#i can never forgive myself for the damage I've done to someone i truly care about.

[benevolentslut]

when you read back over a conversation and realise you handled it fucking terribly

[vex-cti]

I lost my best friend in 2019, and I haven't been the same since. The reason it happened was all my own fault, I had become psychologically abusive and manipulative, it hit a point she had enough. It was necessary, I had to stop. For the first time in, maybe, my entire life, had I felt I had fallen so low I needed to reconsider who I was and what the fuck was I doing and why.

Turned out I had huge ego problems and temperament issues that I never knew how to handle and that was the main source. I tried apologizing to my friend, and for a while, she accepted it, and I was determined to change for the better and not fall into my previous pitfalls.

But perhaps I didn't deserve that second chance: she decided that no, the damage was already done, things just couldn't go back. It was time to end things for good.

You can't repair a broken glass.

A couple of years later I found out she had written about me: apparently she wiped out any positive memory she had and just wished me the worse.

Again, I cannot blame her.

I've struggled with friendships and relationships since: I had a different friend who also decided she had enough, after one of my outbursts of anger. I was not given another chance this time... to be fair, she was extremely dismissive of others' emotions, never even gave me a chance to talk things out. I was really trying this time, but I let the emotions carry me again.

So any time I make new relationships I'm always trying to restrain a lot, emotionally, maybe that's for good, but also makes me feel somewhat detached.

Or maybe I've matured, I don't know, it's been long since I've had an outburst or hurt someone, I guess that's good.

But part of me always fears losing someone again, and that if I let my emotions show themselves too much it will only ruin things. Even if they're not the negative, harmful kind.

I sometimes still see myself as the monster that hurt his own friend out of jealousy when she did not deserve at all on top of all of the shit she had to deal with.

I remember it began with a sense of protection, which became possesiveness... what a fool I was.

I've talked to a friend about it and she says the only way for me to move on is to stop shitting myself and forgive.

I don't know if I can forgive it, but I think it's been long enough to just not let go of it.

It's hard to let go of something you're guilty of and the consequence is permanent, it feels undeserved. But I have no other choice if I truly wish to be someone better.

She may wish me hell: but I don't.

I may not see you ever again, and that's for good, I know you don't want to.

I just want you to be happy, wherever you go, whenever you end up in. Find whatever fulls you and enjoy your life as you really deserved. I'm sorry I was not the friend you needed, I am really sorry for all the pain I caused, and I am aware apologies cannot mend that.

I'll never stop working on becoming someone better, I'll never forget the things I did and I'll never pretend I was innocent. I will carry that weight with me. I don't need to see you again. I do cherish our good memories together, and I hope you continue to make good memories with whoever you cross paths with on your life. I don't care if you wish me hell. I will never want that for you.

Four years already, feels like yesterday when I felt the stab. The realization of what I had done, the desperate attempt at fixing things, the anxiety, the crying.. and yet I know I've grown since then and I got a lot more to grow too.

It won't be the last time I remember this, hell I know this to be true. But if this is the last time I write about it directly, maybe it's appropiate to say: Goodbye.

[free--therapy]

Overcoming Guilt & Shame

It's important to note that by overcoming shame and guilt, it doesn't mean that we are letting ourselves get away with something that we truly know and believe to be wrong. The point of overcoming it is making sure that we take accountability, responsibility, and coming to terms with what made us feel this way in the first place. There are 5 steps we can take to help us overcome our shame and guilt: assessing the severity of our actions, weighing our personal accountability, atoning for any harm we caused, breaking the silence of our incurred shame, and finally self-forgiveness.

It's suggested that only 1 or 2 of these steps are necessary in helping us overcome guilt, however when it comes to dealing with shame, it's best to try all 5 steps:

1. Assessing the Severity of Our Actions

It doesn't matter how big or small the action is that we feel bad about, we can still feel guilty regardless. It could be as simple as ignoring your mother's phone call to answer your best friend's call, or calling in sick to work when you don't feel like going in, and so on. Our evaluation of how serious our actions or thoughts are depends on our values and rules that we create for ourselves. It'll always be subjective and what we may feel guilty about, another person won't feel guilty in the same situation. If we often feeling guilty or ashamed, it means that we are either living our lives in a way that ends up defying and violating our own values and principles, or we may be judging ourselves too seriously on things that aren't as serious as we may believe. How can we assess how serious our actions are? Consider the following:

Do other people think this is as serious as I do? How come?

Would there be anyone else consider it less serious? How come?

How serious would I consider this to be if my friend did it instead of myself?

How important will this situation seem in a month from now? 1 year? 5 years?

