#i feel pretty sure we'd find each other in any timeline

[jagerstian]

Im living in delusion to stay sane (it's not working)

[chireikiden]

What are the things in lore you would say ZUN 100% retconned/later ignored in regards to his own material?

This was a pretty broad question to answer at the drop of a hat, so I let it sit in my inbox for a while and wrote down a couple things that came to mind in the meantime.

As we all know, yadda yadda, Touhou is very good at simply not bringing things up again, and thus you can very rarely argue that some individual thing has been outright retconned based simply on its absence in later works. Add unreliable narrators on top, and that only really leaves the very clear contradictions.

Early Windows stuff: You can surely find more if you crawl more carefully than I felt like doing, but here’s some that I remember. The EoSD prologue tells us that Gensokyo is just a seldom visited region in the mountains with a few random humans living amongst monsters, implicitly no Human Village, and no barrier around it. Reimu is worried that the red mist would basically flow out of Gensokyo and into what we'd now consider "the Outside World", which may or may not be aware of Gensokyo and just ignoring it. It's not hard at all to slot into the current setting by moving around a couple things, but read on its own without anachronistic assumptions it's clearly different. Basically, it's a good example of how the essentials of Gensokyo as a setting really weren't fully formed until at least a couple games later.

As an extension of that, I think a lot of things associated with EoSD - like the preceding Vampire Incident, the spell card rules, or even the SDM being newcomers to Gensokyo - weren’t even a twinkle in ZUN’s eye at the time he made EoSD, and were only retconned into existence starting roughly with PMiSS. (Them being newcomers is arguable based on stuff like Reimu not knowing the mansion was there, but that’s also easily explained by Reimu being Reimu.)

PCB starts fleshing things out a bit more and has fewer outright contradictions, but still for example claims/implies that humans sealed up Gensokyo in order to lock the youkai inside. Not irreconcilable, especially if you assume an unreliable narrator yadda yadda, but I think it’s fair to consider it retconned.

By the time of IN, the main pieces are more or less in place and there’s a lot less stuff that would need to be retconned later on, but you can still find some messiness especially related to the Moon if you want to read it that way.

Reimu’s luck: While it’s come up on rare occasion, typically in the form of her “intuition” but also in LE where she uses it for gambling, I don’t think it’s ever again been anywhere near as extreme as that time in EaLND where she walked over a river by happening to step on random fish. If anything, she usually seems pretty unlucky at everything that isn’t specifically gambling or solving incidents, but that might be its own hair to split.

Just for bonus points: Since it’s been on my mind. The literal meaning of retcon is “retroactive continuity”. I think the manga, games etc. typically work on a Schrödinger’s Timeline that simply doesn’t exist until it is directly referenced somehow, and even then it’s only loosely defined. For example, CDS and Lotus Eaters started around the same time (in real life), which was also when the first Gouyoku Ibun demo came out. Lotus Eaters could be making long time skips for all we know, but the events of CDS have probably spanned only a couple weeks at most.

And now we have Lotus Eaters' latest chapters taking place shortly after the events of Gouyoku. In that case, when Yukari summons Flan into the Underground to act as her ballistic missile in CDS, is she doing it before or after Okina did literally the same thing in Gouyoku? When does CDS take place in relation to Gouyoku, or any given LE chapter? Or does it, and every Touhou story, merely take place “now”, even if it started in 2019 and it’s now 2023?

Since Touhou stories tend to only reference each other when they feel like it and are otherwise perfectly comfortable just not bringing it up in any way, there’s a good chance we’ll never know. Or they could simply say something in the next chapter just because. But usually not.

[gorogues]

If Sam and Evan were to finally interact, how do you think they would react to each other? Would Sam be upset that Evan took his name and identity? Would he be insecure about the fact that Evan is better with his own discoveries and inventions than he is? Would Evan be thrilled to meet his idol, insecure about his place as Sam's successor, or disappointed in his predecessor?

I think Sam would be pissed, honestly. That was his work and his discoveries, and it was taken by some kind of Scottish thug (as Sam would see it)…who then did much cooler things with it, as you say. He'd feel embarrassed insecurity over his own failures, but would probably mask it with righteous anger towards the guy who stole his stuff. We've seen how James felt about Axel taking his gear, and we've seen how the other Rogues feel about legacies (at least initially), and none of it is positive. Sam would also be outraged that this newcomer doesn't even understand his work properly, and yet was eventually welcomed into the group Sam had formed.

