#i dont keep true to myself

[ragingextrovert]

i want my guts to turn inside out

i am so done

i hate myself forever and ever

how do i live with hating myself because that's where i am right now and i can never get back/better. i'm just gonna close that door on myself forever now.... because i dont deserve it and i never deserved it.

anything that i was telling myself to feel good was a lie.

i seriously dont even want to be Here^TM

but i feel like i''m forced to be...

drunk as all hell. awkward, trying desperately to cling to a life that i dont even want anymore.

He is gone forever and my lack of presence in his life weighs on me. LIke,,,,,,, but doing that same thing to other people???......... not the best. but like.... He did it :'} and plenty of others too.....

view from halfway down.

[roystartt]

Statement: 'Eddie doesn't like Tommy'

Incorrect.

Actual canon: Eddie had a massive dudebro crush on Tommy

Source: He hung out with him several times incl. introducing him to his kid.

Statement: 'Buck was trying to get Eddie's attention not Tommys'

Incorrect.

Actual canon: he is trying to get the attention of the hot pilot

Source: Bro literally said it was Tommy's attention he as trying to get

Statement: 'but the gym scene... Tommy wasn't even there so obviously it was Eddie's attention he wanted'

Incorrect

Actual canon: He was trying to get invited to the basketball pickup game because he knew Tommy was going to be there

Source: Eddie tried to make him go to the pick up games before and Buck was only interested once he knew Tommy would be there.

Statement: 'He is a bad person because he never apologised for his past actions towards Hen and Chim'

Incorrect

Actual canon: Shown growth in between each 'Begins' episode despite very little overall screen time and by the time he leaves it is very clear he is friendly and liked by both Hen and Chim.

Source: In 'Bobby Begins' all three are joking together and they hang out outside of work. Chim stayed in contact at least somewhat irregularly considering he called in a favour from him later on in s2 which is set at least a few years after 'Bobby Begins Again'. This shows that there has been some level of forgiveness between the characters. Also there's 15+ canon years between 'Chim Begins' and when we see Tommy again in s7. We don't know what apologies were made that weren't shown on screen, and sometimes actions speak louder than words. Plus no one is the same person as they were 15 years ago, especially if the 15 years younger you is stuck in the closet and terrified of your homophobic and racist boss finding out about that.

Statement: 'Tommy doesn't care about Buck and made a sex joke when Buck was trying to open up'

Incorrect.

Actual canon: Tommy checked in with Buck and gave Buck opportunities to talk about everything that had been going on. Buck was the one to imply about Daddy kink, Tommy just went along with it because he is letting Buck set the pace.

Source: They are grown ass men who are capable of both having a feelings conversation and also then make dirty sex jokes because again they are grown ass men and are probably having dirty sex as we speak.

Statement: 'The rest of the 118 don't like Tommy'

Incorrect.

Actual canon: Bobby thinks Tommy is 'good people'. Chim and Hen hung out with Tommy outside of work by 'Bobby Begins Again'. Chim likes Tommy well enough to keep in touch over several years to a degree where he can call in multiple favours.

Source: Just watch the show bruh

[sharkneto]

Hey, sorry if this is a bit of a personal question - and feel free to ignore it if it is - but how did you know you wanted to start hrt? I am someone who IDs as transmasc and knows in an ideal world, I would've loved to have been born a guy. But the idea of going on hormones is terrifying because I can't figure out if I really want it... I worry about regretting it, or it making me 'unappealing' physically, or my friends judging me for it. Did you ever struggle with similar worries?

I think every person thinking about and starting HRT goes through this. A rite of passage, if you will, and also not a bad thing to do. HRT is a big step, some of the changes (especially on T) are irreversible. It's good to think through if it's a choice that's right for you or not.

That said, it's also Just A Thing You Can Do. I first started really questioning my gender at the end of 2020 (thank you, Elliot Page, for coming out and making me go "oh shit, you can do that?"). I got a therapist to talk about gender... Mid 2022? And started hormones spring 2023, top surgery a year later.

