#i did get a flu shot this year though but like in september. to get ahead of the school year

[oflgtfol]

girl i think i fgot the fucking flu

[mangoisms]

i don’t want you to the bone (i just need to lay down with soft skin close)

━ pairing: tim drake x f!reader

━ summary: The school year starts and with it, autumn days and sick kids. You’re fine but Tim keeps getting sick for a reason you can’t figure out. A fourth and final time reveals that reason — that is, his apparent lack of spleen.

━ word count: 3.1k

━ contains: established relationship, domestic fluff, sickfic, comfort no hurt

━ a/n: technically takes place as an extension of my other tim fic, i’ll be the dangerous ledge (you be the parachute), but prior reading is not required; all you need to know is reader is a teacher’s aide for sixth graders! title is also from this song

━ you can read this on ao3 as well (and find my end notes ^_^)

New school years are always a little nerve-wracking. 

New faces, new personalities, new parents. 

But each time you do it, the easier it gets. 

A routine forms quickly and you fall into it like it’s nothing. 

For the first part of it, August and September, you and Ms. C are getting adjusted to the new batch of kids. Seeing which ones are struggling and accommodating them accordingly. Autumn sets in. Mornings are colder, days are shorter, leaves start to brown. Then the sick days start rolling in. 

The common cold and flu take out a couple kids at a time every couple weeks. But your immune system is nothing to scoff at, not after working at Gotham Elementary in Burnley with the third graders. Middle schoolers are better on that front but there is still some room to improve. 

Last year, you took a hit, a small cold taking you out for a couple days. This year, your second here at Gotham Pointe, you’re perfectly fine. 

You are still wary, though, too aware of your clothes and what you might carry back home. As a general rule, you don’t like sitting on the couch or the bed in your work clothes just because it feels a little gross but it is particularly exacerbated by your career choice. 

And your boyfriend is an additional factor. 

Not for anything particular, just that you want to be mindful for Tim. Especially since he spends ninety percent of his time at your place. 

You see him as soon as you step through the door and you often linger, sharing a kiss, taking a while to talk about your respective days and discuss dinner. Only after you go and take a shower. 

Sometimes, he takes you out for your lunch break, too. And of course you’re in your work clothes and can’t change or shower and you admittedly forget and let him get close. 

You simply did not think you would ever need to get extreme about it. 

This, you would reflect after everything, is wrong. 

The first time, a couple weeks into the school year, it’s a cold. 

You both surmise he got it somewhere outside. Gotham isn’t exactly the pinnacle of cleanliness, so it’s hardly a great mystery to ponder. You mostly focus your energy on getting him better. 

Then it happens again in September. The flu this time. It prompts you two to go out and get your flu shots — after he gets better, anyway. 

You think you’re in the clear after that. 

But then it happens again in October. Another cold. Less severe. Or so he insists. 

And then again in November. 

And you start to worry. 

“Why do you keep getting sick?”

A weak cough, then a sniffle. “Just want an excuse for you to take care of me.”

You shake your head, seating yourself on the edge of the bed, pressing the back of your hand to Tim’s flushed face. His fever still rages on, skin hot to the touch. 

Despite that, he finds it within himself to be cheeky. 

From the bed, dark hair mused from the pillow, a little sweaty from the fever, cheeks flushed, nose stuffy and eyes bleary, Tim gives you a dopey smile, one you can’t resist returning. 

“I’ll take care of you anytime you want, handsome,” you laugh, running your fingers through his hair, not minding the dampness of it. “But this is the fourth time… What’s going on?”

“It’s fall,” he says. “People always get sick in the fall.”

“Not four separate times.”

“I’m just special like that.”

“All the jokes even with a fever of a hundred and one, hm?”

“Just for you, gorgeous.”

“Alright, cornball,” you chuckle, grabbing the CVS bag with the medicine you picked up on your way home. “I called Alfred on my way back. Just wanted to get his soup recipe but he insisted on coming down with a batch for you. He’ll be here in a little while.”

Tim hums an affirmative, sitting up with a small groan as you pour out a dose of medicine and hand it to him. He gets a comical look of disgust as it goes down, nose wrinkling. 

You smile, taking the little cup and handing him a glass of water, which he quickly drains. 

“I’ll go ahead and take a shower,” you say, picking up the bag and the medicine. “You need anything?”

“I’m good,” he says, dropping back onto the pillows and yawning. 

“Alright.” You lean over to kiss his head, ignoring his groan of protest. 

“Gonna get you sick —”

“You didn’t the last two times, so I don’t think you will this time,” you chuckle, squeezing his hand. “I seem to be the strongest immunity-wise. Which is odd since you grew up here and should be more prepared for it…”

“Well, you know,” he mumbles, noncommittal as he burrows under the sheets and closes his eyes for what you imagine is his hundredth cat nap of the day. 

You don’t really know and you’re still… worried about this, so you just squeeze his shoulder and rise from the bed. 

Every time you bring up going to the doctor, he shoots down the idea. Even when you point out you don’t need to go to the ER and you can just go and see Dr. Thompkins. But that makes him refuse even more. Says it’s just a cold or the flu and not an issue. But this is the fourth time. You’re rapidly approaching your threshold for concern. 

Maybe you can bring it up again today. 

You ponder ways to approach the conversation while in the shower. It’s not that he’ll fight you about it and you need to plan for that. It’s just you want to be prepared. Think it through. If anyone will appreciate having a plan of action, it’s definitely Tim. 

You have something of an idea when you step out of the bathroom. But you find the bedroom empty and voices coming from the living room. 

You quickly recognize Alfred’s posh accent and Tim’s soft tenor, thick from his stuffy nose. 

You don’t intend to eavesdrop. But it happens anyway. 

“… much too often,” Alfred is saying. 

“I know,” Tim responds, sighing. 

“Are the antibiotics not working?”

You frown. Antibiotics? What antibiotics?

“They do their job when I need them, it’s just that it’s been viruses, not bacteria.”

“I see. And this increase in viruses is because…?”

Silence. 

You remain rooted in place near your bedroom door, the wood thin, conversation easy to hear, even with the fan whirring in your bathroom. 

“It’s her,” Tim eventually sighs. “From the school. But she tries, Alf —”

“I understand,” he says gently, placating. “I am not placing blame on the young miss. But does she know?”

An even longer silence. 

Your heart pounds fast in your chest and you feel dizzy and off-kilter all of a sudden. Do you know what? What are they talking about? What are you doing? You’re the reason he’s getting sick? That… makes sense, it does, but… why is he so susceptible to it? 

You’re not blaming him. Of course not. But it’s just — it’s weird, right? And Alfred is talking about antibiotics that Tim has to take? As far as you know, he doesn’t take any medication. Tylenol sometimes. Daily multivitamins that you often have to remind him to take because he forgets. But that’s not medication. 

“No,” Tim finally says. “She doesn’t. I haven’t told her. I just don’t want her to feel bad. Because she will. I should’ve said something sooner about it and we could’ve worked something out but I didn’t and now we’re here.”

“Master Tim…”

“I know,” he says. “I know.”

You’ve heard enough. You’ve done enough. Dammit. You’re going to have to tell him about this. It was wrong to listen behind his back. Even if you want to know what it is he’s hiding, mostly, you just feel guilty. You seem to be the common denominator here and it’s not a good thing. 

You try so hard to respect his boundaries. Because there are things he does not want to talk about. Does not like to talk about. But you don’t like the thought of him not saying something to you because he doesn’t want to make you feel bad. You understand the intention! But you also don’t want him to feel scared to tell you stuff. Even if they hurt your feelings. 

No doubt because of his love for you and you get it. But still. 

You grab your dirty clothes and step back into the bathroom, then shut off the fan. Should announce your presence to them as you putter around the bedroom, tossing your clothes into the laundry and sliding your feet into your slippers. 

You emerge a minute later, Tim sitting on the couch, bowl of chicken soup in his lap, Alfred perched near him, the TV on the evening news. 

None of them give any indication of their prior conversation and neither do you, greeting Alfred as you usually do, serving yourself some soup, too, at his insistence. He sticks around for a little bit then bids goodbye, making you promise to give him updates and that if need be, I am perfectly willing to team up with you to get Master Tim to see Dr. Thompkins. 

After, Tim takes a shower while you get your dishes washed up and everything else locked up for the night. Checking on the boys, checking the locks on your windows and doors, then the super expensive security system you had covertly installed by Tim that your landlord would probably kick up a fuss about if he knew. But needs must. 

You pop into the bathroom to brush your teeth and wash your face, getting ready for bed, thinking about how to approach this. 

Seems simple, in the end. Just say it. 

It’s nothing, right? Easy-peasy. 

But your nerves betray you. And he notices. 

“You feeling okay?” he asks, sliding in next to you, eyebrows furrowed in concern. For you, of course. Always for you. 

You sag into the pillows, sighing. “Tim… I, uh, heard your conversation with Alfred. I didn’t mean to! But I know that doesn’t mean much since it still happened… I’m sorry.”

“Oh,” he says, sitting up against the headboard like you. The look on his face is hard to read. 

You wince. “I’m sorry again. And this will be the last I talk about it if you want but I just need you to know… you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t feel comfortable sharing, you know? But you can tell me anything. No matter what.”

A small shake of the head. “I know. I just — well, you know. I didn’t want you to feel bad. I should’ve said something first about it.”

“About what?”

He sits up, reaching for the hem of his shirt. 

You watch him carefully. 

It’s a familiar sight. The scars that litter his body. Amassed since he was fourteen-years-old. 

Fourteen. 

Just a kid. 

You were doing jack shit at fourteen. As fourteen-year-olds should be allowed to do. 

And you know the story, you know how Tim got involved with it but… sometimes on bad nights when he wakes up from a nightmare and can’t go back to sleep, either huddled in your arms for comfort or turned away from you, curled in on himself for subconscious protection, on the days where the injuries sustained bother him, body aching and in pain, stress pulling him apart at the seams, or the nights he gets called out and sometimes comes back in pieces for you to put him back together… you really, really loathe Bruce. 

Maybe his initial introduction couldn’t be helped. Batman needed a Robin. That’s what he said. But everything else after that… how Bruce treated him sometimes, how Bruce treats all of them. 

It pisses you off. 

But you can’t do anything about that. You can’t change it. All you can do is be here. Go at his pace. 

You’ve seen his scars. You’ve made sure not to make him uncomfortable. Tim is beautiful to you, a Michaelangelo painting come to life, the kind of beauty that haunts you, but those scars have harrowing stories attached to them and you understand that anyone might be uncomfortable with it. 

You told him that. And that helped. And by now, you are intimately familiar with them. You don’t know all the stories. He doesn’t want to scare you. Like you could ever be scared by him. But nonetheless. You’ve seen them. Run your fingers over them, pressed kisses to them. Wondering about the pain he suffered. Still suffers. Wishing you could take it all away. 

“I was seventeen,” he tells you, once his shirt is off, revealing pale skin, toned muscle, and so many scars. Bullet wounds, stab wounds, bullet grazes. You shift, knee pressed to his, your eyes on his face. 

“Stabbed in my spleen,” he goes on, taking your hand and pressing it to the horizontal scar on his belly. Your thumb brushes the silvery, textured skin, heart clenching at the thought. “They had to take it out.”

“Your… spleen?”

You scramble to grasp your scant biology knowledge. You were required to take science labs when you were in college but you went for astronomy instead of biology or anatomy. Before that, your only experience with biology is your class from freshman year. A very long time ago. 

So, you come up with nothing for what a spleen does. But you can infer. You just need him to confirm it. One look between you and he nods, sighing. 

“It’s not very well-known,” he says, glancing down at your hand, fingers stroking the scar, his own wrapped loosely around your wrist. “But the spleen has a small part in fighting pathogens. More specifically bacterial infections. I’m —” his lips purse, displeased with what he is about to say “— particularly susceptible to those kind. And I’m supposed to take antibiotics at the first sign of some kind of infection. But the spleen is also for pathogens — viruses — in general and well, antibiotics don’t work on those.”

“You’re immunocompromised.”

He winces. “That’s… a very strong word.”

“But not untrue, Timmy.”

“No,” he mutters. “No, I guess not.”

You quickly understand your place in this. Even if you shower, you two still talk, still kiss, still linger before then. Then for those lunches…

“I’m sorry,” you sigh.

“No,” he groans, leaning forward to scoop you into your arms. He’s still hot to the touch, still feverish, but you don’t care, arms circling him as he buries his face in your neck. 

“No?”

“No,” he grumbles. “I should’ve told you from the get-go. I just… honestly, honey, I forgot. And by the time I realized we might need to accommodate when you come home…”

“You didn’t want to make me feel bad.”

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to your neck. 

You run your fingers through his hair, closing your eyes and leaning your head against his. The scent of his shampoo, eucalyptus, is fragrant and pleasant to your senses. “Don’t be. I know why you did it. Let’s just accommodate better from now on, okay?”

You feel him nod. 

“You don’t need to go to the doctors, then?”

“Probably do,” he sighs. “I’ll call Leslie tomorrow. See if she or Jean-Paul have an open slot.”

That relieves some of your concern. You press a kiss to his hair. “Good. You worried me.”

“I know.”

No use in apologizing. He���ll always worry you. He might have stepped down from Red Robin but he still gets called away. For a Titans mission, for a favor to Conner or Cassie or Bart, then of course, for the way Bruce is perfectly able to guilt him into joining them for patrol. 

“No detours when I get home,” you say next. “Try not to touch anything. Keep my jacket separate from yours. Dirty clothes, too. And lunch…”

“I still want to take you out for lunch,” he says a tad petulantly into the skin of your neck. “I’ll just… I don’t know. Take some of that Emergen-C stuff. Bulk up my immune system. We don’t have to do anything extreme.”

Which is an amusing statement, coming from him of all people. 

But you get it. It pleases you, to know he still wants you very much. Your time. Your company. And that these indulgences are entirely feasible with your relationship. That he is willing to cut corners for it. But you’ll have to put your foot down on some of it. Just to make sure you don’t get him sick. 

For now…

You kiss his head. “I love you, you know that?”

He kisses your neck, arms tightening around your waist. “I love you.”

You squeeze him. He sighs, sounding particularly put-out about something. 

“What?”

“I want to kiss you,” he mutters. 

“We’re on break next week. Kiss me.” 

Probably not your best decision. But also not your fault that your boyfriend is very pretty and also a great kisser and also that you think you’d kiss him forever if you could. You’re like kiss deprived by this point, since he started feeling bad yesterday and developed a fever last night. Hopefully that breaks tonight. 

“I can get you sick.”

“We’ve been sleeping in the same bed. And also you know I didn’t actually catch anything —”

“You and your immune system of steel,” he complains. 

“Bet Conner’s jealous. Also, why the complaint? Do you want me to get sick, is that it —”

“Just bringing it up very frequently, while I can do nothing but suffer.”

“Oh, you’re suffering, are you? Suffering with a butler to make you dinner, with my excellent bedside manner and pretty face —”

He laughs, finally pulling his face from your neck, eyes crinkled. The smile that curls your lips is nothing less than lovesick but you don’t care. You cup his hot face in your hands, thumb rubbing the sensitive skin under his eye, feeling the way his cheeks curl with his smile. 

“I’m bringing my continued immunity up to make a point, Timothy.”

“Oh, is that what it is?” he asks, teasingly latching on your last name like you’re at school. 

You turn your head, starting to pull away. “Well, if you don’t want to kiss me —”

He groans. “Okay, fine. But if you get sick —”

“You’ll take care of me just like I took care of you,” you finish, smiling. “You love me too much to abandon me like that.”

A smile. “Yeah. Yeah, guess I do.”

You share a kiss to seal the deal. 

(And yes, a week later, you do get sick. 

And yes, he does take care of you.)

reblogs are appreciated!

[jo-harrington]

Are you still taking requests for creatures? I love Greek mythology. Oneiroi?

Oh hey anon; sorry it's taken a little while for me to get to your request. This sounded familiar to me and I couldn't place it. Obviously I looked it up, and it was incredibly interesting...but then I realized! (Sorry I'm gonna go off on a tangent for a second.) Persephone calls Hades "Oneiroi" when he appears in her dream in Rachel Alexander's Receiver of Many. Which is a fantastic series and 10/10 recommend.

So I'm gonna take a little inspiration from that book, as well as one of my favorite little animated shorts Somewhere in Dreamland. Hope you enjoy.

Themes/TW: Fluff, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/No Comfort

Find other Hymns of Heaven here.

And find the Master List for As Above, So Below here.

September 1984

Eddie was sick.

He didn't get sick often and it was a fact that he often touted about when his friends came down with a cold or the flu.

One time in the third or fourth grade, there was a horrible outbreak of the chicken pox and Eddie had been the only kid in class that didn't succumb to the terrible itching and endure countless oatmeal baths.

It was a bit of a blessing; his mom couldn't have afforded a day off work to take care of him or the penicillin shot at Doc Thomas' office. And once she was gone...well...Wayne and Rick did their best to take care of a healthy Eddie...who knows how much of a burden they would have faced with a phlegmy, puking one.

Now though, it hit him hard. Like 20 years of mediocre luck had run out.

It started with a dry and sore throat; he just wrote it off as having pushed his voice little too hard at the Hideout the night prior. A new setlist, a new song...pretty much an entirely new band. He had been excited.

Then his eyes started to feel dry and crusty; his vision just on the annoying side of strained and blurry. For the first time in his public school education, he wasn't lying when a teacher called on him and he said he was having trouble seeing the board.

By the time he got home, his head was pounding, and he used the last of his willpower to throw a can of chicken noodle soup in the microwave and call you to cancel your date for that night.

He curled himself into a ball on the couch and promptly passed out--didn't even touch his soup--only to wake up to yours and Wayne's voices in his ear and a hand on his forehead.

"...doesn't feel warm but he never gets sick. Maybe I ought to stay?"

Well...he assumed it was Wayne. It didn't really sound like Wayne. Maybe he was sick too.

"As much as he would enjoy the attention, he doesn't need both of us to stay with him. I've got something that'll fix him right up; you go."

"If you're sure?"

Next thing he knew, the front door slammed shut and his eyes cracked open to see a steaming bowl of something in his face.

"Alright you plague-ridden fiend," you teased. "Sit up, I'm not gonna spoon feed you."

"But what if I asked real nice," he groaned and hoisted himself upright.

He took the bowl and inhaled the warm steam coming from within. He'd had this recipe before; something your grandma made you if you were sick or just feeling down as a kid. You made it for him the day after Mickey left for college.

