#i dont actively seek out content anymore

[shadow0-1]

I mean i looove Valeria, i think she's portrayed nicely as a woman in a world dominated by men BUT what i don't get is how it goes over someone's head to call her a tragic hero instead of villain?? Aus and all that are fine, I'd do that too but she's literally murdering people in las almas to send a "message"??? She's a friggin drug crime lord that has possibly done god knows what to her city and beyond just because she acknowledged to herself her way is better.

And now she's going to fight fire with fire with Alejandro. C'mon like villains can be evil and they can still be great characters, no need to goodify them smh , sorry for a wee rant

It's true and you should fucking say it

[writterings]

ive been actively seeking out transphobic content for a project im doing and it's literally so wild to see what these types of people think. like i dont even mean this in the bluffing way or in the "im a better person than them way" but LEGIT you almost start to feel bad for these people because while they claim us trans people are the delusional ones, they're literally the ones who've built their entire identities and ideologies on hating trans people. this isn't even an exaggeration, their entire accounts are dedicated to transphobia and you can see that they spend like 6-12+ hours posting like nonstop with a quick scroll. and it's like, what's left after that? are you even a person anymore? are you okay? you can choose to stop this at any point, you know that right? but if you ever express that, they'll just call you one of their little made up words like a TIF or TIM or troon or whatever the hell else their cultish "community" has come up with like that actually matters in the real world.

like fr im not gonna lie, seeing this much transphobic content on like 4chan and kiwi farms and even here has made me realize the world actually is a lot more accepting of trans people and many people are on our side -- and this is based on the fact that these stupid transphobes literally act so fucking bizarre that i think even an on-the-fence-on-semi-conservative-trans-issues person would be like "hey. what the fuck. that's not normal."

and, like, in my deep dive i've found that these losers have literally doxxed trans influencers on IG or tiktok and like....these influencers have no clue and aren't bothered bc these transphobic losers actually have no influence or backbone what so ever to actually do anything with this information. doesn't make it right, of course, but like...they're just pathetic and have no reach to the real world? like online transphobia is rampant but when you actually explore their designated spaces it's just like. goddamn i know i got issues but whatever the fuck they got going on needs a cure stronger than touching grass and prozac. like these people legit need to throw out their computers and go to intense therapy for their obsession with hating trans people.

like, overall, i thought doing research for this project would worsen my mental state and even make some dysphoria flare up -- but it's literally making me more affirmed and confident as a trans person because these fucking transphobic losers literally act like they're suffering in pain just because trans people exist.

[quinnonimp]

i’m in the same situation (having no hyperfixations) and i feel like a husk of a man 💀 IM KIND OF GLAD SOMEONE GETS IT THOUGH LMAO

LIKEEEEEEEE 😭 its so difficult to get super into media for me idek what i enjoy anymore atp . whenever ive lost a hpf its bc i got a new one so it feels awfully weird to be in that void where theres nothing to stick to . i dont think ive ever had to actively seek out things to love, or to get super excited over - atleast not for this long . its supposed to just come & go naturally

ofc i still have lots of stuff i like, im not solely reliant on obsessions & theres LOTS of things i love to do with my friends, but with those interests theres a difference bc i actually have to remember that i like them - instead of constantly thinking about them like i do with hpfs . i need to sort of be reminded of my common interests, & do something about them, rather than the lingering excitement of a hpf being enough for me

the thing ive been sort of latching onto these days is my ocs (cablecore specifically) but maaaaan is it difficult when i have severe fatigue, cause i gotta make ALL my own content but i cant fully enjoy it since i cannot for the life of me finish any of the things i make . plus theres nobody to consistently make back-n-forth discussions of my ocs with since LITERALLY nobody gets them like i do LMFAOO

but luckily im not too hung up on this whole "no hyperfixations" thing, its just, like, boring ? to not have one . & im not used to this feeling going on for so long so its slightly confusing to experience; but atleast i still have lots of things to do yk, i like to play & draw . im just hoping my next hpf is carcinization or something instead of boys kissing

[7habitsofhighlyeviceratedpeople]

Hi I have some concerns regarding your server. I don't think it's a good idea to have your Outlast server be all ages... Outlast is a very adult game and isn't appropriate for teens to be discussing with random adults in a discord server, even if the discussions aren't necessarily bad, ie just gushing over a character or whatever; it's because of the nature of the game itself that makes it inappropriate. Red Barrels themselves don't want underage ppl interacting with their content either, their website has you put your date of birth in to even look at anything, and their official server actually is 18+. There's a reason why they do that. If there are minors in the server that get upset over not being allowed in anymore, if you do decide to make it 18+, then they can create their own Outlast server only for people their own age, so that its teens talking to teens with less risk of anything sus happening. I could never tell a 14 yr old to stop liking Outlast because I was a 14 yr old who loved Outlast, but being in the fandom and discussing aspects of the game with adults wasn't appropriate for me then and it still isn't now. I'm saying this from experience. Honestly I don't think any discord server even if totally SFW and clean should have both adults and teens in it because theres too mush risk involved. I think having a server for fans of Outlast is great and I'm sure fans in the server are happy with how it is, but making the server safer for both adults and minors in the server would probably make people happier

Hello! Sorry it took me a bit to get back to you, I just saw this today and needed some time to collect my thoughts because I wasn’t exactly sure how to approach this in a way that aligns with my own personal values for the server and also tries to adhere to what you are asking of me. I take the safety of people, especially minors in my server extremely seriously. I also got into Outlast at a young age and have had my fair share of experiences in the fandom with creeps, usually adults or just plain weird people. My server is 13+ to be the most inclusive, while trying to simultaneously make the space as safe as possible for everyone involved. While I agree that there are absolutely sus people in this fandom (more so than others) and that it can be extremely dangerous for minors to even coexist in the fandom with these people, as i’ve literally spoken about in the past, it’s very easy for bad situations to happen. That being said, I personally find it easier and more safe to curate my space in a way where it’s inclusive to minors while also keeping it as safe as I have control over making it. The rules are specifically designed to make sure that weirdos DONT get in, and we have a very active community with moderators enforcing these rules. We don’t allow anything NSFW to get in the server outside of the specified channels, which BY THE WAY are role locked. You HAVE to be 18+ (unless you feel comfortable lying to me which I can’t really control and i don’t want to completely lock minors out of the server just over the potential of a person lying to me which will result in an immediate ban) We don’t allow any sort of discussion about anything NSFW in any channels, including conversations about sex, drugs, etc. The rules are insanely fine tuned to make things as safe as possible, and as of right now myself and mods feel it is safer to keep the server the way it is, than to kick all the ppl who are younger than 18 out to go find some other worse server or make their own which i personally don’t find to be a super safe option either. Here they are more protected imo than if they went to seek out other servers/made one that was ONLY minors. This is my personal stance on the matter, and I understand that this isn’t what you wanted to hear. For that I apologize but I will always be prioritizing the safety of the people in my server in the best way i feel that I can. I feel like under the rules we have and the safety measures instated they are the most safe in this server than one that’s completely lawless and i feel like one minor lying to me about their age is less dangerous than a creep lying about THEIR age to get into a server full of fucking minors. Doesn’t sit right with me, once again I am sorry. I will consider making the server age requirement older and speaking to the mods and members about putting even more safety things in place but like i said I just feel safer with the way things are. My dms are open for concerns btw 🤞 There is more I could say on this but I feel like this gets my feelings across the best way I can :) to me it’s like banning smthn like abortion. (weird example i know) it doesn’t stop ppl from getting them but it just makes for a safer, more sterile environment! Remember it is a FANDOM server at the end of the day and this is a very different situation than Red Barrels putting an age thing on their websites (which ppl can just lie to with yr logic lol)

[koskela-knights]

This is gonna be a bit of a vent so I'll put it under the cut

Sometimes I really wonder how others and followers perceive and interact with my blog. Do u only see my stuff when it appears on ur dashboard? Or do u actively seek out this blog and scroll through it?

