#i feel bad. they shouldnt have to deal with me
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#vent post essay ahead lol#having complexes about talking about your emotions is literally the fucking devil . its miserable. it sucks so bad.#the aamount of damage that is caused to someone by like#i mean im talking abou t me here obviously.#being the person whose like. overall ultimately tends not to feel horrible as often is like.#it's nice not feeling bad emotionally all the time but also it's like. i develop this complex about being like able to help.#i don't feel bad anywhere near as often as my friends so i can help them out and listen to them vent i can have the mental room to#like listen to them talk about their problems. yeah. but it makes me feel like. well this is my job now so i shouldn't fucking talk about m#i shouldnt vent when i feel bad because that's not what i'm known for. plus my friends already all feel worse than me more often than me. s#i don't want to dump any more on their plate than they have to deal with. i don't want to burden them anymore than i have to. and like it's#it's hard. i hate fucking talking about it and it's made so much worse when its like people i love . always been a fucking problem becaus#i just feel fucking horrible admitting that i feel bad i hate that so much. i don't want to like turn away people who care about me but li#i feel like if i tell them what's wrong with me i'll like do it anyways. i feel like i come off as super normal and happy go lucky and like#ostensibly fine. so when i admit this shit its like. oops the facade is cracking!!!!!! uh oh uh oh you can't help people so you feel bad!!!#because your fucking npd has made you feel self centered in a way that means you want to help people or some shit i dont fucking know#and so when i feel bad or get mad over something unreasonable it's like. well i hope i fucking keel over and die or something i dont like .#i don't want people seeing me like this or whatever. and my stupid fucking personality disorder just ruins every god damn thing its so bad.#my past experiences giving me complexes that lead to me feeling fucking left out over like small stupid stuff but god the worst part is lik#my brain categorizing something as being ''My Thing'' so somebody else talks about liking my thing AFTER my brain has designated it mine#makes alarm bells go off and feel like theyre fucking. i don't know encroaaching on my turf or what the fuck ever? it SUCKS ASS#it makes me feel HORRIBLE . and it's like i'm not gonna fucking bring it up because i don't wnt to be like a dick but also it's like well.#i feel fucking miserable about this but it's just like mean and unnecessary and cruel to like stifle people's fucking fun because of my dum#fuckin complexes. it's fucking constant. like oh look at you girl you feel fucking left out because you never get characters who really gri#you mentally and so now you have one but oops! someone else talked about them and now you're seeing red! you like this person though#so you're gonna feel fucking MISERABLE about this . you're gonna feel HORRIBLE because of this. and there's nothing you can fucking do#and it controls my goddamn life and i HATE IT i fucking HATE IT i wish i knew how to fix it. ghghrgurghrughruhg i want to fucking explode#and then you feel bad about feeling bad because you are fucking sisyphus. you're sisyphus. and your own anger is your boulder. you ingrate.#i hate this. i just wanted to have a good day.#jane mary cry one tear
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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people are coming onto my post about parts language and going “but remember, pushing parts language on people is never okay!!”
when did i say that. like please. i said that parts language shouldnt be vilified and treated as lesser because some people self elect to use it. nowhere did i say that people should have it forced onto them if they dont want it.
the point of the post was to let people self elect the language they use without making one seem bad or worse.
#sadie#im angry and might be making a big deal about nothing#but idk ive seen a couple people be like ‘dont forget parts language shouldnt be forced on anyone though!!’#i know. no certain type of language should be forced onto anyone#parts language made us able to talk about our system with others#it made us have internal communication better#it made us feel like we were able to begin self electing our own choices for ourselves individually#and it just frustrates me that on a post saying ‘this language shouldnt be seen as bad’ people are interpreting it as needing the disclaimer
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running a tumblr tournament is like one of the fastest ways to be dehumanized on this website. nobody sees a poll and thinks haha that was made by a person who has to look at this comment im going to make. poll runners are so fuckin treated like they dont have emotions and boundaries. people talk on my polls as if im not there and cant see them shit talking me and other voters. and i cant even complain about it without people calling me a pussy for not being able to handle the endless stream of hate
#negative#sorry im feeling things again <3#when i announced i was removing characters from my tournament because i nearly had a panic attack over the drama#someone actually told me to suck it up and deal with it and that i shouldve expected that to happen#like you realize thats a problem right. that our current tumblr culture means wanting to run a silly poll guarantees you will#have to deal with the most horrendous fucking bullshit. you get that thats bad right.#obviously some negativity is to be expected. but to the point of a panic attack? that shouldnt be the norm.
