#i ended up cutting it myself once out of desperation. i got into sooooo much trouble.

[shy-writer-999]

hm… any thoughts on who’d do something like orgasm denial or overstimulation on their s/o as “punishment” for like, not taking proper care of themself/getting hurt/trying to sacrifice themself/etc? and maybe what that’d entail?

I think we need more of dom Sanji … so this is what I have for u. I was initially thinking Zoro and Ace but I have written sooooo much for them the past couple weeks so let’s mix it up! see below the cut for what i came up with. idk what to call it but its like 700 words (๑>◡<๑) also i read through it once or twice so it is far from perfect -- plz excuse any typos for the moment! if you were hoping for someone else, send smth to my inbox for my pseudo-kinktober thingy and i can cook something up...

---

It had been a long, rough, and scary day. You almost got yourself killed by your own careless mistake, and you were in denial about how close it was. After Chopper cleaned up your wounds, you slinked back to your room and sat on the bed, mulling over what happened just a few hours ago.

When Sanji knocked on the door softly, he told you how worried he was about you, how sick he felt the whole time, and how relieved he felt seeing your face after such a long time. He kissed every part of you that he could, peppering you with kisses and treating you like you were something precious.

After a couple hours of cuddling and sweetness, you ended up with blond hair tickling your face and deep groans rumbling in your ears. Sanji’s cock dragged over your g-spot countless times—you were in bliss, about to let go and give into the euphoric fervor of your climax. It felt so good to be back in your beloved’s arms, even better now that his cock was buried deep inside.

“S-sanji, ‘m gonna cum, keep going.”

He froze.

“C’mon baby,” he growled in your ear, feeling your walls pulse and constrict around his cock, but staying completely still. “You think I’m just gonna let you cream on my cock after what you pulled today? Almost getting yourself killed?”

“Sanjiii please, I want it” you pouted and whined, trying to move your hips to no avail. He brought a hand to cup your cheek.

“I’m being serious, gorgeous.” His tone was stern and all the lust in it seemed to disappear. “Never put yourself in danger like that again. You don’t know how fucking worried sick I was. Never play with my heart like that again.”

You frowned. “Sanji, I won’t. Now move.”

“Listen to me. I’m not going to move until I’ve gotten through your thick skull. Never put yourself in harm’s way again. Repeat it back to me.”

Your voice strained. You were starting to get desperate—he was just sitting inside of you not doing anything. It was going to drive you crazy. You had a shit day and just wanted him to fuck the pain away. “I promise I won’t ever put myself in harm’s way again, Sanji. I promise.” The pleasure and need were getting to your head, you’d do anything he said at this point.

“Never?”

You shook your head and glared up at him. “Never.”

“Now tell me how bad you want it.” He smirked and you complied, shamelessly.

“I want it Sanji. Please. Need your cock in me so bad.”

When he decided you’d begged enough, Sanji pulled out of you slowly and plunged back in. He fucked you hard and angled his tip so it pressed on your sensitive spot with each thrust. He rubbed your clit so much that you came within a few minutes, but he wanted to get his fill, so he kept fucking you.

“’s too much Sanji,” your eyes rolled back in your head, and you were shaking from the overstimulation.

“Too much? That’s what you get. That’s what you get for putting yourself in harms way. Do you understand?”

You nodded furiously and didn’t say anything else. The only sounds that left your lips were moans and mewls for him. The overstimulation was overwhelming, but he made it feel so good. Anything he did with his cock was mind-blowing, toe-curling magic.

By the time Sanji came in you, you had absolutely no clue what was going on. The pleasure whisked you away somewhere, but you were brought back to reality by his kisses.

“Good job my love. Don’t forget what you promised me, okay?”

“Mhm, Sanji. I won’t forget. I promise.”

He petted your head then asked you if you wanted to cum again, and of course you said yes.

[saintedbythestorm]

Just read a twitter thread where like everyone went on about how they weren't allowed to have long hair as a kid...

Felt so incredibly out of place cause I was never allowed to cut my long hair instead.

[neon-junkie]

Sinners Prayer

Summary: Dutch has asked you and Micah to tag along for the evening at the Mayor's party, but the catch is that you two have to go as a pretend married couple.

Pairing: Micah Bell x f!Reader

Word Count: 6557

Rating: SFW

Tags: Friends to lovers, Strangers to lovers, Fake relationship/marriage, Saint Denis, Shady Belle, Party, Dress up, Formalwear, Slow burn, First kiss, Flirting.

Notes: God I LOVED writing this, which is why it's sooooo long. I've had this fic idea lingering in my head for months now as I'm a sucker for the whole fake couple/marriage trope, but it feels so good to finally write this<3 

Obsessed is a strong word to use, especially when it's relating to a stranger. But maybe it was the right word because you found yourself swooning over this man over and over, despite barely ever speaking to him. You were in the same camp, sure, but that didn't mean much apart from sometimes riding by his side during a mission, or sitting on the same log as him at the campfire. You'd exchanged few words and you somewhat hoped it'd stay that way, knowing exactly the kind of man he was.

Was this secret obsession something to do with past trauma? your previous encounter with a toxic man that you thought you'd gotten over? or was Micah really just meant to be yours?

But seriously... Micah. Micah Bell. Micah Bell the third, in fact, because somehow his shitty family had managed to breed more than once.

You want to feel sick every time you see him, you really do, just like everybody else in existence does, but you find yourself gazing at him from the other side of camp every single day, so drawn to various little bits of him.

There's the scar on his chin, the one that starts at his split lip, and you're curious as to how he got it, but not as curious as to if you'd be able to feel it when you press your lips against his. You try to tell yourself that his facial hair is stupid, but he always keeps it so neat and clean, and you can't help but wonder what that 'stache would feel like brushing over your thighs as he kissed along them. And his hair, his scraggy shoulder-length hair, the dirty blonde locks that you just want to run your fingers along and grip onto if you had the chance to ride him.

You're doing it again.

You give your head a little shake as you snap out of your daydream, straightening your back and taking a swig of your drink. It's late, and you're enjoying a beer before bed after finishing your shift on guard duty. Micah's sat at his usual space by the campfire in your line of view, and thankfully you haven't zoned out staring at him else, well, that'd be embarrassing.

Micah also seems zoned out, staring at the fire with his hands dangling freely down his sides, one ankle crossed over the other. He lets out a sigh and rolls his head back, staring up at the stars before looking over at you.

Oh shit.

You quickly look away, taking another sip from your drink. You can feel Micah's gaze still on you, but when you do finally peek over, he's back to staring at the fire.

You've accidentally met his gaze a few times before, a mix of you meeting his, and him meeting yours. At least it wasn't always you staring at him, he seems to have an interest in you too, though the two of you rarely ever interacted. Micah had, for some reason, kept his distance from you, despite his blatant and poor attempts of flirting with other women of the camp. Maybe you just weren't his type? But then why would he always stare at you?

Your beer is finally finished and you turn in for the night, following your nightly routine and climbing under your blankets, only to stare at the tent walls and think about Micah.

Ugh. That man, if you can even call him one.

You're a sinner, just like the rest of this crazy bunch that you run with, but it seems whatever Gods float about in the sky continue to ignore your prayers, despite them being desperate.

Please, please can they just stop this attraction to him? Please. There were so many better men out there, a handful of which you run with, but you find yourself worryingly obsessed with this foul man, yet you can't seem to stop it.

You roll onto your side, letting your eyes fall shut and as always, drift to sleep with the hopes that you won't be obsessed when morning comes.

  Morning does come, and oh boy, does it hit you hard.

Dutch was quick to call you upstairs to the balcony by his room, telling you to finish your breakfast first, but hurry up as soon as possible.

"It's a party," Dutch tells you. "The mayors' party," Dutch smirks, raising his hands as if he was waiting for you to jump with joy.

"And...?" you question.

"Well. I've picked a fine bunch to tag alongside me, but I'm asking you specifically to help with a special task. Myself, Hosea, Arthur, and Bill will be mingling as singles, but we need a couple to go. We need a couple to weave their way in there with all the others and see what they can find. Maybe get invited to some fancy private getaway or... whatever it is those upper-class city folk do in their free time," Dutch explains, speaking with his hands as always.

"Dutch," you laugh. "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm unfortunately single," you tell him as you shake your head.

"I know, just like the rest of camp, but I'll make suitable arrangements for you, my dear," Dutch replies.

"What about John and Abigail?" you ask, the only couple that springs to mind.

"I wouldn't dare ask them, not after that whole fiasco that happened with our dear boy Jack," Dutch says as he shakes his head. "You can say no if you want to, but I could really do with this."

You let out a sigh but then ask "what arrangements are you thinking?"

"Well..." Dutch begins. "I wanted you to be a part of this job to begin with, I knew that as a fact. You've got a good charm and I've seen you gussy up folks before. You know exactly what you're doing, and I need that strength right now," Dutch compliments, though his tone of voice and the way his eyes begin to avoid yours makes you fear for the worst.

"Trelawny's going to take you into the city to pick out a dress for you, the women have already said they'll help get you ready for the party-"

"Dutch. Who am I going with?" you cut him off, noticing the way he's avoiding the elephant in the room.

"I put a lot of thought into this, ___. I really have. I've gone through all the members of the camp-"

"Dutch," you sigh as you cut him off again. "Just tell me."

"Micah," Dutch says as his eyes meet yours. "Like I said, you can say no if you'd like. I just know the two of you would be able to make this work, and I could really do with this," he explains.

"Have you already asked him?" you question.

"I have, and he said he's happy with it if you're happy with it," Dutch tells you as he watches your expressions and body language, though you surprise him as you show no signs of discomfort.

"Alright, I'll do it," you shrug.

"Thank you, my dear," Dutch grins as he places a hand on your shoulder. "It's this evening. Trelawny will be waiting for you outside the tailors in Saint Denis, and make sure you're ready a little early. I want time to run through the plan before we set off."

  The Gods were definitely mocking you at this point, sat up there on their high horses, laughing and pointing down at you as they continued to worsen your situation. Really? A party with posh folk? And you have to pretend to be a couple with Micah? You barely know him for starters. What if you two really weren't meant to get along? The last thing you wanted to do was cause a scene after Dutch had asked you so kindly to go in there and fish out information for him.

Trelawny seemed in his usual cheery mood when you met him, helping you pick out something nice. Honestly, the dress is gorgeous, and you feel beautiful wearing it. You have no problem playing dress up, sometimes secretly looking forward to it as you rarely get an occasion to wear something other than your usual attire.

The women shower you with compliments as they help do your makeup, picking out some nice matching jewelry that compliments your facial features, along with a pretty necklace that seemed to draw even more attention to your cleavage. You haven't worn a corset in a while, and the sight of your boobs bulging up against your chest was clearly meant to be a distraction to try and lore out some weaker men. Maybe Micah would end up dragging them off to the side, only to knock their lights out and loot them for "looking at my woman!"

Ugh. Your stomach hadn't stopped turning like a stormy sea the second Dutch had told you who you were going with. You hadn't seen Micah around the camp all afternoon, probably mentally preparing himself for whatever shit-show that was about to happen.

Well, you were ready.

Mary-Beth was quick to run out of the house and draw everybody's attention, attempting to give you some kind of grand reveal, as if the camp had never seen you in a dress before. They have, but this was the fanciest you'd ever worn; with your hair up in a do that took all afternoon to keep in place, and jewels that perfectly matched the shade of your makeup.

"She's ready!" Mary-Beth squealed, attracting the attention of Dutch and Arthur as they lingered over, the rest of the camp perking up their ears and eyes. "Now, you better all flatter her 'cause she seems a little shy, and we spent all afternoon helpin' get her ready, but-"

"Mary-Beth, please," you sigh as you exit the house, not wanting the grand entrance that she would want. There's still a mix of oo's and aah's throughout the camp, and Susan is quick to rush over and take your hands in hers, looking like she's about to cry.

"My dear, you look so wonderful," Susan tells you.

"Thank you, Miss Grimshaw," you reply as you give her hand a little squeeze.

"She's right, ___. Trelawny and our women have excellent taste. Thank you, all of you," Dutch tells them as he speaks to the camp, then turning back to you. "Are you ready, dear?" he asks.

"Physically, yes. Mentally, no," you joke, though you're serious.

"Well, it'll have to do," Dutch nods.

"My my," a dreaded voice calls out. Micah's approaching, stopping just beside Dutch as he speaks to you. "Ain't no way you can go the party like that, sweetheart. You're gonna knock 'em all dead with them pretty looks of yours," Micah compliments.

Your stomach begins to turn again, though you begin to question if you should curse the gods or thank them, because the sight of Micah in a tux is one you could get used to. He's dressed like the other men, a smart black tux with a white shirt and bowtie. He's clearly had a bath, as his hair looks the cleanest you've ever seen it, nearly bunched into a low ponytail with a few loose strands shaping his face. Micah always keeps his facial hair clean, but it's freshly trimmed and perfectly shaped just underneath his jaw.

You notice Arthur already glaring at him in the corner of your eye. Why Dutch didn't ask Arthur to go with you was beyond your knowledge, but something tells you he has a deeper reason behind picking the two of you to go together.

"Thank you, Mister Bell," you softly reply as your eyes meet his.

"Guess that makes you Mrs. Bell for this evening," Micah smiles. "Don't it, Dutch?" he asks as his eyes quickly turn to Dutch's.

"It does! Now, let's all get going before we're even later than we already are. I'll go over the plan on the way there," Dutch huffs as he waves his gloved hands about, hurrying everybody along to the stagecoach that was waiting.

You're about to walk off, but Micah's sudden movement catches your eye. He offers you his hand. "Gotta look the part, darlin'," he tells you.

"Oh! I just remembered!" Micah says as he suddenly moves his hand away, reaching into his pocket to fish out a pair of gold wedding rings that he no doubt had stolen recently, specifically for this event.

"May I?" Micah asks, holding out his hand again. You take it, your soft palms gently settling in rough ones. He flashes you another smile, then flicks his eyes down to focus sliding the wedding ring onto your finger. The sight of that alone is enough to make your knees go weak, but you try your hardest not to pass out, and thankfully Micah doesn't seem to notice how lovesick you're feeling.

The ring is only slightly too big, and hopefully, you'll notice it if it gets close to slipping off. He quickly slips the other one onto his own finger, and takes your hand again, his eyes finally moving away from yours as he leads you over to the stagecoach, following behind the others.

  The ride there isn't too bad, and the plan seems simple enough. Steal nothing, only information. Only your 'husband' was most definitely not going to do that, even if he doesn't tell Dutch about it.

He helps you out the coach, gently tucking your hand around his arm as he walks with you into the party. Surprisingly, Micah didn't bring his guns with him, making a comment to you under his breath about how he doesn't trust anybody with them. That's understandable.

Dutch and Arthur head upstairs to do whatever it is they were going to do, speak to Jack's surrogate father or whatever, leaving you and the others to wait on the balcony.

You rest your hands on the railing, looking down at the mishmash of strangers below. Micah removes his hand from yours, resting it on the small of your back as he turns to speak to you.

"You nervous?" Micah asks.

"I'm sure I won't be after a couple of drinks," you joke, turning your gaze to meet his. You've never seen his expression so soft before, and have his eyes always been that blue? They're an icy shade, maybe a warning sign about his cold heart, but he's making yours burn up with his stupidly sweet smile and that stupid cute little ponytail that he just had to tuck his hair into.

"So now I gotta take care of my drunk wife whilst also lookin' for leads?" Micah jokes back, though there's something about him calling you his 'wife' that makes your stomach turn faster than it ever has before.

"I ain't gonna get drunk!" you laugh. "Your wife can handle herself, thank you very much," you raise your nose jokingly.

"You sure? Cause if I remember rightly, the last time you got drunk you tripped over and almost fell in the campfire," Micah chuckles, watching your expression drop. How did he remember that? That happened months ago!

"I'm a changed woman," you reply, "for tonight," you add.

"Sure you are, Mrs. Bell," Micah grins as he moves a few loose strands off your face. "Then after tonight, you can go back to fallin' into campfires."

"And would my dear husband not save me if he saw me falling into one?" you question.

"I ain't really your husband, sweetheart. Not unless you wanna keep that ring on and keep playin' dress up with me," Micah replies, trying to make it sound like a joke, but you both know that if you said yes, Micah would happily continue your fake marriage.

It's a good thing Dutch arrived when he did, cutting you off as you opened your mouth to speak, but you were thankful as you hadn't even thought of a reply.

Dutch gave you all another pep talk before shooing everybody off on their way, and you were thankful a server passed you as you reached the bottom of the stairs, taking a glass of champagne for yourself and thanking them, Micah grabbing one for himself also.

  Your hand finds Micahs arm and he walks with you a while, eyeing up any obvious leads as you pass through the strangers. You come to a stop at the back of the party, pulling Micah to one side as he rests his hand around your waist. God. You could get used to Micah having his hands on you at all times.

"You see anything obvious yet?" you ask Micah before taking a sip of your champagne. At least it was decent, not having that awful cheesy flavour that cheap bottles had.

"I ain't been lookin'," Micah replies, making you snap your eyes over to his with a little scowl on your face.

"What?" you ask.

"Hard to focus on a bunch of snobby strangers when I got this pretty woman clinging onto me," Micah grins. You realize that your hand had come to rest on his forearm as his hand had found your waist, clinging onto him a little too tightly, your body practically pressed up against his. At least the two of you looked like a couple.

You go to take a step back, but Micah is quick to pull you against him more, holding you firmly in place. "I'm jokin', sweetheart," he tells you. "I've spotted a few here 'n' there."

"You better not be lyin'," you tut.

"You not trust your own husband?" Micah smirks, chuckling even whilst he has a sip of his drink. "Besides, we ain't even planned our story yet. How we gonna mingle with other couples when we don't even know how we met? Or when we got married?" Micah asks.

He's right, the two of you had no time to prepare your story, but you're far from earshot of these strangers, so now would be a good time to get your stories straight.

"Well, what have you got planned then? Seeing as you brought this up?" you question.

"Nothin'," Micah shrugs. "I figured I'd ask my lady, seeing as you women tend to fantasize about these situations." You can't deny that, because little does Micah know, you've had a few fantasies about the two of you getting together for quite some time now.

"Do I look like the type for romances, Micah?" you ask.

"Do I?" Micah replies. Good point.

"Well..." you sigh, trying to think of a few ideas. "You plan how we met, and I'll plan our wedding?"

"Sure, darlin'," Micah nods as he finishes off his drink.

"Wait here. I'll go get us a refill," you say as you take Micahs empty glass, finishing off your own, and wandering off back into the party to find your next round of booze.

Micah watches you leave, tucking his hand into his pockets to fish out a cigarette to enjoy whilst he waits and ponders.

  Finding a server wasn't hard, and you thanked them as you swapped your glasses over. On your walk back you overheard another couple talking about how they met, saying she was a server on one of the ferries and he was there to gamble, only he ended up spending the night distracting her from her job.

You find your way back to Micah, who's just finished his cigarette, stomping it out on the ground with his polished black shoes. "I picked you up at a bar," Micah tells you as you hand him his drink.

"What? No," you scoff, scrunching your face up at the generic and boring backstory.

"What else you got then, sweetheart?" Micah asks before taking a sip from his drink.

