#i also need to take into account the ‘sick days’ i’ll need to emotionally heal from TSC

[codename-adler]

What i’m supposed to do:

- READ TSC

- write Fic 1 & Fic 2 for the Daylight Savings/Kevin Day Fic Fest

- write for Baby Girl, Good Luck

- write chap. 21 of the Kevaaron fic

- finally get on with reading my physical tbr

- work work work work (while also looking for new job)

What i’m doing:

- writing a Hankcon/dbh one-shot🧍‍♂️

[momsopposed2theoccult]

It’s come to my attention that a good majority of people on this website have a really poor understanding of the conflict between Toph and Katara in “The Chase.” As somebody who loves both characters and their friendship, this irritates me. Without further ado, let’s unpack that in what is in theory supposed to be a meta but turned out more like a rant. 

“Katara was hostile towards Toph because the fact that she’s a gender non-conforming girl made Katara uncomfortable because Katara is obsessed with gender roles.”

Alright, so right off the bat this is just... completely idiotic and clearly fuelled by an agenda (and likely also a lot of projection). First of all, how is Katara of “I don’t want to heal, I want to fight!” fame “obsessed with gender roles?” There’s an entire episode in Book One dedicated to Katara refusing to conform to societal norms for women in the Northern Water Tribe! Katara routinely calls Sokka out on his misogynistic bullshit! (Mind you I adore Sokka but he could be a little twerp at times and Katara was 100% right to challenge him on it) Katara is the feminist icon of ATLA! The fact that people act like Katara is some sort of conservative tradwife who loves gender roles instead of the outspoken feminist and political activist she is makes me incredibly angry.

Second of all, Katara was extremely kind and welcoming towards Toph at first. She gently encouraged her to join in with the group as they all set up camp together as opposed to setting up her own private camp. It’s only when Toph refuses to comply with her that Katara begins to get irritated. Mind you, Toph has her reasons for this, something I’ll get to in a minute, but from Katara’s perspective (key word here is perspective) she’s just being an annoying little stubborn, selfish, lazy, anti-social, entitled brat. Of course we the audience find out later that this isn’t the case at all (or at least in theory we should find out later but apparently some people on here skipped that part), but for all her many talents Katara is not a mind reader and has no way of knowing what’s going on inside Toph’s head, nor does she know her well enough yet to fully grasp the context behind why Toph acts the way she does. Katara is somebody who greatly values community and believes in teamwork, so Toph turning down her warm welcome in favour of “carrying her own weight” likely felt like a slap in the face. Not to mention that she’s already emotionally exhausted from having to constantly mother Aang and Sokka. If I were Katara, I likely would have reacted the same way. 

Oh and I agree that the “the stars look beautiful tonight, too bad you can’t see them, Toph” comment was out of line, but it doesn’t make her a horrible person. It makes her a 14 year old, and 14 year olds can be nasty, especially sleep deprived 14 year olds. Katara is otherwise a very kind and compassionate person. Other characters have said worse than that. Hell, Toph herself has said worse than that. That being said, it was a deeply hurtful comment and I do like to imagine that she apologized for it off-screen. 

“Toph is a lazy, entitled, and classist spoiled rich brat who just didn’t want to do chores and expected other people to wait on her.” 

This is another one that makes me roll my eyes and ask if they even watched the show. First of all, the presumption that Toph is a lazy or entitled person is just... laughable. I feel like people forget that Toph isn’t actually an earthbending prodigy in the way that Azula is a firebending prodigy (I could say more about Azula and how her belief that she was the unshakeable prodigal daughter ultimately caused her downfall and how by the end of the series Zuko is arguably a better firebender than her but this isn’t a meta about Azula and Zuko, now is it?). Nah. Toph was a sheltered kid who discovered she had the ability to earthbend, was told that she could never become great at it because she was blind, and in response said FUCK THAT and decided to work her ass off until she was not only great but the very greatest all thanks to her crazy, stupid, off-the-charts nerve, drive, grit, ambition, and desire to prove people wrong about her. Does that sound like a lazy person to you? Believe me when I say that you do not achieve that kind of skill level by sitting around on your ass and expecting to have things handed to you. And entitled? Don’t make me laugh. Toph hates having things handed to her, that’s one of her defining characteristics. 

As for the implication that she’s classist and enjoys basking in her family’s wealth and being waited on...... are you stupid? Did you even watch the show? Toph absolutely despises everything about her parents’ lifestyle. Growing up like that was traumatizing and restrictive for her. We’re talking about a girl who likes to play around in the mud for fuck’s sake. Toph does not care how much money you have. She never wanted any to begin with. She even says it herself; “I guess I shouldn’t be complaining. They gave me everything I could have wanted. But they never gave me what I actually needed - their love.” Not to mention that she easily could have continued to freeload off her parents wealth but instead chose to sneak out of the house and make her own money doing what she did best; disproving people’s assumptions about her earthbending. Oh and I’ve seen someone point this out before but WWE is generally considered a “low brow” activity that “proper” people frown upon and shouldn’t associate themselves with. Toph fucking loved it. I don’t know how seriously people take the comics, as they often miss the mark when it comes to characterization (Toph’s, however, was generally pretty accurate), but there’s a part in The Rift where Sokka asks her when she’s going to start charging people to learn metalbending and she gets all serious and flat out tells him that she will never do such a thing, because money doesn’t matter to her. Sharing her one true passion with the world is what matters to her. Oh and the part where she basically tells a bunch of rich and sleazy businessmen to fuck off and “stop thinking about money and start thinking about people’s lives” is just... *chef’s kiss* Sorry my thoughts here are so incoherent but this take is so piss poor and makes me so angry that I don’t even know where to start. As for “Toph enjoys being waited on” I just- *sigh* Toph has such a visceral and defensive reaction to any implication that she is unable to take care of herself. Like I said earlier, that’s one of her defining characteristics as well as the reason for her behaviour in “The Chase.” Where are people getting these takes?

You wanna know why Toph acted the way she did in The Chase? Well, first let’s recap her life up to this point. Toph was born the blind daughter of one of the wealthiest families in the Earth Kingdom. From day one her parents treated her like glass due to her disability. She was not allowed to leave her house unsupervised, and even then she was only permitted to walk around the gardens of her home. Every day of her life she was pitied, gaslit, babied, ignored, emotionally neglected, and made to feel ashamed of herself. She was not allowed to make any decisions for herself. She was not allowed to do anything for herself. She was not allowed to talk to other children. She had no friends. Other people didn’t even know she existed on account that her parents kept her locked up in her own home and didn’t tell anybody about her because they were so ashamed to have a blind daughter. Flash forward to “The Chase.” Toph begins to set up her own camp separate from the rest of the Gaang. Considering that she flat out was not socialized as a child and hadn’t even interacted with anybody her own age prior to a few days ago, this is understandable. So then Katara comes up to her and asks her why she isn’t setting up camp with the others as if she’s somehow incapable of taking care of herself (again, this is just what happened from her perspective) like she’s her mom or something and it just angers her because she thought she joined this group to get away from all that and she doesn’t understand how friends work because she’s never had one, all she knows is that apparently this girl thinks she isn’t capable of taking care of herself, and that infuriates her because it’s the exact same bullshit she thought she was running away from.

There’s a lot more I could say about this but I’m sick of typing so yeah in conclusion both of these takes are piss poor and I’m sick of having to read them. Stan Toph, Katara, and their friendship. 

[rosezure]

Todoroki Family - My Opinion

MANGA SPOILERS FOR BNHA/MHA ahead!

CW: parental neglect and abuse, anxiety, therapy, Touya Todoroki/Dabi, Enji Todoroki/Endeavor, spoilers, swearing (please remind me if I forgot anything).

Disclaimer: All of the information on the Todoroki family dynamics is based on my interpretation of what’s been (so far) revealed through the anime and manga. These are all just opinions, you are free to agree or disagree respectfully. I do not wish to invalidate anyone’s opinion. Family dynamics have always been a very sensitive and triggering subject to me, so I hope that you respect that if you wish to discuss this with me.I would like to give my own two cents on the Todoroki family situation. As someone that has dealt with abuse and neglect in a (slightly) similar way my whole life, this story hits very close to home. I will try to be as thorough and objective as possible. But, feel free to call me out (respectfully) if there is anything ambiguous or if problematic. Thank you.

I am going to focus on Touya/Dabi and Enji’s story. I do not know enough to talk about Rei’s role in all of this, so I will not mention her. But, I might update this as new chapters come out.

I will talk about Dabi’s early years by referring to him as Touya since that was his identity at the time. Any comments about him as an adult will be referring to him as Dabi.

I was a psychology student for about two years, and when we learned about child development, here is what I gathered:

When you are a child, all you want is to be loved, to be safe. This is essential to a child, as it is what develops them into a healthy and independent adult. And, this is especially important concerning parents or guardians. Effective parenting practices ensure that the child will have a better chance at developing according to their age and needs. This will grant the kids skills that they will use and perfect as they grow up. In other words, children that are well-taken care of have a higher chance of being strong, healthy, and emotionally developed adults.

When a parent or guardian is ignorant of how they can impact their child’s growth, it has many negative effects. In Touya’s case, Enji Todoroki was clueless. This does not mean Enji should not be held responsible just because he was ignorant. Enji knew he was not being the best parent, but he did not know how exactly. And, at the time he was blinded by his greed and ambition, so he would not have been paying attention to that. Even so, (personally) I do not think parents are afforded the luxury of ignoring their bad parenting if they are made aware of it. They are responsible for another human’s life and growth. They should be held accountable if the child develops issues and hurts themselves or even others.

With that being said, Enji Todoroki was a horrible but clueless parent. From what I have understood from the manga and the anime, at first, he had no idea why Shoto was so "rebellious" (in his opinion). He also seemed to not understand Natsuo and Fuyumi. So I am led to believe that he was, at the time, oblivious to how much he negatively impacted Touya. 

Touya just wanted his father’s affection. If that meant grueling training and preparing to become a hero to defeat All Might, then so be it. It was the attention and affection he knew. He was not led to believe otherwise. Touya's sole positive interactions came from him showing he could fulfill his father’s sick dream. In a child’s mind, that was the only way to secure parental love and approval: To train as hard as possible and become what his father so desperately wished for.

Then his hair started turning white. He started getting injured because of his quirk. His only source of positive attention, his only hope for affection, was killing him. And it had to be stopped. I am sure in Touya’s mind, this meant he would not be loved anymore. 

And then Enji stopped training him. Natsuo was born. Shoto was born. And Touya felt that his source of love was directed to that baby. The baby that Enji saw as a success. Enji made Touya feel like a failure, a broken toy. And he was being replaced by a newer, shinier one: His brother.

When he tries to attack Shoto, he is trying to take back his place. Touya was trying to gain back his father’s love and attention.

Enji wanted to prevent Touya from hurting himself more. But he failed to communicate that. Instead, his words made it seem like his plan was foiled. Touya wasn’t enough, so Enji’s chance of using him to end All Might vanished. Touya wasn’t what Enji needed anymore.

Touya’s world didn’t collapse all at once. It didn’t even crack all at once. From what I understood, it was a collection of hairline fractures that never healed. It was a dislocated shoulder that was never put back in its place and was left to hang. It was a pounding headache that only grew more and more painful over time. 

When Dabi was born, Touya had been buried in bruises, paper cuts, minor broken bones, chronic illnesses. Touya was killed by exhaustion and pain. He didn’t die at one point, he was dying all along. 

As someone who suffers from chronic issues, I know that the somatization of symptoms and other sources of pain can turn a simple illness into something much more serious. Think of it as a butterfly effect, but all inside one person: Every single negative experience, from both outer and inner sources, all summed and turned into one massive festering wound. 

Touya’s mind was a living open wound, it seems.

So Dabi was born. To seal the wound shut. Clean it? No. Protect it? Maybe.

But this particular type of wound (the psychological, emotional one) if left untreated can become infected. And infected wounds are harder and more painful to clean and treat. 

Dabi’s mind is a bandaid over an infected wound. It seems objectively okay, maybe even sane. But he’s clearly in pain. He’s not in his right mind. His decisions all stem from the pure rage and anger of a child that was abandoned. 

What chapter 300 brought was the perspective of a child that just wanted to be loved. That's all he wanted. And the only love he knew was when Enji Todoroki trained with him, no matter how gruesome and painful it must've been.

I'm gonna briefly and superficially compare his situation to mine. Of course, I didn’t suffer half of the pain he did, and I won't go into any detail as to not trigger myself. But, I only got attention when I was either extremely sick or I was needed as a trophy child of some sort. Even then, if I was ill, the attention I got was so I could get well soon and go back to being "useful". I was an extension of them, at best. But I still craved their attention. I still do in a way to this very day. It's not something that just goes away once you realize how toxic and abusive it is.

No matter how much pain I’m in, no matter how love-starved I am, I still want their approval. Inside me, there’s still a scared child, crying out for her parents to love her. That child is now my responsibility. I have to give her love, nurture her so she can grow with me.

Does that make sense?

I have no idea how Dabi is feeling. And I don’t think we’ll ever truly know. He is fictional, after all, and there’s no telling if Horikoshi will be delving into that.

But maybe Touya is still inside Dabi, crying, screaming to be loved. And Dabi is trying his best to tend to that child, but he never truly grew up to know how to take care of another being. Dabi doesn’t know how to take care of himself emotionally. 

I’m learning because I, thankfully, have access to therapy. But it hurts. It hurts to realize the ones that were meant to take care of you, didn’t. It hurts to look into yourself and see a shaking, teary-eyed child begging for crumbs of love.