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#the day was going so well until my mom decided to be mean to me for no reason in a piblic space where i was already feeling scared and over#stimulated. i wanted to try out the skateboards in decathlon but there were too many people and i got scared. and my mom suddenly said that#the skateboard that she was going to buy for me after/on my birthday. she had decided to buy now. since we were alr in theshop and i said no#way bec i hadnt decided which one i wanted yet and i was soo panicked. and then after some time when id calmed down a bit and was gonna try#to skate anyways she started questioning me abt when i planned on peacticing and where i was gonna do it and i obviously just started saying#things that i thought she would approve of. and then she told me i didnt have the time management skills or resolve to make it work. and she#just kept on passive aggressively bullying me until i just couldnt do it anymore and i told her i wanted go leave the store bc she was#spoiling the mood. and then she started bullying me louder and she told me to stop blaming her bc she was only asking me a question and she#didn't want to waste any more money on things that i wasnt gonna do even though ive wanted a skateboard for years now and have been actively#asking her for months. and i just lost my emergy and my appetite and i wanted to leave the mall and go home but insteaf she gook us to a#bagel place that ive been trying to get her to take us even though i felt like throwing up before we even left the mall and i told her i#didnt want to go there. and my brother even told her that she was ruining things for everyone. and he still ended up blaming me in the end.#but whatever. i kept getting flashbacks to insanely traumatic moments where shed yelled at or bullied me or cornered me or tried to#embarass me in public. and this is most likely my last year at home. and my last year of childhood. and its all going to be remembered in my#brain as underwhelming and depressing and mostly horrible. and im going to leave home and never cone back and my last year at home is going#to be just as shitty as every other year and ill just have to deal with that and try to build something good and new and kind when i leave#she shouldnt speak to her own children like this. she shouldnt be looking for reasons to make things miserable for me all the time like this#i should study. my head hurts. my entire body hurts so bad#delete later
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#ay ay ay. i dont wanna do my job so bad. it makes me so unhappy also i fucked up a thing by letting someone take part of a culture when i#shouldnt have. it happened so many months ago that i fucking forgot abt it and then the person emailed me abt when we received the stain and#i thought it was someone from another project so i cc'd my boss who was like. wait. what the fuck is this? and now its like oops sorry but#like wtf am i supposed to do abt it now? she askrd me to take some when i was rushing out of someone else's lab and i was like what? sure.#whatever i dont give a fuck i feel like im dying every second i stand in this room. i didnt even think to ask to share it which is what i#should have done. oops. cant do anything abt it now other than feel abt abt causing drama between labs. ugh.#i just wanna cut all ties with my old work. theres no joy there. only pain and anger. which makes it hard to work with it but the sooner i#do. the sooner i dont have to fucking deal with it anymore. ugh. also i really need to find a therapist but my insurance changes in like 18#days so i might as well wait for the semester to start. ugh. like i can feel the pull of my bad habits trying to drag me down and i dont kno#how to stop them. like its weird. i noticed while my parents were here. they can just do things and enjoy stuff. and everytime i do#something i feel like im holding my breath the entrie time waiting for it to be over and for what? its not like i had other stuff to do#i just needed to kno when things were gonna end and i dont deal well with flexible situations. which makes it hard to do things. so its#like do i succumb to my control freak lil bubble of not doing anything and being miserable or do things outside my comfort zone and be#miserable? one of those things is way easier. plus i dont even kno anyone here so its like wtf do i do?#try to make friends with my sometimes roommate maybe. i just need to corner her and be like hey i need to establish a dialog with u so i can#tell u that if i seem like a weird hermit im not trying to b standoffish i just dont kno how to do human interaction well. can we b friends?#id like to b friends but if i dont talk now then ill get stuck not talking ever. which is whats happened with past roommates... god my 1st#roommate must have thought i was so fucking weird. ugh. point is. these bad habits must stop. and i really need to get work done so i can#never think abt that shit ever again. at least now that ive moved i can run up the side of a mountain when im frustrated#unrelated
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i might be dumb as rocks lmao
