#i feel like i've done progress today and i can work on this more tomorrow. crazy

[estapa-edwards]

THAT WAY -- ETHAN EDWARDS x fem! READER

paring : ethan edwards x fem! reader

word count: 2078

requested? yes; Can you do a request for Ethan Edwards in which he meets the reader in a class which makes them friends and then everyone thinks they are together and they’re secretly both liking each other as more than friends as well?

warnings: use of y/n

As I stepped into the sports management classroom for the first time, I felt a mix of excitement and nervousness. The room was filled with eager students, all chatting and getting settled in their seats. I found an empty chair near the back and took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves.

The professor, a tall man with glasses, began introducing himself and outlining the course syllabus. I listened intently, taking notes and trying to absorb as much information as possible. As the class progressed, I couldn't help but notice a guy sitting a few rows ahead of me. He had a confident demeanor and seemed to be engaged in the discussion, raising thoughtful questions and participating actively. 

After the class ended, I gathered my belongings and made my way towards the exit. As I was walking out, I accidentally bumped into the same guy I had noticed earlier - Ethan Edwards.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" I exclaimed, feeling embarrassed.

Ethan looked up and smiled, "No worries! It's a crowded class, and it's easy to bump into someone."

I smiled back, relieved by his friendly response. "I'm new here," I admitted. "Trying to find my way around and get to know people."

Ethan extended his hand, "I'm Ethan. It's nice to meet you."

"I'm y/n," I replied, shaking his hand.

"I'm running late to hockey practice, but it was nice talking to you, y/n," Ethan said, checking his watch.

"Yeah, you too, Ethan," I replied, smiling as I began to walk away.

"Wait," Ethan called out, causing me to turn back and face him. "Can I get your number?" He had a genuine smile on his face, which made my heart skip a beat.

"Of course," I said, feeling a rush of excitement.

A few months had passed since that conversation with Ethan, and I had since landed an internship as the media girl for the Umich socials. This new role brought Ethan and me even closer, as I got to spend more time with him and the hockey team, covering their practices and games. We studied together almost everyday.

I was sitting at a table in the library, textbooks and notes spread out in front of me as I focused on my studies. Ethan was sitting across from me, also engrossed in his own work.

"Hey, y/n," Ethan said, glancing up from his book. "Do you understand this chapter? I'm having a hard time with it."

I looked up and smiled at him. "Yeah, it's a bit confusing, but I think I've got the hang of it. Want me to help you out?"

Ethan nodded gratefully, pushing his book towards me. "That would be great, thanks."

As Ethan and I delved into the study material, I noticed Mark and Rutger walking past our table, their eyes lingering on us as they exchanged amused glances.

Mark leaned in towards Rutger, whispering something that made Rutger chuckle, both of them clearly finding something funny about Ethan and me studying together.

Trying to ignore their teasing, I focused on explaining the chapter to Ethan. "So, basically, the key concept here is..."

Before I could finish my explanation, Mark and Rutger stopped at our table, their grins widening as they decided to join in on the fun.

"Wow, look at you two, hitting the books together. How romantic," Mark commented, feigning a swoon as he dramatically placed a hand over his heart.

Rutger nodded in agreement, smirking at Ethan and me. "Yes, it's a true love story for the ages. Study partners today, soulmates tomorrow," he added, laughing.

Ethan rolled his eyes at their playful teasing but couldn't hide his smile. "Come on, guys, we're just trying to get some work done," he said, trying to steer the conversation back to our studies.

I chuckled at Ethan's response, feeling a bit flustered by Mark and Rutgers jokes but also amused by their playful antics. "Ignore them, Ethan. Let's get back to the chapter," I said, trying to regain our focus. Mark and Rutger laugh and start walking away

Ethan rolled his eyes and called out after them, "How many times do we have to tell you we aren't dating?"

I felt a twinge of annoyance at Ethan's response, though I wasn't sure why. His casual dismissal of the situation and the assumption behind Mark and Rutgers teasing seemed to strike a nerve. I took a deep breath, trying to shake off the feeling.

"Ethan, maybe they wouldn't tease us so much if you didn't play into it," I said, my tone sharper than I intended.

Ethan looked taken aback by my comment, his playful demeanor fading as he realized he might have upset me. "Sorry, y/n..."

I cut him off, "Let's just get back to studying, Ethan," I said, my tone a bit firmer than before.

Later that night, I found myself lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. The events of the day replayed in my mind, but my thoughts kept drifting back to Ethan. The way he smiled, the sound of his voice, and the ease with which we spent time together had been on my mind constantly. 'Does he even think of me that way?' I wondered, my mind thinking back to the time he held my hand a little longer than necessary or when he would touch my thigh when we sat next to each other. 

Sitting side by side on Ethan's couch, we were engrossed in watching a movie together. The room was dimly lit, the soft glow from the TV casting a warm ambiance. As the film's tension built, Ethan's hand rested close to mine on the cushion between us.

Suddenly, during a particularly intense scene, I felt Ethan's hand shift slightly, his fingers grazing my thigh. The touch was subtle but deliberate, sending a jolt of excitement through me. My heart raced as I glanced over at him, wondering if he had meant to make such a bold move. Ethan's eyes met mine briefly, a hint of a smile playing on his lips, before returning his attention to the movie. 

I jolted up and said, "Oh god, I think I like Ethan." 

After their practice one day, it was time to ask the 'Monday Question'. I set up the camera, adjusting the angle and checking the lighting, and waited patiently until the players started coming up the stairs. Rutger was the first one up.

"Alright Rut, who on the team would you not let date your daughter?" I asked, getting straight to the point.

Rutger chuckled, glancing towards Ethan who was waiting his turn to be interviewed. "I would have to say Ethan, since you guys are dating," he laughed, sending a playful wink towards Ethan as he walked away.

Ethan and I both rolled our eyes at Rutgers' comment. "Rutger, we aren't dating, come back and give an actual answer," I called out. 

Rutger laughed, turning back towards the camera. "Alright, alright, I'd probably say Mark. He's a bit of a wild card and I wouldn't want my hypothetical daughter getting caught up in his antics."

"Good choice," I replied, nodding in agreement.

Luca was next in line for his interview. As he approached, he grinned mischievously, clearly enjoying the opportunity to continue the teasing.

"Alright, Ethan, I've got to ask," Luca began, looking directly into the camera. "Are you and y/n actually dating, or is it all just a rumor?"

I glanced at Ethan, curious to see how he would respond to the direct question. Ethan looked at me, his eyes softening with sincerity before turning back to the camera. 

"We are just friends, that's all we'll ever be," Ethan replied, his voice steady but his eyes briefly meeting mine. I felt my heart ping, a mixture of disappointment and understanding washing over me.

The atmosphere among the players shifted slightly, sensing the underlying tension between Ethan and me.

"Alright, thanks Ethan," I said 

Ethan nodded, offering me a small, reassuring smile as he stepped away from the camera. "Anytime," he said softly, his eyes lingering on mine for a moment longer than necessary before he turned to join the rest of his teammates. I finished the rest of the video, but couldn't help thinking about what Ethan said. 

Ethan's POV:

A wave of guilt washed over me. Mark and Rutgers teasing had planted a seed of doubt in my mind, and my attempts to downplay our relationship had been misleading. The truth was, I genuinely liked y/n, more than I had initially realized.

Ethan and y/n sat on the floor of his room, surrounded by textbooks, notes, and laptops. They had been studying for hours, the soft hum of background music filling the room. The atmosphere was comfortable, and both were engrossed in their work.

Ethan glanced over at y/n, watching her as she focused intently on her laptop screen, her brows furrowed in concentration. He was struck by how effortlessly beautiful she looked, even in this simple setting.

He found himself captivated by the way her eyes would occasionally light up with understanding or how she would bite her lip when deep in thought. The way she laughed at his silly jokes or how she would playfully roll her eyes at his occasional teasing comments made his heart flutter.

As they took a short break, Ethan decided to play one of his favorite songs. The soft melody filled the room, adding a touch of romance to the atmosphere.

Ethan turned to y/n, their eyes meeting. In that moment, a wave of realization washed over him. He wasn't just enjoying her company as a friend; he was falling for her. Her laughter, her smile, her intelligence – everything about her was drawing him in, making him want to know more about her, to be with her.

Later that evening, Ethan found me as I was packing up my equipment. "Hey, y/n," he said, his voice gentle. "I hope I didn't make things awkward earlier. I just thought it would be best to clarify things for the team."

I looked up at him, searching his eyes for sincerity. "It's okay, Ethan," I replied, forcing a smile. "I understand."

Ethan sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Look, y/n, it's not that I don't have feelings for you..."

"Ethan, it's okay. We don't have to discuss this," I said, my tone coming out ruder than I intended. I turned my body away from him. 

He took a deep breath, gathering his thoughts before speaking again. "You know, y/n, there are so many things I admire and love about you. Your passion for what you do, your kindness towards others, and the way you always know how to make me smile even on my worst days." I braced myself before turning back around. 

His eyes softened as he continued, "I love how you're always there for me, no matter what, and how you always know just what to say to lift my spirits. Your laughter is infectious, and your strength inspires me every day." 

​​Ethan paused, a slight blush coloring his cheeks. . "And let's not forget your incredible talent and dedication. Y/n, I love you, and I can't risk losing you," he admitted, his voice filled with emotion and vulnerability.

I felt my heart skip a beat at his confession, my own feelings for him echoing his sentiments. "Ethan," I whispered, my voice choked with emotion. "I love you too." 

