#i don't know how much any of that makes sense (it's 4am and i should go to sleep)‚ and i think most of it has already been said before

[contagious-watermelon]

is it just me or have qprs become the nonbinary of relationship types: they originally described a much-needed in-between/outside-of type of experience, but now people have forced them into a strict box that sort of defeats the purpose of the descriptor in the first place

like, there are tons of posts out there bemoaning the creation of a gender trinary / reinventing the binary when it comes to how people treat nonbinary gender — and I'm not nonbinary, so i probably wouldn't be able to describe all the nuances with that as accurately as if i were, but it does feel very similar to how people often discuss qprs —

to me it seems that people have gotten in their heads the concept of a new kind of relationship, in addition to platonic, romantic and/or sexual. but instead of taking it as "some people find this to be useful to describe their relationship dynamic. some do not. all of these people may have very similar or very different relationships; what's important is how the people inside the relationship think of it, rather than how it looks to outsiders," people have added it to the list of relationships and treat it the same way they do the others, in an amatonormative way.

(and note — I've gotten that description of a qpr from reading aromantic stuff online. so it's not like an all-consuming type issue, I'm not parading myself as the sole voice of reason or anything, i just think the view I've seen expressed and paraphrased above should be a lot more common and accessible. bc in my experience it hasnt been, enough)

like, as an example of what I'm talking about: i often see an aro person expressing their difficulties with feeling alone/lonely because they can't or don't want to do romance, and that they wish friendships were taken more seriously — and then the person they're complaining to says something along the lines of "yeah, it really sucks that people prioritize romance so much. but also, have you thought about a qpr?" as if it's some sort of catch-all solution, or romance substitute for lonely aros.

and i know I'm by far not the first person to say this, but people seem to have just reshuffled the relationship hierarchy rather than throwing it out entirely. romance is still on the top, but since you probably don't do that if you're aro, you can have the next best thing, which is a qpr. and then after that is friendship (see: definitions of qprs which imply that friends can't get married, live together, have sex, etc). when really ofc the goal should be relationship anarchy, with none of those relationships being inherently more intimate or serious than any of the others

and i think that is people's goal; it's in human nature, i think, to like things to be in little orderly boxes, with nothing too complicated not to fit within a label and everything completely describable with a few pithy words. I'm guilty of that too, obviously (autistic brain like categorizing), but i think it's detrimental to our ability to actually make any progress dismantling the whole amatonormativity thing, if we just set up a new system that's slightly nicer to all the aros who want and can find a qpr.

[casinoquartet]

okay so I would like to elaborate on a point you made on the swagdoons moments we should talk about more. Specifically the one about red knowing about the wormhole glitch. Also the whole god thing applies to this too.

Ash avoids any reference (and has lied about it multiple times IF red is telling the truth) to red knowing anything and just never elaborates when it comes to this sort of thing. Then red is just so open about it and it kinddd of sounding like he’s bragging when he talks about it. And he told no one?? 🤨 huh? Red knew sooo far back and told no one???

here is an example:

ash commented that red wasn’t in a video because his reaction to the god thing was basically: “cool.” and did not give any other details.

red has AT LEAST said twice that he knew about the god thing from basically page one (because ash told him?? I don’t know if I’m remembering right) and he didn’t hold back from the details

nothing they say lines up 😭😭😭 one of them is lying about this and either way it’s still so 🤨🤨. Why would you need to lie about it huh??? And I am 90% ash knows what red is saying and he isn’t specifically denying anything red says.

I’m sorry they are soo confusing and just making this much sense of something and to not share it with anyone feels like a felony so yeah…

THEN THE “oh I’d do so many things for you ash.” WAS JUST 😱😱😱🫵🤨🤨🤔🤨 IT WAS SO UNPROMPTED. then the SILENCE after ash said the equivalent of my reaction in emojis I just can’t anymore

also can you explain how after the matching sleeve thing ash just kept it for wayyyy too long. Is it still there??? I think it’s still there. It’s like 4am and I NEED to go to bed so I don’t think I should check. But it’s such an easy fix why is it still there it’s driving me crazy

OKAY regarding the "red knew about the plugin" thing, i'm mostly referencing this clip (51:58-52:10)

red: hold on, so did you dupe or...how did you get the crystals? ash: (hums) red: ...or did you get into creative mode, was that the plug-in? ash: no, no. (annoyed) why do you--okay just tell everyone my plan. i'm kidding, parrot just forgot to check my inventory (laughs)

if we take ash's god video at face value, he did know about the essentials plugin since august (though it is debatable if the wormhole team knew how to exploit it then, i'm inclined to believe that they did considering around a month later the comfort vod happened and ash leaked the wormhole plans 4 months early...lol). and having foresight, we do know that creative mode was necessary to get the entire wormhole exploit to work so...that's why i said it was implied red knew about the wormhole glitch the entire time

anyways, adding onto the "red wasn't in the first video" thing, here's ash mentioning it in a tweet on his alt acc, and while red pisses off (/lh) ash in the comfort vod (1:10:05-1:10:44), ash says that that is why red isn't in the video and red goes "i know"

(also i was just watching the vod where red mentions that he knew about the s3 god exploit from the very start and it's also implied here that he knew about the s4 one too?!?! he got an elytra from subz and subz, who was on the wormhole exploit team, asked him if red knew about the exploit, said never mind, and gave red the elytra anyways. red then says that he knew about the exploit the entire time so ?!?!?! clip from 1:27:51-1:28:27 btw)

ANYWAYS yeah i don't know wtf the "i'd do so many things for you" thing was about either. something is up with them. alas i'm not a mind reader so i don't know why on earth red said that or why ash keeps the cut sleeve (i'm guessing it's bc he thinks it looks cool?) but alas. swagdoons truly did swagdoons all over the place,

[vetusmemoriae]

Yan!Dottore x Reader

Author's note: Yes, another Dottore x Reader. If you know me, just saying I write a lot of M!Reader, so no surprise if it sneaks here.

Summary: You're Dottore's assistant, and with so many Dottore's you never see anyone else. But when you do, he's not happy, and he doesn't knows why.

WARNINGS: Murder (major character, don't go ahead if you like all harbingers lol), mentions of lobotomy, mentions of children (you know...), Y/n has no personality

Maybe it is that they were created for this, that they've been someone's butler for as long as they can remember, but this lifestyle doesn't seem to bother them at all.

The routine is simple:

Wake up at 6am

Make breakfast for the rest of assistants.

Have breakfast at 7am.

Help Dottore.

Maybe have lunch, usually at 3pm

Help Dottore.

Make dinner (if there's time).

Have dinner at 11pm.

Go to sleep at 12pm.

That's if it was a good day, some others they woke up at 4am and didn't get any food or anything until they went to sleep, maybe the next day, the better was at 12pm.

So why did they like it? Was it Dottore? Y/n wasn't sure, but they wanted to think that, if they ever had liberty to study or do as they please, they'd have thought of something similar to this. If they weren't the assistant or subject, they would have been the doctor. Maybe that's what he liked so much about Y/n, that they didn't get grossed or tried to escape, knowing that whatever he tries to achieve is pointless and straight up gruesome and morbid. Because they knew that if those children weren't used for experiments, they would be taken away any sense of individuality to be fatui, Y/n didn't feel to bad, just as bad as you feel for an experiment rat. They had no other use, just as Y/n: some had the luck to be assistants rather that subjects, sometimes some were both, sometimes they just died on the way.

On their job, they left their mind blank, not hearing the screams, and only the orders of the boss telling to bring him the scalpel or to get rid of the body (though that job was usually his clone's). The assistants that when on doing paper work were the ones that lasted the less: they got too much papers, and usually got them mixed and that made everyone's work slower, and that's what none of the Dottores like: slow work. So everything had to be fast, little thought, just fast and sharps actions, and you were the best in that.

Every Dottore wanted some time from Y/n:

'Y/n! Come help me with this ruin guard!'

'Y/n! Come get me my surgery instruments!'

'Y/n! Go give this to Landa!'

It was, stressful, but at least they understood that, while Y/n was working for one of them, they couldn't work for the rest, because they did it as fast as they could and as perfect as a human can. No words, just actions, and Y/n forgot what their thoughts were about the experiments, what they wanted in life: their mind was now the one of a robot, and sadly, the body the one of a human.

That's why they were desperate the day Signora died. Y/n knew it was day of mourning, but after breakfast they stood at Dottore's lab, waiting for an order on what to do.

'What are you doing here, comrade?' A ginger was in front of them.

'I am sorry, sir. I am waiting for instructions.'

'Don't you know we are mourning? We won't work for a day.' They were silent, looking at the floor, confused. 'That psycho made you think everything's work...' Childe took your hand. 'Come on, I'll teach you how to have fun.'

'Yes, sir.'

Y/n followed Childe to the inner garden, were he showed them how he made a sword out of his hydro vision. Shortly after, the sword froze, turning into cold ice.

'Here in Sneznaya it's like I have a cryo vision, all water turns into ice so fast... But it's really cool, just weird when I leave.' They didn't answer. 'Cat got your tongue?'

'I just don't think I can share anything.'

'Whatever you think.'

'Maybe... I don't know... What should I think?'

'Wow, it's even worse. I know that you had to be reeeally bad to work for Dottore, but it's like he did lobotomice you or something. Wait, did he?'

'I don't know, I don't have any memory of him hurting me, or... no, I wouldn't say he did.'

'Well, you look as if he did.'

'Is it a bad thing?'

'Well, yes, at least for me. I guess that for Dottore it's just convenient.'

'Should I change?'

'For your own sake, you are no longer yourself if you can't even think. Someone already said that...'

'Why am I to change then? All due respect, if I can't be what Dottore wants of me, there's nothing.'

'I can't think of a single reason to like Dottore' Childe noticed something. 'Wait! You asked yourself why you had to change! Dottore didn't lobotomize you, you are just straight dumb!'

'I am sorry...'

'No no, that's great. If you are dumb Dottore can discard you, and I can get you.'

'Am I late to something?' A voice asked behind them both. Dottore was looking down on Childe. 'I believe Y/n was waiting for me on the lab, right?'

'Hey, they don't work either' Claimed Childe.

'I didn't know assistants were at the same level of privilege of harbingers, Tartaglia.'

'You may say that about your subjects, because they will die either way, but assistants were assigned to us, and they are not property.'

'Well, Y/n is. Come with me.'

