#i dont even have horrible spiraling episodes anymore

[larry-ben-kenobi]

I just cannot escape the yearning to die

Its almost been a decade and if I think about it it still brings my mental space into the molten core of the earth

I'm just so tired of being depressed im not depressed like I used to be, though, it just gets duller because I'm so damn used to it unless i let myself think about how much I don't want to be alive

Bleh. Ive said it for years and still true, if I could find 18 year old me id tell him to do the attempt better, rather than anything about how life is worth it. It's been eight years and honestly it only got worse. Was supposed to have done it when I was 14 probably, and never bothered anyone.

Hate being such a stereotypical zoomer freak about my own existence though.

[the-casbah-way]

when i wake up after a meltdown im like ok im going to be nice to myself today and then i end up being just as mean to myself in my head as i always am except i’ll also maybe let myself go to bed like an hour earlier as a treat

[the-s1lly-corner]

angst m, n, o for pomni and/or gangle pleasee:3

Angst alphabet w/ Pomni (M,N,O)

YEEEEEAAAH ANGST ALPHABET!! i need to do better with promoting my alphabet stuff maybe ill reblog the posts for them every week or so idk.... for those who see this post you can find my alphabet posts linked at the bottom of the grand masterlist post in my pinned! prompts: misery, nightmare, opened notes: reader is GN CWs: grief, mentions of self termination thoughts via letting one abstract on purpose though its not dwelled on for long

MISERY

you had abstracted, and thats as good as being dead in the circus

one day you were here and the next you were a monster... can you blame her for being at least a little in shock after youre sent away by caine?

if she ever manages to pull herself back together, its clear that shes going to be changed forever by your absence- and its going to take a while for her to pretend to be fine

if she doesnt, and if she lets herself spiral, shes just going to abstract too

she wouldnt be lying if she said that idea seemed desirable, though

she would if she wasnt so scared, though

sometimes she stops by your door to talk to you, even though she knows shes never going to get an answer in return

shes angry with the situation, this isnt fair- you and her didnt know what you were getting into when you put your headsets on

the idea that you have family out in the real world who will never see you again, and will never know what happened to you only fuels her rage

at least it gives her motivation to get out, even if the chances of her finding your family is low

NIGHTMARE

she somtimes gets nightmares every now and then, much like the one she has in episode 2

they dont happen every night, but when she does have them she doesnt seek you out... youre sleeping, and she doesnt want to bother you

unless the two of you are sleeping in the same bed, shes going to leave you alone

and even then, being in the same bed doesnt mean all that much

you can ask her to talk about her dream, but shes going to gently reassure you that shes fine and theres nothing to worry about

with enough time to let her dreams wear her down, though, shes eventually going to spill to you

she doesnt exactly want comfort, she knows its not going to help all that much

so, offering a distraction may be best... you two typically end up staying in bed and just making small talk

OPENED

she doesnt do it maliciously, she doesnt even do it to try to win the argument... it just comes out, before she can stop the words from coming out but just because she didnt really mean to, it doesnt make the fact she hurt you any less apparent

she doesnt double down, instead she tries to backtrack- whatever the two of you were arguing about doesnt even mean anything to her anymore, she wants to undo what was done right now

she gives you time to collect yourself when it becomes clear that you need time, she gives one last "sorry" before giving you space

shes beside herself and shes disgusted with herself for using your insecurities and secrets against you in the argument, the moment you show some sign of being ready to talk shes going to let you know how horrible she feels for hurting you

she makes it clear that she didnt mean to hurt you, and shes going to do anything to prove that shes being honest

its going to take some time for the tenseness and awkwardness to fade away, but pomni is dedicated to making things work... though, thats not her call here is it?

[nerdlebirdle]

TW: low self esteem, depression, spiralling thoughts, toxic relationship mentioned

Random words cause i dont know who to talk to without feeling like a burden to irl friends so im putting it on the internet and idk if i'll even post it. i just want to compile my thoughts.

Im currently going through a depressive episode and got hit with bad news and work has been pissing me off. All negative emotions.

I told my boyfriend about it and just broke down in tears while we were cuddling in bed. Told him about the bad news, how i felt regarding bad news, that on top of being pissed because of work and bad news i have this depressive episode that i have been trying to stave off but cant. I cant run away from depressive episodes that long.

And he just... he held me and hugged me and reassured me im not a horrible person? And that he just felt bad that he didnt know how much i hide emotion wise???

And im laying there going "no its okay. I dont want to be a burden so i hide it. Its second nature" which yes it is, its a defense mechanism i have been using since i was little to avoid feeling like a burden and other horrible thinking i have of myself. (This is NOT a good defense mechanism, i know but im working on it.)

He just "youre not a burden" and when i apologized for bringing the mood down he said "its okay im glad you told me." And i... 😭😭 im emotional

He is so supportive and understanding and patient and kind. This is my first healthy relationship and its throwing me for a GIANT loop.

My ex literally hated hearing about my problems and would spin it to be about him. And when i didnt talk to him, he would get upset i wouldnt talk to him.

And now im in a relationship that not only is he always listening, he's reassuring me of everything im insecure about.

Telling me i am enough. Im not a burden. I can talk to him. Hes happy that i feel safe enough to talk to him about this stuff on MY OWN TIME. Like he doesnt expect to hear about it all the time or all at once but when i do talk about it he doesnt stop me. He doesnt get upset. He listens and he does everything he can to comfort me???? To reassure me its okay to feel like this and that im doing me best??? That im a strong person????

Its so utterly wild to me but it's so nice.

