#i don't have the energy to find a new therapist so maybe i should just ignore it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

zunniva · 1 year

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Heartbroken Love pt. 3

I'm totally new to tumblr and I can't for the life of me figure out how to link to the other 2 parts... Sorry :)

Heartbreak and Love

In this part I freely imagine the aftermath of Vecna's rampage. It's also he part where Emma and Steve really find each other, eventually. All is good in the end though!

The darkness... it's taken over. Dad tells me I graduated, I have no memories of this. I apparently went up on that stage, got my diploma, refused to leave until principal Higgins gave me Eddies diploma too. I have a faint memory of the Hellfire club standing up cheering, alongside Steve and the gang. All cheering and screaming Eddies name. People booing, Steve throwing something at them. But this is just like a memory of a dream... you're not quite sure it's real. Dad says it is, he was standing up cheering for Eddie as well.

It's been 3 months now, 3 agonizing months without him. The trailer park was demolished in the “earthquake” so Wayne had to leave. He came by to say good bye, and he left me Eddies guitar. Told me that if I ever found myself in whatever part of the country he ended up in I needed to look him up. I think I promised him that. I sleep with the guitar in my bed, or sleep. I stay in some kind of dormancy, not asleep not awake. Just... shut off. Then dad comes and makes me get out of bed, every morning without fail. He makes sure I take a shower and then I just sit there in my chair, holding the guitar looking out the window.

The town is slowly coming back from the disaster that was “the earthquake” dad tells me. They're rebuilding and fixing what they're able to. I don't care... What's to care about? A town that celebrated the dead like heroes of war but ignored one of the only real heroes it had? Not one mention about him in the eulogies, even AFTER they came out and said he was falsely accused of the murder of Chrissy. Not even then was he mentioned as anything but “that freak Munson boy” I understand why Wayne felt he needed to leave.

Dad's been asking me if we should leave too, maybe head back to Sweden so I can apply for university next semester. I cry silent tears when he says this, so he doesn't push. The therapist that comes here once a week told him not to push. Just give me time, I'll come out of this eventually, it'll be easy once I get over the initial pain. Fucking moron, I hope someone he loves dies and he can come tell me how easy it is to “come out of it”. I feel angry, all the time. Then sad, and I cry. I don't know where the tears come from, you'd think I would have run out by now. But that's my life now, anger, tears and pain. But no actions, I don't have it in me to DO anything but stare into nothingness and...exist.

I miss him so much, sometimes I just wish I had it in me to... you know join him. But I can't do that to dad. He loved Eddie too, I know this but I have no energy to be there for him and that also makes me miserable.

The guys have been around to visit. In the beginning almost every day. Now school's started again and Nancy, Steve and Robin have all got new jobs. So I'm alone all day. Dad got a promotion following the death of Jason, his dad had a mental breakdown and couldn't keep working. The board asked dad to step in and manage the whole company. I'm sure I'm proud somewhere inside, I might even be able to show it some day.

I have absolutely no idea what happened to them in the Upside down, after finding Dustin in that parking lot I've lost track of everything. Steve is the one that comes over the most, he sits beside me holding my hand. Not speaking, I can't take in what people tell me any ways. He just sits there. It feels good having him there, comforting.

Another month passes, I think it's getting a bit easier to exist. Not a lot but I manage to remember things dad tells me for more than 10 minutes. I get out of bed on my own, I've even been down stairs a few times. I can tell dad is tentatively hopeful, maybe I am to. But at the same time I'm terrified. What if I get better and I forget him? What if everyone moves on and he's just passed in to oblivion? When these thoughts hit I panic. The only thing calming me down is to sit in bed strumming Eddie's guitar humming to myself. That's also the only use of my voice since that day I graduated. I haven't spoken, not one word. I nod and I shake my head.

On this particular day the intrusive thoughts are really bad and I decide to do something I haven't done in 4 months. I pick up the phone after making sure it's a Saturday and not a weekday.

“Hello?”

“Please come over...” my voice is low and sounds more like a croak from a frog than an actual person

“Emma?”

“Please... I need you”

“I'll be right there”

10 minutes later I hear the door bell. My dad opens the door

“Oh hey Steve, good to see you. I don't know if she's up yet”

“She is... Martin she called me... she actually spoke” I hear the happiness in Steve's voice.

“Are you sure? You're not joking are you?” I hear from the tone on dads voice that he doesn't quite trust Steve

“I thought for a moment myself that I was dreaming, but then I pinched myself and I was awake. She called Martin...and she called ME!” I have no clue what he meant by that

I hear his footsteps in the hallway then a soft knock on the door. It opens and his smiling face looks at me

“Hey” he looks at me

“Hey” I croak and he starts sobbing

“Oh god I missed your voice Em, so much you have no idea” he comes up to me taking my hand “you mind if I give you a hug?”

“Nah, that's why I wanted you here... I need one” I whisper

He wraps me in his arms and he hugs me tight.

“I missed you” he says in to the crease of my neck

“I understand that, can't promise I'm gonna be here all the time but I'm getting closer...maybe” I say and I wrap my arms around him as well. If feels so good having someone close. I forgot how good it feels. We part from the hug “Hey, Steve. Maybe weird to ask after this long. But would you mind laying down on the bed with me. This position isn't comfortable and I can't stand up for that long” I look up at him

“I'd let you lie on top of me on the floor if it made you more comfortable Em. Not weird at all, c'mon lets get you in to bed” he smiles and takes my hand.

We lay down on the bed and he wraps his arms around me and I put my head on his chest so I can hear his heart beating. His hands slowly rubbing my arms up and down. I begin to cry softly into his shirt. He coos at me

“There, there you cry. Can't promise it'll make you better right away but maybe in a while. And I'm here for you all the way” he keeps stroking my arms and kissing my head. I can feel how excruciatingly tired I really am. I yawn “You take a nap I'll be right here” he says. I wiggle a little to get more comfortable and I put one arm around him. Then I sleep, like I haven't slept in months. I wake up thinking I just had a short nap, someone's put a blanket over us. Steve has slumped down on the bed so he's lying face to face with me still holding me. He's sleeping to, how long was I out I think. I try to move and Steve's eyes fly open.

“Hey...did I wake you?” he says looking worried

“No I think I woke you up, how long have I been sleeping?”

He looks at his watch “Well... should I lie to you or tell you the truth?” he smiles

“What? Truth...always truth” I say

“23 hours and 45 minutes...” he looks at me

“Excuse me? But... what about you? Have you been here the whole time?” He can't be serious

“You needed me, so I stayed. Of course I stayed” he says stroking my back

“For almost a whole 24 hours? But what about food... toilet...”

“Your dad's been in with food and for the short time it takes me to pee I left you. Hope you don't mind, you didn't even stir when I crawled back down beside you” he kisses my forehead

“Mind... Steve, this is beyond what I can ask of you. Don't put your life on hold for me...” I can't believe this

“Sweetheart, there are two people in this world right now that everyone's lives are on hold for. Yours and Max's. Ok? We all care” he says “maybe some more than others” he finishes with a whisper

“Max? What's wrong with Max?” I feel like I should know but there are no memories only fog

Steve looks at the time “Would you be up for a little trip outside today?” he asks

“Outside?” I think about it “well ok but you need to help me, I have no real strength left to walk”

“No problem!”

“And I need to get some clothes that aren't pyjama” I say tugging at my shirt. I smile, just a little smile but it's the first one in 4 months. Steve looks at me and tears fall down his face

“A smile? Oh God I missed your smile” and then he does something I didn't expect he leans in and he kisses me, just a quick kiss but I can feel it all over. “Oh I'm sorry... I couldn't help myself” he looks so ashamed like he violated me

“It's ok Steve I didn't mind. Made me feel almost like a person again” I say and I take his hand

“You sure?” he looks at me all apologetic

“100% now help me find clothes” I say as I manage to sit up in the bed. Ok so sleeping for almost 24 hours straight feel something like being drunk. The room spins when you sit up, and DAMN I need to pee. I try to get up but the rooms spins even more and I almost fall over.

“What are you doing, sit down please. I don't want you to hurt yourself” he says

“I really, and I can't stress this enough, fucking need to pee” I manage a small giggle and he lights up

“Wow even a giggle, this is a good day. Ok hold on to me and I'll help you to the bathroom”

We manage to get to the bathroom in time and he waits outside the door until I'm done. Then he follows me to the bed again and sits me down.

“Ok so clothes, any ideas?” he says

“Well...” I look down at my body even I can see I lost more weight following Eddie's death “whatever stills fits... So I'm guessing a dress is the best option” I shrug

“Ok, dress it is” he walks up to my closet looking through it. He turns to me and he has a big smile on his face “well I am partial to this one” he says and pulls out the dark green dress I've only worn once and that was when we had our thing at the lake. I blush

“I think that'll be a bit big but I can try it on at least” I say and he hands me the dress “would you please turn around” I say

“Of course” he does so right away. In my mind I go back to that night I last wore this dress, the conversation with Eddie when he was so hellbent on hearing what me and Steve had done he wasn't going to close his eyes while I changed. Tears trickle down the dress as I take off the clothes I have on and pull it over my head. It's big but not as awful as I thought it would be “Ok you can turn around now” I say. He turns and looks at me

“Beautiful, just like last time... But what's wrong?” he wipes the tears from my face

“Last time anyone saw me in this was after you and I... It was Eddie” I say

“Oh... I'm so sorry I had no idea... I just thought about the you and me part” he looks sad and he wraps me in his arms “You wanna change?”

“No, it looks ok and it's comfortable. I'll wear it as an homage” I say “where are we going by the way?”

“You'll see” he says and takes my hand, helping me down the stairs. We go in to the kitchen. Dad looks up

“Honey...you're...” tears start falling down his face

“Hey dad” I say and I hug him and he hugs me back so tight.

“Thank you” he says and I know he's looking at Steve when he says it

“Ehm... I'm taking Emma to the hospital to you know... see her” Steve says

“Her?” I'm confused

“Yeah sweetie, after you... collapsed with Dustin, well a lot more happened. You said you heard someone talking about Jason...and the kid found with him” dad says and I nod “Yeah that was Max...she's still in a coma”

“Max? In a coma? What...” I look at Steve

“We don't really know but I'll tell you what little we do know on the ride there if you still wanna come?” he says

“Yeah, of course I wanna come” I say and I mean it. For the first time in what feels like forever I care about someone, about something. I want to see Max.

“Great I'll bring the car up as far as I can” Steve says and heads out the door

“I'm so happy your feeling a little better today sweetheart. But don't stay out too long, you don't have all your energy you know.” dad looks at me with a hopeful smile

“I know, but I've been in that room for 4 months now. And I know there will be dark days ahead where I won't leave so for today I'm going to see my friends” I say

“Good for you honey, I'm all for it. Steve will take good care of you I know that. Send my love to whoever you see today.” dad kisses my forehead and squeezes my hand. Steve comes in and holds his hand out to me

“Your chariot awaits princess” he smiles and I can't help but smile back and I hear dad sob

“Yes, I do still remember how to smile. I'll try to do it from time to time” I say to him as I take Steve's hand and we head out to the car. At first the outside is an assault to my senses. Smells, sounds and the chill in the air. It's almost knocking me out. As Steve shuts the car door it all gets better. He gets in the drivers seat and he looks at me

“You ok?”

“Yeah, just a lot there after 4 months isolated in one room.” I say

“Oh, sorry didn't think about that. Then maybe I should take the tape out of the stereo” he smiles “don't wanna give you a heart attack”

“A heart attack? With what... Wham?” Steve was more of a mainstream kinda guy

“Well... I kinda changed it up a bit... Got some gifts from Wayne” he mumbles

“What? Wayne... did you... did you get Eddies tapes?” I ask “You? Who hate rock just as much as Eddie hated pop?” I almost laugh out loud at this

“I asked for them... I wanted something so I'd never forget him” he says in a hushed voice

“So you'd never...” my voice fails me and tears start falling again “but I thought you didn't” I manage to get out

“What? Like him...nah not at first. Guy kinda grew on you fast, didn't he” he smiles but I can see he's tearing up to

“He sure did... So you have the tapes... Can you bring them over some time? I want to copy them” I sob

“Of course I can, any time. Shall we go? Or do you want to stay home?”

“Go, this was just a temporary interruption. Feels sort of okish to mention him... not gonna say good. Don't think I'll ever get to good” I say

“Ok go it is” he says and starts the car making sure the tape isn't in.

We talk on the way to the hospital, about his new job. They offered him the basketball coaching position at the high school and he accepted, gladly he tells me. I tell him I'm happy for him, I am even though it might not show on the outside. He tells me what little they know about what happened to Max. Lucas was with her and Jason as Vecna assaulted her mind almost killing her like he did the others. But he was interrupted and Max ended up in a coma instead. Jason was killed in the rupture, he was torn in half apparently. I can't process this fully. So I go back to telling Steve I am happy for him, needing time to get the Max thing in my mind.

“I know you are sweetheart” he says and takes my hand holding it the entire car ride, he's slowly rubbing his thumb along the top of my hand. It's comforting, having someone touch me. We get to the hospital

“I have no idea how many of the guys are here today, but it's the weekend so there might be a few of them. Would that be ok?” he asks

“Yeah, I think it would. You visit her often?” I say

“When I'm not with you I come here for an hour or so. I tell her what's new, don't know if she can hear me but I hope so” he says

“I'm sure some of it comes through to her.” I say, squeezing Steve's hand. I'm thinking back to my past few months, I was awake but not reachable. I have some clue what the mind takes in even if you're not all there for it.

We go in to the hospital and we head up to the ward where Max is. Steve goes in in front of me, I hear some familiar voices. I sneak in after him and the silence is deafening

“Em? You're... you're here? Steve you got her to come out?” Dustin is smiling widely at me running up to hug me.

“Yeah...he helped” I say and they draw a collective breath and Nancy starts crying

“God I missed your voice Em” she comes up and wraps her arms around both me and Dustin. Not caring she crushes him between us “how are you feeling?” she asks as she lets go

“I...don't know. Today kinda ok. Yesterday was bad, tomorrow might be bad again. I think this is a one day at a time deal. But I...” I look over to the bed and my heart drops. A pale shadow of the beautiful girl I knew is laying there. She looks like she's sleeping, nothing more “never mind me, some day I'll be ok. But what about Max? Maybe you told me maybe you didn't but my mind didn't register until Steve told me today” I say and I go up to the bed. I sit down in the chair Nancy was sitting on and I lean over and I begin stroking Max's hair. “Hey Max, it's Em. Sorry it took me so long to come see you...I've been struggling. I guess they told you huh? So you know what...happened to Eddie. I kinda need you to wake up, take your time but just you know...wake up” I whisper. Lucas is sitting across from me holding Max's hand tears falling from his face

“Thank you for talking to her like she's here” he says “the doctors don't... We seem to be the only ones thinking she's coming back from this”

“What? You and me?” I look around

“No we, as in everyone in here” he says with a sad smile “Eleven's been trying to find her... But she says it's like she's hiding. She isn't sure it's safe”

I keep stroking her hair looking at her “So is it? Safe I mean...”

“We did finish him, after Eddie...and Max we got our revenge. Eleven found her powers... maxed them out even and popped his head like a zit... unfortunately we had to use Will as bait, turned out it was him he wanted all along. He's ok just...you know traumatized” Steve says from the corner

“So Vecna is no more? What about the upside down? Is it gone?” I ask dreading the answer

“We have no idea” Nancy says

I look up and I meet Dustin's eyes, I see he's thinking what I'm thinking. I need to find an opportunity to talk to him alone. If there is a chance... I'll risk everything. We stay with Max and the guys for about an hour or so, then I feel my head is about to explode from too many impressions and too many sounds after months of basically only silence. I look at Steve with pleading eyes

“Oh, I think I need to get Emma home, you're beat aren't you?” he says and smiles at me

“Yeah... I'm sorry guys but I am. I'll try to some back the next good day I have, ok?” making no promises because I have no idea what the next day will be like. They all nod and tell me to feel better and that they'll come visit. Steve and I head to the car and he pulls me in close and kisses my head

“You did good today sweetie, but I'll take you home now and get you in to bed ok?”

“Thank you Steve, this was...healthy. Made me get some perspective on my situation seeing Max like that” I say

“Hey, don't belittle your struggle. No one is thinking you're not having a hard time. We've all seen you through the months. Dustin told me about that day, he said the scream coming from you was the single most heartbreaking sound he'd ever heard. Even worse than...his last breath” he looks at me

“You never told me this before...” I say with a hushed voice

“I didn't think you were...susceptible to that kind of information before. I'm sorry”

“No don't be, and you're probably right. I remember some things people told me. Like Wayne telling me I need to look him up at some point, you heard anything from him?” I ask

“Yeah, he called like 2 months ago, he's in Nebraska working at a power plant. He sent me his address, I'll give it to you.” he smiles and hugs me again “ok lets go home now” we drive off and I keep looking out the window, letting my mind wander to what was hatched in my mind at the hospital. We come home to an empty house, a note from dad on the counter.

“Hey honey, they needed me at the office. I might be late. I made dinner, it's in the fridge. Enough for both you and Steve. Love you -Dad”

“Will you stay, please?” I ask Steve

“Of course I'll stay. If you need me I'm here I've told you many times during these months, maybe it hasn't registered but I have. I might not be him, and I will never try to take his place. But I want to be here for you, just like he would have” he looks at me and I wrap my arms around him taking in his smell and his warmth

“Thank you Steve” I can feel the tingle is still there, just like a lonely butterfly at the moment. But he's still Steve, the handsome, sexy, strong guy that not that long ago was naked in my arms writhing beneath me. I blush

“Hey what's this? What's on that mind of yours?” he smiles

“I just had a flashback... From the cabin” I whisper

“Oh...yeah, that. That was a good night wasn't it” he's rubbing my back and I feel so safe for the first time in what feels like forever

“It was... I wish we could have had another chance, another go at it” I keep whispering like I don't want to risk anyone hearing even though we're completely alone in the house.

“You and me both sweetie” he kisses the top of my head, I look up at him. My eyes lock on his lips I can feel his heart beating faster and I hear his breath shiver as he looks down at me. “I don't want to take advantage of you” he says in a coarse voice

“I'm not asking you to fuck me against the counter... That's too soon, but I wouldn't mind a kiss...” I blush. His hands move to the side of my face and he leans down and kisses me softly. My knees feel weak and I sigh against his lips

“I'm sorry but this is all I'm able to give you right now” he whispers and I nod

“All I needed right now, would you stay the night though. Not for this...for sleep?” I say in to his chest

“Any time you need me. But what about we heat up that food your dad left us and then we make ourselves comfy on the couch and we watcha movie or something. Or just talk?”

We eat, then I feel how very tired this day has made me so we opt for my bed instead of the couch. We crawl down under the covers and I once again lay there, head on Steve's chest listening to his heartbeat, feeling safe.