"I just overheard a couple say that they met on one of those gambling ferries. She was a waitress and he spent the whole night chattin' her up."

"You wanna steal their backstory?" Micah tuts. "Dutch said we shouldn't be stealin," he says as he shakes his head jokingly.

"We'll just change it a little... I was a bartender and you spent the night chatting me up," you suggest.

"A woman bartender?" Micah questions your suggestion.

"Times are changing, Micah. It's believable," you reply, getting a little defensive.

"I didn't mean it like that," Micah says as he raises his hand. "I like it. And we met 4 years back, got married in April last year. How's that sound?" he asks.

"Good," you nod, realizing that you'd done each other's jobs rather than the ones you assigned. "You ready to mingle?" you ask him.

"Fine," Micah sighs.

  Neither of you wants to do this, both forcing a fake smile and kind accents as you speak to the strangers. After an hour, you haven't found much, a few mentions of summer homes and private boats, but nothing within the area.

You're a few more glasses in, beginning to feel ever so slightly tipsy, but you needed that buzz to help you get through the smugness of these strangers.

"You want another?" you ask Micah who has barely sipped on his current one. He's only drunk a glass less than you have, but he doesn't seem affected, though his tolerance is probably higher than yours.

"I'm alright, my love. I'll wait here for you," Micah tells you as he moves his hand off your waist, letting you wander off into the crowd.

You're still not used to the pet names, but you hope they continue to roll out of Micahs mouth, seeing as you no longer had that sickly feeling in your stomach. It seems your nerves had finally calmed down, being replaced by a warm and gentle buzz instead, though that's probably the alcohol in your system.

You thank the waiter as you take another glass and turn to leave, but overhear the most hideous voice you've ever heard call out to the same man you just thanked. You attempt to walk away, but quickly stop and look over your shoulder, face scrunching up at the sight of quite possibly the rudest woman you've ever seen, if you can even call her a woman.

She drones on and on, insulting this poor stranger that was only trying to do his job. God. The way she spoke to him made you sick, and before that little voice in the back of your head can stop you, you've already approached her and cut her off, attempting to speak to her sweetly.

"Are you an entertainer?" you ask.

"What on earth are you yapping about?" She questions as she looks you up and down in disgust.

"Well, it's a very good act you've got going on here. Playing the stereotypical obnoxious upper-class woman, though I wouldn't recommend performing it when you're not on stage," you respond, acting as if you genuinely thought she was a man in drag.

"Well, I never!" She squeals. "You've got some lip on you, little girl. Do you now know who I am?"

"Oh, I do apologize, madam. What's your act called? Maybe I'll drop by to hear you squeal on stage next time I pass the theatre."

You can't hold back the grin creeping across your face as the stranger's face turns red, her huffing and puffing attracting a handful of eyes nearby. Thankfully, the poor served had managed to sneak off, so at least she wouldn't take it out on him any more than she already had.

She goes to open her mouth again but is quickly cut off when Micah appears by your side.

"Oh, I do apologize for my wife's behaviour," Micah says with a wave of his hand. "Sweetheart!" he says as he turns to you, putting his arm around your waist and beginning to walk you away. "What have I told you about feeding the animals?" he says in clear earshot of the woman.

The both of you don't get to see the woman explode as you rush off, but your grins are as wicked as each others as you lead Micah to the back of the party, giggling devilishly.

You can still hear the woman protesting as she's asked to leave, and is eventually dragged out, which was more than satisfying to watch. The party returns to how it formerly was, the strangers barely looking your way as it seems you'd done everybody a favour.

Your eyes meet Micahs, his arm still wrapped around your waist as your hand rests on his shoulder, your body pressed against his. Both of your grins remain there as the two of you look at each other, suddenly realizing just how pressed up you were against your 'husbands' body.

"I ain't seen that fire in you before, sweetheart," Micah tells you.

"There's a lot of me you ain't seen, Micah," you reply.

"Ooooh," Micah sighs as he chuckles. His head dips down slightly, speaking more directly into your ear but far enough that he can still see your reaction. "Well if you'd be so kind as to show me," he flirts.

Your knees feel like giving up on you, and you're thankful that Micah's grip is tight enough around your waist to hold you upright. You go to open your mouth and invite him to find out, but you're cut off before you can even make a sound.

  "Mister and Mrs. Bell?" A familiar voice asks. Both of your smiles fade as you turn to see Dutch standing there, his brows slightly furrowed. "What the hell was that?" he whispers through gritted teeth.

"She deserved it," Micah shrugs, his voice returning to his usual tone as he softens his grip on you.

"What happened?" he whispers.

"Dutch, trust me, anybody would have done the same. It seems I did everyone here a favour," you reassure him.

"I don't care if she deserved it or not. Just stop drawing attention to yourselves, please!" Dutch hisses.

Micah raises his hand innocently, "sure, boss," he says.

"We'll keep quiet," you add on.

"Thank you, now go and mingle," Dutch attempts to force a smile, waving his hands about as he encourages you to head back into the crowd.

He doesn't walk away, so you're forced to drag Micah back into the handful of strangers and continue where you left off, doing whatever you can to find at least a little something to take back to the camp.

Thanks for ruining the moment, Dutch.

  The whole time you're speaking to these strangers, all you can think about is the flirtatious glisten Micah had in his eyes when he said that line. His hand is around your waist once more, only you're well aware of the way his hand is slowly trailing down you, eventually resting on your tailbone, a little too close to your ass, though you wish he'd move his hand a little lower.

A stranger quickly thanks you for having that woman kicked out of the party, and your bitching session about her is cut short from the loud bang coming from the sky. You almost drop your drink, surprised to hear what sounds like gunshots, only to turn and see the sky glowing an array of colours.

They're fireworks. You've heard about them before but never seen them, and despite how pretty they are, you wish they were a little quieter. Sure, you're a gunslinger, but loud noises still make you jump, despite being somewhat used to them.

Micah stands almost directly behind you, moving his hand to your hip as he pressed his body against yours. You relax against him, your back pressed against his chest and shoulder. Micah places his empty glass on a tray that trails past him, using that same hand to brush a few strands of hair from your face, catching your attention as you move your gaze off the fireworks.

"You think we're doing a good job, sweetheart?" Micah asks.

"A good job of what, exactly?" you reply.

"You know exactly what I'm on about," he chuckles. His gaze was soft on you to begin with, but it softens out even more as you make him laugh.

"I think we're doing well, but we can always do better," you flirt.

"Oh?" Micah smirks, picking up on your hints. "And how are we gonna do that, my love?"

Micah boldly places a gentle kiss to your temple, your heart fluttering as his 'stache brushes against your skin, a lot softer than you thought it'd be.

"Well, for a start, you could kiss my lips rather than my temple," you reply, just as boldly as his move.

"That so?" he smiles.

"It is so, darling," you reply.

"Just you wait," Miah grins, kissing your temple again. "I ain't gonna let that happen in the middle of these folk," he explains.

"That's alright, Mister Bell. I can wait," you reply as you rest your head against the crook of his neck, angling upwards so you can continue to watch the fireworks.

Micah places another kiss to your temple before wrapping his arms around your waist, enjoying the way your hand rests on top of his, the other one still holding your glass. He continues to place gentle kisses against you every so often, holding your back firmly against his chest.

Little do you know that Micah's heart is also racing just as fast as yours, his stomach feeling just as sick and his knees feeling just as weak. All those times he'd accidentally met your gaze from across the camp were times when he'd been admiring you, watching you from afar as he tries to figure out a non-creepy and non-cheesy way to talk to you.

When it comes to one night stands and quick hook-ups, Micah will blurt a few stereotypical pickup lines out and hope for the best, but he's been lovesick the second he saw you, and his feelings continued to grow the more he saw your personality come out within the camp. He felt a little jealous at first, finding a woman who's just as good with a gun and knife as he is, but the thought of "but what if she was mine?" struck his mind, and he then decided that he just had to have you.

Micah struggles to talk to women, he's barely interacted with them, and it's even worse growing up without a female role model in his life. But the camp continued to move and hunt for money, and when Micah found out that Dutch was invited to the mayors' party, he finally saw his chance. Despite trying to recommend taking another set of hands along, without Micah making it obvious that he wanted an excuse to talk to you, Dutch quickly picked up on what was going on and decided to stir the pot even more.

Originally, Micah just thought Dutch could do with his help and maybe take one of the ladies, but Dutch is smart and picks up on little things like the two of you admiring each other from afar. Dutch grinned as he thanked Micah for his suggestion, and then said he could do with a fake couple there so they had all their options open. Micah was quick to dip his hat over his face and blurt out "sure boss, I'll leave it to you," scurrying off when he realized that he'd dug this hole a lot deeper than it was meant to go, but he swallowed his fear and went along with it.

  And here the two of you are, Micah leading you over to the gazebo at the back of the mayors' house to have a "little talk about the leads we've found." There's another couple stood on one side, but the gazebo is big enough so if the two of you stand on the other side and speak under your breaths then they won't hear you.

"Well, what you think?" Micah asks as he gently removes your hand from around his arm, holding it lightly in both of his hands as he leans back against the railing, crossing one ankle over the other.

"We got a few bit here 'n' there. It ain't been easy," you shrug. It seems that despite every single person here being an obnoxious prick, they had their guards up around strangers, not letting things slip out too easily.

"But have you had fun?" Micah chuckles.

"I've had fun playing dress-up with you, Micah," you grin, noting the way Micah's fidgeting with the ring on your finger, probably slightly nervous.

"We can always do it again some time," he flirts. "Maybe go to one of them fancy poker games they host at the saloon here," Micah suggests.

"Oh, I bet you'd enjoy that," you giggle. "Gambling, liquor, and me sittin' on your lap."

"How could I not enjoy that?" Micah asks as he stands upright. "But is it a sin if I do enjoy it?" Micah asks, his tone turning slightly stern as he looks into your eyes.

"Do you want it to be?" you ask, watching as Micah moves your hand from his to rest on his shoulder, his hands finding your waist.

"I ain't really bothered, sweetheart," Micah tells you with a little shrug. "Sin or not, I'll have you on my lap, so I'll be happy," he adds.

"You know, we ain't gotta play dress up again just for you to have me sit on your lap," you flirt as your other hand comes to rest on his shoulder, slowly wrapping around his neck.

"Don't say that, darlin'. Cause we both know that you'll get tired of me constantly takin' up that offer," Micah jokes.

"You think I'm gonna get tired of you, Mister Bell?"

"You might," Micah says with a shrug. He moves one hand off your waist to gently cup your chin, making sure your eyes are on his. "Mrs. Bell," he says with a grin, noticing the way your heart flutters at the sound of it.

"I bet you I won't," you smile.

"We'll just have to see about that, won't we?"

"We will, Mister Bell."

Micah gently moves his hand from your chin, gently brushing it along your jawline as he cups it, his thumb rubbing slowly over your cheek. You melt into his touch, and the sight of that is enough to pop Micah's patience.

He finally dips his head down, gently pressing his lips against yours, though he's not surprised when you begin to kiss back, deepening the kiss. Micah's hand moves from your cheek, joining the other one around your waist as he holds onto you, pulling your body against his.

Despite how firmly his lips are pressed against yours, his moustache is a lot softer than you imagined, running against your upper lip, lightly tickling you. There's the strong taste of champagne on his lips, and a faint taste of tobacco on his tongue as he slides it against yours. It's a good thing Micah has your body pressed up against his, holding you firmly, as you can feel your knees getting weaker by the second.

Micah lets out a soft sigh as he moves one hand to gently cup the back of your head. Your fingertips brush against his low ponytail, a style that you hoped to see him wear again. Maybe he'll keep it for this upper-class poker date that you'd both just planned, and even though neither of you said it was a date, the way you were gazing at each other says otherwise.

  There's a sudden cough, and that's when you realize that someones been coughing to get your attention a few times now. You were far too engulfed in locking lips with your 'husband' that you didn't notice poor Arthur standing a few feet away, trying to get both of your attention.

Micah momentarily breaks the kiss to mumble "go away, Morgan," before bringing your lips back to his, continuing where you left off.

"We're leavin', Micah," Arthur tells him in a stern voice.

Micah ignores him, and although you feel bad for Arthur being there, you're not willing to break this kiss for anything. You've waited far too long for this.

"You two, come on," Arthur sighs, and Micah finally breaks away from you.

"Fine," Micah frowns as his gaze meets Arthurs. Arthur ignores his attitude and walks off, heading through the slowly-dispersing crowd to find the others.

Micah doesn't say anything but flashes you a cheeky smile as he offers his arm once more. You take it, and he leads you through the party, meeting the others who are already climbing into the stagecoach when you arrive.

Micah does most of the talking on the way back, telling the others about the few leads the two of you had found. His hand rests on your knee the whole journey back, and Dutch seems to notice it, smiling to himself.

When you arrive back at camp, Micah offers you his hand as he helps you down from the stagecoach, and despite being back, his hand still lingers in yours whilst you say goodnight to everyone.

"You want me to walk you home, Mrs. Bell?" Micah jokes.

"Oh, you're so kind, offering to walk me ten steps," you giggle.

Micah does it anyway, stopping outside your tent.

"I err..." Micah gulps, his eyes flicking around the camp, then back to you. "I had fun tonight. Now I know we didn't get many leads, but I still enjoyed myself."

"I did too. Maybe we'll make up for our losses when we go on that upper-class poker mission," you smile. Micah's eyes widen a little.

"You were serious about that?" he asks, a tint of doubt to his voice.

"I was. But I understand if you're tired of pretending to be my husband already," you jokingly sigh, bringing a smile back to Micah's face.

"I ain't ever gonna get tired of it. But if you're up for it, then well, I guess I better start lookin' for a way to make it happen," Micah replies.

"You let me know as soon as you find it."

"Anyway, I ain't gonna keep you up. You get to bed, sweetheart," Micah says as he takes hold of your hand, placing a gentle kiss against your knuckles.

"You still ain't learned where my lips are, have you?" you flirt, watching Micah's eyes light up at your comment.

"I guess you better show me then, Mrs. Bell," Micah grins, his face dipping down to meet yours as you lean up to kiss him, your arms wrapping around his neck once more.

Micah doesn't keep you up for too long, softly kissing you goodnight and finally letting you turn in. You hear him walk away as you close your tent flaps, taking your time to get undressed and get ready for bed. The whole time you're changing, your stomach is still turning with butterflies, in shock at tonight's turn of events, even though you adored all of them.

In some ways, the Gods finally did answer your prayers, giving you the sinner you fawned over rather than taking your feelings away. Either outcome would have been fine, but you definitely preferred this one, especially now you had a date lined up.

Maybe those romances that Mary-Beth reads aren't so silly after all.

[rosaetae]

the chrysanthemum effect | 10

[this chapter is apart of the chrysanthemum effect]

☇ “Keeping your flowers, keeping your pain— it’s already everything you need to move on. How do you move on from things if you’re not willing to accept them?“

➣  pairing: taehyung x reader

➣  genre: hanahaki!au, model!taehyung, weddingplanner(ish)!au  

➣  word count: 3.2k

➣  a/n: hiya! this is the last chapter of the chrysanthemum effect series! i literally am sooooo grateful for all of the reviews that i’ve been given for this series, it makes me so glad that all of u love it :) also i will be uploading an epilogue so stay tuned for that bc the epilogue is rlly important!

➣  summary: the hanahaki disease has become a stigma in this world where if you had it, you are looked down upon. her flowers were white chrysanthemums and they have been for the past two years. she was in love with someone who obviously didn’t feel the same way, and this was her way of moving on— along with the people in her life who had to conform around the hanahaki disease.

Taehyung thought that the only words he would say to you that night would be compliments and sweet nothings in regard to your stunning and breathtaking appearance, but now he's thinking up a billion things to say all at once— if he even gets the chance to say something to you, that is.

But seeing that that was physically impossible, he continuously blamed himself in that hospital waiting room.

As Somin laid her head on Hoseok's shoulder, puffy eyes closed as Hoseok urged her to get some rest, Taehyung sat impatiently and guiltily in that chair, his mind trying to grasp the situation at hand because it's not every day that the person and soul you realized you loved and will always love so much is going to forget every single remnant of you.

He glances over at the couple-not-so-couple. Hoseok's blazer over Somin who only had worn her black gown from the soiree and Hoseok's head leaning just slight over her head holding her hand in his lap.

Taehyung nearly scoffs.

He finds it oddly ironic and entertaining that there is a couple right in front of him, both who feel the same way about each other, but both who do not want to move over the fine line that is commitment issues and labelling. It was like the universe put them there to laugh at Taehyung and his position because how almost amusing it was that any one of them can tell the other how they feel, yet they won't, and here he is, wishing it was you sleeping on his shoulder, holding his hand, wishing that it was you wearing his blazer draped over your body, and wishing that he could've told you everything he wanted to tell you.

God, he must sound desperate— desperate and selfish. But he's got every reason to.

He'd tell you how he wanted to go back to you that day and how the day when he left everything was the day he wanted to turn back around and go back to you, but he couldn't, and he'd tell you how that him leaving abruptly was no excuse and that he was grateful to the stars that you let him in again, even when he knew it was not a territory he should cross, and he'd tell you how much that the past months of being with you at his side was unlike anything else and how it was like he almost never left— almost— and he'd tell you how terribly sorry he was even though it wouldn't have made a fucking difference, bu he'd say it until the very end of the line, because Taehyung could say a billion things to you to make the pain go away, but he knew his words would never be enough.

Because as he sits there, the universe laughing at his face as he realizes that you'll be gone from him, he cannot deny the one thing that brought him sitting there in the first place.

It was all his fault.

When you wake up and suddenly become aware that you're awake, it's confusing.

At first, the lights hurt your eyes, so blinking constantly was something you could tell you were doing. It felt similar as to just waking up from a long nap.

Once your eyes adjusted to the brightness of the light, you turn over your head over to the side, realizing that a form was curled up in one of the chairs, sleeping soundly. Telling from her pajamas and dark hair, you knew it was Somin and as if on cue, she immediately woke up, her body snapping up as you waited until she noticed your awoken stance.

As she sat on the chair, she peers over at you, her tired eyes immediately growing alerted before she's rushing over to your side.

"You're awake," she observes as you nod, a weak smile on your face.

"Barely," you laugh, before you realize that tears are brimming her eyes. "How long was I gone for?"

Before Somin can answer, the door is opening. You both suddenly turn your attention to the door in which Doctor Wren walks in, but stops when he sees that your eyes are open and you're meekly waving at him. Your mind was a bit hazy, but you can make out the circular glasses

"Hi," you awkwardly say and he lets out a grateful sigh.

"You're awake," he says, almost relieved, making his way over to the side with the heart monitor replaying your constant heart beat faintly. "How do you feel?"

"Fine," you answer. "How long was I asleep?"

"Not long after the surgery took place," he says writing something down on his clipboard. You furrow your eyebrows, your mind is slow but you do recall getting surgery. "Three days."

"Three days?" You gape as he nods.

"It's normal," he says. "You were responsive, just not entirely awake. At least your words are coherent now."

You slowly nod, looking over at Somin who squeezes your hand. And soon enough, the door opens again, and it was unusual because everything was moving at unsteady rates. When the door is opening, it was like in slow motion, and you had to blink several times to make sense of your surroundings.

