#i dont know if that makes sense. but i feel it; so ill say it. simple as.
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kiss the pain away
#vashwood#trigun#trigun stampe#vash the stampede#wolfwood#nicholas d wolfwood#ep 10 was crazy bc vashwood was literally the plot goodbye#i like how the most intimate moment between these two was in the goddamn sewers#i feel like that alone symbolizes so much in their relationship. im half joking BUT ITS JUST LIKE#the SPONTANEITY the PRIVACY they get in such an open Space while being literally chased / hunted after....#and vash is out here showing his scars.............. and ill always lose my mind that they gave this spotlight to wolfwood instead of#meryl and milly like in the previous versions. i dont know how else to read this other than that wolfwood is the romantic interest of stamp#it makes sense even aside from this scene. u know. wolfwood was technically the damsel in distress in ep 5-6 and vash saved/helped him.#and who stayed in the bedroom with vash.................#who rushed to his side when he got shot...... with that worried ass expression....#i dont have anything smart to say at all im just gushing over vashwood thru stampede bc its just so blatant. and its great that its blatant#bc it was blatant in trimax too. like so blatant. the romance was written in every chapter they showed up together#god#ive never witnessed a pairing more canon without being spoken as such its soooooo much theyre so much#ruporas art
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kinda wanna write a fic where the dog is literally the deus ex machina
#sophie speaks#dog backwards is god yknow it makes sense#me and my undertale bullshit back on it again#i have 3 fic ideas for it. one is a meta commentary one is just about a reader with a chronic illness and one is my love for desperate read#-rs returning in full blown massive fashion. and also identity issues but all 3 of these fics have that last one just has that. a lot lot#all include my weird DID metaphors and multiverse shenanigans#because honestly all sans/sans shippers do not understand the weirdness of loving an alternate version of urself#they dont lean into it#i mean im not gonna write sans/sans I'm an x reader till death because i love self love. also sans could not love himself look at that guy#but undertale itself has so many cool themes u can build off of that i just. i wanna grab and squeeze em out like juice#and i mean its not like i can do www at the moment I've written like... 9k this month it ain't going good#might as well just enjoy the depression spiral. i know that doesn't sound very possible but yknow. we rock w it#im just in pain all the time... ill go back to the docs soon and maybe just start taking straight up opiods#but until then i can only do things if i feel there is absolutely 0 pressure on me to do them#once again thanks school system i love these learned behaviors you traumatised into me they're really useful#what was i saying? did i mention im a little scatterbrained atm
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Damn. I'm free
#I know i stated a lot before that im not involved with fandoms anymore but like. it just hit me randomly. Im Free#I still absolutely have interests. This is very obvious. But i have no desire of trying to make stuff for others anymore#(except fir my friends hehah)#When i was in the ttcc & pikmin fandoms that was the WORST. Very anxiety inducing year for me because i kept worrying about other people#and what they thought of me and my art#Also those fandoms were just really annoying lol. Toontown more than annoying i cant say anything about it here iuhhh there was#an insane amount of insane things happening with that community its.still happening actualky LOL. I hear about stuff from my friends#But anyways. I just feel so disconnected from everything in a good way if that makes sense#i already got friends and im finally feeling like this blog is mine yaaay#Who gaf about fandoms#Be free.....#This might be because all i care about is my ocs now (& its late and i have a huge burst of energy right now for some reason)#Yes i am very afraid that the focus on them will end but i really dont know what else there is for me to become attached to anymore#Splatoon is my life babeyyy at least it has been for almost 6 years#ill always come back to splatoon❤️#Touhou and woy are the 2nd and 3rd most thought about interests for me#I dont post about them often as in like. make my own art that much. But i think about them almost as much as splatoon#Grahhh
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I'm watching this girls review/talk about all of the Percy Jackson books, and tbh I've never seen someone with so little media literary. She's turning me into a Jason Grace defender, and I don't even care for Jason that much.
