#how you keep mentioning the studio that made twilight is making your movie and how you got rejected for a decade

[universitypenguin]

Get ready, Alice. A Missle of questions is coming after you!

Hey, what do you think about Batman? Have you watched any of the movies? Which is your fav, Batman? Will you ever write for him?

I love Batman!

I've written fanfic for the Batman vs. Superman (2016) version of the character. The story was a cross-over with Twilight, and I wrote it as an attempt to "save" promising characters who were ruined by a terrible plot. More on that later...

My favorite portrayal of Batman is Christian Bale's version, specifically The Dark Knight (2008).

Yes, I know that's everyone's favorite and I'm not being very original... but it's everyone's favorite for good reason! Honorable mention in the favorite version category goes to Batman from the animated TV series The Justice League (2001). That show really brings out the nuance and depth of Bruce Wayne's character. It was far too good to be kids show - I can still re-watch it as an adult and enjoy the plotlines. I have watched most of the Batman movies, just not the most recent one with Robert Pattinson. My best friend from college keeps telling me I need to, but I haven't gotten around to it.

Now, about that fanfic...

Several years ago, I wrote a 90,000+ word Batman crossover fanfic that was set in the Batman vs. Superman universe. Funnily enough, my disappointment at how terrible the film was made me start writing the fic.

The opening of Batman vs. Superman was amazing. My expectations went through the roof based on the prologue. Ben Affleck's version of Bruce Wayne rescuing a man trapped under a beam and saving a little girl was absolutely genius. You can see the emotion and the passion for helping people in his behavior, decisions, and responses to people and events. They did an amazing job with that segment of the movie. It fixed the one major gripe I have about Christian Bale's Batman, which is that there's nothing in The Dark Knight trilogy to show Bruce Wayne's true colors. Over the course of 7 hours and 38 minutes of film, Christian Bale was either playing: Bruce Wayne, malicious jackass, spoiled billionaire, prolific playboy - or he was in costume as Batman.

There was no hint at the humanity of the man under the mask.

The Dark Knight trilogy treated Bruce Wayne as a public disguise. It didn't acknowledge the complex psychology, the unique character behind the superhero. People love Batman for how much he cares; TDK didn't even attempt to show the amazing depths of Bruce Wayne. It was a tragic omission in an otherwise fantastic series.

But the Batman vs. Superman prologue? It ripped off Bruce Wayne's mask in scene #1.

This is why I was so impressed by the first scene of Batman vs. Superman... and then they ruined it. The rest of the movie was awful.

Actual footage of me watching the rest of Batman vs. Superman:

But of course, fanfic writers should never let Disney, Marvel Studios, DC films -or any other studio - have final say over what happens to a character. So, I wrote a 90,000+ word cross-over fanfic with Ben Affleck's Batman and Twilight.

The decision to make it a cross-over is because I felt Bella Swan was another a character that got wasted on a stupid plot. I actually liked Bella, but Stephanie Meyer's focus was always on Edward. He was the star of the show, and Bella served as nothing more than the lens readers viewed him through. She ended up with the depth of a card-board cut out because of it.

They both deserved better.

Hence, my Batman fanfic "The Sun is New" was written.

I'm know I've rambled on forever, but I just love talking about stories! <3

[laine-o]

who are some artists u take inspiration from / are some of ur inspirations? love ur art btw :)

Wow I’m so sorry it took me awhile to get back to you anon! This was a hard one. I haven’t thought of my inspirations lately since they have changed a bit. I tried to keep these relevant more to my anime art since that’s what I’m more known for, but some are influences on more of my original art that I hope someday I’ll feel brave enough to share with you all.

From left to right, top to bottom.

CLAMP (Magic Knight Rayearth) - they were the reason I started drawing manga/anime artwork at all back in early 2000′s for me. The only “shoujo” artists on this list, I was really taken by the eyes they drew at the time and it still can be seen a little bit today, though I’ve really tried to steer myself away from the large pointed eyes with thick lashes and elongated bodies that plagued my art for a long time. I’ll always love their compositions, use of color and just how they use marker.

Yusuke Murata (Street Fighter fan art) - known for Eyeshield21 and One Punch-Man. This man can draw anything. His sense of anatomy, foreshortening and movement is breathtaking. I love the lighting and rendering as well. He also has a knack for creating really original faces and he doesn’t have the “same-face” syndrome problem. Just top-notch. I don’t aim to be as shonen in style as him, but I hope to start being able to add more dynamic poses into my work.

Kyohiko Azuma (Yotsubato!) - known for Azumanga Daioh and Yotsubato! I really love the comedy and slice of life genres lately. I love softer styles and I really adore the more simplistic approach he has to his character design that really allows the slice of life genre to shine through his art. Despite the simplicity, it still is very anatomically technical. It’s simple, but warm and effective and very soft. His skill in backgrounds as well is phenomenal. I think it’s a whole atmosphere he creates and the story he tells in his illustrations that I would love to apply to my own work if I can. I also related a lot to an interview where he stated he struggles blending little Yotsuba into the world he created because she’s so different stylistically from all the characters, so it’s a lot of fun and helpful to see how he accomplishes this throughout the manga and the panels.

Masashi Kishimoto (Naruto) - of course one of my biggest influences due to all the SasuSaku I draw. I think his style is very effective. It’s also I think more on the simpler side actually (if you compare it to CLAMP and Murata’s). But it’s so dynamic and full of strong composition and memorable character designs. I really appreciate how by his influence, I never really stopped drawing thanks to the characters, Sasuke and Sakura, that he created that had such an impact on me.

Xia Da (Song of the Long March AKA Choukakou) - This one is a manhua artist. Her inking and watercolor artwork is absolutely phenomenal. Definitely someone I look up to when I’m inking my own pieces, I would love to be at her level of skill someday. Primarily an inspo for inking.

Kamome Shirahama (Atelier of Witch Hat) - another artist with phenomenal inking skills that I really admire. She’s also really good at drawing children! But I definitely believe she can draw anything, the fact that she has crossed the barrier to illustrate comic covers for both DC and Marvel is just incredible to me and a testament to how much skill she possesses. Primarily an inspo for inking.

Kozue Amano (Aria) - Known for Aqua, Aria, and Amanchu (lots of A’s!). Her ability to design precious soft characters, gorgeous scenery, and write a beautiful and gentle slice of life fantasy tale has always made her one of my absolute favorites. I absolutely love how she colors her works.

Adachitoka (Noragami) - this is a team who does characters and background art. It’s not a secret that I love watercolor. I also love the movement and action and fighting scenes from this manga. The fact that this team is female and broke through with a popular shonen series is simply amazing. I hope to be as good as they are in drawing figures and in watercolor someday.

James Gurney (Dinotopia) - the master of creating fantasy worlds and making it look like it EXISTS with his painting skills. His “Color and Light” book is an absolute staple (I have it always ready as reference) and it’s a must if you want to give your lighting that more realistic feel. I think my love of lighting really came from growing up with the Dinotopia series. He is always constantly sharing his wisdom as well on his website and twitter and just an amazing and inspiring person for generations of artists.