And that is, until your eyes focus on someone who is just as relieved as Somin and Doctor Wren was to see that you're awake. He walks over to Somin, laying his hand on her shoulder.

"Hey, sugartits," Hoseok says quietly. "Look who finally woke up."

"Shut up, Hoseok," you state, a laugh coming out of your mouth.

You don't realize your own laughter is dying down until it comes to a full on stop when you realize that when the door opened, not just Hoseok came into the room.

And just then, you felt tears prick your eyes.

Maybe you were staring at the person too long or maybe it was the way you froze up or maybe it was the tears that burned down your cheeks because Somin's constant voice of 'what's wrong' is echoing in your ear and the sound of your heart monitor was fastening. You don't particularly know why, but looking at him— it was like an inherent reaction.

"___," Doctor Wren says your name sharply, pulling you out of the trance you were in, placing a hand on your arm. "What's wrong?"

"Taehyung," you choke out. The name you were supposed to forget rolling out of your tongue scares you just as much as it scares the people around you. "I remember him."

"Taehyung," Doctor Wren approaches Taehyung, calmly.

Taehyung felt his whole world stop when his name flew out of your mouth. He didn't even realize that he was pulled out by some of the nurses, but he was aware that his mind was in a frivolous frenzy that he. had to sit on one of the waiting chairs outside your room.

Running his hands down his face, Taehyung looks up at the doctor, trying to conjure up words as a reponse as to what just happened.

"Why did you come back?"

Taehyung looks at him, confused for a moment, only to recall that Doctor Wren has been your doctor ever since you were diagnosed with the disease. He probably knew you from a different perspective.

"Work."

"Okay, let me rephrase this," he says. "Why did you come back into ___'s life?"

Why did Taehyung come back into your life? It was a question he never properly pondered on, thinking that it didn't matter because you talked to him as if it didn't. He had no intentions of hurting you all over again, nor did he think he'd fall back in love with you, but simply because he cares— he truly cares about you.

"I... I don't know," Taehyung replies.

Doctor Wren nods slowly, sitting next to him on the chair, Taehyung letting out an exasperated sigh.

"I didn't know she had Hanahaki, Doctor Wren. I didn't know that me leaving would give her flowers."

"Here's a better question for you, then. Why did you leave her?"

Taehyung raises his eyes to meet his, realizing that it was a genuine question that you never touched upon— but he couldn't blame you. He left sporadically without so much of a reason.

"I wasn't okay," Taehyung said, honestly and truly. "I was never okay, really. And when I met ___, she made things feel okay. But it's true when they say that love doesn't fix all things, because I realized that even when I'm with her, I wasn't okay. Then I found myself running away again, but I didn't think she would still be in love with me. I thought she would have forgotten about me, moved onto someone who wasn't going to leave her all of a sudden."

"Why'd you stop loving her?"

Taehyung shrugs. "It wasn't that I stopped loving her, it was that I had to tell myself that she's no longer mine. The minute I thought about her, I made myself think about her with someone else. You know, someone deserving. And I guess I stopped thinking about her all together eventually."

"Did she come to mind when you moved back?"

Taehyung pauses. "Yes. When I found out that I'd be moving back to this city, she immediately popped up in my head."

"Taehyung," Doctor Wren begins, a knowing look on his face.

"Did you ever think that you had lingering feelings for ___?"

Scrunching his eyebrows, Taehyung opens his mouth, but Doctor Wren cuts him off.

"And that's why you came back into her life when you moved back? And maybe along the way you realized that maybe you've fallen in love with her again?"

Taehyung, mouth open, closes it, unsure what to say back. However, Doctor Wren with a smug look on his face took his silent answer to his own, before standing up from the chair next to him.

"Stay here."

There's a fine line between the one you love and the one who loves you.

The one you love, is the one person you want eternal happiness for— not with— but for. It's almost upsetting because ideally you would want an eternal happiness with them— to live a lifetime of love and happiness with them, but when you love someone that much, you don't wish something under the circumstance that it's with you, but regardless. Arguably, the upsetting part is that when you wish happiness for them, you don't realize how much you love them until they're happy without you.

The one who loves you can show their love a little differently. Be it that they seem to love you more, or they seem to love you less. And for some reason, they will never seem to love you the same. Let it be them to be the reason for your own destruction. 

Similarly, one can leave you to your own spill of flowers, the other will leave to spill their flowers for you.

Somin is squeezing your hand as you're sitting up on the hospital bed.

Doctor Wren left the room to reread your scans as your heart has come down to a slow while your mind doing the complete opposite. And in the midst of it, you would see on the other side of the door window that Doctor Wren was talking to Taehyung.

You, on the other hand, retrace every single memory you had with Taehyung, and they were just as vivid as if it were yesterday you experienced all of them at once. You think of all the possible ways that this could have happened.

Did Doctor Wren forget a petal? Did the surgery just not work for you because you kept it in for so long? Is it because it reached your lungs, Hanahaki is irreversible?

Mind in a frenzy, you don't notice when Doctor Wren walks in, until he's standing at the foot of your bed, tapping the clipboard with his pen.

"I don't want to say it's a miracle," Doctor Wren says aloud, looking up to see Somin's eyes. "But I will say this is a special case."

Somin raises an eyebrow as your breath is held. "What do you mean?"

"___ has been suppressing her flowers for over two years now. Medications and her suppressing tactics led to an influx of flowers in her system that eventually grew into her lungs. But after talking to Taehyung, I think, in the middle of suppression, he must have reciprocated those feelings for her."

Your neck nearly snaps when you look at him so fast. Reciprocation? In what circumstance?

Hoseok speaks up from his chair. "So what exactly are you saying, Doc?"

"We successfully removed all her flowers from her stomach and lungs, but because Taehyung reciprocated feelings for her, her memories of Taehyung stayed."

The reaction in the room was mutual, it seems, because Somin is silent, Doctor Wren is silent, Hoseok is silent, and you're silent.

You shake your head, blinking up at him. "Reciprocation?" You nearly laugh. "How can you be sure?"

Doctor Wren, you notice, looks over at Somin and Hoseok before looking over back at you. "That's something you should talk to him about."

Your eyes avert to the door before realizing that you can't really shy away from this situation— especially since he heard you say his name clearly and recognizably.

In that instant, you nod understandingly as Doctor Wren motions the two to walk out of your room, quickly emptying the room to trade them with the person you didn't know whether to be happy or sad seeing.

So when the room is empty, and it's just you sitting up on the bed, you stare at him with a bittersweet smile. It was bitter because you realize that he knows you had been in love with him even when he lost all feelings and sweet because you realize that he knows that your memories of him didn't go away because regained those feelings.

"I said to save me a dance," he begins with a nervous chuckle followed. "Not a spot next to your hospital bed."

Admittedly, his light-hearted joke makes you laugh, shaking your head at him. "I don't know what you're talking about, I think this is an upgrade from a dance."

Taehyung, trying to compose himself, lets out a laugh before he's sitting down next to you while you lay on the bed.

"So," he starts, letting himself linger, really unsure how to begin anything in regard to this whole regard, and you don't blame him.

Noticing this, you let out a light sigh, looking down at your thumbs fiddling with each other. "This wasn't supposed to happen."

"What wasn't?"

You laugh slightly, before shrugging. "Everything, really. Surely you know I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you and I wasn't supposed to be heartbroken. Wasn't supposed to throw up chrysanthemums, wasn't supposed to get the surgery, and I wasn't supposed to remember you, either, but I guess... here we are."

"Here we are," he repeats, nodding.

"But I guess it's alright. After all, I—"

"I wanted to go back to you that day," Taehyung blurts out, cutting you off abruptly. "When I left that day, I wanted to go back to you."

You stayed silent.

"I don't know why I didn't, and I guess it's no excuse. But, when I came back, I didn't think you would be here. Sincerely, I didn't. But I saw you outside that charity event,  and I thought that maybe that this was my second chance. And then I found out about your flowers and that you kept inside for as long as I was gone and then you decided to take the surgery and I was so scared of losing you—"

"Hey," you bring your hand to his face to calm him down. "Taehyung, you didn't lose me."

"I lost you once," his voice cracks. "I didn't want to lose you again."

"And you won't," you tell him, eyes searching for his. "You said you wanted to come back to me. And you eventually did."

As you tell him this, you hear him elicit a half-hearted scoff.

"It's alright. I remember you."

He looks at you for a mere second, letting out another scoff. "You sound disappointed."

"Can't say it's exactly been a pleasing ride," you sarcastically state.

"How about the fact that you remember me," he says, a tone of hopefulness evident in his voice. "Are you— I don't know— disappointed... even just a bit?"

You stare at him, taking in his expressions and his stance before you let out another soft sigh, a smile on your face that still leaves him on edge.

"The whole reason why I had my flowers for two years is because I didn't want to forget you, Taehyung. Having my flowers removed, but not forgetting you? How could I be disappointed?"

"Are you sure?"

"For someone who didn't want to be forgotten, you're really pushing it."

"Could you blame me? You started crying when you saw me."

You let out a laugh. "It's because I missed you, I reacted like that. I wasn't supposed to even remember you, let alone have my heart beat out of control when seeing you, but it did. So to even remember you, Taehyung? Could you blame me?"

"You missed me, huh?"

"It's all I do," you say casually, not missing the way a ghost of a smile paints his lips.

"So," he says as you couldn't mentally decipher what was going on in your head at that moment. Should you feel joy, you weren't sure. "What do you want to do?"

Looking at him adoringly without any shame or hindrance, you shrug. "I don't know."

Taehyung lets out a warm chuckle as you made an unsure face, staring at him and realizing that you didn't have to forget him, not anymore.

"I think I want time for myself," you tell him honestly and truly after letting out a sigh, eyes averting to the door, watching Somin speak to Doctor Wren behind it, a look of concern and almost relief on her face. "I don't know, I've spent almost three years being in love with you and two of which I spent suppressing these flowers," you say with a cryptic laugh. "I don't regret any of it, but you know... it'd be nice to finally breathe. Just for a little while."

The feeling in your heart wasn't pain anymore.

The sole thought of you having to deal with the disease was no longer deemed as something pitiful in the back of your head any longer. And when you look at Taehyung— chestnut haired, starry-eyed, dream-like Taehyung, that expectant feeling in your stomach that always brought upsetting notions no longer being evident or present, you could finally breathe.

"Okay."

A smile forms on your lips out of subtle surprise. "Okay?"

"Okay," he repeats firmly. "It's about what you want, not what anyone else wants. I didn't even know after all these years you were still in love with me— which is flattering—"

You nudge him, eliciting a soft chuckle from his mouth. "Don't push it, Tae."

Tae. You haven't called him that in years.

"Whatever you do," he begins, grabbing your hand in his, clasping it with the other. "I respect it."

And in such a heart-wrenching way, he moves both of your hands to his lips, bringing so much life into your body more than you've ever known.

"It's my turn to wait for you."

[twilightofthe]

SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE EPISODE 9 BENEATH THE CUT.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

S O . . .

Honestly I’m kinda really glad I spoiled myself for this movie because I got really really upset by the reviews and went in with my expectations basically on the floor, so I was actually able to be pleased and happy with a couple things in the movie, so I will start off with the few things I did like.

I loved the Rey/Finn/Poe dynamic.  The actors’ chemistry works sooooo well together and I loved their adventure through the first two acts.  You can see how much these guys all genuinely like each other-- even tho the script seems to try VERY HARD to stick Poe and Finn with the worst case of “NO HOMO NO HOMO”-ing I’ve seen in Star Wars since Anakin and Obi Wan in The Clone Wars lol.  Seriously, the script is trying so so hard to pick fights between Poe and Finn, but blessed amazing Oscar Isaac and John Boyega manage to play it so the entire conflict reads more like Poe is jealous of Finn’s feelings over Rey, they act it VERY MUCH like quarreling lovers and it is completely 100% the work of John and Oscar and I love these two so much, I owe them my life.

I adore Rey and Finn’s chemistry too, they spend the entire film with Finn desperately worrying over Rey and Rey confiding her worries and fears to Finn and constantly giving each other looks and ugh, I love them so much.

Force Sensitive!Finn!!!  Just for a second but it happened!  They should have been more blatant but I like that he canonically is!!!

Just in general, I’ve always been a Jedistormpilot shipper, and I feel the ending really leaves that as an open option I will happily take.

The bits with the Resistance and Leia did the best they could with Carrie’s footage.  It was choppy and kinda obvious that footage was all they had to work with, but they tried their hardest and given what little they had to work with, I will unhappily accept it and the fact that Leia had little to no role in the story.  I’m still really upset about it and her character’s death was so damn anticlimactic, but it was what happened.

Billy Dee Williams was charming and awesome as Lando, I loved seeing him, and he did a wonderful job, even if he was just a nostalgia cameo.

3PO was entertaining as ever!  I liked him!  They definitely sidelined R2 way too much, but I was glad to see 3PO and I was glad that he didn’t permanently lose his memory!  The only thing I was kinda ehhh about was the bit with the dagger and the Sith language because the way he was suddenly able to translate it after not being able to translate it?????  Did not make sense at all???????????

Abrams fucking got me with the nostalgia for a second during the Luke Force Ghost scene.  I’m sorry, but I was so happy to see that Leia had done a bit of Jedi training then chose to give it up, I loved the callback to Yoda lifting the X-Wing but then Luke’s ghost did it-- COMPLETE WITH THE OG MUSIC!!!!!  Mark knocked it out of the park and I just love seeing him.

Same for Ian and Sidious!  While I personally did not like the Sidious plot at all and I will expand more on that later, I loved seeing Mr. McDiarmid again and he always just fills me with a bit of glee being his dramatic Palpy self because he’s just as good and as hatable as he’s always been and I thank him for it.

I think that was about it for what I liked, and honestly that was all the work of the talented actors and me being happy to see them pulling off their characters to the best of their abilities.  The plot itself???  Ehhhhhhhhhh.....

Look, as I mentioned before, I liked the Jedistormpilot mission.  That was fun.  

The entire Resistance plot?  Way way way too staggered and jumped around too much, not going into detail, felt a lot like it was trying to cram in everything with little payoff and not much emphasis placed on the importance of its plan so the audience really doesn’t get time to register everything that’s happening with them, let alone care about them

Naomi Ackie did a charming job with Jannah, I would have liked it if her entire plot didn’t kinda invalidate Finn’s overall story arc.  I get they were trying to say “oh look!  Finn’s not alone!  There are other ex-stormtrooper rebels!  Just like Finn!!!”  Instead what it looks like is saying basically that Finn isn’t special, Finn’s defection wasn’t important overall, literally everyone does it, and it means nothing.

(Also going off of this, it really felt like JJ caved to the TLJ hate and totally sidelined Rose, she did like jacksquat in this and I’m mad)

The thing is, I don’t think the Resistance plot and the search for Palpy mission would have been as scattered and rushed and disorganized IF: Rey Palpatine wasn’t a thing, Reylo wasn’t a thing, and Force Ghosts were utilized more.

Look, I was fine with Palpy coming back (on a condition).  Someone had to be the big bad and Disney is too worried about toy sales for it to ever be Kylo, so I knew Sidious could work-- provided they brought back the Skywalkers whose stories were intertwined with his and involved them in his ultimate downfall somehow.

I was fine with Rey Nobody. I was a little mad all the Skywalker legacy was going to her without her earning it really, but I figured that if the final film connected her with the Skywalkers properly, it would be fine, she had time to earn it.

Instead, we got little to no Skywalkers-- one Luke scene that meant nothing to the plot, scraped together Leia footage they could only take so far, and a fucking muddled voiceover from the man who Sidious screwed over the most, the one who originally killed him, the one who should have been THERE.  Look, I should have known they would never actually bring Anakin back, but dammit, he SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE.  HE SHOULD HAVE.  This was his story originally, like it or not, and the entire goddamn Sequel Trilogy never so much as said his name, even when they brought back the creep that destroyed his life and he was supposed to give his own to defeat.

Literally no one asked for the Rey Palpatine plot.  It made no sense, you feel nothing for her “heroic” parents because you know literally nothing about either of them, the convoluted logic on why/why not Sidious wants her alive makes no sense.  His goal makes no sense, it’s confusing, so he wants Kylo to kill her but he also doesn’t, he wants Rey there so she can kill him and he can transfer his life force into her and then he’ll bring the Sith back somehow with all that hooded crowd on the bottom of Exetor???  Where did they even come from??  What happened to the canon saying all the dead Sith were on Korriban?  How is Palpy even gonna use Rey to bring back the other Sith????  When can his ghost/zombie corpse/whatever the fuck he is just fucking pull life energy out of people’s chests?  

What they should have focused on instead of the timeline devoted to Rey Palpatine was keep Sidious as the threat, keep all his other “raising the dead Sith” stuff-- just move his hidey hole to Korriban dammit --and have all the Rey’s parents plot shift to scenes with her interacting with Luke and Anakin’s Force Ghosts trying to figure out how to take down Palps together once and for all.  Let her get adopted into the Skywalker family by the only two who actually carried the name, not just have her randomly take it at the end after interacting with Luke freaking once.  She has seemingly close relationships with Leia and Ben, dammit, in that case she should have been Rey Solo or Rey Organa.

Also have Luke’s Force Ghost replace the nonsense with whatever guy Luke was apparently working with to track down Sidious on Exetor-- we never saw all of that and having aaaaaall of that background wordvomited onto us by 3PO at once makes it jarring and confusing and forgettable.  Literally just have Luke show up and tell them!!!!  

Han’s appearance to Kylo on whatsitsname Endor water moon???  Also should have been Anakin if they really wanted to show Kylo/Ben’s beginning to turn (really it should have been Leia but again I get why they couldn’t) back to the Light via a convo with the dead.  Like omgggg let him finally talk to the grandfather he was trying to impress!!  The opening was right there????  But nope, Han is there, and I guess whatever he says is suddenly enough to turn him good again???

(THIS ALSO MEANS MY FUCKING FANFIC WAS RIGHT.  HAN SOLO IS A FORCE GHOST.  WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.  THAT WAS LITERALLY THE ONE THING I PROCLAIMED WOULD NOT BE CANON.  I’M THE NEW ORACLE OF DELPHI BITCHES.  WHAT THE FUCK.)

Aaaaand this brings me to the romance.  The fucking romance.  Look, I’m sorry if you guys all do, I really am, and I respect if you want to unfollow, but I never have been able to stomach Reylo.  Ever.  I never saw the romance.  I saw pain and abuse and one-sided obsession.  Check that, I will admit that I always saw some sort of want from Kylo.  Adam played him very much being obsessed with having Rey with him for some reason throughout all the films, but it also always played as toxic, and him not knowing what to do with that want, and just lashing out and abusing and forcing himself on her at every turn.  It never played as a healthy relationship and it never played like Kylo should be rewarded for it.  And this entire film????  I see still no romance????  Like the first half is just Rey being damn furious at Kylo, hating him, literally wanting nothing to do with him.  I think another part of it is that I have never in the films seen Rey as having romantic or emotional feelings for Kylo, not ever.  Not consistantly.  It’s always just been an entire film’s worth of her despising him-- no not in an enemies to lovers UST despising, like actual hate and frustration --and then one singular bizarre scene that sticks out like a wart on a face where she suddenly does a 180 and is soft with him, like in the elevator scene in TLJ or the ending scene of TROS.  I wouldn’t even say Rey feels soft for Kylo the first damn time she stabs and kills him before healing him.  That to me seems a lot more like guilt to Leia her mentor over stabbing her son, and healing him for Leia’s sake than Rey actually wanting him alive.  Maybe that’s just because from what I’ve seen, Daisy isn’t the biggest Reylo fan and just didn’t play it with her heart.