I never thought i would get something like this in my life. I didnt think i deserved it and sometimes i still feel like this. (Im working on it) but its the little things that my boyfriend does that just... i feel loved. I feel special. I feel important. And he just does so much and i dont know if he realizes how much he does with these little gestures.

I have not been one to talk about stuff like this to people. This leads back to my defense mechanism and keeping myself safe. But with him i feel safe, that i can talk to him and not feel judged.

HELL HE TOLD ME "i wont judge you. I will be here for you" 😭😭😭

Everything he has done in the 2 months we have been dating has been more than my ex did in 7 years. More than anyone else has in my entire life.

I know i have good friends that have been with me for years but nothing compares to how my boyfriend makes me feel.

Its throwing me for a loop because i havent had a healthy relationship before this one. I still struggle with my depression. But i know i can go to him if i need to talk to someone or even to just sit with. And that alone is a thought that helps me a ton.

My depression wont ever fully go away but it doesnt feel entirely lonely anymore. Yes the spiralling thoughts keep coming and going and sometimes i do convince myself that i went to far and let out too much emotion/information. But i know he has my back. That alone is such a helpful thing that sits in my head.

And its just so nice to have that.

I hope you all have someone like that. If you dont, please dont lose hope. You will find someone. Just hang in there. I may not know you, but i care about you. You are not alone. I know its tough. I know its hard. I have been in your position many a times. Hang in there. You are doing your best even if it doesnt feel like it. You got this. One step at a time. And no matter how small a step you take, its still progress.

[smexyboyash]

i hate the mental health system

tw for su/cide and psych wards etc

ive been admitted to psych wards over 10 times

ive lethally attempted at least 20

attempted in general so much more

ive been dead and brought back to life

told so many times i wouldnt make it through the night

and then when i wake up from the dead they send me to a prison.

the nurses are horrible. they dont know shit about mental health. theyve litterally told me, word for word that i didnt try hard enough to k!ll myself, that ive been there so much its better if i just die.

instead of helping, when i have an episode they tie me down with restraints and shove drugs up my ass, sedating me

they call the entire security team of 30 on me

im not hurting anyone.

but they treat me like an animal.

now they dont even bother with me anymore

after bringing me back from the dead they send me home, knowing ill attempt in a few days

i dont know whats better. being stuck in that prison at least they care for me

being stuck at home no one cares.

ill tell my therapist i swallowed a bunch of drugs and she wont do shit. it just makes it worse and i spiral into endless attempts because i know that until im dead they wont care.

[one-abuse-survivor]

my mom is literally impossible. everything i want to do, enjoy or experience she finds some way to demotivate me or go crazy enough to deter me from it for good. im still really struggling with how to deal with it. physical stuff is so much easier to deal with than mental/emotional. tonight, for example, she starts yelling at me for not having a job, having a horrible attendance at college, and just being in bed all day, which, as i lay them out like that, they’re reasonable things to be asking your seemingly bum of a child. she goes further into comparing me to my cousin. hes doing much higher level things in college, and not only does he have a full attendace there, he has a job too, so his schedule is almost always booked. mine is not. he is an entire 9 months younger than me, which ofc gives me full seniority over him and should put me much further in life than him. at least thats what mum has consistently held over my head since the ripe age of 8. i decide to play along and question back, why doesn’t he have 3 jobs? my friend, who is 5 months older (which is a lot obvs /j) has 3 part time jobs, whilst attending full college (at a high level), and still has time for extra ciricullars. she was confused and was like ?? why are you bring this up? i tried to tell her that, theres always gonna be someone better than you, and worse than you, so its very unfair to compare yourself to others in a way that makes you both feel guilty for doing things most cant, and for not doing things most can. she very quickly changed topic but continued to bash me over the head with my constant horrible attendence, that i should be at a better place in life if I had just taken my exams and got on with things. when she says things like that it hurts and throws me into a spiral. it feels like she has all the control over whether or not i fall into the pit of depression again or not. ofc she never chooses that i don’t. im not sure if i really should be asking you for advice on how to deal with this as you arent a liscened therapist, but i really need some. every time we have one of these arguments, i feel like im 15 again, back to being suicidal and wanting to sh and just wanting to not exist anymore. i truly hate it because thats not me anymore, ive tried so hard to pull myself out of each depressive episode alone and i hate that all my hard work can be undone with a sentence from her. i cant do to her what i did to my dad. practically pretend they dont exist, never speak to them and ice them out until now we only speak once a month, if that. it sounds awful, i know, but im very proud of myself for getting to that stage with him, its hard to go no contact when you live with them. (he was very abusive, as is my mum, but he quite literally ruined my life and i have to pick up the pieces whilst he gets to enjoy himself every day. i have to watch the man who wanted to beat me, hurt me, and who yelled at me until i became suicidal, have the time of his life having a redo with my cousin, spending all of his new money on any and all his interests, and becoming closer with my sister. its literal torture.) unfortunatley still have to deal with mum. to put it coldly and horribly, shes the one with access to the heat, clothes, food, bedding, electricity,etc, i need her until i can move out. i cant really break that bond just yet as i still need her so i dont die. (ik i can be homeless and be in foster care but im lucky enough to have the choice to say no to those things so im taking advantage of it) i am sorry if this in any way comes across cold, mean, or passive agressive. the argument mentioned above happened just 20 minutes ago and its still pretty raw, and im not the best at processing my emotions lol. thank you so much for your time, i hope your evening is going great (:

Hi! Don't worry about your tone, nonnie. You're allowed to express your emotions, and especially to be frustrated and upset after what happened with your mom. All I ask is for people to remain respectful to me and anyone else who might read their ask, which you definitely did :)

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it sounds really tough 😔 of course you'd rather stay with her than be homeless! I really hope you're not downplaying what she's putting you through or doubting your trauma and abuse because you're choosing to live with her. All you're doing is trying to keep yourself safe. There's nothing wrong with that.