Y/n stood up to go with Dottore, but Childe took firmly Y/n's wrist before he went away completely. Dottore looked at Childe without any sight of anything but disgust. The doctor waited for Y/n to do something, anything, but Y/n was there, motionless. Was he thinking? Were all the things he do to Y/n in vain? Childe took Y/n closer to him, but they didn't move.

'Looks like they're having a bit of a conflict...'

'How wouldn't they, when they've been poisoned by your ideas of "freedom". They know what is right, that is to go with me, and wrong, that is to go with you.'

'What's all the fuss about?' Arlechino entered the garden. 'Did they do something wrong?'

'Dottore doesn't let him fulfil his right of day of Mourn.'

'Dottore, leave the boy alone, they have the right decreted by the Harbingers to have half free day.'

Dottore left, not saying anything and with Y/n by the other two harbingers fate.

'Tell them to stop or I'll take care of the matter myself.'

'Thanks, Arlechino!'

Childe left with Y/n, and they still didn't understood why was it such a problem to be with Dottore or not. They didn't understood that Dottore went even beyond on that one, but it was no big deal for Y/n, he just didn't understand what it meant a free day and still had some curiosity.

*

Childe was with Y/n all day, showing them around the palace and a bit further, explaining a lot of maters he knew little, but more than Y/n. Some of that knowledge wasn't even for an assistant, but he felt grateful and powerful after making Dottore leave.

It was the next day weird things started to happen. Y/n woke on time, but on Childe's bedroom, yes, on different places, but what the fuck were they doing there. Why was he still asleep. Y/n got close to Childe, but before there was anything on sight, they saw Dottore at the feet of the bed, cleaning something.

'It was bout time, you've always woken up right at time. Can you help me clean this?' Dottore was without his mask, red, carmine eyes looking at Y/n while he offered a scalpel. Y/n took it and started cleaning it with his shirt. 'No, with water,' Y/n was confused, there was no water there. 'lick it.'

And when they did, they noticed the taste of metal, there was blood on that scalpel, and there was blood on the couch, and on the floor. Y/n stood up to see a body inside the sheets, with a big red stain at the height of the pillow. Y/n looked, no expression on their face. But they were not happy, neither were they sad.

'Is this my fault, sir?'

'Your fault?' Dottore stood right beside Y/n with a smile. 'I wouldn't say so, you were just a bit confused. He was right in some things, you act as lobotomized, and there I thought you were really by my side... But I can't blame you, dear, I would never blame you, but I can't say I am not disappointed on how easily you went along with his games... He did good there in Liyue, but their time was up, he should have already knew it when they took your wrist. Anyway, are you finished?' Y/n gave Dottore the scalpel, fully clean. Y/n had no words, but no thoughts either. 'Maybe I was a bit too rough with you...'

'I am sorry I did disappoint you.'

'There's nothing to worry about, dear.' Dottore took Y/n's hand placing a light kiss on their knuckles. 'I will make sure you never disapoint me again.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AAAAAND THERE'S THE CLIFFHANGER!!! Did you like it, I had so much fun writing it that now my keyboard is kinda squeaky, it's weird. Requests are still open by November 17th so id you want to have something written go ahead

[electricaquarius]

Broken Glasses

Alright, another BG3 fanfic that hit me at 4am and wouldn't let me rest until it was written. This is again my self insert Tav, Joanna. She wears glasses, like me, and gets them broken. This has much more overt Gale/Tav although nothing spicy. It also has a ton of Astarion and Gale interaction because making Gale mad gives me such joy honestly.

'... Shit. Oh, this isn't good.' Squinting as best she could, Joanna held up her glasses, snapped clean in half at the nose bridge and with a giant scratch stretching the length of the left lens. A mistimed manoeuvre had a goblin's fist meeting her jaw. Nothing was broken although she was sore and a little dazed. Her attention, however, was entirely on her broken glasses which Gale also noticed after a moment. 

'Ah. I'm guessing those were more of a functional piece than a fashion statement, correct?' 

'Yeah, I really cannot see without them, like...' Joanna held her hand about an inch from her face. 'That's how far I can see before everything gets blurry,' She shook her head. 'What do we do now?'

Gale helped her up and thought for a moment. 'I should have something that will have these brand new, but that would be back at camp. I could accompany you?' The thought of having her alone was indeed one that gave him great pleasure but something that he decided shouldn't be dwelled upon. It was far, far too early for any overt flirtation, and besides the point, she was vulnerable right now. So, of course while he was considering the best course of action, Karlach bounded over in her typical way.

'Hey soldier, what's up? We need to get moving!' She clapped Joanna on the back and then realised something was missing. 'Gotten rid of the glasses? Shame, they looked cute on you.' 

'I wish I'd just taken them off, but they're totally broken. Look.' Joanna produced them once more and sighed in irritation. 'Gale was saying he'd be able to fix them back at camp, but... well, I'll need someone to be my eyes until we get there. I'm practically blind without them.'

'Ah shit, bad luck. No worries, I can get you back quick.' Karlach without hesitation picked up Joanna and positioned her over her shoulder. Gale counted his blessings that neither could see his expression as he knew it'd be a picture. 

Joanna gave a yelp of surprise mixed with a little delight and clung on for dear life. 'A-are you sure this is alright? I won't be too heavy for you to carry all the way back? I can walk just fine, really.'

'Nah, you're good up there. This'll be quicker, too. Karlach gave her a pat on the back then turned in Astarion's direction. 'OI FANGS! WE'RE GOING BACK TO CAMP!'

Astarion froze at the sudden noise, completely ruining any attempt at stealth he had while picking through the remains of the ruined village. Not that there was much need to sneak around when the place was completely abandoned, but one could never be too sure who, or what, was lurking. 

Taking his time, he sidled up to Gale sensing there was an interesting morsel of gossip considering their darling leader was now being carried off by Karlach. 'So, what's the reason behind our sudden retreat? Karlach overcome with passion for our dearest Joanna?'

Gale could tell he was being toyed with as it certainly wasn't the first time, but he couldn't help taking the bait. 'Goblin knocked off her glasses, you know how bad her eyes are. We need to go back, and I'll fix them.'

'Oh, and I bet you were just a shade too late, weren't you, Mr. Of Waterdeep?' Astarion laughed. 'I can see it now, "Oh don't worry my dearest Joanna, I'll hold your hand! I'll lead you through this treacherous forest and protect you from whatever might harm you!' He brought the back of his hand to his forehead in a practised swoon. 

'Would you shut up? I really don't know where you get these ideas about me.' Gale muttered darkly, heat rising in his cheeks. 'Did you find anything useful while you were sneaking around at least?'

Astarion shrugged. 'Some lockpicks, a mostly unbloodied pair of boots, nothing special.' There was a pause as they walked in silence, watching Karlach carry Joanna ahead of them by a few paces. There was a peal of laughter and Gale grew visibly tenser, hands balled into fists. Astarion gave a small tut of annoyance. 'You academics are all the same, you know. Spend forever and a day fantasizing about what you would say, how you'd wow them, but you never *do* a damn thing.'

'Is there any particular reason you take joy from irritating me? I don't need your approval for what actions I choose to take.' He really was close to breaking point and he knew it. In the short time they'd known each other Astarion knew exactly what to say to get under his skin, and worse. 

'Honestly, it's the most entertainment I can get around here. You're all so disgustingly dedicated to doing 'the right thing' that pushing your buttons is the easiest way to while away an evening. Don't get me wrong, you're not special, you just always rise to my bait.' There was a smirk spreading across Astarion's face and Gale could hear it in his voice, didn't even need to look at him to confirm it. It was funny, really, Gale had never considered himself easy to rile in life before this tadpole business. Still, something had changed since the nautiloid had scooped them up, and he didn't even need to name it. 

Gale had resigned himself to silence as the safest course of action when Astarion opened his mouth again. 'I don't see what your big issue is. If she felt the same way about me as she clearly does about you then I'd have had her already.' Completely false, of course but it had the desired effect. Gale stopped dead in his tracks and turned to face Astarion. 

'One more word from you, a single breath more and I swear I'll unmake you right here. Tell them you got carried off by a rogue ogre and it left you in a state even a revival scroll won't fix.' His voice was low and grave, mostly to stay out earshot of the two women ahead. 

'Oh Gale, I knew you really loved me!' Astarion batted his eyelashes. 'You mistake my intentions, wizard. I'm just utterly sick to death and unlife of your pining act. Quite frankly, for a man your age it's pathetic.' Astarion turned on his heel and they both continued to walk. 

Camp wasn't far from that point and they arrived to see Joanna placed by the fireside catching up with everyone about her eyeglasses situation. She greeted Astarion and Gale with a smile, although she had to squint to figure out which blurry shape belonged to who. Gale gave her a nod and immediately set about finding the scroll he needed. He was glad of a moment away, it allowed him to clear his mind from the earlier... unpleasantness. He tried to brush away Astarion's words entirely, but they clung to him like a particularly stubborn barnacle. Was Astarion interested in Joanna, or was that a fabrication just to rile him? He hated feeling like he was being forced into some kind of love confession, it just simply wouldn't do. Gale himself didn't even know if that's how he felt about Joanna, and that was all the more reason to be cautious. 

Finding the scroll he placed her glasses in front of him and, with a flash of light, they were in one piece again. He emerged from his tent to hear the tail end of a conversation. 

'... and you're sure I wasn't too heavy? I really don't want to have hurt your back.' Joanna was still quite giddy from having been picked up and carried for the first time since she was a young girl.

'You worry too much, soldier.' Karlach rolled her shoulders and plopped herself down next to Joanna. 'All the gear I carry around for you lot daily and you're only now worried about my back? I'm made of stronger stuff than you'd know.' She flexed theatrically and then laughed to herself. 

Gale cleared his throat to make himself known and Joanna turned her head, once again screwing up her face in a squint. 'Oh! Gale, did you fix them already?' 

He knelt next to her and produced the glasses, round lenses with a gold frame that suited her perfectly. 'I did indeed, they should be exactly how they were before their unfortunate tumble.' Joanna had her hand held out but Astarion's earlier teasing had it's effect on him and he was feeling far bolder than he usually would. Leaning forward, he placed the glasses on her face himself, lingering for just a moment to appreciate being so close to her and watching a faint pink blush spread across her cheeks.

'So? Can you see alright?' He didn't want to pull away at all, but to suddenly force her into such an intimate situation just because of Astarion's teasing wasn't fair at all on her. 

