#i completely agree with the sentiment even if i don't recall saying it

[birdmenmanga]

someone followed me on Instagram saying they loved my tumblr post on wolf children and rejecting part of yourself and in like. what post. I don't ever recall posting about wolf children

[apostate-in-an-alcove]

As an ex Christian, what’s your opinion on the Jedi order and the pro/anti Jedi discourse here? I agree more with the pro Jedi takes especially on mindfulness, but I always get a bit annoyed when they claim that people who hate the Jedi are “culturally Christian” atheists projecting their trauma onto the Jedi which feels like more stereotypes of atheists as white Redditors who bash all religions to look superior. Ironically many of the people I have seen here who are Anakin apologists/anti Jedi are right wing Christians. There are some right wing Christians on tumblr that are pro Jedi but I’ve noticed that the majority of the pro Jedi side is much more inclusive and LGBTQ positive. To you, what makes the Jedi different from evangelicals or Catholics?

I was honestly a little surprised to see a lot of fairly vehemently anti-Jedi discourse on here considering that I never really saw the Jedi as being totally evil or bad. I think it's a little more complicated than that; they were a very useful tool until they were not. I think the assumption that people who hate the Jedi are all angry atheists is baseless and silly, especially since I think being weary of the Jedi can be a reasonable view, even if I don’t necessarily agree with anti-Jedi sentiment completely.

If I recall correctly, George Lucas said that Jedi philosophy was based around Buddhism (which I can definitely see the influence) and they don't worship a deity per say but that non-Christian influence seems to be lost on conservative Christians when they watch Star Wars. But then again, the very obviously anti-imperialist message of the original trilogy seems to be lost on some Star Wars fans. Jedi don’t believe in sin, that people are inherently sinful and broken and need a saviour nor do they seem intent on obtaining union with the Force and abstaining from forming attachments and controlling their emotions and impulses because they think the physical body is unclean and sinful. Their reasoning for discipline and study is different than Christians though Christians could definitely relate to that in some way.

I'm rusty on Star Wars canon and am not too active in Star Wars fandom online so I’m going off of what i can remember but I hope this answers your question in some way.

[antonblastdeluxe]

Now that I've slept on it for two days, I think my thoughts are clear enough to finally formulate my words about the whole situation with a certain pig. Actual final post on this unless. Idk something worse happens but given that pizza discord was lifted up like a nasty rock I sort of doubt it.

I've been seeing a lot of takes lately given the pizza game. I agree with a large chunk of them that boil down to 'don't make playing this game a moral thing'. I don't agree with sentiments that are akin to 'this was years ago', or 'you're all just trying to cancel him because the game got popular'.

I was in that discord. I had most of the channels muted, but I'm pretty sure I left it in 2020ish. I only didn't see the grossness people are outlining firsthand because I only looked at the dev update chat at the time so I can see what he was implementing. One of my dearest friends had a very, VERY bad experience with it. It's not my right to exactly describe what happened to them, but... Yeah. It was awful. I get that all official discords become cesspits when they get thousands of people in there, but there's no excuse for what happened in there.

I can confirm that the discord was always full of redditor-like types and worse, which is why I muted all of the talk channels to begin with and didn't even glance at the fanart I was really there for. You may notice, if you're a long-timer that is, a lot of early Pizza T0wer artists didn't make fanart again when the game came out. The reason is a lot of them were treated like garbage in the discord. Sure, you had your usual types of people who stupidly make comparisons like 'oh your oc looks like (canon character)' thinking that's a good thing to say to a random artist who may or may not be ok with that, but many of them were just... Outright hostile.

Moderation was never good. I can't exactly recall how the mod team was cycled, but most of them didn't-- Or couldn't do their job because of the vast amount of people flowing in pre-release. It is legtiamately no wonder why it's had so many issues upon release. What I'm getting at here is the discord server was an awful idea. Even if it was patreon only a lot of the patreons made this sort of gross echo chamber. The reason why the stuff with pig both surprised me and didn't surprise me was because of the other half of the publishing company, Sertif.

Sertif to me is the most baffling part of all of this. Not because they did anything wrong, no, the exact opposite. They're arguably the most squeaky clean part of the team, being a far cry from whatever slop pig spewed. Which makes the fact that pig said all of that stuff lowkey worse to me? I don't know if they forgave him for that, or they were somehow unaware. Sertif is also the reason why I can't fully hate the game even with the flaws sprinkled throughout.

It's just upsetting. I can't blame people for reacting the way they have, but at the same time people have gotta stop making excuses. I think it's completely valid to say 'hey you're still allowed to enjoy the game and characters, just don't defend the stupid ass pig'. I think a lot of people put it aptly that the game has already gotten traction. It's your choice if you still want to make fan content or not, it probably won't have a heavy effect on the game's sales at this point. It's sort of people trying to boycott pkmn to a much lesser extent-- People are still going to buy it because they're not engaged with online couture or multiple other reasons.

I do indeed have zero respect for people rubbing their hands together like flies like 'finally I have an excuse to dislike popular thing'. Like, really??? That's where your priorities lie? You can dislike the pizza game. You could've still disliked it if the pig was squeaky clean. But this exact same thing happened to two fixations I heavily fell out of, that being 0mori and f//nf. They gained traction, and people dug stuff up on the creators.

I'm not going to claim that people only dug this stuff up because the game got popular. I won't assume bad faith despite many people assuming bad faith out of others becoming a trend nowadays. People have a right to know what the hell creators did before deciding to get into a game. But claiming people are a bad person for liking a piece of media...

...For the love of god, at least confirm if they do or do not condone the creator's actions.

It's very easy to say 'no media is perfect', sure, but I think most people have gone through the song of dance of 'thing I like was made by an awful person!' there are rare white whale situations where you really should drop the franchise (cough) bad wizard franchise (cough), but expecting everyone to just... Drop a piece of media like a sack of bricks?

Please think realistically. It's great that you're informing people, but expecting people to drop media... You don't know their history with it. You don't know how much comfort it brought them or anything else. Demonizing people for liking pieces of media with flawed creators is really just a waste of time.

I won't ever undermine what pig has said and done. I hope he properly apologizes and hell, takes the extra mile, adjusting those questionable enemies and donates to a few charities or something to show he gives a shit. The very little credit he's done is he admitted what he said was shallow. I know the bar is in hell, but it's good that he isn't trying to double down and go 'bluh that was funny though' (I can imagine his cesspit of a discord echochamber has tried to say this. No way in hell I'm going in there to check and I wouldn't encourage anyone to go into that place with a ten foot pole).

I know I don't need to defend myself nor am I a bad person for acknowledging the creator is a shithead and still enjoying the game and the fan content around it. I have a lot of friends who like fn4f who hate Scott. I wouldn't be friends with them if they defended him. People trying to say this and that about this stance is... Bizarre.

I understand how Pizza game can make people uncomfortable now (always have given the long running history of the bad discord), and people have their full right not to engage with me because they are uncomfortable. At the same time, they shouldn't accuse me of being a bad person because I like something made by a bad person.

A lot of music artists, or hell, artists in general are pretty bad people but people will still admire the artist's ability. A lot of people online who hostility attack people over their interests probably have one of their own pieces of media that isn't squeaky clean.

Please save yourself the mental trouble and stop making people feel 'bad' for liking media. In most cases, you can just block them and mute the tag. It's a waste of everyone's time to hunt people down over this sort of stuff.

Stay informed, don't make excuses for content creators. That's all I ask.

[schnees-and-schnugs]

Willow getting up off her ass because the lights went off but not to actually look after her son actually haunts me as something they writers unironically wrote and tried to brush off with willow making an unfunny nonsensical quip.

