#i dont want to transition enough to get past the fear of change

[skunkes]

^_^

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for pretending to be cis online? im a trans man and have been trans for almost ten years now. i am pre-most transition even though i would like to fully transition, due to money and medical phobia complications. i do not pass irl.

a few years ago i attempted stealth (saying i was a cis man) on a discord server before ultimately admitting to being trans because i was afraid everyone could tell, and was informed that even though they even heard my voice on the server, no one there suspected i was afab, and even when i said i was trans, some people assumed i was coming out as transfem, because i had passed myself as a cis man so well. this gave me euphoria, of course, and made me regret telling anyone since i was apparently passing so well.

i held onto those feelings, and a year or so after that, quietly changed my bios and stuff to remove the trans part. a little while after that, i started actively saying i was cis male in my bios and to new friends.

i should clarify this is not out of safety or fear of transphobia, all my family and irl friends know im trans and are 100% supportive, im lucky enough to live in a very progressive area, and my online existence is small and filled with tons of trans and supportive people. it's only because i feel dysphoric when i know people can perceive me as afab, and since i don't have control over that irl, i just want someone in the world to see me as amab, even if im not and never will be.

i also am not by any means a transmed. i myself am also gnc, and many many of my friends are loud and proud queer weirdos, and i am too with everything but my agab. i love the wacky ways other trans folks present their genders and refuse to sanitize themselves for cisciety. i do not think anyone should ever have to water down who they are for any reason and i don't think being afab makes anyone less of a man, just i personally don't like facing the fact that i am afab and would rather people see me as a cis man whenever i can control it.

this might be where the asshole comes in here, because being gnc, being surrounded by so many trans people and being in many "afab dominated" spaces (such as fanfic writers, tumblr, fandom in general honestly) as well as having a lot of trans headcanons makes me paranoid people are going to clock me and even if they don't say anything they'll know im faking being cis. because of that, and to avoid the dreaded "egg" conversations (people trying to insist or imply that ill soon "find out" that im transfem) ive sometimes been telling people when the subject comes up that i had experimented with my gender before and thought i was transfem or nonbinary in the past, so i sort of fit the idea of cis+ and that might be why i feel more trans than cis even though im definitely cis.

i also tell them im intersex and have trans family (both of these are true, though obviously im intersex in a different way than i say) to get them off my scent.

i know i dont owe anyone my agab, but when all is said and done, i am lying about my gender and history with gender exploration, and i kinda feel like im disrespecting other trans folks by implying it would personally feel better to be cis, like i can't relate to other trans people saying they never want to be cis and the goal of being trans isn't to be cis. but i do. i also worry that having trans hcs (including in sexual contexts) for characters while im presenting myself as cis makes people think im a chaser.

anyway sorry this is long, but aita for lying about my gender?

What are these acronyms?

[chubote]

Sorry if this is a weird question, feel free not answer if you dont like to. How'd you decide to start gaining? I've been debating doing it for years but I always am so insecure and scared about if it's even worth it or not and it annoys me so much lol.

It was a process, and definitely took time for me to accept. I had a long history of having a bad relationship with my weight, disordered eating, and self image, so I was on the fence about actually giving in and gaining for a long time.

I already knew I liked putting on mass and size, I was a pretty big gym rat at the time and enjoyed putting on muscle and growing my body in that way. But I also knew it wasn't "enough" for me - it wasn't a good enough replacement for my desires to give in to my gluttonous urges and get massively fat. Ultimately I just decided to take gaining very slow at first and see how I liked it.

While I definitely understand being anxious about it, it's not something to be scared of. Contrary to most gainer fiction, you're not going to magically become 50lbs heavier in a week, haha. For better or worse, gaining weight takes time and effort - but the silver lining is that it gives you plenty of time to suss out how you feel about it, how your body's handling it, and whether or not you want to continue gaining. And of course you're always allowed to change your mind, to decide that it's not for you or if you just get to a point where you only want to maintain. It's about what works for you, what you're comfortable with, and what makes you happy.

For me, I just kinda fell in love with it. Fetish aside, it felt incredibly freeing and fulfilling to give in to something I had fantasized about for so long. Not only that, I personally found it even eased a lot of my dysphoria - in a lot of ways my gaining journey has gone hand in hand with my transition over the past eight years, but that's a ramble for another time. I'll just say, for me, embracing my identity as a gainer felt almost as freeing as accepting my gender. And of course, on the sexual side of things...Goddamn, it's hot as hell. Haha.

Of course before I started I was worried about possible effects, both physically as well as socially. But after surviving coming out as trans as a teenager (in the south no less, heh) and getting used to shrugging off the judgement that came (and comes) with that, it put my fear of social rejection/judgement/etc in perspective when it came to getting fatter. Health-wise, I was already getting my blood levels checked every six months for hrt + other unrelated issues, so I knew it would be easier to monitor any possible health effects over time. Ultimately, both those factors combined made making the decision to try gaining a lot easier for me. And while I do have physical struggles now at my size, they're all things I've been able to adapt to and deal with for the most part.

As for whether it's been worth it? For me, absolutely yes. I fucking love being a gainer and even though I've gotten pretty damn fat, I still look forward to getting even fatter. At the end of the day, that's a decision only you can make for yourself, though. I wish you the best of luck in figuring out whatever works best for you :)

[cryptidcircuslife]

Hey, those who follow this blog. i have News.

guess who gets to use their running away tips? yup, me.

i wasn't expecting to this quickly. i thought i was going to bs my way through it because my circumstamces werent forcing me to as much anymore. i guess that changed

i'll tell you about my pre-running away process

I have roughly two weeks to leave. It will be in secret from my familys house. i have a seasonal part time job im being kept away from. I dont have enough money to get an apartment and i dont even have any job or housing prospects lined up. I have this short amount of time to get something worked out. I found two shelters i can stay at as transitional housing if necessary. i will not have a car. i have a ride lined up, however.

i didnt want to ask anyone for help at all, actually. i hate hate hate bothering people. if i were a minor, being reported is a valid fear. if i wasnt dead certain that i could trust these people, i wouldnt have asked. it is very good to keep your plans secret- and the less people that know, the better. i have to leave so soon (and carless/planless) because i accidentally mentioned part of my plans to the wrong person. so

1. be very careful who you ask for help, but trusted people can make your plans work so much faster and safer. i only trust people who: have been through similar situations or know about my past and hate my family - have no way of contacting my family - and ideally live in my destination city

Next. packing. i can bring a backpack, two duffel bags, and my scooter.

thankfully due to my room all my stuff is packed in a cupboard. so its not suspicious for it to all be bundled up inside. im leaving anything i wont need daily. only a few personal items. the urgency put a lot into perspective. i will buy food when i get to the city. i wont carry it.

2: bringing

7 days of clothes since i have space. only the accessories i will be wearing when i leave. light winter gear. a towel

hygeine- moisturizer, shampoo, comb, deodorant, toothbrush, essential oils to get rid of musty smell on my clothes, period stuff

half of my survival gear- self defense stuff, tools, paracord, tiny first aid kit, sewing kit, stuff to sell for money later.

water bottle, personal documents, wallet, phone, keys, a few small electronics, sketchbook, a jar of peanut butter, and all my pills

i have to so so nonchalantly do my laundry and stuff and just wait and prepare. its excellent acting practice. thankfully everyone is at work most days

i was not anticipating the adrenaline. its very neutral. it only became slight dread on the second day. it's bittersweet- a "damn this is actually happening, huh?" it gave me the motivation to complete a Lot of things. but i'm not done yet

3: things i have to wait for in the two weeks i have left:

my most important docs are locked away. i have to get to them.

i have to do my laundry. but i am only going to wear the clothes i'm leaving behind in the meantime so packing is fast.

i might have to make a doctors appointment. they wont be happy about that

i am going to try saving up some more cash with art commissions and such.

i have to keep searching for a job and apartment for later. find homeless resources.

once i leave its going to be interesting getting the amenities i need. depending on where i live it'll probably just be food and my medicine. i have a lot of eating restrictions so itll be hard

[meanandscary]

8 more days until my husband graduates from bootcamp.

I cannot believe I survived almost 8 weeks without him. Was I alone in it? No. But I need to honestly stop knocking myself of the credit I deserve.

Still remember the card ride we were on when he was complaining about how dead end his job was and how better off we’d be financially if he had joined the Navy.

We were brand new parents. Hit with a fucking pandemic, living in a shit hole and feeling like shit holes. Our daughter was five months old. I had no job and we didn’t know what the next couple months were going to look like. Let alone the next couple YEARS. It was scary, dark and sometimes felt hopeless.