Now, with the whole "redemption" thing being debated, here's my own personal opinion. You don't have to agree, and I'm not asking you to. Again, this is just how I view it. As a survivor, I'd be relieved to see my parents try. The damage is done, true. I'll never regain my childhood. I'll never have what people with different, better, parents have. The past can't be reversed. And I'm seeing it repeat itself with my little brother. But, if there's a minimal chance that my parents can own up to what they did, that they open themselves up to changing their behavior and learning, then maybe we can build something new.

Build. Not rebuild. The foundation of our past relationship was rotten from the beginning. A new one must be built. A new foundation must be developed if we ever hope to make something of our relationship.

If the Todorokis, really want to reconcile, reconnect, rebuild, then they must start from scratch. If Enji Todoroki wants that, he’s gonna have to start from zero, from nothing. And I'm not entirely sure if Endeavor is doing that, but he is trying, somehow. We don't know for sure if he even has the emotional skills to do so. We can't say for sure that he's got what it takes to man up, own up and learn. But, he seems to be trying.

And that's something I've accepted I'll never have.

So if there's at least a 1% chance that he is truly trying, that Enji wants to redeem himself, then let him. Let their family try and heal together if that's what they want.

I'm not sure about the Japanese culture when it comes to family. But where I come from, a family is an important base of our personal and social development, to the point that reconciliation more often than not is the best route.

Still, I know it's not for everyone. So I respect you if you believe he doesn't deserve a chance. I understand if you say Enji Todoroki should be kept far away from his family. You're right, and you're valid.

But, please, please, if the author decides that he redeems himself and does try his best to start a new relationship with his family, let him. Let them heal. Together. Let them try and make up for the lost time in the best way in the present. Let them rebuild.

I know I'd give anything to rebuild my family.

Let Touya be healed and put Dabi to rest. Touya needs to be loved, he needs to be taken care of like he never was as a child. Dabi needs to be told he tried. He needs to be told he did what he could. 

But Dabi is also an adult now. He’s got legal responsibilities. The pain and devastation he’s caused and helped cause can’t be overlooked. He needs help, but he also had to be held accountable. 

Touya/Dabi needs to face himself and start over. He needs to face the man he’s become and at the same time take care of the child he wasn’t able to be. 

If the Todoroki family is reconciled, I dearly hope he gets to be a part of this new book. Not a new chapter, they need to throw that whole book away and start a new one. And, if possible, I’d love to see someone like me get the ending I won’t be getting. 

I hope this made some sense at least. Again, if anything is unclear, ambiguous, or problematic, let me know and I’ll do my best to correct or remove the bad parts. If you’ve read this far, thank you. If you share a similar experience, I’m sorry, and I’m here for you. 

[science-lings]

You have made me curious. Please tell me about your oc's! What are their names? Why? Are they from a specific fandom or from a world of your own making? What do they look like? What is thier favorite fruit/color/food/drink? You made a spidersona a while back, right? Have you developed them more or have you moved on? (Sorry theese are a lot of questions at once you don't have to awnser all of them if u don't want to lol)

Okay so I have a great many main ocs so I’ll make little intros for them that answer each question lol

also here’s a link to the masterlist that might be more helpful and less rambly lol, it also links to art of the characters if you’re interested:

OC MASTERLIST

First of all, we have Rosalia (Rose) Scarlett Dawn who has healing powers, she (or at least her main design) started out as the spidersona you mentioned, but she evolved beyond even marvel oc territory lol. I draw her the most, she’s the one with red fading into white hair and sectoral heterochromia/ gold eyes, you can probably find her very easily on my art account @sciencelings-arts. Her image is also what I use as the icon for my writing account @sciencelings-writes which was a commission I got done for her last Halloween. She has become a very different character, although I still really vibe with her spidersona origins. She exists in the marvel universe as a SHIELD agent that does her best to use her powers for good but once SHIELD falls she works for Tony Stark and the Avengers as their on-call medical professional as she is kind of the expert in weird shit like injuries and sickness that originate from magic or alien stuff. Her sister Artemis also works for SHIELD as a field agent and does not have powers. Their relationship is kinda complex and depends on the universe that they’re in, like my original series is set in a bunch of different universes as I don’t want to constrict myself with just writing fantasy or sci-fi or whatever. Anyway Rose is a lesbian with underestimated powers and all that kind of shit. She’s fruity, they say an apple a day keeps the doctor away but she is the doctor and she will consume any apple within her eyesight. 

Second of all, this one will be shorter, Andromeda Starling, Basically her parents were scientists for hydra and she found out and ran away, resulting in her getting lost in space and gaining shapeshifting powers that evolve from partial shifts like gills and wings to full transformations like turning into a dragon because she wants to. She’s a sapphic asexual and is endgame with Rose, Her image is on my art blog (linked above) and my rarely used OC blog @sciencelings-ocs, After her transformation, her blood turned purple and her eyes turned purple and all her hair turned a cold white. She actively avoids going to earth and is the basic lone wolf type that comes across as mean but it’s mostly due to trauma and mental illnesses. She kicks ass and has no idea how to talk to people. She likes space fruit and actually knows how to cook space food. 

Next, we have Adisa Crow AKA Doctor Plague who is Rose’s nemesis, She got her powers from trying to recreate Rose’s powers within her and it going very wrong. Her powers can reverse other character's powers and skills, whether that’s a direct opposite like making a fire-themed character control ice or whether it’s just twisting the power against them, like making Andromeda’s shapeshifting uncontrollable as her power normally relies on her focus and complete control. But her powers come with a price as they are constantly affecting her, giving her hallucinations and manipulating her thoughts and emotions drastically. She wears a plague doctor mask when in full supervillain mode. She and Rose have a full friends to lovers to enemies to friends kind of arc as when she is released of her powers she might be forgivable with a whole lot of therapy. She only drinks Redbull and coffee. 

speaking of therapy, next we have Alexandria Iriklitis. She’s a superhuman therapist with a magic voice. She mostly uses her voice to manipulate emotions but it’s powerful enough to levitate objects and break glass, and even bring down buildings and stuff. She has very colorful hair and very solid black geometric tattoos all over her body. She’s not normally a fighter type of character but she does appear as a peacock siren bard in the fantasy au and that comes with having wing arms and a big dramatic peacock tail. She is the only emotionally stable one usually but she’s not perfect and although it takes a lot to rile her up, she can lose her shit and no one should be within fifty miles of her when that happens. 

Next, we have Ma’at Ramses who is a necromancer goth mom who adopts death kids that are ostracised from the normal magic organizations. She has a magic sword hilt that shifts into different weapons at will and a magic helmet that resembles an Egyptian pharaoh's crown that gives her extra abilities. She’s constantly in contact with the dead and her mission is to give them peace but more and more keep coming to her for help and no matter how much she works, she is never finished.  She constantly feels the rage from the dead that need to be avenged and it takes tremendous control to not take it out on the people around her. Eventually, she figures out that those feelings are not her own and she can control how much they affect her and she becomes a much less angry person. She’s kinda morally gray as she has no qualms about things like murder of she decides that the person really deserves it. She really hates injustice and doesn’t just sit around for people change and you know, heavily bigoted politicians just disappear sometimes, that’s just how life is. 

Next is Diana Schmitt, a mutant who can control the heat of objects (mostly metal and glass) and the molten outcome. She’s heavily scarred on half of her body including her face and she’s missing an arm and a leg that she replaced with layered metal and glass prosthetics. She’s trans and sapphic because I can’t make cishet characters to save my life. She uses her powers to make weapons and tools as she has big blacksmith energy. also, she's six feet tall and super buff. She's the whole gentle giant type and is super friendly. Her scars and limb loss are from a malicious attack with ice which causes her to hate any kind of cold and even makes ice a trauma trigger for her. She hates the winter and tries her best to avoid cold places. She is immune to incredibly high heat and has literally slept inside of a volcano with a magma blanket. cozy. 

Lastly (I think) we have Guinevere (Gwen) Kaimana. She’s an actual mermaid. and a Pirate. She can control the sea and temporarily turn her tail into a skirt over fishnet tights covering human legs. When out of the water she has to take special care to be very hydrated. She can faint if lacking enough water in her body.  She has Polynesian tattoos on her arm and torso that glow white in the dark but only when it’s very dark like when she’s very deep in the ocean. She wields dual scimitars (those curved pirate swords) and is bisexual. She has a very unearthly energy and is basically a myth to the people on land, but on the seas, she’s known as the Queen of the Seas and is feared by the people who don’t know her. She has big found family energy with her crew and mostly just focuses on saving sea life and causing trouble for the us military because she thinks it's funny. They tend to overreact and try to find her and “bring her to justice” but they can never find her, no matter how much they search. Before becoming a pirate she had spent several unaging decades in isolation in the ocean before she was willing to associate with people again. Sometimes she gets confused by current events and technology when she visits the land but she hates showing it. 

[roseate7]

(Thanks to @hockey-saves-lives for posting the tweet about this) 

Some really great things about this article by Josh Yohe (behind a paywall so I’ll summarize somewhat):

- Yohe describing his discomfort in being pressured to write about Sid’s worst concussion era as being the premature end of his glory years (2012) and the way Sid asked to speak to him privately afterward. “He wasn’t thrilled with the article but was polite because he doesn’t know any other way.” It’s moments like those why hockey writers consistently cite Sid as a joy to interview and work with. This was Sid’s idea of ‘confrontation’.

- This gut-wrenching part, conveying more than simple words because of how rarely Sid exposes himself emotionally: “At one point, Crosby shared his current reality: ‘One day, I feel perfect. The next day, I just can’t play. I don’t know when I’m going to be able to play.’”

And more than anything proving the point that Sid taking the necessary amount of time to properly heal himself was resoundingly the correct decision. That despite what everyone was saying, and in spite of the fact that everyone knew by that point that it was mis-treatment and hastening recovery that felled some of the prior greats, Sid holding hard to his instincts and the advice of medical professionals and waiting was worth it’s weight in... well, literally in silver and gold.  

Because imagine being Sidney Crosby at that time, confined away from the sport you love - the sport you gave up a large portion of your childhood and private life to represent - and isolated even from the usual sanity-keeping activities and visits while you’re sick with illness and the misery from a mercurial, internal villain. And all anyone is saying about you is that you’re likely washed up, past your prime, that you’re a burden on your franchise when not too long ago you were it’s savior. That the letter you delayed accepting until you felt the team was ready to accept you as captain should be “temporarily” stripped from you. And that was just the commentary from people somewhat on your side. Your injury and your treatment are deemed by everyone else to be exactly the proof they had always needed (and never had in any real way) to back up their idea of you as a diva and a weakling and a fraud waiting to be exposed. Never as good as those before you. That no one else needs this much time to recover, and Crosby is always getting the special treatment! That even fans who called for better concussion protocol and sharper rules on illegal hits when their favorites were affected, withheld their progressive hockey attitudes because it’s you and they just don’t like you or your battered brain. They’ve been so sick of Sidney Crosby who “saved hockey from backsliding and bankrupting into ignominy” and they’ve invented so many double standards already with regards to how you play - too soft or too violent/you dive or you make cheap shots/you deserve the hits you get or you don’t get the hits you say you do - that they’ll be glad to see you get yours and jeer you all the way down. (I’m not kidding. Hockey and it’s fanbases are so exceptionally nasty toward Sid that former teammates and hockey media have had to intervene to stem some of the more egregious habits.)  

It was humiliation piled upon geological layers of anxiety and physical pain. The dark world of isolation that is a severe concussion is known only by those who’ve been there (I have fwiw) and it’s a place you can never forget. Even years afterward, every moment of imbalance or even a simple brief headrush from kneeling too long, takes you right back to those haunted, lost days of realizing I’m not out yet. It’s also a world that is utterly misunderstood and too easy to underestimate by those who’ve never paid a visit. But if you’ve ever taken time to read up on it or known someone who has experienced it, it doesn’t take any projection or imagination to understand a little of how someone like Sidney Crosby was feeling at this time. 

The article that Yohe himself says he would now refuse to write was merely the common cant against Sid at the time, even if under a simple mistaken assumption that they were merely stating facts. Hockey’s golden boy was now on the scrap heap, hopefully to at least eke out his remaining years in the sport somewhat respectably. But the era which we now know to have been so glorious, was back then curtly decided to be over. 

"That Stanley Cup win in San Jose? That Stanley Cup title in Nashville? The World Cup? Captaining Team Canada to the 2014 Olympic gold medal? All of the miraculous plays before nothing but sellout crowds in Pittsburgh?

None of those events was preordained to happen. They don’t happen without Crosby being healthy and, eight years ago, Crosby’s long term future was very much in doubt.”

It’s also a good tonic for Pittsburgh fans in this particularly beleaguered season. Not that losses shouldn’t produce frustration because of course they do, but that the gilded age that almost wasn’t is not over just because this team - like so many - is having a rare ebb in the Malkin-Crosby era’s accustomed playoff berths. I could make some kind of metaphor about recalling glory in the bleak times and the colors black and gold but even I’m not that pretentious thank fuck.

Anyway sorry to Josh Yohe for using his article to write this and I promise I quoted sparingly so I didn’t straight up hijack it. If you have an Athletic account, please go read it in full!