“So what have the doctors said about Max really?” I ask

“Well, she might wake up. They don't know. She responds to what they call stimuli, I guess that means she's still in there. So that apparently gives hope. But it might just go the other way to, if she stops responding then her brain has shut down and then they can't do anything more for her. We're all hoping Eleven's gonna find her and get her to come out of hiding”

“Can you explain that to me? I don't get...that part” I say. I remember when I met them all in Eddie's trailer the last time I saw him. They told me Eleven was like some superhero girl with awesome powers. I didn't fully understand then and I understand even less now

“Eleven is... special you know that right, he told you didn't he?” I nod “Ok, well so she can go in to I guess some kind of in-between and find people's minds. Like find them where ever they are, she found Will when he was lost in the Upside down 4 years ago. But when she tries to find Max now...it's just darkness. She can feel her but not see her. That's why she says it's like she's hiding herself. She tries for like 10 minutes every day. But then she needs to rest. It apparently takes a lot out of her finding people like that. She won't give up, she's been at her side every day for 4 months now and she'll be there every day until she either finds her or we lose her.” Steve explains, my mind is working frantically. Steve looks at me “No she wouldn't look for him, we asked. She didn't want to see it. Apparently when she looks for people that passed she only finds their dead bodies and that is too much for her. She would find him like he is at that moment, and God knows what she would find. We didn't want to ask her again, please respect that” he says, like he read my mind

“I'm sorry... I just...” I start to cry

“I get it sweetheart, I get it. We all wanted to but we had to respect her, Dustin was pestering her a bit at the beginning. But Mike had a conversation with him and he backed off.”

“Do you ever think about trying to get back there and retrieve his body? Give him the funeral he deserves?” I sob

“We did have a funeral sweetheart, don't you remember? It was beautiful”

“We did? I was there?” I have NO recollection of this

“Yes, you held my hand so tight I thought it might fall off. I had to hold you when they lowered the coffin in to the ground. I was afraid you'd fall in with it” he hugs me tight

“I... I can't remember” I cry even harder now

“Sweetie, no one can blame you. It was just weeks after. You we're barely responsive at all back then. Me and Martin carried you in to the service and we carried you out again. We just thought you needed to be there even if we weren't sure you were there with us mentally”

“So he has a grave? I can go see him?” I say between sobs

“Yes he does, I'll take you there as soon as you have a stronger day again. Ok, just let me know when you feel you have the energy to deal with it and I'll take you there” he says softly

“Thank you, but what about... what was in the coffin?” I don't wan to think about it but my mind can't let it go

“Photos of him, his leather jacket and his Hellfire shirt. And we all wrote him a letter and dropped it in there to” he says and I hear he's tearing up

“I'm sorry Steve I didn't want to drag you down with me” I sob

“Sweetheart, I liked him too you know. We became good friends before the end. I miss him a lot, he was a good guy. And apparently a really good confidant to you...”

“What do you mean?” I sniffle

“Well... when we were out to get supplies we stole this RV from the trailer park”

“That was YOU driving that thing through town!” I say

“You saw us?” he chuckles a little “well anyway as he was hot-wiring it Robin said something a long the lines of her not loving the idea of him driving. He looked at her and he said, and I quote 'Oh I'm just starting the sucker, Harrington's got her, don't ya big-boy' no one but you have ever called me that” he winks at me and I do have to blush

“Yeah... he was a nosy one. Needed all the dirt” I say smiling at the memory of Eddie sitting on this bed bouncing waiting for me to tell him how my night with Steve had been. “I'm sorry I told him that part” I say smiling up at him

“Hey, I loved it when you called me that. I didn't mind if he knew. We talked about you, him and me. I think that's where we really bonded” he says and he kisses the top of my head.

I'm so tired I'm feeling dizzy, I lay my head down on Steve's chest again and I fall asleep.

I dream that night. But it's a weird dream. I dream of Eddies funeral, I dream of the songs they played, who was there, what was said. I dream about people waiting outside to call him a freak and a murderer. I wake up while it's still dark outside. I have to ask Steve about some of these details, maybe I just relived something my mind couldn't handle at the time it really happened. I look up at Steve, he's sound asleep arms still around me. He's growing on me... I think to myself, I don't want him to. But I can't help it I am falling for him, or well I fell a long time ago. Eddie knew it, I was just in denial. “Damn you Munson” I mutter under my breath, always knowing me better than I knew myself. I lay back down and I actually fall back to sleep hugging Steve.

I'm woken up by dads voice in the morning. I stretch and I feel that the bed is empty and I feel that surge of panic in the pit of my stomach. I look at dad

“He had to go to work honey. It's Monday you know. He promised to be back tonight if you wanted him to. You want something to eat?” he smiles at me

“I... can I think about it? I don't feel hungry right now. I need the bathroom and then I'll come down stairs” I say and he nods

“Of course honey, you come down when you feel like it. I'm working from home today since I had to be there all night on a Sunday” he walks out and I hear him head down the stairs. I sit up on the edge of the bed, it's so painful being alone again. I didn't think I'd ever cherish someone's presence like this after Eddie. But I need Steve, I need him to be here with me. I try to get out of bed but my legs don't want to cooperate today...

“DAD!” I cry out and I hear him come running

“What honey? Something wrong?” he looks worried

“My legs won't hold today... I think yesterday was too much too soon.” I cry feeling so bad he has to help me again. But he just helps me up, letting me lean on him in to the bathroom.

“Ok sweetheart, call for me when you're done and I'll help you dress ok?” he says

“I think I wanna stay in bed again dad” my tears falling again

“Whatever you need honey, I'm just happy to have you talk to me again. Anything else is just a bonus.” he closes the door and I do what I needed to come in here for then I call for him to help me back to bed.

“Dad, could you please close the blinds. I can't with the sun today” I whisper

“Sure honey, you rest. I'll be up with something to eat in a bit.” he kisses my forehead and leaves

The rest of the day is darkness again, relentless darkness threatening to take over. My mind can't deal so it shut me off. I hear dad, but for some reason my voice gets caught in my throat and I can once again only nod or shake my head. It seems apparent I need Steve around.

“Ok, sweetheart. I won't bother you more today. I see yesterday really did wear you out. You'll be better tomorrow you'll see. You want me to tell Steve to come over when he calls?” he asks and I nod, I manage to whisper a thank you to him. I have no idea if I've slept or not. I think I was back in my shut-off mode again. But the day turns to evening and suddenly I feel someone getting in to the bed beside me holding me close

“Hey there, bad day today huh? I'm sorry I made you go yesterday, didn't think it would effect you this bad” Steve's back. I sigh

“Thank you for coming back” I whisper

“Sweetie, I told you. I'll be here as often as you need me to. Well ok I need to work but other than that. If you want me to move in here with you until you feel ok on your own I'll do that” he's stroking my back hugging me tight

“You'd do that?” I ask

“Yeah me and Martin talked about that now before I came up here. Martin thinks my presence calms you. You've slept with me here, you didn't before. It was him asking me if I would do it if you wanted me to.”

I think about if, having Steve here all the time when he's not working. Did I want that? The honest truth was I couldn't think of a single reason that I didn't want that.

“Steve” I look up at him “would you please be here all the time? Until I feel better?” I say

“Of course I will. I'll go get some stuff at home tomorrow after work and then I'm all yours for as long as you need me” he smiles “But what is this I hear about you not eating anything all day? Could you please come down stairs and have dinner with us. You can't recover if you don't have any energy sweetheart” his voice is soft but stern at the same time

“Ok, but you'll have to help me. My legs won't hold me today” I say

“I'll carry you if I have to you know that” he smiles

“No need to strain your back there old man I can walk if I have someone to lean on”

“Oh old man huh? So there's that tease I've missed so much. I'll show you how much of an old man I am” he says and he lifts me up and puts me over his shoulder like I'm just a fucking towel he draped over himself. He carries me like this all the way to the kitchen, making me actually laugh for the first time in months. He puts me down at the kitchen table and tells me to sit. Dad looks at me

“That was the best sound I've heard in months now honey. Thank you Steve”

“No problem Martin, this one here called me an old man...needed to show her how young and spry I still am” he chuckles

“Oh God, if he's an old man sweetie what the hell does that make me?” dad laughs and I can't not laugh with him.

“Hey dad” I say as the laughter dies down “Steve's gonna be here for a while...like all the time”

“Yeah? Ok that's good honey I can tell you need him. I know you try with me but I can't fill that spot like Steve can.” he takes my hand “so dinner? I made a carbonara like your mum used to make it”

“Oh, mums carbonara” I say and I can feel that I am actually hungry “sounds amazing dad”

We have dinner, Steve tells us about the team and how he's seen lamp posts that are more coordinated than some of these kids. Dad is very amused

“Don't be mean to the uncoordinated, we do the best we can” he chuckles

“The only descent kid I have is Lucas, and he's not even fully there. He's in his own mind most of the time. Mike tried out, did I tell you?” he asks and we both shake our heads “Yeah that was probably the saddest attempt at basketball I have ever witnessed. He's doesn't have two left feet...hell if I didn't see 'em I'd sworn he has NO feet. Disaster from beginning to end” he says and dad roars with laughter

“Poor Mike” I say but I can't help but giggle

When dinner is over Steve helps me in to the living room. He turns on the TV for me as he goes back to help dad clean up. The news is on

“We're live from the sleepy town of Hawkins, Indiana. Where only a few months ago disaster struck. An earthquake demolished this small town, leaving it almost entirely in ruins. But now 4 months down the road the town is back. Rebuilt and coming back from the horrors leading up to disaster. The weeks before the earthquake this small town was shaken to it's core as three high school students were brutally murdered. Chrissy Cunningham, Fred Benson and Patrick McKinney all slaughtered viciously by an unknown attacker. At first thought to be the work of a fellow student Edward Munson” and the they showed his picture, plastered all over the TV. I can't hear anything else I just whimper when I'm face to face with him. Even if it's just his picture. I feel like I'm falling, falling into an abyss of darkness. I hear dad and Steve, like they're miles away but still close

“What happened sweetheart? Hey honey? Emma?” I feel him shake me, but it doesn't feel real somehow

“Fuck... Martin look at the TV”

“Oh no... I knew they were shooting some kind of special they called me and asked me if I would say a few words about Eddie. I told them to fuck off”

“Here let me take her upstairs” I feel I'm being lifted off the couch and carried to my bed. Then nothing else, just darkness again.

I come to, the veils in my mind lift as suddenly as they fell. I feel better, more awake. This is when I realize Steve's arms around me. He's spooning me close and I can feel he's been dreaming. The pit of my stomach does a flip. Even in the state I'm in my body has a mind of it's own. I want him, I really do. I move a little, I just want to feel it against me. I hear from his breathing Steve's waking up. He presses his hard-on against my ass, his hands grip my tits. My breathing is getting heavier. Fuck I want this, I want him THAT close to me. I start grinding my ass against his dick feeling it getting even harder. Steve moans then I hear a gasp, he moves away from me

“Sorry... I need to...ehmmm... pee” he says and gets up and goes in to the bathroom. He's gone about 5 minutes. That pit in my stomach...yeah it falls out through my feet, down through the floor and doesn't stop until it fucking hits dirt under the house. So ok, I've become undesirable to him now? That's just great, I fall for him and he loses interest. Just like I thought it would be, “didn't I fucking tell you Munson?” I mutter out into the empty room.

“Did you say something?” Steve's back and he gets in tot he bed again.

“Nah, nothing important” I mumble

“You're feeling better?” he hugs me and I just want to tell him to fuck off but at the same time I know I need him.

“Well... I don't know how I'm feeling right this instant. I mean he was on the fucking TV last night Steve.”

“Ehmmm... Sweetheart that was a week ago, it's Sunday” I hear him say, I turn to him staring in to his eyes. He's got to be kidding?

“A week? I've been...shut off again for a week?” Steve just nods at me with a sad smile

“I've been here as soon as I got off from work, your dad's been taking time off to be here during the day. This was almost worse than before, we haven't even gotten you out of bed this time. I've carried you to the bathroom every evening and given you a bath. We've tried to get you to take fluids at least. Sweetheart I need you to talk to me, talk to someone this can't go on.” he's crying now

He's been giving me a bath every evening? No wonder he's put off by me... That would kill any flame that might have been flickering in him. I hang my head, I know he's right. I need to try to get through this. I will see his photo again, I will hear his name. I can't keep shutting down every time. It will kill me and I can't do that to dad, I just can't.

“Ok... I'll talk to someone. Not the ass that was here before though...find me someone else please” I say and Steve smiles through his tears.

“I'll find you as many people as I can until you find the right one. I promise” he pulls me in close to his chest and I draw a deep breath taking in the scent that is Steve. God this is so bad but yet feels so good. So a long as I keep it friendly I get to have him close. I'll learn to live with it, I've done it before. The one sided love is my thing...

“What time is it?”

“It's 10 am, why?” he says stroking my back

“I want to visit him”

“Are you sure that's a good idea, I mean this close to an...episode?” he's worried and I get that

“I don't think there will ever be a good time Steve, please”

“Fine...” he sighs “We'll get you up and in some clothes, get something to eat and then we''ll see how you feel. Ok?”

“Steve?”

“Yeah?” he says

“You really are the greatest you know that right? I know I haven't said it much and I sure don't show it but I do think you are” I look at him as he helps me get up in to a sitting position on the edge of the bed

“I... thank you Em. I would do anything for you, anything to make you feel better” he leans in and gives me a soft kiss. I want to cry, why does he have to do this. I know he didn't use the bathroom to pee before... it took too long. He was...helping himself deal with the situation in his pants. The thing he apparently doesn't want me to do for him. I draw a deep breath and I pull away from him

“Ok so clothes please” he looks like I hurt his feelings but he says nothing

“Sweats and a t-shirt ok?” he asks and I nod

“Comfy is the key here Steve” I say and he has to give me a quick smile. He helps me get dressed and get me down to the kitchen. “Where's dad?” I ask

“I think he had to go in to the office today, seeing as I'm here now and he can leave” Steve says as he makes me a sandwich and a cup of tea. I eat half the sandwich promising Steve to finish it when we get back. He gets me my jacket and my shoes and we go out to the car. It's a short drive from our house to the cemetery. Steve helps me out of the car and we walk towards the newer graves in the area. I see it before he can point it out. Someone's scribbled “FREAK” on the back of it with red paint.

“Still?” I say my voice a low growl

“Yeah... Some people will never change. We removed it in the beginning, now we just leave it.” he says and sighs

We round the headstone and I read

Here lies

EDDIE MUNSON

Beloved friend and son

*1966 +1986

Graduated with honour

I stare at the words as tears start falling quietly down my face

“Steve, could you please leave me for a while. I'll wave for you when you can come back?”

“Of course” he says puts a hand on the stone and I hear him whisper “I told you I'd get her to come visit man” then he walks over to a bench a bit away from me leaving me in front of Eddies grave. I manage to sit down on the ground in front of the stone. I put my hand on it

“Hey Ed, sorry it took so long. But you leaving me like that fucked me up, like real bad. I miss you so much sometimes I shut down. I've had one of those weeks now. Been completely out. No contact. Why the hell did you have to be a hero huh? I told you to not try and be one... but you never did listen to me did you? Feels so weird sitting here talking to you like this, I mean I know you're not down there. You're stuck in some alternate reality, probably waiting for someone to find you and bring you home. I'm going to try Ed, I promise. I think I can get Dustin to help, he looked like he thought of the same thing. We're going to find you Ed, find you and give you your actual final resting place, not that crappy piece of dirt in front of that trailer where Dustin had to leave you. I promise!

Then there's Steve... I know I told you I wouldn't, but I did fall for him. Just like you said I would if I gave him a chance, but I was right to you know. I fell for him and now he has no interest in me any more. Guess I finally won an argument with you freak. Fucking hell man, I miss your voice and your smile. There's this ache inside of me all the time. I saw you on the news a week ago, that's what triggered me shutting down. Steve thinks I need to talk to someone about you, but you know what. This, sitting here talking to you makes me feel better. Maybe you can be my therapist? I'll come here once a week and spill my mind to you? I know for a fact you won't tell anyone...” I sit there talking to him like he's still with me, pouring my heart out to a headstone in a cemetery. When I feel like I have nothing more to tell Eddie I turn and I wave to Steve. He comes up to me

“You feel ok? You've been sitting here touching his stone for quite a while now” he sounds so concerned

“You know what Steve, I needed this. I've been talking to him, telling him all the things that's been going on. I feel better Steve. I promise I do. Thank you for agreeing to take me here. Please help me up” I say and I hold out my hand. Steve takes it and carefully helps me to my feet. I wrap my arms around him and I kiss him. His fucking feelings be damned I think. At first he's just tense like a string on a guitar, then he relaxes and I actually feel him kissing me back. His hand sliding up my back to my neck. It's a long kiss and as we finally pull apart I whisper “well...if Eddie's somewhere looking down right now you better believe the fucker's cheering” Steve chuckles

“I bet... If that's what I get for taking you here I think we need to go at least once a day” he smirks. He takes my hand “you ready to leave, it's getting a bit chilly” I nod. As we walk past the stone he places a hand on it “see you later man, I'll be back. Like always” he fist bumps the stone and we walk to the car

“As always?”

“I stop by every day... Telling him how you're doing” he looks at me and my heart fills to the brim with undeniable love for this man

“I... you do that? Why?” I want to tell him right now how I feel, but I can't bring myself to ruin this

“Well... you haven't been able to. Someone needs to keep him in the loop, he loved you you know. Very much and he'd want to know how you're doing”

“I loved him I mean I still do, I think maybe a little too much even. Steve... I...”

“It's ok, he was my friend too you know. I never thought I'd like Munson, he was so different from me. But he was the sweetest soul I think I've ever met. The way his eyes lit up when he talked about you, sometimes it sounded like a sales pitch” he chuckles “and sometimes just the purest love”

“Don't you ever want to go back and try to find him and bring him home?” I need to ask

“Go back there? I mean for him, if I knew we could find him, and that there was anything to actually bring home. Maybe I might... But I don't think there is a way back now we killed Vecna. There's been no sign of the upside down since then, and Will's always been hyper sensitive to anything coming out of there. But since that day nothing, not even a tingle he says” Steve looks at me “NO! No fucking way Em, I can see what you're thinking. We're NOT trying to find a way in, especially not you in this state, you'd be the first to perish in there if something's still around” he stares me down

“Fine, I wouldn't know where to even begin looking so... I just can't deal with the thought of him all alone there.” I tear up Steve takes me in his arms

“I know sweetheart, I get that none of us want to think of that. But he isn't alone really. All the other's Vecna took are in there with him. Max saw them all. I know that's no comfort, not even a little bit. But still his body isn't the only one buried in there” Steve hugs me tight

“You suck at this” I smirk “but I didn't know that. It makes him seem a little less alone. Can we go home now? Get in to bed and hug for a bit?” I say

“Of course we can. You really do seem like you feel better Em. I didn't think talking to Eddie this way would do you any good. I'm sorry” he opens the car door for me and I get in, he walks around the car getting in the drivers seat

“Yeah, I didn't think talking to that stone would make any difference either. But... I felt like he was there listening to me. Sounds delusional I know but hey...if it helps right?” I say

“Absolutely, anything helping you I'm all for. Even if it's driving you to the cemetery to talk to a grave once a week or once a day. I'm here for you” he takes my hand and gives it a kiss as he drives us back home again. At this moment I feel like I could tell him and maybe, just maybe he'd feel the same. Then I think of this morning and my mind goes full stop, no point telling him he'd just walk away. Keep him close as a friend and love him regardless.

