#i am definitely not in the right space mentally for episode 8

[iggy-hands]

Friends. I'm too scared.

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Under the cut is the full transcript for The British Get Talking Podcast episode on October 8, 2020 with Dan!

[Interviewer:] Hello everyone! I'm Kylie Pentelow and here we are again. This is the second series of the "Britain Get Talking" podcast from ITV where I talk to some amazing people who open up about the mental well being. Today, Dan Howell is a YouTube star. He rose to fame through his comedy videos that have had more than a billion views. More recently, he's opened up on his YouTube channel about depression and his video "Basically I'm Gay" has had eleven million views. Dan is now writing a book about mental health and is an ambassador for YoungMinds. Dan is obviously funny, but he's also clever and sensitive. To me, it seems he's using his huge profile among young people to really make a difference. I loved talking to Dan and I hope you like listening to this podcast too. Dan, thanks so much for speaking to me today! How are you?

[Dan:] I am a big fan of saying "I'm fine." And that is the absolute worst, most British answer to that question that anyone can give. And it's what people say all the time. And, you know, for me, it's definitely- It's something that instantly says way too much. *laughs* Doesn't it? I mean, you can write a whole essay about "I'm fine" as an answer. "Oh, I don't want to inconvenience you. Oh, I don't want to bore you by talking about whatever I'm going through." And that's very me. I accept that one of my flaws is I don't want to put something on the other person. I don't want to start a whole thing that might bore them. I don't want to sound like I'm moaning, so I'll just go, "I'm fine!" And usually the tone in which I say "I'm fine" immediately betrays the fact that I'm- You know, might be clearly very stressed about something. *laughs*

[Interviewer:] Do you think your kind of friends would pick up or people you know would say, "Oh wait, you sure?" or would they delve deeper?

[Dan:] Everybody I know! They just look at me like, "Okay, Dan." *laughs* Cool, okay. So in ten minutes, we'll be talking about how you actually feel. We just need to get through the kind of ice breaking- Cause, you know, I'm that introvert and I'm quite socially awkward so it takes a while to melt the ice to get through to whatever's there.

[Interviewer:] You're hugely successful! You rose to fame with your YouTube videos. They are very funny!

[Dan:] Mhm. *laughs* Thank you!

[Interviewer:] But you have a few small serious ones in there recently. And you've spoken very openly about your depression. What prompted you to do it in the first place?

[Dan:] Yeah, so that was quite a journey. In case anyone doesn't know- Uh, hi, my name is Daniel Howell. *laughs* And as you say, I was mainly known for being somebody who uploaded comedy videos to YouTube. Which I think, Kylie, is something you and I have in common! I'm aware that you have some toes in the YouTube space.

[Interviewer:] Yeah! Oh my goodness. Back in the day, yeah.

[Dan:] Look at us! We got one toe in traditional media and the other in the Internet.

[Interviewer:] I love this. *laughs*

[Dan:] So yeah, these videos- They were something that I started when I was a teenager and they were just kind of comedy videos about everyday things. So I had like rants about how annoying people are at the airport or what it's like going on public transport. And then I'd, you know, move onto talking about things that people were arguing about in TV shows. It was all very funny. It was all very relatable. And as time went on, I started to be a bit more personal with the stories I was telling. I was saying, "You know what? I'm actually going to tell you today about the time I got fired." It was an awful time in my life but usually the things that are really awful are very funny to laugh at. And people liked that because I was sharing something personal. It was intimate. It made it even funnier because it was real and it was awful. You know, comedy is just tragedy and someone saying you're allowed to laugh at it. And it was in 2017- I'd gone through a few years where I really started to think about my own mental health seriously for the first time. Because I had quite an upsetting childhood, as someone who grew up gay. And I had a lot of issues with depression and various things and really had just never thought about it in my life until any point. And it was only when I was in my mid-twenties that for the very first time, I stepped back and I was like, "You know what? I'm feeling like this and this is something. It's not right and I should do something about it. I came to terms with the fact that I really had been struggling with depression for a very long time. And this is something that's obviously- It's quite hard to firstly accept on a personal level and then to tell anyone about: your friends and family. And for me, I was in this strange place because I had this career as this comedian who was known for sharing these things from my life and being very open and having this great relationship with my audience. And yet, it felt like there was this huge, kind of big secret dark cloud in my life that people didn't know about. And it was especially strange for someone who performs on stage and you know, who did jobs like the one I did on Radio One. And it felt like all the time, I was acting very funny. I was acting very happy and really there was this whole other side to me. And I just decided that for several reasons really, I had to get it out there just so people would know this fundamental thing about me so they'd understand a bit more about my story. But also that I felt, even in 2017, there was so much misconception around discussing mental health and what depression is. And so many people out there that felt like they needed to have this conversation held in a public place. So it was absolutely terrifying for me. But I decided to make one of my typical, you know, comedy videos where I tell stories and I talk about my opinions. Except I opened up about my depression and it was an absolutely huge moment in my life. And I remember being terrified when I hit that upload button. And the response I got was just so much more positive and powerful than I could've ever imagined. Not only because people were saying, "This is so much more compelling because it's real and you're being honest. But so many people had never really had depression explained to them? They were like, "I have loved ones that go through this. I have friends and I've seen it and now I understand it more." And so many other people said, "This is me. I was sat watching this." So people were saying, "I've been struggling with this for years and I didn't know how to talk about it to my family." Other people were saying, "I didn't even know this was me. Now I'm seeing it for the first time." And that really- You know, it was a moment that changed my life in my career for sure.

[Interviewer:] The thing I think you do really well in it is explain the difference between feeling sad and feeling depressed. Can you just explain that?

[Dan:] Well, we all feel sad many times. You know, we can watch a Disney movie and feel sad. *laughs* If something sad happens. But depression is when you notice for a long time that things aren't right. If you're not enjoying the things you should be enjoying. If you're having a real struggle just maintaining the basic things you should be doing: getting out of bed, feeding yourself, opening the curtains. If you feel like you've sunken into a hole. If you're not enjoying the things that you're doing. If you just don't have the energy- You don't want to socialize anymore. Then it's not just that you're feeling sad because an event. It may be that you are depressed and this isn't something that may just blow over. It's something that you need to really acknowledge and then do something to fix.

[Interviewer:] You also talk about how it affects things like your diet as well. Like that was quite a surprise to me. Sometimes you might feel like you might not want to eat at all. Sometimes you eat to try to make yourself feel better.

[Dan:] Absolutely. Yeah, some people when they feel depressed, they just can't eat because you know- I mean, cooking's an effort. I'm one of those people that hates cooking. I mean, I love eating. I hate cooking. So yeah. *laughs*

[Interviewer:] I'm with you.

[Dan:] And this was me sometimes. I would just go, "I don't want to cook." And then I would lay in bed all day and I wouldn't eat. And then another day, I would be feeling, you know, so self indulgent, I'd be like, "I'm going to order just the most decadent, gross amount of pizza no human should be able to consume in one sitting." And then do that just to fill the hole inside my soul with carbohydrates. And that may make you feel good for about ten minutes and then when you're digesting it all the next day, you realize that it's actually just another kind of self destructive behavior.

[Interviewer:] You also talk about medication as well, which I think was really brave. Cause even though lots of people might talk about feeling depressed, they don't share that they're talking any medication for it. In fact, the other day, my close friend shared with me that she was taking antidepressants. And I've known her for a decade and she's never told me that. Actually, it was because she's been listening to this podcast, which is great that she felt that she could share that. But do you think that is important to get the whole kind of picture out there?

[Dan:] I think there's a big stigma around taking medication, which is strange as an absolutely huge amount of the population are taking medication for all kinds of things. And antidepressants are very common. And of course we're saying this knowing that anyone listening- You should always consult a professional. Go to your doctor. Speak to them. For some people, medication works. For some people, it doesn't. It's one of many options but it's definitely something that- It can have big effects on how you behave. On how you need to live day to day. And you shouldn't be afraid of telling people that. It doesn't mean that you're broken. *laughs* It means that you're taking a step to try and get help and be better. And it's brave to share that, so I would encourage anyone that feels bad about the fact that they take medication to try to be more casually open about it. Which I appreciate can be really difficult because it just has this knock on effect of making everyone less ashamed.

[Interviewer:] What was that, kind of, first step like for you? Was it speaking to your family? Or was it going to the doctor when you sought professional help?

[Dan:] Well, the first time I sought professional help I think was when I was at University. I was going through a really hard- Kind of quarter life crisis time where I was thinking, "Oh, what am I doing with my life? Why am I enjoying what I'm doing?" And I just realized that I wasn't functioning on a day to day level. *laughs* And I spoke to one of the counselors at University and this was a positive experience. You know, sometimes if people talk about their mental health at their work place or their University, you hear these horror stories. I had one of those good examples where there was this lovely lady and she said, "It sounds like you have depression and if you need to take some time out of school to do that, then that's the right thing to do." And then I went to the doctor and then you know, we spoke and he said, "Yes, it sounds like this." And that was the first time I acknowledged it. And the first time for the few years, I kind of acknowledged it but I didn't actively work on it that much. And as I said, it was a few years later, when I was in my mid-twenties, when I was like, "No. If this is my normal, this isn't right. And it's something I need to make an effort to pull myself out of."

[Interviewer:] You are writing a book at the moment about this, aren't you? I wonder how that's been because sometimes, it's great, isn't it? To talk about stuff and other times, you actually just wanna be a bit quiet and deal with things, you know, in your own way. But I wonder whether a book has kind of open more things up for you.

[Dan:] Yeah, I mean, you know- Talk about coming out of the closet. Which is something I also literally did. *laughs*

[Interviewer:] We'll talk about that in a sec. *laughs*

[Dan:] Yeah, so the book is called "You Will Get Through This Night" and it is coming out in May next year. So it's only around preorder now, but people can find it on Amazon if they're interested. And it's quite wild for someone like me to write it. The book is a hand book. It's a tool for people to understand their mental health and to make changes to their improve their lives. And the idea behind it is that we are all kind of in this state where as humans in our modern society, there's various things that we feel ashamed to talk about. There's a stigma approaching various things. If we do certain things, we're viewed as weak. We don't want to admit certain things to ourselves and this is about breaking down all of those things and going, "Actually, all of these behaviors that so many of us do day to day are self destructive. These attitudes we have towards these certain things are totally wrong. We need to change the way we think about these things. We need to forgive ourselves slightly more. We need to be more patient." And also just understanding how all the things you do on a day to day basis affect your mental health. Sleep, exercise, socializing. Every single time you have a thought, you need to check that thought and go, "Am I being completely unreasonable and putting myself in a position where I'm going to have a crazy amount of stress or if I'm going to make myself really anxious." And the hope is that with this book, a lot of people will realize, "Oh my god, I do all of these things day to day and I had no idea what profound effect all of these things had on my life." I'm spicing it up slightly by obviously sharing my personal journey- *laughs* With all of these things and as you say- That is quite, uh, a strange experience for me because I- It's obviously been extremely helpful. I mean, it's been blowing my mind just writing this book. The whole thing done in consultation with a qualified psychologist, so obviously I know what I'm talking about when I'm giving this advice. And when I was reading all of the theory for me to turn into this book, I was just sat there myself- *laughs* As I would hope people would be when they read it thinking, "Oh my god, I'm awful! I need to give myself a break. We do all of these things all the time? And I'm making myself feel like this for no reason? That's crazy!" And came to saying, "Right, on this topic, I'm going to share with you what my journey has been dealing with this. Here's my stories about it. It's been simultaneously quite cathartic and to be honest, quite difficult revisiting a lot of these things. Especially if you go through things when you're younger or if you feel that there's certain things that you've moved past from. Then it can be quite upsetting to revisit these things and whilst initially, it was quite a jump to get into that, it definitely makes you realize that confronting things with a clear head, with the best of intentions and some honesty looking at yourself- It really makes you feel a lot better on the other side.

[Interviewer:] How do you cope with doing what you do because the industry you've chosen to work in- Not only like putting yourself out there on YouTube, but also saying, "I'm funny. Look at me, I'm going to make you laugh." You know, that must put a lot of pressure on you. But also, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing it can sometimes it can be a bit solitary as well? How do you deal with all of that going on?

[Dan:] Oh god, yeah. I picked as a complete introvert with crippling social anxiety and mild agoraphobia- I picked the absolute worst career possible. *laughs*

[Interviewer:] Yeah!

[Dan:] But maybe, that's why the material is so honest. *laughs* You know? That's why I have so much to work with. I think that, you know, there is an element of being forced to confront your demons that probably helps accelerate my internal growth process. And especially from the comedy perspective, there is a fine line between saying, "I'm going to open myself up for people to laugh at my stories and kind of appreciating that I need to save a bit vulnerability." And it- You know, it was crazy. I made a video called "Trying To Live My Truth" about the concept of authenticity and how in life, if generally, if we aren't being authentic- And this isn't just doing a career that we love. It may be being honest in the relationships that we have day to day in really being true to ourselves about what we want to be doing, where we want to be. If you kind of lie to yourself and go, "Oh, I'm just going to do this for a bit to do here. I'm only having a relationship with these people for now." Eventually, it'll get to you and it will wear you down. That was a really hard thing for me to talk about because I was saying, "There's so many aspects of my life where right now, I feel like I'm not being authentic and I'm realizing it's really taking a toll of me. So some people may have to appreciate that I'm going to have to tell them things and I may not be the person that they thought I was but this is something that I have to do if I need to be happier."

[Interviewer:] We talked earlier about how, you know, you've done some more serious videos. But actually, even your video about depression is really funny. And obviously it's really great to be talking about mental health but we need to not be too worthy about it, don't we? And just- I was watching that video feeling really connected to what you were saying and then a second later, I was laughing out loud and actually, it reminded me a bit of "After Life"- Ricky Gervais' show. I don't know if you watch that but.

[Dan:] *laughs* Yeah, definitely.

[Interviewer:] It's that very fine line that- You know, in one of his scenes, I remember when he was talking to his dad that I was crying and then literally the next second, I was laughing out loud. And I just felt- That's such a positive thing that you do and is that a real conscious thing that you do?

[Dan:] I mean, my default is to always kind of break the tension by making people laugh. And there's a side to that like, "Okay, we can laugh about it but eventually we're going to have to be a bit serious." So you need a bit of both but I think especially when talking about these difficult topics, just making it funny- It breaks that ice. And often by pointing out the silly things that happen as a result of these things, you know, I've been making fun of the fact that I'm depressed all day and my friend's just like pouring popcorn all over my head. Like, "Come on! Enjoy the things that you used to enjoy." It's like okay, that's really silly. That's really goofy. And it's like- But it kind of is silly, you know? And then me kind of taking a step back and realizing, "Yeah, me lounging around in bed all day. Yeah me being afraid to go outside for this reason or that." There are little things that are relatable. They're just a bit silly. And when you can laugh at that- I mean, just laughing or smiling once. We can talk about the health of people with depression. Sometimes putting on a bit of comedy and watching something can really save the day. So I think that there's a real benefit to even the most difficult topics, finding something to make people laugh. It makes it easier.

[Interviewer:] Let's talk about your video that's- I don't know how many millions of views it's got. "Basically I'm Gay." Tell me about that video and why that was important to make.

[Dan:] So that was essentially a coming out video. I mean, I would say it was the biggest moment of my life in a lot of ways. Because I've had a real struggle with sexuality my entire life. I think I've known, on some level, that I was some kind of gay since I was a small child. And I had an incredibly difficult time in school with bullying. I had difficult relationships with some of my family members and it was honestly- It was quite traumatic and I never really realized it because I got used to that state of just accepting that this is the way things are and getting on with it to survive. Kind of very extreme version of the British stiff upper lip to get -on with it. And it was only really when I reached kind of 27/28 when I was like, "Oh my god. No, this is awful! *laughs* I've got so much baggage. I've got a heathrow carousel in my cupboard over here." It was terrible. And I ran away from this entire subject of sexuality because it was just difficult. And there was so much wrapped up in it. And for any courage that it took me for me to talk about mental health or even just, you know, terrible things that happened to me that may be embarrassing when I'm on stage in a little routine or something. For me to not just talk publicly about my sexuality and everything that went into it but just to accept it myself was a huge journey. And you know, it's called internalized homophobia and it's basically from growing up in such a homophobic environment. I was brainwashed, really, to kind of hate myself and not accept the fact of who I was. And this was such a huge part of my mental health-  My entire life. To the point where I only acknowledge it truly a few months before I made that video. I think when I was talking about that authenticity thing, I was just like, "I'm a sham." I was on a world tour with my friend. We did a stage show and went to eighteen countries. Think we met about fifty thousand people at these little meet and greets before the shows. And so many people would come up to me and they would be so honest. Some people would cry and they'd just say, "You opening up about depression gave me the strength to turn my life around." Or, "You talking about athenticity made me quit my job." There were other people that said, "I want to come out to my parents just because you talked about being authentic and about your mental health and these things." And I felt like a complete fraud because here I was- I was supposed to be this guy who made the funny videos but at the same time, I was talking about these topics and I was being open about myself. And I was just like, "The hugest thing is still completely hidden and it's something that I know I'm hiding from myself." And I just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. So I uploaded this video saying, "I really just need to think about how I can be more authentic because I felt like I've hit this road block in my life where I just can't continue. I've done it for too long. I've put it off and I just feel like in every aspect of my life, I've hit that wall. And until I break through it, I just can't do anything." And I basically disappeared from the Internet for about a year. And in that year, it was a complete journey where I said, I needed to acknowledge it for myself. I realized if I ever wanted to talk about this publicly, there's so many things I need to do. I need to come out to my family. I need to tell friends. I need to think about how it's going to affect my work life and I really just went on this complete crash course of a life wrecking in the start of 2019. *laughs* And it was a huge journey. As I said, I'm this huge socially awkward person so the idea of coming out to my family. Oh, I just couldn't do it. It was just awful. I remember it was Boxing Day 2018 and all my family were just sat watching "Chicken Run" or something. And I was like, "I'm gonna do it. I have to do it at some point, you know? I have to tell the family." And it's this awful thing coming out- It's like nobody wants it to be a big deal. *laughs* It's just because that we live in this world where people are presumed to be straight, it's not like gay people want to cause a big scene by coming out. They have to. Because no matter what, when you tell somebody, it's going to be a big surprise usually. So I'm the last person that wanted to make it all about me. God, I just want to blend into the background. I was thinking, "I'm going to have to completely blow up this Christmas." And I couldn't do it. So I thought that was the perfect opportunity and it's gone now. My family- For about two months, I was just like, "Aw, I ruined it.  I ruined it. That was my one chance."

[Interviewer:] Oh gosh, that must have been so stressful! You're just carrying that around.

[Dan:] Oh, it was awful! Yeah and then I went for dinner with my mum. And I was like, "Okay, intimate. I'll do this." And then again, I was like, "I don't want to ruin my mum's birthday by making it all about me." *laughs* Then I left having failed to do it then and I went, "Right, this is getting stupid now." So you know what I did? I wrote an email to all of my family. Just CC'd them on an email and just said, "Hi. Basically I'm gay. Let me know if you want to talk about it. Bye!" And I just hit send and closed my laptop. That is very much- That is the Dan Howell strategy of throwing the hand grenade, closing the door, and going, "Whoops!" And then I got the phone calls and you know, thankfully I think that we're living in a much more kinder, accepting world than we did twenty years ago. I think that we can see when it comes to all kinds of things- The world is getting a lot more smarter and educated and just accepting and more kind. So the reception that I got from my family in 2019 was very kind and loving accepting. And it was really kind of wonderful. It felt like this huge, colossal weight had been lifted from me where I felt like there was this wall between me and my family my entire life, where there was just something that was unsaid. Something that would've explained so much. A fundamental part of who I was. It was so important to get that out there. And as you said earlier, just you know, as someone that as a public figure. As an entertainer who talks about myself for my career, getting this out there? I don't know. It was just absolutely profound so I spent months and months writing this video. And for people that don't know, you'd expect a YouTube video to be a twenty second video of a cat falling down the stairs or something. I ended up putting this forty five minute- *laughs* It was basically a stand up special that I filmed in my office. It was dense. I was like, "Look, if I'm going to talk about sexuality, I've got say strap yourselves in people." And yeah, the moment I hit go on that, it transformed my entire life. It was really just this feeling of this pressure lifting all around me and it felt like age 28, that I finally alive for the first time. And my life had only just begun. Because only now was I actually out there. People knew who I was and I could kind of begin living authentically in world where people actually knew who I was. And that's crazy.

