#i cannot and yall should be aware that it takes a lot of work to balance being 'authentic' and staying mostly unharassed on this site

[officialgleamstar]

MNMOMS??? 👀👀👀👀👀

hmmmm I’d like to know more about the relationship between the moms and their kids maybe? if you havent answered that already?

oh or anything about the relationship between any of the moms

really just anything about mnmoms, im obsessed GSHSHSHGSHEH

HIII LEX!! oogh. relationships between the moms and their kids... i think ive mostly only talked about morgan and nick/nicholas, on tumblr at least, so i can definitely get more into that :D

morgan and nick... well-trod ground. morgan is severely paranoid and over-protective of nick, while nick is severely clingy but also has to pick a fight with everything she say, etc etc. i havent spoken as much about morgan's relationship with nicholas i dont think beyond establishing that she loves him and that hes a total mama's boy gbhjfdhjbj so i can talk about that!! though shes more well-managed by the time he is present, morgan is still very protective of nicholas, helped by the fact that he is the most high-strung kid on the planet. hes very jumpy whenever jodie isnt around, seeing him as his main source of safety, and hes also like... pretty aware of morgan's conflicted feelings on him? nicholas is exactly what morgan always wanted nick to be, well-behaved and careful, and it just makes her so much more aware of everything she lost. nicholas knows he is loved, and morgan does love nicholas, but hes also very aware of... well, his mom is different to him now, too. he can understand that he is just as foreign to her, hes a smart kid. they love each other very much, and honestly, morgan's relationship with nicholas is a lot healthier than it was with nick, but theyre both overly aware of the elephant in the room.

carol and grant probably have the most consistently positive mother/son relationship throughout the entirety of mnmoms, besides mercedes and lark at least! however, this... isnt for good reasons LMAO. pre-forgotten realms, carol generally wasnt home much, preferring to work herself to death at her office job. so grant literally prefers her to darryl just because she was never the one around to get mad at, she was never trying to talk to him, he didnt have to worry about helping her with chores because she didnt do housework, etc. they love each other very much, but once they get to the forgotten realms, carol becomes very aware that she cannot remember the last time she had a proper conversation with her son. just, no comprehension of whats going on in his life at the moment. its BAD, yall, but the two never really question their love for each other, which cant be said for all the kids. ive talked about this before, but they do have a plot of bonding over their sexuality journeys, carol works really harden to soften her sharp edges for her son and to be more present in his life, and they come out of the forgotten realms in a much better place than they went in! (though, take this with a grain of salt, because its definitely the same way that darryl and grant came out better in canon. this does not mean that they werent both traumatized LOL)

samantha and terry junior... start off the worst, for sure :') i have talked about their relationship before but it was part of a longer ramble about sammy, so i will reiterate it here! samantha has a bad habit of going therapy mode on terry junior and he is very aware of it. she is of the opinion that she should not put her emotions on her son at all, because she is his mother and thats not his responsibility (which actually stems a lot from samantha's relationship with her own mom but i think im gonna get into that more for isadora's ask--). however, terry takes her facade of calm as her being utterly in denial about terry senior dying at all, and he cant understand why she wont even show that shes upset. this already puts their relationship in a tenuous space over a few years, and when samantha starts dating and then marries ron, terry's trust in her is. utterly obliterated. at the end of their time in the forgotten realms, like with ron, they arguably have the best relationship though! samantha learns how to show her emotions without having terry junior feel obligated to help her and does her best to be more vulnerable with him in general, and terry junior learns how to accept that his mom is allowed to have a life beyond his biological dad. they make me so fjhbghjbghj <3333

and okay. right. finally. haunted expression. mercedes and the twins.

firstly, mercedes and lark. consistently a good relationship! they have the typical oak-garcia issue of lark running all over her, not really treating her as an authority figure, but its obvious that he absolutely adores her and that she adores him in turn. this is helped by the fact that mercedes is definitely the "fun" parent - glenn parallels, lol - so she has even less control over the twins than henry did, mostly because she never thinks to exert any. still, even though lark and sparrow are absolute agents of chaos, they love their mom and lark never stops loving their mom. by the end of their journey, he's a little more distant from mercedes out of guilt, mostly. lark is still the one to stab henry in this au without any of the deep rooted rogue card anger to validate it for himself, and he has a very hard time looking either of his parents in the eye afterwards. however, he also considers them both his main source of comfort, and tends to trail them quietly around the house when hes upset.

mercedes and sparrow. haunted expression intensifies. "Is there anything as undoing as a daughter?" sorry for quoting arcane but LITERALLY MERCEDES QUOTE OF ALL TIME. it starts... the same as mercedes and lark: no sense of authority, but very positive emotions! sparrow is not out as transfem at the beginning of their journey, its still something she is working out throughout their time in the forgotten realms (she very much has a moment of like... "i'm in a new place where nobody knows me, so i'm going to pretend to be a girl and see how many people are fooled! that's a very normal thing for boys to do!" and lark plays along lol), and a lot of their time pre-rogue card is dedicated to that! mercedes and sparrow bond a lot as sparrow warms up to the idea of coming out as trans, and mercedes. well. mercedes already knew before going into the realms and has been reading a million different pamphlets and consulting advice columns and talking to morgan on how to perfectly handle this situation LOL. so their relationship is kind of perfect, actually, and they are doing really really well until the deck of many things comes into play :')

post deck of many things, sparrow is... very openly Not A Fan Of Mercedes. she is still the upbeat positive lovewolf twin in this (though i think she more wants to generally be a witch than a lovewolf, since her mama's a bard and not a druid!), so it is even more obvious when sparrow suddenly is not giving mercedes the time of day. sparrow is utterly convinced that she is destined for greater things in a very negative way, and blames her discovery of this on mercedes getting them stuck in the forgotten realms. she also, similar to lark in canon, blames the moms as a whole for the fact that walter was hurt and sees them widely as useless. mercedes, for her part, does everything she can to redeem herself to sparrow, and is endlessly frustrated by the fact that nothing she does works. post-forgotten realms, they argue pretty relentlessly, sparrow locks herself in her room and screams herself hoarse, mercedes storms out into the back garden and cries until she gets a migraine, and henry takes lark out for ice cream-- despite this, sparrow does still seek out a lot of comfort from mercedes, and she has a habit of casually finding herself, at night, in wolf form and curled up at the foot of her parents' bed. strange and so weird how she ends up specifically sprawled out across her mom's feet at least once a week, if not fully laying between her parents. crazy. what a coincidence. shes a fully independent child with no need for comfort for sure though

[kirabethstar]

jujutsu kaisen 151, on what maki said

alright ive been forced to come back to this hell site to make this post because i cannot take this maki top energy slander

i want to talk about this panel here, which specifically i’ve seen these two variations of translations from (left is VIZ and right is TCB scans):

while both of these translations are technically correct, the original japanese  says “抱いてやるよ” (daite yaru yo)

抱く (daku) technically means to hug, and it’s conjugated w/ やる (yaru) which means that the action is being done as a favor for someone. another way to conjugate this verb for a similar meaning is あげる (ageru), but yaru is less polite and more condescending (especially in this context). the tone of the sentence is very 上から目線 (“from a high perspective”), meaning that maki is definitely talking down (quite strongly) on naoya; and i think this does come through from both of the english translations pictured above.

but now the part that drove jp twt crazy. 

while 抱く(daku) does technically mean hug/embrace/hold, it can also be understood in a sexual way: specifically, to top (i swear i am not making this up LOL) 抱く(daku) means you are topping, and 抱かれる (dakareru) means you are bottoming — so essentially what maki is saying can also be interpreted as  “i’ll top you (as a favor)”

now, i know this initially seems really out of place in english, but it actually makes a lot of sense given the history of their relationship and naoya’s personality in particular. we all know that naoya has been sexist af and spewing nonsense like women should always walk 3 steps behind men etc. so in some way, reverting that typical male/female dynamic is actually a really great taunt — it’s VERY insulting to naoya’s fragile masculinity lol some ppl have even gone as far as to guess that perhaps its a line that naoya/others have said to maki before (maybe under the context that she has no value except to serve men — but ofc this is all just speculation), and now maki is throwing it back right at him to, quite literally, establish dominance. bottom line is that I don’t think she meant it literally but the reversal of dynamic that the line implies seems pretty obvious and makes a lot of sense as a double meaning addition to the line.

i also saw some of jp twt talking about comparisons with this panel from the manga “kenya kagyou” (disclaimer: i’ve never read this manga; akutami gege references other works in jjk all the time so ppl were guessing this was the manga being referenced here). one character used the exact same form of “shiranui-gata” in sumo and he said “dakishimete yaru,” which usually means “hug tightly”; but here the play on words is instead on the verb “shimeru,” which can also mean to strangle.

anyways, i guess what i’m trying to say is akutami gege could’ve kept this line/used similar variations of it to convey the same “i will hug you (threatening),” but instead chose to use “daite yaru yo.” this specific combination of words really is quite often sexual (i think a good comparison for the degree of sexual connotation is the phrase “netflix and chill” — where yes, it could also mean actually only netflix and chill, but most ppl, even if they dont mean it, are at least aware of the sexual connotation). gege has a history of playing with double meanings a lot (stuff like sukuna’s “魅せてみろ” or “去ね”), so do what you will with that info lol sumo is also a sport in which women are traditionally banned from competing in, so maki taking on this pose w/ the line fits well with the subverting gender roles theme that’s going on as a big “screw you” at naoya 

in conclusion akutami gege said maki tops yall

[euphonism]

On sex differences and why they matter

Ok yall, I work out A LOT. I’ve been on my shit almost daily for the past ten years. I am jacked. Shredded, even. My muscles have muscles. I cannot wear dresses with sleeves because my arms straight up cannot fit in them. If you punched my stomach, you’d break your hand.

But with all that, I am stilI weaker than men. I know that I will never be able to lift as much as the guys in the weight room. In fact, it would probably only take a scrawny man six months of training to conpletely surpass my strength levels. I am accutely aware that the average man on the street could probably whoop my ass. The only way to fix this would be steroids.

Therefore, it annoys me to see people who have never even racked a dumbell argue that there are no real differences between males and females. It’s easy to say that everyone should just play on the same sports teams and compete for the same titles when the only thing you use your male/female body for is trying to find a comfortable position in your computer chair. Find someone of the opposite sex, and then give both of you six months to train for a powerlifting competition. See what happens.

I swear, some people make my jock ass want to give them an atomic wedgie and shove them in a locker

[diamondcitydarlin]

I am just...honestly fascinated by this sudden ‘change of heart’ with Guillermo tho in regards to being a familiar and becoming a vampire, there’s a lot going on there and a lot to unpack, and I’m hoping somewhere in the depths of what is about to be a long, directionless rant I’ll find the clarity I haven’t seemed to quite grasp yet. 

ALSO I’M SORRY THIS IS A LOOONG ASS POST BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO PUT IT UNDER A READ MORE AND SUBJECT INNOCENTS TO MY BLOG LOL, BUT I’VE TAGGED ACCORDINGLY 

So, I already made a post about ‘Collaboration’ and some of the interesting subtext we get within that episode. Mainly, that this episode is an interesting one for Guillermo because he finally gets what appears to be and should be (at least at first) the opportunity he’s always been waiting for. To this point, across seasons, Guillermo has driven home that his one and only aspiration in life, the reason he tolerates an endless, shitty position, is because he hopes to become a vampire. He’s wanted it since he was a kid. IF HE CAN’T BECOME A VAMPIRE, WHAT HAS THIS ALL BEEN ABOUT?? 

If it was as simple as just wanting to become a vampire by any means necessary, leaving Nandor for this golden opportunity should have been as easy as taking off an ill-fitting pair of shoes...but it wasn’t that, was it? When Nandor pretended to shuck him off as if it didn’t matter, Guillermo got angry and sad in equal measure and only really brightened again when Nandor came back and promised to do better by him. Not necessarily set down a concrete timeline for the ‘becoming a vampire’ thing though, but Guillermo didn’t seem to care about that all that much anyway. Interesting. 

Now we’re able to see a version of things in which Guillermo is being treated better as a familiar, but rather than this development improving his mood he seems all the more aware of the fact now that...maybe he doesn’t even want to be a vampire anymore. Maybe he’s wasting his time here. Maybe he needs to swim towards open waters, so to speak. 

Very similar to Nandor, Guillermo, I think, is not really aware or fully accepting of the inner workings of his own mind. He strikes me as a character that does a lot in the way of burying the truths of himself so far down, he even convinces himself that part of who he is doesn’t really exist- even when it does, and drives a lot of his actions. The show plays to this by only ‘showing’ us concretely how much Guillermo wants us to know, with only small hints and nods to other things going on. That fits and rings true to the norm for a mockumentary style of filming/writing, in that the audience has to rely on a lot of subtle cues from the subjects to figure out what’s ‘really going on’ with a character or plot line; the ‘camera’ in a mockumentary style piece is as much of a visceral, present character as anyone else in the cast and is treated accordingly (but then, like 99.99999% of human beings have seen the entirety of The Office and Parks and Rec, so yall know this already) 

I think part of the way to figuring this all out is to ask why Guillermo wanted to be a vampire in the first place. His answer to this would probably be something along the lines of ‘because they’re cool’ which, you know, valid. That would be a fitting and satisfying answer if, say, I had given it because there was a time when I was about 4-6 years old that I, too, decided I would grow up to be a vampire. Because it was ‘cool’ and aspiring to anything else seemed boring. Again, valid. For someone who has dedicated pretty much ALL of his adult life to apprenticing into vampirism based on a childhood dream that never died? THAT begs a bit more of an in depth reason, I think, to which for now we can only guess. 

I’ll try to make an educated one based on what I believe is going on here, that Guillermo himself is either not aware of or not ready to share with the cameras: I believe his drive to want to become a vampire, given it was based in childhood flights of fancy (and probably some Guillermo-self insert/Armand fanfics, let’s be hONEST) was rooted in a need to feel respected and powerful, at the heart of things. When we first meet Guillermo, and for much of season 1, we see that he’s quiet, subservient, meek, and we learn briefly about how he was bullied in school. I think Guillermo was raised to be this way and use silence/subservience as his only defense mechanism, which may also go a long way to explaining why he’s so reserved. For 10 years, I think it was enough for him to tell himself that everything would be better for him once he became a vampire, he’d have all the things he never had as a human. Respect. Appreciation. Power. Control over his own life.

That said, things have changed quite a bit for Guillermo since season one. While learning that he had Van Helsing blood came as an unpleasant shock, embracing and exploring that side of himself proved that he’s actually kind of a bad ass even without being a vampire. He only ever wielded this power to protect Nandor and others so far, but it is a power nonetheless, this agility and strength that is too great for even VAMPIRES to successfully fight back against. He’s also a smart cookie that knows how to manipulate a situation, something that he’s been using a lot this season too. So, power, then. He has it already. Respect he received from his vampire-hunting group. 

