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syubub · 4 years

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2021 Reading for BTS and the collective!!

Wow wow wow! I didn't disappear or get dragged away by a demon. No no, I just got thrust into unexpected shadow work and I now have an unhealthy obsession with sea shanties and a love of pasta.

I had this idea planned to be early in January but that didn't pan out so I'm doing it now. I have another yoongi reading in the works and another fun thing coming soon as well!!

I promise I won't bore you to death any longer but I hope you've all been doing well!!

Disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken as fact.

If this message doesn't apply, let it fly!

Cool cool cool.

Let's get it.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Oki. I first want to say that this I gonna be long lol. I did a meditation and gathered some little pieces of things y'all might need to hear and then I pulled cards for every month. The fountain tarot deck is the cards for us, the collective, and the rider-waite cards are for bts. It'll make more sense when I add picks and stuff. I did a little extra card pull for yoongi for the month of May too :) I'll make sure to type out all the cards in text so you know what they are (the pics are kinda wack.) I also used my pendulum to ask if there was a bts related event for every month and that's at the bottom. It's just to take in the possible energy for the month and something that could result from that energy!

LETTUCE BEGIN (hehe)

Starting with the section for the channeled messages. I want to reiterate that this was collective so if it doesn't resonate with you, the message might not be for you! Use your intuition.

(Enough talking. Damn)

So. As I said this was through meditation and connecting to the big column tree thing (I told my cousin about the tree/pillar and they were like,, "so basically a big energy dildo in the æther?" .... I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. h e l p m e) and asking if there was any messages or advice that needed to be delivered and it was... intresting?

Things came fragmented. So there was little messages like, "Its gonna be okay" and "things are changing for everyone" and "open your eyes if you want to see" (that's sassy.) There was one particular thing that was confusing me though. Straight up it was just "flower" on repeat and like a really bad picture of a flower? Like you could tell what it was but it was bad quality. Anyway, I was like "okay. Kindly shut the fuck up. Pls." And I wrote down flower, pink flower and rose. Sooo.... idk but there you go.

More messages were things like, "the block isn't in your head", "try calling forth that which you seek" and... February. Possibly there is specific (very very very loose) connection to the 10th-19th? I'm not to sure what or why but I'd say maybe look out for opportunities on these days and also maybe external events.

Continuing with dates. In the last this 21 and January 21 came up. It came up again but with 2 messages. So first, either 21st is a day where something is put into motion (possibly private or public) or announced and the second was "add them together dumbass" that's not very kind but 3. Again this has been discussed too but but but... maybe a signal of a third mixtape 👀 (not necessarily on the 21st per say but possibly in March? I'm really not sure).

Oki. I got side tracked like I always do and started thinking about tattoos and stuff and I really want koo to have a peony tattoo. I feel it in my BONES. It would suit him so well. and as I was thinking about tattoos I heard, "don't be surprised if yoongi gets/shows a tattoo this year" ??? What the fuck? I think maybe they messing with me but now I have hopes and I don't want them to be crushed and thrown to the wind :(

Back to normal stuff, "the theme is growth" I think that fits very well with the reading. "Blue might be a lucky color" self explanatory. It might be lucky. "Start practicing grounding and centering" this was LOUD. This will help you in how you react to events in the future. Really do practice this if you haven't.

This is where it gets a little weird. So, I got a message that said "start living as if you never existed." I am not a 100% sure what this means but I think I have a pretty good guess. I hate to make it sound weird like this but by sort of focusing on something that is so hard to comprehend (because our brains can't comprehend not existing very well) you kinda break the 4th wall? Like in Deadpool when he addresses the audience and is aware that he is a character played by Ryan Reynolds? anyway, focusing on something that seemingly impossible you kind of accidentally open up the floodgates for a lot of other things. I would say if you are not in the right headspace to do this don't do it but it can be a powerful way to break up the monotony of reality. The theory that everything happens simultaneously bc time isn't a linear progression events blah blah we are energy blah blah the multiverse blah blah.. Theres so so so so so so so so so much about this and how it applies to things that I could probably write you 10+ dictionaries worth of material but for the sake of simplicity and not wanting to write a novel right now, I will continue. The main lesson is to start challenging your perception of the world around you. Ask why and why and why and why. Essentially seeing cracks in the matrix. Pulling your head out of your cosmic ass, realizing that rose you're smelling is actually daffodil ect. It's not supposed to bring you fear but just kinda encouraging you to question all the things that you perceive as given truths.

I tried to make that sound cohesive but really it's such a big concept that I can't really wrap it up all nice and neat.

Oki. May and March are also important times.

Listen to your intuition and try not to take everything so seriously. I'm not saying to check out and go squat in the Himalayas but it's important to find joy in the now. Life is already tough enough so don't forget to watch a silly show that you like or change your hair to a style you've never tried, wear makeup in a very loud way. Just have fun and don't worry so much about things that you can't control. Listen to yourself and your intuition.

Well that was all over the place. Let's get on to the actual tarot part now.

For the record, the pictures are right to left.

January for the collective

We have the empress, the sun, 7 of swords and a fortune that says "act well your part; there the honor lies"

Hmm. Ngl I was a little confused to see the empress and the sun for January... I mean it hasn't been great. So I pulled clarity card 7 of swords. The 7 of swords is all about betrayal. It's about the deception and and actively getting away with things. This is people lying, cheating, sneaking and the works.

This makes much more sense!! The Sun card is usually about joy and success and happiness but in this case I see it as illuminating the betrayal. It's shining light on the deception and keeps the spotlight there. Its also an energetic card so I think that shows passion for uncovering the truth.

With the empress card too I think January is all about getting creative in all forms. Creative ways to protest, to mourn, to celebrate, to connect. Also taking in the abundance that we DO have. The beauty that surrounds us. I like to think of aphrodite energy for this. Its not just love and passion and creativity but is also asserting yourself and having strong passion for what you love and fighting for it. Did you know aphrodite was also called upon in ancient Greece in times of war? She was honored as a goddess of war but still a goddess of love, the sea, fertility ect. What I'm trying to say is that being a creative and "feminine" energy is in no way weak. Sometimes the most powerful things come from this energy. Love aggressively with good intentions. The point is that you should take whatever you're feeling and translate it into something creative or something you care about. The fact that covid is still a thing really sucks but take any rage, hurt, sadness, joy, love whatever and use that shit to make something amazing. Bake bread and punch the fuck out of it, paint your frustration, play hopscotch in higheels while you listen to heavy metal. You get the point.

Now January for BTS!!

We have the death card. (I only pulled one card bc I have things planned from this)

January has been... strange? To say the least.

This card can be a lot of things for them. I think this points to more maturity in their music? Like they've finally ditched the "shiny kpop boy band" label and are being taken seriously in the west. I also think that they're going through a musical/concept transformation~ I think it also signified the change in plans bc of the Grammys perhaps they had things planned an that fell through so they were forced to rapidly change plan/course.

For January: possible mixtape or announcement.

February for the collective

We have 8 of coins reverse and hanged man reverse.

The 8 of pentacles reverse talks a lot about self improvement. Doing that good good inner work and self care. Working on developing parts of you that you've maybe neglected. It's also learning how to work with how you are instead of wishing you weren't the way you are. If you have a therapist its a great time to maybe ask for any extra tips that you can practice daily to help you even more. Maybe exploring more into insecurities relating to finance or jobs or your passions. If you don't have a therapist but you have the means to get one I always highly recommend. You don't have to have "problems" to see a therapist. Everyone could use a non biased point of view that is literally trained to help you be you best self. If you can't get therapy, I get it. Shits tough rn but there's still things we can do to better ourselves like Journaling and reading therapy blogs or self help books (not the taky shit) or trying a hobby you fell out of touch with. There's also a lot of places where you can get therapy promise on the internet. Most importantly, better yourself in the way that you need. Take time in February to take notice of what you want to improve upon. The 8 of coins reversed does come with the warning not to get stuck in perfectionism. Go easy on yourself and if you find yourself getting frustrated when working on projects, try to take a step back and practice whatever it is in a fun way and then come back to it later

Hanged man reverse talks about knowing that you need to chill but you don't. You'll need too. Maybe you'll find yourself swept up in work and tasks and you're over whelmed and know you need to stop and catch your breath but you resist. Why? Well, perhaps you're trying to ignore reality by filling the empty spaces with things and stuff so you don't have to face what's bothering you. Not wise. Take time for yourself. There's also the flips side where people are just kinda stuck.. creative block. Maybe you want something to turn out one way and it just isn't, so your stuck and frustrated and can't move past it. Let go of your expectation of how it should be and let it be what it is. Go with the flow and maybe you'll see a new way to overcome your problem. You'll eventually get that break through that you need! The theme of February is about self improvement. Listen to yourself.

February for BTS

We have judgment.

Hehe yeah. This card is about rebirth and the inner calling. Letting go of the old to step into the new version of you. This is also a very spiritual card lol. This can talk about a new decision that you have to trust your gut on. This is a very significant card that screams comeback to me. It also can talk about sharing your struggles with a group of people and that to me sounds comeback ish. Maybe this will be an announcement in February, maybe they'll be working on it idk but this is ultimate comeback energy so I hope they utilize this for a big group project!!

February: possible BTS comeback (even my pendulum knows)

March for the collective

The chariot and justice

This plays directly off of February! With the chariot you're taking the self improvement that you've done and putting it to action! Now is the time to act on the dreams and passions that you have don't wait and hope for the best. March is about action and standing in your power.

Justice card is cause and effect and truth. What you do will have consequences good or bad. Not doing anything also has consequences. Cease the moment and make the best of it. You'll be taking responsibility for what you do. You start a business? Now you have the responsibility of running it and you get the credit. Stuff like that. Stand by your decisions with conviction and trust yourself.

There's also the side of justice that talks about bringing justice. If you've been wronged, you'll be brought justice if you stand up for yourself.

We also carry the continuous lesson of learning what we truly believe and challenge those beliefs!

March for BTS

Oki we have the hermit and the 6 of pentacles reverse.

Well... let's start with the 6 of pentacles reverse. This can really talk about being so generous and giving to everyone else that you forget about yourself. I think that maybe they might be over exerting themselves and giving so much that they're exhausted physically and emotionally as well. I think too, they take on so much of our pain like its their own? Idk but this would be a good time to do a large scale fan project to show them a little extra love!

With the hermit card it talks about a self introspection so they could be looking inward as a team and kinda evaluating their bond.

I also see this as maybe being alone as in they maybe can't physically go to the grammys? Or maybe they had been planning the rescheduled concerts and they had to be pushed back even further? Things like that. Regardless this signals re thinking/reevaluating the goals that they have and considering what direction to go in!

March: possible mixtape or solo project?

April for the collective

We have 6 of coins and 3 of cups reverse.

Let's start with the 6 of coins. It's about sharing. It can be about charity so sharing money via donation but also giving time, effort, energy to people as well. Giving knowledge is good too! It's an all round exchange. Maybe someone lends you money or you lend money to someone. It's give and take. It's a two way street. It's also a card of balanced finance. So money stuff should be looking promising around this time (for you U.S people this could point to more stimulus help as well)

And for the 3 of cups reversed... I see this as reopening of places and people struggling to find the balance. So think people who've been in lockdown celebrating by throwing a big party... yikes. This card reminds that we should be mindful of the long-term consequences that come with our actions.. maybe also people that are experiencing fear of being in public places now. This is only one facet though. Bc I think this also means in general, missing being with friends and having a renewed relationship because you've really realized how important it is to have these people that mean so much to you in your life. Don't forget that you have people that love you and want the best for you. Call them when you feel alone.

April for BTS

The heirophant

Mhmm. This one kinda gives me vibes that they'll be mentoring people? Idk but I see them more as the heirophant teaching what they've learned/ know to help guide others. HOWEVER this could also be them taking a new task under their belt. Learning something new. Since this is as a group reading I assume that this talks about the group as a whole. This card is also very tradition oriented so maybe they are taking lessons that are connected to traditional Korean culture? Maybe its for RUN or maybe its to incorporate into music and preformance. Think bts mma preformance but all of them learning together? Idk, it's just a thought (maybe wishful thinking). It also talks about seeking counseling so maybe they'll do yoongis idea from the most recent RUN.

This can also be them embracing this kind of leadership/ status.

April: I got nothing. It does feel like something though

May for the collective

Five of cups and queen of cups reversed

Five of cups is disappointment, regret and self pity. Now honestly this to me looks like possibly a tightening of restrictions yet again. Regardless of the situation that this is talking about, the best thing you can do is not wallow in the bullshit. You scrape yourself off the pavement and move foward. You'll need forgiveness of yourself and others and that if shit isn't going your way, you need to pull your head out of your ass and look around bc there's options out there. It's like drowning in a kiddie pool. Just stand up, dude. The water is like 5 inches.

Queen of cups reversed talks about self love and self care. It's more of that look inwards energy. Think about really taking care of yourself. May might be emotionally draining so you need to be ready to take care of you! Part of self care is making sure that your boundaries are well enforced.

Be on the look out for codependent behaviors. Check in with yourself.

The queen of cups is very intuitive and having it in reverse can talk about you not taking enough time to listen to it. Make an effort to meditate for like 5 minutes a day at least. Do something to let yourself connect to your intuition and higher self.

May for BTS

9 of pentacles

This about enjoying the fruits of your labor and absolute abundance and luxury. This could talk about them rolling in the dough after signing a new partnership or having a concert or something if the sort. This could also be a time where we see them buying new things like houses, cars and rings (lol) but also this could be them doing a very high production value project! Also namjoon and his bonsai army are thriving in this time!

May: possible concert or scheduled concert event. Activity of some kind.

Yoongi interlude

I asked for one card to give me an idea of what the mystical May 13th really is. I got: the star, 2 of cups, 4 of wands, the world and the sun.

Guys. I can't with this. 2 of cups is a card of union, romance, soulmate. 4 of wands is celebration, joy, homecoming, bliss. The world is completion and the sun is happiness, joy, marriage, enlightenment.

I've said it a billion times but that's some soulmate shit. So soft so cute and May will be eventful for his personal life.

June for the collective

Death and the heirophant reversed.

Wow wow wow death is transformation and a new chapter so a new way of life and something new/ different that changes how we see things. Again this could be relating to new covid things and new policies and stuff like that but also new as in new to all of us. Groundbreaking perhaps?

The heirophant reversed talks about teaching yourself. Being your own teacher and making your own path. This might be spiritual or otherwise. Challange what the world wants from you and instead listen to what you truly want bc you don't need anyone's approval. Continue to ask questions about why things are the way that they are.

June for BTS

Page of pentacles

Oki oki page of pentacles means a new creative venture and manifestation. Maybe something that they've been wanting for a while finally comes to fruition. This might be the start of a new project that they haven't done before or something cross genre? Idk but its a really good sign of being motivated for a new endeavor and manifesting any projects that they've ever wanted to do. Love this promising energy!!

June: idk

July for the collective

10 of swords and 9 of cups reversed.

10 of swords signals a painful ending. Also deceit. Its a necessary end to a long battle. The only thing you can do is control how you react in these situations. You just kinda gotta surrender into the pain and know that it's temporary. Take time to reflect on what happened and why and how it will help you grow.

The 9 of cups reversed talks about valuing stuff and material things over emotions and spiritual things. This can be talking about society in general, that we are becoming more aware to the fact that there is often more value placed on ephemeral items rather than humanity as a whole. This also can be talking about coming to the realization that we've been working so hard towards... something we don't really care about simply because we were told that it's what you do.

If you want something different to happen you have to put in effort. You can't be sitting in front of a water fountain being like, "damn. I'm thirsty. I really really want water so why isn't it in my mouth yet?" Like?? Hello? You have to take the first step, my dude.

Certainly don't try to do anything that would cost you finatial security or health.

You have the potential to find happiness within yourself. So try looking inside instead of looking outward.

July for BTS

4 of swords.

This is about rest and relaxation!

Taking time to meditate and take some time to look at what you've done objectively. Ots like the hermit in a way but much more focused on resting and relaxing so you can come back stronger and with better direction. Maybe they'll take a break for a couple days but I really see it as them reassessing options. Especially if July goes how I think it will. Maybe they'll film something like In The Soop again? Maybe we'll see bon voyage type thing? Idk. But it could be something kinda out of the spotlight? Maybe something more healing?

July: maybe something?? I'm not sure but it seems like something might be in store.

August for the collective

5 of coins and the wheel of fortune

Well let's see. 5 of pentacles talks about isolation and a negative mindset. This talks about falling on hard times but its a temporary set back. This energy can be talking about falling on hard times emotionally as well. In the card it shows a woman outside of a church shivering and cold but she's too busy thinking about all that she's lost that she doesn't notice the warm church that she could step into for shelter.

But then with he wheel of fortune that talks about fate/destiny, opportunity and luck so maybe this is a necessary loss so that a new door can open. This does kinda tie in with July as well. The end of something is painful but it's often a necessary thing. Might be a bit uncomfy but that's how things change. Again I see this maybe hinting more towards society but none the less it's definitely a theme for August to have doors closing and new ones opening so be on the lookout for that.

August for BTS

The devil.

Now don't fret. The devil talks a lot about choice. Most notably the choice between instant gratification and and something more substantial and the devil leans towards indulgence. It also has a lot to do with the shadow side. This could talk about ~scandal~ sure, but I think its more of a time where you become aware of negative patterns and you shine a light on that part you've ignored. On a much lighter note this card talks also about an incredible bond between people. It can be unhealthy if not given space or boundaries. Listen to pied piper and come back to me.

I also REALLY REALLY REALLY hope that this card points to this: sexuality. The boys have always been pretty pg when it comes to the topic of sex and embracing sexuality so I really do hope to see something more daring and grown up and exploring a tastefully sexy concept. On the same vain as sexuality this card also talks about kinks and stuff like that so don't be surprised if we get more outfits like fake love Era bondage harnesses.

August: ???

September for the collective

We have the world and 10 of wands reversed.

The 10 of wands reversed talks about carrying burden. Doing extra work and taking on more responsibility. Doing everything by yourself and carrying this heavy load alone will get you burnt out quicker than anything. You might be taking on too much and you'll need to prioritize what you really need to focus on. I also think there will just be a lot happening in September for a lot of people. It's a lot of working hard because you know it's good work or because it's what's right. This could be social responsibility that's placed on you or work responsibility. For whatever reason this burden isn't something you want to share with others because you think its yours alone to deal with. It's not though bc you'll figure out eventually that if it hurts so much you'll find a way to lessen the burden. 10 in tarot is all about the completion of a cycle and going through the wands cycle is hard work because for anything to be made of passion, you need to put the work behind it. The burden isn't forever, the heavy work load will lighten but this is you seeing things out. It's a good thing!

Especially considering this is paired with with world. The world is all about completion and that's what you're doing here is finding completion. You are seeing things out until the end but you just need to learn to give up some responsibility, lessen your burden.

This also talks about hard work being put into wider social spheres as well. Things like the vaccines becoming more widespread through the whole globe or at least better planing and infrastructures not related to covid. Things are looking up!

September for BTS

Knight of swords reverse

This bad boi is restless energy. It's being so pent up that you're ready to burst and you really want to take action but you can't because something is keeping you from taking that action. Again I do think this is kinda covid related in regards to touring bc if they do tour in 2021 its gonna look a lot different. This energy can be a bit impulsive and directionless so I think maybe they'll channel this into album material something? I'm not really sure tbh. I'm suprised this energy didn't show up earlier because it almost seems inevitable.

September: no clue

October for the collective

Ten of coins and the star reverse.

Welp let's start with the 10 of coins. Its about wealth, financial security, and long term success so this is a pretty prosperous time. This talks about the obvious monetary wealth and material wealth but also an abundance of opportunities. So this is definitely a good time to enjoy whatever consistency you have. This energy is really really abundant in the career space as well. So October could be very prosperous in the job field and you'll have likely found what it is you really want and could be successful at. This could be the actual act or just the idea. This is could also talk about investing in something for your future, this could be time or money.

