#i feel bad i didnt write anything new but i realized i never posted this so why not

[gracetoldmeto]

Lemon Muffins and Gin

🎂 Happy Birthday Mello 🎁

dedicated to @mamaturtle11 for your inspiration and endless support ❤️💛

| 1.4k | canon compliant m&m | read on ao3 |

Summary:

Years after leaving Wammy's, Mello shows up suddenly at Matt's door with a handle of gin. Matt knows Mello isn't here just to reminisce.

Knock knock knock.

The loud and accented rapping on the door woke Matt who was haphazardly asleep on the couch.

“What the…” the tired redhead awoke but had to take a minute to get his bearings before responding.

Who could be knocking on his door at the 3 in the goddamn morning? He wasn’t late on rent, that wasn’t due until the 1st of the month, and today was only the 13th. His next-door neighbor was out of town, as he always announced to the building. Matt never understood why he would leave letters asking to look out for the cheap 300 sq ft apartment, but he did anyway. I mean, its not like there was anything better to do anyway.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

The rapping on the door was even louder and more punctuated this time but Matt decided it wasn’t worth it to answer regardless of who it was.

“Go away,” he groggily shouted. “Some people are trying to sleep y’know.” Matt continued, unintuitively toward the door in his half awake and exhausted state.

But the door replied. “You’d be making a mistake to turn this away.”

Matt froze. He knew that voice. He pinched himself. Nope, not dreaming.

That voice had been ingrained into his brain ever since he was a kid, but he couldn’t place it, or maybe he didn’t want to place it. It seemed to be part of his DNA but he just couldn’t discern what sequence.

The voice spoke through the door again. “I know you are in there Matty. Open the fucking door.”

No way. There was no way. He must be dreaming.

Matt pinched himself again. He still didn’t wake up.

These occurrences only happened in his dreams, not reality. Matt continued to contemplate what he was hearing until two words sealed the deal.

“Mail Jeevas!” Matt heard this name spoken from the hallway. “I know you will open this door.” There was only one person with that stern of a voice who knew his name. His real name. Matt dragged himself from the couch and lumbered over to the door, unlocking the deadbolt.

Matt, as if this disturbance had happened dozens of times before, swung open the door only enough to fit his slim body against the door frame.

Matt looked him up and down. “Mello.” Matt said nonchalantly, even though he was beyond surprised, and a bit worried, at the sight he was seeing from his front door.

Mello had changed since Wammy’s. He’d grown quite a bit taller even though Matt still had a few inches on him. The black long sleeve t-shirt he’d always worn was replaced with a tailored leather jacket.

It looked good on him. It accentuated his angles and intensified his presence. It made a boy who was rough around the edges into a man who could cut you with a single gaze.

He had grown into himself.

He looked good.

“Took you long enough.” The blonde replied, obviously annoyed at the lack of response from the resident of the apartment door he was knocking on.

Matt annoyedly rubbed his sleepy eyes with the back of his hand. His goggles hung at his neck. “What the FUCK are you doing here?” Matt shot back at Mello, not moving allowing the blonde any forward movement into his home.

“I was in the area and thought you might want to catch up.” Mello responded. ”It’s been awhile, Mail he smirked.

Mello seemed earnest in his voice, but Matt knew this was not just a social call. Mello needed something from him, obviously. Why else would his best friend show face after falling off the face of the planet for years on end?

“Fuck off, Mels.” Matt turned and began to shut the door. He wasn’t interested in hearing any excuses the blonde had.

Saying yes to Mello meant saying yes to trouble.

Mello shoved his gloved hand between the door and the door frame with a powerful slam, preventing it from closing. Matt startled. Mello was strong now too.

“You can make time for me.” Mello tilted his head and antagonistically smirked again, knowing what Matt would eventually decide. Mello glanced toward his arm cradling a paper bag. “Besides, I brought gifts."

***

The full handle of gin was now over halfway gone, and Matt was drunk. He could handle his alcohol well. And so could Mello. But the challenge of going shot for shot with his oldest friend and favorite liquor was too inviting to pass up. The both of them combined had drank nearly a liter of booze in their stomach in total.

Mello was starting to get more and more irritable the more he drank. Typical. “Do you have anything to eat?”

Matt paused. His thoughts were trudging along at an incredibly slow pace. Each word he was about to say would get stuck on a distraction like peanut butter on the roof of your mouth. Thinking took an increasing amount of effort and time. “I think… I have some… muffins?”

“Hmmm?” Mello’s eyes lit up slightly as he replied, clearly intrigued.

“Le… Lemon muffins actually.” Matt continued. “Those used to be your favorite, right?” Matt had no idea why he remembered this fact, let alone why he bought the muffins to begin with, but for some reason it was important for him to remember. And wanted to remind Mello of that.

Mello paused, drunkenly processing one word at a time. “Favorite? I’unno, I guess… when we were kids.”

But Matt knew he was right. Mello’s complacency was usually an act. That blond bitch had a goddamn opinion about everything all of the fucking time. And Matt knew Mello loved those cute little pastries.

Back at the house, Mello bought 4 of them every time they went to the corner market a few miles down the main road.

Matt, on the other hand, used to sneak a fifth of gin out of the same market all the time by concealing it in his underwear. He was thankfully never caught, but there were an endless number of close calls.

Matt stood up and grabbed the plastic container of muffins from the pantry to bring back to the pair of them. He swatted his overflowing ashtray out of the way and placed the container on the sorry excuse for a coffee table before sprawling back on the floor next to Mello.

“What an interesting combo we have here.” Matt pointed out, hand on his stomach, palm on his forehead, drunkenly giggling.

Mello paused, hesitantly, “What do you mean?”

“Lemon muffins…” he pointe, “and gin!?” Matt continued to laugh. “I never thought I’d see us together with these two items ever again after we graduated.” …or left. Crap, wrong word. Mello had never graduated. Matt paused, realizing is mistake and turned away. His expression hardened.

Mello saw the nostalgia wash over Matt’s face, but he didn’t call him out on it. “Me neither.”

Matt turned back to Mello. “So,” another pause. Matt’s face did not soften in the slightest. He was going to regret asking this.

“What do you need from me this time?”

Mello swallowed another ounce of gin and nearly coughed. It was subtle. Matt did not notice. Matt bringing up business first? Interesting. Yet Mello replied promptly. “I need you to help me with a job.”

There it was. That’s how it was always going to be with Mello. An entitled bastard who thought he could run from everything and still end up on top. Pathetic.

Yet all it took was a few lemon muffins and gin to get back to where they started all those years ago. Such an odd combo, but the combination was unmatched.

Matt contemplated Mello’s comment. Getting involved with the leather-clad blonde was getting more dangerous by the day. Yet he couldn’t resist the naive promise he had made to his best friend when they were kids.

Mello may not be one to keep his promises, but Matt wasn’t like him. Mello had power. But all Matt had was the value of his word.

So, Matt took a deep breath and responded with an answer to one of the last important questions in his life. “What do you need me to do?”

Mello grinned. Matt hadn’t changed. This was almost too easy.

fin

[kingofbodyrolls]

BTS fic recs: June 2023

I've finally gotten back to reading again, so I wanted to make a monthly rec list of my favorite readings for that given month 🥰 All the fics on this list hold a dear place in my heart 🥹

I want to thank each and every writer on this list for creating such wonderful stories and art - you are truly amazing ✨ 

If you read anything on this list and you like it, please leave a comment to the writer or reblog the original fic’s post ♥ 

BTS fic rec index → May |💜| Jul | Aug | Sep (jjk)(knj) | Oct (pjm) | Nov (*) | Dec (ksj)(kth) |

Emoji meaning → angst = 🌩️, smut = 🥵, fluff = 🥰, comedy = 😂, personal favorites = 💯. 

⭐The Boy with Galaxies in His Eyes 💯 by @oddinary4bts​ // jjk x reader // idol!au + fwb2l // 🌩️🥵🥰

📝 You had never thought the night sky could be found in someone’s eyes. That is, until you met Jeon Jungkook and his gravity pulled you in. Will he crush you with the galaxies in his eyes, or will you learn to explore his worlds and make them yours?

🗨️ It is a long one, but damn is it worth it! It will take you for the very best rollercoaster ride of your life. So if you haven’t read this yet, what are you honestly doing with your life? 

⭐The Boy with Galaxies in His Eyes: The First Time (drabble) by @oddinary4bts  // jjk x reader // idol!au + fwb2l // 🥵🥰

📝 Jeon Jungkook is an enigma of galaxies and black holes. When he texts you to hang out late at night, you can’t resist the gravity of him. After all, you’ve always been a sucker for outer space.

🗨️ This is a drabble of their first time together and if you read the parent fic, promise me you won’t sleep on this one! ✨

⭐I want to be with you 💯 by @oddinary4bts  // pjm x reader // idol!au + s2f2l (fan) // 🌩️🥵🥰

📝 Moving to Seoul has always seemed like a good idea, until the bubble bursts when you realize your new neighbor is Park Jimin, and he’s not the sweet angel you’ve always imagined him to be. Will the reality of Park Jimin forever be a nightmare, or will he turn into a sweet dream?

