#i don't want to get into personal information but i've been through abuse myself

[olderthannetfic]

One of the things I've seen people who support End OTW Racism talk about is wanting to make sure only people who should reclaim slurs use them in their work. This raises a lot of questions to me, such as 1. how are you going to determine who gets to reclaim a slur 2. how are you going to determine that an individual is in the group you've decided should be allowed to once you figure out the answer to point 1, and 3. how are you going to deal with the fact that sometimes, a word is a slur in one language or one region of the world and not the rest? A lot of people I know in the United States only found out what the slur is for Pakistani people when a YouTuber from the UK (who is black, not Pakistani himself) got heat for saying it, for instance. If someone accidentally uses it as an abbreviation, not knowing it's a slur in the UK, then how is the moderation team supposed to handle that?

I like the idea of having more moderators who can review instances of harassment and racism, but I feel that some of these proposed ideas are not practical or realistic to implement online in large-scale on a site as big as AO3. I hate that anyone who asks these questions is being framed as being "pro-racism". Of course I'm anti-racist, I'm not white and I've experienced it in fandom, but having been in fandom for this long, I'm aware that it's a big space. It seems to me to be an impossible task to check that every single person using a slur is someone you've decided should be allowed to do so for every single instance of it being used in every story on the entire archive. My main fandom alone is half a million works. It would take an astounding amount of volunteers to look through that.

Also, though... people lie. People lie about their race a lot online. I have caught out many, many people in the act of lying when they claim to be Afghani because, as a mixed black/Pashtun person myself, I know enough about the region to ask them things like what language their parents speak or what part of the country they're from, etc., and people haven't put in enough effort to read up on the thing they're pretending to be, so they say something so incorrect it's readily apparent. But there are a lot of Afghani-Americans with very little knowledge of the country, too, as a result of generational trauma. Even I have sometimes found myself going, "Is this a lie, or is this someone who's just disconnected from their roots?" So how are volunteers on AO3 supposed to know if someone is or isn't the race they say they are? Even BIPOC can misidentify someone as a liar or believe someone who is actually lying if the liar in question put in a lot of work into their grift.

And that's without getting into the obvious fact that people are assholes who will lie about authors and forge evidence against them to try to convince the mods so-and-so is lying about being black so they shouldn't be allowed to use the word 'colored' in their historical fandom set in the 1890's. You know people would do that to each other, it's fandom. Fandom has always had toxic people in it.

A lot of people who back End OTW Racism keep saying, "we're just holding AO3 to it's promise back in 2020" but don't seem to have thought through their suggestions on how AO3 does that. I really want to be onboard here, but these ideas were not well thought-out. Even disregarding how many people it'd take to moderate a site this big, the flaw baked into this and many other proposals is that it falls into asking the moderators to make personal judgments and assessments of sensitive matters and situations where they don't have all the information they'd need to make that judgment call.

Honestly I think before calling for action, they should've had a list of actionable ideas for what AO3 do that are not so obviously rife with flaws and room for abuse by bad-faith actors.

--

There really doesn't seem to be a lot of willingness to deal with the reality of both racefakers and POC getting harassed for doing their own identities "wrong".

Frankly, I'd rather have lots of questionable works than one instance of demanding some hapless minority teenager prove their identity because they ~don't sound authentic~.

How much must that fuck a person up, especially if they're young? Especially, especially if they're some kind of diaspora, quite possibly displaced for unpleasant reasons.

I frankly think people massively overestimate any "harm" from some crappy fic a person refused to click back on and massively underestimate this other kind of harm.

[woodchipp]

You have a lot of thoughts about the topic, so what ideas/suggestions/other input (if any) do you have for an Omori rewrite?

Ideas? I have way too many. I've outlined some of them here and here (in a very disorganized manner), but I've thought up a lot of new ideas since then. I recommend to check the linked posts first, but I'll try my best to recap some of the ideas from the posts I've linked in this post, if you don't mind!

Long and most likely incoherent rant incoming.

1) Make Mari actually kill herself, of course. I really did like the game's initial premise of this young kid and his friends trying to deal with the loss of a beloved relative/friend before The Twist, so I'd cut The Twist and try to keep the story straightforward in that aspect. Perhaps that could've made Sunny a bit more sympathetic since he'd get to be the victim of circumstance the game evidently wanted people to see him as and allowed the story to explore Mari as a full character instead of reducing her to the typical saint for everyone to revere and cry over.

One could try to make the suicide itself the plot twist, though. Maybe the sight of Mari's hanged corpse could've been so incomprehensible to the 12-year-old Sunny he'd just pretend to have never seen it in the first place (his mind would block it out) and instead convince himself that Mari happily left for college with Hero. Maybe Sunny mentioning her to Hero or asking him about her after he comes back would make the latter pause and then change the subject of the conversation in a neat little bit of foreshadowing. Besides, a good chunk of the original game's foreshadowing for its twist already pointed to suicide, so why reinvent the wheel?

I insist on this idea in particular because it's tragic, it's horrifying and, most importantly, it's realistic - it's everything the game strove to be. Realism-induced horror is one of my favorite "genres" of horror, and I think OMORI could've had a great shot at exploiting said trope to its benefit were it not for The Twist.

The biggest problem with that sort of plotline, I think, would be Basil. His importance to the game's story relies on The Twist; without it, he has no reason to be there. I woudn't want to cut him altogether, but I can't think of an organic way to insert him into the "Mari kills herself" plotline either, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

2) Make Sunny and Mari's home life horrible lmao. I've already talked about it here and in the first linked post, but I'll reiterate myself - you don't grow up into a strict perfectionist or with self-esteem as low as Sunny's (the game very clearly implies Sunny had self-esteem issues even before he killed Mari) by partying at your besties' birthdays and hugging plushies together. Problems like that tend to be caused by a dysfunctional home.

Yes, the "abusive parents" trope is rather overused nowadays, but I'd still consider it somewhat of an improvement over the complete lack of information about Sunny's family pre-Mari's death. I also think it'd have been quite interesting if the game explored how the toxic home environment the two were born into would inform their personalities. That way, the recital argument would be less "why is Mari so mean 2 me 💔" and more the result of their issues boiling over.

Tying into this idea is the next one.

3) Make Black Space a recollection of Sunny's backstory a la Time's Arrow. Long story short, Time's Arrow is an episode of a show called Bojack Horseman that stands out to me due to the way the featured character's trauma is subtly conveyed without sacrificing story - the flashbacks are mostly coherent, but filtered through the character's emotional perception of the events at the time. The best example of this is a formative memory from the character's childhood, in which she sees her father callously throw her beloved toy into the fireplace before warning her to keep her emotions in check and telling her not to cry. The fear she felt at the moment infuenced her memory of the event, represented by the aforementioned fireplace becoming a wall of hellfire.

I think such an approach would've been a great fit for Black Space as well. Not only would this allow the player to get some real insight into what made Sunny the way he is, his memories being filtered through his emotions would allow the game to characterize him (e.g. the sash bars on his house's windows could be made to look like the bars of a prison cell to imply he felt trapped in his own home). This could even allow the game to show us the big argument itself!

4) Make Kel, Aubrey, Basil and Hero characters instead of props for Sunny to interact with. The story should've examined their issues too. Hero and Kel have some workings of interesting conflicts (e.g. Hero's outburst and how it affected Kel, Hero struggling with relating to the friend group only as their "dad", Kel's status as the unfavorite sibling), as do Basil (his parents and the abandonment issues stemming from them, his general relationship with his grandma) and Aubrey (see the second linked post), but none of that is elaborated on by the game in favor of focusing on Sunny and his (w)angst. Delving into their issues would've been way more interesting for me than listening to them go "man I miss my wife Tails Mari ;A;" over and over again, at least.

5) Make the game's timespan longer. 5 or 10 days instead of 3 would allow the game more room to get through the other characters' arcs before shifting focus to Sunny for the finale, I think.

6) Make Faraway Town a bit larger. Make it wackier, too. There's four streets, a church, a park and a supermarket. There's nothing to do in this town at all, which isn't good since it's where the player spends a good chunk of the plot in. The NPCs and their sidequests are equally cookie-cutter - buy a grandma her medication, tutor some kids, play hide-and-seek with the twins...

It'd have been nice if the main story's subject matter was juxtaposed with the sidequests being as batshit insane as realistically possible. "Realistic" doesn't have to mean "boring", IMO. Real life can be fun!

Tying into this idea is the next one.

7) Lock the good ending behind 100% completion of all the Faraway sidequests, probably...? It's one of my weirder ideas, and I don't know whether it'd be feasible since I'm not a game developer lol. But I think the game could've tried to make some sort of point about how Sunny managed to make headway in working on his issues only because he made the effort to socialize with people who weren't his comfortable circle of friends.

I don't know what to do with Headspace. Really. The general concept of a saccharine dream world created to avoid reality is nice on paper, but it's a big tumor on the plot - it contributes next to nothing to the player's understanding of Sunny or his friends and becomes entirely irrelevant halfway through the game. I guess I'd make it shorter?

[0kayblue]

Hiiiii! I'm typically a v happy n upbeat person but lately I've just been not feeling like myself. I'm always trying to make people laugh and it's always made me so happy when ppl even express that I light up a room :')) But I guess I feel like I haven't been that light for a bit, and I've just been in my head and I just feel like I've been burdening people or maybe I talk too much and it's just been making me really sad. And I feel bad for venting to people so I've just been handling everything on my own aaaaa. I was wondering if you could create an angst to fluff scenario with leon given the information I gave if possible :')? Happy ending ofcofc!! And if you are to write this ask, if you could include some kind of climax where the reader is breaking down (bc I'm a very emotional person n I'm v sensitive n cry super easily) Pls don't be shy to make it as long as you'd like! I love your work sm 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻 and I hope you're doing well!