Ethan's eyes widened slightly, his gaze searching mine for confirmation. "Really?" he asked, his voice tinged with disbelief and hope.

I nodded, a tear slipping down my cheek. "Yes, Ethan, I really do," I said softly, my heart swelling with love and relief.

A radiant smile broke across Ethan's face, and he pulled me into a tight embrace, holding me close as if afraid I might disappear. "I'm so relieved to hear you say that, y/n," he murmured against my hair, his voice thick with emotion. 

Feeling reassured and grateful, I leaned in to press a gentle kiss on Ethan's lips, sealing our promises to each other. "I love you, Ethan," I whispered against his lips, feeling his arms tighten around me in response.

"I love you too, y/n," Ethan whispered back, his voice filled with warmth and affection.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REQUEST!

i might make a part 2 as a social media au!

[iichaeyj]

TOMORROW'S ESCAPE

marriage or death

the sun had set a while ago and the moon shone above you as you walked back to your home with sunghoon. after a long day of walking, eating, and hanging out with him, he seemed much more docile compared to your most recent interactions with him. as you glanced over at him, admiring his side profile, you couldn't help but feel as though today was a success in terms of getting closer to him.

"you didn't have to walk me home, you know," you tell him as you two walk up the sidewalk. you kick the stones on the ground as you walk, still unable to process this entire day and the time you've spent with your bias.

"i wanted to," he replies calmly. "and like I said, i live close by," he adds, shrugging casually. he turns his head, biting back a smile before looking back forward with a calm demeanor.

"how close do you live anyway?" you ask curiously, glancing up at the taller figure next to you.

he looks around awkwardly, shrugging while gesturing vaguely toward random directions. "just nearby," he says, clearing his throat.

you nod in response, unsure of how to respond to his short statement. to you, it seemed as though he didn't have much interest in talking or laughing or anything at all. even through the day when you two walked around the park nearby and got food together, he always looked around or turned around to mutter something to himself. in all, getting close to him was harder than expected despite the progress that was made.

"the photobooth we went to was a lot of fun," you tell him, smiling at him as you refer to the pictures you two took together in the tiny photobooth by the park.

"yeah, it was. i've never really been done that before, so it was nice," he tells you, giving you a small smile before he looks away again.

if you weren't on an insane mission to save him, you might've fainted from the sight of his smile.

and as you two approach your home, signaling that the day is about to come to an end, you try and figure out what to say. could you invite him out again? would he find it weird for you to be so eager? but then again, you have no clue as to how this will all work out and what will happen in the future. for all you know, the future could be changed for the worse if you didn't act soon.

pulling you out of your thoughts, sunghoon clears his throat as he stands in front of you. "i actually have something to tell you before you go," he tells you.

"what is it?" you ask curiously.

you look up at him, waiting patiently as he clears his throat once again and looks around awkwardly. his hands are tucked into his pockets as he looks down at you, standing straight as he meets your gaze.

however, before he can respond, you suddenly hear the sound of somebody walking up from behind you.

"hey! sunghoon, right?" a voice chimes in, catching sunghoon visibly off guard.

as you turn around, you're met with the sight of jay, aka jongseong park and your first crush, casually walking up to you two. he smiles casually at sunghoon, giving him a curt nod. "i thought i recognized you. you're jake's friend, right?" jay asks sunghoon. jay smiles calmly at him, completely unfazed by sunghoon's gaze hardening at the sight of him.

before sunghoon can respond, jay's eyes shift down to meet yours. he blinks in surprise, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "oh hey, y/n," he adds, clearly surprised to see you there.

"why are you here, jay?" sunghoon asks him, subtly looking jay over.

"just taking a walk," jay shrugs, either unaware or ignoring sunghoon's pointed looks thrown in his direction. "but i didn't think i'd see you here," jay adds, looking over at you again.

"i live here," you deadpan, giving him a weird look.

jay smiles at your reply, now clearly more interested in you than sunghoon. "no need to be so hostile," jay chuckles, tilting his head as he looks you over. "i thought i was the 'peanut butter to your yummy jelly,'" he quotes, reciting your love letter.

you flush in embarrassment, your cheeks burning red. you cursed out your younger self, wishing that you could've been sent back in time a few days earlier so that you could avoid the embarrassment. seeing your reaction, jay chuckles and reaches out to ruffle your hair.

however, you suddenly feel yourself being pulled back and placed behind a taller figure.

"can't you see that she's uncomfortable?" sunghoon asks, frowning as he stands face-to-face with jay. sunghoon straightens up slightly, looking down at jay as he meets his gaze confidently.

jay watches sunghoon curiously, observing him and his reaction as he pulls his hand back. "it was just a joke, park," jay shrugs casually, intrigued by sunghoon's strong reaction.

"save those jokes for someone else, then. we're busy," sunghoon snaps back, his lips curling down into a frown.

"didn't know you two were a 'we,'" jay snorts, rolling his eyes as his smile turns even bigger in amusement at this unexpected situation. he shrugs and turns around, beginning to walk away. "whatever! have fun, you two," jay calls out before he disappears down the street without glancing back.

sunghoon turns back to you, concern evident in his gaze. "are you alright?" he asks you, holding onto your upper arms as he tries to comfort you in whatever way he can.

you nod, unable to tell him that you were feeling more embarrassment from your past self's actions rather than jay himself. in this moment, all you could really see was sunghoon. and if you even tried to think too long about sunghoon's hands on your arms, you might faint from heat exhaustion. "yeah, i'm alright," you tell him, fanning your warm cheeks as you try and stop the redness that's spread all over your face.

mistaking your embarrassment as shame and sadness, sunghoon only holds onto you tighter as he rubs your arm to soothe you. despite your best efforts throughout the day, it was you looking vulnerable that seemed to have the most effect on him.

deciding to take advantage of this current situation, your mind suddenly focuses on your plan. "thanks for being such a good friend," you tell him suddenly, appearing pitiful as you gently touch his hand on your arm.

sunghoon freezes in place, looking at you with wide eyes. he clears his throat, thrown off by both your words and your touch. "friends?" he questions, almost in disbelief.

"we can be friends now, right? surely, you won't mind after all i've been through today," you sigh dramatically, pretending to look off into the street that jay went down.

sunghoon nods, albeit hesitantly. "yeah, friends," he says, his face stiff as he pats your arm in an awkward motion.

"great!" you say cheerily, feeling accomplished as you smile brightly at him. "thanks for hanging out today, it was a lot of fun," you tell him, already making your way to the door of your home. however, before you can go in, you suddenly turn around and look towards him. "oh but before i forget, what did you wanna tell me earlier?" you ask him curiously.

"it's nothing," sunghoon tells you quickly, running his hand through his hair. "good night," he says, giving you a small smile before he runs down the alleyway whilst trying to hide his ears that are burning red.

before | masterlist | next

taglist: @pshcomforts @zyvlxqht @forlovvers @lilyuwon @juyuppang @nanaheex @hotsforikeu @leep0ems @hexoolio @heejkae @thesassy-mia @in-somnias-world @lisaswifey @tr4ppola @xiaoderrrr @lost-leopard-beanie @papichulomacy @sasfransisco @tobiosbbyghorl @liumoonlight @shinrjj @powerpuffstuts @literallyags @seunghancore @whois-miki @moonlighthoon @lilifiedeans @cupidhoons @chaewonshoney @realrintaro @toomanybiasz @nctislifue @viagumi @ramenoil @shaniandme @luvvvash @conwunder @belovedsthings @n1k1mura @sincerelyrki @mumeimei @velvetkisscs @chocminteu @021894s @iren3luvv @ineedsomezzz @dulcewon @shuamorollss

to be added to my taglist, please reply to the masterlist or send a message to my inbox <3

A/N: decided to get rid of the views thing bc they're annoying and have no purpose 🥲💔 also this is cheesy ik but idc i love romance

[the---hermit]

More cross stitch updates! In the past few days I've made so much progress!

30|04|2024

Today was quite productive and still I managed to get enough breaks and rest when I needed it. I am very happy about this and I hope I can keep this up. I am still procrastinating in picking a new fiction read because nothing from my unread shelf calls to me at the moment. I do have a couple of non fiction books I have been slowly reading so I am not left without a read, but I would like to finally settle on a good fiction book to escape from reality in my free time. Still I will have to read a lot for uni so maybe it's better for me not to start any new books I cannot keep up with. I am listening to Monstrous Agonies a lot, and I can confirm it has turned into my comfort thingsTM. The way it makes me feel calm and comforted is unreal. I am also very excited for dracula daily to start at the end of the week. I think I will be listening to the podcast version like last year because it was phenomenal. As for actual study updates I have finally started to dive in the articles I found yesterday and I can proudly say I have read and annotated two full articles today. I was expecting to get less done. I still have to write a couple of general notes on my notebook for the last article, but I'll be doing that tomorrow.

today's productivity:

read in the morning (still reading the historical essay because I cannot pick a new fiction book uuugh)

started reading and annotating the articles I found to write my English lit paper (I worked on two today, which feels like a great start)

practiced Irish on duolingo

continued working on my cross stitch project

planned the rest of my week since I will be working on a couple of mornings

[wheels-of-despair]

Always Worth It | Ralph Penbury x You | Series Masterlist

The Most Amazing Wife in the World Summary: Ralph is having a rough day, but his amazing wife knows exactly how to turn things around. Words: 900ish

You hear a groan of frustration as you pass through the hallway outside Ralph's study.

You peek your head inside and see your usually-happy husband red-faced and angry at a desk full of papers. He glares at the page in front of him and holds a pen in his hand like he's ready to stab someone with it.