I remember being at home all day with the baby while he worked. Breastfeeding, watching TV, entertaining the baby and waiting for him to come back. Not knowing when things were going to change or how.

“Then why don’t you just do it?” I said. And from that moment we had a plan. I can’t believe everything started from a simple conversation and now we are at the end of the hardest part. Not only that, but we have ANOTHER child on the way.

I seldom take the time to give myself slack or credit or really admire the life I have. The things I do. I’m always concerned with not doing ENOUGH.

My husband left in May and since then I’ve successfully weaned our impossible daughter off breastfeeding. Gotten her on a schedule. Managed to feed, change and entertain her for weeks. I’m growing a human. I’ve moved out of our apartment. Dealt with the emotional turmoil that is pregnancy and being totally cut off from your spouse. I’ve done a lot and honestly I didn’t let it destroy me.

I’ve had some really great times through all of this. Like my daughters first birthday and birthday party. Watching her grow, become more interactive, silly, independent. Going to a carnival for the first time in forever. Going to the lake. Dying my hair. Going to the museum. My anatomy scan of the baby. The tiring walks we take in the mornings before nap time. The desperate nap time car rides. Going to the YMCA for swim time. I’ve done my best to enjoy all the little things. Despite it all. Even the joy of getting a letter from my husband can make my day.

But here we are almost at the fucking end! I’ll finally have a little bit of sanity back. And hopefully some more information about the future.

I’ve really had to push myself so much these past few weeks. In a way I think it was totally healthy for me to have this time alone. SO much has happened the past two years it’s insane. I never got to digest any of it. The thing about having kids is, I don’t think you ever do. Everything is go go go until those really big moments happen where it all kind of hits you. Like when the Princess at her birthday party was “crowning” her an official princess and the fact that I’ve been holding this little girl for over a year hit me. I could remember her very first cry and how it made my heart flutter. That’s when it hits you.

Or when she’s sleeping and I get to just look at her peacefully and remember the sleepless nights on my end when we just brought her home. Nobody lies when they tell you enjoy every moment because it goes so fast. It does! It’s time consuming. It’s hard work. It’s never quiet. I guess on the rare occasion that it is, you can truly soak it in.

Being away from my husband forced me to take risks, do things I didn’t think about doing before, being more organized, on top of things. In control. I mean I think we spent the first 9 months of her life not having a clue how to do anything. She was the boss. There was no order at all and we were both a wreck on the inside and out.

I used to not go to the store alone with my daughter because I was afraid of this, that and the other. I also never took the car seat out by myself or knew how to install it. Didn’t like driving with her alone in the backseat. Was afraid to feed her real food instead of baby food I knew was impossible to choke on. All these fears I overcame! I stopped dreading mornings as much and instead prepping for them mentally.

Also I started to slowly but surely get rid of people from my high school off of social media which I know sounds silly but it gives me anxiety. However when I actually do it I feel so much better and don’t regret it at all. I’m rapidly approaching my mid 20’s and it really is time to let go of the past. I’ve had such a hard time closing chapters and realizing I’m in a new one. Social media makes it THAT much harder but I think it’s even harder to break from it as a whole. It’s just unrealistic since my generation was raised on it. It’s so ingrained in me. It’s much easier to just create a safer space for yourself than force yourself off of something that provides creative expression.

I genuinely enjoy MY OWN content I just get annoyed by others. I’m still healing and processing past events and relationships. But those things were real and deep so I need to be forgiving with myself about it. But I definitely have gotten to points in the past where it’s like all I would think about. Now I’m not allowing myself to have SO MUCH dwell time. I need to live and be present. But also gentle with myself as I dont have THEE most stamina out there. Like seriously. Catch me with dizzy spells all the time.

Another big thing I accomplished was changing my name (again) legally which was A PROCESS! I’m never changing my name again. Seriously it is not worth it. Props to my 21 year old self for doing the most and going knee deep with transition but JFC was it a mess to get out of.

This is such a long post but it’s been a long summer so far.

Anyways. When it comes to genders I’ve time and time again come back to the same conclusion that I’m just fluid. A few months ago I was very turned off my anything feminine and felt more masculine again but when I get into THAT mindset I’m very one track mind. Blinders on.

The reality is I’m capable of feeling feminine and being happy in it. Like currently I’m VERY femme vibes and I’m comfortable with it. I’ve found a happy medium. Will I ever grow my hair rapunzel long again and flaunt around like I’m a cottage core princess? No. That’s just not me. Ironically enough I love that aesthetic I just know it isn’t ME. I’m way more rough around the edges. And that’s okay. I’m learning to stop trying and to just BE.

I’m excited to see how my marriage will feel after coming back together. We weren’t in a super strong place a few months ago. I always knew we have a solid foundation but there’s always so much to work on. Most of it comes from the inside of either of us. There was so much lack of being people. I think most new parents go through that but nobody wants to talk about that.

The first year of parenting is supposed to be some magical quirky shit show that everyone has a good wholesome laugh about. When in reality it’s just a flaming messy shit HOLE that you laugh about otherwise you will cry about it. But you end up crying regardless.

Anyways. The bottom line is. I’m ready to fucking move on. Move OUT. And go forward. This is just a little mile marker for me to say “you did it! you got through those dreaded 8 weeks!”

[thethirdwheel404]

Med Rewatch Series (#3)

Let’s see what we have on the slate. this should be the premiere of s3: Speak Your Truth. I am watching this during school, so let’s see how bad my focus is.

-the episode description is “The shooting of Dr. Charles moves to the courtroom and things turn complicated for the doctors and nurses of Chicago Med.” so still on brand for being all sorts of vague.

-all that really says is more sarah angst so big sad

-let’s get started

-god back to classic med, starting things off fast, just how i like it

-how tf kellogg live through the headshot. guy can’t do anything right

-connor running towards charles on the guerney screaming “what the hell happened!?” and sharon just being “he got shot.” is so fucking hilarous to me i have no clue why

-oh god i remember how much it bothered me that connor changed his hair from the end of s2 to the start of s3 lol (bc it’s supposed to be the same night, but yk, nitpicking)

-the time jump is such an interesting choice. i remember it was jarring at first. i’m sure i’ll have more to say as the episode goes on

-aw hey guys look its sarah! adorable

-also stoll

-oh god, nat taking a sabbatical was weird

-WHEN SHE LOOKS AT WILL SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE IS IN PAIN IM SCREAMING

-counting

-oh boy watching s3 means i get to watch noah get thrown through a glass door and also be a disappointment

-the way connor is effortlessly charming here in the beginning is maybe the only reason i tolerate his character (also more of sarah being adorable)

-horney boi. stop it.

-noah following after sarah like a lovesick puppy is funny

-sarah saying ‘he’s the reason i went into psych...’ honey, psych is not good for your mental health please stop giving him credit

-HOLD THE FUCK ON?????

-its the s3 premiere and Sarah talks about her dad and her strained relationship, specifically because noah compares charles getting shot to her dad getting shot. but like, foreshadowing... maybe i should give the med writers a smidge more of credit than I have been in terms of planning things...

-sarah: “don’t compare my dad to dr. charles.”

-long sigh. god... sarah being so supportive. and charles just being ‘No???’

-not to be weird but court room scenes always get me feeling some sorta way

-haha its peter stone! remember him? remember chicago justice?

-THE BETRAYAL ON SARAH’S FACE - she cares so much about him and he’s about to get his own shooter acquitted.

-god sarah is just fucking fantastic. she feels so passionately about caring about people

-god charles fucking hates himself so much? he should Not be ava’s mentor

-charles: “I think the shooting is affecting your objectivity.” sarah: “mY oBjECtiViTy?!”

-also they said ‘the fact he was concealing a weapon shows like fear malicious content’ or what ever. and uh,, sarah? please. please, for my sanity. (bc of what happens later in the season)

-charles- you know how you can help me? fuck off.

-lol this kid is the one who had like a tooth ache, and now his brain is rotting or something. probably will happen to me (@ my parents please let me see the dentist)

-this is where doris is like ethan is playing favorites

-the like background noises of the ed calm me down. they prob really shouldn’t

-they’re gonna fuckkkkk

-something to be said about sarah being gung ho about kellogg being off the streets and a danger to society when... her dad...

- I really like when med does the thing when one character is just standing in the ed and they transition to the next story by having the next character run past

-what is with all of the nurses drama like honestly

-hey guys look its ava! (let see if i have enough brain cells to find anything)

-heyyyy look at that. ava trying usurp some of connor’s cases. while, yeah she is being a tad undermining, connor’s gf was literally just discharged from a psych hold. this is just an interaction to keep in mind for future events.