And I also don't think it's awful that you managed to cut out your dad so successfully! It's very similar to what I did with my mother, and I honestly think you ought to be proud of yourself for taking so many steps to protect yourself in spite of how complicated it can be to cut out a parent like that.

Regarding your mum, while it's not unreasonable to want you not to be in bed all day, it IS unreasonable to verbally and emotionally abuse you because of it. She's putting you down, constantly comparing you with others, triggering you, and worsening your mental health. If she really wanted you to have a better life, she'd be offering her kindness and support—not contributing to all the reasons you're struggling right now.

I don't really have much advice, other than to tell you it's okay to set boundaries and to take any steps you can to protect yourself even if you can't cut her out yet. You're not awful for being affected by her words. You're not weak for getting triggered around her. You're not cold or mean for standing up for yourself. You don't owe her anything just because she gives you a roof and a bed, and it's okay for you to acknowledge that. Please, try to be as kind to yourself as possible until you can get out of there. You're doing your best right now. Your best doesn't have to look like anyone else's, because no one else is living their life under exactly the same circumstances as you, so please try to remember that when she compares you with others.

Sending all my support your way ❤️

[gooferdusted]

hypothetically, if I were to write a fix-it/rewrite au fic, (thinking of starting at s5 but debating starting earlier) what are some storylines you’d take out/change, characters you’d save/kill, and specifically changes to sam’s character/arcs you’d like bc i need ideas

ok. ok. I'm gonna try to not go completely off the fucking rails while I write this up but I gotchu (also these r all just my own hot n spicy takes so like. pick what u like, it's all goodie goodie)

• no time passing differently in hell. literally four months is ~Enough!~ a year is enougghh!!!!!! like I get that they wanted to make hell this horrible unreachable thing but u can still like... get that across without having it be this unfathomable chunk of time out of a persons life. like sam was down there with TWO very pissed off angel's for 180 years??? how can he still speak english??? how does dean remember ANYTHING about his old life when mentally more than half of it was spent being endlessly tortured until he finally cracked??? its just.... Too Much...

• ON that note, I feel like later on they never rlly had sam and dean bond over the fact that like... they are genuinely the ONLY two people on earth who have survived actual hell. I mean we got that one off line from dean at some point but??

• no chuck as god. just a greasy greasy rat man getting insane stories projected into his brain. and on the topic of that.... I dont like the reflection of the real life fanbase in the spn universe??? they're pulp fiction novels, it should be all like 50 year old + ladies who picked them up at the local bargain bin, not b*cky r*sen

• I like... WANNA say smth abt s4..... bc I think the way that they handled things were a little out of character BUT I also think that was lind of the point??? like the angels and demons were manipulating them to say/do things they would normally never say/do to eachother to drive a big enough wedge between then that they would eventually say yes to being the vessels. like it hurts to watch sooo much but it did drive the plot forward in a very particular way that probably couldnt have happened otherwise. that being said, when the levee breaks makes me sad, and I dont want to see sam crying for his dead mother alone in a basement! cest la vie.

• sam and dean.... are Friends...,, why did we all forget that..... watch hell house and maybe I'll calm down.....

• PSYCHIC SAM!!!!!! you all know me. you know how I feel about psychic sam... robbed. s4 finale rlly had sam like "drinking that much demon blood has truly changed me forever..... theres no going back now...... 😔😔" like ok. ok. where are your superpowers. where are they.

• I wish some of the other special children had made it out :(( I really liked andy and ava (also sam finding other friend who are like him??? queer allegory??? spare queer allegory?????)

• I also dont think the roadhouse shouldve burned down!!! that shouldve been a Staple Location like Bobby's house. same w Missouri's, literally why did we only visit her once.

• ur sending an ask to my blog so I assume this is just a given for u but!!! we're takin away the misogyny. we're takin away the fetishization! anything that would be given the greenlight by joss whedon we are putting straight in the trash. <3

• this is mostly a thing in later seasons like. idk 9-15, but no ppl knowing who the winchesters are. they are NOBODIES. they pop up like little meerkats and fuck everything up beyond repair.

• also no fancy tech. no iphone 76z or whatever the fuck. sam has an ipod 1. the wheel is so stuck he can barely press play anymore. remember when he literally just tore off the top casing off his laptop and threw it away? more of that.

• no nice clothes. NO nice clothes we fuckin hate that. everything sam and dean own was purchased pre 1995 and dean is an expert at removing blood stains and sewing up jackets. dean will walk into a laundromat with a tide pen and just start goin for it like that scene in deadpool.

• tbh.... I feel like the issues in later seasons are really this massive horrible domino effect. like I could say heres how to fix s7-10 but the fact is if shit hadnt gone down lile it had in s7 s10 would be a different story entirely.

• I am gonna do it tho bc I suck <3

• s6: soulless sam was funney but did that really go anywhere? no. tbh I dont remember what happened w cas and I'm just not going to look it up. it's just not in the cards for tonight. dean w lisa.... ehh.... I've discussed this at wayy too much length w mushroom and we both agreed that dean would probably keep hunting to keep his mind off things and to try and honor sams sacrifice. I guess theres an argument to be made for the fact that it kind of was Sam's dying wish that dean just go fin her and live a normal life but... idk. purgatory was. . indeed a Concept..... that could have maybe gone somewhere if it didnt rapidly spiral into....

