#i dont know how im supposed to exist
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How am I supposed to be bisexual AND trans?
Someone please give me instructions
#ive watched several a video essay#about how bisexuals dont have a concrete community#with well defined history and culture and societal expectations and norms#and i got my ears pierced today#and i got them both done because there isn't a bisexual ear#and there aren't bisexual clubs#and there isn't a way to exist simultaneously in both queer and straight communities#being trans im already part of the queer community#and thus can just conform to that society expectation#but then am i too queer to have a girlfriend?#do i just want to not worry about feeling disconnected from my family and peers and act as straight passing as possible?#is any relationship im in automatically queer because of my transness#and i hoping for something that will never be possible for me?#is the act of hoping this betraying the queer community?#but similar to that. is the act of wanting to pass as cis betraying the trans community?#is the ceaseless pressure to fit neatly into a predetermined box of social expection n#ot the point of the queer community coming together?#i dont know how im supposed to exist#i dont know how to live my life#i have never seen anyone like me get old before
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knowing pomnis favorite color is red makes me emotional and also slightly more in love with her, for some reason
#knowing facts about her makes me inexplicably giddy about her existence i think somethings wrong with me#like i dont even care that much abt the color red like its a good color but its not even it being her favorite color i think its just like.#knowing trivia about her#im obsessed with her it genuinely brings me to the verge of tears.#sorry everyone... pomni makes me feel very romantic and also prone to saying strange things i dont know what it is about her#dont know why im apologizing actuqally. its my blog and i feel like if you follow a lesbian who repeatedly talks abt how obsessed thing is#with a fictional character#idk why anyone would be surprised or annoyed that i state this#anyway her favorite color is redddddd... wow....#i need to know all there is to know about her please please pelase please please plese#looking at her with huge normal eyes and so kindly ok...#pomniiiiiiiiiiii#i gotta make a tag for this jic anyone ends up liking my posts#but wanting to maybe bl my gushing...#i mean its not really important but maybe i should#sorry i got distracted again im thinking about her......#sighs dreamily.#this is me toning my rambling down ftr i Want to be weirder abt her#but that also frightens me#i dont want 300+ people to watch me be TOO strange abt her thats scary...#atm i lack access to all my meds so i cant even like#easily go in public alone i get really scared. not of anything happening i just Get Scared#because of something to do with people i think??? i dont really know why#how am i supposed to be too weird in front of so many ppl even on the internet......#i try my best. i should be weirder#to do list: be weirder about pomni to practice being more confident socially
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HEAD HEART HANDS: “TURNING A NEW PAGE”
Charlotte is hardwired for realism. It’s a hefty task, given the present company and the dubious physics that have kept them all alive for the past few years, but if a resume could receive an A+, her feats in risk assessment and time-sensitive innovation deserved it. Charlotte would know; she installed the updates herself. Still, with the leader of their trio absent and Jasper dealing with impossibilities on the side, the biggest challenge these days is seeing eye-to-eye.

[ Jasper and Charlotte discuss Henry’s leave of absence, as well as his radio silence. ]
The mythology of Greek craftsman, inventor, and architect Daedalus has been cited by a variety of sources, including Homer, Pliny the Elder (Pliny’s Natural History, AD 77-79), and Plato, the latter of which interpreted his inventory and intellect as a parallel for the pursuit of truth. Pliny credited him with the invention of carpentry, as well as ship sails and masts, in addition to sculptures so lifelike they may as well have been animated; his genius was so evident that life was born into the wood. The most famous of his feats, however, was the tale of wings constructed out of wax, and the fall of his son, Icarus, into the sea.
It’s one thing to live in pursuit of knowledge. It’s not like that’s a bad thing, per se. Plenty of people do, and are perfectly content people with no lingering emotional or psychological hangups. That being said, the itch of knowing and the object of doing are not the same. For doctors who treat the sick in the morning and the engineers who study maths to reach the moon, knowledge alone is poor sustenance. For years—too early—invention has been a means of civic duty. She is too clever to fall into the sea unplanned, but she’s not heartless. She’ll make them wings, and a parachute. She left Harvard and the future she’d made for herself to follow the people she loved. Love—to the point of modification. To the point of invention.
