#i didnt sleep at all last night bc of the winds

[splattacks]

i am. overwhelmed

[protosstar]

.

[tiredstressedemotionalmess]

Killjoys week Day 1 - Memories

for @chaos-in-bright-pink-hair-dye 's killjoy week! absolutely no guarantee that ill actually finish the rest of these prompts bc i only found out abt this last night and wrote this first prompt in a sudden fit of creative inspiration. regardless this was very fun to do and i totally didnt tear up a bit while writing it!! :D maybe ill stick it on ao3 later bc i actually really like it, who knows?

Time feels as though it moves in slow motion as Kobra watches Korse slam Party against the wall across the lobby. He's starts running right as their back collides with pristine white tile, screams their name so loud even hes deaf to it as the barrel of a gun is jammed under their chin. He shoots blindly as he surges forward, clearing a path of fallen dracs, stepping on and over bodies like they're nothing but rocks in the sand. He's numb to the dozens of laserbeams that must sear his skin, doesn't feel or hear or see a single thing except for the red of his sibling's hair and the panic flooding their amber eyes.

For some reason, it makes Kobra think of August. He's not sure how long ago the last August was- hell, it could be August right now and he wouldn't even know. It could be Party's birthday right now and they'd both be none the wiser. They'd be twenty-one or twenty-two now, Kobra thinks, heart racing, stomach twisting, blood pounding away in his ears like his own personal drum kit come score his memories and play out his final scene. He'd asked his parents for a drumest one year for his birthday, stupidly, foolishly. They'd laughed him off in the moment, acting as though the request were the funniest joke they'd ever heard. When the day came around, he'd received a glimmering yellow dress and a new batch of pills to match. Late at night, after everyone else in the house had gone to sleep, Party had slipped a new tape under his door- a recording of a live set fresh and hot from the zones, featuring a nearly ten minute drum solo that Kobra still has memorized to this day.

The blood rushing in his veins changes its rhythm to match.

Party always asked for the same gift for their birthday, and every year they received it without fail- "I wanna go for a walk in the park with Addie". They were accompanied by their parents when they were younger, of course. Some of Kobra's favorite memories of his parents- the only good ones still intact really- are from those days on or just after Party's birthday, where Mom would be holding Party's hand, pointing out the different flowers that bloomed among the grass as they walked. Kobra would always wind up being carried on Dad's back, his arms slung around the man's neck in the closest thing Kobra would ever get to a real hug from the man. Kobra remembers whispering into his ear as they walked, pointing out nonsense only a child could understand, telling jokes that weren't funny but made his father laugh brightly all the same. Those moments are the only times Kobra can remember hearing the sound of his father's laughter. He thinks it might be one of his favorite sounds, right up there with the drum solo still pounding away at his skull.

Party's birthday gift changed as they got older, though. Mom and Dad got busier and busier, and Party became more and more responsible, and eventually they were allowed to take Kobra on their birthday walk all by themself. Nothing bad could happen to them anyways, right? They lived in Battery City- they'd be safe and sound regardless of whether or not Mom and Dad were there; the company would protect them. The only thing their parents ever seemed concerned about was Kobra causing trouble, "making a scene in public" as they called it. Kobra can still feel the stinging ache that blossomed in his chest each year as he was reminded- reprimanded- by Mom to "behave", "don't cause any distractions", "just act normal like your big brother does". The stinging would turn to burning would turn to imploding in on himself as he was forced to listen as Party's only instruction was to keep an eye on him, to make sure he stayed "well behaved".

It never really was Kobra they had to worry about, though.

Of all the walks they took on their own, Kobra still thinks the first time has got to be his favorite. The sly, anticipatory look in Party's eye had caused a slowly intensifying excitement to bubble up in Kobra's chest- they were planning something he just knew it. Kobra will never forget the way party smirked as they had grabbed his hand and pulled guided him off their usual path about halfway through the park. He'll always remember the way the smell of flowers and freshly cut grass melted into that of dirt and asphalt and oil and Party pushed their way through the bushes and led him further and further away from the park. The walk to the slums was long, but Kobra could never call it tedious simply for the fact of how new it all was. He'd never been allowed in this part of the city before- never seen so many colors as in the flowers fields of graffiti that bloomed on the cracking sides of buildings, never seen people who looked so different, so cool in their torn jeans and studded leather. To this day, Kobra has no idea how Party knew of the show that was going on in the lower level of some old abandoned warehouse. It was clear it wasn't their first time in the neighborhood, however, and Kobra wonders if, maybe, that's just what the place was always like- a perpetual venue offering a free showcase of whatever shitty secret band had stumbled across it that day. Even in the tapes Party snuck him, he'd never heard music so loud, so aggressive, so beautiful that he could feel it shaking his ribcage and eating away at his heart.

From that year on, Party's birthday had transformed into Kobra's favorite day of the year. There were a couple of times when they didn't go to shows, perhaps because of caution lingering in the air due to raids on the place the night before, or perhaps because Party hadn't been feeling up to it themself, head no doubt pounding away to its own, painful beat as it seemed to do more and more frequently as they aged. Kobra never minded when they didn't go to shows, though- he had just as much fun listening to zonerunner's tales of the desert or droids stories of DESTROYA. Sometimes Party would chime in with myths of their own, melodies of death defying superheros and impossibly beaten odds spilling from their lips with an electric energy that kept a firm grip on the attentions of everyone in the room. Kobra always loved Party's stories the best, the way they'd reel you in with failure, crushing all the hero's hopes of winning, before pulling out the most shocking twist imaginable ending with the villains defeated and the heroes safe and sound despite the impossibility of their success. "Real heroes never give up," Party had said at the end of one of such stories; words are seared into Kobra's brain like a brand. "Real heroes never stop fightin', even when everyone and everything tells them they should."

He's almost there. He's just a few feet away. He raises his gun and attacks the trigger with his finger even though he knows he's out of ammo by now. He prays to every deity he's never once believed in for a miracle. He locks eyes with Party instead.

They smile at him as a bright white flash overtakes their skull, blocking their face from Kobra's vision. That smile remains burned on their lips as Korse steps back triumphantly and their body slides down the wall, their eyes nothing but empty pools of blown out amber, devoid of life in a way that reminds Kobra of City drugs and supervillians and the unhappy endings they always promised their stories would never have.

Kobra screams, the final melody needed to complete the song that's been stuck in his head for years. Drums fade out as he collapses forward, arm outstretched towards the one person who he'd always follow, always let take him by the hand and guide him off the path, through the bushes, into the slums, the desert, the beating heart of the City. He wonders if it really is August as his body collides with the ground. He wonders if Party would've liked to go back to the warehouse one last time.

The final song that plays in Kobra's head sounds a lot like happy birthday. He'll have to remember how to play it whenever he wakes up.

[suntraitor]

You got me, curious about the inscryption x hadestown au, explode your ramblings and go insane sharing your thoughts GO GO GO

AWESOME OK OK OK. disclaimer like i saaid in the notes about that post idk if its even an interesting au or compelling story, we made it sleep deprived while someone was joking around with our p03 and leshy. its a dumb silly au and it makes no sense but its MY cringe baby 😤😤😤 so. its not a shipping au despite hadestown being . yk. but theere is some shipping for plot reasons.

Hades - Leshy (I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS. you can tell i put a lot of thought into his and P03's relationhip in this au) Persephone - P03 (the fucking themes. the fucking THEMES.) Hermes - Grimora / Magnificus, haven't decided yet, leaning more towards grimora but i really want all 4 scrybes included :[ Orpheus - Luke (i hate that tuber boy sometimes but god damn it he will carry my story :salute emoji:) Eurydice - Kaycee. duh. (note: kaycee and luke r not shipped together in this au, they just exist to cary the plot) the fates - one of the scrybes cohorts because i think itd be funny. probably leshy's just bc of the hades thing but i think it could work with another's.

ive rewritten this post like 8 times because i just ramble endlessly about my little cringe baby au (none of my aus are good its all serotonin factory here boss).

SO PLOTLINE. i only have a feew songs in my head but the jist i it takes place after the old_data situation and p03 is away from leshy for the spring and summer n thats where luke initially learns about kaycee and starts researching her death and junk. major plot points i have is luke playing against leshy and reluctantly being told more information about her death, and its revealed he has her death card. other plot points: p03 staying with leshy over the other half of the year and their Strained Marriage (tm).

this lyric is so them. they hate each other theyre deeply in love their marriage is failing but they stay together despite it all nd in the end they try again. i know i kissed you once before but i didnt do it right can i try again and again and again /lyric does tht explain it. theres so many themes

anyway. i dont have a lot of the plot fully fleshed out bc tbh it doesnt make sense and mking it work with both stories is taking me a minute. but i love all the dumb little plot points i have made.

ithe song how long is their dynamic FR FR FR FR.

im trying to figure out how to encorperate orpheus going to the underworld nd trying to leave with eurydice into the au but like i might need to tweek the plot a bit bc its alreaady not 1.1 wwith hadestown story but still. the reasaon p03 and leshy are more fleshed out is bc this whole au started with me comparing our leshy and p03 to hades and persephone X] im just a humble kaycee fictive i lov my blorbos my oingy boingys.... :] the characters ever. but like i gen dont like tht luke and kaycee r the only decent options for orpheus nd eurydice bc i dont want to make them romantic!!!!! i hate the tuber guy but also their dynamic could be so silly. my aromantic ass making the iconic greek myth couple PLATONIC FRIENDS. happy ending the boy doesnt get the girl X]

more lyrics with THEMES.

like do u get my image here. grips ur shoulders. do you see them.

i cant screenshot all the lyrics but GOD. any way the wind blows is kaycees song FR FR FR.... her main character moment. right b4 she dies X]

some feverish shouting from me at like 5am last night

the au makes no sense but tht is ok... its my cringe bby and it makes me happy. thank u anon for asking me about it i loved being able to explode ill rb this with more info later

[brightwaterforarainyday]

Can you tell us about Ushag Veg Ruy? : )

Sure! Ushag Veg Ruy is a Manx lullaby you might have heard before? I think its fairly popular as far as celtic lullabys go. Anyways. It's a song about a little red bird who can't find a nice place to get a good nights sleep and I've always associated it with Lev (he's a little red(headed) bird from the black peat ground ((the rich soil around Westwood, a farming town)) So Im writing a story about it. In theory. It's about Lev's life from the night of his 13th birthday through settling in at the Shepherds compound and finally getting a metaphorical good nights sleep bc he finally has a place and community he feels secure in!

Did I not sleep last night on top of the bush.. With rain falling on every side And oh! wretched was my sleep

There was light, before. There was movement and sound and the close press of bodies but now there isnt. There isn't any of those things anymore because the absence is here. There isn't room.

It's winter. The ground is cold now. Nothing grows this time of year. Nothing good. The ground is cold on his knees and hands. The emptiness is here and there shouldn't be room for anything else. Shouldn't be room for him. Something bad happened. No it didn't. Not yet.

Time is broken. The shards of it are a part of the absence, the stillness. They hang suspended in it, sharp and shattered and still. If he doesn't move they wont fall, won't start again. If everything stays exactly how it is it's almost like nothing happened at all. The shards won't fall. Time won't move forward. He won't have to think or feel or know anything about anything. Everything is stopped. There is nothing to understand. To experience. There is nothing and the nothing is vast and weighty. It doesn't leave room. Something bad happened.

