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the-cult-of-russo · 3 years

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Biggest regret (part 2)

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

A/N: Quite a few of you guys wanted a part two to this one. Mixed angst and fluff kind of? So... I didn’t wanna rush this one and it kind of got away from me. I want to do a part three to it which will be where the main fluff begins if you guys are interested.

Warnings: cursing, angst, sadness, fluff kinda

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Nervous didn't even begin to cover how Billy felt now he was back stateside. He was on his way home after a successful mission and his thoughts were consumed with you and the baby. He hadn't been able to think of much else. He didn't regret sending the letter but he was vulnerable now. He'd put himself out there and he hated how out of control he was with the situation.

There was every chance you wouldn't even get the letter. You could have easily moved since the last time he spoke to you and you'd never know he'd tried to reach out. And of course he had the resources available to track you down if needed but it felt wrong to do that. Although if he got desperate enough he knew he was selfish enough to do it.

He wasn't sure what would be worse; you never getting the letter or you getting the letter and ripping his heart out. Hypocritical, he knew, after what he'd done to you. But he wasn't sure how he'd handle it. There were too many variables for this whole thing and it set him on edge. Even if you got the letter it didn't mean you'd respond. And if you responded it didn't mean it would be anything he'd like to hear. You could be telling him to go fuck himself, which he'd wholeheartedly understand, but it would hurt nonetheless.

He didn't dare get his hopes up. He knew that the very best he'd probably get was the bare minimum information about his kid. Name and age, if that. And while it may not be a lot, it would mean the world to him but he wasn't holding his breath for even that.

He felt like a string pulled taut ready to snap as he made his way to his apartment. He made a beeline to the mail room and unlocked his mailbox and grabbed the stack of letters. He knew it was stupid as he held his breath and flicked through the envelopes. He tried so hard not to get his hopes up yet he hadn't been able to help it. There was a bunch of junk mail and more formal business-like things. But then a handwritten envelope had his heart stopping completely. He'd know your handwriting anywhere. He stared at it for a long moment and all he could hear was the blood rushing to his head. So much hung on what you'd say in this letter and it left him open to complete and utter heartbreak. He felt sick.

Deciding to open it upstairs so he'd be able to have a mental breakdown in peace, he all but ran to the elevator and made his way up to the top floor. It felt like it took a year to get there and he made quick work of getting inside his apartment. The other mail got tossed on the counter, forgotten and not important and he walked over to his sofa before sitting on it. He placed the letter on the coffee table, glaring at it as he wrung his hands. He was genuinely terrified of what was inside. He'd faced so much in his life, fought literal wars. Yet this was the most scared he'd ever been.

He jumped off the sofa, going in the kitchen and grabbing a bottle of whisky before he went and sat back down, his leg bobbing up and down without even noticing. He didn't need a glass and instead just took a large gulp before he set the bottle down. He needed to stop being such a little bitch and open the damn thing. With shaking hands, he grabbed the letter and opened it. He pulled out the paper, unfolding it as his heart thumped wildly in his chest. The first thing he noticed were the few splotches of now dried wetness on the page that had the ink bleed slightly. You'd cried when writing this and his heart seized up.

Billy,

I was surprised to hear from you, I won't lie. At one time I expected it. When I was pregnant I kept expecting you to call or turn up here or something, but as the months went on I realised it wouldn't happen. Better late than never though, right?

Ouch. You weren't wrong but it stung all the same. He imagined you, scared and pregnant and alone and hoping he'd turn up and be the man you needed and it hurt him more than he felt comfortable with.

It kind of hurts that you think I'd withhold information about our baby from you. I thought you knew me better than that. I thought a lot of things though and I was wrong so I'm not surprised. You were the one that walked away from us, I'd never be petty enough to keep you away just because of what happened with us.

He did know you well enough but he hadn't been able to stop his mind going there. Because he knew deep down he didn't deserve you bothering with a reply for how he abandoned you. He knew he was asking for too much. He shouldn't have been surprised you'd reply since you always went above and beyond for him. He never deserved it. Not then and certainly not now.

I won't sit here and lie to you. It crushed me when you walked away. I was terrified to tell you when I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't sure how you'd react. A part of me thought it would end the way it did but… I really hoped it wouldn't. I held out too much hope and I see that now.

You thought he was a better man than he was. Gave him too much credit. It stung like a bitch that he'd hurt you this much. He never wanted to hurt you.

The pregnancy was tough. I was in and out of hospital and I was really sick. Then I had issues at the end with the placenta. I had to go through all of it alone and I stupidly wished you'd just magically turn up every time I ended up back at hospital.

His lower lip wobbled and he sneered at himself. He should have been there. He should have held your hand and told you it would be okay. You shouldn't have had to go through any of this alone.

We have a little girl. I called her Delilah. I know you might not like the name but it was left down to me and I liked it. I think it suits her.

A girl. His chest ached and his hands trembled, eyes filling with tears and a sad smile spread on his face. He had a little girl. And he loved the name. You could have called her something ridiculous and it wouldn't have mattered to him.

She came early. With all the issues with the pregnancy she ended up being a month premature. She was tiny. I was terrified she wouldn't be okay. I couldn't even hold her right away because she was in an incubator. I was so scared, Billy.

A choked noise left his lips and a few tears leaked down his cheeks. What had he done? He left you at your most vulnerable and his baby had been sick. And what had he been doing? Living his life like nothing had happened. He made himself sick. ‘I was so scared, Billy. I was so scared, Billy. I was so scared, Billy.’ He could practically hear your voice saying those words. Hear how it would waver like it did when you got upset. Hear the hurt and fear in your voice. He should have been there.

She's four months old now and she's doing amazing. She's such a happy baby. It's like all she does is smile. She has your eyes and my hair. She mostly looks like you though.

He sniffled, wiping his eyes with one hand as he gave a watery smile. He tried to imagine what she looked like. A mix of you both. She'd be perfect. It eased him a little to know she was okay now, that she wasn't sick anymore. He hadn't expected you to give him so much information but it made his heart swell that you were. As always, it was way more than what he deserved.

When I got your letter, I think I didn't stop crying for hours. A mix of hurt and relief, I guess. I'd be a liar if I said there wasn't any bitterness. I went through everything alone and now you just turn up because you're ready. I didn't get that luxury, Billy. I didn't have a choice. It was either have my baby or not, there was no walking away until I felt ready for me.

His chest felt even tighter and your disappointment only fueled his self hatred about the whole thing. You weren't exactly wrong and he'd been a coward.

I won't hold it against you though. It might take time to fully forgive you but I won't make you suffer. You're still her dad and I'd never deny either you or her that right. The fact that you even want to be part of her life at all means alot to me. I never wanted to have that talk with her when she was older about why you walked away.

It was bittersweet. Knowing you were extending an olive branch and letting him in even after all this time. But the knowledge that you'd been worried about what to tell your daughter when she was older hurt him. It was exactly what he didn't want. He never wanted her to feel unloved by him.

I sent you a few pictures and they're yours to keep.

He set the letter down instantly and scooped up the envelope, he hadn't noticed anything else in there in his haste to read the letter. But he pulled out a few Polaroids and his heart squeezed painfully in his chest.

The first was of you. You were in the mirror standing sideways with the Polaroid camera in one hand. You only had on leggings and a bra and your bump was pretty big, cradled by your other hand. You looked so beautiful and he couldn't believe he'd missed out on this. Couldn't believe he'd walked away from you. The writing at the bottom had '7 months inside' written on it and his thumb stroked your bump as he wished he had been able to do in the flesh. With a heaving sigh and heavy heart, he set the picture down to look at the next.

The second was of a tiny baby in an incubator. She had on a knitted pink hat and she looked so tiny and small. A sob left his lips then as he gazed at her. She was beautiful but so fragile and he hadn't been there. His job was to protect her and he hadn't been there. He could only imagine the pain you'd been in going through that alone. In your writing at the bottom in black ink was the date and her name. His breathing hitched as he read 'Delilah Russo'. You gave her his last name. He hadn't expected that at all and he found a rush of joy and pride flooding his system as he openly cried at the picture. She was so fucking tiny and he remembered you saying you hadn't been able to hold her right away. He knew it must have killed you.

His hand set it down shakily as he looked at the next. His little girl was still small but you were holding her now. You looked tired and like you'd lost a lot of weight. It hurt him deeply. Yet despite that you had a look of pure love and happiness on your face as you stared down at the little bundle in your arms and it made him cry all over again. He idly wondered if his own mother had ever looked at him that way when he was born but he highly doubted it. It stirred something deep inside of him to see how much you adored her.

The last picture seemed more recent and was of Delilah all on her own. She was propped up by pillows and had a cheeky smile on her face, her grubby little hands holding a stuffed blackbird. Oh... He thought the tears were done but apparently not and he hated himself so fucking much. All these little things in his honor were killing him because it was clear that no matter what he'd done to you, you still tried to have him in your daughters life somehow and that shit hurt. The writing at the bottom said '3 months outside' and he smiled through his tears.

She was so fucking beautiful and you hadn't lied that she had your hair and his eyes. Dark pools of almost black were staring back at him through the picture and it was a foreign sensation to see a mini version of him. The one difference being she was happy and well loved and he wanted nothing more for her than that.

He stared at the picture for what felt like forever as he took in every little detail in her chubby little face, committing it all to memory. All of these pictures were special to him and way more than anything he thought he'd get in response to his piece of shit letter but he was grateful. He slipped the last one into his wallet before picking the letter back up to finish it.

I'm glad you reached out now and not later. She's still only a baby, too young to really remember any of this. It would have been harder to have you in her life later and have her be too confused at who you are. It's gonna take time and patience, she's not used to you, but if you'd like then I'd like you to meet her.

He felt like he stopped breathing altogether for a moment. You want him to meet her. You'd let him… he broke down, sobs mixed with pure pain and guilt with the sheer relief that he'd actually get to meet his little girl. He never thought in his wildest dreams you'd gift him that and he felt so overwhelmed he didn't think he'd be able to stop crying. He was a far cry in that moment from the man he knew himself to be.

I won't put pressure on you to meet her if it's too much but I will say this. You're either in or out with this. You can't decide to come into her life and then leave again, Billy. I won't let it happen. You broke my heart and there's no way in hell I'm letting you break hers. Really think about this before you contact me because you need to be fully ready for it. I won't have you half ass this, okay? If you're really ready to be her dad then call me. If not, I'll understand and I'll leave you with the pictures. It's your call, but don't fuck it up.

Y/N

He laughed, the sound watery and pained but he couldn't help it. Something about you being so protective over your baby made his whole chest bloom with warmth. And while it hurt him that you had to warn him at all, he knew he deserved it. He'd walked away once before and you wouldn't let it happen again. It killed him to read that he broke your heart even though he already knew. But you were protecting your kid. His kid. And it only made him love you harder at you not taking any shit.

Your number was scrawled at the bottom of the letter and he wanted to call right away. He didn't though. He would respect your wishes and think about it, at least mull it over for tonight. He knew without a doubt he wasn't planning on walking away, no matter how hard it may be down the line. He had no intention of hurting his girl. But you asked him to think hard about it and he'd give you that. Just the notion that you'd allow him to meet her had his head spinning.

It wouldn't be perfect by any means. He'd hurt you beyond repair and he wasn't stupid enough to think that being in his daughters life meant getting you back the way he wanted. But it was better than he ever thought he'd get.

He sniffled again, grabbing his phone and pressing speed dial one without hesitation. He didn't give the person on the line a chance to speak once they answered.

"Frankie... I got a little girl," Billy beamed through his sobs. Frank made a choked noise on the other end.

"Shit, Bill. Congratulations," he replied, his own voice thick with emotion and wavering.

Billy would never forget how badly Frank reacted to the news you were pregnant and he'd just walked away. It stuck with him for a long time and he knew Frank was hurt by what he did. Billy was his family which meant his kid was family.

Billy didn't care as he openly sobbed down the phone to his best friend and he knew Frank wouldn't rib him for it, not this time. Once he mentioned he had pictures, Frank didn't hesitate to tell him he was on his way over.

Despite the pain he was feeling and the self loathing, he felt a sense of completeness that he'd never felt before. And he knew no matter what he'd do right by you and his baby girl. He'd be the man you both deserve. You were both his family and he wouldn't abandon you. Not again. He wouldn't perpetuate the cycle of his own harsh upbringing. It would be different this time. He'd be a good dad. A good man for his girls.

#billy russo x reader #billy russo #the punisher #billy russo imagine

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familyagrestefanblog · 3 years

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Ml Meta analysis: Adriens current absents, season 4 structure and theory on whats to come

Here I am back again with my endless rambling.

I'm just as worried for our cat son as everyone else (maybe even more) which is why I tried figuring out for my own sanity why he is so absent currently.

Upfront I wanna warn yall that I wrote this post in one rush this night and therefore had no time to do alot of editing. So things can probably get a bit more messy than usual but I tried to write it clearly, while writing 2 other ml essays as well. This is the one drawback of having so many episodes in such a short time, I have no time to write my posts x3 I had another theory planned for before Optigami airs but I don't think I can manage before tomorrow.

But let's not waste any more time. Grab a snack and here we go:

It's 2am right now but I think I just realized why Adrien/Chat Noir is being sidelined so much recently.

Sure, yes, it'll come into play in the very obviously set up Ladynoir drama later on but what I wanna talk about now is more the structure of how s4 is most likely written in terms of both Marinettes and Adriens side of the story. And then deep dive a little on why I think so.

You see season 4 is now reaping what has been built up from s1-s3, but this also includes that you have to take the time now to properly recreate the new possibilities out of the loose pieces of the broken status quo.

Seriously, season 4 has to handle and reinvent ALOT. The show got now officially announced to have 7 seasons, which is exactly the amount of seasons Astruc said they have story for. I couldnt find the official tweet from Thomas himself but I one from another source:

And now look take a look at the possible shows structure:

- s1-s3 was the first status quo and built up everything so now they can pay off after pay off while...

-... S4 is now the transitional season where the old status quo gets left behind as we work towards the new one.

-I have nothing to proof this of course, but in the same sense it would now make sense that s5-s7 where/are planned to play out under the final status quo. If I'm not wrong at first the show was under contract for 5 seasons, which would mean that after the transitional season 4 there was only 1 season of the final status quo for sure. Still, done right it could have been worth the wait. But this isn't where Miraculous will end. The show actually got the 7 seasons the creator wanted and THIS is how I think the long term plan makes the most sense. Nothing all too complicated but still hella effective in its execution.

But now back to our two main characters, because Marinettes and Adriens development are the two aspects that will raise the show to the intense heights of the s5-s7 status quo.

From s1-s3 Marinette was the active player but she was hardly involved with the actual PLOT of the show, since most of the plot and backstory of the show lies directly with the Agreste family. She only started to get her own plot when she literally created a new one by getting involved with the miraculous lore, because the closest Marinette got to the Agreste plot was "The collector".

Adrien in the other hand was always literally right in the middle of the plot but he wasn't enough of an active player to bring us further either.

Season 4 is now going to add the missing parts for both of them and as the very beginning of the season showed us: there are going to do it SEPERATLY.

This is why "Truth" and "Lies" have been structured the way they are (One Marinette-centric the other Adrien-centric). Yes, Marinette and Adrien are meant to end their story victoriously together, but they are simply not the people they have to be to become such a powerful team. Certain aspects of their journey they have to do... basically disconnected from the other one. The "Miracle Queen" endcard shows it quite nicely as well where they are heading now: away from each other.

Obviously the season started with Marinette growing into her new guardian status including everything miraculous related, since she is the main lead and because the new ways the episodes can now utilize everything Miraculous need to be established first before we deep dive into the messed up Agreste mystery.

So while I totally agree that it is annoying to get so little Adrien/Chat Noir content currently I also understand the practicality behind it. As I said, before s4 Marinette was the active main character who mostly didn't really have her own plot. So now adding her plot aspect and have her ACTIVELY figure everything needed out means that right now Marinette/Ladybug is the active focus main character who is solving a huge part of her s4 character arc. That simply drowns out Adrien as the currently still mostly-inactive secondary main character who, yes, may be right in the middle of the shows emotional + villain plot/lore/backstory, but that side of the story simply isn't in focus at the moment.