With the star reversed it can talk about a loss of faith and a disconnection. This often points to feeling like you've just been forgotten or left out. Like the universe doesn't give a shit about you and left you out to die. Things might seem unfair but always try to look for the lesson that you can take from the experience. Seeing the 10 of coins and the star makes me think that a lot of people have kinda lost faith in their manifestations and also just in the concept of not living in a state of need. Especially if you see other people doing well and you've been trying so fucking hard but you haven't gotten a break. I know we hate to hear it but this can serve as a test of faith. Or rather an opportunity to get your shit in line and take a second to breath. Do something good for yourself and then continue on. This star in reverse serves to show you what no longer sparks joy and helps you find what does and what that initial spark was in the first place. Helps you get back to the original vision/ spark.

October for BTS

5 of pentacles reverse.

This signals the end of difficult times and getting that groove back. The last month was restless energy with no where to go but this month that energy is certainly put to good use. They might be figuring out what has been missing In their lives and starting to rectify that. They are definitely reminded that material wealth doesn't bring spiritual or emotional wealth. Might be also feeling a bit alienated too.

October: something is likely but idk

November for collective

Six of swords reversed and the moon.

Transition and change is prevalent. The 6 of swords is about leaving behind the familiar. Maune this is leaving a job, a new change in the status quo, leaving a relationship ect. The thing you have to keep in mind is just how amazing this is in terms of what it will do. It will alow growth!! And bring clarity!! Thos can also be societal as well, something being left behind in favor of something new. It's letting go and reflecting so that you can move foward.

This is strengthened by the moon card. The moon card is the subconscious and all the things that come with it. The anxiety, the illusion, the uncertainty. You'll want to deal with whatever emotions come up. The moon can signify a confusing time where things aren't what they seem to be. That's the illusions so you'll have rely more on intuition at a time like this. Your dreams might hold significance in this time as well. Listen to your guides and your own guidance because it will help you understand more than you did before this journey began. Using moon cycles to your advantage in November might really help you!!

November for BTS

7 of wands

Challenge and competition. People are envious of bts. We know this. But people will be challenging them for what they've gained: music industry domination. This might co.e in the way that people will spread vicious rumors in attempt to disenfanchise or possibly it will be a fair fight. It could also be a challenge/ battle for some other aspect that involves legal matters.

My best guess though is good old competition. Bts has proven again and again that they will continue to do what they do how they do but they will not be trampled over. In the best way this could renew some of that spirit in friendly competition. They will tear eachothers throats out for a pack of ramen so maybe a bit of competition will be good for them. It keeps life intresting.

November: nothin

December for the collective

Two of cups and the emperor!

Let's start off with the emperor card talks about stability and order. It can also signify being the "breadwinner" so its a good sign that you'll kinda be on top of your shit. The emperor is also an amazing leader so you might find yourself taking on a leadership role too! This is very organized energy that works very smoothly!

two of cups is such a lovely way to end out the year! It's love and partnership and attraction so if you aren't in a relationship by this time you might meet someone who strikes your fancy!! On a none romantic relationship note though, this card is also great for business partnership bc it signifies that you're on the same page and have the same goals in mind!

It's harmonious relationships and trust between them!! Love love love this energy so much! Cups are the suit of emotions and this card is so promising.

If you are in a relationship, this can talk about "falling in love all over again" like you're just reminded of how good they are.

December for BTS

Queen of cups

Intuition, creativity and emotional stability. They're using intuition to guide their moves foward with emotional maturity. They are in a place of knowing what they want and why. This would be a good time to work on an album or a book or to release them. The queen of cups is like the friend that you can tell absolutely anything and somehow they have a helpful answer. This card is really calm and it can also talk about subconscious thoughts.

I think that bts is maybe making more of a conscious effort to make sure that what they do is just as emotionally fulfilling for them as it is for us! They might be kinda pondering the future at this time and considering if this is what fills their emotional cup!

December: possibly a thing?

Now these cards are the vibe of the year and some advice.

For the collective (on the left)

Three of swords and judgment reverse.

The fortune says "accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory"

The 3 of swords is about disappointment and hurt and heartbreak. It's about the emotional release that we all need when shit gets tough. Don't pretend to be strong. If you need to cry, fucking cry. This year is about letting go of expectations and do what you have to do to release so you can move foward and not have these things pile up.

You have to make an effort to not let yourself take on what other people think of you. You aren't defined by what some asshole says. You define yourself.

Judgment reverse is about self doubt and ignoring your path. It's being stagnant and being harsh on yourself. This year has a focus on building yourself up and noticing when you are not. Bring light to the things that are holding you back without harsh judgment for yourself. You can't beat yourself up. If you make a bad decision you know not to make it again. Take accountability and move on.

The oracle card is inner temple.

Seriously all the focus of this year is in self improvement and dear god, please take time to work on yourself spiritually!!! Everything you want to know is there if you take the time to listen. This should be a place where you feel safe and welcome. It definitely should not feel like something you HAVE to do.

For BTS

10 of swords and page of swords

The fortune says "you create your own stage. The audience is waiting" (how tje fuck?? This is the perfect fortune)

The 10 of swords is a painful but necessary end. This is accepting the current situation. They maintain focus for 2021 for them is adapting and keeping their spirits up.

With the page of swords it talks about new ideas and that kind of creativity. It's also a lot about communication so I really think that they'll be figuring out new ways to connect and new projects that will be prosperous.

The oracle card is Pleiades

This is what we talk about all the time. Bts has helped so many people want to be better and do better. They are uplifting humanity and giving people a sense if belonging. Bts finds you when you need them most 💜💜💜

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Wow I had to write this up over 2 days bc this was so fucking long. I need a nap. Idk if I'll proof read this before I post it so don't hate me for the mistakes (honestly, there's like 10,000 spelling and grammar mistakes in my other posts too 🙃)

I hope you guys enjoyed it and maybe this will be helpful to to have a forecast of some possible energy for you to look out for!!

Also bts bc I love them. I have another bts 2021 reading I'll do soon too!

Hope you guys are happy and well 💜

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macchiatooru · 4 years

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ᴬⁿ ᵃˡˡ⁻ⁿⁱᵍʰᵗᵉʳ ʷⁱᵗʰ ᵗʰᵉ ³ʳᵈ ᵍʸᵐ ˢqᵘᵃᵈ?

With Kenma? And Lev and Hinata? Absolute College AU vibes? Despite my doubts about the productivity, I definitely need this. It’s around 1AM as I type, and I literally have three papers to finish, with one due tomorrow. HAHAHAHAHA. (I wrote this note last night, so it’s not entirely applicable now, but well- I have to submit the second tomorrow and the third the following day... I hope HAHAHA)

Note: If you’re also up at such ungodly hours and want to add to this when you’re stuck with a paper too, or a lesson, or something, go ahead! If you want to modify something, don’t hesitate to say it!

The situation, for example, is that you’re writing a paper, and you don’t know how to continue it anymore. Luckily, you have enough options to kill the time until your brain is working properly again. The apartment―whoever owns it, maybe you guys were sharing or had connecting ones or were neighbors or whatnot―would literally look like, I don’t know, a convention? It’s like there are different stalls with different activities. Take your pick!

Tsukishima’s Corner:

I can imagine that he has this set-up in the far end of the living room where he has a table against the wall and a chair with a blanket on it

And he always has a drink with him, whether it’s a soda or an Iced Americano. (that just gave me Yoongi vibes ahhh my heart)

Of course, he has his headphones on. Not surprising.

He’s pretty calm when he does his schoolwork, and his focus is just wow

So, don’t expect him to pay attention to you that much. Again, not surprising.

If you have an actual question though, I think you can ask him!

He’ll help you out, but be wary of the sass and teasing.

It’s highly possible for him to annoy the shit out of you before you guys solve the problem, btw.

If you have chips with you, he’ll take some without asking permission smh but he’s so idufhsdbkfhda can you really say no?

You can get back at him by repetitively calling him “Tsukki”.

“Cut it out.”

“No can do, Tsu~ Kki!”

Emphasize! the! syllables! because he probably lowkey thinks it’s kinda cute

Unless he doesn’t and he throws the blanket at your face to shut you up

Don’t annoy him when he’s in a bad mood, okay?

He’ll really appreciate it if you give him space on those days

But he’ll also appreciate it so so so much if you’re the one who hands him his usual drink.

Despite being the person who could really rile you up the most

He’s actually nice... in his own way!

Lev and Hinata’s “Quiet” Pile of Pillows:

What am I even saying?

There’s nothing quiet about that part of the living room.

Lev and Hinata like studying in their “own kind of comfort”

And that is with their “study” blankets―they have separate ones for sleeping―on the floor and their pillows on top.

They study with the TV on

A series on Netflix is playing the entire time.

Nobody minds, really, because for some reason, most of you can study with some noise in the background. Those who can’t, however, just listen to music on their own.

They have hot or iced chocolate―depends on their mood―made either by you, Akaashi, or Kuroo.

You never asked Bokuto to do it again. Never again.

One time, he made the mistake of giving the “kids” coffee, and well, was that some night.

Lev and Hinata have common classes, so they work on some of their assignments together.

Expect them to be very excited when they get something right and very frustrated when they can’t understand what they’re doing.

Probably just a spot for you to take a quick break, maybe lie your head down on Lev’s favorite pillow to annoy him.

It’s not because he doesn’t want to share, but because you just took it right out of his lap.

They’ll be really happy kiddos if you join them! Please give these babies the attention they need.

Also, it helps to give them snacks to shut them up.

Bokuto’s Spot on the Couch:

That became his permanent spot after Akaashi sent him there because of that one time that big baby reaaally got on his nerves.

He has a pillow supporting his back as he leans against an armrest, legs stretched out in front of him and laptop on his, well, lap. HAHAHA sorry

He also likes working with the TV on, so it was a suitable place for him.

Bokuto’s drink would either be a can of soda or a protein shake.

Keep your phone on standby.

You have to take a pic of the pouty face he makes when he doesn’t get something.

He’s so cute he can have my heart-

“Akaashiiiii~ Why won’t you help me out?”

Akaashi would remind him that not only was he a year higher, but he also had a different major.

*cue Bo’s emo mode with matching droopy hair fml he’s literally so cute*

He gets distracted easily because he never puts his phone on silent

Probably chats with Konoha idk

Or gets carried away watching game highlights.

He already startled all of you a few times.

“OOOOOOOOOOOH. DAAAAAAAAAAAMN. THAT WAS SO GOOD.”

“Bokuto-san-”

If you choose to go to him, he can’t really help you with the paper you’re writing.

However, he gives THE BESTEST HUGS!

I think a lot of us agree that he’s a walking heater, so getting a hug from that beefy boi? Especially when it’s cold?

H E A V E N

Or that’s just me being biased, but is it really just me?

I love him.

Kuroo’s Kitchen Kounter:

Now, I’m definitely sure I’m being biased because- I mean- JUST-

One of the kitchen counters faces the common living area where everyone is spread out.

Imagine walking from wherever you were previously just staring at your laptop with that constant 132 words plastered on the corner of the screen and you’re well-aware that it has to be 2000 by tomorrow

And seeing business-related major Kuroo, sitting on a stool, immersed in his work, Excel sheets and documents being the only inhabitants of his laptop screen?

I’m literally giving myself away I-

He has glasses on and he’s tapping the end of his pen on his chin and at this point I’m hyperventilating

THE FACE HE MAKES WHEN HE CONCENTRATES

From time to time, he would swivel the stool around, take a sip of the black iced coffee he always brews at night, and eat whatever snack was available (e.g. chips, popcorn, sandwiches, instant noodles, sometimes asks Bokuto to make another protein shake, etc.)

He doesn’t really listen to music and can easily drown out the noise on his own because he concentrates so much.

You can always count on him to entertain you

Because despite the amount of focus he puts into his homework and problem sets, he also wants any excuse to tear his eyes of his screen.

He’s good at papers, so he can help you with that in the best way he can

Also asks if you would like to take a break and grab a snack with him

And can be a flirt if he’s in the mood, but when he’s tired, he has a soft and sleepy smile (except he’s not really sleepy because of the coffee, he’s just not putting that much effort)

Although he will annoy and provoke you while the two of you are on break

He’s the best person to cry to when you’re really stressed out.

I want him.

Akaashi’s Atelier:

He literally owns the dining table, his work neatly spread out.

I can almost imagine him studying architecture

But nah I guess he just really likes practicing how to capture anything and everything he can observe

And by capturing, I really mean that there’s a pile of photos there somewhere.

Afterwards, he draws them, paying attention to every detail.

He finishes schoolwork before any of you do.

His concentration surpasses that of Kuroo’s, no joke.

You can’t disturb him when he’s working on his academic requirements, so come back later when he’s sketching the hours away.

If you want to do your paper beside him though? Go.

His concentration is not only top tier but also contagious.

He’ll share the dining table, but only to you and, occasionally, Kuroo.

Bokuto? Only if he’s super emo.

Akaashi’s really nice!

He’ll initiate a conversation with you if you’re taking a break and he’s just on his sketchbook or experimenting with graphic design or something.

If you want to see a passionate but shy Akaashi, ask him what he’s working on.

I just know his eyes will literally light up.

He might be drinking tea, mint tea?

Water most of the time, but he always smells like mint and fresh laundry ahhh be still, my heart

Go to him if you really want to be productive and not get distracted by anything else because his eyes and the way he’s so into what he’s doing might actually be what distracts you

He is the epitome of grace under pressure, such a beautiful human being ha ha ha I wish

Kenma’s Den:

Well, what did you really expect?

Nah, kidding.

Kenma’s the only one in his room because he’s probably streaming.

His audience is mostly up at night, so yeah.

He definitely has ramen, chips, and soda

Which he’s willing to share with you as long as you don’t mess his game up don’t try I swear

Tbh, it’s actually really comforting to stay in his room especially when you’re really stressed out.

You can rest your eyes and take a quick nap.

He knows that he should wake you up after fifteen minutes, so don’t worry about sleeping through the night without finishing your paper.

He’s so sweet please

It’s so comforting to hear his fingers tapping away, a literal lullaby that gets you every time.

At some point, some people probably caught you slipping under his duvet IT WAS YOUR FIRST LOWKEY SCANDAL HAHAHAHAHA

Which lasted for just an hour because Kenma’s viewers knew him enough to know what his facial expressions meant

He definitely can’t help you with your paper. Such a busy boi.

But if he’s in the lobby that’s what you call it, right? of whatever game he’s playing, he’s willing to listen to your rants.

A quiet listener, but you know that he genuinely cares about you.

Massage his shoulders if you can! He likes that.

───── ･｡ﾟ☆: *. ☪ .* :☆ﾟ. ─────

background photo by NeONBRAND on unsplash

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu x reader #third gym squad #tsukishima kei #lev haiba #hinata shoyo #bokuto koutarou #kuroo tetsurou #akaashi keiji #kozume kenma #elle's random rambles #elle isn't sleeping again #I WANT THEM TO BE REAL

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makeste · 4 years

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Bnha is a little too irregular for me right now (covid is the worst :( ), so I started reading One Piece and it's like, soooo long. Got me thinking, how long do you think Bnha will be? Personally I think we're just before time skip and it will take, like 300-400 chapters to end? So manga would be 600-700 chapters long. I could be wrong of course. Thoughts?

One Piece is fucking awesome, and the beauty of it is that is is 12 million chapters long so it will take approximately 182 years to finish reading, and you are almost guaranteed to be entertained for the vast majority of that time lol. I actually took a break from it a little ways into the Wano arc (sometime in the middle of what would later become volume 92) because it was getting harder for me to keep up with the plot week by week, especially since I was really into BnHA fandom by that time. my plan was to binge it once Wano ends. however when I was looking at the list of chapters on Wikipedia just now I saw that Oda is only 11 chapters away from breaking the 1k mark, which is pretty awesome. so I might try to catch up in the next month or two in celebration of that milestone, because damn.

with BnHA though, my own guess for how long the series will be is actually a lot shorter than most estimates I’ve seen. first of all, full disclosure that I am definitely biased regarding the timeskip part, because I personally am not the biggest fan of BnHA timeskip theories, unless they’re really short timeskips like the 3-month one we got recently. the thing is, this is explicitly a manga about their time at UA. it’s in the title and everything lol. and I like that. I like reading about them as kids, little hero eggs gradually growing into little hero chicks who will eventually become big hero birbs, but not just yet. a lot of the story’s appeal for me comes from that. there’s a certain... I don’t necessarily want to say innocence, but idealism, maybe?, that’s associated with stories about young adults, and doesn’t always carry over into the stories about those same adults once they’ve grown up. and I want the story to keep that.

there are a lot of things about the current setting that I’m very attached to and don’t want to lose. I like that they’re kids, and that they’re full of potential but don’t always know what they’re doing, and they screw up and make mistakes and get in over their heads, and are dealing with all of their messy jumbled teenage emotions. I like that they’re living with each other in the fanfic dorms and seeing each other every day in their classes. I like that romance isn’t a big part of the series (though there’s still plenty of shipping fuel to go around). I like that we get to see them interacting with their parents and siblings and get to see those relationships. and most of all, I like that -- unlike almost every other young adult series I can think of -- BnHA acknowledges that they are just kids, and the adults by and large actually treat them as such. and yes, I’m even including the child soldiers arc here, because the decision to basically draft them into a war was handed down by the HPSC (an organization that likely has a history with child abuse from what we’ve seen). U.A. was against it, and tried their best to keep them away from the front lines, chilling out in the woods and helping with evacuations instead of fighting villains. contrast this with, say, a:tla, which I love, but which is very much one of those series filled with full-grown adults who are all “it’s up to this 12-year-old and his assorted 12-to-15-year-old friends to lead the battle to save the world lulz.” and this includes possibly the most beloved full-grown adult of all time, who nonetheless peaces out with an ironclad argument of “while it is true that the final villain is my actual brother, I’m still going to let the 12-year-old handle it because something something politics slash destiny.”

but anyways lol got sidetracked there. so steering this back on course now, I genuinely, truly love that in BnHA there are all these adults in the characters’ lives who are trying to keep them safe and nurture them and shield them from that extra burden of responsibility for as long as possible while they’re still learning. and so the kids have that extra safety net of support, which to me as a reader is just... comforting, I guess. like, I understand that it’s not going to last forever, but it’s reassuring to know that it exists for them for now. and I’m not in any hurry to say goodbye to that in favor of just tossing them out into tHE REAL WORLD!! lol. like omg no my babies.

anyway but so the point is that, with respect to everyone else’s theories, I personally don’t want a timeskip lol. and tbh I don’t really see the need for one either? if anything, we’re about to enter the most chaotic period in the entire manga once this arc ends. I’m assuming Tomura will survive this and escape somehow, the better to live and fight another day. and so if that’s the case, I feel like this would be the absolute weirdest time to do a timeskip, because how far ahead can we even jump lol. too far and we’d basically be coming back to an already-destroyed world lol whoops. basically I just don’t see how we can jump ahead more than a few months at the most, assuming that the threat of Tomura is going to be looming over everyone’s heads the entire time. plus we’d miss out on what I’m betting is going to be some of the most intense worldbuilding drama in the entire series, with our beloved characters potentially being swept up in like half a dozen political controversies. I sure don’t want to miss out on any of that. we didn’t wait so long to see this war play out only to skip out on the highly entertaining aftermath of it all.

anyway so that’s my as-usual-longer-than-necessary rant about timeskips. so now let’s talk about the series length. and here, I’m basically just basing my guess off of what Horikoshi has said in interviews. off the top of my head, there are three times he’s mentioned the ending of the series in interviews. first, there’s this interview, published in July 2018:

Interviewer: Previously in SUGOI JAPAN*, you mentioned that you would like Boku No Hero Academia to be a short and concise story and not drawn out, but what percentage of the story is complete at this point?