Light 

You are working on getting everything settled to move in with Leon when your parents pop by short notice things start to head south. They always had a knack for making things go from bad to worse.

Main Character Relations: Leon Kennedy x reader (romantic) 

Word Count: 3k (a little over)

Angst with comfort, borderline abusive behavior, complicated family relations, panic attack, happy ending 

A/N: Hey, anon! I hope you are doing better these days. Just know that you are loved and cared for. I appreciate you and I hope that whatever you are going through leaves you stronger than you were before. If you ever want to just vent, do not hesitate to message me. I may not be able to respond right away (or if you even want me too) or at all, but if you need to get it out. Get it out.  Please be easy on yourself and reach out to those you trust or authorities if it gets too bad. 

With that being said I thank you for your request and I hope that this suffices. I don’t think this is the best thing I've ever written, but it has its moments. Enjoy! 

You sat in the bathroom on the verge of tears with your face in your hands. Your tailbone starts to ache from sitting on the side of the tub, the harsh unforgiving acrylic leaving you with no support. You sniffed before finally standing up and moving in front of the mirror. Staring blankly at your reflection. 

Don’t. Cry. 

You scolded yourself as you looked in the mirror, your eyes slightly red and puffy. 

Stay. Strong. 

Taking a deep shaky breath you flushed the toilet before turning on the sink. Trying your best to pull it together as you splash some cool water on your face. 

You’re fine. You’re always fine. Now go back out there and be what you need to be. 

Your thoughts are harsh and cruel towards yourself as you turn off the faucet and dry your hands before you press on your cheeks, trying to wipe off the excess drops of water. This little worm of self doubt wiggling its way in your ear before you take a deep shaky breath. Plastering on a smile you leave the bathroom. 

You stop for a short moment before entering the living room, biting your inner lip, fixing your smile to something that felt more natural, and walking back to your former spot. Your ears perk as you pay attention, trying to place the room's conversation before sitting back down on your spot on the couch. 

“So, what do you do for work, Leon?” Your mom asks your boyfriend, a coldness to her words. 

“Sorry.” You murmur under your breath, “I told you, he’s head of security.” 

“I know what you’ve said,” your mother glared at you and you try not to wince under her gaze like you did as a child, “I just want him to explain it to me is all.” 

“What is there to explain exactly?” You're defensive, you're on edge, and Leon can more than just see it. His hand finds your thigh and his thumb ghosts over the denim fabric of your jeans. 

“There really isn’t much to explain.” He laughed trying to break the tension up, “I handle security for a warehouse up state. Make sure guards are properly trained, know how to deescalate a situation, stuff like that.”

“Interesting. How’d you fall into a job like that?” Your dad asks and Leon directs his attention back to your father.

Leon meeting your parents wasn’t your brilliant idea. You actually didn’t want him anywhere near them for a multitude of reasons, but your sibling let it slip to your mother that you were moving and it just snowballed from there. Your mother immediately jumped on your case and your father refused to look you in the eyes once he found out a romantic interest was involved. 

Of course none of this helped your current anxious state. The last few days have been more than just rough on you mentally and physically. With Leon being gone, packing, work, and your antidepressants losing their sparkle, you were in bad shape. 

“It just happened, I guess. The police academy didn’t want me and I had to go somewhere.” Leon laughed as he lied. He barely got through the front door before you were shoving a false backstory down his throat. It confused him and this wasn’t how he wanted to do this. He wanted to be honest and direct with your family about his life because someday he wanted to make your family his family. Things were more than just off to a bumpy start as your dad forced out a laugh.

“What made you guys want to drop by?” You ask, trying to relieve Leon of the hot seat. You felt bad for the current situation you put him in, if only he had run a little late. 

“We were out and about and wanted to see if you still were in the place, although I must say it looks better a little bare.” Your mom says as she flips open one of the boxes you had sitting on the coffee table, “You would think to tell your parents you were moving up state with a man you barely know.” Three months, you had told them that you had been dating Leon for only three months.

“I was going to tell you.” You got up, shutting the box and moving it away from her prying eyes. Leon’s concern for you doesn’t go unnoticed as his eyes remain glued to you; watching you bite your tongue in discomfort under the unrelenting gaze of your mother. 

“When?” Your dad asks. He didn’t seem mad, just heart broken. At a loss for words trying to figure out what moment you stopped confiding in him about your life. 

It was about middle school when it happened, when he told you that it was all in your head. That there wasn’t a thing wrong with you because you knew how to light up a room. You knew how to make people feel comfortable, you knew how to make them laugh; and no one who knew how to shine could suffer like the rest. 

“When I got settled. When I figured it out.” 

“When would that have been? When this fantasy of yours doesn’t work out and he leaves you?” Your mom spits before looking at Leon with little remorse, “I’m sorry son, no offense, but I don’t know you.” 

“Mom!” You yelled at her with your patience wearing incredibly thin, “You are not going to come here and start insulting my boyfriend.” 

“She’s just saying what we are all thinking,” your father defends her and it takes everything in you to not roll your eyes. “You’ve said you’ve only known him for three months, Christ, you’re probably lying. You’ve always kept secrets from us.” He was right, but you had your reasons. That didn’t make you feel any less bad about it, but still. You didn’t trust them for a reason and maintained a relationship with them out of guilt. 

“We just think it’s ridiculous that we are the last to know. We are your parents. We raised you. We took care of you; fed you, clothed you, kept a roof over your head. We deserve to know about your whereabouts with some man!” His voice rising and beginning to boom with anger; an anger you thought you had escaped. Your legs shake slightly as Leon stands up, shielding you from your fathers betrayed eyes. Seeing you in a flight or fight response triggering something in him. 

“We just want what’s best for you and I don’t think this is what’s best for you.” Your mom follows up causing your eyes to shift from your dad to your mom, tears welling in your eyes. 

“How do you know, huh? Not like you ever truly cared about anything I wanted.” 

“That is not true.”

“Not once have you called and asked me a damn thing with any true merit.”

“How could we? You are always hiding! Responding to everything with ‘fine’ or locking the damn door before we even knocked.” Your dad scolded you, wondering what happened to all those years he told you to stand your ground. Did those lessons fall on deaf ears or were you just up against something you couldn’t bring yourself to fight anymore?

“Because you don’t give a damn about anything serious in my life! God forbid you focus on how I feel instead of how you feel.”

“That is not-!” Leon raises a firm hand unable to stop himself. Unable to watch this unfold for much longer. He silenced the argument while your father was ready to push. It was an odd sight to see your father cower in his old age, knowing he didn’t stand a chance against Leon. Your heart pounds in your chest, afraid for Leon regardless of watching your dad back down. 

“I’m going to have to stop you, Sir. I think it’s best if you listen to your daughter and leave.” It wasn’t exactly a threat, more of a warning. 

“We need to have this conversation.” 

“I agree, but not today. Not now.” It took a lot for Leon to not call this the ambush that it was. He was still talking to your father, someone he still felt like he had to impress regardless of the current circumstances. 

“If we don’t talk about it today we aren’t bailing you out when this doesn’t work.” Leon’s hands ball into fist and you almost break but Leon beats you to the punch, “Sir, I am certain that if you utter another word like that I will see to it that she will never have to say another word to you again.”

Your parents look at you and you try to hold eye contact with them, but fail as you focus on the wood grain of the floor.  

Your father scoffs in disbelief, “That’s how it is? You’re letting someone else speak for you?” Your father asks in disbelief. He just shakes his head at your lack of a response and walks to and out the front door. 

“I hope you’re happy, you’ve broken his heart, (Y/N).” Your mother said, looking at you one last time with a familiar glare that made you feel guilty for just existing. 

You hear the door slam as you let out a heavy sigh, wiping the few tears that managed to escape away from your face. No one knew how to get to you like your parents did. Leon turns to you softening as he goes to reach for you, but you step back. 

“It’s okay. I’m fine. Let’s just get these boxes sorted.” Your voice flat as you turned back to the box your mother was once prying in. “Th-This one looks like a mix of t-shirts and coffee mugs.” You try not to stutter as you feel his hand on the small of your back. 

“Hey.” He soothes and where you find comfort in his touch you reject him as you pick up the box. You move quickly and set the box on the ground near the boxes you planned on taking to his place, soon to be your shared place, if you didn’t fuck it up. You took a deep breath as you tried to talk down that voice in your head that said your parents were right. 

“I’m- uh- going to check the bedroom for anything else. I’ll be right back.” You moved quickly, nearly sprinting down the hall. 

You felt terrible. You felt like a villain. 

Leon didn’t deserve a villian, he deserved rest. He had just gotten back from a mission to be greeted with this. A complete and utter wreck. He left one fight to come back to another and you felt absolutely responsible. 

Finally finding solace in your now empty room as you carefully shut the door behind you. You manage to walk to the center of the room on wobbly legs. Your chest aching as your fingers tangled themselves in your hair. Every single negative thought you had and every single self destructive feeling bubbles to the surface. Unable to contain it any longer. The air becomes thin as your pulse starts to race and a sharp gasp escapes through your dry lips. 