And I gotta say, I'm kinda glad they're doing it this way. Because I'm gonna be honest, when the season starts giving us Adrien/family Agreste episodes like "Lies" and "The collector" (in this case "Gabriel Agreste" for example) again, I don't want the narrative to be forced to spend time with something guardian lore based just because they didn't took their time to do it earlier.

So, as we see on the s4 episode raster "Gabriel Agreste" is episode 9. Honestly, I expect most of it (especially the ones near the beginning, so ep. 5 included) til that episode to be Marinette based the way everything else til now did (besides Lies obviously and Guilt trip didn't hardcore focus on Marinette/Ladybug either and that's because it's after "Gabriel Agreste") in the spirit of "Truth". It's just the needed set up from Marinettes side of the story and I can live with that.

Because we actually saw the change after "Gabriel Agreste" already in "Guilt trip".

I don't know why some people pretend like Chat almost cataclysming himself after hearing how guilt-eaten Nino is for Adriens sake isn't a huge indicator that the episodes afterwards will not only acknowledge but also DEAL with Adriens/Chats situation and problems. Remember, we are talking about CHAT NOIR here not Adrien Agreste. The show has always portrayed and acknowledged ADRIENS issues very straight forward and with the proper seriousness (especially when it comes to his family), whereas Chat Noir was often mostly used for comedic purposes with some exceptions of his problems being properly delt with (since Marinette/Ladybug was mostly oblivious to them, since Adrien keeps them hidden so well). But now in "Guilt trip" LADYBUG was confronted head-on with just how much negativity Chat has inside and how quickly and extremely he drowns in it.

Sure, correct, the episode also has his negativity "washed away" rather quickly by Ladybug opening up to him on how important he is to her

But this is in character for both of them as "Lies" very clearly showed us that the way BOTH OF THEM behave here is where the problem lies. There Ladybug was freaked out after Chat threw his life away once again but quickly accepted Chats very direct avoidance of the confrontation, since he seemed to be alright to her.

Something I also find noteworthy here is that Ladybugs dialog is "Seriously, you need to stop doing this to me!", which is.... a VERY Marinette-centric way of acknowledging the problem.

It completely shifts the issue away from Adriens extremely alarming self-harmful/suicidal tendencies and instead only calls out how it affects Marinette (whose feelings here are definitely valid, don't get me wrong!). It showcases perfectly how unaware Marinette still is of her partners inner tumult at that point and also parallels how Marinette called Adriens life "perfect" at the beginning of the episode (This is no shade towards Marinette, in general the entirety of "Lies" is about showing us just how harmful Adriens Chat Noir persona actually IS to him so these two moments of her being oblivious to Adriens and Chats immense problems very much fits into that episodes narrative and sets up what's about to come. I still have an entire essay in the making for "Lies" but, guys, it's just getting longer and longer. I suck xD).

So the fact that an episode after "Gabriel Agreste" brings this scenario back, just a little different but ALOT more revealing of Adriens immense problems to his partner, is VERY telling. Besides other things it tells us that this happens at the beginning of the arc that deals with (at least) Chats issues since Ladybug is still way too quickly too ready to accept her partner as "completely fine" again just because Chat makes it seem that way (while some negativity increasing guilt bubbles still to stick to him.).

And yet, others have already pointed it out that Ladybug IS noticing what Chat wanted to do and reacted accordingly...

she just didn't speak of it the way it is because it overwhelmed her, which calls back to Ladybugs "You have to stop doing this to me!" dialog.( For a great breakdown of her dialog HERE is a link to @flightfoot post)

In "Lies" Marinette was way too stressed by her new guardian role to even consider Chats side of it and therefore only spoke of her own, but in "Guilt trip" she's already past that stressful arc. So here she is immediately able to recognize Chats suicidal action for what it is, come to his (much needed) aid and lift her partners spirit the best she can by emotionally opening up to him (which is something we KNOW is incredibly hart for Marinette).

The difference between her reaction in "Lies" and in "Guilt trip" shows that Marinette has her guardian role already mostly handled and is now mentally able to be there for others again, so the extremely Marinette-centric "Truth"-like episodes are mostly passed. Now the episodes can bring Adrien/Chat Noir more into the game again and even shift to "Lies" - like episodes because MARINETTE can pay more attention to him again and isn't faced with something new, important and overwhelming Miraculous related every step she takes.

And THAT is extremely fair from a narrative standpoint.

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I really need to stop elaborating so much on these posts because I'm only NOW actually getting to the point of where Adriens journey will disconnect for a while from Ladybugs. Sorry guys.

Okay, to understand where I'm going with this I will have to quickly explain how I always saw Chat Noirs place in the Ladybug+Chat Noir vs Hawkmoth war ever since s1.

Because here is the thing: Adrien wasn't able to truly leave the battle field ONCE since the origins. Marinette was completely out of Hawkmoths and Gabriels reach once she detransformed, which balances out her basically being the personification of the good sides force. And Gabriel literally decided whenever or not the battle is even ACTIVE right now! Besides that he is in complete control of his own actions and environment, which gives him all the necessary time, safety and downtime he needs to act as the personification of the evil sides force.

Marinette and Gabriel always knew when they were safe and off the battle field, but ADRIEN never had that and it left him LITERALLY right in the middle of both Ladybugs and Hawkmoths sides.

You see, because before Adrien became Chat Noir he basically was part of Hawkmoths side just by default. He was born into this family, that's his father and lost mother and everything he knows. Adrien didn't/doesn't even have to KNOW that he is part of Hawkmoths side, he's his son at some level he just IS! And I'm not saying this as anything negative, Adrien coming from Hawkmoths side is literally the reason why he became Chat Noir!

Because whereas Gabriel is having the time of his damn life as evil terrorist, created out of tragic and sinister circumstances, ADRIEN on the other hand couldn't handle his families environment and very same circumstances anymore and accepted the role as Paris' hero to escape his heritage for a while.

Keywords being: a WHILE.

Something unique about Adrien I always loved is the fact that he is the villains abused, isolated and overworked SON, who becomes a hero to escape his depressing life and YET it was never Adriens intention to LEAVE IT. Adrien merely wanted to use his time as Chat Noir to let of some steam and breath freely while doing some hero work so he can go back into his civilian life and try to one day successfully ment his broken family. He couldn't handle the current situation anymore but he still always saw worth in his family/father. I have SO MUCH respect for that!

But him not intending to leave his family and instead regaining strength as Chat Noir to continue to hold onto it came with the downside of him not being able to fully become part of the good sides people/force either. Hence why Adriens/Chats place always felt so lost in comparison to Ladybugs and Hawkmoths clear positions. He's caught in between their extremes trying to balance out BOTH at the same time. What an impossible task!

So he couldn't put in the same focus as Ladybug into being the good sides force because he is literally burned out from his civilian life on Hawkmoths evil side. But he also couldn't be involved as an ACTIVE member of his fathers evil force, because he chose to find refuge in his friends and as a hero on Ladybugs side.

Adrien unknowingly is part of BOTH the shows two extreme moral sides of good and evil and this season we will see Adrien/Chat Noir grow into his own within BOTH sides as well.

Because he simply couldn't have done so right away in s1. Now after 3 seasons Chat Noir is more than solidly established as one of Paris Heros and his time with Ladybug, the other heros and his normal friends helped him greatly to find his place on the good side. "Lies" set this up as Chat Noirs arcs starting point that now he has to stop connecting "being heroic" strictly with following Ladybug (as Marinette is the STAND IN personification for the good side, she's still a flawed human being like everyone else and not the ultimate force of perfect and good. Big difference.) just as he has to start looking past his fathers sympathetic moments/qualities to see that Hawkmoth isn't a 100%, inhumane monster just because he is the stand-in personification of evil in their fight, but the man he calls Father and still needs to be taken down. (I talked about this in more detail on THIS post)

Adrien has to seperat himself from Ladybugs path and focus on his family and I believe it'll start with the much dreaded (but expected) Ladynoir fight.

Funnily enough, what I'm talking about was actually already set up in "Frozer" I just didn't remember that for a bit. In "Frozer" we saw Ladynoir having a fight which caused Chat Noir to go his own way in the episodes battle.

I always found it interesting that the episode didn't had Chats decision, to not follow Ladybugs lead here, turn out to be a huge mistake. Almost every other show would have done so but now I think I understand. This episode and s2 in general SET UP the s4 conflict, s3 LEAD UP to it and now s4 DELIVERS it.

So what happened in "Frozer" is a direct parallel to what about to go down:

Ladynoirs fight will cause Chat Noir to not simply follow Ladybugs side anymore the way he used to, but note, he DOESN'T leave the good side AND they make up again in the end after Chat saves Ladybug from the akuma. He just does things on his own because he isn't on great terms with her for a while. "Frozer" showed Chats decision to not only NOT be a mistake but also a necessary part of defeating the akuma, just the way it'll be in s4. Damn, Adrien breaking away from Ladybugs side, the way she (unintentionally tho) did at the beginning of the season, to focus more on himself and his family will be the game changing factor, when Adrien will have his completing arc where he goes from "not active character within the villain/backstory plot" to "ACTIVE character within the villain/backstory plot".

And we already saw with Marinette how many fast breakthroughs we get through these completing arcs. Which is also a reason for why Adriens/ Chats arc comes later in the season, because BUDDY. Once Adrien starts to actively uncover his families mystery and fathers secrets Gabriel is SCREWED! Adrien will gain the needed inside knowledge that complements Marinettes Miraculous power; and reunited they can take on whatever the hell kind of scale the Agrestes plan actually is.

So how to end this post? My biggest intention was to raise hope for everybody (myself included lol) who is right now very concerned and upset about how side-lined our boy is at the moment. But I prefer doing so in a way that actually works with canons context instead of sugarcoating what I don't like. And Adriens/Chats current position I definitely do NOT like but accepting it as realistic outcome from s1-s3 and set up for the escalation for both Ladynoir and his home situation gives it the proper purpose and pay off (narrative and character wise) that it SHOULD have.

Basically, the endcards of "Truth" and "Lies" show it perfectly.

It looks like ShadowMoth is turning a blind eye towards Adrien/Chat Noir because of Ladybugs new guardian status and "greater importance". But Gabriels tunnel vision on Ladybug will leave him vulnerable to his own sons secret actions against him and Gabriel won't see it coming until its already too late.

#Miraculous #Miraculous ladybug #ml theory #ml analysis #ml season 4 #ml show structure #Adrien Agreste #marinette dupain chang #Gabriel Agreste #Chat Noir #Ladybug #Hawkmoth #ml forshadowing

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radiorenjun · 4 years

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I Don't Need It

• Pairing: Na Jaemin x Reader

• Genre: Angst, Comedy, Fluff

• Na Jaemin despised the idea of soulmates, he wanted to fight against fate for choosing his soulmate for him. Even if it means his stubborn childhood best friend wouldn't stop trying to make him accept about the similar tattoos on their wrists.

• Warnings: mental breakdowns, heartbreak, rejection, major angst, arguments, flashbacks, physical injuries, fighting.

• Wordcount : 8.7 k

• Masterlist here!

• Chapters: XI, XII

• A/N: special thanks to @orange-nimon-cross for betaing this chapter. And special thanks to @c-sanshine for being my editor for the past year or two, I hope you enjoy your life of waking up and not expecting 8 screenshots worth of writing

“HE WHAT?”

You bit your lip, wincing at his loud voice. You quickly slammed your palm against his mouth to shut him up. At this point you were wondering if it was a good idea to tell Renjun about the talk between you and Jaemin at his house yesterday.

“Could you be any louder?” you hissed, nervously smiling at your classmates who were staring at the two of you. Renjun’s hand wrapped around your wrist to pull your palm away from his face, frowning at you with a roll of his eyes. “So let me get this straight, two years of treating you as if you’re the bane of his existence and two months of you ghosting him, he suddenly wants to restart your whole friendship?” Renjun emphasized, his brows furrowed.

At that moment you had a flashback of Jaemin’s taken aback expression when you refused, the way he made a downtrodden expression at your words that almost made you take it back the instant you said it. The way you exited his room with a heavy heart, forcing yourself to get out of the house you missed visiting so much. The empty feeling that came when you moved further and further away to what your soul called home.

You let out a heavy sigh, nodding. “Pretty much,” you confirmed, your heart aching at the memory of the way Jaemin’s hopeful expression melted into one that resembles a small child when his mom had thrown out his favourite toy. Well, it kind of felt that way as well, if you were being honest.

“Seriously, I know he’s dumb but I didn’t think he’d be this dumb! Dude, he had no right to come crawling back after breaking that music box. It was your-”

“I know, Renjun. You don’t have to tell me twice. It was my music box, after all.” you snapped back, stopping him from finishing his sentence as Renjun bit his lip, watching as your expression grew dark at his words. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, looking down at his fingers when he realises he had spoken too much. “It’s fine, just forget about it, alright?” you rubbed your temples, waving him off.

Renjun cleared his throat, swallowing his guilt for bringing up the sensitive topic. “So what did you say?” he asked, trying to keep his tone casual. You bit the insides of your cheek, wincing at the memory before mumbling under your breath, “I said no.”

Renjun’s eyes widened. Truthfully, he was proud of you for refusing the bastard. Alhough, he couldn’t help but wonder why you said no. He thought you’d jump at the opportunity to restart your relationship like opening a new chapter to a book. After all, he knew you’ve been dreaming of loving and being loved by your soulmate like the hopeless romantic that you’ve been your whole life. He didn’t expect you to refuse Jaemin’s offer, and by the looks of it, you didn’t either.

“Oh. Is it okay if I ask why?” Renjun asked hesitantly, unsure if he wanted to know the answer. You let out a puff of breath, leaning your head back to keep your tears in painfully aware of your curious classmates. “It hurt, you know. I mean, call me selfish for rejecting my own soulmate but it’s just really unexpected you know?” You started, blinking back your tears.

“Jaemin was my best friend, I knew him like the back of my own hand. And sometimes, he changes his mind on a certain opinion due to peer pressure or because of guilt. A part of me was happy that he wanted to start things over, trust me, I was ecstatic.” You added on, trying to swallow the heavy lump gathering in your throat. “But again, another part of me thought that it was too good to be true, you know? I overthink alot sometimes and it gets me down a lot but-” you paused to close your eyes, rubbing them with your palm to casually wipe off your tears.

“But a part of me didn’t want to believe that he wanted to restart. I don’t know why, I mean, it doesn’t make much sense!” You sat back up, looking at Renjun with an exasperated expression, your eyes red as your mind keeps screaming at you in messy thoughts. “He saw me as the living bane of his existence for almost two years. I loved- I still love him! But he didn’t need my love, hell! He told me that a countless amount of times that he couldn’t see a future with me.” You exhaled, clenching your fists tightly in the pockets of your hoodie.

“Maybe I didn’t want to accept that he wanted to change. So my dumb mind decided to assume things I shouldn’t. Maybe he’s doing this to stop people from looking at him as the asshole who rejected his own soulmate. Maybe he finally gave in from the anxiety and peer pressure. For fucks sakes, maybe he’s doing it because he feel sorry for me. Maybe he’s tired of seeing his former best friend moping around from unrequited love that he decided to force himself back into my life when I’m finally starting to get better.”

You rambled on and on, oblivious to the fact that Renjun was staring at you speechlessly, his brows furrowed in concern. Your pupils shaking as you try to keep your tears back, your head leaning down to look at your feet nervously as you continued to ramble on about the boy who hurt you. The boy who made you feel so much pain. The boy who broke you.

“I don’t want people to love me because other people wants them to. I want Jaemin to lov- to like me for my dumb self. It’s not fair to him, it’s not fair to me. I don’t want to wake up and stand by Jaemin knowing that he’s just doing it because he feel sorry for my pathetic ass,” Renjun cuts you off by tugging the hood of your hoodie over your head, halting you of your frantic rumbles, glaring at a few of your classmates who were starting to look at you questioningly.

You took a deep silent breath, feeling Renjun’s hand lay on top of your head comfortingly as you try to hold back your tears. You were a mess. How did things end like this? How did you end up so broken over losing your best friend?

Why did it hurt so much?