I’m glad Ben was redeemed, after what Sidious put that family through, I would have been upset with the last Skywalker descendant dying in Dark disgrace.  But I’ve never been able to like his character really because they never fully let him be evil or an intriguing villain character, but they never showed him as good.  I’m sorry, but the comics don’t do it for me either because it seems they’re just trying to slightly alter Anakin’s issues and problems and stick them onto him and go “see they’re the same!” and it just rings fake and irritating for me, and his sudden turnaround does not have the same weight behind it because I don’t even know what he really turned back to the Light for.  Was it for Rey?  That obsession didn’t look like love.  Was it for Leia?  We never got to see him speak two words to her.  Was it for Han?  Possibly?!?!  That scene was not clear?!??!?!!?!  It sure as hell wasn’t for Anakin or Luke because they weren’t allowed to interact with him at all.  His return to the Light made no real sense because there wasn’t a clear motive besides “plot says so” and I Could Not See the logic in Rey suddenly wanting to make out with him, whether he saved her or not.  Really the one good thing about it was that their lack of chemistry throughout the film means that if I ignore the fact that that kiss happened, it’s pretty easy to pretend they never got together ;D  Plus, that Jedistormpilot hug at the very end tho, like I said, possibilities........

AND ANOTHER THING (god I really am a crotchety old lady), THE ABILITIES OF BEN AND REY TO BRING EACH OTHER BACK FROM DEATH.  Rey effortlessly healed a straight saber wound through the gut that has fucking killed multiple trained Force users dead and even more non Force users, healed it in seconds.  Now I probably seem like the biggest hypocrite here as I’m planning on having Anakin survive that same exact type of wound in a fic I’m writing (spoilers for those reading it lol but not really, did y’all actually think I was gonna kill him like that xD  And that in no means says he’s gonna recover completely...), but the difference is that I’m not having him survive through someone else effortlessly curing the wound.  If Ben survived that gut wound by healing himself, using his raw energy that all Skywalkers are supposed to have, I would be able to believe that.  Self preservation will to live saved Vader on Mustafar, saved Luke, saved fucking Sidious.  

But the matter is, if Rey was so powerful that she could just heal Ben from dying like that, why the fuck in the prequels is Anakin so panicked over his loved ones dying ever?  He’s supposed to be the most powerful Force user in existence, more powerful than Rey, shouldn’t he have been able to do that for say, Shmi??  One might argue, “but Rey’s had training!”  Who trained her?  Leia, who learned from Luke, who learned from Obi Wan and Yoda, neither of whom knew how to fucking do that and pass it down, don’t tell me they did.  The other option is that Rey did it untrained on natural talented instinct, which again, in that case, why couldn’t Anakin figure that out?  Why didn’t any Jedi?  Rey worked off of emotion healing Ben, Anakin should have been able to figure that out too.  I will accept Ben’s energy transfer to Rey saving her after she died later as that literally killed him, that makes sense, trading energy at an equal point-- and further canonizes my theory that Sidious was able to steal and drain Padmé’s life energy through her bond with Anakin to save him after he burned, which was the actual reason Pads died in Ep 3.  But Rey effortlessly bringing Ben back like that????  I just can’t, that just doesn’t work for canon for me.  I’m sorry, but no.

My final issue is the sheer amount of ignoring this trilogy did of the prequels.  I’ve already ranted about Anakin not showing up when he should and I will not repeat myself, this rant got long and I’m getting tired, but he should have been there, dammit.  He really should have.  Luke should have had more screentime.  That bit at the end where Rey hears all of the other Jedi’s voices speaking to her???  I’m sorry, but that really does break canon!  It was supposed to be only Qui Gon’s line, or those he taught and could pass it down, who could become Force Ghosts, and as delighted as I was to hear Kanan again and Windu and Luminara and everyone else, their voices should not have been there as they are not Force Ghosts! (and this is only partially me whinging over the fact that in my Force Ghost fic I have already stupidly proclaimed that only Qui Gon’s line has become ghosts and now I somehow have to fix that o_o)

(ALSO also the appearance of Ahsoka Tano amongst the voices means that she is dead which means they had the actual audacity to fucking kill her off OFFSCREEN with no explanation which grrrrrr)

One last whine about the romance, everything with Zorri Bliss and Poe seemed really forced and just another way for the script to blare out “HE’S NOT IN LOVE WITH FINN HE’S NOT HE’S STRAIGHT SUPER STRAIGHT LOOK LOOK LOOK”, tho Zorri’s character herself was fun without the forced romance.

Look, overall, I really liked the characters of the sequels, but I felt the plot was really poorly executed, and I really felt that this was not the “Skywalker Saga”.  The Skywalkers felt cast aside and put in the background and ignored and totally invalidated.  They were my favorites and I feel the narrative let them down and it makes my heart unhappy.  It really feels like abusers like Palpatine and Kylo got to win at the expense of their victims, and that really makes my heart unhappy.  That’s just my personal feelings.  Nothing wrong if you did like it, but it’s just me.  I miss my Skywalkers and their happy ending and I probably always will.  I probs won’t ever really be satisfied with what happened to them, tho I will work my hardest on it.  I guess that’s it.

[halinski]

Kings and Queens

Sooooo uuuuuhhhh I watched the girl king earlier and I am a sucker for medieval stories about badass girls and I immediately got feels and of course feels translated into sterek??? Have fun with a few words I just threw together in an hour!

~~~

4 years ago Derek never would have believed he would be stepping down from the throne to hand the crown to his younger sister, barely 18. 4 years ago, Derek wouldn't have believed he would have ever been King in the first place. In fact, 4 years ago, Derek wasn't sure he would still be alive at this age.

It was 4 years ago that Derek had woken up out of the daze with a jolt, while wandering the forest outside the castle walls in disguise. He woke to the world to the sight of burning amber eyes and pale freckled skin. Oh, and ever since that day life hadn't stopped coming at him. Ever since that day, he could think of nothing but the golden eyes mage with the red cape.

The night was well underway but the festivities made no sign of ending any time soon. Nevertheless, Derek said his farewells to Cora, kneeling before the new queen and kissing her knuckles, before she pulled him to his feet for a proper hug.

"You better send me letters, brother," she told him as she kept her arms locked tight around him. "Don't make me send my best men after you."

"I promise." Derek nodded. "And you better make good use of that crown."

Cora pulled back to look at him with the same fiery, regal eyes their mother had once worn and for just a second Derek mourned his departure.

"You know I will," Cora replied, bodly, shin tilting up and yes, Derek did not regret passing the title on to her a single bit. She would make a great queen to the people of their kingdom and they deserved it after the hell their lands had been through the last decade or two. Derek knew Cora would rebuild the Hale legacy.

He squeezed her hands and then quickly pulled away before he could get misty eyed. As he turned, he never once looked back. Going to his quarters, he dressed down and pulled on a plain dark cloak, grabbed his bag and made his way to the stables. His horse had been readied for him by one of Cora's stablemates as Derek had already dismissed everyone keeping watch on him.

The moon shone bright above as Derek lead his mare out of the palace stables and down the courtyard. A perfect night to start his epic journey. Not a hero's tale, surely. Derek hadn't been born to inspire songs of legend and myth. But it was his heart's journey, his soul's fate. The kingdom would do well without him. There was someplace else where he was needed.

"I know you aren't about to leave without saying goodbye," Erica's voice rang out from his right and her hair gleamed in the moonlight as she stepped out of the shadows with Boyd to her right. Derek's two most faithful and successful knights. He'd relied on them for much of everything after they had helped him escape the bandits that had befallen him, when Peter had risen to take over the throne. They'd been by his side much like the mage had, only they hadn't left. And yet, here he was leaving them.

"I'd hoped to spare myself the pain," Derek said, somber, turning to them as his fingers tightened around the reigns.

"You could always take us with you," Erica replies, crossing her arms over her chest. Strong-willed and loud-spoken but loyal to the core. There'd never been a better knight.

Boyd placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and Derek heard the light sigh she gave. Stepping forward, Derek let go of the reigns and laid a hand on each of their arms.

"My sister needs you here more. You have served me better than I could have ever asked for. Now, I just ask you to take care of her for me," he said, and with a light squeeze and sorrowful look, he stepped back again, back into his mare's wisping white breath in the cool dark night.

"We don't need to listen to you anymore though, do we now?" Erica continued to stubbornly resist but her voice was somber as well and she made no move to embark on the mission with Derek.

"But we will serve our queen with our lives. As we have served you," Boyd added from next to her and Derek knew without a doubt that Erica felt the same way.

"And please," Derek said, mounting his horse before meeting their gentle gazes again, "take care of yourselves."

They nodded silently and Derek tried to brave a smile before he gave a light nudge to the gentle creature's ribs beneath him and she started to ride off into the night. It was hard not to feel anxious, his heart rabbiting in his chest, the world feeling like it was unraveling in his hands just like when he'd been a teenager. Back when the Argents had attacked from within when they'd come to sign a peace treaty, and proceeded to murder nearly everyone in the castle. Or back when he had found Laura, a great rising queen - the Phoenix they had called her - cut in two, and that by their very own uncle, who had been so tormented by the Argent's attack that he had lost all grip on sanity, very much so that Derek had felt the need to take it upon himself to rid him of his misery, and with that take upon the immense task of stepping up to the throne and leading a sea of people to success. Or back when he had left him.

It had taken so much out of him and so long, all of the last four years, to make it through those disasters, to heal and grow, to become stable enough to see into his future. And now here he was, leaving his family and friends and home behing in a flourishing gallop, riding out into the unknown on the flimsy hope that'd he'd be able to find the boy who'd stood by his side when he was becoming the man he was today, fit for a throne and the face of a kingdom.

But Derek knew, he was nothing without this man. The spark that had relit the fire within him, especially the one in his heart. The smile that had carried Derek through the nights of eternal gloom until he saw the light again. The endless words that filled his soul with substance. The joy that coiled in him as strength. The warmth that melted his numbness so that he could feel the world, the love, the life.

~~~

Day and night he rode, taking only so much rest as his darling Moonshine needed, for he knew once he reached his goal she would be free of service to live the rest of her days in pasture. At night Derek would lay on the damp ground and stare up at the sky, or at least what he could see if it between the tree branches, and he would count every star and for each remember one of the moles that stretched across his beloved's skin. He could still feel the warmth of his body beside his, beneath his, above his - all smooth skin and lithe muscle, squirmy limbs and impatient heart - impatient hands that tugged him closer beneath the sheets, and the honey-dee voice, demanding, "Kiss me already."

Those quirky, bitten down lips that no one owned, not even Derek. Despite the strong, determined promises that he was his forevermore, Derek had known there was no way he could tame that energy and right he had been. Truth was, he had never meant to be tamed.

And every night Derek tortured himself with every of their encounters, from the time he'd caught the quick-fingered mage stealing apples from the withered courtyard like they were what the people called 'fruits of love', to the times they snuck hurriedly through the castle walls just to catch each other around the bend and fall into each other's arms, to the night he woke when his beloved slipped out of the bed, the air smelling like salt and sorrow, and proclaimed he'd had to leave, for it was his duty - his duty to the king, who had a duty to his people to reign with the future in mind, with a wife and a child. Every night he let the waves of love and loss crash over him until he rose again, sleepless but restless, spurned on by a burning desire.

~~~

And he never gave up till he rode in that little town off toward the coast with the little wood house with the red roof - just like Derek had once heard described in lush, beloved detail. A childhood home that had been abandoned, and had now been regained as was evident by the smoke rising from the chimney.

Derek dismounted and although his body burned in different ways, both exhaustion and eagerness and anger and desperation, he made sure to tend to the faithful Moonshine and let her graze freely after the tiring week long journey. By then, a figure had exited the little country house, almost like he had been called upon by that red string of fate that tied them together.

"Derek," he heard, a whisper carried over by the wind that blew the hood of his cloak back as Derek strided over with confident but calm steps, trying to practice himself in dignity.

He stopped in front of a bizarrely still  older image of someone he'd once known, the hair scraggly and longer, curling slightly, tantalizing and tempting Derek to reach over and run his fingers through it. There was a little scruff along the jaw, but he could still spot the familiar moles beneath it. The mouth was the same, soft bitten lips that hung open like he'd just run out of breath from incessant chatter, like anything and everything in the world took his breath away because he could find the magic in the smallest speck of dirt. 

But the eyes - the eyes spoke of the same longing and light Derek had yearned to see, something in his chest blossoming like the first, hungry spring flowers on the first day of sunlight. And now it was him who was frozen to the spot at the flood of emotion, wanting to do everything all at once and not knowing where to start.

"Wha… what are you doing here?" The question trembled just like the parting declaration a year ago had, falling from barely composed lips, which were ready to crash forward and into Derek's and let the world crash and burn around it if it had to.

"You idiot," Derek let out with a laugh, and just like that it was easy all over again, taking that one step to close the chasm in his world and take back into his arms what was meant to be there, lips sliding ever so softly against the soft exhale.

Still, the man in front of him trembled with resistance, albeit a hand came to clutch the front of Derek's shirt, closing his eyes and shaking his head.

"What are you doing? You can't-"

"You never thought to stop and ask me what I wanted," Derek interrupted authoritatively. "Never once. I was the king and yet you decided to think and act for me, going against my words, ignoring my promises like you had no faith in me."

"That wasn't-" Stiles was quick to defend, eyes shooting open with a guilty look. Yet he stopped, troubled. "Was the king?"

Derek nodded, a smile starting to form on his lips at the prospect that this was the very moment of the rest of his life, here, with his heart beating into Stiles' hand, where it had always truly been. "I have passed on the reign to Cora."

"Cora… but Der…" Stiles argued softly, like he barely dared utter the words, his resolve melting along with the slip of his nickname for the former king, one only the closest to him could use. Derek just waited, patiently looking into those swirling sunlit eyes.

"You made your choice. It was my turn to make mine," Derek stated and took a step back so he could take Stiles' hand. "And now I give you one more decision to make and if you so choose, it'll be the last one I ask of you. My choice is you. Over the kingdom, over the land and the riches and the roles… I-I never quite wanted to be king. But you… I've wanted you since the day I met you."

Derek hadn't prepared for this speech whatsoever, he'd been too busy with the swirling memories to be able to decipher them with words, but he could swear on his life this speech was the best one he'd ever given and by far, it was the most important. He watched them hit their mark as the hand in his trembled and the eyes began to swim in tears, while Derek kneeled before the strongest mage he knew.

"Stiles, if you so desire, I will be yours forevermore. I don't ask of you any sacrifice or compromise. The kingdom is in safe hands and I… will you let me find my new home in yours?"

4 years ago Derek hadn't been ever able to imagine ever feeling he had found home and comfort and love again, certainly not in a single person but as Stiles launched himself forward with unabashed joy, extensive joyous energy bundled and held back for years by sheer will - that's how tough his beloved mage was - and threw them both onto the ground, chests and hearts aligned, Derek knew once and for all, Stiles would always be king to his heart.

[mfackenthal]

The MFackenthal Show with Birthday Girl @lilyofchoices

banner by @whenyourheartskipsabeat

~~~~~

Megs: Hello hello hello! Today is a very very very special day and I am so excited to announce my next guest.  Please give an extra special welcome to our birthday girl, Lily!

The crowd stands up and cheers as Lily comes from off stage, waves to the crowd and gives Megs a big hug!  When Lily sits down, the audience get quiet. 

Megs:  Wow!  Look at how you command this crowd, Lily.  This group loves you!  I cannot believe you have only been here since March.  

Lily: I know!  It feels like it has been so much longer. 

Megs:  So, how did you come up with your tumblr handle? 

Lily: I hate coming up with names and titles. They are the bane of my existence. Just ask any of my friends on tumblr I’m constantly asking them for help or whining at them. Thank the gods I have help. So my tumblr handle is super boring and unoriginal. It is my name (well one of my middle names) and I’m “of the choices fandom” so...of choices. Yeah, you can groan. It’s bad. I know.

Megs:  Are you really telling me, MFackenthal, that your handle is unoriginal?  

Lily: laughs 

Megs: Anyways, tell me, what brought you to the fandom? 

Lily: Well, I live for crazy and this site definitely delivers on that. Joking, kinda. In all honesty, I created that tumblr on a whim after I went looking for more fanfic to read.  I found @perriewinklenerdie @hopelessromantic1352 and @ahumanmishap and loved their writing.  Their writing inspired me to just go for it!   I created this blog just to post shit and geek out with myself about the newest chapter releases and share whatever fics I discovered. I never in a million years expected to find so many friends and awesome people.

Megs:  But find so many friends you did!  

Lily:  Yes, I did!  They’re all amazing. Well … takes calming breath I’ve had my fair share of disagreements in this fandom and while the haters are hard to deal with and they can get exhausting, they are far, FAR outnumbered by those in this fandom that are here to have fun and be crazy and silly and don’t care if your opinions differ from their own. I live for those types of beautiful people that make this fandom amazing! Plus have you seen the level of talent from the writers and artists in this fandom? I’m constantly in awe of them all.

Megs:  The talent amazes me every day!  Speaking of talent - what’s your favorite work that you have created? 

Lily: Damn girl. You are asking all the tough questions. Why ya gotta do that to me? 

Megs:  laughs and shrugs her shoulders  It’s kinda my job, girl! 

Lily:  smirks  I guess I'd have to say that I love the first chapter of my Merida fic. I wrote it as a distraction, a break if you will, from my real life writing which is dry and boring. We had all just made our way through the Open Heart chapter where Ethan tells mc that Naveen is dying and then Pb won’t let us even hug Ethan. I desperately wanted that so I decided to write it. I’m going on chapter 32 of that fic now. I need help. Oh, but my favorite as far as fandom reactions goes was definitely the chapter where that dirty rat stabs Merida. Y'all lost your minds and it was hilarious.

The audience gasps.  “Oh yeah, I remember that chapter.”  “Landry is the worst.” Members of the audience whisper. 

Megs: I remember that chapter.  I feared you’d go the way of @laniquelovewrites and kill Merida! 

Lily: winks

Megs: shakes her head Do you have any advice for other writers or artists?  Especially those from within the fandom? 

Lily: Well, talking to all you not-yet-writers out there - take the ducking leap lovelies! Do it! Don’t worry about language, grammar, flow, tempo, timing, editing, just write it. I rarely edit mine beyond a cursory review. And ya know what? This fandom loves whatever you give us. And I’m at the front of that line waiting to read it. Seriously! Tag me in anything you write! 

Also, don’t be concerned about likes and reblogs. My first fic only got like 15 likes when I first released it. It’s hard not to get caught up in wanting likes and reblogs and comments. Hell, I live for them. And ya want to think that a lack of those means no one likes it, but trust me, there are plenty of people enjoying your work that don’t like, comment, or reblog. Try not to focus on the likes but on your fic and know that there are those out there enjoying the hell out of it!

And I’m always willing to review anything and everything. If you want someone to look it over first, I am here for you.  But I warn you now, I will encourage you to share it with everyone.