On another man, this sort of rage might be terrifying. But on your Ralphie, it feels about as threatening as an angry kitten.

"You're looking awfully grumpy in there, pup," you tease from the doorway. He looks up, and his face softens immediately. "Is everything alright?"

"Not really," he sighs, setting his pen aside. He rubs his eyes.

"Can I help you with anything?"

"Yes."

You step into the room and await instruction.

"A kiss, if you please."

You smile and approach his desk. Ralph pushes his chair back to make room for you, and you settle on his lap. He closes his eyes and tilts his head up, lips puckered and ready for his kiss.

You give him several, for being such an amazing husband.

Eventually, he rests his head in the crook of your neck and wraps his arms around you.

"What are you working on, love?" you ask, reaching for a piece of paper and trying to make sense of the figures that had been causing him so much grief.

"Boring financial things, mostly. I've been struggling with the arithmetic for so long, my fingers are starting to cramp."

You put down the paper and reach for his hand, bringing it to your lips and kissing each of his ink-smudged fingertips. Managing your own finances is hard work, but Ralph had decided that it was something he wanted to try, and you'd support him however you could. Even if it just meant distracting him when he needed it.

"How long 'til you're ready to stop for the day?"

Ralph looks at the grandfather clock and sucks air through his teeth.

"How about this," you suggest, placing a finger beneath his chin and guiding his gaze to yours. "You give this one more chance, and if you can't make sense of it in the next half-hour, you'll take it to a professional tomorrow."

"Alright," he smiles.

"Come to the garden when you've finished."

"Isn't it chilly out today?"

"Wear a jacket," you tease with a tug on his lapel.

Half an hour later, Ralph traipsed into the garden, bringing a blanket in case it was chillier than he thought.

But you'd already brought one.

A picnic blanket was spread on the ground beneath his favorite tree. On it were his smiling wife, a bottle of wine, and a basket that likely contained food.

Ralph's face split into a grin. This is exactly what he needed.

"Come on, pup, I have a surprise for you."

Ralph bounds over to the blanket, bubbling with excitement. TWO surprises? Mrs. Ralph Penbury is the most amazing wife in the world.

You hold up a pair of mittens. You're still new at knitting, and often laugh at your own attempts, but Ralph is so proud of your progress. Each new project is more beautiful than the last!

"They're lovely, darling!"

"I made them just for you," you smile, offering him the mittens. He takes them and turns them over in his hands, admiring the work and care and love you'd put into these. The finest, most expensive store-bought garments couldn't hold a candle to the things his wife made in their very own home. To think, a person could create something so thoughtful and personal with only a bit of string! He puts his mittens on, and his hands are soon as warm as his heart.

He grins at you and holds up his hands to show off his lovely gift, and you smile proudly.

"Are you ready for refreshments?" you ask, opening the basket you'd brought into the back yard. Ralph nods and scoots closer.

He moves to take his new mittens off, but your hand stops him. He looks up in confusion.

"You said your fingers were cramping from all the work you've done today. Give them a rest. Let me feed you."

Ralph nearly chokes on his own saliva.

While he sits there in stunned silence, you pull out finger sandwiches, fruit, and little treats to nibble on. When everything is out of the basket and on the blanket, you pour two glasses of wine and hand him one. He reaches out with his mittened hand and takes it with a smile that's starting to hurt his cheeks in the very best way.

"What looks good, pup?"

"Everything," he beams.

You smile, pick up a strawberry, and bring it to his lips. He leans forward just a little bit to take a bite of the sweetest, juiciest berry he's ever tasted. He feels the juice drip from his mouth, but doesn't dare dab at it with his new mittens. He reaches for a napkin, but--

"You've got a little something..." you whisper, leaning in close. Ralph freezes. Your tongue meets the trail of juice dripping to his chin and drags upwards until you meet his lips in a strawberry-flavored kiss.

You pull away with a warm smile, but Ralph needs more.

"You missed a spot," he breathes, as soon as he remembers how.

You laugh and give him another kiss, longer this time.

Is this really his life? Unscheduled picnics with a perfect wife who loves him and surprises him and makes him things and feeds him treats when his hands hurt and never gets tired of kissing him?

You've made Ralph Penbury the happiest husband in the world.

[bomberqueen17]

quick turnaround

The first chicken processing day is this coming tuesday. so we got back into town around 7pm last night, and I immediately put a load of laundry in.

This is mostly me wittering about chores and medical stuff, so, cut for boring, LOL.

it's cold and rainy here so I hung last night's laundry up on drying racks in the guest room, so mostly it is dry this morning-- delicates, so they didn't need to dry in the sun really-- and now this morning i've put in a second load and it's already on drying racks and some is on the line, it's not raining but it's cloudy so it'll dry slow, but like, trousers and t-shirts do better on the line than on racks. Yes I do own a dryer-- a gas dryer actually-- but it beats the fuck out of my clothes and I don't like to use it if I can in any way avoid it. (Mostly I use it to tumble towels and dress shirts for fifteen minutes, and then I hang them out once they're steaming and hot, and they dry without wrinkles that way. Yes I'm on the OCD spectrum, yes it mostly manifests about laundry. Hilariously, my farm BIL is also on the OCD spectrum, farther along it toward where it's actually a problem [mine is SO mild I don't claim it as a disorder at all, i just have things i Care About for Reasons], and has done tons of work on himself and tries to mask it, but once I understood that about him I understood that most of our lil workplace quarrels were our compulsions clashing, so I started making more concerted efforts to decide when to bow to his compulsions and when to advocate for mine, which in many cases are informed by superior knowledge as I've worked in food service more than him. I bow to him more on cleaning now because he does have prior janitorial experience. Unless I can prove he's wrong, LOL.)

I went off Ritalin mostly while on vacation-- I took it the morning I went fabric shopping because I thought it might help me actually make decisions, and that went well so maybe it worked. But that means I have extra pills, so I'm going to try to today take a morning and midday dose, while I have So Much To Do to prepare for the coming couple of weeks, and see if that plus the structure of this massive to-do list help me get anywhere. I just feel like if I can have this data before my next $300 3-minute psych consult I'll make more progress. Ritalin is better than Adderall (less brutal comedown, less getting "stuck")-- I *think*, but it's hard to tell. Vyvanse was also very hard to evaluate, is the problem, because that one I never did have any spare pills so I could never try an effective dose.

I do get it, i do get not giving me high doses when I'm so unsupervised, but-- for all of the medications, the first couple of days were weird and I had trouble hydrating and I was jittery and stuff, but it went away so quickly, I would have been fine with "take half dose two days, then ramp up to effective dose and see how it works" type directions, instead of "take what we know absolutely will be too little for you for two weeks and then come back and try to guess whether it helped", which has just meant I don't really have much data to on on here.

But. I've spent almost forty years needing this kind of medication and not able to access it at all, so I'm reminding myself that this is very rapid progress really.

So I figure I'll do a double dose today, a single tomorrow while I'm driving (maybe I will take that sole dose at midday, since driving is easy and boring but then I have work I need to get done all afternoon), and then I'll try either single or double dosing for the week of farm work until I can get my next appointment, depending how many pills I have. I want to be consistent but lol. It's not in my nature and it's not in my circumstances, so it can be a goal.

I also should write down what I realized about my sciatic nerve. I was joking that my knee caught a haunting in New Orleans somehow. Because it went from being a classic sciatic nerve pain situation-- starting in hip, through back of leg, ending at back of knee-- and wound up just being this horrible pinching pain right inside my knee, like not in the joint but somehow manifesting in a dimension extending from the back of my patella into Hell somehow-- and it was keeping me awake both when trying to nap during the day and also at night when trying to sleep. So I gave up on sleeping and sat on the couch to bitch about it in the complaints channel on the Discord where I'm mostly at home (it was a witcher server and over the last two or three years has mutated into just this ragtag group of us bitching about unrelated things and occasionally dumping fanworks on each other, sometimes about unrelated media)--

but here I'm gonna let you in on a secret, which is that complaining works sometimes. What? Yes. So in order to elicit maximal sympathy from my pocket friends by describing the problem really well (they're very good pocket friends, and many of them know things so describing stuff well sometimes means they have good advice, but even if not, I take satisfaction in communicating well, so I at least feel better about having done that), I really started paying attention to the pain, and I realized that what was happening was that it was sort of slowly throbbing on a cycle. I always knew where it was, but then it would get painful enough that I felt I had to move and change position, and it would stay at that level of pain for three or four seconds, and then taper off until I only just was aware of it, and then it would repeat-- and it was on a thirteen-to-fifteen-second cycle, and this is the crucial thing, it was unaffected by movement. I had been tossing and turning because what would happen was that it hurt badly enough that I felt I had to move it, and I would move and the pain would ease, and I would try to settle into a position, and then the pain would come back, and my half-asleep exhausted self thought that it was something I was doing. So it meant I was constantly moving, which meant I could not sleep. I had finally gotten out of bed and was alternating stretching and pacing, which seemed to be helping but then it was coming back, and the pacing sure as fuck wasn't helping me sleep, and I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong, until finally I stood still and timed it, and then moved and timed it, and realized it was the same.

Realizing that it was happening regardless of movement made me able to hold still while it hurt most acutely, and then sure enough it faded away. And once I knew that moving wouldn't help, I could ride out the urge to move. And once I wasn't constantly trying to find a comfortable position, I could rest. And once I was resting, I could fall asleep. Because this is the annoying thing-- the pain wasn't that bad, even. It's not the agony it has been in the past. I could move through it, easily. It was just too much to hold still through, until I realized that was what I needed to be doing.