🗨️ This was the first idol!au that I loved (and made me read the others). I adore this and I will read it again sometime 🥰

⭐Beneath the Water 💯 by @jungshookz  // pjm x reader // fantasy!au + mermaid!au // 🌩️🥵🥰😂

📝 His legs were sparkling. You looked up from his face slowly and towards his legs, your head tilting in confusion when you were met with the sight of… well, it certainly wasn’t a pair of legs. What the fuck?

🗨️ This is just perfect; a tiny bit angst, gold certified comedy and fluff (with a sprinkle of smut). There’s also a bullet point drabble of this, so please check that out too (here).

⭐Failure to Communicate by @gukslut and @stutterfly​ // pjm x reader // college!au + r2l // 🌩️🥵😂

📝 Could either of you write an enemies to lover story about jimin and y/n set in college where he was her TA and got her kicked out of her major bc he didnt give her the grade she needed and was generally unhelpful?

🗨️ I don’t have much to say, just go read it - it speaks for itself ✨

⭐On Mute by @yoon-kooks​ // jjk x reader // office!au, coworkers!au, fuckboy!gamer!jjk + f2l // 🥵🥰

📝 You always assumed your handsome coworker was down to fuck anyone in the office except for you. He always assumed you weren’t interested in a guy like him. And both of you were content with never admitting your feelings… until he unknowingly confides in you in the realms of a certain tactical FPS game.

🗨️ It’s just so cute and wholesome 🥹

⭐Make Me 💯 by @jikookiekosmos​ // pjm x reader // office!au, boss!jimin/employee!reader + dom/sub themes // 🥵🥰🌩️

📝 After a bad breakup, you decide to go out one night and drink your sorrows away - that is, until you see your now ex-boyfriend there with someone clinging to his arm. To get your mind off of things, you go back to your job after hours; what you don’t expect is for your boss and CEO of the company, Park Jimin, to show up and offer you help in ways you didn’t know you needed.

🗨️ It has heavy dom/sub themes (which I’m normally not into, but imma switch for this one!). It is incredibly hot and so, so damn perfect 🥵

⭐Pay Attention 💯 by @jikookiekosmos​ // pjm x reader // office!au, boss!jimin/employee!reader + dom/sub themes // 🥵🥰

📝 You’d mentioned it in passing once before, your fantasy about blowing your boss - and now boyfriend - under his desk during one of his important CEO business meetings. So what happens when you want to turn that fantasy into a reality, and he wants it just as much?

🗨️ This is a sequel to ‘Make Me’ (but can be read as a stand-alone) - and it is just pure dirty smut. The dynamic between reader and Jimin is just so good ✨

⭐On Call: part 1 & On Call: part 2 by @yoonjinkooked​ // jjk x reader // s2l + rom-com // 🥵😂

📝 After a catastrophic first date, you end up leaving the hospital angry, tired and date-less. Hoping to have a drink or five, you end up in a nearby bar, sitting next to the same doctor who caught your eye earlier. 

🗨️ Both parts are really, really good!

⭐Shake Shack 💯 by @kth1​ // pjm x reader // s2l (though they went to the same high school) // 🥵🥰

📝 Crushing on a man ever since high school, you failed time and time again to actively talk to him. Until one sweaty summer day, you finally developed the courage to ask him out on a date.

🗨️ The story is so good, perfect amounts of sweet, a bit fluffy and then downright saucy!

⭐A Night at the Mall by @bunnybubae​ // jjk x reader // f2l // 🥵🥰

📝 Your best friend Jungkook works as a security guard at the mall and everything takes an interesting twist when you go to visit him during his shift on a friday night.

🗨️ Jungkook is so sweet and funny in this, ahh.

⭐Backtrack 💯 by @mapofthesea​ // myg x pjm x reader // producers!yoonmin, assistant!reader, bi!yoongi // 🥵🥰

📝 There’s no telling just how long you’d been stuck in the windowless studio, and you’re just about ready to walk out and forfeit your paycheck for the week, until your bosses strike up an interesting bargain.

🗨️ Holy fuck 🥵 I feel like I need to take a very long shower now 🫣🫣🫣 this is probably one of the dirtiest fics I’ve read. It’s so good 🤤

⭐The Forgotten Spaces [completed series] 💯 by @oddinary4bts​ // jjk x reader // college!au, dancer!au + e2l // 🌩️🥵🥰

📝 you’ve been dancing on the same dance crew since your teenage years, and you finally have an important role in it. It feels like life is taunting you when your rival comes back after disappearing for a year, ready to tease you every chance he gets. Will the teasing turn into more, or are you going to take him down with you?

🗨️ This is truly a masterpiece! The writing is perfection and the characters have so much soul, dimension, hurt and love. It is exceptional 👏🏾♥️ you just have to read this gem 💎

Thank you so much for going through my recommendations! I hope you find something that you like and show it some love. All of these fics and writers have inspired me to write again, so I'm finally working on my own stuff again (it’s been like 7+ years, yikes 🙈). Hopefully I'll actually finish something this time 😂 but damn it feels good to write again ♥ 

If you should be interested in more BTS fic recs please find more here 😀

[bisquuet]

hi! still alive! AN UPDATE: LONG READ :D no new devlin content since im focusing on my oc comic :( ( speaking of comics. remember that other comic i posted here like once and never talked about it again?? yeah.. ) - lets talk about that. will i ever go back to that comic? -yes, when? i don't know.. i realized i went into the comic very.. unprepared.. or less prepared than i thought i was. so it got me second guessing things and getting confused..!! i have a VAGUE idea of how I want it to go, or atleast i DID, now im not so sure.. I think i need to sit down, splurge out my thoughts and ideas and go from there,, now i technically have a WHOLE post that is done that was supposed to be dropped shortly after the first one. but i thought to myself, oh ill just work on the next update and once im halfway THEN ill drop the second one! i never got halfway. i ended up just sketching more up ahead and adjusting and ''fixing'' things in the second update. making me loose track of time and getting behind, not only i had school to deal with too! so i just have a LOT of storyboarding of pages...that im slighlty afraid of looking at cuz i know that ill want to fix it but ill be unmotivated to actually fix it.. (bad rawr!!) eventually i have to get to it..!! >< ANOTHER major factor of the delay was my confidence, i wasn't satisifed and even frustrated at times when something didnt come out as good as it did in my head. i REALLY like the first update pages! especially devlins scene! but i think i got too ahead of myself and put WAY too much onto my plate, raising expections, of others and myself, mostly myself.... and I was trying to copy to a manga style, rather than convert my style normally into a manga setting, if that makes any sense. so i wasnt.... 'comfortable' drawing.. i dont know how else to describe it! but ever since then and even before, ive been getting less confident with my art and my style, feeling like its ugly or its getting worse. forcing myself to keep drawing, straining myself trying to make something that looks good to me. i have lots of fun and joy drawing for others, the reason i draw is BECUZ i just want to share what i make! as shallow as it sounds i like creating content for others to enjoy! it makes me happy and proud of what i draw! so. when i make something i dont like, i cant bring myself to show it cuz I dont like it.. others may, but that wouldnt change how i would feel about it. i felt that way deeply with the second update, which is why i kept tweaking it,,, and so I just let myself get caught up with other things.. feeling upset and guilty that I kinda just.. abandonded the comic..! saying that ill pracitce and oh ill do that , i Need to do this and this and this when i havent even done ANYTHING! i think, and i genuinely mean this, i think ive only recently started to ACTUALLY do things.! like development for my OC comic, writing for it, making content and sharing about them to whoever would lend an ear! so in a way the seewar comic walked so that my OC comic could run, hopefully.. so, unfortunately ill be focsuing more of my attention on my OC comic, and i honestly can't promise anything. the only thing i CAN say is that i will share the second update that i finished long ago.., no matter how much internal rawr doesnt want to, i feel like thats the first step to overcoming this fear and dread ive associate with the comic, which is something i DONT want. ill be scheudling to drop this weekend since ill be away.. i dont know when ill actively start working on the seewar comic again becuz i genuinely want to finish it and share it, i just have to not be too ambitious and plan out whats necessary. anyways.. now that school is out im finally paying all of my debts and owed art.. its rough but it has to be done. thanks if you have read all of this,, i greatly appreacite the support, from friends and followers, fossils, (thats what my fans are called wink wink) love yall fr <3

[freebooter4ever]

So you guys know i (try to) post daily doodles, and i have said before that i draw for about 2-3 hrs every night. BUT that also means i dont post about like 80-90% of the drawings i do each night. Today though, i've been thinking about A*I and my own relationship with drawing, and how utterly baffled i am that anyone would want to use it to like...draw for them..and how the concept that *tell a computer what art to do so i dont have to do it* is alien to me. So here's ALL the drawings i did tonight. The bottom one is the last one i did and the one i would normally post. And i want to talk about A*I without talking about good or bad end product. Because i dont care if im making the shittiest art in the universe - i still wouldn't use A*I. Not even as a ‘tool’.

If you've been around here for a while you know i have a love/hate relationship with my art. I write too, but writing doesnt make me so frustrated and angry that i want to throw my computer out a second story window. HOWEVER. There is a huge caveat to that anger.

It happens after.