[icharchivist]

So your meta of Lavi is a masterpiece and it helped me put into words a lot of stuff. I kinda wanted to talk about Allen though, one thing you mentionned is that Allen is really positive/optimist and want to save everybody, and while some of his 'light' probably comes from Mana's mask because so far it seems Allen's idea of Mana was of a really kind and positive and cheerful person. I wonder how much of his optimism/positiveness and desire to strive for the best for everybody come from -part 1

part 2-himself ? And I suddenly remembered DGM reverse, and woah, most exorcists backstories so far are really horrible, but they all had normal-happy memories mixed in (that doesn’t make up for the horibleness of other stuff and I’m not downplaying their stories nor am I interested in comparing who had it worse), Lenalee had her family before most got killed by Akuma and she was ripped away from Komui to be psychologically tortured and abused by the black order and it quite obviously distressed

part 3- her, her life so war was happy until akuma and the B.O ruined it. I dunno for Lavi but most panels of him as a child are cheerful and cute af, and he became a bookman for his desire to know about history and know more than most people, then increasedly got sick of humanity and their wars and their stupidity. Kanda’s backstory is the stuff of nightmares and OW, but he had Alma with him from the beggining and his friendship/love/I don’t think he quite knew with Alma meant a lot for him

part 4- etc etc. Allen’s backstory in reverse ? Kinda the opposite. Red didn’t have anything happy, no happy memories, no people that loved him, nothing. He barely had shelter (one that didn’t quite block out the chilling cold), and had to work to the bone for and while he had food, it wasn’t something he took for granted, because if Cosimo or somebody else felt like it they’d say lies to the ringmaster that Red slacked off and the Ringmaster would get pissed at Red, ‘put him in his place’part 5 (I think it’s 5)-and make him starve that day as punishment. And he was under constant threat of violence from pretty much anybody. The best reaction/treatment he could hope for at the time was being ignored (and all his human rights with it), and had to face disgust/physical violence/insults/slurs from all others. Red kinda accepted that nobody’d ever love him (though he admitted he longued for love once he witnessed it), but that didn’t matter because he hated other people right back

part 6- and the first time he received warmth/got treated as a human was from Allen the dog, then from Mana himself (who Red thought the worst of at the beggining), then had fluffy and happy memories and moments during two years after his miserable and hellish life (people probably treated him normally once Mana got him a glove to cover his Innocence Arm). The thing that differentiate him from others is that most others experienced at least some warmth before getting disillusioned/cynical

avant-derniere part-most experienced some warmth before discovering that no, humanity/life suck (for Kanda it happened at the same time)(that’s even how the earl bait most into making Akuma, they experience happiness and love then get crushed when the source of hapiness gp away), but for Allen/Red ? He was utterly done with life and didn’t remember any instances of a good memory/life and didn’t even know what positivity felt like ? And then he got to experience that life doesn’t suck THAT much.

final part- then he got to experience that life doesn’t suck THAT MUCH. that’s why witnessing/enduring fucked up shit won’t faze him in his goal, fucked up shit was the norm before this weird magical thing called love came. (aside from his duty to atone to what he did to Mana) He didn’t get the transformation from hopeful to cynical. it was the other way around. He went back to save Tykki in the ark once the Noah problem was taken care of, because in Allen’s worldview, Allen himself and his -

the true final part- Allen himself and his friends doesn’t qualify as 'white/light’ in his worldview. Tykki is a sadistical homicidal bastard ? He does have human friends and people he care for anyway, so if he’s not a threat/able to kill exorcists anymore he might as well save him. And that’s why he didn’t judge Suman for being a traitor. Or maybe I’m just sprouting useless pretentious bullshit and am mistaken,sorry, idk, enlighten me.

Heyaaa!! first thank you so much for the compliment it means a lot to me ❤ but huge shout out to the anon who helped put it all in words like that.

Second, I think you’re completely spot on on everything you mention.

(Before jumping in the whole thing while i agree with all you say, i’ll just mention that one of the Guidebook, the Grey Arc one, mentions that Lavi joined the Bookmen at 6yo, and almost gets killed by a stray bullet when he was 7yo (the guidebook mentions he clang to Bookman’s hair when he was healing him, leading Bookman to say it’s Lavi’s fault they’re falling off now). So by all account despite this incident Lavi had a happy upbringing with Bookman, or well as much as the heartless Bookman training had to offer).

For Allen, yes, all you say is very true and it’s honestly super interesting to me? Allen’s life before Mana was hell. Hell, hadn’t Allen-the-dog died because he was beaten up anyway? The only happiness he had with that Dog was taken away by him likely by his abusers. Before Mana, he lived through hell. He was 7 when he met Mana and they were together only 3 years. That’s only 3 years of real happiness. And if anything we get from Cross’s memories chapter, is that it took Allen a long, long time to get over it (and while there’s camaradery between them, Cross’s teaching traumatized Allen to this day so. Poor guy went through a lot).

Mana seems to be the only window of time in which Allen was happy, and he doesn’t have anything else in his early memories that allow him to cling to that. tbh that’s also why the changes of names matter a lot with Allen. from “Red” because it was the color of his arm, something people insulted him for, it was either an insult he got too used to to correct since he didn’t have a name anyway, or seeing himself as nothing else than what made his monstruosity to others. To “Allen”, the name of the dog. Of the first being who showed him love and affection and who died unfairly. To then take on the “Walker” last name after he turned Mana as an Akuma, likely in a way to remind himself of him, to “Keep Walking” but also to remember everytime he hears his name of what he has done to Mana and his duty toward him. 

And you’re entierely right: Allen’s story was one of cynism and suffering who eventually ended up getting better thanks to Mana, and Mana’s loss and the guilt of turning him into an Akuma from Allen in the mindset of constantly trying to take it over his shoulders. 

It’s obviously not meant to disregard the others backstories, like you say- but it’s interesting bc even Kanda who had the most horrible early years in life had Alma, and Alma balanced out the horrors he had to go through, and he had him from the start. And the scientists were actually kind to the kids outsides of the experiments. (not excusing any of the shits they pulled the kids through- but it sure does contrasts with Allen’s past that had people abuse him for no reason).

Mana is the catalyst of Allen’s storyline in many ways: for being the first being who showed him kindness and changed his viewpoint of life, to then the grief of losing him shaping Allen’s future guilt that isolates him from others.

Had Allen not been able to create an Akuma for Mana, it’s to wonder how “selfless” he would have become. While I think that him wanting to smile, be cheerful, be kind, comes mainly for being raised by Mana- His selflessness, his self-sacrificing attitude, his way to distance himself emotionally from others all come from the fact he “betrayed Mana” by making him go through the Akuma making process. If Allen could have remained kind and sweet growing up, a lot of his worst habits may not have existed has the guilt from the Akuma not happened.

I think it would be the nuance of what Allen evolved into due to Mana’s raising him, and what Allen evolved into due to the grief of losing Mana and therefore forcing himself to wear his mask.

Had Mana not existed at all in Allen’s life, I don’t doubt he would have turned into a bitter person until someone showed love and care for him. Imo, Allen was someone who was starved for affection but was in an unsafe environment for it to happen, and he grew cynical. The only fact he cared this much about a dog being kind to him shows that he was already fundamentally a kind soul that was just unable to express himself and only bitterness remained. What Allen needed was someone kind to encourage this side of him. (and like you mention, Allen does agrees he longued for love, just didn’t know what it was beforehand)

I think Mana made Allen feel safe to be “gentle”.  He showed him how being kind and cheerful could help himself and others. Like a parent teaches his child to evolve in life in a way. Allen was only 7 after all, he was still young enough to learn, to be shaped by his experience.

“Mana’s mask”, that fake smile though, comes from Mana’s teaching pushed to the extreme after Allen’s guilt over Mana pushed him to push people away. 

So yes, you’re right: Allen’s journey was of cynism to cheerfulness. To determination to carry on. I think he had the potential to cheerfulness all along but just needed someone to push him in the right direction, and Mana was that push (but for that we need a little more “casual times between Mana and Allen between Allen’s 7 and 10 years old”). But the guilt and trauma of the Akuma!Mana incident pushed Allen to do this to the extreme, often at the detriment of his own feelings.

I believe his willingness to see the best for everyone comes from the Akuma!Mana incident as well. It is hard to believe that finding One Gentle Person after years of being abused would change Allen’s view this much. But i think seeing something like gentle and sweet Mana being turned into a weapon of Mass destruction, and then see this repeat itself with others people, knowing that Akuma were people just as desperate than he was, people who loved so hard, that they called onto a soul who hadn’t asked for it to be turned into weapon: would have Allen see that there must be something good into anyone. That if an Akuma, a weapon of mass destruction, could be just a suffering soul being chained into life because they were loved too much, then what about anyone else? 

I think understanding the Akuma the way Allen does have him reconsider the way he sees everyone else. That everyone has their chains that bind them to the world. That some of those Chains are heavy and can turn people into assholes to stand it, to stand this life they were chained into. But there’s still a soul behind the chains and Allen wants to believe in it. I believe it’s a way also to hold on to the last memories he has of Mana, to keep it as a positive figure in his mind, rather than an already twisted creature. And that’s why the humanity and salvation of the akuma is so important to Allen to start with.

By humanizing the Akuma to that extends, Allen can push his compassion to anyone else. So imo, i don’t think it would have happened had the Akuma!Mana incident not happened. It’s likely it is that bad in canon as well because of his eye only: perhaps if he only ever saw Mana, he would have developped differently, but seeing all those Akuma’s souls made it impossible for Allen to ignore it. The moment he sees a soul, he sees a story there; he sees a person who was loved too much and was chained back into life to commit horrors. And from that point on, I think that compassion just become a reflex.

So as such it makes sense Allen extends that to anyone else. Suman becoming a fallen told a story about why he became this way, of his relationship with the Innocence, of his suffering with it. Meeting the Light part of Tyki first had Allen sees all sides of him, and know that Tyki was duty bound to the Noah as well, and that people cared for him. And if Allen didn’t extend this compassion to Tyki per se, he would have had to the people who loved Tyki because he knows what loss feels like and he doesn’t want anyone to go through this.

I find it harder to word than i expected welp but yes, i agree with all you say, and y e there’s just. a lot to Allen. and imo his whole viewpoint comes from he sees Akuma to start with. Mana was his greatest influence in general.

allen breaks my heart ;;-;;

Take care!

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

03.06.2021

Dear G, 

I’m lying in bed right now thinking of what I should say at this point. Besides all the things that I want to say. I love you. I miss you. I think about you every moment of every day. Everything reminds me of you. I’m looking for you everywhere. I see you in the sun, the sky, the stars, the moon. I hear your laughter just at the edge of my ears. I can feel your soft little hands on me sometimes. I imagine coming home to you and hearing your beatiful little voice saying ‘ hey bb’. I look at my phone all day hoping that somehow you will just message me. I go to sleep and I dream of you. I wake up and I ache for you. I feel like I am chasing you but you’re just beyond my reach. I have to keep going on with my days but they drag on so long. I think of you so far far away and I wonder what you’re doing, what you’re saying, what you’re thinking and what you’re feeling. I go through all our photos of the places we’ve been together, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually. I carefully remember every little joke, every little gag, every little piece of our love language that we shared just you and me. It comforts me while I’m revisiting them and then I come back to the reality of our lives now, seperate and apart, and I’m left with this aching from deep inside me. Sometimes its dull, sometimes it throbs, and sometimes its piercing and desperate. I carry on this way every day now. I don’t even try to stop the feeling because I still want to feel it, I think its still somehow connecting me to you. I wonder if you’re feeling the same pain as me at the exact moment. Its at that moment that it gets really strong because I just want to call you, reach out to you, message you, anything. Any way to get ahold of you and I would. I’ve written emails to you, i’ve obssesed over every word I write and then I hold myself back from sending it and I trash it. I do this at least a few times a day now. 

I hold myself back because I made a promise to you. Well I made many promises to you in our time together. This one I intend on keeping though.  I am going to contact you only when I am a full month sober and not sooner. I keep that in my mind every time I almost reach out to you. What would you say anyways? You would already know that I’m not yet a full month sober and what would you say? I don’t really know to be honest but I owe you so much that I haven’t made good on at least I can do this one thing that you asked of me. I am really just at this point just holding on to any hope that when I do finally reach out to you, you will still have hope for us as well. That’s the hardest part about doing this right now. I am faced with all my choices that I have made that led up to this point and its just so easy to start to get absolutely and literally disgusted with myself. I self talk myself out of that though and remember none of that will get me anywhere. I’m taking responsibility and full ownership for my actions and working on changing myself. I don’t like who I’ve become. I know who I want to be again. I’m everyday fighting for myself. Not in a manic or desperate way, but really trying to answer my questions for myself as quietly and as peacefully as possible. Sometimes it easier than others. To be honest it gets really hard when I think about you and me and me and my kids. Its really just hitting a nerve every time. I start to think about how could I possibly let it get to this point almost every day. But I stop there and tell myself what has already happened cannot be changed but I can still change moving forward. I don’t let myself either feel sorry for myself, or pity my circumstances, or obsess over what already happened. As much as I wish I can change my situation I cannot unless I really ask myself why I did these things to begin with and how can I change and heal so that I don’t do them again. I’m ready for anything, this part at least, i really am desperate for. I cannot stand to live like this anymore. I’m exhausted from myself and what i’ve done time and time again to cause myself more pain than I need or deserve. I know that if you’re reading this, if you’ve gotten this far after I’ve shared my tumblr with you, which I will have done when i reached out to you after one month of sobriety, you’re probably thinking so what why is this my problem? If you’re thinking this, you’re right it isn’t and it never was. I’m sorry for forcing you to shoulder the burden of my pain, I’m sorry that I didn’t confront my shadows and face my insecurities and addictions head on and for myself by myself, I’m sorry you had to give up yourself time and time again in the hopes you could somehow make me better or at least happier. So I also hope that by the time you’re reading this, I’m well on my way to the right path, of learning about myself, healing myself and learning to love myself. 