So anyway-- traveling home it was mostly fine, it does not like standing in lines, and mostly i sat as much as possible, which isn't good for me long-term but i know over the next couple of weeks i will be doing a shitton of walking and standing so. we'll figure out tactics then.

so along with the ritalin i will be working out my ideal regimens of ibuprofen, aleve, and weed, LOL. Routine! I can make a routine. I can hinge my routine off other people's, which is what works well for me at the farm, and i can see if i can master the art of the amphetamines and maybe get some of my shit done.

Unfortunately all I want to do this week is sew, I watched all of the tourists and locals in NOLA and looked at what they were wearing and now know exactly what I want to make.

and i don't have time to do any of it. but. if i think about it and make concrete plans, i already own much of the fabric and most of the patterns i need. so i can do this. But I'll post separately about the Fashion Lewks I want to do, LOL.

I won't see my physical therapist again until like maybe early June. I counted it out and I've been doing physical therapy for about sixteen weeks at this point. My sister graduated from her physical therapy program and is out on her own now, having hugely improved. I can tell the bad hip is much improved but not healed-- sitting on the plane yesterday someone walked by and bumped my knee and it absolutely did make the cartilage flap go "pop" so that's not healed, but it hurt a lot less than that sort of thing used to. At the last appointment I had, the PT said I should just keep doing the exercises as my circumstances allow, and if they're too easy just increase reps etc., and we'd re-evaluate when I finally saw her again, because obviously I've had all these underlying cascading problems that can only be slowly solved by getting slowly stronger, so who knows.

I don't have concrete goals for that but I would really just. Like to be not-disabled, mostly. Every person has limits, every person is going to have to sit down sometimes, every person is going to have to think hard and make choices about what they do with their bodies-- it's just part of getting into your mid-forties, really-- so I can't just set my goal as being able to do whatever whenever. But I would like to be able to walk for longer distances, I would like to be able to wait in a line without paying for it for days, I would like to just generally be in better shape. So I guess I'll try to work toward that.

idk. and sometime in july my doctor wants me to re-test my fasting blood glucose because the only thing she cares about of my health is that i'm fat and she thinks putting me on metformin will make me not-fat. you'd think she'd have had some interest in diagnosing the pain that was making me unable to exercise but that was not on her radar i guess.

anyway. that's what i'm going to do to get me to june. it's all farm time for the rest of the month and i'm going to do physical therapy and take meth. we'll see how that goes.

[authorautumnbanks]

One Night (20)

Gojo Satoru is not pouting. He is simply watching Nanami's interaction with Kagome with a concerned expression. That's it. Nothing more. He's concerned for his fellow sorcerer, and he is not pissed that they had to come back to the campus because Shoko sucks at her job.

It's fine. No, really, it is. There is nothing more that he would rather do than to come back to campus with his family to help his students and coworker in their time of need. But would it have killed Shoko to turn the temperature up a tad? This examination room is always so damn cold, and the bright lights overhead do not help. He would much rather be at home on the couch, relaxing with his family.

"Satoru," Kagome says with a huff. "If you're going to pout, go to the corner."

"I'm not pouting," he grumbles. "You were supposed to have the day off and Shoko can't even do one measly fix." Satoru bounces Koushi, who stares up at Shippo. "This is work." He's got some missions he pushed back until tomorrow for this, but those are long, ongoing missions, anyway.

"It's really not," Kagome says as she places a hand on Nanami. "This won't take long. I'll just undo it."

Nanami nods and clenches his fists. His legs dangle over the edge of the examination table. "Thank you, Kagome-san. It was interesting doing my missions today with shorter limbs." Nanami glances at Satoru and then looks away. "Ieiri tried her best, but this seems to be more advanced than anyone expected."

"That's one way of putting it," Shoko chimes in. "Sorry, I've never come across anything like it. Not surprised that it's Gojo's kid that did it." She shrugs and then peers over Kagome's shoulder. "So, what are you going to do? Another energy massage?"

Satoru grits his teeth. Yeah, Shoko and Ijichi weren't affected by the energy massage like he was, but that doesn't mean he likes it. Sue him, he doesn't enjoy sharing and he will not apologize for it.

Kagome is his.

He is hers.

And he wants to hoard those massages for himself.

"Energy massage?" Nanami asks.

"No, I'm not doing that." Kagome shakes her head. The area between her palm and Nanami's shoulder glows pink. "Speaking of which, how are you feeling?"

"Oh, I feel so much lighter! Healing the others didn't take nearly as long this time, and I made more progress with my research. Though I was bummed I couldn't help Nanami, Yuta, and Panda."

Satoru rolls his eyes. They could have waited until morning. So, what if that meant Yuta having to sleep outside? He's a freaking sorcerer. Sometimes you get put in shitty situations. "This really wasn't an emergency." It could have waited until morning or tomorrow evening. Yuta is a special grade. He would have survived.

Kagome takes a step back right as Nanami returns to his normal self. The clothes rip at the seams, but Nanami smiles despite the indecency of it. Does he have no shame? Yeah, the outfit Shippo gave him was a bit much, but when Nanami changed said clothes, he couldn't have picked something in a larger size for when he changed back? Or bring a change with him? It should have been common sense to know that baggy pants or even sweats would have been much better than the tight jeans Nanami changed into.

He can see skin! Nanami looks like a pathetic Hulk wannabe with his ripped clothes and biceps out. Does no one think of the children?

"So, Yuta and Panda are outside?"

"... Yes. How did you fix him so fast?" Shoko thrusts a hand out and grabs Nanami's chin. She drops her hand and stares at Kagome in wonderment.

Kagome motions with her hands. "You just do this." She rotates her wrist and makes a circle with her finger. "And then you're done. You don't need a lot of energy. Just touch and dispel. Easy peasy."

Shoko blinks. "That's... okay."

"A beautiful explanation," Satoru says. "Easy peasy. Why couldn't you do it?"

"Kagome, how much do you care for him? Because I could choke him right now and you'd probably get the insurance money."

"The only one that can choke me is Kagome." He scoffs. Shoko must be getting senile with age because she keeps making references to choking him when she knows she can't reach his neck since she's short and she can't get through infinity.

"Yeah, you want me to choke you?" Kagome laughs.

Satoru pauses. "I wasn't... we should take care of Yuta and Panda so we can get the boys to bed." Damn now he's thinking it, and he wasn't thinking it, but now it's in his mind and he can't stop the visuals from flashing through his thoughts.

"Papa, you're a perv," Shippo whispers.

"I'll get you whatever you want tomorrow if you go to bed early."

"Whatever I want?"

"Satoru." Kagome crosses her arms.

"I'm innocent." Damn, her tits look nice. How long has it been since he last saw them? Years? Months? Far too long.

"This is disturbing," Shoko says. She shudders and rubs her hands up and down her arms. "Who are you?"

"Satoru is always like this," Kagome points out.

"Yeah, I'm thinking he's like that with his family, then. Not used to seeing this side of him." Shoko rubs her forehead. "I see why he kept you and the boys hidden for so long. Though I'm a little annoyed because you're so amazing. Anytime you want to pop in and get a break from him, you are more than welcome. I would love the company."

Kagome smiles, but Satoru sees right through it. Shoko has thrown little jabs here and there since lunch. Kagome just isn't used to that dynamic. It's kind of cute how protective she gets.

"Alright, I'm a complex person," he sighs. "I'm serious about the kids getting ready for bed." Satoru shifts Koushi to one arm and places his other hand on Kagome's back. "Let's go before Shoko tries to keep you here." He doesn't look back as he leads Kagome out of Shoko's exam room and to the field where Panda lies next to Yuta. "WOW, you two really couldn't figure it out?"

Yuta perks up. "Kagome-san! Are you able to fix this?"

"Yep!" Kagome fixes Yuta and Panda as quickly as she helped Nanami. Koushi turns his head and watches as Panda changes back to his normal self, and Yuta is finally free from the boulder. "Now, you two have got to be careful with Shippo. He's a bit of a trickster."

Yuta hunches his shoulders and rubs the back of his head. "He's definitely Gojo-sensei's kid. We don't mind if it helps him to develop his skills. Can't say I know any sorcerers as strong as him at this age."

Kagome chuckles. "You're a good sport about it."

Yuta blushes and Satoru counts to ten.

"The children are tired," Satoru says. "So tired they might get cranky." And if he doesn't get to cuddle up to Kagome soon, he'll get cranky.

Kagome gives him a look. "Do you need me to put you to bed?"

"Yes."

Shippo sighs. "I want to go to an a-mu-se-me-nt park."

"I'll look up tickets when we get home." Kagome tucks her hair back. "We can do something in the evening so Daddy can come too."

Satoru looks up at the sky. She's doing this on purpose. Has to be. Offers to choke him, put it on him until he passes out, and now she's calling him daddy. Kagome is teasing him. Has to be.

"That sounds like fun," Yuta says.

"Did you want to come?" Kagome asks. Satoru squints at Yuta, though his student can't tell because of the blindfold.

Yuta holds his hands up. "I wouldn't want to impose."

"Have you been to one?"

"Uh...no." Yuta frowns. Panda pats his shoulder. "My parents were afraid of me because of Rika. She's uh, a shikigami now, but before she was a curse that was attached to me. I didn't go anywhere but home and school."

Oh no.

"Satoru—"

"Just invite everyone, then. You good with that Shippo?" Of course, Kagome wants to bring everyone along now. Not that he really minds since the students don't get that many chances to be kids, but more people mean less time he can... wait. Could he trust the students to babysit?