You could look at it a little like hockey. Every game is fresh, right? I mean god knows the US made an entire movie about how every game is a new game and the odds could always fall in your favor no matter how stacked against you. So every drawing i go into it excited - like LOOK at that reference material, its gorgeous. The gesture is beautiful, the post is interesting, there is something about it that is just begging to be drawn. But then say you hit intermission in the hockey game and the opposing team scored a few points. And i step back and look at the drawing and realize i started to go wrong somewhere along the way. But its too late now, you gotta commit and keep going. And you do but somehow the final score is STILL 6 to 0 and thats when i want to flush all my art down the toilet and never look at it again. But its okay because the next drawing is going to start with a blank canvas and who cares what happened last time.

Ok maybe a bad example.

The product is never really what drives me to draw - i mean, sure i do like it a heck of a lot better when i have something /anything/ that i can post to show that im sticking with my everyday doodle. But its not a requirement to doodling. The process of drawing is always fun. Its when i come out of it and look at the stupid thing that im like ‘well fuck i fucked that one up again didnt i’, and THEN i get annoyed lol.

I dont sit there consumed with frustration over ‘gee i dont know what to draw’. This is never an issue. I HAVE TOO MUCH TO DRAW. Sometimes i avoid certain gifs/photos because in the back of my mind im like ‘yeah no, i havent leveled up that far yet, i cant do that justice’. But i dont want to admit the sheer number of images of geno alone i have saved. I think my biggest reference folder is still aoki and that has over two thousand screenshots - i dont think anyone will ever surpass that LOL. I have a never ending supply of practice art to be done.

The frustration comes when i have an image in my head and i want to get it down on paper so-to-speak (computer whatever). So - when im NOT using reference (or at least not an exact one) and am making an ‘illustration’ (ish). But again, the process isn't the issue. I like the act of drawing, i like the image in my head slowly taking shape, i like how vividly i can see it. Yall know how obsessed i am with personality - that's not just part of the drawing, that IS the drawing. And each deicision in the illustration is defined by the personality/character.

A computer can't fucking do this.

Could i maybe tell a computer ‘draw geno in the shower’. Sure. And it probably could. And if i didnt care about the process - if all i wanted was a very good drawing of geno in the shower....that probably would be fine. Maybe great even. Maybe it would be the best damn drawing of geno in the shower ever. And then i'd feel like shit because a machine is producing art that is more valuable to other people than mine ever will be. But holy fucking shit that ruins the entire POINT of drawing???? Why would you do that?

I mean, im sure yall can infer the entire point of the act of drawing geno in the shower. He's hot, he's wet. ANYWAY.

In my opinion, a person who wants the end product and doesn't care about the process of getting there....that person is not an artist. That person is someone who enjoys art, and probably thinks they have a lot of good ideas to make into art, but who doesn't feel that pull to make art themselves. They just want to buy art. And they want it cheap. And mindless computers being trained in seconds on the decades of creativity and hard work of art masters is a heck of a lot cheaper than a human.

And the hardest part of all this for me is how worthless this makes me feel - nobody wants you, they want that automatic button. Kinda like my dad that way (haha)

[soleminisanction]

Hi Solemini (sorry if i spelled that wrong)

You've really inspired how i write my Batfam fics (based like 99.99% on the New Earth/90s Era) especially how i look at the relationships and characters. I honestly felt pretty bad abt not liking Steph at all until i found your stuff and realized it truly wasnt internalized misogyny like i had been accused of by a couple of the more intense stans, it was the misogyny that went into creating her character out of universe and the actual reality of her character in universe and how she isn't a 'super awesome, perky bubbly bestie' like i found her to be in the fandom. I find her negative character traits to be more compelling but it also made me realize i still didnt have to like her and I didn't have to feel bad about it. I really like all of your material, your takes, and everything. Cheers! :D

Sorry to leave this one sitting for a few days, anon, I was just so flattered by your kind words that I got flustered and couldn't think of anything to say. ^_^;

But -- thank you, very much!!! I'm always glad to hear my ranting into the void helps people with stuff like this. And I know what you mean about feeling relieved and inspired by finding someone who shares your perspective, I've gotten a lot of that same relief from reading similar commentary from people like @mzminola and other fandom folks I mostly interact with on Discord.

That plus, once a month or so I'll get someone in my notes who's clearly going through my Steph-critical tag and enjoying all the posts, and that's always a good feeling even if they never say anything. It's just nice to know that people share your opinions, especially when it feels like they get drowned out or shouted down in more general discussion.

TL;DR -- Thank you very much. I'm glad you've enjoyted it all. :D

[lutawolf]

hi luta, i just want so slide by and say thank you

for bringing kind metas (posts) on lita/prapaisky , and mame's a bit too. i am forever grateful.

--

im a tumblr user for bl stuff in 2020, followed some huge blogs & learned a lot about bl cuz im fairly new. i had forgotten about it until i rejoined a couple months ago for prapaisky' lita -- expecting to share the same excitement / reading wonderful metas / learning things again

i ... im pretty perplexed to read the blogs i used to read for info / metas im looking forward to ... expressed mean, mean, things.

i felt nauseous. i didnt realize the people whose metas i used to love can be so. cruel. i had hoped i can find some articulation of what I felt, as a shared feelings, but not only i didnt find it, i, felt ashamed to even had my feelings from the first place. i had to dived in the tag rabbit hole and finally found blogs that expressed the opposites, and thank god i did. thank god i did.

(followed them right away, n unfollow thw prev blogs that i now, see, as ... no)

this tho, had me actually ignored the whole tag whlist it airs, and put notif on for the ones i now value, yours included. it got me thru the whole journey of ep11-13, especially, Especially, 12. the special ep tho, the special ep got me branched out again towards the tag and see people bashing it again undermining it as the sex ep. and kinkshaming rain. is it so bad to have a happy, mutual, consent sexual relationship? i thought we dont kinkshame now

i . i dont know what to think. i am sorry to barging in like this. i just. all these upsetting experience piled up and i just. had to. express my gratitude that u at least shown me the kind side of this perspective.

i apologize for the incoherency, english is not my first language, i wish this isnt too rude..

no need to answer this if u dont want to, i just, had to say it to you. all the love, anon.

Hey Hey lil 🐇,

First, let me say welcome back to Tumblr! I'm actually pretty new. I reached a year anniversary this month. Though I am not new to bl at all. I'm OG there.

Negative reviews are a part of life. However, there is a difference between being hateful and writing a neg review. There is a difference between cancel culture and I don't watch this or participate in this type of art. I think that people are failing to see the differences. Life is not white and black.

There will always be kink shaming. It's not from men though. It's from women. These same women that are talking shit, reading romance on their kindle when no one is looking and wouldn't think twice about their boyfriend asking them to wear a French maid costume. As an amazing friend once told me, this is your room and you cultivate it the way you need to. He blocks people left and right, creating the atmosphere that he wants on Tumblr. I've learned to do the same. I may end up in a bubble but it's a tiny community of people I truly enjoy and love.

Never apologize for English being your second language. Being bilingual is an accomplishment that should only get love not judgement. You guys will never and I mean NEVER see me criticize the way someone writes, from spelling to commas, to anything. I'll never do it. I might ask for clarification but there will never be criticism. We are all here to learn and better ourselves and that is not accomplished by sitting in judgement.

I really appreciate that you read my blog and enjoy it. It means the world to me that you guys reach out to me. All the love. Wishing you the best. Thank you, 💜💜💜

[dufrau]

💎why is writing important to you?

🧿what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn't do well, or if your writing/posting/sharing experience isn't going how you'd like it to?

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

💎why is writing important to you?

I mean it's a creative outlet, of course. And I am a person who needs one. I went to school for fine arts (painting and print making) and that was fun but I never had any real drive to do it specifically, i was just good (for a teenager) at it and I liked doing *something* creative. Its also sort of a focal point for my indecisive energy. I have not-very-good time management and executive function skills. Sometimes "Open up a word doc and write a fucking paragraph, jackass!" is enough to switch me into productivity.

Besides that, I just feel kind of good at it? and I find it satisfying to "succeed" at it. And it surprised me to be kind of good at it, and it still surprises me and excites me. Also it feels good to be on the creating side of a fandom after spending like two decades entirely on the consuming side. Like giving back to the ecosystem or something lol.

🧿what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn't do well, or if your writing/posting/sharing experience isn't going how you'd like it to?

Oh god this is such a hard question!

Im gonna be completely honest there is like a 24-48 hour period after I post something new where I am only functioning as like half a human being because my mind is on How Is This Fic Doing. Usually when I post something I convince myself it is Bad Actually and people will hate it, and I'm just refreshing and refreshing waiting for somebody to tell me they didn't hate it.

Im lucky because i generally get a good amount of engagement on the things I write, so Ive never had anything flop and like destroy my morale. But some things do better than others, and the thing I usually tell myself if something doesnt hit the way I maybe hoped it would is, like, hey, the people who liked it liked it! And probably some other people liked it too and just didnt have the energy to comment. (i personally find commenting on fics really stressful and hard, i try to do it often because i know how good it feels to get a comment but i totally understand that sometimes it feels hard to do!) And also, like, nobody owes me anything! I volunteered for this, any feedback I get is a bonus!

But like, sometimes something that I wrote quickly, or didn't put too much thought into or whatever will do dramatically better than something that was like Very Important To Me in whatever way, and that drives me a little crazy, even when I can see why that's probably the case and even though I'm not upset that the lesser thing is being enjoyed, im just like... i wish you liked the other thing better 😂

I dont know if this actually answered the question! Basically I am as insecure about this stuff as anybody else on here, probably more than many.