#henry danger#charlotte page#jasper dunlop#henry hart#chenry#hensper#dangerverse#my art#i suppose its a continuation of the previous cover. this is all hypothetical ok this is not serious at all#i was just thinking about how none of these kids went to college. this girl turned down an Ivy League to go backpacking in the worst suburb#to ever exist. not even a trip to Europe or smt ugh. so now none of you are going to college. are you happy. is this what you wanted. why#the hairstyle is based off of that sus wig they gave in her in the finale. what was that. i dont know. i will never know.#i also redesigned the cyborg eye thing bc. well. reasons#im leaning very heavily into comic book panelling now i think. in this imaginary graphic novel or comic run everythings meticulously color#coordinated. because i said so#pov: the brainrot really has begun to rot
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Crying on the floor bc there aren't any greed/ling hanahaki disease fics
#greed is THE emotionally constipated guy like how has this not happened yet#*greed coughing up flowers* wow humans sure are weird#*ling in the back of the mind as greed coughs up his favourite flower* oh for fucks sake#ling could never be the sick one bc he actually does shit instead of pining and lying to himself about it#bc its very hard to feel unreciprocated when you want the manifestation of wanting everything#and ling can read greed like a fucking colouring book that homunculus cant hide shit from him. he knows how greed feels about him#whether it be platonic romantic or other ling would get over it and just be happy to have greed (assuming post canon)#unless its like a “i love him i know he loves me but hes too stupid to realise it and im paying the price” situation#so yeah most of the time its a case of ling knows whats up and is trying to gently nudge greed in the right direction#all while greed doesnt understand whats happening to him and is trying to play it cool#OH yknow what could be fun: putting a lil twist on it. only homunculi get it but instead of simply flowers its literally their stone#inspired by that one 03 greed scene (you know the one)#every time they lose more and more life/energy until. yknow. and its not very known about bc homunculi dont rlly exist#but some alchemists would know (eds the only important one bc what other alchemist does greed know)#(butttt could be fun that hoenheim knows and when they meet him hes like “...thats an interesting cough”)#okay my brain is falling asleep so ill leave it there#greed the avaricious#fma greed#ling yao#fma ling#hanahaki#fmab#greed x ling#greedling#< i suppose. i mostly use that tag for the guy/possession situation not the ship but eh#moss' madness
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so has anyone figured out WHY there is the Need To Share our Artworks™ or is it just the vibes and our Soul apparently
#ive been running on “two cakes. u aren't BOTHERING people by putting art on their feed they can scroll past it/if they dont they get ”cake“”#and we love “cake”#“cake” is picture on the internet in this case#like okay the contracts and transaction format is a me problem!! i need to get rid of the “utilitarian brain worms” bc they're boring#this is supposed to be a hobby and the “get a good grade in hobby” wolf in the brain is just crying bc that's how they understand the world#the “get a good grade in x” wolf has valid pain but needs to stop controlling my life because they don't need to earn “enough value to live”#ect ect ect#and the life of minmaxxed utility is a life of trying to appeal to a “correct” that doesn't exist yaddi yadda = boring#i love you wolf. also shut up. affectionate. concerned. you get it#ok so we remove tangible purpose from act of experience art because THAT'S not “the point”#because “the point” is the joy killer eccetera ecc#but then what? “here check out this labor of love. i drew this fucker 15 times. no there's no story* there it's just a guy”#*story in this case being an emotional engagement/a situation/a context in which to ponder/other#so it's just a Draw. no further analysis. what do others Get from that?#i know i deeply enjoy art because im a fan of the process of People Making Stuff. i love when there was nothing but now there's something!!!#THAT'S what's it all about!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to me!!!! right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#so it stands to reason that creation is purpose enough?? to be experienced???? to be known????????#idk!!#this is a nothing burger of a thought people have always liked picture on the internet stfu maiora there doesn't need to be a reason#this is just the brainworms talking!!! because god forbid “something not have a purpose”??? blegh!!!!!!!!#sounds like unhealthy rationalizing instead of letting things be out of The Fear™!!sounds like depraving urself from joy bc of BRAINWORMS!!!#so like!!!!! picture on the internet doesn't NEED inherent value. creation is enough!! (plus there's the Attachment to Character. also.)#but then why are YOU *points at you* here? gen q!!#i made an image you like and now you are reading my word babble in some tags!!! what's THAT all about???????????#it's INTERESTING!! do you see what im trying to get at??#is it empathy??? person made something other saw something other made- other2other connection???? intrigue????????#.......all this is probably explained in some book or yt essay somewhere. oh well.#in the meantime thank you for your time! we can pretend we were stuck in an elevator together and then i started rambling#i hope you have a great rest of your day thanks for stopping by!! <3#maiora garrulates
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In what you based your vision of italy and/or itager?