-ava’s playing full cunning while connor’s busy fucking his girlfriend

-dont hate the player man

-because they’re both under latham, they’re more rivals than hero/villain, bc they have a common guy who is their advisor. but yeah. dont hate the player

-robin calling ava ‘cruella’ is making want to throw hands ngl. god dude chill - bc it means either robin just saw ava interacting with people and thought ‘what a bitch’ or connor was complaining about ava and either way I hate it.

-connor broke up with robin bc she was too horneyyy (ik he didn’t break up w her but yk)

-connor - reese interaction was nice. until he started blaming her bruh wtf chilll

-her arguing with connor is like. peak. (ava + sarah teaming up to bully connor and not take any of his shit?? i think yes)

-this ethan april thing is stupid. i’m just gonna say it.

-ava: “that would have been a really great idea if you were trying to kill him.” SHE TAKES NO. SURVIVORS. i love her so much

-YEAH RHODES GET FUCKED! i think one of the reasons ava was disliked at first was bc latham kind of favored her and... literally everyone else favored connor? so get fucked? but here, ava can obviously hold her own and connor is just whining. I’m glad they put them on equal ground bc connor and ava’s direct superior is on ava’s side, and literally everyone else is with connor. AND CONNORS STILL PLAYED AS AN UNDERDOG BC AVA TOOK HIS SURGERY! HOW. infuriating

-anyway, for the purposes of the theory ava is capable enough to hold her own as a stand alone, and clever enough to be entertaining

-holy shit no i think i just remembered how this storyline goes. connor gets a better surgery, right? he gets glory and stuff. this is too fucking rich, come on. let one thing go wrong for him.

-i miss ava

-GOD SARAH LOOKS GOOD IN HER FUCKING BLAZER. unfair. unmatched

-stop it sarah you have anxiety.

-SARAH NO. BABY IS SCARED.

-okay. Ava is half bickering, half flirting with him, a little annoying but we put up with it bc we love her and its not her fault she’s supposed to be his love interest. but still, it’s playful, it’s not neccesarily flirting. conceivably, she could be talking to anybody. But then, she tells him to relax, to take a day off. SHE’S STILL A GOOD PERSON. SHE’S NOT TRYING TO EXPLICITLY SPITE CONNOR, OR ANYONE. that’s what people tend to forget. she’s not malicious.

-connor thinks she is tho. maybe that’s why some people hated her, bc connor hated her

-charles: “kellogg is not a criminal” BRUH HE SHOT YOU

-HOLY SHIT. SHARON RN IS LIKE YOU WANT KELLOGG TO BE FREE BC YOU DIDN’T CATCH THE SIGNS OF A KILLER AND ITS ABOUT YOUR EGO

-AND??? SARAH’S DAD ANYONE? that was why he was so persistent of sarah’s dad. he wanted to catch the signs.

-OKAY HERE. When latham is like, wait, did ava manipulate me? is she actually sus? he was the one person on her side and then boom he sides with connor. literally do you have any idea how great ava would be without connor?

-this manstead thing is soooo exhausting

Okay so what have we learned?

Ava is getting Connor’s cases. kind of rude but also, they’re surgeons? It’s super competitive. AND CONNOR LITERALLY WON THAT ROUND BC LATHAM SWITCHED SIDES???

AND SHE STILL TOLD CONNOR TO GET SLEEP. LIKE SHE WAS BEING NICE WHILE ALSO BEING SNARKY

ava had less lines in the ep than in s2 and honestly. wtf.

not much content, but if you look at her content, come on she’s still amazing.

thanks for sticking through

read the rest here:

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Extra

[fairycosmos]

LMFAOOO NOT TO B ANNOYING HERE BUT UHHHH i turn 17 next month n am not excited (~: bc i am too scared to turn 18 n be an adult n have responsibilities bc nothing in my life has been stable enough. i feel like i have to worry n prepare myself now bc if i don’t it’ll hit me like a fucking bus. but yeah!! i’m straight up not looking forward to it!! feel like i have no chance!! cannot make it in this life!! so i must kill myself before the day comes!! proud of all of u for making it this far

HEY you’re not annoying ! but also HEY, try to slow down and take a moment. or several moments. you’re very young, and i’m saying that in a good way. growing up is such a paradox because we never realize how much time we have until its ran out. treating everything as a transitional phase, as a means to an end, is an exhausting habit. you haven’t lived the solutions to your worries yet. i think it’s important to try to hold onto the present moment because it’s the only thing that actually exists. and you’ll never be who you are currently, ever again. the past is over, and the future is impossible to predict and CONSTANTLY changing. the only thing that’s in your control is this moment. right now, you don’t need to be anything other than what you are. every second of uncertainty is necessary, everything is working out this way to get you to where you need to be - which is a lifelong journey in and of itself, it’s supposed to be a long and confusing process. i know it probably feels like everythings moving so fast, and the world likes to lie to us, likes to say we have to have everything figured out by eighteen, cause they want to make money off of us. if we put all of our mental stability into how well we’re doing career wise/academically, then we’ll push ourselves to the limits working for them. just to prove ourselves, right? it’s all an illusion and a way to keep us down. the older you get the more you realize that nobody has a clue about anything, really. i mean ANYTHING. and you dont have to expect yourself to be sure of the rest of your existence, especially not at sixteen. there’s no set schedule for your life, where you have to complete X achievement by Y age or you’ll burn in an eternal pit of failure. there’s just these days, and this growth, and what we choose to do with what we have. getting lost is normal, not knowing is normal. only then will you experience those inner epiphanies that make you realize what you REALLY want, putting you back on track. and this can happen at 21, at 30, at 50. and there are so many different tracks, too. nothing is definitive. when you’re a kid, especially a kid with a traumatic background, it’s easy to see things in black and white. i used to too, sometimes still do. but what i’ve noticed is the more you push yourself out into the world, the more you understand that everything is coloured in shades of grey. we grow weirdly, stunted in one area and abundant in another. we achieve our goals unexpectedly, on top of the world one day and then falling the next. it’s the balance. i think....it’s important to take your childhood into account, how its shaped your perception and your self image. questioning the fundamental beliefs you have, about what you’re worth, is a good place to start. whether that’s through counseling, or implementing healthier coping mechanisms int your daily life, or even just having an honest conversation with yourself at first. either way, you’ll see that you have to sort of relearn everything you thought you knew. you have to make a concentrated effort to center yourself and practice patience with your own life...it’s hard at first, but it makes everything easier in the long run. constantly screaming at yourself in your own head simply for existing is just too suffocating, too exhausting. not everything is going to be this chaotic all of the time, i promise. look, i said the exact same thing about turning eighteen. and i’ve been saying the same thing about turning twenty in four months, that i’m just going to kill myself. but it’s becoming clear to me now that that thought is more of a defense mechanism than anything else, at least for me. if i’m going to die young i don’t have to have any sort of plan, and i dont have to worry about messing up. it’s comforting. but i feel like life just sort of sneaks up on you, and you don’t even really realize it. your mind knows on some subconscious level that you have the rest of eternity to be dead and only one chance in this history of ever to be a person. so despite all of the learned fear and the quiet terror, it’s easier to think about simply disappearing than it is to actually die. just by being here, you have a chance. and if you feel as though you’re really going to act on those compulsions/self destructive thoughts, please please be sure to alert those around you and call the authorities so you can receive the care you need. no matter how scary it is, because you dont want to make such a long lasting decision when you’re in a unclear headspace. it’s just not worth it, it doesn’t change or improve anything.

this is getting too long, and these are just my thoughts on the matter, not objective facts, but. yeah, existential horror is a part of the human condition and a defining characteristic of what differentiates us as a species. and there’s strength in this, in knowing we’re all in the same boat and everyones feeling the weight of it. but you’ll find reasons to stick around if you seek them out. everything is terrifying but we should try to focus on our individual lives and getting through each day, one at a time. the quote that comes to mind is “and while the future is fast coming for you, it always flinches first and settles in as the gentle present.” you are doing so much better than you think. adapting is inevitable, and you’ll be so many different selves over the course of your lifetime - how can you be mad at the 16 yo version that just wants to try their best? seriously, if you give yourself some time, and you try to give yourself the tools you need to remain grounded and present, then you’re going to be okay. i wouldn’t say it if i didn’t believe it. sometimes we’re looking for an answer but the answer is simply to wait. anyway, i really hope you’re able to take it easy. again, you’re sixteen. mistakes are human, and they’re all lying to you about how you have to decide what you’re going to ‘be’ for the rest of your life. please take care. if you need a friend or if you want to talk about anything, i’ll be here. you’re not in this alone.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

okay so,, im 17. I've identified as nb since i was about 13. I've been super quiet about it, only 3 of my friends actually know. i changed my name on social media and cut my hair and wear bigger clothes. i bought a binder that i wear when i have the energy. in the past year I've been wondering if I'm actually trans? i honestly just need another opinion because i dont know any trans people personally. i want a deeper voice, top surgery, but i still have a fear that it's not enough to say im trans

Lee says:

The word “transgender” is an umbrella term that is inclusive of (but not forced upon) anyone who identifies as a gender that they were not assigned at birth. That means non-binary people have the same right to identify as transgender as trans men and trans women do.

