#what the hell is wrong with me i swear to god

[oh-allie]

shakespeare and swooning

alhaitham x g/n reader

synopsis; you read one shakespeare play and now you want to impress your "buddy" alhaitham with your newfound knowledge !! what could go wrong?

fluff, g/n reader, TOTAL CRACKFIC, prick alhaitham, SWEARING, kind of a modern au ???? i mention "ringing tighnari" but that could just be imagined as using the akasha terminal !!!! didnt write this with a modern au in mind

warning ‼️ PLEASE dont expect this to be accurate, if youre a big classic literature fan then dont attack me for not being a NERD ☹️ just imagine a poser using their fancy words (because they think its cool)

you know how libraries are supposed to be a place of study and tranquility? no the fuck you don't, or at least you don't care, because running through the house of daena with shakespeares, "romeo and juliet," in your hands is NOT very tranquil.

multiple poor akademiya students look at you, PISSED OFF because your shoes are going clu-clonk on the marble floors, which wouldn't be an issue if you weren't scurrying through the library.

is that kaveh ?? he's giving you the same look he gives alhaitham every day ..

... but this is IMPORTANT !! you're on a MISSION right now !! you just finished reading the first act of "romeo and juliet," and you're convinced your brain has expanded tenfold in size.

you're now rushing to your good pal haitham to share your knowledge! how kind and gracious!

you're stopped before his house, you've known him for long enough and gotten close enough for him to let you come in whenever. you know kaveh isn't home, and haitham would never purposefully work overtime, so you're certain you can get his attention and show off in peace.

why are you so adamant about showing off to alhaitham? is it REALLY showing off, or are you trying to, heehee, impress him?? its too late to be flustered at this thought because you already unlocked the door with the spare key kaveh leaves behind one of haithams ugly ass decorative plants and you've taken off your shoes and oh god hes right there and the sunlight from the door is lighting up his face in that way that only happens to him and hes looking at you with a suprised, slightly annoyed, but incredibly fond look and oh no what was your plan again?

"greetings, alhaitham! ☝️🤓" you say, finding a surge of confidence remembering the story you read.

"... hey. what are you doing here?" his response is quick but before you respond he continues, "did you just say greetings?"

"indubidibdibdly! hath you be surprised?" you pretentious hipster. you think youre SO cool, but unfortunately your little crush doesn't seem very impressed either.

"okay, what are you doing? you're being weird." he's not even looking at you, and he's back in his chair before you can rush over and sit on the couch. "is something wrong? should i get tighnari to give you a checkup?"

you'd be touched by the care of the suggestion if he wasn't so cheeky in his tone.

"wha, what, no?! no what the hell- stop ringing tighnari."

"are thou o'er wrought with admiration?" you grin, somehow still under the impression that you sound cool.

he gives an eyebrow raise to that. not bothering to mark his place in his book, he stands up.

"i lie testy in why you act so unpregnant, my dear."

"what"

HUH ? what did bro just say ? testy ???? unpregnant ?? MY DEAR ??? backtrack again, UN-WHAT ??

"be still my beating heart, thou hast taken mine with absolute cunning." is he making fun of you i genuinely can't tell ... its like hes speaking in moon runes right now.

"haitham, heheh, WHAT are you DOING ??" you can't help but laugh at his funny little words, magic man. even if you're clueless to what he just said to you.

"whatever doth thou mean?" he's totally making fun of you !! after ALL your effort to impress him too?

"well, usually i do all the ranting and you sit pretty and listen, so it's weird that you're talking so much, especially like THAT?" fym sit pretty ....

"when words are scarce they are seldom spent in vain." that sounds familiar, but you can't think about it longer before he continues, "shall i compare thee to a summers day?"

"ALRIGHT, i recognize that one, dummy." you laugh, "were you really not impressed by me?" you whisper, the rush of embarrassment you shouldve felt in that library is finally catching up with you.

he stares at you for a second. you just wish you could find out what hes thinking up there, if you could even understand it.

and then he lets you into his mind, with a simple "i love you." as if alhaitham, renowned scribe of the akademiya, top student, couldn't find the words to describe how he felt for you.

or maybe that was what he felt for you. he loved you.

