#i cant even get fucking angry or frustrated at myself without fucking crying! and everyone asking me if im okay like no! im not okay!

[broke-on-books]

I'm a fucking disaster send tweet

Also btw guys I got my drivers license

[effervescent-fools-shadow]

Long vent ahead, tw for mentions of suicide

Love it when your angry and try to explain your emotions but then you start crying before you can explain your emotions so you get frustrated but then your parents ask why your sad and you try to explain to them that your not sad and just angry and frustrated but your crying so you can’t get anything coherent out so they keep asking you and you keep getting more and more frustrated so then you leave to calm down and they follow you and ask more questions and all you can do is tell them that you want to be alone and never end up being able to explain your emotions and then you get sad because you’ve never been able to explain how your mind or emotions work without crying. How tf am I supposed to tell them that how they interpret things completely contradicts how I actually feel if I can’t do it without crying. Which only leads to more misinterpretation. Is this even a normal fucking thing or was I fucked over for my entire life because of some brain development I never had any fucking control over? I don’t have any diagnosed disorder to blame this on and nobody ever understands what’s going on with me. I can’t explain myself and because of how frustrated I get I tell people to just not worry about it, and bottle it up. And even if I don’t try to bottle it up I can’t fucking cry. I have no other outlet and venting doesn’t actually help me express my emotions. I only vent to get some fucking advice only to get ignored by every single one of my friends. I’ve gotten more help from random internet strangers then my friends. I’ve gotten more help from fucking reddit. When I get frustrated or angry or sad or suicidal I can’t cry for absolutely no reason no matter how much I feel like I need to so I am FORCED by my own body to bottle it up. Meanwhile everyone else who thinks that they understand how I feel or what I’m going through tells me to just let it out or something like it’s just that easy. Like I should be able to do it on command. And when I can get express my emotions in a way that’s not sobbing it’s yelling at someone. I fucking hate it. I’ve lost multiple friends because I try to tell them how I’m feeling and no matter how many times I tell them they just don’t get it and I just. Yell? Why do I yell? What I say doesn’t make any logical sense when I do and all they were trying to do is help and yet I yell at them. I am such a genuine asshole and I have no idea how to fix myself, which just makes me more sad, angry, and frustrated which I again have no choice but to bottle up. It’s an endless cycle no matter how much I try to end it. Until a few months ago my mom has been telling me that the only person who has control of my emotions is me but realistically I am controlled by my subconscious. The literal voice inside of my head that has so much fun reminding me of what an asshole I am. I wish I was being metaphorical but I’m not. When I think, I think in my voice. And there’s another one of my voices, the one that reminds me of everything I’ve done wrong. I don’t wanna sound like I’m being edgy but that is the best and only way I know how to describe it. Because even when I’m not frustrated or angry, as long as I’m alone with my thought I’m sad because of that voice. I’ve been going through a loop of feeling constantly terrible since THIRD FUCKING GRADE. I HAVE WANTED TO THROW MYSELF OFF OF A BUILDING SINCE I WAS 6. THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON IT SHOULD BE THIS WAY. It is such fucking bullshit. There is no genuine reason for me to keep going. The economy is crashing, prices are going up and so is global temperature. The world is getting worse and by the time im an adult i might not have a chance to have a happy life. I’m verging on developing an ED because I constantly feel fat, AND ITS NOT EVEN MY FAULT. My body fat pools up in my gut and nowhere else. I CAN SEE MY FUCKING RIBS BUT I CANT GET RID OF THE FUCKING GUT. maybe if I worked out but I can’t even do that because I genuinely don’t have the time or energy. I wake up at nine and can’t muster up enough motivation to get up to get up until 30-60 mins later

[sheraayasher]

rant: pls ignore

so i am going to hostel in a few days and i have just being preparing for that. like yk if i got all the things needed, do i need to buy anything etc. recently things are just so hurried idk if it makes sense but.. never in my life till now i have actually felt things going hurriedly yk. idk i'm just not feeling me. i am on the verge of crying while typing this lmao.

but again i have existential crisis almost everyday so thats thing new. i just feel very insecure and worried. no i am not worried if i will be able to manage without my parents - i have done that many times before. i am worried about how my classmates will think of me, what will their perspective of me be, how will they behave when with me and when i'm not around. i know i do not have the "perfect" figure: i am a plus sized or a chubby person. heck i am not even fit, i am the most non-flexible person ever. everyone is gonna make fun of me. no one wants to be friend with a person who constantly experiences body insecurity, has social anxiety and is introverted. every one likes the "sunshine" person. the person who gets along with everyone, who gets awesome grades in everything, who has the fit if not the perfect figure, who can balance sports time/hobbies and studying time simultaneously.

i am scared i will be alone again - not that i am not used it. i honestly dont mind it either - in fact i prefer it. but its the fact that i will be left lonely again that just scares the shit out of me. i am not afraid of being alone, i am afraid of being lonely. i am afraid i might make "friends" but i will still have my lunch on my own.

i just dont feel good. and i know this is just for sometime, once i get into it i will be busy with assignments and shit to even care about it but that only means it wont come on the surface. it only means that it will remain on the seabed - it always remain at the back of my mind. the pandemic has changed me - and not in a good way. i hate human interaction more than ever and i have become so fucking lazy.

its my fault really - i shouldn't have let it get to me. i should have tried hard, i should been like everyone else who went out for run, walk or cycle everyday. i just want to give up. i want to give up so so so bad but i too coward to give up. i am this stupid scaredy cat who just tries to show everyone that i am not afraid of anything and my confidence is just an act. its a pathetic act to make people believe that "i am awesome and i dont care about anything". its a pathetic attempt at hiding my insecurities which 24x7 keeps poking my brain like a fucking reminder.

i crave attention - but not in a way like oh look at me i am gorgeous or some shit. i crave attention in way like i want to be held. i want someone who can understand me and not judge me. i seek validation. i just want people to tell me i am fucking great and sexy even when i know i am not going to believe a word they say bc i have fucking made this horrible image of myself in my brain. yes i know what exactly is wrong with me and want needs to be fixed but i just cant be able to fix it. i have tried, i have tried so fucking hard to fix it but i just cant. it just like waves yk every time i think ok now i am ready i can face the wave its gonna be fine - its not fine. i the wave pushes me down again and it does it with so much ease its as if the wave didnt even have to fucking try.

and that shit is messed up, i know. but i just i just feel so fucking helpless - i get frustrated and angry then. and oh boy if this wasnt enough i have anger issues. i throw things in anger, i speak things i am not supposed to say or i dont mean in anger. so yeah. i admit. the major purpose of putting this rant on my main blog was that people might read and give me comfort and tell me sweet things and praise me and whatever. i am an attention seeker - i agree to it. and i am gonna confess/agree to this too that i secretly liked when there was some small hate about me - the things people said in response to that - i really felt happy. i felt as if people do care, they do understand but it was again short lived bc then the insecurity came like a sudden wave - as if i wasnt expecting it to come so soon.

i'm just a boring, stupid and the biggest dumbfuck ever. i'm sorry if you think that, i am really trying to be interesting istg i am. just give me more time - i will be fine. i will be the interesting person. just give me some time.

[thequeenb]

Poppy x MC

I know what you are all thinking..How the hell did us two even start dating? Well i never said i dont like her she is just always irritating damn it. It all changed one starry night when we had our first kiss, at first everything was confusing but then everything made sense

Our little fights, our intense make-out sessions, our unexplainable anger, our big confession. That's how things were since day one and how could i complain? But everything have been so secretive that it made me question if this is even real anymore.

"Now you should leave darling, Chloe will be here at any minute" Poppy waves a hand dressing up and i frown trying to show no emotion. Maybe i thought we were something, who wouldn't to be honest? When i told her that i liked her i thought it was mutual but boy oh boy was i wrong?

I sigh as i pick up my stuff exiting the room. I don't dare to say any word because i know my sensitive side will take over. What's wrong with me? I shouldn't have said anything in the first place but for once i said yes to taking risks

I plug my airpods in playing Apocalypse by CAS, surprisingly it's her favourite song and you know me, how could i not melt for Queen Bee? I walk around the campus remembering all the times i pinned her against these walls kissing her until she couldn't breathe.

What's the point anyways? I don't want to be anyone's secret, does she feel ashamed to be with me? Who cares what this university says if you truly have feelings for someone? I sigh walking further into the campus, its past midnight and it seems that i am all alone lost in my thoughts

I open my phone clicking on Instagram and of course they uploaded a story. Poppy, Veronica and Chloe enjoying a bottle of Rosé what a blust, except you had steamy sex an hour ago on these sheets.

It was just a hookup wasn't it? This question takes over my mind that i dont notice Zoe walking towards me

"Girl i was worried! You didn't respond to my texts" she says wrapping her hands around me. I squeeze her tight needing comfort and she strokes my hair whispering "It is Poppy isn't it?"

I sigh pulling back, sitting on a nearby bench. Of course it's Poppy, her and her manipulative ways. Great in the sheets but strangers on the streets, how charming

"She kicked me out because the girls were coming over, she doesn't want anyone to know about us"

Zoe's eyes widen "Are you kidding who would keep this a secret?" She gestures at me and i chuckle, A+ for the effort Zo. And she is right, i shouldn't settle for less than i deserve

"You are right--"

"I can sense a but and i don't like it. If she wanted you truly why is she being so secretive? And don't start with the reputation bullshit" she places both of her hands on my cheeks wiping away the tears i didn't know i had

Aaaand there goes a bright light making me go blind "What the hell?" I cover my eyes and Zoe does the same

"Gosh these people have miserable lives" she rolls her eyes standing up "Get your cute butt up and let's go get some drinks shall we?"

I nod smiling thanking god i have my best friend by my side. Without her none of these situations would be handled right and oh well i find her veeeeery pretty if you ask me

___

I walk towards my class when a sudden buzz makes me stop my tracks. At first i thought its my ranking update but oh no its an update from The T

Hello loves,

I want to thank my amazing sources for blessing me with something interesting. Newbee has been trying to steal the crown months now and along the way everyone started to look at her like that heart eyes emoji. Yesterday our Queen to be was spotted getting closer to our one and only Zoe Wade. I am not surprised are you? They have been a dynamic duo since day one. #couplegoals

Here is an image of them last night, don't forget to 'awwww' everytime you see them

My congratulations to the cutest couple of Belvoire. Kisses, The T

Oh no, no no no this isn't good. If Poppy sees this she will.. actually she has no right to say anything. Despite that my heart starts racing at the thought of her reading this clearly false update. Aaaand there she is, across from me glaring at me with murderous eyes. Everyone looks at me whispering and its honestly very frustrating, trying to avoid the crowd all i focus on is getting on my class that until my phone buzz again

"Meet me behind the field" I froze reading what Poppy just sent me and my mind is drowning with all the possibilities. Did i just fuck up even this little something that we share? God damn this blog and fuck all these people that all they care about is juicy gossip.