By the end of this little speech, the entire audience is up and clapping.  Standing ovation. 

Megs:  Look at that crowd, Lily.  It’s obvious that you speak the truth.  

Lily:  Whispers to Megs: Don’t worry - I can get them all to sit down. Ask me about the choices books. 

Megs:  So Lily, have you read all of the choices books? 

Lily:  I feel like I’m going to have to duck behind this couch as soon as I say what I’m about to say. No, I’ve not played them all. I’ve played most. I tried to play The Freshman, Big Sky Country, Sunkissed, and America’s Most Eligible but I couldn’t. I have replayed countless books. Thomas, Ethan, Sonia, the entire Perfect Match crew, the entire Nightbound crew, and Jake - I’ve played all of their options.

Now Megs, I have only admitted this once and after this we will never speak of it again hangs head in shame I am a sucker for one particularly hated Choices book. Want to take a guess? I've, no joke, replayed this more times than I should admit. No one will follow me after this. I...I, love Home for the Holidays. 

Lily gets up and ducks behind couch while many in the crowd sit down.  

Lily:  This is now my home. I will live back here so no one can see me in my shame. 

Megs:  walks around the couch to sit with Lily loudly saying: Well, as I enjoyed that book a lot and very much miss Nick, if you live back here then I will have to live back here with you … but this is kinda a crappy place to continue this interview so I’m gonna move back to front of the couch, okay?

Megs walks back around the couch and sits down.  

Well, you did get people to sit down, Lily.  Gives her audience the stink eyes.  Where were we?  Oh yes, which book is your favorite? 

Lily: stands up behind the couch Well, I’m going to stay behind the couch at this point because I'm not going to say Open Heart and I know I'm going to hear about it. Hero is my favorite book. It was the first I played and I absolutely loved it! The art! The characters! The story! It had it all! If Pb doesn't give me Hero 2 in 2020 I’m not sure what I’ll do now that they’ve teased me. But I’ve also learned that they like to tease me.  Lily jumps over the couch in a superhero type move and lands sitting down next to Megs.

Megs: Nice moves!  So who is your favorite OTP? 

Lily: I will always say Detective Jason Shaw and my mc Ashtyn Stark to this question. I loved the book RoD until the end when our option of which side to help disappeared and we had to help MPC. I was so excited to see a book that allowed you to pick which side to help, Police/Brotherhood, MPC, or both. You should know by now that I love the villains and all I wanted was for my mc to side with Shaw. 

Bryce and Harper are another OTP for me. I found a few others out there that ship this but @tallulahshh is a godsend when it comes to this ship. Her fics on these two are so amazing! For reals, you should all check them out. She will convince you that this is the ship to be on. 

Megs: Gasps!  I should kick you off this couch for loving a Bryce ship over an Ethan ship.  YOU WRITE FOR ETHAN!  

Lily:  What can I say?  The heart wants who it wants. 

Megs: Yeah, yeah.  What do you do when you’re not producing work for the fandom?  What else do you do for fun? 

Lily: I teach Latin and Formal Logic and I also write (journalism and academic pieces).   My fanfics are my break from my dry writings. I know y'all are dying to read about how Latin could revitalize the modern American educational system. I love to cook, read, hike, and spend time with my family. I live in the city now but I'm a country girl at heart. Give me open fields to run through, dense forests to explore, water to kayak on and I'm a happy one.

Megs:  That sounds wonderful.  Lily, one last question - do you have any questions for me? 

Lily: Ah, you should not give me this power. What non-LI would you make a LI if you could and why? I must know, please tell me!

Megs:  Oh, that’s easy - Bastien!  The drama is already built in because of his part in the Tariq plot and damn @stopforamoment, @bobasheebaby, and @lolablackwrites have made that man irresistible. 

A second and more strange one is actually Emerald Phan from High School Story: A Class Act Chapter 2.  She’s technically an adult when I’m (MC) technically a high schooler … but I would date this gal.  She’s gorgeous!

Before you leave, Lily, I need to ask one last thing of you.  Please close your eyes. 

Lily closes her eyes

@msjpuddleduck, @anxious-arliah, @meindraws, @keepcreative, @brightpinkpeppercorn, @tallulahshh, @twin-skltns all come on stage, pushing a large cart with a beautiful cake that says “Happy Birthday Lily!”  They all start singing Happy Birthday.  The entire audience joins in. 

As soon as people start singing, Lily opens her eyes and smiles really big.  

Lily: Oh my gosh, you guys, I love it!  

Megs:  Happy Birthday, Lily!  We’re all sooooo glad that you’re here.  Blow out your candles, beautiful!

Lily: Takes a deep breath and blows out the candles in one puff. 

The audience cheers!

Megs:  It’s cake for everyone!  

Those on stages start cutting and plating the cake.  Others start handing a slice to everyone in the audience. 