'It's perfect, thank you Gale.' She smiled, heart still thundering in her ears from how close he'd gotten. 'You really saved me today.'

Saved her, hm? Yes, Gale decided. He liked the sound of that a lot.

[aramatientediada]

So, I started to use antidepressants

Since depression is the main topic in this site I decided to share my experience here.

My psychologist said to me see a psychiatrist or general physician for medicine prescription. In the public health system we have to talk with the general doc to get a specialist anyway.

I asked for psychiatrist and the doc offered an agreement, he'd give me a medicine and if it don't work in 15 days then he'll refer me to the psychiatrist.

He didn't give any detail about the medicine, besides to take it once a day.

I meet with the psychologist that day. She reacted to the fact that the doc prescribed a whole pill instead half and she make it very clear I have to take it in the morning and only in the morning because it gives me "disposition".

I took it 6 am and then read leaflet (I know I know but I tent to trust the doctors). So, NOBODY WAS GOING TO TELL ME I CAN'T DRIVE OR OPERATE HEAVY MACHINES WHILE USING THAT? I mean, I don't drive, but I have license so... I might.(!)(?)

Don't you hate it when you take a medicine for a thing and the side effects include that thing? I had this experience with others medicines before, but at least with the allergy one it made sense.

Somewhere between 8 and 10 am I started to VERY SLEEPY. Where was my desired disposition? I also felt other foreseen symptoms, like much mental blurriness and a bit of nausea in certain moments.

High, I was high but without the "good part" of feeling high we get with alcohol. Only the bad part.

This all got some better in the evening, but before the nigh I was very sleepy again. Probably something to do with I woke up before 4am?

Now is the next day. I hold my sleepiness and only went to bed around 9 or 10 pm but wake up by myself before 6. Which now that I look at it was a very good sleep time.

I wake up with residual sleep, but with a bit of "disposition" . Still a bit of that "bad high" feeling and The Confusion™.

Disobeying medical orders I took only half pill today, now lets see how the day goes.

At this moment you must be asking "But what about the intended effect? What about what really matters? Does it work".

Yes... and maybe.

I don't know how far it's actually working or is the placebo effect. I was actually feeling a lil better since my psych said to me ask for medicine. And a lot better having the prescription in hands. It's what Lori Gottlieb mentioned in "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone", the hope for a "cure" that makes us fell better for itself. (Hope actually has great medicinal power according science)

I can say that while physically I'm feeling a lil trash, emotionally I'm... perfectly normal!

Which is a humongous upgrade!

Not more that psychological enormous pain, that despair, that dread of living. Even though all the things in my life that make me fell worthless, in danger, without future, hopeless, powerless are still there!

Now those thing are just bothersome things that exist, but no more thing that make me want to cease exist every time I think about 'em.

I feel as wanting to unalive yourself is not a feeling, neither a desire or any natural part of the brain but a malfunction! Ok ok, we know the depression itself is already a malfunction, but I'm talking about the will to end yourself.

I'm not feeling a super love for live, that sweet feeling of wanting to live, but neither to stop living. And I don't feel that only the feelings and rationalization that give me suicidal intention were vanished, because they weren't (completely), but the intention itself is unable to exist.

Bad though are just bad toughs and nothing else, not triggers.

Is this how normal people feel? Is this how the people who never want to end themselves feel even when everything is terrible in their lives? Is this how they can fight back?

What a delicious feeling, I wish I could have it without the sleepy and nausea.

[uncxntrxllable]

@wexarethewalkingxdead sent:

//How hard is it for you to approach new people you want to interact with? //Stranger making small talk, yay or nay for you? //Does knowing the other mun make writing threads easier or harder? //Should people be nervous to send you things at all?

How hard is it for you to approach new people you want to interact with? It depends... Some people I click with really well right away and other people I feel like I'm just annoying them. I rarely follow people first, at least lately. It's kinda hard to say, I mean right now it's really just my social battery is very low. Normally I'd usually try to send memes if there are any that make sense (aka for my muse to say to theirs), or respond to an open, like a starter call. I used to message people after they'd follow me (and I follow back) to say hello and mention that I'd love to start up a thread or that I am excited to write with them, but I've kinda stopped doing that because a lot of people often took that as me having plot ideas and I absolutely do not, giant stress, so I have for the most part stopped doing that. I guess I'm like, ish? At it? Consider this part of my ever-WIP-communication-skills.

Stranger making small talk, yay or nay for you? I'm answering this strictly for online small talk. And even then I still suck at it and "small talk" just doesn't make much sense to me, it feels pointless and so awkward and it always goes nowhere. Just yell at me about your muses or our muses or about the new muse you're thinkin' about or send me some funny memes or tiktoks or pictures of animals. Like what even is small talk? I'd rather get a random message at like 4am about some random new headcanon about your muse.

Does knowing the other mun make writing threads easier or harder? Neither! We can barely talk at all or only in hashtags of our replies and I'll still have a good heckin' time. Or we could be yelling at each other about the latest weird meme I just sent you and same energy lovin' the thread. I don't really feel it makes much of a difference for me.

Should people be nervous to send you things at all? Absolutely not, ya'll, I'm a potato over here, do not be nervous you can literally come into my messages and start yelling at me about your muse or whatever and I will vibe with that energy. Legit you can send me six messages in a row I will not be phased, I'll in fact be happy that I am the chosen one. Just come at me. Tag me in random ass starters, send random ass memes in the ask box, message me to ask about a thread or a ship or literally anything, literally anything, send me a picture of your cat. Or your dog, or your ferret I don't care, if it's an animal send me the picture. Come at me full throttle.

[blindedguilt]

|[ Leonard and Caim. Because reasons. ]|

YOU ALREADY KNOW MY ANSWER TO THIS, BRI.

Alright so to note before anything I had a literal essay typed out and ready to go at about,,, 1???? AM???? The night this was sent

but then I forgot mobile Tumblr hates me right now so I hit post and lost it forever 😔

Then I wrote this but fell asleep in the process at about 4AM and woke up the following morning, and after days of working on NOTHING else on Tumblr but this, finished it after a lot of on and off work (I was still resentful and petty about losing my first one), and am praying the gods won't get in the way of my thoughts on this because good LORD

I've tried to include everything my original post did (albeit a lot less messy) but....

So to start, whoever came up with the idea that a ship is "good" based off of how pleasantly compatible and not toxic/problematic the people involved are is a fucking liar

I don't talk a LOT about shipping given the nature of this blog and that the topic doesn't come up very much??? At least on Tumblr lmao

But what some people might not know is that while I'm someone who believes that literally everything and everyone is inherently,,, "pairable" (It feels better to say than shippable), no matter how little they've interacted or how unconventional/potentially problematic may be, I am also VERY picky about shipping to where there's only been a handful I've ever really been invested in (2 OC pairings, 2 pairings involving canon characters) and the rest I usually bump off either for taking up feed space and not really caring or not being slightly moved at because my brain is picking at it too much.

Whether I like a ship or not ultimately comes down to two things:

1. Is the dynamic THERE? or are the two characters just trope fodder

When it comes to the happy couple, power couple, sunshine/grumpy, etc. etc. I DO enjoy these tropes, but more often than not they end up being boring for that being next to everything about the characters themselves. I'm always eager to know stuff like what drew them to each other and continues to draw them to each other, what caused/how their previously established dynamic was able to evolve to where it is now, what fuels their particular dynamic, and ofc their own established characters outside of it. I don't often indulge in romance-type things outside of those campy us romcoms from the 00's but I've seen a few very forgettable couples in media (I won't blame Disney for being targeted more towards children, but you'd expect more out of couples like Cent and Two ESPECIALLY for that's more or less just "They're in love!" And I'm just,,,, yeah. that's been established 😭

2. The actual portrayal of the ship. My autism brain is VERY stringent about this, literally you could have everything what was just discussed and if it doesn't stack up in a way that really makes sense, it will stick in my mind like an itch I can't reach and I likely won't shut up about it for the next month.

I dunno how to explain it, when you have a certain pair/set of characters (Who are made of differentiating backgrounds, circumstances, etc. which may affect them in different ways), and they gradually get to understand/learn more about each other as time passes and in turn grow some semblance of a bond/care as humans do to the point it could be deemed a romantic(?)/intense enough "bond" that could manifest itself in any which way depending on what's been established in those characters backgrounds, how they already and HAVE interacted with each other, their current circumstances, etc. etc.

Sometimes, especially in a darker piece of media like Drakengard, the way they manifest as a "ship" or "pair" isn't always a conventional or even healthy so much as it is a result/consequence of those raised emotions and their bond. When I see something that should stack up to be toxic or potentially even twisted and problematic be written as something undeservingly sweet and "cute" it gets under my skin like nothing else. Like differentiating Nabokov's Lolita, which is an absolutely GUT-WRENCHING book about CSA and the effect it has on the victim later on in life, and lolisho circles, which are.... Yeah. It's also why the all too popular good girl/bad boy trope gets under my skin for how often it's just putting up with a guy's shitty behaviour and then him magically changing at the end to "justify" it and ughhhhhh you know the spiel

ANYWAYS, WITH ALL THAT ESTABLISHED. THEM.

I think what really strikes me most about Leonard and Caim's whole relationship without even considering shipping is just how much there is to compare/contrast, like...

As far as differences go, they're nearly polar opposites in just about fucking everything, resulting in the all too well-known clash in personality we like to write lmao. There's a lot to be said in these two different aspects of their characters, like the spontaneity/suppression, deflection/guilt, revenge/recompense, fighting to live/fighting to die, sadism/masochism, reckless bravery/reckless cowardice, and it's goes into their backgrounds as well, with Caim's upbringing in royalty and Leonard's likely in peasantry/coming from the general lowerclass before even his life as a hermit, and even in design (the blond/brunet contrast is a VERY popular design choice in a lot of fiction, usually with the blond being established as the "good conscience"/more naive/comic relief/etc. of the two and brunet, ironically, usually being an established lead or main character with more of an idea/maturity/so on in contrast.)

And while it's easy enough to just say opposites attract and use that as argument enough, what I think really would pull them together as far as shipping is concerned is much more in what they share in common (what little they fullheartedly understand of each other) in contrast

The biggest points I think are definitely sharing the role of older brother, which Caim (at least, I think, you'll have to tell me) kinda carries more subconsciously and/or at the back of his mind while consciously going "Older brother? Oh yeah... That thing. That's the thing I am" and Leonard eventually carries both consciously and subconsciously down to his very mannerisms (And of course, mainly in my Leonard's case where these smaller scenes are more relevant), often adopts that role of caretaker to just about anyone and anything whether he knows it or not — Seere, Arioch, Caim, etc...)