Ehhh, on second thought, nah.

"More people to play tricks on... I mean, more people to play with. I LOVE Papa's students. They are so much fun, and I learn so much about jujutsu with them."

"I can't go though," Panda says. "I'm a panda."

"You cannot be serious," Shippo exclaims. "Do you know who I am?"

"Uh, Shippo?"

"Gojo. Gojo Shippo. There is nothing I cannot do. Your form is nothing more than child's play to the great Shippo." Shippo crackles, which sets off a round of giggles from Koushi. Satoru bites back a smirk.

"Wait. What about our missions?" Yuta's shoulders drop. "We can't all go."

"I'll handle it," Satoru says. "Man, ya'll are getting spoiled these days." He holds out a hand for Kagome. "Just don't be late or I will leave ya'll behind."

"And I'll come up with the perfect look," Shippo chirps. Panda takes a step back. "Oh, come on, don't cha trust me?"

"NO!"

"Rude."

Kagome shakes her head. "Shippo will be on his best behavior tomorrow. It'll be fun." She takes his hand and smiles at Koushi. "You are looking pretty sleepy. Guess you've had a big day," she coos. Satoru leads them back to the car. The drive home is animated with Shippo in the backseat, entertaining Koushi so he doesn't fall asleep before they get home. Satoru struggles with keeping his hands on the wheel when he really wants to reach over and touch Kagome.

Somehow, he survives. Barely. Shippo drops his illusion once the front door is shut. He rushes to the kitchen, probably in search of snacks, though they ate before heading over to the school. Kagome wasn't kidding when she said Shippo needed more nutrients than them.

"I can't believe he's still hungry," Kagome comments as she settles down on the couch and nurses Koushi.

"Good thing we'll have two kitchens and a half. I sign the paperwork early on Thursday, so we could get movers as soon as the paperwork is done." He sits next to her and throws an arm over the back of the couch.

"Probably move on Friday, then. I'll want to clean the house before we bring in furniture."

"You?"

"Well, who else?"

"A cleaning company. Plus, we still gotta get stuff for the house as well as pack up what we have here... I'll ask Mei Mei. She's got some moving company she always uses that's pretty fast."

Shippo walks out with an arm full of snacks and juice. He plops down on the floor in front of the TV. "One game?" His tail swishes behind him.

Kagome wrinkles her nose. "One game and then you're going to bed. Tomorrow we'll go look around for bedroom stuff, so you'll be with me."

"And the a-mu-se-me-nt park," Shippo says. "I want to ride all the rides like in the movies." He stands and turns on the TV and then his console.

Kagome blows out a breath. "Oh, I forgot. I booked another massage for me and Ayumi in two weeks." She bites her lip. "Sorry, I got caught up."

Satoru yawns as he pulls the blindfold off. "What are you apologizing for? You don't have to consult with me." He pokes her cheek with his finger and then squeezes her cheek. "You didn't look at the account balance, huh?"

Kagome pouts. "I'll do it tomorrow so I can come up with a budget. Shippo would try to buy everything."

"Papa said I could have whatever I wanted," Shippo says.

"About that. How long are you going to play this game?" He places his arm around Kagome's shoulder. His fingers brush across the top of her breast.

Smack!

Satoru pauses. Kagome laughs. And Koushi glares at him.

"Koushi, you serious right now?" Satoru moves his arm and then places his hand on Kagome's breast. Koushi looks at his hand and then kicks at him. "WOW, I can't touch Mommy now?"

"He said hands off his food," Shippo says, not even bothering to look back.

"How do you know what he said?" Satoru huffs and moves his hand.

"I'm his brother. You shouldn't try to take his food."

Satoru stares at the back of Shippo's head and then drags his hand down his face. "I wasn't trying to take his food," he mumbles.

Thursday cannot come soon enough.

***

A/N: I got a new HVAC! Sorry in advance if updates are not as frequent. Last week was a LONG week with the heat and the kid starting kindergarten. Plus, I now have my niece six days out of the week for who knows how long.

"When are the elders meeting Shippo and Koushi?" - Satoru doesn't plan to have them meet the kids until the party. Koushi's 100-day celebration will be combined with welcoming Shippo.

"Are you in the facebook book groups?" - Nope, I actually hang out in the author groups for my contemporary stuff. But I'm glad that the fics hit some of the major checklists.

Take care! Stay cool and get plenty of rest. I will do my best to update at least once a week. Have a great week!

[sonicsbfwannbe]

Wait that was KENTA??

Summary: Kenta makes progress in feeling comfortable around x-hunter. Very heavy on Alan being a supportive and perfect. (Its rush pls don't judge to harsh I beg)

3rd pov

After everything that had happened X-Hunter and friends more or less taken Kenta in. While he had contributed to the terrible things Tony was doing it was pretty clear that he never actually wanted to and at the end of the day he was a good person forced to do bad things.

Kenta was appreciative of the fact that they were so keen to have him around but that didn't mean he didn't struggle to be comfortable. He couldn't bring himself to do or ask for anything if it could potentially even slightly inconvenience someone.

He didn't doubt that they were happy to do things for him or even just be there for him but he had never been allowed to want and asking Tony for something usually had its consequences. He felt as if he still wasn't allowed to ask for anything not that he would even know how.

He also didn't feel right joining in on the way they all teased each other. The playful jabs that would be met with a light hearted sarcastic comment. What if they took him as actually being mean? What if he just wasn't allowed? He just couldn't risk losing what he had with them.

Fortunately he had a new family that was very stubborn.

Kenta pov

"North and Sonic are gonna go to the store tomorrow to stock up the pantry at the garage is there anything you want them to grab for you?" Alan asked me. I've been working there doing paperwork since everything calmed down and I really enjoy how kind everyone is here.

"No it's okay I don't need anything," I tell him. This is true while I do have snacks and drinks I like I don't actually need any of them. I know that's not the answer he wants but that's all I can bring myself to give for now.

"Kenta that's not what I asked and I know that it's hard for you to ask for things and I also know that one conversation is not going to fix that but I promise you that we all want to be there for you. We want you to join in on the jokes. If we didn't we would not have welcomed you here so for the love of god please just tell me what to add to the list for you," Alan lectured. I noticed he was like that, always making sure everyone knew they were cared for. He was genuinely the kindest person I've ever met. Not that it was much of a competition.

"Uhm... I really don't know, maybe just some sports drinks," I was so caught off guard by how blunt he was being. Even though I did believe him I still couldn't breathe as I scrambled for something to request.

"Okay good, you can text me or one of them if you want a particular brand or flavor or if you think of anything else."

I nod before he turns to walk out the door probably to keep asking around.

"And Kenta, I'm proud of you for asking I'm sure that took a lot but that is what we are all here for. We are family here and we really hope that you will see us as such when you are ready," Alan said and slips out of the room with a smile.

Oh-

*1 year later*

Alan pov

It's been a slow day at the garage which to most people would mean calm. People idly doing their work at a comfortable pace in no rush to get a million things done. Not at X-Hunter though, not for me.

Slow day means that means that everyone is running around and being loud. Not for work but just enjoying themselves as they work. I absolutely love these days just my boys without weight on their shoulders just free to have wreckless fun.

Unfortunately today I got to be the central target for any teasing and wrestling. I would absolutely never tell any of them but I kind of enjoy it, they would never let it go.

I had spaced out watching them chase each other around when I suddenly have someone lunge on my back to start wrestling. Of course it was North ever the problem child.

"Why must you do this to me while I was minding my own business," I ask him more of a rhetorical tease than an actual question.

"Because it's fun duh," North retorts as he tries to put me in a headlock.

"Careful old people's bodies are sensitive you don't want him to throw his back out do you," a voice behind me speaks casually.

"Hey I'm not that o-" I start as I turn around. Wait was that Kenta?? He didn't even look up and just continued filling out paperwork but he had a noticeable smile on his face.

The entire garage was quiet from shock. Everyone had turned around to check that they heard it right too. If it wasn't for the smiles across everyone's face they might be mistaken for being upset.

"HOLY SHIT KENTA IM SO PROUD!!"  North shouts as he runs to hug Kenta. Me too.

[sadruru]

For Melissa!

🍉: Does your OC have a particular piece of jewellery that they always wear or refuse to part with?

🌽: How does this OC feel about acts of affection? What's their favourite act of affection, physical or emotional?

🍻: What's your OC's favourite comfort ritual? How do they calm themselves down after a rough day?

Awww thanks for the questions ♥ I'd better tell everyone about Melissa!

🍉: Does your OC have a particular piece of jewellery that they always wear or refuse to part with?

"One amulet. One owner. Two different sides. Two paths." She has a wooden amulet, already clearly worn by time. She always keeps it close by, in a pocket on her belt. On one side was carved the symbol of Cayden Cailean, clearly made by a skillful hand. Her father had made and given it to her as a child, it was her first piece of jewelry. At the time, her family owned a tavern called the Dancing Lights. Therefore, she has a special affection for such places. When she was little, she often prayed to Cayden Cailean for silly things like the most normal child, trying to believe that tomorrow would be better than today and not get discouraged. But prayers didn't keep her from the future.