Sometimes I blame it on the plot driving the characters rather than the characters actually making choices that move the plot along but sometimes I'm convinced that the writers just think whitley being abused by his family is at best insignificant at worst hilarious to them because they go out of their way to ridicule him and avoid addressing it completely. I almost half expect them to have whitley recall a moment later on where his father abused him only for it to be made into a joke.

Which is why I really feel like the whole weiss-willow-whitley subplot was just something I think the writers just didn't really care about, but they couldn't drop it since it's been around since v4. It's just a whole lotta nothing propped up with meaningless fluff and one liners that don't actually correlate to any substance in the show itself. When you actually look closer it's a bunch of beginnings and ends with nothing in between. You can literally sense the feet dragging in the form of shallow writing.

When I criticize weiss saying "trust is risk" while it pans to whitley, I'm not trying to hate on weiss specifically (well, maybe a little). I'm hating on the writing decisions that were made and how it conflicts with weiss being able to say that. It simply doesn't make any sense. There isn't a moment where she risks anything to establish a trust with him. That would have actually involved them writing weiss being the one to approach whitley first, which doesn't happen.

Or when I say "I didn't forget you" is a stupid hamfisted line meant to be a call back that's supposed to artificially tug at your heart strings. Miles (who wrote that episode) is trying to bring back the emotions from volume 7 (where he also wrote that episode), when willow initially tells weiss not to forget whitley after she reveals to her that whitley only hates her because she abandoned him to two abusive parents. An amazingly written scene, don't get me wrong. But the sentiment is completely taken out of context and shoved in a scenario where weiss literally doesn't forget whitley (which is like, good for you weiss you didn't let your brother die. Do you want a cookie?), when what is meant all along was willow begging weiss to be there for him emotionally. She wasn't taking about whitley being in physical danger, she was talking about whitley being alone with everyone having finally abandoned him. The cherry on top is that weiss doesn't even manage the emotional part either.

You want to have a super progressive and woke commentary on mental health, MKEK? Good things don't happen in the brains of abused/neglected/abandoned children. There, you have it. One that has been set up for a few volumes. You literally had one right there. An actually good one, not harriet bree threatening to bomb a city in a way that was almost comical because her favorite piece of unseasoned meat is dead.

I don't like to argue, so when people nicely and respectfully tell me to "wait for it because they're going to address it all later" (I know it sounds like it but this isn't sarcasm), I just agree because I don't want to rain on their parade. And also I can't predict the future, so that very well may be the case.

But I don't look at the way v8 was written particularly as it relates to the schnees and think "wow this is a great set up for when weiss eventually manages to actually speak more than a sentence to her brother two volumes from now". I think this is a subplot that the writers felt obligated to write and clearly didn't want to waste time on because they got tired of it. So they barely acknowledged it and wrapped it up.

And we all know winter is the only schnee they actually like writing for at this point, so maybe when she's involved later on they'll actually care enough to flesh out whitley and willows issues by proxy. It's just incredibly disappointing.

[rcksmith]

The Agreement part.2 — Kaz Brekker

Resume/Masterlist

Couple: Kaz Brekker/ Fem!Reader.

Warnings of series: Convenience/arranged marriage, swearing, mention of fight, mention of death, mention of desire, fluff, sensual, mention of post-traumatic stress.

Warnings of chapter: swearing.

Word count: 4k

A/N: I hope you guys like.💖

English is not my first language, so I so sorry if have a mistake.

Requests are closet. Love you ❤️

— — — —

“What?!” Your exclamation came out louder than intended, and perhaps sharper than expected.

The salty sea breeze came through the window once more. The smell of salt and ocean invaded the room and for a second it felt like being in a ship's cabin at sea.

Kaz looked at you as if you were some child. Or someone deaf. But if he was swimming in acidic thoughts, he didn't say them.

"Think carefully." His voice was firm and explicit, the ones men use to convince women of something. “You want freedom, don't you? Live your life without having to fulfill a man's whims or your father's expectations. You wants to be able to snow on a ship without having a date to go back and make your own destiny. You want just needing to care what new adventure knocks on your door and what promise of wonders life awaits. It is not?"

How did he figure it out so well in such a short time? Was he too shrewd or were you too transparent?

You nodded, unable to say anything. Perhaps out of perplexity at how Kaz read you so easily. Or maybe the way he looked like an overpoweringly beautiful fallen angel in the moonlight.

“And the only way to do that is to get married.”

You frowned. “As I recall, Brekker, I came here just so I wouldn't have to get married.”

“And it's a stupid plan.” God, you wanted to kill him. “You asked me to have the Dregs take you to the harbor without your father's spies noticing. But it turns out your father's spies already know you're here.”

Your breath was lost somewhere between lungs and nose.

“Since you arrived, the noise from the Crow Club downstairs has become less shrill. And this is not typical criminal behavior. Either they have adopted good manners or someone they know they should fear has joined the Club.” Kaz sat more relaxed in the armchair behind his desk, his dark blue eyes locked on you. “I would bet on the second option.”

“So I came here for nothing?” You were starting to get angry at his beating around the bush. Because you knew it was manipulation. Brekker was laying the groundwork and you understood that.

“I did not say that. Turns out you can never get rid of your father. Not when he's a man with the purchasing power able to buy an entire country. There will always be someone who will recognize you, someone who will find you. And for the right price, the whole world is capable of being bribed. You would run away only to be chased by other spies, other people wanting the reward your father will give to whoever brings you back home.”

Very early on, you realized that Kaz Brekker was capable of crushing dreams as easily as crushing an insect. His destructive power was colossal and you saw all of your desires floating under his palm. Waiting just for him to brutally clench his fist and crush them.

But that's not what he did.

“You'll only get what you want if you follow his orders.” The breeze came through the window once more, ruffling her charcoal hair. “But if you can't defeat your enemies, change the rules of the game.”

“And is that where marriage to you comes in?”

“See it.” His body leaned very gently across the table towards you, it was a millimeter and ridiculous gesture, but it felt like him standing a breath away from you. “What you need is to get married. But marrying someone who doesn't give a damn about what you're going to do, and don’t have expectations of you. Someone who is not interested in home life, family life or Any other things you can offer other than money.”

Any other things you can offer. The night breeze this time was accompanied by an impure, almost obscene scene of the fallen angel in front of you on a bed of black duvets and caustic weather. A moment when the ends of his black hair brushed your forehead and your nose, moving back and forth as followed the rhythm of his hips and…

The sea breeze was gone, taking the obscene image with it and bringing back your common sense. For a second you wondered where that came from! You hadn't been in his presence for more than two hours and the entire compilation of what it was like Kaz Brekker, so far, had frightened you and attracted you in an absurdly dangerous way.

"And are that you came, I suppose." You hoped your voice couldn't give away your impure thoughts from seconds ago. “Do you want us to form an alliance where you receive my dowry and in return I am free from my father's demands and can do as I please with my freedom?"

“Alliance is a very strong term for what we are doing here.” He was succinct, “I would tell you to look at this as a business transaction. A marriage document is still just a piece of paper. And nothing else. Don't get carried away by sentimentalism. Things only have feelings if you want them to.”

Kaz was right, you knew that. For all your belief in true love and the many books romance novels you devoured, you still understood that a marriage could very well be seen as a business translation. It are a sad, cold way to see something so beautiful, but it still true.

“I have no interest in anything other than your dowry and you have no interest other than freedom. So what I'm proposing is something very sensible and objective. When we get married, your father will set you free, and you won't have any husband to please or any other crap. I don't want and don't expect anything from you, I don't care if you're sailing to Ravka or venturing on The Fold.”

“Do you want the money out of greed or despair?”