• s7!!! I mean. jesus christ. I know some people like this one but jesus christ. the way they literally couldnt commit to having sam have genuine mental health problems after centuries in hell or to just magically wipe them away..... bobby dying halfway thru.... charlie was a bright spot I suppose, but her intro is not my fave episode w her.... idk what the fuck happened w cas, I guess he was god. the leviathan designs were kinda neat but like oh my fucking god it wasnt worth it.

• s8: uh. rough start. idk why the turn tables so suddenly and dean's like "why didnt u look for me >:((" bc??? yall agreed not to???? at the VERY least they couldve had sam been like "I legitimately had no reason to think u werent dead and in heaven and tha wouldve been a little rude of me to pull u out of that." but we went for ~drama~ to make it spicy I guess. ouygh. bunkers there!!! that was cool!!! MoL is a cool concept!!! altho... it doesn kinda contradict the whole sam and dean are nobodies thing... idk. trials of hell was like... cool in theory but bad in practice unless they were planning on ending the show for realskies. and they did not.

• s9: uhh... hated gadreel! hated that shit! wish they had spun that whole storyline to be more "hey sam I noticed u were s*icidal should we maybe address that??" or even like.... I mean dean probably couldve just TOLD sam abt his plan, he had already convinced him to stay alive by that point??? there was no reason to lie!!! plus the betrayal of gadreel not being who he said he was wouldve been like. literally enough drama, we didnt need to fracture the team again. and cas was??? where exactly??? be was human for at least half of that season but hey didnt know what to do w him so they chucked him in a convenience store??? good lord.

• s10: got no suggestions for that one, just toss it

• s11: ok... shes cute.... we can forgive her.... the lore is shaky at best but the episodes SLAP and the characterization is *chefs kiss*. it's been a hot minute since I've seen it so if smth sucked I dont remember and I plan to keep it that way!!!!

• s12: n.. no. no mary. no mary unless we're doing it right. and I promise u doing it right was not poorly ripping off kingsman. couldve brought back bobby!!! if they desperately wanted some drama couldve brought back john!!! actually fuck that, no way

• s13-15: no thoughts, only jack kline <3

[sortagaysortahigh]

This is personal so yall can keep scrolling idc fr

Honestly Idk if its the colleigate depression, seasonal depression, depression depression, adhd, anxiety, job stress, my fingers being unusable or what. But I think ive officially hit the last straw and I have no motivation to write at all. Like genuinely I see no point in writing because while I do think my writing is bad-horrible even,i literally gag when I have to reread something I’ve written-i still used to love writing but lately I don’t really think I love anything.

Like ik Im a huge shit posting bitch, and I love to rant and I talk about things im very passionate about and yall know i be oversharing and shit like that but I just kind of lost all of my compassion for things, and the entire reason I’m posting about this is because its one of the realities of mental illness. My depression in combination with my adhd have gotten so bad that I genuinely cannot focus on anything anymore, I zone out and then my mild depressive episodes turn into major depressive episodes. I dont get those random surges of energy that I used to, and honestly I miss it. I miss being able to work with my mental illness and not having it work against me.

I do love everyone who follows me, whos constantly interacted with me, the people that still tag me in everything and that im in groupchats with. I genuinely love all of you because truth be told when this quarantine started the shitty ass boat show and it’s fandom really kept me afloat. Like i had just gotten better, I was thriving, it was finally getting hot outside and my seasonal depression was finally plummiting, but then my uni shut down and I was really spiraling so I said fuck it and watched that horrible fucking show, and decided to come back to tumblr and see what the fandom was like and im honestly so thankful for that.

This isnt one of those dramatic ass “im leaving tumblr” posts, its literally just me sitting here struggling to type because my hand is fucked up at three in the morning. I need somewhere that I can talk about my mental health and shit like that without it being attached to my real identity if you get what I mean, only a handful of you know how I look, know how my voice sounds, know where I’m from, etc so it’s like this is a safe space for me because of the anonymity it provides me. In my day to day life I’m so busy, I have people constantly talking to me about ten million things, i have to host events and meetings and be a TA, I have to be featured in instagram lives, I have to represent organizations and my university. I have so much more ahit to do and people know me, they know that version of me and I’m genuinely not comfortable with showing most people the 110% real version of myself that I’ve partially shared with yall.

Like people don’t know about my weird ass fandom fixations or my shitty writing or the fact that I eat ass. People don’t know how annoying and obnoxious I can get, like people don’t really get that vibe from me but it’s like on this blue hellsite-ive always been able to be that version of myself and in the past like 8 years that ive been here I’m glad.

But of course this is where I talk about the fact that I’m not myself right now, idk what the fuck is going on in my life and for once I’m actually afraid of what’s gonna happen in the future. I’m nit addaid of change, I love that shit, but this year, being in college, being black, being latinx, being a woman, being a lesbian, like all of these things that ive been so comfortable in are starting to feel like icky? Like i don’t know myself anymore-I don’t know the bitch I see when I look in the mirror and I don’t even know what I love to do anymore because it feels like I’ve grown numb to the world around me.

Idk, things just feel off. Maybe it’s the calm before the storm-or maybe I’m already in the storm. Whatever the fuck is going on has me questioning a lot of thing about myself.