On the other side was a rather crudely made symbol of Calistria. Melissa had carved it herself when she was a teenager, under the influence of strong emotions. There was still some dried blood from the cuts on this side. Now she was closer to the goddess aspects like lust and revenge. But whether her revenge will bring her peace of mind remains to be seen…

On one hand, anyone might think: "Why didn't she throw it away or destroy it? It reminds her of the past!" Knowing her character, she could have done so, but she didn't. After all, this simple amulet was the only valuable thing in her life that had always been with her and belonged only to her. Perhaps she still remembered and loved her parents, and it was a piece of her then good childhood. Later, she would definitely ask Trever to teach her how to carve something out of wood (but to no avail, she has no talent for it, just like she has no talent for singing, and I emphasize this for a reason your ears will hurt). Melissa claims she doesn't care about the gods and doesn't believe in anything, but it's not uncommon to hear her talk about them or utter phrases that one would only hear from a believer. I've already made an illustration of this in advance, ehehe:

🌽: How does this OC feel about acts of affection? What's their favourite act of affection, physical or emotional?

Sounds like a pretty interesting question… Gosh, I hope I got the point of the question right. At the beginning of the game, Melissa was afraid to feel affection for someone. It's hard and painful. For so many years of her life, she has firmly believed that love and affection are temporary. It is very easy to take advantage of another person's trust in this way. And even if you have friends or family, they will be gone and she will be alone. Again. But even a wild cat can be tamed with love and attention, right? As the story progresses, some companions show their good attitudes towards her and it works, her opinion on the matter changes for the better. So... Melissa loves acts of physical affection. She doesn't mind at all if you just give her a hug or a pat on the head, although she will grumble a bit. You don't need much more than that. She rarely received such simple signs of affection from anyone, except for two close friends from her past… But one of them is dead, and the other betrayed her at a crucial moment. As for acts of emotional affection… Melissa still has a problem fully opening up to even her closest people and honestly telling them what's wrong with her. She easily dodges uncomfortable questions (especially about her past or well-being) with jokes and diverts your attention. But now she is trying to correct this bad habit, because it can bring even more problems and misunderstandings.

BONUS: A sketch that will probably become a full art in time. I liked it too much. They're so cute. Here are all the ones Melissa has made really good friends with. That doesn't mean she has a bad attitude towards the others, each companion needs a separate explanation. Poor Sosiel… Patience and strength to you.

🍻: What's your OC's favourite comfort ritual? How do they calm themselves down after a rough day?

The dragon, the lost squad, the ever attacking demons, the x200 reports from Regill that she still has to sign ХD… She has some very "fun" days. She's a hedonist. That ACTUALLY says it all, how she likes to relax after a hard day. And in general, after paperwork or after returning to Drezen, she likes to go to a tavern and have a good drink. Preferably with someone. Better yet, get drunk with EVERYONE she can. She's usually joined by Seelah, Lann, Woljif, Daeran, and of course Arushalae (she's always the most sober). Of the slightly unusual rituals… She may, when she feels the need, sit somewhere alone or with Fluffy. Fortunately, of course, she'll find someone who will forever brighten her loneliness (I really don't want to make her life any more bleak).

To be honest, she doesn't like to be alone for long. That's when bad and sad thoughts start coming into Melissa's head. She prefers to distract herself from them any way she can. But in the future this will play a cruel joke on her.

I feel a kind of sadness and loneliness from this picture...

[mieczyhale]

OKAY

PLANS / TO-DO LIST

1. Hang up more laundry, set aside the stuff Josh needs to fold

2. Work on sorting the new jewelry section now that I have acquired more push pins

3. Send my timesheet to Carol & Karen bc the one on the church computer has not been updated and I would like to get paid

4. Check the discords did this earlier but this is gonna be an ongoing thing so.. putting it here was kinda silly huh??

5. Continue my links & articles journey (i know!! i'm way tf behind!!! i've barely been at an actual computer in days so it's been impossible :/ ) Started making progress but Josh is snoring and I forgot to grab my fucking headphones, which means I can't take in shit. Will continue this tomorrow (actually today now, it's 12:10 AM) when I don't have an inconsistent lawnmower next to me. I love him but jesus fucking christ Made more progress, hoping to make even more tonight (as long as josh doesn't snore again)

6. Throw down the mountain of dirty laundry

7. Clean up any trash

8. Re-glue the shorter perch of the cat tower so it STOPS FUCKING WIGGLING

9. Finally post that stupid / silly stucky "comic" I did based on a tumblr post bc its been done for weeks at this point, I just keep forgetting

10. Nair the legs bc while shaving isn't necessary (I rarely care and Josh doesn't give a fuck) I feel like having some smooth goddamn legs I can rub together comfy cricket style, but actual shaving comes with The Horrors. so.

hmm... i think that might be it. but like quite possibly not so.. might update later with more Tasks

[manonamora-if]

May Check-In

This is a bit late, because I've been debugging the past two days.

So I bought Tropico 6 during the last Steam sale. If you haven't seen me posting for a while, blame by wish to be a benevolent dictator of a fake Caribbean island.

Onto the usual index:

Recap of last month’s progress

IF Events in the Next Month (I won't do this anymore)

Plan for the next month

Still long post under the break. If you want a mini version, head on over to itch.io as usual!

April Progress

From last month, what did we do:

Play more games: ✅

I started so good, finishing reviewing the SeedComp! entries, as well as the Revival Jam and had started on the Spring Thing... then I got distracted by the TALJ and Tropico... I also need to update @manonamora-if-reviews at some point... It's at least 100 reviews behind.

Finish the Code of Ch5✅ of Harcourt and edit the Ending Chapter ✅

YES! IT IS DONE! I have finally fixed those godamn doors in the maze that were giving me so much trouble. Also MelS has gotten my edits on all the Chapters/files (and was given extra comments because I also fixed some code in previous chapters). He is hard at work dying editing the missing text.

The only thing left for me is to: - add the maze visuals (map, book/letter formatting) - settle on a design for the final maze puzzle (need to so some research) - include the missing chapter/text (waiting for MelS)

Finish fixing The Roads Not Taken. Or An Eggcellent Preparation. Maybe the other parser too (it just needs a smidge of polish).

LOL... This is the shameful failure that is following me around, ringing that darn bell.

Should i give up on it? Maybe one day...

Complete the TALJ entry. ✅

I have been battling this one the whole morning trying to fix so many bugs. But I'm pretty happy about it. For one: it was actually tested by someone (not like last year). For two: it's actually an easy parser (like you can't lose!).

And the idea had been ringing in my head for so long, I had the prompt submitted to last SeedComp!.

But yeah, this had been happening for a while already. And even though it doesn't have the level of polish I had hopped (future me problem with updates), it is probably one of the better one I've made.

Anyway, play Lysidice and the Minotaur (I'll have an official post tomorrow). (and you can vote for it if you want...)

What else happened this month????

Well, the SeedComp! ended, so I had to deal with all the admin, and making the cool stickers for the different entries. That took quite a bit of time... but worth it! Some really cool entries this year, yet again!

Well, this is more of it's been done last month but released this month: Les lettres du Docteur Jeangille has been translated into English, for the Spring Thing (in the Main Garden, if you feel like voting for games). You can find the post there!

I've been also drafting some post-mortems, one for Jeangille and one for Lysidice. They should come out during the month, at some point.

:/ I have to update my website again now...

I wanted to do an entry in the Dialogue Jam, but my idea didn't pan out on time (too buggy for release). Or eer... cough cough... I had enough will power not to do it? Anyway, also I made the Really Bad IF Jam, which starts today!

What’s happening in May?

As mentioned at the start, I'm dropping this section from my check-in. First, it's buried deep in a wall of text, so no visibility (it should have been a separate post, oh well). If people actually check the events out, I'm sure it would be a miracle.

But mainly... a zine has popped up recently, specifically about IF called What's New in IF? (@if-whats-new), releasing weekly. Since it includes events, like the jams/comps/conferences I used to mention here (and it looks more sleek than a Tumblr post), I'll just leave them do all that hard work instead 😅

So yea... as long as the zine is happening, I'm out 😅 Well, I'll drop them links to my jams and stuff I see, because they seem to be looking for help in finding stuff.

The PLANtm for May

I'm playing Tropico, so I'm getting and will probably going to get less stuff done. Which is not a bad think. Breaks are important. Will I go on a break this month?

Probably should...

But if I don't, where's what I hope to do:

Play more games: On my juicy list I have: the Spring Thing, the newly released Dialogue Jam and TALJ, the Locus Jam and Really BAD IF is happening this month too (so more gameses!), and a few non-comp releases I've had my eye on.

Code Chapter 6/Endings: I need to wait for MelS for this, since he's editing my comments. I'll prob look for visuals for the puzzle in the meantime.

Fixing an older games. Instead of new, do something old.

Write the next Chapter/Scene of a WIP, because it would be good to actually do that. And make some actual progress at seeing stuff being done. (I want to write some Razac snippets....)

Let's have a boring month!

~

The 2024 To-Do List:

LOL, I've only done the website! :D

The hopefully maybe easy to handle To-Do:

fix the bugs in EDOC + overall the French version to match (waiting for Adventuron to get the French language)

fix the bugs of TRNT + find a way to add the missing pieces (giving up on the translation)

fixing the interface of LPM and the popups + check animal interactions

figure out the One-Button JavaScrip/jQuery issue...

edit the loading screens of the completed tiny games to include the program/format logo at least.

The 'Need a Bunch of Content to update but it's planned!' To-Do:

Update my website (bunch new title - also I don't think the logo clicky thing work...) + redo my itch page

Finish TTATEH (MelS dependent)

Finish Exquisite Cadaver (half-way mark by this summer - manif)

Finish P-Rix - Space Trucker (main path at least)

Update CRWL (it's been almost two years... I'm ashamed)

The Unlikely But it Would be Dope To-Do

Finish The Dinner as it was planned (and translate)

Finish In the Blink of an Eye as it was planned (and retranslate)

Finish The Rye in the Dark City

Fixing TTTT (at least fixing, maybe try adding some storylets)

And finally The 'It's impossible, but one can wish' TO-DO:

Remaster SPS IH (if I managed to start this after completing the rest... I'm going to eat a whole sheet cake).

