#how did you word things that i've never been able to articulate ?????

[merchelsea]

took care of my girl - max verstappen

pairing: max verstappen + fem! driver!(charles gf) reader

summary: after a lifechanging turn in your plans, you need to sort things out with charles to be able to get together with your true love, max. things can't always get so hard, can they?

author's note: the so required part two is FINALLY out. a massive thank you to every one that asked for this, i hope you enjoy it! (a HUGE thank you to @stupidandunnecessary for helping me outt)

word count: +1,6k

previous part

last night, charles and you exchanged less than ten words. you wanted to talk to him, but you didn't know how to start, nor how to do it without hurting him.

it was clear that his feelings were not love, maybe some attraction and friendship, but not love. still, you didn't want to hurt him.

you loved max, but you were in a relationship with charles. you weren't quite sure if he would understand, and even if he did, things were a lot more complicated since you were three public figures.

charles woke up to find you, very dizzy and confused, staring at the ceiling of the room in silence. he regained his sences before you thought of moving, and he soon started talking.

"you love him." he stated, looking over at you. startled, you turned to look at him, taken aback by his smiling face. "I- what?" you asked him.

"max. you love him." with that smile planted on his lips, you struggled to articulate something to tell the him. your well-prepared speech for this very moment seemed to vanish, and your words failed you.

"I'm sorry." it was the only thing you could say after having your mouth half-opened for seconds.

"what are you sorry for? loving someone? that is not your fault." he reassured you. "I'm not angry, if that's why your apologizing. I'm happy for you." you couldn't quite comprehend what he was trying to tell you, and he noticed it by the puzzled glances you shot at him.

"I'm happy for you both. I know I've never been a top contestant to the 'best boyfriend' award, quite the contrary. but I also know we both started this relationship out of loneliness." he claimed. it was evident that you weren't the only one preparing for this moment.

"I'm still sorry." you persisted. he chuckled, but you never even gave him a trace of a smile. you couldn't.

"you don't have to be. you deserved to be happy. to be loved in the same intensity that you love someone. that is something only verstappen can do." leclerc understood this situation a whole lot more than you expected him to, and you were starting to wonder if he might have a female max in his life.

"its a fact, even tho it pains me to admit. I could never make you happy the way he does." he added.

"you deserve that too. I know this probably means nothing to you right now, but it's true." you smiled sadly to him, and he shook his head in disagreemeant.

"it will never mean nothing to me. apart from everything, you were my friend first, and I would hate for that to end." you smiled softly at him, the sadness now less evident. you two stood silent for a while, just breathing and thinking. "look, I'm sorry for not being the boyfriend you deserved." he appologized, breaking the akward smile.

he was ready to continue, and he would have done so if you hadn't interrupted. "it's not entirely your fault. we didn't work out because we didn't love each other. period." charles too was sad about how your realtionship was ending, but he was also grateful that none of you had to get hurt before it happened.

"now, I think we are both mature enough to recognize that and begin another chapter." you continued. he nodded softly and you both stood quite looking at the ceiling.

"y/n, you should really go get him. I still have a headache to deal with but I'll try to pack everything and leave before you return home." he advised with a warm smile. he rose from the bed, moving around it to bend over and kiss your forehead.

"you deserve this, mon chéri." he whispered as he exited the room to confront his weary reflection in the bathroom mirror.

after changing, you left the bedroom with the intention of grabbing a bite to eat. however, you decided that sharing a meal with Max might be better, so you sent him a text. within seconds, he responded, as if he had been awaiting your message his whole life.

the truth is, max could deny all he wanted, but he panicked when he got home and realized charles would be sleeping in the same bed as you, and probably trying to get you back. although he now knew that you loved him, it didn't change the fact that you had been with charles while still harboring those feelings, and that thought terrified him.

that's why he left his hotel without even hesitating and met you at a coffee shop near your house.

"how did he react?" he was clearly trying to avoid the subject, and noticing it, you respected his decision and never brought it up. but he has his limits, and he clearly crossed those. he needed to know, and if you were being real, you needed to tell him as well.

"better than I expected." you replied with a smile, which wasn't what he had anticipated. he couldn't decipher whether your smile meant "we broke up" or "we got back together."

"better how?" he asked, not so sure now that he wanted to know.

verstappen didn't think of himself as an anxious person, but when it came to you, he struggled to conceal his apprehension. He yearned to know every detail, and he might have even fainted if you hadn't filled him in.

"well, he told me to come and get you." you were finding that whole situation a lot more funny than you should, max acting all calm when it was so clear that he was freaking out could be ranked on top of the most entertaining things in the world.

he let out a heavy breath that he was holding for god knows why and you finally could see the beautiful smile he was hiding behind the seriousness.

"really?" he asked, smile still playing on his lips. you nodded, smiling too. anyone who passed by would think you two were a couple on the best stage of your relationship, smiles so wide that everyone could see were genuine.

"well you already have me, so…" max points with a joking tone, every word coming out of his mouth being the most truthful. "why do i always want to kiss you in situations or places where i can't?" he throws his head back, frustrated.

"oh why can't you kiss me now?" you asked. cofusion and also frustration kicking in when you realize its not going to be today as well. you begun to think max might be actually afraid to kiss you.

"there's people here. and i know it's a discreet place, but still…" you almost grasped what the dutch meant, were it not for your intense desire for his lips to meet yours. "what? I don't care about the people, you know I don't."

it's true, he knows you never cared about people's opinions. that's why, from the both of you, he was always the one that helped you with everything you thought of putting out to the world. most of it not coming out thanks to him.

"you may not, but I do. you know how this things work and I don't want my gi- your name associated with sleeping around for a seat."

your smile didn't fail on showing up. he could have just said the most horrific thing ever, you hadn't listened. max verstappen calling you 'my girl' was something out of this world for you. you covered your face with your hands as the gleam in your eyes intensified.

"but, you know, you could always take me home." he added, grinning with both his lips and eyes. "let me finish this and we'll go right away." max nodded and took his phone out, pretending to be composed on the outside while feeling like an exuberant child within. he eventually even snapped a few pictures of you to keep for himself and immediately changed his locked screen. he's not familiar with the concept of going slow.

exiting the coffee shop, you and max laughed like a pair of joyful fools, unable to recall precisely what was so amusing. at some point, you found yourselves laughing at each other for no apparent reason. what you both knew for certain was that spending time together was effortless—it brought a profound sense of peace.

as you closed the door behind you, max took your hand and pulled you close to him. his free hand found its place on your cheek, his thumb tenderly caressing it. "after all these years, I can finally kiss you."

the smile on the red bull driver's face emphasized his happiness. although your smile wasn't as broad, your eyes spoke volumes.

in the end, his focus remained on your eyes. for three years, max had gazed into those same brown eyes, yet each time felt like he could continue indefinitely. and, indeed, he could.

from his prespective, it was the greatest view one could have. and he was genuinely sorry for everyone that would never get the chance to do so.

when he finally let go of your eyes, he foccused on your lips, not as mesmerizing, but equally breathtaking.

before he kissed you, you got a good look at his deep ocean blue eyes. had you not been studying them since the day you met their owner, you might have easily lost yourself in their beauty.

you almost cursed max for closing them, but if that meant you got to study his lips too, you could never complain.

once he guided you into the kiss, one of your hands instinctively traveled to the back of his neck, while the other one squeezed his, trying to be sure that this was really happening.

it became evident that your lips were made solely for each other—the way they fit perfectly, moved in harmony, and how max's lips embraced yours as if he had been doing it for a lifetime. every element aligned to create perfection—this is what love felt like.

with max, it felt right. with max, it was love.

taglist: @mehrmonga @yourusername1 @lexiecamposv @electrobutterfly @miakatharinaa @jeconnaismeslimitesus

[lycheedr3ams]

König would NOT cheat!

heated rant about my opinions on könig's loyalty to his s/o

part of the exploring könig's character series (organized masterlist to come)

disclaimer: i am not judging any fanfic writers for the things that I am going to discuss in this post. i don't mean hate towards anyone. but also, this fandom has really gotten away from how characters are in canon just to satisfy the readers' desires. fanon is NOT canon, and it should not be!

König would not cheat.

think about it. he grew up likely with few to no friends, could never really connect with anyone, was an outcast. then his s/o comes along and completely breaks his walls down and accepts him for who he is. do you seriously think he would cheat on the one person he ever trusted enough with his whole heart? the only person in his whole life who ever accepted him for who he was?

i've seen some fanfictions that said König would come back from a bar with hickeys all the time, or how he would cheat on you repeatedly throughout your relationship. (firstly, in all of these fanfictions, the reader stayed with König. idgaf who you're with, if you've been cheated on, leave! this is setting such a bad example for impressionable people). I don't think the writers who described these types of scenarios understand social anxiety or what it's like to grow up ostracized. when someone has social anxiety (i can speak on this topic since I have it) they're not going to just go up to strangers and start making out with them or do random hookups. especially in König's case, since not only does he have social anxiety, he is often feared by others and adopted the "lone wolf" persona so that people would leave him alone. for him, it was easier that way.

and why the hell would König even want to cheat on the one person he can trust? how could König give up that trust and love just for a one night stand or some random drunken make-out at a bar? also, i don't really see König going to bars by himself, let alone making out or fucking a random girl. König knows what it's like to be alone, to have absolutely no one. do we really think König would give up his s/o just for some momentary fun? i don't think so at all.

i can't even imagine how much time it would take to build a relationship with König, and how much effort it would take too. I think König would see and appreciate that time and effort you invested in him and rarely, if ever, take it for granted. he would appreciate everything you do to make him feel accepted and loved. and to give that up to kiss a random girl? he'd never.

i honestly don't know how to best articulate into words the intense emotions i have on this topic. it literally boils my blood when I see fanfic writers saying König would cheat on you, because he fucking would NOT! people who think a life-long outcast would cheat on the one person who ever accepted them have clearly never known what it's felt like to truly be an outcast.

i will shout it from the rooftops. König would not cheat.

and fine, let's say hypothetically he DID cheat... I don't think he'd ever be able to look you in the eye again. he'd be so ashamed for what he did when he remembered how lucky he was to have your love. he would be quiet and shaky and would never forgive himself. he wouldn't be able to shamelessly come back to you every time like so many fanfictions I've read said he could

[factual-fantasy]

28 asks! :DD Thank you as always!! 💖💖

@astaherussy

My FNAF AU has been sorted out. In the sense that the timeline has been re-written enough that I can go back to drawing it..

Now the next comic in the AU is a re-write/re-draw of my old FNAF comic, Moon Malfunction. A few months ago though there were several time sensitive projects that came up and I needed to shelf Moon Malfunction 2.0 until they were done. Well now they're all done.. but Moon Malfunction is gonna take me some time to get around to..

For the past few months I've been in a really bad spot mentally and physically. And taking on my FNAF Recap/Repair project is just not something I feel I have the mental energy to do at the moment.. All it feels like is a one big pile of work. And all I wanna do I just draw what ever comes easily to me and focus on recovering..