#hdhddjjss you know all the mulling and being really down made it really hard to accept to be around people#MOSTLY bc its a 'ahhhh i shouldnt bother them they have better things to deal with'#but then it went back into isolating again and 😐 sir youre not getting better by doing this#jfjdjd did i ever say? i used to invite my friends to go study together and all early on#but i stopped doing that bc i couldnt handle the idea of people dealing with me#bc of everything that happened + not wanting to have a breakdown in front of people but#oh and also a bunch of classmate drama but thats a different thing#sO it turned into 'oh wait i think people hate me'#girl you isolated YOURSELF what do YOU think is going on#tw vent#vent#anyways.#so friends kept inviting me out to study this week which made me kinda :')#like listen. nothing about being here feels real tbh. its more a dream and im just ready for it to come crashing down#but it sure is nice to still be invited out and kinda reminded people want me around anyways#regardless if i think im not worth their time and all that#i just feel bad if i start crying on the spot if i show up bc i am ! a cry baby#vent in tags#its not really a vent but meh#anyways. assurance goes a long way basically. im very bad at asking for assurance bc i dont think people should bother but#when people do these things its nice#just small gestures and all#am i romanticizing it a bit? i guess but ill just hold onto any belief for some sense of good lmao
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having an autism overempathy moment
#well. its big for me i have trouble with empathy generally#i just wish no one had to go through bad things wver. seeing posts where ppl talk abt feeling outcasted in places that should be safe and#nearly crying bc thats just so terrible and it shouldnt be like that no one should have to deal with that. It makes me so so fucking sad ho#much some people just deeply hate others for no reason. I wish it would end#txt
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I'm trying to plan for the future and it's making me feel more alien than ever
#suicide tw#just a rant#but anyway...#so my bestie is moving to cambridge for work and is desperate for me to move and live with him#realistically this is my best chance at moving out from my parents house and leaving my beloved (but awful) north east#so im humouring him and trying to plan something#and fuck me its bleak#why is trying to find something i won't be utterly miserable in such a tall order#like most of these listings i look at and cant imagine myself happy in#ive been suicidal for so long ive alwys struggled to plan#but it shouldnt be a tall order right? this is a big opportunity for me and I'm terrified of fucking it up#even if i find something that looks bearable its unlikely id successfully apply#my cv and education look awful#i have bad a level grades and failed uni. one first year and two second years dont make a degree it seems. a human geography degree no less#🤡#and my last job was lifeguarding as a teen#even if i do find something im still dealing with the horrors (cptsd and diabolically untreated adhd)#i just feel like i dont stand a chance out there. im barely even sentient anymore#and my one goal in life shouldn't be to not be suicidal but that seems like thats a tall order... which is bleak as fuck#can a person be so damaged by their past they have no future? i guess we'll see#failed to mention I can't drive either 🥰
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Sometimes i look at statistics for # of ppl who have had suicidal thoughts / etc & I'm just kinda like. "There's No Way it's that low, right?"
Guys I think I have a normalized mindset that might not be entirely healthy
#speculation nation#suicide ment/#NO IT'S NOT HOW IT USED TO BE. im fine for the most part.#but it still feels so normal to me lmao and apparently it is not in any way normal#or at least. shouldnt be.#majority of people apparently never even consider it as an option#meanwhile theres me with my longstanding philosophy of like#'if i lose literally every single person who cares about me then yea im killing myself lol'#BUT it works the other way too where so long as i got ppl who care about me. even just one person. imma keep living#that's what got me outta my teen years and im just keeping going with it#the underlying idea being that if i get to the point where i have lost literally every person who cares about me#i probs have some Pretty Big Problems so the wish would inevitably be there anyways lol#but yea uhhhhh yea. it's much more quiet than it was when i was a teen and thank god for that#it's annoying to deal with lmao#but it's still so normalized in my mind. i can end up muttering some rly concerning shit to myself when im really really mad or frustrated#primarily at work lol. as it goes.#then again ive always had a screw loose & bad ex just rly knocked it out of order lol#patched it up with duct tape and gorilla glue. slaps the top of this hunk of barely functional meat. this babey sure can brain#....in theory lmao#sorry for the dark topic i promise im feeling fine. aside from the muscle soreness and fatigue lol#just saw a post that got me thinking about how weird & skewed my perspective is. And So It Goes.