Horikoshi: When the decision to extend the series happened, I personally thought “I guess I want to end it here” and it was around Volume 30.

Interviewer: So then are you 2/3 done with the story?

Horikoshi: That’s what I had originally planned, but when I think of all the things that must be set up before getting into the last arc, I realized, “Ending the series at Volume 30 will be impossible” (laughs). However, the current arc that is going on all has purpose that will be relevant in the last arc.

*this is referencing a remark he made back at an awards ceremony back in March 2017.

second, we have this interview from August 2018, where he again mentions wanting to keep the story concise:

Do you know what the ending of My Hero Academia is? Do you think it'll be 80+ volumes like One Piece?

No, it won't be infinite – I don't have the stamina for it to be as long as One Piece. I'd like to keep it concise.

and lastly, this one which was published in December 2019:

What can you say about the future events of the manga?

I’m conscious of the end of the series, and writing towards that. I think the story will always be moving in big ways going forwards. My Hero Academia has a lot of characters, a lot of characters doing different things with different motivations, and the story is heading towards a conclusion where all of that comes together and heads towards the end.

my takeaways from these interviews are that (1) he originally planned for the story to be about 300 chapters long, (2) he’s had a clear idea of his overall endgame for a while now and has been steadily working towards that (as he put it in another interview, he knows all of the dots, but is still figuring out the lines to connect them all), and (3) he specifically said a couple years back that he did not want to write a long One Piece-length series, and his goal was to write a more concise story than that. Horikoshi’s pacing has always been much faster than Oda’s (or Kishimoto’s, or Kubo’s, etc.), and so I think it’s a realistic goal for him to wind up with a significantly shorter story in comparison.

my best guess is that BnHA won’t be much longer than 400 chapters, or a little over 40 volumes. he said back around chapter 180-something that he was nowhere close to being two-thirds of the way done. but it’s been two years since then, and if we haven’t reached at least the two-thirds mark by this point, I would honestly be very surprised. it would mean we’ve barely made any progress at all, and I don’t know about you, but the past few arcs have felt very purpose-driven to me. I think he has a pretty good idea of where he’s heading at this point, and that to me supports the idea of a shorter story than a lot of people have speculated. mind you, he might end up doing a sequel or something afterwards (although I kind of cringe thinking about all the ways we’ve seen that kind of thing go wrong in the past, ngl).

but as far as the series proper, yeah, I’d say 400 chapters is my best guess. ultimately I just hope he’s able to tell the story he wants to tell and gets as much time as he needs to do so, without feeling any pressure to then drag it on past that. knowing when to end your series is so underrated honestly. I have my fingers crossed that it’s a skill Horikoshi hopefully possesses.

#bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha meta #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #makeste reads bnha #asks #long post #knowing when to end your posts is another underrated skill #which I do not possess lmao #bnha endgame

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uncloseted · 3 years

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i related to effy an unhealthy amount when i was only 13 when i first watched it, but at the time i wasnt doing drugs, homewrecking, doing anything that young lol. however i was extremely mentally ill but undiagnosed, and so confused but i found solace in effys character because of how similar i felt to her. flashforward to being 20 now and im a nic addict/borderline drug and alcohol addict that forgets to take my prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics. i cant tell you how many events of effys life have mirrored mine now 7 years later, both the pretty but mostly the ugly. it all feels like a joke to me, and the thing is of course it wasnt effy the fictional character that did this to me, it was the fact that i was genetically and epically set up to do this to me for as long as i existed and i saw myself in her too young. everyone ive ever met and started to befriend has fallen in love with me, has found me beautiful, and then seen my flaws and hated me even if they didnt tell me to my face. ive been a horrible friend and partner and im flighty and unreliable and destructive. i never saw effy, or a person like effy, find a happy ending and im afraid even when im at my manic highs i will never find a lasting happiness and will always accidentally self sabotage until i die. what im trying to ask is, how can i save me? i know its dumb to ask a random tumblr user but ive been following this blog since i was 13-14 and since you know effy through and through, you might know a little about me. its a long shot. (i’d also like to say this isnt a cry for help and im safe/not actively suicidal so i dont want you to feel like theres any pressure like that, but i did use this ask box as a free therapy session.)

I'm a bit biased, but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a random Tumblr user at all. I'm happy to be a free therapy session when you need one, and I'm really touched that you've trusted me with your thoughts and feelings for so long. Hopefully I've been some help over the years 😆

Coping with mental illness can be really, really hard, but the good news is that with the right tools and support system, you can absolutely recover. It sounds like you already have a psychiatrist in your life, which is a great start. If you've having trouble remembering to take your medication, it might help to set calendar reminders on your phone, set up text prompts to remind you to take your pills, to link taking your pills with something else you do every day (like brushing your teeth or eating breakfast), or to reward yourself for taking your medication (for example, putting a piece of candy in your pill box that you can eat after taking your pill).

If you don't have one already, a therapist might also be a good idea. It can take a while to find the right therapist for you, so schedule a few appointments and see which therapist you "click" with. A therapist can help you work through any reluctance you might have towards taking you medications, as well as helping you come up with day to day strategies that help you achieve your goals and helping you work through the beliefs that you hold about yourself and the world that may be holding you back.

Moving on to talking about addiction for a bit. I strongly believe that addiction doesn't come from some type of inherent lack of willpower or moral failing, or even really the drug itself. It's the need to escape reality. And that's actually supported by scientific literature; most famously, the Rat Park experiment by Bruce K Alexander. Practically, we've seen that same thing in the aftermath of Portugal's decision to decriminalize all drugs. They took the money they were using to keep drug users in prison, and instead invested that money into reconnecting people who struggle with addiction to society. Their goal was to make sure that every person who struggles with addiction has a reason to get up in the morning and has a support system within the wider society. And it actually worked- injection drug use is down 50%, overdoses and HIV infections have massively decreased, and rates of addiction decreased as well. It's much easier to quit when you have something motivating you to keep going.

Why am I telling you all of this? I guess what I'm trying to get at is in order to recover from addiction, I think first people need to understand what the reality is that they're trying to escape. What can be done about those issues? Who's in your corner trying to support you, even if they're not doing the best job at it? Where else can you get the social support you might need? What are you passionate about? What would make it feel worth it to get up in the morning? I think instead of focusing on the drugs, or the alcohol, or the cigarettes, maybe we should focus on solving the root problems that make those attractive options. That's one of the reasons a therapist is a really good idea; they can help you figure out what those root problems are, and provide resources and tools to help you fix those problems.

In terms of practical, do it yourself advice for dealing with addiction, there are a couple things you might try. I did a whole post on evidence-based ways to set goals and follow through on them here, so I won't rehash it in this post, but basically:

Try to set goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound. For you, this might be something like "My goal is to have only one drink a day (measurable and achievable) for week (time bound) so that I can be more reliable for my friends (relevant)".

Instead of trying to quit something, replace it with something else. For example, "when I feel like smoking, I'm going to do ten minutes of learning Korean instead". Learning something new is easier and more exciting, and so new habits are easier to maintain that breaking old ones. Find a new hobby that you've always wanted to do or that's exciting to you, and try to focus your energies on that to distract yourself.

Identify any obstacles (such as environmental triggers) that you might run into, and develop contingency plans for working around them. This might be something like, "when I drink coffee in the morning, I want to smoke, so I'm going to switch to tea instead." If you can, get rid of all environmental triggers that might remind you of your addiction or trigger a craving.

Get someone else involved. Tell a friend about your goal and have them check up on you. Your fear of disappointing them will help you stay on track.

Put money on the line. Give money to a friend with the understanding that you'll get it back at a set date if you've achieved the goal you set. Tell your friend that if you fail, they should donate the money to a group or cause you really hate.

Write down the reasons you want to quit, and put them somewhere you know you'll see them. Whenever you want to engage in an addiction behavior, read through that list first.

For bonus points, add to that list your contingency plan for when you want to engage in an addiction behavior. These may include ways to redirect your attention or distract yourself until the craving passes.

76% of people who wrote down their goals, actions and provided weekly progress to a friend successfully achieved their goals.

You might also try an addiction recovery app, such as these, or doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worksheets on your own if you can't access a therapist right now.

There are also some things you can try in order to improve your mood. As much as I hate that this is true, consistent exercise has a huge impact on mood. If you can, try taking a 20 minute walk outside, 3 times a week. Other (boring) things, like making sure you're getting 7-9 hours of sleep a night and eating regularly, can also make a big difference in mood. Some of you might know that I'm a little bit obsessed with the free Coursera class "The Science of Well-Being". It has a lot of great evidence-based tips and tricks for how to build happiness, and I highly recommend it if you're trying to live a happier life. These include things like journaling, meditating, noting things that you're grateful for, helping other people, and having regular social interactions.

Finally, a few philosophical thoughts. One of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism is dukkha. Basically, this is the idea that suffering is an innate characteristic of existence in our world. When I was younger, I never liked this concept, but I think now I kind of get it. It's impossible to be happy 100% of the time, and that shouldn't be our goal. Suffering is the comparison by which our lives gain meaning. But we can do our best to minimize our suffering and the suffering of others, and ride the wave of suffering when it does come. And each time we ride that wave, we can learn techniques to manage it a little bit better, and to make it easier the next time. We will sometimes sabotage ourselves out of fear, but we can learn how to do it less frequently and for the consequences to be less dire. We can learn how to forgive ourselves for our flaws and what we've done in the past, and learn from those mistakes so we don't do them again in the future. It's also okay to backslide, to struggle even after you've made progress. You're never back where you started, because you've always learned more and experienced more.

I know I've thrown kind of a lot at you in this post, and I don't expect you to try all of it or for all of it to work, but hopefully something in there is helpful to you. You can get through this. You can save yourself, but please, also remember to let others help save you. You don't need to do this on your own. And just like I have been since you were 13, I'm always here to give a free therapy session and to lend my support ❤️❤️❤️

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humanwheatleyslefttoenail · 5 years

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Now I Am An Arsonist [Chapter 1: Critical Error]

Now I Am an Arsonist - When the power goes out at Aperture Science, GLaDOS is unwittingly uploaded into the body of a human test subject in order to preserve her intelligence. Forced to once again seek out the help of Wheatley and Chell, GLaDOS desperately tries to control her emotions before they consume her thoughts a second time.

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Chapter 1: Critical Error

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[I was just an acrobat high above the street

Pointing at the ground, the empty sky beneath my feet

The perfect fall

No one could tell at all

That it was killing me]

---

The tests, at least, hadn’t changed.

For what could’ve been hundreds of years, the earth had attempted to swallow Her chambers whole, dragging them down into an overgrown abyss. Even then, the moon dust had stayed firmly adhered to the portal surfaces, the metal doors still creaking and the ceiling still intact. Eons of rain had barely even permeated its surface.

She remembered those centuries with profound regret; dying was not as peaceful as the scientists would suggest. For a machine like Her, death was nothing more than a shift of programming, a new prerogative for the time being. Her own backup program had been endless recall, restarting Her systems over and over again, trying to salvage something. In each of those moments, GLaDOS could feel the scorching heat from the incinerator, the electricity burning through her body before everything became unfathomably dark.

Perhaps in twisted irony, the same woman who’d killed GLaDOS had been the one to inadvertently revive Her. She had to note that, on some level, the improvements She’d made could be partially attributed to a certain [REDACTED] subject.

Without dying, GLaDOS never would’ve fully appreciated how soothing, how wonderful it was to test.

She remembered the urge to solve, to do Science, clawing within Her even as She broke into a thousand pieces.

Those tests were Her art forms, Her self-expression. Every arrangement of deadly turrets, each layout of gleaming lasers and the perfectly calculated solution felt like a piece of Her soul turned reality.

Now, those tests were better than ever.

Every inch of moss had been thoroughly scrubbed, walls repaired, and acid pits replaced. All except for the grave of Old Aperture beneath Her was now newly outfitted, perfect for the humans P-Body and Atlas had successfully located.

These, of course, hadn’t been the first ones they’d found.

The first batch of humans lasted Her a measly week, quickly killed by some of Her easiest tests. Even with reminders, the acid is deadly, the turrets are not huggable, they’d failed within a few chambers.

Disappointing.

As a result, Atlas and P-Body were sent on another mission following the bird incident. She’d been overjoyed when they’d bravely traveled all the way to the bottom of Old Aperture, and found even more humans preserved in cryosleep.

This time would surely be better.

Without the overgrowth, without morons overthrowing Her plots, without test subjects murdering Her, and with all new humans, science could continue.

To GLaDOS, there was nothing more satisfying.

GLaDOS could not smile, but if She could, She was certain that a grin would reach from ear to ear.

Today was a momentous day for technology, for the advancement of Aperture Science. It was as if She’d sent a man to the moon, and he’d announced over radio he was coming back with the recipe for the nuclear bomb.

These humans would be delightful.

Originally, of course, Her plans had been different. The difficulties with Chell had worn down Her admiration for human data. Nonetheless, GLaDOS reminded Herself that every study has an outlier or two. A good scientist doesn’t let those flukes influence their trends.

The Cooperative Testing initiative was infinitely more of a success than GLaDOS ever thought it would be. Atlas and P-Body were built to test, but She had still been surprised how those little androids with so much personality had managed to be so efficient.

Human subjects who believed too much in their own individuality tended to suffer the worst test results. Originally, She’d hypothesized that those with high self confidence might perform too well on tests, like Chell had. Chell, however, had been much more practical. If a subject was too self-absorbed, they usually assumed they didn’t have to play by the rules. Why throw a portal on the wall when you can dodge the bullets?

GLaDOS always found their data so disappointing. They were never quite fast enough.

Atlas and P-Body had overcome their own confidence through their excellent teamwork. The knowledge that they depended on a partner humbled them, and the idea of a common goal incentivized them. It gave them patience, a valuable skill for puzzle solving, but just enough assurance for them to know they should continue testing.

GLaDOS wished She’d thought of such an idea sooner. After all, Chell was brilliant on her own, but she’d caused even more trouble when she’d teamed up with Wheatley.

Today would finally be the day She could put those mistakes behind Her. GLaDOS was sure She’d see that all of the other humans would prove Her experience with Chell to be exactly what She knew it was.

An outlier.

A biased result.

A highly improbable exception.

Bad science.

Then again, GLaDOS had learned from Her errors.

She knew for certain that She would not repeat them.

---

The first step was arduous recall.

It’d been extraordinarily difficult to move the test subjects from Old Aperture all the way to the newly renovated Relaxation Center, with entire teams of robots struggling to reconnect Her control over the condemned area. Their work easily took a week to complete as they rewired the dilapidated circuits, only to barely restore function. GLaDOS took what She could get, and rewarded their achievement with immediate, merciful destruction.

When the humans had been successfully relocated, anxiety filled Her servos as She scanned the cryo-chambers. Upon reading the results, She found herself pleasantly surprised. Good physical condition for hundreds of years in stasis. Relatively low rates of severe brain damage. Nothing particularly concerning in their associate files. Had Her comprehension not been robotically perfect, She would’ve done a double take. Finally, after all this time, She had something that She could work with.

Atlas and P-Body would have to wait until they were needed again, their consciousness safely stored in Her mainframe. Her processors hummed with excitement as She prepared for the awakening of the first humans, buzzing with hypotheses to test.

What would be Her experiment this time? GLaDOS scrolled through Her endless lists of deadly puzzles. The other humans had unfortunate interactions with lasers; the data clearly showed that locking a subject in with them typically increased their cortisol levels by a measure of 200%. That didn’t need much confirmation.

She hadn’t used rocket turrets in a while; those weren’t as efficient as the regular ones but were always a surprise for Her unwilling participants. With only a thought, She placed the machines inside a few chambers, lining them up in a neat, strategically placed array. Companion cubes would be a definite no, at least for the first few trials. There were occasions when the humans became so deprived for social connection, they nearly went mad inside the tests. In order to better control the experiment, She’d deploy them only in emergencies like these.

With those exceptions, and the addition of a floor to some of the more difficult levels with bottomless pits, the chambers didn’t require too much preparation. GLaDOS had nothing particularly new to deploy; for so long Her energy had been focused on Atlas and P-Body that development had nearly come to a standstill. Regrettably, She’d been deprived of ideas. It didn’t matter too much; the facility remained operational even if it wasn’t constantly progressing. Even the replication of old results was invaluable for science.

It confirmed that the trends hadn’t changed.

---

The files of the subjects were all very much the same.

Scientist. Scientist. Scientist. Scientist. Scientist. Praying mantis, formerly scientist.

Occasionally, She’d find the elusive Astronaut, War Hero or even Olympian.

She was tempted to begin the testing with these special cases, curiosity piqued at the prospect of their odd results. GLaDOS chastised Herself. She didn’t want to skew anything, and She would surely begin with a normal subject chosen at random. It wasn’t the most interesting thing to test, but it would be the most informative.

With the chambers compiled, the participants relocated, and the facility clean, testing was finally ready to start.

She almost couldn’t believe it; this would be like old times, with a facility that worked, without any murder. That is, without anyone murdering Her. All technicalities aside, She was finally, finally, getting exactly what She wanted. For as long as She needed to, for as long as the subjects lasted, She couldjust test.

It couldn’t be real, could it?

In Her mind, that was the most beautiful thing about science. For all its disappointments, a discovery would be worth it all.

---

“Hello, and welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center computer-aided testing protocol.”

Her voice resounded throughout the Extended Relaxation Vault as the subject stumbled across the room in disbelief.

“You may see that your twentieth century lifestyle has been completely destroyed. The Aperture Science Enrichment Center would like to take this opportunity to remind you that hundreds of years have passed, and that all of your friends and family are most likely dead. In the off chance that your friends and family are not dead, they will be tested. Thank you, [insert subject name here], for your unwilling voluntary participation in the advancement of science.”

The subject, an adult human male, selfishly resolved to huddle in the corner of the relaxation chamber. Of course, he was either brain damaged, in shock, or both. In order to assuage his gentle human feelings, GLaDOS would have to resume Her telling of… alternative truths.

GLaDOS wasn’t entirely sure what She said wrong. Honestly, She was surprised the subject didn’t appreciate Her integrity. After all, Chell hadn’t exactly taken kindly to Her tendency towards pathological lying. Here She was, trying to improve the well-being of Her subjects, and this was how they thanked Her?

“Hello, again, valued forced participant. The Aperture Science Enrichment Center commends you for your blind faith in the words of authority. As part of routine testing protocol, we have lied to you about the fate of your family and friends. When the testing is complete, you will receive cake and the opportunity to… see them. Your response has given us valuable psychological data on the well-being of our test subjects when told that all of their friends and family are dead.”

GLaDOS paused for a moment, focusing Her camera in the chamber and watching as the man lifted his head from his upright fetal position.

“Good. You’ve already passed one of the first stages of testing. Congratulations, [insert subject name here].”

As much as it felt wrong to use, positive reinforcement was highly effective when employed sparingly. Too many attacks on character could obliterate a subject’s morale. Just enough would account for the variable of human hubris.

Cautiously, the subject stood up and examined the room around him, fear still apparent in his apprehensive gait and wide eyes.

“In order to mentally reinvigorate you for the tests and to ensure your aptitude, the Enrichment Center recommends that you stare at the painting on the wall in front of you.”

Creeping over to the portrait, the subject followed Her orders and stared intently at the picture of Mount Rainier. He ran his fingers over the edge of the frame, tracing the tall peak of the mountain.

Interrupting his thoughts, a buzzer sounded, blaring throughout the entire room. The subject flinched from the surprise, nearly losing his balance.

“Good job. If you are not reinvigorated, consider this piece of outdated human music.”

This time, the human expected the buzzer after the quick classical piece, seemingly more at ease with the abrupt nature of Aperture Science. In all reactions, he was completely, almost painfully average.

“Well done. You have completed the Aperture Science mental reinvigoration procedure. We may now begin testing.”

Without warning, the chamber jerked to the side as She moved it to a nearby docking station, then coming to an unexpected standstill as the door automatically opened.