But that still leaves appreciation and, dare I say it, maybe even affection/love. I think there’s a part of Guillermo that wants to feel like he’s accepted and cared for, but even when it’s offered (by groups like his vampire hunting clan, or Celeste’s vampire community lol) he seems to shy away from it going too far, like it’s just too much or ill-fitting coming from people he barely knows. Given that he’s a private, introvert type this makes sense. 

One thing has remained consistent for Guillermo though, across both seasons and episodes, and that’s his seemingly unwavering concern and affection for Nandor. Even in this last ep when he’s unashamedly shucking off duties that don’t fit his job description and maintaining those professional boundaries like a BOSS, he still snaps to and gets to work the moment Nandor is kidnapped. Laszlo’s gone? Meh, who cares, not his jurisdiction. Nandor’s gone!?? Fuck it, he’s getting the keys. A ‘vampire’ offers him the opportunity of a lifetime to become a vampire quickly and live within an accepting community of likeminded people and Nandor told him ‘go for it’? He’s upset that Nandor didn’t fight harder to keep him. 

So now he’s back and Nandor’s making a consistent effort not to abuse Guillermo’s position. This seemed the ideal resolution at the end of ‘Collaboration’, but after a couple of weeks it becomes clear that it wasn’t. For some reason. Guillermo’s no longer satisfied and thinks maybe it’s time to do more with his life. 

I’ll try to sum up the points I’ve made so far into a concise version of where I think Guillermo’s at right now, at least subconsciously; mostly all the things he hoped that turning into a vampire would grant him, have already been granted. He’s learned that he’s strong, smart, capable as is, more than he or anyone else had ever given him credit for. I think it makes sense that his burning need to become a vampire has begun to ebb into a quarter-life crisis of questioning who he really is and what he really wants, because the dream he nursed for so long has turned out to be pretty shallow and maybe not even necessary. He realizes there’s more he could be doing than working tirelessly to an end goal that no longer seems so sweet. 

But that leaves the ‘affection’ and ‘acceptance’ elements dangling in space, held up by his own affection for Nandor that has yet to be really defined. It’s pretty clear that Guillermo is nursing it hard, but what is the nature of it? Even as his sense of loyal devotion to a cause has started to fade, even as his view of Nandor as this unflappable role model has begun to disappear too bc he’s starting to see Nandor for who he really is (a himbo idiot that he can outwit, outmatch without even trying hard) this raw affection still remains. It’s still important that Nandor fights for him. It’s still important that Nandor is safe and protected.  

And, as with the rest of these things I mentioned, I don’t think Guillermo is even really aware of how much he cares about Nandor, how much it drives his actions and thinking, how important that relationship is to him. It’s easier to just sort of...ignore that and pretend it isn’t a factor, that’s Guillermo’s modus operandi when it comes to complicated feelings. 

I think back to that line from season 1, wherein Guillermo’s kind of musing wistfully about how different his life might have been if he’d stayed at Panera Bread/in a stable job with pay and benefits, but then handwaves that all away with ‘The heart wants what it wants’. By this point in the show he was already kind of drifting away from the goal of becoming a vampire (whether he realized it or not). 

The heart wants what it wants indeed, Guillermo, but maybe it’s not really ‘becoming a vampire’. Maybe it’s something else entirely that keeps you tied to this house, this thankless ‘job’. 

At this point, I really cannot say for 100% certain what I think will happen next with Guillermo. This show has proven solid at pulling out unexpected plot twists I wouldn’t have seen coming, but then, I also have been pretty good at predicting where they’re gonna go with things. Like 7/10 lmao. My two theories right now are: 

He’ll become a vampire in the series finale- unwillingly, maybe by accident. This one I think is plausible because it’s a bit of a kick in the pants. It’s the outcome he’s wanted for SO LONG but has just realized maybe it’s not all he can do or wants to do. I could see a situation where, idk, maybe Guillermo expresses to Nandor his thoughts lately about moving on from this and, in an act of stupid desperation, Nandor thinks maybe if he changes him that’ll keep him in his life, so he does it while Guillermo’s asleep and then surprises him when he wakes up...only to find out maybe that wasn’t actually what he wanted anymore, but UH OH what’s done is done. This could provide a lot of tension in the next season, I think. But as it’s a bit of a ‘shocking’ twist type route to go, I can’t be certain this is what they’ll do. Kind of a toss up. 

Guillermo leaves to pursue something else, which the camera crew will follow and document. This is the ‘sensible’/’safe’ route that most scripted shows would take, I think, in this situation...but again, I’m not certain about this one either because Shadows is known for throwing us for a loop and this seems a liiiittle predictable. It’s also very similar to what JUST happened in episode 8 and, were I writing the show, I’d worry it would come across as redundant. Like, maybe we already did this angle and should explore other options to keep the audience on their toes. Also, as much as they love putting Harvey with new casts of characters for episodic stories, I’m not sure they’d transplant him from the main cast for an extended period of time because he’s part of what makes that dynamic run so well. But then, the synopsis of the finale does say that vampires have to ‘survive without Guillermo’ while preparing for an event, so this may happen in some small, episodic measure again.   

Anyway, to wrap this up into a conclusion, I don’t think I’m wrong in predicting that Nandor/Guillermo’s relationship has been set up in such a way as to keep us guessing, sort of a Sam/Diane, will-they-won’t-they type thing that will remain a constant throughout whatever happens next, but will require both characters growing independent of each other in their own respective subplots. At this point, it has always remained consistent that Nandor and Guillermo prioritize each other even when it doesn’t make sense, but I don’t think either of them are ready to realize, accept, and sort through the layers of what they feel for each other. The master/servant dynamic makes that difficult, I’d imagine, so I think inevitably we’ll see the show start to pull them away from that. All I’m saying is, if whatever is going on between them wasn’t VERY complicated it would’ve been resolved as whatever it is a long time ago. Nah, there’s some deep, repressed shit they’re ignoring collectively for whatever reason, and usually that points to something that will, at some point, become romantic. Either way, to understand Guillermo is to keep a close eye on how his dynamic with Nandor grows and changes and I’m, as ever, VERY eager to see how it does. 

[aprito]

hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog 

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me) 

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please) 

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since. 

so finally we can move to the first question 

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic. 

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory “cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara. 

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol 

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.  

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

[mihidecet]

I see You

I’m back on my bs yall. This is meant to be a companion piece to this so if you’re in the mood for some pure and extremely shameless comfort maybe check it out?

I somehow ended up writing 3.8K of Manburg family dynamics, set in an alternate universe where none of the extremely messed us stuff of the canon happened. ((we could have had it all))

Once again do not take this as ship content!! Let’s normalize platonic cuddling and being close with your friends without it being sexual!! Pretty pretty please!!

Contrary to popular belief, Schlatt is not that dense when it comes to feelings. 

His ignorance of other people's emotions is a willing act of defiance. Defiance towards whom, you may find yourself asking?

… Anyway.

Schlatt does notice things. Stuff happening around him. And he does remember them.

He knows Tubbo takes his morning tea with two spoonfuls of honey, and a slice of bread with any marmalade on it except raspberry, which as it turns out he doesn't like. Schlatt stops providing raspberry marmalade, but it never really gets questioned. 

He knows Fundy will get scraped up while exploring during the day, and will always forget to bandage himself up properly, so he makes sure to mention it in passing to whoever is near him at the end of the day - just to know that people will check up on the kid. He doesn't need to go himself, Fundy would never allow him to take care of him directly, and he's not going to subject either of them to that situation. 

Most of all, he notices Quackity - with him being the Vice President, they're around each other a lot. 

Quackity is a bright light in the cabinet. 

While Tubbo is a warm late afternoon glow and Fundy is burning fire, Quackity is sunshine by the seaside on a midday spring day. 

Quackity likes coffee, but only if it's been drowned with sugar. He likes singing, humming tunes to himself as he works or while he cooks - he does it for everyone, whenever he has the time to, and he is one of the best cooks there are. He likes to debate, bringing up topics to talk about during slow times, engaging Tubbo into verbal spars. He makes sure that Fundy has eaten at least three times per day, and that he's gone to sleep at a decent time. 

He smiles to himself whenever he finishes a document. Ruffles Tubbo's hair. Touches Fundy's shoulder to stop him to ask him how he's doing. Taps Schlatt's shoulder to catch his attention.

Quackity is a very tactile person. 

Schlatt remembers him hugging people, throwing arms around shoulders, laughing out loud with tears at the corners of his eyes. 

So it's no wonder that a couple of months into their presidency, with work and paperwork occupying most of their days, Quackity is both overly stressed and constantly fidgeting.

It comes to a point when Schlatt catches him visibly reaching out to people and then backing away, awkward and embarrassed, mumbling excuses before making a joke of being lost in his mind due to work.

That cannot continue. It simply cannot. 

Schlatt finishes his paperwork an hour early that night, then he takes a swig from one of his already opened bottles for good luck and gets to work.

The trip from his study to Quackity's is almost too long - it gives him almost enough time to change his mind, almost enough time to chicken out and just plan something else, maybe unleash Tubbo on him. But before he can formulate the idea in his mind, he's standing in front of the oak door and his hand is already raised to knock. 

Too late to back down. A part of him reasons, despite the fact that it isn't. 

"Come in." Quackity's voice answers after he raps his knuckles against the wood. 

The room inside is dimly lit: the only source of light is a small table lamp that shines a beacon on Quackity’s documents as his pen flies on the paper sheet, the man’s slightly hunched back straightening when he notices him entering, a small tired smile appearing on his face. 

"What are you doing here?" He asks, his head tilting lightly to the side - then bending further, one hand coming up to rub at his neck with a slightly pained expression. Schlatt advances, crossing his arms over his chest and shrugging while Quackity seemingly discovers more and more sore spots along his back. 

"I finished my paperwork, I figured I'd stop by."

"Oh, cool. -” he replies with one final satisfied grunt “- I'm almost done with this."

Schlatt nods absentmindedly, gesturing vaguely with a hand towards a nearby armchair: "You mind?" There’s a moment of confused silence as Quackity looks at him as if he’s grown a second set of horns, a mixture of surprise, amusement and incredulity overcoming his features, then he shakes his head and chuckles to himself. To be fair, any other night he’d have flung himself on his bed the instant his paperwork had been done. Still, Quackity recovers quickly, nodding towards him and swiftly resuming his work.

It’s hard not to fall asleep with the sound of his friend’s pen running over paper calming his nerves, the dimness surrounding them and the comfiness of the armchair under him. He remembers when Quackity had brought it in, slightly old looking and covered in a transparent sheet of plastic: he’d called it a lifetime occasion, found in a yard sale, and Schlatt had doubted its usefulness - after all, they had a couch in the livingroom and multiple chairs for each of their desks. 

And yet, there hasn’t yet been a day when the armchair wasn’t occupied by someone. When the days are cold, Tubbo can often be found curled up in it with a mug of hot chocolate and a blanket safely tucked around his shoulders - by whom should be quite obvious. And sometimes, when the nights are too long and sleep avoids Fundy, he retreats there, silently, and turns the armchair so that he can keep a watchful eye over Quackity as he works - that is, until sleep finds him, comforted by the knowledge that they’re all safe and alive. 

There’s a small bookshelf next to the armchair, filled with tomes both bought, found and written - some in English, most in Spanish. Quackity is nothing but fond and proud of his collection, and while Schlatt’s not going to tell anyone, he has read plenty of poems from the books that looked the most used. He’s aware that his Spanish isn’t the best, but it helps with keeping his knowledge fresh. 

His eyes catch on a thin book that he doesn’t remember seeing before - its title along the spine is a mesh of letters, with way too many consonants, and definitely in a language he doesn’t know. Picking it up, he figures it will help with his task of not falling asleep as he waits, but alas, as on the spine, the whole book is filled with too many long words - is that a whole line of just one? Who made this up?

He starts flipping back to the incipit, in hope of at least finding the author’s name. When he reaches it, though, what catches his attention first isn’t the name itself - Goethe, ah, that’s it, German - but a hand-penned inscription just below. 

“Hey Da Dumbass, I heard you like poetry in foreign languages. Try and read this. Fundy.”

Thankfully, the sound of a satisfied grunt reaches his ears and unknots the tightness in his throat and distracts him from the warmth spreading in his chest.

Behind him, Quackity - he calls him dad - stretches his arms behind his back and sighs. 

"Alright, this one's done! -” he starts, smiling proudly to himself before shooting a somewhat guilty look towards the rest of the documents piled up on his desk “- You know, you don't have to wait for me, I figured since it's not so late I could get a bit of stuff done ahead of time-" Schlatt levels him with an unimpressed stare, then claps the book closed and places it back in its original place before standing up and making his way towards his still sitting friend. 

"Alright, that's it." Quackity looks visibly confused, even a bit worried, as he leans back into his chair, but Schlatt is a man on a mission: he won’t be swayed by it, this is supposed to be an intervention. He stops once he’s close, standing up right next to Quackity, and his friend looks nervously up at him, a high pitched self conscious chuckle escaping him. 

"Wh-what- what's up?" Schlatt gives him a quick look just to confirm his theory, but he knows him. And most importantly, he knows himself, he knows he can manage it. 

"You, in a moment-" He quips, bending down and quickly scooping the shorter man up, one arm under his legs while the other supports his back and then- 

"Wait, hold on- hold on I-” Quackity starts to protest, but by then Schlatt already has a secure hold on him, so up they go, followed by a yelp by Quackity himself as he is quite suddenly hoisted up into Schlatt’s arms, one hand reaching out and wrapping around the taller man’s shirt with a vice-like grip as he splutters, eyes wide as saucers.

“HOLY SHIT-! HOW IN THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?!" 

And to be completely fair, Schlatt is not one to back down from the chance to boast at this type of thing, so he simply shrugs and squeezes him closer with a self satisfied smirk: "I told you I lift, you dumbass."

"I- I- put me down." Quackity gapes, seemingly still wrapping his head around the sudden switch in situation; the way he leans into the hold is probably unconscious, but it does confirm his theory that his vice president, his closest friend, is in desperate need of being on the receiving end of some care and comfort. And he knows, deep inside himself, that he’s not the best candidate for the job, but if nobody’s going to do it then he is for sure going to. 

"I will in a moment. You need sleep." He replies, tone firm but not loud, reaching out with a hand to turn off the desk lamp - inwardly thanking the low light coming from the torches in the corridor for allowing him not to make a fool of himself by immediately tripping on his feet. 

"I- alright, but I can get to my room on my own!" Quackity protests, sounding flustered, and Schlatt has a moment of hesitation as the sudden fear of having overstepped a boundary hits him. Maybe he shouldn't have done this. Shit, fuck, he's screwed this, hasn't he? 

But as he pauses for a moment to look down at Quackity, to asses the situation, he realises that the man is actually clutching at him, and his head is resting under his chin - the soft fabric of the beanie pushing against his cheek the moment he bends his head to look down. Schlatt lets out a steadying breath: he can do this. 