"... you called me unpregnant."

a/n; i read romeo and juliet like... 3 years ago.... so.. uam... 😇😇 totally accurate! hope this crackfic style of writing isnt too niche so this doesnt flop because EMBARRASSING....... do people even like al haitham anymore like guys lets go back to the good old days before the FRENCH came in..... (this is just me projecting cause i havent played genshin in a while and i still lovelove sumeru)

[crushedsweets]

ANSWERING ASKS PT 4?

ok this is like 30+ asks LOL its mostly stuff about me/my art with a little crp sprinkled in im sorry... ill make a post thats actually answering the crp asks with real answers that arent "ILL DO IT EVENTUALLY I SWEAR" lololol

YOURE BOTH SO SWEET i havent been this passionate about smth in so long so hopefully im here for a while... thank u guys for indulging me. it makes me happy to post LOL

with love pls dont call me that buuuut. ninakate. ticciwork. ninatoby. ticcijack. ninajack. notice how its all in the same group...

hiii i dont plan to anytime soon! IF I WERE TO, cody and rouge are probably 'next in line' to being put in my AU, but i have no plans to actually commit to that

omg ok its funny cuz rn i HAVE ONE but its just me in it cuz im too lazy to organize all the bots and verification and whatnot. im also nervous about making a server cuz of some online occurrences that happened after u sent this HAHA so i'm kinda putting it off... but i reblogged tombs server and im sometimes active in there if u wanna join that one!

ffrhrughagahhhh

no ur right theyre such a power couple. i know we joke about toby being useless bf and clocky being badass gf but they're both really cool together.

I FORGOT I MADE THE TWILIGHT COMMENT LMFAAAOOOOOO I NEED i need. i need toby to find a random twilight shirt at a thrift and snag it for kate.

ME TOOOO its so delightful. i have so much fun playing with them like barbies.. making them kiss n whatever. LMFAOOOO so silly but yk

JEFF STANS ARE SO FUNNYYYYYYYYY i like you guys. laughing jack stans scare me but thats cuz that damn clown scares me... nothing that yall have done. youre just braver than me. LOL

i will not do this...

no literally its really bad. i hold horrible grudges BAHAHA but im working on it. im getting over my purple beef

omg. i listened to it and that was really cool. i like that thank u sm for sharing

IDK WHAT POST UR REFERING TO BUT YOURE RIGHT. LMAOOOOO

IM SORRYYYY im so sorry. i feel like this fandom is so small and most of the fans dont really ship in general so it suuuucks shipping here.. but i love them..

oh my god i need to i keep forgetting. the nina art i jus tposted of her holding th eknife was kinda.. kinda referencing her behaviors..

i do too!!! ive been neglecting them so bad im so sorry..

like the IEPFB tea party scene

I NEVER DID IT ANON IM SO SORRY IM GOING TO HELL

is this a song

i have not! i havent read alot of stories actually... i kinda like doing my own thing with them HAHA

omfg i had a clocknina drawing but i ended up privating but i think i should unprivate it...

ok actually im sorry i just am bad at requests omfg LMFAOO IM SORRY im so focused on nina ... forgive me...

THANK YOUUUU youre very sweet i appreciate you!!! <3

YEAH he's...one of the more tragic people. 100%. all loss

WHAT IS LIUJONJACK LOL WHOS JON??? ALSO LIUOTPS IS FUNNY

wdym ? !

LMFAOOOOO HEY ITS NOT A BAD COMBO THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A NINAKATE SHIPPER........