Makoto Shinkai (Kimi no Na Wa) - This movie’s aesthetics (especially the lush backgrounds), surrealism, and existentialism really spoke to me. I adore the starry skies and heavens and clouds. Screencaps of his movies fill my phone as a quick reference whenever I’m rendering some complex lighting or trying to create some sort of composition with the sky.

Studio Ghibli/Hayao Miyazaki (Kiki’s Delivery Service) - nothing really needs to be said especially given my love for the details in all the movies, the fantastic scenes involving flying in the sky, the gorgeous backgrounds, and the delicious food. Always a good choice to use as a reference for anything with nature or even cluttered cozy houses and rooms and greenhouses. It’s still a desire to delve more into world building for me and I’ll be using these movies for reference. I also keep tons of their artwork in my phone as reference.

Satoru Takizawa (Legend of Zelda, Breath of the Wild) - Known for his work with Twilight Princess and Breath of the wild. You know where I’m going with this - he is the MASTER of ambient lighting. I love his rough and loose painting style that I wish I could achieve someday, but I still have a tendency to over-render. A great resource for learning how to world-build and for concept art.

Andrew Loomis - anatomy and figure drawing master. At the end of this list, but not the least important by a long shot. His book I think is not the most beginner friendly in terms of seeing basic shapes and breaking down the form (I think his construction is still more on the complex side), but it’s a good place to start and keep grinding until it “makes sense.” It took me years, but once it started clicking, I have him to thank for it because my anatomy was an absolute mess because of my background of starting from CLAMP’s art style. Buy his book and make it your bible. Attend figure drawing classes. If you want to illustrate people no matter how simple, you must make studying anatomy a part of your process.

Lastly - some original artists to check out who I like the inking, watercolor skills, and concepts of that closely align with my interests for my own original art.

meyoco - twitter, instagram

maruti_bitamin - twitter, instagram, tumblr

Qinniart - twitter, instagram

Some mangaka honorable mentions -

Takeshi Obata (Death Note, Bakuman)

Kaoru Mori (Emma, Otoyomegatari)

Satsuki Yoshino (Barakamon)

This was super long, I apologize, but it’s something I’m passionate about. I love art to pieces. I think a lot of what I admire is very technical - anatomy and lighting. I think my influences also reflect my aim to be more proficient at watercolor and inking. And lastly, world-building, fantasy/cosmos, and background art. I think a lot of what I really love though, is color and lighting and that’s found within any of these artists. :)

Thanks for the question anon! You allowed me to geek out on art for about an hour while I wrote this out.

[ihavethoughtsplural]

Blood and Chocolate: An Adaptation in Name Only

Previously:  Section 0 – Introduction, Section 1 – The Book

Section 2 – Adaptation Challenges

Preface: I’m writing this section in the aftermath of the Artemis Fowl movie.

(Yikes?  Definitely yikes.)

Most of the professional reviews mention the lack of originality, the ineptitude, and the stink of franchise aspirations.  However, if you take a look at the audience reviews, you’ll notice a trend: lots of fans of the book are absolutely livid about the adaptation changes.  

To the fans of the books, I am so sorry, and I feel your pain because I’ve been there.

 An adaptation with only superficial connections to the source material?   

 An adaptation that almost seems like a deliberate insult to the book? 

An adaptation that legendarily misses the point of the original?  

I know that rage because I’ve been through it.  Blood and Chocolate fans know the pain that Artemis Fowl fans are currently experiencing.

But, why?  Why have so many beloved books been butchered in the name of film adaptation?  Let’s take a look at the process that took the 1997 Blood and Chocolate novel and turned it into the 2007 Blood and Chocolate movie.

Adaptation History: After its 1997 publication, Blood and Chocolate enjoyed some popularity and acclaim.  Unlike later YA behemoths like Twilight, The Hunger Games and Divergent, Blood and Chocolate doesn’t seem to have made an appearance on the New York Times Bestseller’s List, so it’s difficult to quantify exactly how much popularity it enjoyed.  Later that same year, MGM optioned the film rights, indicating that, at some point in the future, we could expect an adaptation. No news was heard on that front until 2004, when a screenplay appeared.  The US Copyright Office records the document as, “Blood and chocolate; motion picture project & screenplay / Screenplay written by Christopher Landon, with revisions by Jon Harmon Feldman, Leslie Libman and Larry Williams, Christopher Landon and Jeff King, with current revisions by Ehren Kruger.”  That’s one original script and six writers working on revisions – none of whom are the original author, Annette Curtis Klause.   According to a 2006-ish interview with Cynthia Leitich Smith. Klause was completely out of the loop when it came to the production, stating, “…I’m afraid that if you aren’t Anne Rice, J.K. Rowling, or Stephen King you don’t get much say in what the film companies do. The producers don’t even keep me up to date–I find my information on the Web.”

Book Challenges: Before we go any further, we need to acknowledge that any adaptation of Blood and Chocolate faced some necessary changes.  The story, as written, was never going to pass from book to movie unscathed.  Some of the major problems were:

o   The Esme Question: Esme’s relationship with Gabriel would be one of the first things on the chopping block. It was a minor detail in the book, it didn’t really impact the overall plot, and it honestly shouldn’t have been included at all.

o   The Age Differences:  No studio targeting a mainstream US audience is going to tell a love story between a 16-year-old girl and a 24-year-old man.  Filmmakers would need to adjust the age dynamics in the story, and they would probably choose to age the younger characters up.  This would enable them to skirt the complicated legalities of hiring underage actors and avoid Dawson Casting significantly older actors to play teenagers.

o   The Large Cast: The novel has a large number of named characters contributing to the plot in various ways.  An adaptation that keeps all of these characters would need to spend time establishing who they are and making them distinct from the other characters.  For reference, a list of the named characters includes: Vivian, Gabriel, Aiden, Astrid, Rafe, Esme, Rudy, Ivan, Lucien, Tomas, Bucky, Jean, Persia, Orlando, Finn, Gregory, Willem, Ulf, Quince, Kelly, Bingo, Jem, and Skull.  Including these characters and setting them up in a way that is memorable for an audience would take a LOT of screentime.  Cuts were necessary.  Roles would have to be condensed and some characters would need to be excised entirely.

o   The Rating: A strictly faithful adaptation of the novel would contain: Male and female nudity, explicit language, violence, gore, substance abuse, and sexual situations. This would likely have earned the film an “R” rating.  For those unfamiliar with the MPAA ratings, an “R”, or “Restricted” rating restricts the audience of the film so that those under 17 are required to have an accompanying parent or adult guardian to be allowed to see the film in theaters.  For a film based on a YA novel, an R rating would basically be the kiss of death – it would kill the film’s money making potential. Filmmakers would realistically have to edit the content of the source material to ensure a much more accessible – and profitable – PG-13 rating.