"I know you can. I don't mind doing this, though." He states, firmly but not unlindly, voice softening, and he holds him close again - one armed as he reaches out to close the corridor's door. A huff of breath warms a spot over his chest. 

"I- you're such a fucking showoff, dude." He murmurs, accepting the situation with what sounds like a small smile on his face.

It takes him a minute, but soon he's opening the door of Quackity's bedroom. The shorter man, who had been slowly relaxing overtime, leaning more and more into his chest, startles as if waking up from sleeping and tenses up.

"Alright, now you can drop me off." He comments, but Schlatt is a bit more preoccupied with losing himself inside his own mind as he thinks about what to do next, so Quackity stays up - it's not like he's gonna wriggle around and risk falling on his ass on the ground. After a moment, he looks down at where Q's hand is clutching at his shirt, and at where his head is still pressed against his chest. A part of him is enjoying this too, and isn't really ready to let go, but still, this isn't about him. It's about what Quackity wants.

So he forces his anxieties down, swallows around the knot in his throat and tries. 

"What- what if I didn't yet, though." Quackity is silent for a moment after that, but his hand doesn't unclench, so he counts it as a good thing. 

"You're not making any sense, man." 

Schlatt is stood in the middle of the room, holding Quackity up, keeping him close, and he feels like he's balancing multiple instincts wanting to drag him in any direction - anywhere else other than here, right now, when stuff is so confusing and worrisome and he's constantly scared of scaring Quackity off with something weird. 

But yet again, he keeps it down, keeps it quiet. For his friend. 

"I've been seeing how stressed you are. Is this helping? Please be honest." If he had a free hand, he would be running it through his hair, a nervous habit he's been picking back up. Yet, his arms are starting to feel the strain of holding a body up, so he's not going to risk letting him fall to the ground. After what seems like an eternity, another sigh in the form of a warm puff of breath hits his chest as Quackity concedes. 

"... A bit …"

Good, he can't help but think. Communication is key in these situations. In all situations really, but he appreciates the fact that Q is opening up and letting him know he is alright with being held like this. Spurred on by this, he ponders his next words perhaps a bit too little. 

"Is it the caring or the touching?"

Quackity visibly flinches at the wordings, leaning back a little - pushing more strain on Schlatt's right arm - to stare at him with a sarcastic frown.

"Shit, man, you are such a wordsmith-"

Too quick, too many variables lost to the moment, and Schlatt is swept up in the frenzy of the situation - he has never, ever been good at smoothing out situations. 

"Will you just answer-"

"It's both! Geeze, are you happy now?!" Quackity's embarrassed outburst manages to at the same time shut him up and quieten the anxious voices in his head - so he was right, Quackity did like this, and he didn't mind it. Now if that wasn't a win in his book … he sighs, squeezing him close.

"Yeah, kinda. See, it wasn't hard. You little bitch." He comments, tone way too fond for him to be taken seriously ever again, but he figures he's allowed to be a bit soft - it's late, they're tired, and they're the only ones in the room.

Schlatt decides he's not going to subject himself to the mortifying ordeal of starting to lose strength in his arms - he has a reputation to uphold - so he quickly makes his way to the large bed, turns and sits down, inwardly relieved that he's managed to get this far. His nerves still haven't betrayed him. Yet. At least Quackity isn't launching himself on the other side of the room the moment he has a chance not to fall on the ground if he moves the wrong way. 

"What are you doing?" Quackity asks, sounding genuinely confused as he looks up at him with furrowed brows, so now it's Schlatt's turn to splutter indignantly, the arm under Q's legs sneaking up to wave confusedly in the air.

"I'm about to murder you is what I'm doing- what does it look like?! I'm trying to comfort you!"

A moment of silence follows, during which Schlatt stares awkwardly at Quackity's shocked face. Then Q's eyes soften and he starts chuckling, shaking his head for a moment before he lets it fall back down against his collarbone, sneaking an arm around his waist. 

"Feeling real fucking comforted, for sure." He comments, humour loud in his voice as he squirms around for a moment trying to find a comfortable position, quieting a moment later and letting out a small sigh.

"I am going to throw you into the river." Schlatt answers, bringing the hand that was holding his back up to the nape of his neck, fingers dipping under his beanie to lightly scratch at his scalp, pressing his friend's forehead against his neck.

When Quackity answers a moment later, his voice is but a murmur.

"I thought you were here to comfort me?"

"Shut up and be comforted, then, you dumbass." He huffs out, but there's a smile on his face despite the way he tries to seem angry. He is still way too soft to be taken seriously, and he'll be mad about it later, when Quackity will keep making coffee for the both of them, but then he'll lean into him while Schlatt's making eggs for Fundy, and he'll call him soft when he remembers to add the herbs the young fox hybrid picked himself; not to mention how he'll suddenly realise who had been bringing Tubbo back to his room after the kid had fallen asleep on the couch. 

But still, it's worth it, as he slowly grabs the hand that is still gripping his shirt, gently pressing against his fingers until he lets go; he places it back on Quackity's lap, rubbing what he hopes are comforting circles into his wrist - he knows how bad it can get when you spend all day writing, and knows his intuition payed off when his friend's shoulders relax even further.

To be quite honest, Quackity hadn't even realised his writing hand had been hurting. 

A joke threatens to rise in Q's throat, a way to diffuse the situation, a mechanism born from ages of repressing wholesomeness because that's the type of things that get you in trouble, because feelings get treated as a weakness, but he squashes it down, closing his eyes with a sigh as he lets himself enjoy the moment.

The warmth of a hug that is truly meant, the comforting weight of Schlatt's head against the top of his, the blissful peace that he associates with having his hair played with - It's been a while since he had the chance to do this, to feel this. 

He could fall asleep like this, he thinks, eyes closing on their own and body melting into the sensation, and he finds himself floating, suspended - but also grounded, tethered by the points of contact between their bodies. 

He feels- he feels like he did when Fundy tried to teach him German, him stumbling over the words while the other laughed with him; or like all the times Tubbo brought him outside in the garden, guiding him through the steps needed to take care of his beloved pets. 

He feels at home. 

And after a moment, he feels Schlatt relax too, his movements less precise, less rithmic, his shoulders sagging a bit as they lean more into each other instead of just Quackity against him - and doesn't that feel poignant, he thinks, but not pointing it out loud feels like a better choice. 

He feels before he hears the low timbre of Schlatt's voice, unusually quiet due to a mix of tiredness and the silent atmosphere surrounding them. 

"I'm gonna lie back. That alright with you?"

It takes a moment for Quackity to realise that he is asking for permission. He wants to nod, but that would jostle their heads. So he hums in what hopes is a notably affirmative way, and just to be sure his message is correctly interpreted, he turns his palm upward, fingers wrapping around the taller man's wrist, and squeezes.  

He feels a chuckle vibrate through the chest under his cheek; again, quiet, toned down, but this time it also feels like he's trying not to move too much - and that right there makes him want to never stop smiling, especially whenever Schlatt pretends he doesn't care. Because if there is one thing Quackity knows is that he cares so much, despite the fact that he still pretends he doesn't know how a doctor found their way to Fundy's room after he scraped his knee, the poor medic armed as if somebody had just lost an arm. 

Schlatt thinks he's so good at hiding his feelings, and then he stops buying a specific type of marmalade because Tubbo joked about it tasting funny. He is nothing but a dork, and this has just done nothing more than confirm his suspicions. 

The hand in his hair gently cups his head as Schlatt leans back until he's laying on the bed, and Quackity has to swallow back a knot in his throat at the pure, unaltered sweetness with which he is being treated - like he's fragile, but not in a bad, diminishing way: like you would treat a fancy ancient vase, or a masterpiece. 

Quackity squeezes his eyes, feeling himself get watery, and focuses on the fact that like this, he's not that comfortable anymore. There's no need for his legs to be both over his friend's body, so he shuffles back until he's more curled up against his side, half laying on his chest, head still tucked under his chin - by god how perfectly safe he feels with that soft pressure against his temple. 

Schlatt lets him wriggle around, the hand in his hair never moving, and once he stills his other one moves back to his own chest, where Quackity's hand rests against his heart, and his fingers gently wrap around his. 

"This alright?" Comes a murmur from above him and Quackity's fingers squeeze automatically in response, finding himself unable to verbalise an answer at first.

"Thank you." He breathes out a moment later, after he's able to reign in his emotions just enough for him to find his voice again.

"Don't- don't thank me." Comes Schlatt's instant response, the fingers in his hair halting for a moment as he pauses, seemingly deep in thought. When he speaks again, his tone is once again slow and hushed, and his fingers are once more rubbing slow circles against his scalp.  

"You can come to me for this. Anytime you want. I want you to know that you can count on me."

And oh, alright, Quackity thinks, eyes widening for a moment - he has to hurry and squeeze them shut before he starts tearing up, fighting against the way emotions squeeze at his chest; pure unadulterated joy at the knowledge that this is true, this is good and this is his. His small, dumb, weird family, made of mostly jagged pieces that somehow fit so well together. Quackity clutches at the fingers wrapped around his, squeezing maybe just a bit too tight, throat thick and feelings running, and then he simply nods into his friend's collarbone. 

Schlatt just squeezes back - and that's just how they are, two dumbass friends holding onto each other, doing their best.

Minutes later, he falls asleep, lulled by the rhythmic rise and fall of his friend's chest and the gentle feeling of being held.

[bxttxrflybxddie]

👉👈 could you do our boi Charlie? Thanks Butterfly!

yesyes!

Charlie Lee Fluff Alphabet

Activities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them? As weird as it might be, he loves going on walks with his girlfriend/fiancée/wife. He adores times with the two most beautiful things in the world; nature and his lover!

Beauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them? Our boy Charlie always seems to be drawn to her eyes. If it wouldn't be weird, he would stare into them all day.

Comfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.? He would at first stand in front of them and ask her if she would like him to stay or not. If yes, he tends to do that one thing where it's like 'What are 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, ect.' if she's going through a panic attack. For cheering his lovely up, he will do the goofiest and dumbest things to make her smile it's not even funny. Memorize the entire bee movie script in ASL? lol okay

Dreams - How do they picture their future with their s/o? He will immediately start bringing your thoughts and opinions into his life when he's only crushing. 's/o said she likes tulips I should have a bouquet in a vase on the table..' LIKE THE SIMP HE IS

Equal - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive? Ooo that 100% is up to how his gf is, but he doesn't mind either

Fight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting? He would only be really fighting his loved one if it's a very serious topic and if he's really hurt by what you did/said. With that being said, he will REFUSE to apologize first srry :/ ALSO THIS MAN IS SO PETTY HE WILL TAKE OUT HIS HEARING AIDS AND COVER HIS EYES-

Gratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them? There isn't a single second that goes by that he won't thank whatever great power is out there for you. You'd be one of the only people that keeps him sane in his crazy world. You'll quickly turn into his rock and he'll be the same for you

Honesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything? He won't tell you every single little detail about ACME or what he does there due to you're own safety (unless u work there then he's still quiet about it) and it'll take him even LONGER to open up to you about his old family

Inspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems? You keep him down to earth. As basic as that sentence is, it holds a lot of meaning with a lifestyle like his

Jealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it? Charlie doesn't mean to but he gets jealous REALLY easily. He feels like he's being toxic and awful everytime he does but he just doesn't want to lose you. He won't act on his feelings unless you're uncomfortable with the other person and then he's vry grabby and there's lots of PDA. Maybe something special once you two go back home ;)))

Kiss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like? HE SUCKS HE IS THE WORST KISSER because he's a loner duh. You two's first kiss will be rushed and your teeth will boink 😔

Love Confession - How would they confess to their s/o? He writes you a little note like a schoolgirl but shhh he's nervous b nice

Marriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like? He wants to but it would take a lotttaaaa convinces. From you and other ppl like Chief but once he proposes (which will take place probably in your two's shared house) he feels like the luckiest man in the world. As if he didnt already lol

Nicknames - What do they call their s/o? He signs 'Beautiful' and 'Dearest' because yet again heS A SIMP

On Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings? He's such a nervous gentleman because he really wants to be the best for you but omg he's so scareddd! You'll absolutely be his first girlfriend! He doesn't talk about you at work AT ALL but ppl know somn is a lil fishy

PDA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching? At work? No. You're a rumour that he didn't even spread. In public tho?? He's a little more open. This man is terrified that he might be being followed or watched by VILE operatives so no kisses but hand holding and hugs? Absolutely.

Quirk - Some random ability they have that's beneficial in a relationship He will write shitty poetry about you that you'll only find while lookin through his stuff. He's also a virgin but eh that's expected

Romance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative? This loser will literally buy a "romance for dummies" book and follow every rule it says but it'll but up to you to make things more natural for the both of yall

Support - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them? bruh are you kidding tHIS MAN IS YOUR CHEERLEADER!!! He does everything he can to help you and your dreams

Thrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine? He's been living with routines his entire life so those come along by nature but he wouldn't mind spicing things up a little to your liking

Understanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic? Charlie is so understanding about your emotions and headspaces it's almost terrifying but you can't blame him he's a nerddd it's what he does

Value - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life? When push comes to shove, he would die for you. Kill for you? debateable on who it is but that's just him. You won't be some fling that gets forgotten so your relationship would practically be crucial to him

Wild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon. Charlie Lee adores your voice. You cannot change that no matter how hard you may try.

XOXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle? HE IS THE BIGGEST CUDDLE BUG! He smooches every place youre good with and is attached to you like a koala and it WILL get annoying. He's so touched starved one kiss on the cheek and he's hooked-

Yearning - How will they cope when they're missing their partner? He throws himself into his work and is honestly rlly snappy at people. He's signing rude but honest stuff left and right because most of the ACME team doesn't understand ASL anyways but that's only if you're gone for a rlllllyyyyyy long time

Zeal - Are they willing to go to great lenghts for the relationship? If so, what kind of? Like earlier, die and kill. If your relationship is as important to you as it is him then he'd live for you. He's not used to being romantic and having a partner but gosh darnet will he learn. And once he does, he's not half bad :)

[vincent-frankenstein]

omg you should totally talk even in more depth abt the different techniques for lucid dreaming this is the first time i've heard abt it and it seems so interesting!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!! YELLS

yall are really indulging me tonight ig wow th,,, thank u,,,,, 

well! there are several different ways to induce a lucid dream, ranging from like. barely any effort to A Whole Lotta Effort. 

of course, no matter which technique you choose, you have to be maintaining a consistent dream journal and practicing reality checks for you to have any hope of success. i canNot stress enough how important those two things are!

anyway gonna, yeetyeet this under a cut bc we boutta get RAMBLY up in this tired bitch

first things first, MILD, or mnemonic-induced-lucid-dream. i talked about this one a lot in my original post, but it’s always worth a mention! it’s very low effort, and the results can be a bit slow, but it does work. all you have to do is set your intentions as you’re falling asleep with a mantra to focus your brain on lucid dreaming. personally, i use “i will become lucid in my dreams tonight” a lot, and it works pretty regularly! just repeat whatever mantra you choose over and over in your head while you’re trying to fall asleep — for at least five minutes, but the longer you go, the bigger your chances are.

upsides: REALLY low effort

downsides: not the biggest chance of actually inducing a lucid dream, and it can get really boring really fast, especially if ur an adhd bastard like me and u cant focus on shit

next! VILD, or visual-induced-lucid-dream. this is somewhere between MILD and WILD. it can be a bit more difficult than a MILD — especially if you have trouble visualizing things — but it can also induce lucid dreams that start exactly where you want them to, so you dont face the problem of having to change the scene. basically, you lay in bed, get comfortable, do ur Thing, and then you start visualizing exactly what scene you want your dream to start with. get as detailed as possible — notice every detail, every sound, everything. make sure to put a reality check into your scenario! supposedly, you’ll eventually just cross over into the dream, and your reality check will snap you into lucidity

ive only tried this method a couple times, and... it’s never really worked for me, but that could just be my adhd and my insomnia doubling up on me to keep me from falling asleep. whenever i try to focus too hard on falling asleep, i end up awake half the night instead. but! that doesnt mean this isnt a good technique; just because it doesnt work for me doesnt mean it wont work for you

upsides: starts a dream exactly where you want to be, good if you’re an imaginative person

downsides: boring as all hell, can (at least in my experience) worsen insomnia

the WBTB, or wake-back-to-bed method is a pretty much surefire way to get a lucid dream if you’re okay with sacrificing a night’s sleep in the process. the idea is to wake yourself up during an REM sleep cycle (specifically around 4-6 hours after you go to sleep, when dreams will be the most vivid). some sources say to get up then, spend about an hour meditating or reading about lucid dreaming, and then go back to sleep, but personally, this works best for me if i just roll over and go right back to bed. when your alarm rings, you’ll snap out of whatever dream you were having, and if you go right back to bed, you should be able to fall right back into the dream with the knowledge that it’s a dream. 

ive never had this technique fail, but it always leaves me super tired the next day

upsides: pretty much guaranteed lucid dream, not too much effort

downsides: you have to wake up six hours into your sleep, which is Gross™

now, if you really wanna put in the effort. there’s the WILD, wake-induced-lucid-dream technique. as the name implies, this technique attempts to bring you right from wakefulness into a lucid dream. it’s a long, complicated process — and in my personal opinion, it’s not much fun — but if you do it right, your chances of getting lucid are huge.

basically, you’re going to allow your body to fall asleep while your mind stays awake. you get in bed, lie in the corpse pose (on your back, arms at your sides, legs out, etc), and meditate. focus on your breathing as it comes in and out, and center yourself. then, relax your body bit by bit — starting with your feet, then your ankles, your calves, etc. when you’re done, your body should be deeply relaxed

then just. lay there. you can use your mantra from MILD, or steal a bit of inspo from VILD and start visualizing your dream. eventually, you’ll start seeing hypnagogic imagery — those little blobs of color and light that dance in front of your eyes as you’re falling asleep. you may also feel vibrations, hear auditory hallucinations, or even see things, if you open your eyes. you’re basically inducing sleep paralysis; your mind is awake, but your body is asleep.

dont move, no matter how weird it feels. keep your eyes closed, and focus on the hypnagogic imagery until it starts to form objects, places, people. soon, you should be able to just snap right into whatever scene builds before you, fully lucid.

ive only tried this once. i got to the vibrations, freaked out, woke myself up, and stayed awake the rest of the night with insomnia. it’s... probably my least favorite technique. 

upsides: huge chance of getting a lucid dream, and u get some Funky Hypnagogic Imagery on ur way

downsides: sleep paralysis is VERY likely, weird feelings all around, ridiculously hard to master especially if you have trouble stayig focused

those are the Main Four techniques! there are some that take even more effort than WILD — like ADA, all-day-awareness, where you’re supposed to force yourself to be awakre of everything 24/7 so the awareness will bleed through into your dreams — but in my experience, these four are the most likely to get results.

aside from these! there are also supplements you can take, hypnosis tracks you can download, guided meditations you can practice — basically a whole bunch of shit you can do on the side to increase your chances. but if ur like me and u dont have the time/energy to do all that shit, just stick with MILD, and you’ll see results soon enough!

[terriblecreations]

Zero Day Part 1/?

Series Summary:  After years of ignoring your parentage, an attack made on your life forces you to seek refuge with your father, Tony Stark. Somehow, you get wrapped up in SHIELD business and become an agent, and after the fall of SHIELD you find yourself working more and more closely with the Avengers. But, unknown to your father, you do have a past, one which leads to even more enemies knocking on your family's doorstep...

Pairing: Eventual Steve/Bucky/Thor x Reader

Warnings: None

Words: 1081

A/N: This is my first Marvel oneshot in a while, so please go easy on me

You casually tossed a coin in the air, watching it spin as it fell back into your outstretched hand.

Your mind was buzzing with the events of the day, which there were certainly a lot of. First, your contact completely blew you off, which only pissed off your boss and led to a screaming match that left your throat burning. Then your favorite barista quit right before you could order your drink, citing that the person before you made him hate life in the city. Finally, and possibly the most serious, you had arrived at your apartment only to find it ransacked and most of your equipment stolen.

Now, you were getting called into a late night meeting with a man you had not seen in over a year. Your father, Tony Stark.

After being conceived after a night of too much partying, your mother made it more than clear to Tony that all she wanted was enough supplemental income to support you and her while she finished her degree. Nothing more, nothing less.

You had to give him credit, though, as he found ways to sneak into your life. It took his disguised appearance at your third grade science fair before your mother finally let you both officially meet.

To say your relationship with your father was strained would be an oversimplification. You had distanced yourself from both of your parents when you left for college, and very much the same after. But after your mother’s death two years ago, you both promised the other you’d work better in keeping in touch.

It of course didn’t help that your father had announced himself as the Iron Man and in later years an Avenger. That, of course, made your job a little bit more difficult. After all, anyone with the slightest bit of power would want to find a way to exploit a weakness of the billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. His estranged child would, of course, be number one on that list.

And with you being a hacker-for-hire, you couldn’t afford your real identity to ever be used against you.

“Miss Stark?”

You barely glanced up at the voice of the AI. “Yes, JARVIS?”

“We’ve arrived. They are waiting for you in the conference room on the left.”

You rolled your eyes but exited the elevator, tossing the coin one last time to get rid of your nerves. Something told you your father just had to include his superhero friends. 

Of course, when you entered the conference room, you found several sets of eyes staring at you. You ignored the nervousness settling in your stomach and met the single eye of Nick Fury, someone whom you had done jobs for in the past, before you found you liked sitting behind the computer more than fieldwork.

“Agent X,” Fury greeted, his expression neutral.

“Fury,” you said through gritted teeth. “I’m not an agent anymore, remember?”

He shrugged. “Once a member of SHIELD, always a member of SHIELD.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Your father spoke up from his place at the other end of the conference table. “She’s the one you called in? Are you serious right now?”

“Stark,” both of our faces turned back to Fury. “Since the Avengers cannot handle this matter by themselves, I had to bring in someone I know can get the job done.”

You chuckled, but the sound was empty of any humor. “If you think I’m doing anything for you guys, you’re as messed up as the other guys.”

A blonde man who you recognized as none other than Captain America spoke up. “She’s just a kid, what can she do for us anyways?”

You pushed down the desire to throw a nasty retort, knowing it’s what Fury would have wanted.

Instead, it was Clint who spoke for you. “Sorry Cap, but this ‘kid’ single-handedly brought down twenty Hydra bases while you were still frozen in the ice.”

You grinned at the older man. “Lovely to see you, Barton.”

He saluted you with a smirk. “Always is, Agent X.”

Fury cleared his throat. “Now, X, I am fully aware that your apartment was broken into tonight, correct?”

You could sense your dad straightening up in his seat. “Yes, it was, but I wasn’t there.”

“We believe the people who broke in are the very same that this team was tasked with hunting down. But, they were unable to, and thus indirectly led to you being found out.”

“And by found out, I take it you mean…”

“That you’re his kid,” Fury said, nodding to Tony whose face was pale.

The other Avengers glanced to your father, each of them sporting their own expression. You didn’t much care for it, instead turning to Fury, knowing your old job was dead and SHIELD, as fractured as it was, was your only way of staying alive at this point.

“What do you need me to do?”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You know, kid, you could’ve told me.”

You rolled your eyes as you double checked your weapons. Guns, check. Electric batons, double check.

“I just thought we agreed to keep in touch more.”

You turned to see he was barely holding it together. Something was haunting his eyes, and you would be lying if you said it didn’t make you hurt a little.

“Look, Dad, I know how much you worry; it doesn’t help you don’t talk to anyone about them too. I didn’t want to add onto the pile when you have all of this,” you motion around at the Avengers tower, “to deal with.”

He walked towards you, wrapping his arms around you and sighing as he placed his head on top of yours.

“You’re my kid. I know you’re a lot like me and hate this sentimental crap, but I don’t want you to ever think you can’t come to me about these things. Got it?”

You nodded your head, closing your eyes as you hugged him back.

After a few moments, you forced yourself to pull away. “I gotta go fix this mess now. I’ll see you when I get back.”

He nodded. “You got it kid.”

And that’s how it began. Your life with the Avengers. Yeah, it was a pretty quick change, but when you got back from that mission and Tony forced you to join them for a family dinner, you knew you couldn’t fall off the grid so soon again…

But you still had a past and plenty of enemies who wouldn’t let you go that easily...

A/N: Let me know what yall think. Update to the Way I Feel Inside should be posted in the next few days

[howtobeaconartist]

I have an odd question about merching with traditional art vs digital. I'm a trad. artist who colors with marker/watercolor and want to do stickers and acrylic charms using my art. I did a sample of artwork colored digitally and tbh i really don't like it- it doesn't look like my style at all. My question is- do any of yall do your artwork for charms/stickers/etc using trad. artwork? If so, do the tiny variations in color, etc., negatively affect the finished product? (1/2)

”I’m pretty good at getting the colors consistent in PS, but worry that it might not look right when printed. Is there a good way to see how the colors might be affected before dropping tons of $$$ on charms and stuff? Thanks a ton for this blog, btw. It’s easing my anxiety about my first con :p”Nattosoup:  I work mainly in traditional art (watercolor and alcohol marker, often ink), although when I’m designing most of my merch, I prefer to work digitally, just because I can get cleaner color reproduction.  But you can see from my table that I have A LOT of traditional media work up for sale, or reproductions of such work available as books, charms, and mini prints.

SO!  You’re going to have to do some degree of digitization to your work regardless.  You’re going to have to scan it, to clean it up, to design it for the products you’re making.  How much digitization you want to do, and how much it differs from the original, is going to vary product to product.  I recommend you invest in color correction hardware like a Spyder or a ColorHug, so you can calibrate your monitor to accurately reflect color.  I have a post over on my blog about monitor color calibration.

My banners, mini prints, some of my stickers, my comics, and mini comics are all drawn, inked, watercolored, or markered traditionally.  I then scan them and fiddle with them in Photoshop- often just to get rid of unnecessary/unwanted color variation (say, the paper warping when scanning), to add more contrast (since my scanner tends to grey things out), or to bump up the color vibrancy.I print through:Overnight Prints (make SURE you format it in CMYK not RGB with them, they will not check for you)ShutterflyBuildASign (their print resolution is kinda crap, but it works well for banners)And I’ve used Staples skrim printing for the banner below.  I also print at home.Basic tips for making merch with traditional art:1. Scan in CMYK.  Edit in CMYK.  Printers print in CMYK, so the closer you can work within their gamut, the more accurate your work will be.

2.  Many places will send proofs- Createspace, Catprints, and many of the charm manufacturors will send a PDF proof to give you an idea of color accuracy, but you can also request or pay for physical proofs.  This will give you an idea of how it will print, and what you need to do to correct it.

3.  Scan LARGE.  I scan everything at 600 DPI, as I find it works best for large scale things like banners, and allows me to reutilize art.

Even with proofs, there’s a margin of error.  My third printing of 7″ Kara was ALL wrong- CreateSpace switched their printers, and didn’t send me a proof for me to double check, and I wasn’t aware that they’d switched printing services until I’d contacted them about it.   They wouldn’t replace them, wouldn’t refund me, and I had to sell them as is, as I can’t afford to just eat 50 miscolored books. If you’re printing traditional media onto merch, you may need to accept that the finished merch won’t necessarily look like your finished illustration.  You also need to keep in mind that without the original to compare it to, your customers might not care, especially if it still looks good.

4.  Order early!  This way if there’s a mistake or a misprint, you have time to get it straightened out.  Never order from a new supplier or source right before a show- that’s a great way to end up with product you can’t sell, or product you’re not quite comfortable selling.  Give yourself time to make mistakes.

5. Read their submission information CAREFULLY.  Follow their setup instructions carefully.  If you’re uncertain about something, email the company, and if they don’t respond with them, don’t continue to work wtih them.  If you’re concerned with your artwork fidelity, it’s better not to take risks with companies you cannot communicate with.  You’ll end up paying more (customer service always comes at a price), but you’ll also feel more comfortable because the communication will be there.

6.  Places that already do photo printing are generally good at reproducing original artwork.  I haven’t worked with anyone from AliExpress, but I have worked with Artscow and Shutterfly, and any place that does quality photo prints can reproduce traditional artwork faithfully onto objects.  I have bags, waterbottles, vinyl stickers, and more with my watercolor art printed onto it and while the price margins make it unfeasible to offer items like this for sale, I’m quite happy with the print quality, and regularly use these items.

7.  Work with what you’re comfortable with, then figure out how to digitize it for reproduction.  My wooden charms were originally traditionally inked (fude pen in sketchbook) designs, that were scanned and then reinked as vectors to cooperate with Ponoko’s laser cutter.  Most laser cutters prefer vectors, so you may have to get comfortable converting your art over.  I have a tutorial here on how to prep your files for Ponoko.8.  Start out with home manufacture and assembly. I do a fair amount of manufacturing at home.  I print and cut my own stickers, so I can adjust the color based on the printer and print quality.  I print and assemble my own mini comics and zines, so the same goes for those.  My dear friend Kabocha has a post on cutting stickers using a Cricut that you may find helpful if you get into home production.Basically if you followed instructions, you digitized your work properly, at the right resolutino and in the right color profile, and you requested a proof, you should be good!  Also!  If this post was helpful, or if you enjoy this blog, please click through the links on Nattosoup or Kiriska’s names, and check out our art!  You can also check out our about section for links on where you can tip each of us as individuals (HTBACA does not have a joint Kofi, Paypal, or Patreon)

[ramenbyler]

big thanks 2 @thinkingabouttyrus 4 helping me and giving me a plot and big thx 2 grammarly for making sure it sort of makes sense! (also this is a fun game called how many meme references can u find... probably too many sorry yall)

AO3

TJ Kippen only loves three things in his life. Those things are Basketball, his Dirtbike, and making a fool of himself in front of boys. OK, so maybe he doesn’t love to make a fool of himself in front of boys, but he does it so much that at this point he might as well love it! The next step would be making a business this from this and making money. You know what they say, take whatever you love and make money doing it! Some might leverage basketball or bike riding. But here TJ sits, in front of Cyrus Goodman - the cutest boy by far - as a fool.