It had been like a healing light shined directly onto his soul.

Craving that feeling again, he practically shoveled the food into his mouth as you moved around the trailer to grab pillows and blankets and other supplies.

"Obviously I was worried when you cancelled," you explained as you roamed about. "I stopped at Bradleys so I could make dinner--there's ice cream too if you're feeling up to it--oh and Family Video...I figured some horror movies but then they had Casper and Friends and I couldn't say no to that. So I got a ton of cartoons. Popeye, Underdog...No Rocky and Bullwinkle. I promise."

"Fuck that squirrel," Eddie groused with his mouth full.

Before long, dinner and dessert had been consumed--the mix of warm and cold did wonders for his sore throat--and he was cradled in your arms on the couch as the otherwise-dark living room glowed from the old Technicolor cartoons on the tv. His arms were around your midsection as he rested his cheek right over your heart; the steady beat of it soothed him.

It was nice. You had your dates, your days out, your time with the guys...but this was different. It was almost as healing as dinner had been.

Comments were shared periodically between the two of you, and when there was a short that didn't particularly interest him, he would close his eyes to rest them.

He enjoyed the feeling of your hand carding through his hair.

Sure enough his headache started to fade.

Before long, a soft little lullaby started playing on screen and you hummed along to it. You were no singer--he teased you about it often; you couldn't carry a tune if your life depended on it--but you must have been familiar with this one if you could match every note instinctually.

Eddie opened his eyes and watched the two cartoon children on screen sing each other to sleep.

"I'll see you somewhere in dreamland," the little boy on screen crooned. "Somewhere in dreamland tonight."

"Do you think you meet the people you've lost...in your dreams?" Eddie asked suddenly. He didn't know where the question came from...or really why he asked it. It just bubbled out of him instinctually and...he felt like sobbing.

"I think so," you answered softly. "How else could they find you? But in your dreams?"

"Over a bridge made of moonbeams. We'll find the clouds are silver lined." The boy's sweet face turned serene.

"Did you know..." you pressed a kiss to his forehead. "That in greek mythology...the oneiroi...they control dreams and they live beyond an ivory and silver bridge on Olympus."

"Yeah?"

"Each little star is a castle," the little girl sang. "Shining a welcome so bright."

"Yeah. So I imagine that...that if you lose someone...a bridge like that would be easier for them to find...than the door to your house. Or they would just have to ask the oneiroi would help them."

Tears started leaking from his eyes and he turned his face into the softness of your chest to hide it. You felt him anyway.

"Hey what's this?"

"Sorry my eyes just hurt," he muttered.

You pulled him close to you and muttered sweet, reassuring words.

"Hey! It'll be ok," you whispered into the crown of his head. "It's ok, I'm here. I'm here so you've gotta feel better ok?"

"Don't go."

"I won't. I'm still here; don't cry anymore. Please."

"Please don't go."

The children still sang on the television.

"Dreams will come true for me and you. Somewhere in dreamland tonight."

April 1985

Eddie opened his bleary, leaking eyes.

His vision was blurred but he still could tell he was alone on the couch. The tv was off. A now-cold can of chicken noodle soup left half-eaten on the coffee table.

He was tired, he was angry, he was broken.

"I'm here Eddie, I'm here."

Your voice echoed in his head.

He was alone.

[suckitsurveys]

Do you enjoy receiving souvenirs? I do. I love getting magnets and shot glasses from places.

Do you get angry with people easily? Not really, no.

Have you ever had the flu? Probably as a kid.

What about strep throat? Yes, several times as a child.

What would you say is the worst kind of emotional pain? Losing people you’re close to. And not just from death, but in general.

Have you ever been to a psychologist? No, just a counselor.

What’s the worst part about school? Literally everything.

Do you normally have a lot of homework, if you’re still in school? --

When was your last vacation? The end of September. Mark and I took a little trip for his birthday.

Would you ever consider going on a cruise? I would never do an overnight cruise.

What did you last buy from the store? Groceries.

Would you say you enjoy being single or in a relationship more? I definitely enjoy being in a relationship.

Do you try to stay busy a lot? No. I really enjoy doing nothing lol.

What’s your favorite quote? “Love her, but leave her wild”

Do you lie a lot? No.

Do you still act childish most of the time? Not most of the time, no, but I definitely have my child-like moments.

Did you ever enjoy gym class? In elementary school it meant I got to play with my friends, so yes. What is your biggest insecurity? My body.

Have you ever painted a room alone? Not alone, no.

Speaking of which, when did you last paint your room? I haven’t.

What does your favorite jacket / hoodie look like? My favorite hoodie is black and has the TGS with Tracy Jordan logo on the back and a smaller logo with “STAFF” under it on the front. It’s 30 Rock merch and I love it so much. 

What’s for dinner tonight? I’m not sure. One of our meal delivery kit dinners. I can’t remember which ones we have though.

Do you ever drink alcohol? I do.

Have you ever had a terrible hangover? Oh yes.

Do you ever get migraines? Yes. They’re awful, but I can usually catch them because I get the tunnel vision before the pain and I take something right away. If I wake up with one, though, it’s game over.

Do you know how to garden? Yes.

What was the last thing you plugged into an outlet? The coffee maker this morning.

Do people consider you to be a funny person? I think so.

Do you have any bad habits? Oh yes.

Do you like children? I LOVE my nieces. They are my whole WORLD and their happiness and health is the most important thing to me. I love spending time with them and listening to them and watching them grow and become smarter and funnier every day. And I am a HUGE advocate for children and them being treating fairly and appropriately. Children did not ask to be brought into this world. You decided to have a child, now it’s your responsibility to care for a nurture and love that child. You need to adapt to them, not the other way around. There are too many children being abused and neglected and put into foster care systems that do much of the same. That being said, I can recognize that having a child of my own is NOT for me. I can hardly take care of myself and I know, 100%, I could not mentally, emotionally, or physically raise one of my own properly, and there are things about myself I am unwilling to change for the sake of another human. I think if more people recognized this (and abortion wasn’t still so fucking regulated), there would be less abused/neglected children in this world. Sorry to go off on that tangent lol.

If not, why is this? I realized I never actually answered the question asked above lol. Overall, yes, I like children and will always advocate for them, but as a human who loves peace and quiet, holy shit can they be annoying as hell hahahaha.

What is your favorite snack? Chips and dips; mainly tortilla chips and guac/salsa. And popcorn.

Do you own any gaming systems? We have a Wii, lol.

How old were your parents when they had you? My mom was 37 and my dad was 39.

Is there a big age difference between you and the person you like? Mark is 5 years older, which, according to TikTok, is a big age difference.......we met when I was 21 and he was 26, and I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Do you trash talk people a lot? Every now and then, usually just in a joking way.

What is the most amusing thing on the internet, in your opinion? I mean, a lot of things on the internet amuse me, which is why I spend so much time there, lol.

Does the future excite you or scare you? Both, which is how it should be.

Have you ever been to Disney World? Nope.

If so, how many times have you been? ---

Do you try to spend a lot of time with family? Yes.

How often do you shower? Every other day.

What would you say is your favorite genre of music? I am so bad with genres. I just like what I like and I don’t feel the need to categorize it.

Do you need to clean your bedroom? Yes. What do you plan on doing with the rest of your life? Live?

Do you enjoy Chinese food? It’s not usually my first choice, but there are some dishes I enjoy. I also notice there is some over-lap in Asian cuisine. Like, I feel like almost every Chinese restaurant has crab rangoon, but I have also seen that at Thai and Japanese places as well. Same with egg rolls. And I’ve also seen pad thai served at Chinese places, too.

Do you smile a lot? Sure. What is your favorite movie from the nineties? Clueless or Romy and Michele.

Which decade were you born in? The 80s, technically. Near the very very end of it.

Are you good at giving advice to people? Depends.

How many huge secrets do you have? None.

How many people know these secrets? ---

How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Twice, usually. I’m better about it at night because I don’t want shit sitting in my teeth all night lol. Do you ever floss? I use those little toothpicks with the floss in them

Have you ever been in a long-term relationship? Yeah, I am in one now. We’ve been together for 11 years and married for 5.

Ever considered suicide? Yes.

If so, did you try to commit suicide? No.

Is there anyone out there who makes you feel completely useless? I mean, it’s not really specific to a person, but anyone can potentially make me feel useless in certain situations. Do you like texting or calling people more? Texting.

What’s your favorite band? Probably Vampire Weekend.

Do you have a lot of friends? I have a good handful.

Have you ever painted something and been impressed by it? Not really.

Would you rather go out to eat or stay in? I like both.

When did you last babysit, if ever? Last month, but I am actually babysitting tomorrow.

Do you have any younger siblings? Nope. Have you ever thought of someone as useless? Yes, my brother in law is useless. He brings absolutely nothing to the table and he’s a huge fucking piece of fucking garbage.

Have you ever considered bleaching your hair? It’s currently bleached.

Do you drink vitamin water? No.

Do you ever straighten your hair? No, it’s already pretty straight. What’s the best way to end a conversation? Totally depends.

Are there any old movies you absolutely love? Of course.

Have you ever had a Big Mac before? I have..  

Do you think you attract the opposite sex at a reasonable rate? I only need to attract my husband and I seem to have done a pretty good job at that lol.

Where is your favorite place to travel? I like going to new places but I have a handful of places I frequent.

What is your goal for the next few months? Workout in one way or another every day (with some exceptions) for the next 4 weeks, and then 8 weeks, and then 12 weeks, and so on. And eat better.

Can you count to ten in another language other than your own? Yes.

Do you own a lot of shoes? No, just a handful of pairs. What is your favorite season and why? I’m into the latter half of the year. Like, June-December. I LOVE summer and all it’s nostalgia and activities, and Fall is gorgeous and beautiful and has Halloween, and the first couple weeks of winter aren’t too horrible and Christmas happens, but then January-May are always HORRIBLE weather and otherwise and I want to throw them in a dumpster fire.

Have you ever played on a sports team before? No.

If you have, what was that sport and when? ---

Have you ever filed a lawsuit on someone? No.

Do you think you’re a good singer? No.

Would you rather wear jeans or sweatpants? Leggings.

Do you think you have a good sense of style? No.

Do you enjoy reading often? No.

Have you ever had a deadly illness? I probably have one right now hahahahaha.

Ever had food-poisoning before? Nope.

Where did you last eat dinner at? My house.

Have you ever shot a gun before? A bb gun.

[mindynichole]

So somebody has been editing the wiki page and it says that Beth died at 17. We all know that this is untrue as it has been proven in interviews that she died at 19 and was 18 while bonding with him. Sadly younger fans think this is true. :/

I'm aware about the Wiki and the flack it has caused on social media - especially TikTok.

Sadly, this false information has been spread ever since Season 4 from a small - but loud - part of the fandom who wish to discredit Beth and Daryl's relationship.

But the fact is Beth was college age when she died. Period.

I'm sure this will not be the last time I am going to explain this but here it goes....ONCE AGAIN.

The very first piece of evidence we have for this is during the Still fight when Daryl tells her she's acting like some "drunk college bitch." This was clearly put into the script to make us understand she was college aged.

But in case that isn't enough, let's go back and analyze this a minute from the very beginning.

We all know that Beth started out as 16 when we met her back in Season 2. This is said several times.

However, in early Season 3, it is specifically mentioned that Beth was 17 at the prison - more specifically Carol tells this to Axel. People need to remember there were at least 6 months - and probably more like between 7 and 8 months - from the time Lori first found out she was pregnant during Season 2 on the farm until Judith was actually born during Killer Within in Season 3.

Therefore, Beth must have turned 17 during the "hard winter on the road" BEFORE they found the prison. This places Beth's birthday as being in the winter and Judith must have been born anywhere between May-August.

Next, there was a time jump between Season 3 and Season 4 that everyone likes to conveniently forget about.

I mean the prison community did not build up like it had in the Season 4 premier overnight! There were more people and animals and defenses and infrastructure and showers and all sorts of things that did not exist when the Woodbury people first joined Team Family at the end of the first Governor war.

We don't really know exactly how long this time-jump was but there are ways of estimating.

First, we can look at Judith and see she went from being a tiny newborn only weeks old - to being somewhere right around a year old but not walking yet. This means the time jump had to be at least almost a year with the season being started somewhere between May all the way up until maybe September/October.

Another thing that tells us a lot about the time of year is the state of the crops Rick was growing at the prison. Not only do we see mature plants but we hear Hershel commenting on how good they look and how close they are to harvest.

All of this points to it being the following summer or fall - and pretty late into it since the crops were nearly ready to harvest. My best guess is it was probably at least August when Season 4 picks back up and I'll explain this further in a minute.

This also makes sense when we consider the Governor and all he was doing during this time as well.

Therefore, since she would have had another birthday the winter before, Beth must have turned 18-years-old during the time jump.

Now, I really don't know about the "19-years-old when she died" comment because I haven't seen that particular interview. However, I can even see how that is possible.

Because if Beth was already well into her 18th year when Season 4 started and it's theoretically already around August, we see a lot of stuff happen before she actually "dies."

Though it's hard to determine just how long it was going on, Team Prison first dealt with the flu pandemic before the Governor decided to rain down his terror and destroy the prison. However, it was a long enough time period for Maggie and Beth to miss each other and their father.

Then, Daryl and Beth were alone together anywhere between " a few weeks" to "a few months" depending on which producer or writer you ask and what they feel like at the moment.

Daryl tells Rick "We were together for a while," in a way that makes it seem - well - quite a while.

But the most important thing we get timeline-wise from Beth and Daryl during their time alone together was how they changed from warm-weather-clothes to cold-weather-clothes between Still and Alone. This indicates it was turning from Summer to Fall.

Clearly, they were alone long enough for the weather to change - and given it being Georgia and it taking longer to actually get colder than say the Midwest - I believe Season 4 MUST HAVE started at least around August.

Next, we have Beth at the hospital:

Recovering from her injuries

Fighting off cops

Accidently killing doctors

Chopping off arms

Attempting escape attempts

While Daryl is:

Sulking with the Claimers

Meeting back up with Rick

Following signs to Terminus

Almost becoming lunch at Terminus

Reuniting with Carol

Finding Gabriel's church

This is even before Daryl sees the cross car and hightails it to Atlanta so one can pretty much assume none of it can be taking place overnight and some small amount of time has passed.

While we have no way of knowing what month in the winter Beth's birthday could be, I think it's safe to assume it's at least close to wintertime when Beth is shot - making it completely possible for her to have turned 19 at the hospital though her age is never actually mentioned there.

[atlafan]

Take it Slow - Part Eighty-Seven

a/n: okay this is my first shot at a harry:y/n fic, and it will be multiple parts. y/n had a bad experience with an ex over a year ago, and finally accepts her coworker and good friend Niall’s invitation to go on a blind date with his friend Harry.

Warnings: Fluff and Smut.

Masterpost (all previous parts can be found in the masterpost)

You were thankful it was the weekend so you didn’t have to miss work because your fever did not break over night. Harry did have a photoshoot, but he called Mariah and she was able to cover for him. You told him over and over to just go and that you’d just be sleeping it off, but he wouldn’t allow it.

“It’s not like I have the flu, I’m not even throwing up.”

“But your forehead is hotter than shit, so I’m not leavin’. These people know Mariah, s’not a big deal.”

“But you won’t get paid for it, and-“

“Y/N.” He snaps. “M’takin’ care of yeh.”

“I don’t want you to get sick too.” You pout.

“I’ll be fine, I don’t really get sick.” He shrugs. “Now, I want you to drink your tea and relax. It’s rainin’ a bit today so you’re not even missin’ out on any nice weather.”

“M’so cold.” You shiver.

“Let me get some more blankets, hold on.”

He goes into the guest room and grabs the comforter. He throws it over you and helps you get cozier.

“Thank you, I’m sorry.”

“Babe.” He chuckles. “Don’t be sorry.” He strokes your head. “Alright, so you ate your toast so that’s good…got fresh tea…took some Tylenol…I’m gonna leave yeh be, do some work up in the loft. My phone’s with me, just text me or call if you need anything, okay?”

“Okay, thank you.”

He kisses your hairline and heads out of the bedroom. Buster sits up in the loft with Harry, although he won’t stop whining.

“Buster, I know mummy’s home and you wanna see her, but she doesn’t feel good.” He strokes the top of his head. “Isn’t daddy enough?” Buster yips and licks Harry’s hand. He chuckles and strokes him one more times. “Should we go check on her? Been and hour and she hasn’t called f’me.”

Harry and Buster go down the stairs and head to the bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees you passed out, and curled up with your baby blankets snuggled to your face. Harry thinks it’s the cutest thing he’s ever seen, and if you didn’t look so terrible he definitely would’ve taken your picture. He smiles and leaves the room.

“She’s just fine, Buster. Let’s take you out for a walky.”

When Harry gets back from taking Buster out, he hears things coming from the kitchen. He pushes the door open and crosses his arms when he sees you out of bed.

“What are you doin’?” You jump and turn to look at him.

“I got hungry.”

“Why didn’t you call me?” You shrug. “Y/N.” He sighs. “Let me make yeh lunch. If you had just waited you would have seen I was going to bring you some soup.”

“Stop treating me like a baby. I know how to take care of myself.” You pout. “I needed to get up and stretch anyways.” You grab the pot you were looking for and put it on the stove.

Harry sighs and walks over to you. Before you know it, you’re being scooped up, and carried off to your bedroom. You don’t even fight him, it felt nice to be snuggled a little. He sets you back down on the bed.

“I’ll make your soup.”

“Will you come cuddle after I eat? Need cuddles, Harry.”

He smiles and nods before leaving the room. He cracks open the can of sodium filled noodle soup he knew you were craving and pours it into the pot. After five minutes it’s just hot enough and he pours it into the bowl. Harry has Buster lay in his dog bed while he goes back into the bedroom.

“Here yeh go darlin’.” You take the soup from.

“Thank you.”

“I just need to finish some things up, and then I’ll come lay with you for a bit, okay?”

“Okay.”

After an hour, Harry finished up on the photos he was editing. He couldn’t just not work while he was home. You perk up when you see him come in again. He gets on the bed and crawls towards you. He wraps his arm around you and you snuggle into his chest.

“Needed cuddles, hm?”

“Mhm, it’s the best medicine.”

You were cute when you were sick, and he couldn’t stand it. He smiles as he rests his chin on your head. He swipes the back of his hand across your forehead.

“You’re still really warm, Y/N…”

“I know.”

“You eat all your soup?”

“Yup.”