Kaz took a second to get a better look at you after that sneaky question. You had asked the correct question amid so many banalities and he realized that you were more cunning than you looked.

If he wanted to know your secrets, you also wanted to know his.

“A bit of both.” He was sincere.

“And what do you intend to do with my father's industries? Because you would win them too. And any misdirection could end up reducing my father's empire to nothing, and I don't want him to see the thing he loves most in ruins.”

Brekker heard the feelings in your voice. There was a hidden pang of hurt, but a lot of determination and honesty. You loved your father and understood him, even if you didn't agree with his principles. You had a fair and upright nature and were able to move mountains to get things done the way you thought was right. That was a red flag for Kaz. You were a good person. And he not.

He could never promise you things that go back to a good guy. But he could promise you honesty and justice. Kaz Brekker would never take something from someone the way it was taken from him so many years ago. He was a monster. But never in the same category as Pekka.

“I have no interest in having an empire doomed to fail.” His eyes were serious. “My motivation has always been greed. Why would I sink the company that is capable of making me such a rich man?”

He would have to be an idiot to let such a lucrative business go. And Kaz Brekker was anything but an idiot.

“Would you let me do anything I want?”

“I have no interest in what you don't or do.”

You hesitated for a second, as if remembering another detail. “My father doesn't believe in divorce, and even if he did, I would be pressured to remarry. Do you understand that we couldn't divorce?”

“I have no desire to marry again. And you might as well get other men you want without making a fuss, without your father finding out.” Always rational and objective. Without any inclination to the heart's desires. “There is no room in this world for feelings. Much less in this agreement. If you fall in love with someone you will have to be content with just relating to them, not getting married. And it seems like a small price to pay for so many benefits.”

It was the perfect plan. Did you know that. It was rational, objective and cunning. Something advantageous for both without costing too much. But why did you feel that something could go very wrong? You were a romantic person and you knew you could see things where they didn't exist. The truth was, you would have to leave your heart completely out of the picture.

Just a business transaction.

Brekker seemed to see a hint of hesitation in your eyes.

“It's very simple, Ms. Y/L/N.” That voice that gave you goose bumps hovered in front of you. “You marry me and you still have your freedom, because I don't give a damn about what you do after.”

“20 million from Kruges. Rich.” his eyes gleamed with a deep glow.

“And how do I know this isn't a trick?”

“I don't promise lies.” His firm face was serious “I won't give you happiness, Y/n. Much less love. Love doesn't exist in Kerch. But I will give you freedom, independence, a comfortable life that you are accustomed. And it seems to be much more than you have now.”

You knew you could be making a deal with the devil. Selling your soul to that man with the face of a fallen angel and the aura of Lucifer. But what choice did you have?

You couldn't go back if you sealed that deal. That man would be bound whit you, even by a piece of paper, for a lifetime. Was it worth the price? You didn't care for your father's press to want to be in the management and you had a lot more money than twenty million Kruges. What would you be missing? Your chance to marry one day whit someone you came to love? But if you came home without someone one day from now your father would marry you to a gargoyle. And the way out to flee no longer seemed a viable option.

Yes, it was worth it.

Seeming to see from the glint in your eyes that you've made a decision, Kaz Brekker, Bastard of the Barrel, reached out a leather-gloved hand toward you. His eyes sparkled with a mysterious spark, the scent of male cologne with a hint of danger lurking around the room. And for a moment, you felt a shiver go up your spine and the feeling that your life had just begun.

“Agree to marry me?” He said.

The feeling was that you were about to embark on the greatest adventure of your life. You didn't know what that little stunt with Kaz Brekker awaited you. But you would find out.

“Yes.” You took his hand in a firm, intense handshake that held a million secrets.

A satisfied, victorious smile came to his lips. And whenever Kaz gave him that expression, it felt like seeing the fallen angel that was the reason so many humans sinned. The clouds in the sky shifted, moving out of the moon's path and making the distilled rays of light shimmer more brightly. His black hair and white skin were graced with those bundles, and for a second his beauty was overwhelming.

You held your breath.

Brekker continued to say something, but you couldn't pay attention. Your heart began to race, the moonlight following in his footsteps as Kaz got up from his chair and went to fetch some papers from across the room. You couldn't tear your eyes away from him. His body was taller and thinner than you deduced when he was sitting down. Kaz had long, slender legs beneath black straight-cut pants, his chest was broad and his waist was narrow. For a second, you felt like running your hand over the contours of his body.

You shifted your attention forward abruptly. Focusing eyes on something else.

That was the curse of handsome men. They fooled women and made them daydream. With his underworld god beauty and mysterious aura with a touch of danger, Kaz Brekker was overwhelmingly attractive. And your blood reacted to that. Any woman would have reacted the same way.

“And we'll have to leave tomorrow morning…” he sat opposite you again.

“Sorry, what?”

You turned your attention to his words, not remembering half of what he said seconds ago. Kaz looked at you intently this time, squinting his eyes millimetrically, as if he was trying to guess which paths your mind had wandered in for the past two minutes.

“Your deadline is the day after tomorrow, isn't it?”

"Yes." You got back to the core of the problem once more. “The trip to my house takes a few hours. Half a day if it's raining.”

Kaz had his eyes on the papers in his hands, maybe they were maps or documents, but you didn't feel like craning your neck to see what it was. Leaning over to view the papers meant getting closer to Brekker, and two hours in his presence was enough for you to understand that nothing good would happen if you got any closer. Or maybe you didn't trust your own feelings and emotions.

“This will have to be done very discreetly.” He didn't look up from his papers. “If any rumors about our deal reach the wrong people, your father will hear about our plan. And that meant you will being forced to marry someone else, and me without my money. Does anyone know you're here because you planned to run away?”

You shook your head. “No. I didn't get to tell my friends. But now that the plan is different, I intend to tell a friend that…”

“You can't tell anyone.” Kaz lifted ocean blue eyes to you in an electrifying look that made you shiver.

“And what is supposed to say to my friends?” You felt a pang of indignation.

“That we are in love.”

This time, your breath was gone. The phrase was like pouring gasoline on an old, flammable woodpile. And you were afraid of what might be the match that would set off a fire.

Kaz noticed your reaction and was amused by it. “Just say some nonsense about falling in love with a criminal. It wouldn't be the first time a rich little girl has fallen in love with the bad guy, and I guarantee it won't be the last.”

“And you won't tell anyone about the truth too?” You wanted to change the focus you.

“I don't have to answer to anyone.”

This time you gave a smug smile and crossed your arms in an insolent gesture. “So everyone will think the infamous Kaz Brekker, Dirty Handes and Ketterdam's most dangerous gangster is in love with a rich little girl?”

Kaz narrowed his eyes at your teasing.

“It won't be the first time that the man with a bad temper and dangerous soul falls in love with the little girl. And I'm sure it won't be the last.” You said.

You were provocative, witty and stubborn. You would always hit at the same height and loved to show people that could very well play their game. Brekker unraveled this perfectly. You weren't the kind of woman who would be peaceful, serene, and calm. You wouldn't be like Inej. You would not take his orders and his taunts in silent, contained rage. You were intense. And that was a danger.

Why did he get the feeling you were so much more than he imagined?

“Let's go to your house tomorrow morning. Nine in the morning.” He changed the subject. “I'll go with you and we'll get married.”

"My father must be preparing everything by now." You sighed. “He takes his promises very seriously and I have no doubt that, when I returns, the ceremony scene will be set in the party garden.”

Partly you were relieved about it now. Planning a ceremony are intense and personal. You never really thought about getting married, but you always imagined that if one day it happened it would be the man of your dreams. And you didn't know if you would want to organize a fake wedding. There were certain things that were inevitable to keep the heart from breaking.

