#how does good enough exist when ive been shown time and fucking again that if im not perfect im not good enough and will be discarded

[hey-hermy]

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[onlydreamofmysoul]

Let Them Eat Cake (Part iv)

Tonight, on The Great British Bake Off;

“This is thick as hell.”

Will our bakers melt, or melt down? Only time will tell - it’s chocolate week in the tent!

“I quite like your mouth.”

Remus stared at himself in the mirror. His mouth wasn’t that bad to be fair, but it was nothing next to Sirius’ own. I quite like your mouth, I quite like your mouth, I quite like -

“Remus? You ready?”

Remus shook himself. It was time to put all of this out of his head. “Yeah,” He called to Lily. “I’m coming.”

He left thoughts of Sirius in the hotel.

“This week,” Sirius announced, (looking ridiculously good in those skinny jeans Remus noticed), “Is possibly the best week.”

“Not being in any way subjective now, are you?” James quipped.

“Oi, you can’t say anything, last night you sang me a ballad about this week just last night.”

“Ah yes you’re right, I’ll sing it for everyone, shall I?” James took a deep breath, but before he could get the first note out, Sirius had covered his mouth.

“It’s chocolate week!” Sirius interrupted quickly, succeeding in making everyone laugh as usual. For our lovely first challenge, our judges would like you to make brownies.”

Remus already knew this of course, but he couldn’t help but sneak a little smile to Lily. They were practising all week, Lily even surprised Remus with a batch of gluten free when she had still been experimenting with her flavours. Salted caramel was sacred to Remus now.

Remus heard Sirius and James say the rules in the background, but he had tuned out a little. It was hard to stop his mind from wandering to Sirius when the man in question was standing right in front of him. His hair was in a top knot today. Fuck if Remus didn’t love his hair like that, Throughout the day, it would loosen a little and strands would fall in front of Sirius’ face and Remus would imagine what they would look like wrapped around his fingers-

Remus blinked. Not here. Now it was time to focus. Chocolate week would be his week.

“Ready?”

“Set.”

“Bake!”

Remus grabbed his ingredients and set to work.

Chocolate week was not his week.

Nothing was going quite to plan. He had burned the chocolate after leaving it in the bain marie a little too long - not so much that it required to be redone, but enough that Remus was annoyed at himself. He had misread his scales and added a little too much four and to top it off, he was pretty sure he had over-baked them.

“What are you making for us today?” The judges had asked when they had made their usual rounds at the start of the day. Remus had been calm and confident then. 

“Classic chocolate, just with walnuts added in.”

“Chopped, I assume?” Dumbledore said and Remus forced a smile on his face instead of rolling his eyes. 

“Of course.”

“I look forward to trying them.” McGonagall had said and then they had whisked themselves away, vanishing behind Remus to ask Lily some inane questions.

(Remus really didn’t mind the questions. He actually loved them - he had looked up to both judges all his life. Today was just, not his day).

Sirius turned up at his side, nabbing a spare square of chocolate and popping it into his mouth. Remus certainly didn’t think about chasing it with his lips. Nope, not at all.

“Hey Re.” Sirius greeted, as if the casual nickname didn’t just make Remus’ heart stutter. As if he hadn’t been flirting with Remus in this very spot not a week ago.

Remus hadn’t seen Sirius much since then which was pretty odd. The entire cast and crew mingled together on the non filming days and Sirius and James were infamous for showing up in the practice tent to try the bakers latest experiments. Only James had shown his face this week though. Remus hadn’t missed the way he always seemed to know when Lily was practicing, but that was another thing altogether.

He glanced up from where he was carefully piping chocolate designs on parchment paper to decorate the cakes when they were cool. “Hi.”

Sirius pulled out two mugs, ignoring Remus’ raised eyebrow and clicked the kettle. “Tea?”

“You’re taking over my work bench, are you?”

Sirius took his usual perch up on the counter as the tea brewed. “And what of it?”

Remus looked back down at what he was doing. He didn’t answer for a moment or two as he focused on a particularly intricate design, very aware of the way he stuck out his tongue when he was concentrating. “Haven’t seen much of you this week.”

Sirius hopped down to put milk and sugar in Remus’ mug, looking at Remus like he was a little mad. “I looked for you, but you’re a difficult man to pin down Remus Lupin.”

Remus felt his face flush as his mind flicked to how exactly he’s like to be pinned down by Sirius Black, but he swallowed weakly instead. “I was practicing mostly.”

Sirius nodded. “I know. I was there a few times but you were always absorbed in work for the showstopper so I didn’t want to bother you.”

Remus was relieved when his oven timer went off and he had an excuse to move away from Sirius for a moment. 

“You wouldn’t have bothered me.” He said as soon as he had transferred the contents of his tin onto a wire rack.”

Sirius opened his mouth to respond, but just then a microphone appeared over their heads, a cameraman right behind it.

“Feeling good about today?” Sirius asked pleasantly as if their previous conversation had never even existed. Remus’ smile felt tight. 

“I have absolutely no idea.” He breathed. He wasn’t just talking about the cakes.

Remus pursed his lips when he realised he was being judged last today. It wasn’t so bad, Remus just liked to get it over with as soon as possible. He was only partially satisfied with his brownies, but there was a lot more that could have gone wrong so Remus chose to try to maintain a slightly positive attitude. 

Peter’s brownies were a smash hit, Tonks’ didn’t look the neatest but apparently tasted fantastic. Lily’s blew them away. Remus didn’t hide his grin - he was just glad he had technically been the first to taste her recipe.

“They’re quite cake-like.” McGonagall commented, coming to a stop in front of Remus’ bench. Remus didn’t say anything, just pursed his lips.

“Flavours are good, the walnuts add a nice crunch.” Dumbledore said, munching away. “But one of the main features of brownies is that they’re soft, fudgey, even a little gooey.”

Dumbledore met Remus’ eyes. “These are good cakes, but the key word is they’re cakes, not brownies.”

Remus nodded, his jaw clenching. He closed his eyes in annoyance when they finally turned away. He knew he had over baked them. Fucking Sirius Black.

(Okay so Sirius wasn’t actually the cause of this particular problem but… Remus was a sucker for consistency).

He collapsed in a chair for lunch feeling the tension bleeding out of his muscles.

“Hey Re.” Tonks chuckled and Remus just cracked one eye open to peek at her.

For once, he was the last to the table, even James and Sirius seated before him. He sat up and dug into his pasta, unable to stop himself from actually groaning when he ate it.

“Sorry but, it’s so good. Also I’m really hungry so that helps, but wow I’m going to need this recipe.”

He didn’t miss the way Sirius eyed him the rest of the way through lunch, or the smug little looks coming from Lily either. So maybe Remus had been a little blind to how Sirius had been looking at him before, but this week he was finally wide awake.

He took a moment to pop onto Bake Off Twitter to see what they were saying this week. There were even more gifs of him blushing, Sirius looking at him and one really great picture of the two of them laughing. There were other things too of course, the other contestants' opinions on last week's episode but Remus couldn’t help but notice he was one of the most popular topics.

His mindless scrolling was interrupted by his phone buzzing.

“Ooh, someone’s popular!” James teased and Remus rolled his eyes.

“Hi Ma,” He greeted, looking pointedly at James and sticking out his tongue.

“Hi sweetheart, how’s it going.?”

Remus began to move away so everyone else could continue their conversation but Lily swatted his wrist.

“I wanna say hi to Hope!”

“Yeah Remus! Don’t be rude!” Tonks chimed in and Remus rolled his eyes. 

“Mam, I’m gonna put you on speaker, the lads want to say hi.” He said, pulling the phone away from his ear.

“Hi Hope!” Lily said, everyone else joining in, a clamour of voices drowning out Remus’ laugh.

“Hi loves!” Hope said, Remus knowing she was having the time of her life. These people were like celebrities to her. “How’re you all doing?”

“Much better now that we get to chat to you.” Sirius charmed and Remus could practically see his mother blushing back in their kitchen at home. They all chatted for a little while longer before they had to get back to work.

“Hey mam, we’ve gotta go, but I’ll call you later, yeah?”

“Alright darling, I’ll chat to you soon. Good luck.”

“Bye mam, love you.”

Remus hung up biting his lip. “So that was my mom.”

“Really, you don’t say.” Tonks quipped.

“She’s my new best friend.” Lily sighed wistfully, sinking back into her chair.

“What does that make me?2 Remus asked. “A brick wall?”

Lily quirked an eyebrow. “I thought we were meant to be friends Re, but now I see we were just introduced so that I could get to know your mother. She was my destiny all along.”

“That’s not at all dramatic.” Remus deadpanned and they all started to move, getting up and ready for the next round of filming.

Sirius had been giving him a strange look towards the end of the phone call but when Remus met his eyes, he blinked once and it was gone. Remus wandered back into the tent with Lily and Tonks, debating if Tonks should dye her hair again (Pink: outdated or iconic?) but the only colour Remus could think about was grey.

“For this challenge,” James said as soon as the cameras had recommenced recording, “Our judges have asked you to make a white chocolate and raspberry tart.”

“Everything you need is under the cloth in front of you,” Sirius continued. “Judges, do you have anything you’d like to say?”

“Read the instructions carefully.” McGonagall said, her face blank. Remus blinked.

“Well, they never would have guessed that!” Sirius said cheekily and Remus had to bite down his laugh.

“On your marks,”

“Get set,”

“Bake!”

Remus pulled back the gingham cloth, eyeing the fewer-than-usual set of ingredients. He picked up the sheet with instructions, found it vague as usual but it didn’t seem overly complicated.

“Am I allowed to say white chocolate isn’t real chocolate?” Sirius asked, gliding up to Remus’ bench, cameras in tow.

“I was wondering how long it would be before someone started that debate!” Lily chimed in. “We had a bet going, I won so thanks for that.”

Remus looked at Sirius accusingly. “You couldn't have waited ten more minutes?”

Sirius laughed to himself as he wandered away to talk to everyone and Remus set to work. They wanted a digestive base, so after weighing out the right amount, Remus grabbed a rolling pin and set to work smashing the biscuits.

“You know, you could just use a blender.” Lily called over the thrum of her own machine. Remus made a face at her.

“Yeah, but this is way more cathartic.” He countered.

“Got some tension you need to relieve?” Tonks teased and Remus was suddenly really glad Sirius was on the other side of the tent.

He put his most innocent smile on his face, looked her right in the eyes and flipped her off. Lily and Tonks burst into a laughing fit. Marlene just sighed and looked at Remus a little hopelessly.

“One of these days Remus, I won’t have to edit every shot you’re in.”

Remus just shot her a cheeky wink. “Keep dreaming Marlene.”

Remus scrunched up his nose as he tried to pour the chocolate into the tin. He had placed the raspberries so that they covered the base of the pastry and now all he had to do was add the chocolate and pop it all in the fridge to set. But the chocolate mixture was a lot thicker than he had anticipated. 

“Fuck…” He breathed, drawing out the word as he tried to even it out with a spatula, only succeeding in moving the berries around and messing up the distribution.

“You alright?” Lily asked.

Remus glanced back, shooting her a smile. “Yeah, I’m okay. This is just thick as hell.”

“White chocolate’s a bitch like that.” Lily agreed.

“Seriously?” Marlene exclaimed. “Now you too Lily? I’m firing both of you.”

Remus laughed and handed her a spare piece of chocolate. “Sorry Marlene.”

Marlene rolled her eyes but smiled. “I hate you.”

Remus blew her a kiss. “Love you too!”

He bit his lip and evened out the top of his tart before putting it into the fridge so it had as long as possible to set.

“And now we wait.”

They set their tarts behind their pictures, Peter being ridiculously cautious, looking around himself before he made any movements. Remus appreciated it, but found it hilarious all the same.

 He sat on the stool as the judges came out with a familiarity that was new. He liked it. He had watched the show for as long as it had been on air, watching it gave him the same feeling you might get when curling up under a blanket and a good book when it’s pouring rain outside. He liked being comfortable on the show now too.

The judges came out, Remus’ tart right in the centre of the table. 

“This one looks quite good,” McGonagall said as she cut a slice, “But there doesn’t seem to be as many raspberries as I would have hoped.”

Remus bit his lip. She had snagged a slice from a section all the berries had been disrupted. Fucking white chocolate.

“Everything else however, is lovely.” Dumbledore said and Remus breathed easy, it wasn’t the worst one, not by far. A tart belonging to a woman named Susan hadn’t even set properly. Remus wouldn’t be surprised if she ended up going home tomorrow, she had certainly lost the technical and from what Remus remembered, she hadn’t done too well in the first challenge either.

Kingsley won the technical, smiling at everyone congratulating him. Remus liked Kingsley a lot, the other man was quiet, so he didn’t know him too well but any interaction they’d had was always pleasant.

The camera’s stopped rolling and everyone filed over to the table to grab themselves a slice of the best tarts. Remus noticed Sirius hanging back for once, so he sidled up next to him.

“Not a fan?” He asked. Sirius shook his head.

“Nah, white chocolate is much too sweet for me.”

“Right,” Remus said, tilting his head. “You don’t even take sugar in your tea.”

Sirius bit his lip and took his time replying. “There’s only so many sweet things I can handle,” He said, leaning in closer to Remus, who mirrored his movements on instinct. “And you fill that quota completely.”

Remus stood there frozen as Sirius smiled at him before leaving the tent. Lily came up next to him, a plate in hand.

“Why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

“Oh it’s so much worse than that.”

“What happened?” She asked, concerned. 

“Sirius Black is flirting with me.” He half whispered. “And I’m so completely and utterly fucked.”

Lily smirked and bumped her hip against Remus’. “More like you will be completely and utterly fucked.”

“Lily!”

The noise escaping Lily in response could only be described as a cackle. Remus lay awake half the night replaying Sirius’ words over and over in his head. He was so screwed.

“Welcome back!” James began, “It’s time for our showstopper challenge!”

“This week,” Sirius said, “Our judges want you to create a 3D chocolate structure.”

Remus bit his lip. He had practiced. A lot. But this would still be a challenge.

“Your creation should be entirely edible and entirely chocolate. As usual, you have four and a half hours. Ready?”

“Set.”

“Bake!”

Remus set off, faster than he had for the last few challenges. He could do this, but he needed time. He immediately set out breaking up chocolate to melt, two rectangular silicone moulds ready to go. He poured an equal amount of milk chocolate into each and made sure they were spread evenly before putting them in the fridge.

“Damn Re, that was fast.” Lily commented, still filling her mould.

“That’s not what he said.” Remus retorted with a wink and Lily snorted behind him.

Remus kept melting chocolate, white was next on his agenda. When it was melted, he added a couple of drops of orange essence and mixed it in. He spread it quite thinly over two large trays, wishing it had been this co-operative in the previous challenge, and put them in the fridge too.

“Hey,” Sirius said softly, arriving at his station. Remus broke off a piece of dark chocolate and offered it out to him.

“This is your favourite type I’m guessing?”

Sirius blushed. It was fun to see Remus wasn’t the only one who could do that. 

“Yeah,” He said, his voice low. “Yeah it is, thanks.”

Remus took out a clean bowl and started breaking pieces of dark chocolate into it. “Everything okay?”

Sirius frowned. “Does something have to be wrong for me to be here?”

Remus shook his head quickly. “No! I mean, no. I just meant…” He glanced around the room and saw no microphone close enough to capture their conversation but cameras were panning the room. He kept his eyes on his work and his voice hushed. “Well, you know what I meant.”

“Yeah,” Sirius fiddled with a tea towel he found on Remus’ counter. “Can we talk? Later?”

Remus nodded. “I’d like that.”

Sirius smiled at him and moved away, walking around to the rest of the room. Remus took a shaky breath. He would talk to Sirius later. He straightened his shoulders and set his jaw, he would be calm about this. He could obsess about it later. Right now? He had a big ass chocolate sculpture to make.

“Bakers, you have thirty minutes left!” James announced a while later and Remus shared a mildly panicked look with Lily. He took his many many trays of chocolate out of the fridge and set to work assembling his piece. He measured the white chocolate and cut precise, identical rectangles, biting his lip as he prayed the chocolate wouldn’t snap. It would appear luck was on his side today because it all cut cleanly. He sighed in relief and set up the flat stand it would be displayed on. He filled his piping bag with dark chocolate and unfolded the page of notes he had brought in with him that day and began writing on the white chocolate slabs.

“Bakers! Please step away from your benches!”

Remus fiddled with his hands as he stepped away, looking at his creation. It was… It was fucking perfect is what it was.

Lily presented first, a gorgeous goldfish made of chocolate and sprayed with edible paint. Lily had even carved the scales into the surface, Remus was blown away by the amount of detail in it.

Tonks had made a little castle - two towers and a main building, it was ridiculously charming, Remus wished he could live there. 

Remus walked up with his and stood back so he could look at it too. It was a book - Pride and Prejudice to be exact, standing up and cracked a little open so some pages were on display. Pages on which Remus had written the exact text from the book, the cover based off the hardback edition Remus had at home.

“I must say Mr Lupin,” McGonagall said, “As a big Jane Austen fan, I’m quite charmed by this.”

She broke away a ‘page’ and popped a piece in her mouth. “The orange flavouring is a lovely touch.”

Dumbledore broke off a piece from the back cover and nodded in agreement. “Very good, I’m quite impressed.”

Remus beamed at them and returned to his bench. He was so unbelievably glad they liked it, if they hadn’t well, he might have actually cried.

Sirius caught his eye and smiled at him. Remus smiled back.

They sat in a row once more a little while later, but Remus wasn’t afraid. He hadn’t done as well as he might have liked yesterday, but he still wasn’t bad. And he had done quite well today. He was pretty sure he was safe for today. 

As he suspected, Susan went home. Tonks won star baker and Remus had the rare opportunity of getting to try the other baker’s work since it was all made purely of chocolate.

“Take a walk with me?” Sirius asked after a little while, the euphoria of another week done fading and the remaining contestants beginning to trickle back to the hotel. Remus nodded and sent Lily a quick text and then he followed Sirius out of the tent and away from the cameras and microphones and contestants.