“(Y/N)?” Leon calls for you desperately, forgoing knocking on the door and just entering. Your eyes lock with his and you try to breathe; try to bring yourself to say something to keep him from overthinking the sight of you absolutely breaking in front of him. The words are lodged in your throat though as he looks at you with complete compassion. Your tears finally spill over as your knees give out and you start to fall to them. Taking in an ugly breath as your lungs tighten and Leon’s hands find your arms, guiding you carefully to the floor. 

You had failed. You had broken. You weren’t strong enough. 

You sobbed as you tried to hide behind your hands as the room felt like it was closing in. Leon was a mess as he scrambled for your attention, “Hey, (Y/N), look at me. I need you to look at me.” His hands firmly run up and down your arms as he tries to find your eyes. Trying to make you look at him, trying to tell you that you aren’t alone. 

You felt his warmth leave you and you squeezed your eyes shut as you brought your knees to your chest unable to place yourself in reality. All you knew was that his warmth was gone and you had convinced yourself he was gone. He wasn’t, he just moved his hands from your arms to your face; forcing you to look at him as you opened your eyes. “Breathe. I need you to breathe.” His words barely reach you, but they do as you nod. “With me, okay? In.” 

You take a deep breath in, following his instruction. 

“Out.” You let out and he repeats, “In.” You continue to follow as he coaches you through the process three more times. Your body is not shaking with as much intensity as your chest starts to relax. Your ribs are no longer burning as the air in the room is no longer thick, making it easy to swallow. Your chest rises and falls with your lungs as the tears slow, but continue to flow. 

“I-I’m sorry.” You get out as your hand finds his chest for support as you begin to unfold yourself. 

“Don’t. You have nothing to apologize for. Not a damn thing.” Leon says, fighting every urge in his body to pull you into his embrace. You sniff as he wipes tears from your red hot cheeks. “Where are you?” He asks, trying to distract you and get you grounded.

“My place.” You answer. 

“What do you taste?” 

“Salt.” 

“What do you see?” 

“You.” He can’t help but smile at your answer. One hand lets go of your face to tuck your hair behind your ear. “Can I hold you?” 

‘You still want to? I’m snotty.’ Was what entered your head and it was supposed to leave your lips with a smirk and you were supposed to let out a light laugh, but it’s not what came out. 

“Please.” A simple ‘please’ was all you could muster as your arms wrapped around his neck while he pulled you to his chest. Laying your head against his chest you could hear the beating of his heart. Gentle thumps that help you keep track of time as you start to register that you’re in control of your breathing. Leon takes a deep breath, his own worries settling as you relax against his chest. 

“My love.” He mutters into your hair while he rubs your back. “Do you wanna talk about it?” He’s been worried about you since he got back, the subtle things you did telling him you weren’t alright. How you distanced yourself in conversation and weren’t as quick witted as usual. He knew that this episode wasn’t all because of your parents, he knew you typically knew how to handle your own against them. 

Letting them roll off your back because it wasn’t worth fighting with them when they’d just make it all your fault anyway. 

“N-no.” Your breath hitching in your throat, unsure, “Give me a minute. Please.” Finally feeling your limbs ache from the stress as the stiffness in your form starts to ease. 

“Take your time, just stay with me. Breathe.” You closed your eyes and despite all of this, you smiled. His warmth enveloping you in comfort as you felt whole. You nodded, continuing to breathe. 

“I’m afraid I’ve lost it.” You joked and he just shook his head before placing a firm kiss on your temple. Sniffing you rubbed your nose on your sleeve as you settled into the calmness of your thoughts quieting. 

“No, you’re alright. I’ve got you.” He assures you as your heart breaks slightly. “You’ve just had a rough couple of days. You’ll be back on your feet in no time, you’re too stubborn to stay down.” You laughed slightly and his grip on you tightened. His heart burns at the sound of your laughter and his shoulders relax. He was scared there for a minute that he’d never hear your laughter again. 

“I love you.” It falls from your lips softly as you look at him. In times like these he was the light in the dark and he shined ten times brighter than you ever could. He’d argue with you a thousand times over about it though and tell you that you were crazy for even thinking he could outshine you. 

You found Leon in one of the darkest times of his life, he was an absolute wreck. He felt so much that he felt nothing at all. All his positive attributes drained from him slowly, as he started giving up on the world completely. He could’ve sworn he was a goner until one day in the darkness of a crummy bar he saw this light. He saw you mingling amongst strangers, making them laugh, making them comfortable. A lantern burning with a light that he would happily stay blinded by just as long as he could feel the warmth that radiated off of you. 

“I love you more.” His palm found the smoothness of your cheek as his thumb ghosted over your cheek bone. Examining your tired glassy eyes and the way your brows furrowed in exhaustion as he saw you try to place where he was. He sends you a warm smile before his lips find yours in a chaste safe kiss. Regretfully parting from you he speaks again, “What do you say we call it a day and head home? I’ll run you a bath and you can say as little or as much as you want. Deal?” You nod and as you go to push him away from you so you could stand he only holds you tighter. An arm resting under the bend of your knees while his other arm firmly holds you against him. You nearly squeal as he stands with no trouble as he savors the feeling of you clinging to his t-shirt. 

“I can walk, y’know.” 

“I know, but you don’t need to. I’d carry you everywhere if you let me.” You rolled your eyes while you laughed at this dork. A triumphant smile on his face, “Let’s get you home, light of mine.”

“I know, but you don’t need to. I’d carry you everywhere if you let me.” You rolled your eyes while you laughed at this dork. A triumphant smile on his face, “Let’s get you home, little light.”

[polyamzeal]

Hello! I have a bit of a situation that I would like your honest opinion on; I've read a lot of your asks and I trust your opinion on this, as I unfortunately delved into reddit initially and that was not a pleasant experience.

I have experience with romantic polyamory, and I'm out to the important people in my life; I'm also married.

Recently, my spouse and I have been talking about how nice it would be to have another partner to love and care for as we do with each other. (Note: we discussed this shortly after we started dating, so it's not something new to us) We've been talking about a long-term triad who we'd like to nest with if the new partner would like to nest with us as well.

We don't have any, in my own opinion, unrealistic expectations of the partner. We don't have any "qualifications" or a "job application" that you would typically find with unicorn hunters.

I've been doing my reading, as I haven't been with multiple people in a couple years and wanted my information on terminology to be up-to-date. I've found that another big issue with unicorn hunters is that they treat their partner like a little secret, introducing them as a friend and such.

Like I mentioned earlier, I'm out of the closet about this, and I'd always introduce my partners as just that, my partners, and I'm sure my spouse would do the exact same.

So would my spouse and I still be considered unicorn hunters just for wanting to hopefully pursue an equal & ethical triad relationship without any expectations whatsoever? Reddit has been so unkind 😅

Thankyou so much for your time.

Absolutely!

Alright, that is a bit of a joke. I like Reddit for a lot of things but their polyamory community is infamously bad. And pretty much all polyamory social media always witch hunts Unicorn Hunters. And not without some good legit reasons. Lots and lots of people get hurt by unicorn hunters. But I have seen lots of people jump to immense conclusions as soon as it is mentioned. I have seen people describe their unique situations only for the replies to completely ignore it, clearly not reading all the way through, just to read a pre-scripted response about how unicorn hunters are bad and they should feel bad.

As you have mentioned, I don't really agree with this. I am a unicorn myself. I like dating couples! I don't feel like I am abused or taken advantage of when I do. Admittedly I have some privilege and advantages there. But regardless I think smart unicorns can effectively date ethical couples.

So my advice is to just be really upfront with any potential partners about what you are looking for. Be honest about limitations. It sounds great that you are open and would introduce them as a real partner. But also be realistic about if the existing couple would have any advantages over the new partner even if that isn't the intention. Make sure the new partner always feels like they have agency and are not trapped. I personally favor open triads to closed ones but that is a decision for all of you to make. Be understanding that a new partner will most likely not like each of you equally at the same pace. They may lean towards one person more. And over time things may shift to lean another way. Your existing relationship will probably go through this too as New Relationship Energy might overpower the old marriage for a time. This is normal and workable. Trying to force everything to always be equal often leads to problems.

Just try your best to be ethical and make everybody happy. Mistakes will be made along the way but they can be worked out. If everybody involved is happy then don't let the internet judge your triad.