We snuggle down in bed after Steve gets me to eat the other half of the sandwich like I promised. He wraps his arms around me and I nuzzle into his chest. I drift off almost immediately, dreaming of the funeral again. I see myself writing on a piece of paper

“You LIED to me you fucking asshole. You said you'd be back. I HATE YOU!” and then I see myself throwing that piece of paper in the coffin alongside a whole bunch of similar papers. I wake up to my own sobs Steve worried sick trying to wake me up

“Emma, God what's wrong? What happened, we dozed off and I wake up to find you like this?”

“Steve... Did I write a letter to Eddie and put in his coffin? DID I?” I raise my voice in the end

“Yes, we didn't think you'd be able to or if you even took in what we asked you. But you scribbled something on a piece of paper and put it in. Why?”

“Did they play 'Master of puppets' at the service? Was his dad allowed time from jail so he could attend?” I ask

“Yeah... you remember the funeral?” he sounds confused

“I didn't before... I dreamt of it after you told me that it happened. Like my brain kept it from me until it felt safe to remember it. I know what I wrote Steve and I feel fucking awful” I cry again

“What sweetie, what did you write?” he's rubbing my arms kissing my head repeatedly

“I wrote that he lied to me, that he was an asshole and that I hated him... Steve I don't hate him how could I write that?” I sob

“You were so angry in the beginning. You don't remember? You had your calm days where all you did was strum on the guitar and look out the window. Other days you destroyed anything in your path. Haven't you noticed the mirror in here is gone, and all your breakable things?” I look around and I realize he's right

“I...broke them?” I ask

“Yeah... you threw them at me, at your dad, at Nancy, Dustin anyone daring to even try to mention his name. We thought for sure you'd trash the funeral home at the service. But you just shut off and barley existed during that whole time. That's why we were surprised you tried to write anything at all to him”

“How did you all tolerate me? How are you all even still around? How can you be...this good to me if I was like that to you?”

“Eddie wasn't the only one who loved you and calls you their friend Emma. We're all still around because we care about you. We even had Eleven try to get through to you once but you told her to fuck off and she didn't dare try again” he chuckles

“I did that? She was in my head and I told her to fuck off... oh my god I need to apologize to her. I like her... I didn't mean to” I feel like I'm about to panic, this is too much. I thought I was just...existing not doing anything. Seems I was wrong, it makes it so much more obvious why Steve wouldn't want anything to do with me like that any more. “I must have been a grade A bitch to you all?”

“Well... sometimes yeah. But you never insulted us at least. Probably because you never ever said a word to anyone. You just stared us down and threw things at us” he gives me a smile

“I can never take it back, and I can never make it right. But I am so sorry Steve. More than you'll ever know”

“Sweetheart, you were in so much pain, none of us could ever understand how much really. I didn't take it as an attack on me, I took it as a way to deal with the pain. I'm still here aren't I? If I took it to heart I'd be long gone, I think we all would.” he kisses my forehead and looks me deep in the eyes “I promise you I am not hurt ok?” then he kisses me for real, a deep emotional kiss “OK?”

“Ok... I believe you. But I still want to apologize to the rest of them” I say with a small voice

“Sure, we can go see Max if you want? I bet the majority of them are there. It's still kind of early. The visiting hours aren't over until 7.” Steve looks at me

“I would like that. Do I need to change maybe?” I say and Steve gives a small laugh

“Well considering you have some of the Hawkins cemetery plastered to your ass I'd say it's up to you”

“I what?” I pull my sweats off turning them over. On the ass I have a big dirt stain from sitting on the ground for 30 minutes talking to Eddie. “Aha... well ok then new pants it is” I say and I crawl over Steve making me straddle him for a second. I hear him moan and whisper under his breath

“Em... please what are you doing?” his hands have stopped me moving away by grabbing a hold on my hips pulling me in close to him.

“I was getting out of bed Steve... what are you doing?” I feel breathless

“I... I don't know...”

“Then don't think, just do Steve...” I whisper and I kiss him. His hands move on their own now, grabbing my ass pressing me in to his jeans. I moan and I sit up pulling my shirt over my head freeing my tits “please Steve... touch me” I whimper

“You sure? I mean... I don't want to make you feel bad in any way”

“Steve...we've done this before there's no way you can make me feel bad” he grabs my waist and spins me around on the bed so I end up on my back. He's all over me kissing me touching me. With almost a desperate side to him. His kisses trail down my body until they reach my inner thighs, then he sits up slightly grabs the waistband of my panties and rips them apart. I gasp, so forceful? He looks down at me

“So god damn perfect...” he growls and he plunges his face in between my thighs letting his tongue slide from my entrance all the way up my folds to my clit. He licks and sucks so desperately. Like he thinks he's never going to get the chance again. I feel him slide a finger in me finding the soft spongy part inside of me that makes my world spin.

“Fuck Steve... I'ma cum...” I groan, fuck I forgot how good this feels, how good he is at this. He hums his approval at my clit making such awesome vibrations sending me straight over the edge. I scream as the orgasm hits me like ton of bricks. As I'm panting trying to get my head back on straight Steve undresses faster than my brain can register. He's SO ready to go, pumping his massive dick with his hand

“I don't have a rubber Em... can I come on your tits?” he purrs at me

“Right now?” I ask feeling a little snubbed

“No... need to fuck you first” he murmurs staring at my pussy

“Then come on my tits all you want” I say and I raise my legs and put them on his shoulders. He lets out a deep growl as he positions the tip of his cock at my entrance and slides in through the wetness.

“Fuuuuuck Em, I've been dreaming of this ever since last time” he makes long deep thrusts after staying still for a moment letting me adjust to his size

“What the hell took you so long getting back in there then” I pant

“I'm a fucking moron” he growls as he picks up the pace holding my legs high kissing my ankles as he fucks me “fuuuuck close now...wanna sit up for me” he groans and pulls out rapidly. I let my legs fall to his sides and I sit up pressing my tits up against his balls. He moans a deep coarse sound as he paints my chest with his warm seed. Squirt after squirt hits my tits and I just stare at this amazingly handsome man towering over me dick in hand making the most delicious sounds ever. As he descends from his high he looks down at me

“Hey...” he smiles a warm smile at me

“Well hey yourself” I say as I drop my tits down to their natural place. “Cum here often?” I giggle

“Not as often as I would have liked to” he says leans down and kisses me. “Shower? Then hospital?” he mumbles into the kiss

“Well... I don't think I should go there trying to apologize covered in your cum. Might give the wrong impression” I smile

“Very true, so go a head ladies first” he says

“I think the ladies legs might need a minute, so you go first and I'll try to wake myself up so I don't fall over” I say and he nods and gets out of bed. I feel... happy... haven't felt that feeling in a long time. Granted it's “just” an orgasm happy but still, small wins I think. Steve comes out of the shower, looking like a million bucks only wearing towel around his waist.

“How are the legs? Up for the challenge or do you need help?” he holds out his hand. I take it and stand up, feeling a little wobbly but not too bad. He eyes my naked body “wow” he sighs “sorry 'bout the panties” he smiles

“No worries, I have more than one pair. Don't do it every time though then I might need to start shopping” I giggle and he turns quiet and serious

“Not sure this was a good idea Em... I mean I really liked don't get me wrong but”

“Sure... I get it. Occasional hook-up, don't mention it. I take back that joke, apparently not appropriate” I say and head in to the bathroom locking the door behind me. I step in to the shower and I let the warm water wash away the shame and the tears burning a hole on the inside. When will I ever learn? I get out, feeling somewhat better. I look in the mirror... Get a fucking grip you knew this was coming, you knew it a year ago. Don't be a fool. I lecture my reflection and I curse Eddie for putting ideas in my head about Steve maybe liking me back. I look up at the ceiling “See you freak... I was fucking right all along” I take a deep breath and I unlock the door. Steve's gone, I hear him down in the kitchen. Probably heating up some food for us before we leave for the hospital. I get dressed, and I try to make my way down on my own. I get halfway down the stairs and I have to sit down. The room is spinning. I sit there when Steve comes out probably to check if I'm done in the shower

“What the hell Em, you should have called for me. You ok?” he hurries up to me

“Yeah I'm fine, besides I might need to learn to do this on my own at some point right? You're not gonna be around forever” I can hear my voice sounding a bit more frosty than I meant it to.

“Oh... Well I guess not. But I am here now you know” he takes my hand and it feels like it's burning my skin. I can't help my reaction I flinch slightly as he touches me. His eyes look sad and he takes a deep breath “Ok, up” he says to me and helps me to my feet “I've made some food. Thought we might need some energy before heading out again” he glances over at my face and I nod

“You're probably right. Thanks” I say. We eat in silence, I don't know what to say to him that's not going to trigger another bad or weird reaction. I thank him for dinner and I go to get my shoes and jacket on as he clears the plates. We head over to the hospital, also in silence. We get there and this time there's more of them here. I see Eleven first thing as I enter. I go straight up to her and give her a long hug

“I'm so sorry El, I never meant to say that to you. Not in my mind or any other time” she smiles at me

“I know that Emma... But you're a scary girl when you're angry and I've blown up Vecna” she giggles I smile at her then I turn to the rest of them

“I want to apologize to all of you. Steve told me I was...angry in the beginning. I had no idea. I think my mind has hidden things from me it doesn't think I need to deal with just yet. Just trust me when I say I didn't mean any of the angry looks or the throwing things at you”

“We know Em, we know. Anger is a part of it, you don't think I've been furious with myself for letting him go alone? I've been drowning in self loathing, but it doesn't change a thing. He's not coming back and there is no good in hating myself, he made his decision. He was fully intent on coming back to you I know that. He just... wanted to help them” Dustin motions towards Steve, Robin and Nancy who are huddled in the corner watching me

“I went to see his grave... It's beautiful, I talked to him. Made me feel better, I got to tell him off for leaving me. Thank you for not giving up on me... on us” I look over at Max “for not giving up on us” I hug Dustin and I whisper in his ear “meet me tomorrow at the cemetery please” He hugs me back and I feel him give a little nod.

I sit there next to Max's bed talking to her for a while, telling her about the conversation I had with Eddie. I know all the others are listening to me but I don't care. I'm talking to Max, not them. As I get up to leave I feel the whole room spin and I pass out.

When I come back again there's full chaos. They're all trying to help, there's a nurse and a doctor hovering over me. I'm lifted up by Steve and put on a bed that's been rolled in to the room. Everyone is talking over each other. I try to take Steve's hand, he looks down at me tears in his eyes

“Hey...you're awake...”

“Can you...make them quieter?” I whisper

“HEY!” the room falls quiet “she's awake. Keep it down please” he says in a low voice

The doctor looks at me

“Ms Lundberg, I'm Doctor Williams. Can I ask you, has the room been spinning lately? You feel like you might pass out?”

I nod “Yeah, a couple of times.” I admit

“Well, your blood pressure is dangerously low. And your blood sugar levels are also lower than I would like to see. You need to start getting out moving your body on a more regular basis. And you need to start eating, proper meals. Begin with maybe 5 or 6 small meals throughout the day. This isn't good for your recovery. Your friends have told me about the resent struggles in your life.” he says “I would like to give you the number of a friend of mine that's a good therapist, specializing in trauma. Also I will be filling a prescription for a low dose anti anxiety medication, it might help getting you out of bed and moving around more. Take short walks around the house. Are you ok with this Ms Lundberg?”

“Ehm, yes sir I am. Thank you” I say, not knowing what else to say. He seems friendly and willing to help me. I need, if not for anything else but for dad, try to accept help given to me. I know this and somewhere inside of me Eddie's voice is telling me to get his weirdo back in shape. Steve's standing next to me holding my hand listening to the doctor, nodding along to the information.

“Maybe you can get your boyfriend here to help you take one longer walk a week” the doctor says looking at Steve

“I'm not...” “He's not” we say in chorus

“Oh, I'm sorry. You just seemed so close” the doctor gives us an apologetic smile

“It's ok doc. It's just not the case” Steve says without so much as a look at me and my heart drops. He can't be making things any more clear can he? I make up my mind here and now. I need to talk to Dustin tomorrow and get the ball rolling. The doctor gives me some further instructions, tells me that I can get my prescription by tomorrow morning, then him and the nurse leaves.

“Can you drive me home now Steve?” I say

“Of course Em.” he smiles at me “I'll go get the car closer to the entrance then I'll be back to get you , ok?”

“Sounds like a good idea.” I smile back at him but the smile isn't reaching my eyes I can tell by the way Robin and Nancy look at me. I sit up in the bed and I look at Steve's back as he leaves. The two girls come up to me and sit down on either side of me

“Ok, what is this? Something's happening with the two of you. C'mon spill” Robin says

“I...” I contemplate lying to them just to be left alone, then I change my mind “I fucking love him ok... But like I told Eddie last year as soon as I develop feelings I become uninteresting to the other part. So now I'm...nothing to him”

“You're not nothing to him Emma, do you think he'd stay with you like he does if you were?” Nancy looks at me

“Ok, maybe not nothing. But I'm not what I want to be to him ok. I'll be fine being his friend if he could keep it friendly ALL the time. But then he goes and does that crap he did this afternoon and everything's worse again...” I sigh

“What? What did he do? Do I need to kick his ass? Because I will!” Robin says

“Nah, that sounded worse than it was. We... you know...” I blush “this afternoon after I visited Ed and before we came here. I thought that maybe... maybe I meant more to him than just a friend. But as soon as we were done he regretted it and said it was a bad idea. So, yeah... I'm fucked. In the bad way” tears threaten to spill over. I can tell the two girls are looking at each other over my head

“You sure he doesn't feel the same? Have you actually asked him Emma? Talked about this with HIM?” Nancy takes my hand

“I can't deal Nance, my mind can't handle the actual rejection ok. This afternoon threw me for a loop and almost made me spiral again. I don't wanna dig deeper into it. I just need to find a level ground with him. But then he does or says these wonderful things and my heart melts for him.” I give them a smile “Eddie did tell me I would fall in love with Steve if I gave him a chance. I hate that he was right... but then again I was right to when I told him that by the time I would love Steve he'd lose interest in me. I never won an argument with him when he lived...guess I had to wait for him to...” I can't form the word “before I could win one” Robin hugs me tight

“Don't give up on Steve, that dingus has always been slow” she giggles

“I think there are things in this he isn't sharing with you Emma. I'll do some discrete digging in this. See if I'm right in my suspicions. But I agree with Rob, don't give up on him” Nancy smiles at me

“Ok, I guess. I'm just...so broken. I can't handle this crap” I sigh and they tell me they understand. We sit there in silence until Steve gets back and helps me down to the car. He drives me home and helps me inside.

“So living room or bed?” he asks

“Been a long day Steve, I think bed” I say. He helps me up the stairs in to the bathroom where I get ready for bed. I go out and I crawl down under the covers. Fully expecting him to come join me like every night. He stands there looking at me

“Ehmmm... I need to go Em” he sighs

“What? You're not...staying with me?” my voice is barely there

“I'm sorry... I can't tonight. I'll be back tomorrow, I promise.” he looks uncomfortable where he's standing looking at the floor not me

“Steve... Do you have a date or what?” I ask not really wanting to know the answer. He just looks up at me with a sad expression on his face “Oh... Ok say no more. I'll be alright then. Have fun, close the door when you leave” I say and I turn to face the window.

“I'm... sorry” I hear him whisper then the door closes and he's gone. So fucking much for being here for me as long as I needed him I think. Feeling both angry, heartbroken and sad I start crying, heart wrenching sobs that I can't control. I feel the darkness creeping in around me, threatening to make me spiral out of reality again. NO! Hell no, I'm not going to let another guy push me in to that place. It was bad enough Eddie had to be a fucking hero and destroy me in the process. I am not going to let Steve destroy me as well. I take a deep breath and I sit up in the bed. I look around, what can I do to keep my mind occupied? I see Eddies guitar leaning against the wall. I get out of bed and I sit in my chair in front of the window and I take the guitar and I play. I play every cheesy love song I can think of and I sing. I sing to myself, I sing to Steve and I sing to Eddie. The last song I play is the one slow song I know Eddie secretly loved. “Forever Young” by Alphaville. I know he loved it because every time it came on the radio I could see him singing along to the lyrics, he'd never admit it though.

“Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while

Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies

Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst

Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?

Let us die young or let us live forever

We don't have the power, but we never say never

Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip

The music's for the sad man

Can you imagine when this race is won?

Turn our golden the faces into the sun

Praising our leaders, we're getting in tune

The music's played by the, the madman

Forever young

I want to be forever young

Do you really want to live forever?

Forever, and ever”

Tears falling down my face I sing and play his guitar, thinking back at all the times I teased him for knowing every word to this song

“Eddie... I Love you so much” I say out loud into the darkness outside my window. The guitar falls out of my hands and hit the floor as I cry for Eddie, I cry for Max and most of all I cry for the love I have for Steve that's never going to happen. I don't know how long I've been crying when I hear dad come in to my room, kneeling beside me

“Honey? What's wrong? What happened today?” he's stroking my back trying to get me to answer but I can't I just cry and cry. He picks me up and sits down in the chair putting me in his lap like he did when I was little, rocking me stroking my hair telling me all will be ok at some point. We sit there for I don't know how long. The crying won't stop until there are no more tears left in me I feel completely drained. Dad gets up and puts me down on my bed, pulling the covers over me. He kisses my forehead and whispers “please try to rest honey, we can talk in the morning” I manage a small nod at him then I close my eyes and drift off into a deep dreamless sleep, my body and my mind too exhausted to care if I'm alone or not.

When I wake up it's 7 am. I feel...different. Like I'm ok, or well ok-ish. Like that last night was the breaking point. I sit up and I decide that today is the day I start dealing with this shit that is life. If he can move on that easily so can I. Why love a man that won't ever love me back? I try to get out of bed, it's working today. I get to bathroom all on my own. I shower and I get dressed. I need to go shopping, this won't do. I look down at myself. Every piece of clothing I own is ill fitted these days, everything is baggy. I take a deep breath and I begin to tackle the stairs, I feel like such a rock star when I manage to get downstairs without having to call for help. Dad's in the kitchen reading the newspaper, he looks up when I enter

“Honey? Did you get ready and get down here all on your own or has Steve come in without me noticing?” he says

“All on my very own, I don't think Steve will be here until later, if at all” I say and he looks at me confused

“What? I thought he came back after I went to sleep... He said he had to go home for a bit before I came up to your room last night” dad says and now I'm the one confused

“He left long before that dad” I say

“No, we sat on the stairs listening to you sing up there. Then when you stopped and...well told Eddie you love him, that's when Steve said he needed to go home but that he'd be back” I came up maybe 10 minutes later

“But I was singing for like what an hour? It was like 30 minutes from him leaving until I began singing. You mean to tell me he sat on the stairs... all that time?” my mind isn't getting this

“Well I guess, I came home maybe 10 minutes before we heard you start to sing. He was still here then at least. Why...what happened sweetheart?” dad says

“Did he tell you what happened at the hospital?”