#im just so annoyed watching her videos#tbh idk why im still watching them#maybe a morbid sense of curiosity? idk...#the way she talks about the books and characters makes it clear that she didnt understand them at all 😭😭😭#ESPECIALLY Jason#idk im just annoyed i needed to get this out of my system#i dont wanna talk bad about anyone but i dont understand how she's coming up with half the stuff she says#ill prob stop watching her soon bc i srsly dont know why im putting myself through this#but seriously i never thought id feel as defensive of jason as i do rn#anyway#riordanverse#percy jackon and the olympians#heroes of olympus#jason grace#random#low key rant in the tags#rick riordan
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Do you want somebody to care about you (a frriend)?
LMAO i guess?? i have online friends who i love and who care abt me so that isn't really the problem. i havent had any irl friends in a very very long time and ive never had an irl friend who i could actually trust/confide in. Maybe having irl friends would fix me but i think mt mental illness would not actually be fixed by being around people...... i dont know i think you don't really "recover" from what ive been through mentally but maybe friends would be nice <- Im not making friends. the time and opportunity for making friends irl has gone and past. AND im autistic and give off negative and uncomfortable vibes when people see me irl so its not happening unfortunately
#assuming that this was not sent by somebody who lives in my town and is outside my house right now#but i guess if it was. Hmu??#i like talking to people and making internet friends but right now im operating at like 0.5 mental speed and im awful w/ conversations#and keeping up with people which ANYBODY who has been in contact with me lately would agree with#so i cant in good faith say that talking to me would be a good idea. i dont even really know why someone would ever WANT to#as oppossed to the millions of other people they could talk to and know#its like 3am right now and im very tired so i dont know if this even makes sense#i feel like any amount of making friends or having a social life would just be a banage covering up my real problems#which are unfixable. mental illness doesnt not work like that. you cant extrovert ur way out of it#but at least if i had somebody to watch movies with on weekends that would be SOMETHING. maybe not much but something#anyway.... sleeping now 😴😴💤#ask
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reading posts that come across my dash and sitting for a minute to debate with my mental disorder if not reblogging this will mean a hell portal will open beneath my feet and i will suffer for eternity for my lack of action or if its all good and i can just scroll on by (its usually the hell portal thing)
#⚠️#personal#having ocd makes making moral decisions so fucking hard for no reason#cause ill see a post thats like info or seems important and like i can tell its that kind of post just by skimming it st first and somethin#clicks in my brain that just tells me if i dont share that post everyone will know and think im a horrible person#regardless of what the actual post is about#i need like a handbook on how to make proper moral decisions#cause like yeah i do care about things i try to share stuff about things i care about and believe are important but sometimes i dont have#the energy to read long as posts and my brain twists it to make it out that people will know and i am the bad guy#idk my ocds telling me even saying this makes me a bad person#the fact i even struggle with this#sometimes i think im not built for social media but really i think social medias not built for people like me#maybe i should get help for my ocd but the idea of describing all the shit going on in my brain to someone just makes me feel scared#cause like i dont know when to draw the line at making something a problem i should actively have a hand in helping#how much is too much when do i stop#<- in regards to my own mental health like the mental exhaustion that can come from it i hope this makes sense#like some things you gotta invest like emotional shit into and like sometimes im just tired and i come on here and im faced with one of#those posts and i just have to debate with myself what the fuck im supposed to do#this is more a me issue than anything i need to sort this shit out with some mental health professional or something#cause like i dont want to have people think i dont care about these things i do and ik pressing reblog takes like no energy but idk man#im not even sure if some of the shit i reblog is cause i care or is just an ocd compulsion#i feel like most times its both#i cant help but think im the problem here i want to be on social media its just so draining having my mind repeatedly hound me for not like#showing enough care (reblogging more posts) about a certain issue online#idk im so tired of it all im so tired of my mind i wish i didnt have ocd#vent#so funny right after i posted this i scrolled down and one of these posts was rigjt beneath it and the debate happens all over again#lord i need to get out of here