....

Did I not sleep last night on top of the briar... While the wind was blowing all around And oh! wretched was my sleep

The man who found him didnt want him. There was never any question of this. Gavan Lewin had never wanted anyone ever, in his entire life. He wanted to be left alone to raise his chickens and goats and

(Somehow that knowledge – intrinsic, unstated, irefutable – never materialized into resentment. Even years later, looking back as best he can, trying to piece together – to inhabit, however briefly and carefully, his younger self – he never finds resentment for Gavan Lewin. He didn’t need to be wanted, he decides. He wouldn’t have known what to do with it.)

This is all very very rough for now obviously lmao but I'm excited to keep chipping away at it bc if I do finish it it'll be a) one of the longest things I've written in recent memory, which is not saying a ton but still like personally significant u kno and b) my first Shepherds of Haven fic that actually takes place in the Shepherds of Haven Universe ghdhslkdf

[lesbicastagna]

for no reasons at all (bored in class) im going to finally disclose in more clear detail what caused my great summer 22 breakdown

for this to work i need to set the scene a little. on excavations its very easy to get really close with people really quick. First because you work together. But then when youre done with the 8ish hours of work, you all live together in the same place so you essentially work eat and sleep together, also often in very spartan places so the spaces are Very shared.

For This excavation we were there 4 weeks. We were staying in an old kindergarten. 15/20 young adults (from 20 to 30 year more or less). The professor did Not stay with us (he was barely there on the work itself).

detail. he was close friends with another girl. Lets say shes A. they worked together before and they were on the same wavelength. me and her never worked in the same area, we got along but she wasnt in my closest circle lets say. That being said. we've had a..variety of moments. I liked her but i didnt have any projects to try anything Romantic for a lot of reasons. But she was..fond? of me. so we were kinda in this treshold.

The first 2 weeks i worked at the tower where the guy in question, lets call him C, also worked. I did not like him at all first impression he seemed like the worst type of guy you can find on excavations: obsessed, full of himself, generally weird not in the fun sense. im not above being superficial and saying that i didnt like him bc he was blond also....god forbid.

He actually turned out to be great! He was not full of himself and his obsession most of the time was genuine passion for the job, that he was very happy to share and i love people who can talk your ear off about topics, especially since it was my first medieval excavation so i didnt really know shit abt it. He had a variety of hobbies, most interestingly he worked with metals, in true medievalhead fashion he could do from jewelry to swords all by himself. All this being said i generally liked the guy (even if he was a workaholic and im. not. so we often argued on the job) but i didnt much of it. We share some interests in the sense that i can, obviously, talk about history and literature and poetry so we would often discuss also archeology obv (not by ourselves often with the others obviously you are Rarely alone with only one unless you like shower together and even then ive had showers with other 4 ppl so). But you have to understand again that i could say equally interesting and praising things about most of the people working with me: you just get to know eachother very quickly and very deeply!

SO. last night of the excavation. We did a big celebration dinner we ate and drank a lot and had a lot of fun generally. on this dinner we also talked a lot and its when i talked for 20 minutes with her abt literature (C was next to us too and at one point he lit my cigarette very homosexually like with his own sorry this is random i was. intoxicated so i remember bits and pieces from here).

At one point we go back to the school where we slept. We kept drinking and playing there and obviously started smoking weed at one point bc we are university students. From now on my recollection is kind of sparce because usually i hold my ground pretty well but with the food and the alcohol and Everything i got. Very high. Also it was like 4am and i hadnt slept. We finish smoking and the energy is winding down by now. We were in one of the shared rooms (not the one where i slept) on A's matress. Dont ask. I was very chill just laying there being silly.

I Cant...explain why i knew what it was supposed to be. Probably exactly why he chose to give me something like this. We did talk about christian literature and the gospels but not Specifically you know. To this day i cant say how he nailed it so well. So im like. Stopping him. C. are these supposed to be judas' pieces of silver? The ones he sold jesus for? And hes like. Yeah.

After a couple minutes C gets up and asks if he can talk to me. AGAIN i was Very chill, in general and with him too, so i didnt think much of it. This is a huge L for me tbh i considered myself good at understanding when men are interested in me and in damage control but alas.

We go out back, theres a little garden facing the hills so its very dark. I crack a joke i dont remember what but by his response i understand somethings is About To Go Down. Im in disbelief. He puts something in my hand, i feel fabric and the sound of metal clinking together but i cant see what it is. The situation is so surreal i keep being sarcastic. I feel around the little bag and im like: is there. Beer caps in here? Hes obviously very anxious despite also being very intoxicated. He starts explaining me how he worked on the gift. He collected beer caps and flattened them and put them in some solution to get the plastic color and logos off. he also made the satchel but i dont remember where he took the scraps fabric from. i dont remember probably bc as he was saying this i opened the bag and tried to look at the caps and as soon as i saw them i knew.

I dont remember how i got myself out of the tension i probably laughed hysterically because like. Come On. He started talking again and he was very obviously confessing. He complimented me, not my looks but my wits, how thoughtful i was despite initially coming off as abrasive. It was a very sweet and honest speech and to this day it haunts me in virtue of being one of the few confessions that did not mention my looks in any way. I immediately ruined it by being too high to have any tact and answering with, now infamous among my friends: ahah its because im a scorpio!

Curtains drawn, no applause. I think at that point one of the girls who slept in my room came looking for me and called me to bed. I thanked him profusely bc i was genuinely grateful but then i just went to my room. I didnt sleep. 5 minutes later it hit me: the coins, the garden. He wanted it to end in a judas' kiss. I was positively in a nervous fit by now and the only thing that helped was that everyone else in the room was Out but i definitely stayed up bent in half by guilt and anxiety all night. I heard him and A talk in the kitchen (it connected my room to theirs) but i couldn't make out the words.

Next morning we are closing site so we still Have to work. I try to distract myself and i wait for a moment where i can be with him alone because i wanted to apologize for my lack of tact in what was essentially a rejection. Hes very much avoiding me. Understandable. But im still very upset. I try to talk to A. I'm like. Im so sorry, but im not...into men? (i had talked abt being interested in women the weeks before so it wasnt a secret. its just not my style to come out as a lesbian formally). A was like "well it cant be helped then. He was kinda expecting the rejection dont worry. But im a little sad..i think you would have been great for him" WHATEVER? i was just so defeated at that point i was like.....alright. This girl i swear i was so smitten for her i just wasnt thinking straight because after all this she was like. Are you coming to my house with the others after we close today? We are going to a medieval fair tonight and you can all sleep over at my house my family isnt home. And i was like. Of Course im driving 2 hours to your fucking house and staying another day with this group where the boy i rejected also is!

I was just. Completely out of it by this point. I was on 2 hours of sleep still reeling from the night and with the exhaustion of 4 weeks of physical labour on my mind i was just. Out of touch. We close and i drive to her house. We were a smaller group at this point obv so we were like 8 ppl or smth. I will Not. Start with all the moments me and her had while i was at her house. Its just pathetic honestly. Me and C still were avoiding to be alone. I had too much on my mind.

We went to the fair. I managed to have fun, i was actually very excited to be there it was good. We ate there. I remember a moment of lucidity when we were sitting at the table (drinking again. I had to drive too idk what i was doing) and i was sitting between A and C and I was just like. There is no way this is happening. I fell off the excavation hill and im dying and my synapses are firing off. Understand i was at a medieval fair in this castle town with everyone dressed in period clothing and playing pretend. This requires more lore of my mindset but its not that hard to See Why i thought it was all a fabrication of my mind like im don chisciotte and ive read one epic too many.

We go back to her house. I dont remember much from the evening. I wake up the next day and finally get C alone. I apologize, i remember my frustration in trying to make him understand how i was feeling. He seemed ok enough.

We said our goodbyes and i had to drive all the way back home. Long story short i had a breakdown over not having enough gas to get home despite it being a completely solvable problem and i called my mom in tears crying how i was stupid and shitty and she was just like. Anna just fill the damn tank at a gas station. She witnessed the best of me that month.

[catgam]

long post/cbt kink talk

i think the reason looking at cbt porn last night gave me so much anxiety is bc it caused some bad dysphoria. to the point where i couldnt sleep till early this morning. maybe bc i havent done that in a month. its interesting. im usually someone who doesnt deal with genital dysphoria in the traditional sense. but something about the social dynamics in this kink brings it to the surface. probably bc a good chunk of my life engaging in it (maybe 10 years?) i was under the belief that i had to be a guy, so maybe its the fact that it reminds me too much of egg life (eggs in this context lol)

it reminds me too much of a time in my life where i was genuinely really afraid of women bc (at least in the 2000’s) of all the horror stories and shit i witnessed with girls doing this to boys just for the hell of it. and granted that tends to just be school age behavior.

i probably internalized a lot that “this will happen to me too” “but its kind of weird that it hasnt” which is a conflicting feeling. being afraid of something but also surprised that its not happening to you. wondering if it means something is wrong with you that this normal but fucked up thing isnt happening to you. so you begin to desire what you fear, bc you will at least feel normal from having this experience, right?

and then 2015 flips everything around bc i realized i am not a fucking boy at all, and i am trans, and all these repressed trans things come to the surface from childhood

this kink then evolves to be me getting punished for my transness. yea im fr lol. plus i didnt really ever see trans girls into it for a long time (these days i do) which made me again feel weird and not normal.

“does this kink mean im not really trans? not really a girl? but what if i used this to become more of a girl??? what if it lead to the correct genital damage to become a girl?”

theres honestly too much to unpack, but i think you might get the gist of what im saying

im partly disturbed bc it always feels like it has a lot to say about gender and my relation to gender.

one thing i guess ill leave my thoughts on and this is what really makes me want to quit this stupid shit without looking back. its that ive realized why it never was happening to me. its bc i am not a guy lol

its bc i dont do the shit that makes ppl want to do this to guys. nobody wants to do this to me bc i am fundamentally, as a person, someone who doesn't deserve to be hit in the balls, and everyone can tell lol.

its like how your bullies know youre queer before you do lol

(to be clear i'm not trying to imply men deserve it either)

basically my long winded point here is this:

cbt causes me genital dysphoria bc of my complicated ass life navigating as an egg using this kink and how it all evolved post-2015 when i came out. bc it did change fundamentally when i started aggressively rejecting male identity. every aspect of it tho feels unhealthy at this point, and feels contradictary to everything im about these days. self love has never been as much of a priority to me as it has in recent months. between the cancer, the therapy, and the opening up to people much more than i ever have. before 2023 i literally never told a soul that i had a cbt/ballbusting kink bc of the shame involved. actually opening up about it has done quite a lot for me to be honest. i always expected ppl to judge me hard for it, but really nobody cares either way lol

so in a sense i have gotten a lot more closure around this topic recently. i really was feeling happy thru out may bc of me not engaging it much this month. until last night i felt sure it was over.

but i can see this isnt something i can casually be over with. i probably need to aggresively decide its over. like with any other self destructive tendancy

thank you for reading this btw it means a lot 💖

[m323200]

2x02: Loss: Part 1

Takes like about 7 1/2 months after they broke up, and got back together a few days after. 

