#i cant believe i got to see them irl

[regardingjenmish]

AND IF I CRY?! Then what?

[what-is-it-to-be-pk-esque]

My partner finally finished BG3 but has no idea that his ending was actually bad cause he was a pro-Vlaakith githyanki who rode off with Lae'zel but got NO EPILOGUE where Withers points out y'all died im 😭😭😭

they have no idea what happened with Gale or anyone else (who was still alive) after flying away 🙃🙃🙃

[snekdood]

im not gonna say you cant use the n word w a hard r on a almost fully anonymous tumblr account where you claim to be black-

I will say that it makes you 100% more suspicious and worth keeping an eye out on you bc usually its neo nazis pretending to be black that spam saying the n word w an r and use tumblrs weird trust for almost fully anonymous accounts to their advantage to get away w it

you can say it, but, if you Are a neo nazi pretending to be black, I will say, you're not doing a good job of convincing me rn that you actually are.

[lovelyrotter]

STILL feeling like the only fictive on this site whos really fuckin uncomfortable with other fictives talking about generally-to-really-personal shit and *tagging it with ships* like please. please stop. i want to look at davedirk in peace without some random guy running into the room yelling HEY YOURE LOOKING AT ME ACTUALLY. like bro i get it i am also ''a dave'' but im just a fuckin guy first. person first fictive 3rd tbh

[tales-from-the-aether-ttrpg]

Something thats always bugged me about dnd and pathfinder’s gods is that… they are basically monotheism in polytheism wrapping AND there is no actual religion present. The lore is so obsessed with these beings as people with their extensive histories and active presence in the setting that they completely forgot to actually create religions surrounding them.

What does casual worship look like for any of these gods? Could you tell me? What does prayer actually look like? Is there specific times of the day in which you must pray for certain gods? Is there certain attire you must wear to show your faith? Are there certain foods you cannot eat? Are there certain foods that are elevated above the rest for your faith? What kind of offerings are expected everyday? Do they expect offerings everyday or on a certain day of the week? Do they expect physical offerings at all? Do they ask for sacrifices of material goods, animals, people? Why? Why do you worship this deity? How does that actually affect ur daily life? How is worship different for a cleric, paladin, priest, or casual believer? What kinds of swears, curses, exclamations, etc are associated with this religion? Are there certain activities that are banned within your religion? How strictly does the religion police its worshiper’s actions? What kind of philosophies do they preach or disavow?

These and many more are the elements that form real world religions and are absent in most fantasy “religions” including popular ttrpgs. I cant even call these faiths religions because they really arent. One god in these settings should have 20 different religions built around them that all disagree on how the god’s domain, history, and personality should be interpreted. Maybe 2 or 4 of them would be main stream but there should be more than just one monolithic faith surrounding a god. And stop calling it polytheism. Please for the love of everything. Polytheism is a type of religion that worships multiple gods at once. Faith in dnd and pathfinder is largely monotheistic because the players choose one god they like and ignore all the rest.

I am not trying to put the responsibility of creating all these religions on gms - im pointing out that the creators of these ttrpgs did all of us a huge disservice. Religion is such an expansive and fascinating and diverse concept in the real world that it infuriates me to see it reduced to choosing a god you like and thats it. And im agnostic irl!

I was talking to my cowriter about this for the lore in my ttrpg and it got me really rilled up XD Religion can be beautiful or terrible or a mixture of both. It can save people from the world’s darkness or bring out their own inner darkness. It deserves more than a cliff-notes table of deities to choose from and half baked lore about the gods without examining the actual faith they inspire in others :/

[loonfromq]

hey remember the

yeah tht.

so we either have seen three eps of the total genloss saga, or, as i believe, one.

since what we just saw was generation loss: the social experiments. tse. and since that's the only one thats labelled, that must be what we saw. ofc hiccups bc a vhs tape can only have about 2hrs of footage on it, and there were more like four hours of total gl. still! we can only wait and see.

plus. i didn't want to divie up posts again and due to. complications. wont be able to add this to my gl masterpost. so!

nex theory.

see those spike boys?

see the bottom edge of that box? none of that is long enough to actually hurt him.

i mean that might be just so, irl, it wouldn't actually hurt him.

BUT ITS ALSO POSSIBLE

that showfall didn't actually kill him.

he was their hero after all.

they're not going to let him go that easily.

and we've seen w/ sneeg and charlie and such that showfall can fake deaths (or possibly even brings them back(?)) with relative ease.

it wouldn't be a surprise at all if they brought him back without our input.

we've seen before w/ showfall that choice is an illusion

and that we're as much in this game as ranboo is.

(like when i nearly cried myself to sleep last night remembering how b!boo hadn't trusted us with the color codes like we don't see what you see, yes, but we see everything else we understand your predicament you just dont understand ours we saved your life like one, two, three, four times by then maybe mroe we care for you you're our little blorbo we want the best for you even when you cant see our words but lets just forget about that, no,; we're watching this bc you're there no othre reason, if this was really really real we would have got you out by now bc your pain is ours; but no, you can trust the stranger with the masks and cameras and obvious lies, you cant trust youre own fans we literlly know you better than you know yourself WHY CANT YOU EUNDERSTAND)

[tubbytarchia]

jim stream. i tried to keep it short. its not short.

(full server list thanks to martyn streams pinned message: Aimsey, Bekyamon, Fwhip, Lizzie, Mogswamp, Oli, Shelby, Scott, Joel, Sneeg, Jimmy, Guqqie, Sausage, CPK, Eloise, and Martyn)

jimmy logs in and martyns nearby. they almost immediately start calling each other discheads. martyn says that he (himself) is the biggest dischead he knows.

aimsey comes over and ALSO calls them discheads but aimsey believes the holes a donut so they get offended.

aimseys STACKED. 14 hours on the server already. its day 4. jimmy and martyn believe that they just live in the server now. aimsey IRL left a party early to go home and play minecraft.

the server crashed but they knew it was going to so jimmy and martyn just started chanting disc to make sure it was the last word said before the crash. he talks to chat for a bit and he says hes going to build a base today

server restarts and they all rejoin. aimsey kills a horse then combat logs when jimmy and martyn go after them. its really funny since everyone else is in full diamond and jimmys walking around with his stone tools.

jimmy does a mini tour of the disc (just pointing out where things are) and he doesnt stop talking but he does look over at scotts twice. like a double take. which is understandable cuz it looks like this vv

^^ which TECHNICALLY doesnt mean anything. building inside a wall is a common building thing and it does not mean he is referencing any past series. (gritting my teeth)

jimmy decides that he should probably get geared up before doing anything else and goes mining.

HIM AND OLI ARE. STREAMING ELDEN RING TOMORROW. ????? really out of nowhere HES GONNA BE STREAMING ON TWITCH????????????? who is this man. who are u. my twitch streamer. he yearns for twitch emotes. and an among us stream on wednesday WHAT is happening

someone came into chat to tell him that impulse thought he was 30. he got so deeply offended about it. he demanded the chat to tell him that hes 28 then decided to message him HIMSELF "i am 28 years old. and proud. not 30." impulse said something like "close enough" and jimmy is so annoyed about it.

jimmy learns that joel is having a statue built of him. he IS happy about it but he makes a really funny expression for a few moments

hes been digging a staircase down instead of finding caves like a normal person and he finds an underwater cave. he crafts some doors and mines some underwater diamonds......... pro gamer.....

shelby joins and sausage starts. being sausage

olis in chat and jim starts talking to him. he asks if theyre still planning to live together and olis like pushing our minecraft beds together???

his diamond luck is INSANE he just cant stop finding them.

its been like 10 minutes since the 30 thing and hes like HAS IMPULSE MESSAGED ME BACK YET? (he hasnt) hes too scared. jimmy i think ur the only one who cares but its very endearing.

callum cpk has joined the jimmy solidaritygaming polycule. i mean what. jimmy promises he will be back in 2 minutes then finds a massive cave.