Or at least that's what I would have said pre-Flashpoint. Nowadays I'm not sure how Sam would react, because he's quite different than he used to be and IMO he's been mostly underdeveloped since he returned. He seems fairly chill nowadays, so maybe he wouldn't even mind as long as Evan isn't stepping on his toes and is keeping his distance. That could change if Sam gets blamed for stuff Evan's done, though.

But I'm not sure if Evan has ever really idolized Sam. Thinks his work is amazing, yes, but I never got the sense he was in awe of Sam himself, and he got pretty testy when Len brought up the subject of Sam while the Rogues were searching for the "Break In Case Of Flash" mirror. He also wasn't cowed when Black Lantern Sam was hostile towards him, although he may have understood it wasn't really Sam. He'd probably be pretty defensive against any anger directed at him, but if Sam was friendly towards him I think he'd be willing to be allies or friends.

Evan's acted differently depending on what writer is handling him; Morrison's Evan was quite jovial and got along with just about everyone, while Johns' version was more tersely brittle and wasn't truly close to anybody. I think Evan's response to Sam would depend on which version we'd be seeing, and how Sam reacts to him initially. If there is hostility between the two of them, it'd get very ugly very quickly. And if the two Mirror Masters jump into their mirrors to start fighting, the other Rogues may not get a chance to intervene.

But I'd love to see the two of them get along, even if it's just wary acceptance of the other guy's existence. I guess we don't even know for certain whether Evan's backstory is still intact in the current timeline, so maybe they aren't even connected -- I hope Spurrier tells us what his status quo is and where he's been all this time, so we find out whether his history's intact.

[enruiinas]

Interaction PSA: Memes

[With less time to RP lately, I've had to be more selective and realized I often find myself browsing new followers' blogs for the types of PSAs they post/rb. Things like their meme and writing preferences, expectations for reply times, etc. They help me get an idea of if we'll be a good "vibe" or not, so I wanted to add a PSA / Interacting Info section back to my pinned with some (hopefully!) helpful info.]

♥ My memes have no expiration date. I go back through them regularly and if there are ones I no longer feel like doing, If it's in my meme tag, you're welcome to send it no matter how long it's been since I rb'd it.

♥ Memes are always welcome & a great ice breaker. If you're a new mutual and aren't sure how to reach out ic or ooc, memes are always a great option. Chances are, if you send me a meme for the first time and we haven't talked yet, I'll likely crawl into your IMs to say hello and thank you for sending something, so it's kind of two birds with one stone. (I am shy, but less shy when I know someone wants to interact enough to send something.)

♥ Multiple memes are not only welcome, but encouraged. I LOVE having options to choose from. My muse is sporadic and unpredictable. Some days I'm in an angst mode. Some days I just want fluff. Sometimes my brain just doesn't want to give me anything for a particular meme for a long time. I feel really guilty keeping people waiting for a reply if I don't get quick muse for the one & only thing they've sent in, so I promise you're both doing me a favor and making my day if you send me more than one thing.

♥ And no, I'm not exaggerating when I say there is no limit. You're not "spamming me", you're not "bugging me", you're not sending "too much". I light up each time I see "new ask received", so as long as you know they may not all get responded to right away / in order / in a "quick" manner and understand that I may still rb memes or post and/or like meme & starter calls even if my inbox is not empty, seriously - go for it. Feel free to keep sending even if I haven’t finished all of yours yet.

♥ In the case of new interactions, I will likely reach out to bounce ideas/thoughts for answering a meme. I don't mean this to be uncreative or annoying, but sometimes I freeze up when things are too open / have infinite possibilities. I do better with light discussion, outlining, or some plotting. If I reach out like this it's because I'm really excited and just want to bounce thoughts off of you to break that ice and get my brain cells working. I generally feel more comfortable winging it as I get to know a mun, but I enjoy plotting in general so if that’s your thing we can plot as much as you want, always!

♥ On NSFW Memes: This is the only exception to the above rules. Sinday and other spicy memes are reserved for active ships ONLY. I'm a selective shipper, and shipping generally depends on good chemistry between both the muns and our muses. I feel like you'll probably know if we have what I consider an "active ship", but pretty much if we'd had the "would you be interested in shipping" discussion and gushed to some extent about their dynamic (whether it's fully written out in threads yet or not), I consider you an "active ship". I timeline hop and write lots of verses, so our threads do not have to be linear. Like with any other meme, I may hold on to one until I get a good idea for it or feel like it fits or I've asked some questions I need to know first - but if we have agreed to ship and bounced any ideas on how we think our muses' overall dynamic will go, you can send these!