THANK YOU CUPCAKE i really like nina.. or my version i gues si dunno.. i like everyone else's nina too. i like this nina we got going on together

ok i keep grouping these together but also making them seperate im so bad at organizing these asks but HAHA I LOVE THEM TOO i swear ill try to get some ticciwork stuff out soon!!! my spring semester is almost over so hopefullyyy..

this is how you know i suck ass cuz this was christmas time and im replying NOW. im so sorry. i initially planned to draw them hanging around a tree but i didnt get around to it then got embarassed and never replied.... but i agree it would have been cute. ha di notfailed. LOL

[faeridollz]

Virgin reader and older price 🤭🤭

(Not creepily older tho)

Feel free to ignore tho xx

“Such a pretty face <3”

Pairing; older!price x virgin!reader

Cw; price is in late thirties reader is in mid/late twenties ^^

Synopsis; your boyfriend is more than happy to help! But surprise!!! You’re a.. virgin? :(

A/n; kinda long so there’s a divider where nfsw starts!! Also dividers from @rookthornesartistry and @cafekitsune 💋

ˏ ˋ°•*⁀➷ TINDER WAS CERTAINLY NOT A GOOD PLACE TO FIND “LOVE.”

You knew that. But at a party with your friends, you were forced to make an account. “Oh cmon Y/N, you're still single after all this time? You know, Mya found her husband a Tinder, you should download it! You never know, you could find a real hit!” She babbled, and when two more of your friends joined in, you were pure pressured into getting that stupid fucking app.

But.. should you really be that mad? You gained a boyfriend who’s a total dilf minus the kid. It’s pretty nice actually, treated like a princess 24/7 and loved on. You love that he’s older too, he teaches you things.

So when he offers to watch movies with you, who are you to deny? Time with your lovely boyfriend is all you need. Sitting next to him with his hand gently gripping and rubbing your inner thigh. It’s been driving you crazy since this dumb movie started.

“You alright lovie?” He smirks, and you nod. “Yeah.. j-just a bit hot y’know?” Your breathing is heavy, you can’t really focus on the movie. “I understand Lovie.” Grinning, he trailed his thick fingers to your clothed cunt. skirt lifted, providing easy access.

“Wait- price..” you squirm, thighs slamming closed. “What’s wrong?” He freezes. “Price. I’m a virgin..” you’re almost ashamed. You’ve never told him before and you’re saying it now? Ugh, this is so fucking embarrassing. Tearing up a bit

“Hey hey, don’t cry lovie, it’s nothin’ to be ashamed about sweetheart.” He cups your cheek, making you look in his beautiful blue eyes. They make you feel so safe, y’know? Just so calm. And god he’s so soft, husband material but stern when he needs to be. “It’s okay sweetheart, really.”

“Really? You’re not mad or anything?” Your head tilts. “Why would I be mad? That’s absurd lovie.” He chuckled, kissing your cheek. Beard tickling your soft skin. “I dunno, It’s just kinda embarrassing.” You watch as his face falls. “It’s not embarrassing. I was a virgin too once, just like everyone else in the world. So please stop saying it’s embarrassing sweetheart. Because I swear, it’s not.”

He always seems to have a way with his words. It amazes you sometimes. “Tell me you understand sweetheart.” He nods, and you do too. “I understand love. And. I know you said it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but.. Can you uh.. touch me?” You aren’t too shocked when his eyes widen, followed by ‘Are you sure?’ Fuck this is embarrassing.

His finger is thick, it’s expected but you never knew it could feel this good. “Feels good love?” You nod, he wanted to keep watching the movie, but he made sure to keep paying attention to you. Of course, he did. But how the hell did he expect you to pay attention to this movie? What was happening again? Shit.. it’s one finger but it feels so damn good. Curling up on your G-spot, the rope tightening in your stomach, threatening to snap.

“Fuckkk..” you whine, grinding into his hand. Breath quickened when he rubbed on your puffy clit. “I asked a question sweetheart, wouldn’t an answer be nice?” You can almost hear that cocky smile if that was even possible. But it makes you tighten around him, drenching his fingers. “g-good it feels soo~ good” shuddering when he speeds up.

“Ya think another finger would fit?”

“Y-yes- please!” Who knew you could be so whiney? Not you. But price makes you feel so good. And if this is just his finger then what if-

You let out a pathetically loud moan, how the hell did you not notice him putting another one of his thick ass fingers in you? It feels so good though, you. “Bloody hell sweetheart. So fuckin wet right? Feel good?” He nods. Moving slow, then picking up the speed a bit. “M-mhm!” You whine, the rope in your stomach finally snapping and your vision blurring a bit. Coating his fingers in creamy cum. Your cum.