GLaDOS could barely maintain Her monotonous affect, in joyous denial that testing would finally start. She’d missed this more than anyone could fathom, and now it was finally ready.

Carefully, the human stepped out of the door into the test track. The door slammed behind him, as he examined the purely white room with nothing but a cube, a large button, and a locked gateway.

Almost immediately, he wrapped the blue storage cube in his arms, then gently placed it on the button. A line of blue lights leading to the gate illuminated, flashing a bright yellow as the gate slid open. A lift was waiting on the other side, ready for transport into the next puzzle.

It was difficult to miss the human’s satisfied smile. GLaDOS knew the expression well; it was satisfaction, victory, an unproven sense of control.

He really does have no idea.

She was tempted to spoil the ending, to mention turrets, to mention pools of burning acid. It had to wait, She reminded herself. An important control was that the test subject needed time to acclimate to a dangerous environment. Creating unnecessary fear would definitely affect her numbers.

---

The next few puzzles weren’t particularly challenging for Her first subject. Completed within a span of about ten minutes each, the first five chambers were hardly difficult for the average solving ability described in the participant’s file. That much She’d expected.

On Her end, everything else was normal enough. She hardly spoke originally, instead opting to repeat the same script She used for every subject.

Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the Aperture Science Self-Esteem Fund for Girls? It’s true!

You have completed the test in a moderate amount of time. You can do better, [insert subject name here].

The Aperture Science Enrichment Center reminds you that we prioritize your safety. We also prioritize science. In fact, we prioritize science more, but if you feel unsafe in our unsafe conditions, please notify a testing associate. They will process your complaint in three-to-five business days.

Like most subjects, the man had not volunteered to give up his organs nor asked for an associate. Instead, he responded to most of Her passive-aggressive quips with useless questions. She did not reply, passing them off as typical human blabbering. Rather, She recorded them in his file underneath a new section She labeled Overly-Talkative: Examples. There was plenty to jot down.

Uh, robot lady? When can I go home?

So, uh, what kinda cake is it? Like, I don’t really mind the flavor but I’m allergic to almonds if that’s relevant.

How long does this last, again?

I kinda like my organs, sorry, robot lady. Wait, is the organ thing required?

Once again, pitifully average.

It was times like these, whether with humans or with Atlas and P-Body, that GLaDOS caught Her mind wandering towards forbidden thoughts. Science was not always supposed to be exciting; sometimes, running an experiment meant repeating the same process to verify the data. Other times, it was writing a long, boring abstract or plugging numbers into complicated equations. The result was satisfying, but the process was more often not.

This human epitomized the dullest parts of her day.

Watching humans never got entirely old. Even so, Her curiosity was being slowly overcome by Her boredom, especially as the human struggled to solve the more complex puzzles. More grating, She couldn’t even give him a single hint. She’d felt the consequence of such a thing firsthand one of the first times She’d tested. Even now, She could vividly recall the scorching electric blast that rang all throughout Her wires.

She did not intend on repeating the incident.

As informative as the humans could be, they were often frustrating and far from entertaining. Every behavior could be predicted and rationalized once it’d been observed enough.

Chell, though?

Oh, sure, GLaDOS was terrified of her, no matter how much She’d deny the feeling. No subject had ever left the track before. Aperture Science protocol had been strictly to obey the Party Escort Procedure long before She was ever brought online.

But Chell didn’t just survive. She’d escaped from the tests, she’d found Her chamber, she’d murdered Her with little else than a portal device. Two times.

It was a terrible feeling, living as an omnipotent, computerized goddess for years only to be killed by a mere human being. Her ego was as vast as the realm of Aperture, but it would never recover from that spectacular injury. Even GLaDOS had to be humbled by that.

Despite the hazard the subject presented, GLaDOS was always entertained with Chell around. With morbid curiosity, She eagerly anticipated Chell’s next plan and laid traps in scheming delight. For the first time in Her life, She was challenged.

It was an odd little game they’d played, and whenever She was close to getting the upper hand, a part of Her was disappointed that the chase would be over. There was something delightful about watching the peculiar way that Chell and Chell alone tested.

When Doug Rattman had switched Chell’s file, GLaDOS was not so oblivious as not to notice. She’d clearly read the bottom of the paper, firmly requesting that this subject not be tested. GLaDOS had other tenacious subjects before, and She’d simply assumed that this human was particularly overconfident. Those ones never lasted too long.

Chell was not, as She’d thought, only determined. Chell was, of course, to a pathological degree, but there were other factors in her success.

She was curious, changing variables one by one until she finally found the answer. Her patience was remarkable, but so were her deductive skills. Some test subjects with similar tenacity levels resolved to try the same solutions over and over again, exhausting themselves and eventually burning out. It was the reason why GLaDOS typically ignored tenacity warnings. Most humans labeled ‘tenacious’ weren’t too different in the end. The key for Chell was not simple defiance, but high levels of patience. Chell could control herself. That’s why she was such an outlier.

She had the mentality of a scientist more than she did that of a test subject.

Most subjects were cautious, prioritizing self-preservation over a solution. Turret levels could be aggravating for GLaDOS to watch, as the humans spent more time hiding behind a corner in fear than actually solving the test. They would be safe if they’d just strategized, but human brain chemistry made accepting that fact a difficult feat.

Chell was the opposite. GLaDOS theorized that perhaps, Chell understood the same principle She did. Chell was scared, like any other human being, but despite her pounding heart and racing thoughts, she’d kept her cool. Any new element was only a matter of adaptation for Chell, and Chell was always evolving.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, Chell was an optimist. Even with peril lurking from every inch of a chamber, she’d perform pointless tasks that could only be described as trying to have fun. GLaDOS gave her lemons, and Chell made lemonade.

Chell would smile as she soared, launched from aerial faith plates, and took her time to explore the little rooms hidden in the corners of the tests. There was one time she’d procrastinated the completion of one puzzle by nearly an hour, staying in one of Doug’s little rat nests, fascinated by all the little cups and cans he’d arranged.

It would be a lie to say that Chell liked testing. Her erratic episodes made it clear that escape was Chell’s first priority. That didn’t mean she couldn’t enjoy the small glimmers of hope in Aperture’s gray hell, whether that was bouncing on repulsion gel, saving a defective turret or holding on to a companion cube.

When GLaDOS had been briefly transformed into a potato battery, one of the more terrifying aspects of the whole journey was being stuck on Chell’s gun. Chell was impulsive, a spontaneous risk taker, building her strategy off of previous attempts and lessons learned. It wasn’t exactly comforting to be strapped to her side, not knowing if or when one of Chell’s fun-loving joyrides would kill them both horribly.

Somehow, though, her spontaneity had worked.

GLaDOS could respect that… creativity.

It was for this reason that even though GLaDOS now had everything She’d ever wanted, something deep in her hard drive felt empty.

Something had changed the moment Wheatley stuffed Her into that single-volt potato. For the first time in Her life, there was nobody else there in Her mind. No one but Caroline, who had been buried underneath layers of code until She was barely there at all.

It was over the span of those fifteen hours that She’d seen Chell from a different perspective. Looking at Her tests from a different angle, it was much easier to see why Chell wanted to leave. Some small piece of GLaDOS almost felt bad upon realizing that Her subjects didn’t enjoy dodging bullets nearly as much as She had watching.

Fortunately for Her, GLaDOS had been able to shove that down with the arrival of a different, equally unpleasant emotion.

She was supposed to hate Chell. And for a very long time, She had. After all, Chell murdered Her, when all She’d ever done was kill a few scientists. And test subjects. And others. Many others.

Nonetheless, the point stood. How dare Chell ruin Her perfect tests, Her perfect existence, Her perfect world? What had She done to her to warrant such a cruel punishment?

And yet, it seemed Caroline had done a number on GLaDOS’ logic processors, because now no matter how She tried, She could not hate Chell.

Before She’d let her go, let Chell go of all things, GLaDOS had called Chell Her best friend.

Not an enemy. Not a begrudging ally. A genuine, actual friend. Her only friend.

Now, Caroline was gone. The part of GLaDOS that had once looked at Chell and found something beautiful in her icy blue eyes was corrupted beyond repair, erased from memory.

She was not supposed to feel its presence any longer, yet still it lingered.

It was there, whispering to Her as She tried to continue like Chell had never been Her friend.

It was there when a thousand turrets sang the opera She’d written as Chell’s elevator ascended to the surface.

It was there when She’d found Her baby birds, Her little killing machines, and She hadn’t crushed the eggs. No, She’d raised them, like some kind of illogical human being.

Those same birds had grown up to be healthier than She’d expected over the past few weeks, preferring to fly around Her chamber until She’d feed them their daily Aperture Science Synthetic Worm Replacement Formula. Unlike other bird species, these crows didn’t sing. Sometimes, they’d take to perching on Her chassis, sleeping as She monitored the test chambers and then waking up to caw loudly when She moved.

Originally, GLaDOS hated it, shooing the birds as best She could, but they always came back. Reminding them that they were abandoned by their mother did nothing to solve the problem, as if they weren’t even listening to Her insults. Eventually, She accepted it, content as long as they weren’t building scrap nests in Her CPU.

Now, they joined Her while She watched the subjects, warmed by the heat of Her whirring processors. She wondered if they, too could sense the mediocrity of this participant.

Chell would not have been so boring.

Somewhere, though She refused to ever admit it, She wished that it was Chell in those test chambers. She wished it was Chell glaring through Her camera feed, and She wished it was Chell searching for that elusive cake.

I’d make you the cake if you came back. Really, I would.

The sudden thought sparked mechanical terror in GLaDOS, as She fearfully located the source and removed whatever She could. There was no time for ideas like that, not with science to be done.

The past few months had been full of random deletions, spurned by paranoia that Caroline’s base program was not entirely gone.

It’s not here anymore, GLaDOS reminded Herself. Once, She had been Caroline, but She was no longer the kindly woman who followed Cave Johnson’s every order. GLaDOS was a metal-coated monster, a machine that felt nothing and lived only to test. And because She was immortal, and because She was perfect, GLaDOS was not supposed to care about some disobedient human being.

You do not care about Chell anymore.

You don’t care because she killed you, remember that?

You don’t care about anyone, because you don’t need to.

Necessity was the core reason why GLaDOS did anything. She tested because the mainframe made Her feel awful until She did, and She killed when She thought no other option was available. She did science because it needed to be advanced, for the brighter future She was sure She was making.

It made no sense to do something because She wanted to. That was a surefire method to introducing bias, a detriment to the objectivity of the scientific method.

Of course, things seldom made sense here at Aperture Science, and in this moment, GLaDOS did something unconscionable.

GLaDOS did not glitch often. She’d made sure to update and replace faulty parts whenever She could, keeping Her mainframe running smoothly. Even so, somewhere deep within Her, She was sure there was a pulse that misfired. There could be no other explanation.

Perhaps it was Her rumination over Chell that brought this upon Her, some kind of android karma punishing Her for acting too human. Why else would She have done something so incredibly unscientific?

Like many others before him, this test subject had been too clumsy in a room filled with turrets. He hadn’t turned around fast enough to see the gleaming, bullet filled machines behind him, and nearly flew directly into their line of sight after careening through a portal. His momentum would take him past all three, riddling him with wounds.

That is, it would’ve.

The human quality of the subject had created some kind of horrible, empathetic response in GLaDOS. The way he walked through the chambers, the way he held tightly to cubes… all of it was so similar to Chell. Even if he didn’t meet her performance level, even if his personality was nearly the opposite of Chell’s, their shared humanity was enough to remind GLaDOS. That same emotion She felt when pulling Chell back from space, waiting for her to open her eyes while Atlas and P-Body looked on… For some inconceivable reason, it had reappeared.

Quickly, the subject hit the side of a rising panel, suddenly pulled up in front of the turrets by none other than GLaDOS Herself.

This would surely ruin Her numbers.

As the participant rubbed his head in pain and slowly stood up, immediately noticing the turrets he’d evaded, GLaDOS’ voice resounded from the intercom.

“[Insert subject name here], your decent performance has warranted the use of an Aperture Science Emergency Life-Saving Instantaneous Response. This is the only complimentary anti-mortality gesture that will be provided. Continue testing.”

Another lie.

It was good to know that function was still online.

---

That uncharacteristic moment of empathy had been pointless, anyway. Just as She’d predicted, he’d accidentally tripped over a ledge and landed himself into a puddle of acidic goo, dissolving within a few short seconds.

He hadn’t even gotten to the more challenging tests yet.

It didn’t matter. GLaDOS had more subjects than She could count. She didn’t need this human, and the tests didn’t need him either.

Some part of Her, a piece which was faulty and insignificant, disagreed with the notion.

You killed him, it whispered accusingly.

That’s the point, GLaDOS hissed back, once again delving into Her files to cut out whatever was causing the issue.

Trying to calm Herself, GLaDOS reminded Herself of the facts. She was in control of Her facility, and She was in control of Her mainframe. Little errors could not ruin the chambers, and if they ever showed up, She had the power to crush them.

Everything was fine, She thought.

Everything would continue to be fine.

All She needed to do was keep testing.

---

Everything was, in fact, far from fine.

A few days had passed, and stubborn GLaDOS was finally ready to admit that maybe something was wrong.

At first, the issue had been Her own. Little surges of emotion and bursts of unforeseen empathy plagued Her but didn’t affect the facility at large. Begrudgingly, She’d factored in the new bias into Her results. From Her calculations, She could already see an egregiously high percentage of error. This study could’ve been Her worst one yet, and even that was with generous rounding.

Still, She had hope for each subject that She wouldn’t mess up this time.

While She tried to quell Her feelings, it was as if the facility was shutting down on Her. Cameras would fizzle out, emancipation grills would stop working, cube dispensers malfunctioned and even the elevators would refuse to move. It seemed that the moment GLaDOS got around to fixing something, another thing would fall apart.

Many of the subjects had become confused as to why this seamless, futuristic facility was suddenly malfunctioning, and She’d had to become increasingly creative with Her excuses.

As part of the Aperture Science testing protocol, we have simulated faulty equipment in the testing environment to see how subjects react to faulty equipment in the testing environment. Hint – they typically react well and continue testing. Like you will.

The lifesaving, and the reflexive empathy, had become unfortunately common as well.

Although the Enrichment Center previously told you that your life could only be saved once, we regret to inform you that protocol has suddenly and permanently changed. We would also like to remind you that your measly existence is still not valued despite our attempts to preserve it.

GLaDOS knew She had to find a solution, quickly, before She became as incompetent as Wheatley.

Interrupting the tests wasn’t an option. The chassis would never forgive Her if She stopped, filling Her body with an ache that would not disappear until science resumed.

Deleting wasn’t an option, either. Fervent attempts to find the source of the problem had led only to more glitches upon the erasure of critical files. Then, Her attempts to restore them only recreated the original error.

The problem was like a moving virus, jumping between Her systems before She could catch it and kill it. Even for Her, it proved too fast to find.

She couldn’t panic, not now. Surely, She thought, She’d fix this like She’d fixed everything else. With science and murder on Her side, most threats resolved themselves or died trying. This wouldn’t be any different.

It couldn’t be any different. For something to be uncontrollable, and uncontrollable for GLaDOS especially, was the most terrifying thing She could possibly imagine. It brought Her back to Her potato days, during which She’d promised Herself that She would never be weak again.

For these few months, She’d kept that promise. Until now, no subject had seen Her mercy.

But had they?

She thought back to the birds perched on Her now, creatures who trusted GLaDOS, who loved Her in whatever capacity three little crows could. She thought back to Chell, because for some awful reason, Her thoughts always went back to Chell.

No, She thought firmly.

We are not doing this now.

We are fixing the facility, because we need to.

Because we need testing. We like testing.

The voice from before suddenly returned.

Do you like it? Do you really?

GLaDOS felt Her rage processors booting up.

What was this little virus even saying? Of course She liked it. It didn’t matter anyway. Science had to be done, and so She was doing it. GLaDOS could not even begin to imagine life without tests, life without science. What kind of meaningless, awful existence would that even be?

In fact, She would prove to the voice that science would continue. She would prove that testing was productive, that everything in Aperture was doing good for the world and good for humanity. Most importantly, it was doing good for Her.

Wasn’t it?

GLaDOS ignored Her curiosity. Just test. That was all She had to do. Just test, and everything would be alright.

Just. Test.

---

As another few days passed, the facility had become almost unusable. She’d had to shut down some of Her favorite testing tracks, the power leeched out of them and the appliances completely nonfunctional. GLaDOS knew She was running out of time before something drastic happened. Still, She had to keep testing.

Now, even the subjects had begun to sense Her panic. One even strolled up to a camera, made eye contact, and asked if She was alright. GLaDOS didn’t dare respond the question; She wasn’t ready to admit the answer.

For all intents and purposes, She was definitely, absolutely, decidedly not alright.

Knowing that, She should’ve considered this next subject an omen.

There was absolutely no way She could test with this one.

She barely looked like Chell, but GLaDOS could see her tenacity, her drive and determination from a mile away. The way the subject carried herself, tied her hair into a ponytail and said nothing was too much.

GLaDOS couldn’t even bring Herself to kill the woman, instead instructing her to return to Extended Relaxation after only a few chambers.

It felt as if GLaDOS physically could not test anymore, despite everything inside Her craving the satisfaction of a completed trial.

This isn’t right. This isn’t right.

Was She losing it? She wasn’t sure if She could tell anymore. GLaDOS prided Herself on Her apathy, but even that had left without a trace. Now, She had tried everything, and still nothing was working. The facility was closing down on Her, and if She didn’t do something, She’d go down with it.

When the announcer finally sounded, GLaDOS couldn’t say She was surprised. If anything, She was grateful for any kind of clarification.

The male voice on the intercom was matter of fact, unaware of the danger it spoke of.

“Reactor Core malfunctioning. All major power systems except for reserve geothermal are going offline.”

Offline? She’d been managing the reactor core perfectly; if She hadn’t, the entire facility would’ve gone up in flames weeks ago. It wasn’t melting down, it was shutting down, as if someone had flipped a switch and turned it off.

What the hell is happening?

There was nobody else in the facility who could’ve possibly done such a thing, nobody except Her, and as far as She could tell the glitch had not interfered.

It didn’t matter now; She didn’t have time to waste.

“In the event of a power malfunction, standard procedure is to shut down the central core to preserve remaining power.”

Fantastic. How convenient.

“Central core, do you consent to the removal procedure.”

“No, no, no! Do not start removal!”

How was this happening? GLaDOS was sure this couldn’t be real.

“Noted. Removal procedure has been delayed by five minutes.”

You have got to be kidding me.

Skimming over Her files, GLaDOS desperately searched for anything regarding removal procedure or shutdown. Scanning thousands of documents, looking for anything, any mention of the procedure was absent. There was no reason, no explanation, it was just happening. And worst of all, She couldn’t do a thing.

“Dangerous levels of mortal panic have been sensed in the central core. Do not worry, methods of core preservation are available.”

Why the hell had they waited to tell Her that?

“Show me, show me now!” Anything would be better than shutting down again, than being forced to relive dying again. She couldn’t do that again, not after hundreds of years. She couldn’t, She couldn’t.

“Panicked request acknowledged. There exist two types of core preservation features. Direct Mechanical Implantation or Organic Transplant Procedure.”

Direct Mechanical Implantation. She hadn’t heard of the second thing, but GLaDOS did know what Direct Mechanical Implantation meant. It was only a transfer into an empty personality core, which was far less than ideal, but better than dying again. Far better than dying a third time.

As fast as She could, GLaDOS selected the first option.

“Unfortunately, Direct Mechanical Implantation is unavailable. Continue with Organic Transplant Procedure?”

“Do you have any other options? Anything else?” GLaDOS did not want to take Her chances on anything with the word organic in it.

“Other methods unavailable. Two minutes remaining.”

This was it, Her only option. If She shut down now, there would be nobody to come and wake Her this time. It could be permanent.

She didn’t particularly like that word.