Film Challenges: In addition to the challenges inherited from the source material, translating the story from book to film creates a number of extra difficulties.

o   The Budget: Blood and Chocolate didn’t spawn the enthusiastic fanbase that Harry Potter or Twilight did, meaning that there was less of a “guaranteed” audience for the film.  The decade-long gap between publication and adaptation probably didn’t help matters, either.  As a result, an adaptation would entail a certain amount of risk.  Would the film have enough appeal to get non-fans into the theater?  What if they spent millions and millions of dollars on a film that only book fans wanted to see?  With no assurances of success, the adaptation’s budget would have to be restricted to what the producers considered an acceptable loss – what were they willing to lose if the film flopped?

o   The Special Effects:  In the novel, Klause goes into vivid detail while describing the bone-crunching, sinew-snapping transformations that take characters from human to wolf.  An adaptation, as a werewolf movie, would be expected to follow genre conventions and include these transformations on screen. However, this rubs up against the first point as including such transformations often comes at great costs. They had two options: practical effects or computer-generated imagery (CGI).  Rendering the transformations with practical effects would follow in the footsteps of genre classics like An American Werewolf in London and The Howling, but it could necessitate months of behind the scenes preparation and hours of painstaking makeup application.  

(This?  This won the first Oscar for Best Makeup ever .)

CGI would be cheaper, but less satisfying for traditional horror fans (an audience the filmmakers would probably want to appeal to).

(This was... less acclaimed.)

Studio Considerations: Let’s take a minute and talk about Lakeshore Entertainment.

o   Underworld, released in September 2003 by production company Lakeshore Entertainment, was a thriller featuring supernatural creatures, a forbidden romance, secret societies, and a muted color palette.  The story was ostensibly an original creation (although the role-playing game company White Wolf alleged otherwise).  It grossed $95.7 million worldwide against a $22 million budget and spawned a franchise that is currently in its 6th installment.

o   Underworld: Evolution, released in January 2006 by production company Lakeshore Entertainment, followed its predecessor and was a thriller featuring supernatural creatures, a forbidden romance, secret societies, and a muted color palette.  It grossed $111 million worldwide against a $50 million budget.

o   The Covenant, released in September 2006 by production company Lakeshore Entertainment, was a thriller featuring supernatural creatures, a forbidden romance, a secret society, and a muted color palette.  The story was an original creation.  It grossed $37.6 million worldwide against a $20 million budget.

o   Blood and Chocolate, released in January 2007 by production company Lakeshore Entertainment, was a thriller featuring supernatural creatures, a forbidden romance, a secret society, and a muted color palette.  The story was adapted from a popular YA novel.  It grossed $6.3 million worldwide against a $15 million budget – an $8.7 million loss. Now, let’s be clear:  Blood and Chocolate started filming before the numbers for its sister productions were in.  I don’t think that the diminishing returns seen by Underworld: Evolution and The Covenant affected the budget for Blood and Chocolate – its smaller budget is likely attributable to the more restrained story.  After all, Blood and Chocolate doesn’t feature a Mustang de-and re-materializing.  

It is a comparatively low key movie.  

So why did it fail? We’re going to get elbow-deep into that autopsy, but before we do, we need to take a look at the movie itself.

Next: Section 3 – The Adaptation

[angrylizardjacket]

’cos i don’t believe in ghosts {Joe Mazzello}

1. Salem

Chapter Summary: SUPERNATURAL CREATURES AU; In which Joe (a demon) agrees to go on a ghost hunt with you (an oblivious human) in Salem because it seems like a good idea, and Lucy (a witch) also comes along because it actually seems like a terrible idea, and knows Joe’s nature far to well to leave him with you unsupervised in this sort of situation.

A/N: Concepts at play; Lucy is a witch and works with sigils and can set up telepathic links between herself and others. Joe is a demon. Gwil, Rami, and Ben, are all also supernatural creatures, but we’ll find out more about them later. Possible Lucy/Reader as well in some chapters maybe. feedback would be appreciated!!

“Text presented like this is a telepathic conversation.”

--

After a long day of sight seeing and interviews, all you wanted to do was flop onto your nice, comfortable hotel bed and watch tacky ghost-hunting shows. Socks and shoes off, snuggled under the covers with a waterbottle on your bedside table and the overhead lights off, you plugged in your laptop and opened up Netflix, scrolling through your recommendations. There was a surprising wealth of conspiracy theory documentaries, ghost-hunting shows, and sensationalised pieces on proof of supernatural creatures all over the world. You, of course, held your own beliefs about this sort of thing, but even though you were travelling all over America for work, and had ample days off to explore the sights that so intrigued you, you knew you were too nervous to go on your own. 

Except that Salem was only half an hour away from your next tour stop, and you had a full day free while there, and yes the witch trials were awful, but part of you feels like it’s the perfect ‘first haunting’ location to visit. 

“What are you watching?” On a break between interviews, it’s Joe who spots you staring at your phone, completely invested in whatever’s going on on-screen, one headphone in.

“Oh, I-” quickly, you remove the headphone, a little flustered at being caught, “it’s just Buzzfeed thing I sometimes watch.” You’d been mentally preparing yourself for going to the Witch House the following day, and had tried to go the lighthearted route of video research; somehow the duo who ran Buzzfeed Unsolved: Supernatural managed to ease your nerves more than any straight-laced documentary would ever manage.

Joe smiles a little at that, at your sudden fluster, and he raises his eyebrows at you, moving to your other side to pick from the plate of sandwiches that had been provided for them.

“Anything interesting?” He asks, his voice surprisingly casual, and you hum for a moment, deliberating on whether or not to tell him what exactly you were watching.

It wasn’t that you didn’t like him, quite the opposite in fact, as assistant to the PR Manager you’d managed to form quite a solid friendship with the cast on this leg of the Press Tour for Bohemian Rhapsody.

“Depends on what you find interesting,” you give a small smile back, and Joe raises his eyebrows, perhaps in challenge, perhaps in amusement, but you conceded after only a few moments, tilting your phone to show him where the two hosts of the show were trooping towards the Witch House. “They’re, like, semi-professional paranormal investigators.” Is how you chose to describe it. Joe couldn’t hear the audio, since it was still feeding through your earphones, but his lips quirked in a grin. After a moment, the video has a close up of the taller of the two hosts, Shane, and Joe makes an indecipherable noise in the back of his throat that edges on amused. 

“Salem?” He asks finally, and looks up from the phone to meet your gaze, “spooky.” He’s holding back a laugh, you just know it, and you rolled your eyes.

“Yeah, well, it’s nearby, I thought I might check it out tomorrow.”

“Extra spooky, a little solo field trip?” He’s grinning like he’s genuinely intrigued, like he’s invested in the idea of your ghost hunt. You tip your head from side to side, deliberating for a moment, before nodding. 