Soooo for the time being,, my main FNAF AU might not see any updates for a bit.. Though I haven't forgotten about it and I do want to get back to it at some point soon. But for now I want to cut any work out of my relaxing/drawing time and just draw what ever I want. Which atm is pirate cookies-- <XDD

They're also great for grabbing something across the room while I stay in bed 😎😎

Why haven't I drawn anything like that yet- what--

I might just have to at some point! :00

@ardent-38

AWWW THANK YOU SO MUCH!! THATS SO SWEET!! BUT ALSO LSKNAKJ XDDD

I never thought of it like that! Anyone who gets into the game through my characters is like a lactose intolerant person recommending an ice-cream joint- and they're very persuasive! XDD

But fr, thank you! And hey, even if my characters aren't in the game, they'll always be here on Tumblr waiting for you XDD

Actually, I wasn't! :00 I haven't seen that episode of the Cuphead show. But I'm assuming its about Cala Maria and Captain Brineybeard, yes? If so I can easily see the relation XD

(Post in question)

AAAA THANK YOU!! The comic was different than what I'm used to. But it was a nice change of pace. I'm glad you liked it! :}}}

@badlyblurry (Post in question)

FRRRRRR THO He's been holding that glow back for a while. Trying not to send the wrong messages to Blue and potentially damage their friendship 💔💔

XDDD ITS OK!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!! :DDD 💖💖✨

@mod-bubamon

I have! In this post you can see 3 of them floating behind Melvin! (The anthro donkey)

And in this post, you can see Melvin holding one while it passes away... :((((( Sad day for sure.

Well? What did she taste like? XDD

Oh wait you're dead my bad-

Unfortunately I cant think of any songs that would match each crew members theme.. Rn all my brain can think about is this 👇

@nunyabusiness459 (Comic in question)

🥰🥰THANK YOU!! :DDD

What is primordial dough? :0

@2006-stupid-thatsme

Thank you! :DD Though unfortunately my fwernnd, I am known for being very bad at explaining how I do art things. :(

If I tried to explain my thought/design process it would just be a lot of word spaghetti that boils down to "uhhh... I just drew it.,. aandd if it dont look good.. draw it differently.. until it looks good-"

My advice would be to look on YouTube for character design tutorials or ask some other artists that have artwork similar to mine and see if they can help. :( Again, so sorry! I wish I could articulate my thoughts better 💔💔

@beryl-shade

This actually makes me think- Google says that if you add too much sugar to a cookie they become brittle.

Huh,, makes me think. If one of the cookies was baked with too much sugar.. they'd break real easy.. hmm.. 👀👀

@whereismycupofcoffee

@artistiemi

Thank you so much!! :DD I wish the same for you!! ✨💖✨

@sunnys-bloog

I've thought about drawing them! :0 And I thiiink I drew Franny one time..? The Blue one. Although I don't think I'll be able to find the sketch unfortunately-

NOT THE GUMDROP BUTTONS!!

tbh though I think they'd see him as just a normal guy! :0 Right..?

@beryl-shade

I'm not sure.. considering what I know about the games.. I thiiink they'd be horrified?? <XDD If they understand that they're made of dough, it'd be the equivalent of a human walking into a giant meat factory where they chop up meat and make weird false humans..

Okay yeah, they'd be horrified for sure XDDD

@wdillustration

:DD THANK YOU SO MUCH!! :}}}

@neo-metalscottic (Cookie run post in question)

AAAAA thank you so much!! I'm glad you liked it!! :DD As for the power, I think you're right about it being a rare occasion. And the idea of her gaining better control over it over time? While her love grows as well?? Perfection. But man I'm also tempted to make it so she can change when ever she wants. :( I really like drawing her and Seafoam together like that.. 🥺

As for the Colossal squid episode,, I'd have to go back and re-watch it to decide if I'll keep it for my AU or not..

But thinking about all the stuff you described about a violent altercation and nightmares?? 👀👀 Its giving me ideas! XDD

Now if the crew did face a violent altercation like that, I imagine their #1 goal would to protect the Octopod. That's their home man! They would probably do what ever they could to get the octopod away from the situation. Like the Captain manually piloting it and some of the crew being sent out in gups to distract the squid. Stuff like that :0

@luna-purple454

AAA IT WAS ON THE 10TH BUT THANK YOU!! XDD :DD

@khoiazo

It was on the 10th actually- and hey thanks! Seam could probably use the calories <XD

@unpopularartist14 (referencing this ask post)

<XD oh boy, what a stark contrast between the sides--

@shaziztrazh

I didn't have them in mind while designing them,, though maybe I took some subconscious inspiration? I see the similarities! :0

[wc-confessions]

re: WC misogyny

This is solely to get my thoughts out abt this bc I’m probably not gonna be able to articulate this to the best of my ability but I feel like it’s incredibly important to say that these books are pretty damn misogynistic and so was the fanbase for the longest time.

Not saying that to be "throwing the word around without knowing what the word means", because misogyny is defined as a dislike/contempt against women. This can also absolutely be an unconscious bias (which is primarily what I see anyway!) I've seen far more people dismiss these characters while holding up male ones that do similar/worse things (i.e. Thistleclaw primarily but a lot of the MV characters to an extent)

The reason why discussion about sexism usually ends up against cats like Mapleshade, Squirrelflight, Frecklewish, and Nightcloud is primarily due to how the universe of the books is written to chastise these characters while their male counterparts go thru barely half of the shit thrown onto the girls.

Mapleshade gets her kids and herself exiled for breaking the code while Appledusk literally gets a slap on the wrist for breaking the same code she did? The Riverclan leader just tells him "well, you'll not do it again so you don't need to be punished" while Mapleshade doesn't even get to bury her kits. Even if she's the Warrior Cats evil woman that's still really fucked up!? And this goes to Frecklewish as well, who does not watch them drown oh my god. The flood that kills Maple's kits is incredibly loud--saying Freckle would have been able to do anything else OTHER than watch dismisses the fact going to the flooded stones was an idea doomed to fail (of which Mapleshade has a lot of in MV specifically.)

Frecklewish absolutely ended up in the Dark Forest over Oakstar or Ravenwing (who both condemned the kittens to their fate instead of?? idk punishing Maple and not the kits who didn't even know they were half clan?) because of the way the fandom perceived her at the time. Freckle's a lot like Squirrelflight where fandom opinion only recently shifted to people defending those characters--she's pretty awful for calling the same kits she doted on half-clan creatures! But I don't think she deserved to go to cat hell forever when the cat who actually caused those kittens to end up dead (and every other cat in MV!) ends up in Starclan without even so much of a trial.

Speaking of trials--Squirrelflight and Leafpool literally end up almost being sent to CAT HELL for following Starclan's orders. Leafpool ends up having forbidden kits but Starclan goes "it's okay!" until it isn't. Brambleclaw almost being involved in Firestar's fox trap murder never gets mentioned or brought up while both of the girls are questioned about if they even belong in Starclan because they "broke the code and lied"?? There's a pretty damn big bias towards the toms for doing bad/worse actions but Bramble never went to Starclan and had his ticket for heaven almost revoked. Oakstar didn't get put in the Dark Forest because he exiled 3 innocent kits.

I think it's important to note the fandom has a lot of say over how characters like these get interpreted (which is why Nightcloud ended up being hated a lot despite the fact Crowfeather is just. actually abusive to Breezepelt.) That's why I brought up unconscious biases, because I think generally a lot of WC content creators tend to stick to presenting the stories in a more radical/black and white way.

I think the discussion really should be that the books and the stories ARE pretty misogynistic but unconsciously so? A lot of the story beats I mentioned weren't written by just one person, and the Erins have different opinions on these cats than the fans do. That's not me stating an opinion, that's just me saying recognizing that it's very male-oriented IS an issue these books have.

Anyways this got way too wordy, Ashfur is one of my favorite villains so I don't even know why I typed all of this up /j.

[familyabolisher]

Hi! I just wanted to say your deep readings of TLT are so smart! I've been thinking about all the genderfuckery in Nona the Ninth for ages trying to peel apart the layers behind it (the tower princes especially) and I was wondering if you have any thoughts on it?

I do! I did a post that kind of gestured towards my broad thoughts on what Nona does with gender/how it develops the groundwork around gendered relations that Gideon and Harrow lay out a couple of weeks or so ago, but I doubt I’ll be able to find it so this is a good excuse for going into more detail with the sorts of ideas I’m bouncing around.

What I was trying to get at in my earlier post about sexual violence in Nona is that Nona represents a sea change in the narrative terms; that is, the ‘rules’ determining which parts of the whole we are allowed to see at any given time are very rapidly altered such that we're pulled away from this wholly internal imperial perspective into a space which carries its consequences. Where Gideon is about crafting a narrative around a set of sociocultural paradigms, and Harrow is about digging further into both the purpose and internal consequence of those paradigms, Nona is about absconding from the limitations that those paradigms impose. Something of an autopsy of the inner world of the imperial core has taken place in the previous two books; we are presented with the dictates, expectations, and purpose of the necromancer/cavalier subject positions, and the bedrock upon which those positions are built (ie. the particular logics of power and imperialist consolidation and sexual violence), such that (almost) everything we meet with in the first two books ultimately circles back to asserting a particular form of internal/diegetic normativity. The difference in Nona is that, outside of the space where this normativity is the governing social currency and also necessarily socially enforced, the way in which social modes are articulated now begins to fall away from the anchoring of internal imperial logics. 

What this has to do with gender is that the kind of centrifugal force determining how gender & sexuality alike are received within the empire is one of what we might term homonationalism in contemporary parlance, wherein queerness becomes reconstituted within a nationalist imaginary such that queer people willing to meet with the state on the state’s terms can be incorporated into the fold of such a national articulation. As a result, we see eg. butchness (or broader strokes of masculinity expressed by women) as something legible to us as readers who bring our contemporary understanding of lesbian gender formations as counter-hegemonic (or at least, non-normative) to the table (and are expected to do so – the text v much expects us to read Gideon as a butch or functionally equivalent, Cytherea as a femme, etc etc, and proceeds from the assumption that we have picked up on such a signification), but diegetically that masculinity is hegemonically articulable. In other words, the reason we never get a sense of Gideon registering an internal conflict between her traditionally masculine gender markers (name, appearance, relationships, just about everything that’s used in-text to signal her as a butch to the audience) and her being a (presumably cisgender) woman is because those two things are not textually in-conflict, as there exists a normative articulation of womanhood that easily accounts for them. She reads to us as ‘gender nonconforming’ (imperfect term but you get the idea), but in-universe very much does ‘conform’ to the articulation(s) of gender available to her; to call her diegetically gender nonconforming (or even diegetically butch) would be meaningless. This is largely down to the “no-homophobia” premise (which is, ofc, a deliberately homonationalist premise in itself), but gets interesting when we start to see that masculinity articulated through the paradigms of cavalierhood, a subject position constituted around the conditions necessary to sustain imperialism.

My point is—across Gideon and Harrow, everything we receive in relation to gender, contemporary gender nonconformity, allusions to transness (as with eg. the androgynous Canaan House priest, the they/them in Doctor Sex, quiet suggestions that transness is an extant concept at some level), etc., has been presented to us in a format that circles back to the normative state of gender in the Nine Houses, specifically to the purpose of demonstrating the relationship that the subject holds to the imperial body. Gideon as a butch/as a woman/as a cavalier are three states that each make sense of one another and are able to exist harmoniously, and that harmonious existence is designed to tell us something about the internal imperial condition. That Nona is the text which divests from that wholly internal perspective and takes us into the social world of the imperial periphery + operates on a logic external to that of the imperial core is, I think, the reason that gender felt a lot more … like it was being played around with, or like it held less of a cohesive loyalty to particular background strictures that were shaping how it appeared on the page. Even with characters whose gender bears a relationship to that same imperial logic (Tower Princes, ofc; also Paul, Pyrrha, Palamedes), their presence in the text is altered somewhat by the fact that the text is no longer putting itself to the purpose of, like, demonstrating those internal strictures. 