Megs:  And that’s today’s show everyone!  Thanks for coming!  Join me next time when @hopelessromantic1532 will be the guest star.  Have a GREAT week and please, join me in wishing @lilyofchoices a wonderful birthday! 

~~~~~

I’m guessing @lilyofchoices will get this when she wakes up - but it should be officially her birthday right now!

And now for the tags.  If you want to be added to the tag list for these or removed, please let me know!

@hopefulmoonobject @queen-among-writers, @hopelessromantic1352, @lilyofchoices, @msjpuddleduck, @theroyalweisme, @lady-kato

[sunsetswurve]

Overcome / Numb (G.D) part 1

"Woah, hey, please stop working yourself up. Breathe. No like really, deep breath in. Hold it. Now let it out slow. Okay. Good. That's really good. Tell me what you're thinking, Sky, please. Don't keep whatever it is you're feeling in. Please?" Grayson was sitting across from me, hands on my shoulders.

Skylar Martins has been going through a lot, mentally and emotionally. She’s lost in her own head. Everything is getting worse for her and she feels like she’s all alone, even when people are asking her if she’s okay. Feeling like a burden and a problem, she’s set on her life being like this from now on because there is no way out for her. That is until an old friend pops back into her life, seeing through her lies and getting her to see there’s more to life than what she’s doing. 

A/N: Sooooo I’ve been going thru some rough stuff and this is the first time in a while I’ve written something. It’s been even longer since I posted any writing on the internet. Depression and anxiety are talked about. Suicidal thoughts are mentioned so trigger warning for that. Also, I’m not sure if this is going to be a friend!Grayson or like a relationship. heck I’ve always been bad at continuing stories so who even knows how far this will go. All depression and anxiety writing is from my own experience, I’m not trying to romanticize it or anything and i’m definitely not trying to make it that Grayson “cures” the main character. Let me know what you think, just please go easy on me <3

"Skylar, are you getting out of bed today? Don't you have work?" My mother asked from my doorway.

"Called out." I mumbled under my covers.

"You okay?" she asked, concern filling her voice.

"Yeah, I'm just tired and have a migraine."

"How are you tired? you've been in bed for the past 3 days. AND you've called out one day each week for the last month just to stay in your room. Do you even have sick time anymore?"

"Yes mom. Dont worry, I have enough hours. I just need to rest."

"Okay, we'll see when you lose your job for missing too much work. This isnt working Skylar. What’s going on?"

"Nothing. I'm fine." Lies. Truth was my depression was the worst it's ever been. I haven't had any energy to do anything.

"Have you been taking your pills?"

"Yes." Lies. I don't care to anymore. It's ridiculous that I have to depend on stupid pills to be a normal human. If this is who I'm supposed to be. What’s the point.

"Bullshit." She rolled her eyes and slammed my door. I heard her go down the stairs and the front door slammed shut also. Nice. Very mature, mother. See, I'm so miserable and annoying my mother doesn't even care anymore. Just leaves me here to rot. I sighed and rolled over, looking at my phone. It was 2 in the afternoon. This is what my life has come to at 23 years old. Alone. Stuck in my room.

I used to try. I used to have energy to try and fight this. But recently its gotten harder and harder to get out of bed. I can see everyone's worried looks and heads shaking with disapproval, but its like there's this wall between what I know I should do to help this and myself. I'm stuck in this cloud of self doubt, self hatred. I hate that I'm like this. I see myself getting worse and yet I just can't put myself out there to say anything to anyone or express what I'm feeling.

To be honest, I'm not even sure what I'm feeling. Numb, mostly. I'm just sick of being alone. I've always felt like I'm the third wheel in all situations. Always in a group of three friends, but the other two were closer and there was me. I've always been a shy person but after high school and stuff I went through in my first year of college, it got worse. I get nervous meeting new people, but I'm also nervous talking to people I haven't seen in awhile. I mean yeah, I have my family and even though I was that third person with friends, I still had friends. I'm also so close to my family. My cousin's been one of my best friends since I was born. But she's gotten pretty serious with her girlfriend so I'm pushed to the side once again. Not to mention they're talking about moving to the other side of the country. It's just gonna get worse.

I sound so selfish. But these are the thoughts that run through my head constantly throughout the day. Its all consuming. I'm alone. I'm alone. I'm alone.

With everyone in the house gone, I go downstairs and grab some cookies in the cabinet and sit in front of the tv. I'll be here for the next few hours until my parents and/or brother come home and then I'll head back upstairs. This is how it's been, avoiding everyone and eating junk to try and make myself feel less numb than I have been. I was switching on netflix when my phone buzzed.

"Hey Skylar, haven't talked to you in awhile. how have you been?" It was a text from Grayson. One of those friends I haven't talked to and don't freaking know how to talk to anymore because I'm a mess. I re-read the message a few times and wonder what I should respond with.

oh ya know, just wondering if I'll finally grow the balls to end my life or keep living in the hell I've created for myself. Oh yeah, that'll  go down swimmingly.

"Hey, I've been fine, just working. How are you?"

"Oh are you working today? Could use a hair cut haha ;)" people only talk to you when they need something from you, they don't really care about how you're doing, silly.

"I'm actually off today, Gray." I turned back to the television, desperately trying not to dwell on the thought that he only wants to know what I'm doing just so I can do his hair. I understand with being a hairstylist that people want me to do their hair but its like. Even the people I see constantly do this, they see my behavior has changed, I'm not the happy person I was before. They've asked me how I'm doing -- at the most inopportune times, mind you. But if you think there is something really wrong, you shouldn't want to ask me while you're on hold with our supervisor, this conversation WILL end up with me sobbing and I really really don't think you're ready for it, Margaret so of COURSE I'm going to say I'm fine. A few minutes later, my phone lets out another buzz.

"Do you want to hang out?" That's different. No one's asked me that recently. Not that I'm the best person to hang out with right now, with the buzzkill I've become. I don't answer. Let's add "flaky" to the long list of flaws I've developed over the passed couple of months. Sometimes it's just easier to act like nothings happening. I turn over on the couch and fall asleep.

..only to be woken up 20 minutes later to the doorbell ringing

The hell? We live on a secluded dead end, no one ever comes here unless its planned, like ever. I open the door to reveal Grayson Dolan on my doorstep with a small grin on his face.

"Gray, what are you doing here?" I ask opening the door more for him to step inside.

"When you didn't answer my text, I figured you fell asleep because you've always loved your naps" he chuckled, since he could tell from the look of confusion on my face that is exactly what happened.

"ohhh" I'm not sure what else to say, honestly. I told you I haven't been the best with conversations lately.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asks, taking in my disheveled appearance and greasy looking hair. Greasy looking because I haven't showered in days. Ya know, the things that happen with depression the internet and media don't tell you about when they're glorifying it for their aesthetic.

"Uhhh yeah. I haven't washed my hair in a few days. Look Gray I don't think--"

"No Skylar, really, are you okay? I was scrolling through twitter, saw one of your tweets and it's concerning."

"oh uh.. it's nothing, its just shit that comes to mind at night when I can't sleep." I say, hoping he doesn't press anymore. When I feel really low and don't know what to do, I let it out on twitter, no ones ever said anything before about it so I thought it didn't matter or they didn't care or whatever. It's been like this for years, so this really caught me off guard.

"Are you sure?" no.

"Yes." He gave me a look that definitely said he wasn't convinced, but shrugged anyway.

"Okay, so what are we watching?"

"Oh um, I'm catching up on Supernatural."

"Nice!"

"Gray do you even watch Supernatural?"

"No, but if you're watching it, I'll watch it with you. I wanna hang out and you're not busy. I miss you, so let's go! press play already." I gave him a weird look, this is different. Usually Grayson is really busy between doing stuff with Ethan and/or filming.

"What's going on? Where's Ethan? You two are inseparable."

"He's doing some stuff today. Tattoo and other errands. He'll be gone until tonight."

ahh, so he's just here because Ethan is busy and has nothing better to do

"What was that?"

"What do you mean?"

"You just got this disappointed and annoyed look on your face. What are you thinking, Sky?"

"It's nothing."

"Listen, I know we haven't talked in months but this is not the Skylar I've known for years and I know you're not okay no matter what you're saying behind that fake smile. I'm not going to push it. You don't have tell me right now. But I'm here for you, even if we just sit and watch TV, okay?" My jaw dropped a little, I was not expecting this. Especially since we haven't talked in a while. But Gray has always been able to sense when I'm feeling off. So I'm not too surprised. But to still want to hang around me even if I don't want to talk, like damn, that's so sick of him.

"Thanks G." I say, smiling slightly and lean into his shoulder, a small gesture to show my appreciation. We focused in on the tv and got lost in it for the next few hours.

I didn't notice how many episodes we got through until the front door opened and my mother stepped in.

"Wow. You're out of your room AND someone is here? I'm shocked." She said sarcastically and turned to Grayson. "Hi honey, are you staying for dinner?"

"Hi Mrs. Martins. I'd love to."

"Good! I'm glad someone's been able to get her out of bed." my mother comments as I roll my eyes and continue to focus on the television. I could feel Grayson gaze on me though, I kept facing forward, hoping he would let it go and thankfully, he did. I couldn't focus back into the show though. He knows somethings wrong. But like he really knows. And I'm gonna have to tell him something soon or he'll just be wasting his time and get sick of me just like everyone else. I started biting my nails as I watched forward feeling anxious and sick of myself.

"hey do you still have your PS4?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Do you wanna go play some before dinner?"

"I don't really have any two player games."

"That never stopped us before. We can take turns doing stupid stuff on GTA?"

"Wow I haven't played that in the longest time."

"Lets go!" He said, standing up and waiting for me to follow him upstairs to where we have the playstation set up. I slowly stood up and went along with him. "Remember when we used to play online all of the time?" He asked as I set it up.

"Yeah, remember how angry Ethan would get when asshole twelve year olds would kill us before we could even do anything in the game and I had to figure out how to start a server for just us?"

"Oh man, back when we were living in apartments our neighbors would get PISSED at how loud he would yell."

"And I'd be up here swearing, thinking no one could hear me but one day my mother came up here PISSED because I dropped the f bomb like a million times in a minute."

"She lectured all three of us the next time me and E came over." We both laughed at the memory.

After some time, my mother called up, letting us know dinner was ready. My brother and father were both home now and we all sat down for our meal.

“Grayson! It's been so long since you've been over! How are you and your brother doing?" My father asked

"We're good, Mr Martins. We're working on some new video ideas and Ethan is getting stuff for it today."

"That's great to hear. Its nice to see Skylar out of her room and have company over for once. She's just been in her room for months."

"Dad. seriously?" I ask, do we have to talk about how I'm fucked up at dinner?

"Well she doesn't help herself if she's not taking her medications." My mom comments not looking up from her plate.

"Mom!"

"Skylar why aren't you taking your meds?" My dad turns to me, everyone turns to me actually. I feel my face start to heat up with all of the unwanted attention. My anxiety rising for being put on the spot like this when Grayson was here, or anyone actually.

"And we wonder why I'm finding excuses to not sit out here with you guys all of the time?" I say, rolling my eyes before standing up and hurrying up the stairs to my room.

----

I go into my room and throw myself on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. Now he's definitely gonna know I'm not okay. He's definitely gonna walk talk to me about that and probably try to help. He'll stick around for a week or two, see how annoyingly sad and stubborn I am and give up. Just like everyone else has when I've been like this in the past. As if he could hear my thoughts, I hear a knock and Grayson quietly say my name, trying to not disturb the silence.

I look up but don't make a move.

"Sorry you had to awkwardly witness all of that." I mumble. He comes in, gently shutting the door behind him. He lays next to me, also looking up at the ceiling.

"You know they're just worried about you, right?"

"I know," I sigh.

"You also know I'm worried about you, right?"

"Don't be."

"How can I not? Your tweets are literally screaming that you're not okay. You aren't taking care of yourself and distancing yourself from everyone trying to help you." My eyes start filling up with tears and my breathing start to get heavy. My skin is on fire, feeling like hot pins and needles are stabbing me all over. "Skylar?"

I can't say anything. It's like the floodgates have been opened. I dont feel numb anymore but I feel everything. Hurt, sad, angry and frustrated. All I do is curl into a ball, sobbing and gasping for air. I feel Grayson try and pick me up to bring me closer to him but I push him away. It feels like I'm being smothered with nothing touching me at all. I know he means well but when I'm like this, touching doesn't help. I feel him start to pull away, probably to get my mother since somethings wrong and he doesn't know what he should do. but I grab his hand and shake my head.

"Panic attack. Stay. Give me a few minutes." I manage to get out between strangled sobs. He nods, staring at me with worry. I'm not surprised he's freaked out. Usually when I have panic attacks like this I'm not around anyone, so he definitely hasn't seen me like this before. My mother has only heard me have them because I used to call her when I was in college. That was when they started to get really bad. He doesn't let go of my hand though, it would be hard to with me squeezing it, trying to ground myself while focusing on my breathing.

It feels like an eternity, but it was probably just a few minutes later when my breathing slowed and the pins and needles sensation had left. I let go of Grayson's hand and wipe my face, groaning once it really hit me that I just had a panic attack in front of someone for the first time in so long.

"I'm so sorry about that Gray"

"Did you just have a panic attack?"

"Yeah, again, so sorry"

"Don't be! You know I have panic attacks too. I've just never seen you have one and you've always been okay with hugging and stuff so that just threw me, I didn't know how to help you."

"I usually have them at night or I'm not near anyone when they do happen. Uh, I uh feel like I can't breathe and my skin feels like it's on fire and I'm getting stabbed with hundred of needles all over my body so I freak out even more when people try to touch me when they happen.

"Jesus, Skylar. Why don't you tell anyone you're going through this?"

"I don't know" I shrug, "I don't like to bother people."

"Are you serious? You wouldn't be bothering anyone, you just need to tell people how you're feeling when they ask, because I know they've been asking. They're really worried. I'm really worried."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. I just need you to take care of yourself."

"That's really hard right now, G."

"Then let me help, let someone help, stop locking yourself away and thinking you need to go through this by yourself." Tears are now streaming down my face and I'm quietly sobbing. He brings me in for a hug and kisses my forehead. We stay like that for awhile. "We're gonna get through this. I promise."

For some reason, that just makes me cry even harder. Why can't I take care of myself? I used to be strong and independent. Now I'm weak. I need people to take care of me at 23? What is this? What the fuck is wrong with me?

"Woah, hey, please stop working yourself up. Breathe. No like really, deep breath in. Hold it. Now let it out slow. Okay. Good. That's really good. Tell me what you're thinking, Sky, please. Don't keep whatever it is you're feeling in. Please?" Grayson was sitting across from me, hands on my shoulders.

"I, uh, okay." I take a deep breath again. "I'm just so fucking weak. And helpless. You shouldn't have to be making these promises and be worried about me." I paused for a moment to gather my thoughts and take a few more breaths. "Like this is sad. Ridiculous. How did I get myself in this situation. I don't get it. I don't know or understand myself anymore and I don't know how I got like this." My panic was turning into anger now. Anger at myself. The world. God or the universe or whatever seems to be in control of all of this.

"Stop beating up on yourself for like two seconds to see that people care about you and love you. Sometimes life gets hard and we need help. If I was in this position I would want someone to help me. I can't stand seeing you like this. I WANT to help. Life got busy and I was a shitty friend that grew distant. But I'm here. Your family is here. I know for a fact that if Ethan was here he'd be agreeing with me. We've known each other for years. I know you ARE strong. You just need a little help right now. The only question is if you're going to accept the help or stay stuck." He got a little louder, was it because it's Grayson and he's just loud or wanting to make his point come across clearly? both, probably. I took a few deep breaths, really calming for the first time in hours.

"Okay."

[monster-alien-chode]

“You know it’s Wednesday right?”

Pairing: Fem!Reader X Peter Parker and Daughter!Reader X Tony Stark

Summery:  When the reader is in a lot of bad relationships it takes Peter Parker catching her half naked in her room to realise why she would subject herself to these bad guys. Also day of the week underwear...

Warnings: A few curse words...also I misspelled underwear multiple times sooooo thats a thing... also it might suck but Oof who cares?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Being Tony Stark’s daughter made you genetically entitled to certain aspects of your personality, like your extreme intelligents along with your wits. You’re filled to the brim with comebacks and sarcastic remarks just as a birthright. But even with all the riches and fame that came with your name you still managed to be incredibly kind and humble. But somehow you had the absolute worst taste in boys (yes boys because they were certainly not men). Somewhere deep in your messed up brain you had convinced yourself that you didn’t deserve nice guys, but even deeper in your brain you knew that it was a way for your dad to notice you more. Yes of course he was proud of you and loved you like no other but he was a busy man, and of course you understood;I mean saving the planet on multiple occasions was time consuming. But, he would always be to deep in his work to take time for you, he missed a lot of special occasions in your life. Like your first day at midtown (he didn’t even say goodbye before you left or wish you good luck). You had always been homeschooled because Tony wanted to ensure you got the best possible education, but he knew you needed to be properly socialized and have friends that were your age and not super soldiers. He would make up for it with expensive gifts, but nothing beat spending time with the old man.

You had been going to midtown for at least a year now and you were part way through your sophmore year. You fit in very well with the other students, you easily fell in with the popular crowd with your charisma and beauty, and thankfully not for your last name you enrolled under a completely different last name, people just thought it was a coincidence that you looked like the famous (y/n) Stark. But even with rolling with the cool kids you were never rude like some of them were to other students. Like how Flash was rude to Peter Parker, you always stood up for Peter through Flash’s torments. You and Peter we’re good friends, you of course had figured out his secret identity from your father, but before that you were good friends from Academic Decathlon and you were really good study buddies. You weren't the type to be ashamed of friendships so you made it appoint to express your friendship with your particular crowd so they know not to pick on him when you’re around. With riding with the popular crowd, and having a bad taste in boys, you had a bountiful amount of boys to choose from.

Since arriving at midtown you’ve dated five guys,including your current boyfriend. First way, Brett the bad boy, he had a motorcycle that your father hated but he never expressed concern because he thought you were happy. Also, Chad the fuck boy who only cared about trying to sleep with you, you being the strong powerful woman you are ended that relationship quickly. Next was Charlie the heartbreaker, sure he seemed nice enough and you really liked him, you even both said you loved each other, but he cheated on you with multiple girls and left you heartbroken, he was the longest relationship you ever had. Peter being the sweetest guy ever came by and was your shoulder to cry on, which was the first time you had ever cried in front of someone ever. After Charlie you didn’t date for awhile at least until halfway through the summer before sophomore year. That’s when you met Ethan the extortionist, he seemed so sweet, but then again they all do, he only wanted to date you because you were a stark and knew the avengers. Now you were a very smart girl but as some might say you were quite stupid with love so you didn’t notice the blatentness of him trying to obtain what you had, but once you finally did you were quick to dump him. Rightnow you were dating Harry, he was extremely attractive but also very possessive and insecure, he did not like the fact that you had any guy friends at all but that never stopped you from continuing to talk to Peter.

Little did you know that Peter had a massive sized crush on you. He loved the way you talked about anything and everything, especially the things you were passionate about. He loved when you snorted a little when you laughed to hard, or how you were popular but never were ashamed of your friendship with him. Peter also loved when you guys were studying and you would get so frustrated with sitting for so long and force him to have a dance party with you. He loved how happy you’d get when you would ace a test or win a round in Academic Decathlon. Or the way your (y/e/c) eyes would shine with glee all the time. Peter loved everything about you, well except for one thing, your boyfriends. Peter hated them, they were all total douchebags and either only liked you for your money, that is if they knew you were a stark, or they only thought you were some pretty face that they thought they could sleep with or manipulate. But you were so much more than that because yes, you were pretty but you were so smart and funny too and a big geek. He was there during every start and end of the relationships, you cried on his very shoulder after you found out Charlie cheated on you. But Harry was one of the worst boyfriends ever, he was violent and possessive and very much didn’t like Peter. But he was glad that you never backed down to Harry and continued to be his friend.

At this point you and Harry had been dating for one month so nothing to serious has happened yet except kissing but that seemed like preschool stuff to you at this point. Harry and you were hanging in your room at the tower watching Parks and Rec one of your favorite shows, Harry didn't really get the jokes but you didn't care. You had invited peter over to study later but after you assumed Harry would be gone. Peter would be arriving in the next thirty minutes or so you turned to Harry.

“Hey…so I have a family thing in about thirty minutes so you might need to get going in a bit.” you said giving his hand a squeeze.

“Yeah sure babe, i’ll get going here in a second, i just need to go to the bathroom real quick.” Harry said kissing your cheek.

When Harry had to go to the bathroom ‘real quick’ it differently did not mean ‘real quick’ it would definitely take a while. So you took this opportunity to change into more comfortable clothes comparatively to your school clothes. You knew it wouldn't look like you had a family thing but Harry wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box, so you didn’t really care. You began stripping from your clothes before you went to find your clothes to change into. You looked down to see that you were wearing mismatched underwear, not that you necessarily tried to match, it just these exact pairs were quite strange. First a bra from a long time ago, still cute thought, and secondly, days of the week lacy underwear that was for monday, which was definitely not the day today. You laughed at the haphazard dressing skills you had especially when it was around laundry day. You were fishing around for clothes when a knock came at the door.

“Who is it?” You asked absent minded.

“Peter!” Peter yelled back from the other side of the door.

“Come in!” You said without another thought, of your current state of nakedness.

“Sorry i’m early bu-AH!” Peter said coming in when he noticed you half naked in your room, he quickly cover his eyes and turned around being the gentleman he was but not before looking at your figure, he couldn’t help how his hormones took control. He took notice of how your underwear read “monday” when it was in fact a Wednesday.

“What is it Pete?” You said worried at his scream, before realizing that you were just standing around half naked.

Peter was still turned around and you walked up to him, still naked and started apologizing.

“Oh Peter i’m so sorry i totally forgot i was in the middle of changing and i just heard your name so i just let you in without even thinking, oh i’m just so sorry!” You said touching his shoulder.

“What is going on! What is that dip whad doing here babe! Also why the fuck are you half naked!” Harry started yelling

You turned to him and began explaining what was happening so fast, but about three seconds into your explanations he totally decked peter with a punch, and continued to punch him. You were utterly shocked by his actions, you quickly came to your senses and tried to get him off Peter, yelling at him to stop.

“Harry! Get off him!!” You screamed in desperation.

Harry finally stops and gets up from the ground.

“ (Y/N) I told you to stop hanging out with this, this nerd! I can’t believe you let him see you like that, your mine and no one else’s so you better stop seeing him if you want to be with me!” Harry yelled at you.

“I’m not your property Harry! You don’t get to dictate my life and tell me who i can and can’t be friend with Harry! Oh incase you haven’t noticed i’m a nerd too! I would never change myself, my interests, or my friends for anyone! So if you can’t except that then we’re over!” You yelled right back with even more fury than him.

“Actually,” you started again, “I think you and your toxic masculinity, insecurities, and possessiveness and leave my life! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!” You yelled

Harry left out a huff and left the room and stormed out of the tour.

“Are you alright Peter, i’m so sorry, I’ll clean you up i’m so, so, so, so sorry!” You say as you move to get a first aid kit.

You began addressing his wounds and cleaning his face with a wet towel and alcohol, putting your dads favorite hello kitty band-aids on the cut on his cheek. Peter didn’t look at you while you did this, it wasn’t required of him to do this it was just odd behavior for him. Another piece of odd behavior was how he didn’t fight back, he was 100% stronger than Brett being spider-man and all, so he could have easily win the fight.

“Riddle me this Spider-man, you are incredible strong, i mean you stopped a bus with your bare hands, well i guess gloved in that instance, and yet you didn’t even try to hit Harry back? Why is that? Also why aren’t you looking at me?” You questioned Peter while you placed another band-aid on his face.