In the event of NSFW memes received outside of active ships, I will either reply in a different, PG/platonic context or - if that's not possible - delete the meme.

Other PSAs: Memes, Plotting, On Verses & Verse-Building, General RP Preferences (Coming Soon), OOC interactions (Coming Soon), Mutuals & Affiliates (Coming Soon), ALL PSAs.

[panlight]

What your headcanons on Garrett? Did he visit Carlisle and the cullens before the events of Breaking Dawn? What sort of shenanigans does he get up to? What led up to his and Carlisle's friendship in the first place?

The Guide is pretty vague, but the short film "Turncoats" from the Storytellers project put Garrett and Carlisle's meeting at the Battle of Yorktown (and maybe Breaking Dawn the movie does, too?) and that's fine with me. I didn't have anything specific in mind but I figured they did meet sometime during the war when Carlisle was working as a battlefield surgeon. Probably something where Garrett's hunting British soldiers and catches the scent of another vampire and there's a big misunderstanding where Garrett thinks Carlisle's posing as a doctor to hunt the American soldiers and Carlisle's like no no no I'm actually a doctor I'm helping!

Then a lot of teasing about him being English/British and Carlisle's like I was born before America was a thing what do you want from me? Garrett thinks Carlisle's Neat for the vegetarian and doctor stuff but has no interest in doing it himself when there are plenty of red coats to eat but Carlisle gives him vague plans "I might go to Philadelphia next" so the next time Garrett swings by Philly in his travels he tries to find Carlisle to catch up. I think he's probably met the rest of the Cullens by the time Breaking Dawn happens (and I still think name-dropping some of these people in Eclipse would have helped BD a LOT because then they wouldn't just be random characters we've never heard of--we'd have at least heard of them. Pretty sure there's a vague reference to Carlisle trying to get in touch with old friends in Eclipse after the Denali coven refuses to help against the newborns, and just NAMING some of them here could have made their appearance in BD feel a little more organic), but he's not the type to stick around in one place for long. Emmett totally loves when he visits though. They both love a challenge. They bro out. (I feel like Garrett TOTALLY would have helped in Eclipse if they could have gotten in touch with him. "Fighting to the death against a newborn army? Sounds like fun.")

Garrett seems like a friendly guy so I feel like, like Carlisle, he's got a lot of random friends. He probably already knew Mary and Randall, for example. He charms any vampires he comes across rather than fighting them, but could hold his own in a fight if it came to it.

Mostly sticks to the USA. MAYBE Canada. Hates the British and by extension is not interested in Europe in general. He's like Ron Swanson. "It is a garbage continent." MAYBE he went during the world wars to help on the American side--although it PAINED him to have the Brits as allies, he hunted Germans instead for a bit.

(INSTANTLY becomes BFFs with Liam of the Irish coven over their hatred of the English when he meets him in BD, though. Carlisle looks around nervously and wonders how he managed to have TWO friends who hate Englishmen.)

His relationship with Kate was cute but it seemed way too fast/out of the blue to me. Like the iconic line of "If we live through this, I'll follow you anywhere, woman" and Kate's "now he tells me" FEELS like it was a long time coming, but according to the timeline they've literally known each other for like maybe two weeks? But this is Twilight and we can't let anyone outside of E/B/J have like, an actual character arc and this is more than most people get so like, I'll take it I guess.

[mishavacado]

SPN has so much spinoff potential and so much canon to work with, it's such a waste that none of it's getting used. This post is just all of my spinoff ideas, I'll apologize in advance because it is VERY long.

Wayward Sisters, obviously. There are so many possible storylines to work with, so many stories to tell. I'd really love to see some Charlie, Eileen, or Krissy Chambers cameos. I think that Charlie and Claire would get along really well (just read this post). Rowena is another character that I think could easily be worked into the canon. She could teach the girls all kinds of magic and be the fun wine aunt that spoils the girls on their birthdays. I don't think that Claire would like her very much, but, Rowena and Alex would probably get along just fine. How much I need this in my life: 1000000000000000000000000/10 when I heard that this idea had been tossed out I was so angry. Why doesn't this exist?

Men of Letters prequel that's mostly set in the bunker. This show could really expand on the canon lore and give us some more background on the Men of Letters, as well as any other similar/rival organizations that were around before the main show's time. The Men of Letters have so much story potential for a spin-off; corrupt leadership, new monsters, other organizations, expanding the MoL to outside the U.S. Episodes could be in a monster-of-the-week (MOTW) format, starting and ending with the Man of Letters the case is assigned to making notes in his journal or case file or talking about the case, as well as the overall season arcs. Episodes would be titled by their case number, i.e S1 E1 Case No. 1925-4, etc How much I need this in my life: 1000000/10, the supernatural/historical drama combo would be absolutely stunning.