(he starts heading back and then finds a mineshaft. i fear they are never seeing each other)

i was joking earlier but WHAT IS HIS DEAL LMAOOOOOO jimmy was like WHY ARE YOU SO DEPENDANT?????? ("is this how joel feels? like what im like to him?" okay. okay)

(i tuned into cpks stream and he is actually doing it. he is slowly getting higher. why does jimmy attract the most insane men)

jimmys talking about tango swag/twag and how its being used and he calls himself a tango stan. he says a tango tangie (like an ethogirl)

jimmy finally gets back. cpk jumps down and survives! it took half his hearts but hes fine enough.

martyn comes over and they start berating cpk for not being a dischead. cpks like i think ur pushing the line of what u can say and theyre both like what? and he just backs down immediately,,,,,,

they go to scotts house just to harass him for being a donut believer. yeah sure why not. jimmy says he doesnt like the sound of scotts composter (it sounds like someones just in your walls all the time) and scott says hes going to build one in jimmys house.

martyn walks off at some point and cpk and jim talk about sausage. ("callum you cant be encouraging it." "i didnt know i was honestly")

jimmy starts making fun of cpk for being a furry. thats rich coming from him. cpk says it back and neither of them properly deny it which means its canon now

they talk about their dogs for a bit and cpk says all his dogs are called jimmy. jimmy gets close to him and is like i knew you were obsessed. this is the first time omgggg and cpks like i cant believe thats true. and jimmys like joels been obsessed. jk its the other way around

cpk decides to move into the disc. atp i think over half the server is living in/around the disc.

martyns here again. theyre trying to fix a waterfall that oli (and sausage?) made thats like. really strangely shaped. they fix it then start running around and start talking about how welsh kirstys accent is (cuz jim tried to do her accent and martyn was like shes more welsh than that and they bicker for a bit) and they run past scott and martyns like oi scott do u think kirstys welsh as anything AND ALL THIS TO SAY SCOTT AGREED WITH JIMMY. BIG NEWS.

he talks to bekyamon. when he asked her what she thinks the hole is she said shes agnostic, which implies the disc/donut thing is a religion. this is furthered by jimmy saying he will respect her beliefs. interesting.

he can hear oli from far away and eventually spots him. his first instinct upon seeing oli is to hide and just start repeating everything oli says. they meet up and talk about how they have done absolutely nothing. they talk about base plans and making a farm better than the one on the other side of the disc wall. oli says "slash neg" out loud

they talk about whos the discheads. jimmy mentions that cpk took some convincing and olis like "we hate a man who challenges authority" im SO scared as to what the disc/donut thing is going to become. they talk to cpk about the disc.

shelby comes over too and shes. shes calling herself the rim lord. frowns. i dont watch either of them very much but i think i need to be scared of the shelby/sausage teamup.

MARTYN HAS GONE TO A TRIAL CHAMBER AND HAS THE ACHIEVEMENT. i tuned into his stream to see and he literally just went close enough for the achievement then left.

jimmy went up to sausages house and listened in on him for a bit. someone in sausages chat calls him a professional minecrafter and hes like "well some may say that. i built all of this without anything on my side monitor" and jimmy just went like ʰᵉˢ ˡʸᶦⁿᵍ

then sausage comes down and they talk. sausage says he was breeding for fwhip for 10 hours last night. cows and sheep of course. hes calling himself the lord of the rim.

IT GETS WORSE. THEY FIND FWHIP. FWHIP IS CALLING HIMSELF THE LEADER OF THE BOWLGE (PRONOUNCED BULGE). THIS CANT KEEP HAPPENING. jimmys like deadpan to sausage Youre the rim lord. and sausage just starts laughing. he cant keep up with his own bit.

jimmy leaves and types the kick command in DEAD silence. freedom at last.

end of stream. lizzie might be joining jim and oli for elden ring. we're so back. new video near the end of the week maybe.

awful

I maintain that I wouldn't be able to bear watching this myself. What is this 12yo humor man I love a lot of these guys so much but what!! What rim lords!! What bulge!!!!!!!!! Where am I is it still 2024

The bit with seapeekay makes me unreasonably angry. Why is he doing this. Why do we keep treating Jimmy as an object of desire and burdening him with things he is not responsible nor owes anyone. What is this "If you dont come to me fast enough, I will kill myself" ultimatum. What the fuck has Jimmy done to deserve this why are half the people like this to Jimmy. I'm going to murder someone. When will he be treated like a person again. When will he break away from the ecosystem. When will he find himself in a relationship of mutual nature again. Angry. Seapeekay I have no faith in you anymore

And grrrr. that thing. That fucking thing Scott is building. And Jimmy taking a double take. My son. My poor son. He's being reminded.

Good on him and Martyn though for going over to Scott's house just to harass him. Sounds dreamy

[bendarius]

I was just thinking, Do you think Ben gf is real? I personally believe it's some kinda of catfish...

Well, it's just that seeing him as straight is just UNIMAGINABLE to me. I know people are saying he can be bi/pan but Camp Cretaceous never gave us ANY possible hint of Ben liking girls... Also, I doubt they would officialize Ben as bi or pan someday. So, if he's not coded as bi/pan or officialized as it, we kind of just got queerbaited :( ?

It is not about he ending or not with someone, the thing is that the whole girlfriend reveal felt just like a way of trying to make the viewer stop doubting about Ben's queerness in general. I say that bc is kinda of obvious fans ALWAYS saw a lot of queerness in his character since the beginning of the first show, and is ingenuity to think they arent aware of the viewers' opinions about Ben...

Ps: I love ur blog so much🙌❤️

i think its clear what i think considering i wrote that fic....and no we didnt get queebaited. that would need the crew to promise that there would be more lgbt and we were never told that. its okay to read them as gay. to be fair staight is still the default but he also wasn't shown to like guys either (subtext isnt proof, didnt drop lines like "i mean i think hes cute") meanwhile darius w the beautiful boy line and how desperate he was to keep ben could be read as some kind of proof. i see him as gay no matter what because him liking girls is unfathomable to me....i seriously dont think he has a gf. if anything it wont last bc why are you long distance dating your first gf...scared of sharing irl moments w her?....

i want to work on the benrius subtext analysis. it makes me feel better that people on the crew actually see it too bc i feel less insane. but again crew art isnt official (thank god bc of that kenji darius yaoi satire) or reflective of the shows plot. itd be great if there was some benrius hint but im fine with just reading into their interactions. ben does feel gay to me in many ways with his identity and feeling comfortable in himself but with that theme its very easy to equate it. im just glad theres room for interpretation due to how he presented his gf. in the end its just abt perception, i think theres a reason who we dont rly learn a lot abt his gf. just cause he says he has one is like.....very much room to think otherwise

and thank you so much! i appreciate it, even though im not as active anymore benrius still has a huge place in my heart and i cant wait for their future interactions for real. ill always love them bc of how much chemistry they have. i like ships that have canon chemistry bc its so much easier to imagine a future w them.....hopefully benrius goes down as one of the most coded gay ships trust

[mischas]

What do you think were the biggest missed opportunities when it came to the OC?