What REALLY interests me between them is their shared background, though. The thing Caim and Leonard both (possibly?) really know or at least have a hunch about is that both of their family was lost to the Empire. And THIS, whether it's actual knowledge or just a hunch, I think is not just the general basis for the two of their characters, but is largely the stem for the friction between the two.

To explain, it's mostly their role/perceived role in the tragedies of Caim's parents/Leonard's brother's that makes for their character schism — The difference between action, in Leonard's case where he's thinking "If only I hadn't done that" and inaction, in what I'm guessing is Caim's case, where he (may) be thinking "If only I had done something". Whether either would have actually changed anything aside, I think that whole action/inaction perception being what led to their families' deaths in this occasion is largely what leads into the people they are by the time they meet, of course, but also like

It's the reason they're so tense with each other in the sense that, at either's core, they see in the other exactly what led to their losing everything to begin with. And being near that is terrifying for them, whether it's Leonard's apparent indifference towards life or the prospect of wanting to live digging up that sense of "There's a threat and I need to do something about it" or possibly some insecurity about the lengths he takes that "Fight" between the fight or flight response for him, or if it's Caim's apparent insensitivity that brings up a sort of reminder not only of what he did as far as involvement in his brothers deaths, but a terrifying glimpse at the callousness and harm he could cause by just... Not caring for anything but himself.

So naturally, seeing a far much worse version both of what they could be and in a way, what they were stemmed from just about the same circumstances nonetheless is a major contributor to their issue with one another. A giant case of seeing their own insecurity/fears reflected in the actions the other's taking specifically to avoid their own past "fault" and going "How can you be as foolish as I was at what was more or less the only point of similarity in our lives?"

So this is where it gets into actual shipping talks, and MAN

im so sorry it took so long lmao

But explaining it in the case of shipping, on top of the growing fondness for people who are placed in these kinds of survival and/or traumatic situations being a thing that humans tend to do, like... It's what I just explained as that mutual fear/agitation with each other is even somewhat based in a vague fondness (perhaps not as personal) in not wanting to see their tragedy reappear again.

I typically believe that when developing attractions beyond anything platonic, the more you see of people and their humanity beforehand, especially in stressful and/or potentially lightening situations, the quicker you end up getting closer to each other (or at least, from one side you might) ESPECIALLY when you can play a part in helping and aiding another's life yourself for both ends. I kinda mentioned it earlier ofc to but I also think that ESPECIALLY when it comes to fictional ships, the way those feelings grow is (or maybe, should) be like growth of their pre-existing feelings of what's been established already — Growing more intense and/or obsessive with perception of a person of interest, and changing with understanding — that is, assuming they want to change/understand.

A looooong long time ago you mentioned the idea of Caim's growing violence towards Leonard the more he realises he might care (gods forbid), and honestly, that's exactly it — it comes together PERFECTLY for all the points mentioned earlier. There's not much I can say given it's mostly been throwing darts at a board for ideas and seeing what's just "neat" and what looks like the headlights of the train that may or may not be approaching to run us over but the other thing I can really pick at is the "unrequited" aspect which is where things get messy but veeeeeery interesting

I mostly see this on Leonard's part, given he has not only a few ✨pre-existing conditions✨ (to put it mildly) and what he feels for Caim I think may be a platonic/familial fondness at best, or downright terror and resentment at worst. It was briefly mentioned a while ago, once again, the idea that Caim, who generally grazes as he pleases and is ever the conniving little lad, may try and approach him out of convenience (I imagine both as a quick and easy way to dodge anything serious while also, of course, getting that a vague sense of satisfaction/fulfilment from it?) And generally depending on exactly how this is done, Leonard's full-hearted involvement is spotty at best

The chance of him actually returning or even understanding that he's an increasingly obsessed-over object of "affections" (however you may like to call them) is very low compared to him just,,, going along with it as most shit that happens, either citing the whole "fix him" bit himself and taking anything that happens afterwards as "punishment" fodder into his ever-evolving guilt complex. Where it could go from there is generally a mystery, but there's one thing I'll say: I don't think the general thing will be pleasant lmao and im not saying that negatively, mind, just the opposite

SO.

Would it be unrequited? Most likely.

Would it be toxic? Definitely.

Would it look a little like this cursed-ass video I stumbled across on YouTube that hasn't left my mind for three days? We'll have to see.

But most importantly — It's INTERESTING, the dynamics are there and always have been, and it goes without saying I don't have to worry about your portrayal skills in the least. 20/10.

I am begging for a Caionard sweep this summer please you don't understand 😭

[wispered-dream]

Maybe Tunnel Vision is the full explanation tbh, makes more sense than anything catastrophic

That I am ever anxious that it could be catastrophic means that it is always catastrophic so my anxiety should be ignored.

Can't imagine why I'm so severely neurotic

Ignore the catastrophically awful, and then when you're sensitized to fear ignoring it because of Reasonable Logic, continue to say 'my anxieties are not real'

I can never trust when I am in danger, nor trust that there is anything I can do about it

I don't feel surprised that Clear Dangers with Obvious Solutions are comforting. "Making Mistakes" with consequences that are MINE, that are REAL and DONE BY MEEEE, is so comforting.

At least those have Potential Benefits - Fun, Experience, Joy. They're WORTH IT. I can look at those Scars with fondness and peace.

The Scars that fester and worsen, that I've been told over and over and over and over are never real, and should I fear them, I need to remember:

It's all in my head.

But it's not. There were many people who could have said something other than "it's just in your head" or "it's okay to feel scared sometimes" or "you just have to ACCEPT that you're anxious sometimes!"

No one was willing/able to ask 'why is this child terrified'

Bad Children cry in class all the time, and are disruptive. Bad Children go to the clinic too much to escape chronic headaches.

Bad Children Fail Their Tests because they weren't paying attention. Bad Children Fail Their Tests because they fall asleep in class, because the only time they ever feel safe is when their parents are asleep.

Good Children stay up reading until 4am because they are So Smart. Good Children Shut the Fuck Up, and take notes they know they aren't going to remember. Good Children know that they need to stop doing things to get sent to the Counselor, because she'll make everything worse.

Over and over and over

The Bad Kids understand. Of course, I'm not one of THOSE, it's just weirdly where I fit in. All of their parents are ECSTATIC that their kid made a friend with a Good Child :)

:) I teach my friends the BEST websites to pirate games, the BEST ways to talk to friends that parents can't notice in search histories.

They Get It. I don't know what 'It' is yet, and I won't for a very long time. I GUESS I'm a good influence, fine, yes, tell my parents how HAPPY it makes you that I 'Fix' your Broken Kids. Gives me more excuses to get out of the house, that I am USEFUL to someone.

Because I Get It. I know what we both need. And I know how to make it look like we're giving you what you want.

The Good Kids never Get It. They already have what we don't. They can't even begin to imagine not having that, and don't know what it's like.

They try to Get It sometimes. Often they are Kind. And they want things to be better.

But they Run, or Flee, or otherwise recognize that something is wrong with you. Maybe something you'll infect them with.

The Bad Kids don't fear it. They're already infected.

And their parents LOVE that you can "Cure" them.

Is it any wonder you HATE claims that Harmony is LOVE?

When you know Harmony is Silence, Harmony is Rejection. Harmony is "only good vibes".

Harmony is Shutting up the Dissonance. Harmony is Adapting, Lying, finding whatever Oasis you can that will let you live in peace.

[nyxopenjournal]

It's almost 4am and I'm still awake which means Thought Brain has turned on and I feel sappy which makes me emotional. Alternatively titled: Can't Sleep

Life is difficult and sometimes it's extremely hard to manage. I'm going through one of those. But I think I'm starting to get a tiny bit more hopeful about making it through. I don't think I'll necessarily be happy or get what I think, in this moment, I want but maybe I'll find a way to be content with what "is" instead of wishful thinking about what "isn't." I'm really trying to accept things as they are and not push further bc that always leads to me hurting. My depression fog that I've spent the last 5-6 months in is finally beginning to clear & I noticed that today. It's funny bc the thing that made me realize it is bc I guess I had been subconsciously paying attention to the way the grass grows and I'd never noticed it before. (The grass grows weird). And today I commented on it lol. I've been too preoccupied with my sadness to pay attention to anything like that. Grass growing. I'm still sad. I can't lie, most times I ignore it or it feels hollow & far away to a point where I can avoid thinking about it. But it is there. I can't do much about it at this point in time for several reasons but I'm chugging along. I'm trying to accept that others' happiness doesn't have to include me. And accept that that's okay. I might not be a lifelong person. I don't know anything about the future and not knowing how things will turn out is the bane of my existence bc my brain plays "what ifs" like they're game show topics for a prize. The prize is usually I end up depressed bc of my own train of thought. Trying to learn how to balance distance with care. What's the right amount of energy to give to a topic? How to be less "all or nothing" about everything. There has to be a balance or I'm gonna just make myself suffer for the rest of my existence and quite frankly, I've suffered enough. I'm tired of it. There are things I wish for that I've convinced myself are impossible. It's too late. Missed opportunities and such. That's been playing on repeat in my head. There are a lot of things that I'm told or I see that don't make sense to me and how I perceive the world, but I've also become the person who is so scared to ask questions. I didn't used to be like this. I'd question everyone and everything until it made sense to me. Now nothing makes sense and I'm always confused and I'm scared to ask. What sense does it make? It doesn't. But. It's where I am right now. I didn't used to be afraid about how big my thoughts were or how much I had to say or how many tangents I went on about a topic, but now I'm scared to say more than a couple words in fear of being annoying or convincing myself whoever I'm talking to doesn't care. So now it's just simple, dulled down thoughts. Which is unfair to myself honestly bc it's not like I've suddenly begun to have less complex thoughts and questions and feelings. I've just suddenly become overly terrified of sharing them so they roll around in my head until I have a breakdown. Outlets are nice. It would be nice to have a person to talk to but it's my own fault that I'm here right now. No one else's. I have to accept that. Maybe the part of my brain telling me I'm just not good for people and will inevitably fail at any platonic or romantic relationship is right and I should give up trying to pursue either. But I also still crave it so what do I do with that? It's not like I get it either way. I'm too scared to talk to people. It's been this way my whole life. I wish I didn't crave it. I didn't used to. But the older I get the more I do. Idk what to do with that. It's just where I am right now. I doubt it'll change. It's not like anyone is looking my way. I'm just floating around on a rock till I die. Epic.