[Interviewer:] Do you wished you'd done it earlier or do you think it was the right time?

[Dan:] *sighs* I do wish I did it earlier. What I would say to anybody- You may be somebody queer in the closet thinking about doing this or you may just be someone who wants to open up to your loved ones about the fact that you may be depressed. Or you just want to be honest about the things in your life saying, "You know what? I really hate my job and it's ruining my life." Or something about the relationships in the life or the friendships. They're just not working. You cannot sit on these things forever. Confronting them an be so difficult. I mean, look at me. I basically went into a cave for a year- *laughs* And had the most socially awkward time ever dealing with it. And it was so difficult but I cannot tell you how free it felt afterwards. So that's definitely something I want everybody listening to this to take away.

[Interviewer:] Did you look at the comments on the video? And if you did, what were they like?

[Dan:] Yeah. I mean, I try not to- *laughs* You know, see what people are saying about me too much but I did. It was all very nice and as I say, you know, I wish I would've done it earlier in my life but I don't think I could've done it earlier in my life. And I didn't. And that was for a reason. I just couldn't have. I just wasn't in the place to. I did it when I did and thankfully we're in a world now that's so much better. And my audience that I have is so kind and loving and accepting. Because you know, I cultivated a following of people that liked me being open about mental health and sharing the most awkward, stupid stories from my life. So when I shared the biggest thing, what was there waiting for me was a community of people that were there to be supportive. And that was just- You know, I feel so lucky that I had that really positive experience. So just like the depression video, people were saying, "I feel seen by this." Or, "I now finally understand what it's like for gay people in a way that I didn't before. I can talk to my mum. I can show my mum this. I'm straight and I had no idea. This is amazing." And just to see that a byproduct of me being honest about myself managed to help people- It really, you know, it helps! *laughs* Cause it's safe to say that I've struggled a lot. I'm someone that is very, very good at beating myself up. I don't ever taking a win. People always say that about me. If something goes very well, they'll be like, "How'd it go Dan?" And I was like, "Yeah, yeah. It was alright." "What do you mean? It went great?" And I was like, "Yeah, yeah! It's fine." *laughs* So yeah definitely, I feel very lucky it's gone as well as it did.

[Interviewer:] You're an ambassador for YoungMinds as well and you know, you're obviously speaking out, "Hey!" And for your YouTube videos. Do you think there is still a stigma particularly attached to young people and mental health?

[Dan:] I think that definitely young people- When you get into teenage years, everyone's very defensive and they're very aggressive. And I think that a lot of people go into- Especially the school environment feeling scared. They don't want to be judged by other people. They don't want to seem weak. They're proactively feeling scared and defensive and aggressive to protect themselves from being harmed by people cause you're just so scared. So definitely. People don't want to admit that they have anxiety. I think that young queer people might not feel like you know, "I can't do this now. It's not worth the risk." And I think that the YoungMinds charity, which is part of the Royal Foundation that Harry and Will support, does such amazing jobs cause they not only create material to help young people understand, "If you're feeling like this, you might have anxiety. That's not normal. And here's how to help." But they also reach out to parents to say, "This is how you can observe these things that may be happening in your family and realize it may be silent. It may not be talking about it. It may be this huge issue happening right in front of you." And as well, they're helping the schools cause I think it's definitely safe to say that schools could do it a lot better in protecting mental health of the young people that go to them. So it's definitely one of the off shoots of me opening up about depression. Being apart of this amazing charity that does such great work. It helps me sleep at night.

[Interviewer:] And we'll hear, um, about an appeal actually to raise money for mental health including Mind and YoungMinds in a minute. It's so important, isn't it? That they exist. That they're even out there for us.

[Dan:] It's a lifeline for people because I think that anyone who struggled with any mental health issue listening to this would know that that one conversation- That first conversation. First olive branch that you get reaching out to you. That could be what saves your life. So it may feel like, "Oh, we've talked about this enough. Doesn't everyone know about mental health right now?" And there may be someone listening to this that's going, "You know what? That's me. I've got that thing that I haven't shared yet. I need to have that conversation. I need to have that one moment where someone listens to me, acknowledges how I feel." And definitely, it's just such a huge part of everyone's life. And it's completely silent. There's still so much more to do.

[Interviewer:] I hate this word, Dan, but I'm gonna say it. It sounds like you've been on a real journey. *laughs* I can't think of a better word.

[Dan:] *laughs* Oh no. I've been full hobbit there and back again, yeah. It's been a real around the world adventure. And you can watch it all on the internet, god.

[Interviewer:] I wonder if you could talk about kind of just the lowest point but then the kind of real highs. Cause then, at the moment, it sounds like you're in a really good place.

[Dan:] I mean, I'm definitely in a better place. I think that none of us should ever feel like we've solved all our issues and we're fine. You know, that was me, age 22. I was like, "Cool! Apparently I've got depression. That's fine. I know what to do it." It's like no, you need to- You need to make an effort. You need to really think about all the things in your life. You need to talk to a doctor. I think that, you know, for me- My lowest point was definitely when I was teenager. There was a point where I actually tried to take my own life because the struggles that I had with my sexuality were just so extreme within my friend group and school and everything that I was hearing from the world. I just really felt like, "I'm broken. This is not right." I looked at the world around me and I thought, "There's nowhere to go. There's nowhere else. I know everything." So it was that impulse impulse is what I think people in this situation feel. Where they just think, "This isn't about anyone and this isn't a rational decision, but I just feel like there's nowhere to go. And I need to hit the escape hatch." And I was so wrong because as I got older and time progressed, I just realized that the world is so big. And even if you feel like you're trapped in a situation, time can change everything. And if I just knew how much the world would change. How much my life would change. Not just with my career, but just moving to a different city. Meeting new people. I wasn't stuck. There was nothing like that and that was definitely the lowest point. And I feel so glad that I managed to make through that time. And the fact that you know, I made it through all these years and- *laughs* This journey that I went on. Kind of very publicly. Going from like- I think I even made a YouTube video just before I got a job at Radio One saying, "I'm going to drop out of Law School to try to make it as an entertainer." And everyone at the time was like, "You're an idiot. What are you doing? What?!" *laughs* Cause this before anyone had a career on the internet, you know? They were like, "Okay,so the BBC wants to give you this job. That's kind of cool. But are you sure you don't want to be a lawyer? That seems cool." My granddad was not happy.

[Interviewer:] I'm bet. *laughs*

[Dan:] You can see this whole journey and you know, from doing everything I did with Radio One to writing a book and to end up in a position where me just going on the journey that I need to go on personally ends up being shared with the world- That can do something for other people is just a bonus that makes me feel just really happy. Not just personally, but for the state that the world is in.

[Interviewer:] Aw Dan, it's been so nice chatting to you today. Thank you so much for your time.

[Dan:] It's been really nice. It's been like a therapy session. It's very cathartic! [Interviewer:] That's good! I'm for me. Great! Dan, thanks so much.

[Dan:] Thank you very much. Have a nice day, everyone.

[marveldc-imagines-hub]

Subtitles: Episode 8, Previously On

Subtitles Masterlist

Summary: As they seek out Vision a Westview that doesn’t seem to want them to find him, more memories from [Y/N]’s past begin to appear. They almost seem drawn out of the dark depths of their mind by some unseen force but it’s hard to tell whether it’s friend or foe. Who is forcing [Y/N]’s memories to the forefront of their mind--Wanda or someone else?--and is it tied to the suddenly hostile Westview blocking them from finding Vision? Who is trying to keep them distracted?

Word count: 6,584

Warnings: Cursing, descriptions of death and declining mental health. Mostly angst, tbh.

Tag list: @madamevirgo @ravennight41 @multifandomgirl16 @cyanide-mustard @badasspolygenderfriend @austynparksandpizza @sophster1881 @haileyybird​ @maceidelic​ @alexpress @angelvinella