Luke is 17 and Isabella is 16, the month of this story is during April, last chapter/part took place during September. 

Warnings: SMUT, SEX: Luke and Isabella have sex in this story, it doesn't go on for the whole story, it's certain parts

-Inspired by season 7 episode 22 of Double Click-

p.s, since they are at the age where people at age 16 or older do sex, there might be some of some mentions in upcoming stories.

WARNING

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WARNING

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WARNING

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YOUR ENTERING STORY THAT HAS SMUT! 

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DONT SAY I DIDNT WARN YOU BC I DID

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The night draped the Dunphy household in an intimate cloak of darkness, punctuated only by the soft rustle of sheets and the hushed whispers of the wind outside. Restless, I shifted in bed, the weight of anticipation and nerves settling heavily in my stomach. Tonight felt different, charged with an electricity that crackled in the air, sending shivers down my spine.

Beside me, Luke's breathing was ragged, his fingers tracing patterns along my skin and touching my boobs. I felt like there was sparks flying through my veins. We had talked about this moment countless times, but now that it was here, the reality of it all seemed to loom over us like a shadow, both exhilarating and daunting in equal measure.

With a tentative touch, I reached out to brush my fingers against Luke's cheek, my heart pounding in my chest as I searched his eyes for reassurance. He met my gaze with a mixture of excitement and desire, his hand finding mine in a silent gesture of solidarity. Surprisingly his dick is more than 5 1/2 inches long. I felt very nervous and so did he as it's our first time having sex.

"We don't have to do this if you're not ready," he murmured, his voice a soothing balm against my nerves.

I shook my head, a determined glint in my eye as I squeezed his hand in return. "I want to," I whispered, my voice trembling with anticipation. "With you, I want it to be with you. Also you have a condom right?..."

"Yes" he said and his smile was tender, his touch gentle as he leaned in to press a kiss to my lips. "I love you," he whispered, his words a vow that echoed in the stillness of the night.

Luke kept doing it slowly so we don't make a noise. We probably did it fast and slow. I had both of my hand on his chest and i slowly put my hands on his abs. It felt like we were having the time of our life. But as we were caught in the moment, we made a noise. The headboard made a sound and we quickly stopped and I hid under the covers like you were sleeping. The sound of movement in the hallway jolted us from our reverie, sending a surge of panic coursing through my veins.

Luke froze beside me, his eyes widening in alarm as we both realized the gravity of the situation. We listened as Phil's footsteps drew closer, the anticipation of discovery hanging heavy in the air. 

When Phil's voice pierced the silence, a jolt of adrenaline surged through me, propelling me into action. We scrambled to compose ourselves, frantically pulling apart in a desperate attempt to conceal the truth of what had transpired, but as Phil's flashlight illuminated the room, casting harsh shadows against the walls, our facade crumbled under the weight of his scrutiny. His stunned expression mirrored my own sense of disbelief, the reality of our situation hitting me like a sledgehammer.

For a fleeting moment, time seemed to stand still as Phil's gaze locked with mine, his eyes wide with shock and disbelief. I searched for words to explain, to justify our actions, but found myself speechless in the face of his unspoken condemnation.

"Claire", Phil whispers, and he kept saying it till she wakes up. "What's going on?" Claire's voice was laced with concern as she surveyed the scene before her. Phil struggled to find the right words, his explanation stumbling over the weight of the truth.

"There's a girl in Luke's bed," he blurted out, his words tinged with disbelief. Claire's eyebrows shot up in surprise, her gaze flickering between Phil and me as she processed the revelation.

"Where's Luke?" she asked, her voice tinged with concern. Phil's response was a hesitant gesture towards the bed, his expression a mix of embarrassment and disbelief.

"In the bed with her," he explained, his voice barely above a whisper. Together, we approached Luke's bed, the weight of uncertainty pressing down on us like a heavy fog.

Before they head in, I hid in the closet and I made sure I had all my clothes because in the movies, they always leave something behind. And once they head in, Phil knew he wasn't imagining once I was gone. Phil said in a whisper-confident voice, "There was a girl in the bed with Luke!". "It was probably his Chewbacca doll that he slept with. And that's probably the only thing he'll be in bed with. Plus it's dark, and we shared an entire bottle of wine." Claire replied.

Once they left, I quietly left the closet and we, well me, decided to stop, I thought it was risky and we knew that there's a chance that us dating would get out...again. I climbed out the window and head back to Gloria and Jay's before someone I know sees me.

In the morning, I headed over to the Dunphy's house and as I watched Alex walk out, his departure leaving a void in the room, Luke's cheerful demeanor caught me off guard. His whistling filled the air, a stark contrast to the tense atmosphere that lingered in the wake of Phil's discovery.

I couldn't help but feel a pang of unease, knowing that all eyes were now on Luke, his carefree attitude drawing attention like a beacon in the darkness. Andy's playful remark only added to the mounting tension, his words echoing the unspoken truth that hung heavy in the air.

"Someone woke up in a good mood," Andy observed, his tone laced with curiosity. "And there's only one reason a teenage boy is ever like that."

Before I could process Andy's implication, Phil interjected with a forced enthusiasm that bordered on desperation. "Yeah! Because it's family camp training day," he exclaimed, his words ringing hollow in the face of our shared secret.

I watched as Phil attempted to divert attention away from the elephant in the room, his efforts a futile attempt to mask the truth that lay just beneath the surface. "Luke and I are training for the big famcathalon," Phil continued, his voice strained with forced cheerfulness. "You're carb-ing good idea buddy!"

Andy's puzzled expression mirrored my own sense of bewilderment, his confusion palpable as he struggled to make sense of Phil's erratic behavior. But deep down, I knew the truth that Phil was desperately trying to deny, a truth that threatened to unravel the fragile facade of normalcy we had constructed.

As I made my entrance, Luke's presence beside me offered a small measure of comfort, his familiar warmth a reassuring anchor in the storm. But even as he sat down next to me, his plate piled high with food, I couldn't shake the gnawing sense of apprehension that gnawed at my insides.

Luke's voracious appetite drew a chuckle from Andy, his comment a fleeting distraction from the tension that pulsed through the room. "Hungry dude!" Andy remarked, his tone light but tinged with uncertainty.

Phil saw how close Isabella and Luke were and he notice what is one their necks, he thought it was a hickey or a bump, but he seized the opportunity to steer the conversation back towards safer waters, his insistence on family camp serving as a thinly veiled attempt to avoid the uncomfortable truth that lurked just beneath the surface. "HUNGRY FOR FAMILY CAMP!" Phil exclaimed, his voice bordering on manic as he attempted to rally enthusiasm for the upcoming event.

But despite Phil's best efforts, the truth remained unspoken, hanging in the air like a heavy fog. And as I exchanged a knowing glance with Luke, our shared secret weighing heavily on our hearts, I couldn't help but wonder how long we could keep up this up until it gets loose.

[berryunho]

why is that so complicated omg😭 i think it might depend on the school?? but each class is with 0.5 credits if it lasts a term, 1.0 if it's a full year course, and 0.25 if it's quarter of the term. i also have a designated amt of credits needed for my major and im free to use the rest wherever. ajwriog why are you doing an overload 😭 i couldnt even handle 5 last year so now im take 4 courses

that's so cool!! how did you learn korean? was it like classes then watching shows with subtitles or smth?

omg haha i did all my biostat/stat requirements last year and really both of them were review of each other... it was pretty funny. that is so true!!! we'll see how things go. the neuro courses offered seem so interesting even if i didnt minor in it, i'd still take them ugh

haha my campus buildings are like that too. today's so windy oml it's also 15/60 but with the wind and all its fucking freezing like NO stop it dfgklj

YES LMAOOOO that was me last night doing my assignment. i finally sat my ass down and read over the textbook sections and did practice problems before attempting and i've got most of it down

it's okay i write too much in my asks anyway oigjrog pen pal vibes right?@?#@

i'm going clubbing tmr with a friend it'll be a nice way to wrap up the week if i dont freeze my butt off outside !!! do you have any plans for the weekend?

-mightychondria

yeah i have no idea who made that system up it really does not make sense now that i tried to explain it 😭😭 yours makes a lot more sense omg lsdkjf;asld im taking an overload bc im so scared of not graduating in 4 years for some reason so i basically take as many as i think i can handle every semester 😭

hmmm well i seriously studied daily. for. twoish. years. using talktomeinkorean and i completed their entire course JFSKLDFJLKSD the later lessons definitely have faded completely from my memory but the more relevant daily grammar/vocab stuck w me and i attribute that SOLELY to being a kpop stan bc i literally hadnt studied in 5 years before like 3 weeks ago when school started 😭😭😭 rn i typically try to watch things w korean subtitles esp like. modern dramas bc all the speech is so easy and standard but i typically give up when it comes to kpop content bc yk these idols talk over each other and yell and dont speak in full sentences and switch up formality BUT ANYWAYS highly recommend talktomeinkorean they taught me everything i know LOL

yes i totally get that !! fr there are so many classes that i want to take and it makes me sad that i won't possibly be able to take all of them :']]

no SERIOUSLY it was basically the same weather here today like why was the wind like that ... smh ... but i saw more than one person sleeping outside just. on grass. in the middle of the day. so ig it wasnt so bad 😭😭

literally chem is so ... KFJDKFJDFJL i find the only way to really learn it is to try it and then figure out where you went wrong 😭😭 takes a while but at least you'll eventually get it hehe

hehe that'll be fun!!! but yeah hopefully its not too cold omg i swear going to the club when its like 50/10 and windy in your clubbing clothes is something i can only do like twice a year LKFJSDF:LJK hehe my friends and i are gonna go thrifting in preparation for halloween !! i think ...... im gonna dye my hair red for the ateez concerts so i might do it early if i can think of a good red-head costume hehe

have fun and be safe clubbing !! hehe :]

[taikanyohou]

it is CRIMINAL that its ONLY monday today and not friday.

[bloodycassian]

Reader x Cassian - Hellish Prompt: Reader is an assassin/spy that was caught and azriel has spent months torturing her for information and can’t get anything out of her and cassian eventually goes to see who this assassin/spy is and the mating bond snaps and cassian beats the $hitt out of az bc of the mating bond instincts and rhys has to intervene and break up the fight (i was thinking this could switch between azriel’s POV at the start and then switch to cassian's POV)

AN- this was SO fun to make. Please more requests like this!! I love the idea of unexpected mates!

TW -blood/ blades.  