I see people like and sometimes reblog my age-old memes from months ago 😂 did u see them on someone else’s blog and decided to rb from the OP?

Well idk, but sometimes it kinda stings when most people only reblog stuff I reblog, like fanart and photos and seem to ignore all the stuff I make. Like wow thnx for following me only for others’ people stuff i guess. This blog was initially created to yeah, reblog bout the Koskelas but there was literally 0 content to reblog so it became more of a place where I share my own stuff

Again, I keep having trouble by comparing myself to others. Putting so much time and love into my serious art, gifs and moodboard edits only for most of them to be ignored or sit at a low 5 notes (given the fact I have more followers than that but 90% seems to not be active here. Some people rly start following me and then never reblogged or liked anything. Not even stuff I reblog from others.)

Like yeah I still enjoy sharing stuff I make but it gets harder and harder and I hate to often catch myself thinking:

is it even still worth posting when barely anyone interacts or reblogs anymore? Is it even worth making something anymore?🤪 (glad my fixation conquers the self-doubt more often than not)

maybe my art is just not good enough or not pleasing enough or whatever for people to want it on their own blog 🤡 Ik the note amount isn't everything to strive for lol but as a somewhat visual indicator of how much smth might be liked and enjoyed, it sucks ass at times when barely anyone interacts but only interact on stuff u didn't make. At first I wondered if people dont rly know what the rb button is until people do reblog stuff that isnt mine 🤸 Anyways that’s actually a big reason I started another sideblog to rb and to keep most stuff on here, just be my stuff. Cue the decline in activity.

It's already difficult being a Koskela fan, given the fact how little the large average fandom seems to care but I've seen other Koskela fanart that gotten 100+ notes. Makes me always think how??? Maybe they're more popular and have a bigger reach... The annoying voice in my head tells me it's becos their art is better T_T

But I think popularity really is key becos I remember when the 6 second Koskela BTS video came out and I created gifs out of it, which in the end did get a bigger rb/love than most of my work ever reached, but some other blog instantly had like 100-200+ notes on the same gifset that hadn't even fully separated each fragment of that 6second thing 😂

Anyways that's all for today. Sometimes I gotta express some insecurities and disappointment lmao

[jkgnggj]

for the ask game!! what do u think about makokuu :3c (i am so obsessed with them i need to know)

LMAO ok so this one's hard bc it's like, I ship it and I don't. Like I do like the ship and I can see them together they'd be so good but bad for each other but like in a good way yk? But I don't actively seek fanfiction or fanart or content for them yk? But I do like the fanart I've seen so I'll say I ship it 👍

1. What made you ship it?

So idrk when it started or how but it's just the thought of the two older brothers who annoy their younger siblings together is so silly to me. Like I probs heard or saw sum fanart or a meme about the ship and I was hooked like "at first I was like mm makoku as a joke but bro I dont think it's a joke anymore" < like that

2. What are your favorite things Abt the ship?

Oo ahh that's a hard one ummm I like how they annoy tf outta each other. And they're in denial. Like they're not even friends idek if they ever met like it's so far from canon but at the same time they're like equals to me in a way. They're like idk foils or something idk how to describe it they're like complementary to each other. Like they're opposites but also super similar and I love that sm. I am a big sucker for opposites attract and enemies to lovers pfft if u couldn't tell </3

3. Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

Unpopular opinion? Hmm it's a toughie bc like I said I don't think Abt them a lot like I don't concoct headcanons or scenarios with the sillies :( I will say this tho, I don't like or dislike the characters individually. Like I don't hate them tho I don't care or mind if other people do. I won't defend them or their actions but sometimes I do think some people make them out to be even worse than they were shown to be. (I think the reason why this happens is bc those people either relate to the struggles of Kokomi or kusuo bc they've had similar experiences in the past) and that's totally fine and reasonable bc again these are just fictional characters u can hate or like them or project onto them all you want and that's valid. But I am not makoto or kusuke hater nor apologist, like I said before I don't really mind their characters and that in and of itself is probably an unpopular opinion bc u either love em or hate em :/ but yes u can expect no judgement from me whether u enjoy or hate the characters.

[cbocstar]

I think I'm slowly coming to terms with my friendship that's been ending. I am saddened, and I have noticed a pattern between my friends over the last few years. This friend is someone I have known since high school (I'll name her Rina). Kavie and I and Rina were the three muskateers. There were three of us in this group. We were outsiders but out of comfort. I've known Kavie since 8th grade. She's like one of my best friends. Rina I met in p.e. class and Kavie and I both loved her dearly but once we graduated high school and started college I already felt this invisible thread being pulled. And I've been holding onto it tightly as she casually loosens the seams. I am very sentimental and I live vicariously through my memories. I don't really remember much of my childhood due to childhood trauma. So, when it comes to friendships, they are so important to me. It started out in small episodes. Rina would bring another friend (ill name her Tina) to the hangouts and I'm just like OKAY COOL, NEW FRIENDS!! And it got to the point when Rina would have inside jokes with her new friend and would wear matching outfits on our day outings. And felt like I was at the butt of the receiving end of the joke. Rina and Tina would hang out a lot and I'm just whatever that's okay. Rina can be her own person and make friends. Rina wanted to hang out later at night more instead of during the daytime. At the time I had a curfew (I still have one but this is now by my own choice), and I couldn't stay out too late so Rina didn't include me in the hangout invitations anymore. Kavie couldn't hang out late due to her situation at home. But our outings with Rina became fewer and less. I remember asking to get together and she cancelled. Then Kavie and I got a bunch of Snapchat from Rina and Tina of both of them hanging out together that same night in a teasing way. It was a huge spam. I remember my phone spazzing and closing and crashing because of the amount of content that was sent to me from both parties. I had serious FOMO so I remember lashing out and asking Rina to not send me any more snaps of it because it was rude and obnoxious. That was probably the first crack into the friendship. But after that, I didn't see Rina as much anymore and we just did our own thing. Multiple Years passed by. I started a relationship with my ex Steven and Rina started to become active in my life again and would frequently shoot me messages asking me if I would be interested in doing double dates with her and her bf. I just started that relationship with steven and I already had a feeling about the personality which is very different, so I said no. Steven and I didn't last due to multiple differences and Rina would cancel plans. I made a groupchat through messenger to try and start hangouts with rina with me and kavie. and it was always put off or cancelled. Other plans. just not a priority. Got to the point where the chat went radio silent. Couple years later Rina noticed I been in a relationship with Kyle and reaches out if I would be interested in doing a double date. I said okay and would message. I guess what I'm trying to mentally understand as I journal this in. Rina only wants to be friends with me when it benefits her. An opportunist. Will only seek out spending time if I have a partner. Other than that it's never available. Or if I know certain people that can take photographs for her wedding. I'm just someone to be used i feel. I dont know. We eventually did get to hang out the three of us again but it left a bitter taste in my mouth. Rina would talk down about Tina and then the next week she would be spending time with tina again. So I don't know. I just

i guess there are some friendships in my life that make me question if this is even worth keeping? I think about removing rina but then i feel like i need to be positively sure if that is what i truly want and not regret it. I did finally removed rina's parents and siblings from my facebook. I am just slowly transitioning her out of my life. I dont know I feel like just keeping her as an acquaintance is kind of painful to me. Idk I'm having a hard time with this. And she's been actively not trying to keep together or make plans with us and all i am just the fool that is sitting in denial. I dont know how to feel.

[sour-n-salty-citrus]

Do you like the backstory for rick? Idk I kinda preferred it when Rick's past was a complete mystery and i dont really care about diane at all. I didn't expect the writers to actually write a canon for him either but I guess they realised how much the audience wanted one for him

Ajdjdjeidjs ack, I'll be honest I'm not... keen on it.

