#i did that once when I was 18 and im sad to announce i am no longer immortal nor am i god's strongest soldier

[malleleothreesome]

Okay okay FINE due to popular demand (2 people) i'm proud to announce I'll be cosplaying tits out no thoughts in brain Dorm Malleus at Anime Expo 2024 see u there godspeed 🫡

[lady-djarin]

under the moonlight

mand'alor!din djarin x royal!f!reader (pt. ii)

part i here

warnings: arranged marriage, age gap (reader is well over being legal age), some fluffy feelings, sweet/soft din, mentions of violence/blood, one bed trope (kind of) , masturbation (m), dirty talk, smut, oral (f receiving), p in v penetration, praise, under 18 dni

word count: 6,056

a/n: sorry for the long wait but she is here! its a little long i got carried away, royal!din gets me very excited :)) thank you for the continued support! i'm also sorry im not very good at endings :/ please let me know if there is anything i missed!

* ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

The rest of your wedding night was spent in a blur of polite greetings and small talk with strangers. Din was being as helpful as he could but it was hard to ignore the feeling deep in your gut that sadly, your wedding night wasn't something to be celebrated for you. You tried not to worry about your ‘wifely’ duties that were expected of you but you quickly learned that having children and the topic of it all was very openly discussed among Mandalorians.

“Ah! The big bad Mand’alor is married! Soon we'll be seeing plenty of little warriors running around!”

You both had gotten that comment a number of times throughout the night and after every single one, Din apologized. You were beginning to realize he was just as in over his head as you were. As the party slowly died down, you didn't want to bring up what would happen after the party. It was announced that the party was over and the two of you were retiring for the night. That was followed by loud congratulations and ‘whoops!’ from the crowd. Your ladies took you to your rooms to get you changed and gather your things. You were confused at first but they helped explain.

“You will move into the Marriage Chambers with the Mand’alor.”

“The rulers can only move in when married.”

Once you were changed into something less formal, your ladies started to take your belongings to the new living quarters. You had to admit your wedding dress was gorgeous, but the long loose fitting dress you now wore was much more your speed. As you were about to head the same way, there was a light knock at your slightly open door. Without turning to look at your visitor, you welcomed them in.

“I came to see if you were alright,” the smooth voice of your new husband took you aback at first. He had taken off his usual heavy armor and now donned a simple black tunic and pants. His hair was slightly messy, giving him a more, approachable look. Honestly, he looked almost… cute.

“Yes, I'm alright,” you lied. “I'm ready to move into the new chambers.”

“Well, that's what I came to talk to you about,” he stepped closer now and despite his large and imposing frame, somehow you knew you were safe with him. Not happy with him, but safe. “If you don't feel comfortable, you can stay here as long as you need to.”

“Is that normal? For the King and Queen to sleep separately?” The two of you moved to sit across from each other in the seating area in your rooms.

“As far as I know, it's never happened, but that doesnt matter…”

“Of course it matters, it’s Mandalorian tradition, and since I am Mandalorian now, I suppose I have to join in on the traditions,” you tried to sound kind but you heard the sadness in your own voice. The conversation with your mother had sparked some realization in you. The people of Mandalore would look to you as their queen now. You were expected to keep up an image for the public and the court. You thought if you did, your time here would be easier spent.

“You're the Queen, you can do whatever makes you happy,” he placed a hand delicately on your knee, making you flinch slightly. He immediately pulled it back. “I’m sorry, I'm not very good at… this,” he motioned between you. You had to admit you admired his efforts but your heart still remembered why you were here in the first place. “Would you like to talk about… anything?”

You recognized this scary man was trying to have an honest conversation about your feelings, despite everything else about him. His soft brown eyes were telling you that you could trust him. You knew you didn't want to have the kind of marriage that started out with contempt and awkwardness.

“I left everything behind, my family, friends and my…” you shook your head, trying to clear her from your mind. “My best friend. We did everything together. Quite honestly, she was more than that…”

Fond memories of spending the entire day out in the lush fields reading your favorite books and talking about everything in the galaxy were coming back to you now. You could still smell the sweet perfume that always lingered when she was around, like honey and fresh flowers. You always wanted to tell her how you felt, truly felt about her, but you knew it wouldn't change anything about your future. You didn't even know if she felt the same way, so you played it safe and kept your most precious friendship just that, a friendship.

The silence stretched on between you and your husband, not something quite awkward but neither of you knew what to do next. When you met his gaze again your view was suddenly blurred with cloudy tears on your lashes. You didn't even know you were crying until then. Before either of you could say anything else, his large hand came up to wipe the tears from your cheek. In some odd way, the roughness of his hands were a sort of comfort to you now. Hands that were hardened from rigorous days of handling heavy weapons and causing pain were now the only thing calming your heart.

A small exhale escaped your lungs as you leaned into his touch, ever so slightly.

“I’m sorry you had to leave her,” his words made your heart leap. “I know what it's like to lose a loved one. I… lost my son a while back.”

Your heart dropped. A son? No one ever mentioned he had a son before.

“I’m so sorry, I had no idea…” As an instant reflex, your hand now covered his that was still cradling your face. “Is he…?” You didn't even want to utter the word.

“He is alive. He went back to his people. I was more like just a guardian for him…”

Your heart broke. You could hear the hurt in his voice, the sorrow in his eyes was unmistakable. Before you knew what you were doing, you closed the distance between you and wrapped your arms around his shoulders. Somehow, hearing about his loss made you feel all the better around him.

He was stunned at first. He can't remember the last time he was hugged, let alone had any human contact that wasn't fighting. He found himself melting into your arms, breathing in your scent and wrapping his arms around your form. He knew it would be a difficult transition for you and he knows what it's like to be thrown into something that you're not prepared for. He won’t have you hate your life, he wouldn't want that for anyone, but he was glad you already seemed comfortable with him. The way he was trying to be for you was all new territory for him. Nothing he was saying or doing with you was false but he didn't want to scare off his new bride so he was making a conscious effort to make you feel at ease with him.

You slowly pulled out of the hug, almost not wanting to leave his warm embrace. This metal wall of a man was showing you he had a beating heart underneath it all, something you were sure was only for you to see. That same beating organ inside your chest was telling you to throw yourself wholeheartedly into this man, be completely open with him, but a small part of your brain was telling you to guard yourself. You didn't know this man, you couldn't just trust him without learning more first. The hug was only separated far enough so that you were still right up against his strong body and your face was barely an inch away from his. His breath fanned over your cheek and you could still smell the wine that you two shared that evening.

His hand returned to your face, holding you there with a silent plea, as if he would fall apart if you left him. It was hard for either of you to deny the attraction but something like a warning beacon was going off in your mind to tread carefully. As your heart rate increased, those beautiful brown eyes started to come closer to yours, his nose brushing yours as he angled his face, his lips finally making contact with your... cheek?

You released a breath you didn't know you were holding and relished in the feel of his lips on your skin. His lips parted slightly, placing another kiss closer to your jaw and instinct kicked in as you rolled your head to the side, allowing him more access.

Suddenly, Din pulled away.

You secretly hated the loss of contact, already addicted to his touch. The only sounds radiating through the room was the quiet crackle of the fireplace and the heavy breathes coming from your lips. Sudden awareness of your situation rolled over you, there you were with your new stranger of a husband kissing your neck on your wedding night. Ducking your head as embarrassment creeped up your neck, you could feel the needy tension dying in the quiet air. It's like there was cold water thrown over both of you as he stood from his seat and he looked down at you with a hint of longing still lingering in those amber irises. A warm hand is extended in your direction, helping you up from the settee.

“You may stay wherever you are more comfortable tonight, my queen,” the last word, your title, mumbled into the top of your hand as his lips kissed the delicate skin there. An undeniable shiver racked over your body as you felt the spark once again from his touch. Without so much as another word, he hurried from the room, the door whipping the air as he closed it behind himself.

The privacy gave you a chance to soak in the moment you just experienced with the king, your king. You touched your fingers to your cheek, almost trying to press the ghostly feeling of his lips on you permanently into the skin. Despite the fact that you had already shared a kiss with the Mandalorian, that was for the public, this felt more… intimate. This was just for the two of you. The gentle gesture was proof enough that he wasn't going to force anything upon you that you didn't wish.

-----

As Din made his way back to the shared chambers, scrubbing his hand down the front of his face, trying to force the memory of you against him away. Truth is, since he had seen you float down the aisle to him, he couldn't get you out of his mind. All night long his only thought was you. He would look over to see you smiling in conversation with someone or looking completely bored to tears and just feel his heartbeat speed up. He thought every single emotion on your face was breathtaking. Due to his mind being occupied by you, Din made it back to his rooms complealty by muscle memory, ripping his clothes off his body as he went into the fresher.

He propped his large form over the basin of his sink, looking at himself in the mirror. He wasn't sure why but he knew that he was already so intrigued by you, that scared him a little bit. He didn't want to overwhelm you in this new environment. He ran the water until it was warm, soothing to his aching hands and washing away the stress on his face. As soon as he closed his eyes, the only image on his mind was seeing you with your head thrown back, heavy sighs falling from your lips as you reveled in the feeling of his lips on your jaw. The mere memory of you reacting to his touch was sending his mind and heart racing. He imagined all the ways he would like to see you reacting to his touch, his tongue and many, many other things.

He shook his head trying to rid himself of the thoughts, he almost felt dirty for even thinking it. There was no denying his attraction to you but he wasn't going to assume anything on your end. Din tried to wash away his desire by stepping into the warm water of the fresher stall but trying to not think about you only made him think about you more.

Your soft glowing skin, brilliant smile and beautiful lips. Ever since you pressed your body to his and hugged him tight against you, he felt his pants growing tighter. He hated to admit it, but you excited him like no other. He was struggling to keep his sanity as his right hand found the base of his now hard cock while his left was the only thing keeping him standing up right against the metal of the shower wall. He began to slowly stroke himself, already feeling close to release. Images of you and your perfect form flashed through his mind. One in particular of you on your knees under him now, your slick mouth doing the work for him. The thought alone caused his whole body to tense as he pumped his length, finishing with a soft grunt.

The weight of slight shame for his thoughts weighed on him as he prepared to get into the large bed of the marriage chambers. He moved in this morning before the wedding, unaware that you might be hesitant to share a bed with him. To him it was just custom, nothing to be ashamed or scared of. As he wrapped the towel around his waist, he made his way into the bedroom to find something to wear to bed.

He never expected to find you there, sleeping in the shared bed.

-----

When you decided to share the bed with your husband, you didn't want either of you to make a big deal about it, so when you heard the shower running you thought it was a perfect opportunity. You quietly made your way into the room and slipped under the covers. The feeling of the soft sheets paired with the wine still in your system caused you to doze off before Din even finished his shower.

This routine of not talking about staying in the same bed went on for weeks now. One of you would slip into bed unnoticed and due to the bed being larger than a bantha, you two never even came close to touching each other during the night.

The weeks following the wedding were a very hectic few weeks. Din had many things to take care of as Mand’alor, and you now had new duties as Queen. Your attention was called to making many decisions too, it's one of the only places in the galaxy where the Queen is a complete equal to the King. You did like the alone time to do your own thing but you couldn't lie, you did find yourself looking for your husband. One of the only times you two got any alone time was during dinner, usually spent at some large fancy table. You always secretly looked forward to it, a chance to look down the long tablet at your admittedly gorgeous husband. Over the weeks of official meetings, clothing fittings and council sit-ins you would steal glances at your husband and your view of the man has completely changed.

Up until this last week, you didn't want to admit to even yourself that you were drawn to him. Something in his dark yet soft demeanor you could see more to him that he doesn't show anyone else. Seeing him interact with the court and other Mandalorians he is closed off and harsh, to be expected from the Mand’alor and ex-bounty hunter but when you two are alone it's like a different person. His eyes soften and create a warmth in your heart that is hard to ignore. While you didn't ask for this situation in the first place, you were quickly growing fond of the king at your side. He revealed himself to be extremely supportive by always having you back when it came to making decisions. He was also quite the gentleman and never expected anything from you without you offering it first.

You grew accustomed to the routine of the palace, learning the ways of everyone there and finding your place among them. Throughout the days, you and Din found more things to talk about and you found yourself smiling more than usual, he was actually quite funny and charming. You even went to supper one night to find the overly large banquet table replaced with a cozy yet intimate table. Your husband claimed he made the change because he ‘actually liked speaking with you at dinner and not just seeing you from across the mile long table.’

You awoke one morning to find there was a small meeting called with just the closest members of court, yourself and the king. This was highly unusual and never happened in the almost month you had been there. You met Din in the throne room as you both took your seats. The six members of court make their way into the large room to formally greet you both.

“Your Majesties,” an older man, Lir, stepped forward. “I regret to inform you that there have been rumors…” He trailed off, looking slightly scared to say what he knew.

“Rumors? What kind of rumors?” Din sat slightly forward now, elbow resting on one knee.

“Rumors of revolt, Your Majesty. There is a group of radicalist that do not approve of your recent marriage.” His eyes now landed on you, something undetectable in his eyes, it felt almost like blame.

“What do these radicalists intend to do?” The king said the word like they were not a threat but you could tell he was worried, for your sake.

“There is said to be an attack, Mand’alor. An attack on the Queen.” The small group suddenly became upset, some of them clearly not learning about this until now. “I do not know when or where but it seems it might come soon.”

“How do you know of this attack, Lir?” Din’s voice was rough through the helmet, his aggravation clear.

“My informants heard of it through the grapevine, sir. They are trustworthy, I assure you.”

The rest of the morning was spent devising a plan. You insisted the entire palace was safe and you trusted people here but they did not want to take any chances. Din always respected your opinion but this time he was not willing to risk anything. You two just started to care for each other and he was not going to lose you now.

The final plan was this; you were to stay mostly in the chambers, the door always heavily guarded and anywhere you went, you needed at least three guards with you. To you it felt unnecessary, you even argued that this might all be a ruse to stir up doubt in the people but Din would not relent.

“I'm not going to risk anything, I'm not losing you,” he pleaded, knowing you were strong willed and you had to agree with him to make any of it work. His large hand covered your cheek. “Please, I know you can take care of yourself but do this for me, I need to know you will be ok.” You rarely ever heard this man say please, only to you and not often so you felt the weight of his words.

“Alright, fine. Just know, I'll hate it,” you both chuckled as you kissed the inside of his palm. That was something else you two had grown more comfortable with, physical touch. Small touches there, soft kisses here. It was all adding up to become quite intimate and every single touch sent electricity rushing through you. Even as you grew accustomed to his touch, his words were what made your heart flutter. It was very clear that the Mand’alor was not a man of many words so when he professed his feelings to you, that's when you truly felt special.

For the next few days you followed the plan. Din made sure you had plenty of things to occupy your time in the chambers and you had your ladies-in-waiting to keep you company. But the person you found yourself missing was your husband.

“So, your Majesty, if it's not overstepping… how is your relationship going with the Mand’alor?” Lista, your main lady-in-waiting you learned was quite brash but she always meant well. You two had grown quite close.

“Uh, it's actually going…,” you couldn't help the smile growing on your face. “Quite well, he is quite charming,” dipping your head down to hide your blush didn't go unnoticed by your friend.

You both continued to laugh and discuss daily life as she brushed your hair, something you found you loved her to do. You spent the afternoon reading and writing, waiting to hear any news from your husband's group. They went out early this morning to follow a lead on the radicalist group. You were told you would hear from them before the end of the day but nothing has come up yet. You were deep in thought about the threat facing the royal family when a guard burst into your room, unannounced, making you and Lista jump.

The guard looked flustered and worried and it made your eyes burn with the threat of tears. “Sorry for the interruption Your Majesty,” he quickly bowed, like he almost forgot. “His Majesty is back and requesting your presence.”

“Is he alright? Please tell me he's alright,” you stood as you pleaded for the soldier to tell you more.

He simply said, “Follow me.”

You raced after the man and made your way through the mazes of hallways that finally led to the healing rooms. You entered to find many armored soldiers, bloody and bruised, some dead. Your head began to swim as you searched the crowd for that familiar shiny helmet. Your eyes were quickly drawn to those of your husband, breathing and alive. You raced through the crowded space, weaving through beds of injured men and women. You found Din laying on a stretcher, his face tired and his temple split, blood running down his face.

“Oh, Maker…” you hesitated to lay a finger on him, worried you would hurt him more. His hand found yours as he slowly sat up, wincing as he went.

“I'm alright mesh’la,” he gave you a sad smile, like he was exhausted. “Just some bruised ribs, I've had worse.”

“You need a bacta shot, where is the bacta?” you were sounding frantic, but it was only because now that you saw him in front of you, you could worry about his well being yourself.

“It’s ok, I told them to take care of the rest first, I’ll be fine, don't worry, mesh’la.” You sat with the King until the healer came over with the shot of bacta. The doctor quickly looked over his injuries; his abdomen was very bruised and his temple was cut but nothing that couldn't be fixed. For the most part, the group got out ok, aside from a few unlucky ones.

“You should rest Mand’alor, for a day or so, until you are no longer sore,” the healer walked away after a small bow to show respect. You two made your way to the shared chambers accompanied by at least half a dozen guards, Din leaning slightly on you, his legs still very sore.

—---

After you thoroughly checked out the stubborn man to your liking, he headed into the fresher to wash the day off his tired body. As you took out the loose braid in your hair, sitting in front of your vanity table, you looked into the mirror to find your husband stepping out of the shower. Something had shifted in the air since you found him, bloodied and beaten down, something was more tense now. When your eyes met in the reflection, our breath was stolen from your lungs. Din was in nothing but a dark towel, hanging low on his hips, water dripping down his form. The bacta got rid of most of the bruising but there were still some small purple patches near his ribs but he was still glowing.

His skin was bronzed and the hard lines of his abs were nothing short of distracting. You let your eyes linger down his body and found yourself imagining what was under the edge of the towel. You had never really wondered that before, of course he was attractive but you were both still learning each other. Your eyes traveled back up and met his again and your breathing seemed to synchronize with his. You both were frozen there, discovering something new with each other. You were growing closer of course but this was the first time there was pure desire between you both.

Din slowly made his way over to you, placing his warm hand in the space right between your neck and your shoulder. Your lungs released a breath you didn't know you held. His eyes never left yours until he got close enough to see you clearly. He trailed down your body, looking over where your thin dress dips between your breasts. It's like you were seeing each other for the first time.

“Mesh’la, you look…,” he looked sort of conflicted, like he wasn't sure how to proceed. “lovely.”

His voice, his presence, him saying that, it will be burned into your memory forever. His voice was like velvet yet rough in a way that made your spine tingle. His fingers started to slightly dig into the tense muscle in your neck, massaging as you rolled your head back into his arm.

“Din…” your voice was a breath, barely there, begging him to do… something. Your eyes matched in the mirror again, trying to convey all the things that neither of you would say. “You worried me today, I thought something horrible happened.”

“I'm alright ad’ika, I promise,” his hand hovered over the skin of your neck as he now cupped your jaw. This was the most intimate moment you two had together since your wedding night. You could feel the heat radiating off his still bare body, it was starting to make you dizzy. His amber eyes were locked onto yours as he slowly lowered his head next to yours, his breath fanning your face. His lips were grazing the edge of your ear as he spoke.

“I’m sorry I worried you, dove,” his voice was different now, charged with something new. “You know I’ll always come back to you.” An audible moan escaped your lips, something you didn't expect of yourself. Just then he kissed along your jaw drawing more ragged breaths from you, his mouth ending up at your ear again. “I could never leave you, mesh’la.”

“W-what does that mean? You always call me that, what does it mean?” you lolled your head back, leaning into his soft kisses.

“It… kiss…means…kiss…beautiful,” he stole your breath for the hundredth time in the last few minutes. Beautiful. His lips sealed around the bottom of your ear, a rush of electricity running under your skin. A low hum vibrated through you as he kept kissing along your soft skin. “Because you are the most beautiful…kiss… woman I have ever met.”

You felt like you were in a dream, your head was in the clouds and your stomach was in knots. You couldn't take the tension anymore, it had been building up for weeks to this moment. You wouldn’t let it pass you by. Twisting around in your chair, you help onto Din’s face to keep him there as your lips crashed into his. You each molded your lips around the others, a mix of passion and gentleness you hadn't expected from him. Your husband wrapped his hands around your waist to help you stand. You could tell he was excited, as were you, but he was holding back, trying not to overwhelm you. It made you smile.

“Please,” pulling away just enough, pleading for more. “I'm not going to break, I promise,” you grabbed his face for another kiss.

“Are you sure?” His charming smirk made your heart hammer in your chest.

Nodding instead of opening your mouth, you feared only a moan would escape. You walked forward to back him up to the end of the bed, causing him to sit at the foot. Your hands never left each other, roaming over your clothes, needing more contact. You each made quick work of the remaining clothing before he laid you down on the lush fur covering the bed. The fire raged on the opposite wall of the large bedroom but it still made his warm skin glow like the sun. His lips never left your skin, covering every inch in his kisses finally landing at your breasts. He licked over your silky skin, closing his mouth over your pert nipples drawing wordless pleas from you. You couldn't help your back arching into his body, driving you both wild. Your hands flew to his hair, holding onto the dark locks for dear life.