[aspd-culture]

aspd and adhd(/possible autism) culture is realizing only once you're out of high school "ohhhhhhh wait, so i thought i wasn't abused growing up, but actually i was and it only stopped due to covid, and that resulted in my osdd system and aspd?"

buckle up, this is Long and definitely classifies as a Vent. honestly, you can ignore the middle section and jump to the next blank line of space if you want.

jesus christ. i was punished more harshly than my peers, i struggled to make friends, i was put into a little school program where board games were used to reinforce good behavior in problem kids which i only realized two months ago, my memory issues (which were always there, but only noticed in fifth grade) got me into so much shit with every authority figure ever, i broke a window using one of those mechanical hamster things that were popular at the time by accident but i didn't care at all, that's just scratching the surface

memories of things have been coming back to me lately. according to my mom i was such a nice little kid, always shared and was polite and highly empathetic, all the goods.

school came along, flipped everything on its head. i remember harassing and hurting animals, and people, and sometimes telling those people not to tell—not because i felt bad but because i didn't want to get into trouble again, it was an inconvenience. my home life was pretty good but other kids left me out of things a lot and sometimes called me names, even the neighbors' kids i liked to hang out with would make me the monster of their games and that does something to a kid (one of them is also the reason i'm a victim of cocsa). when i did something wrong or bad there was only punishment because i "should know not to do that" and so i had to teach myself how to be a functioning and good member of society. i got good at lying towards the end of third grade, the skill got better from there with every punishment i faced

when a former friend told me "hey, you have aspd traits/might have aspd" i went and found the checklist, because thorough research is how i work, went through it. at the time i didn't think it fit very well because "yes, i experience that but that's pretty normal for people, i learned how to manage it under several layers of creating a socially acceptable person just like everyone else"

i've gone back to it a couple times since and wow, surprise surprise, everything applies! the "this doesn't apply to me because i have a system to help with this thing" mindset means the thing still applies! there's some stuff, namely the destruction and truancy, that i didn't do but that's solely because i knew i couldn't get away with it and therefore didn't bother trying. so thanks to aaaaaaall that stuff and more, i definitely grew up with both conduct disorder and odd, and now it's aspd

i can't say i'm mad about having aspd? it causes problems in my life, yes, but i've spent so long wrangling myself into a form small enough to fit into society's box that it's not the worst thing anymore. i think i'm more mad at society, my peers, for not helping me with this and being kind where they should've, especially my mom as of recently

that said: it is fucking hard-wired into me that there's only good people and bad people in the world. harmful behavior towards me (or someone else doing something i can't forgive) is automatically met with hammurabi's eye for an eye. the coping mechanisms i use work very well, are generally healthy, and people who don't do anything to calm themselves down and think rationally tend to piss me off. i have been fighting those things for a while but they're the ones that simply won't go away. hamburger help me.

aspd-culture-is

There's a lot of good information in this ask. Too many people see ASPD as a direct result of physical abuse or CSA/SA, when a lot of ASPD symptoms really develop around things that are seen as smaller issues, where a child's problems get diminished by the people who are supposed to help that child to the point where they feel the only person that will help them is themself.

More than anything else, I personally think a very quick and simple way to decrease the number of people who end up with ASPD would be to get parents and other caregiving adults, and honestly society as a whole, to understand that regardless of how simple, silly, or insignificant it may seem to someone older, these "silly" things are often the worst thing the child has experienced up until that point. Someone always having to be the monster sounds like nothing to an adult, leading to no response to help besides maybe "they're just teasing you, ignore them". But "just teasing" is the most social rejection a child has experienced to that point, and so it is extremely distressing and emotionally painful. It feels like the most isolated they could possibly be, because they haven't been around long enough to experience worse. Then, the child is told to ignore it, which not only fails to make them feel better, but often causes it to get even worse as the other kids try and push harder to get the reaction they're looking for. Do they eventually give up? Sometimes. But the lengths and extremes many bullies will go to when "just teasing" doesn't elicit a response is disturbing and that fact is either unknown to or ignored by adults.

Part of why always being made the monster does something to a kid is that it is treated as a non-issue. When that is what a developing brain learns is the reaction to their pain, they will no longer seek outside help when things become extreme.

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

When I was in school, I was teased. I was made the dog who was not allowed to talk or a person with their vocal chords removed any time we played pretend. Sometimes they made me a rock or stick on the ground, even. It sounds like nothing, and when I was told it would go away if I ignored them, I listened. It didn't stop them. It led to an entire set of multiple schools that were combined into one building seeing me as a verbal and sometimes physical plaything; a place to take out your angst and distress. I lost my personhood in their eyes, so my understanding of social interactions were tainted and colored by the way my peers treated me. I told anyone who tried to befriend me not to be seen talking to me, to bully me publicly so they wouldn't get the treatment I got, so even the few people who tried to be kind got a skewed, unnatural social interaction with me. Many listened, and I don't hold that against them at all. That's simply what they had to do to make it. It got to the point of receiving verbal and *detailed, written-out, and signed* r word threats, and boys who were 11 years old talking about kidnapping tying me up in their parents attic and using me whenever they wanted (theirs was more detailed). Some even attempted to touch me, and adults nearby ignored it because "X likes to handle it themselves, they don't like when adults get involved", because I learned that they would only vaguely say stop, and it would get worse. That's what happens when you just ignore it.

And what do we call a person who learns that only they can protect themselves, and who doesn't understand any positive interaction with anyone that isn't transactional? Antisocial. I hate the idea what a positive relationship with family is incompatible with ASPD, sorry about the rant. Because of how ASPD develops, I refuse to dislike or resent myself or my symptoms when it comes to ASPD. If people didn't want me like this, they shouldn't have treated me like this.

Plain text below the cut:

There's a lot of good information in this ask. Too many people see ASPD as a direct result of physical abuse or CSA/SA, when a lot of ASPD symptoms really develop around things that are seen as smaller issues, where a child's problems get diminished by the people who are supposed to help that child to the point where they feel the only person that will help them is themself.

More than anything else, I personally think a very quick and simple way to decrease the number of people who end up with ASPD would be to get parents and other caregiving adults, and honestly society as a whole, to understand that regardless of how simple, silly, or insignificant it may seem to someone older, these "silly" things are often the worst thing the child has experienced up until that point. Someone always having to be the monster sounds like nothing to an adult, leading to no response to help besides maybe "they're just teasing you, ignore them". But "just teasing" is the most social rejection a child has experienced to that point, and so it is extremely distressing and emotionally painful. It feels like the most isolated they could possibly be, because they haven't been around long enough to experience worse. Then, the child is told to ignore it, which not only fails to make them feel better, but often causes it to get even worse as the other kids try and push harder to get the reaction they're looking for. Do they eventually give up? Sometimes. But the lengths and extremes many bullies will go to when "just teasing" doesn't elicit a response is disturbing and that fact is either unknown to or ignored by adults.

Part of why always being made the monster does something to a kid is that it is treated as a non-issue. When that is what a developing brain learns is the reaction to their pain, they will no longer seek outside help when things become extreme.

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

When I was in school, I was teased. I was made the dog who was not allowed to talk or a person with their vocal chords removed any time we played pretend. Sometimes they made me a rock or stick on the ground, even. It sounds like nothing, and when I was told it would go away if I ignored them, I listened. It didn't stop them. It led to an entire set of multiple schools that were combined into one building seeing me as a verbal and sometimes physical plaything; a place to take out your angst and distress. I lost my personhood in their eyes, so my understanding of social interactions were tainted and colored by the way my peers treated me. I told anyone who tried to befriend me not to be seen talking to me, to bully me publicly so they wouldn't get the treatment I got, so even the few people who tried to be kind got a skewed, unnatural social interaction with me. Many listened, and I don't hold that against them at all. That's simply what they had to do to make it. It got to the point of receiving verbal and *detailed, written-out, and signed* r word threats, and boys who were 11 years old talking about kidnapping tying me up in their parents attic and using me whenever they wanted (theirs was more detailed). Some even attempted to touch me, and adults nearby ignored it because "X likes to handle it themselves, they don't like when adults get involved", because I learned that they would only vaguely say stop, and it would get worse. That's what happens when you just ignore it.

And what do we call a person who learns that only they can protect themselves, and who doesn't understand any positive interaction with anyone that isn't transactional? Antisocial. I hate the idea what a positive relationship with family is incompatible with ASPD, sorry about the rant. Because of how ASPD develops, I refuse to dislike or resent myself or my symptoms when it comes to ASPD. If people didn't want me like this, they shouldn't have treated me like this.

[discord-lurking]

Dungeons and Daddies Wiki Drama: A Greek Tragedy Told through the Medium of Forum Posts (Part 4)

Epilogue/Exodus

Phaethon loses control of the chariot's reins.

As of the writing of this post, the wiki forums have stayed largely inactive.

December 22nd, 2023:

However, the wiki itself has been going through many changes in the days since starting this series, most notably the deletion of all character and location pages.

Yes, you read that correctly: the Dungeons and Daddies wiki will no longer be allowing pages about characters or locations featured in the show.

A quick look at the "All Pages" section of the wiki:

Only 37 wiki pages remain, all of which are separate pages for each episode of season 1 (and not even all of the episodes- many episodes past episode 33 are simply missing).

If you try to search for a specific character, such as main season 1 character Darryl Wilson:

The only results are pages of episodes where Darryl is featured (which, as a main character in season 1, is all of them).

This is a baffling decision for wiki moderators to make in good faith. It renders the wiki entirely useless, as fans now have to comb through individual episode pages for simple information on characters or locations. Why on earth would they make this change with no announcement?

The simplest explanation is that these people (or singular person) are not acting on good faith.

Taking a look at the wiki policy & wiki forum rules is also enlightening:

Wiki policy as of screenshotting earlier this week, then an addendum for the new rules related to character pages, lagging, and location pages, as of December 22nd, 2023.

These rules are... long, to say the least.

Notably, the second paragraph on the page reads as follows:

"Also, every rule must be taken seriously and if you think this is a joke that is your fault, and if you got blocked because you broke a rule that's your fault because you broke it. Don't try to get out of this, you have to follow the rules."

Again, odd speech patterns and a focus on wiki justice. I'm sensing the work of TwoRatner afoot.

I believe this part was added after penguinwithatophat's question in the forums about whether the rules were serious. The new moderators seem very concerned with being taken seriously and instituting absolute rule over the wiki.

Some rules of interest to me:

"Don't gossip about drama or cause drama."

I've already failed on that count. It appears I might find myself banned from the Dungeons and Daddies Season 1 Wiki.