[mallowbees]

i dont know much about TMA but ,, could you tell me a bit about avatars? I want to make a sona really bad because they look so cool haha

Oh heck YEAH I can!!

Right so!! Avatars are people who have had experiences with or behavior that aligned with one of the 14(15 kinda?) fear entities and end up serving them!! Throwing people to their, for lack of better words, god, to feed off of their fears and occasionally try to kick of rituals to make their god strong and getting some sweet powers as a reward!

!! It’s gonna be kinda hard to avoid spoilers with explaining this, so I’ll try to keep it to the minimum but some spoilers for avatar people’s stuff :’D !!

The 14 are as follows (I’m just gonna snag most of this from the wiki but anything not in italics is me):

The Burried :

Also called The Center, Choke, Too Close I Cannot Breathe.

The fear of claustrophobia, small spaces, of being unable to breathe and the underground and dust. Being at the centre of everything and it is all pushing down. Fear of being trapped without enough space.

Notable avatar person I can think of is 18th centry guy who worked in a grave yard and would nap in the graves cause it was quiet and when they installed bells incase someone was actually alive when they burried them they could ring it, so someone rang it and he cut the line because he thought they were nice and deserved to sleep, also early episode lost johns cave is a good example but doesnt have an avatar in it so hfgh

The Corruption :

Also called Filth, The Crawling Rot, or The Hive.

This entity is linked closely to our feelings of disgust, of feeling revulsion and fear of corruption, disease, filth. Manifests as mould, bugs, rot, decay, infection. The feeling of your skin crawling.

Jane Prentiss, she wanted to be loved and found love in a bunch of worms in a wasp nest in her attic, so she became their hive, she loves her worms and her worms love her, they sing

Also other guy I genuinely don't know his name he just made everyone sick at that retirement home with disease and hung out at hill top road a few times, got sealed in concrete and he always looked like he was skin and slightly rotting

The Dark :

Also called Mr. Pitch, The Forever Blind, The Sandman

A manifestation of our very primal fear of the dark, of what lies beyond what we can sense. What might be in it?

One of the oldest of the Entities.

Uhh cult kidnapped that one kid i think that was them, i dont know who the dark avatar is actually

The Desolation :

Also called The Lightless Flame, The Torturing Flame, The Devastation, Blackened Earth.

This entity deals in fear of pain, of loss, burning, fear of unthinking or cruel destruction.

Acolytes are enriched by destroying the lives of people who had things to live for, destroying things before their potential is realised. In exchange, the cult members can create heat--but not fire--and gain the ability to make their skin run like wax.

They burn from the inside and consume everything in flames, Jude Perry and Agnes Montague are the two i know, Agnes was born into it and died because of forbidden love and Jude set her girlfriends flat on fire so hgfhfg

The End :

Also called Death, Terminus, The Coming End That Waits For All And Cannot Be Ignored.

This entity deals in the fear of death itself, uncaring and unstoppable.

No known attempts at a ritual, presumably because it sees no need to, as Death claims all in the end.

Oliver Banks!! Had dreams of strings that tied people to their deaths, actual rational avatar, also didnt ask for this but he does pretty well. Also commited identity fraud

The Eye :

Also called Beholding, The Watcher, The Ceaseless Watcher, It Knows You.

This entity is fear of being watched, exposed, followed, of having secrets known, but also the drive to know and understand, even if your discoveries might destroy you. Fear that you’re suffering for the sake of something watching.

Elias!! Horrible man!! Can body hop! Just wants to watch the drama unfold and get more power. Knows lots of things and compulsion ! Also Jon because he reckless curiosity kinda screwed him over there and yeah. And that one security guy who got consumed by a watcher lietner watching other people via security camera, rip that guy

The Flesh :

Also called Viscera.

Born from the fear of animals bred for meat, and in the human realisation that we are just animated meat and bones.

Manifests as strange bodies being twisted, reshaped, and butchered.

Thought to be the newest of the 14, born around the time of the Industrial Revolution

Jared Hopworth! Got a Lietner, runs a gym to change bodies into what people want until they're practically not human anymore, likes most bones if they're good bones

The Hunt :

Hunting and chase and violence, this is an animalistic fear, very old and primal. Fear of being hunted, being prey.

Less able to affect people due to our self-removal from the food chain. Self-proclaimed monster hunters (and those who do the same without referring to themselves as such) run a strong chance of becoming Hunters and then having a need to hunt and kill monsters.

Daisy! Things get kinda messed up when you combine non-human impulses with a person so! Murder! violence!

The Lonely :

Also called Forsaken, The One Alone The fear of isolation, of being completely cut off and alone. Fear of being disconnected.

Peter lukas, Martin, grew up lonely and shunned idk what you expected, can literally vanish, cool aethetic- Also that one girl who married one of the lukas’, nayomi? But she wasnt an avatar just with one

The Slaughter :

This entity feeds off of pure, unpredictable, unmotivated violence. Strong ties to war. Fear of not knowing, where, when, how or if pain will come but that it will. Can be violent like a frenzied killer or calm and regimented like soldiers firing on the battlefield.

Melanie! Anger! Murder! Stabby stab! Justificated feeling that your anger is right!

The Spiral :

Also called Es Mentiras, It Is Lies, The Twisting Deceit, It Is Not What It Is.

This entity is fear of madness, of being lost, that your world is wrong, that your mind is lying to you. It deals with deception, lying, deceiving the mind and senses.

Michael! Helen! I don’t,, really know what to say on this one hgfhfg

The Stranger :

Also called I Do Not Know You.