“Better yet, the faster the better.”

The two of you discussed some more details of the plan in the next few hours. It was agreed that Kaz would pick you up at nine from your hotel tomorrow, in an elegant hired carriage (which you obviously would be paying for) and the two of you would go to your house in Kerch. For all intents and for all people, the truth would be that the two of you were in love. It was such a typical cliché that it wouldn't be the least bit hard to believe.

And after a while, you two could already show yourself to the world as a couple who barely saw each other. Rich society was full of them: marriage with coldness and distance, where the man has his bets and lovers and the woman her travels and her jewelry. Your father would surely understand and leave you alone. After all, he had gotten a son-in-law to inherit his empire. A young son-in-law with blood for business who would make your father extremely satisfied. However, now the two of you had to look like a couple in love. And the reality of the situation was a secret that only the two of you would take with you to the tomb.

But, that night it was difficult for you to sleep. Anxiety, restlessness and fear gnawed at you like cunning mice, rolling you from side to side in bed, whispering in your ears millions of futures where everything could go wrong. Where not even Kaz Brekker's plans could free you from the clutches of one of your father's suitors.

When the clock struck seven in the morning, you jumped out of bed with unsettling, restless energy. You didn't like feeling helpless and waiting for Brekker to show up was exactly the definition of a princess in trouble. You had to do something.

- -

“What do you mean to get married?!” Jesper choked on his breakfast, and Nina nearly spit out all her orange juice.

Kaz rolled his eyes and continued sorting through the documents on the large round table. He was going to be gone for a few days at most and needed the people he trusted most to take care of business while he was gone. There were a lot of robberies to do and Kaz spent the night crafting and modifying plans for options where he wasn't involved. He had made a list of what needed to be checked at ports and what needed to be resupplied at Crow clube.

The plan was to marry you when they arrived in Kerch and return to Crow Club the next day. Kaz knew he would have to bring you, the two of you would have to stay together until your dowry was delivered to him. After that you could go on any adventure you wanted.

But dealing with the Crows was being more exasperating than Kaz could have expected.

"I didn't even know you had a girlfriend!" Wylan was in shock.

"Nobody knew!" Nina and Inej had their chins on the floor. Matthias was the only one who didn't seem to care so much.

"I didn't know the affairs of my private life were your business." Kaz didn't look up from the papers he kept in folders for the stupid ones.

"But you never said anything." Inej said.

"It was the intention."

"It's with Y/n, isn't it?" Jesper had bright eyes and a gleeful gambling smile stretched across his lips.

Kaz looked up at the boy with chocolate creamy skin, and his eyes narrowed slightly.

“She spent hours in yours office last night.”

"Oh my Santis!" Inej, Nina and Wylan exclaimed at once, eyes wide.

"The daughter of the richest man in Kerch." Wylan said.

"YOUR DOG!" Jesper clapped Kaz on the shoulder with an open palm, a loud laugh echoing and joy filling his voice.

Kaz suppressed the urge to look at the spot where Jesper had touched him. It had been years since he'd gotten over the most brutal aversion to touch, when the mere thought of getting close to someone made him tingle and dizzy with imminent fainting. At 28 years old, Kaz Brekker had proven to be greater than the demons and weaknesses that haunted him, wanting to see his downfall. A man who wanted to defeat Pekka could have no weaknesses. And he prided himself on almost have none of them.

However, offhand gestures made him look at the spot where he had been touched. The sensation brought was not unbearable or nauseating, but strange. And when the situation was skin to skin in a touch that caught him off guard, the feeling was unpleasant. Like a splinter under the skin.

It was easier with people Kaz felt comfortable with, but it wasn't something he cared about. He forced himself to overcome the most brutal aversion just to be a man without weaknesses, no chance of being defeated in a torture, no chance of being defeated by a faint. No for to touch someon.

“I thought you didn't know her in person when I warned you yesterday.” Inej tried to contain her little smile.

“It was the intention. You guys forgot the definition of secret…”

"Boss." One of the employees had entered that exclusive room. "There's someone here wanting to talk to you, Sir." He looked apprehensive.

Kaz frowned. The crow club had no movement at eight in the morning.

"Who is?"

"I think…"

"Will you please let me through!" The female voice sounded outside the room.

Jesper and the rest of the gang were wide-eyed, mouths opening in amusement and bewilderment. Kaz was catatonic. What the fucking hell were you doing there?!

"What do you mean I can't talk to your boss?!" And you continued. “I spoke to him yesterday...Don't give me these arguments, my dad tells his employees to tell people exactly that...I swear if you touch out about me again I will...”

"Fucking hell!" Kaz came out from behind the counter, crossing the living room and opening the door.

He came face to with that scene. A short girl who argued with a bouncer who was triple her height and size. Kaz knew the man was arrogant and macho, and had probably nudged your temper. He would have been amused by the scene if he wasn't abgry that you didn't follow his explicit rules.

“Ray.” Kaz glanced at the bouncer, a steady gaze that made the brute immediately back away from you.

You even gave the man an angry look before heading towards Kaz.

"What are you doing here?!" He whispered angrily.

"I couldn't wait." You wiggled your fingers, a tic of anxiety. “I could barely sleep. It was lucky I didn't show up at six in the morning.”

“That's not excuses. We have a schedule!"

“But I couldn't wait!" You whispered too. “It's visseral. I can't just sit there and wait!”

What an insufferable creature!

"Well, you'll have to learn because…!"

"What are you two whispering back there? “ Jesper's voice interrupted the discussion in whispers.

The two of you turned to the troupe standing in the doorway of the Crow room. Playful, mischievous smiles were plastered across their faces, and you felt your cheeks blush. Kaz and you looked at each other, and in that second of silent complicity, the two of you finally stepped into the roles of partners in crime.

Tagged: @aleksanderwh0r3 @thedelusionreaderbitch @hi-there-x @mell-bell @glowingatdawn @subjecta13-thefangirl @itsnotquimey @thatchampagnebitch @lamoursansfin @lostysworld @s3xymoonman @is-it-really-a-secret

[justinhubbell]

Time to come clean: I'm complicated.

You might recall some time ago I was regularly posting "Nonbinary Ensembles." Initially both the process and the response I got filled me with joy. Filled others with joy too so it seemed. These posts quickly amassed the most engagement/comments (and other buzz words) of anything I had done in 2021.

To that end—yes—I will eventually be resuming the practice after I've acquired the equipment needed for a totally white background. I enjoyed expressing myself with apparel, and pose. I liked providing examples of the many (endless, actually) ways one could express a Nonbinary identity. It all felt very healthy.

...but I have low self-esteem problems, ya'll. What started as an act of self love spiraled into unhappy thoughts such as:

• Well... I guess I have to do this everyday now.

• Is this all they want? Is this all I'm good for?

• Oh GREAT. People only care about my body. AGAIN. GREAT.

• Swell. Another highly complicated task that doesn't generate any income whatsoever—what the hell am I doing???

Etc etc etc...

I wince a little revealing this but if you look back on a lot of those photos there is a super real reason why I'm not smiling. It's not just that I'm in a bad mood, I'm in physical pain. I am tight as a drum. And—at the time—I was experiencing sleep deprivation.

America runs on sleeplessness. That's why everyone is so stressed. I'm not actually a fan of Frank Zappa (not against him, just unfamiliar) but I completely agree with this sentiment of his.

Honestly it just felt gross. I was forcing myself to do these shoots and feeling increasingly dehumanized by it. That's why—paradoxically—it hurt my feelings that people seemed to enjoy them so much.