Peter blushed slightly at the mention of his alter ego, along with the fact that you just called him strong, “Well i’m not looking at you because you are still half naked (y/n),” you giggled at the first half of his response and quickly apologized before putting on a crewneck and shorts to later study in. “and I didn't want to throw a punch because I didn’t want you to think of me like the violent type.” Peter said now looking at you dressed.

“I’m sorry Harry was such a jerk, i should have realized sooner and broken up with him, he didn’t like Parks and Rec so that should have been my first sign.” You said laughing a little at your last comment

“How does he not like that show it's the bomb!” Peter said with a smile.

“I know right!” You smile back basking in the happy moment and laughs that filled the air.

“But why do you date these jerks anyway? You’re so smart and funny and amazing and beautiful you deserve someone way better then them.” Peter said

You smiled at the praise he offered you, “You really think i’m all of those things Peter,” he nodded intensely sitting up to sit beside you on the ground, “Well i don't know why i date them, but yeah i guess they have all been jerks, i guess being the daughter of Tony Stark really puts a target on my back for being used, i don’t really know Peter I don’t think nice guys like me” You say sighing. All your reasonings weren’t that valid but you didn’t want to tell Peter the real reason.

Peter tried to fight his brain into not admitting his feeling for you right in that moment because of how bad the timing was with you just breaking up with Harry, but Peter lost that battle and blurted out, “I like you! And i’m pretty nice… i think. And not just like you like a friend but, like you like you, god how many times have i said like.” Peter awkwardly stuttered out in the cutest way.

“And I know it’s bad timing in all to tell you that (y/n), and it's totally ok if you don't feel the same, oh go i hope i didn’t mess up our friendship...i probably did, oh god (y/n) just forget i said anything. But you’re still amazing and deserve the best.” Peter rambled as you watched him with admiration as he told you how he felt.

He continued to ramble before you try to interrupt.

“Peter…”You said, he continued, “PETER!” you said louder grabbing his attention.

“If you could stop rambling for a second, despite how adorable it is, i would be able to tell you that i like you too.” You said with a smile.

Peter looked wide eyed and stared at you with heart eyes. Then you leaned in a kissed him softly on the lips, he was shocked at first but quickly leaned into it and moved his lips along with yours. It lasted like this for awhile before you both had to pull away to take breath. You both looked into each others eyes lovingly.

“The real reason why i date bad guys is to get my Dad’s attention.” You said quickly

Peter looked at you before speaking, “Maybe you should talk to him about that,” He said and you nodded, “Plus the sooner you get back the sooner we can study, and makeout...but mainly makeout.” Peter said with a sudden burst of confidence. You laughed at his cockyness and threw a pillow at him.

“Ok i’m going to talk to to my dad, but i will be back” You say with wink over your shoulder.

“Hey (Y/N)?” Peter asks

“Yeah?” You saying turning around in the door frame in the doorframe.

“You know it’s Wednesday right?” Peter asks with a slight smirk.

“Uh, yeah why do you think i don’t…” You pause remembering your underwear.

You run up and hit him in the shoulder hard. He winces in pain.

“Owww! I can’t help it your butt was screaming at be that it was monday! I couldn’t not take a peek!i’m sorry!” Peter says laughing, you’re laughing too as you begin walking away towards the door again. You look over your shoulder catching Peter checking you out, he quickly becomes flustered and turns away from your gaze.

“I’ll be back soon cutie!” You call as you exit your room.

You walk around the tower heading toward your dad’s lab were you knew you could find him, working on another extension of the iron man suit or a new upgrade. You finally arrived at the doorway to the lab, you suck in a deep breath and sigh then continue to type in your specific lab code that granted you access. Of course you had your own code because you loved working on new tech in there all the time, or assisting Dr. Banner. The lab door unlocked, you pushed it open trying to quietly sneak into not scare your dad. But the loud rock music was blaring so remaining quite was unnecessary. You walked up to your dad’s work space, he noticed your movement and turned down the music.

“What’s up sugar plum? Jarvis told me that Harold walked out in quite the fit of rage” Tony said bringing back your old childhood nickname. As he looked in your eyes he could see that you were upset about something.

“His name is Harry, but that doesn’t even matter anymore because we broke up.” You said.

“Well good, i didn’t like that guy anyway, total douche.” Tony said with a smile, trying to make you feel better.

“Then why didn’t you say anything Dad!” You said getting more upset.

Tony is taken off guard by your sudden outburst toward him, “Well i thought you we’re happy with him and i wouldn’t want to impose on that for you sweetie.”

“No dad! I only date these jerks because i want your attention! I know that’s not a good reason, i just want you to take interest in my life! I know you’re busy saving the world and it seems selfish to ask but it would be nice to spend a little time with you!” You said with slight tears brimming in your eyes.

Tony pulled you into a big hug after you said this, you quickly relaxed into his hold of you.

“Of course i want to spend time with you (Y/N) i love you so much! And i will admit i get a little carried away my work.”Tony said with a smile

“A little?” You questioned with a laugh.

Tony laughed before he spoke, “How about every night we both agree to have a family dinner, and you can spend more time with me in the lab, i mean you’re smarter than me so i need all the help i can get in here!”

You smiled at his compliments of you before leaning out of the hug to look him in the eye to respond, “I would love that dad!”

You both hug again before you turn back out and say, “Oh i have to go I left Peter by himself in my room, and we need to study for our chem rest next thursday.”

“Oh! Speaking of the Spiderling i have a question for you.” Tony says with a smirk on his face.

“Yeah what is it?” You ask feigning innocence

“Why was he in your room while you were half naked?” Tony said chuckling but with a seriousness in his eyes.

“Uhhhhh... long story, but a total accident! I gotta go!!” You said running out of there as fast as possible.

“We’re not done with this conversation young lady!” Tony yells back at you as you run away.

You smile as you run knowing this would be a new begining with both Peter and your dad. You walked back into your room and planted a kiss on Peter’s lips, ready to jump into happily ever after. Now you will have dated six people in your life but needless to say that Peter was the last one you ever needed to date.

[ldprecovery-blog]

How it all came to be...

Why, how, what, when…?

This post is about my backstory, which I didn’t realise was so complex until I began writing it down. It makes me feel incredibly sad and sorry for the old me, but regardless, our pasts make us who we are today so instead, I’m embracing my tale of woe and writing this hoping to connect with those who read it, those who might be suffering from mental health issues or eating disorders like I did. So let’s start from the beginning….

I had a wonderful childhood: two loving parents who adored me and a younger sister. From the age of five I started gymnastics and it turned out I was pretty good at it. I trained five, sometimes six times a week with fierce dedication. I was determined to be the best and I wanted to win competitions, which I mostly did. I guess I was quite competitive. At the age of 16 I became the National Champion for my category and it was a glorious moment; I’d worked so hard for this day. Alongside gymnastics, I danced with a troop and performed in many shows. I also played netball and entered most school sports competitions. My grades at school were always very good and through hard work and commitment, I performed very well academically. Things were great for 16 year old me. I met my first love in the Sixth Form whilst studying for my A levels. It was an exciting time for me because I felt so ‘normal’ and my social life had always been second to my training regime. So, I was living this wonderful life where I felt amazing in so many ways - school was going well, I was sporty, body confident and had a boyfriend who really, really liked me. Perfect! Oh, and I ate food by the bucket load! In fact, I LOVED food. People would always say to me, ‘Where do you put it all? Do you have hollow legs?’ Well I was doing so much sport that I was burning calories at lightning speed and to be honest, I was proud of how much I could eat, really proud! I remember one time, I went to my new boyfriend’s Dad’s house for a good old Sunday roast - my favourite! We got there and I waited patiently for my plate of food (I was used to helping myself to generous portions, always going back for seconds and sometimes thirds. This was swiftly followed by pudding of some kind). I was sooooo hungry when we arrived. When his Dad presented me with my long awaited roast dinner, my first thought was, ‘Where’s the rest of it?!’ But his Dad smiled and said, ‘Now don’t worry if you can’t finish it, I know there’s a lot there.’ Was he joking? I knew I’d nail that!

So after clearing my plate easily, I felt their eyes on me...they were either impressed or in shock. I was asked if I wanted seconds and of course I said yes. And yes to the dessert that followed. I could eat a lot, I had a huge appetite and I liked that about myself. I didn’t know what a calorie was then or how to count it. I didn’t know what had fat in it and what didn’t. I certainly wasn’t intolerant to any food groups and I ate what I felt like, when I felt like it. Food was food and nothing more. Little did I know this was all about to change, and spiral out of control into a full blown ED.

Cause 1:

The first major (and root) cause of my ED and negative body image was finding out my Dad was having an affair with a woman that went to the same exercise class as him. My Mum was beside herself, as was I. In a heartbeat, my world shattered. He left that night and I hated him for what he had done. My Mum was left in pieces with no one there to pick her up, apart from me. I was 17 at the time and my sister was 12. I had to grow up very quickly indeed. My Mum needed me to help her through. I don’t really think my sister understood what was going on but what she did know was that daddy didn’t love mummy anymore and didn’t want to be around us either. He just left us, burying his head in the sand to avoid his own feelings of guilt, betrayal and abandonment. His new life had no room for us and the ‘other woman’ didn’t like him seeing his children….it’s fair to say I hated her. What I didn't realise at the time, being just 17 years old, was that the whole situation planted a toxic idea in my head: we weren’t enough for him...I wasn’t enough.

Cause 2:

A few months passed and in that time I cried a lot. And I mean A LOT. Then came the second cause of my ED. I contracted the most awful bout of food poisoning which left me hospitalised. I was on a drip, had all sorts of injections to stop the sickness and ended up losing a tonne of weight. After I recovered I returned to ‘normal’ life.  It was shortly after this that it happened and I remember the exact moment which I now know to be the beginning of my ED. I was in my bedroom and suddenly caught my reflection in the mirror, sideways on: I saw a rounded, bloated belly that I’d not seen before….. ‘what the heck is that?!’ I thought to myself. Having stared at it for a while I decided it was fat and it needed to go quickly, so maybe I should stop eating things with fat in them, because obviously fat makes you fat, right? (Poor little me, clueless and naive - how wrong I was). After a couple of weeks I decided that my stomach was not getting any better so I went to the Drs because something must be wrong. Well it turned out, the food poisoning had wiped out my gut flora and ripped my insides to shreds, so they were sore! Of course they were sore, I’d just had the worst food poisoning imaginable! So the Dr concluded that I had developed intolerances and suggested I cut out wheat and gluten (Hmmm, a restrictive diet. ALARM BELLS RINGING FOR ANYONE RIGHT NOW?!) So, happy with my diagnosis, off I went to find gluten free products (which at the time weren’t really heard of, not like today’s market) and I was actually quite excited by the novelty. So with the gluten food group cut out, I lessened my symptoms but it was still happening. I went back to the Dr and this time he told me to cut out dairy (SECOND ALARM BELL ANYONE?!). So off I went, cutting out all forms of gluten and dairy, but without the success I was hoping for! My symptoms were alleviated slightly but not gone and I just wanted them gone! After that, I took matters into my own hands and spent hours on the internet researching what could be wrong and how to fix it. I found the Candida Albicans diet, the IBS diet and the food combining protocol. Well….I did them all in one go. I just had to get rid of this bloating! This lasted for a year and in that year I unintentionally lost a LOT of weight. I went from a healthy size 10 to a 6, still training 6 times a week and expending a phenomenal number of calories without fueling my body. I was running on empty constantly. I was weak, I looked ill, I was always cold and my mood was unpredictable. Everything seemed to annoy me and I had many a fall out with my boyfriend who probably had no idea what had happened to his once lively, happy girlfriend. I was utterly miserable and I wore baggy clothes to hide this disgusting and hideous bloating that continued to rule my life. I would stand in the mirror sideways for hours. I’d take photographs of my stomach before and after eating for comparisons and I’d cry on the floor about it when I saw the difference. I sought out herbal healers, hypnotherapists, private doctors….you name it, I tried it! I look back on 19 year old me and think, ‘you poor, poor girl. If only you’d just given your stomach time to heal instead of cutting out X,Y and Z, would things have been different?’

Cause 3:

The third cause, (or turning point really) came when I was at breaking point. I’d had enough of not eating anything at all and still being bloated. I was avoiding most food groups but getting nowhere. Naturally, I rebelled and said ‘f*** it’ to the diets: I decided that I would just eat EVERYTHING because I wasn't getting any better either way. Having starved and deprived myself of nutrients and flavours for months, I was like a wild animal, taken over by lust for the food that was forbidden! And that was my first binge. When I finally snapped out of my binge-eating trance, along came new feelings that I’d not really experienced after food before: guilt, followed by a wave of disgust, self loathing and dismay. But that was just the beginning and I thought about gorging on food constantly after that, becoming a regular binge eater. Having practically starved myself for a year, this new way of eating meant I began putting weight back on, but turns out I didn’t like that one bit. I hated seeing yet another unwanted change in my body and desperately sought to control my weight gain. So while binge eating in secret and then punishing myself with additional exercise, misusing laxatives and attempting (but failing) to make myself sick, I went back to the doctor who referred me to a counsellor. It was the counsellor who told me that the food combining diet I had done sounded awfully like slimming world and if I wanted a nutrition plan like that then maybe I should look into it….was she SERIOUS?! To this day I cannot believe that this lady, who must have seen the ED in me, told me to look into another diet. Well obviously, being desperate to lose weight, I went along! Oh and it lasted only a few weeks before the binge cycle kicked  back in and I put the weight I’d lost on again. When I look back now, I was barely a size 10 by this point but in my head I was enormous. After attempting slimming world I just returned to exercising like crazy, not eating, then binging, trying to follow some of my old diets etc and then binging again. Enter the fourth cause.

Cause 4:

Remember my first love? Well, he’d been going out a lot around that time, disappearing off with his friends, leaving me at his house with his family or forgetting to come over to mine. He’d started going out clubbing and drinking almost every weekend and things were ‘off’. Looking back, I’m not surprised because he was a young 20 year old lad and his girlfriend was going through some serious stuff that he couldn't even begin to understand….I barely understood myself! Don’t get me wrong though, I am merely explaining his behaviour, not excusing it. So one night, he tells me that he wants to go on a ‘break’, a bit like the whole Ross and Rachel thing from Friends I guess. I was stunned: why, what, how…? I couldn’t make sense of it. I loved him so much and thought we would be together forever. He was everything I thought I wanted. He told me that he needed to do this so that we could then be together again - it was necessary to strengthen us. ‘Don’t worry,’ he told me, ‘this is so we can get back together again and be happy.’ (Pffffffft?!)

So I went along with it, only to discover that whilst he’d been out partying all those weekends he’d met someone else - someone who I saw as very attractive. But all I could think was, ‘I bet she has a flat stomach….’ How sad, right? Throughout the next year he strung us both along, telling me that he missed me but she she’d fallen in love with him and he didn’t know what to do. He wanted us both. Of course, I was foolish enough to believe his lies and still pandered to him when he called, went to his family’s events and when he said jump, I said how high. I loved him unconditionally, but blindly. I was in constant fear of losing him to the other girl who also loved him and I couldn’t lose. I realise now that this must have been a reflection of the situation with my Mum and Dad. One time, he was coming back from a lad holiday and he’d asked me to go round and wait for him to get back. Before the flight, he’d text me a lovely message about missing me and that he loved me. Anyway, for whatever reason - fear, jealousy, distrust - when he’d fallen asleep I looked through his phone messages. He had been sending identical messages to the both of us. I couldn't believe it. I was beside myself, again! All the while, each and every day my feelings of not being good enough were furiously reinforced. She was better than me and I just wasn’t pretty enough, slim enough, fun enough…..you name it, I thought I wasn’t enough of it.

The final straw was a few weeks later when I met someone I quite liked and began texting him. But, he found out somehow and went bonkers at me. He told me I’d ruined everything now and there was no way we would get back together. Looking back at this I know I should have walked away then and there, but all I felt then was hopeless and full of regret, like somehow this was all my fault. It was around that time I did something I never imagined I’d do: I overdosed on paracetamol.

I had no intention of killing myself at any point, it just sort of happened. I was in so much pain, emotional pain, that I think I confused it with physical pain and I wanted it gone. I wanted to end it all and I also wanted him to be sorry. So it happened out of despair and instantly I regretted it. I thought that I would be OK but after being rushed to the hospital, they took some blood tests and realised I’d taken a dangerous amount. I spent the next two nights on a drip to flush out my system and have a psychiatric assessment. What a fool I’d been and how selfish of me to scare my family like that. Even after that experience I was still in contact with my ex, hoping that we might be together again one day. One day though, I’d had enough of feeling the need to compete with another girl and I asked him to do one thing for me. I told him that if he loved me like he said he did, he could do one thing for me and just be in a relationship with this other girl. I knew this was the only way I could move forwards. And he did it.

After all these years, I’ve completely let go of the hurt and anger I felt towards my ex. I forgive him for everything and actually wish I could apologise for putting him through so much without even realising. I hope he is truly happy with his life and family and thank him for some lovely memories. If only I knew then what I know now.

Cause 6:

Cause number six happened over a number of years when I turned to dieting to make myself more attractive and control my ‘bloat’. I even went as far as having some minor surgery - a form of lipo, to remove the fat from my stomach and hips. It was a traumatic process, both painful and distressing, with a long, long recovery time. I put myself through so much pain and paid a LOT of money just to be my idea of ‘beautiful’. And did the results last? Of course not! Maybe for about 6 months and then the binge eating cycle kicked in again. From then on I entertained a number of dieting mechanisms: I used My Fitness Pal to calorie count, went on the Dukan Diet once (which ended up giving me terrible stomach acid and I spent the night in hospital), had 2 rounds of CBT in between after telling the Dr I was struggling with my feelings, went on My Fitness Pal again, tried another online diet, upped my exercise in all kinds of ways and then went on a diet plan with a trained fitness instructor and coach, which meant that by Summer 2015 I was a very small size 8 and through food combining I had ‘fixed’ my bloating. Oh and was I happy with myself? No. Of course not!! And was the bloating ‘gone’? NO….it returned and my mood changed instantly whenever it happened. I woke up anxious every morning wondering if it would be a good bloat day or a bad one. Could I see how bony I looked? No. Was I relaxed and enjoying life? No. Was I present in the moment? No. There is one silver lining though. What I haven’t told you is that I met the love of my life in that time too - he’s now my fiance and the centre of my universe. I met him when I was 25, through a friend I went to uni with. Having an ED isn’t something you just come out with and in all honesty, I didn't want to admit that I had one then. Food scared the life out of me, but I didn’t show that to anyone. After the first few dates I knew I liked this guy - he was funny and full of life and he made me feel desperate to be part of that. He was the sort of person I wanted to just hang out with. So things progressed and we got together. One morning, after I had stayed at over, I was feeling hungry, like any normal human, but his suggestion for breakfast was….wait for it…..nachos with cheese. Now, my face looked calm and my response was ‘sure’ but on the inside I was having a melt down and my heart was about to beat out of my chest! I was petrified. I knew that I was going to eat some of the nachos and rather than thinking, ‘that’s OK I’ll just have a few and then say I’m full’ I knew that I would have one or two and then the binge eating monster would take, revelling in the taste of a forbidden food. The thing I’ve learnt about forbidden food is that it makes you obsess over it and then when given half a chance to eat it, it’s almost like permission to stuff your face silly. Hunger doesn’t even come into it. I knew that I’d go into ‘f*** it’ mode and eat mindlessly, feeling guilt with every bite. I knew my stomach would bloat after that and I’d then have to do extra gym sessions to pay for the calories. Crazy right? And was he any the wiser? Of course not! I was an expert at hiding it. But, after a year together, it was hard to hide certain things and he began to notice, for example, how excruciatingly long it would take me to choose from a restaurant menu (I’ll go into detail about that in another post). He witnessed my confidence dwindling as I began to put on weight. He watched as I undertook a variety of diets and how much I panicked and cried when we travelled around Europe. For every meal I had to find something I could eat that would fit in with my diet plan and not bloat me out. He loved me and just wanted me to be happy and he felt helpless in being able to do that. But, he stuck by me and told me there was more to me than my ED. I didn't believe him though - it took a lot longer for me to see that. Anyway, I’ll talk more about my relationship in another post.

Back to cause number 6 - you could say it was a combination of a series of diets, losing weight, gaining weight, stress at work (which I haven’t mentioned before but is another one I will come to in a different post) and feeling like this amazing guy who I had fallen in love with would leave me if I wasn’t what I thought to be perfect in every way ( essentially a certain weight, shape and size). Oh how wrong I was. He stuck by me, loved me with all his heart and proposed in Paris a year and a half ago. Of course I said yes. I still had ED issues, as I hadn’t really addressed them but I pushed them to the back of my mind and told myself to snap out of it. It was shortly after that we made the decision to move and teach abroad as he had always wanted to travel and I wasn't happy in my job in the UK anymore. 

The final straw:

So off we went to Singapore, relocating our entire life. Wow, what a whirlwind of change that was which naturally brought with it a whole bunch of stress. Needless to say my ED came out in full force and I constantly mirror checked, cried about how much weight I was putting on, attempted to diet again in so many ways, binged again, over exercised and cried some more. It was when we had just returned from our trip to a beautiful island in Malaysia when I decided I’d had enough of dreading going on holiday because of wearing a bikini and not being able to go to the gym or control what I was eating. What was the point in living this amazing lifestyle where I could travel to Bali, Thailand, Malaysia, Vietnam - the dream life - if I feared it? I wasn’t present. I was stuck in my own head and this ferocious storm cloud followed my every move, ready to attack when I was vulnerable. Oh and it attacked. Not only did it attack but knocked me off my feet, spun me round and spat me back out, with my fiance left to pick up the pieces. I decided to put an end to it all once and for good and, having already read Mel Well’s book The Goddess Revolution, I knew I needed to make changes. It just so happened that an email came through that day with a last chance offer to sign up to Mel’s Goddess Academy which aimed to heal your relationship with yourself and with food. We had been discussing counselling, CBT and all sorts of things to help me but I felt apprehensive in a brand new country. When this came through we both knew I didn’t have anything to lose. And it was the best thing I have ever done. The Goddess Academy has turned my life around, bringing me to the point I am at today. I worked through a series of tutorials, tasks and practices, with support from an amazing network of females on the same journey. Since graduating from The Academy I’ve never been more present and happy in myself and in my life. I now accept my body, love my body, nourish my body, forgive my body, listen to my body and protect my body. I understand my ED and know how to deal with it. I have strategies to cope with my triggers and I don’t need to binge anymore. I despise diets and know that there is no such thing as a ‘diet that really works’. They are NOT sustainable! I am now able to appreciate my incredible life and feel grateful for my friends and family. I feel comfortable in my own skin and I appreciate the little things in life, finding joy in them instead of feeling sad that I don’t look a certain way. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a number of triggers and sometimes old thoughts, feelings and habits creep back in, but they are few and far between now. I am armed with shield and sword to fight them off! So, now I have decided to share this journey with the world because I want to help others find a pathway to freedom from EDs and self loathing. I also really enjoy journaling and writing - it lights me up so that I feel ‘full’ on life and not food. So here I am, This is my story. This the start of another journey to a happier, brighter and upgraded version of me. Enjoy.

[bandedshadows]

Voyager review.

This is long overdue (I was caught up with life stuff and had to stop liveblogging), but I actually finished watching Star Trek: Voyager last week. 

Judging by the length of this post, HOLY SHIT, do I have a lot of feelings.

TL;DR: I’ll give it a 7/10. 

My verdict: 

Voyager had a number of truly extraordinary moments sprinkled among clusters of average to very low points. 