Would I consider it to be serious if someone did the same thing to me?

Was I aware of the consequences or meaning of my actions/thoughts? Based on that, are my current judgments applicable?

Did I cause any damage? If I did, can I still make things right? If yes, how long would it take to do so?

Is there a more worse action I could have taken and didn't?

2. Weighing Personal Accountability

Weighing how much of what we have done and our perception of the wrongdoing is up to us now to take care of. To do this, we must evaluate the situation we're feeling guilt or shame about by starting to consider everyone and every aspect involved in the situation, including ourselves. "Aspects" or factors can be something like alcohol being involved, owing someone money/debt, the time of day (late at night where people are tired), or knowing that the certain people involved in our situation may have experienced abuse in their life as well. Anything that may have relative responsibility to the situation. Create a list, whether on paper or in the mind, and assign values to how big of a responsibility they may have in the particular situation.

Example: Having an angry outburst at a spouse for complaining about not paying bills on time. People responsible for my angry outburst: - myself: 60% - looming debts: 20% - spouse: 12% - 11pm at night: 8%

Compiling a list like this won't entirely help to eliminate guilt however, because there are situations where we should still feel guilty for doing something wrong. That guilt will help us to make amendments and atone for what we have done, but we can manage it in a way where it becomes something productive as opposed to it being another thing we turn on ourselves as a way to self-sabotage (shame). Making these sorts of lists will help us to realize that not everything is entirely our fault in situations where we feel guilty, which can help us feel a lot less guilty at the end of the day.

3. Atoning for Harm We Caused

When we're feeling guilt as a result for causing harm to others, it's important that we make sure we make amends for what we have done. Doing so can have a very important impact in healing ourselves and the relationship(s) we may have ruined. Atoning for our actions involves recognizing what we did and having the courage to face the person we hurt, asking for their forgiveness, and figuring out what we can do to make things right.

Here are some questions we can consider when trying to figure out how we can atone for what we have done:

Who did I hurt?

What did I do that was hurtful?

This is why it was wrong (the values I violated):

This is what I can do to make amends:

This is what I can tell the person I hurt: I recognize that when I (behavior/action) ____________, this hurt you. It was wrong because ___________. I'm sorry that I did that to you. What I want to do is _______ to show you how truly sorry I am. I hope that you can forgive me with time.

We have to remember that even though we may ask for forgiveness, the other person is under no obligation to grant us it and we have to be okay with that. The whole point of asking for forgiveness and trying to make amends is to help us feel better about the guilt that we have, especially when we're truly sorry.

4. Breaking the Silence of Incurred Shame/Guilt

Because shame has to do with having to keep things secretive, it helps for us to talk to someone we trust about what happened. We usually keep these things secret because we believe that if anyone ever finds out, we'll be criticized, condemned, or rejected for it. By telling someone, we may be surprised to find acceptance and this response ends up forcing ourselves to reassess the meaning of the secret that we hold onto. But how do we find someone we can trust when we have trust issues? We have to find someone that we believe we can share our secret in confidence, whether it be a friend, a coworker, or a mental health professional. Holding onto the shame will only increase the impact it has on us. More likely than not, a lot of people are more understanding that we have been led to believe. A lot of people have likely had similar experiences as us and know how to handle it, or they know people who may have been through things and have their an understanding of what we're going through. We all assume we're alone in our suffering and shame, but more likely than not, we are more alike in experiences, and even if we don't have the same experiences as other, we are eager to listen and learn, and offer advice. Not everyone is going to react the way we think.

5. Self-Forgiveness

Part of being a human is making mistakes. Perfection is merely just a concept that will never be attainable, but so many stress over to achieve. All of us at some point in our lives have done things that we told ourselves that we would never do, or violate the morals and values we hold. This is something that we all do and sometimes we may consider ourselves as "bad" people because of them, but violations don't necessarily mean that. Sometimes our actions may have been linked to a certain situation or time in our lives and can change as we progress in life.

When we come to realize this and how we are all susceptible to being imperfect, it's a lot easier to forgive others, including ourselves. Self-forgiveness will help us to alleviate a lot of our shame and guilt. It can lead us to a change in our perspective and interpretation of the mistake we made. We learn to become a lot more compassionate kind towards ourselves as we begin to understand that we may have made said mistakes during a time where we didn't care how we behaved, as opposed to believing we are "bad" people.

Self-forgiveness, just like forgiving someone else, doesn't mean that we are approving, forgetting, or even denying the pain that we have caused to other people. It involves recognizing that we are imperfect, we make mistakes, and that we can accept our shortcomings and the consequences of our actions. We have to be okay with acknowledging and recognizing that we have both good and negative qualities, and that we also have strengths and weaknesses.