I'll state here plainly that this is nobody's fault. Not even mine. A mind with Depression (or in my case Chronic Depression) is so accustomed to assuming the worst (of you, me, "them," everything!) that it's really quite challenging to move past/through feelings of overwhelming negativity.

That's why they talk about "slippery slopes." The more negativity you take in, express, and feel? The more it becomes normalized, part of your everyday experience. It is—in fact—easier to be negative!

Like it or not, Social Media enables Depressive behaviors/choices. It can—and does—isolate you.

Isolation + Depression + Sleep Deprivation is a dangerous cocktail.

I haven't managed to take a photo of myself since whenever it was that I stopped. And—of course—I observed nobody seemed to notice or care when I did. How heartbreaking it was for me to understand that the world didn't revolve around my unmet needs! </3

What happened next?

Unfortunately things got progressively worse. When it rains it pours. But I survived, I stopped, I recovered. I made honest attempts to RELAX.

And the thing is. It's all going to happen again. Yes! I accept this. It's a completely natural thing, and actually impossible to become happy and "stay happy" forever. You don't "cure" depression, its a part of you. You can suffer with it, live with it, thrive with it, even love it. Not saying it's easy, but it's absolutely possible. We kick ourselves for having poor health, when we should practice ••listening•• to ourselves and meeting our needs with kindness, and when possible kindness compassion and love!

Now that I'm better rested I'm dedicating myself rather seriously to building up mental resistance, strength, and flexibility. Doing that physically with yoga as well. I'm reading books. I'm talking to friends and family. I'm drawing again. And I'm actively spending as little time on social media as possible.

[BTW - I love the "Self Control" application for my computer but can't seem to find an equivalent for my iPhone. What gives? What am I missing? How can I temporarily lock myself out of Instagram/Safari?]

My plan moving forward is to do these shoots with my partner.

...And NOT every damn day! What am I? A Capitalist? Hard pass.

In fact I was able to capture moments of pure joy when it was just me by myself (in particular the kilt and blue dress shoots) but with Alex involved there's gonna be joy from start to finish, not just "moments."

This was a long post and thank you for reading. I had to express myself. We can talk and talk until we're blue in the face about how things "should" be but if we don't normalize regular expressions of discomfort how exactly are we supposed to get there?

Love yourself. Love your health. SHARE this wealth! <3

Gonna end this with a book recommendation.

Because this book is rocking my socks:

[yzkhr]

Part two of the Love Language miniseries!

Once again, I dedicate this to one of my favorite Shinran authors, @meitanteisachi

Part three might take a little while since I'm in my lazy mode. So please forgive me if the next part will be late 🤧

Warning: Probably my longest fic ever. So long that I need to divide into two parts. I kinda got carried away.

-

Receiving Gifts-You feel loved and appreciated when your partner or someone gives you a gift. It doesn't need to expensive, just something sentimental and thoughtful.

She was seven when Ran received her first memorable gift from Shinichi.

She remembered how It had been a month since her mother moved away, turning her life upside down. At a young age, Ran forced herself to be responsible; learning how to cook without burning the food, doing household chores that her father never knew how to do, and taking care of both a child who's too young and a grown man who's too immature and broken to live on his own.

It vastly made a growth and development in her character. Teachers and classmates alike noticed the way she had matured, from the way she handled her emotions—always putting on a smile and being the bigger one in the petty fights— to her mannerisms and gestures that resembled an older sister.

To them, her mother leaving became somewhat a good thing, with her maturity blooming early.

If only that were true.

No one knew that as soon as she opened the door of the empty detective office, Ran would be filled with her mother's presence; Hearing her voice, seeing her face, and even missing her scolding. Instead of saying anything to her father however, she brushes it off, puts on a facade, being a mother, a wife, and a daughter all at the same time to a drunk and emotionally unstable man.

But at the end of each day, entering her room and not crying was impossible. Her eyes watering at the sight of the empty bed that used to be filled with her mothers' scent, all gone. And like the child that she was—that she should be— she would sobbed and whimper silently, until exhausted enough to close her eyes and unaware that there's no one beside her just to sleep.

Ran was sure no one knew or was even remotely aware of her secret. After all, her smile shined and eyes glimmered in school so different from the distraught face she wears each night since last month.

But she had underestimated him.

On the day of her birthday, everyone greeted her with their own set of trinkets and gifts. Most were letters and drawings, filled with gratitude and love through the used of poorly executed writings and simple but meaningful pictures. Ran was happy to received all of them, whether they were small—like a piece of her favorite candy— or expensive and big, such as the dress given to her by Sonoko.

But unlike all her other birthdays, she didn't feel as contented and satisfied. There laid a gnawing feeling inside of her, aware that she'll never have what she truly wished for.

As they walked home from school, Ran expected Shinichi to give her at least some sweets. So, when he invited her to come by his house she agreed with a nod, genuinely having no idea.

So, she stood for a few minutes outside the mansions' gates, reading out some letters to pass time. She became so engrossed at reading that she didn't even notice him go outside until he was finally in front of her. Catching a set of feet just in front, she looked up. Her eyes widened as soon as she saw a fairly large and fluffy inanimate object in Shinichi's hands, holding it out to her.

"Here you go, Happy Birthday, Ran." he greeted, tilting his head on the side behind the cute teddy bear grinning from ear to ear. Instinctively, Ran accepted his gift and brought it close to her chest, feeling it's soft synthetic fur.

She slowly scrutinized it, it's features somewhat reminding her of...

"M-mom?" whispering incredulously, she glanced at Shinichi. Still wearing a smile, he nodded.

"That's right. Even if you don't talk about it, I know you miss your mom. You've been crying a lot too--"

"I wasn't crying!" she denied, but her mask slipped a little when he deadpanned.

"Yes you were," he stated calmly, as if he saw her doing so. She glared.

"How would you know? I never cried in school!"

"I'm sure before we go to school you do. Your eyes were always a little red and puffy when entering the class after all." he argued back. Instead of being embarrassed, Ran found something more important to point out.

"You were watching me?" she questioned, eyes curious. She didn't know why, but the thought of Shinichi watching and observing her made her smile(and a little nervous).

In an instant, gone was the confident and composed childhood friend of hers, image being ruined by his immediate coughing as if he swallowed a huge thing, cheeks flushed a healthy red, and a stuttering mess as he negated her claim.

"B-Barou! Those were just coincidences!!" then he slightly looked away, seemingly afraid to meet her violet orbs. Scratching his still blushing cheeks, he changed the topic.

"W-Well, Happy Birthday. You can use that stuff animal when you feel, you know, lonely." he dazed off, then glanced over her shoulder. As if realizing something significant, his eyes widened.

"It's already sun down! You gotta go home now or Occhan is gonna scold me!"

Ran followed his advice right after. As soon as she arrived home, she found her father in a sober state, and was even the one who tried to cook dinner for the both of them. Eri called later that night, which made Ran happy. She still asked her mother when the woman will come home and Eri would always reply with a vague answer. She didn't pressure her mother anymore, not wanting to ruin both their day.

That night as she entered her room, strangely enough, Ran didn't feel lonely. She also didn't feel the need to exhaust herself, now having a sweet stuff animal to comfort and fill her warmth. She settled on her soft bed, hugging the teddy bear tightly. And for the first time since her mother's moving away, Ran didn't cry.

-

They were thirteen, she recalled, when she received her second most thoughtful gift from him.

"Hey Ran, did you find the kitten?" Ran glanced up, hearing her name from Sonoko. She shook her head as an answer.

"It's still missing. I tried asking around but they said they never saw it." her bestfriend looked at her worriedly, knowing what she was thinking.