And like, this narrative slippage—from something tightly delineated from which deviation is restricted into something more animate and buoyant and malleable—isn't limited to gender at all, but is happening all over. I flagged in the linked post how part of Nona hinges on the breakdown of John's constructed 'utopia' (his word!) such that things which worked to sustain it in the past no longer hold water in the present. You could even look at, like, the shift in presentation of the Dramatis Personae between the three; from Gideon, which offered this very … precise account of names, titles, ranks, with little diegetic narrative bearing, to Harrow, which mimics the style of its predecessor but manages a level of storytelling and diegetic presence in eg. the substitution of Gideon for Ortus, the establishing of Anastasia/Samael as outliers, and Gideon's name being entirely crossed out, to Nona, where it's … a birthday party invite list being transcribed in-universe. Like, even these minute changes are demonstrative of a shift away from a hierarchy that must be dissected into something of a far more humane texture. These aren't articulations of new gendered hierarchies, they're just … particular gendered modes, playing out with relative reference to a multiplicity of active norms. 

It’s interesting that a lot of the characters who we meet as, like, hotspots of textual gender-weirdness in Nona are failstates for genders that are made legible through the condition of empire as John arranges it. I think it’s fair to read Pyrrha as a trans woman in the same way it’s fair to read Gideon as a butch (in that these are not terms/subjectivities which would make diegetic sense to either, but they are subjectivities that are signaled for the sake of the audience, with the expectation that each will be read with that subjectivity in mind), but Pyrrha is also at once both a ‘failed’ cavalier and a ‘failed’ Lyctor. (A secret third thing, if you will.) So where Gideon’s butchness as we received it in the first two books has an anchor in empire, Pyrrha’s is more like the failure of an imperial gender configuration to fully realise itself, and where her gender becomes interesting & textured is through the production of dissonance (diegetically, her as an incomplete/failed Lyctor and by extension a failed cavalier; to us, as a woman inhabiting a body that we know to have belonged to a man but which is v clearly now being considered hers.) Similarly, the Camilla-Palamedes bodyshare (and then Paul, though I really don’t have a confident reading of Paul yet considering how little time they’ve had in the narrative so I’m going to gloss over them for now) is simultaneously a reversal of the Lyctorhood process (in that the disembodied necromancer inhabits the living body of the cavalier) and its reification (in that it relies on a portion of the process of the Eightfold Word, and you might even make a case for its being another form of instrumentalising and potentially exploiting the body of the cavalier); on either end, it’s definitely not what’s supposed to have happened, and it reflects something oppositional to the ethos with which the original construction was imbued. 

Past that, like, on Lemuria itself we see a multiplicity of gendered/familial arrangements that we can presume emerge as a result of the multiplicity of colonised cultures living in close quarters with one another; like, that multiplicity makes for a narrative expansiveness that I don’t think the tightness and discursive constriction of the previous two books would have allowed for. 

& the Tower Princes, similarly, are like … articulations of gender within empire, yes, but they’re specifically an articulation that can only take place once the old order (ie. Lyctors) is near enough gone, and we receive them through an external observer (ie. Nona) such that moments like Ianthe’s first introduction when we slowly realise that we’re seeing her possessing Babs’ corpse become a lot more fun. There’s a layer of ambiguity going into how Nona receives gender—from her switching between they/he/she pronouns for Ianthe-in-Babs to her they/themming a lot of characters before their gender is made explicit in-narrative, ie. not having a heavy reliance on visual cues to determine gender at a glance to the application of traditionally masculine descriptors to women (Cam, Pash, and Corona each get described as ‘handsome’ at some point)—that was nowhere near as present in the other two (as I explained above: there’s no dissonance in Gideon’s gender, there’s no sense that she’s anything other than a woman and no sense that her form of womanhood has ever been anything other than completely normal and legible in the social world she occupies). I think the Tower Princes would have made sense in any of the three so far, but they just feel a lot more fun in Nona thrown in amidst a book where gender is, in general, being treated somewhat playfully—with a lot of plasticity and malleability that I appreciated & that feels incredibly close to contemporary lesbian gender articulations.

(I keep returning, for example, to the implication that Pyrrha is passing herself off as a man in at least some contexts on Lemuria and the circles of identification and shared experience that that manages to draw between trans women closeting themselves in particular contexts and so-termed ‘passing women’ ie. butches who passed(/continue to pass) themselves off as men for safety. Like, I think it’s fair to say we can read Pyrrha as a butch or similar, and that we can read her as a trans woman, and that particular dimension is subtle but v compelling to me.)

(It’s also interesting how much we see the fixities of the imperial core echoed in the periphery in new contexts that kind of seem to extricate those behaviours from the violence they denote. John playing with Barbies as a child becomes the basis for the creation of Alecto, which of course is the inciting action towards the establishment of his empire & the social paradigms that sustain it; Kevin, too, is a boy who plays with dolls. Ianthe & Kiriona are women referred to with masculinised titles—ie. the Tower Princes—and both Pash and the Angel are women referred to as ‘sir,’ or like, Corona takes on a similarly masculinised title in BOE; you could even add an extra layer here about Kiriona and Pash and Corona and Ianthe each being related as cousins/sisters respectively, idk. EVEN something about Kiriona and Pash as, like, nepo babies to John/Wake respectively, except that the nepotism in question garnered them like vastly different levels of social rank/social currency. I don’t know that I can develop this take all that far, but like—interesting? The sense that like, queerness, gendered ambiguities, whatever else, can and should have a presence outside of an allegiance to imperialism, maybe?)

Anyway, like! These are very scattered thoughts, but hopefully they're of some use. I don’t know that I have an overarching argument besides just like, the changes present in Nona have a lot to do with how Nona moves our perspective out of the imperial core for the first time in the series and that includes how gender functions in the narrative, but hopefully you can see the arguments I’m gesturing towards at least lmao

[sapphic-agent]

This is so silly but thank you for being a Bakugou hater. I have so many friends that love him and "don't understand" my "extreme" dislike of him - the most common thing I hear is that he's "a literal child" and that society made him the way that he is, implying that he is not at all at fault for how he treats people and that I'm being unreasonable for "hating on a literal child", and I've never been able to articulate why that argument doesn't sway me in the slightest. You've made a buncha posts that articulate the shittiness, *especially* the one that discussed how he's never been made to take accountability, and I really appreciate that.

Hi there, friend! Thank you so much for your kind words. And it's not silly at all. I've had similar encounters irl (one of which being my own sister smh) and one friend who loved him and hated Izuku, but was flabbergasted when I said I hated Bakugou (luckily I don't talk to this friend anymore, for a different reason). This seems to be the attitude of Bakugou fans online as well. They're allowed to hate on Izuku all they want, but become agitated once we turn it around on their favorite. Just something I've noticed.

One thing I think a lot of his fans exaggerate is the affect "society" had on him. Did it enable his behavior and allow him to get away with it with no repercussions? Yes. However- and I have to stress this- no one told Bakugou he would be the best. People fawned over his quirk, but that literal kindergarten teacher said, "That quirk could make for a great hero someday" (I'm paraphrasing here so I might edit and change it to the correct quote later). Bakugou is the one who took that idea and ran with it.

If you really want to get technical, Bakugou was like that even before he got his quirk. He might not have been as overzealous about it, but he still treated Izuku like he was beneath him. He still called him "Deku." Society didn't help his behavior, but it wasn't the cause of it.

"He's just a child." This is not an excuse. (TW for semi-graphic child murder) I remember a story from a few years ago when an 8 year old girl (she might have been a little older but still younger than Bakugou) picked up a baby at a daycare. He started crying and she dropped him, then stomped on his head and killed him. His father was rightfully devastated. She doesn't get that "just a child" excuse because she has consciously went out of her way to seriously injure someone helpless who couldn't defend themselves.

Sound familiar? Before I get that "Bakugou's never done anything like that" argument, if Horikoshi was a serious writer he would have. There was a Mute!Fem!Izuku fanfiction I came across the other day and the reason she was mute was due to Bakugou grabbing her throat with his quirk in middle school. I'm not saying this should have happened in canon, but considering the repeated exposure Izuku's had to his quirk over the years it's hard to believe that there wasn't some permanent damage even if it was in the form of burns or scars.

But of course if that happened, he wouldn't be redeemable and we can't have that, now can we?

Also, Bakugou isn't a "literal child" because Bakugou isn't real (I also bet those same people hate Gabi from Attack on Titan who is actually a child). You're allowed to hate on whatever fictional character you want, bestie

[dat2ndaccount97]

Obsessed Barbie Doll Fan/Collector talks about their doll free childhood:

With the Barbie Movie now out, me spending the past week exclusively playing with my dolls + engaging with doll related social media, and seeing people talk about their childhood Barbies/other dolls and sharing stories, has me thinking about my doll free childhood.

For those who may not know, despite how OBSESSED I am with dolls and barbie in particular. I didn't grow up with dolls or play with dolls as a kid, because of the ol' "boys can't play with dolls" gender roles BS, and also because I didn't realize I was into dolls for a long time. And both of those things kinda played into each other.

My earliest Doll related memory (that I have shared many times already) is when I was 3-5 Years old (in the early 00s), My mother took me to the KB Toys Outlet by our house which she regularly did. for whatever reason I didn't want another Batman action figure I wanted a Barbie. She was a Brunette Princess Barbie in a purple-ish dress IIRC. My mom said no, I threw I fit, My mom tried to calm me down and entice me with boy toys, I continued fitting, she caved and got her for me. Soon as we got home Doll was taken from me, I was not allowed to have her. This Memory stuck with me for years to come.

I have another memory of having a doll of Bubbles from The Powerpuff Girls (with molded on hair), and I have a vague memory of hearing the adults discuss if it was ok for me to have her. After that it's many close calls/short encounters with barbies and other dolls, where I was interested but couldn't really articulate why nor say I was interested because I was a boy, and dolls are for girls.

But I do remember distinctly playing with my girl cousin's fisher price (?) doll house at my aunts house, and a vague (possibly fake?) memory of me being at said aunt's place for the weekend while my cousins were away and my aunt saying i could play with their toys, which I didn't.

Between all of that and when I started secretly playing with my moms old dolls in middle school it was just seeing Doll Commercials on TV, and eventually discovering some photo site called Flickr and looking at doll pictures on there. But looking back on all of this and other vague memories and who I was as a kid, I'm now fairly sure I would've loved to play with Barbies and/or similar fashion dolls if I was allowed.

But because of those darn gender roles, I never really got chance/choice, to be able to even consider the possibility of me, a boy, being able to play with toys "For girls" without getting weird looks or being asked why (or possibly getting scolded or maybe even snapped or yelled at). It was something I kinda kept to myself until My parents found out I was playing with my mom's broken and ratty old barbie dolls in secret. Which they were ok with... for about a month and they said to put them away. Granted at 13/14 I couldn't really articulate into words why I liked dolls so much so they probably got the wrong idea.

And Because of the way my parents acted every time they found out about my dolls I kept it to myself for many years even as I got active on social media in the mid 2010s. But as I slowly came out about it, I realized it was really just my weird boomer parents who hated it. Literally everyone else i've told in my life that I collect barbies has been super cool/chill about it, and/or think it's really cool actually.

I'm also glad to see people are more and more accepting to the idea of boys playing with dolls, and you even see boys playing with barbies in some commercials and catalogue photos and etc. And maybe, just maybe, there's some kid out there like me with a bin of Batman action figures who suddenly wants a barbie from the toy store but unlike me actually gets to keep her and play with her and cherish her because his parents are cool.

