#i do a lot of reading. just for my own edification

[nikomedes]

i don’t want to add on to the post directly but i rly am grateful for that “when u actually commit to sitting down and unpacking ur trauma after living ur life in it, everything will get Very Bad before it gets better” bc legitimately. okay clown moment imminent. july this year i went into therapy and was like “hey bestie! im so glad we could reconnect after u got me thru a crisis five years back! i think fortunately u got me thru my latest crisis so it may be time for us to stop seeing each other again! 🥰” and she, my fucking ride or die will not take my bullshit therapist, went “oh thats so good to hear! 🥳💖 so we can definitely do that or yknow. we could start work on the trauma underlying this long-term cycle of struggle i help u out with every few years? 🤔 lmk”

and i immediately started crying lmao. bc she was right and like, im the most emotionally, physically, and financially stable ive been in my entire life. and it was time. i have been living w layers of maladaptive coping mechanisms and unexamined beliefs about my life from traumas at 4, 16, 19, 24… all the survival quite triumphant but really just layers of scabs. i needed to debride the wounds. rebreak the bones to set them right. metaphors yknow

yall it sucks so bad. p much ever since ive been in a spiral of my worst behaviors and desperately clinging to comforts with my claws out. all time lows for household management, work performance, personal hygiene, you name it. but also? i know i feel so bad in direct proportion to how much i need to work on this stuff. and between therapy, her thoughtful book recs so i can learn about psychological tools as we work with them, the most half-assed journal keeping youve seen in ur life, the support of friends and family, meds, etc etc, i can feel stuff shifting. im past the point of recommending therapy to everyone and i know esp in the US access is behind so many bullshit hurdles. but however u go about it, when ur in a place that can support becoming Goop in an effort to fully heal, its worth it. u gotta. its what we deserve, aka the full chance at living a life we rly love

anyway here’s a meme my friend and beloved podcast cohost made when i went to the gc the first time to lament Turning Into Soup after deciding to actively work on stuff

they do know now. and theyre proud of me, even while im Goop

[dapurinthos]

master caudle: now it's important that you read through all six double-sided pages of this patient information sheet before you give your small child these prescribed stimulants. sifo-dyas: got it. sifo-dyas: wow this is a lot of bullshit. caudle: yeah they think they need to be virtuous about the fact that they're making speed for kids that they're making huge profits from, instead of providing a needed substance for people with differently-wired brains. sifo-dyas: i think it would be really hilarious if i made ari listen to me recite all six double-sided pages. narrator: things did not go as he expected.

Master Si arranges it so that when he presents the acid green pill bottle to me, it's directly under the sofa-side lamp, illuminated like a holy object in a shrine. “Your legally-acquired, medical-grade stimulants.”

I grab at it, but he moves it back out of my reach, and holds up his other hand, blocking me.

“I have instructions,” he warns. That's as far as he gets.

I leap up and across the sofa in a move that would make an Ataru master sit up and demand where that sort of energy was when I was in their class. In the moment before I land on him, Master Si’s eyes go the widest I've ever seen them.

The idea that he may have just made a mistake is plainly visible on his face. He scrambles back, hits the arm of the sofa, then fumbles his way off of it and out of my way. He Force-pushes at the air and it forces me into a gentler stop than I had planned.

“Rules!”

I eye the new distance between us. “Give.”

“I’m supposed to keep them.”

“Give!”

“Locked up, out of reach.” He backs up as unobtrusively as he can, shuffling more than stepping toward the door. “Doctor’s orders.”

I jump to tackle him again. This time, I feel the fabric of his robes slip through my fingers on the way down and manage to somersault off some of the momentum before I can brain myself on the floor, and only end up with a bit of shoulder pain from the impact. I scramble up and follow him out the door, into the hallway, bemoaning my fate like a Tsis tomb zombie looking for Force-sensitives to snack on.

“My focus!”

“I’m not sure you should have these if you're acting like this at the sight of them.”

“Master!”

“They're a controlled substance.”

“Master!”

“I’m very concerned.”

I give up bleating a third repetition at him and shift my choice of battlefield, reaching out in the Force like I’m patting the floor around me to pick up a pair of glasses. The carpet is wool. His slippers are wool. They may not be from the same place but they’re still the same material. The slippers will be easier. They're felted. That’s just fluff pounded together until it forms a sheet of material.

I let him feel virtuous and victorious as he goes through the instructions the healers gave him. Like all drugs for children, there's a long list. Most of it's for his edification, not mine.

“Got it?” Sifo-Dyas finishes.

I blink at him, removing my focus from felt. It’s like coming out of a cloud. The soles of his slippers are now connected to the carpet, the wool very agreeable to the whole process of de-felting, unwinding, and then joining together so I could squish them together with the Force. Some people sculpt things. I modify fibres. Double-sided fabric wishes it were this interconnected.

“Got it?” He has the nerve to bring my pill bottle back out and give it a rattle.

“Got it,” I say.

Sifo-Dyas narrows his eyes. He shifts his weight in this Mandalorian stand-off we’ve created between us. I narrow my eyes right back and, deliberately slowly, raise one foot.

He flinches back as I lunge again.

His slippers do not follow.

He makes a sort of ‘glurk!’ sound and trips over his own feet.

I move with grace and decorum, practically gliding down the hall to fetch the bottle of my rightful stimulants. Sifo-Dyas swipes at me without much conviction and uses the momentum to roll onto his back.

“No convincing textiles that they’re hook and loop tape,” he says to the ceiling.

“All it to the list,” I inform him, settling down on the floor to examine my prize.

“Okay, now undo it.”

“I haven't gotten that far yet.”

“Padawan,” he groans.

I imitate his tone. “Master!”

[mbti-notes]

1/2 Hello. INFJ in her 20s. My issue is I lack general knowledge. I’m trying to work on closing these gaps of knowledge that I’m supposed to have and which often prevent me from relating to other people + contributing to conversations. They have become a deep source of shame and exacerbate my social anxiety. I’ve always been detached and kept to myself and my own limited interests but have recently realized I desperately need to change.

[con't: However, I know I’ve lost a lot of time and feel restless to catch up. I’m very sensitive to perceived judgement and criticism in relation to the stuff I don’t know, so I have become particularly terrible at navigating social interactions. Can you give me some tips on coping with the fact that I’m behind everyone else? My confidence and motivation constantly waver because I keep getting bogged down by shame.]

Questions for Reflection: On what basis do you believe that people will only like you if you "know things"? Why do you believe that a person who doesn't have general knowledge is a "bad" person and should therefore feel ashamed of themselves? To feel ashamed is to believe that you have committed a moral wrong and deserve punishment, so is punishment what you believe you deserve? Is your idea of a fulfilling relationship one where people always compete to show off their knowledge? Do you realize that staking your self-worth on your intellect is a symptom of Ti loop?

Ignorance is just a simple fact of not knowing, and it is remedied through the simple act of learning. For example: read more, watch news and documentaries, take some classes, listen to lectures, speak to experts, etc. At no point is shame relevant to learning if you're learning purely for the sake of personal growth and edification.

Shame only enters the picture when you start comparing yourself to others and fear being judged as inferior (misuse of Fe). You say your issue is lack of general knowledge, but that is incorrect just based on your own words: "I keep getting bogged down by shame". When you misidentify the problem or don't prioritize problems in the correct order, you choose the wrong solutions, and you aren't likely to get the results you hoped for.

Whatever it is you want to improve about yourself, it should come from a place of love and wanting to live your life well, i.e., it should be something YOU genuinely need or want for yourself. But if the main/only reason you want to improve something is because you think it makes you more "worthy" in the eyes of OTHERS, then the real motivation is self-loathing. Trying to cover up self-loathing eventually backfires. This is why I often warn people about checking their intentions before they attempt function development.

It seems your ego development isn't far along enough to support function development. You haven't yet learned that "approval" does not equal "love". There are mean and judgmental people out there and you can't always avoid them. The strategy you've (unconsciously) adopted for dealing with them is "if you can't beat them, join them", i.e., to believe their judgments about you and change yourself into what they want, in hopes that they'll stop being mean and judgmental toward you.

Unfortunately, the price you pay for seeking approval is to always be vulnerable to disapproval. When you're a child, it is indeed a problem to constantly encounter mean and judgmental people because you aren't equipped to understand their behavior, so you take it too much to heart. However, when you reach adulthood, you have the capacity to reflect and make better sense of things. In terms of personal growth, it is counterproductive to keep making yourself into a victim of other people's judgments over and over again.