“I mean, you’re always welcome to tag along,” you find yourself offering, and Joe’s eyebrows rise in both surprise and amusement, “I just never pictured it as your scene.”

“If you’re offering, I’d rather come along than have you possibly get haunted on your own.”

“You’ll protect me from the ghosts?” You half smirked, and Joe snickered.

“And anything else that might be lurking in the shadows,” it sounds like a joke, and you laugh it off easily, a little bit flustered that he’d agreed to come along so easily. 

By the time the cast had reset for the next interview, you were back by the PR Manager’s side, and Joe was sitting on the edge of a sofa, though his expression had gone strange, his smile a little tight.

Unbeknownst to you, there was a voice that was not his own filtering through in his mind.

"You shouldn’t play with her like that.”

“And you should know better than to be in my mind like this right before an interview.”

“What? Are you begging to be caught?”

“Are you? At least look at the camera. Anyways, she’s a fan of the supernatural.”

“She’s a fan of ghosts. You’re not a ghost, Joe, incase you forgot.”

“Yeah, I’m painfully aware of being corporeal- I’m hungry.”

“Focus. You can’t go ghost hunting with her, it’s a recipe for disaster.”

“I thought Rami would be much more likely to lecture me.”

“Rami’s not telepathic.”

“Fair point. Listen, if you’re so worried, you can come along too. It’ll be a fun little field trip, team bonding!”

Joe looks over to Lucy, whose eyes have glazed over. She’s got her hands clasped in her lap, but he can see the subtle way her index finger was tracing patterns in the air repeatedly. Though the minute he catches sight of her, Lucy’s attention snaps to Joe, and she gives an eye roll.

“Ghost hunting and team bonding don’t exactly go hand in hand, but fine.”

Joe could almost hear her sigh, despite the smile she wore, and after a beat, she chimed in again.

“You know I hate Salem.”

--

You’d take any opportunity to hang out with the cast, you adored them all individually, so when Lucy made mention that she’d heard you and Joe were going to Salem to do some ghost hunting, you were eager to invite her along. In fact, you’re fully intending to extend the offer to the rest of the cast, but without prompting, Lucy makes mention that the others probably wouldn’t be into it.

“Ben’s afraid of ghosts,” Joe adds, slotting himself into the conversation, and the idea alone of Ben’s weakness being the concept of ghosts is funny enough that you don’t care if it’s real or not. 

But then it’s settled; you, Joe, and Lucy were going to head to Salem the following evening. You didn’t really have anything planned, you were just going to bring your camera and just go exploring, not really expecting to find anything. You’re also not quite sure if either of the cast members are going to show up, but you’d cleared the excursion with your boss, and now it was edging on twilight and you were sitting in the lobby of the hotel you were all staying at, nervously jangling the keys of one of the rental cars the studio had outfitted you all with.

But, just as the sun was sinking below the horizon, both Joe and Lucy step out from the elevator, quietly arguing with each other, though that quickly comes to an end once they spot you. Both of them smile, and you feel the relief course through you, and you lead the way to the parking garage.

“You expecting to find anything?” Joe asks during the drive, leaning forward from the back middle seat where he’d been annexed at Lucy’s insistence, while she took the front passenger seat.

“Not sure,” you replied honestly, “I don’t think I’ll catch anything on film, but I’m hoping something spooky might happen.” Laughing a little, you keep your eyes on the road, though you hear Joe snort. “What about you guys? You fans of this supernatural sort of stuff, or just along for a joy ride and to make sure I don’t get mugged while on my lonesome?”

“Honestly, can’t say I’m not a fan of a bit of supernatural shenanigans, but I’ve never held much stock in ghosts,” Joe’s voice has a surprising air of authority on the subject, and Lucy actually has to hide her laughter behind her hand.

“Just because you’ve never seen a ghost,” she snips back at him, and Joe shakes his head.

“If ghosts were real I definitely would have seen one,” he says, voice lofty, and you can’t help but laugh.

“Well maybe they just run whenever they see your face,” Lucy teases, and reaches back to pinch Joe’s cheek. You’re still laughing, but Joe’s gone quiet, contemplative. “Cheer up,” Lucy adds, “maybe tonight’s your night.” But there’s a strange quality to her voice that you can’t quite identify, and before you can even try, she reaches over to turn on the radio.

Salem is quiet as a grave. Bring the car to a stop a few blocks away from The Witch House, and it finally hits you where you are, and how strangely dark it’s already managed to get. Your grip is white knuckled on the steering wheel, and it’s all you can do to sit in silence for almost three full minutes.

“If you’re not up for this, we can go back,” Lucy’s voice is gentle, but Joe’s already unbuckling and practically pitching himself from the car.

“This place has such a weird energy, you know?” He announces, hands on his hips, looking down at the street towards the House itself.

“Are you- are you for real? Or are you taking the piss?” You call out the door that he’s left open, and he spins, grinning.

“No, I’m like, being for-real. You know in like, ah, fuck I can’t remember which movie it is, but like, the guy leans down and he touches the dirt,” Joe bends at the knee, kneeling on the soil, his fingertips brushing the ground, “and he’s like, ‘something terrible happened here’,” he grins, looking far chipper than he had any right to, given the circumstance, “you know, it’s like that.”

“Maybe we should go home,” your brow creases in concern, and you shift your grip on the steering wheel nervously. Lucy rests a hand on your shoulder, and you can feel her thumb gently brushing against your jacket, though it goes a considerable ways to calming you down.

“You’ll be fine,” Joe calls back, and his smile is bright and yet reassuring, “I was kidding; I told you ghosts aren’t real.” He hums as you unbuckle your seatbelt, “and what are they gonna do anyways? Be mostly see-through and wiggle at us? Tell us to get out? Joke’s on them, I have selective hearing and I can’t hear ghosts.”

The two of them walk either side of you, Joe with his hands in his pockets as he observes the scenery with a smile, and Lucy with her arm tucked into yours, absentmindedly tracing patterns on the palm of your hand as the two of you chatted. Neither of them really looked at you, though you were feeling relatively calm and secure. The surprise comes when you finally realise how tense and on edge Lucy was. When you ask, she gives a tight smile, and says something about how she can’t stop thinking about the atrocities committed here.

“Fair.” You agree, but try not to think about it.

“You see anything?”

“You mean anything extra spooky? No; I told you, ghosts aren’t real.”

“Joe, I know they are; I genuinely think you scare them off. Witch-spirits especially are very aware of vibes-”

“Are you saying I have bad vibes?”

“I’m saying a demon like yourself isn’t one to be messed with, and everything less than corporeal sped off the minute we arrived.”

“Was that a compliment I heard?”

“It was just a statement.”

“You think I’m spooky.”

“I think you’re going a good ways to scaring off Y/N.”

“She’s fine, she’s a champ, and it’s not like she has anything to worry about with us around, even if there was something that wasn’t scared off by my ‘bad vibes’ or whatever you called it, we could take them.”

“I still hate this place.”