He was trying to think of what else he could do for you. But when he feels you nestle in further to him, he knew he was doing exactly what you needed. You just wanted to be held and caressed by him. Your stomach started to feel weird though.

“Oh no.” You say to yourself. “Harry, I think I’m going to-“ You clasp your hand over your mouth and you practically jump off the bed.

You just make it to the toilet. All of the soup you had came up. Harry rushes in as you flush the toilet. Your hair was already up, so he didn’t need to hold it back for you. He grabs a rag and runs it under the cold water to press to your forehead. When he’s done you stand up and brush your teeth.

“Guess it’s a stomach bug, great.” You groan.

“Soup was probably too heavy on your stomach, I’ll stick to toast and tea.” He rubs your back and helps you back into bed. He drags a bucket over just in case you won’t be able to make it to the bathroom next time.

It seems like every hour you had to throw up. You threw up until nothing but bile was left. You had started crying because the heaving was killing your stomach. Harry hated seeing you like this, and so did Buster.

“Here, I ran down to the corner store and got you some Gatorade.” He says handing it to you, but you shake your head. “I know you don’t wanna keep pukin’, but this’ll give you some strength back, I promise.”

You take slow sips of the Gatorade as you sit on the bathroom floor. Harry sits down next to you and tries to soothe you.

“I never get sick like this. Colds here and there, but I don’t get this at all. I get a flu shot every year.”

“S’not the flu, it’s a little bug…” He looks over at the tub. “Hey, why don’t I run you a nice, hot bath, hm? I’ll put some bubbles in it too. You can just sit and relax. Would you like that?”

You nod and he gets up to turn the water in the tub on. You were able to keep the Gatorade down for now, but you weren’t going to hold your breath. You watch Harry put the bubble bath into the water. He helps you up and you get all your clothes off. You sigh when you sink into the warm water. He goes into the bedroom to grab his glasses and a book, and sits on the floor next to the tub, leaning back against it. Buster comes trotting in and lays next to Harry.

You reach a hand out to play with Harry’s hair and he moans softly, closing his eyes to enjoy it. You can your arm around him as he reads, and you feel your eyes get droopy. When he hears your soft snores he turns to look at you.

“Babe?” He nudges you.

“Mm…”

“Can’t have yeh fallin’ asleep in there, c’mon.”

He wraps a towel around you and lifts you out. He puts one of his t-shirts on you and gets you into bed. He grabs the thermometer and sticks it in your ear.

“Hm, temp’s finally goin’ down. Maybe you just needed to throw it all up.”

“Maybe. Now I just feel tired.”

“Throwin’ up all day can do that.” He strokes your cheek. “Want some more toast?”

“I never want to eat toast again.”

“I’ll get some crackers then. See if we can keep that down.”

//

You didn’t remember falling asleep, but you must have passed out after you took more NyQuil. You felt weak from throwing up all day yesterday, but all in all you were feeling better. You didn’t have a temperature anymore, but Harry still wouldn’t let you do much. At least he let you out of the bedroom today.

“I just wanna go out on the balcony, it’s so nice out.”

“Alright.” He follows you outside and you both sit down. Buster sits between the two of you.

“He’s gotten so big, I can’t believe it.” You sigh.

“Don’t think he’ll be gettin’ much bigger at least.”

“Any word on how Eliza May is doing?”

“Oh sure, she’s great, so is El. They’re all just tired.” He takes his phone out. “Lou sent along some pictures yesterday.” You take his phone from him and look through them.

“She’s so tiny!” You squeal. “So precious.” You hand his phone back to him.

“So, you’re really feelin’ better?”

“Mhm, much. I can’t thank you enough for being so good to me yesterday.” You reach your hand out to hold his. He happily takes it.

“Don’t need to thank me, it’s all just part of it.” He shrugs.

“Part of what?”

“This.” He gestures between the two of you. “Like, it’s just what you do when you love someone. You’d do the same for me.”

“In a heart beat, doll.” You squeeze his hand.

//

It was officially September. Sarah and Niall’s trip to Ireland went really well, and while he was out there, he asked her to move in with him. She of course said yes, and was so excited. Her and Rachel sobbed on each other for nostalgic purposes, it was an end to era. But Rachel could afford her apartment on her own, and she was sort of used to living by herself anyways. It was a really easy move. All Sarah needed to bring with her was clothes and some other small things.

Labor Day Weekend was rolling around and you all were trying to figure out what you wanted to do. Seth was having party at his apartment, and it would be nice to be outside instead of stuffed into someone’s apartment.

“You’d like his place, he has a pool and a small yard out back.” You explain. “It’ll be more chill than the fourth.”

“Alright, yeah, let’s go.” Harry says.

“Are you sure? We can find something else to do…”

“No, I think it’ll be fun. Besides, Niall, Mariah, and Isaac will all be there.” You smile at him and get ready for bed. You turn over and he taps your shoulder. “Excuse me?”

“Yes?”

You hadn’t had sex since you had gotten sick, just wanting to make sure you wouldn’t pass anything along to him. He looks at you with his bedroom eyes and it send a surge through you. You roll onto your back.

“Is the store still closed, or can I come in?” You burst our laughing and pull him onto you, opening your legs up.

He dips his head down and kisses you, sinking his teeth into your bottom lip.

“Mm, before we get started, you can’t leave any visible marks on me.”

“Why the fuck not?” Oh great, aggressive Harry.

“It’s one thing with our close friends, but…I don’t know…I don’t want Isaac seeing, or any random person that also might be there.”

“Or Seth.”

“Harry.” You roll your eyes, and he snatches your cheeks between his thumb and forefinger so you’ll look at him.

“You’ve been so good about not doin’ that.” He makes a tsk tsk noise.

“Doing what?”

He smirks at you and shakes his head.

“I’ll take my rings off, but hand’s goin’ right around that little throat of yours.” He sits up and takes his rings off, setting them down on the night table. Your heart was beating really fast. “That alright with you?”

“Do I have a choice?” You smirk.

“Course you do.” His features soften. “M’not gonna force you to let me choke you.” He chuckles.

“You’re doing a lot of talking, and not a whole lot of choking.”

His mouth falls open and you start giggling. He lifts your shirt off and kisses down your stomach, and down to your center. He looks up at you while he makes light licks up towards your clit. You grip the blankets, and then his tongue is plunging inside you. His thumb rubs circles on your clit, and one of your hands tugs at his hair. He groans against you, and your hips buck up towards him. He lets you grind against his face, not something he always lets you do since he likes being in control of your orgasm. He looks up at you and is elated. Your head was thrown back and you were biting your bottom lip, just going to town on his tongue.

You gasp when he pinches your clit, and then rubs it furiously.

“Oh my god, oh my god, fuck! Harry!” Music to his ears. You come all over his tongue and he laps it up.

He gives you a minute to catch your breath before spreading your legs back apart. He thrusts into you and you grab at his biceps to keep yourself steady. You don’t stay like that long though. He grabs your legs and throws them over his shoulders. Your back arches from feeling him so deep.

Not that you didn’t always enjoy sex with Harry, but you were really feeling it tonight. You wanted to feel more. You reach for one of his hands. He thinks you just want to lace your fingers together, but you pull his hand towards your throat. He drops one of your legs so he can lean in easier. He gets a really good grip on you and your eyes roll into the back of your head.

You were going to come again, any second really. He he was hitting your g-spot, and everything just felt amazing. He feels you tighten around him and you gasp as you release. He lets go of your throat to help you get some air. You reach up and grab his face to bring towards yours. You slot your mouth over his and his thrusts become quick and sloppy.

“Fuck, Harry.” You wrap your legs around his waist, and his come shoots inside you.

He collapses on top of you, and you hold him close to your chest. You kiss his hairline over and over and he whimpers as he pulls out.

“You could’ve stayed inside longer.” You say softly.

“I know, but I really need to wee.”

You laugh as he gets up and shuffles into the bathroom. You use it next and then you both get settled. He rolls over so you can spoon him, and you nestle in close to his back. He holds the hand that’s draped over his side and presses it to his stomach.

“Love you baby.” You coo.

“Love you too.”

//

The next day around 11AM, you, Harry, Niall, and Sarah all drive together to Seth’s. Rachel and Mariah would be meeting you there. It was hotter than a mother fucker out, so you knew you’d be swimming. You had a white tank top on with some jean shorts, a cute on piece on underneath.

Plenty of Seth’s friends were already there, and so was Isaac. They both smile when they see the group of you show up. Rachel and Mariah had already arrived as well. Seth comes over to greet you all.

“Hey!” He hugs you, maybe a little too long for Harry’s liking, but then lets you go. He shakes Harry’s hand.

“I made that taco dip you like so much.” You smile and take it from Harry.

“You’re the best! Wanna bring it inside for me? You can just stick it on the table. I’m trying to keep the food out of the sun.”

“Good idea.”

You and Sarah go into the apartment together to set all the food you brought down.

“Grab a chair guys, plenty of places to sit. Obviously not as big as my parent’s place, but it works. Feel free to jump in the pool too.” He smiles and walks away.

Harry and Niall find a place to sit. You and Sarah walk back out with drinks for all four of you. You kiss Harry’s cheek and then go to say hit to Rachel and Mariah.

“You look cute.” Rachel pats your bum and you giggle.

“Thanks! These shorts suit me, hm?”

“Yeah, they look comfy too.”

“They are! Got them through StitchFix believe it or not.”

Harry looks over to see Isaac and Seth sharing a wicker love-seat. Seth has his arm around Isaac’s shoulders. Everyone seems really chill. Rachel and Mariah pull up chairs so they can sit with you all, and you plop down in Harry’s lap. He wasn’t expecting it, but he was happy about it.

“I don’t know how you two can sit like that, it’s way too fucking hot.” Sarah laughs.

“Didn’t you know, we need to be touching at all times.” You say sarcastically and everyone laughs. You turn to look at him. “You’re not too hot like this are you? I’ll move-“

“Nope, wantcha right here.”

“Y/N, when does Nannie come into town?” Rachel asks.

“Oh! Not for a couple of weeks. Did you all want to come over for New Year’s dinner too? My family will be there of course, but I know with school starting it’s not easy for you guys to zip home.”

“Are you making brisket?” Sarah asks.

“What the fuck else would I make?” You chuckle. “Of course!”

“Then I’m there.”

“Will your mum make that dump cake?” Niall asks.

“Obviously.”

“Then I’m there too.”

“Yay!”

The only person that knew about the full plans of that weekend was Niall. Harry had even barely told Louis. He was desperately trying to keep everything under wraps.

//

After a few drinks, you were ready to go for a swim. You were sweating way too much for it to be comfortable anymore. You get off Harry and take your tank top off.

“Ow, ow!” Sarah says and you flip her off.

“Oh, shut up. Are you gonna swim with me?”

“Thought you’d never ask.”

You flip your hair over and throw it up into a bun, next you take your shorts off.

“I can’t remember the last time you wore a one-piece, it’s cute, but I’m surprised.” Rachel says.

The three of you walk over to the pool.

“I sort of needed to. I had marks on my hips, and I have a really fresh one right here.” You tap near your left ribs. “He listened to me last night, but attacked me this morning in the shower.” You sigh. “Oh well.”

They both giggle at you and you all step into the pool. You all sigh with relief. Isaac comes into the water with you all.

“Hey Isaac.” You say.

“Hi girls, mind if I join you?”

“Not at all!” Sarah says.

“It was just getting way too hot.”

“Agreed.” You say. “So, you looked real cozy with Seth.” You smirk.

“We’ve been very cozy.” He winks at you. “It’s only been a few weeks, but I really see this turning into something.” He says quietly. “He’s like a really good cook.”

“I know.” You and Sarah say at the same time, and both burst out laughing.

“Oh that’s right, you slept with him too.” He laughs.

“Only for a semester. Y/N got that D for an entire school year.”

You splash at her and look over to the boys to make sure they didn’t hear.

“Can you maybe not? He’s in a good mood, and I don’t need him getting all…dominant.”

“You do know how toxic that sounds right?” Sarah asks.

“Yeah, Y/N…since when are you afraid of Harry?” Rachel asks.

“I’m not afraid of him, I just don’t want to cause any unnecessary drama. No one needs to be reminded that I used to fuck our party host.”

“Why not, it’s fun to talk about.” Seth says as he sits at the edge of the pool. He pulls Isaac to stand between his legs, facing away from him. Isaac leans back to rest his forearms on Seth’s thighs. “Ohhh, that’s right, your boyfriend might get a little jealous, my bad.” He smirks.

“Leave Harry alone.” Isaac pouts up at Seth. “He means well, he’s a mooshball at heart.”

“It’s true…he’s very sensitive.” You look over at him again. He was laughing over something with Niall and Sarah. “So can we cool it with all that?”

Everyone agrees and shrugs it off. The conversation goes back to something lighter. Seth says something that makes everyone burst into laughter, especially you. You felt like you couldn’t breathe, and had tears streaming down your cheeks. It made everyone else laugh even harder.

“On that note, I’m gonna fire the grill up.” He stands up.

“Do you need help?” Isaac asks looking up at him. Seth crouches in front of him and shakes his head no. He kisses him quick on the lips, stands up, and walks towards the grill. Isaac turns back to you three. “God, he’s so hot.” You all giggle.

“So, how often does that happen?” You ask.

“Plenty often.” He smiles. “He’s a really good kisser. Never dated a guy with a lip piercing before, it’s cool.”

“Dated, so you’re dating?” Rachel asks with a smile.

“I guess so…I mean I’d say we’re seeing each other, right?”

“Oh for sure.” Sarah says. “I mean, he openly kissed you at his party. If that’s not a signal that he’s taken, I don’t know what is.”

Niall, Harry, and Mariah all come towards the pool and get in. You feel giddy when you see Harry sort of sweaty with his shirt off. You wrap your arms around his neck and kiss him.

“It’s not your birthday anymore, so that’ll be enough of that.” Sarah says.

“Jesus, Seth can kiss Isaac, but I can’t kiss Harry?” You ask, letting go of him.

“Kiss? Yes. Tongue fuck? No.” She chuckles.

“My tongue wasn’t even leaving my mouth!” You laugh.

“I can vouch for her, it was a closed mouth kiss, Sarah. But I’d be happy to-“

“Nope!” She dives under the water and swims away. Niall follows her.

The rest of you laugh.

“Does she seriously have a problem with PDA? I don’t wanna make her uncomfortable?” Harry asks you.

“No, I just think that anytime she sees us go at it she remember that time you sucked on my neck so hard my skin popped when you let go and it freaked her out.”

“Ohhhhh.” He looks at Isaac. “So, you’re havin’ fun?”

“Mhm, lots.”

“He’s treatin’ yeh nice and all that?”

“Yes, Dad, he treats me real nice.”

“Oi, I’m just makin’ sure, don’t get your knickers twisted.”

“You know what I think the problem here is?” Mariah starts. “Isaac’s fullest attention used to be yours, and now it’s not and I think you’re a little jealous.” She smiles.

“Me?!”

“God, who else?”

“M’just lookin’ out for my friend.” He crosses his arms.

“But there’s nothing for you to look out for.” Isaac says. “Although, I haven’t minded the extra attention from you.”

“What do you mean there’s nothing to look out for?”

“I mean, he’s genuinely a really nice guy.”

“It’s true, Harry.” Rachel says. “I’ve known Seth a long time, and never have I ever seen him hurt someone he’s dated. If things didn’t work out, it was usually because of the other person, not him. God, Y/N, do you remember when he found out Mel cheated on him?”

“That was not good, not good at all. It was a miracle we got him to stop crying.”

“What stupid bitch would cheat on him? To give up a dick like that?”

Our jaw drops and you start laughing, so does Rachel.

“What are you admitting to, exactly?” You ask him, giggling.”

“Shut up.” He pouts. “Answer the question.”

“He wouldn’t have sex with her. It was our freshman year, and he hadn’t had sex in general, and she didn’t feel like being patient. She was a stupid bitch.” You explain.

“Did you beat her up?” Harry jokes.

“No, but I should have!”

“I would’ve paid money to see that. She knew better than to come around us again.” Rachel says.

Eventually you all get some food, and the day goes on. Harry notices various point of you and Seth chatting and laughing. He’s shocked when he’s not even a little bothered. For the first time in his entire life, he felt safe and secure.

Later on, Harry finds himself in the kitchen making some drinks when Seth walks in.

“Hey, man, having fun?” Seth asks him with a smile.

“Yeah, thanks again for havin’ us.” Harry smiles back. “Things seem to be going well with you and Isaac.”

“Yeah! He’s really great. Thanks again for being so cool about Y/N wanting to set us up.”

“I’ll be honest, I wasn’t super comfortable with it at first…given your history.” He rubs the back of his neck. “But you seem to make my friend happy, so…” He takes a sip of his drink. “And you do throw a pretty good party.” He smiles.

“Thanks.” He grabs a fresh bowl of chips to bring outside. “I do really like Isaac, I’m not going to do anything to hurt him. I just wanted you to hear that from me.”

“I appreciate that.”

//

Later that night, Seth gets a fire started. You had all changed into somewhat warmer clothes. You were sitting in Harry’s lap, feeding him a s’more. Some of the chocolate gets on his chin and you suck it off discretely. He feeds you one, and you both giggle, trying not to make a mess.

Harry was really proud of you. You stuck to drinking seltzer water all day. You made it look like an actual drink so no one would say anything to you. You had started to level out from your meds, and things were getting better for you mentally.

“Went on a drink run.” Sarah says, handing you a cup.

“Thanks.” You smile. You sip on it without thinking and cough it up when you taste the vodka.

“What’s wrong? You’ve been drinking vodka tonic’s all day…” She frowns.

“I…uh…” You get off of Harry, and walk towards the house. “I have to go to the bathroom, excuse me.” Sarah looks at Harry.

“She’s…not really able to drink alcohol right now, but she doesn’t really want everyone knowin’ why, and it’s not what you think.” He smirks. “So get that thought out of your mind right now.”

“Well, if she’s not pregnant, why wouldn’t she be drinking?”

“Does she need a reason? Can’t a person just decide not to drink?” He sighs. “I’m gonna make sure she’s alright.”

Harry goes into the house and finds you in the bathroom. He closes the door behind him.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I genuinely needed to pee. What did you say to her?”

“I just said you weren’t drinkin’.” He shrugs. “I assured her it wasn’t because you were pregnant, so don’t worry about that rumor getting’ started.”

“Thanks.” You smile. “I just don’t want them knowing…not yet anyways. I don’t want them looking at me any different.”