“P-please Din,” your voice was not your own, your body was moving on its own, begging for more.

“What, dove? What do you want?” He met your eyes, looking up from his place at your chest.

“Everything. I wa-want everything.”

“I’ll give you the world, ad’ika,” his voice was pure sin. You believed every word that came out of his mouth, and you were ready for it.

He made his way down your body, torturously slow. His hands slid under your legs to place them over his shoulders. He never ceased his exploration of your body, his fingers roaming every part of you they could reach. You knew the King was only very vocal with you but this was something new from him. Any second his lips were not on you, they were mumbling something in Basic or Mandoa, none of which you could understand. The moment was so surreal to you, you never expected it to feel this good, nothing had even happened yet.

“What does that m-mean?”

“Ad’ika?” You nod. “It means little one.” Hearing it in Basic made your core clench around nothing. You threw your head back as his mouth came back down, on your slick folds this time. The slightest touch of his tongue made you see stars. He began to trace the delicate skin there with a barely there lick, driving you more mad than you already felt. You couldn't hold yourself still, needing more stimulation than what he was teasing you with.

“Please, Maker…Din I-I need –” He cut you off with a long lick of his strong tongue up your folds, circling your bundle of nerves. Your jaw dropped in a silent scream as he began to work his tongue faster, the coil in your lower stomach tightening. The pleasure was building fast, faster than you expected. Just as you were feeling like you couldn’t take anymore, you felt the small stretch of his fingers entering you, curling into your heat. The moan that passed your lips surprised you, telling your husband not to stop.

“I need you to cum for me, my Queen,” his fingers never stopped. “Cum on my fingers.” Following his command, you did, longer and harder than ever before. You felt yourself clenching around his fingers that never stopped their movements as you came on his tongue. He looked up from between your legs as you came down from your high then kissed his way back up your form. You tasted yourself on his lips when he kissed you, more possessive this time. “You were so good for me baby,” it almost felt wrong to love the taste of yourself on his tongue. He settled his hips in between yours, the tip of his hard length teasing your entrance. Your ankles were locked around his back, trying to make him move into you.

“I can’t wait any longer, please… my King,” you knew that he loved it as soon as his eyes darkened with lust, somehow more than before.

He dropped his head into your neck and grazed his lips over your pulse as he growled into your ear. Before you could beg him anymore, he sunk into you, inch by beautiful inch. The stretch was more than you could have imagined but it turned into pure, burning pleasure.

“Oh fuck me, you feel like heaven,” his eyes were full of pleasure and you could fell every inch of him as he stalled to revel in the feeling. You both cried out in ecstasy as he began to move, the pressure in your pelvis growing quickly once again. As his body moved quicker on top of yours, his hands roamed your skin, grabbing every inch of you he could touch. His soft fingertips left arousal in their wake, your whole body alive with the feeling of him. You decided then and there that his moans were the most beautiful sound ever and you would do anything to hear them.

Suddenly Din grabbed one of your wrists, adjusting to sit up while still inside you, using your hand to touch down your own body. He gently bent down to meet your hand, drawing your two middle fingers into his mouth, his tongue swirling around the pads of your fingers. Leaving your fingers sufficiently wet, he placed your hand back at your own heat.

“I want you to touch yourself, ok?” His soft command made the pressure grow in your lower stomach. “I want to watch you, t-touch yourself,” your husband never stopped his movements, his hips beginning to snap faster into yours as his gaze traveled down to your hand, now circling your clit. His spit mixed with your already slick skin made your fingers glide effortlessly around your bundle of nerves. Your back arched off the bed at the feeling of your orgasm growing closer. “Fuck, dove. You look s-so pretty with me inside you, mmh–”

You swear you could feel the vibration of his groans in the very fiber of your being. The muscles in your lower stomach started to spasm and your body felt like it was floating as he gripped your hips to pull you into himself. The force of his movements were causing your breast to sway with the motions as his large hands massaged them.

“Mhn– D-Din, I can't… oh Maker, I’m gonna–,” you cut yourself off with your other hand clasped to your mouth, trapping your sound sound of pleasure behind it. Before you could even think, Din ripped your hand from your own mouth and pinned it to the sheets.

“I want this whole palace to know that you're m-mine,” he never relented in his vicious pace as he growled the command in your ear. That sentence alone sent you tumbling over the edge of your orgasm. Stars exploded like lightspeed across your vision and you felt like you were floating in space. The muscles in your core tightened to trigger your husband's release on the tail end of yours. The gravel in his voice thickened as he spilled into you, repeating your name like a mantra. Din held you as you came down from your high, rubbing the soft skin of your arms causing goosebumps to raise, his touch never got old.

“If this is what happens when I get hurt, I'm going to start lots of fights,” you could hear the laughter in his voice. He sounded utterly ecstatic, more than you had ever seen him before.

“Please don't do that, my heart couldn't take it,” you were deadly serious but you couldn't help laughing. The thought of him starting fights just to win your affections was something so ridiculously boarish.

“Alright dove, fine. I won’t, but I will cut down anyone who tries to come after you. No second thought.”

“I guess that’s alright with me.” You kissed him sweetly and you two fell asleep wrapped in each other's arms.

MASTER LIST

[chaeryybomb]

BRUTAL

pairings: female reader x best friend!jungwon

summary: they told you that these were the golden years, but to you "golden" was a rusting metal spray painted yellow. the story of a seventeen year old trying to survive high school when all you do is try your best. but your best friend jungwon makes it worth the while. 

genre: high school au, friends to lovers, fluff, tiny bits of angst if you squint, attempt at humour

featuring: jang wonyoung, kim sunoo & nishimura riki 

word count: 4.5k 

warnings: reader having a existential crisis most of the time, strong language, mentions of insecurity

the sour series masterlist

You slumped forward the moment the bell rang, letting your head hit the table. You could care less if a bruise would form on your forehead, you had much bigger things to worry about. Your teacher left the class wordlessly as the class was busy doing their own thing. And by that, everyone was buried nose deep in studying. You lifted your head to see the different books of the same topic scattered on your desk, a yellow highlighter balancing on the edge of your table.

Reaching over to grab the highlighter, you turned your head over to the side to look at your desk mate. Wonyoung sat there looking straight out from a k-drama, with her hair flowing down her back perfectly and her slender nimble fingers moving as she continuously wrote in her notebook. She was smart too, fluent in English and Korean, great at maths and science. And on top of that she was kind and friendly, everyone loved her. You did too, you had the honour of calling her your best friend. But sometimes you felt insecure around her, everything she did looked flawless and there you were just trying your best.

"Ack!" You yelped as you sat up straight, holding your forehead. Wonyoung rolled her eyes at you with a small smile on her lips, she had flicked your forehead to get you out of your thoughts.

Without taking her eyes off the textbook, she tapped your own workbook with her pen. Silently telling you to stop procrastinating. You pouted at her and looked at the clock, 10 minutes before lunch. Maybe a walk to the girl's bathroom would do you some good.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," you whispered to Wonyoung. She nodded and smiled at you before you walked out.

As you strolled towards the girl's bathroom, you passed by the bulletin board outside your class. A bright blue poster stood out with the words "ENJOY YOUR YOUTH" in white. Scoffing at the message, you continued on your way.

"I'm seventeen now, where's my fucking teenage dream?" You muttered to yourself. You were tired of waiting for your life to end up like a coming of age movie. Everyone told you that these were the golden years and you should enjoy your youth, but you swear to god if you hear another one of those cheesy sayings, you might just cry on the spot.

Reaching over to open the stall door, you halt in your actions when you heard familiar voices talking.

"I'm so worried for finals, my parents are gonna kill me if I fail English again," a girl complained. You hear the sound of tap water running. "How are you so calm during this time, Mirae?'

"What's the use of studying hard anyways," the second girl, Mirae, said. "We all know the top spots are gonna be taken by Jang Wonyoung and Yang Jungwon, I just study enough to pass."

The other girl snorted at her reply. "Imagine if those two got together, the power couple of the year," she suddenly said.

"Poor Y/N then, she's gonna be over shadowed by them."

"As if she already isn't. I almost forgot they were a trio until you mentioned Y/N," the girl laughed.

"What can I say? They're out of her league," Mirae joined in with her laughter.

The two voices faded away as you heard the door closed. Finally pushing the door open, you looked at your reflection. Your eyebrows knitted in annoyance and your face was morphed in a scowl. You washed your hands aggressively and poked the inside of your cheek. What bugged you was that they were right. You were the black sheep between Wonyoung and Jungwon. Both of them were smart and amazing, and you're just…you.

You love your best friends, you truly do. But you were constantly compared to them and you hated it. Everyone wanted them, you watched as guys tripped over to confess to Wonyoung and girls squealing when Jungwon smiled at them. The two of them always reassured you that you weren't beneath them but you were sick of their sympathy. You're so caught up in the news of who likes you and who hates them. You just wished people liked you more.

Storming out of the bathroom, someone accidentally ran into you and caused you to fell onto your butt. The student immediately stood up and scurried off, not bothering to even a mutter an apology. All I did was try my best and this is the thanks I get, you thought bitterly.

They said that these were the golden years, but you wished you could just disappear. God, it's brutal out here.

"Y/N, wait up!" Jungwon called after you.

You stopped in your tracks as you watched Jungwon waved goodbye to some students before jogging towards you.

"You heading to cram school today?" He asked you as the both of you fell into the same walking rhythm.

You shook your head, clasping your hands behind. "I moved it to Thursday instead, Wonyoung said I had to many things on Tuesday," you told him. Originally, you would be heading to the library to study before heading over to the cram school. But Wonyoung took one look at your schedule and decided that you did not had enough breaks, so she managed to convince you to take the Thursday slot instead. Thursdays are one of the days where you would not go to the library.

Jungwon seemed to be disappointed to find out that you had switched slots. Maybe he should changed slots too, but does he have any empty spots open for Thursday though? He'd have to check later. Instead, he coughed and stuffed his hands into his pockets.

"Do you wanna come over later? The new Demon Slayer movie is out," he offered, hoping that you'd accept.

Unfortunately, you once again shook your head. "Sorry Jungwon, I'd want to cram even more later. Finals are really creeping in and I can't afford to waste any time," you told him with a sad smile. As much as you would like to ditch the books and watch Demon Slayer, the glaring C on your last history paper was telling you otherwise.

You stopped walking when you had reached your doorstep. "Thanks for walking me home, Jungwon. See you tomorrow!" and with that you disappeared behind the door.

Jungwon waved goodbye as he watched the door closed. The smile on his face dropped and his shoulder sagged. Jungwon you idiot, of course she would want to study, he scolded himself. With disappointment on his face, he trudged home with a heavy heart.

"Change of plans, guys," he announced as he swung the front door open, unfazed by the fact that Riki and Sunoo were lounging on his coach. He accepted the fact that Sunoo had somehow gotten the keys to his house (suspecting that his mother probably gave it to him due to favouritism or maybe Riki had sneakily made a copy).

Riki's head poked out from the couch. "She rejected you, didn't she," the younger boy said with a smirk.

Jungwon's face ears turned red as he glared at the boy. "No she did not!" He immediately told him. "She rejected the offer to watch the movie, that's different!"

"That's basically rejection, hyung," Riki laughed.

The other boy just glared at him. "Shut up!" he sputtered out before hiking up the stairs.

Sunoo gave Riki a look, to which the Japanese boy just shrugged his shoulders innocently.

Jungwon walked out from the shower, a towel around his neck with one hand running through his damp hair. Sunoo and Riki had left earlier, finally giving him some peace and quiet. His phone screen was flashing from his study table, initiating that someone was spamming him (quite aggressively) with text message. With a raised eyebrow, he picked up his phone

[7:09 pm] wonyoung: JUNGWON

[7:09 pm] wonyoung: JUNGWON

[7:09 pm] wonyoung: JUNGWON

[7:10 pm] wonyoung: WHY DID Y/N JUST MESSAGED ME ABOUT HOMEWORK

[7:10 pm] wonyoung: ISNT SHE WITH YOU

[7:11 pm] wonyoung: I THOUGHT YOU SAID U WERE GONNA WATCH A MOVIE

[7:11 pm] wonyoung: DEMON HUNTER OR SMTG

[7:12 pm] wonyoung: WHY IS SHE ASKING ME FOR HW

[7:12 pm] wonyoung: DID U CHICKEN OUT???

[7:13 pm] wonyoung: omg u chickened out didnt u

[7:14 pm] jungwon: jfc wonyoung

[7:15 pm] jungwon: and no i did not chicken out okay

[7:15 pm] jungwon: she declined

[7:16 pm] jungwon: she said she had to study ;-;

[7:17 pm] wonyoung: omg u suck

[7:17 pm] wonyoung: i told u the movie idea was dumb

[7:18 pm] wonyoung: but do u ever listen to me

[7:18 pm] wonyoung: no

[7:19 pm] wonyoung: and now u suffer the consequences

[7:20 pm] jungwon: yea yea i get it im dumb

[7:20 pm] jungwon: now what's ur solution the great jang wonyoung

[7:21 pm] wonyoung: i am so glad u asked :)

[7:21 pm] jungwon: oh no

[7:21 pm] wonyoung: stfu im giving u a better idea

[7:22 pm] wonyoung: a n y w a y s

[7:22 pm] wonyoung: my ynradar is going off and she's s a d

[7:23 pm] jungwon: how would u know

[7:23 pm] jungwon: she seemed fine today

[7:23 pm] wonyoung: stfu jungwon its best friend things u wont understand

[7:24 pm] jungwon: i-

[7:25 pm] wonyoung: and as her future bf u SHOULD start to train ur ynradar

[7:25 pm] wonyoung: anw its exam season stoopid

[7:26 pm] wonyoung: and its when those kids start to talk abt how the both of us are gonna get top scores

[7:26 pm] wonyoung: and they talk down on y/n while doing so

[7:26 pm] wonyoung: assholes

[7:27 pm] wonyoung: so i propose to u

[7:27 pm] wonyoung: a ✨ study date ✨

[7:28 pm] jungwon: i

[7:29 pm] jungwon: that's

[7:29 pm] jungwon: actually not a bad idea

[7:30 pm] wonyoung: obv i came up with it

[7:31 pm] jungwon: can u not

[7:31 pm] wonyoung: anw a study date

[7:32 pm] wonyoung: she's struggling in maths

[7:33 pm] wonyoung: specifically taxes because she said and i quote

[7:34 pm] wonyoung: "why do we have to do taxes when we pay people to do it for us"

[7:34 pm] wonyoung: so pls help her and try to cheer her up

[7:35 pm] wonyoung: and confess coward

[7:36 pm] jungwon: i make no promises for the last one

[7:36 pm] wonyoung: aFTER EVERYTHING I JUST SAID

[7:37 pm] jungwon: what if she rejects me wonyoung

[7:38 pm] wonyoung: WE'VE HAD THIS CONVERSATION A LOT OF TIMES JUNGWON

[7:38 pm] wonyoung: SHE LIKES U BUT SHES TOO DUMB TO REALISE

[7:39 pm] jungwon: sigh

[7:40 pm] jungwon: fine i'll try thanks wonyoung

[7:41 pm] wonyoung: np i expect y'all to be a couple by next monday <3

[7:41 pm] jungwon: i-

Sighing for the nth time of the night, Jungwon sat on his bed. He allowed the towel to slipped off his shoulders as his thumb hovered over your chat icon. Truth be told, he always thought his crush on you was unrequited love. You never showed any signs of returning of feelings so he thought he would just ignore the feeling until it was gone.

But oh boy was he wrong, because he didn't knew that he would be spending his high school years by your side. And now you occupy his mind 24/7. Wonyoung could literally tell that he was in love with you, but somehow you never caught on. He allowed Sunoo and Riki to convince him to do the whole "movie date idea", but that failed. So Wonyoung's suggestion was his only option left.

He typed out the message, ready to send it out. If only he could just press the button. Come on Yang Jungwon, you can do this. Just press the damn button Jungwon. Suddenly his phone pinged loudly, scaring the lights out of the poor boy as he yelped and his phone landed with a thud on the ground. He peered over his bed, as if his phone was a ticking bomb.

Oh, it was a message from you.

[8:01 pm] y/n: hey do u know where wonyoung is

[8:01 pm] y/n: she isn't answering my texts

Oh no. He realised that your chat was open, the two ticks indicated that he had (unintentionally) read the message. He couldn't just leave you on read. That's just evil. Scrambling to get his phone, he immediately typed a reply to cover for the other girl.

[8:02 pm] jungwon: sorry i don't :/

[8:02 pm] jungwon: what do u need her for

[8:03 pm] y/n: mf was supposed to teach me a maths question but she left me on rEAD

This was his chance! It was the perfect opportunity for him to score a date with you. Okay, breathe in breath out Jungwon. Don't mess it up and just ask her, he mentally prepared himself.

[8:04 pm] jungwon: oh i could help you if you want

[8:04 pm] jungwon: yk with finals coming up and everything, i can help you study

[8:05 pm] jungwon: if you want of course

[8:05 pm] y/n: omg srsly??

[8:06 pm] jungwon: pls help me study my braincells are literally dying

[8:07 pm] jungwon: jdsjkda okay how about this saturday at your place?

[8:08 pm] y/n: yeah sure

[8:08 pm] jungwon: cool its a date then!

You blinked at Jungwon's message. A date? Wait, did Yang Jungwon just indirectly asked you out? Nah, nah. You were overthinking it. Yes, definitely overthinking. Don't kid yourself, why would Jungwon ask you out on a date? Jungwon is just a friend, you tried to convince yourself.

Keyword: tried.

If he really was just a friend, then why did it felt like butterflies were in your stomach when he said "it was a date"? Then why did you frowned when those girls said that Wonyoung and Jungwon would make a good couple?

Oh god, do you have feelings for your best friend?

Saturday came faster than you would have liked it to. Ever since that last chat with Jungwon, it gave you the sudden realisation that you did in fact had feelings for your best friend. You tried so hard to avoid him in school because you don't want the butterflies back in your stomach. It was basically confirming the fact that you like him. Well, avoiding him also confirmed the fact but you choose to be in denial about it.

You didn't tell Wonyoung about your study date but lately she's been sending you outfit ideas on Pinterest. Specifically, date outftis. And whenever you tried to ask her a question about school, she brushed you off with a random excuse. So it left you no choice but to save those questions for Jungwon.

Speaking of Jungwon, he had texted you 10 minutes ago that he was on the way. You were standing in the middle of your room with your hands on your hips. Both of your parents were out for the day, which left you alone at home. You had taken out the low table to be used later and it was currently in front of you. Colourful workbooks were neatly stacked on top of it.

You did a 360 turn around your room. Was it messy? You cleaned it this morning when you woke up. Did you had any clothes out? No, doesn't look like it. For some reason, you were a nervous wreck. You blamed Jungwon. He just had to call this a date, didn't he.

Should you change? Maybe you should finally look through all those pins Wonyoung sent. Wait, no, why would you have to change into something nice. Jungwon was here to help you study, just that.

Yeah, a study date, your mind emphasised on the word.

The sound of the doorbell pulled you out from your thoughts. You immediately went to open the door. Yang Jungwon stood there on the other side, with his signature smile. Had he always resembled a sheep? He just looked so fluffy.

"Hey!" You greeted him with a smile, internally wincing at your way-too-enthusiastic voice.

But Jungwon didn't seem to mind it. "Hey!" he greeted back.

You moved to the side to let him in. "Thank you for having me," he said as he bowed then proceeded to remove his shoes.

"Uh, do you want anything? Water?" You asked him.

He shook his head.

"Ah, cool. Let's head to my room," you started to walk back to your room.

"Where are your parents?" He asked.

"Out," you simply replied.

That was when it dawned upon you, that your parents were not home. Leaving you and Jungwon, alone. Together. In your room. Alone. With the boy you potentially have a crush on.

"Y/N?" Jungwon tapped on your shoulder. You had stopped walking when you were suddenly washed over by your thoughts. Snapping out of it, you sent him a small smile before opening the room to your door.

The both of you shuffled into your bedroom, you sat down in front of the low table while Jungwon settled down next to you. He moved to take out his books then turned to you. "How about we do some studying and if you have any questions, you can ask me okay?" He said.

You nodded and flipped your own workbook open, immediately starting to work on the first question. Jungwon copied your action and a comfortable silence engulfed the both of you. As the time passed, you found yourself stuck on a certain maths question.

You slightly turned your head to the side to look at Jungwon. He was concentrated at doing his work, you felt a sense of deja vu while looking at him. He resembled Wonyoung when she was studying. At the thought of Wonyoung, you suddenly thought of what those girls said at the bathroom.

They would make a good couple, wouldn't they, you thought. The power couple of the year.