“You see any old friends floating around?”

“Shut up. No.”

The tense set of Lucy’s shoulders doesn’t get better, in fact, she glances over at Joe after the two of them had been quite for a very long time, and her jaw clenches. Her grip on you gets just a little bit tighter.

“Anyone specific we’re looking for?” Joe asks out loud, as if it’s a normal conversation to have, while the three of you stood at the gate of The Witch House.

“Tituba,” Lucy answers automatically, much to your surprise, and you extract yourself from her grip gently, stepping down the stairs and into the trench where the house once was.

“You’ve done your research,” you say, a little preoccupied as you move through the space, phone camera held out in front of you.

“What about Hecuba?” Joe asks, sitting himself by the edge of the fence, while Lucy perched herself on the railing itself, the two of them sitting sentinel, like guard dogs against anything that might try it’s luck against your sweet, human soul.

“Hecuba was just a person, I think you’re thinking of Hecate;” Lucy corrects, and Joe nods, thoughtful. However, a moment passes where Lucy turns as white as a sheet, not that anyone else notices, at the idea of Hecate herself appearing in this glorified grave yard. But then again, the Goddess of Witchcraft did both adore and abhor this little town, she had no time for tourists, this Lucy knew. Even tourists with a spicy companion such as a demon.

For a few moments, they just watch you, sitting as still as possible to not interfere with your work, watching how fascinated you get with each little sound and movement. There’s nothing there, not really, but your nervous faith is so enthralling.

“You see anything?” Joe calls, and you tell him you haven’t. He repeats the question to Lucy and is met with a hum of hesitation; when he looks at her with his true sight, he sees her tracing sigils into the air, quiet, disciplined movements. To the natural eye, the sigils are invisible, but when he looks at her like this, he can see them glowing bright in precise shapes and symbols, beautiful in their own way. She’s watching you intently, and when Joe follows her gaze, he sees a translucent dome glowing around you, somehow managing to radiate ‘don’t fuck with me’ vibes. Even Joe feels his skin itch just being in close proximity to it.

“No.” Lucy answers, though her hesitation had given you cause for concern, she’s quick to cover, “but it’s pitch black out here, I can’t exactly see anything.” And you have to agree.

It’s been, well, interesting to say the least. You drive back, and thank god Lucy seems to get more relaxed with each mile that you put between yourselves and that town.

“Do you plan on doing this sort of thing again?” Lucy asks as the three of you ride the elevator from the parking garage to the lobby. You hesitate for a moment.

“I mean, yeah, if I get the opportunity,” you say, a little tentatively, “you guys don’t have to come along, I can-”

“Nah, this was fun,” Joe grins, cutting you off before you can finish your sentence, your attempt to unburden them of your presence, your little side project, “now I wanna see a ghost by the time the tour’s up.” 

Lucy raises her eyebrows at him. Joe shrugs helplessly, still smiling. 

And you, you sweet, oblivious human, don’t know why but you feel safer knowing they’re coming along with you on your supernatural side quest.

[vomiting-out-words]

Boyfriend’s Background Commentary - The Twilight Saga Part Uno

Movie: Twilight

Director: Catherine Hardwicke

Cinematography: Elliot Davis

Budget: 37 million USD

Release Date: November 21, 2008 (Canada)

Watched: August 21st, 2018

Boyfriend: @shiftaria

Part Uno - Part Dos - Part Tres - Part Cuatro - Part Cinco

With very little convincing, I managed to get my boyfriend to watch Twilight, about 10 years later. After all, he’s never read the books or really seen the movies, so, I thought it was about time. Having read and watched the sage myself over the years, I have this entire series implanted in my head, since I am that lame, so, to watch this with someone with fresh eyes is about to be very interesting.

Now this is the first movie, and like these movies, they try to start off like the book, and it’s pretty cool like the visual was welcoming, yet, the lighting was rather bright. With the brightness being as such, it makes this seem like such a fantasy world when it’s really just a teen romance.

Just a heads up, we’ve attempted watching this a while back and never finished. This is attempt number two.

Anyways, we get introduced to Bella Swan, who is off to live with her father that is pretty on the other side of the country, because she doesn’t want to travel around with her mother and Phil; Bella’s mother’s new husband. So, off to one of the rainiest places in the world. Which can totally be relatable, because so do Shifter and myself live literally in one of the rainiest parts of the world, literally twelve hours away from Forks. 

We know a total of four characters, two of which don’t even make any kind of impact to the plot. Now, we are introduced to two more; Jacob Black; who made mud pies with Bella when they were little, and Jacob’s father; Billy Black, Charlie Swan’s best friend. We are then introduced to Bella’s lovely truck that can take a beating, which was rebuilt by Jacob. Bella does the lovely thing by hitting Jacob with the door as thank you.

First day at a new school, where all the guys just want to fuck her. Making friends with Mike, Jessica, Eric, and Angela, though Angela would be the only one that could even be called a friend, then besides Jacob (at least at the moment).

PA Announcement from Shifter: lots of three point mid-length shots, ei: a longer shot that has three different framings with two cameras moved that are transitioned between on an action beat.

This moment now is to lunch, where the Cullen’s are introduced. All of which come walking in white, then he comes Edward; dressed in black. I agree with Shifter that this was very in your face visual metaphor about Edward being the black sheep of the Cullen family. Also, another point that Shifter had pointed out, they don’t focus on it either. Like movies are either blunt about the metaphor or more in the person’s face, this movie is kind of pulling a middle ground, which is apparently throwing Shifter kind of off. Now for me, Edward just makes the scene awkward with staring, borderline glaring.

Back to class, which I now think is Biology. And shoot to Edward with wings behind his head, that once again is a shot at a metaphor. Back to Bella, who is standing in front of a fan, blowing her wonderful scent towards Edward. Jump to Edward very much overreacting. Now, this is where my wonderful boyfriend comments on their acting. This short story of it all is high school students putting on a play with a poorly written script, so their acting is either stiff or overacting.

We now get Buttcrack Santa and Bella getting really awkward with people because she hasn’t really been to Forks in a really long time. Now, I mentioned really shitty lighting with this movie. Thanks to Shifter he made a really good point. The scenes are really graded blue to give the feeling that it was at the risk of raining at any point. Like it’s fitting for the movie but the only issue was, it made the movie too fantasy-like.

Nice Edward, he apologizes for not talking to her when she sat next to him when she first arrived. It’s all way too strange, to begin with. He tries to be nice, only, Bella almost gets killed later that day, risking Edward and his family to be found out just because he went to save her. Back to being old and mean Edward. At least Alice tried to be nice to her. These scenes are just Edward mood whiplash. And she tries to invite him down to La Push as well, to be nice. Bella gets teased, and finds about the ‘Cold Ones’. Now we’re watching a Canadian History documentary, not that it wasn’t appreciated.