(Bolly-quinn actually puts it into words well how I feel about Rick's backstory here)

I liked the mystery element of his backstory! I know it's always exciting to have things in canon, but like... it being open to interpretation was something I always appreciated.

And... ugh, hoo boy. I'm torn. I mean, I love that Rick is completely different from what dudebros and like- "high iq" redditors present him as. He's a man who loved his wife and daughter, loved them so much he would rather give up travelling the multiverse, becoming a genius scientist, just to stay with them. He was vulnerable, soft, and caring. He wasn't nihilistic and reckless and selfish and some "alpha male who wouldn't let anything tie him down". He was ridiculously romantic, optimistic, sweet and loving, and maybe even kind.

And I don't give a shit.

I don't! I don't care. This might sound incredibly cruel and unfair, but I don't care that Rick lost his family.

Ok- let me explain.

I'm... disappointed. I'm disappointed that losing Beth and Diane is all it was that made Rick into the complete and utter monster he is today (or the start of the series anyway). I don't mean to undermine his loss and grief- at all! It's just... for him to go on a (seemingly decades long) killing spree, slaughtering any version of himself he seemed to come across... christ. Maybe in his eyes, they were all as bad as that One. Which is understandable. I'm very lucky to have not experienced that kind of loss. I haven't had to Grieve the way Rick did. Maybe I just don't get it, because I've never felt it. That's fair.

It just felt... god, I don't want to say excessive. I know, people process grief in different ways, and for some it manifests in unhealthy ways, some lash out at the world, fixate on trying to find an explanation, to find justice, etc. And I like how Rick was an absolute inconsolable wreck at first. Something like that, it needs time to process and overcome before you can start moving again.

I just- I don't know. Something rubbed me the wrong way about it all.

It's like- it's not that I wanted Rick to have spent all that time partying or something. It's just- argh, i don't know! Maybe someone else can put it into better words lol.

I hate that he immediately jumped into not giving a single shit about other people (save birdperson and squanchy!). Like- when he blew up those aliens who gave him whatever it was he needed. Ah- ok, they probably weren't exactly innocent or anything, but still. I think it was just I felt if we ever saw Rick's backstory, I'd want it to be a slow decline into who he is, show him gradually losing so much of his morality and becoming so jaded. Idk i guess i just wanted it to be like, a series of significant (and lesser but still important) events that lead to him going down that path rather than- this ONE thing that just apparently completely ruined him? And yeah ik ik it was a BIG thing, but like- i guess i was expecting.... more? Maybe something like idk Rick trying to save all the other Beths and Dianes and failing, idk, just... something more.

I actually would have preferred it if Diane lived. I dont know, I just- man I really hate the dead wife/daughter turns ordinary man into callous asshole trope. I agree, it's hard to really care all that much for Diane, and for a while I couldn't understand why. I thought, idk, is it internalised misogyny? Do I just not like Diane because I want to ship Rick with someone else?

I think I get it now. Diane, for all her significance in Rick's backstory, just... isn't a character. She's just- the motivation Rick needed to kick off the story. You could replace her with literally anybody else Rick could have loved and it wouldn't feel any different. She just doesn't feel special. She's no more unique than any other Dead Wife. We get nothing, literally nothing of her. I kept thinking, why? Why does this just not hit that hard? Rick's had emotional moments with Beth, with Birdperson, even with Summer and Jerry. And then I got it- it doesn't feel earned. It felt like how you feel when you see side characters or extras in the background of an action movie die. Maybe some faint sadness, but mainly nothing. We as an audience get nothing from Diane, we don't know her, don't get to see how she matters to Rick, don't get to see her relationship with Rick, we don't get any chance to connect with her character. So when she dies and Rick gets his montage of seeking revenge, it doesn't feel earned. It feels more like I'm being told about how this guy suffered than really seeing it (which i believe, may have been the writers intention actually...). It's kind of like a feeling of "damn that sucks bro... and?". There's no real heavy emotional response that I could really get from it...

I actually would have preferred if Rick and Diane broke up, divorced. I feel like that would offer so much more for them BOTH as chatacters. Instead of their relationship being happy and sunshine and rainbows until a Big Bad came in and took that away, I'd prefer it if Rick's downfall was just... his fault. (Actually His fault.) If his marriage fell apart because he couldn't make it work. If he estranged his daughter because he couldn't properly handle fatherhood, despite loving her. If he was flawed, terribly flawed, because of his own misjudgement and shortcomings. I guess my biggest problem, is that this is presented as someone having the perfect life, which is then taken away as a result of someone Else. It's too easy to then say, oh, it's not his fault he's like that! He had his heart broken, his life ruined! He lost himself in a revenge spree, poor thing... I'd have rathered if it was just a little bit more... realistic? If Rick had been the root cause of his own problems. If he'd experienced tragedy, but also been the cause of much more. I just wish there'd been more of a balance? It just felt so rushed. And not because of the montage- it just like Rick became completely apathetic way too fast. I just hate hate HATE the "he was a good guy with the perfect little life until tragedy struck and he was never the same". Rick never made the effort to improve his life, to do better, to be better. He's actively a cruel, callous, unkind person (complex, yes, but these are traits no one can deny he harbours). He's done far worse than was done to him, and that will never be justifiable to me... it just all feels so very cliche and out of place, and out of everything, this was the one thing I had hoped they wouldn't do.

I think the writers are aware of this, strangely enough. I mean, Rick even calls it his "crybaby backstory". I think they didn't want to leave it open any longer, and just got it out of the way. I don't think they really want to elaborate on it anymore. From what I predict, they want to focus on the here and now of Rick (and Morty, haha), and the development of who Rick is NOW, instead of who he WAS. I think they kind of just went, here's your gut-punch, your tragic backstory, now leave it alone. Diane is dead, Rick had a hard past, the series is about moving on and change. Now can we PLEASE get back to the sci-fi shenanigans?

(There was something I LOVED about the backstory though, and that was the soundtrack! Like the music for the Battle of Bloodridge, it fucking SLAPPPEDDDD. I can't imagine making synthwave emotional, but it actually kind of worked! The swell of the music actually did a lot more for getting a reaction out of me than the content lmaooo. It kind of reminded me of Kurzegast's "optimistic nihilism" for some reason... I actually liked the Bloodridge track so much, it got me a little into synthwave, which i never listened to before! The music producers this season have just KILLED IT!)

[imaginethathaikyuu]

can you please stop the bnha discourse it’s a comfort show for a lot of people and i feel like you’ve gotten your point across already :-( it’s rlly just a lot of negativity in a time when anymore negativity is overwhelming please understand i’m sorry

i’m sorry if anything i said came off as rude or if it upset you, of course that was never my intention so i apologize for that. i recognize that the show is a comfort for a lot of people and seeing negative things about it or its fandom can hurt, which is why i tagged every post consisting of anything opinionated about the show/fandom with bnha discourse, and is why i always try to be careful about the words i choose and the things i say. 

with that being said, if those posts upset you, please blacklist the tag so you don’t see any future posts about that topic i might make. i can’t say that i’ll never say something opinionated about bnha, its fandom, or any other form of content that’s potentially a lot of people’s comfort again (positive or negative) and if the conversation comes up again i may engage in it - i’m never actively trying to harm anyone with the words i say but i never want to feel like i should avoid sharing my opinion (about things like a show or a book or whatever, like, surface level things not actual controversial things i have no place talking about on this blog) in fear of losing followers or because i may be expressing dislike for something others seek comfort in. i dont share those opinions to come off as rude or to make people feel bad - it’s because this is a social media platform and sometimes those conversations come up. obviously, i don’t make a habit out of talking about things i don’t like, and i’ll never openly bash any type of content or the people who consume it just for the sake of shit talk, and nothing i said about bnha was doing that. 

please know that if you ever need me to tag anything, just ask me and i will tag it. in return i only ask that you blacklist those tags that apply to things that upset you so that you don’t see them. i think that is the best middle ground i can come to so everyone here, including myself, is comfortable. i dont want to feel uncomfortable sharing my opinions here just like i don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable with any of my posts. 

and again, i’m sorry if i said anything upsetting, that’s never my intention and i feel really bad that anything i said could have made you upset. i didn’t intend on doing that or spreading any kind of negativity, i was only having a conversation that interested me, but i’ll continue to watch how i word things and be more aware of how any of my posts can impact the people following me. 