[tamakng]

anonymous asked : What do you think of Kyoya and Tamakis relationship

hello, thank you for this question as i am always happy to gush about these two to be quite honest ( as you can see by my massive amount of threads with @selfshadows​ 😆😆😆 ) ! okay, so, i think tamaki’s relationship with kyoya is one of his most important relationships. kyoya was his first friend his age, and he’s his best friend. kyoya is so easily one of tamaki’s favorite people. he’s the person tamaki will turn to find if he hears something funny or interesting. in fact when really much of anything happens, kyoya is the person he’ll look for. oh, is there something you don’t understand ? ask kyoya. are you worried about something ? don’t worry, kyoya will know what to do, or he’ll just listen. the host club is on fire ? obviously you can call kyoya, he’ll know exactly what to do. kyoya has tama’s complete trust, you know ?

kyoya is in every sense of the word, his guide. obviously, kyoya was the one who showed him a more accurate depiction of japanese customs and culture than what he may have learned from his father’s attempts to paint a more grandiose picture of japan with his lofty stories or dramas. but it’s also important to remember that kyoya was also the one who showed him the absolute joy of having a friend on his level — not a tutor or his parent but a friend that he can see eye to eye with. like the part in and so kyoya met him, where tama first pitches the idea of the host club, and kyoya just says something like “sleep first and dream then” and just steps on him. and then tamaki just breaks into laughter ??? that !!! that moment is something he wouldn’t have found before in france, someone so freely speak their mind and shoot down such a ludicrous idea so quickly without any coddling, like a best friend would !! and even before that with the kotatsu, kyoya was like “those are for the winter if you want to sit under one of those come back in then.” that’s a gift !! being able to have someone so close to you that you could just say anything to and know you’ll hear their unabashed opinion. like, if tamaki’s a balloon, he can be sure that kyoya will be the one holding the string in place, bringing him back down to earth. tamaki depends on him.

that’s not to say that kyoya doesn’t depend on tamaki. i don’t think tamaki could have a relationship where he wasn’t at least a little depended on. he has to find a way to help those he cares for, it’s absolutely necessary. tamaki is rather perceptive when it comes to emotions, when they aren’t his own or directed toward him most times. so, usually, he will be the one to urge kyoya toward the direction of introspection, may it be rather blatantly, like in the episode, and so kyoya met him, or not as blatantly, like in the sports festival arc. this is usually to kyoya’s annoyance, but tamaki isn’t scared ( for the most part ) to muscle through that annoyance in order to help his friend realize that it is okay for him to freely choose for himself not based on the expectations of his family or whoever else may be around him.

their partnership strikes an equal balance, and because of that, they both just depend on each other so much. i just love them so much, okay ?

[luvrlixie]

KILLING ME SOFTLY

【REQUESTED】 - OKAY OKAY SJDBJSISH I WAS GONNA REQUEST A SKZ SEEING YOU IN THEIR CLOTHES OR SOMETHING BUT THEN I STARTED THINKING ABOUT BINNIE SEEING YOU IN SHORT SHORTS AND HIS SHIRT WHICH IS LIKE HUGE ON YOU (ALSO THIS MAN IS DEF A THIGH GUY) AND MY MAN GOES F E R A L. SO. YOU LET HIM RIDE YOUR THIGH <33333

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tags: changbin x gn! reader, soft dom reader, thigh riding/dry humping, very soft, exhibitionism????????? idk they aren't alone in the dorm but no one walks in. not a lot of smut sorry y'all </3 mostly just sappy emotions.. but still nsfw... lit rally wrote at 4am and don't feel like editing lmaoo

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"seriously binnie! if you're gonna spend so much money on clothes, you should at least wear them. you have so many cute sweaters and the fact that they're collecting dust in the back of your closet is a crime."

changbin sat up and peered over the back of the couch as you entered the room. he was ready to shoot back a snarky comment but his words died on his tongue as soon as he saw you.

you stopped by the studio to visit him earlier, where he and the rest of 3racha were working on a track for the next album. you hadn't planned on staying long since you knew your boyfriend would be busy. but about 20 minutes after showing up chan was ushering everyone else out of the room, claiming that he had everything he needed from the other boys for now and that they both deserved a night off. any worries you or changbin might have had about chan overworking himself were immediately replaced by the realization that the two of you would finally have some time alone.

and that brought you to where you were now. standing in front of a blushing boy, wearing shorts and a long shirt of his that completely hid said shorts. you had decided to change after your boyfriend proposed that you spend the night. (at the time he was excited for movies and cuddles, but now it was an offer that he was starting to regret as he could already feel himself growing hard). the shirt you wore was one that changbin never put on due to it's size, he didn't think the whole oversized clothes style was really his thing.

but holy fuck it was yours.

"you uh- you look good."

changbin swallowed and you squinted. he was always a sucker for you wearing his clothes, but it was still odd for him to be turning so red just from seeing you in an shirt of his. luckily it didn't take long for you to notice the way his eyes wouldn't meet yours since they were focused on a different part of your body. you couldn't help but let out a little giggle. seeing you in his clothes might make him weak, but his biggest weakness was your thighs. he'd never exactly talked about your thighs in particular, but it was something that you had picked up on as your relationship progressed. you couldn't help but notice how changbin was always making sure to leave little marks on the inside of your thighs, and would jump at the chance to lay between them when he got sleepy, and how he would often pull out just in time to paint your thighs with his cum.

"like what you see?" you asked playfully as you took a few steps forward so you were standing in front of him.

"like what i- fuck yes... you're gonna be the death of me y/n."

you hummed in amusement, loving the affected you had on your boyfriend, and tangled a hand in his hair so you could guide him forward and let him press kisses on your thighs.

"mm seriously, on my gravestone it's gonna say your name after cause of death" changbin breathed out as he happily trailed his lips over your skin.

"that makes it sound like I murdered you, I'm not a fan of that"

you stood there for a few more minutes. finally moving away once you sensed that changbin was growing impatient. although you loved making your boyfriend beg, now was not that time for that. even though you moved to sit down next to him, changbin whined when you stepped away. knowing you, the poor boy was worried that you were gonna make him suffer through the whole movie with a boner. however, you had much different plans in mind for tonight.

with a smile, you slid a hand between his legs. "such a pretty noise, that little whine. wanna make it again for me?"

changbin's mouth went dry, he opened it to say something but nothing would come out. how were you always able to make him speechless? he did want to make that noise for you again. he wanted you to coo over how cute he sounded, but not here. not in the living room with minho still tucked away in his room, and with hyunjin and seungmin who were expected back at any minute.

"please, please let's go to my room. I need you."

you shook your head and started palming at chnagbin's crotch through his sweatpants, making his body go slack. "shh baby it's okay, calm down. I was just gonna let you grind against my thigh, let you get off like that. we'll be fully clothed so if anyone walks in it'll be pretty easy to play it off as cuddling or a makeout session."

that seemed to be all the reassurance that changbin needed. the way you were touching him paired with your soft voice was making his head spin. all he was focused on now was making you happy and chasing his orgasm. not even a second went by until he was moving onto your lap so he was facing you and straddling one of your legs.

"there you go! good boy."

you helped him settle into a comfortable position and pulled him close so his chest was pressed against yours and his face was buried in your neck. as changbin started to move his hips, you continued whispering words of encouragement and gentle praises since you could feel how tense he had gotten. changbin hadn't exactly done this before. and although the whole thing seemed rather self explanatory and he had gotten off by rutting against a pillow multiple times, he felt a bit self conscious with you watching his every move.

"It's okay bunny, there's no right or wrong way to do this. just whatever feels good." you whispered soothingly into his ear, catching the nervous look in his eyes and the way his movements kept faltering.

it was silly of him to be nervous, he realized. the safest he had ever felt was with you, and over the course of your relationship you had both tried out plenty of new things together (both in and out of the bedroom). thigh riding? this was nothing, you had certainly seen him in much more embarassing situations. so changbin nodded and finally started settling into a steady pace, trusting your words entirely.

every drag of his cock elicited a soft ah sound from the dark haired boy. luckily, you didn't have to worry about him being too loud. he was vocal and made plenty of noise, but always quiet whimpers and soft choruses of "oh"s. you could get him to be loud if you wanted to, you knew how. for now the tiny noises he was making was more than enough to satisfy you as you played with his hair and peppered his forehead with kisses. "there you go bun, bet it feels so good huh?" as you spoke you pressed your leg upwards, applying extra pressure to the whimpering boy's cock. the gasp he let out made your eyes widen in entertainment and you repeated the action, taking pleasure in how he squirmed everytime. "keep going little slut, don't slow down. doesn't my bunny wanna make a pretty mess for me?"

"m-more'" changbin panted.

normally you'd chastise him for not saying please. but right now you honestly couldn't care less. you just wanted your boyfriend to feel loved. wanted him to be as proud of himself as you are of him. so you smiled and pressed your leg up again, hands gripping onto his hips so that you can help guide his movements. "that song you were working on when I visited sounded so good. I know you've been working so hard on it. you're so talented baby, so amazing." changbin let out a sort of strangled noise and tightened his arms around you, pulling himself as close to you as he could get. the absence of words didn't bother you. sometimes changbin babbled on and on while you ruined him, telling you how good he felt and how much he loved you. while other times he just clings onto you, settling on a variety of whines to communicate. both were good.

as the familiar tightness grew in changbin's body, he focused on following the push and pull of your arms. if it wasn't for you guiding him he would have entirely lost his rhythm. knowing that your boyfriend was getting close, you started bouncing your leg and kneading his ass with one hand.

"changbin.. binnie, hey. c'mon let me see your face" you softly prodded, waiting for him to pull back. when he did, your heart squeezed in your chest.

he was so beautiful.

his lips were parted and his bottom lip was glossy and red from biting down on it too hard. his hair was sticking out in a few places, and his eyes were so full of pleasure. you could tell from the glassy look that changbin wasn't entirely present, his thoughts were elsewhere.

"m'gonna..." changbin slurred, hips twitching and back arching. you caught on immediately and softly grabbed his chin to make sure he didn't hide his face again, you always loved to see his face screw up as he comes. this time was no different.