And then it was just the two of them.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Thoughts on rizzy 👀

jdndkdndidndidn ok so if u wanted a rizzy-positive answer...... avert ur eyes

the one thing positive (?) i can say about rizzy is that it really brought us some of the softest raphael moments, but i also lowkey hate that cuz wow, we really got him to talk about his sister, his past, see some of his interests, his softness, his pains, his smiles because of rizzy... so it's all related to rizzy 💀 which is why you might see some gifsets from rizzy scenes in my blog, i think this might have been what brought this on. i enjoy those scenes as scenes that establish raphael's character, but not as rizzy

and shoutout to sh as usual for only bothering with giving a coc depth, backstory, desires and etc when they were someone's love interest and then dropping them like a hot potato. like bro imagine if they had at least bothered with keeping raphael's characterisation consistent? id be over the moon already. if they had actually made him a person like when rizzy was a thing for the whole show on top of that?? fuck i think id explode in happiness

other than that..... i hate everything about it. and like, it being based on addiction aside (which is already, like, bad, but i could maybe ship them in an alternate reality where the addiction wasn't a thing and they were fine if it was only that), the whole thing was literally Izzy Treats Raphael Like Shit And Then Raphael Is Villainized For It

im not even gonna get into the whole "raphael is blamed for the yin fen thing for some fucking reason when that was not his fucking fault and no one questions this" thing because ive done it before and i might explode with rage if i do, lol. that fucking plotline would have never been handled like that if raphael wasn't latino and therefore a predator drug dealer stereotype. but ANYWAY

those are the two things that i see anti rizzy shippers talking about the most, but those are actually not what bothers me the most. what really drives me up the wall and is just vomiting emoji is the way izzy treats raphael. that's the dealbreaker for me and something that never gets acknowledged

like, for starters, raphael was once again shown to be one of the most caring and selfless characters in this piece of shit stupid show, when he saved izzy's life when she was stupid enough to actually go to a vampire den. she had done nothing but be shitty to him and the vampires up to that point, mind you (which some ppl in this fandom treat as like #GirlPower or something) but he still saved her life for no reason other than that was the right thing to do

and then she immediately, the same second, tried to trigger him into drinking her blood. and he kept telling her no and pushing her away and she was literally GRABBING him and slitting her wrist and then he caved, at great personal cost, which she didn't care about

fine

then we get her going after him again, and raphael, again, being the caring and selfless bastard that he is, does something so monumentally kind and dangerous that it still blows me away: he tells her about his addiction

and i know that ppl in this fandom love to act as if every single thing raphael did for the sake of other characters, particularly the shadowhunters and simon, is just, like, expected and no big deal. but raphael didn't owe izzy that. he didn't have to tell izzy that. hell, he didn't even have to save izzy's life when she went to the den, for all he knew it was all a trick or something. and telling her, someone he doesn't even know, a shadowhunter, not only one of his greatest secrets, not only one of his greatest vulnerabilities, but the single hardest and most painful moment of his life, a whole can of worms about his past that he just bared to her just like that, was just. so much. it was such a huge thing that he did for her, okay. and let's not forget that raphael is a private person, both for survival and because he just is

he basically opened up his biggest wound and showed it to her only because it could bring her some sort of comfort. it wouldn't even help her greatly. it wouldn't even change anything about her situation. it would bring just maybe a little bit of comfort and advice, at great personal cost, way greater than the good it would bring her. and he still did it, because raphael cares, especially when he sees someone going through something he went through as well. just so he could tell her that it gets better, that she's not alone. that he understands

and she fucking!! immediately!!!! uses that against him!!!!!! and continues to try to trigger his addiction again and again and again and again!!!! may i just say, WHAT THE FUCK

EVERY SINGLE TIME she tries to get him to drink her blood, it's not consensual, it's forced. he always hesitates, always tries to push her away, always turns his head. and she just pushes him anyway. even after she knows that he's been through this before. that it almost destroyed him. she knows exactly what she's triggering and bringing on, and she! does! it! anyway!!

watching some of the rizzy scenes, particularly the one where they are cooking together, makes me want to cry for him, because it's so obvious that what he's looking for is a deeper connection, someone to trust, to love, and what she's looking for is someone to satisfy her need. and look, i know addiction is terrible. but he's ALSO addicted. and again, i've met plenty of ppl who struggled with addiction, and they were able of, you know, not treating others like this

it drives me crazy! raphael lets her into his home, teaches her how to cook, opens up about the SINGLE SECRET ABOUT HIM THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT EXCEPT FOR MAGNUS, and generally tries to have a good time with her, and not only does she immediately make his attempt at having a meaningful bonding time about him drinking her blood, but does it RIGHT AFTER HE TELLS HER ABOUT HIS SISTER??? it literally goes "here is my deepest most important secret that pains me greatly and is destroying me inside. oh, i said too much. i should have kept my mouth shut" "i'd rather you didn't *slits own wrist and makes him drink her blood*". like, girl, at least a word of comfort first??? a "you can tell me whatever you like"? an "i'm fucking sorry for your loss" maybe???????????? SHE TREATED HIM LIKE AN OBJECT

and also SHOUT THE FUCK OUT to "i didn't take you for a community service kind of guy", which granted is a minor thing to be upset about in the middle of this shitstorm, but still makes me want to rip my hair off. girl!! he's been doing nothing ever since you first met but helping you selflessly and getting only PAIN in return. like is she for real??? he went out of his way SO many times to help her, when he had NO reason to, not a single one. and she's still like "oh wow raphael cares about others?? im shocked" UDBDIDNDKSMSOSNSOSNSISBSUSBDUDBDIDNDIDNDI ARE YOU SERIOUSSSS

it's really such a revealing moment to me because it really shows that she didn't give any thought about everything he'd done for her. all the endless kindness and care, in the literal sense of TAKING CARE OF, that he offered her without a second thought. she never stopped to think about what it cost him. the fact that he didn't OWE IT TO HER, and thus it says something about his CHARACTER, because he CHOSE to help her. over and over and over again!!! AFTER SHE BETRAYED HIM MORE THAN ONCE. it never even crossed her mind! she just took it for granted, like it's what he was supposed to do, or something

and then!!!!!!! even after they go their separate ways!! and raphael is STILL caring for her and making sure she's okay! she decides to betray him one last time and have simon threaten his sister!!! and ill be honest i dont remember the reason for this, but i do remember that it wasn't fucking life and death, so like!!! it was just unnecessarily cruel and shitty of her and the biggest FUCK YOU to him and his trust. AND IT WASN'T NECESSARY AT ALL. like. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

and at this point izzy was recovering so it's just like. i get that before that we were literally seeing izzy at her ugliest, she even fought alec and said some shit that she definitely didn't mean at all and that was shitty and hurtful. so like obviously we were seeing izzy in her darkest, worst, most selfish, most hurt. which is why i can maybe cut her some slack for some shit (also i just realized i literally forgot that she straight up THREATENED HIM WITH A KNIFE god there is really So Much To Unpack Here), but at that point? at that point she had no excuse. she was recovering. this didn't even have anything to do with her addiction anyway. she was just proving that raphael's trust, his care, his fucking feelings, they meant nothing to her

like seriously! she could at least have the decency to go, after raphael was very obviously kind and considerate to me, maybe i should not conspire against him and bring forward his most important secret? i don't think i'm asking her for much here

and it also ends a circle of raphael opening up to her and trusting her and she betraying that trust EVERY SINGLE TIME! the literal single only thing he told her that she didn't use against him was his asexuality. which look, thank god, cuz that would have been way too ugly and uncalled for, but the bar is low here

(ok, maybe rizzy gets a shoutout for having raphael's asexuality be treated so naturally. especially coming from such an overtly sexual character like izzy. it was nice to have that. i also think that her whole line about how for the first time sex wasn't a big part of a relationship for her could have been explored in so many interesting ways. like it is obvious that izzy uses her sexuality as a way to gain confidence and prove her value and it would be cool to see that being addressed beyond throwaway lines, maybe talk a bit about hypersexualization of woc. but this is shadowhunters we're talking about so of course nah)

so like okay izzy gets a Not An Aphobe But Still Shitty badge for basically using raphael like he existed to provide her. and in short this is why i can't get into rizzy, not even in a very very alternate reality where it all went different and the way they met had nothing to do with addiction. because she really didn't care enough about him and he deserves so much better than this

and again, i know that izzy was at her damn lowest in that point, but i think that even if she weren't, ultimately their incompatibility still lies there - raphael is too selfless and izzy is not attuned to that. she would take what he offered and not really spare it a thought, even if she didn't mean to like, Use Him (cuz i dont think izzy meant to use him even in canon), like it was just expected. and he wouldn't point that out. and it would be. ugh

and yeah i think that summarizes my thoughts dudndjdn im sorry for the angry very long rant, i just started talking and it all was pouring out suddenly. i promise im not mad, i just...... have strong feelings about this whole thing

[justalitlecreacher]

I’m here to prove that Andrew Garfield’s portrayal of Spider-man/peter parker in The Amazing Spider-Man is objectively the best love action adaptation of the character. In this essay I will....(yes this is really happening)

Edit: 10/20/20- i want to indulge myself in spiderman content but finding non mcu spiderman content is exhausting so imma update this instead

TL;DR

Andrew Garfield is my favorite of the 3 Spider-Man actors. TAS’s Peter is more fun and dynamic than the cookie cutter “shy introverted nerd that has a crush on a girl who’s way out of his league” Peter in Tobey Maguire’s movies. I enjoy Tom Holland’s portrayal of the character, but hate the way Disney has written the movies.  I enjoy the characters, plot, and humor of The Amazing Spider-Man far more than the other 2, and i deeply wish we had gotten the third movie with the canon BIder-Man of Andrew’s (and my) dreams.

[DISCLAIMER: I HAVE NOT SEEN THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN 2 OR ANY MCU SPIDERMAN MOVIES OUTSIDE OF CLIPS AND REVIEWS ITS ALSO BEEN A VERY HOT MINUTE SINCE IVE SEEN A TOBEY MAGUIRE MOVIE]

Characterization

  Most arguments against Andrew Garfield’s Spidey( AG’s from now on) begin and ends with “he was a good Spider-Man but a bad Peter Parker”. This references an outdated post comparing all three Spidey actors.(Id attach the image here but i dont want the post to be too long(thats a lie this is so long what am i doing with my life)) The post also claims that Tobey played a good Peter and a poor Spidey; and that Tom is good at both “roles”.(Honestly I think it seems silly that this seems obey the “third time’s the charm” rule but thats just me).  Most people using this seem to be Tobey stans who have forgotten or ignored the rest of the post funnily enough, but the ones that go further into the WHY AG is a poor Peter are also incorrect. This argument also ignores the idea that there can be more than one version of Peter Parker which is blatantly incorrect.  Just look at Into the Spiderverse or the PS4 game; these provide 4(5 if you count the pig) versions of Peter themselves, and that doesnt even include the comics. 

 Arguments that go further in depth claim that the AS Peter is too cool or well liked by his peer to be a “true” Peter Parker. The evidence for this seems to be that Peter has a skateboard.(which what? didnt realize that having a skateboard would instantly make you cool brb guys). Adding to that i dont really see where people get the idea that Peter is popular or well liked. While looking for complaints i found this qutoe from reddit(theyve since deleted it looks like but i’ll add a link in the notes) “He's angsty, pretty socially awkward, has an aptitude for science, and is kind of an outsider. He gets bullied by Flash and he gets his ass kicked after trying to stand up to Flash. He isn't a "cool" person in any way (until the ending, in which he's best buds with Flash, so I'll give you that). While Maguire is more accurate to the 60s comics where Peter in high school is just a fucking loser with basically no friends, in the ultimate comics, Peter is more of the kid who has a small amount of friends, but isn't popular.”. Honesty i fully agree with this because once again, other versions of a character are allowed to exist. You can dislike one version, but its silly to dislike something for not being exactly like another thing.

Ive also heard that Peter isnt “nerdy enough” in this movie which really doesnt make any sense considering the entire plot happens because Peter was looking into some of his parents’ research. If he wasn't interested in looking further into his father’s work what reason would he have to go to Oscorp where he’s bitten by the spider? Why would he have become Dr. Conner’s assistant? If he wasn’t intelligent how did he develop the web shooters?(something that Tobey!Peter doesn't have to do out of plot convenience might i add).  

 Another complaint i see is that the quips he uses in the movie(the first one specifically it seems) makes him seem like an asshole. Honestly thats a fair complaint, but i think its a good bit of characterization; espcially if he does get better about it in the second movie like the internet suggests.The Peter in this movie is a rightfully angsty teen; of course he acts a bit of an ass to criminals(also i feel like its important to mention that he’s like that to criminals? its not like hes being a dick for no reason).

  Compare this with the Tobey Maguire(TM) movies. Like i said i haven’t seen these in awhile but as far as i’m aware TM’s Peter doesn't really do anything particularly nerdy in the film? I may have forgotten something( ok in the scene before he gets bitten he knows a cool spider fact) but he doesn’t have to invent the web-shooters because they came with his powers and he’s only at Oscorp in the first place because it’s a school field trip that he appears to be taking photos for. This Peter does fit the definition of outcast(friendless and bullied for it), but honestly i just dont like him. He’s weird and something about the character makes me feel like i should be a little grossed out every time he looks at MJ at the beginning of the movie.  

   I honestly don’t have any complaints for Tom Holland’s(TH’s)Spidey. Tom is a great actor and from what ive seen i enjoy his portrayal of the character.( He made me cry when i character i actively dislike died).  

Story

  I cant really say much for TAS story. It’s interesting but nothing special really. However, there is one scene that i don’t think i’ve seen anything like since( the closest would probably be the train scene in the original trilogy). 

 The crane scene. Early in the film Peter saves a boy from a car that has fallen off of a bridge, and at the end of the movie this becomes relevant again when it is uncertain that Peter will be able to get to the lizard to stop him in time.(as Peter is already injured and pretty far from the lizard’s location). The boy’s father is then revealed to be a construction worker who recognizes that Spider-man is going to need help to get to the lizard; he remembers how Spider-Man saved his son and organizes the rest of the construction workers to build a path out of crane arms for SM to swing from. All of them are putting themselves in danger by not evacuating, but SM’s actions in the first act of the film motivate them to do what’s right. 

  I love this scene primarily because it highlights something that i think is a really important part of Spider-Man’s character; his connection to the people he saves. SM is often shown interacting with and chatting with the people he has saved after the fact. One comic shows Peter accidentally scaring some bullies and then taking the time to ride the bus to school with them to continue their conversation and educate the students on bullying.( There’s definitely more but this is off the top of my head).

  Another scene in TAS that i love is shortly before the crane scene when Peter is originally attempting to make his way across the city to stop the lizard, and he is shot down by the police. They manage to unmask him before Peter comes to his senses( he had just been shot and fallen pretty far out of the sky in his defense). From there Peter is able to deal with the police while keeping any of them from getting a good look at his face. The one cop he cant take out happens to be Gwen Stacey’s father who had previously had an argument with Peter about Spider-Man(Peter obviously on SM’s side and Mr. Stacey against SM). Peter turns and allows Captain(?) Stacey to see his face. I believe that this is an example of an unwilling identity reveal done right. i really enjoyed this moment because Peter had just shown that he likely could have gotten out of this encounter with his identity in tact as he had just taken down however many men. This implies that it was an active choice on Peter’s end to trust that Captain Stacey would ultimately do the right thing and allow Peter to go fight the Lizard, rather than a final desperate attempt to get away unscathed. Whether or not this interpretation of the scene is correct or not it still gives the character a bit more agency than some versions have done with their identity reveals.

  In Spider-Man 2 Peter starts to lose his powers because he’s having internal conflict about wether or not he should be Spider-Man. Honestly thats kinda neat and i might want to give that a rewatch. As for the one i have seen i don’t have any complaints. I do however prefer the way that Peter was bitten in TAS because it was a result of him poking around where he shouldn’t’ve been rather than him just happening to be standing in the right place for a spider to land on him. 

  Onto TH’s movies; the way Disney has treated Spidey in the MCU is why TH’s is my least favorite version of the character. I feel like too much of the story revolves around Iron Man; Iron Man made Peter’s suit and equipment, Iron Man introduces Peter to the MCU(via blackmail but thats another rant for another annoyingly long post), its Iron Man that “makes” Spidey in this universe rather than Spidey being self-made. In Homecoming(which remember i havent seen outside of clips so bear with me) most of the conflict is cause directly or indirectly by Tony’s refusal or inabilty to communicate with the teenager he’s meant to be mentoring

 For one the entire incident with the ferry could have very easily been avoided had Tony bothered to communicate with Peter enough to tell him that the situation was being taken care of. On top of that at the moive’s climax Peter is shown trying to get in contact with Happy(from what ive picked up isnt he a chauffeur? like idk his deal i just know he’s someone Peter got pawned off onto after Civil War). Peter even goes as far as to somehow hack into Happy’s phone(i think thats what happened it was a weird tech thing that shouldve been a red flag that the call was important though) but instead of listening; Peter is ignored. If this was a different kind of movie Peter literally could have died and itd be the fault of Happy and Tony like..... A large portion of conflict comes from characters being incompetent and not communicating and thats just poor storytelling.

Before this turns too much into an anti mcu rant id also like to say that the way they did Civil War was really dumb considering that Peter defects to Cap’s side in the comics, but whatever.

 Also i loathe the way they handled the identity reveal at the end of Far From Home. With MCU movies most people know to expect an end credits scene by now, but typically that scene is not important to understand what’s happening in the films; they just aren’t important. Putting an identity reveal here makes it seem significantly less important than it is. On top of that i dislike their use of J Jonah Jameson for this scene.

  JJJ is a character who has been repeatedly shown to have a genuinely good heart. All of his anger comes from a place of love for his city(he even says this hemself in the ps4 game when May writes in to tell him that he needs help). He hates Spider-Man because SM reminds him of the masked man who killed his wife; JJJ has never been able to get past that( and Peter’s antagonism of him definitely doesnt help) However, JJJ has been shown to care for people; he has a son who he often brags about, and one comic shows that JJJ is paying Peter for “amateur” quality photos because he knows that Peter is having a hard time and “just need some help”. JJJ has even learned Peter’s identity before and kept his secret for him(seriously though i cant remember the name of the comic but its defiantly worth the read), and in the original trilogy when Goblin threatens JJJ he claims that he doesn’t know who sends in the photos of Spidey because he does it via email( this is a lie). The MCU will have a very difficult time convincing me that JJJ would ever out a teenager’s identity and put him in danger like that. It goes too far against his character.(this could be hypocritical of me to say considering how i just insisted that multiple versions of a character can exist but whatever ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) 

This is accidentally turning into an MCU rant but id also like to say that i hate the lack of a TH!Spidey origin movie because it gives you no motivaion for Peter becoming SM or explanation of his powers; most people will know these things but if youre unfamiliar with the character its bound to be confusing(and im a sucker for origin movies)

[alexanderpusheen]

what frustrates me the most abt this china narrative is that the US created al qaeda and ISIS, those groups are recruiting and causing terrorism in xinjiang, china has been trying to handle the situation with re-education programs often suggested by westerners, and its still being treated as this major human rights violation. there are actually dozens of countries with several robust anti radicalization programs that are just as strict, like singapore, colombia, yemen, bangladesh, saudi arabia, and indonesia. this paper ive linked to was even funded by the DHS so like...why has detaining someone and basically reverse brainwashing them out of being a terrorist been so acceptable for so long but now its an issue? 

if you take issue with chinas program, you have to prove its somehow exceptional to these other programs. since we really dont have any way of knowing what is truth or reality thanks to the enormous disinformation campaign going on, you fucking cant. we dont even know what the programs entail because even googling it gets you exclusively hyperbolic concentration camp accusations. 

what i will say is that relations between the han majority and the uyghur minority have been strained since at least the 80s. link is the notoriously conservative and pro US intervention human rights watch, so dont say im using pro commie sources or anything. every time i do any bit of research on this i seem to find an attempt from major news outlets in the early to mid 2000s or late 20-teens to prove this all started or became dramatically worse now, but things have always been tense. and its not really a surprise that things really got bad after the collapse of the soviet union, an event that was geographically close to china and the xinjiang region and also just like, a fucking major global event in general.

what i find to be very odd is just how dramatically the narrative has changed. the diplomat, one of my favorite periodicals, went from taking very nuanced and balanced positions on xinjiang that i almost completely agreed with to being just as aggressive as outlets like the BBC and CNN in the span of five years. they have eleven pages worth of articles on xinjiang, mostly covering the terrorism and beijings response (which i agree is too harsh) and xinjiang muslims’ relationships to the greater muslim world. 

an example is how this article talks about the conflict at the time which warns of escalating violence as a result of han chauvinism and beijing being unable to deal with the extremism holistically. it points out how there were uyghurs captured among taliban ranks in afghanistan and how many might have even been working with ISIL.

The threat will not be an existential one to the Chinese state, as most Uighurs would prefer a peaceful accommodation. But even if only 1 percent of Uighurs hold extreme views, there are 10 million in Xinjiang and even for a state security apparatus as formidable as China’s, 100,000 or more angry people present a tough challenge.

i think its totally right that china does not allow people in that area to have cars, woodcutting tools, and amonium nitrate (which is used in bombs) is very strictly regulated. i completely agree that this is not how you combat terrorism. most people do not want war and broadly punishing these people is itself a human rights violation that went unnoticed until now.

however, in that same year, the diplomat also published this article about the infamous turkestan islamic party. members of TIP are like, literal jihadists lmfao.