Drip, drip, drip. Copper smell filled the small room. Blood leaked down the drain in the floor. You wheezed a laugh bitterly and spat on the ground at his feet. Azriel's rage simmered calmly under his dark shadows. They coiled, ready to strike. Wanting to strike. The sound of your feeble laughs was practically the only sound Azriel had gotten from you for the first week of torture.  The second week was worse, even for him. Truth teller revealed nothing when he gouged into your skin from the bottom up. Truthfully, he was impressed beyond measure. But that didnt mean that he could stop the job at hand. He had to know, and wished he didnt have to do this kind of thing to get the information from you. "Listen..." He sighed, cleaning his blade. He was always nervous whenever he had a back turned to an enemy, no matter how well they were restrained. But he trusted his shadows enough to tell him if something was wrong.  "If you just.. Cooperate and tell me where the Queens are, we can let you go. No trouble, just releasing you back to Rask." He tried to keep his tone neutral, but he was nearing an exhaustion point. Torture every day for two weeks had its toll not only on the victim, but the dealer as well. His shadows seemed to be growing restless too, waiting for a chance to strike.  He watched your reaction from the corner of his eye. Noted the way your head hanging loosely seemed to gain a bit more strength before you spoke. "Losing your touch, Spymaster?" You revealed a row of bloody teeth to him, and grunted when the chains at your wrists stung the magic that weakly attempted to help you.  Azriel could have sighed. He could have laughed and bled you dry. Have a healer come and patch you up enough to keep you alive. The idea was tempting, but he didn't like having anyone besides his brothers see him in this mode of darkness. He could have brought Rhys down to attempt to break into your mind again. After the first attempt and Rhys' reaction to being blocked, he wasn't eager for that again. So he sighed, and brought out the potions laced with Faebane.  + He was convinced you weren't a normal Fae. After months of his best torture methods he was a wreck. "She just-" He tried to hide his frustration, but his brothers knew him best. Cassian smirked by the fire, warming his wings. Rhys seemed a bit more concerned, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Azriel had never been one to spend a long time on torture. Rhys saw the frustration flowing from him after every session with the stubborn Fae in the dungeon cell.  "I dont know what to do anymore. She's the only one to have never broken." He ran a hand though his hair. His shadows seemed weak, exhausted like him.  Rhys considered for a moment, looking between his two brothers. Cassian seemed to be enjoying Azriel's frustration. Maybe a bit too much. Rhys sipped his wine then, with a look of innocence, "Maybe we will have Cassian end it. Perhaps seeing the Lord of Death in front of her will knock something loose."  Cassian's stare whipped to him, a silent plea on his face. "We should leave it to our expert Rhys-" Azriel laughed, cold and bitter. "The expert hasn't got a damn thing out of her. We either kill her or send her back to Rask with all the information she's collected about us. With nothing in return." Shame lined his features. The sense of failure to his high lord was a heavy weight to bear. "Cas...I expect you down there tomorrow afternoon. It will be her last chance." Rhys' no nonsense tone shut down Cassian's retort. His jaw locked with distaste. He hated the cramped cells below the house of wind. Hated the way going underground made his wings feel like they needed to stretch. The worst was when that stale air was laced with the rotting smell of dead mice or old blood. It made his skin crawl just thinking about it.  "Come on Cas, dont you want to see the only one that's outlasted me?" Az asked with a mock grin. He couldn't give the same smile back. Turmoil spilled inside him at the thought of going so far below the mountain.  + Cassian took a long time to go to bed that night. His restlessness about the next day made him wake up over and over, never having more than an hour of peace before being waken up.  Azriel held up a mug of tea to him the next morning. "You look like shit." He handed his brother the mug with a small smile. Cassian glared at him, but took it anyway. He went to the balcony, his heavy wings needing to feel the fresh air. It was like taking a bath after being covered in grime. He sighed in relief, letting the late morning sun graze his body. The cold wind from Illyria was beginning to come in for the winter, and the familiar smell ignited something in him. He felt a draw, but shoved it to the back of his mind. He knew what he had to be this day. "Why the hell do we have to keep them so far down again?" Cassian complained. Around and around and around. Down deeper and deeper into the pit of the mountain that the house above was carved out of. Cassian felt like his lungs were collapsing the further they went. He tried not to let his nerves show, but he knew Az's shadows would pick up on it anyway.  "Remember when you broke your arm chasing down that Attor?" Azriel could have laughed at that memory, but the story surrounding it made the experience soured. More shame on top of the guilt already there.  Cassian hummed in approval, welcoming the distraction the memory brought. He tried not to focus on how each turn of the staircase got darker and darker. How the air seemed to compress around him. He locked his eyes on the scar on one of Az's wings. "And we spent a week fixing the top story of that apothecary?" He asked, keeping his voice steady.  "Yes. Dont you remember how the Attor got out?" Cassian shook his head, and Azriel huffed a laugh. "I left the door open for just a second to get a new knife and..." He shook his head, part in anger and regret, part in shame. "It had escaped before I turned around. I dont know how it happened, to this day."  Cassian stared at the back of the shadowmaster's head. The dark ripples around him seemed to spike. "It happens Az, you can't be perfect."  "It's not perfection, its basic thought. After that we moved all enemies to the lower dungeons. No matter the threat. Rhys even put wards on the arches." He ran a hand over the walls, his fingers catching a few of the grooves that linked each spelled archway to the other.  Cassian left the conversation at that. At least his brother wasn't brooding as much as before. The dim lights began to come into view, and his heart began hammering. Adrenaline singing through his veins. His polished siphons glowed, reflecting red off the dark stone ceiling. He had polished all his black armor the night before, when he couldn't sleep. Something poked, prodded at him all night. Keeping him awake. He figured he may as well make use out of it.  "She's not going to talk to you unless you show..weakness first." Azriel said in a low voice. Cassian nodded, reaching the end of the stairwell with him.  Cassian couldn't see the dark figure in the cell, but he felt the presence nonetheless. The dark draw that you demanded. He wondered how Azriel had dealt with that pull this whole time. The tantalizing draw to you. He shook his head, pushed the hair out of his face and nodded to Azriel.  He opened the door, then began his ritual. At the start of every session he would toss a bucket of water over your body, then a bucket of salt. It made the wounds that handn't healed fully scream in pain. You jolted at the suddenness of it this time. "Good morning, shadowsinger." You ground out, voice rough with strain. Cassian watched in awe at his brother.  Cassian was never one for torture. There was a reason Azriel was appointed to this position. Watching the calm cruelness of him was jarring, but Cassian kept his face straight. He stood behind you, watching the flimsy attempts to pull at the shackles holding your arms up. Lacerations dotted each arm, some light pink scars. Some were still scabbing over. A chill ran down his spine.  "You have a guest today, would you like to see him?" Azriel's voice was cool, calm. Like he was speaking orders to a group of soldiers. He began slicing new lines into your arms, moving up to your neck. He had left your ears in tact, as a last resort if you refused to speak to Cassian. The pull Cassian felt was overwhelming. He walked a bit too quickly around you, plastered on a wicked smile for show, then crouched down. The smile faded when he finally saw your face. Your dripping hair was a horror on its own. Plastered to the skeletal cheekbones, and pale eyes. Those eyes were brighter than anything he'd ever seen. A field of flowers down the slope of Illyrian mountains. His world shifted, drawing the breath from him. "Mine." His mind seemed to roar with that alone, but in a thousand different variations. "Lover, friend, partner, mine mine mine. Mate. My mate." His lips quivered with the realization. With the way his heart soared, and the way he moved without realizing it. He choked a gasp, and fell forward on his knees before you. He saw the same astonishment in your reaction. Azriel dropped his sword, confusion and concern alert on his features. "Cas wh-" Before he could finish, before his shadows could detect that Cassian had even moved, his brother was on top of him. Cassian's knuckles stung with every punch. A new kind of rage flared inside him. It made his muscles yearn for violence. Made his teeth crave the flesh of those that so much as looked at you wrong. There was no mercy for Azriel, it was as if he was an enemy on the battlefield. Cassian held nothing back. You hung limply from the chains that bound you. Crunch after crunch sounded from Azriel. He eventually managed to push Cassian off of him. Then they locked together in battle again. Clashes of armor against armor were deafening. The snarls they ripped at each other were loud enough to make you cringe. Your heart squeezed at the sounds of Cassian's breath. At the scent of blood spilling. You pulled feebly at the chains, your mind roaring to protect him.  Your mate. You tried to watch the battle, but the weakness in your body refused to let you turn more than a few inches. They were panting, Cassian fighting with a ferocity Azriel had never seen. His eyes flared with rage, like he was possessed. "Cas-" Azriel grunted, shoving his brother backwards. His back hit yours, pushing you down and digging those stone cuffs into your wrists. You hissed in pain. Cassian roared and lunged at his brother again, and again.  The darkness that boomed outside the cell was jarring. The stone ceiling shuddered, small rocks and dirt falling from it. Cassian did not stop. He didn't hesitate, coming at Azriel with punch after punch. His fist crushed the wall behind where Az's head had been. 

"Enough." The high lord's cool command was enough to make you still your weak attempts at looking at the two. Cassian's chest heaved as he tried lifting his arm to punch Az again. Pure fury in his heart was enough to make him disobey Rhysand's order.

  Then Rhys' talons gripped him. Freezing his mind, stilling him. Rhys' face shifted to surprise at what he glimpsed at there. "Oh.." He breathed. Azriel panted, backing away from his brother, out of the cell. He locked the cell and wiped the blood from himself, his wings hanging limply behind him. "What- the hell." He panted, nursing his arm. Cassian's eyes locked to your small frame. How your muscles quivered, how your arms shook with the effort of holding yourself up. He felt Rhys' claws recede slowly from his mind, releasing each part of him one by one. He rushed to you.  He picked up Azriel's sword and with a clean, masterful swipe, broke the enchanted stone that bound you. The weak sigh that came from you was heartbreaking. His eyes pricked with tears, and he caught you before you could fall to the floor into the puddle of dried blood. He didnt notice, or care that it was there. He sat there with you, cradled you and shook with you. 

"Cassian... She's.. Cassian's mate." Rhys said slowly, astonished. He didn't take his eyes from his brother in the cell. Azriel froze in place. For a moment, the dungeon was completely still. Totally silent, as if the world waited for what was to come next.

Azriel turned on a heel and left, trudging up the stairs. Rhys dared not touch his mind. "Cassian...." He spoke, trying to get his brother's attention. He did not glance at Rhys, just curled around your body more. Protecting, nesting almost. Rhys knew the feeling too well from the weeks after he and Feyre's bond snapped into place.  "We will check in tomorrow. Be safe, brother." Rhys spoke to Cassian's mind. It was nothing but an ocean of rushing thoughts. Cassian could have bared his teeth, could have tried to fight his brother through the bars of the cell. Hell, he could have probably broken through those bars with the primal strength flowing through him with the rush from the bond. 

But he didn't. He stayed, his warm body pressed against yours. Those siphons glowing against your skin like a fire. He stroked your hair soothingly, his tears like rainfall on your body, through your bloodstained clothes. He didn't remember falling asleep there, but it was the most restful, peaceful night he'd ever had in his existence. 