Ko-Fi Shoppe

~~~

You were too busy trying to calm the anxious gnawing in your stomach to notice Westview subtly changing around you. It wasn’t until a vine wrapped tightly around your ankle and made you almost trip and fall face-first into a fire hydrant that you looked around with a frown.

    The vine itself—thick, spiky, and definitely not native to the suburbs of New Jersey—had sprouted from cracks in the sidewalk, which spread and opened further as other vines crept after it. After tearing the one holding you off and stepping out of its reach, you noticed the fences of houses reaching far past their yards to create maze-like paths that covered the sidewalks and street ahead of you. The houses that these fences belonged to were also warped in a way that made them look like you were viewing them through funhouse mirrors, stretching far into the sky and bending overhead in your direction like they meant to block you from leaving in that direction—or meant to block you from being seen by anyone flying overhead.

    Your eyebrows arched so far up on your forehead that you weren’t sure that they were still there. “What the fuck is going on?”

    You weren’t as concerned about the magic happening itself—if some random civilian walked by, they’d barely react at all and the maze and houses weren’t causing any actual damage, just being incredibly annoying—as you were by the fact that you couldn’t tell who was doing it. Your first thought was Wanda, naturally, but it made no sense that she’d be trying to keep you from finding Vision when she was the one who’d originally sent you to go get him; not to mention that she’s never created such a bizarre display of magic, at least intentionally. You considered yourself next, as you’ve known yourself to cause random transmutations when you get too antsy, but this wasn’t the type of power that you controlled and when you tried to reach out to interact with the energy, you received opposition instead of energy bending to your will. It was somewhat difficult to pick out because it seemed to hide away under the blanket of Wanda’s magic that reached across everything in Westview, but the aura of the twisted architecture surrounding you was dark and hostile.

    You first attempted to humor whatever magic was at play and made your way through the maze but as you did so, the fences shifted around you to extend their white picket prison. You stopped and sighed. “The end is nigh… and I am not going to spend it dealing with this shit.”

    A little voice in the back of your head told you that you could probably set fire to the whole magic mirror setup and be done with it but you ultimately decided against it; Wanda would probably find out and definitely wouldn’t be happy when she did. Instead, you placed your hands on the fence and as you did so, posts morphed into gates that you could easily pass through. You continued through the maze via this method and were surprised to feel the opposing magic back away from you after your pushback.

    “Oh, thank god,” you grumbled under your breath as you made it through the last of the maze. 

Unfortunately, you celebrated too early as the cement underneath your feet suddenly began to melt back into its liquid form. It would have been fairly easy to use your powers to reharden the cement but exhausting yourself fighting with the opposing force until the sidewalks of Westview shifted into grassy fields on its outskirts seemed like a bad idea in the long run, especially with the twins’ disappearance, Wanda dealing with Agnes’s strange behavior, Monica’s return, and the warning churn of your stomach telling you to stay alert. So, you settled for trudging along through wet cement until the magic decided to back off again.

Not so much trying to cause damage as it’s trying to mildly inconvenience me, is it? you thought.

Just as before, once the magic trying to keep you distracted was rivaled by your own, it receded and you were soon walking on the regular, hard sidewalk once more. You cleaned your pants and shoes up by turning the wet cement still clinging to them into something much more manageable—water—and continued on your way. Sorting through the mix of concern, nips of mild hunger, and the energy-seeking compass in the center of your now twisting in every which direction, you managed to eventually focus back into the feeling of Vision somewhere in the distance. It got stronger as you walked, so you began to pick up the pace.

Then your unseen opponent returned, stronger and now in the mental realm instead of the physical. At first, you thought the kickback was just Westview’s borders—the Hex, Monica had called it—trying to right the wrongs of someone within it having memories of the outside world, something you’d experienced before. However, you felt the menace rippling underneath the surface of the haze and when you tried to fight back this time, you were met with an angry strength. The fog making your head feel heavy seemed to spread through your bloodstream and take home in your bones, weighing your body down until you stood still and lame in the middle of a random neighborhood. You were a prisoner in your own body; you couldn’t move even if you wanted to, but you didn’t even know if you did because your brain was so full of dark storm clouds that you couldn’t think straight. You knew that you stared slack-jawed into space but it felt more like you were sitting in a dark room inside your skull and watching the outside world from a TV screen. As you watched on, the fog that took over your mind and body took your eyesight too.

===

===

===

The first few memories were fleeting. 

You were a few years old and holding your mother’s hand. It was much less boney and knotted than you remembered your mother’s hand being, as was the rest of her. She was younger and stronger, standing next to you in a worn nurse uniform and overcoat and staring ahead with a scowl, concealing whatever emotions she was feeling otherwise. You were in a bedroom that was only vaguely familiar to you and the two of you watched an old man that was barely more than a skeleton slept under a heap of fraying blankets. As you stared on through the wide eyes of your child self, your grandfather heaved a final breath before falling into a deep, eternal slumber.

A couple of years older, you were in the old but cozy, sunny yellow kitchen that your mom love to cook in. You sat at the dining room table, kicking your legs and picking at the splitting wood as your mother and a stranger argued in the other room. You had never heard your mother raise her voice to such an extent before but at the time, you were much more concerned about what kind of sandwich you were going to help her make for lunch. You never saw the stranger aside from a flash of [H/C] as he left and he was never seen or heard of again.

You were still in the kitchen but its appearance had changed ever so slightly. Yours did too, as you were a teenager now, and now your mother sat across from you at the table. Though she was still healthy now, her overall haggard appearance would be one that she carried on for years to come. She was telling you about her doctor’s appointment but you were only somewhat listening as you were stressed about high school drama and final assignments to be turned in before summer break. You heard words like “dementia” and “Alzheimer’s” but the meanings were lost on you in that moment.

Then you were in a nursing home. You could feel the harsh lighting, hear the TV from the lounge behind you. The smell of cleaning supplies burned your nostrils but the smell of your mother’s stale perfume soothed it. Unfortunately, nothing could soothe the ache that made your heart feel like it was going to shrivel up and die when you came to tell her that you changed your major in college so you would be better equipped to help her, only for her unable to recall having a child at all.

You were pinned against a wall in a Sokovian HYDRA base, although you didn’t know the organization that you were studying with was HYDRA at the time. Shivers of equal parts fear and exhilaration made your entire body quiver and the clipboard you’d been holding clattered to the ground. While a large group of Sokovian war protestors had to hunch together to fit in the cramped and cold holding room, Wanda seemed to take up the majority of the space just from her spot of holding you into place. Her hair was a mess and her face and clothes were dirty but her eyes were full of more life than you’d experienced during your entire time working in the base. She was angry and determined and powerful and gorgeous, and she told you that if you ever ran into her again that she’d kill you—and you were surprised with how okay you were about the idea, as long as you got to see her again. When she let you go and you apologized, she told you what she and the others were doing here; this was the catalyst that sent you investigating into HYDRA and finding out about their much more sinister nature, as well as the pain you’d helped cause.

Finally, the slide show of memories slowed and instead of being confined to your brain, you were back in your own body—or so you thought until you looked around and found yourself staring at a younger copy of yourself. Instead of Westview, you were in a HYDRA testing room, and instead of simply re-experiencing, you were quite literally watching a memory unfold around you as if you were an unwanted audience member standing around the active set of a TV show. Or a ghost, you decided, as the younger you walked through you as if you were nothing but air.

Your younger self was dressed in an all-black work uniform and lab attire, with an identification card clipped to your chest that granted you high-level clearance. You’d worked immensely hard playing HYDRA’s game to get to where you were now, which was standing in the control room with two other agents and preparing to analyze the test about to unfold on the other side of a large glass window. In the test chamber, a door slowly slid open and Wanda, unkempt and spacey, entered.

You wanted to break her out. Judging by the way your younger self tensed up—not enough to be noticed by your superiors; you’d mastered your mother’s emotional lockdown of a scowl at this point—your feelings weren’t far off from the initial experience. 

Wanda made her way farther into the room, closer to a scepter with a glowing blue stone that was being held on a pedestal. As she did so, the younger you readied their clipboard and pen to take notes and one of the two agents spoke, “For our notes, Miss Maximoff, can you please state your name and confirm your status?”

The younger copy of your current partner did as she was told. “Wanda Maximoff. Volunteer.”

“Begin experimentation,” the other agent—a doctor and one of your immediate superiors—stated.

“Doctor,” the first man said, “with respect, not one subject has survived direct contac—”

He was broken off as the doctor flicked on the intercom to speak to Wanda again. “Touch the sample.”

Wanda made her way forward but before she could do much, the stone suspended in the scepter—the mind stone, you knew now—detached itself and floated towards her. As it got closer, its glow grew brighter and bright blue magic wafted over Wanda as she stared before reaching out to touch it. While you remembered this situation thus far, what happened next was completely new to you. The mind stone shattered before Wanda’s eyes, revealing yellow golden yellow magic that poured from the remains. There was an explosion of light and within it was a flash of a shadow. From where you were standing, you couldn’t quite make out the shape.

Then the light died and Wanda collapsed, and the rest of the memory ran as you remembered. The scientist and doctor ran out to check that Wanda was still alive, while your younger self recollected themselves enough to take pictures of notes and research reports from the control desk with an old school digital camera that they’d managed to sneak in.

“Well,” a familiar, incredibly out-of-place voice sounded from behind you, “that’s a surprise. I had no idea you and [Y/N] went so far back.”

You spun around to see Agnes and a modern Wanda standing just behind you. Agnes watched your echo with mild curiosity as they carefully rifled through the control desk and gathered as much information as they could to examine at a later time. The dark energy that radiated off the woman was the same that you’d sensed earlier, hiding just underneath Wanda’s own. Being this close to the unhidden source now, the magic felt sharp and acidic and tasted like bile on the back of your tongue. The anxiety that had been gnawing at your stomach increased tenfold as your guts twisted around themselves. It had been Agnes all along.

Past you finished their investigation as they were called in to take Wanda to solitary by one of the other HYDRA agents. When they rushed out of the control room, they passed through Wanda and Agnes, confirming that the women were in a similar state of being to you.

Surprisingly, Agnes was completely unaware of current you’s presence. She walked casually over to the desk and attempted to make sense of younger you’s rummaging before making a face and shrugging.

Wanda, on the other hand, was staring directly at you. To anyone else, it could be said that she was simply looking through you who the commotion happening in the test chamber, but when you met her gaze, the slightest of jaw clenches told you otherwise. While it was Agnes—Not Agnes, a ghost of a whisper in sounded in your head—whose magic had been toying with you, it seemed that it was Wanda’s doing, at least to some extent, that brought you to watch this scene with them. 

“You know,” the ravenette said, “I really did like them for a while. They were fun to string along for entertainment, and they were a hoot at events and to run errands with. Such an awkward little thing. I could see their crush from a mile away whenever you three were around each other. I just thought they’d be the out-of-place, pining neighbor whose love was unrequited, a comedic plot device of sorts. I didn’t think you would actually return their feelings, let alone both you and your husband, you naughty dogs. I should have known sooner that something was up.”

You and me both, sister, you thought with a soundless snort.

“Oh well,” Agnes—question mark?—said with another shrug, “our friendship was fun while it lasted. Let me know if you ever get bored with them. We did often flirt a bit, [Y/N] and I.”

“What do they have to do with any of this?” Wanda asked, throwing a mild glower in the other woman’s direction.

“Why don’t you tell me?” Agnes responded with a sickly sweet smile, then walked past Wanda and out of the testing room. “Come along, dear! We’ve got much more digging to do.”

Wanda glanced at you one last time before following. After a moment, you trailed after them.

===

===

===

Past Wanda was sitting and watching sitcoms via the one amenity she had the dungeon-like room she was held in when your past self walked in.

“Wanda,” past you gasped and moved to rush to her side before freezing and throwing a glance towards a security camera in one corner of the room. The faintest blue-black light danced appeared to dance around your echo’s fingers as the lens of the camera warped and changed into a round silver disc, then the light disappeared and you watched yourself hurry to younger Wanda’s side. 

She didn’t acknowledge you until you placed a gentle hand on her back. She jumped a bit and turned her glassy-eyed, hollow-cheeked face towards you; in the same instant, the TV turned off. 

Past Wanda offered past you a wobbly smile that you returned. You reached into your pocket and pulled out a candy wrapped in colored foil that looked neon in comparison to the dull coloring of the rest of the environment.

“Hey, look, Wanda,” you tried, offering the candy to her, “I brought you something. Remember these? You told me once that they’re your favorite.”

Wanda stared blankly at your gift. After a moment, she took it and began picking at the foil.

Past you gave past Wanda another strained smile. Your furrowed brows caused deep lines to be etched into your forehead, showing no lack of concern, but you tried to stay positive. Gingerly running your hand up and down Wanda’s back, you carefully looked over as she freed the chocolate-covered candy from its wrapper. “You look good. You’re doing much better than you were when we brought you back.”

Wanda’s eyes lazily traced the pattern of the room’s stone walls as she brought her treat to her lips and carefully nibbled at it. When she found it free of tampering, she relaxed a bit and popped it into her mouth.

You watched as your past self rested their chin on her shoulder and squeezed her eyes shut. “I’m going to get you out of here, Wanda. I promise that I’m going to save you. I just… wish you’d let me help you more.”

Well, young me, you thought, you certainly broke that promise, then went off and murdered a bunch of people. Nice job.

Wanda’s past self finally fully acknowledged yours; she rested her head on top of yours and her thin fingers brushed brushed over the knuckles of one of your hands. She shook her head and mumbled, “I have to do this. For my people.”

Your echo sighed. The two of you sat like that together for a few moments longer before you separated yourself from her and headed out of the room. As you walked out of the room, the silver that blocked the security camera transformed back into a lens. Wanda looked back to the TV and blinked, and the television turned back on.

“Huh,” Agnes piped up to Wanda again, “they were just as piney here as they are in Westview then. Weird. I thought they had a reputation as a crazy psycho killer outside? Hoo boy, did you see any of the work that they did after Sokovia? I looked into it when I figured out that they weren’t just another ordinary townee. The Alchemist? Wished I’d managed to keep them on my side; I’d love to sit down and talk about all the ways they tore up those agents.”

You grimaced. You never regretted going on a HYDRA manhunt but it wasn’t exactly one of your most redeeming qualities.

Wanda frowned. “Trying to cope with all they had done while working with HYDRA was too much and they had to do it alone. I told [Y/N] I would return but then I never did. They thought it was their only solution.”

You were surprised to hear her empathize with you, let alone know about your revenge spree at all. You hadn’t realized how much it felt like a secret that you had been keeping from her until a weight was lifted off your shoulders when she talked about it.

“Still,” Agnes said nonchalantly, “turning an alive former HYDRA agent into a very much not alive scarecrow and leaving posting him up in his own field? Genius and I love the creativity. And the way they turned the guy who shot them into a bloody bag of bones? Delicious.

“But anyway,” she went on, the glee in her voice shifting to something more pensive, “little orphan Wanda got up close and personal with an Infinity Stone that amplified what otherwise would’ve died on the vine. The broken pieces of you are adding up, buttercup. I have a theory, but I need more.”

With a wave of her hand, a dark wood door appeared in the room’s far wall. Wanda’s eyes widened slightly with recognition and she immediately walked forward and through it. Agnes trailed cheerfully after her.

You made a move to follow them but you didn’t make it before Agnes shut the door behind her. You jiggled the doorknob but the door wouldn’t budge, and then it melted back into the wall and vanished altogether. While you were relieved to be away from Agnes’s acrid magic, panic rose in the back of your throat at the idea of Wanda being alone with Agnes and you being trapped in a bizarre memory realm with no idea of how to get out. You ran your hands along the wall in hopes of finding the door’s outline once more, to no avail. You spun around to search for another route—

—and you were suddenly standing on a street in Westview. 

This wasn’t Westview as you currently knew it but Westview before Wanda had turned it into her special little safe haven. Instead of watching this memory like a movie, you were now involuntarily reliving it as a prisoner of your head again as your body and mouth move on its own accord.

You were paused mid-walk across the street and staring at a breathtakingly gleeful Vision for the very first time. He was standing out in the open without a human disguise of any kind, wearing a very attractive form-fitting turtleneck and looking over an empty plot of land. He must have felt you staring because he turned his warm, earth-shaking gaze towards you.

“Hello there!” he hollered with a friendly wave and a smile that made you wonder if one look from a stranger could make you weep over how attractive they were. He stepped from the dirt plot to the sidewalk, then made his way to the curb. He held a slightly crumpled piece of paper in one hand and you could see a red heart in its center out of the corner of your eye.

For whatever reason—maybe because of the fact that there was a very inhuman-looking man, who was causing your body to have all sorts of reactions, walking towards you—you felt compelled to walk over and meet him. 

“Excuse me,” Vision said as you got closer and pointed to the lot behind him, “I’m looking to buy this spot here. Do you live around here?”

Temporarily, while I try to look for a cure for my dumb-bitch memory disease, you thought. Instead of saying this aloud, though, you said something much more stupid. “Are you aware that you’re red?”

Vision blinked. He looked at his hands if he was in fact just now realizing this, then looked back at you with wide eyes. One hand moved to touch the golden gem embedded in his forehead, which you now connected to the mind stone on the previous memory that you had experienced—Wanda’s memory. 

“Oh, goodness,” Vision said, “yes I am. I’m sorry, I hope my appearance doesn’t make you uncomfortable. If it does, I could make a more appealing one—”

You felt yourself break into a grin and one of your hands waved itself dismissively at him. “Not sure there’s a way to make yourself any more appealing than you already are. It’s just unusual is all.”

Vision chewed on one side of his bottom lip before smiling sheepishly at you. If only you’d been able to tell when this interaction had actually happened that he was “blushing” in the only way his synzethoid body allowed over you complimenting him; you would have had a field day with making him flustered.

Then his eyes drifted slightly above your eyeline and the hand touching his forehead gem fluttered slightly to the right—his left. Without thinking of how it might come off, he said, “You’re unusual-looking yourself.”

Luckily, you weren’t too easily offended. You briefly touched the gunshot scar on your forehead with one hand, the exit wound scar on your neck with the other, before dropping them both and shrugging. “Got shot in the head once. Operation gone wrong.”

“A soldier?” 

Unfortunately, the version of you in this memory was already struggling to recall memories. Instead of telling the pretty stranger that, though, you said, “Something like that.”

Vision nodded and awkwardly fiddled with the paper in his hands. His gaze flitted around before settling on you again, “Well, I think you’re appealing too.”

You felt your cheeks grow warm but you hid your embarrassment with a snicker. “Thanks.”

The man cleared his throat. “Yes, well, that’s good then, isn’t it? That we both like each other’s looks just fine. Not… that I want you to find my visuals appealing. Not— not that that’s a bad thing to be doing so either! It’s just that—” he paused to collect himself. “I have a partner. A girlfriend of sorts.”

“Of sorts?”

“It hasn’t really been discussed,” he clarified, “but we are deep in the throughs of our relationship.”

“Congrats? Also yeah.”

Vision blinked. “I’m sorry?”

You pointed over your shoulder. “I live around here. In a hotel more often than a home but I’m considering getting a rental a couple houses over.”

Because if I don’t find who I’m looking for—a doctor? Scientist maybe?—I’ll be stuck here until I remember where I came from.

    You were brought out of your grumbling thoughts by the childish excitement that erupted from Vision’s shining smile and spread throughout his body until he was practically vibrating. He quickly scrambled the rest of the way over and flashed the paper he held at you, then almost immediately folded it up before you could actually see anything other than a flash of red on white. He told you how wonderful it was to be meeting someone from the neighborhood and before you open your mouth to say anything in response, a billion questions seemed to pour one after the other from his mouth. You caught a few—did you know why the plot he was looking at was open, if there was a nefarious reason behind it lacking any home already? Was the neighboorhood safe, did you like it there?—but you soon found yourself distracted by the way the gear-like patterns in his blue irises swirled faster as Vision became increasingly giddy.

    Then one word came flying out of his rambling mouth and you felt like you had been hit in the gut with a sack of bricks. You actually had to stop yourself from choking on a gasping breath and steel yourself in preparation in case he said her name again. Luckily, Vision seemed too deep in his his own thoughts that he didn’t notice you blanching from the kickback of yours.

    Wanda? It couldn’t be. It wasn’t like there weren’t any other Wandas in the world. Then again, you’d never met another Wanda since your Wanda and there was something about her name coming from his mouth that assured you that his Wanda was yours too.

    Is that why you had come to Westview? Was Wanda the one you were looking for?

    You placed a hand on Vision’s shoulder, both as a way of grounding yourself and grabbing the man’s attention. It worked and Vision’s bumbling died off as he looked at you with wide eyes.

    “I’m so sorry,” he said, and lifted his free hand to scratch at the side of his neck, “I got quite carried away there, didn’t I?”

    This past version of you wanted so desperately ask about the Wanda he spoke of, to confirm that she was the Wanda that you’d known in what seemed to be a past life at this point. You wanted to know if she was safe, happy, and if he was taking care of her in the way that she so needed after everything she had been through. When you looked at Vision, though, and the plot plans in his hand and the place of his and her future home, you bit your tongue. Something told you that it wasn’t your time to ask nor was it your right to do so. It had been so long since you’d tried to help the Sokovian woman escape a dingy HYDRA base and failed, and wherever she was now, she was probably better off without you intruding.

    You put on a mask of a friendly smile to hide the way your heart was being picked to pieces by a thousand imaginary needles and gave Vision’s shoulder an equally friendly pat. “No worries. I do have to stop you, though, have an appointment to get to. I’m really not the person to ask about future home life—like I said, usually a hotel—but if I have anything to tell you, it’s that this is a good place to settle.”

    Vision beamed. “Really?”

    You dropped your arm and stepped away from the robotic stranger to take your leave. “This place is easy to turn into a home. You’ll love it here.”

    Vision heaved a sigh a relief and he waved to you and you gave a parting nod and began walking. “Thank you! Oh, and it was nice meeting you, neighbor! Hope to see you again soon!”

    Something deep in your heart told you that you wouldn’t be seeing the British gentleman again, or maybe you were finally coming to terms with the fact that your brain would drop yoru memory of him before the day was over. You cast one last glance over your shoulder, trying to commit every detail of Vision to memory the best that you could, before heading back across the street.

    “Looking forward to it!”

===

===

===

    One minute you were walking and the next you couldn’t feel any part of your body that was below your waistline. The scene had shifted again and you now found yourself staring spacily off ahead. You were outside and you felt the familiar presence of a large facility behind you but you couldn’t place what the building was for or why you were there. In fact, try as you might, you couldn’t place much meaning to anything. Your brain was blank aside from several questions that you had no answers to.

    Why were you in a wheelchair? What had happened to your legs? Why were you outside? Why were there old people and people in scrub uniforms milling around you and talking to you in passing as if you had any idea who they were? Where was your mom? You had classes to attend and needed a ride.

    You took a sighing breath and felt a tanginess of citrus on your tongue that sent shockwaves throughout your body—or what left of it that you could feel. Your eyes shot open wide and you swung your head around, looking for the source of the taste of candied citrus, the feeling of thin fingers carefully brushing across your knuckles. There was a memory there, clawing just under the surface of thought-killing fungus that seemed to have taken over your head over… however long it had been now. You just had to remember—

    Before you could could remember, you saw her appear before your very eyes. She was walking down the street past you with only a green yard and strip of sidewalk separating the two of you. She wore a dark outfit and her hair cascaded behind her in the breeze, fluttering like flames. You couldn’t see her face well because of the distance you could feel the deep, powerful sadness radiating off her in waves; it was almost strong enough to force you into tears. Still, she walked with purpose and she held a piece of paper in her hand that she glanced at every other second. She happened to turn her head to toss a stray chunk of her back over her shoulder and for a brief moment you thought that her dark eyes met yours.

    You screamed her name and attempted to chase after her. However, in that moment, you forgot that you were paralyzed from the waist down and stuck in a wheelchair, so when you lurched forward to stand, you were quickly greeted by hard earth knocking the wind out of you. You hissed in pain but the impact didn’t stop you, nor did your lack of working legs. You shoved the wheelchair away in a fit of irritation, then began crawling your way across the public yard, following a trail of a very specific shade of red as you dragged your body along.

    You didn’t make it very far before you felt strong hands grasp your shoulders. You flailed around, prepared to fight whoever was trying to disrupt your mission, only for you stop struggling altogether when a flash of reddish hair appeared in the corner of your vision. You looked up at and stared at the only face that held solidity in your mind with eyes the size of dinner plates as she knelt next to you and helped you into a decent sitting position. Once you were settled, her hands moved from your arms to cradling your face and when you could see the heartbreak in her eyes this time, you actually did feel a few tears wet your cheeks.

    Your eyes fluttered shut as her gentle hands caressed your face, brushed away the tears that were now flowing like a waterfall. Your own hands found their way to her waist and you held on for dear life. With a wobbly voice that was barely above a whisper, you gasped her name again, “Wanda…”

    You felt the warm touch of her forehead pressing against yours, her nose ungracefully bumping against your cheek as she held you. “[Y/N]?”

    Hearing your name on her tongue sent you into a fit of sobbing laughter, though you weren’t sure why. Goosebumps erupted across your skin and you felt the stuttering of a billion bird’s wings in your stomach, pounding against your ribcage. You had so many things you wanted to say and yet you could remember a single word, so you merely fell into a bumbling chant of “My Wanda, my Wanda, my Wanda, my Wanda…” Your eyes stayed squeezed shut for fear that if you opened them, she would no longer be there. 

    Wanda’s lips brushed against your eyelids and then your cheeks, not quite leaving kisses but a warm, tingly feeling nonetheless. A smile was there, you could feel the curve of it as her mouth traveled from your temple to your hairline, but it was one of the same sadness that you’d seen in her eyes. She mumbled against your scarred forehead, “Oh, [Y/N], what happened to you…?”

    You finally opened your eyes—luckily, she didn’t vanish into thin air once you did—and finally met her gaze again. You moved your hands to cover hers that still held your face and pressed them harder against your cheeks, as if you could imprint her fingerprints into your skin.

    After a moment of just silently basking in her presence, you sighed softly and replied, “I don’t know.”

    Pain further etched itself into the lines of Wanda’s face; you quickly reached out to smooth them out with your fingertips.

    “You don’t remember anything?”

    “Not much,” you replied. Then you smiled. “I know you. All I know for sure is you.”

    Wanda looked like she was on the verge of bursting into tears herself but she swallowed her sobs instead. She adjusted her position and sat back slightly, scrubbed her hands over her eyes and looked around at your surroundings. She glanced at the paper she’d once been holding but now sat in the grass next to her before her gaze settled back on you. Sadness shifted into determination as she took your face her hands once more.

    “I’m going to get you out of here, [Y/N],” she said, “I promise I’m going to save you.”

    You went to nod but the sound of something flying overhead caught your attention, then a flash of yellow light over Wanda’s shoulder.

    A powerful jerk in your stomach seemed to control your entire body, forcing your head and body upward. Then you were standing on the sidewalk on the outskirts of a neighborhood with a maze of twisted houses and picket fences behind you. You were no longer trapped inside your own head, watching or reliving memories, but standing mid-step in the Westview that was bubbled by a Hex of modern Wanda’s own creation.

    Vision was flying through the air nearby and approaching fast.

    Your powers seemed to move one step ahead of your mind; before you finished the thought, one of the fun mirror houses was turned into a staircase that led to nowhere in the sky. As you turned and began racing up them, you waved your arms in Vision’s direction and hollered, “Hey! Toaster oven!”

    Vision was clearly on a mission home but you managed to catch his attention before he flew too far past you. He rounded back around and met you at the top of your stairs. He quickly surveyed your immediate surroundings, taking in the bizarre scenery before casting a concerned look your way. “What in the world is going on here?”

    “Uh, well,” you paused and took a glance around yourself, then rambled off, “I just spent a nondescript amount of time trapped in a mental live-action remake of my past and I’m pretty sure Agnes is not Agnes but some unpleasant, magic-y person who kidnapped our kids and now is trying to get… something, I’m not sure what, from Wanda. Also, I think she might have a crush on me and I’m pretty sure she caused the carnival set-up next to us.”

    Vision blinked. “Well, that’s… a lot.”

    You hummed your agreement and nodded. Then you held out your arms to him. “Shall we?”

    Vision eyed you from your place on a freshly mutated staircase then snorted softly as he gathered you into his arms, bridal style. “Surely there must be a way for you to travel with those powers of yours.”

    “There is,” you affirmed, “but this is probably faster and I should probably keep my strength to save our kids and your wife. Oh, by the way.”

    Vision gave you a questioning him as he prepared for flight. You wrapped your hands around his neck and brought your lips to his in an quick kiss. When you pulled away, you met his curious gaze and said, “I’m so happy to have met you.”

    Vision’s expression grew warmer and returned your kiss with a softer one of his own. He briefly nuzzled his forehead against yours before pulling away.

    “I’m glad to have met you too,” he said softly. Then he shifted his gaze to look past you, towards home, and he said, “Now, let’s go get our family.”

[your-eternal-muse]

I’m Getting Colder

Heather Series Part 6 (Were halfway through it!)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Bonus! Readers Card Confession

Summery: Reader leaves the BAU for some personal time, and turns to her vices to deal with the voices in her head

Warnings: Description of someone falling into a deep depressive episode, self-deprecation, unhealthy coping mechanisms, description of emotional breakdown, reader is not in a good mental state so please be prepared for that before reading

Words: 1.8k (she smol)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Heather Charmical, Spencer Reid x eventual Female!Reader

A/N: So, this is not a light chapter. It’s not that long in my opinion, but it is very depressing. I do not recommend reading this if you are not in a well state of mind. Reader is very depressed, and she is falling deeper into that hole as we speak. I promise it does get better, but this chapter is just sad. I took from some personal thoughts and feelings I had when I was at a low point in my own life, which made it kind of difficult to make it any longer than I did, though I’m going to try and make the following chapters longer. I do recommend reading the bonus episode I posted, as it gives a lil insight to something said in this chapter. If you did not see, I sadly had to close both my permanent and my heather tag list, so if you are not already on there, and you want to be notified when I post a part, I suggest turning on my post notifications. Okay, that’s all. Love You!

~~~~~~~

“You really think he would love someone like You?”

“I will never love you.”

“Look at you. You’re disgusting.”

“I did love you. And then I met Heather and realized how much better she was.”

“Worthless.”

“Stupid Girl.”

“Useless.”

“UGLY!”

My eyes snap open.

My room is dark, and the sun is just barely rising over the horizon, the dim blue light leaking through my curtains.

The alarm on my phone goes off.

5:30 A.M. Meeting with Hotch at 8.

I slide my thumb across the dismiss button, and rub my face. All I want to do is go back to sleep, crawl deep under my covers and stay there until the end of time.

But I can’t.

My therapist's voice echoes through my mind.

“You’ve been through some emotional turmoil, y/n. It’s okay to take a break to get yourself better. But you need to talk to your unit chief in order for that to happen.”

So, that’s what I’m doing. I have a meeting with Hotch to discuss medical leave, where I’ll turn over my badge and gun and leave.

I sit up in bed, running a hand through my hair, trying to convince myself to get up.

Spencer comes home from his honeymoon today.