The truth is that despite all the pain and heartache I’ve caused and all the hardship we’ve had to go through, I still think of all the things that we used to do together and I smile or laugh. Sometimes I cry, but its happiness that i got to share them with you. The way that you would always try to wake me up when I was sleeping untill I finally, just had to, wake up. The way that you would call me back to our bed/trap when I tried to get up earlier. The way that you would sometimes just fart and then laugh it off. How you would always make me beg for your kisses. Sometimes you would pull away from me until I pulled you back. Once we got past that phase early on it became a running joke for us. How you were always an absolute and complete disaster trying to get ready for work and get there on time. I would always be your co-pilot while getting ready. You would get mad at me. I would keep trying to get you ready. You would run off with your breakfast I made you, which you hardly ever ate. Sure enough a few minutes later you would message me about how you forgot something. Remember that one time I came down to help open the patio because nobody else was there. Remember that other time that you wore the garbage bag because it was absolutely pouring.  Our dates out together. I would watch you get ready, just in awe at how beautiful you are. Then we would go out and you would hold my hand on the ride there. Usuallly you would post to social media everything, including me, which I loved, and you would usually get a little drunk. Which was always fun. It was always fun. We always would laugh and have the best time no matter what we were doing. I remember we binged a bunch of shows together on our couch, you always picked of course. We always started off watching but never really finished. I think we started our ‘daddy daughter’ fantasy at some point then. Remember how sometimes we would go to Koreatown and just walk around. We couldn’t do much because of COVID. But it didn’t matter because it was just us and that was more than enough. Remember that one time you got waxed and you invented your duck walk because of it. Remember that one time we went to High Park and I got sick but it was fine. You didn’t let me eat any more Chinese food. Remember the summer night we spent in Trinity Bellwoods talking to each other. You were in your blue dress. Of all the things I loved doing with you, whether it was going somewhere, or just at home, whether it was talking or messaging, I loved doing them because I was doing them with you. You were and I hope still are my best friend. There never has been anyone in my entire life that I’ve been more connected with and I know there never will be. You’re the best lover I’ve ever had, my best friend, my partner, my queen, my everything. There’s so many more things and memories than this but I just know that you know them too so I’ll stop there. For now. 

What will this time apart, living as seperate people, and not as us anymore, hold for us? I don’t really know. It’s not really up to me anymore. I know that much. I gave up any say in what will become of us when you finally made a choice to leave and let us go. I know if I had it my way, we would find a way back together, we would heal ourselves, we would heal together, we would heal us and heal back together. I would spend every moment I could undoing all the wrongs all the pain all the hurt I caused to you and your broken heart. I would relentlessly and tirelessly work on restoring me to you the way that you deserve. All the pain i caused you was so senseless, its clearer to me every day, you didn’t deserve that not then, not now, not ever. I was so blind to the biggest problem in our relationship; me. I pushed then pulled, then pushed then pulled again and again until you just couldn’t take it. That doesn’t even begin to account for my active addictions that I never could be honest with you about or even try to deal with. None of it was worth it. Absolutely pointless. Now I am alone and I have to deal with the consequences of my choices. I am going to have to live with that; whether or not you decide to give us and me another chance. Regardless of what happens, I cannot unknow my own actions. Its a reminder i will never forget. 

I know that you’re still very much in pain and confused. You want to let me go, you want to let us go, you don’t want to get hurt again. I completely understand. I’ve been following your social media from a distance since it’s the only way I can feel like I’m closer to you, if its only just reading. I’m sure you already know that though. I’m sure you know I’m reading it all. Translating it all. Saving it all. Screenshotting it all. I am completely in love with you and I cannot stop. Of course I’m doing all of that. I actually am happy that you’re on this journey. Sometimes the posts sting but only because I know that I’m the reason and the cause for the post. It doesn’t matter though I’m happy to just be able to see and hear a little bit of you every day. So while I do hope with all my hopes that there is still an us in the end, after all of this, I’m am leaving that completely up to you. It’s your choice and as it should be.

I’m going to continue my own journey here another day and I wish you the very best in your journey too. I of course will keep up with all your twitter and tumblr posts. I will try to limit myself though a little bit because I check them way too often. I’ll try at least. I am holding out hope for the day soon when I email you. I don’t really know what I will say or what will happen. It doesn’t matter. I must and I will give it everything i can to ask you to give us another chance. You’re the woman of my dreams and the love of my life. I will never find another you. You’re you. I love you so much G.

Have a beautiful day beautiful

I’m thinking of you my love

I’m dreaming of the day I can see you again

I hope that there still can be an us

[g0ldpainted]

hi there! i'm so sorry to bother you but i'm kind of going through an episode right now and i love your imagines so much that i thought you could help me out. i had an emotionally and mentally abusive ex and recently them and their friend contacted me and are harassing me but i blocked them but i still can't help but feel shit. i was wondering if you could write a prompto x reader imagine where his s/o is dealing with the same thing and he comforts her and leads to smut too? xo.

Heey A-le-lone-wolf! THANK YOU SO MUCH!! And I’m so sorry you have to go through this. If you ever need an ear to listen to you can always shoot me a message. And I also hope that things will get better for you! And you’re not bothering me at all!!! :oLast but not least, thank you for your kind words and for sending that request. 

It took quite long to finish because I didn’t want to make mistakes. The actual NSFW scene will be uploaded in a different post - but I promise you’ll get your smut! I’ll have to re-touch that part again but it should be up tomorrow. But I wanted you to know that I’m not ignoring your request and didn’t want to keep you waiting much longer! ^^

Anyway, I hope you like it

(P.S: I’m not ignoring any requests, I’m working on all of them).

Part: 1 out of 2

Words: 3000+

Genre: Eeeh, fluff but kind of angst too?

TW: Mentions & depictions of harassment, abuse, bullying and smut begins at the end - the actual scene is in a separate post.

“They’re doing it again!” Prompto’s S/O shouted, messages of her abusive ex and the army of “friends” they had spamming the notifications on her phone. 

Over the past few days, they had been sending numerous messages over all kinds of social media harassing her, sending mean messages or even photos and video snippets. Prompto knew. He was there when it all began, when his S/O’s ex first tried to sneak his way back into her life. His first reaction was to take her phone - of course, after asking - and blocking them and deleting all messages for her. That didn’t stop them, though. Only hours later they created new accounts. More hurtful words were sent. Unfortunately, Prompto wasn’t there to stop them. She read through all of the messages, tried to come up with smart remarks but simply couldn’t. 

Pick up the phone, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.You dare to be with that stupid blonde guy again?!Why waste your time. Just come back already.No one will ever love you as much as I did.We both know you need me. You’d be nothing without me. You should be grateful I’m willing to take you back after such a ridiculous attempt at breaking up.I’m the best thing that ever happened to you. Okay you know what, fuck you and your sorry ass.All my friends hate your worthless ass as well.I’m sure your boy is cheating on you. Think I’ve seen him with some blonde, busty mechanic.You should be thankful I’m trying to help you.This is all your fault! Such an ugly mess, probably crying like a baby. Get yourself together.

Those were just some of the texts she received. With each message, she heard their ex’ voice, saw their face scrunching up before they yelled at her. She could practically hear their voice in her head, haunting her all over again. They broke up over a year ago, yet they still tried to get her back. Before their final break up, she came back - multiple times. They always managed to guilt trip and manipulate her into believing she had to go back. Right after they put her down, slowly tore her self-esteem off, they comforted her, whispered sweet nothings into her ear. 

It was a never-ending cycle of abuse. But eventually, she found the strength within herself to break it off. For good. Back then, they harassed her for a few months, made sure she knew about all their new relationships and how much better they were. They were obsessed with her, still trying to control her even from afar. She moved, bought a new phone and deleted all memories associated with them - including her old social media accounts. 

And it helped. For some time at least.

(There’s a read more thing here)

Up until recently, they hadn’t spoken to her. But then it all resumed to where it ended: More attempts at making her feel worthless, unworthy of anything, followed. Once they had found her account and continued to bully her through social media messages, even let a friend jump in and spread the same hurtful words, it also didn’t take long before they found her new phone number. 

Then they started calling her, hiding their ID to ensure she’d pick up, throwing shade and spilling hate. And now they were texting her, over and over again, using various different numbers to ensure she couldn’t just block them all. 

“Shut up!” she screamed at her phone, her eyes tearing up as more messages popped up.

One had a picture attached to it which so happened to be an old nude they took per request. Back when she was still with her now-ex, it was something they demanded but she didn’t want to take. The way they continuously demanded it, not even asking kindly, had her in shock and terrified. They even threatened her about it. Out of fear, she took it.. And now they were using it as a weapon against her. 

Wow, Jabba the Hutt much? Look at all those rolls of fat on your body. Ugly as hell. You might wanna consider surgery.

Want me to send that to your family? Show off your disgraceful body? Or maybe the football team wants something to laugh about?

This was the third day in a row they commented on her weight, calling her fat although she hadn’t gained weight in years. And if they weren’t calling her fat, they found other flaws about her body they just had to point out. It was all about making her feel insecure - and it worked. It always did.For the past three days, she hadn’t eaten. She was quite hungry but whenever she wanted to eat, she remembered how they commented on her eating behaviors back when they were dating. Both combined made her lose her appetite.

Another plate of food? Haven’t you eaten enough? 

It all made her stomach twist. On the worst days, they smacked her food out of her hands, letting it fall to the ground - later playing it off as caring for her, not wanting her to get sick. She soon found herself eating less and less, forcing herself to believe she wasn’t hungry.

And now, again, they were screwing with her mind and her perception of herself.

Feeling various different emotions within herself ranking from sheer anger over complete disappointment and disbelief to sadness, she threw her phone against a wall. The screen cracked, parts of the glass spread all over the floor. Thankfully, it broke enough to actually turn off. The screen was black, no more notification sounds, no more vibrating and no more screen lighting up. It was eerily quiet as tears leaked from her eyes. She wanted to stay strong, wanted to fight them off but she couldn’t. They were in control over her. Even after all this time, they still had that connection, that bond she was desperately trying to cut. The bond that made her submit to them. A bond that created through trauma, tears, anger, threats and sweet, caring moments that turned out to be lies or complete manipulation. One second they raised their hand, telling her that they’d hit her if she wouldn’t do as they said, a second later they held her close, kissed her neck as they whispered how much they loved them and wanted them. It was a relationship that was far from healthy. A relationship that messed up her life, gave her trust issues, anxiety, depression and caused other health related trouble. 

As she sat on her bed, crying, putting her head in her hands, she thought about her new boyfriend: Prompto Argentum. 

They had been dating for quite some months but took it incredibly slow - he was a total sweetheart about it. He cared more than anyone ever did, even stayed up all night when she was panicking, making sure that she’d be okay and cooked her food or cleaned her apartment when she had no motivation to do so. She shared her situation and story rather early into the relationship - simply because she felt she was acting weird around him and wanted him to understand. He was always was an understanding sweetheart about it. Not once did he make stupid jokes or remarks - when she spoke, shared her story, he listened. And he always made sure she felt appreciated afterward. It took forever for her to let him in but eventually, she did. The way he carefully and so shyly asked for numerous dates surprised her - and made him seem incredibly cute, she couldn’t reject him - even though, she was still traumatized in some ways. And now he was joining her on her path of healing.

To her, it was a miracle that she managed to be with him, that she overcame her fears so quickly. But Prompto simply blew her away in the most positive way; always finding the right words to say and being an absolute sunshine. He was perfect ..and she didn’t feel good enough for him. Not once did she believe she was worth his time, worth his effort. And having her ex tell her that he might be cheating just made it worse. They had betrayed her when they were dating and didn’t even care about hiding it, too, just let her catch them cheating.. in their shared bedroom. And then they played it off as her not satisfying him. She knew the pain associated with being cheated on, the feeling of never being good enough, and she didn’t want to feel it again. 

Minutes turned into hours in which she couldn’t calm herself. While her tears dried, the pain didn’t leave, the hurt was still visibly written on her face and her heart felt torn. And then her entrance door was suddenly opened and someone stepped inside. Her heart now palpitated from fear. 

“Did they find out where I live..?” she thought, the trembling of her body increasing. 

The footsteps came closer, becoming louder with every step. Shivers ran down her spine. It seemed like the stranger was walking through her apartment, looking for her. They picked up objects, a bottle even fell to the ground along with some keys, the abrupt noise further shaking her up. It was when they opened doors, switching on various lights, that she completely lost her cool. Her bedroom was the only room in which light was already on - the intruder must’ve known where she was ..but they waited, probably on purpose.

Her breathing picked up the second she spotted a shadow, the footsteps coming to a stop at the same time. For a moment, her eyes wandered between her door and her broken phone. She regretted having thrown her phone - the only object that would’ve made it possible to call the police.The handle lowered rather slowly, her breathing hitched and finally, the door started opening. She clutched onto her bedsheets, her widen eyes bathed in anxiety, focusing on the door.

And then he finally stood in front of her: Prompto. 

With a huge, bright smile he entered the room, locking eyes with her right away. But the second he saw how shaken she was, his smile faded. He let go of the handle and slowly approached her trembling frame.

“Are you.. Okay? I tried to call you but.. You didn’t pick up,” he explained, watching her in shock. 

She couldn’t speak, instead broke into a well of tears again. Prompto’s gaze softened, he quickly sat down beside her, making sure to keep a little distance in case she didn’t want his near right now. He knew something was off, he knew she was far from doing good - and he knew that she needed him.

“What happened?” he asked, his hand gently reaching out for one of hers.

Still, she couldn’t speak. She was well aware of how he didn’t want to pressure her, never wanted to make her feel trapped like her ex did and always asked for permission but right now, all she wanted was for him to hold her - comfort her. To let him know about her needs, she tugged on his arm, pulling him closer.Although they hadn’t been dating for all too long, he could practically read her mind - he knew what she needed, was just a little hesitant about it. But as she tugged on his arm, he took it as a sign that she wanted to be closer and he gladly followed her demand. His arms wrapped around her frail body, pulling her into his chest. She buried her face in his shirt, soaking it with her tears and placed one of her hands on his shoulder for support. He held her close, placed soft kisses on her hair while he rubbed her back. His embrace was where she felt safest. He was her safe haven.