You said ‘love’. But really you don’t know what love is. You’ve never felt love before. Sure, you felt parental love, family love, love in friendships. But what was it like to actually feel loved by the person who was born to do nothing but love you? When did you realise you loved Na Jaemin so much? What made you so attached to him? What had happened to make you so determined to change his mind and forcing him to love you?

Oh who were you kidding? You remembered everything. There isn’t a day that goes by since you realised how much you loved Na Jaemin.

You remembered the first time Jaemin actually made your heart skip a beat was a couple months prior to your birthday, before you got your stupid soulmate tattoo. You two were in your first year of high school. Young, innocent and happy. Life was simple. You had Jaemin by your side, and he had you by his. You were infamous for being attached at the hip, that people believed you were going to be soulmates by the time you get your tattoos.

“Good morning, y/n!” your friend greeted you as she sat on the seat right in front of yours, making you look up from your work book. You had forgotten that you had homework the day before, so you were trying to do all of your 20 numbered homework in the span of 15 minutes right before your teacher arrives to class. Jaemin refused to lend you his homework that night because he was too busy playing games again.

“Hey!” you greeted frantically, giving her a small wave as you aggressively scratch the mistake from your paper with your pen, too much in a rush to take out your whitener and remove the spelling mistake you accidentally made on your paper. “Another day of doing homework before the teacher arrives, huh Y/n?” she chuckled, scanning the work book placed on your desk as you tried to write as fast as you could.

“Indeed, I am. Because a certain someone didn’t want to help me with my homework!” you huffed, attracting Jaemin’s attention from three tables away from you. He turned his head at the sound of you shading him from halfway across the room, halting his conversation with his friends to yell ‘I can hear you!’

“You better!” you shot back, sticking your tongue out at your best friend who just gave you an innocent peace sign. You went back to focusing on your homework with an annoyed huff, blowing out a puff of air as you frantically wrote down the answers to question number 11. Your friend chuckled at the innocent banter, shaking her head at the two of you. “I swear you two are practically soulmates,” she joked. You gave her a menacing glare as you wrote.

“Kidding!” She grinned, waving it off before looking down at your paper, wincing slightly when she saw the answers. But she knew not to tell you since you were already in distress. Instead she peered at you, squinting when she saw something quite off about you on that certain day. “You look different,” she commented.

You didn’t look up from your paper, choosing to nod slightly before sticking your tongue out in concentration. “Uh-huh. What about me looks different exactly?” You asked, licking your lips in concentration as your eyes dart from your textbook to your workbook. “I don’t know, you just look suspiciously off today.” your friend continued with a suspicious hum, examining your features slowly.

“Off?” you muttered mindlessly, scratching off another spelling mistake you accidentally made. “Off how, exactly?” you mumbled once again, paying no mind to your friend looking at you as if she was playing a ‘try to spot the difference’ game. “Wait a minute.” Your friend gasped, dramatically raising a hand to cup her mouth.

You look up at her with a raised eyebrow, your hand still writing sloppily on your paper as you let out a small ‘what?’ in response. “Y/n! Are you wearing lip gloss?!” she exclaimed with a small squeal, causing you to drop your pen in shock. You gaped, not knowing what to respond as your mind spun to come up with some lame excuse to say no. “What?” was all you could say to respond to your friend who couldn’t keep her grin from stretching eye to eye.

“Yeah, you’re definitely wearing lip gloss. Oh my god, little y/n is growing up and wearing make up!” she squealed, the cheeky grin never leaving her lips as she leaned her cheek against her palm, watching you come up with some lame excuse. “I’m not! I swear!” you shook your head vigorously, frantically waving your hands as you tried to wipe of the glossy pigment from your lips, embarrassment flooding your face.

“Oh come on, don’t deny it! I know lip gloss when I see it! You can’t lie to a person who sells lip gloss for a side job, y/n!” she giggled, waving her hand off as you continued to deny it. “It actually looks great on you, not gonna lie. Though you might wanna buy something from my store to see something that would actually match with your whole aesthetic!” she exclaimed causing you to whine.

“I’m not wearing lip gloss,” you muttered shyly, looking down at your homework before picking up your pen with a small pout. “But does it really look good though?” you asked after a few seconds, looking up at your friend who laughed in response. “Yeah! I think a different colour would suit you even more though. I’ll show you my lip gloss stock if you want. And some stores for recommendation, too!” She encouraged with an enthusiastic nod.

You scrunched your nose at the thought of using make up in school. But what can you say? You were a normal teenager 15 year old girl who just wanted to try somethings new after hitting puberty, would it kill you to try on a few light make up cosmetics once in a while?

“Maybe I’ll start using lip gloss more then,” you chuckled, looking up at her confidently which caused your friend to give you an encouraging thumbs up. “Oh my god, you’re actually going to wear make up. I thought that’s never going to happen till you’re at least in your late 30s.” She exaggerated causing you to let out a whine in retaliation, smacking her arm as she giggled at you.

It all happened so suddenly.

Before you could process it, you felt two fingers cupping your chin, turning your head to the side. You froze when you saw Jaemin standing right beside your desk, next to you and your friend with his thumb and index finger holding your chin gently and turning your head to face him. He tilted your head up with a serious expression spread across his face as he concentrated on your face, causing you to flush in embarrassment at the sudden contact.

You and your friend’s eyes widen at his bold move, staring at him with a baffled expression. “J-Jaemin! What are you doing?!” you exclaimed, your hand coming up to his wrist in alarm but making no effort to remove it. There was something comforting in the way Jaemin gently held your chin up at him as his eyes examined your lips, most of the gloss having been wiped off by your hand previously.

You looked up at him in confusion before tensing in his hold when his other hand came up to your face to wipe off the remaining gloss on your lips with his thumb. The rough texture of his thumb swiping over your slightly chapped lips, the gloss now staining his skin as he gently rubbed your bottom lip in feathery motions. His touch so soft and gently you could barely feel it.

In a split second, the comforting feeling disappeared when he pulled away from you with a bashful smile, his ears slightly red at his own actions as he wiped his thumb against the fabric of his pants. He cleared his throat gently as you gaped, still taken aback at the unexpected touch that felt slightly too intimate for two best friends like you should be feeling.

“Don’t wear lip gloss. Or any other make up,” he said at you, his sweet smile making your heart flutter, your stomach still doing somersaults at his previous actions. “You look way prettier without make up. If I catch you wearing make up once again, I won’t hesitate to wipe it off of your face by my own hands again.” he chuckled, coughing to cover how flustered he felt as you bit your lip nervously.

You bit back a smile, nodding at him as you looked down at your shoes. “Whatever you say, Jaemin.” you muttered under your breath, as he snuck his hands into the pockets of his pants. Jaemin bashfully smiled before turning to leave the classroom to the bathroom to get rid off the glittery pink pigment off of his thumb. You coughed, turning to your friend who just stared back at you with her jaw dropped wide open.

She let out a laugh of disbelief, giving you a knowing look as she closed her gaping mouth to form a cheeky smirk. “I stand correct. You two are totally soulmates,” she sing-songed with a shake of her head, turning to her own desk as you let out a soft whine at your friend. “Shut up, I’m literally going to be so pissed if you two don’t end up having the same tattoos once your birthday comes by,” she commented, making you flush in embarrassment.

You gazed at your left wrist, longing to see what your soulmate mark would look like. You let out a flustered smile at the thought of your own best friend having the same soulmate mark as you, a giddy feeling rising up your chest as you stifled a soft giggle. You swallowed down the funny feeling of your heart fluttering and butterflies swarming around your stomach when you heard the door to your classroom open.

A familiar voice boomed through the walls of your classroom. “Good morning, students!” your teacher exclaimed, a pile of books in hand. You glanced back at your half filled paper, panic rising up your spine as you let out a deep breath.

“Shi-”

The memory sent sharp pains into your heart, your wrist burning once again against your skin as you scrunched your face in pain, wiping the tears away with the fabric of your sweater. Renjun sighs as he watches at you sympathetically, wanting nothing more but to take your pain away. But he knew he couldn’t do anything but watch his best friend writhe in pain as you continue to try to move on from being rejected by your other half, hoping that you would get the happy ending you deserved at some point in your life.

He knew he wasn’t going to turn a blind eye if Jaemin tried to hurt you again. He wasn’t going to stand still and let you get hurt,. He was going to give Jaemin a piece of his mind. He was going to make sure Jaemin would think twice before talking to you. He can’t stand watching you break in front of him, leaving him to comfort you and make you stop blaming yourself for something that wasn’t entirely your fault.

It wasn’t your fault you were stuck being soulmates with someone so selfish and inconsiderate. It was the world’s fault. It was fate’s fault. If there was something that Renjun could agree on with Jaemin, it would be how he thought fate was too cruel for putting the two of you together.

You scratched the back of your head as your eyes scanned the seemingly endless row of books on the shelf for that book your friend recommended to you a few days ago. Brows furrowing as you leaned your head up, squinting to see the book you were looking for, using your pointer to spot the title as you slowly stood on your tippy toes before you found what you’re looking for.

You grunted as a hand coming up to support you on the shelf as you attempt to reach the damn book. “God dammit,” you muttered under your breath, huffing as you started hopping to reach the book before looking both ways to see if the coast was clear and lifting your foot up to the shelf to climb it.

“Y/n?”

You paused, slowly turning your head around to see Jaemin poking his head from in between the books from the other side of the shelf across the one you were climbing on. “Jaemin?” you jerked your head to the side to see Jaemin even more clearly, biting your lip at how quick you turned your head at the sound of his voice. “Are you okay?” he asked with a slight chuckle.

Your foot almost slipped at his words before you quickly gripped on the wooden shelf even tighter to regain your tight grasp on it, leaning your body against the shelves even more as you let out a small squeak. “Fine! Just fine!” you exclaimed, giving him a nervous smile before looking up at the book. “Just trying to get a book.”

“Oh, do you need help?” he asked with a sweet smile. You turned away from him, shaking your head. “Nah, I got this covered,” you said, using a free hand to wave him off before reaching for the book. But to your avail, you weren’t even close to touching the damn book. You groaned internally, masking your pain in case Jaemin was still looking.

You turned slightly, trying to see if Jaemin was still watching you from the corner of your eye. To your surprise, he wasn’t. You sighed heavily, relieved that he had left you alone, so that he couldn’t witness your futile attempt, but how were you supposed to get your book now?

Less than ten seconds later, Jaemin came back with one of the librarians’ special stepladders, shooting you a smile as he watch you try to climb the damn shelf. “I knew your short ass would refuse my help so I just went ahead and ask for a stepladder,” he joked, putting the stepladder right beside you before climbing up and grabbing the book himself, watching you frown and climb down the shelf, hopping onto the carpet floor.

He climbed down the steps to stand in front of you, the white book in his hand. “Your book, your highness,” he smiled, handing you the book as you looked down in embarrassment, muttering a small ‘thank you’ under your breath. “What were you doing here anyway?” you asked, looking up at him as you hugged the book to your side.

Jaemin bit his lip shyly, a hand coming up to rub the back of his neck as the tips of his ears grew red. “Would it kill me to say I saw you coming here and I followed you because I wanted to see you?” he confessed. You felt your heart jump, feeling yourself getting flustered as butterflies swarmed your stomach.

He’s got to be kidding.

You gulped, biting back a smile before shaking your head as your mind wandered to the events that happened the day before. You slowly released your bottom lip from your teeth before a frown took place across your lips, you coughed awkwardly before nodding at him, trying to cover up how flustered you felt. “No, not at all, but I do think that’s quite concerning,” you commented, clearing your throat.

Jaemin frowned at how your previously flustered expression had morphed into one that displays just how uncomfortable you felt, wondering if he had said something wrong. He tried to pay no mind to it, clearing his throat before speaking up again. “Anyways, what’s that book for? A project or something?” he asked, pointing at the white book he previously grabbed that was now in your grasp. “Huh?” you looked down to see the book in question before your mouth formed an ‘oh’.

“No, not a project. Yeoreum, you remember Yeoreum right? She’s in our History class on Fridays. She recommended me this book to read because according to her, I really need to get my mind off things. I took her word for it and searched for this damn book,” You explained, opening the book before flipping through the seemingly endless pages of words and paragraphs. “Well you must be desperate to take your mind off of things to have to climb up the shelf to get the book,” he chuckled.

You let out an awkward laugh, nodding as you looked away from him, feeling your heart clenching. You both knew what you couldn’t take your mind off of. “I guess you can say that,” you mumbled, your voice trailing off as a soft frown took place across your face once again. Jaemin bit his lip, trying his best to come up with something to keep the conversation going.

You took a step back awkwardly. “I’m just going to get this checked out. I’ll see you later, then, Jaemin.” You waved at him with a tight lipped smile, turning around to slowly walk to the librarian’s desk. Jaemin’s eyes widen slightly, trying to come up with some pathetic excuse to stand by your side. “Wait!” the words left his mouth before his brain could decipher it.

You paused in your step, hesitantly turning your head back to him. “Yes?” you asked almost inaudibly. Jaemin gulped when he realised he had nothing to say, biting his lip as he retracted his hand that he had unconsciously stretched out when he stopped you. “Can I come with?” he asked, cringing at how desperate he sounded.

“You want to come with me to check out my book?” you asked, slightly confused as you furrowed your brows at him. Jaemin opened his mouth, hoping that he would come up with something as an excuse to be with you longer. But to his dismay, nothing came into his mind. Not even a lousy excuse.

He closed his mouth abruptly, avoiding your eyes as he nodded with a shy smile. “But why? Don’t you have practice or something?” you asked, cocking your head to the side. Jaemin gulped at your question, internally debating on whether to lie to you or tell you the truth. He sighed as he remembered how you despise whenever he lies to you and how you can still read him like an open book.

“I just want to spend a little more time with you,” he spoke truthfully.

You felt your stomach do somersaults, as you maintained an emotionless expression to try to cover up how your heart was practically soaring through the skies at the thought of Jaemin wanting to spend more time with you. “Oh.” you mumbled, looking down as you try to conceal how flustered and happy you felt. “Okay then,” you replied almost inaudibly.

He wanted to spend more time with you? What was that suppose to mean? You literally live next door! You have at least one class with each other every day, what more could he want?

You shook the thoughts out of your head, not wanting to get your hopes up. Never again. You didn’t want to think that you had a chance with Jaemin anymore. You’re going to come to terms with reality and move on. Maybe he just wanted to be friends again? I mean, you two have been best friends since you were in diapers. It would be a shame to throw away more than a decades worth of friendship.

“So what are you doing after this?” he asked after a short pause as you both walked up to the librarian’s desk, handing her the white book. “Is that all?” she asked, not sparing the two of you a glance as she scanned the code on the book. You nodded at her before responding to Jaemin, “I’m heading over to Mr Seong’s office, he says he wants to talk to me about the art club or something.”

Jaemin’s mouth formed an ‘o’ shape, nodding slowly before furrowing his brows in confusion. “I didn’t know you joined the art club,” he exclaimed. You turned your head to him with your eyebrows raised. “What do you mean? I’ve always been in the art club since our second year of high school?” you raised a brow questioningly.

Jaemin’s eyes went wide at your statement, racking his brain as he tried to remember if you had ever mentioned anything about the art club. “Doesn’t ring a bell,” he mumbled, his brows furrowing in confusion. You smiled softly, letting out a soft chuckle. “It’s fine. Renjun got me into it, it’s pretty fun though. I finally get how you feel when you rant to me about practice.” You waved it off, grabbing the book and thanking the librarian before walking out of the library with him along your side.

Renjun, huh?

“You two have been pretty close, huh?” Jaemin couldn’t stop himself, cringing back at how bitter he sounded. You didn’t seem to notice, though as you hummed in response. “He’s there for me when I need him, and I’m there when he needs me,” you replied simply as the two of you made your way to Mr. Seong’s office. Jaemin felt an ache in his heart at how happy it made you when you talked about Renjun, his heart clenching against his chest.

“Also! He taught me how to use acrylic paints properly!” You exclaimed almost childishly, taking Jaemin aback at how hyped you were. Your eyes wideend slightly before taking a step back, giving him a bashful smile. “Sorry, its just- I’ve always wanted to use paint properly without messing it up too much and luckily, I have Renjun to teach me,” you exclaimed with a light laugh, causing Jaemin to give you a tight lipped smile.