Here's how we can begin to work towards self-forgiveness:

What do I need to forgive myself for?

What impact did my actions have on myself on others?

How will it continue to affect me and others?

How do I imagine my life will be better if I can forgive myself?

Forgiveness begins with understanding. What life experiences have I had that might have contributed to what I did?

What would I think about someone else who did the same thing?

What are some positive aspects about myself that I usually ignore when I'm feeling guilty or ashamed?

In a compassionate and kind voice, how can I forgive myself for what I've done?

What are some qualities that I have that can help me to move forward?

Adapted from Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger, Ph.d & Christine Padesky, Ph.d.

[geminidarksidehasawoken]

Unbreak Me

Who do I run to?

@ao719 @blznbaby @iplaydrake @drakesensworld @dcbbw @hopefulmoonobject @furiousherringoperatortoad @ladyangel70 @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore @sashatrr @candy72008 @angi15h

"Hana, Drake?" I called with disbelief evident in my voice. The shocked look on their faces told me everything I needed to know... They were lying to me and that hurt, it hurt because I trusted myself to be free, to be broken and vulnerable with them. They knew everything about me, they knew my fears my dreams. They knew me... But it was obvious I didn't know them...

All those little things I knew I saw but they denied it, the longing looks, the way Hana just glowed when Drake caught her eye. The way she laughed for him, they lied about that.

They kept this from me, why?

"How long?" I asked, clearing my throat.

"Riley, let me explain" Drake called hiding his naked form while he dressed clearly caught between Hana and I.

I hold up my hand, not wanting to hear it, not now. "You should have trusted me enough to share this with me" I say, hating that my voice was thick with emotion.

I look over at Hana, her eyes pleading with me, pleading with me to understand, but I couldn't, I couldn't get past the fact that they never trusted me. "We never meant to hurt you" she said, and I knew it was the truth, no one ever meant for these things to happen, but they still did.

Drake stood before me, and I could tell from the way he was looking at me that he really didn't mean for this to happen, that they never meant to hide this from me.

If I was honest, I wasn't angry that they were sleeping together, I was hurt that they found love and felt they had to hide it from me. Drake promised me no secrets, open and honest...

"Drake this is insane, you can't marry me for the sake of stability, for the sake of keeping Liam's child safe" I said as we walked up the steps to the courthouse second guessing the solution we had found.

"White, you will need someone, and I will be that someone, because I know that if the roles were reversed, Liam would ensure that the woman I loved was okay, this child is the heir to a kingdom it is my duty to keep them safe... Unless you changed your mind and want to tell Liam about the baby" he knew I could not there was too much at stake, his whole reputation would be damaged as they all would know the king had an affair while being engaged to another, the scandal would ruin him and our baby would be subject to such ridicule, I couldn't put them through that, but more than anything I was scared of the Queen taking my child... Her only thought to protect the Crown, I respected her for it and hated her in the same instance

"Just promise me, we'll always be honest with each other, no secrets" I say like a scared little girl.

Twisting off the ring, I laid it in his hands "You broke your promise" I whisper, walking away.

I drove for hours declining their calls, I couldn't cry, but that didn't stop the pain. After driving for hours in circles, it was time to pick up Leanna. I stopped for a moment needing to process, and I knew the affair didn't bother me it was the secret that did, I understood that he had needs that I couldn't satisfy. I gather my thoughts and headed for the palace.

***Liam***

Sabrina and Leanna got along great, Leanna always seeming to want to protect her. They sit at the poolside drinking juices while I read the paper. "...My mom and dad are pretty awesome... Daddy is goofy, mom is the stern one"

"My mom was like that too, she was all about my lessons and doing my best and being the an example for other children"

"I'm sorry, what happened to her" she asked and I could hear the genuine concern in Leanna voice.

"She died, in a car crash... along with Bastien, he was my best friend, he would play with me"

Leanna pulls her into an hug and my eyes mist with tears and I watch her give her something. "We'll be leaving in a few days, keep it to remember me, you can always find a friend in me"

"But it's so beautiful"

"Mom said my father gave it to her, it was a declaration of their love for each other. Mom gave it to me for inspiration and because I just loved it, and it has inspired me, so I'm giving this to you so that you know you always have a friend in me"

"Thank you... Come on, let's go swing" Sabrina says and the too rush off to play. This was her third visit to the palace, and I've watched them get closer, they were good for each other, and I wondered what arrangement could be made once they left for her to visit.