Lol my favorite topic (this is not at all exhaustive)

Not letting Marissa verbalize and process her trauma 1000% forever and ever amen. The show learns by the end of s1 that they can keep hurting her without much recompense. Oliver holds a gun to her head and bamboozles grown ass adults yet she shoulders all of the blame in the aftermath. Christ. Her father MOVES AWAY TO BE A BETTER PARENT BC HE CANT STOP SLEEPING WITH HIS EX? Please. How anyone came up with that and thought that was good writing I will never know. Marissa's SA'ed and nearly r**** by her boyfriend's brother and never says the words out loud or processes it because the shooting looms larger. Disgusting. Back in s1 Luke is more apologetic of his affair than Marissa's own mother is and HE'S the one who has to leave town? which leads me to

Getting rid of Luke made no sense. Instead of making Luke/Julie happen they should've had Luke/Marissa 2.0 happen. There was so much there to mine. Sometimes the show acts like they were a nothing relationship and other times like 109 we see they have deep-rooted love/fondness. Rushing RM (though they're my loves) after their 101-108 slow burn shot them in the foot since they were so uncreative later on. But then again TPTB were so reliant on the actors' mirrored personal lives that I'm convinced if they'd put RM off to s2 they would've butchered them thanks to the irl breakup. (This is still so insane)

Getting rid of Anna also made no sense. She was liked by the gen pop, she had good chemistry with everyone! What a damn waste

Seth/Marissa friendship!!!! It is so cute to think Seth is the one boy in Marissa's life that isn't falling all over her. They share the same music tastes, they have the same favorite book, they grew up privileged + depressed, they're neighbors, they're dating each other's besties, their families have a storied closeness, they've dated the same person, etc. It is SO insane how little they actually interact.

Not exploring the Jimmy/Kirsten dynamic more. I rewatched the pilot a few months ago and the hints to their history are so compelling. I remember thinking their tension was good enough to last several seasons. Cutting that out to uphold the sanctity of SK in s1 ended up being for nothing since s2 messed with SK even worse! So why!

Never utilizing Alan Dale well enough. Not only do they kill him for no reason, his death literally does nothing but give us an iconic coda and funeral scene. That's literally it. Having Caleb around while Kirsten goes to rehab is so much more compelling than having her go after he's died. And making us watch Caleb/Lindsay/Ryan for what seems like half a season is so unbelievably boring and ridiculous. Why are we supposed to care. This is taking away from Kirsten/Caleb material! which brings me to

Never giving Kelly Rowan much to do. What a goddamn waste. She absolutely kills her late s2 arc but then she leaves rehab two minutes into 301 and the Charlotte storyline mostly revolves around Julie. Jesus. People talk about the favoritism going on on that set with the younger actors (as they 1000% should and we should do it more), but there was some serious shit going on with elevating Melinda constantly and shafting Tate/Peter/Kelly forever. Especially Kelly. At least she was there and not essentially let go like Tate was (and Tate was a ~big name~ regular from the pilot!). But you can tell Kelly's got some feelings about how the show went for her and her screentime/importance.

Not cutting the Johnny storyline two minutes into filming 304. They had to know Mischa/Ryan D had no chemistry. We're supposed to believe Marissa's having some sort of emotional affair but there is absolutely nothing showing that to us. It's everyone telling Marissa she's got feelings for him, and Mischa doing her job well enough to convince us it's sketchy/complicated, but they have one (1) conversation in 306 that's mostly about Johnny's father or uncle that no one cares about. which brings me to

WE DONT CARE ABOUT GUEST STARS. stop spending so much valuable time on them. we just wanna see our s1 babes being cute and supporting one another that's literally it

[horridgoblin]

act 2 observations. entirely about gale. as i am now playing through the beginnings of act 3

(im slowing down my gameplay a bit because i dont want it to end. even tho i have other kinds of playthroughs in mind lmao):

the act 2 romance scene fucking broke my heart

i was seeing a couple bits of discourse online (who doesn't) where some folks think gale love bombs a bit to try and secure a relationship with you bc he doesn't believe hes good enough. or something along those lines. the love bombing comments stick out to me.

and i got a bit worried, because ive fell for love bombing irl before and i was like. fuck sake not again cant fall into the trap of another abuser

so i was thinking, he did pull the i love you thing rather quick.

but then the context of the scene hits and like. actually? no i dont think this is love bombing at all

in this particular scene, he believes its his last night alive

that in any other circumstances, he wouldve courted you properly, said the words leading to a "i love you" properly.

he also still doesnt believe you love him back? and is taken aback when you say you do?

also if i was in the position of my tav (who is entirely a self insert btw, i made them look like me even, albeit a yassified half elf version lmao)

i would genuinely say i love you back because holy shit i could also die at any moment on this adventure where i could become a mindflayer at any moment, or if a goblin got particularly stabby

i think any propriety or social standards for courting goes out the fucking window at the precipice of death?

so i dont think hes love bombing at all. keep in mind its a calculated manipulation tactic, and gale doesn't have bad intentions at all. he would not pull that narcissistic bullshit (because hes not one)

so those comments make me a bit :/

back to point 1

seeing his tower was like. holy shit this is amazing

ooooooooooooh the yearning

hes being so vulnerable with you, inviting you into his most precious sanctuary

the decor also slays

its heartbreaking because i was imagining wanting to live there with him. the domesticity of it all. but you cant. because he may die soon.

OOOOOOOOOH THE YEARNINGGG

clawing at my skin and hair

at first i was considering not having this scene play out because lore wise i would want to assure him id want the "gale right in front of me".

but if i was in my tav's position, i would indulge him out of curiosity and to see his enthusiasm for his wizardry. because i love his enthusiasm for the things hes passionate about. mystra be damned.

also id show him he doesnt need his magic to woo me. later. tho he does later say that i love him not just for his magical prowess. so idk? interdasting.

also no notes for the astral sex scene. none. 10/10 holy fucking shit

this is getting very long so. another post about act 2 in general will probably happen. maybe. im too brainrotted with gale atm oopsies!

[bookyeom]

LESLIEEE IM GONNA SCREAM IM SO JEALOUS N PROUD OF U WAHHASD I CANT BELIEVE U GOT TO SEE BSS LIVE?!?!?!? AND THEY SANG 7PM AND REASON OF MY SMILES LITERALLY 2 OF MY FAVE TRACKS FROM THEM ???????????????????????