"good boy, good boy let it all out for me"

you helped him ride out his orgasm and leaned forward to kiss him. not even caring that the kiss was messy and mostly just teeth since changbin was panting far too heavily to give you a proper kiss. when changbin's orgasm had finished washing through his body, you let him crash back into your chest. as you waited for him to catch his breath you rubbed his back and buried your face in his hair, giving him time to compose himself before talking.

"I love you binnie"

"..love you too y/n ... but seriously you're way too hot ... gonna die from sexiness overload"

[amethystpath-writes]

Love Potion/ Love Spell

Original work

Love potion/spell

******

"Oh my god; I'm in bed with Villain," Hero said as she jolted straight up upon seeing the body beside her. She looked down at herself. She was still clothed and she found herself being somewhat disappointed. Still, Hero muttered again, slightly happier than before, "I'm in bed with Villain."

There was a shuffle in the bed. Villain turned onto his other shoulder, peering at Hero, only able to see her because of the moonlight which flitted just between the blinds. "That sounded less concerning than the first. You almost seemed to be scared of being in bed with me. Should I be worried?"

A chuckle slipped from Hero. "No, I just- we- I'm- and you-" She laughed again, this time due to her spluttering mess of words. "I can't believe I'm here with you. I feel like...like this is something I've wanted for so long, and now- I mean, I'm- I can't believe I'm in bed with you now. It almost doesn't feel like I should be here."

Villain reached out, took her hand, and brought it to his lips. "Believe me, dear, you're exactly where you are meant to be." He asked, "Did you have a bad dream, my sweet? You seem offset."

"I- well, I don't know actually." Her eyes became squinted. She left her hand in Villain's. It felt warm there. Comforting. How had she never thought of holding Villain's hand before? "I can't remember how...How did I get here?"

"Is there something wrong? Should I have one of the medics come down and-"

"Medics? No. No, I'm fine. I just-" Hero took her hand back so that she could hold her head, as if that would help her sort out the puzzle which was her mind. "I don't understand what's happening. The last thing I remember...we were fighting and- and I don't know what else. That's all I remember."

Villain hummed, scooted closer to her, and took her back into his arms and chest. "I'm going to go make you some warm tea. How does that sound?"

She nodded. "Tea sounds good." She leaned her head against his shoulder. Hero couldn't say why she felt so comfortable with him in this moment, especially seeing as her last memory was of the two of them fighting. But being warmed by what heat he put off now, being held by him, and having him kiss her hand...It all just somehow felt right, like they'd always been like this with one another. Maybe it really was possible that she dreamt the fight.

But then why didn't she remember anything before then? Why couldn't she recall laying in bed with Villain before? Why could she only remember throwing fists at him that he easily caught? She didn't remember taking a liking to Villain. But it was clear to her now as she let herself be embraced by him in a bed they obviously shared that they liked- maybe even loved each other. Hero felt guilty, not knowing why she loved him. Something was wrong with her. There had to have been.

What happened next both shocked and delighted her. Villain grabbed her chin lightly, despite his always-calloused fingers- and turned her head so that he could capture her lips. He didn't force the kiss on Hero. He gave her time to pull away, but she didn't. Hero wanted the kiss. She leaned in and let him kiss her, just as she kissed him.

Villain released Hero and began scooting off of the bed. "I'll be back with your tea. Honey, not sugar, right?"

"Yeah. Lots of honey." She smiled at him, but before he walked through the door, she asked, "Did something happen to me?"

"What do you mean, darling?"

"My memory. Why don't I remember anything?"

Villain sighed and gave a mock smile before coming to the foot of the bed and sitting just in front of Hero's feet, which were still beneath the comforter. "I was hoping you wouldn't ask so soon, but I guess it makes sense you would. Missing memories is a hard thing to miss." He looked towards the window and Hero swore she saw tears glimmering in his eyes.

"Supervillain, he- uh- finally managed to capture you." A broken, aggravated laugh. "Wiped away nearly all of your memories until you were just this- this vessel without any purpose." Villain swallowed, put a hand over where Hero's feet were. He looked into Hero's eyes and she felt her heart throbbing faster. "Supervillain left the ones where you and he fought but- but he-"

Did Villain sniffle just now?

Hero listened as he continued to explain. "He replaced every image of himself with me. Made it so that you could never fully adjust back to your old life with me because...because every time you look at me, you'll see this- this absolutely abhorrent monster that tortured you. But I would never do that. Okay, Hero? I would never hurt you."

"Have I ever- Have I ever tried to attack you before? Because of my messed up memories?"

Solemnly, Villain nodded. "But it's okay. I know why you do it, and I don't blame you."

His hand squeezed Hero's feet. In a reassuring way, she thought, Not a cruel one. Hero hated that she had to tell herself this. Did he ever do that and Hero think he was going to hurt her? She hoped not.

"I'm going to go make you your tea now, alright?"

Hero nodded after a deep breath. Tea fixes everything. It seemed Supervillain let her keep that bit of knowledge at least.

***

While Villain went to get her tea, Hero began pondering. Memories were flipping through her mind, all of which being how Villain said; he was the enemy in them all, and he always hurt her in the most brutal of ways.

A part of Hero considered Villain actually was an enemy. How could he not be with all of these memories? Well, that was easy, really; Hero loved him. And she wouldn't love him if he'd been the enemy all along. Maybe she couldn't remember how she came to love him, but it was evident in the way her heart sped up when she realized she laid beside him, and even more when he began to speak to her.

But what if the increased heart rate was because of an embedded fear? Not from Supervillain, but from herself. Wasn't it possible that Villain was responsible for her loss of memories?

No. No, because then why would he leave such horrid memories of himself? To make a story.

No!

Hero couldn't make up her mind. It was being pulled in so many directions, producing so many thoughts at once that she couldn't keep up. She needed to think about what she knew.

So what was that? What did Hero know that was concrete? The only thing that came to mind was how much she loved laying beside Villain, how she loved the warmth he put off, the way he gave her pet names, the way he held and kissed her hand. She loved Villain. That was true. Which meant that his story had to have been true about Supervillain.

But what if-

The door creaked open and Villain stepped in with a mug in hand. He came to Hero's bedside and nearly set the tea on her nightstand, but he seemed to notice Hero's distraught face.

"It's happening again. I can see it."

Hero hummed her confusion.

"You're questioning things again. It's okay; I get it." His feet shuffled for a moment and Hero could tell he was trying to think of what to say next. "Listen, I'm going to leave you to your thoughts, but if you have any questions, or you need reassurance or whatever, just- shake me awake or shove me or something. I'm here for you, Hero. Alright?"

"Okay." Hero nodded for what felt like the tenth time this night- or day. It has to be at least 4am right now.

"Oh!" Villain exclaimed quietly, holding the mug. "Go ahead and have a taste real quick." He handed the mug to Hero, explaining, "I wasn't sure if I added enough honey or not. Or maybe added too much. The water was an amber colour after I was done squeezing that bear." He chuckled and Hero took a sip.

"That's- wow. Yeah, no. That's good. That's- gosh, it's perfect. Remind me to always have you make my tea."

Villain smiled. "I would be happy to. I'm glad you like it." He rounded the bed, sliding in under his side of the blankets.

Hero whispered rather sleepily after setting her tea on the nightstand, "Goodnight. I love you, Villain."

"I love you, too, my doll." He pressed a delicate kiss to her forehead as she rolled over to face him. When she closed her eyes, he satisfyingly closed his own.

[cherry-gemz]

Summary: This is a continuation of the movie Before We Go and my interpretation and imagination of an A/U. Brooke is you (Y/N) and Nick is still Nick :)

Prompt: "Just admit that I'm right." for @the-ce-horniest-book-club Drunk Drabbles for Nick Vaughan.

Pairings: Nick Vaughan x Y/N

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: <2k...is this a drabble still? Oopsies XD

A/N: I watched this movie for the first time just last week. It's now one of my top 3 Cevans movies! While I'm all for a romantic, serendipitous, spontaneous trope...much like Before Sunrise *no spoilers*, the ending was great, but I wanted a different spin. No pressure...yah, right! Either way, hope you enjoy xx.

Tags: @thesecretlifeofdaydreamss @tonystankschild @a-little-counter-esperanto

****************************************************************

You sniff and rub the end of your coat sleeve with your nose. Had to be the chill in the air, you thought. Not the fact that you just spent the most amazing and life changing night with a man you just met hours before and it was ending.

You stare out the train’s window; the gentle hum of the cart gliding across the steel tracks echoed in your thoughts. You shook your head in thinking that you made a mistake. I should have stayed...I should have told him how I felt…

“Nick. It's you again. Listen. I want to give you one more piece of advice. You're gonna be playing one night... Grand Central... thinking of every reason in the world to not go see the girl that broke your heart. Then, you're gonna meet somebody. And now, at first, she's gonna seem… icy. You're gonna know right away she's trouble. She's gonna take all your money. You're probably gonna get punched in the face. But stay with her; you're gonna need her a lot more than she needs you. And at the end of the night, you're gonna want to say some things, but don't. Don't ruin it. It's nothing she doesn't already know. Just give her a kiss. Wish her good luck. And thank her. Thank her for showing you that you can love more than one person in this life.”

He was unbelievably charming. You said so yourself. His raw talent with the trumpet was beautiful and different from what you were used to. The suburbia of the Boston bubble was what you were forced to live in now. You were from London, you were cultured and refined. Sure things with Michael were exciting at first, but the ho hum of the daily diatribe of routine became loathsome. Dépaysement. But you still never wavered in your marriage. Unlike Michael who had crossed that sacred line and lost your trust. It wasn't even fully the physical aspect that he went to another woman. It was the intimacy of telling her his deepest desires and then some that hurt the most. That he would want to share that with anyone else but you. But tonight. Tonight was what made you see clearly.

"It's possible, isn't it? It's possible that you could meet somebody who's perfect for you even though you're committed to somebody else," you asked as you bit your lip.

"No, no, see, I think if you're committed to somebody, you don't allow yourself to find perfection in someone else."

You found yourself blushing and cupping your cheek in thoughts of Nick. He was right. The whole night was a cluster mess of you trying to get home before Michael so you'd be able to throw away that wretched note. That he'd come to his senses and forget Linny. That he'd realized he was a fool and you'd start over. Just like old times.

