#how else am I supposed to function
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#it do be like that#I need my fanfic bedtime stories#how else am I supposed to function#vicious ve schwab#villains trilogy#Hannibal#house md#gay fandoms#who are you#gay#yaoi torment nexus#this situation is quite…#queer#🚬🧐🔎#(said while readjusting my monocle and taking a drag on my pipe)
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#the rings of power#trop season 2#NOT 8 AM THATS THE WORST LMAOO#I do at least wanna watch the first episode when everyone else does#so I'll for sure watch 2x01 at 8am#BUT THEN HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FUNCTION AT MY SHIFT LATER?!#I mean I never function at work lol brain full of only trop
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One of the interesting bits of trying to resume working on the game after so long is looking back at my ancient Draft Placeholder versions of an image from 4 yrs ago trying to remember what the hell I meant back then, to hopefully interpret it into some more final (ish..) form of the same thing .. making slow progress lol
#At this point I've decided it's just a consistent design decision to have the sketchy slightly wonky sort of art ghbjj#I simply don't have the digital art skills/tools/patience (mostly that) to do 100% digital things and have a Clean Polished Professional#Neat Looking Perfect Crisp Lines sort of thing like one would see in most games. I'm drawing everything in pencil half decently (not strict#ly making sure every line is straight or that the perspective even makes sense) and then scanning it in and coloring it on the computer#and that's about it. In another world I could hire an artist or two to do professional backgrounds and charcter art or etc. - but as I am#a mere penniless peasant hermit with functioning issues who has to do every aspect of everything themselves - I'm just going to do#what is possible within the time frame/my ability/etc. and then just be like ''ah you see! actually this is intentional~ it has a homemade#crafty hand drawn sort of charm about it - yes? this was the direction all along!!'' LOL#Which for the record I'm not like complaining that it's necssarily Bad or anything - more just I suppose not the Professional Polished#style you Typically see in a lot of things - again the like - sketchy unclean lines of it all.#(like I think usually people use some sort of symmetry tool to make sure that all sides of a box are neat and clean and have that#Professional Game Art type of feel about them - rather than 'this is a scan of scraggily pencil lines in which I did not even bother to use#a ruler or try to get them all that even' lol). So it's not that it's BAD really.#just I think.. perhaps ''unconventional'' compared to the examples of other#games I've looked at. BUT. the point is to convey an idea. I think your art has failed if you do not convey a concept properly. But so#long as it meets your purposes and is not SOO cluttered/scribbly that nobody can even tell what's going on (unless that IS your intention)#then like.. I think it's fine. You can tell a house is a house even if it's not polished. No worries. (<convincing myself)#ANYWAY.. also 'Nanyevimi Market Quest' is still SUCH a placeholder name but I genuinely can never think of anything else so#I've just been going with it for now ToT... There's no distinct actual throughline story/plot so there's no 'theme' to base a title#around. Kind of like how 'The Sims' is just called the sims because naming it like 'Sims: Downfall Of Pleasantview' (one of the#towns in TS2 i think) would be a weird misname since what happens in the game totally depends on what you choose to do with it#So you can't really name it anything THAT specific (a player might not even choose to have a house in Pleasantview. what then? etc).#So it's just like..uh well...GENERALLY speaking.. everyone is uh.. on a personal quest..vaguely.. which takes place in a Market street full#of shops.. and you are mostly talking to shopkeepers... BUT it's not just a Market Quest since it's also in a fantasy world.. so we need to#give the fantasy world name.. and that's about it. I'm just at a loss for anything else. Maybe the like 2 and a half playtesters I#manage to scrounge up will have better ideas ghhh.. 'Nanyevimi Quest: Get To Know Some Shopkeepers' 'Find A Job In Fantasy World' you could#say 'Market Adventure' but some would argue just having a bunch of conversations and wandering around is not much of a real adventure.#don't want to set people up for thinking there's any drama or combat or anything. 'Do Menial Errands For Mentally Ill Elves Simulator' ghjg#(also sidenote: the '''chibi'' style versions of the characters on the menu screen....EVIL.. that style is SOOO hard for me to draw in for#some reason.. I just can't get the proportions right/have trouble fully ''simplifying'' the design.. took me HOURS lol... aUGHh)
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there are too many thoughts inside of me at all times.