The butterflies in your stomach faded away into an uncomfortable feeling. Just the idea of them getting together already made you sick. You bit the inside of your cheek, you really did had feelings for him. And now it scared you because what if he doesn't feel the same. You made a mental note to consult with Wonyoung later, at least you hope that you'll allow yourself to tell her.

Jungwon must've noticed you staring and gently tapped your head with his pencil. A contrast to when Wonyoung painfully flicked your forehead.

"What's wrong? Are you stuck on a question?" He asked.

You leaned back a bit at the sudden action. You were so deep in your insecurities that you had totally forgotten about the literal problem sitting in front of you. Yet you couldn't even bother to ask him so you just shook your head. "I'm gonna get something to drink," you said instead.

Jungwon watched as you stood up, then decided to follow you as well. "I'll come along."

The boy joined you in the kitchen, perched on one of the island stools as you grabbed a can of soda from the fridge. He studied your movement as you worked around the kitchen. Your features were neutral, you weren't smiling nor frowning. But he could tell that your shoulders were tensed. Wonyoung was right, you did seem down. And he cursed himself for not noticing earlier.

"You okay?" His question made you stopped in a mid-pour stance, the can of soda was tilted but not enough for the contents to be poured out.

You brushed his question off and poured the drink into the cup. "Yeah," you hummed.

Unconvinced by your answer, he pried more. "You know you shouldn't care about what they say, right?"

You furrowed your eyebrows at him, pretending like you didn't understand where he was coming from.

"You're not below us, you know that right?"

You couldn't help but scoffed at his words. Jungwon's lips tugged downwards "I'm being serious here, Y/N," his tone was stern. "You shouldn't listen to what they say. You're more than just-"

The sound of the can being slammed down shuts him up. Your fingers tightened around the can as you looked at him. You didn't had the energy to hear him preach the same old "Don't Listen To Them" speech. You don't need his pity.

"I don't want to hear it, Yang Jungwon," you said through gritted teeth. Not sparing him another glance, you threw the empty can into the trash as you grabbed your glass.

As you walked past Jungwon, he suddenly reached out and held onto your forearm. "Y/N," he said softly. "Please tell me what's wrong."

You sighed and slowly turn around to face him, placing the glass back on the counter. You took in a deep breath before you opened your mouth. "I feel like I'm not enough," you finally said. "Everything I do just doesn't seem enough. All I'm doing is my best but it's just crushing my ego because everyone is telling me that you're better than me."

"I feel like no one wants me and I hate the way I'm perceived. It's always poor Y/N this and poor Y/N that's because everyone just sees me as your shadow and I fucking hate it. I only have two real friends," you gestured wildly. "And lately I'm a nervous wreck cause I keep comparing myself to the two of you. I'm not cool and I'm not smart, and I can't even parallel park!" You threw your hands up in frustration, the feelings you kept inside were pouring out like a waterfall.

Jungwon just stood there as he listened tentatively to every word. He didn't knew that you felt this way, bottling up all your emotions like that.

"And I'm so tired of people telling me to enjoy my youth and that these are the golden years. I might just fucking cry if I hear those words again," you finished ranting. It felt good, it felt like a weight on your heart has been lifted. Then you remembered that you just dumped all of it on Jungwon.

You opened your mouth to apologise to him but he surprised you by pulling him into his arms. At first you were standing stiffly at the sudden contact, but it took a millisecond for you to melt in his embrace. His arms were gently around your back and you returned the hug by wrapping your arms around his torso. The two of you stay in that position for awhile, relishing in each other's embrace. You definitely needed this hug.

Tightening your hold on Jungwon, you realised how important he was to you. He was your best friend and he was always there for you. It was stupid of you to compare yourself to him, when all he did was tried his best for you. The taller boy chuckled when he felt you rubbed your face into his shoulder, he involuntarily released a contented sigh. You felt one of his hands stroked your hair, it felt comforting. That action itself was enough for the butterflies to slowly settled back in you.

After a while, both of you finally (unwillingly) released each other. He pushed a strand of hair behind your ears and said, "You're wrong by the way." Which made you tilt your head in genuine confusion.

"You are cool and you are smart. You're like the coolest person I know. And no one thinks of you as our shadow, you don't hear it but I've always hear the juniors praising you for helping them and how enthusiastic you are," the way he delivered his words was filled with pure awe for you.

"And who cares if you can't parallel park. You didn't hear it from but Jay hyung failed his drivers test three times just because he couldn't parallel park," and that got a laugh out from you. Jungwon smiled proudly that he managed to make you laugh. "And you're wrong when you said no one wants you. I want you."

You blinked once, twice and thrice. He wanted you? "You're just saying that cause you're my best friend," you replied.

"No," he firmly said. "I like you, Y/N."

(Jungwon doesn't know where he got this sudden surge of confidence, but the mood was the perfect time for him to confess. It was a one time chance and he had to take it.)

You chuckled. "I like you too, Jungwon. We are friends aren't we?"

"No, Y/N. I like you. More than friends."

"Oh." Oh.

"Yeah," he scratched the back of neck awkwardly. Oh no, did you not feel the same way?

While you on the other hand, were malfunctioning on the inside. Your best friend just confessed to you and you were frozen on the spot. Why couldn't he had done it over text instead. If he had done it over text, then you could've left the message unread and you could've spammed Wonyoung for help. But the thing is that it wasn't over text and you couldn't just tell him to wait here while you panicked to Wonyoung in your bathroom.

Yang Jungwon likes you. And you like him too, right? Because if you didn't, your cheeks won't be heating up right now and your heart would have not be beating rapidly like it was going to break your rib cage any second. If you didn't like him, there would have never been butterflies in your stomach. Yeah. You like Yang Jungwon, you like him a lot.

"Me too," you whispered, it was soft but it was enough for him to pick it up. Jungwon eyes snapped to you, doe eyed filled with hope. "I like you, too," you said, this time louder. And you made sure you looked him in the eye when you confessed.

You watched as Jungwon's mouth morphed into a big grin. He let out a sigh of relief and dropped to his knees, surprising you. "Jungwon!" you squeaked, bending down to help him.

"I'm fine! I'm fine," he assured you as he stood up with your help. The grin on his face was still there. "It's just that … you like me," he breathed out. "You like me back, wow. I-I can't believe it."

Your face was definitely burning with embarrassment. You punched him lightly on the shoulder, turning away to hide your face. "Believe it, you dork. I like you, okay!" Somehow his grin was able to grew wider at your words, Gently, he took your hand in his.

"How about we stop this study date, and I'll take you out on real date?"

© chaeryybomb 2021

a/n: thank you so much for reading this <3

[yeoldontknow]

❧ check in tag

tagged by the sweetest angel @propinqxity to do this little tag. this is such a cute list of questions, and some of these i dont think ive been asked before. thank you so much for the tag and the tumblr crush mention lovely. you truly are a bright spot on this website and i mean that sincerely <333

going under a cut because im certain i will ramble ~

1. Why did you choose this url?

its sort of like a pun between yall dont know and the fact that, hopefully, sincerely, chanyeol does not in fact know that i run this blog lmao i changed to this after a long time of being bread-jinie and i wanted to rebrand. i will, however, do my best to never change URLs again because the masterlist switch over was a complete hassle

2. Any sideblogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them

i have a fic recs blog called @yeoldontknowiread. as to why i have it, i know it hasnt been updated in ages since ive been kind of on hiatus, but i think reading and sharing work on this platform is immensely important. i actually read quite a lot of fanfiction, and i try my best to share the things i read. im very very behind on recs at the moment cause i try my best to write something substantial for every recommendation i make. as a writer, i know exactly the kinds of thoughts and feedback on fics that make my heart soar so i try to put in the same energy to my recs. community is only fostered when there is reciprocation

3. How long have you been on Tumblr?

hmmm since april 2017. i actually had my 4 year anniversary this year and i did have plans for things but i got roped into real life things and couldnt celebrate the way i truly wanted to :(

4. Do you have a queue tag?

no but sometimes i think i should. i view tags as a library on top of my knee jerk response to things. most of my tags are just my initial thoughts or feelings at any given moment, so those take precedence over a specific queue tag

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

when i was getting into exo, i was reading fanfiction like crazy. i used to write fanfic quite a lot in other fandoms, but at that time i hadnt written anything in about 2.5 years. exo was the first re-introduction to that feeling of excitement and inspiration. after about 3 weeks of straight reading, i decided i wanted to write again. i wrote the prologue to hero in about two hours and tried logging into AO3 to post it. sadly i forgot all of my log in information because it had been years, and was getting frustrated. i really wanted to put it somewhere out of fear that id lose interest if i didnt do something with it, and everything id read had been on tumblr. so i made a tumblr just to put hero lmao i didnt have any mutuals. it was a blog with straight 0. i hadnt even created an account to interact with writers before that moment, i really thought id be a silent reader forever. but exo woke me back up and for that i am eternally grateful.

6. Why did you choose your icon?

the yours music video is...so stunning? like the colour theory throughout the whole thing is truly so inspiring and gorgeous. and this shot of chanyeol looking at the painting took my breath away, truly. tulips and the color of peach, like do you know how evocative that is? ugh

7. Why did you choose your header

my header was made by @jamaisjoons for my birthday this year because shes literally the most talented person when it comes to graphics. and this was so kind of her to do, i cried a lot

8. What's your post with the most notes?

uhm....either the body through time or truth i cant remember which but i checked recently and its one of those

9. How many mutuals do you have?

honestly at this point im not even sure. i know ive lost a bunch while i was on hiatus because i was basically a dead blog, and some people do dash cleanses. and im certain others have left, too, for their own reasons. still, i have a good core of friends though who are active and that is enough for me

10. How many followers do you have?

more than i probably deserve

11. How many people do you follow?

399

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

uhm i guess? there was a time when nng was not updated and every wednesday id post the days go by music video in sadness and grief but im not a big shitposter. if i make a text post its usually a life update or me crying about chanyeol, theres no inbetween lmao

13. How often do you use Tumblr every day?

tbh i havent used tumblr that often, not since march i think. i used to use it many times a day, checking in on friends and stuff, but once i started focusing on my phd applications i was only here sporadically. i didnt make an announcement either, just let my blog run on queue so i wasnt totally gone. i think i was checking in twice a week or maybe once every two weeks to refill my queue and check mentions etc. but now that my interviews are done im trying to get back on here daily to reconnect

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?

ive had my share of disagreements with people and any details about those situations shall remain as they are meant to: private

15. How do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?

in what context? like, you need to reblog this or your wish wont come true? or like, please reblog this to spread the word/spread awareness, etc? in the case for the former, i scroll right by. in the case of the latter, if im around and see someone raising a go fund me or some major event is occurring and i find a post with good sources or charities i will reblog. mostly though, the full extent my activism isnt really on this blog. its my escape from reality. my activism is usually placed on other platforms.

16. Do you like tag games?

i doooo!!! theyre so fun i love learning about my friends

17. do you like ask games?

i love those too! theyre so cute and usually a nice way to have interaction immediacy with people in the community

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

no one. can we please abandon this notion of fame on tumblr? arent we all here to write about some dick and some smut and some fluff and then hang out together and log off? lmao tumblr isnt reality and followers/fame is so arbitrary on this platform, no one has any control over any of it

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

i am in love with so many people here. let me name a few:

@yehet-me-up @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @j-pping @jamaisjoons @inkedtae @kookdiaries @yoonia @dulcetvk @kithtaehyung @imdifferentshadesofpurple @ditzymax @sugaurora @sahmbtsficrecs @junghelioseok @yeojaa @augustbutwinter @joonscore @btssavedmylifeblr @cutechim @sunshinekims @kimtaehyunq @ouvuo @delhyun @exo-stentialism @sooibian @softyoongiionly @jinseunie @zibermuda @bratkook @1kook @luffles424 @xjoonchildx

and so many other people and mutuals that i am certainly forgetting. love is such an expansive feeling, and it encompasses platonic ardor and creative desire. i admire every single person listed for so many different reasons, and cherish and treasure them or what they provide to the community. love is such an important and broad experience. truly, i hope they feel adored every single day x

[alwaysanotherrainbow]

my boyfriend never texts first

Remus just wants to not be the first one to send a message every once in a while. That’s not too much to ask, right?

relationship: romantic remrom, background remy and emile (also romantic)

warnings: major character death, extended mourning (secondary warnings- brief discussion of religious holidays, brief underage drinking mention, a lot of all-caps) notes: unrelated, human, hs/college au. virgil, emile, and remy are here too. If you need anything in the secondary warnings (or one of those latter three characters) edited out, please let me know and I can put that up for you!

____________________________________________________

Remus always texted him first. Always. It didn’t matter the situation, didn’t matter the time date place name face. Who what when where why. It first started when he texted hi roman :) when they first got phones; for whatever reason, Roman just never texted first. Either he’d call or they’d talk in person.

No matter. Remus could cope.

May 1:

8:37 PM tody i saw you by my locker 8:39 PM *today 8:42 PM why didnt you say hi?

May 2:

9:30 PM a teacher talked to me today 9:30 PM wanted to talk about how i’m doing after 9:52 PM well you know. he’s a sick bastard

Really, it wasn’t too much to ask for, was it? He just wanted to see him text first once in a while! May 7:

3:32 PM: by the way idk if you got this last time 3:36 PM: my class ring size is the medium 3:44 PM: hopefully you order it by the deadline :P 4:03 PM: no idea when the deadline is 4:20 PM: bLAZE IT 4:24 PM: sorry i have like 0 money so i got it from the consignment shop 4:31 PM: i hope you like synthetic rubies!! leaving them with ur dad 10:40 PM: update. i cried for four hours with your dad.

June 2:

7:30 AM: gRaDuAtIoN dAy!!! 7:32 AM: there’s cookies in the reception menu 7:35 AM: snickerdoodles your favorite [eyes] 10:02 AM: i’m getting some for u 10:05 AM: [kissy face] 7:40 PM: the announcement was Weird 7:43 PM: anyways i have the snickerdoodles (Remus couldn’t go over to where Roman was staying, so he left them in the living room. He knew Roman would appreciate them. Hopefully he’d come over (wait, probably not, given...))

Well, actually, he could understand why he never texted first. June 11:

12:14 PM: roMAN 12:16 PM: [Attachment: Remus_Picani-Kleitman_Acceptance_Letter.pdf] 12:18 PM: YEAHHHH 12:24 PM: I’m sure you got in too SEND ME YOURS WHEN YOU GET IT 12:32 PM: WE MIGHT SHARE A ROOM YEA 12:35 PM: [Attachment: celebration.jpg]

Everyone was probably saying that he ought to just move on, but to be honest, he couldn’t... Actually, to be honest, no-one had told him to move on to his face yet. In fact, everyone was surprised he was doing so well, given how bad the circumstances were! The situation was stressing him out so much, even his dads were gently advising him to rethink things. (Well, that was part of the territory with one of them being a therapist and the other being a barista.)

“I got y’all some kouign-amann from the cafe,” said Dad, putting it down on the counter. His shirt had SLEEP scrawled on it with a Sharpie; it was the one that Remus had made for him as a joke. He still wore it. Huh.

“Sweetie, what’s a queen amahn?” asked Papa.

“It’s a... er, it’s like a... this is kinda like a croissant that had dreams of a muffin tin and salted caramel. One for you, babe.... then one for Doodlebug-”

“Can I leave some for Roman?” asked Remus.

They exchanged a glance.

“Of course you can,” said Papa with a smile. “Your candle’s on the table. Also, I got the news about being accepted into university? Good job, kiddo. You know, that was your father’s alma mater.”

“Are you sure you want to go to school right away after...? No problem taking a gap year.”

Papa glared at Dad. “Be nice.”

“I’m sorry, Remus, it’s just...” Dad put down his coffee. “If you’re not ready, if you need more time-”

"I’m sure,” said Remus with a grin, trying to get rid of what he just remembered. “Trust me.”

“Please find a good way to put away the snickerdoodles, they’ve been there since last week!” shouted Papa.

June 12:

12:12 AM: its twelve twelve make a wish 12:15 AM: hey when does your phone bill go out? 12:20 AM: im just saying that would Explain some things 12:22 AM: i know your dad pays Everything like a year in advance 12:34 AM: tell him i say hi 12:34 AM: 12:34 MAKE A WISH

July 12:

3:30 PM: guess who’s a double major in bio and theatre!! 3:32 PM: marine biology babey 3:53 PM: it’s good for the SOUL 4:04 PM: this cute octopus reminded me of you by the way 4:10 PM: [Attachment: for_roman]

August 14:

6:24 PM: moving in is the Worst 6:32 PM: by the way i got a single 6:35 PM: no roommates 6:41 PM: still have the bunk tho 6:44 PM: also got ur favorite pillo

August 30:

2:12 AM: roman it is like two o’clock in the morning what the Heck are you doing here, 2:15 AM: if u see me wave Hi 2:32 AM: ok >:c 2:42 AM: dont mind Me just studyin on top of the planetarium 3:15 AM: tbh i didn’t even know we go to the same campus? haven’t seen you around or anything 3:17 AM: shit phones gonna di

September 28:

2:20 PM: i failed my test 2:22 PM: idk what to d 2:24 PM: *do

September 29: 7:30 PM: remember that octopus you gave me that eats negative emotions? 7:32 PM: it works!!

October 3:

1:10 PM:  You’d like the theatre program, really 1:15 PM: just so u know they’ve listed your name as an ‘honorary member of the class of’ 1:19 PM: that’s really nice of them. idk if your dad knows

October 23:

9:45 AM: i had to explain one of our inside jokes 8( 9:52 AM: i can’t Explain the deodorant thing that was One Time 9:55 AM: also why i’m called The Duke 9:56 AM: its bc you said it. not my fault 9:58 AM: its still cute pls call me that still 9:59 AM: pancake brunch pancake brunch pancake brunch October 31: 6:12 PM: sun’s down! joyous samhain 6:15 PM: i remember when you sewed me that octopus btw, the one that eats ucky feelings 6:19 PM: how long did it take you to get the laurel sachet into it?? 6:34 PM: also thank you thank you thank you for helping me find a friendly church to celebrate all saints day 6:47 PM: that year was a NIGHTMARE because you forgot to get your white candles and carnelian, and i forgot my holy water, so we were driving around town like Madmen 6:59 PM: it was worth it though 7:03 PM: i left you a script, i think you’ll like it.

November 9:

11:19 PM: i miss you so so much.

November 10:

12:20 AM: ignor this i drank like 12:24 AM: a lot 1:15 AM: i’m sorry i should’ve been with you 1:22 AM: i shouldve been there With You. 1:45 AM: but i wasn’t 2:20 AM: i didn’t know thered be a 4:11 PM: shit i just saw these. Sorry to bother you December 2:

10:10 AM: hey roman, been a bit. yea sorry about last time. too much of the Alcohol 10:13 AM: gonna go over to my parents’ house 1:00 PM: if you wanna come over, you can. dad’s making snickerdoodles and papa’s gonna watch atla (yes i still have that dvd you got me do not @ me it’s with your candles on your table just like everything else) 1:03 PM: that was on the dot, i’m happy.

December 21

8:34 AM: hey, it’s snowing 9:13 AM: couldn’t help leaving you some hot cocoa. and snickerdoodles of course 10:12 AM: i love you Remus went to go help his dads with making breakfast, but by the time everyone was done cleaning and they had finished watching some shitty Hallmark movie, he remembered that he had left his phone upstairs. Going upstairs and looking at it, he felt something in him break.

[2 Unread: Roman <3, bf’s dad]

10:22 AM, Roman <3: Why are you texting this number? 11:15 AM, bf’s dad: Remus, disregard that last, I’m so sorry. I just found his phone and I saw only the recent message first

The phone started ringing. Remus answered it as quickly as he could.

“I’m so sorry Mr. Sanders I didn’t know that someone was actually getting these messages I thought the line was out,” he said within a few seconds before the person on the other side sighed.

“No, it’s quite all right. And Virgil’s all right, by the way, if you prefer. I... I was just looking through his things for the first time. You know, it being a holiday and all... Memories, things like that.”

“Yeah, I understand.”

“I just turned the phone back on, I’m getting a lot of messages.”

“Oh.” Remus stared at the wall, trying to come to terms with everything. “Well, I--”

“I’m not going to stop paying for his phone. I’m sorry, I just... I still have his voicemails on it, and I can’t stand the thought of it going offline either.”

“Right, I... I listen to it too.”

“I happened upon the last one he sent to you.”

“You looked at the messages?”

“I only looked over when I stopped getting new ones, but I saw the last question he sent you. For your ring size.”

“Yeah? He asked my ring size so that he could--”

“There’s no easy way to say this, but.. I found something of his. Can you come over?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t, but can you please tell me what it was? Please?”

“I really think I should tell you this in person.”

“Please, Mr. Sanders. Please, I... I can’t manage that.”

He sighed. “All right, Remus. I found an early acceptance letter to SJAU, and... and a ringbox.”

Remus felt his grasp on the phone grow weak. It fell onto the bed, Mr. Sanders’ voice still clear.