TIP fighters call on the world’s Muslims to join the jihad against Western countries in internet videos. Perhaps most worringly for China, the TIP believes that Muslims may fight locally using various means instead of coming to Syria and Iraq to conduct a “holy war” against the “infidel” Western regimes.  

yeah i definitely want to hear more about what these guys have to say. the article is really good because i think it highly illustrates just how dangerous these people are. theyve killed hundreds of people across china and want to establish a fascist religious state in xinjiang. while the article speaks for itself, i believe the last paragraph really highlights why china is being singled out whereas countries like france and canada are considered allies to muslims for whatever reason:

However, as experience has shown, China takes a passive position in the struggle against global Islamic jihad in Syria and Iraq. Beijing has not sent its troops to the Middle East to fight ISIS and has instead confined itself to diplomatic support for Russia and the United States. The Chinese government uses the attacks of Islamic jihadists to persuade Western countries to support Beijing’s position on Xinjiang and turn a blind eye when the freedom and rights of Uyghurs are harshly suppressed by Chinese security forces. Therefore, China is not perceived by the West as a reliable partner in the fight against terrorism. [emphasis mine]

im just a little surprised to see that a lot of these violent attacks from extremists throughout the years have targeted not just han chinese but also other uyghurs. in the west people do not typically sympathize with terrorists as freedom fighters, even on the left, because we know that no matter how angry or how seemingly justified the violence might seem, terrorism is unacceptable and it grossly misrepresents islam. it is a fascist act because those terrorists often follow an extremely right wing version of islam. also, we know that those who carry out terrorist attacks even outside of the west are middle class and professionals in some way, not poor and marginalized people. the level of nuance afforded to terrorists outside of xinjiang is pretty staggering. 

yet in china, there seems to be this excitement than they are killing chinese people, even if some of those chinese are other uyghers or otherwise muslims. those who carry out attacks in xinjiang dont get any nuance or analysis because theyre justified.

ive referenced the diplomat earlier but this article from 2013 says it perfectly: Call Tiananmen Attack What It Was: Terrorism. except terrorism is bad. and the west wants you to support the uyghurs. and make no mistake, they do not want you to support the millions of uyghurs who want to live peacefully, free of any repression, american or chinese. they want you to support the jihadists randomly blowing up chinese and tourists alike because you are meant to sympathize with their plight.

terrorism isnt something to be romantacized or cheered on. it is something someone or someones do when they feel they have no other option. people do not want to kill even those they feel they have every right to because thats a line you cant uncross. murder changes you, justified or not. see the last chapter of wretched of the earth for this.

terrorism is great, however, for destabilizing a region or a country, and xinjiang is resource-rich. establishing a US-friendly regime, no matter how good they are on human rights, is the goal. the US does not care about muslims. they do not care about human rights. china, also, does not really seem to care about muslims or human rights either. but we’ve seen this since vietnam, and the US has learned since vietnam. the vietnamese were sympathetic. they were minding their business. 

after vietnam, merely being communist isnt enough to warrant invasion. theyre killing their own people. nevermind that bolsonaro kills his own people and no one wants to invade (yet--biden has mention sanctions wrt us which is scary but again, thats got everything to do with making sure latin america is loyal to the west, not HR offenses). korea, although it was before vietnam, was less publicized and learning from vietnam gave the US a valuable lesson: always blame the victim. and thus, the US blames the victims of its violence. even if its ‘justified’, even if its ‘true,’ as was the case with saddam hussein, invading and occupying was the nightmare no one but the imperialists anticipated. because they dont broadcast what occupying forces do to the occupied. i am old enough to remember abu ghraib. have it seared in my memory forever. you perhaps are also old enough to remember, but also think millions of abu ghraibs and guantanamo bays are always worth it, always justified. 

i know people arent going to read this and remind me really rudely that they didnt read it but i want to really emphasize how one of imperialism and colonialisms features is ethnic and racial separatism. how the rwandan genocide couldnt have happened without previous belgian and french rule. how yugoslavia wouldve remained a single country had it not been for NATO. i think its easy to diminish the role of the colonizer in all of this, but it is actually one of its goals: divide and conquer. exacerbate the existing conflicts to the point of genocide. 

and if the west succeeds in balkanizing china, you will get more racism rather than less. you will see more violence against muslim minorities rather than less. they will feel less empowered rather than more. china has to learn that they are also to blame in a way that will be catastrophic for over a billion people. han chauvinism and outright racism must be addressed beyond window dressing.

wrapping up, china is in the wrong here. what theyre doing is racist and humiliating a population that has to be empowered. and the one child rule, even for the han majority, is imo fucking evil lol like sorry tankie tumblr im tankie too but i cannot for the life of me accept that as a good thing.... but i also dont buy the accusations of genocide, because even tho a lot of these articles are kind of glossing over it, china is trying to handle the terrorism in the region. imo theyre feeding into it by getting more han in the area, but also having more han but forcing them to take worse jobs would be a show of good will. idk, this situation is extremely complex and frankly, most uyghers do not want secession. 

i also take extreme issue with people saying that adrian zenz is somehow reliable. not only is he a nazi crackpot, hes also literally the only source for almost all of what we know about this in the west. that is not how you do journalism. i dont understand how people are saying ‘yeah hes an extremely fascist grifter but also i believe him because hes anti communist and also anti china’. thats also not really the point? the point is that hes also the ONLY SOURCE on almost all of this, which is alarming. 

i also find it very startling that in order to keep interest in the story, every few weeks the US has to remind people that the chinese are also doing what the US is doing to women in its own camps. forget that the US is separating minors from parents (since 2008). forget that the US is sterilizing women en masse (since 2017). forget that the US is raping women at the border (since there was a border). forget the US even has camps because now they arent even called that anymore. this is not that ‘you can be angry at two things at once’ but a clearly cynical attempt to get its citizens to forget that the US is detaining, deporting, sterilizing, and raping, and gassing non US nationals. 

they are not ‘your own people.’ they are me. the other. i am an immigrant to the US, currently in my country of birth, so i am the other to you, the american. the chinese are doing the evil crime of killing their own. but the americans could never kill their own because they dont consider black americans to be their own. latin american nationals are not their own. bombing millions globally is not their own. thats always justifiable. there is clearly an element of racism in how these crimes are perceived as more or less evil.

the way immigrants and black americans are brutalized in the US is almost naturalized. like its the way things are supposed to be. you can live with that. its upsetting that you have to hear about antiblackness and the like but you know thats just how life is. you dont necessarily call for the US to be sanctioned or bombed by other countries because you believe in the inherent goodness of white america. but countries like china and iran and north korea deserve to be starved and killed for their crimes. and you can never say ‘maybe bombing and starving a country isnt the answer’ because it means you agree with it. you can never say ‘this is clearly propaganda to make me hate another race so much’ because it means youre a genocide denier. im sorry, but again, i remember iraq in 2003, i remember libya in 2011. i dont buy it.

finally, theres been a lot of attacks on asian people in the US lately and if you cannot see the violent way the US talks about china the country and how that influences people to harm asians within the US then idk what else to tell you. people will really believe this shit and say the chinese are all blood thirsty islamaphobes and thus need to be harmed. ‘im not like that! i defend my asian friends from racism!’ thats nice and all but idk how spreading some sinophobic propaganda designed by the US to make you support some kind of violence against one billion chinese people isnt inherently racist. also its unhelpful because sanctions dont really solve problems. but ive spoken too much.

[potahun]

DMBJ Reboot Watch and Brainstorming

Brainstorming here cuz I pretty much lost the main plot watching eps 21-22 and I want to remember some of the pieces that are making me ponder (spoilers up to eps.21-22 ahead): 

In the notebook of the guy called Du Ming Qiu (the past Cang Guan from the Children’s Warehouse), Wu Xie found a picture of the plane that crashed, and it was mentioned that the spirit jar was on the picture too. That plane crashed somewhere on the south-western border 30 years ago. The crash revealed the location of an ancient tomb.

We’ve got 2 things here: Plane, and Spirit jar. We also have a 3rd thing, which is the history of Warehouse 11 itself, so I’m going to think about it one by one.

Plane: In the first ep, we were shown that Wu Xie and his Third Uncle went to the location of the crash and that there was a transnational archaeological team put together to investigate the tomb at the time. In the tomb, shit happens, and the Third Uncle disappears (that’s how the ep makes it seem). Wu Xie gets out alive. We’re not told who saved him or took him home, but everything was on fire. For what it’s worth, we’re actually not told if there’s any connection between that tomb and Thunder City.

The Plane gets stored in Warehouse 11. We’re not told who did that.

Also, sometime, we’re not told when, Third Uncle went to the mute village and followed the path of the Underground river to search for Thunder City. We were told that he went with the son of the guardian of the village, and that her son (and presumably Third Uncle too) disappeared then. 

As far as I know, unless those two things (Thunder City and tomb on the south-western border) are in the same location (or are the same thing), that means Third Uncle disappeared fucking twice. How does that work? I have no fucking clue. 

So the only theory I can think of now is that, despite the way it was presented in ep1, Third Uncle didn’t disappear in the tomb on the south-western border. Wu Xie remembers that tomb and remembers the fucking airplane, but he never links those two with Third Uncle’s disappearance. He probably would have searched that way if Third Uncle disappeared then. So my current guess is that Third Uncle actually came out of that tomb, took Wu Xie home. Subsequently, as he was involved in the ‘listening to thunder’ business, he went to the village with the Underground river, where he actually disappeared. 

Where does that lead? I have no fucking clue. 

Spirit jar: We are told that the Spirit jar was on the picture with the plane, and we presume that it was first found post-crash. So this jar came out from the tomb on the south-western border 30 years ago. 

The Spirit jar gets put in Warehouse 11. We are again not told who did that.

We are told by Du Ming Qiu that the Spirit jar was initially stored in the Children’s Warehouse (incidentally the nth reason why Warehouse 11 is fucked up and I have no faith in it). How did the jar get in, when the access to the Children’s Warehouse is only big enough for a child to get in and out? We are not told. We are told that the reason the jar was kept in is linked to how it could keep the humidity of the Children’s Warehouse at bay. 

Subsequently, at an unknown point in time  but when Du Ming Qiu was already an adult, the Spirit Jar has been moved out of the Children’s Warehouse. Since then, murders happen and 6 past Cang Guan from the Children’s Warehouse got killed. 

Why was the jar moved out? We are not told. 

Also, the Children’s Warehouse was closed down a number of years ago but we are not told how many years ago or why. We are just told that the records of the children who used to work there have been destroyed in a fire a “number of years” ago. We are not even told whether the murders started happening before the closure of the Children’s Warehouse i.e. while it was still working. 

When it was still working, the Cang Guan of the Children’s Warehouse would switch every 4 years. The plane crashed 30 years ago. 6 x 4 yrs, that’s already 24 years, so this means that pretty much all of the Cang Guan who had known the Spirit jar as something belonging to the Children’s Warehouse, got killed (except, perhaps, the last “child” Wu Xie is looking for). 

So the only theory I can think of right now, but this is almost pure speculation, is that the reason why all the Cang Guan who saw the Spirit jar in the Children’s Warehouse got killed, was because (i) the very reason why the Spirit jar was moved out was directly related to why the Children’s Warehouse had to close; and (ii) to prevent them from inquiring into why it’s been moved out. 30 years means a rotation between a maximum of 7-8 child Cang Guan, and we know six have been killed. Presumably, the missing “child” was the acting Cang Guan when they moved the jar out and closed the Children’s warehouse. Presumably, also, this final acting child Cang Guan has been intermittently watching, from inside the jar, the moves of all previous child Cang Guan, once the jar was moved out. 

Incidentally, how was the jar moved out? A few possibilities: (i) the access of the Children’s Warehouse is too small for an adult but could be big enough for the jar (doesn’t seem like it from what we see but wouldn’t argue too much with the logic). That would explain how they stored it in there to start with; OR (ii) they smashed the jar and pieced it together again, both when they stored it in and when they took it out (why tho). That would explain why there were traces of it being smashed before and such; OR (iii) there is another access to the Children’s Warehouse and no one bothered to explain where it is or why adults can’t use it; OR (iv) the one outside is just a replica. That’d be weird tho.

Did the last acting child Cang Guan kill the other 6, or did this “child” only watch out and notify the murderer about their moves (e.g. notify the murderer that xxx is getting too close to the jar)? No fucking clue. Where does that lead and how does that connect to the main plot? Also no fucking clue.

History of Warehouse 11: We are told by Bai Haotian that, according to “legend”, Warehouse 11 is only 100 years old. 100 years ago, it was established by an unnamed merchant, who initially used it just to store some peculiar goods. Then, at one point, all the precious antiques in Warehouse 11 as it was before, were hidden in a river (unnamed) that ran for 20-30 miles. 6-7 years later, someone else rebuilt Warehouse 11, and spent 5 years getting the goods back up from the river. She says that, despite this, many areas of the Warehouse, as it was before, were abandoned and no one really knows what’s in there anymore. She also mentions that currently, Warehouse 11 is only at approx. 30% capacity. 

Well, no matter what is stored in the abandoned zones, based on the “legend”, that means those goods could only have been stored 100 years ago. Max. We are not really told how old exactly the legend of the Nan Hai Wang/King of the South Sea is (I think?) but in ep. 3, Tang Tang mentioned that back in the Han Dinasty, this country of the Nan Hai Wang (Nan Hai Luo Yun Guo) already existed. Han Dinasty, that’s like 202 BC–220 AD according to Wikipedia. That is dead ass old. So if there is anything related to Thunder City in Warehouse 11, that���s a REALLY big piece of the plot that hasn’t been remotely explained yet.

Questions:

What is the link between the tomb on the south-western border and Thunder City? Location-wise, we know both of them are located south-west. On one side, the Underground river is meant to lead to Thunder City and the entry point is the mute village somewhere in south-east asia (I think they never specified the country, but still that’s south-west of China). On the other, the plane is also said to have crashed on the south-western border. It could be that these two locations aren’t too far from each other, but if so, we haven’t been told that yet. 

What is the link between Warehouse 11 and Thunder City? Warehouse 11 is only 100 years old, man. Given the facts we currently have, if anything stored there is related to Thunder City or the country of Nan Hai Wang, it was most likely stored after the plane crash 30 years ago. At this point in time, we probably can’t even rule out the possibility that Third Uncle is the one, or part of the ones, who asked to have them stored there. 

We are also told that at some point in time, presumably after the plane crash, Third Uncle went to Warehouse 11. At that point, he was already talking about there being thunder in the warehouse, so we can presume he was already involved in the “listening to thunder” business. This could be before he disappeared in Wu Xie’s eyes, or after. No one knows. If he is the one to have asked for Thunder-related goods to be stored there, it would be a plausible reason why they would allow him to be in Warehouse 11 (he’s there to check his own goods). The only other possible reason he’s there is that, as we’ve been shown in eps. 17-18, the staff of Warehouse 11 are inconsistently highly competent or incompetent bastards, so I wouldn't put it beyond them to have let a whole ass Third Uncle infiltrate either (God I hate this warehouse). Either way, Third Uncle’s been there. The only theory I can think of now is that he was checking on certain goods that have been stored in there, following the plane crash, and were related to Thunder City and Nan Hai Wang.

What is the link between the Spirit jar and Thunder City? Fuck knows at this point. It could be that the mystery surrounding it is just some kind of by-product, caused by certain things happening in the Children’s Warehouse. All we know at this point is that there is a reason for the Spirit jar to have been moved out of the Children’s Warehouse, and that they had to close down the Children’s Warehouse. That's a huge lot of possibilities. We don’t even know how long it’s been since Third Uncle disappeared so for all we know, something he did could be the reason why the Children’s Warehouse had to be closed. I have no fucking clue. Anything to do with the Spirit jar is, to me, a big fucking question mark at this point. 

So one narrative based on 70% speculation and which stands ready to be corrected at any point, is this: 

Third Uncle, following the excursion with archaeological group 044, came out of the Nan Hai Wang Palace (in China) and discovered a beginning of something with Mu Xue Hai and Yang Da Guang. At that point, this we’ve been told, a “mysterious” group of people had helped to get Mu Xue Hai and Yang Da Guang out and became interested in Thunder City. Thus, Mu Xue Hai, Yang Da Guang and Third Uncle were involved more deeply in this business, probably against their will. 

The plane crashes. As someone who was already involved in this Thunder business, Third Uncle is part of the archaeological team that investigates and sees if this old tomb could be related to Thunder City. He barely makes it out unscathed because there is a shit ton of weird stuff in the tomb on the south-western border. But he does make it out and takes Wu Xie home. He and/or mysterious people ask for all the stuff they find from the tomb to be stored in Warehouse 11.

This said, Third Uncle is still involved in finding Thunder City. Possibly at this point, as part of the investigations, while Yang Da Guang is struggling to listen to thunder everywhere, Third Uncle goes to Warehouse 11 and finds clues there, probably based on what’s been stored there after the crash. Possibly at this point in time, stuff happened and the Children’s Warehouse had to shut down.

God knows how, perhaps in Warehouse 11, they find a new track to the village in south-east Asia and the Underground river. Perhaps, and this is a stretch, the track he finds wasn’t even stored there after the plane crash, but was just one of the things that were fished out when the “new” Warehouse 11 was built. Anyways, Third Uncle goes to the Underground river. As far as people are aware, he’s gone for good after that.

At some point in all these shenanigans, Third Uncle met Jiao Lao Ban and almost got him killed. (????????) Jiao Lao Ban is potentially part of the mysterious group of people who were involved in finding Thunder City with Third Uncle.

Mysterious people, having lost ways to control Third Uncle’s actions, try to get Wu Xie to finish the job. Hence the messaging and getting him into Warehouse 11 etc.

I am lost and stand ready to be corrected at any point regarding this word vomit. It’s just that this Warehouse 11 stuff is so damn convoluted and I have no idea how the hell it’s supposed to connect to the main plot otherwise. 

Also, in all this thing, we have no idea what Er Shu is hiding from the others. Great.

[gay-yosuke]

alright its time for me to post about sonic now. nobody asked for this.

personally. i think that the decline of sonic games is. well. nonlinear of course but its a combination of a lot of things that have been present for a while. i started thinking about this because i had knight of the wind stuck in my head while i showered and i thought “yknow i dont think the storybook games were that bad” and it evolved from there. readmore’d cuz its a longass post

first off. one of the things that was present in the games people consider “bad” is eggman NOT being the primary antagonist. i mean. fundamentally this makes sense. eggman has always been the primary antagonist in the games since the beginning, so suddenly introducing these throwaway villains is kind of a shot in the foot. what comes to mind is sonic lost world and the zeti because its like. sega wants us so badly to care about zavok and the rest of them but its just kind of difficult when theyre from yknow. sonic lost world and, fundamentally, throwaway villains. now i thought about this because. sonic lost world ISNT objectively a bad game i dont think. it has bad parts and i think those bad parts are mostly linked to the zeti being the primary antagonists. now this isnt saying that any game with eggman as the primary antagonist is good (ill get to forces later) but it plays a part.

now i couldnt entirely tell you when “eggman ISNT the primary antagonist” first turned up. i would assume sonic adventure because of chaos? which funnily enough links into my next point. the introduction of a secondary antagonist who either a) becomes a primary antagonist in the same game or a later game they’re part of or b) is meant to be some kind of counter to sonic. you could say it started in sonic 3. since knuckles acts as a secondary antagonist for most of the game. funnily enough though hes actually one of the only that stops being an antagonist in the same damn game. hes like “wait a second ive been fucking tricked” and turns to sonic’s side after seeing eggman doing his bastardly actions. so i’d say it actually started in sonic cd with metal sonic. he’s a reoccurring antagonist (the good kind) and was made with the sole purpose of Beating Sonic. in sonic heroes he becomes a primary antagonist in the true ending and whatever. in sonic adventure there’s chaos who becomes the primary antagonist in the true ending as well. now again. none of these games are BAD because of this aspect. sonic 3 is good, as is cd, heroes, and i think sonic adventure has its moments. but again this is just another piece to the puzzle.

the next thing i think thats sort of added to the decline is the fact that. well. corporations. yknow how it is with game design. as a game design student i know that theres fucked up shit going on in a lot of places and sega wanted to make sonic like mario. nintendo knows they have brand loyalty, just like disney does. nintendo slaps mario or pikachu onto something and it’ll sell and they KNOW that. sonic, less so, because hes yknow. got Controversy. sparks arguments about good and bad games. im particularly thinking about sonic boom here because that game had such potential that was stripped away not only by corporate greed (it being forced to be published onto the wii u, which, ill be real with you, i forgot existed) and hardware limitations, but by a lack of commuication within the actual company about WHERE the game was being published to. also dont get me started on how sega shafted the storyline. thats for another day.

overarching plot in sonic games is kind of fun in my opinion. i like a story i can get invested in. one that makes sense and like. you know. adds to the game. and this is the part where i talk about sonic forces.

sonic forces is kind of the culmination of a lot of these things. its a pander to the audience who loves classic sonic (as in, putting classic there for no reason as a nudge towards sonic generations), it features a secondary antagonist who attempts to become a primary antagonist (infinite needs work) and like. objectively id say that the phantom ruby is a bigger antagonist than eggman is. all the things that he does is down to the phantom ruby, and i dont entirely know how the phantom ruby even like. started existing. but we’ll just skip over that for now.

so eggman has infinite who he powers up with the phantom ruby and he becomes the metal sonic-esque character of the game. he’s meant to be sonic’s direct counter which is shown with infinite beating sonic at the start. but infinite just kind of. exists. as a throwaway villain. and the thing with throwaway villains is that infinite creates clones of some other villains (zavok, shadow (????) chaos and metal sonic) and that kinda confused me like. okay so you create fake versions of all these villains who turned against you for various reasons and also metal sonic??? who you could just create again??? but im going on a tangent.

the one thing i listed that forces didnt really feature was eggman not being the primary antagonist. i liked that he was the primary antagonist in forces. i just wish the story was better. and now i get to talk about story problems in sonic games. and as a writer, youre not getting spared.

ive talked abt sonic forces and story. i havent talked about other games and their story. sonic 06′s story was weak because it was trying too hard. the storybook games were good because the story was THERE. sonic gets put into this position of being a character from myths and characters we already know are filling the other positions. it was fun. sonic lost world, i dont really know cuz i never played it but from what i understood, eggman took the zeti’s planet and controlled them with a magic conch, and then the conch gets broken and the zeti fight back?? i dont know why the zeti hate sonic or why they roboticized tails but whatever.

fundamentally. sonic games are go fast. stop eggman. platform. of course eggman can be substituted for other antagonists like in adventure’s case where it becomes stop chaos. everything else in it is adding to the story (or in a lot of cases where its trying too hard, it detracts from everything) and like. adding different things is kind of fun sometimes. people didnt like the clunky controls of the werehog but i thought it was fun having the differences between daytime and nighttime levels. i think werehog had potential.

its less related but i also kinda wish they did what they did in sonic x and had sonic exist in a world with a lot of anthro animal characters instead of humans. i think forces did that okay. a lot of games have human characters like 06 and adventure, and it kind of blurs things. it doesnt make it a bad game if theres human characters but its still kind of. weird.

but anyway this wasnt clear or concise at all i just had some thoughts. i thought some of the marketing for sonic forces was funny like the welcome to the eggman empire video so you dont have to take anything from me.