#hello friends hope you all are doing well. my words have been abandoning me lately.#I talk a lot and feel like I say nothing. it is truly frustrating.#meanwhile I am doing a bible word study and realizing that all the things I have realized in the past might be valid#(namely the way that a lot of people in my church tradition try to reduce biblical concepts of 'peace' to a sort of inward emotional state#and that's not actually a great way to interpret the biblical concept of shalom. like at all. and massively cheats a lot of communities out#of the actual practical real-life extension of the kingdom and how it's supposed to function)#also I had a minor crisis a few days ago when I looked at a boy who I know only vaguely and thought 'oh. shoot. he's cute.'#I am not used to having these sorts of thoughts or at least not to acknowledging them to myself#not sure why I'm telling tumblr this but I have no one else to tell it to and I feel like I should get it out of my system lol :')#ok logging off again gotta eat some noodles and finish this assignment with is already late#I will see you guys at a later date#(probably not too much later tho bc it is spring break and I am unfortunately stuck at college and there are very few other people here :')#gurt says stuff
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i have a fanfic/universe rewrite in my head of a transformers series and if I ever hunker down and work on it these two will be irrevocably linked together in my head for it
#like my idea of him being a near incomparably unnaturally powerful person who swears complete loyalty to megatron to control and aim him#it just fits perfectly with the song#like my idea is that he was a gladiator slave of the quintessons early on in the cybertron civil war before the Optimus Prime is the leader#of the main political faction of the planet and megatrons war is true and just who is freed by megatron from enslavement and experimentatio#of the quintessons leading to him having the ability to functionally produce infinite energon which can be transferred to his hands for his#P.O.K.E. for potentially unlimited destructive force#after being freed swearing unerring loyalty to Megatron who he views like a god who he believes can truly control the weapon hes been made#he is fully loyal to megatron (not the decepticons) until he dies and becomes galvatron#after some time he fully realizes this isnt his god and upon realizing the control of Unicron is apart of a major assault against the plane#single-handedly destroying thousands of terrorcons and melting miles of the surface just trying to dig his way to unicrons spark to kill it#transformers#transformers animated#tfa#transformers lugnut#lugnut#robot#music#kyle stibbs#the opposite of icarus#character songs#i might also think about making lug trans or genderfluid or something to include Clobber from cyberverse#god i need to work on this#how else am i supposed to get strangers to potentially obsess about this horrible series i hate and want to completely rewrite because i ha#it so much#like i made a basic theology to make unicron and primus ironic foils for each other thats not even remotely important to the plot or world#only kinda to explain why these dead transformers are coming back to life and why the zombies exist#Youtube
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Not me letting out a real, honest-to-God whimper at my desk upon rewatching the video of That Line
#I’m not well#I’m alllll fucked up about it#thank God no one else was in the office#HOW am I supposed to function normally#daredevil#ddba#daredevil: born again#daredevil born again
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yt searched sabres vs vegas and the first results was ‘Shootout Full’ fucking spoiler
#ok it MIGHT be my fault but also how else am I supposed to find the highlights if not through the search function#WHY HAS THE SHOOTOUT BEEN UPLOADED BEFORE THE GAME#sabres lb
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I went to the dentist, and for context my dentist is hilarious, super charismatic kinda crazy (all dentist are) and he's in my mouth and inspecting my teeth and the conversation goes as follows:
Him: *Fingers and instruments all up in my mouth* Looks really good! Except for they are SUPER...
Me: aineh?
Him: Yes, 'stained'. Aesthetically they are still fine, but I wonder- I don't see this long term build up often. How'd you do that?
Me: Aye ink ea. (I drink tea).
Him: Run that by me again?
Me: Aye. Ink. Ea.
Him: *fucking with me* hm?
Me: Ea!
Him: *Fingers still in my mouth* Ea? You're going to have to say that a bit loud-
Me: *At the top of my lungs, closing my eyes and screaming* EA!! AYE INK EAAAA!!! EEEAAAAAAAAA!!!
Him: *Now laughing like a maniac* Ea!
Cheeky bastard, he's lucky he's the best dentist I've ever met so he can get away with his tomfoolery.