Start the IFComp project (2025? Might end up being a ST?)

[justajsworkshop]

Hey, I hope you’re doing well. Do you ever feel like time’s just slipping away and it makes you anxious, like maybe you’re not doing enough or that life is moving too fast? If you’ve ever felt that, how do you deal with it? Have you found a way to calm that fear that what you’re doing might not really be making a difference?

Today, I spent more time meditating and stayed off social media, which was great at first. But by the end of the day, I got hit with this wave of anxiety out of nowhere. It was kind of scary and made me feel like all the progress I made was pointless, like I was back to square one. I eventually calmed down, but I still hate when that feeling creeps in. How do you handle it when that happens?

Anyway, I hope your journey is going well love<3 and that you’re finding peace even in those tough moments.

hiii, omg. you sound so much like me when i'm reaching out to people for support, so i'm just giving you a big nose boop and a cookie. i've got two branches of thoughts on this as (1) a person who gets anxiety and (b) someone who can add a bit of context with all the loa/consciousness stuff.

(this got egregiously long. i'm so sorry. you don't have to read the whole thing. sorry in advance for typos. )

so, lemme start with the first, and i'll say yes. i have totally felt that way before, and tbh, i think you'd have a hard time finding a person in modern society who hasn't felt that way at one time or another. sometimes it helps me to remind myself that i'm not the first person to ever feel this way before, and it kinda takes away some of the exceptionalism goggles we can get around ourselves (in the negative way, e.g., thinking we're so uniquely horrible, incompetent, unloved, etc. when we're just having a human moment.).

feelings are just sensations in the body, and thoughts are just thoughts. i'm someone with a history of anxiety/depression to the point where i've been hospitalized, and i'm not saying for sympathy; i'm way better now! dw. it's just so you know i'm not just talking about anxiety flippantly.

i've found that it's helpful for me to know when my anxiety flares up, and a lot of times, it's in the afternoon/evening when i'm done with work and the stimulation of the day kinda simmers down. i think it's also a neurodivergence thing. it helps me to know these patterns, so i can give myself grace and remember my brain is just a bit different and has different needs than most people. just because it says something is true, doesn't mean it is true. more often than not, anxiety is a straight up liar.

yes, i know i could manifest better mental health for myself, and i do affirm when i need to, but overall it's not bothersome enough to me that it's where i'm focusing on. for anyone who's reading this and wondering why i haven't done that yet.

when i can, i try to give myself a little distance between the narrative my anxiety is trying to write and how i experience it. so, trying to watch it all move through me instead of experiencing it as me, although i recognize that at some times, your eyes are glued to the mental tv so close, it's hard to distinguish between the two. and when i feel too close to it all, i'll either (a) do something to distract myself like watch a comfort movie/show, go for a walk, talk to my fandom friends about stupid shit, etc. or (b) let myself have a good cry about it all and wallow. i give myself permission to just be a sad sack for a day, and remind myself that tomorrow will be better. if i can, i find some self-satirizing in it. just trying to be as comically dramatic as possible about "woe is me!" and this helps me to bring some lightness and humor to it all, remembering that horror and comedy writing are only different because of the punchlines. i just tend to try to live life with a "laugh maniacally in the face of absurdity" mindset, and what isn't more absurd than your perceived limitations, y'know?

that's the love on your linear, human self side of things. and if that's what you gotta do, do it. we can't go off limiting god by saying that giving compassion, grace, and love to your human self means you're losing anything. you can also set the intention that you'll have a breakthrough on the other side of this, and i often do because i let go of all this tension and bullshit i've been carrying that i just don't need/identify with anymore.

ok, for part two that brings a bit more of loa and consciousness into context:

once again, yes. i've felt all of this around manifestation/shifting specifically, and the things that help me are remembering that this isn't about doing and that time isn't linear.

the quote from the magician's way that tom mentions a lot is "there's nothing to do but always action to take"—differentiating between 'doing' from an assumption that your success is dependent on specific action(s) vs. taking action because you're already assuming fulfillment. the affirmation that's really helped me with this one in particular is "what if there was nothing else to do? what if it was all already perfect?" whenever i ask that to myself, i instantly feel a massive wave of calm and release, and i just soak in that feeling. and after a couple of days of coming back to that place, i let go of so much of the instance that any "doing" was required of me to have/be everything i want.

if that one doesn't do it for you, play with the wording a bit and see if there's one that does. or set the intention that the perfect language will fall in your lap.

as for the other prong of your ask regarding time and progress, this is when i remind myself that time is not linear, and all moments exists at once simultaneously. so, i'm already in my desired end and experiencing it because i am in all realities everywhere all at once. ultimate reality consists of one moment, so you can't really make any progress when everything exists all at once; therefore, you can't lose any progress either.

i used to be obsessed with the idea of "how long" i'd been persisting because i saw persisting as a means to an end: that if i do this "long enough," i will get my desired result. but when i started understanding that persistence is the end, i was less attached to the amount of time/how consistent i had been, and i focused more on "who am i choosing to be right now?"

i also like to remind myself that time as we experience it from a linear, horizontal perspective is something we create. people go back in time. people revise their age. you could shift to a reality that doesn't even experience linear time in the way you do now. so, yeah, it might appear that time is slipping by, but appearances can be deceiving. and all appearances that you perceive with your physical sense are an act of deception claiming "this is all that is" when it's not. you are.

i also think that people confuse persistence with perfection—this notion that you have to be perfectly consist and that no wavering/contradicting can happen, etc. but at the end of the day, if you continue to come back to your desired end even after a day or a week or years of being your undesired self, you're still persisting. because you're still coming back home, and that's what the parable of the prodigal son taught us: god is always going to accept you with open arms instantly no matter now long you've spend squandering your inheritance of your I AM awareness on nonfulfillment.

you can't lose anything because that would imply nonexistence, that whatever you perceive you lost "went somewhere" and cannot be experienced, but all possibilities exists now and forevermore in the eternal now, so you literally cannot lose anything. you can create the experience and perception of loss, but that's just getting too close to the movie saying it's the only one that exists when we exist in a greater reality with unlimited scripts and possibilities.

so, to summarize, take care of your human and remember your being. that's really the very short and much more straightforward answer haha. i hope this helped, and if there's anything else i can offer, you're free to ask. :)

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 11.28.2023

I am almost done Chapter 5. I have two scenes left on the outline, but I'm pretty sure I can combine them, and that it would be better that way. I've been working on that last scene for a couple of days, and I was hoping I could finish it up and report that I was done chapter 5. I had been sort of struggling with it, in the way where you're writing and you're like "this isn't right, this isn't right," and at some point today, I was like, "maybe this is not going in the right direction and I need to start over." I decided to think about it while I did a chore, and I started thinking about what I had to do in Chapter 6, and realized it might all be part of the same problem. So, anyway, I'm calling this week and making that next week's problem.

Not counting that last scene, since it might get tossed, Part B is at 7221 (44,089 altogether). That's a weekly progress of 3772 + the 1260 words that might get axed, but for the purposes of Was I a Hard Worker This Week? it counts, so: 5032. Pretty good! Oh, wait, I just remembered, I wrote half of another out-of-order scene, because I thought of it and didn't want it to get away, so +395 = 5,427!

As I noted last week, I already have a significant part of Chapter 6 written (like 6500 words worth) but, like.... to what end? It's just kind of hanging out there in the narrative, and I guess I'm at the point where I need to figure out what happens next, probably thru the end of the fanfic. I think that once I figure this out it will either be a clear path from now to the end and probably be like 8 or 9 chapters + an epilogue OR it will spiral wildly out of control, some other fucking subplot will sneak in, and it will go 12+ chapters and I will cry a lot. (Writing tip: Do not start new subplots more than about 33% of the way through a story! It will mess up the flow of your narrative and make the story feel unbalanced. If you think of something and it's so good you can't resist, you gotta go back to the beginning and start weaving hints of it in early. This is precisely how a fanfic ends up at over 100k)

I did not draw anything this week, but I am hoping to do a tutorial tomorrow and I am definitely planning to do a fanart in the next few weeks.