As an adult, the problem lies in your choices. You are the one continuing the old strategy of seeking approval. Thus, you have now become the one who is the most mean and judgmental of yourself. People's judgments will always trigger you as long as they amplify all the negative judgments you already have about yourself. You perceive feedback/criticism as a form of punishment because you believe you deserve punishment. You believe there is something "wrong" with you that needs to "change", "improve", or be "eliminated" in order for people to like you, so you punish yourself accordingly.

When you are primarily motivated by shame, your perception and judgment is heavily compromised by projection. Shame primes you to detect threats even when none exist, so you don't possess an accurate picture of others and how they see you. Shame is really a reflection of your own inner struggle to accept, like, and love yourself. It is this inner struggle that stops you from being fully present in social interactions and a full contributor in relationships. Your attention and focus is always too busy with fear of shame or thoughts about how to mitigate shame.

You always have a choice about how to respond to your emotions. Do you take responsibility for generating your emotions or blame others for causing them? Do you view emotions as your friend or as the enemy? When the emotion of shame gets triggered, your habit is to take it as objective confirmation of your subjective negative self-appraisals, and then replay the vicious cycle of trying to eliminate the shame via eliminating what you hate about yourself, only to fail and then hate yourself even more.

But you could, instead, listen to the shame compassionately, be curious about what it really means, and take it as a golden opportunity to deeply examine why you have such trouble accepting, liking, and loving yourself. After all, how would you show others what is likable/lovable about you when even you aren't able to see it, let alone express it? Healthy Fe should encourage emotional intelligence and empathy, not judgmentalness.

Shame is good and necessary for helping you be a moral person, to know when you've done something wrong and need to change or atone. But toxic shame means that your moral beliefs about right/wrong are heavily distorted, usually due to having internalized the faulty beliefs of people that used shame against you in the past, particularly during childhood. Toxic shame leads people to be excessively negative and harsh when appraising themselves, which produces problems with low self-esteem and low self-worth. Toxic shame is a major contributing factor to social anxiety.

Perhaps you should work with a therapist to discover and resolve the root of the shame (from your past). Learning to shame yourself during childhood might've served a useful purpose of obtaining approval and avoiding disapproval from authority figures who wielded control over your well-being. But now you're discovering that it doesn't really work because it keeps you in child mentality and even destroys your self-esteem, so is it still necessary to keep doing it as an adult? Are there better ways to establish good self-esteem? Adults have the power to ensure their own well-being.

In a normal and healthy relationship, what most people want is for someone to take an interest and share experiences with them. Whatever you don't know about their interests you could easily learn from them or from sources they provide. Therefore, all that is required of you is to express curiosity and empathy, two things you were born knowing how to do. Unfortunately, that knowledge has since been buried under the shame, so it's up to you to dig it back out.

[nikrei]

March Comics Round-Up

For my own edification, here's what i read during March:

JLA (224-257) (1984-1987)

Okay the transition of the justice league from focusing on world ending threats to street level is both hilarious and the stupidest shit i have seen: it's the fuckin justice league. They have other comics to be street level in. I like all the new characters but its just such a funny direction to take the justice league in. Also the reason they give for switching up the team is that they want full time members, not part time, but then it only takes like 15 issues for them all to be broke and hunting for day jobs.

Fury of Firestorm (1-42) (1982-86)

Ronnie and Martin continue to be a delight, i continue to hate Ed, and Lorraine is my baby girl.

Saga of the Swamp Thing (1-50) (1982-86)

Issues 1-19 are Not Great and also I hate martin pasko now, but oh wow does alan moore's run make up for it, it is so so good. If you are not completionist scum like me just skip to issue 21. (Issue 20 is where moore wraps up all the problems pasko made)

Blue Devil (1-19) (1984-86)

100% a comedy and a breath of fresh air from all the super serious drama going in all these other runs. Dan is definitely not a hero no sir and I love him.

Jonni Thunder (1-4) (1985)

She is The Most hardboiled wet cat detective of all time, if you like noir at all plsplspls read this it's only 4 issues. If you are reading Infinity Inc please read this she shows up in that halfway through and you will love her so much more if you know how much of a wet cat she is.

Deadman (1-7)(1985) but actually (1967-68)

Apparently a reprint of Strange Adventures 205-214, which i didn't realize till i looked it up, like, this seems like it's from a lot earlier than the 80s.... and it was! Actually its the 60s introduction of Deadman. I enjoyed it but it is... very 60s....

Red Tornado (1-4) (1985)

Hes my guy and I love him but this is very much a continuing sort of story for him rather than an intro or standalone so not recommended unless you are already into him.

Crisis on Infinite Earths (1-12) + all tie-ins (1985-86)

Second read thru of coie but the first with all the tie-ins as well. I Love this event So Much and hugely recommend it for anyone into this era but man it has a problem with killing off all the girls (Kara gets a lot of screen time and respect, but Tula, Lory, Helena, and Kole all get one panel or offscreen deaths which sucks) and also overall I don't like how the reset treats the wonder fam (everything to do with earth-2 wonders (justice for lyta omg)) and basically killing/erasing earth-1 wonder woman (returning her to clay, erasing her, her (married during the crisis) husband, and her version of themyscira) in a way that seems solely calculated to keep Diana young and pretty and also destroy her damn legacy (space titan donna retcon I am looking at you).

Amethyst Princess of Gemworld (1-13, 1-17, 1-4) (1983-87)

Read one issue of this as a coie tie in and had to read the whole thing. Its amazing, I love it, it is the ultimate pre-teen girl power fantasy (at least in the first run including all the blood). If I had been introduced to this in th 9-12 range I would have gone fucking feral (the only thing its missing is 'oh no I have to be a boy for reasons' that was complete catnip for me as a child)

[mydaroga]

Initial Thoughts on Hunter Davies’ The Beatles

I am thinking about posting quotes/notes I kept while reading, for my own edification if nothing else, but for now, here’s a few thoughts on the book as a whole. 

I really liked it. But I’ll cut for length in case you don’t care why!

I know John said, later, that it was sanitized and ‘fake’ and all the rest, but I think his opinion was colored by several things: the fact they did deliberately suppress several facts about his family as well as Brian’s sexuality, as well as his general turn against that whole period. I understand why he felt this way, and he’s a right to, as it’s his life and he’s close to it. But that was not my experience of the book at all. I don’t agree with all of Davies’ opinions, but I think his attempt is honest and as forthright as it can be given the requests made of him. I do think he knows these men as well as one could given the parameters, and his observations and insights are interesting. Indeed, far more illuminating than Norman’s Shout!, which is the first bio I read and full of unspoken bias and facts that have since been debunked.

One of the redeeming features of this book is that, in the forward and afterward(s), Hunter takes pains to illustrate where he went wrong and why, while also arguing the case as to why he left the bulk of the book intact upon further printing. I think this makes it a really valuable historical document--he says outright that he got things wrong, so it is unfortunate if, say, people keep using him as a source to say John was born during an air raid, but he’s also honest about it left as is, we still have a record about where future inaccuracies come from. 

The book also says a lot, inadvertently, about Beatles fandom and study, in that it reads unlike any other bio I’ve read. It’s not at all a fan mag, glossy hagiography. But at the same time, it’s got some of the breezy tone missing from ‘serious’ scholarship. It doesn’t know what it is, yet, because while I’m not an expert on 60s pop biography I don’t think this thing existed yet, in full form. I think Davies is creating something, maybe not by himself, but as part of a cultural movement where celebrity is changing and stars are becoming more than flash in the pan style makers. They are becoming public figures we look to and study, worthy of that distinction or not. And Davies is trying to split the difference between hot off the presses celebrity hype and being a book of historical record. And I think that’s why the style reads strangely, to me. Because he knows, somewhere deep down, that this is Actually Important, but there doesn’t yet exist a cultural format for that. Elvis was also Important, as was Sinatra or whomever, but I’m not sure anyone knew how to write about that yet. I think it’s part of a shift in our culture, and it reflects that.

I also think it’s a great picture of where the Beatles were at that time, of what they were going through in those months just before it started to go bad, and in that sense it’s also invaluable. As Davies says, he had no idea what was coming, but when you read it now, you can see the cracks. So as a total bio of the band, obviously it’s lacking. But as a document of what it must have felt like before you realized it was falling apart, it’s essential. Maybe no one’s saying everything they’re thinking or feeling, maybe certain prurient details are left out, but this is by no means scraped clean of their rougher edges. They curse, they admit bad behavior, John is already saying everything’s a fraud, Cynthia’s admitting they wouldn’t be married if it hadn’t been for Julian. This isn’t the glossed over Beatles at all--it’s just the Beatles before they, or we, knew the full story. And that makes it, along with Love Me Do by Michael Braun, actually unlike any other book out there.

Any thoughts?

