#i can literally tell just from the word choices u use and the things u gravitate towards if u’ve seen or read smth i’ve recently reblogged

[willowfey]

message to my sister:

get off my blog. 💜

[pupkashi]

the last person you expect to patch you up is gojo satoru, so why are you knocking on his door?

a/n: hi friends! i hope you enjoy this :] im not sure if i like it very much but I’ll let u guys pick it apart and decide if i should be run off the app or not :P please let me know what u guys think !!

wordcount: 1,376

masterlist

you’re hesitant to knock on the door you’re facing, one arm squeezing your middle and the other holding you up against the wall. you’re sure you looked like we’re about to die, but still you could help but feel like death was a better option than knocking on gojo satoru’s door at 2 in the morning.

the stinging in your side leaves you no choice, lifting your hand and knocking three times. every passing second seems eternal and you almost want to just walk away and head to campus, hoping you make it until morning.

the door swings open, satoru looks at you with wide eyes and messy hair. he looks so normal, you think, taking in his appearance of sweatpants and a t shirt he must’ve thrown on seconds before.

“what the fuck happened to you?” he breathes out, not hesitating to pick you up, carrying you to his restroom and flicking the light on. if you were any more lucid you might’ve caught the genuine concern in his voice and the pounding heart in his chest.

“think the higher ups hate me” you manage to chuckle out, sucking in a sharp breathe when you try to sit up on your own.

satoru is quick to help you up, large hands gently handling you. his brows are furrowed as he looks at the state you’re in.

“why didn’t you call up shoko or go to campus or- literally anything else?!” he scold you, his voice is a higher pitch than you’re used to, he’s running his hands through his hair, tugging slightly before sighing deeply and calming himself down.

“didn’t wanna bother ‘em” you say, voice small. gojo knows in his mind you of all people could never be a bother, especially when shoko absolutely loves you.

“can i take this off?” he asks softly, tugging at your uniform top. you nod weakly, letting him work the fabric off you gently, sucking his teeth when he sees the gash on your side.

“that bad huh?” you laugh, there’s a beat of silence that you find unbearable. your eyes are heavy and the only way you can muster staying awake is by talking, words leaving your mouth without even thinking, “not gonna tell me ‘I’ve had worse’ or ‘this is nothing’ ?”

satoru only brings himself to snicker, “you’re about to pass out and you still wanna bicker with me.”

“to be fair it’s always you starting shit” you chuckle, hissing when he starts cleaning your wound. satoru mumbles a small ‘sorry’ before continuing.

you weren’t completely wrong, satoru always loved seeing you riled up. he loved watching the way the fire ignited behind your eyes when you shot something back at satoru, he loved watching your nose scrunch up when he said something stupid, he loved how you’d fight back smiles when he disrespected some asshole higher up.

“yeah, yeah, you're always saying that” he smiles, finishing up whatever he could on your side before moving to the cuts on your face.

you were still as he gently dabbed the wipes on your face, the slight stinging feeling was the last thing on your mind. the smell of his body wash was muddling your thoughts, the way his fingertips brushed against your skin gave you goosebumps.

“who sent you on the mission?” his voice was no longer playful and light. there was an edge to his voice as he spoke, and you couldn’t stop the chills that ran down your spine.

the only thing you could muster was a small shrug of your shoulders.

“it was the higher ups from last time, wasn’t it? the one you stood up to?” his voice is threatening and low, blue eyes boring into you as you tried to avoid eye contact.

“y/n, look at me” the stern tone left no room for protest, looking at him and gulping. you nodded your head, whispering a small ‘yeah.’ satoru mumbled something you couldn’t hear, his jaw clenched and hands shaking slightly.

“I’m going to kill them” he spat, taking a step back before look at you again, the sight filling him with even more rage.

“didn’t you say that wouldn’t change anything?” you stated, sitting up as best you could, trying your best to hide the pain you felt from the sudden movement.

satoru ignored your words, already making a move to head out of the bathroom door, but your voice stopped him.

“don’t- i don’t wanna be alone” you whispered, eyes watering a bit as the reality of the situation hit you all at once. “i just- nevermind” you laughed dryly, hissing as you pushed yourself off the countertop and stood.

satoru was immediately at your side holding you up, “what are you-” your words cut him off before he could finish.

“I’m gonna go home, don’t wanna bother you more than i have” you smiled, eyes still a bit teary. you’re brain doesn’t process what’s happening fast enough, only realizing what’s happening a couple seconds later when satoru’s arms are wrapped around your body.

“you aren’t going anywhere” he mumbles against the top of your head, squeezing you gently.

the warmth of his body is enough to comfort you, muscles relaxing and letting your tears spill against his chest.

“why?” you whisper, the question causing satoru to tense up against you. “why do you care so much?”

his thoughts stop for a second, the only thing on his mind is you. the way you’re looking at him in a way you never have before, with an emotion he can’t place. he can only think of one thing.

“isn’t it obvious?” he replies, voice soft, his cheeks heating up and ears burning. he’s trying to hide the slight tremble of his hands as he caressed your cheek softly, thumb wiping away a stray tear.

“only obvious thing about you is your ego” you smile, laughing a bit between sniffles as satoru gasps at you.

“and you say i start things?” he giggles, picking you up softly before leading you to his bedroom. the two of you in a comfortable silence as he looks through his drawers, handing you one of his shirts and shorts for you to change into.

“you can drop me off at home-” you begin but satoru is quick to speak over you.

“I’ll sleep on the couch, there’s some toothbrushes in the top drawer under the sink,” he says, continuing to list off any other items you’d need and where to find them.

it’s ten minutes later and you’re laying in the large bed, staring at the ceiling when you find the energy to walk into the hallway, peeking around the corner and into the living room.

satoru smiled at you, the bright tv lights illuminating his figure, “cant sleep?” he asks. you nod your head, slowly making your way towards him. “c’mere” he says softly, gently moving you when you sit on the couch, letting you cuddle into his side until you were comfortable.

between the exhaustion and the comfort of satoru’s fingers running along your arm you were sound asleep in a matter of minutes (10, satoru was counting). he placed a feathery kiss to the top of you head, shifting to pick you up, carrying you to his bed and tucking you in, slipping besides you before facing the opposite direction.

you stirred a bit, mumbling something and causing satoru to turn, “y/n?” he whispered. you seemed to gravitate towards him, one of your arms finding him and tugging his shirt, making him come closer to you. still asleep, you nuzzled yourself against him, sighing softly before stilling again.

satoru draped his arm around you, keeping you close before letting his eyes shut. for tonight, he won’t think about the thing he’ll say and do to the higher ups who sent you on that mission as punishment.

instead he’ll hold you close, keeping you safe and making sure you’re well enough to argue on any and every thing possible. he’ll make you breakfast tomorrow and ask if you feel the same for him. he’ll rush you to shoko so he can kiss you with as much passion and fervor as he’s imagined since the time you almost beat him in an argument.

taglist (send an ask to be added!): @chilichopsticks @anime-for-the-sleepless @4sat0ruu @luna0713hunter @safaia-47 @nanamikentoseyebags

[prettyboykatsuki]

I NEED YOU EXCITED, I DON'T WANNA FIGHT IT | Y. OKKOTSU

✵ tags ; established relationship, friends to lovers, afab +fem!reader, forward!reader, back and forth power dynamics, dry-humping, hickies / marking, cunnilingus, unprotected sex, multiple orgasms, riding. fingering, dirty talk, 18+

✵ wc ; 7.3k (good lord)

✵ a/n ; written with my beloved @princess-okkotsu in mind!! i hope i did your boy justice </3 and thank u for everything literally wouldn't have passed chem w/o you

so not used to have such little warnings on a fic. lol. title is from fire and desire by drake.

✵ synopsis ; yuta wants to do right by you which is why he's so determined to take your relationship slowly. well, he tries too, anyway.

Yuta Okkotsu is a believer of doing things the right way. 

He repeats this to himself like a mantra as he hangs out alone in your bedroom. He closes his eyes, elbows resting on the little table, face buried in his palms. Maybe it’s closer to a form of manifestation - like if he says it with enough hooplah it will mean something more than a jumble of words and syllables. 

He must clarify that he is trying to do the right thing right now. He is trying so very hard to do the right thing because Yuta Okkotsu wants to remain righteous where possible. 

It’s part of his job as a sorcerer, now well into his 20’s and more conscious of the world around him. He’s strong enough to put his money where his mouth is and experienced enough to know that trying to maintain some ethical code is part of staying alive in this business. 

And it’s not that Yuta considers himself particularly upright. His friends and colleagues often tell him that he’s a bit unhinged and hard to get a read on. His morals might not always align with greater society, but he never does something that goes against his own beliefs. A lot of which can be summarized quite easily ; anything to defend his comrades.

It really is so important for Yuta to try and be civil in these aspects. Lest he fall into something truly dark. Even he knows what he’s capable of, at least a little. 

That’s why he’s left with no choice than burying all of his thoughts of you and using every ounce of energy he has to suppress it as deep as it can go 

You know, with all the love that’s influenced his life and all of the years he’s spent  learning to be less timid - none of it seems to matter when it comes down to you and him. The logistics of a relationship and the idea of one are two very different things. When it comes to your relationship, he’s been keen in adhering to his strict timeline of milestones. First date, first hand-holding, first deep kiss. It’s a matter of honoring you - because before being boyfriend and girlfriend, you were Yuta’s comrade and companion. Before your relationship status, you're his cherished and valued person. 

So because he’s chivalrous. Because he’s romantic. Because he cares about you. 

And also because the sheer  magnitude of his desires for you perpetually leaves him in a state of distress and disarray. It’s all of the above, all at the same time. And sometimes it leaves him a little overwhelmed. 

He barely manages in his daily life but this? This is torturous. 

Being in your bedroom unprompted is destroying every ounce of self-restraint he’s built through these last three months. He’s made it through your relentless bullying without giving into his Earthly desires.

It’s just too ideal in a way, being in here. Everything feels like you. There’s pictures of your friends and family around the room. Everything has your scent. Your clothes are littered on the floor and hung over the back of your desk-chair. It’s so you and Yuta loves you and he’s not going to survive being in here despite it all.

It’s embarrassing. Yuta is not the timid teenager he once was. But for all the ways he’s good at standing his ground, his demeanor is all but worthless when it comes down to you.

You’re a few years his senior and you’ve always been a slippery character. He’s enriched by your curiosity of the world. You’re a researcher and archivist of cursed information, coming out of the Kyoto branch. You have plenty of accolades and always manage to teach him something new and come out of difficult things on top. 

Mostly, Yuta recognizes all of the good in your heart. He really thinks very highly of you.

There was an obvious passion for your work that Yuta was endeared by in the initial stages of your relationship. Plus you were easy to talk to. You’ve been a good friend to Yuta for years now, ever since you called on him to do some research on him and Rika. And, as the years passed you became closer until one night it hit him that his feelings of admiration were a little closer to something like love. 

And with big, wet tears in his eyes (and a fair bit of liquor in his system) he blubbered about his feelings for you. He isn’t sure what reaction he was expecting at the time. You were happy which was great, but there was also something so lax about it all. Yuta remembers it so vividly. The way you waltzed up to him, tucked some hair behind his ears and kissed him gingerly with all the confidence in the world. Like it mattered but it didn’t. Like nothing could be more obvious than your feelings for each other. 

“I’m pretty crazy about you too, Okkotsu-san.” 

After asking if that meant you were dating like the bumbling, lovesick fool he is - you officially began going out as a couple. And at first, it was smooth sailing. It wasn’t too different from your usual hangouts.

Eventually though, you had pointed out that it doesn’t really feel like you were dating. Suggested that maybe sleeping together would help break the ice a little. That was what started this moral dilemma. 

Being honest, it wasn’t like Yuta hadn’t considered it. What thoughts he cooked up while alone in the sanctity of his bedroom is between him and the heavens only. It was just the way you suggested it. You saying it made it all feel so real. And Yuta wasn’t sure how to deal with that. He wants to cherish you so much that he felt like he couldn’t consider your offer too lightly. 

And he told you as much, hand in yours and red-faced to which you only blew some hair out of his eyes and laughed. A simple okay, a nod, and a kiss.

Of course, if everything had been smooth sailing this would be a different thing altogether. While Yuta had declined sleeping with you too soon, you had absolutely no plans to make his life easy. He’s not sure how much of it is on purpose. Knowing you, probably a lot. You’re a smart girl, after all.

So all of your bending over and tongue kissing before going home and selfies that just border on boudoir are probably very purposeful. But he’s endured it all. He should cherish you more. He’s been determined to not give in. 

The fact he’s all but ready to blow his load over just being in your room makes him feel pathetic. And maybe he is, a little. But only for you. 

Yuta likes to think of himself as a collected individual. Really.  He knows being this worked up over something as innocuous as his girlfriends room is ridiculous. He knows he’s being ridiculous.

But he really, really wants to uphold his beliefs here. So he’s stiff, sitting with his hands clasped and holding it together just barely. 

He practically jumps out of his skin when you return to your room with a tray of refreshments. 

“Woah, Yuta. You okay?”

He turns around to look at you. A mistake, apparently. His eyes land on the sight of your bare legs before he forces himself to meet your eyes. You’re so pretty to him. Always so beautiful without any effort. 

“Huh? Yeah. Sorry, just got lost in thought.”

You put the tray down on the table in front of him before sitting on the edge of your bed - facing him. The distance between you is minimal. You reach out to pet the top of his head with the palm of your hand, scratching his jaw tenderly. Yuta feels loved by the touch. 

“You sure? Looks like you saw a ghost.”

Your genuine worry makes his spine feel like it’ll melt. He puts his hands over yours, rubbing his cheek against your palm.

“Promise I’m okay. Just—it's nothing serious.” 

“Mm. Even if it’s nothing serious, I wanna know what stuff you’re worried about, ‘kay? So tell me if you want.”

He feels unsteady but so happy. 

“Thank you, my love.”

“Yeah, of course. You wanna keep sitting on the floor or…?”

The minute you ask him, he feels the hair stand up on his neck. 

“The bed…?”

You give him a look of confusion before you break out into a knowing grin.

“Oh, I forgot. I mean to remain chaste, my liege. Just wanna cuddle a bit.”

“Are you making fun of me?” He asks, not masking the pout in his voice. 

You tilt your head to one side, leaning  back on your palms. 