[1-800-i-ship-it]

*distant cackling* khunbam and zukka for the ship asks!

hello anon (SORRY THIS IS RLLY LATE BTW) jhasdljf u didnt specify which  questions so here we go, im doing the ones i want to xD: 

i wrote this like a few months ago and now im editing it again lmao im so sorry anon it took me so long it was buried in drafts,,,idek if u follow me anymore but whoever reads this, hope u enjoy ^^ 

what was your first ship, and what fandom is it from?

hmm i think percabeth from pjo would count as my first, but for like discovering fandom content, it would be fourtris, from divergent haha which is actually how i discovered fanfiction (i searched up alternate endings for allegiant bc i hated the ending...and found fics LMAO), but my first big phase was probably more like thg & everlark 

explain why do/don’t ship [pairing]

khunbam: they would die for each other and also make such an amazing team?? (hello wave controller and light bearer combo) and just ugh theyre so good for each other if i keep going im gonna go on a tangent haha 

zukka: i just think zuko and sokka work well together and idk i know like maiko is canon but i dont think they would be very healthy for each other? and just like, idk they went to boiling rock together and like sokka actually tells zuko about yue and jahljdf they’d just be gr9 together 

how did you start shipping [pairing]?

khunbam: at some point i was like YOUR HONOR THEYRE GAY somewhere in s2 i just had the realization like, wtf theyre totally in love 

zukka: after i finished atla and poked around fandom, and i found i really liked the zukka ship 

is there a ship that you used to ship, but don’t anymore?

hmm okay probably catoxkatniss, i think i read it bc a friend recced to me? and so i read a few fics on it but i always felt bad when peeta was made out to be the bad guy or whatever so yea i would say i dont really ship that anymore, and for others i would say i just kinda lost my hyperfixations rip lmao but i still ship them 

what’s a ship you like that most people don’t?

uhh idk, but (forgive me) karoomba 

what’s a ship you hate that most people like?

ehhh i wouldnt say i hate any ship that most people like? but i would say i dont really fancy zutara, but its not like i hate it or anything

what is the most underrated ship, in your opinion?

hmm i dont know honestly haha, maybe daniel & jay from lookism or hangang & jasmine from zero game, tho its prob mostly bc i havent went and explored stuff yet and gotten involved haha 

what is the most overrated ship, in your opinion?

bam x endorsi 

do you prefer [pairing] as an otp, brotp, or notp?

khunbam & zukka otp! 

why do you think [pairing] is so popular?

khunbam: they have chemistry its there!! literally gay for each other from the start i swear and just how they act around each other vs other people

zukka: theres a vid i watched on why zukka is so good but like yeah idk why? i think mostly fandom haha and boiling rock, and i think they would complement each other really well 

why do you think [pairing] isn’t popular?

dunno about this one haha i think most of my pairings r popular? ig prob the underrated ships above i listed, tho that may be due to like again me not actively seeking content for those haha; khunbam and zukka r pretty popular already

rate [pairing] from 1-10 and explain why

khunbam: 10+++ bc i love them 

zukka:  10+++ bc i also love them

sorry head empty no brain 

hyperfixation for these 2 actually kind of slipping now actually lmao rip 

what’s your favorite headcanon of [pairing]?

khunbam: they’re both moronsexuals for each other, hm and wear each other’s clothes haha 

zukka: bi sokka gay zuko, also idk if this counts but zuko talking to turtleducks about his problems in the garden haha  

what’s your favorite canon moment of [pairing]?

khunbam: THE HUG OR WHEN THEY FIRST MEET AND KHUN ASKS WHERE BAM GOT BLACK MARCH FROM 

zukka: BOILING ROCK when they talk about plans and both of them dunno what to do xD

favorite AU ideas for [pairing]?

khunbam: soulmate, artists, coffee shop 

zukka: college au 

realistically, do you think [non-canon pairing] will ever be canon? why or why not?

khunbam: maybe???? very very very slim chance tbh imo ig bc apparently bam will have a female love interest but im not entirely sure about that 

zukka: not really since maiko is basically canon haha 

have you ever written fanfiction/drawn fanart of [pairing]? would you consider it?

khunbam: i wrote poems for them and i have a few wips, so yes i would consider it! it just sucks im kind of losing my hyperfixation rip but maybe i can get it back by writing lmao 

zukka: no i havent, i did have some edit ideas i think but idk if i will get to them haha 

also i am tempted to try and learn to do art but idk if i have the time to lmao rip 

thank u for the ask!! this was actually pretty fun to do, hope u dont mind i skipped a few questions haha 

[highlonelylustfull]

1- July-2021

Today I had the first session with my mom and Mark. He immediately zeroed in on my and my defeatedness which was brought up by Dr. White in FL as well when I had a session with her and my mom. She noted how immediately my posture and demeanour changed. The default of compliance, knowing that I am not about to honestly and openly express myself with my mom as she's not able to handle it, and so I just comply and get smaller. Thats the only way that I can cope at this point is to emotionally detach.

Mark asked for a weekly recap and I was honestly about some highs and lows, when he asked mom the same thing she talked about how busy she is and then the rest of it was about Lariel which is annoying, avoidant, and copdepenant to think that someone else's news counts as your experience. Enmeshment.

She said that our conversations don't feel fake or superficial to her, which is alarming but also maybe she is incapable of having the kinds of conversations I would like to have. She at least acknowledged the underlying tension and the avoidance of certain topics.

When she read me her fears for me she got emotional and talked about basically my everyday reality. She said that I have been hit harder than any kid and am constantly being thrown curveballs and trauma, and she's worried that I won't be able to blossom or having an easy life. I didn't understand the fear in that because its all true. Mark and I were both nodding the whole time in agreement as in yes that is true and yes my life is hard and yes a lot of shit happens to me and no it does not stop and no I do not get a break. It was frustrating to see that she clearly doesn't see how her behaviour is contributing to making my life so FUCKING HARD. She is the biggest headache in my day to day life, she continually throws curveballs AT me and then gets upset at how I react making it even worse. She is the most stressful traumatic thing in my life hands down and that is why this is at such a breaking point for me. I need something to change in the way or boundaries, her behaviour, her communication, or just cutting her out of my life and looking for support in other ways. I said int he session that I feel like I can't put my whole weight on her and I have been actively seeking out other resources to help me because I can't trust her support.

When she was reading the assignment to me she acknowladged that she is growing mentally and emotionally and I am as well, both at different stages of our lives. So that gives me a little hope that she is becoming aware of her own faults and is becoming willing to work on her part of this relationship.

She misremebered the I am and have been doing everything in my power to better OUR relationship to bettering MYSELF. She acknowledged it and while that is true that I am and have been constantly bettering myself it discards the entire relationship aspect. She seemed to have a hard time saying or seeing that our relationship is/has shattered in a lot of ways, and added on to how important she is to me.

When I got to the fear.. that was rough. I didn't know if I could even say it as I was tearing up and had the biggest knot in my throat. Eventually I did, and she seemed taken a back, and left out my fear of the relationship ending or being irreparably damaged-clearly she doesn't feel that way even though she threatens me with it.