[kitabasis]

AN UNORDERLY ANALYSIS OF HERO

PART 1/?

As I’ve been working on revising my outline of Our Own Hands Against Our Hearts, my modern retelling of Much Ado, I’ve been trying to focus more on the side characters, rereading the play to see if I could get any hints of inspiration from lines by or about them. I started with the one who was giving me the most trouble: Hero. In the process of doing so, I realized that she’s…a lot more complicated than I gave her credit for. I’d fallen victim to the common (at least among non-academics; I haven’t read enough academic articles on MAAN to judge that) “pure innocent girl who cares too much about what others think but otherwise has little going on inside” interpretation—and that turned out to only be slightly more accurate than the common interpretation of Lucy Westenra as Promiscuous Woman Punished For Horny Crimes By Vampirism. 

So, to organize my thoughts and thus figure out the actually rather complicated woman that is Hero, I’m making this post. Well. Series of posts. This is going to be a long series, y’all. I’m going to do analysis of how others talk about Hero later, but for these first posts, I’m just going to analyze Hero’s own words. 

[Note: I am not an academic. My Shakespeare studies are at least 40% self-talk. Please do not treat this as gospel, and feel free to (constructively) criticize. ALSO, if you disagree with my analysis—that’s fine! I would love to know why, though, just for my personal edification].

So, now that we’re done with the preamble—let’s get into the analysis!

ACT 1

BEATRICE: I pray you, is Signor Mountanto returned from the wars or no?

MESSENGER: I know none of that name, lady, there was none such in the

army of any sort.

LEONATO: What is he that you ask for, niece?

HERO: My cousin means Signor Benedick of Padua.

MESSENGER: O he’s returned, and as pleasant as ever he was.

(Act 1 Scene 1, lines 23-28)

Here we meet Hero for the first time (side note: she almost always makes her appearance in the first scene of an act, rather than a later one. I have no idea if this is significant, but it sure is a thing!). She answers the question intended for Beatrice—perhaps even interrupting her, depending on the production—who, as I think many could imagine, might have stretched out the joke if given the chance to continue insulting Benedick. Thus, Hero relieves the confusion of the messenger and her father, preventing a possible diversion in the conversation. 

Clearly, the two are close—Beatrice isn’t upset by Hero’s interruption, and Hero knows Beatrice well enough to understand she is referring to Benedick; this could either be by knowing who Beatrice would be referring to from who she might care about, or by understanding who fits the term “Signor Mountanto”. If it is the latter, then Hero must understand the meaning of “Mountanto”. According to the notes of my edition of MAAN (the New Cambridge Shakespeare), the term refers to “an upright blow or thrust” in fencing, and thus could be making fun of a “signature move”, a desire to advance in status, and/or a sex joke (based on either the potentially phallic implications of a sword thrusting upwards or on the term mount (which the edition oddly associates specifically with horse sex))—so, to understand this based solely on the meaning instead of the context, Hero would have to be familiar with sexual innuendo* and/or fencing. 

(Personally, I’d argue she makes her deduction based on a combination of context and understanding the meaning.)

SO, what have we learned about Hero here? She’s very close with Beatrice (and perhaps doesn’t mind annoying her a bit), she may be surprisingly knowledgeable about subjects you might not expect her to be, and she’s able to steer the conversation, at least somewhat, with only a few careful words.

Also: she doesn’t speak again in this scene, even when Benedick insults her and her father makes a joke about her legitimacy.

*keep this in mind—the relationship between Hero and innuendo is a complicated one that I will be returning to

ACT 2

BEATRICE: How tartly that gentleman looks, I can never see him but I am heart-burned an hour after.

HERO: He is of a very melancholy disposition. 

(Act 2 Scene 1, lines 3-5)

Hero’s line here is so carefully and politely worded that it is impossible to tell from the line alone whether she is agreeing or disagreeing with Beatrice (the actor, of course, could choose to play this a variety of ways, but what we are discussing here is solely the text). 

Her words could be an agreement with Beatrice’s assessment that is simply polite enough to not be rude in the same way Beatrice’s are—“you’re right, he is of a very melancholy disposition”; but they could also be a way of excusing his behavior based on his temperament, perhaps even requesting that Beatrice be a little more forgiving with him (which, if true, would make it even sadder that he is so cruel to her).

DON PEDRO: Lady, will you walk a bout with your friend?

HERO: So you walk softly, and look sweetly, and say nothing, I am yours for

the walk, and especially when I walk away.

DON PEDRO: With me in your company.

HERO: I may say so when I please.

DON PEDRO: And when please you to say so?

HERO: When I like your favor, for God defend the lute should be like the

case.

DON PEDRO: My visor is Philemon’s roof, within the house is Jove.

HERO: Why then your visor should be thatched.

DON PEDRO: Speak low if you speak love. 

(Act 2 Scene 1, lines 61-70)

Maybe because they are both masked, Hero is much more…not rude, but certainly her words are a bit sharper than otherwise (her words could be read as flirtatious teasing, but I personally don’t see much reason to read them this way?). 

I don’t know if this is the only way to read this line—I couldn’t think of another way, but that doesn’t mean anything definitive—but to me, it seems like what Hero’s first line here says is “i will dance with you so you are quiet and polite” (although hers seem to be more polite than my paraphrase). While my edition’s annotations suggests that “when I walk away” means as part of the dance, I would suggest that that is, at the very least, not the whole meaning. Don Pedro seems to interpret the line as indicating a desire to walk away to have a conversation with him, but she shoots this down. 

Instead, she expresses no interest in further interaction with him if she is, as she seems to suppose, unattractive/young.

Her response to his literary reference indicates that she is also familiar with it, especially as she plays with it. The most obvious interpretation of this is that he is bald, and if he was truly young and attractive underneath his mask, he would at the very least be wearing a wig. My NCS edition suggests that “thatch” could be referring to pubic hair—that the line could instead exhibit an attraction prompted by his assertion of having a face much more good-looking than his mask. This would, I admit, lead more naturally into “speak low if you speak love” but again, Hero’s relationship with innuendo is complicated, and there is an emphasis elsewhere on Hero NOT having any interest in Don Pedro. 

(this is a place where I would love to hear other opinions!)

DON PEDRO: And you too, gentle Hero?

HERO: I will do any modest office, my lord, to help my cousin to a good

husband.

DON PEDRO: And Benedick is not the unhopefullest husband that I know:

thus far can I praise him, he is of a noble strain, of approved valour,

and confirmed honesty. I will teach you how to humour your cousin,

and she  shall fall in love with Benedick, and I, with your two helps,  

will so practise on Bendick, that in despite of his quick wit, and his

queasy stomach, he shall fall in love with Beatrice; if we can do this,

Cupid is no longer an archer, his glory shall be ours, for we are the

only love-gods. Go in with me, and I will tell you my drift. 

(Act 2, Scene 1, lines 283-292)

And finally, to end the scene, Hero politely but firmly makes sure it’s clear she has standards—she has no desire to make her cousin suffer a bad marriage. And it has an effect! Don Pedro takes care to reassure her that it will not be a mismatch. Thus, Hero shows, in her quiet way, her social power. 

[cdevroe]

Diversions #4: Tree branches and LLMs

Diversions is the central hub for news about the membership, behind-the-scenes details of my personal projects, as well as a wide variety of links to people, places, and things that inspire me.

A bit of housekeeping: I’m turning Diversions public. While a fair number of people have signed up for both free and paid memberships (thank you!), my analytics show that not everyone logs back in to read each edition. Perhaps it is a bit too much friction? So, I’ll be turning the free membership into a more newslettery type subscription and the paid membership I’ll reserve for more exclusive content and still as a way to support my projects. Stay tuned.

I could bore you with excuses as to why there hasn’t been a Diversions since early June and that I plan to publish more regularly, but that would be breaking my very first tip for blogging – “Don’t post about what you will do, post about what you’ve already done.”

Summertime is moving at breakneck speed. As Anh put it in a recent, and lovely designed, weeknotes post “It’s July, and the passage of time continues to be disorienting.” Well, it is August and I only read that post today and so that just reenforces the point. I’m not sure if it is age, busyness, or *waves arms gesturing at everything* but disorienting is a great way to describe how time seems to be moving.

Since the last Diversions was published, we’ve had family reunions, building permits and variants filing, glamping trips, dinner parties (with us hosting 25 people

), blueberry picking, trees falling, software updates shipping, and lots of customers. There was a week that felt like far too much. I need to be more careful with my scheduling.

That being said, things are good.

Spending 8-10 hours cutting a felled tree led to some meditations on lessons learned from the experience. This was a tree we knew would eventually come down. Fortunately, the only thing injured was a relatively new pear tree. But the amount of work to clean up after something like this was not expected. Trees are bigger when they are laying flat in your yard and you don’t want them there.