#Am I the only one who chain-drinks tea?#I have at least three cups each morning and three cups at night how else am I supposed to function?#The theory is clowning and dentistry are just the same profession#tea time#black tea#dentist#tomfoolery#my teeth are stained but oh weeellll
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gtws everybody
#im going insane#i can never be normal ever again#ever its not happening#how am i supposed to function for the rest if my days#i just know everyone else is in the same boat too#trafficblr is just collectively losing our shit. as we should#secret life spoilers#goodtimeswithscar#elfy talks
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i've been thinking about chronic pain and the fact that just because you're technically physically capable of doing something it doesn't necessarily mean that you should or that it's good for you. like i'm always telling myself that i'm being dramatic about how much pain i'm in or how tired i always am because i can study full time and hold down a stable job and i manage to pull through every day so i'm fine. but then it's like. i don't have any hobbies i don't eat or sleep well at all i'm always in so much pain and i'm miserable because i don't have time to do anything but work and study. and i always wonder how everyone else has the time to socialise or do what they enjoy or cook and clean in between. and it's because i don't have the same energy levels as them so when i do an entire day of uni and work i feel like i need an entire month to recover physically but i don't have time to do that because my schedule doesn't allow for it so i just keep on going until i get sick and then have to take a week off work because i'm too exhausted to function. so like yeah i can work and study like a "normal" person but it's really really tiring and painful. i automatically tune out pain and i've been doing that most of my life because i'm seen as able bodied and expected to act as such because no one has ever listened to me when i tell them i'm in pain so i just force myself to keep going and tell myself it's all in my head. but like. maybe the fact i'm in so much pain all the time and i'm so insanely tired is because i'm operating at the same pace as someone who doesn't have anything wrong with them when i do in fact appear to have lots wrong with me even if i don't know what it is
#i know some of this is endo but it feels like something else is going on too but i don't know what it is#and doctors don't care or listen so i don't know what i'm supposed to do#but GOD i wish i could explain how much pain i'm in all the time and how tired i am#everything drains me so much physically and i do not know why#it definitely started after i left high school but it's gotten way worse since i got covid a few years back#and now it's just like. i guess i'm just like this now like i guess i just can't function anymore ????? why ??????
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#hmm its been an interesting week i suppose#very busy in a good way. but that is always how it starts. i make myself so busy and it feels good and then i wobble and fall out of my body#so im feeling wary. also bc ive been under sleeping more than ususal but im not really tired but im also not boiling out of my skin with#energy. i just feel ok. so thats good. but also a demon in the back of my head is always like: then stay up all night. lets see how far we#can push this. which is not good. and in fact ive been proscribed like basically emergency mood stablizers to knock me out if i start like#losing my mind and not sleeping lol. bc i dont wanna b getting ready for something big and like completely unavailable to control my#ability to think. and ive also been proscribed birth control to get a handke on my fucked up hormones. so we'll see if that makes things#less all over the place. hopefully it works bc im so busy i kinda dont have time to like freak thr fuck out#but i am a lil apprehensive bc like i can count on my hormones to make me feel things when a lot of the time i dont have much emotional#range. so its like fuck finally i can cry abt this. or like fuck this is so beautiful. but then i also cant function sometimes#so i guess i just gotta see what happens. sigh. also the typical frustrating in having to read so much. like ppl hear im dyslexic and r like#oh do u want accommodation? like literally wtf r u gonna do to help me as a grad student? it just takes an agonizing amount of time to#understand thing. i have my computer read to me and i suffer. theres literally nothing else to b done abt it. and fucking next week i have#to teach a fucking lab abt reading scientific papers. they have to read a paper in class. fuck off. those r the types of exercises that make#me feel so fucking stupid. like do this thing right now. read it right here and answer questions abt it. and i fucking read it and retain#fucking nothing. im fucking 26 and literally in my grant writing class i have to apologize to every person before i give them feedback like#lol sorry i can barely fucking read. i fucking cant understand language. its fine but it sucks. theres nothing to do abt it. it just makes#me mad i have to teach a class that would have made me cry as an undergrad. so ill prob hold their hands thru it more than the other TAs#will. bc fuck u im not making them read a whole fucking paper in class. fuck u#plus the frustration of not being able to express myself well in thr moments. like theres a delay in my brain so i feel so dumb when im#trying to convey myself off the top of my head. like give me time and ill write it all out for u i just cant actually process wtf ur saying#to me. also i probably spaced out for a sec so i missed part of the convo lol. frustrating but at this point its just how it is. it makes me#more empathetic when i have to teach i guess. like listen ive got all kinds of fucking learning probs i just wanna help u learn something#how can i help? fucking dyslexia. god. i dont wanna prep for class this weekend. ive gotta show up like yea i kno reading papers is hard at#first but it gets easier! fuck u. its worth the suffering if i enjoy to topic but its always suffering. but thats what i get for going into#academia. thr dr who proscribed me stuff was like well sounds like u have a stress trigger and ur a phd student where life is stress... u#gotta figure out whats gonna work for u. sometimes thats a career change. not in like a pushy way just like: if what u do makes u suffer#then wtf r u doing? and hes got a point. but in contrast to what i was doing this is a massive improvement#well see if its manageable. ugh. i just wanna draw#unrelated