“Sorry, I’m getting a little side tracked. Oh, well. We’re here,” you stated, realising how fast time flew when you turned to see that you were both standing in front of the door to Mr Seong’s office. “I guess I’ll see you around, Jaemin,” you waved, knocking on the door softly before poking your head in and stepping into your teacher’s office.

Jaemin stood still in his tracks, staring at the wooden door. The Winnie The Pooh painting from one of the students from his arts class that was hung right beside it felt like it was making fun of him with it’s sinister smile. He stood there in the half empty halfway, gazing down at the floor in an almost depressing way.

It wasn’t suppose to be surprising but the ugly feeling still laid deep down in his heart. The ugly feeling of realising how he’s been replaced by someone else.

“So anyways, I went- hey, is that y/n?” Hyuck pointed, his head turning to the door of the art club. Jaemin turned his head up, gazing away from his phone screen before turning to where his friend was pointing at. “She’s part of the art club?” Hyuck whispered, leaning close to Jaemin as they watched you paint on an empty white banner as you chatted with your friends on the white tile floor through the glass window on the door.

“Yeah, I guess. She told me that, the other day.” Jaemin nodded, not tearing his gaze away by how the light from the sun peering through the window illuminated the room, admiring how the sunshine made it look like as if you were glowing. “Apparently, Renjun got her into it.” he added, his voice trailing off as he leaned his body more to the side to get a better view of your smile, watching as you threw your head back laughing at a joke your friend made.

He had a small content smile of his own as he watched you wipe your cheek with the back of your hand, turning your head when your friend pointed at how you had accidentally smeared yellow paint across your cheek in the process. You took two fingers and swipe them across your cheek, looking back at the yellow now staining your fingers before laughing along with your friends.

“Oh hey guys, what are you doing here?” Jeno smiled, walking over to lay his hand over the handle of the door, involuntarily blocking his sight of you. Jaemin frowned slightly but bit his tongue when he realised Jeno was going to go inside. “Oh hey, Jeno. We were just passing by.” Hyuck nodded, looking at Jaemin who gave him a knowing nod.

“What are you doing?” Jaemin asked curiously, trying his best no to eye Jeno’s hand on the handle of the door. “Oh, I’m just here for voluntary work.” Jeno replied, gesturing the tote bags filled with paints and brushes in his hands. “Voluntary work? I didn’t know you do that?” Hyuck exclaimed, adjusting his spectacles as he eyed the bag filled with paints and brushes.

“Yeah, well. I’m pretty good friends with Yanan, the president of the club and he wanted some help in painting the banners for like some sort of event? I don’t remember, man. I’m just here trying to be a good friend,” Jeno shrugged making Hyuck let out a sarcastic laugh. “That’s so random of you. Are you sure you haven’t been bribed or anything?” he asked, crossing his arms as Jeno rolled his eyes.

“Shut up, Hyuck. I’m not you, I don’t do things just because it benefits me, dumbass.” Jeno stuck his tongue out, causing Hyuck to let out a small laugh. “Well, enjoy your little picasso painting session then, Lee Jeno. Me and Jaemin are going to-”

“Hey, can I come?”

The two boys turned to Jaemin with equally baffled expressions and furrowed brows, but the boy beside them wasn’t even sparing a glance at them. However, he was leaning his head to the side as if he was looking through Jeno’s shoulder for something. Or someone.

“Huh? You want to go with him? For what? Painting banners for hours? Dude, I thought you wanted to head to the arcade!” Hyuck exclaimed incredulously, looking at his best friend in disbelief. To his dismay, Jaemin wasn’t even close to paying attention to him, his words turning deaf to the younger boy’s ears. Jeno turned his head to see what he was looking at before letting out a soft ‘ah!’

“Jaemin just wants to hang out with y/n,” Jeno teased, giving the boy a light smirk. Jaemin snapped out of his trance, his pupilss dilating as he cleared his throat. “Shut up, Jeno.” He muttered, eyes avoiding his friends’ gaze to hide how flustered he felt. Hyuck simply tsked at the boy, shaking his head in disappointment. “And I thought you were better than this, you certified simp.” Hyuck tutted, crossing his arms.

“We lost another one,” Hyuck cried out dramatically, receiving a smack on the upper side of his head afterwards from Jaemin who rolled his eyes at the boy. “Are you guys going to help me talk to her or not?” he asked with a tired sigh, running a hand through his hair in distress.

“Didn’t you get rejected the other day? Not to be mean or anything but what if she really doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore?” Jeno asked, a smile on his face but his voice was laced in deep concern. “In other words, you might bug her. You know? Like, back when you were still a total jackass less than a year or two ago,” Hyuck slung an arm around his friend’s shoulder who frowned at his words.

“I want to make it up to her, how am I suppose to make it up to her if she’s not going to talk to me?” Jaemin huffed. “I just really want to be on good terms with her again,” he frowned, guilt glossing over the brown haired boy’s eyes as he stared down at his sneakers. Jeno frowned, sharing a knowing look with Hyuck who gave a silent exasperated sigh before nodding at the older boy in confirmation as if to say ‘fine.’

“Fine, we’ll paint some banners just so you can talk to her,” Hyuck gave in, internally saying goodbye to the arcade after school before Jaemin decided to ask them to basically be his wingman. “Try not to fuck this up, please?” Jeno jokes causing Jaemin to let out a laugh with a sarcastic roll of his eyes. “Chill,” he inhaled.

“It’s not like I’m getting in to annoy her, I just want to talk to her,” Jaemin laughed as Jeno opened the door with a light chuckle. “It’s really cute how you don’t know that they’re literally the exact same thing,” Hyuck chuckled, slipping his hands into the pockets of the jacket he was wearing over his body as they both stepped into the bright art room, the fresh smell of paints, canvases and old brushes filling their senses.

“Jeno! What took you so long?” Yanan, the club president exclaimed, walking up to the three boys in an apron splattered with paint, a few smudges of paint spread across his skin as well. Jeno smiled sheepishly, “sorry, man. I got more people to help though. Guys, you know Yanan, right?” Jeno turned back to his friends who gave Yanan a friendly wave or a casual nod. “Oh hey, Na Jaemin, the football team’s captain, right? Lee Donghyuck from Calculus, right?” Yanan asked, receiving nods from both boys.

“I never knew you two would be into painting or shit,” Yanan cocked his head curiously as Jeno placed the tote bags on the desk nearby. “Yeah, well, you see. Jeno was like desperate because he didn’t want to do this alone.” Hyuck started rambling, making Jeno roll his eyes, grabbing an apron from the supply closet at the back of the room. “He begged and begged for us to join him. And us, being the amazing best friends we were, we had to agree because we can’t bare to see Jeno so upset and lonely. Right Jaemin?” Hyuck smiled sweetly at Jaemin.

Jaemin let out a small sigh, nodding silently as Yanan let out a soft laugh. “Whatever floats your boat,” he chuckled, shoving an apron into each boys’ grasps. “Get started, we don’t have all day. The quicker we can do this, the sooner we can all go home!” Yanan clapped enthusiastically, turning them before shoving them forward to the students who were sitting or laying on the floor as they painted the banners.

“Dude, I don’t even know what we’re suppose to be doing. What are we suppose to paint?” Hyuck exclaimed as he watched Jaemin put on his own apron, tying it around his waist as he stares back at your figure busy painting on different types of flowers on the corners of the banner. “I don’t know, just go with the flow!” Jaemin shot back defensively, picking up a brush of his own as he walked up towards you nervously.

“Hey y/n.”

Your head shot up, eyes widening to see Jaemin’s unexpected figure sitting right beside your laying figure. You were on your stomach as Jaemin sat down beside you, waving innocently and giving you a charming smile that almost caused you to swoon. “Jaemin?” you furrowed your brows in confusion, pulling your brush away from the banner as to not accidentally stain the floral patterns you drew with random paint drops. “What are you doing here? I thought you didn’t like art,” you wiped the wet brush off with a nearby cloth which was already stained with different paint colours before dipping the brush in a cup of water.

“It’s not really my thing but I’m here to help with.. er- whatever this is,” he smiled, gesturing to the banner as he sat up properly, crossing his legs. You raised your brow at him, unconvinced but you weren’t one to judge so you just shrugged and went back to painting. “Okay then, I’m not going to ask,” you muttered, removing the brush from the cup of water before patting it down with the previous cloth before poking the tip into a palette of paint.

“Wait, what exactly are we doing?” Jaemin asked, watching you furrow your brows when you realised you ran out of purple paint. “Uh, something about the banner for next month’s charity event?” You muttered, pressing your hand on the floor before sitting up and grabbing your palette, trying to get as many paint as you can into your brush. “Oh, the one after the game?” he asked, receiving a short hum from you.

“What are you painting then?” he asked, gesturing to the half finished floral patterns on the border of the banner. “I’m painting this one for the gate,” you didn’t even spare him a glance as you turned back to grab a tube of purple paint, smacking the tip against your palm before popping open the lid to squeezing the life out of the bottle. “It looks great, I didn’t know you could paint this well.” Jaemin commented, admiring how pretty you looked with the sun shining over your form, highlighting your pupils.

“Uh-huh-shit! I’m out of purple paint,” you clicked your tongue, beginning to stand up as you shut the lid of the paint bottle. “Hey wait, I can get it for you if you want-” Jaemin exclaimed, beginning to sit up as well but you shook your head at him. “I’m good, I bet Renjun still has some left over. I’ll just go ask him, you can just stay here and help paint or something,” you muttered, tearing your gaze away as you try to spot Renjun from the crowd of students huddling up over their own banners.

“Wait what am I suppose to paint?” he exclaimed when he saw you take a step back. You refrain from letting out a frustrated groan. You’ve been painting these banners for the past couple of hours, you had an exhausting day, you haven’t even finished that essay Mrs. Choi had assigned you to do the other day which was due tomorrow. You were exhausted, you just wanted to get this last banner over with so you can finally pack up and head home.

“I don’t know, Jaemin! Maybe help with the details of the flowers or something,” you snapped back, walking away from him before tucking the paintbrush in the space between your head and your ear. Jaemin frowned as he watched you walk over to Renjun with a polite smile, politely asking him for some paint, only for Renjun to nod and wipe the sweat off of his brow, standing up as he gestured you to head over to the back of the room to check the supply closet.

Jaemin blew out an annoyed puff of air, dipping his own brush in water as he spitefully dipped his paint brush in a can of paint nearby and decided to colour the tips of the leaves with a darker shade of green. “How did it go, lover boy?” Hyuck asked, standing right in front of the sulking boy who gazed up at him with a small pout on his face. “Shut up,” he grumbled, smearing green paint over the soles of the older boy’s shoes, causing him to squeal playfully in response.

“Hi Haechan,” you greeted as you returned to your spot beside Jaemin, laying back down on your stomach on the floor with a soft grunt. “Oh hey y/n,” he nodded, shooting you a warm smile as you proceeded on painting small purple petals. Jaemin cleared his throat, “so you free today?” he asked, eliciting a soft hum from you. “I don’t think so, why?” you responded, furrowing your brows as you stuck your tongue out in concentration.

“Well, I was thinking of getting started on the presentation?” Jaemin cringed at how pathetic his excuse was, biting the inside of his cheek as he carefully watched your reaction. “You know we could just do that thing where we share a document in google docs right? We don’t necessarily need to come over to each other’s houses for a little presentation project,” you chuckled weakly, dipping your brush in a little bit of water to lighten the pigment.

“I know, but my wifi hasn’t been working very well these days,” he lied through his teeth, leaning back against his arms as he clenched his fists behind him. “You know you’re always welcome to use the wifi from my house right? My wifi’s always fine,” you deadpanned, focusing on the miniscule details of the flowers as you spoke.

“Yeah well, I forgot the password,” Jaemin added on. Truthfully, Jaemin often used your house’s wifi whenever his was being crappy ever since you two shared wifi passwords a long time ago. “Dude, you literally use the wifi from my house all the time, stop lying.” You rolled your eyes at him, making small dots in the blank spaces in between the flowers and the leaves.

“Yeah well-” Jaemin sucked in his lips, not knowing what else to say before letting out a heavy sigh. “Would it really be a crime for me to want to hang out with you again?” he asked with a small frown, flipping one of the dried brushes he was previously given in between his fingers. You tensed up at his words once again, frowning simply as you paused your little painting session to try to calm your heart.

“Are you really doing this here? Right now? In front of all of our friends?” you replied shortly, feeling your throat getting dry as you try to ignore his eyes boring into the back of your skull. “What?” Jaemin raised a brow, unfazed as you turned your head to send him a glare. “I’m not having this conversation with you right now, Jaemin,” you frowned, turning your head to do the last finishing touches on your banner.

“Why not? We’re soulmates aren’t we? Aren’t we suppose to communicate to keep a good relationship between us?” he asked with furrowed brows, ignoring the awkward cough your club mate made beside you. You flushed in embarrassment at his words, taking a deep exhale before glaring at him. “Jaemin, just because I was nice to you in the library doesn’t mean you get to say things like that out of nowhere!” you shot back, your eyes going wide in alarm.

“Why not? I’m just stating facts, aren’t I?” he taunted, watching your face morph into an expression filled with hurt and sadness. “Seriously, Jaemin. I’m exhausted right now, let’s not do this today.” You sighed, wiping the sweat off of your brows with your forearm before standing up, wiping the paint smeared all over your fingers against your apron.

You avoided his glare as you turned your head to Yanan. “Hey Yanan, I think I’m done with my part. Can I go home? I don’t feel too good, right now,” you called out, walking away from Jaemin. “Fuck,” Jaemin muttered under his breath, rubbing his face with his palms in frustration. “Sucks to be you, bro.” Jeno patted Jaemin’s shoulder from behind him before walking away awkwardly to wash the dirty brushes in the water cup you previously used.

“He really isn’t giving up, isn’t he?” Renjun asked with a roll of his eye as you both ate ice cream together in your local diner. You groaned, hitting your head on the table, being careful to avoid hitting your ice cream cup. “I really want to give him a chance but it’s too good to be real, you know?” you explained, sitting up before leaning your cheek against your palm as you played with your ice cream.

“I completely understand,” Renjun nodded, taking a spoonful of his ice cream as he spoke. “I personally think you’re right for giving him a taste of his own medicine, it shows how he should be more grateful to the people around him,” he added on, scraping the sides of his ice cream cup before popping the spoon into his mouth, humming slightly at the taste.

You rolled your eyes at him, pointing your ice cream spoon at him threateningly. “I’m not doing this for revenge, Renjun! That’s way off! I really do want to restart things with him but I don’t think it feels right, you know? With the whole tattoo coverage, the ‘no soulmate’ talk and getting rid of my gifts. For two years! Two damn years, Renjun! I’d never thought the tables would turn like this,” you exclaimed, leaning back against the chair as you crossed your arms, popping the ice cream spoon in your mouth to get a taste of your own dessert.

“It just doesn’t sound too right. It seems suspicious, you know?” you mumbled. Renjun clicked his tongue at you, taking another spoonful of his ice cream as he hummed in understanding. “Did something big happen in the past two months to make him change his beliefs like that?” you asked aloud, making Renjun pause when his mind wandered to that time at the mall where he saw Hyuck, Jeno and Jaemin arguing in public at the corner of his eye.

“Beats me.” Renjun shrugged, shaking the memory out of his head. “Maybe he actually does want to change? I really don’t know what to say about this, I’m sorry,” he chuckled, shrugging his shoulders as he spoke, a smile spreading across his face. You frowned at him, pouting simply as you began to out more thought into the whole ordeal.

“I don’t know if you noticed. But he’s been being a cheesy romantic around me! Hell, he stopped covering his soulmate tattoo! He’s publicly admitting how we’re soulmates! If that’s not suspicious then I don’t know what is!” you exclaimed, making random motions with your hands exasperatedly. “It’s as if the roles have been reversed!” you added, groaning in distress as Renjun watches you stress on about this while casually eating his ice cream.

“I admit, that is quite peculiar and ominous of him. This is just proving my alien theory even more,” Renjun jokes, letting out a light laugh before you sent him a threatening glare. “Shut up, I’m serious! Come on, I’ve bugged him about this for two years to the point he broke that special music box and embarrassed me in front of both of our parents that night to get it through my head. And when I finally leave him alone, he’s started to act like when I found out we were soulmates for the first time,” You furrowed your brows, scrunching your face as your heart started to ache at the brief memory.