RANIA 😭😭😭😭 7PM HAS SINGLE-HANDEDLY GOTTEN ME THROUGH THE LAST TWO YEARS AND REASONS OF MY SMILES IS ONE OF MY MOST LISTENED TO SONGS SINCE IT CAME OUT AND 😭😭 THEY SOUND EXACTLY LIKE THAT IRL 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 HONESTLY I THINK I BLACKED OUT A LITTLE BUT I CANNOT BELIEVE 😭😭😭 they also did the cheerleading dance routine for Just Do It which was SO INSANE. I was watching them dance and just trying to process ??? They just move like that??? And SOUND LIKE TGAT???? GOD their energy was just unbelievable last night too like they were SO happy. And Seungkwan in real life is literally breathtaking girl our man is seriously SO beautiful 😭😭😭😭

[onthejadedjournal]

this is very personal to me so im not really sure how to go about this ...

so i definitely identify myself as a c.isgender, het.erosexual woman. i like men. final. i have liked boys in the past and I don't have any bad experiences with past crushes because i never actually had balls to date before lol but it's been years since i actually liked someone so deeply (and then i got ate-zoned but that's okay lol)

but in irl circumstances recently - my best friend and mother kind of brought this up? trying to suggest the idea that i would have a boyfriend or something like that

for my friend, it's like "ooh, you like him don't you? imagine holding his hand, (x, y and z)

and for my mother, it's like "when you get a boyfriend, (x y and z)." (she's been at this for ages because im getting older and she sees this as the phase where i will get a boyfriend)

and how i respond to these?

i always respond so bitterly. I don't know why - I don't physically show it, but in my head it's like - ew, no lol

which is so strange - why did i respond like that? i thought i was interested in being a relationship in the near future? ... am i ACTUALLY not looking for romantic connection?

which, countless of times - made me almost conclude that i, might be on the ar.oace-spectrum ...?

but I don't say it yet, because i somewhat believe in the saying that you can't give your fullest opinion on something without experiencing it - in other words i feel that i cant say im ar.oace without experiencing what was it like to be engaged in a relationship. i genuinely do want to know and feel what its like being in a relationship - and well, i am craving for the affection in all seriousness - laugh all you want, i do want to feel that special feeling of love.

which is led me to guess i could be cu.pio? but i do experience attraction. its just very dormant unfortunately lol

due to the recent talks i had with my best friend and mother - i cant help but feel maybe a little repulsed to feel romantic in my s.elfshipping sphere. maybe i am kind of combatting against what my friend and mother assumes of me by going to my familials from time to time. no i am not romantically interested in someone right now and i can prove to you im not looking for romance irl right now

i remember there was one exchange my best friend had with me, he knows that i'm very loving of steven and red (but more on steven, because he calls out on it jokingly) but i remember that one time he said "it won't be steven for longer" in a joking manner. perhaps im a little affected by that? steven has helped me feel mentally okay in countless of times so it feels like youre tearing away this from me and i felt like i can depend on him more than i can with an actual person so i was a little sour that day. friend doesnt know how much steven made me okay

i remember when my mother criticized me of being so unfeminine and saying how this would severely affect how my potential boyfriend would look at me. i kept screaming in my mind "i'm ar.oace" but am i actually? i domt think so - but in the spur of the moment i so wanted to say that just to make her stop assuming im keen to look for a partner

it's weird. truly weird. i want to prove to them that i can stand on my own without an actual romantic connection but at the same time, i do? want someone? i just don't like it when they think i am desperate to look for someone because it gets so annoying

[amidstnamjin-and-binchanlix]

i don't wanna look at anything else (now that i saw you)

Warnings: Uhhh. Not much. Just some v v light angst, and Jackjack being a teeny tiny bit of a dumbass lil shit. Mentions of alcohol and getting drunk fuk yeah no don't do too much alcohol, kids. body and image insecurities, too.

Pairings: Jackson Wang/Reader

Plot: In another lifetime, another universe, your happy ending has always been in front of you all along.

Genre: light angst, eventual happy ending

And I can still see it all (In my mind)

All of you, all of me (Intertwined)

I once believed love would be (Black and white)

But it's golden (Golden)

And I can still see it all (In my head)

Back and forth from New York (Sneaking in your bed)

I once believed love would be (Burning red)

But it's golden

Like daylight, like daylight

Like daylight, daylight

I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you

(I can never look away)

I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you

(Things will never be the same)

I've been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night

(Now I'm wide awake)

mixtape: all i have left to give - part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - ending 1

Oooooooohhhhweeeeeee

This is crazy

So much has happened since I last posted.

i got psychiatric help so guess who's on meds now? yay (not)

i mentioned here before that when I write the mixtape series, it's not necessarily in chronological order. I already have a rough draft in my mind of how it would go, and I am already planning to write the prequel to the first part, but it won't necessarily mean that it will come first. I also have an idea of what will happen for the ending(s?), but I have yet to muster the energy to write continuously right now bc so much has happened irl

With that being said, my next part will be a glimpse of one of the "what-if" endings. If it irks you that my writings are all over the place, I'm so sorry but I rly cant force my brain to write at one linear pace. As I always say, I hope I don't disappoint, and I'm so sorry if I do.

Thank you so much for loving my babies and for giving them the time of the day. Every time I get a notification of likes/reblogs/kudos/bookmarks, it warms my heart bc wtf it is more than I ever hoped for

thank you so much once again! this part is for those who are rooting for my babie jackjack because hey, he's a fuckin sweetheart and i love him to bits

just a little trigger warning for some insecurities because this is kinda self-projecting, i'm so sorry T_T

🌅

Soft morning light greets you when you open your eyes.

You've always relished in these times—the seconds or minutes of blank bliss and silence in between waking up and lucidity. These are times of peace before facing the storm of the day.

You stare at the ceiling of the room, the cream-colored walls, then the photos that line up your drawers.

So much has happened these past few months. Sometimes, you still can't believe that you've survived through it, that you powered through it. You genuinely thought it would end up killing you, and that you'd die hurting inside out.

But you lived, and you're happy now.

You turn your head to the side to find him, still slumbering. You take a deep breath and dig your fingers into your palm, afraid that this will all be a dream, and that you'll wake up with sweat on your forehead and blood on your lips and sheets.

You honestly would never have made it without him.

The one and only constant in your life, your ride-or-die.

Jackson.

He had been there through everything—the treatments, the hospitalizations, the relapses, and the recovery. He was there to see you fall apart at 3 a.m., see you struggle with breathing at random times of the day, there to see you bleed out from the love you had (have) for the other men who were supposed to love you back unconditionally.

He was there through everything, and he never once let go of your hand.

Sometimes, you think how it would be if you ended up with them; what would happen? Would you be happier? How would it be different from how it is right now?

But then, you think, they never loved you the way you wished to, the way they should've until you were on the brink of death. There would be too much resentment, too much guilt, too much pain. You would never be truly happy.

You feel guilty thinking about these things. You are genuinely happy— happier even—than you've ever been. Jackson never made you feel like you have to be someone else, like you have to live up to someone's high expectations. You never have to cry again, except when he goes on tour and you miss him, or when you're so happy with him that tears just can't help but make confetti in your eyes.

But then, you and Jackson both know that it is inevitable, that the love for the seven men who were once the center of your soul would never really go away. And he's okay with it, you're both okay with it. You've both made peace that they will always be a part of your life. All that matters is Jackson is your home now, that he's the one that you'll come home to. He's the one that you will make a space for in your heart, and the only one that will occupy it and stay for good.

Jackson is home, and he always will be.

You reach out and carefully brush Jackson's hair away from his still-closed eyes. Moments like this you miss the most when he's away on tour and you can't go with him. It gets lonely, but his coming home with the biggest and proudest smile on his face makes everything worth it.

He is worth it, and he always will be.