[hella1975]

Any tips for my first year at uni next year?

omg that's so exciting!!!!! i'll try help as much as possible but remember all uni experiences are different so my word is not gospel lmao <3

so because it's april you havent had your results yet right? (im assuming ur british bc ur asking me and u called it uni). so for starters - uni acceptances. i got rejected from THREE out of FIVE of my choices and it was literally my fault bc i genuinely filled out my ucas application wrong (i went to a really shitty college that just left us out to dry with EVERYTHING so im v bitter but oh well), and it was super super disheartening. especially bc my firm choice AND the one i would have put as my insurance were both part of the ones that rejected me. i really remember being out at my mates drinking in her garden (covid times too it was fucking FREEZING) when i got one of my emails from ucas, and i went to her bathroom to call my mum bc i was just so upset and WORRIED about it all. but you know what? it always works out, which brings me to my next point

THE SYSTEM IS DESIGNED TO ALWAYS WORK OUT! IT IS VERY FUCKING HARD TO FALL THROUGH THE CRACKS! THE GOVERNMENT WANT UNI GRADUATES! clearing is a godsend and no matter how arrogant your peers might act, you'll probs notice the MAJORITY of people wind up going through clearing. it's very very normal and it might seem scary on the day, but you will wind up getting in somewhere. i was lucky in that i wound up putting another of my options as my insurance and they gave me an unconditional offer, but almost everyone im friends with all came through clearing, and you know what? if i had the choice, i would pick the uni im at as my firm. life really has a way of working out sometimes and i genuinely love my life at uni. you will almost always get in somewhere, and even if it's not even in your top 3, you might find yourself loving it regardless. more comfortingly (or at least i found it that way) is that love it or hate it, this whole process being fucking MESSY is very very very normal

as for your actual results day, leading on from what i said, everything has a way of working out. im not someone who cries often and my family know that, but results day i was a fucking wreck. i didn't sleep at all the night before even though i knew for a fact that the grades wouldn't be up until 9am, and when i did get my grades back, they weren't at all what i wanted. the combination of my shit college and covid really fucked me over and my grades were not representative of me as a student at all. my results day was such a shambles that by lunchtime i still didn't even know what SUBJECT id be doing, let alone where id be doing it. my mum said she's literally never seen me that upset. and looking back, i would never have said to myself that i was worrying too much bc past me WOULD have clocked me in the face, but i was definitely worrying too much. i didnt even have to go through clearing in the end, and even if i had, id have been in the same boat as literally THOUSANDS of other people. i really hope your results day goes smoothly and you get the grades you want/need, but if it doesnt, just know that you're part of the majority and that the system is designed more towards this last minute aspect than it is towards the few that go through smoothly. just resign yourself to a long day of phone calls lmao. by the end of that day the uni operators literally RECOGNISED me. do you know how hard that is when they're receiving dozens of calls from all over the uk every minute?

as for actual uni!!! the biggest part of uni for a lot of people is the social life. i've literally seen it make or break people's experiences. i would like to start this by saying sometimes people do truly get unlucky. they dont find like-minded people simply bc there aren't any nearby. that aspect of uni is literally pure luck and im only telling you that to be honest, not to scare you. it's important to go into this new life knowing exactly what it has in store. loneliness is HUGE at uni and i wish id known more about it before i went, but ill talk about that in a sec. back to the social life, you HAVE to put yourself out there. maybe you're naturally extroverted which will help, but if you hate talking to people/putting in effort bc it makes you anxious/uncomfortable, then know this aspect of uni might be really difficult for you. those first few weeks are CRUCIAL (but not the end of the world mind) because EVERYONE is in the exact same boat. if you just remember that every single person there no matter how confident is just as terrified as you of not making friends, then you'll be fine. and when i said 'put yourself out there' i dont mean going out on the lash every single night (though freshers is fucking brutal if u do decide to join in), i mean little things. talk to your flatmates, make sure you get added to groupchats, dont hide in your room. i feel awful saying 'socialise even if it makes you uncomfortable' but ive just seen so many introverts who WISH they'd suffered a little more in those first few weeks if it just meant they'd be more involved, bc teenagers are still dumb. it's a lotttt better than at secondary and college, but teens are teens, and they're not gonna care what your reasons for avoidance are, they're just gonna see you avoiding them

the first few weeks are INTENSE. sometimes it's a good intense and personally it was the most fun id ever had at the time, but it also can be super overwhelming. one thing ive heard said quite a lot about uni is that the highs are SO much higher than being at home, but the lows are also a lot lower. ive never been happier and more comfortable in my life than i am at uni, but when i have bad days, it's honestly been the worst ive ever felt. im telling you this not to be like 'avoid mental illness' lmao, and more bc like i said earlier; before i came, i wasn't aware of the loneliness of uni or the scariness of its enormity, i just thought i was a baby who couldnt hack it. but people started talking and i looked online and low and behold, it's a universal thing. so dont beat yourself up if you get homesick or if the Big Uni Dream you had in mind doesn't always match up to what it ought to be

the first few weeks also are not the be all and end all. the flatmate i dont like that im now in a precarious friendship with (?) has been through MULTIPLE friendship groups and joined her latest only a few weeks ago, MONTHS into the year. things change and nothing is set in stone. if you feel you haven't made friends during freshers, then it isn't the end of the world

befriending your flatmates IS helpful, but it's not a sign of failure if you dont. i have nine other flatmates so personally i dont think i was EVER gonna get on with all of them, but im also not incredibly close with any of them, and they're not the actual group of friends i hang out with. it worried me at first, bc my sister (who's two years above me) got on SUPER well with her flatmates, and there's obvs the whole tradition of just getting ur second year house with ur first year flatmates. but honestly? it's really not a big deal lmfao. just dont fall out with them even if you hateeeee them (unless they do something that seriously warrants it) bc it's not worth it and remember you have to see them REGULARLY and ive seen shit get very very petty for some people

on the other end of that, flatcest is not just a haha funny joke. it is a HORRENDOUS idea. dont even think about it

try make friends on your course! even if you feel like you have a set group you're content with and you dont need anyone else OR if you dont want to make friends bc you're just there to do your lectures, it is still SUPER helpful from both a social and an academic standpoint. i genuinely would not be passing first year without my econ friends, and they also widen my social circle and get me invited to cool things i wouldnt normally know about (bc the thing with coursemates is that they're typically from other accoms whereas hanging with ur flatmates/people nearby means you're always in the same circles). it just makes things more fun, but i seriously cannot exaggerate the academic benefit either. dont be cocky!

give yourself set days to do things. your course might be PACKED and see you out of your flat every single day, but on the more likely chance that you have pretty big gaps and/or days off and/or your attendance is just shit (well in for uk first year grades literally not contributing to the final grade at all), then it's very easy for your mental health to slip bc you dont get out of bed. i LOVE my room, but it's also tiny and even a fucking palace would drive you mental if you were there day in day out. when my mental health got really bad, i had to start scheduling myself just to make sure i left the flat. spoons is on monday. coffee shop day is friday. laundry and food shop is on sunday etc. it might seem stupid but it really helps

idk if this was just me but i saw it happen with my friends too, so just........ be careful with your family relationships. i hope you're really close with your family (if you're not you can ignore this point lol) and i am too, but uni reallyyyy strains that relationship no matter how close you are. for me, things really got tense between me and my mum, and im not trying to scare you so i will admit we had some problems before i left, but just to repeat UNI STRAINS HOMETOWN RELATIONSHIPS. be that family or friends, if you want to keep what you have with them, MAKE SURE YOU KEEP PUTTING EFFORT IN

have fun! work hard! uni isn't supposed to be a bad, terrifying thing. i love it so so so much AND im doing a course i hate so that's really saying something. it's the best decision i could have made and i dont regret anything, even when it all went wrong trying to get here lmao. it's truly the independence i needed to flourish and the little life ive made for myself makes me genuinely so so happy to the point ive caught myself walking past my kitchen or through the accoms or to my friend's coffee shop and smiling like 'wow, that's mine. this is mine'. it's such a cool feeling to know that, after your entire life has been spent determined by the input of like parents and siblings and shit, you can finally just fucking do what you want

good luck anonstie, im rooting for you!

[faithinthefuture28]

Larry songs timeline & what it tells us about the evolution of their relationship

**These are all just my interpretations but the more I listen to the music they wrote, the more it all fits together. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THROUGHOUT THE YEARS THEY’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT WRITING “AUTOBIOGRAPHICALLY” AND “FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE”

I deffo missed some songs but these stood out to me:

2013

L-Strong: Love isn’t easy (waves trying to break it) but what we have means something and it’s worth fighting for. read: love is only for the brave (Think of how much love that’s been wasted...there’s nothing i’m running from...i don’t care, I’m not scared of love) And we bring out the best in each other so lets not throw this away (i’d do anything to save it...when i’m not with you i’m weaker). 

H-Happily: I want to fight for us too bc we’re on fire and our love is powerful af. ik we have to do stunts and stuff (and if (s)he feels my traces in your hair, sorry love but I don’t really care) but what we have is insane and fuck everyone else bc you’re MINE and i’m YOURS at the end of the day (i wanna be the one who holds you when you sleep). Together, we’re magic so just be with me so happily

H-Something Great: ****this song is very straightforward so i won’t explain it much***** (i want you here with me like how i pictured it so i dont have to keep imagining... We’re better off together here tonight). Written as a longing for what could be if they dont have to suppress the relationship. (script was written...want to rip it all to shreds) Louis’ response (you’re all I want so much it’s hurting) basically says “it’s not too much to ask babe, i want it too.” This has the kind of longing that ‘wouldn’t it be nice- beach boys’ which Harry has admitted is kind of a theme song. 

L-Through the Dark: I know all this bs we’re going through is taking a toll on you and hurts you and i hate seeing you upset (you tell me that your sad...you tell me that you’re hurt and youre in pain and i can see your head is held in shame...i just wanna see you smile again) but I will do everything physically possible to protect you from any pain bb (i’d never let you fall and break your heart, if u wanna cry or fall apart, i’ll be there to hold ya). We’re going through this together and I will take on any responsibility needed to keep you happy.  I’M WILLING TO GO THROUGH HELL TO FIGHT FOR US HARRY LOVE (entire chorus basically).

L-Better than Words: holy fuck our love is amazing can’t even describe it can i just sing to you foreva love u babycakes

L-Why don’t we go there: what if...we just forgot about the world and escaped and enjoyed each others love and rode the high??? Also sex

2014

L-Ready to Run: *******Followup to Why Don’t We Go There*********** But this time let’s escape for real bc (there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time). Like i’m ready to get out of here and it could just be us living happily ever after (this time i’m ready to run). Honestly nothing else makes sense (without you i’ll never make it out alive...wherever you are is the place i belong). I know what i want out of life and IT’S YOU HARREH (i want to be free and i wanna be yours, i will never look back). 

L-Steal My Girl: all u thirsty hoes find someone else bc Harry is MY pretty princess. Srsly ask his family. But you can still admire how he looks in those jeans. We all do. You know the ones

L-No Control: boy u fine, let’s do what lovers do IN THE MORNING. bc we can. also you own me and i am urs

L-Clouds: WE KNEW THIS WAS GONNA BE HARD SO WHY ARE YOU BEING A LITTLE BITCH (you dont like it complicated...but love is never ever simple...you are tired of all the changes, but love is always always changing). We could be great yo, just keep fighting (if we’re never coming back down, we’ll looking down on the clouds...we go and we go and we dont stop)

H-Where do Broken Hearts Go: IM SORRY LOU BABY YOURE EVERYTHING (rest of my crimes dont come close the look on your face when i let you go... the taste of your lips...is at the top of the list of things i want). H&L’s call and  response at the end is basically forgiveness and acknowledgment (come on baby come and get me out, come on baby cuz i need you now)

H-Two Ghosts: *****was written around this time according to Harry******. This is fucking hard yo. We’re drained and exhausted and idk how much more we can fight for this... (it’s not you and it’s not me...sounds like something that i used to feel). That infatuation and electricity and hope that fueled our younger selves isn’t really there anymore and i’m just tired man (we’re just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty, trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat, we’re not who we used to be...this was all we used to need). We’re empty vessels going through the motions (same eyes blue, couple more tattoos). AND WE AREN’T FUCKING COMMUNICATING (we dont say what we really mean). 