“A little,” You say mischievously, shrugging “I’m used to your lifestyle of celibacy.” 

He frowns at you. “It’s not like that, I just want to—“

“I just want to cherish you because I love you and want you for more than sex yadda yadda yadda. I know. And I respect your wishes even if I think it’s silly.” You say, taking the words right out of his mouth. His frown deepens.

“It’s not silly to me.” He says, almost petulantly. At this, you grab his face in your hands which catches him off-guard. You knock your forehead against his, bent over to do it. 

“I know that too, you dummy. The point is that I’m not trying to get in your pants right now.”

He can’t help but smile, pulling away to kiss at your wrist. You giggle. 

“Well, what do you want?”

“To be wrapped up in each other like otters.”

“So romantic.”

“Right? So get up here.” 

He gives in sooner rather than later. You scoot till your back is along the wall next to your bed and Yuta wastes no more time in joining you. Your bed is crazy comfortable. Just laying it in makes him want to fall asleep almost immediately. He gets cozy  before directing his gaze to you in front of him. He feels like he’s gonna throw up and the only thing that’ll come out is his heart. You give him a look of amusement. 

“Enjoying the view?” You tease. He laughs, leaning forward to tuck his face into your neck.

“Yeah. Smells like you,” 

“So cute.” 

“Don’t know how to feel about being called cute.” He says honestly. He peers up at you and you’re giggling and he can feel his heart rate sky-rocket. You twirl a piece of his hair around your index finger. 

“You’re cute and cool and handsome. Better?” 

“Yeah. Yes.” 

“Mm,” You respond. He looks at you as your expression drifts off somewhere. He can’t take his eyes away from your face “Sorry you had to stay over.” 

“It’s fine. It’d be a shame if you didn’t get anything to look over while we were there. If you make any breakthroughs, it’d be good for Gojo-sensei.” 

“You still call him that even though you graduated so many years ago?”

He flushes slightly. 

“Force of habit. My point stands.” 

“Mhm. Thanks for being so supportive. I didn’t think it was that late, y’know? I would’ve tried to hurry if I knew,” You say thoughtfully “But I like having you over.” 

He gives you a once over as he pulls away, eyes flitting to your lips. You give him a small grin. 

“Kiss me.” 

He looks at you apologetically. 

“That’s not fair. We can’t kiss? Making out doesn’t count as intimate relations, Yuta.” 

“Okay, but it can lead to them.” 

“If it’s that serious, I’ll sleep on the couch.” 

“Wait, no.” 

“Then kiss me.” 

He sighs. 

“Just kissing, okay?” 

“Okay, you monk.” 

He laughs at the comment before pressing his lips to yours tenderly. You have no such intent of leaving it that way - your hand on immediately on the nape of his neck. The softness of your tongue makes Yuta feel like there’s fizz in his head - like the water inside of him is seltzer. He thought you would at least try to give him some mercy. 

He probably shouldn’t expect that from his favorite girl. He pulls away, out of breath. A little line of saliva breaks off between you. Your grin is eye-catching, like glass in the sun. Yuta wouldn’t mind burning in the magnitude of your light. 

“Just kissing,” He emphasizes, trying to be firm. You hum, hand on his cheek. You rub your thumb on his lip tenderly, looking at him square in the eyes. He’s stronger than this, he swears. 

“We are just kissing though?” 

“Baby.” He frowns. A laugh bubbles up from your stomach and he’s so entranced by it he nearly forgets what he’s trying to convince you of. 

“Since when is making out too naughty? Teenagers do stuff like that, Yuta. We’re grown-ups.” 

“That’s the whole problem.” He says back in faux exasperation. You look like you’re going to kiss him again, but you lean into his ear instead. Your breath is warm and ticklish against his skin. 

“Yuta,” You murmur with such clear intent he feels himself break down under the weight “Can’t we have sex, hm?” 

Blood rushes down to his dick so fast he’s embarrassed. He stares at you as you pull away, a look  in your eyes that makes him want to collapse. Of course he does. He wants to have so much sex with you so often it’s starting to drive him up a wall. Is there anyone in the world other than him masochistic enough to turn down the offer? He’s doubtful to say the least. 

“I want to,” He admits. You beam and nod. Your hand slides down to squeeze his waist. He swallows thickly. 

“Yeah? Then why can’t we?” 

“I just..don’t want to rush things,” He replies with as much conviction as he possibly can. The sincerity must reach you because you soften a little “We’ve known each other for a long time. And it was already hard to get here. I just want to make sure it’s right.” 

“You’re so thoughtful,” You murmur to him, running over his hip bone with your thumb “And that makes you really sexy, you know?” 

“What if it gets all messed up?” 

“Our relationship is stronger than that, yeah. It can withstand a handjob.” 

He groans at your vulgarity before laughing. 

“I’m being serious!” 

“I know and that’s so sweet of you. But I really, really don’t think it’ll be that bad if we have sex. We might fuck like rabbits for a few days but that’s not really the end of the world.” 

He feels heat creep up his next as you nuzzle your nose against his, whispering softly. 

“And doesn’t that sound nice? Cooped up in this little room, fucking each others brains out. Just you and me.” 

He feels his dick steel against his will. He looks at you seriously, a fire in his expression. 

“You’re being unfair.”  

“Who, me? Never. I’m just telling you what I think.” 

He groans in complaint. Is this the right thing to do? He doesn’t think so. But it’s not like he doesn’t want to. He really, really wants to have sex and there’s never been such a perfect opportunity. You’re a little too good at turning him on and he’s a little too pent up to think about it more clearly. It feels like the only thing he can think about, a side-effect of this whole conundrum. There is a right way to go about this and he can’t say for certain yours isn’t the one. 

Plus the vivid picture you’ve painted of the two of you fucking in a room for hours is making his whole body burn up with lust. Fuck, the things he could do to you in all that time without it ever being enough. 

Yuta didn’t know he was aching for you so badly until he was this close to having you. 

“Baby,” He can feel how deep his voice is getting. It’s taking all of his strength to keep it in. 

“How do you want me? Tell me. You’ve been thinking about me right?”

“Always,” He confesses, staring at you without any restraint “Always thinking of you.”  

“Doing what?”

Oh. This is… 

Oh.

“I’ve never seen you naked.”

“Then you daydream about seeing me naked? How tame.” 

“It’s more than that, it’s—I want to make you feel good. You’re so good to me. And I wanna…”

You stare at him. You’re so cheeky. 

“You wanna?”

“Want you to feel good. But because of me. All because of me.”

A wave of heat passes through him. He looks at you and you look...different. You look turned on, fingers carding through his hair. Right now all Yuta can think about is how much he wants. A word with so much weight behind it he can hardly keep up. God doesn’t Yuta want you more than he’s ever wanted anything. 

The room feels like it’s hotter than it was a few seconds last. A thick tension spreads over everything like jam. Yuta is too dazed to do anything. He can only watch as you sit up. You guide him to lay on his back and climb on top of him with ease. Your thighs feel warm and soft as you straddled him, taking his hands to put them on your waist.

He slides them up underneath your shirt lightly, enough to feel the warmth of your skin on his calloused fingers. Your eyes lock as you lean forward the slightest bit, caging Yuta in with your hand next to his head. 

“So possessive,” You tease, seeing right through him like you usually do. He really is. He thought he was a little better at hiding it “Already all yours, Yuta.” 

That makes his dick twitch. You must feel it because you laugh at him about it and his hands grip even tighter. He’s gonna lose his mind, being swept up by you so easily. He’s gotten so used to forfeiting restraint. Always goes in head first because that’s how cowards have to learn to fight. But he’s forgotten how to hold back. How to suppress. 

Right now, he feels like an animal. He feels like a restless hound dog, straining against the spiked collar he’s tried to keep himself in place. What does that make you, he wonders? 

In an attempt at transparency, he looks at you and says “I want you so much.”

And your reply is about all the permission he needs. 

“Then take me,” 

Yuta heeds your words and takes. It’s easy to flip you both over from where you are. He mumbles an apology as you yelp in surprise - and he hopes you’ll forgive him for his impatience. He’s been picturing this for months now. He knows what he wants, and that’s you on your back with him on top of you - making you feel so fucking good you can’t stand it. He slots his legs between yours, hovering over you as your bodies press into each other. 

You wrap your arms around Yutas neck with ease and he leans in to kiss you passionately. Despite where you are, it’s clear you're helping set the pace. Yuta is eager to follow. It starts off slow enough but when you pull away once, you're opening your mouth enough to let him in deeper. You stick your tongue out and Yuta follows suit. Everything is so hot he feels like it’ll burn, and you taste like mint toothpaste. He likes swapping spit with you like this, the messy way the drool runs down his chin and yours like you can’t get enough for each other. 

He has no idea how long you stay like that. Just kissing is a dangerous game. The nip of your mouth and the press of your incisors in his lower lip leave him shuddering. His hard cock is pressed against your abdomen, and he can’t help himself but hump into the soft plush of your tummy. Even through the stiff material of his jeans he can feel you. 

He quivers and whimpers into your mouth but you swallow the noise with delight. Your fingers find themself at the nape of his hand reaching up, tugging at the root. You pull away to give him a chance to breathe. He sounds pathetic, he knows it, but fuck he can’t hold it in anymore. Your voice is cool and collected yet rich and heady. It feels like a salve to his raw nerves, calming to him. He closes his eyes and humps into you and everything feels like it’ll disappear. Yuta just wants to give into his base needs. He wants to be all yours as much as he wants you to be all his and everything is so tangled up in his mind. 

“That feel good, Yuta?” 

“Y-yeah. Yes. Oh, yes.” 

You giggle at him a little and Yuta looks up at you. Look at the swell of your lips and the flush and sheen on your skin. Too much, too much, too much. 

But not enough at the same time, he rubs his cock against you again, harder. 

“So pent up,” You comment smoothly and Yuta groans in agreement “Why don’t I help you a little?” 

Unsure of what you mean, he stares at you hazily. You push him off, making him stand to his knees and he watches you as your hands come to the ends of your shirt. You pull it off over your head and toss it somewhere. You have nothing on underneath. His mouth dries out almost completely. Bare skin of your shoulders and the curve of your neck and your chest so open. Your nipples are hard against the cool air, standing to attention.

Your b0dy is so much sexier than he could’ve conjured up in his head. The real thing doesn’t even compare, and the way you move as you take off the rest is so fucking mesmerizing. Yuta watches you take off your pants next -  you put your legs up to slide them off. 

There’s not a single part of you that Yuta doesn’t want to claim for himself. He traces the outline of your legs, the bend of your knee and the arch of your foot. He should worship you, after all - he was right for trying to restrain it before. If he had this in the beginning, he’s afraid of what kind of person he might become. He’s scared of it even now.

 Yuta is of course the type of man to get sick on his own devotion. He’s always been like that. That’s what the rings on his hands always mean. He wants to make himself sick on you. 

Nothing could be more intense than just watching you undress, he doesn't think. You toss your shorts somewhere, but leave your panties on. Yuta still has his clothes on. The only barrier between you now is a thin layer of cotton. There’s a damp spot on it. He can’t stop his hand from reaching out, pressing into it with his thumb as gently as he can. You gasp. His eyes go wide. 

“It’s okay,” You assure, a smile on your face “Just wasn’t expecting it.”

He hums, dumbstruck, and smooths his thumb over the seam. There’s something salacious about the boundary itself. The material that’s keeping him from just taking you. 

“C-can you leave them on..? For a bit?” He asks. You blink twice. Even if you’re confused, there’s not any judgment. Yuta really does love you. 

“Uh-huh. If you want me too,”  

You give him the floor this time, Yuta thinks. He takes his shirt off too. He doesn’t take his jeans off completely, though. Only unzips them, pushing them down past his boxers to give him some breathing room. And with that he’s back on top of you. He presses a gentle kiss to your lips but moves down towards your jaw. The little fluttery sigh that leaves you makes everything close in around him. Like it’s only you two in the entire world. He leaves them down your neck, down your collarbone and sternum. Warm open mouth kisses trying all over every inch of you. 

His hands shake as he reaches out for your chest. You chuckle and reach for him. Guide them to squeeze your tits firm, a cheeky look in your eye. He tries to take more confidence in it now. Gropes the fat between his fingers, palms over your nipples in appreciation. He’s entranced by it, pushing them together and teasing the hardened buds with the pads of his fingers.

“So pretty,” He mumbles, mostly to himself “You’re so pretty,” 

“You’re pretty too, Yuta.” 

He can feel a blush crawl up his skin. He ducks his head down to take your nipples into his mouth. You let out a soft moan of pleasure that encourages him to suck harder on one and use his fingers to tease you where his mouth can’t reach. Your sighs are shaky and you're gently losing your composure.

 He wants to shatter you completely. 

He grabs your thighs and encourages you to wrap your legs around his waist. And you do with his guidance, a well of desire about to burst within him. He adjusts until his cock is snug against your clothed cunt. A broken oh, leaves your lips and Yuta humps into you, shifting until he hits the sweet spot. Your voice sounds again, pitchy and melodic like a wind chime and that’s when Yuta knows he has it. 

He has you right where he wants you now. Bodies pressed into each other and so involved, so together. Yuta can feel you everywhere. He’s always been in sync with you but every notch is turned to ten. The shallow rise and fall of your stomach, the slightest tenseness in your spine that melt away when he gives you a little attention. He has you in his grasp but he wants to hold onto you tighter. He feels like he’s been struck by lightning, the way his nerves are revved up.

He focuses on where your lower bodies meet, tongue poked between his lips and furrow in his brow. Drives his clothed, hard cock against your cunt, catching the crown into your clit until you’re shaking underneath him. There’s something so primal about it that Yuta can’t take it. He can’t think clearly anymore, lost in the feeling of dull pleasure. If it feels so good like this, being inside you might be too much. You’re both naked mostly except for where you both need each other. So close in proximity that Yuta can hear each of your short pants. Erratic and almost thoughtlessly driven by one single thing, pleasing you. Feeling each other, all wrapped up together. There’s something romantic about the mutual desperation. 

Drawing out those moans as he sucks at your tits, making you feel how hard he is. How pent up and needy and fucking horny he is all for you. 