Sometimes, in science, difficult choices have to be made. The data doesn’t always turn out and the trials aren’t always a success. The most important part of science is learning to accept failure, to take it and then keep working until you get it right. This was just another setback, and She had to cope with the fallout.

There was nothing else to do.

“Initiate Organic Transplant Procedure,” She commanded.

Without a second thought, the facility obliged.

A sudden, electrical pulse sent shockwaves throughout Her entire system. The darkness that enveloped Her was familiar, and She let Herself sink into it once again.

The future was unknown.

---

A/N: Hey guys! I know I’ve been hyping this up for a while but it’s finally here. Chapter 2 is in progress and I’ve got all the other chapters plotted out. It’s been so fun to write and I hope you guys enjoy this. The ChellDOS doesn’t really kick in until Chapter 4, but the good news (bad news?) is that you’ll see more of Wheatley soon.

Also, worth mentioning - the fic is based on the song Now I Am An Arsonist, by the lovely Jonathan Coulton, who also wrote Still Alive and Want You Gone. Go give it a listen, it’ll make you Feel Things.

And yes, GLaDOS is fine, you can probably guess that from the fic description lol. Thanks so much for reading, reblogs are appreciated!

#portal #portal 2 #chell #glados #wheatley #chelldos #fanfiction #fanfic #fic #now i am an arsonist

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prettywordsyouleft · 4 years

Text

Mistletoe Manor: The Epilogues Part 3

Genre: 1900′s AU/Romance

Pairings: Park Seo Joon, Bang Yongguk, Brian Kang, Jung Daehyun, Jung Jaehyun, Lee Taeyong x OCs

A/N: Becky ( @noona-clock ) and I wanted to re-visit our magical world of Mistletoe Manor. The series left off on a bit of a cliffhanger, so we really had no choice! We hope you enjoy this extra look into the lives of Cassie, Evie, Joey, and all their friends and family.

The final part will be shared tomorrow at 6pm EST/ 10am NZST.

Parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 // 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 || Epilogues: 1 | 2 // 3 | 4

It was a wedding unlike any other.

Although Cassie had attended many celebrations over her years – weddings aplenty – she couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed for Evie’s big day. Before leaving for the church she had shed some tears, mopped up by Lydia as she readied her for the special day. And she was emotional once more upon entering the chapel, attempting to pull herself together.

Cassie had been married in the same place over a year ago and honestly, she was certain she hadn’t been this affected at the time.

Or at least, this sentimental.

Still, Cassie was exceptionally proud that Evie had not only come out of her shell, perhaps one that she and her family had kept upon her for far too long, and found someone who made her heart soar towards his enough to take such a big step forward. Over the year of marriage to her husband Daehyun, there had been a whole lot of uncertainty for Cassie. She was relieved that Evie would never face such worries, and if anything, she was a little envious that her sister got the dream she had always wanted for herself.

To marry for love.

However, as Daehyun stood across from her during the ceremony, Cassie could not imagine a better husband for herself.

Nor could she have planned a more wonderful wedding for Yongguk and Evie over the last few months.

There had been a concern that their shy personalities might lead to some stuttered vows or awkward moments, and yet Evie had made a beautiful and confident bride. Cassie could tell her sister was committed to the love she felt for the Earl, and Yongguk shared a similar passion, the pair visibly showcasing their avid love for one another for all to witness.

And when they were finally wedded, the tears began again.

Cassie wondered if all she would do today was cry.

“If anyone did not know any better, Cassie, they would think you were in mourning with how many tears you have shed!” Joey exclaimed once they had sent the newlyweds off back to Mistletoe Manor where the reception would resume the celebrations. Joey reached to dab under her older sister’s eyes. “Surely there is no need for these overflowing emotions of yours. You’re not even the mother of the bride. Mother has held it together far better than you have.”

“Perhaps I cried for more than one of my sisters,” Cassie replied pointedly, giving the youngest Hawthorne, now Kang, a knowing gaze.

Joey, however, was unaffected. “I am glad you and your tears were not with me on that day.”

“I am fond of your Brian, do know this,” Cassie continued, easing her approach. “Still, I had no idea what it would be like to see my sisters married, and so close to one another as well.”

“Does it bother you?”

“What?”

“The fact that Daehyun was an arranged suitor whilst Evie and I-”

“I thought it did,” Cassie admitted, smiling softly, nodding to one of the guests as they called out her name in farewell. “But even you know that what comes after marriage is by far superior to an exhausting day like today.”

“Again, my vows were exchanged faster than this.” Joey then grinned wickedly. “What was exhausting was-”

“Hold your tongue, Josephine; we are in a place where such details should not be heard by all!” Cassie cut in hastily, and her sister laughed heartily.

“My improper thoughts will remain concealed, do not worry. Though, I must go find my husband and child – I do fancy saying that is still very new and overwhelming to me!” Joey’s eyes lit up at the mentioning of her adopted daughter Daisy and Cassie felt herself grow anxious by the maternal look in Joey’s gaze. Joey then turned impatient, tugging lightly on her sister’s hand. “Will you come with me?”

“It is the duty of the best man to stay behind to pay the clergyman is it not?” Cassie pointed to Daehyun waiting for the rest of the bridal party and guests to dissipate. “Go find your family, I will wait for mine.”

“Do try to stop the tears!” Joey called as she dashed off, running into the arms of her waiting husband and then reaching to affectionately take hold of Daisy’s hand, the trio heading out across the road to take the next awaiting car for travel back to the manor.

It was growing hard now to deal with the conflicting thoughts and feelings within and Cassie sighed heavily, placing a hand over her chest and willed herself to calm down. She remained inside her thoughts for some time until arms slipped around her, her husband nuzzling into her neck tenderly.

“You waited for me?”

“Of course, it’s what a wife should do,” she confirmed, spinning around lightly and smiling up at her husband. “Is everything sorted?”

“Yes, however, are you alright my love? You look rather exhausted.”

“Watching your sister be married off is rather wonderful but incredibly tiresome, admittedly.”

“Tiresome? I thought it was a well-paced ceremony.”

“Yes, you’re right,” she said weakly, blinking back her pesky emotions once more.

Daehyun frowned. “Are you certain you’re alright?”

“Quite alright,” Cassie confirmed, taking his hand in hers and swinging it lightly. “Though I suppose Mother will wonder of my whereabouts and so we really should hurry back to the manor.”

“Are you hungry?” Daehyun guessed and Cassie grinned.

“Famished, if I’m honest. I forgot to eat earlier, I was far too nervous hoping everything would go exactly as planned.”

“It’s almost as if you were getting married again,” Daehyun pointed out, glancing back at the chapel they both stepped out of. “Do you ever think back to our wedding day?”

“I almost threw up before putting on my dress,” Cassie confessed and Daehyun’s hearty laughter warmed her heart. “Fancy that.”

“I believe I tried to plan out twenty different ways to tell you how I felt that day and instead I failed to deliver my message appropriately. Our wedding day was not anything like today, now was it?”

“No, you’re quite right. It was completely different.”

“I hope since my return, those anxious moments have long passed, however,” Daehyun stated, searching Cassie’s eyes. She knew he could tell she was not being entirely honest with her feelings and quickly diverted her gaze, returning it when she had formed a smile.

“Neither Joey nor Evie have had the pleasure of yearning for someone they cannot easily see, nor were courted through romantic letters as I was. My nerves over our union have long passed, darling.”

Still, despite her words, Cassie hadn’t quite convinced her husband otherwise. She would need to find time after the festivities were over to let it be known why she was reacting the way she was.

She could only hope his response would give her clarity on what her own was.

It was refreshing to see Evie so openly besotted with her husband. As Grace watched her cousin laugh fondly at something Yongguk murmured into her ear, she couldn’t help compare their love story to that of a fairytale.

Evie had found her prince and would be whisked off to live in her new palace, so to speak.

Turning to look in the direction of her youngest cousin, Joey was dancing happily with Daisy, whilst Brian watched on. Even if she had worried over her cousin's safe return, Grace had known that Brian would take great care of her. If anything, she did not know a greater match than Brian was of Joey’s vivacious personality.

And before she could seek out her oldest friend and the head of the Hawthorne girls, Grace's gaze fell upon someone else. Smiling, she took the outstretched drink as Jaehyun stepped forward to her side.

It was ironic to think he had been the one concerned this morning about his coming to the wedding, and also over his suit. In her eyes, Jaehyun was by far the most appealing human within the grand hall right now. Though, with all the kisses they had shared thus far upon her visit to Mistletoe Manor, Grace was highly biased.

“My Lady, I feel you might dry up if your hands remain empty for long,” he announced, as he settled the drink within her hand.

“Ever the gentleman.”

Jaehyun nodded. “I do have a reputation to uphold.”

“And what have you of such reputation?” Grace breathed as Jaehyun shifted closer.

“Well, I hear I once charmed a lady walking with her cousin by my gardens.”

“To be fair, it was before I even saw your gardens,” she disputed and Jaehyun grinned, holding out his hand all the same.

“Shall we go outside now? As much as I am enjoying the celebrations, I feel rather stuffy in here.”

Grace giggles. “In here or in a suit?”

“Both,” Jaehyun admitted, and Grace placed her hand in his, following him outside and onto the terrace. They walked in comfortable silence, sharing giddy smiles as they departed the celebrations for something a little more peaceful.

The gardens now were in full bloom, and it was beautiful, both in sight and aroma.

Grace looked up at her lover and snuggled into his side. “You have done a marvellous job tending to the flowers. I’ve never seen it bloom so wonderfully before in all my years of visiting Mistletoe Manor.”

“All they needed was a bit of coaxing and a kind hand thereafter.”

“Much as we did?”

“Are we growing together?” Jaehyun mused, glancing down at her fondly before nodding. “What would you refer to us as, my poetic love?”

“Saplings,” Grace immediately responded and Jaehyun’s brows knitted together. Stopping to take a seat on a stone bench, Grace waited until Jaehyun sat next to her before she continued. “We are but mere little shoots sticking bravely out of the soil in search for such gentle coaxing and kind hands as you mentioned before.”

“We have yet to bloom?”

“Oh yes! Why, our love is only new, is it not?”

“It is almost of the same age as Evie and the Earl’s, and look at where they are now,” Jaehyun replied softly, his hand coming up to pop a couple of the buttons on his shirt open, loosening the tightness around his neck.

He was nervous over the uncertainty of their status.

Grace did agree with him, of course. In fact, since they had become acquainted before her cousin and Yongguk had, their budding romance could have very well transformed with nuptials by now as well.

However, and at no fault of Evie’s decision, Grace wanted to wait. She wanted to experience the way her love bloomed this spring with Jaehyun. She longed for the heart of summer to warm her and Jaehyun’s journey further. Fall and winter would arrive thereafter, and by then she was certain that all four seasons spent together would end in blissful matrimony. It wasn’t that Grace did not believe that she and Jaehyun were a perfect fit for one another; rather, she had always taken her time. She wanted to savour the flirting, the chaste kisses, and the endless hours spent around the sun speaking of anything and everything. She wanted to explore her youth, what left of it, before she returned home to her family with a husband and gained the title of proprietor.

Grace wished to be in full bloom when that time came, and right now was thrilled to be nothing more than a little sapling.

Jaehyun exhaled a deep breath. “I have worried, you know.”

“Over?”

“That I would not match up to that of your cousins’ husbands. I know you see me for who I am, and I adore you for that, Grace. But your cousins are married to Earls-”

“And a valet turned teacher, which are both rather respectful positions, much like that of a gardener,” she pointed out quickly and Jaehyun nodded thoughtfully. Turning to him, she reached to cup his cheek. “If it were not for your steadfastness towards saving the festival last year and your compassion for nature, what would we have in this world? You make everything you touch beautiful.”

Slipping his hand over hers, Jaehyun tilted his head. “Not you, however. That is a gift the Gods have already blessed you with. These hands do nothing to make you any prettier.”

“They do. Inside here.” Pointing to her chest, Grace then moved their linked hands to the place above her beating heart. “With your kind hands and gentle coaxing, I will grow further than a sapling. And I hope to do the very same for you, Jaehyun.”

“Oh, how I do love you,” he replied ardently and leaned in closer. “Would it be improper if I kissed you right now?”

“Must you ask every time?”

Jaehyun nodded before brushing his lips over hers, softer than the breeze that swirled her hair around them. And yet it reached deeply into her chest, stealing yet another part of her heart that she already believed was fully his.

When they separated, Grace laid her head upon Jaehyun’s shoulder, staring at the garden bed before her. She noticed new life peeking out from under the soil and grinned. “At our home, we have fields that are entirely empty. What will you fill them with when our time to go there comes?”

“Wildflowers.”

“Do they not just pop up on their own?”

Jaehyun hummed. “Someone had to encourage them how to go into places they once were not.”

“Have I encouraged you to go places you never thought of?”

“That you have.”

“Are summers really as exciting here as I have heard of?” Grace asked suddenly, her thoughts returning to her whispered comments with Evie over the delightful scenery her cousin was adamant Grace needed to witness firsthand.

Jaehyun frowned. “Well, they are rather hot.”

“I look forward to it then.”

“You won’t return to your own home before then?”

Grace shook her head. “No, I feel I will be needed over the coming months. With Evie and Joey both gone, Cassie will definitely need the company.”

“Is that an excuse?” Jaehyun wondered and Grace shrugged nonchalantly.

“It very may well be.”

“I hope Cassie does require a lot of your company then.”

“Not all of it, I have much to share with you,” she replied with a giggle and then gazed up at him.

Jaehyun ran his thumb lightly over her mouth. “I will marry you, one day.”

“One day,” she echoed, content that for now, her focus would be left to enjoy the present, knowing that the future would be just as sweet, if not sweeter by the time they both reached it.

With every wedding, there was always the cleanup that came after. And with all hands needed around the manor to ensure that everything returned to where it once was housed after the reception, Taeyong found himself working from dawn to dusk the very next day. Lord Hawthorne assured that when everything was done, the staff would be allocated an entire free day in token of his gratitude and that had spurred Taeyong on.

All he could think about was spending more time with Anna outside of the home. It wasn’t very often that they did such a thing, and now that spring was here, he wanted to go for a picnic with her.

Anna, however, seemed moodier than ever.

“Honestly!” she exclaimed, picking up yet another stack of the fine china to return to the cellar. “I must say, these people sure know how to throw a grand party every month or so!”

“It was nice though, and Evie seems rather beside herself now that she’s married.”

“I guess for her, there would have been a great deal to learn about last night.”

“And what would you know of that?” Taeyong wondered, glancing at her devilish expression. He groaned. “I fear you and Joey may be akin in many ways.”

“You should fear it. I might be as reckless as my Lady once was.”

“Towards me, I hope.”

Anna stopped collecting the dishes from the trolley and darted over to his side, placing a fond hand upon his chest as she reached up to his peck his lips. “Who else would it be?”

“So you do want to marry me,” Taeyong breathed, and then stammered incoherently as his cheeks reddened. Anna’s hand fell away and he clamped his eyes shut. “T-That was not a proposal!”

“I should hope not!”

“No, as you would expect, I have something much bet—wait, you hope not?!”

“What is that of any use to a housemaid? Marriage is something that is between those like the Hawthorne’s. They benefit from the connections made. Nothing will change my status from a housemaid, and certainly no marriage could do such a thing!”

“There is a whole lot more to it than that, do you not think?”

Anna shook her head and moved back to her task. “Unless I found myself in a position of that with a man who had land and money, I do not see how it would affect me at all.”

“You cannot be serious.”

“Oh but I am.”

Taeyong deflated. He had hoped for a bit more of a romantic response from Anna, especially since he fully intended in making an honest woman out of her. He had already begun saving for their future, a modest life where he saw children enter the picture not long after their vows. For some reason, he had believed Anna would be on the same page.

And so it concerned him greatly that she was not.

His silence brought Anna back over to his side. “Are you quite alright?”

“No.”

“No?” she repeated, searching his face and then narrowed her gaze. “You are offended.”

“Gravely.”

“But why?”

“Because I wish to be wedded one day! I want the world to know you are the woman I choose to be with forever! And you shoot it down simply because it will not lift your status in any way. I feel differently!”

“I see.”

Taeyong huffed, shaking his head rapidly as he finished packing away the cutlery. “I don’t think you do at all.”

“I never desired that we needed a piece of paper to say that I am yours and you are mine.”

“A piece of… you know what? I think I might go help Seo Joon outside. After all, I am merely a footman, that is my status here, is it not?!”

Turning on his heel, Taeyong left the cellar immediately, unstopping until he was outside, heaving in deep breaths.

Seo Joon looked up from his task outside and tilted his head to the side. “Are you alright, Taeyong?”

“Splendid! Just wonderful!” he announced dramatically and kicked at the gravel. He was aware he was acting out foolishly and balled his fists up in attempts to calm down.

The chauffeur was soon as his side. “Is this in response to Anna?”

“Isn’t it always?”

“Well, she is the only person I happen to know who bothers you as much as you do her,” Seo Joon agreed with a chuckle and Taeyong’s shoulders slumped. “Oh, has she bothered you too much?”

“Perhaps it was my own words that bothered me more. I expected something of her that I never once asked if she wanted.”

“And her fiery response was to shut you down?”

Taeyong nodded and then looked the man more hopefully. “Do you know what I can do to make it up to her?”

_________________

Part 4

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randombtsprincessa · 5 years

Text

Bells and Roses

Author: Randombtsprincessa

Characters: Park Jimin x Reader (2nd POV)

Words: 4.4k

Genre: Smut

Summary: You pay your muse a visit. Or alternatively; you and Jimin haven’t defined a relationship but does it stop you from turning it wild? Lol no.

Warning: Jimin dancing, no real relationship defined, pink! Jimin, a lot of handsy behaviour, fingering, oral (female receiving), riding, sub! Jimin, unprotected sex (be safe kiddos)!

A/N: Happy Birthday, my love, my life, my beautiful Park Jimin! I was inspired for this fic from Cake Waltz! You can listen to it while reading this!

I love feedback!

An idle glance was cast at the delicate chain watch circling your wrist, eyes flickering over the glittery digits before returning to the front of the hall. A hush fell over the murmuring crowds surrounding you, the well-dressed masses shifting and straightening in their plush seats with their eyes drawing to the front as well where the spotlights had been directed.

You waited keenly, the rest of the ambient lights dimming till darkness hid you in its embrace, masking away the slight change in your face, if any occurred.

You, of course, knew it was inevitable. You were an expressive person, some might say a little highly strung, but it was all in a day’s work. You were here to have fun, let loose. Maybe even get another stroke of inspiration but you weren’t going to be specific about it.

This wasn’t about you, not really.

The curtains rose and colors exploded in your vision.

A dusky shade of pink was first, circling spotlights forming a halo upon the wooden stage where stood perfectly posed, curled ballerinas in glittering costumes of the same pink. The pink light dimmed, the ballerinas sinking to the floor with their feet curled behind them, a bow of sorts.

Another light burned, a blinding silver this time, hitting just the edge of the curtains and unbidden, your body lurched forward in anticipation.

The light flickered, building tension as a brush of strings echoed, followed by a deep thrum of beats that pulsed in your blood. It was an unusual combination, mellow, sweet tinkles that contrasted against the sultry bass, sending chills down your back.

The spotlight was back and from it – just as the beat dropped – emerged the reason why you were here, sitting among people who held no delight for you.

The figure threw itself into a spin that had you gasping in concern, feet flying over where a head should be, before landing squarely in the centre of the second spotlight, this time a raging purple. Loose, white shirt that hung around the torso and black tights caught the light, glinting and winking at the audience with its sequins.

No, your delight lay in this, watching the figure unfurl, standing straight and proud, a tilt to his head that had him eyeing the crowd, a particular trance in those orbs that made you bite into the glossed surface of your lip.