[heyiwrotesomethings]

Hello ! 🤗

First of all thank you so much for your Shinobu's stories, it's always the best time of my day when I see you have new updates about her, I honestly think you write the best and most accurate Shinobu from all the fics I've read.

I was wondering if I could ask you a modern rivals academic to lovers Shinobu x f!reader (whatever pronouns you want) ? They are in competition for almost everything, becoming the presidents of student councils, being the best in sport, in class, model student... until they realize that they keep challenging each other to gain the attention of the other because they have a long time crush.

Have a nice day. ☺️

Valedictorian Speech

Shinobu Kochou x She/Her Reader Modern AU

A/N: Please forgive the pace jumping, this is like a year’s worth of events condensed downs to something more manageable for me. Also takes place in a American school system to make my life easier too. I was feeling inspired by Kaguya-sama Love is War as I wrote this so it was a lot of fun : ) Hope you enjoy! Word Count: 4,070

(Y/n) couldn’t quite articulate what it was about Shinobu Kochou that made her so angry as a five year old. She had been praised all year by teachers and peers alike for how advanced she was. The most talented and beloved of all the students… until she arrived. Cute as a button and smart as a whip, Shinobu Kochou moved in all the way from Japan and turned (Y/n)’s world upside down.

Suddenly everyone was fawning over her instead. So impressed by her advanced math and science prowess and how she was to be able to switch between Japanese and English without a second thought.

She was athletic too, the fastest kindergartener in the grade, even leaving (Y/n) in the dust by several seconds. It was humiliating!

So (Y/n) decided she had to work harder to prove that she was just as good as Shinobu, if not better. When she got home, she demanded to learn multiplication and division, no amount of languages were enough to conquer. She ran laps around the block several times while she waited for the bus in the morning. She was going to show Shinobu she was just as good as her, she had to be!

***

Shinobu had been so nervous to move so far away from home. She wanted to cry, to pretend she was sick, anything to not go to her new school. She’d be joining in so late, everyone would have their friends already and no one would want to talk to her. They’d all just stare at her from afar, whispering about her.

However, when she casually answered the super special math problem on the board with the teacher’s promises of a class reward tied to it, she had been showered with praise and affection. At lunch, her classmates marveled over the lunch her father had made for her and offered to play all manner of games during recess.

It was perfect. Better than anything she had dared hoped for, except for one thing. One of her classmates, the one she had been assigned to sit right next to in fact, never gave her the same praise and attention that the others did.

That shouldn’t have mattered to her. Her mother had told her she couldn’t win over everyone every time, but she wanted to be recognized by her too. (Y/n) was smart and cute and funny when she was playing with her friends. Shinobu wanted her attention too.

So she did what had been working out for her thus far and kept achieving, hoping to impress (Y/n) as she had the others.

But that only seemed to make (Y/n) shun her more. Still Shinobu was stubborn. She would get that recognition! They would be equals, friends!

Too bad (Y/n) was just as stubborn, if not more so. Their competitive nature towards each other was noticed by those around them. Soon their attempts to vie for the others attention and validation, became a true rivalry as students began pitting them against each other.

“Shinobu did the best on the math test! I knew she would!”

“Yeah, well (Y/n) got the highest score on the spelling test!”

Eventually Shinobu and (Y/n) had forgotten what all of their efforts to outdo the other were even for. They filled up on the misinterpretations of their peers and grew to detest the each other over the years and that was how they got to where they were now.

“Morning, Shinobu. How did you do at the cross country meet yesterday?” (Y/n) asked as she opened her locker, or course next to Shinobu as it was every year since middle school.

“Good morning, (Y/n). It went well. Two personal bests.” Shinobu answered casually, flicking a swatch of hair behind her ear.

(Y/n) hummed in acknowledgment, waiting for Shinobu to ask her how her swim meet went. Then she could casually drop that she had achieved three personal bests. One more than Shinobu! (Y/n) had only asked her how she had done because she already knew! She had looked up the results late last night, comparing them with Shinobu’s previous records. It had been awhile since she had the upper hand like this!

(Y/n) contained her evil laughter, meanwhile Shinobu had finished retrieving what she needed for her first and second hour classes and closed her locker.

“See you later then.” She said, her signature smile warping into something more sinister the second she turned her back on (Y/n). She had her now.

Of course Shinobu knew all about the swim meet results, she had listened to them live on the radio during the bus ride back to school. So (Y/n) got three personal bests, brava… Shinobu knew a trap when she saw one. (Y/n) was hoping she’d ask how her event went as well so she could gloat, but Shinobu wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. If (Y/n) brought it up without being prompted, she would look like a desperate and insecure little girl.

“Yes, see you in calculus.” (Y/n) answered as cheerfully as she could, meanwhile her hand was griping her locker door so tightly she could have warped the metal.

She knew damn well Shinobu was avoiding the topic on purpose. She was trying to make her look like a toddler seeking out praise!

An image of Shinobu cooing at her, patting her on the head and congratulating her and telling her how cute she was filled her mind and she wanted to scream.

No matter. There were plenty of other situations where Shinobu could slip up today. Cold calling teachers, pop quizzes, tests, extra curriculars, Shinobu could spill tea on her blouse during lunch for all (Y/n) knew!

“Ah yes, I believe we have a test in calculus today. No calculators or notes either if I recall correctly.” Shinobu hummed. “Did you study?”

“Not a bit!” (Y/n) laughed, making a show of looking sheepish. “I’ve been so busy with that model for anatomy that it must have skipped my mind.”

“Oh I’m sure you’ll do just fine.” Shinobu smiled, cupping a hand over her mouth, “Between you and me, I haven’t had much time to study either.”

A lie on both ends!

(Y/n) and Shinobu had both been studying like crazy to memorize all of the formulas. They were only playing it off like they hadn’t studied to lull the other into thinking they didn’t need to try as hard, making it a double whammy when they did better than the other.

“You’ll do great! You always do.”

“Oh, and were you able to get that paperwork for the council done? My ever so diligent VP?”

Damn her!

Shinobu had been hanging that over her head all Junior year!

When they were freshman, they had both ran for student council president. Neither of them had won, but for freshman they did rather well in the polls.

Sophomore year (Y/n) had managed an upset and beat out the senior candidate. Shinobu had gotten the second most amount of votes, earning her the Vice President position. (Y/n) could not have been happier, she had bested Shinobu!

Until elections rolled in again Junior year and Shinobu had sniped three more measly votes than her and took the role of President right out from under her, leaving (Y/n) as the Vice President.

However now in their Senior year, the preparations for their final election were almost underway. One point each, this was the tie breaker and much more important than any battle they had thus far because there would not be another chance. Besides who would claim the title of valedictorian, this would be either the highlight or shame of their highschool careers.

“All ready, Pres.” (Y/n) gave a mock salute, “Think you’ll defend your title?”

“I wonder.” Shinobu smiled, then she went on her way.

(Y/n) dug into her locker for her books with a scowl. That position would be hers once more, come hell or high water!

***

And… done!

Both girls stood from their seats simultaneously, subtly glaring at each other from across the room. They both maneuvered to the front of the room, handing their tests in to the teacher at the same time.

The teacher chuckled quietly, familiar with the antics of his two brightest pupils and got to work grading their papers right away as the girls stood by anxiously.

“Good work girls, perfect scores as always. Got the extra credit too.”

“That’s great.” (Y/n) quietly cheered.

“Yes, thank you.” Shinobu smiled.

God damn it!

They went back to their respective seats, silently stewing. That bad mood carried on to their after school activities with the student council.

But it did not affect the seamless way they worked together while sorting the paperwork. They didn’t even need to speak to coordinate, they just knew how the other liked things done and did it. It was for efficiency’s sake! Not because they were absolutely obsessed with each other and thought about each other every waking moment of the day.

“I can’t believe re-elections are just around the corner!” Mitsuri wailed as she came into the room.

“Don’t worry, Mitsuri. I’m sure the secretary position will be yours again. You always do a good job.” Shinobu assured, handing another signed paper to (Y/n) for her signature as well.

“Mhm, it would be stupid for no one to vote for you.” (Y/n) agreed.

“You guys are too nice! I’m so glad we got to know each other over the years. I’m going to miss you guys when we graduate!” Mitsuri sniffled, “Where are you guys going to college again?”

Ah yes, thank you Mitsuri! This day was saved. They already knew they had applied to the same college. When they were in middle school, they had to do a, ‘where do I see myself after high school project’, and share it with the class. They knew exactly where the other would be going so they would apply there too. Who would remember something from so long ago? They would play it off as a coincidence.

After all, why end a years long rivalry in high school? College was the big leagues, if they could beat the other there, that would leave everything else moot.

Shinobu and (Y/n) laughed internally, gearing up for the big reveal, they opened their mouths,

“Tokyo University.”

“Havard University.”

Both turned to each other with thinly veiled surprise.

Nice going idiots! Maybe you should have considered that since you two are always playing mind games with each other that the other would have had the same idea! Now (Y/n) was set to leave the country while Shinobu would be left behind! Could you think of anything more tragic?!

“Wow, that’s so crazy!” Mitsuri marveled, “For some reason I thought you two would go to the same college since you seem so close. Hard to separate the dream team!”

You took the words right out of their mouths, Mitsuri.

“Well, you know,” (Y/n) cleared her throat, “time to move on to greener pastures.”

“Yes, I’m in need of a new challenge. It’ll be good for us to spread out.” Shinobu answered tightly.

On the inside they were screaming at each other. ‘Greener pastures’, ‘new challenge’? Were they really still not good enough?

Maybe if they took even a second to re-evaluate their feelings for each other, to be genuine with each other, they would realize that this wasn’t a simple model student rivalry, they were constantly vying for each other’s attention because they were in looooooove.

“Oh! Are the election guidelines done? I’ll take those to the office right away.” Mitsuri snatched the papers from (Y/n)’s hands and went skipping out of the room, leaving Shinobu and (Y/n) alone with the can of worms she had unknowingly opened.

“So, Tokyo.” Shinobu prompted, unnecessarily straightening a stack of papers.

So, Harvard.” (Y/n) countered, not giving an inch.

“Scholarship?”

“Full ride, obviously. You?”

“No question.”

There was a pregnant pause.

“I better get to practice then now that this is taken care of.” (Y/n) said, standing from her seat.

“Me too.”

Oh come on you guys, talk! You are both so obviously depressed about this! Stop being so prideful!

***

This was it. The principal was counting the votes. It had been a grueling campaign trail, but it was sure to pay off for one of the dearly beloved girls.

“Good race,” Shinobu murmured, tone overly sweet, from where she sat next to (Y/n) in the auditorium. “I could tell you put a lot of work into your campaign this year.”

A dig at (Y/n)’s humiliating loss last year.

“Nervous perhaps? I could tell that you’ve been working very hard as well.” (Y/n) replied.

“The results have been tallied!” The principal announced, a bit of feedback coming off of the microphone making many of the students groan.

(Y/n) and Shinobu sat straighter, going over their acceptance speeches in their minds, imagining the customary handshake between the President and Vice Persident to show no hard feelings…

God, just ask to hold hands. They would look a million times less desperate than they did pinning over a handshake of all things.

“This year’s student council president is…”

Come on, come on, who is it?!

“Mitsuri Kanroji!”

“Really?!” Mitsuri stood from her seat, thanking everyone she passed.

Meanwhile, if one stray gust of wind would magically whip through the auditorium, (Y/n) and Shinobu would have surely crumbled to dust on the breeze.