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

Giving myself two compliments in one day is a lot. Um. Okay. I think something I'm good at is establishing the more complicated feelings underneath the "we're in love and haven't realized it yet" part. The different amounts and ways they know each other in each story, the ways they like each other and the ways they frustrate each other. I think I give a good foundation for the inevitable romance.

Thank youuuu!!! ❤️️❤️️❤️️

(asks from this post)

[hangezoeenthusiast]

well hello anyone who is actually on tumblr and hasnt forgotten about me. ive been offline for a year or so, had personal issues in my life, and also started high school so i wanted to focus on that. life update:

- im in 10th grade now :)) high school isnt that bad and there actually isnt as much fights as there was in past years. also im in a lot of advanced classes now

- i got new friends, and dumped my old ones(they were toxic)

- got into some new fandoms(call of duty, genshin[sorta i barely tolerate some people, I just try to play the game without interacting with the fandom], tmnt[i’ve always loved it], and others that I can't rlly think about rn

- got my working permit today :D after new years I'm gonna look for a job

- well I figured out I'm trans now (f-t-m), after years of question my gender and making excuses, I'm also pansexual :)

- the name I want my legal name to be is kaisen(kai is just a nickname and I dont use j anymore)

- body image stuff, sucks to suck but I'm trying everyday, slowly

- i actually have a girlfriend, we have been together for 3 months, and known each other for around 1 or 2 years. We are long distance(she lives in another country), time zones suck, but we make it work. We also met on genshin, so i guess i owe the game for that.

- im teaching myself how to draw, and also have been reading a lot of books lately

- family life isnt the best, im not gonna elaborate, but i just try to ignore it

it seems like a dream with how i acted a year ago. i seemed way more immature than what i do act now. i was so innocent i guess you could say, and i guess you could also say that i was just figuring myself out. and as im sitting in my bed, listening to The Neighborhood, im reminiscing. i do miss the friends that i had before i dropped them, and i really wish that i didnt push everyone away whenever i was in a depressive episode, but its the past. if i cant get over the past i’ll never be able to move on into the future. im just so glad that past me could get that experience of exploring themselves and meeting new people. also i was very very cringey i realize now, i feel like i was acting a sort of way to get recognition from people.

well anyways i dont think i’ll be writing anything anytime soon, i dont feel the passion i used to back then. maybe someday, but not today, and not the next. also thank you for 300 followers, that might not seem alot compared to other people, but it is for me. also thank you for all the support with the dsmp stuff even tho i stopped writing about them. i rlly didnt expect my stuff to blow up like that :))

well signing off:

kaisen(kai), have a fantastic day/night 😊

(ps: ive never deleted tumblr, and i was reading fanfics on here, i just was being lazy and didnt feel like responding to messages and updating my profile 😉 so to all the people who commented on my posts, i wasnt ignoring u, im too tired and my brain cells are the equivalent of 1 at the moment, but i’ll try to respond)

[pwblogarchive]

February 2008

February 3, 2008

“Try lying for a change, it's the currency of the world.”

its oddly haunting the way that sometimes entries from a year ago can reflect perfectly how i feel today.

its like an echo sent out over the weeks and months and pages of the calendar.

not always but sometimes.

a few weeks ago i considered mentioning the fact that while i once wrote "every new years is worse than the last" i didnt feel that way anymore

oh eight had broken the january curse

now im glad i didnt

cuz i realized it might not have

it may have just pushed it back a month

or extended it, depending on how this all looks on play-back

i find it a bit odd to be waiting for retrospect

Posted by xoat 10:41 PM

February 12, 2008

“honestly, afraid. i cant ever sleep either.”

Put the the planets in swing

Make jupiter sing

The afternoon light

Ignites

The back of my head

Spend years trying to cloud our head and not feel a thing

Just to turn around and erase the clouds so we can remember everything

Throw handcuffs on that boy

When the check comes he never pays

His cheekbones carve my moods

He shakes like a leaf

He's clicking like an old answering machine

He howls at the moon

He's breathes wet thru insect eyes

Canyon lights at night chase away the boring days

And I don't worry about death because I've seen the date I'm gonna die and its so far away.

Posted by xoat 1:55 AM

February 16, 2008

“part two (i forget so much of what i write its beginning to scare me).”

hes a lonely planet

dont stir and wake

everythings ok

give or take

the cats got the canary spinning in its ribcage

did i mention i came dressed for the intervention

(and if you were dying soon would you try to find snow in the deep summer

the june bugs dancing in wonder

and i still wonder now

if my words will stil turn you inside out)

hes a honeyjar

with that pretty face, lets never lose the lid

and keep those rosey lips in

(he breathes wet through insect eyes)

in multiples of four, no less than sixteen

sandmans been showing his beam

when he walks into a room the walls lean in to listen

keep a calendar this way youll know the last time you came through

oh.

"i know what youre going through"

well i dont- its more of a "paper or plastic" grocery store choice to me

but ill sympathize with anything to get through to you

do you know what its like to watch reruns of yourself night after night

to offer nothing and expect everything in return

to cock your head just right to appear arrogantly humble

if we hurry well make the morning edition

cos everybody likes to read the bad news

theyve tapped the phone be very careful what you say

speak in code about singing birds and sleepy eyed women

his heads a junkyard for rusted midnight thoughts

hes criminally carefree

when the pills swallow the worry

hes digging like forty nine

hes making you press rewind

hes a thunderstorm so bright you shut your eyes

he is a hurricane

Posted by xoat 3:15 AM

February 18, 2008

“mc hammer and miss piggy bank”

i get bright ideas in dark rooms

red rooster combs on our head

we are galaxies

a catipillar that got stuck

mr moth come quick with any luck

long walk in a dark house

a roman candle heart

keep us far apart

tour is just thinking you have been in every hotel, club or truck stop before.

it is deja vu personified.

all full of love so much that my teeth are floating.

February 19, 2008

“the oxidation of Joan of Arc.”

the mind drinks less and less.

impatience.

highways full of crowds going somewhere, somewhere, somewhere, nowhere.

The gasoline refugee.

Towns turn into motels,

people in nomadic surges from place to place,

following the moon tides,

living tonight in the room where you slept this noon and I the night before.

Posted by xoat 12:31 AM

[beaniepanini]

040124 00:34

hi. i havent written in a while. im sorry. to be honest, i dont know how to start. i've been all over the place since the last time i wrote. i dont really understand much anymore, and im kind of having a crisis? kinda. last i wrote was september, so i didnt get to write about what i'd like to call "The October Fiasco" because yeah, it's the type of thing that happens that require me to give it a title.

The October Fiasco happened on October 26, 2023. A month and a half since the break-up. At that point, the last time I talked to my ex was on my birthday, cuz theyre an asshole like that. i had a seminar five cities over the next day and had to leave at 3am. that day was already off to a bad start which involved an argument with my dad, and me having a breakdown at the GSO. 7pm i had dinner with my adviser at orgmates and decided to check my life360 cuz i was still hung up on my ex. they were at the hospital. why were they at the hospital? are they okay?

My adviser told me it wasnt my problem anymore, I said yeah, its not. But i still cared about them. Fate was being a bitch and i ended up at the hospital anyways. Long story short, they didnt say anything about the fact that i was there. i dont fucking know. i may never find out what the fuck was in their mind that night, but whatever. its over. there's no point in me being mad anymore. i feel like im about to have a breakdown right now. i said what i said when they reached out in february. i dont want to talk to them anymore.

thats a lie. i feel like those 2 years were nothing to them and i was just never ever worth the effort. i feel horrible. right before i blocked them on facebook, their last post hinted that they liked someone new. would they treat that person the same? would they treat that person better? would they put in more effort? why couldn't they do that for me? was i just not worth it? i hate them. i fucking hate them for making me feel like this. no matter how much i give my heart out to them when we were together, it was nothing to them. they tried. i know that they fucking tried, pero putangina. when they reached out, they were cutting me off, what makes them think they have that kind of power over the situation? no. FUCK YOU. i'm not letting you get out of this unscathed. i want you to feel how much hurt you made me feel. i hope you fucking live with this guilt. i dont want you to find love, i want you to have nightmares about me.

im angry now. for fucks sake. anyways. i've moved on. i still have anger in my heart, but im sure i dont love them anymore. i cant fucking look back and think of happiness, im so angry that i wasted 2 years of my life with them. but we keep moving forward, i met someone. i've been having a hard time feeling that they genuinely do like me back because theyre a hypersexual person, but i know that this is also cuz i keep comparing them to my ex.

also, i should stop hiding their identity. hes a guy. ig that contributes as to why the whole hypersexual thing throws me off, considering i was assaulted. but he reassured me once, i said i know. im not used to the love and attention, so i know is not a him problem. its a me problem. he's been,, amazing. hes blown all my expectations out of the water. all the shit i had to beg for, he did it all naturally. he matches my energy. we're both weirdos. he makes me feel safe and cared for. i admit that im also hypersexual, but i never really talked about it. so with him, i feel comfortable. i opened up about it. we're doing okay. im not used to someone wanting me this much. im trying not to self-sabotage so i've been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately.

i still get emotional flashbacks to when i was with my ex. that if he's offline i assume the worst, because thats what happened with my ex. or just a few hours with not talking to him i go crazy and assume he wants nothing to do with me anymore. im working on it, but for fucks sake i didnt realize how deep the damage was until i met a guy willing to talk about it with me. my friend was really angry about this too when i opened up about it. it was an odd morning and he said he doesnt feel okay so he'll be offline for a bit. he said it was something personal, but i shut down. i assumed it was bcuz he was tired of me. i assumed he realized i was too much. that wasn't the case obviously, but i felt it. i have to keep reminding myself that he's not my ex.

i rambled. sorry. but yeah. im doing okay. kinda. we have a new puppy, her name is Taki.