Just humping your soft, sweet little cunt through your panties makes Yuta want to risk everything he’s got. The push and pull of too much and  not enough at the same time.  It’s so fucking euphoric. Your fabric keeps wetter and wetter, and Yuta doesn’t know if it’s you or him - his pre-cum dribbling through his boxers. Mixing together so that there’s less friction than there should be, material all soaked through and tacky. 

He can feel your pussy pulse and tremble. Your spine goes stiff and Yuta pulls away to look at you. You’re beautiful. You’re on edge, in complete bliss and so fucking beautiful. 

“Oh, oh, Yuta - shit, like that. G-gonna, gonna,” 

He doesn’t know what overtakes him, but he babbles on pulling away. 

“Cum for me, please—fuck, baby, p-please, need it,” 

You cum the first time just like that. For Yuta, humping each other like two lovesick teenagers. All for him you get all broken. He can’t help but burn the image of you underneath in his head forever. He needs to see it all again. 

“Oh, that felt so fucking good,” The praise feels like it’s being injected into his bloodstream“You make me feel sho good,” 

The slight slur in your words and praise all together makes him too happy. He kisses you, sloppy and lovedrunk, tongues touching and teeth chattering. 

“You’re everything I’ve ever wanted,” Yuta says with as much conviction as any one man could have. You laugh so loud it makes him smile. “I don’t wish well for anyone you dated before me.”  And you laugh again even louder. 

“You sound polite even when you’re threatening people.”  You say with nothing but affection. Yuta wants more. He wants you. Even with this quiet lull, he’s thinking about how he can get you to cum again. 

He nudges his nose to your cheek, kissing the corner of your mouth before he talks. 

“I want you to do it again,” He states, slow and steady, trying to feel out your willingness “And then I want to fuck you,”

“Wanna fuck me after you make me a mess?” You say, much more bluntly than he has. You’re not wrong “Are you a sadist after all, Yuta?”

“You look good when you’re messy. ‘s not my fault.” He replies, a little bite to his words. This delights you to the point he's proud. He does his best not to look uncool and this one time he’s succeeded. 

“Make a mess of me, Yuta,” You encourage, probably because you know he needs it. And he does “I want it.” 

“Yeah,” Comes his reply, as he pulls himself off of you “Me too,” 

The pace slows down now. The room smells of sex and Yuta can still feel the blood rushing in his ears but nothing so frantic. He lays you back, your legs undoing from behind him and resting. Yuta kisses your sternum first, a wave of emotion running through him. He puts his hands on your sides, sliding them down to meet your hips and squeezing tight. 

He kisses his down your body like it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. He can feel you curl in above him - not completely. But you seem a little astonished, and he'd be lying if he said it didn’t make him feel like he accomplished something. He works his way lower slowly, rubbing small circles into your skin as often as he can. Caressing you and committing your body to memory. He wants you to feel him as much as he’s feeling you, to feel his touch. The tension in the air is strengthened by his silence. 

If he were saying anything it’d be something like this. Like can you feel it? how much i love you? or i want all of you. Things he can’t often muster up the strength to say. He’s good with his words but not good enough to communicate all of it so bluntly. Yuta is brave in areas other than love. Sometimes your adoration makes all the words clog in his throat. This is better for him, the physicality brings him peace of mind. 

He likes how you feel. Your skin is much softer when he compares it to his, feels so different and more plush and comfortable. Yuta likes taking you in his hands and kneading the skin gently enough to relax you. Lower and lower, a trail of wet marks until he’s close to your clothed cunt. He stares at the sticky material, kissing it feather light before redirecting his attention to your thighs. 

He starts again, at the bend of your knee - and works his way inward. He’s rougher now, taking time to mark up your inner thigh with precision. Yuta can’t help himself, placing kisses in the last places his teeth bit you. He does it again and again, up along one thigh and then moving to the other until you’re covered in them. 

You’re trembling with anticipation. A sense of contentment washes over Yuta as his breath fans over your cunt, so completely soaked the fabrics a different color. His tongue runs over the material, a shameless moan of pleasure leaving his mouth. You arch your back, hands reaching to take root in his hair. The sensation of tension on his scalp makes his cock twitch. It’s salty and a little bitter, the mix of his pre-cum and yours altogether. Yuta goes to do it again anyway. The mess of it gets him excited, unconsciously rubbing into the sheets underneath him. 

“O-oh, Yuta.” 

He shivers, hands planing over the tops of your thighs as he brings him down close to him. 

“Yeah, yeah baby. Just me and you,” 

A soft laugh leaves your mouth. Yuta can feel how worked up you are. You’re quiet and tense. Some part of him wants to leave you like that waiting, but the other part of him wants to give you everything you’ve ever asked for. He gives into the latter, because that’s what he wants more. Rolls the fabric off of your legs with a deep sigh, a pleased hum. He loves the way you smell, the scent of sex and arousal mixed with the fancy soaps you keep in your bathroom. Your pussy is as pretty as you are, a sheen of arousal all along your slit. Your clit peeks through, swelled from need. Yuta kisses it without thinking. 

He starts slow. Lays his tongue flat against the seam of your cunt before dragging it up. The taste of you covers his mouth, tangy and slightly sweet - Yuta can’t get enough of you. He moans in appreciation, repeating the gesture as he pulls your pussy close. His nose bumps into your sex. He peers up at you with his lashes. You’re so pretty it makes him want to please. He repeats this over and over - licking at your clit with enthusiasm. Your clit is hard and needy, throbbing against the soft, smooth muscle of his tongue as he gains a sort of rhythm. He gauges your reaction when he tries something new, adding pressure until you’re squirming underneath him. When you start growing noisier, Yuta knows he’s hit the right pace. 

And he stays like that, your pussy soaking his mouth and chin. He adjusts himself slightly, rubbing his fingers between your folds. You let out a soft oh above him, making him want to laugh. He keeps at it, his fingers sliding far enough to tease your entrance. Your hole is twitching without him having done much at all, his middle finger teasing and prodding. 

“Don’t t-tease so much,”  You pant. 

Yuta nearly blows his load listening to you talk like that. He didn’t think you could be so cute. He listens though, pushing his middle finger into you with ease. It doesn’t take too much effort. Your insides are so incredibly wet for him. Your walls are so soft and inviting, syrupy to the touch. Yuta loves feeling them. He gives you time to adjust to the new sensation, fucking in and out slow enough that the tension melts. He gets knuckle deep with his middle finger and when it doesn’t seem like you’re tense anymore - he goes and adds another. 

He does both in tandem - and there’s a period where it’s all a bunch of sensation for you. Eventually it stops being just a feeling, turns into pleasure. He curls his fingers up against you hard, rubbing the soft and spongy area and he can feel you practically lurch forward. Your spine arches, mouth dropped open in a soft ‘o’. Another feeling of pride spreads through his chest, his whole body. He wants you to let go again just like this. While he fingers your weepy cunt and with your clit in his mouth - he wants to see how far he can push. How wet you can get before he ever gets inside. 

Yuta isn’t one for competition or ego. He’s always been easy-going. But something about you being underneath him like this, moaning for him like this - makes him feel like he should put in a little more effort to prove himself. He wants to make you feel so good, wants to see your composure break down steadily. He wants you praise him for it, to fuck each other like animals in the thereafter of your second orgasm. He pushes towards that goal steadfastly, and soon enough your body catches up with him. 

Yuta can practically feel your stomach tighten. You let out a noise, a string of mismatched syllables like a warning. Yuta only hums in encouragement, keeping his pace exactly the same. Feeling it is incredible. His fingers can feel the way your walls tighten up so hard and the tremors of the aftermath. 

Your back curves in a C as you cum, hard for him and he can feel it. He can feel you cum. He can see you, see the pleasure crash into you like a tidal wave. A second. Yuta made you cum twice in a row and he’s already itching to do it a third. 

You practically pry him off as you ride the wave of your high. You sigh deeply, and Yuta licks his fingers. He waits for your adoration, pleased to receive as you pull him up for a kiss. 

“You’re so fucking good, Yuta,” You say and Yuta feels his resolve crumble. He needs to fuck you immediately “So, so good to me baby.” 

He whimpers into your mouth. “I need you.”

You laugh breathlessly, your hand reaching between your bodies to squeeze his cock. Yuta shudders and you giggle to yourself. 

“Yeah. Bet you’re feeling pent up, Yuta. How about I treat you this time? That okay?” 

“Treat me?” 

“By riding you,” You say, smiling at him. He gets chills from the offer “You want that?” 

“Oh. Oh, fuck - please. Please?” 

You smile at him. 

“Lay on your back, sweet boy.” 

Sweet boy. He swallows thickly but does as you say. Lays back and watches you climb over him a second time tonight - this time with a much more obvious intent. He can’t stop thinking about how gorgeous he finds you - no matter how many times he sees you, it’s not easy to get used to. 

You sit up on his lap, naked and beautiful, your hangs tugging down his boxers just enough to free his cock. He hisses at the sensation of air, then moans because your hand squeezed around the shaft. Yuta watches, bewitched, by how you spit into the palm of your hands and let it drip down onto his cock. You stroke until he’s covered in it, saliva making a mess of him. When he’s all wet, you scoot forward just slightly. A hand ends up on his chest as you pull your hips up. 

Guiding the tip to your hole, you sink down on Yuta finally. He can only recognize loosely that there’s no condoms to be seen but he doesn’t find it in himself to care. There’s a slight sensation of tension that quickly gives away to nothing but slick, white-hot pleasure. You feel amazing. It’s not like anything he’s ever felt in his entire life and each time you drop down another inch - he’s biting his cheek trying not to cum immediately. That’d be such a waste, even if you’ve promised to fuck like rabbits - Yuta wants to make this last long. 

You lower yourself steadily until all of him is inside. Your expression is slightly pinched, and your whole body trembles before you finally seem comfortable. You lean forward, your hand next to Yuta’s head as you look at him. 

“Cum when you feel like you need to, ‘kay?” 

Yuta just swallows. 

Before he gets a chance to adjust to the feeling, you pick your hips and slam them back down on his cock without breaking a sweat. Yuta nearly screams, his hands immediately shooting to your hips to try and slow you down. You give him a wry grin, He almost wants to plead for your mercy. 

“Want me to go slower?” 

“Please be nice.” 

You giggle but heed his request. Repeating the motion but slower as promised, you rock yourself steadily onto Yuta’s cock. The pace is controlled and smooth, a rhythmic pass of your hips over and over. Your insides feel like they’ll melt him completely, make him liquid from the inside out. You’re picturesque riding him, tits bouncing and leaned forward enough that Yuta can see the concentration on your face. He watches you find your own pleasure in it too - somewhere half-way between grinding and bouncing that makes you look so good. He feels so incredible like this. 

He moves his hands so they’re grabbing your ass and only moves with you slightly. Not enough to change the pace, but to meet you. The room is filled with the sound of skin hitting skin - a tacky smack as your bounces hard enough to hit Yutas thighs. Something about is so vulgar, but something about is so sensual. He can feel every nerve in his body standing on edge. Your hand moves gently between your bodies to tease your clit as you ride and Yuta can’t help but be impressed by your stamina. He feels so spoiled. Feels so mind-numbingly good he wants to go brain dead while you drain for everything he’s got. 

Your expression is blissed out as you hit your stride, absolutely debauched. He can feel you again, another rush of arousal. He’s getting better at telling when you’re close. Your pussy is so sloppy all for him, because of him. So messy that it’s dripping down his cock onto his balls, all over the sheets underneath you. He can feel you clench in anticipation - the sudden spasming in the build up. 

“Gonna cum again and I want you cum right after me, yeah baby? Can you do that?” 

Yuta groans. 

“Pleasepleaseplease.” Is all he can make out. You laugh, breathy. Your pace is still the same as you rub your clit. The third time you cum is less intense. It’s a shorter wave, a softer sort of orgasm that seems to ease you more than it does anything else. Even still, you clench around his cock hard - getting so much wetter than you were a minute ago. 

It’s in the tremors that Yuta finally feels in touch with himself again. He loses himself completely. Finally giving into the sensation that’s been drowning him, He feels it in his entire lower body. Every atom of him finally catching up to the high of the release. It’s so intense when he opens his mouth nothing comes out. His eyes shoot open then go back closed. The coil in his stomach loosens more slowly at first than all at once, like a car crash. When Yuta finally cums he sees nothing but white stars in his vision. He can’t scream, can’t speak - so he holds onto you tight and finishes to the sound of your gentle coaxing. Your voice is shot hoarse as you coo to him.

“That’s it baby, cum for me. That’s it, there you go.” Echoes around in his head. Cum spurts out of him, thick and hot in your walls and he doesn’t even try to pull out as he goes completely limp underneath you. 

When he opens his eyes back up again, you're both just as ragged as each other. Yuta can’t stop himself from laughing. He hugs you tight to his chest as you lay on top of him - naked bodies and tangled limbs. 

“I love you,” Yuta says blearily. You laugh. 

“I love you too, Yuta.” 

__ 

After you and Yuta manage the energy to shower, you find yourselves back in bed. It’s late when you’re finally ready to sleep, being in the same positions you were before. Only this time with new sheets. 

Yuta lets you into his arms, wrapping them around you as you nuzzle into his chest. 

“So. Was it worth breaking your rules?” 

Yuta can’t help but break out into laughter at your question. He nods his head, a flush on his expression. 

“Yeah. Yeah it was.” 

[arieslost]

waking up from a nightmare, literally gasping for air and in seconds charles is by your side and holding you close. he’s whispering in your ear, trying to soothe you and is wiping your tears with his thumb bye i love my little precious leclerc

“my little precious leclerc” actually made me tear up i hope u know. i adore him

© arieslost 2024. DO NOT REPOST WITHOUT PERMISSION.

wake me up | cl16

you wouldn’t call it a recurring nightmare. more like a nightmare that started one night, years ago, and kept getting worse and worse as time went on, layers of hurt and fear and heartbreak settling on top of each other every time your subconscious displayed it in all its horrid glory. you can’t even pinpoint what the worst part about it is anymore.

it used to be waking up alone. by yourself, in your pitch black room, was almost as bad as being asleep and experiencing the nightmare. there was never anything to distract you from the feeling of tears sliding down your cheeks, your heart still racing from fear, your eyes conjuring up flashes of the nightmare even though you were awake.

now it’s waking up next to charles, wanting to wake him up, desperately craving the comfort that only he can give you, but refusing to do so because of how hard he works. you won’t deprive him of his sleep, certainly not for something as trivial as a stupid nightmare. especially because he has trouble falling asleep most nights; always thinking about things he might have forgotten to do, his schedule for the next day, the next race weekend, when he can get you your all access pass.

you always tell him not to worry about you, that he has enough on his plate and you knew that when you said yes to being his girlfriend. this, your nightmare, is certainly much more trivial than making sure you have a paddock pass for a race weekend. this isn’t even real. it doesn’t matter.

so when you sleep horribly because of it, and charles notices (because of course he does), you just brush it off, saying you couldn’t get comfortable, you were too hot, too cold, whatever excuse you can think up on a whim.