People like italy does even exist?
I think fundamentally speaking the world of hetalia does not work like ours. this is obvious because of mf countries being humans but i mean also on philosophical level too like i think if ghouls were real then tokyo ghoul could probably happen. if countries cultures were humanized hetalia would still not be able to occur. Unless we completely deconstructed our sensibilities and reshaped them from the ground up, looney tunes would never be real and something around the same can be said for hetalia. Although I think hetalia is slightly more leaning towards being able to be real compared to looney tunes; it's a sliding scale and hetalia is around where the muppets are at in terms of their sensibilities working in real life. Actually the more I think about it the more I do believe that people with hetalia-like sensibilities do exist, but they're incredibly rare and fucking crazy. Since I dont live hetalia life but i have lived always sunny in philadelphia in real life which is arguably even more implausible of happening. Like bro have you ever read the wikipedia page for the guy who holds the guiness world record for being struck my lightning the most times. that shit is fucking crazy i genuinely believe he was being hunted down a malovelent force and i dont believe in god or anything like that tbh but if i had to then i would say that is probably the second biggest red flag i have ever seen of a higher entity being real. So anyways I think if the bullshit he endured happened then someone having the same disposition and sensibilities as hetalia italy isn't that far out there actually. our world is magical and wonderful isnt it!! :D
Taking this into account, my vision of Itager plays by these rules (warped sensibilities). I think that if someone like Italy is real, then he is not going to be meeting anybody who likes Hetalia because Italy would not be into this gay shit. And i don't think italy could be considered himself anymore if we put him in the same mindset as a normal person in our society; he actually has to genuinely be like the person he is in the show. It's a tall order, but i do think that is reasonable and something that could feasibly happen with how many crazy and insane things that can happen on his planet, you just need to seek these things out! I'm sorry if this is hard to understand with my wording because I also started writing this long ago and kept forgetting to finish. BUT THANK YOU FOR SENDING AN ASK LIKE THIS I REALLY LOVE IT. I LOVE TALKING ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY YOU CARE! <3
#ask#i think that also apart of why i believe someone like italy can exist irl is because i myself do not have thought processes that are#relatable to my peers#because ugh very obviously from my blog i have autism and not the cute kind either#but i mean as in you know how autism makes you think and percieve and have different sensibilities fundamentally from other people#and i suppose that is true for everybody to a degree actually becAUse we all percieve differently#I call this difference in our sensibilites the “gap” because it makes it so we will never be able to fully understand eachother#like evangeleon was right about that and im so happy the gap exists because i think that is the only thing that keeps us from being alone#but anyways i think autism is when that gap is SIGNIFICANTLY bigger than usual and uhmm autism is more components than just the gap#but the gap size is definately a big component of the autism spectrum#and i think thats why at least for me i feel kinda like elf when he was a human raised by elves and he loves elves and is one of them#but also hes not an elf so he'll never instinctually understand everything the way other elves do#and i never watched past 30 minutes of elf so i dont know the story much really but i know he goes to human society and stays there#and i think that doesnt work well with my simile though so tbh i should've used the usual “human raised by aliens” one i usually do#but that one makes it sound gay bc elf is a beloved christmas classic by everyone and is more understandable of the vibe im giving here#but uhmm yeah i think that we obviously have humans who have very different sensibilites compared to what we think is normal#and I would know seeing as I'm someone who is touching that line a lot. I HAVE A REALLY BIG GAP O_O#so i think that it isn't impossible for someone to be further out than i am#like hetalia italy!#or any hetalia character whos forced to live in this world LOL
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realizing that i am an outlier in fandoms because i do not ship anyone with anyone
#like yes i know there are characters that are canonically in relationships and im cool with that#or characters that have connections with others and fans interpret as relationships#its just that i dont particularly care nor feel any urge to “ship”#its like each character exists in a somewhat closed vacuum of being without me needing to interfere if that makes sense#even as a child i didnt ship... i would SAY that i ship char x char only because i thought that doing so was the expectation#but in my mind i simply was like “yeah they click according to the fans. and im a fan so i should say they click”#even with ships i DO like i dont ship.#its like seeing a work in a gallery and thinking “thats cool!” but not wanting to bring it home and display it in your house#< actually thats pretty accurate in describing how i feel#dont get me wrong i am fine with everyone else shipping its just not for me#id say a part of it is because im romance repulsed aro but even then lots of us ship stuff#just some more personal rambles!#although i suppose its nice not to be sucked into shipping wars and stuff. peace and love in my kingdom#rivera writes#shipping#aromantic#romance repulsed#rivera lore