When it got to why I love her she waited for more I only could muster up two things one of which was a memory because at this point I have so little respect for her that I dont know why I love her other than she's my mother and so I am biologically programmed to withstand the throws of the relationship and try and better it because I'm her daughter. Which now that I think of it is something she drilled into my head about Ralph. That he's my father so I have to have him in my life and he's my father so that justifies a multitude of sins. I could see that she was underwhelmed or maybe even hurt by the lack of embellishment.

But what the fuck am I supposed to say? I literally called Riley last nights to give me ideas and remind me why I love my mother because all the things I love and value about most people.. she doesn't have. She is not loyal, she is not independent or strong, she is not loving ad nurturing all the time (so that didn't feel completely genuine to say), she isn't woke or working on herself, she isn't accountable, she isn't trustworthy, she isn't ride or die. A lot of the things I loved about my mom, things I used to brag about my mom are no longer true for me. She no longer is my best friend she is a constant source of trauma, pain, and material for group and therapy. She is constantly dissaponting me and being insincere and fake. I no longer feel like a priority on her list nor do I feel cared for or even taken into account. I feel like she is holding on to me with one hand and I am trying to get out of her grasp and just get some air but every fucking time, she pushes me down further and adds more mountain to climb. It feels like a never-ending story of Cali is mentally ill and I am a mom so therefore I am clearly not in the wrong or whatever other excuse she deems relevant. and I just have to eat it and drown a little more. It was hard hearing her talk about how hard and traumatic my life is and her just being so fucking blissfully unaware that SHE is the hardest, more traumatic, stressful, largest hurdle that I face in my daily life. That is why I am so fucking committed to fixing this and why I have and am putting so much of myself into this process because it is life or death for me. This is my breaking point. I can't live with this fake ass shit anymore and either the relationship gets better or I will have to cut her out or set firm boundaries and find other support and stability in my life because it is NOT her.

Then after we both finished, Mark asked her to recap how she felt about the assignment, the active listening, and about the content. She gave some bullshit dull answer, and Mark (THANK GOD) persisted that she be more specific. She basically blamed me and my "black and white thinking" as for the reason that I would feel that she is willing and able to cut me off at the drop of a hat. I asked to elaborate and reminded her of the conversation where she clearly threatened me saying "Just how much money do you need. You clearly want to divorce me, so how much money do you need!". She stated that thats not how she remembers the conversation and that actually she was setting a "boundary" with me and "clarifying" about where the financial support was going to come from and setting an emotional boundary with me about what she was not willing to discuss with me at that time... Then our time was up and Mark recaps that he feels like he's leaving us hanging but that ya know Rome wasn't built in a day and these things take time.

Overall I feel like it was a good first step to starting to dig into the REAL problem and exposing how deeply I am hurt and how immense this problem really is.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Get Together

Part 6 in Getaway Series

Warnings: noncon sex (oral, vaginal and anal intercourse, menstruation, violence), angst, rude words from a rude dude. This is dark!(nomad)Steve and explicit. 18+ only. PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS. I mean it, I’m not gonna tell you again.

Summary: Steve makes his appearance at the reader’s family barbeque.

Note: This is fucking rough. No exaggeration. I can actually not express her how fucking brutal this chapter turned out so please read the warning, re-read them, then read a third time. I mean it. This is some dark ass shit and I’m almost questioning myself at the moment.

Anyways, hope you all enjoy and let me know what you think as always. Love ya <3

...

You'd always dreaded your mother's barbeques. They were crowded, noisy, and hectic. Not only with stuffy family members you avoided but strangers your mother knew from work or even just met in passing. She had a habit of seeking friendship in any who looked her way.

Your mother was at the top of your list of those to avoid. Since your break-up with Ethan, you had done your best to change the subject whenever it came up between you. You were sure Gia was also feeding her curiosity.

You didn't have the energy to lie anymore and you certainly wouldn't tell the truth. You prayed that Steve forgot your sister's invitation. That you could show up, say hi, and scurry back home.

You woke up early that Sunday. Your mom texted you until you got up and assured her that you would be there. You needed to powder the lemon squares anyway. Those were your specialty; your mother insisted on them for every gathering.

You went to the kitchen in your long tee and pulled out the powdered sugar. You filled the sifter and began to shake it over the pan of squares you made the night before. You yawned and grabbed your lower back.

You had been relegated to sleeping on the thin mattress without its frame. It didn't stop Steve. He returned in the days since its breakdown to terrorize you. You suspected he enjoyed the thought of you on the floor.

The door clicked and you glanced over as the lock slid open. You sighed as Steve entered. So much for hoping. You carried on your work as you covered the desert in sweet snow. The door closed behind him and he strode into the kitchen.

"You know, you do strike me as the baking type," He remarked as he came up beside you. "Cute."

You ignored him and kept your eyes on the pan. You were really not looking forward to going now. How would you explain him to your mother? Hell, you weren't quite sure how Gia hadn't seen past his poor disguise. You had but you'd also found him in his uniform. She had only seem the casual, easy-going Nick.

"Doesn't start til noon," You grumbled.

"Lots of time then," His fingertips tickled your thigh just beneath the hem of the shirt.

"I'm on my rag," You didn't look at him as you set the sifter in the sink and tucked the sugar away in the cupboard.

"Hmmp. Explains the attitude but I don't see how it's relevant." He leaned against the counter as you crossed your arms at him. "Do you think a little blood will stop me?"

You tilted your head. He wore a button up and pressed slacks. Polished leather shoes and a matching belt. He had dressed up for your mother's little shindig.

"Nothing will." You resigned.

"You're right." He pushed himself away from the counter and headed back through the door. "So, let's make the most of our time."

You rubbed your forehead and rinsed your hands. Keep him happy and he might not humiliate you entirely at the barbeque. You followed him as he carefully undressed in your living room. He draped his shirt over the chair, his slacks too, his socks tucked neatly into his shoes beneath. He was deliberate; basking in your obvious agitation.

"On your stomach," He pointed to the couch.

You frowned as he pulled his briefs down. You huffed and tried to pass him. He caught you as he dropped his underwear on the chair.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting a towel," You snapped. "You've ruined enough already."

"Hurry up." He let go and paced towards the couch.

You grabbed the towel you used the night before and whisked back into the room. As you neared him, he turned to rip it from your grasp. He spread it across the couch and stood back. He was hard and judging by the twitch in his jaw, impatient.

You lowered yourself onto the couch. You stretched out on your stomach, content to hide your face in your arms. Your head shot up as he slapped your ass.

He pulled your shirt up and yanked your panties down your legs. He flung them away from him, the pad still clung to the crotch. He climbed over you, his legs on either side of yours.

He pushed his cock down past your ass and to your entrance. He prodded at your pussy but didn't go further. He ran his fingers along your back and you shivered.

He grabbed your arms just above your elbows and pushed inside. You exhaled into the cushion as he thrust slowly. His cock added to the fullness which had settled in your pelvis. Your hips ached as he moved against you.

He grunted as he fucked you. Usually he was more talkative. He forced your back to arch painfully and you groaned. The room was filled with the sounds of his flesh against yours. He got faster and faster. His pelvis crashed against yours and sent ripples up your spine.

He let go of your right arm and slapped your ass as he sped up again. He kneaded the flesh as his hips stuttered and you held yourself up on one elbow. “Dont--” You choked on your voice was he came. Fuck. You were already a mess, you didn’t need more of one.

“What?” He eased himself to a stop and grabbed the back of your head. He shoved it into the cushion and pusher deeper until you whined. “Were you trying to say something?”

“N-no,” You rasped. “Nothing...”

He released you and pulled out of you roughly. He tugged free a corner of the towel from beneath you and wiped himself off. You sat up and felt the flow of semen and blood spill onto the towel. “You should get cleaned up,” He turned away and wandered casually towards your bathroom. “You do like to play the innocent, don’t you?”