One lesson that was reinforced was to take large projects and make them into many small ones. We’ve had a hot summer so working in the afternoons would have been extremely unpleasant – so, I woke up early each day and got a little more of the tree taken care of. Steady progress made me happy and I also didn’t totally wear myself out. There is still a bit left to do.

Another lesson is that even though a less-than-great thing happened, I did get a few years worth of campfire wood stacked in the backyard. Each windstorm usually snaps enough limbs to give me a fair amount of sticks and branches to have some nice fires. But this new bounty means that I likely won’t need to go get fire wood for our fire pit for many summers. And it was free!

I’m using LLMs a lot lately. I continue to use them as an accelerator. And they’ve grown more capable and I’m able to run them locally (both to cut costs and to get more familiar with how they work).

I’m using Simon Willison’s LLM command line tool to install and interact with models locally (and, online). The command line isn’t the best interface for interacting with these chatbots – a web UI allows for dragging and dropping, easier copying and pasting, and other tools built on top of the chatbots. However, it is a great way to do quick prompts right from where I am in my project. I’m looking forward to seeing how local models progress.

Some links for your edification:

Jordan Stone on TikTok – If you would like to trip on acid without harmful drugs getting into your spinal fluid, here is your chance.

Aegir Hallmundur’s blog – A fun blog where each post has its own style. It reminds me of Jason Santa Maria‘s blog “back in the day”. Particularly V4.

Zellyn Hunter Recreates Schotter by George Nees – Don’t miss the multiple parts. I cannot skip a blog post recreating analog generative art.

The Nook by Isaac French – Yes please.

Solstice 2024 – Ian Giffin shares a pinhole solargraph showing the path of the sun on the shortest day of the year.

Meredith Frampton – Extraordinary work.

[seasideretreat]

Purpose

What is the most important thing in life? I'd say, generally, it is learning, or school. That's how bad it is. I'd say art, but I don't think art really has any purpose if we don't understand it, and we can only understand art through a thorough education in stuff like history, science, mathematics and other fields. When I was younger, I always thought that everything we said would be considered foolish by later generations; that we could always expect to be totally mistaken about everything at any given time, and that all our conventions were terribly primitive in some way. Now generally we'd say that most of our modern ideologies stem from the enlightenment era in which we became more down to Earth about God and life. But what is life without God? It turns out that the Renaissance was as enormous a shift in thinking as the enlightenment (so-called enlightenment) and that was only a rehashing of ancient ideas. And the enlightenment gave us what? A mechanistic model of the universe? That seems little more than another way of looking at things; although it is certain that it was an apex in a certain timeline of the history of thought. We see things only because we are seeing them with our attention. We are full of a certain knowledge or cognition that gives us a hope for being involved in some greater project, the project of science.

The classic text is a thing of the past. We don't believe in the wisdom of the ancients anymore, even though they dedicated their whole life to producing the most eloquent and refined thoughts. You know, we generally discover important things through learning more than through inspiration, but we nevertheless spend most of our time searching for inspiration. You see, here we have the realm of the humanities. Humanist learning is generally no longer important. We want to read subversive novels these days; heck, we barely read compositional treatises anymore. Moreover, standard reading has been replaced by crazy reading, reading against the grain and all that silliness.

Another perspective on this is given by video games. When I was a child, I greatly enjoyed playing video games. They were an enormous consolation to me after school when I just wanted to live another life and immerse myself in imagined worlds and fictional or historical places. However, at some point I realized that it is all just more modes of living. I saw that movie Living with Bill Nighy and it captures the situation of not being able to do anything with your day. You can watch movies, but then you're barely living; you can play video games, but then you're just displacing living. It is all just living. When we do things, it seems, we are not learning, but we lose all trajectory of being alive and there is no escape from the bounderies of our happy locale, in which the ordinary things of life are transitioned in an unusual way to excessive idiocy that does not matter in any real sense, because the little things that we do are excessive in some form and only lead to more despair. What I am trying to say is: there's no point playing video games, but we can't deny that the more time we spend playing video games, the less time we spend doing schoolwork or being involved in science, and we might still be content: video games show, unequivocally, that we can enjoy living, even if there is no edification going on in the form of science or art. Although maybe video games are an art too. Besides, my dad thought that video games drove me crazy; I think that's a bit harsh, and I am not crazy anymore, at least I try not to be. And that's a big step somehow, to try not to be crazy. And I still play video games sporadically. Sadly, I always kind of despised people who played lots of video games, and I was a bit embarrassed with my own video game behavior, because I used to play quite a lot, although some people I know play much more. You know, we should read books and take walks outside, I reckon: that's what clever people do. And you will forgive me if I recollect the old adage by Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. But yeah, what are we going to do if not learn all the time? And what are we going to learn? The good old thing to learn was theology, and that was truly an elevating thing to learn about, because it was set in stone, yet entirely organic and disputable. I don't know. Modern philosophy should be a bit more like theology perhaps. More sensitive to word-meanings and shades of meaning. More liable to agree with itself. More authoritative. Yes, there have been philosophers who discussed the meaning of life in such a way that there was real science, but they were ultimately driven under the waves of being insecure about yourself. There's no one who knows what to make of philosophy nowadays, and we have to know what is meaningful in philosophy somehow, even though we can't make sense of anything. You know, there's a lot of crazy stuff in philosophy nowadays, you know, and no matter how expensive the academic staff is, they can still come around with incredible bullshit. I mean, there is a link between craziness and intelligence, and it does terrific things to the world. Really, there's people who are really smart, and who say the most mind-blowing stuff, and then there's people who think hard somehow, or even just work for a living, and say terrific ravings all the time and are really just stuck in limbo I suppose, without any clue as to where the world will ultimately go. We should always be capable of saying something. Silence is a choice.

[merrybandofmurderers]

[id: banner reading Work in Progress Wednesday in white cursive font on a smudged turquoise, yellow, and gray background /end id]

that day of the week again! here's a future chapter from the pavellan fic~

As they trekked over the endless expense of sand dunes, Sera said, “Dorian? Those words you say. What do they mean?”

“What, you mean like ‘mendicant?’ ‘Ultimatum?’”

“No, arse,” she said, pointing an arrow at him. “When you're mad. Pish-anty cough-ass. You're swearing, I know it.”

Dorian rolled his eyes. “Vishante kaffas. It's Tevene.”

“And it means what?”

Out of nowhere, Lavellan said, “Direct translation is ‘you shit on my tongue’.”

Sera laughed. “Why not just say that?”

Lavellan shrugged. “Vints like to be pretentious. No offense, Dorian.”

Dorian wiped the gob-smacked look from his face. “Well, you’re certainly not wrong, but how do you know that? The—the words, not the pretentiousness.”

“A member of our clan is from Tevinter, originally. She speaks it sometimes.”

Dorian considered that for a moment. Then he groaned, putting his hands over his face. “Maker, I really do know how to make an ass of myself in front of you.”

Lavellan laughed. “Good thing it’s such a nice ass. But yes, I wager I do know more about Tevinter than you initially thought.”

“And all this time, you’ve spoken Tevene. How did I not know this?”

He shrugged. “I don’t really care to speak it. And I’m hardly fluent. Just bits and pieces.”

“Let me ask the important question, then: how much of what I’ve said have you understood?”

Lavellan just smirked and did not answer, leaving Dorian to stew in his anxiety. Frantically, he tried to recall the times he’d spoken Tevene within Lavellan’s earshot. Mostly curses, yes, but also complaints and commentary to amuse himself when he thought his language safely oblique. There was no telling. Dammit.

“That’s something impressive, Inquisitor,” Blackwall remarked. “I knew about the Elvish and Antivan, but Tevene, too? Have you got any others?”

“Qunlat, yes?” Dorian said tiredly. Bull had begun teaching Lavellan Qunlat nearly as soon as they met, from what Dorian understood, and these days they spoke little else between the two of them.

“Well, I knew hardly any before the Inquisition, but Bull has been teaching me, yeah. And while my clan’s never gone as far as Rivain, we have a member originally from there, as well, and I’ve learned a bit of Rivaini from her.”

Lavellan spoke with Josephine frequently in Antivan, much to her delight. He’d picked it up when his clan had taken in an Antivan elf and enjoyed practicing with a native speaker. It shouldn’t surprise Dorian that Lavellan knew even more languages; he was an avid study of just about everything he encountered.

“Bet you know lots of swears then, yeah?” Sera piped up.

“Oh, certainly. The swears are the most important part of any language.”

“Hah!”

“No Orlesian?” Blackwall asked.