Every now and then, his eyes wandered around the room, searching for hints of what could’ve happened while he wasn’t around, searching for what upset them so badly. Eventually, his eyes got caught on her broken, shattered phone and it slowly made sense to him. There was only one thing that could’ve upset her so bad that she would’ve thrown her phone; her ex. 

“Did they reach out to you again..?” he asked, making sure his voice was as soft as it could possibly be. 

“Y-yes..” she stuttered, sobbing but slowly calming down while listening to her lover’s soothing heartbeat.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” he suggested, running a hand through her hair.

“It’s.. The s-same as always..” she shrugged, biting her lip right after, ”Called me names.. Put me down.. Even said you were cheating.“

Their relationship had always been about honesty and truth - no lies or secrets were kept - therefore, of course, she told him.

”Oh god.. I’d never cheat on you..“ he whispered, kissing her forehead.

”Yeah, p-please don’t..“ she mumbled, remembering how much it affected her self-esteem the last time it happened.

”I won’t. Never. I promise,“ he murmured looking down at her the second her head moved upwards. 

Her lips formed a small smile at his response, desperately trying to believe him - but that was still quite hard. She was still recovering from all the mental abuse she endured over years. And he knew she was still struggling, trying her best at believing him - he was fine with it, more patient than most people would’ve been. Prompto knew she wasn’t trying to harm him anyhow but instead trying to overcome her trust issues - it meant a lot to him. He treasured her, dearly, genuinely. 

”So he send messages again?“ he asked carefully, making sure to caress her cheek to provide comfort as he spoke. 

”Y-yeah.. And calls.. Voice messages.. Photos..“ she replied, the volume of her voice decreasing steadily. 

”The full program..“ Prompto summed up, sighing, squeezing her gently, ”I’m sorry they’re being such a pain.“  

”It’s my fault.. I shouldn’t have been with them in the first place..“ she blamed herself, wiping some last tears away. 

”No, don’t blame yourself. All you did.. Was fall in love. This is not your fault, not even in the slightest,“ he assured them.

”I.. Don’t know..“ she whispered, her eyes slowly drifting away from Prompto, ”I shouldn’t have .. Loved them.“

”Look at me..“ he spoke, gently lifting her chin so their eyes would meet, ”I’m sorry for what they’ve done to you.. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt so severely.. And I wish I could turn back time and stop them from causing any kind of pain. You don’t deserve to feel this way; you’re so perfect.. So beautiful.. So kind. I don’t understand how anyone could be willing to hurt such a mesmerizing woman like you are. All you’ve ever shown me was honesty and kindness.. And, of course, love. I’m so grateful to have you. I’m so glad I found someone that.. That is just as crazy as I am. Someone that I can share laughs with and my.. My secrets, too. You.. You mean the world to me. And I don’t ever want to lose you. Over these past months, you showed me what love is. Even after you’ve experienced something so horrible you manage to be a wonderful person. You even.. Help me improve myself. I will never get why cruel people like.. Your ex.. Exist or why they love to be the way they are. But I know that it has nothing to do with you. Their behavior is terrible and you don’t deserve that. They treated you badly - terribly. All you did was love them. All they did was destroy you. It’s not your fault they chose to be this way. You’re a beautiful person.“ 

His S/O teared up lightly and a small smile formed again. Prompto’s words hit home. 

”Wh-what I’m trying to say is,.. I.. I love you,“ he stuttered, blushing as he finally said those magic three words he meant to say ages ago.

The only reason to why he waited was that he didn’t want to put pressure on her. But now felt like the right time, the right moment to spill his feelings. The second she heard those words, a few tears fell from her eyes. Sure, she had heard them before - from her ex - but it never felt as genuine. Butterflies roamed through her stomach, while her warmed heart raced. Those words were something she usually didn’t believe but.. For some reason, she knew Prompto was being honest. The tears in his own eyes probably gave it away. And he was anxiously waiting for an answer. 

”I.. I love you too,“ she admitted, the heat rising to her cheeks as well while she started cupping his face with her hands and carefully pulled it down towards hers.

Both of them closed their eyes, Prompto chuckled from relieve only moments before their lips touched. It didn’t take long before they were in perfect sync, sharing subtle, sweet kisses over and over again. She managed to change her position, putting one of her legs on either side of his so they’d be on the same level and he wouldn’t have to glance down. Prompto’s hands found their place on her waist while they continuously exchanged rather chaste kisses.At some point, they were both out of breath and she pulled away, in awe of his amazing kissing skills. Both their cheeks were still on fire, glowing bright red and now their lips were quite swollen, too. So far they hadn’t gone further than making out and even then, their kisses were always more on the innocent side and full of giggles. But it felt different this time. 

”I’m sorry I’m such a.. I’m so much trouble,“ she apologized, staring right into his eyes while she spoke. 

”You’re not a lot of trouble, sweetheart. And even if, you’re worth all the trouble in the world. But really, there’s nothing you need to apologize for,“ he explained, brushing some of her hair behind her ear.

”Awh, stop,“ she giggled, burying her face in the crook of his neck so he wouldn’t see her blush. 

”You’re the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me,“ he whispered into her ear, placing a mellow kiss on her earlobe right after. 

The mere touch sent shivers down her spine and in return, she kissed the side of his neck. His breathing hitched and for a split second, he tightened his hold of her waist. She hit his sweet spot, his weak spot. Just to confirm her own thoughts, she kissed it again, gently nibbling on it, too. And that made him moan lightly - but he tried to hold back by sucking his bottom lip into his mouth. Meanwhile his hands “accidentally” slid up her body, pressing her further into him. 

“I’m so glad to have you..” she whispered against his skin, “Thank you for everything.“  

His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as she placed more kisses along his neck. It was her way of thanking him, emphasizing her words. But instead of just appreciating it for what it was, it drove him nuts. He couldn’t resist sliding one of his hands down to her thigh. Before he did anything, he waited for her reaction, made sure she wasn’t feeling anxious about it. But by the way she kept placing lazy, soft kisses on his neck, she wasn’t harboring any negative feelings from his touch. That’s why he gently squeezed it, tilting his head to the side at the same time - giving her better access. She didn’t mind his touch, liked it even. But she was unsure about where this was leading. That’s why she stopped kissing his neck and instead wrapped both of her arms around his neck and cuddled her face against his neck.

But Prompto was already set ablaze. However, this was not about him. The only thing he wanted was to make her realize what a goddess she really was - because he knew about her insecurities and how her ex kept nagging about her perfect body. Prompto absolutely loved it, saw no flaws in it - he wanted her to feel the same way about herself or at least wanted her to know that he thought she was the most dazzling woman he had ever met.

Part 2 (NSFW)

[cl1ffordclose]

Peter and Paul

People say that no one really changes. I believe people can. People change by giving up any desire for comfort. They change by letting go of the need to be in control. They change by talking less and listening and obeying more. They change by raising their hands and saying, “Here I am, Lord. Use me.”

The book of Acts gives perfect examples of men who started one way and ended up another. And this change didn’t take place by the results of any efforts they made—except for the effort of letting go of any pride and allowing themselves to be lead. It was all the Holy Spirit’s work of sanctification in their lives and maturing of their faith that had caused so drastic of a change.

I’m thinking more specifically about two central figures in Acts: Peter and Paul. And most everyone should know their stories.

Most people know Peter as the one who followed Jesus as a disciple so closely and loyally. He was the fisherman. He was the one who made all those bold proclamations to Jesus. He even said he would die for Him. But we all also know him as the one who denied Jesus three times, his most infamous moment. The disciple who had proclaimed his undying love for Jesus was too afraid to have even been affiliated with Him. Could you ever see God use such a coward like that to lead His church?

Yet we see a change in Peter in just a matter of weeks. On the Day of Pentecost, when the believers in the Upper Room had been filled with the power of the Holy Spirit, outsiders began to question and mock them. Peter, the so-called coward, then faces the crowd responds to their assumptions and then proceeds to preach. “People of Israel, listen! God publicly endorsed Jesus the Nazarene by doing powerful miracles, wonders, and signs through him, as you well know. But God knew what would happen, and his prearranged plan was carried out when Jesus was betrayed. With the help of lawless Gentiles, you nailed him to a cross and killed him. But God released him from the horrors of death and raised him back to life, for death could not keep him in its grip.” (Acts 2:22-24)

Where the heck did that all come from? This guy who’s challenging a whole crowd of Jewish strangers is the same person who couldn’t say he knew Jesus to three people?

And that was just the start of it all. As we continue to read through Acts, we see the many great accomplishments that Peter goes through: healing the sick, preaching to multitudes, mentoring other leaders, etc. It’s hard to imagine the immature disciple that he was.

And then there’s Paul, once known as Saul of Tarsus. Even he admitted that he was the worst of the worst. In the beginning half of Acts, we witness the stoning of Christianity’s first martyr, Stephen. And Paul was the one who saw to it. As you read the account and become so emotionally attached to Stephen, it’s hard not to hate Paul for what he did. And as if one was not enough, Paul later went on a mission to have more Christians arrested.

But we all know the story of Jesus intercepted Paul on his way to Damascus and how that caused Paul to see things differently—both literally and figuratively. So Paul commits his life to Christ and what a life he leads! I mean, seriously! Preaching to Jew and Gentile alike, staring churches, traveling overseas to preach the gospel, facing persecution and imprisonment for sharing his faith. And in the end—spoiler alert—he is executed for being a Christian. Talk about a dynamic change! He actually goes from a persecutor and jailer of Christians to being a martyr for Christ.

But one thing we must remember about Peter and Paul is that all this didn’t happen overnight. I mean, yes, each had a particular experience that radically changed their lives. But here’s the difference between them and other people who have had radically life-changing experiences: they didn’t lose their momentum. They kept at it and continued to go uphill. But did they do this by their own strength? No, not really. Than what was the secret ingredient to their “success”?

I’ll tell you what it was. The guidance of the Holy Spirit. Time and time again, throughout the accounts of each man’s life, you will see those moments where Peter or Paul were attentive to what the Holy Spirit had to say and obeyed Him. They felt a calling and went through with it, no matter how perilous it seemed. And many times, it cost them much. But they still trusted that God would, not rescue them, not keep them safe, but always be in control and that He had a plan for all of it.

So the point that I’m trying to get at is that…we need more Pauls and Peters in the church. And I’m not saying that we should compare ourselves to them on a spiritual level, because it’s not about receiving any spiritual fame or affirmation or trying to be the next apostolic hero. It’s about giving our will over to the Holy Spirit and trusting in God’s sovereignty. It’s about being attentive to the direction that God may give us.

When we’re comfortable in our Christianity, we’re missing out. God has so much more than what we are experiencing in our spiritual hobbit-holes. And the hard truth about the matter is…not all of it may be that pretty. It wasn’t for Peter, Paul, or any of the apostles. But—and this may sound cliché—God is with us. God may not always take us out of the valley of the shadow of death. But He will walk through it with us.

God always has had a plan. And the Holy Spirit is calling us to be a part of it. It never was our plan, no matter how many churches we may start and what ministries we may run. It’s not our ministry, it’s His.

Let go of your pride, fears, or doubts and listen to the Holy Spirit. And obey.

[humanistauno]

Paola Marie Zuniga’s Diary

01-13-2020

Monday

Dear Diary,

Everyone in the house was in a rush early in the morning since its Monday and none of us wanted to be late for the flag ceremony in the school. Like the usual, I went to church first to start off my day with a prayer. The world is full of temptations we want to avoid and prayer is one of the weapons you must have to defeat those worldly desires lurking around the corner.

Upon reaching the school grounds, another day in school had started. Still, Sir Bayron – our adviser, is not in good terms with us. I mean, he talk to us and all but still the bond which we used to have is now missing. Maybe he’s still hurt by what the whole class did last year. We said our sorry and all but I know it’s not that easy to forgive but! I also believe that time heals every wounds.

After class, I had to go back to church to join the practice for our choir which we will perform in the conference in General Santos on January 29. Seeing the church members from other neighboring municipalities such as Tampakan, Lake Sebu, Norala, Tupi, Lutayan and Polomolok made me excited for our presentation. We are now joining our forces for a great performance of course who would not be hyped with that thought. Best of lucks to us and May God bless us!

01-14-2020

Tuesday

Dear Diary;

I am sure that I had set my alarm at exactly 3:50AM but I woke up at exactly 6 in the morning. I had to rush things out and do quick movements for me to be able to catch up since I still need to go to church to pray and clean the classroom or else, I’ll kiss my points goodbye. My cousins along with my little sister were on their way to school when I was taking a bath so obviously, I will be on my own again. I really felt independent that time.

I arrived at school not early not late. Why would I even expect for me to arrive early when in the first place I overslept pfft! The usual routine was again applied – I got to clean the assigned area for us and made sure that larroza got to see me cleaning and put that check beside my name hehehe. I know he is a fair and kind classmate but I also have to make sure about my points. After the cleaning session, proper classes already started and I won’t deny that I got sleepy listening to our teacher, Sir Johann. During creative non-fiction, Sir Jepte told us to make use of his time in writing his requirements for his class. Everyone’s busy typing and writing and thinking and all while I just watch YouTube on my phone and do nothing. He even told us that if we are allowed to go outside if we feel like we can write better outside, which I really wanted to do but I am also too tired to move my big body so I remained seated and just continued watching the video.

01-15-2020

Wednesday

Dear Diary;

So today I don’t want to write the things I did the whole day. I just want to vent out because I am not feeling well. This is not related to someone or whatever, I just wanted to express my feelings because I am having fever right now which is so unexpected. I was happy and I kept on joking around earlier but then I ended up having fever.

I just want to say that I really missed my mom. We talked over the phone earlier while she was on her way home. She kept on talking about the foreigners she kept on seeing in Cebu. About her patient who came home from Japan because the economy of the said country is now going down and all. We talked about my future and about the universities I want to attend in college. She knew how I wanted to pass MSU-SASE. She knew how I wanted to go there in MSU and live the college life and I am very thankful on how supported she was but of course, she was also worried about me failing that exam also, she told me I needed plan B and told me it’s best to choose NDMU.