So if you identify as non-binary, you can definitely say that you’re trans.

Wanting to medically transition doesn’t necessarily have to do with whether you’re non-binary or a trans man. Some binary trans men and trans women don’t want to medically transition and some non-binary people do want to medically transition. 

I personally identify as genderqueer, non-binary, transmasculine, and transgender. And I’ve chosen to medically transition- I’m on testosterone because I want a deeper voice and I’ve had to surgery and a hysterectomy. Next I’m getting phalloplasty in May 2021.

If you feel like you’re a trans man, that’s valid- and if you feel like you’re non-binary, that’s also valid. But yeah, you definitely sound like you fit under the trans umbrella.

Related topics:

What gender am I?

Self-validation

[tmitransitioning]

how will t be most likely to change my dietary needs? i used to have an eating disorder, and even now, i have trouble getting enough nutrients just because i have extremely limited access to food that i can hold down and still afford. also, ive heard t can cause some weight gain. im getting better about not obsessing over my weight, and i know its probably more muscle weight than fat, but im afraid ill relapse again anyway. are there ways beyond "just dont look" that i can deal with that better?

cw: disordered eating, calorie restriction, weight, generally talking about food and anxiety

So, I have been/am in a very similar position—long-running restrictive disordered eating patterns, low budget for groceries, and not a lot of food that I can physically eat (digestive problems). My ED started around natal puberty and has persisted since, but I’ve also never been formally treated, so the strategies and discussion here may not encompass that perspective.

Testosterone is... interesting, because it almost universally makes you hungry, kind of like a teenage cis dude, but a lot of the “oh my god if I don’t eat protein right now I’m gonna go feral” kind of hunger goes away after the first couple years. Cis women and cis men don’t really have that different of energy needs*, and while it’s true that your body needs energy to build muscle and grow hair and all of that, I think we sometimes accidentally give the impression that you’re constantly going to be eating three-course meat platters, which can make anxiety around food a lot worse to think about. It’s also kind of hard to figure out how much someone’s appetite increase is due solely to hormones and what is due to lifestyle changes—a lot of trans people on T hit the gym super hard and then wonder why they’re so hungry. (That’s a self-drag.) In general, once you’re past the bulk of the Second Puberty Changes, your appetite returns to about what it was.

The same goes for weight gain. Not everyone gains weight on testosterone**. In most people, T promotes muscle growth; you don’t get bodybuilder muscles without a ton of effort, but you will likely feel a bit stronger and might see physical muscle development in parts of your body that you use a lot (I got quads of steel; a lot of people get buff forearms and shoulders; your butt usually changes if you walk a lot; etc). HRT in general also doesn’t change how much body fat you have, because that is largely genetic. The shape that body fat takes will change, which can trigger emotions and anxiety about your body—I’ve had a hard time with this re: fat redistribution to my stomach. Knowing what effects something is having doesn’t necessarily turn the ED off, which is pretty frustrating; they’re irrational and based in fear and interact weirdly with dysphoria.

If you’re able to, I’ve found the most helpful thing is to straight-up build eating into a schedule every day. For example, I use paper lists on my desk a lot to keep track of things I have to do on days when I’m home, and I’ll incorporate “eat something” into those at specific intervals—”do dishes, clean desk, eat food, study, eat food, etc.”. It doesn’t have to be a meal, and it’s unrealistic to expect myself to do that. I also think that, since this isn’t a clinical setting, it is probably better to try and not track or care about the caloric or nutritional content, if possible. That is out of the question for a lot of people’s EDs, and I don’t know what form yours takes; I mention it because the anxiety produced around trying to hit a calorie goal can make it a lot harder to eat anything, and putting some fuel in is better than no fuel.

The trick to the repeated reminders thing is that you have to enforce it, or get something else to enforce it for you—I like phone alarms and timed reminders for this, where I can set them to snooze for five minutes but cannot dismiss them until I physically have an apple or whatever in my hand.

In terms of dealing with your actual thoughts about your weight: You’re right, “just don’t look” isn’t really a feasible solution. But it’s also hard to know how those thoughts will change on T, which makes them tough to anticipate and react to in advance. There’s a really, really weird intertwining of dysphoria and body image that tends to happen, where people will find that the body shape they settle into on hormones either doesn’t give them the same urge to control it that their pre-HRT body did or is easily separable from those feelings. I don’t want to tell you to wait and see but I do think that your overall ability to counter the anxiety you feel around food may get stronger when you feel more in control of/euphoric in your body. It’s weird, and takes some introspection to tease out, like, “okay I felt bad about my thighs previously because they made me dysphoric but now they’re shaped differently and I’m pretty sure that my remaining bad feelings are weight-based”. But it does, genuinely, surprisingly help a lot to ease dysphoria as a way of addressing weight and eating. EDs don’t disappear with hormonal transition, or with surgery, but they can get easier to manage when you are not constantly anxious about your body and gender. I hope some of this helps you; I’m sorry I can’t give you more of a handbook-style guide to it, I’m not sure anyone has it fully figured out.

- Mod Wolf

* The recommended-calorie diets are based on self-reported intakes; followup studies found that women were underreporting more than men were.

** And, conversely, not everyone loses weight on estrogen.

[jedimasteramell]

Aloth x Watcher // Deadfire // SFW

Here there be midgame spoilers.

------------

Liaden was greeted by consciousness with the heavy ache of the ship boards underneath her and the sticky salt spray of sea air through the open window. She lay there a moment, still in her day clothes, the rocking of the Defiant taking her away from the ringing grasses and pitch-black sea. Making to lift herself up from the uncomfortable floor, a tenseness in her muscles left her paralyzed. Catching a glimpse of a velvet twilight sky over the edge of her bed, not caring if they heard her, she cursed the gods and Berath most of all. If they were to steal her mind away to their court as they pleased, the least they could do was see she made it to the bed first.

Frustrated, she pounded her fist against the worn wood with a dull thump. She hadn't asked to have her soul stolen or play pawn to the false gods... again. Madiccho, if Eothas' end goal was simply to piss them all off it'd almost be worth it. If it didn't involve killing so many Kith along the way.

She grunted, heaving herself off the floor, finally having regained control of her limbs. The back of her head ached something fierce; Liaden swore again. There came a knock at the door.

"Liaden? Are you alright?"

"You can come in." She called to Aloth through the door. Proper as ever, he paused before entering. At the sight of her on the ground however, he was quick to help her to her feet.

"Good that I'm an elf or you probably couldn't lift me." She teased him, a bit of blush on her cheeks.

Aloth's lips twitched towards a smile, but the concern furrowed in his expression was not dislodged. "Mayhaps, but what were you doing on the floor, are you all right?" His voice caught, dropping a little, eyes full of worriment. He hadn't backed away as he normally did... or at least did before they'd shared their first kiss. "Was it Berath again?"

"The one and only." Liaden sighed and fiddled with her white braid. "And hadn't even let me make it to my bed before she swept me away." She gestured to the untouched bed.

Aloth put his hand on her waist, somewhat hesitant, and guided her to the bed. The frame creaked as they sat beside each other and Liaden curled two of her fingers around his and they sat in silence for several long moments.

"Do you want to talk about it?" The words may have once been foreign to the Aedyran's tongue, but with her, he was practicing. He brushed her knuckles with his thumb.

Enjoying the little gesture, Liaden looked up into gaze and delighted to find her comfort and affection mirrored in his face. "They still want to know what Eothas' plan is.... and still don't care how many Kith get killed along the way." She thought of Magran's volcanoes and Ondra's tsunamis and bristled, in turn Aloth's eyes flashed and he brushed her knuckles once more.

"I'm so sorry they keep dragging you into their schemes, I know you did not ask for it nor part of your soul to be stolen." He murmured apologetically, pained by the haunted and distant look to her pale eyes.