[racetobachelorisland]

2024 maxchael van horsey yapping

the ENTIRE Plot out of the way, there’s something so AGHFHAHGSJWHDJWJJ🔥🔥🔥🔥‼️‼️❤️❤️ about an intelligent arrogant actor who’s a perfectionist with very high morals about acting, and a nice dumb superficial reality tv star who was stunt cast as a lead having any sort of positive relationship through the dorothy filter

but it makes sense for michael’s character, not just because he’s a hypocrite, he values the person’s commitment and risk taking and focus !!! that’s what sandy had, that’s what max had!!!! even if the two aren’t necessarily good actors or anything like michael, sandy is literally one of Michael’s closest friends and michael (as dorothy) was able to form a friendship with someone you’d assume would be his biggest enemy I MEAN. evil man director, freeloader famous man RON CARLISLE AND MAX FALL UNDER THE SAME CATEGORY!! also on tour dorothy brushed off her annoyance towards max the second he mentioned reading shakespeare and got so excited so I think she’s just autism with it

( michaels a dick sure but people mischaracterize him so bad as this evil monster who spends the entire show treating his friends horribly 😢 )

but anyways john ((shout out to him for being the cast member who talked the most about his character, it saved 2019 and 2020 and 2022 and 2023 and um 2024 me cuz I just re listened to the laura heywood podcast I cant believe bi max has been canon for 5 years this year.)) BUT ANYWAYS BASED ON WHAT JOHN HAS SHARED ABOUT MAX he is presumably the only character that actually ends up forgiving michael ((chz julie is kinda up to interpretation)) which makes sense and NOT BECAUSE HES AN IDIOT but because

max didnt have to deal with as much burdens and lies michael left as julie and rita, whos relationships with dorothy were founded on womanhood. I mean after getting heartbroken and finding out the woman he was in love with and also had an infected tattoo of her face on his chest didn’t exist, Max continues Juliets Nurse with the new actress and then tries to do more acting with his newfound confidence that he gained FROM dorothy, AND realizes he still loves dorothy as michael :( the whole thing is awesome because hooray no longer dependent on your looks and body being the only worthy part of yourself ! hooray self esteem boosted ! hooray self discovery ! oh did I mention he hosts tv show after tootsie as well :D I wanna be a tv show host on day BUT as for his feelings for michael…..Painfully One Sided💔💔💔RIPMAX VAN HORN🙏

It’s hard to imagine they could maintain a friendship after tootsie in the sense that its kinda hard for me to figure out that the various scenarios I’ve thought of over the years would even be accurate considering how loud and delusional max is about his feelings, and if michael would even feel the same and how would that affect their chances at a friendship and AND. if Julie and Michael were to end up together that’d be the end of it 😭 Max seems to end up fine anyway so even if it’s a bittersweet ending, like sandys arc, michaelmaxxing ended, self respectmaxxing was achieved🙏 I need to make a separate post for the sandy/max parallels and their relationships with michael/dorothy BECAUSE THEYRE SO!!!! GOOD!!! I COULD WRITE ESSAYS

John mentioned that he tried to push for a line that would wrap up Maxs story in the end but it never found its way in and I feel like that would’ve changed the game…..Johnny Boy..Ty for ur service :3

but WUTEVER in my head dorothy and max shakespeare infodump and make out wrapped the ninja turtles blanket and my name is max and im wrapped in the same ninja turtles blanket and my dorothy isnt infodumpimg tootsie and making out w me so ima file a complaint real quick not cool bro. here is my favorite max and dorothy interaction frm the newer/and now unfortunately cut forever lines

max: you know, we should rehearse together sometime!

dorothy: sure! lets exchange numbers.

max: ….wont that confuse people trying to call us?

hi

Edit: Ok technically he does spend the entire show treating his friends horribly

[0thsense]

20 12 2022

wow it has been a while since I last posted. i dont remember the pet names i gave people anymore, so ill just have to use new ones. so yea things havent been going very well. after all these years im still unable to do work, so i cant really hope for anything in life. id like to say im seriously considering an heroing but im probably objectively still far from that point. its almost like i wish i was actually considering an heroing because that means ive already hit the bottom and dont need to worry about feeling even worse than i do now. looking back, its hard to see all the factors that led me here, but i guess i can share a couple things i experienced recently. im still not sure whether to write this as if anyone except myself will ever read it, so idk if "sharing" makes sense. anyways, benny visited recently, and shared how after breaking up with his long-term girlfriend of 3 years, he had a "wayward" phase where he just fucked hella girls basically. and he felt super bad about it because hes a pretty devout christian. i understand why he shared it to me because im in a unique position of understanding christianity with my christian background but not actually christian so he wont just get judged extremely hard by the church. despite that, it still kind of felt like a brag to me, and a little insensitive since im a fucking virgin, which idk if ive told him explicitly but he surely must have considered the possibility. its unfortunate because i consider benny to overall be a really good and understanding person. of course i didnt tell him any of this and just took it as he shared for hours about his conquests and his inner conflicts from just having easy access to sex, oh woe is him right. i told him to just never meet girls like me, maybe he got the message after that. more importantly i had a dream, let me try to remember the details precisely. i was in a clubhouse of some sorts (maybe for pingpong?) that was pretty packed with people, it started small but slowly grew since i guess i love fantasizing in my dreams that my presence helps communities grow. one day we were celebrating something, maybe a member's birthday or something, and i was hanging out with one of the newer members jessica towards the back. I forget what we were talking about but it segued into her starting to whisper to me something like, "you know, I might not have made it to this clubhouse ... I was very close to killing myself the week I first came here". by the tone of her voice and her expression, she was clearly being extremely vulnerable and entrusting to me. my first instinct was to say meekly (in my usual style), "well im glad you're here now" or something like that, and then the dream abruptly ended. I realized after I woke up how utterly pathetic that was. I was so concerned with how my response would appear to her, I was only concerned with staying in her good graces. In the past I was not so concerned over my appearances to this pathetic of a level. If I was thinking about her instead, I would have let her know that she did not have to worry anymore, that she should never have to experience that misery again, and I would make sure of it. I really wish I can say that and mean it one day. I'm of the opinion that the most useful individual definition of reality is simply one's experiences. In that sense dreams are real until you wake up and realize you've been dreaming. That's why I never want to lucid dream again, at that point it's as real as simply fantasizing during the day when you know you are fantasizing. Dreams are precious because they are the only way you really experience dreamlike scenarios, and in today's one I fell gravely short. I'm sorry jessica. I have some other things I want to write but I think I will save those for another day, with the usual disclaimer theres a 50% chance this is my last post ever.

[hoonhrt]

ENHYPEN AS YOUR BEST FRIEND

: pairing — best friend enhypen! x reader 

: genre — fluff 

: a/n — i’m posting in this in the meantime as i am still writing a jake au rn so sorryyy if this is trash im writing this at 1 am LOL 

･:*:･ﾟ☆ lee heeseung 

cares for you sm 

lends you his notes when you need 

lets you lay your head on his shoulder on the bus 

youre the only person allowed to watch him preform 

shoves you alot??? 

forces you to play games with him which makes your head hurt cause he is so loud 

asks you to buy him snacks, says he will pay back but never does 

wants you to confide in him for all of your problems 

always texts you to make sure youre taking care of yourself but in a teasing you 

“go drink a glass of water rn or else youre going to d word of dehydration and you havent seen me become an idol yet :( so pls go drink some water.” 

･:*:･ﾟ☆ jay park

bully #1 

ALWAYS begs for your notes after classes cause this mf is always sleeping in class 

seems a little cold at first but is actually so caring 

comes over whenever you dont show up to school 

buys you food, literally never lets you pay for anything 

criticize your fashion but thats cause he doesnt want you looking like a fool especially since youre his best friend ;/

keeps your best interest at heart for almost all the decisions he makes as you play such a big role in life 

you guys go on late night drives and roam around the city with a playlist he made just for nights like these for the both of you 

lets you borrow his accessories 

“jay why is your hair like that” “shut up your eyebrows are uneven”

･:*:･ﾟ☆ jake sim 

THE MOST CARING PERSON EVER 

people thought he liked you because of how much he cares for you but nope 

tells you pick up lines and you shut them down real quick 

pretends that didnt hurt 

gives the best hugs ever 

your parents love him more than you 

helps you with all of your homework, basically tutors you for free 

expects you to show up to every single one of his soccer games (which you do) 

always packs extra food for you just incase 

“if you were a transformer... you’d be optimus fine” “jake i dont even like transformers”

･:*:･ﾟ☆ park sunghoon 

bully #2

literally makes fun of you so much, your friendship seems questionable to others 

enjoys seeing you struggle 

lets you wear his jackets during his practices 

also expect you to show up to every single one of his comps, youre his good luck charm but he will never tell you that 

loves when you show up with big signs that say “PARK SUNGHOON BEST SKATER” 

very protective over you, doesnt like seeing you hurt 

shoves you alot pt 2 

likes playing with your hands 

“did you even try to use the 3 brain cells in your head for this?” “i literally hope you fall in your face during one of your performances “HEY”

･:*:･ﾟ☆ kim sunoo 

you guys are inseparable

talk the most shit about the people at your school LOL 

always encourages you to break out of your shell and be more outgoing, always reminding you that he right behind your supporting you 

you guys share everything, clothes, make up, accessories, lockers 

you made him a friendship bracelet and this mf almost cried 

gets into heated arguments with you and than feels bad 

hugs hugs so many hugs 

your source of happiness 

BEGS to do your makeup and hair 

“you know the new girl is already dating someone from class b?” “no way youre lying!!” “nope, i found out today in history, she hasnt even been her a week and she already has a man??” 