And if I haven’t been in the right head space when he hasn’t been here, then I’m definitely not okay to be shooting a gun when he is.

He called.

I didn’t answer.

He left a message.

I didn’t listen.

I don’t need to listen to him telling me that there's nothing we can do.

That it’s over.

That I have to move on.

No thanks.

I’m good.

I get up, and walk though my dark apartment, not bothering to turn on the lights as I go.

I strip in the pitch black bathroom, only lighting a candle so I don’t trip and break my neck.

The water is cold, and I let it run over my spine.

I leave once my teeth are chattering.

I get out and hastily dry off, before running a brush through my hair and cleaning my teeth.

I avoid my own eyes in the medicine cabinet mirror, but they slip back, and I don’t recognize the girl staring back at me.

I blink, pressing my palm to my eye, using my other hand to open the cabinet, turning the mirror away from me, so I don’t have to look anymore.

By the time I’m dressed and ready to leave, it’s 7:15.

I grab my purse, and my keys and head out of my apartment.

Once outside, I light up a cigarette, walking the short block to where I’m parked, climbing in and cranking the heat.

I used to stop and get a bagel and coffee from the bakery around the corner, but my appetite has left me.

My smoke will suffice for breakfast.

It’s a quiet ride to Quantico.

Mornings of listening to the radio, turning up my favorite songs have all but disappeared.

I pull my chin into my chest to keep the cold from biting my nose, as I walk up to the building.

The eyes of the security guards that I used to greet each morning follow me, as I keep my gaze glued to the floor.

The warmth of the elevator is no longer welcoming.

I’m the only one in the bullpen, as I walk past desks covered in files and papers.

I knock on Hotch’s door at 7:56.

“Come in.”

We’re the first ones here, and I know any moment, the others will trickle in, and their eyes will scan and find me standing before him, through his open blinds, where they will proceed to profile and figure out why I am acting the way I am.

I enter the office, and close the door behind me.

“You didn’t give a reason for this meeting, just stating that it was urgent that we met.” He sets his pen down, and gives me his full attention. “May I ask why?”

I rub my forehead, a headache already forming. “I didn’t know what to put for a reason. Every time I thought about what to write down, it seemed stupid.”

“Y/N, if something is bothering you, it’s never stupid.”

I nod, sniffling, taking my purse off my shoulder and pulling out the note from my therapist, handing it to him.

“I need at least two weeks of mental medical leave.”

He’s quiet as he reads through the letter, looking up at me every now and then.

I look out the window, and see all their heads turn to avoid eye contact, as if they weren’t just sitting and watching the whole exchange.

I bet they’re talking about it right now.

When he’s finished, he simply folds it and places it on his desk, waiting for me to speak.

I look down at my shoes.

I know he knows.

I'm pretty sure everyone knows now.

“I can’t be around him, Hotch.” My voice is no louder than a whisper, but I know he can hear me. 

Jesus, I’m so sick of crying.

“Everything changed that night. I can’t even look at him without wanting to cry or…” I pinch the bridge of my nose again, harder, trying to distract myself from the pain.

“I can’t. At least not yet. Not now. And I’m not in the right state of mind to turn it off during the work day so we can work like a team.” I turn to look out the other window, so I don’t have to deal with the eyes.

“I just need some time to work through it. And I don’t want to put the team at risk during that time.” I shove my hands in my pocket, and bite my lip.

He nods. 

“I understand. I hope you know your job will be waiting for you when you’re ready.”

I nod, breathing in to keep the tears at bay. “I know.”

“Good. I need your badge and gun please.”

That’s when the tears start falling.

I love this Job.

I love these people.

And here I am, abandoning them all because I can’t get over myself.

Yeah because you’re weak. Letting a boy take over your life. How Pathetic.

I untie my jacket, removing my badge from the inner pocket, placing it before him on the desk. I then remove my gun from the holster from my hip, making sure the safety is on, before setting that by my badge.

He stands, as I make my way for the door, moving out of the eyesight of the others.

“Y/N,”

I stop and turn, only to be met with his arms wrapping around me. 

I fall into the embrace, so uncommon for Hotch, but oh so needed at this moment. 

Hotch is a father through and through, and right now, a father’s embrace is what I need.

“I’m always here if you need to talk. No matter what time. I’m here for you.”

I squeeze my arms around him, taking in his scent before backing away. “I know. Thank you, Hotch.”

He nods, smiling softly, before stepping back as I open the door, and walk out into the bullpen.

The team stands, unashamedly staring at me as I walk down past them.

Now including Spencer.

I hastily wipe my cheeks, and shove my hands back into my pockets, beginning to walk past them.

“Baby girl,”

“Don’t, Derek.” I spit. If he hadn’t been a dick….If i had just watched where I was going.

Spencer is closest to the door, and I turn my head away from him, not wanting to engage in anything with him.

He reaches out and grabs me by the crook of my elbow.

“Reid.” Hotch says, but Spencer’s eyes are burning into the side of my face. 

“You asked me to come and catch you.” His voice is soft, and once again, I wish someone would scream at me.

I swallow hard, and pull away from him, stepping back, retreating as far into myself as possible.

“I’m not yours to catch anymore.”

I place a hand over my mouth and practically run out of the glass doors.

I don’t stop running until I get to my car, where I collapse into the cold, and sob against the steering wheel.

“Come and catch me?”

“You asked me to come and catch you.”

He knows he’s killing me.

He has to,

He can’t say shit like that and not know.

My phone lights up with his name, and I slide my thumb across decline, before starting my car and pulling out of the parking lot.

The minutes blur by as I make my way home, just wanting to collapse into bed, and sleep away my problems.

My apartment is lighter now, but it’s still relatively dark. Light seeps through my curtains, but it doesn’t reach far.

I kick off my boots, and take off my jacket, tossing it across the counter.

A full length mirror hangs from my corridor wall, watching me. Taunting me.

“He’s just trying to talk to you.”

I pinch my eyes close. This isn’t happening. Not again.

“But you’re too selfish to accept him as anything other than a friend.”

The voice talking is high-pitched, and stings like a bell.

Heather.

“Seriously? You think he would ever want someone like you? When he could have someone like me? You’re pathetic.”

I turn to the mirror, where she stands staring back at me in the reflection.

“Shut up.”

“You are so stupid. No one wants you. No one will ever want you. The team will be so much better off without you.”

“Shut up!” My teeth grit, and I know I’m talking to a figment of my imagination, but I don’t care.

I can’t care.

“You’re so useless. You’re so stupid. You’re so pathetic. Do you know you’re the last thing on his mind? Especially when he’s deep within me, and I’m making him feel so good.”

“I said shut up!” 

I grab a stray book laying open on my counter, and throw it at the mirror, watching it shatter upon impact, the pieces looking like snow on my floor.

I bawl into my hands, leaning over my counter.

Who have I become?

I pull myself together long enough to grab the bottle of whiskey sitting open by my sink, taking a long drink from it.

With it still clutched in hand, I shuffle over to my couch which is pushed up against my windows.

I lean over the back of it, opening the one above it, the cool air freezing the tears on my face.

I set the bottle down and pick up a stray smoke, lighting up and leaning back, exhaling the smoke up into the air and out the window.

My cell vibrates in my pocket, and I pull it out, seeing Spencer’s face pop up yet again.

In the photo, he’s smiling, birthday cake on his face. I hit decline.

Another swig, another hit. 

My brain is becoming fuzzy.

A text comes through from Derek.

I swipe the notification away. 

I lie down on my couch, holding a pillow close to my body, my cigarette hanging from my fingers, the bottle down on the floor next to me.

Another text.

I turn my phone off.

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[trauma-express]

Le Chat Chalet  Car

Le Chat Chalet Car is definitely one of my favorite episodes in general, so I wanted to get into some character analysis, specifically of Simon. This episode gives us insight into his past and reasoning for what he does, but I think it also pretty neatly sets up his flaws and later descent. I also feel like this episode leans into the “cycle of family dysfunction” metaphor that people have noted about this season. Under the readmore for length and images. Not particularly Simon friendly but I try to be fair.

This is a very complicated episode that introduces the dynamic between Simon and Samantha which many people have likened to a dysfunctional mother-son relationship.  I do feel for Simon here, as the Cat did legitimately wrong him by running from the Ghom and never tried to contact him in the 8 years. He is obviously distraught at the idea of being trapped with her for an unknown amount of time, especially as it was unexpected and Simon does not cope well with change or the unexpected.

So while his reaction of lashing out is understandable… it still isn’t that appropriate especially in front of Hazel. As someone who struggles with anger issues, it is hard, but we have to learn to control our first reactions even if they’re understandable. And again, with Hazel being there, showing such anger in front of a child is not great, and Hazel clearly looks nervous at his outburst of yelling and kicking the door. 

She also looks similarly troubled when Simon aggressively grabs the Cat away from her. The Cat is not bothered, but Hazel was enjoying a conversation and has no context for why Simon is so mad. I won’t discuss other episodes too much, but Hazel tells Tuba not to hit him in the Jungle Car, showing that Tuba had made an effort at teaching Hazel emotional regulation, so this kind of anger is probably not something she is used to. 

Hazel is also clearly upset during his outburst, with his punching the wall and clear anger about the events. Again his anger is understandable, but that was not really an appropriate way to respond to a six year old’s question.

I don’t say this to villainize Simon’s anger here, but it shows he does not handle it in an appropriate way, and that only worsens over the season. This is probably due to the fact that he grew up in the Train without proper guidance, but it obviously negatively impacts how he relates to others. Still, I think that at this point, he was genuinely acting out of concern for Hazel at this point in the book, not wanting her to get hurt by the Cat like he was.

Now, onto his interaction with Grace, I will say that in this situation, unlike later in the book, they are both somewhat right and somewhat wrong in their conflict.

Obviously, Grace is going to be frustrated at Simon’s demand to leave when there is a blizzard making that an impossibility. We know she and the Cat also dislike each other, which this episode reminds us about. And it can be inferred throughout the book that Simon leans heavily on her for emotional support. So she is worried about her number, stressed at being stuck with the Cat, and Simon is lashing out because he’s stuck. However, as Simon makes clear, he is also obviously upset at being stuck with the Cat and wanting support from Grace, who knows about his painful history with her leaving him in a bad mental space.

But I think it was a little unfair of Simon to take that out on her during the backstory scene, at which point she was not saying anything, merely standing by him. He suddenly turns on her and even if it is unintentional, it comes off as slightly guilt trippy and trying to hurt her. Obviously, saying things with the intention to be hurtful is not something either of them should do even if they are frustrated with each other, though it can happen in relationships.

However, only Grace apologizes here. Again, she admits she could have been more sensitive as this ordeal was triggering for Simon, so it is not uncalled for. But while Simon offers her support when she confesses her problem, he does not reciprocate the apology. It might have helped if he acknowledged she was stressed out too or apologized for yelling, but he does not. It is not healthy for a relationship where one person’s anger is prioritized and the other is expected to endure the lash outs. Being willing to apologize and take responsibility for your wrongs is important, mental illness or other issues or not. Again, as someone who struggles with anger, I am lucky that people who knew me for a while have been willing to put up with some of my worse moods, but remembering it makes me not want to be that person anymore. 

I think Simon was being completely genuine when he tried to reassure Grace he was always with her. For all his flaws, he is fairly honest (until the denial starts at the end), and is not that manipulative so I think he sincerely believed it when he said it. And it’s kind of him to reassure her over the worries she expresses to him. It shows his difficulty with dealing with other people’s feelings, though he is still being kind.

So essentially, I love this episode because it does a great job showing some of Simon’s most and least sympathetic traits (y’know, barring the murder thing). It also gives us Frank but that’s not relevant.

[1-lightofjustice]

You feel uncomfortable about Scepter 4 year-end track, is it because you're Reisaru shipper and in that track Fushimi ditched Munakata to chase Misaki? You know that the track was made by Yellow, one of official GoRa's members, right? The track is, sadly for you, canon.

Fushimi ditched Munakata? Oho, I support it fully. Like hell, sometimes on Drama CDs or short stories (especially Gakuen K) Fushimi is so tolerant with Munakata's shenanigans and made me want to scream "just kick him and run away Fushimi!" (Case point : Munakata fishing trip, Munakata got handcuffed, Munakata's King Game, Fushimi became Santa Claus). And for me, the fact that Fushimi can refuse Munakata and willing to do so without any fear or hesitation is the cute and healthy point of Reisaru. He already coldly rejected Munakata many times you know, like when he refused to accompany Munakata on his hobby because it reminded him of the time when he was roped by Totsuka into various activities, he refused to play cheese with Munakata, he refused to see autumn falling leaves together with Munakata on their day off, etc. So yeah, the fact that Fushimi ditched Munakata to chase Misaki didn't bother me at all.

So what made me feel uncomfortable for this track? Just one word, Timeline. The explanation is a bit meta-y so if you don't want read my rambling, the short answer is there's discrepancy with the main canon timeline, and while it's not impossible, the implication made me uncomfortable. Again, not impossible but hella uncomfortable for me. For full explanation....

See, for me, since most of K Drama CDs are mostly gag tracks, the ones that I treat as canon are Drama CDs that I think can be slotted in canon timeline. Drama CDs like Crow's Repayment, Snow White, and Izumo's Room are definitely not canon because there's no way those were happened on main timeline situation. Drama CDs like Everything Sank Except Me and That Guy and Munakata Fish The World is obviously placed after ROK (since Munakata got weakened like he can't pull a tire and Sarumi's improved relationship). Other drama like Munakata-kun's Strap, Elevator, or For Justice can easily be slotted in pre-anime or even post season 1. Window Shopping, Figure Direction, and Private Hero are obviously pre-anime by the casual appearance or mention of Mikoto and Totsuka. There are Drama CD that used as blatant promotion of K Project, like Guys Meeting in The Shower and it's Girl Version counterpart which completely break the fourth-wall by "Hey we are bunch of K boys in K world let's we dip in hot water and talk" which is definitely not gonna happen in canon.

So what category is YEP (Year End Party) Drama CD? It's logical enough to happen on canon. It didn't break any fourth wall. If we assumed that YEP Drama CD is truly happened on canon, on what period it's happened? It's definitely on pre-ROK, and by the casual mention of Mikoto, can it happen on pre-Season 1?

The answer is no. Why? Because unlike other Drama CD who has no mention of time as our foothold, YEP Drama CD has two hints about the specific time it happened. First, it's about year-end party, so the drama CD was happened on the end of December. Second, by the mention of ABCDEFGH as a squad that was expected to come by Munakata, it means that Scepter 4 Special Ops Squad was already formed, since before it ABCD were leaders of 1st-4th platoons and EFGH were ordinary swordsmen of 4th platoon. Is it impossible for them to have casual gathering together? No. Is it impossible for them to get grouped together on formal gathering with their boss? Yes. Because based on Scepter 4 structure, they were not a group yet, they were not even on the same platoon. Like, if EFGH was invited, how about the rest of 1st-3rd platoons? How about the 5th platoon leader and members? (Poor 5th platoon, they didn't get any screen time except a brief mention on Season 1 episode 8). And before Special Squad was formed, Fushimi is just an ordinary rank on Intelligent Division, so why did he come to gathering for Scepter 4 bosses and leaders of Swordsmen platoons, with bunch of troublemakers from 4th platoon? (I mean, yeah he is Munakata's favorite and the King's private soldier, but that was not.... an official title). The Drama CD with the mentioned casts was not logical to happen if Fushimi and ABCDEFGH was not yet grouped under a special group, which is currently named Special Ops Squad.

Now when we established that YEP drama CD happened on late December, before ROK and after Special Ops squad was formed, let's look at the detailed timeline of K :

Special Ops squad was formed on Side Blue, detailed time was on 1st May 2012. Fushimi particularly joined Special Ops Squad and became the third-in-command on 6th June 2012. So the mentioned casts (Special Ops Squad) plus Awashima and Fushimi were expected to have Year End Party together with Munakata, it certainly happened on late December 2012. And what happened on December 2012? Apocalypse well quite almost close to that. On 7th December 2012 Totsuka was dead, and 12 days after, on 19th December 2012 Mikoto was dead, killed by (a very unwilling) Munakata. So if YEP drama CD happened on 23-31 December 2012, more or less a week after the end of Season 1 and Mikoto's death, then...

-Scepter 4 ditched Munakata even thought they were aware that more or less a week before their King killed his friend. If the rest of squad didn't know about Mikorei's relationship, then at least Awashima knew how hard mental blow that was received by Munakata on K Season 1. Yet she still ditched Munakata. I don't know what happened on previous YEP, but would the ever loyal Awashima ditched her King when she knew that Munakata was very possibly on his sad and hurtful period?

-Fushimi taunted Yata with mentioning Mikoto just more or less a week after Mikoto's death. Sure we knew that Fushimi could taunt Yata even after Mikoto's death, but (I hope) he didn't specifically search for Yata and taunt him with how Homra and Mikoto is suck just after Mikoto's death. On canon, after Mikoto's death Fushimi avoided the hell of Yata and Homra, on Missing King Yata called him first, and on ROK, their meeting was coincidental.

-I love Scepter 4 as a whole, and I particularly love Munakata and Fushimi on the same degree. But my love for each of them is a little different. I love both of them to be happy of course, but if Fushimi got flooded with angst, I will feel "oh yeah Fushimi angst, mmm delicious, give me more" but if I stumbled upon Munakata angst I will feel "noooo don't be sad, I don't want him to be sad, please someone fix it!" Yeah sorry Fushimi XD. And that is the reason why I can't enjoy Mikorei after Mikoto's death, because watching Munakata's constant brooding over Mikoto's death is damn uncomfortable for me and I can't even feel sad along with him for Mikoto's death (I don't hate Mikoto, but I am indifferent about him). So yeah, hearing how Munakata sounded genuinely upset when Scepter 4 members ditched him, when Fushimi ditched him, when I heard Munakata's lament that he was alone on the end of video, when more or less a week before he killed his friend, I can't enjoy it. I can't laugh for Munakata's misery, I feel uncomfortable as hell instead.

Please note, just I said, the track is not impossible to be canon. Is it possible for Awashima and the rest of Scepter 4 members to be annoyed enough by Munakata to ditch him even though not long ago Munakata killed his friend and almost died in the process? Yes. Is it possible for Fushimi to taunt Yata with Mikoto after Mikoto’s death? Yes. Is it possible for Munakata to be left alone in a bar? Yes. BUT, as Fushimi, Munakata, Awashima, and overall Scepter 4 fans, that kind of portrayal makes me uncomfortable so much, especially since I valued Scepter 4′s bond so much and don’t care (or you can say quite disliked) about Sarumi’s taunting and fighting, also Munakata angsting over Mikoto. Also if the lack of Yata’s anger and depressed over Mikoto’s death means that the Drama CD happened before Season 1 a.k.a December 2011 (Fushimi joined Scepter 4 on October 2010, so December 2010 would be his first YEP and he shouldn’t know about previous party), then as Scepter 4 nerds I need explanation why only ABCDEFGH, Fushimi, and Awashima that was expected to come when they were not on the same squad before and Fushimi even just an ordinary member of Intelligence Division that rarely associate with Swordsmen Squad as Hidaka pointed out. Compare that to another Scepter 4 annual event like Flower Gazing that included Zenjou, Yayoi, and even we can assumed that there are other Scepter 4 member joined on flower gazing on other places. Also, Flower Gazing as annual event is already mentioned 4 times but there's no mention of Scepter 4 year-end party except on that Drama CD.