"I just wish I knew more." She lamented, heaving out another piece of the age-long sigh embedded in her chest. "If I'm the one designated to solve all of this, even if Eothas made it personal busting through my castle, if I had more information, maybe we could prepare everyone better." Liaden's shrug transitioned to a shiver as the breeze rolled through the cabin.

Leaning across the bed, Aloth shut the window, surprised as she suddenly fell back on the sheets to lie next to him. “I’m glad you’re here.” She murmured. A softness had entered her expression, a welcoming change as the dark seas of her dreams ebbed away in his presence. Several stray hairs escaped her braid. Moved more by perfectionism than by romantic inclination, he brushed the stands from her forehead,

She giggled. Of all things, Liaden giggled.

A furious blush crossed his cheeks and up his ears, bright red tips like beacons. He froze, starstruck by the sight of her. She gave him no chance to withdraw his hand, taking it in hers to press a quick kiss to his lips.

it was perhaps a little awkward: Liaden lying down, Aloth taken by surprise, them both being new to the whole kissing-each-other thing. Seconds past and they broke apart a bit breathless, the flush of color far more prominant on her ghostly skin than his. Her hair had fallen back and his elbow remained pinned in an uncomfortable way, but neither cared. He smiled at her and damn his heart she giggled once more. "We do have to do that more." He said, and hopefully not too eagerly.

"I think I can arrange that." She paused as he made to move. "Aloth...." Liaden remained where she'd rested across the bed, watching him hopefully with her bright lilac eyes. "If you want... you could stay...." As if she sensed some potential misunderstanding, hastily she added. "Like when we all shared tents back in Dyrwood, I miss having folks... you... close."

Understanding dawned on him though not with enough speed to spare the rather risque thoughts. Those he tamped down quick. "I mean," Aloth started, searching for the precise words that damndedly evaded him. "I dont wish to impose, or worse overstep my bounds. But if youre sure."

Liaden shimmied up towards the pillows responding with a pat on the mattress.

Setting his boots neatly aside he climbed up beside her. "You know, despite the constant fighting for our lives and the fear of Thaos... I miss those days too. Missed the company." Admitting to that lifted some of the weight from his chest. "Certainly was simpler then, and a tad more, ah, rustic."

She rolled her eyes, humming with humor into thr pillow. "I wouldnt exactly call sleeping in the woods in a country full of bandits and dead vessels 'rustic'. The company was nice though."

Liaden's smile had a way of making his stomach do backflips. "You did meet a rather capable wizard during it I suppose."

A sleepy laugh escaped her lips and she stole another quick kiss. "That I did... and a handsome one at that."

Aloth beamed despite himself. "Goodnight Liaden."

"Goodnight Aloth."

[puchiyaa-blog]

/Assassination Classroom/

Sup, guys! This is my first review in this app, and it is about an anime series called “Assassiation Classroom”. This is for the people who havent wached it yet, and is curious about peoples opinions for further information. Also for the ones who already watched it and just wants peoples pov.

• Ill break this review part by part, so I'd like to start with the synopsis for people with no idea on what it is about:

“Earth is threatened by an enormously powerful monster who apparently destroyed 70% of the Moon, leaving it permanently shaped like a crescent. The monster claims that within a year he will destroy the planet, but he offers mankind a chance to avert this fate. In class 3-E, the End Class of Kunugigaoka Junior High School, he starts working as a homeroom teacher where he teaches his students regular subjects, as well as the ways of assassination. The Japanese government promises a reward of ¥10 billion (i.e. 100 million USD) to whoever among the students succeeds in killing the monster, whom they have named "Koro-sensei". However, this proves to be an almost impossible task, as not only does he have several superpowers at his disposal, including the capacity of moving at Mach 20, but he is also the best teacher they've ever had, helping them to improve their grades, individual skills, and perspectives for the future.”

• Yeah, I had to cut it cause the rest was too long (by Wikipedia btw). But that is enough to give you the idea of the series. Here is my opinion:

When I am about to watch a series, there are two things I look forward to -- character development (not by age or physical factors) and chemistry between the characters (it doesnt have to be romance).

Since the anime was bundled with comedy and mostly action, I honestly didnt expect such chemistry and development between each of them. I also thought they'd only focus on Nagisa, Karma and Koro Sensei since its like that to most the series' I watch (only focuses on the main's aspects). But HELL NO.

By character development, It really did ALL of them (one I can recall is also “Kuroko no Basuke”). They improve individually and work as a whole. They get a fair amount of screening time, well, more than fair actually. Though Nagisa is the main character, the series also compliments each of them (such as the past, their personality, individual skills, etc) including the villians (they even develop and become more likable) which will bring you closer to the character. It almost seems like they're alive.

• Next part I'll do is review the characters individually. I may have very little description and opinion about them cause I do not want to spoil anything since this is for everyone who have watched and havent. Though, I'll only talk about 3 characters -- Nagisa, Karma, Koro Sensei. Heres my review:

Nagisa

Nagisa is a strong-witted, fast learning character. And definitely a trap (almost shipped him straight with Karma lol). He's the scariest of them all, the ability to change from calm and composed to a killer attitude is insane it sends chills to the characters and viewer's spine

Hes probably my favourite of them all. He has the skill to balance and to become an assassin cause of his dangerous aura and the fact that he can pick up any methods quickly. He fights without hesitation and fear no matter the size and gap between his opponents.

~

Karma

Yeah, hes hot, I'll admit. But aside that, hes the most mischevious among the class. He does not discriminate the victims he pick. He can be mischevious to anyone including the class, Koro Sensei and also applies to enemies he fight with.

In character development (in the class), he would be my most favorite. At first, he looks down on others and overestimates himself in dealing with people. But with gradual life lessons and teachings from Koro Sensei, it transitioned to him keeping pace with everyone and not under/overestimating anyone he fights or deal with. He fights with equal thinking and wit (but hes still mischevious lmao).

~

Koro Sensei

Koro Sensei is a monster-octopus (I dont know anymore XD) with the speed of Mach 20 and skill of an actual boss. I have so much to say but I need to limit myself cause of spoilers.

I thought he would be an arrogant teacher that looks down on his students and challenges them to kill him. But it seemed to be the other way around. Yeah, he assassinates back then, but he still has a heart and gave earth a chance by letting mostly Class E kill him (the reason why he chose to teach that class will remain anonymous in this review due to spoilers). By letting the students kill him, it improves their physical abilitites as he also teaches them their individual skill and improves overall mindset and personality. Hes pretty wise its incredible.

~

I hope this helps at least a little bit :v

-puchiyaa

[reptilisss]

1 through 59 ;^)

omg :(

1). what was the last song you had on repeat? my heart goes bang by dead or alive omg

2). who was the last person you danced with? oh idk i think a canvasser named luke at drag brunch?

3). any weird fears? oh those grates in the street? u know? the real deep ones that like u walk over? dont’ like em!

4). what is your favorite fruit? peaches!

5). where did you spend your last friday night? oh on friday i hung out w my friend sam for a bit and then picked up miles and he watched me eat a whole fucking sandwich.

6). do you believe love can last forever? i am coming around to the idea!

7). do you have siblings? no i think i’m enough to deal with by myself lol

8). what would you do if you found out your best friend was seeing your ex? mm gross

9). do you like to cuddle? yeah but i am always the big spoon. no one believes me but i am the big spoon.

10). are you easily scared by horror movies? no! they used to a lot! but idk i got to college and started doing taxidermy and then gore didn’t really bother me.

11). have you ever been kissed in the rain? yeah! junior year of college i was sitting outside w this girl i really liked and uh it was raining and she kissed me and yep that’s it

12). how do you feel about your hair? i don’t really like it. i want long hair but it freaks me out any time it gets too long. the last time i really liked it was when i had it shaved and dyed

13). have you ever had an emo phase? ya ofc i did i’m trans we all had one.

14). are you looking forward to something as of right now? lil day trip with miles :)

15). last person you talked to in person? @bitchfacemcsassypants this jerk

16). do you think someone’s thinking about you? i think maybe

17). do you believe in love at first sight? no i think love takes longer than that, but maybe the initial attraction can be felt quickly

18). do you prefer to call or text? depends on the person! texting is easier to do at work

19). have you kissed someone in the last 2 weeks? ya i kiss miles as frequently as humanly possible.

20). what’s one stereotype of where you come from that actually fits? i wanna be yuppie scum and i call the closest airport “national” not “reag*n”

21). favourite dance song? toxic by britney spears

22). what’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought in the past year? i paid to get my tits cut off lol

23). which eye colour do you find prettiest? i’m a huge fan of brown eyes. they get a bad rap as boring but i think they’re really the best. very emotive. soft. warm.