Fear of the unknown. That creeping sense that something isn’t right. Also of unfamiliar people. Manifests as objects pretending to be humans, like mannequins and taxidermied people.

Theyre not people they arent who they arE

The Vast :

Also called The Falling Titan.

This entity deals in our fear of our own insignificance in this universe, of losing yourself in too much space. Its effects involve void, vertigo, and falling, but also anything to do with openness and open spaces, fears like Agoraphobia, fear of deep water.

Simon fairchild is honest to god just vibing hes having so much fun also reeeally long lifespan he likes watching people fall off this and falling off himelf, also mike crew who didnt ask for this but just kinda ended up there anyway cause he got struck by lightning on a hill and got a book

The Web :

Also called The Spider, Mother of Puppets.

Deals with fear of being controlled, entrapped, being trapped and not knowing it, and your will not being your own, of being manipulated. Manifests as spiders and spider webs and patterns like spider webs.

The Extiction :

Also called The Terrible Change, The Future Without Us, The World Is Always Ending

The 15th Entity hypothesized by Adelard Dekker to be currently emerging. 

It is not yet confirmed to actually exist, if it is yet to be officially born, or if it is a combination of other powers and their overlap. It deals with the fear of catastrophic change, the destruction of humanity and its replacement by something different, especially via mankind's own causing.

Man-made elements are one of its hallmarks.

Avatars of other Entities would like to prevent it from emerging if possible.

Nobody on this one yet but yeah!!

So!! Usually it’s either the thing you are scared of embraces you and flips your behavior on its head, (Scared of being alone? Make other people alone! Scared of falling? Make other people fall!) Or something you like vibe with embraces and justifies you even if it scares you (Want to know?? Huh?? Buddy? Wanna Know? Or you just want some love? Get u some worms) Like if your experiences fall under one of the categories you probably go there if you’re not afraid of it, or if something happens and you’re terrified of it but not dead you’ll probably end up there hfhghgfh

Oh also here’s a what entity are you quiz if that helps ghfhfgh: https://uquiz.com/quiz/zxE9GQ/which-tma-entity-are-you-aligned-with?embed=False

Basically, does it scare you a little? Does it vibe with you a bit? There you go! You have an entity now! Have fun! HFGhfh

[dearinheadlights-archived]

TW: SA

every time i go to the library to study, I end up spiraling into a depressive episode about my old friend group and my abuser, and how none of my friends did anything about me being literally SAed. they’re doing fine. they’re in a fucking band. they put a poster up about a concert they were having RIGHT OUTSIDE MY HOUSE. i hope it goes horribly. it’s not like they write good music anyways, and their covers are mediocre. sometimes they sound decent, and that’s me being nice, which I don’t owe them anymore. not after what they did to me.

apparently they have a new girl friend. of course they do. they have to get their female emotional support from somewhere, now that i’m gone. none of them could process their emotions without me coddling them. But when I went through serious shit, they abandoned me for my abuser. thanks ://

it’s not like i want to be friends with them again. this isn’t me yearning for them back. i was clearly giving more than i was receiving. but it’s just upsetting to see. it pokes the trauma wound that hasn’t healed i guess. I don’t know when it will heal. it has only been a few months, and I have better friends now... I’m just tired of having to keep my guard up around everyone. I feel like no one likes me. like anyone would leave at the drop of a hat. like i’m worthless. i can’t even focus on my academics. i’m only in two classes and i feel like i’m drowning just trying to get my final exam/papers done. it’s too late to decide that college isnt for me--i’m already in student debt. and i used to be such a good student. i was an honors student, and i took AP classes. i dont know what happened. the trauma i guess. and the anxiety and depression got worse i guess. i just want to not do anything for a while. and i know i can, once winter break is here. but i have to finish this stuff first, and thats so hard. especially when im dealing with all this mental shit

[tumblunni]

Ok just... just... GIVE ME A SECOND to talk about the spoilery monster rancher stuffs, okay? Why THAT ENDING hurt so much but also fit so well with the rest of it, and why the third season kinda sucked so much despite being the continuation we all desperately craved. And why its still gonna have a place in everyone’s hearts, even the haters, JUST because it gave a conclusion to THAT FUCKING ENDING! I dont care if people say it would be more deep or whatever to leave on the downer cliffhanger, I still think it SHOULD have had a third season, just that it should have been better. Or I mean... maybe it would have worked better as a movie or a short ten episode season or something. Just there should have been SOME sequel to that ending, but a very very lighthearted season about a goofy tournement kinda wasnt what it should have been.

OKAY THE ENDING THE SEASON 2 ENDING the giant and damn awesome subversion of everything about the genre, which fit so well with everything else the show ever did, GAHHH Like.. there were SO MANY subversions and just interesting detailed twists on common ‘mon show’ tropes. One of the earliest episodes begins with an asshole trainer treating his Worm monster the same way a lot of people honestly might do while min-maxing in one of these videogames. He’s disgustingly abusive and feels like he’s justified because he’s making his monster stronger, and that’s all that it’s good for. And the show establishes its tearjerker tone early on by having this guy only repent after his horribly abused monster sacrifices itself to save him from the baddies, even after how badly he’d treated it. And he’s begging apologies to its dead disc stone, while it’s too late to do anything about it. But the show STILL gives him a chance at redemption, because our heroes trust him to raise a new newborn Worm, and to do it right. That’s just... what the show is. It went really REALLY dark, but it did this with this kind of determined optimism! And even the funnier episodes could have high stakes, and there was always the reminder that we were living in this dystopia and just trying to keep our smiles during it, because otherwise how can we change it?