If Dr.Cullen might be a matchmaker, but Bella is a good friend and matchmaker herself for her friends. And she goes out of her way to do some serious research on something that shouldn’t be real, yet it’s very much is. Which leads to a very interesting way that might as well equal to coming out. But it was a rather good exchange.

Shifter finds that entire scene good, mainly because of the information dump that was given to him. Like the vampire camouflage, and the white, diamond skin. He was watching the movie with interest. Bella was asking questions, which was really good. The only line that made us cringe, was about Bella being Edward’s own brand of heroin.

Now with the movie slowing down a bit, Bella actually went out of her way for the Cullen’s to not worry about her. She gets a look into Edward’s life, through a music video with a beautiful piano, which goes to Charlie meeting Edward.

Que Charlie’s badass acting skills, especially with a shotgun. Very threatening, and very clever. Edward being very polite and say your daughter is going off the play baseball. Now, if Edward only had told us what Charlie was thinking at that moment.

Baseball! In a thunderstorm! For what reason!? To hide them making a loud boom when the ball hits the bat. Kind of surprised that nothing broke while they were playing since super strength is a thing. Like this scene was another music video, just a bit more fun than it was previously with the piano music. Really shows the family, but it’s a subplot that comes out of nowhere, yet this was pulled from the book since it’s the way to introduce our first three baddies of the series.

Thank god for Alice’s vision because they could have gotten Bella killed. Now, this is where I kind of get salty. They totally had time to get Bella out of there, just put her in the jeep and go, it would have saved like the last 30 minutes of the movie from being a fucking mess of unnecessary drama and Bella wouldn’t have to be mean to Charlie just to keep him safe.

Off to Arizona, Bella goes with Jasper and Alice, kind of putting Bella’s mom at risk. Why are they coming into a hotel during the day in Arizona? No clue, but let’s hope they don’t get found out. Just chill in a room with two vampires until your vampire boyfriend calls to let you know that you both need to disappear for a while. Now, to maybe an hour later, another phone call, but not any phone call, mom is worried about you, only to be a trap. Also, I’m honestly not surprised that Victoria got Bella’s information for James. They’re vampires, pretty easy to figure out a way to hack into a computer or something.

We all know that Bella is a complete idiot, so, she just goes alone, leaving no note or anything for the Cullen’s. Back to her old ballet studio, with glass everywhere, doesn’t that scream very bad things are about to happen. Oh, and smart on James for using a recording to bring Bella to him. Yet, dumb on Bella to use pepper spray, like what is that to do on a vampire?

Bella gets thrown across the floor, head bashing into a corner, and yes, she starts bleeding. Bring in sadistic James, who has a video camera, filming all of this, along with whatever thought told him to break Bella’s leg at that moment. Oh where, oh where is Edward? Oh, he finally arrived, but alone, and Bella is very much hurt. How hasn’t she passed out from her leg being broken is beyond me. Edward tried to get them away, but James has Edward back into a fight. James has the upper hand, Edward is too frantic with concern over Bella and the fact that her scent is filling the air due to the blood, giving James the chance to bite her.

Back to music video mode with inner monologue, and probably a seizure warning. Like I mentioned before, this entire part could have not happened if Edward and Bella just left the field, but whatever. Finally, after all of that, we get Bella frantic in a hospital room due to Edward saying that they shouldn’t be together. Kind of disappointed that we didn’t get to see Bella apologize to Charlie about all of this, it would have been nice to see since Charlie is kind of a huge part of the series, more so than Bella’s mom (I honestly can’t remember her name and way too lazy to even google it).

Father judging Edward scene, it’s very obvious that Charlie doesn’t trust Edward that much anymore for getting his daughter hurt and “hurting” her. But Bella is in a very beautiful dress, even if she’s in a cast. With words from Shifter, I would have to agree they dragged out the ending here a little much, but my main issue was why didn’t they have this nice lighting for the entire movie? It was soft and much more realistic in my opinion.

All in all, it was a good start to this review. Hopefully, I can get the next one out as soon as possible, because I can see this taking off somewhere.

[blandbookchortles]

Handbook for Mortals: Chapter 0: The Fool

The first thing we learn about Zade, our protagonist, is that

I've always envied those with normal lives

and goes on to tell us that her life has never been normal, and that she'd give anything to be normal. I'm not going to lie; I probably wrote something like this when I was 15, but in my defense, everyone in my family was suffering from clinical depression, and also I was 15.

I’m sure most people would envy me, but some days I think I’d trade places in a heartbeat.

You know how Harry Potter lives with abusive relatives before being whisked away to Hogwarts? And how Katniss is always on the brink of starvation? YA characters often start out in relatively shitty conditions because it automatically gives them motivation to pursue their grand adventure, and also because it automatically makes them sympathetic. Hell, even Bella of the Twilight series had her whole life uprooted and moved to a shitty little town.

Basically, my point is that a character complaining that their life is enviably (though nonspecifically) unusual isn't a good way to get readers on their side.

You might expect Zade to launch into a scene depicting her non-normal-yet-enviable life, so that her circumstances are more clear to the reader, but nope, we get more contemplation on the nature of desire.

Isn’t it true we always want what we can’t have? The grass is always greener, so to speak. Of course, if you really checked out the other side, you’d probably find out that the grass is Astroturf—fake and brittle and lifeless.

Besides the point that this little paragraph adds nothing to this little introductory section that also adds nothing, and besides the point that "the grass may be greener but it's astroturf" is a pretty played-out metaphor, I also want to point out that eventually, when Zade goes off on her Grand Adventure, she has the time of her life and frequently celebrates how normal it all is (despite the fact that it's not. At all). So in Zade's case, the grass is not "always greener" and it is not "astroturf."

Zade tells us that she's decided to spare us the details of what exactly it is that's so unusual about her life, instead opting for starting on the day she left home.

Which makes me wonder why she didn't just start there in the first place.

But then she just continues on with her monologue:

I knew I was choosing a path, and hoped it was the right one.

Really? She hoped the path she was choosing was the right one? Glad she specified that.

Either way, I knew that once I made my choice that was it. I couldn’t double back and try again. It was to be how it was to be.

Because once you leave home, you can never come back. This might actually hold water if she were given some kind of ultimatum, but [spoilers] she doesn't.

I personally believe some things in life are chosen by Destiny and some things are your choice. You have options in most situations, but there are certain paths that you have no choice but to go down.

She still hasn't begun the story, but instead I guess we get more of Lani Sarem's personal views on predetermination and free will. She goes on about how struggling against capital-D Destiny is futile, etc etc, and is then generous enough to counsel her audience about their ultimate lack of agency:

My advice? Don’t fight it. Destiny will always win. I’m pretty sure Destiny doesn’t play fair, either, but I don’t think that even matters here.

WELL, THEN WHY IS THAT IN HERE?  Why is Lani/Zade giving advice? If she wants to write a novel about the futility of fighting destiny, then show us situations in which the protagonist fights her destiny and fails. But that's not even what this book is about. This entire little tangent is irrelevant.