“you should’ve woken me up, amore.” it’s what he says every. single. time.

and you know he means it. that he truly wants you to wake him up so he can care for you in whatever capacity he possibly can. you just can’t bring yourself to do it because of this.

this time, though, you don’t have a choice.

there’s another terrifying layer to your nightmare tonight. you’re lucid to some degree, enough to know that you should have the ability to wake yourself up from this subconscious plane, but you’re incapable of doing so. you tell your eyes to open, but they’re glued shut like they have to see this through to the end, even though you know how this ends.

you fight, and fight, and fight, until finally, your eyes fly open, tears flooding your vision and a ragged gasp tearing its way out of your throat as you scramble into an upright position. the commotion wakes charles immediately, and he doesn’t even ask what’s going on before he springs into action.

“breathe, baby,” he murmurs softly, gathering you into his arms. “listen to my heartbeat.”

you’re trembling, trying your hardest to calm down as you instantly melt into his embrace, his warmth spreading into your limbs and working to ease the tension you didn’t know they were holding.

“i-i—” you try to say, your mouth struggling to form the words.

“shh, it’s okay. i’ve got you, i’m right here.” he whispers, kissing your forehead and running his hands along the backs of your own.

“i’m sorry,” you say finally, nuzzling your face into his neck and breathing in his comforting scent.

“don’t apologize,” he replies firmly. “is this why you’ve been having trouble sleeping?”

you nod slowly, already knowing what he’s going to say next.

“why didn’t you ever wake me up?”

“i just...” you sigh, shifting closer to him and tilting your face towards him as he reaches to wipe your tears. “it’s stupid. i’ve been having this nightmare for years now, and it just keeps getting worse. this time, i couldn’t wake up. usually i just wake up and deal with it. you work so hard every day, and this really isn’t important—”

“i’m going to stop you right there, amore,” charles interrupts, cupping your face with both hands. “i don’t ever want you to say that anything you’re going through isn’t important.”

“but—”

“yes, i do work hard. i have a lot going on more often than not. but out of everything, i work hardest for this. us. do you know what the most important thing in my life is?”

“ferrari?” you answer immediately, only half joking.

“no, ma drôle de fille,” he laughs, “it’s you. i’m going to retire from racing one day, but i’m going to be with you until the day i die. and even after that.”

you feel yourself tearing up for a whole new reason.

“so don’t tell me that it’s not important,” he continues, leaning back into the pillows and bringing you with him. “if it’s bothering you, it bothers me too. you hear me?”

you nod.

“and you’ll wake me up next time?”

you nod again.

“good. now close your eyes. keep listening to my heartbeat. i’ll fight off the nightmares for you, okay amore?”

“you are so cheesy, cha,” you grumble, snuggling into his chest.

“shh, go to sleep,” he coos quietly, stifling a laugh as he pets your hair.

you shut your eyes dutifully, focusing in on the steady beat of his heart, the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest.

you dream of him.

word count: 907

masterlist — join my tag list here!

note: every charles leclerc request i get makes my heart soar because not only do i get to write about my favorite driver but i also get to improve on said writing THANK U ANON

ma drôle de fille = “my funny girl” (i hope)

my inbox is always open for comments, criticism, and conversation! feel free to pop in!

reblogs are always appreciated <33

dividers by @/saradika

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[worldlxvlys]

heyy an, i miss u sm so i got a request!! what if u start a sturniolo little sister thing (c.ai doesn't feed me enough) basically the plot i wrote on c.ai is reader (she has a name on c.ai but just go with y/n ig) is about to leave to go to a party in a sort of "revealing" outfit (it's not actually that revealing the triplets are just overprotective as shit in my plot) and they notice a few she's been wearing more revealing outfits these days and they lowkey wonder why. (that's not actually what happens in my plot but i'm gatekeeping it bc it's my comfort c.ai bot) and then you can go from here i guess!! in my plot, reader is a very whiny, easily annoying and whimpery girl, ykwim? like she's so easily hurt / upset. that's one of her main traits so hope it helps the development of the fic! ilysm🫶🏻

stand out

sturniolo triplets x sister! reader

warnings: cursing, mention of shitty ex

a/n: kind of got carried away, hopefully you like it tho

ily <33

“you’re not leaving in that” chris stated for about the fifth time that night. i was starting to get annoyed.

i’ll admit that my shorts were on the shorter side, but everything was covered.

“why chris? why do you care about what i put on my body?”

his jaw clenched as he let out a heavy sigh.

catching onto the annoyance that was written all over chris’s face, matt stepped in.

“look, what you decide to wear is completely up to you, we aren’t going to tell you what you can and can’t wear.” he placed his hand on my shoulder gently.

“we’ve just noticed that your outfits have been a little more on the revealing side lately-“ i cut him off, already knowing where this conversation was heading.

“ we? so you guys talk about how i dress when i’m not here?” his mouth opened and closed like a fish as my question caught him off guard.

nick then pitched in, “look, we’re genuinely just worried about you. we want to make sure you’re safe”

“i’m fine guys, seriously. i mean, everybody wants to stand out, right?” i watched as all of their faces dropped as they began to catch on.

matt tilted his head at me, “is this about your ex?” i let out a sigh at this.

he knows me too well.

when i broke up with my ex, matt was the person i leaned on. chris and nick were there for me, of course, but matt was the person who took me for late night drives to cheer me up. so, naturally, i spoke to him the most about my feelings.

when i was dumped, my ex told me i was just like every other girl and i tried too hard to fit in. while i tried to act like his words held no affect on me, they hurt me deeply.

they rang through my head constantly, no mater what i did. but, i didn’t want to completely change just because a man decided to use my biggest insecurity against me. so, instead, i decided to switch up my style.

what i failed to realize, however, was that my brothers were able to read me like a book.

and while the change in clothing choice was cute, it wasn’t me. it was uncomfortable.

“i hate that he still has so much power over me. it’s like no matter what i do, i can always hear his comments about me in my head.” i finally spoke.

“what did he say to you?” chris asked, growing concerned.

i looked down at this, feeling tears start to prick at the corner of my eyes.

“pretty much that there was nothing special about me and that i’m boring” i shrugged my shoulders, swallowing the lump that began to form in my throat.

“well he’s just flat-out wrong” chris stated, as though it was the most obvious thing he’s ever said.

i furrowed my eyebrows as i stared at him in confusion.

“um, hello? you’re literally the most insane person i’ve ever met”

i looked at him crazily, “is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“you’re the only person i’ve ever met that goes running for fun. that is borderline psychotic” i narrowed my eyes at him. “trust me, you’re not like any other girl” he finished.

i playfully rolled my eyes at him.

“plus” matt began, “isn’t this the same dude that thought that googled why he had a headache and was fully convinced he was dying?” i couldn’t help but chuckle at that.

nick then joined in, “besides, that motherfucker talks like he’s reading from a script written by the ginny and georgia writers, i promise you’re not missing out”

this sent the three of us into laughing messes. chris reached out for something to hold onto as he started to fall and, seeing as i was standing right next to him, that happened to be me.

chris clutched onto my shoulders as he began to bring me down with him, and the four of us doubled over in laughter.

——————

masterlist

tag list: @lovingsturniolo @lustfulslxt @gwenlore @flowerxbunnie @sturnssx @mattslolita @its-jennarose @sturnsdior @sophssturn @bernardsleftbootycheek @queen161718 @chrisdevora @cupidsword @nickmillersn1gf @stramboli4life @mattsneezing @chrisstankyleg @sturniolobltch @vib3swithanuk @ciarasturn1 @bethsturn @bernardenjoyer @mbbsgf @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @ssturniolo @blueeyedbesson @mxqdii @sturniolowhore @rheaakayourname @defnotayonna @urmom2bitch @abbie13sworld @starsturniolo @hearts4chriss @theyluv-meee @sturns-posts @carolinalikesthings @itzdarling @chrisstopherfilmed @judespoision @sstvrnioloo @littlebookworm803 @nicksdrpepper @chrisloyalgf

[nightcolorz]

Going to vent to you because this seems like a safe space for Armand sympathizers lol…

LIKE obviously Armand is doing all the wrongs, he didn't have to agree to literally any of this, blah blah etc etc BUT GIRL. if the guy i had been casually dating for two years because he had great benefits one day revealed to me that he was a child sex slave, the thing i would not do is be like 'wow, i guess what you're secretly saying is you want me to turn our relationship into an unnegotiated 24/7 TPE huh'.

And then when he came to me in a panic to tell me his life is falling apart and his employees are plotting to kill him and his protection isn't going to last much longer and i should flee the country for my own safety because he's the most vulnerable he's ever been since the time he was abducted by the crazy torture cult, the thing i absolutely would not do at that moment is surprise him by introducing that dynamic into our relationship completely out of nowhere and then order him to stay right here because I've got a totally cool plan to outmanipulate his enemies and I'll be his master now :)

And then I orchestrate a series of hot public encounters where i blur the lines of being angry and disgusted with him right up against ignoring the boundaries he sets and telling him to do whatever i want wherever i want. and because i never bothered to ask him, i don't know if he's genuinely into it or if it's because i've weaponised his trauma when he's feeling unstable, but like, he's the one who manipulated me into doing this anyway by telling me his sad backstory, so actually i'm the victim here??

AND THEN when I tell him my awesome idea of turning a nazi collaborator into a human eating monster machine and I want him to do it even though he is clearly revulsed by this idea from every angle, I'll berate him endlessly for refusing and be annoyed with him because by saying no he's making me turn her and that's not cool bro, and when he begs me not to do it, or at least not to tell him because it's breaking the rules and he's vulnerable to the machinations of the coven rn, I'll shut him up with my dom routine, and then tell him to come watch because he'll realize he does actually want it after he does it.

and when he asks me whether this is a genuine invitation in this moment or if I'm ordering him to do it and will be upset if he doesn't, I'll be so hurt and angry with him because wow, I can't believe after months of using my nonconsensual game of acting like his childhood master to get him to do things for me, he's acting like I'd use my nonconsensual game of pretending to be his childhood master against him, fuck you for trying to manipulate me right now you worthless piece of shit </3.

like even daniel, the most neutral and ethical judge of whether it's okay to make someone a vampire, can tell the only reason he'd set his one boundary at murdering and cursing another human being for eternity is because it's not hot or convenient, and not because of 500 years of witnessing the most insane vampire maker shenanigans known to Europe.

and then the entire audience claps because honestly i'm just trying so hard and my boyfriend just keeps fucking it all up for me and taking away my choices. literally what else could i have done in this situation :(

AHHHH ANON U ATE THIS UP ‼️🙏 and Yes this is absolutely THE safe place for Armand sympathizers!! I am the Armand sympathizer king and u have just brought me an Armand sympathizer gift lined with gold and jewels and placed it in front of my thrown and I’m knighting u Armand sympathizer general as I bow before u

ur so right and it’s actually so crazy to me that this isn’t a more popular take. it’s insane to me bcus im remembering how seriously this fandom was taking Claudia’s s1 sexual assault and how sensitively it was being discussed and now these same ppl r insisting that it’s unfair to “demonize” Louis for preforming non consensual bdsm with a csa victim without any safe word or prior discussion specifically because he told him about his csa and Louis found a chance to leverage control in this relationship. I saw someone insisting that it’s ridiculous to interpret Louis as sexually exploitative for being a pimp because he was a nice pimp and he was self aware about how pimping was bad and like ??? 😭😭 how do I even argue with that, that is just so absurd I’m lost for words. No guys he was one of the good pimps because he “didnt take advantage of his position” (😭⁉️) and he knew that it was wrong to sexually exploit vulnerable women and just chose to do it anyway so see it wasn’t that bad. And because Louis knows sexual abuse is wrong and chooses to do it anyway despite this he clearly isn’t mirroring the sexual abuse Armand experienced in his non consensual power play dynamic with him because uh yeah he wouldn’t do that ig 😭. It’s not like Louis canonically is capable of using sexual exploitation to manipulate people’s vulnerabilities for his stability and gain. Like guys book Louis also felt guilty for being a slave owner and knew it was wrong 😭😭 am I gonna hear “it’s unfair to say Louis being a slave owner was indicative of his negative traits cuz he felt bad about it” come out of ur mouths 😭⁉️cuz oh my god I hope not 😭 “Louis was only a pimp because pimping was his way of keeping his family afloat and asserting the masculine identity he felt obligated to preform for his safety” and he is doing the same thing with Armand guys obviously??!! He is taking advantage of armand’s history of sexual abuse to keep himself safe from vulnerability with the coven and to assert his masculine identity as a shield like 😭 and that doesn’t stop what he’s doing from being wrong like no fucking shit. He’s a complex character and his actions come from a place of fear and not straight forward evil, but that doesn’t mean u have to defend literal sexual abuse to analyze that and to enjoy Louis as ur favorite character 😭 I keep saying this but louis is a great character and there’s nothing wrong with him being ur fav but it is pretty mf weird to insist that everything he does is ok when things that he do include like, non consent 😭

I feel ur annoyances so hard anon, it’s driving me a lil crazy rn cuz in s2 ep6’s wake i have barely seen anyone discuss the Louis fucking Armand in the coffin scene like it was pretty shitty and abusive and not like, non complexly hot and fun and nothing else. Like, Armand has been panicking for a while and insisting to Louis that he is loosing respect from the coven and therefore his control and he’s in danger because of it, and Louis decides to stroll into Armand’s office unannounced, demand he strip for him immediately, demand again without any room for argument when Armand says he can’t, and then fuck Armand in view and ear shot of the whole coven in a degrading power assertion that Louis knows will put Armand in even more of a vulnerable and compromising position, like ?? I get it read the pages to me while I fuck u was pretty hot but omg can we talk about this with some nuance 😭⁉️ this is possibly the most overt instance of Louis not asking, *demanding* that Armand sexually submit and preform for him specifically as a grab to assert dominance over the coven. And Armand of course won’t say no, he’s been quite literally trained to believe that he has services that people r entitled to take from him at any time because he’s a product to be used. He also believes that saying no is not an option because submitting to the master will keep him safe, and Louis I think knows this to an extent and knows that taking advantage of this will help him stay afloat. I believe that this scene was a significant contributor to Armand deciding to betray Louis, because Louis’s actions *do* put him in danger with the coven and cause him to loose his position of power (Santiago mocking him for getting fucked by Louis cough cough). And Armand at this point is realizing, I can choose to be in a relationship with Louis that is causing my sense of stability and safety to fall apart, or I can choose to regain my position of power by forgoing Louis and getting to retain my safety. When u think about it like that it makes perfect sense for him to do that 😭 and I’m tired of seeing takes treating Armand like he’s a sneaky little snake and not a cornered animal

on the subject of Daniel because u mentioned him at the end there, oh my god it has pissed me off since the beginning how a lot of people act like Daniel is the embodiment of the neutral, unbiased correct word of god figure who is just telling the audience how it really is. Like?? No??? 😭😭 Daniel is a shitty journalist and a shitty person, he’s borderline racist and ignorant, he is not looking to expand his perspective or approach his subjects with any empathy or nuance because he decided going in that he hates them and they r bad, which is like?? Defeats the entire purpose of the affective journalism that he is trying to preform 😭😭 He is NOT the guy u should be getting ur takes from, he is a character like any other, he is not a source for correct analysis or meta or unfiltered truth.