Speaking about portrayal, I also don’t like some of jokes on that track. Namely when Munakata said that he installed surveillance camera on Scepter 4 dorm, Awashima’s dorm to be exact. I knew that Munakata is an S and can quite ignore the concept of privacy and personal space, but as a boss and a man, just like Fushimi said, that action is a crime. And not the funny one. Awashima should and must protest for that, no matter how loyal she is to Munakata. And Fushimi as the main advocate of privacy and personal space should not accept that kind of behavior from Munakata and didn’t let Munakata be with just a simple protest. Honestly, if I have a boss who pulled that stint of me, no matter how amazing he is, I will lose my respect on him. And I respect the hell outta Munakata. I will not say that the track is mischarasterized Munakata, since as you said Kabei Yukako (Yellow) is the writer and she wrote an amazing Munakata in LSW and Sand Castle story, but maybe she played with fandom jokes “tyrant Munakata” a little bit too hard.  So yeah, I prefer if that track, especially that particular aspect, is not canon. 

Not that I hate the whole track of course. I like some trivia about Scepter 4, especially the ones that was confirmed canon on other materials like Awashima loves plushies and Benzai has younger sister. I also like when Fushimi can baffle Munakata with his card trick. But still, Scepter 4 YEP Drama CD is uncomfortable for me. 

Also track like Megane of Blue is also written by Gora Orange, it didn’t break the fourth wall or seemed happened on alternate universe, but you don’t actually believe that in canon Munakata truly became crazy if he lost his glasses right? Especially since we already got 2 glasses-less Munakata and he turned out just fine (three if you count Optician Drama CD, which is canon since it was mentioned on Countdown). On drama CD, script writers often exaggerate characters to create a joke, either Gora or non Gora.

[woulddieforperrytheplatypus]

I would like to call shenanigans about the complaints of Phineas being "out-of-character" in the specials and movies. He's a kid! And human! It makes his character more interesting and three-dimensional! He's allowed to be sad or mad when he's out of his comfort zone! I mean, everyone else is allowed to have a wide range of emotions, and it makes it all the more satisfying when he manages to pull through and go back to being his usual positive self

SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK

I’m about to get real salty for a second (not at the show tho I’m getting salty at people who get salty at the show) so here’s a cut 

Nothing annoys me more than people who think Phineas had no reason to get upset in at2d. Literally one of the last things 2D Doof said to him before Perry revealed that he was a secret agent was, and I quote, “You really think that he’s your pet, don’t you? WRONG! He’s using you! He’s just your cover!” Of course he was going to internalize that!

And that’s not just speculation, either. As soon as they get a moment to talk without the constant fear of, you know, getting arrested by an evil dictator’s robots, Phineas straight up asks him, “Was that evil guy right? Were we just a cover for you? Were you ever really our pet, or part of our family?” AND THEN HE HAS THE AUDACITY TO BREAK MY HEART BY FOLLOWING THAT UP WITH “Well, apparently not, because you didn’t trust us enough to tell us!” Like? 2D Doof’s words overshadowed the entire reveal. Of course that was going to impact how Phineas reacted to it, and it blows my mind that people think he should have just accepted it with a smile like nothing happened. 

And that’s not even getting into the fact that Perry got them into that mess in the first place. I don’t even think I can say it better than Phineas so I’m gonna use another quote from the movie because I am apparently writing an actual angry essay right now with evidence from the text movie lmao. When they’re still at DEI and Heinz clarifies that he’s an evil scientist, Phineas turns on Perry and says, “You just sat there and let us help an evil scientist open an evil portal into an evil dimension, and you did nothing to stop us?” (With, of course, the caveat that yes, Perry peed on the couch, but “That wasn’t enough!”)

~~ taking a brief break from angry ranting in the middle of the night to add that I definitely don’t think Perry was in the wrong here. I’ve just spent a lot of time thinking about at2d because a) I’ve seen it so many times and practically have it memorized (thus why I threw in all these quotes off the top of my head lol) and b) I’m writing a fic where Perry can talk (it’s Bitch Shut The Fuck Up on Wattpad and AO3 if anyone’s in the mood for sassy, swearing Perry) and I’m going to start incorporating episodes once summer starts in the fic so I lowkey spent most of my nights in bed thinking about what Perry’s going to say and how it would change things if he could explain himself and would he even try to or would he let the kids think he betrayed them if he thought it would keep them safe so anyways I have a lot of feelings but tl:dr Phineas has ever reason to be upset and I don’t blame him and neither should you ~~

And then, of course, there’s the Marvel crossover and, like, he was right? He was 100% right? Candace was too star struck to help, and it was too important for them to take any risks. And you make a really good point with your comment about being out of his comfort zone. I don’t think there’s ever a time that Phineas is more out of his league than in the Marvel crossover. He really is just a kid, and he only got roped into this because he just happened to put his space station in the wrong place at the wrong time and the Avengers made the wrong assumptions. The fate of the entire world depended on them, and when Candace repeatedly messed things up, Phineas had every right to be upset -- and the fact that he was undoubtedly really stressed out because, again, the fate of the entire world, only gives him more of a reason to snap. It’s not out of character; his character had just never dealt with anything like that before.

I mean, of course, there’s Phineas and Ferb Save Summer, which I think was a more mild example of Phineas getting angry, but it’s similar enough to the Marvel crossover that I feel like I need to bring it up, if only to point out the differences. In the Marvel crossover, the world was actively being threatened by a group of actual supervillains. In PnF Save Summer, technically LOVEMUFFIN is also threatening the safety of the world by trying to plunge it into an eternal ice age, but Phineas doesn’t know that which is half the fun of the episode. Like, they don’t know why they can’t move the planet back into place, just like LOVEMUFFIN doesn’t know why they can’t move it further away.

That’s not really the point here, though; that’s just me having unnecessary opinions on everything. I don’t really view this one as Phineas snapping, but Buford does make that joke about how it must be a special episode because Phineas is yelling at his sister again so I’m guessing there are probably people who think it’s ooc which means naturally I gotta bring it up (and, of course, I wanted to reference the meta joke because I love it). 

Phineas built those thrusters. He knows how they work better than probably anyone but Ferb. When Candace says she’s going to overwork them, of course Phineas is going to tell her not to, and he’s going to be urgent about it, but he doesn’t yell. And when Candace accidentally ruins the thrusters, Phineas doesn’t yell at her then, either; he just tells her how to fix it (and, when she’s too scared to go into the attic, his hologram is there to cheer her on). It’s just? So? Wholesome? And “wholesome” is basically Phineas’s entire character, so that fits really well.

And the only other one I can think of off the top of my head is Summer Belongs To You (and it’s entirely possible he’s supposedly “out of character’ in other specials too but it’s 11:20 at night and my brain is fried lmao). “Get on the trike!” is literally one the most iconic lines in the show. Even Dan said it’s one of his favorites because it wasn’t necessarily a funny line, it was funny because it was Phineas saying it, and the fact that so many people remembered it was that it seemed so out-of-place coming from Phineas, which meant they had developed the character well (and if anyone happens to have the video -- I think it might have been an old tiktok but there have been way too many for me to look through -- hmu bc it was such a pure moment). But tbh even though the yelling was “out of character” in the sense that it made for a good joke, I don’t think his actions were out of character at all? Phineas sets crazy goals all the time, and he always achieves them. They’d put so much work into it so far, and he wasn’t going to let it go to waste when the end game was right there. He was exhausted, presumably both physically and mentally (I mean, we didn’t see him sleep at all, you know?) and he wanted to get home and he wanted to accomplish his goal and he wanted to do it as a family (because 🎵 friends are also family 🎵) and he wasn’t going to let Candace ruin that, which I personally think is adorable because technically Candace was never even part of the bet and she didn’t have to make it home with them for them to win so Phineas easily could have ditched her and made her find her own way home but he wanted her to see it through with them and I just have a lot of feelings 😭

OKAY last paragraph because I know no one really cares and it’s getting late and I have an 8:30 class tomorrow and should probably be in bed by now. I also like the point you made about how that makes it more satisfying when he  manages to pull through and go back to being his usual positive self. I don’t know if anyone considers it out of character given that it’s really supposed to be a powerful moment purely because it’s so out of the ordinary (although I guess I could say the same for all these scenes) but god, when Phineas breaks down on the island in Summer Belongs To You, it’s such a testament to his character because he had managed to push through so much because he was determined to get home but it also proves that he does have a breaking point. I mean, we see it in all the other scenes, too, but those are directed at people. This is purely situational, which I think hits harder and it’s why that was the first one I thought of when you mentioned pushing through. All these scenes are a testament to his character, really, and basically the moral of the story is that I completely agree with you, Phineas deserves to have his character explored as much as Candace and Heinz have theirs explored, and that I clearly have way too many opinions and should really learn to tone it down fjksdhfjka

[ridiculousn3sswrites]

Disappear

*Lafayette x Reader

*Request: ‘Anonymous asked: Can we get Angst 8 [Nobody’s seen you in days.] with Laf? Because I've been retreating into my shell recently and I need H E L P’

*Warnings: Depression

*A/N: Okay so I lied about only working on my requests from Wattpad. Also the Ten Years of One Direction is making my middle school heart happy.

My Ko-Fi if you want to support my writing

**********

There was no going around it - your mental health was bad at the moment. You felt trapped in the routine of just going to work, coming home, going to sleep, and doing it all again the next day. Normally you were a fan of routine - knowing what to expect during the day helped to ease anxiety of the unknown - but you were just getting into a slump at this point. By the time you got home from work, you were drained and didn’t want to do anything other than crawl into your bed, watch some show or videos, and try to forget everything going on in the world.

These episodes came by every once in a while when things got to be too much, so you were used to dealing with them by now. Your friends and boyfriend, on the other hand, weren’t so used to them. If anything, Peggy was probably the only one who understood what you were going through from when you roomed with her in college. The first time it happened (you only going to classes and then coming back to the room to sleep, not talking to Peggy in days), Peggy thought she had accidentally done something wrong and made you upset. It took a few days for you to get out of your slump, and once you started talking to her again, she asked you if you’d been mad at her. You didn’t really tell her the depth of the problem though, just that you were really stressed and that’s why you were acting odd.

When you were in college, living with Peggy kept you from getting completely the way you are now. Peggy had her friends coming around all the time, so you never really had the chance to fall back into your shell. Even if you had your episodes, it never got as bad as it could have. Eventually you started dating Peggy’s friend Lafayatte, and he started helping you through your lighter episodes. He would be there to hold you and just comfort you with his presence, even if the two of you didn’t say much during these times. He made sure you ate and took care of yourself before he had to go off to work or other obligations. You really couldn’t ask for more.

You hadn’t had an episode like this in a while. You would go to work, just eat your lunch in the office, go home, turn off your phone, and go about your night. You were constantly tired, and you just didn’t have the energy to talk to anyone, even just to send a Snap or a message to let them know you were physically okay. You’d gone through a few days just stuck in this little funk, just looking forward to the weekend so you could just try to work your way out of it. When you got home from work on Friday, you were about to turn off your phone once again when you saw your group chat with the Schuylers lighting up.

From: Peggy Five minutes ago

Bar tonight? My supervisor has been giving me hell

From: Angelica Two minutes ago

Peggy, *I’m* your supervisor

From: Peggy now

Exactly

From: Eliza now

I knew you two working together was a bad idea

From: Angelica now

(Y/n), you in?

You smiled a bit at the messages, but as much as you wanted to go hang out with your friends, you knew you wouldn’t enjoy yourself with the mood you were in.

To: Schuylers now

Sorry guys I’m not feeling too great

From: Eliza now

Are you okay? Do you need us to do anything?

To: Schuylers now

I’m fine, I just need some rest. Have fun though :)

Ah yes, the smiley face will definitely throw them off. Even you couldn’t believe your thought process. There were more messages, but you put your phone down. You could deal with those once you had some sleep, and maybe a pizza and some cheesy bread delivered to your apartment. That sounded immensely more appealing than the alternative: getting ready and heading to the bar just to spend too much money on watered down drinks.

You took a long, hot shower with your depression playlist blasting, then got into your most comfortable pajamas, ready to spend the night on your couch with pizza and Netflix. You ordered on the app so you didn’t have to talk to anyone, wrapped yourself in your blanket, and settled in to watch your favorite movie.

It wasn’t more than twenty minutes later that you heard someone knocking at your door. You figured it was a little fast for your pizza, but you weren’t complaining. There was a second before the knocking continued, and you called out a quick ‘be right there’ as you grabbed some cash to tip the delivery guy. When you opened the door, you weren’t met by the delivery guy. “Are you okay, mon amour?”

“Oh, uh, hey Laf,” you said, feeling your face heating up. You hadn’t talked to or seen Laf in a few days, just like the rest of your little group, so it was a little embarrassing for him to see that you were actually physically fine. “I thought you guys were going to the bar tonight?”

“Eliza told me how you said you weren’t feeling well and I wanted to check in on you. Nobody’s seen you in days. Are you getting sick?” Laf asked. He was right; you weren’t making lunch plans with anyone like you usually did, you weren’t answering texts and calls, you weren’t doing anything other than just going to work and coming home. You stepped to the side, letting Laf into your apartment.

“No, I’ve just… I dunno I haven’t been feeling good, but I’m not getting sick,” you tried to explain. Laf looked at you, trying to understand but falling short. You took a deep breath before trying again. “You know how I have my episodes? I’m just having a really bad one right now.”

Lafayette took your hand and directed you to sit on the couch, sitting next to you and directing his full attention to you. “What’s wrong? Do you know what’s going on? I’ve been worried about you, chérie.”

“I don’t know, Laf. I’ve just been so drained. Being at work just takes everything out of me and when I come home I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to talk to or see anyone, I just want to lay in bed and try to get enough energy to do it all again the next day,” you finally spilled, voice thickening as you went on. You hated when it got this bad, but when it did, you didn’t know what to do to stop it. You didn’t want to burden your friends or boyfriend, and asking for validation felt like you were doing just that. Lafayette pulled you into his arms, holding you close as you let the pent up emotions from the past few days just wash over you. You’d just felt off over the past few days but other than that you weren’t really feeling anything. Now you just felt hollow, empty. You wanted to feel that nothing again, it was easier than feeling empty.

“I don’t know what it’s like for you, so I’m not going to act like I do. I’ll do whatever it takes to help you, even if it’s just being close to you. I’m here to help you, chérie.” Laf pressed a kiss to the top of your head. “What do you need me to do?”

“Can you stay with me?” You asked in a small voice, your words muffled by Laf’s shirt. He squeezed you slightly, bringing you close enough that you could hear his heart steadily beating.

“Of course I can,” Laf said. You focused on his heartbeat and breathing, using it to calm your mind. When Laf was with you, everything turned peaceful. You didn’t have to worry about everything else going on, you were able to just focus on the two of you existing in the same place. Everything else in the world just melted away. You weren’t sure how long you stayed like that, but your moment of peace was interrupted by a knocking at your door. You moved to answer it, but Laf pulled you back to sit down. “I’ll get it.”

You watched as Laf got the pizza from the delivery guy, pulling money from his wallet to give him a tip even though you had tip money sitting right by the door. It was a small thing, but you still couldn’t help the small rush of affection at the action. When Lafayette turned around, now holding the pizza, he furrowed his brow slightly. You tilted your head. “What?”

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Laf asked, setting the boxes on your coffee table before sitting back down next to you. He put his arm around you, pulling you into his side.

“You’re just really good to me. Like, even if I’ve been absent, you’re still here for me and it’s just,” you paused for a second, trying to figure out what you wanted to say. “I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you.”

Lafayette pressed a kiss to the top of your head again. “I know you need some time to get things right, especially when you’re having your episodes. I’m never going to fault you for needing some space, though I would appreciate if you could tell me that’s what’s going on. But if anything, I’m the lucky one.”

That made you stop, pulling away from him a little so you could look at his face. “Why do you say that?”

Lafayette laughed as though he couldn’t believe you just asked him that, but when he saw you worrying your lip, he got serious. “I’m lucky because you’re so incredibly caring, nice, and just genuinely amazing. You help when I can’t remember the English for something-”

“That’s happening less and less,” you decided to joke. Lafayette looked at you deadpan, so you motioned for him to continue.

“If you even think I’m sick - or any of our friends are - you immediately are there with medicine and soup and offer to help with anything I need. If I need someone to talk to, you’ll stay on the phone with me no matter how long I need to talk. Everything about you is just amazing, and I want to help you when you need it. With everything you do for me, I just want to be able to reciprocate it,” Laf continued, rubbing his thumb over the apple of your cheek. You brought your hand up to hold his in place, enjoying the feeling of his touch.

“Thank you,” you nearly whispered. Lafayette gave you a small smile before leaning in to press a chaste kiss to your lips.

“Come on, let’s eat and watch your movie,” he said, pressing another kiss to your lips.

“Bold of you to assume any of this food is for you considering you showed up unannounced,” you teased.

“You wouldn’t let me go hungry, now would you, ange?” Lafayette asked, pouting. You laughed, opening the box and handing Laf a slice. 

“You know I wouldn’t.” You grabbed your own slice and relaxed into Laf’s side, letting him start the movie again. You’d been having a rough week, but just being able to sit here with Laf was making everything better.

**********

You woke the next morning with Laf’s arm around your waist, holding you close to him. You could feel his deep breaths on the back of your neck, steady as sleep held him. His hold around you loosened just enough for you to turn and look at him, studying his features. His hair was wild, curls down from the bun he normally had it in. His mouth was slightly open before it turned into a small smirk. “That’s weird, mon ange,” he said, not opening his eyes.

“How do you always know?” you asked with a laugh, turning to lay on your back.

“I could feel you staring.” Laf propped himself up on his elbow so he could look at you better, using his free hand to run his fingers along your arm. “What do you want to do today? I should probably run to the store later so we can have an actual dinner.”

“Actually, I was thinking maybe we could meet up with the others later and have a group dinner.” Lafayette’s fingers stopped where they were as he searched your face for any sign of hesitation.

“Are you sure, chérie? I don’t want you to do anything if you won’t enjoy yourself.”

“I’m sure. I mean, it would be okay for us to leave a little early if my social battery runs out, right?”

“Of course. I’ll text everyone in a little,” Laf said, leaning in to kiss you. “Now, what do you want for breakfast?”

**********

Permanent Tag List: @treatallwithkindness

[brabe]

WHAT IF... MURATA UGETSU HAS BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER?

“Murata Ugetsu was by no means detached from life- nor was he free of worries and grief, he had feelings too- the same as anyone else... But, unlike ordinary people, his heart and his emotions were overflowing.

While I listened to Ugetsu’s music that day—to the sudden flood of music-feeling that was amplified so many times more than usual, I found myself wondering — how... just how was this child prodigy able to live...?

Be it joy, or sorrow, or suffering, Ugetsu lived with feelings which were much more complex, and exponentially larger than those of ordinary people- just accumulating it all within himself.” (Chapter 17)

Murata Ugetsu’s introduction struck a chord with me right away because I recognized the feelings described all too well. So, I asked myself, what if?

 After finishing the anime, I read all the chapters of the manga mainly because I wanted to know more about this intriguing character, and I only kept finding clues that reinforced my initial assumption.

 I am hyperfixated on mental health issues, in part wanting to find characters to relate to, so here is my reading of Murata Ugetsu. I wonder if anyone came to the same conclusion as me.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is an illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behaviour. These symptoms often result in impulsive actions and problems in relationships with other people. A person with borderline personality disorder may experience episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last from a few hours to days. In general, someone with a personality disorder will differ significantly from an average person in terms of how they think, perceive, feel or relate to others.

“People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.” (Marsha Linehan, Professof of Psicology, who has BPD herself and developed the most effective therapy to date for this disorder).

There are many categories of symptoms for this disorder and I reckon Ugetsu manifests the following:

A pattern of unstable relationships swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation):

The most glaringly obvious one is, of course, the relationship with Akihiko. 