･:*:･ﾟ☆ yang jungwon 

the most responsible yet irresponsible person youve ever met 

acts like your mom sometimes 

loves taking care of you 

will scold you about not doing your school work but realizes he forgot his own 

makes weird faces at you like wtf jungwon you good 

your parents want him as their actual son 

carries around a first aid kit for you 

lets you wear his gloves in the winter 

just loves being around you all the time 

“did you eat today??? go eat. do you want me to come over and make you food???”

･:*:･ﾟ☆ nishimura ni-ki 

bully #3 

teases you about EVERYTHING 

never answers his phone so you guys cant have nice cute little planned hangouts 

you two sneak out of your houses and go to the playground to swing on the swings 

holds your hand when youre nervous 

loves teaching you dances even if you arent that good 

steals food from your fridge 

you guys make up secret handshakes 

ni-ki loves giving you hugs 

“you cant even reach this im not even holding it up that high this is so embrassing for you” “CAN YOU JUST GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK”

[urcuteharrington]

hi, I just saw your post asking for some requests. Maybe if you can do a Steve angst but with a little bit of fluff? 💛💛

forgotten?☁️🕊

summary-steve seemed to have forgotten you when nancy came into the picture

word count-1.8k

warnings-fighting and cursing

a/n-i really hope you guys enjoyed this because it took me so long to write but i appreciate you all and i’m so glad to be back 🤍

masterlist

huge thanks to @angsty-plots for giving me ideas for new angst plots<3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

steve and i were good friends that was until he started dating nancy wheeler. it use to be steve and i doing everything together hanging out at each others houses, long car rides , going to tommy’s parties , and now he forgot all about me. i knew steve had a crush on ever since the beginning... i saw the way he looked at her when she would walk past him , i saw the sparkle in his eyes when he talked about her or whenever she was around. it use to be steve, tommy, carol, and i hanging out at lunch everyday but i was soon replaced when steve asked nancy to go to his house for a hangout with carol and tommy since his parents were out of town. that night he only invited me out of pity and i saw the subtitle flirting between the two and it made me sick. i walked barb that night to the bathroom after she sliced her thumb trying to open a beer can.” i know steve has gauze and bandages somewhere here ill look just keep your hand under the water” i tell her. that night i saw nancy and steve go into his room and i knew what was going to happen and i couldn’t bare being their for it. I said my goodbye to barb wishing her a safe ride home and went on my way. remembering that night i cried my heart out wondering why steve never expressed interest in me.

That was months ago now it’s around october and it was tommy’s halloween bash. i wasn’t going to go but i decided that it was better than sitting at home doing nothing. i knew i was going to see steve their with nancy but i still went even if it was going to hurt seeing my best friend who forgot i even existed. I go dressed up as (whatever you want) and grab my keys getting ready to head off to the party. pulling up to the house i already see drunk teens walking around with their heels in hand or wobbling around. i walk in and head over to the kitchen and try to grab a drink of spiked punch. while pouring i look over and see them... steve and nancy dancing to the beat of the music. a sudden wave of sadness hit and i decided to take a sip of the punch feeling the alcohol run down my throat.

minutes pass and i decided to stay in the kitchen since i felt like it was my best bet to not run into them while on the dance floor. watching the drunken teens flirting and stumbling their words amused on how quickly the punch could get someone drunk.then i saw her , the girl who stole my best friend from me and the boy i loved. nancy walked into the kitchen and grabbed more cups of the spiked punch , one after another i was able to see her get completely shitfaced in the ,mater of only a few minutes. steve came looking for nancy and they got into a fight and i watched intensely. watching as the punch spilled all over her while sweater my mouth opened a jar shocked at how messy everything was getting. watching her and steve storm over to the bathroom. moments later i move to the living room near the front door and suddenly get shouldered by steve who seemed furious and watching jonathan rush to the bathroom. i decided to stay a little longer since the party was still going strong.

a few days later i noticed that steve and nancy were slowly falling out since he wasn’t visiting her at school anymore and her and jonathan seemed to have gotten closer. they seemed to be done and whatever was said in that bathroom must have been bad. i decided to go to steve’s house and check up on him, even if we weren’t friends anymore i didnt want to see him go through something like a breakup alone. knocking on his front door i waited anxiously wondering if i was making the wrong choice. “ hey how can i- oh hi y/n. i didnt uh expect you to be here?” steve says opening the door confused. “ i know steve but i wanted to talk to you” i say as he walks me to his room to talk.” hey i was actually gonna go out and apologize to nancy so if you can come and help me pick something out for her” my heart sank i haven’t talked to him in months and he already brought her up. not a hey how are you or a i miss you nothing its always about her i think to myself. “ oh i actually came to talk to you about something “ “ shoot” he says.” why did you stop talking to me” silence filled the room 1...2...3 minutes passed waiting for him to say something anything” steve you left me for nancy and i dont get what i did for you to sto talking to me. i understand shes your girlfriend but shit i didnt think you’d completely forget about me” i say standing up from his bed looking at him with sadness in my eyes.” i-i thought you didn’t want to hang out with us anymore y/n i didnt notice at first i i’m so sorry” he says guilt in his voice.” i feel like i lost the only person i truly cared about and and you were my friend and now you don’t even look my way steve how could you not notice me not being their... how did you not notice me not their at your basketball games cheering you on or the long car rides we would have just blasting music or going to tommy’s parties and taking turns getting shit faced. tell me steve is it me was i just not who you wanted to be around anymore was she my replacement because i saw it since the beginning” chocking on my words i hold back my tears. i didnt want to cry but eventually it fell and my vision blurred with tears.” y/n i never ment to make you feel that way and i am so sorry i guess i just got so caught up in nancy and i didnt notice you slowly leave and i i just feel terrible “ steve looked at me finally realizing how much he affected me and how much pain he caused me. “steve if you didnt want to be friends anymore you could have just told me you really hurt me” i say to him not daring to look him in the eyes.”i-i” is all he could say” you know what steve a simple hey i dont think we should be friends anymore its not your fault i just think we should go our own ways would have been nice” i say to him walking past him” you know thanks for being my friend for so many years but i cant be friends with someone who doesn’t give two shits about me anymore” i say as i walk out the door and walk back home since it was only a few houses down.steve not moving just in shock realizing that he was the reason why he lost his best friend.

days past and steve found out that nancy liked jonathan and accepted it telling her its okay and like that they broke up. driving around i felt a wave of sadness hit when the song steve and i would listen to while blasting music. tears spill down my face as i drive home. once i make it home i calm myself down and wash up when i suddenly hear the doorbell go off. walking over i open the door seeing the infamous billy hargrove “ hey their doll face i was wondering if you’ve seen my little sister max i know that you tutor some of her friends so i was wondering if you could help me figure out where the byers house is” he says licking his lips seductively “ yeah i could take you their and help you look for your little sister just let me grab my stuff “ i say looking at him.” after getting to the byers house i stay in the car until i see steve walk out confused at why he is their. everything happened so fast punches were thrown and now i’m driving the kids to this random area in hawkins. steve wakes up and sees me driving confused at how he ended up in this situation. getting to the destination steve and i talk while the kids grab everything. in the car they explained everything that happened in thus far with el , will, the upsidown , and etc. “ we broke up” steve says looking at me “ what why are you okay” even if we weren’t close anymore i didnt want him to feel like he had no one. “ she likes jonathan and the night of the party she called our relationship bullshit and i accepted it since i-“ dustin cuts him off by yelling at him how we didnt have enough time.

getting the kids out of the tunnels one by one steve was just about to help me up when he grabbed onto me tightly in a protective matter when the demo dogs ran toward us. watching as they ran past us he told me” i lost you once and i’m not gonna lose you again”getting out of the tunnels i was able to fully process everything that happened and once el closed the gate and steve and i were finally alone he broke the silence “ i love you y/n i never ment to hurt you and i’m sorry.” speechless i sit their “ steve i know you loved nan-“ he cuts me off “ after our first fight i knew she loved jonathan and i guess i couldn’t believe it till she called our relationship bullshit and i love you so much y/n and it was stupid of me to not tell you earlier” “ i love you too steve but what you did hurt me i mean you completely forgot about me” “ i know y/n but could you give me a second chance i’ll make it up to you... could i take you on a date and patch everything up” i really didn’t want to forgive him but i couldn’t just abandon him because i needed him i loved him and he loved me “ i would love that steve “ i say looking at him with love in my eyes and a smile plastered on my face.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Hey, how is your day going so far? I hope it's splendid! Can I request an Arthur x reader where the reader is recovering from self harm and he is proud of them? You can choose it to be sfw or nsfw. Thanks in advance! :)

Hey Anon, Thank you for your ask. I 'm okay and I hope you are doing well,too?! I am soooo sorry this took me so long but I finally sat down today and wrote your request. I was thinking about that request since you first send it to me. It was a beautiful one but also a tough one. Itˋs a sensitive subject and I was struggeling with how I wanted to write it. I was afraid to write it in a way you wouldnt approve so I am a bit nervous posting this and I hope with all my heart that you will like the result. This request was close to my heart but a bit of a struggle until I finally sat down. I am sending love to anyone. Especially everyone who had to go through this or still does go through it.