To be fair, TJ couldn’t have seen this coming. But Cyrus saw it all coming. He saw everything. Which sounds incredibly suspicious. But it really isn’t like that.

Understand that TJ Kippen has always seen Cyrus Goodman walk around the halls and melt inside a little. He’s always found Cyrus cute, for as long as TJ’s known of Cyrus’ existence. It only started when Cyrus’ best friend - Buffy Driscoll - tried out for the basketball team. TJ didn’t necessarily take to Buffy but he just let it go and they say everything happens for a reason. This reason is Cyrus Goodman showing up to basketball games with the biggest and most creative signs. Cyrus never really talked and TJ never really understood why he never heard Cyrus’ voice (which he just presumed was angelic, just like Cyrus’ mere presence. TJ was not worthy.) until one of the other basketball teammates mentioned it to Buffy during a game.

It was right before the game, they were all hyping each other up and were ready to take home another win when Will, a boy who was Swingman, pointed to Cyrus in the stands. “Your friend Cyrus would be a great cheerleader, he could sit lower and yell everytime we made a point, with all those frickin’ signs and stuff.” Buffy just raised her eyebrow, “He barely knows how basketball works, I doubt it.” Will chuckled, “Just like tell him! C’mon I can do it. It’s easy.”

TJ might have gotten a bit defensive when Will said this because clearly everyone knew of TJ’s big, fat, gay crush on Cyrus, didn’t they? (They didn’t.) Buffy rolled her eyes, “Unless you’re fluent in ASL or something, I doubt it.” And Will, bless his soul, looked genuinely confused for a long minute. “What do age, sex, and location have to do with this…” The room went silent. “American Sign Language, get off Omegle, dude!” Yelled Sam, another teammate.

And then all of TJ’s previous plans went down the drain. He didn’t know ASL! He only knew how to fingerspell like 10 letters in ASL and very badly. And he only knew this because one night, he got so bored, he committed to learning ASL for fun for like 10 minutes then fell asleep and completely forgot about his commitment.

But TJ took this as an invitation to be pretty careless in how he treated this crush. TJ has only spoken with Cyrus a few times, all times with Buffy as a translator. And they were pretty mediocre meetings. One time after a big win, TJ went to congratulate Buffy on a great game and Cyrus was there, TJ’s heart rate went about a million times up. Or however, you say that. TJ ended up telling Cyrus how much he admired his signs. Buffy interpreted to ASL and Cyrus lit up and gave a thumbs up. TJ’s heart fluttered.

The other time was at The Spoon, TJ was there to give something to his sister who worked there when he saw Andi Mack, Jonah Beck, Buffy, and Cyrus. TJ admits his stomach churned when he saw how close Jonah and Cyrus sat, Jonah’s arm was practically around Cyrus but he shut his trap. He walked past the table and made small talk and made eye contact with Cyrus a few times. It wasn’t anything special and TJ wishes it could have been, just to make Cyrus remember him. Currently, he’s assuming Cyrus only knows him as “that guy that plays with Buffy” which isn’t helpful when Buffy is the only girl on the team.

The only time TJ wishes Cyrus didn’t have to see him, was now, at lunch, in front of his stupid friends. He has a mix, some he’s made from classes and still a few guys on the team. (Not including Will.) All of which, know of TJ’s huge and obvious crush on Cyrus. TJ thanks God that Cyrus can’t overhear them, which on one hand is very sad and TJ feels bad. But on the other hand, he kind of hates his friends so he’s grateful.

He was wrong to be grateful.

See, when Cyrus approached their table with the whole angelic getup, TJ could hear the angelic music begin, he could see the halo and the wings and once again, TJ was enthralled. He was taken out of his imagination when his friend kicked TJ’s leg and TJ was brought to a loud and obnoxious cafeteria and a small boy in front of him in a buttoned-up shirt, a sweater, cuffed jeans, and Vans. So almost the same thing. TJ just nodded and pushed his friend, Lucy, to the side and let Cyrus sit next to him. He’ll be damned if he lets anyone touch Cyrus. Can’t ruin those wings! (No wings here, TJ’s just seriously in-like.)

Lucy, on the other hand,  just laughs and starts taunting TJ. The nerve of this girl, TJ thinks. “TJ and Cyrus sitting in a tree-” “Stop!” TJ’s pouting.

“Poor Cyrus, he must be so confused.” Lucy puts on a fake pout. The entire table laughs a little. Ryan, a teammate from basketball finds this especially funny. Lucy just reaches out and pats Cyrus’ back. She then starts signing in ASL. And damn TJ, he now knows how to fingerspell, but whatever Lucy is signing, TJ is clueless. Cyrus finds it funny and laughs. TJ commits to always wanting to hear that laugh for the rest of his life right there and then.

“Careful!” Yells Ryan. “Don’t touch Cyrus, TJ might explode! That and with his big fat crush on Cyrus. No one touches my Cyrus.” Ryan mocks in a voice that sounds nothing like him. TJ covers Cyrus’ ears, “Shhhh!” and the whole table erupts in laughter. Cyrus, too. TJ doesn’t get it but maybe Cyrus understands context or something. The table dies down when Eric, also from basketball, decides to speak. “I feel bad, Cyrus probably has no clue what’s going on.” Cyrus shakes his head.

Then he does something completely earth-shattering.

He.. speaks?

“Nah, you guys are fine. A little fast, maybe. But I can follow.” The whole table is silent. “What?!” Because right now, Eric looks like he’s about to lose his mind. “I can read lips, and I lost my hearing a few years back, so I can kind of speak.” TJ is stunned. Cyrus’ voice is the most beautiful thing he’s ever heard. TJ genuinely cannot form a coherent sentence. He’s stuttering and babbling and the only one who’s unaffected is Lucy, who’s cousin is hard of hearing and knows a lot about the deaf community or whatever. TJ’s staring at Cyrus with the widest eyes and the biggest smile. “Your voice is adorable.” Is the first coherent sentence that falls from TJ’s lips. The table is silent again.

Then, the bell rings and TJ is still sitting there wrapping his mind around how spectacular Cyrus is, he doesn’t notice the table dissipating. Cyrus is still there and that’s all TJ cares about. Cyrus blushes. And there he is, making a complete and utter fool of himself! In front of a cute boy! Scratch that, Cyrus Goodman, the cutest boy! Abort, abort, abort!!!

“Wait! Ok, this is kind of a waste since you can read lips, but,” TJ moves back, against his genuine need to be close to Cyrus and starts shakily and very badly signing to Cyrus. It’s slow and shaky and TJ doesn’t know if it makes sense because Cyrus looks mildly confused but gets over it once TJ finishes signing.

Cyrus has the biggest grin on his face and TJ’s aware that he’s only known Cyrus a short while, but he would kill everyone on this planet earth for him, including himself.

Cyrus laughs and speaks again, “I like you, too.” TJ is grinning like crazy and they’re both so unbelievably happy, it lights up the entire empty cafeteria. Like a loud record scratch, it all falls down when TJ’s face falls. “Wait, did you hear what everyone said, then?” Cyrus laughs, “I mean I read what everyone said, yes.” TJ’s face scrunches up, “Sorry, I’m an idiot.” Then TJ’s palm hits his forehead.

But then Cyrus lifts TJ’s hand from his head and lowers it, intertwining it with his own hand. “Maybe, but you’re my idiot, now, so.” And then he shrugs. Can Cyrus Goodman get any cuter?!

Cyrus leans in and leaves a small peck on TJ’s cheek and giggles in his ear. “Gotta go, see ya!” And runs off. TJ’s genuinely stunned again.

TJ knows he should get up and go to class, but his only brain cell seems to be malfunctioning due to Cyrus Goodman being perfect, so he needs a minute.

He ends up missing classes. He assumes it’s worth.

After basketball practice, Buffy wraps her hands around TJ’s collar and threatens to kill TJ if he in any way, shape or form if he hurts Cyrus and TJ says. “I condone that. If I ever do something stupid and he’s negatively affected, I completely understand killing me and hiding my body.” Buffy smiles and nods, “Glad to know we’re on the same page, Kippen.”

Cyrus Goodman is worth everything.

[survivorreelsmagicwithin]

Episode 2 - “Y'all. Vote me out fr cause I'm inactive as fronk” - Joshua (through Autumn)

I hate flag-making challenges. I will not be helpful at all, and I hope that someone else can take the reigns and lead us to victory. I honestly feel safe going into a tribal council, but I do not want to test that theory.

Next morning

With Chips and Jules working on the crest designs, I feel confident that we will do well in the challenge. Maybe not the best, but definitely not the worst. I still have the same anxious feeling that my tribe is not active enough for my taste, but I will just have to live with it for now. Besides, at least this is not immunity because that we increase my anxiety by so much. But, I keep forgetting to search the idol hunt which is my bad, but it is just so hard and long that I do not really feel like searching all the time lol

ART CHALLENGE <333 i love these challenges. Jess made my picture 110% better and its super cute. The note that she wrote with it is also hella cute and I love the whole HP aesthetics bc i never got to go to real hogwarts ;-; but i'm sure most of yall can related. The boys weren't too helpful but nick was better than jacob who is sick. Nick was way more active aka jacob said 3 sentences the entire challenge sooooo…. if we lose idk I might just save jacob anyways bc pregame relations.

Won reward, but now we have to win immunity again. I really hope that this reward helps us continue to survive. I don't want to have to vote anyone out. We've been getting first, but I really just want to survive this challenge, its known to be hard.

I think I have been stuck with the second most challenge inept tribe in the history of my ORG career. I literally said so many answers in my version of the story and Jules just fucked it up. And then they got the girl's name wrong. And then they started mixing up characters. I know I did well, but fuck these people. God. Now we need a tribe to get 0 which is very unlikely. I will just resign myself to tribal. I hope and pray that these people have some common sense and do not want to vote me out

Listen. Listen. Listen. I dang knew this story was going to be Harry Potter based. I knew in my brain and in my heart that I shouldn’t have been the one to start that thing. What do I do? Start the dang thing. Oh well. We did alright. I would be shocked if we won tho but if we don’t I’ll be relieved. I def don’t feel confident enough but I really had a lot of fun with my tribe. I really miss this and really hope that my time isn’t cut short! I feel really good about my tribe mates sincerely. And that’s kind of scary! I would hate to see any of us to go and how it’s going to affect the bond we have if we vote someone out. In this moment with Max sitting out, it may be him who goes if we go to tribal. I hope that isn’t the case. I’ve got my fingers crossed for us. Huff Puff strong!

Honestly Jules dropped the ball sis!! But it’s okay, I love her. She’s really nice and I know she tried her best. Plus she’s in an alliance with me and Owen, so we should have the numbers against Joanna or Miguel if we go to tribal. Personally, I’d prefer Joanna to go. She’s kinda domineering, but she’s also an asset in challenges thus far. She is organized and direct. I’ve also talked to her a bit more than Miguel, so I guess I don’t really care who goes.

I’m happy I didn’t fuck up the reward comp and the shit that I drew got us a win!

I really hope I don't bomb that challenge, I answered everything that Kevin talked to me about.... I think!  The rest of them tried very hard but I am SOOO glad that I asked to do my part at the end because my memory of repeating things is horrendous but I'm usually pretty good at bullshitting test answers... too bad I got some of the multiple choice stuff wrong.

I think that if we do lose I am still in a good spot on this tribe and hopefully I won't be in danger.  I feel like I'm on everyone's good side and Max kind of just disappeared so maybe we could just vote him out this round? Idk.

Hopefully we don't have to worry about it.  I smell a swap coming up pretty soon and I just hope I'm either with Owen or with some of the people from my tribe.  I have no idea if they know anyone or are close with anyone in the other houses.

I'm still feeling the closest to Lily and Kevin but I have been talking to Landen a good bit too these days so hopefully we'll be safe or we can all just agree on Max.

16 minutes later

OOOOOH IS LANDEN PAVING THE WAY FOR A MOVE TO SEND MAX PACKING???

He just told me that me, lily and kevin are precious angels that must be protected and that he likes Max when he's around too so that sounds like something... HMMM...

I can't get cocky, I always go home when I get cocky. But I like this.

my host chat saw this first (shout-out to Drewie and Dennis): Y’all I’m an idiot. I thought I only knew 2 people in this game (Owen and chips). Then I remembered I also know Jess, Autumn, and dan. Literally love and respect each of you my brain just don’t got the strongest memory no more. I’m so sorry!!!! I literally just told landen I only know 2 ppl. I’m just gonna try to not remember it happened.

Ugh.....I need to get it together.

I love my tribe talking to each other now that we have to!! Everyday I'm like damn either I'm on the bottom or I'm not the only one with piss poor social game. Ok so... the moment the hosts said we got 1 point, I started getting ready for tribal lmaaaooo. No sense crying over it either because all the tribes basically just had to show up in order to beat that

Like how could we not go to tribal with a score of ONE? That shit's embarrassing hahaha. That's like when your teacher passes the test back to everyone sitting around you but not you so you KNOW it's bad. But you know what? It's all good cause I'd rather us take the L now and get it out the way and we can all laugh about it cause losing won't be funny after long. The real question is: will Gryffindor do this the easy way or the hard way caaauusse we all know who the weakest link is. I just wanna see if someone puts two and two together without my prodding. Chips already said we voting together right and I'm like yes sir. There's no better place than being on the same page

WE WON OMG!! Jules basically gave me nothing, which is fine, i understand, but i'm so impressed that we pulled that off. Absolutely killing these reward challenges really helps!

"Y'all. Vote me out fr cause I'm inactive as fronk."