“Yes he did, good that it happened there and not anywhere else. I mean not good...you know. So? Are you going to call that therapist or?” dad looks at me

“Yeah I actually think I will. I promised Steve I'd talk to someone, so I guess I'll begin by giving this one a go first” I say and I feel I mean it. I am going to call

“That's good sweetheart, but talking of Steve...honey...”

“I don't know dad. I thought he might feel about me the way I feel about him... but no he doesn't. He had a date last night...or so he told me. That's what happened last night. It all came crumbling down. But that crying dad, it... helped. I feel more sane and put together today than I have since before Eddie died” this was the first time I said the word out loud and it didn't make me sick to my stomach uttering them. Dad knows this and he looks at me waiting for the break

“I'm ok dad, he died...and I need to be able to say that and accept it. Step one is to call that therapist. But first I also needed to start eating the doc told me. 5 or 6 small meals a day. But real food not like sandwiches and things like that. So... does oatmeal count as food you think? I actually feel like eating that”

Dad is just staring at me, I get it. The difference between yesterday and today is so apparent a blind person could see it.

“Yeah I mean oatmeal is most likely considered food. At least a breakfast food. I can make you some if you'd like?” dad says

“Thanks that would be great, I'm going to find the note with the telephone number on it and make that call before I change my mind” I say and I go look for my jacket. I find the card with the number on it and I head in to dads office to have some privacy. I dial the number

“This is Doctor Carter” a very warm female voice answers

“Hello, my name is Emma Lundberg. I got this number yesterday from Doctor Williams at Hawkins memorial. I had a bit of an incident there yesterday and he thought I might want to talk to you” I say thinking this is the only way I could explain it

“Yes, hello Emma. He did call me yesterday telling me he met you. He gave me a short backstory to see if I thought I might be able to help. But that is not the way I would put it, I would like to know if YOU think coming to talk to me would help you” she's already 100 times better than the ass they sent here before.

“I think I am ready to try and accept help yes.” I say

“That sounds good Emma, I like that you put it that way. I have an appointment available tomorrow at 2, would that work for you? Better start as soon as possible I say” she sounds very calm and friendly

“Tomorrow at 2? Ok, that works for me. What's the address?” she tells me where to go and we hang up. I get back to the kitchen dad's setting the table for us

“Mind if I eat with you? I'm heading in to the office in about 20 minutes.” he says as he serves the oatmeal he made in a small bowl for me

“Sure dad, of course why would you need to ask?” I smile “So I have an appointment with doctor Carter tomorrow at 2. I'll see if Nancy might be able to drive me, I think she said she only has work until 1 on Tuesdays.” I tell dad and he smiles

“Wow that was fast, so how did he or she sound?”

“She... she sounded calm and friendly. Understanding, I think she might be a good pick” I say as I eat

“Amazing sweetheart! Well if Nancy can't drive you then I can take a late lunch and come home to drive you there if someone might be able to come pick you up when you're done. You can tell me tonight what arrangements you make. But sorry I have to leave now, I'll deal with cleaning up when I get home. Just remember to eat more today. Steve told me about the food thing last night so I made 4 smaller containers with food that are in the fridge for you to heat up during the day. Then we'll have dinner when I get home tonight. Sound ok?” he kisses my cheek

“Awesome dad, thank you” I say. Dad leaves and I sit there thinking for a while. Then I get up from the table and I clean up after us. Why would he have to do that when he gets home, I can do it. So what else was there? I think. Small walks around the house, use my body more. I put my shoes on and I take my jacket. I know the doctor might have meant me walking inside, like around the living room but I want fresh air. I make it two times around the house before I feel I need to sit down for a bit. It's sunny and quite warm out today so I sit down on the stairs looking out over the street. So much time has passed but it still feels like no time passed. I'm just waiting to hear that god-awful sound Eddies beat up old van made as he took the last bend in the road up here. I laugh, fuck I hated that van, but he loved it. If I knew I could make it I would walk to the cemetery to talk to him. I feel like I'm about to cry, but I think I ran out of tears all I can manage is a dry sob. I look up at the sun.

“Yeah... If I knew where that old hunk of junk was now I'd buy it and get that damn license so I could fix her up and keep the spirit going Ed” I say up to the clouds. I hear a car honk and I look out in to the street. I see a car pull in, I don't recognise it. But I do know the guy in it!

“Gareth! Oh my god HI!” I get up from the stairs and head over to the car. He gets out and we hug “How are you man? How's school?”

“Hey Em, schools...empty without you guys” he says

“Yeah I always was the light of that place wasn't I?” I smile “You wanna come in? I've just been out for a walk”

“Nah, I was heading back to school and I saw you. Thought I'd stop and say hello. Maybe some other day?” he says and I have an idea

“Could I get a ride to the cemetery please? I was just sitting here thinking I'd like to go see Eddie... But I can't really walk that far yet” I say, I assume everyone knows how bad off I'd been

“Yeah... sure. I was there yesterday, I tell him my ideas for campaigns.” he gives me a sad smile

“I bet he loves that wherever he is. He probably as a lot of opinions too” I smile back at him

“Probably” he chuckles

“I'll just get my keys and I need to leave a note. Be right back” I say and I head inside. I write a note and leave on the table right as you enter.

“Hey, got a ride with Gareth to see Ed, please come pick me up -Em”

I know Steve might check in on me at lunch. That's like 2,5 hours from now. Otherwise I'll just ask someone I see at the cemetery for a ride home. I lock the door and join Gareth in the car.

“Thanks for this man, I need to sort out my own license. But you know...been a bit off lately” I say

“Yeah...we've all heard. We're so sorry Em, you feeling better now or is it like a day by day thing?” he asks as we drive off

“I feel better actually. I think I hit a breaking point yesterday evening. Woke up today and decided that I need to start dealing with this shitty existence. Me being crappy isn't helping anyone. So... Hellfire still up and running then I guess? Since you said to talk to Ed about campaigns.” I look at him

“Yeah... We're still going...well not strong but we're ok. If you feel like it we still play in the same place every Thursday at 6.” he says

“You know what Gareth, I think I might actually join you some time. I miss you guys” when I say it I feel that it's true. I do miss Hellfire and I do miss the guys in it. “So who's in it besides you? I guess Mike, Dustin and Lucas are still in?��

“Yeah, I took dm when you guys...weren't around any more. So it's us 4 then Will joined when they moved back, also Erica is a member now. Then there's this kid called Elias that Erica brought. He's decent. But we do miss you guys” he says

He stops the car at the gates to the cemetery, I get out and thank him for the ride. Promising him to come to a Hellfire game soon. I start walking the path towards Eddies grave. Someone's there already, I look at the time. But? It's a school day it can't be...

“Hey Dustin, why aren't you in school?” I say as I get there

“Oh, hey. Free period. I come here when I have 'em. Hoped I'd see you here today, since you said that thing at the hospital yesterday” he says “wanna sit?” he has a blanket on the ground and he moves over making room for me

“Thanks... Hey Ed” I say and I pet the stone in front of me

“So... am I right in thinking you wanna try to find him?” I hear Dustin say the second I sit down

“Right to the point Henderson I appreciate that. Yeah... I can't fucking stand the idea of him spending eternity stuck there. I just can't, but Steve won't help me, I'm guessing neither will Rob or Nance. So either I do this alone or...”

“Hell no, I'll help. Can't stand that I had to leave him... I owe it to him to get him out” a tear falls from his eyes

“So how do we do this? Have you got any clue if there are any gates still around?” I sit and look at the headstone with his name in bold letters

“The lake one isn't an option, neither is the one under the lab. Don't think that one even exists any more. The best thing would be if the one where the trailer park was is still around. We'd be coming in at the right spot. He...died right there” Dustin struggles getting the word out just like I did.

“Dustin... Can you tell me his last words? I've been wanting to ask but I couldn't get myself to do it” I say. Dustin's eyes fill with tears and he stares at the headstone in front of us for a minute or so before he starts talking

“I sat there holding him, he was bleeding so bad Emma. You could barely make out the words. But he said 'I didn't run away this time right?' I told him no he didn't. Then he told me I had to look after the little sheep for him. Then he said 'I think I'm actually gonna graduate, I think this is my year Henderson, it's finally my year. I love you man' then he stopped breathing” Dustin is crying now

“That's beautiful Dustin... So he died being him at least” I say

“Yeah he died smiling at me” he sobs

I sit there holding Dustin as he cries out his pain “I'm sorry I asked you to tell me...” I whisper feeling bad I made his day so much worse

“No, it's ok. I need to let it out is what mum tells me. But I want to get him Emma...he can't stay there he just can't” he looks at me

“I couldn't agree more Henderson, I couldn't agree more” I say. I look at my watch “I like sitting here with you but I think you might need to get back to school am I right?” I say

“Yeah you're right. Can I come over this weekend? We can...make plans” he asks as he gets up

“Sure, I'll be there. Wait you'll need your blanket” I say and attempt to get up

“Nah, I'll get it this weekend. You stay here with him a while” he says and walks away

I watch him go and then I turn my attention to the stone

“Hear that Ed, you're so loved. Bet you didn't expect that huh? Not bad for the resident freak. So we're coming to get you, you heard that right? I don't know when but soon I hope. I'll start taking this walking thing real serious and train more and more every day so I'll have the strength when the day comes. Can't really ask Steve or any of the other s to drive us... Sorry I'm yelling at you about Steve... But I DID tell you this would happen, fucker's gone and started dating. Yeah...so we did it again after we visited you last time. Then he was real quick with the regret...but I love him man. Can't help it... If you're around somehow...would you help me? Send me someone else to obsess about or I don't know make me forget Steve.” as I'm talking I'm stroking the cold stone “and I never ever meant what I wrote on that note you know that right? I was just so hurt you left me like this. We we're moving to Sweden together for fucks sake... Now what am I going to do? Can't bring you with me like this...” the tears I thought were all dried up start trickling down my face “Why the hell did you have to go and get yourself killed Ed? What was the point? How am I going to do any of this shit without my freak?” I hear footsteps in the gravel behind me then someone sits down next to me and puts their arm around me. I needn't look I can tell by the scent it's Steve. I take a deep breath and enjoy his smell, there's no denying it I'm screwed.

“Hey” I say

“Hey Em... Eddie man” he fist bumps the stone “saw the note, how's the talk been today?”

“Good...it's been good. He's a better listener dead...” I say and I hear Steve gasp

“Yeah...decided I need to start saying it out loud. Hit a breaking point last night. Called that therapist this morning, meeting her at 2 tomorrow. Promised Gareth I'd come join Hellfire some night. Been walking, two laps around the house.” I catch him up

“Wow, Em. That's great... What changed?” he asks and I just look at him

“Seriously Steve?”

“What?” he's silent for a second then “Oh...that...me” he looks down at his hands

“Have a good night? After you and dad took in my concert? He told me you didn't leave when you said you did... What the fuck Steve?” I'm getting angry now

“I'm so sorry, I don't know how to talk about some things with you. I...have issues of my own” he says

“Yeah, we all have issues man. But promising me to always be there if I need you and then just leave without an explanation. Really Steve? Why pester me about needing to talk when you're not going to do that yourself? I mean stop with the god damn mood swings Steve. You're giving me whiplash. Be there for me or leave me alone. If you met someone just tell me instead of telling me us fucking was a bad idea, that shit hurt bad Steve” I feel myself giving up now, the ball is in his court I'm done

“I AM here for you, just...with all you've been through now, how do I tell you stuff like that? I couldn't deal with everything that happened yesterday so I chickened out and I left you. I felt so fucking bad I stayed on the stairs trying to get the nerve to go back up to you. Then your dad came home and you began to sing. I couldn't ruin that so we listened to you and then I needed to clear my head so I went home. I'm a piece of shit for doing that when I did promise to always be there for you.”

“Well... It's up to you from now on. I have no energy left, I want you to be there with me, but I can't have you doing that to me. So what's it gonna be Steve? Are you going to talk to me when things get to be too much or are we ending this friendship right now?”

“I don't want to lose you Em, can we start over? Can we please try to find a way to talk about everything? I feel like there are things you're not telling me either” he says and I stay quiet. Do I tell him and risk him just going against everything he just said or do I set him free...

“We can try Steve. I mean I love...this friendship” I say “Ok, so... Drive me home? I guess you need to be back at work soon? Will you be back tonight or?” I say

“I'll be there, as soon as I'm off work. Here I'll help you up, hey smart move bringing a blanket this time” he says smiling at me as he takes my hand and helps me up from the ground

“Nah that's Henderson's. He was here when I arrived. He's coming over this weekend so he told me to just keep it until then” I say

“Ah, ok. How was he? I haven't seen him around school today”

“He was sad...or well I kinda made him sad” I say and I feel bad “I asked him what Eddie said to him before he died. He told me, I shouldn't have asked...I feel rotten for making him cry” I look at Steve

Steve hugs me “Don't feel bad, crying is good. But I understand you feeling bad for asking if it made him cry”

“Yeah, but I feel a little better knowing he was Eddie all the way to the end. The last thing he said to Dustin besides that he loved him was that it was finally his year. So this line right here” I point at the last thing written on the stone “this is so fitting and it makes me happy for him somehow” I say

We both say our good byes to Eddie and we leave the cemetery.

“Hey you're walking a lot better today sweetheart. Did you eat though?” Steve says as we reach the car

“I had oatmeal with dad this morning, I'm late eating lunch now. I didn't plan this trip today. I would have made a snack to bring but it slipped my mind when Gareth said he was leaving. But I have meals ready at home so I'll eat first thing I promise” I say as I get in the car

“Good girl!” Steve says and those two words send a shiver down my spine... why the hell was that so hot?

“Uhmm... thanks” I actually blush, fucking hell...why can't I act normal? Luckily as soon as he said it Steve turned around and went around the car to the drivers seat so he didn't notice me blushing over those two little words.

We head home and I do as I promised and I heat up one of the meals dad left me and I sit down in front of the TV. Steve goes back to work and I'm alone again. I watch some game show as I eat my food. I clean up after myself in the kitchen and I decide to make some tea and go out and sit on the porch again. It was nice getting fresh air. I sit there until it's starting to get chilly. I go inside again and I heat up another meal. I figured out that if I eat now there's another 3 hours until dad gets home, I'll have dinner with him then and I can eat one more of these before bed. Then I would have eaten 5 times today. “Hey Ed, high five freak” I say out loud chuckling feeling kinda good about myself.

Around five I hear a car door close and I assume it's dad coming home early but it's actually Steve.

“Oh, hey didn't think I'd see you until later” I say from the couch as he comes in the door

“Hey, I told you I'd be back when I was off work.” he sounds a little hurt

“Sorry, just thought you might have other things to do... not just keep a weirdo company. I mean I would very much appreciate if you'd be here for sleep...but I can't ask you to spend every minute here other than that. You need to have a life Steve” I say as he comes in and sits down with me

“Hey... I want to be here with you. Now shut up and come here” he holds out his arm for me to lean in against him. I take a deep breath and I move over and cuddle up against him on the couch. He smells so good it makes me want to cry. I lean in close and put my head on his chest. Instant comfort, and I fall asleep to the sound of the TV and Steve's heartbeats. I'm woken up by Steve softly shaking me

“Hey, no more nap now. You'll want to sleep tonight to” he smiles at me

“Wow... Didn't even feel that tired. How long was I out?” I ask

“Just about 30 minutes” he's very smiley

“What's so funny?” I say

“What? Nothing...you're just very cute...and you talk in your sleep by the way” he chuckles but something in his eyes makes me think he's sad

“I do not... do I?” I dread what I might have said

“You do, don't worry you were only talking about...or perhaps to Ed. You really do love him” he says

“Oh, well yeah I do. He was the best thing to ever happen to me” I say and I notice that sad look in his eyes again

“He was lucky he found you” Steve says and gets up “I need to pee and then I think it's time to make dinner. Should we surprise Martin? He's home in about 20 minutes”

“Yes let's do that! I'll go look what we can make” I say and get off the couch

“Look at you all spry again. What am I going to do with you now if I don't have carrying you around as a job any more?” he laughs as he goes in to the bathroom

“Oh I can think of something” I say under my breath as I go in to the kitchen

We decide to make chicken and rice with vegetables. Making enough so that we all get lunch in the morning as well. We laugh and talk as we cook. Like there was no weird tension between us earlier. When dad comes home we're sitting at the table, Steve winks at me and when he hears dad call

“Hey honey, you awake?” Steve calls back to him

“Welcome home sweetheart, dinner's ready” and we laugh

Dad comes in to the kitchen sees us laughing, food ready on the table and he just stares

“Wow, this is amazing. That episode last night really did make something change didn't it sweetheart. You look like a whole different person today” he kisses my head and I look over at Steve who's frowning

“Episode last night?” he says

“You haven't told him? Honey...” dad sounds surprised

“I'll tell you later, ok. Lets just eat before it gets cold” I say feeling bad for not telling Steve about my meltdown the night before

“Ok, please do” he says and I can hear he's a bit annoyed considering our conversation at the cemetery

Dinner is pleasant with good food and good conversation. Dad asks if Nancy could give me a ride and I panic

“God I forgot to call her, Gareth stopped by and I caught a ride with him to the cemetery” I explain “then I fell asleep for a little while when Steve came from work” I'll go call her now hold on. I go to the office and I sit down and call Nancy

“Wheeler residence”

“Hello Mrs Wheeler it's Emma. Is Nancy available?”

“Emma, oh sweetheart how good to hear your voice. Yes she's right here hold on”

“Hey Em, what's up” I hear Nancy say

“Hey, so did I get it right that you're off work at 1 on Tuesdays?” I ask

“Yeah, why?”

“Could I bother you for a ride tomorrow? I need to be at my new therapist's office at 2” I say

“Of course, I'll come pick you up straight from work no problem. How long is your appointment?”

“I think 1 hour” I say

“Ok then I'll run some errands and wait for you.”

“Thank you! You're the best.” I smile

“Oh I know, would you tell my boss though. Might make him pay me enough so I can move out soon” she giggles and I hear Mrs Wheeler mutter something in the background about ungrateful kids

“Yeah give me his number and I'll give him one kick-ass sales pitch” I laugh “See you tomorrow then Nance. Night”

“Night Em” we hang up and I go back to the kitchen

“So Nancy is picking me up when she's off work and then she said she'd wait for me to finish and drive me home as well” dad smiles

“She's so kind. I was having some issues getting time off to drive you myself. I would have made it work but this is much better” he says

“So what? I'm just here because I'm pretty to look at” Steve chuckles

“You work sweetie, remember the uncoordinated lamp posts?” I say and pet his arm

“Riiiight...them...” he smiles

That night was I crawl in to bed waiting for Steve to come upstairs I dread the conversation we're about to have. What am I going to tell him? That I cried my eyes out until I had no more tears for 3 hours straight because he left me... I decide I might as well tell him part of the truth at least. He comes up about 20 minutes after me, I'm almost asleep already

“Hey, move over you're hogging the bed” he says and gets in under the covers next to me

“Mmmmm...warm...sleepy” I say as he lies down behind me and wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer

“Cute girl” he whispers “but we need to talk just a little before we sleep, ok?”