“Right after Ugetsu has been away from home for some time, there is a honeymoon phase which lasts a few days. It’s as if we have returned to the past... And then out of the blue, it happens—as if he’s saying, yes, this is a great chance—let's take this opportunity, quit being together and break for real this time. Like he is in a rush... Like I am not needed. Like—he is forcibly shutting me out from his world.” (Chapter 19)

“Him and I... We have been causing each other nothing but despair for almost two years now.” (Chapter 17)  

It’s also notable the lack of other relationships. When Mafuyu asks him, why Ugetsu was confiding in him, even though they were virtually strangers, Ugetsu replies: “Because I don’t have any friends! Perhaps, I really just wanted someone to understand... Just a little bit is enough.” (Chapter 17)

He is actually really kind towards Mafuyu, opening his home to him, freely helping him with music anytime Mafuyu wants even though he is a world-renowned musician and even letting him practice at his house while he is not there. We know he does that because he recognizes the genius in Mafuyu, but still, I think he actually would like to have friends; he probably just doesn’t know how to. We know that Akihiko was his first friend and evidently years later still the only one close to him.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger, often followed by guilt and shame:

Ugetsu gets suddenly physically violent with Akihiko two times (and a third one is implied when Haruki first saw Akihiko and he had a bruised cheekbone). He throws a glass on the floor when Mafuyu visits him because Akihiko still hasn’t come back home. He seemingly inexplicably smashes the mug Akihiko gifted him: “Around the time we had just started to live together, when he brought me my first present, somehow... I hated that very much, and I refused it saying—’I don’t want it!’ Even though it was only a mug. Back then, I should’ve just said—’I’m happy. I want to be with him.’” (Chapter 17)

I believe the last one was a dissociative episode, another symptom of BPD, a trance-like state in which one is disconnected from their own mind, body and surroundings. Then the switch turns back on and Ugetsu suddenly starts crying, crouching on the floor, staring blankly at the broken pieces and picking them up, asking himself why, just why did I do this?

The guilt and shame aspect is also shown, when after having recounted his history with Akihiko to Mafuyu, Ugetsu leans his head on the steering wheel of his car remembering everything, clearly in grief, and thinking to himself: “Really... He is a good guy, isn’t he.” (Chapter 17). Here I want to indeed praise Akihiko and underline how well he dealt with Ugetsu’s dissociative episode. He didn’t freak out and lash out at Ugetsu, calling him crazy, but instead he tried to diffuse the situation, laughing and helping Ugetsu to pick up the pieces of the broken mug. As if to say, ‘it’s okay.’

Desperate efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment:  

One way of doing this is leaving the other person before they leave you, which is exactly what Ugetsu does or tries to do. He is terrified that Akihiko will leave him definitely one day, but at the same time he actively tries to make him leave: “I’m the lowest son of a bitch towards Akihiko and I guess he resents me, y’know... But I love him to death.” (Chapter 17)

“I’ve been pushing him away but he hasn’t given up on me at all. I’ve been trying to leave him every chance I get. But it seems like I’m still not good at doing that, so... I’ve always been waiting for him to let go of me.” (Chapter 17)

“What if he never came back, just like that? I’ve thought about it countless times. Yet, I’m still not able to imagine it. Tomorrow, he might come back all of a sudden? Or maybe he won’t? But, just the same, I want this suffering to end. But on second thought, I don’t really want that. All the stuff that’s in this room right now, the thought that everything might disappear... Will nothing... Not one thing remain?” (Chapter 27)

Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self:  

It’s fair to say the core obstacle in his relationship with Akihiko. Ugetsu’s whole existence is ingrained irrevocably in music. It is what gives his life purpose and the outlet with which he deals with his too intense emotions. Which leads me to wonder what would happen if for some reason he lost music. And I am not positive he would survive that.

“After we graduated from high school—at the time, when I was actively performing as a musician... one day all of a sudden I realized, the existence of the other—was the one thing we both chased after the most in this world. As long as Akihiko is with me, I’ll be unable to become free with my music.” (Chapter 17)

Ugetsu felt as if he was losing himself and his music in his love for Akihiko, which brings to the unstable sense of self. This terrified him. Love is messy for everyone and anyone but with BPD emotions are plugged into an amplifier and dialled up to the maximum (“But for my heart to be touched like that”). He can’t deal with all of this and the fight-or-flight response is triggered and “Let’s end this already.” (Chapter 17)

Black-or-white thinking:  

People with BPD often struggle to see the complexity in people and situations and are unable to recognize that things are often not either perfect or horrible, but are something in between. This can lead to "splitting," which refers to an inability to maintain a cohesive set of beliefs about oneself and others. Ugetsu seems to be obsessed with perfection and probably to be a world-renowned violinist you need to be to a certain degree. But for example, when asked by Akihiko to come to the band’s first live, he replies with: “Is it at a level that you can show me? Ah... it’s not at a level where you can reply to me right away... then, I won’t come. There’s no point watching a performance if the performer doesn’t have the confidence to do it well.” (Chapter 8)

Ugetsu doesn’t exist in the in-betweens. There is pefection or worthlessness, love or hate, music or Akihiko.

Depression:

Ugetsu manifests many symptoms of depression.

He is either practicing the violin or sleeping. 

He seems to undereat. Almost in every panel in which they are at home, Akihiko worries about whether Ugetsu has eaten or not, and always offers to cook for him, implying that Ugetsu wouldn’t bother if left to his own devices.  

He is untidy and careless to some degree. At the violin concerto where Ugetsu is the soloist, Akihiko exclaims: “Again? That idiot... His hair is a mess.” (Chapter 15) implying that it isn’t the first time that Ugetsu appears somewhat shabby at a formal event, in which furthermore he is the star. This fact in particular surprised me because I had the impression that Ugetsu was vain.

This neglectfulness also reflects in his living space. Once Akihiko leaves, the house is in complete disarray. When Akihiko comes back to say he will move out, the debris of the glass Ugetsu smashed when Mafuyu visited are still there.

Last but not least, Ugetsu lives in a soundproofed basement in semidarkness, a fortress of solitude of sorts from the outside world.

Suicidal thoughts or threats:  

“Well, when I was a kid, I used to go to some unknown old man’s plantation on my own, and I enjoyed killing bugs by squishing them with my right hand, y’know... Then, on one clear sunny day, I happened to listen to some music playing on that old man’s radio. It was ‘In the flow of time’ by Paul Simon... Yet even though I was only a kid, I thought, wow... I want to die... It’s a good day, isn’t it? Well, there were other things too, but somehow, I wonder If I’ve basically been chasing that feeling of dying from back then...” (Chapter 21.5)

Well, this passage speaks for itself. In some capacity Ugetsu has been pondering on death, has been chasing it, since he was a small child. I think this can be linked to the BPD symptom of chronic feelings of emptiness.

Impulsive, self-destructive and sensation-seeking behaviours:  

In this category I think we can include the sleeping around in which Ugetsu engages. While not a harmful behaviour in itself, I think the motive is. Ugetsu has been systematically sleeping around for two years not because he actually wants to and it makes him feel good, but he does it to spite Akihiko and as a coping mechanism to try and get over him. This wouldn’t do good to anyone’s mental health and self-worth.

“Ugetsu and I fought all the time, even after we broke up. That... was because of his timing when it came to finding a new man... It was as though he was doing to spite me.” (Chapter 19)

Intense and highly changeable moods:

Simply, all of the above.

This is all for now. I will edit this list if future chapters will shed more light on the mind and heart of this character that I have come to care so deeply about.

[ieatmypizzawithaforkandknife]

MAG 016 - Arachnophobia

Summary: Jonathan reads the statement of Carlos Vittery, regarding “his arachnophobia and its manifestations.”

Carlos: “I. Hate. Spiders.” Me: “Cheers, I’ll drink to that bro, guess this is gonna be one of those episodes, huh.” Lo and behold, halfway through listening to this I had a mini heart attack when I thought I saw a spider in the corner of my room closest to my desk. (Spoiler alert: It was a piece of dust. I live for the scares, but I think that, like Icarus, I fly too close to the sun sometimes.)

Anyway, from here on I’ll be formatting the titles of these posts closer to how they’re written on the podcast and, from what little I’ve seen, what’s recognized by the fandom. I still feel like an outsider, being so late to things, but at least my posts won’t look as weird now.

So obviously this episode was about spiders. Well, one spider in particular - and I’ll come back to that. But first I’d like to point out that spiders have come up twice before at this point. The first (and more notable) is in episode 8, when hundreds of spiders burst out of the rotten apple that was inside the box at the base of the uprooted tree at the house on Hill Top Rd. The second was only a mention, and it was in episode 9 (the serial killer episode) when the narrator said, of the shed in her back yard, “As far as I was concerned, the sturdy wooden structure was just the home of spiders’ nests and the rusted garden tools my parents would use once a year to attack the overgrown wilderness that was our back garden.” I almost didn’t include this second one, since it’s so fleeting and seemingly innocuous, but it could indicate some kind of connection between the spiders and the creepy ritualistic murder that was being committed in that shed, which is...disturbing, to say the least.

I find it interesting that the first appearance of spiders had them coming out of a rotten apple though. In this episode, Carlos tries giving Major Tom (the cat) food, but he just sniffs at it and walks away, which Carlos points out is unusual (and any cat owner knows is unusual). At the very end, Jonathan tells us that the coroner’s report said that Carlos had “foreign organic material” blocking his throat (though we don’t have confirmation of what the “material” was) and that “his body was completely encased in web.” But spiders typically wrap their prey in silk prior to eating them. Are all of these things related to that recurring theme of bad/rotten food? I’m not sure yet.

As a sometimes-writer, I appreciated the subtle but definite escalation in the threat of the spider. First, it’s on his kitchen wall - unfortunate, since that’s the room where you go to get food, but fairly avoidable. Carlos shuts Major Tom in there for 2 hours and is none the worse for it. The second time, it’s on his TV screen. Its body was physically between him and something he was going to use, and if he wanted to watch TV he was going to be seeing that spider the whole time. And then finally it’s on the ceiling above the head of his bed. A person’s bed should be a safe and comforting place, a place where you can go to rest and rejuvenate - and this marks the end of the last remaining “safe space” for Carlos, as this thing threatens to descend on him as he sleeps. Excellent writing as always.

Building off of the idea of an escalation in the threat is the idea that there’s some kind of malicious intent in this spider’s presence. “I hate spiders, as I have said,” Carlos says at one point, “but I would have sworn that this one hated me back.” He describes it several times as staring at him, and one time describes its “mandibles twitching with anticipation”. Spiders shouldn’t be malicious, no matter how much a person might fear them or not like them. But this one is. Just like caves shouldn’t be malicious either (episode 15). The world of TMA is a scary place and I’m just glad I don’t live there lol.

Especially scary is the idea that this was all caused by an accident Carlos had when he was a child. He says that he tripped and fell into that spider and its egg sac when he was 6 - and nearly 25 years later it’s coming back to bite him in the ass. But I wonder - was there always something supernatural going on with that spider, even when he was a kid? The story he tells doesn’t have any obvious supernatural elements that I can see, and the “ghost spider” (as Jonathan calls it at the end) only appears after the Jane Prentiss worms. My first instinct would be to say that there’s nothing supernatural at all about the spider itself, and that the spider was somehow...activated, I guess?...by Jane’s presence. But I know spiders are important in the series, so right now the whole thing is a big question mark for me. Which came first, the spider or the worms?

This post is part of a series where I write my thoughts about each episode and obsessively connect dots in an effort to figure out The Big Mysteries of the series. All posts in this series are tagged “is this liveblogging?” Comments and messages are welcome but I have only listened to season 1, so I ask that you not spoil me for anything beyond episode 40. In the words of Jonny Sims…thanks for listening!

(Spoilers for the remainder of season 1 under the cut.)

So I’d like to take a moment to share with you a story about just how much of an Absolute Dumbass I am. Here we go.

I’ve been keeping an ear out for familiar names (of people and of places), so when Carlos mentions his apartment is on Boothby Rd, I did a quick mental check and, nope, don’t believe I’ve ever heard that name before. But wait, it’s in Archway? At that point I hit pause. I thought to myself, I know I’ve heard that somewhere before... Cue me looking back and seeing that’s where Harriett Lee lived in episode 6 (specifically, on Elthorne Rd), and the last known location of Jane Prentiss! Hmm...well, just how big is Archway, anyway? Are those two streets even close to each other? So I pull out a map - and would you look at that, the two roads intersect! I do a little happy dance from putting that together. Unpause. Carlos’ next words were “While nearby Elthorne Road was full of houses and gardens-”. OK, a little disappointing since they “gave” the connection away right there...but it would still take a really good memory (or in my case, really good notes) to remember Elthorne Rd being mentioned in passing 10 episodes ago, right? I no longer feel great, but I still feel pretty good about making the connection. Some 30 seconds later: “Our building had acquired something of an infestation of some sort of insect I didn’t recognize - small, silvery worms, almost like maggots, but slightly longer, and I assume that they provided a good meal for the eight-legged little monsters.” Friends...I cannot describe to you the deep, deep disappointment I felt in myself at this point. Not only had I paused the podcast and done actual research when the answers were literally in the next minute of the podcast, but I had completely forgotten the worms made an appearance at all in this episode. SMH.

[kelasparmak]

hello! might i ask for podcast recs? literally anything ! i trust your taste xxxx

Awwww, you! I’ve kept the descriptions short because there’s a LOT, but I’ve given you genre/vibe because I’m not sure which aspect of my taste you like. Also it’s still very long so sticking it under a cut.

Campaign Podcast: Always my number one rec. Improv comedians play a TTRPG and chaos predictably ensues. There’s two campaigns, Star Wars and Skyjacks, the first one is complete and the second one is ongoing – they have slightly different vibes (think TAZ Balance vs Amnesty, I guess). VERY funny and will occasionally punch you in the heart.

Wooden Overcoats: Very funny, frequently heartwarming, excellent acting. Easy to get through (there’s 3 seasons with ~8 episodes each) and even though the characters are usually very stressed and in ridiculous situations, it feels pretty low stakes to listen to so it’s a fun one for if you’re stressed.

Caravan: Western/fantasy which I don’t think is actually a comedy but is still frequently very funny. Great acting, very fun and relatable protagonist who just keeps on choosing compassion over violence. Thoughtful coverage of mental illness, being brown and queer, and sexy vampires. 18+ but not super smutty and has content warnings.

The Strange Case of Starship Iris: Sci-fi drama about revolution and found family. The plot is pretty serious and involves galaxy-level stakes, but/and the series is very much driven by very well-written and realistic human connection right from the start – it’s very good at making you-the-listener genuinely invested in what happens. Loads of queer characters and the crew has two South Asian women, an East Asian woman, a trans Jewish man, and a nonbinary character. I probably don’t need to tell you this, but the world of popular audio fiction is Pretty White, so it’s nice to see podcasts where that’s not the case esp in genre fiction.

Victoriocity: Drama/comedy set in an alternate universe London. Feels very Discworld – really inventive worldbuilding, fun twisty plot, political intrigue, hilarious deadpan narrator, great acting.

In Strange Woods: Musical about grief, trauma, and how small and powerless humans are compared to nature. Really, really good. You’ll cry. It’s  a quick listen – 5 episodes, all less than an hour long.

Oblivity: Sci-fi drama comedy, very funny, very found family. You’ll be surprised how much you care about the characters given how stupid it is.

Alice Isn’t Dead: You’ve probably been recommended this already but it bears repeating. Really well-written, acted and produced. This one’s not got a lot of humour in which isn’t usually my preference, but it’s really good. It’s got a lot of the Something’s Not Right energy of Nightvale, but goes full creepy with it. Really immersive but maybe not one you’d binge or listen to right before bed...

Greater Boston: Drama more than comedy but also deeply funny. Lots of apparently separate stories converging, clever writing (really good at giving a massive cast of characters distinct personalities), really emotionally impactful coverage of topics like grief, racial inequality, addiction, classism and more, doesn’t try to give easy answers but is also very focused on community power and optimism. Also there are cheese robots.

We Fix Space Junk: Sci-fi drama comedy, very anticapitalist, big found family feelings. Lots of fun, job-of-the-week episodic format makes it a relatively low-focus thing, even when the stakes are high it feels very safe to listen to, and the characters are v likeable (even the ones you really wouldn’t have expected).

Girl In Space: Sci-fi drama, found family and revolution, you may be noticing a pattern. It’s a lot of fun, the protagonist is super likeable and draws you in from the start. For Vorkosigan Saga fans, if you liked Shards of Honour, you’ll like this. Deals with fraught parental relationships, grief, loneliness, anti-imperialism, and more, but even though the stakes are high I didn’t find it stressful to listen to.

Death By Dying: Dark surreal drama. I don’t know if I’d call it a comedy per se but it’s very funny. Big Nightvale vibes. Deals with grief and mental illness pretty prominently, but in a very reassuring way.

The Prickwillow Papers: Fantasy drama. Lots of fun and incredible voice acting. Deals with the difficulty of letting yourself be helped, coping with guilt, and not being ‘special’. Features the most cantankerous fae you’ve ever encountered. I love her.

Middle:Below: It has GHOSTS it has CATS it has a PICARDIGAN. What more do you need to know? It’s a lot of fun to listen to, often funny and sometimes genuinely spooky (which hits all the harder for how chilled out and cosy it feels most of the time).

Mabel: Dark fantasy drama. Really poetic, well-acted, really good at suspense. Very cool modern take on changeling/fae mythology. Not much humour and very intense, which is not my thing at all, and I’ll be honest I didn’t find it an easy listen, so it took me a long time to get through it. But it’s really good and it’s definitely worth checking out, I did enjoy it, it’s just not necessarily one you’d want to de-stress to at the end of the day.

The Amelia Project: Drama/comedy about an agency that helps people fake their deaths. Great voice acting, very fun, and I really enjoy how international it is. Uses the episodic ‘client of the week’ format in combination with big picture plot in a really engaging way. Feels a bit Leverage-y especially because of how clever/absurd the plans are.

Harlem Queen: Drama set in the Harlem Renaissance. Another serious one, and deals explicitly with heavy issues including racism and violence, without much reprieve in the form of soft moments or humour. But it’s very well-made and worth a listen, and there’s not a lot of it.  

The Orphans: Sci-fi drama. Expansive space opera type show with mindblowing amounts of worldbuilding. Revolution, ethics of cloning, anticapitalist, etc. Not a comedy but has some really funny bits. You’ll need to pay attention especially because it starts off with a pretty big cast of characters who don’t refer to each other by name super often and many of them have similar voices. But don’t worry too much about that – you’ll still know what’s going on even if you can’t tell them apart for the first few episodes, and you’ll be able to tell at least some of them apart.

Midst: I’m only a few episodes in but I’m enjoying it so far! Cool worldbuilding, really interesting collaborative narration/storytelling, not a comedy per se but often funny.

I Am In Eskew: Surreal horror, mostly psychological. It’s another Nightvale-y one but again without really any of the humour. It’s really good, but I’ll be honest, I’ve only listened to about 10 episodes so far, even though I started it ages ago.

 ….and probably lots more that I’m forgetting? I listen to less stuff at the moment because I’m working pretty much all the time, so anything I need to really focus on or that’s emotionally challenging is p much out of the question.

[lailarain]

Spoilers for TBHK

TW: Mentions of s3xu@l åss@ult/@buse, $uicidə and bl00d

Episode 1:

I just finished episode 1 of Toilet-Bound Hanako-Kun(Weird title, I know), and I just have to say...

I love Hanako and Nene and I will protect them both with my life🥰

Episode 2:

WOAH Hanako wyd😳

I kinda ship Hanako and Nene tho lol don't attack me

AYO THERE'S AN EYE UNDER YOUR DESK

Wait did Hanako steal her books or was it that eye thingy🤨

The title spelt faires wrong

OH SHOOT THE SCALES

Wait NO DON'T FALL FOR IT NENE IT'S BAIT

YES MA BOI HANAKO TO THE RESCUE

Wait are Yousei from japanese legend, like yokai or oni?