[lazyfox411]

Qrow Angst

This is the first ever fic I’ve written for RWBY! and the first one ive published in a hot minute  thanks to @r3al-illusion and @spiderling-the-meme for being my awesome beta readers! love you guys <3 this is compliant with and set immediately after the volume 5 finale (so...spoilers if you havent seen that?) pretty please yall tell me what you think of this!! this will be my first work in this fandom and i want to know if you guys would like to see more!

His hands were shaking. He needed a drink.

After a minute of inspection, he handed the relic back to Yang. She didn't much look like she wanted to hold it, but neither did Qrow; he'd already made up his mind on carrying Ozpin--err, Oscar--back to the house, and his shaky hands were threatening to drop the lantern if he didn't hand it off. He was a trained huntsman, but he'd taken some heavy hits, and his aura could only protect him so much. The adrenaline was starting to wear off, and replacing it was a plethora of aches and pains. The worst, though, was the hollow, empty feeling in his chest. Growing, and festering, threatening to swallow him whole. He slipped his flask from his pocket and took a swig, but it didn't help like it usually did.

Pro huntsmen don't just disappear like that.

They don't, Qrow thought bitterly, unless they get mixed up in the business of a bad luck charm.

It was too late now. They were all gone. Maybe if he had warned them, if he wasn't such a fuck-up, if he would just get his head out of the goddamn gutter then maybe he could have prevented this, maybe they could have taken out Salem long ago, or at least maybe he would have known better than to just let Lionheart keep scheming.

But he hadn't done any of that. And all of those innocent people had paid the price. Maybe to some they didn't seem innocent, and sure, not all were respectable, some were lowlifes that scrounged around bars and taverns, but none of them had deserved to die for a cause they didn't even know existed.

He scooped up Oscar. The poor kid was still passed out on the floor, looking very small and very exhausted. It was hard to believe Beacon's former headmaster was stowed away inside. 

Qrow looked around for the rest of his kids, subconsciously wondering when he'd ever started to consider them "his" kids. The Schnee girl was handling the bombardment of questions from gathering police and reporters, telling them only what they needed to know and remaining composed and cordial.

Just like her sister, Qrow reflected, and very much unlike himself. Hell, he was ready to just yell at all these nosy people to just go home and mind their own damn business. He didn’t have the energy for this.

The dark-haired girl who had just shown up, Qrow recognized her as one of Ruby's teammates he'd been told so much about, though he couldn't for the life of him remember her name with the pounding in his head getting worse and exhaustion sweeping in. She had turned to address the massive group of Faunus she'd brought with her, thanking them for coming and bringing down Adam Taurus, and even though he'd escaped they'd done a number on him and blah blah blah. Qrow lost interest.

Yang had retrieved her arm, now, and was helping Ruby to her feet. The blond kid and what was left of his team were gushing over his newfound semblance, and Qrow...Qrow was tired.

He was silent on the walk home. Ruby and her teammates blabbered the whole way, filling each other in on their adventures. The dark haired girl introduced herself as Blake, and the other Faunus boy she'd brought with her was Sun.

"Pleasure to meet you," Qrow managed in a low, gravelly voice, "Ruby's told me a lot about you."

He tuned everything out after that. Or rather, the fuzzy, ringing sound in his head took over, and he didn't try to stop it.

They'd arranged a nest of blankets and pillows on the floor for Oscar when he'd showed up, but this time Qrow brought the boy to the room he shared with Ruby, and laid him in his own bed where he could rest more comfortably.

Qrow was pretty sure every bone in his body cracked as he straightened up, and a stitch in his side had him lowering himself back down to sit on the edge of the bed. He pulled out his scroll, and uncapped his flask, and went over the list of names one last time. All brave, strong warriors. All gone. All because of him.

A part of him knew that not all of this had to be his fault, and Lionheart's betrayal was really to blame, but right now that part was swallowed in grief and loathing.

He tossed his scroll aside and set his head in his hand. "What do I do, Oz?"

The only reply was Oscar's soft breathing.

Qrow hauled himself to his feet, grunting with the effort, and hobbled his way back into the living room. God, he'd never felt this old before.

The rest of the kids were sat in a ring around the relic, curled up on couches and cross-legged on the floor. They all stared at him when he walked in.

"You should all get some rest," Qrow told them, noting the way their eyes drooped and shoulders sagged. One by one, they filed out of the room, mumbling quietly about sleeping arrangements now that there were more of them in the group.

He and Ruby were the last in the room. She smiled up at him tiredly and stretched out her arms towards him.

"Nope," he denied her grabby hands, though they both knew he'd already caved. He groaned as he gave in and scooped her up in his arms. Qrow was exhausted, but there was no way he could say no to his little niece.

He carried her to bed and tucked her in, pulling the covers up to her chin.

"You gonna be alright, kiddo? Is there anything else you need?" He asked softly, or as softly as he could.

Ruby looked up at him with wide silver eyes. "Some water might be nice. Please," she added, and, "I love you, Uncle Qrow."

He gave her a wry smile, "Get some sleep, kiddo." He paused as he left the room. "Love you too."

She was asleep when he got back. He set her glass of water on the bedside table and pressed a tender kiss to her forehead. He left a second glass for Oscar, and gathered up the tray he'd prepared for the rest of the kids.

He went to Yang and Weiss' room first. Blake was with them, and they each gratefully accepted a glass of water. Yang gave him a quick side hug. He didn’t miss the haunted look that hadn't left her eyes since the loss of her arm.

"You did good today, Firecracker," he told her, "take it easy."

"You too," she nudged him gently with her elbow, "old man."

Qrow chuckled. That certainly didn't help make him feel any younger.

Jaune accepted the tray and what was left of the glasses with a nod and thank you, and disappeared into his room where the rest of the team was holed up. Qrow all but collapsed on the couch after that, basking in the silence. It was only a few minutes before his hands started shaking again.

How much did Shiro owe you?

Qrow took another drink.

His name is clear.

He sat, and he drank, and he tried not to think.

There was light shining through the windows when he finally pulled himself out of his thoughts. He didn’t dare look at the clock, didn't want to know how many hours he'd spent just sitting and thinking. He'd emptied the flask.

"Uncle Qrow?" The voice was Yang's.

It took him a moment to remember how to move. Slowly, he turned his head. Yang, Weiss and Blake were standing in the threshold, all looking concerned.

What are they looking at, Qrow thought, brain going numb again, there's nothing to see.

"Uncle Qrow, are you alright?"

"Peachy," he muttered.

"Are you hungry?" Yang asked tentatively. "We were going to make some pancakes."

The thought of eating made him want to vomit. "No."

"Maybe you could help us make them," Weiss offered, and bent down to speak to him as if he were a child, "to take your mind off things."

A part of him knew they were just trying to be nice, trying to help, but that was the same part that knew all those deaths weren't all his fault. Something inside Qrow snapped.

"I said no!" he roared, pushing himself off the couch and making his way to the door.

Listen buddy, I'm having a rough week. Can you tell me where she is or not?

"Uncle Qrow?"

Daddy?

"Where are you going?"

Does this man know where mommy is?

"Out," Qrow snapped, I'm terribly sorry to bother you.

He slammed the door with enough force to knock a few shingles loose. Just his luck.

He slapped some lien down on the counter.

"What do you want?" the bartender asked.

"Whatever you've got," Qrow said hoarsely, shifting in his seat. His back was just about killing him.

Pity filled the old barkeep's eyes, mixed with a sad understanding. Qrow pretended not to notice. He downed the first drink, and the second. Stopped counting after that. Kept going until he couldn't feel himself shaking anymore.

The bar wasn't empty, not quite, there was somebody passed out in a corner, and a group of people engaged in a poker game around a worn table.

A woman stood up from the poker table to get her group another round of drinks. She bumped into Qrow at the counter.

"Sorry," she said.

"Hmph," Qrow mumbled.

Five minutes later, she lost the game.

"Guess your luck ran dry tonight," one of her friends said. Qrow started to laugh, quietly at first, ending in a series of loud, hacking coughs. Heads turned. They all looked at him like he was a lunatic. Hell, maybe he was.

He stood up from his seat, clutching onto the edge of the counter.

"Did I--hurp--pay you 'nuff?" he slurred at the bartender.

The old man didn't answer. Instead, he asked, "Do you have a family?"

Qrow scoffed, thinking of Raven. Then he thought about Ruby, and Yang, and the other kids.

"Kinda," he replied, blinking the blurry spots out of his vision.

"Go home," the bartender said, not unkindly.

The cold air hit him like a brick wall when he stepped outside, suffocating, imposing, encasing. The force knocked him to weak knees, and he vomited a stream of bile onto the ground. He couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten anything. Maybe he should have taken the girls up on their pancake offer.

God, he'd really yelled at them, hadn't he? What was Ozpin going to say to him? What was Ruby, sweet and innocent Ruby, going to think of her beloved uncle now? All those kids looked to him like he was the adult, the grownup, but they were more grown than he'd ever be. They'd all lost people, people they were close to, and they were still fighting. And where was Qrow? On the ground, drunk and alone, in the middle of the night. When had it even gotten dark?

"I'm sorry," he said, to no one in particular.

Overhead, a flash of lightning lit the sky, beckoning a clap of thunder, and all at once, the heavens rained down, drenching the city of Mistral in heavy rain.

"Seems about right," Qrow muttered, hauling himself to his feet. It wasn't long before he began shivering. He pulled his tattered cape tighter around his shoulders and headed back to his kids.

He fumbled with his key in front of the house, clothes soaked through and dripping wet. Inside, he leaned against the door as shivers racked his frame and water pooled beneath him in a puddle. He closed his eyes and and waited for it all to subside.

"Uncle Qrow?"

"Ruby," he sighed, looking to where she was perched alone on the edge of the couch, "what are you doing up?"

"Waiting for you," she said simply. "Where have you been? We've missed you."

They both knew she already knew the answer.

"I missed you," Ruby continued. "I was worried."

Qrow opened his mouth, but then closed it. He didn’t know what to say. Ruby was worried. He'd worried her. She cared about him. Maybe he should feel grateful about that, but all he could feel right now was ashamed.

"Come sit down," Ruby patted the couch next to her, "you look tired."

That was probably true. He hadn't slept in a while. Qrow shuffled over and slouched into the soft fabric.

Ruby tugged a blanket over his shoulders, sticking her tongue out as she concentrated on adjusting it just right. Qrow just sat there and let her.

"There," she said, curling up next to him, warmth pressed against his side. She didn't say anything for a few minutes, which was unusual for her, and then came a soft, "I'm sorry Uncle Qrow."

What was left of Qrow's cold, bitter heart shattered.

"No, kid, no, it's not--this is my fault, this is all on me. I'm the one who's sorry. Don't be sorry, don't blame yourself for, for this," he gestured vaguely at himself, his current state, "for me. I'm just..."

"It's ok," Ruby said, and Qrow was inclined to believe her, because she was so honest and pure and good. "I know it's hard, Uncle Qrow, I understand."

Having this conversation was a hell of a lot harder than anything he'd imagined.

"I'm sorry," he repeated. "You kids deserve better than this, you deserve better than this, kiddo. I'm...I'll do better, I can do better."

Ruby smiled, and hugged him tighter. "I love you, Uncle Qrow."

Qrow let his eyes slip shut, and rested his chin on her head. "I love you too," he whispered.

[pigletsbigmovie]

endgame spoilers i watched it a couple weeks ago here are my complaints lol

nebula and gamora...... were done so dirty lmao....... i am not surprised, i knew this was gonna happen but still.

i mean i really liked nebula in endgame! i love seeing how far she’s come since gotg! she played a larger role in this film than i was expecting and that was nice!

i just disliked the fact that she ends up killing her past self?? it’s such an example of the problem with these big ensemble films... other characters’ arcs take precedence over other characters and so like while killing her past self makes sense for the overall narrative... it doesnt make sense for nebula’s character arc....

or like how since this the last film in which we’ll be seeing all original avengers together, of course it’s them that are prioritized over other characters which means Of Course it’s tony that ultimately defeats thanos even tho really it makes more sense for thanos to be defeated by nebula and gamora and that would’ve been a rly big development in their arcs but guess not! i guess! no can do!

they tried to make the tony vs thanos conflict this Big Dramatic Thing but in reality it is sooooo impersonal....... which makes the conflict and the resolution of that conflict just not very interesting to me...

like imagine if the gotg films were it’s own franchise. no other marvel movies exist, it’s not connected to anything else, it is it’s own thing. then that would mean the gotg franchise has thanos for itself and those films would be leading up to the defeat of thanos which can be fulfilled by nebula and gamora because theyre protagonists of these films. imagine how satisfying that wouldve been!! like gotg has always focused on themes of family! that franchise ending with nebula and gamora defeating their abusive adoptive father with the help of their new found family wouldve been so emotionally impactful and satisfying!

but nnnoooo instead we get tony vs thanos. they don’t even know each other. they’re just that one guy that got in the way of their desires. just an obstacle. that connection is not deep enough to be interesting

ok i went off on a tangent there but back to nebula killing her past self.... Why. we know that given time, the nebula that we see can change for the better! we know bc we see that nebula right there! our nebula! but nooope instead of getting a powerful scene about nebula literally staring her trauma right in the face and how she feels about that now that she’s grown so much...... she just kills her? i mean she tries to appeal to her? but this past nebula isnt given the time she needs to grow! she’s just killed off with 0 compassion......... and it’s such... a sad and unsatisfying development... like there’s a difference between “letting the past die” and killing your past traumatized self.... like if her past self deserves to die and isnt worthy of compassion then that just goes against our nebula’s entire existence? she is the person she is in the present bc she was shown compassion and was allowed to grow! why is this nebula not deserving of that? it’s literally just bc it’s inconvenient to everyone else... thats awful.

then there’s gamora...... like she finds out about this future in which thanos succeeds in his plan and........... she fucking WAITS???? SHE WAITS TO STOP HIM??? IM SORRY BUT WHHHAAAAT THE FUCK??????

like!!! this is literally around the time in our timeline when gamora enacts her plan to ditch thanos and steal the power stone for herself as soon as she finds out that he’s found it’s location in order to stop it from getting into his hands. you’re telling me that gamora waits A LONG SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF TIME after thanos gets all the information he needs to get not just the power stone but ALL THE OTHER INFINITY STONES before attempting to stop him?? YOURE ASKING ME TO BELIEVE THAT?? THAT SHE WOULDNT IMMEDIATELY OR AT LEAST AS SOON AS POSSIBLE TRY TO STOP HIM?

like if i remember correctly, by the time she teams up with future nebula to try to stop thanos, he’s already made significant progress in formulating/enacting his plan to get all the infinity stones..... like she doesnt try to sabotage/steal the information re:time travel in order to keep thanos away from the stones??? it doesnt make sense. it does not make sense that she would wait i cant get over it what the fuck alsooo...... while im glad that gamora isn’t just Dead now and that there’s an alive gamora out and about.... it Upsets me deeply that this isnt our gamora lmao. and this isnt just me being unnecessarily sentimental. it just sucks storytelling wise. gamora underwent so much development from the 1st gotg up to infinity war...... and now all of that is all Gone bc new gamora didn’t experience ANY of that! like saying her development was retconned maybe isn’t exactly true bc all of that development still happened and is Canon but... it’s basically all irrelevant now bc! again! this gamora didnt go through any of it! when peter and gamora reunite in infinity war and peter is emotional and gamora is like What the Fuck? like ha ha yeah funny but...... peter and gamora are very important to each other. theyve been through a lot together. whether or not you like their romance is whatever but them telling each other “i love you” in infinity war was such a HUGH DEAL considering everything they went through as individuals..... and now that development is Gone. and it sucks.

rly i felt all the female characters in endgame got the short end of the stick in this movie :/ like sure theres that One Group Shot... and sure it made whiny men cry so that’s great... it’s cool but like it felt so shallow to me! the bare minimum! very few of the women in that scene actually significantly contributed to the plot of endgame.... like it’s So Easy to put all these women in one shot but it’s a whole other thing entirely to give those women actual Roles in the plot. they even fridged another women in the Literal Exact Same Way they did in infinity war! the exact same way! like the 1st time they did it was unnecessary and unjustifiable to me and then they really went and did it again exactly the same! ALRIGHT! COOL I GUESS!

also captain marvel was so hyped up as being the Key to defeating thanos but the film comes out and i dont think she’s even in it for like 5 minutes total screentime. i mean i wont lie. seeing her fight thanos no problem was really really cool and i loved it but then it lasted what? 10 seconds? 

idk it’s just. rly rly easy to give superficial nods to the strength of these women and while, yes, it bothers whiny man babies and isnt harmful... it’s still superficial <:/ like these are just tiny itty bitty baby steps. it’s 2019 please allow female characters to play larger more significant roles in stories..... alluding to their strength is not the same thing as that. hire female writers.

overall i didnt have a Bad Time watching this movie? i actually laughed plenty. all the scenes with scott are wonderful. but overall the movie was just... fine... and left me feeling empty and indifferent like a lot of other mcu films leave me feeling <:) despite it’s faults i enjoyed iw a lot better and so endgame felt anticlimactic to me which is yknow. bad. considering it’s supposed to be a big finale.

sorry to be a big ol No Fun Allowed boy but i mean. the thing that i find so attractive about these films is Character! like ive only rly enjoyed a handful of mcu films but the reason i keep coming to watch the new ones is bc the idea of these characters is so attractive to me! this expansive superhero universe gives a big opportunity to explore a whole bunch of different characters and a whole bunch of different character dynamics. and while for the most part the mcu is good at producing distinct, conceptually interesting characters.... theyre generally not very good at utilizing them and building them up... which is why they leave me feeling empty

[merlinthoughts]

Season 1 Episode 4 - The Poisoned Chalice

- god fucking dammit here we go again, i'm bloody done with my life and do not, at all, want to see merlin die bc i don't remember anything except that, yeah, he dies and someone has to get off their ass and save the motherfucking day and kiss him

- i realise how much i swear in these posts bc 1. when do i not? 2. i'm emotionally invested 3. i have no other excuse i just like swearing

- AAAND NIMUEHS IN CAMELOT SHE THINKS SHE'S SO SLY WITH HER HEAD THING

- id recognise her in a split second tbfh, she aint subtle

- *heterosexual tension*

- merlins skin be looking so smooth this episode, this boy be wearing lots of Dove

- he looked so excited to be in the banquet, then arthur just fucking slashes him with “not quite” and his hopes and dreams are destroyed

- “wanna see what you’ll be wearing tonight?” arthur says as he's behind the fucking changing curtains, about to get undressed and show merlin his birthday suit

- i honest to god thought that was where he was going, but no, he was just getting something from behind it

- “tonight you’ll be wearing the official ceremonial robes of the servants of camelot” IT'S A FUCKING DRESS ISN'T IT

- aw damn id have preferred a dress

- that smile shared between them was the most adorable scene

- god

- i

- fucking

- love

- their

- smiles 

- sm

- best thing ive ever seen

- i mean… hunty look at that piece of glistening butter beauty

- wow ok back to the episode:

- bros being bros and giving each other a handshake to destroy the mortal enemy pack and put together a family, we stan.

- as if a servant who has only had eye sex with another servant ONCE would trust them enough to say that one of the chalices were poisoned. like??? “ur the only one i could tell” LMAO NO?

- she's a sly fucking dog tfbh

- “if he kills arthur, uthers soul will be broken and camelot will fall” at this rate uther prob wouldn't care if his son dies or not, look at him, he's already mentally broken. he has anxiety and paranoia over magic. child services where u at in the medieval ages?

- i wouldn't believe a word she said, or well, id have believed it was poisoned but id say yeah no damn way you aren't in on it if you know which one it is. bayard wouldn't tell a fucking servant.

- HE'S GONNA SNAP ISN'T HE

- MERLIN FUCKING SNAPPED

- yknow what we say here folks? U DO U MERLIN

- okay i was fine if uther made bayard drink it but like the moment uther said “mmmh… no.” and slowly turned to merlin i think my arteries just crunched together and died so

- “if it is poisoned, he’ll die” HE'S FUCKING SCARED MERLIN WILL PASS AWAY ISN'T HE?