Do i even have a choice? Poppy will try to confront me no matter what so i might as well skip class, i am sure Miss Kingsley will understand, right?

I see her standing against the wall as i approach closer. She is tapping her heel on the cement and honestly? I am a little scared

"Hello, fancy meeting you here" i say smiling trying not to look nervous

She doesn't answer instead she makes the most angry face i have ever seen shoving her phone in my face. I swear if that red angry emoji was an actual person that would be her right now.

"What is this bullshit?"

"Oh wow calm down is that why i am skipping class? To explain to you something I don't even have to?" I fold my arms looking at her dead in the eyes. I am not usually the person who will let her anger get the best of her but Poppy's behaviour hurt me so this time i just let it slide

For just a second she looks confused but then she regain her composure "Zoe? Are you serious? This girl is a wannabe, just because her mother has money she thinks--"

"Wow wow pause there. Not another word about Zoe" i place one finger against her lips and her breath catches. Jeez can't you not be horny for a second? I think to myself

"Why? Did i offend your girlfriend?" Her tone is ironic yet jealous and you know what? Jealous Poppy might be dangerous but she is also very sweet

"I am not in a relationship with her dumbass" i roll my eyes pulling slightly away from her

"But the photo--"

"Oh boo-hoo someone took a picture so what? Do you believe everything you see? She was fixing your mess because if you were clear towards me i wouldn't sit alone crying" these words escape my mouth without my consent and oh did i just admit how i feel?

Poppy looks stunned and actually speechless. Her eyes soften and i look away embarrassed "What do you mean?"

Yes what do i mean? I ask that question to myself all day and night. I have been trying to get her out of my mind but how could i? The way her perfume makes me dizzy, her soft kisses after each session, the way she looked at me like i am the only one in this world

"I don't know where we stand. You are so secretive that I start to believe this means nothing" i shrug trying not to let any form of vulnerability slip out

"Bea i- i thought i was clear. I mean i left you several hickeys on your neck--"

"Oh hold up! Do you really think hickeys mean we are dating?"

She nods and thats when i laugh. Oh wow this girl is really unique i swear "That still doesn't explain why you have been secretive"

Poppy sighs heavily, clearly uncomfortable by my question. At this point I don't care, all i want is to know if i waste my energy and emotions on someone who doesn't feel the same

"I am not good with words okay? I just didn't knew what to say or do to show you that i want us to be official"

Surprised i smile taking her hand in mine "You are cute when you are jealous"

"Oh shut up, you aren't that special" she smiles back and it makes my heart melt

That's Poppy. She isn't good with words nor know how to handle emotions. She was taught to be heartless and competitive and i can see why she is being that way. Her way of words are insults and in this relationship that's how we communicate

"Come here" she says pulling out her phone

Without another word she leans against me planting a kiss on my cheek. She snaps a photo and for a minute i think she will upload it, a girl can dream right? Oh wait a minute..is she actually doing it??

"What are you doing?" I ask looking over at her phone

"Uploading a picture. I want everyone to know that you belong to me" she is typing so fast i cant read what the caption says but then i get a notification

"Mine" it says with three heart emojis, thats so adorable i can't help but actually say awww out loud

"Well i didn't expect that but i like being yours" i say winking at her

We kiss and this time its different. The minute our lips touch i can feel my knees go weak. We kissed many times and you way ask, whats different now? Well now i am hers and only and my mind can rest now knowing i have a powerful amazing woman by my side.

Tag list: @lolimugly @origmansello @greatestflirt-hero @mvalentine @otakufangirl-12 @sugarplumpnhoneybun @princessstellaris @coldbatfriendroad @indecisive-choices @i-loveeveryone @kiara-36 @ognenniyvolk @somewillwin @it-lives-in-braidwood-manor @ghalind @sergeant-pepper-loves-choices @dibberdipper @justastranger-passing @nydeiri @simpforpoppy

[kittyspring-creates]

this is a rant fic mostly. Ship Kit x Larry my oc for sally face. Warning for suicide talk.

Kit sat with her back to the wall, knees to her chest as endless tears fell down her round cheeks. Evidence of her breaking heart, sore and torn. It didn't take long for her to be found. She was at a party after all. Someone else house. Someone else plans. Someone else life in a way. The gathering of people all having a great time as they lose them selves to the bliss of alcohol and drugs. But she had thrown her euphorbia up. Expelled it a while ago, her stomach to weak for what she wanted. It sent her spiraling. Alone in the back of the house where there was no bathroom, no alcohol, no drunk girl to mess with.

Just her and now the slapping of approaching feet. She gasped, snapping her head up to meet the person. He fear calming when she saw the figure. His slight sway in his motion telling his inebriated state. He stopped his walk right in front of her then rested his forehead on the wall. He Looked down at her as his long brown hair flowed over his shoulders. Darkening his hazy expression. She hiccupped as her tears stopped. He raised his limp hand to her head. Rubbing the side of it and petting her droopy ear that laid against her. She leaned into his touch and sniffled. Closing her eyes for a moment until he spoke to her.

"What's the matter" he mumbled, voice hoarse from the burn of the night. She lowered her head back down and began to sob. Her halted tears starting up again. "Everything. This place, my place, my family, my job or lack there of. I'm stuck. Stuck in a house if man babies and a yelling step mom who doesn't believe anyone else can be upset or is allowed to be emotional. Its just like before. Like with my mom. Her abuse and intolerance of me even breathing. Like my ex and his habit of starting fights and putting words in my mouth just to storm of and make me beg for forgiveness. Its never better. Its only ever worse and worse" she rambled. She sat up to wipe her cheeks and try to take in deep breaths. Gasping for air that she needed. Her voice shaking in whines and chokes with her personal waterfall coming down her face. "Its all terrible and no matter how much I prepare for the future rent goes up and food goes up and I need to prepare more so I don't end up on the street. But it keeps going up and I mentally cant handle working full time all the time. But its an excuse, I'm just being lazy, I'm not gonna go anywhere in life like that. I don't matter, my comfort means nothing" she raised her voice. She took in one last big breath and her shoulders sank. Her hiccups subsided and her gasping lessened. She laid her head down on her knees as she loosely held her ankles. She sniffled while she looked at nothing. Taking in none of what she saw before her. "Kitten" the man began again. "Do you want to die" he wondered. Low and raspy. She blinked slowly then mumbled "Yes, more then id like to admit" she confessed.

"You want to leave forever into the abyss where no one can hurt you anymore and you can finally stop existing" he painted a picture with his words. Kit raised her head to look at him, her large eyes dull and red from her crying. "Larry" she whispered. He pushed back from the wall and moved over to the right. He dropped down beside her, his head still swaying a little. "I think about it a lot. Dying. How easy it be. How it would end everything. Sometimes I get angry. They say death doesn't happen to you it happens to the people around you. Sometimes I don't care if their sad about it cause they don't care about me now. Cause I'm not around to help them with their shit so they mourn a therapist that worked without the pay or benefits. And that scares me to. That I don't care. Are you the same Kitten" he turned his head to meet her gaze. She was still holding herself. Hunched to rest in her prompted up legs.

"Yes, I think about that to. No one would really be sad. I would disappear and they'd fake it but really they'd all be happy. After the initial shock and the anger of paying for a funeral. They'd feel lighter with out me. I wouldn't have to fight anymore just to be heard. Or be back handed for having emotions and opinions. In a way id be free from all of it, the manipulation, the trauma, capitalism. Sometimes I don't even care about losing the good things if it means I don't have to suffer the bad anymore" her voice was distant, low and hopeless. Carrying nothing but the shattered remains of her chaotic thoughts.

The man turned his head to look out at the scene in front if them. "Id be sad...though I don't think it matters much. Because id know you'd be at peace. Would you be worse off it I left" he babbled. The woman leaned over to rest herself on his large form. "If you left I would never stop crying. I would cry until my heart cant handle it anymore and I took the leap myself. Its dramatic I know. Selfish even" she moved closer to him. He leaned down and rested his head in top of hers. "Kit, I'm barely surviving. Like you, its all I think about when I'm alone. How much I want to die. How much I know you want to die. How you walked out into traffic and if that car didn't swerve you wouldn't even be here. How everyone forgets and pretends it never happened. Acting like your fine. No one prioritizes you. I think about how easy it be for you to disappear." He reached for her hand and gripped it tightly. She let him, intertwining their fingers. She looked up to see him begin to tear up. "I hate that we're losing, that the assholes of the world have pushed us so far that we want to die. How they keep coming and no one seems to care or wants to do anything about it cause people are just people. I hate watching you suffer, I hate how everyone you met has taken a piece of you, that's not fucking fair. I hate how everyone's taken a piece of me. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Or how to make myself happy" the man began to cry. The droplets running down his face as he clenched his jaw in frustration.

"Larry I wanna take you home. But that would mean taking you to the place you hate. Where some man has walked your floors acting like he owns the place. And I can't take you to my place. Not with the constant yelling and temper tantrums going on. The lack of privacy everywhere. Its better to just stay here and fall asleep against this wall. Maybe we wont wake up" the man hiccupped at her ramble. A smile forming on the side of his face. "Your about to say something cute like 'they'll find us here together and know we were best friends'" now she was the one to chuckle and smile. "Are you quoting mew mew power" she wondered.  "Yeah" he held her tighter to stop the trembling of his hand. He ran his thumb along her hand. Trying to ground himself. The conversation ended. Both tired now and un able to move from their spot. The over whelming sadness anchoring them like stone to the floor and wall. Not like any of it mattered they concluded. They really could stay there and no one would care, no one would worry about them. They didn't matter to a soul. To the world around them.

[reineyday]

some feelings abt touya and bnha 302 in general! (long post)

jesus this whooooole chapter makes me so so so sad for touya, like he's canonically a crier and i just have all these images now of him crying off to the side while enji looks at his other kids and gives them the time of day. knowing that he was/is a frustrated crier makes the fact that dabi cant cry cuz of his burned tear ducts that much sadder ohhman

one of the things i cant get over is how touya was SO shunned by his dad that when he went to go tell enji about his fire turning from red to blue, he says "i might be as awesome as shouto sooner or later!" like?? this boy is 13 and shouto is 5 yet he's talking like the brother that's eight years younger than him is better than him and thar it's just a fact. the sky is blue, enji wants to beat all might one day, and shouto is better than the rest of his siblings. nevermind that he's only five and just wants to play with his siblings (and dont even mention to me how shouto says he wants to play with "touya and them" cuz im gonna fucking cry abt it. like even though touya's accepted he's bottom of the ladder in this family, shouto clearly wants some sort of acknowledgement from his older siblings and especially his older brother. IM FVCKN SOBBN). enji has made it clear in this family that shouto was what he was looking for and everyone else is not as important, and i knew this from shouto's pov but it's kinda wild to see it implied so casually in touya's words.