A few days ago, her, Sonoko, and Shinichi found a little ball of fur on their way home from school. They all took pity, Ran specially. So, the three teenagers took upon themselves to look after it until just a week ago, it disappeared. They searched everywhere around the area, trying to spot a little black kitten with huge and round green eyes. Unfortunately, they never succeeded.

Seeing Ran's mood depleted, Sonoko patted her back as comfort, grinning.

"Don't worry about it! I'm sure it has found an owner by now." Ran smiled, being reassured but still a bit dissatisfied. She decided to adopt the kitten after all but it was still nowhere to be seen.

To lighten the mood, Sonoko changed the topic to new shops, magazine, and gossips. Since the teacher was late, the Suzuki Heiress was unstoppable.

Rans' attention was grabbed however, when a certain someone entered the classroom. He was yawning, not bothering to hide his sleepiness. Rubbing his blue eyes languidly, she noticed how the dark circles under them became even more pronounced than before. Her eyes also became aware that there were some lines seared into his skin—scratch marks.

As if conscious that someone was watching him, Shinichi turned his head around, meeting weary blue with observing violet. It only lasted for a second, with the former looking away and going straight to his desk.

Shinichi had been acting weird lately. It started a week before, with him telling Ran that he would be late and she can just go ahead without him. True enough, he always came late ever since, which normally rarely happens.

Another thing to note would be his physical state. He looked restless, eyebags so obvious along with the constant yawning and even sometimes sleeping through an entire period. The last part wasn't new, but Ran heeded how easily he fell asleep, unlike back then where he needed to toss and turn his head for a comfortable position.

The last thing to caught her eye would be the little scratch marks. She would've been convinced that it was another case but seeing the scrape from his arms threw her off guard. They were shallow, but it didn't wave off her suspicions any less.

So, Ran decided that after class, she would visit him, whether he liked it or not.

The day went by rough, with Ran not being able to focus thanks to a sleeping classmate who looked far too exhausted for a normal student. Sonoko, looking at her stressed friend, ask her out to eat that sounded too appealing but she had to refused, knowing that if she didn't find out the reason for her best friend's odd behavior, she'll be the one to act weird next.

Knowing Shinichi's detective instinct, Ran knew better than to follow him on the get go and get caught. She waited an hour around the area, before making her way to the Kudo Mansion. The only problem now was how to enter without being seen.

She treaded through the stone path, finding the gate unlock. The middle schooler shook her head, both thankful and a little scared. What could he be so busy about for him to forget closing the gate?

Once Ran reached the front door and checked, that's when the immense feeling of worry kicked in. Shinichi also forgot to close the front door!

'What's happening to him? Is a case stressing him this much? Did something terrible happened? Why isn't he telling me--'

Her thoughts were abruptly stopped when the sound that something metallic fell reached her ears, making her anxiety increased tenfold.

Wasting no time and completely losing her initial target, Ran rushed in like lightning, fear evident in every step.

Upon reaching the kitchen and thoughts of her bestfriend in danger flooding her senses, she barged in.

Only to find the great detective Kudo Shinichi rubbing his head, and a couple of pans and plastic bowls scattered around the tiled flooring.

They gaped at each other, unable to register the current scenario. Ran was broken out of her trance however, when she noticed a light bump growing on the top of his head, which he was rubbing a while ago before he froze.

Previous distress setting in once again, Ran hurried by her childhood friends' side, helping him to stand.

"What happened?" she asked, examining and touching the bump. As if electrified by their contact, he flinched and backed away slightly, eyes a bit hazy.

"R-Ran, what are you doing here?" he seemed more concern of her presence than his own well being which made her glare.

"You've been acting weird this past week!" she accused as he treaded away from her, a bit too cautious. She took note of how his left hand slid behind him, fully intending to hide something away from her sight.

"Weird what, me? Barou, I've been perfectly normal. You're just overacting." the response didn't sound so convincing when he was literally sweating and avoiding her scrutiny.

"Yeah, then why were you always late this week?" the interrogation began.

"I was busy with a case Megure-keibu presented me, that's why." gaining his composure, Shinichi answered in a confident manner but that didn't drop any of her suspicions.

"Then what about you being constantly tired these days?" Ran pressed on, ambulating near her suspect. he kept his ground, so sure she was the one who was weird, not him.

"The case was so hard that I couldn't find time to sleep." he casually said, looking bored and done with the questioning.

She kept on walking towards slowly and when she was finally in front of him, she smiled innocently.

"Okay then, I have one last question to ask," he smiled, thinking he won. Then, feigning obliviousness, he consented.

"Fire away."

With those words as her signal, Ran forcefully yanked his left arm that he had been so carefully shielding and him having no time to react, she succeeded, revealing the scratch marks as her last piece of evidence and a.... kitten!?

Silence ensued. Until a mewl came out fromm the little ball of fur. Ran examined the little thing, coming to her conclusion.

"Please don't tell me this was the little kitten that's been missing since last week." she quietly pleaded for him to deny, but all he offered was a gulp and a weary nod.

Anger and bewilderment filled Ran, as she shook her head as an attempt to calm, but seeing the kitten that she had been desperately looking for, for the past few weeks made her burst.

"Why didn't you tell me you had the cat!? You knew that I was looking all over the neighborhood! I even told you I was going to take care of it--"

"That's exactly why I took it!" he interrupted, his excuse perplexing her thoughts even more than before.

"What?" he sighed and put the little kitten down gently, moving to the counter and sitting on one of the tools.

"Well, remember when you first tried to take it home? It was really aggressive, wasn't it?"

She did remember her hand getting scratch and almost bitten when she endeavored to adopt it. So, she gave a nod.

"Well, knowing what you were planning to do, I decided to take it to a friend of mom's who happened to be a vet and get it checked just to make sure. She said it was fine but it seemed a bit violent to humans so she advised me to take care of it so that it will get used to the environment. Knowing you, you would've been dumb enough to just take it without any examination and might get yourself really injured." she tried to refute his last statement but decided against it, knowing he was probably right.

But there was one thing that didn't made sense. "Then why didn't you tell me about it? If I had known I wouldn't have wasted my time, you know." hearing her question made him clearly uncomfortable, eyes now travelling anywhere but hers and cheeks tainted a light pink. They kept quiet, him contemplating while Ran patiently waited.

Knowing his loss, the detective whispered but she still heard it. "I was planning to give it to you next week. I just wanted it to be a surprise."

For some really unexplainable reason, Ran felt her heart beating faster than normal that she might die, face heating up, and even having a stampeding elephant on the pit of her stomach.

"Shinichi..." she uttered, not knowing what to say. Still looking the other way, he misinterpreted her calling as scolding.

"I know, I know. I shouldn't have done that. I should've told you properly and you wouldn't have to put so much effort into finding--"

His next lines were suddenly gone when she wordlessly went in front of his sitting figure and patted his hair softly, just like petting a feline. He stammered and tried to speak but found himself to be voiceless by her next words.

"Thank you, I really appreciate it..." she wanted to say more but was being suffocated by the swarming butterflies in her stomach, not allowing her to do so.

"You better be..." he mused, trying to lighten the mood and to calm his racing heart. As if by magic, he felt a sudden urge to close his eyes and lean on her posture, loving the way she stroke his hair so gently. And so he did.

Ran was taken aback by the unforeseen intimacy but didn't complain. They stayed like that for a few minutes, until she felt almost all of his weight on her, coupled with his heavy breathing that she concluded he fell asleep.

Slowly, she moved him to the sofa of the living room, all the while trying to not burst at the feeling of his breath on her neck. Succeeding, she grabbed a pillow and a blanket from his room, finally setting him down on the couch.