Before getting the therapist, I spent over a year Just Thinking About It. And a lot of the thoughts were around the changes on T and if I'd like them or not or if I'd regret them. If I'd be ugly, after being conventionally attractive as a woman.

It hits a point, though, where eventually you have to pull the plug one way or another. I spent a lot of time thinking about how my body would change on T. A Lot. With longing. I caught myself putting things off Until I Knew For Sure and because I didn't want to do it while being perceived as a woman. I was sitting, treading water for a hypothetical Later that I could start moving towards at any time. I was scared for the Teenage Round 2 phase, and didn't want to spend months being "ugly and awkward", but then the months passed anyway and I was still in the same spot.

HRT isn't an all-or-nothing thing, you can ease into it on a low dose. My doctor started me on a low dose and we ramped up over months. Some T changes can start pretty quickly (voice dropping, bottom growth - this isn't true for everyone, but was true for me). If these changes excite you, make you feel good - great! Keep going! If they scare you, feel wrong - stop. Assess. Figure out what about it isn't right (a gender therapist for all of this process is a Huge Help). In early days if you stop T, the changes can revert, for the most part. But you can always stop at any time.

The bigger thing I actively worked to wrap my head around before starting HRT is - Who Cares If You're Wrong? What's right for you now might not be right for you later. The idea of detransitioning was scary to me, society has such a weird spotlight on it, the Right uses people who have detransitioned as props against transition. But it shouldn't matter. At the end of the day, if I do change my mind, I'll know myself better, and I don't think it's wrong to chase and find comfort in your own body.

A year+ on T, I've mostly made it through the ugly duck phase, I think. I was lucky, I didn't get bad acne or get too oily or anything (after having horrible acne in my first puberty). Most of what I dealt with was the chronic baby face, where I was getting read as male but a teenager - I'm almost 30 and a woman wanted to card me over a free T-shirt at a baseball game because it had beer logos on it. After some middle months of changes and going "oh my god what am I doing" and not feeling confident in how this was all going to turn out, I think of myself as relatively attractive and I think I'm just going to get more vain as my beard comes in. Some of that is physical, sure, but I think a significant amount of that is me feeling more confident in myself and liking the body I'm in more. I was never a selfie or picture person, now I am. I joke I'm like a budgie, always looking at myself if there's a reflective surface nearby. I'm more excited to exercise, I'm interested in lifting weights for the first time, I'm curious what my body on T can do and become. Keep your eyes on the pieces that are going well, the changes exciting you, and let the rest catch up.

My social circle helped a lot. I'm very lucky and blessed to have great friends and family, all of whom are supportive. If you don't have friends who are supportive of you, that are judging you for exploring yourself rather than lifting you up for it, it's a sign to expand the social circle and find ones that are. Family is harder, but that's a thing you have to navigate for yourself and find your own boundaries for.

So, there's no ~one moment~ where you're 100% certain that medical transition is right for you. It's a huge unknown and you're changing the body you've had your entire life. At some point, though, you just have to jump and see how it lands. Part of being alive is making mistakes and doing things you might regret.

That said, the regret rate for trans people is something like 3%. The regret rate for knee surgery is something like 20%. Trust yourself.

[snobgoblin]

im just saying i have so many fae traits like for instance i take things literally and impoliteness is one of my pet peeves

[ggreeeenheart]

god... work is such a shitshow rn. my company is failing everyone (status quo) and I'm playing the role of atlas (status quo), and what I NEED to do is not give a fuck when they come yelling screaming at me for not doing enough.

the problem is that I fucking care!! i care too goddamned much!! i care that people are getting screwed over and i care that half our shit doesn't work and i care that i've been stuck on a single project for so goddamned long and barely inching along in terms of progress!!! they're going to demand receipts for why I haven't done more, and the simple answer is my adhd!! but when every meeting is my boss trying to wring new excuses or progress reports out of us instead of actually giving a shit about what we do here or why anyone's struggling...

my head hurts. the right thing to do, genuinely, is to tell my boss to shove it up his ass. his company didn't want to hire someone with actual time and talent to play manager, then don't come complaining to me when our whole shop is mismanaged. (that's YOUR job, bucko!!!!!)

but i just care too goddamned much. and when the truth is that the One thing i'm sensitive about is whether or not I can fight my body and mind hard enough to actually get things in my life done...