"you'll be glad you created me! i just know it!" HOLY SHIT. god my heart. oh my fuck. literally all enji had to do was show up to the fucking mountain, and he couldnt even do that? what the hell?? your son asks you to go to the mountain, you tell your wife not to let him go traim but she said she couldnt stop him, and instead of going yourself to make sure he's okay and BECAUSE HE ASKED YOU TO COME (and with an actually valid reason, no less! fire changing colour is kind of a big fucking deal!!!) you just?? let him go and let him stay there??? my god the amount of times touya must have burned himself and the trees with tears in his eyes. ahhhHHH!!!

what kills me (and touya too soon?) was that we thought before the back story started that enji forced touya to train till he burned up. then when 290 came out--and definitely after 301--we thought maybe touya overtrained himself and burned up. and sure, he was definitely overtraining, but to find out that the burns that "killed" him started just bc he was crying so much he lost control and didnt know how to ease up on his flames? he was upset and literally trying to get himself to stop crying, and then he just set himself aflame and burned up cuz of all his emotions??? that HURTS. holy fuck.

i cant believe natsuo's feeling lowkey guilty for not socking enji in the face like he wasnt EIGHT???? and let's be real, enji woukdnt have fucking listened to natsuo telling him to talk to touya--he already wasnt listening when touya would straight up say "look at me" and when even rei said touya just wanted enji to look at him and notice him. listen, i know sometimes miscommunications happen in families and children are embarrassed to admit they want attention and so their parents remain unaware that theyre not giving their kid something they want, but touya was as clear as can be on MANY occasions, and even rei agreed touya needed the attention and enji just wasnt listening.

also i know there was discourse abt touya being sexist by telling natsu that "the women in this house are good for nothing" and mb it was partly diff translations cuz i feel like saying "this house" makes it specific to rei and yumi instead of all women everywhere, but even disregarding that--i think it's a valid thought for him to have when rei wasnt standing up for him (where he could see, at least) and yumi admitted herself that she was too scared to interfere and so just tried to fix things and keep appearances. i feel like based on what touya's seen from them, it makes sense that he has that opinion. (also gonna mention that i think rei's and yumi's choices also make sense and i think they were valid, seeing as how they were afraid as well.)

and poor natsu being woken up in the middle of the night (what was implied to be often enough, esp cuz it seemed they share a room and their futons are close) bc of touya's pain. that's a lot of emotional responsibility for an eight year old, and it is also so sad that at 13, touya didnt have anyone else to turn to but his kid brother. at 13, i remember being fully aware of the distinction in maturity between an 8 year old and myself, and it sucks that touya couldnt go to anyone but a younger child with all his pain. i bet yumi being too scared to interfere translated to touya as "she wouldnt help me" and thats another reason he didnt go to the 2nd oldest when he needed to vent. (also not related to this but how the FUCK was natsuo so tall at 8 years old? wh a t)

this chapter. this fucking chapter. my heart aches for touya, and it's just such a huge fucking shame he didnt get the attention and validation and support he needed. there must have been workarounds so that touya could safely use his quirk. there weere DEFINITELY better ways to support your son through a self-destructive quirk, ways that involved actually being there and seeing him. i feel like if someone showed him the attention he needed and talked him through how to better control his emotions (and by extension, his flames) and a positive and healthy way, he could have been someone so great. and if he ever learned how to set aside the way he felt infefior to shouto and saw that shouto just wanted to play with his cool older siblings, it might have been really beneficial to see that there was someone there who thinks he's cool and gave him attention just bc he was an older brother, who needed him when everyone else in the househild didnt seem to need him.

and lastly, the fact that the chapter ends with rei saying that shouto is the family hero and that shouto will have to face dabi?? and it makes me angry that shouto has to take on that responsibility. that he was five and suffering for things he wasnt even a part of, couldnt be properly aware of, bc he was so young. he just saw that he was separated from his siblings and that his dad bullied his mom, then grew up shouldering enji's heavy goals and high expectations and abusive training alongside the barely-there memories of his older brother who died (i say barely there bc if natsu didnt even know shouto liked cold soba, shouto was definitely not around enough to have solid memories of touya before he "died"), and now he has to do the emotional labour of fighting his villain brother (who i bet shouto lowkey empathizes with when he thinks abt it late at night) as well as suffer the physical consequences of that agni kai. and it makes me angry that he has to do that, bc he's a Good Guy and he probably feels he has some sort of filial and familial responsibility. he's only 16. he just wanted to play with touya and them, and now he has to deal with this horse shit dabi's causing cuz his dad's an emotionally neglecting asshat who couldnt see past his dumb fucking ego until he saw shouto play with a bunch of kids during shou's remedial exam a decade after his eldest son burned himself to death. what the fuckety fuck.

lastly, since we saw touya burn uo the way he did... did he really just like... burn so much his jaw fell off, and that's how they found the jawbone? cuz holy hot (BURNING too soon???) damn that must have been painful as all hell. i wonder if next chapter we get to see if someone found touya at the park and helped him out and sorted out the jaw bone thing, or if we finally get to see if deku wakes up lol.

anyways this chapter hurt my heart big time, and i kinda wanna draw kid touya crying while being overlooked by his family to let out some of those feelings but we'll see.

and i still stand by my idealistic and naively optimistic hope that dabi gets redeemed and they soend some actually time together as a family (without enji. or at least, with an enji that has apologized to touya in seiza. like, forehead-to-floor apologize.)

does this hope sort out how dabi redeems himself, seeing as how he's murdered people in cold blood and shouldnt be excused for that bc those actions are also inarguably terrible? no. not sure how he could redeem himself for that kinda stuff honestly, but it doesnt mean i dont still somehow want the todoroki sibs to get along, cuz im weak for mending families.

also id like to send a huge kudos out into the world to rei todoroki for being firm for once and for also not running away from her mistakes like her asshole husband has been. i really admire and respect that. she was afraid and being abused, but now that she's been away from enji and has had time to heal, now that her and shouto are in the mend and she's seen that her eldest son is alive and a villain, she's a place where she can acknowledge that even though she was a victim too, she played a part in touya's emotional neglect and she's taking responsibility and that speaks to some incredible fucking strength. damn.

i hope one day that dabi realizes the same in regards to his mother and natsuo, who shouldered a lot of his emotional pain and suffered the consequences of his outbursts (even though his emotions are valid and his outbursts understandable, he still hurt rei and put a lot of pressure on natsu), and i also hope he sees that for all that he hates his father, his whole existence revolves around enji and it's a shitty place to be (and then he'll have ANGST abt it and that shit will be!! so good!!!)

yeah i think those were all my feelings. i had so many lol. their family situation is so difficult, i hope they all turn out okay and alive and healing.

oh i guess i also wanted to say that i kept calling enji an asshat and asshole cuz he was for sure, but i still think his redemption is valid and im glad he's taking those steps to be a better person by being a better father. i dont know if id want his family to forgive him for all that horrible shit he put them through (im personally hoping that no matter what anyone else does, natsuo will choose to to cooperate in the healing of his family as a unit but will never forgive enji) but i think it's good of people to try to be better than they were yesterday regardless of whether or not they get forgiveness. i dont personally like enji, but i dont hate that he's getting a redemption. i just hope it's a redemption that makes sense and forces him to put in the work, and isnt something like a death sacrifice for shouto or dabi. i want him to be alive and i want his redemption process to hurt like a fucking bitch while he forces himself to make better choices and be a better person, cuz redemption isnt supposed to be easy in the slightest. i GUESS all the crying he did in 302 was a good start.

anyways, if for some reason you read all the way down to the bottom--hello! and thanks for reading haha. cheers! :)))

[tylerwritez]

7:45 p.m. Sunday June 20th

Okay well... writing about the entirety of my day is gonna be. Quite the task.

Whatever. I'm dedicated to making this blog A Thing.

Today was Father's Day, so the first thing I did was get up and go downstairs. Gave my dad his presents. He made us pancakes. (I definitely ate too much today... but tommorow is monday so itll be easier to restrict)

We are, watched youtube, then we drove to Wabuman Lake. Idk,, the drive was just that: a typical car ride in which I struggle to find "car friendly" songs, aka songs that everyone will like... aka anything but metal and vocaloid... aka Radiohead, Weezer and Soda Stereo XD

When we got there, we rented a yellow paddleboat, which is this clunky plastic boat that you pedal to move, like some weird water bicycle. It was sunny, and honestly? I've always found being on the water to be calming. After that, we got ice cream (I got Blueberry Cheesecake flavour, my sister R got Cookies N Cream, and my dad got Burgundy Cherry)

I noted that there were at least 2 historical buildings there, along with... I forgot what I was gonna say. Nothing important.

Oh yeah, lots of cool old shiny cars.

We drove back. Got home, exhausted. I cleaned a bit. Idk. Didnt do much until after supper. Since we had fast food for lunch, we only ate a piece of bread and fruit smoothies for supper. We went out, I got a monster XD even tho my parents told me not to...

I got home, took a shower. While I was in the shower my dad got pissed at me for eating some of his chocolate but HE WAS SO SO SO MAD I was thinking to myself he cant be this mad over some choclate but you never know with my parents... they kinda hate me but also dont at the same time it's weird and hard to navigate.

Anwyays when I went downstairs he just. Seemed to have forgotten it ever existed and I mean, if he didnt mention it I wasn't gonna either. I did some homework then "went to sleep" aka went to my room, turned off the light, and pretended to sleep but actually talked to people online

People keep inviting me to hang out with them and I just hope my parents say yes to it all...

My friend Bee on Tuesday, Jay on Wednesday, on Saturday a group picnic...

If they say no to any of this I'll cry /hj

My talk with Jay tonight: I want to fuck him again RIGHT NOW. GET IN MY FUCKINF BED. RIGHT NOWWWW ugh. But also I noticed that since I explained one of my tone tags to him... HE USED ONE IN CONVO WITH ME. And idk. That made me so happy? I dont  know. I like how he proves consistently and constantly that he CARES about being considerate and cares about me.

That's a lot of the letter C but yeah.

And he said at some point that he missed

My body... and my shitty nerd gaming stuff and like. Omg he LIKES MY INTERESTS. I DIDNT BORE HIM TALKING ABOUT COMIC BOOKS AND VIDEO GAMES! SCORE. also he said he'd be down to cuddle without fucking which is. Great too... since I'm touchstarved and well... I call him Daddy. Nuff said.

As for Star... sometimes she just says shit that concerns me like it's nothing and I never know how to respond because I cant help her! I'm not a fucking mental health professional.

... when I told her mY shit she wasnt one either... why do I even try n help. Why dont I just tell her to go to therapy?