Renjun frowned at the mention of that dinner, remembering the first time you called him crying and sobbing your eyes out over the phone. “You know, if you’re really that uncomfortable with it. Have you tried to tell him to stop?” he asked, cocking his head to the side curiously. You nodded, “dude, he even started giving me daisies! Daisies! It’s sweet, really, it is. But it just hurts, you know? What if he’s only doing this for the sake of making other people happy? What if he’s just tried of everyone talking about how he’s probably the only human being in the world to reject his own soulmate?” you rambled.

Renjun frowned as you started to ramble on and on, your eyes becoming glossy as you continued to speak out. “Why are you looking at me like that?” you frowned, furrowing your brows when you see Renjun just casually eating his ice cream while staring at you with a face void of emotion. “I’m just casually listening to the random bullshit spewing out of your mouth,” he replied with a shrug, stirring his ice cream with his spoon.

You frowned. “Rude. Here I am complaining about my deteriorating love life while you’re just enjoying your damn ice cream.” You scoffed, crossing your arms with a small pout. “I know, I’m an amazing best friend.” he grinned, scooping up the remains of his ice cream before popping the spoon into his mouth. “I’m just saying. I’m really concerned for you and all but the more this goes on, I’m starting to view this as some kind of terrible k-drama.” he giggled.

“Really? Just a couple days ago you were looking at me as if I was some dying patient. Now, you’re making fun of my life, this is just getting sad,” you grumbled, rubbing your temples in distress. “Well, if you’re really that uncomfortable, then ask him to stop. I’m sure he has some brain cells left in that brain of his to understand,” Renjun advised, making random hand motions to emphasize his words.

Rolling your eyes, you shook your head ‘no’. “You know very well I hate confrontation. Plus, it’s going to take a toll on my heart, it really hurts, you know?” you leaned on the table, crossing your arms on the table before putting your chin on your arms. “This is going to sound dramatic and cliche but I just want things to go back to normal, you know? I’m tired of feeling so much pain everyday,” you drew random lines on the table with your pointer finger, sighing heavily.

Renjun bit his lip as he watched you close your eyes in content, basking in the calming atmosphere between you two with furrowed brows. His mind lost in thought as he let out a soft sigh of his own, wondering what he could do to help you.

T A G L I S T : @candiednickles @itlittlefangirl @cherrym4rk @gotoartistprofile @d-nghyck @kingjvngins @aconeptun @chaeshii @lixseu @morks-watermelon @12am-musings @cherrystay @lowkeyviv @btm-taeyong @gothmingguk @luvlyjaemin @cowward @smileyyuta @cakelyn @uncovermenow666 @comically-sleep-deprived @wtfhaechan @xcherrybbyx @wishing–butterfly @wordsgodeep @seeing-dreams

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Do please inform me if you changed your username. Send me an ask, dm me or comment if you wanted to be added to the tag list!

#NCT-WRITERS #neo-constellations #neowritingsnet #nct x reader #nct dream x reader #nct dream jaemin x reader #nct dream na jaemin x reader #na jaemin x reader #jaemin x reader #nct u x reader #nct 127 x reader #jaemin angst #nct angst

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runephoenix6769 · 4 years

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ATLAB / LOK and Nickelodeon’s Enforced Gendered Viewership.

https://thesummoningdark.tumblr.com/post/619001411756310528/gayna-scully-prokopetz-silkktheshocka With regards to this long ass post. (And I’m gonna slightly deviate from the original topic.) The really messed up thing with Nick, with concern to Korra. I read somewhere that when they were first doing concept designs for LOK, that the Nick execs railed against a female avatar cause they thought/(wanted to market) Avatar Last Airbender as strictly a Boys show. When faced with the designs of a really buff, muscular Korra, Nick wasnt overly keen, because they thought her supposed lack of femininity would put boys off

They wanted her to be more feminine (even though Korra was meant to be a more physical Avatar in comparison to Aang.) And Mako would be more front and centre in aiding Korra. Guess what they found when they market tested the designs? Girls were absolutely thrilled. And the boys? The boys couldn’t give two shits about Korra’s supposed lack of femininity. They loved the fact she could punch through shit. They thought Korra’s design was ‘cool’ and ‘badass’!

(my opinion) So whilst the Nick execs were all patting themselves on the back that their fucked up view and enforced gendering of viewer ship still carried some weight, they obviously didnt think to actually look/take on board the actual content of ATLAB and maybe wonder why exactly it was so immensely popular and who exactly the fandom base was made up of.

ATLAB had some of the strongest, most well rounded female characters on tv at the time. There’s a reason why Azula, Katara and Toph are so popular. Why Suki, Ty Lee and Mai are so beloved.

Not a single one of them is a damsel in distress. Hell, more often than not they handed the boys their ass in a fight. Azula and Katara are bending masters in their respective element at 14 and Toph, a blind girl, at 11, in a world that it is heavily implied that most bending Adults have not reached that level of skill. Toph creates her own off shoot of Earth Bending by being the first metal bender. Azula is seen as an outlier by being able to create and bend lightening, never mind her signature and unique blue flame. Katara, under duress, masters the rare ability to blood bend, (being second person to do so that we know of in ATLAB) and has such a command of waterbending she can quite literally suck moisture out of the ground creating a barrier that torrential rain cannot penetrate.

Even in the small snippet we get of Avatar Kyoshi, she is ruthless and takes no prisoners. (and one of the main reasons why people have been clamoring for Kyoshi content spawning the books the ‘Rise of Kyoshi’ and the sequel that is following this year, ‘Shadow of Kyoshi’.)

If the Nick execs had cared to take notice of the themes and arcs of some of the characters they might have seen how part of Sokka’s character arc was growing from an ignorant misogynist to a young adult who learned over time and regularly took a hefty gulp of respect women juice. (A message that the Nick Execs might have benefited from when dealing with LOK.)

Aang, the titular protagonist learns bending from two of his female peers and often defers to their superior skill and knowledge, until he masters them. Were the Nick execs that dense that they genuinely believed that all these amazing female characters, created by Bryke and colab narratives by Ehasz, were there to appeal only to boys? To represent boys? The ratio of male to female main heroes/villains is 3 boys, 6 girls and 2 male adults. (one adult we dont even see until the last season.) The ATLAB fandom was massively made up of girls, and by virtue those girls would more than likely migrate to LOK, specifically because it was a female Avatar hoping for the same depth of character and positive representation, which makes Nick’s whole fucked up enforcing of gendered viewership all the more baffling. Again, had the Nick Execs not watched ATLAB if they thought they could tout it as ‘just’ another action show and its subsequent spin off LOK?

ATLAB at it’s core is about the interpersonal relationships, the struggles one faces when growing up, dealing with dark themes in a way that kids can understand and older viewers can relate. The war is the back drop, the action part of the draw but not main spectacle.

Had they not done their research, saw the trend of who exactly the audience consisted of and thought, ‘hey maybe its a good idea to maybe stop enforcing, dictating gendered viewership?’ and maybe not continue to labour under the belief that ‘girls dont like action’! Legend of Korra and ATLAB are still being discussed to this day and not only because it has the industry standard of redemption arcs by which all redemption arcs since have tried to emulate and hold a candle to. (SPOP I’m looking in your direction, congrats btw.) but also because of its representation, strong female characters and compelling villains. Outside of Korra (/Asami), guess who are the most popular characters? Kuvira and Lin Beifong.

Now getting back to the actual content of the OG post. There aint alot or ATLAB or LOK merch in general outside of comics and plushies. (There was a poor attempt made at merchandsing on the M Night Shabigamoo’s god awful adaptation..... but shhhhhhhh, we aint even gonna get into that.) But of the merchandise that is available one in particular stands out as being in high demand.

I typed into google ‘Azula Funko Pop’ and this is the first image!

(Look at that price, it’s insane!)

Now that might be a case of price gouging because she was a US Gamestop exclusive but it in no way detracts from the fact that FUNKO POP is aware of just how popular Azula is therefore by virtue she is a prime candidate for exclusivity and would have collectors clamoring to buy her.

Even Aang in the Avatar state isn’t an exclusive nor is the new Legend of Korra funkos that were meant to be released this June/July ,( which now might be pushed back Covid19 pending).

Now, who exact was Azula created for? Yes, a foil for Zuko and a way to explore familial dysfunction, a mirror to what Zuko could have been if he hadn't been banished and had the support and guidance of his Uncle Iroh. Her subsequent mental breakdown is heart wrenching and a compelling take on what goes on underneath a villain’s impenetrable armor, that the ravages and victims of war are not just found in the body count.

But for most of the show, Azula is flouncing round the world with her two more than capable and dangerous in their own right, sidekicks, Ty Lee and Mai thrashing the gAang for the most part, kicking ass and taking names whilst also successfully heading a relatively bloodless coup of Ba Sing Se.

How on earth with all that could Nick still be so bull headed as to continue to double down on maintaining it be a show strictly marketed to boys and then get pissed when it when girls flocked to it? And the comments made in the OG post are correct. Nick showed their displeasure by fucking around with LOK’s time slot on more than one occasion, claimed it’s ratings were dropping (no shit sherlock, wonder why?) before moving it to the web. (where ironically, it thrived.) and then they slashed it’s budget forcing Bryke to trim the animation in places, namely the outfits of the characters, so they could put the money towards the animation of scenes they had been building up to such as Korra’s style of metal bending, which would be more fluid given her OG element was water.

Now imagine the show we might have gotten if Nick hadn’t been a bunch of arseholes, hadn’t tried to enforce their outdated misogynistic views and thrown a massive hissyfit?

Roll on the live action re-imagining with Bryke at the helm. I’m sure Netflix wont be trying to claim or market it as ‘a show strictly for boys’! And thankyou to Bryke, for this.

#atlab #lok #avatar the last airbender #legend of korra #gendered viewership #korra #azula #aang #toph #katara #zuko #sokka #bryke #bryan konietzko #aaron ehasz #michael dante dimartino

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zappho · 4 years

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Some Meta on Murdock and mental illness

Generally speakig, The A-Team is a dumbass, light-hearted comedy with action on the same level as youtube poop videos. Obviously there isn’t alot of depth to be found here. The show had tons of different writers, all with their own take on Murdock and none of them offer any clear info or a proper backstory for the character. It’s basically up to the audience to fill in the blanks and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do by overanalyzing the mess that is the show’s canon.

The question of whether Murdock is ‘‘‘really crazy or just faking’‘’ has been around for over 30 years, but I’m gonna argue that he’s both.

When Kelly visits Murdock in the psychiatric hospital and confronts him about why he’s living there in the first place he gets instantly uncomfortable.

He really didn’t want her to ask, it’s why he’s been avoiding her. Joking about how you’re hashtag crazy™ is easy; having to admit that you’ve been institutionalized for over 10 years because you have legitimate problems is much harder. (Sure, the VA also gives him a convenient cover from the military police, but if that was the only reason for him to stay he wouldn’t react to Kelly’s question in this way). “It’s a long story”, is all he says. There are clearly some painful memories here that he’d rather not delve into.

He’d have to explain how he got committed in the first place. We know that after the gang was arrested for war crimes in ‘71, Murdock was still serving as a pilot in ‘72. They never clarified when and how Murdock was sent home, but i’m guessing without his only friends around and it being, you know...war, his mental health eventually deteriorated until he received a medical discharge straight into the VA hospital.

After Murdock gets wrongly released in season 1, instead of his friends being worried about his supposed cover getting blown they just shrug it off and go ‘Oh well!’ (This could all be due to the show’s inconsistent writing, but you know)

No longer being an inpatient would finally allow Murdock to be employed as a pilot again (his #1 passion), and yet he seems really disheartened about the situation. Even though the hospital gives him no privacy, the staff barely respects him and he spends most of his time there by himself, he still prefers to stay.

For a character who’s allegedly cheery comic relief, he sure gets his feelings hurt alot, mainly when dealing with other people’s ableism towards him. B.A. and Face are obviously just palling around, just guys bein’ dudes, they don’t want to hurt Murdock for real, they probably don’t realize how sensitive Murdock is about the subject. Usually he plays along or shrugs it off, but sometimes he gets genuinely upset. In the first half of In Plane Sight he’s so fed up with it he tries to ‘‘act normal’‘ until #Woke #Queen Hannibal reassures him that they love him the way he is.

PTSD was barely starting to become a diagnosis when the show first aired, but I think it’s fair to say he suffers from it. The pilot episode states that he has anxiety, paranoia and memory loss, so that checks out.

With PTSD you don’t just have to deal with flashbacks and nightmares, but also intrusive thoughts, images and memories about your trauma. Murdock copes with it by getting hyperfixated on a new activity or pretending he’s someone else. This is were alot of people will go ‘‘haha wow look how wacky and insane he is! He’s talking to his sock 😂’‘. But Murdock knows it’s all made up nonsense, he just needs his mind to focus on something else. What’s important here is that he never lets his coping mechanisms distract him when he’s flying, first of all he’s already focused and also he doesn’t wanna crash (lol). There’s a believability to his actions that’s missing in the 2010 reboot.

In the episode where the gang helps out the vietnamese cook from the POW camp where they’ve been tortured, Murdock tries to distract himself with some golfballs. He soon starts projecting his trauma on them however.

I think this is the only time in the show where Hannibal tears up, so this scene is kinda significant. As the leader, he probably blames himself for getting his team captured and tortured, and seeing that Murdock is still so strongly affected by it gotta hurt.

Compared to the rest of the gang, Murdock’s alot more fucked up over the war. There are subtle changes in his voice whenever he talks about it. In the ep about their old war buddy Ray, Face was reminiscing about how cool of a guy Ray was for borrowing him his helmet, Murdock’s memories meanwhile are much less upbeat. ‘My bird was the only one left in the sky’ he remembers while we see an image of a field filled with shot down helicopters. His experiences are bound to be different from the other three as a huey medevac pilot. Murdock did have one off-screen breakdown in the present timeline, after collecting every newspaper article about the upcoming execution of the team in Firing Line. Apparently it was bad enough that he had to be restrained. It’s been 10 years, so he’s recovering and getting better, but he’s still not all there yet.

Everyone knows Murdock’s just messing around when he’s being interrogated by the military about his connections to the team, but like what about when the military isn’t there; or NO ONE is. He often talks to himself or just puts weird shit in his mouth for no reason while nobody’s paying attention to him (eating leaves, paint, an entire raw egg, a frozen sandwich). Sometimes he’s just unhinged like that.

Another thing that’s brought up a few times in the show is his anxiety. Murdock’s often seen being generally tense, sweaty, uncomfortable or reflective in the background of a scene. (I have no idea if this was a deliberate acting choice but Dwight does have anxiety irl so who knows if that had anything to do with it, I mean who knowsssssss, i’m just observing)

He’s got a habit of fidgeting with his hands or touching his neck when he’s stressed out. Murdock also does it when he’s telling his psychiatrist Dr. Richter about his dreams “If you were me, wouldn’t you be terrified to put your head down?” he asks him.

Richter isn’t really paying attention though, because he’s so used to Murdock’s non-stop clownery, he can’t exactly tell when his patient decides to be honest about his feelings for once. He just replies ‘Well only if it was a bad dream’. Which really irritates Murdock because what other dreams besides bad would he have? So he derails the session by rambling some made up bullshit on purpose.

Richter knows that Murdock uses humor and fantasy to cope, but he’s obviously tired of Murdock’s cringe antics, he just wants to help him. But Murdock doesn’t like to open up and be confronted with his traumas again, he just wants to avoid talking about it all together. There are still parts of reality that Murdock’s not ready to deal with, or he wouldn’t always retreat into his fantasies.

Before he can continue messing around a helicopter passes by and Murdock freezes for a second. Richter assures him that the helicopter is real; Murdock nods and starts fidgeting with his hands again, seemingly in deep thought. We know from the season 4 finale that he hears the sound of rotor blades when he dissociates. He was definitely being sincere here.

After getting drugged by some military goons he has a few brief flashbacks (feat. cheesy 80′s neon filters): seeing the chopper fly away, getting stuck in a potted plant as if he was walking through the jungle, being surrounded by heavy smoke and sparks from the burning carpet).