I liked that she pushed Sabrina to talk about her mother, talking about her made me sad, guilt gnawed at me and I can't help but wonder if I had been more focussed on her instead of always judging her to Riley if she would still be here, and then maybe I would have met my son.

A freak accident claimed her life because I was feeling torn and angry at her for forcing us to attend a ball when Sabrina was ill. We'd fought about it and in the end she had opted to visit on my behalf and I was left behind with Sabrina, she never made it to Fydelia, and the baby was just too young to survive, yet I mourned him too.

"Hey, where's Leanna?" Her voice calls and I look to see her standing in the doorway a pained expression on her face. Before I can ask the question she waves it away and answers.

"I'm fine, please let her know I am ready" she whispers and I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong.

"Riley, come here" I call and she comes and sits by me like a small child.

"I just want to go home" she whispers.

Her phone rings again and she ends it and turns it off.

"I'd love to go for a walk, would that interest you?" I ask her and she looks around and I know she needs to be strong, she's always been two strong.

"Alright" she responds and together we walk the grounds in silence until we get to the stable. She loved these majestic beasts, they calmed her as she softly petted and fed him.

"Riley, you can talk to me you" I whisper and she shakes her head.

"I can't trust you." She says and those words hit me, they get under my skin, they hurt. Knowing that she honestly didn't trust me.

I force away the feeling, and smile still.

"Why are you here, and don't tell me to pick up Leanna" I say and she walks out. "Why do you always run?" I demand as we stop to feed to ducks on the pond.

She turns her back to me, throwing food the ducks that the care taker gave us. "I'm sorry" she whispers and its under her breath I almost missed it. "It's been a hard few weeks, losing Bernard and Savannah was a blow, I don't think the reality has hit me yet" she says as we sit on a secluded bench beneath the apple tree.

"I'm truly sorry for your loss, I know that Bertrand cared for you deeply"

"Yes he's the only man in my life that was ever truly honest, he was like a father to me" she says and I pull her into my side and she comes willingly, but a tad bit awkward.

"Hey, I know he felt the same way, he barely spoke two words to me in public, after you" I clear my throat "he was a great man, I'm sure he would be honoured to hear you think of him this way."

I clasp her small hands in mine and kiss it, realizing she isn't wearing her ring. " Is everything okay with you and Drake"

"My marriage is over... I just don't know how to tell Leanna" she whispers and there is just a note of sadness in her voice.

"I'm sorry" I hear myself say and I'm surprised to see it's the truth. "Do you want to... talk about it?"

"It won't change the out come... He won't let you go you know" and she pulls away from me and stands.

"Why not? You did" she answers, and I can feel her anger rising, the pain from all those years ago threatening to rise. Her words cutting through me, because I didn't let her go, I still haven't let her go.

We walk back to the palace in silence and Leanna hugs me and her mom together. "Could I spend the night, please mommy" she begs her eyes pleading with her to say yes.

"I need to talk to your father first, but I will let you know." She says and she's off again.

We walk to my office and we close the door behind us. "You can make your call from my phone, I have a few documents that need signing." I let her know handing her the cordless phone.

"Hey it's me... Drake not now... Leanna wants to spend the night... I...I don't know... No... You didn't need to be afraid, you should have trusted me!" Says harshly and ends the call letting out a pent up breath.

"Leanna has our permission to stay, but I need to run to the boutique and get her a few necessities" she says grabbing her bag to run out.

"It's okay, I can get that done for you, how about you join us for dinner?" I ask hopeful, while we weren't back to being friend it was amazing spending time with her.

"I'm not sure that's a go-"

"Please, and you can change in the guest room on our wing"

*Riley*

I felt torn, as I read the messages from Hana and Drake.

"White, I'm sorry I didn't trust you with Hana, but I was afraid of what that would mean for my relationship with Leanna"

White please pick up the phone we are worried.

Riley, I hope you can forgive me

Unable to deal with this now, I just send a message 'I will be spending the night at the palace with Leanna' and turn back off the phone.

Liam had a garment bag delivered with a simple black dress and personal items for our stay. I'm zipping up when I hear the knock on the door, and I open it to find Olivia. Just great! "May I come in?"

She asks as I open the door, I allow her in and she helps me up into my dress. "You look amazing"

"Thanks... Are you okay?"

"No I most certainly am not!" She says her eyes welling up with tears, and I'm shocked because the Olivia I knew was fearless never shed a tear. "I just found out I am pregnant, and I'm terrified of telling Maxwell" she whispers wiping her eyes... Ahh the hormones.