“I know baby, you’ll tell them when you’re ready.”

He wraps his arms around you and kisses the top of your head.

A couple of hours later, and you’re all ready to head out. You give Seth a hug goodbye and thank him for a great time. You and Harry sit in the backseat of Niall’s car while him and Sarah sit up front.

“That was a lot of fun.” Niall says. “Feel like I never left the pool.”

“It was definitely nice to have a place to cool off today. I’m glad we didn’t decide to just have a party at our place.” Sarah says.

“Our place.” You giggle. “Love that for you guys.” Sarah turns around to you and gives you a beaming smile.

When you get home you say goodnight to your friends. You couldn’t wait to see Buster. He had spent the day with your mom. He yips at the two of you when you walk in and you rub his belly.

“My good boy.” You coo.

Harry wraps his arms around your waist and spins you around.

“What are you doing?” You laugh.

“Nothin’, just love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

He sets you down and you look at him. You cup his face and pull him down to you. You kiss him and lace your hands through his hair. His hands slide your butt and he gives you a squeeze. You sink further into the kiss.

“Hey, um, how tired are you?”

“Not very, why?”

“What if…I went and took a shower?” He rubs the back of his neck.

No matter how many times you two did this, Harry was always bashful when he asked for it. You thought it was cute. You bite your bottom lip and look up at him. You pull him back in to kiss you, sticking your tongue in his mouth, making him groan against you.

“I think that’s a great idea.”

[samthemarvelfan]

One Last Time: Part 1 of 2

Summary: ModernAU! Mini Series! With her best friend’s wedding around the corner, Ella Monroe is bound to run into people from her past. While she may have left her old life behind, it seems as though her heart hasn’t.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OFC,(can be read as Y/N) Wanda Maximoff, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanoff, Sam Wilson

Warnings: Swearing, heavy angst, infidelity, mentions of drinking.

A/N: Hi guys! This idea came to me at about 3 am last Thursday and I’ve been fine tuning it since. It’s a long one again, (sorry!) so strap in! <3

@iheartsebastianstan @jjlizz @stuckysbabe @sk493494 @lefoutoir @nickangel13 @marvelismysafezone @lilulo-12 @warmvanillafeels @star-spangled-beard-burn @ravenesque @pinknerdpanda @wintersoldierissucharide @snapcapquartet @ellen-reincarnated1967 @unlistedpond @my-drowning-in-time (strikethrough means the tag didn’t work! I’m sorry!) Tags are OPEN! Just send an ask :)

“So there’s no one you wanna bring?” Wanda asked through your speaker.

You’d put her on speaker phone when you entered the hotel room. Walking through checking for any imperfections, you continued your conversation.

“Wan, honestly it’s fine. I told you I didn’t need a plus-one when you sent the invites out...a year ago.”

She chuckled, “I know, I guess I was just holding out for a miracle.”

You rolled your eyes, “Ha-ha.” You said sardonically. “Well, before I’m insulted anymore, I’m gonna go get ready for your rehearsal dinner.”

“I’m only teasing you, Els. You’re not the only person coming solo...” she spoke. Wanda was your best friend, and you knew what she was doing. She was baiting you.

“Wan...” you scold.

“I’m just saying! There’s a few people who also declined the plus-one!” She feigned her innocence.

A sigh escaped you, “Are you gonna get to the point?”

She paused, “Well like, I don’t know...Bucky for example, he’s coming solo too.”

“And there it is.” You said flatly.

“There what is?” She asked.

You flopped on the bed, placing the phone on your chest. “Wanda, I don’t care that he’s going to be there. I don’t care if he’s going solo. I don’t care to see him.”

“Ella...” she said, her voice full of pity.

“No, no, no. Don’t you ‘Ella’ me,” you mock, “I’m fine, Wan. I haven’t seen him in what, 5 years? I doubt he’s even thinking about me being there, and before this conversation I sure as hell wasn’t thinking about him.”

Liar, liar, pants on fire. You thought.

She sighed, “I just...I know he hurt you. More than that, I know you, Els. I don’t want you to get wrapped up in the past when you see him. I want you to actually enjoy the weekend, not avoid Bucky the whole time you’re in town.”

You heard her say hello to someone, “Oh Els, Vis just got here, I’ll see you tonight?” She said, the excitement apparent in her voice.

“Yes you will, love you!” You pressed end on the call, and let out a puff of air.

You’d be damned if your evening was going to be ruined by Bucky Barnes.

6 Years Earlier:

“So are you guys dating or what?” Wanda asked you, gripping her mug excitedly.

You felt embarrassment rise to you face, “I...I think so? Who knows with him, he’s never actually asked me out on a date before tonight.”

She rolled her eyes as she sipped her coffee, “Ella...the guy is obsessed with you. I see the way you guys are together, he’s a different person around you.”

You smiled to yourself, “I like him, Wan. I like him so fucking much,” you laugh. “He’s so kind, and he’s funny, and he remembers everything. I told him one time—one time, what my favorite ice cream was. Remember when I had the flu a few weeks back? He sent me a whole get-well package, Ben and Jerry’s Cinnamon Buns ice cream included.”

You fidgeted with the straw in you iced coffee as Wanda looked at you. The smile on her face screamed excitement, but it didn’t match the concern in her eyes.

“What is it?” You ask, before sipping your drink.

She shook her head softly, “Nothing, Els.” She fibbed.

“Wanda...” you chastised.

She sighed, “I just don’t wanna see you get hurt. That’s all.”

You gave her a look of confusion, and she continued.

“I’ve known Bucky since college, and he’s a great friend. He’s loyal, and he’s kind, and he’d give you the shirt off his back in a second.”

“Why do I feel a ‘but’ coming...” you said cautiously.

“He’s never been a one-girl kinda guy. Any relationship he’s ever had has been...short-lived at best. I hope that’s not the case any more, is all. You’re my best friend on the planet and you don’t deserve that.”

Nodding, you take in her words. Bucky had asked if you wanted to grab dinner from your favorite pizza place and then head to the park for a picnic dinner. That sounds like a date, right?

“He makes me feel safe, Wan. Like I can be myself around him and he’ll always have my back. I’ve never felt like that with anybody.” You smile softly to yourself.

“Hey, I didn’t mean to make you think he doesn’t like you, truth be told I’ve never seen him act like he does with you with anyone else either, it’s like you put a spell on the guy.”

You let out a chuckle, “We can only hope!”

You looked fucking good.

You’d never been one to be that confident, but tonight you couldn’t help it. The dress you’d picked was perfect; deep green, velvet and long sleeves. All with black heels to match.

The ride to the restaurant was quick. Wanda thankfully was savvy enough to keep everything within the same 5 blocks.

As you entered, you were handed a glass of champagne, which it took a lot of control not o guzzle down in one swig.

This place was stunning. Marble floors, golden sconces, and dark wood accents. It even had an incredible view of the water, and a patio jetting out so you could enjoy the stars and views of the city.

“Ella?” A strong voice called behind you.

You spun and saw Steve with a cheeky grin on his face. “Steve, oh my God, hi!”

You embraced him without hesitation, “Holy shit, Els. I almost didn’t recognize you, you look amazing.”

He kissed your cheek as you rubbed a hand on his back. “This is nuts, what’s it been...3 years?” You ask.

He laughed, “I think so, the uh, the September Foundation Gala! That was the last project you worked on with us, right?”

You pursed you’re lips into a forced smile, and nodded. “Yeah, yeah I think so.”

A few years back, you’d been working for Stark Industries as the Liaison for Logistical Affairs; AKA the calmer of all the shit storms.

You’d proposed the Grant program to your boss/CEO of the company Tony Stark, and he actually went for it. The September Foundation is—was your baby.

“We miss you over there, the org is thriving. It’s all thanks to you ya know, you may have left us, but you inspired a lot of greatness while you were there.” Steve said earnestly.

You smiled earnestly, “Rogers I am way to sober to be this sentimental.”

He laughed, “Come on, I’ll get you a drink.”

Some time later you’d seen nearly all of your old friends.

Nat was pregnant, due to pop any second. She and Sam were expecting twins—a boy and a girl.

“I can’t believe this!” You shout, caressing her tummy.

“You? Shit, I still think there’s four or five of them in there with how big I am.” She gestured to her stomach.

You shook your head in protest, “Stop that, you are literally glowing.”

“I’m just glad Wanda, in her ever-modern wisdom mind you, decided against a bridal party.” The air quotes really added to the sarcasm.

Sam quirked an eyebrow, “Wait, I thought this was a rehearsal dinner. Y’all are telling me it’s just gonna be the two of ‘em standing up there tomorrow?”

You nod, “Yup. I think this is more of a celebration dinner with her closest pals, but that’s a little wordy for an invite.”

Nat chuckled, “It’s a little weird, but...so is Wanda.”

“Speak of the devil...” Wanda said approaching your circle of friends.

She hugged everyone, and announced that the buffet was open as was the bar.

“Open bar? Wanda you’re an angel.” Sam joked.

“Oh no, no, no. I can’t drink now or for the foreseeable future, but what I can do is eat. Let go.” Nat joked pushing Sam towards the buffet station.

“Ella, come here.” Wanda pulled you gently towards the side of the room.

“You look gorgeous.” You said. Taking in her stunning off-white gown. A little taste before the big reveal tomorrow night.

“I love you for that, but listen, Bucky just got here and I—“

“Wanda...” you say seriously.

“Ella, will you just listen? He asked me if you were here...”

Your breathing hitched, “And what did you tell him?”

She rolled her eyes, “What the fuck was I supposed to tell him? No? Of course I told him you were here. He’s at the bar with Steve.”

Surprise, surprise. You thought to yourself.

Who does he think he is? Asking if you’re here. As if he has some fucking right to even ask that. More importantly, why does he care?

Shaking your head subtly, you turn your attention back to Wanda.

“Listen to me, this is your night. Stop worrying about everyone else and enjoy your last night as a free woman.” You joked.

She rubbed your shoulder, “I can’t help it. I worry about you.”

Wanda has always had your back. She was there to pick up the pieces when Bucky left you behind. She was the one who let you mope on her couch for damn near a month before you finally slapped some sense into yourself.

“I’m grown up now, Mom,” you chided. “Time to push me out of the nest.”

She sighed, “If you need me at all, you better come find me.”

After a quick nod, and another promise, Wanda went to go mingle with Vis by her side.

The war in your head was waging fiercely. You wanted to avoid him, shield yourself from those painful memories at all cost.

But you also wanted to show him what he’d missed out on. How happy you are, how good you looked, and how much better off you are.

Without him.

You seemed to be walking on eggshells, drifting across the stone floor of the rented-out restaurant. It was only a matter of time until you were noticed.

“Ella! Come here, I got you another shot of Jameson.” Steve’s booming voice called out over the various groups of people.

Fuck, fuck, fuck me. Your internal monologue griped.

You looked to Steve, seeing he was standing alone. “Thank God...” you whisper to yourself.

Steve pulled you to him, placing a hand on the small of your back. The warm sensation made you blush.

“Steve, you know what this stuff does to me.” You chastised playfully.

He nodded, “Indeed I do, and you know what this stuff does to me.” He held up a shot of what you assume is tequila, “So we’ll be in the same boat.”

You shrugged, “As long as we’re in that boat together.”

Steve winked at you, and with that, you both tossed down the shots with ease.

The night went smoothly for a few hours. You had done shots with the bride-to-be, eaten some delicious pasta, and danced the night away with Sam and Steve.

You also had not seen Bucky anywhere.

Maybe he left. Maybe he’d asked Wanda if you were here so he’d know whether to stick around or not. Maybe he truly didn’t wanna see you, or maybe he didn’t have the fucking balls too.

5 Years Earlier:

You’d been trying to get in touch with Bucky all day. You’d gotten the job with Stark Industries and couldn’t wait to share the news with him!

After a third call to his cell left unanswered, you’d figured he was sleeping or playing video games so you decided just to wait until you got home to tell him.

You’d been living together for about a month, and it’s made life so much easier. Bucky made life so much easier.

He was so caring and so kind. He’d make breakfast on Sunday’s, a day you both had off, and he’d never let you leave without a goodbye kiss. He was truly the perfect boyfriend.

Your keys jingled in the lock, only to find it unlocked.

“Buck? Babe?” You called out into the apartment.

Dropping your bag on the bench near the door as usual, you didn’t even bother taking off your shoes as you couldn’t wait to tell him the news.

“Babe? I have the best news! Where are you?” You call out, finally hearing the music playing softly in the bedroom.

You open the door slowly, assuming he’s sleeping. Instead you see Bucky shirtless, resting against the headboard with one arm behind his head.

“Buck?” You call softly.

His eyes spring open at your voice calling out to him, and he stumbles out of the bed. “Ella? What are you—“

“Hey I didn’t find any—who the hell is this?”

All at once, it was as if time stood still.

There was a half-naked woman standing in your bedroom. Her hair was mussed and she walked to stand by Bucky like she’s known him her whole life.

“Who the hell am I? Bitch, you’re in my house! What the fuck is this, James?” You shout.

You’re enraged. Your hurt. It’s evident by the shaking of your body, and the tears forming in your eyes.

“Ella, I can expla—“

“She’s got 3 seconds to get out of my house before I break her fucking jaw.” You spoke to no one in particular, cutting him off.

The blonde grabbed a pile of clothing from the floor and left without another word.

“Ella...” Bucky said walking towards you. He was in just his boxers, a sight that usually made your mouth water, now made you ill.

“Do not fucking touch me.”

He put his hands on his hips, and hung his head low. What could he say? Nothing.

“I didn’t—“

“You didn’t what, James? Hmm?” You ask, your throat pained from holding back tears.

He shifted from foot to foot. “I didn’t think you’d be back this early.”

Wow.

His words dropped onto your heart like a boulder. You felt like you were going to be sick any second.

“Get out.” You seethed.

His eyes got wide, “Please, Doll. Please let me—“

“Get out of my fucking house!” You scream.

When he was gone, what followed was like a scene from a movie. You shredded any remnants of Bucky you could find.

Albums? Snapped in half. Clothes? Destroyed. Photos? Smashed. Anything he’d touched or bought you? Thrown out.

You should have listened. Trusted friends who had your best interests at heart. But no, you let this manipulative son of a bitch into you home, you body, and heart.

The only thing you hadn’t thrown out? His letters.

He’d written you dozens. All claiming he loved you, missed you, wanted to spend the rest of his life with you.

Liar. You thought to yourself.

The memories that flooded your mind made you head start to spin.

Or maybe that was the booze.

After 10, the restaurant had been cleared of tables and turned into a private club with a dance floor.

Only Wanda...

You found Steve next to you, “I’m gonna get some air!” You shout over the music.

Steve nodded, “Want me to go with you?” He asked.

You shook your head, “No, no I’m good. I’ll be right back!”

Weaving in and out of couples and groups, you made your way to the door which led to the private patio.

The cool air kissed your skin, and you relished in the relief. The air was so clean as opposed to the sweaty mess happening inside right now.

You leaned against the railing and looked out over the water. The quiet night helped silence your mind, ironically.

Inhaling deeply, you closed your eyes. Intending to get a few moments of peace, until soft footsteps got your attention.

“I was wondering how long you were gonna avoid me.”

Part Two!

[etraytin]

Quarantine, Day 186-187

September 13-14 It's been a couple of difficult days and I'm pretty tired, so who knows how long I will type tonight. It's funny, sometimes I start to journal and really get on a cathartic roll that makes me feel better, while other times I just pound out enough to let me feel I have done my job in chronicling my life for another day. And it's really hard to tell ahead of time which is going to be which.

Sunday was supposed to be the day when we finished the kiddo's room, but he got very little done even with my help. He melted down a couple of times throughout the day while I was trying to get him to do even a little work on his room, and then again at bedtime when he decided that he hated everything about the new bed and it was terrible. He wound up sleeping on the couch, which made my life more complicated because he did not want any noise or lights when he was sleeping on the couch. At least he did eventually go to sleep, I guess. I ended up snapping at him once when he didn't deserve it and had to apologize, and had to word my apology very carefully inside my head so it didn't come out sounding like "I'm sorry I'm at the end of my rope because you drove me crazy today" because that would be a pretty shitty apology. I think I said something about it being a long day and I was tired but I should not have snapped at him. We were okay then but I was frustrated at myself and the world in general. 

Husband has been having some health issues lately as well, old problems acting up in new ways, worrying both of us and making it hard for him to get peaceful rest. He's seen a couple of doctors but they haven't been particularly responsive so far. My biggest line item for tomorrow is going to be goosing the doctor's office for the referral he needs, just so he can stop worrying! We could all use a few less worries. 

Today we had the kiddo's annual checkup with the doctor, which we started prepping for on Friday. Last year's checkup was a DISASTER because I did not know there was going to be a blood test involved and the kiddo is not on board with needles any time for any reason. Today was better because he got over being upset on Friday and we spent the weekend building up the idea that it was going to be okay. Yesterday we spent some time finding funny Avatar: the Last Airbender meme compilations on YouTube so he would have something distracting to watch on my phone, and discussing how when it comes down to it, kitten claws are probably more painful than a flu shot, which he was also due for today. 

Anyway, the needles today went all right, he did a very good job considering his level of needle anxiety. Anxiety was sort of the theme of the day actually; talking with the doctor about how he's been feeling and what's been going on, and how sometimes it seems so hard just to keep the kiddo on an even keel. The doctor, who is an excellent doctor and takes a lot of time during the annual checkup especially, said that he's heard a whole lot of this going around, and the pandemic has been incredibly hard on kids this year. We talked about everything we're already doing and some new things to try, and we're going to go back in a month. The visit was exhausting, but good I think. We celebrated with a trip to McDonalds, the kiddo's favorite treat. 

Since by the time the appointment was over it was too late for class anyway, we headed straight down to the IKEA in Norfolk to do some room stuff shopping. Kiddo was in a much more rational mood about the new bed today when he wasn't so tired, and I sweetened the deal by helping him pick out some stuff for it. He got sheets for the bed, along with an incredibly fluffy faux-fur pillow that he adores and a string of little lights for the bedrail. We also talked about how we can make the ladder rungs more padded and less ouchy, as well as the possibility of doing what I always did with my loft bed and use other pieces of furniture (chair, dresser) as a step up ladder. Unfortunately, IKEA currently seems to be sold out of basically every kind of large dresser. We were hoping for a six-drawer MALM, but they were out of every color. Five drawer MALMs were gone too, as well as the similarly sized HEMES. They said they've been having a lot of problems with their supplier, and that they hoped to get some in at the end of next week. The tags we looked at on the floor said they were planning on being restocked September 13, which is yesterday, so I'm not super optimistic. Still, if we don't find something this week, I'll probably go back down there. 