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I’m not autistic but I took this just because I don’t have anything else to do right now and it went to this question while I am literally sitting here with my notebook open to my lists page on my lap lmfao
If you don’t know your score, take the test here
#gltownsend#This actually is a practically useful list (list of nonfiction science writers) but I do also keep useless lists#I just thought it was a funny coincidence#But I do think all of the examples are useful so I don’t really understand that#those are all things I would keep lists of and I think they’re all useful#Anyway I have an ethical problem with this test as an indicator of autism symptoms because it is very innacurate#because I scored a 203 and I am not autistic#but I suppose my anecdotal evidence holds no weight compared to an actual study#(screaming at myself from outside the corner of the screen: your sample size is nonexistent and your conclusion is invalid!!!!)#but yeah anyway this test is not valid taken independently (ie without a psychologist there to explain the questions to you)#so it’s just for fun not an actual indication#okay rant over I’m not trying to explain this to anyone else I just want people to know that /I/ know#ugh I’m wording this super badly#I just want to acknowledge that this isn’t an accurate test without a psychologist administering explaining and accommodating#and since the deciding factor is actually how severely your traits affect your ability to function in daily life#you could score highly on this test but if your traits don’t impede your ability to live a normal life or engage with other people socially#you wouldn’t have autism#because then it’s not a disorder it’s just what you’re like as a person#the same thing is true in the inverse#you could score low but still be autistic#because even though you don't have many separate symptoms the ones you /do/ have impair your ability to function as normal#so it's quite a bit more complicated
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nothing brings a late 19th/early 20th century latinist as much joy as writing „a first latin reader“. Except maybe doing it badly.
#I know that theyre supposed to prepare the student for reading caesar but have you considered i dont care about the roman military as much??#Please talk about anything else. I will read your extremely simplified text about stoicism and seneca. I will read your story about a monkey#that kills a newborn (accidentally or maliciously) I will read about how build roads. Tell me again how your money works. But please stop wi#th the invasion of britain the gallic war and… honestly I don‘t mind reading about the parthian campaigns or the punic wars. theyre interest#ing. Or tell me about elections and how the senate functioned and stuff which introduces a student to the wider ideas and workings of rome#you know?? invite them into the field and show them many things so that interest may spread and grow.#Im currently reading so many latin first readers simply because I can and I am fed up
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trying to make myself feel better yesterday by thinking that it'll be fine I'll just have to lose a day like fucking usual but no don't think that it won't be fine don't ever think that things are fine
#I'M SICK OF THIS#it has to be on purpose. she knows that it's not enough. she's said it herself. I haven't even explained properly that I was hoping#to really try to rest. which I actually haven't been because of [gestures broadly at past few weeks]#and it's like she KNOWS and she's trying to sabotage me. by making sure that I'm too out of it to function#why? so I can't do anything? so I'm so passive that she can do whatever she likes to me? so that I can't make my exit?#with all of this. it would just be easier to kill myself. coward's way out but how am I supposed to do anything else
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#bear with me im just gonna rant#i just dont understand how im supposed to function in this economy#how are people working 40 hours a week and keep themselves happy and alive#i am working 20#and it feels like i have to choose between doing things that make me happy and doing the tasks that keep me alive#im just so tired#i just want my time to be mine and not someone elses#like is there something wrong with me that i cant function this way#i really hope theres a way out because this just aint it
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Bonus Flats (for the most part)
How Can I Save You, Stardust?
#fun fact: the name for the sketches of this piece was ‘two peas in a pod’#and i alternatively could’ve called the finished product ‘how am i supposed to help you now stardust?’#(as in ‘how am i supposed to help you if i don’t know what to do?’)#it’s kinda supposed to represent how closely intertwined these two are now in longer than necessary#because siffrin at this point really needs loop to function. they’re the only thing keeping him sane anymore#and vice versa to be completely honest#but while loop has been cursed to remember most of the loops#siffrin has been slipping through the cracks in his own memory for a long time now#it’s been way too many loops. to the point they’ve lost count of the exact number#and to the point loop now has to keep track of how long they’ve been stuck through other means#either way. humans aren’t supposed to have so many memories crammed into their heads#it’s no wonder they keep forgetting; older memories keep falling away to make new ones.#but since siffrin needs loop and loop needs siffrin... loop has no choice but to help him with more than the loops#just to ensure that they don’t completely lose him forever. who else is going to talk to them? and if they leave…#who else is going to hold siffrin’s hands? rest their hands on his cheeks to ground him? they need each other so much ahh#anyway. shoutout to junji ito’s uzumaki for showing me the inherent fucked up nature of spirals /silly#in stars and time#in stars and time au#isat au#isat loop#isat siffrin#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#just in case tag#longer than necessary au#ltn au#zeisty’s heavy hitters#in stars and time loop#in stars and time siffrin
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