#i am strong for my size

[diggersofgraves]

im gonna rant here, but if anyone wants to give me advice 😭

so. there was a girl i used to talk abt a lot here. i might rb a few things that i mentioned her in. anyways. i had a big old crush on her in hs. but i moved away for school and that was that. what might have been during hs was kinda dropped. i still saw her when i came back for holidays it summer, but she was more of my bffs friend than mine by the end of hs, so i only saw her once in a while. and by the time i finished college. ig i still remembered the crush i had on her, but i felt like i had gotten over it.

the thing abt this girl is she's a very big jokester and kinda deflective. shes kinda like. an elementary school kid who has a crush on someone and only knows how to handle it by being mean to them? thats kinda her. but with jokes??

well, i never took ANYTHING she said abt us srsly bc. its just what she does. she jokes.

and a few weeks ago, my friend invited us to a little kickback and she was there. i made a post abt it i think, bc obviously everyone needs to be in my business. but quick run down. she made a joke abt kissing me. when i didn't go along with it she said, "why didn't you lean in?" and that's the moment it kinda hit me that she might be fr 😭

and the she got "defensive" again and she told me she was gonna talk to the cute girl over there or w.e.

(and im not a jealous person when im not in a relationship with someone. even if i like them, im not gonna play jealousy games with ppl, sorry, so if she wanted a reaction from me, she did not get one)

okay, we've seen each other a couple of times since then. nothing big. someone realized i had a little crush in her bc apparently i act a FOOL, a SIMP, even when we just talk abt her.

now the NEW MAIN PART OF THE STORY (sorry that was all suppose to be a quick recap lol).

my close friend always throws a big old costume party for her birthday since she's an october baby, duh. and shes make a deal of inviting anyone she was ever cool with. so some ppl from hs, some ppl from shows she goes to, shes knows a lot of ppl. and ofc this girl is gonna be there (lets not talk abt the fact that my ex and her new girl was there lmao, i didnt mind, i just had no idea how to react)

and me? im a little loose from the alc. i dont even remember how we ended up hanging together, but we did. we played beer pong (and ofc we're both amazing so a lot of celebration hugs).

and i think from there we stick to each others sides. kinda close. right?

and she says things I once thought were jokes, but now im like 😳 u think my beauty doesnt compare fr ??

well by the end of the party we're making out. again, i dont remember how it happened. just that it did.

and we went home and I have not texted her since then and vice versa.

i had a conversation with ANOTHER friend yesterday tho. who told me while i was in the bathroom and they were all drunkenly hanging out outside. she told them she's been having a crush on me since hs and she's always been too scared to do or say anything. now lets forget abt the fact that my dumbass is living through a 7 year slow burn with a apparently a shit ton of mutual pining. lets forget abt that. or else ill punch myself.

point is, she has yet to contact me and i have yet to contact her. and im scared if i do she'll pass everything off as a joke. which will hurt. but i still want to reach out. i just dont know what to say. i dont talk to her much outside of in person situations. i should've stolen her sweater so i could have an excuse to give it back 🙄

anyways. that was my little rant. im still stuck on what to say. if anyone has advise. ill give u a little digital heart or smth idk.

the solution might literally be so simple, but i dont have an outside perspective rn, i have dumb dumb lovesick brain rot >:(

PLS DO NOT REBLOG THIS THANKS

[luvbug724]

obsessed w jeanee Actually. she drove hours in the middle of the night for him. she organised a heist for him. she blackmails a university for him. she was willing to break into the nest w brute force for him. she was willing to rob a hardware store to do it. she seriously contemplates climbing over barbed wire fences to get to him. she handles diversions and distractions with grace for him. she has the invasive curiosity to want to know all abt his little knick knacks. she resorts to violence when someone tries to stop her from getting to him. she prays for him. she talks to him softly when the only feeling in the room is rage. she pushes his hair out of his face. she checks his pulse obsessively. YEAH………… are we all seeing this rn

its so wonderful to me too because like this is RENEE. renee, who is a bad person trying very hard to be good. there was a post going around maybe a month ago how empathy for everyone circles back around into empathy for no one i can't remember any of the specifics but it rlly did something for how i see renee because shes a protector. its defensive. its safe. she knows the limits, she knows the point of no return because shes been to rock bottom and clawed her way up but she's willing to do whatever she needs to to get jean out of the nest.

there is a big difference between cradling allison when andrew hurts her vs actively threatening eau, going on the offense to make sure jean leaves safe with her. there's something insane to me abt how a few months of texting and calling jean could push her to that point, the point where she needed to be talked down off the ledge before the plan was more natalie than renee because this was something she absolutely could not fuck up. she knew that her efforts would be worthless if she didn't create a plan that couldn't backfire, because the punishment for jean trying to leave and failing (and i'm sure that message to renee would be used against him) or leaving and coming back would be 1000x worse than whatever they could do to him from a distance.

and then when she has him in his arms and she knows he's going to be safe, he'll be okay as long as she can get him to abby, she can let herself be kind again.

[jrueships]

Never saw how sexy lou dort was until you drew him like that. Now I want him pregnant. I blame you.

iT AiNT MUCH BUT IT'S AN ONEST WORK, ANON 🫡‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

[smoocheys]

you. you understand the importance of massive hands. one of my favourite things ever is the thought of giant hands grabbing around someone's wait like. fingers around thier back, thumbs on thier ribs and it's so lovely

YES! im Size Difference Kink guy and really bad at drawing scale, but hands are the easiest way to show it as well as just. being incredibly hot. like

two of these big ol hands on my hips... it wld be so over....