Tonight we learned Joshua is a feminist selfless man that I stan because he's volunteering to go home without me having to put his name out, which I was going to do. Like imagine if every guy had that kind of self-awareness, to recognize why he should be the vote and then embrace it instead of wreaking havoc. And wanting to see others succeed more than yourself? King shit! He knew when to hang it up and did just that. Like the number of times I've seen a vote get complicated for no fucking reason because everyone wants a fight to the death. Enough- I'm old, tired, and cannot exert too much energy at once. We got a long game ahead of us, not to mention quarantine. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you Joshua. We need more players like you and I appreciate your service

im back back BACK AGAIN with another confessional! not much has changed but a few updates for the sake of these being required :) 1. max has become even more inactive, he's not reached out to me personally since the first day and any time i messaged him after that he's sent me nothing back that i can build a convo off of, so we just have stopped speaking. Luckily this challenge only required four people and everyone else SHOWED UP!! or at least spoke about their availability, while he did not. However in his defense he said he was having some issues at home and i feel for him but his inability to connect has been an issue before he spoke about anything in our tribe chat with us. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but this point my relationships with the other 3 are leaps and bounds ahead of where I am at with Max. Maybe he can pick up some speed if we continue winning challenges but, it's not looking too hot. SPEAKING OF CHALLENGES, well first we lost reward AGAIN, but we won immunity.. AGAIN! thank goodness for not being first or second boot, i always love being able to avoid these early tribals and if i can get to a swap without seeing one that would be ideal, but also if we do go and maybe vote out max? wouldn't be the worst thing. Moral of the story we won and thats exciting! however.. if we didn't.. the first big push of strategic talk came up with landen when he hinted at being frustrated with max's lack of presence which I also share. I do believe if we lost me and landen could have most definitely picked up ruthie and lily to form a four against him, if he even came to tribal. That would be my ideal situation and if we continue on this tribes hopefully it gives me a nice cushion to fall on if we do lose so i dont have to entirely blow up my social game within the first few rounds by voting out someone i've built a connection with. If max can go and the remaining four hufflepuffs can make a swap I would feel good about that, and maybe in the right circumstances we could work together on the swapped tribes because i genuinely like all of these people (yes max too but in this specific scenario he wouldn't be included bc... well..) anyways to close this off i still absolutely ADORE lily, she is fun and our conversations are really good, and same goes for ruthie, hopefully i dont have to see either of them or myself go home before we can really start playing because i think we could do some damage. :) ok anyways this was longer than i thought it would be goodbye

I'm still not over the fact that I was able to answer 7 of those questions right. I have the memory of a plastic fork.  I also love that we are SAFE!

I do kind of hope things get spicy and we swap this round and become two tribes of 9. That'd be cute. I don't want VI to get bored and crack on me. BUT ALSO I think I have solid enough relationships with almost everyone on this tribe... so who knows?!

Also... these hoes really out here trying to search for an idol in PUBLIC. IN PUBLIC. WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON HERE?

Dear diary, seems like we keep winning challenges, which is great but tbh i feel like every time i give a disadvantage to my team because english is not my first Language, and so far its been a vocabulary test and a listening and speaking test. I mean I knew I signed up for school but damn. Give me some macarena  or drinking tequila challenge and I'll crush it

bippity boppity boo im back again with almost no content kdfasjhdskjfh

Ravenclaw working smarter and we keep winning, period!!! Thankful that y'all put Dan and I together....bc truly we will be unstoppable in these competitions. I kind of want to lose soon though to see how things would shake out, but I don't really have bad blood with anyone. Joanna seems passionate enough in the tribe chat and the challenges, even if she's dry in PMs. Miguel still won't give me anything other than a "how are you," but I hope the best for him in life lol

Still love Jules and Dan, and we made a three person alliance, but I haven't talked with either of them much one on one since it happened.... I really need to step the social game up eventually, but right now, I'm coasting, and maybe that's what I need before I find the time and resources in this game to strike!!

The idol hunt is hard but Dan seems onto something. Honestly he's gonna be a big threat sooner or later so he's sticking around as long as I can keep him! The last two games I've been in I've seen "goats" get dragged to the end and locked in final 3 positions, and then these perceived goats have ended up winning. so I want the big players in this game to rise to the top and fight it out in the end!

let’s say i am como we dice.. fed up with a lot :flushed: a lot meaning joshua starting to get on my nerves a bit! he’s genuinely sweet n all but.. the way he complained about us losing by putting down others work HHH pissed me off. which is why i will be voting him out hehe.. but so far my misting has worked because no one wants to vote me out! mwah

Slytherin killed the memory challenge. We thought we were all gonna flop bc all of us thought we sucked at memory stuff. um well we knocked it out of the park? Ravenclaw got 4 and huff/gryff got 1. We got 7 so oops. I do hope things turn out well for Gryffindor but no one I really know/care about is in that house so I'm not too worried. I hope they continue to lose or even hufflepuff since ravenclaw has 2 of my friends in it.

I have been TERRIBLE with confessionals but only because there's really not been much going on? I have an alliance with Dan and Owen, and even though I wrote off Joanna I was DEFINITELY wrong in doing that. Miguel is sort of the outlier. Our team is kinda iconic though? We've done so well on all the challenges. I might be the weakest link? More to come.

it's pretty sad but the whole tribe has agreed to vote max if we lose, basically he's just never around because of what's going on at home and like thats sad but... we gotta do what we gotta do *shrug*. I'm really feeling good about Hufflepuff moving forward, i've never bonded this much this easily with EVERYONE on a tribe and i just feel like if we keep winning or even if we lose and have to vote out max, we could be a great group for the future. especially i feel great about working with kevin, we dominated eve's game after eve came between us in 2020 that dastardly witch... :P (juuust kiddin. love ya!) but now we could totally do well in this game too i think.....

lily and ruthie are just so sweet and we really bond talking about pretty much anything,, especially lily is a great conversationalist and i just find it so natural to talk to them both. i'd love to work with any combination of people from hufflepuff in the future, hopefully i start sucking a little less at all these challenges. i think i did pretty great on memory :D

So here is the summary of what has happened since last time

We had a reward challenge that was drawing. Mine sucked. Apparently 3/4 so no reward.

We played Telephone. My team didnt realize that details are the most important parts of that and didnt share then with Autumn so Autumn didnt share them with me. Then I didnt know them when asked about them.

We scored 1 point and lost. Since I still have no alliance I'm scared that it could be me. So I kind of got an idea how everyone was feeling.

Juls let me know she wanted to vote Joshua and- it's not me so that's fine!

Then I was talking to Autumn about it and - OOP! Josh asked to be voted out. So unless he plays an idol I'm supposing he is leaving after asking to go.

woo my tribe won immunity!! we are safe! i’m glad bc i’m forming good relationships with ppl on my tribe. i think we all get along rly well so i hope we keep winning. the challenge was fun and i slayed bc i’m skinny mwah

Ya know what’s refreshing? Being on a tribe that actually wins!!! The last three games I’ve played I’ve been on flop ass starting tribes.

Now we’ll lose every challenge

10 minutes later

This sickening bitch just found a hidden immunity idol!!!! Good until f6 L A D I E S!!!!!!

HI BARBS SO I WAS GROUNDED SO I MISSED THE CHALLENGE BUT MY HUFFLEPUFF BABS SLAYED SM SO IM LIVING

CONFESSIONAL 2.1 —

Not much strategy has happened this episode, just simply tribal bonding! We are SlytherWINNING, getting reward and immunity this time! How wonderful.

Regarding my tribe mates, I love all three. I pray, pray, pray we make swap, i do Noh want to be a dirty bad guy and have to vote one out.. yet. Haha.

I was drunk during immunity, one full glass of rum & coke, so I am shocked that we won immunity. Honestly, I feel silly admitting I was drunk to my tribe because... if I can do that when drunk, imagine if I was sober. Competition Beast, duh.

I also gave up my run this round for the tribe to use. Was partially social, partially I just do not understand how to do the Hunt, so I might as well help the greater good. Either way, it comes off positively.

Hoping for a smooth journey for a little longer!

x nick

Joshue has basically quit at this point so I have no fear going into tribal

[smallblanketfort]

do you have tips on taking notes?

yes!! i have many, so i tried to make it easier for you to navigate :)

L O N G post ahead of you, covering lecture notes and readings notes, from a college senior :)

lecture notes:

i suggest using a notebook and pen, physically writing down. it’s easier to study, and since it’s using your body, you have a much higher retention rate on your side than if you use a laptop.

i have used my laptop for taking notes before. it’s easier to take more notes, word for word, but that’s not always helpful. maybe that’s your style, especially if you enjoy rewriting your notes all pretty and more successfully when you get home. i am not that girl. 

more notes does not always equal better! it’s good for you to listen actively, selecting what is important and what is not. i take very thorough notes. i take a lot of notes. if you need notes for a missed class, i. am. your. girl. that doesn’t mean i write out everything word for word. selecting details, clauses, and images really helps me to not only keep up, but also to memorize later. plus, when you’re typing, it’s easier to type all the words out without really processing the whole meaning. remember that dense notes are harder to study

finally, when you write by hand, you can get more creative with your style. occasionally, i’ll web notes out from one, rather than a traditional outline, bc it makes more sense for the topic

it also helps my anxiety! so much! if i force myself to take great in depth notes, then my mind has to dedicate more brain space to the task at hand than to my anxieties.

stick to one of these though. it really sucks to get into a test and realize you didn’t study half of your notes bc you forgot half were on your laptop. it’s awful lol.

if you use a laptop, get used to how it works first. do u know how much i resent trying to switch from a bullet that is under other bullets (like this one, not filled in) to a main point bullet (the ones filled in). it can be so confusing. also make sure you use a program you like. you can take directly into documents, but i find that i really love evernote, as i can make notebooks for classes, stacks of notebooks for my college, and that i can tag notes with specific classes and topics.

if you’re on paper, for fuck’s sake, divide your notebook into sections for classes. keep it all together. those notebooks with handy dandy dividers are so helpful, and they keep you from carrying around 5 notebooks at once.

i wouldn’t worry too much about highlighters and such in class. there’s just so much going on then. save highlighting and color coding for later, and count it as studying.

don’t worry about traditional outlining styles, with roman numerals or whatever. i take notes very simply. bullets/dashes, subnotes under a broad note. 

do it how it makes sense to you! maybe that includes different bullet styles, different places for different types of information (on a simple level, i start writing chapter numbers and titles as far to the left as i can go, over the margins, in bold and capital letters. i also usually go over these later in a certain color marker)

in some classes it is helpful for me to write the topic along the top of the page in a highlighter (color coding is lovely) the main idea/topic for each page. the classes this was most obviously helpful in were astronomy (COMETS or BLACKHOLES etc) and shakespeare (MUCH ADO ACT 2 or ROMEO etc)

it’s easiest to just note page numbers of referenced complex diagrams, as they are usually in your reading or accessible online

your style might look different in each class. whatever works.

note everything (everything) your professor writes on the board. if it’s important enough for your professor to write it, it’s probably important enough for you to write it.

note examples only if it’s helpful for your memory. however, make light note of things like famous people and their science/psych experiments. but in math and such, note! the! examples! and! reasons! will help you so much.

examples that have emotion, imagery, or sound are going to be more helpful. applicable examples are most helpful. good professors will lecture you accordingly. lazy ones will not.

star anything that the professor stresses or hints will be tested. anything that they say is a major theme or whatever.

note main ideas/points/themes, definitions, conclusions, 

use your tests to help you figure out what you need to know. ask questions about the tests too. in every class i’ve taken, i’m totally shocked at how willingly people ask about exam format and how willingly the professor will tell us how it will work. they want you to succeed.

people learn differently! i suggest taking notes in class and later adding touches that help you. count it as study time too. a warm up, if you will. 

if you’re visual, this might include highlighting, color coding, drawing diagrams, etc.

 if you’re an auditory learner, reading the notes out loud and organizing them accordingly, as well as making up rhymes, rhythms and such, might help you. some auditory learners actually like to record lectures and listen to them later. 

if you learn best through movement, rewriting or making flashcards will be great for you.

sometimes professors go really. fuckin. fast. why. idk? but

dont be afraid to ask them to go back a slide bc i guarantee, you will be the class hero for asking

develop a little bit of shorthand. sometimes i end up using initials, arrows, abbreviations… this is where i got “bc” and “thru” and “u” and such. lol. also, list things vertically, rather than using commas and “and/&/+) it’ll be more clear later

some professors you literally cannot take notes on. it sucks. you’re going to need to do the readings and pick their brains on how the test will be to figure out how to prepare. take home tests are your best friend. thank god for them. seriously. get your butt to church and do some worshipping.

if your professor puts powerpoints online, save the powerpoints, ya never know.

look at inspiration if you want, but remember that notes on studyblr are usually copied from class notes. if you’re too focused on how pretty your notes are, good luck to you

finally, the day before an exam, i review my notes that i have (hopefully) been studying. i like to make a one page cheat sheet / study guide on everything i didn’t remember, leaving out everything i understand, memorized, or want to disregard. 

reading notes:

ima be real and tell you i hardly ever do reading unless i will be tested on it in class in multiple choice. and im an english student. ye i suck, i know. i dont condone shirking the system but u know what, reading shakespeare or 18th century lit literally makes me want to kill myself. so, im a senior in college, and have barely ever done the reading for a class. the thing is, if you do it right, anything is better than just reading the words on the page and not getting the meaning. dont be a reading zombie. read actively, even if it’s not the actual reading. doing this, i have a 3.9 gpa. so. there’s hope for us yet.

first of all, yall need to do your damn reading. idc how. but due to the fact that a test will be multiple choice, essay answer, a presentation, or a paper, you’re going to not love pulling nothing out of your ass. can be done tho. just be fake deep.

that being said, i’m writing a lot below, but the reality is that if it’s lit, your notes dont have to be longer than a sentence. if it’s a textbook, more.

the same formatting question comes into play here, except it’s should you take notes in your book or in a notebook?

listen i’m always going to be pro notebook, pro physically writing it out as it helps me really get the information into my head, rather than more passively highlighting

i tend to do both, if im willing to mark up a book. i underline and highlight things that stick out to me, and i write them down as well. sometimes when reading literature/essays, if i know the contextual/meaning notes will be interesting to me later, i will copy notes both into my notebook and also less in depth onto post it notes (which also make sweet little flashcards btw), which i will stick into the passage. this is so helpful when a) im reading it again later and b) when we are discussing a passage in class

buy used books. it’s cheaper. until it happens to u, u do NOT UNDERSTAND how EXCITING it is to get a book that has highlights and underlines in it ALREADY. DUDE. my work is basically DONE for me. now take that lightly, bc often different ppl will highlight different pieces of information. however, it is helpful.

look up summaries. do not simply rely on cliffsnotes and sparknotes, esp since professors are very aware of these. google “title of book, summary, chapter notes, whatever youre looking for” and use the blog posts, the book reviews, the papers that come up. does this method probably take a bit longer? maybe? but it’s easier on my tired brain.

if you don’t have time to read your textbook one day and really want to, read the introduction and the conclusion to the chapter, or the first and last sentences to the paragraphs. it’s not great, but it’s something.

like your lectures, note definitions, conclusions, and helpful examples, as well as people and dates. if i’m reading literature and i’m deciding to be a smart student i will keep several logs as well. these logs will make it so. easy. to study for your exam:

updated character lists, including name, relationships, and anything defining and important

scene/chapter summaries, just a sentence summarizing what happened where

any quotes or themes that stand out

i highly highly highly recommend getting your hands on a copy of the well educated mind for note taking on a range of genres. this is what i had to use through high school and while it’s involved, it’s incredibly helpful.

if you’re going to have to cite your notes, note the page number in the margin every time you flip the page

the biggest issue i have with reading is when and where to do it. before or after class? always ask your professor if they do not tell you. where in your notebooks? i always do it on the next blank page bc leaving space stresses me the fuck out. make notes on the top of your pages of corresponding lectures/readings. 

for both lectures and readings i really really really suggest either having something to drink or something to snack on (think fruit, loose nuts, m&ms. small loose things rather than things u bite? idk they just last longer?)

okay i hope this was somewhat helpful even tho it’s an incredibly longwinded post. it seems like a lot, but the reality is that while i take a lot of notes, i don’t make them complicated, i don’t have rules, i just do what feels right in the moment. they’re not at all stressful. just take it easy and do whatever works for you :) 

if anyone has other tips, feel free to reply :)

[rospeaks]

not!fic: myriad of subtleties

@firebyfire @silverynight -- so milarca ( @gramanderlove ) and i saw your post on grindelwald/newt, where newt falls in love with grindelwald!graves without realizing who it is he’s in love with until it’s too late! it gave us a lot of feels and is truly lovely

READ ORIGINAL POST HERE

we ended up thinking about how the story might continue, and ended up with some gramander and crying in the end. (very sorry if gramander is not yall’s thing, but the ending for yall’s thread was just so sad!)