Having this kind of conversation with my mother made me miss her more. I missed seeing her in person and i missed every time she pinch me on my fatty waist. I will not deny that I had thought about living on my own back when she was still here with us- I am honestly excited with the thought of having myself alone, preparing food for myself and live in a room alone. But I am taking those thoughts back because it’s really hard to live a life without a mother. A mother to guide you and listen to your rants. A mother who will scold you for doing such wreck less things and all. Ah! Miss ko na gid si mama : (

01-16-2020

Thursday

Dear diary;

Absent.

I really had the guts last night to go to school with a fever but then my body won’t allow me. I kept myself glued on the bed while I endure the fever. I cannot even speak since my throat was swelling and it hurts even swallowing water. I called my mom and told her about this and she told me this is because I stayed up late for how many nights plus I have a weak immune system and this is the result.

I was just lying in the bed the whole day while I watch some anime series. Mayang even texted me about her head cap and told me they will be having their swimming and she needed the cap. I was panicking and all inside my head, thinking of what should I do to give her the cap since I am absent and I don’t have the strength to go to school and attend classes.

Luckily! My sister whom I thought was ditching her classes told me they only have their class in the afternoon and that she’ll be going to school at lunch. And with that, I asked her to give mayang her cap, problem solved! After that, I went back to sleep and enjoyed my slumber. What a poor pig suffering fever.

01-17-2020

Friday

Dear Diary;

I am still sick at this point but my fever’s now gone. What’s left is my clogged nose due to colds and I have cough that tormented me every time I barked like a crazy dog. Last night, Megue had told me that today will be our practicum in Swimming – I was thinking about going or not because honestly, I still felt weak and I have colds, I might sneeze in the pool and you-know-what might be sticking anywhere which is totally gross. But since It was practicum and I am thinking about the score, I decided to go and attend the class.

Wearing my ahegao shirt with my rash guard underneath with matching school uniform-skirt, I went to SMRAA and was greeted by my classmates. They even asked me if I am feeling well enough for me to participate the activity. Reus even touched my forehead and told me I have still the heat due to my fever but I disregarded what he had said because I low-key want to do swimming hehe.

We learned a new lesson in our PE before our practicum took place. The trainer also was different than the last lesson and for me, the trainer for the new lesson is better than the first one. He was precise in every move he make and he was really making sure that each student was able to catch up the steps he was teaching. After learning lesson two, we had our practicum, which made me feel nervous to be very honest. We have to cross the pool using streamline which was our first lesson in swimming, luckily, I was able to cross the pool and I am hoping my score was not deducted or something hehe.

01-18-2020

Saturday

Dear Diary;

‘Twas our church picnic and water baptism which was held at Armando’s resort. I am going to join the said event originally but then since my whole body was aching because ‘nadoklong ako’ I was not able to join them. For sure everyone’s having fun there along with the foods being prepared there. Guess who’s envious.

Since I am sick and can’t even move an inch because both my arms and legs are numb which I knew the swimming lesson was the cause. I had to layer up my pillow into three just for me to have a comfortable sleep but I think I was not able to achieve that ‘comfortable sleep’ since I kept on coughing and I swear, I even spat blood because of my cough which made me nervous so I texted my mom right away.

I slept at 9AM and woke up at 3PM maybe because I was so tired plus my whole body was painful so all I did was to lay up on my bed and still, watch anime on the laptop. I watched Howl’s moving castle which made me go squeal and groan. Squeal because of how good-looking howl was every time he had his screen time and groan because of how the pain in both of my arms and legs kicked in every time I flinch because of some scenes in the movie.

I even forgot to eat my meal that time so my tita decided to buy me some soft breads just so I can eat and drink medicine. Hmm, being sick is not that bad at all, especially when you are receiving special treatments from your family hehehe.

01-19-2020

Sunday

Dear Diary;

Okay, I am not going to write what I did the whole day instead, I will vent out here because I am really emotionally hurting right now. The last time I did this was when I was sick and it turned out to be about my mom- well today’s not that different, I am hurting and this is still about my mother.

We were on our way home when my tita told my Ates in church to pray for my mom’s safety in Cebu because she was being threatened. She even cried while we were in the vehicle which made me get worried but I managed to stay calm and listened to them. My tita told us that my father, my oh-so-responsible father was threatening my mom because my mother had filed a case against him since he committed adultery and failed to sustain our needs as OUR FATHER. He was mad at her because my mom had a warrant of arrest against him and because of that, he wasn’t able to get some job. He even told my mom that he will talk to his connections to kidnap mom and do his revenge on her.

Hearing those from my tita who was crying made me feel nervous even more. I began to send text messages to my mom but she wasn’t replying even in her Facebook account- she wasn’t online and all. It made me really nervous because I was already thinking so many what ifs inside my head but instead of letting myself drown in those thoughts, I distracted myself by fixing my uniform for tomorrow. After preparing my things, I decided to open my phone and there I saw her reply on my chats and while I was about to type my reply, she called which I answered right away and began crying.

I was crying the whole time while she explained things to me. She told me to just help her by praying because she had some friends there who can help her when things come to worst. She even told me that the signal in cebu wasn’t stable earlier since it was sinulog that’s why she wasn’t able to reply or message us which was a relief for me. I let her talk to my siblings and we were all crying as we exchanged our messages to one another. This is really the time where I need to be more spiritually strong and pray for my mother’s safety while she was far away from us, doing her best to sustain our needs.

Ps: I don’t have hatred towards my father but knowing all the fuss he was making, I am starting to hate him again.

[romansmironov]

How Do I Stop Yelling – The Definitive Guide

“How do I stop yelling?” is out of the question for me.

When growing up, my parents used to fight a lot. They are good people but yelling is their go-to communication tool. It felt bad back then but one good thing came out of it.

I hate yelling.

Today, I’ll share my best ideas to help you get rid of this habit.

Tip 1: Use better ways to feel significant.

Yelling is all about feeling significant.

Think of an Internet troll who attacks people intentionally to elicit a negative response. They love attention and enjoy seeing others triggered emotionally. Likewise, yelling makes people pay attention to us immediately. We do it to feel heard, which makes us feel significant.

To stop yelling, we need to replace it with a more positive way to feel significant. One example is long conversations. Here’s how you use them:

1. Engage your intimate partner in 1-hour or 2-hour long conversations every day.

2. Let them talk first and listen without interrupting.

3. When they finish, talk yourself.

Here’s what you’ll get from them:

1. You’ll feel heard like never before.

2. You’ll fulfill your need for significance at a new level.

3. A side benefit is that you’ll build a legendary relationship.

Tip 2: Stop yelling to take care of your emotional bank account.

An emotional bank account is Stephen Covey’s metaphor from The 7 Habits of Highly-Effective People. Your “bank account” with another person is how much they trust and support you. Whatever you do concerning that person is either a deposit to, or a withdrawal from, your account with them.

Examples of deposits

· Listening without judgment

· Keeping promises

· Showing integrity

Examples of withdrawals

· Yelling

· Deceiving

· Being judgmental

Consequences of yelling

Every time you yell, you make a huge withdrawal from your account. It’s humiliating and breaks trust, especially if you promised to stop yelling before. After you make a withdrawal by yelling, it’ll take many deposits to compensate for it.

For example, you yell at your spouse and then take them on a date to apologize for yelling. It’s a solid deposit but it might not be enough to compensate for the withdrawal. And wouldn’t a date feel better if it was a clean deposit to your bank account that’s already in great shape?

Tip 3: Stop expecting results from yelling.

Yelling is counterproductive.

Shutting down

For one, it makes the other person shut down. For example, when my parents yell at each other, my mother shuts down and leaves the scene. And then she gives my father the silent treatment—something that he hates.

This is what they get as a result of yelling:

· They don’t solve the problem.

· They both feel bad for several days.

· They both deplete their emotional bank accounts.

Getting defensive

A coaching client told me about her fights with her husband. He would yell at her and she would say mean things to him. Those things had nothing to do with the conversation. She said them because she felt hurt and got defensive. And he got even angrier. Yelling never resolved the argument but only made things worse. Each time it was a withdrawal they both made from their emotional bank accounts.

TIP 4: Stop yelling to prevent stress and disease.

Yelling is a vicious cycle of stress.

You’re prone to yelling when you’re stressed. Suppose, something went wrong at work. You come home stressed and snap at your spouse. And that causes even more stress—for you and now also for them.

Look, we already have enough stress in our lives today. Why multiply it?

A healing practitioner Karina Grant said:

According to the United States Center for Disease Control (CDC), 90% of illness and disease is caused by stress. If 90% of illness is caused by stress then what happens when we remove the stress – we heal.

Think about it: 90% of disease is stress-related.

Ask yourself these questions the next time you want to yell:

1. Do you want to cause stress in your spouse that will lead to disease?

2. Do you want your kid to get sick?

3. Do you want to go to a doctor yourself?

Wouldn’t you rather stop yelling and let everyone be healthy and happy instead?

TIP 5: Reserve yelling for “special occasions.”

My ex-wife yells at our son Denis all the time. It’s her default way of communicating with him. The problem is that Denis got numb to her yelling and it lost its power on him. But someday, she might need to yell at him to prevent a dangerous situation. And he won’t react to it as he should because he’ll think, “Oh well, it’s just Mom yelling again.” So he might get into trouble as a result.

On the contrary, I never yell at him. If I yell at him in that type of situation, he’ll be more likely to respond.

TIP 6: Rewire yourself to stop yelling.

Here’s my best technique for stopping yelling (based on Tony Robbins’ Awaken the Giant Within).

Step 1: Challenge your beliefs about yelling.

A part of you believes yelling is normal and effective. But you also question these beliefs because you see the damage yelling causes.

Keep challenging them:

1. Where will I be in five years if yelling continues?

2. What will it do to my relationships with my spouse and kids?

3. I create stress in my loved ones that will make them sick.

4. By yelling, I make withdrawals from my emotional bank accounts with my loved ones.

Soon enough, your beliefs will change.

Step 2: Set a personal development goal.

The next step is to make stopping yelling a goal.

1. Write it down and give it a deadline.

2. Think of strong reasons why you want to achieve this goal.

3. Review it every day to set in motion your conscious and even unconscious powers.

Step 3: Condition yourself using pain and pleasure.

Finally, use neuro-associative conditioning to rewire your brain. The two forces that guide our behavior are pain and pleasure.

Associate pain with yelling and pleasure with not yelling.

Examples of pain

Each time I yell, I will:

· Send a present to someone I don’t like.

· Do push-ups to muscle failure.

· Bake a cake and take it to a food shelter.

Examples of pleasure

When I catch myself ready to yell and stop it, I will:

1. Listen to my favorite music record reserved for special occasions.

2. Get 30 minutes of a massage chair.

3. Enjoy a day out with my kid doing whatever they want.

Neuro-associative conditioning will engage your emotions. This will help you stop yelling faster than trying to resolve this issue intellectually.

MY BEST TIP: The ultimate answer to “How do I stop yelling?”.

You might realize you have a yelling problem but you procrastinate on dealing with it. Taking action is especially difficult if you lived with this problem for years. But imagine how much more damage you’ll do to yourself and your loved ones if you don’t change. What you might be missing is that you can change immediately.

Tony Robbins said:

It’s not change itself that takes time. It’s getting ready to change that takes time. Change itself occurs in an instant.

So why not leverage our innate ability to change quickly? All it takes is working with a relationship coach.

1. A coach will give you proven techniques to work on your yelling problem. Like the pain and pleasure principle.

2. You’ll feel accountable to your coach and use those techniques.

3. You’ll work harder on them because you’ll want to make the most out of your coaching investment.

A life coach Dave Turpen said:

The Association for Talent Development did research on goal completion. Here’s what they found: By setting up an accountability appointment to monitor progress, the likelihood of accomplishing a goal goes up to 95%.

That said, I don’t know a way to stop yelling that’s easier and more effective than coaching.

__

[emotional-rollercoaster-ride]

first love

Your first love. It doesn’t matter when it happens, how it happens, or who it is with. It will be beautiful and exciting and sweet, and it will make everything in the world feel like it just makes sense. And when it falls apart, it will be devastatingly, soul-crushingly, hard. And it will take time. But eventually--no matter how impossible it may seem - you will heal.

I met my first love at the ripe age of fourteen. We were kids! My mom dropped me off at the mall for our first date, and--despite how much I begged her not to--she got out of the car to meet him. I was mortified. Little did I know that that first date was the beginning of a four-year-long journey. We fell in love freshman year of high school, and we grew up together. We snuck out to see each other when we weren’t supposed to and we tricked our parents into leaving us home alone together. We went to our first parties together, learned to drive, had our first drinks together, lost our virginities together, and grew up together - until we were suddenly adults and it was all over before we even realized it.

We decided, junior year of high school, that we weren’t going to stay together for college. We didn’t want to tarnish the relationship that we had by dragging it out and letting it end miserably. It was the most mature decision I ever made. It allowed us to enjoy the next year and a half that we had together, because we knew that it was all we had. It got rid of all the pressure and tension. We were together because we loved being together, not because we thought we had a future together. It was heartbreaking, but it was perfect.

A year or so later - a week before we went off to our respective colleges - we went on a road trip together. It was the first step of the goodbye. We had the most perfect few days together - trying to wrap up the past four years in a few days seemed like an impossible task, but we somehow accomplished it beautifully. The song that kept playing in my mind was “Slow Dancing in a Burning Room” by John Mayer, because that was exactly what we were doing. We were standing in the middle of the house that we spent four years building, watching it crumble down in flames, but choosing to slow dance right in the middle of it. It was tragic, but it was beautiful.