You scoot closer to his sleeping figure, wrapping your arm around his waist. Februaries are always cold, so his body warmth is heaven-sent. It is also one of the things you miss during times apart. You grew up in a non-affectionate household, touch-starved to the point that you became touch- repulsed. But after getting to know how Jackson feels like home, you can never get enough of his touch. You can never go for too long without it, and you can say you almost reverted to being touch-starved.

You shift to wrap yourself around him, slinging your leg lightly over his. You hear him groan as you bury your face in the crook of his neck, trying not to miss him already. You still have two weeks left before he leaves again for his next tour, but you can already feel the creeping sadness and pit in your stomach.

You're getting separation anxiety again. Maybe it's time to talk to your therapist.

Your fingers find themselves curled on his arms lightly, tracing shapes and absently doodling on his skin. 

"You're up early," comes Jackson's sleep-laden voice, his arms wrapping around your shoulders.

"'m not up yet," you grumble, subtly inhaling the scent of his skin. "And it's already seven AM; not early."

Jackson chuckles. "Okay, okay. No need to get pouty."

You huff. "I'm not pouty," an irony as you can actually feel yourself pout more when he says that. "It's really just not early."

It is early, you actually know it. But you want to spend more time with him before he sets off to wow the whole world again while you stay behind and wait for him to come home, so no, it's not really early.

You feel him kiss your hair. "Ah. I'm still here, but you already miss me." He laughs lightly. "What would you do without me?"

You know it's a joke, but your abandonment issues have been seriously acting up for a while now. You have to swallow before answering.

"I'd die without you," you blink rapidly to stop yourself from crying, trying to keep your tone light. "Terribly, so."

"Hey," Jackson tries to push your shoulder gently to look at your face, but you don't want him to see your crumpled expression.

"Hey, don't cry. It's too early for you to cry." You sniff, not wanting to let go of him. "I'm joking. You can never get rid of me at this point."

"But you can get rid of me," you fail to not sound miserable. "You can find someone else and settle down with them, someone whole."

A pause.

"Someone not broken."

"No." This time, Jackson's tone is firm, almost angry. "I don't like you talking about yourself like this, and I won't get rid of you. Is that what you think of me?"

"No, but you—"

"'But I ' nothing '," he says. He sits you both up and he puts his hands on your shoulders. "I fought nail and tooth just so I can have my happy ending with you. I fought with the law, I fought your soulmates, and I will fight all over again just so I can have this until we grow old and wrinkly. Why would I get rid of someone I've wanted my whole life? That's fucking stupid."

Your lips curl in a slight pout, trembling with all the tears that want to escape. You absently touch your chest, used to the phantom pain that came with the soul-scraping before. It's gone now, but all the things you used to do, used to go through, as well as the painful memories are still here.

"I..." You start, voice hoarse. "Sorry, I just don't want a repeat of that, you know?"

"I know."

"And I know you're not like them, but there are so many reasons things don't work out. And not to be dramatic or what—erm—," you clear your throat, "but I won't survive the next time I go through that again." Not if everything goes into plan, that next step you are planning with him. "It'll kill me."

You won't survive another soul-scraping, you just won't.

"You won't. I won't leave, I promise." Jackson presses a tender kiss on your lips, running his thumb on your cheek as he cradles it gently. "As I said, we'll grow old and wrinkly. We'll be that meme on Facebook where we grow old together and play bump cars with wheelchairs."

You snort softly. "If you damage my rhetorical wheelchair, I'm using yours. You crawl on the ground."

He grins, a lovely sight on his pretty face. "I'll always crawl my way back to you," he croons.

Jackson leans in and captures your lips in a gentle kiss. His hand finds its way inside your top and you flinch unintentionally. He tenses, then pulls away.

"I'm sorry," you hurriedly say.

"Hey," he says, eyes searching your face. "No need to apologize. I'm sorry. We don't need to do anything you don't want to."

"No, no. I want to." You pause, biting your lip. "It's just... my scar." You absently trace your myectomy scar. He looks at you, willing you to go on. "It's ugly." Among all other things.

"You will never be ugly." You open your mouth to retort but he silences you with a serious look. "I love you, scars and all. But as I said, we don't have to do anything. I just want to spend my time with you, and I'm good."

God, you think, I really think I'll marry you.

You surge up with a fierce kiss to his lips, taking your top off before you can change your mind.

"Wait, wait." Jackson puts his hand on yours, stopping you from taking your shirt off. "No."

"No?" You swallow thickly.

"No, not like that," he says hurriedly, seeing your mood shift. "Is it a good day?"

You know what he means, and it is not.

"No," you agree in a small voice. "It isn't."

You've gotten far from your insecurities, but they sometimes come back sneakily, like they did yesterday and today, of all days.

"We can keep your shirt on if you'd like?" he offers.

You take one look at him. Yup, you'll definitely marry him.

"Please?" You implore with your eyes.

He smiles softly. "Then we keep your shirt on."

His smile turns wicked.

"Won't stop me from eating you out from under it, though."

---

"Mark!"

"No," Mark says flatly. "You're not backing out of this."

"But—"

"Do you love him?" he asks.

"Yes!"

"Do you want to marry his ugly face?"

"He's not ugly, but yes!"

"Do you want to spend your lifetime kissing his ugly face?"

"Again, my Jackson is not ugly, but yes, I do!"

"Did you change your mind then?"

"Y—no, I did not!"

"Then why are you backing out?!"

"Because what if he doesn't want to?" [Name] bursts out to which Mark snorts impatiently. "What if doesn't want that for life? That's a lifetime of commitment, Mark. I can't undo that shit."

"You think he would want to?" Mark asks, almost angry, his patience growing thin. He rolls his eyes to heaven when he sees you in near tears.

"He wants to marry your equally ugly face," to which you splutter a 'hey!', "he talks, breathes, and sleeps nothing but [Name], [Name], [Name]." He sighs.

"Do you really think he would let go of you now?"

You know at this point that your fear is redundant and irrational, but you can't help it. Not when your own (ex-)soulmates didn't want you. It took you almost dying, and choosing your dignity and self-respect before they turned around. And even then, it was too late. Your soul is having none of it.

Mark softens at your silence. "Did you talk to your therapist about this?"

You nod. "Yeah. He said that I should start forgiving myself and moving forward and that I should believe that not everyone is like them. Not everyone will leave me."

"He's right. We won't leave you. We're stuck with you, just like how you're stuck with us. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay, good. Now, give me my hug because I just got from a long tiring flight because someone didn't want me to ride her private jet." He glares at you.

You laugh. "I told you, I need to fly here earlier than you since you can't cancel your meeting."

"You could've—I don't know—waited for me, maybe?" He pulls you in a tight hug.

Before you two can pull away, however, you both hear the sounds of Jackson's voice and the door opening.

Oh, shit.

You two freeze on your hug. You don't understand why you did but you just feel guilty, like being caught with your hand down your pants. You and Mark pull away from each other quickly.

"What's this? Hugging without me, huh?" Jackson jokes, but you can hear the slight insinuation in his voice, one that Mark does as well.

"Yeah, I'm stealing your girlfriend, Wang. Watch out." Mark smirks lightheartedly.

This bitch!

Jackson's eyebrow twitches. "You wish." They embrace in a brief hug before he turns to you with a soft smile on his pretty face.