However, slowly that feeling of reconciliation faded away little by little as each hour in the city passed. You couldn't pinpoint it exactly, but somehow the scrappy trumpet player Nick Vaughan etched his way into your icy heart and left an impression and stayed.

His fluffy, dark hair - so soft and inviting for you to rake your fingers through it was enough to drive you mad. His scruffy beard, which tickled when you kissed. You already loved ghosting your palms over it softly and imagined being able to do it whenever you wished. He said earlier into the night you weren't his type; you scoffed, but we're annoyed that it bothered you. You were a classic model of what guys were into, looks wise. Sure, your attitude was what rubbed some people the wrong way, but Americans really were too sensitive.

He however...he was the full package. Every toothy grin, wink, and full hearty laugh. He was addicting. He was a dead ringer for a heartthrob, but you also couldn't hate the guy for it. He was the friend you'd call to bail you out of jail at 4am and the boyfriend that you could see settling down with. It was nauseating really.

And then his lips. His soft lips...you can’t believe you kissed him in the hotel room. And then again at the train station. But you would have kicked yourself for not doing so in the first place. The way your fingers interlaced themselves on his terry cloth robe, how desperately you wanted to press your body against his. All you wanted was for him to feel that burning need within the apex between your thighs and extinguish it all night. But it was more than that, he was what you were missing. But you were kidding yourself. You weren’t running to Michael, you were running away from Nick.

But why? Because of the unknown? Because he actually knew who you were deep down inside? How could a man you barely knew, change you? Change what you thought was true, what you thought was love?

You dove your hand into your wool jacket’s pockets to push any thoughts of self-doubt, when you realize there was a piece of cardstock. You were puzzled to find it and immediately smiled in recognizing the hotel survey card. You bit your lip as you read down the survey questions one by one and notice Nick’s handwriting at the bottom, ‘turn over’ with an arrow.

Curious you turn over the hotel card and he’s written the word ‘yes’. Yes? You furrow your brow and contemplate further what he would be saying yes to. You think about the night - the time at the bar, helping him with Hannah, when you went to the psychic reading. Yes? What in the world - and then you turn the card back over and realize that on the second to last question it asked “Will you be likely to return?”

None of the boxes are checked, but he’d written ‘yes’ on the back. Yes. Yes he’ll return? Where? To the hotel? But when? You look up and rush to think about stopping the train dead in its tracks to return back to Grand Station. You breathe out heavily and come to terms that this isn’t a movie. He’s not chasing you down the tracks, jumping on the train to find you. Or is he? You wouldn’t put it past him. The whole night was filled with serendipitous concourses, this would be icing on the cake. You dart your head around to see if he’s in the cable car. It’s like in every rom com movie ending, the man of your dreams will be right there. He’s somehow charmed his way into boarding the train and found you waiting like a princess in her high tower. The train car is dark and bleak, only a few passengers are riding it as it’s the first route to Boston on a Sunday. You peer over to see if he’s in the next cart, but alas he is not. You slump in your seat and rub your thumb methodically over his words.

"Have you ever had a feeling that somebody was going to play a major part in your life?” you ask.

“Yeah."

“Do you know the most interesting thing about hotel art? It's what's on the back.”

It’s then you realize you have to return to New York. This story wasn’t about you and Michael anymore. No, it was about the man who selflessly helped you while you were in need, not only at your dire hour, but metaphorically as well. This was meant to be. You were meant to miss your train, break your phone, and meet the handsome man named Nick Vaughn. You knew he’d still be in the city because of his audition for the day with Duke at least, if you could just get to him somehow...

*

Your knees bounced as you sat on a cushioned chair in the hotel lobby. You had planned to wait there all day, but then realized the $13 train ticket was your only way of providing you security back home. So you went home. Confronted Michael. Cursed, cried, and then relief rushed over you as he had read your letter and how you knew about the affair. How you wanted to throw fists on his chest and tell him how much you hated him. But once you saw him, you found it didn't matter to you anymore. Someone else was worth fighting for. Your marriage was over. The hatred and spite you once had for your husband had dissipated. Your world didn't end like you thought it would. This wasn't your only chance at love. You were choosing to be happy, whether it was with Nick or not. This was the first time you were going to jump without having a net.

And Nick was wrong. Michael didn't want to work things out, he was coming to tell you that he loved you, but that and he'd be returning to Atlanta for good. The house, car, everything was yours: Nick said so himself, you gotta be okay with not being okay. So you walked away. You made the choice just like the psychic said and took it in stride, you faced the music.

However now you found yourself back in New York. Not the once stranded woman at a crossroads less than 24 hours before, but the woman that made a choice. You were worried that Nick would see it as you running away again. Running away because Michael didn't choose you. But in reality you didn't choose each other.

Still without an ID, you took your car and better against the four hour drive to the city and hoped a cop wouldn't pull you over. You thought of the night in the hotel. The laughs, the closeness you two encountered. The playful and cheeky way he could make you feel seen. You were starting to get nervous, what if he doesn't show up? What if I missed my chance?

"I'm an idiot," you murmur to yourself. "I can't believe I'm here."

You stand up and realize there Nick was there in your path. He looked a little worn, obviously from staying up all night. But he had changed and showered from the looks of it, and his signature trumpet case held in his hand.

"Well look who it is. The biggest loser in New York."

You laughed and blushed at the sight of him. He slung his trumpet case over his broad shoulder and walked over to close the gap.

“Just admit that I’m right.”

"Admit what?" You ask as you find yourself touching his jacket sleeve.

"Admit that you couldn't get enough of me." You hitched a breath from his words.

"You can say that."

"I can't believe you came back," he responded. His blue eyes gazed into yours as he brushed away a tendril of hair from your face.

"I read your answer to the survey...on the back."

"The stay did exceed my expectations and I did say I would return," he smiles.

"And here you are."

"Here I am…" he pulls away slightly as he's reminded that you're married.

"I jumped," you replied.

He's taken back by your statement and furrows his brow.

"What? With what?"

"I told Michael it was over."

"Wow. I'm so...sorry, Y/N."

"Don't be. You said so yourself, at some point it was time to face the music."

He nodded, absorbing the information.

"Say what's in your head."

He shook his head and grinned,"I'm just glad you came back is all."

"Yeah? How'd you know?"

"I didn't. Just sure as hell hoped you would."

He intertwines your fingers with his and holds tight. Like a missing puzzle piece found, your hand fits perfectly with his.

"Whaddya say we get out of here?"

"What do you have in mind?"

"I may know a place," he smiles devilishly and gives your knuckles a kiss.

You grab his dress shirt collar and turn him towards you. He runs his hands through your hair and places his lips upon yours, kissing you deeply. It's a kiss so passionate, so perfect - that after you part, neither open your eyes for a few moments afterwards and he embraces you tightly.

"Good, because I'm not going anywhere."

[sapphosvioletts]

i just saw something that said "knowing i'm loved and feeling loved are two different things" and like maybe it's stupid that this one quote has impacted me so much but it has. like i never realized this and now i can't stop thinking about it

my friends and people in my life tell me all the time that they love me and care about me, but i never really feel it. and i always feel really guilty for it. and i realized that the times in my life where ive actually felt loved have been the happiest, and even with the same people in my life, i don't feel that anymore. like i don't feel loved anymore, and in turn i don't feel happy

and i guess it just all makes more sense now. there's a difference. like i know im loved, but i don't feel it.

and i don't blame the people in my life. they all are really busy and have their own stuff they are going through, i should be the least of their priorities or worries. and at least they still tell me i'm loved. but i just don't feel it, and it kinda hurts

i feel like i do everything i can to make the people in my life, especially my friends feel loved. and i feel really selfish for it, but it hurts that i don't really get to feel that. and i can't say for sure that my friends feel loved or that what i do has any affect on them at all, but i really try. like i wake up early so i can talk with or send encouragements to my friends in different time zones, even as early as 4am sometimes. then i go back to sleep and wake up at a more reasonable time for my time zone, which is when one of my really close friends lunch is so we can hopefully talk. and then the rest of the day is just like texting encouragements to all my friends during their breaks from school/work because i know they'll see them since they're on break and have their phone. it feels like my whole life revolves around trying to be there for the people i love in my life, all day i'm only thinking about when they'll text me back or how they're doing. literally my day is spent just waiting for them to respond. like my whole day is structured around it. i try so hard to make others feel loved, and i just feel like i don't get the same amount of effort put in for me. and i hate even thinking that because like they all have their own lives, they have work and school and all of their own shit they are having to deal with. so i feel like kinda selfish honestly for it and i feel bad because they all already go through a lot as it is. but i just feel like i give out so much love, or at least i really try to, and i never get the same effort in return. and it hurts a lot

so yeah long story short came to the realization being told i'm loved isn't the same as feeling loved and it broke my brain and i figured out why i'm not happy anymore and i really just want to have the same effort given to me in return lol

and also i just got a journal finally, so hopefully you guys won't have to deal with my vents cause now i'll have another way to like get them out there and make it feel like i'm actually being heard and it's going out into the universe or whatever. idk my logic is weird i don't understand it either lol

but idk maybe this will help someone else who struggles with the same thing, it's really one of the reasons i'm even posting this. maybe it will help someone feel less alone and heard, and give them something they can relate to. i know it probably won't mean much, since this whole thing has been about how telling is different then feeling, but i do see you and i understand, and i love you very much, and you are very loved. i never want anyone to feel unloved because it's the worst fucking feeling in the world, so whatever i can do for anyone, any of followers or anyone who reads this, please feel free to come to me, my inbox is open and anon is on. and while i can't promise i'll respond right away, which i do apologize for and feel really bad about, just know that i do see you and care a lot about you, and i'll try my best to respond as soon as i can and do whatever i can, cause no one deserves to feel unloved and alone <3

[rorodawnchorus]

C-drama rec: 《我在他鄉挺好的》 or Remembrance of Things Past

The literal translation of the title is "I'm doing fine in this place away from home." But I think the English title was well chosen and quite relevant to the core of the series. It's only 12 episodes (which is too short when it's such a good one!). I'll try to give away as little spoilers as possible.

[TW: Suicide]

Before anything else though, I'd like to add a very big trigger warning of suicide because the series opens to the scene of a girl jumping off a bridge. This girl is one of the 4 main characters; her name is Jing Jing. The series then follows the story of these four characters with them often recalling memories of Jing Jing as they stumble through life in Beijing city. Their struggles are very relatable and perhaps all too realistic. If you're looking for a feel good, escapist story that will lift you up, maybe this isn't the one. But I can tell you it's a great drama with well-written characters and a realistic and sensible plotline. Also, I ditched every other series I was watching just to watch this.