2015

H&L-Perfect: so what if... we get rid of the pressure of forever? What if we just have fun doing the stupid shit we love and makes us feel alive (trouble up in hotel rooms, secret little rendezvous, things you know that we shouldn’t do). Like we won’t be out of each others’ lives, I’m still around and we can find comfort in each other and even mess around here and there (I can be the one you love from time to time). Remember how we used to be young and EXCITED (when i first saw you from across the room, i could tell that you were curious) let’s get that energy back without the responsiblity of an adult relationship. And we can keep making art lmao (if youre looking for someone to write your breakup songs about). 

L-Long Way Down *****this song fkn hurts man. It’s overlooked a lot but shows so much insight**** We were...everything. And maybe that’s the problem? We’ve been through so fucking much, more than anyone our age should have to endure. (We've been in fire, Went down in the flames. We sailed the ocean And drowned in the waves. Built a cathedral But we never prayed) We didn’t know what we had. We were damn kids man. We weren’t prepared for all this. We didn’t know how powerful this would be. We didn’t know what it required of us. (We had a mountain But took it for granted. We had it all yeah. Who could’ve planned it). We didn’t know what to do with it, how to deal with it, so here we are. (We had a spaceship But we couldn't land it) We’re each other’s everything, but we can’t keep going on like this babe. (We found an island But we got stranded). I don’t want to leave you but being together is breaking us down. (Point of no return and now It's just too late to turn around) We thought we were untouchable. That love conquers all. Maybe, we were wrong. This is gonna hurt like a bitch (We built it up so high and now I'm fallin', it’s a long way down)

H-Olivia: I LIVE FOR YOU, I LONG FOR YOU, I LOVE YA. And i think i’ll always love ya. And I’m scared...of life without you (i get the feeling you’re walking out, time is irrelevant when i’ve not been seeing you, the consequences are falling now, there’s something i’m having nightmares about...dont let me go). But maybe just maybe thats okay, because you’re AIMH (you live in my imagination...i love you, it’s all i do). 

L-Love you Goodbye: I fucking love you and I’ll always fucking love you but i think this is the right thing to do even though it feels so wrong (i know there’s nothing i can do to change it, but is there something that can be negotiated?) We made some goddamn fireworks together though (unforgettable together held the whole world in our hands) and do ya maybe think...we can make them just once more? (if tomorrow you wont be mine, let me give it to you one last time, baby let me love you goodbye...one more taste of your lips just to bring me back to the places we’ve been and the nights we’ve had because if this is it, then at least we could end it riiiiight). ********in the interview with our FAVE Gwen Garcia, she asked if it’s better to say goodbye and end a relationship that’s not feeling right or keep trying even if your heart’s not in it. Harry responds with “I think it’s better to say goodbye...but sometimes if youre trying to protect..” Then Louis cuts him off and says “you’re going deep aren’t you”, brushing the question off as a joke but imho i think there was pain in that answer. Then Harry continues “if you’re not 100% in it, I think it’s better for both parties if you say goodbye”. And Louis adds a “yeah” at the end.********

H-Walking in the Wind: I know this is scary but i think we can do it, (you said to me do you believe i’ll be too far? if youre lost just look for me you’ll find me) I think because youre AIMH and i’m always in yours, it’ll be good for us. And look at us being mature, we’re killing it babe. We can live our separate lives and grow on our own. We dont need to make it messy and hurtful. We’re on the same page. (the fact that we can sit right here and say goodbye means we’ve already won. A necessity for apologies between you and me, baby there is none). At this point, we’re kinda part of each other right? So it’s healthy for us to be apart for a bit. (it’s not the end, i’ll see your face again... i know we’ll be alright...just close your eyes and see i’ll be by your side any time you need me). And you’ve helped me grow into the person I am, and I you, so that’s cool as hell, right? (you will find me in places that we’ve never been). We had a TON of fun (we had some good times didnt we) so i feel okay that we’re doing this (goodbyes are bittersweet) and starting the next adventure in our lives. 

H-If I could fly: I. am. yours. Louis. William. Tomlinson. (for your eyes only, i’ll show you my heart). Maybe this growth thing isn’t worth it, let me prove to you how much you mean to me (i think i might give up everything just ask me to). This is gonna be hard as shit because i’m so dependent on you (i’m missing half of me when we’re apart). I’m being honest and I’m being scared and I’m being vulnerable because I can’t lie to you and pretend I’m strong (i let my guard down, right now i’m completely defenseless). But we’re part of each other, right? (i could feel your heart inside of mine). I’ll always be here for you Lou (for when you’re lonely and forget who you are) even if for now we can’t physically be together. 

L-Home: I’ve tried, Harry. I’ve tried to play pretend (told myself i kind of like her but there was something missin in her eyes). But i was lost (i was stumblin, lookin in the dark with an empty heart) because none of it was enough, none of it was YOU (it was there i sawr it in your eyes). And then i met you and you felt the same and we’re both lost souls playing pretend who found magic in each other (but you say you feel the same, could we ever be enough?) Is our love enough to overcome everything? Maybe we can be enough. Maybe I can make this enough, let me try to make it enough for you. And if we go our separate ways, know that I’m here for you no matter what. I won’t let you be lost again. (When you’re lost I’ll find a way and I’ll be your light, you will never feel like you’re alone, I’ll make this feel like home). So go. wander. find yourself. Then when you’re ready, come home. 

 2016-2017

H- Sweet Creature: ***Harry admit that this was the first song he wrote for the album**** We aren’t in the best place rn. We’ve been fighting (had another talk about where it’s going wrong...it’s hard when we argue, we’re both stubborn). But it’s you Louis. It can’t be anyone else. (don’t know where we’re going but we know where we belong... wherever I go, you bring me home). That’s not even a question. I’m still trying to figure out who I am, but the one thing I know is that a large part of who I am is you (we started 2 hearts in one home). And aint no way I’m losing that part of myself (when i run out of road, you bring me home). It was always you. 

H-MMITH: Whenever you’re ready, I’m ready (just let me know i’ll be at the door,  hoping you’ll come around). I know I need to work on myself a little more (i gotta get better, and maybe we’ll work it out) but honestly i’m getting impatient and i want things to go back to how they were and i want to be yours again (once you go without it, nothing else would do). But I can’t communicate this to you clearly so let me just put this in a song and hope you get it (we dont talk about it, it’s something we dont do) ****Harry mentioned in an interview that he expresses himself through songwriting when he can’t say the words directly to a person because it’s easier to just write it in a song than have difficult conversations*****

H-ESNY: ****honestly no idea what this song is about but it’s something to do with them fighting and not communicating and being in a weird place before their relationship is rekindled******* edit: this could be about his stepdad

H-FTDT: I MISS YOU AND I’M TOO FULL OF PRIDE TO TELL YOU DIRECTLY JUST COME BACK INTO LIFE LOU I’M LONELY AND SAD AND EMPTY AND IM NOT FUCKING FINDING MYSELF LIKE YOU SAID I WOULD (woke up alone, played with myself where were you...we havent spoke since you went away, why wont you ever say what you wanna say) So until then I sit and wait for your sorry ass to make the first move (maybe one day you’ll call me and tell me that you’re sorry too...but you never do). Also like i have to hear from other people how you are?? (i saw your friend that you know from work, he said that you feel just fine) ANd you’re sharing OUR clothes with people?? wtf just swallow your pride and call me 

L-Miss You: OKAY BUT I CANT JUST CALL YOU BECAUSE I HAVE PRIDE TOO also my mates are trying to make me get over you (now i’m asking my friends how to say I’m sorry, they say lad give it ttime there’s no need to worry, and we can’t even be on the phone now). So i’m just numbing your absence with partying and drinks but CLEARLY ITS NOT WORKING (should be laughing but there’s something wrong...shit maybe i miss you...when i feel it coming up i just throw it all away, get another few shots cuz it doesn’t matter anyway...such a good time, i’ll believe it this time). This is weird bc like you were my everything but im trying to get used to this and it fucking sux (oh how shit changes, we were in love, now we’re strangers). And tbh, its scary af bc what if this is it (i’m asking myself, is it over?). BUT ALSO LIKE WTF U COULD REACH OUT FIRST YA KNOW (i’ve been checking my phone all evening).

H-Anna: wtf Louis how do you not see how much this is killing me. I miss you so much and seeing you on tv or in pics drives me wild bc you’re not mine. (I don’t want your sympathy but you don’t know what you do to me...everytime I see your face there’s only so much I can take...I guess it would be nice if I can touch your body). And idk if you’re replacing me (don’t know where you’re laying, just know it’s not with me) and we’re in SUCH a weird place rn how do I tell u you’re the loml (don’t know what I’d say if I passed you on the street...don’t know what I’d tell you if you asked me for the truth) so I refuse to put this song on the album and let you know this and give you satisfaction from knowing how gone I still am for you bc I have 0 idea how you feel (hope you never see this and know that it’s for you)

L-Always You: SO THIS IS ME SWALLOWING MY PRIDE STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU SAYING IM SORRY FOR THAT NIGHT... ok but fr i miss u i miss u i miss u i miss u and nothing else compares like i can travel the whole world and all i think about is how much more fun it was with you and the memories we shared and i wish i could just say thx fr th mmrs and move on but actually no thx actually fuck you for making me not able to enjoy my life without you. So like...come home? and wrap your legs around me? also lmao i took El to a gay bar in amsterdam for her bday lmao i miss u come cuddle me and i’ll tell you all about it

L-We Made It: looks like we made it, look how far we’ve come my baby. They saidd I bett they’ll never make it, but just look at us holding onn, we’re still togetherr, still going stronggg. Also to the fans, miss our single bed and the nights we talked about our dreams :-* also Andrew my man luv u

2018-2019

L-KMM: our love was youthful and exhilarating and fucking electric and i think it still can be. dont know what i’d do without you now H 

L-DLIBYH: We’re strong babe and we’ve grown and we aren’t gonna let life drag us down. I’m doing better, you’re doing better, this is what we wanted. And now any shit we go through, we’ll go through TOGETHER 

L-Too Young: Okay but looking back, that was a lot of shit we went through and we were just babies and i’m sorry for not fighting harder (i cant believe i gave in to the pressure when they said a love like this would never last so i cut you off cuz i didnt know no better) baby i tried, i tried to protect you but like it was just so much and i hate that you got hurt and i wont ever let that happen again. ALso go us for being mature and COMMUNICATING (face to face at the kitchen table, we can finally have a conversation that I wish we could’ve had before). ANd i know you’re an arrogant son of a bitch who can’t admit when he’s sorry so here let ME say i’m sorry that i hurt you darling. Like we were too young to know we had everything BUT now we’re old(er) and can realize that when we’re together, we DO have everything now and omg is this our happily ever after and we can have a daughter and name her Darcy 