Lavellan grimaced spectacularly. “Ugh, no, absolutely not, I refuse. Having to know Tevene is already more than enough.”

Dorian rolled his eyes. A pity, though. Lavellan’s voice sounded good speaking any language, and he’d missed having conversations in his native tongue. Krem didn’t hold as much fondness for their shared language as he did and was little good in that regard.

They trekked on, Sera and Blackwall falling into conversation about a woman who’d made eyes at him in a village they’d passed through on their way to the Approach. Lavellan hummed, sauntering more surely over the dunes than his companions.

As usual, Dorian’s eyes were drawn to him. He thought of all the times Lavellan had spoken to him in Elvish. It chafed Dorian to know how much of his language Lavellan had understood, while Dorian remained ignorant of Lavellan’s.

Perhaps Dorian could pursue some edification of his own.

tagging @mrs-theirin, @gaysolavellan, @midnightprelude, @cciarants

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 148

This chapter got... long. In a good way. I mean, who objects to a chapter that is practically double-length?  Right.

Speed-run shout outs this week go to: @nagisa-666, @crimson-faith27, @colornotes23, @theronisengard, @gam3rgur1.

Beta-reading thanks go to @baelpenrose, along with general thanks to @the-raven-fae, @anotherusrname, and @charlylimph-blog for being amazing people.

A few things I want to note: the technology behind these suits is NOT my creation. They are very strongly based on the suits used by Rifters in Peter Watts’s Rifters triology. I wish I could take credit for them, but honesty is the best policy.

I hope all my readers are okay wherever you are.  There’s been a lot of severe weather in the last couple of weeks, and I just want you all to be safe.

Once we had Charly, Antoine, and Maverick on board to help with our project, Grey and I agreed that a meeting of the Council would be necessary to cover what we were hoping to achieve - especially once we discovered that the original plan behind the bivouac suits was only waiting for our votes for full approval.  For once, I was looking forward to a full, in-person meeting so that I could glare down every one of my peers, face-to-face.

Glaring over video just lost a certain…. je ne sais quoi.  Even Tyche and Arthur agreed.

As I entered the rarely-used Council chambers, the sheer lack of people caught me off guard.  Grey and Pranav had not arrived yet, but the only others present were Xiomara, Eino, and Huynh.  Eino seemed to notice as I stopped short, and smiled gently. “I know it has been quite some time, but it is protocol that when the Council is voting to override our hosts, or one or more Councillors actually oppose an initiative that impacts the entire ship, only the sitting members and Miys are included in the meetings. Not even administrators are allowed.”

I blinked slowly. “When did that start? Even Arantxa’s trial had administrators in attendance.”

“Witnesses,” Huynh shrugged. “This isn’t a trial, it’s a debate, and our votes cannot be influenced by outside parties.”

“And, thanks to you and Grey, we’re sequestered until we reach a unanimous agreement,” Xiomara added, glaring.

“I disagree, Xiomara,” Grey responded as they breezed into the room. “The entire reason we have a Council is to ensure that the needs of the many are being considered.  Sophia already has a back up plan in the event that our hopes do not pan out, one that is quite more agreeable than what you initially took into account I dare say.”

Eino, ever the peacemaker, held up one pale hand. “Please. Let us save our arguments for the actual debate. Instigating hard feelings will only extend these proceedings, and I believe several of us have lives outside of work we would like to return to.”

“What are the two of you bickering about now?” Pranav sighed as he took his seat.  I hadn’t seen him come in after Grey, but apparently he had been in the room long enough to secure a plate of biscuits and what smelled like tea.  The look I gave him only garnered a wink.

“Before they start in again,” Eino responded as loudly as he ever got - which was a firm tone but not terribly loud in all honesty, “The entire Council is present, so we will be starting shortly. I would like to confirm that our esteemed host is present as well?”

“Indeed,” the reply came from the ceiling. “And per human custom, I have only myself to consult with. Councilor Emeritus Rodriguez is not present.”

“Thank you. With that, we may call the session to order.” Eino stood, acting as parliamentarian for the duration. “As you are all aware, Miys recently brought to our attention that humans are, in fact, considered a Class III Biohazard within the greater Galactic community. To protect the Eko-mari fleet that will be escorting us, we are asked to comply with safety protocols which ask that we wear the bivouac suits.”

I stifled a giggle when, rather than showing a projection to the group, he pulled out one of the ridiculously tiny suits.  The only one who apparently heard me was Xiomara, who sat in her customary seat to my left and kicked my shin gently.  For all that we were at loggerheads on this topic, it was apparent that we were both ready to lay it to rest and celebrate-slash-commiserate over a meal.

As he handed the sample-suit off to his left, Eino flicked up a schematic. “For the edification of the group, the bivouac suits are structured from a reflex-copolymer sheath which is selectively permeable, hydrophobic, and resistant to extreme temperatures. Oxygen and nitrogen are able to pass through the suit from the outside, while carbon dioxide is able to pass from the inside. They seal in the back with a semi-intelligent macromolecule, with a second macromolecule across the mouth that allows us to attach nutrient packs so we can eat while in the suit.”

This was so much worse than I expected, and I could feel my heart beginning to race and my gag reflex kicking in. I wasn’t even claustrophobic, but just the idea of putting one of those suits on made me feel like I was suffocating.  Glancing around the table, I could visibly see at least Huynh’s opinion changing from apathetic to… sweaty and fidgety.

Eino continued, dismissing the schematic. “The vote today is whether this is the correct solution for the situation, or if other options should be considered.  Xiomara Kalloe, as you are defending the majority opinion, you have the floor first.”

“Thank you,” she acknowledged as she took the floor. “Council, my acceptance of the bivouac suits is quite simple - this is standard Galactic safety protocol when interacting with a sentient species that could be considered harmful to your own or others simply by virtue of existing in the same atmosphere. As our species is the one considered to be the biohazard,  custom expects that we would be the species in containment.  Otherwise, there is a possibility of danger to not only the Ekomari, but also any other species that stepped on their ship until it is properly decontaminated. While decontam is a simple process for the Ark - as Hujylsogox ships are designed with such measures in mind and largely handle the process themselves, at all times - records indicate that decontamination of an Ekomari ship would require near-complete disassembly, along with replacement of any porous surfaces.”

Even I had to whistle softly at that. Okay, then. We are that gross, got it. Not surprised, given the number of plagues humanity had experienced, combined with some of the people I had dated in the past.

“I believe the impacts of your statement are quite apparent, Councilor Kalloe. Thank you,” Eino stated. “Dissenting opinion is being provided by Councilor Sophia Reid. Questions will be addressed after dissenting opinion has been provided and a fifteen minute recess has been taken to allow consideration. Sophia? Your floor.”

“Thank you, Eino.” I smiled gently before composing myself. “While mine is being considered the ‘dissenting’ opinion, due to the exact reasons that Xiomara herself provided, I entirely agree with the need to be careful and considerate of other species, especially regarding the potential to repeat the smallpox-blanket mistakes of our past.” Without fail, the entire group winced.  “Exactly. We all agree that we aren’t doing that again - not should not, are not.  All that I am asking the Council to take into account is the potential to traumatize members of our own group by only considering the bivouac suits as a possibility.  Yes, the bivouac suits have proven themselves out by the entire galactic community, they are completely safe from a physiological perspective, et cetera.”  

This is where I had to take a deep breath, since this was literally my entire argument, and I had already admitted as much. “I am not arguing the use of them entirely, I am arguing the use of the suits, strictly.  Selfishly, I find myself experiencing a panic response at the idea of wearing them, and that is only by being more familiar with them - I’m sorry, Eino, but before you gave more details, my personal opinion was ‘I will sweat, but I can suck it up’. Now it’s ‘oh hell no and I’m not even claustrophobic, eff this’.”

“Understood,” he conceded gently.

With a nod, I forged on, encouraged. “However, that is just for myself. There are members of the Ark who cannot bear the feel of clothes, who fear restrictions, or the dark… Valuable members of our crew who will experience severe psychological trauma if forced into one of those suits.  And that, I cannot let go unspoken of, or unnoticed, without being remiss in my role as Councilor.” I steeled myself from glancing at Xiomara; she was over Health and Safety, and any form of addressing her directly would be considered a direct attack on her competence. “I have alternatives, to be used in conjunction with the bivouac suits, so that we can all keep those escorting us as safe as possible while also protecting our own people.”

I took my seat, and as soon as my hands dropped to my lap, Xiomara grabbed one and squeezed my fingers. The debate was over, the rest of the Council just had to figure that out.