Okay I DEFINITELY SHIP THESE TWO

Wait why does Hanako look kinda said when she says that

awwww Hanako🥺

Wait what is he talking about who was his friend before

Nene is awesome istg🥺

WAIT WHO IS THE BLONDE DUDE WHY IS HE LOOKING FOR HANAKO NO

"I wish a hot guy who fall out the sky for me that way" girl Hanako is literally RIGHT there

Omfg this orange hair f-boy🤨

Wait WASN'T THAT THE NAME OF HER CRUSH

Hanako just standing there like 😐

WAIT NO LEAVE HANAKO ALONE

He tried to not swear in front of her lol

HOLDUP MA PRECIOUS BABY BOI DID NOT MURDER SOMEONE WTF

HOW DARE HE SAY THAT NO ONE WANTS HANAKO AROUND

Jesus Hanako is so cute lol

I honestly can't tell if hanako is an owo boy or a bruh boy istg

OKAY CAN SOMEONE TELL WHO THIS WEIRD RADOI LADY IS AND WHY SHE KEEPS SHOWING UP AT THE END OF THE EPISODE

Episode 3:

(That one part in the intro) Step-yellow sillouette, what you doing😳

For real tho Hanako looks pretty scared during that part of the intro why are they biting his ear(maybe Hanako was a victim of s3xu@l assault?)

Wait isn't Hanako the 7th of the 7 Wonders

Okay that's kinda gross😟

Okay Aoi is pretty sweet😌

WAIT NO AOI SHE WAS TOO PRECIOUS

NO AOI BETTER NOT BE GONE

NO NOT THE BLOOD

What is she talking about he's not hot at all🤨

OH SHOOT IS HE A GHOST

Okay can minamoto leave Hanako alone🙄

Awww Hanako is half hto and half cute I might be a simp

OKAY WOAH THIS PLACE IS COOL

I mean Hanako has a good point😳

NO DON'T ANSWER IT

OKAY WOAH DON'T ASK SOME HIGH SCHOOLER TO GO COLLECT YOUR BODY PARTS NOPE

Okay WOAH how old are you exactly, Hanako?

Okay this fantasy is making me uncomfortable😀

Girl, you're already cute. You don't need to be a Miu Iruma lookalike to find love

THE BOOBS LMAOO😭😭😭😭😭

Awwww Hanako being sweet to Nene🥺

YES HANAKO SAVING THE DAY

Wait why didn't she answer his question🤨

Wait who WAS making those phone calls?

WAIT THE EPISODE IS ALREADY OVER?!?!?!?

Episode 4:

Okay but for real WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE YELLOW SILHOUETTE AND HANAKO IN THE INTRO?!?!?!

Wait I just noticed that in the part with the yellow silhouette, Hanako is tied up with rope😳

Okay here's my theory:

When Hanako was alive, he was a student at the school. He was s3xu@lly a$$aulted in the bathroom, and muđəred his attacker out of anger/mental instability, therefore cursing him to the bathroom he was assaulted in. He became a ghost to make up for his sins.

Idk I could be totally off-base

HOLY FUCK IT'S A HEAD

IT'S THE BODY LMAOOO

Wait she actually likes it🤨

HOLY SHIT EWWWWWW

WAIT WHAT NO NOT AOI

WHAT THE FUCK NOOOOOO NOT AOI

WAIT YES AOI ISN'T DEAD

Hanako is so sweet istg.

HANAKO REALLY JUST PUSHED HER OFF THE EDGE LIKE A PSYCHOPATH AJAGRKEBDUDBD

Can she not spell or something🤨

WAIT WAS THE GHOST A STUDENT OF MISAKI

Wait she had a crush on her teacher that's so gross

Oh no. The student didn't know Misaki was murdered🥺

WAIT NO THIS IS SAD

OH SHOOT THAT IS DARK

aww she misses the teacher🥺

YES HANAKO MY BOY

WAIT HANAKO NO HE'S HURT

Nene is really fed up😳

WAIT WHAT NO SHE'S GONNA DIE?!?!?!?!

Awwww poor girl🥺

Why'd she have to die😭

Little Fox is mean😑

WAIT DID HE JUST KISS HER YES BABY

WAIT WHO'S THAT GREEN-HAIR GIRL

HE FORGOT ABOUT MINAMOTO LMAOOO😭

Episode 5:

Okay BUT WHO IS GRABBING HANAKO IN THE INTRO ISTG

LMAO SHE WAS FANTASIZING😭😭😭

Okay but she's SO pretty with her in a braid

Are you sure there was NOTHING good about that😏

YES AOI MY GIRL GIVING HER GOOD ADVICE

But I doubt Hanako would admit it

WAIT DID HANAKO PLANT THAT TREE OR AM I PARANOID

I'm excited to see how THIS plays out😁

HANAKO WHAT DID YOU SAYYYYY

WAIT IS HE REALLY GONNA DO IT

WAIT ARE THESE BITCHES GAYYYYYY

Wait what if the tree curses people

GIRL ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT HANAKO ISN'T HOT AS IS!?!?!?

WAIT YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS THIS IS SO COOL

WAIT WHAT'S THE CATCH

Of course he didn't actaully mean it THIS SUCKS😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

HE'S HOLDING HER I REPEAT HE'S HOLDING HER

poor Nene

WAIT OH NO SHE'S CRYING

WAIT DOES HE ACTUALLY LIKE HER

HE'S BLUSHING WHAT

YES YES YES YES YES YESSSSSSSS

WAIT HE'S RIGHT THERE

I was right they have the same last name!

WAIT THIS BITCH BETTER NOT COME BETWEEN HANAKO AND NENE

CAN THIS BITCH SHUT UP

TERU STOP IT RN

Okay I kinda feel bad for Kou rn🥺

HOW IS HE ANY OF THOSE THINGS

Wait who is that girl🤨

YES I WANNA FIND OUT MORE ABOUT HANAKO

THE GREEN HAIR GIRL AND NATSU-SOMETHING ARE UP TO NO GOOD I CAN FEEL IT

Wait WHY WAS HANAKO SMILING

I have a bad feeling about this.

Episode 6:

Yeah Hanako really seems like the good guy🤨

WOAH what's up with the door?

I love the Mokkes🥺

It's her book😶

WOAH OKAY THEN SHE REALLY IS IN LOVE

WAIT WHY IS THERE BLOOD

HOLDUP HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT

HANAKO MA BOI

WOAH OKAY YES HE'S HOLDING HER

DID HE JUST EAT THE BUTTERFLY

God I love Hanako

WAIT YOU'RE GONNA CANCEL THE WHAT NOW

Ooooooo I wanna heae some juicy secrets😏

Girl, that secret wasn't juicy at all🙄

Wait what does the library ghost know🤨

SAY SOMETHING HANAKO YES

He's so cute tho

BUT I LOVE DONUTS TOO HOW IS THAT JUICY

HANAKO YOU WERE LOOKING REAL PROTECTIVE OF HER THEN😏😏😏

I feel bad for Nene because they keep saying her legs are fat, as if the boys that say that are gonna get any better. NENE IS A FREAKIN CATCH😤😤😤

Wait what is he talking about Hanako😶

WAIT HE IS TALKING ABOUT HANAKO, ISN'T HE

WAIT HANAKO WAS HIS STUDENT HE'S SO CUTE

Awwwww Hanako🥺🥺🥺🥺

WAIT HANAKO ISN'T EVEN HIS NAME!??!?!? IT'S YUGI?!?!?!?

Awwwww Hanako🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Wait, so did Hanako commit $uicidə, or am I just paranoid?

Wait so that means that happened on the day of July 15, 1969.......SO HOW OLD IS HANAKO AGAIN?!?!?!?!?

WAIT SO HE NEVER GOT HIS DREAM TO COME TRUE BECAUSE HE DIED THAT'S SO SAD

Wait so am I right DID HE REALLY COMMIT $UICIDƏ ?!?!?!?

I THINK HANAKO SMELLS A SNITCH

Man this is a lot to unpack for just one episode

Episode 7:

I love how childish Hanako is

WAIT I SAW THE YELLOW SILOUETTE THING AGAIN AND I HAVE A THOUGHT:

What if Hanako got those bruises because of the səxua| ass@ult thing I said before? That would make sense.

Idk maybe I'm just too obsessed with that theory

I see Hanako differently after the Library too, but in a different way.

What why the donuts?

He's totally lying. I bet he's gonna make some for Hanako🥺

Okay but Kou is actually pretty sweet

I mean, if he DID murder someone who bullied him, they had it coming for touching my precious Hanako😤

Yous shouldn't stop being friends with someone just because it's complicated. ALL friendships are complicated. It isn't supposed to be easy.

Awwww Nene🥺🥺🥺

Okay I'm kinda hungry for donuts now

Ugh it's Teru🙄

Okay KOU YOU'RE ACTUALLY PRETTY COOL

Okay Teru YOU SUCK SO MUCH

SO ARE THE GREEN HAIR AND NASTU-SOMETHING BIY EVIL OR NOT I'M SO CONFUSED

Hanako is so cute sometimes istg

POOR HANAKO OOF

YES NENE😤😤

THEY ARE BLUSHING I REPEAT THEY ARE BLUSHING

"You're totally not my type" okay first of all that is bullshit and second of all get yourself a boy who's chill when you say you don't like them

OKAY WHAT'S GOING ON

HE'S GOLDING HER

Wait why does Hanako look terrified that's not good

HOLDUP WHO DID HE KILL WHY IS THERE AN AD RIGHT WHEN IT'S ABOUT TO SAY WHO HE KILLED

WOAH WHO THE FUCK IS THAT WHY DO THEY LOOK LIKE HANAKO WHAT IS GOING ON AHDVEKDVEIDVDJ

GET YOUR HAND OFF OF HIS FACE THIS GUY TOTALLY $EXU@LLY @SSAULTED HIM

YES NENE PROTECT YOUR MAN

HOLY SHIT HE'S BURNING

DID HE REALLY JUST RE-TRAUMATIZE HANAKO AND THEN LEAVE?!?!?!?

WAIT WHAT IS HANAKO DOING

WAIT HE'S CRYING

HANAKO WHAT'S WRONG

I WANNA GIVE HANAKO A HUG SO BADLY ISTG

WAIT SO THERE'S THE ONES CHANGING THE RUMORS?

OKAY WHO IS THIS BITCH

Wait THAT'S HIS BROTHER WHY DID HE KILL HIS BROTHER

This partially denies the possiblity of my theory(MOSTLY denies it), but not entirely. There's a big chance I'm wrong.

WAIT SO SAKURA IS THE ONE DOING THE RADIO THING?!?!?!

WAIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

Hanako🥺🥺🥺🥺

I have a feeling that that is probably jsut a random student😅

Hanako, I hate it when you're sad😭😭😭

WAIT SO HIS EARRING WAS FOR TRAFFIC SAFETY THE WHOLE TIME LMAOOOOO

OKAY WOAH BACK UP GHOST-PERSON

KOU IS NOT A M0ŁƏ$TER

Wait that was the whole episode?

Episode 8:

Okay the person @ssaulting(maybe even $exua||y @$$aulting idk I think I'm just obsessed with that theory) in the intro is definitely his brother

Mitsuba is kinda weird and annoying, but also funny at the same time

Excuse me Traffic safety is no joke😐

WAIT SO HE KNEW MITSUBA AND JUST FORGOT?!?!?!?

Awwww Mitsuba🥺🥺🥺🥺

No Mitsuba you're cool

KOU WHAT THE F ARE YOU SAYING

AWWWWW THIS IS SO SWEET

MITSUBA I SEE YOU BLUSHING😏😏😏😏

MITSUBA NOOOOOOOOOO

TSUKASA STOP IT

NO POOR MITSUBA STOP IT

HOW DARE THEY

NOOOOOO MITSUBA AAAAAAAA

OKAY IMA BOUT TO THROW HANDS WITH TSUKASA, WHO'S WITH ME😤😤😤😤

TSUKASA YOU SICK SEDUCER STOP LYING TO MITSUBA

NOOOOOOOOO MITSUBA

POOR HANAKO LEAVE HIM ALONE TSUKASA

Okay "Let's play together like we used to" really sounds like $exu@l @$$ault

Kou🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Awwww Hanako🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

NO THIS ISN'T THE WAY MITSUBA SHOULD GO OUT NO

I'm am so close to crying rn

OH KOU JUST REALIZED WHAT HE WAS TAKING A PHOTO OF AWWWWW

Okay wow all of that really happened in one episode

Episode 9:

I'm sorry that I won't shut up about my theory BUT THAT ONE PART REALLY LOOKS LIKE WHAT I THINK IT IS I SWEAR

I feel so bad for Hanako rn tho

Omfg It's Natsuhiko🙄

Nene stop it this dude is BAD NEWS

WAIT NO THEY BETTER NO DO ANYTHING TO MY PRECIOUS NENE ISTG

I HAVE THE SAME QUESTIONS, NENE

FRIENDS MY ASS

(To be continued here because I ran out of space)

[ryttu3k]

Doing those ship meme questions only it's the new OT3 (Beckett/Sascha/Ilias) because they're my main source of serotonin these days. Occasional appearances from Anatole and Lucita, too.

Not doing all, but there are A Lot.

1. Who's the one who's reckless and always getting into trouble while the other gotta pull em out

Beckett and Sascha actually do have a lot of braincells between them but none of them are in use for 'can sense danger'. Ilias has gained some minor common sense since his 'hey, I'm going to ask our Antediluvian for power to help face its favourite childe oh whoops I am possessed' thing and is usually the one sighing fondly and saving their asses.

2. Who's the one to send the other "I love my gf/bf" memes

Ilias. 100% Ilias. He would go out in public in a shirt saying 'I <3 Sascha' and calling them ‘my flower’ while Sascha is just pleased they can't blush any more.

3. Who's the one who listens to a music genre the other doesn't like and how does the other react

God their music tastes are all over the place. Sascha is over a thousand years old and has seen and heard A Lot. They consider the Romantic period 'modern music'. Beckett is similar albeit with about 350 years of it. Ilias got hurled from 1233 to 2004 and after a period of ??? went, "Oh, Romanian music!" and it was. Dragostea Din Tei. Like can you imagine one moment it’s 1233 and the next moment you are listening to Dragostea Din Tei. Also thanks to the language drift they only caught about a quarter of the words so it was this whole thing where he almost, almost was understanding it but the rest was just, “...what.” And that’s how Ilias discovered modern music.

Anyway yeah they’ve pretty much decided that their collective music tastes are so disparate no one is allowed to comment on them.

4. Which one spoils the other more and do they ever get competitive to show the other more love

Honestly, they all kind of spoil each other, albeit in different ways. Like Ilias will just randomly pop a handmade flower crown on Sascha’s head. Beckett will occasionally find an extremely rare book on his desk and know Sascha found it for him. Beckett always tells Sascha first when he’s found something cool so they can be the first to investigate it. And they absolutely get competitive, yeah.

5. How many years did it take to get married or was it just not for them

Sascha and Ilias have a mutual blood bond, which is more or less the equivalent of thus. Beckett has a mutual bond with Anatole, but he and Sascha have a level-2 bond.

7. Are their friends/family supportive

 Honestly, uh, Sascha and Ilias don’t really have anyone else. Beckett’s companions tend to range from, “They’re terrifying but I trust your judgment :D” (Anatole) to “hahahahahaha if Vykos harms one hair on Beckett’s head I’ll end them” (Lucita) to “WHY” (Aristotle, Okulos, most others tbh).

8. How does one comfort the other when the other is in distress/having a panic attack/crying

Sascha is the one most prone to panic attacks because trauma is a bitch and basically just... Beckett and Ilias both respond by with hugging/gentle restraint (if they’re okay with touch) or by giving them space and doing things like running a hot bath when they’re touch-averse.

9. Which one dissociates

Honestly Sascha spent most of 1234 to 2006 lowkey dissociating, which is fair when there’s literally another essence fused to yours. Post-Dracon, they still get the occasional dissociative episode, but it’s much easier to bring them back to themself.

10. Which one stares at the other's booty like “damn” and how does the other react when catching them

All three tbh. Beckett stares at Sascha, Sascha either gets a bit self-conscious or a bit ;) , depending on mood. Sascha stares at both Beckett and Ilias and gets a bit embarrassed when caught (Beckett will laugh it off, Ilias will basically be ;D). Ilias stares at both and is completely shameless about it because he may no longer be on the Path of Pleasure but he’s absolutely not going to feel ashamed for admiring his gorgeous lovers.

11. When they live together what kinda place do they live in? What does their home look like?

Beckett and Sascha travel too much for one place, honestly, and Ilias accompanies them a lot. They do have a few houses scattered throughout the world, though, including one in the Carpathians (nowhere near Brasov, tyvm). Not really as big as the monastery, it’s mostly like... big library, a few comfortable places to sleep or rest, Ilias likes having a garden these days and grows a lot of flowers.

12. What do their dates look like

Museum heists.

13. How does each act when getting drunk

Ilias gets even more handsy. Actually he can get to be a bit of a pain, but he does listen immediately if one of them tells him to tone it down. Beckett gets very enthusiastic and fired-up and a bit more feral and he’s gonna go find Enoch right now and prove Caine wasn’t real once and for all. Sascha, uh, tends to get a bit emotional and also very talkative, but can literally like. Talk their way into minor breakdowns. Basically less barriers.

14. Which one rolls over in the morning evening to wake up the other one just to kiss them

All three :3

15. Have they saved each other's lives before

Yup!

Ficverse-wise, Sascha did also save Ilias from becoming a bogatyr to the Eldest, although that was also Sascha and Beckett both saving themselves by being emotionally honest. Yeah XD

16. Does one have an interest the other think is weird but wants to listen to it regardless

Ilias’ spirituality conflicts a bit with Beckett’s... atheism, I guess? Like he’s definitely not sure he believes in the spirits that Ilias regularly works with as a Koldun, but he’s willing to keep a relatively open mind. (He’s a bit less open-minded in Sascha’s belief in - and support of - Caine, given that he’s literally based his career around the metaphor theory!)

17. Which one uses cropped hentai as reaction images

Sascha.

They have troll tendencies, okay.

18. Does one of them kinkshame the other

There is absolutely no kinkshaming here. Listen Ilias was a Priest of Jarilo. Sascha was once on the Path of Pleasure too. Beckett seduced Dracula for information then forgot to ask his question. They’re all very open about everything.

There may be teasing about the odd hobby or interest but it’s pretty lighthearted.

19. Is one of them self conscious about their body? If so how does the other comfort them

Beckett occasionally has Moments over his hands and worries about hurting Sascha or something. They basically respond by being like “are you kidding the claws are hot as hell”. On occasion, Beckett will get one of them to Vicissitude them down if he wants to use his hands more, although they’ll regrow and be achey for a night or two afterwards.

20. Say they were cuddling on the bed while listening to record player playing the background. Which song is playing?

Honestly I want to say Third Eye by Florence + the Machine just for fic reasons. When I was writing Mantle I saw it very much as Beckett towards Sascha, but it fits with Ilias towards them as well.

I have no idea how they would have discovered F+tM but anyway.

23. What kinda joyrides do they go on? Relaxing ones or wild ones?

It. I imagine it usually involves police chases. When it doesn’t Beckett will occasionally go wolf so he can stick his head out the car window like :P

Shh don’t tell anyone.

25. Do people ever get annoyed of their pda

God probably. One of the main exceptions is Anatole, who’ll basically go, “Oh! Are we cuddling?” and flop on top of Beckett.

27. Which one’s the red, which one’s the blue

They’re all red. Fear. Ilias is probably closest to blue.

28. Are either of them mentally ill, if so how do they help one another cope

Sascha has both PTSD (from Symeon and Michael, and from the Eldest) and C-PTSD (from being bound to the Dracon for literal centuries). Also depression and anxiety, which are... pretty common with those. See question 8 for some of the coping methods, the rest is just... taking each day as it comes. Like they’ve lived a very long time, but they only got free of the Dracon in 2006, so it’s still a very new thing.