24). what’s your guilty pleasure when it comes to music? i love britney spears ok

25). do you enjoy parties? no! i like people i’m just really not good in crowds

26). describe your crush: he is my boyfriend. he’s wonderful and he has a great butt.

27). how many languages can you speak? only english! a little spanish but not enough to converse

28). what’s on your bed right now? me, my waterbottle, my phone, two (2) socks

29). most pleasing accent to listen to? southern us accent i think.

30). ‎how old are you? i just turned 24

31). have you ever been rock climbing? no but an ex of mine was super into it and tried to make me. the harnesses freak me out too much i think

32). how’s the relationship with your parents? HA. bad!

33). what’s one thing you cannot stop buying? probably underwear it’s so fun to buy

34). what do you like most about your physical appearance? oh boy. maybe my eyes. but i also love my thighs (most of the time!)

35). do you sing in the shower? oh yes i do bitch yes i do

36). when was the last time you hugged someone? earlier tonight tino and i did a little side hug.

37). cats or dogs? love em all

38). favorite cake flavour? yellow cake i’m such a basic person

39). if you had the ability to change one aspect of yourself, what would it be? money

40). are you good at any sports? no but like i also never really tried in gym class, you know? maybe i’d be good if i tried.

41). how old is your oldest living relative? oh hm. i think my grandfather is like 95 or something like that.

42). favorite color? love me a good dove grey

43). what’s the best thing about the beach? i like laying on the beach and like closing my eyes and feeling the sun warming my stomach. like a little cat bitch.

44). what’s your favourite book trope? oh like honestly just enemies to lovers i know it’s lame and cliche but i love it

45). what’s the longest journey you’ve been on? probably something corny like “my transition”

46). who is your favorite person to watch on YouTube? Chris Flemming y’all!

47). what color are your eyes? they’re blue :)

48). are you currently wanting any piercings? i think i’d really like to get my navel redone, but i’m not sure i have the right anatomy for it! also i just put stuff on my tummy a lot i’m not sure it’d work out.

49). night owl or early bird? night owl

50). favorite word? right now it’s homoerotic

[lokbobpop]

Forgive

transitive verb. 1 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon forgive one's enemies. 2a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital (see requital sense 1) for forgive an insult. b : to grant relief from payment of forgive a debt.

Forgive” never meant “untie.” The root of “forgive” is the Latin word “perdonare,” meaning “to give completely, without reservation.” (That “perdonare” is also the source of our English “pardon

Forgive for give forge ive for gave for g ive

Writing forgive

I have written this word a million times it feels but of cause i haven’t it just feels that lets say one thousand within my process to life as this is how it is said. ‘I forgive myself for allowing and accepting’ this is it this has changed my whole life as it were by forgiving myself many many times ive actually let go of what it is that has been keeping me down it wa s only myself anchoring me down im pulling up the weight the mind has give me to carry to the burdens i think are real but never was real to be able to let them go so i cant live life fully.

Reading forgive

I first came to know about forgiving myself was after a book i read by a don someone it said to write out al you want to forgive about yourself or another so i did i went under my favorite tree when had now been bulldozes down and lent up against it and write then all out one by one and yes after the were all done i was great i felt lighter better but it wasnt until i found Desteni i really found out what self forgiveness could really do for me it has changed my life it has given me the opportunity to live this life to be the best life i could have to be happy to not be weighed by my mind every little even means something like the bus ride home just now where i old guy was angry at me for not wearing my mask properly so I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the anger to come up with me today on the bus when an elderly man got upset at me for not wearing my mask properly i see now his fear of catching covid was very valid and my refusal was just out of my ego being knocked by i guy i felt had no right to speak to me in that manor and not realizing how selfish and spiteful i was being by not obeying his right to be scared of me with having my mask down low and all my being upset was just ego of how dare you do that to me like who do you think you are talking to me this white women and you are just some old guy you don’t even know me came up within me which is to totally unacceptable i see realize and understand now that i should respect others whether its in fear or not this is there right and i have no place to put them or another in danger.

I think I definitely dont forgive enough i should definitely forgive myself much more than i do its like ok ive go this I understand what i have done wrong so i don’t need to forgive it but i do it just ends the problem better by forgiving it should i say.

How it has been hard to forgive some people like my alcoholic father ive been hanging on to not forgiving him like i think or should i say feel that as i dont do it he will be punished in some why but its not him at all being punished it me punishing myself only by even doing this he has nothing ot to with my hate for him he’s fine where ever he is in life its only me with the problem he’s Scott free as it were lol im missing the point of of freeing myself from him and what he did to me i missing me in this and only see in its him and my blame my blame doesnt hurt him at all no but it hurts me yes it hurts me big time so I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the blame to com up within towards my father for who the was as a parent to wards me and how i blame him for the way i feel now and for many years that the was a bad father yes he was a bad father but who i am within that is whats that matters so im forgiving myself for carrying blame towards him for what i feel he did to my childhood because i did see realize and understand i am exactly the same as him angry pissed off with life and that all i need to have done was take my own responsibility for my own thoughts and feeling towards him to heal me because thats all that is left is thoughts nothing real just thoughts of the past which need not affect me now in any way what so ever.

Well I think i could spend days writing out self forgiveness hey yes maybe i could do a self forgiveness day or just do more as i go along i think this would be better idea.

To forgive is to release your self from yourself your mind which you have come to believe is you

A what i called a mean girl just came to mind she was angry and I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the fear and revenge i have for her and towards her to come up within me as an energy that is is nt real that really i do love her and i see that she is in anger just like me and we were stuck in anger energy I forgive my fear towards her and revenge i held against her.

I forgive myself of so many things in my life all the trial and tribulations i have had that i have inflected to my physical over and over again that i feel sometimes despot works and i can’t see myself heal and think shit why am i not getting better a;l that has got better is one growth under my eye and wanting more things to so within me to feel normal heathy me I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the disappointment within myself right now that ive not done better and have judged myself to be still back of the pack within comparison to others within process that i want I stand gratification as most do now without seeing i need to clear pathways within me to move better and that i am getting there i am doing it and its ok where i am as this is where i am meant to be right here.

Saying forgive

There’s this warmth from the word within me like i forgive me im sorry for what i do and i will learn from what i ahve done wrong to be a the best version of me yes this is a process and im in it.

The thought of having ot forgive people i dont want to forgive because i think they deserve my anger but they no nothing of my anger they feel nothing of my anger so its only myself that suffers hey so why do i do this to myself why would I punish myself when i havent done anything wrong its fucking nuts to even think i do that lol

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to feel down in the dumps right now to see myself as not good enough and putting myself down with my process i will get there i will do this this is but the mind this is not me I couldn’t possibly ever get down this would be a complete impossibility for me as my real self doesn do this get down so it has to be the mind then bringing in a poor me lol Yep hell o mind i will find you hunt you down a kill you lol.

Sf

Does this definition support me no and yes a bit of both going on here i could definitely do better than i am doing with my self forgiveness and see where i am living in the mind more often but the more i do the more i will heel im sure of this i need to apply myself and just keep doing it :) go girl

Forgive to give

Forgive

To release my from my mind to be able to live my best life ever

To release mechanism the keys to my upmost freedom and to help others see there potential within themselves.

I will and do use this word to live the best possible life in this my last life on this earth in my physical

[trubledparadise]

okay so in terms of gender I think I’m ftm, at the very least transmasc/non binary, and as soon as I can (which will be a couple years because I’m still a minor and living with parents who’ll never support me transitioning) I’ll get a binder because I really don’t want breasts, and I sometimes experience bottom dysphoria but not often enough for me to plan on getting a packer unless it worsens. As for surgeries and hormones I’d have to see a gender theripist, because I just don’t know what’s right for me or if I’ve just talked myself into being trans (as in I hate being perceived as a girl because of misogyny and the people I’m around’s expectations of what a “young woman” Should be). Growing up the characters I always latched onto and identified with were always boys, and when I got into my teenage years this didn’t stop and I started to headconnon them as transmen. My only worry is that in relating to these characters I’ve built up some image of what I should be, and maybe talked myself into dysphoria?? (Which sounds stupid but this is why I need a therapist before I make concrete decisions about my gender)

All I know is that I want to be my authentic self. And right now that means no breasts and no long hair or being called feminine and a young lady and told I’ll be a wife of some man someday when in fact, I want to be the man and maybe have a wife (despite the conflict of gender, I’m very much comfortable with my bi/pansexuality). But I don’t like the term man, or thinking of myself as called a man, despite wanting all the qualities of a man. And that might be my association of what the men around me are like turning me off from being callled a man, or it could mean I’m not ftm, but a masculine enby. I’m young and I haven’t experienced what it’s like to be free from thinking “will this out me to my parents?” before acting or dressing or speaking or just,, living honestly. Because of this I don’t want my friends to use he/him pronouns Incase it catches up to my family through the grapevine or my friends slip up accidentally, and so I can’t tell if I like those pronouns. The same with changing me name - I don’t even know if I’ll change my name! It’s unisex, supposedly.