Wow. Years in and you still can't get your heart to shut up over his smile.

"Hey," he says softly. "This is a very nice surprise."

"I missed you and the bed was cold," you pout slightly. "So here I am."

"Ah, I knew it. You just want a bed warmer." In the background, you can hear Mark fake gag, and Jackson gives him the finger.

"No, I want my Jackson not an electric blankie, smartass."

"Your Jackson, huh?" Mark fake gags again, and you smile at Jackson's 'fuck off, Tuan'.

"This is not what I signed up for, so I'm leaving you lovebirds to it."

"About time." This time, it's Jackson who grumbles, and you and Mark both laugh. "Shut up."

---

The next few days of the tour see Jackson busier than ever, and so are you. With the tour coming to its end, you scramble to get the last steps of your surprise into place. After all, Jackson deserves the best, and you don't want to give him any less.

This also means that you both get to see less of each other. You miss him and it sucks, and Jackson sometimes gets to receive the burnt of it, unfortunately.

"Hey. It's okay, everything's going to be okay," he says. You are so close to bursting and just saying fuck it, but you can't, so you let out a frustrated growl.

"It is not, stop saying that again and again." It is not. The local producer and local venue producer are being tough nuts to crack for some unknown reason, and are uncooperative. They are the only remaining people you need in on the plan, so it is taking too much time and effort on your part. Not that Jackson is not worth it, but the headache is just a bitch to deal with. "It really isn't so I ask you to kindly fuck off, Jackson. I don't need you patronizing me right now."

"Hey," he says firmly, his jaw heavy set. "I'm not doing anything, so don't take your shit out on me."

Ah, shit.

"Jacks—"

"Is it because I'm taking much of your time?"

"What?"

"Is it because I'm taking your time away to be with Mark?"

Your jaw drops. "Excuse me?"

"You think I don't see how you spend your time with him? How close you two seem to be nowadays?"

Aw, hell no.

"Jackson, no. What the fuck?"

"No, no. It's okay. You don't need to explain, you know? If you want to be with Mark-hyung, it's fine. I'm not gonna stand in the way."

"What are you talking about? Are you saying I'm cheating on you?" you ask in disbelief.

Jackson shakes his head. "I'm saying that if you want to be with him, you don't need to start picking fights just so we can break up." His eyes turn sad. "I'll let you go, you just have to ask."

Your chest hurts at that, stirring up old feelings you thought you'd never be able to feel again. "And you're gonna let me go, just like that?"

Silence.

You laugh humorlessly. "Wow. And you think of me that way, too."

"[Name]—"

"No." You thank whatever fuck there is that you had the foresight to book a separate room to plan your surprise (not that you sleep in it, with you opting to always sleep beside Jackson since arriving) and take your bag from the chair by the window of the suite.

"Thank you for clearing that shit up. At least I know now where I stand."

Jackson grasps your wrist delicately. "Sweetheart—"

You pull your wrist away from him. "Don't 'sweetheart' me, Jackson." He stops at the sight of the brimming tears in your eyes, the hurt painted in it.

"I trusted you with shit, you knew how I abhor those things you accuse me of. You knew how I hated my mom because of the things she did, and yet you dared think I am like her."

"I didn't—"

"Yes, you did, Jackson. Because if you only knew how full I am of you since the day I let those bastards go from my life." You sniff. "It's only and always been you, you, and you. Everyone knew that; everyone knows that."

"I don't—"

"Yeah, you don't. So I'll spare you the time and just leave you be. I never plan to force myself into something or someone, and I don't plan to start now."

Jackson tries to refute that it isn't the case, but you slam the door shut in his face behind you before he can even get a word in.

[ah, these kids. what do i do with you two?]

Jackson looks at the door you just slammed shut in his face, then to the dresser in his suite that you never opened. You two had always been intertwined, but you always gave him his space and privacy. He walks towards it, opens it, and takes the velvet box with the sparkling ring in it.

All I can say is you two are idiots, and everyone will agree with me.

---

"You what?!"

You grumble, shielding your bottle away from Mark. "Please don't shout at me, I'm already having a hard time as it is." You try to pull off your pitiful face, but Mark only makes his own face at you.

To be fair, Mark finds you pitiful, but not in that way. And he kind of wants to punch Jackson in the face right now too because seriously, you and Mark? It's like him and his sisters, what the actual fuck?

He can't blame the man, however. Everyone in the circle knows how Jackson has been wounded by the relationships he was in before, so it's easier for him to switch to defense mode. Jackson has always been prone to leave before he gets left when he feels like the other party is slowly losing interest.

But the dumbass has always been prone to the dumbest dumbassery in the group. And this? This takes the cake, Mark could roll his eyes to heaven.

"And you didn't bother to, I don't know, explain shit to him?" he asks with the patience of a saint.

You pout. You had the audacity to pout and Mark feels the patience slowly slipping away from him. "No. It's not gonna be a surprise anymore if I do."

Holy fuck.

"Are you shitting my dick right now?" he mutters. You only snort and Mark pulls away the bottle from you.

"Hey!"

"Listen to me. It's not gonna be a surprise anymore if you two break up because there'll be no one to surprise. You know he is a dumbass and you decided to be a dumbass too?"

"Hey! He accused me first! I didn't accuse him anything when he shot that sexy ass shoot with the ashes and stuff—"

"—Cruel." Mark supplies helpfully.

"Yes, that. I didn't do that with the main dancer when they've been cute and friendly and shit off cam, and yet he accuses me with you." You belch and gag, and Mark steps away slightly from you to avoid any impending projectile vomiting. "Like 'ew'."

"I agree with you, but how dare you, bitch? Are you saying I'm 'ew'?"

You level him with a look as much as you can with your drunk face, and Mark has never had the urge to headlock a woman before.

"Anyway," you say forlornly, "at least I know where we stand now." You sniff, and Mark feels bad for you (a little).

"No, you really don't. I thought that by now, you would know how he is."

"You weren't there when he said it!" You burst out angrily. "He means it! Do you know how it feels standing there and being practically told that he knows I'll leave him for other people, and that he'll let me?" You burp loudly again. "Me, of all people? When he knew how I detest that shit. With all the things I went through?"

And then you burst into ugly sobs.

[ah, jackson. you really are one dumbass.]

"Hey, hey, no," Mark says, wrapping his arms around you. "Don't cry. You're not allowed to cry. Doctor Im told you you're still healing; you're not even allowed to drink."

"Yet here I am," you say with a shaky laugh that morphs into another sob. "Again."

You're not sure if you're just talking about drinking or the fact that you're on the brink of losing yourself again over lost relationships. It's tiring, really. But it is what it is, as they say.

"Can you—can you please get my bag?" you ask Mark. "By the door, tossed it earlier," you slur.

You've never really shown Mark the ring you want to propose to Jackson with. Mark assumed that it is flashy, and you're never one for flashy things, so you're embarrassed about it.

That's not it, however. Completely the opposite, actually. The engagement ring is totally simple, a silver band encrusted with small diamonds on top. The only flashy thing about it is the bigger diamond heart in the center and the smaller gems that surround it on both sides.

The smaller gems are the highlights, you think. You took them from the necklace with both the birthstones that were gifted by Jackson to you during your first year anniversary and had them cut delicately to fit the ring you had in mind. On the right heart side are your birthstones, while on the left are Jackson's. You know some might find it too feminine, and Jackson might not be able to wear it that much in his line of work, but the ring is the most beautiful thing you have ever created in your life.