“Thank you, Sophia,” Eino nodded seriously. “We shall take our break, and then convene for questions. Xiomara and Sophia, we ask that you remain at that side of the room. Councilors, you are asked to stay on the opposite side of the room. You are allowed to speak among yourselves, but any questions for Sophia or Xiomara are to be held until we as a group can consider them at the same time.”

Xiomara leaned over. “Derek,” she whispered sadly.

“Or Nixe,” I admitted. “Can you imagine forcing her into one of those?”

“Not without reinforcements and enough sedative to drop a horse,” she admitted, squeezing my fingers one more time before releasing them.

The break ended quickly, and Pranav was kind enough to quickly-but-silently set snacks and drinks, along with an enormous pitcher of water, in front of me and Xiomara before we picked up with the questions they were allowed.

Without hesitation, Huynh’s hand shot in the air to ask the first question.  While I never quite got around to actually liking him, I could very much appreciate his tendency to get straight to the heart of what he wanted to know, with very little patience for anything he deemed less important. “Clearly, you both agree on the need to quarantine ourselves, there is no argument there. Sophia, you mentioned alternatives to the bivouac suits. What are those?”

Grey gave me a pointed look with a slight squint. They were smug in the knowledge that we had already turned one vote, and I resisted the urge to grin in response. “Absolutely. As I mentioned, there is a significant portion of the population on the Ark that would be psychologically triggered by the bivouac suits. I have already spoken with members of the medical and engineering teams, and there are several options that we can adapt for our use, all of which are already in use within the Galactic community.”

With a flick, I brought up one example on the table emitter. “First, we have portable bioelectric fields, similar to what was used in medical when we first came on the Ark. Our teams have seven-nines of certainty that they can have these ready before rendezvous.” Flick, another example. “For more drastic situations, or simply so that we are not required to wear the suits at all times, even when we are back on the Ark, quarantine procedures in specified areas - similar to an airlock - so that anyone who does not or cannot wear a suit or personal field can remain safely in quarantine to keep the fleet away from our general biological ick.”

Nods circled the table. Xiomara went from drumming her fingers to pressing them down hard enough to turn her nail beds white - she was literally gripping for dear life to keep from laughing. I coughed to hide my smile, and forged on to the third option. “For the next example, I want to be clear: this is an entirely serious suggestion, regardless of how comical it looks.  Even without knowing the composition of the bivouac suits, we did practical tests with the sample that Noah was kind enough to leave with my office. Again, I am entirely serious, this is not a joke, no matter how much it looks like one.”

Despite my warning, I heard a round of snorts and no few giggles as I put the next example up on the emitter. I ignored them, completely understanding how comical it looked, allowing them to compose themselves. Gesturing at the nearly-spherical generic-human shape that was being projected, I soldiered on. “This is one of the bivouac suits, with added atmosphere to avoid claustrophobia.” With both hands, I pivoted the image to point at the back, just where the neck met the spine. “An atmospheric generator has been added here, to re-inflate the suit in the event that the person wearing it needs to eat or otherwise breach the suit.  Obviously, this would be done in one of the aforementioned quarantine areas, not on the actual Ekomari vessel.”

Huynh’s grin was nothing short of feral.  “These are all quite solid suggestions. Thank you.”

“Wait,” Pranav sputtered. “You’re quite serious about the… balloon man?”

Grey slid a pocket-sized atmospheric generator over. “Practical demonstration, if you want to try it on.”

Shaking his head with a smile, he slid it over to Huynh. “I am certain his department can do more with it than mine, but it should prove to be… quite an introduction to our stellar neighbors.”

“Any further questions?” I asked, feeling significantly more confident.

“I have one for Xiomara, and possibly Grey, actually,” Eino asked, clearing his throat. “Despite the fact that this will be readily apparent, I feel like I should preface this would not have been something I previously considered, but now I must know.” Oh, shit. My glance down at Xio revealed a very similar sentiment. “It has been mentioned that humans are considered a Class III Biohazard? We have put a lot of effort into defending the Ark from the potential of pirates, looting, and possible enslavement. If we are a Galactic biohazard, what value would there be in any species abducting us only to potentially die or experience at least a plague if we are encountered? Would that not… deter? Species from attacking us?”

Xiomara pinched the bridge of her nose. “I see where this is going. Please convey this to the person who I am reasonably sure you are asking this for:  Yes, being a Class III biohazard also makes humanity a Class III bioweapon. And while that would initially make others hesitant to abduct us, eventually there are groups that will figure out quarantine protocols, just like we have, and will realize that they can just… smuggle a human on a ship, wait for everyone on board to die or get to ill to function, and then sweep in to just… I don’t know, blow the locks. Who thinks of a weapon as a person? It’s not like they’ll worry about what happens to the human who gets swept into space.”

“And all of ‘the humans’ are on this ship, eventually on that colony,” I added, with all the gravity I could include. “Meaning we all know that ‘bioweapon’. There are seven ‘bioweapons’ in this room, alone.”

The room fell into silence, until Eino was brave enough to clear his throat. “So. If the debate is over, let us vote.  We will await suggestions for stepping up drills and defense training.”

The motion carried quickly in favor of using the proposed combination of containment measures, with unanimous agreement. 

<< Prev  Masterlist  Next >>

[simonalkenmayer]

hi hi i just read your faq n i thought it'd be interesting to send my opinion for the study (i think) you're conducting

i think it's super cool you're doing this !! sometimes your content comes up on my dash and i look at the url and it's always nice. the things you say always give make me pause and think about it for a while (not in a bad way !!) and i always leave with something nice to fill the dull moments in my days

okay, that's it ! i hope you find something worthwhile in your experiment ^^

Well the study is over. I’m still taking data for my own edification, though I’ve already shared my results with concerned parties. I try to always be a positive force, which includes sharing information, learning, giving advice, and bees. Lots of bees.

[knuffled]

quick disclaimer that these are just my personal thoughts and i don’t claim to speak for anyone else in the fandom and they may feel differently than i do. i just wanted to chime in on the recent events from my vantage point as an indian.

in light of recent events, i wanted to talk about why other people of color in the fandom have said that it’s exhausting to educate people about what rick did that was so offensive. although i’m not sure there’s an intended audience for this, i would hope you give this a read if you’re white and want to help ease the pain the people of color in the community are feeling right now. 

i’m sure that most of you who have sent asks about this did so with honest intentions with the desire to better educate yourselves, and i can imagine that many of you might have felt that the responses you received were abrasive, even though you only wanted to help.

but you have to understand that it is incredibly painful to talk about why exactly you feel disrespected and dehumanized for someone else’s edification. 

whenever i try, i find that the task of doing so requires sifting through a lot of accumulated hurt and the weight and influence of racism in my own life, like reaching into a stack of needles to find a straw of hay, but beyond that there comes the profound feeling of tiredness. 

why should i have to explain that i feel disrespected for someone else’s sake? why should i have to defend my right to exist?

what you view as an honest way to educate yourself becomes, for us, an exercise in preparing our own suffering in neat, digestible, bite-sized pieces for someone else’s consumption. this is impossible to begin with because racism is so complicated and intertwined with history, culture, politics, religion, and other modalities of power, that it necessitates a lot of nuance. 

to do it any justice and actually educate you would require the same amount of labor that defending a thesis in an academic paper would require, but racism is not something academic we can distance ourselves from by escaping to an ivory tower - it’s too deeply enmeshed in personhood for that to be possible.

in short, please consider that asking to be educated about racism is not a neutral for people of color: it entails educating yourself at our expense.

[nikrei]

February Comics Round-Up

Once again for my own edification: what I read this month re:DC.

Flash 306-350 (1982-1985)

Still love this but I will say it again: the ending felt mean-spirited towards Barry, just heaping on the problems and bullshit till they chased him out of his own time. It felt like someone in the editorial just didn't like Barry.

JLA 187-223 (1980-1984)

Still going strong but still a big ensemble which makes it a slower read for me. They're still doing the wierd 'Diana and Barry don't get along' thing. My faves are still 100% red tornado and elongated man.

Daring New Adventures of Supergirl 1-23 (1982-1984)

A lot of fun!! Ended rather abruptly (did it get canceled? Yeh just checked it got canceled) which is a shame, I wanted to know what Kara's conductor boyfriend was up to (guy was getting very sus towards the end). It really benefitted compared to the 70s supergirl for having the same author throughout. Deffo recommend this one even if u know fuck all about the superfam like me.