“Ok...sorry... ok awake now” I shake my head

“So, don't hate me but I asked Martin what happened last night. Why did you cry so hard for 3 hours and not call me?”

“Because I cried over you leaving in the first place” I say quietly

“You...cried over me? Emma, turn around please” I turn so that I'm facing him “but why? And for the record I did not TELL you I had a date...you assumed because I didn't say anything”

“Over you, Max...Eddie... But that silence spoke louder than words Steve, I'm not saying you can't have a life. I just want to know... You said there was a lot for you to deal with yesterday, well news flash genius... it was the same for me. The fact that you so obviously regretted what we did before leaving to go see Max, well it did nothing to help an already bruised mind.”

“Regret... You think I regret us having sex?” he's staring at me

“Well... Telling me it was nice BUT and also that it was a bad idea... Steve c'mon” I say

“That wasn't regret...”

“Then what the hell was it?”

“Call it self preservation... But Emma, I don't regret it for a second. Please believe that, I just need more time before I can fully talk to you about this. Will you give me that?” I look at him, study that face that I love so deeply. He's as withdrawn as me I think. Well I can't ask him to tell me every single thought when I can't even admit my feelings to him

“Ok, I'll give you all the time you need. If you do me the same favour” I say. He looks deep into my eyes and he leans in and kisses my forehead

“Thank you” he whispers “regret having sex with you” he huffs “I'd be a fuckin idiot if that'd be true”

I smile, ok so that at least sounded true. But there is something he isn't telling me and I have a feeling it's something very important. But I just promised to give him time so I'd better hold my self to that. I turn over again and Steve puts his arm around me and pulls me in to his chest and we fall asleep.

I get woken up by Steve kissing my head

“Good luck today, I hope this therapist is good. Tell me all about it tonight, ok?”

“I hope so too, thank you Steve. Have a good one with the lamp posts” I smile at him and I stretch

“Fuck me you look so good when you do that” Steve grunts and then he leaves before I can say anything.

As I get up and take a shower my nerves start to get to me, what will today be like? How hard is this woman going to push me? What is she expecting me to tell her? These thoughts simmer in my brain until right before me and Nancy reach the therapist's office at 10 to 1.

“Ok, good luck. I'll be back here at 3. Then I'll wait if you're not done yet.” Nancy says and gives my arm a rub

“Thank you Nance... See you later”

At 3:15 I come out from the office feeling lighter in my own mind. I see Nancy's car and I go over to it and get in

“So? I'm curious, sorry” she smiles at me “wanna go grab a coffee and talk?” she asks

“Sure, that's be nice” I smile back at her

We head for one of the cafés in town. Sitting down outside, it's still quite warm outside.

“Ok, so. This woman is amazing. She listens to you as you speak, and she didn't once say that it'll get easier with time. She says grief MUST take it's own time, you can't try to hurry it. That will come back to haunt you later on. 'If it takes you 1 year or 50 years to feel ok about Eddie dying, then that is the time you needed it to take' that's what she said Nance. I am the one who has to feel when I'm ok with this no one else. But she thought it was nice that I go to his grave and talk to him, but also that I shouldn't shut you guys out. You lost him to, not just me I need to keep that in mind. So I'm sorry if I've been selfish Nance, I don't mean to be I hope you get that?” I look at her

“Sweetie, we know you don't mean to be selfish, we'd never assume anything like it. We all know the two of you had something we'd never even get close to. We all learned to love Eddie before he died. Hell, I mean even Steve liked him in the end.” she smiles

“Yeah I know he did. Did he tell you he stopped by the grave every day to talk to him?” I say and Nancy's eyebrows fly up

“He does? What for...I'm sorry but he seems the least likely”

“I know, but he says someone had to keep Eddie in the loop about how I was doing so he went over there every day and told him.”

“Wow, he's even worse off than I thought” she whispers to herself, I don't think I was meant to hear her

“What?” I say

“Nothing... Just that's so nice of him.” Nancy says smiling

We sit there for a little longer, talking about her and Jonathan now that they've moved back. And the fucking weirdest ever, Hopper being alive but captured by the Russians for almost a year. I heard this and I thought it was some kind of a dream. But no, apparently Steve had told me. My brain just kept that on the back burner also. Nancy drives me home around 4:30 and I slump down in the couch feeling like mush entered my brain. A lot of new impressions to deal with again today.

Steve comes back from work and he wants to hear all about what we'd talked about today. I tell him what I told Nancy and he says pretty much the same thing she did. That mine and Eddies love was something so much more than any of them had with Eddie. So no none thought of me as selfish. I hug him tight and thank him, he kisses me on the top of my head and mumbles “No worries sweetheart, love is a difficult thing”

We once again make dinner until dad comes home. And once again I have to tell the story of the amazing doctor Carter and her insightful thoughts. We all agree I seem to have found a good therapist. We have dinner, then we watch TV before I start yawning so bad both dad and Steve has to laugh at me

“Damn, if you didn't have ears your head would split in half” dad says with a laugh “better get to bed sweetheart before we'll have to carry you again” he pets my arm

“Yeah, I think I will. Night dad” I say then I look at Steve “You coming or leaving?”

“I'll be there soon, I wanna watch this til it ends. That ok?” he smiles at me

“Of course...why wouldn't it be” I say smiling back at him. I make my way up stairs. I decide I need a quick shower before bed, I feel a bit cold. I undress and get in the shower letting the hot water warm me up. I get out and I dry off. Not expecting Steve up just yet I go out into my bedroom butt naked to get a fresh pyjama out of the dresser. As I enter the room I feel myself getting a bit dizzy, I have skipped some of my meals today. Apparently I need to be more meticulous with that. I slump down on the floor by the dresser. There I sit when Steve comes up to go to bed

“Emma, God what happened?” he runs over and lifts me off the floor

“Just...dizzy. Been neglecting my meals today. Apparently a bad idea” I say and I blush

“Oh, sorry but, thank god it wasn't anything worse.” he says. We're just standing there. Him with me in his arms and me with my arms around his neck “Uhm... Em, this is a dangerous game we're playing. Think you can stand if I put you down? So I can get you some clothes...it's really effecting me feeling you like this” he says coarsely

Oh fuck I didn't manage to get dressed before I had to sit down, I'm still completely naked.

I look up at him, meeting his intense gaze

“I...well you could just put me down on the bed” I whisper

Steve walks over to the bed and leans forward putting me down on the bed carefully. As he stands up again he lets his hand slide up my body. He sighs deeply and turns away from me walking up to the dresser and gets a pyjama out for me. He hands it to me and stands with his back to me as I get dressed and crawl in under the covers

“Ok I'm done” I say feeling sad he didn't do anything more than that light touch. He changes to his pyjama bottoms and gets in with me. I lay my head on his chest as I've done now for as many nights as I can remember. How will I ever live without this heartbeat to fall asleep to? What happens when he can't be here any more? There is a feeling of panic inside of me fighting to get out and cause havoc. I won't let it... I don't need panic over Steve when I have to gather strength for mine and Dustin's plan. I'm going to need my all for that.

“So what's on the agenda for tomorrow then? Should I come back here for lunch? Or do you want to be alone?” Steve asks

“I never really WANT to be alone Steve, so please if you have the possibility I'd love it. I was thinking I might venture a little bit of a longer walk tomorrow. I felt real good walking today, so I thought seeing as it isn't too far I might go see Ed tomorrow around 10:30 and maybe you can pick me up when you come home for lunch?” I look up at him

“You sure you're up for it? I mean of course I'll pick you up there. That would probably be around 12:15 or something, that ok?” he smiles at me

“That sounds perfect Steve, well I'll decide when I wake up how I feel. I'll make sure to eat before I go and to bring something with me as well. I think I can do it. If not I'll call the school and leave a message for you” I say

“Sounds good sweetheart, but I think we should try for sleep now. Night Em” he hugs me tight kisses my head and gently starts stroking my back.

“Night Steve, thank you for being you” I say and I kiss his chest hearing him let out a small gasp

“Yeah...ummm...you too” he squirms a bit and I think to myself that I made him uncomfortable and my heart sinks. I lay there listening to his heart beating until I fall asleep. I wake up realizing during our sleep we've changed positions. I'm now on my back and Steve is laying on my chest. My boob in a firm grip and his leg over my hips. He's slowly grinding against my leg in his sleep. Again I feel he's probably dreaming something very nice. He's hard and ready against my hip, rubbing himself against me. I moan quietly, why is he doing this to me. I know it's not doing me any good, and I feel bad for wanting him so bad. But I wiggle out of my pyjama bottoms and I unbutton my top. I turn on my side so my backside is flush against Steve's body. His hand now grabbing my bare chest. He's starting to wake up I can tell by his breathing. I feel him tensing

“No Steve, we both apparently need this. Don't go all chivalrous on me, just please” I say felling so bad for begging like this. Takes him like a second to realize I'm completely naked from the waist down. He lets out a long deep breath and he tugs at his bottoms pulling then down. He taps my leg, I lift it and he slides in to me without hesitation. It feels so good being filled by him. I lean back and I grab his hair as he plays with my nipples and kisses my neck. He's breathing heavy in to my ear, groaning quietly

“Fuck you feel so good” the pace is slow and so good. Deep thrusts hitting just the right spot inside of me. Steve moves his hand down and starts circling my clit as he fucks me. “Come on me babe, please come on me I wanna feel you squeeze every last drop out of me” he growls in my ear. I grab his hair tighter, hos other hand coming up underneath me grabbing my boos again pinching my nipples, teasing them. He keeps kissing my neck, letting hos tongue play down it. I feel myself closing in to the inevitable “That's it babe, I can feel you're getting closer. God you feel so amazing, please let go now. I'm so close I wanna come with you babe” he purrs sending me straight to heaven

“Fuuuuuck Steeeeeve... Oh my gooood yes yes yes” I groan as the orgasm takes me and I feel him pushing in one last time before he releases his warm seed into me.

“Fuck Em... Fuuuuuck” he growls as he finishes.

There's full silence except our combined breathing. Until...

“Why does this keep happening?” Steve's voice breaks the silence

“Keep happening? I would have assumed because we want it to? Otherwise you need to win an Oscar for your excellent acting” I say feeling anger bubbling to the surface

“But do we though? Or is it just a carnal need?” Steve says quietly

“I think you need to leave now Steve” I can't any more... I just can't and I do not want to become angry with him over this. I want to keep this friendship but at this very moment I can't have him near me. He just breaks me apart

“What? Emma... I”

“Leave... please” I say back still turned to him “I'll get by without you. Go have your own life back. We'll talk”

“But... why?”

“STEVE!” I raise my voice enough for him to realize I am in fact serious. He gets out of bed and I hear him get dressed.

“I'll come pick my stuff up later tonight then? Do you still need a ride at lunch?” he says

“I'll let you know.” I can't look at him, my heart it shattered into a million tiny pieces. If I look I'll cry and then I might not be able to stop without begging him to be with me even if he doesn't want to. I hear him leave and I begin to shed silent tears until I fall back asleep.

I wake up around 10, feeling like I'm going to be sick. I take a few deeps breaths telling myself it's only because of Steve. It'll pass, just like every other time this has happened to me. Unrequited love sucks. I get out of bed and I get dressed. Go down in to the kitchen and make myself something to eat. I pack a bag with a sandwich and some fruit and I put my shoes and jacket on. Oh right I need to think if I want Steve to pick me up... If I make it there on my own I will be tired I know this. I go in to the office and I call the school. Letting the woman on the other end know that I want her to tell Steve he's to pick me up on his lunch break. I go to the kitchen and I make another sandwich and bring that along for Steve. I might be upset with him but I'm still going to make sure he eats something for lunch. I go outside, the weather is getting chillier now that October's come. It's been 5 months now, nothing is easier, and still everything is. I still miss Eddie every second of every day. But I can at least manage to exist now. The walk to the cemetery isn't long and it's not as strenuous as I thought. I get there and I sit down after stroking the headstone.

“Hey Freak, what's up... Remember me asking you to help me with the whole Steve crap... Yeah you suck!” I smile “that went to hell, did it again with him this morning. He fucking broke my heart so I kicked him out. Eddie...for fucks sake why am I so unlovable? What is it with me?” I'm crying now “and then on top of all this you're not here to make me feel better. Telling me your lame ass stories and bad jokes. I love him so fucking much Eddie and I can't tell him. I mean what was that? Asking why that kept happening? And when I said it was because we wanted to he said it was carnal need not want... I mean could he BE more uninterested? Well... on a brighter note though, me and Dustin are coming for you soon. We're meeting up this weekend to plan. But I feel ok now, if I can convince him we'll go on Saturday. You can't stay in that hellhole any longer...that's also breaking my heart”

I sit there and let my tears flow for a while until I hear footsteps on the gravel behind me. I look up and wipe my tears.

“”Hey man” Steve fist-bumps the stone and looks down at me “Hey Em” he says in a hushed voice

“Hey, thanks for this. The walk here was ok but I feel tired now.” I say not really able to look at him

“No problem you know that sweetie... I would do anything for you”

“Yeah, ok” I say and I get up “I made you a sandwich you wanna eat it here with Ed or you wanna take it to work?” I ask

“Uhmm... well If I eat it here I get your company so... wanna sit on the bench over there?” he says and points over to the bench not far from Eddies grave. I head over there and I sit down, taking out the packed sandwiches. I start eating, still not able to look at Steve because it hurts too bad. I give him the other one

“Thank you... Emma, why won't you look at me?” he sounds so small

“I can't... You just keep shitting all over me Steve. I can't have you around if you're going to be this way. The fact that you once again show such regret after having sex with me is fucking breaking my heart Steve. And since I want it and you're only fulfilling a carnal need then I want us to be apart. I can't have you that close if this is what I get, ok?” I look up and he's staring at his feet

“I... I promise I don't regret it I told you that”

“Fuck you Steve if that shit you said this morning isn't regret then what the fuck is it? I know I'm not the side chick here because you've basically lived with me for two months now. I think you might have been missed if there was someone else in the picture”

“There isn't anyone else... I just...”

“Yeah you have issues, don't we all. Well figure them out and come talk to me. Until then stay away. I can get home on my own” I say not entirely sure I can but I can't beg for a ride after that speech

“I'll drive you home, don't be silly. What if you're to exhausted along the way. C'mon... then I'll leave you alone, but promise you'll call if you need me. I am still here for you even if you don't think so” he says with a sad voice

“Good to know but the ball is in your court now. Deal with your issues Steve. But I will accept the ride home now” I say and I get up

“I will... and thanks for lunch it was good” he says and we go to the car and he drives me home. “Can I come over and get my stuff later?”

“Sure, I won't tell dad what happened. I'll just tell him I decided I needed to try being alone so you could have your life back.” I say

“Ok, well that's nice of you. But you don't have to lie for me. I know I screwed up...”

“Well... Thanks see you later” I say and I close the door and head inside. I hear him drive off and I break in to tears again. My dark thoughts are coming back, hovering in the back of my mind. Just one bad thing away from taking over again. I go in to the office and I call doctor Carters office. She answers and I ask if I can just talk for a few minutes, she agrees and I tell her everything that's happened during the last day. She asks me if I've told Steve how I feel? I tell her no, she tells me that the best thing is to do that. Even of that means a break it's better than this, this is too consuming and feeds the dark thoughts. She then proceeds to ask me if I've ever thought this might just be Steve thinking I don't want him so he's trying to keep me away the same way I'm now keeping him away. That we're both just being unsure what the other one feels and therefore making everything more confusing. She asks me to think about this until next weeks session and we'll talk about it more then. We hang up and I get stuck thinking about this. Steve feeling the same but not knowing how to say it so that's the reason he's acting a fool? Nah...doubtful. He's never seemed the guy to keep his feelings showed down and suppressed so why now?

I look at the time... I need to eat, I heat up food and sit down at the TV. But I can't keep my mind on the program. I just keep coming back to doctor Carters suggestion. Should I tell him or should I just leave it? What scares me the most is that if I tell him and he takes it badly and keeps his distance. Then I would have lost another friend in less than 6 months, THAT I can't handle. I'd rather be heartbroken but his friend than heartbroken and alone.

Dad comes home and we make dinner. He asks when Steve's going to be back and I tell him what I told Steve I was going to. He asks if I'm sure.

“Dad, I can't ask him to keep his life on hold like this. He needs to be able to do something other than work and hang around here. I promised I'd call if I needed him. So it's not like he's gone for good. But he just won't be here all the time. I need to learn how to sleep on my own. It is time dad”

“Yeah I guess you're right sweetheart. I just know how calm and happy you've seemed with Steve around. I have a good memory of what happened last time he left” he says

“Yeah me to dad, but then HE left without warning. This time I asked him to, there is a difference” he agrees to this. We have dinner the two of us and then he goes to watch TV. I decide to call Dustin. I go in to the office and sit down ant the desk dialling his number

“Hello, Henderson”

“Hey Mrs Henderson, it's Emma. Is Dustin around?”

“Hey Emma, yeah he's right here”

“Hey Em, what's up?” he says as he takes the phone from his mother

“Wanna come over Friday? We need to get this ball rolling.”

“Sure I can be there at like 6”

“Perfect, see you then”

“Yup, see ya”

We hang up, wish all phone calls could be that efficient I think to myself and smile. Good, now we're getting somewhere. I go out and join dad in front of the TV for while. There's a knock at the door around 8. Steve comes in looking kinda worse for wear

“Hey, am I disturbing you?”

“No not at all, we're just watching some TV” I say and this time I can look at him, still feels like someone is piercing my heart but I'll live

“You wanna join us or are you in a hurry?” dad asks and glances over at me I give him a small nod

“Well... I was actually thinking I'd get my stuff then I need to get back home. I have an extra early day tomorrow, the team's having a game out of town tomorrow night. I need to prepare for it before the actual school day starts” he says

“Oh, well good luck Steve. Kick their asses all the way into next week” dad says

“Want help with your things?” I ask

“Nah I'll be right down, I didn't bring that much to begin with” he says and heads up the stairs. My stomach churns, I feel like I want to be sick. Dad sees it

“Are you SURE about this honey? You don't look like you ever want him to leave, can't you just talk to him? I am sure he feels the same way about you...”

“No dad... he doesn't. That's part of why I asked him to leave, I can't have him be so close and not be able to...be with him. Just please dad I can't talk about this now. It hurts” I say

“Ok... I'm sorry sweetheart. I really am” dad squeezes my hand. Steve appears in the door carrying a bag of stuff.

“There, it's like I've never been there taking up space” he says trying to sound light and smiling. But I can see I did hurt his feelings asking him to leave. But what was I to do?

“You weren't taking up space Steve, you know that.” I say and I get up to give him a hug

“No, Em... Please don't, not right now” he says and he leaves out the door. I sit back down and I let out a deep sigh.