Your gooey walls tighten around his fingers, hand gripping at his arm. “N-Nghhh..” you moan, shuddering as he gently pulls his fingers out of your drenching hole. His fingers were coated in a thin layer of cum. You think you may be hallucinating when he licks his fingers clean. “And tastes fuckin’ magical sweetheart.” He grins, kissing your neck. Your cunt is cold, the wetness attracting the cool air.

“Price.. you’re hard as fuck..” you giggle, his dick making a menacing print in his pants. Was it possible to be that big? You’ve seen it before in the shower and stuff but it was soft then. He’s really a grower.

Safe to say you ended the night with him passionately fucking your puffy cunt. After you followed him to your shared bedroom of course. Whining in his ear as he whispered sweet praises into yours. The prep was good too. Tongue fucking you and rubbing your clit until you were technically brain dead. Giving you time and waiting for the green light to continue. And the aftercare was one of a kind, nothing you shouldn’t expect from a total sweetheart.

He’d set a nice warm bath for you and massage your skin, even if he didn’t fuck you rough at all he’d still take care of you!! :)

I got so carried away ughh!! 😭 but I really liked writing this 😆 reblogs and likes r appreciated!! Also if you too wanna submit an ask I would be more than happy to make you ask come true my love!

[broke-on-books]

I'm a fucking disaster send tweet

Also btw guys I got my drivers license

[kiriona-apologist]

the funniest part of 1 star locked tomb reviews are the people who are like "well i didn't like gideon the ninth that much but so-" like what are you doing reading the second book?? life is so short people, i don't think there's a single series that i continued if i didn't like a book in it. esp the people who didn't like gideon bc of the plot or the language, do you think that's gonna fundamentally change????

[karamazovanon]

who is your favourite female character in Dostoyevsky's works!! i adore all the women in his stories to be honest. . . they deserve the world

OHHHHH THIS IS SUCH A GOOD QUESTION DONT MAKE ME CHOOSE BETWEEN ALL 78 OF MY WIVES....... i really do adore his female characters because truly madly deeply they are ALL UNHINGED in some capacity and that is the chief quality i look for in a woman. it's VERY close but i think in the end it's gotta be either nastasya filippovna or grushenka <333 honorable mentions list is too long but dunya, lise khokhlakova, and varvara stavrogina are also very dear to me—i just really really love morally complex women with devastating backstories who do bad things especially out of self-hatred/self-sabotage, extra especially if those bad things are to men <3 nastasya & grushenka did nothing wrong

[aroacesigma]

Every time I talk to my sister I feel like I'm going fucking insane how is she so utterly convinced she's the victim when she treats people like this

[broken-clover]

think it's really curious that during the scene in the Undersnax Filbo has his sudden crisis of leadership. Because he frets about being in charge a lot, but I think it's the only time where he outright says that 'everybody hates (him).' I've seen some say that they don't feel it makes sense, but I think it does feel fitting given how that Lizbert is suddenly no longer some absent-but-mythical figure that everyone looks up to. His whole intention was to get her back, obviously, but the ambiguity of where she even was made it feel less to him like he was taking her place and more of a necessity even if he wasn't the best at leading, and he could rely on the idea of the 'actual' leader coming back eventually. It's suddenly something he has to contend with again in a physical form, that his position is anything more than being temporary filler even if he gained a degree of confidence.

Interestingly compared to the rest of the villagers, Filbo doesn't seem to take much interest in the bugsnax. Sure, he eats them when you catch him some in the beginning quests, but he's literally starving and has nothing else to eat. While the others have regular requests and even the mystery requests in the mail, as far as I know Filbo never specifically eats any snaks in questlines aide from the starting ones and the spuddy you give him, which isn't even him asking, it's part of Wambus' quests. Also, if I'm remembering correctly, Beffica mentions that he just eats the bugsnax because everyone else does, and not out of any particular like of them.