“Good for her.” (Y/n) spoke monotonously.

“Yeah, she’s often underestimated. It’s nice to see her get some recognition.” Shinobu agreed, matching her tone.

“Mhm, a lot smarter than people give her credit for. Not too mention so charismatic.”

“Extremely.”

Okay, well, that was unexpected, but there was always the VP position…

“And as is customary, second place and our new Vice President is… Obanai Iguro!”

What?! And they thought Mitsuri was the dark horse. Their little known treasurer, Obanai, was an actual snake! They didn’t even know he was campaigning!

That’s what happens when you only have your eyes and thoughts on each other twenty-four seven…

Although, it probably would have made them feel better to know that Obanai definitely cheated just so he could shake Mitsuri’s hand. Again, just ask them out instead of looking for a weird round about way to hold your crushes’ hand.

“What are we going to do with all of this free time?” (Y/n) asked aloud.

“I wonder.” Shinobu sighed tiredly.

***

They did find something to do with that spare time.

All year they had been cramming, taking every opportunity they could to eek out a higher GPA, but it was still neck and neck. Their AP psychology final was the last grade that had yet to be entered.

They really wasted that whole year studying instead of acknowledging their feelings and the fact that they would be thousands of miles away from each other, huh?

But they would be forced to confront those feelings soon enough when they were called down to the office.

“Congratulations ladies, it may come to no surprise to you, but you both have achieved the best grades of your senior class. We have two valedictorians this year!” The principal chortled delightedly. “Would you two mind terribly to write your speech together? I think it would be more impactful that way.”

“I see no problem with it.” Shinobu answered casually.

“We can figure something out.” (Y/n) shrugged.

“Great! Two weeks until graduation. Try not to let it get to you, I’m sure you girls will do just fine.”

“Thank you.” They answered together.

They had thought this outcome would depress them after the election debacle, but both felt rather neutral about it. They hadn’t had much time together with all the work they had been doing so having to write a speech together seemed like a good out.

Or, you know, could have just chilled and asked to hang out instead.

As they walked back to their study hall, they tried to deligate a time to meet. Easier said than done. These two were so busy with all of their extra curriculars that finding an decent time would be impossible!

“I guess we might have to plan something overnight over the weekend so we can work on this.” Shinobu suggested.

Yes! That’s how you do it Kochou! How will (L/n) respond?

“Over the weekend…” (Y/n) pretended to mull it over, “Yeah, that should work. No one will be home except for me, so we should be able to get it done without any distractions.”

Oh my god, an unsupervised sleepover?!

“Sounds good.”

It’s happening! It’s happening!

“Cool.”

“Great.”

…

“See you then.”

“Yeah.”

Awww, so awkward! But we already knew their social skills were a little out of wack.

***

They had been anticipating this meet up all week. Of course neither brought it up at all because they couldn’t afford to sound excited by the prospect, but when their track and softball practices let out, there they were walking side by side to (Y/n)’s house! Something they hadn’t dared dreamed about in their wildest fantasies.

Shy glances, brushing hands on the narrow sidewalk! They could die happy!

Wow guys, dial it in a little bit.

Shinobu wasted no time committing (Y/n)’s home to memory. Every cute picture, every smell, every little knickknack on (Y/n)’s shelves— she was in (Y/n)’s room! Ah! How exciting!

“What do you want for dinner?” (Y/n) asked.

Shinobu nearly swooned at the domesticity of it all.

“Anything is fine.” She somehow managed to sound casual as she plopped down on the edge of (Y/n)’s bed.

***

They were taking a break from typing out their seamless speech to have the takeout that had been dropped off and Shinobu was searching for a talking point. They had never talked about anything that wasn’t school related.

“Wow, isn’t this a blast from the past.” Shinobu chuckled, seeing the row of yearbooks on (Y/n)’s self.

Still school related, but it was something.

“Oh yeah,” (Y/n)’s lips twitched curiously.

“Let’s revisit, maybe—“

“No need for that. I could put something on the tv.”

“I guess some background noise would be nice.” Shinobu smiled, still reaching for the most recent year book since she hadn’t had the time to look at it yet.

“We should finish typing out the speech so we can send it in for evaluation.” (Y/n) tried to deter her again, reaching for the book.

Why was she being so weird about a silly yearbook?

Shinobu pulled the book towards her chest, away from (Y/n)’s hands. She sensed the discontent too, and she wanted to make (Y/n) squirm.

“What don’t you want me to see? Is your picture embarrassing? Did you blink again like in third grade?”

“Ha ha, yeah, you don’t need to see it. Or if you do, look in your own yearbook when you go home.” (Y/n) tried to snatch the yearbook away again, notably more uneasy.

Again, Shinobu held it out of reach, standing up and running away with an evil grin and book secured under her arm.

“Shinobu!” (Y/n) ran after her, but Shinobu was always faster, that’s why she gave up on cross and track in seventh grade.

“Come on now,” Shinobu laughed, cracking open the book as she slid behind the living room table, “What could be so bad that you wouldn’t want me to see…”

(Y/n)’s picture was totally fine. It was Shinobu’s picture that held something interesting. Below her picture, by her name, was a little heart in what appeared to be purple highlighter. Damning evidence. Shinobu’s own heart picked up in tempo.

(Y/n) snatched the yearbook out of Shinobu’s hands, though it was already too late. Without a word she walked stiffly back to her room, shoving to book back in place while Shinobu stood awkwardly in the doorway.

“I’ll finish typing out the speech and I’ll email it in. You can go home.” (Y/n) told her without looking back at her. Her voice wavered ever so slightly, but Shinobu noticed.

(Y/n) sat on the bed, back to Shinobu, and opened her laptop again. Any teasing and gloating Shinobu had on the tip of her tongue died.

Good job reading the room for once, Shinobu. You’ve earned a cookie.

“(Y/n), I’m sorry I looked, but this is a good thing I think, because I actually—“

“I don’t want to hear it!” (Y/n) snapped. “I don’t care what you think because it won’t matter anyway! I’ll be almost seven thousand miles away so who cares!”

Shinobu’s throat tightened and she tried to swallow the awful feeling down, but it almost made her feel worse. She should have swallowed her pride and said something sooner, because (Y/n) was right, what good would it do them now? They’d only have the summer… maybe less if (Y/n) needed time to get used to Tokyo.

“Alright then. See you Monday I guess.” Shinobu said solemnly.

(Y/n) didn’t reply and Shinobu gathered her things and left. As soon as she got home, she stalked passed Kanae who was surprised to see her.

“I thought you were having a sleepover tonight.” She called.

“Cancelled. Not feeling well.”

“Oh, well you have mail on the counter—“

“Later.” Shinobu grunted, stomping up the stairs.

“Okay, grumpy. Feel better soon.” Kanae could tell this was an emotional, ‘I don’t feel good’ and not a physical, ‘I don’t feel good.’, so she decided to give Shinobu some space.

As soon as Shinobu was alone in her room, she buried her face in her pillow to soak up the frustrated and hopeless tears. Then she wallowed in her sadness the rest of the night and most of the next morning.

She turned her head, glaring at Kanae when she entered without so much as a knock and turned on the lights. In her hands she carried a plate of food and a letter.

“I’m not hungry.” Shinobu grumbled, turning away and burying herself under her blankets.

“At least read your mail first,” Kanae sighed, “I don’t know what your attitude is all about, but I think it might help.” She poked at Shinobu beneath the covers until an exasperated hand pushed out from underneath and snatched the letter from Kanae’s hand.

When Kanae left, Shinobu sat up and looked at the letter, finally registering who it was from. Quickly, she tore it open and read it.

Maybe things weren’t as hopeless as she had originally thought.

***

“It’s no secret that Shinobu and I, for as civil as we seem to be with each other, fought like crazy to be the one to give this speech.”

“As you can see, I couldn’t manage to shake (Y/n) free from my coattails, so here we both are.” Shinobu teased, earning a quiet rumble of laughter through the crowd.

They hit all the right beats in their speech, but Shinobu could tell as the closing words got closer, (Y/n) was trying harder not to get choked up.

“And so, to finally break free from the devil woman next to me, I’ve decided to attend Tokyo University because it was the furthest I could physically get from her.” (Y/n)’s voice broke at the end, but it was covered by the polite laughter of the crowd.

Shinobu caught her hand in her own, causing (Y/n) to meet her eyes questioningly, tears threatening to fall.

“Which is why I am happy to announce that I too, will be attending Tokyo University.” Shinobu declared, going off script, dabbing the tears from (Y/n)’s cheeks with the sleeve of her gown.

“What?” (Y/n) sobbed. Surely she had misheard.

In a surprising turn of events Shinobu had actually applied to both schools just in case (Y/n) had the same idea, but her application to Tokyo had been lost in the mail for weeks and then her acceptance letter decided to get lost too, for quiet a few months, actually!

“You can’t get rid of me that easily.” Shinobu grinned.

That grin was quickly swiped off of her face, when (Y/n)’s lips overzealously met hers, but she was all too happy with the interruption to mind.

“Oh my god! It’s finally happening! My ship!” Mitsuri stood from her seat and cheered, prompting everyone else to do the same.

It was sure to be a valedictorian speech that would not be soon forgotten. Breathless, the couple delivers their final lines before they could be shooed off of the stage for their overt display of affection.

[zannolin]

Hey I'm not gonna be able to word all of this properly but I just finished parts 1 and 2 of boys in bars and... my god. I truly don't have the words to express how much it got to me. I'm just lying here in bed, staring at the ceiling with tears running down my face. The longing, the grief, that hungry empty feeling in the gut that I've known for so long, you capture all of it here so well. ESPECIALLY with Mike's POV. I usually lean more towards identifying with Will most of the time, but GOD I relate to Mike in this. The part about realising you're only ever writing the same story, but you can't stop bc you want to write the good parts of it again? Holy shit.

I have no idea if any of this is gonna make sense but like, this was one of those rare pieces of art that give voice to something you can never describe directly, never explain exactly what it is, but still capture it so perfectly. Like anything I try to articulate about how it makes me feel is gonna break the spell and it won't BE what it is. Sorry I know that sounds weird. But stories like this are why I love stories so much. Thank you for sharing it, you're an incredibly skilled writer, I can't wait to read part 3. I hope it kills me.

it doesn't sound weird at all! this is so sweet oh my god you're going to make me cry and i haven't even had my coffee yet. i'm really glad it's resonating with people because the entire reason i ended up here and like this dynamic so much is i've lived through more than one incredibly dear friend moving away and then the loss of contact that follows, and it's rough, and every time i see those memories reflected in stranger things it's like a kick to the chest. i guess you could say boys in bars is me writing my own story over and over but giving it a different ending, lol.

and i can't even tell you how happy it makes me to know people like my mike pov because he's been a favorite character of mine since i was a teen. i've been a mike fan since the very very start and i've always kind of thought about writing fic about him but never did and to know i've finally done it and people liked it? massive. very dear to my heart.

anyway. thank you for this ask and thank you for reading !! i'm really looking forward to getting part three done because people like you who are so kind and excited about it <3

[foster-the-moths]

more thoughts about adam murray in vol 4

disclaimer: i think adam is a huge asshole and he shouldn't treat the people around him Like That but i think understanding the reason of why he does that is just as important as understanding why his actions aren't justified

first of all i do believe it is in his nature to hurt the people around him but i also think he does not mean to. also i don't think his actions are justified but i AM questioning if they were really even his to begin with. sarah asks him "what's gotten into you" so this is obviously abnormal behavior for him, and (before he denies it) sarah seems to be under the impression that jonah is his best friend, not just some guy he hangs out with. even evelin says "he's always been the nicest guy" during her interview. I've already talked about the part in the second memorial video when he says he "never said that" and the whole "get out of my head" thing and i think sarah noticing him acting strange kind of cements that. it's hard to tell what he actually says and what might be someone else or what might be influenced by someone else so. idk but until it's confirmed one way or another i'm skeptical he actually meant any of what he said to sarah (maybe i'm in denial but. whatever).