I'm shocked! Olivia is confiding in me, it's a welcome change from always at each others throat. But then her words sink in..."Wait you and Maxwell!" I say unable to hide the shock in my voice.

"Why did I come to you for advice?" She grumbles flopping down on the bed. I sit beside her and hold her hand.

"Admit it, Livy, you missed me"

"Shut up, and tell me what I should do? I am Duchess I cannot have a child out of wedlock and Maxwell is Maxwell, I have no clue how he will react! Do you see Maxwell as the responsible type?" She rambles on and on clearly distraught.

She stands and starts to pace. "Relax Liv, take a deep breath, this is Maxwell... He understands what this will mean, you just need to tell him and not threaten to kill him" she chuckles, and sits again laying her head on my shoulder.

"Tell him and go from there" I say and she composes herself.

"Why didn't you tell Liam?" She asks cleaning up her face. My heart hammers at her question, and there are no words.

"What do you mean?" I say playing dumb.

"Riley, I lived in this very palace with him as a child, the resemblance is uncanny" I open my mouth to respond but no words come out.

"I won't tell him, not because he doesn't deserve to know, but because I can't watch him hurt again"

I close my eyes. "Liv, " she waves away and continues

"It was me, I told him to move on, because our kingdom needed their king, he didn't let you go, I know that's why you never told him" she whispers softly and I can't dislodge the lump in my throat. I unconsciously shake my head not wanting to hear.

"This changes nothing" I say, feeling that all too familiar sting behind my eyes.

"I... I... Want you to know it wasn't him."

"I can't do this right now"

"He'd gotten thin, he couldn't focus, he was hurting, hurting too much, blaming himself and missing you. People began to speculate, so I told him, it was two late for you two and he should move on" she says and I watch the tears roll down her face.

"Liv, I was broken long before he moved on... A piece of me died the day he married her" I say, shushing her so she knew this wasn't about her. "Fuck! Love has the power to destroy you... What if Maxwell decides he doesn't want- oh gosh" I pull her into me and I let her cry, knowing this wasn't Olivia but the hormones working on over drive. After a moment of sobbing she pulls herself together and cleans her face.

"If you tell anyone about what happened here, I will destroy -"

"Liv! You were always safe with me, "I say shaking her before she could continue with her threat to end my life.

"Sorry! I think since my parents died, this is the hardest I've ever cried" she says trying to explain and make sense of the pain and fear she is feeling.

"I know"

She stands and straightens herself, fixing her lipstick. "I did miss you" she says and slips out the door.

Fluffing out my hair I applied a little gloss to my lips and headed down the stairs. Liam and the girls were seated at the table in a very riveting discussion as no-one heard my entrance. "...my dad will need to start courting ladies again by the end of the season as a king can't rule for so long unmarried" Sabrina tells her, with a sad smile on her lips.

"But that makes no sense, isn't he king, what if he isn't ready?"

Sabrina laughs "Father has to put the kingdom first, there are too many people relying on him." She says

"Ladies, my plight isn't one you two need to worry about, " and he stands seeing me as I walk into the room, just a little too nervous. His eyes roving the length of my body.

"You look amazing " he says his voice deep and husky making me feel a rumble in my tummy.

Dinner was a lively affair with the girls, there was such a vast difference in the way they grew up. Where Leanna was outspoken and caring, Sabrina was shy yet kind. They chatted none stop, always including us, asking us about the days gone by. After dessert the nanny came and escorted the girls to their chamber for bedtime while we stayed enjoying wine. We walk out onto the balcony with the remainder of wine and glasses. "I hope not to offend but you look absolutely stunning" he says and he's too close, his hands touching my hands. I pour myself another glass of wine and sip, and we talk about our children, and its so easy to talk to him. We catch up on the nobles I had rubbed elbows with during the social season and the engagement tour.

We spent the time on the balcony, just relaxing in silence and he pulls me into him. "Liam, there is something I need to tell you" I whisper my heart thundering in my chest. Knowing that he should know the truth. "And I will tell you once I speak with Drake" I say knowing after all we have been through together he deserved to be there so he could tell his side of the story so he would understand why we did what we did.

He brushes a finger across my cheek and it causes goosebumps to flood me, he always did this to me, without intent he sets my soul on fire... Still. He pulls me up, "let me get you inside before I lose all sense of reason and restraint" he whispers his voice deep and filled with need.