I'm angry at her a bit actually. She says shit like "haha just purged" and I'm like.... okay??? What do u want me to say to that.

Or like,,, I NEED TONE TAGS, OKAY??? I DO. this is mainly why I'm mad. She keeps making jokes without /j and I dont register them as jokes.... or maybe they aren't jokes at all and she just says they're jokes cos I get upset.

Sometimes instead of actually telling me how she feels, she uses this emoticon and... I dont understand what shes tryna tell me. And it keeps stressing me out. Idk. I told her look I dont understand it and she said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon" and like...

She tells me all the time no ur not overreacting dont let people tell you that you are and here she is. Telling me I'm overreacting. OUCH. THAT ACTUALLY MADE ME CRY IRL. STOP INVALIDATING MY FEELINGS PLEASE.

It actually  hurt me. Like I'm fr crying right now because. Ouch. How hard is it to just put a fucking "/j" after ur words? How hard is it to... use words and explain how u feel instead of giving me a straight faced emoticon. Its frustrating.

Also she keeps saying shit like "omg ur never horny what's wrong w u omg I'm the only one with a sex drive in this relationship how come u never initiate anything I need to fuck someone maybe *sends pic of model* maybe her" which like. A) is ignoring all the times I DID initiate stuff and B) makes me feel inadequate and like. I dont know. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough.

:/ I cant really be mad at her for my own brain being stupid.

Why am I so stupid? How come I never understand when people are joking? How come I have these weird things I do to feel comfortable? Why do I twitch and flap my wrists? Why is my ability to sleep restricted by the amount of weight on top of me (I need lots of weight)?

Why am I the worst person ever? I'm being 100 percent serious. My brain doesnt work! It doesnt. My emotions are too strong. They fuck everything up. I hate myself. Like, when Star said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon", I started crying. But when Jay said "I always want you to feel comfortable around me", I immediately felt such love toward him and I told him I love you... but I had to say it was as friends. Cos we have a "friends with benefits" thing going on... not even an actual relationship.

Well now I'm sad that he doesnt like me romantically but whatever. Hes too perfect and sweet anywayssss he deserves better than me.

Wait. Where does that leave me?

Alone? Again?

Alone?

ALONE????

Maybe I deserve it... but I actually genuinely cant live like that. I cant. I cant live. Without love. My parents fucked me up like that 🤪

But also I realized that I'm a lot happier in good relationships where people show me they love me and care about me and such.

FUCK JAY JUST TOLD ME HOW MUCH HE LIKES ME... even if it's just as a friendship thing.... I appreciate it so much. Hes so fucking sweet it hurts. I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM SO SO MUCH. he told me, our sex can be rough but our relationship has to be built off trust and respect... LITERALLY FUCK ME RIGHT NOW.

Update we are now officially "best friends forever" but we also kiss and fuck and cuddle okay. That's a thing. I LOVE HIM. it's okay though. I don't know I said yeah let's be bffs then I physcially cringed. It's okay though. I'll be fine. It functions as a sexy romance thing anwyays.

I love him so much. Hes the best. Fucking hell. Hes the kindest person ever.

Also can Star please stop fucking with me. She said she'd stop using the emoticon and I said "thanks" and then she used a weird emoji to react to my thanks because she wanted to "acknowledge that she read my message without liking it".... oh so you dont like it??? What??? I said "okay" and she was like "yikes, you upset?" And I said idk cos I am but whatever and she USED ANOTHER SFUPID DUCKINF EMOTICON THAT I DONT UNDERSTAND WITH THE WORD OKAY OMFG. OMFG. PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THAT MEANDS. OH MY GODDDD. I'm angry.

Fucking hell. I just wish... whatever.

If Jay liked me ROMANTICALLY as well...  perfect life.

Whatever.

My parents have fucked me up really badly. I know so. Today I saw a comic where a kid started crying while getting yelled at and their mom HUGGED THEM. Omfg. If I cry when my parents yell at me they just yell more. The best thing I can do is stay quiet. Fucking hell. Fuck. I wish I got hugged. When I was upset.

Its 1:03 am. Fuck all this emotional turmoil I'm SLEEPING. Fuck this. FUCK MY PARENTS, FUCK STAR, FUCK MOVING AND FUCK SCHOOL. And FUCK STAR.

[el-im]

its just that i got home last night and i felt almost angry about how dinner had gone. i watched my friend sit next to me taking selfies with the filters on snapchat, having gotten tired of talking to me, listening to her family’s conversation about how they just didn’t want to give money to homeless people because they just ‘don’t know who to trust anymore you know?’ and how the ‘wish there was some way to tell who really needs help and who will just use your money for drugs’ and a ten minute story about how this woman (who works at the jail up north and who knows from her ‘girls’--because they’re ‘like my sistas, haha!’--that you can make more money panhandling than you can working a nine to five) saw a man who looked so despondent and who had his head in his hands, pulled over to offer to buy him a burger, some fries, and a coke from mcdonalds or something, only for him to respond that he just wanted someplace to sleep because he was cold--much to her chagrin, she said. working there, she knew all the resources around town and directed him to a shelter that was just a few streets away where he could stay, only for him to be completely disinterested, which just ‘confirmed her suspicions’. the heartlessness of it all. the way everyone nodded solemnly as she spoke, but not in empathy, instead agreeing that there’s just nothing than can be done about those people who are looking for handouts to buy more drugs. it occured to me, coming home that night, that maybe i don’t care about my friends as much as i’d like to imagine i do, and i know it. it’s all so frivolous and performative, maybe because i hear from them so often over the phone and have been seeing less of them in person but its so hard for me to care about people. i feel like i am polite to everyone unless you catch me on a really bad day, where i might be curt and unsure of how to respond to things... but even then in being clipped i am not outwardly rude, and perhaps that is why i am able to forgive myself for so much. because i never lash out, and because i never yell. i guess in my mind that makes me better than my dad, who would scream at us, though it’s not as though i’m any less angry about things than he ever was. actually, now that i think about it i’m probably more rage filled and frustrated than my dad ever was. not that that’s the point. but it’s all just so ridiculous. i am beginning to realize that i really don’t like abe, and that i am growing increasingly annoyed with re-washing dishes, or putting his shoes away, or hanging up the jackets he leaves out, taking his socks off the counter where he left them and putting them in the laundry room, for me to wash later. i am so fucking tired of opening cabinet doors to find things where they don’t belong, though anyone with half a brain could put something back where they found it originally, or where they know something to be. i am tired of opening cabinet doors and not being able to find the thing that i am looking for anywhere. i am angry that he can’t pick up after himself and i am angry that i have to do it instead. i am angry that if i said this to mia she would tell me that i don’t have to pick up after him, but the thing is, i don’t want to live in a dirty house. i don’t want to trip over his sandals when i’m walking into the living room, and i’d like to have the dishes washed so that i can have a cup when i make tea. it’s not like his being messy exists in a vacuum, or that his actions only affect himself. i am angry that he used the brush for the dishes to clean his golf clubs, that he took the hamper in the bathroom and left it in the backyard. i am angry that he keeps asking me why the mats that used to be in the kitchen aren’t there anymore. i feel insane. i was putting dishes away earlier (after having re-washed all the ones he left on the drying rack with food still crusted on them) and understanding the anger my mom always had when she found dishes in the sink in the morning after waking up, having gone to bed the night before after getting home from a long day at work and doing all the ones in there from the course of the day. i think to myself, ‘good lord, is this it? i wash dishes every day for the rest of my life until i die?’ and what kind of a setup is that. i don’t want realism. i don’t want monotony. i feel so heartbroken and so frustrated and i start crying about the dishes but it’s never about the dishes. i was scrubbing rice from the bottom of a pot and i got angry again about my mother and sister repeatedly arguing with me about suicide being selfish and thinking again about my realization that they will never understand me. that if they can’t wrap their minds about why anyone would ever want to die because it would cause the people in their lives grief, they’d never understand the grief it takes to get you to that point. the frustration. it’s so infuriating to think that they could see my suicide as something deserving of condemnation. i need sympathy, i need love, and they’d be doling out scorn in ladles. who thinks like that? who lacks that much compassion? can’t they see that that would be the last thing in the world that would be about them? i wish they could stop thinking about themselves for a minute and think about me. ‘selfish??’ i keep thinking, as though i were hissing it at them. how could that ever be selfish? it’s not about the self at all, it’s about quality of live, environment. i don’t care about anyone. i don’t care about anyone. it’s so frightening a thought but its true! i keep thinking that maybe i need new friends or that maybe i need to rekindle friendships with old ones but no one matters to me! i don’t care about other people at all. i don’t care about my sister, and i feel so awful about it. like i should be devoting more brain space to her health especially after this new diagnosis, but it’s like it doesn’t even cross my mind. i wish i were normal, because normal people seem so attuned to all this stuff, they seem so touched when i talk about her and what she’s going through but i just cant muster up enough care. like the well is drained. there’s nothing there to pull from. i don’t care about my future or my career or school, (i used to care so much about school). i don’t care about my garden or the dogs or the new kitten. (i thought to myself when i saw it and was unmoved ‘this is it. this is how you know.’ because no one in their right minds can see a kitten that small and that precious and not care). i don’t care about anything, least of all myself. i just know that whatever this is, i don’t want it. i feel fucking terrible, and i can’t sleep at night. my bed is uncomfortable and my head aches all the time. my advisor returned my email and it made me think that everyone is so incompetent and incapable and why am i bothering with this at all? i don’t like it, and i don’t care about it. it isn’t important to me and it’s not going to be useful (what in the name of fuck would i do with a biology or english degree?). i just want to sleep all the time. i want to dream. i get so frustrated with those messages you see about why you should “keep on keeping on!” and why life is worth living and all that. people are so weird about suicide that they’ll message people they dont know and dont care about saying to hold on hope and that things get better and they people love them but... firstly i don’t know why its anyones business what anyone else does with their own lives and secondly... things literally do not get better. there’s not an uptick that makes any of this worthwhile, or any good proceedings that come without grief. i understand that that’s kind of how things go but like... that fucking sucks. why would i want that. 