I can see dad in the corner of my eye wanting to say something but keeps him self from doing it. There's silence for maybe 10 minutes then dad clears his throat

“So, you want some tea or coffee or something sweetheart?” I know he asks only because he can't stand silences like this one.

“Sure dad, some tea would be nice. I think I'll head off to bed soon enough, it's been a long day” I say and smile at him

He comes back with a cup of tea each and we watch TV, making small talk about the program. Then I head up to bed. It's cold and empty without Steve in it. But I will have to learn to deal with this loneliness. Some time around 4 in the morning I finally doze off to sleep.

The following days are pretty much the same, I wake up, prepare my foos for the day. I walk to see Eddie. Walking is getting easier and by Thursday I make the trip back and forth from the cemetery without having to stop to catch my breath. Yes, I can do this on Saturday. I can go find Eddie and bring him home. Friday rolls around and I can't wait for evening. Just around 6 there's a knock at the door and Dustin comes in. I hear him as dad opens the door

“Hey Mr Lundberg, nice to see you”

“Hey Dustin, good to see you to. Emma's in the living room.” I know dad is planning on doing some work in his office tonight so he won't bother us.

“Emma! How's everything?” Dustin smiles at me

“Hey, well... Ok I guess. Hopefully a lot better by tomorrow...” I smile at him

“Yeah, we doin' this then? You're sure you can handle it? I mean if we can find a way in, and IF we find him there's really no way of knowing what we'll find. I can't have you disappearing on me in there” he sounds concerned

“Yeah, I mean I understand that whatever we find might be...gruesome. But I'd rather find what's left of him and being able to bring that back to his grave than living with the idea of him in there forever... That's what I can't deal with.” I say

“Then that makes two of us. I mean...not to rude or anything. I mean I love that you want me to help, but shouldn't we have someone else along as well... someone but me that's been in there before. Like Nancy or Robin...or Steve” he asks cautiously

“No! Steve has no interest in trying to find a way in again, Nancy and Robin will just try to stop me. I came to you because that first day in the hospital I could see it in your eyes that you want this as much as I do. Tell me I'm wrong?” I say

“Nope, absolutely correct. I want to do this, just that they've all experienced...the things in there that might wanna eat us. I've just beaten off some bats with a spear...” he says

“You're doubting yourself man, please don't do that. I would have never asked you if I didn't have complete faith that you could handle yourself Dustin” I say and I smile at him giving his knee a reassuring pat

“Thanks Em, well... ok so. You wanna do this tomorrow I guess? Should we leave first thing in the morning? I mean we'd have to get to what's left of the trailer park first of all.” he says

“Yeah I think first thing is good....then we'll have all day. I'm going to have dad drive me there, pretence that I need to see it to help with the demons. Therapist's suggestion. Then I'll say I've asked Steve to come pick me up later. It's easier to say I'm sorry later on than tell him what I'm doing before I do it.”

“Sure, sure... I can take my bike there. So meet at like what 9? Seems like a reasonable hour for you to be there? Any earlier might seem strange?” he says

“Yeah 9 is good. I'll pack something for us to eat.”

We sit there planning for a good 2 hours before we hear dad heading towards us and we have to change the subject. But it feels good, feels like we've covered all our bases. Dustin stays for a little longer then he heads home and I tell dad about my plans

“So I had another talk with doctor Carter today, she feels I need to start dealing with the places I've been avoiding due to memories. Like g there and tell Eddie what I feel in that moment. So tomorrow morning I would like to have a ride dad.”

“Ok, I guess I can manage” he smiles “where to?”

“The trailer park” I say and he stares at me

“But there's nothing left of it sweetheart...wouldn't that upset you?”

“It might but it might also help me. The doc thinks that me avoiding the places I associate most with Eddie is stopping me from reaching my goals. I need to face the fear of seeing what happened to his home. I've already spoken to Steve, if you drive me there say at 9 he's picking me up at 12 and we're having lunch.” I look over at dad, he's thinking this through I can see it

“Ok...well it sounds like a good idea. And if this woman thinks it might help I guess I have no reason to say no. But why that early?” he asks

��Well... I found out they're doing some digging out there next week so come Sunday they'll be fencing it off. And I don't want to risk them starting early and beginning the fencing tomorrow. So if I go early and they come there I might have had a small amount of time to myself where I can yell at Eddie for leaving me” I smile

“Oh... well ok then. And Steve is for sure picking you up then?” he asks

“Yes dad, he is. I think I need to talk to him so it's perfect. Well I'm going to bed then, see you in the morning. Love you, night” I say and kiss his cheek

“Love you to honey, sleep tight” he says and I head off to bed. I look out the window as I lay there missing Steve's body next to mine. I have slept these 2 nights without him but I haven't slept well. I hope this night will be better ´, I need to be rested for the trek tomorrow.

“Ed, my best freak... I'll be there tomorrow, hang on one more night ok?” I say out loud to the dark skies outside. I try to get comfortable, but my mind is racing. I turn and I pick up the phone

“What...ehmm...hello?” oh fuck I woke him up

“Hey”

“Emma? Did something happen?” Steve is wide awake now

“Nah...just... I'm sorry Steve, I'm just so sorry I hurt your feelings. I couldn't sleep because I hadn't said that to you. And...you know if something happens to either one of us and I never said it... Well that's all. Go back to sleep we can talk some other day. I just needed to calm my mind...and hear your voice” I say

“Emma... What are you talking about, something happening? And I'm sorry to, for being the way I was with you. I am trying to get my mind straight about this so I can finally talk to you. But...are you ok? Or do you need me to come over?” he asks sleepily

“No Steve, I'm ok. Feels better just hearing your voice. Good night sweetie” I say and I hang up. It actually calmed my mind, I didn't tell him straight out what I was doing but I kind of did hint at it. Hopefully he won''t ever have to worry about it. We'll get in, find Eddies body and get back out. Then it's too late to be angry with me... I try to justify lying to dad like I did with this logic. I fall asleep eventually.

The next day I wake up early, I head down stairs and I male some sandwiches before dad comes down and starts asking why I'm bringing that much food. I pack it in my backpack along with a blanket, a flash light, one of dads big hunting knives he got from his dad when he died and I sneak in to dads office and take the gun I know he keeps in his desk. There I should be set if there's anything left in there wanting to hurt us.

I make coffee and I sit down at the table just in time for dad to come downstairs.

“Oh hey honey you're up early” he kisses my forehead

“Yeah I couldn't sleep, guess I'm a little nervous seeing the place” I say which isn't a lie, just didn't specify WHAT place I was talking about.

“Yeah...are you 100% sure you wanna do this today?” he asks

“Yeah it has to be today, you know with the digging later on I have no idea when I'll get the chance again. And I'll be careful I know it's a crater there now. Nancy told me” I say

“Ok, lets have coffee then and I'll drive you there.” he sighs

We finish the coffee talking a bit about what I wanna say to Eddie once I get there. We head out to the car and we leave for Forest Hills, or what's left of it. Dad drops me off where the road leads in to the remains of the trailer park. I wave at him and I start walking. There is a silence in the area that doesn't feel natural. No birds, no trees blowing in the wind. Nothing like that. I go around the bend and it appears in front of me. A big crater, debris from trailers all over. But there is one trailer still standing...only one. And it's the one I was most hoping to see. But it will be very difficult getting to it I can see that. But I am hellbent on doing this so fuck that I'll get to it if I have to crawl all the way on my hands and knees. I'm a little early so I sit down on a rock facing the area and I wait for Dustin to arrive.

Steve's pov

There is something Emma isn't telling me. I have my suspicions, but I pray that I'm wrong. She wouldn't be that stupid, would she? Ever since she called me last night I've had this nagging feeling in my gut telling me I have to go over there and see if she's ok.

I get in the car and I drive over there, might be early but Martin is usually up at this time. I knock on the door, it opens I see Martin staring at me

“Steve? What are you doing here?”

“Hey Martin, is Emma up yet?”

“No, she had a thing she was doing for therapy, I dropped her off like 30 minutes ago, and she said you were picking her up there at 12 and you guys we're having lunch after. Steve? What's going on?” he's worried now and so am I

“Where did you drop her off?” I know the answer before he says it

“At the trailer park, her doctor thought she needed to face the places she associated most with Eddie. That it would help. Steve was she lying to me?”

“I'm afraid so... But I'll get her. I think this has a lot to do with my behaviour not just Eddie's death. I'll bring her back safe Martin. But in case she's changed her mind, and I pray to god she does, and she comes home you better stay put.” I tell him

“Ok... what do you think she's really doing Steve?” Martin is pale now

“I think she's stupid enough to go look for Eddies remains. She know where he died, Dustin told her that” Why lie to the poor man

“Dustin was here last night, I overheard them talking about something... I don't know something was upside down... I didn't catch it all.” he says and my heart sinks, fuck Dustin is in on this to? Then there is a slight possibility they'll get in there if the gate is still there. I need to go to Dustin's and see if he's at home. He might have just told her about the gate never imagining her actually going. While I'm standing there thinking Martin has gone in to his office, but now he's running out looking terrified

“My gun and my hunting knife, they're both gone... Steve what is she up to?” he's panicking

“Ok... Martin I need you to really listen to me now ok. I haven't much time I need to go to Dustin and see if he's gone with her. Ok, so everything I'm about to tell you is true ok how ever unbelievable it may sound. I will give Nancy a call and she can come tell you in detail ok?”

“Ok?” Martin is staring at me. We sit down in the kitchen and I tell him in short what happened that day Eddie died. I show him my scars from the bats. “So she's gotten it in her head to go in there to this place to find what might be left of Eddie? And she's gotten Dustin to come? Is this what you're telling me?” Martin sighs

“Yeah, Dustin has this guilt for leaving Eddie there. We all know it. He's been trying to get us to go ever since it happened. I think now that Emma brought the idea to him he had no one to stop him. I need to go now, but first I'm going to call Nancy and get her here.” I say and I pick up the phone. Nancy answers and I give her a quick explanation “She'll be right here, she can tell you all you need or want to know about this. She's been dealing with it since the beginning just like me” I say to Martin and I rush out the door and in to the car. I drive off to Dustin's house hoping he'll be there and that Emma was actually telling Martin the truth. I see Dustin's mum outside looking worried

“Hey Mrs Henderson, is Dustin home?” I say

“Oh Steve, I think he's going to do something stupid... He came home last night from visiting Emma, he packed a bag with a flash light, ropes, his knife and I saw him take out that spear thing he made. And now he's gone. Is he going where I think he's going Steve?” she's borderline hysterical

“I'm afraid so, and he's got Emma with him. I'm gonna go and try to reach them before they do something truly stupid, ok? I'll get him home safe, I promise” I say and she's nodding her head crying. I get in the car again and I break every speed limit there is getting to the trailer park. I have to get there in time, I HAVE TO! Turn in to what's left of the trailer park and I see them, half way across the crater headed to... what the hell it's still standing? I run out of the car getting up on to the edge and I scream

“EMMA! PLEASE WAIT!” I try to get down there as fast as I can without falling and hurting myself. I jump, I run, I climb just to get to them

“Steve? What are you doing here? How did you know?” She sounds both surprised and angry at the same time.

“Martin... I came over, had a feeling you needed me... Please, don't do this...for the love of god don't. AND YOU!” I lash out at Dustin “What the fuck were you thinking? Your mum's hysterical because you packed that stuff and took that fucking spear out. What were you hoping to achieve here?”

“I have to get him back Steve, I should have never left him ok... I shouldn't have. I can't fucking sleep Steve, the guilt is eating me up from the inside. And since none of you guys wanna do this I had to take who ever I could, luckily Emma needs this as much as I do. So go home Steve, leave us to this.” Dustin glares at me

“Steve listen to him, leave... If you can't support us then leave. I can barley fucking exist knowing he's in there, that his grave is empty. I can't it's all consuming every day. The only time I didn't think of this was when I was with you and when you made it so abundantly clear that that was a mistake to you , well this is it then. I need peace of mind Steve... or I won't make it. The darkness is there...all the time threatening to take over. I have to do this... There isn't one reason for me not to.” I look at Emma... what the fuck have I done

“What if you get hurt? Huh? Killed...stuck in there unable to escape? What then? What about all the people you'd be hurting? What about your mum Dustin? What about Mike, Will and Lucas? And Emma... please... Em what about Martin... What about me?” I plead with them

“What about you Steve? What about YOU? Twice you've fucked me then thrown me away like garbage, breaking my heart in to a million little pieces. It's not helping Steve... I need to do this for ME. If this is it for me, if I don't make it back, yeah dad will be sad for a while. I know you'll tell him I died for something I believed in if that's the case. It breaks my heart saying this Steve, I don't want to hurt dad like that. But I can't go on without at least trying. I can't for Eddie I can't. So I ask you again Steve... WHAT ABOUT YOU?” she's angry now, angry I'm trying to stop her. Angry that I can't understand her reasoning. But all I can feel now is fear, the fear that I am losing her, I can't be a considerate chicken any longer

“BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE YOU! OK? Because I've loved you for years...YEARS Emma. But I couldn't compete with Eddie, I still can't compete with Eddie. All I ever wanted was to be yours all the time, wanted to love you in every sense of the word. But he's always there between us, I can't compete with the love you have for him. So I tried sooo fucking hard to stay away, to not let myself be blinded by you and how amazing you are. But I got caught in my feelings for you, twice these last months we've been together and both times has been been as a direct result of you dealing with losing Ed. I... I don't have the strength to be around you and not love you but I can never be him however much I try I just can't and it's killing me. That's the weirdness, that's the thing you took for regret... ok? It's just me not knowing how to compete with a dead man. I want you, I need you... I love you so much. Fuck I fell for you that first day you came in to Scoops, you were so weird and cute and you weren't intimidated by me. You were just being you...and then that day when I came over when you were hurt...that was it you had me. From that moment I was yours, but you were Eddies... I just wasn't him.” there, I did it. I told her

Back to Emma

Is this reality? Did he just say what I thought he said... I stare, I can't speak. My mind is racing, a thousand different things fighting to take centre stage.

“You think you had to COMPETE with Eddie over me? Eddie? My best friend? I never ever loved him like anything but a brother. I... why the fuck would you feel a need to compete with that? He was my person, my ride or die, my rotten soldier. But he could never be what I wanted you to be. I never ever had those feeling for him, do I love him yes. But as you'd love a brother or a best friend. I mean it's like you, you love Robin. She's you person am I right?” he nods “Yeah...you get it now? Eddie is my Robin.” I can't make this any clearer for him. My heart is absolutely singing but I can't take my mind off how close we are to finding out if the gate is still there. Steve is right next to me now, just looking at me tears in his eyes. I reach up and I kiss him with every bit of the emotions I have for him “Steve Harrington... I love you too ok? But I still need to do this, so either you find a way to be ok with it or you need to leave.” I kiss him again and again

“Fucking hell this took you two an unnecessary long time...” we hear Dustin sigh

“You knew?” Steve sounds surprised

“Dude... We've all known for years. You can't hide a feeling any better than I could hide an elephant in my kitchen. None of us understood why nothing ever seemed to happen between you two though... But I agree with her, be ok with it or leave Steve. We're wasting time.” he points towards Eddies trailer on the ledge above us

Steve looks down at me “You love me? That for real?” he asks me

“Steve I'd be a cruel person if I said that to you without meaning it. You think of me as cruel?” I smile

“No, not at all... Ok... I'll go with Dustin and you wait here. I WILL NOT argue this with you. We enter that trailer and you sit your pretty perfect ass down and you wait. I've been in there I know what we might find, Dustin has some idea of what's in there. You, not a clue and I need to keep it that way.” he looks at me with a stern look. I want to argue with him, but he does have a point. “Once we're in there and we see if that gate's still there. We go in you give us a maximum of three hours. If we're not back you take my car and you get Nancy and Robin and you tell them to gear up. Ok?” he says as we begin to make out way towards the slope leading up the last bit to the lonely trailer

“Take your car? But I can't drive” I say that's where I got stuck

“I know you can, Martin told me you've been driving a little with him and that you were good. I know you can do it. 3 hours Emma, ok?”

“Ok, 3 hours then go get Robin and Nancy. I got it” I say

As we climb the last little bit I feel my stomach churn again, I haven't been here for 5 months, last time was the last time I saw him. We carefully open the door making sure the trailer is on solid ground. Steve enters first, then Dustin and lastly me. Every fibre in my body wants me to not go in there, not make myself relive the memories if this place and all the happy times I've spent here with the Munson men. I pull myself together and I step over the threshold, Steve and Dustin are standing in the middle of what was the living room staring up in to the ceiling.

“Fucking hell Henderson...it's still here” Steve is pale as a ghost as he's staring at the hole in the ceiling showing a dark twisted copy of the room we're standing in.

“Fuck man, I actually had my doubts after we killed Vecna it would be here. But I'm glad it is, gives us a fighting chance right” Dustin is also looking up in to the twisted world. I'm just having a hard time gripping all of this still. “I have a rope...we're gonna need a rope to get in and out” Dustin starts rummaging through his backpack. He finds the rope and he ties one end to the inside of the trailer door the other he ties to his jeans “Ok Steve hoist me up there” he says

“Why you first?” Steve asks

“You're taller than me, I can't get you up there. Once I'm in I'll tie the rope to that end and you can use it to get through.” Dustin says

“Hey you're not as dumb as I look” I say and I smile as I get the same confused look from them as I did from Eddie when I said that to him.

“Is it bad I don't know if she's insulting me or complimenting me?” Dustin says to Steve who just chuckles

“Just go with thank you dude. Think that's your safest option. But actually, smart idea Henderson. You ready?” he says

“Wait... take these... In case it takes time” I say and hand them the sandwiches I made

“Thank you babe” Steve smiles at me and leans in for a kiss. I purr against his lips, I like it when he calls me babe.

“Ok... I've said it before. You can make out with her later, lets go” Steve smiles at me and then he grabs Dustin by the waist and lifts him up towards the ceiling. I sit down on the floor next to the mattress. I watch Dustin disappear into the hole in the ceiling then falling down on the floor on the other side. He ties the rope to the kitchen counter then motions to Steve to climb through. He's not speaking seeing as they don't know who or what might be listening. Steve falls down on the other side and I stand up looking at them

“Remember, 3 hours from now. Love you” he says

“3 hours, and love you right back”

They disappear from my sight and my stomach forms a hard pit, I sit down on the mattress again. Looking at my watch and then at the ceiling. The wait has begun...

It doesn't take long. Maybe 20 minutes and I hear their voices again. They're getting attacked I think...or there's nothing left to bring back. I stand up and look in to the other world. Suddenly Steve appears

“Hey babe, miss me?” he smiles at me and the pit in my stomach disappears as fast as it appeared.

“Hi, of course I missed you. Did you find...anything?” I ask

“Could you move please, I'm sending Dustin through” Steve says and I move to the side. Dustin falls through the hole. He stands up and brushes himself off. He's been crying, gibe his back a stroke.

“You ok?” I ask

“Yeah, I'm ok...but you're gonna want to help me now. They say don't disrespect the dead so I guess just dropping him through would be bad?” he says looking up

“Dropping him?” I look up and I let out a cry. Standing there is Steve holding a body in his arms.