“I think he was going to ask for you to....”

“No, we... We were just out of high school, I-- that doesn’t make sense.”

“He always was one for those romantic gestures. There’s some poems here, too. A life-plan. I’m not sure exactly what malacology is, but--”

“Mollusks. Like octopi and squids.. Sorry for cutting you off, what was that?”

“Some of it’s in your handwriting, but one of the entries is ‘ask him’, for the day after... you know.”

God, he could hear his sad smile through the phone. He knew exactly how Mr. Sanders looked right now just talking to him, probably wearing that hoodie that was too big on him, in a dusty room full of things that used to belong to the most vibrant person that Remus had ever met.

But then Roman had died.

He was the most wonderful person, and he had just died.

“I’ll come over to deliver the ring to you. Is that okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s... that’s fine. Uh, call my dads first, though. They’re still not convinced I’m doing okay.”

“I understand. I’ll talk to you later, Remus.”

“Thank you, Mr. Sanders.”

The line went dead in his hands.

Remus held himself and wept.

December 28:

12:30 PM, Remus Picani-Kleitman: Mr. Sanders, would you like to come over for our New Year’s party? 12:34 PM, Remus Picani-Kleitman: It’s a tradition we had. You don’t have to if you’d rather not. 12:45 PM, Virgil Sanders: I’d love to go.

January 1:

12:00 AM: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! 12:05 AM: [Attachment: :)] 12:07 AM: we are all smiling in this photo and for that i think we deserve a hug. 12:10 AM: this rings the most beuatifl thing i’ve ever fuckign seen. thank you,, 12:14 AM: never gonna get rid of it <3 12:16 AM: it looks Good on my finger 12:30 AM: jsyk your dad’s asking my dads for the kouign amann recipe 12:32 AM: thats a pastry, i left those for u a while back 12:39 AM: okay i’m crying a bit but honestly, i love u 12:44 AM: I love you so so so much, Roman

Somewhere out there, whether it was from some wonderful paradise or beyond the veil or even only in wishful thoughts, Remus knew that someone was saying I love you too.

[yousodopedontoverdose]

STORY OF ME AND TAYLOR

TOKYO NIGHT 2 

Hey The One And Only Taylor Swift,

My Name is Yap Teck Loong I’m 18 and from Malaysia , I’m going to the last tour of the rep tour which is Tokyo night 2 VIPSS . It’s my first show and i can’t believe I manage to travel to Tokyo and watch Taylor live , when Reputation was announce I said to myself that I must watch Taylor live this era and I’m so happy I made it .

Let’s walk down the memory lane 

A couple years back where I still in high school ,  me and my best friend had a terrible fight that we never talk to each other for almost 2 years … After everything settle , I decided to step a move to be friend with him again .. at that time it’s the time where 1989 released. I knew he was a swiftie and he went to the Red Tour in KL so I bought him an 1989 album and he was super happy and shocked, at that time i started to fall in love to Taylor and we became super best buddies. When we first heard look what you made me do , we both promise each other to go for the album launch party together and we did . We dance along and sing along to all of the song and have lots of fun , but unfortunately he cannot manage to go to any of the tour in this era.

Last 2 years was really difficult in my life , no one trusted me , but all your music had became the best companion to me , when I wanted to give up  , I listen to your music and I feel every single words of the lyrics  , I was transferred from a high school to a home school and I got depression and anxiety at the same time , I even need to take medication  at that time . At once I just felt like ending my life , but I didn’t …. 1989 was really special to me because 1989 has gone through a lot for me , from happiness to sadness and i really cant believe what will i am now if 1989 was not there.

I really want to thank Taylor for inspiring me to  be a better person, I always remember Taylor said  You Are Not The Opinion Of Someone Who Doesn’t Know You and I will not forgot this . If Taylor was not here , I don’t know what will my life will be at this moment , i don’t know how will I stand up from where I fall and be a normal human again. Taylor has a huge impact to my life , and i will always stand by her no matter what happen. Taylor is a strong , generous and down to earth person which is why I want to be as the same as her as while . She a role model to me.

I always want to see Taylor live  . At first , my mum doesn’t allowed me to go as the ticket price was quite high , at the same time that she only allowed me to choose to watch Taylor Swift live or get a new MacBook pro , I didn’t even think twice I said i want to watch Taylor live and i never regret of my selection. But, my mum still got me a MacBook at the end and I’m so thankful for it.

I met a lot of swifties through the internet and we became really best friends , we have a group chat and we named it The Caticorn League. We became close friends and we support each other and we talk about our life and literally anything . Im really grateful that i met them . We want to give back to every swifties so one of our group members came up with a project name Operation 13 . Basically , we are going to come up a magazine that includes fan letters , story , arts , poems and more and we really hope to pass it to you on your next tour.

Its still so hard and I really can’t believe Im seeing you soon Taylor , I will be at VIP SS Night 2 Tokyo , screaming all the lyrics and dancing all around ,having the best time in my life ,  i have been waiting this for years ! I will bring along my Fujifilm Instax along to capture this moment and i cant wait to receive mine too and share all the polaroids with you !!   I really can't thank @taylorswift enough for what she has done for me . 49 DAYS TO GO AND I CANT WAIT FOR IT !!

-Yap , xoxo

 Venue : Tokyo Dome

Date : 21 Nov 2018 

From Malaysia >>>> Tokyo

Seat : VIP SS  A31 Row 7 Seat 4

@taylorswift , @taylornation

Idea Behind Tour Outfit :

A white shirt full with dope words to match my tumblr handle yousodopedontoverdose

A Denim Jacket to match with it

I’m so sorry to not have a better outfit idea 😖😖

[huangfilms]

Prince!Mark

Day Nine: The five times you/i wanted to say i love you but it didn’t happen + the one time it did

↳ requested by: a sweet,,, sweet,,,,,,,, anon,,,,,,, i Love This im crying  ❤️❤️

↳ warnings/word count: fluff? small amount of sad if u squint / 3081 words

↳ side note: wow this! is! the! end! i can’t believe this! hopefully this makes sense to you all ! i love you all! thank you all for requesting! im in awe because i finished my series! i never thought i could do it but! here i am! anyway i am so thankful for you all, you all mean a lot to me i love you! until next time again queens! (which might be VERY soon! ;) )

↳ writing challenge masterlist

↳ masterlist

the first time you met mark was when you were merely a toddler. sticking by your mother and barely wobbling on your feet by yourself. your parents were all close friends, them having children at the same time an accident, but nonetheless pushed a friendship onto the both of you.

‘y/n, i want you to meet your new friend. his name is mark,’ your mother cooed at you. the first meeting made you feel shy, hiding behind your moms legs, you gave her an unsure look and then glanced at the boy in front of you. he stared back at you with big, doe eyes and you immediately looked away.

‘come on baby, you gotta say hi to mark.’ somehow, your mom coaxed you to leave the safe space behind her legs and had you say hi to him. you stuck your hand out cutely and announced that- ‘hi! my name is y/n!’ little baby mark jumped at the loud announcement, but smiled at you and took your hand.

the blubbering boy with the chubby cheeks was someone you never thought you would call your best friend when you were seven. you two were attached at the hip, always found playing together in the gardens, eating together, playing pranks on your older siblings together.

you and mark giggled quietly from a far corner in the castle, waiting for your victim to walk into your prank. this time, you two decided on taping the bottom portion of the doorway, so when they stepped they would get caught.

‘mark! laugh quietly, i think someone is coming,’ you whispered to him. he laughed once more before he zipped his mouth shut and buried his face into your shoulder to muffle his laughs. before you knew it, there was a step and then nothing. no scream, no groan, just steps. you and mark shared a confused look, but was then replaced by a look of surprise to find his older brother, taeyong, looking down at you guys.

‘and what are you two little monsters up to now?’ he crouched down to your level, smiling in the process. looking over at mark, you both nodded your heads.

‘nothing!’ you both shouted, already getting up and sprinting away from him.

when you were twelve years old, you two were absolutely inseparable. always traveling together, sneaking out to stargaze. you two gossiped about everything and everything, always having sleepovers. when you had to leave to your palace you always begged your parents to let you stay one more day. you never wanted to leave his side.

‘but mom! just one more night!’ you pleaded, already getting onto your knees. your mother chuckled, ‘y/n, you have your lessons on mannerism tomorrow morning. you can’t just skip out on them bub.’ she ran her fingers through your hair, ‘i’ll tell you what, you can have mark come over this weekend for a sleepover.’ she saw how your face lit up, then told you to say goodbye to mark.

‘i’ll see you this weekend, mark!’ you yelled. he replied with an ‘okay’ and waved at you a little sadly.

you were sixteen when mark told you he was going to be arranged in a marriage to another neighboring kingdom.

‘oh,’ was your only response. you weren’t sure how to feel about all of this.

‘oh? what’s that supposed to mean?’ he says. you give him a glance, finding an emotion you couldn’t quite place.

‘oh, meaning, i don’t know what to say? i just- do you want this mark?’ you asked quietly. he shrugs. ‘i don’t want to let my family down,’ he says. you end the conversation there, unsure of what to say.

it took you two weeks to figure out that you were in love with your best friend. when you saw him with another, you felt the green monster come at you like a slap in the face.

one.

it’s been weeks since mark told you about being married when he was older. he’s been disconnected, always with the neighboring princess. it was always a, ‘sorry, my parents scheduled a dinner with her family and mine, rain check?’ or a simple, ‘i can’t, i’ve got plans with the princess, maybe next time?’

there was never a next time.

you thought that it was finally time to tell mark your feelings. you knew that it would create complications, it could ruin your friendship, he could reject you, and every other bad outcome you’ve thought about. but you just had to do it. He needed to know before it was too late.

so you went to go and find him.

you looked throughout his palace, asking around the maids and the palace workers, looked in your secret spot (which wasn’t that much of a secret anymore). you couldn’t find him anywhere.

‘mark, where are you?’ you said to no one in particular. you trudged down the wide hallway, looking at all of the paintings, pictures, banners, decorations. you just needed a small sign of him. going out of the gates, you looked through the garden to find him on a bench by himself, gazing up at the stars.

you made your steps a little louder to avoid scaring him, mark turned around at the noise and flashed you half-smile. ‘hey y/n.’ he patted the seat next to him and looked at you expectantly.

‘can i tell you something? promise you won’t freak out?’ you say shyly. you don’t know how you were going to do this, thoughts were rushing in and out of your mind. you just had to say it, you opened your mouth to start and then-

ring.

‘oh, one second,’ he glanced at the caller id, ‘it’s the princess, it’ll only be a minute,’ he smiles and then answers the phone. he gets up and goes a few feet away from you, ‘yes?’

‘right, the princess,’ you mumble. turning away, you look all around you, and then up at the stars. ‘why me?’ you thought, ‘why do i have to suffer like this?’ in no time did you have mark sitting by your side again, ‘so what was it that you wanted to tell me?’

‘oh it was nothing, just forget about it,’ you smiled, ‘have a good night, mark.’ you got up, and then you left. mark looking at your retreating figure with confused eyes.

you could always tell him next time.

two.

you waited out a month before attempting to tell him again. currently, you were hanging out with mark at the village. you two were playing with a few kids, picking flowers, playing tag. you took a break to just watch the kids and mark with a fond look in your eyes.

you felt so much for him it was so hard to cope with the fact that he was to be married when you both turned 18. in 2 years. he needs to know, but you didn’t know how to tell him, yet again. mark looked over to where you were standing and waved you over with a grin on his face. you smiled back at him and decided it was now or never.

‘never doesn’t seem like a bad option,’ you thought to yourself.

‘mark, i need to te-’

‘prince mark, we need to be leaving soon for your plans with the princess,’ the guard says. you stopped in your tracks. mark looked up at you with an apologetic look.

‘i’ll be at the carriage soon, thank you,’ he replied to the guard. when he saw your face, he read an expression that he wasn't used to. ‘you were saying something, y/n?’ you snapped out of your trance, and just looked at him before flashing a big, fake smile.

‘it can wait, now go,’ you waved, ‘your princess awaits.’ he looked unsure to leave you, but he nodded and made his way to the carriage. when you were sure he was gone, you turned around and rubbed your temple.

‘never was a bad option,’ you sighed into the air.

three.

the saying, ‘third time’s a charm,’ was completely invalid.

you sat on a bench outside of the palace gates, looking at your surroundings. your silence was cut short when you heard your friend, whisper something to your other close friend.

‘why is y/n being an angsty teen?’ chenle asks. renjun shrugs for an answer, but his face quickly lights up, ‘it’s because they want to confess their love to their precious little prince ma-’ you quickly placed your hand over renjun’s mouth to prevent him from saying anything else.

‘i came to you in confidence about that!’ you laughed, ‘plus, i’m going to tell him today. i can feel it.’ your friends looked at you unsurely and just slowly nodded their heads at you.

chenle sighs, ‘well i hope you’re ready for that time to be now because here he comes!’ he pulls renjun up with him and runs the other way before you can say something back to him.

‘y/n!’ mark shouts, ‘what are you doing out here?’ he takes a seat next to you while you try come up with an excuse other than, ‘just waiting for you so i can tell you how much i love you.’

‘enjoying the nice air,’ you replied instead. ‘but anyway, i kind of wanted to tell you something, and it’s really important,’ you looked over at him to make sure he was listening. he gestured for you to continue. you took a deep breath-

‘mark! what are you doing out here! we were supposed to leave a few minutes ago for the gala!’

oh.

you smiled at the princess approaching you two, an angry look on her face and a glare sent your way. ‘who’s this, mark?’ she says.

‘this is y/n, we were kind of talking and they needed to tell me something important so can you wait, five minutes?’ mark pleads.

‘well they can say it to my face, too.’ the princess shot back. you quickly shook your head at the both of them, ‘no! no, it’s okay! you’re already late so just talk to me later, okay bye mark!’ you stood up abruptly and went to find renjun and chenle.

you were a blushing mess and decided to try again in a few months .third time's a charm really did sound fake at this moment.

four.

it’s been a little bit over a few months. does a few months still count when it’s been seven months? over time, you’ve slowly given up. your first three encounters really brought you down. maybe this was a sign that you shouldn’t tell him anything at all. you were currently laying on your bed, looking up at the ceiling, and avoiding all of your responsibilities.

‘your highness?’ someone called from outside your door, ‘there’s someone here to see you.’

you sigh out of frustration and shoved a pillow on your face. realizing you never gave an answer, you quickly pulled it off of your face, ‘tell them i’m busy please!’ you flipped yourself so you were laying on your stomach.

‘y/n, it’s mark,’ you jumped off of the bed out of surprise and walked to your door.

‘why are you here mark? i mean not that it’s bad that you’re here but it’s just a surprise? you don’t come over to see me anymore- and that’s fine! don’t get me wrong but just-’

‘just open the door,’ he laughs. you laugh quietly while unlocking the door, immediately being in a warm embrace. ‘woah, you okay there, mark?’ you nonetheless wrap your arms around his neck.

he sighed into your hair, ‘i haven’t seen you a while it just feels good to be with you.’ you blushed, but you both eventually let go of each other. ‘listen, mark i really need to talk to you.’

mark was confused when you suddenly became serious, ‘sure, i’m all ears.’ and then he smiled and suddenly you forgot what you were going to say. you froze on the spot, ‘i-i, um. i. forgot. sorry, wow, lets get some breakfast!’ you rushed to the dining hall, mark trailing behind with a confused look on his face.

confessing can wait, you just wanted to spend this time with him.

five.

‘y/n, let’s go! we’re going to the lee’s kingdom, don’t you remember?’ your mother called for you, waiting downstairs to leave.

‘yes! i remember! i’m going down now!’ you shut your door, and rushed down the stairs, careful not to trip on the stairs. you and your family placed yourselves into the carriage, waiting on the long trek to mark’s.

you looked out the window, hand in your palm, ‘penny for your thoughts, love?’ your dad asks. you jump in your seat, ‘it’s nothing,’ you smile, ‘just a little tired, is all.’

he looked doubtful of your answer but didn’t pray and just half-smiled at you. the carriage comes to a halt, and you see his palace out from the window. you exited out of the the carriage, looking around and just breathed in because you felt it.

you just knew you were going to tell him today. i mean, you had to. you dragged this out for so long, he was to be married in less than a year. you sighed at the thought, a frown placing itself on your face. you walked through the entrance, heaving a deep breath before you go and find mark. ‘y/n, we’re going to go up and have a talk with mark’s parents, you okay by yourself?’ your mom asks.

you nod at her with a smile, ‘i’ll try and find mark somewhere,’ and you wave them off. you walked in the opposite direction from your parents, going into the garden since that seems to be mark’s favorite place now.

‘listen, mom, i don’t think i can go through with this marriage,’ you heard.

‘and why not mark? we proposed this to you a year ago, why now, sweetie?’

there’s mark! you were about to round the corner when-

‘i love someone else, and i-’

you left. you didn’t understand? maybe he was talking about you?

no.

you didn’t want to get your hopes up. so you told your guard you were going to visit the village and maybe go home. sighing once again, you turned around and made your leave.

you don’t plan on confessing. ever.

plus one.

it’s the week before mark’s wedding. your mother dragged you everywhere to be fitted for an outfit that matched the theme and attire, but not so much that it would outshine the bride. ever since the day you heard that conversation, you waited and waited until there was an announcement to call off the wedding. but it never happened.

so here you were, fitting into another outfit for an event you didn’t want to attend to. you stood in front of the mirror, admiring the clothes, but you just couldn’t stand the fact that this was really happening.

‘mom, are we almost done?’ you asked politely. your mother looked up from her magazine and smiled at you, ‘yes, sweetie. did you need to be somewhere?’ you thought for a moment before answering, ‘chenle and renjun made plans earlier and they invited me.’ she nodded at you and went back to reading.

when you finished, you left to renjun’s kingdom, only a mere 1 hour travel. you arrived soon enough since you took a small nap in the carriage. stepping out, you thought you saw a familiar face but when you blinked, the figure was gone from your sight.

you took a deep breath and found renjun on the bench with-

‘mark?’ you whispered.

the two boys on the bench looked, ‘i’ll leave you two to talk,’ renjun says. ‘wa-’ you called, but he was already leaving.

he patted his hand on the empty seat next to him and gestured for you to sit. ‘i need to talk to you.’ he says. you’re suddenly very nervous, knowing mark, he’s never this serious. so you sit down next to him and wait for him to continue.

‘i called off the wedding,’ you look a him with wide eyes, ‘i called it off months ago. my parents haven’t made an announcement yet because i’m still get married just not to, well her.’

‘why did you call it off?’ you were hesitant, still unsure yourself if you wanted to know why.

‘i don’t love her, and i don’t want to marry someone i love.’

‘why are you still getting married? and to who?’ you felt your voice waver.

‘that’s what i wanted to talk to you about.’ he pauses, you watch him with baited breath. ‘we’ve been friends for a long while, yeah? we’ve known each other for our whole lives basically. it just took me a long time to realize what i truly felt for you. when we were sixteen, and when i first told you i was in an arranged marriage, i… i felt guilty. I felt like i was betraying you. I didn’t know exactly why back then, but now that we’re two years older i’ve realized something and it’s opened my eyes.’ he takes a deep breath.

‘what i’m trying to say, is that i love you.’ you felt your breath hitch, ‘i have loved you for a long time but i didn’t know it yet. so i told my parents and instead they want me, to get married.. to you- but! that’s only if you want to because i don’t even know if you feel that way about me and i didn’t really think-’

‘i love you, too.’ you say.

he stops and looks at you, a grin overtaking his face. ‘you do?’

you nod with a big smile, ‘i’ve been trying to tell you for months but it wasn’t ever such a great time. you always had plans with the princess or we always got interrupted. plus i was scared of rejection.’

he looks surprised. the next thing you knew, you saw mark leaning in, you meeting him halfway. you felt tingles in your body, warmth flourishing throughout your whole being. you wrap your arms around his neck, his around your waist. pulling away, you placed your forehead against his and closed your eyes.

‘say it again,’ you hear.

‘say what again?’

‘say that you love me, again.’

you pull back and look him straight in the eyes.

‘i love you.’

[himenation]

MONSTA X 2ND WORLDTOUR IN AMSTERDAM (LIVE REPORT) - AFAS 20.06.2018

This is a long live report containing things how I even became a fan, to the AMAAAAAZING (not) queue, setlist, live, m&g and random moments. All fan cams and fanpics are uploaded on my twitter which I linked in this post too!

I went to Monsta X’s 2nd Worldtour in Amsterdam this month! I started to get to know Monsta X during their Beautiful promotions and when I heard they would come to Europe the first time (in 2017), I was doubting whether I should go or not. I knew like 10 songs and another fan could go instead of me. It was not close anyway, so I decided to take part in the campaign for Amsterdam. For people who don’t know MMT. MMT is a fan dedicated promoter, in which you can request an artist to come to your city and if you have enough ‘makes’ (so points) they’ll talk with the artist. 