I still loved Janeway a lot, even though there’s notable issues with her characterization. (Kate Mulgrew’s gr9)

Seven’s introduction gave the show a much-needed kick up the next level, but they ended up overdoing it imo.

Some characters are more developed than others, but I found the crew to be generally likeable. 

Continuity? What’s that?

prime directive... prima directa... primal dialga... perma dry roof... pearl digestive... prophylactic dental... partial deposit... parking at disneyland...

I still enjoyed Voyager very much, but oh boy, did this show have many, many flaws. I also took it upon myself to read up on Voyager’s behind-the-scenes issues for context, and jfc, the production is even messier than the text. Put two and two together and it’s obvious why the show took the course it did. 

I’ll go into detail behind the cut. It’s very long. Spoilers ahead :).

[CUT]

I’ll start with the negative points:

The ‘Endgame’ episode was... abrupt. It was still emotionally impactful, but it wasn’t the most graceful way to tie things up. Correct me if I’m wrong, but the show was given fair warning that the 7th season was going to be their last? If that’s the case, I expected more pre-finale plot development before this out-of-pocket Deus Ex Machina plot of future!Janeway pointing out a shortcut to the Alpha Quadrant. Or at least all the Borg encounter episodes could’ve added up to building Voyager’s path home. Endgame’s resolution is acceptable, but it really should’ve been spread out for the last half season. 

The serial, episodic format of Voyager ultimately led to all the aspects in which it fell short. Particularly in continuity and character development. There were bad episodes, average, above average, and then there were GREAT ones. 

But, it’s always Schrodinger’s cat on whether the next episode is going to be watchable or not, as well as which Janeway is going to show up.  

At times, Janeway would be stringent when it comes to the prime directive. Other times she unquestionably abandons Starfleet protocol to be a good samaritan. One day she backs out of complicated situations in order to prevent any losses of life. Another day she’s adamant in achieving her goals even if means accruing some casualties on the way. She gave Harry shit for sleeping with a girl from an alien race without getting medically checked, but then makes out with Devore!Spencer Tracy-lite Bashyk next episode. 

Over the course of the show, Voyager had many episodes that were forgettable. I found myself having to skip a lot of the holodeck fillers (Fair Haven is the worrrrrrssttt), some of the bottle episodes where the crew get first contact with alien races that would predictably betray them, and at times near the end, my fatigue of Seven and the Doctor can get me to tune out of their more unimpressive episodes. 

But then there’s also episodes where they delve deep into character development, but they never acknowledge the character’s growth in any subsequent episodes. The better episodes of Voyager often feel like missed opportunities for more in-depth exploration. B’Elanna undergoing depression was a great plot point that they could have explored more. The episode they did on her about her self-hate for her Klingon half was great but how she came to terms with her Klingon identity felt incomplete. Her character always fascinated me, but I seriously needed more.  #JusticeForB’ElannaTorres

The episode “Mortal Coil”, for example, explores Neelix coping with the loss of his belief system after experiencing death. HIs usual positive outlook was compromised because he realized there’s no heaven and he’s questioning the point of living. Neelix is far from my favourite, but I kind of relate to what he went through. Before the next episode started, it looked like he’s headed to a darker path. Perhaps this change will interfere with his approach to being the morale officer, or he’d don a more assertive aura in future eps. Then he’d be a more interesting character. But NOPE, next episode he’s back to his old sunny self. Missed. Opportunity.

I’m going to echo what I said in this post I made awhile back. I do love Seven’s character, I truly do, but the balanced family dynamic of the crew was special. She didn’t have trouble integrating into the cast, but she pretty much hijacked the show from then on. She’s a great, well-developed character but I found myself longing for the others to get as much depth as she did. 

I just read up on the Jeri Ryan/Brannon Braga stuff,  the beef between Mulgrew and Ryan, the writers willfully shortchanging the actors they don’t like (Beltran, Wang getting less focus episodes), the intense working conditions, and just... the general toxicity of the environment (not to mention Rick Berman’s an ass). I see how the behind the scenes conflicts could’ve influenced the show and now that’s just... really irresponsible.

Now, for the positives!

The writing of her character is flawed, but I thought Captain, *ahem* ADMIRAL Kathryn Janeway was a splendid captain. We wouldn’t know which Janeway showed up each episode, but I love all the versions lmao. Before I binged Voyager, I was already defensive of her from a symbolic standpoint, being the only female captain to lead a show and all. But it turns out that defensiveness was justified. Janeway is both strong, yet fragile. Authoritative, but warm. Adventurous and scientific, but can also get reclusive. She was overly curious, stubborn, and indecisive, but ultimately handled her woes with grace. She proudly demonstrates her iron will, but her empathy for others always prevailed. Her character arc took many paths and turns (intentional or not) but I enjoyed how the character was conducted as the leader of the ship. I felt a different affection she particularly shows to her crew that I don’t think other Trek captains ever did. 

If anything, I have to credit Kate Mulgrew for masking the inconsistent writing quite well. Janeway came off as layered and multi-faceted instead of mischaracterized. 

As for the rest of the cast: they each have their own quirks and they all helped prompt the dynamic of the team. A number of them fell flat towards the end, like Kim & Chakotay, (but I guess it was for the best because of the racist elements of the Chakotay character and Kim’s infantilization. I really wish the writers got more creative with them though.) But either way, all the chracters contributed to the crew in their own way. Each one of them did have a standout episode. They all took a while to find their footing at the beginning, but they all eventually grow into it. 

Now, when Voyager has a great episode, it’s REALLY, REALLY GREAT. 

By far my favourite episode in the entire show is the “Year of Hell”. There’s been plenty of episodes where the crew undertook mishaps but always came out unscathed. But in the “Year of Hell”, this conflict took the crew to dark, new places that really challenged their limits. They were plunged in a darker place of total despondence and desperation, where they got in each other’s nerves, they sacrificed things they love, and the situation tested their hope and will for survival. The desperate situation made for compelling interaction between the characters in how their dynamic changed after their morals were compromised. I also enjoy the laid back nature of Voyager, but I do wonder what it would’ve been like if the whole show had been like this?

Other favourites were: 

Living Witness-- a poignant examination of the nuances behind historical remembrance. An issue that is still relevant today. At first I was going to be annoyed if the point of the story is to clear Voyager’s good name, but later on, The Doctor says that the obsolete Voyager’s reputation is irrelevant to the creating peace between the two factions. *cough*Japan downplaying wartime aggression to clear their name*cough*

Timeless-- just a well-done episode. Yes, once again, they dabble into alternate timelines, but this episode brings such emotional weight and splendidly tackles the issue of survivor’s guilt. Kim’s finest moment. Also, Geordi my king!

Deadlock-- Another space-time episode, but the duplicates really posed a formidable challenge to the crew. It was also a testament to their nobility and sacrifice.

Scorpion-- the game-changer for the show. Also, Seven’s first appearance!

Equinox-- again, this episode featured the crew encountering a real moral dilemma. One of the few episodes that treated the prime directive with a non-simplistic, nuanced approach.

Resolutions, The Chute - ‘cause I’m shipper trash.

Anyway, this was tiring to write. I’m thinking of taking a break from sci-fi shows for a while, then maybe I’ll rewatch TNG or BSG again. Voyager was the only Trek I haven’t watched chronologically and it was nice to witness ‘new’ Star Trek again. This is really long, but I spent over 120 hours watching this, sooooo...

[hyttesanger]

We’re Just Trying To Help

T | Yoo Jiae | Ryu Sujeong x Jung Yein | Seo Jisoo

based on prompt “I sent a selfie of myself in the tub to the wrong person and you responded back with another selfie. Holy shit you’re so attractive.”

Jiae realized she's more inclined romantically towards girls for the first time during her high school days. Ever since, she's been endlessly chasing one crush after another - senior in the cooking club, smarty pants who seemed to be camping 24/7 inside the school's library, cool tomboy who were ace of volleyball club, cute girl next door, the list could go on forever - only to get turned down mercilessly every single time.

She doesn't know what is it that have gone so wrong with herself. When it comes to appearance, Jiae's pretty confident with her looks, her baby face doesn't seem aging at all for years, she also has good fashion sense. She's kind and mature, the type who will devote herself to people she loves. Not to mention Jiae's also an outstanding cook and very well organized person, this facts guarantee whoever gets to be her girlfriend will never be underfed. But even with such qualities, apparently she still isn't attractive enough for girls to spare some attentions at her.

So here she is now, twenty three and lonely and sad, spending her Friday night thirdwheeling her best friends' date in trendy gay cafe in one corner of Itaewon.

"How did these people get to meet each other, I wonder..." Jiae stares longingly at couples scattered in dozen of tables around them. "I've been trying anything to have just one girlfriend since forever ago but nothing worked."

"I have lots of female acquaintances. Wanna try send tits pic to any of them?" Yein's answer almost get Jiae spit the mineral water she's been drink through nose.

"Is that how you managed to woo Sujeong?" Jiae scrunches her face, half-disgusted and half-terrorized with the idea.

"Nah, she was manager of gymnastic team. Why would I need to send nudes if she walked in everytime I changed in dressing room? She'd practically seen everything in the flesh." Yein simply shrugs, stabbing her cake with fork then bringing it into her mouth.

"But I did few times in past. Because of boredom, you know." She continues, raising her brows suggestively. "Just try it."

"NO. Oh god you're so unbelieveably twisted."

"What twisted?" Sujeong comes back with strawberry smoothie in hand, startling both of them.

"Your girl— OUCH!" Beneath the table, Yein steps on Jiae’s foot hard.

"Jiae unnie, didn't you say you're hungry? Get anything you want, my treat for our pitiful, single and so desperately ready to mingle lady." She hands her credit card, deceptive angelic smile on her face. Obviously unable to say no to free cakes, Jiae gets up, still sending one last dangerous glare before walks to the long queue on the cafe's counter.

"What were you two talking about?" Sujeong slides into the fluffy pink loveseat, instantly snuggling up to Yein's shoulder.

"Nothing, babe. Just random jokes." Ignoring her girlfriend, Yein takes Jiae's phone which left unattended on their table. "Hey, don't you think it's about time we lend helping hands to save Jiae unnie's love life."

"Help... How?" Sujeong watches in confusion as Yein goes through Jiae's pictures gallery. Another free hand scrolls down her own contacts and a roguish smirk tugs the corner of her mouth.

"Just wait and see."

———————  

07:15 AM

Missed Calls Jiae Unnie (8)

———————  

Sujeong wakes up to the voice of Jiae shouting both her and her girlfriend's names so loudly, accompanied by series of evenly loud bangs on the door, and persistent incoming call tones from her phone. It's like the older girl has been trying every possible annoying way to prevent them from having a much-needed sleep on weekend. She throws off their comforter aside and gets up to answer the door. Rolling across the bed, Yein growls demanding her warmth back, but Sujeong couldn't care less.

"Unnie, it's seven in the morning. What— Whoa!"

"Where's that damned freak girlfriend of yours?!" Jiae nearly shrieks, pushing Sujeong slightly as she's making her way down the entrance of her friends' flat and towards the bedroom. "Yah Jung Yein! Come out you friggin' flaky asshole!"

"You— Why did you send my pic to stranger?!"

Yein is fully awake now, wearing an over-sized t-shirt and pretty much nothing else. She sits ever so calmly in bed with smug smile as Jiae charges forward, looking like she's about to throw the phone at her hand to Yein's face squarely.

"Mhm. How did it go? She replied?"

"She sent back half-naked pic!" Jiae is literally screaming now, shaking Yein violently by the shoulders, her whole face cherry red. "And it turned out she's someone from college! Jesus Christ what am I gonna do now!"

"Wow that's beyond my expectation." Yein burst out cackling. Oh how Jiae wishes no one else is present so right now she could beat some sense into this brat who knows no sense of decency.

"Lemme take a look."

Jiae immediately puts her phone back to her jeans pocket, once again hollering when Yein jumps at her and frantically tries to get the device with force. With Sujeong suddenly joins in, no way in hell Jiae could win this impromptu wrestling match against two giant demons.

"Yah!! Give it back, you two rude hell children!" Her aggresive protest falls to deaf ears, their gazes poised on the screen, mouths agape.

The first pic is of Jiae, lying inside a luxurious bathtub, abundant of transparent pink bubble slightly covering some parts of her body. It was taken by Yein and Mijoo in hotel room during their holiday to Canada last year, and all of them were wasted, sooooo much wasted to the point Jiae would unthinkingly agree to take such humiliating - flattering, her friends said back then - photograph. And last night while Jiae was out ordering for all the most expensive cakes in the menu, Yein had sent the very cursed photo to someone she chose randomly from her phonebook.

Below it, are few sentences of reply and selca of equally good looking woman. The said woman was standing by the bathroom vain, wearing sinfully sheer nightgown, her long dark hair tied up messily into loose bun with few wild strands falling to her face.

I don't know if there's a mistake and the pic was meant for somebody else entirely, but in all of honesty, that's some attractive features you got there.

I think I've seen you before, are you from Woollim as well? I'm on art department, the name's Jisoo. Wanna talk more? <3

"Holy shit! She's so..." Sujeong is the first one to comment.

"Hot. I know." Jiae looks away, one hand covering her face in shame.

"I see you like this girl, eh?" Now Yein's laughing again. This has been a very amusing morning she can't even complain to be woken up so early on Saturday. "So what are you waiting for, unnie?? Go get her!"

"I don't even know what to explain to her, dimwit!"

"Well just tell her straight away you want to know her more." Yein says, all non-chalance. "If I remember correctly Seo Jisoo is the TA for my intro to fine art class, means she's probably also in her last year, same age as you. Not sure how did I end up having her number tho. She seemed nice, anyway."

"TA? She's a fucking TA?" Jiae bemoans in frustration. "Jung Yein what else could you possibly do to ruin my entire life even more!"

"Isn't it good that she's TA? I mean, she can teach you things, if you know what I mean."

"Shut up! You two have been hanging around Mijoo and Soojung unnie way too much they have corrupted your minds with impropriety!" Jiae hisses in disbelief. This is disaster, all of her friends have been turning to satan one by one.

"Well I daresay you wouldn't say so later, once you've got laid. Look at those gorgeous, soft skin—"

Yein abruptly seals her lips when Jiae actually leaps at her, then opens it again only to let out crass laughter as the shorter girl attacking her with tickles. They both fall back to the bed, blanket and cover all kicked haphazardly, high volume screams cutting through the air....

Until there's a short ding! sound. They stop, two heads slowly turn to Sujeong, whose presence has been forgotten for awhile. The girl is typing something on Jiae's phone, satisfied grin on her lips.

Realizing she's been caught, Sujeong throws the phone down onto the bed, signaling her girlfriend to escape once Jiae manages to get her hand on the poor device.

Yes, will be very pleased to do so. Tbh I'm kinda wondering if you want to chat over dinner and then.. I don't know, having some hot showering session together? ;)

Sounds like a plan. Text me the place and time later, ok?

Sure. I'll let you know soon.

"YAH!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU BOTH!"

“We’re just trying to help!”

———————

[simonesamuels]

I had a major epiphany last week.  Are you ready for it?

It’s not you.

It’s not me.

I am actually not necessarily the cause of all of my problems.

Some of you probably just read that and thought “duh,” but this was an earth-shattering, ground-breaking revelation for me.

I know I wrote about something similar in a recent post, but I felt like I had to reiterate it again.  I think it bears repeating.

It’s not you.  And it’s actually not me.

I can be very hard on myself.  When I look the great pervasive (read: utterly baffling to the point that they keep me up at night and have me crying in my journal) questions of my life (Why am I single?  Why don’t I lose weight?  Why aren’t my Zumba classes growing? Why did I fail the bar? Why? Why? Why?!!!!), the answers I come up with have historically been rooted in finding something deeply and desperately wrong with me (You’re not pretty enough.  You’re too picky.  You’re too religious.  You’re too self-sufficient.  You’re not interesting enough.  You’re not fit enough.  You need to eat better.   You’re not doing enough strength training.  You’re slow.  You’re too fat. You sometimes act like a know-it-all.  You lack discipline.  You didn’t study hard enough.  You didn’t pray hard enough.  You didn’t trust God enough.  You didn’t have enough faith.  You trusted God too much and didn’t work hard enough.  You misunderstood or misapplied some sort of discrete, obscure Biblical teaching.  Your class is too hard.  Your teaching style sucks.  You’re hard to follow.  You’re not fun.  They don’t like your music.).

(Side note: I realize that half all of these are “lies!” *Tamar voice*)

(God I miss having Tamar on “The Real”.  Oh the lies we tell ourselves.  But I digress…)

“Yourself to Blame”

If things go bad for you And make you a bit ashamed Often you will find out that You have yourself to blame

Swiftly we ran to mischief And then the bad luck came Why do we fault others? We have ourselves to blame

Whatever happens to us, Here is what we say “Had it not been for so-and-so Things wouldn’t have gone that way.”

And if you are short of friends, I’ll tell you what to do Make an examination, You’ll find the faults in you…

You’re the captain of your ship, So agree with the same If you travel downward You have yourself to blame

We are taught in our culture that we are solely responsible for our own successes… and failures.  That if there is something that is wrong in our life, it is up to us to fix it.  After all, we need to pick up ourselves by the bootstraps.  God only helps those who help themselves (which is not written anywhere in the sixty-six books of the Bible, by the way).  We are taught to analyze our role in our disappointments.  We are taught to take responsibility for our actions — and the outcomes.  Sara Eckel writes in her book It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single (this book has become my saving grace/bible), “We’re a nation that believes strongly in personal efficacy — if there’s something in your life that isn’t working quite the way you’d like, then the problem must begin and end with you.  Even people diagnosed with serious illnesses are instructed to maintain a positive attitude, as if that will make the cancer go away.”  This entire message of responsibility and taking action was meant to be empowering, to teach us not to live life passively, to take charge of our lives, and to be active in creating the change we want to see.

What has happened, however, is many of us have taken these messages to heart, and when things don’t work out the way we planned or despite our best efforts, we take it out on ourselves because we have learned that there is no one else to blame, and it is childish and immature to blame our misfortunes on others.

Where these cultural messages fail and fall short, however, is they leave no room for fate, circumstance or situations beyond our control.  My life is teaching me that sometimes it’s not my fault, and that while I own my actions, I don’t control the outcome (Proverbs 16:33).  I’m learning that sometimes — many times — it’s not me.  It’s just the circumstance in which I find myself.

In case this all seems abstract, let me explain.

Last week Sunday, I went to Movati Trainyards to teach Aqua Zumba only to see that my class had doubled in size from the week prior.  If you read my last post in my Chronicles of a Plus-Sized Zumba Instructor series, ever since I started out as a group fitness instructor, I’ve had small class sizes.  Perhaps I am not as popular as I had expected/wanted to be (Side bar: Sooooo… you should know that I have a slight preoccupation with class sizes that I need to get over).  My Aqua Zumba class at Carlingwood, on the other hand, has now dwindled to about 2 or 4 people on a Monday and Wednesday.  But lo and behold — here I was that Sunday at Trainyards and I was greeted by 20 smiling women in the shallow end.  I was so taken aback I began thinking about what would happen if this class grows anymore.  It was a pleasant surprise. 🙂

So what changed?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  At least, I didn’t change.  I had the same choreography as the week prior.  I teach the same choreo at Carlingwood and Trainyards.  I didn’t really change my songs.  I’m the same person and I teach the same way at all of the facilities where I teach.  The only change I could think of was that we turned the page from the month of April to May.  Similarly, my “land” Zumba classes are also growing.

It got me thinking… “Hmm… So maybe the size of my classes is not directly correlative to my teaching after all.” Yes Simone. Maybe it’s the weather.

In my earlier days of teaching Zumba, there was a lady in my class who would hardly acknowledge my existence when I said “hi” or “bye” to her.  Months went by.  I wondered why she was so shy and why she would never make eye contact with me.  One night, after class, after everyone had left, she came back into the studio and we chatted a bit (much to my great surprise!).  I learned that one of my songs — “YMCA” by the Village People — reminded her of her ex-husband who she discovered was gay….  Hmm… It got me thinking, “Maybe it’s not your teaching after all.  Maybe people don’t make eye contact with you because they are hurting.”  Basically, maybe it’s not you.

I have finally swallowed my pride and I’m seeing a therapist.  We talked about the bar exam (among other things).  She said, “It makes no sense — to have all of these good grades and then fail the exam over and over?”  I nodded.  We determined that it wasn’t necessarily my studying strategy — it was how the law societies test students, how they give feedback (or not, depending on the law society) and the fact that I don’t typically do well on multiple choice exams (I already knew that though).  There are systemic issues to be taken into account as well.  Bar exams, especially the Ontario bar, don’t test knowledge; they test a student’s ability to test well.  They test how well one can conform to testing mechanisms and how well one can perform under manufactured stressful circumstances.

Basically, it’s not completely my fault.  It’s not me (or, at least, it’s not just me).

Every once in a while, I’ve been having “coffee” with this guy I used to work with.  Ok  yes — he’s cute, but it’s nothing serious — just someone to talk to and touch base with once in a while.  He’s currently finishing up his dissertation, and he shared with me the challenges of trying to date while writing a thesis, and the difficulty in and inevitability of breaking off these budding relationships due to competing obligations.

Let’s pretend this was actually going somewhere (because who knows — the jury’s still out on this one.  God I hope he is not reading this post!!!).  If he hadn’t shared that tidbit of information with me, and if he had suddenly stopped all communication, I would definitely have personalized it (“Another one bites the dust.” “Maybe I’m not interesting enough?!” “Maybe I’m not attractive.” “What is it about me that make men run?”).

But now I know that if I don’t hear from him for some time — it wasn’t necessarily my fault.  It’s not me.  He has a thesis to finish.  That’s important, and I can’t blame him.  He may not have intended it as such, but I’ve been forewarned.

Last year, a guy invited me over to his place and cooked me dinner.  Yes.  I know right?  I was like, “Wow.  Finally!  A real date!  Yay!”  A friend of mine later told me that this very male friend of mine — yes the one who cooked me dinner and danced salsa with me in his kitchen — was gay.

Again, if I didn’t know, and the person had suddenly stopped expressing interest, I would have torn into myself and picked at each one of my flaws one by one.  Sometimes it’s not you.  Sometimes the guy is gay.

Knowing all of this background information helps me put my many insecurities at rest, keeps me from beating myself up, allows me to cut myself some slack and permits me to extend myself some grace.

What I am trying to say is that so many of us blame ourselves for our failed love lives (or lives in general).  Our friends and our relatives often join in too (hurray!).  The thing is, often times there is more going on behind the scenes to which we are not privy.  There are other factors and challenges unbeknownst to us and having absolutely nothing to do with us.  Sometimes it’s as simple as the right person but wrong time.  You can’t change that.  It’s not a matter of will or effort.  It’s a matter of fate and faith.  And so when something seemingly promising doesn’t work out, sometimes — many times — it’s not you.  It really isn’t.

So I sigh with a deep sigh of relief.  Knowing it’s not me is a comforting thought.  It relieves me of guilt.  It keeps me from holding a magnifying glass to my flaws.  I rest in peace.  It allows me to move on and go forward.

It helps me exercise more self-compassion.  And by exercising more self-compassion, it helps me be more compassionate and empathetic in general, which I think is important.

I wrote in my “Sometimes It’s Not You” post:

Sometimes it’s not you.  Sometimes you can be doing all of the right things but not seeing the desired outcome.  You can be eating well and having sex and still not get pregnant.  You can be exercising and eating well and still not lose weight.  You can be dating a whole bunch of people, “putting yourself out there” as they say, and still be hopelessly single.  You can study hard for an exam and still fail.  You can be giving your all as a group fitness instructor, and still have a small class.  Sometimes it’s not you.  Sometimes it’s just the circumstance.  Part of life is learning how to live with the discomfort and yet still move forward.  Not that you need to be a victim of circumstance, but each disappointment gives us an opportunity to address the unrelenting question, “Now what?” and our answer will determine the scope and depth of our disappointment.  Sometimes the answer is, “I’ve given all that I got.  Imma just do me and enjoy the ride.” And that’s ok too.

Sara Eckel writes in her book, responding to the reception and acclaim of her New York Times article, “Sometimes It’s Not You”, “I think I reconnected them with a small kernel of wisdom they already had, one that said, I don’t think I need to change.  I think I’m perfectly lovable, exactly as I am.”

I am perfectly lovable, exactly as I am.

I am perfectly lovable, exactly as I am.  It’s not me. *Sighs deep sigh of relief*

In closing, to quote Sara Eckel again (God I love her), “What’s wrong with me?  Plenty.  But that was never the point.”

Featured Photo Credit: Brian Rea

It’s Not You: Why We Need to Stop Blaming Ourselves for Every Little Thing I had a major epiphany last week.  Are you ready for it? It's not you. It's not me.