Ran couldn't help but feel guilty, finally figuring out that she was the reason of all his strange behavior all along. It explained his worn out expression throughout the entire week, having to take care of an aggressive kitten without having any prior experience must be exhausting, and it showed through his sleepless nights and lack of energy at everything in class.

Then, her eyes travelled to the little scratches and wounds all over his arms. They were nothing serious, but they must have at least sting. Wanting to at least alleviate the pain, Ran brought the first aid kid from his room and tenderly tended to all of the gashes and marks, and him not even flinching one bit despite being supposedly a heavy sleeper, became proof of how much time and effort he put for her surprise.

Ran went home that day, carrying his gift with her. She knew that he was supposedly giving this next week, but the teenager was pretty sure that Shinichi wouldn't be able to handle another week of torture like that. So, she left a note to make sure he didn't worry.

Years passes after that, but Ran would never forget the kitten he gave her, and the inexplicable giddy feeling with it. Sonoko would remind her how happy she was that she couldn't physically stop smiling for a while that it weirded many out but personally for Ran, it was worth it.

-

(Has a part 2 because it's so unnecessary long)

[daydreambts]

i listen to him attentively, and his words offer a new perspective for me. it's something i haven't thought of. but the way he talks just draws me in, unable to go back to watching the fireworks. i giggle again at his words, shaking my head gently. "don't apologize. i love hearing you talk at length. you've got interesting things to say that i can't help but listen." i glance at the fireworks again but return to maintain his gaze, smiling. "that's one way of looking at it for sure! i'd like to think of them as a spark. it's momentary but it's powerful and it lingers. it's as if you just know at that moment, something is starting. maybe it won't last forever and maybe it's gone too soon, but you'd recall that momentary feeling for a lifetime." i briefly glance at my timer, remembering the moment i met him. "i agree about wanting a love that lasts through the years. but i want it to be because both parties want to make it last that long, not something planned for them by other means." i cough and watch the fireworks show as it ends, keeping my gaze up at the sky. "maybe i'd rather have that short fling if it means it's real and natural."

•━»•»🌸«•«━━━━━━━━•••

"I see what you mean," Hoseok mumbled, still doubtful but considering your words. And the meaning behind them. Was this supernatural connection something you disdained, that other planned means you had mentioned? Or was it like fireworks from its sheer momentary intensity? What exactly did you think of this soulmate bond? And would your relationship be like fireworks or something more lasting? "While I'm still not completely convinced by its merits, I do agree that a fling that's real even for a moment is better than something lasting but less genuine..."

When the fireworks show ended, he gazed at you, trying to find the words for sentiments that he wasn't even sure of. But your father arrived then, patting your shoulder fondly, "It seems you're getting along with Mr. Jung, even monopolizing his time a little bit?" The man surely didn't mean anything by it beyond light teasing, yet Hoseok couldn't help but be on his guard. "We were just talking about how much we like fireworks, and metaphors related to it, Mr. Fadri. Would either of you like something to go along with wine?" he asked, looking between the two of you. He hadn't scheduled for a sit-down dinner, but had several chef stations arranged around the venue, each with their specialization in fine food.

[katzuyas]

dazzle me with gold

previous part | ao3

"I woke up alone," Victor ends his story on a barely concealed sour note. "Imagine my utter disappointment and shame when I made it back to the mansion only to have Chris inform me that you had already departed home."

Yuuri's face is white as a sheet of paper now. It was delightfully red just moments ago, embarrassed at the detail with which Victor recalled their night of moon-lit lovemaking. Victor thought that speaking of it might help Yuuri recall the passion they shared, but all he can see on Yuuri's face after all is said and done is fear. And panic. And a heavy dose of disbelief.

It stings quite a bit.

"I'm so sorry," Yuuri mumbles. "I can't believe–"

"I am not," Victor interrupts him rather coldly. "It was a beautiful night to me, even if it meant far less to you. Please don't tarnish my memory with fruitless apologies."

Another hue of shame is called forth onto Yuuri's face by Victor's words. Yuuri's mouth clicks shut and it should be satisfying, but all Victor feels is a chasm of darkness opening in his chest once again. It threatens to swallow him back into the cold world of loneliness and estrangement, which he believed to have only just escaped...  

Is he wrong to hope for something more than one night of bliss? Is it wrong of him to crave more than just a fleeting passion?

"When I drink," Yuuri starts, eyes firmly on the ground, "my memory gets woozy and, from what you said, I must have drunk a lot that night."

Yuuri cringes here, and something akin to hope wakes up in Victor's heart. Does he regret drinking? Does he want to remember? Does this little tick of the muscles in his face mean that Victor was wrong in assuming he was the only one who cared?

"I'm– I'm sorry I don't remember it, but if... if I did those things, if you enjoyed my company, then–" Yuuri takes a deep breath and lifts his head. His eyes are wide, but determined, and Victor can't fight it when his heart flutter, "–I'm glad to have had that much wine. Otherwise, well, I probably wouldn't have had the courage to speak to you. You are Lord Victor Nikiforov, after all, m'lord."

"I am," Victor agrees, but before Yuuri's expression can fall, he adds: "And I was Lord Victor Nikiforov when you had me on my back in Giacomettis' garden. Why does it matter?"

Yuuri's cheeks blossom pink, but he doesn't look away. Not this time. And it thrills Victor beyond belief.

"Is... is that what you want from me, m'lord?" Yuuri asks. "To be a young buck that gives relief to your passions?"

The way Yuuri phrased it made a shiver of delight run down Victor's spine. Is this what he craves? To have a young stallion, like Yuuri himself, ready and eager to mount him whenever Victor is struck by a passing fancy? No, it doesn't seem like it. While Victor would not have minded that, oh no, he can't help but be greedy – he wants more than just physical intimacy. He wants to posses the heart and the soul, not only the body, but... he also wants to be possessed. To be wanted for more than his charms, for more than his title.

"No," he decides when it becomes obvious that Yuuri is waiting for him to speak. "I want more than that, I always have. I want something... complete. Something lasting. Something honest. Do you think you can be that with me, Yuuri?"

Yuuri opens his mouth, closes it, and opens it again. His eyebrows are furrowed in confusion, but when he speaks, his voice is steady.

"I don't know what honesty means to you, or what complete and lasting includes, but I think that if you return those sentiments equally, we can be, um, close."

"Close," Victor repeats. "Tell me then, Yuuri, since we're speaking so familiarly with each other, what do you want me to be to you? A father figure? A brother? A friend? Or maybe... a lover?"

Yuuri's cheeks burn, as Victor predicted. Yuuri shakes his head so hard that his hair whips in the air like a dog's does when it shakes water out of its wet fur after a swim. It's an amusing thought and it brings a ghost of a smile to Victor's lips when Yuuri answers.

"I don't want any of that, m'lord. I just want you to be yourself."

Surprise grips Victor by the heart and his mouth goes slack. "Be myself?"

But who is that? Is it Lord Nikiforov? Is it the man who can turn things into gold? Is it the reclusive socialite who charms everyone he meets? Is it the man who dances and drinks the night through, and later takes the first pretty thing to his bed?

Who is this Victor Nikiforov that Yuuri wants him to be?

"Just yourself," Yuuri says as if he can hear Victor's inner turmoil, "how you are when no one can see you. Yourself that you'd never show anyone else."

"So you wish to know my secrets?" Victor asks. He can do that, can he? But–

"No!" Yuuri quickly denies and Victor frowns in confusion again. "That's not– I don't–" Yuuri takes a deep breath. "I want you to be able to confide in me, yes, but only if you wish to. See, that is what I mean. Be yourself. Be selfish. Be who you want to be. Honesty, you said, yes?"