And thats why season 3 fumbled by like.. not introducing its stakes early enough. Or.. at all. it was good that they finally introduced some good comic relief villains and generally villains with more motivations and backstory, but it combined badly with the no-intial-high-stakes thing to give a season that just felt way too happy. In a show that certainly had happiness in it before, but I mean it never felt hollow?? It kinda felt disrespectful to follow up a super depressing cliffhanger with such a badly explained and rushed flip back to the status quo, and then such a sparse plot with so few incentives to keep watching. Its only initial good point was that it resolved the cliffhanger AT ALL, but it could have done it WELL, and also established a new reason to wanna watch the show now the one big huge main plot has been resolved. Following up after the bad guy is defeated is always a hard thing, you cant just put no effort into it... Tho I feel bad even saying that, cos seriously season 3′s villains were the best part. They just might have fit better in season 1, or just if the plot kept up the slack surrounding them...

BUT YEAH JUST THE SUBVERSIONS!! I could fuckin ramble forever about how great they were! Seriously it was just THE BEST ‘ending’ to a ‘stuck in another world’ story, ever! Having the main kid finally get back home, but at the ABSOLUTE WORST MOMENT, after all his friends have sacrificed themself to save that world and he’s the only one left alive. And he doesnt even get enough time to process the shock, he barely even sees the rescued world before he just wakes up home as if nothing happened. And he’s stuck feeling like he can’t adjust to being part of this world anymore, and he’s mourning people he can’t even talk to anyone about. Imagine how worried his parents must have been when he became depressed seemingly overnight and refuses to tell them why! And then it just ends on him crying in the rain and the ghosts of his friends trying to motivate him to get back up and find a reason to live again. That was ONE HELL of a cliffhanger, yo! So yeah OF COURSE people were cheering for a new season, but also OF COURSE that new season would fail if it insufficiently followed up on the emotional impact of the cliffhanger and then had a bazillion episodes of barely anything emotional ever happening again, when the first series had you crying your eyes out as early as episode 4...

oh and like DEAR GOD all the OTHER really good subversiony episode plots aaaaa like even down to little stuff like how genki actually fights alongside his monster pals. And he’s a total badass who does succeed in doing more than most humans could do, but still he’s just a human going against monsters. he knows what he’s doing is rash, but he does it anyway because he cares about his monsters and couldnt just let them die without throwing himself in front of the bullet. And every battle in this show is life or death rebellion against an oppressive regime like that! Random low risk tournement episodes used to be.. like.. FILLER in this series. It was a terrible idea for the entire third season’s plot... And I also loved how the team actually did help people along the way as they journeyed to defeat the baddies, and it wasn’t JUST fighting. They had a whole tearful episode about everyone struggling to hold back a dam that the baddies had sabotaged to wipe a village off the map, and it was INFINATELY MORE INTENSE than half of the things Pokemon has ever done, lol! (not that I dislike pokemon, just the anime in particular is a bit naff) God, how they were all strangers to this village and how they actually had bickering between the team members on whether they should really do this, and all the different ways they tried to save the dam and how they made it way too clear that they were gonna die from friggin holding this thing back with their bare hands. And how they organized the whole town to work themselves to the bone trying to divert the dam, and how a bunch of their attempts failed and they came so close to not having enough time! You had me weeping for the potential deaths of a hundred nameless faceless npcs just from putting me in the shoes of our heroes reacting to it! You made a little kid understand the complexity of civilian casualties in war! And OH MAN, Golem’s backstory! How he was a former war soldier who just shattered mentally after being forced to kill so many other monsters. And he was so gentle at heart, and he sat there guarding this church full of disc stones for god knows how many decades, blaming himself for what happened. Like.. it showed that even when you’re fighting villains, killing still breaks you. Dear GOD, his face when he came back down from his friggin ptsd flashback anger episode saving the heroes from the baddies, and he saw all the dead baddies, and just... you could not talk to that man and tell him that killing was justified just because they were BADDIES. Even if its in self defense, he still has to look at his hands that just murdered people. I’m so damn glad the heroes managed to befriend him and take him away from that place, cos that moment came so close to sending him back to his guilt spiral! If anything, I think that the dub calling them ‘baddies’ actually made all these moments way more effective. The childish terminology makes you think this is gonna be a paint by numbers story, so it hurts more when its anything but! Even in a world with a concept like ‘the bad guy magically turns people into his bad minions’, they still managed to deal with complex grey morality, and that’s one hell of a crowning achievement!

...plus it allowed for a happy ending after all. God, i cried for all those poor minor mooks getting brought back to normal in the end. Honestly, even though it hurt, I would have accepted it ending on all of the hero monsters being dead forever for the sake of bringing back all the dead civilians and brainwashed baddies. Sacrificing yourselves to save so many others! God, this show’s characters are too goddamn pure. AND COMPLEX TOO! man I loved how grumpy and selfish half of the hero cast is, yet they’re still heroes despite it, and god just HOW THEY ALL DIED TOGETHER AND OUR PROTAGONIST IS THE ONLY ONE FORCED TO KEEP ON LIVING that was such a fucking cliffhanger thank you terrible season 3 for fixing it man i can forgive anything you do because you did that baby mocchi lived and ate some mochi cakes and tiger and hare lived to bicker with each other once more and golem could find some peace knowing all the people he saved, even if he might never be free of the guilt of those he failed to save and suezo and holly didnt have to be apart again, he didnt have to end his life finally proving his ‘usefulness’ at the cost of everything else (SERIOUSLY SUEZO LOW SELF CONFIDENCE EPISODES KILL MY HEART) and genki didnt have to have his childhood completely destroyed by his ‘magical adventure’ plot ending on so much of a trope subversion even if still it was good that it happened it was a really fuckin good plot all that suffering just made the happy ending that much happier! GOD I miss this show very much...