(Where to watch: Links at the end of post)

If I were to liken this to any other story that I know of, this series does remind me a little bit of the book by Celeste Ng, 'Everything I Never Told You'. The 3 characters and also one of the male characters grapple with the trauma of Jing Jing's death. For the 3 female characters, they're Jing Jing's closest friends and also one of them is her older cousin sister. (In China, as I've observed, cousins tend to be addressed as their own siblings and some of them do share very close bonds.) The story follows these characters as they go on with life but also each episode reveals a little bit about what might have led to Jing Jing's death. They realise how much they do not know of Jing Jing and each episode, they discover something or someone they'd never known. It prompts its audience to think, you may know someone and you may think you know everything about them but things may just turn upside down when you least expect it. And you won't even know what went wrong, who this person that you love so much was, and how people left behind deal with the trauma.

One of our main characters, Qiao Xi Chen (Qiao), works in the marketing department of a coffee company. She works hard when she has to, is very competent and smart, and is very confident in her work. But office politics throws things off balance. She then gets into a series of unfortunate events. The first one being swindled of her half year rental fee which she gave to the agent. She was kicked out of her house and it's honestly the most horrible and terrifying thing to lose a place to live in overnight. For those who might have rented rooms or houses in cities, you might have had some experience that are bad or your worst living nightmare. I personally have had a series of those. Her story is also very relatable for young women who live alone and work in a big city.

Jing Jing's other best friend is Xu Yan and she works at a company's customer service department. All day, she deals with phone calls of grumbling customers complaining about the products. She sometimes have to deal with calls from customers who speak with a heavy accent or dialect but she does her job pretty well too. However, her story arc is less relatable to me personally. She has an unhealthy obsession with branded handbags and items. She and her boyfriend are the typical "Moonlight Clan/Generation" who barely manages to have any savings because they're spending on rent, bills and all the miscellaneous luxury goods that are trending. She struggles with her self image because of her work environment and feel pressured to keep up with fashion trends or a lifestyle that she can show online. I don't think it's inherently wrong to want to pursue such a life. Enjoyment and leisure can be very different to many people even if it doesn't appeal to all. She may appear a little childish but she isn't actually hateable.

Jing Jing's cousin is the oldest in the group and they all call her "Nan Jia jie" (older sister). She's an entrepreneur who started her own events management company in Beijing. She's 35 and she's pressured by her mother to quickly get married. Problem is, her mother thinks she should just get married to anyone (literally ANY MAN) who is willing to marry her. She also considers purchasing a house but property prices in Beijing are impossibly high and she barely manages to put together money for her first instalment. I think we're living in an era which has made property ownership impossible difficult. And capitalism may still want you to think that you must own a house, this may not necessarily be the case anymore.

I really like all the tiny details of this story. The way everyone finishes work late and each go their own way because sending your colleague home at 3 or 4am across the city would mean you basically do not get sleep (like you might as well just stay in the office), or how you live further away from your workplace because you can't afford a place nearer. The commute to and from work during rush hour. The list is endless. But this feels like a story that is close to the hearts of many, it tells the tale of the average salaryman living in a metropolitan city (especially in Asia).

It's the kind of drama that will leave a mark on me for life, and in a good way. I feel like part of it is already engraved in me. The cast is also doing great at stringing you along in sharing their emotions (I don't think I've cried this many times at the very beginning of a series). The writing and pacing are all great. Characters are also very well written. I do have some qualms with certain characters and their actions but... Not too big and they aren't grave sins.

I also don't think they're doing the best job at depicting trauma of witnessing a suicide and dealing with the aftermath of the suicide of a loved one but, to me, it's handling these issues quite well. At least the story is indeed about them coming to terms with the suicide of Jing Jing and them trying to make sense of what led her to this end.

Where to watch Episode 1:

Remembrance of Things Past - MangoTV

On their Official YouTube Channel

[annetteblog]

I got a very long ask and wrote even longer reply, and now Tumblr for some reason doesn't want to publish it through asks. So I'm making a separate post, because what else can I do? 😀 I hope Anon wouldn't mind

Hi!

Thank you for such a long ask! I really enjoy replying those, although it may take some time to actually write whatever I have on my mind 🙂 However, I feel like for every question that you posed, it's possible to write its own big reply or even an essay, so this piece of mine probably won’t give them justice (but I’ll try my best.)

As usual, one big IMO.

1) Ethics, “gueer coding” and discussions

I believe I’ve already partly touched this subject here. Shortly, I think that everything the boys did (and still do) had its own purpose. They decided to put these "undertones" (or whatever one may call them) in their art. They made some statements with a very small room for interpretation. And it didn't happen once or twice. More like, it's been a consistent behaviour throughout years.

I don't buy this excuse some fans write - "oh, he just didn't know about this/didn't understand how it looked like/didn't..." So apparently, JK wasn't able to figure out shit about Troye, didn't give a damn about his GCF, didn't think how his tattoo looked like; JM didn't realize to what conclusions could lead his quite bold words about 4am or waking up and seeing JK; both of them didn't have second thoughts about the Black Swan dance; Bang PD is just a CEO who pays zero attention to BTS in general and KM actions in particular (which sometimes actually backlash, e.g. that stop gay fanservice thing after the Seoul concerts), because he clearly just doesn't care AT ALL; whatever PR service they have in BH is just asleep all the time... Etc etc etc, you got the idea

Well, if one wants to perceive JM, JK and BigHit as a group of complete morons with no brains, this "oh, they just didn't know" explanation may work. But if all of them were idiots, how would BTS become the biggest group on a planet? They are smart enough, deal with this.

And YET. KM still do what they do. It's their choice, so apparently they have their motives. You wrote it yourself too - "Jikook and BH put out all that stuff for a reason."

Keeping this in mind, I truly think it's fair to discuss queer undertones or KM's bond. It's meant to be discussed and speculated. They made it public, and they continue to make it public (and quite obvious, to be honest). Why? Well, I guess they want us to speculate.

From here comes the second point

2) Art and its interpretations

In general, I believe that any good art should allow various interpretations. That's what a good piece of art is supposed to do - provoke a thought. As well as it's quite customary to analyze and (sometimes) overanalyze art. Thousands of universities worldwide have programs which are focused on fine art, literature, theater, music, film, etc.

And why is it okay to write about Avengers or Madonna or whatever weird art you're able to find in the closest Contemporary museum (like a banana taped to a wall), but not okay to interpret BTS' songs and/or performances? Again, I strongly believe that art is meant to be discussed. Especially as cool as theirs 🙂

Actually, some popular fandom theories turned out to be true here. Since Spring Day release on Feb 2017, fans speculated about its connection to the Sewol ferry tragedy based on the song's lyrics, MV and choreo. We got this confirmation like when, December 2020? But before it was also just an interpretation.

Coming back to KM. Combining these with the idea that JM/JK/BH clearly know what they're doing and how it may look like, I don't see a problem in having various interpretation of their art. Including queer ones.

3) Escapism

Isn't all art targeted to escaping in a sense? We want to take a break from reality and/or mundane life or just gain some new experience. In this sense what's the radical difference between staring at pictures or sculptures in a museum, watching a movie, reading a book or scrolling through Tumblr reading BTS/KM centric posts? All of these are means to escape and entertain ourselves.

As for this "if they are a queer couple, is it okay to derive pleasure and 'what a beautiful love story' feelings from two members of systematically oppressed minority?" - and you would prefer doing what - ignoring them? pretending that they don't exist? 🙃 In case if they are a queer couple, I guess showing support and benevolence is even more important. Exactly because, as you mentioned, they are a part of the oppressed minority. And the hatred is/would be definitely in place.

4) Fanfiction

Oh my, what a controversial theme these days.

Firstly, some forget it was not invented in the 21st century. Even slash fanfiction (cough Star cough Trek). As for incorporating real people, it's been a part of literature for like what.. always? There are millions of different writings about emperors, nobles, military figures, lives of saints, etc. And it's not like personal opinion of people in question bothered those, who write or wrote about them. I clearly remember a scene in Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace, where Alexander I [Russian emperor 1801-25] after losing a battle against Napoleon, hits a birch tree with his sword while crying hard and just being kinda hysterical. Would real Alexander be satisfied with such image if he read the book? Idk 😄

About having "the right to comment on such [different from your own] experience". I suppose, if authors wrote only about what they had experienced, our literature would be 95% poorer than it is. How can one write books in historic settings if they didn't live there? How do books about future and space travel exist, if we live in 2021? Is it needed to be a part of mafia to write about mafia? What about other cultures? Should an American author write only about American people and American lifestyle or it's fine to have characters from other countries?

Writing is not about experiencing something and then making a fanfic or a book, it's more about research and compassion. If you have reliable info on your theme and are able to look at the world using different lenses, why not?

I don't perceive fanfiction as a worldwide evil. Sure, there are creepy examples as well as authors, who write fetishizing weird shit. But it doesn't mean that all fanfiction=bad and all slash fanfiction=objectification of male homosexuality. Fanfiction is just one form of fiction, it can be good or bad based on how it's written. But the label itself doesn't define anything, as well as reading it should not be a reason to accusations.

5) Jikook, shipping and politics

I'm among those, who perceive pretty much everything as a part of politics. We all exist within some political conventions and have certain political laws over our heads. And yes, it includes art. Even if an artist says something like "oh, I decided to stay away from politics, my work is beyond it". The decision to stay away from politics is also political, because apparently there was something within the political structure what made this artist say that and forced them to make this distinction between them and some institutional conventions.

And that makes me believe that shipping/supporting KM is also political. But I don't think it's necessarily bad? Basically, you decided to support potentially queer people from a country, which doesn't really approve LGBTQ+. It puts you in the opposition towards a particular government. You made a choice. You could google some SK stuff, read all that you mentioned in the beginning of your ask, and say something like "oh, that's not okay there? well, fair enough, I guess their government knows better"🤠 and forget that this KM thing even exists. But apparently you didn't

Imo, is it politics? Yes

Is it bad that it's politics? Well, no? 🙃

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P.S. I hope I was clear enough with my ideas. Thank you again for the thought provoking ask, and I hope I'll hear from you again 🙂

And honestly, I don't think that you're problematic in any way :)