Tragic.

"Malware, viruses, fetishes, and any links of that variety or any evil lowlife site link will not be allowed to prosper."

The Four Horsemen of wiki moderating: malware, viruses, fetishes, and any links of that variety/any evil lowlife site link.

"You can have alternate accounts, but you should tell everyone it's an alt before using."

"You can not sockpuppet. If you are found sockpuppeting, especially to evade a block, then that account will be blocked indefinitely. You will have a message sent to your main account stating what you did wrong and that you should not do it again."

"Meatpuppetry is semi-allowed, because some blocked users have good requests to give to others. Anyone who doesn't want to change and did severe rule-breaks shouldn't be trusted so you shouldn't add edits on their request, but a user that wants to change can ask a friend to edit for them."

"Don't sockpuppet, ever, especially to evade bans."

Four (4!) separate mentions of sockpuppeting/meatpuppeting in the wiki policy.

"Don't abuse your power. You shouldn't break global polices on FANDOM or attack users just for annoying you. Ask polite questions, or give stern warnings, but don't exact harm or make people feel unsafe by being here."

Seems that this rule for admins is more of a suggestion than a law.

Then the forum-specific guidelines (which are also, unsurprisingly, long).

"Be nice and treat people with respect. Keep discussions civil and be open-minded about differing opinions. Don't do other dads dirty. We need this to be a safe and welcoming place."

Again, a rule that seems to be more of a suggestion than a law for the new admin team.

"Don't use sockpuppets to add more votes to yourself or make yourself look good. Just don't use multiple accounts for bad reasons."

"Sockpuppets posting will have their posts removed; no exceptions."

"Alts posting is fine, but remember to state that it's an alt."

"To elaborate, sockpuppets (alt accounts for evading blocks or sabotaging polls) in general are outlawed, and you should never make any."

Again, another four (4!!!) separate mentions of sockpuppeting/alts. They seem very deeply concerned about this potential issue. It's truly unthinkable that someone might take over the forums with multiple accounts, pretend to be more than one person, and use these accounts just to agree with themselves.

Right?

I tried to pick out more favorite rules, but then I realized I was just repeating the entirety of the screenshots. If you're skimming this, I highly recommend pausing to read the entirety of the forum guidelines. They're funnier than I could ever attempt to be.

Now, screenshots of some mod accounts of note.

Dramatis Personae (screenshots taken December 19-22nd, 2023):

Gaycowboyrats, former administrator of the wiki.

Honic Washington, (allegedly) former administrator. The link on their page leads to a Reddit acount, which has seemingly been deleted/banned, as mentioned in their forum posts:

Then some of the main culprits of the new admin team:

TwoRatner, whose account has seemingly been taken over by MitchRiot(er(er)) and been replaced by TwoMarshall. Another reference to account breaches, possibly perpetuated by the mysterious MitchRiot figure.

The link on the TwoRatner page leads to a user account under the same name on the Jonah Who wiki.

Brazil86, controversial new admin figure and someone who self-avowedly "serves to live."

Then other assorted current & former mods:

As mentioned by Tumblr user spaceyam, Nicoh Watonshing sure sounds similar to Honic Washington.

(I hadn't noticed this at all until I saw it pointed out in the notes but now it seems incredibly obvious, thank you!!)

The link on TheOneTrueGod41's page also leads to the Jonah Who wiki, but this time to the main page, not a user page.

On Marth8204's page, the link goes to the main page of the Funbob wiki.

As for NicohWatonshing's page link, it leads to a user page for the same name on the Luke Nukem wiki.

Interesting.

It seems that if these are all separate people, they have a history of being editors on niche wikis.

Then, I became curious about the Season 2 wiki.

What was this all for? Why the rush to split the wikis? What was so important about the season 2 pages that they had to be kept separate from season 1?

Right.

Thank you to everyone for reading and getting involved in this series! There may be more posts happening if things continue to develop, so stay tuned if you're interested. There also may be a new fan wiki effort underway, keep an eye out for that!

[drdemonprince]

Hi Dr Price! In your recent Instagram story you described some of the bad-faith engagement and outright abuse you've recieved as your platform has grown. I was wondering if you'd be willing to talk a little about your journey with navigating abusive responses to your work? I'm very keen to start publishing essays online, but I don't know how well I'd cope with cruel responses or escalating threats. On my best days I have a thick skin, but I've always been sensitive and my emotional armour is easily chipped. Is it primarily a matter of building one's tolerance for discomfort, as you described in your essay on disobedience? Do you have any more advice specific to this issue?

Distress tolerance certainly helps, but you really do need to develop self-control and a firewall of sorts when it comes to not exposing yourself to more negative feedback than you can handle or than is helpful.

My comments are turned off for many reasons, but largely because I have decided I don't want to platform any old random message from any random person who I do not know, cannot vouch for, and who might not have even fully read the essay or post to which they are responding.

Comment sections are a tool for generating advertiser revenue for social media platforms by creating conflict and distraction in the name of "engagement." It is a game I do not play, and I believe that a culture of constantly commenting upon things when we don't have relevant expertise and haven't thought our ideas through actively makes the world worse. Not having comment sections also means I don't fixate on the moment-by-moment reactions of other people to my work. I post and ghost.

I don't read reviews of my books, I don't name search myself (except for the occasional look for new posts on Reddit), and on all socials I have all notifications turned off except for people that I already follow and trust. If someone is in my mentions having a tantrum I don't ever see it (thanks to Philosophy Tube for inspiring this policy). I get my information from books, peer-reviewed articles, and outlets that I have already vetted, as well as from conversations with friends and engagement in my actual community.

I do have a firm grounding in myself, and a strong belief in both my ability to think and my ability to change and revise my point of view, and I don't see other people's feelings or thoughts about me as a reflection of my value. Their feelings about me are their problem. so I don't worry about the fact others disagree with me at times. In fact, after a certain degree of public exposure, one must accept that people are going to think and say all kinds of nonsense about you, and that you do not have the capacity as a single human to take all that data in.

I think getting comfortable with being disliked is probably the highest hurdle for most people. The book The Courage to Be Disliked is pretty great in that respect. But I'd also just say that, you know, if you dont know anything about a person and you have no reason to trust anything they have to say, why should their opinion matter to you? most of its junk data or worse.

[mostremote]

reflecting on 2023, thoughts for 2024, long personal post

How would I sum up 2023? Well, it's certainly been productive. Securing a permanent position at a university I adore is unreal, and I still subconsciously assume there's been a mistake and they'll fire me any day now. After what was essentially 7 years of precarity, having professional stability is absolutely wild. I love my job, I love my students, I love my colleagues, and it's insane to me that I seem to have actually "made it" professionally.

My second book is coming out with a Big Publisher and that's very nice too. I don't have much emotional attachment to that project, but it took a lot of work and I'm satisfied that it is reaching its appropriate conclusion. I will make, I am sure, zero money out of it, but that's academic publishing for you lol

I gave my first keynote paper at a (cute, small) conference, so that was also a milestone. I also organised a very successful conference in which like 1/4 of the speakers cited my work, which was absolutely surreal and made me want to disappear into the ground.

I made a huge amount of progress on my novel, it's pretty much finished, and my one real resolution for 2024 is to make a proper effort to get it published. I'll wait until my academic book is out to start that process, but that's the one resolution I'm setting for myself. I don't know if I'll have any luck (it's not exactly a book with mass appeal) but I want to at least give it a shot.

Healthwise, well. It's been a ride. A good ride, but a ride nonetheless. I switched medications for my chronic illness, coming off a really major one and getting onto a much milder one, as I've been basically asymptomatic. This is good news all round: I've adapted well to the new meds, and I don't have to deal with all the nasty side effects of the old meds (they fuck you up long term). The main problem I have now is that I can't drink much alcohol, but that's a small price to pay for good health.

But one side effect of the medication was weight gain. I gained around a stone after I'd been on it for a year but I figured that was just "not being in your early 20s anymore" weight gain. Turns out nope! I haven't weighed myself lately but I have visibly lost a lot of weight and it's a little disconcerting to be suddenly, well, very skinny again. I look much younger and smaller. It's not bad, it's just a stark difference to adjust to and not something I was expecting to happen in my 30s.

I've also adjusted my hormone regimen. I don't have any long term plans (i never do lol) but I've been enjoying playing more with feminine presentations. I'm just, comfortable with my body and happy with who I am. How about that!

Mental healthwise, hoo boy. Let's address my being cursed by an ancient amulet and becoming crushingly obsessed with the fictional villain of The Hunger Games. I haven't spoken about this on here but The Shivering Season is significantly informed by my own experiences with different forms of abuse and mental health problems, and I have been processing a lot while writing it. Sometimes I've had anxiety attacks while writing, which never happens to me! There was a point before Christmas I was having anxiety attacks at random everyday, just hanging out watching TV, because it seems I was bringing so much stuff to the surface. And I seem to have worked through some things, because the intrusive sexual abuse thoughts/fantasies I have experienced compulsively for, idk, 15+ years have gone. Completely gone. Really, really weird! I need to go back to therapy about this but I just don't know how to explain "I became obsessed with The Hunger Games and now I have 70% less trauma" in a normal way.