(Not nearly so much as January but I discovered that sadly u cannot draw and read comics at the same time, which seems like something they should fix in the next patch idk)

[gas-station-trackphone]

Fic Recs/Mandatory Reading for Reddie fans

Here is an incomplete list of some of my favorite Reddie fics on ao3, because i cannot get over the sheer talent of this fandom’s wonderful writers! A lot of these are the Greatest Hits that you’ll find on almost every fic list, but that’s why I consider them mandatory reading. like if you haven’t read some of these, what are you doing?

the years go by like days by georgiestauffenberg, rated M

the 27 years in between, but better because richie and eddie stay together. every time i think of this fic, i think of that lady gaga meme where she’s like “brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, etc” and maybe it’s bc this is one of the first reddie fics i ever read, but this one is always gonna be my favorite

broken record by spunknbite, rated E

the mother of all time loop fics. every reddie veteran gets chills at the phrase “the house on Neibolt was still standing”

literally everything by stitchy

like seriously just clear a few days bc you’re not gonna want to stop reading this author once you start. no other author has made me literally fucking cackle in one paragraph and sob in the next like this one, pls do yourself a favor and devour all their works like i did 

the night we met (take me back) by camerasparring, rated E

ch2 fix-it where eddie shows up at richie’s door alive and with no memory. great slow burn with a wonderfully conflicted richie, 10/10

let’s hear it for my baby! series by cloudings, rated E

OOOOOOOHHH boy! a modern teen!reddie grindr AU that’s both steamy AND sweet?? more like a fucking blessing amen hallelujah

a heart that laughter has made sweet by marjaani, rated E

another lovely teen!reddie fic that’s got it all! sweet, stupid boys, humor, a teeny bit of angst, and some 5-alarm fire smut with some top eddie, as a treat

keep talking. i’ll keep walking toward the sound of your voice. by theappleppielifestyle, rated T

angst with a happy ending is my favorite, and this one is just fantastic. so sweet, so sad! and stan is featured as eddie’s afterlife buddy and idk about y’all but i cannot get enough of stanley uris in my reddie fics. read this, then read all this author’s reddie fics, they’re all amazing

collateral by loosecannon, sheepknitssweater, rated E

a post-ch2 fic that i guess could be classified as fix-it, BUT with some very interesting twists. they beat the clown, everyone lives, but no one really gets the tropey happy ending. the WIP sequel is also incredible and i live for the updates.

the greater fool  series by mischiefmanager, mostly rated T with some E

this is a series i’ll reread a lot bc it’s so fucking good. follows young reddie into early adulthood, mostly a bunch of cute shit where they figure out themselves and their relationship. also contains the single best teen reddie fic in existence, he came in through the window, but reading the whole series is a must

brokeback derry and everything else by Amuly, rated E

27 years in between, richie and eddie reconnect in their 20s and meet back up in derry twice a year to remember and love each other before going back to their lives and forgetting. so much pain. there’s a lot of sweet stuff in there, but you can see shit’s gonna get complicated from miles away and the anticipation almost gave me stomach ulcers (in a good way). ultimate angst with a happy ending.

let me name the stars for you by playedwright, rated M

speaking of angst with a happy ending...Martian AU!!!!! this one fucked me up in the best way, i literally called my roommate at 2am to vent to her about my emotions after reading it. i go back and reread chapter 8 just to be overwhelmed by it, and it makes me cry every time. plus, there are awesome sequels/companion pieces in the series! read this, i beg you!

walk through fire for you by hyruling, rated T

unwind after all that angst with some cute, drunk, confused eddie being very upset when he finds out richie is engaged. richie only teases him a little before pointing out the matching ring on eddie’s finger. 

in the heat of the summer (you're so different from the rest) by kaboomslang, rated E

post-ch2 slow burn with tags that really say it all, including but not limited to: eddie moves to california and richie is a mess, Eddie Kaspbrak’s Hot Girl Summer, and cute middle aged man dates

pivotal moments by danfanciesphil, polypocket, rated E

high school reddie has a sort of fwb thing goin on, but emotions get in the way. featuring wonderful bevchie friendship, hella miscommunication, cute double dates, high eddie, and a happy ending

like a bullet in the back by jerry_duty, rated M

adult idiots in love! a personal favorite trope of mine! slow burn with a fair helping of angst but a really great ending. richie stays with eddie in new york while he’s there on business, and it takes these losers SO LONG to figure it out but the way they dance around it is very cute

no sense of living without aim [WIP] by liesmyth, rated E

richie and eddie meet on grindr in the 27 years between and hey, whadda ya know, they fall in love! i really love this fic but i’m pretty sure it’s been abandoned. i’ve had it open on my phone browser for like 3 months with no update but i still check it regularly bc i’m pathetic and this fic is just so good i’m DYING to know what happens next so read at ur own risk

a strange sense of familiarity [WIP] by Katranga, rated E

another “they meet and fall in love without remembering” fic, and even though it’s not complete yet, it gets regular updates. oh, also, i’m obsessed with it. they’re long distance fuck buddies who can’t admit they’re in love, and then they get hit with the childhood memories! and everyone lives! what’s not to love!  also PLEASE read kisses take like mint and every other reddie work by this author, they are all fantastic

adult friends by sudowoodo, rated T

AU where adult reddie meet at a first aid seminar for work (immediately fall in love), become friends, become best friends, and finally get to be happy. has some super repressed eddie and intensely pining richie, which is always fun, and genuinely made me laugh out loud. also please check out this author’s other reddie fics, there’s some super sweet kid reddie in there that really warms the heart

the mind's a funny fruit by joldiego, rated T

eddie wakes up barely alive in derry, has 0 memory, calls himself richie, and moves in with some lesbians. an absolute must read that ought to be on every reddie fic rec compilation. i read this a long time ago and just thinking about it makes me want to read it again.

now what i'm gonna say may sound indelicate [WIP] by IfItHollers, rated E

it took me entirely too long to find this fic since i joined the fandom, and it’s truly a fucking masterpiece. it’s almost at 200k now and still unfinished, and the slow burn is excruciating, but this is a legendary fic for a reason. eddie spends the first chunk of this fic in the hospital recovering from the massive chest wound, and then he and richie move the recovery to ben’s cabin in the woods. the author’s notes for each chapter are a story in themselves

signs of a new lifetime by swordfishtrombones, rated T

one of the sweetest, most romantic reddie fics i’ve ever read. a fresh take on a classic concept: post-ch2, they’re in love, they haven’t said/done anything about it yet, BUT!!! it’s not angsty! they are all cute and giggly like “you say it first!” “no, you say it first!” and it makes me fucking MELT

broadcasting tower by swordfishtrombones, rated E

back-to-back recs from the same author! bc i love these fics so much! sort of similar to the last one in that they both know what’s up and just haven’t said it, but this one’s got the angst! i didn’t know when i read it that it was the same author as the other fic, and i thought how funny, i found another reddie author that perfectly captures this pair in such a wonderfully romantic way! i also just noticed there’s a follow up to this so now i have to go read that immediately

eurydice; the original comeback kid by Vulcanodon, rated M

for the love of god please read this and the other work in this series. it’s a ch-2 fix-it with some intense action sequences and major pining, and it has haunted me since i first read it

love on the telephone by tempestbreak, rated E

okay this one is really just 30k of pure smut but it’s also so sweet and features a mini sexual awakening for eddie and some insecure richie with an emphasis on how much they love and trust each other. also it doesn’t hurt that the smut is fire, like does anyone else want that twink obliterated, or is it just me?

the boy who loves you by candlejill, rated E

eddie lives, richie confesses, things are chill and then they’re not. richie’s career flourishes, which is always nice to read and is what ultimately catalyzes eddie’s gay awakening and realization of his love for richie. it’s got some sad angsty parts and a very sweet ending, and it up there as one of my favorite reddie fics of all time

richie and eddie break up [WIP] by skeilig, rated M

a refreshing and realistic take on life ch-2 for the losers, because being in love at thirteen doesn’t mean you can fall into a perfect relationship at 40. i’ll admit, i’m hoping this will ultimately be a “richie and eddie get back together” fic, but it’s still a very good read (and often very funny in the second chapter) at the moment in the midst of their break up

september 1989 and everything else by pineapplecrushface, rated T

cute kid reddie figuring it out and making me smile. the follow up to this and the after derry series by this author are also personal favorites

go west by ssstrychnine, rated T

road trip fic! an absolute work of art slow burn with teen reddie in the 90s. it’s so beautifully written i just wish i could go back and read it for the first time again

the edification of eddie kaspbrak by tozier, rated M

character study with some incredible fucking prose, my lord it gorgeous. explores how eddie learns about love as he grows up, and it’s super fucking sad sometimes bc the poor boy doesn’t know how to have the things he wants and i just want to give him a hug, but it’s really a spectacular fic

circular motion by sinchronicity, rated M

soulmate!AU that follows book canon and even though it’s been a long time since i’ve read it and the details are fuzzy, i remember absolutely loving it and thinking it was incredible

tell me you know by RichiesToesHurt, rated E

college losers with some severely pining and jealous richie with a lovely ending 

predicament bondage [WIP] by dgalerab, rated E

i resisted reading this fic for so long, recently broke and binged all of it, and now i’m like frothing at the mouth for updates. richie’s a closeted actor/comedian who meets eddie, a professional Dom, when he needs help researching a role. they become friends, they develop crushes, richie realizes he’s a sub, and it’s just so much fun to read

there’s a lot more fics to rec so i might add on to this in the future, but in the meantime my biggest tip for for reading fanfiction that took me embarrassingly long to figure out: focus on the authors! if you read something you like, check out the rest of the work by that author bc odds are you’ll like that too. i mentioned it in a few specific works above, but check out the authors catalogues for these fics. if i included every work by these authors that i loved, this list would be miles long

feel free to add on any great stuff i missed, there’s sure to be tons of it!