“I know, I know sweetheart. But please don't lose it now. I need you to help Dustin catch him ok?” Steve is looking right at me, I nod. I take a deep breath and me and Dustin position ourselves under the gate ready to catch the body as Steve climbs on a dresser to reach trough easier. The full weight of Eddies body hits us as he falls when he passes through the gate. We manage to not drop him and we move him over to the couch so that Steve won't fall on him when he comes back. Dustin goes back to make sure Steve gets back ok. I'm just sitting there staring at the face in front of me. He hasn't changed...not one bit. He's got dried up blood all over but other than that he looks like when I saw him last, a little paler maybe. I reach out and I put my hand on his cheek, he looks so peaceful.

“Steve...” I say in a hushed voice “Steve” a little louder “STEVE!”

“Sorry, yes what's wrong” he comes up to me

“Why isn't he cold Steve... He should be cold” I'm vibrating now

“We don't know how time works in the upside down babe. Maybe it's just been a day or something in there” he says

“No, no... Steve...” I let my shaking hand move to the side of his jaw, pressing my fingers in to the skin. I scream “HE FUCKING HAS A PULSE STEVE” then I pass out.

When I come to there's full chaos. Steve's trying to make sure I'm ok, Dustin is freaking out and I can't get up fast enough

“Steve for fucks sake he had a pulse I felt it” I groan

“Yeah, yeah we both felt it... He's...I think he's alive Em. But like Max in some kind of a coma”

“Yeah he's alive... And you wanted me to NOT go get him...” I feel so many things right now. I know none of them would have even had the slightest tiniest ounce of hope this could happen. I mean I know I didn't, I was fully set on finding maybe a body, maybe parts of him. Something to put in that grave. But not this, never ever this.

“I... I never expected. I'm sorry” Steve's crying now, Dustin is crying. Fuck now I'm crying

“I know Steve I know, god I didn't mean to sound so angry. Just...the shock Steve. We need to get going, we need to get him to the hospital” I tug at them both making them stand up. With joined effort we get Eddie out of the trailer. The old table is still half standing outside. We tip it over, put Eddie on it an then we use it as some kind of makeshift sled to get him over to the other side of the crater. We manage to get him in to Steves car and I sit down in the back with his head in my lap just stroking his hair in disbelief. I don't know how many speed limits Steve broke getting us to the hospital but I bet it was as Eddie wouls have said “All of them” We run inside, Steve carrying Eddie in his arms. The staff had seen us coming they meet us and then they take over. We give some bull story about being curious about the crater and finding him under the trailer like this. They ask if we know who he is

“His name is Edwars Munson” I say and they all look at me

“The boy who...they thought”

“Yeah him, we thought he died in the earthquake but apparently...” I motion at Eddie “not”

They rush him off to an examination room, telling us to stay put and they'll come get us when he was in a room. It takes about an hour then a nurse comes and tells us he's in a room if we wan to see him. We all hold hands as we go in to the room. He's on the bed looking like he''s asleep. They've cleaned him off and he looks like Eddie again. Dustin falls down on the floor. I sit down with him, I know exactly what's bothering him.

“Hey Dustin, c'mon. I would have left him for dead to you know.”

“But he died Em, I was there I held him and I saw him die” he's sobbing so bad

“Maybe he...kinda restarted when you left. Maybe his body came back for whatever reason. You couldn't have known Dustin. Please don't do this to yourself. He's here now, he has a chance. And if he doesn't make it, he's atleast home again.” I hug the bot on the floor tight as he sobs uncontrollably in my arms. Steve comes in

“I've called them all, told them to come to the hospital. That we needed them here. I think I might have scared them in to thinking one of you got hurt but it'll be worth it.” he says

“You called dad to?”

“He's with Nancy so I guess she won't be leaving without him” he's standing at the end of the bed looking at Eddie “Fuck man, welcome home” he puts a hand on Eddies foot and he smiles.

“Dustin, please come dit on the chair” I say and we help him off the floor. He sits in the chair next to Eddie, just staring at him crying.

“I'm sorry man, I'm sorry” he keeps whispering

We hear voices outside and we hurry out there. We see Robin, Nancy and dad coming down one side of the corridor from the other way Mike, Will and El. El is smiling widely

“Oh she knows” Steve whispers

“WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE?” Robin is furious, I guess Nancy filled her in on the way

“Before the namecalling a hitting begins can we just calm ourselves and gather round please” Steve says in a calm voice

“Calm? CALM? Where the fuck is Dustin? What happened to him?”

“Robin, please. He's in there but not for the reason you think.” I say and Robin looks at me then at Steve. Down at our hands which we're holding tight

“Ok... So he's ok and you two finally figured out you're made for eachother? That's why we're here? Seriously?” she scoffs

“Not just that... Ok so this might be a bit much to handle, just remember to breath thruogh the shock. Not like this one, she fainted” Steve says and kisses the top of my head

“Fainted? What happened to you?” dad sounds worried

“Not a thing, or well. You'll se” I say

We open the door and we go in first. The others gather in the room and the silence can be cut with a knife.

“That's why I couldn't see him, he's also hiding” El's voice breaks the silence

Then chaos, crying and also... Mike passing out. I'm glad I wasn't the only one I think. Dad is the color of ash, he's staring at the bed.

“Is he? For five months? That's impossible...” he sits down on the other chair in the room. Nancy and Robin are crying, Will tries to wake Mike up and El has sat down next to Eddie with closed eyes

“I can feel him stronger now, he's more like Max now. When he was there...he was just like a shadow” she says in a weird hollow voice

“She's looking for him” Steve whispers

“I thought you said she refused to look for him?” I whisper back

“Apparently she did once at least” he takes my hand “Come with me? Let them say hello on their own” he says.

We go out in to the corridore and sit down at the very end.

“So... We've been stupid, haven't we?” Steve smiles at me

“Yeah” I smile back “we have. One might even suspect us of being stubborn or someting” I say with a giggle

“Right? But it's out there now... I love you, very very much Emma. I never wanted to hurt you but I just wasn't sure if the dude in there would always outshine me and make me second. I'm so sorry I didn't just talk to you”

“Hey, I didn't 'fess up either so. Both Nance and Rob have been telling me a long time to tell you how I felt. Before them, Eddie told me. I was scared you only saw me as a casual hook-up and not someone you'd actually wanna be seen with. One of the last things Eddie told me back in the trailer before you left was that I should give you a chance when you guys came back, because he thought I'd fall in love with you if I gave you a chance. I tried so hard not to Steve, I've been hurt so bad in the past. But he was right, didn't take long for me to relaize you were infect the guy for me. Fuck it hurt believing you didn't like me back. Hurt even more thinking you regretted being with me” I have to be honest with him

“I have no words that can tell you how bad that made me feel, but I just wasn't ready to tell you that I felt like a second choice for you. But I guess I'm going to have to start showing you how much I never regretted the sex. Like every day from now on” he smiles and leans in for a kiss “because THAT babe is something you're amazing at and I won't leave you alone now that I know you're all mine”

We see a doctor coming up towards us, we straighten ourselves and greet him

“Hello, I suppose you two are the ones to talk to about Edward Munson seeing as you're the ones who brought him in?” he says

“Yes, I guess. We couldn't reach his uncle right now, I think he might be at work. I'll try calling him again later” Steve says

"Well, I can say I've never seen something like this myself nor have I heard of it and I've been a doctor for 40 years now. But you're telling me Mr Munson supposedly died in the earthquake and now you came to the remains of the trailer park and you found him underneath the only trailer still standing? Well... I can tell you this much, he couldn't have died. You don't come back from that on your own. But I could possibly believe he slipped in to a very deep coma. To the untrained eye he looks dead still. But how the hell, excuse my language, he survived for five months I can not understand OR explain. He might wake up or he might not. His situation is pretty much the same as Ms Mayfield's. From now on I suppose it's all just a waiting game for you all." he shakes his head in disbelief and walks away

"You know what the worst part is?" I look at Steve

"No, what?" he says stroking my back gently

"I don't think we should tell Wayne, not until we know the outcome of this... It's like a sudden realisation to me, we could end up losing Eddie again. I couldn't stand doing that to Wayne." I say

"Not tell him we found Eddie now you mean?" Steve ponders this for a minute "you know babe, I think you're right. But... I have to ask...will YOU be ok if we lose him again?"

"I've spent every day now for five, very soon six months grieving Eddie, I've dealt with every emotion under the sun. I think... if he doesn't make it, this time I will have the chance to say good bye to him and that would help me. And now I have you, I really have you" I put my hands on Steve's face and I look him deep in the eyes. "I love you...and I will keep loving youfor as long as you'll have me. Maybe I'll be in a dark place some days but I know you can get me out of it. Why were we so stupid Steve?"

"That is a fucking good question... Pair of stubborn asses the both of ya... Guess you finally caved? You told him and he told you? I've HATED having to keep both your secrets for this long... I know Nancy feels the same" Robin is standing a few feet away looking at us with a smirk on her lips

"OUR secrets? You've known all along that she loved me? For fucks sake Rob, you could have spared me a lot of heartache" Steve mutters at her

"Yeah? Think it was my thing to tell? Why didn't I just tell her you loved HER instead then? Could have just as easily done that huh? Would you have been happy with me if I broke your confidence?" she's staring him down "STUBBORN" she practically yells at us and stomps off

"Wow... Ok...so we've learned that we're stubborn asses today. I'm sorry I didn't tell you Steve. But I just thought you had no interest in me other than as maybe a friend with benefits. I didn't want to risk the heartbreak, been through that too many times to be a fan... Eddie said I was too hard on myself, that if you didn't like me back you we're a fucking idiot and not worth my time anyway. Guess he was right...fuck... I didn't get to win an argument with him after all" I chuckle

Steve beams at me and leans in and gives me a kiss

"You know... Never thought Munson was that good at telling peoples feelings. I heard him mumble to himself once, while we were wandering the woods in the Upside down 'I knew it, I was right. She won't have her heart broken this time' I didn't pay enough attention then to figure out who he was talking about. But I guess he figured out I loved you." Steve looks at me my heart sings I'm so happy.

Days turn in to weeks and Steve is practically living with me and dad. We're all just waiting to see if one or both of our friends will ever wake up. We take turns staying by their side at the hospital. A couple of weeks before Christmas the phone rings

"Hello this is Emma" all I hear at the other end is a squeal "hello?"

"You gotta come here" it's Lucas

"Be there as soon as I can" I throw the receiver down and I run in to the living room "We gotta get to the hospital NOW" Steve and dad look at me shocked "that was Lucas...he squealed...can't say if it's a good one or a bad one but we gotta GO" they both fly off the couch and we head for the car. I think dad almost killed the car going to the hospital. We run up to the ward and in to Max's room. There she is, leaning against her pillows...awake! There's tears and laughter all around.

"Max...girlie what an amazing Christmas present! Fuck I've missed you!" Steve is crying tears of joy hugging her so I think he might crush her. I have to pull him away reminding him she's fragile after this long in a coma "Sorry" he blushesMax smiles softly "He'll be here soon. You should go to him" she looks at me and takes my hand

"He? What are you..." I stare at her, holding my breath until Steve pokes me "he's... coming?" I turn and look out the open door to the room on the other side of the corridor.

"Yes, I've seen him all along. We hid together" her voice is strained as she looks at me "go now" she says and I think I make the distance between her room and Eddies in one jump. I throw myself down on the chair next to the bed and I take his hand and I wait, tears streaming down my cheeks. Steve comes in and stands behind me leaning down kissing my head. I look up at him and I kiss him

"Well...see weirdo why do you doubt me all the time" a hushed voice from the bed says

We pull apart and stare at the bed. Eddie's eyes are barely open but his smile is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life. I scream and I throw myself up into the bed holding him for dear life. I cry and I cry and I cry

"What the fuck's her problem? You mean to her already Harrington, I'll kick your ass you know that right?"

Steve's just laughing through his tears "Fuck we've missed you man!"

"Missed me? Wait... what happened? The last thing I remember is fighting those fucking bats, they bit me bad. I think I passed out? Did I?" Eddie sounds confused

Dad comes in and he puts a hand on Eddies head "Good to have you back son, I'd say you should sit down for this but I guess you're fine where you are. Ok so Eddie... There's no real easy way to say this so I'm just going to rip the band aid ok?"

"Ok Martin, do it..." Eddie holds me while I keep crying

"It's Christmas Eddie... Dustin had to leave you because you we're so badly injured you slipped in to a coma in his arms and he thought you died. We had a funeral for you. Emma's been a wreck for several months trying to deal with you leaving her. So this is...well this is happy tears Eddie, just a lot of them" dad looks at the boy in the bed who's staring at him like he's grown five heads

"Christmas? But it was May when we... I was there...how did I make it? MAX! Where's Max she was there with me...is she?" he tries to get up but with me on top of him and Steve holding him back he can't

"She's ok, she just woke up as well. Vecna broke her...but she found her way back. She said you've been hiding together" Steve sniffles and wipes his tears. Dad smiles and says he's going to check on the others.

The doctor comes in and stares at Eddie, and me of course.

"Ahem...Ms Lundberg would you please get off my patient so I can examine him" he says "Mr Munson, I have to tell you I'd almost given up hope of the two of you ever waking up. I thought Mr Henderson was trying to prank me when he came barging in my office yelling for me to come because the both of you woke up. But here you are." he smiles at Eddie as Steve helps me off the bed. He examines Eddie thoroughly saying he's going to need x-rays to make sure all is ok on the inside as well. A nurse comes in and takes his blood pressure, temperature and draws blood. Eddie is quiet the whole time until they all leave.

"So Dustin's ok?" he says quietly "must have been hard on the kid" he looks at Steve

"Yeah...it's thanks to him and this moron right here you're even back here. They went to find a gate so they could bring your body back. Had to forcibly make her stay as I came with Dustin in to find you. Didn't think she needed that after the ordeal she'd been through" Steve holds me and kisses my head

"Good thinking there Harrington, so you've grown a brain while I was gone?" Eddie smiles, still a tease through and through I think and I crawl up in the bed again. I still haven't said a word to Eddie. It's like my brain is back in that mute phase I had in the beginning when I thought he was dead. Eddie wraps his arms around me and looks at Steve.

"Since when doesn't she speak?" he sounds worried

"Well...the first 4 months after you were...gone she didn't speak, not one word after graduation... I think it's shock right now. She'll speak soon I guess. Tell you all about how stupid I've been" Steve smiles at me and Eddie beams

"So you guys DID end up together after all. I was right? Congrats man, you've found yourself a prize here" he hugs me tight "and you...yeah you found that one, you could do better but I'll let it slide since you've been temporary insane from missing me" he whispers at me. Steve chuckles

"Yeah we did end up together, took time though. I was being a moron thinking I couldn't compete with you so I pulled away from her"

"You can't compete with me Steve, there's only ever gonna be one freak in her life and that's me. But you can have her for everything else" Eddie holds out his fist "put it here man"

Steve tears up "I've been to your grave every day giving you a fist-bump. Fuck you can have as many as you want! Missed you so much man" he bumps his fist in to Eddies and then he leans over the bed and gives him a hug

Dad comes in again carrying a phone with him. He plugs it in to the wall and then he says "Ok, Steve should you or I call him?" Steve sighs

"Martin I don't know if I'll be able to hold it together telling him"

"Ehmm...call who?" Eddie looks from one to another

"Wayne" I whimper "I want to call Wayne" I sit up next to Eddie and I smile at him "Fuck you freak for doing this to me" then I give him a wet kiss right in the middle of his forehead

"There's my weirdo, I know you love me and all but save the slobbering for Harrington ok" he dramatically wipes his forehead "but Wayne? He...doesn't know? Where is he, at work?" fuck we'd forgotten Eddie doesn't know about he rest

"Dad, Steve could you...tell him while I call please" they nod and they sit down next to the bed and start telling Eddie everything that's been going on since he disappeared. Eddie's eye fill with tears as he hears about it all

I dial the number on the piece of paper in front of me

"Munson"

"Hey Wayne, it's Emma" there is a long silence on the other end "hello? Wayne, you there?"

"Sweetheart, it's really you? Oh my god how lovely to hear from you. How you been?"

"Well... I've not been ok. I guess you saw that in the beginning, took me about five months to snap out of it. Ehm... Wayne are you sitting down?" I say and my voice is shaking

"No...why? Is something wrong?"

"Would you please sit down, I have something to tell you" I say

"Ok...sitting down now. You're making me worried here sweetie"

"It's not worrying news Wayne... it's really the best Christmas present any of us will ever get... Uhmm... so 2 months ago me and Dustin set our minds on something..." I begin

"No...Emma. You didn't, please tell me you didn't try to get in there to find him"

"We...did...and Wayne... we found him" I say and there's muffled crying on the other end "Wayne... listen to me now ok?"

"Ok" he sniffles

"He was alive Wayne, in a deep coma but alive" I think that the silence could probably be cut with a knife it's so dense "Wayne? Breath sweetie so I know you're still with me"

"Emma...please don't make sick jokes like this. It's cruel" he cries I look over at the bed and I get up and I hand Eddie the phone

"Wayne... Hey man" we can all hear the scream from the other end. Eddies shocked face says it all as he hands the phone back to me

"Wayne...it isn't a joke. He woke up today, him and Max both woke up today. I think you need to take some time off work and come back here for Christmas don't you?" there's loud sobbing on the other end. I wait for it to subside a bit "Wayne sweetie, you know I would have never called and told you something like this if it weren't true"

"Put him back on" Wayne sobs and I hand Eddie the phone and motion to the other's that we should leave and give them their privacy.

If someone would have told me at the beginning of June that by Christmas I would be in a perfect relationship with Steve, Max would have woken up AND that we'd find Eddie alive I would have probably thrown a massive fit and died on the spot from getting to angry with them I'd have a heart attack...

But you know what, miracles do happen. Even to weirdos and freaks

Authors note!

Hey guys... I know this ended a bit over the top happy, but hey we all whished for Eddie to survive. This is me trying to manifest for season 5 😉

Thanks for reading

#steve harrington smut #steve harrington #eddie munson #steve x fem #stranger things

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tarotnoob · 2 years

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PAC: Hype messages to get you moving

Pick the pile you're drawn to, and scroll for a message meant to get you going ⏩!

Pile 1

7 of swords, 6 of pentacles, Support, Consider Your Foundation, Assess the Situation

First of all, there's some cynicism happening here. Whether it's people who disappointed you in the past or having had to wait a long time for an important manifestation - this 7 of swords defo has vibes of... pouting. I know that sounds like it's minimizing your experience (bc it is), but it's excess baggage. In this deck, the 7 of swords mentions difficulties in being happy for others bc there's a sense of everyone around us getting great things and we're waiting here like I'm a good person, when's my ship going to come in? Valid. I feel like that a lot, too. But this 7 of swords isn't about trauma residue, this is 7 of swords coming more from waiting for a long period of time and nothing really happening or not getting what you want.