L-Habit: do i need to spell it out for you iiiiii aaaaaaaaammmmmmm sssssssoooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy. But tbh i let you go because it felt right because mentally you were already out the door and i needed to give you room to grow babe. And i needed the space too (you gave me the time and the space i was out of control and i’m sorry i let you down). but like also i’ve learned i can’t escape you Styles. You’re always in my fucking heart and my fucking mind and in every essence of my being and somehow I knew that 9 years ago and it took me this long to realize how powerful this really is (guess that that i know what i already knew, i was better with you and i miss you now). Ooooh also my favorite line i wrote (took some time cuz i ran out of energy of playing someone I heard I’m supposed to be and honestly i dont have to choose anymore) like who am i kidding, im done pretending i just wanna be yoursss now

L-Defenseless: I can’t help it okay theres something about you that doesn’t let me stay away. I need you and I know that rekindling this relationship isn’t going to be easy even though it feels so so right. It’s going to be hard work (sleeping on our problems but we’ll solved them in our dreams, wake up early morning and it’s still under the sheets) and we need to communicate and solve our problems but here I am, raw and unfiltered and emotionally naked in front of you ready to lay it all on the table (not sure how to say this right, got so much to lose. NEver been so defenseless). So like this branch I’m reach out to you and you be honest with me too babe (you dont have to keep on being strong for me and you. Acting like you feel no pain, you know i know you do...I can’t get inside, when you’re lost in your pride but you don’t have a thing to prove). Be open with me. Lets talk. Let’s solve problems. Lets have an adult relationship. I’m asking for a little vulnerabiltiy babe. It’s just me. Theres nothing to be scared of

L-Walls: And here you have me in my purest form. No lies, no secrets, no insecurities to hide behind. Losing you was fucking painful but i got through it. I’ve been through hell and back and I’ve fought. And without you, I grew into the person I am. And any further growing i’m doing is gonna be with you. bc it was all for you babe. and honestly i can take anything life throws at me now. I’m strong baby. I’m fucking strong and fucking brave and fucking resilient and...fucking yours. ***** wtf is the I just hope i see you one day and you’ll say to me oh oh********

H-Golden: You are the literal sun and I’m not ready. YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD PERSON (you were way too bright for me, i’m hopeless, broken, so you wait for me in the sky). I’m scared to go through this alone, I need your comfort and your guidance (i can feel you take control of who i am and all i’ve ever known). But you’re scared to go through this with me bc you dont wanna get hurt and i’m too open so where tf does that leave us. ******this could be about coming out especially with the London AND NY secret shows where Harry added the lyric I’m hoping someday you’ll open*******

H-Adore You: You dont have to say you love me, you dont have to say nothing, you dont have to say you’re mine. I’d walk through fire for you. Just let me adore Lou. Like its the only thing I’ll ever do. read: Louis is a great person to just admire what he’s like. ALso I dont need anything back. I just dont want to hide my love for you anymore. I don’t need answers or promises. Just let me adore you. ********the music video is also basically a Louis appreciation post. He was the boy with the smile that the world took away from him. He found Harry lost and loved him and nurtured him and made him confident and allowed him to be who he wanted to be. But in doing so, Harry became big and unsatisfied and wanted to explore the world and was clearly interested in Hollywood and Rockstardom especially evident in his behavior 2014-2015. And Louis wasn’t about that life and didn’t want to hold him back. So he let him free. But they realized that they don’t work apart. Wherever they’re going, they’re going together, as the boy sails into the unknown following the fish. I see it as Harry’s version of “this one is a thank you for what you did for me” ************* I see it, I appreciate it, and I love you for it

H-Lights Up: ****fight with Louis. (What do you mean I’m sorry by the way) About coming out? About fame? (Step into the light, so bright sometimes) Either way, L is the guy driving the motorcycle in the video who makes H feel comfortable and safe until they get pulled over because SOMEONE wont let them love*******

H-Falling: What if i’m out, what if i’m someone you won’t talk about? Okay maybe I lied I do want you to claim me. Would me coming out of the closet make that hard for you? I CAN’T GO THROUGH AN IDENTITY CRISIS WITHOUT YOU LOU. I picked someone supportive and now I’m spoiled and I dont know how to be with myself. You want back in my life but what if I dont deserve it? (you said you cared and you missed me too...what i’m someone i dont want around). What if you’re better off without me? (i get the feeling that you’ll never need me again). I know youve been through so much shit because of me, things you’ve never even told me about and im afraid...that I wasn’t worth it. Am I being selfish? because either way, i want YOU (what if you’re someone i just want around). Does that make me a bad person? 

H-TBSL: ****Probably when they starting talking again but it was v casual and they didn’t really discuss their relationship yet*****. I MISS U BUT I WONT TELL U THAT and its nice to talk to u again i missed your voice but if u call me baby i will kill u bc that word has weight OKAY. Like i know you just call everyone babe and darling and sweetheart but baby is FOR ME and only for me when you wake up with me and cuddle me and if you think you have any right calling me baby without giving the luxury of being in a relationship with you then piss off because that shit hurts dude. (i know that you’re trying to be friends, know that you mean it...it’s hard for me to go home to be so lonely). ALso it’s not my fault i’m like this, you literally captured my heart when i was 16 like wtf do u expect (dont blame me for falling, i was just a little boy)

H-Sunflower Vol. 6: we were babies and i was so enamored by you and you’re so bright and beautiful and i want to watch you all day and make you smile and i want you to touch my hair and call me curly and i hope im not making you uncomfortable with my heart eyes but like how are you so perfect. I hope you think i’m cool, i’m really trying but like you’re SO FUNNY and charming and everyone loves you i hope im not embarassing myself. And now it’s like 8 years later and i think i can have you again and i want you so bad but i dont wanna seem too eager and im trying to have dignity and not text you first but like also i want nothing more than to talk to you. Do you think i’m cool now? did you like my new hairstyle? Do you think i’m funny on tour? I want everything i want to be domestic again and kiss in the kitchen and i want to cook for you and as;ldfa;sdhaf i want to buy you flowers everyday and shower ur cute face with kiss. boopx28 

H-Canyon Moon: Hell yea i got ma man back and i have a girlfriend named Jennifer ;) and we are domestic and even though I HATE being away from him for work (so hard to leave it) we have the 2 week rule yall then i can wrap my legs around him and after so so so long I’ll be h.o.m.e. Also did i tell you his eyes are so so blue like sky who i dont know her

H-TPWK: So we’re really doing this. We don’t need to have it all figured out. We can just be us. and happy. and dance. The world loves us babe. (Giving second chances, I don’t need all the answers and if we’re here long enough we’ll see it’s all for us and we’ll belong)

H-Fine Line: You’ve got my devotion but man I can hate you sometimes....We’ll be a fine line. Between what? love and hate? public and private? out and in the closet? each others’ and ourselves? Idk. But i’m going to swallow my pride (my hands at risk I fold) because no matter what, the worst possible outcome is not having you. And I never wanna go through that again. I know we have work to do on our relationship (spreading you open is the only way I know you). And there’s lot of unknown here (there’s things that we’ll never know) but what i do know is that i cant resist you (you sunshine you temptress) and i cant be without you ever again. I think it’ll be hard as hell. But when have we known love as anything but hard? And when have we known our love as anything but worth it? We’ll be a fine line baby. But i know, i knowww with every part of me that we’ll be alright. Because these past 10 years, we’ve been through A LOT. ANd it could have ruined us and made us cynical and cold and closed off. And I think at one point it did. But you know what we did? We fought it. We fought it together. Then we fought it individually. And we became BRAVE. And a brilliant man once said, “love is only for the brave”. 

[stellarune]

ok but i am a firm advocate of the enby keefe headcanon, and so, dadwin with demiboi keefe hc go

first off, keefe is comfy with he/him AND they/them most of the time

they/them always works thoigh, on the few days the Dysphoria Is Strong

so they dont really feel the need to come out to their friends about their gender bc they dont mind he/him, and o. the few days they do, they can just blame it on a bad night of sleep or something

he does really want to grow his hair out though

and hes very afraid of telling elwin because the time he asked his parents ended quite badly for him

they end up telling elwin on a very bad dysphoria day where they just wqnt to say fuck it and be done with it

theyre kinda phased by the lack of reaction from elwin who is just like "yeah i had long hair when in the golden tower too" *shrugs*

it takes a while, even with some elixirs for it to get to a lenght they like, but theyre so happy when they can braid it however they want, make any hairstyle really

biana loves it and always asks to do his hair, and he always says yes even if that day is a masc day

he wishes he could tell her

he almost does a few times but stops himsemf everytime

he knows she wouldnt mind, linh had came out as enby months earlier and it had been ok but you know, impostor syndrom, anxiety and i ternalized transphobia

he comes out to linh first

it seems like the logical choice, to come to the other trans person

ofc, linhs only questions are about pronouns and name

still, it takes him a few minutes for his hands to start checking, evne after she hugs them

they come out to biana next

relly, they feel like fitz would have been the nzxt logical step, but they just dont feel like its as much of a secret as it is between them and bianat

hey feel like theyre holding somethi.g back everytime biana does their hair a.d the last time they felt like that they were planning on joining the neverseen

biana also asks what their pronouns are, and if she should change anything in the way she does their hair

its a smol moment, and ghey know biana gives them all her support by the little purple and yellow beads in their hair (sophie showing them flags had been the best idea)

dex sees their hair, and gives them a thumbs up and a high five when they see eachother

keefe recieves a text asking for pronouns, name and when he could use them

tam just knows

no one knows how, bc keefe didnt tell h and he didnt see their hair that day or anhthing, but on every bad dysphoria day, tam either only uses keefes name or they/them

fitz and sophie ate entirely oblivious

they miterally dont notice eveyone using they/them that one time

bi, dex, and the twins have a betting pool

keefe joins when he hears wind of it

he does end up telling them, because honestly, its been at least a month since every bet has been unvalidated and he jist knows theyll never figure it out on their own

"i love you bro, it does change anything wait can i still call you bro ?"