Honesty, Victor remembers. It's what he asked of Yuuri as well. Slowly, understanding seems to make his vision clearer. He hums and puts a finger to his lips in thought as he takes in the slightly unnerved slope of Yuuri's shoulders.

"Are you sure?" Victor asks. "I am a very selfish person, Yuuri. Once I have you... I might not be willing to give you up."

Like before, Yuuri's response surprises him, but Victor can't deny the thrill that comes with it. There is no blush, no shyness, when Yuuri looks him in the eye and says:

"I'm a rather selfish person myself, m'lord."

"Then call me Victor, Yuuri," Victor replies, smiling. "Let's be selfish together."

[anchoredtether]

Title: Double Haze

Author/Artist: AnchoredTether

Rating: Explicit [graphic depictions of violence, major character death, dark themes, discussion of suicide, graphic/disturbing imagery]

Series: Vengeful Retribution

Chapter: 5/?

Spoiler-free Summary:  Rokurou thought nothing had changed until he felt something he could only describe as innately human. Velvet swore she felt a warmth, a luxury she was certain she would never feel again after her humanity died. It seemed even daemons could change.

CHAPTER 05 --- DOUBLE HAZE

There was a knock at the door. "Velvet, are you in there?" Velvet jolted awake at Laphicet's voice, and realized in a panic the situation she was in. She went to bed with Rokurou, and apparently both of them slept in. They innocently slept next to each other in the same bed, back to back, in order to keep their bodies warm and the hypothermia at bay. Apparently in the middle of the night they both turned over and Velvet had pressed right up against his chest and his arms found themselves wrapped around her. She was stuck in this position with Laphicet at the door, and the samurai slept like a rock. "ROKUROU." She whispered loudly, giving his chest a shove. Laphicet's voice came faintly from the hallway. "I don't know if she's in there. Or Rokurou." "Wait, are you saying that they're both in there??" Eleanor's voice was reaching that tone that made Velvet want to smack her. She shoved Rokurou even harder. "WAKE. UP." Desperate times called for desperate measures. Velvet wiggled her arm and slammed her hand into Rokurou's face, which elicited a weird snarl from the man as he instinctively smacked her hard, causing Velvet to let out a startled groan of pain. She retaliated and fully kicked him since she was no longer bound prisoner by his arms, and sent the samurai flying completely out of the bed. Unfortunately for Velvet, her hair was tangled up around Rokurou and it yanked her down onto the ground as well, eliciting a yelp. Stormhowl, which was propped up against the wall right next to the corner of the bed, slid and clattered loudly against the floor. I guess he doesn't sleep with it. Velvet thought, But…close enough. "Are you guys okay??" Eleanor knocked urgently. "What is going on in there?!" Rokurou was finally coming to as he remained sitting on the floor, and glared at the door. "Go away Eleanor." Velvet whipped her head up from her crumpled position to let out a frustrated sigh, and whispered angrily, "Is that really the best reply you can come up with??" She could only imagine what the redhead must be thinking at this point. "We'll be right out." He added, turned to briefly look at Velvet, then gently worked on detangling her strands of hair that wrapped around various parts of his body. He then spoke in a lower voice, "What just happened, exactly?" She scowled. "Apparently you have a hard time waking up. And crazy counterattack reflexes." She started gathering her hair as well, embarrassed that it had gotten so tangled. She never slept with someone else in the same bed so…she never encountered this kind of problem. "Samurai." He reminded her, and stifled a yawn. "Sorry 'bout the counterattack." His hair was down and somehow even more wild than usual, his shirt loosely hanging off his right shoulder, and a red hand mark was already starting to appear on the parts of his face that weren't obsidian. Velvet wasn't sure if his appearance was ridiculous or adorable, and thinking of the latter only made her more confused. His voice broke her from her thoughts. "Geez, is your hair six feet long??" "Five and a half." Velvet interjected. "Woah. That's almost as long as Stormhowl." "Does everything come back to that sword of yours?" Rokurou simply gave her a shrug and smiled. He was somewhat surprised she wasn't hitting him for touching her hair or something, but considering the situation she probably welcomed the help. He only just noticed how incredibly soft her hair was, attributing well to her name. He idly mused on what kind of insane or unconventional shampooing methods she must utilize to keep it so nice. "Considering how hard it was to wake you up, I take it you slept well?" She wondered if he even remembered wrapping his arms around her, and whether or not it was subconsciously done. "Slept great." He said, then raised a brow. "Why'd you have to hit me in the face though?" Apparently he didn't remember. "I was kind of…uhh…stuck." His eyes widened. "Oh no did I roll over on top of you??" "No no! Nothing like that, umm…" Velvet's face was slowly reddening, and Rokurou couldn't ever recall her looking so embarrassed. She was avoiding eye contact as she gathered up the rest of her hair and started running her fingers through it as she sat on the edge of the bed. "You kind of had your arms wrapped around me." "I did? …Sorry about that." "Don't…don't worry about it. We were both recovering from the hypothermia." She blinked rapidly after making the mistake of meeting his gaze. "It's my fault for kissing you last night. I…I shouldn't have let my emotions get the better of me like that. But at least you can't feel those kinds of emotions, so…" She hesitated, folding her arms as if she were cold. He initially tried to kiss her first - that's what got them into this whole mess to begin with. That meant he had to have felt something, right? She shook her head. Trying to understand how Rokurou felt about things made her incredibly confused. She couldn't afford to be confused. She couldn't afford to feel any such compromising emotions towards him. He said so himself: "Attachment and sentiment are weaknesses that will only slow you down in battle. Mercenaries can't afford love. That's just the way it is." And that's just the way it was going to be. Velvet couldn't afford to be attached to him, to hold any kind of sentiment. I can't afford to love Rokurou. While it ultimately felt like the most reasonable decision, Velvet couldn't help but feel a sense of emptiness. She inhaled deeply. "Neither of us can afford complications. We can just move past this like it never happened." "Yeah." Even though Rokurou was quick to agree, his voice was drawn out slowly as if he had to force himself to say it. "No harm, no foul." Although she expected such a response from the yaksha, Velvet could have sworn there was disappointment in his amber and crimson eyes. ][ --- ][ "Where the hell am I going to find another yukata?" Rokurou asked to no one in particular. Most of his clothing was rent apart by the code red daemon, and there wasn't much remaining of his yukata. He muttered "I guess it was time to get a new one anyway." It had plenty of mending from all his battles over the past year, so he couldn't complain too much. He sighed, his chest still hurting from the deep wounds. A week had passed and he was able to move around more easily, but he wasn't too keen on the idea of fighting quite yet. Everything felt raw and sore, but he was tired of staying in the company of an indifferent malak and the malak who used to be tethered to his brother. He decided he would leave the small town, retrieve Stormhowl, and then from there he wasn't sure what his plan was. He wasn't sure what he was going to do with his life after he killed Shigure, much less what he would do once he helped Velvet defeat Artorious. He was thinking he would always be by her side, and now that she was no longer here…everything seemed meaningless now. He couldn't exactly go back to being a mercenary…he wasn't even sure if anyone would want to hire a deamon. Perhaps his surname would outweigh that fact, if anyone caught on to the fact he was a deamon to begin with. So long as his bangs covered the red parts of his face the black markings could be mistaken as tattoos - he looked human enough. Some people however, could notice malevolence the same way some people had resonance with Innominat. There wasn't anything he could do about that. The Bloodwings didn't seem to mind who they worked with, so long as they were true to their word and got the job done. Rokurou could always take on code red deamons till he figured out what he was going to do with his life. Everything felt wrong. Continuing life after Velvet sealed away Innominat as if that was the only option. Rokurou felt there had to be some other solution. There was more to be understood, more to be done. Velvet deserved so much more than the cruel hand fate had dealt her.