[codyssfern]

ooh, a request? okay so what about being shawns gf right in the middle of this clownery, like he has no choice but to do the pr stunt with c but then it keeps getting harder on him and after the day on the beach he totally breaks down and tells you he cant do it anymore and you comfort him and just 🥺 the angst 🥺 the fluff 🥺 the feels

decided to combine these two requests and give y’all a sequel. might want to read this one first.. enjoy ;)

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*  *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*  *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ:

“Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello spice things up at Miami Beach!”

your heart sunk as you scrolled through all the pictures and videos of your ex boyfriend with the girl he sworn would never come between you two. it had been almost 4 weeks since you broke up with shawn. 4 weeks long heartbreaking weeks you’ve spent inside your apartment, watching movies, eating like never before, and going to sleep at 3am every night. you had tried your best to avoid any media outlets talking about your ex boyfriend but that’s kind of impossible when he’s one of the most famous people in the world. if it wasn’t your friends sending you articles, it was you turning on the tv and seeing nothing but shawn all over the screen. it was you in line waiting to buy breakfast and suddenly his song started playing. it was you cleaning your closet and stumbling upon one of his shirts. he was everywhere. everywhere but with you.

today it was your first day back at work after kindly asking your boss to give you some time off to sort out some things. when you arrived you were greeted with pity looks and endless hugs. you wanted the earth to swallow you whole but in a way it made you feel like everything you went through was real. andrew had made it his goal to keep your and shawn’s relationship out of the media, even before all of this he was always telling shawn to keep you two on the down low. of course there were always fans who saw more than what andrew wanted them to see, fans who questioned everything, and got suspicious. there was a bit of talk about you after the breakup, like “where is y/n? why isn’t she of any of the tour pictures anymore?” or “why did y/n and shawn unfollow each other?” but the questions remained unanswered.

-

“shawn just calm down!” 

but he couldn’t. he’d been pacing back and forth for the last 10 minutes, everyone in the room swore he had made a dent on the carpeted floor.

“i can’t do this anymore!” the soft cries and cracks in his voice made everyone go silent. “i can’t keep lying to my friends, my family- my fans! my girlfriend. my real girlfriend!” 

andrew started motioning for people to leave the room so it could just be him and shawn.”

“shawn to be fair y/n did break up with you..” gerty says as he closes the door.

shawn turns to him, “and would you care to tell me why?! why do you think she broke up with me?” 

gerty sighs, “kid you did sign the contract. you can’t keep blaming me or the rest of the team for your actions,” shawn couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of his mouth, “i know it’s been hard-”

“now you know that’s a load of bullshit andrew!” andrew’s eyes widened, he’s never seen shawn so angry, “you told me there was no reason for me to go over the contract because you already had. when i wanted to go over it myself you wouldn’t let me! you kept saying it was fine.”

shawn wanted to hop on a plane, go to y/n, and tell her that she was right all along. that he should’ve kept bugging andrew until he gave in and let him read the contract before signing it. hell that he shouldn’t have agreed to any contract in the first place. not one that he felt would put his career and personal life on the rocks. 

“i should’ve listened to y/n and fired your ass a long time ago!”

andrew knew that if any of this got out his ass would be dust. the label itself would fire him. as shawn’s manager he should never let shawn sign any contracts without having shawn go through them first. 

“i’m sorry kid but i did what i thought was best for your career. both me and camila’s team thought this would be a good thing-”

“well it wasn’t! it isn’t. its all bullshit and i want out of it.” shawn was desperate. he felt like his world was falling apart day by day and not to mention his anxiety lately was off the roof. “now if you can’t get me out of this mess i’m contacting a lawyer, a lawyer outside of the label and you know what that would mean for you.”

andrew had no other option but to agree. 

-

you weren’t so excited be back home. frankly you were tired of being alone. tired of moping around. you even asked your boss to give you an extra shift to cover for all the ones you missed but she didn’t allow it so you had no choice but to go home. you took a bath, made yourself dinner, and now you were watching tv in the living room with a fuzzy blanket wrapped around your cold body. you had a few glasses of wine with your dinner and you were starting to feel sleepy. alcohol always made you sleepy which was something shawn used to tease you about.

if it hadn’t been for the buzzing coming from the coffee table in front of you, you would’ve passed out cold. when you went to look at who was calling, you could have sworn your heart had stopped. 

shawn mendes

you wanted to click the small red button and continue with your night but your fingers didn’t move. it was like you were frozen. you let out a sigh of relief when the call failed through and his name was no longer on your screen... thought that didn’t last as long as you want it because not even a minute after he was calling again. 

“fuck it!” you said to yourself before pressing the green button. 

all you heard was loud shuffling. like a bunch of people were crowded in one tiny room but in less than a few seconds all you could hear was his voice.

“y/n...” 

you stood up and found yourself pacing around your living room, “i hope you’re not drunk right now shawn.” 

“i’m not. i’m just on the verge of losing my mind,” he admits, “i’m so sorry. i’m a fucking dumbass and you were right. you were right all along.” 

hearing him cry was almost as bad as seeing him cry. he had never cried on the phone with you and it all made you want to hop on a plane and go to him. 

“anxiety has been eating me alive since you left. i can’t do what they want me to do anymore- can’t be who they want me to be,” shawn cries, “please just tell me what to do y/n. help me.”

you felt stupid looking around your apartment as if you were going to find an answer that way. you felt as if a ticking bomb was about to go off any second now, you were confused. hurt. worried. but most of all scared. 

“shawn i can’t tell you what to do,” you start, “but just breathe okay? do the breathing exercises we used to do before a show,” you remind him, “take a deep breath, cmon.”

“i-i i can’t,” his chest was only getting tighter.

you took a deep breath and told him to do the same. soon enough he started following your actions. this wasn’t the first time shawn had called you while he was having an anxiety attack, there were common with him. 

“all better?” you let out a weak smile. 

shawn took one more deep breath before finally letting himself feel relaxed or well at least better. he was no way near feeling relaxed.

“yeah. thank you.” he smiles, “y/n i- i fucked up and i let the best thing in my life just walk out right out of it and i just fucking stood there like an idiot!” you chuckle making him let out a breathy laugh, “that night you left is like you took my heart with you or something and i just felt empty.”

you really didn’t know how much of this rambling and confessions you could keep listening to, it already had you tearing you and pouring yourself another glass of wine. 

“i just want one more chance. i want to do it right.” he finally finishes.

you groan in frustration, “shawn there’s just- i don’t think we can do that! it’s impossible. the last month of our relationship we spent it arguing it and saying so many horrible things to each other-”

“i know. i know,” he interrupts, “and i want to make it up to you. we should make it up to each other, we deserve one more chance... so just open the door, y/n.”

you were about to say something but then you realized what he said. 

“open the door? what door? like a metaphorical one...?” and then there was knocking on your front door.

there is no freaking way. you thought to yourself. 

“shawn i swear to god if you’re out there i’m gonna kick your ass.”

he laughs and you start walking towards the door, “i’d like to see you try.”

you unlock the door and it took you a few seconds before actually twisting the knob and opening it. you once again just stood there frozen as the tall boy stood in front of you looking at you as if you were the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. and you were.

you chuckle in disbelief, “you fucking idiot.”

“please just.. come here.” 

he extends his arms out, inviting you into them and this time you don’t think twice about it. wrapping your arms around his waist and snuggling your head on his chest as he left a kiss on top of your head.

you could get used to this again. 

[tigerheart101]

Back from a break

Sorry to my friends and fellows for my silence. i took a major mental health break.

 because i learned that the majority of this world is made up of liars. Even people who claim the best intentions, when they find a weaker soul they will manipulate their ways into a win. 

The day when a slightly troubled but generally obsesssively careful and good person is prosecuted when they helped someone who was legit a bad person with bad habits and they helped this person be good and happy and just generally well behaved but still be themselves. then just one day the good person is so emotionally and mentally drained because they have overloaded themselves with work because everyone keeps saying they can handle it that their smart enough their strong enough except that bad person who all though they never out right said anything they constantly reminded them they were nothing but what others wanted them to be then eventually this good person snaps.. stops talking, stops function and ultimately STOPPED HELPING.  my best friend who i have learned is 1 of the only people i have ever been able to trust more then my own family finally said to me.  “it does no good to be a good person if everyone sees you threw a bad filter. and it does no good to give more of yourself to help others when you have nothing left to help yourself. cant fill someone elses glass to the top with water when you only had a half cup of water left in your own. “ 

Id love it if i was such a hard core edgy person that i can say these experiences have taught me to say fuck you to the world and help myself. but it hasnt, i just today gave a stranger 5 dollars to buy herself a bus ticket home to her kids. i still watch 5 kids for a friend for free because their going threw alot and really just needed a bit more help. i still take care of everyone while cried in my uber ride today cause we passed a pilot station. this is just who i am ok.  these experiences, ruined my education. but i wont let it stop me, i got my ged last month and i will be going to school for my associates and later my degree soon as i can securely.  i just got hired for a great job, and i start work in a week and im excited to do it.  i have a girlfriend who is going threw her own struggles and yea we fight sometimes but i love her and i refuse to give up on us because i dont give up on people.  i have my own family, not one i was born to, not one out of obligation or just so they can say they tried to help the troubled girl. but one that loves me up and down. who has watched me grow up in hell threw when i was generally bad (which my bad was having additude, crippling stress and a short temper) and my good which is not now and not then.. my good is a day when i wake up after a good night sleep. which is rare.  i have stopped taking all my antidepressants and anti anxiety even my migraine meds...and you know what..i am so much happier...yea i am traumatized and scarred after this last year of hell.. but being honest without the meds that supposedly are suppose to help me. i have more happy days.. my meds had caused me to gain weight rapidly on top of the far from healthy way i ate. my meds made it so yea i didn't cry as much but when i should have been crying i was sad as hell but i didn't cry, i didn't scream i did nothing but sleep, go to school, and sleep some more, eat whenever i was forced out of the house or someone else put it in front of me.... i dont need it. i hate drugs, before it was just illegal ones. right now its all of them.. because i was a good girl, i did everything my doctor told me to. and all it did was ruin my life. it killed my motivation to function, it made me into a zombie who could barely function and my doses where never even that high. i was so careful i started on tiny doses to try and prevent this very issue and i still had it.. it made me process my heart ache and stress as anger. it made me scared of leaving my room and it made me just want to sleep all day.it made what was never a very healthy body to begin with a much more unhealthy body and nearly made me diabetic because my metabolism was so slow i could no longer handle all the sugar and food and carbs i ingested. 

right now, i should be angry, before i would have been, i would have felt it all as anger and frustration thats all i felt when on my meds.. but right now i dont have it in me to be angry anymore. those who hurt me when i did nothing then be the best i could. i dont care anymore. to those who hurt me out of anger because i stopped making myself sick to keep them happy. To those who gave up on me because of others lies, or things that are just honest to god normal. or things i had no control of. i hope you feel better.  im sorry i pushed you all to the point of giving up, or hating me. im not angry with any of you. i forgive you for your part in it all. and im sorry for mine. im sorry i didnt have it in me to beg for help, or say something when i was stressed, or ask for help when my whole body begged for me to cry or scream but all i did was go to bed. im sorry to my therapist for the fact i couldnt tell you what was wrong with me and every time you gave me homework i never ever did it because i didnt want to acknowledge my feelings and validate them long enough to deal with them and i wanted to just ignore them. im sorry to my family that i wasnt loud enough, funny you always said im loud as hell tis annoying, but for once the problem was i wasnt talking enough and you forgot who i was, you forgot everything about me, dont to the fundamentals of who i am.  im not angry, im not resentful, im honest to god heart broken. i have dated alot i know it. im young thats normal its part of finding yourself for some girl. what i learned, is no heart break is the same as having your own family reject you. no pain is as bad as legit being told that your not wanted, that your a wasted time or that they wish they had never meant you when they are your own blood. 