But anyways lol, not to be personal and vulnerable in the gay vampire sex tv show post but it’s rlly disheartening for me to witness this blatant excusing and downplaying of a sexually abusive dynamic as someone who has experienced a very similar type of “but was it technicallyyy non consensual though..?” Sexual abuse. Like guys pls 😭🙏 I thought that “bdsm dynamic that merges with actual, genuine grabs for control and blurs the line between fun sex and real demands or anger” was like considered unambiguously bad? 😭 There asses do NOT have a safe word. In conclusion anon u r everything to me and everyone else um USE UR BRAIN🔥🔥🔥🔥

thank u sm for the ask OMGG ur so well spoken and correct and I enjoyed reading ur ask so so much

[hairasuntouchedaspartoftheamazon]

Translating Killjoy Names

The Fabulous Killjoys live in the American Southwest outside L.A. if u try to tell me that they're not all a little Chicano imma be mad. I say they get spanish names too bc i love translating.

There’s a quote that’s like “you’re never translating literally between just two languages, you’re also talking about the third thing that the original phrase actually meant” and Killjoy names got a lot of connotations and meaning behind them ESPECIALLY when they’re referencing other stuff. So without further ado:

Jet Star -> Estrella Oscuro

There's a couple different connotations of the word 'jet', notably as a specific type of plane or the color descriptor 'jet-black'. There's also some lesser connotations about elegance, usually as an offshoot of the two more common meanings. Which to use here in terms of translating to get the point of it across?It’s actually unclear bc we got little information about why the killjoy names were chosen or the associations they were going for (both in terms of in the danger days universe and outside of it). I went with the 'jet-black' connotation here. Jet is a kind of dark rock, and where we get the phrase ‘jet-black’ from. Literally Estrella Oscuro means 'dark star', and I think that is a really cool killjoy name as well as an acceptable translation bc it keeps the sense of 'wait, these words go together but WHY.

Fun Ghoul -> Demonio Divertido

This translation is both easy and difficult. Right off the bat, you can do Demonio Divertido, literally Fun Demon (the word demonio means demon, yeah, but also has wider connotations for monstery things like Ghouls.) HOWEVER. This is one of the killjoy names we got an additional info for-another reason it was picked was because it sounds vaguely like ‘fanculo’ or ‘fuck you’ in Italian. Finding a spanish translation that also sounds like an insult in another language actually makes my job harder so we’re sticking with Demonio Divertido until I come up with something better.

Party Poison -> Maria Mata

Similarly, the direct translation of Party Poison would be Veneno Festivo. BUT Party Poison is also a slang term for molly/MDMA/ecstasy. Again, finding a Spanish term that keeps the idea of “killing your fun” WITH the added connotation of having the same name as a drug makes translating more difficult. Do ya use the spanish slang terms for molly, which vary but include extasis, pastis or Maria? A fun way to do it could be Maria Mata, aka “Molly Kills” going off slang terms, and I like that one because it keeps the idea of something/someone fun also fucking you up.

Kobra Kid -> El Hijo de Serpiente

The Kobra Kid translated literally is El Hijo de Serpiente, and I have no idea if there’s any deeper meaning behind that choice so we’re gonna stick with it.

Maybe I'll do more later?

[watchyourbuck]

We’re literally DAYS away from s7 but I just watched the graveyard scene™️ and I have,,,, thoughts

I haven’t publicly discussed the lighting strike, the coma dream or the third kitchen scene yet, but there was something about this scene that irked me enough, so now im here

For starters this whole episode was centered around death. We have the Fake Funeral, Shannon’s grave, the Athena arc with the man who died then came back to life, and obviously,,, as one might imagine, we brushed Buck’s near-death experience (⚡️) — then at the end,,, the ever angering Buddie talk at a previous victim’s grave.

In this episode we meet Natalia, a death doula who Buck and the rest of the 118 tend to after an accident.

She quickly takes an interest in the recently Discharged™️ Evan Buckley, even asking him out on a date after finding out about his “acquaintance” (sic.) with death.

On the date per se she manifests her excitement towards Buck’s whole story, even prompting him to say ‘look at how excited you are. you’re like a real fangirl of this stuff.’

Upon research, I’ve found that death doulas are a real thing. Slow blink. I had no idea.

Thing is, she keeps saying how cool it is to have died and come back to life, imo pressuring him into discussing details he doesn’t seem all that ready himself to say out loud (he just seems to like her, however). He does anyway. She says how amazing and cool it is. Again.

We do not get more details of the date.

Now to what brings us all here.

The scene starts with Buck and Eddie in front of Marie’s grave (a victim they knew). Buck explains how she died and mentions Natalia. Eddie says ‘we’re all gonna die alone’,,, which,, 👁️ ok mister Diaz a little somber but um– let him cook.

Buck seems a lil taken aback by this, turning to look at Eddie quietly until he explains that’s what Marie said to him and Hen. Buck disagrees with the statement.

Then it’s Eddie’s turn to mention Natalia. “That’s a beautiful thing Natalia did for her,” he says, looking at the ground. I’m not particularly a Natalia stan, but I can say that at this point of the conversation Eddie means no ill-will towards her. She’s actually somehow a… background character (of sorts) to this whole story.

This is when it gets,,,, interesting 🧍🏽‍♀️

As soon as Eddie speaks, Buck takes a small breath and smiles. Like WIDE. (Like guys that’s the picture I just put above this whole scene) — BUT he looks like he’s a bit hesitant in entrusting Eddie with the fact that he’s seeing her. He even ducks his head a little bit, which is a clear sign of cautiousness.

Before Buck’s even done speaking, Eddie sighs and throws his head slightly back. I don’t have the WORDS to explain to yall the way this man looks like he’s e x h a u s t e d (they haven’t even started the conversation bro 😭)

“Really? Dating someone you rescued?” OKAY LISTEN TO ME. This is what sets off the Marisol arc. Before Buck started dating Natalia, we hadn’t even heard about Marisol in the whole season !!!! She was gone, poof! Then Buck gets all deathy-snuggly with Natalia and suddenly Eddie’s really interested in her (when not even half an episode ago he was telling Tia Pepa he wasn’t ready even if he didn’t wanna be alone). Otherwise it would be awfully cynical of Eddie to be saying all this when he’s planning on going against his OWN words in like two episodes……….. 👨🏽‍🦯

Not only that, but it’s the fact that he looks completely against it from the very get go. Ummmm Taylor was someone they rescued, so was Ali. We never heard this speech before did we??? “You know that never ends well.” Also it’s the second fact that he says YOU know it never ends well. Excuse me? Wasn’t Ana someone you rescued also? 🤨 it just seems like he’s trying very hard to convince Buck to not do this. How do I know this you ask??? Bc I’ve been in that situation.

When Buck starts defending his choices, Eddie only nods. He can’t even look at him. He’s defeated, but not AS defeated as he’s about to be. “Anyway, she wanted to ask me about the lighting strike” “Right. You love being the guy with the answers.” This is NOT PLAYFUL. EDDIES NOT SAYING THAT ENDEARINGLY. Omg I can’t even- he’s not fooling around the way a friend would tease someone about their hot new date, he’s deliberately using the same PHRASING Buck used with him and Chris like a minute ago. He’s hurt. Eddie’s HURT. By now Eddie thinks Buck’s just playing around with this girl. And he’s hurt bc when he had his moment with Tia Pepa, he envisioned a life for himself with Buck (and I can’t tell you it was super romantic or platonic, but in his head it was a family. All three of them. This was clearly breaking that vision that he took so long to accept).

Okay. “I feel like she sees me.” I have… I need to have extensive PTO rn cuz im seething. The way Eddie’s head immediately turns to Buck, even though he had been avoiding his eyes through the entirety of the scene. Another person said this so im not gonna take originality credit but: it’s like their whole friendship flashes through his mind, and his face contorts into a very painful ‘but I see you.’ I’m in so much pain lmao

Eddie’s literally scrambling now. He doesn’t know what to say, how to stop this pain. He’s lost Buck. He lost the man he’s been secretly and unawaringly in love with for over five years. He tries to be okay with this new reality asap. He hides his feelings. He starts joking. Buck’s not really laughing either, it’s futile.

“You haven’t been the same since it happened. But how could you be?” The last bit Eddie says to himself. He’s trying to adjust so fast he might have whiplash. It’s like he’s thinking: “if I had acted before this all happened, maybe I could have changed with you, instead of watching you change from a corner when im nothing but your best friend. No authority, no rights, no permission.” 😀 im ready to end it all btw

Thing is,,, Eddie STILL loves Buck, even if he’s convinced himself in his head right about now that he can’t have him. He’ll be happy (he’ll have to be) just being his friend, because losing his romantic love won’t ever be worse than losing him completely, so he says: “You don’t have to be anything for anybody.” Does this REMIND YALL OF SOMETHING ???

(gently borrowed from @loveyourownsmiilee – although it was a gif but I’m kinda computer stupid)

Anyway, then Eddie becomes a little preachy, ending it w “so what changed you?” Which honestly he says quite angrily and accusatorially. If you watch the scene he even nods his head up, pointing at Buck and separating him from himself. He’s cutting their lines. YOU changed. YOU moved on. YOU died. YOU didn’t wait for me.

Then Buck kinda extends his hand back. “That has to mean something, right?” (Cheating death). He looks at Eddie with hope, but the man ISNT LOOKING BACK…. And the window is lost. Eddie’s joking again, Buck looks away.

Whatever, the scene ends with Eddie wanting but refusing to look at Buck, while Buck stares into a hypothetical horizon with a glimmer of a new, different hope. He never realized Eddie’s heart broke an inch away from him.

“It’s all a gift.”

Not to Eddie, it isn’t.

[thezenanna]

Your bridge started to burn when you ran all across it.

Patreon | prints | portfolio | commission | Buy Me a Coffee

story behind this weird erie looking illustration (if u dare)

I recently had a bad fallout with a fellow tattoo artist friend whom I treasured so deeply like a twin sister (she looked exactly like me). I think it's neat when you're surrounded by people who are good for you (i.e, people who respect your experience, supports your growth, but won't hesitate to call out what you can do better as well as learn from you).

But it sucked when the person I realized was good for me wasn't at all genuinely good for me.

She burned away every single bridges down to the last one which is me.

If you bump the brightness on your device to max, you can faintly see an eye lurking in the background. It was a drawing I did of her eyes.

She was and still an amazing artist. Her personality was fierce unlike my soft one. People kept mistaking us as twins everywhere we went. So we started bonding like sister. I've always longed for an older sister figure in my life. She thought that I was much better than her actual younger sister. We made a promise that if we ever did something the other didn't like, we would say it to each other's face instead of hiding it and risk it piling up til one day one of us couldn't take it anymore. She was caring and helpful to me. I've always been attentive and treated her with utmost affection (more than my actual brother even).

I could say as many admirable things about here as well as her flaws. I saw her flaws but I looked away, or at least tried to think the best of her, such as coming up with some reasonable explanation for her unreasonable actions sometimes. I was mentally justifying her problematic behaviours with other people in other words. The way she treated other people wasn't okay sometimes, and I would say something to made her feelings valid and kept my actual opinions to myself, while receiving a much different story from others. It was working until it wasn't. I didn't see it coming because I would never thought one day she would direct those problematic behaviors right back at me.

She is a narcissist. I won't go into details what exactly she did to me, but it was enough to tell me that she didn't treasure me as much as I did to her. Hells, she never really treasured me at all. I felt deeply betrayed. I'm the kind of person who wears their heart on their sleeves, so the whole thing left me devastated for weeks, even a bit now still.

My girlfriend and my other tattoo colleagues who actually care about me pointed out and analyzed how she was gaslighting me and using me. She literally had problem with each and everyone in the studio and now me, the person who has been the most affectionate to her. They didn't want to intervene because they respected my personal life choices. My tattoo mentor sort of predicted the whole thing for awhile as well. I still would like to believe that she did actually cared about me at one point but then it turned into something else selfish.

All that said, I didn't regret loving her like my twin sister. I would not change all the things I did for her. I'm a firmer believer in love and kindness are what make people even though it sucks that some doesn't think of them so. My mentor asked me if I was trying to to fix her when I was close to her. I said no, I never thought of her broken to begin with. I just felt like she was so alone and she seemed like she lacked a lot of love, so I was happy to give her.

She could have been the greatest, but shame she just had to go burn down all the bridges and pushed out everyone.

That being said, I still believe in love and kindness, and will open the doors happily for everyone who comes into my life, even if it means risking my heart.

I'm most proud of myself for not quitting art, for still getting up in the morning knowing that I lost a sister. Even when I wasn't producing any commercial illustrations that benefit my career, just drawing alone has been quite meditative in helping me process my feelings peacefully, as well as giving me something to do, keeping me away from moping in bed.