And now, Jackson won't be able to see it. That thought brings you to a fresh round of tears.

"Too girly, isn't it?" You ask Mark, who is silent. "And it should be the other way around—he should be the one asking me to marry him. I still would've asked him to marry me with this, Mark. That's how I don't give a shit. I just wanna marry his ugly face, but now I can't."

"You wanna marry me?" Comes a soft voice behind you and Mark. You jerk away, and Mark gently unwraps his arms around you as Jackson steps forward.

"I'll let you lovebirds talk," Mark says as he pulls away, but your wide eyes (as wide as bloodshot eyes can be) are only trained on Jackson. Mark pats Jackson's shoulder with a low 'we'll talk later', and Jackson only nods. It is silent until Mark closes the door behind him.

"You wanna marry me?" Jackson asks again. "You're gonna ask to marry me, [Name]?"

You can only nod, your eyes shut as your tears don't stop falling.

"Stay here," he only says. It's not like you're going anywhere, so you stay put. However, when five minutes turn to fifteen, then to twenty, you start to think that Jackson has either gone to sleep or gone off to god knows where. Before you can even think about getting up and running after him, the door to your suite opens.

"Come here, stand up." Jackson takes your hand and helps you stand up. He wipes your face with his hand, then with the cold cloth that someone hands him (whom you recognize is one of his staff). Other staff start to fuss over you as someone turns on the overhead lights.

"Wait, what?" you ask as someone starts to powder your face. "What's happening?"

You turn to Jackson, who's being ushered into a suit. You are ushered yourself by the few staff he had roped into helping into the other room to change into a tulle sweetheart dress.

"We're getting married."

---

"So, Jackson..." You hear the host through the speakers start his next question as you wait backstage with Mark. Even with the elopement, you're still going through with your plan.

That other plan.

"No," Mark says flatly. "You're not backing out of this."

Here we go again, but this time, Mark is a little less pissed and more exhausted with your shenanigans.

"No, I'm just saying. Maybe I should do this in private instead? This is the equivalent of putting a girl on the spot with marriage proposals, which, for the record, I absolutely detest because fuck having choice and not cornering them into whatever they want, right?"

"While I do agree with you, he'll pee his pants and probably hump you if you do this than to be put off, trust me," Mark says. "And besides, everything is ready. All it needs is the execution."

Mark has a point.

Before you can wimp out again, you hear your name being called to an uproar of cheers. You're lucky Jackson's fanbase is mostly supportive of your relationship since you two came out a few years ago, though it is not without some minor hiccups and a few outrage from the unsupportive ones. What matters however is you lucked out, and you can never be more grateful.

"[Name] [Last Name], ladies and gentlemen!" You hear the host say as you see Jackson's blinding grin when you step out from the backstage.

Oh, you swoon. My smitten darling [Name].

Steady, girl.

"So, Miss [Last Name]—"

"It's Mrs. Wang, actually." You hear gasps from the audience, and Jackson's blinding grin turns lovelier and wider. "We actually got married in secret, and you forgot this at home." You hand him his ring as you grin mischievously.

"Okay, Peeta Mellark." Jackson rolls his eyes good-naturedly as he slips on his ring. "What a way to break it to them."

"My, my." The host fans himself with a wide smile. "Is this what you meant when you told me you'll be getting me a high rating?"

"I hope so," you say sheepishly. "If it doesn't, then no worries. I still have another trick in my hat. Don't you worry."

You look at Jackson and can't help but laugh inwardly at his clueless smile.

Oh, dear.

The interview goes without a hitch, with it mostly centered on your married life. You were originally nervous about how it would turn out, but it had been so far so good. Nobody threw shoes, and all that happened was a little 'booooo' when asked if you had had your honeymoon yet (which not yet, because you were both busy for a while after his tour).

"So, [Name]," the host asks again with a little waggle of his eyebrows. "What is this other trick of yours you mentioned earlier?"

Ah, shit. Here we go.

"Ah." Your smile turns a little serene, and you see Jackson sit up straighter in his seat. Nobody would notice it if they are not in tune with him, but he practically owns your whole soul, and you'd like to think that you do his, too, so you notice it.

"Have I told you my story about my soulmates?"

The host shakes his head. "Pray, do tell."

"Well, not everyone gets lucky with theirs. Everyone knows that." You smile sadly, the audience turning quiet.

"Yes, of course. A very sad fact that everyone is very well acquainted with." The host smiles sympathetically at you.

"I used to think it was the end of the world when mine didn't want anything to do with me. I kept thinking that something was wrong with me, that maybe I was really not worth their time. That maybe I was meant to suffer and die hurting."

You pause, then you look at Jackson. "But then I realize, I have you," you say softly.

You look back at the host.

"What more can I ask for when I have him?"

Your smile turns happier as the audience lets out a quiet 'aww'.

"I really like doing things unconventional and my way so..."

You bite your lower lip as you look once again at Jackson, who has his eyes trained on you and hanging on to every word you say.

"Would you give me the honor of being my forever soulmate, Jackson?"

It was like a time warp. The moment he said yes, cheers erupted, and everything blurred and warped in your ears. All your fears, all the hurt and pain? It was gone.

This is your happy ending, you deserve it, my dear [Name].

Go live it.

---

Meanwhile, somewhere a thousand miles away, a group of young men smile sadly at what could have been, and what was lost. Their chests perpetually ache with the loss of a piece of a soul they can never get back.

[m4r1y4m]

I am now in the headspace where if I don't know your tumblr I will go through your blog.

My trust has just dissapeared.

Never thought I'd experience this. This is the shit that I see in those video essays, can't believe I've actually kind of experienced it.

Its always like: "Oh, that's terrible! I hope that never happens to me. I hope those victims/people who were hurt/people who went through it get better and find peace!"

So it gets worse. It gets really worse. This wasn't exactly supposed to be a vent but it all went downhill.

I talk about suicide and self harm in this.

I hate how she was the one who really got me into Doors. I hate how she was the first person I considered a friend. I hate how that inside joke is ruined now. I hate how she got me familiar with so many things. I hate how I felt bad for her. I hate the fact that I thought I felt like I could relate to her medically. I hate the fact that she was the one who I went to for help. I hate how I asked her for help when I was suicidal. I hate how I relied on her. I hate that I have so many memories with her in them. I hate how I thought we were best friends. I hate how manipulative she is. I hate how she hurt so many people. I hate her

I HATE HER SHITTY APOLOGIES. I HATE HOW THE "APOLOGY" SHE GAVE ME WAS MASSIVE AND FILLED WITH LIES AND MANIPULATION TACTICS. I HATE HOW SHE TRIED TO GUILT TRIP US. I HATE HOW SHE FAKED THINGS THAT PEOPLE GENUINELY SUFFER FROM. I FUCKING HATE HER AND I JUST WANT TO FORGET EVERYTHING ABOUT HER.