You heard the smirk in his voice. You grabbed the towel and stood. You followed reluctantly. The shower trembled and burst into life. You tossed the towel in the hamper and grabbed a fresh one. Another for him.

You sighed. You should let him air dry. You plopped the towels on the closed toilet and looked up at the shower curtain. Steve’s broad figure was just visible through the foggy plastic.

You pulled your tee over your head and tossed it on the floor. You stepped into the shower behind him, the smell of your lavender body soap tickled your nose. Great, hopefully nobody noticed his flowery scent.

He scrubbed his hair with your shampoo and you did your best to catch some of the stream. You tried to wash him away but somehow, you could never quite remove the taint of his touch. He switched with you wordlessly as you lathered soap on your skin. His hands trailed through the bubbles on your back and he poked you with his erection. He never took long.

You wetted your hair as his fingers crawled along your hips. He hummed as his cock slid along your ass. You froze and closed your eyes. Waiting. He drew his hands away and the shower curtain chimed as he pulled it back.

“Later,” He promised. “Get cleaned up.” He closed the curtain behind him. “I can’t wait to meet the family.”

Your heart stopped. At least it felt like it did. Fuck. It was bad enough that he had endeared himself to Gia, she was an easy mark, but you couldn’t imagine what your mom would think when you showed up with a new man. Well, you hadn’t invited him. You’d make that very clear.

You gulped and squirted some shampoo into your hand. Distract her with the lemon squares, she might not even notice the bearded goon following you like a shadow.

-

You were quiet as Steve drove. You should’ve figured he had a car but you really hadn’t put too much thought to his activities outside of hounding you. You balanced the lemon squares on your lap and stared out the window. You gave him directions when needed but your mind was already at your destination.

Your mom’s street was lined with cards. You walked half a block between the car and her house. You could hear the buzz of voices in the backyard. You led Steve around the side as he looked over the house. The gate was unlocked to welcome guests and your dad was already warming up the barbeque.

Your mother appeared at the back door and sighted you from across the yard. She smiled and came down the steps. As she wove through the other guests, her eyes landed on Steve and her brows shot up. She greeted you with a one armed hug as you avoided smushing the pan against her middle. She took the lemon squares from you as she let go.

“Honey!” She preened, “You’re here. A little late, but here.” She peeked at Steve, “And who is this?”

“Nick,” Steve offered his hand. You looked over your mom’s shoulder as Gia made her way towards you. Shit.

“A friend,” You filled in grimly. “Gia invited him.”

You sister appeared at the mention of her name. She was pressed and plucked perfectly. She smiled at Steve and trilled her hello.

“I gather your guy is here,” You commented on her flowery dress. “So…”

“He’s in the bathroom,” She returned. “And you actually brought a friend.”

“I didn’t exactly ask him along,” You mumbled.

“Sorry, Nick, I promise our family is not usually this hostile,” Your mother chimed before she looked to you and Gia. “Girls.”

“Siblings,” He chuckled coolly. “I don’t mind.”

“I hope you don’t mind if I steal my daughter for a moment,” Your mom replied. “I promise I’ll have her back quickly.”

“Not at all,” He shrugged. “It looks like a lively party. I’m sure I can manage.”

“I’ll keep an eye on him,” Gia assured, “Ben should be back soon.” She turned to Steve and batted her lashes. “You two will get along.”

You sighed quietly and reluctantly let your mother lead you away from them. You hated how easily your sister got on with him. How smoothly he put his mask on and fooled others. Your mother took you inside and set down the pan on the counter. She turned back to you, still smiling.

“I figured you could cut the squares,” She said, “And tell me about this Nick.”

“Mom,” You brushed by her and took a knife from the block. You removed the lid from the squares and set to carving lines through them. “He just lives down the hall. That’s all.”

“He’s cute…” She sang, “And after Ethan and you split so suddenly--”

“I’m not looking for a boyfriend,” You interrupted her. “Nick is just...someone I know. He wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for Gia’s big mouth.”

“So, when do I get to see this new place of yours,” Your mother smoothly deflected your irritation.

“Whenever you want, mom,” You shrugged. “Not much to see. A lot smaller than our--my old one.”

“Gia did say that. Honey, are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” You assured her. “I’m sorry, it’s just...if everyone could stop bringing up Ethan I’d be a lot better. It’s bad enough that I’m here with--”

The look on your mother’s face was frightening. Her smile was gone and her eyes were wide. Your ears tingled and you sensed a shift in the air. A familiar voice rose and drifted through the window. The sound of gasps and ‘oohs’ were soon to follow.

“Oh, mom, you didn’t,” You dropped the knife and headed for the door.

“Gia didn’t say you were bringing this Nick guy, I thought you two could talk…”

She followed as you swept through the backdoor to find the two men standing chest to chest in the midst of the crowd. Steve had a few inches on Ethan and was almost twice as wide. Gia was holding back your ex as the super soldier grinned with his arms crossed over his chest.

“You son of a bitch,” Ethan snarled as Gia fought against him. “What is he doing here?”

“What are you doing here?” You stormed down the steps towards him. “You said you didn’t want to talk.”

“I didn’t, but I thought--” His eyes flashed as you neared. “I didn’t think you’d be bringing him along.”

“Ethan, why did you come?” You kept your voice low. “It’s over.”

“Sure as fuck it’s over.” He pushed Gia away and Steve laughed. You stepped between them before Ethan could raise his fist. “I just thought maybe we didn’t have to leave this the way it is.” He looked around and gritted his jaw. “You’re a fucking slut.” He backed away slowly and looked to your mother. “You hear that? You’re daughter is a cheating bitch.”

“Son,” Your dad appeared, spatula in hand at Ethan’s side. “I think it’s time you go.”

Ethan glared at your dad and Steve dropped his arms. He squared his shoulders as he came up beside you. Ethan sputtered and looked around at his audience. “Fuck all of you.” He turned and stomped out the gate as you watched. Your eyes stung and you sniffed back the tears that threatened.

You glanced around at the guests who were still in shock over the scene. You turned and marched past your mom and back up the steps. She trailed you into the kitchen and you picked your knife up and continued to cut the squares. Silently.

“Honey…” Her voice was pitiful.

“I didn’t--” You shook your head and swallowed your words. You finished with the lemon squares and pulled out a plate to serve them on. The screen door flapped opened and closed and you looked up as Gia entered.

“So…” She came up on the other side of the counter. “What was that about?”

“Leave it, Gia,” You grumbled as you focused on the dessert.

She crossed her arms and leaned against the island. She chewed her lip as she watched you. “Did you…?”

You looked up at her and your lip trembled. “Please, don’t even ask me that.”

“Well, that was...intense. What am I supposed to say?”

“Ethan’s bitter. That’s all.”

“And you and Nick? You never…” Her voice trailed off as you dusted off your hands and rinsed them. You couldn’t look at her. That was all the answer she needed. “When you were still with Ethan?”

“I fucked everything up, okay?” You turned and barked at her. Your mother watched in stunned silence. Her face painted with judgment. The same revulsion you felt for yourself. “I did it. I made my own fucking mistakes and they are none of your business.” You huffed. “Leave Nick alone. Leave me alone. It’s better off you don’t get yourself involved.”

You turned and headed for the door. Your mom was quick to block you, her arm across the screen. “Honey, you can’t just run away?”

“I know I can’t run,” You said. “But I can’t stay here. Not after that.” You looked over your shoulder as you grabbed the screen door. “I told you not to invite him.”

You pushed past your mom and tramped down the steps. Steve was stood with some man you’d never seen. Dark hair, graying dark suit; it must’ve been Ben. You came up beside Steve and touched his elbow. He looked down at you and smirked.

“We’re leaving,” You said.