Also i think he really shouldn't have brought sarah to cesar's house, and definitely shouldn't have pushed her like that, but i don't think he really understood how distressed she was. whenever he's around an alternate he seems to get a little obsessive over it and i think it blinds him to how the people around him feel. i don't think he meant to hurt sarah, and i don't think he ever had any malicious intent when he took her to that house, but i also think sarah has a right to be mad at him. it was fucked up.

idk. just kind of tired of people saying he has malicious intent behind everything he does when i don't think that's the case. and its just so much more interesting to look at him through a different lens. and maybe this has no real basis in canon but i think he wants to be able to feel the things he seems to be unable to. i think a part of him is disgusted by his own lack of emotions. i think he wants to understand. he sounds desperate when he says "it's the computer, not me, i swear." i think his entire reality is collapsing around him and he doesn't know how to pick up the pieces. i think he pushes other people away because they are horrified by him. viewing adam through a lens of tragedy is just so much more interesting then chalking it up to him being evil. if human beings would do the things he did in his situation then imagine being an alternate on top of that. and there's just still so much we don't know about him. most of what we've seen is things going to shit and high-strung emotions like we don't know what he does on a day-to-day basis. at the end of the day i think he is nuanced and until we get more information he's a bit of an enigma still (and i'm not as good as articulating my thoughts into words as i would like to be). but this is literally just the most opinionated and self-projecting analysis of this character as well so do with that information with you will lmao.

[2kmps]

So, I just want to say that Opaque is phenomenal! I loved it and also because of it I finally decided to work on my own original works. Lately been going through whether it's even worth it but seeing you dedicate so much and make Opaque really inspired me. Thanks for being an amazing writer and keep blessing us with your words <3

***CRACKS KNUCKLES***

I want to say that I often still feel the same way as you do now. I think I always have. It's hard because writing is a medium of storytelling that is exceptionally effective and common, but it often gets overlooked and downplayed in place of stuff like painting or music or idk acting/theater. But, to some degree, all of those things still demand writing to know how things will turn out, or what way they'll go.

It's hard sometimes because in our digital age, we've become completely insatiable and disgruntled by the way the world is, by the things pandemic lockdown did to us and I feel like people doom scroll as a way to hide from there damage or try to force a sense of normalcy that just no longer exists.

It's strange bc people consume gratuitously but they don't really want to. We're not meant to. No one I've ever met has ever, truly, wanted to consume, consume, consume blue screens and have irregular sleep patterns but we do it bc it's our "normal".

My point here is that writing is not something you can consume like a ten second short on social media. If you try to tear thru a piece of writing, you're going to miss everything and it'll seem like nothing.

Right now, it's hard to be a writer in both fanfic and otherwise bc ppl don't want to take the time to read, they don't want to take the time to try to articulate their thoughts and feelings for feedback. Interaction with writing on archives like ao3 and sites like tumblr have plummeted bc, I suspect, no one knows how to talk to each other anymore and suffer with the whole "I'm sitting in the room with someone and that's what counts" syndrome.

H O W E V E R

Despite how shitty that all is and how thankless and emotionally taxing writing has become on websites like this (or anywhere), I feel like what makes writers unique is our inherent need to create.

We are storytellers. We feel the stories we want to tell are important. And, I think, most writers feel that significance so deeply that it's agonizing and downright unbearable when these special things we create aren't seen.

I have been writing for twenty years.

I have never gained notoriety. I am not published. I don't make money of the things that I write and share online

But I do it because I am so strongly passionate that my stories are worth telling even if I don't receive validation and agreement from other people.

I'm glad that Opaque was able to inspire you, and as hard as it is and outright miserable it can feel—please create and write your stories. Your work is worth it, and that doubt you and I feel lets us know that we believe it somewhere inside.

I will continue to be the biggest, noisiest bitch on any platform I'm on tho to get my work around. Because you're not going to hole me in a stereotype where writers are supposed to be grateful, bashful creatures who only take what they are given, when they're given it.

Fuck all y'all and take care of your writers just like you do your artists or any other person with a creative outlet 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #53

previously - Journal Entry #52

Victor

"Do you even know what I need?"

I can't believe I said that to my poor husband, especially given how our conversation had been going and the state of mind he was obviously in. Even before the entire sentence was out of my mouth, I regretted it, but unfortunately there was no way to pull it back in.

Several minutes before that, I'd found Yuri in the upstairs bathroom, crying his heart out. I think he was trying to hide from me, but I figured he would've realized by now that he never can. I don't know how I always know when something's wrong with him. I just do, and usually I'm able to help him in some way.

On this night, though? Tonight, not only did I not help, but I possibly made things worse.

Not that anyone else’s opinion has any real impact here, but I want you guys to understand, asking Yuri that question wasn't meant as a rebuke. Although it probably came out sounding that way, I wasn't trying to criticize him.

The truth is, up until recently, he's been giving me exactly what I need, whether he's able to articulate what that is or not. And if he can't put it into words, that's not his fault. It's not as if he's never asked me what I need. He has, but it's my inability to express stuff clearly that's the problem, not his ability to understand, and for me to demand him to explain something that I can barely even explain myself was beyond unfair.

What Yuri does for me, and what I've always needed someone to do, is to help provide stability for me. Sometimes, when I'm scared or stressed or upset, I have a hard time processing my thoughts and regulating my energy. I don't really know how to describe it, but it's like static in my brain, like white noise that makes it nearly impossible for me to hear the part of my mind that controls my impulses and forms logical thoughts. But, Yuri knows how to calm me down when I'm like that. He knows better than anyone what a mess I am, and he always seems to have the ability to sort me out.

Yuri was the one who realized the importance of schedules for me, too. As silly as it sounds, he gave me a regular bedtime and wake-up time, and helped me build other routines into my life that are the same every day. I can't even begin to tell you what a huge difference that's made in terms of how well I'm able to process my emotions and regulate my energy. I guess it's because those are things I don't have to focus on now, so I'm able to devote more brainpower to being a functional human.

Another thing he does is to talk sense into me when I need it. I like to say he's my voice of reason, 'cause I'm not particularly reasonable sometimes.

Being with him has helped me grow as a person. I think I'm more mature because of him, and more responsible. He teaches me by example how to be brave and resilient and emotionally strong. In situations where I'd be likely to give up, Yuri keeps going. As frail and sick as he is, if he can persevere, I have no excuse.

Since he's been really sick this time, though, something's changed. This is the most seriously ill I've ever seen him, and usually when he's not well, he's clingy and needy and just wants to be held and fussed over as much as possible which, contrary to what people may think, I don't mind at all. I haven't been able to take care of him like I normally would, and I'm sure that's affecting him, but it's more than that. I feel like he's been distancing himself from me, and I don't understand why. I've never known him to be as emotionally fragile as he's been over the past several weeks, and I suppose I expected that to lead to him wanting more affection, not less.

Not gonna lie, the lack of physical touch is hard on me, 'cause that's another thing I need. I'm a very tactile person, and Yuri touching me in any way makes me feel grounded and safe, particularly because I know how much of an act of trust it is for him to touch or be touched by anyone. I love it when he gets onto my lap and wants me to hold him, but I'm equally happy when he gives me a hug or plays with my fingers or pets my hair. And I like it when he lets me touch him in any way at all, but especially intimately. It's good to feel trusted. I'm missing that now, and it's starting to hurt me quite a lot.

Yuri didn't answer my question, but I didn't expect him to, since it was kind of rhetorical anyway. The problem was, he cried harder, and the sound of his sobs went straight to my heart. It felt like an invisible knife was stabbing me in the chest, and it took a sheer force of will for me not to start crying as well.

I felt so bad for snapping at him and upsetting him more than he already had been. Yes, I was frustrated and confused, but that didn't justify it.

I know there are people out there who believe he uses emotional manipulation on me. Like, people have said that to my face, so I'm not just being weird or paranoid about it. And yeah, maybe he does do it occasionally, but I've never met another human being who doesn't do it once in a while. But, to anyone who thinks Yuri regularly exploits my sensitivity with fake tears or some other made-up crap, I just wanna remind you that you aren't here with us all the time. You see what we show you, and that doesn't always include the moments of raw, genuine emotional reaction.

I promise you, Yuri's tears tonight were real, not made up to trick me into doing anything. In fact, I got the feeling he would’ve preferred that I wasn’t anywhere near him. Something was hurting him, and I was pretty sure it wasn't his illness. I was afraid it was me.

When he didn't respond after several seconds, I said softly, "I'm sorry."

I could barely hear him as he said weakly, "Go away."

"No," I said. "We need to figure this out.

Finally, he looked up at me. His face was all puffy and swollen, and the edges of his eyes were red. He looked awful, and I just wanted to hold him and soothe away any pain that I could.

"There's nothing to figure out," he said. "You'd be better off without me."

"Yuri." His name was all I could get out at first as I battled my desire to break down in tears. I drew in the deepest breath I was capable of. "Yuri, I need you. Please don't ever say I'd be better off without you, 'cause I wouldn't be. Without you, I... I might not even be here."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"How could you forget?" I said. "Remember the day I came home from the hospital? That night?"

"Yes."

I folded my arms close to my body, but the self-protecting gesture did little to prevent the shiver of dread that went through me at the memory of that night. I'm not sure I really wanted to talk about it, but something in my conscience told me I needed to reveal one particular thing to my husband. It was a secret too big to keep, and I needed him to know, and there might never be a more appropriate time.

"That night... I literally wanted to die, Yuri. Not figuratively. Literally. I would've been perfectly fine with closing my eyes and never waking up."

He stared at me, and the expression that crossed his face was nothing short of haunted. "You...? Literally?"

"Yeah," I said. "I was angry and scared and... I don't know. Desperate, I guess. I felt like my whole life was ruined, just because of one dumb mistake."

"It wasn't," he said. "Didn't I tell you that?"

"I know. You did, and I trusted you. It's the reason I'm here," I said. "But, I think I was out of my mind that night. Like, I wasn't thinking straight at all. I'd never been in that much pain in my entire life, and I was worried that I'd never be able to see again, and everything was just... too much. I know it's nothing compared to the pain you're in sometimes, but I still couldn't handle it. Not like you can."

"I didn't realize," he said. "I wanted to help you settle down because I knew you were upset, but I... I didn't realize..."

"I'm still around because of you," I reiterated, and in a flash of clarity it occurred to me that statement was one hundred percent true.

I don't know if there's a word for how horrible and useless and stupid I felt after my accident. Combine that with an excruciating headache, deep bone pain in both my arms, unrelenting nausea from the medication I was taking, and the absolutely terrifying prospect of permanently losing my vision, and I had a recipe for the end of life as I knew it. In hindsight, it's easy to say I was overreacting, but all I wanted on that first night back at home was for all my pain, both physical and psychological, to disappear.

You know how I explained that my struggles with impulse control and rational thinking are worse when I'm stressed? Left alone that night, it's likely that I would've made a very bad choice, and as a consequence, I wouldn't be here right now to share my thoughts about it. Thankfully, I had Yuri by my side. He couldn't make the pain go away, but he convinced me I could endure it and that it'd eventually pass. He was right, and I'm beyond grateful he was there with me.