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logan mentions in the first ep that kendall was "still in the nut house three years ago" so that's why he couldn't do The Job and this makes me so angry. three years is a long time in sobriety. it's actually a huge accomplishment because addiction is so difficult, especially in the executive business. kendall has to look away from stewy doing coke so he wouldn't be tempted. coke in their business is just an appetizer for heavier stuff and kendall tried so much, so hard only for logan to write him off as incapable for having a fucking illness
#i dont even know if this makes sense but i got so angry when i remembered that#people dont take addiction as an illness bc they think is as simple as 'just dont do drugs!'#i seriously saw people say kendall's relapse was stupid. and now i wonder how this person sees addiction and mental illness irl lol#so anyway im glad logan is dead and kendall fucking tried to do everything and anything to make his father see him#and in the end it was useless but he tried and i feel so bad that he relapsed after 3 years#im starting to mourn kendall now rip#succession#kendall roy
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Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍
#girl help i cant get out of bed i feel so so awful for no reason at all#literally my soul is gone or something#i have no desires and no joys and no sense of being blessed#which is crazy bc i love life and im so blessed ! usually.#ig i should do something abt it tomorrow if it doesn't get better#alternatively get back into therapy bc tbh... after that horrible sex thing ive felt kinda off#like even after i was able to eat and sleep and function normally without the tremors and head jerks and whatnot#like its not dramatic anymore but i kinda feel drained of life and joy#moments of genuine happiness and fulfillment are ... ? idk. i did feel happy once this week and that was nice but it didnt last obviously#but like ! im not depressed in a depressed way. i take good care of myself and i read my books and eat food and hang out with friends#i just kinda dont recognise myself ig. i mean i know ill get my spark back but maybe i need some professional help#idk !! it kinda feels very silly tho#like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me !#so going back for this little ridiculous freakout feels like a setback#kinda like im making up things to be wrong with me just so that ill have someone to talk to ? or to have attention idk#it doesn't make sense bc i really was proud for getting bettter and i rly dont want to be in therapy anymore#but who knows 🤷♀️#there is also this slight risk. just clinically speaking by purely looking at symptoms of certain things. with no stake in the matter! lol#that there might be something bad and [lets not think too hard about it] that lies as a root cause of my little mental breakdown#like according to my sex having friends losing your virginity is awful but not THAT awful and not in THAT way#and my friend kinda said i scared her with how i was acting when i talked to her abt it. like my demeanour and body language and whatever#and i do trust her to know whats normal versus concerning when i dont have my own stable grip of reality#plus. if i was an outside party and applied my psych education on myself. i would say its not looking super good#but i cant really do that bc im not some random patient. im me myself and I 😩✋️ thank you#but whatever. itll be fine. tomorrow will be a better day ! yay !
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oooh there about to be some mfing ND on ND crime at work if this fucker keeps trying me
#high anxiety noise sensitivity high sense of justice ND#meets vocal stims and 'doesnt do his job because he knows he can get away with it and push shit onto other ppl' ND#like he NEEDS a job coach and he needs help but there's like. INTENT in this shit he does. like he KNOWS and i feel like#all the NT's at work just ignore it and let him do it because they dont fucking realize it IS something he can help and change#he has focus issues and memory issues. all valid but not at all related how he actively ignores direction or gets sassy and how ill watch#him fuck shit up after having looked around to make sure no one sees him. shit he's been told SOOOO many times how to do/etc. AND HE KNOWS#i have told this bastard sO MANY TIMES to not abandon me in the evening to cover his TEN+ MINUTE BATHROOOOM BREAAAAAAAAKS!!!!!!!!#and he just walked out before i could even say No. I won't be Covering Your Position. Get a Manager.#and i was late getting home#wishing ill intent on him!!!! im tired of everyone having to fix his shit or deal with his gross behavior or get extra work#just because management doesnt know how to deal with a bad employee who HAPPENS to be ND and because corp wont get him a job coach#it's not FAAAAAAIR AND IM OVER IT!!!!#cw negativity#anyway the plus side of coming home pISSED is im awake and ready to write#and like MULTIPLE PEOPLE HAVE QUIT /because/ of this dude like idk if there's legal shit involved or like fucking what but like i have#no idea why he still has a job. he's been there longer than me btw. i think at some point he said like fucking 5 years#PERISH!!!!
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Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....