SHE KNOWS IM SUICIDAL. SHE KNOWS THAT I HAVE HURT MYSELF, DOESNT SHE?! SHE JUST FUCKING LOVES TO MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE. EVER SINCE LAST YEAR, EVERYTHING HAS BEEN RUINED. HEART SURGERY, CUDA PASSING AWAY, HIGHSCHOOL, IRL FRIENDS THAT HURT ME, GETTING TOLD IM MATURE FOR MY AGE, WANTING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF, LOSING MOTIVATION FOR EVERYTHING, LEARNING THE ONLY GOOD FRIENDS I HAVE ARE SUFFERING IN THEIR OWN WAYS AND ME WANTING TO HELP THEM BUT I CANT, AND NOW THIS?!

THATS ALL I COULD THINK OF! THERES PROBABLY MORE! I JUST WANT TO TEAR MYSELF APART AND KILL MYSELF BUT IM TOO FUCKING SCARED TO DIE. IF I DIDNT HAVE ALL OF THESE FEARS I CAN BET YOU ID BE GONE BY NOW.

I'm sorry that I have to rely on so many people in order to not lose it. I wish I didn't have to rely on everyone and make their day worse by bringing her up.

Just fucking leave us alone, selfish asshole.

This wasn't meant to be massive. It was just meant to be everything until I started saying how much I hate things.

I won't be killing myself any time soon. I can't do it because I know how many people would be devastated to see me gone. I had to experience my brother trying, and even though it wasn't successful, I'm still heartbroken from it. That was years ago, too.

Thank you to the people who have been helping me.

I will continue to help others and keep an eye out.

I will make sure people block her.

Just. Block. Her.

[ashsostrange]

I'm honestly surprised at the amount of people who are still supporting him.He's got his little ((whats left of them at least)) fan base wrapped around his fingers.

“ He’s a minor he cant think for himself, his brain ain't developed!!” “ You don't know what it's like for him at home!” my fav so far “y'all are ablest and racist!! Yall don't care about black people!”

Bitch no one gives a fuck that he is black!! Motherfucker is telling people/threatening to eat glass to get away from what he's said to people. Calling someone out for gaslighting and trying to manipulate people with that shit ain't racist. Also using self diagnosis and laying about taking pill that will “get you high” as a way to get out of all his call outs. This is the stupidest shit I have seen while being on tumblr for the past three or so years like damn!!💆🏾‍♀️

perioddd!! lemme talk my shit again

i honestly giggled when his bf tried to say “y’all hate black people” when pretty much everyone speaking on him is black. why would i do that bc he’s black?? i’m black, not to mention a darskin girl. do with that info what you will.

ppl wna make us seem like bullies so bad. this isn’t just about what happened w catty, hell, it’s hardly about her at all! it’s ab his behavior in general. it’s inappropriate! if he would’ve just owned up, there wouldn’t have been a problem. i’m not obsessed w this nigga, i don’t care to go out of my way to make a post ab him everyday. he’s the one who escalated this further. he only wants us to “mind our business” when we’re not coming for his neck.

ab his mental health, if he doesn’t have a real diagnosis, he needs to not claim mental illnesses like that, but rather acknowledge that something is wrong with him. if you make a mistake, you need to not blame every damn thing on your said mental illness. if anything it’s a justification, but never an excuse. take the initiative to look at yourself and decide if you’re in the right headspace to be on the internet or not. i struggle with mental health, but not in the way he allegedly does. if ik i’m not in the right headspace for something, i step away. he needs to do that. and invest in a diary.

i genuinely don’t know why people are defending him when he did this to himself. if woulda stopped riding my dick like beyoncé rode that surfboard, then maybe we wouldn’t be here right now. accountability isn’t a bad thing. we’ve all made mistakes. i know i’ve made many, it’s about how you address them that matters.

i was literally defending his lame ass when he was sending inboxes as an anon to cause more mess between these two girls. yao was saying he was behind the anon and obv i didn’t believe her bc it wasn’t making sense to me at the time, and there was no real way to prove it. but then he started sending her hella inboxes and tagged all his mutuals saying “war has begun” a whole day later. when i tell you i showed one of my bsfs that post and we LAUGHEDD 🤣🤣🤣 nigga this is tumblrrrr, not a battlefield! from that day i’ve been watching him lmao. didn’t wna say anything about his behavior until i gathered more info cuz i’m not a mean girl (and didn’t want his army bombarding my inbox), but this is ridiculous.

and i’m so glad lia dmed me one day so we could discuss his weirdness. we literally played his ass and he didn’t know. bro was sending her msgs talking ab “i liked your new fic, but you blocked me” and he was the only one she had blocked recently. he sent so many hateful msgs under anon after that, nd he was reblogging it acting like it wasn’t him like… ok weird nigga.

i’m not ableist or “racist” (i’m literally fucking black!) fuck i gotta b ableist for? i’m the last person to rock w any kind of tomfoolery, and all my mutuals and irls know that. i’m unapologetically me on this blog. what you see is who i am.

“he’s a minor!!” so are the rest of us dealing with his bs bro. i’m literally SIXTEEN 😭

like i said, in most situations, if multiple people (with good morals) are telling you that you’re wrong, you can’t be right. i was never disrespectful with him to begin with. you get disrespectful with me, i get disrespectful with you. don’t care who you are ✌️like thank yewww

[littlegreenplumbob]

People you'd like to get to know better - tag!

i got tagged in a tag by @calicosimgirl 😁😁 which is insane to me bc i consider myself just a little tumblr stalker who occasionally posts piccys of my sims. tysm💚 this is my first tag as im extremely new to actually frequently using tumblr so idk how to do these things so i really hope im right with how i do this

Last song you listened to:

safety pin by 5sos. i am obsessed with those guys<33 ive seen them live in concert once and i cant wait to do it again:)

also! blissful ignorance by foxhaunt. im seeing them at a gig in manchester next month after seeing them around on tiktok and this song? it just perfectly scratches my brain in all the right ways

Favourite colour(s):

green!!!! my irl nickname is littlegreengirl, i have green hair and the majority of my clothes are green. i just think its funky. i also wear a lot of black so i guess that too

Currently watching:

superstore! cant believe i never watched it before. and also the new disney+ percy jackson. i also love bad education, b99 and futurama. i am a chronic watch-till-youre-sick-of-it so anything ive seen before that i can just whack on and know its funny.

Last movie you watched:

percy jackson sea of monsters. ive been rereading the books and reigniting my passion, what can i say (even though i have thallasophobia weirdly)

Sweet/spicy/savoury:

savoury. bc i dont think there is anything better than gherkins 🤩🤩

Last thing you googled:

i think it was ‘average amount of teeth’ bc i was on facetime with my best friend and we fell into a rabbit hole of how many teeth people have. if youre wondering, i have 24 (and that is the least amount of teeth out of everyone ive asked???)

Currently working on:

i havent played my nsb save in a while since im back home from uni atm. i go bsck on sunday so im sure i will be back into sim mode the second i step foot on mancunian ground. ive been really interested in posting lookbooks as well, as soon as i figure out how to take ok quality photos and sort out my cc. but if youre talking physically working, im at work on my break rn and i have been slaying at making those big macs.

i fear i have exposed a lot of myself to some people who do not need to know this much about me. but i guess thats the point!!!! i think tags are very fun and if anyone wants to tag me in future ones, hell yea! lets see what other weird things i can google inbetween now and then

im not sure who else to tag as i mainly only follow cc creators haha - pls dont feel any pressure to respond or anything but id like to make friends on here:)

@mooneonthings @simfestation @fayethegray