[isas-identity]

I dont even think i can watch the first season anymore without feeling sad and spiraling anymore, maybe someday, but not soon.

Like gosh, remember when VLD came out???

The animation was amazing and the music was so unique and beautiful. and so much diversity from the cast.

Allura was a beautiful space princess OF COLOR who was a strong physically AND mentally, independent woman who guided them but still went through hard things herself but also fought with the paladins by their side, NONE of that “damsel in distress” bullshit.

Pidge?? god Pidge! she was a girl, and she was intelligent and she was driven: she wanted to rescue her family and thats was her mission. She was awkward and a nerd and felt left out sometimes because of how intelligent she was and noone understanding her but still found family whitin the team. AND made the point made that whatever gender you are doesnt stop you from fighting for what’s right.

Shiro?? was this young but brave man who suffered and was tortured, but still stepped up for these teenagers so they wouldnt be alone, he looked out for them and protected and guided them the best he could, while also doing what was right. BUT still was kind of a goofball sometimes and that was awesome!

Keith was the lonewolf with the heart of gold, who was awkward but deeply cared for the ones who were close to him, he had a real short temper and problems to let people in, but godamn if he wasnt trying. His search for his own self and his family/roots was so promising.

and Hunk was a beautiful cinnamon roll (will be forever) who was all anxious and scared but still found bravery to fight for what’s right. He worried about everyone and always helped out the most he could. He was shown being such a brilliant ingeneer who also loved cooking and if that wasnt amazing i dont know what is.

And yeah, Lance was a goofball, was a flirt. but he was fun, and happy, and so selfless and caring and adventurous. he was so fuckign brave. And gosh i forever loved when he would break the tension in the middle of a battle with a dumb joke, or fighting with keith or something. i love him os much.

And the show had so much potential about them finding family whithin eachother, saving people not only with strong muscle and fighting gigant robots but also with care and love and understanding for the people who suffered. And as overused the power of friendship is but goddamn it if idont  drink that shit like water.

But now i feel like i was robbed out of all that could be from these characters. All that forced romance and Sacrifices and horrible handling of their character arcs, lackluster writing, etc.

I wanted to stop watching this season like a thousand times, and if it werent for the first episode, the camera episode and the clear day episode (plus the two small keith and lance talking moments), i wouldnt have enjoyed shit.

i will never forgive them for never giving Lance a closure after feeling “useless” all series, make him heartbroken about Allura (whom never really loved him romantically back) and then dump him in a farm where he does nothing to help with the relief efforts of the universe. i mean, he was good for nothing in voltron so why is he even going to choose a job on earth that lets him help out people a little, am i right???

I will never forgive them for making Keith, the lonewold who’s storyline was supossed to be about letting people in and find himself whitin his mismatched group of friends because they were his familly, abandom them to go to the blade of marmora for 3 fucking seasons, never seeing him again but in like 3 episodes, being with an organization that woul’ve let him die and was cold towards him all the time. (AND THEN half-ass his and his mother’s closure story)

Allura?? Allura needed to get over judging people for their race, about let the anger go and do it for whats right. About gaining amazing powers and using them to do good in the universe and unite her people. But like, forget that, lets make her do the right thing by not judge this guy whos as half-galra and fall in love deeply with him but then oops ALL GALRA ARE THE SAME AM I RIGHT? HES EVIL! lets never forgive him but lets DO forgive his parents who are the ones who killed countless planets including altea. cuz there’s good in everyone i guess. All while she runs to the arms of this one guy who loves her a lot, and she finds solace on that but doesnt really truly love him so she’s like using him but not really cuz she really apreciates him. Also let her die for the cause cuz why not.

Also?? i never was into Lotor. ever. He was always too suspicious and then the downfall of his story was fast so we barely got to see his true self. But baby?? he deserved better. so so much better. He was nothing but an abuse victim, who was also a racism victim because never belonged with the galra and never with the alteans cuz he was half-breed. He wanted to do what was right, he wanted to give the other species a chance and work with them. learn about them. But fuck that am i right?? lets just kill him off i guess cuz thats what you get for playing dirty even if it was the only way you could make a difference in the galra.

I will never forgive them screaming “omg gay characters! gay couple!” only to give one of them 5 seconds screentime before killing them and the other one never ever thinking about them or mourning them.

I will never forgive them for “oh its about war, not romance guys!” and “oh we would never do a disservice to these characters, we would never push on a romance if the characters werent feeling it” and then proceed making Lance go after Allura for like 6 seasons while she completely ignored him and ended up falling in love with Lotor only to kill him off and then push Lance and Allura together because Lotor broke her heart and she was feeling lonely and Lance was there being nice to her telling her he loved her.

and them giving a lot of hints and plot-points they completely dropped and made a rushed clusterfuck of last season.

For so many Hints to something romantic happening between Keith and Lance AND also Keith and Shiro and milking it to keep the show’s rating only to drop it without never confirming or denying anything and going last minute like “oops ur crazy fans, theyre only friends and brothers jeez stop seeing things!”

and if you want to say “oh its not that deep, its a kids show!”, you can go and see how they proceeded with showing a rotting melting corpse of a villain who had nothing but good intensions and was an abuse victim in the show. but go off that tangent if you want i guess.