Despite being the 2nd highest ranked team member, Murdock dislikes being in charge and gets severly distressed when anything goes wrong that he might even be slightly responsible for. Most notably is the episode where the owners of the diner get kidnapped after Murdock got knocked out by evil cowboys or hill billies or whatever they were. Instead of telling anyone what happened, he’s just lying on the floor, repeatedly calling himself a failure until the others show up.

Seems like Murdock gets startled more easily than the rest of the crew as well. We often see him flinch when guns go off; one time he literally wore fluffy ear muffs to a backalley shootout.

This short moment from Family Reunion always stood out to me. Face opens the van door a little too quickly and it takes Murdock so off-guard he has to take deep breaths to calm down.

Murdock sounds exhausted when he has to remind Face not to sneak up on him. Face also realizes he messed up, he just wanted to check up on Murdock and not trigger him on accident.

When it comes to portrayals of mental illness in fiction there’s obviously better representation out there than Murdock. But sometimes you just wanna see a mentally ill character have a good time instead of being miserable 24/7. And Murdock’s already got the worst behind him, he’s had therapy for years and friends who love him. I just think that’s refreshing to see, especially with a character who’s so kind and openly affectionate.

#the a team #hm murdock #howling mad murdock #mental illness #dwight schultz #meta #out here being corny at 2am #ptsd

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honeyxmonkey · 4 years

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MWUHAHAHAHAHA!!!! time for angst

The sword pressed closer to Hugo's neck and Andrew curled his fingers tightly into his hair, drawing a pained hiss from Hugo.

"Before I kill you," the saporian grinned wickedly at Varian. "I'm going to make you watch me very slowly, kill your little boy toy here, Varian."

Varian's eyes darted desperately from Hugo to Andrew.

"Please. Please don't hurt him." Varian begged. "He-he has nothing to do with this."

"Oh, I know that. I just want to make you suffer for betraying Saporia." Andrew pressed the sword even closer, drawing a thin line of blood. "Traitors to Saporia pay with their lives. And now, for you, with your heart."

Varian surged forward but was quickly stopped by the chains holding him down. "No! Andrew leave him alone!"

Andrew clicked his tongue, shaking his head a little. "I wouldn't do that if I were you. We wouldn't want to make this more painful for him, now would we?"

He leaned down closer to whisper in Hugo's ear. "Now, what would be the most efficient way to dispose of you in the way that will hurt Varian the most?"

"Screw you." Hugo spat.

Andrew sighed, backing away only to jam his sword into Hugo's shoulder from behind.

Hugo screamed in pain, leaning away from Andrew as much as he could with his hands chained behind his back.

Varian pulled on his own chains, desperately trying to reach his boyfriend. "No! No, stop! Andrew stop! Please!"

"Oh, Varian. When will you learn that this is your fate? Once a traitor, always a traitor. You and this boy, are going to die today. And let me tell you, it won't be pleasant."

Andrew walked in front of Hugo, lifting his chin up with the tip of his sword.

"I think a few deep cuts should be enough for you to bleed out, right?" He looked at his accomplices. "What do you think, Kai?"

Kai surprisingly looked rather worried. "I dunno, Andrew. I think we should kill them quickly. Their friends are bound to be looking for them."

"Oh don't worry about them. They would never think to look here." Andrew grinned evilly and turned back to Hugo. "So, anything you want to say before you die?"

Hugo glared at him. "If I could flip you off I would."

Andrew's eyes narrowed. "I don't think you should've said that."

And with those words, the saporian drove his sword into Hugo's abdomen, earning him a gasp of pain from the blond and a scream of horror from Varian.

"No!" Tears streamed down Varian's face as he watched Hugo collapse. He turned to Andrew, pure, maddened fury in his eyes. "I'll kill you, you son of a-"

Andrew suddenly grabbed Varian's face, yanking the boy towards him. "This is what happens to traitors. They lose the ones they love," he nodded his head towards Hugo who's breathing was already shallow and heavy. "And they lose their lives."

Varian furiously yanked on his chains, his glare hardening.

"You should've died all those years ago, Varian. Because you delayed this, you dragged somebody else down with you."

He pulled away to run his sword through Varian's heart when they heard alot of shouting.

Andrew growled in irritation. He looked back at Varian. "Until next time, I guess."

With that, he and the other saporians disappeared, leaving Varian alone with no way to get to Hugo who was very quickly losing the fight.

Varian once again felt tears come to his eyes. He didn't know how long it would be until they found them and by the time they did it would be too late.

"Goggles?" Hugo's weak voice called out to him.

Varian looked at him and almost cried more. The idiot had the nerve to smile.

"It's gonna be okay, Hugo. We're going to get out of here, alive."

Hugo searched his eyes before speaking again. "I love you, Varian."

Varian could tell it had been hard for him to say anything at all with how heavily he was breathing.

"Hey, don't... don't do that. We're going to get out of this."

Hugo nodded, slumping against the floor. It was an awkward position with the way his hands were behind his back. It did the wonderfully awful thing of letting Varian see just how much blood he was losing.

Finally, finally, finally, their friends burst through the doors. Eugene was the first one in and he immediately went to Varian to unchain him from the wall. Rapunzel was the next one in and she went to Hugo.

Anxiety spiked through Varian as he wondered if they were too late. He couldn't read Rapunzel's face but as soon as Eugene had him freed Varian rushed to Hugo's side.

When he reached him, Varian almost screamed. He was cold, and pale and he wasn't breathing.

"No! No, no, no, no!" Varian held him close, sobs racking his body as he screamed and cried. "Please! Please, no. I can't lose you. Not like this."

Rapunzel and Eugene were at a loss on what to say as they watched Varian have a complete mental breakdown.

"Please..." Varian's sobs slowly stifled into hiccups as he leaned his forehead against Hugo's. "I love you."

Eugene put a hand on Varian's shoulder in an attempt to comfort him but the contact only made him cry harder.

"I'm so sorry, Varian." Rapunzel was close to tears herself. It broke her heart to see her brother like this.

Varian finally began to release his hold on Hugo's body. He looked at Rapunzel and Eugene, bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks.

Rapunzel reached forward and hugged him. Varian returned it with one arm, keeping one hand on Hugo's cheek where his head sat on Varian's lap.

"I'm so, so sorry Varian." Rapunzel squeezed him tightly. "This shouldn't have happened. We should've gotten here faster."

Varian's only response was more tears and Rapunzel didn't mind. She hadn't known Hugo very well but she knew that he had meant the world to Varian.

Eugene looked anxiously at the door. Andrew might come back at any moment. He hadn't known it was just Eugene and Rapunzel who'd come for them. He was bound to have figured it out by now.

"Varian, we need to go."

Rapunzel had released him by now and Varian had gone back to holding his boyfriend's body.

"No!" Varian's voice was shaky and he sounded like he was on the verge of tears again. "We can't leave him here!"

Eugene sighed, his heart aching for his brother. "We don't have time. Andrew could come back at any moment."

Varian looked back at Hugo, tears coming to his eyes once more. "We can't- we can't leave him."

The sound of shouting coming from the other doorway was what prompted Eugene to do something he would never have done under normal circumstances. He grabbed Varian by the arm and pulled him up. He started to basically drag him out of the room as the boy fought him, screaming and thrashing in his grip.

"No! No, Eugene! Please, we can't!" Varian sobbed and yelled, his voice becoming ragged with the way he was screaming for Eugene to put him down. To go back for him.

As soon as they got outside Eugene pushed him onto Max and they rode as fast as they could, Rapunzel not far behind on her own horse.

All the while Varian didn't stop crying. His sobs had become silent tears and when they got back to Corona, he still hadn't said a word.

They dismounted and everyone came streaming out of the castle to see if Varian was alright.

Quirin worriedly looked over his son. "Are you okay?"

Varian didn't answer, staring emptily at the ground. His heart had been shattered into a million pieces and he didn't know if he would ever be able to pick them up again.

"Varian?" Quirin turned his son's face towards him. "Varian, talk to me. What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

He shook his head.

"Then talk to me. Varian, please."

The alchemist started to cry again and Quirin did the only thing he could think of, he pulled Varian into a tight embrace.

He looked helplessly at Rapunzel who looked rather worn.

The princess shook her head, looking sadly at Varian.

It slowly dawned on Quirin that someone was missing. Someone who Varian cared alot about.

"Where's Hugo?"

The question made Varian cry even more and Quirin knew exactly what Varian was feeling. It was pure and utter heartbreak.

"Varian, I'm so sorry." Quirin hugged his son tighter.

After Varian had finished crying he let go of his dad. Quirin felt his own heart break at the look in Varian's eyes. He was completely shattered.

Varian looked down at the ground, only able to think about how he had left Hugo alone, not even knowing what Andrew would do to his body.

Varian felt something awful crawl into the pits of his stomach. Something he hadn't felt in years. An unquenchable thirst for revenge. He wanted to make Andrew pay for what he'd done.

"He's going to pay for this." The words left Varian's mouth so quietly no one else had heard him. "I'm going to make him pay."

#loves me some angst #varigo #varigo angst #varian and the seven kingdoms #seven kingdoms au #varian #hugo #tangled #varian/hugo #alchemy boyfriends #i may do a part 2 #because i love angst #andrew is going to wish he hadnt done that

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boywivlove · 4 years

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| Title | Floral |

| Pairing | Jung Hoseok x Reader

| Word Count | 3k

| Genre | Florist AU, fluff, slight romantic moments

| Summary | Reader has moved back with her parents in her small hometown; after her life hasn't turned out the way she had hoped, and dealing with bouts of depressive thoughts. When she runs into an old friend from school, can he help her through her low point to see the sunlight after the storm?

| Warnings | descriptions of depression and depressive thoughts.

| AN | So this is my second half of the `April showers bring May flowers` collaboration, and I'm really glad to get this out!! This has a mildly gloomy beginning but I promise a fluffy ending!

On a personal note I wrote this fic to kind of get some of my own thoughts out, I think there are alot of us who have gloomy days, and our thoughts are anything less than happy. And I just want to say if anyone reading this also has days like this please know your not alone and you are loved <3 Please enjoy, stay safe, and have a lovely day!

The rain kept coming, pouring down relentlessly as you were stopped at a red light, You didn't mind. If anything it relaxed you. The sound of rain always made it easy for you to fall asleep, driving in the rain drowned out the world to you, making it easier to concentrate on your thoughts, no matter how glum they were. You looked out of your window, the last hours of daylight clinging to the skyline, smudged with the storm clouds that had been gushing rain for the last couple of hours. The weather seemed to match your mood perfectly.

You didn't know exactly when your life started to feel gloomy and dull, but you know it had been a while, almost a year at most. Looking back, you had such high hopes for your life, finish college, finish university, get a good job, move out and live your life. But while you tried your best in education, that's when the thoughts of doubt and paranoia started to bury themselves in your mind.

You were constantly thinking the friends you had grown close to had only tolerated you, and your parents were secretly disappointed in you. It was hard to concentrate on your degree while trying not to have a breakdown in the middle of class. Eventually you had to leave your studies for the sake of your mental health, and you got a new job to keep on top of your rent, and it was good, but after a while, the same nagging thoughts came back, same thoughts, different setting.

You had made your way down the long winding road of the countryside, eventually passing the town's welcome sign. This is where you're going to be staying now, back in the town you grew up in, the town you had imagined all the great things you were going to do with your life. You had decided that you needed a do over, and after a talk with your parents, a decision was made that you would take some time out from everything, and come and stay with them until you get back on your feet.

Leaving your job was hard, but gave you room to exhale and let out some of your anxiousness. But at the same time, you were right back where you started. It's not like you could go back to school, and try and get a degree in a different subject, the only thing you could do was try and work through your issues and try and find a job.

You arrived at your parents house just after 10 pm, and you parked the car in the driveway, leaving the boxes of everything you owned in the garage until your could sort your old room out, your parents had turned it into a pantry, but now it was remade into a room for you, a bed, closet, desk, but the personal touches could come later, right now you wanted to sleep, not even changing out of your clothes you crawled into bed, letting the rain lull you into sleep.

It had been 3 months since you had packed up your life and moved back with your parents, and they had been nothing but supportive, the medication you were given helps only a little with the depressive moments. You had been taking care of yourself and now finally you wanted to start looking for a new job, your parents had said not to worry about rent or paying your way, but you owed it to them, and yourself. You wanted to prove that you could overcome the black dog that hung over you.

It was easier said than done, for a small town, the job opportunities were even shorter. A lot of the businesses here were family owned, and didn't really need any new workers. It had taken you around 30 rejections before you got an offer from a little independent bakery, owned by a lovely old lady named Rose. The pay wasn't great, but hey, it was something, and Rose was lovely, remembering you from when you used to live here as a kid, and gave you a chance.

Now, months later, you and Rose were doing great, you had learnt her tips and tricks for making her baked goods, and found the locals to be a breath of fresh air, the bakery having plenty of regulars to get to know and talk to, a surprisingly nice reprieve from the comings and goings of random faces, a thing that made your old job kind of daunting.

The days you spent in the bakery didn't melt into one, each day had a little something new, a new recipe, new stories from the regulars, and sometimes new faces, and one particular day had a face you had not seen in years.

The sun had finally seemed to come out from behind the clouds, the rain never seemed to stop, but it happened now only with small sprinkles. The hanging baskets of lavender outside the shop dripped onto customers who entered, and the window baskets that held an array of colourful pansies were nicely watered thanks to the rain.

Rose had made you feel so at home in this bakery, and she has so much faith in you, leaving you in charge of the shop for a week or so while she visited her son overseas, and it meant so much to you. Her trust in you had given you something to aspire to.

You were doing your best.

You had just taken another batch of bread rolls out of the oven, and had just set about brewing a pot of coffee when he came in. His hair was speckled in rain droplets as he placed his umbrella in the stand. He approached the counter and peered at the choices. As he was browsing you gave him a once over, he was cute. He was dressed in a white button up shirt and black pants, a long brown corduroy jacket and a deep maroon scarf wrapped around his neck. His face was nice to look at, his hair framed his chiselled jaw nicely, and his shoulders were nice and broad. Now you didn't make a habit of ogling the customers, but you haven't seen this guy in the bakery before, so he was something new to you.

You approached the counter as he was still considering his selection.

“ Hey Rose, you don't have any of those white chocolate almond cookies ready do you?”

He didn't even look up as he was trying to locate the cookie in the rack, it was almost a childlike movement, both his hands placed on the glass and his eyes squinted in concentration. It was oddly familiar to you.

“Hey, not Rose, but we do have some in the oven that are almost ready if you fancy waiting?”

Your voice seemed to surprise him, as his head shot up and his eyes widened slightly

“Oh, I'm so sorry, I never see anyone else behind the counter he he, Is Rose back there?”

He rubbed his nose in a kind of embarrassed movement, looking towards the back room for a second, and then back at you, his eyes roamed your face as he smiled at you.

“Ha ha it's alright, I only started 3 months ago, and sadly no, Rose is visiting her son for a couple of weeks, left me in charge, I`m Y/N”

Your chest puffed slightly, taking pride in the fact that Rose had trust enough in you to leave her business in your care.

“Ahhh Rose must really trust you to leave her pride and joy in your hands,,, wait, Y/N?”

His face was wrinkled slightly, as if trying to remember something that he couldn't quite grasp for a second.

“Yeah? Have we met?”

“ Y/N, Y/L/N from high school ? “

You didn't recognise him at first, it had been so long since you had seen him, but you quickly realised who it was as you remembered the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, and his bright toothy smile.

“.... oh my god, Hobi ?”

Now that was something that you didn't see coming. Hobi, the guy in front of you was Hobi, the high school funny guy who made everyone laugh, the guy who danced out everything he said. Honestly, you had expected him to be long gone from this town by now, he was always so gifted in the way he moved, you thought for sure he could have gone into a career in dancing.

Still, it was nice to see him after so long, when you graduated high school you tried to keep in contact but the distance eventually fizzled the friendship out. You had always felt bad for never getting in touch with Hobi, you were good friends by the time high school ended. But here he was, sitting with you after closing time having tea and cookies.

“I cant believe your here Y/N, it's been so long since I've seen you!”

Hobi took a bite of his cookie, smiling as he did, his smile hasn't changed, still as bright as the sun. You sipped your tea as he spoke.