Since we know one of the things the bugsnax do are manipulating insecurities to create a desire for more and a dependence to try and fill the hole, this raises an interesting thought. Characters like Gramble and Shelda don't eat snaks for personal moral reasons, but Shelda, at least, still shows a desire to do so and tries to repress it. But Filbo...Filbo lacks that entirely. Something about him makes him indifferent. He isn't allergic like the journalist, he just doesn't feel that same drive.

I think there's two possible ways to look at it. One, the more optimistic, is that he has no 'void' to fill because he's the only character aside from the journalist to have a tangible, practical goal that can feasibly be fulfilled. He could wonder if the snaks would somehow make him a better leader in the same ambiguous, amorphous way that everyone else thinks the snaks would be able to solve their problems, but, ultimately, it wouldn't do anything to get him any closer to finding Lizbert in any tangible way.

The more pessimistic thought, which interests me, is that Filbo did consider if the snaks could make him better...but he's fundamentally convinced that he is beyond fixing and nothing can change him. We see that Filbo is capable of some pretty deep self-loathing and puts a lot of stock in how others view him, he likes it when everyone gets along and he can be useful to the point that it's not unreasonable to assume a lot of Filbo's self-confidence and self-worth comes from other people liking him, or at the very least considering him useful. He's at a very low point in the beginning of the game, not only starving but also desperately trying and failing to keep the last of Snaxburg standing after he failed at the task he was assigned by a person he highly respects and looks up to. I'm gonna talk about how that might fit into this

Specifically, another interesting thing to note is that when the characters all succumb to their vices in the bad ending, their dialogue doesn't indicate any of them are particularly interested in eating. They have eaten, sure, but all of their dialogue is about their personal problems. Shelda declares the snaks have no power over her, Wambus bemoans being unable to control his hunger and the futility of his work, Wiggle accepts her status as a failed career musician, et cetera. They've all crossed that horizon from hunger into obsession. It's just conjecture, but how bugsnax addiction works may involve a point where a victim is convinced there's no other option left than what they're obsessed with and nothing can divert them from their path anymore, and are all-consumed by it to the point of not even desiring the bugsnax as food anymore- which isn't a concern to their life cycle, as by that point everyone has already consumed enough snaks to be fully converted.

(Also, an aside note, but a common symptom of depression (and a lot of other mental health issues) is a disinterest in eating and a lack of appetite.)

I think the reason that Filbo wasn't literally already dead and converted by the time the journalist made it to the island is because he couldn't catch enough snaks. Psychologically he was already there, but physically he had no snakmatter on his body that hadn't already worn off. And when he finally does get some snaks to eat, he has the journalist to spark some hope that Lizbert would come back after all and that the town could be rebuilt now that he had someone else's help.

I know people tend to say Filbo is like the one sane character who's decently well-adjusted but I think he's one of the most severely in need of some kind of therapy.

[frogathy]

childhood was spent thinking i’d go to hell and men would not love me if i swore so now to heal from that i am swearing as much as i fucking can until i come to my own fucking conclusion about how i feel regarding the usage of such crude vocabulary

[angeltism]

man i WISH having a fp was just "haha i really like you :)" like so many ppl seem to think of it

[fleshdyke]

me currently ^

[genderfreakxx]

Having my cringe era NOW because Arin Gamegrumps is SO girl to me and I’m not afraid to say it

[travelling-on-the-octopath]

The (Faerghan) parents of the Lions have the potential to be so fucking interesting as their own characters but NO you people are more interested in dressing them up in horns and a spiked tail and calling it a day. 

[arrowpunk]

Do circumstances in your life ever get so fucking insane that they don't feel real and in fact feel ripped straight from a novel or some shit? Because that's what I'm feeling right now and it is difficult to feel like the things that are happening are real and actually happening even though I know they are.

[homosubtext]

how did i spend the entire semester worrying i was going to fail my classes. my lowest class grade this semester ended up being an 88 percent. why did i think i was going to fail. what.

[yoohyeontual]

Everyday there’s something new happening to my body I’M TIRED