Anyways, I took part in the campaign in august 2017. Uni was about to start and I kinda forgot about the lives for a while. Until it was around the DRAMARAMA period (and their first win omg!), I followed them again; so after their MBC performance, I got a text message from MMT that they’re starting to talk to MONSTA X. At this point I would give this presale code to somebody else, but I didn't know when the actual concert was supposed to be so I waited. So while I was waiting for their JEALOUSY comeback, I started to watch their shows because I was bored and I LITERALLY FELL INTO THE FANDOM (and not just the music). I loved these guys so much? They were so precious and funny. I really wanted to see them live and regretted not going to the Beautiful Tour. So for their Jealousy comeback, I even bought The Connect; I texted every time they had a show and streamed their MVs so they could win another win (and they did!) (I've only done this for BTS before). So just around the time of the MV release, they announced they would be coming to AMSTERDAM. I was so happy. Flash forward to the ticket sale: I went to uni early, had a computer; laptop and my phone ready and immediately bought 2x VIP tickets!!

After counting down the days to the concert, I was finally here. I couldn't wait to hear Destroyer and Lost In the Dream live (My fav songs of the new album). Fans were allowed to queue from 11, but no-one seemed to listen to it :’) Every standing type had to get a wristband (VIP included). So I was kinda late and arrived at 12 , but my wristband number was 139. I quickly had sushi with my sister at ICHI-e and went to Starbucks (and a grocery store) to get some food and drinks for the queue. Just when we were about to leave the restaurant, I got a message from MMT that they messed up the wristband numbers for VIP and it was now FCFS (First Come first Serve). It was also the hottest day of the week, yippie :’)

Queue The queue was one big mess... Fans were incredibly rude and mean and staff didn’t do anything about it either. Girls were screaming at the security and talking very rudely, fans saying to each other ‘shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down’ (this is an actual phrase someone was screaming behind me). The venue staff gave us WATER IN A BUCKET and it wasn't until a monsta x staff came and gave everyone bottles. I also met two very sweet fansites! They gave out free stuff and were overall very sweet! They talked a lot to us and were next to us in the queue. We also met two friends who wanted to go to their friends, but since people were rude; my sis stopped them and they were next to us. Even though we were strangers, me and my sis shared our food and drinks with them. During the queue certain people started to push fans and we told them to stop and they started to fight with us??? and basically telling us ‘are you blind’ :)) (also they thought the fansites were Korean so they were all nice to them but shitty to other people, but the fansites turned out to be Chinese so these rude koreaboos were really boo boo the fools) at around 18:00 we were allowed to go inside but everyone started pushing each other so we were really stuck and could barely breathe. Once we were inside we had to wait another 2 hours and I was so tired, but wow I was 4th row!  Live I also made a big thread of Monsta X on my twitter. Fancams Fanpics Okay first of all, this group has no visual hole. THEY ARE ALL SO VISUALS I COULDNT BELIEVE MY EYES. Honestly they're so beautiful irl??????? Although I knew they were all handsome, I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw IM, Kihyun, Shownu and Hyungwon DAMN. 

The live was amazing, they kept playing DRAMARAMA, SHINE FOREVER and STUCK in the venue and we were so hyped! Once the live started; they all came in Swaroski Suits (they looked so expensive) singing Jealousy. The fan chants (at least in the VIP) were A M A Z I N G.  AAHHH I finally saw monsta x im sobbing. They then played Be Quiet (it’s one of my fav older songs) ;; and BEAUTIFUL IN SWAROSKI SUITS GUYSSSSSS. They didn't do the jacket dance since, yeah the jackets were pretty expensive HAHAHAH. Too bad.. They then had a long MC and started with Gravity and Tropical night (still wearing the suits). After changing their clothes (some kind of harness?)  they sung Crazy In love (finally a full version) and All In. The crowd really loved All In!!!!!!!! Then we had 20 minutes of solo stuff; the solo of Wonho, Minhyuk and Kihyun were my absolute favourite! It was so cute. The other solo’s were really good too!! The crowd died at Hyungwons and IMs solo though.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAH AFTER SOLO they sung From Zero (Seven member version) and oh my god Wonho looked so beautiful??? This song is so cute?? I can't remember much of Because of You im sorry ;; White love was really emotional, they didn't expect the banner project (1000days with monbebe) at all and really loved it. Rollercoaster was so cute live as well, they all pretended to sit in a rollercoaster lol. After they went off stage, the destroyer MV played AND I SCREAMED SO LOUD I WAS NOT READY, NO ONE WAS READY NO ONE! LITERALLY IM DEAD. But they bloody sung LOST IN THE DREAM and I was really lost in the dream, wow....... The vocals..... wow.. Im........................... it was so beautiful live. Guys, ive heard Kihyuns iconic high note (well a lot of people shouted OOOOFFFF BUT I STILL HEARD ONE OF MY FAV SONG I! CANT! BELIEVE!). Also very random to mention but Jooheon is one hell of a good performer, he was not even nervous and the stage was HIS BITCH, his rap and his stage aura are so mind-blowing.

I always joked they should play lost in the dream and destroyer after each other to let the fans die but they really did IT! The choreo of Destroyer was so good and fitted the song. In the beginning Wonho waved and gave a finger heart though... I was never a fan of Shine Forever, but It was so nice and also doing the fan chants! Rush is a song I used to skip but ooof, it was also very nice to hear. Monsta X really enjoyed singing Special too AND YESSSSSSSS FINALLYYYYYYY TRESPASS THE WHOLE CROWD WAS SO LIT WE ALL RAPPED ALONG AND IT WAS HONESTLY ONE OF THE BEST PERFORMANCES SO FAR IDGJKDSGS. They all positioned to the Dramarama pose and yes they did Dramarama!!!! but now the concert was about to end too :( Monsta X said they love Falling, Ive heard people say they love performing Falling and yes they REALLY LOVE FALLING. My heart was so full of uwu when I saw them performing falling, I love these babies so much :’). We showed them the banners during If Only again and Wonho, Minhyuk and Kihyun were really emotional and it was so sad to see this ending :( But I was about to meet these guys as well AAAAAAHHH. I dont know if it was Minhyuk or IM but one of them took of Wonho’s shirt lol and he threw it in a crowd. Before that they also took a group pic ;; tbh I wished they did Stuck and Hero as well, but overall I really loved the setlist so much.

Meet and greet Order: Wonho - Shownu - Kihyun - Minhyuk - Hyungwon - Jooheon - IM Usually when fans meet artist, fans are the ones talking to the artist but now Monsta X was rather talking to the fans, they were so sweet and they all had the most genuine and sweetest smile ever. The M&G was unfortunately very fast and I could only say  Wonho: I think he was still very sad and looked like he cried too but his hands are so soft ;; I thanked him and he nodded and gave a thumbs up lol Shownu: I knew it was his birthday in London so I told him a happy belated birthday ;; and he said thank you as well! Kihyun: ok, I may have said I love you instead of thank you AHHGHGHHGHAHAHG and yeah that was kihyuns reaction too he laughed and said thank you lol Minhyuk: He said thank you very much!! NO THANK YOUUU (while smiling so sweet) Hyungwon: Somehow he was very giggly but we both said thank you to each other!! Jooheon: We both said thank you to each other aaaaaahh IM: Since I barely had time (after hyungwon) I just told him thank you and he said the same ;; We then got a poster from the tour and the show was unforunately over :(( MMT announced a week before the concert there would be no merch so I didn't have a lightstick either so it was nice having a poster as a reminder (and the fans we got from the fansites ofc). Setlist (duration 2,5hours) 1. Jealousy 2. Be Quiet 3. Beautiful -- 4. Gravity 5. Tropical Night -- 6. Crazy in Love 7. All in -- 8. Wonho, Minhyuk, Kihyun - Neol Hada 9. Jooheon, Shownu - Versace on the Floor 10. Hyungwon, IM - Fake Love (Drake) 11. Hyungwon, IM - How long // another IM solo (not sure) -- 12. From Zero 13. Because of you 14. White Love 15. Rollercoaster -- 16. Lost in the dream -- 17. Destroyer 18. Shine forever -- 19. Rush 20. Special 21. Trespass -- 22. Dramarama *ENCORE* 23. Falling -- 24. If Only *Group pic*

Random moments -  They talked a lot of Dutch such as ‘I am...’, ‘I love you’, ‘I miss you’, ‘Fries with Mayo’. IM also wanted to say Sexy but he didn’t say Sexy and Jooheon said to erase our minds LMAO KSJKD he was so embarassed - In the beginning when Kihyun was talking about Hyungwon, Hyungwon looked at him and he kinda slapped away his face (Kihyun to Hyungwon) - Just before Crazy in Love, the group was devided into two to talk with fans (one group was changing their clothes) and Jooheon was doing a weird movement with his hand and was saying AY AY AY and the fans said it too, but then the other group came (Kihyun, Shownu, Hyungwon and Minhyuk) and they all looked honestly so confused and Kihyun was like ‘AY go change your clothes now’ and then Kihyun and Hyungwon were showing off their dance moves lol - Also during the live I started as the fourth row, but people behind me kept pushing and I was suddenly 2nd row and there is a higher place for the first row so my knees kept going on that and it hurted so much lmao - Shownu, IM and Jooheon went to Beyonce the day before and talked about how amazing it was (lmao fanboying on their own concert KAJDKSFJFS) and they also said we will make it possible for them to perform there one day ;;A;; - The day of the Amsterdam concert would be 1000 days with Monbebe we would show during If Only, but since London got cut off we weren't sure whether we would hear If Only and decided to do it during White Love. - Wonho, Minhyuk and Kihyun got teary at If Only - Their reactions to White love were so sweet :((  - Our group hyped up every member whenever they were close to us. Hyungwon, Kihyun and Wonho noticed us a lot lol. Hyungwon waved at us too ;; - During FALLING Kihyun was drinking water and then he came to our side and you could see in his face he was about to do something and when the beat dropped he threw WATER ON US and I got so wet :((((( the fan next to me, her fan was all wet lmao.  - I got a lot of confetti in my face :’)  

[phandomsecretvalentines]

Tell Me Everything Will Be Alright

This is my fic (and my first phanfic wow) for the 2018 Phandom Secret Valentines, and my valentine is @citrouillephan!

I hope you enjoy!   -from your valentine, @realityfallsapart

tags: fluff, angst, 2009 AU

words: 4.7k

Summary: Dan Howell tends to get lost in his head and his thoughts have a habit of ruling him even when he doesn’t want them to. When he and his best friend finally have a chance at meeting, Dan starts to wonder if he is actually good enough for the amazing human being that is Phil Lester.

(ao3 link)

(Thank you so much to @moonbeamphan for reading this over and helping me! This wouldn’t be as good without you!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dan typed his answer and sent it by hitting enter before leaning back in his chair and letting out a shaky breath that seemed to rattle his insides. His laptop chirped quietly, announcing that Phil had replied to him. He couldn’t bring himself to look at it right away. Finally, after a few moments, he flicked his eyes down to the white screen of the computer in his lap where Phil’s most recent message seemed to glare up at him.

  Phil :) (9:47 PM)

i know!

i can’t believe it either!

For a few moment, Dan could do nothing but stare at the screen; at the black words disrupting the artificial white light. It was the only thing that gave Dan any sort of illumination in his room; everything else was dark. He bit his lip and thought about the possible pros and cons of shutting his laptop and burying his head under his duvet to pretend that everything was fine because it was. It’s all fine.

Dan shook his head and reached his hands down to the keyboard. He wouldn't—couldn’t—do that to Phil. Phil deserved so much better than that. His numb fingers typed out a small sentence, only realizing that it had several typos until after he had sent it. He mentally kicked himself for it.

  Dan ^-^ (9:51 PM)

Me niether! it seems like thsi would n e v e r happen!

**neither, this

Jeez i can spell

Phil :) (9:51 PM)

idk dan are you sure you can def spell? those seem like some pretty beginner mistakes…

  Dan knew Phil was kidding. He knew that it was just Phil playing around with Dan like they normally did. Like they had been doing for months at this point. But in Dan’s heightened state of anxiety and stress, he couldn’t help but berate himself further. God, Phil must think of him as a kid now, he can’t even spell right!

Dan crashed back into his mattress, groaning and squeezing his eyes shut.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid….” he muttered, hitting his forehead with his hand with every word.

Looking back on this moment, Dan would laugh and realize how utterly idiotic his anger with himself was coming from, but right now, in bed with the lights off and by himself, he couldn’t help but magnify the issue. He had been anxious and stressed without a pause this entire week.

He looked up at his ceiling, sighing in growing frustration towards himself, but it wasn’t just because of his inability to catch his typos. In fact, it had nothing to do with them. The typos had just tipped him right over the edge and all of his insecurities crashed over him like waves, his head nearly going under the tide.

To say he wasn’t good enough was an understatement. To say that Phil deserved a much better best friend than Dan was even more of one. Phil was older, more experienced, more mature, funny, smart, kind, and extremely compassionate. He had a great time making pretty successful and entertaining videos (at least in Dan’s opinion, and he would always fight anyone who said otherwise) on the side, on top of balancing life. Dan was younger, so much more less experienced with everything, he got overwhelmed with life and spent the majority of his time curled up under his covers surfing through the waves of his latest existential crisis or playing PC video games that he would forget about within the next 24 hours. He was purgatory in the form of a human and an incredibly underwhelming one at that.

He wasn’t sure how long exactly he laid there, stewing in his self-deprecation and wishing that he was better. Better in literally every aspect, maybe then he would finally be worth Phil’s time, if only a little bit. His computer chirped again, and then twice more minutes later in rapid succession, as if angry. Dan grasped for the thing, pulling it up to his chest, lacking the energy to sit back up.

  Phil :) (10:07 PM)

Dan you know im joking right?

Phil :) (10:16 PM)

Dan? you still there? i was joking i promise you can make all the typos you want

u didnt fall asleep did you?

  Dan couldn’t help the watery smile that turned the corners of his mouth up, albeit it being a small one. Phil had that effect on him even if Dan was falling apart on the inside. Just a little though, he was fine.

  Dan ^-^ (10:18 PM)

nooo im not sleeping

Phil :) (10:18 PM)

:(

Dan ^-^ (10:19 PM)

why the frowny face

Dan tried to keep the fear out of his thoughts but the talons of doubt had already settled around his heart. Was Phil mad that he didn’t answer right away? Would-

His laptop signaled the arrival of Phil’s reply, and Dan really didn’t know if he wanted to slam the lid of his computer shut or jump at the opportunity to find out if he had just ruined the best friendship he had ever had. Ever will. He went for the latter.

(Dan supposed he might be overreacting, but then again, when wasn’t he, it seemed?)

  Phil :) (10:20 PM)

did i insult your typing skills one too many times? is that why you disapeared?

*disappeared

Dan used the best coping mechanisms for dealing with his anxiety that he knew: humor and avoidance. Together, they were a formidable force and Dan had spent a large majority of his time perfecting their potency.

  Dan ^-^ (10:20 PM)

now look who’s making the typos

Phil :) (10:20 PM)

Dan.

  He gulped. Now he had done it. Fuck. He had to fix this.

Dan ignored the roar behind his ears that seemed to be screaming that he should just ignore this all, pray that things would magically fix themselves and change the topic. That was his fear talking. His self-abandonment. His anxiety. His everything. Phil was worth so much more. So Dan pushed it all away for just long enough to reply.

  Dan ^-^ (10:21 PM)

sorry, joke

no, thats not why i ran away

i was just thinking, thats all

Phil :) (10:21 PM)

were you doing it again

  Dan tried to pretend that he didn’t know what Phil was talking about and simultaneously cursed himself for telling Phil about his increasing habit for getting lost in his thoughts. He failed. He knew exactly what Phil was talking about.

Back, about three weeks ago in a later-than-normal conversation where all of their inhibitions seemed to dissipate, Dan had finally come clean about how sometimes thoughts got the best of him. He would crumble under them, get so completely and utterly lost in his head that he would sometimes stay there for hours on end, picking apart anything that his conscience decided to dig up. And it hindered Dan, made him hate himself just that much more, made him hate how easily his anxieties held him hostage, stuck. But he couldn’t do much about it, it seemed, for whenever he got lost in his head, he always forgot that he had to get out.

Dan gulped. He had to lie his way out of this. He knew that Phil didn’t like it when Dan got stuck. He could pull off nonchalance, right?

  Dan ^-^ (10:22 PM)

no

Phil :) (10:22 PM)

im not convinced

you were werent you

Dan ^-^ (10:23 PM)

does my word not count for anything lol

Phil :) (10:24 PM)

maybe if we were talking and i could see your face it’d count

Dan ^-^ (10:24 PM)

what’s my face got to do with anything?

Phil’s bubble appeared on the screen once, twice, three times, before he apparently decided on what he was going to say and sent it. The entire time Dan was a few words away from having a breakdown. His hands were shaking. His mind was racing faster than normal. Faster than it had in what seemed like a very long time.

  Phil :) (10:26 PM)

bc then i could tell if you were lying

tho rn i dont even need that

Dan ^-^ (10:26 PM)

are u seriously saying im lying

Phil :) (10:27 PM)

yeah

you did everything that you always do when you arent telling the truth

you joked

changed / focused the conversation onto smth else

and besides

ive gathered that you really dont like to talk about the things that bother you. you like to ignore them and stuff

Dan ^-^ (10:28 PM)

so how bout we not talk about them then

Phil :) (10:29 PM)

normally, maybe

but not with this

Dan ^-^ (10:29 PM)

and why not?

Phil :) (10:29 PM)

bc i dont like it when you beat yourself up in your head

Dan ^-^ (10:30 PM)

who said i was beating myself up in my head

Phil :) (10:30 PM)

… dan :/

youre avoiding again

Dan cursed himself. God, since when could Phil read him like a book?

  Dan ^-^ (10:32 PM)

fine. maybe i am

what are you gonna do about it philly?

Phil :) (10:32 PM)

daaaaannnnnn

you arent allowed to beat yourself up

no ones allowed to

especially you!

  Dan giggled, just a little. He couldn’t help it when Phil was being…well, Phil.

  Dan ^-^ (10:33 PM)

and why not? Hmm?

Phil :) (10:34 PM)

bc youre my favorite person silly

my favorite person cant be sad. its just the rules

Dan ^-^ (10:35 PM)

oh yeah? whose rules then, oh wise philip

Phil :) (10:35 PM)

ew dont call me philip my nan calls me that

and theyre my rules

my rules for my favorite person

Dan ^-^ (10:35 PM)

suuurrreee phil. sure its a rule

*philip

Phil’s cursor didn’t appear seconds after Dan had sent his message like usual. Insead, nothing appeared. Their good-natured banter had eased the storm raging inside of Dan and his thoughts and anxieties had died down a little, much more easier to bear with the distraction Phil was giving him, but with the sudden disappearance of his best friend, they came back full force. All of his doubts spilled into the front of his conscience. He shivered. It wasn’t from the cold.

Dan watched the little digital clock at the bottom of his laptop screen count the minutes falling away. One, two, three, four, five, god did what did he do-

  Phil :) (10:41 PM)

[multimedia image: click to load]

With his heart in his throat, Dan clicked, and a small window appeared, momentarily covering their chat from Dan’s view. It was hard to make out, the quality bad and the image itself grainy and dark, but it was of a piece of paper lying atop two legs clad in bright pyjamas that Dan could immediately connect to Phil and his eccentric personality. He could make out the tip of Phil’s finger at the top of the shot, too. Squinting, he looked at the paper itself, zooming in to make out the words penned in Phil’s handwriting.

  Rules:

1. Dan Howell is my favorite person

2. No one is allowed to make fun of him

3. ESPECIALLY if that “no one” is Dan himself

Dan started to laugh. Only Phil would actually make a list of “rules”. Only Phil.

Before Dan could reply, Phil was typing again.

  Phil :) (10:43 PM)

there. proper rules written on proper paper. you have to follow them now

Dan ^-^ (10:44 PM)

i cant believe that you actually wrote rules you spork

but fine! i guess if i have to lol

Dan was still working heavily with avoiding the whole situation entirely, just like with what he was doing to the problem causing him so much stress to begin with, but he couldn’t help it. It’s just how he was.

  Phil :) (10:46 PM)

so you admit to your crimes xD

but anyways

you were stuck in your head again

which is okay, i mean, i understand that it’s something you cant help

Dan felt like he was going to cry. Phil’s assurance that Dan’s mind running in panicked circles was perfectly okay was almost too much. Phil’s compassion was almost too much.

But it appeared that Phil wasn’t done, because his laptop dinged quietly again.

  Phil :) (10:47 PM)

can i ask whats got you so sad and worried

so i can beat it up

obvs

  Now Dan really wanted to cry. How could he tell Phil that the reason was him? How could he say that the root of this ball of anxiety and stress and worrying that had taken over him was Phil himself?

He couldn’t do that to Phil, not when his best friend would undoubtedly take it hard. God, if Phil knew why Dan kept getting lost in himself, he would be crushed.