[bas-writes]

idk I just feel Law has a really big dick

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

I’m like if a feral cat and a Clydesdale had a baby

[foxgloveinspace]

Do you ever figure out your Type and you go Oh No cause it’s just 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

[orcelito]

Omfg I never actually posted about this but just like 2 days ago I realized that no it is Not normal to experience lightheadedness near daily when I've gone just a little too long without eating

I looked it up and apparently lightheadedness/dizziness CAN be a part of fibromyalgia (which I think I have for a number of different reasons), so like. It all makes sense.

Fuckin fibromyalgia. It's the source of like 95% of my physical problems, I swear. Every Damn Thing can be traced back to it. What a pain.

[girlscience]

Okay, obviously I have some body image issues. This is very clear to pretty much everyone who knows me. I have had them since I hit about 10 years old I think? That gives me 15 years of disliking the way I look, for one reason or another. I have tried a lot of things throughout that time to change my perception of myself. And currently, I feel like I am stuck in a weird place that I can't figure out how to escape.

I understand that there are studies now showing that dieting and working out don't actually work long term for most people. I know that getting into that mostly causes things like yo-yo dieting and circular weight gain/loss. I know that being fat is being shown to not actually be unhealthy in the ways it has often been shown as and perceived to be. I know that literally all the media everywhere is blasting me with idealized bodies that pretty much do not exist or only exist through extremely unsustainable/unhealthy means.

I have tried for so long to believe in and promote body neutrality or positivity for myself and other people. I constantly refuse to let myself think about what I see in the mirror or in pictures. I tell myself to get exercise for the physical and mental health benefits, not for my physical appearance. I try to view my body for what it can do and not how it looks. I tell myself to live the life I want to live now, rather than waiting to live it till I have the body I imagine living that life. Without exaggeration, I am fairly certain I think about these things every single day.

And none of it is working.

I actually feel I dislike my appearance now more than I did even a year ago. I feel like I am constantly noticing things about my body that I never did before or new changes to my body, and I am deeply uncomfortable with them. And I want to do something about it, and clearly simply changing my mentality isn't doing anything. I want to diet and exercise. But I also know it likely won't be a permanent change. I am concerned that I would give myself an eating disorder. And I'm also concerned that I would be feeding into diet/exercise culture. I am worried about hurting the people around me who are also fat. I am anxious about the fact that I am not actually that large so I don't want to talk about it with other people because I know it will make people who are larger than I am feel terrible. I don't want to make other people who are gaining weight feel bad for that. But, I hate the way I look.

This is not sustainable. At some point something will break and I think it might end up being my brain. I am worried about how that would end up. The things I do for my brain and my body shouldn't be about how it might affect other people, it should be for me. But I don't want to be bad for the things I do. I want and have wanted for so long to look like a powerbuilder/warrior/dwarf/strongman lifter/crossfit athlete/etc. I want to be big. I want to be visibly strong and powerful. And I am absolutely not. And I know I struggle with commitment and discipline and all of that, but I also know I struggle a lot with how this desire appears to other people.

Really, I think what this is all coming down to is other people's opinions. I dislike the way I look and am told that's bad. I want to change the way I look and I'm told that's bad. I do nothing and get told that's bad. I have to want these things for the right reason, in the right way, and have to talk about it right all the time. And I just can't. I don't like the way I look and I wish I looked like a brick shithouse and everyone else can fucking suck it.

[lumeha]

I do think realising what kind of colours I like to wear has been actually really helpful to me. I still, hm, kind of wish to mix up my fashion style a bit and lean toward a different style sometimes, but realising that I actually enjoy more earthy and toned down colours has been nice

Also

Green

Green is so damn nice

Also still out there trying to fit as many layers of clothes I can fit on my body. There was a reason why I was attracted to mori kei as a style. Layers and those colours. But mostly layers honestly

[zefforuins]

-/&;3;

[ladamedemartel]

Don't kill me Aurora but I ship you with your brother Tristan. You are really sweet together. The things you write are super romantic sometimes. I'll go down with this ship.

MATCHMAKER! Go on anon and tell my muse who you ship them with!

"We are quite charming together, aren't we?"

[wouyoungarchive]

I don't rin. Welcome to the club 🤝🫶👍

kewjhkfs MY PROBLEM IS HE'S TOO SOFT AND SWEET like he gives me toothache. he said smth like 'i love you atiny' and i straight up squealed and had to pause the dvd for ten minutes just to recover from him saying that in the most gentle sweet little voice and then his LITTLE WAVE with both hands ugh. and then he immediately became a stage demon when the music started playing and i was able to recover from my struggles (until he opened his mouth to speak again. it is a vicious cycle. i cannot escape.)

tldr: the break the wall dvd is the bane of my existence right now.

[treecakes]

not me growing up on farms my whole life and not being able to lift stuff 😭😭😭

[harpygon]

I made banana pancakes and they were heavenly. I almost don’t want to call them pancakes, they were so good.

[abc-mulan]

Why are so many skinny girls so superior about the fact that they're so tiny? It's really fucking annoying