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It's so miserable making side characters for a story and getting attached because now not only are you obsessed with a guy that only exists in your head even if they existed out of your head they'd still be basically just in your head. Like no you guys have to trust me they're so deep and intricate no none of this stuff ever comes up you just have to believe me and like them as much as I do
#rat rambles#oc posting#ofc then comes the fight of wanting to make them more relevant but having to pick your battles#bonus points if theyre not even a side character theyre like. a shadow on the wall thats implied to exist. screams.#bonus bonus points if you can't even bring them up because itd give away stuff the audience isn't supposed to know#I am eternally obsessed with Them but I cant ever talk abt Them because its pretty important to me that I keep this particular secret#in general Ive been trying to not talk abt this story plot wise too much because I wanna make it real someday but man it's rough sometimes#especially since theres just full characters that as I currently have things planned wont even come up in the comic#well They kind of will. but only barely. as in their existence will be implied. and we'll only sort of see part of them like once.#and I love them so much theyre so silly and fun plus their mere existence adds a whole other layer to a member of the main cast#but I have already decided I will not be revealing this stuff to the public so they remain trapped in my head#plus even if I did reveal them no one currently would give much a shit lol#I gotta make the comic real first and then in like another decade I can maybe post a sketch of them <3#but first I have a billion other things I need to do before Im ready to start that comic#including but not limited to finalizing raiden's design 😔#after taking a hill break and thinking on it some more I have someeeee ideas of how to maybe improve things?#my main two goals now are to make their silhouette more plush like and make their clothes more fantasy esc#and I have some extremely vague ideas for both but nothing concrete#I might mess around with shifting them to having traits from a different animal#I dont want to but if it helps with the silhouette problem then I think its worth considering#but yeah I think the big issue is that the rest of the cast are mostly built out of large simple shapes while raiden has bits that arent#mainly their tail but I also feel like theyre just lacking notable defining shapes in general#so the goal is to give them more noticable shapes in their design and make the silhouette even more simple#no I dont know How Im going to do any of that but Ill figure smth out eventually#not tonight tho its late
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watching 'when life gives you tangerines' the way God intended (resenting my fate feeling a deep ache in my heart looking at these characters having the kind of love/relationship/family that i dreamed of--was even convinced i had at some point in my childhood (which was never true) and crying at every episode and still somehow feeling fulfilled in such a tragic way i want to laugh and laugh and laugh until i cry/die)
#when life gives you tangerines#im so. so. like. idek#i have so many thoughts. not many feelings bc theres nothing to feel except envy and resentment but#the way its made is so you would feel this way#ae-sun's whole life and then her daughter's life is the ideal everyone hopes for no matter if they have everything or not.#yes they're struggling and poor and it creates so many problems but the kind of love they have (ae-sun and her daughter) invokes envy#and everyone else in the show feels that and so does the audience#i'm so fucking sad that i'm even more mad#at the same time iam so happy a show like this was made#a show like this exists#and that i watched it#that i got to watch it and experience it the ideal way--the way it was supposed to be#something in me is so settled already i havent even finished it yet but i dont think its much about the ending for this show#i keep crying but i know its no use. i know it can't be so. and that has finally made me be at peace. its just this way now.#this is just how it has always been and how it will always be#i could choose better for myself but#i won't#i wont choose anything at all#theres nothing to fight for--no one who faught for me. i only have myself. and choosing myself is to choose nothing.#bc when you choose yourself you have no external choices to make. you can only build new options. you can only make new outcomes#bring them into existence at great costs especially with nothing backing you and that. i feel like ive been fighting for that all this time#and idk#idk.