- “it's fine” he says, then starts to fucking choke

- ah fuck he's down

- my boy is down

- FUCK ME SIDEWAYS WITH A CHAINSAW

- ARTHUR CROUCHES NEXT TO HIM LIKE “BB NO”

- lmfao bayard looks so shocked, his face is in disbelief and confusion, he's like who tf done me bad

- arthurs carrying merlin fireman style this is what i live for folks

- did like nobody notice the flower stuck on the inside of the cup? like honestly if you take a sip you’d kinda spot it or perhaps even the person pouring the drinks would have been “is this chamomile tea? no? then what the fuckery-doo is this leaf in here for?” yknow. it's like that scene in Matilda when the angry buff lady completely missed a fucking salamander in her cup when it was the size of her bloody hand. it brings out the same mood honestly

- does gaius have an index for these books or does he just have every page memorised and know exactly what page to go bc I FUCKING NEED THAT it would make bio so much easier if i knew what page it was on instead of looking back and forth from the homework sheet to my textbook, then closing it by accident and having to find the index again for that specific page i need

- arthur wants to fucking go on a life-or-death journey to save merlin i've never been so happy

- this is honestly my favourite episode, like it may be really fucking angsty but i love it so much

- arthur betrays his dad and leaves his room even after being told not to just so he can save a servants life is literally my new moto

- NO IT WON'T LOAD MY NETFLIX IS STUCK ON 99%

- okay so while i'm waiting for my shit to load, i just discovered the new fucking tumblr rule starting dec 17 and i'm like 0.2 inches away from just spamming NSFW pics on here just for laughs

- like hunty, that won't stop people from posting elsewhere or for thinking about sex bc like??? whatchu gonna do tumblr?? get the fbi to erase it from our minds

- i think nOT thot

- watch me get flagged for just using the fucking term “NSFW”

- i'm gonna end up asterisking everything (is asterisking a word? wow it has red under it so like probably not but i just added it to my dictionary so uhh it is now)

- by asterisking i dont mean furry kin shit ew no

- i mean like N*FW, s*x, t*mblr, m*rthur

- god it took me like 20 minutes to calibrate my fucking wifi and fix the connection problem

- wow the stage for the poison increased by 75% in 30 mins, damn

- merlins like like having a conniption on his bed lmao, chanting arthurs name and sweating lot

- do we ever find out how uther gets that scar bc i'm like 100% positive arthur was a little child and swayed his fucking sword too hard just as uther rounded the corner. the sword then collided into his fucking brain and destroyed a good part of his intelligence, targeting especially his morals on how to accept people and how to be a good father

- that’s my theory

- merlin starts talking enchantments in his sleep while gwens watching, and gaius is just there like wtf merlin ur blowing ur cover “oh! gwen!! uhhh sorry. he’s just... in a latin study group in his pastime and has an oral presentation in minutes”

- omg, nimueh, stfu

- i didn't know dinosaurs existed back then, this reptile be whack

- y’know what's funny? ppl thinking dinosaurs didn’t exist. i find creationism very very very intriguing bc how fucking stupid could you be

- that sword throw was faker than my moms tits

- arthur could have done better

- k but like what if merlin’s hand wasn’t under the covers? like he was just throwing that blue ball around right in front of gwen

- can arthur like not hear her? nimuehs literally enchanting the rocks right behind his ear lobes and arthur acts nothing of it until those said rocks collapse and he gasps and suddenly he realises shes evil

- also his fucking hair in this scene looks glorious. perhaps bc it's pushed back rather than his bowl cut, but its doing things to my abdomen

- i thought for a second she was pulling off her mask to say “nimueh” and arthur was gasping bc he only recognised her after her hair was shown, just like in that scene with joker and harvey in the hospital

- OH RIGHT THE SPIDERS I LIKE COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THOSE SONS OF A GUNS

- i’d be dead if those spiders came crawling up to eat me lmfao

- k so nimueh went from :) to >:D in half a second

- i'm smelling up those symbolisms, boys

- watch out pals cause here are some of them:

- merlin is the LIGHT of arthur’s life

- he LIGHTS up the party

- he gives arthur a BRIGHTER future

- he's the GUIDE for his path

- hahhahahaha

- i'm serious when i say i have a huge fear of insects (spiders count in that too, no discrimination) so i'm just putting that there, saying to yall id be fucking terrified

- gaius would be so confused, like we don't see his face here but merlins close-up sweaty concentrated frown, but he’s literally just screaming “ARTHUR!!” “FASTERRR!!” “YESS!!” “CLIMB!!!” gaius would be looking like he walked into something he wasn't supposed to. prob thinking he should just let the kid die so he doesn’t have to deal with this shit anymore

- UTHER LOCKED HIS SON AWAY I'M FUCKING QUESTIONING HIS PARENTING SKILLS

- that's grounding???? throwing ur child in prison???

- yes 999 can i have child services on his ass

- gwens so smart honestly i love her

- pretending to be a maiden for the food, god what a queen

- arthur buying it and saying “yuck you say this is food?! disgustang!”

- the fact that i misspelled disgusting but it autocorrected to disgustang (which is originally what i wanted but autocorrect shouldn’t have known) makes me consider if i should really check my dictionary…. who knows what words are on there

- they’re so smart

- and then this fucker ruins it all while eating his food, checking her out and saying yeah arthurs a prick, hyuck hyuck, realising only that wait fuck u aint the maiden

- how’d they know GWEN was the one not supposed to have delivered the food, what if it was that chick right there???

- welll….. maybe it's because gwen took her sweet time up those steps, staring as if she couldn’t blink at the guards below

- i forget what happens at the end of this episode besides the kiss, and there's like 9 minutes left my fingers may rot at this point

- wake him up! wake him up!

- OH WAIT HE DOESN'T FUCKING WAKE UP DOES HE AND EVERYONE PANICS

- YEAH OKAY I'M SEEING THAT NOW

- MERLIN STOPPED BREATHING

- LMAO GWEN IS IN TEARS

- “HE'S DEAD” SHE SAYS

- ARTHUR BB COME IN HERE TO KISS UR HUBBY ALIVE

- OH WAIT UR IN FUCKING PRISON

- WAIT UP, HE'S ALIVE AND SHE KISSES HIM AFTERWARDS????

- FUCK ME I THOUGHT FOR THE WHOLE EPISODE THE KISS HAPPENED BC HE COULDN'T WAKE UP THAT'S FUCKING WITH ME I DIDN'T KNOW

- i keep forgetting to switch up the cap locks, sorry if it seems im screaming im legit using my inside voice for most of the time just emphasizing my words a little more

- goddamn, everytime they say mercia i just think of “murica”, like those americans on the 7th of july or whatever date the “we love our country” day is, chanting it as they throw around beers and fireworks as people gather round in jerseys or crop tops

- it's not that hard to spot the european on here

- the most celebrated holiday here which contains a lot of beers and big pub gatherings (besides every fucking night honestly) is either new years, lowkey stereotypically correct saint patricks, and ig easter monday but that's more for the kiddos

- i mean ofc christmas and all that shit but im not the most devoted christian, i just like presents and small gatherings among good friends

- wow okay it wasn't the 7th of july

- i mean at first i looked up “USA day” (i couldn’t remember the name) and it popped up today’s date, and i was like no thats not it at all. dec?? its in like july i think. and i was close! it was july 4th.

- uther damn knows it's nimueh!!!

- i mean, he just overheard morgana and arthur talk about it, and initiated himself into a convo about it once morgana left, as his sneaky ass just slithered up like “hey man, u know that woman? yeah uhh, what she say? anything about me? no? k i know who it is tho”

- i thought he was going to apologize or like explain to arthur what's the sitch, but he just waits for five whole seconds before saying. “those who practice magic know only evil. they despise and seek to destroy goodness wherever they find it.”

- arthur, confused: sounds as if you know her

- uther, walking away: i do

- arthur:

- wow k lots of fucking quotes here cause it's the merthur reunion

- get ready babs

- arthur: still alive then?

- merlin: oh yes, just about… i understand i have you to thank for that

- arthur, leaning on the chair merlin is sitting in, stifling a smile: ah it's nothing, a half-decent servant is hard to come by. i was only dropping by to make sure you’re alright… i.... expect you to be back to work tomorrow

- merlin, watching arthur as he slightly walks away having embarrassed himself: arthur... thank you

- arthur, slowly: you too

- they stare for like 5 whole seconds

- arthur, uncomfortable: well… get some rest

- there we go folks: my eulogy.

- hope someone reads it at my funeral

[fearlessandfreespirited]

To the one following me, from afar

      You still follow me daily. Not physically but mentally. You have scarred me, altered my mental state. As I will always walk with your shadow.      There are so many things to say to you if i went back to day one. Many things i would say, that i was too afraid of saying before. Things i know would anger you, and make you want to hurt me. There are so many things, That i could spit twards you. I'll say this.       I'll forgive you.      I hated myself everyday, our whole time together. I admit i didnt fall in love with you. I fell in love with the release. It was all a distraction from the emotional wreckage i carried with me the day we met. I was hurt by a short term issue, and you were nothing more than a therapist. At least you told me you were.      I had low self esteem, to which you groped. You saw my distress, and you used that weakness to mold me into someone i now look back, and have absolutely no love for.       See the thing is, somehow you made me think you loved me, You had me fooled. You used kind words to gain from my weakened heart. Lied from the begining. Gave me a facade that you were a therapist. Made me believe i needed you. Because you numbed my pain with your false security. You spoke words that covered the other half of my heart. Used a tounge of gold and words of love, that i was missing in that one moment.        I made the mistake of listening to your altering words from the day we met. I trusted your lies. You made me jump into an illusion of what i wanted. I dont understand how i was sheepish enough to let you instantly flip my pain. Leaving me dispensing it at the person i longed for the most. How could i be so easily turned against the only person i needed. I had made mistakes but he had not been one. How could i let words change me. You made me think he didnt even want me? You fucked up my head. I thought i was stronger. You twisted me into feeling a new hurt, by someone who wasn't even there to hurt me. You rewired my mind with words and illusions. You re-crafted the mind of the woman you had in your clutch. Yet you left me still feeling i wasn't good enough?      You've kept me up, and continue to keep me up at night. You caused my utter disgust twards life itself... My utter hatred twards that weak minded fool, that walked in on that awful day. I blamed myself for your actions. But no such blame exists anymore. I was weak, and i allowed you to change my views. I never deserved the pain you delivered. No person, deserves the actions you have shown twards me.  We fought so much, and severely. You've pushed me through windows. You've beat me with fists. You've cut me with kitchen knives. You have tossed me around like i was nothing. Acttacking for my disobedience twards your sexist visions. Do you still hear me screaming for you to "please, stop" over and over again until my lungs burned. You got upset at any sign of me being my own person. We never talked about what was wrong. When i tried to talk about what was wrong, you hurt me. You lie, so much. You've lied to me, to everyone. When your'e asked why i left you, does it feel less haunting by making yourself the victim? I foolishly fell for the “it wont happen again”s your “im sorry baby”s the “I'm getting help”s.            All of it; And still.        I will forgive you.       There is no hope in hatred twards you. Hating only harms me, i cant hate that you created who i became. I can never undo you not stopping after i asked you too. The bruises have healed, but my bones still crack. Although i can never get back the things you stole from me, I still choose to be the bigger person.       Because of you, I now know what i want, What i need, And what i deserve; not only from a partner, but from anyone within my life.        Because of you i remember what it was like before you, I remember that love. I now know to not tolerate those that make me feel worthless.        You taught me what; Narcissism, Severe anger, Compulsive lying, Mental and Physical abuse, Manipulation, Abandonment, Paranoia, Controlling, and Mental destruction; looks, and feels like.      Ive gained the beautiful freedom from your hypnotic tounge. I am a lot of things because of you're actions, and my decisions. I am not forgiving you because anything you did to me was ever okay. I choose to forgive you because you shown me what love, is not.       And No, its not giving you credit for the upbringing, that your sneaking downward pull, broke me to choose. I am just stating that i have choosen to forgive you, for you brought me down so far into a mental captivity; That I am forced to climb back up from. I admit to myself that i had allowed myself to hurt.  I could have left quicker. I made that choice. ME.               I gathered the strength, and courage to help myself. I did that. I made the change that finally ended my suffering. All by acknowledging you were no good for me. You are not better than me Sir, you are cowardly. I own up to the reality that everyone make mistakes, even me.       For your momma, you are in a very hard spot. I respect, and care for your safety and health. I have personally seen the fear he placed in your eyes. He puts you in a position i felt stuck in, like a deer in headlights. It's worse for you, are his mother. You recieve disrespect through his actions to women, to other people and his blatant lack of shame or remorse.      I stood up for myself;   Yes, physically. i was left fearing my own life. I never intended to harm anyone. Even in fighting back i put his well being before mine. I felt i deserved the pain. Because i let his words bring me to where i was. I tore a heart full of love for no fucking reason. So I did not retaliate until i felt he was hurting me to much for me to handle. For the better, i stood up by leaving. I wish it was as simple as leaving him for you. He feeds off of you, and has caused your health to deteriorate. He would be lost without you, for he can not care for himself. Yet he runs your life. I sincerely hope you find peace. Before you lose all strength. He is slowly killing you. Please dont look down apon me, for standing up and saving myself. But, for him...       I will forgive you for my newfound anxiety issues, My Night terrors, My lack of trust, My fear of men, My scars, The avoidable broken hearts and the death of my old self; into a woman who thinks about what the next person will do to her.        I'll forgive you for making me believe that your gift of my never ending fear, constant paranoia and self hate was love. I have forgiven you. Sincerely, Katt

[kpopfanfictrash]

Blackjack (IV)

Author: kpopfanfictrash

Pairing: You / Jungkook

Rating: 18+ (explicit sex... with a detachable sink hose - look, idk; descriptions of past abuse)

Warning: physical abuse

Word Count: 7,721

Summary: Bangtan is one of the most vicious mafias on the west coast. Only six members are known by name though, with a mysterious seventh member dubbed only as ‘the shadow.’ When you become indebted to the worst of the worst – how, exactly can you find a way out?

It is as though the world slows, or perhaps only you do.

Jungkook stares, piecing together the strands you have shown him. You remember what you said the morning after sleeping together – you said Lena did not know everything about you, that no one did. You remember what you told Lena about wanting to protect Jungkook from harm. In the mafia, there is a strict code to be followed: women are protected by the men who love them. Of course, this rule exists in varying degrees and forms throughout the families– in the Vine and likely in Bangtan, the rule applies to both genders.

What it means though, is that sleeping with another member’s sister, their wife or their daughter are all considered unpardonable offenses. The member who is ‘wronged’ has full liberty (sometimes, they are even encouraged) to seek revenge – whatever the word means to them. Thievery, violence, blackmail – even death. All are acceptable under the martial law of mafias. Even being removed from the Vine, even having disappeared all those years ago – if your brother ever found out and discovered you with Jungkook, he would be at full liberty to seek Jungkook’s death.

Jungkook does not react for a moment. He goes still, grip tight on your waist. After a long minute, his expression softens. Leaning forward, he stops an inch away from your face. 

“And?” he whispers.

Eyes widening, you find yourself confused by his lack of response. “And?” you repeat. “He’ll kill you, Jungkook.”

Eyes narrowing, Jungkook smirks. “He can try.”

“Right. He will try,” you say, rolling your eyes. “I don’t want you to get hurt and I...” Hesitant, you look down. “I don’t want my brother to be hurt, either.”

At this, Jungkook becomes gentler. “I know. But,” he says, sliding his hands to your hair. “If your brother is a member of the Vine, how has he not found us already?”

Swallowing, you try to ignore how close he is right now. Jungkook’s eyes are burning, piercing and each time you try to speak, the words stick in your throat. “I ran,” you admit. The walls of your apartment are thin here, and you do not know who might be listening. “When I turned eighteen, I changed my name and I ran. They haven’t found me – or at least,” you say, shaping your fears into words. “I don’t know if they’ve found me.”

Looking past, Jungkook stares at the rain. “I haven’t noticed anything unusual,” he mutters, though he hesitates. “But I can’t say I’ve been entirely… focused, as of late.”

Hands slipping further into your hair, he steps closer. Bending his head, Jungkook stops with his lips a centimeter above yours.

“It’s not safe, Jungkook,” you whisper. “I’m not safe.”

Jungkook seems slightly amused. “And I am?” he asks, fingers pushing a piece of hair behind your ear. “Am I,” he exhales, brushing his lips to your neck, “safe? Is that what you think of me?”

Shivering, your hands rise to wrap around his waist. Jungkook presses kisses to your skin, moving you backwards until your hips hit the counter. “Jungkook,” you groan, eyelids shutting. “Stop.”

He obeys, pulling back to look at you. “Tell me,” Jungkook demands quietly. “Is that all?”

“Is... what all,” you blink, unsure what he is asking. “What do you mean?”

“Is that all?” Jungkook leans forward until his hands find the counter. “Your brother is a part of the Vine, you ran when you were young. If they find out about us, they'll try and kill me. Is that all?”

Staring back, you manage a nod. “Yes. Is that not enough?”

Jungkook merely arches a brow. “I hear you. I understand what you’re saying. Hear me then, when I say I don’t care. Hear me,” he interrupts, seeing your face, “when I say your family doesn’t dictate who you are. Only you do. The Vine is dangerous. My being with you is dangerous. But Y/N,” Jungkook says, softening. “Life is dangerous. People are lying who say otherwise. Life is struggle, life is hardship, life is pain. All of it intermixed with fun, joy, love. There are always obstacles, always things to overcome – but that doesn’t make the good things less valid.”

At this, you hesitate. You have spent so long on the run, so long in hiding that it is difficult to imagine another way. For some reason, you remember the little girl behind the table. You remember the girl who hid in her home, unable to fight. You are not that girl anymore. You are older, stronger and perhaps it is time you stopped running.

Realizing this, your grip tightens in his t-shirt. Jungkook smiles, inhaling sharply when you press your lips against his. The first kiss is soft, tentative – somehow, it feels like the very first one. The kiss is a confirmation, an answer to something he asked.

You want him. He wants you.

Jungkook’s body presses closer, hands fumbling with the counter behind you. Something falls to the ground – an old magazine, maybe a phone bill – before he bends, grabbing your legs to lift you onto the counter. A groan escapes you, pulling him closer, wrapping your legs around his waist.

His shirt is still damp, sticking to his body while his hands slide up your legs. “Jungkook,” you exhale, playing with the material. “You’re getting me wet.”

“That’s kind of the idea,” he mutters, teeth scraping your neck. “Why is that a problem?”

“Because,” you giggle. Jungkook shifts and nearly falls, attempting to maneuver inside your cramped kitchen. “It’s making you fall all over the place.”

He catches himself quickly, returning his mouth to yours and losing himself in the process. His hands are everywhere – in your hair, on your waist, yanking you closer. Your body molds obediently against his, seeking his touch. Kissing down the side of your neck, Jungkook tugs your shirt with his teeth.

“Maybe,” he gasps, hands groping for the counter, “the problem is that you’re not wet enough.”

When you open your eyes to respond, Jungkook retracts his hand and sprays you with the sink hose. A shriek escapes you, recoiling but he is too fast to avoid. Gasping, you sputter as your eyes widen in shock. Before, you were dressed in a white t-shirt – a description which seems woefully inaccurate now, with the material soaked through.

“Ah.” Jungkook’s thumbs brush peaked nipples over the fabric. “That’s better,” he murmurs. "Are you wet enough now?"

Warmth pools between your thighs. “Fuck off,” you hiss, punching him hard in the arm. "That wasn’t what I meant," you say, but you laugh. It is hard not to, faced with the stupidest grin on his face.

Cocking an eyebrow, Jungkook seems ridiculously pleased with himself. "No?" he asks. You consider smacking the smirk right off him. “What if,” he murmurs, hands drifting over your body. “I make it up to you?”

The word how is on your lips when Jungkook’s fingers slide beneath the waistband of your sweats. Tugging them lower, he removes them entirely and drops them to the floor. You are not wearing underwear and when Jungkook discovers this fact, he exhales. “Naughty,” he murmurs, brushing a kiss to your shoulder. Grabbing your waist, he deposits you close to the edge of the sink. “You should really wear underwear when you have company over, Y/N.”’

“I didn’t invite you – oh, fuck,” your groan, when Jungkook turns on the faucet.

Watching your face, he moves the hose to your body. The noise torn from your lips is embarrassingly breathy. Keeping you still with one hand, his other controls the hose and its movement, slipping it lower to slide over your sex. Water pulses, sliding against you – you gasp when Jungkook finally reaches the nerves between your thighs.

He smiles at your response. “More?” he murmurs, watching you squirm.

With a fervant nod, you push your hips forward. The water streams between your thighs, over the sensitive mound and arching against him, you nod. “Yes,” you whimper, broken. Clutching him tighter, you balance yourself on his arms. “That feels so good, Jungkook – keep going.”