Despite this frustration, we were able to successfully get the office chair we badly needed, as well as a large assortment of odds and ends including Lilleplutt III. Lilleplutt is the name of Ikea's small-medium stuffed cat, an ideal fake mama for lonely kittens. Lilleplutt I did yeoman's work with Latte, one of my singleton fosters last year, while Lilleplutt II went into service with a tiny fuzzy feral baby we picked up in the street a couple months ago. Lilleplutt III will likely end up in a similar occupation, though in the meantime she will keep the kiddo company as part of his stuffed toy coterie. The IKEA restaurant was closed, bummer, but I at least took home some lingonberry jam. 

After IKEA we ran across town and did the mystery shop that subsidized the gas for the trip to Norfolk. The kiddo is an old pro at mystery shopping now and is a little bit hilarious when he tries extra hard to be Friendly Local Child. He ended up getting most of our shared milkshake and was happy. There was surprisingly little traffic on the trip home, but after such a long day and a bunch of driving and shopping, I was very stressed out. Especially when Husband called and I realized that 24 cups of water had not been enough for the beans I was trying to slow simmer all day and they were ruined. Ugh, very disappointing! 

But he had Taco Bell for dinner and the kiddo and I were full from shopping, so it was generally not terrible. We put the kiddo's new mattress up on the bed (it arrived in the mail yesterday but needed 24 hours to recover from its travels) and made it up with the new sheets. I put his fan on the old dresser to put it high enough to reach the bed, and we discovered that with the low-slung purpose-bought mattress, not only was there more room to move around, but he can sit on the bed with a couple inches of clearance to the ceiling and has basically no risk of rolling over the bedframe and off the bed. He actually went to sleep in his bed tonight, hurrah! 

I guess this is one of the nights where talking things through was helpful. There's a lot going on and it makes sense to be stressed out, no matter what my brain tries to tell me about being lazy and not doing enough stuff. I'm going to try and take the advice I keep giving the kiddo and get some sleep. Tomorrow is another busy day and I think we'll all need it. 

[pretty-volatile]

Thursday, September 10, 2020 5:53 am

Wow, only 1 month and 7 days first of all til my 5 year anniversary with my partner!!!! WOWOWWWW!! so excited. Very stressed financial wise though because I hope I have more school shit and work shit and money shit figured out by then so we can at least have a special night even if that means spending money to stay indoors but make it romantic n shit. Tbqh I wish I could've proposed this anniversary but I don't have that kind of money for a ring and this pandemic really puts a damper on trying to make it a super romantic and memorable and special thing, ya know? So I guess I'll have to wait a little longer. But we're practically engaged to be engaged so like I'm not stressing XD

I still have to get school shit together. I really need my student loans to survive, bro. It's sad but like woe is me, tis my life rn.

Really need new glasses and FML my glasses prescription expired last month.

Really need to renew my ID.

Dad is still down to get me a new phone (I've had this one for 5 years, pre-college) but i have to transfer all my shit onto a separate SD card bc this phone can't open. It doesn't have a chip but for some godforsaken reason I'm have difficulty even being able to access it on my laptop so I gotta do that too so I can get a new phone.

Probably should get flu shots.

Ah, yes. Mental health. Hmm. Fuck that. Fuck my brain. It's so goddamn complicated. It's like I'm fine and then I'm not. I'm good and then I'm shit. And like it's literally never the same. Idk how to describe it. Things can be familiar, but shit never stays the same. At least not when I want it to. But then it changes again. Ugh. So my symptoms from this summer are way different from last winter and even more different than last summer but it's like on this broken, raggedy, record that plays the same thing but each time it passes there's one instrument that's off-key, and that instrument is my brain. I am off key. My symptoms are the piano keys. They play my disorders and my moods and more often then not it's just keysmashing wobfwondlabdkfndlwnalaxowjfnwpns

Thank you thank you I'm here all week

But yeah I know I should go back to my psychiatrist/therapist, but I'm really nervous and anxious. And my ADHD/executive dysfunction more specifically really fucking sucks and my anxiety and my paranoia, which are like all the more reason to fucks go but they're the reasons I can't go or that I'm scared to. Ugh. That and not knowing wtf I'm even feeling or what I'm experiencing. I can't tell if I'm in a depressive mood, I'm not manic, but I'm not suicidal but I'm not like happy but I guess I'm empty rn but also appreciative of my partner and the time with them. Idk I'm weird.

Also picked up on another fun psychosis thing I do lololol somebody here likes to think things that have absolutely nothing to do with each other, have something to do with each other. Edit: lemme elaborate, I sometimes unintentionally think I caused something to happen or something that I did caused another thing which caused another and thinking that they all have something to do with each other. Please don't feed into my delusion, I know about the butterfly affect and strongly believe in it but sometimes it feeds into thinking I caused something when I absolutely did not. Or that one thing cause another when it in fact did not.

I fucking hate my brain bc how is it that I can have BPD, bipolar w/ psychosis, ADHD, OCD, (C)PTSD, and OSFED but also still heavily HEAVILY relate with fuckn schizo-affective or ASD or PPD, like ha, am I really that fucked up ooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr? It's like either I'm fucked up cause I'm right or I'm fucked up for thinking all this shit, either way I'm fucked hahahahahahahaha hahahahah fjjeicjjwosbfoenwpndkcor

I have a friend with possibly beginning stages of schizo and I heavily relate and we also share some other disorders/symptoms so it's just making me reflect on what I'm experiencing and I just keep going through this cycle of it's not that bad....to...or is it....hmmm....or is it bad enough?

Do I suffer enough?

Am I in pain enough?

Am I drifting away?

Gah, ugh. Fuck.

Fuck my brain.

Edit: Oh yeah and fuck ADHD and bipolar. Okay thanks I'm out

[should-b3-higher]

1 year dope free.

September makes it 1 year clean from heroin.

I can't remember the last time I went that long without dope. Years. When I was actively using I knew I wanted more in life. A partner, kids, a better job. But I didn't know how to get there. Cause honestly all I cared about was getting high. Spent every hard earned penny I made on dope and crack and whatever else. I was lost. I just wanted to numb all the fucking pain! Dope makes you feel like there's no worries in the world. You just melt away and say fuck the world! But it's a false happiness. Deep down it never solved my problems or helped me. I had no friends, my family hardly cared about me. So what was I to do??

Well I moved away. over 200 miles away from my connects and "friends". (They were never really friends, just people who used me to get high with). I was lucky enough to be accepted into my best friend's parent's home for very little rent. So I packed up all my shit, quit my job, and with only a handful of suboxone I left my old habits behind and re started my life.

It wasn't easy AT ALL. I was sick for the first few weeks I was there. I stayed in my new room most of the time, and told them "I must've gotten the flu" but I made it through!

I got a job and kept to myself. Having only 1 friend. Started smoking weed

It got me through.

Things weren't always good though. I slipped up and traveled back to where old habits lived. I did that twice in the first 5 months.

Then I met my now husband. We started dating August 1st 2018. He was a savior to me. He only smoked weed and hated drugs. But he never judged me and always encouraged me to continue on the right path.

I did slip up once since being with him, though.

September 2018: Last time I used dope. I had been with my then boyfriend for just over a month and I was feeling overwhelmed. I was falling in love, and things were going fine. So why did I have such an inclination to go get high? I don't know. But I relapsed. And almost died.

My tolerance was very low after a few months of not touching dope. So I stupidly shot myself up with some white powdery dope and next thing I knew I was out cold on the bathroom floor. My boyfriend witnessed all of this. He cried and told me he doesn't want to find me dead...

And I made a promise to him that day. I wouldn't do this to him again.

And now it's been almost 1 year clean in less than 3 weeks!

Recovery is possible!stay strong, everyone!

[radinaandreeva]

Cold Interview: Year of the Spider - By Therese McKeon (From: ShoutWeb.com)

Scooter Ward is an emotional guy. In fact, as frontmen go, you can't get much more emotional. With "Year of the Spider", the band's third release, you find yourself feeling sad, angry, and even a bit weepy along with the raw-nerved singer. Discovering the diverse layers of Cold's music is as refreshing as it is depressing. The carefully weaving of Scooter's haunting vocals intertwines powerful songs with lyrics that have remarkable substance. Shoutweb hooked up with Cold's leading man for an often teary-eyed discussion of the meaning behind the tracks on "Year of the Spider" and why he pours his heart into his songs.

Kelly Hayes • guitar Scooter Ward • vocals Jeremy Marshall • bass Sam McCandless • drums Terry Balsamo • guitar

Shoutweb: Hey, how are you feeling? I heard you were sick a while back?

Scooter: I had something wrong with my throat. I had to get a shot in there so I could sing.

Shoutweb: Did you have to cancel any dates?

Scooter: We cancelled one actually because of that. It was in Omaha I think. They stick a needle in your throat then they give you something so the pain from sticking the needle in your throat is okay. I was like, "You know what, man? I'm just sleeping tonight."

Shoutweb: You started out in the Boston area with shows. How is the new material live?

Scooter: We've been together for so long and I think everything is getting better. We finally got the right crew and everybody so everything is really good.

Shoutweb: In the past when I've seen you live, I know you were sometimes frustrated with not getting the sound right.

Scooter: We had a major problem with that but we've finally worked everything out now.

Shoutweb: That's awesome. The times I've seen you live, things that may sound fine to me I could tell were not sounding right for you.

Scooter: (with cell phone ringing)

Shoutweb: Do you need to get that?

Scooter: No, that's just Terry. Fuck him. (laughter) Whenever he wakes up, he calls me. I'm always like, "What? Did you need to tell me about your dreams?"

Shoutweb: (laughter) Or "I missed you!"

Scooter: Yeah, right. "I've got coffee over here for you, baby." (laughter) I don't know what to tell him. It's a total waste of time. He thinks something special happened.

Shoutweb: He doesn't want to miss out. (laughter)

Scooter: It's funny though.

Shoutweb: Are you like the Dad of the band? Is everybody always checking in?

Scooter: It seems like that. They all check in with me to see what's happening or what they need to do. But I don't mind.

Shoutweb: Are you militant in that way?

Scooter: I'm not militant in that way but I am in the "get your fuckin' job done" kind of way, you know? I do so much that I think that they feel kind of guilty sometimes. They are always saying, "Well, man, we'll do something." When I give them shit to do, they're really stoked.

Shoutweb: You run a tight ship there. "You gotta step up!"

Scooter: I'm like, "Come on, man. You want to do this? Let's do this."

Shoutweb: You guys haven't been on tour for a while. I know September 11th did not help matters.

Scooter: We toured right up until then. We did a little headlining tour with Flaw and Dope and then we kind of stopped.

Shoutweb: Then the Weezer tour that went sour.

Scooter: The Weezer show was actually on the same day as the September 11th events. We were supposed to start the tour that night. I remember we were all at the hotel down in the lobby watching shit go down that morning. I ate a biscuit and went back to bed. I said, "If shit's going to be going down, I'm going to be dreaming."

Shoutweb: (laughter)

Scooter: (laughter) Fuck it.

Shoutweb: I need to ask you a bunch of things about this record. I don't know if it's because I have the flu right now or what but I literally almost starting crying.

Scooter: Yeah, I think that's what it was made for. I think once people actually get the lyrics that I really sing instead of making them up on the web sites, then they'll know what I'm talking about. I think when they really get them, because the stuff I'm reading is crap. When you read the real thing, it is way worse. That's how we write. I think that's what we need to do. I just feel like we need to do that. It's good therapy for us and for our fans that are so much like us. It's good that they can express the pain through that.

Shoutweb: Are you solely responsible for the lyrics?

Scooter: Yes. The music pretty much tells me what to do.

Shoutweb: Musically, this record is great but lyrically it's even better.

Scooter: Well, I do a lot of the music too. I really work on the music with the band then I kind of separate myself and go to write lyrics. I focus on the music first because it tells us what to write for lyrics.

Shoutweb: Wow, it's amazing. It's all such a foreign process to me.

Scooter: Me too.

Shoutweb: I usually will first listen to a record when I get it and take notes and then I listen to it a few more times. But with this record, just to enjoy it is such a pleasure.

Scooter: Well, thank you very much.

Shoutweb: It's strange because it is still very depressing and emotional but it is refreshing at the same time.

Scooter: It was really opening up. This is a really personal record. Like I was saying, we've written records before and I've written records that are just story telling a lot. I draw those emotions from me and the band and I just went off farther and kind of developed stories for them. But on this record, it's pretty much really about our lives and really about what we're going through. If I start crying during this interview, because I do that all the time when I start talking about this.

Shoutweb: Are you serious?

Scooter: Yeah.

Shoutweb: You're going to make me cry too. Well, this is what I wrote down about the whole record in my notes. You cannot sing these words and have them ring true, unless these things have happened to you. Now, I didn't mean it to rhyme but basically there you go. That was the feeling that it left me with. This is just too much.

Scooter: It was kind of like that when we were making the record and I was writing the lyrics in Hawaii because I can't write in Los Angeles.

Shoutweb: Really? You can't?

Scooter: Yeah, I don't know why. It's really weird. There's something in the air. We can do music in Los Angeles but I can't write the lyrics in Los Angeles. I don't get it. What happens is, I would come in and write these songs and they would be totally different topics of what they are now. I spoke to Howard Benson before I did this record and I was like, "Dude, I'm gonna make you cry by the time I bring the song in because I want you to understand. I want you to really feel this with me. Because if you can't, then you can't produce this record." I would bring the songs in and he would tell me, "Man, it's almost there but it's not yet." He'd tell me, "I feel that but I don't feel that." What that did to me is just made me open up more. I knew when I was done. I came in there like, "All right mother fucker, this is it. You're going to love this." When I started playing it for him, he'd say, "Dude, it's over. Go ahead." He pushed me a lot so that was cool. I thank him for doing that because nobody's ever done that before. A lot of other producers will just let the band do what they do. They'll say, "Great! Sounds good!" They don't really discipline the vocals or the lyrics because they don't want to get the singer mad. Howard was saying, "Dude, you just told me what you wanted to do with this record. If you actually want to do this then you have to take my advice and you have to listen." His criticism was good.

Shoutweb: I watched the "Stupid Girl" video. You guys look cold!

Scooter: Initially, we wanted to play on a frozen river. They wouldn't let us do it because of the liability of having all the kids on black ice. We had to do it at an elementary school but we still did it where it was freezing. It was cold. We didn't want any Hollywood manufactured cold. If we were going to do it, we wanted to freeze just like everybody else.

Shoutweb: (laughter) But you are Cold so that works on many levels.

Scooter: Right. It seems to follow us. The first six dates of this tour were freezing.

Shoutweb: So, Rivers is guesting on that song?

Scooter: Yeah, I think he's on the pre-chorus. He actually did the first verse initially when he sent it to me. I was on the second verse because "wanna love ya, wanna bug ya"... I don't know but I kind of had a problem with singing that because that's really Rivers. The second verse, I could deal with.

Shoutweb: How did his involvement come about?

Scooter: I had written a Weezer riff in the studio and it sounded like a Weezer song. I couldn't come up with anything for the verses. I had the chorus but every time I played the chorus I heard Rivers voice in there freaking me out. I said, "I am going to send the music to someone who maybe could tell him." So, we went out to dinner a couple of times while we were making the record. He came to our house for parties and stuff. I was like, "Hey, man, you gotta hear this song." Finally, two weeks before the record was done I sent him the track and a week later he sent me back the "Stupid Girl" verses. I was stoked. I was like, "Let's do it." After hearing me sing on the second verse, he wanted me to sing the first verse too. He really likes my vocals a lot and told me that he would feel embarrassed having his own spot. We kind of fought about that for a minute but he won in the end.

Shoutweb: I'd really like to spend some time going through these songs. I don't want a record like this to get shoved in there with all the other records out there.

Scooter: That's cool. That's pretty much impossible for it to get lost.

Shoutweb: It's just a beautiful piece of work.

Scooter: When we play the live shows now, and when people listen to the record. I mean, this is our third record and, even on previous tours where people have heard our record before, there is just no feeling like there is now. When we play live, I have such a different feeling. It feels perfect. This is finally what we wanted to do. It has just that much emotion that we wanted to put out. I think it's undeniable. I really don't think that anybody can say that it's a bad record. If they do, I will be like, "I don't know what you're listening to right now, bro." I don't get it.

Shoutweb: By the time I got to tracks eight and nine, forget about it. I hit "Rain Song" and I just lost it. But let's not jump ahead. "Remedy", to me, has almost a punk rock vibe.

Scooter: With "Remedy" we used the old Cold vibe, like off the first record, the song "Give". We kind of wrote the music around that. One thing with the records we make, we always do it for us but we also do it for our fans. We don't want to feel like we're short-changing them. All of these bands seem to totally change their format like Korn and other bands bringing in crazy beats and rappers and weird stuff. We're going to have songs that are mainstream on this record. Our music has developed and that's just going to happen but at the same time we wanted to incorporate elements of the first two records. We didn't want to get pigeonholed by people saying that we totally changed and sound totally different. Because it's not. It's the same, just better.

Shoutweb: There is this drum/bass thing going on that I love. What are the lyrics about?

Scooter: Lyrically, it's about wanting to be an individual. Throughout my life, I've always had people... I'm not the best person in the world and I have my mistakes just like anyone else. It's just about other people. When you make a mistake or you do something or sometimes you're not sure if it's a mistake or not. You're saying to yourself, "Am I wrong or is this my life?" I've valued people's opinions all my life but I really don't give a fuck. It's about being an individual and about saying, "I'm doing this on my own and if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out."

Shoutweb: "Suffocate" has a female vocal on it.

Scooter: That's Sierra Swan. She was on our second record "13 Ways To Bleed On Stage". She was on a song called "Witch" and "No One". She's just a really good friend of mine. She's been a friend of mine for the last seven years. I saw her play a little club in L.A. and she sounded like Susie Sue to me. I just fell in love with her. I was just like, "Dude, you have to sing with me." She is like the sixth member of our band. Actually, she got signed on Atlantic Records and she's working with The Neptunes right now. She's supposed to have a record coming out in the Fall.

Shoutweb: "Suffocate" seems pretty straightforward.