He pulls me to my feet and I'm not sure if it's the wine, but I tumble into him, and it feels... It feels divine, his strong arms holding me keeping me from falling, I'm pressed too tight against him its hard to breathe. He lifts my chin and I look into his eyes moved by the pain and longing I saw there. He let's out a strangled cry and sweeps me into his arms, never taking his eyes off me. I'm scared because I know tonight if he kisses me I won't stop him. He stands me in my room, and unzips my dress, then ruffles the bed and lays me beneath the covers like a child. My eyes are drifting close as he whispers "I've never stopped loving you, and you are wrong, I never let you go... I can't" a soft kiss touches my forehead and I float into nothingness.

I

[mynarcissticex]

I wrote this letter today to my NEX. I want to send it to him so badly, but I'm several weeks NC today, and I just want to stay strong. But THIS is how I truly feel...

To Matt the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with -

To begin, let me say that I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's for me, I suppose, as I have so many feelings and emotions bottled up that I feel like I may explode so much truth unravelled lately and I feel disappointed with you because I ignored all those red flags... This week marks my 9 weeks of therapy, and I know that I've been advised to have absolutely "no contact," but I feel like I'm not being true to myself. Or, maybe, it is a lack of self-respect and self-love, and I still have work to do. I truly don't know.

I've never before experienced a soul trauma, despite the abuse I suffered as a child and my ex husband but that was physical never emotional and financial as it was with you I could get over that so easily, I've never in my life been spoken to and treated so horribly as you did to me. It's hard to accept that the person who I loved so much and was loyal to didn't love me at all. When it was "good," it felt so very real. A total mind fuck is what it was. It poured fuel on the fire of every single insecurity I held deep within - my stomach, aging, my fear of abandonment, never being worthy of love, etc. - and it burned what was left of my heart until it no longer felt like insecurities, it became my truth.

I've tried to hate you. God KNOWS I've tried. Yet the empath in me still forgives you. I know the things you've suffered. I know that your head is mixed up with those awful disorders in a way that I can never possibly understand. I know I TRIED to understand. However, despite what any of us have been through, we do have responsibility for our actions. We make choices. To hurt someone and not apologize is a decision. One that we have to live with everyday. You’re a narcissist and very complexed, I know that all of this means nothing to you. You can't feel emotions the way that I do. You can't feel love for someone like I do. You can't reciprocate the love that you're given. If anything, I feel sorry for you, as that must be an awful way to live.

Granted, the reassurance I so desperately needed from you for so long probably made you think I was weak. A poor, wounded soul, and in a lot of ways, I was. I'm a fixer - of situations and people. A giver and I gave you my ALL for 5.5 years whilst battling another nightmare I fought hard to get out of to make you happy but when I told you in the end you ran away like you never knew me at all rather than save me and protect me you just didn’t care, The trauma bond you created for me caused me to run after you for years even when I felt like I was losing you I didn’t want to be alone but you made me feel alone I was nothing to you but a meal ticket. All The times that you gave me the silent treatment, left without fighting for me, and the nights crying myself to sleep and you didn’t care. You felt like I wasn't respecting your space, and I felt like I was trying to save what was left of US. I'm not apologetic for that, because I did love you, and I truly thought you were worth fighting for ONCE, but I do regret all the time that I wasted. It made you angrier and me sadder. Because you proclaimed I was your soul mate but it was all part of your plan to get what you wanted.

I definitely wasn't perfect. The turmoil of being your "Soulmate and bunny" brought out the worst in me as well. I've forgiven myself, though, as it was just me - a kind heart reacting to a very unkind situation. I was loyal to you and expected the same. It was gut-wrenching to know that the person I loved still had a Tinder account "just in case" and would leave me silently with no warning and to be with her without any remorse, and although I forgave you for breaking my heart and gave you another chance it reaffirmed why I shouldn’t of. I never, ever cheated.. I only ever spoke to my male friend after we had declared that we were done...again. I then realised the reason you could never trust me is because you couldn’t be trusted and you projected that on to me throughout our relationship to cover up your wrongdoings. This is a letter I won't ever even send to you. It kills me that you don't care enough to wonder about me, and I can't pretend to understand that, but what I can do is accept it for what it is. It’s been 6 months but I’ll never be over the violation you did to me last year it sickens me.

At first, I wanted karma to really give you back everything you dished out, but that negativity and thought process was eating me alive. Now, because we are not the same, I simply pray for you. I pray that you're able to become the man I thought you were someday. While it breaks my heart - or what's left of it - to think you might be better to someone else one day, I hope you are. I hope you're motivated to overcome your demons to receive the love that every human being deserves. I hope whoever it is loves you as much as I did. I hope you love them the way that I loved you - flaws and all. I wish you happiness, and I seek the same. But you have to get help first and so much of it even though I don’t think you can be helped you live in denial and aren’t accountable for your abusive ways to anyone.