#my art#gore#organs#its 2am so not a lot of this is going to be very coherent but this song makes me feel a lot of things about it all#like. its the Expectations#the expectation that im going to date men and the expectation that im going to date at all have always felt equally stifling#theres that feeling of not trying hard enough or not realizing it at first or trying to lean into what you're told you should feel#and having it not pay off time and time again and wishing you could just make it work#because everyone else around you has it just fine and you dont get why you're struggling with it so much#THERE ARE MORE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE TWO IS WHAT IM SAYING#like obviously figuring out aromanticism is especially weird because its a lack of something BUT THEYRE PRETTY SIMILAR#realizing I dont want to date anyone mirrors realizing I didn't like boys but like. idk man its worse sometimes?#I wouldn't trade it for the world it means a lot to me but its almost like people go out of their way not to understand it sometimes#at the end of the day I am the you in that song#it was a very very long road to being okay with never falling in love because that was something I wanted for a very very long time#at the end of the day I will never have to be someones wife and I think its better that way#but its also hard not to get jealous sometimes#like I know its irrational I know I get physically ill at just the thought of being asked out but like#sometimes ill see my friends with their girlfriends and ill feel like clawing my own chest out with want#but also if anyone asks me out I will have to dig myself into a pit and never come out. I think.#I want to be with women but I dont want to Be With Women if that makes sense#its another layer of difficulty that I dont think I'll ever be able to get past#I feel like at this point I should just be trying to conditioning myself out of any form of desire because its just not an option for me#which definitely isn't true and like chappell roan says. you'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling.#but its also so tiring to have to sit here with the feeling and feel bad for having the feeling.#I dont know#I think if I felt a little more or a little less I’d be fine but I’m stuck in the middle#it feels very weird talking about this openly but also its very difficult to talk about with friends because most of them dont get it#anyways something something Josies monologue from bottoms#im going to bed
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Ngl I've been having a gender crisis again on top of all the stuff that's happened with my dad, I think I still identify as male/masculine idk 🗿
Same with my ace/aro spectrum placement ☝️🗿
#comet rambles#putting in queue to deploy later#parent loss tw#just in case by association n implications ☝️🗿/nm+gen#when i get stuff set up with my checking account i was already thinking of getting a new chest binder once our personal issues with finance#has been figured out definitely#i dont wanna say much n jinx stuff so ill leave it at that#personal#gender shit is hard n i really think i may be a he/they or he/him still#or if not then closeted butch lesbian idk#most signs point to male gender identity leaning though 😔👍#also my social battery is outta wack but i needed to get this out so i apologize to anyone who i have yet to respond to/gen+nm 🥹#like i genuinely still feel as though ive been born in the wrong body and i tried to accept my feminity and it went well!!#like i started embracing my femininity the past few years and now i think im over it because it feels like i just attempted to try#and be something i wasn't if that makes any sense#i hate being referred to as she/her or as a girl even if i understand some people will still see me as fem despite my personal identity etc#its not that i hate my femininity its just i feel anything but female while still enjoying traditionally fem stuff at times#hope this makes sense#🗿👍#still ace/aro though just cant figure out if i only enjoy the thought of romance (cupiosexual/romantic) or if i feel comfy in one#i know im sex repulsed though thats for certain#as of lately chris Redfield and Albert Wesker have become two of my transition goals and idk what to do about this lmfao#i wish i was kidding#but im not 😭#sitting here like EVA shinji with his head in his hands in the damn chair image/lh#also wanna be a rootin tootin goth cowboy 🥰#if it turns out im like a comphet butch/nb lesbian im gonna shit myself though/lh+nm
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Started thinking about the Amanda Waller + Ben Turner relationship again.... fuck, I'm gonna need a minute
#I JUST- SHDIAUDJSHDSHEYEYRYRYRY guys. guys#i know none of you see my vision and thats okay. i will make you see my vision. i will force you to see my vision. i will-#like jesus fucking christ oh my god. its so interesting and gives me so many emotions and just!!!#i know im not making sense bc none of my moots are sui sq fans and also like half of the content fucking me up specifically here is in my#head because i cant stop thinking about my absolute power fix it au but like!!!!!!!#also the fact i have a fix it for a comic that isnt out yet is so funny to me. its literally fucking real though. god knows we need it#may my own content carry me through the dark times (extreme villain waller arc)#anyways this fucks me up so bad you dont even know. someday ill actually explain it#dc hire me to write a suicide squad ongoing PLEASE. i could do it so good it would be so fucking good dc PLEASE 😭😭😭😭😭😭#also like this isnt me shipping them btw. like 110% not that. just to clarify.