He nods, tugging you forward – his right thumb flicks upward, changing the setting and the water switches to torrent. Kissing you fiercely, Jungkook readjusts the position of the hose underneath you. Water pulses over your clit when he slips a first finger in. Curling inside you, Jungkook withdraws from your body and replaces his finger with water. Suddenly, the pulse is relentless, a punishing rhythm which leaves you gasping against his lips.

“Fuck,” you choke, clutching his arms. “Jungkook, I –”

Legs trembling, you try to keep still – and Jungkook chuckles, pulling away. “You don’t get to come,” he murmurs, sliding your wet t-shirt up on your stomach. “Not until I say so.”

His eyes gleam when you nod. Tonight, you sense Jungkook wants to be in control. The past few weeks have been so full of uncertainty; he need to know you are his, which is something you understand. Nodding again, you spread your legs wider as Jungkook increases the pressure. The water pounds into your body, hitting your g-spot and making you moan. Jungkook kisses you roughly, bringing you to the edge several times before turning off the water completely.

Tossing the hose into the sink, he grabs your hips and lifts you from the counter. Legs wrapping around him, Jungkook walks from the kitchen and into your bathroom – it is a short trip, barely more than a couple of steps.

When Jungkook sets you down, you nearly slip on the tile. His hands catch you quickly, steadying your frame. Grip tightening on your waist, he stares at your breasts through the shirt – then changes his mind, dragging the cloth overhead. When you stand naked before him, he inhales. Jungkook remains fully dressed in everything but his jacket, but there is something enticing about being completely at his mercy. Your heart thumps, seeing how his gaze curves over your skin – he searches, seeks, and still wants for more.

“Spread your legs,” he insists, stepping forward. Obedient, your feet move apart as Jungkook drops to the ground.

When his tongue finds your center, you exhale, fingers sliding into his hair. Jungkook’s hands spread you further, tongue slipping between the slickness of your folds. He traces you gently, sucking your clit between his lips and alternating with kisses – until your knees start to tremble above him. Every inch of your skin feels aflame, every touch of his lips molten and when Jungkook sees you he takes pity, sliding a hand higher to brace you against him. Pulling you close, his tongue flicks lazily against the lower half of your body. You whimper, hands curling into his hair while his tongue continues, merciless below.

His hands are gentle at first – then harder. Jungkook is your anchor, grasping flesh and kneading your ass with his hands. A moan escape when one of his fingers trails lower. Your eyelids flutter, breath shallow – and Jungkook abruptly stands, taking your orgasm with. Eyes flying open, you see his cock hard, straining the front of his pants. Grabbing your hand, Jungkook brings this down to the bulge.

Inhaling sharply, you cup his dick over the fabric. Jungkook groans, lifting his shirt overhead. The muscles of his body flex, tossing this aside. “Jeans,” he mumbles, when you move your hand higher.

Unbuttoning a button, you keep your gaze firmly on him as you move to the next. Finding his zipper, you push the pants past his thighs. Jungkook’s boxers are removed and when his dick springs up, you lower yourself to the ground.

“No,” Jungkook declares, catching your arms to step free of his jeans. “No more teasing, Y/N. I want to be inside you.”

There is little time to respond when he pulls you against him. Kissing you roughly, Jungkook walks the two of you into your bedroom. Breaking away, he disentangles himself long enough to sit on the edge of your bed. He stares at you there, his cock red and hard. “Y/N,” he groans, watching you slowly kneel over him.

Reaching down, you stroke his length with your fingers. Brushing over the tip with your thumb, you try not to moan when it comes back wet with pre-cum.

“Condom?” Jungkook whisper, suddenly urgent.

With a nod, you reach for the bedside table to rip open a packet. Jungkook patiently while you roll it on and then grabs your hips, aligning himself to your core. Teasingly, he pushes in halfway before pulling back out. His cock enters you in slow, easy thrusts – none of which satisfy your ache.

“Jungkook,” you whimper, waiting for him to kiss you.

His hands slide into your hair, pushing his hips against yours. Jungkook’s hands slide to your waist, bracing himself and you whimper, lowering onto his cock. He slides into you easily, your body so wet that the sound is sinful, each time you lower yourself further.

Biting your lip, Jungkook pulls this between teeth and pushes himself upwards. Hands grasping your body, he guides your hips – only to groan, when you pick up the pace. Resting both hands on his chest, you help by lifting and lowering yourself on his cock. Forehead bent to his, you tilt your pelvis so Jungkook finds a deeper angle. Moving harder and faster, Jungkook nearly slips out when you drop up and down on his dick.

“Easy, babe,” Jungkook grunts, grabbing your ass. Leaning back to the headboard, he braces himself. “Here,” he murmurs, lifting you – only to slam his hips upwards. His gaze darkens when your chest bounces at the motion. Fucking you harder, he moves until you gasp above him with pleasure.

When his hand slips between your thighs, you cannot control the noises you make. Jungkook’s fingers start gentle, playing with your clit as you groan. You begin losing control, falling prey to the rhythm of his hips, the subtle sin of his fingers.

Suddenly, Jungkook sits up to pull your chest against his. Helping you along, his fingers continue moving while his cock thrusts inside you – until you come apart, stuttering around his hard, throbbing length. You gasp, doubled forward to bury your face in his neck.

Jungkook catches you gently, pulling you in – and grabbing your hips with his hands, continuing to move until he comes as well. Your legs begin to relax, softening as Jungkook releases into the condom. He swears, biting down your shoulder; following this with a gentle sweep of his lips.

You stay like that for a while. Flushed, spent and sweaty against him.

Jungkook does not try to move. Instead, he holds you, rubbing small circles against your back. “Y/N,” he sighs. Nose brushing your jaw, he pulls back to look at you. “I don’t want to leave.”

You find you do not want him to go. Already though, you feel your fear rising. No one has ever stayed here before. The fear of the Vine, your brother chokes you and it is only the gentle press of his body to yours, the feel of his hands on your skin which alleviates the pain.

“Okay,” you whisper, aware you are agreeing to more. “Stay.”

Jungkook nods, lifting you off. Rolling from bed, he removes his condom and throws this in your trash. When he goes, you lift yourself on your elbows and watch him disappear. It is hard to look away from the motion of his legs and when he returns, you fall flat on your back.

“Why is your butt so great?” you mumble, staring up at the ceiling.

Jungkook laughs, the sound shocked into being. Joining you on the bed, he hands you a washcloth, cleaning gently before setting this aside. Lowering himself to a pillow, Jungkook wraps his arm around your waist to survey your place. 

“I like your apartment,” he decides, fingers tracing your skin.

“Well. I like you,” you respond, returning his gaze to yours.

Jungkook smiles. “But Y/N,” he whispers, pulling you close to bury his face in your neck. “You barely know me.”

When you realize he is making fun of you, you shove him – unable to stay mad for long when he wraps his arms tighter. He fake-bites, growling lightly to flop down on his back. For a moment, you watch him like that, propping yourself up on your elbow.

“Can I ask something?” you venture, and Jungkook looks over suspiciously.

“You can,” he nods – but grins. “I might not answer.”

“Why,” you continue as though he has not spoken, “were you dressed as a police officer the night we first met?”

Jungkook stares for a moment and starts to laugh. “Oh, that,” he says. “I was undercover. A dirty cop is selling our information to the Coalition – another mafia – oh, you know that. Right. Anyways, Namjoon wanted to know how much they know about us, where their information is coming from – that kind of thing.”

“I see,” you nod. 

Jungkook moves closer. Legs intertwining with yours, he huddles under the sheets. 

“So, you’re Bangtan’s spy – more or less.”

Jungkook ponders, then nods. “I suppose. That’s what I used to be for the government.”

At this, you arch a brow. “The government?”

The corner of Jungkook’s mouth lifts. “So much you don’t know about me.”

“Well,” you inhale, rolling your eyes. “Since I told you a secret of mine, tell me one in return. You owe me. Tell me something I don’t know about you.”

Pretending to think, Jungkook purses his lips. “I hate cheese whiz. It’s not,” he says, brows furrowed, “cheese. I’m very passionate on the subject.”

A soft laugh escapes, poking his chest. “Fuck,” you complain, poking him harder. “That is a lot of muscle. But – seriously, cheese whiz?” you say, not one to be deterred. “That’s it, that’s your big secret?”

Jungkook laughs, quieting the longer he thinks about it. Finally, he exhales. “I’m an orphan,” he states. He says so simply, without much fanfare. “My orphanage was raided for mistreatment, which is how the government found me at all. I don’t know if you noticed,” he says, shifting on top of the bed. 

When he turns – the moonlight hits the curve of his shoulder.

Before, you noticed Jungkook’s scars but you did not think much about them. There were so many, you considered them a part of his job. This was insensitive, you realize, given the source of your own. Now, you reach out to brush over his skin. The longest scar is obvious, puckered from shoulder to waist. The line is thick, badly healed – as though Jungkook did not have the resources to mend at the time.

“Will you tell me about it?” you ask quietly.

Jungkook pauses a moment before rolling to face you. His gaze is dark in the moonlight. “It was given to me by our matron,” he says. “I blabbed about the condition of the orphanage on an adoption interview –  she punished me with the scar and we were raided the month following. The government saved me, placed me in a special program for children similar to me. I later found out they were turning a blind eye to similar orphanages and left. I became a vigilante of sorts, struck out where I could until finding Namjoon. Actually,” Jungkook admits, half-smiling. “Yoongi was the one who found me. I was under his surveillance, long before he showed up at my door. When he visited, he didn’t even speak. He just handed me a list of all my bank accounts, all my passwords from the past ten years, along with my social security number – I accepted the meeting with Namjoon the following day. Since then...” Jungkook shrugs. “I’ve worked for Bangtan.”

You don’t respond at first. Taking this all in, you observe Jungkook for a moment. For someone so young, he has dealt with a lot of deception. It would make sense then, that he does not like, nor trust the law. Inching closer, you trace a different scar on his chest. The line of this one is long, moving lower until – Jungkook grabs your hand.

“Uh-uh,” he chuckles, nuzzling your neck with his lips. “Already? You’re insatiable, aren’t you?”

Smiling, you wrap yourself gently around him. “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”

“I think,” he exhales, giving you a pointed look. “You do.”

His words are soft, not important in content but in meaning. His voice is intimate, as though he cares. The way he stares is important as well, since no one has looked at you with such open sincerity before. Here Jungkook is, saying things he has likely never told anyone and asking to know these things about you, in return.

“My father died when I was young,” you say suddenly. “He died when we were young, and my mother never recovered. The man after, he was abusive. He was part of the Vine and he liked to hurt my brother and I – my brother joined the Vine to fight back at him. I ended up leaving the Vine. Leaving him the moment I turned eighteen.”

Jungkook’s chest rises and falls beneath the sheets. “Is he...” Jungkook falters, struggling to control his obvious anger. “The man who hurt you – is he still a part of the Vine?”

With a shrug, you try not to show how much the thought bothers you. “I don’t know,” you admit. “I’m not even sure if my brother is alive, or what position he holds. I like to think he still is.”

Inhaling softly, Jungkook looks at your sheets. “We will have to be careful,” he agrees, echoing what you said earlier. “I’ll talk to Namjoon in the morning and see what he thinks about how to proceed.”

“No,” you blurt, clutching his waist. Jungkook looks up, surprised. “I don’t want anyone to know,” you say. “Not Namjoon, not anyone – it’s not safe for them, Jungkook. Please.”

Staring, Jungkook’s brow lowers. “But Y/N,” he responds. “This might be the only way to protect you – it might be the only way to protect us. I trust Namjoon, I really do. If Namjoon helps, we’d have the entirety of Bangtan behind us.”

Body tense, you immediately understand what Jungkook means by this statement. Having Bangtan’s protection would be a formal declaration. It would mean you belong to Bangtan, mean you are a part of them – and it would mean the Vine has no claim on you anymore. They would likely fight it; your brother would definitely fight it.

“I belonged to them once,” you say to him softly, a reminder. “I once was a part of the Vine, which means I am technically your enemy.”

Jungkook’s gaze turns determined. “Not if you don’t want to be,” he says simply. “Not if I vouch for you, and I will – so long as you want that. I would never force you into Bangtan’s protection, Y/N. I just want you to be safe.”

When he pauses, the air between you is heavy – there is emotion, along with something else. An odd sort of hesitancy exists, as Jungkook lays himself bare. He holds his feelings out and waits for your response. Staring back at him, you feel something crumble inside your chest. The look he gives is deafening and, unable to stop yourself, your curl into his torso. Pressing closer, you rest your cheek on his chest.

“What if,” you whisper, brushing a kiss to his skin, his scars. “We both protect each other?”

Nodding, Jungkook’s chin brushes the top of your head. “I can live with that.”

“Good,” you murmur, looking up – breath hitching, his lips find yours. He kisses you softly, gently before pulling away.

With a yawn, Jungkook settles onto his side. Arms tightening around you, he pulls you into him. “I’m not tired,” he mumbles, already half-asleep. “Tell me another truth.”

“You might not be tired, but I am,” you whisper, barely getting the words out before your head hits the pillow.

The night passes in this way; your body, soul and thoughts entwined with his. For the first time in over a week, you do not dream.

In the morning, you are woken by a phone call.

The shrill ringing pierces the silence, following by vibrating on top of your nightstand. Jungkook moves sleepily, nearly squishing you as he rolls on top. “Hey,” you gasp, jerked awake by his weight. “Jungkook!”

“Morning,” he grins, grabbing his phone and brushing your nose with his.

“You’re squishing me,” you mumble, squirming until Jungkook props himself up on one elbow.

“Hello?” he answers. Instantly, his expression changes at the voice on the other end of the line. “What’s wrong?” he demands, voice lowering.

Whoever it is, they speak quietly. Their words are barely more than a whisper, but Jungkook hears exactly what they are saying. “Understood,” Jungkook mutters, body tense. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

At this, your stomach sinks with disappointment. You were looking forward to spending the morning in bed. Maybe making breakfast, lounging around in your apartment, continuing more of what happened last night.

“What do you mean?” Jungkook asks, all traces of laughter disappearing. It appears the conversation is not over. Rolling out of bed, the sudden departure of his weight is disconcerting. Sitting up, you wrap the sheets tighter. “No,” Jungkook mutters, facing the window. A long pause follows, where Jungkook listens and does not speak. Then, “And what if I say no?”

You do not hear the response, but whatever it is – Jungkook does not seem pleased by it.

“Fine,” he agrees, clearly not okay with the situation. “Fine – but you owe me. You owe me big.”

Jungkook hangs up. Tossing the phone away, he turns to meet your gaze. For some people, standing naked might be comical but for Jungkook, it only makes him that much more intimidating – he seems comfortable, scars and all. Running a hand through his hair, he also seems agitated.

“Who was that?” you ask, finding your voice. “Who was on the phone?”

“Namjoon.” Jungkook struggles to keep his tone light. “He asked me to come in this morning.”

“O-kay.” You nod, not understanding why he is upset. This can hardly be the first time Namjoon has called him in early. “Is that all?”

“No,” Jungkook admits. Walking closer, his expression remains inscrutable. “He wants you to come in, too.”

“Me?” You blink, taken aback. “But why?”

“He wouldn’t say,” Jungkook says – the longer he stands there, the more uncertain he seems. “He said I needed to come in and that you needed to come with. That’s all.”

“I,” you stutter. Mind reeling, you recognize history repeating itself – you wonder, when you became a twisted version of your mother. Without a second thought, you invited a dangerous criminal into your home, let him into your bed. One who could ruin you at any moment – you let yourself think you meant something to him, only for him to turn you in to his boss.

Jungkook must see your shock, since he moves swiftly forward. Lowering himself to the mattress, he cups your face with both hands. “Hey,” he murmurs. “You don’t have to come. Namjoon can fuck off, as far as I’m concerned – he doesn’t own me. He doesn’t own you.”

Breath quieting, you struggle to remain calm. “Jungkook,” you sigh, pushing his hands away from your body. “These are dangerous men – stop trying to pretend that they’re not.”

“Yes, but I’m also dangerous.” Jungkook flashes a smile, only to sober. “I know, Y/N. I know that they are. I’ve been in this world a long time. But,” he hesitates. "The one thing I will say, is that Namjoon is smart. He’s intelligent, strategic and if he wants to talk – it might be in your best interest to listen.”

“My best interest?” you say, fierce. “Because the other option is he’ll hurt me, is that it?”

“No, no,” Jungkook says, hands encircling your wrists. Quickly, he lets go. “Nothing like that. I’m not doing a good job of explaining. All I meant was that if Namjoon wanted you dead, you would be already.”

You stare back at him. “Gee, what good news.”

Jungkook looks up at the ceiling. “The fact that he wants to talk in person – he has information to give us. Information that needs to be delivered face to face.”

Despite your self-preservational instincts, curiosity crosses your spine. “What kind of information?”

“I don’t know,” Jungkook says, looking down. “He wouldn’t explain over the phone. Yoongi probably thinks I’m being tapped. Y/N,” he exhales, hands finding yours. “I trust Namjoon completely. He won’t hurt you, I’m sure of it.”

“How can you be so sure,” you say softly. “I don’t trust him, nor anyone like him.”

Bowing his head, Jungkook considers your bedspread. “That’s fair. Let me ask you this, though – do you trust me?” he murmurs, awaiting the answer.

You take a moment to consider. Staring at his dark crown of hair, you slide your fingers under his chin. 

“Yes,” you exhale, lifting his gaze to yours. The answer is true – no matter how ill-advised, how idiotic it sounds – you trust him. “I trust you.”

“Then,” Jungkook inhales. “I will vouch for him, if you’ll trust me.”

After a long moment, you nod. The weight of it is heavy, as though sealing your fate, but you cannot deny you are curious. You want to know what Namjoon wants. 

“Just,” you hesitate, as Jungkook pulls away. “Know it only takes one betrayal to lose a person’s trust.”

Jungkook’s gaze darkens, and you wonder what he remembers. “I know,” he states, looking down at your hands. “I know.”

The room is quiet until you stand, sheet falling from your waist to walk into your bathroom. “Get ready,” you call, tossing Jungkook’s pants from the hall. He starts, moving to stand from your bed. “It’s probably important to look your best when meeting the head of a mafia.”

“That so?” Jungkook feigns surprise, eyes wide. “Golly.”

“Yes,” you say, ducking into the bathroom. “So, go put on some pants and tuck your penis away.”

An hour later, Jungkook pulls up outside an unmarked building. He hesitates in the car, placing it in park and turning your way. “This is it,” he warns. “You don’t have to do this, Y/N – despite Namjoon’s threatening tone, you don’t have to go in.”

Rolling your eyes, you unbuckle your seat belt. “Let’s just get this over with, so I can go home and eat lunch.”

“So, we can go,” Jungkook corrects, grinning. Leaning over the console, he breifly captures your lips with his. “I’m not done with you, yet.”

Cheeks furiously heated, you pull back. “Save it for later, Jeon,” you demand, briskly leaving the car.

He laughs, following and slamming the door shut behind him. Squinting up at the sun, Jungkook’s gaze sweeps the area – you wonder what he looks for until a silver-haired man walks from a building.

The door bangs shut behind him, loud in the otherwise silence.

“Morning,” Yoongi calls, tossing a small black box at Jungkook. The tech of Bangtan is dressed casually, in a sweater and jeans – although to you, Yoongi always seems to have the air of a businessman. Before he belonged to Bangtan, you have no idea what Yoongi did – likely, this is purposeful on Yoongi’s design. “You know the drill,” he drawls, looking at Jungkook.

Grabbing the box, Jungkook turns to face you. “Arms out,” he instructs, and you do so. Raising your wrists, you hold them parallel for Jungkook to scan over your torso. Your arms, chest and legs are similarly covered in clinical movements, while Yoongi watches.

His gaze flickers, but no emotion shows through. Yoongi watches impassively, ensuring you carry no weaponry, no metal of any kind – he smiles when Jungkook nods, clicking the device off.

“Done,” he announces, tossing it back to Yoongi. “We good, here?”

Yoongi nods, turning around. “Follow me,” he says, walking away.

Looking to you, Jungkook motions you follow. He locks the car as you leave, his shadow catching up to you easily. Leaning in, he whispers, “You don’t have to speak if you don’t want to.”

You nod. “I know.”

Jungkook’s hand finds yours, interlacing. “Not that you can’t speak. You can, if you want to,” he adds.

Glancing at him, you fight back a smile. “I know that, too.”

When you look forward, you feel grateful you took the time to dress. Black jeans, combat boots and a brown suede jacket. Sometimes, looking the part is enough to make you believe it. Clothing is similar to armor in a way; it is a means of blending in, when you have lost all control.

Jungkook’s grip tightens as you enter the building. The hallway is chilly and small, with just enough space to walk beside Jungkook. Yoongi does not look back as he enters, continuing to face forward. You note his eyes continue to move. His fingers constantly twitch, in a constant state of observance – almost trance-like in his intensity. You realize it would be difficult to slip anything past him.