And I have been extremely manic these past 2 months. That is probably obvious from how I've been posting, but jesus christ. I wake up at 5am, I fall asleep at 11pm (and as someone who historically needs 8-9 hours every night, this is significant). I write thousands of words almost every day. I am generally inclined to periods of mania, but this is extremely intense and it has lasted since the start of November. I'm scared of crashing, both because this hyperproductivity is giving me a lot of positive brain chemicals and because I don't know what kind of person I'll be if it goes. Will the intrusive thoughts come back? I don't want them to! I've been very happy without them!!

And that's the conclusion, really: I've had a very happy year. I'm mistrustful of happiness, but I am still happy. I don't know what to expect of 2024, but I am optimistic, and content, and marvelling at in what a good place I'm in now compared to how I was.

Happy new year!

[taralen]

Information

𝕎𝕖𝕝𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕞𝕪 𝕓𝕝𝕠𝕘!

I am a fantasy artist and writer based in the USA. This blog is mostly for my art and for sharing others' art. Sometimes, I'll post writings, musings, or theories about a work of fiction that I think warrants some in-depth analysis. I don't have any separate blogs, as I don't see the point in making them. I struggle with a lot of mental health conditions, so I'm really unstable but congenial. Hope you don't mind! Trust me, I am no threat to the public at large! I love making others laugh and smile, so why not just laugh at me, with me? The subject of this blog is primarily art and writing. I do not repost memes if they have nothing to do with either of these two categories.

If you're looking for specific tags, please use this guide:

#my art - Use this tag to filter posts showing only stuff drawn by me

#my writing - Similar to the above but just for writing I've done.

#musings - Random thoughts, journal posts, or ramblings, aka actual "blog" posts.

#merch haul - Posts related to collectibles I've obtained that I want to share with others.

#not my art - Filter posts to only show art I've reblogged by other people.

You can find me in a few other locations, but I'm only going to list my active ones here.

DeviantArt: https://www.deviantart.com/taralen For most of my completed pieces. The only sketches you'll find here are for clients who commissioned sketchy pieces.

Myfigurecollection: https://myfigurecollection.net/profile/Taralen For my figure and hobby-related stuff (doujin, merch, etc.) I sometimes build my own figures (aka Garage Kits.) I've been collecting valuables since I was a kid, so you can consider me an experienced collector. Have questions to avoid getting scammed? I'm the one to poke!

Pixiv: https://www.pixiv.net/en/users/3540237 [[JP Only. Also 18+ but censored.]]

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/taralen Uncensored 18+ options, Hi-res versions, process compilations, and original pieces (usually concept art) I don't upload publicly.

Discord: [[Private]] I love meeting new people, but I would rather speak to someone privately on here first before I share this. I'm extremely chatty, so be warned!

Twitter/X: https://twitter.com/Taralen I'm the least active on here, but I might as well include it.

DNI IF YOU: Nothing offends me. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) JK I am a very curious and open-minded person. If you have views that don't align with mine, we might not have the best conversation, but it can certainly be an enlightening or interesting one! What are my views? Well, we learn these things from each other through polite conversation. Exposing myself to different lifestyles and opinions is enriching. Who knows? Even a hateful individual might change their mind when speaking to someone with kindness and understanding. I'm open to being followed, messaged, etc., by just about anyone, even people who I vehemently disagree with, UNLESS: ❎ You've committed or condoned acts of animal, child, elderly, or disabled person abuse/assault. We don't need slimes like that anywhere. Anyone that harms real innocents is a piece of human scum, regardless of whether or not they fit the categories I listed. ❎ You're just trying to sell some sex service to me. Sorry, but I am not interested. ❎ Condone or committed acts of necrophilia on deceased humans or animals. Seriously, what the $%^& is wrong with you? ❎ You are a stalker. Kind of obvious, but I had one in the past, so don't act like I forgot. 8^)

If you have similar interests, feel free to message me or ask me questions. I am lonely, so it's nice to talk to new people now and then. If you think my ideas, "headcanons," or interpretations are stupid, then that's fine. I don't expect everyone to like them. It is what it is.

Any and all reblogs are appreciated. If you repost my stuff like, say, on Reddit, please give credit and link back to the source, whether it be here or somewhere else. I always like seeing my work shared.

[gillianthecat]

.

Although I hadn't been particularly following Build or the Kinnporsche actors in general, that show was my entry point into BL fandom and I still see a lot about it and the actors crossing my dash. I tend not to seek out behind the scenes or "real life" information about actors (with occasional exceptions of hyper-fixations on specific people) and stay well aware that I know next to nothing about what actors and their relationships are really like, that what they show about themselves is crafted and intentional and may or may not reflect reality. And so I was slightly surprised to find myself feeling emotionally discombobulated by the news coming out about Build and Poi.

I do not know what happened, and I offer no opinions and guesses on what actually happened, and who in their circles knew what. This post is about me, not them.

I have the urge, always, to know what's happening, to seek out information, to understand the truth of the matter. I thought could stay "neutral" about this, that is, not seek out information but calmly consume what came across my dash. But I just now filtered all the relevant tags I could think of. I want to understand, but the truth is simply not available to me right now. And may never be. And while a part of me feels like it's disrespectful to the victim, whoever they maybe, to not want to know the truth of what happened, the fact is my knowing or not knowing doesn't change a thing about their lives. They don't know me, I have no power over their lives, and that is how it should be.

I think I find this upsetting for a couple reasons. First, I did like Build as an actor. He was the one in the cast who's acting I found most compelling, who seemed the most skilled to me, and I have been curious to see what he does next. So there is that feeling of loss, or worry about loss, that if these allegations turn out to be true, I will not get that. Because even if he gets to keep acting (although the climate for a relatively unknown Thai BL actor is very unlike that for someone like CK Louis so I suspect if the allegations are true he wouldn't get more work) I would not be able to watch him anymore, and so that would be a loss. And, even though I hadn't thought I'd had expectations for him as a person (and even less so after I'd heard bits and pieces about previous bad behavior of his) I am surprised to find I do have a sense of betrayal about it. He does seem like a nice guy. I do like the way he presents himself, at least in the little bits I've seen.

And of course, abuse is just unpleasant. Thinking about real people hurting each other of course is going to make me feel unhappy. In fiction, it's safely contained, there's a narrative arc, and no real people were actually harmed, so I can analyze it, get in my feelings about it. But with rumors of abuse by real people, there is no catharsis available.

And then lastly, there is the confusion of it all. They both have bad reputations in some way or other, there is evidence presented that may or may not be credible, I'm getting everything third or fourth hand and through at least one layer of translation that may or may not be accurate. Fans have strong opinions on either side, "she is a known awful person and so she must be lying," "she posted photos so he must be guilty," and I get overwhelmed by the certainty they show, the stregnth of the connection they seem to feel for these actors and writers they don't know personally.

Most of the people I follow have much more measured takes, recognizing that we (that is, everyone outside of Poi and Build and their inner circles) don't actually know what's happening, but it's only natural to have opinions and guesses about it. And I'm finding that even reading those makes me feel like I too should know what's happening, even though I don't need to and in fact it's impossible for me too. My internal tension between, believe victims, accusations are rarely lies versus everything I've read about her makes her sound like an abusive harasser versus of course that doesn't mean that she's lying and abusers can also be abused themselves versus I don't know what stories that I've read about any of them are actually true. And perhaps a few of the facts I could verify, but, as I said above, it wouldn't help me understand much more and only make me feel worse.

I was reluctant to post anything, because I don't want to add to the speculations and unfounded opinions about this, or clutter up the dashes of anyone else trying to avoid the topic altogether. But I decided for my own sake I needed to get this stuff out of my head and onto the page, so here it is. Not sure if any of the words make sense or manage to convey what I'm feeling, but at least its not rattling around in my brain poisoning my mood.

You are all welcome to come talk to me about your feelings about this news, and how it's affecting you personally, although I'd prefer not to get speculation about what happened, or opinions on who is telling the truth.

[quitblamingnarcissism]

Just wanted to reach out because you seem open to discussion, and I want to get a better understanding of narcissism so more people have compassion for those who feel it is a stigmatized struggle.

So I was abused badly growing up. And when I open up about how a certain man treated me to people like my therapist, even she will do things like say, “sounds like a narcissist”, to which my brain now associates that mental illness with negativity (in the same way it does to psychopaths and sociopaths). Even though you can’t *help* the way that you are, it’s just how you’re wired.

But when I was younger, I also struggled with mental illness, some of it being harmful to myself, and I won’t get into details since it might be triggering. And did mental health professionals validate me? For the most part, no. I felt stigmatized, I was told I was ungrateful and doing it for attention, and people felt bad for my abusers and how I reacted, not the abuse itself. The way I was treated was overlooked, because the way I reacted was “extreme and wrong” by neurotypical standards.

Basically, what I’m saying is that while I have different mental struggles, I really want to understand and empathize with the way the world treats you over how your mind functions. I have been there to some degree, and I’m sorry that society and even many mental health professionals invalidate what you go through.

It’s not your fault, and I wish you the best.

I haven't actually been diagnosed with NPD and I don't know enough about it to self diagnose. If you're looking for information from people with NPD, there are other blogs run by people with NPD that would be better for that.

I mostly created this blog because I regularly witness abuse being normalized by society and people only see a problem with abuse when a mentally ill person does it. I've experienced many of the things that get labeled as "narcissistic abuse" and I've witnessed other people experience it so many times, and so many people seem to side with the abuser and blame the victim. Only when the word "narcissist" is used do they suddenly realize how abusive the actions are.