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on behalf of my gramma i think i should be allowed to tear people who make ai generated cross stitch and crochet patterns limb from limb thank you very much
#how is that for ANCESTRAL RAGE#is it quite as bad as the ai generated images of ‘finished crochet projects’ that get posted onto crochet facebook groups#making a bunch of older people susceptible to getting fooled by it#feel as if the REAL things they make are inadequate in comparison to a thing that literally does not and could not exist? i suppose no BUT#translating those soulless fucking generated images into a pattern? with little stupid arbitrary Generated Details that make NO sense but ar#necessary for the pattern????#listen people put their hearts and souls and HOURS AND DAYS AND WEEKS AND WHAT HAVE YOU INTO THEIR CRAFT#and you can’t be bothered to put in effort to even create what a pattern is BASED ON?#like. dont get me wrong. i like that there are things you can use to convert an image into a pattern. cool! convenient though alterations ma#may be necessary!#but. plugging words into a site with no real care and then plugging that into a generator saying good enough#and then being like. cool okay pay us and spend weeks TOILING over this pattern we put not a MICROSCOPIC level of effort into??????#it’s so fucking manipulative especially considering the generation so many people looking for cross stitch patterns are in#like they don’t know to look out for this not to mention how!!!!!#rant over for now but god. im fucking seething
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fuckd up my stupidity and shit memory ruin everything but at the exact same time being dumb and forgetting about things is the only way for me to be able to stay existing w everything . im so filled w fear theres no room for barely angthing to fit and it makes me such a bad person

#its all against my will its just. how it is#will my anxiety leave me in an agonizng loop of rumination or will my goldfish brain lose all including mundane (but very important) things#i dont know how to be a person and i never have and maybe because of tjat im not meant to be#i wasnt built to be and its becoming more and more clear#i can exist but ill never be what im supposed to#the parts arent there#genuinely stunted i think#i just wish i could have a place regardless#i want to fit#i want safety#i want to be allwed to care i want the right to be a person even though im not and never will be#but i feel like all i do is prove why i dont deserve that#doesnt make me stop yearning for it but it does crank up the shame to level 3930202#i am so tainted n dirty i dont know how to become deserving of it#anyway . bedtime
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My doctor has assigned me perfect classical ballet posture
#Real life#Medical issues#So my lung issues that I have complained about on here many many times#Turns out#My ribs were in the wrong place and all twisted up and compressing my lungs#Which#I did not know your ribs could fucking move raise your hands if you knew that your ribs could twist themselves around#What the fuck even are human bodys#Who designed us???#Whyyyyy is this an apperantly very common thing after coughing for weeks on end#Why did nobody tell me your ribs could fucking move#So today I spent the afternoon with the docs fingers digging into my ribs and yanking them back in place#(Guess how fucking sore I am now)#(She also put me on different inhaler medication yay)#But anyway she saw me after leaning and all twisted up and tore into me and was like#You trained as a classical ballerina yes? You need to hold that posture forever#For those that dont know ballet posture is the goddamn worst#Like stretch out your neck and back as long as you can go and then lengthen it out some more#Then you fucking relax your shoulder and arms and then you drop your shoulder blades (no lower lowerrrr)#Like its stiff and unnatural and painful and also I like sitting like the gay germlin I am#Ans now im supposed to exist like this 24/7 for the next year???#Might have to start dance classes up again so its worth it#All this complaining being said#I thought I was fucking dying so I'll fucking take it#It is a relatively minor thing all things taken into consideration