I can never forget the damage done to me by staying with you for aslong as I did, but I forgive you...for me. You don't deserve that forgiveness but for my own sanity I grant it in order to move forward.

I hate that we didn't work out I fought so hard to fix you and save you but you only wanted my money and you proved that in the end, but I learned valuable lessons from it all, and I now understand that you were meant to be a part of my journey regardless. It's all part of My greater plan for my life. You’ve taught me to now educate people in narcissism in a hope I can save another person from the hell you put me through I was lucky to survive all I did with you... and I now live to tell my story.

I hope you get the therapy you really need and the medication instead of battling your demons. You can’t love anything unless there’s something in it for you and you can’t fill your void with money, drugs, women or motorbikes. And one day you will thank me for never putting you in prison for your crimes to me. You were lucky because I didn’t want to put myself through that again with another man. Instead I gave you the chance to get the long awaited help you really are in desperate need of.

Sincerely,

The Woman You Lost the woman you said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and you would never hurt but you did and pillaged my life.

[rcknfw]

https://weheartit.com/articles/321272613-to-my-dearest-friend-who-i-hurt-terribly-and-miss-so-badly?

Hi there. We've spent so much time together, yet I don't know how should I start this letter to you. I am still heartbroken now, but that doesn't matter I don't think back to the days and night we spent together, laughing and enjoying each other's company, just being ourselves and having a great time in general. Every now and then it just crosses my mind and all I get to feel is disgust for the things that I've done to you.

I'm sure you are something great and wonderful on this earth, you've been so good to me, forgave me every time I made a mistake, you've been there for me every single time, no matter how bad I hurt you or how wrong I was about the decisions I made. You have been there when things went wrong, you went through hell for me, I made you do that. Yet no matter how much pain I brought to your life you have always been there for me, you've always stayed. You have treated me like I was made of gold, like there was nothing greater than me in this world even when I let you down, even when I acted completely silly and childish ; and that says a lot about you. You accepted my flaws and you always came back, no matter how we argued and that's something very rare nowadays. Your friendship has painted glorious colors in my life and it has lifted me higher, made me see the world in a different way, it has changed me, helped me grow, it was definitely a blessing.

You may think that letting you go was something easy for me to do, or that I didn't even think about it when it happened, and I don't want to lie. That is somehow true, because when you left, I was, already, so heartbroken that I completely refused to think about it and decided to ignore it. You know I've lost two amazing persons I had in my life and it was awful, devastating for me so I was just in denial. I remember we tried to say goodbye to each other more than one time but when it actually happened, it really hurt. It was awful to see you leaving me at that time in my life, as I was still struggling to live, to cope with the great loss of a very loved and meaningful person I had in my life back then. Yet I cannot blame you for leaving me because I know at that time it was bringing you more pain than happiness seeing me in that state .

I don't think you're told how wonderful you are enough. You have so many things that distinguish you from the others, it is so cruel that you don't see that. I think most people use to take you for granted, you are much more than you actually think you are. There's no one like you. Not a single soul out of the eight billions on this earth are as tightly bound to mine as yours used to be. It's crazy how we used to share things and create wonderful memories together. You've been a great person to me, so kind, caring and patient with me, you always returned to me even when I pushed you away, and you never truly left, you always stayed there and dealt with my bullshit. I genuinely think people around you don't appreciate you enough for who you are and what you are doing for them . I know the last time we spoke your life wasn't as exciting and great as I'd want it to be, I remember a lot of shit was happening to you, yet I couldn't do anything to fix that, no matter how much I wish I could've. I truly hope that everything's fine in your life at the moment. I know you are going to meet someone else, eventually and you are going to be doing great with them. You will shine brighter than you ever did with me, while I was still in your life and I am sure of that . You've been a gift from God for me, but so much has happened and I couldn't deal with everything. I regret losing you so much but somehow I've come to realize that you had to leave because you definitely deserve so much more than I have to offer. I do believe you will meet someone else and find happiness once more.

Indeed, I never planned to let you go but unfortunately it seems that I am not the one for you.