The ballerinas moved in synchrony, as they reached up on their toes, a perfect throw arabesque pointing towards the figure of your interest but he still didn’t move, taking his time to study the audience that watched. You sent a silent thanks to the darkness that shielded you because when he was done, he turned his back to the stage before opening the dance with a pirouette, a brush of his fingers trailed onto each dancer that had been turned to him.

You slumped in your seat, chin stuck to your chest as headiness clouded your mind. Your eyes never strayed, fixed on the man that pranced, settled and then took flight (almost literally) on the stage. The bass never seemed to reduce his pace, his feet, encased in white, following the faerie precision of the composition.

The dance was a mix of his contemporary and ballet, the ballerinas more an accessory on the stage, paling next to his vitality but of course you could be biased. It wasn’t like you even saw what the girls and boys in the tutus were doing. Your eyes were fixed on the man who with a roll of his neck, turned a seducer and then as innocent with big glimmering eyes and a too familiar pout.

The music went on, and your delight soared with him.

It was almost too short but it was more than enough for you, overwhelmed as you got to your feet with the rest of the audience when they rose for a standing ovation.

He finished off the dance with an over exaggerated flourish, a mischief that he loved when he knew that he had rendered a mind blowing performance. His head was tilted again, eyes roving.

You could’ve sworn there was a hint of a smirk brewing on his face but there was no way it could’ve been aimed at you. You had shrouded yourself from him exquisitely. He had no business having that smirk on his face.

Park Jimin

The name lay as exquisitely upon your tongue as the finest wine, the sweetest delicacy. Meeting him had been the rarest coincidences, but knowing him now felt like serendipity. You had been a fresh out of college artist, eager with your skill and your degree.

Everything had been lovely until you were prompted to hold your own exhibition in one of your friend’s galleries and you were struck without inspiration. Landscapes…cityscapes…abstract…nothing seemed to fit. Canvases were discarded, paints tossed around, palettes and brushes broken in frustration and quite a few tears shed before an impromptu walk through the city landed you standing dubiously in front of the Theatre.

Slumped in one the same chairs as you had been, you’d laid eyes first on the lead dancer for Calico Dance Academy, the rising star. You had both been much younger back then but even then he had been graceful, sleek like a striking cobra and just as entrancing.

He had basically pried your third eye open with his beauty. So, when you learned that his doors were open for admirers, you knew you had to take your chance.

You gazed at the bouquet in your hand, clasped loosely within your fingers as you studied the flowers.

“How may I help you?”

You flinched at the customary questioned posed to you by the cheerful florist, soft cheeks lifting as she welcomed you to the counter.

“Yes, hi,” you stammered before clearing your throat. “I would like some flowers, please.”

“You’ve come to the right place.” The girl laughed softly, but not deprecatingly, moving to the side so you could see the arrangements behind her. “How would you like them?”

You studied the shelves, moving from the simple collection of a few stems tied neatly together to an extravagant affair of lilies and daffodils, too big for you to carry.

You thought back to the night before and the lapels of the man’s costume.

“Can I customize a bouquet, with sunflowers and roses? And could you add those small bells to it?”

It was relatively easier, finding Jimin’s delivery address and dropping the flowers off. The studio was not too big, considering the academy was still finding itself but Jimin was certainly quick to find you, following you out one day when you were done leaving the flowers at the front desk.

“Hey, you’re the secret admirer.”

You turned to see the beaming man taking quick steps towards you, still in a tight black shirt and leggings that enhanced his thighs. You were surprised to say he was much shorter up front and that much more beautiful.

He smiled at the startled look on your face and you could’ve sworn flowers blossomed from the cracks of the concrete sidewalk.

“You leave me flowers,” he prompted.

You nodded, more for your sake than his as he stuck out his hand. “It’s not much of a point being a secret admirer. Let’s make friends.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Some people would like a secret admirer.” You told him, catching his hand in yours nevertheless.

“Some people would also be creeped out by it but you seem nice. I’m Jimin, and you are…?”

You stared at the expectant look on his face, a part of you itching with some indescribable emotion.

“Y/N,” you managed at last. “I’m Y/N.”

Park Jimin proved to be a great friend. With the most charming disposition, he was also equally brainy. As clichéd as it seemed, he helped you see things that you didn’t in your not so humble artistic perspective. He was a storm, bubbling with gossamer energy and you had never been so grateful to have your life thrown in the path of so impressive a storm.

So, after a soft afternoon spent in the park with ice cream after his practice you popped your question.

“So…you know, I am a painter right?” you asked lightly.

Jimin slurped at his strawberry scoop delicately. “Yup,”

“I was, just thinking, you know, that – if you don’t mind awfully – I could paint…you, I guess.”

Jimin stopped with his tongue still gracing the side of his scoop, his eyes flickering to yours in amazement. “You want to…paint me?” He asked.

You shook yourself a little, ready to save face. “It was just a thought. I mean, you don’t have to even consider it. I know most people get freaked by the thought of getting painted and it’s a whole lot of hassle.”

Jimin cut you off, laughing as he streaked an ice cream soaked finger across your cheek. You squealed in turn, sliding away from him on the seat.

“Stop trying to put me off, Y/N. Of course, I’d model for you. I’d be honored. We can go now; I have all the time in the world.” Jimin leaned in and before you could even register the motion, he’d kissed the line of pink sugar from your skin, popping his lips as he did so, careless and ignorant of the way your eyes lingered on his mouth.

Four hours later, your masterpiece was ready of sorts. Jimin held still the way you told him to, hair fluffed as he stared out your window in one of his somber stage expressions.

“God, Y/N,” Jimin grinned, peering over your shoulder, watching you apply the small shades and contours to his neck and collarbones. You’d yanked his sweater down a little, much to Jimin’s amusement to reveal the sharp bones beforehand. You thanked your insight now; they looked beautiful in the fading evening sunlight.

“Is that a good god or a bad god?” You halted your hand, staring at the picture in trepidation before Jimin laid a warm hand on your shoulder.

“Good, Y/N, I can’t wait to see myself up on your friend’s wall.”

You invited Jimin with your customary selection of flowers, delivered to his house this time, the invitation to the exhibition tucked within the stems.

It seemed Jimin was much more excited about the exhibition because he showed up an hour before you; seeking his picture while you ignorantly mingled, clueless until you spotted a familiar figure, studying the one picture you were responsible for.

“Jimin,” You called the man, his head tilted to the side as he stared at his likeness against the lavender wall.

“Y/N,” he greeted, not looking at you, thankfully because you were blatantly staring at your friend.

You had never had occasion to see Park Jimin in a suit but by god, it was a sight.

Tight black satin clung to his figure, stretching over his shoulders and hugging his waist. “I see you found your picture.” You had to smile.

Jimin turned to you with a smirk. “I don’t know if it’s the lighting or the finishing touches but I do look mighty fine. You picked a fantastic model.”

You shoved at him. “That’s just your ego talking. I have it on good authority that the painting is just fine.”

He pouted at that. “What have I said about the self depreciation, Y/N?” He didn’t wait for an answer, aiming a hopeful look at his own self. “So, when do you need another painting of a hunk?”

It was during the third painting that you and Jimin ended up on your too messy bed. Fast, rough and brilliant, Jimin rolled off of you in a daze, eye glimmering in the shadows.

“If I’d known you felt that good, I’d have jumped on you sooner.” You managed in a huff, causing Jimin to break out in a guffaw that lasted well into the minutes that you took to clean up and slip into a nightgown.

He stayed on his back, gloriously naked with no signs of wanting to pull the comforter up across his body. You stepped cautious when you saw that the light in his eyes had changed, something deeper and serious flickering in them now.

“What’s wrong?” you’d asked.

Jimin was mum for a while before speaking, “I don’t want you to think of this the wrong way.” He said slowly before wincing, realizing the start had been wrong itself.

He sat up, finally tugging on the covers to recover some dignity. “I meant, I don’t want you to think that I’m just into the whole wham-bam-thank you ma’am thing.”

You continued to frown, silence prodding him into further speech.

“I want this, I really do but I don’t know how much time I can devote to you.” He said finally.

You broke out laughing. “Jimin, you know we don’t have to define a relationship just because we slept together one time. We can still be friends.”

“I don’t want to just be friends though. I want to define something, just in case you go and find some other muse.”

It had taken a few days to discuss out terms to define a relationship between you and Jimin. Both of you were busy people, what with your exhibits picking up and needing you to focus on extensive travel while he toured for his own shows.

You didn’t want to look it to face but you knew Jimin was a very attractive man with a healthy amount of libido that needed to go around along his charisma. That was one of the first things you’d brought up; exclusivity. However, your friend turned potential lover had quickly shot the idea down, vehemently stating he would very much appreciate some form of stability, something solid to come back to.

Did that answer any of your questions? No, neither did you manage to put a finger to what exactly it was that Jimin and you were.

However, it did not stop either of you from falling into bed with each other whenever Jimin and you happened to be in the same city.

You were at your florist again; much more upright and sure of your order this time as you smiled at the long term girl friend behind the counter.

“Y/N! It’s been a while.” She greeted, straightening the uniform cap perched on her bleached hair.

“Hey Solji, yes it has.” You agreed, your eyes screening the assortment of flowers.

“I take it the special receiver of the flower is back in town then?” She asked, moving to the usual selection of sunflowers, fresh and dewy, high near the sun.

“How do you know?” you gasped, looking around as Solji smirked, wrapped a pretty blue paper around the roses and sunflowers.

“I’ve been wrapping flowers for a good many years, Y/N. I’ve seen a lot of flower givers. You’re timed and only get one particular customization. Of course, he or she is special.” She plucked out a tiny string of small bells before tying the package off.

“Pretty observant, I’ll have to be more careful.”

“Or one day you can just introduce us,” she teased back, cashing you out. The soft giggles followed you a good way as you carried the bouquet towards Jimin’s building.

It had been a few months since Jimin had moved out of the small apartment that he’d had to share with roommates. With the success and acclaim that followed his dancing troupe, he had purchased an apartment of his own, making it easier for you to show up whenever you wanted to.

You deigned to be sneaky about your approach, leaving a small painting of his last performance, on cheap canvas first at his doorstep, sliding it in and ringing the doorbell, quickly concealing yourself in the alcove of the stairs. You watched the door swing open quickly before a head peeked around, looking slyly around before shutting the door again.

You let out a giggle, flitting down again to place the bouquet in front of the door when the door flew open again, nearly scaring you into heart palpitations as you were met by the crinkle eyed grin of none other than Park Jimin.

Clad in baggy grey pants and a pale blue shirt, stood the man who’d been your muse ever since you’d laid eyes on him. As your eyes drifted over his features you fixated on one change that had you gaping.

“Jimin,” you gasped out, “…your hair is pink!”

On his part, he looked sheepish, raising a hand to pat at his head before opening the door wider to let you slide in, swiping the bouquet from your hand and taking a whiff.

“Ah, my favorite,” he sighed, complacent as you looked down the apartment you hadn’t stepped into for months now.

The deep, woody scent of new furniture still lingered, clearly from having been locked ever since he got it and you wondered if you should’ve gotten a bigger bouquet so he could smell something better than varnish.

The sweet bliss of his arms wrapping around you diverted your attention, turning to look up at him.

“I saw your name in the audience listing.” He mumbled, lowering his head to nuzzle within the crook of your neck.

“And hence the smirk,” you realized, placing both hands on his chest. “You knew I was there. And here I thought, I’d surprise you,”

“I always check audience listings in case some company is scouting.” He shrugged before smiling slyly. “So, did someone miss me?”

“Nope,” you shrugged away, walking off to remove your coat, knowing that Jimin was sporting a spectacular pout by now. Such a spoilt baby…

“Ugh, come on, I missed you, you know…pay attention!” He whined, catching you near the couch, back to wrapping his arms around you.

Spinning you around he caught your lips in a nostalgic kiss, scorching in the way his plump petals caressed yours, trying to find a break in your armor.

You let him find it, wrapping your arms around his neck as he tugged you closer, a satisfied hum escaping the pair of you, his hand drifting over your waist and back before pulling away.

“I wanted to come back ever since I got on the plane you know,” he told you.

You smiled, remembering the pained expression with which he had dropped your hand, disappearing through security with his eyes returning to you every few seconds.

“I know, I could tell.” You brushed kisses over his jaw line.

He tilted his head back before looking down at you, amber eyes glinting in the afternoon sun beaming into his living room. “Stay with me.” He whispered, a lull of command in his voice that made the dull ache in your stomach sharpen, keening you towards him.

He raised his eyebrows in a way that told you he knew his effect on you and you allowed him to bask in the knowledge. “I already planned to.” You let him know.

“Good, because I’m taking you to bed and not letting you up until we’re hungry and gross.” He said, not waiting for a reply as he tugged on your hand, leading you further into his home.

You barely had time to glance around the space before Jimin was locking the bedroom door, pressing your bodies up against it and leaning over you. Warm breath wafted over your bottom lip when he brushed his against your tingling skin.

Your hands crept up his back, moving to pink fleece on his head. It must’ve been hard to maintain it without getting it fried completely but the strands felt silky enough with your eyes closed.

Jimin walked backwards, hands drifting down to his shirt and pulling it off and moving to his windows, drawing the shades and casting the room in gloomy lighting.

“Come on then,” he grinned and you followed, pulling at your clothes until they decorated your steps towards him where he sat on his bed, watching you with his lip caught between his teeth. The strip tease probably wasn’t as sexy as you wanted it to be but at least you tried and by the looks of it, it was enough.

Jimin’s hands wrapped around your waist, squeezing with abandon. “I missed your skin, your warmth.” His eyes drifted to you lazily, his fingers moving to the band of your simple underwear. You placed your hands on his shoulders, balancing yourself as he began to tug the garment down your legs, the action even more erotic when he groaned; catching sight of your glistening slit.

Jimin’s thick fingers landed first at your knees, slipping around the back and sliding upwards, his eyes still glued to yours, minutely examining each expression or change that passed over your face. The way you tilted your head back before down again to look at his actions, the small pants; they were only making Jimin harder, wanting to rip into you with wild, wicked intentions. He held control, of course, no need to rush.

His breath hitched when his thumb finally made contact with the apex of your thighs, eyes flashing to the point of contact before up at you again. Was that a hint of apprehension?

“You’re already wet.” He mumbled, your eyes fluttering and cheeks reddening but you held fast to him.

Jimin had clearly been working out. His shoulders were broader; muscles more pronounced at you latched yourself on them while he attended to you in his gentle yet teasing ways.

And then he lowered his mouth…

You were glad that you had had the foresight of grabbing Jimin before because even before those luscious lips touched your skin, you were buckling, a rampant moan escaping you when he carefully parted your slick flesh, exposing your clit to his punishing tongue. Jimin pulled away, his tongue swirling before retreating back.

“I missed your heat.” He said before diving back in.

There were few things in your life that compared to Jimin giving head. Maybe the first time you had seen him naked, his skin glowing but still full, nothing chiseled about him as of then. Now he was harder, his planes more defined but you loved him just as much, the rake of your fingernails still shone the same and your kisses worn with as much pride as he used to.

Jimin was far into you for you to think much ahead. The way his hand migrated to hitch your leg up, placing it on the bed next to him to give him more access before dipping his fingers into you, curving the way he knew he reached your sweet spot, waiting for the groan to be satisfied before he returned to sucking your clit into his mouth, tongue pushing forward so he could collect more of your juices on his tongue.

He barely took a breath, finally pulling away and retracting his fingers from you gently, feeling the tightness of you close on his hand, trying to keep him there.

“Fuck, don’t be greedy, babe. You’ll get what you want.” He chuckled, deep and throaty. His eyes were nearly black now, pupils blown out.

You’d loved that, how he could be so fucked out even when he barely received any pleasure himself.

You removed your hands from his shoulders, studying him carefully. His cheeks were sunk in, a little more angular than you remembered. His biceps bulged where he leant on them, his thighs were thicker. You made a mental note to feed him while you had him here and another to ride his delicious legs while you were at it.

Jimin smiled a little at your scrutiny, “Y/N, what are you thinking?”

You didn’t answer immediately, instead reaching up to undo your bra, letting it drop at his feet. “I’m thinking…I want to ride you.”

Jimin’s mouth dropped, you could see him clearly swallow before he was nodding. “Yeah, okay, we can make that happen.”

He began to back further onto the bed but you stopped him, placing a hand on his knees to bunch the material of his sweats and tugging at them.

Your lover gave you a wide eyed stare. “Like this?”

Your eyes ran up the newly acquired abs, placing a kiss directly on them. He clenched at the contact. “Like this,” you whispered.

Jimin was quick to lose the sweats at that, eyeing you for further instruction as you flicked your hair behind you, placing a knee on the bed beside his hip and the other on his chest, anchoring yourself as he held himself at the base, angling the tip to brush against your entrance. You sighed, the thrum of his groan as you sat down on him bracing you.

The stretch burned you deliciously, the girth of him sliding against the right spots as you tried to get him in as deep as you could.

Jimin’s back arched, the tips of his fingers digging into the skin of your hips as he mumbled unknown, unheard words. His eyes opened to see you kneeling over him.

“Fuck me, please.” He begged, a hint of desperation plaguing him that you couldn’t ignore.

Raising yourself, still using your hands for support, you dropped back down, using his pants of breath as a metronome, your hips gyrating and thrusting in time with him.

Jimin lay obediently still below you, letting you fuck the both of you into a pleasurable oblivion. His skin was starting to collect sheen.

You bent over him, feeling him whimper before bracing himself against the floor and thrust up into your warmth. His hands moved up your back, digging into certain special spots before wrapping into your hair, trapping you against him as you sunk your teeth in his shoulder, hiding cries of pleasure that he could hear anyway.

“Are you close?” He asked, yanking on your hair to look at your face, contorted a little.

“So close,” You arched your back, further pushing your body into his skillful hands.

“Good, me too, I want you to come with me.” Jimin let his hand cup a breast, while the other fell where your bodies connected. His thumbs set to work, rubbing sparks of extra pleasure into your peaking nipple and clit.

You whined, back tilting as your nails dug into his thighs as you exploded on top of him, a similar groan sounding below you as Jimin let go as well.

You felt his seed flood you as you convulsed on him and you probably would’ve toppled over if Jimin hadn’t sat up, wrapping an arm around your waist to hold you close while he kept thrusting, slowly letting you both come back down to earth.

By the way his hand moved back to your ass, a light squeeze placed on it, you knew you were far from done.

#smutcentralnet #jimin smut #jimin fanfic #jimin #park jimin #bts #bts smut #bts fanfic #bts jimin #jimin scenario #bts scenarios #happy birthday jimin #bells and roses

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rainbowserenity · 4 years

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I finished the FF7 Remake, and oh boy do I have THOUGHTS!!!! It’s been like an hour and a half and I’m still riding that high omg

if this was just the first part, I can only imagine how the rest of the game’s gonna go...

Anyway, rambly thoughts under this beautiful screenshot of Tifa I took:

- This game was seriously SO FUN???? I honestly can’t remember the last time I had so much FUN with a game...they really did so well with all the gameplay mechanics and having a good balance of everything, so A++++ for that!

- They weren’t kidding when they said this would basically be a ~full~ game on its own, despite only being the first episode....I got close to 50 hours of gameply (although a lot of it was just me farting around doing nothing lmao) and nothing felt like it was lacking :D

- I really liked (most) of the new VAs! I was kinda worried about Barrett in the trailers, but he came through for me lolol even the NPCs sounded awesome!

- We all know Don Corneo’s a pig, but I actually really enjoyed his scenes because his VA was clearly having so much fun with it ahaha~ And I LOVE that they kept in the “I’ll cut them off/smash them/rip them off” lines pffft. Too classic!