Anyway, behind the cut: approx 4k words of Newt/Graves with background of Grindelwald/Newt with obsessive!Grindelwald)

M: I want Newt to be a wreck. I want Grindelwald to try and comfort him and he just screams at him. Because it's been too long and he wants to leave. he knows it's a miracle he's still alive and he knows he should be complacent - an obedient little pet - but surely...... if Grindelwald loved him then he would let him go?

R: God like. If they got attacked and Grindelwald just took Newt's suitcase, shoved it in his arms, told him to run.

"You're letting me go?" Newt asks, wonderingly

"Not even a little," Grindelwald says darkly. "I'll find you again. You'll never be rid of me, not that easily."

(M: That's a perfect way to 'end' it. Let Newt go but let him know he'll never be free of him. he checks up on him occasionally, Sends him messages. It drives Newt nuts, to near insanity or sickness. He wished he'd never stepped foot in America, for all the good it's done him)

R: Also, the awful taunt that comes with passing the real Percival Graves on the street (the wizard is sans memories, sans everything that made him Director, and though Newt aches at the sight of his face, a few day's observation makes it abundantly clear that the man that Newt loves is not the one he is watching now.)

M: Oh no.... so Newt was in love with the Graves Grindelwald made him out to be and not what the real Graves was actually like?

R: The base is there, I imagine. There's the potential. Perhaps under the right circumstances, in the right moment, something might spark between Newt and the original Graves. But the things that made Newt love him were the things that Grindelwald did. The focus, the longing, the way he seemed to care singularly about Newt's concerns.

M: Maybe Newt would want to keep his distance, but then there's also a drive in him that tells him, but what if they could make it work?)

It just hurts for Newt so much. The crushing weight of falling for someone and having the rug pulled out from under him. He wouldn't trust anyone for a long time

The agony of knowing the dark wizard is watching him would taint everything he did. Until Grindelwald was killed and even then it would hurt Newt because even tho he's a mass murderer, Newt loved him once, and it twists at his heart and makes him feel positively ill at the thought, but it happened and he can't go back in time and change it

R: Newt and Graves fuck once without exchanging names. Graves does it, he imagines, because he finds Newt attractive in some way, which is heartening. Newt does it for less savory reasons. He does it to see if he can fuck Grindelwald out of him, does it to spite Grindelwald—let Graves have this first, let Graves trespass where Newt has not allowed Grindelwald to even imagine. It's agony.

Afterward, Graves sits up from the bed, lights a smoke at the window, looks over Newt's sweaty heaving body with eyes that are so dark that Newt is afraid that he's been tricked again—that surely this is just Grindelwald once more, hiding behind a familiar face and teasing Newt with freedom.

"Do you..." Graves begins. Then stops. Licks over the front of his teeth. He rephrases it into a statement, rather than a question. "You know me, from before."

M: Newt looks so dark and bitter

R: Newt avoids his stare. "What makes you say that?" he says, but cannot avoid the ugly twist of his mouth. Of course he would get caught out. Of course.

"You don't kiss like a stranger," Graves says.

"But," Graves adds, finally breaking off his stare to grind the stub of his cigarette into the windowsill. "That said, you didn't seem to be kissing me either, so perhaps you didn't know me at all."

Newt wants to spit out that Graves has no idea how right he is. He wants to shout that Graves has no idea what name he almost said when he came.

The name he had to swallow back and smother into the sheets.

Regardless, Graves does not seem to care, and why would he—living like he is, on the fringes of Europe’s wizarding society, aware of Grindelwald's name and politics but not how deeply he's connected to Graves' past.

Graves waves a hand at the pile of their clothes on the floor, and without a word, Newt's items separate and fold themselves, suddenly clean with a silent scourgify. Graves casts his own clothing to a little hamper and hikes his low slung sleep pants higher as he wanders into the kitchen nook.

"There's a shower if you want it,” he says. “Breakfast too. You can stay, but whatever it was that happened last night, it won't happen again." and then months pass where Newt just lives with Graves, learning him in ways that he never did Grindelwald.

M: Newt staring at Graves with dark eyes all the time, trying to see something of the Graves he once knew. Maybe getting a glimpse of it sometimes. Then Graves starts to warm to him—this strange man who stumbled into his life rambling about dark wizards and dark secrets—despite himself

Because Newt is still fundamentally himself, if more hardened around the edges. But he survived WWI and he can survive this. His eyes are a little dimmer but his will to live and survive and thrive is fierce

He stays with Graves in his little shack somewhere in Europe, on the edges of society. He's not sure if he'll ever be ready to go back. Newt is perfectly happy hanging around. He never liked the city anyway, and now he has even more reason to hate it. And as Graves gets more and more attached to the man who gets the groceries and keeps house and maybe starts a garden while tending to his creatures, the thought of going back to work in New York at MACUSA gets even more absurd.

And Newt follows Graves' lead where intimacy is concerned. He knows he's the interloper here. Graves didn't ask for any of this. But then, Newt himself hardly had any say in falling for a dark wizard when he was in disguise as a charming man of the law. It's all so complicated and confusing, it makes him cry sometimes. Great heaving sobs that leave him feeling part empty and part cleansed. He walks and explores the land around the house. He disappears for days and weeks at a time but always comes back. He always comes back. And sometimes Graves goes to the village and fucks a pretty, willing girl, but he can't forget the softness of Newt's body or the pretty way he cried out when the pleasure was too much.

And he starts to like it when Newt comes back. He finds himself waiting for him and he knows it's insane to get attached but there's just something about Newt that clings to him like honey. The boy is sweetness and light and as the months go on he can't help but see that, see the light return somewhat to his eyes. He helps with Newt's creatures and Newt appreciates him but tries not to get attached himself..... but they both know deep down that it's too late for that. If Graves didn't want him there he would have shoved him out the front door and yelled at him to never come back. But he didn't.

R: Graves can tell that Newt has been burned by previous lovers. The way that Newt looks at him but also flinches away from him... it's telling. Worse still is the way that Newt is aware of himself, actively seems to fight his own instinct.

He tries to gentle Newt. Soft touches telegraphed early are accepted easily. They have Newt melting into his palm, even when they both know that Graves has no intention of giving him anything further.

"Why don't you tell me about him?" Graves says one evening.

Newt plays dumb. He does that a lot. "Who?"

"The one who hurt you so badly."

Newt's mouth does that twist again, that tight lipped grimace that says more than Newt's words ever will. "He was a lot like you," he says. "And very different from you, at the same time."

So Newt tell Graves about Grindelwald, in the vaguest of terms possible. No names. No physical description at all, where he can help it . Newt's never let himself think of Grindelwald in this way, if he's honest with himself—like an ex-boyfriend, an old lover, like someone that used to know and adore him.

He's always tried to put Grindelwald very firmly into the category of liar, abuser, betrayer, murderer. It had never been enough to help Newt resolve himself about how his gut wrenched every time he even half acknowledged what he felt for Grindelwald.

Graves nods in all the right areas, but does not comment. A part of Graves is very worried that the man Newt is speaking of was him—the him that he'd been before he'd lost his memories. Because there are times when Newt looks at him, looks at Graves' face and seems confused.

What if he was this man that Newt talks about, what if he's the reason for this pain?

The first kiss they have after... after everything... is almost apologetic.

Graves, fingertips trembling against Newt's jaw, whispers, "You're welcome here, for as long as you like."

As if Newt has not already stayed for half a year.

"This can be your home too," Graves says, as if Newt has not already started taking over part of the kitchen to help prepare the food for his creatures. As if they don't share a bed or meals or quiet moments in between. Newt wonders at this, at the frightened hopefulness in Graves' demeanor and it’s hard echo in Newt's bones.

Perhaps this is the fundamental difference between Graves and Grindelwald. They both love Newt. They both care for him. Ground down to the essentials, they even have some of the same mannerisms, the same turns of speech. The way they look at Newt, startlingly similar, every time. Graves is as capable as Grindelwald at killing in the name of a cause he believes in. But where Grindelwald held fast to his possession of Newt, denied him escape at every turn, Graves sees Newt's hesitation and simply nods.

"He'll come after me," Newt explains. "I wouldn't want you to get hurt."

"It's okay," Graves says. "You don't have to tell me why."

"But it's true—he's—"

Graves holds up a hand to stave off further excuses. "It's okay," he stresses. Cups Newt's cheeks, kisses him softly. "Run if you have to, but know that you can always come back here if you need to."

Newt runs—for thousands of miles, through dozens of countries.

For months, for a year—for three years.

He doesn't write to Graves, does his best not to think of him even. He keeps abreast of what Grindelwald has been up to in Europe, but even halfway around the world, he never truly feels free of him. He's certain that Grindelwald has had some way of keeping an eye on him all this time.

The war gets worse. There's talk that Dumbledore will eventually duel him.

Before then, Newt risks a final trip back.

A part of him wants to look Grindelwald in the eye before watching the other wizard lose everything. In truth, he just wants to come home.

Graves' home is obliterated.

The slim shack remains a half-standing pile of rickety boards, stripped of anything valuable by raiders. The little garden that Graves had so carefully fostered was a black scorch. Everything that Newt had come to associate with warmth and happiness, with love, had been utterly and ruthlessly cut down to the foundations.

He searches for signs—anything that might tell him what happened. The feel of dark magic is strong in the air, but there are no bones, no body—not even a blood stain on the concrete. Newt's grateful for what little hope that gives him, but with it comes a fresh wave of anxiety. What if Grindelwald had found Graves, captured him again? What if Grindelwald was, at this very moment, torturing him? Or—and this Newt thought was the most likely—erasing Graves' memories again, removing every happy moment he'd had with Newt from his mind? 

What if Graves really is... dead?

Newt spends the next month fighting alongside the Ministry with grief as his fuel. He never should have left. Even with Grindelwald on his tail, Newt should have savored every last moment he could wring out of Graves' life before it was snatched away from them. Who knows how much longer they might have had? A year, a month? Even a single day would have been worth fighting for. There's much to be done. Muggles that need protecting. Followers of Grindelwald that need to be subdued. Newt finds himself very busy indeed.

At one point, he's achingly aware of how close they are to Grindelwald's headquarters. Grindelwald is somewhere in this city. The awareness makes Newt a tad sloppy, especially after a week of working with little sleep.

He slips, nearly falls off the edge of a building. Someone catches him. It's Graves, handsome as the day that Newt left him.

"Darling," Graves says sweetly, all crooked smile and charm.

Horror dawns on Newt's face.

"I told you that you'd never be rid of me."

As soon as Newt is back on his feet, he jerks away from Grindelwald. "What did you do to him?"

Grindelwald's smile broadens. "Him?"

"You know who I'm talking about! Percival Graves! Where is he? Did you kill him?"

Grindelwald dismisses Newt's questions with a wave. "He doesn't matter anymore. You had your dalliance and I allowed it. Consider it a gift."

Newt lashes out without thinking—slaps his hand hard across Grindelwald's face. The mask Grindelwald wears melts away—dark hair giving way to blonde, Graves' features easting subtly into Grindelwald's natural features. He looks much older than Newt remembers.

"Now, darling," he coaxes.

"Shut up!" Newt hisses, casting a hex that gets blocked. "I am not—" another hex, "your—" another, "DARLING!"

Rage boils over Grindelwald's face. He raises his wand—the elder wand—and Newt freezes, afraid.

A snap of magic sounds at Newt's elbow. A second snap behind Grindelwald. Newt gets the impression of Dumbledore's face as he confronts Grindelwald before Newt's suddenly swept away in a side-along apparition.

Newt sags in his rescuer's hold, relieved at being free of Grindelwald's presence.

Grindelwald's aura, his magic, everything about him had pressed in on Newt from all sides. Impossible to escape, and now he's on his own again and glad for it.

“So, that's him, huh?"

Newt shakes his head, clearing it of his dizziness. "What?"

"Your previous lover," his rescuer says. "I don't think I ever would have guessed Grindelwald, even if you had told me that he'd worn my face."

Newt looks up sharply, eyes widening as he takes in black robes with dragon leather vest-guard underneath. And then—Oh, Graves' face, softened with affection.

"I thought you might be dead," Newt whispers.

"I'm sorry," Graves says. "I would have told you, had I known you were here."

Newt shakes his head. He doesn't care that Graves hadn't known. It only matters that he is alive, that he is well, that he's here. He throws his arms around Graves' neck and hugs him tightly, kissing his ear and then his cheek and then his mouth with tearful happiness.

"Your house was destroyed," Newt says.

"I'll build a new one," Graves tells him.

"Your garden was burned."

"It can be replanted."

Newt nods, kisses Graves again—chaste and sweet. "Take me with you," he says. "Please."

Graves smiles, rests their foreheads together. "As if I would have you anywhere else."

("And my creatures, of course," Newt adds, more quietly, still crying. Graves laughs, "Of course, of course. Dougal can help with the garden.")

THE END

[composeregg]

There’s been a notable uptick in hate going around lately and oh boy am I pissy. Especially since all this hate is mainly focused on Josh, and his relationship with Neku most times. And all of it I’ve seen has been used to try and promote a different ship (mainly NekuShiki, sometimes BeatNeku), so I’m gonna just go off and say some stuff here.

First: Ship bashing. you don’t need to fucking bash a character to try to support your own ship. That’s just fuckin rude and distasteful, gtfo. BeatNeku is a wonderful ship, so is JoshNeku, so is JoshBeat, I’m kinda meh on NeShiki because 95% of the shippers I’ve encountered have vehemently hated Josh, also it’s a bit het for me, and EriShiki is 500% better imo. You do you tho, as long as you don’t bash other ships to support your own.