Scooter: That is one of the most straightforward songs. It's about a relationship where you feel smothered and suffocated. Sometimes when you're in a position like I am, you have people who will be your friend or try to be your friend just because of what you're doing. You lie and you fake. I'm just kind of going, "Fuck, I really thought that you were sincere and that you were trying to be cool. In the end, it's to benefit you." I guess I'm going to run across those people my whole life. I write songs about them so I it's all right.

Shoutweb: Good therapy.

Scooter: I always figured that I could read people really well. I did a good job for a while. At a certain point, there are a lot of people and you're judgment gets a little clouded as to who these people are and what they want to be in your life. Your filters aren't out and you let a lot of people in and weed out the bad ones.

Shoutweb: Even good people turn ugly. It's like "The Lord of the Rings" when you get obsessed with the ring "my precious".

Scooter: Exactly.

Shoutweb: "Cure My Tragedy (A Letter to God)" is definitely powerful.

Scooter: When I was going to write this record, my sister was dying of cancer. (pause) It started in her ovaries and then went into her brain. It started taking over her body.

Shoutweb: I'm sorry to hear that.

Scooter: The hardest thing for me was to be away from her. She's my little sister. She's 27 so she's not little but she'll always be my little sister. It was really hard to be away from her because I've been there trying to protect her my whole life. When something like this happens, there is nothing you can do except for hope. I was away doing the record and I really wanted to be there for her and be with her through the chemo and stuff. She would call and be crying and be all upset about it. It was really hard for me to be on the other side of the country. Making a record really meant nothing to me at that point. I was like, "This is crap. I gotta be home with my sister." She was like, "You can't do that. It means a lot to me. Just write a song for me." (long pause) And I did. It's kind of like a letter to God saying, "If you made the world a stage for me then..." (pause) What kind of happened was amazing. Right when the record was done, and I gave her the song, it left her brain and it's clearing up now so it's kind of amazing.

Shoutweb: Oh my goodness. The power of prayer, even in a song.

Scooter: Yeah, it's weird. Now the next time you hear that song, it will have a totally different meaning.

Shoutweb: Thank you for sharing that.

Scooter: I have to do this. I checked with everybody that I was writing these songs about and I was like, "It might be painful for me to bring this stuff up and write songs about it."

Shoutweb: "Stupid Girl" is more of a lighter theme.

Scooter: "Stupid Girl" was a chance for me to breathe kind of. I was like, "Rivers, thank you!" I don't have to fuckin' cry or think about the dark side of everything on this song. When he sent me those lyrics, the second verse still sounds like a Cold verse to me and the chorus definitely does so it's still Cold in a lot of ways. I detach myself from it because he did the verses so it definitely means something to me but not as much as the other ones. I don't know what his version of "Stupid Girl" is but I think I have a version. My version of it and what I see through it is that you could just be a total piece of trash and at the same time, you don't know that you are. You have this person that's going to leave you and you don't have any idea why. A lot of people are blind to the fact that they are idiots.

Shoutweb: (laughter) Funny.

Scooter: (laughter) You know? I don't know. It's going to be funny because I'm sure a lot of people are going to hear the "Stupid Girl" hook and say, "Hey, it's about a stupid girl." But not really. It's about a stupid man, that doesn't know he's stupid.

Shoutweb: "Don't Belong" has that light, squeaky guitar.

Scooter: "Don't Belong" was pretty much about me growing up. I was always a little odd compared to other people and really quiet. I have people come up to me and them saying, "He's such an asshole because he doesn't talk" or "We see him out and he just sits there." Well, I don't know what to say to you. I don't know what to do to you to make you think and make you understand that I'm all right. It's about everybody's pre-conceptions about me or certain things that have happened to us. It's just feeling like we don't belong. I don't even go out to clubs anymore or anything because when I do I feel like an idiot. I have drunk people coming up to me saying crazy shit. I just don't feel like I belong there. It's the same thing when I go to L.A. I just don't feel like I belong with those kinds of people. It's so fake and so untrue. I'm trying to be as true as I can to people. For them to be sitting there with me at the same table and be affiliated with me kind of freaks me out. I usually say, "Well, this is the business part of it. I'm just going to have to deal with these people to do what I want to do with this music in order to put it out." I think it's just about not feeling that I'm a part of what they think I'm a part of.

Shoutweb: "Wasted Years" has a lot layered vocals, which come across very powerful to me.

Scooter: "Wasted Years" is pretty much. I've had a lot of problems with alcohol and drugs at times in my life. I was ashamed of myself at points. I've always been the guy who knows that he has problems. Nobody ever had to tell me, "Man, I think you've got a problem." I would wake up the next morning and say, "Man, I've got a fuckin' problem!" I know that I was fucked up. I always tried to fix myself but I'd always fall back sooner or later and go right back to the same bullshit that I was doing before. I feel like I've wasted so much time in my life by doing that. It's amazing because I'll probably still fall back again. I think that's actually part of who I am so I don't know if I care if I do. Hopefully, one day I'll be better but I don't know. It's really about my personal life and just how I feel about me. "Betraying life was the life I betrayed with the shape that I'm in." It's hard. It's not easy to win. I think that maybe things would have been better if I would have been more focused and sober and blah, blah, blah but... that didn't happen. What's the condition I'm in now because of what I've done?

Shoutweb: Do you have any regrets?

Scooter: The regrets that I have are people that I may have hurt in the period of time that it was happening. That's probably it. The people that I probably have affected throughout that time.

Shoutweb: Tell me about "Whatever You Became".

Scooter: "Whatever You Became" is about whenever we tour on the road. We meet all these people. It's cool and a lot of them are like friends. They're not really like fans. I don't think of them as fans. I think of them as like a family thing.

Shoutweb: A lot of those friends are complaining because they were putting live MP3s on the web site and they got banned from the boards.

Scooter: Really? They were putting live MP3s out?

Shoutweb: Yeah, I was asking people if they had any questions for you and they said, "Ask him what he thinks about them banning us from the boards!" It was the new material.

Scooter: I think that's pretty cool to put those out there as long as they're live versions. That is unless the sound is total shit. They may have heard the sound quality and said fuck that. I didn't know about that. What was I saying?

Shoutweb: You were telling me about "Whatever You Became".

Scooter: Oh, yeah. We meet these friends and we become friends with them over the years and we leave them the next night. It's like seeing your family for a quick visit and then you have to jet. You never know what happens to these people or if you'll ever see them again. I think I take everything too personally. I love everybody too much. And I really care about how they feel and how they're dealing with what they're going through. It's just kind of strange.

Shoutweb: You have a big heart.

Scooter: I know. It's a curse.

Shoutweb: Some people say that artists in general feel more deeply than other people. They have those extra sensors that are out there all the time. They either block everything out and become very introverted or they absorb everybody else's problems and emotions.

Scooter: I almost wanted to do that for a minute. And then I was like, "Why would I do that?" Let's be the first rock band that actually makes everybody feel welcome and everybody feel like they're really a part of something instead of coming to see some guy on stage and wondering. Because when I was a kid, rock stars were unapproachable. They were kind of in mystery land. They appeared, played, and then went back to heaven or something. With this new record and the way we're doing this, I was like, "You know what? Why don't we be the first rock band that can really be there for our fans and really do this?" Because they're the most important thing to us besides the music and I don't want to fuck up either one of those things. I know that might be a lot to have on our plate but I have nothing else to do on my schedule today.

Shoutweb: (laughter) That's funny. "Can You Feel" is that changed?

Scooter: "Can You Feel" is actually called "Sad Happy". I changed the name. It's about this girl that followed around a little bit on the tour. She was by herself and she was really scaring me because she was getting rides from truck drivers and shit. She was offering favors to them and stuff. It was really scary. After a couple of shows I said, "Sweetheart, what are you doing? What's going on?" She said, "Well, I have to follow you." And blah, blah, blah. She started telling me her story and she told me that her father had molested her. (pause) And he had been raping her for her whole life. She was doing anything to follow us around. I told her, "You're 18 years old now and I don't know if that's cool to bring somebody out with us. I wish you could get focused. If you need help, I'll give it to you." I had given her some money to start out and get an apartment and maybe help her land a job. I kind of looked out for her but at the same time it was really emotional for me to deal with that and her going through that. I was feeling that I was the guy that was supposed to make everything better. I tried. I guess I did kind of do that because she's better now and she's away from him. In the song, I had written about her getting revenge on him. She burns him in a fire. (long pause) It's hard to re-hash that kind of shit.

Shoutweb: Those lyrics - wow! They mean a lot already but when you know the story that goes with it. "I will be strong, I will sing." That's about when I lost it.

Scooter: It happens. And then the "Can you feel" part in the bridge. That's probably definitely where it got to you. I was like, "Can she even feel anymore?" Because I would be numb if something happened to me like that. I was screaming, "Can she feel?"

Shoutweb: We got it easy.

Scooter: I had a great family. I really had a great, great family. It really freaks me out when people tell me stories because I know the things that happen. My pain comes from friends on drugs and fuckin' my whole life and just things around me. Definitely my family was always there to support me even though a lot of times I didn't want them to because I was so fucked up. I was the cool kid and I wouldn't take it from them or I always thought they were wrong or talking shit. I was like, "Whatever! You guys don't know what you're talking about. I'll figure this out." But obviously now, you understand that they were right.

Shoutweb: "Rain Song" has a violin sound in there. Is that what that is?

Scooter: Actually, it's keyboards. We just put it in there. Howard helped us find a good sound and we just used that. "Wasted Years" actually has thirteen violinists on it. It's the real deal but on "Rain Song" we just kind of through some keyboards in there. I'm a big Cure fan and I always incorporate that stuff into the music a little bit. I thought it was a little cooler in there.

Shoutweb: What is "Rain Song" about? Scooter: "Rain Song" is about... Actually it's weird because from my condo I can see it. It's about a block away where it happened from my balcony. When I had just gotten out of high school, my friend Jack and Becky had moved in together. They had gotten fucked up one night and when they went to bed an electrical outlet shorted or something and caught their curtains on fire. They had gotten burned alive. (pause) I was at my parents house sleeping and I remember that it was pouring down rain that morning. The phone rang and my Mom was like, "Oh my God." I knew it. I knew something had happened to one of my friends again. She came in and told me that Jack and Becky were in the hospital in the intensive care unit and that their bodies were burned and they don't think they're going to make it. I just remember the rain pouring down that rain and every time it rains, I think about her. (crying... again)

Shoutweb: So, there is no having to dig deep for these lyrics or themes. These are right on the surface for you. Raw.

Scooter: No. And after I tell you the story and you hear the song again, you'll definitely feel it too.

Shoutweb: So, no wonder Hawaii is a good place for you to write. It rains every day there.

Scooter: Actually, it's been raining a lot lately. It rained here this morning. Maybe I'll move somewhere that it doesn't rain.

Shoutweb: Speaking of rain, the next song is "Kurt". I am assuming that is about Kurt Cobain.

Scooter: That song is actually called "The Day Seattle Died". And it really wasn't for just Kurt. It was for Layne Staley actually. We were touring with Jerry Cantrell on the first record and we went to Seattle to play a Halloween show. Sean Kenny was with us and we wanted to meet Layne Staley because he was my idol. He was such a sick man at that point. They were like, "Man, he doesn't come out of his house." They finally got him to come out and get dressed up because it was Halloween. He got in a little costume and snuck in up there and nobody knew who he was. He sat down with me and hung out. It was amazing but at the same time, it was heartbreaking to see my idol looking like an 80-year-old man. It was really weird. It was the same thing with Kurt. I was driving home from work one day in Atlanta and I heard the news and I had to pull off the road. It hurt my heart. I'm just kind of talking about the impact that they had on everybody and the music industry and people's lives. When I sing, "We could all feel the shotgun hit the floor" I mean that because when I heard that I could totally just see it. I was just thinking, "That's not cool. What the hell just happened here?"

Shoutweb: Oh, I thought you were saying, "We could all feel the shock when you hit the floor."

Scooter: No, it's "We could all feel the shotgun hit the floor. Never mind the faith if you can't believe."

Shoutweb: I can hear that Seattle sound in that song.

Scooter: That's a big influence on us so I think that always rings true a little somewhere in our songs.

Shoutweb: So what about "Change The World"? It's not the "End of the World."

Scooter: We're always doing something with the world in a Cold record. "Change The World", okay, it's better now. (takes a deep breath) It's about affecting people's lives and not being able to deliver. Some times people expect so much from you and you're going, "Hold on a second." I never wanted to change the world. Everything's cool and everything's good but what did you expect me to do actually? Some times they expect too much from you and it's a little shocking. I try to be there for them as much as I can but some times I can't.

Shoutweb: Do you feel burdened?

Scooter: I don't feel burdened. When I have a lot of problems going on personally in my life and when I get everything else dumped on me too, it is a little heavy. You're like, "Hold on a second. I can't take much more." At the same time, I'm saying, "Wait a second. This is what you set out to do and this is what you wanted to do. Don't be a chump." I try to be strong for a lot of people but I am very weak inside, you know?

Shoutweb: What is "Black Sunday" about?

Scooter: "Black Sunday" is about my girlfriend, a few years ago. She was in a relationship and got married and had a little baby. Two weeks after the baby was born, it died in the crib.

Shoutweb: My Lord.

Scooter: I am with her through all this pain. I know what she goes through. It's really hard to take sometimes. I don't know what to do when things come up with babies and stuff like that. It's amazing and I just can't understand how a human being can handle it. I have a little girl and if anything ever happened to her, I don't what I would do. So, this is just a song for her. The whole time when people tell me these things, I talk to them about it but I guess I don't let them know that I really understand. I just try to give them positive vibes and solve the problem. I just say, "We can do this or that and hopefully everything will be better." The whole time knowing that it's really not going to be better but I'm trying to make it more positive. This was a song to her to let her know that I really understood what is going on. All those nights that she cried and all those nights that she talked about it, that I really, really understood where she was coming from.

Shoutweb: So, I guess you might call this a personal record!

Scooter: Definitely. There are not a lot of personal albums out there right now. I think it's a lot better than listening to a song about going to high school and getting a girlfriend.

Shoutweb: "Kill The Music Industry" is interesting.

Scooter: "Kill The Music Industry", now that's a good one! (laughter)

Shoutweb: (laughter) The machine gun noises are amusing only because of the title of the song.

Scooter: Actually, when we let the record company hear it, that was really funny because we were in the studio and they listened to it. I just looked at the look on their faces and said, "What do you think about that?" They said, "That is really fuckin' something buddy." I said, "It's not targeting you guys, you people sitting in this room. I'm just trying to target the whole music industry as a whole." The music industry says, "Well, this is what's hot right now. Let's shove it down everybody's throat." What they're shoving down people's throats and for the past year I can't stand. Everything is so monotonous and boring and unfeeling. When we write songs and when I write lyrics, if I don't get that chill down my spine then I don't think to put a song out like that. If it doesn't do anything for you then why would you want to share that with the world? But a lot of bands just fuckin' re-hash bullshit and good for them because some are very successful at it. I just think it's crap. I don't blame the bands because they're just doing it and maybe that's all they know how to write about. I blame the music industry because they force it on me. Some of the lyrics are, "They think they've changed your faith. They've gone too far. They mame the way you see. They think they'll can your life and control your mind but they can't relate to real life."

Shoutweb: And I know exactly what you're talking about.

Scooter: You know. If you know any big wigs in the music industry then you know what I'm talking about.

Shoutweb: Who is that singing in the background on that?

Scooter: We had a party. We had the guys from AM Radio, which is Rivers from Weezer's new band. We had the guys from Adema come out. They were all working in the same studio too so we just had a big party so they were all out there. A new band out of Jacksonville called Burn Season was there. Sierra Swan and her whole crew were there. We just got a bunch of people together and had a good time. We had fun doing that song in the studio. It's actually on the DVD. You can see it when it comes out. It's pretty funny.

Shoutweb: When does that come out?

Scooter: We have a DVD that's coming out with the CD. It's from the beginning of "Year of the Spider" to right now. You get to see the making of the "Stupid Girl" video and all that. The two weeks of shows we did. It's really cool but it's sad too. I didn't want another DVD out there where it's just like bands partying. We really don't party that much. We're more about the emotions and the music so I said, "Why don't we make an emotional DVD to go along with the emotional record?" So, everybody feels this too.

Shoutweb: Wow, that's awesome.

Scooter: Well, we have to do these things now. We have to sell CDs.

Shoutweb: Kids were asking about the artwork and the Chinese symbol. Is that the symbol for spider?

Scooter: No, that's the symbol for Cold. When we started this thing with the spider, it was kind of amazing because we didn't know that two thousand kids were going to go get it tattooed on there bodies. All these people have the Cold tattoo now. So, we said, let's do something new. So now there is a new tattoo out. So we all got the new tattoo for the "Year of the Spider" record. It's a way to be in touch with your fans and have something to share with them.

Shoutweb: You had fans sending in pictures of their tattoos for a possible cover?

Scooter: It never said it was going on the cover. Sometimes thirteen-year-old kids think that they understand what I was writing on there. I never said the cover but I always said it would be on the album. When you open it up, the two sleeves are the tattoo photos.

Shoutweb: I wanted to answer some questions from fans. What is the song "Serial Killer" about?

Scooter: I was trying to put myself in a child's place. I tried to feel what it would be like to be abducted by a serial killer, get away, and then look for him later in life or see him later in life and bring back all that emotion that happened when I was a kid. It was a story something like that.

Shoutweb: Some kids love to hear the old songs.

Scooter: We've played those songs so many times live. You just kind of get bored. With the new record and every time we make a new record, we always love the new stuff and we want to play that more. We'll always throw in songs off the old record but we would throw the singles off more because that's the way the business is. Until we have a big headlining tour, we only have 45 minutes to get it all in. We always want to put out the best songs and most emotional songs that we feel we have right now instead of going back seven years.

Shoutweb: "Year of the Spider" was a title you guys chose a while ago.

Scooter: After we made the record, we were thinking about what to call it. I said, "Dude, we're going to call it the year of the fuckin' spider because all of our friends have surpassed us and done great. I think we've made a record that is just as good if not better than all of theirs. I said, "Let's call is Year of the Spider because this is going to be it."

Shoutweb: What's happening touring wise?

Scooter: We're bringing Finger Eleven out with us because they're good friends of ours. Their music is really emotional too. We do 22 shows with Staind.

Shoutweb: Thank you for spending so much time with me.