...this week is going to suck.

[gibbearish]

idk, its just. like. a person comes up to you with their heart cradled in their hands. says it is broken, says it hurts. places it in your hands, asks you to please make it stop and trusts you to fix it. wouldnt you be scared, too? wouldn't you be haunted by visions of you tripping and shattering it beyond repair, of driving the thing thats hurting them even further down so that maybe no one can ever get it out, of someone in their deepest darkest moment trusting you with their life and you fucking it up? how could that ever feel like anything but defusing a bomb? trust is such a valuable thing, a powerful thing, a delicate thing, and the more you have the more you get given and the more careful you have to be with it because what if someday you drop it and break it and it turns out you never should have been given it in the first place. wouldnt you be scared?

[lostandbackagain]

like. only engaging with art made by women is an insane way to cope but I can name one toxic woman in the whole industry and the men who've ruined their own music forever are innumerable.

[freakinator]

its been 7 hours in the poll so far and i saw the who ppl want to win coming but i wasnt expecting the who they think will win ngl, like i was expecting it to be a little more even but nope lol

[marsixm]

ocd rly sucks sometimes bc i swear my paranoia just shoots me in the foot with my personal life so bad

[lecliss]

Sakura gets a second point for being the first to complete the tree climbing at being better at chakra control, but at the same time it just feels like she was made good at it so no extra training segment time would have to be put into her getting good at it and it can be all about Sauce and Nart. Idk that feels too pessimistic but also could totally be true.

[smol-tired-binch-blog]

tell me about your correct opinions. I love hearing opinions...

Honestly I can't think of any specifics rn hdggjndg I just know I am a Nishikiyama Understander. I think one off the top of my head is that yes, he's clearly more emotional than others, but he is not remarkably so and he is NOT a 'crybaby'. Like every time he's cried on screen it's been for very understandable reasons and in highly emotional situations.

Or the idea that him not reciprocating Reina's feelings is like, an inherent character flaw??

[end-orfino]

ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it

[sludgeguzzler]

therapy is going to be a struggle bc i just know that as soon as i mention The Divorce the therapist will try to trace all my problems back to The Divorce and to be completely honest with you, i dont think ive ever had a specific problem with my parents not being together anymore (i kinda knew itd happen eventually) and i feel like my issues come more from the aftermath than from the event itself

[kollector-of-stims]

I CANT-

Just reorganized all my plushies and got into a SQUISHMALLOW PHASE and got together my ENTIRE COLLECTION AND CHANGED MY SLEEP AREA AND TOOK PICS-

THEN FOUND OUT THE COMPANY IS BAD IN WAYS I KNOW ARE BAD BUT DONT HAVE THE SPOONS TO LEARN ABOUT CAUSE I AVOID IRL ISSUES-

I guess me being into other plushies like Aurora and such is a better thing than I thought, but fr I JUST bought 2 new squishmallows EARLIER just to look on here for more wholesome stuff about them and then...

Well, guess cheaper alternatives and knock offs were the better option after all! My two knockoff bats make me happy knowing I didnt support jazwares! As for the official ones? Nah, not getting those irl anymore. So look at my collection now cause no more official ones from irl stores will join this group anymore~

Aurora is still my fave plushie brand 😁

[arundolyn]

not to be a complete ungrateful terrible horrible brat for a minute but like having a terminally ill parent who is also terminally fucking shitty really sucks because not only do you personally have to cope with your parent actively dying but also said parent will get mad at you for wanting time to yourself and not wanting to be their live in nurse 24/7 and also like completely forget about who you are and what you're like as a person especially in terms of like . energy level. because it's not convenient to them right now so anytime you try to think of yourself it always feels like you're Choosing Wrong

[zarovich]

does one ever truly stop being suicidal or do you just get better at ignoring it. i dont know