“Have you been here long? I've only just come back from a vacation so I'm sorry I didn't know you were here, I would have been one of the first to see you if I did”

“No only three months or so, and it's OK Hobi, if anything I'm sorry I never stayed in contact with you, things have been a little difficult for me you know?”

“How so if you don't mind me asking?”

So you filled Hobi in on how you ended up back in your hometown, and how you're working through your feelings, he was sympathetic, but he didn't baby you or try to advise you on how to go about things.

“Anyway enough about myself, have you been here all this time? You never moved away or anything?”

Hobi laughed as he set his cup down, running his hand through his hair, he took out a business card out of his wallet. The gold embellished font against the crisp white background stood out beautifully.

` Fragrant Florals by Jung Hoseok. EST 1978 `

“ I went to college here, I still studied dance like I did in highschool, and my grandma gave me a part time job in the flower shop, when she passed, she left it to me. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do, but the shop has so many memories of my grandma you know?”

You remembered Hobi`s grandmother, she had owned that flower shop for over 30 years, and it was nice to know that Hobi stayed and kept it going. You haven't felt this at ease in a long time, it was as if you finally came home and was able to breathe again, and seeing Hobi again made you feel lighter than air.

“Come with me, I want to show you something”

Hobi had met you as you locked up the bakery for the night, you two had been catching up a lot in the past month, making up for lost time he would say. He would come and visit you on his lunch breaks, grab a coffee and some baked treat and shoot the breeze with you while you had no one to serve. Other times you would stop by his flower shop and bring him a coffee when he was busy. It was nice. You can't believe you let yourself fall out of contact with him.

But as much as you had been enjoying your life lately, you had noticed the negative thoughts starting to creep back into your mind. You would catch yourself thinking of all the ways you would mess everything up, that people will start getting bored of you. That Hobi would start getting bored of you… You wouldn't lie to yourself, You like Hobi. He was always a nice boy growing up, and he was a great guy now. But you knew your feelings for him were starting to become more than friends. And you were so scared about messing things up, that Hobi wouldn't want to be anything more than friends, that stopped you from admitting your real feelings for him.

“Where are we going?”

“Ahh, I'm not saying, you have to close your eyes.”

“Hobi were in the middle of a street, iI cant-”

“Trust me, your gonna love it Y/N”

Hobi flashed you a toothy grin, and covered your eyes with his hands, guiding you toward wherever it was he was taking you. You heard the cars passing by and the occasional person greeted you both. You came to a stop a little while after, as he kept your eyes closed with one hand he rummaged around for his keys, unlocking the door as a bell chimed upon opening it.

“Your shop? Hobi, I've been here a hundred times. Why do I need to keep my eyes closed…”

“Don't open them yet! I just need to get the lights…”

Letting out an airy laugh you kept your eyes closed, the shop had a variety of different smells, but overall smelt earthy, just like Hobi. You heard the click of a light switch, and you felt his presence in front of you. You felt his hands on your arms as he gently guided you to where he wanted you to be. He was so close to you.

Hobi smelled so good. His scent was a mix of fruity, woody hints, but also had hints of spices and earth, all his time tending to his plants and bouquets rubbing off on him in the best way.

“Ok, annnnd, open”

You opened your eyes, letting them get used to the light, and what you saw made you take a surprised breath.

He had taken you into the back of the shop, to his own little greenhouse, and turned it into your own little restaurant. In the centre of the greenhouse, surrounded by his many growing flora, was a small table set nicely with food cooling in dishes. Fairy lights hung above the table, shimmering like stars. Magical. You turned to Hobi with a small smile, his own smile a most bashful as he waited for your response.

“Wow, You did all this?”

“Well, this is a small town, not many places to go you know, I wanted to take us somewhere new, so I thought, why now make somewhere new”

He looked at you with such a fondness, you felt your heart flutter slightly.

“But, I also wanted to take you somewhere that's not crowded, I know you've been feeling down again lately, I can tell. You fiddle with your hands when you start over thinking, I wanted, I wanted to make something special for you.”

You felt yourself well up slightly, his gesture had really touched your heart. He was too good for this world, too good for you. You couldn't contain your tears as they fell down your cheeks. You hugged Hobi as he let you cry onto his shoulder. His arm wrapped around you as he brought his other hand to rest in your hair. It was like something straight out of a romance movie. Made even more so by the tapping of rain that started against the windows.

“Hobi, you're amazing, you know?”

“Ah come on, I just thought you would like a surprise.”

“No, I mean it. You always know just what to do, your kind and caring, and you never make me feel bad about how I feel”

You raised your head to look at him, his eyes held so much care in them, his lips parted slightly, as if contemplating what to say, and looking into your eyes, he must have decided. His face came a little closer to yours, and in the softest of moments, he placed a light kiss to your forehead before resting his chin on top of your head. It was like thunder to you, sending a shiver down your spine. You breathed in his scent as your face nuzzled his neck slightly.

“I'm glad you like it Y/N, I don't want you to feel the way you do about yourself, I know it's hard for you. But I just wish you could see yourself how I see you. You're perfect to me, you always have been.”

“Since when are you this cheesy?”

“Hey cheesy is my forte, and if it makes you happy I'll keep being cheesy”

You shared a laugh, breaking apart from him ever so slightly to look at him again, his hand in your hair made its way to your cheek, his thumb wiping the remaining tears that streaked down your face.

Your mind, ever the interrupter, was screaming at you that this wouldn't last, that this is all a dream. But the thoughts were suddenly silent as Hobi placed his lips on yours, his kiss was soft and delicate, not wanting to overstep a boundary that he might have misread.

You had never felt more at ease. With a deep inhale, it was as if the weight of everything you felt had lifted from your heart, and it finally started to beat again.

You had first thought coming back to your childhood town was a huge step back for your life, but there, in a small flower shop. It was the start of something new, something that you would look back on when you feel yourself slipping into your dark thoughts as a moment that could ground you.

And Hobi, who would tell you everyday that you were worth your weight in gold to him.

#bangtanscenerycollab #bangtanscenery #ficswithluv #hyunglinenetwork #btsbookclub #armysource #bangtanarmynet #bts #bts fanfic #jung hoseok #hoseok #jung hoseok imagine #jung hoseok au #hobi x reader #hoseok x reader #flower shop au

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plague-of-insomnia · 4 years

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How do you make writing goals for yourself? I can't get anything done in time!!!!

Hi, anon! Tysm for sending this writing ask 💕!

Before I answer your question I’m going to take a quick diversion, but I promise it’s relevant, so bear with me.

Many writers focus on word count for goals— and events like Nanowrimo are focused on them.

But the advice I always give people who are either new(ish) to creative writing or are struggling with motivation/procrastination is IGNORE WORDCOUNT.

Throw it out of your mind. Ignore it. Pretend it doesn’t exist.

I have a few reasons for this:

Focusing on wordcount can cause anxiety and guilt. You become fixated on meeting an arbitrary word goal, instead of focusing on just writing. And if you don’t meet your goal, you feel like a failure. I have seen many writers quit bc of this cycle of anxiety and guilt.

Depending on how much you draft, your word count will change dramatically when you revise/edit. For example, the original chapter 8 of Where Demons Hide was ~4000 words, and the second draft I’m finishing up now is almost double that. I expect that the final draft that I post will have yet another shift in wordcount, possibly shrinking a little as I tighten things up. So if you stress yourself out during the first draft, when you go to revise you may realize all that stress was for nothing anyway.

Wordcount is only important if you have an assignment or submission that requires a set number of words, and even then, I would say look at #2, because wordcount should really only play into things in the last draft and be more of a general guideline you look toward as you’re drafting rather than something you use as a roadmap. Do you think the average reader has any context of the number of words in a scene? No. All they care about is flow. Some scenes may flow great with 3000 words, while others only need 300 or they feel dragged out. So I’ll reiterate: word count doesn’t matter.

So now that you’ve tossed word count in your mental wastebasket, we can get to your question about goals.

I always set my goals in two stages: immediate and overall. And I always set these goals in terms of scenes or chapters.

So my immediate goal might be “finish the scene with Sieglinde and Sebastian” while my overall goal is “finish the revision of chapter 8 of WDH.” Immediate goals are one that I will attempt to finish in a single writing session and are comparable to a wordcount goal.

If you have a particularly big scene, it’s fine to break it down into even smaller pieces, so you could say, “write the fight with the boss” as a sub-goal rather than “write the final confrontation scene.” Breaking things up like this can be especially helpful if you have a scene with different aspects, like a dialog moment and an action moment, or a long sex scene that has a foreplay and main sex component, etc.

The important thing is to break your goals into meaningful pieces that you can realistically achieve in one writing session. Everyone works at different speeds, some scenes/aspects take longer to write than others, and it can take a little time for you to find exactly what breakdowns work for you. (And that’s OK!)

You can even set your immediate goals out of the order in which those scenes happen if you feel you need to, or skip a scene you’re struggling with. It’s better to end up with 90% of your goals achieved and then tackling that last one then getting stuck when you’re only 10% in and grinding to a total halt.

I almost always have several goals at once, which I rank in terms of what I want to accomplish first. However, I give myself the flexibility to work on another goal if I’m stuck/not feeling a particular project on that day. This system allows me to “triage” and tackle the most important things first, and helps keep me organized.

Don’t forget to forgive yourself if you don’t meet your goal. Maybe you had a headache and couldn’t think as well as normal. Maybe the scene was more complicated than you’d expected, or you didn’t have quite enough research done for it. Maybe the dog next door was barking and you couldn’t concentrate.

It’s OK! Instead of focusing on the negative: “I didn’t finish the scene,” focus on the positive: “I got a good chunk of the dialog hammered out.”

Remember that this is a draft. Even if it’s a revision you’re doing, it doesn’t have to be perfect. The important thing is laying down a foundation that you can tweak later.

Even the worst paragraph can be fixed or expanded upon later, but you can’t work from nothing. So any progress is progress.

Part of the reason I break my goals into bite-sized chunks within a larger piece is because it gives you a sense of progress.

For example, if you’re working on a long chapter, if you tackle it scene by scene it won’t feel as daunting as it may have otherwise. Plus, you can see your progress building as you finish scene after scene! Before you know it, you’ll have met your overall goal.

But now maybe you’re wondering how do you even figure out what a “writing session is”?

This depends on a lot of things and it’s not something I can set for you. Some people only have a limited amount of time to write, while others have more flexible schedules.

My suggestion is to set yourself an alotment of time to write on a regular basis. Maybe this means writing an hour before bed. Maybe it means writing during your lunch break. Or maybe you can only write on the weekends.

But the important thing is to set your schedule during a realistic time—if you know you’ll be too tired to write before bed then find another time—and stick to it as much as you can.

It doesn’t have to be every single day, if your health/schedule doesn’t allow for that. But it has to be regular or you will struggle to meet even the smallest of goals. So even if it’s only one day a week, you need to only skip a day if you really absolutely have to, and get in that habit, create that self discipline.

For example, ideally I write every week day for maybe ~5 hours total. I usually take the weekends off bc having down time is important.

I can’t do keep that schedule all the time because of my health, and it’s frustrating, but that’s part of it. As long as you put your butt in your chair and work when you can, that’s what matters. Decide what you’re going to tackle for that session and go for it. Don’t edit. Don’t check your word count and limit your distractions.

I put my dogs away, go to my computer, with a beverage, and write. I do take breaks. In fact, I’ll sometimes even set a time goal for myself (“I’ll write for two hours or until I finish my scene”). Timed goals can work really well for some people, though I’m not a big fan of them myself for a lot of reasons. I use them less as a goal and more as a way to make sure I don’t overwork myself.

I didn’t mention it, but you can also set goals for what I call “writing adjacent” things, like research, coming up with titles, etc. I sometimes do this, and those work themselves into my goal sheet along with my scene and chapter goals.

I really hope that helped you a bit, anon, and wasn’t too rambling! If you have other questions about this or anything else, feel free to send another ask. Good luck and happy writing 💕!

#my writing advice #my writing process #setting writing goals #writing #writblr #poi answers #long post #anon

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dyinglaugh · 4 years

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The place I work at is an international company that looks super great on paper and shows the best face to customers and the outside world. In fact, they suck ass. Like a lot. They want to have robots do thier work and such for them but instead have humans that they work like slaves. No, really. I am not exaggerating. If you are unable to complete a shift, you get points/time taken and when you're in the negative you're fired. Sounds reasonable but when you have medical problems or family emergencies you're still penalized and not excused (you have to use time you have to cover any missed shift time). I have medical issues that can be accommodated but the process is such with this company that it makes you just throw your hands up and quit, so I havent tried (the process is convoluted and arduous on purpose to make workers not want to do this). I have stories from friends who also work here that will make youre blood boil.

1: My coworker has a daughter that is now 7-8years old. When she was 4, she had gotten very sick and needed to go to the hospital and stay for a while to get better. My coworker, upon getting that call at work went to management and requested to leave early as this was at the time an emergency. He didn't have time left (idk why) but wanted to be with his 4 year old child to make sure she was OK. When management noticed he had no time available all they said was "you can go but you may be fired for leaving early with not enough time" (paraphrased). He couldn't leave his job there as getting fired meant no money to buy food, pay the hospital, pay bills, etc. So he was then forced to continue working while his child was sick. (She's ok now though.)

2: Another coworker had gotten a frantic call from her daughter that the family dog (that was in my coworkers life before her daughter was even born) had been hit by a car, dragged by the car, and is now fighting for its life to see its owner before it died, needed her home to say goodbye. My coworker, crying/sobbing that her best friend for many years was going to suffer in wait, went to a manager and explained the situation. Upon seeing that my coworker had no time left to leave early, the manager then made her follow him around to talk to other managers to "see what they can do". The dog died in the street, without her human (my coworker) because the managers decided to dawdle and make her walk with them knowing full well what they were doing. At some point my coworker called her daughter to find out that the dog died while she being dragged around the warehouse with a manager who was "looking for a way to help" when in reality all that was accomplished was a waste of time and a life lost.

3: In order to enter the warehouse, you have to go through security and the turnstiles and then get your temp checked by a thermal camera. The second you open the doors to get to the turnstiles, there are 6-7feet tall industrial style fans to cool your skin temp before being checked. So if you have a fever and enter the building, your temp is reduced by these fans enough so that you can continue to work and make the company profit. They said that its to cool the building down but there are literally hundreds of fans everywhere to do that. So why do these ones need to be placed specifically by the doors?

4: We are encouraged to tattle on coworkers when we see a "violation". Such things include sitting anywhere besides the breakdown or lunchroom. We stand for 10.5 hours. The entire fucking shift. And get in trouble for being in pain caused by this. Also, if we need a bathroom break, we have 6 minutes to do that. This includes getting to a bathroom (2mins), doing your business, and then getting back to where you were. Many people have been written up, including myself (lactose intolerant=bad night) for being "off task " for more than 30mins that shift simply by going to the bathroom a few times. Drink less? The warehouse is typically between 75-90 degreesF (winter versus summer) and quite a few people EVERY WEEK pass out due to heat stress or dehydration, so less water isn't an option.

I dont have those types of problems at the moment where a life will be lost or is in trouble and i hope it never happens. I had heard these stories from my coworkers and I suspect that managers get reprimanded for trying to be lax about the more ridiculous rules. I myself am going through the problem of not being able to apply for medical leave. I'm in the negatives with time as I type this because every single person I've been emailing to fix my system issues in the portal to open a case, has blown me off. I dont know why this company treats the workers so shitty, except they are worldwide and literally every single person uses thier services. I won't say the name since id like to not be fired but I will give the hint that its an online store with the same name as a big tropical jungle. I've talked to managers there that i can tell hate the policies that work against the workers (alot of the policies do) and the good managers are frustrated too.

The system designed by the company is basically like this: low-level worker is promoted slightly and given 50%-100% more work than before with promise of a better pay and such and all they have to do is enforce the policies and step on people to do exactly that. They themselves are still being trampled by the higher ups while being promised that they will get bigger boots to stomp on low-level workers the better they work.

I despise this company so much that I tell every single person the horrors the company will do and will cover up in order to deter them from using thier services. I understand that prices found through this company are better than almost every other company so its just cost effective with people. I dont condemn people for using that company at all actually. Just those who, despite knowing the hardships and harsh treatments of the workers, laugh and still use it saying, " if its so bad why not leave?"