“What?” He blinked. His blue eyes narrowed at your order.

“My mom wants us gone,” You lied. “I think we’ve caused enough drama. Drawn enough attention.”

He thought and nodded. “Suppose you’re right,” He turned to Ben and excused himself. “Nice to meet ya.” He grabbed your elbow and cleared his throat. He ushered you to the gate and you were thankful at least to be leaving. “It’s a shame. I was really looking forward to trying one of those squares.”

You kept quiet as he squeezed your arm and dragged you down the street.

“It was nice seeing Ethan again, wasn’t it?” He boasted. “Should’ve broke that jaw of his and maybe he’d have shut the fuck up.”

“Steve,” You croaked. “Please.”

“Fuck,” He shoved you into the side of the car and you stumbled. You turned and he was on you in an instant. His body held you flush against the hot metal. “You’re still in love with him?”

“Of course I am,” You spat. “You--you ruined everything. I was happy.”

You shook as you glared up at him.

“You were complacent. You had a boring life before me. Nothing before me.”

“I hate you,” You sneered.

The crack stunned you. Almost as much as it stunned him. Your hand flew up across his cheek before you could stop it. His head moved just a little and he grabbed your wrist before you could lower it. His blue eyes were fiery.

“Oh-ho-ho,” He smiled; a dangerous smile. “There we go. I’ve been waiting for that.” His other hand came up around your neck as he bent down. “Get in the fucking car,” He whispered and squeezed. “Now.”

He let go and backed away. You gulped as you stared up at him. Your heart raced and your entire body was on fire. You trembled as you pushed yourself away from the car and stumbled around to the other side. His door slammed as he got in and you shut yours softly. You gripped your knees as he turned the engine.

“You’re in it now, bitch,” He growled as he pulled out.

The locks clicked and you watched the houses pass in a blur. Shit.

-

Steve drove up to your building. He stopped in front and before he could kill the engine, you had your seatbelt undone and the door unlocked. You shoved the door open and bolted out. You fled done the sidewalk without an endpoint in sight. You just wanted to be away.

You heard him behind you. The slam of his door and his shoes keeping time with yours. You were out of breath before you reached the corner and he kicked your legs out from under you. You flew forward and scraped your palms and arms on the pavement with a yelp.

He planted his feet on either side of you and pulled you with a hand on your neck and the other on your arm. He lifted you as if you weighed nothing. To him, you were nothing.

“I’ll scream,” You tried to pull away from him as he turned you back down the street.

“Then scream,” He kept his hand on your arm as he walked you beside him. “I don’t give a fuck.” He marched you along the walk and kicked closed the car door as he passed. He dragged you up to the door of your building, your shoes slid across the pavement helplessly. “I should’ve showed everyone what a whore you were back at your parents, eh? You’d be begging for it just like you did in front of Ethan.”

“Stop!” You twisted and he slammed your back into the door. The force knocked the wind from you as he glared down at you.

“You know why I won’t leave you alone?” He pinned you against the door. “Because every time I come, you’re that much closer to breaking and when you do, I’m gonna love every second of it.”

You blanched. You tried to shove him away and he easily caught your arms. He turned you around and reached into your pocket. He took your keys and shoved them in the slot. He wrenched the door open and pushed you through. You stumbled as he slapped your ass and barked for you to go.

You fought him as you ascended the stairs. You hit every wall as he forced you up. If any stumbled upon the struggle, you suspected he’d be no less brutish with them. When you reached your floor, you planted your feet and he kicked your rear. You fell to your knees and he grabbed the back of your blouse. 

He dragged you down the worn carpet and to your door. He swiftly opened your door and tossed you inside. You hit the wall just next to the kitchen doorway and slid back down to your knees. The lock slid into place as his breaths grew louder in his anger.

A subtle jingle sounded from behind you and he grabbed your shoulder as you tried to stand. He forced you down onto your stomach and straddled you between his thick legs. He held your wrists behind you as he tore loose his belt. He wrapped the leather around your wrists and pulled it so tight, your fingers throbbed.

He smacked the back of your head as he stood. He toed your side and paced around you in the small space and lifted you to your feet. You tried to kick out and he deflected your leg with his. He grabbed your neck and held you against the wall.

“You wanna play that game?” He slapped your cheek with his other hand. The sting burned your cheek and he did it again. Harder. You clenched your jaw as he hit you over and over, every strike meaner than the last. “Let’s play.”

He ripped you away from the wall and shoved you ahead of him. You dug your heels into the floor and he sighed. He smacked your ass so hard you stumbled and he caught the back of your pants before you could topple. He dragged you into the bedroom and pushed you so that you fell face first onto the mattress.

“Stay,” He rested his shoe between your shoulder blades and pushed until you could breath.

“Fuck you!” You lifted your head and looked back at him. “I fucking hate you.”

“I know you do,” He removed his foot and slid his phone out of his pocket. “But it won’t look that way, will it?” He moved his thumb around his screen and set the phone sideways on your bookcase. “I send this little video to Ethan and he might just be stupid enough to share it.”

You dropped your head against the mattress and grunted as you pulled against the belt. You heard him moving around, the floor creaked beneath his weight, and you swore into the blanket. He was going to take everything from you, even your family. No, he wouldn’t get that. Never.

Your whole body jolted as he tore your pants down in one motion. Your panties and flats were swept away with the pressed fabric. You were left bare and face down. He knelt on the mattress next to you and flipped your over. He ripped your blouse down the middle and snapped your bra. He tweaked your nipples painfully as you tried to roll away.

He slapped your cheek again, this time with the back of his hand. His knuckles left your cheekbone tender. You tried to sit up and he pushed you back down easily. He was completely naked. He climbed over you so that his thighs were around your head and pressed his cock against your lips.

“Open up,” He squeezed your chin. “Come on. Don’t make me break that pretty little face of yours.”

You opened your mouth and he was quick to slip inside. You gagged and spasmed as he invaded your throat. You couldn’t breath as he sank his entire length into you. He leaned on his knees and began to thrust. He grasped your hair between his fingers as he fucked your face.

“He was fucking right. You are a slut,” He panted as he sped up. Faster and faster until stars spotted your vision. “You’re probably wet already.”

His grunts filled your head as your eyes rolled back. He never wavered, even as you were certain you would pass out. He bent over you and pushed his cock as deep as it could go and you felt the sickly heat burst in your throat. He snarled as he came and you were forced to swallow or choke.

You coughed as he pulled out of your mouth. Your head lolled and he slapped you again. Three times before your eyes opened. “We’re not even close to done,” He turned you over again and struck your ass. You whined and he spanked you until your ass was raw.

“Fucking dirty,” He said as he shoved his hand between your legs.

You could feel the blood and your unwilling arousal spread along his fingers. He pushed your legs apart and grabbed the back of your neck. He lined himself up and entered you smoothly. You groaned against the mattress and he plunged to his limit.

His hand slipped down to the belt and he pulled on your wrists as he began to move. His hips slammed against your ass. You rasped into the blanket as your body racked beneath his. Each thrust was painful. A reminder that he was in control. That every fight would end this way.

He kneaded your ass with his other hand as he crushed you into the bed. You could feel the floor through the thin cushion. His thumb slipped down and he circled around your asshole. You shook your head but before you could protest, he forced his finger inside.

You whimpered at the strain in your ass he pulled his thumb in and out roughly in time with his cock. It sent a peculiar ripple through your body; added to the strokes of his cock against your walls. You trembled at the sudden flurry of nerves in your pelvis.

“See, you fucking like it,” He hissed. “You can fight me all you want, but you’ll never win.” His words were punctuated by harsh breaths and you body spasmed suddenly. “Uh-uh-uh, look at you. You’re cumming already.” He pounded into harder and kept his thumb inside you. “You like it in the ass, don’t you?”