Saying goodbye to him was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Being so in love with someone and choosing to leave them goes against every natural human instinct. It took every fiber in my being to convince myself that we were doing the right thing.

When we said goodbye, we didn’t really break up. We kept texting. We kept snapchatting. We were convinced that we could stay best friends - how could we possibly cut each other out of our lives? We had been, after all, each other's best friend for four years. This made it so much harder. I texted him when I landed in Boston, I snapchatted him pictures of my newly decorated dorm room, I wore his clothes to sleep. I acted like I missed my boyfriend. Eventually, after suffering through countess fights that two friends should never have, we cut off all communication.  I stopped waiting to see his name pop up on my phone screen - I stopped seeing him in my snapchat recents, my texts, my instagram DMs. When I stopped talking to him, I let myself stop thinking about him. I found friends, I did my school work, I met boys. I let myself be me, and I started to become independent for once.

Because we ended on such good terms, it almost felt like we never broke up. I ended up seeing his friend from high school who I now go to college with, for a while. It was a good temporary rebound, but I knew he would find out eventually. And I knew it would hurt him. I was self sabotaging. I think I needed to prove to myself that the relationship was over - I almost wanted a reason for it to actually be over. And oh boy did that work.

Out of nowhere, I broke down. Months after the breakup, I started crying whenever I thought of him. I distracted myself from the pain of thinking of him for so long, until it caught up with me. It all came back and hit me right smack in the face. Like a truck. I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I would never be able to successfully function as an adult human being without him. But eventually I did. Eventually I moved on. Again.

And then it was time for winter break. I was so ready. I had so much hope for us. I was in such a good headspace. And then it went absolutely horribly. He treated me like shit, and it hurt like hell. My hopes of he and I ever being us again were completely crushed. By the end of winter break, I was so incredibly emotionally drained. It was rock bottom. The good news was that it couldn’t get any worse. What I think is so important is that I hit the hardest part of the process four months after the actual breakup. Four months! If that doesn’t show you that it is truly a process, I don’t know what will.

Over winter break, I was so angry at myself for letting him have any ounce of control over my emotions. All I wanted was to be over him. I was so sick and tired of caring, and I was pissed at myself for it. I read self-help books. I went to therapy. I journalled. I spent time with friends. I talked to my mom. I talked to my dad. I did things by myself, for myself. But I couldn’t stop thinking about him, and I couldn’t stop crying. It seemed like I was failing miserably on all accounts. But eventually, it worked. When I finally decided to cut him out of my life for real and truly let myself move forward with no hope or desire for a future with him, I was able to move on.

And then I met someone. It’s early, and I don’t know if it’s going to become anything real. But I know I like him. I know he is the only person other than him that I have ever had real feelings for. And it feels good. I feel like this time, I have perspective. Don’t get me wrong - it’s terrifying and exciting and intimidating and wonderful all at once to have new feelings for someone, and to be starting a new relationship. I’ve finally become able to let myself move on, and it feels good. But I also still think about him. No matter how over him I am, he’s not disappearing from my mind or my heart anytime soon.

Today, six months after we broke up, I actually feel good. This is the first time I have truly felt this way. I’ve caught myself thinking about him less and less. The other day, I was listening to music and got to the last few seconds of the song before I realized that it was a song that used to remind me of him. What really helped me get to this point was realizing that our relationship wasn’t perfect. There were so many things about him that infuriated me. For some reason, I forgot about those things as soon as we were apart. I let myself long for a version of him that didn’t exist. He is not the perfect man that I built him up to be in my head. He and I are not perfect for each other, no matter how great we ever really were together. Reminding myself of all of the bad really helped me get to a healthier place.

I still think about him. But every once in a while I’ll come across something that really takes me back. But now, it’s different. I don’t get sad, and I don’t miss us like I used to. I’ve finally accepted that our relationship is a part of my past. I still have a hard time saying that he is a part of my past, because we are finally able to be friends now. I do genuinely think he is always going to be in my life in some form. It’s a feeling of nostalgia.

But, I know that this process is far from over. I know that one day I’ll find an old sweatshirt that still smells like him buried in the back of my closet at home. I know I’ll pick it up, smell it, put it on, and instantly be transported back to him and to us. I know I’ll find a letter that he wrote me and remember how good it felt to be loved by him so deeply. I know that when he starts dating someone new and falls in love again, a little part of me will be crushed. If I have learned anything from this, I have learned that this process doesn’t just end.

Your first love is never going to go away. They are always going to be a part of you. But you can move on, you can love someone new, and you can love yourself. Eventually, they’re going to become a memory. Thinking of him makes me remember being in love with him. Of course a part of me still loves him and always will, but I mostly remember what it felt like to be in love with him. It’s a sweet, happy, childhood memory that I know will never disappear. One day, you will look back on the heartbreak and the pain and the love, and you will be thankful for the journey.

Life isn’t simple, and relationships are not linear. People come into your life for a period of time, and then they’ll go away. And losing people is hard, but just because you lose them once doesn’t mean that they are gone forever. There will be some people in your life who you will connect with years later, and people who you will never see again. But even if you never see them again, they will still be a part of you. The impact that people leave on you - especially romantic loves - will stay with you long after the person does. In the end, we only have ourselves. People come into our lives to impact us and make us better versions of ourselves, and that is what he did for me.

[myallmotivationalstuff]

26 Ways To Take Your Life Back When You’re Broken By Heidi Priebe

There’s an old, outdated assumption that time heals all wounds. But I believe this to be untrue. In the words of Dr. Phil, “Time doesn’t change us. It’s what we do with that time that changes us

1. Get In Shape.

Strong bodies and strong minds go hand-in-hand. Forget about how your workout routine is making you look and start focusing on how it makes you feel – on the strength, the dedication and the structure that it brings to your mindset. By harnessing your physical power, you’re reminding yourself that you’re capable of so much more than you used to be. In the words of Jillian Michaels, “Fitness isn’t about a crunch or a push up. It’s about taking your power back.”

2. Get out of town.

Take a day, a week or a month to escape your usual surroundings and welcome in the world outside your doorstep. Sometimes a change in mindset is as simple as a change in scenery – and being away from home allows you the space, the freedom and the tranquility to heal on your own terms.

3. Rewrite your story.

The past is nothing more than a story we repeat to ourselves – and allowing ourselves to understand this is an incredibly liberating notion. Visit a narrative therapist who can help you re-frame your experiences, or journal them out until you’re able to come to a new understanding of why things happened the way they did. Learn to pinpoint the opportunities for growth within the destruction of your past – and then move forward with those opportunities close to your heart.

4. Invite new people into your life.

The positive effect we are able to have on one another as humans is immeasurable. Sometimes the best way to heal from the toxicity of past relationships is to allow the beauty of new ones to flourish. We all end up thinking, behaving and being like the people we spend the most time around – so choose the ones who make you want to be the best possible version of yourself.

5. Tell your story.

Be honest about your past. Share the pain of everything that’s happened to you and allow your strength in moving past it to inspire other people. Don’t hide or downplay anything that feels important to you. Refuse to apologize for where you’ve been.

6. Be disciplined about self-care.

When we’re sick, we take particular care to rest, drink fluids and take medicine – even if it temporarily impedes on our productivity. When we’re struggling emotionally, we have to take care of ourselves in much of the same way. By making self-care a priority, you are setting yourself up for a quicker and infinitely less painful recovery.

7. Change your appearance.

Sometimes we need a deliberate outward change to reflect a subtle internal one. By altering your hair, makeup or style, you’re concretely welcoming change into your life – and recognizing that it can be a good thing. In fact, it can even be something that happens on your own terms.

8. Quit what isn’t working for you.

When the stakes are down and our lives are lying in shambles, we are paradoxically awarded the ideal opportunity to start over. Use your ill fortune as the excuse you’ve been waiting for to walk away from that shitty job, toxic relationship or commitment that is making you miserable. If you’re going to be forced to start over, you might as well do it once, the right way.

9. Give yourself permission to let go.

Not everything that happens to us has to have a meaning or a lesson. If your past no longer serves you, give yourself permission to let go and forget about the pain that has been holding you back. You dictate your story and you don’t have to place emphasis on anything that makes you feel small.

10. Connect with people who’ve been through something similar.

Seek out the words, company and comforts of those who understand what you’re going through. Read their stories, cherish the wisdom they’ve gleaned and use it as a constant, pervasive reminder that you are never alone.

11. Unplug for an entire week.

If you are able to do so, take a full week of your life and spend it outdoors or on the road, somewhere where your Facebook notifications can’t reach you. Sometimes it takes disconnecting from your everyday life to realize how trivial most of your worries are – and how capable you are of existing completely outside of them.

12. Physically de-clutter your life.

Take a full weekend to clean your apartment or home in a way that you never have before – ruthlessly ridding it of everything you no longer use and organizing it in a way that feels mentally refreshing. When our physical environments are in order, it becomes easier to keep our minds uncluttered, too.

13. Strengthen your relationships with the people who love you.

A close friend once told me “There’s no time like when you’re down on your luck to realize who’s really there for you in life.” When everything is falling apart, take notice of who is still standing beside you – those are the people who are always going to matter the most. And there’s no time like the present to appreciate them for all they’re worth.

14. Follow the food guide for a month.

Even the healthiest among us aren’t always putting the right foods into our bodies. So for one month, try to do so. Eat the right amounts of fruits, veggies, grains, dairy and meat (or meat alternatives). Notice changes in your energy level and mindset – and then try it all over again the next month.

15. Take a course that teaches you something new.

What we know changes the landscape of who we are. By adding to your internal database of knowledge, you are expanding your horizons and reminding yourself that there is always more to be learned and always more ways for your worldview to shift.

16. Make a budget and stick to it.

It’s difficult to feel in control of our lives when our finances are out of control. By coming face-to-face with our spending habits, we’re giving ourselves a leg up on conquering them effectively. There’s nothing quite as soothing as figuring out a way to live below your means.

17. Establish a healthy source of validation.

None of us are islands. Though we all strive to be strong, independent adults in our day-to-day lives, we all need love and affection. And finding a friend or loved one who is willing to remind you why you’re wonderful when you forget it just might be what keeps you afloat on the bad days. Validation is not toxic if you’re seeking it in the right places.

18. Become invested in the process of change, not the outcome.

Too often, we pit all of our hopes on future accomplishments that may never come to fruition. Rather than telling yourself ‘I’ll be happy when…’ learn to find joy in the simple process of bettering yourself. Take pride in the fact that you’re making changes for yourself, rather than pitting your happiness on the outcome of those changes.

19. Learn a new language.

Learning a new language may be one of the best available ways to remind yourself that there’s an entire world out there – one that operates on a completely different premise than yours. Committing to learning a non-native language proves that you could adapt and mould to one of those other realities if you wanted to – which consequently makes you feel a little less defeated by yours.

20. Learn to walk away.

Perhaps the single most important step to regaining control over your life comes through learning to walk away from the situations that are holding you back. It takes an incredible amount of bravery to break away from what you’ve known. But it also gives way to an incredible opportunity to start over the way you’ve always wanted to.

21. Let yourself be happier than you are comfortable with.

Too often, we sabotage our own happiness out of a reluctance to trust it. Rather than allowing ourselves to grow into bigger shoes, we declare our feet ‘not big enough’ and retreat. We have to start allowing ourselves to let go of guilt and self-doubt and start seizing opportunities as they arise. Even if we feel a bit out of our league along the way.

22. Set and enforce boundaries.

There will eternally be people out there who are willing to rob you of your joy in exchange for a dose of their toxicity. And one of the most important lessons we may ever have to learn is that we cannot save those people from themselves. We have to learn to set clear boundaries if we don’t want to drown alongside them. Even if it’s someone we love.

23. Cut out a vice for 100 days.

The idea of never drinking, smoking or eating junk food again is an intimidating enough mission for any of us to give up on before we’ve even gotten started. So instead of resolving to cut out one of your vices eternally, try cutting one out for 100 days. It is enough time for you to see the positive effects of what you’ve done, but a short enough time for the end to always be in sight. And who knows – maybe once you realize how great you feel without one of your vices, it will turn into a permanent lifestyle change.

24. Try something that genuinely scares you.

There is nothing that boosts confidence quite like overcoming your fears. Make a deliberate point to take on a challenge that has always scared you when you’re feeling down – though it may seem like ridiculous timing to do so, the strength and sense of self-efficacy that will come from conquering your worries will take you further than you could possibly imagine.

25. Look at how far you have come.

Look back at the person who was once so lost and then look at who you’ve become since then. You may not be all the way to where you’d like to be, but you’re on your way. And you’re a hell of a lot further than you used to be.