Then Zade talks about how some memories stick with you forever for another paragraph, which is another theme that is never mentioned again. But it's just meant as a segue into the actual story; you can practically feel the Microsoft Movie Maker Ripple transition that will undoubtedly be used in the film. And finally, after 463 words, we have finally arrived at the first scene.

We learn that it is July, and that it is overcast, and, not even a full sentence into the first proper paragraph of the story, we learn all about Zade's hair:

the wind that blew swiftly through my blonde hair. It also spun about the chunky pieces on the lower half of my long hair, which I had dyed to be a multitude of fun colors. Today they were pink, purple, blue, and a turquoise green, but I have a habit of changing the colors frequently. My perfectly cut bangs stayed mostly unaffected by the wind except for a few squirrelly pieces.

These are the important details, folks. As you'll soon realize, Zade is a cancerous mass around which all other characters revolve; the only other works I can think of that are so blatantly portraits of hilarious narcissism are "My Immortal" and "Pale Fire". But then, I'm pretty sure it's intentional in both of those. The narcissism on display here is almost certainly not.

Then we get to go back to the weather, which feels like a thunderstorm, and Zade tells us at length (200 words!) that she loves thunderstorms.

I’d lived in that one-horse southern town my whole life, practically a quarter of a century.

So our protagonist is about 24 years old, but this novel is being sold as "young adult."

Zade tells us that "Old people" say that Centerville, was the capital of Tennesee for day but then Andrew Jackson changed it. Here are Zade's thoughts on the matter:

I guess it’s true, though I’ve never really been able to confirm that, nor do I guess it really matters.

Hey, Lani, I'm going to give you a quick and dirty editing tip: when you find yourself writing something along the lines of "but that doesn't matter," consider deleting whatever immediately preceded those words.

My mother is the area tarot card reader and spell caster.

She makes it sound like an official position.

People come to see Zade's mother when they want their fortunes told, and I'm not sure why Lani thought that the audience wouldn't infer this on their own. People in Zade's town think her mother is the devil, but Zade points out that there are all sorts of prophetically-inclined people in the Bible. You can tell that Lani probably argued about this a lot when she went through her Wicca phase.

Zade laments the hypocrisy of the townsfolk, and alludes to the fact that her family actually is ~magic~. She tells us that her family's weird reputation made it so that she had no friends growing up.

It’s hard to be looked at not for who you are but for what people think you are.

So, to get this straight, the townsfolk don't want their kids to play with Zade because they think she's magic. But Zade actually *is* magic. So the assertion that Zade is looked at "not for who she is but for who people think she is" is wrong. She is magic, and she is looked at as magic. She can complain about not being given a chance, but the way her complaint is phrased makes it sound as though she actually doesn't have any weird powers.

Zade takes a step off of her porch, and breifly describes the house before getting sidetracked into her own appearance again:

My well-worn and once brightly colored (but now badly faded with dirt spackle) Converse high-top sneakers made a quick tapping noise on each step. I had just replaced the laces on them so at least they looked somewhat decent. My favorite high-waisted Levi’s dark denim skinny jeans—ripped in all the right places—made the swishing noise as I lifted my legs and my perfect flowy Lucky’s top that I wear far too often billowed around me.

I guess one of Zade's powers is some kind of narrative time-dilation, because it takes her 151 words to say "I stepped off the front porch"

I rarely think this, but I wish a photographer had taken my picture at that moment as the outfit and the background and I may have produced a cool-looking photo.

I like how Lani makes sure to say that Zade "rarely thinks this", because even she can tell that Zade is giving the impression of being really, really into herself.

And then she tells us in 79 words that her house is an old plantation-style manor. "Gone with the Wind" is name-dropped.

And as she's putting her bags into her car, we get our third description of Zade's appearence.

People tell me I’m pretty all the time, beautiful even. I’m not sure I see what they see. I think I’m more of a cute, average-looking girl. I’m slender but I do not believe most would say skinny. Not “hot-girl skinny,” at least. I have long legs that are toned but I think my thighs are too large and I do not have a thigh gap. My arms are kinda flabby and while I do have an hourglass figure I have always felt my butt is a little too big and my face is a bit too round.

Just so you know, there have been about 270 words devoted to describing Zade's appearance so far. I am going to keep a running count, because I am now genuinely curious how much of this book is literally just descriptions of the author.

And if you have any doubts that Lani Sarem hasn't just described herself, just do a Google image search of "Lani Sarem".  According to her Model Mayhem page (which, of course she has one), Lani is 35 years old, which is 10 years older than Zade is meant to be. And I'm not saying 35 is old, or anything, but it's not 25. I'm interested to know if the studio will even let her play her the part of Zade, since Hollywood generally hates women over the age of 30. I'm not sure if I'm rooting for her, because fuck Hollywood's misogyny, or against her, because fuck her unethical attempts at achieving stardom.

Anyway, as Zade leaves her house, her mother, Dela, chases after her, and tries to convince her to stay.

Even when she was in a hurry she never looked like she was rushing or running but instead floating gingerly.

"Floating gingerly" is an odd combination of words. I'm not sure if "timid ghost" was the image Lani wanted to conjure up in our minds, but that's my first impression of Zade's mother.

I am my mother’s daughter, an exact replica. Pictures of her when she was my age look like they are of me. She still looks younger than her years, though.

I'm guessing Lani wants to play her in the movie as well. To be fair, it would help keep production costs down.

Zade confronts her mother, and expresses that she doesn't want to spend her life in a shitty little town reading tarot cards, and Dela expresses incredulity at this. Zade takes a moment to be mildly conflicted.

A big part of me loved the place and being there with her. It was comfortable. And, as much as I wasn’t always completely accepted by everyone in the town, I still belonged.

We have yet to be shown that Zade's life isn't "normal." Besides the fact that her mom has a kind of weird job and she's not the most popular girl in school, her life sounds ridiculously unremarkable. But we were also told that her life's been crazy, and I'm just not getting that impression at all.

Zade thinks about her childhood some more, and sees where she wrote her name in the concrete of the driveway. It's written backwards, because:

Due to my dyslexia, I could write things perfectly—but I wrote them backwards. It wasn’t till I was nine almost ten I could write the proper way without a lot of thought.

So obviously (1) that's not how dyslexia works, and (2), this is obviously setting up something later where her ability to write backwards will come in handy, right?

Nope. It's never mentioned again.

Zade thinks about how her mother could never understand her desire for a normal life. She imagines her mother quoting  Dr. Seuss

Why try to fit in, when you were born to stand out?

Aside from the unnecessary comma, I think is is another instance of Lani Sarem getting all her favorite quotes from inspirational image macros. I swear, she probably owns at least one piece of home decor that says "Live Laugh Love". My bet is on a throw pillow.

Also, I cannot find a source for Dr. Seuss actually saying "Why fit in when you were more to stand out". It, like the C.S. Lewis epigraph, appears to be wrongly attributed.