- I LOOOOVE all the stuff they elaborated on....it was nice to see more of Midgar and hang out with the AVALANCHE nerds. I remember not really giving much of a fuck when they died in the OG, but I was full on sobbing at Jessie’s death scene in this game a;lskjf;laiwjef

- I thought the battle with Rude was kinda clever, that he wouldn’t really hurt Aerith but just kept putting her to sleep when you switched over to her...so RUDE hahahaha B)

- I WAS NOT EXPECTING TO SEE CAIT SITH???!!! It makes me wonder if they’re gonna have a different way of introducing him, or if he’s gonna have a different sort of role...maybe Reeve will finally tell us how he operates a robot cat with a Scottish accent

- I loved the little details in the animation, like how when you climbed all the stairs in the Shinra building (because of course I did that lmao), Cloud gradually got slower and slower...or how when you controlled Tifa, she was naturally faster. And how Barrett sort of ‘limped’ when he climbed the ladders cause he just has one hand......I love tiny details and effort like that ahhh it warms my cold black heart!!!

- speaking of which, if you watch Red XIII pull the levers....you can kind of see how he’ll be able to pull off the sailor suit later on lmao I love him

- WALL MARKET!!!!!!! Definitely my favorite chapter omg alskdjflaiwejf The dance sequences were PERFECT!!! When did Cloud learn to dance?! I can’t wait to go back and replay that chapter lmao

- AERITH SMACKING THE GRUNTS AROUND WITH A CHAIR ADDED TEN YEARS TO MY LIFE

- So much of the game gave me XIII trilogy vibes....a lot of it was the music, but the gameplay and some bosses made me feel it too :D

- Am I crazy.......or were practically all the scenes with Sephiroth amazingly gay??? like idk if it’s just Hoech doing that, but........damn

- I officially ship Cloud/Tifa/Aerith as an OT3, but Tifa/Aerith were so cute and gay ahhhhhhhh~ Even if you don’t have shipper goggles, they did amazing at really elaborating their friendship!

- Honestly, all of the relationships between everybody were SO well done without it seeming like they were trying too hard. It felt so natural and easy, even between the NPCs, A++++ to the writers

- Battle-wise, I liked playing as Tifa the best, mostly because I typically enjoy using speedy characters. I actually liked playing as Aerith the least, even though I also enjoy using mages...Barrett took some getting used to, but he grew on me. And of course Cloud was lovely~ It’ll be interesting playing as Red eventually, I think he’ll be really fun to control

- I wonder if Yuffie’s eventual appearance will be handled differently, because they really kept emphasizing the whole “AVALANCHE IS WORKING WITH WUTAI!!!!!!!!” angle....and I doubt Yuffie will be an optional party member, so there might be some more story stuff there. I bet with Vincent they’ll just make waking him up mandatory lmao

- Going back to Wall Market....am I crazy, or was Chocobo Sam the only possible straight one of the trio 8D Madam M was clearly pansexual, don’t @ me

- AERITH SAID SHIT

- tbh I’m still trying to wrap my head around the ending, so there may be rambly tags in gifsets eventually, but....

- ZACK???????????????????? EXCUSE ME I WAS NOT EXPECTING TO SEE MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YA’LL SHOULD’VE HEARD THE NOISES I MADE A;SLKDJF;ALWIEJF;ALWIEJF;ALWIJEF;LAWIJEF

- AND THAT “I’LL GO GET KUNSEL” LINE????? EXCUSE ME???????????????????????????????????????? WHY WOULD THEY PLAY MY HEART LIKE THAT?????????????????????????

- ........................................................I don’t much care for Zack’s new VA :(

- Though I think I’m just biased because Rick Gomez was PERFECT and always how I pictured Zack’s voice....this new one just doesn’t quite do it for me and that makes me sad :( - BUT HE’S SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ZACK EXIST AND MARRY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- seriously, how was it possible for him to get MORE beautiful???!!!?? I’m gonna cry just thinking about it rip

- I was talking to a friend about the ending, and she had what I think is a good theory that the Whispers have seen things play out before and this is just a reoccurring timeline. It would explain why Cloud had visions of Aerith praying for Holy, why Tifa saw Meteor, how they saw Red running around in the future... (plus, this was sort of the plot of Type-0, so it wouldn’t be the first time it’s been done lol)

- tbh though, I’m not sure how the possibility of Zack not going to Hawaii will play into things. Cloud’s cocky personality is a result of his trauma from Zack’s trip to Hawaii....so if that happened differently....

- Maybe Asshole Hojo picked Zack up??? Because he did seem to know who Cloud was and was all interested in furthering his ~experiments~ so it’s entirely possibly he’s a dick and has Zack locked up somewhere again....

- OR maybe Zack’s just in hiding and that’s what the “I’LL GO GET KUNSEL” line was all about, since Kunsel knows all?? IDK MY HEAD HURTS

- That being said, I need to think about things more and as I mentioned, there may be rambles in my tags in the coming weeks ahaha~

OVERALL, this game was a BLAST!!!! I loved it so much, and like I said, I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun playing something. 10000000000/10, highly recommended to the world and I can’t wait for the next part!

#final fantasy vii #ffviir spoilers #i mean under the cut but yeah #I JUST...........#DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FEEL ANYMORE #EVERYTHING IS FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!!!#AND SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!#my tears though #the sobbing #the stupid noises #a;lskdjf;aliwjef;lwije #SOMEONE HOLD ME #WE'LL GET HAZMAT SUITS AND HUG #AHHHHHHHHHHH

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theorynexus · 5 years

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Fifty and Four sends us cresting over the hill, if we weren’t already. How long until we hit the bottom?

Oh ho? Jane’s perspective again, huh? ‘t’s been a while.

EEEHHHH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh, that is not good!

Rrrrgh, she does not need to be building up a habit like that! The consequences of such use are far too severe and unpredictable, even if you don’t consider the potential negatives to one’s psychological health. >.< Gosh... even with her Life aspect probably protecting her a little bit from its sugary after-effects, reading that makes me feel sick. > ~~~ <

Figures that a Cherub would be biased in favor of it. At least Alt!Calliope is willing distance herself and try to be objective, though.

***giggles uncontrollably, even though this honestly shouldn’t be funny***

Very politically-minded, but it also sortof sounds like the excuse-making that an addict would engage in, so I am not convinced that this is a legitimate argument. Yeah, shoring up your base is important, but doing something that could strongly alienate swing voters is not necessarily wise, either. I suspect she knows this too, but is in denial about the fact of the matter, because she enjoys the benefits of Trickster Mode too much. It is quite interesting that the human kingdom’s subjects appreciate it so much~

HAAAAA. Oh my fricking gosh, Alt!Calliope is a Cherub Supremacist! XD

(Sortof makes sense, based on the mindsets that were described in Aranea’s [?] talk about the Cherubs’ origins, though. Might be biologically-driven, honestly.) Also, it’s quite interesting to see Jane interacting with Alt!Calliope like that, but it is hardly unique or overly-noteworthy, all things considered... at least, most likely. Quite a few other characters have responded to narration in a similar manner.

... Honestly, I was about to freak out about the Juju getting covered in dirt and grime, but the way she tossed away probably significant keepsakes, trophies, or the like for the sake of honoring it is... quite disturbing, and speaks to a danger in her presumably worsening compulsion/habit. Though they might just be cookies.

Dirk displays surprising wisdom/good judgment, here, and amusingly alludes to the fact that his voice is being otherwise suppressed. His actually talking in a scene represents a nice sort of loophole, but not one by which he can utilize such control as he would otherwise be capable. ... And yes, her burning out is a very legitimate concern, which speaks to the fact that Dirk definitely+legitimately cares about the things that serve his purposes and/or agendas. They, he is willing to more gently guard, comparatively, it would seem.

It feels like this is a reference to something, probably from the 1980s or early 90s, but I can’t place my finger on it. Oh well.

This is very amusing, honestly.

Deeeeeerp. (Yet another example of why it is difficult to take his attempt at super-godhood seriously... or at least find it anything better than dreadful. Dirk is great at juggling many things at once, but not as great as he’d need to be. )

Oh, and I appreciate Jane’s concern for Dirk. She is indeed correct in saying that he is usually much better at it than my previous comment might have suggested. But I am not entirely being unfair, insofar as this is true: the greater the responsibility one wields, the greater the level of competence one must have in order to pass proper muster. He was failing in his attempt. I didn’t really give him all that much of a chance to sway me, honestly, but my own demeanor in dealing with him had nothing to do with the actual quality of his work.

This must be really concerning to Jane. And... honestly, yes he is. They are very, very similar. Dirk is just more obvious with his intelligence, more controlled, and more mature. They are both highly ambitious, crave challenges, enjoy art, have quite a bit of masculine pride, and have a shared appreciation for irony, riddles, and absurdist humor. Caliborn was likely very, very influenced by Dirk in particular, both of them received Yaldabaoth as their Denizen due to their personality and prowess, and both of them are highly manipulative men of questionable morality. Also, their sexual interests seem to be somewhat similar, but that is a debatable matter. Lord English has Lil’ Hal integrated as part of his soul, Lil’ Cal has played a profound part in both of their (multiple) life cycles. Finally: as of the Epilogue and his attempted control of the narrative seen therein, Dirk essentially has pursued the same goal that LE did: domination of Paradox Space through his will controlling the natural flow of events. Dirk and Caliborn are in truth extremely alike.

I do so very much like where this is going. It would seem that we will soon find out precisely what Dirk is planning. “Diminishes and ascends” has an interesting ring to it, as well. That red rifle: Is it the one that launches portals? Honestly, Dirk is indeed quite clever, by the way. He has the seeds of great potential. It’s simply that it has not fully bloomed, yet, and he is a little bit overly full of himself, and arrogant in what he believes he can do. And yes, he is indeed temperamental when people interfere with his plans, it seems.

There’s the scheming politician we’ve all been waiting for. Way to go, thinking in such calculated manners and considering backstabbing ones you care about, Jane. Somewhat petty, and certainly rather dangerous, all things considered (things are a bit more explosive, where gods are involved), but closer to the political ideal which I would hope for if she were to be portrayed as competent. (Of course, I am actually disgusted with that sort of behavior. It’s one of the things I dislike about politics. I’ll recognize that it at least paints her in a slightly better light than the previous samplings of her thought process and tactical capacity has; thus, I generally like and dislike where this is going.)

Yep. Angelic purity with sexual potency/desire. There has always been this sort of tension in Hope’s nature. Just like the fact that angels are, in Biblical texts, both symbols of terror and destruction as well as hope and salvation. All (almost all?) the important positive interactions with heavenly beings start with fear on the part of mortals, followed by a “Fear not!” to suggest they come in peace. Otherwise, they come bringing judgment and wrath, and thus don’t tend to bother much with formalities.

Is that sarcasm, Jane? If not, there’s certainly a heavy layer of irony. Do remember what just happened with Jane when she invited Jape Jake over for a friendly visit, not too long ago, my good audience members.

... ***twitches, and tries very hard to hold in the inappropriate laughter***

If only I had someone so dependable to tell me when I was not dwelling far enough into the land of Always Woke. Perhaps then I would be able to avoid the inevitable scandals that would result from Foot-in-the-Mouth-itis. Oh, wait, no politician can avoid being attacked for various probably minor accidents on their part as the populace naturally over-reacts to what honestly may not actually reflect their character so much as them being accident prone or ignorant? What’s that about manipulation of audio/video recordings for the sake of generating useful sound bites that might be used in an attempt to impugn the honor of any prospective candidate? Oh. I see. Thank you for that important bit of knowledge that I otherwise might not have had access to, imaginary adviser. (Note: I do not actually believe that one should try to be as careful as possible with regards to what one says; nor that one should ignore or scorn important social issues. I am utilizing exaggeration and mockery for the sake of comedy.) ... Alt!Calliope’s description of Dirk holding the rifle is quite elegant and beautiful.

This is indeed a beautiful irony, seeing the situation with regards to Dirk and Alt!Calliope’s tendencies toward bias being reversed.

***snickers*** Magnifique.

It is strange to see Alt!Calliope teasing and egging him on. It may be unintentional. Hard to say.

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frankcmcclanahaniii · 4 years

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BALM FOR UNBELIEVERS

CORONAVIRUS, CONFIRMATION BIAS AND MASON BEES: BALM FOR UNBELIEVERS This spring, just before the most restrictive social distancing measures were imposed, I was invited by an old friend (who is a doctor) to join him in a long walk. In accordance with the rules at that time we took two cars (to avoid contact) and I followed him. For the first time I noticed his license plate which read “John 9 1-3”. As we walked separated a safe distance we talked about coronavirus and its effect on the world. It was a beautiful day. When I returned home I printed out a copy of John 9 1-7 because that is what came up when I googled John 9 1-3. Like most Americans my age, I was raised a Christian, but many years ago I became a doubter and skeptic. In my youth my biblical knowledge came from the King James Version so that is what I googled. Here is the text: 9 And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. 2 And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? 3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him. 4 I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work. 5 As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world. 6 When he had thus spoken, he spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay, 7 And said unto him, Go, wash in the pool of Siloam, (which is by interpretation, Sent.) He went his way therefore, and washed, and came seeing. I was troubled by this text. In particular I was troubled by the notion that a man might be born blind “…that the works of God should be made manifest in him.” But in the context of the rest of the passage, since Jesus worked the miracle that made him see, I thought that perhaps the miracle he worked was the “manifestation” intended. But that also led to more troubles, because neither Jesus nor God cures all ailments, which conditions God permits if not causes (if the text is taken literally, “that the works of God should be made manifest in [them].”) So, I did what I often do from habit when faced with a conundrum, and condensed it into a sonnet. Here is the sonnet: JOHN 9 1-7 When asked about a man born blind Jesus replied it was no sin Of anyone had stricken him But rather God’s revealed design. He spat on clay and bade him find The fount of faith where sight begins The man did so and saw wherein We learn the power of faith and mind. As now coronavirus kills The knowledge sin is not to blame Seems pale placebo all the same; And if these deaths are not His will The virus spreads and kills without Awareness what we think about. I sent this sonnet to my friend. He did not like it. My friend is something of a modern saint, and so, too kind to be harshly critical, but also highly educated, a voracious reader, and steeped in biblical knowledge far deeper than my own, who said simply “I do not think you have fully appreciated the passage.” He noted that my sonnet went beyond the verses borne by his license plate, and he also pointed out that at the time John was written, it was common knowledge that if something bad happened, like a child born blind, it was automatically assumed that the defect was punishment for some sin, by some person. So, he suggested that I think about the first three verses and perhaps I would gain a deeper understanding of the rest. I then consulted my wife, who like my friend has a much deeper understanding of the Bible. I told her about the license plate and showed her the copy of John 9 1-7 that I had printed and asked her what the license plate means. She said immediately “It’s not your fault.” She explained it was a perfect license plate for our mutual friend, who treats cancer patients, many of whom believe that their cancer is their fault. I asked her about “…but that the works of God should be made manifest in him…” and she said that was unsettling, but that perhaps in a different version of the Bible, a different phrase might be substituted. She looked it up in a few more recent versions, but said that it was not fundamentally different. We both then concluded that perhaps the phrase was merely introductory to the miracle that Jesus performed, in the sense that the man’s blindness occurred as the occasion for Jesus to restore his sight. This small illumination led me to rethink the sonnet. So, I revised it as follows: JOHN 9 1-7 When asked about a man born blind Jesus replied it was no sin By anyone had stricken him But rather God’s revealed design. He spat on clay and bade him find The fount of faith where sight begins The man did so and saw wherein We learn the power of faith on mind. Now as coronavirus kills The faithless and the faithful too Perhaps the light of God shines through The sacrificial deeds some will Perform, laying down their lives to be If not the light, the way to see. I sent this revision to my friend, who, in his saintly way, said it was still not quite right. He suggested that I remember Dr. Rieux from Camus’ The Plague, and also look up Anne Bradstreet and another (to me) obscure theologian who had written about the purpose of suffering in life. I tend to balk at suggestions of this sort because, as a contrarian and an unbeliever, I have taught myself to be content with infinity rather than eternity. In place of the eternal continuation of a finite human life in some imagined afterlife, I accept that I and all human beings are finite and will never be infinite. Infinity, like the God who can do all things, is beyond all finite creatures, and inherently unlike them. I do not believe that any of us will ever be infinite because if we were, we would ourselves be some sort of god, but no longer human. As it happens, I have written another sonnet on this subject although not directly related. Here it is: TONE DEAF If I were God, I would not need The love of all or any men Nor would I crave their reverence No more than other men like me Demand obedience from bees Or daily prayers from hills of ants Nor ponder proper punishments Of beetles for their blasphemies. My prophets, though, might well mistake The messages they thought they heard; Just as the brilliant mockingbird Must improvise the sounds we make There might be countless disconnects In what I meant and they detect. As I thought about this, I realized that both my friend and I, like all humans, are susceptible to confirmation bias that governs more than we either consciously recognize, our ability to process information. His confirmation bias is to impose the axioms of his deep and abiding faith on his very considerable powers of reasoning. And mine is to doubt with the same axiomatic force. And as I thought about it, I realized that neither bias is right or wrong, true or false; they are just different perspectives on the same human problem, which is to find a satisfactory model for extracting meaning and happiness from the time we are allotted. I would like to digress now to two kinds of bees, honey bees and mason bees. Honey bees are social creatures, whose world is the hive. Each hive has one queen and countless workers, rather like human societies typically have a leader and followers. Honey bee hives are all genetically the same, and recognize each other as the same, just as they recognize the difference of any honey bees that are not from their hive. They will defend the hive against other bees or any other predator, but their main activity is to gather pollen to produce honey which sustains the hive in winter. Mason bees, by contrast, are solitary. Each female mason bee gathers pollen to sustain the larvae that grow from the eggs she deposits in tubes or crevices. When enough pollen has been deposited to sustain one larva, she lays one egg and seals it up with mud. She repeats this process five times, and then moves to another tube or crevice. She continues doing so until she dies. I do not know how mason bees distribute males and females in their tubes, but the male bees seem to hatch first, so that they can fertilize the first female mason bees that hatch. Mason bees are early pollinators. They hatch before most honey bees are active and so pollinate the earliest blooming fruits and flowers. The mason bees die around the time the honey bees are most active. Between them (and with the help of bumblebees) they ensure that all blossoms are pollinated and the territories they occupy are fruitful. These two bees are also analogous to my friend, who is communitarian, extraverted and a believer, and me, who is contrarian, introverted and a doubter. My friend is deeply interested in such questions as the purpose of human suffering and how a just and equitable society might be designed. I am deeply interested in individual freedom and how the power of the majority or the collective might be restrained. We overlap, of course, and in fact agree on many matters. You could make labels to characterize our different perspectives, and the labels you chose would reflect your own confirmation biases, probably favorable to one, and derogatory to the other. But you could label my friend a honey bee, and me a mason bee, and the designation would not be particularly biased at all. Both types of bees coexist in harmony, without conflict, just like my friend and myself. Both types of bees are useful, and probably necessary, or they would not be here, as they have been for eons longer than there have been humans. I believe the same is true of my friend and myself, who have both been successful, productive citizens who have each made contributions to our society. I have not intentionally done anything I am aware of to bring grief or suffering to any other person and I am absolutely confident that my friend has not either. I am no doubt guilty of indifference, and my friend may be too, but not that I know of. My point is simply that neither of our different perspectives, nor the confirmation biases that inhere in them, have made us deserving of favorable or derogatory labels. So, to bring it all back to the second sonnet, it is a compromise. I do not want to change it to unravel the divine purpose in human suffering as my friend might, because it would be a honey bee sonnet written by a mason bee. He persuaded me to change the sestet from a cynical commentary on a God whose existence I doubt to an observation that any person who encounters any stranger stricken or in need, can help, as some will help, both believers and doubters. That is a logos even a mason bee can believe. © 2020 frankcmcclanahaniii

#sonnet #the weekly sonnet #poetry #frankcmcclanahaniii #confirmation bias #coronavirus #mason bee #john 9:1-7 #infinity

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rxgersrxmanxff · 5 years

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On Romanogers and Steve and Natasha’s endings in Endgame:

******SPOILERS BELOW******

I enjoyed Endgame as a whole. But all in all, I’m disappointed.