He removed his thumb and bent over you. He thrust you into the mattress and turned your head. He held your chin in place as his hot breath singed your cheek, his lips pressed to your skin.

“Hmm? You want me dick in your ass?” He growled.

“N-n-”

His palm smothered your protest and he pulled out of you. He slid his cock back along your ass and you wiggled beneath him. You tried to bite his hand but he merely pressed it tighter. He reached down to pushed himself against your tight hole and you cried out into his hand.

Your eyes went wide as he shoved himself inside. He groaned in delight as he entered you slowly. Tears rose in your vision and your entire body buzzed with pain as he forced his way in. You kicked your legs against his as he impaled you completely.

He moved carefully. Savoured the stretch of you around him. You went limp as the pain was too much. He uncovered your mouth and rested his forehead against your temple. He shoved his hand beneath you and squeezed your tit as his hips rocked against you.

“You’re a fucking mess,” He whispered. “I can feel your blood all over me.”

His pace picked up a little at a time. You closed your eyes in shame. You bit down as the agony tore through you. Your voice rose as his hips jerked into you harder and harder. You whined in pain as he fucked your ass without restraint.

He pushed himself up, his hand on your shoulders as he chased his climax. His grunts were sultry and hypnotic against the shrill anguish of your own. He grabbed the back of your head and shoved it into the mattress as his thrusts grew uneven. He roared as he came and rode out his high.

You were left shaking beneath him as he sat back on his knees. He stayed inside of you and his cock twitched. You tried to wriggle away but it only added to the strain. His fingers wrapped around your waist and he began to move again.

You bit your lip and held your breath as it started again. The shock, the pain, the humiliation. You would not break. Not for him. He would not win. You wouldn’t let him. The great Captain America had lost before and he could again.

[raincandy-u]

I love your bw posts but do you still ship the protagonists with N? I saw a post tagged as that and its weird because of the age gap:(

thank you so much! so im gonna be completely transparent with you in my answer here because i think that's only fair. ferriswheelshipping was something i was totally into when i was probably like 14-19?? it was a huge fave of mine and a huge comfort for me at the time. now that i'm fully an adult i completely understand why the ship is bad and how its weird because of the age gap so i dont actively seek out content for it like i used to. i wouldnt say i actively ship it anymore either, but seeing as its a past comfort for me i do have a soft spot in my heart for it if i happen to come across content for it while looking up bw content in general. if that makes you uncomfortable i completely understand and would not fault you for it one bit

[yfczangel777]

Venting to the void.

Not even gonna use the guy's name either but...

Theres a singer I still love and care about and I wondered if there was cool edits of him on tiktok but instead just a ton of people making fun of his appearance and outright hating on him and being terrible and it made me feel so sad and stressed. Looking on any other media also yields similar results.. He's lowkey retired now and kinda become slightly forgotten and I miss him ...but yeh..even back in the day when I was an active member of his active fandom there were tons oh haters then too. There always has been. And both then and now I keep trying to find out WHY people are being awful to him and I LITERALLY CANNOT FIND ANY VALID ANSWERS?????

Like it's all people just being incredibly rude about his appearance and his harmless quirkiness????

And like then some mad that he left a band he was once with to peruse his solo career after they realized they weren't on the same page anymore??? (But people wanna say he "used" them?? Like... no??? The band partnership rode its course and he wanted to try other things???)

Like yeah hes quirky and weird but in a harmless and endearing way... like when he says and does the shit he does its obvious he's just fucking around and joking but people tryna take it all out of context and act like he actually means it so is "crazy" ...

Like y'all wanna value eccentricity in people like David Bowie but then slam this man for it???

And fuck yall shallow asses who gonna hate someone and wish them harm because you dont like their appearance or you think they got plastic surgery. Neither of those makes someone a bad person??

Hes never been perfect and I never seek to claim he is but like...?? Hes never done anything cancel worthy and by and large is actually a good person??? Like the worst things hes really done is wording shit carelessly?? But its not even ever been major shit??

Like I'm so frustrated and sad for him because this dude literally helped me through some of the worst and hardest parts of my life and I care for him a lot and literally the ONLY content I see about him anymore is things being baselessly hateful....

[littlebabycrybtch]

hot take apparently but. you are absolutely supposed to respect and support minority ppl that you dont like. and ik yall cant read but notice. i said ‘dont like’. not ppl that have harmed others, that are dangerous. i said ‘dont like’ as in. make you cringe. create content you are annoyed by seeing. dont mesh with our one restricted funnee brand of personality. i dont even just mean basic sensitivity or human respect either, i mean seeing them as an equal in your cause with equal pain. you shouldnt have to resonate with somebody to see them as a person deserving of your care. theres not levels to this kind of thing, they are you and you are them, and you have to see them as such. if you’re a proclaimed ‘activist’, you need to do better. you need to see it differently than such a matter of personal subjective opinion. who you support and whos injustices you fight should not be so conditional. its not about making friends. yall literally look at community like if you couldnt hang out n party with somebody bc ur too different they are nothing to you. their protection isnt worth forcing yourself through the effort. they are dehumanized and othered until they dont register in your brain anymore as your oppressed brother that is surviving in the same society you are. its abt entertainment. abt feeling good. abt vibing. not humans helping humans for the sake of good. its just for fun now. activism isnt a fucking hobby or a party, you dont get to parrot the popular stances that make sense to you and then revel in the social praise and feel done with it, its a moral standard and a life philosophy and a Progressive Goal and a FIGHT. your immature brain, unwilling to take responsibility and cope with your discomforts, has mixed the sense of interacting with somebody harmlessly different with the sense of distinction between you and your oppressor, which is not just wrong, its dangerous and genuinely a horrible ignorant trend. do not automatically pin every person you cant relate to as someone with privilege above you, or someone trying to hurt you or take something. do not Seek Out or Invent the grounds to validate your negative feelings that were already there before your excuses. this mindset is a type of internalized prejudice building that is rampant in bigot spaces, which doesnt make you one, but its not a great thing to have in common. you need to care about minorities you dont like. this type of shallow elitism is the only thing making lgbt+ spaces seem like a ‘club’. YOU SHOULD BE UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN LEARNING HOW TO BE GOOD. IT MEANS YOU ARE UNWORKING THE DEEPLY ROOTED SOCIAL PREJUDICE WE ALL HAVE. ITS IMPORTANT AND CANNOT BE BYPASSED. DO BETTER

[wicked-moon-child]

2019 was full of travesty, tears, and mental instability. On the upside I learned to appreciate my body a little more, but also trying to learn my own worth was important. Got back on my meds which helped more than I thought they would. I let others take advantage of my kindness, and got burned in the end. I put a lot of effort into trying to make contact with people only to get pushed to the wayside more times than I'd like. I lost my best friend of 7 years and I miss her, but theres no going back to what once was. I left my job, where I was underappreciated and shit on daily for having an opinion of my own.

-------------------

2020 I am making a promise to myself among other changes i'm going to be making to make sure I avoid having to feel like I did all throughout this last year. I will be actively avoiding all matters that dont make me feel comfortable. If you dont want me around I get it, I won't beg for attention anymore, because no one deserves to have to fucking do that. I have friends and family who love me and love having me around. I will no longer seek clarity, understanding, or friendship from people who can't even remember simple things about me. I will be a lot less chatty with those who dont seek me out first, living the NPC lifestyle if you will. I will not be engaging with you unless I have a reason to, or you seek me out first. I will not put myself into this needy corner and just make myself miserable, I just won't.

I will be starting my side business so I can quit my current job and provide a better life for my daughter. I am moving into a house which will greatly help with that. One step at a time.

-----------------

I have goals for this new year, for the first time in a long time I can actually see myself sticking to it and not just falling back into old stupid habits.

Sorry this post is a turn from my normal content. Just felt like posting.