[chryblossomjjk]

bts fic recommendations | 01.17.23

→ hi friends! this is a little segment i do every tuesday (reviewsday get it, aren’t i funny, pls tell me how funny i am) where i read and review two-three fics. as a content creator, i know how big of a role other creators play in your growth, therefore, i want to do my part in making sure everyone gets the recognition they deserve! so with that being said, please check out the amazing fics listed below. make sure to like, reblog, and leave feedback! ♡ #reviewsday #kikirecs

motor head - @jeonjcngkook (jjk x reader | fwb, angst, smut, pwp)

summary: jungkook doesn’t like seeing someone else have your attention, so he decides he’s gonna do something about it.

feel like ive been here since the conception of this majesty?? like i was here for the horny discord chats n edits about motorcycle jk, therefore, it's only fair that i can gatekeeper him... mine. ALSO NOT U STARTING IT OFF W GETTING SANDWICHED BETWEEN MY BIAS N BIAS WRECKER?? THE DISRESPECT OF IT ALL!!!

^the feminism leaving my body when sav writes about jk manhandling oc n having her use his bike as a vibrator

^^me regaining the feminism when she whips a whole tape measure at him theme shits is HEAVY LMAO

also like... your brain w this fucking smut bro?!?! it's literally one of the hottest smuts ive read in a v v v long fucking time?? THE JUMPER CABLE HANDCUFFS LIKE GTFO??? SHAKESPEAREAN OF SMUT REALLY!! and i completely get where oc is coming from bc some of the things he said had me side eyeing like... repressed feelings maybe? but then is he just super possessive and his anger/hurt came from ego n not emotions... genuinely love when the characters are hard to read like thats everything. n she better fuck taehyung >:( BUT RUN DONT WALK TO READ THIS UGH IT WAS SO GOOD BBY LIKE NO WONDER SHE WAS DOING ROUNDS IN THE TAGS!!!!!!!

tales of broken hearts - @taegularities (kth x reader | ex2l, childhood sweethearts, fluff, angst, smut)

summary: when a work trip brings you back home, you don't expect for anyone to await your return or remember you. but despite the time apart, taehyung still does - still looks at you the same way he used to five winters ago.

rid, im not joking when i say this is everything i want in a fanfic. like ex2l always gets me, and you legit mastered it with this one. something about right person wrong time just does it for me. that opening line was so simple but so so so beautiful:

"Love doesn't bloom during frigid winters."

and your ability to fully write in the pov of the character that you've crafted is nutty. like on the outside, it seems like a simple thing to do, but ik from experience that it's really not. like the way you perfectly represented oc's bleakness in the beginning through the word choices, that only shifts when taehyung is being discussed, is a1 storytelling. and same with him, like even when things are falling apart, the metaphor compares oc to a star, n that's how he sees her despite the circumstances. IM EMOTIONAL!!!

and idk dude i think i feel so strongly about this piece bc i relate to this oc sooo much. like the way ur desire to get out of ur current situation bleeds into every aspect of ur life n ruins relationships n u end up even worse than u started off in a lot of ways- NOT THIS FIC BEING A WHOLE HIT PIECE RID LMAO >:(

they deserve eachother sm and oc deserves a happy easy love and THE ROUNDABOUT MOMENT IN THE END LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME I LOVE WHEN EVERYTHING TIES IN AND UGH I FUCKING CAN'T THIS WAS A MASTERPIECE LIKE I NEED TO SEE THIS ON FILM BBY THE BIG SCREEN!!!!!!!

posting this a lil early but who gaf :')

[good-vs-evo]

fenglian coded songs!

because i'm actually so ill about them </3 plus this gives flashbacks to those english assignments in high school where you'd choose songs based on a piece of literature and explain ur choices... wait u didnt. u didnt do that. uh. moving along.

time to expose my mildly terrible music taste HSDGFH

boy by isaac dunbar!

"if only we were right, seasoned with time" god. they were right person, wrong time vibes genuinely it makes me so insane to think about. i love hualian dearly, ofc, but fenglian has such a special place in my heart because just think about everything they shared and everything they did and everything feng xin sacrificed for xie lian that xl was too young and too hurt to see

"if i were homesick, you're remedy-wired / picking up herbs in the morning time / i'd wait for something more" hello? already heavy on the pining vibes, plus i love the fenglian "you are my home" vibes... sobs... fx would take care of xl to the end

tell her by bruno major!

just like. listen to it as a love letter from xl to fx...

"still she will come back around / nothing could shake her / repeat or replace her / i've finally figured that out", xl realizing how much he always needed fx, xl realizing that he was perfectly loyal but xl was too scared

"tell her she's more than i dreamed i would find / she's always there in the back of my mind / if you should see her, ask her if we'll work it out" fx was literally so perfect you don't understand dies loudly... and he definitely left a lasting impact on xl forever

leaving the last two lines for of the song as a surprise if you haven't heard it yet and you decided to give it a listen, i promise it'll be great :]

lover's rock by tv girl!

"because love can burn like a cigarette / and leave you with nothing" i have. no more to say. just. that's everything i have to say about this i could talk sm more but that's what i want to leave it at

dear my all by mingginyu!

this one's in korean, so allow me to be your terrible translator (genuinely my korean skills are so bad nobody ever taught me so let's see if i can cook) (alternatively, use google translate)

"you can tell me everything, all your secrets / i'll never hurt you again" xl to fx, telling him that he can lean on him and promising o be better this time <3

"you're allowed to rest, you've been running for so long / it's okay to blame the things that have hurt you" fx to xl, telling him that's entitled to peace and happiness after everything he's been through

i tried google translating some of this because i didn't know if mine made sense but aughhh i can't explain it but the translations on google are all... awkward? i can't tell if it's just the context of the way my family speaks korean and the way i've come to understand the use of certain words but either way i'll leave it at that SDHFGJSD

late again by peter manos!

"yesterday came and went / you are my closest friend / i'll never understand / don't want you to see me cry / even though i've seen you cry" they truly were. pretty good friends despite the way their relationship formed. they would've had a much better relationship if they weren't prince and servant but whatever that's still a trope HSDGF so we take that W. they both seem like they'd struggle a bit to be vulnerable with each other but slowly grow more comfortable and that makes me so soft

"i wanna tell you everything is alright / begging you to tell me everything is alright" this one makes me lose it. the first one gives xl vibes (wanting to tell fx that he's okay and he's sorry and things worked out okay) and the second is fx vibes (wanting to know that xl is okay, regretting leaving even though xl told him to leave, wanting to know he's safe)

untitled v.2 by cavetown!

i'm literally never gonna be free from cavetown getting associated with media i'm into am i

"i know my hands aren't warm enough to hold your cold, cold heart" fx feeling like a failure when it came to being able to save xl from The Horrors

"and i know my bones aren't strong enough to keep me from falling apart" both of them fr, they were going through it like crazy. they were constantly on the brink of collapse. someone send some help

"and did you know that every night i play your favourite songs on repeat? it helps me sleep" i think. when they were separated for so many years, they kept reminders of the other around with them. for a little bit of bittersweet comfort

back to you by flower face!

"don't fight back / don't look at me like that / don't forget I'll never quite forgive you / but i'll pretend to" okay but xl realistically thinks nobody will ever forgive him. he would eternally believe that fx holds things against him aughguhaguuhguh angst has me in a chokeholdd

"how will I release you now? / how can I forgive myself when I'm still in love with you?" yeah. pining and separted fenglian keeps me up at night can u tell lmao

"and it's always back to you again / always back to you, my friend" because it really is always back to them! time and time again it's back to them, the two of them together again in differently painful situations and it makes me die inside

i am a world class yapper, please forgive me </3 i also went hard on the angst i just i love my ships a lil angsty (<- writes fluff 80% of the time)

also i didn't forget abt the role jian lan played in fx's life during the time when xl was banished and struggling! this is just focused on only xl and fx's relationship during those times. besides, a lot of signs indicate that fx loved them both dearly, and it hurt a lot to lose them both.

[youremyheaven]

I fell in love with a ketuvian who has uttara bhadra sun+jupiter and rohini moon.. he also has 12th house placements. I can tell you he was like a perfect man for everyone, but also unnoticed. Handsome and yet away from public eye. Wise and yet indecisive at some point(?) but when he comes to a conclusion, he will follow through with his choice. I admired him so much even when he told me everything about his life. Our situationship only lasted for 3 months, and yet here I am 4 years later still wondering if whatever he felt for me was true. I’m not really asking for advise but i only wanted to share(unless hehe). I never blamed him for anything tho, he has his choices to make, there was so much burden being shouldered. If anyone of our babies here have any experience with the same placements i mentioned, i hope i could hear them too. Hi to our precious admin, if this is alright to share here thank you very much.

I hope our discord members share there experiences too if they may! ❤️

UBP Sun & Jupiter, Rohini Moon, Ketuvian with 12h placements

I think people with heavy 12h placements are kind of unforgettable. they have something to them that makes them sooo special. its a very heavy energy ngl, you can always tell that these people are going thru tough stuff but their 'darkness' or suffering makes them more alluring somehow? 12h or pisces rashi is commonly found in the charts of manyyy iconic celebs and sex symbols. the darkness and mystique makes them vv intriguing despite them being so elusive. they're so hard to reach and penetrate energetically but this is exactly why people go crazy for them. the less they try, the more they magnetize others.

Your guy has pisces rashi AND 12h placements, no wonder you feel this way

but that said, you said you doubt whether "whatever he felt for me was true" and i think that's very Moon + Ketu,, Ketuvians are so detached that one often wonders whether they care about u at all. Moon's nature is ever shifting, one day its waxing, next day its waning, this means Moon dominant individuals are very moody and change their mind about things frequently. if you ask them about xyz today they'll say one thing but ask them 2 weeks later and they'll say something entirely different. this can be vv confusing and disorienting for others. Moon is also linked to manipulation but since idk this person, I can't say he was like that.

but all in all, i think our attachment to certain individuals, esp those who are no longer part of our life, says more about us than them?? youre capable of intense feeling and empathy, thats why he still lingers in your mind. you think of him positively for the most part, you view him in a nuanced way but focus on his light, i think you're very loving and giving as a person. but sometimes we can be too loving.

romanticizing our experiences and our lives is wonderful but sometimes it prevents us from seeing situations and people for what they actually are. try to think about it objectively, was this guy actually as amazing? think about his behaviour in different instances? did he ever say things or do things that were 'off'? our memory is very partial so we often only remember what we want to, so its possible you now dont remember any of his 'bad' qualities but i think it will give you immense peace to let go of this connection. you can wish them well and try to forget them. our minds create their own experiences, the more you think about him and try to dissect him, the more you take away from a time that is already past.

be content with the memories but let everything else goo

just my 2 cents,, i hope i dont sound like im trying to tell u what 2 do or anything (even tho thats literally how ive worded things lmao)

others with similar experiences, how did ya'll cope?

[bettysupremacy]

Let me rant please;

I think this is unpopular but I literally love carol and Tommy, please let me explain.

Also please don’t attack me I am just a girl and I will cry. These are my opinions.

The duo= Tommy and Carol

They’re friends with Steve and everything is fine. Steve’s happy, the duos happy. I mean they literally share food in the cafeteria. That’s so adorable. They must have been friends for a good while. Then Nancy comes in. Nancy with her good grades, Nancy with the (sorry) definitely superiority complex, who never talks ill of someone, I’d be a little annoyed too. Who are you to come into my friend group and start calling us cliche ? girl I’m about to fight u.

They literally shit talk like normal teenagers I promise the world will be fine even though they talk behind peoples backs. At least it’s not to their face? idk LMFAO. A little gossip is healthy. Also Steve always seems to think what they say is funny until Nancy ruins it😒 (that was a joke please don’t hurt me)

Also it wasn’t tommy and carol who peer pressured their best friend into shotgunning a beer.. just saying.

I think everyone also started to think they were mean kids ( I mean kinda ) when they broke J’s shit, but they were so valid to do that. Like yeah they could’ve gone about it better, definitely less property destruction, but they’re 16 and they just found out (what they think is a) perv (sorry Jonathan) took photos of them partially undressed, and they just broke his camera. I’d have ruined his life!😭 if you took photos of me about to have sex with my boyfriend from my window I literally would have made sure you never got into a college, and I’m dead serious.

“I was looking for my brother” tell that to the police babe.

Also the thing about Steve getting upset with Nancy because she told the police or whatever. He doesn’t know the gravity of Barb missing like we the viewers or Nancy do. He’s a teenage boy with an abusive father who doesn’t want to get in trouble if the father finds out about him having friends over. No, he should not have told that to Nancy, but also he was valid in his feelings when he was scared for his dad to find out.

ALSO STEVE APOLOGIZING TO NANCY IM GONNA BE MANIC. “I panicked, I mean I was a total dick.” “Yeah, you were.” WHAT??????????😭 Steve may have panicked and broken the kids camera, yeah he should maybe think about apologizing for that (even though he really doesn’t need to because the kid used the camera to take photos of him naked), but he was NOT a dick for standing up for himself I’m gonna freak out. And Nancy not accepting his apology like she’s a saint in this situation? girl go to hell omfg.

And Nancy KNOWS what Jonathan did was wrong because she calls him out in the woods, oh lord.

I know someone’s gonna hate hearing me say it, but even though what Nancy did definitely was not cheating, it was most certainly disrespectful to Steve. Like here’s this boy that she knows he hates, here’s this boy that she knows definitely has some feelings for her (because he took photos of her naked while she was unaware?) and Steve comes over to apologize to his girlfriend (when he really has nothing to apologize for; besides the camera) and she blatantly lies to his face about where she’s gonna be! Like ok yeah she definitely couldn’t have told him she was going “monster hunting”, but she’s hiding the fact that she’s going to be with someone she knows her boyfriend doesn’t want her hanging around. 😭 I love Nancy tho, don’t come for season 3 or 4 Nancy I’m serious.