#i wouldnt even call it a friendship bc like. theyre not friends really. he has the most equal dynamic with her i would say but it still isnt#equal. shes v much his boss even though they have an understanding and respect there#like she believes and trusts in him much more than anybody really even himself. like she sees the good man and the leader even when he#doesnt. but she isnt nice about it. and there is a lot of conflict between them when there needs to be#like as much as ben is “wallers man”--the team leader she wanted from the beginning before rick flagg pushed his way in#ben i would say is still a very moral person even when lost and unsure of himself and his goodness (which is like one of his main things)#like i feel like while amanda can lean very into a “the ends justify the means” mindset in her worse moments and do bad things to get#herself out of a corner ben has like a deep and meaningful understanding of how the choices of your methods and how you act can weigh on you#like even though he was brainwashed and whatnot (thats still the story right? i cant remember) he holds a lot of guilt and baggage over his#actions and i think is able to temper amanda's worse tendencies in terms of that by calling her out when he recognizes that behavior#idk. i just really think that amanda waller and the suicide squad as a whole has lost its way without a more moral authority presence there.#like someone who can call her out and keep them more on track. which i really thing ben is and could be#i just very much am interested in their dynamic and how that would look like as equals and how i think they could help each other.#which ofc is what my wip is about and revolves around#blah#sui sq
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Im cursing [REDACTED] right NOW
#god i better never have contact with this guy again or i might flip out on him#im about to ramble about my past “dating" adventures (we were casual but sheesh cant even be friends with this guy tbh)#im realizing months later how much this guy i used to talk to sucked#like DUDE be a better or stay single FOREVER (ΘдΘ)#and by that i mean learn how to better handle approaching others feelings!#god the way he would just shutdown others ppls feelings and it was just an endless loop of “that doesnt make sense” or “thats dumb”#sure emotions can be irrational but if someone is desperately TRYING to explain why they feel a way (even if theyre struggling to be clear)#maybe dont be so dismissive#like literally one time i was annoyed cause talking to him was grating on my nerves#and i was like ik it doesnt make sense so let me step away cause im annoyed#and hes like trying to logic me out of my annoyance???#like worstie im literally walking away so i can cool off#leave it be!#god looking back on all this....#i hope to god whoever hes talking to (if hes talking to anyone) isnt dealing with similar things#ppl can change so ill just hope for that#or maybe he'll meet his match#someone who reflects the same energy he has!#tho im not sure if hed like that haha#the guy seemed to have a lot of relationship problems in general (romantic and platonic) and i wanted to have the benefit of the doubt#but now im thinking maybe his personality was also just clashing with everyone elses#which isnt necessarily a bad thing on its own#gotta get context for everything u know#but in this case....naur#like im a pretty anxious person so how ppl i care about will react to what im doing or saying is constantly at the back of my mind!#so ppl who just come off as flippant about my fee fees annoy me fr#im like “ahh what if i upset so and so” constantly#trying to make sure not to make things harder for them#and they cant even spare me a single thought before doing something and dismiss me when i get upset#but also they wanna come to me when theyre feeling sad about something???
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weird that the shape of love is two beating hearts glued together and not two hands holding each other
#well technically it comes from the shape of two hearts sewn together but i dont know how that translates to romance.. literally its kinda#disturbing but symbolically i guess it is kind of sweet#my friend and i were talking and she said something about someone saying a lover cant just be a friend you can kiss but i think i disagree#i kind of think the point of a lover IS a friend you can kiss because like it must get exhausting having to convince yourself you can only#feel romantic things towards your lover right? i mean i dont know if my feelings are shaped like anyone else's so maybe its more of a case#by case basis. for me id like someone whose hand i can hold and i can make pancakes for them and maybe kiss but like not strictly romantic#and not strictly platonic. and my feelings are all over the place because one day ill be really into someone i like and another day ill be#really chill about it. so its hard to say what i feel for someone if its always changing#maybe thats why i think lovers should be friends you can kiss because its coming from my way of feeling? hmmm#like i want to be able to say i love you and mean it romantically one day and then say love you in a platonic way the next day and itd be#ok?? does that make sense??? like i know its the same phrase but its like the feeling i put with it is different each time. idk#its why i find dating someone hard because its constantly going up and down and its never balanced. itd probably really confusing unless i#were to date someone whose feelings works the same way. just some food for thought i guess but then again every relationship needs work#im not sure if that fits into the category of work though.. i cant tell myself what im going to feel#it just happens and theres not much i can really do about it except tell that person what im feeling. hnnnnnhhgh#maybe its better if i just stick to watching fictional couples work it out lmao#yapping#txt
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I MISSED BUG. BEING CORRECT ABOUT WHEATLEY..???? WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL.