A lot of this has been coming up lately with the eclipse and pluto retrograde, but the messages have frequently been about us getting in our own way because we still hold on to past hurts or maybe bc of the pandemic, we were locked away for a couple of years - which would probably make it less likely for manifestations to happen (especially in love, for example) because we couldn't get out there and then the mindset started to build of - this is never going to happen, nothing is happening... but now that restrictions are lifting in some areas, there's going to be more opportunities to expand that mindset - though it may take some time.

I think the assess the situation is what you have been doing, so there's a lot of analytical energy here. You may have even been keeping it to yourself or self-isolating to some extent, but what I see here in terms of hype messages is this:

I do see more happiness coming in as you're able to openly expand your network, particularly with people. Like, opportunities to meet new folks and make new connections, especially people who may share your hobbies or background. I guess it looks like your soul tribe. This may even be what you were hoping to manifest for all of that time.

New people coming in aside, there is also a note that it would be great to keep a gratitude journal. Not to shame you to feel you aren't grateful, but just as a way to re-focus the way you think. I think the assess the situation could also speak to this idea of having to reorganize your thoughts. When you write down on paper or type it out, even just grab your phone to text yourself or send an email to yourself. Instead of focusing on what's not working or what "failed" or what isn't coming, write down what IS working and what has come to you, even it if feels "small" bc once you start painting those images in your mind, I think you'll be able to change your perception. This seven of sords figure is looking in the mirrors - 7 no less - and it's like they keep finding flaws in each one of them.

You may even already have a group of friends that has helped you through some rough times. Congrats to you if you've already found a good tribe. That is probably where you want to put your focus now. I won't exclude romantic partnerships as obviously a partner can be a friend - but there is a sense of spirit wanting to say appreciate the people who have come into your life or are in your life who already hype and support you and even if you feel you have none like that, the support card makes me think that you have spiritual cheerleaders on the other side.

Also, there's a sense that spirit really wants to push you to not keep things to yourself, but to open up and share your thoughts or feelings with friends. I should say, not as in to make a friend a dumping area for rants and anything better reserved for a therapist [I'm talking suicidal thoughts, which yes reach out for help but we also have to make sure other people have space and we don't trigger them if it's serious stuff but also this doesn't mean you have to ever keep anything very bad to yourself]. I think this is less serious than that anyway, and more about opening up about hobbies and interests or getting involved in those online communities or real life ones, and IF you are looking to expand your social circle, that is the suggested way to do that. I do feel like this is a group who is happier when they feel they are connected to someone on a deeper level.

And finally if you are going through a significant decision or issue in life or if you have a friend who is and you're not sure what to do to help yourself or them, to reach out to the appropriate people or if you reach out to a friend in need, etc...

A very specific message for some is you might receive some type of (financial) support for something that would enable you to get out of a yucky situation. Such as, especially, if you are in a living situation that is unpleasant, there may be money or some type of help coming in so that you can move out or relocate.

I will also say that even if you think it's been a 1000 years and nothing good is ever going to happen and the manifestations will never come - it does seem to be coming no matter what, and IF there's a block, it's simply a belief that it's... not going to happen. The logical explanation for that - so that it doesn't ever seem a punishment and if we move one foot wrong, we lose our manifestation - I think it's more a causal thing. If we think it's not going to happen, we might not put work into it or stop at a certain crucial point or even carrying around that sort of attitude can shift things for various reasons. Like, let's say we just have a bad attitude about something AND we don't put as much effort in, we may miss an opportunity to network with someone because we weren't in the mood to talk or we didn't even attend the event... because I'm seeing a lot more manifestation or abundance or happiness IF one reaches out to others. I don't see much happening if you stay inside, all alone, talking to no one.

This card that says look at how committed you are to love can be a lot of things including your commitment to a person or relationship or a goal. It seems to be related to either home or material things or relationships given the images. Although it's interesting to note that this card has two foxes on it and you have 7 of swords.

It's a hype message reading, but for some of you there could be this also btw, maybe you have some shady folks in your friend group, but the simple solution for that one is to remove them. I don't really see that as a dominant message, I just have to bring it up because it did make me think 7 of swords times 2. But the 7 of swords has positive meanings, as well. Like, a sort of selfishness in which you put focus into what you want to work on without worrying about others - and that can just be driven energy. It can also be using all of your available resources. Mostly though it's usually holding onto feelings or thoughts that are a misconception or a level of deceit by others or lies we tell ourselves or believe in. Personally, I see this as being more in your past and having moved onto a much better place because you've found a better partner or better friend group and have learned to share more. Really, I see that foundation card as being like - don't focus on the bad, focus on what's good about you and your situation as it is and that the more you open up, the more you connect with others, the more you build relationships of mutual support, the more abundance you'll see. So yes - good folks and good things WILL come. I know it's been a long time or really stagnant. But it'll become less like that soon or it's already moving into a better place for you and to also remember that yeah it's great to have supportive friends but also be their support when they need it.

Also also... I'm feeling this now... specific again... this could have to do with family for some and not feeling like you're getting enough support from them or feeling like certain things are one-sided. Maybe it's been building up - and you can apply this to a different specific relationship - but... so I clarified the tarot and for 7 o s got 7 of p and sun so that makes me feel that bitterness that comes from waiting for a long time for a happiness/joy to come and then six of pentacles is clarified by 10 of cups which obviously is the happy happy card but in the image, it's more family oriented or could even represent nourishment from mutual relationships or sharing something. Then this card about support that looks clearly about relationships and a card with a home on it and also relationships - hence family, close relationships, partners, spouses.

So it's kind of like ups and downs in a relationship because of feeling left out or not feeling heard or not feeling supported [and maybe this building up for a time bc 7 of pentacles] or this could even be past energy and things you've already worked through. But for THAT particular situation, the message is yeah we fight and have issues with people we're close to at times because we have certain expectations of what a relationship should be like (mutual) and IF you want to work it out with these people, remember what works and what you love about them (we're not talking about abuse either, that's always BAD BAD), we're talking about tiny miscommunications... but if you've felt unsupported or unhappy for a long time in a place that should feel safe or like a home... then maybe you do need to assess the change and what can be salvaged or if it can't or if you'd feel better sharing those feelings with the other person or maybe someone in your life feels that way about their relationship with you and it should be talked about because you or someone else may be hiding how unhappy or hurt you are.

On the other side of that, let's say that everything related to 7 of swords is all in the past and you've been doing shadow work to let go of the past hurts. In that case and you're closer to being free of that and opening up a new phase, then I would still guess that you are seeing support coming in or having found communities that have helped you move past that or should find those communities that keep moving you forward. I also feel that there's something here in making sure you're committed and willing to meet the universe halfway on any goals, not just with full effort but also a full heart in which you genuinely trust the universe. Not because THAT'S THE WAY IT IS but because things work more smoothly with a positive mindset. Do you think a task gets done quicker when you don't want to do it or when you feel kind of hyped for it? You might even procrastinate on things you don't want to do and it'll never get done because you tell yourself "tomorrow" or "next week"... and that's how that works without just going "BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC" there's an actual reason people repeat phrases like JUST HAVE FAITH AND GO WITH THE FLOW it's more about perception and mindset.

But this is a group where other people seem to be a big focus for you now, lots of networking or groups being involved, especially close relationships and more than likely family issues.

And even though there isn't anything SCREAMING about love and relationships here although when you look at sun and 10 of cups it can certainly BE that your idea of happiness includes those things. So IF you have been single, there is the potential for down the road that after this healing journey, your tribe may include a family if you want that. Because this card with the house on it has pairs of couples enjoying their home and family and IF that is the endgame, the relationship feels a lot different than previous ones in the sense they'll be supportive and mutual BUT the road [to me] seems a bit longer than others' journeys and there may even be some annoyance with how long and even moments of isolation. Which as long as you remain within a bubble, I feel like you won't see that stuff you want coming in so if you're in a place that you just stay home all the time and wonder why nothing is happening - your manifestations seem tied to opportunities in which you receive things through others, etc.... but don't focus on the 7 of swords. You have Sun and 10 of cups here and a nice lovely home, so the people you want in your life or the home or the happiness in general - WILL COME. But also... keep in mind it seems to arrive based on opening yourself up or getting out there into the world again... and maybe Leo to or and/or Virgo season could be significant times for you - in gaining relationships, losing, evolving relationships or even moving. For some of you, that's moving in with someone, too.

---

Pile 2

wtf this pile is way easy to hype like mmkay. The first message I feel is to take a trip or just embrace this idea of "yes to love yes to life yes to everythiiiiiing" which is what I've been trying to do lately. Even look at this death card. Usually death is so intense but this figure is like yessssssssss. So it feels like embracing change, welcoming change, encouraging and being excited by changes happening around you and within you. This person is like thank fuck things are changing, like same energy as someone who hates winter (like the cold kinds) and is dying for spring/summer.

Go wild and take a breather may seem in opposition, and it may depend on the person as in some people relax by taking space and some people relax by doing things like outdoor concerts or festivals or trips or rowdy situations. Mostly I feel it's a combo of the both in that "take a breather" from serious life stuff by "letting go". And with this change in perspective, I think (besides synchronicity with the word change again), it's no longer fearing change or any type of negative perspective around change or transformation... there's something very empowering about this pile. And it does still feel fresh because we have a page of pentacles, so this is like a fresh new feeling or it's a very recent or soon to come change. It may even involve more than just like whee I'm more confident and optimistic and I'm ready to embrace everything and do everything and wheee.... because it could be a new relationship, new job, new project, new hobby, new trip. The pentacle card points out likely some physical change or new beginning is involved - however, it also feels a big one or a big step for you and there may even be an element of risk or relief about it. The practice compassion I'll add in too as I think this is a very light message about being compassionate toward yourself - no harsh words or thoughts about yourself and attempt to be more understanding with others.

This may be projecting as I am constantly of the belief my next person is a Scorpio-Leo combo but for maybe others.... maybe there will be or is a significant Leo and/or Scorpio either just coming into your life or coming soon BECAUSE of this shift you're putting out. It's more positive and you'll be putting yourself out there by going to things more, so you may very well ... met some people if you know what I mean wink wonk. I guess I do want to say it PROBABLY hasn't happened yet because of the future card. This is more of a prophetic moment and maybe if you want timing, perhaps Leo or Scorpio season or somewhere in between, especially during travels or an even that's outside... or even like a weekend getaway to a flea market. But for some of you I'm really getting concert vibes. Like, if that cute guy or girl or hot nonbinary individual is like yo what's up with their eyeballs, flirt back or if they come to you, don't shut them down immediately or freak yourself out or even embrace this YES TO LIFE energy and go to them. I also will say this is about your perspective on the future and not always shitting on yourself and going - this won't happen, nothing will come, everything isn't working. I don't SEE ANY OF YOU EVEN DOING THIS, like the first pile was doing some of that or did or still had some of that cynical energy getting in their way but pile 2 is like READY and there... and that attitude you're embracing is going to lead to things so big you have no idea.

I think you're going to feel more confident, maybe even sexier, some of you may (if you are interested) will have some hot sexy times coming your way. I really feel this is... soon... and.... summer... and you will be feeling so good there's no way you won't be able to attract some really amazing things or at least some amazing sex.

I think you've spent a lot of time trying to work through your shadow junk and if you haven't already felt the shift, it is coming, um... tomorrow. Oh also Cancer is here, too, so for sure - maybe Cancer-Leo times, get out there, go have fun... also if you have a moon in Leo this is a good time for you I feel... if you're a scorpio with a leo or cancer moon... anyway. You're doing everything right as far as I can see. Keep being open minded, keep saying yes to experiences, even push yourself if you need to (within reason we don't need you to do anything unsafe), but like - someone asks you to a bar and you're like eh i'm tired, maybe reconsider and go well why not. Don't force yourself ofc, but ... just consider more yes's than no's.

You're really bold, you're amazing and powerful, you have excellent prospects for the future, you have so much power, you're ready to embrace change and welcome it and I think things in your life are going to become 32423433553 less tough and complicated than they have been for like the last few years.... but still remember not to just like focus only on the future, just live day by day enjoying and saying yes and any negative thoughts or emotions that come, just... let them flow away or convert them to something positive. I feel like you already know this anyway so I don't need to tell you... And yeah I see you seeing things from a fresh perspective like the card says, seeing yourself and people differently and that's leading to all of this super non-specific gender!boss energy. Like, this is the group I expect to go to festivals out in the middle of nowhere and wear the crop tops and the go go boots and - well, anyway. It's also a very spiritual transition, spiritual awakening that's almost like a whole spiritual makeover... and again I feel like especially Leos and Scorpios may play a significant part for you this summer, too... or maybe their whole big three is some combo of scorpio-cancer-leo. Who knows. In terms of numbers we have 4 and a 6 so a lot more stable harmony coming to you in various areas of life - home, romance, personal happiness... maybe your moods or you didn't feel happy before but now it's not going to be like a mood roller coaster anymore. it's going to be just... a straight line with minimal turbulence.

Way to go!!!!!!!!!

---

Pile 3

Pile 2 has been the only real hype pile, haha, but there's always something to hype. I see elements of pile 1 in this if you were drawn to that but I also see some Pile 2 and I can even tell you why. All three piles had a message about gentleness or compassion or being more kind and understanding to others or ourselves. Pile 2 has the "just live like a knight of wands for a while" energy - and that applies here in that the cards suggest being too analytical and fixed, being too focused on thoughts instead of feelz.

So this deck oddly calls strength lust, i get it but I don't LOVE it though I love this deck. Because lust has a certain connotation I want far away from what I associate with the traditional strength card, but essentially it's more of a lust for life or kind of a divine power or that ace of wands living inside all of us. I also don't like "lust" because it is easy to associate with the devil card and it takes away that "strength" traditionally is the willpower that comes from... overcoming.

So, let's put that aside. Because on the one hand, this reminds me of Leo energy anyway like the previous pile's "go wild" and release overthinking since overthinking leads to fear or stagnation or negative self thoughts or obstacles. What I also read with page of swords and "Lust/Strength" together is that someone who spent a lot of time thinking in a way that led them to act tough or be tough. This could be the remnants of survival mode or whatever environment that made you feel unsafe and so you had to be tough or more mature, almost like YOU WERE the beast always ready to attack and dominate. So it's a two sided coin - on the one hand, yes you want to release the beast but in a free way as opposed to a beastmode bc you're always on the defensive. And that's where the analytical stuff seems to come in BUT at the same time this page of swords is new, so it's like... switching mindsets from beastmode defensive thinking where we're always being cautious and overthinking into... a new mode of thinking in which we embrace our... inner Leo... it's more of that empowerment energy.

Because 8 of cups talks about letting go of something and likely it was this mindset of being guarded or overthinking because the oracles are all very emotional and watery - we have reflect on when you experienced love, gentleness, and last quarter moon in pisces with talk less, feel more, lol. It's pretty straight forward which may mean you're the type to overanalyze for sure, like: omg they said that but what did they mean by that using that tone?

This is pretty clear though - it wants you to have more flexibility with the way that you think compared to how you were thinking in the past. Not because you did anything bad, it's just that the cards want you to see that you're blocking yourself by overthinking or relying too much on logic when the solution or direction you may seek in having a hint of which way to go is... to follow what you feel, not what you think. This is definitely a very heart over head type of message. I think it's also a message to let go of things that are overcomplicated. Some of you may have just broken up with someone or walked away from something more literal, and so there's lots of thinking and confusion or dwelling on the negative or bad relationships from the past keeping you from fully embracing new ones and what your heart wants to do that's why in particular for this pile the mind has been acting as a defense and there's nothing wrong with that because it's a way to protect ourselves from getting hurt and when you're in that energy for some time, then it takes some practice and work in order to come out of it, and that's... allowing yourself to be vulnerable, putting yourself out there, allowing the feelings and emotions to come through more than being anchored down by the mind and what the brain is telling you. Sometimes the brain can even lie or mislead, it tells us what we want to hear, when your emotions are more closely connected to your intuition and downloads or divine messages or direction. The brain is always helpful for practical matters but when it comes to love or emotions or anything related to that - then we need to follow that to kind of show us the light or where we need to go from here or what's out of balance.

I see that you're very tough, totally. Tough cookie, but when you're a tough cookie you can push away other things and I think that type of mindset served you for a while to protect you but now it's time to 8 of cups: Let it go. Say thank you to the self that kept you protected... and remember... how or what about relationships or situations can feel good when you open up or allow vulnerability. It feels good to be in love, it feels good to have someone you trust, it feels good to open up when it's a mature, reciprocal relationship. Not EVERYONE you meet is going to hurt you. Or, you'll never meet the right soul tribe or soulmate if you shut everyone out. But overall, what I feel here is allowing a shift of old thoughts where it was all about acting and being tough or just way too much overthinking and move more into that okay I'm ready to let my guard down, open up at my pace. Slowly is fine too because gentleness and water in general move... slow.... flow... there's no rush so this can be a gentle at your own pace shift. That's why I do sense some recent breakups because we're going from a confusing and heavy thoughts energy into something... more emotional and... kinda heavy as well, but it's like a gentle let go. Maybe you parted on amicable terms, but it doesn't matter the specifics just that become more in touch with how you feel and embrace it as opposed to trying to analyze it.

It's weird though too because your former mindset was tough as nails and this new one coming in is also tough as nails but it's.... healthier or should I say more apropos for the next phase in your life. I think it makes sense for mindsets and emotions to shift depending on phases and what we're going through and giving us time and space as we heal bc if we don't go through that we wouldn't be able to handle the phase after that's like okay time to let those walls down and just like be free and wild again and also remember the lessons we learned if it makes sense to do so so that we don't end up in the same cycle, bc essentially the cycle we're talking about is literally how we get to the strength card anyway? That's why i hate it being called Lust mostly bc it has such a heteronormative connotation or sexual in nature and that has its own... things not that we aren't sex positive but not everyone is ruled by sex either so I like it to sound gender and sex neutral, hmph. I suppose also what's odd about this card is that they're playing a game as if there's like a power struggle happening which is in the guidebook but I guess I just can't relate to that imagery... I don't see strength as just mentally overcoming your adversary or fears or even physically for sure bc this is all about inner strength.... and yeah you grow inner strength from overcoming battles and spiritual foes in the sense of fear or anger, etc... it's all about conquering that inner beast... soapbox aside. still relevant...

Yeah, so... you're doing great and... in the strength card, I see the work and progress, maybe even it took that type of strength to walk away from someone or something, too in the sense that you just aren't feeling it anymore and you know and feel in your heart it's time to move on (from a person or relationship or job or situationship)... and maybe to walk away you have to be... tough and mentally prepare yourself and then be gentle with the other person if you break up with them or gentle with yourself if you feel guilty. you've outgrown it and that's okay and the best advice is to just listen to your heart, act gently and with compassion to whomever is involved, but - do what you gotta do. it's time to stop just thinking about doing the thing, and actually take action and go for it. in particular, there may be some words that need to be said in this situation as well so yeah there may be some of you who have fallen out of love and need to break up with someone... so yeah those are all the potential scenarios i see for pile 3 even if i could keep going. take what resonates, leave the rest.

#tarot #pick a card #hype messages #spiritual advice #astrology #tarot reader #love #relationships #career

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