Another thing is when Steve and Jonathan got into that fight or whatever, they were being good friends to him ?!? honestly if I got into a fight like Steve, my best friend would have been shouting for me to kick his ass too, maybe even getting in because she can fight and I cannot, but that’s not the point. And when the cops came, they helped Steve escape. It’s just they had a poor choice of words at the gas station, but honestly their words were valid. And Tommy was a good boyfriend for defending Carol. Like, we as the viewers know Nancy didn’t cheat, and was deeply traumatized to be alone that night, but they don’t! They divulged in his delusions, let him drive to her house to check in on her, he caught her “cheating”, honestly the shit that I would have said if my bff’s boyfriend cheated on her? Hell no. Sign him up for the military, pop his tires, put mashed potato mix in his lawn before it rains, I would’ve done worse than the movie sign. But Steve cleans the sign cause he’s sweet and has better morals than me.

Honestly Steve is just plain better than me for saving J and Nancy cos if u had “cheated” on me and now intergalactic monsters r after u? have fun!!!<3 I am NOT saving your ass! And if he had listened to the duo, his heart wouldn’t have been broken 3 episodes later in season 2

In conclusion! Tommy and Carol weren’t assholes, they were teenagers, and that doesn’t make Nancy and Steve saints for seeing sense and growing up quicker. That also doesn’t make Steve and Nancy villains. None of these teens should be villainfied (is that a word ?) for being the way they are, because they’re teenagers who still have to grow and mature and some just do it quicker than others. Please stop attacking my best friends tommy and carol. They were just ride or die frl. This show is easily my favorite for the way they portray teens. It’s so incredibly accurate it hurts.

Nancy and Steve aren’t the villains but they could easily be painted to be. Tommy and carol aren’t the villains, but they could easily be painted to be. It’s point of view, which everyone has, and by that definition everyone is a little in the wrong, but that doesn’t make them world class villains and the others heroes. You’re literally the hero of your own story. I’m getting heated now I’m gonna post this ♡

Also I didn’t like barb don’t shoot me.

[heich0e]

liv…. i eat up your dialogue EVERY TIME like a crazy person.. if you post smth for someone i dont go here for, i read it just because 🤍 i 🤍 love 🤍 your 🤍 writing 🤍 but that being said……. i must know the details of the canonverse levi wip you posted. what did erwin do! what was levi and r’s relationship! how!!!!

if you're genuinely interested, i really don't mind telling u what the plot is because i will quite literally never post it. it was the first fic i ever wrote for any anime, and i hadn't even gotten very far into the actual show at the point of writing—so while some aspects are (tenuously) canon-compliant, there are also many very clear ways in which it is not.

so, to reduce that terrible levi x reader fic (it's so bad and i MEAN that!!) down to its barest bones, start to finish:

[WARNING: THERE IS AN ENTIRE FIC SUMMARIZED UNDER THIS READ MORE AND IT IS MULTIPLE THOUSANDS OF WORDS LONG. THEMES INCLUDE: DUBCON, CANON CHARACTER DEATH, VAGUELY MISOGYNISTIC TONES, AND EVERY SINGLE CRINGE-Y FANFIC CLICHE U CAN IMAGINE. BYE.]

at the point where the fic opens, reader is a young, low-ranking soldier in the survey corps on her way to mitras with levi and erwin to attend a small gala being hosted by a very wealthy family that they're petitioning (effectively wooing) to provide funding for the corps

the reason reader is asked to come along is because she comes from a very good family in mitras and is connected to the "high society" folk—though never explicitly stated, erwin very much intends to use her and her social graces as a sort of poster child and mouthpiece for the corps, in hopes that she can charm ppl and help them gain favour to accomplish their goal

all things considered, reader was very privileged growing up and had as comfortable/luxurious of a life as anyone (at least anyone in paradis) could possibly hope to have. her family is aristocracy/noble and comes from a long line of "wealth." her father is a doctor who consults with the military in a high ranking capacity—though he's never actively been a soldier, and it's largely just a cushy job where he doesn't do much actual grunt work, just gets consulted on things and sits on boards or whatever

reader graduated from school and enlisted in the military when she came of age—to the shock and horror of her family (especially her mother) and their noble peers. but she felt an impetus to do something with her life that wasn't just sit around docilely and look pretty until eventually her father handed her over to an advantageous husband and she went from daughter to wife and surely then eventually mother—while never actually having any agency or choice for herself

because reader was well-educated from childhood, she did well academically at the cadet academy, and because she grew up in a comfortable home she is physically very competent as well (though truthfully her skill as a soldier is often very OP and cringey to read back now... but it was my first fic! sue me!)

levi and reader don't interact much in the corps (as he's not her squad leader) but when they do they're constantly at odds—he thinks less of her as a result of her silver spoon upbringing, and while she doesn't dislike him, per se, she definitely resents his treatment of her

on the trip to mitras (alongside a very uncomfortable homecoming to her estranged family's home with two men who are effectively her bosses) they attend the gala/banquet and it's revealed that the family hosting it is the most wealthy in mitras (save for the royal family, though they're sort of unofficially considered the second-in-command) who reader is very familiar with—they have a son her age, and a few daughters slightly younger, who she grew up close to (i made all these characters up btw.... first fic liv was rly going wild)

the son from this family was always sort of sweet on reader growing up, and they have a vaguely romantic history in their teens (before reader enlisted.) reader very quickly surmises that she was brought along (or at the very least is able) to possibly sway the son in their favour, as the eldest and heir to this family's fortune, who would in turn convince the father to support the corps

the son (his name is adam btw. if anyone cares? lmao) is actually very sweet, and earnestly cares for her. he's just blinded by his own affluence to a lot of realities—like most extremely wealthy people are

reader is a good soldier and she's cunning, and she knows that what she's doing is ethically/morally questionable but in the interest of the greater good she goes along with some flirtation/manipulation for the cause

the story progresses and reader continues her work in the military, but the heir from this family is clearly infatuated with her and he (and his father/family by extension) begin implicating themselves more heavily with the military as an excuse to see her/spend time with her/etc though of course it's all under the guise of official business

so it's like the life she fled is bleeding into the one she built for herself, and it's stark juxtaposition becomes very clear in those instances where they overlap and she's forced to juggle them both

she just wants to be a soldier and do good. erwin is (in so many words) pressuring her to do her part and keep up the charade. levi is watching this all unfold from the wings and starts to feel some genuine sympathy for her

lots of very dramatic things happen, yadda yadda yadda. levi grows less hostile over time, and reader becomes closer to him. she's always respected him and that grows into something mutual. there's a lot of unspoken tension brewing between them

it's revealed that reader threw her cadet exam results so that she wouldn't be in the top of her class, and therefore couldn't become an MP and had to join either the garrison or the scouts. she did it intentionally (erwin knew and used this to his advantage) so that her family wouldn't be able to force her back to mitras. when levi realizes what erwin did/knew and how he used it to his own advantage it really upsets him, because he's basically pimping reader out for the betterment of the survey corps. this is the first time you really see levi get angry about the way she's being used (and you can infer in this moment that he maybe cares about her a bit)

more dramatic stuff happens!

the story culminates in the reveal that the son is planning to ask for reader's hand in marriage. her own family has already agreed. part of the financial agreement the powerful family has made with the survey corps is that reader will effectively be retired once she marries (and transferred to a clerical role with the MPs. desk work, basically. fake work, for all intents and purposes, because the position was made up just for her)

reader goes to erwin, understandably extremely distraught when she finds out, and begs him to stop it from happening. she doesn't really care about getting married, but she doesn't want to leave the scouts. he effectively (though not explicitly/in these particular words) implies that maybe if she fucks her "fiance" he'll be more open to compromise and let her stay in the corps

she does it, but unsurprisingly loverboy is not about to let the woman he's obsessed with (who he has now officially boned lmao) go back to risking her life every day in the military, and it's almost immediately revealed that her plan didn't work at all

(erwin pretty much knew the whole time it wasn't going to work. bastard.)

reader feels betrayed and helpless. she goes to levi the night before she's set to leave—who basically is like "uhhhh i told you so??" upon finding out what's happened—and they end up sleeping together anyway in a very emotionally fraught and vulnerable moment

she leaves the next day

a timeskip happens. turns out that the ENTIRETY of the wealthy family was killed in the attack in mitras (like between annie and eren's titans i think? don't remember what season that is. a lot of ppl get smooshed in a church. they were there.)

but reader had already been married into the family. she wasn't in the church and inherited the entirety of their wealth as the sole surviving family member.

she was also.... pregnant :) (of course she was! this fic hits every trope and bad fanfic cliche! maybe it's twins!)

levi is back in mitras years (??) later (listen.... i didn't know where the hell the canon storyline of this manga was going at the time so FORGIVE ME for the fact that obviously this is not canon compliant l m a o)

reader has become sort of a recluse since everything happened in mitras, but having inherited the wealth she's become a key figure politically and particularly with respect to the military because of her influence as a donor.

levi tracks her down to this surprisingly humble property on the outskirts of town.

there's a little boy playing in the yard. no more than four or five. he has dark hair and slate grey eyes. levi looks at this child and sees his mother's face.

the little boy speaks to him but levi is (understandably) very confused and disoriented. reader comes outside and is shocked to see levi there. like she's seeing a ghost.

reader tells the little boy to come to her and scoops him up in her arms, and she quietly reminds him (his name is Teddy btw... short for Theodore) that he's not supposed to talk to strangers.

and Teddy leans in real close and says "but mama... he has your wings" because Levi is wearing his survey corps uniform with the insignia on them. you've kept your own patch (a parting gift from erwin when he sold you off... how thoughtful) and treasure it.

all of which is to say that basically Levi is the kid's father, but because reader was already married when her pregnancy was discovered and the timeline still checked out—so no one ever questioned the paternity (especially because she was a WIDOW by the time she gave birth.)

teddy is now the "legitimate" heir to the entire fortune that was left by reader's husband/his family, but until he comes of age it's reader's to manage, so she can provide a safe home for him to grow up in—though notably removed from the society that she was raised in.

it's heavily implied (though not actually confessed) that reader and levi have been in love with each other for all these years, and there's a kind of optimism about what future is ahead for them now that their paths have crossed again. (present day canon-knowing liv is laughing at this part in particular.)

the end.

[messenger-of-stupidity]

NAH NAH NAH

Okay. Let's go through the thoughts of this latest update. There's a lot so buckle up buttercup.

1. Kravitas is literally so based. He's willing to spare Albus the suffering of long travel just because he's bored when typically he would enjoy Albus suffering.

2. Only Albus would risk insanity to spite a demon. Ever heard of cutting off your nose to spite your face, Albus? Seriously, these dude shot himself out of a fucking canon to stop Devlin from touching this hella cursed sword, but in typical Albus fashion when it's his safety and emotional welfare at stake common sense flies out the gods be damned window.

4. Is Kravitas really a demon or was his statement last episode about being more than that the truth that Albus just chose to call bullshit on?

5. Kerano, sweetie, if you don't like the sweater you don't gotta be nice to me and lie. Tis okay

6. Dad is back with his video of a casual demon attack. A normal Thursday. You'd think violence could slow enough for Faithful to get some groceries but I guess not.

7. AN ADULT TALK? EXCUSE ME? also yes now shoo child.

8. Guess I'll just go in a bunker and braid some hair or some shit. Whatever.

9. Don't you love it when the father figure of your child is so obsessed with transformers that he turns into a robot? (Yes I know he didn't turn into a robot. It just sounded kind of robotic in my head and it was funny.

10. What's the song called? It was kind of a vibe.

11. Oh my God we're raising a menace, thief, AND a liar. Where did we go wrong? 😭 Also can Faithful read minds? She was able to hear Kerano's mind about a key or something before Kerano had it, and was able to read the thoughts after that.

12. Move aside, Faithful is coming through like a badass. Hold the child

13. Oh neat. Both Albus and I have yelling voices in our head. 🥲

14. "I AM THE GREATEST GOOD YOURE EVER GONNA GET" - Faithful 2023

15. IS HE CUTTING OFF HIS HAND?! KERANO LOOK AWAY

16. Are... Are you seriously gonna make me choose between my two husbands right now? WHERES MY POLY OPTION? (Albus and Devlin in strictly familial relationship with each other. No condoning incest here)

-Branch-

Albus Route:

- yeah u tell him Devlin! How dare he try to reject us after saying it was our choice. Bitch

- UH I UH UHM ER

- daddy? Sorry. Daddy? Sorry. Daddy? Sorry

- HOW MANY ROUNDS? Albus let her BREATHE before you fuck her to death omg

- I thought we became a bio mom to half demon children. But nah turns out we became a slutty saint

- YOOOO another thing in common with Albus! We both don't like kids. For different reasons but the point still remains

- Awww. He misses Devlin.

- Kerano is wholesome but I ain't forgiving her for snatching that key

- wait does anyone remember when he said he wouldnt tap faithful with a ten foot pole? Does that mean he tapped her with an eleven foot pole to stay true to his word?

- Devlin Route -

- that's what your brother said to me in an alternate reality when I chose him too.

- Albus back with the orgies. My angsty brain McThinks it's some copium since that's his whole "nothing hurts me!" Mask

- "HES A ROCKIN SPACE AGE BACHELOR MAN" I hope he gets his dream of being a monsterfucker

- Faithful got that holy rizz sheeeeeeesh

- astrology 🥰

- wait nevermind. Just some brotherly love

- you can call me darling any day of the week baby. I am living for it.

- Awww starry kiss. 🥹

Update: I keep forgetting there's a high chance that GBA will see this... BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?! I STAND BY WHAT I SAID (/lh) 😤😤😤

Update #2: for those asking about the third route thoughts, that's a secret that I'm saving for a fic.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, Thank you for all the insightful posts . I am an INTP and the Issue I am having now Is I am born in a third world country in a small town not economically thriving . A non democratic country that doesn't teach you anything of substance , the elite kids go to the west and we the poor people have to study in rote memorization and passing the exam and before we know it the aha moment of how weak we are hit harder .

I dropped out from university in order to medicate myself from tuberculosis , and then I get cured , and the corona virus lock-down happened and then my father died and my aunt died . All have effected me deeply . The money I have saved for future interviews was wasted . And Now I am definitely in a Si loop , stuck and sometimes my mind and daydreaming sends me to dark places , wishing death upon myself , wanting to just end it , imagining myself being angry and hitting someone and hitting his face with my feet . I truly have become unhealthy and destructive . Feeling guilty , imagining how I could have done it better .

I constantly feel worthless and think how useless I am and how I wish I was never born because I am not going to be amounted to anything ever . The home situation is unhealthy , I have always been belittled , made feel worthless , insinuated to feel bad about myself . I remember since I was a kid , never felt loved or cared for , just been reminded how odd , slow , in my head , and not going to be as much as good as whom ever they compare me with .