Zade's response to the pseudo-Seuss quote is this:

“Why would I want to stand out? People who stand out get things thrown at them. People who stand out get called names and shoved into lockers. If the people who don’t stand out are too cowardly to do any of the previously mentioned options then they just awkwardly whisper about you—the people who do stand out—as you walk by.”

"Why would I want to stand out?" asks the girl with technicolor hair.

I wonder what Zade is going to be doing once she leaves her shitty town? It sounds like she wants to go to a big city and just totally blend in, right? I could totally see her wanting to just get a 9-5 job as a receptionist, not make waves, watch Netflix everynight-- you know, normal stuff.

Zade's mom also wonders what Zade will be doing, and asks her.

Zade gets all shifty, and bites her lip, and says she has an audition.

“You’re going to audition for that show?”

Yep. Zade, who doesn't want to stand out, has aspirations of being a performer of some kind. It makes total sense, if you're Lani Sarem, I guess.

Zade says she doesn't know what's been keeping her in the shitty town for so long, and her mother said that she "had her ways". What these ways are, we never find out (even though Zade seems to know what she means by this, so I suppose it has to do with magic). The two argue some more, and it's all very emotional.

Zade says this line you can tell Lani was proud of:

“No. You haven’t ruined my life, Mom, but you also have to let me go live it now. I need to--" I choked, unable to finish.

but then they hug and I guess all is well because their conflict is never brought up ever again.

Zade gets into her car, and whaddya know, the perfect song starts blaring on the radio! It's "Open Spaces" by the Dixie Chicks, and the lyrics are eerily appropriate. So appropriate, in fact, that they are included in the text:

Who doesn’t know what I’m talking about

Who’s never left home, who’s never struck out

To find a dream and a life of their own

A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

Many precede and many will follow

A young girl’s dreams no longer hollow

It takes the shape of a place out west

But what it holds for her, she hasn’t yet guessed

She needs wide open spaces

Room to make her big mistakes

She needs new faces

She knows the high stakes

Yep, this song is going to be in the movie, or at least Lani really wants it to be.

Even the “high stakes” reference was perfect, considering that I was headed toward Las Vegas. I had a long road ahead of me—and an even longer road when I got there—but it was what I knew that I needed to do, without any doubt.

And we learn that the show Zade is going to perform in is in Las Vegas. I am so confused about Zade's motivation for leaving. She's leaving her comfortable small town where she feels she "belongs" (even if she is a bit of a weirdo), and is going to perform in a show in Las Vegas, that most normal of cities, because she wants a "normal life" and doesn't want to "stand out." Seems legit.

You can also tell that when this is a movie, when Zade drives off into the West, the camera is going to zoom up and out while the Dixie Chicks song plays, and then the title card is going to fade in as the camera pans up toward the sky. Maybe there will be a magical road trip montage while the opening credits roll.

But that's the end of chapter 1--I mean, chapter 0. Next time: Zade auditions for the big magic show and meets many people with one-syllable names.

[televisor-reviews]

“Quackerz” Movie Review

Please help me get my name out by following me on Letterbox: http://letterboxd.com/AnimatorReviewa

“I don’t care about the size of your pixel!” Easily my favorite part of doing these movie reviews are the times I get to find & watch obviously terrible movies. Some are so bad they’re good like Manos: The Hands Of Fate & Nine Lives, some are so bad they’re bad like Monster Trucks & Where The Dead Go To Die, some are just boring like Reptilicus & God’s Not Dead 2, & some are surprising actually decent like Back To The Jurassic & We’re The Millers. So where does a straight-to-Netflix schlock like Quackers fall? Well...

When a clan of mallard ducks come & threaten the manderine ducks in China, the result is a full-out cold war. All the while, 2 children of the clans fall in love. All the while, a witch tries to steal one of the ducks in order to... control the sun, I think. I’m not entirely sure.

The first thing you’d notice in this film is that the animation is quite okay. With no-name CGI-animated movies, I always expect something along the lines of Hoodwinked, but this is far better looking. Don’t get me wrong, it’s no Pixar or even DreamWorks; things keep flying at the screen like it’s supposed to be in 3D & the character designs look mostly the same & kinda boring, but it still looks pretty good. Especially the hair- er, feathers... though it certainly looks a lot like hair. But I’m pretty sure birds don’t have hair, they have feathers... But in any case, the hair-feathers look honestly fantastic. Probably because this film has a decent studio, Shout Factory, behind it (who has made a name for itself by buying the distribution rights to major properties like My Little Pony, Mystery Science Theater 3000, & Panty And Stocking). Well, I say the animation’s decent, but that’s only half true. The ducks look just fine, but the humans look absolutely awful! They are way too stretchy &, honestly, ugly! I can’t stand to look at them, let alone see them move. Not to mention how both species have the same lip-syncing problem. Actually, why are there humans in this at all?! The relationship between the 2 duck gangs & they’re children a-la Romeo & Duck-ulet were more than enough! Why throw humans into the mix? Especially if the 2 humans we get the most of are the annoying comic relief who don’t get a single laugh! There should be a rule: if your movie is already a comedy, don’t put in comic relief! And while I’m on the subject, a film titled Quackerz is noticeably unfunny. I’m serious, I don’t think I even giggled once! For whatever reason, the drama & story are better done than the comedy in this, & even that isn’t that well done. How about characterization? Not great, but they surprisingly work off of each other pretty well. Namely, the 2 love-birds (see what I did there?). They have a good amount of chemistry... okay, not a whole lot, but it’s much more than say Belle & Edward in Twilight or Chris Pratt & Jennifer Lawrence in Passengers. They’re relationship is similar to Lincoln & Ronnie Anne in The Loud House or Lightning McQueen & Cruz in Cars 3. There’s definitely a spark of some kind that could be built upon... that is if this was a better movie. Outside of their chemistry, the characterization sucks! The main duck, whatever his name is, is quite useless. He even admits it to himself, he can’t do anything right. And by the end, he still can’t! The villain is pretty one-dimensional & uninteresting. The only tolerable one is Erica, the main she-duck. She has character & somewhat charisma, as little as it is. But when she’s being compared to everyone else in this movie, she’s practically Buzz Lightyear! And it ends exactly how you’d expect it to end, because of the nature of these reviews, I can’t say exactly what goes down. But take the plot I gave you & imagine how a shitty kids movie would end it; you’re right. And along with being super predictable, it kinda takes away from the movie as a whole. Imagine, instead, it has the balls to end like how Romeo And Juliet ends. Wouldn’t that change, at the very least, make you respect it more? I think I would! Overall, Quackerz is only decent when compared to other shitty movies. The animation’s pretty good... when you compare it to Foodfight or Rock Dog. The main leads have plenty of chemistry... when you compare it to Ghostmates or Sausage Party. The story’s fairly decent... actually no, it sucks no matter how you look at it. But I can say it’s not as awful as you may be inclined to believe at first, but it does get dangerously close.

3.5/10