Words: 1900

Trigger warning: Mentions of self harm

Arthur nervously chewed on his pencil ,while the blank page of his journal was staring at him like it expected something good to happen. More than one good thing happened in his life recently and he absolutely hated how difficult it was for him to put his emotions into words. Words worthy of how he truly felt about not being alone anymore. He felt like the emotion of it was a seed he didnt knew how to water properly ,to make it the flower that was a written page in his diary. One he would like to show to you , randomly in the middle of the night. To proof how he felt inside. Blooming.

He always felt like he wasnˋt good with words but so much better with showing his feelings off in a different way. A movement of his body when you were slow dancing across the bedroom, a piece of music hummed into your ear while he was pulling you closer, the touch of his thumb brushing your cheek before he leaned in to kiss you. Body language was his way to express what was growing deep inside of him. A love so immessurable, he was becoming a new man. And you were his garden he wanted to spent the rest of his life in. He wanted to build a cabin right in the middle of the gardens heart and plant roses and violets. Once he figured out how to water them and which flowers demend more sunlight or which ones prefered the shadows. He wanted to learn every aspect of your soul. Flower by flower. Petal by petal. To let his roots grow towards yours. Arthur touched the artificial flowers on his desk. They reminded him of who he used to be. Unreal and far from what he desired to be. No sunlight could have touched him  enough to let him grow.

Until there was you. His garden. He finally became what he was supposed to be. A sunflower. The flower of joy and happiness. But also the flower of the man who once drank yellow painting to commit suicide by putting happiness inside himself. At least that was the rumor Arthur heard on tv when he watched a documentary about Vincent Van Gogh. And he was quiet fascinated by it. Somehow the though was relateable to him. In a very abstact, sad, beautiful way.

„Last week“ he wrote , trying to draw a sunflower but it just didnt turned out the way he intented to. „She  finally felt comfortable enough to wear a short sleeve in front of me. I guess that means she really does feel save around me. Ah, it means the world!“  Arthur smiled to himself when he drew a tiney heart and filled it in. His heart was so full of you. Just thinking about the way you took off your comfort sweater for the first time to show him the scars of the past ,created a feeling in his heart he couldnˋt name. 

It has been a while since you let him know about your struggles with self harm. And Arthur could tell that it wasnˋt an easy thing to do. He would always remember the moment he first saw your naked arms. The pattern of hurt on your fragile skin. This moment of vulnerability and strengh. He wanted to kiss it. Arthur wanted to kiss along every single scar to show you how beautiful you were to him and how much he belived in the power of a gentle lip kissing where it hurts the most. But he didnˋt. Arthur wasnˋt sure if it was the right moment yet. He didnt wanted to do anything wrong. So he just sat there, thinking about placing kisses all over, while he picked his own eyebrow with his fingers.

„One day“ he wrote underneath the heart „I will kiss  her scars and she will feel what I felt when she was taking care of me“. Arthur put the pencil down and took a deep drag of his cigarette. Smoke filled his lungs but he wished it was your breath instead.

A familiar noise interrupted his daydream as he put the remains of the cig in his pink ashtray. „Hey darling, Iˋm home“. Your voice made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. The way you called him darling was music in his ears. His favourite song he repeated in his head when he was at work or taking the bus. He sometimes hummed the words „Hey darling“ , as if it was a prayer. „Hey darling Iˋm home“. Home. That was never the word he would have used to  discribe the place he was living in. Never what he thought of when he felt the worn fabric of his couch underneath his naked skin or was lying in the bathtube, checking for how long he could handle to keep his head under water. This place with all itˋs heavyness wasnˋt home. But it transformed into a home eveytime you opened the door to wrap your arms around him. A genlte kiss upon his forehead. His noticlable frown  underneath your lips. Hey darling, Iˋm home. You are home, finally. We are. A home.

Arthur shifted his position ,so your lips immediately found their way to his forehead. „Forehead kisses“ he thought „Are her way to tell me how much she cares“. He closed his eyes for a moment. His dark lashes covering his piercing eyes like a curtain, to feel the moment with all itˋs gentleness. When Arthur opened his eyelids again he noticed something wrapped around your wrist. His heart stopped for a moment. The thought of you harming yorself again hit him so hard he forgot how to breathe. „Y/N…are you….okay? Oh my god…“ Arthurs index finger reached out for your wrist. He barely dared touching it. His tear filled eyes blurring his sight.

„Yeah, I am. How was your day, Arthur?“ you replied as you sat down on his lap to kiss the corner of his mouth. You noticed his lips trembling underneath your own. A tiney earthquake emerging from within. His day was okay while he was sittin on his desk thinking of all the beautiful things he could write to you. Until you came home with a hurt wrist. Now nothing remained okay. Seeing you hurt was worse than his own pain. Your wound was his wound. Arthur held your face between his hands, unable to responde with a kiss.

„Are you…. Are you hurt?“ he whispered, pointing at your bandage. He wanted to be here for you. Now more than ever. His mind was travelling back to the day you found him with a bleeding forehead after he hit his head against the wall. He recalled your hand resting on the spot that hurt so much and how it lead to the first forehead kiss he received in his life. Thatsˋs when he knew he wasnˋt all alone in this anymore. Thats when he knew that, yes there will be bad days , even together but he didnt had to face them on his own anymore. There was someone looking after him. Someone willing to ease the pain. To heal his wounds. Old or recent. He remembered how gently you held his hurting head, fingers brushing  back his hair to clean the wound. Heˋll never forget the first act of kindness and love from a loved one.

And now it was his turn to tell you itˋs going to be okay. His turn to take care of your wounds.

„No baby, Iˋm not hurt. Iˋve got a little suprise for you…“ Arthurˋs eyes glanced deeply into yours „A…. surprise? What do you mean?“

You lifted your arm smiling at him. Thats when he noticed your wrist wasnˋt bandaged but wrapped in some kinda foil. You slowly started to unwrap it, a big smile lingering on your face. „Darling, I hope you like it“.

Arthur couldnt belive his eyes. Were once was a scar six letters showed. Written on your wrist. Six letters so familar, he started sobbing.

„Oh Arthur….“ You touched his cheek „You like it?“

He covered his mouth with his right hand, mumbling.

„I thought about this  for a while now. Getting your name tattooed to cover my oldest scar“.

A single tear ran down his happy face „Thats…. Just…. Wow. I…. donˋt know what to say. Thatˋs my name. You got a tattoo of my name. „ Arthur couldnt stop staring at the letters. „Can I….touch it?“.

 You smiled „Not yet, itˋs still fresh and I need to put some cream on it.“

„Oh! Yeah…. Of course.“

Arthur tried to understand what was happpening right now. A minute ago he was afraid you hurt yourself again and now  he found himself looking at a tattoo that was his very own name. Part of you.

He felt your other hand touching his blushing cheek „I really wanted this to remind me of how beautiful things can happen after experiencing so much pain. There is this scar and itˋs still there but somehow it belongs to my past and it doesn´t define me. It never did. And now there is you. The light that came after the dark. The one who understands my scars and eases the pain by loving me for who I am. I love you, Arthur, I love you so much itˋs so demanding and beautiful and …..now youˋre always on my mind, in my heart and under my skin.“

Arthur gently lifted your hand, careful enough to not touch the tattoo. „I love you“ he whispered „Can I…. can I kiss your…“ goosebumps covered your skin as his upper lip found itˋs way to travel across your arm. Soft kisses, thoughtful and warm, scar after scar. You couldnt help but cry a little. Arthur froze „My god, Iˋm sorry I only wanted to…“

„Donˋt stop“ you whispered through the tears „Please….“

The light in Arthurs eyes came back when he realized it was happy tears running down your cheeks. Tears of relief and inner peace.

„Remember when you found me after….“

„I do, Arthur.“

„That was the first time I felt truly loved“ he breathed, while he continued kissing your skin.

„You found me at my worst. And loved me. Especially where it hurt the most“

You closed your eyes, concentrating on the softness of his lips. His presence was medicine. Calming and warm like a favourite sweater.