What I would like you to understand now is that I didn’t mean to hurt you in any concrete form of the word. I am deeply sorry for the way things turned out to be, I am sorry it was impossible for us to stay friends, I am sorry I couldn't keep such a precious person in my life, I am sorry for the way I have treated you, I am sorry for falling so badly for someone that wasn't you. Never in a million years, in any condition you deserved what I have done to you and now, when I think about it, it just brings disgust and antipathy to my life. I can't bear the thought of what I did to you and how I treated such a gentle soul. Sometimes, I do hate myself and I think that I deserved losing the one I fell for so deeply. Sometimes I believe it was karma I think the worst part about words though, is that you can’t shove them back onto your mouth and down into your throat. The way it ended between us was unpredictable yet so inevitable. You are a good person and I’m sorry that there was ever a time when I did not let you live up to that standard.

I've been such a cruel woman to you, yet I acted like a kid, no one deserves to feel what I've made you feel like. You have been so kind and gentle with me, but I acted literally like the most heartless human there is, you never deserved what I did to you, and I deeply regret the moment I came back into your life and made you leave everyone for me.

There are so many reasons why I should stay out of your life now, and that's why no matter how much I will miss you, or how strong my feelings for you will be, I will never return to you considering how much pain and sorrow I bring to your life. I wish I had the right words to tell you how horrible I still feel about everything that has happened between us, but the feelings are so overwhelming that it makes me feel like I will never find the right words to describe it.

I made mistakes that were beyond stupid, I should've told you I was falling for someone else..I know that you think back to the things I've done and it makes you hate me now, I am aware of the damage that has been done but I want you to take into consideration the fact that I was damaged as well.I just want to say I'm sincerely sorry for putting you through so much shit.I thought about what I've done and it's made me miserable for the past couple of months, I just want you to know that I still do care about you and I'm not as careless as I seem. I’ve been terribly wrong to be so inconsiderate and act the way I have. It's been so hard to but all my feelings into words but I hope this will be the last time I will write or reach to you.

Finally, I am wishing you the best and I pray and believe you'll get it because you're such a fascinating person who loves so deeply and with so much passion. You have been an amazing person and I will never be able to put into words how grateful I am that once I've met you and there was a time when I had your love and friendship. Yet I took you for granted and you didn't deserve it, at all. All I've got to say in the end is that it was worth it and that over time, you will heal. Your constant tears and sadness will eventually evolve back into smiles and laughter, and please believe me when I say this, because it is not poetry. I am sure you already realized that your life does indeed move on with or without me in it. You love and you lose, but it's always for the better. It takes a lot of time to find the value in pain, but once you do, you will realize that the impact that a love has on your life will last forever.

You may have come into my life for what only felt like seconds, but you left a mark that will undoubtedly last a lifetime. I was not made for you, and how I wish you could forgive me that I couldn't lie to you, I couldn't act like everything was right when it wasn't. There was a wall between compassionate and passionate love, there was a difference between what I felt for you and what I felt for him . He hasn't stayed that much time in my life, he hasn't been there when things went wrong in my life but still I did love him with passion and that passion is never going to die. On the other hand. you did all the things he didn't. I had more time to spend with you than with him and you proved me that you're a great friend and lover and whoever gets to have you will be a very lucky person. Please understand that I will always respect you and you will always have a bit of my heart, but I couldn't have lied to you and told you I've loved you as I've loved him. These are two different types of love, yet it doesn't mean I'll ever stop caring about you.

So for that, I thank you. I wish you had stayed. but I do understand that it was meant to be this way. I thank you for teaching me so many valuable lessons, for helping me see the world in a different and better way; for appreciating the littlest things in life and for never taking things for granted again. I wish you all the best. So please, hear me out, for the last time in a lifetime: always embrace your feelings and love with all your heart, body, all your existence. Love with all your soul and mind, no matter how much it'll hurt in the end. I don't think I will ever understand the way you loved me but I am sure that it was strong and deep and beautiful. Please never try to get rid of the feelings and emotions you have in your heart, acknowledge them. Loving so deeply is what makes the one so special, pure and worthy of appreciation and respect; I strongly believe this is what makes us beautiful and passionate. I can assure you, if it'll end, you'll say to yourself "for this type of love, friendship and experiences, life is worth living" . Life is made for these beautiful, great, lovely yet very painful experiences. Love with all your soul and mind ! Your beauty will grow with the passing years as you let yourself see the charm and elegance in things, people, fall for them, and love so deeply. Always forgive and be full of passion. Please never forget the things we've done, the days and nights we spent together, the experiences we both shared and the memories we created.

And so though you may not always be in my life, it is a fact of life that most people won’t be. But to the ones who come and go, it is the ones who leave a part of them with you that matter. The ones who come and go, but also choose to allow a piece of their heart to stay forever.

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone. Passion will meet love and and it will bring you to your most vulnerable state, yet it will make you feel the strongest you've ever been. You don't have to search for it, passion will find you, open your heart."