Already my parents might be suspicious because of how masculine I’ve dressed the past year, and the decline in makeup use. (It doesn’t help that I had a meltdown over my mom buying me a pair of pink shorts ((which in my defense I had told her time and time again I dont like pink))). I can’t blalently buy men’s clothes outside of graphic t’s, so masculine women’s (“women’s”) clothes will have to do for now even if I don’t like the way they hug my curves. I just,,,, wish I could talk to my friends but some of them are in similar or worse situations and the last thing I want to do is cause them anxiety or doubts by expressing my frustration. It’s not like they can do much, I can’t really change my situation until I’m legally an adult and can afford to leave my parents house.

So that’s why I’m here, ranting to a bunch of strangers on the internet instead of people I know because a blog where I can give one solid rant with probably no feedback is better than my notes, texting my friends, or a face to face conversation that I can’t filter my biggest fears from as easily :DD

[clown-bait]

29 Neibolt ST (Monster Roommate AU) Chapter 3

Alright friends things are heating up. Pennyboi learns how to deal with feelings and Leech gets a job. Some weird stuff with meat happens. Leatherface is a pure beautiful soul and must be protected. Next chapter will contain SMUT.

Warnings: Mild Nsfw, Blood, Swearing, Drug Use, Alcohol, Fluff. 

CHAPTER 3

Help.

The young vampire to be had been there a full month now and she hated to admit it but she had never been happier. This was truly a new start for her. People even stopped calling her by her original name preferring to use the one Pennywise had given her when they first met. It was meant as an insult but it fit her so well she kept it. She was a bloodsucker now after all. Lucy was gone Leech was who she was now. She had a new job lined up, new friends, a great mentor and she was even given a wig by Leatherface as a housewarming gift when her hair began to fall out. Aside from the impending death and losing humanity thing….and that damn clown…. this was nice. This could work.

Movie night at the Neibolt house was a big event. Everyone joined in even Pennywise who usually kept to himself but when Dracula insisted he join in to make a certain proto-vampire happy the clown reluctantly agreed. He hated that the elder vampire knew about his affliction.

When Dracula found out about it he had been confronting the clown over his disheveled state. “You seem less cruel to my young apprentice and you look like you have stopped feeding. You are infatuated.”

“Infat- What?! No! Leech is, she’s, well we’re just………I mean….I……..…..what do I do.” He was weak and defeated. Pennywise had never had a positive feeling like this before and Dracula was the only one other than Chucky that knew how to deal with this sort of thing.

“You must pursue her it'll be healthy for the both of you! My poor apprentice has been worried sick about her transition for weeks now! Yes! ROMANCE HER WOO HER GIVE HER YOUR LOVE.” The elder vampire was a complete hopeless romantic.

“I was just going to go back to eating my feelings till this goes away?”

“NAY YOU MUST COURT THE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. I HAVE FAILED IN LOVE BUT YOU CHILD YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE”

“One, I'm way older than you. Two no.”

“LOOK AT YOURSELF BOY, YOU ARE WASTING AWAY IN LOVE! GIVE HER YOUR HEART END YOUR ETERNAL LONELINESS.”

“What part of older than you do you- never mind lets pretend this never happened.”

“YOU WILL SEE SOON ENOUGH BOY, YOU WILL SEE THAT YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM LOVE.”

Pennywise hated how that he was right about that. He tried eating more and began to look healthy again until Leech walked by in the kitchen two days later and gave him a damn compliment. Who does she think she is telling him he looked extra scary today. The nerve!

“At least theres popcorn” he grumbled plopping down onto one of the couches. Having two giant monsters in the house plus a very territorial cat required multiple couches and chairs so everyone could fit around the old antique tv.

“Whats on the menu tonight boys” Freddy says opening a beer taking up a whole lazy boy to himself.

“Something we can do a drinking game with please?” came Leech’s request from the kitchen she was busy making drinks for her new friends after she bragged she could make them killer cocktails that would knock their socks off. It also to try to persuade Leatherface to put in a good word for her when applied for the position of bartender at the newly remodeled Sawyer’s.  Dracula was assisting her while carefully watching her glances and shy smiles whenever she heard Penny’s bells. The elder vampire had never had a protege before and he had to admit her fiery personality was growing on him, shed make a fine creature of the night eventually he just had to get her past her unwillingness to change. Leech found it annoying that he was constantly nagging her about her transition. Tonight it was all about how vampires cant hold their liquor. But she liked her mentor, he was like the father she never had and she would often find herself coming to him with questions not only about her condition but also life in general.

“Atta girl Leech you're a woman after my own dead heart” Freddy shouted back the two had been bonding more smoking on the porch talking shit about people who got on their nerves that day. They did have quite a few things in common one was tequila and the other was epic amounts of sass. Pennywise did feel a twinge of jealousy over it but knew if he said something Freddy would tell everyone the eldritch embodiment of fear had a big stupid crush on someone he normally considered food.

“All right guys heres my official audition for bartender at Sawyer’s. Tip jar is on the counter for when all you assholes are blown away by how great I am.” she boasted passing out the drinks.

“Big talk for someone who's tolerance is sinking faster than the Titanic” said Chucky

“Shut up and drink doll. I’ll let my talent do all the ass kicking for me.”

“What the hell is this?” Freddy asked poking the puffy pice of spun sugar

“Cotton candy martinis bitch!”

Pennywise choked on his popcorn.

She begun finishing handing them out and as Penny picked his up his giant hand touched hers. They blinked at each other for a second. “Something wrong Pen? Did I uh offend you with the circus flavors?”

“Oh um no no just something on your um something on your face!” Dracula rolled his eyes at him dramatically from the kitchen.

“Oh where.” Leech frowned.

“Its um… no stop stop! Don't touch it. Just let me do it..” The clown quickly pretended to wipe something off her nose. “nailed it.” He thought.

Chucky's eyes grew wide when he saw the exchange. “No fucking way” he whispered.

Leatherface was delighted at the sweet drink. He even giggled when his friend put the cotton candy in the liquor and it dissolved. “So you think I got the job big guy?” he grunted happily in approval “Aw shucks Bubba you're the best!” she hugged the lovable giant murderer. Leech smiled wide with cockiness “nailed it.” She said to herself.

————

“Wait you only have a waitress job??? But I thought I was applying to be a bartender!?” she complained at the giant the next day. She wasn't mad at him though it was the rest of his family’s fault probably. They Sawyer clan were a bunch of boys they needed a cute girl in the restruant to be the bait for their…. meat source. Finally the young vampire sighed “Fine I’ll take it, anything at this point. Just let me know when I start.” Desperate times call for desperate measures. “Do I at least get a nice uniform?” she asked.

Leatherface nodded enthusiastically, he brought out a bag from behind his back and handed it to her. Freddy was now watching with glee from around the corner. He had been planning this for the past week.

“Oh you've got to be kidding me.” she growled from the bathroom and Freddy laughed.

“Whats so funny?” Pennywise asked sipping a hot cocoa with way too many marshmallows

“I helped the big guy pick the new uniform for the waitresses wait till you see it.”

Leech creaked the door open her face bright red. As she stepped out Pennywise spit his drink and nearly choked on a marshmallow. She was in a tied flannel top and daisy dukes. “Who told you this was a good idea Leatherface?” the giant happily pointed at Freddy’s hiding spot who was on the floor cackling now. Chucky walked by and his jaw nearly fell on the floor before running to get Tiff. Pennywise was 100% broken. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. “Can I at least wear an actual shirt instead?”

Leatherface looked sad she didn't like the uniform. “Oh no” she thought “He's proud of it.”

“Hey hey big guy! I didn't mean it the uniforms great don't be sad see I’m going to put it away for tomorrow ok!”

Pennywise left the room quickly unable to remain there for much longer without….feeeeeeling.

Chucky walked over to him giving his leg a sharp jab with his elbow.

“What do you want doll.” he snarled

“You're a mess Jingles. Why don't you do something about it?”

“I don't know what you're talking about.”

“Your lame school boy crush on the baby bloodsucker.”

“I dont-“

“Don't even man you were practically having a heart attack back there, plus you were staring at her the entire movie night. Tiff thinks its cute.”