You remembered  very well. It was the day you knew that you would give the world to protect this man. The beautiful soul that Arthur was. You couldnt change his past but write his future. You and him together. Sitting in front of a blank page, where anything was possible.  Every yet unborn poem was demanding to be written. Every small moement of happiness. And when the pages get torn and some parts get blacked out, you would be here to put a sticker on it. Heart shaped. One thatˋs glowing in the dark. So when he openes his journal at night he couldnt see the scribbles and blacked out parts. Only the bandage that was love.

Just like the words written on your wrist.

Arthur.

 

„I wanna do the same for you“ he mumbled between the kisses „Loving you where it hurts the most…so...“ he lifted his face, looking at you „…where does it hurt?“

„Every inch untouched  by your loving hands“.

Only a heartbeat later Arthurs thumb gently brushed over your bottom lip as he whispered „Let me take care of that“.

[7fckingidiots]

Would you be alright with writing some HCs about the brothers and a MC who's a trans guy? Sorry if it's a tall order or too vague, they're a big comfort for me and I'd like to see what ideas you have bcs your headcanons are fantastic ;w;

HELL YEAH DUDE!!!! IM ALSO TRANS!!! AH!!!!! demigirl rights :3 but i also find a huge comfort in the boys and i hc all of them as trans because no one can Stop Me •• but i really hope you enjoy these and remember you’re valid and i care u so much! Also i hope you don’t mind but i kinda made it gender neutral so every trans folk could enjoy!

The Brothers With A Trans MC

Lucifer

He didn’t know until you came out to him honestly. He knew all his other siblings were trans but with all the work Diavolo gave him and adding new students from different realms on top of that he hadn’t really had time to notice any minor changes in you.

He feels guilty about this and immediately makes sure(like everyone else)to ask for your pronouns, name, and how you would like to present yourself from now on.

Fixes your ID cards and your papers with Diavolo right after dinner

God. He’s such a dad and he gets you things that have your new name on them. You wake up to see you have a new pencil case with your name embroidered on it with matching pencils. God.....he’s so weird i love him so much

Asmo does most of your clothing shopping but for formal wear he takes you shopping! He’s not about to buy you some cheap tux or gown ok it’s gonna be over 2000 grim and he’s gonna get you three of them STOP HIM

He’s not the best with verbal affection so he writes down notes that are like “you looked very handsome/pretty today.” or when he first starts writing them they’re like “you’re a boy/girl/kid. i’m proud of you.” Thank u mr morningstar

You want surgery or to start hormones??? He will stop all his work with Diavolo and spend forever looking up things for you, he wants you to be as safe as possible(pls he almost fainted after he realized you’d have to give yourself a shot like everyday dhdhdhjdhd hc that demons/angels don’t have to do hormone therapy i’m so JEALOUS)

Practices saying your pronouns in his study when you first come out. He just wants to make sure you feel as safe as possible in his care(and he remembers how terrible it felt to be misgendered)

Guess what....he loves you no matter what :)

Mammon

You’re blind as hell if you couldn’t see his top scars but I respect it

King DOES slip up on your pronoun change but always immediately corrects himself. Satan has a spray bottle that he sprays Mammon with when he does it. Mammon is NOT amused but the same can’t be said for Belphie.

Gender affirming activities??? Oh yeah like robbing a bank?? That’s pretty gender neutral and trans right?? Yeah!!! Wow such a good supportive brother.

If you want you can wear the formal wear Lucifer bought you to the said bank heist. Boom trans rights

You can practice painting his nails or doing his makeup if you’re too nervous to do it on yourself first!! Dw if it’s bad he also can’t do makeup or paint nails so once you let him return the favor you’re both laughing and Asmo is distraught.

KING at dying hair he will get you whatever you need and if you want an entire different hair cut entirely he’s ON it

Very used to being Loud and Brash but if you need someone to talk to about anything really he always calms down and sits down to listen to whatever you have to say.

Lots of gendered gifts from him. This said for men??? Oh ok adds to cart. Oh pink??? For ladies??? yeah that can go in there too

You’re never gonna believe this.....But he loves you and supports you :)

Levi

He was the first one to come out to you at the house!! He was just so excited! Same hat!!!

Gets literally any video game where you can design the protag/have custom pronouns and will play games like that with you for hours

Would you like a pride flag.....for u.....He has too many.....Please take the trans flag please he has no room....he bought in bulk for a pride event and didn’t consider the consequences of his actions

Miku binder but irl. He will get if for you but unironically.....thanks King. He just likes binders with patterns and i respect IT

Dysphoria?? He gives you his hoodie bc that was his trademark dysphoria hoodie and i GUESS for you he can share............he would give u anything just ask nicely he’s sensitive

Reads any character that matches up with your gender and is like!!!!! That’s you!!!! OMG!!!! You in da IRL

Goes back and edits his tweets if they use your old name or pronouns(also has he/they in his bio. this is for nothing just makes me :D)

If you haven’t chosen your name he’s gonna suggest so many fictional characters. POV levi kin assigns you.

You listen to music together that just has Trans Vibes.....maybe u cry together but there’s no judgment!! It’s just nice :)

God it’s wild but! He loves u and thinks ur great :)

Satan

Enby Satan. That’s all :)

He’s very quite about it, he supports you! He’s just not loud like his brothers

He brings you book about gender studies and LGBTQ history that he thinks would interest you(there some of his favorite books and they’ve made him feel the most comfortable in his gender)

Gives you a name list if you haven’t named yourself yet! He cares about you and wants to make sure you have the right name that suits you

He’s the one that tells you that it’s ok if you’re still figuring it all out, learning about yourself is a very tricky process and if anyone knows that it’s Satan

Any of the brothers would kill anyone who misgendered you but with Satan that shit is ON SIGHT

Asks you how you know and what were the signs that gave it away to you, but only if you’re comfortable telling him!! He just finds everyone’s experience interesting and would like to know yours as well.

Spells for fucking DAYS Satan personally kills body dysphoria the best he can(mainly bc he’s HIGHKEY afraid of you getting surgery he hates knives so much)

Makes your comfort food for you when you’re feeling down about yourself and will read whatever you want to hear outloud to you.

!!!!!! GET THIS !!!!!! He loves YOU :0

Asmo

Fucking excited!!!! This means you two are going to buy so much clothing together and he gets to style you let’s GO

Buys you whatever you want but he will make you try it all on so be CAREFUL what u wish for.....ur gonna be there till the store closes yeah......

Paints your nails with the trans pride flag!! Also does your makeup and gives you tips on how to look more masculine or fem!!

VOICE LESSONS

He will help you lower or raise the pitch of your voice if it KILLS him. It eventually becomes like a mini class after school

Helps with internalized transphobia! Hes dealt with his fair share and knows how awful it can be and he will NOT being having you experience that as well we r practicing Self Care now

Picks apart any one who misgenders you until they’re crying he has NO fucking time for that behavior in this HOUSE

Sometimes self care is eating whatever you want and sitting in the dysphoria hoodies while watching chick flicks with Asmo

He likes dressing you up but he’s always sure to set boundaries so he never puts you into something that makes you feel uncomfortable

ALSO edits his posts and takes down anything that makes you uncomfortable!!

He loves you so much!!!!

Beel

another one to hand you The Dysphoria Hoodie and it’s very large and comfy!

he’ll help you make out a work out routine that will help you get the body you want and it makes him really happy to work out with you :)

he’s gonna hold your hand if you have to take shots and will give you puppy eyes if you don’t let him. He’s just worried!!!! He wants to help

stands behind you whenever you’re nervous about coming out to someone, he will NOT have someone making you feel bad or misgendering you

he’ll see food with trans pride colors and gives it too you, probably doesn’t even know what it is half the time but it made him think of you so he makes sure to get it for you

he doesn’t trip up on any of your new pronouns or name and makes it seem like he never even knew them. dead name???? what’s that??? a type of sauce?????

will let you vent to him whenever needed and will always make you a sundae after you’ve finished. it’s comically huge but it’s tasty and does make you feel a lot better, thanks beel

makes sure you remember to take off your binder if you’ve been wearing it for more than eight hours! and if you’ve been wearing heels to feel more fem he reminds you to take those off too and has a pair of slippers for you in his room that you can wear instead

hey! get this! He loves you so, so much :D

Belphie

you’re trans? ok kid join the club. he doesn’t make a big deal at all

are you still gonna cuddle with him and join him in his quest to make lucifer’s life difficult? yeah? ok then cool what’s ur name 

if he hears someone misgender you he waits till you’ve left the room and just kills whoever did it, dude’s unhinged what did you expect from him honestly

he’s actually really curious about any hormone therapy you’re on and likes listening to you rant about it to him. he likes seeing your face light up and it partly reminds him of lilith

calls your hormones something stupid like “oh dude, your gamer girl juice arrived.” or “hey your little man potion is here.” ...thanks belphie

will NOT let you sleep in a binder or push up bra!!! not healthy!! let ur chest breath guys 

like mammon, he gets you gendered gifts but they’re so fucking weird? you didn’t need a girls version of a collectable hot wheels set???? he got you blue lightning mcqueen sheets?????? those EXIST here????!!!!! when does he even shop......

introduces you to new people like “this is our resident boy/girl/human. they don’t do much but i think they’re cool.”

he really does care about you but he remembers when he came out he just didnt want people to make a big deal about it so he’s just doing what would have made him feel the most comfortable, but you can still see how much love he has for you when you look into his eyes

he loves you, so, so much :)