"how did i miss this ? like, how ?"

sophie just keeps asking herself how she missed it even as she hugs him.

shes still mumbling under her breath afterwards, but keefe knows it doesnt change anytjing atvall for her, he can literally feel it

he doesnt tell elwin

he wants to, he does, but this is the one good thing in his life hes afraid to lose more than anytjing

je knows elwin will suport him, but theres still that part of him just sxreaming to suck it up and not sqy anything

turns out he doesnt need to, even though he does.t realize it

elwin picked up pretty early on on the occasionnal they thrown keefes way

he doesnt mention it though because he feels like this is something that should com from jeefe in their own time on their own terms

and they do tell him

they almost have a panic attack while doing so, but elwin is there and rubbing circles on the back of their hand even after they talked about their pronouns and gender and everything and keefe manages to breath

there are a lot of "i love you"s and "im proud of you"sthat day

elwin gets him a pronoun bracelet a few days later because he hates just thinking about misgendering keefe again

a few days later, keefe asks him to tell the rest of the relevant adults

jjst, demiboi keefe being happy with a supportive family

[getallemeralds]

explorers of arvus: heading back / 3.11.21

zoom and enhonse

LAST TIME ON ARVUS taure passed out and we are now down a healer! also we met a disciple of halvkar, and surprisingly did not murder her. this is fine. we have instantly gotten distracted by our various carts. cats. our various cats

DID ANY OF US CATCH TAURE, SHE FELL OVER sieron tried to catch her and smacked charlie+thorne in the face (he rolled a nat1, f) BUT the catboy is to the rescue bc silje is the designated Not Incompetent of the group today

CONSULT THE CHILD hewwo yrel yrel: her mind is being consumed by the serpent of nightmares. :D charlie: HELLO?????//

so, dendar(?) the night serpent is imprisoned beneath arvus! she was formed from the nightmares of the first sentient being, and sometimes she eats people's nightmares. if she's exceptionally hungry, she'll force nightmares onto people for her to feed off their fear. yrel thinks taure will Probably wake up. there's a thing on arvus mentioned by the locals called a "sleeping sickness" where people will fall asleep for a few days, sometimes longer, but will wake up. its magical in cause, the people afflicted by it have horrific nightmares, and its just kinda. a thing. wowza

(i have gone back to spelling yrel's name as yrel bc i think it looks nice)

OH HEY SOMEONE POSTED A THEORY ON ONE OF MY STICKMOLUS ANIMATIONS man i should get back to stickmolus sometime. once dsmp releases its awful grip on me.

i keep getting distracted by seeing myself in the camera preview. i have a tooth gap! what the fuck its cute?? K I KNOW WE'RE SUPER BLURRY IN FRONT RN BUT PLEASE HELP ME STAY FOCUSED I SWEAR -leo

we're gonna build a sled! to put taure on. thorne: i have a good strength score. ....i say, out loud charlie: i am four feet tall. [cue argument between thorne & sieron about them both being horcs but sieron has a +0 bc strength is his dump stat] OH, OKAY, THORNE ROLLED A NAT20 TO CARRY TAURE. NICE

[discussion about what to tell everyone at camp vengenace] thorne: the last thing we need to do is a witch hunt charlie: --and we already hunted the witch! the witch has been hunted.

time to discuss strategy! we need to figure out how to head back to camp vengeance, eg if we want to follow the path we already took or if we wanna do some trailblazing. looks like we're gonna try and take the most direct path! which means we'll prolly risk tangoing with some undead but im willing to risk it TINY HUT STAIRCASE sorry i just remember it now and then

nyx: [meowing at his cats] thorne: uh... why is silje meowing? jorb: silje's food bowl is empty jorb: you look at silje's food bowl and there's a divot in the middle and the food is all on the sides emotionally, we must bully the catboy silje saw something interesting and started meowing

thorne: ill take first watch silje: ill also take first watch. charlie: [quietly] gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy (but, like, extended for 15 seconds)

silje: [takes watch] [rolls a nat1 and gets distracted by looking at his crush]

THORNE HAS LOCATED A DOG the dog does not give a shit about the tiny hut. THE DOG HAS PEED ON THE TINY HUT goodbye dog

EVERYONE IS ROLLING AT LEAST 1 NAT1 thorne: wow! that sure is a dog. thorne has drawn the worst possible dog. thorne has erased the worst possible dog. we dont speak of the worst possible dog its the dog version of honse. DONSE

sieron is now on watch! MAN we are havin trouble rolling today. at least kali's here to make sure sieron doesnt stare at a rock for 50000 years sieron sees a mouse! bottom text

charlie is now on watch! kali is havin a big ol thonk. nothing meaningful has come of this

i am perceiving some deer. sieron is not perceiving some deer. silje is perceiving some deer, but better the deer are fucked up and undead! silje has gone from "we should hunt these deer for food" to "we should hunt these deer for sport"

charlie: i do not feel like being jumped by five thousand skeletons

charlie takes first watch with sieron! WHY ARE OUR ROLLS SO TERRIBLE taure is super cursed right now. that's not very pog charlie: this place sucks. thorne: to be fair, we havent-- charlie: YOU'RE ASLEEP, SHUT UP

oh hey coolname galvanic finally partied. nice.

thorne is at watch! solar: hey, is leomund's tiny hut an orb? there's a critter digging around! AH, THE CRITTER IS UNDEAD. this could be a problem

solar: hey michael, how much does the horrific sin against god dog i drew look like this creature michael: [dice roll noises] about 50%.

michael: if anyone likes, they can make a nature check-- solar: ME MEMEMEMEME ME ME ME

its a bulette! aka a land shark. problem: they are not normally undead. this one is undead.

jorb: imagine if you could tame one of those and use it as a mount. leo: IT WOULD JUST DIG UNDERGROUND AND LEAVE YOU THERE

we are just calling it a weird dog

we're going to mail a letter to the heart of arvus. HEY, CHECK OUT THIS WEIRD DOG,

JORB FOUND ART OF A BABY BULETTE. WEIRD PUPPY!

solar: hey guys, check out this sick art of a bulette i found

silje kept a lookout for the weird dog but its just fucked off. goodbye, weird dog give it up for day 3!

man there's been like, three incinerations today in blaseball. what's up with that. I SWEAR IM MOSTLY PAYING ATTENTION its just been an eventful day in blaseball. also im wearing my garages bomber rn. jaylen is home wooOOOO the wind smells stinky. this is fine.

we're actively avoiding whatever combat michael keeps nudging at us bc we're carrying around an unconscious person and i SWEAR hes gonna throw something directly at us once he's done with our shenanigans

UHH MICHAEL ASKING FOR PASSIVE PERCEPTION LOL

huh. this place used to be inhabited? we're in the woods rn but there's some like, stone ruins? like, VERY ruins. like, not really any structures standing, but enough evidence to show there Were things. WE FOUND A STATUE charlie: i want to smash my face against the lore.

used to be a circle of standing stones, but most of em fell over or got overgrown. inside of the circle has been cleared, although v roughly-- ground's torn up statue is of fjolnir! warrior holding up a spear and shield. AH, THERE ARE CORPSES, a human got REAL fucked up here. one of the corpses is straight up impaled on fjolnir's spear. n ... not pog.

i am trying so, so hard to pay attention. but i also kinda wanna take a nap.

charlie: [stares at statue] [rolls a 4] i wonder if he had a dick.

okay so something rolled in, tore up the overgrowth inside the circle, and murdered a couple dudes. and was also super tall and human-adjacent. hrm.

oh my god why are we rolling so shit today. time to stealth away and hope we dont get casually dismembered

k: jorb's hair is so long... leo: K, PLEASE,

time for a break! i am very tired but im gonan see if i can push through a little further. nyx is petting his cat why do orangatangs look like that

first watch is thorne and sieron! have they even, like, talked thorne unhabby ): thorne's worried we were tresspassing when checking out the statue, meanwhile im thinking about that one time when sieron got bit by a groundhog

(oh my god this is from late 2018)

leomund's tiny hut, aka the anti-sea bear circle we are getting SO much mileage out of the tiny hut. SILJE HUMS A SONG WITH KALI cute........... FINALLY I HAVE ROLLED ABOVE A 14 wait no i rolled a 16 twice. anyway we are not dead

nearly at camp vengenace! boy howdy i hope camp vengeance didnt get burned down. AH FUCK TAURE IS UNCONSCIOUS SO WE CANT CAST FOR DETECT POISON kaepora nearly made us all shit ourselves but its okay he just saw some bison and thought it was cool Michael Is Consulting Several Tables

WHY DOES JORB'S CAMERA ZOOM LIKE THAT why am i hungry. i have so many questions

HEY, TALL GUY [smacks sieron]

camp vengeance looks better! like, nobody's Obviously Sick anymore, the medical tents arent overfilled, we did it! we saved the dayyyyyy time to report to ryder! taure's getting dropped off at the medical tent

man remember when charlie didnt wear pants

oh man, with taure unconscious charlie is now taking point with social interaction. wild. jk im making jorb do it bc im tired HAHA NAT 20 PERSUASION BC OF ME HELPIN SIERON man ryder is such a cock. he was totally ready to keep throwing troops at heaven's brazier to die until we managed to persuade him out of it. jorb: did we tell ryder about the vision? michael: you kinda just took a look at him and went STINKY BOY!

okay yeah anything that dies on arvus will just pop back up as undead. man, arvus sucks.

ryder: alright, dismissed. charlie: seeya, soldier boy! :D hahahahaha im gonna eat his knees.

SILJE NEEDS ENRICHMENT IN HIS ENCLOSURE

charlie: ive decided he sucks. silje: we've already arrived to that, you're late!

LMAO WE WALKED IN ON INGRID AND HER CRUSH they fuckin. nice. you go, you funky lesbian

jorb: we've got the tiny hut, we could go anywhere leo: we could go to SPACE! nyx: we could not go to space. leo: WITH A TINY HUT STAIRCASE, WE CAN,

we are 320 miles away from the spaceship that exists on arvus. nice.

michael: justin sees you-- roll a strength saving throw. leo: i cant wait to die! [rolls a 3] I AM CRUSHED BY MY DOG michael: he rolled a nat20.

BOSS ENCOUNTER: CHARLIE'S DOG (the small circle next to him is one of the medical tents.)

THORNE IS PACT OF THE GUN solar: PARRY THIS, YOU FUCKING CASUAL

sieron, to ingrid: seems like youve been doing well charlie: i punch sieron. sieron: sieron: the camp, of course.

man we have no idea if the heart of arvus is actually related to the prophecy or not. theres a Lot of stuff lining up, but not enough, and its hard to say how much of it couldve been literal?

solar & michael: [discussing exposition] me: [cracking up bc penn sent me a funny dsmp joke]

prophecies are weird.

charlie is just s she is just sitting here SILJE PLAYED CARDS REALLY GOOD AT ME nyx rolled a nat20 and took all my money

oh cool we can talk to yrel telepathically! time to hoist yrel. THIS IS SO SCUFFED thorne mentioned yrel and now we're trying to explain to ingrid that we have a magic talking snake charlie: I WANT TO GO HOME. thorne: we cant go, we have a GOD-KING to kill! "i think theyre insane, theyre talking to a snake" "ingrid, druids exist" "oh. im gonna go back to getting railed by my 7 foot tall girlfriend"

[tonystarkisafruit]

I guess since i cant sleep ill type up my covid symptoms

Day 1 (oct. 28th) i felt fine until the afternoon. I developed a dry cough and my throat felt irritated. It didn't hurt, it just felt kinda scratchy. Slept fine at night

Day 2 (29th) Super tired but nothing else has changed. Throat still irritated and still coughing. Napped.

Day 3 (30th) cough is finally letting up a bit. Throat feels a little better. Extremely tired tho. I slept most of the day.

Day 4 (31st) got my covid test done finally. Cough is gone and my throat feels fine. My nose is runny now tho and I'm very tired. Just so tired. Body aches started during the evening. My muscles felt weak and sore like i had just worked out. I slept very poorly. As the night went on my ears and nose plugged up and my body hurt more and more.

Day 5 (nov. 1st) after napping in the morning i woke up and honestly felt fine. My head didnt hurt my nose was clear and i wasnt as exhausted. I did have next to no appetite tho. I went outside to get some sun. I didn't sleep super well but i did get some sleep during the night

Day 6 (2nd) i got the results of my covid test and it's positive. I felt like death all day. Still very tired and i tried to napped but couldnt fall asleep. I can breathe alright but i do get winded if i move around too much. My joints hurt my muscles hurt and I canNOT stay warm. I'm freezing cold except for when i have hot flash which last for maybe 5 minutes at a time. My nose is runny as all hell and plugged. My ears feel plugged as well. My eyes hurt and I've had a headache off and on all day. It is currently the night time as i am typing this and i cannot sleep bc my jaw hurts from holding my mouth open so i can breath.