but im not angry. i was bitter at first with everyone. i didnt understand who people who claimed to protect and love me. could have forgotten who i am at the very core of me. so quickly. but i get it now.  thank you, you taught me alot.  you taught me my voice is valid. im loud as hell, but at least someone hears me.  you taught me that its okay to not be okay because fuck being okay.  you taught me who really loves me. you taught me i have fucking amazing friends, and which ones they where.  you taught me that my biggest fear, was gonna be my greatest strength. 

my girlfriends who family disowned her cause shes trans. She says everyday that only people she trusts is me and her grandmother who is only family she has left. we get in fights built on the foundations of these exact trust issues. 

i understand and respect her pain. but i dont get it. she knows that and loves me for it. because i went threw hell this last year. and lost alot of people to lies. but i still trust everyone. i still offer my neighburs baked goods and a smile every time i see them. i still give homeless people a dollar cause they asked. i still love my family even those who never wanna talk to me. and thats ok.. i dont get the distrust. because to me.. being happy is about being yourself. and you know what. im naive, im volnerable, im ditzy, and oblivious, i trust to much, i give to much of myself, and i love people who dont always deserve it. and im ok with that.  my kindness might be undeserved but ill give it.  i have been nearly killed, betrayed, abused, and assaulted. but each of those people could come to me right now for help. and ill still give it to them. because i was taught if i have it to offer it to someone who needs it.  im okay with that. my girlfriend can be distrusting and angry thats okay to. because i need someone to protect my volnerable ass cause i wont risk hurting someone else to protect myself. 

[icameinlikeagerbula]

rant

this is the only place no one i know irl follows me so this is the only place i feel comfortable posting. and i need to just get my feelings out somewhere.

i swear lupus is one of the worst fucking diseases on this planet because you get all the pain and shit of cancer but instead it kills you slowly and you'll never get rid of it you just have to live 70 years of your life feeling like a god damn truck has run over ur body multiple times jdsvhjbsvhjbfdbhjfb I'm FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY AT THE WORLD AND I WANNA CRY SO BAD IM SO FUCKING DONE. I CANT LIVE THE LIFE OF A NORMAL 20 YEAR OLD. I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING INVALID. I CAN'T DO SHIT. I CANT GO TO SCHOOL WITHOUT FEELING SICK, I CANT HANG OUT WITH FRIENDS, I CANT FUCKING GO TO THE MALL BECAUSE IT HURTS SO DAMN MUCH AND IM TIRED OF PRETENDING EVERYTHING IS OKAY WHEN ITS NOT ITS NOT OKAY I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO JUST DIE AND BE DONE WITH THIS STUPID DISEASE.

i don't want to take chemo i don't want to lose my kidneys i don't want to take drugs that could potentially kill me if not already ruin the remaining quality of life i have left. I'm depressed. I think I'm suicidal. My anxiety is through the roof and theres just so much pain all I can think about is if i killed myself I wouldn’t feel this pain anymore. My soul will be able to leave behind this sorry excuse for a body. This damaged, sick body. Whats the point of living if i can't live a normal life? Im 20...I wanted to do so much, i wanted to complete university in 4 years like everyone else but nope i spend so much time in the hospital its going to take me at least 6 to get my degree. I wanted to travel the world, back pack thru Europe, walk the Inca trail...but nope because leaving my house for more than an hour is asking for a day in bed. I want to go out with my friends and dance and drink and flirt with boys but I can’t because I can’t drink, dancing will leave me bed ridden for a week, and boys don’t want a girlfriend who’s constantly in and out of the hospital for severe exhaustion. Forget getting job, my dream job is dead because theres no way my body will be able to handle the hours that come with it. FUCK I can’t even paint without having to use a brace for my weak wrists. My back is KILLING me. Sometimes the pain is so bad I can barely breathe and I feel like I’m going to suffocate to death right then and there. 

[glasspigeons]

alright yall heres an account of my batshit fucking day bc i need to write all this down while im still angry. its gonna be long

so, a lot of my friends are cheerleaders and their state competition was today. during first period one of them asked me if i wanted to go and i asked my dad if he was chill with me driving an hour and half out of town alone and he said yes so i told her id go. i was real excited about it bc ive never driven that far by myself and ive never been to state comp before.

so i go home bc i dont have class, i do my nanowrimo work for the day, feed my snake, get gas, and eat. its like 2:30 at this point.

but the one thing. the one fucking thing i forgot to do. was get cash. and as far as i knew it was a free event. so not a big deal right?

WRONG. SO FUCKING WRONG

so anyway, i make it to this little backwater town where the competition is without a hitch, everythings cool, i pull up to the civic center and theres a sign that says entrance is $10.

which, like, okay, i thought it was free but whatever ill just use my card.

“we dont take debit,” says the ticket booth lady, who in hindsight might have been the devil himself disguised as a non threatening southern churchgoer.

“is there an atm” I say.

“no but theres one at the pizza hut down the street,” she says, smiling like an angry mom at a pta meeting.

so i begrudgingly walk all the way back across the parking lot and get in my car and go to the joint gas station-pizza hut where the atm is. im not super mad about it bc its like 5-ish and the comp starts at 5:30 so at this point i was still gonna be on time. 

but then i walk up to the atm and i see a giant sign that says they dont take mastercard. take a wild guess what my card is. 

by now im a little frustrated and kinda scared bc the gas station is full of creepy white dudes with no teeth. im a teenage girl. 

but i go back to the civic center and try to call people that i know are inside the building. only theres no signal because we’re so far in the middle of nowhere that even god cant see us. so i go back inside and talk to the lady again, and im like. obviously distressed. like there’s no way she can't tell i was just crying in my car.

i ask her if theres any way i can get in.

“there’s a walmart a little bit past that pizza hut, i think there’s an atm there,” the spawn of satan says.

i explain to her that im not from the area, that i know people in the building that could pay for me and that i really, really do not want to be wandering around this creepy ass town by myself at night.

“the walmart has an atm” she says.

so, because im a stubborn bitch, i walk back out to my car and go back the way i came to try to find the walmart. im having a mild panic attack because theres a good chance i just drove an hour and a half for nothing. after about ten minutes of driving i realize either i passed the walmart or it doesnt exist, so i stop at a gas station. i finally, finally get some money from an atm. it’s almost 6:00 now, i’ve missed the first part of the comp.

i think its over. it is not over.

apparently when i pulled into the gas station i must have gotten a little turned around, because when i leave i end up on a road ive never seen before. it takes me a while to notice because all the roads look the same, but then i pass the creepiest factory ive ever seen in my life. im talking like alice isnt dead levels of creepy. like this place was in the dead center of a huge field, had no parking lot, no cars, and no visible workers, but was totally lit up. 

i realize that A) im lost and B) I might have just driven straight into purgatory, and my mild panic attack turns into a full blown breakdown. 

after a couple minutes of assuming im gonna die, i get a little bit of my intelligence back and turn around. i eventually make it back to the gas station and figure out which way i need to go. i check my phone for the first time since i was at the civic center, and i have 4 missed calls from my dad.

turns out he was freaking out because i wasn’t responding, had called all my cheer friends and was like one missed call away from filing a missing persons report.

so, anyway, after i calmed him down a bit i FINALLY made it to the fucking comp. and the demon in a floral blouse is there to greet me. 

“oh, i’m going to give you the student price since you went to all that trouble.”

what was the student price? $5. 

i was almost an hour late to the comp. i had a panic attack and caused my friends and family to almost call the cops. all of this happened. because of $5.

after that i got pounced on by an entire cheer squad and had to post on my snap story assuring everyone that i wasn't dead, even though im pretty sure i actually died several times. some people thought i was flipped over on the side of the road or got kidnapped or some shit, some people thought id skipped town without telling anyone.

i ended up staying late so that i could follow one of my friends back home because my phone’s maps still weren’t fucking working.

what im trying to say here is fuck ticket ladies and fuck the interstate.

[weabbynormalblog]

Childhood trauma=Adult Survivor

The things we tell ourselves. Be careful for what you wish for. Its really important to stop crying over shit you can't change or control.

I know its hard. Don't do this don't do that etc. Suffering is necessary especially if your a Buddhist and certainly if your human.

The Sercret, The law of attraction, the latest buzz words, you'll catch more bees with honey, that's a fact. Act now! Try this! Find the easy way out? Is there an easy way? No decision is still a decision. Stay, go, turn in circles, pondering the all of its entirety. All vying as your solution. Yes like attracts Like. FACT Belief overules like. Thats why "This shit of attracting is all wrong!". " Hello? Belief is everything!" Its our level of personal experience that is my "now" domain. I'm the God here in my life in this body today. I believe what I believe till I believe otherwise...I say the human experience should be all-inclusive, empathetic, understanding and supportive. Most people and humanitarians would agree. That's not how nature works. Survival of the fitess. Do or die. Like attracts like and I get tackled and body slammed to the ground. Why? Am I a bad person because of "xyz"? Nope. Did I do something to someone else? No. This time it was all because I was mad, triggered and I exploded; had a verbal melt down. The neighbor was disturbed by my authentic emotions. No nukes were sent, no one is getting hurt here. Just venting and trying to work out my anger. Not to hold shit in and to stop the rings of abuse. Clearly the other person in the room was overwhelmed too. Im trying to solve some issues instead I get yelling and fuck yous. I know this is not my fault!!!??? I know the whatever happened to me. "Insert major life changing event here" I am changed there is no doubt...nothing worked out as I hopped or wished it. Even so I took all steps necessary and just the same outcome. Still void, suffering and unremarkable. Yet I am where I am. No further along or better or worst off. Cha cha cha! And I must do without and put up with injustice. Denied!!! All my emotions are tied up in a neat, tight, the most perfect, best ball of raw ugly emotions on a kitchen timer ever ...I can't talk to anyone about anything, thier shackles get up and they go on the defensive, then arguing and me walking away because again I am unable to communicate what I need and overwhelmed again by my situation. Unable to communicate what is necessary for us solve our issues to move on together or apart. Grrrrr This is so common for us with brain injury, PTSD and many other host of mental health issues. There is so much that needs to be said that it gets left unsaid. Often its too late for those in need. Its very difficult to relate and communicate effectively beyond our frustration with others. We don't have the copping tools or vocabulary to express it in times of great frustration or in dire situations specifically. Am I doing something wrong? How do I change it? I must also learn to protect myself as well. So I try to diffuse with humor. So hey dial it back a thousand buddy, calm down~ me im doing my breathing exercise "listen I got high blood pressure" in hopes they back down and talk calmly and nope. Another deep breath counting on the in to 5 hippopotamus hold 6 out 7 or 9 hippopotamus depending on my stress level at the time. Look I got a Brain injury, cant we get along? Meet half way? Can we talk later? When were not angry? No? Then just leave me alone and finally I get to walk away having dealt with someone within conflict as effective as possible. Progress for me even though nothing was resolved ~ yes theres more pain and more frustration. Live and try again tomorrow or move on. When being in a place of anger thats all you can relate to, you are not able to understand anything else? Some can some can't. Im working on my flexibility, trust, bettering my health, down to my now moment. They want some kind of resolution and they end up dragging me back under again with things that aren't helpful for me, no truth, no resolution and just more critism and blaming. Not productive. Toxic people thrive in thier emotional power. Next step then. If they can not find the same patience you need to work on "issues" then work on improving your boundaries. Refuse to discuss issues when angry, make time to talk to suit