I continued with, "You told me that you didn't know what you'd do without me. You said you'd stay by me no matter what, and you promised to take care of me, remember? You promised. What happened to that? Didn't you mean it?"

"Of course I meant it."

"If you meant it, then why are you saying I'd be better off without you now?" I said. "If you thought I needed you a few weeks ago, why wouldn't you still think that?"

"Because I was wrong."

"About what?"

"I wanted to be useful," he said. "I wanted to feel like an equal partner, and I wanted you to be able to trust me to look after you."

"I did trust you," I said. "I do."

More tears began to leak from the edges of his eyes and spill down his face. "I really tried. I tried my best to be strong for you and take care of you, but... I couldn't do it. I can't be equal to you. I can't even do a fraction of what you do.”

“It doesn’t matter if you’re not able to do everything all the time. I get it, and it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not fine, Look what happened to me after only a few days. Other people ended up having to take care of me, and where did that leave my promise to you?"

"You had no control over that," I said. "You did try your hardest, and you were awesome, but we both know you were already starting to get sick before my accident."

"This always happens. It's as if I'm always too ill when you need me the most."

"I need you all the time," I said.

"You don't need me being a burden to you."

"You're not a burden to me. How often am I going to have to tell you that? Taking care of you is a lot, but it's not a burden. I want to do it."

"But, what if I don't want to make your life difficult any more?" he said.

"You're not making my life difficult. If I ever made you feel that way, I'm sorry, 'cause I never meant to. You make my life better, and I'll never not want you in it."

"It... it wasn't you who made me think that," he said.

I held out my good hand to him. "Will you let me touch you?"

He chewed on his lip, clearly wrangling with the decision. I could practically see the debate going on in his head, reflected in his eyes. I could also see the precise moment when he made up his mind.

He crept slowly across the floor toward me, and crawled onto my lap. Wrapping his arms around my body, he leaned into me and rested his head against my shoulder. I held him with my good arm.

He cried for a while, and I stayed quiet, just letting him get it all out. It was plain to see that our situation had been bothering him and that he'd been spending a lot of time thinking about it. I suspected it'd been on his mind for some time, even before his conversation with Seiji, but whatever had happened between them certainly hadn't done anything to improve matters at all.

It infuriated me to think that Seiji had gone to see him in the hospital with the sole intention of telling him off. Of course I knew how Seiji felt — he'd made it perfectly clear that day in the park — but when he said he was going to give Yuri a piece of his mind, I never dreamed it'd be something like that. I thought maybe he'd give him a bit of a hard time for having to work instead of being there to see me compete. I didn't expect he'd go there and air out all his pent-up negativity.

And like... how dare he say Yuri is a terrible person? And how dare he try to interfere in our relationship and tell Yuri that I'm unhappy and that I'd be better off without him? I wanted to give him a huge piece of my mind for that.

Generally, I give people the benefit of the doubt, and I get that Seiji's going through a lot of difficult stuff, but that gives him no right to make everyone else as miserable as he is. Some of us are working hard to be the best versions of ourselves, and nobody needs another person tearing them down.

I decided I'd let it go for the time being. The last thing I wanted was to get into a pointless fight. I have more important things to focus on than Seiji Hinamori's poor behaviour. Besides, I reasoned that I'd get my opportunity to speak to him about it at some point anyway, and maybe it'd be a more productive conversation if we had the benefit of time to calm down and gain some perspective

"I love you," I said, once Yuri's weeping had subsided to sniffling and a few tiny whimpers. "I need you and I want you, and nothing anyone says is ever going to change that. Do you understand?"

He nodded against my shoulder, and said, "Yes, but..."

"No 'buts'," I said. "Maybe it's hard for you to accept hearing this from me right now, but you know what? That's totally okay. Take your time and figure out whatever you need to figure out, but just keep in mind that I'm not going anywhere while you're sorting through it.

He sighed. "Okay." Then, after a second or two, "Victor?"

'Yeah?"

"I really don't deserve you."

"It's not about deserving," I said. "Most of us wouldn't be happy if we got what the powers of the universe or whatever decided that we deserved. Wouldn't you rather have what you need than what you deserve?"

"Are you angry with me?"

"No, I'm not angry," I told him. "I'm worried about you. I'm sorry if you thought I was mad. I'm tired and frustrated, and I guess I could be handling it better, but that's got nothing to do with you. That's just me wishing things would get back to normal faster."

"Me too," he said. "I'm so tired."

"I know, love," I reached up to run my fingers through his hair. "It's okay. You've been through a lot lately."

"So have you.”

“Yeah, but I’m mostly better. Now we’ve got to work on getting you back on your feet.”

“I know I shouldn’t complain,” he said. “But I don’t know if that’s going to happen. Me getting back on my feet. Everything hurts, and I don’t know how to cope with it any more.”

"Saying you're tired or in pain isn't complaining. You’re allowed to say how you feel,” I told him. “It might actually be easier to deal with if you talk about it.”

"I'm too tired to talk. I can’t even think any more."

“Do you want to go to bed now?" I asked. Sleep wasn't the long-term solution, I realized, but if he was mentally tired, at least some sleep would give him a break from whatever turmoil was in his head.

"Yeah," he said.

"Would you like me to sleep in your bed with you, or do you still want to be alone?"

"I never want to be alone," It came out so softly that I wouldn't have caught it if his head hadn't been so close to mine. "Never again. I'm so afraid of that. But I'm scared that if I can't become a worthwhile person, I... I'll be alone... again... forever."

I thought he had run out of tears, but they renewed themselves in the middle of a sentence and left him hiccuping for breath by the end of it. He slumped down onto my legs, as if he didn't have a scrap of strength left to hold himself upright any more.

"Shh... shh..." I rubbed his back the way I know he likes, trying to comfort him. "Listen to me. You are a worthwhile person. You're an amazing person. Don’t I tell you that all the time?”

“Y-yes.”

“We all have stuff to work on,” I said. “If you want to fix some things, I'll help you however I can. Or you can ask for help from a professional if you think that's what you need, or we could talk to somebody together. When you're ready, you just tell me what you want, okay?"

"I want to feel like I’m enough," he whispered.

I pushed away the urge to tell him that he already is enough, that in my eyes, he’s everything. I’m sure he knows how much I love him and I’m equally sure that, deep down, he understands there are a lot of people in his life who do accept him just as he is.

The real problem is that he’s struggling to accept himself.

I don't think his poor self-worth is a new problem. My guess is that it goes back so far that he's forgotten how to think of himself as inherently valuable and is convinced he has to earn approval and validation from others. Except he never can, because when someone praises him or tells him he matters, he doesn't trust that they're telling the truth, because by his own standards it's literally impossible for him to measure up.

I could’ve given him every affirmation I could think of, and he wouldn’t have believed any of them. I wanted to tell him how strong and courageous and resilient he is, how intelligent and practical, and so delicately beautiful that it should be me who calls him 'treasure' and not the other way around. I wanted to say that he doesn't have to be objectively perfect to be perfect for me. But, all those words would’ve been lost if I spoke them aloud just then, and that realization broke my heart.

What I said instead was, "I'm never going to let you go. You're the most important person in the world to me."

With the proper help, I hope that one day when he looks at himself, he'll be able to see what I see when I look at him. Not a single one of us is flawless — not Yuri or me or anyone else — but everyone has something to offer the world. Everyone has value. Each of us means something to someone, whether we recognize that or not, and we each have our own special place in the grand design of the universe.

Sitting there in the middle of our bathroom floor, it occurred to me that I want the same thing for Yuri that he wants for himself. I want him to be happy, and I want him to understand that regardless of his disability, of any personal shortcomings or any mistakes he's made, of any bad thing anyone's said to him or about him — regardless of anything — he is enough.

[graysbullshit]

Ok, what the fuck is going on with this new "anti intellectualism" trend? I keep seeing the most obtuse takes laced with lack of nuance on twitter. Suddently it is as if everyone is determined into making everything a part of "good guy" versus "bad guy". Especially when it comes to "cancel culture". People seem to have an issue differenciating "mistake" and "pattern of behavior". It applies to real people, to characters, to SONGS???? It's insane.

Like, with the realease of HOTD I keep seing people saying the wildest things. People have been treating luke's death with a type of seriousness that isn't warranted. Like, I understand he is your favorite character, but why are people acting as if Almond is the devil? Also, the opposite is also true. Why do people insist in trying to take the blame away from almod as if he ISN'T an antagonist? Including the authors! He IS bad and he has done BAD THINGS and he will probably do WORSE things. It's the whole purpose of the character. It's not surprising, it doesn't reflect the character of almod's fans, it should not be excused and it's annoying me so fucking much that I'm starting to wish he'd kill Jake too istg.

Or the Antihero video clip from Taylor. I've seen people say that the word "fat" was being used as a derrogatory insult in the video, and yes. It has been used as a derrogatory insult in the video, on real life, on video games, on books and on other songs. The movement to turn "fat" a positive word is great! But you can't pretend as if the prospect of "becoming fat" hasn't been the biggest fear of any woman for the past 20 years. Taylor was representing this fear, that was caused by the big media, by putting a word that has been used as an insult against her. What is the problem? Did she say that you should be scared of becoming fat? Did she say being fat is a bad thing? No, she simply showed a fear she had that is related to a EATING DISORDER. She is talking about her personal experience people, how ignorant do you have to be to miss this? It's not even a opnion she has, its literally an artistic expression of a personal experience she went through.

Then there's the whole doctor who thing, which I'm not even going to get into because I'll get angry and not be able to articulate my thoughts in a concise manner. In general, my thoughts are [insert angry emoji here].

Then there's all the crazy discussions of my country's politics, which I won't get into because there is A LOT to discuss.

Then there's Tiktok and OH MY FUCKING GOD I HAVE NEVER SEEN A PLACE SO FULLED BY STUPID PEOPLE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. No one does any research, no one even googles anything, no one fact checks. It drives me insane. Tho, I really like tiktok when you ignore this factor.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. It was weighting on my chest and I had to get all of this out of my system.

[dayseternal-blog]

In Memory, Katarinahime. Part 5.

It started from the end, how confusing, but it does. Only the first page is the beginning, just like any other story out there. It starts from the end, though, you know. I'll never call it Incomplete. I knew her in words.

@savage-scarcity, @angi1993, @bunny-hoodlum, @szajnie, and to others who have read or will read katarinahime's work.

This is a long personal reflection turned letter to you, if you would be willing to read it. I'm sharing from here in Part 5, written today because

Angi told me her funeral was today, Friday, July 15, 2022.

I'm not ready for closure.

This is Ongoing.

Please treat this like you would one of my stories.

"I don't know what to do with it." "With what?" "With all the love I have for her. I don't know where to put it now." - Phoebe Waller-Bridge, from Fleabag

I sat down where I once stood and hoped silence would be quiet enough.

Mouth full of love, and yet I didn't know my echoes still sounded in the dark.

I was so loud, who would have thought.

There are others louder, who would have thought.

"The community is in mourning."

Where?

If grief is another word for love, then so is guilt. And anger.

Of all things, a fortune cookie told me to "Seek solace in the creativity of others."

In my silence, I listened.

"When loss reaches her, she cannot even cry out, But where has it gone? And the sky, so utterly blue it can barely be faced." - Jane Hirshfield, from Of Gravity & Angels; “Surrounded By All the Falling”

"I never knew I could feel this type of sadness for someone I never met irl but ya just wanted to reach out and say I’m here if you ever need someone else in the community."