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guess whos not going in at all this week, actually
#MY MANAGER EMAILED LIKE 2 HOURS B4 I HAD TO GO IN#she finally changed my schedule (1 day) to the night shift today#(i emailed her to be safe just kinda casually reaffirming im going in at the new time & then asking if any other shifts wanted 2 be changed#bcs that sounds great to me whstever option she goes with#she ignored that question & i get a new email from her asking if i completed a training. lets called it DOC#basically a long time ago she said 'i will send you DOC instructions soon' .. a few days pass and i get three 50 paged packets#one is called NAVIGATING DOC#im like oh ok cool that must be the DOC training shes talking abt bcs the other 2 packets were abt various trainings#NAH BRUH. APPARENTLY THE DAY IM SUPPOSED TO GO IN. SHE MESSAGES ME SOME ENTIRELY ALIEN PROGRAM#and is like 'u completed this right? cus if u didnt u cant come in today.'#LIKE?? MAYBE I WOULDA IF U SENT THE SHIT#but it's also like. dam i shouldve emailed prompting her to send what she said she would n clarifying BUT FUCK#WHY DO I GOTTA?? IM NOT THE MANAGER#she literally told me the name of the program rn thru email so i type it in and see like four hour long modules to complete#mind u i aint never even been informed a WHISPER abt this new program. nothings even labeled DOC TRAINING#but my struggle is. was i notified this?? and i just didnt see??? was i supposed to clarify with her what the DOC training was exactly??#the only thing ive heard abt doc training b4 this is 'i need to send u DOC training soon' in EMAIL. so i expected an alert#abt THE DOC TRAINING... in an EMAIL notification. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS#idk man#i dont even care bro like im busy as hell & the work is just to build clinic hours so i dont care abt the money factor#it's just like. can we get this first day jitters thing over with already?? im so over this bro#yaddayadda i emailed her an apology n ill be on that ASAP shit. but i did let her know i am basically justnnow seeing this site#n if there was any email or notif that couldve/tried to inform me of its existence 2 pls let me know / figure out how to find it#so the issue doesnt occur again & i dont have to keep botherinher which im so srry of bcs med is stress n shes just trying to get by#but still bro im a lil miffed bcs she probably thinks im stupid now and now im wondering if i AM#bcs WDYM ONLINE MODULES. AINT NOBODY SAID SH IT EVEN ABT THE EXISTENCE OF THEM!!! i wouldve pressed harder 4 clarification#if i knew it was an ONLINE MODULE i had to look out for on some randomass site i didnt even know the name of until now#instead of the EMAIL UVE BEEN 'COMMUNICATING' WITH ME ON#ARREGHHHHHHHH IM NOT STUPID. I SWEAR IM NOT STUPID FUCCK MY BAKA LIFE
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google dot com how to not constantly feel annoying and useless no matter what
#im always trying to do things to justify my existence but they dont even help#im always like ''this next drawing will make me worthy of living'' and then i feel like kinda okay for a bit afterwards#but then i just go back to feeling bad again once my mind warps the art enough for me to hate it again#i feel like my only redeeming feature is my art/creative stuff and its not even good enough to make up for all the rest of me#i wanna feel allowed to be alive but no matter how good i try to be it never works#its always still me. still wrong#and i dont know how to get past it. i dont know how im supposed to#awoo
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