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how is it that i can feel nostalgic about the time i was sitting on the pavement under an overpass in a foreign country crying because something didnt go my way and gave me a bit of a largish bill but clearly really cause there must be something wrong with me
#this post started out being about nostalgia being for the past not just fun stuff but then it turned into what the fuck is wrong with me#nah like i dont actually cry in public or anything#there was no one around and i had my hood up#also when its strangers in a foreign country youll never ser again who dont notice your existence that princippal becomes less important#and yes it wasnt actually that much of a big deal im just stingey and think it was unreasonable and it wasnt my fault#only it actually sort of was if id actually bothered to use google and translate or actually ask someone and if id been less stingey in#the first place there wouldnt have been a misunderstanding and i wouldnt have got in trouble#but yes the point is the fact that i was cyring about it was a total overreaction and completely pathetic#even though cyring in privates like actually fine and this was basically private its still pathetic#i can say it was general stresses or whatever i guess which is probably true i dont know why else id do it#except that im a stupid pathetic self pitying loser thatll jump on any chance to feel sorry for myself#i suppose since i dont have much of a life i never feel emotions much any more cause theres nothing happening to make me feel them#so considering that it does make more sense and doesnt sound so bad#well whatever reason in general i dont think its a normal or balanced reaction#but thats how it works isnt it lots of small things build up and you ignore them but eventually something tips you over the edge#and i get pissed off or very very occassionally might cry about it#maybe it isnt even that unbalanced when i put it like that#or maybe im just justifying it cause i cant admit i really am that pathetic#but anyway the nostalgias more fun to think about#even though it was only a few months or so ago#maybe its cause i feel like i have to grasp onto any past i have at all to show i have an existence so i feel like i have an identity#or whatever im too tired its like 2am#am i actually going to post this#i shouldnt#not that being pathetic on the internet where theres such a minute chance some random stranger might see it makes any difference
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Vent
Tw: sewerslide and SH
#....i really miss being 4yrs without a care in the world and my family loved each other so purely#fuck its not fair that she does this to me#im shaking over how upset this is making me#i cant always be the one at fault thats IMPOSSIBLE and not fair#she sees it as im lazy n dont like being told to do stuff#i see it as she literally picks on me everytime her health anxiety gets to her or her fiance......i watch it happen like fuckin clockworm#but im the bad guy im the lazy emotional youngest sibling whos life was sooooooo perfect cus mom n dad treated me different#I WAS HIGHLY AUTISTIC#im sorry that you wanna feel special so you gotta pretend my life was just so great cus i got extra attention#I NEEDED EXTRA ATTENTION#Dad did his best to make us all feel equal and you know thst#i du no im jjst fucking done with the littlw comments#i read over my dads shoulder so i already knew but my sister brought up what he said to her before sending me here since the waters broke#he said “please dont say anything to her she has enough on her plate”#and she just got all snippy with me about it#....i literally came to your house with 3 big slashes on my arm when do i get a fucking break from the picking????#next time ill do both my arms maybe then shell have nice emptions for me#im literally frozen in my seat sweating cus of how upset im trying not to bw#its very rare she has a soft moment with me and she completely ignores my scars or my mental health#shes now crying in the other room......#like....i dont even know what to do abymore its not fair im always the bad guy#i shouldnt have to deal with a shitty attitude ontop of the other stuff i got going on#its like shes allowed to stab me but i even react to the pain suddenly im a horrible person#its times like these i just wanna end myself cus im tired of trying so hard and having no one to unmask with#im constantly performing for other people only to not get the same energy back im SO tired#update: i escaped#i love my sister but when shes struggling she acts bitchy towards me and thats not fair#literally did the oppisite of what my dad asked her lmao#i bet she stopped crying and is now finding any lil mistake to bitch about#now im blasting sad music into my ears in hopes of not spiraling
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i may just be too sensitive but i really wish my friends would make fun of my friend's ex for all the bad shit she did instead of constantly calling her fat or ugly or making fun of her current partner for having kyphosis
#like idk im trying not to get my feelings hurt because idk if they perceive me that way or realize that it might hurt my feelings#but i am a bigger person and a wannabe masc and they just keep making fun of the ex for being a fat butch.#also they didnt know me in high school when my scoliosis was bad so i shouldnt get my feelings hurt over them making fun of kyphosis#but its upsetting to know my friends would have tslked bad about younger me for how i looked#especially when i deal with pots and chronic pain caused by my scoliosis and surgery#vent
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spent last night worrying abt luke bc of this entry and also how his parents know that hes a replica now which makes it plausible that they'll reject him if they ever see him again, if they can ever return to baticul that is.. and like at least natalia is loved by her people but luke had been shut away for 7 years no one outside the palace knows him and he didnt even know what baticul looked like.. paired w the fact that he caused akzeriuths destruction and this line from asch
like uwgh... ugh.........