Two large men stand at the end of the hall – seeing them, you shrink in on yourself. You remember men like these, remember them visiting your mother and remember hiding behind couches until you were certain they were gone. The two men seem to recognize Yoongi; Jungkook, as well. They step quickly aside.

“Thank you, gentlemen,” Yoongi says, walking past. He is shorter than the men – much shorter, but both of them seem scared when he passes.

The one on the right glances at Yoongi’s hands – and you understand their nervousness, seeing his phone. It hangs loose from his grasp in a non-threatening gesture but to Yoongi, this is a stance of attack. Walking into the room, he flashes a smile and blends into the shadows. Melting off to the side, he slinks out of view and sits down.

Before you are two rows of three chairs; six in total. The seventh chair is at the front of the room, although you do not look there yet. Six of the chairs before you are full. The last one is empty – a seat situated directly to the left of the Head. The chair must be Jungkook’s, since the man seated behind the desk is none other than Kim Namjoon.

Walking forward, you fight to keep your gaze steady. You have only seen Namjoon once prior, and never have you spoken. He has always remained aloof, which is how he intends it to be: fear can be a powerful motivator. Namjoon stays seated as you enter, feet flat to the floor and palms flat on the table.

He watches you walk. For some reason, you get the feeling Namjoon is always watching. Not in the same way as Yoongi, though. Yoongi watches out of boredom, watches just to observe. Yoongi does not truly care what he sees, all he wants is to know things.

Namjoon seeks to understand. Each visual is a data point and you know he is intelligent enough to string the answers together. His gaze is unnerving and you begin to understand why he commands such respect. Coming to a stop before him, you realize you have yet to observe the rest of the room. The remaining chairs hold – from right to left – Min Yoongi, Jung Hoseok, Kim Seokjin, Kim Taehyung and Park Jimin. Such is the respect Namjoon commands that you did not notice them until now.

All in one motion, he stands. Smoothing an immaculate tie, Namjoon gestures for Jungkook to shut the door. Jungkook obeys, which surprises you, but when he returns he laces his hand in yours. The gesture presents you as a united front. Trying not to flinch, you notice Jimin staring. He frowns at your hands, before turning to Namjoon.

Namjoon does not react, merely inclines his head. “Welcome,” he allows. “Thank you for coming, Y/N. It shows a great deal of trust on your part.”

“Some would say foolishly so,” Taehyung adds – when you swivel to face him, he winks. “Hey, Y/N,” he grins. “How do I look today? Pretty?”

When you grimace, you see Jungkook arch a brow. “Pretty?” he murmurs, leaning towards you.

Shrugging, you manage to avoid his gaze. “So, sue me,” you whisper. “He is.”

Facing forward, Jungkook clamps his lips together. It appears as though he tries hard not to laugh – until Namjoon sighs at the front. “I’d ask everyone to be seated,” he muses, waving a hand, “but it seems we only have seven seats.”

“Well,” Seokjin sighs, filled with frustration. “If I had been given proper notice, I would have spoken to facilities and arranged for more. As it is,” he exhales, waving a hand. “You woke me from my sleep thirty minutes ago.”

For the first time since sitting, Yoongi looks up from his phone. “What the hell?” he asks, clearly appalled. “It’s almost eleven ’o’clock in the morning.”

Seokjin stares back in challenge. “Some of us,” he sniffs, “sleep for a full eight hours. It’s how we maintain our status as the best-looking.”

“Uh.” Taehyung raises a hand. “About that. I’d like Y/N to weigh in on the question of who’s the best-looking.”

“Jungkook,” you say, automatic and six heads turn to face you. Jungkook does not react, except to smile. “Jungkook is the prettiest.”

At the front of the room, Namjoon groans. “That’s enough,” he says, waiting for the room to fall silent. “Squabbling isn’t why we’re here. Besides,” he adds, glancing at Seokjin and arching a brow. “I rather think power is the most attractive quality, no?”

Seokjin looks up at the ceiling. “There’s no power section in the Miss Universe pageant, Namjoon. That’s all I have to say.”

Namjoon’s lip twitches, leaning forward to counter. While the two of them bicker, you look at the rest of the room. Yoongi and Jimin sit closest to you and the doors. Yoongi clearly does not pay attention, staring at his phone and scrolling aimlessly through. Jimin is exactly the opposite – he watches you closely, staring between you and Jungkook with obvious concern. His stance is lazy, legs spread and one hand on his knee. He seems almost angry, but that does not make sense. You have done nothing to offend him – but then Taehyung moves, drawing your attention to him.

Hoseok and Taehyung sit across from one another and both of them look steadily at you. Hoseok is silent, leaning forward with both hands steepled under his chin. He observes you calmly, calculatingly; sizing you up in order to determine the level of threat you pose – Hoseok would be the one to restrain you, should it come to that. Taehyung sits opposite him, both in stance and in manner. He remains confident, overly so; his grin only widens when you roll your eyes at him and move on.

Seokjin is the last member you see, seated across from Jungkook’s empty chair. He watches you silently, almost like Hoseok. Unlike the former though, his expression is unreadable. His dark hair is styled perfectly back from his face and despite what you said about Jungkook, Seokjin is truly the prettiest in Bangtan. This is all a part of his game, though. Seokjin exists to lure others in, to make them forget themselves – to lull you into a false sense of security and get you to tell him everything. Then, he will crush you.

Seokjin smiles, rather unsettlingly before Namjoon cuts in.

“I apologize for the early morning meeting. It was unavoidable.” Here Namjoon pauses, tilting his head. “I received information earlier this morning from Min Yoongi.”

Yoongi raises a hand, continuing on with his phone.

Jungkook looks at him sharply. “What kind of information?” he asks, grip tightening on yours.

Namjoon’s gaze drifts to his. “Normally,” he murmurs, quiet. “I do not care who my members date.” Despite the content of this statement, there exists no malice in Namjoon’s tone. “So long as the relationship does not put my members, my organization at risk – I do not care who, or when they date.”

Taking a half-step forward, Jungkook shields you from view. “What,” he demands, voice low and dangerous, “is this, Namjoon? You swore she wouldn’t be hurt. You swore it.”

If you hadn’t been paying attention, you would have missed it. The second Jungkook steps, the others react. The movement is small, slight – but Hoseok and Taehyung pull back. This has happened before; Jungkook and Namjoon have fought and from the way the others react – it is not a pretty sight.

Namjoon nods, curt. “I did say that. I meant it. It’s only,�� he exhales – and for a moment, Namjoon seems tired. “I need to know you want this. Need to know you choose Y/N because if you do, there will be certain consequences which follow. We will need to deal with them, as they arrive.”

Jungkook does not react. “This is my decision,” he states, absolute. Then he looks at you. “This is your chance,” he says. “You can leave now, if you wish. No one here would stop you.”

The words are soft, but resigned. Glancing around the circle, you find that no one contradicts him. Returning to Jungkook’s gaze, you silently nod – you do not trust yourself to speak at the moment. There is not really a choice for you, not anymore.

The moment you agreed to come here, you knew what you were agreeing to.

Namjoon nods, seconding Jungkook’s motion. “Then it is done,” he declares. “We accept, we move forward.”

“Hang on,” Hoseok interrupts, leaning in. He glances from Namjoon to Yoongi. “What kind of information was intercepted? What consequences are you referring to? Is Y/N,” Hoseok says, upper lip curling, “a spy? Does she work for the police? What the hell did Jungkook sign us up for?”

Jungkook’s answering laugh is soft, dangerous. Hoseok’s eyes widen when Jungkook crosses the room and places a hand on his chair. “Do you really think,” he murmurs, words silken. “I wouldn’t know if Y/N were a cop?”

Hoseok’s gaze narrows, about to respond when Namjoon interrupts.

“There’s been a hit,” he responds, bored. He watches the entire room freeze, regaining their attention. “There has been a hit issued on Jungkook’s head.”

Slowly, Jungkook straightens. Glancing at you, his face remains drawn. “What for?” he queries, although you both know the reason.

Namjoon exhales. “It appears Y/N is rather well-known within the Vine. They saw her leaving our club and recognized her with you. A hit has been ordered for violating one of their women.”

When he says this, you bristle. “I am not,” you hiss, finding your voice, “one of their women.”

Namjoon’s gaze brightens, curious. “I understand. The facts remain though, that a hit has been ordered on a member of Bangtan. What I do not understand though, is why.”

When Jungkook looks at you, you nod. 

“Her brother,” he explains, facing forward. “Her brother is a member of the Vine. Y/N ran from them when she was younger – but it appears they have found her. I wish to offer her my protection.”

Namjoon exhales, as though he feared it would come to this. “A bold offering,” he says softly. “Does Y/N wish for our protection, in return?”

Meeting Namjoon’s gaze, you are surprised by what you see there. He does not seem surprised, though you imagine it would take a lot to surprise a man like him. Rather, he seems resigned; as though he has already mapped out this chess game in his head and this is merely the first move.

Rather than give off an impression of weakness, you lift your chin. “I do,” you say.

The moment you speak, Seokjin nods. “I offer.”

Hoseok follows suit. “I do, too.”

“I offer,” Taehyung nods, oddly solemn. 

It is surprising to you, how fast they agree – glancing at Jungkook, you begin to grasp the respect he commands.

Now, there are just Yoongi and Jimin. Yoongi glances up from his phone, scanning your frame. “The messages I received said nothing about Y/N being a spy. There is little data to support that conclusion. I offer her my protection as well.”

A tiny, bubble of hope swells within your chest – as all eyes turn to Jimin.

Jimin stares back, unreadable. “Your brother is a part of the Vine?” he asks, voice low. Jimin tilts his head to one side. “What is his name?”

You blink, about to answer when Jungkook steps in between you. “I do not think,” he states, holding Jimin’s gaze. “That is applicable. Not for this conversation.”

Jimin’s lips tighten, unsaid words passing between them. After a long moment of silence, he nods. The gesture is curt, before sinking even lower. “Fine – I offer Y/N my protection, as well.”

Namjoon exhales, relief clear on his face. “Then it is done. We offer Y/N our full protection as Bangtan – she will be inducted within the month.” Smiling grimly, Namjoon lowers his hand to the table. “Welcome to the family, Y/N.”

[Master List]

© kpopfanfictrash, 2017. Do not copy or repost without permission.

[onlymorelove]

fic:  the quality of mercy (1/1)

Title: the quality of mercy (1/1) Fandom: Teen Wolf Relationship: Liam Dunbar/Theo Raeken Characters: Theo Raeken, Liam Dunbar, Gabe, Mrs. Raeken Summary:  Liam tells Theo something he desperately needs to hear.

"You're not a monster, Theo."

"Are you sure?"

[Episode tag for S06E20: The Wolves of War] Rating: T  Read under the cut or on AO3. (Link has been fixed.) A/N:  Please note that since, thanks to a quick lesson from Deucalion, Theo took Tracy's and Josh's pain in Season 5 of Teen Wolf, I'm not interpreting Theo's inability to take Mason's pain as a lack of caring on his part. Sure, Mason said, "You can't take pain if you don't care," but that may have been out of spite, lack of knowledge, or the Teen Wolf writers not realizing they were violating their own canon.

If you read this, thanks. Feedback is treasured; constructive criticism is welcomed.

The quality of mercy is not strained; It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest; It blesseth him that gives and him that takes…

The Merchant of Venice, Act IV, Scene I William Shakespeare, 1564 - 1616

When he was five-and-a-half-years-old, Theo Raeken ran down the stairs of his family’s small house to do what he did every morning before he did anything else—say hello to Mr. Blue, his parakeet. But on that day, brushing the sleep from his eyes with impatient hands, Theo found Mr. Blue lying still and silent on the scraps of newspaper that lined the bottom of his cage, surrounded by scattered birdseed.

“Mom,” he called, “Come here.”

His mother walked out of the kitchen, drying her hands on a towel dotted with blue flowers. “Honey, we need to get you ready for school. I already have your breakfast on the table.”

“Mom,” he said again. “Why isn’t Mr. Blue moving? Or chirping?”

She stepped into the room and stood next to Theo, bending until she was level with the birdcage. After peering inside, she turned to Theo, her mouth turned down at the corners. “Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry...Mr. Blue is dead.”

“Dead? Does that mean he’s sleeping late today?”

With a sigh that ruffled Theo’s hair, his mother sat on the floor and pulled him down into her lap. “No, Theo. I wish that’s what it meant.” Her arms tightened around him, holding him closer. He didn’t mind. “Dead means that he won’t sing anymore or eat anymore or fly anymore when we open his cage door.”

“But we can make him not dead, right, Mom?” he asked, shifting in his mother’s warm lap to look into her soft, blue eyes. She was the prettiest girl he knew. Way prettier than his sister, who liked to roll her eyes and make faces at him whenever he asked to play with her and her friends. Prettier than every girl in his kindergarten class.

His mother’s hand shook a little when it brushed his hair out of his face. “We can’t. But we can think about him. And we can talk about him. Is there anything you want to say about or to Mr. Blue?”

“Like what?” Theo replied.

“Like goodbye, maybe?”

A tear spilled down his mother’s cheek; Theo smeared it with his thumb before speaking again. Why was she crying? “Bye, Mr. Blue. You’re a good bird. I like how you sing.” His mother smiled a tiny smile before rubbing a slow circle over his back.

“Goodbye, Mr. Blue,” she whispered, gently rocking Theo.

At eighteen, Theo found himself sprinting down a Beacon Hills Hospital hallway that was scented with a thick perfume of bleach, fear, and anger. Arm outstretched, he shoved Liam Dunbar ahead of him, trying to make sure he didn’t get shot by a stupid, confused kid named Gabe. (What a shitshow Theo’d turned his life into.) He got a bullet to the shoulder for his trouble and a near heart attack as he watched Liam risk his dumb ass anyway, trying to wrestle a machine gun away from Gabe.

That was Liam: brute force and a heart so fucking big it was all Theo could see or think about every night as he lay in his truck trying to pretend a mattress covered in cool, clean sheets cradled his tired body. (He’d never tell Liam that.)

When the shooting stopped, leaving a vacuum of eerie quiet, Theo’s eyes sought Liam. Liam, with the lips that smiled as easily as they frowned. Liam, who asked him questions and waited, listening like he might care about the answers. Always Liam. Theo’s eyes found him next to Melissa McCall, struggling to get up, his movements slow and stiff, but his heartbeat thrummed steady and strong, like the man Theo saw him growing into. A better man than Theo. Satisfied that Liam was fine, Theo filtered out the other sounds in his environment and cataloged the remaining heartbeats. That done, Theo’s attention turned to Gabe.

As he dragged himself on his belly, Gabe left a long, crimson smear on the hospital linoleum. The copper and iron scent stung Theo’s nose; he tried not to breathe too deeply. Blood.Theo hated it, having seen and spilled so much of it that the smell of it made his gut churn.

Gabe ended his painstaking pilgrimage and propped himself against a glass-walled cabinet. Blood dripped from his mouth and the gunshot wounds in his chest. His breath scored the air, harsh, labored, a dry death rattle echoing in his chest like claws scraped across slate. Theo didn’t know much, but he knew death and had witnessed it or caused it enough times to recognize the futility of thinking Gabe would survive his injuries.

“It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts,” Gabe said, the words rendered into an awful chant that ricocheted in Theo’s skull and yanked him back to the moment when Kira had used her sword, and his sister had dragged him down, deep into the bowels of hell. His nails had broken off as he’d scrabbled for purchase on the ground, knowing with a terrible certainty that no one would help him. Why should they?

Scott! Help me, Scott!

Theo gritted his teeth and let his claws emerge just enough to cut into his palm. The flash of pain punched him back to the present. Ignoring the blaze of heat sparking in his slowly healing shoulder, Theo walked to Gabe. Brows drawn together, Theo gazed down at the boy with the faint shadows ringing his eyes. A boy not so different from him—not so different from Liam, who’d fractured the earth to bring Theo back from hell. Who’d shown Theo more kindness than he’d ever expected. Certainly more kindness than he deserved.

The space around Gabe stank, sour with pain, fear, and the urine Gabe hadn’t been able to contain. It should have disgusted Theo; it would have disgusted Theo, once upon a time.

As Theo knelt, two tears spilled down Gabe’s cheek, adding salt to the mix of smells already coating the air. Throat and chest tight as the restraints the Dread Doctors had used on him, Theo watched this dark-haired boy with the haunted eyes, this fragile, wholly human boy without any supernatural healing abilities, as he struggled with the pain inflicted by people he’d trusted.

Gabe had chosen the wrong side; maybe he deserved the brutal consequences.

Theo had chosen the wrong side before, too; maybe he’d deserved the injections that burned like both fire and ice in his veins as the Dread Doctors strapped him down to a steel surgical table and sliced into him with their scalpels, again and again and again, while he screamed...until no more sounds crawled out of his raw throat. Until he learned pleading for mercy was about as useful as wishing he could rewind his life.  

Theo had lied. He’d manipulated. He’d killed. He’d turned his back on things like goodness, kindness, mercy, hadn’t he?

Still, with the weight of Liam’s gaze on him like a tangible thing, and each sure pulse of Liam’s heart an anchor at the edge of his awareness, Theo realized those things hadn’t completely turned their back on him.

Maybe, just maybe, if someone had been able to help him when it all started, back when he’d been a clueless, misguided child who hadn’t understood nearly enough about consequences as he’d thought he did...

But all the wishful thinking in the universe couldn’t unwind the tangled skein of the past. It was too late to save the boy Theo had once been; he only existed in his aching chest, where his sister’s heart beat, a constant reminder of his crimes. It was too late to save the broken boy gasping in front of him. Was there nothing he could do?

No god existed for Theo to pray to for help. God hadn’t been there when the Dread Doctors had come calling. God hadn’t been there when his sister had come to reclaim her heart. God hadn’t been there when Theo had helped the Doctors find fresh victims to test their findings on.

There was only Theo and the twisted, Frankenstein-like creature he knew he was.

He could fill volumes with what he knew about how to inflict pain. This time he wanted to take it—and not so he could steal someone else’s power along with it. He just wanted this boy not to hurt anymore. It hadn’t worked when he’d tried to help Mason. What had Theo expected? He’d been engineered to kill, not heal.

Still, if there was even a slim chance he could help Gabe, he had to try. He had debts he could never repay, after all. Perhaps he’d add this to the long list of his failures. Or perhaps—

Theo’s hands trembled as he clasped Gabe’s forearm, easing his sleeve up, trying not to add to his torment. Let me help him. Let me do this one good thing. Let me help him.  

Black ribbons snaked up Gabe’s arms and threaded through Theo’s. He stifled a gasp as the banked fire in his shoulder flared anew and swept through the rest of his body. The intensity of it made it impossible to ignore entirely, but Theo shoved it aside.

Gabe’s pulse was a light, thready thing under Theo’s fingers, fluttering like the wings of the butterflies his sister had loved; he knew it wouldn’t be long then.

“Does it hurt anymore?” Theo asked, and it didn’t sound like his voice.

“No.”

“Good.”

As Gabe’s agony continued to travel into Theo, Theo watched the light and the life in Gabe’s eyes dim until they were left, finally, dull and flat.

After placing Gabe’s arm in his lap as gently as he could, Theo sat back on his heels. Head bowed, breath shallow, he stared at his hands without seeing them. He felt himself start to shake, the adrenaline that had driven him since Scott’s phone call wearing off and leaving him feeling weak; he couldn’t afford weakness.

The air behind Theo shifted until a hand, calloused and warm, stroked across the back of his neck, settling at his nape. “Maybe I’m not a complete monster?” A hot flush splashed over his chest and rose up over his throat and cheeks when he realized he’d spoken his thoughts aloud, and even worse, colored the words like a question. For a moment, he almost wished the ground would open up and swallow him again. Almost.

Liam kneeled in front of Theo, and when his fingers left his neck Theo made a small noise in his throat. But Liam reached for him then, tugging him forward with one arm curved around his good shoulder and the other wrapped around Theo’s lower back. Touch, Theo knew, was synonymous with pain. But Theo went, unresisting, letting himself be pulled until his chest was flush against Liam’s.

He should let go. He shouldn’t lean on Liam. He shouldn’t tuck his head into Liam’s broad shoulder and turn his head in toward his neck, where his pulse drummed a little faster than it should. He shouldn’t inhale, long and slow, drawing the scent of Liam’s skin, which smelled like sweat, comfort Theo would never deserve, and wild, green, growing things, deep into his lungs.

He shouldn’t, but he did.

Touch, Theo knew, was synonymous with pain. But this—touching Liam—didn’t hurt.

“You’re not a monster,” Liam murmured, his lips brushing Theo’s forehead with each word he spoke. “You’re a chimera.”

“Are you sure?” Theo asked, hating himself for the way his voice wavered.