[cupcakecoterie]

@true0neutral - Hazel, half-elf cleric

@fauxfire76 - Darvin, human bard/sorcerer

@miaaoi - Froseth, dragonborn monk

@hyperewok1 - Remi, human paladin/warlock

@lindira - Clarity, tiefling rogue/warlock

Marion - Ava, human ranger

Brian - Barnabus, minotaur fighter

And finally we’re caught up as of this post!

The gang (minus Remi and Alisaie) sat in an anteroom and, in some cases, fretted a lot about what was going on with their two missing comrades. Hazel the caregiver went to try to comfort Ava, technically the worst off. Barnabus joined in with solid knowledge of the fact the gynosphinxes, as Lawful Good, play fair at least - flagging up that it wasn’t gonig to be like the Lord of Chaos and Misrule’s ‘entertainment’ challenges. This left Hazel free to smooch a worried Clarity.

The smooch got interrupted by an Alisaie, in full-speed flight, shoulder-blocking the door open and then yeeting a briefly armour-free Remi into the room. Remi magicked her armour on while Alisaie screamed for everyone who could go ranged to go ranged right now, thanks, and to put the fire-resistant ones in the forefront if possible.

Then the remorhaz crashed into the room after them. It got a surprise round whereby it chomped the almighty hell out of Barnabus. Then the fight began.

Barnabus got swallowed. Hazel got one-shot chomped into unconsciousness. Alisaie hit it with Confusion at the earliest opportunity (I love that spell). Froseth hit it hard enough to get it to vomit them up, at least. And, after some significant damage taken by its “You hit me in melee, you take fire damage” crap, Alisaie managed to get the kill shot, mostly by dint of Darvin’s College of Valour d10 Inspiration die added to her damage.

My dice rolling the way they do was bad to the party and to my own PC, given that the damage rolls in response to Alisaie’s attacks were 18 twice over on 2x3d6. OW.

INTERLUDE: This time is not the usual interlude. This one is the one-on-one session with @hyperewok1 outlining how Remi and Alisaie found each other and got through their individual challenges, and how they found the remorhaz that attacked the party in the first place.

After taking a rest (and Alisaie cooking bits of the remorhaz for lunch) the party found a gigantic library, and the ghost of a silver dragonborn that bore a moderate physical resemblance to Froseth (though Froseth himself with the higher Perception check reasoned that this gentleman actually looked a little more like Farideh). Turns out that this individual was Froseth’s multiple-times great-uncle - the other brother of the Rimehook clan went west when Tiamat-worship took Equitas a very long time ago, and founded the settlement where Froseth was born, whereas this brother stayed to guard the old records, hidden behind an old temple to Auril. He got a copy of the Rimehook family tree for the Silver Vault, and a copy for his own edification, upon a promise to tell Farideh about the place one day. Clarity got a book that was basically a table of contents to the whole library, though no specifics, after she plaintively begged to just be allowed to read the spines.

They went back to Bergtown for a couple of days to wait for the People to finish trading. A couple of them went spear-fishing with the Moskoy. Remi got a natural 20 and solo-killed a massive tuna, but the other three came away with something too - smaller things that, by custom, they were supposed to cook and eat for their own meal. Hazel was fine with the cooking, and it turns out that Darvin paid more attention to his family’s kitchen staff and Alisaie’s cooking lessons than anyone would have guessed. Ava, on the other hand, did not, and ended up with her fish being burned and mis-seasoned to inedibility. She got some of the stew made from Remi’s giant tuna and promises of cooking lessons.

Froseth read his copy of his family legacy, finding out a few things about the family he’s all but lost. Didn’t get very far into it over a couple of days, though.

Next session, we speed through the last of the trip to Damyl, and the gang get to visit the capital of Eun-Bac, and the Silver Vault, and Vieve Alled’s palace as guests (which is how she greets first-time visitors. Since first-fime visitors have always come across the wastes, it seems only fair to do them honour for that achievement.

[battendownthewhatsit]

@aflamethatneverdies replied: Wait, I need more info of Silver 'dying' in S1. Which episode/scene was it, I don't remember. This show has so much happen in all the seasons that I think I have forgotten s1 stuff already.

There is SO much happening all the time!  I keep wishing I could just flip back a couple pages and reread this or that scene!

I’m assuming you meant the time I’ve got him dying on his own, not the time with Walrus crew (which is when the Walrus loses the fight with the warship and sinks ; the only reason that has an asterisk is there’s no one really there to report  on their death,though I suppose the Spanish probably take it as a given, since they don’t seem to be looking for survivors...)

So for that one: the first potential death for John Silver is in the very first scene, when Flint’s crew take the ship.  Very simple version:  Silver definitely sheds his old role and old life when he joins Flint’s crew, under the pretense of being a cook; something like Billy did, maybe, when he joined the pirates. I think changing identity/roles after a near-lethal experience is probably enough to count-- but I also think it’s possibly, even probably, a much more dramatic change, and much more full Symbolic Death, than it could first appear.

This one is really interesting to me, bc we know nothing  about who anyone is when the fight scene starts.  We hear from the prize-ship crew on deck that the attacking ship is Captain Flint’s Ship; below decks, we get told that the two men hiding consist of a cook and.... 

Well, and who?   

I didn’t even realize this at first (or second or third) , but the actual  cook never calls Silver by name. Which would have been so incredibly easy to do! Just change “ What are you doing?”  (the cook’s line when Silver? barges into the cabin) to “ Silver! What are you doing?”   But the cook doesn’t say that. And then the cook is dead. 

Flint is introduced to us by the crew he’s attacking. Gates is first named by other men in the crew getting his attention. This is the easy way to introduce characters for the audience’s edification! But Silver? Silver introduces himself, like so:

Hello! He couldn't handle the thought of what you might do to him. I, on the other hand,would very much like to join your crew. My name is John Silver. And I happen to be a very good cook.

and we know most of that is a lie.  Silver is no  kind of cook, and the actual cook did not kill himself; he was actually pretty sure that he’d be spared and expected to join the pirates. Silver killed him (admittedly in self defense)!  Nor does Silver want to join the pirates, he only wants to Not Die (and perhaps to get away from his former crew).  The only piece of info in this intro that even might  be true is “ My name is John Silver.”  But is it?  The show deliberately withholds any outside confirmation of this!

Silver-the character we call Silver-- is not stupid, and, unlike a lot of other smart characters in fiction, he doesn’t count  on other people being stupid. He’d know the ship would have a crew list, and that it would almost certainly be read, if only to search for people with rare qualifications (trained doctor, carpenter, etc). He wouldn’t count on the entire pirate crew being illiterate.  

Would the Silver we know take the time to think about this in the seconds before the door crashes in? Almost certainly.  Would he count on a potentially lethal enemy seeing the entry for “Ship’s Cook”  and the entry for “ John Silver”  don’t match up?  I doubt it. 

What I’m saying is, I’m pretty sure John Silver, Ship’s Cook is left dead , belowdecks, on the ship that gets attacked. Which means whatever name and ID our Silver was using before, it’s gone now. That Man Is Dead, too, along with Silver The Cook. That last probably has a burial in the sea, with any of the crew’s other dead,  long after Flint’s crew has left-- carrying with them John Silver, Nothing and Nobody From Nowhere.

I know I’m hardly the first person to think of this (it would be weird if it was!) . I’ve seen some people suggest that Silver’s “ original”  name was Solomon Little, the person he names in several of his stories-- and maybe it was, once, but I’d bet it wasn’t the name he used for the crew we first see him with. 

So there’s an asterisk there because while I’m pretty sure  that John Silver dies on that first ship, along with whoever Our Silver used to be-- we don’t know for sure. No one gets to know for sure.  That’s part of the point of the character.  But either way, the person Silver was is left behind in some sense when he joins Flint’s crew, so...the “ death”  stays on the board.