26. Forgive others. Forgive the Universe. Forgive yourself.

Don’t allow anger or fear to keep you trapped in a damaging past. Allow yourself the opportunity to forgive those who have hurt you, to forgive the injustices done to you and to forgive yourself for everything you messed up on your path to redemption. Forgive not to relieve other people of accountability, but to finally allow yourself the freedom and space to move on. And to take your damn life back.

https://thoughtcatalog.com

[audrey-a-joy-blog]

PERSONAL NARRATIVE On Suicide, Avoidance, Wisdom This is dedicated to each soul passed on. I wish you an eternal flight in light and love. May we make memories and peace in your name. ——— All day I have remained uncertain about what to write. Over the last hours I’ve gathered personal information to brainstorm. In that vein, I collected pieces of my consciousness onto paper and have dog-eared a few journal entries to refer to in organizing my thoughts. Here is what I own to share with you. I do so knowing that I’ll find increasing confirmation we are more similar than either of us may realize. 1️⃣ I am in gratitude toward Josh Raby for his string of tweets about suicide. That message struck home with me. 2️⃣I will begin with a few facts that may bring this piece of reflection to some order. The facts are a list of things I found while looking through journals today. In my journals I found: 1. Listed and repetitive affirmations. An example of the statements: “I approve of myself.” I wrote that 100 times. 2. Prayer after prayer after prayer after prayer. 3. Schedules. Sheets of paper where I was working to arrange my days down to the details. 4. An in-depth entry about how I was going to cope with my heightened P.T.S.D. symptoms for the day. 5. Statements about taking ownership of my body and heart. Upon listing these it strikes me that the theme underlying them is my attempts to control a world that feels out of control. Which brings us back to suicide. This absolutely horrific and insanely tragic issue is anything but within the grasp of my own control. The number of souls belonging to people I personally know who have passed on to suicide in the past two and a half years averages about one every three months. Then there are those whose lives took place on the peripheral of my direct social circle. Most of them were people I knew by extension of another friend. Those suicides number another stifling amount. Of course I will mention the deaths in Hollywood when speaking of what are the staggering statistics on suicide. It is a subject which I struggle to become emotionally involved in during this very writing. The lie is that it is easier to remain numb to it. There is truth that remaining numb to it coats the underlying pain in an impenetrable layer of distraction. Weighing heavy below the distraction is the knowing of my total human fragility as a being capable of losing the ones I love at any moment. The sneaking, lying, insidious demon of a soul-sickness so permeating that it steals the very being who only wishes to be released from its inane and hellish grip has made its existence so painfully obvious. The description which would do justice to the impact of suicide lay beyond what novels of personal account could begin to provide. This we must face. And I am choosing to do it in my personal essay here. By admitting the desolation this leaves, I get to live with it. When trying to ignore it, my brain seems to take that extra energy to just push the fear away. I’m left more exhausted running than it is worth. I’m standing right with the truth that I’ve personally seen this perverse creature steal from myself and others. We have ALL seen it. It’s shaken your perception of reality. It’s likely come creeping up behind you when you thought you were breathing at last. Like this hell-being does, the chances are you have seen it suck the life from your friends and family’s hearts. The suicides which seem to stack have become a hard space in my soul. I picture them like bricks of granite with each person’s name etched the side. It’s crippling to leave that baggage inside. I will say that I have less chosen to ignore the pain than I have strived to keep living at a pace which quickly moves past any space to grieve properly. My heart is tired. My soul is heavy. My spirit wants to release and to cry. And I’ve mistakenly gone to the ways which I can bare trying to facilitate control. They look like cramming more and more activity into smaller and smaller time frames. Time can’t get me if I stay ahead of her “tick-tock.” Subconsciously I run further and further from her grasp. Picture a human-clock hybrid running after me. I’d be looking back in fear as if it were my own death at stake in her reaching me. The more activity I put into place the more stumbling blocks I put between us. Another thing I do is compulse. I’ll spend money. I’ll try to have enough knowledge to take up all of my brain-space. I’ll create problems. (I’m becoming aware of some of these only as I currently write. They’re unfolding before me. Before us.) These things which I have become accustomed to as part of my natural pace are actually in place not only to numb from suicide. Suicide has provided the platform from which to speak. These things I became accustomed to also allowed me necessary time to be able to cope in reality instead of stuck in the fear of facing my own past. There seems to be an undulating nature to my own healing. At the present moment yet another layer of the proverbial onion is peeling back. It has been incredibly painful. The clock I’ve been running from is no longer playing my games. The distance between us continued to steadily decrease and time has collided with me. Now when I throw obstacles (spend money, create chaos, avoid, etc) my mind doesn’t go along. Maybe this is a blessing. It’s time to look at these things. At times I’ve been very fearful of this meeting with my own reality. This post is lengthy and I seek to wrap it up as concisely as possible while paying respect to my mission of honesty and vulnerability in my creative sharing. I will summarize, for the moment, the remaining loose ends. Likely at a later date I will share my writing about those. At the beginning of this post is a list of 5 things I found in my journals and writings. I see them as the ultimately futile things I’ve done to grasp what seems to be the at times incomprehensible experience to live here. Life seems to be teaching my twenty-four year old self that she has a wisdom I ought to adhere to. She seems to be showing me more about her ways. I pray to be open to that. I’m going to need help. I have an abundant amount of resources for this. We all do. I still struggle. I still feel scared. I’m willing to be my best self. This sharing is dedicated to deepening the conversation among us all. Though we may have our beautiful parts of life to show here on social media, we also all feel life’s myriad sadnesses. I am grateful to be alive today in the midst of these experiences to keep changing. I have so much more to share. We all have so much more to learn about each other. This is in no way a comprehensible picture of my truth. It is a snippet meant to be an imperfect and wholly relatable autobiographical rendition of my present truth. I love you.

[johnhardinsawyer]

Doing What We Do

John Sawyer

Bedford Presbyterian Church

2 / 4 / 18

Mark 1:29-39

 “Doing What We Do”

(The Message of Wholeness)

The news a few weeks ago was bad – really bad.  It rocked an entire region of the country.  I’ll never forget where I was when I got the news, myself.  I was standing in front of a bank of television screens and plastered across multiple channels were the fateful words:  “Tom Brady has injured hand, is ‘unsure’ for game against Jaguars.”  “Oh my,” I said, thinking of all the people I know who root for the Patriots and Tom Brady and Tom Brady’s amazing chiseled chin, “this is not good.”  On the internet, speculation and conspiracy theories abounded about Tom’s injury.  One theory was that he was having plastic surgery to put an additional finger on his hand so that he could wear an additional Super Bowl ring when he hopefully wins it tonight.  We’ll have to see about that. . .  In the big game against the Jaguars, though, in the wake of the bad news about the injured hand, Patriots Nation breathed a collective sigh of relief, when Tom Brady – with his dreamy eyes and his injured hand – went out and did what he does:  he came from behind to win a spot in tonight’s big game.  Now, contrary to what many people might say, Tom Brady is not the second coming of Jesus, but by all accounts, it was miraculous win.

There has been a saying that has cropped up in professional sports over the past few years.  When asked about a big game that is coming up, a player will sometimes say, “We’re just going to go out there and do what we do.”  And after a big victory, that same player will often say, “We just went out there and did what we do.”  They went out and played a good game, made fewer mistakes than the other team, took advantage of some opportunities on the field or the court, and they pulled out a win.  All because they were “doing what they do.” 

Today’s story from the Gospel of Mark is all about how Jesus went out to “do what he had come to do” in the town of Capernaum, on the shore of the Sea of Galilee.  According to Mark, Jesus came to Galilee proclaiming the good news of God, and saying, “The time is fulfilled, the kingdom [empire] of God has come near; repent, and believe in the good news.”  (Mark 1:14-15)  Just prior to today’s story, Jesus was in the synagogue, teaching with authority, with power and conviction, like he knew what he was talking about[1] (because he did).  And after Jesus healed a man with an unclean spirit in the synagogue on the Sabbath day, everyone was amazed, saying, “What is this?  A new teaching – with authority!  He commands even the unclean spirits, and they obey him.” (1:27)

Word spread about Jesus and the people flocked to where he was – which was just steps away from the synagogue, right down the street at Simon Peter’s house.[2]  Today’s story tells us that Peter’s mother-in-law was sick.  It might surprise some of you to find out that Peter – the bumbling fisherman who often made mistakes and said the wrong things – actually had a wife (and the mother-in-law that came with her).  We don’t know much about Peter’s wife, except for a passing reference to her in 1 Corinthians (9:5), which tells us that she was a believer in Jesus and that she accompanied Peter on his travels.  And we don’t know much about Peter’s mother-in-law, except that in today’s story, she was sick in bed with a fever.  Perhaps it was flu season in Galilee.

One commentator writes that people back in Jesus’ day often thought that how sick someone was had to do with how sinful they were, but Jesus didn’t think that way.  “. . . Jesus’ understanding seems compatible with our contemporary understanding of illness as un-wholeness, and of healing as the bringing about of wholeness.”[3]  As the story goes, Peter’s mother-in-law was sick in bed and Jesus “came and took her by the hand and lifted her up.”  (1:31a) In the original language, the word that is used here can also be translated that Jesus “restored her,” like a building would be restored.[4]  Jesus wanted to make her whole again, so he restored her to health. 

The people of Capernaum heard about this and word spread quickly into the surrounding countryside.  They crowded into Peter’s house, causing his newly-restored mother-in-law to get to work in the kitchen in order to be hospitable to everyone. (1:31b) She had probably never had so many houseguests at once.  The whole city was gathered around the house, trying to get in through the door, trying to see into the windows, trying to catch a glimpse of the one who was curing many who were sick with various diseases and casting out many demons. (1:34) They probably stayed there late into the night.

But, the next morning, after bringing wholeness and restoration to all of those people, Jesus did a curious thing – he got up while it was still dark, and went to a deserted place, and there, he prayed.  We do not know what Jesus prayed, exactly.  Bringing wholeness to people in need is a gift, but witnessing the need and pain of other human beings – day-in-day-out – is hard work.  It can take a lot out of you – emotionally, physically, spiritually.  There is often nothing more restorative in times like this than prayer – prayer for guidance and strength, prayer for healing and restoration, prayer for peace and compassion and wholeness.  So, Jesus got up and went out and prayed. 

Meanwhile, back in Capernaum, the people who had all crashed at Peter’s house woke up and discovered that Jesus was gone, and they went out looking for him.  When they found him, they said, “Everyone is searching for you, Jesus.”  (1:37)  How true this was – how true it is – for all of us are searching for Jesus and the peace and wholeness he offers in our own way, whether we know it or not.  The good news is that Jesus freely offers this to all of us and spreads the good news of this gift far and wide.  “Let us go on to the neighboring towns,” Jesus said, “so that I may proclaim the message there also; for that is what I came out to do.”  And so he went throughout Galilee [and did what he had come to do], proclaiming the message in their synagogues and casting out demons. (1:38-39) 

“I’m just going to go out there and do what I do,” Jesus said, proclaiming the message that the time has been fulfilled, the kingdom of God has come near – turn toward God, believe good news, receive the wholeness that only God can give.  Jesus’ message was more than just words –  a message that was spoken with his lips.  The message of Jesus was also embodied in his acts of healing, bringing comfort, restoring bodies and souls.  This is the message of the kingdom of God.  One preacher said that “Jesus didn’t just tell people what the kingdom of God would look like, he showed them.”[5]  When this same story is told in the Gospel of Luke, Jesus says, “I must proclaim the good news of the kingdom of God to the other cities also; for I was sent for this purpose.”  (Luke 4:43) 

We have talked before about the kingdom – the empire – of God, as Jesus defined it, which is different from every human empire and enterprise.  We live in an empire where everyone is striving to be first, but the empire of God is where the last are first and the first are last.  We live in an empire that seems to want division, because it gets better ratings, and, when people are divided, they cannot cooperate to make life better.  But the empire of God is all about wholeness and healing, restoration and reconciliation. We live in an empire where anyone and anything can be bought if there is enough money floating around, but the empire of God is built on grace, which is a gift that cannot be bought or sold or earned. It is a gift that God gives freely.

Jesus came, bringing the good news of this kingdom – a kingdom that turns the tables on every human empire.  And if we would seek to live in this kingdom – right here and now – then it would seem that we, as followers of Jesus, would be people who, in doing what we do, are living according to the expectations and ideals and example set by the One who came bringing healing and wholeness and good news to all who were searching for him.

There are plenty of so-called followers of Jesus who prefer paying tribute to the empires of this world – the empires of money, and human power, and empty influence, and idolatrous nationalism, and soul-selling dishonesty.  But the empire of God stands in stark contrast to all of that stuff.  And if we go out to do what we do, as followers of Jesus, the kingdom of God is found wherever there is healing and wholeness – wherever God’s grace and peace are given to troubled minds and hearts and people and nations. . . the world. . .  

There are so many people who long to be made whole – restored and made as good as new in body, mind, or spirit.  This is something that each and every person has in common, whether they live in a mansion or do not have a place to live, whether they worship in a place like this or would never darken the door of a place like this, whether they are currently in the hospital or are the very picture of health. Wholeness is more than just a physical thing –  it is a wellness that encompasses all of who we are.  And Jesus came to bring this kind of wholeness to each of us and to all the world.  We, who would follow him are called to do the same.

This is good news – news that speaks to a world that is filled with bad news.  There are wars and rumors of wars, seemingly-irreparable damage to the environment, doubt and fear have become weaponized by manipulative people, it would seem that danger is all around. . .  oh, and a few weeks ago, a millionaire quarterback got a cut on his hand.  What on earth are we to do in the face of all of this bad news?

We come to this place and gather at this Table, trusting that in the midst of doing what we do here – remembering Jesus, re-membering the body of Christ – we are made whole and are strengthened to go out to do what we do in Christ’s name.  In the breaking of the bread and the pouring of the cup and the fellowship we share with all who share this feast, we trust in the miracle of Christ’s presence in and with and among us, by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

It is that Spirit who empowers us to do what we do in Christ’s name.  This is good news. . . good news.  May we go out to do what we do, bringing wholeness, following in the footsteps of Jesus. 

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

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[1] Walter Bauer, A Greek-English Lexicon, 2nd Ed. (Chicago:  University of Chicago Press, 1979) 278.

[2] Kristin Romey, “The Search for the Real Jesus.” National Geographic Magazine (December, 2017), 60-61.  I have been to this place and can say that Peter’s house is literally a stone’s throw away from the synagogue in Capernaum.

[3] David L. Bartlett and Barbara Brown Taylor, ed. Feasting on the Word – Year B, Volume 1 (Louisville:  Westminster John Knox Press, 2008) 334 (Pastoral Perspective, PC Enniss).

[4] Walter Bauer, 214.

[5] The Reverend David Hodges, “To Move, To Tocuh, To Heal” – a sermon preached on Day1 (http://day1.org/8129-david_hodges_to_move_to_touch_to_heal).