I have an unhealthy ESFJ mother who can't be reasoned with . Explosive , hot temper , not logical or cares about clear communication . Her and my sister are truly insecure . I will Explain a scenario , we are in a bad economical situations , my brother triggered her , she started lashing out on everyone , cursing and insulting how useless we are without hearing or having a communication . I left to my room till they stop , because I can't handle this anger and drama where we can fix them if we think through things but she doesn't want to think or communicate . She confuses communication with complaining because for her communication is only a vehicle to use to release her hostile feelings and passive aggressiveness .

When I come back , she said why did I run to my room . I said I can't handle screams and this chaotic production of words . She said , you should and they started her and my sister : ISFJ , speaking at the same time , like literally at the same time . I asked them one by one , she said No why not listen to us both at the same time . Like what a hell is this . Here you notice and many patterns I have that they don't care about fixing the problem , they don't care about reasonably indulging members of the family to a conclusion , they want to release the tension . My mother specifically wants to release her hostile emotions , she wants us to feel belittled , useless , tell us how she is the only one who thinks about this issue and how useless we are and she thinks this is parenting , she thinks this is leadership.

Now I know since my father died who was an ISFJ , He was our only economical support and he was dutiful and doing his best to get me into a position where I can take the family but even he had issues with her , she swallowed him through her drama , passive aggressiveness , and her hostile attitude , belittling him too and comparing his lack of privilege to others who had far more advantage as if he had a choice in the cards he was given . Since this economical shortage only enraged her and made something to complain about and our household was not of kindness and mercy , I subtracted my needs since way back but my brother still takes from her money and she gives him and she comes back to complain and ruins the household .

The reason I brought my father is I feel bad for not doing anything for him and what a shame that he had no one to help him . He really deserved better and needed more care and love and I always felt unable to do anything when he had cancer . He apologized for me as if he felt bad for not doing enough for me . My friend . I really think and have evidence that my mother and family are unhealthy . I live in illiterate religious area , how do you think Fe and Si expression would be ? -- They don't care about reason , just any high status man who has money or is religious or looks religious matter and his opinion is far better and I , could speak for years and no one would care .

I think she is unsafe and unhappy and her hypergamic instinct produces this passive aggressive tests because she thinks by belittling us , we are going to somehow be motivated to provide and replace my father . She doesn't understand how the Ukraine|Russian war affected us , how our government changed policies to hire more females , she doesn't understand that I can't just get a job , it's all difficult in this competitive environment and I just have lost 3 years where tuberculosis , Corona virus lock-down , death of my father and the shock and depression this made me feel and let alone her training me to feel worthless isn't going to make me more optimistic individual because I can't even film myself speaking in a content creation out of fear and being self conscious of my voice nor dreaming of being able to be loved and desired by any female in romantic relationships to get out of this toxic voice in my head that hammers me and find some refuge in lovely partner .

I know I am unhealthy too - -- I read your study guides and my functions are all unhealthy and I could release the anger and hit someone or could not be able to contain myself and verbally defend myself if I get triggered . I am still studying to find a way to improve and optimally express all my functions but please with the contexts I have provided . How can you help me find answers to this following questions :

How can I remove this worthlessness and feeling I am useless from my mind and how I perceive myself ?

How can I trust that I would be able to get a job in this country and town ? I have limited skills like English and my native language because of time that was wasted ? [ I am planning to use the 4 Hour work week principle that prioritizes Te and Ni for effectiveness , working on skills to learn , 20/80 Analysis , low information diet , delegation and automation , and creating a product to sell to liberate myself from traditional 9 to 5 ] - I don't work in 9 to 5 Jobs . I Don't have any job now .

How can I deal with this toxic mother and her hostile attitude and her inability to be satisfied ? .

How I can heal the wounds that this mother infected me with since I speak to myself a lot and I get lost in my thoughts and she notices and doesn't try to understand , she tries to insult and belittles and laughs at me as if i am some crazy dude . It's the only place I feel safe and I have no friends and my mother doesn't talk to me except to release her tension , so I opt to my head and this had negative affects because my thoughts swallow me and I become self absorbed and any one notices I am speaking to myself and lost it . I do that because I am unhealthy , broke , unemployed , no job , and no healthy environment to drive me and give me help .

Do You think since I am unhealthy , I would waste time reading and consuming information about the study guide as some unhealthy coping mechanism and I should better opt to just exercise a few Ne Activities to drive myself out of my self and subjective narrative and my family and explore few experiments rather than read every detail and wait till I finish to exercise my functions ? Like see how Ne world is good and come back to reflect .

-----------------------

1. "Feelings" of worthlessness or uselessness are simply judgments (about yourself). In order for judgments to be sound, one must arrive at the conclusions properly, through logic and reason. This is the basis of having good critical thinking skills.

For instance, you say you "fell behind" in career goals due to physical illness. Was the illness intentionally caused by you or was it under your control? If not, should you hold yourself responsible for the consequences of being ill? Are you going to call every physically ill person in the world worthless/useless because, through no fault of their own, they have diminished capacity to achieve their goals? If so, I see no difference between you and your mother when it comes to the way you harshly and unfairly judge people.

Are you exercising good critical thinking when you make a judgment or draw a conclusion? If not, you need to improve upon it, in order for Ti to regain control over your cognition. You must have a reliable process of scrutinizing and validating your belief system, otherwise, on what basis are you going to make good decisions for yourself? When Ti is absent, Fe grip will keep haunting you.

2. Trusting the world comes with Ne development. It means venturing out into the world. It means trying and experimenting and seeing what happens. It means going to wherever the opportunities are. It means thinking of ways to make the best use of what you have. It means turning the negative into a net positive.

In other words, Ne is an extraverted function that requires initiative, ingenuity, and action. Ne is not about your predictions of the future; it's about making things happen. You can always find something good to express gratitude for. You can always find a silver lining in a negative situation. You can always visualize potential for change and improvement. But the key is to have an attitude of openness that keeps your eyes and ears attuned to opportunity. Are you nurturing Ne openness in yourself, or are you quick to reject ideas because they are "imperfect"? Whether things are perfect or imperfect is missing the point. The point is that things can be changed as long as you're willing to put in the work to change them.

3. The answer is boundaries. I've already written about the difficulty of drawing healthy boundaries in family relationships, especially parent-child relationships, consult past posts. Because there is so much history and, in some cases, so much bad blood between family members, it's easy to get stuck in negative patterns of behavior, and very difficult to change them even when you want to. Old habits are hard to break.

I always say that an essential aspect of growing up is learning how to view your parents as human beings rather than treating them as mere symbols of your personal ego drama. Was your father a "saint"? Is your mother a "villain"? These are symbols that reveal the flaws and biases of your perception. In the end, your parents are simply people. Every person is multifaceted. If you only ever see one aspect of someone, your eyes need adjustment.

Put yourself in your mother's shoes. Your mother also lives in the bleak sociopolitical environment you live in, with few economic opportunities. She has also experienced disappointments and heartbreaks. She has also had her hopes and dreams dashed. You share a lot more in common with her than you believe. To be clear, this is not meant to be an excuse for her negative behavior but, rather, a call for you to exercise empathy.

When you get a deeper understanding of why people behave as they do, you will be less inclined to blame and more inclined to maintain healthy relationship boundaries. The key to dealing with toxic people is to maintain proper emotional distance from them, rather than getting entangled with them and constantly embroiled in their dramas. To have healthy relationships in general, you must i) know the difference between "my business" and "not my business", and ii) stop involving yourself in things that aren't your business.

Her issues and problems are hers, so don't take them on as yours. It's not your responsibility to satisfy her demands. It's not your responsibility to live up to her expectations of you. Your only responsibility, in moral terms, is simply to be a good person. This raises an important question of whether you understand what it means to be "good". Do you have your own ideas about it or do you default to what your family taught you, since your judgments about yourself closely echo your mother's judgments about you?

Do you know what intergenerational trauma is? It's when families transmit the negative effects of unresolved hurt, pain, suffering, abuse, and trauma from one generation to the next. You are now consumed by pain and anger, not unlike your mom, so are you going to unwittingly transmit it to everyone you come into contact with? Or are you going to be the one to stop the cycle of trauma by taking responsibility for your pain and suffering? By seeking help, you're proving that you care enough to change the situation. I understand that your options are limited for healing your pain and trauma, so I will focus mainly on what you can do on your own.

4. With regard to Anger: If you don't want to end up like your mother, hurting everyone around her, then you have to confront the pain, you have to soothe the anger properly, and you have to challenge yourself to do things differently. This is achieved through Ne. Envision your better self and be it. Envision a better life and live it. Envision more possibilities and bring good ideas to life. By training your mind to be focused on always building something better, there is little space remaining for things like anger and blame.

I completely agree that your family environment is incredibly toxic. However, I cannot agree with blame. Blame is a mental trap. It is an immature and illusory way to feel strong and powerful. It only leaves you worse off physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. For all the sound and fury that blame entails, at the end of the day, you remain in pain because you've trapped yourself in perpetual victimhood. Without adequate health and well-being, will you have the mental energy you require for improving yourself and your life?

You can't have it both ways; you can't feed the negative aspects of your psyche and still hope to get back in touch with the positive aspects of yourself. Is the anger worth sacrificing your health and well-being for? Are you attached to the anger because you like the self-righteousness or because you want revenge? If so, you are choosing the negative over the positive, and you must take full responsibility for that choice. If you don't like it, choose differently.

With regard to Despair: When you feel angry, it means that something is broken and requires fixing. In this case, the relationship is broken and your boundaries have been violated. Like any reasonable person, you hope it can be fixed and the love salvaged. However, when confronted with the impossibility of fixing the relationship, despair follows.

Many people get held back and held down by despair because it can feel like a safer emotion than hope. Why? Despair is predictable in that you can maintain the status quo of known pain, whereas hope opens you up to new and accumulative hurt and disappointment through trying and failing again and again. As soon as sinking into despair seems like the better option to you, you are stuck deep in Si loop.

A person with good emotional intelligence doesn't succumb to emotions, rather, they take time to understand them and use them wisely. By putting despair in the right perspective, it can become an incredibly powerful emotion. Despair indicates you've suffered great loss and feel hopeless. However, in order to feel the loss, you must've placed great value on something to begin with. From this perspective, despair can open your eyes to what is most precious and valuable in your life. For example, despair over family conflict reveals how much you value your family, and despair about your career reveals how much you value your future self. When you know what you value most, it's easier to make good decisions for your well-being.

Despair is meant to teach you how to let go of the things you've lost. Oftentimes, people suffer because they are too attached to the things that bring them pain. Being unable to give up the attachment, they must bear the pain as a consequence. Logically, if you don't want the pain of despair, you must let go of the attachments that bring you despair.

Some people might misinterpret "letting go" as license to "detach" from the world and live on a metaphorical island, abandoning all the things they don't like. Quite the contrary. These people have failed the first test of emotional intelligence because they believe that their emotions are caused by external factors, so they try to cut out those factors.

The fact is that your feelings and emotions belong to you. They are generated by you, therefore, it is up to you to either answer them or change them. Your feelings are closely tied to your beliefs about the world, the way you think about things, and the way you judge things. When I say that you need to "let go", it means you have to change the way you think, give up old ideas, so that your beliefs better line up with your new reality. When you let go of mental attachments that distort your view of reality, you become much more capable of participating in reality. You will no longer feel bound and trapped by your own imagined expectations of how the world "should" be.

Career Example: Have you heard the saying "The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry"? No matter how well you plan things, unexpected accidents or misfortunes still happen. While it's good to have plans and look forward to achieving goals, it's not good to be so single-minded that you are incapable of adapting to change. When plans go awry, you are encountering a crossroads and have to make a decision about which way to go. Do you try to keep going with the same plan? Do you tweak and adjust the plan to better suit the change of circumstances? Do you abandon the old plan and come up with a new one? These are all possible strategies.

Family example: Do you understand that a toxic relationship dynamic requires two people to keep it going? Both you and your mother are attached to ideal images of how the other "should" be. By imposing these images upon each other, you are both failing to respect each other, you are both violating the boundary that should exist between you as separate and independent individuals, and you are both hurting each other with harsh judgments and criticisms. While you might keep your judgments and criticisms to yourself more than she does, their very existence represents something negative within you that wants to lash out and be violent. She most likely inherited that violence from her family growing up and she has now transmitted it to you, which means it is now yours to deal with. All of us have inherited some negative things from family. It's part of your personal journey of growth to become aware of them and change them.

To a certain extent, you "allow" your mother to hurt you because you love her. If she were anyone else, you probably would've abandoned them long ago for such nasty behavior, or you wouldn't even be bothered by their criticism. Your mother's behavior brings you pain because you want her approval and love. However, if you were to drop your attachment to what you believe she "should" be (e.g. a loving, nurturing, motherly saint), you may suddenly find yourself capable of seeing the reality of what she is. When you take time to see and understand people more objectively (i.e. practice empathy), you won't take their behavior so personally. The reality is that her behavior isn't directed at you. Her behavior is an expression of her own pain and suffering, directed at her own failures and dashed hopes. But you take it personally because she's failing to meet your expectations of her, and then you fashion her into a villain. Think more reasonably: If you believe you ought to have the freedom to be you, you also have to grant others the freedom to be who they are.

The takeaway point is that the way through despair is to let go of the attachments that bring you pain. It could be attachment to an idealized image of how people/you "should" be, an ideal concept of "meaning", or an ideal path that you have set for your life. Ideals are mere mental constructs, so they can be changed at will. You defined them, so you can "undefine" them and redefine them. Attachments that lead you to deny reality are like a black hole in your mind, sucking up all your mental energy. By letting them go, your mind becomes truly free for something new. But you have to be brave enough to leave the known behind and venture into the unknown with fresh eyes, open mind, and different choices -> Ne.

5. I don't consider it my place to tell people how to live their life. You need to learn how to exercise your best judgment, which means ensuring that your process of making decisions is fair, impartial, objective and well-informed. In terms of your mental health, it's a good idea for you to get out of the home as much as possible, away from your mother's abuse. Try to find safer spaces to explore your ideas and possibilities. Try to engage in activities, interests, or hobbies that bring you some relief, even joy. Try to make friends with people who can bring you comfort or help you out of your situation.