  Dan ^-^ (10:51 PM)

noooo

Phil :) (10:51 PM)

are you sure? i wont judge you dan, i swear it doesnt matter if you think i wont like it

i just wanna be here for you

If Dan wasn’t crying earlier, he was now, a few select tears dripping down his cheeks, brimming with the emotions that had been taking over him this past week. Phil was…too much. He was too kind, too sweet, too undeserving of someone like Dan. God, Phil deserved the whole world, he shouldn’t have to settle with Dan.

Another message appeared on Dan’s screen, as but this one didn’t seem like normal, it was a little off, a little rushed, a little…something. Dan couldn’t place it.

  Phil :) (10:53 PM)

bc youre my best friend.

obvs. xD

If Dan wasn’t so out of it and was able to think clearly, he might have questioned Phil’s “clarification” of why and what sense he wanted to be there for him, but Dan was not in the best state of mind and he thought nothing of it.

Dan looked at his screen again. He still had to acknowledge Phil’s question, and he wasn’t sure how to go about it. He wanted to tell Phil he already told him everything, have Phil reassure him and tell him that everything was going to be okay again, like he normally did. But Dan couldn’t. He couldn’t lie again, once was already once too many, and something told Dan that if he tried to ignore it or change the topic, Phil would just call him out again.

Fuck.

  Dan ^-^ (10:56 PM)

it doesnt matter

Phil :) (10:56 PM)

yes it does

its enough to make you get lost in that head of yours, so it matters

Dan ^-^ (10:57 PM)

phil we both know it doesnt take much for me to get lost in my thoughts

Phil :) (10:58 PM)

still

something is bothering you and i want to fix it

Dan bit his lip. God, Phil had no idea how badly he wanted to let him fix this. He couldn’t though. He just couldn’t.

  Dan ^-^ (10:58 PM)

nooo phil, you cant fix this one

Phil :) (10:58 PM)

>:(

you cant even let me try?

  Always, always, but just not with this. Dan couldn’t tell Phil this, not when it would hurt him.

  Dan ^-^ (11:00 PM)

no phil, not with this sorry :(

Phil :) (11:01 PM)

:((((

okay

i may not like it but i can respect that

will you tell me tomorrow?

Dan looked at the screen, thinking about it. Tomorrow was what he was worried about to begin with. Could he tell Phil tomorrow? He wasn’t sure. Well, it didn’t matter if things went good or not, Dan mused, tomorrow Dan’s fears would either be affirmed or destroyed.

He could only hope.

  Dan ^-^ (11:03 PM)

sure

tomorrow

Phil :) (11:03 PM)

yay!!!

  Dan laughed, breathily.

  Phil :) (11:03 PM)

oooh! look at the time!

its getting so late bear wow

guess we should get to sleep so we dont fall asleep on each other tomorrow huh? xD

  Dan’s heart physically melted at the use of Phil’s pet name for him. He only used it occasionally, but it never failed to make Dan’s heart stutter in his chest and the butterflies in his belly to flit around faster, making him feel almost giddy. Hopeful.

God he sounded so stupid right now. Anxious and stressed out of his mind yet still acting like a little kid with their first crush.

Stupid feelings.

  Dan ^-^ (11:05 PM)

yeah i guess we should!

night philly :)

Phil :) (11:05 PM)

goodnight dan!! :D

see you tomorrow!

(ps, idk whats bothering you and thats okay but i hope whatever it is it works out for you :“)  )

Ah yes. That’s what it boiled down to. Tomorrow morning Dan would board a train and take it up to Manchester to spend some time with Phil. The first time that they would see each other in real life, not just behind a computer screen. They had skyped before and texted and chatted for countless hours over countless days, but the thought of tomorrow still made Dan want to throw up.

He wasn’t good enough for Phil. He was just so terrified that tomorrow Phil would see that.

  Dan ^-^ (11:06 PM)

:)

  After hitting send Dan thrust the lid to his laptop down and pushed it off of his chest, letting it fall onto the bed. Dan felt sick again. He was so scared about tomorrow because there were so many things that could go wrong and so many flaws that Phil could discover about Dan and so many, so many, ways for what is supposed to be the best day of Dan’s life to turn out to be his worst.

God, he hated his anxiety for always picking things apart. Always fucking with Dan’s own head.

Dan rolled over and grabbed his duvet, pulling it up and wishing that it would just swallow him whole. Fuck. He couldn’t do it tomorrow. He couldn’t handle this stress.

Taking a deep breath, Dan clutched his duvet tighter in his grasp and tried to keep his lip from wobbling.

Right now he just wanted to sleep. He wanted to forget that he didn’t feel good enough, that yet again his insecurities were screwing him over, that he wanted to cry. He wanted to forget. Unfortunately for Dan the universe didn’t agree and he ended up staying awake for hours after the he had closed his laptop, the entire time doing nothing but thinking, getting lost in his head, and wishing that his thoughts would just turn off.

For once.

Please.

~~~~~~

Dan slung his bag over his shoulder. His fingers felt numb. Unlike his greatest hopes, the fitful-at-best night’s sleep did nothing to alleviate Dan’s terror. If anything, it had only magnified it because now it was today and Dan couldn’t run anymore.

He took a cab to the station, and he ended up being earlier than he needed to be, having about an extra ten minutes to wait for his train. He sat on a bench, his legs nothing but jelly at this point, his fears making it quite easy to foresee his long legs from just giving out on him. Dan didn’t want to make an embarrassment of himself on top of it all, so he tried to calm his racing heart while he sat.

With no luck.

Of course.

Dan looked down at the ticket in his hand. It would be so easy to not go. To walk right out of the station, spend the weekend at home instead of with Phil, and not risk Phil seeing how utterly underwhelming Dan was as a person. He could lie, could say that he ran late, missed his train, maybe his parents changed their minds and didn’t let Dan go.

But God, as Dan looked down at the paper in his trembling hand, he couldn’t help but know that he wouldn’t be able to actually go through with not leaving. He wouldn’t be able to lie to Phil, not about something this big—who was he kidding, he had a hard enough time lying to Phil last night over something so small!

But more than that, Dan knew that it was much more than not being able to lie to Phil. He had wanted to meet Phil ever since he had started to watch his videos, and the sentiment had only increased tenfold with their fast friendship. Phil was now much more than a hero, much more than a few minutes of distraction. He was Phil, Dan’s AmazingPhil, and he was his best friend. That lanky black-haired boy was worth so so much in Dan’s eyes, and he couldn’t, couldn’t, leave him in the dust like that. God it wouldn’t just kill Phil, but it would kill Dan too. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself.

Dan had been thinking too hard. Before he knew it the train was pulling into the station and Dan gulped, raising on still-shaky legs and gripping the strap of his bag so hard he didn’t even have to look to know that his knuckles were blotched white.

As Dan took his seat, a new resolve washed over him. He would go. He would endure this train ride that undoubtedly would be the most anxiety-inducing thing he had done in a very long time—possibly ever—and he would do it for Phil. If Phil would reject him or not, he would try not to dwell on it on the coming trip (a losing battle, Dan knew), but he would still go.

For Phil.

~~~~~

Dan’s heart was going so fast he was sure that he was going to pass out. His hands, his arms, legs, his whole body was trembling.

Manchester’s Piccadilly Station.

Dan was here.

There was a decent amount of people on the station as far as Dan could see as the train pulled in, but none of them looked like his best friend.

The train came to a stop and Dan stood, the first to make it to the doors and there when they opened.

Strangely enough, when the doors pulled open and Dan took a step out into the station, he stopped trembling. His heart slowed—not by much, but it slowed—and this whole thing didn’t seem quite as scary. Sure, Dan’s thoughts were still screaming in his head, sure, his anxiety was still off the charts, and sure, his hands were still sweaty and his breath was still shallow but still. It was as if a calm had washed over him.

Dan wasn’t sure what to make of it. Maybe he was just going into shock.

People busied around him, walking this way and that, talking into cell phones, to other people, some silent. Dan, unsure of everything right now, followed where the general push of people were guiding him, the whole time craning his head, looking for his Phil. He tried not to panic. He tried.

But with every second the calm that had overtook him was shrinking and his anxiety steadily increased.

Did Phil forget? Did he stand me up? Oh God he’s not coming he didn’t come-

"Dan!”

Dan whirled around at the sound of his name, uttered by a voice that sounded so much better when it wasn’t distorted by their shitty computer’s speakers.

Before Dan could register really anything, he was being engulfed in a hug, two strong arms wrapping themselves around Dan’s shoulders, pulling him flush against the figure.

Against Phil.

And instantly all of the shouting in Dan’s head was gone. The slight tremble in his hands vanished, and for the first time in a week, his anxiety was gone without a trace. Dan felt like crying.

Dan gasped in surprise, his brain taking a moment to reboot because Phil didn’t forget, didn’t stand him up, didn’t change his mind, and suddenly Dan felt very, very stupid because how could he ever think that Phil would do something like that. This was Phil, the kindest person on the planet.

Phil pulled away, just a little, just enough so they could see each other’s faces, and Dan had to keep himself from pulling Phil back in.

His smile was so wide, easily the widest Dan had ever seen it. And his eyes, oh God those eyes were a thousand times clearer, a thousand times more mesmerizing than behind a screen. Dan didn’t doubt for a second that he could stand here and look into them for the rest of the day without tiring of their never-ending beauty. Fuck. Why did his eyes have to be so gorgeous.

Dan tore his eyes away from Phil’s and looked over the rest of him, from his broad shoulders that Dan wanted to wrap his arms around, to the tussle of his hair that Dan craved to run his fingers through and the line of his jaw that Dan felt the need to trace. Double fuck. Why did the entirety of Phil have to be gorgeous.

“Dan! I can’t believe you’re here! I have today all planned out; I’m going to show you everything!” Phil said excitedly, a twinkle as clear as day in his eyes. Phil was practically vibrating with excitement and it made a smile spread over Dan’s features. Phil’s happiness was contagious.

Phil stopped his rambling, looking down at Dan sheepishly.

“I mean, if that’s all okay with you. If you don’t want to do something that’s okay, I totally get it. We can do anything you want, I-”

Dan tilted his head back and laughed, laughed because Phil seemed nervous. Phil was nervous and it was adorable.

“Yeah, yeah Phil it’s all fine. All of it, don’t worry. I just can’t believe you want to do it all with me.”

Phil’s smile faded a little, and the twinkle in his eye got that much smaller. He looked a little sad.

“Was this what you were so worried about? That I wouldn’t like you?”

Dan bit his lip and looked down, giving a little nod.

Phil pulled Dan right back into a hug, but this time it felt even more real, and it was impossibly tighter. It felt like Phil was pulling all of Dan’s lost pieces together. Phil’s voice was in his ear.

“Of course I like you, Dan. You’re my best friend. I like you more than anyone else. Promise.”

Dan might have just felt like crying, in that moment. Phil accepted him. He wasn’t going to leave him. Things were okay. They were okay.

He knew that this would hit him later, maybe tonight when he had a chance to process things. He’d probably cry out of relief, but it would all be okay because Phil would be there to hold him together and ease all of Dan’s worries.

Soon enough they set off, hand in hand, and Dan was smiling so wide, so, so wide. He couldn’t have been happier with how things had turned out.

Dan looked sideways at Phil, trying to not be too obvious.