Also, while I may or may not have a personality disorder, I'm definitely neurodivergent. And I refuse to sit back and watch other neurodivergent people be demonized. As an autistic person, I know what it's like to have people like me be labeled as disrespectful of boundaries while neurotypical people proudly disrespect boundaries on a regular basis and are praised for it. While the phrase "autistic abuse" isn't used the same way "narcissistic abuse" is, it very easily could be.

Mental health professionals can be very ignorant. Many of them, when they were kids, were the first to bully someone for being weird. They then think they're saints just for tolerating neurodivergent people's presence.

[impunkster-syndrome]

my reply on that post was about the idea that the fandom would be unwelcoming to plural folk. i basically said that i myself am plural and that while we cannot control the actions of the fandom, we absolutely curate bad behavior in the fancord where we can catch it, and obviously do not discourage sch fictives considering *i* am a clown with fictives.

but i will add since im here that kitty blocking you is not because you Dared to criticize kit. it's because all of the dogpiling and negativity was unbelievably stressful, you all behave as if there is no person behind the screen, or that she is trying to hide behind trauma as an 'excuse.' that is Not the case. kitty blocked, and will continue to block, every single person involved with those blogs just because again, it was so stressful as a traumatized individual. so much toxicity buried any potentially Good criticisms. we Hear yall on the issues like barry not being drawn as fat as he usee to be anymore, or polly missing their cane, we Will rectify actual issues like that.

we welcome issues being brought up and have listened many times before. the fact of the matter is is that no one was going about it constructively at all.

While I do interact with some criticism blogs, I legitimately don't care for some of the criticism from blogs and approach the media as someone entirely new to it. Media analysis is my hobby, and I see so much potential in Sparklecare plus the related media like the therapy spinoff as someone who has dealt with stuff like systemic ableism and interpersonal ableism. I think some of the criticism blogs don't exactly focus on the bigger issues at hand- the lack of nuance, pacing, the high barrier of entry to being able to understand the media through expecting readers to have done hours of scrolling through social media for lore, the problems of not having page numbers on the site visible and not being able to easily skip to specific pages, etc. However, you do not help yourself here by clearly never having actually read and understood my posts. In fact, I do see some staff acting like trauma makes the media immune to criticism, when trauma can make beautiful art that can speak to people at a core level like Alice: Madness Returns. It just can't get that good without people actually being able to point out things that can be fixed and improved upon. The timing for being blocked despite never actually interacting with the main sparklecare blog plus the posts about how people shouldn't take it as anything other than vent art despite the site's about page itself claiming it is a social commentary tell me that it was about my posts and critique of the media as what it claims itself to be. I had never seen anyone else talk about it in that way in the tags, which was astounding to me as someone that reads social commentary like Discworld and is currently working through Lolita so I can write about the objectification of CSA survivors and erasure of our stories and identities by abusers. If it was never meant to be seen as social commentary, that needs to be removed from the site.

I approach it less like a disappointed fan and more like a creative because I've been in Kittycorn's position at about the same age- 15. I wanted to make a twine game about my trauma and abuse I was still undergoing because I wanted to know why I was being abused and it was a cry for someone to help me. There were also many other projects, and some that I have refined over time. I have OCs I talk about and I use them to explore parts of myself. This is my disability blog too, and I'm going to have opinions on disability-related media and representation in it.

I honestly suggest you read over the posts I have written about Sparklecare and then reevaluate if you think I am coming from a malicious place like you seem to think I am.

As for the alterhuman thing, I will say that it was from publicly available information at the time. I'm not going to be in a fandom discord when I have stuff like a job to worry about and the whole media is a migraine risk to me.

Also- I've seen some staff literally tokenize Kittycorn and act like kits schizophrenia is what makes kit excused from all critique. The holding up of kit as a bully victim and not a 23 year old person able to handle kits own issues is infantilizing to disabled people. We can handle our own shit. You personally need to learn the line between bullying and publicly discussing media that was made public, as someone who got extensively bullied in school for years. It's not the same thing here. Kittycorn is a person behind the screen- but so are the people you proclaim as bullies and dehumanize by acting like all criticism is unfounded or coming from "bad people."

[punkinspice]

If you don't mind my asking, are you still Christian? I have seen your posts over time about leaving cults and whatnot, and I was curious how that impacted your faith.

Hello! I don't mind you asking at all, and I am happy to talk about it, it's just that it's a very touchy, complicated, controversial and long answer that I don't always know how to answer it in a way that makes sense. (this may get really deep)

If I were to be 100% honest, I will admit that I personally no longer believe in or identify with being a Christian or the Christian faith.

As to what I believe in currently, or what I'd call myself now? I really don't have an answer to that. I guess you could say I'm currently leaning more towards being an agnostic and sometimes atheist? But honestly, the things I may agree with today, may change tomorrow. and I'm sure the things I will believe in currently will be completely changed in a year. And.... I am ok with that. I want to be questioning and to have an open mind to things, opinions and questions and to have the permission to be wrong and to change my mind on things as I learn new or more information.

This is not a choice that I've come to easily, or glibly. It's been a process I've been in the past 3 maybe 4 years of my life, and I think in the last year is when I've chosen to leave the faith. It's a place I never thought I would be in and it's involved a lot of pain, confusion and trauma and healing in my life. There is a whole ton more I could go more deeply into, but I don't feel this is the right post to do that, and I don't quite have words yet to explain or describe everything.

As far as the cult thing goes, there were and are a lot ways that I was raised and taught to believe in, that by definition, was a cult. There were a lot things that were abusive and still traumatize and cut into me deeply and I am in the process of recovering from and untangling the things that were taught to me and it still brings up a lot of trauma for me, of which I am thankfully getting help for.

I also joined a well known Christian organization around the age of 21/22, and was in it for over 2 years, until Covid hit and I had to go home. And the more time I was out and after a ton of research and studying, I will be honest and say that that organization is a cult, and it did leave a lot of mental and financial wounds on me that I am going to be recovering from for a long time. Did I learn a lot from that experience and grow from it? Yes I did, but it is an experience and chapter of my life that I am glad is over.

I know that from the short examples that I've given it's really easy to say that that really wasn't true Christianity, or it was just people poorly misrepresenting the word and love of God, or worse, blaming me and saying that I was never a Christian to begin with, which I can't even begin to explain how much and how deeply into the faith I truly was, and how hurtful that allegation is.

...And maybe all of that is true... And maybe it isn't....

There is a lot of pain, betrayal, anger and grief that I am still healing from and will be healing from for years to come. I don't want to live in a state of bitterness and anger and blame of the things that were done to me. But I also want to admit and be honest about the wrongs that were done to me and the abuse that was done to me in the name of Love.

I need time and separation, but mostly I need love and understanding. It's one of the most painful and isolating experiences I've ever gone through in my life, and so utterly earth shattering and life changing and most of the time you can't even talk to your family or friends about it because you are so afraid of the way they will react and what they will take away from you.

A lot of this is very surface level of my journey through this "deconstruction" of faith if that's what you want to call it. There's so much more that I could go in depth in, but again I don't always have the words or mental fortitude to really get into a lot of things.

If you still have questions I'll try my best to answer. I know this is a really sad and hard thing for a lot of people to hear, and yeah.

It is sad. It's devastating.

There are days I wish could go back to the way it was, or that I could fully go back into the faith.... but I can't. And, despite the excruciating pain and grief that I've been going through, I ironically feel so much more freedom and peace than I ever did in religion. Which I know is hard to comprehend... it's hard for me to explain.

I'm sorry for the ramble and the heaviness. But I guess now's as good a time as any to finally admit this about myself and where I am at.

My final thought is to please have so much grace and understanding to people in your life who are going through a similar process to me. If you have friends or family in this same process, please just be kind to them. They didn't ask for any of this, and many times these doubts and questions came from things out of their control, and they're simply trying and surviving the best they can. There is so much pain there that I'm sure they haven't expressed to you because they are afraid of losing everyone and everything that they love, simply because they do not believe in the same thing anymore. So just love them, and hold space for them and don't argue or defend, as that will only push them away further. And also be open to them. They may have very important and valid insights to things that you may have become blind to. If you really believe in a loving, kind and gracious God then he would be doing those things for these people 10 fold.

[jewishvitya]

Personally, seeing people with NPD talk about the problems with the term "narcissistic abuse" was enough for me to have an issue with it. NPD is a trauma-induced disorder and I can't bring myself to treat it differently from other disorders that get stigmatized and demonized.

But seeing the origins of the term and the person who coined it, I honestly feel both horrified and validated.

The shortest summary I can give: this term was coined by a bigoted abuser named Sam Vaknin. He has no background in psychology, and he coined this term to excuse his own abusive behavior by saying he had no choice. He wanted to claim the abuse is in his nature. No accountability, no need to change. The whole concept started out to justify staying a harmful person.

This post has more information on him, listing transphobia, homophobia, rape apologia, and more from the creator of the concept.

Now this idea fills every social space a person with NPD could occupy. If someone with NPD seeks out community and resources to manage the issues caused by their disorder, instead of help all they will find is conversations about how they're inherently harmful. They'll find abusers that were never diagnosed being named narcissists, because it's now just "bad person disorder." And with how common it is to armchair diagnose hurtful people, they won't even need to look for it.

And there's this attitude, this assumption that a person with NPD can't be hurt, or if they do get hurt they inherently deserve it. I've seen their concerns dismissed with jokes, like "lol why won't anyone think of the narcissists" - because how dare they ask for consideration when their disorder is discussed. From my perspective, it's seems dehumanizing.