Ilias has some trauma from some of the things he’s had to do to survive since waking up with the Thirst of Ages, and gets into guilt spirals on occasion. He mostly focuses on Path of Nocturnal Redemption methods to work through it; he’s kind of adverse to anyone seeing him vulnerable like that. He knows Sascha has done some awful shit, but they weren’t themself at the time so Ilias feels it doesn’t count, and Beckett is like, Humanity 6? He just doesn’t get it, so Ilias keeps it to himself.

Beckett has an odd, acquired one - his experiences in Jerusalem left him with the ability (if it could be called an ability!) to occasionally hear the Cobweb (the Malkavian Madness Network). While his connection isn’t nearly as strong as an actual Malkavian’s, he does get odd flashes of Insight; less helpfully, it can occasionally get, uh, loud in his head. This tends to ramp up a bit with proximity to Malkavians, so when he’s around Anatole, Anatole will help him filter the voices and thoughts out by teaching him meditation techniques. (Given that Anatole - correctly - feels responsible for Beckett being afflicted thus, he wants to make sure it doesn’t hit his lover too badly.)

29. Does one have a spot on them where they would melt when the other kisses them there

Give Beckett head scritchies and he’ll turn into a puddle :3

34. Are they a reckless couple or safe

*loud, prolonged laughter*

37. Do they get into fights often? If so what do they fight over and how do they make up?

Sascha and Ilias are usually... very chill; if they argue, it’s over the other’s safety, like Ilias wanting to do something reckless and Sascha being very much ‘please do not’. Sascha and Beckett argue a bit more, although thankfully they have now stopped trying to literally kill each other XD When they do, it’s usually ideological, related to Gehenna, Caine, et cetera. Sascha is still very much a part of the Sabbat, and Beckett is, well, basically an atheist.

40. Who would fight in honor for the other if someone would insult them

All three tbh. Here’s a fun bit from the novel:

Still really dig this bit from BJD, too!

No misgendering on Beckett’s watch!

42. How would one react if the other was to die

Uh.

Poorly.

Like most of Sascha’s sanity slippage was due to the Dracon’s essence being fused to their own and just how the Eldest... did that, but a good part of it was absolutely due to Ilias’ death.

43. Who dies first

...canonically, Ilias XD;;

It’s okay he gets better.

[majesticnerdynerd]

Author Interview Tag

I was tagged by @iris-best-taken-in-small-doses, thank you for tagging me! <3

Name: Vee

Fandoms: Primarily Sherlock BBC, but also RDJ Holmes, Harry Potter, and the Fallout games universe, plus Supernatural and bits of Doctor Who which I’ve seen and liked

Where you post: Ao3, I love this site

Most popular multi-chapter fic: So far it’s my first ever published fic from earlier of this godforsaken year, Harry Potter and the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, which has just a few days ago surpassed 2k hits. It’s a crossover between HP/SH, and I must admit I do neglect it a little because I have a second fic I publish, which brings us to....

Favourite story you’ve written till date: Definitely Reichenbach Falls. I speed-wrote the first 8-and-a-bit episodes over the course of 2 months while also studying for transfer exams, and I keep my pace up and it is my main focus at the moment. It’s also the most ambitious crossover I’m attempting, because it is the Holy Trinity of SuperWhoLock, and a Gravity Falls AU, so it offers a lot of lore I am proud that I came up with. It has its own challenges I like to tackle, especially when it comes to intertwining characters from numerous TV shows to coherently worked together, plus their character arcs and character developments that are to come. I hide easter eggs here and there and put some of my soul into it, so it is very dear to me. I think I am doing the job adequately so far, but time will tell. :) I do love HPatAoSH, because it is my first fic ever and I am still excited about it, but I put it on the backburner and procrastinate on the chapters I post usually

Fic you were nervous to post: Both my big series, really. One never knows what reception they’re going to get, and we all hope to get the characters to interact just right. The HP crossover because it has two timelines that later intertwine in 1997 when the Golden Trio asks the Baker Street Dumbass Detective Duo for help and I need to make certain corrections in some earlier chapters. Reichenbach Falls because it is SuperWhoLock and as I said, it’s huge, 3 parts in 1 work, so 300 chapters give or take in total, and I hope to do my best with everyone’s characterisation.

How you choose your titles: Depends. HP/SH was a bit self-explanatory, and I think it fits well into the AU and foretells what’s up in a sense that you know who is involved and if you know both fandoms, you get a whiff of a couple shenanigans. Reichenbach Falls was a bit difficult to name and I stalled on it, but then on one hot summer day that I spent cowering inside the house like the pale gremlin I am, I thought hm,,,,, the show is called Gravity Falls, but I can’t use that of course. And then I remembered that Reichenbach is a thing, the waterfall is in canon as well and BAM - Reichenbach Falls. It’s all more about a sudden epiphany than hard thinking, it comes by itself. 

Do you outline: Yes, but do I stick to it? Nah. I do write steps for each episode for RF, but those serve only as a mild reminder of what the end goal is, and I wing the rest to my standard. It works well so far. With HP/SH, I just wing it and rely on the past chapters because as I mentioned, I’m a sorrowful procrastinator on this one for now. My outlines are general which gives me space to improvise and improve on the run, which I like, it doesn’t restrict me in any self-induced way, so I prevent mental blocks nicely. 

Complete: Living Musical, which is a one-shot I wrote for Steph from inevitably-johnlocked. Fluffy, too! And it needs revision because I wrote it in 4 hours until it was 1am and I have no recollection of that evening anymore. And... god, I need to fix the typos. *facepalms*

In Progress: HP/SH crossover and Reichenbach Falls I linked above already. They’re plenty to take care of :D

Coming soon/not yet started: this is what I am excited about! I have a new AU in mind, either some postapocalyptic wasteland AU, but most probably also an AU of the game Fallout: New Vegas at the same time (it’s basically the same concept). I have the basic plot in mind and down, and ohhhhh guysssss I really like it. I’d also like to make it an interactive fic where the readers may choose which factions John and Sherlock could join, which would affect the ending of the fic, much like what happens in the game, but I’m not decided on this. But there is great potential, I think, though I need to make a big mindmap and brainstorm all that would need to be involved, so there’s lots of lore to consider (which I already got started on). It would be another huge fic, and I plan to write at least half of all that could be published before sending it to ao3, possibly. We will see, but you can see how my mind is overworking itself already... >:) it looks quite badass (but that’s just me so far), and its working name is Fallout: New London. Actually, there’s a prologue and first two chapters that are constant (meaning that it is firmly locked to the AU and can’t be influenced by choices) and in progress already and semi-drafted because I am a psycho like that, but no details yet! I have no self-control.. but yeah, this is the biggest one I’m excited about out of all the fics my mind invents.

Do you accept prompts: ehhhh, maybehaps? I don’t know. Probably not at the moment, maybe in a year or so. I like the idea of doing Christmas prompts, so maybe in 300 days approximately, who knows?

Upcoming story you are most excited to write: Currently, it stays on Reichenbach Falls and its 2 later seasons, because that’s when things get real >:)) also Fallout: New London. so much johnlock in sight.

Upcoming story you are most excited about: Due to my lack of time at the present moment, I nowadays mostly revisit some comfort fics if I feel like shit, but I do keep my eye out on @iris-best-taken-in-small-doses‘ The Corvus That Calls at Night. I am subscribed to the ao3 profile so once it an email popped up and I saw ‘medieval’ and all the other priceless tags (pls check them out I love them) I went oo >:D I am merely waiting for my holiday spirit to kick in fully so I can put my feet up and catch up to my reading; there’s also @simplyclockwork‘s Hired Gun I keep my eyes on, and I patiently wait for @jbaillier‘s Messages From Deep Waters -- I remember that back in August(?) she posted a post about doing research on sea fish and how to gut them? Not sure on the English word or if I’m correct at all right now, but hmmm Scotland staged AU, I like that. Also her You Go To My Head stories that are coming, I love them dearly, and I am so excited there’s going to be more Medical Husbands content :’) 

[untoldblisses]

20 questions

I was tagged by the ever so lovely @sielustaja, thank you as always.

1. What do you prefer to be called namewise? Anika. This is my real name. Don’t try to track me down unless you wanna hold hands.

2. When is your birthday? October 29th

3. Where do you live? Germany

4. Three things you are doing right now? I’m just filling out this questionaire. I don’t like doing multiple things simultaneously.

5. Four fandoms that have peaked your interest? Supernatural, Hannibal, Doctor Who, Good Omens

6. How has the pandemic been treating you? Occasional feelings of loneliness and annoyance put aside, not too badly actually. No one I know personally had to be hospitalised, no deaths, my super secure job was never in danger, so I guess compared to a lot of other people I can count myself really lucky.

7. A song you can’t stop listening to right now? Yesterday morning while brushing my teeth I suddenly remembered the song “...but home is nowhere” by AFI which I probably hadn’t listened to in 10 years but have listened to about 25 times since.

8. Recommend a movie.  Oh I don’t know. The Sound of Metal. Roma. The Florida Project. I haven’t really watched a lot of movies lately.

9. How old are you? 39, can you believe it? I personally can’t.

10. School, university, occupation, other? Public sector employee. Sitting at a desk all day. Boring.

11. Do you prefer heat or cold? I prefer a nice 24°C but if I had to choose between extreme heat or extreme cold, probably cold.

12. Name one fact others may not know about you. I honestly can’t think of anything interesting.

13. Are you shy? Hm. Sometimes. It very much depends on my mood or the mental state I’m in. As a child and teenager and way into my twenties I was very shy. These days I don’t really consider myself shy anymore. Quiet, sure. Socially awkward and insecure in some situations? Definitely. But shy, no, not really. However, sometimes I slip into a mindset where my “inner child” takes over and then I am convinced that I am shy and weird and unlikeable and as a result I then act as if I were shy, if that makes any sense? But when I am in a good mood or going through a more “manic” episode (it’s not really mania more like how a normal person feels I guess haha) then I’m not shy.

14. Preferred pronouns? She/her or they/them.

15. Biggest pet peeves? People walking really slowly in front of me in the middle of the sidewalk, strangers who don’t know about the concept of personal space, talking shit about/making fun of people behind their backs (even if it’s just strangers that will never know about it or even celebrities), people who think they are better than others

16. What is your favourite “dere” type? I have not the slightest idea what this means. I only know deer 🦌

17. Rate your life from 1-10. I’d say 7.

18. What’s your main blog? @speedingintonowhere

19. List your sideblogs and what they’re used for. Well, this is obviously a side blog though I wish it weren’t. Then there’s @iwanttogotoiceland where, you guessed it, I (very rarely these days) reblog pictures of Iceland. And then there’s @collectinglemons where I reblog some adult stuff that a) I don’t want to bother my regular followers with who definitely didn’t ask for that kind of content and b) I am afraid I might get flagged for. Eh. Feel free to follow me on there though if you like.

20. Is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends? Just let yourself be suprised :)))

Yeah, you know how I feel about tagging but anyway: @tenok @vintagedean @amill22 @musicheartbeat @cassandraleeds (feel free to ignore though 💙) and anyone who wants to do it (please tag me if you do)

[ourloveisforthelovely]

To the Ends of the Earth 9

Supernatural 

A/n: OOC Gabriel 

Link to Chapter 8

Pairings: Gabriel x Reader

________

In front of you stood Adam…

You stood motionless as you looked at your twin with surprised eyes. It had been too long since you had seen your twin. For years you had blamed yourself for the way that your mother and brother had died. It didn’t matter how many times Sam or Dean said that it wasn't your fault, it was always “your fault.”

“Adam.” 

He smiled. 

“Hi Y/n. I have missed you.” 

You didn’t wait a moment longer before taking off to your brother and wrap your arms around him. Adam held you back and pressed his face into your hair

“How are you here?”

You asked as you reached up to cup his face. Adam smiled before glancing over his shoulder at Dean. 

“They helped. That is all that matters. How have you been?”

You thought about telling Adam everything but decided against it. The last thing that you really wanted to do was scare Adm with the past few years of your life. You hadn’t even thought of how you were going to tell him that you were dating an archangel. That was going to be an experience in itself! Internally, you winced. Sam and Dean didn’t take it well. Why in the world would Adam take it decently? 

“Things are great now!” 

Adam took your hand and led you to the couch. He sat down beside you and didn’t let go of your hand. 

“Tell me everything that you have been up to.”

You thought about your words carefully. Adam didn’t like it at all when you chose to go with John Winchester. He about hit the ceiling when you dropped the last name Milligan and went to Winchester.

“Y/n?”

You looked up when Sam said your name. Gabriel stood in the hallway watching you with Adam. His amber eyes were locked on the way that Adam held your hand. You sighed as Adam frowned. Even if Gabriel didn’t know who you were exactly to him at the moment, you knew that look...jealousy. 

“Gabriel.”

You said his name softly before standing up. The last thing that you wanted was for Gabriel to lose his temper and throw you across the room. Even in his right mind, Gabriel wouldn’t have been thrilled to walk in and see you holding another man’s hand. 

Gabriel’s eyes flickered to yours as he gave you the most insolent frown ever. You held your hands up and gave him a soft smile. 

“Come here. It's okay.” 

You said softly. Maybe if you kept your tone gentle everything would be alright. Gabriel looked between Adam and yourself. He glared at Adam and in the moment you prayed that Gabriel wouldn’t figure out that he had archangel powers. 

“Gabriel, please.”

You said again. Gabriel’s attention turned back to yours before slowly walking in your direction. You smiled and reached out for his hand. Gabriel immediately backed away and left you shaking your head. Before the accident, you had made so much progress with the archangel. You could touch him whenever you wanted now. There were sometimes he would shrink away but it was becoming less and less. The more Gabriel stayed on earth the better his reactions to human contact was coming. 

“I’m sorry. Here it's okay. You know it's me. Well, I wish you did.”

You said the last past sadly. Gabriel finally stepped a bit closer to you but would not make any kind of move to touch you. 

“This is my brother. He’s like Sam and Dean are. His name is Adam.” 

Adam, meanwhile, frowned and glanced at his older brothers. Both Sam and Dean were looking at their feet awkwardly. Dean finally looked back up. 

“Y/n, why don’t you take Gabriel and get him settled? Whatever it is you do and sweet Jesus I don’t want to know.” 

You nodded and motioned for Gabriel to follow you back to your room. Stopping at Dean you gave him a scowl. 

“Sex is off the menu right now. In case you haven’t noticed, he is scared to death of me. I could say boo and he would probably hide for weeks. Grow up.” 

Dean waited until your bedroom door closed before he turned his attention back to Adam. 

“Well, welcome.” 

Adam stood and motioned down the hallway. 

“What in the hell was that?” 

Dean glanced over at Sam. They were both mentally doing rock paper scissors on who was going to tell Adam that his twin was in love with an archangel (an archangel that had totally lost his marbles but an archangel all the same). Finally, Dean sighed and decided it would be him. He was the oldest brother, time to do the rough part. 

“That is her boyfriend.”

Adam frowned. 

“What’s wrong with him?”

Dean walked into the kitchen before coming back with a beer. He handed it to Adam before motioning to the table. 

“ You’re going to need this. We sure as hell have.” 

Adam followed his older brothers to the table and sat down. Dean took a sip of his beer before meeting Adam’s questioning gaze. 

“Okay kid...do you want the rough part or the easy part first?”

Adam shrugged. 

“By the way that you two are acting it looks like none of it is going to be easy.” 

Sam nodded. 

“Good observation.  Adam, Gabriel is an archangel. He and Y/n have been seeing each other for a long time...apparently. We didn’t know because she kept everything from us…”

“That is until she ran off with him.”

Dean supplied. Adam frowned. 

“Is this some weird joke?”

Dean motioned to the hallway. 

“Go ask Y/n if you don’t believe us. She is the one that fell in love with him. I don’t know how or why. Neither one of them apparently want or have any idea how to talk about how they got together in the first place. To be honest, I don’t really want to know because...gross. All that I know is Y/n is happy. As much as I want to barf seeing them together...I’m not making her end whatever they have. It's good to see her happy for once....” 

Adam sat for a good few moments digesting everything. It really seemed like some weird ass joke but given his family's history; it probably wasn’t. Now he had to take in the fact that his sister, his other half, was dating something that could easily kill her...not to mention something that was millions of years older than her.

“So what’s wrong with him?”

Sam sighed. 

“His brothers aren’t happy that he is dating a human. They apparently wiped his memory and he is almost vegetable like right now. We are working on fixing him but it isn’t going so well.” 

Adam took a sip of his beer before turning to Dean. 

“Do you have anything stronger than this?”

Dean chuckled and stood up. 

“You bet I do.” 

When Dean walked out of the room, Adam turned to Sam. 

“So Y/n is just going to sit around and baby this guy for the rest of eternity?”

Sam shrugged. 

“As long as it takes. I wouldn’t even try talking her out of it. You’ll just be wasting your time.” 

Adam rolled his eyes. Screw that mess. He was definitely going to be having a talk with you! You needed to get your head out of whatever romance novel that you were stuck in and come back to reality! As far as  Adam was concerned, he was going to be on your case until you broke up with the archangel. There was going to be no more dating angels once Adam got his say! 

“That isn’t going to work.” 

Adam spun around as Castiel came out of the shadows with a frown on his face. 

“Yeah? Why not? She’s going to listen to me.”

Adam sneered. Cas didn’t back down. He didn't have time to deal with Adam at the moment. His plate was full as it was and dealing with some kid with a vendetta just wasn’t happening. 

“Y/n has seen Gabriel’s wings.”

Adam frowned. 

“Yeah, so?”

“You don’t know what that means?”

Cas asked. Adam shook his head as Dean returned with two glasses of whiskey. Dean put the cup down before taking a shot of his own drink.

“It means we can’t break them up.”

Adam leaned back in his chair as Cas sat down across from him. 

“It means that she is his soul mate. If you try to keep them apart, when Gabriel comes back to his senses...you are going to be number 1 on his list. I wouldn’t tangle with an archangel if I were you.”

Adam stood up and rubbed his hands over his eyes. This was the most horrible thing that he could have imagined happening. He was expecting to come back and the two of you just pick up where leaving off. You could be brother and sister again...best friends. Now he knew that nothing could be what it was because nothing was the same. 

“Son of a bitch!” 

(meanwhile) 

You sat across from Gabriel as he stared off into space. Sighing, you wanted nothing more than to reach out and stroke one of his loose curls away from his face. This would be a hell of a moment, to have your actual boyfriend back! 

“You don’t have to worry about Adam. He’s my brother and this isn’t an episode of Game of Thrones.”

Gabriel’s attention turned to you as he looked at you curiously. You smiled. 

“That got your attention.” 

Gabriel only blinked a few times. You were struggling. Struggling was a light word to use at the moment.You were so close to losing it that if there was one more slight inconvenience; you would probably break out in tears. 

“Gabriel, I wish that you could talk...or know who I am...anything. I am trying so hard to help you and I feel like I am not getting anywhere. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love you though. I love you so much...if I have to spend the rest of forever trying to fix you I will but I am going to need some help from you too. All I know is, when I get my hands on your brothers...it isn’t going to be pretty. Hell, you’ll probably get mad at me for what I am going to do to them…” 

Gabriel reached out and took your hand in his. He stroked the palm of your hand slowly. 

“I think somewhere in there you know where I am.”

Gabriel’s honey eyes rolled back to yours before giving you a small smile. He didn’t let go of your hand before moving his fingers into the shape of sign language letters. You frowned before following along slowly. He couldn’t speak a word but could remember how to do sign language. You would take it! At the moment, you would take anything that he had to give you. 

“Pretty girl.” 

You said with a smile when his hand stopped moving. Gabriel nodded before continuing to stroke your hand. You couldn’t fight the smile that spread across your face. Looking back up, you met Gabriel’s face. Just that little bit was enough to renew your very weak faith in some kind of miracle. 

“We’ll figure it out.” 

_____

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