This had worked out so maybe, just maybe, something else could work out for him.

~~~~~

Dan stood at the window, a cup of coffee in his hand. It was early, and he could see the technicolor dream across the sky that was that morning’s sunrise. The steam from his coffee rose from the rim of the cup and slowly diffused into nothing; tendril-like hands wisped up and around Dan’s neck.

It had been nearly nine years.

Dan’s nervousness and dark thoughts never ceased to plague him, however, he learned to deal with it better. He could confidently say that he has never been happier.

It had been nearly nine years, and they were still inseparable. Their channels had grown exponentially, and they boasted an insanely large fan community.

As the years had gone by, their strong, unbreakable friendship slowly blossomed into something remarkably beautiful. Their long Skype calls turned into late night kisses, and they had been happily in love for nearly nine years.

Dan twisted the ring on his third finger. As well as being happily in love, they were also engaged to be married within the next year. Lately, he’d been waking up in complete disbelief.

The thing Dan had wanted so desperately to work out for him did, and in the most perfectly perfect way possible.

[toldentops]

so uh

there’s this dude that i’ve been talking to for a bit and he was a nice guy and all but he keeps being whiny on deviantart about getting rejected by girls and he calls girls “females” and I honestly feel uncomfortable about him?? he made a journal abt how he’s been miserable and nobody likes him and the girl he liked rejected him. deadass this was the second time he asked this same girl and she rejected him again like dude can’t you take a hint?? This dude asked a girl out, she rejected him, he made a journal about “hmm maybe I should take a break” the writes another journal about how miserableh e is because he asked the same girl out and gets rejected. Honestly what the fuck man, you expect me to feel sorry for you?? then he writes a journal about how he got a girlfriend after he talked about “getting one” like he told me he was just in a rush to have a girlfriend and that honestly bothers me bc he actually confessed to me once about liking me. It was flattering, yes, but it felt so unreal and made up. He just. acts so desperate and yknow I was skeptical about him getting a girlfriend and he told me yesterday “yeah I just want one in the future” like man I get it but that’s all it seems like you’re focused on. dude, like let love come to you don’t go asking for it. 

deadass he mentions everyone in the discord group “hey im single now” and it’s like bitch????/ it hasnt even been a week and he’s just BEGGING for attention.... and I told him “buddy why am I not surprised” like judging by the was he acts in his journals and when he talks to me, he just wants a girlfriend for the sake of having one

he just makes me uncomfortable in general because every time I get onto discord he messages me like “hewwo” or smthn and sometimes I just don’t feel like talking to him but it’s like he messages me the moment he knows I’m online...

I don’t feel sorry for him one bit. First of all, he’s got to get over rejection and not be whiny about it. He’s got to learn when to just stop. I’ll say that he’s admitted to his mistakes before about rejection but the moment he said that he had a girlfriend I just kinda was disappointed. 

deadass his deviantart page says single:looking  like buddy. come ON did you not learn anything at all??

More gripes down below, I just really wanna say everything

See the first time I ever talked to him was him asking for an art trade. He wanted an anthro milotic(which I said in my commission page that I did not do) and he asked if I did fetish art.  I don’t know why I took it in, I just felt kind of uncomfortable about it. I asked him for a mlm scrafty and eelektross couple and he OK but in the description he said male scrafty and ambiguously gendered eelektross. Now, it wasn’t much of a problem but still. I had learned later from him that he doesn’t care for mlm porn, even though he was fine with gay. Here’s the thing, I wasn’t asking for porn, and if he was ok with gay ships, then he should have been fine putting “hey look here’s some gay pokemon” in the description.

He’s also said to me multiple times about how hot lesbian porn is and I’m like “OK” but it’s so clear that he’s fetishizing them. He’s got mostly female pokemon anthro ocs in skimpy outfits and to me, that’s a red signal right there. it literally says in his deviantart “i  like to slap tits on pokemon” and I’m like, OOF....

it’s just so obvious that he fetishizes women., it’s gross.

he’s also got a foot fetish and yknow at the beginning of our conversation I was like well ok, and we both shared what turned us on and there was that mutual trust but one day he asked me to share photos of my feet and just the thought of him jacking off to my feet made me really uncomfortable. Every time I draw his characters he asks if I can show their feet. he’s also asked me to draw nsfw of his characters multiple times, Although I admit I never explicitly said “no” I always said that I was busy or whatever. I was never really against it but he’d always say u don’t have to if u don’t want to” and I’d say “yeah no i dont want to” but he’d ask again at some point like bro dont’ you know how to take a hint

there was always this uncomfortable tension in the conversation, it was always something along the lines of “hey (insert sexual thing here), and then Id be like “nah man im not up to it” and then hed be like oof ok sorry if u don’t wanna do it then u don’t have to but i’d love if you did” and it always felt like guit tripping of some sort. I don’t feel comfortable talking to him and I’d never know how to directly tell him “look I don’t wanna talk to you right now” and I didn’t want to make him feel like I hated him or didn’t care about him. but the more I interacted with him the more I began to feel skeptical of his character despite the many journals about how thankful he is about the people in his life and the apologies

idk if those apologies are good intentioned or just a tactic to guilt other people into feeling sorry for him or whatever. 

So, jump to yesterday where he announces that he was single. all trust in him and his relationship just. dropped. He DID say that the girl just wan’t ready to have a relationship so based on what he told me it’s not really his fault, but just based on the way he acted he acted more liek “hhhhhH she dumped me lemme make everyone feel bad for me Hey guys i don’t wanna talk rn but i feel horrible and  lemme just disappear” instead of “well she just wasnt ready and I understood that so we broke up” 

Buddy if you were really sad and you really loved her you wouldn’t put “single and looking” on your fucking deviantart page. That’s honestly the last straw and I’ve given up on trying to deal with him. I told him straightforward “hey buddy you need to take a break” and he said something like “now’s not the time to tell me this u made me feel worse now” tell me that’s not guilt tripping. THis event is what made me tell you this, I felt the need to address this to you, listen here buddy you need to take a break. That is the point I was trying to get to him. I told him he comes of as desperate, straight and to the point. He told me that other people have told him that too. Buddy can’t you take a hint, like, at all?? 

To be fair, he does make journals saying “oh im sorry about the way I acted and I need yalls help for recovery” and my only thought is “hey maybe if you changed the way you act then maybe this wouldn’t happen again, hence me getting pissed at his “single and looking” status.

also, he kinda just turned 18 so he’s pretty much an adult. I just feel like he shouldn’t feel inclined to have a girlfriend, and the fact that we talked about nsfw stuff at all makes me feel uncomfortable.

the time when we talked were nice, but I just don’t want to talk to him or deal with him, but I also don’t want to regret it.

If anyone wants to see him journals or our conversations, PM me because I honestly don’t know what to do rn and yknow he seems to be completely over it now

the least I can do is protect his name

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

World War III

1. I said "there's a remote" at least 10 times because I'm not a control freak but I'm also not trusting either. So i know i put an alternative to a satellite on land and I know I put a remote in case who we trusted didn't use the missle.

Now she remembers how i told her to turn the MISSLE on and off because i expected people to trust me and allow me to speak and not tell me im too stupid to not create a remote for a missle on NORTH KOREA when i lived in NEW MEXICO, USA.

Im not gonna say how. But there was also clue words this week to help her remember. But okay

2. So instead of saving the world, the world learned How to save itself. And that's better.

Our last war. And the whole world joined in. We are now completing WWIII. The best war ever!!!! That we finally are winning. The First World War that every country joined to fight and protect the world. 🌎 it was a real world war not a prissy fit over having the most money or the kings and queens (gods and goddesses) in the world.

3. The remote. I gave to the one person in the world that i knew for a fact that would kill her clone sister. No description no nothing. An active missle and it would be done 100%

4. The remote had no labels. I requested that it just look like an old hearing aid type device which i was told it was but was really a listening device we had in the cup above our sofa in NYC. But i didn't live with my parents and I didn't speak to my Uncle unless it was about is son or something wrong with the living conditions. I got my parents and neighborhood involved. I knew the consequences. So i never spoke about my days or nights and what i done in secret except on walks wirh our mouths covered or turn around and point at something random or look at the ground with our hair covering our faces, we coded/hid everything my friends and i did and even said.

4. She tested the first button then called North Korea to see what happened. The satellite had a little door which was unimportant. But it would indicate the sare was off. She was trying to figure out the turn on code which would been simple enough in a frustrated move.

5. As it was North Korea was invaded by Trump. 20 minutes into her struggle. So Kim Jong-Un unplugged it as per his instructions.

6. She understood the invasion but we needed the missle more than ever. So she tried to get him to turn it on. He refused because the satellite door closed. So they thought it was Broke. No. Its a dam on and off switch. Look its on!! look its off! SIMPLE look out the window!!

7. He wouldn't turn on the missle which would then turn on both the missle and satellite by default. SIMPLE.

8. She couldn't figure out the remote! They said it didn't exist! And no one would tell me what was going on. And the remote wouldn't plug in a missle launcher!! Im fucking sorry world!! 🌎

9. She had no instructions and no labels. She was to tell Kimmy she was experimenting. So he could tell her how to label it if she felt it was safe. With a number system only she remembered. But he wouldn't answer the phone because he got a new phone number for the missle room. She didn't know -- it just rang and rang. By the time she figured it was safe enough to interrupt the missle Trump invaded and Kimmy went to the bunker!!

10. She just tonight hit the button that notifies him what is happening to the machine which she hadn't had a chance to do before he unplugged it.

11. Everyone thought the priority was to fix the unbroken satellite. While holding hostage the Trump invader.

12. I can protect Ethan with falling planes that I wreck into with a Chinook i use my palms to propel on the dash board. I can run a war from a bedroom with nothing but my heart and soul and heal millions of dead. BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOCK DOWN A MISSLE LAUNCHER INTO REMOTE MODE to go out for tea OR TELL IF A SATELLITE IS NOT BROKE. that is what i was told multiple times. And not by North Korea. My own fucking team that has studied every fucking thing I've done and seen i make Plans A - D just to walk myself to the bathroom. And assures me in the midst of a war that i am being throughly researched so we win. "Go get 'em champ!"

13. So last night i found William still working on the fucking satellite who said the piece was being made and it was 10 fucking days. For an on and off switch that was cosmetic and the actual switch was 1 foot inside the satellite in a bullet proof box that could never break. And hes begging to doubt anyone was actually making it.

14. This is bullsjit i said. Its not even fucking broken. I'm having a fit. Look at this fucking shit and i magnet in 18 satellites. "Get what you want" scream at one guy inside an old 1980s one i called Direct TV because it had a 2 way camera on it. So I use part of his to make a bullet shooter because this shit... Was on my last nerve. And i shoot EVERY GODDAM thing i can't see.

15. People from other people were calling the International Space Station asking "does she have a problem today?"

16. Yes And every galaxy was losing their evil. Cause Fuck i needed help so did they.

17. William finally finished not fixing the satellite and I propped open the button to turn it into a two seater. And we went to find out who i killed in the International Space Station. 45. So the 2/3 unhappy due to 10% were happy we found.

18. Truth or Consequences would take 5 and a half minutes to complete. Now it takes 6 and a half seconds. William sped it up. And set it to the core.

19. My GPS range is only 105 miles. Now 102.

World War III is almost over. It will be over -- should be -- by the time that the last time zone enters 2020.

Its been Hell.

We can all see that while us world leaders and I the smartest and bravest of any galaxy can still be overtaken by one troll.

Which is why we must always remember to work together.

My plans had no flaws. It was prepared for absolutely everything.

20. Even air war. The planes were all bullet proof and battle proof except the Pilot Windows. I designed the eQ2 fleet. Convinced her that they would open the windows like WWII planes for fun and should. Because nothing in the world would be better so don't waste money on extra bullet proofing. We gained one jelly filled body, only lost one good one arm and one jelly filled body (due to water and Tree healing) and millions of evil and clones. And I also used those planes to protect Ethan as they crashed and William protected Logan's twin today as i was busy.

21. I also designed the Chinook since 1998 in 2008 i made upgrades.

World War Three was a success for Planet Earth, Saturn, Neptune, Uranus, Jupiter, San Frensesno, and Pluto plus many more including Mars and Venus.

And it was only fought on Earth all others remained Peaceful.

And each planet saw how to protect their planet so now in the future they can be as protected as us. I asked them not to intervene as i don't know their planets. Except in dire emergency. They didn't. So we did a fucking good job.

22. Pluto we designed War assistance together so we knew them. Since 1994 they have been here to protect us. That is why it became uncategorized as a planet.

So Happy New Year. I'm sorry NYC I missed it once again. It's only 10 pm here

Im down to 98 miles.

What have I said?

Our plan of defense and protection failed.

We continued to defend as we were attacked and successfully protected.

...

We failed at working together. So we got more people to help us. And when that was scary, we called Pluto and gave them the honor they deserve. And they loved it.

So ask for help.

"Hey babe help me with the dishes" and talk about your day you'll probably end up in giggles if you talk about me.

"Hey babe. Finish reading that paperwork I was sent on missiles will you" and you may just end up saving the world.

"Hey doofus, remind me every once in a while that you died in 1998. That would help me a whole lot to figure shit out on my own and beat amnesia because i been beat in the head too much" and you may Just never know to fucking say that!!! So don't let your soulmate trick you into saying something stupid!

So ask for help when you know you need it.

The world knew how much they wanted to help. Did y'all know how much we needed it? In the end... We really didn't. But the world needed to help. And we needed to help them. Us.

My Twin Brother doesn't drive 362 mph on training days because we like to take the slow lane.

We wanted every one to be happy and safe as fast as possible.

That was a downfall as soon as Gary Trump found out how to regrow the penis I shot off in 1984 on purpose, cause he is a pervert. He thought he could finish taking over the world with his greed.

And what happened class?

He began to. And we dominated him. We would gotten to the satellite and we would still fought the way we had even if he was still alive. But the healing and damage would been much greater.

We could have handled it easy. We had mild shit. Y'all if I25 had air war which did until I announced no GPS or lights and the neighborhood commander retreated and admitted defeat and announced surreandered.

I could had had the planes fall to protect y'all. And still had time for Wichita Texas with brothers Ethan, Logan and Ezekiel.

I pulled William and Matt out for their sakes. They needed a break, anyway. It wasn't punishment it was to protect them as they were targets. Sure its easy to heal but come on. Why for when your mom and dad are here for the first time in thirty years? Don't go to work. It's safer and healthier on Earth... Or was supposed to be for William.

Yet a bad thing worked fine in the end.

Because we all began caring in ways we hadn't before or in a long time.

For the first time Mr McNabb lost a child. Before he never had the loss his children did when he was taken in as a hostage then human trafficking victim. So he finally learned the sadness his children felt all their lives when thinking about their parents. The craziness he thought he saw was actually beauty of the mind and heart working together not to just survive but help others as well and to help them heal. And now he sees his sons not only as fierce fearless warriors but also as healers that are gentle and kind. And he can recognize the sadness and fear he kept hidden all these years. And finally let it go.

Tonight if you have Pluto with you. I am on the west mesa near the Belen airport.

Up here your loved one will stay the longest.

If you are evil. Your last moments can be spent here and may be finally for once your greedy heart can begin to grow. Much like the Grinch and you have a chance to save your soul

I am the only Jesus you will ever know.

I am at 70 miles range now. At 1050 pm

[kellyzeagman]

Hola,

As I write this, I now have officially just TWO weeks left. I seriously cannot believe it. If you ever want to experience the most WARPED sense of time, work on a cruise ship. Ive never had something fly by so fast in my life. Some days feel so incredibly long, however, overall, it feels like I literally blinked on October 5th and opened my eyes and it is feb.22nd.

Many things have changed and happened since last writing on feb.4th before the 2 week cruise. At that point, there were going to be 2 ports rescheduled because of coronavirus fears. Things ended up taking a bigger turn. Guests were notified a few days before their cruise that Lifou and Mare were going to be cancelled because they were closing their borders because of the virus (these ports really lack money/medical facilities/care, so if even one person on the island got corona, i’m sure the entire island would go down. So, better for them to be safe than sorry. Things really took a turn once guests got on board- once pretty much everyone had checked in and no chance to turn back, they made an announcement that 2 more islands were cancelled for the same reason. So, 4 of the 7 ports were now cancelled. Some people were obviously kicking off, others were understanding. The question now was, what were we going to do with those 4 days. We were going to do the overnight in that questionable port of Luganville, BUT- it ended up getting changed to an overnight (2 day) stay in Tauranga, NZ! Absolutely amazing- more to come. And they added the port of Eden, Australia, which had a smaller population than the # of guests on board.

2 weeks is a ridiculous amount of time for people to cruise, especially kids. ESPECIALLY when they just got back to school 2 weeks ago. Ever since Christmas, most of the kids have been so exhausting and horrible that I just question if any kids on the planet are nice or well behaved anymore. Im wondering though, do the kids keep getting worse, or is my patience just getting worse. (It has to be the kids). We have so much hope each turnaround day that the kids will get better and then by day 2 we are like “what the actual fuc*”. I need to have no contact with kids for approximately 1 month once a return home so that I can become fond of them again LOL. Luckily, it went by extremely fast and the neglected children are back with their questionable families. Part of the 2 week cruise included two Fiji ports that remained as planned. My friends and I booked two excursions for both Fiji days because we had time off during the morning/afternoon. Having this time off to do an excursion is RARE, we we were absolutely buzzing with excitement. One tour was to a private island via a catamaran, and the other was a rainforest hike to a waterfall. We were so excited, key word being “were”. What happens next is truly tragic. Voyager of the Seas has decide to install a show called “Anchors away” which is a 18 minute parade through the promenade where all of the cruise division (youth staff, cruise staff, singers, dancers, sports staff etc..) have to be a part of. **Forced to be a part of**. They have decided to install this parade right before 50% of the cruise division signs off, so its going to burst into flames in about a month when everyone that knows it is gone and the new people have no idea what to do. It has taken weeks and weeks of rehearsals. It is a huge production. To learn all of the choreography/blocking, we have had to spent countless hours rehearsing. And they’ve decided to to run all of the rehearsals on days when we are in port, (so we can practice in the promenade and have less guests, as they are at the port) meaning we cant get off until its done. It is still so devastating for me to say that BOTH of our Fiji shore excursions had to be cancelled so we could rehearse the parade. All of our port days for the last month have been ruined due to these damn rehearsals. Time off is compromised and we cant book anything to do in port because theres never enough time. Very sad for getting off purposes, but the parade has honestly been a hilarious experience to be a part of. The costumes and props are all brand new and the budget is enormous. I cant even explain it really. There is no way to explain unless you see it. The show is made up of 4 different boat teams battling against each other to music. I am a part of the chinese dragon boat. The worst part about this whole parade/port compromising is that my part in the parade requires no talent or choreography. I literally hold the TAIL of the dragon boat for 18 minutes while my team does a crazy dance with the paddles. I also will only be in the parade twice before leaving, so i’m not sure why i’ve been roped into it for a month when ill be gone after its opening show. My Fiji excursions had to be cancelled so I can practice being the ass of a dragon. Not bitter :) The costumes are amazing though, I hope i can post some pics because the costumes are quite special. I won’t bother going into this parade further because its inexplainable. I hope I can get my hands on a recording of the whole parade so people can understand.

I was able to get off for 2 hours both fiji days, but just NOT the same as what we had planned. In Suva, my friend Laura and I experienced the weirdest 5 mins of our lives while walking back to the ship. Its hard to really paint the picture because words cant do it justice, but as we were walking back to the ship, a truck full of Fiji prisoners passed us were screaming and reaching for us. However, this was not a jail transportation vehicle like the ones at home where they are handcuffed and locked in the back with a security guard. This was legitimately a 20 year old pick up truck with literally probably 15-20 inmates crammed into the back, being held in by what seemed to be a chicken wire type material. Just picture the easiest thing to escape from and that was it. As they drove by they all had their hands reaching out of the wires and were yelling for us with their bodies crammed together like they were sardines in a can. It was one of the weirdest moments of my life. I wish i had a picture of the truck and the men all crammed into the back by the dental floss like material. If we managed to be at a stop light at the same time, im not sure laura and I would have made it back to the ship. Approximately 30 seconds later I was gifted a hand carved wooden Fijian axe by a man selling souvenirs on the side of the road. He gave it to me without me ever showing interest in it, so I decided to give him my leftover Fiji money, as I would never be back in Fiji again. At this point he asked me for more, so this was obviously a ploy from the start, but he had already carved my name into the axe so I couldn’t say no, and he threw in a carved wooden turtle on top of it so I just agreed. I came back to the ship with two items I never wanted and somehow managed to bring the wooden axe through security without them saying anything. Ill make sure not to have it in my carry on bag on the plane or ill be added to a no fly list. These two events happening back to back were so, so odd but I will never forget them.

The two day NZ experience was amazing, I absolutely loved Tauranga and it made me so excited knowing that I will be living in that country this time next year. I was able to get off during the day and go to the beach, and then was able to get off after work at 11pm to experience the ~overnight~. Pretty much every crew member ended up at the same bar downtown, so it was like any normal night on the ship, but we were on glorious land. None of us had been off on land at night time in 5 months. It was so amazing, even if it was just for a few hours. I didn’t know how much I missed walking around at night/being on land until I stepped off the ship that night. We had to be back on the ship at 2am, or wait until 6am when the gangway doors opened again. So, we decided to clear out and make it back to the ship for 2:00am instead of sleeping outside of the ship until 6.

After that 2 week cruise was finally over, 2 friends and I were able to get off during the day in Sydney and we went to Bondi beach again. That place is still far too cool. Saw a guy in a McMaster sweater. Beach was filled with hundreds of people compared to last time, mostly backpackers/tourists I assume. We are now on a 6 day booze cruise with 300 kids where we are having more kids come to adventure ocean than we did at xmas/new years when we had over 1,000. Its very annoying. Its supposed to be low counts for kids, but we seem to be slammed every day, and the kids and parents aren’t particularly enjoyable. Hoping my 11 day last and final cruise will be a flawless experience. The ports have already changed for that one as well (hopefully they’ve already informed the guests). 2 overnights in Port Vila and Luganville instead of 4 of the islands, both in places where getting off at night isn’t easy or particularly safe. We shall SEE how it goes. Im honestly very sad to have these islands taken away. They are so beautiful and “once in a lifetime”, and I never got to lookout at the ocean from the beach one last time at each place and mentally say goodbye. I didn’t know my last time was going to be the last time. I guess thats life.

One of my hopes and dreams of my contract came true over the 2 week cruise. When I was working with the 6-11 year olds, a girl started screaming that there were flying fish in the water, but they were really DOLPHINS. Probably about 30 of them. They were all jumping and soaring out of the water, it was magic. Ive been waiting for that moment since I came. To see that number of dolphins in their natural environment was my perfect BBC planet earth moment I have been waiting for. Just waiting for my whale now, 13 days for it to come true.

This 6 day cruise just goes to Melbourne and Tasmania. Could easily be done in 3 days but I love that they just decide to add unnecessary sea days to make profit. We are going at approximately the same speed as a snail, because they’ve included sea days in between each port, when really we could probably get to Melbourne from Tasmania in 5 hours at a normal speed. We passed an island with a mountain today, I had a two hour nap and looked outside when I got back up to work and we were still passing the same mountain. Cheers MATE.

I am now on my 5th roommate. They moved my housekeeping roommate out without telling me. They want similar divisions living in the same areas because we have schedules that align more. She’s a sports staff from is England and is good and can steal the bottom bunk once i’m gone in 2 weeks. At this point I just walk in my room each day expecting there to be a new person. In other news- I got my flights home today, so that is EXCITING. Obviously I was always going home, but now it feels real. I fly 15.5 hours from Sydney to Dallas at at 2:40pm on the 7th, then 3 hours from Dallas to Toronto and should touch down at YYZ at 9:30pm on the 7th. I will be time travelling and experience March 7th twice. I’m obviously so excited to come home and see everyone and finally relax for more than 2 hours, but its for sure going to be really sad saying goodbye to everyone and this crazy lifestyle. I feel like i will have a quarter life crisis when I come home because I wont know what to do with myself. I’m trying to take in each day and live in the moment because its going to gone before I know it.

Anyways, must go change my laundry before someone else does it for me to steal my dryer.

bye bye for now

[blueeyed-butterfly]

For you. (Pt. 2)

I didn’t. It was awkward but at the same time I was happy to have you in my class for the first time since 9th grade. I’m pretty sure I ended up moving a couple weeks later or so. I remember after i moved we got In contact again and caught up. Can’t remember if we started dating or not that time. If we did. It wasn’t long. I ended up moving out of state. You ended up dating someone from here. We did our own thing for months. I remember around Christmas I ended up moving back home, and I remember we started talking again. You ended up breaking up with your girlfriend. We started dating once again lol. Remember that time when we were planning on moving to Florida together? Lmao we didn’t have a clue on what we were doing. We were still so young. 18-19 years old. Eventually that idea died. Along with or relationship once again. I ended up moving back out of state for over a year. You did your thing. I came back home destroyed over the relationship I was just in. A few months later or so you borrowed your moms car to come get me so we could hang out and catch up. It was like we never were apart. We always picked up where we left off. It was never awkward. You were always my best friend even if we weren’t dating. I remember listening to music, and recording you singing “animals” my Maroon 5. Life was finally feeling good for me for the first time in forever. I think that night we went to the Falls and it started pouring rain and we were under that bridge for a while. Just talking and joking around. We started dating again. But you were different, you were very sad. I wanted to be there for you. I remember sitting in your garage in kenmore with your mom and the things you said scared me. You wanted to die. I honestly was afraid to lose you. I was really afraid if something was going to happen. I’m not sure if we broke up again but I think we did, but I remember eventually meeting your grandparents and they loved me from the first second they met me, and I loved them! They were always so nice and welcoming and I felt like part of the family when I was around. You and I had so many memories there. Swimming In the pool, yelling at you for getting my hair wet, jumping in the trampoline. Laying on the trampoline looking at the stars. Laying there watching movies, til we both fell asleep cuddled up on the couch. I remember one night you were so sad you actually cried in front of me. I never seen that side of you. I just wanted to comfort you. I’m not sure how long after, but I remember sitting on my porch one day and for some reason you were with your ex gf at Tim hortons and she had your phone and sent me a long text as you saying you were breaking up with me. I was so confused and so hurt. Didn’t see it coming. But later that day you and I met up and talked and shit worked out. Although I still had some fears and confusion going on. A few days later or so i believe I was drinking a couple of my dads beers and told you to come pick me up so we could hang out and we went to the falls. We went up on the observation deck and we watched the fireworks. Something came over me, maybe it had something to do with the beer, giving me some courage to say to you that I wanted to finally have sex. You were shocked lol I was shocked. We left, and I snuck you into my house. We laid there for a while. I was nervous as fuck because it was my first time. You made me feel comfortable though. You were nervous yourself even shaking. We just laughed and let it happen. I was SO happy that you’re the one I lost it to. You were my person. No matter what. It was a special moment for me for sure. We laid there afterwards cuddling and I couldn’t believe what just happened. Remember around that time we were trying to get pregnant? Lol we tried a few times.So young and naive we were. Remember the 4th of July party at your Nonnas place. That day was very fun, I remember dancing with your sister, drunk as hell not giving a fuck lol you’d never seen me dance sober. Your sister was also very drunk. I remember it got dark and we were all on the trampoline I literally couldnt even jump let alone walk on the trampoline without falling over, and then the cops showed up and we started freaking out. We ran inside, into the bathroom and your sister hid her beer can in the bathroom cabinet lmao. Afterwards you went to bring me home, and I threw up in the front yard. Ill never forget that night. Remember when we went to the Florida Georgia line concert literally last minute? We had to drive all the way out past where the concert was to buy tickets, when the concert had already started. We got there in the middle if not cose to the end of it, but we still made the best out of it. It was the first time I was ever sober at a concert lol. About a month later we went to the luke bryan concert with Kelsey and met up with some people. We pregamed and then went into the concert where we just kept drinking, making memories having a good time.Then the one girl we were with, her boyfriend started talking to other girls and that made drunk me mad as hell so I guess i started hitting you saying you better not ever do that shit to me lol. Im still sorry for that by the way. That was still one of the best concerts I’ve been too. On the way back I had to pee so bad I was crying so I made you pull over so i could pee. Then on the way home I wanted cheeseburgers (Like i always do when I drink) so we stopped at Mcdonalds with Kelsey and drunk me said how I wanted to go in your basement (meaning have sex) lmao. Well that didnt end up happening that night, but I did end up staying the night. 