everyone. Agree to listen and then be heard. Set a timer. Be open, be reserved to be more distant from other people emotions and be more grounded with your own. Recognize and hone in on your own emotions. Practicing mindfulness, meditation, a healthful regime, socializing that benefits you too is necessary to being a good human. Im so tired of the fucking ripples that keep all my family apart already...All of it stems from the abuse and damage to the core of my soul that left rings on my childrens' lives as well. My Maternal Grandmother was in the Holocaust that tends to mare your parenting skills and the ripples expand. 3 to 4 generations of children no longer speaking to thier mothers. Im sure thier mothers were not to blame. No one protected me either. I was given up for adoption. I was abused. It happens.Thats ok I'll work with what I got. It can end there. No need to add to a bad situation. Maybe the 1person I sent off had my back. All because I promised Daddy Warbucks to make sure my best friend got on that plane. I understand I haven't been as good a friend to myself than I have to others. I was very self sacrificing like everything was my fault. Ive turned that bus around. At the end of the day you may think nothing matters. You matter! This world is nothing without your unique personality in it. Yet here you sit alone in fears with tears streaming down into rivers...I don't know about you but Im tired of wet feet. A lifetime of abuse and suffering very often at the hand of others. I over compensated for everything. Even my language supported it. It did surprised me on the face of Oliver that day. It was painful and it revealed more of the abuse of self to me often forgotten in the past similar moments of thier upbringings. Aha! PTSD, ADHT, me with Dyslexia no doubt I suffered along with my children. 11 years later we are finally starting to do the work that should of been done back then. No one was ready. I would of made my son sit at the table during dinner. Pressured my husband to enforce our agreed rules. Took time to feel and deal with the loss of Pearl, our marriage and business ...trying to understand our feelings, deal with our mental health issues Before seemed impossible, I never gave up on my family. i gave them the space they needed. Now theres Covid restrictions and passports. This stupid ass greedy human world. And now geography is still in our way. Its a lot and still only a fraction of what some humans suffer from the hands of other humans. Very sad. Friends will come and go. I know its what needs to happen. The toxic people have to learn thier lessons too. Next step is slow down give yourself some space and peace. Deep breathing till you feel you can respond when dealing with conflict. Or make another time to work on it. Do things at your own pace, no excuse needed they will wait, they feed off of it. Practice beneficial things. Like being self sufficient, its a struggle worthy of the time and effort. Im working to overcome my issues. I now know that's not the way that love or friendship should work. I ask why me what did I do to deserve such torture? I remind myself, it's only 1 part of the journey. Everyone hurts, cries and dies. Love should bring out the best. Not the worst. They are a lousy mirror right now. Thats ok we can still move forward. I can forgive them for what they were not capable of. I love them inspite of it all. As is, as it always has been. They were only capable of showing the negative even when I worked so hard to stay positive and be a good example. If not me then who? Critisim everywhere. No solutions only problems. They beat me down at every turn...I'm still breathing. Everything's a contest and no one ever wins. If you can't do this, then how are you going to do that? Why are you judging me and why do I care so much? I care not to be in conflict and this is what is driving or rather coloring my reality. I avoid conflict like Covid. My childhood trauma that I thought I dealt with years of therapy and moved on from was rearing its ugly head yet again. How

do I slay the beast for all time? My limiting behavior needed more help. So I needed to build a better foundation for myself. One built on everthing in its own time with practice, patience,acceptance, learning and more growth. So I won't have to walk away from conflict ever again. I can lean in and help us grow together as a couple or as a family or be what the other human needs positively in thier now moment. Sometimes its not about us, its about giving back with what we have learnt. I know it sucks that we have been thrown to the odds of fate to do better apart. Its not thier fault, or mine either. Yet heres me litterally paying for all of it. With my resources, energy, health and sanity. History has a way of slapping you in the face. Yes Im woke as fuck! Your opposition yes they too pay with thier blood, sweat and tears. Perhaps never on the same page or kiss or moment. At times my heart is so broken. Doubting thoughts need correcting. Like I want nothing much to do with the whole entire human race right now, I mean you no ill will. The Talliban kill with impunity, chaos and destruction in thier wake. Do they have no wants or desires but only destruction for what they can't have? Cant we teach them how to live, love and listen? Do they not want the same as others? A healthy family, a roof over ones head and food in our bellies? Are we not all from this world? I was told this duality is healthy. The human condition needs to see destruction to appreciate growth. I still don't know how this all will help that woman with the gun pointed at her head or to watch your family be slautered in front of your eyes. No human should know this. Violence has always been a part of being human. We are a human animal. I protect my life and those that I love. Life and death I choose to fight for my life and thiers. I also choose to fight for others ...when in reality we are just fighting ourselves. I appreciate everything I lost and have. So I sit in what will be my art studio and den...I know my worth and how lucky I am. I look about all the things that are still here. Stuff holds space. Illusions fade. Love can hold space for others. Did they loved me enough to say your beautiful or even I love you? Or cared enough to be by your side during your worst moments. Perhaps a we'll get through this together? Good thing I never needed any of that. I was always able alone. I did need kindness, empathy, support and understanding. It was devastating to be met with violence. Everthing was a fight in my life. But isn't that the nature of living? Personally Im tired of the abuse. They throw it back in your face every chance they get. So it seems the lesson is to look at who Iam or are. After reflection its our belief of who they are and who we are in conflict that decides the winner. Can they learn to look beyond winners and loosers? Meet us half way? Walk a mile in my shoes. I know I can. Its going to take lots of patience, proactive support and some serious housework and cleaning to shape up humanity on this world. I'm doing my work. Im not on this rock to police or please others. What about these toxic people? Where are thier lessons? They need help too, no? Society and my answer to that, is you have to go! Then the police say no. Due to Pandemic Conditions; I am in utter disbelief but I do understand. Past abuse that was not legally recorded. Yadda, Yadda shwing shwing. What about my rights and issues? Legal up Baby! Money and the boys club is still king. Harsh as it was, there are many other moments in my life that hurt me way more. I will survive this and move well beyond. I will not let others narrow mindedness change who I am. Openess, understanding, no judgements here. Yet my generousity was used against me and in the worst way by people I love like no others. Betrayed again. 》Tip off here. Recurring themes. Betrayal can be healed. At the time you could have punched me in the stomach, I wouldn't, couldn't even feel it. There was nothing but numb and delayed reactions. "Let's face it, the best is never good enough when you

have suffered abuse and neglect." Its a deep riff and or trauma that someone else may be responsible for in your psychological makeup that makes and moulds us too. It happens a lot. Unfortunatly its more common than not. Childhood trauma. I get that. As an adult I know it's my cup to fill. Unknowingly I may have inflicted it onto others, for that I apologize. I'm still a work in progress, working on myself here. I'm the one falling, stumbling and then I get back up. The damage has been done. Please walk away, I got this now. They had affected everything I did. At the sink, the powder room, the work, the garage.....mess here and there, important things left undone...here's me trying to get them all done and save the world too in one breath. No wonder its too big, too heavy and we all need to lift. The first step is admiting ill be ok, I've got my back. I'll get through this like everything else with tears, journaling and a hot beverage. I send strength and courage to those in need. You will find a way to cope, help and move on. Believe! I'll leave that guitar right there as a reminder of my shit and thiers. Along with the 7k check and your ego at the door. Let go of all expectations, broken words and promises. The stuff they said they would do...that they never did. You want something done? Do it yourself. Can't do it all then get the professional that you need.

I understand you are broken, we all are. The catch is you have to fix it and fill it. Talk to someone you trust or write it down, talk it into a recording app...whatever help you need you deal with it in a positive way 7f you can't then look that shit up. Own your shit and get on with living! You can do this! If you live in fear find a way to empower and protect yourself. Just remember we are just human here, right now. No super powers, no agents for the world or our times. Be humble, be open, heal yourselves and then help heal others. 1 person and 1 step at a time. Like the green grass that's brown in the spring, with water, care and nutrients in the fall it will be a sea of green. Small steps add up to big changes over time. Break it down. Carve out time for happiness practice. 15 minutes a day just you sitting in peace and quiet. Every step you take from here on will go in a positive, proactive solution oriented manor or not at all. It's what you choose to do《Tip. Choose better thoughts and food choices. Work on 1 thing at a time. This is what micromanagement is good for; on yourself. Yes we can be success and happy in life without anyone, that doesn't mean we should. We need to trust eachother and work together. We learn so much from conflict so don't fear it. Its what helps us grow and learn when we become stagnant.

[beesmaxx]

vent | tw : gender dysphoria & suicide

holy SHIT i feel so fucking gross and awful out of nowhere. i’m so TIRED of pretending to be someone i’m not, like 15 years of tired. ever since i hit puberty i knew something was wrong. this body isn’t mine, it never was mine, and it never will be. this isn’t the vessel in meant to have for this life. and it’s so suffocating FUCKING HELL!!! i want to cry but no tears come out. everyone views me as a girl and that’s all i’ll ever be viewed as. i want to tear my chest apart and rip my vocal cords apart so that i can never speak again. i feel so disconnected and i cant stop dissociating. i’ve tried to keep it together but i’m at my breaking point with this shit. “i’m so proud of my daughter”, “SHES’s so cool”, “(deadname), your chest is getting bigger”, “don’t wear that!”, “you look so pretty and feminine, i wish you wouldn’t cut your hair”. SHUT THE FUCK UP. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. i’m gonna fucking kill myself i wish so desperately that i was born male. no parts of my body feel right from my chest to my voice to my wide hips to my long hair to my chubby cheeks to EVERYTHING. i cant look in the mirror without wanting to cry and i’ve been avoiding showering as much as possible. fuck. i hate myself so much i wish i was a boy. i wish people saw me as a boy i know i am inside but nobody will ever fucking get it and it’s so frustrating. i cant breathe. i’ll never be able to come out in my real life i won’t be able to tell my parents. they will die thinking i’m their daughter unless i die first, which is very likely. fuck! fuck. fuck!!!! i’ll have everyone in my adult life know me as a girl. a woman. not who i really am. my parents will be so disappointed if i ever were to come out. they’d be angry and ask me why i’m doing this and tell me how selfish i am and how i’ll always be their daughter and how they feel the loss of me even though i’m still alive and i can’t take that. i cant go through that. i want to eventually start testosterone and have top surgery and have my name changed but i’ll never be able to do that. i’m going to be miserable but at least everyone around me will be happy with the shell of the person that i’m supposed to be.