"My dear days. It must be so hard for you too. Please feel loved and let’s keep her in our thoughts, hearts and prayers. Much love to you."

"I'm all jumbled, I just keep thinking about that one lunch, that's all. It was just for a couple or so hours, tho. I mean, I am glad I did it. Her daughter had her eyes. I'm sorry, I'd hate for this to hang on you, the 'what-ifs'. It's hard not to be sad today."

"I have so much I wish I'd said. She was such a talent and a light. The whole fandom and world is dimmer without her. I love her and I love you."

"Having pushed the world away, we call it back through language." - Oliver Baez Bendorf, from Bone Dust

"Truly the news is really sinking in today, and it’s surprising to me how some people who found out on Friday like me are…moving on already. Thank you for messaging me! It’s comforting to grieve with others."

"So much love to you, too, angi. There is no one else like her for me. I'm holding her closely in my heart. Thank you for grieving with me."

"People are sending me asks about fanfics still and it’s like can they read the room. But I have to say I am comforted by the fact that so many other fandom members are grieving, too…I don’t know how to explain it. It’s less lonely than it otherwise would be."

"I read your reply, and it’s the words that I haven’t been able to articulate. There’s guilt and regret and I don’t know how long I will feel like this."

I lost her. I cannot write. And yet, how awful, all I can do is write!

I loved her. I loved her. I loved her.

I stood again, mouth full of grief, and I've been baring this wound to the void for days.

Please let this echo far louder than any list in the past, I swear her bones left untold will hear it from the other side of the dark.

She was listening? You tell me now that she listened to me?

Had I realized better,

Don't. I couldn't bear that guilt. No one can.

[seyaryminamoto]

An ask about how you plotted Gladiator raised a good question. How do you keep track of it all? If you write notes, how do you organize them? How many Word files do you have? Or do you use another software?

Well... I can certainly say I've never needed as much backup material to keep up with a story as I have with this one, for obvious reasons X'D

Okay, I had a simple bullet-points list at first, probably started it around the time I was writing either arc 2 or finishing arc 1? At that point, keeping track of what I wanted to happen next wasn't so hard. But I turned this into what you could call a wishlist, haha, of ideas that I wanted to implement in the future, so I dumped those ideas there. Little by little I started articulating, organizing them, and that's kind of how Part 1's structure came to be. Whatever new idea I'd get, I'd add it to the bullet points list. Once I crafted the bulk of the story's outline for the first time, it was initially written there. As of this day... that particular document, which I don't rely on as much anymore, amounts to 3K words, 8 pages worth of very rough, very basic plotting.

But then more complicated arcs started happening. Stuff I REALLY needed to work out in proper detail because I wasn't sure I would be able to just remember whatever I wanted to do. Sometimes inspiration strikes like lighting: hits once and then it's gone and you're just left ambling about, half-blind, unsure of what the hell is going on :'D so I started writing similar bullet points lists that were more detailed structure for the more difficult arcs to plot. Pairs Tournament arc, I think, was the first one to receive this treatment. Fire Lord for a Week arc in Part 2 also had to be handled this way, same as the final arc of Part 2, and the Race, particularly since that one required extra choreographing on my part to get it right. In Part 3, I did this with the Taking Omashu arc as well. There are a few more bullet-point lists about some really important things that will matter in the future... but I can't talk about those yet :'D

Now then, past this: I have the a huge Excel document where I tried to keep track of the disaster ranking of the Superior Gladiator League. As much as Part 3 has been so difficult... not having to update the ranking is so goddamn nice about it :') This document had the ranking itself, the names + locations of all Superior League Arenas, the brackets for every Pairs Tournament we saw, it's also where I kept track of the Race's points... and there's also a very poorly crafted timeline in this document where I tried (and kind of failed) to figure out how many years had passed in the story and how old each character would be :'D as you might be able to tell, this particular document is... a mess. Big mess. I do not recommend looking at it. The timeline in particular is just completely irrelevant tbh...

Because I made a NEW timeline doc that keeps track of... everything. Kind of. Mostly? :'D

The new timeline doc was necessary and I honestly should have had it around from the start, but I spent AGES putting that one off because I have no sense :'D I think I started it in Part 2, REALLY late, as in, when Wan Shi Tong was writing down what Azula would say about her family. Then, Part 3 made this doc a much bigger necessity because I REALLY needed to keep track of... the obvious :') as in, Azula's pregnancy. Real pregnancies are tracked on a weekly basis. Hence... I had to start planning, plotting and strategizing my story by keeping in mind where, exactly, we would be in terms of Azula's pregnancy, CONSTANTLY. That sure switched up things for me :'D forced me to be a lot more organized than I usually want to be because wild freedom is kinda nice sometimes... but I couldn't keep doing that anymore. So! This timeline doc starts with the birth of Fire Lord Hizuo in the year -49, and it goes all the way to the events of year... 121! :'D I broke down the story events of each year in this doc, so if you want a bit of a rundown of what we've seen so far...

Year 104: Chapters 1 and 2

Year 106: Chapter 3 to approximately chapter 46

Year 107: Chapter 47 to chapter 114 (yeeeeah a lot of things happened that year :'D

Year 108: Chapter 115 to chapter 164

Year 109: Chapter 165 to chapter 200 (note that there was a preeetty big time skip of around 6 months between Hahn's Gambit arc and The Mad Alchemist arc).

Year 110: Chapter 201 to chapter 328 (okay now THIS was an eventful year, holy shit :'D and naturally it's the one I'm posting right now...)

Year 111: Chapter 329 to... ??? Still not done with the events of that year :'D so I dunno how many chapters it's going to be!

Things really changed since I started keeping track of events by month, even by weeks. I've tried to keep doing that since, even beyond writing Azula's pregnancy. It's a little annoying to be so thorough and to panic over miscalculating dates and such, but at the same time I think I feel more secure in my own crazy story this way.

Ah, and there we go. That's Gladiator's plotting documents, every single one of...

...

...

...

Yeah okay, that's not true.

Look. Sometimes you REALLY need to be thorough. Some things require WAY too much finesse. Sometimes you're telling two stories simultaneously. Sometimes you're telling THREE. Sometimes it's even MORE than that because you have flashbacks and multiple POVs of events in a battlefield. Sometimes you have to write huge battles between armies and you need to keep track of wtf you're doing. Sometimes you have to articulate events to make sure they match each other timeline-wise!

... At those times, you make a big document with a huge table, split in three columns.

Column 1 is the arc's name. Column 2 is Sokka's side of the story. Column 3 is Azula's side of the story.

... And sometimes that document ends up becoming as long as 122 pages.

Yeah, uh, the document carrying the highly sensitive plans, detailing every single arc of Part 3 and how they work, how they connect, how long they'll be, what will happen in each of them (as well as which elements happened in which chapter, some of which ends up getting switched up, back and forth, depending on whether my writing lined up with the reality of my plotting or not...) is genuinely, uh... 122 pages long. 45K words. By my standards, that's about the length of 3 Gladiator chapters :'D

I had to be really thorough in that document. I was lost in regards of how I'd handle Part 3 for some time. Even if I had some ideas for it already, Sokka's side of the story used to be muuuuch clearer than Azula's. Once Rei showed up, plotting for Azula's side became soooo much easier to do... but the point is, Part 3 has been the most challenging aspect of plotting this story by far. I'm flexible enough with my plans, some things don't work or would work better at other times, and I simply adapt to it. But this document was 100% necessary to make sure I wouldn't get lost in the chaos of Part 3... so there it is :'D

Additional to this: I keep a version of Bill Mudron's ATLA map on direct access for easy reference whenever I want to make sure I'm not committing geographical crimes by making characters travel too fast, or to places that aren't even close to each other :'D it has been a huge element in my plotting and ensured I don't ATLA finale ANYTHING in the story since its earliest days. I also had to acquire a strange little resource, an educational app about space that features a projection/simulation of timezones! And that's how I've been keeping track of whether it's daytime or nighttime in Sokka or Azula's story, particularly useful whenever they connect to each other spiritually since it's very often nighttime for one and daytime for the other and these events should be happening simultaneously :'D

Oof, well. That's all I can think of atm to answer this question. There are always a lot of references you need as a writer, lots of places to keep track of your research, of your worldbuilding... it's chaotic but once you find a method to your madness, it can be fun, even! :D it still blows me away a little that my big full plotting document is 122 pages long, but it's been an undeniably useful asset all across these years.

So, in total, counting only my documents... I have about 10 different Word documents, 1 Excel spreadsheet with multiple sheets, probably around 8 different ones, 1 map, 1 cosmos education app. Making it around 13 resources to keep track of what I'm doing in this huge chaotic story :'D

... 11, come to think of it. I have one hilarious document that's basically me arguing with myself over some big plot changes I did to Part 3 as a whole when I started writing the first spiritual connection and it became EXTREMELY obvious that Azula wasn't letting Sokka go without telling him she was pregnant :'D yep, that wasn't part of the OG plan because I, as usual, underestimated my girl. By the time I got there she was like "I'm going to do it and you can't stop me with your PLOT" and I had to go back to the drawing board for a LOT of rearranging the plot, to figure out how it would work, what to do with it... document is literally called "BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE.doc" simply because I was terrified that change would alter the plotted story way more than I could handle. After my bickering with myself in that doc, it all started making a little more sense :'D

Alright, I think that's that XD

[maiverie]

i've never seen your blog before in my life. but today i got linked to your heeseung roommate fic. lemme tell you something. you've got the most creative use of figurative speech. your syllabic rhythm is to die for. your vocabulary is nothing short of astounding. the way you're able to articulate complex emotions with mere words is a impressive feat tnat most are unable to pull off. i was determined to read it aloud while home alone because i have a very animated vocal cadence and the words felt nice in my mouth. that, and i also tend to describe my emotions through the use of elaborate metaphors and analogies so it felt right at home in my everyday natural speech.

tl;dr: your writing voice sounds nearly identical to the one in my autistic brain that narrates my day-to-day mundane activities. and i think that is very cool.

and also cocky asshole heeseung in a robe is really fucking hot god bless i've been so crazy about him lately ugh

anon……. this entire message is fucking CRAZY?????

firstly BAHAHHA i’m not surprised 😭 i opened my account last year and was active for a few months before disappearing, so all in all i’ve not been in the tags for very long unfortunately 😭 my sincerest thank you to the person who sent my fic to u ^^

CAN I JUST SAY THAT YOUR FEEDBACK IS SO SO SO SO APPRECIATED 😵‍💫💖 it probably doesn’t read like it, but i really did put a mammoth effort into open sesame; i spent a lot of time thinking about writing style and other stylistic choices in order to get the effect that i wanted 😭 actually, it was really really fun cooking up a lot of the metaphors and similes there because most of the time i was thinking to myself, “how can i make yn sound as much of a whackjob as i can?” and then that turned into “okay, how would a fucking crazy person say this?”

the fic is so silly and ridiculous and probably meeting several criteria for a crazy person’s bookshelf but i nevertheless had SOOOO much fun writing it 😭💝💖 it’s really really nice that you were able to see some of the parts of the fic i spent a lot of time on, so thank you so much 😭😭😭

IM REALLY GLAD IT FIT UR VOCAL CADENCE AHHSHSHAA THAT MAKES ME WANT TO MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE AND HAVE A CONVERSATION 😭😭😭

cocky heeseung roommate in a robe is 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 delectable. i love it. still one of my fave things to imagine LFMAAAOOOO