Second: On Joshua. A lot of what I see says how horrible the fandom is for reducing Josh and Neku to gay stereotypes, meanwhile, these people will go on and fucking on about how Josh is a manipulative abusive fuckhead who deserves nothing. Hows that for stereotyping and reducing a beautiful complex character to like two character traits?

Now, I’m a Josh rper, I’ve been here since 2014, building my hcs for Josh, looking through the game, and he’s an enigma, a mystery that is fun to dig into, so I have some complex ideas for this complex character.

Josh was a fucking shithead, yes. He manipulated Neku in the Long Game, killed him to be his Proxy, did everything he fucking could to get Neku to hate his guts, and then he put a gun in Neku’s hands and said “if you don’t shoot me I will destroy shibuya.” Because he fucking wanted Neku to shoot him.

Josh was canonically depressed, misanthropic to the core because of isolation and disappointment. He hated himself, he was poisoning Shibuya, and the two choices he had were to Erase himself to stop the poison from spreading, or have someone replace him. He picked Neku as his replacement, and as a small chance that maybe things could get better.

He did not expect to come out of that duel (metaphorically) alive. Every single thing he did was to get Neku to shoot him, but in the end they bonded, Joshua was someone that Neku related to more than the others, because they shared the same world-view. This is literally stated within the game, how Neku and Josh are so similar, and how they bonded over misanthropy.

Joshua is clever and cunning, and he used that to his advantage, because you’re not going to care about how someone might look back on you and think about you if you don’t plan to be around. Neku didn’t shoot, Josh had a “change of heart” because Neku, the most misanthropic person in Shibuya besides himself, who he tried to get to hate him as much as Josh hated himself, proved Shibuya could still change, while also being the one person In Joshua’s existence who valued his survival as more than the city, Hanekoma tried to get Josh replaced with Sho, and Hanekoma was his father figure (imo), a person he could trust, until now.

So Josh and Neku meeting up after the game? First off Josh is afraid to, because he doesn’t deserve Neku in his life. But Neku invited him, Neku wants to know why Josh did all that he did. Josh would be hyper-aware of his actions against Neku, of the power imbalance between them. 

so, third: On JoshNeku alone. This ship does not happen without major struggle, without more character development and long hard talks. They have a shit tone of Issues to work through, from Josh’s manipulation, the power imbalance, both of their mental states because holy fuck they’re both kinda fucked up. Josh would never be the one to initiate anything, he keeps it back, on low, because it’s not his place, Neku needs to make the decision to go forward with their relationship because Neku is the one he has hurt so much. You cannot smooth over everything and make it lovey-dovey and happy, they have issues, and that’s part of the appeal of it. They grow together, work through it all, figure out how they might be part of each other’s life, and that dynamic is wonderful. Ship with conflict and a strong dynamic are fun, appealing, and that is where I find  the interest, because that development is necessary.

Four: On shippers and shipping. Almost every single joshneku shipper I know is well aware of this dynamic, of all the issues, and we definitely do not ignore them, or sideline them for other stuff. But we also like to indulge in the fun parts, overplay silly stereotypes and the one-dimensional character portrayals of the fandom, because it’s ridiculous, it’s for laughs, it’s light-hearted, and it’s enjoyable. We’re allowed to do this silly stuff and have fun with our ship, because we understand it, and we don’t need to fucking show that context, three pages of background on how they worked through their issues and got together, or write up an essay on every post acknowledging the problematic parts of the ship, whenever we want to post something less serious.

Those of you out there are constantly fucking saying that we ignore all the problematic parts of the ship, that we only play up stereotypes or over-simplify the characters, and you are literally shitting all over the shippers. You people out there are saying that we are horrible for shipping such a ship, how awful we are for ignoring all this stuff, when we don’t, at all. You are attacking shippers, instead of giving reasonable criticism about the ship. I am not here to force you to ship Joshneku, but I am fucking fed up over being attacked by yall again and again.

A bit ago, to someone who posted hate that I saw on mobile in the tag, I went “hey do you think it’s possible you could take measures to keep it out of the mobile search results because seeing hate for my ship is never fun you understand?” to which they called that anon hate, fought with my friend over it, and repeatedly emphasized how we should just learn to skip over some posts and how they don’t as to see the ship in the main tag (you know, a perfect comparison to a ship tag /s. I’m fucking pissed with twewy hate in the twewy tag, I’d be pissed it if Like NekuShiki and saw hate in that tag, because that’s not what the tag is for). 

and my fifth point would be over neku and shiki but I’m not going to get into that because I keep the discussions about ships I’m not fond of to chats with friends, and like I said, I’m not here to persuade anyone to ship my ship, or to not ship their ship, cuz that’s just mcfuckin rude. I don’t go around posting about how much I dislike my notp all the goddamn time, so I’m sure you guys can manage!

SO, don’t like it? I don’t fucking care! Just keep your fucking hate out of the tag and we’ll be good! Stop shitting on a character to support your own stuff! 

I’m done ranting. This will probs be the only shit I say about this and I don’t plan on getting into a huge-ass fight with those posting hate. I just had to vent.

 Egg out.

[jcdamc]

Creating different support systems: healthier spaces and trusting other families (PART 1) EDITED

A couple days ago, my homegirl/ sista in the struggle Candy made me think about something that has troubled me for years, as an adult and as a man of color with a disability that on one hand, has had the support of an overprotective yet loving family; and on the other hand has had years of experience being independent and self- sufficient. Both scenarios have pros and cons, but the truth is they can both burn you out in different ways. As a proud man of color with a physical disability, I have often struggled when it comes to asking for help, especially when I really need it. With immediate family and chosen family or close friends the same issue comes up: Who, how and when do we ask for support if most of us have been socialized to believe that we only have one main support group (which is usually your blood family)?

Here are a few answers I have from experience, people around me and recent questions I`ve been asked....

My immediate family has done the best they can to raise me right, the best way they knew. I`ve let them know that and am eternally grateful, from my parents to my siblings to my cousins. My father always taught me that as I grew older I had to build an extended support network or family, because you never knew what could happen in life, personally or professionally. Throughout my school and even grad school years I had great associates and some good friends, no doubt. I even had a Hip Hop and BBoy crew that made me feel at home in college. We would help each other out, my boys would give me a ride home if it was late (or I had a lil too much fun lol) and my homegirls and their sense of humor would be the ones pushing me to study, focus and stay up to finish homework at the library many times.

In grad school, I had one true mentor that always kept it real with me and was genuinely supportive and made time for me in his busy schedule as a professor. My big brother figure, STOVE. He was the first brotha to show me how to navigate schools, balance life and how to deal with the workplace in the city in a healthier way. Till this day, STOVE still break it down in a way I can understand, where he doesn`t make me feel guilty for my choices and it`s easy for me to digest his advice. He don`t have to get all technical with me, he is clear, passionate and he listen to me whenever I`m going through something. STOVE and my cousins RodStarz- a community activist, organizer and hip hop artist raised on the north side of Chicago- Nano and Julito, were the big brothers I never had. At different points of my life, I could talk about anything and just chill, kick it with my cousins, no judgment. I guess what I`m trying to say is that depending on your circumstances, a support group could be one person or a group of folks closest to you.

My support system has revolved around my parents, women in my family and women close to me, in my social circles. I get along better with women, have way more female friends (which I have discussed before). In part, it`s natural because I was the only boy in my family. And the only one with a disability. On the other hand, aside from my male cousins, STOVE and my mentee Pharaoh, I have trust issues with most men in my generation. Getting along is one thing, but being friends and opening up is a whole notha ball game y`all.  

My folks and siblings moved around a lot before I was born. Once my folks settled in IL, in the Chicago area, I was a year and a half old. My dad wanted me to get consistent professional help since many Chicago hospitals and therapy centers was known to have real good service in the mid 80`s.  My family and friends of the family (aka adoptive/ chosen family) where real supportive, influential and caring as I grew during my childhood and even adulthood. My momma was involved in my school activities, back in the day when they used to cram every student that had a disability (or might have been misdiagnosed or labelled) in one special ed classroom. We had basic accommodations but no real community supports. This just was before the ADA was passed. Many of us adults with disabilities today are a product of that, consciously or unconsciously.

My family did their best like I said. I have a mixed cultural background, born in the Midwest, bilingual with South American and Caribbean roots, a city guy fighting to be proud, to stand out in a good way. I have lived in and learned from a few different places like Santiago, Chile during my teenage years, yet I always managed to come back to Chicago where my heart is.  I am blessed and thankful to be here, despite having racing thoughts sometimes. I`m much older, continue learning and need and want to find my swag again. It`s up to me. My folks can listen and support what I do. My father hugs me more often, he is wise and my momma always been there through thick n thin, mixing her affection and her tough love all together. They have, despite disagreements and misunderstandings. But I am crying out for help on this new journey, because I also feel like I`m on a big ass island by myself, even when it`s a party around me.

Fast forward... It wasn`t until 2011 that my life and thoughts shifted forever. It was hard to forgive and fully support myself on my own. I was more of a loner just going through the city till then. And I wanna thank everybody that was a part of that change in me. It was a REBIRTH that made see and understand Chicago much better. Yall made me a better and much more mature person, yall made me look in the mirror and accept compliments and my body and feel good about it. Too many folks to name, yall will always be with me in my heart. From 2011 till present day, I`ve built alternative support networks, helped facilitate large events, made great friends, organized and mobilized young people that needed and still seek just as much support and compassion as I do. Most importantly, I improved not only my professional skills, but my relationship building skills and had and still have strong friendships and associates within and outside the disability community. Yall were my angels in some way. Although the last few years have been pretty rough on me, I am finding my way. I will be working on a book of poems and lost poems. My poems are the real me, beyond the boxes, where I can be healthy and not be policed by nobody, where God loves disability, where God love people of color and God love who you all love. I am learning to love myself, yes I am. It`s hard as hell.... Without the support of my brothers and sisters and my cousins in and out the Chi, I wouldn`t BE Here, I wouldn`t be the ME I am TODAY. Y`all will forever be my family too.

It`s really important to find and keep your chosen families and support groups close.... remember that. If not, it might cost you later on... How can I heal when other people close to me are burnt out emotionally or financially? Or some don`t know how or when to have healthy conversations about mental illness and disability? Or when tough love or fussing or cussing each other out is all they have known most of their lives? What happens when you yourself have several things to deal with already, and you have to witness drama or arguments every day? What happens when you are an advocate, and you in the middle of all this, living it today? And YOU need HELP beyond this bullshit ass system?

A lotta things ain`t my business today or ever, only my story and my will to support myself and others in the struggle DOES matter. Passing judgment and blame like a hot potato ain`t neva helped nobody, it sure as hell ain`t helped me. Takes time to change that... 

Struggles look different person to person, the issue is when you don`t know somebody, when we don`t TRUST or bond with somebody through their STRUGGLE. Being raised right doesn`t always mean we are all raised the same way. Don`t judge a book by its cover. Read its story. 

Honest to God, we need to have a huge peace circle within AND outside the disability community... because not everybody that has a disability or mental illness has had proper support systems or knows how to deal with their reality in a positive way. I`m seeing that every day, and it`s real awkward and uncomfortable. The (original) support system that I have had is barely staying afloat on its own today regarding their health, in part because some people don`t know what to do to change things and due to a huge generational gap in the way some families of color treat each other when it comes to xyz disability, mental illness or any other health conditions. There is a lack of patience and compassion among the same generation at times. It`s a “culture of blame” because 50 years ago talking about your health and disabilities equaled shame or being “sick” all the time. And to some extent, that culture of blame or silence creates unhealthy relationships and psychological issues from head to toe, and many people are not aware of that. It`s done unconsciously in part because of the effects of ableism. Exposure or lack of exposure changes everything, because that`s the difference between knowing how to help and helping without knowing. Love was caring with a tough shell 50 years ago, especially in some families and cultures of color where holding feelings in was real common.    

I grew up around elders, with one foot in a ableist society and the other foot in the disability community, and I ain`t realize it till my late 20`s.... Gotta keep helping myself heal. One foot told me it`s something wrong with me, the other one taught me I`m beautiful just the way I am. I realize I cannot help everybody, not even my loved ones in general, if I am not supporting or hugging myself first.        

People are people, and nobody, regardless of disability or age or ethnicity, should be feeling like they are a constant burden or isolated, not even myself. As of right now, I can only support and save myself writing every single day, through the power of music and my prayers, for my own sanity. I have enough tryna shut my mind up so I can breathe and listen to God. I refuse to deal with or let other people`s headaches get to me. I am also doing what I can, thankful and humbled. We all need to express support and show up when help is WANTED, not just say it. Takes time.

The problem ain`t people that need help, the issue is people that need healthy supports but don`t WANT THE HELP because they proud, ignorant or just plain scared. It`s hard to ask for help when you might be so used to being the one helping others or the one that is independent to a fault or the giving one...

One of my siblings told me, “You might not have abc right now... but all you got is you. Do you and don`t be worrying about other people” She right. Sometimes, after hearing the same message in different ways and from different people that care, ish finally sink in G.   

My writing and my music are my babies. Lately, writing and my jams are more like a punching bag and I`m Ali. I`ve cussed, talked trash, been disappointed in the system and fussed enough. Yes, I like many more, desperately need to find or strengthen other/ different and kinder support groups within our complicated lives. Support networks where we value ourselves as individuals with disabilities and/or mental illnesses, where we become more patient with ourselves, and more importantly where we find healthier outlets. We might not understand everything, but we damn sure need to listen better and TREAT ourselves with much more love. 

You`d be surprised how many folks in our community need just one person to talk to, because they want attention, because they are severely depressed, have anxiety, are shut down or because they themselves feel like they live on a island too. Kindness and patience starts with ourselves, and it`s these things that an ableist society makes way too hard for people with disabilities and mental illness to see. Fight self- pity and self- hate or lashing out and realize that you do matter. That`s a start to support yourself and your brothers and sisters, and families. Disability pride is a important part of us individually and as a community. Breathe, be kind, be patient and pray. Too many of us have been conditioned by society to worry, to lynch ourselves, instead of having confidence and building on it. We all gotta get that swag back. It might not look pretty at times, but we gotta have faith AGAIN. 

Part 2 of this Support System blog series will introduce the idea of building a non profit organization for and by people with disabilities to maintain more supportive networks, be more self-aware, self- sufficient  and empowering in their lives and communities starting this year. Something along the lines of “Disability Arts and Education Collective” inspired by my peoples a while ago... in the works. I could always use more help, no doubt.

Over the past 2 to 3 weeks, I have been doing my part, tryna find my rhythm and I gotta do my own, eat my leftover food, maybe even breakdance again, and smile one smile at a time, even if it`s only on the outside at the moment. Hopefully more people will join me.     

Peace and Blessings,

JC Da MC.