[kulekrizpy]

finally seeing progress in my depression after more than a decade has me a little dazed. i have been depressed for half my life or longer

but it also has me feeling so good about how relieved i am and how much energy i'm beginning to have that i'm getting ... excited about things again? like i can imagine my future because i can believe i will continue to have energy

this has been a series of realizing i have ADHD, going into therapy because i could tell something was very wrong, beginning to poke out my boundaries and learning to honor them, truly accepting that i don't know my brain as well as i thought i did and forgiving myself for that, getting medication, and finally getting exercise and sun consistently.

it has been less than a month since i started walking and i'm seeing a huge uptick in energy. i'm getting stronger and i WANT to feel stronger. because i want to be more active and not hurt myself doing it

the walks get a little longer, i get so much peace from being in nature. there's comfort and perspective in there that has me accepting my mortality in a way that was terrifying to me before. and it relaxes my anxiety so much

i couldn't even think as clearly as i am now. i was expending so much energy worrying! about a social fuckup, about losing my friends, despair about the world's state, money... i recognized and let go of people who didn't respect me. and now i don't have to worry about that. i have better things to do. i can say "no" without deliberating on it now. i can finally trust myself. i spent a long time sorting thru my feelings and how they aligned with reality, and now i know how to take a step back and assess. and all the extra energy goes to the things i actually have to do!

i don't care as much what others think now. perhaps it was from relying too much on others to fulfill my happiness. now that i've figured out ways to create my own happiness i have so much hope. i can enjoy being by myself because i'm learning how to appreciate doing all the small things. and i'm giving myself permission to be flexible. it was too overwhelming before to think beyond the plan i was fixating on

i know why it took me so long to get here. i had plenty of reasons to be fucked up, things that happened to me that i had no control over plus my brain chemistry and my inability to handle school. i had control issues that i worked hard not to put on other people and they got internalized as rigidity and self blame

at the point i was at, it even scared me to be wrong. but being wrong is okay. because you can't grow if you don't learn lessons thru your life. being wrong means you've learned something. does the shame of being wrong really supersede not having to deal with the problem in the future?

i also realized i need to work around my ADHD. give myself permission to do things differently so i could get started instead of being overwhelmed by the whole task

i just couldn't keep going the way i had been. it was untenable.

now i can find the root problems. for example:

i need to apply to jobs but i've been putting it off. why?

if i look in my email i'll see all the other things i have to deal with. anxiety-inducing

i'm not sure i have the energy to sort the emails AND look at jobs

solutions:

i have to look at some point. it probably won't be as bad as i'm worrying it will

if the whole task is too much energy i can break it up. better to get something done in two days than never. once i start i may want to finish too!

so, to address both of those things, today i'm gonna to make a folder and filter for the job emails so they are all in one place. tomorrow i'll be able to open the folder without looking at any other emails and just get started :)

now that i have a way to handle my basic tasks and the knowledge that i even CAN feel good and have the energy i need (something i think i had given up on long ago), i can see a future. i can see my way there. i don't have to be blinded and completely sapped by a single big task. i don't have to give other people a majority of my energy. i just needed to focus on me and take care of my body to give me the energy to Live. it's truly baffling to me. i wonder how much the medication is helping me... either way, i am an animal! i am connected to the earth!

now i know how to give my children the tools to get around this. and the level of responsibility i want to give them to feel in control of their own lives and actions. the flexibility to work around problems instead of trying to drill thru them. and i have the energy to want them. i can work my way there. i'm excited for it someday

but for now, i just have to keep doing the little things. keep rerouting my thinking and going outside

[small-town--r]

I let go of the past releasing bitterness that damn near consumed me.

Swallowing me whole.

Tossed around in the sea of why me.

Reliving the past in my mind everyday

became so heavy with sadness.

I've never learned how to let go easily.

My mind slowed down some yesterday allowing me to enjoy the now.

I've read others stories about letting the past go.

Perhaps I never thought of it that way.

I'm going to give it a try.

No more talking to myself, no more crying, no more pondering on things that have come and gone.

No more worrying about things I cannot control or how people's attitudes are, nor how they choose to live their life.

I've always been a people pleaser and thats exhausting in itself.

Only to find out people find fault no matter what.

I've never fretted over my own happiness.

As this will be new to me as well.

I came to the realization that we all have only one life to live.

I need to live mine for today, myself, and my son.

God please help me do so.

Done with holding on to the cruel past that's has haunted me for so long.

I swear it like to drove me crazy.

Just three simple words of let it go saved me.

Feeling hopeful about today, tomorrow, and every day here on out.

Life can blissful, full of love maybe even a peaceful calm in my mind.

I've realized the things I sit and ponder on

determine my outlook on the rest of my life.

Trying to tame my mind a bit, I hate how it races and never seems to slow.

I guess one could say a work in progress.

I don't know the approach I'll take, maybe I'll read about how to recover from abuse.

No one has never talked about it or told me.

That's another thing I'm trying to learn to navigate, no shoulder to learn on.

No one to talk about the day with or how pretty the sky is.

I've heard recovering addicts say take one day at a time, some say minute by minute.

That will be new to me as I've always worried about tomorrow.

Never really lived for today until today.

Peace and love for you and for me.

R.A.

[yippee-was-taken]

Week 2/4 Puzzle Game Godot Project

Major work done since last week!

Good news I have gameplay footage I can show now!

This is a game about making chains of differently colored beads. They must have enough similarly colored beads before they're ready to chain. Making more connections in a chain leads to a higher score

I feel like I've been slowing down as of late, since the game functions it's been kinda rough finding out what I can do. There's still a lot of stuff to do but most of it is with minor polishing tweaks and that's a lot harder to spot. Still, polish can go a long way. The game doesn't look as intuitive as I hope for it to be, and there's a lot of bugs I need to fix. PROGRESS

-------------------------------------------------

Movement: Finished, just debugging edge cases when they pop up now. [Debugging.]

Making Chunks: Since there are no pointer variables I had to learn about get/set variables from child nodes. I think the end result works pretty well. [Finished.]

Making Chains from Chunks: It's been a while since I finished making code for them it's feels crazy, but I'm not worried about these anymore. [Finished.]

Clearing Chains: I'm working with a freely break system. You'll gather shatters after a certain number of beads fallen deepening on level. Once the meter fill you'll gain a shatter you can use at any point to clear every chain of beads. Might be re balanced later [Finished]

Winning and Losing: I didn't think to hard on the current parameters, I think I'll have to feel them out through play testing. They weren't too hard to implement thankfully and since they're dependent on a resource they'll be easy to edit. They function but I'll have to edit them later for the full release

The Fail condition I haven't tested enough, I'm making it the immediate goal for today and tomorrow. [Making]

Scene Manager: I think it works pretty well, it's not quite smooth yet but I just need to learn how to optimize the game better [Polishing]

UI + Menus: I pretty much have it all functional but none of it looks good. Thankfully I did get someone to help with the visuals! I'll have to spend the last week making sure they get implemented well [Making]

Sound: I have an idea for how I'll manage music, I might just get a couple of songs and have them randomly chosen, depends on what I find. As for SFX, I still need a few more. I'll have to get in a few more LabChirp sessions to make them. [Progressing]

Other: Changed the randomizer to lower the chance of beads with three. I can't think of many use cases for them. Added control remapping and audio adjustments in the options menu, and a How to Play section in the game.

[attentive-dragon]

I'll remember it tomorrow

Thinking about that post I commented on, how a great idea will pop into a writer's head, and they might think "I don't have time to write that down today, but I'll remember it tomorrow." I learned the hard way that this way lies regret: I've lost more great story ideas this way. I've cultivated a habit of writing ideas down as soon as I can when I have them. This often means quickly typing something on my phone's notes app right after getting out of the shower, or recording a voice note in the car. It's a terrible feeling to know you had a really clever way of untying a particular Gordian Knot, or a really fun bit of dialogue, and just can't remember it anymore.

This has had some weird impacts on my writing process. I've already spoken elsewhere about how I finished a book (and was about a third of a way through its sequel) when I realized this wouldn't be book one in my series, but would stand as book four (probably.) So already my writing process is out of order. But: it gets worse than that.

I have my entire series planned out, more or less, all the way through an estimated thirteen books. Some of those books I have detailed outlines for. Some I have a couple paragraph summaries. Some just a sentence or two. But the overall arc of the entire series is something I've known for quite awhile, and some of the major events that will happen along the way are things I've already thought up.

So, sometimes my brain will deliver tidbits of those later stories to me, and I have to write them down immediately. Just the other day, a bit of conversation from what will probably be book 12 or 13 popped into my brain, and I had to write it down. I actually really like this little bit of dialogue, and when I finally (hopefully) get that far in my series, I'll be really excited to finally get to use it.

Because of all of this, the writing "progress" on my series is a bit odd. I keep making little side-trips into later books to add things as they come to me, and it means that later books often have a lot more completed than one might expect, considering I have yet to actually publish my first book in the series:

Book one ("The Yellow Earring") is complete, at 71260 words

Book two ("The Silver Sword") is about halfway done with 44427 words

So far, so good. However:

Book three has 27965 words written

Book four (as mentioned above) is complete with 145943 words (and this one obviously still needs much editing.)

Book five has 34846 words written so far

Book six has 6359 words, because I really needed to get a scene written that WOULD NOT LEAVE MY BRAIN ALONE

Book seven has about a thousand words written

Book eight has 6686 words, again, because the first chapter sat down one day in my brain and refused to leave until I acknowledged it.

And of course, the aforementioned short bit of dialogue that will probably go somewhere in a planned book 12 or 13.

There's a part of me that wants to be frustrated about this: after all, if I've written so many thousands of words in later books, couldn't I have better spent my time writing thousands more words in the book I'm currently working on?

I've learned to silence that frustration and embrace the process. One good example of why this works for me is actually in the book I'm currently working on though. I was still working on book one when a really clever idea came to me for something in book two, and I ended up writing an entire scene. It was months before I had finished book one, and gotten book two to the point where my characters finally arrived at that scene, but once they did, I was able to use that previously written scene skeleton as a framework to carry the story forward. If I hadn't written it down at the time, I may not have remembered what I'd wanted to do there, and there's a good chance what I would have written wouldn't have pleased me so much.

Everything I write will get used, eventually. At least, that's my hope. That scene from Book Two finally getting used seems to support this. I just need to trust that my brain knows what it's doing as it doles out these tidbits of story to me out of order - and I also need to make sure I'm making the time to intentionally write in my current book and not letting myself get carried away with things yet to come.

And maybe more importantly, I need to actually focus on the process of getting Book One published. My brain loves these bits of story, the tales they are all a part of, and the characters living within them. I'd like to think some other folks' brains will as well.