#HES NOT SHY!!!!! AWKWARDNESS DOES NOT EQUAL SHYNESS!!!!!!!!#BITCH NEVER SHUTS UP HE JUST DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO CARRY HIMSELF IN CONVERSATIONS AND JUST OVER EXPLAINS SHIT#I AM SO SICK OF SHY LITTLE GUY WHEATLEY HES A MILDLY NERVOUS SHITHEAD WHO GETS CAUGHT ON THESE STUPID ASS LITTLE DETAILS#AND WILL NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT THEM UNTIL HES DOES TALKING OR SOMEONE TELLS HIM TO SHUT UP!#can i Also just say i Hate like. stupidly Tall skin And bones blonde White guy Wheatley#just For a moment.#its A shit design i dont. Why does it. ugh#also Proud wheatley isnt The intelligence dampening Sphere fan#ok. ok ill Be normal now.#but Yeah not only has he Shown the capacity to Come up with Actually decent ideas but Also glados is The smartest thing in Aperture.#and she is So disconnected from the Attributes that can make Someone human (empathy Curiosity Morality etc etc) because Of not only the#events of Portal 1 but Also because of The chassis chamber (glados vs PotatOS. shes Still snarky but is Actually more willing to Be#reasonable blah Blah blah) that when Faced with an Entity that DOES have those Traits#she immediately Deems them as less Intelligent regardless of How smart they Actually are#now this is NOT to Say she cannot feel those emotions#but After losing the Cores attached to Her shes become very Disconnected from Those emotions and Appears uncaring And cold because of it#she Appears more like A machine than A person#and Theres a lot of Character quirks in Wheatley that make him Much more human-like Than machine (even in Chassis!!)#i Could also go On a rant about Why chassiswheatley Becoming suddenly Evil actually Makes sense according to A scientific study but#i Dont think you guys wanna hear That#nor Do you wanna hear my Machiavellian Bach analysis and How its so thematically Correct with the Story while still being true To wheatley#SORRY ILL BE.SANE NOW.
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Reading a court of thorns and roses bc it's been rec'd to me many times (by the same two friends mostly) and also I've never really read a smut novel before and Jesus christ this protagonist is insufferable
#first of all its like the author tried to recreate katniss everdeen without any fundamental understanding of her character#like the reason the whole 'i hunt and provide for my family because no one else will' thing works for katniss is that her mother is ill#and her sister is like 8 years old#so like yeah obviously she'd be the one to provide#but feyre is like 'i have to do everything around here because my two OLDER sisters simply dont feel like doing chores'#like what????#i get that her dying mother for some reason put the responsibilities on her but it makes 0 sense#like whoever wrote this was clearly a youngest sibling with a martyr complex because its just. so heavy handed#also her insistence that nesta is simply too shallow and vapid to do what she does makes me roll my eyes every other page#honestly justice for nesta#1) if my sister started doing all of the hunting and providing without ever communicating why i would probably assume she wanted to do it#2) if after our mothers death she started completely resenting everything i do and glaring at me constantly id think she blames me for it#3) being around that kind of smug negative energy would absolutely make me start to be a little mean too even just as a defense mechanism#4) shes constantly assuming the worst in nesta and is proven at least twice to be an unreliable narrator in regards to nestas priorities#also that comment feyre made about how smug she felt after leaving knowing that her family would 'starve without her' god what an asshole#like you cant present yourself as so much morally better than your sisters and then turn around and say shit like that#anyway im hoping she becomes less insufferable as the story goes on#im told the first book is the worst in the series so i just gotta power through for the sake of world building#j reads acotar series#<<<feel free to blacklist if u dont want spoilers and/or critiques of this series bc i plan to vent on here a lot abt it
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