“Does everyone know now?”

“Pretty much.”

The clown fell on the floor against the fridge. “Then I need your…………help.” The last word was a struggle for him.

———-

Leech marched into the old house carrying the an entire butcher shop in grocery bags. Drops of cold animal blood dripped down from her purchases and Church had come out of hiding to follow her to the kitchen where she began to pack the fridge and freezer full of raw meat.

“Ok clown your girl’s home go talk to her.” Chucky whispered from behind Pennywise who was hiding on the stairway to the basement.

“Compliment her ears she's been very self conscious about them lately” Dracula suggested to him.

As Pennywise attempted to step forward he paused when he saw the young vampire. She looked to be in a trance as she put meat away finally stopping at a package of bratwursts and taking a deep inhale of the bloody sausage. She let out a small whimper and as a drop of drool fell from her lips the clown felt his breath hitch. “What are you waiting fo- woah!!!” Chucky paused when he saw that Leech has taken one of the sausages out of the package and was brining it to her hungry open mouth. Her tongue had rolled out and she swallowed the meat whole like a snake. “Holy fuck Jingles thats uh… thats some girl you got there…” Chucky’s jaw dropped. Pennywise was completely frozen unable to speak. “Well ah.. nosferatu fledglings do have a…ahem insatiable appetite” Dracula dabbed his brow.

“We’re uh….we’re gonna go….good luck Jingles…” Chucky and Drac both bolted out of the room as Leech finished the tray of sausages completely unaware and going into a slight frenzy.

She ripped open a roast now and began violently tearing the meat with her dull human teeth. She started sucking the blood through the flesh while making obscene gasping sounds as she fed. Drool poured out of Pennywise’s mouth in record amounts as he watched the vampire. She tore off her beanie revealing her bald head and large bat like ears which began to fold straight up against the side of her head. Leech’s eyes flashed forward as she finished Penny marveled at how they looked like little reflections of the full moon against her dark eye circles she was becoming a truly terrifying monster. The clown had never seen something so beautiful or smelled something so sweet. The nosferatu came down from her high panting and gasping looking at the animal blood on her hands and the drool on the floor. “What the hell just happened?” she said to herself. She heard a soft jingle and her face lit up, she quickly put on her beanie to hide her baldness and wiped her face. “Penny?!” she said asked excitedly a small blush creeped onto her cheeks. Her face fell when no one answered. “Must have been my imagination…” she mumbled starting to clean up her mess.

Pennywise had retreated to his lair leaning back in his nest panting with need. He looked down at the tall tent in his pantaloons and shut his eyes. This was bad. He never really felt feelings like desire or lust, not like this. There were maybe a handful of occasions where he was in heat and took a lover for the night disguised as a human but he saw them as more tools than mates. Pennywise couldn't even remember some of their names, he was pretty sure he ate a few after he was done with them too. But this oh this, this was completely different. This new feeling was not something he could just relieve and get on with his hunting. This was a burning need for someone he saw as an equal, someone like him. A fellow predator, a potential mate. He didn't want anyone else he wanted her. And he hated it.

As promised the next chapter will get STEAMY. So stay tuned for that. 

[in-a-trans-like-state]

so my xmas is pretty much over. it was ok 

under the cut is just me giving a blow by blow of my day trying to figure out my emotions. 

the morning was nice though i had problems sleeping and woke up about 2 to go back to sleep at 6 to get up at 8 and be tired all day. 

I made bacon and raspberry pancakes for my family’s brekkie and we opened presents over food. my dad decided it was a great time to collect all the food and cutlery he wanted from upstairs and take it downstairs (his abode since my parents have spilt up) He wasn't too much of an arsehole though he really could have waited till i’d finished in the kitchen to rummage around it trying to find the last bowl of a set ( that turned out to be downstairs anyway) 

We went to my great uncles for lunch. I don’t like having xmas at his much cos he never really comes to family gatherings so he feels more like a stranger than anything. Plus he and his wife are loaded and they invite their rich friends over and i did not feel like talking to people i didnt know. Especially load drunk ones who are the embodiment of the “what could a banana cost? $10?” meme lady. (OK i dont actually know how rich they are but they live in a very nice suburb in a big house with way too much wine and it makes my working class leftist self cringe.) I much prefer to have christmas at my grandma’s run down place that creaks and the kitchen floor slopes because its the uncut bedrock the house it built on, and the only new people i have to deal with are my cousin’s new boyfriends.  

One guy was extremely extroverted and drunk and he was very cringe worthy. Like shut! up! you are embarrassing yourself! and your daughters! He cornered me said he remembered me from when i was little and made comments about how I’d changed, he actually bought up the gender thing which like everyone else was stepping around. 

My great aunt made comments about how much happier i am and how she was glad i’d followed my stars. Like thanks? But also I transitioned nearly 3 years ago?? Have you not spoken to me since then? (probably) Talking to the drunk guy was awkward but it was over pretty quick and i ran back to my mum. 

The food was good. I liked the ham and smoked salmon. there was prawns which stunk and made me feel vaugely sick for the rest of the day. as well as my dad’s smoked chicken. Idk what it is about it but when ever he makes it it tastes slightly off to me. Probably cos im not used to it. There much have been 20 bottles of wine on the table. Like ?? You don’t need a bottle of red and white for every person present. 

My dad opted to go home with my aunt and granny so he could stay and bitch longer. He is an alcoholic.  I always thought I was maybe exaggerating when i said that but mum recently told me that he has attended AA meeting in the past. Apparently when they last separated about 9 years ago he was sober for a couple of months. but then said something like “my life isnt worth living without alcohol.” Which does make me feel a little sorry for him, but also he is such an arsehole when he is drunk, like he can be bad when his sober but drunk him is a nightmare and 100% why mum’s separating form him (for good this time) 

Like mum was so worried during the lead up to xmas because what if he gets drunk and starts complaining loudly about her at the family lunch? And she cant leave cos there’s only one car? Or worse (?) he waits til we get home before (verbally) laying into her and us. I wasnt home but my sister got into uni the other day and instead of congratulating her dad made a big fuss cos no one had told him. I cant wait til mum has her own place. Where she (and me and my sisters) dont have to fear him stomping up the stairs to yell at us. I always tell my self that he’s probably not abusive. Like he is a negative toxic person (mum calls him draining) but he doesnt beat us or emotionally manipulate us on purpose. But honestly whats the difference? I wouldn’t be exaggerating too much by calling him abusive. 

I suppose the difference is that I’m (unlikely) to get PTSD from him? And i feel that it wasn’t as bad as some people have it so am I offending actual victims by calling him abusive? But also as theres no way I’m going to start talking over abuse victims and saying shit like I survived my dad with minimal damage that therefore their stories are invalid that calling him abusive or nearly abusive just puts another blip of the spectrum of this is what abuse can look like. If that makes sense? Fuck this was meant to be a christmas post and now its been derailed. 

Anyway I hope one of them sobered up enough to drive. Because drunk driving is a dick move and also I’m slightly worried that they’re dead. My anxiety is always going people are late? They had a car crash there’re dead. I know not to fixtate on it and just go well its possible but also quite unlikely so stfu brain. 

I spent way too much time on my phone trying to ignore people so now i have a headache. I didnt get to drink because I was designated driver so at least I’m not hungover but I was so tired I nearly feel asleep at the wheel. I came home and slept for two hours straight. 

I’ve changed my sheets which ive been meaning to do for a week now, and had coco pops (thanks santa!) for dinner. I need to have a shower and eat some fruit. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep because we’ve got to get up again tomorrow and go to my granny’s for present opening. because for some reason we couldn’t do it at my great uncles? Like not that I’m complaining about seeing the family again its just very time consuming and I’ve got work tomorrow afternoon so my whole day will be on a time limit and therefor stressful. 

I feel pretty down though. its probably the headache. Maybe its the fact i didnt get presents from extended family so my inner four year old is sad. Maybe its the weather it was quite cold today. Maybe I’m all socalised out. 

I think its partly cos im disappointed in myself for not engaging with people more. Even though I was tired and therefore socialising is undesirable and they were drunk and too loud. I’m also slightly pissed off at having to go to my great uncles. But also the reason we went is cos he had cancer this year so I also feel like a massive jerk for not wanting to go to his place. 

So all in all the day could have gone better. But also it was ok. Like I’ve long since accepted that the whole of christmas day cant be 24 hours of magical this is a special day feeling. Maybe thats an adult sign or maybe its depression (xmas is less and less fun as you grow up) either way I suppose it could have been a more special day. But also it doesnt really matter and hopefully i’ll feel better tomorrow