We once again ended up breaking up like a month later. I started dating someone new eventually, and you got back with your ex and moved out of town with her. We did our own thing for months. Months pass, October-August. It was the end of August when we got back in contact, you moved back home because you guys broke up. I was single. we went down to the harbor and talked and played on the playground in the pitch darkness of the night. We were just friends at that point, but I was happy to just be hanging out with you. Well a couple weeks later, I was at work, standing there just clocked out, when I opened facebook and saw that you announced you were having a baby girl with your ex. I was so shocked, if you saw my face it probably turned white. I couldnt believe it. I texted you asking how long you knew about this because you mentioned she was due in November, and it was already into September at this point. I just didnt understand, my heart was crushed. I thought i’d lose you forever. Things were about to change big time and I didnt know what to do. You were my everything and I was sure it was the end. You ended up getting back together with her. We stopped talking til a few months later, the baby was born and somehow we started talking, you were still with her but you told me you thought she was cheating on you. So me being the detective I am, sure enough found that she had that dating profile, and was claiming she was a single mother, when you guys were still together, and living together. I was so mad, for you. How the hell is someone going to do something like that? Well things ended with you guys, and we ended up back together. No matter what we always found our way back to eachother. Yes we did break up alot. But it was always for stupid reasons. I remember meeting your baby for the first time, and holding her and it did kind of make me sad, thinking “Wow, this could have been our baby” it really did suck knowing that it couldnt happen for us, but did for you and her. Thats all I ever wanted, was to start a family with you. 

We ended up breaking up, for another few months and dated other people. We got back together in June, which didnt last long. Omg its so crazy to think about all the times we broke up and what not. I can see why people talked alot of shit, but we didn’t care because we loved eachother.  Time went by almost a whole year, I moved out of my house in April and by May we were talking again and got back together. This was the last time we were together. We swore that was gonna be our time. That this was it, we were going to stay together and never break up again. We were having really good time, I met some of your new friends, and your cousin. We hung out with them a few times, we went to Canal Fest, We went to Kenmore Days, we did your little Niagara Falls dates, went to the outer harbor like old days, things just felt so right. I was so happy, and still in love with you. I remember the one night after drinking and your friends place, we went back to my place, and even though I had it in my mind, I was too nervous to bring it up, that I wanted to have sex, until you asked. It was like our first time all over again, I felt so nervous. But it was just as special as the first time. Laying there after, cuddled up, even though it was hot as fuck in my room, was one of my favorite feelings. It just felt so right. That weekend we went to the beach, the same one we went to with your family in the summer of 9th grade. I loved going there with you. That place will always hold that special memory. I took so many pictures and videos of you, and us. I still have them all. Weeks past, I decided to move out of my roommates house and move back home. You helped me move all my stuff back home, and later that night we went out to eat with your cousin. Life was going good, I was happy.. Until on the way home, I seen your ex’s name pop up on your car radio. My heart sunk, but I played it off like I didnt see it. We got to my house, I gave you the last kiss that we ever had. I got in my house and broke down. Why? We were so happy and finally in a great place with eachother. I thought to myself this is just a really bad dream. But it wasn’t. You said it was nothing, but I couldn’t belive it. I didn’t see a reason for you to still be talking to her. So we broke up. A couple months go by, and  I didnt get my period, and I thought I was pregnant. I kept getting faint lines on tests, even though by that point, they would’ve been coming up dark. But I read all this stuff online. That is could happen to some people where they have faint lines their whole pregnancy, or they never get a positive test when they are in fact pregnant. So I believed I was, I kept taking more and more tests, I was even starting to look pregnant. I told you I was, and I was scared. I couldnt talk to you. I didnt want to go to the dr because I went there years prior telling her I thought i was pregnant and I wasnt, so i didnt wanna look crazy again. So i kept it to myself, my stomach kept getting bigger, no period, had all the symptoms. I still have pictures, and Im sure I still have tests hidden somewhere. I didnt know what to do our expect. I was like “Am I really gonna have a baby in March?” Well March comes, and surely enough I wasnt pregnant. I went through a phantom/hysterical pregnancy. I was in a really dark place after that. What I went through was not easy. Its a real thing. A month or two past and I heard from my coworker who also works a 2nd job at your moms work, that she knew your mom and your mom asked about me and if i really had a baby. So I texted your mom later that day and explained everything. I messaged you the next day to talk. I explained everything, and you were understanding, I think. It was almost a year at that point that I seen you, and I really wanted to meet up and talk about it in person. But you were dating someone at this time. You told me that we could be friends, and talk to eachother, which I was happy about. But there were times I told you I love you and how I missed you, and even though you were dating someone, and I knew that.. something felt off. I knew something was up. Because in the past if we were talking, and you were dating someone else you would come back to me. As bad as that sounds. I said to myself why do I feel like this girl is gonna end up pregnant in the next couple months... Well funny enough, the next night im at work and I open twitter, and I seen you announced that you guys were having a baby. My heart dropped more than it did the first time. I was having a full blown anxiety attack while trying to work. It was a mix of emotions from what I had just went thru, to wondering why and how did you let that happen. It all made sense though to why you were acting off. I left you alone. But I was still hurt and upset over the news. People from our highschool made tweets and shit and me being hurt, decided to make a post myself. You weren’t too happy about that. I do apoligize for writing it. But you have to see it from my point of view. I want to be happy for you, but I cant. Because we were never supposed to be over. You are the love of my life. My highschool sweetheart. I wanted to marry you. I still do. And it sucks to know that it will most likely never happen. I’ve been single for a year and like 2 months now since we broke up. I haven’t had any interest in talking to someone knew. A couple months ago, I did try to talk to people, because I have no one to talk to in general, I tried to find connecitons with people, but I literally can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop holding on to hope. There is no one else I want but you. And it breaks my heart. I still cry for you. I still think about you, everyday. This post is obviously very very long. And if you took the time to read all of it, thank you. Even though I know nothing is going to come out of this I had to let it all out. The other night literally every single memory I had with you came rushing back, and I had to write it all out. We have had soooo many good times, and bad. But the good outweighs the bad. I truly think we were meant to be together. Maybe some day we will cross paths again. I’ve been writing for hours, and my eyes hurt, my vision is blurry. I just want to say I love you Anthony Jaskowiak, and I always will. 

[sleepychai]

Vent

so this will be new and something you dont normally see on blogs but i really just need to get this out to someone other than my family, my friends and my school counsellor.

i’ve been pushing these feelings of neglect, anger, sadness, guilt and all of that down for so long. i’ve been refusing myself from even feeling like this because i feel like i dont deserve it but it’s slowly killing me and someday i’m nt sure if i’ll be able to stop myself. so i am writing this here in case i do take it too far.

i have been through a lot recently, and a lot through my past. i cant go through one day without contemplating whether i deserve a happy life or not.

theres a lot to read because theres a lot to my life so if you dont want to read about my rant or you dont want me to ruin your day, than scroll down and continue with whatever the fuck youre doing.

so i need to clarify a few things before i get into details.

my family isnt a healthy one, theres no question about it. my parents aren’t married and never were. they despise each other yet still had three kids, me being the oldest. they hate each other so much that they get verbally and on minor counts physically abusive towards each other if left alone for too long. my dad has met and married a woman named sue then proceeded to have two more kids with her making me the oldest out of five. my mum has also met a man named brad more on his shit later.

life has never been easy on my, even when i was born. i was born as a mistake that my dad never gave permission for. my mum deliberately lied to my dad so she could get pregnant. then when i was actually born, i got passed on to my nan (my mums mum) for the first two years of my life because my parents were incapable of taking care of me.

my mum was sixteen when i was born and my dad was 18-19, both dropped out mid-way of high school. my mum refused to work at all which forced my dad to take on 3 jobs just to cover the necessities.

when my parents finally decided to take me back, it went ok. i moved up to queensland for a bit and had a nice time for a bit, until my mum burnt her hand in the toaster and we had to move back down to melbourne because there were better doctors down there. many fights ha occurred during that time and my brother was born around that time as well. he also got diagnosed with autism which only shattered our family more.

so by the time we moved back down, things were going okay-ish. i attended a good school there, i had lots of friends, i was getting good grades even advancing a bit. but as my sister came into this world, life took another turn for hell. my dad wanted all three of us kids because he believed that he could provided more for us but my mum refused and threw a knife at my dad. my dad left that day and never moved back in but still kept in touch with us whenever he could. my mum moved in with my nan which already had my two uncles living there already so it was a very packed house. i moved schools which was very hard for me because i tended to move schools a lot.

there i met many friends and even had a relationship with someone. i dont want to go to details with this because i told someone once and they bullied me for it.

so a year went on with nothing bad going on but then life once again decided to pay a visit. in year 5, i moved houses once again and had a park across the street, there i met a girl and became friends with her and had a good relationship with her. her name is brodie and we were bffs back then. but it wasnt for good. we had a lot of fights between us to the point where our parents had to get involved. but then after a few days we became friends again and met a few other people and became friends with them

throughout the two years we had a few other fights and she exploited all the secrets i had told her, secrets that i wished to keep but never did. she and her friends bullied me and sent threats to me in so many ways it nearly made me want to kill myself. at that point of time i didnt know what suicide was or what cutting was but i ha thoughts of knifes often that it scared me. i never told my parents anything but they knew about the fight. for two whole months i was stuck in my house because i was too scared to go outside, afraid that the kids would show up and bully me again. it wasnt until she said sorry at school that i was stupid enough to trust her again. we ended up having another fight then went back to being friends. after our year 6 graduation we had another fight. this fight was my fault. most people wouldnt put it that way because it was really my fault but the fight was about me. my parents agreed that it’d be better if i move out of my mums house and move in with my dad, away from all the bad shit and into a better neighbourhood, a new life as some might say. and with that move i was going to over moving to a girls school. brodie is a huge homophobic and once she heard the news about my school, she and her friends started calling me lesbain and a bitch just for going to an all girls school. when i left that place, i left the memories there. or so i thought

around this time is also the time when my dad met my soon to be step mum from his work so i was slowly getting to know her then as well. my grand nan also was moving away to tasmania so i wouldnt get to see her as often as i did. i’ve always had a good relationship with my nan and grand nan mainly because i got spoilt and lived with them for the first two years of my life. my mum was also really lazy and barely left the couch. if she did, it would be to go grocery shopping or to make us dinner. also me and my mum suffered from epilepsy but she was worse then me but i still had to take medicine everyday and she had to take six. because of her severe seizures she sometimes had if she forgot to take her medication, she was exempt from obtaining her license unless she was seizure free for two years, and she didnt get her license until a few months before my graduation. the end of year 6 was also the time my mum met her dick shit of a boyfriend.

now i am not going to lie here, he was an absolute prick. he also had two kids with an abusive relationship with his partner, but all he fucking cared about was fucking my mum and playing his fucking car games. he even updated his game using our internet which was already going at the speed of a fucking snail. he practically lived with us then and i caught them in the living room once. IN TH FUCKING LIVING ROOM. i never sat on that couch again and that experience had scarred me terribly.

anyway so i moved in with my dad and step mum sue in a small house and attended the girls school that we appeared to be just out of the zone for but still got me in. i didnt have any friends at that stage but everything was going okay there, apart from the homework. a fews months later in year seven, dad and sue got married. a couple more months after that sue was announced pregnant with my half sister. life took another turn after that. we had to start searching for a new home because we only had two bedrooms an i was already having to share my room once a fortnight with my siblings.

money wasnt easy on us. but to be fair we did go on our annual camping trips and went up to noosa once for a vacation so we had our good times as well as the bad. during year 7 i was also grounded a lot because im me.

anyway when we moved to our current house, things were going down hill a lot

money became s big issue with the whole new renovations being done to the house, my sister being admitted to the hospital multiple times for her ears, my schooling not doing to well. the only good thing is that I finally made a group of friends that I still am very great friends with today.

so after that fiasco died down, things started returning to normal, at least for this side of the family. 

my mum eventually moved with with dick milk and her relationship with him continued to progress even though it shouldn’t have. She finally got a job by then, a very low income job. i had a lot of fights with my mum then and it didn’t help with dick milk getting in the way. a couple months went on when shit started hitting the fan again. a tree had fallen on top of the house which luckily didn’t damage anything, dads shoulder fucked itself which made sue have the pressure of more work but she didn’t have to do much considering my dads low income and her very high income. it still gave her a lot of pressure. When my dad finally got back to work it started getting a little bit better. 

By this time I was introduced to anime and fanfiction and Tumblr and all that. Anime and fanfic seemed to be my getaway from life as the months continued on. 

Last year sue announced that she was pregnant once again. I didn’t believe it at first but as it hit the eight month mark I finally had to come to belief of it. When he was born, my life changed forever, and not for the good. 

This leads to the current problems. Being the oldest out of five is really something that puts a huge weight on your shoulders especially since your parents are continuously fighting for one child custody and you being the one that represents the one potentially good side. 

Ok so my dad wants custody for my sister when she hits high school but my mum is refusing it. Because I live with my dad, it’s up to me to represent him because in the end he is better for her. But me and my dad haven’t been in good terms lately. Also because my dad and I aren’t doing to well with our relationship, my mum has started showing me love and care something that she usually lacks of. 

Anyway, so that’s leaving me confused because I have no idea where I am in the world. And my schooling isn’t doing to well either because I’m pretty much failing every class. So right now I’m just a confused fucked up being. I’m questioning a lot of things lately. I don’t know my sexuality. I don’t know where I belong in the world. I don’t know whether I belong in this world. I don’t know if I deserve to be in this world. I’m feeling neglected upon my family and some of my friends. I feel lost and hopeless. I feel guilty because I know that all my problems are some form or another my fault. I feel upset because I hardly ever get the attention I want. I haven’t had the affectionate attention for ages, I haven’t had the living care of affection from my family for months now. 

Being the oldest out of five isn’t always a happy thing to reflect on. i crave for the affectionate attention that i have been neglected of. Sure call me an attention whore, call me a slut, a bitch, an asshole, a fucking selfish bitch. I’ve heard it all from myself and my family. I feel like a huge burden to my family and even question my place in it. 

I have even gone as far as to violently scratch myself. And you know what’s worse? I actually enjoyed it. I enjoyed bringing myself pain and that scares me. I don’t want to think these things but I have no other choice to. Writing seems to be my break from everything, it’s my freedom and I’m often ripped away from that freedom. I’m a narcissist and there’s nothing that will change that and now you know why. 

I just needed to get this out to someone other than the people I know. If you made it this far, thank you for continuing this rant and I’m sorry if I wasted ur time. i just wanted to tell you that even if your life may suck a little bit right now, stop and consider the rest of the people, im not saying to just consider my life story, im not the only one in the world with many problems. im saying that even if you seem to have one big problem, take a step back and appreciate what you have, i dont have much to appreciate but dont let the small things bring you down. ive been unfortunate to let them get to me, but dont let them get to you. please

thats it for now, if you dont want to read my vents and rants, them skip them, theres probably going to be a lot more in the future.

[shiningpanda]

Hi..

Hi.. um, I’m sorry for bothering your time and tagging you like this.

First of all, I want to tell you about myself, I hope you dont mind.

I never heard of One Direction until maybe 2 years ago. Of course my friends in high school sometimes mention them, but I dont pay attention enough. All I know about them is their song What Makes You Beautiful. That’s it.

Until 2 years ago, I found a new hobby, read fanfictions. Lot and lots of them. At first, I read fanfictions about Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds. And one day, someone in my dashboard reblog a fanfiction about Harry. That’s when I know Harry, know about 1D. I didnt understand why I secretly enjoy read fanfictions about him, I did not even know anything about him anyway. Long short story, I followed a lot of Harrie’s blogs. I started listening to 1D’s songs. And surprisingly, I love their songs. Sometimes I wonder where I’ve been all this time?

But I dont dare to call myself a Directioners. Yes I love them, I love their songs, I love how their songs attached deeply to me. I love how my heart melt everytime I’m listening to 18 or A.M or Story Of My Life. I love how my eyes can widely open everytime I’m listening to Drag Me Down (so I use this song to be my alarm every morning). I love everything about them, especially Harry. But the most important thing is I love read fanfictions about Harry.

But once again, I dont dare to call myself a Directioners. I just feel like I dont good enough for them, I dont good enough for this fandom. This fandom is too beautiful for me. So I stay behind the curtain, enjoy when you all having conversation in my dashboard, enjoy every single thing when you all comments about something and making good jokes or something like that. You cant imagine how excited I am when I scroll my dashboard and I found one or two or some fanfictions. You cant imagine how I cant wait to go home after a long day at college to read all of your beautiful writing. I remembered when Harry launched SOTT, I got really excited, I cried when I’m listening to that song. That’s when I know I fell in love with Harry. After that song released, I remember a lot of writers show their best talent to appreciate that song. And I fell in love with harry’s fanfictions over and over again.

Everything is good, until Camille come into harry’s life. I remembered when Nick interviewed him and asked him about Camille, and his answer is “I dont know her, but I think she is a wonderful person.”

I trust him.

I mean, he is Harry, our Harry, he never lied to us, right?

And then I remembered some days later, he got caught in a concert with Camille.

I’m wrong. He lied. He lied to me. (at least that’s what I thought)

His lying is the last thing I want. I’ve been disappointed enough with my mom who always fat-shaming me, I’ve been disappointed enough with my dad who forced me to do something I dont want (and cant) to do. I thought he can be a good distraction for me from this reality. I thought he can be my safe place, the one who I can trust enough, eventhough he is not real to me. But no, his lying broke my heart. I disappointed with him. But deep down I know, I disappointed with myself. Why I trust someone too much. Why I trust him like he is never gonna hurt me. Why I’m letting myself into this over and over again.

I keep telling myself that his relationship is not my business. I keep telling myself that it’s okay, it doesnt change anything. He is still Harry. But my other mind telling me that it cant be same, he is not the Harry that I used to know.  and camille’s image doesnt help this at all.

Sometimes I wonder, why dont I quit this fandom. Just closed my tumblr account, and focus to my life, and he’ll be forgotten from my mind, right?

But I cant.

Close my tumblr means I have to forget all talented writers, close my tumblr means I cant read your fanfictions anymore. And it’s worse than lose Harry. You cant imagine how your fanfictions are my lifesaver after a long day. You cant imagine how excited I am when I open my tumblr and there are some new fanfictions. You cant imagine how happy I am when I find that new chapter of a story come out. You cant imagine how your fanfictions can make my day better, when I have a bad day. You cant imagine how your fanfictions motivate me to write of my own story. You cant imagine how your fanfictions make new world for me. I always feel sad when I scroll my dashboard and find a writer announce her hiatus or closing her tumblr account because she doesnt feel appreciated enough. I tried my best to appreciate them, but maybe it’s not enough, sometimes I ask them anonymously, sometimes I dont, because  my phone cant open tumblr too often. But I really tried my best. All I want to say to every writers is; your pieces of writing are worth it. every stories you’ve made are amazing. I cant thank you enough for them. Without them, I dont think I can survive. Keep writing, keep imagining, because who knows, your stories can save someone’s life like me.

Im sorry I cant tag everyone in this fandom, but if you dont mind you can tag every writer you know, because you all are worth it. 

@roseonhissleeve @twerkit-hxrry @secret-rendezvous1d @harry-writings @two-swallows-above-a-butterfly @in-the-name-of-styles @kissme-hs @kasiwrites @lovingstyles87

[veola9891-blog]

Suicide

Well what a way to start off my first blog , talking about suicide huh? I was gonna talk about how my morning went with my son because it was a rough one. He was super moody. But instead decided this. I came across a story this morning , or more a less an example. I’m gonna paste it , then after the story I’m gonna write some more. *BEGINNING* Want to kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother or sister knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days. It’s two years later. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. Stay strong 💕 *END* I’m gonna guess by this point you have tears in your eyes or are fully crying. For me I cried. How many of you have struggled with suicide attempts or at least thoughts ? I know most likely a lot of people. Thoughts more or so less than actually acting upon it. For me i would say suicide thoughts started around she 13. Something always had me down. I was bullied by this one particular kid , who by the way as an adult ended up alogozing to me and said he only did that because he thought I was better than him. Regardless I didn’t know that at the time but he just always gave me shit. Then there was a kid who would give me shit on the bus. It was so bad I ened up losing it on the bus one time because regardless of how many times he got in trouble he wouldn’t stop. My bus driver just let me go off on him because she could tell I was tired. Tired of always dealing with his non needed crap. I was always getting in trouble at hime for something. Me and dad would fight or me and my mom would discuss something or id do something wrong and she would ssy she wouldnt tell my dad but then would. There was times when my dad thought i was acting up he would go throught my room and take everything out or habe trash bags of stuff he was throwing away. There were times I would self harm as in I’d hit myself , that was the start. Then I read this book called cuts. So I thought maybe if I do that I’ll feel better. I remeber the first time I did it was nervous. But it was just scrstches honestly. Id use a safety pin. Then as stuff got more stressful at home I began using razor blades. Still not very deep just superficial, but I would do so many . Over time it just got worse , I would cut for whatever reason , regardless if I was happy or sad , at school or at home. I never really talked to anyone about any of this except one friend at school but I think eventually my parents were starting to catch on. My mom broke into my diary one day found out I was cutting and took me to see a counselor and they sent me to a psych hospital. It was just a pattern from there out. Group home , psych hospital. I was always doing something wrong. My attitude was wrong, my actions, the cutting. I lived in a group home my first suicide attempt. I stole a whole bottle of pills out of my teachers desk which I didn’t know what it was I just wanted to take it all! Snuck it into the group home then went into the bathroom and with just water in my hands slowly took the whole entire bottle. It didn’t take long before someone noticed I was looking funny I was getting really dizzy. They kept asking me what I did and I wouldn’t budge. They took me to the hospital and I finally told them what I did. They had to do a blood test to find out what I took and I had to drink this nasty charcoal stuff and spent the night in icu. Its so crazy to because i remeber being so scared to go to sleep that night that I wouldn't wake up. It goes to show that deep down i didnt want to die. Just wanted a temporary fix to my pain. But anyway What it was was doctor prescribed Tylenol. I almost shut my liver down. My attempt was not successful obviously nor did it do me any good. I got sent to a bootcamp place the next day left the hospital in handcuffs and shackles. I wanted to scream. I just tried to kill myself and I get sent to a freaking boot camp?! All that crap went on until I was almost 18. 5 years of back forth to different places all for my cutting and behavior. My past is something I will never forget but I’m glad to be alive because granted I went through things, hard things I feel , im close with God , me and my parents have a good relationship now, I also have a wonderful little boy and husband . All my hard times Have helped me get to where i am today .suicide def was not the answer but seemed like it was. You can over come anything , having the right positive surroundings and people in your life. For me my husband and me met when I was 12 and 13. We always tried to stay in contact while I was away but I wanted to see him so I tried to push through it all. It was a struggle there’s no denying that. But from my experience If my child is harming themselves , sending them away is the last thing I will do. Get them help yes. But I can’t put them thro what I went thro. I feel like I’m rambling now & this is the short version og my story lol. But there is a always a bright side at th3 end of the tunnel. Open up talk to someone , it can help.