I've been thinking about this for a very long time because I know more than one survivor who uses this term. I see it everywhere online now, either explicitly or by implication through calling abusers narcissists. Survivors of abuse deserve to speak about their experiences and their trauma. There should be a way to name this kind of emotional and psychological abuse, without adding to the stigma of an already-stigmatized disorder, and without armchair-diagnosing abusers with disorders we don't know they actually have.

I have a problem with the urge to group every dangerous person into the same category. It's the same issue I have with the idea that people who don't experience empathy are inherently bad, like the lack of mirrored emotions means they can't be compassionate and kind. Brains are too complicated for there to be one trait, or one kind of wound, that makes someone a bad person. It's human nature to seek out something to blame, to try to make sense of these things, but I think it's good to interrogate the thought patterns that come naturally.

I'm not saying that there's no person with NPD who's an unrepentant abuser. But people are people, and in every group there will be those that don't care about the harm they cause, and those that want to be good people. Abusers fall into patterns because those are the patterns that keep their victims under their control and get them what they want. There is no "bad person disorder."

Always suspect rhetoric that encourages you to dehumanize someone. Always. If a line of thinking leads you to seeing a person or a group as monsters - it's dangerous.

[mental-health-advice]

Hi, I just wanted to vent and ask for advice. I'm a 14F, and I've been struggling with anxiety. I haven't been diagnosed, or even tested because I can't tell anyone anything that I've been struggling with. I've never cried, it started when I cried after I got hurt at a sports game and my dad told me to stop crying. I can't remember if he said this, but I remember the words "you're embarrassing yourself" that could be the start of my deprecating thoughts. I struggle with self love sometimes. I just look in the mirror and I think to myself that I look ugly. I even look back at old photos and videos I thought I looked good in and just see some ugly girl. I'm not exactly the most social person, but I don't have trouble talking to most people. I tend to be loud and boisterous(?) during class with my friends and with boys I like. I'm not here to talk about boys though. I just feel all this pressure on me which I put on myself. I have to be the smartest, the nicest, not a mean person although I have mean humor sometimes. I have to not say anything because my brother is having anxiety etc. issues and my parents think I'm the "normal" one. I have to be cool, and I've started to crack. I cry every second day. I used to not cry for a year, have one bad day, and cry for 5 minutes. I was 10-13. Am I in the wrong? Is something messed me up? My parents aren't abusive, they tell me and my brother they love me all the time. But one time I didn't get any information about an award at my school and my mum questioned it. She didn't think I wasn't going to get an award because I get them all the time. Because of my intelligence which I put pressure on myself for. I can't talk to anyone and it makes my parents upset and I have no solutions. Even now I'm trying to cry but I'm thinking that I'm being dramatic, and I'm not worth being able to cry and I'm thinking that I have no problems worth crying. This isn't helping the weight on my chest and in my throat go away even though it usually works. I just feel so worthless sometimes and I wonder if Im a poorer version of myself that I used to be. Am I really the best me? Because I can't help but feel that past mes would hate seeing me as I am now.

The thing I'm asking you guys is what to do? Im not able to try counseling because I can't talk to anyone. Please help if you can, but if you can't don't worry about it. Please respond though so I know you have no solutions.

Thanks,

M

Hey there,

Firstly, there is always a solution/s to any problems that a person may have, sometimes you just need to think outside of the box to find them!

It is quite normal to cry, even on a regular basis and so I find it unusual to hear of a person who may not cry for a whole year only to then have a bad day or two, cry for a short period of time and then not cry for another year or so. I am not saying that this doesn’t happen, but crying is a healthy way of getting through life and especially if we are having (like you mentioned) a really bad day or if you are struggling with something or feel as though everything is just way too much and you just need an outlet of some kind to release what may be building up or erupting from inside of you.

It must have been so difficult for you when your Dad mentioned to you that when you cried after being injured at a sports game, that he told you to stop because you were embarrassing yourself. Sometimes, crying can just be automatic. So for example something happens or we get hurt either physically or emotionally and so our immediate reaction is to cry. This is OK. This is normal. And so maybe it was more to do with your Dad feeling uncomfortable with the fact that you were crying, even though in life, there is nothing wrong at all with crying and it is something that we all do and at times cannot control.

I am so sorry that you feel as though you cannot speak up to your parents in regards to your own struggles due to your brother having his own anxieties and other things going on for him. It’s important to know though that you are important too though and your parents won’t love you any less for allowing yourself to tell them that you struggle with anxiety yourself but often feel like you have to be completely OK and/ or the normal one. Often when we have siblings who struggle and it is known by our parents, we can often feel overlooked or not get as much attention as compared to our other sibling/s due to our parents feeling as though we do not need as much because we are OK and normal. This is why it’s important to try to be as honest as you can with your parents because as you already said the cracks are starting to show, and so wouldn’t it be easier to let them know now before you begin to feel worse or things start getting worse for you? It’s never too late to put your hand up to your parents or anyone really and just say ‘help’ or ‘I’m not OK either’, so I would gently recommend you talking to your parents if you feel able and comfortable in doing so – even if it’s through a letter if this is easier for you to do.

In regards to struggling with self-love, it sounds as though you may have low self-esteem and so you look down upon yourself and everything that you do and see about and within yourself. So it may be beneficial to work on building up your self-esteem slowly – I say slowly because if we do anything too fast then we can easily become overwhelmed which will only worsen the situation.

So, how can a person build up their self-esteem?

You could try to do things like each week or day thinking of one thing about yourself that you actually like. It could be in regards to your personality or something about your looks. So for me, one thing I really do like about myself is my hair – I don’t know why but I just do and feel as though I’d be lost without it!

Another idea may be to write out a list of positive things about yourself. So, what are you good at? What qualities do you have about yourself? Are you a caring and kind person. Are you better at one thing over another. What do you enjoy doing. What are your favourite hobbies or interests. Writing out positive things about yourself (and they could include anything) can be really helpful and especially re-reading through them when we are really struggling, it can also help us to think about other things we like and can re-enforce to us that we are actually an OK person and there is nothing wrong with us at all!

Also trying to be kind to yourself and allowing yourself to feel whatever emotion that comes up. So whether this is anger, sadness, happiness or joy. Allow these emotions to come and go and remind yourself that any emotion you are feeling is OK and is completely valid. Meaning that it’s also OK to cry, about anything, big or small. We all find ourselves crying at different things depending on the person we are inside, so never doubt or feel like you shouldn’t be crying yourself – it’s OK and is a valid thing to do whenever you need to!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[1863-project]

so for your poll abt abelism in fandom communities - i voted yes + reblogged but i will say i dont 1000% know im doing this right.

but for my experiences its been a lot of stigmatising of cluster b personality disorders. i have BPD which is already incredibly misunderstood/stigmatised but especially in fandom spaces where its "i headcanon x character w bpd" and immediately met with "no u cant bc ppl w bpd r evil and functionally not even ppl!!! all they do is hurt ppl they care about fuck them fuck ppl w bpd!!!" which

is incredibly harmful, as you'd imagine.

as well, i have autism and suspected schizophrenia and OCD (autism diagnosed, i am working on getting evaluated for schizophrenia and/or OCD) and fandom spaces can be incredibly rude to people with autism. whether it is schizophrenia related or not, i deal with extreme bouts of paranoia. fandom spaces also have a tendency to play into this - ie "joking" threats to be in my walls to hunt me down to kill me because i have a different fandom opinion.

its. alot. and i avoid most fandom spaces because of it.

Anon, I'm so sorry this has been your experience, because it absolutely should not be. This is the entire point of doing the poll and using the data to work on an essay - this behavior needs to be addressed and acknowledged as harmful.

I'm autistic with OCD myself, and this website is definitely bad to people with OCD. The misunderstanding of intrusive thoughts and how so many people become purity police and assume those intrusive thoughts actually mean you want to do something instead of understanding that they cause OCD folks extreme distress and anxiety is really, really harmful. And don't get me started on autism - I've been out in the real world doing self-advocacy for over a decade now, and the way a lot of people in fandom spaces treat autism is abysmal - there's even a lot of internalized ableism on that front, i.e. "I can't be ableist because I'm also disabled!" We all have internalized ableism to work through because of the world we live in.

Cluster B personality disorders and psychotic disorders get it the worst, though, with people treating those with them as "inhuman" and "evil" more often than not. No one is inherently more "evil" than anyone else. A personality disorder doesn't necessarily indicate that a person is bad. A psychotic disorder doesn't, either. BPD in particular actually makes a person very vulnerable to being abused due to the nature of how it works, but people love ignoring that part.

RE: people using your paranoia to send hateful anons, be really careful about what you share about yourself online. If you give too much information about what specifically can be used to hurt you, some people will absolutely do it. I know I may sound like an overly cautious adult to many of you (I'm 34), but when I was a teenager, we didn't put any personal information online in order to keep ourselves safe. If you aren't talking to people you really trust, don't necessarily share that information, because people are often cruel when they feel they can be so without any repercussions. Don't put all your triggers in your Carrd, don't make massive DNIs with all of the things that can hurt you in them - just use the block button and protect yourselves. Not everyone is acting in bad faith, and indeed, most humans aren't, but there are always some who will, and if they know how to hurt you or get back at you, they won't hesitate to hit where it hurts.

I'm sorry you have to remove yourself from fandom spaces just to feel safe, anon. It really isn't fair and you should be allowed to have a safe experience too.