#and wht luke had said on the airship when they were captured by kimlasca (i think. so much has happened omg)#where he said him being born threw the score off track#it feels like. thinly veiled suicidality there#and i worry at some point. hes gonna try and give up his life for smth bc he feels like he shouldnt have been born in the first place#that bc of him asch suffered or something#paired w the deaths he caused at akzeriuth#like auwghehhh...... and worrying abt luke makes me worry abt asch#who knows what his deal is but i feel like something bad is gonna happen to him. like i dont want it to but eurhjegj#like it feels thematically fitting if either luke or asch die in the ending but i dont want that to happennnejsjfb#like help i actually dont know the ending to this story or any major spoilers so that means that. ANYONE COULD DIE#chimpanzee.png I Dont Knowwwwwwwww#toto lb
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#i need to be away from here#gott i just...#im autistic right just fyi#and my mum does not treat me as if i were#like she has neurotypical standards for me which i have to meet otherwise there will be Bad Consequences#and this is killing me bc im not neurotypical#the only way she'll treat me as autistic is if i get officially diagnosed#which i kinda want but also dont want#and its just. she's. gott my relationship with her is so complicated but shes caused me so much hurt and trauma and pain and#thats what im feeling right now. that.#i should get a diagnosis for me not for her#but i dont think i can survive in this environment for much longer#i told my dad i might try get diagnosed (havent talked to him about autism before) n he was like “okay”#pretty much verbatim#which is realistically the best response i couldve had#then he went on a rant about how autism “didnt exist” in the past and how its caused by vaccines#and this drug which apparently helps with autism and when i said No im not doing that i dont want to be “cured” this is a thing that#shouldnt be cured he was like ??? then whyd you want a diagnosis#hhhh but that i can deal with. after 4 years of being subjected to his and my mums conspiracy theory bullshit i can put up with it#at first it really stressed me out but i can cope with it now and come up with well thought out and factual grounded counter arguments#n i told my mum that dads fine with me getting a diagnosis n then i asked her if when i get one she'll treat me as if i were autistic#and she laughed and was like wait until you get one#like she doesn’t think i am which shows how Fucking Little she knows about me and how much i have to hide from her#because shes always shouted at me for Every Autistic Trait i display#im never fucking good enough for her#she treats me and percieves of me as if im neurotypical and Im Not#i remember once (after something happened) i heard her shout “WHY CANT I HAVE FUCKING NORMAL CHILDREN” or something like that#that sticks with you.#that shit hurts and sticks with you#who gave this woman two queer autistic mentally ill children to raise who's fucking plan was that
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not the misgendering again
#it definitely doesnt make me want to die :)#im fucking serious i am at my limit with my stepdad. like im fucking calling him by his name in my head bc he is NOT the dad i had before#i dont know what happened but its like my dad disappeared over night and now i live with a complete stranger#why it still hurts this bad after nine years i dont know but i wish it didnt#i wish it didnt still fucking hurt because it doesnt matter how i feel about it. it isnt going to change#i just wish someone would stand up for me in that regard but we all know it wont make him stop so whats the point. itll just make him angry#and then well all have to deal with it#connor.vtxt#im sorry i just. i was having a good night and now im considering smoking another bowl bc Fuck This Shit#i know i shouldnt do it but everything hurts and my heart is beating too hard#i just hope this gets better because i really cant keep doing this for the rest of my life. i really cant#dont worry abt the first tag btw im not going to do anything. im okay#well. not okay but not actually considering That.#he does not respect me in any regard. especially not as a person. but expects me to respect him and never tell him what he says/does hurts#he doesnt even apologize anymore#he thinks its 'another one of my mental illnesses'
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