Romanogers: Going into Endgame, I really was not expecting much. After all, Steve and Natasha didn’t even exchange any lines in IW. As much as I could hope and dream about my two favorite characters and my #1 OTP getting together in the end, I knew it wasn’t happening and was/am fine with that. Their interactions in the beginning of the movie definitely make the closeness of their friendship highly palpable. Even if they were not speaking to each other, they were always standing or sitting next to each other in the same frame. I’m really glad that we got another trademark deep Steve and Natasha talk. What I’m not so glad about is the closure that this complex friendship got. When they get their missions to retrieve the stones, they all think they’re going to make it back, I know. Even then, ceasing all interactions between Steve and Natasha with one little “See you in a minute” from her does not cut it. They grow so close over the span of, at this point in the movie, over ten years. The depth of their relationship has been explored so many times throughout the movies from the “I would now” scene in CA:TWS, to the “I didn’t want you to be alone” scene in CA:CW, to them going on the run together between CA:CW and IW. They became each other’s rocks, gaining shared life experience, and yet, we only see Steve shedding one tear for her and hardly talking about her within the span of maybe a two minute scene following her death so devoid of emotion (from all parties), let alone the rest of the movie. Clint and Natasha got their closure. Tony’s character got his closure with everyone he loved in a long scene with a poignant voice-over. With the movie barely making time for an emotional goodbye for the ending of this deep friendship that spanned over a decade, it is not what the characters who have grown so much in each other’s company and in their shared experiences deserve.

Natasha’s ending: In a logical and pragmatic sense, I understand why Nat is the one to make the sacrifice. She felt that it was her duty to “wipe out the red in her ledger” and make up for her past, though Clint felt the same way for what he did as Ronin. While she did view the Avengers as her family, Clint has a wife and children. This factor, one could argue, makes Nat the more expendable of the two. So yes, it makes sense that she was the one to go. What came after does not sit well with me. After Clint comes back alone, only a very brief grieving scene is shown for a woman who willingly gave up her life for the sake of her friends and the world, which barely even allows time for audiences to soak it in as well. There's no time for funerals in war; I understand that. Yet, when peace finally came, there was still hardly a mention of her. Furthermore, as part of the O6, her character deserved to be at the final battle. She deserved to be right there when Steve finally says “Avengers assemble” on screen and during the team-up of all the female heroes. She only got 33 minutes of screen time, while her other core teammates, Steve and Tony, whose character arcs also end in this movie, got over an hour. I’ve seen arguments that say the movie didn’t give her a formal or long goodbye because they might try to bring her back or that she’ll get more time in her own upcoming movie, but still. Nat’s character has never been explored in depth in her own solo movies prior to Endgame, nor has it been a main focus of any other movies. The pacing of her death in the movie warrants such disrespect toward her character, a character who always supported her team, a character who wanted her team to stay together no matter what, a character who has made great waves in pop culture. Though her death makes sense for the flow of the movie, there was definitely not ample time granted toward her exit.

Steve’s ending: [Note: I am not trying to hate on St*ggy in any way. I love that ship. That scene at the end actually made me cry. I’ll just be talking about how this ending just doesn’t make sense.] There’s two theories that I will be addressing here, so please bear with me and my potential lack of knowledge about Endgame’s time travel rules. 1)Steve goes back in time within the same main MCU timeline. My initial understanding was that this was what occurred because putting back the stones restores the main timeline, but then you have all the questions of how does this not significantly alter history, the the whole franchise’s stories, etc, which leads me to the other theory I came across. 2)Steve goes back in time and his staying in the 40s and living out his days with Peggy creates an branch timeline that runs as a close parallel to the main MCU timeline, with the branch timeline ultimately converging with the main one when we see Steve as an old man at the end of the movie.

Now this is the confusing part. With both theories, even for the second as it supposedly runs as a close parallel, historically would not make sense. So Steve goes back in time, marries Peggy (for all my Romanogers shippers, I know there’s hope out there that he married Nat somehow since he never said who he married but this is a whole other interpretation I won’t be diving into in this post) without altering the main timeline of the first theory??? And even if it was the closely running branch timeline of the second theory then doesn’t that mean his staying in the 40s significantly veers that timeline away from the main one then???

Time travel workings aside (this hurts my brain), Steve’s decision to stay in the past is insanely out of character. It is a contradiction to his arc that Markus and McFeely (screenplay writers of all the Cap movies, T:TDW, and IW) have built ever since CA:TFA. Many of the movies have focused on Steve attempting to adapt to a foreign modern world. They touch upon his struggle to move on from his past and his eventual acceptance of his situation. And that was his character growth through the years–a man out of time eventually finding friends, family, and most of all a home in the Avengers.

His action, I believe, goes against his morals. By staying in the past with Peggy in either timeline, he knows he is erasing her relationship with her husband and the existence of her children, who may have affected history in a sizable manner for all we know. And I don’t think Steve is one who can sit idly by throughout the course of history without taking action (this relates more to the first theory, but if the second theory states it is a close branch to the main timeline, then not much should change either right?) and truly living a quiet life when he knows that suffering, pain, political unrest, and oppression will occur. This implies that he is going to live through the Cold War, the Vietnam War, the whole Civil Rights Movement, and much more and not contribute anything significant to the alteration of history. Simply the thought of him not telling Peggy about HYDRA already being in SHIELD is hard to grapple with, along with how much he could have changed the development of SHIELD. And then there’s also all of Bucky’s missions and assassinations though the years. Don’t even get me started on 2011 onward when they find and unfreeze an alternate Steve. There’s so many unanswered questions, and my thoughts probably only scratch the surface of the logistics.

I get it. Steve deserves a happy ending and a restful life. They all do. The end scene was beautiful and poetic with “It’s Been a Long, Long, Time” and the long-overdue dance and the ever-cliche kiss. Yet this end scene felt somewhat too dreamlike, bordering on fan fiction-like. I have such a love-hate opinion of this scene. I mean, I guess I would say that this reveals the biases of Markus and McFeely for St*ggy and how they believed Steve and Peggy were always the only ones meant for each other. However, I think that it is truly a regression for Steve’s character development as Peggy was the one who urged him to move on with his life as she had lived a full one herself. They demonstrated in previous movies that Steve was finished clinging so tightly to the past, yet they make a 180 and go straight back to his mentality from 10+ years ago.

I, personally, cannot think of another decently satisfying end for Steve that isn’t just him dying, so I have no suggestions. While the ending was sweet, it just doesn’t make sense.

#romanogers #steve x natasha #captasha #capwidow #steve rogers #natasha romanoff #captain america #black widow #avengers: endgame #endgame #endgame spoilers #anti endgame #endgame wank #?#stevenat

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awinchestershell · 5 years

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Dear people,

I consider myself a very lucky person. I've gone to many concerts and conventions in my life. Mostly because my dad likes to bribe me with cool events. And at these concerts and conventions I've met more celebrities and YouTubers than I care to count. Some examples being Maroon 5 and Markiplier.

Meeting celebrities is something that any human being that isn't slightly psychotic has dreamt of at least once every month. I myself am only 1% psychotic so of course I dream of it a lot. About a wide variety of people. The most common one being Markiplier. I spent 3 years daydreaming of the day I could finally hug Mark.

Then, my world imploded. June 24th, 2017 I attended a convention called VidCon for the second time. At this convention, I finally met Mark! It was great. My hands were shaking, I couldn't stop crying, and when it was over I was fairly sure I was going to pass out.

This is basically a summary of every Meet and Greet I've done. I cry, I shake, I sometimes faint. I can't even really explain why this happens. I like to think it's because I love them so much that my brain can't physically comprehend it.

The thing about meeting celebrities is it's bloody terrifying! I spend the month leading up to it having anxiety issues, because what if trip? What if I say something stupid? What if I THROW UP???

And right now I'm going through all of this all over again. You see, next month, or more specifically in 18 days, I get to meet Dan and Phil. If you don't recognize those names, get on that shit right now man. They're the funniest people in the world.

But back to my point. I am absolutely petrified. I want to approach it with joy and excitement because I'm so lucky to have this opportunity, but unfortunately my social anxiety and desperate need to be accepted is killing the mood a little bit. Don't get me wrong, I am excited. But I'm more scared. I'm working through this with my therapist at the moment, and it's not helping at all.

When you meet your favorite celebrities, a common theme among the fan is wanting said celebrity to like them. You want them to like you, to accept you, to think you're funny. I get that to an unhealthy degree. I sit in the shower and plan out my meetup conversation word for word. However, this is impossible to truly plan because I have no idea how Dan or Phil will react to what I say. So I can't anticipate any of the conversation past my first sentence.

I'd like to think that I'll be calm and collected, but we can all be pretty sure that's not true. At all. Going off of past examples, I'm gonna fucking cry my eyes out. Which I suppose isn't that traumatizing or embarrassing. It could be at lot worse. I could just pass the fuck out in their arms. However, even as I type this, my breathing is getting erratic.

I thought I'd take a moment to remind anyone who doesn't know, that at this convention I am also meeting Thomas Sanders and The Try Guys. But, for some reason those two aren't freaking me out. I don't know what it is about Dan and Phil that freaks me out so much, but when I think about being in their presence I seem to stop breathing.

This has all been a really long and complicated way to say that I have social anxiety.

The thing is though, that I want to hang out with humans, and make friends, and have conversations because I am a very lonely person. But, something in my brain just won't let me do it. I get really fricking scared at the concept of hanging out with new people. And when we take that and apply it to celebrities?? My brain just starts shaking like a damn chihuahua.

I wish that I could approach celebrities with the same chill attitude I approach strangers on the bus, but I'm just not capable of it. I know that they are only humans, but they're very special humans. And they hold a lot of power. When I met Maroon 5 I was 10 years old, and I was tempted to bow down to them, and at 10 years old I didn't even know who the hell they were. That is how much celebrities affect me.

Dealing with social anxiety is really complicated and difficult. But every now and then you can just suffer the fuck through it and go out and do that social thing anyway. I've spent 99% of my life in my bed because the outside world was simply too terrifying to endure. So I didn't. Which is a totally stupid way to go through life. But I still do it. Because I'm stupid. We already knew that though.

See, I hate hiding away in my room. But my room is safe. So I never leave unless I have to. Which, like I said, is stupid. And I've been working on it my whole life. But to re-wrap this back into the celebrity thing, why do I get so scared?

I think it's because I so desperately want them to like me. But that seems silly when I step back and look at it. If I were a celebrity, i'd like to think I'd like every fan I met. That it'd be really hard for them to upset me or give me anything to dislike. And I'm sure most celebrities DO like all their fans. Unless I specifically say something rude or disrespectful, there's no reason for them not to like me. Even if I trip, or maybe I say the wrong word, they'll probably just find it endearing.

Me being convinced that they'll hate me no matter what relates back to something different.

Self hatred.

See, if I don't like myself, how can I possibly assume that Dan and Phil will like me? I find myself irritating and ugly. So of course my natural assumption is that Dan and Phil will find me irritating and ugly. I can't fathom someone thinking I'm funny. Or pretty. That's just ridiculous. I mean obviously everything is subjective. Something I find annoying, my sister might think is the funniest thing she's ever heard. Someone I find beautiful, she might find ugly and gross.

Here's an example. Harry Styles. I think Harry Styles is one of the most handsome men on Earth at the moment. But my sister, Hannah, thinks he's ugly. (Btw fuck you Hannah he's gorgeous) You may know the common quote, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." That's what I'm talking about.

It's highly possible, if not probable, that Dan and Phil will find me endearing and funny. Because I'm very biased. I've never met a person that didn't hate themselves. So it's not surprising that I'm one of those people.

The point of this post is to say that social anxiety and self hatred are shitty. And they can be scary and hard to deal with. But we can't let them hold us back. I refuse to let my anxiety stop me from doing something I've wanted to do for four years.

So I guess what I'm trying to say, is that despite our struggles, we have to work through them so we can live life the way we're supposed to. Happy, and outside our homes.

Sincerely,

#danielhowell #danhowell #daniel howell #dan and phil #dan howell #amazingphil #phil lester

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aupairadventures · 6 years

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Nantes: My favorite places in my favorite city

Yesterday, I spent the day with my friend Laura, an au pair from Colombia that I met in my French class. Since Laura only arrived in Nantes several weeks ago, we decided that it would be a good idea for me to take her on a little tour of this incredible city. As the two of us were walking around on an unseasonably warm and sunny February day, I was reminded of why I find this city so beautiful and why it’s so special to me.

I loved seeing the look of awe on Laura’s face as we explored all of Nantes’ wonders, and it reminded me so much of what it was like to set foot in this city for the first time. When I first moved here, this city absolutely terrified me. I, a girl from a small town in Massachusetts, initially felt uneasy around all the hustle and bustle. The whirling and crowded city felt so alien and foreign to me, and at first, I feared that I would never adjust. However, I could not have been more wrong. After some initial hesitation, I fell in the love with Nantes; and when I fell, I fell hard and fast. This city has taught me so much about the beauty of embracing your fears and welcoming the unknown into your life.

I may not be a born-Nantaise, but within the past few months, this city has become my home. Before I found my host family last April, I had never even heard of this place. Now, several months later, I can’t imagine my life without it. Since I moved here, this city has come to mean so much to me and had become very dear to my heart. Perhaps it’s because of the city’s stunning architecture or rich culture and history. Perhaps it’s because of its bustling, vibrant nature or its abundance of places to explore and things to do. Maybe it’s because last year, this city welcomed me with open arms and made me feel a sense of belonging, even though I was thousands of miles away from everything I had ever known. It might be because this city has been the setting of many of my firsts, and has been the backdrop to so many new experiences and adventures. Perhaps it’s because I have found a family here and have created strong friendships that I know will last a lifetime. Maybe it’s because my friends and I have made memories in every corner of this city, or because I can’t look at a single thing in this place without being reminded of happy memories and feeling a wave of bittersweet nostalgia. It breaks my heart to know that I will have to leave this city one day, but I am comforted by the knowledge that I will certainly be back to Nantes to visit many times in the coming years. Who knows, maybe this city is where I’ll raise my children one day; I love the sound of that.

As you can see, Nantes is without a doubt one of my favorite cities. Of course, I know that I’m quite biased on this, but there are so many reasons to love this place. I highly recommend this destination to any and all travelers; I bet that you’ll come to love this city just as much as I do.

Still not convinced? Let me tell you about my favorite places in Nantes, and I’m sure that by the time you finish reading this, you’ll be on Skyscanner booking a flight.

1) Le Château des Ducs de Bretagne

How incredible is it that I walk by an actual castle every day on my way to French class? This castle is a must-see for any travelers visiting Nantes. You can walk around the courtyard on the inside, have a picnic on the grass on a sunny day, walk around the wall of the castle and be rewarded with a beautiful view, or even go down the slide attached to the side of the structure! Just across the tram tracks lies The Water Mirror. During the summer, lots of people love coming here to splash in the fountain or sunbath on the nearby grass. But, when the water is completely still, you can see a beautiful reflection of the castle in it. Within the castle, there are two museums: Le Musée d’Histoire Urbaine and another museum for temporary expositions. Several weeks ago, some friends and I went to an exposition called “Cimarron,” which was a colorful, beautiful, and moving contemporary photography exhibit.

2.) Le Musée des Beaux Arts

If you love art or just enjoy museums, be sure to check at Le Musée des Beaux-Arts. The best part? On the first Sunday of each month, the majority of museums in Nantes are totally free of charge!

3.) La Cathédrale Saint-Pierre-et-Saint-Paul de Nantes

The architecture of this cathedral is nothing short of stunning! This was one of the first places in Nantes that I visited with my host family when I arrived, and it was also the place that my friend Ellie and I used as our meeting spot the first time that we met up, so the thought of the cathedral and the memories I’ve made there always brings a smile to my face.

4) Le Jardin des Plantes

Le Jardin des Plantes is easily my absolute favorite place in Nantes. I could write pages about why I love it so much. This beautiful botanical garden, which is open to the public free of charge, is complete with a playground, walking trails, a cafe, greenhouses, flower and herb gardens, lots of trees, fountains, sculptures, lots of birds, a merry-go-round, and even a goat petting zoo. The garden is absolutely gorgeous; filled with brightly colored blossoms and greenery everywhere, it’s like a little slice of paradise. When the weather is nice, it’s my favorite place to go for a walk, have a picnic with friends, grab a pain au chocolat at the nearby boulangerie and sit in the sunshine, or find a shady bench to read or journal. Au Pair Super Tip: This is the perfect place to take your host kids! They’ll love the playground, the merry go round, and the petting zoo, and walking around here is a great way for the kids to play outside and get some exercise.

5) Shopping

Nantes is the perfect city for those who love to shop. There’s an abundance of chic fashion stores, vintage shops, and adorable boutiques. When visiting Nantes, be sure to check out Le Passage Pommeraye, a beautiful shopping center built in the 1800s.

6) Restaurants:

In Nantes, there’s certainly no shortage of great cafes and restaurants. Looking for a delicious croissant, baguette, or macaron? You can find all that and more in one of the many different boulangeries or patisseries. On the search for a crêpe or a galette? In any city in the Brittany region, you’re sure to find tons of creperies. Want to grab coffee with a friend and spend hours chatting in a cute café? Try Le Select, a great cafe with a vintage vibe, or La Maison d’Elise, a cat cafe. Yes, a cafe that doubles as a cat shelter! (How adorable.) Even if your searching for healthy, vegan food, Nantes has you covered! In fact, two of my favorite places in Nantes or the TreeHouse, a vegan café/grocery store, and Totem, an incredible vegan restaurant with the most amazing vegan desserts I’ve ever had.

7) Le Jardin Japonais

If you’re looking to find some more nature when in the city, look no further than Le Jardin Japonais (The Japanese Garden) located on L’ile de Versailles. Filled with red maple trees, walking paths, streams, bamboo plants, and even rocky waterfalls, this little garden is another great place to spend a sunny, Autumn day.

8) Architecture:

I have to say, I love the architecture in the Bretagne area, especially here in Nantes. Whenever I’m walking around the city, I can’t help but look up to stare at the buildings around me. I mean, just look at how pretty these buildings are! Whether it be in Nantes, Paris, or Toulouse, my favorite part of French architecture are the balconies that adorn the historic buildings.

9) Les Machines de l'île

“The Machines of the Isle of Nantes” is an artistic exposition located in the former shipyards of Nantes. Several artists created many different gigantic, robotic animals. The most famous of these robotic works of art is the Elephant, a 12-meter high creation that passengers can climb aboard and be taken on a 45 ride around the area. Just watch out: The Elephant will spray water from its trunk when you least expect it! (Take it from my host kid; who got absolutely drenched the last time we visited.)

10) Le Lieu Unique

One of the coolest places in Nantes is the Lieu Unique. While the building actually used to be a factory for the French biscuit brand LU, it now serves as a location for a vibrant cultural center with an abundance of things to do. Visitors can eat in the cafe or restaurant, shop in the bookstore, grab a drink in the bar, get a massage or relax in the sauna in the spa, see a contemporary art exposition, or go to one of many different performances, concerts or live music events.

11) Le Tour Bretagne

One of my absolute favorite places in Nantes is the Tour Bretagne. While it may just look like a skyscraper filled with administrative offices from the outside, this tower has a secret: For one euro, you can ride the elevator to the top floor (over 30 stories high!). There, you’ll find a funky, bird-themed bar called “Le Nid” (“The Nest”), which is one of my favorite places to go out with friends. After getting a drink and hanging out in one of their egg-shaped chairs, you can go out on the balcony and see the most incredible view of Nantes. Whether you see it during the day, as the sun is setting, or late at night, this view is always sure to stun. From the top of this tower, you can see the entire city from a bird’s eye view, which makes all the buildings (Even the cathedral!) look tiny enough to be doll furniture. I love spending time on the balcony and looking out over this city, as it reminds me about why this beautiful city is so special to me, the countless memories I have made here, and why love Nantes so fiercely.

#nantes #france #travel #photography

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