I'll tell you why. Because the company pays ok enough and offers ok enough benefits that we the workers feel trapped. If we leave, who will hire people that have very few skills since they spent years in a warehouse? If we leave, how will we find a better or equal paying job ($15-16/hr starting)? I have hunted and searched for such a job because of my frustration and found absolutely nothing. This company traps workers in a way that makes it so impossible to leave that many fall victim to depression or other mental/physical illness.

Speaking of, I have heard in the half year of working there of at least 3 people almost killing themselves- thats right SUICIDE- due to the stress. In response, the company sends out information and messages and notifications about Suicide Awareness and Prevention. AS IF THEY DONT KNOW THAT THEYRE THE CAUSE. I personally have thought, " if I kill myself, the company can leave me alone. I wont have to work here anymore and suffer almost every night through inconceivable pain without hope of going home". See, I have chronic migraines that put me out of commission for 20 out of 30days a month. Not only have I worked while sobbing and not being able to see or breathe (one of many symptoms I have) I've been forced to continue working until my illness has progressed until I can no longer function. I can't move or see or breathe or hear or anything at that point. I can only focus on one thing and its typically forcing myself to CONTINUE WORKING because the company doesn't care enough to let me leave early. I end up having panic attacks in the bathroom and vomiting due to the pain. This company, as far as I've heard through people I've talked to everywhere, hasn't officially killed people. Unofficially, i had talked to someone that had almost overdosed in order to be free of the company.

Now, I dont include names simply because I'm not a rat or snitch or whistle blower or etc. and because I dont want them to get in trouble for speaking out. I am posting this here because hopefully, its anonymous enough that I dont get in trouble either. I just hope that before anyone chooses to use this company (that has the same name as a jungle), they remember this post. I hope that this is spread everywhere so that everyone knows the horrors the workers have to deal with. I hope so much that someone reads this and chooses to spend that extra dollar on a different website to not add to this billionaires' pockets. Please, repost. Spread this around and add stories of your own because you're not alone. I promise.

#horriblejobs #this is ridiculous #truthbomb #wildthatthecompanyisstillexisting #like holy shit #is this even legal #how is this legal #spreadthiseverywhere #bad bosses #no joke #complete truth

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renjunvinates · 5 years

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From Me To You

Summary: At one point all of them liked you, but there’s someone who has kept their strong feelings for you this entire time. Different liking timelines, but one same boy. Seven anonymous letters with Seven boys, but ONE secret confession letter leaked. Who wrote the letter?

word count: 2.7k

slty masterlist - prologue 1 - prologue 2

1 Mark Lee - The Childhood Best Friend 2 Huang Renjun - The Next Door Neighbor 7 Lee Jeno - The Basketball Captain 3 Lee Donghyuk - My Brother’s Roommate 5 Na Jaemin My Brother’s Best Friend 4 Zhong Chenle - My Astronomy Partner 6 Park Jisung My Dance Parter

Huang Renjun The Next Door Neighbor

I sighed in disbelief at Mark telling me the person in love with me has a J in their name, that’s like FOUR BOYS, I mentally screamed. The next person was my next door neighbor Huang Renjun. I mean yes I liked Renjun, do I still now? Maybe? I mean there’s Jeno but it doesn’t exactly hold the same feelings like I did for Renjun. I’ve known Renjun ever since we were kids, ever since I moved here into that house, I mean he’s always been there for me whether I liked it or not, and that's what I liked about him. He was always willing to stay by my side even if I didn’t want anyone by my side, he would sit beside me in silence leaving his presence there, and I wasn’t going to lie, it helped me alot and I appreciated it so much. He’s talented when it comes to drawing and painting and it’s so cute when he gets new inspiration or when he shows me his new art works. Maybe that’s why I fell in love with him when we were younger? He was so innocent and cute and always so supportive even when I tried pushing him away, he’s seen many sides of me, awkward, loud, shy, quiet, different personalities that I didn’t mind showing because I felt comfortable around him, but as time passed, I gave up on Renjun because it seemed like he was more invested into friendship than relationships, which I didn’t exactly mind, but it hurt a little bit. Regardless, it seemed like he wasn’t interested in me, or didn’t care enough so I decided to move on, but now finding out that he also wrote a confession letter that changes all perspectives and feelings, and I wasn’t going to lie, it gave me hope to believe maybe he liked me? I like Jeno, but nothing beats Renjun, he’s always going to hold a special place in my heart.

I looked at the other 2015 letter, May 2. I could only assume it’s Renjun, I mean we’ve known each other ever since we were kids, but even then it could maybe Jisung. Jisung and I have been dance partners ever since we were kids too, and it doesn't help that his name has a J too.

I sighed really loudly and plopped onto Mark’s bed as he looked at me and plopped down next to me too.

“Whatcha thinking?” He asked.

“The letters, Renjun, and Jisung. Just everything,” I replied.

“The May 2nd 2015 letter?”

“Yeah, they mentioned the words ever since we were kids, and I’ve known Renjun, Jisung, and you ever since we were kids,”

“Oh they have J’s in their name,” He laughed.

“I will sock you, if you are trying to make this situation funny,”

“It’s just a joke, please don’t hurt me,”

“Mark, what do I do, what if Renjun or Jisung still like me, what if I can’t return their feelings, especially with Jisung,” I whined.

“Wait, didn’t you like Renjun at one point?”

“Well yeah, but like, I’m kinda over him and I like Jeno,”

“That’s right, I mean rejection is part of life?”

“This isn’t funny Mark. I don’t want to hurt them. Jisung is like my little brother and my dance partner imagine losing him because I don’t feel the same way!!!”

“That’s also a thing,”

“I just, if Renjun liked me? I don’t know how to feel, I mean it took me so long to suppress these feelings and to move on, and now that I have and I’ve moved on to Jeno, I don’t know,”

“You really love all of us don’t you?”

“You guys are like the best boys ever, I can’t bare to lose you all,”

“Relax, it’s going to be okay, we’ll always be by your side,”

“I know, you know I hate hurting people,”

“I know you do, but we’re boys we can take it, I mean look at me, I did,”

“Mark Lee this isn’t about you,”

“I know, but seriously don’t think about it too much,”

I sighed in frustration and took Mark’s pillow and screamed into it, and as that happened the doorbell rang, and I assumed it was one of the boys or Areumi. I laid there looking at Mark’s ceiling, and then I heard a knock on the door, and there it beholds Renjun.

“Hey, Mark said you be up here,” Renjun said.

“Hey,” I replied.

“The rest of them are downstairs, thought you should know,”

“Oh yeah, thanks,”

“You seem in distressed, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, just you know rough day at school,”

“Oh tell me about it,” He smiled.

My heart kinda fluttered, his smile will always be cute and pure and something I cannot resist.

“Nah, I don’t want to bore you, besides we’re here to have a good time, not here to listen on my tragic anger stories about teachers and people I hate at school,”

“You know I really don’t mind,”

“I know you don’t you’ve always been like this, and I can appreciate it alot, thanks Renjun, but we should go and head down the stairs,”

“Okay, you know i’m always here for you and always all ears,” “I know you are,” I smiled.

I got off the bed and proceeded to head out the door, and then Renjun followed me after. I went down the stairs and saw everyone at the couch already snuggling with each other and already comfortable. Areumi and gave me a weird look and then waved at me, and gave me a mischievous smile.

“Didn’t think to call us?” Renjun said.

“Oh please, it’s not like you want to watch a movie,” Donghyuk jokes.

“I will personally walk up to you and choke you,” Renjun glared.

“Oh no, Mark save me,” Donghyuk said.

“Choke him,” Mark encouraged.

“Okay, no choking, we’re here to watch a movie, it’s a friday night, let's please keep it peaceful,” Chenle said.

“And this is why I adore you Chenle, you’re such an angel,” Areumi said.

“Yeah a big head angel,” Jisung jokes.

“Hey you have a big head too,” Chenle said.

“Yeah big head,” Mark said.

“Mark Lee don’t be talking like that, when your big head too,” I said.

“Are we gonna watch the movie or not,” Donghyuk complained.

“If you guys make room on the couch, that would be great,” I said.

“Jaemin, Jeno scoot over, there’s no need to hog the couch, we all know you guys love each other,” Donghyuk said.

“We do not love each other, we’re bro’s” Jeno said.

“Awh Jeno, why can’t you just admit we’re in love,” Jaemin said.

“Because we’re not,” He rolled his eyes.

“Okay well make room, and let’s start the movie please,” I said.

Jaemin scooted over and so did Jeno, I sat in the middle and then Renjun sat next to me, I didn’t know what had gotten over me because usually I don’t care but ever since finding out about the confessional letters and knowing someone in this group liking me, yeah it essentially made me even more nervous. I sat there having my heart beat like it was some kind of a heart attack and suffered immensely sitting there panicking for like an hour and then finally deciding to excuse myself from the others to go get a drink.

I walked to the kitchen and took a deep breath and grabbed a drink from the fridge and placed it on top of my forehead to cool down, as I was pacing back and forth, Areumi walked in and looked at me.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Oh you know panicking and having a mental breakdown but what else is new?” I replied.

“What happened?”

“Well good news, Mark doesn’t like me, and I eliminated one of the letters. Mark knows who’s in love with me but won’t tell me, he gave me a hint telling me it’s someone that starts with a J. Which doesn’t help because that eliminate two boys not including Mark. So it’s either Renjun, Jeno, Jaemin, or Jisung,”

“You’re speaking too fast again, jeez your habits, please breathe and speak,”

“I’m lost and confused because I have one letter with me and it’s the other 2015 letter since Mark took the other one already, and it’s the one that talks about ever since we were kids, and it could only mean that it’s either Renjun or Jisung, and they have a J in their name and I don’t know but my feelings for Renjun could be resurfacing? But then again, I like Jeno now i’m just doubting myself. It doesn't help when I was sitting between them during the movie either,”

“Breathe (y/n), breathe,”

“I just don’t know,” I frowned.

“I mean you do, you’re just lost, you’ll find a way and understand, don’t panic too much. If you have the courage to ask Mark, then you could ask Renjun and Jisung,”

“Okay then what? What if one of them is in love with me right now? What do I do?”

“You follow your feelings dummy, like you’ve always have,”

I could feel tears seeping in and I tried hard fighting them, I just felt so overwhelmed with everything. Areumi saw me in shambles and came and hugged me reassuring me everything was going to be okay, and it wasn’t until Renjun walked in and saw us hugging and then I made awkward eye contact with him and he saw my teary faced and came rushing over.

“Hey what’s wrong?” He panicked.

“I’m going to leave you two alone, I think something needs to be discussed,” Areumi said.

“Something that needs to be discussed? Did I do something wrong?”

“No, just talk to her, but don’t rush her. She’s overwhelmed,” Areumi said as she left.

“(y/n) talk to me, what’s wrong?” He asked.

“Noth-.. Nothing,” I sniffed.

“Hey come on, don’t lie to me. What is Areumi talking about?”

“Nothing, okay, it’s nothing,”

“I’m going to stand here until you talk to me, and I’m not going to let you leave either,”

“Renjun please,” I begged.

“Seriously what’s wrong, I knew something was wrong when I asked, but now you’re just blatantly lying to me,”

“I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE,” I yelled.

I was filled with anger and annoyance, not wanting to deal with Renjun and his pushiness today, nor was I ready to deal with the others anymore. I was already filled with annoyance with the letters and being frustrating with these dumb letters. My tone raised and Renjun’s face was taken aback, more tears were flowing. I was about to leave the kitchen until he grabbed my hand and looked at me, he kept persisting.

“I will not leave you alone, until you tell me what the hell is wrong with you,” He said.

“Nothing, it’s fucking nothing Renjun,” I replied.

“When are you going to stop being so hard headed and open up to us. When are you going to stop and let us in. I’M TRYING TO BE HERE FOR YOU AND I CAN’T DO THAT WHEN YOU’RE ACTING LIKE THIS,” He yelled.

I’ve never once thought Renjun could raise his voice like that, I flinched when he yelled and I completely lost it, I yanked my hand away and then all of a sudden everyone entered the kitchen and saw me with tears in my eyes as Jeno came towards Renjun and pulled him by the collar.

“Renjun what the hell did you do,” Jeno said.

“Hey Jeno, calm down and release him. Let him speak,” Jaemin said.

“He’s right hyung, calm down,” Jisung said.

“I did nothing wrong, I asked her what’s wrong and she kept ignoring my question. I was just trying to be there for her,”

“You made her cry,” Jeno said.

“No, I didn’t. She was already crying when I came in, ask Areumi,”

“She was, but I guess she’s just more overwhelmed,” Areumi said.

I felt all eyes on me, and I felt mortified, fear had taken over me and without thinking I ran out the door and could hear Renjun pushing Jeno off of him and chasing after me out the door. He grabbed my hand and we stood outside out of Mark’s house.

“(y/n), I’m really trying, I’m really trying hard not to push your buttons and I want to be here for you,” Renjun said.

“Are you.. Are you in love with me?” I hesitated.

“What..?” His face blanked out.

“Are you in love with me?” I asked again.

“What.. what makes you say that?”

I sighed and pulled out the letter that dated May 2nd 2015 and handed it to him. His eyes widened and his face turned red, and then he looked at me with panic.

“Where.. Where did you get this?” He asked.

“It was mailed to me, I got 8 confession letters mailed to me. So, tell me did you write this letter?”

“I.. I did, but this was years ago,”

“Oh… So you’re not in love with me anymore right,” I asked.

“Why does it matter? Why does it sound like you’re disappointed I’m in love with you,”

“Renjun that’s not my intentions at all,” I frowned.

“It’s fine, I get it, you don’t want me to like you, I know. Don’t worry I’m not in love with you, besides I know you like Jeno,” He replied.

“Oh.. So you did like me at one point did you?”

“I did, I mean I was head over heels, but as time passed you started looking at Jeno romantically and so I gave up. Don’t worry I’m over you,” He faintly smiled.

“I’m sorry,”

“Don’t be, besides it’s all in the past, this was written 4-5 years ago,”

“I know but still, you must’ve been hurt and torn because of me,”

“It happens, but we all learn and deal with pain, it’s part of life,”

“I just, I got 6 more letters to deal with. I don’t think I can do this anymore,”

“6? But you got eight.. Did you figure out one other person already?”

“Yeah, Mark. I found out he use to have a crush on me, but he told me he’s over it. He also gave me a hint telling me that someone that has the letter J in their name is in love with me, but since you’re not one of them that leaves three people left,” I sighed.

“Are you hoping it’s Jeno?” He asked.

“I.. I don’t know. I never really thought about it,”

“It’s okay, if he makes you happy, that's all that matters,” He smiled.

“I want everyone to be happy,” I frowned.

“We can’t have what we want,” He shrugged.

“A person can try,”

“You’re right. I’m sorry for raising my voice at you, I was just very frustrated with the situation. It breaks my heart seeing you cry and being in stress mode,” He apologized.

“I get it, I’m sorry for being a stubborn ass. You know how I am,”

“I know,” He smiled.

“Thank you though, thanks for not giving up on me,”

“Anything for you,” He smiled.

I opened up my arms and he saw and he came in for a tight hug, and I hugged him back tightly. Part of me kind of hoped he was in love with me, but I was wrong. It was a bit disappointing but things can’t be helped sometimes.

“It’s getting late, I should go,” He said.

“Already? We should both come back and into the house and explain to the boys we’re both okay,” I insisted.

“I think you should head back in and check up on Jeno and tell him you’re okay. Also tell him I did nothing wrong,”

“Are you sure Renjun?”

“I’m sure, I have things I have to do anyways,” He reassured.

“Okay..” I replied.

He released me from the hug and started walking off into the dark streets, I watched him walk until he was engulfed by the shadows and disappeared from my eyes. So if it wasn’t Huang Renjun the Next Door Neighbor, then it was on to the next. Since Mark told me it was someone that has the letter J, it was time to eliminate Donghyuk and Chenle. Which convinced me I should start with those two and find out which confession letter they wrote. So I guess up next was Lee Donghyuk, My Brother’s Roommate.

slty masterlist - prologue 1 - prologue 2

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