Scooter: You're welcome. Thanks and take care.

http://www.geocities.ws/sadhappysite/interview3.html

[thatishogwash]

Over Before it had Even Started

KuroDai Weekend 2018

August 31 - Day One - Getting sick / Injured

September 1 - Day Two - Affection / Dates

September 2 - Day Three - Travel

AO3

Kuroo was not sure how he ended up in this particular situation.  He knew most of the factors.  He had injured his elbow by slipping on the ice and landing on it, not by playing volleyball which he did on a national level.  He had travelled to Sendai because they had the best doctor who could perform his surgery within the timeframe he needed it, and had made plans with Bokuto to come stay with him in the little house Kuroo was renting while he recovered and had to attend several checkups after his surgery.  It had all been planned out and he had even put a reminder in Bokuto’s phone so the other man wouldn’t forget.  They had texted before Kuroo’s surgery and Bokuto had made it sound like he was heading to the trainstation soon.

Yet now Kuroo was fully dressed while the doctor addressed him and the other person in the room, though mostly he was talking to the other person because any type of strong medication messed with Kuroo for hours.  Kuroo turned to Sawamura Daichi, Sawamura Daichi of all people was in his hospital room while Kuroo sat on the bed with his bare feet hovering above the cold linoleum floor, wondering how Sawamura Daichi was there and if the pain medication had been a little stronger than he thought.

“I’ll be seeing you in a week Kuroo.”  The doctor said to which Kuroo nodded at before turning his attention to Sawamura, who was looking over some of the paperwork the doctor had given him.

“Sawamura?”  Kuroo asked, voice scratchy but it got Sawamura’s attention.

“Do you need some water?”  Sawamura asked, already grabbing a small bottle off the little table by the bed.  He unscrewed the cap before holding it out for Kuroo, who looked down at it then at the socks in his hands.  “How about we trade?”  Sawamura eased the socks out of Kuroo’s hands before carefully placing the water bottle in his hand.

Kuroo was glad he paused before taking a sip because Sawamura was suddenly kneeling down and putting Kuroo’s socks on his face.  Kuroo didn’t know how to react to that and before he could come to some consensus in his mind, Sawamura was already done and Kuroo’s feet were already feeling warmer.

“Thank you.”  Kuroo said because his mother had taught him manners and he was quite sure if he had tried to lean down to put the socks on he would have fallen off the bed.  “Sawamura?”  Kuroo questioned again, raising the water bottle to his lips and taking a quick sip that felt refreshing and stinging at the same time.

“Bokuto called me, his sister has the flu and he’s watching his nephews so they don’t get sick while she recovers.”  Sawamura spoke carefully, as if he had already told Kuroo this, which maybe he did.

“Oh.”  Kuroo forced himself to look away from the warm chocolate eyes he might have written songs about when he was young and was stupid enough to believe he could actually write songs.  He couldn’t, he always cheated and tended to rhyme the next sentence with the same word from before.  Also he only learned three cords on the guitar and his singing voice has been compared to that of a dying cat.

“I know, I’m the one who told you that you sound like a dying cat.”  Sawamura said with a grin and Kuroo thought maybe Sawamura could read minds but then came to the more likely conclusion that he had said all of that outloud.

“I’m sorry.”  Kuroo went to rub his face but cringed when something hurt.  Sawamura stepped close to adjust Kuroo’s sling, which he just realized he was wearing.  Kuroo didn’t even know Bokuto kept in contact with Sawamura.  “If you can take me home I should be fine from there.”

“We’ll see about that.”  Sawamura smiled and it was so unfair.  Kuroo was often told he looked like he was plotting something nefarious when he smiled but Sawamura was clearly plotting something and yet his smile looked like that of an angels.  “Thank you.”

“Oh god.”  Kuroo groaned when he realized he had spoken out loud again.  So caught up in his own misery he nearly missed the blush on Sawamura’s face, nearly being the keyword.  It had been a while since Kuroo had made Sawamura blush, not since they were in college together.  He had forgotten how well it looked against Sawamura’s tan skin.

“Let’s get you home.”  Sawamura offered, bending down once more to put Kuroo’s shoes on.  Kuroo was a little embarrassed they were his ratty old converse, he would have chosen some nicer clothes if he had known Sawamura was coming to pick him up.

No, Kuroo mentally shook himself out of that train of thought.  He couldn’t think about Sawamura that way, he thought he had broken himself of that bad habit a long time ago.  He allowed himself some leeway since he was still a little drugged and exhaustion was riding him hard despite the fact that he just woke up.

Kuroo had harbored something akin to a crush on Sawamura in high school and college, Kuroo had the idea that anyone who knew Sawamura developed a crush on the guy.  He was practically impossible not to like and everyone knew they could depend on him if they needed him.  Kuroo had lost track of how many times he had leaned on Sawamura during their two years at university together.

But then Sawamura had to leave Tokyo to help his mom take care of his twin siblings when their father got sick and Kuroo had been recruited to the national volleyball team.  Kuroo had never confessed because their paths seemed to diverge so completely from each other, plus Kuroo loved being friends with Sawamura.  He enjoyed the late night texts, the little reminders Sawamura sent to him throughout the day to eat a proper meal or to shower and not just go directly to bed.  He was worried all of that would end if he confessed and Sawamura didn’t end up feeling the same way.

Kuroo wasn’t sure how exactly it happened, he tried not to ask any questions involving it, but his teammate Oikawa ended up dating Sawamura.  That didn’t exactly feel the best but despite how much everyone teased Oikawa about being a playboy and having nothing but volleyball on the brain, he was an attentive boyfriend.  He was genuinely thoughtful and he remembered all the important dates, he sent postcards from where ever the team was sent and he always sent a goodmorning and goodnight text no matter how hectic his day was.  They were good together and Kuroo worked on feeling happy for the both of them.

They dated for three years and their breakup was a surprise to most.  Oikawa had always told everyone that they just grew apart but one night after they had gotten drunk after the summer olympics Oikawa had revealed that he thought there was someone else.  Kuroo couldn’t believe Sawamura would cheat on anyone, especially not someone he so clearly loved.  Kuroo regretted never asking after Sawamura, allowing the friendship to fade despite the fact that it had meant so much to him.

Kuroo reaches down with the arm not in a sling and lightly grabs the back of Sawamura’s sweater as he follows the other man out of the hospital room.  Sawamura shoots a curious look back at him but doesn’t say anything as they walk to the nurses station and Sawamura helps Kuroo sign out.

“You had to drive all the way here?”  Kuroo asked as Sawamura led him to a little blue car.  Sawamura looked confused before realization came over his features.

“I moved to Sendai a year ago.”  Sawamura helped Kuroo into the passenger seat, leaning over him to help buckle him in.  Kuroo held perfectly still, even held his breath and then silently berated himself for acting like a teenager.  But was it his fault Sawamura had gotten even better looking over the years?  Where was the thinning hairline and protruding gut?

“Really?”  Kuroo asked, shifting slightly in his seat when Sawamura settled into the driver's seat.  “How’s your dad?”  He asked hesitantly but Sawamura shot him a smile.

“A lot better, he’s the one who encouraged me to take the job here.”  Sawamura kept his eyes on the road as he started to drive.  To help out his family while his dad was recovering Sawamura had taken a job in construction  “I’m actually taking night classes to complete my degree.”  Sawamura admitted with a shy smile that made Kuroo’s heart flop around in his chest.

“That’s great!”  Kuroo grinned with real enthusiasm.  “I always thought you’d make the best doctor.”

“It’s just physical therapy.”  Sawamura corrected Kuroo, who snorted as he leaned back in the seat, enjoying the fact that he could look at Sawamura all he wanted and it not be inappropriate.

“Speaking as someone who will be doing physical therapy so I can continue my career which I very much love, it’s important work.”  Kuroo stated, grinning when Sawamura nodded in agreement, his shoulders losing the tension in them.  “How are the twins?”  Kuroo asked because he knew that would get Sawamura going.  He loved talking about his family and he was extremely proud of his twin siblings.

Kuroo wasn’t sure when he fell asleep, he had been listening to the deep rasp of Sawamura’s voice while his eyes followed along the cut of his jaw and the light smattering of freckles that showed up whenever Sawamura spent a substantial amount of time out in the sun.  Then Sawamura was suddenly standing in the open door next to him, leaning over once more to unbuckle Kuroo and help him out of the car.

“Sorry.”  Kuroo mumbled because he felt rude for falling asleep on Sawamura, but the other man only laughed as he looked up at Kuroo.   Kuroo felt his traitorous heart pound quicker in his chest because he had forgotten how much taller he was compared to Sawamura.  It was an easy thing to forget when he was surrounded by other volleyball players who were often times as tall or even taller than him.

“Let’s get you to bed.”  Kuroo’s mind went directly in the gutter for that one but he resisted saying anything out loud and allowed Sawamura to lead him into his temporary home.  He worried for a moment about mess before remembering he had only just stopped by earlier that day to drop off his luggage before heading to the hospital.

The house Kuroo was renting was fairly new and completely barren.  There was a coffee table, couch, and a rolled up futon and that was about it for furniture.  Kuroo would have felt more embarrassed if he wasn’t so tired.  Sawamura left Kuroo on the couch before going to the kitchen.

“You don’t have to do anything else, you’ve done enough.”  Kuroo said through a particularly loud yawn that cracked his jaw.  Sawamura stepped around the couch and stood in front of Kuroo.

“You don’t have any food and the doctor said you need to take your meds with food.”  Sawamura cupped Kuroo’s face and it was only then he realized he was listing heavily to one side.  Sawamura adjusted Kuroo so he would lay down on his good arm.  “The pain meds won’t be as good as what they gave you in the hospital but you’ll want them in a couple hours.”  Kuroo knew Sawamura was probably right but it didn’t stop Kuroo from feeling guilty.

“I’ll order takeout.”  Kuroo tried once more, though he didn’t really want Sawamura to leave.  It had been years since they had last seen each other and Kuroo didn’t want to guilt Sawamura into taking care of him.

“If that’s what you want.”  Sawamura said, bringing over a blanket he had found by the futon and laying it over Kuroo, who cuddled down into it.  It wasn’t what he wanted but Sawamura didn’t owe him anything, if anything Sawamura should be mad at Kuroo for picking sides after the break up.

“I’m sorry.”  Kuroo mumbled once more even as he felt his conscious fading.

----------------

Kuroo woke up to noise coming from behind him.  He felt himself panic for a moment as he woke up in an unfamiliar setting, his entire body felt sore, and his arm was throbbing in pain.  He pushed himself up into a seated position and turned to see Sawamura pulling white containers out of a large brown bag.  Sawamura looked over and there was clear sympathy on his face.

“Hurting?”  Sawamura asked and Kuroo nodded because he didn’t quite trust himself to speak.  “I got takeout like you wanted, you can take the antibiotics with your food but you have to wait to take the pain meds until after you eat.”  He instructed and Kuroo nodded once more.  He felt his eyes burn slightly and he told himself it was just because they were dry or he was really feeling the pain in his arm now but he knew it was because he thought Sawamura would leave and they would go back to being strangers once more.

Sawamura settled beside Kuroo, carefully placing a tray over Kuroo’s legs before he set up a laptop.  Some sort of Jurassic Park rip-off started playing and Kuroo felt himself smile despite how terrible he was feeling.

“I knew you liked these movies.”  Kuroo teased him as he started to eat, thankful that he was ambidextrous and could use his non-dominant hand to hold the chopsticks with.  He wasn’t quite sure his heart could take Sawamura having to feed him.

“I downloaded it because I knew you’d like it.”  Sawamura stated, shovelling food into his mouth with the same amount of gusto he had at 18.  Kuroo tried not to choke on the bite of rice as he finally realized Sawamura was around for the long haul.  Once Sawamura Daichi put his mind to something he never backed down and he had promised Bokuto that he would look after Kuroo.

Kuroo took both his pills before settling against Sawamura to fully watch the movie.

“Is this okay?”  Kuroo asked even as he scooted down to rest his head on Sawamura’s broad shoulder.

“You’ll be sleeping on the couch until we buy some sheets for the futon.”  Sawamura shifted around until settling back and Kuroo realized he was in a much more comfortable position now.

“Hey Daichi?”  Kuroo said, felt Sawamura tense up even though he was halfway to being unconscious again.

“Yes?”  Sawamura asked, voice soft and barely audible.

“Thanks for doing this.”  Kuroo managed to get out before his eyelids slipped shut.  He was almost completely out when he heard Sawamura speak again.

“Anything for you Tetsurou.”  

@kurodai-week

[topconfessions]

What are your thoughts on the vaccine and the people who don't want to get vaccinated?

I got the vaccine despite heavily avoiding it and not wanting it. I got it cause I wouldn't get hired by my new job unless I got vaccinated. I felt tricked into it cause nowhere did the company job listing in careers or the email communication state vaccination was required or first week was required. My manager who is also a good friend of mine from previous job got me in but didn't forewarn me or let me know, assuming I was already vaccinated ir would just get it anyway. I found out during the interview I needed it. I decided to get it cause I really wanted the job plus it was the smoothest interview and nicest one I've ever been on plus I needed the money. Also I knew that in the city downtown these mandates were going to spread allover.

So I got the first dose of Pfizer since Iw as required to at least have 1 dose or the J&J by a certain date. My job didn't bother to require 2nd dose or check after people to ask if They got 2nd dose. Only needed the first.

I was going to stick to the first dose and not do the 2nd but my 2nd job that was a side gig began implementing mandates all late saying you would be terminated if you didn't get the vaccine. So I went ahead and got the 2nd (although I was getting sick of that 2nd job anyway).

I got the vaxx and a spot on my arm was sore. I felt okay in general though no crazy immune response like others. I only felt brain fogginess and now I'm getting back to normal but for the first few months I lost the ability to stay up late. My body couldn't handle staying up past 10PM and staying up to 1am was killer so I always fell asleep very early and was always feeling tired like I just needed to be in bed and lay down. I was just yearning to lay down alot. I also think it affected my menstrual cycle cause I came on my period 2 times in October and missed my period in September.

I don't believe anyone should be forced because the primary purpose of the vaccine is specifically to prevent you from dying right away or ending up in ICU and showing symptoms. Minus warding off immediate symptoms of sickness it isn't in my opinion truly protecting anyone at face value but I feel like on the flip side at this point the vaccine is okay for now.

This is a new experimental drug we won't no the long term side effects of until 2-5 years into the future. The flu shot is tested and has been around since me & you been born. We know it thoroughly. It has underwent clinical trials and been sorted out. The vaccine for COVID is still brand new. Not everyone can survive it One girl I saw was left paralyzed, lost her speech and her body trembled constantly the upper half on top of her being bed ridden. She's a vegetable and its practically a game of Russian roulette you don't voluntarily agree to play. The media pushed severely for the vaccine and brainwashed us all to take it in the form of manipulative marketing in a pill of "do it for others do it for your family etc" like stfu, tell us how to improve our health. Tell us what vitamins to load up on, the immediate and long term lifestyle changes and how to improve of health within a year to beat it.

I'm not getting the booster shot for now. No workplace that I know of is requiring boosters thank god. If I get it I want to get my health together first and lose this extra COVID weight I've put on and lower my blood pressure that is always unusually high and just improve my health so I will be at better odds for no side effects or immediate sickness. I feel these boosters (Conspiracy) are a plant to take out the people who managed to adapt well as further population control on top of the regular vaccine being shitty with its longevity.

Also isnt it strange they care about Black people health for a hot minute forcing them to get it and making it so paramount they have to hurry but they don't put this care into black health any other time? Also why wage a whole out social war and invade Americans rights to privacy and secure confidentiality with their health records & status by forcing people to get a vaccine that's suppose to be the end all be all for COVID as if it saves you forever but yet tell us it's only good for 4-6 months? Basically a season or 2?

Now this isn't going to do shit for introverted, quiet, shy, abused and scared or isolated individuals who never leave home often and have been reclusive their whole lives. They will waste the strengths of the virus and by the time they feel confident to go out into the world or work the strength wains.

This whole ordeal is a mega eye opener

You all may hate me for saying this but public / customer service, servicing, health and medical as well as teaching and jobs where you are primarily at the position of your job being dependant on others / random people IS NOT sustainable or financial secure. These people were the ones at risk the most and yeah yeah yeah most are essential...somebody has to do it...

But this will change the way childern are raised and brought up at least in Western society now. No longer is an extreme emphasis on being a doctor, lawyer or teacher the primary occupations we indoctrine childern to aspire to.

I think that's wild.

Anyways the fact we have my body my choice for everything but a vaccine is disturbing. Americans being pressured and forced to take it is extremely foul and against the literal motto of our nations reputation.

I secretly feel if this pandemic happened in 2018 or 2019 or below many people would have been better off finanically and better equipped to handle this even if it unfolded the exact same way. Also if it happened 2019 & below, a lot of us who were on the fence or forced to get it for work would still stand tall and not do it.

It's just a conspiracy theory I have cause I feel a lot of us secretly was putting our all into 2020 being our year and our finances were not secure stability wise for something like that. Many of us were going to take risks in 2020 or finanically put money into travel or miscellaneous things.

Anyways to me I don't and will never care if someone is vaxxed or not just be safe and not anti mask around me.

I also feel the 2012 illuminati YouTube conspiracy heads were right. Remember the illuminati and MK ULTRA trend? I believe they all didn't have the social and communication skills to convey and explain their theories properly but I believe the whole new world / one world order is what we are living and seeing is the unfolding of us being pushed into a one world homogenous type society where if you don't agree with the majority or do what the majority is doing especially if you don't take what they tell you, you will be ostracized and punished living a difficult low quality life until you relent and give in. Individualism is dead and we're all being groomed like robots.

[billehrman]

Challenging Times

Challenging Times

Markets like to climb walls of worry. Therefore, all markets are challenged today by the many issues we are dealing with such as the coronavirus, a more hawkish Fed, fiscal policy disarray, shortages, and supply line issues now hitting energy supply around the world.

The good news is that we are getting our arms around the coronavirus. Cases and death are falling, and it appears that we all will be vaccinated within six months, with amble booster shots available for all in 2022. We also expect that vaccinations for children will be approved within two months. The best news was that Merck has come up with an anti-viral pill that dramatically reduces hospitalizations and death rates. A game changer.  We, therefore, see growth in the world reaccelerating as we move through the fall into 2022. On the other hand, shortages, and supply line issues, including energy, are hitting production, and raising costs. These problems will not go away quickly, but we still assume that the worst will be behind us by the end of the winter, 2022, which will lead to higher production, reduced costs, and more robust margins/profitability.