[polonkamelonka]

Taken - part 3

summary: The next thing I can remember I was sitting tied up on the floor in the back of the van. I had a black bag on my head, which prevented me from seeing anything. I was trying to move, but a leg stopped me. Leg was resting on my chest and the owner of it spoke up: "I wouldn't be moving if I was you."

words: 1306 ( ok so its getting better)

A/N: i cant decide if i like this chapter or not

"I could feel their eyes watching me and the every step I took. His words "I promise you will enjoy your time with us. More than you can imagine." were still in my head.

I couldn't understand the meaning behind them. I was clueless of what can happen to me or who would do this to me. I didn't knew where I was, who the guys that took me were. I was lost. I once watched a movie about what can happen in this situation and it was scaring the hell out of me. The more I thought about it, the more fragile I became.

The guy from the van still had a grip on my arm. That way he could lead me in the direction we needed to go. I was trying my best to pick any smells or noises but the eye patch was over my nose and ears, so it was kind of hard.

We were walking for about a minute, when his grip on me tightened. It was starting to hurt and not long after I felt another hand gripping on my right arm.

It was not a grip of scariness, it was more of a dominant grip. They were trying to tell me that now I'm theirs, even if I tried to escape I couldn't, they had me under control.

I felt uncomfortable between the two men. Well it was a weird uncomfortableness, I felt hot but the closeness was bothering me.

Nothing was happening, we were walking straight ahead, not turning left or right. Just straight. After a while the material of the floor changed. Before I couldn't hear any sounds of our steps, now the steps were well heard. It was like we were in some kind of garage. After what it felt like a year of silence a men behind me spoke up. "Does anybody know where the boss is, because he just texted me saying that the location changed." I could hear confusion and anger in his voice.

A loud "fuck" was heard on my right side. His voice was new to my ears. He didn't talk while I was with them. While he yelled in frustration his grip kind of loosed but just for a second. It was like he could read my mind. The guy on my left side stood still the whole time. Like he didn't dare to move. Something was telling me he was not the leader of this small group.

All of the men were angry inside but they couldn't do anything but return to the van and get the address of the new location. We turned on our heels and walked back. I was concentrating on my steps, I was counting them for evidence, when I felt someone's lips on my right ear. They belonged to the men who had a grip on my right arm.

When he sensed he got my attention, he spoke up: "You are a good girl for not screaming, maybe you will later get a reward from me, and well it depends how you will behave in the van. A reward can change to a punishment in a second, so be careful... Oh and I noticed your lips moving, so don't bother on counting the steps it won't help you." He spoke in whisper, but his voice was still something I couldn't get my mind around it. How can a voice be intense and seducing yet intimidating at the same time? And the way his lips subtly touched my ear had me immediately addicted. The whisper was not loud, but loud enough for everybody to hear it.

After he moved away from my ear, man in front of me spoke up in a chuckling voice: "Suga stop messing with Y/N. Look at her, you made her frustrated and probably wet just with your voice. You can do that later, so will you wait please."

Name Suga was the first name I heard from them. Not that it helped because it was obviously a code name, but it just made the situation more real. It was still hard for me to believe that I was really taken from my own home, I was being watched for a long time without even knowing. They probably saw the things I really want to forget but I never really will.

I was not and still aren't the good girl everybody thinks I am. I did a lot of things I am not proud of.

I would often snick out of the house in the middle of the night and went clubbing or just drink in general. Sometimes I would just hang with random groups I met on the street and we would mess with people and stuff. There was a lot to me that nobody knew, not even my closest friends. My parents didn't know, they found out eventually and it wasn't the perfect moment when they did.

They always thought I was a good girl, a girl that does the opposite of what she was really doing. Everybody saw me as a nerd. Having straight A's wasn't easy, but was worth it if that meant I could go out and be the me even I didn't know existed.

I often made up a personality just to suit the group I was in. It was easier, I got accepted quicker. And it suits you know? Being someone you can't be in front of people you see every day, it excites you, but on the bad side it makes you lose yourself.

A lot of times I couldn't remember the things the real me liked. I was so in to the characters I made up that I neglected the true me. When I needed to decide something I couldn't, because every part of me wanted different.

That was the lowest time of my life. I think I was 17 years old. I was still a straight A student but I wasn't talking to any of my family members, I buried myself in school work so I would forget about my problems just for a moment.

I thought I was alone, but in reality I was the one that pushed everyone out. But to see that, was harder to do than say.

I think that went for a year, till my parents dragged me to therapy, because they saw I clearly wasn't okay. I would occasionally scream and cry in my sleep. So I think that blew my cover.

I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. They told me that making a different personality every time I entered a new group, triggered the part of my brain that was sick. And then the rest happened.

I was in a mental hospital for a good year or less. But the time I was in there, is the time I will always want to forget. But I'm okay now, I think. This is a type of disease that when is triggered again, the things you pushed away start coming back. So I need to be in a complete control all the time.

I controlled myself fine before I got in to hands of those guys. Every minute I spent with them, made my hard work in a hospital just useless. I realized I was fucked. I couldn't take control of myself anymore, so they did it instead.

A/N: IDK it just happened don’t blame me 

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[fuck-customers]

The story of Captain Cuntface

A fuck coworkers/managers submission. (This is long, I'm sorry, i need to vent somewhere)

So, I've worked at this car dealership for about 3 years, and the entire time i've been plagued by Captain CuntFace and her Evil MiniMe. When I first started, I should've known the situation I was getting myself into because a month later we did secret santa, and she (knowing I'm agnostic) gave me a Bible for my gift and said, "I just wasn't sure you've read it." (Even though she knew my grandmother is extremely religious and I spent each summer going to church three times a week, and I've been to church camp, etc.)

But, I let that go. And the first year or so, it seemed like it was our manager that had the problem with me, but when that manager was sent to the secondary store to clean up their department, our temporary manager (one of the few people I actually liked) told me that CC was trying to get me written up over stuff that everyone was doing, tried to say I'm uncooperative and just an overall terrible employee. Temporary Manager pulled me aside after a particularly ridiculous complaint and said, "You're not really in trouble she just won't just up unless I make it look like you are."

So, then temp manager left, regular manager stayed at the houston store, and a new manager came in. And everything was great. I didn't go home crying every day, and everything was fair. But he wasn't getting paid what he wanted, and another manager took the helm.

Which is when everything got worse, and the True Story begins.

In the past 12 months, Captain Cuntface has found a way to wrap her beady little claws around new Manager so fucking tight, that he's forgotten when he was in sales and they worked with him -- he considered them terrible agents. Constantly came in and requested to be switched back to me. But, whoops, CC has somehow made him forget that. So, NM is basically a fucking idiot. 

He lets her have all the power, even when It's 4 to 2 (two bc her evil mini me is her best friend she got hired) he'll agree with us, then go in the hall, call her, and come back and say, "No, nevermind." 

So, we work in a business where Part Time does not exist for a multitude of reasons -- mostly, you cant do what you need to, and everyone else ends up doing the work for you. But, she gets to come in first, get all the fresh customers, follow up with everything that gets Easy Appointments (which is what we get paid for) and basically makes herself look the best every day.

Rules get broken for her, and when we do the same thing, she goes to the manager and complains and gets us in trouble.

She gets to make the schedule because our manager doesnt do anything. 

She steals customers from other people in the department, and when we fight for it, she does everything she can to make it look like we didn't do our work, and when we go back to defend ourselves, NM gets defensive and refuses to listen to us. When we manage to WIN and get our shit back, she goes on the full offense, and prints out anything and everything she can possibly find to make us look back, and then gets rules changed again to benefit her and disadvantage everyone else. 

She got a new rule set up where if you don't make 100 calls a day in an eight hour shift, you're not allowed to take incoming calls (a huge source for appointments). There is NO rule set for her to make a certain amount of calls because she works 6 hours (despite it being common knowledge that morning people can get 100 calls before doing follow ups because of all the people they have to call). She gets to choose her own hours, and even leave early without notifying the manager because she's part time. (And the only reason she got part time in the first place is because she had a baby three years ago. When Old Manager left, she got to keep it because she already had it.)

She's driven off six employees because as soon as they start doing well, she tries to sabotage them or steal appointments for customers she hasnt contacted in six months. These people have literally gone to management or other employees and said, "It's because of HER." 

Our new manager will literally fight for her on anything, but if it's the same for me or someone else he says "Oh well," and moves on. If one of us have a question, he doesn't help us, and says, "you're a professional", but then goes and calls customers and sets appointments for her.

Most of her appointments are fake, and don't sell. Most salesmen don't want her appointments because of it. But NM doesn't care, because she has the most shows because she will literally put an appointment if they say "Maybe". 

And, she got her brothers girlfriend hired, and literally treats her like shit. 

Whenever new people start and ask for opinions we say, "We'll let you form your own opinions." And within two months they start up the conversation about how fucking horrible Captain Cuntface is. She literally tries to get people fired just because she doesn't like them. She constantly spouts off about team work, but refuses to help anyone elses customers, even though we have no choice but to help her because she's not there when they call back. 

People don't give notice when they quit because they're so fucking angry and frustrated with the job that they can't stay another minute. One guy left in the middle of his shift for an interview, came back four hours later and quit. Me, and two others are working on finding another dealership we can go to so we don't have to stay here with her. Which would leave her and her evil mini me, and neither of them are willing to close. (I called in sick once because I had food poisoning and they went to the manager saying I was a liar and that I was just looking to go to a party or something, because they didn't want to close.)

Honestly, guys, this is the worst work situation I've ever fucking been in and I hate this cunt. I don't call a lot of people cunts, but this woman is such a manipulative, lying, backstabbing bitch, that no other word works. Her evil mini me came in six months after me, and we thought she was just an aquientience because of how much shit CC talked about her, but she came in saying, "Oh, we're BEST FRIENDS." And whenever EMM is gone, all CC does is talk shit about her. 

Her brothers girlfriend was struggling, so CC printed out every record she felt wasn't followed through properly, invited her out to drinks, and when thye got there, she pulled this stack of papers from her purse and told her, "So there's a few things we need to discuss." Completely blind siding her. 

She's honestly so awful.

TL;DR: My coworker may be satana reincarnate and is a fucking cunt that nobody likes. And my manager is a blind idiot.