Liam drew back and lifted his palms to either side of Theo’s face, and when Theo looked up from the green of Liam’s shirt, his gaze caught in eyes as endlessly blue as he imagined the water in Mykonos must be.

Head tipped to the side, Liam said, “I’m sure.” Then he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss next to the corner of Theo’s mouth.

Theo ignored the shocked gasp that reached his ears. Sure, it wasn’t the kiss he had imagined when they’d been in the elevator, but they had an audience now. Even so, his sister’s heart beat embarrassingly fast, like a wild thing running in his chest, and his fingers twitched with the need to tangle themselves in Liam’s long hair and hold him in place for a kiss Theo could taste.   “You’re not a monster, Theo,” Liam repeated.

Look, I’m not dying for you.

Theo didn’t want to die. Not anymore. Not for anyone. But he would, for Liam. Oh, he would. He would. He would. He would.

Later, much later, after they’d done the necessary things like tending to the injured and burying the dead, Theo lay on the grass at the Beacon Hills Preserve, with his head in Liam’s lap. He closed his eyes against the vast blue of the sky and let himself be lulled until the world narrowed to the feel of Liam’s long fingers stroking through his hair and curving against his scalp.

Goodbye, Tara. Goodbye, Gabe. Goodbye, Tracy.  I’m sorry.  Goodbye, Josh. Goodbye, Mr. Blue. Goodbye, Mom. Goodbye, Dad. Goodbye...

A/N:  Thanks for reading! Please comment if you feel up to it. :) If you want to send me a prompt about Liam/Theo, feel free.    

[salarta]

I think Bunn sees Magneto as the primary focus, and everyone else is a satellite character. This means that Polaris becomes a simpering daddy's girl help meet, Scarlet Witch is always blamed for HoM for mutant savior angst, and Quicksilver is to provide a rival/enemy to make him look heroic. It debases and distorts them for Magneto, but again, that is all Bunn cares about. Like how Soranik (DC, Green Lantern) started to revolve around Sinestro (her father) when Bunn started to write them.

@allwillbeone said: Bc, it’s Cullen Bunn. I knew it.

I’ll be replying to two people at once here.

I don’t think Bunn has used Scarlet Witch or Quicksilver much yet, and we can’t say how he would treat them as a result. We’ve seen enough about Bunn’s view of Polaris and other women to say something about that though.

Lately, I’ve seen a lot of people say that Psylocke was basically turned into a foil for Magneto. I’ve seen similar said about Emma Frost’s depiction during X-Men Blue #8 and #9, that those issues largely presented Emma in a manner that was beneficial to Magneto at Emma’s expense.

Treatment of Polaris in various Bunn things itself has issues.

The end of the Magneto solo had two problem spots specific to Lorna: Lorna written as scandalized by Magneto putting any lives at risk to save the world, and Lorna getting sucker-punched by her dad in that she somehow supposedly never anticipated him trying to siphon all her energy like a battery to do the job all by himself.

Deadpool and the Mercs for Money had her appearance altered to have Magneto’s helmet and collar just in green. All by itself, in the right context, this can be a good thing. The Wolverine and the X-Men cartoon did it well. It becomes a problem when taken with the Magneto solo’s ending and the next thing: X-Men Blue.

Several months before it would release, Polaris’ return on X-Men Blue was touted as a meaningful thing, announced at a conference with an X-Men Blue #9 cover devoted to her. The senior X-Men editor also talked about her a fair bit then.

Then, in the following months, it all went silent. Bunn showed at least some excitement about getting to write Havok, and even brought him up at times in interviews, but he didn’t care enough to talk about Polaris at all. When the time came, he was eager to spend most of X-Men Blue #8 building up Havok’s prestige, letting him interact with other characters and implying he’s a threat.

What did Polaris get? The “honor” of being defined exclusively by who the men in her life are. Havok and Magneto. “She’s Magneto’s daughter!” “She’s going to mop the floor with her ex!”

Okay but why the fuck is she taking this action at all? What does she want in all of this? Does she just want to beat up her ex Havok and be her father Magneto’s puppet, or does she actually have a reason for her course of action? Why is she on this book at all?

And then we get to X-Men Blue #11. The conversation with her father was okay. She said a lot of words that look nice. But then she’s written as acting like she’s completely floored by the idea that the base is attacked, as if a woman who nearly died on Genosha and witnessed millions murdered in a surprise genocide wouldn’t have the sort of trauma that makes her expect an attack no matter how safe you feel. And this happened entirely so Magneto could “correct” her by saying the goddamn obvious.

Followed by Polaris getting easily defeated with the rest of the teachers, because Magneto got defeated too, and obviously if Magneto’s going down that easy then his “lesser” support Polaris will too. Can’t have Lorna showing up Magneto when they have the same powers, just like we couldn’t have her showing up Havok when he’s leader of teams she’s on.

Then I saw Blood Storm get multiple pages worth of backstory and effort to get inside her head that Bunn never once tried to do with Polaris and never will.

I think about things like Uncanny X-Men too. For that whole run, Bunn said he hoped to bring Polaris back, but all he ever did was have Sabretooth say she smells nice in passing.

Here’s the gist of things. When I started reading Bunn, I had concerns about some of his choices, but I chalked them up to Marvel interfering. I assumed pretending she never suffered through the Genoshan genocide was Marvel editorial being dicks. I assumed Bunn not getting Polaris on Uncanny X-Men was Marvel execs being dicks cause they didn’t want her on any books.

But after the past several months? I don’t think that’s what’s going on at all.

I think Bunn doesn’t care about Polaris or what she can offer except insofar as how it might benefit Magneto or other characters he actually cares about.

If Bunn cared about Lorna, he would’ve been excited to hype up her return for X-Men Blue #9 in the same way he did for Havok.

if Bunn cared about Lorna, then in X-Men Blue #9, he would’ve given her the sort of in-depth character history talk and inside-her-head bits he’s giving Blood Storm right now.

He wouldn’t leave everything she is to be defined exclusively by the men in her life and what outside characters like Jean Grey say about her. His writing decisions betray that he’s so far outside caring who she is, how she thinks, what she believes that he sticks to having Jean Grey exclaim the most basic of basic cliff notes. Stuff that doesn’t even matter and won’t get anyone to care about who Lorna is or what she’s doing on this book.

Nobody gives a shit about a character who seems to exist solely to be a foil for another character, especially a man. I saw it firsthand when I had to fix perception of Rosa Farrell from Final Fantasy IV. So, so many people saw her as a useless damsel in distress because they defined her solely by her relationship with Cecil Harvey.

It took several years of pointing out that Rosa wasn’t just a damsel Cecil had to rescue twice. She was a badass who crossed a desert crawling with monsters all by herself and only walked out of it with a sickness anyone could get. She was a compassionate mother figure who managed to help a little girl get over her fear of fire - a fear the girl had because fire killed her mother and destroyed her home village. She was a selfless defender who, when everyone else in her party was about to die, offered herself up as a sacrifice to save their lives.

But according to people who only defined Rosa by Cecil, she was just a pain in the ass that slowed your journey down. When a female character is defined exclusively by the men in her life, not by her own actual qualities, people start to think she sucks.

That’s what I see in Bunn’s treatment of Polaris so far. An attitude that she exists only to be defined by Magneto, Havok and other characters he actually cares about. Characters that aren’t her.

Bunn says a lot of nice things when he’s asked. Shoot him a message and he’ll say some great things. On his own, without someone asking him, he doesn’t volunteer the slightest bit of interest in Lorna. He doesn’t answer interview questions with “I have big plans for Polaris that involve her history on Genosha.” He doesn’t put out teases on Twitter hinting at potential stories he might be thinking of for her. He doesn’t do any of the things someone that actually likes Lorna would do for the simple joy of getting to do it and feeling eager to show it off to the world.

Look at Emma Dumont by contrast. She’s posting instagram photos of the Polaris figurines she’s bought. She’s geeking out over Lorna’s potential relationships. She’s sharing Polaris fanart, and doing interviews with green hair.

I don’t expect everyone, including a writer, to be as committed to Polaris as Emma Dumont, but there’s a massive gulf between Emma’s excited fandom and Bunn’s virtual wasteland of interest.

If Bunn isn’t interested in writing Polaris the actual character, and is only interested in writing Magneto’s daughter or Havok’s ex or X character’s rival, then I’d rather she not be on X-Men Blue at all. Bunn can find or create other characters to fill the roles he plans to use Polaris for. Let a different writer write her. 

At this point, I quite frankly think the only reason he says he likes her and wants her around is so he can use her to benefit other characters. Nothing to do with Lorna herself. He hasn’t shown me anything that suggests otherwise. He’s only said some stuff that does not match his actions.

[arabellaflynn]

I was supposed to be working on today's Monday Mystery right now, from a bed at MGH, where I had volunteered for what sounded like a pretty harmless study on glucose metabolism. Instead, I am at BPL Copley, struggling, and mostly failing, to stay conscious. I dealt with the 'fasting since midnight' part. I dealt with the 'no allergy medication' part. I only cheated slightly on the 'no caffeine' part, since without it I'd be incoherent and probably migraineous. (They didn't tell me 'no caffeine' the first time, just 'no calories', so I'd already shown up once last week and been sent home.) I even dealt with the first two stabs -- pun intended -- at the IV placement part, even though I hate it. The part I apparently cannot deal with is the 'show up at 8 am'. I did this last week, and horrible things ensued. It makes me massively emotionally unstable, among other things. If you've never sat at the kitchen table terror-crying like the world was going to end and legitimately not known why, it's a trip. Normally, if you ask someone why they're sobbing and they say they don't know, what that really means is 'I don't want to talk about it' or 'I'm embarrassed at crying over some stupid thing I would ordinarily shake off'. I asked myself what the hell was going on there and came up with a resounding, '.........?' I suppose it's easier, in a way, when I realize that there is literally no reason -- not even a foolish disproportionate one -- to be upset. This means that whatever is going on is some weird neurochemical thing and not my actual sanity leaking away. That doesn't really make it any easier to function, mind you, but it does stop me flopping around trying to find and solve problems that don't exist. I don't know if doing that last Monday was what joined forces with the yo-yo weather to give me three cracking migraines in a week, but I would not be surprised. I drugged myself into getting six-ish hours of sleep this time, since technically by their study guidelines anything I had before midnight was kosher, and I was taking Benadryl for itchy eyes anyway. It did not help. My natural sleep schedule is something like 4 am-noon. I can roll it back as far as maybe 10:30 am, but it takes me 60-90 minutes to get out of bed and do anything useful. I effectively spent three or four hours lying around in a dehydrated drug haze, and got about three hours of real sleep, which is not enough. I made it all the way up to the part with the blood draw without even stabbing a single nurse, but for some reason the IV placement just... did not work. She got a vein the first time, but nothing happened(?) I don't know how you can get a vein but not get any blood. I know I have blood, because they took my vitals and got a heart rate (72), a blood pressure (119/73) and an O2 sat (99-100). The first two are rather high for me, but again, don't like getting jabbed with things, and apparently that puts me into the normal human range. (I also got a dermal temperature of 97.6, which is about a degree high for me. I didn't mention that part, as I was already lying through my teeth about not having any chronic medical problems. Anecdotally, low body temp is apparently yet another symptom of EDS.) So she piled me in warmed blankets and tried the other arm, and when that didn't work, told me to keep the first arm under the blanket in case she had to go back to it... What? No. I have two arms. You get two chances. I already told you I have a history of going all vasovagal when people root around in my flesh with needles. I tapped out and told them this was exceeding my acceptable ratio for discomfort endured to money paid. (It was supposed to be $100 for 8 hours of my time, which is borderline to begin with; having sent me home once because they forgot their protocol made it $100 for 12 hours of my time, which I think is actually below the state minimum wage here.) They sent me off with some sort of breakfast anyway, which I've only eaten half of, mainly because being sleep deprived also makes me feel rather like throwing up. The last time I did this I bought a box of fucking ephedrine to cope, and you know what? It's not helping. I've had 37.5 mg of goddamn drugstore yellow jackets (plus a hospital bagel) and I'm falling asleep. It's a good thing I'm not driving, or I'd be a massive road hazard. I can only assume this is how other people feel when they have to work graveyard shift, and you know what? Doctors tell you not to do that. You have no idea how much like a useless failure it makes you feel when you can't even be a guinea pig properly. This is what wasteoid college kids do for beer money, for god's sake. I've already aged out of most of the good trials, and I'm ineligible for the well-paid sleep trials, because I can't get up this early for a week straight without completely decompensating. Never understood that one, especially the NASA-sponsored trials. You're running a 24-hour mission clock; don't you want someone who's legitimately awake to be watching your expensive space shit at midnight? from Blogger http://ift.tt/2nWoyua via IFTTT -------------------- Enjoy my writing? Consider becoming a Patron, subscribing via Kindle, or just toss a little something in my tip jar. Thanks!

[galimatios]

sci-fi au again but it’s some bastardized blame au feat. my twins

thinking about a bastardized blame au that borrows the setting of blame but with some minor differences, aka humans weren't dead for as long and silicon lifeforms are part of a disease that turns pure humans into half synthetic life, aka go feral go crazy some retain intellect tho, and pure silicon creatures are fully sentient and intelligent but im thinking of a society in which android labor was widespread, but bc humans were wiped by silicon corruption, there's huge populations of androids w/o purpose humans do still exist but they're not pure, most of them have varying levels of silicon corruption as well as varying resistances. it does grant these humans superhuman strength or healing though i kind of. wanna put rey and ray as twins in this au as bounty hunters aka humans who hunt down corrupted humans who've gone too far... but they also do odd delivery jobs and stuff likelihood is that they've been alive for Way longer than humans should be due to their own corruption they remember what life was like before things went to shit ray owned a restaurant and rey owned the bar on top of it as siblings they went thru hell together and back and this was their dream and. well. then shit changed but also aesthetic bc: rey with short hair, tank top, sci-fi ass gear and army boots she's also the Slightly Older twin and holds this to ray all the time they argue. Nonstop. sometimes they cant stand eachother bc dumbasses both have strong aggressive personalities but (and ive been thinking abt rey w a sibling for a while) at the end of the day they trust eachother bc they both had the same shitty mom and survived. they can do anything, they're Them? but the scourge... well. they're always upbeat. they have eachother after all, but sometimes when they're alone, ray gets nostalgic. a little wistful, a little sad "it was nice while it lasted, huh? not even a full ass decade, and everything came tumbling down." legs hanging off a ledge, the smell of cigarette smoke "wonder how dom's doing." rey doesn't want to talk about her. she steals the cig from his mouth and puts it out. "that shit ain't good for you." "the fuck? you smoke too you know." but rey's already leaving. neither of them know if dom survived. ray lost a best friend, rey lost a lover it's been two hundred years, maybe more. if she hadn't shown up, dead or alive, she's probably gone but the thing is, the megastructure is huge. so vastly huge and confusing, anything can happen. ray thinks one day she'll show up. dom is tough. she's out there somewhere. (END PROSE) also i just love the idea of rey being a heavy firearm user and she just has a huge laser cannon strapped to her back at all times ray thinks weird flex but ok he probably uses a device that resembles some sci-fi spear/rapier thing but it channels electricity so on his command he can roast shit and also override / destroy power structures as needed. both of them have mechanical skills, can hotwire stuff, they're too dumb for hacking so they usually just try to physically brute force shit (aka... hitting it until it works) ray... leather jacket and gloves. NOTED THO: organic materials are really rare and are either salvaged or synthetically created instead. so this is like fake ass bioengineered leather from one of the few bastions of semi-human life, a big city within the megastructure that's where rey and ray live... they actually do want to start a restaurant again but. i think they've sworn off it until they find out what happened to dom, bc she's the only person they've ever trusted with their dream so until then, bounty work ok wow i kind of love ray w a fucking. black electric rapier spike thing + black gloves and black jacket, leather fucking pants, DANGER BOY!!! then rey loves firearms but sometimes she JUST PUNCHES SHIT. SHE'S STRONG!!! fingerless gloves for the girl. cries I love my redheads

KEITH PROBABLY. WOULD BE A TRAINEE BOUNTY HUNTER/SCOUT AND PROBABLY HAS A MASSIVE CRUSH ON RAY LMFAO. ray is like lmfao (puts hand on head) u are So Short keith: kkkdjdjsjhdhdhfnfbfbfjgjfjfj rey voice god you have bad taste keith follows ray around like a puppy who wants to be helpful and ray doesnt particularly mind as long as he doesnt get in the way. but its like. this video (youtu.be/TJAqwSmbKJc)

SORRY KEITH HE LIKES HUNKS AND TWUNKS BUT UR TWINKISH TWUNK AT BEST but ray has a soft spot for him once keith proves he's actually super capable at his job puppy gets head pats god i wanna stick all my ocs in this au now jonah would be s service android who used to work for a family he really cherished but they were wiped out. so now he just. kind of drifts. AI technology is self learning so i believe at this point androids have largely gained sentience and semihumans treat them like one of them alister.... heh. fuck. i really want him to be an antagonist actually but a kind of misunderstood one. he's definitely the root of everything. he is probably the progenitor of the scourge and is a human mind implanted into a fully silicon body. who KNOWS how old he is in actuality he was a sick, dying child whose experimental treatment went horribly wrong but this silicon body is stronger, faster, better. he feels no pain anymore. he can walk and run. but he's also immortal. and he can't be with humans bc contact with him is toxic humans with weak resistances died immediately once the plague started. so all the humans left are those who resisted full corruption they went after the source of the plague, intending to kill to stop its spread but even when they did get to alister, they couldnt kill him and boy they tried! took him into labs and did horrible things! some succumbed to the plague from overexposure to him but nothing seemed to stop Alister decided he had enough, killed everyone in a haze, left, then decided to make silicon lifeforms he was lonely! all of them are precious to him and every time a hunter kills one, he mourns semihumans who become fully or mostly corrupted he considers part of his family too GOD I COULD MAKE AND PORT SO MANY OCS cade is about 60-70% corrupted. he's definitely in alister's ranks i gotta think tho bc i do want one pure human with the net terminal gene. probably hidden somewhere in one of those cryosomething freeze tanks idk if i have an oc pure enough to fit the role i gotta check my roster TO EXPLAIN THIS. you need the gene to access the netsphere the netsphere is like an evolved form of the internet that's sort of like heaven and also controls some things in base reality, like the robots that are in charge of automated construction of new structures- these have gone haywire which led to uncontrolled growth this is just canon material but my addition is that once alister went full silicon, he also unintentionally became connected to the netsphere without any real authority to do anything, but the system still detected a breach and it locked Everyone out after alister infected them originally only those of pure genetic pedigrees possessed the net gene haha i love caste systems but now they're all fucking Dead. i imagine life wasn't GREAT before the scourge but it was better than a semi-post-post scarcity environment where some places are uninhabitable so you have silicon life out hunting humans to protect alister, or just for territory, and security systems that have been tripped and now safeguards are running around killing everything that moves safeguards are like antivirus programs but like. in base reality

GOD ALISTER GROWN UP BUT LIKE EVIL AESTHETIC. ALL BLACK EVERYTHING. he definitely has morphing skills, he can connect himself to technology and easily control it bc hes not organic, innocent boy is now twisted and sitting on his throne of black, corrupted human bones truthfully though alister just... wants to successfully turn more humans into silicon so he can make friends and be happy it's sad that they don't usually survive. hundreds of years of loneliness dulled his moral compass the silicon close to him feel like they're not enough they are hideous but fully sentient and intelligent with the same emotions as humans but ig to alister it's not the same. he still loves them but. he truly was human in the past in the end silicon can't truly replace flesh alex... is a high level safeguard with sentience unlike the low level automated ones that attack everything fuck ALEX OF ALL MY OCS TAKES THE PLACE OF KILLY IN CANON THE FUCK he'd probably operate differently tho. way more compassion

"once i find the net terminal gene, most likely the system will begin to purge all impurities. any and all corrupted will likely die. ... but i see no reason to shorten the life of a man already dead." this includes the humans with resistances. people like rey, ray, keith all resistant humans are <50% corrupted. they cannot be allowed to live bc there is a chance exposure to toxic materials or alister will continue the process but i think alex would change his mind and try to find a way to cure it using the net terminal gene he makes friends with the bounty hunting group, aka keith and the twins... and eventually they will find dom and. oh god what if dom is 80+ percent corrupted what if they have to put her down I AM MAKING MYSELF UPSET

BUT FUCK IT WPULD BE A GOOD CATALYST FOR ALEX TO CHANGE HIS MIND ABOUT LETTING ALL THE CORRUPTED DIE AHHHHH also alex in an all black suit with a little cyan neck ribbon I LOVE MY OCS SORRY I ALSO LOVE BLAME AND SCIFI FUCK ME UP anyway i think im done for now but ughghfjgh im thinking about this for days