While we remain favorably inclined to the financial markets over the next 12 to 24 months, we did make some midcourse corrections adding more financials and some energy companies to our portfolios, reducing a few high multiple technology companies as we expect a steepening yield curve and higher energy prices as we move through the winter months. Like most commodity companies, energy companies have maintained discipline in controlling capital spending, which will result in higher prices as demand grows and considerable increases in free cash flow. Saudi Arabia's huge energy company is public and is doing the same thing.

Our longer-term thesis of higher operating margins and profits remains intact, but there are challenges immediately ahead. We have entered a technological revolution with positive implications for years to come, and managements have learned to do more with less during the pandemic. Shortages and supply line issues will diminish as we move into the second half of 2022, which will boost production while enhancing profitability. And we have entered a period of stepped-up capital spending worldwide, not even including trillions of governments’ backed infrastructure programs on the horizon.  

We realize that corrections are challenging, but successful investors view them as opportunities. Patience is needed.  Even though the Fed sounds more hawkish, monetary policy will remain overly accommodative for another 18 months.  We expect fiscal support, too. The preconditions for a market top are not present, so we must all stay the course.

The key to a reacceleration of global growth remains to get our arms around the Delta variant. The news continues to get better by the week as the number of cases over the last two weeks has fallen by 26% domestically and 17% worldwide. The number of deaths continues to lag but improves, increasing only 2% domestically while declining 13% worldwide. More than 6.25 billion doses have been administered worldwide across 184 countries at a rate of 30.3 million doses daily. In the U.S., 392 million doses have been distributed at an average rate of 706,711 per day. At this pace, it will take less than six months to cover 75% of the total population, creating herd immunity. The vaccines are successful in reducing hospitalizations and deaths. It appears that the current wave has peaked here and abroad, setting up for a reacceleration of growth moving forward. We expect the FDA and CDC to approve vaccinations for children and booster shots for all before November. Pfizer, Moderna, and J&J will have more than enough doses available worldwide to handle all contingencies, which supports our belief that the virus will be in the rearview mirror by the spring of 2022, and we will get annual booster shots much as we do for the flu. And now we have Merck’s anti-viral pill on the horizon. What great news!

Powell and the Fed are facing some tough decisions as hiring has slowed while inflationary pressures have picked up due to shortages and supply line issues. Powell is under attack, too, for the lack of oversight over some of the members' financial transactions. Powell commented last week before Congress that supply line bottlenecks and other challenges related to the reopening of the economy have been larger and longer lasting than anticipated. “But they will abate, and as they do, inflation is expected to drop back toward the Fed’s goal of 2%.”

Odds favor that the Fed begins tapering by year-end and finish by the end of the third quarter of 2022. We do NOT expect any rate hikes until early 2023. All of this is naturally data-dependent, and the key will be growth in employment and the end of shortages and supply line issues which we expect to diminish by mid-2022.

What more can I say about our government’s ability to govern than it is a mess and dysfunctional. Without a traditional infrastructure bill that we all want, a budget resolution, and the debt limit extension. The progressive wing of the Democratic Party is holding Congress hostage, acknowledging that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pass their social agenda. Fortunately, it cannot happen as is without the support of moderate Democrats who have held firm. Congress did pass a temporary bill to keep the government operating until December, but lots more needs to be done. Senator Manchin has publicly stated that he will not support a social infrastructure bill above $1.5 trillion, which would mean a more minor increase in individual and corporate tax rates, which is a good thing.

The economic picture has been a mixed bag as we are just putting the Delta variant in the rearview mirror. Unfortunately, shortages and supply line issues are holding back production while boosting inflationary pressures. It appears that areas hit most by the Delta pandemic are improving, such as travel and entertainment. The high-frequency data is getting better, too, pointing to more robust growth ahead. Interestingly, unemployment claims continue to rise, so to 362,000, a seven-week high, which suggests another disappointing employment number ahead, complicating the Fed’s next move as inflationary pressures remain strong even though they may be transitory. The production side continues to do as well as possible with all the constraints, with durable orders increasing 1.8%, shipments fell 0.5% due to shortages and supply-side issues, unfilled orders rose 1.0%, and inventories increased 0.8%. Home prices have increased an impressive 19% year over year, adding to record wealth for the U.S consumer. On the other hand, consumer confidence fell further in September to 109.3, not an alarming number; the present indication index fell to 143.4, pretty good too, and expectations declined to 86.6. Nevertheless, the U.S economy is on the cusp of reaccelerating, which will pick up steam even more as shortages and supply line issues diminish in 2022.

China, the second-largest economy globally, has slowed as evidenced by the decline in the September manufacturing PMI, which fell to 59.6 while the non-manufacturing PMI bounced back to 53.2. Interestingly, the Caixin/Markit manufacturing PMI increased to 50.0. Goldman lowered its growth forecast for 2021 to 7.8% from 8.2%, we agree. China is suffering from shortages and supply line issues, especially energy, which is penalizing growth. The PBOC vows to ensure a “healthy” property market and protect homeowners. The central bank continues to inject billions of liquidity into the banking system. Evergrande sold an asset raising over a billion-dollar last week, and its bonds lifted. We expect the PBOC to lower reserve requirements and the government to announce a significant fiscal program to boost growth and employment.

The Eurozone economy is recovering to pre-pandemic levels as the number of Delta variant cases decline. The OECD weekly tracker of economic activity is improving as the labor market remains strong; job vacancies are at record highs; Europeans are spending less time at home and spending more out; use of public travel has surged, consumers are more confident, and flights are increasing. We are concerned about the high prices paid for energy as it could penalize growth in cold winter. Interest rates in the Eurozone, while still negative, have increased considerably as the reflation trade is alive and well as it is here too.

Vaccinations have increased considerably in India, and their economy is primed to accelerate. The services sector is resuming expansion, and manufacturing activity picked up growth in August. Japan elected a new Premier, Fumio Kishida, a former banker, who pledges to steer away from “neo-liberal” economic policies. Finally, Australia’s economy is picking up steam too.

We continue to expect improving growth here and abroad in 2022, supported by easy monetary and fiscal policies.

Investment Conclusions

Global economic growth is on the cusp of accelerating as we get our arms around the Delta variant. It will only get better in 2022 as shortages and supply line issues abate. Despite all the problems in 2021, S & P earnings and margins will reach record levels hitting over $210/share vs. $163/share in 2019. We expect further improvement to over $225/share in 2022, which may prove conservative as  shortages and supply problems ease. The real story will be cash flow generation. We expect record buybacks and dividend hikes in 2022, which will support the market. Our long-term improving margin thesis is alive and well. We expect operating margins to get close to 14% in 2023 vs. 11.5% in 2019 and earnings to reach nearly $240/share.

Monetary policy here and abroad will remain overly accommodative even if tapering begins before year-end. Tapering is NOT tightening. Fiscal policies will be supportive of growth too. We expect infrastructure spending to accelerate everywhere in 2022 on top of significant increases in capital expenditures.

We have adjusted our portfolios to reflect higher energy prices and a steeper yield curve as the Fed appears more hawkish.  We added energy and financials which sell below market multiples and have been out of favor for years, so we see an opportunity for revaluation on top of higher earnings, increased buybacks, and higher dividends.

Challenging times are opportunities for those willing to invest with a 12–24-month time frame. Sell when participants are overly optimistic but buy when pessimism is at high.

[blog-cosmosuniverse1]

The rollout of booster shots for adults who got their second dose at least six months ago is expected to begin September 20, 2021. According to CNN,6 this rollout may be limited to Pfizer’s injection to start. Moderna’s boosters may be delayed by another few weeks due to inadequate data.

In its September 3, 2021, report, CNN claimed federal health officials warned White House staff that we still don’t have enough data to recommend boosters for all adults.7

The administration pushed forward anyway — a decision that appears to have prompted or played a role in Gruber’s and Krause’s resignations. FDA officials had also urged the Biden administration not to put a specific date on the rollout of boosters. They didn’t follow that recommendation either. Children’s Health Defense chairman Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., commented:8

“With 50% of its overall budget and 75% of its drug-testing budget coming from industry, the FDA long ago won its notoriety as the most corrupt and pliable of all federal agencies. Now, the White House has torn away its last shred of integrity by ordering top regulators to put politics before science.”

How Many Shots Will Be Required?

According to Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, the recommended “full regimen” for the Pfizer and Moderna shots will likely end up being three doses. During a White House COVID-19 response team briefing, he stated:9

“… I would not at all be surprised that the adequate full regimen for vaccination will likely be three doses. It is entirely understandable why the results … reported from the Israeli boost is so dramatic.

And we all hope, and I believe we have good reason to believe, that that only will not be a strong response, but that it will actually be durable, and if it is durable, then you're going to have very likely a three-dose regimen being the routine regimen."

Can we trust Fauci’s “educated predictions”? I’ll let you decide.

It seems more than obvious to me, that it won’t end at three doses. First of all, there are many dozens of COVID shots under research and development,10 so are we to believe they will simply be scrapped? Drug company officials have also stated they fully expect their COVID shots will turn into an annual requirement as the pandemic morphs into a “perennial endemic.”11

More importantly though, a finite set of shots would negate the ongoing need for vaccine passports, which they want to tie to banking, personal ID and a social credit score.

Without a never-ending series of booster shots that you’d have to get in order to maintain a valid passport, they won’t have the same leverage over people. Of course, they could just transition to other mandated injections, such as seasonal mRNA flu shots and the like, several of which are also in the pipeline.

FDA Dismissed Early COVID Shot Concerns

While the resignations of Gruber and Krause might indicate to some that the COVID boosters have a political foundation rather than a scientific one, concerns over FDA misconduct have been present for over a year.

In a June 2021 DarkHorse interview,12 the inventor of the mRNA and DNA vaccine core platform technology,13 Dr. Robert Malone, said he’d warned the FDA that the spike protein — which the COVID-19 “vaccines” instruct your cells to make — could be dangerous.

The FDA dismissed his concerns, saying they did not believe the spike protein was biologically active. Besides, the vaccine makers specifically designed the injections so the spike protein would stick and not float about freely.

Well, they were wrong on both accounts. It’s since been well-established that, indeed, the SARS-CoV-2 spike protein gets free,14 and that it is biologically active and causes severe problems.

The spike protein itself is actually responsible for the most severe effects seen in COVID-19, such as bleeding disorders, blood clots throughout the body and heart problems. These are also the same problems we now see in a staggering number of people having received one or two COVID shots. The spike protein may also have reproductive toxicity, and Pfizer’s biodistribution data15 show it accumulates in women’s ovaries.

FDA Enabled Data Vacuum

Even more egregious, Malone pointed out that, in re-reading the most current version of the emergency use authorization that governs these COVID shots, he discovered the FDA opted to not require stringent post-vaccination data collection and evaluation, even though they had the authority to do so.

Why did they opt for such lax data capture? Without it, there’s no way of evaluating the safety of these products. You cannot identify the danger signals if you don’t have a process for capturing effects data and evaluating all of it. Now, Gruber and Krause appear to have resigned in protest because the Biden administration and the CDC are moving ahead with boosters despite a lack of data — a data vacuum the FDA itself enabled from the start.

[zigdirty]

https://www.newyorker.com/news/letter-from-trumps-washington/the-trumperdammerung-is-a-fitting-end-to-2020

Pasting the story by Susan B. Glasser, posted today, below, if you don't want all the ads and page loads on the New Yorker website:

As the awful year of 2020 and the awful tenure of Donald Trump both come to an end, the President has partied with the unmasked in Palm Beach and taken credit for a vaccine against a virus that he once counselled could be beaten with bleach. He has pardoned mercenary child-killers and Paul Manafort. He has golfed. He has raged. He has vetoed the annual defense bill and threatened to shut down the government over the holidays. He has turned against even some of his most loyal henchmen, and some, in turn, have finally flipped on him. “Mr. President . . . STOP THE INSANITY,” the New York Post blared on Monday, after four years of relentless cheerleading.

But, of course, the President did not, and he will not. He continues to refuse to accept his defeat in the election, and just the other day he retweeted a claim that “treason” kept him from winning. Injecting still more political drama into the most ministerial of constitutional processes, Trump and his most fanatical supporters now want Congress to refuse to confirm Joe Biden’s Electoral College win on January 6th—which is both pointless, in that it will not happen, and incredibly destructive. Meanwhile, more than a hundred thousand Americans have died of the coronavirus just since the election, and only two million Americans—not the hundred million he once promised—have so far received the vaccine.

The Trümperdämmerung is finally here, and it is every bit the raging dumpster fire that we, the unlucky audience for this drama, have come to expect. Is there anyone left who is surprised that the President is careening through the last days of his Administration with a reckless disdain that simply has no precedent in American public life? Still, the hardest thing to accept is that 2020 is not merely the year that Donald Trump’s luck ran out but that with it the country’s did, too. Sadly and yet inevitably, this terrible, wretchedly toxic year of pandemic death and economic distress, of partisan hatred and national protest, is the culmination of all that Trump has wrought and all that he is.

Now that 2020 is finally almost over, I find that I don’t want to remember it at all. (Though you should read Lawrence Wright’s definitive account of this Plague Year in this week’s New Yorker.) Perhaps this is simply because Trump has remained so defiantly and obnoxiously unrepentant, continuing his antics all the way to the end. He does not want to let go, to cede the spotlight, to renounce his outsized claim on our collective consciousness. It is my protest, our protest, to want so desperately to do so.

As it is, we are still in 2020, and I can barely summon the concerns and controversies of a year ago, when the most pressing political question in Washington was whether Trump’s former national-security adviser John Bolton would have to testify in the impeachment trial of the President. (Spoiler alert: he didn’t, though he would eventually call Trump unfit for office in a book whose contents he did not share with the United States Senate and the American public when it mattered most.) Now that the election and all the other mayhem associated with it have happened, it’s hard to recall that 2020 began with me wondering whether Biden still had a chance in the upcoming Democratic primaries, and pondering why the promising Presidential campaign of Kamala Harris had flamed out so quickly, before a single vote was cast. This was back when Trumpian outrages seemed less threatening to the literal health of the nation.

How much worse was 2020? Well, NBC’s list of the President’s ten biggest lies in 2019 included Trump perennials like the idea that windmills, because of their noise, “cause cancer,” and “people are flushing toilets ten times, fifteen times,” and the U.S. will “be going to Mars very soon.” All are bad, absurd, and embarrassing coming from a President, but would not even rate in this year’s far deadlier, more consequential tally. Trump was not just a circus this year; he was an actual catastrophe.

Which is why the before times are so hard to conjure now, nine months into the pandemic and nearly two months after an election whose aftermath has challenged the very foundation of American democracy. I can remember, sort of, Nancy Pelosi ripping up Trump’s State of the Union speech, and the drama of Mitt Romney becoming the only senator in history to vote to convict an impeached President of his own party. I can recall, sort of, the anxiety that followed the U.S. assassination of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard leader Qassem Suleimani, and the drama of Biden’s remarkable comeback in the Democratic Presidential race.

In reality, though, the year really began for me, for us, in February—on February 24th, to be precise, when Trump tweeted, “The coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.” We already knew that this wasn’t true. I had spent the previous weekend haranguing my visiting parents about the virus and begging them to purchase N95 masks before it was too late. But somehow I did not fully recognize until that moment that Trump was going to approach the biggest public-health emergency of our lifetimes with a strategy of outright denial. The Big Lie of 2020 had begun. So many more followed that it’s hard to remember the breathtaking simplicity of this first untruth, the foundational lie from which so many deadly consequences would flow.

“Just stay calm. It will go away,” Trump said on March 10th, when thirty-one Americans were dead. “It’s going to go away,” he said on August 31st, by which point nearly two hundred thousand had died. “It’s going to disappear,” he said on October 10th. “It is disappearing.” He said that the coronavirus was a Chinese plot and that concern over it was a Democratic hoax, that he knew how to treat it better than the doctors did, that it was just like the flu, and that, if you got it, you would get better, as he eventually did in October. “That’s all I hear about now. . . . covid, covid, covid, covid,” he said before the election. “By the way, on November 4th, you won’t hear about it anymore.” But that wasn’t true, either, and, since then, millions of Americans have been infected with the disease, and December has been by far our deadliest month yet.

To be sure, there are many, many other Trumpisms from 2020 that would have been mind-blowing in another context, in any other year. That’s the thing about historic, world-changing times; so much happens that you can’t remember it all. Still, I am quite certain that, even amid the firehose of 2020 awfulness, the Worst Photo-Op in American History and the Worst Debate in American History and the Worst Case of Sore-Loserism in American History will rate a mention.

Thinking back through the year, I realize, too, that there is much that we will not only forget but may not even believe actually happened. Trump pressing his Attorney General to prosecute his opponent weeks before the election? Trump holding rallies with thousands of unmasked followers during a deadly pandemic, including a superspreader White House event at which he introduced a Supreme Court nominee whom Republican senators hurriedly confirmed just days before Trump was defeated? “Person, woman, man, camera, TV”? “Obamagate,” which was supposedly “the biggest political crime and scandal in the history of the USA”? It’s just all too insane.

When I Googled “craziest shit Trump did in 2020,” a column I wrote in September, on “Twenty Other Disturbing, Awful Things That Trump Has Said This Month,” popped up. Although it was published just a few months ago, I realized that I did not remember many of the examples cited in it—the “super-duper” new “hydrosonic” missile that does not actually exist; Trump’s accusation that Biden got a “big fat shot in the ass” of some unknown drug; Trump’s admission that he was getting his information about the uselessness of mask-wearing from “waiters.” This, as George W. Bush was reported to have said about Trump’s ominous Inaugural Address, was some weird shit indeed.

Remembering all of this is already both hard and painful. There is still much more to learn about the disastrous events of the past four years in Trump’s Washington and on his watch. But I recognize that there are powerful forces—in human nature, in the politics of both the right and the left—that will push us toward forgetting. The urge to move on from Trump is understandable, and potentially very, very dangerous. As of noon on January 20th, no matter what other madness comes between now and then, America will start to move on anyway.

Out of all the books I read this year—and I read many, stuck at home during 2020’s endless quarantine—the one that resonated perhaps the most was “Those Who Forget,” an account by the French-German author Géraldine Schwarz of postwar Europe’s, and her own family’s, not entirely successful effort to reckon with the crimes of the Second World War. It made the very convincing case that, until and unless there is a full accounting for what happened with Donald Trump, 2020 is not over and never will be. I still don’t want to remember, but I know that forgetting is not an option, either.

This has been a terrifying and sobering year, and presidency, to be sure. Sadly the consequences of it won't dissipate any time soon, or possibly at all.