A series focusing on all of the alternate timelines and universes, both the ones mentioned in the main show and ones just randomly created for an episode. There are infinite possibilities. Each episode would be in a MOTW format, but with different versions of Sam and Dean. The HunterCorp universe, Jared and Jensen from the French Mistake, a universe where their names are switched, a universe where Dean went to college and was the one with the demon blood powers, a universe where they drive a Mustang instead of the Impala, a universe where Sam isn't scared of clowns. I could go on, but I'm going to stop myself here. How much I need this in my life: 9/10 I think it would be pretty funny, but it's not my best idea.

A Bobby and Rufus spin-off where they talk about cases they worked on together or with other hunters, but the stories are told similarly to Tall Tales. It's the same story but told from different points of view depending on who's talking. I wish we'd gotten to see more of Bobby and Rufus because I think those two are hilarious and really think that this could be funny, even if it was just a web series with twenty-minute episodes. How much I need this in my life: 10/10, I love Bobby and Rufus and I think that they have a lot of interesting hunting stories to tell.

GHOSTFACERS GHOSTFACERS GHOSTFACERS. How much I need this in my life: 100000000000000000000000/10, I love the Ghostfacers. That's my whole idea.

A Jack-centric show that's almost a political drama. Jack is the ruler of heaven and is constantly being manipulated by angels, demons, and Death herself. He just wants to make an afterlife paradise, but power-hungry angels won't leave him alone. Remember that Jack is very young and trusting by nature, so there is a lot of potential for disaster if he gets goaded into doing something, like making new universes or ending existing ones. Cas is a main character and he does his best to protect Jack, but he has to be careful to not seem overprotective/like another manipulator or Jack won't trust him either. I have no idea if I'm making any sense, but shoutout to me if I am. For some reason, I've always thought that heaven would be an interesting setting for a spin-off, and those angels are pretty similar to power-hungry politicians. How much I need this in my life: 800/10, I would totally watch this.

A very short series that just destroys the canon finale. Twelve episodes, detailing the storylines that were ignored or destroyed by Carry On. E1: Rescuing Cas from the Empty and he and Dean have a long talk about their ~feelings~. They kiss, and for the first time, Dean’s mind is free of doubt about whether or not anyone could ever love all of him. E2: Eileen returns. She says nothing when she sees Dean and Cas holding hands, just raises her eyebrow and smiles knowingly. Some excellent movie night content. E3: 1 year later. Sam and Eileen’s wedding. Dean and Cas aren’t legally married, but their matching gold rings are very prominently shown. It isn’t mentioned. The wedding is almost canceled because of the rain, but with a wave of Jack’s hand the clouds disappear and the birds start to sing. E4: Sam and Eileen have moved out of the Bunker. Cas finally convinces Dean to downsize, so they find a little house in Lawrence and settle down. Cas works as a special ed teacher. Dean works as a mechanic. Miracle loves the backyard but makes sure to stay away from the beehives in the back corner. E5: Sam and Eileen’s twins, Mary and Maura, are born. Dean and Cas love their nieces, and Jack loves them too. He doesn’t know what to call himself, so they settle on Uncle and call it good. E6: Deaths. They all die old. Cas’s vessel has aged, but he can’t die, so when Dean finally passes away in his sleep, Cas scatters his ashes in the woods and disappears, ascending to heaven, to spend eternity with Dean. The closing scene is a dark screen, with the whoosh of wings and a soft “Hello, Dean.” OK. That was a long one. My apologies. How much I need this in my life: 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000/10. I would reach nerdvana thirty seconds into episode one.

Another spinoff of that idea is just...Dean and Cas living a normal life. Short episodes. Cas goes to the grocery store. Dean drags Cas to a horror movie fan convention. Cas meets a roomba. How much I need this in my life: I can’t type enough zeroes to express it.

Campbell prequel that focuses on Mary and her childhood. Mary being raised as a hunter but not being allowed on hunts. Mary rushing home to finish her chemistry homework so she can help her dad track a nest of vampires moving east. Mary missing her prom to help Samuel on a hunt. Mary trying to keep her real life secret from John, a man she knows loves the parts of her he knows about. Mary always being an outsider, the kindest and most beautiful girl in her class, but so slow to trust and quick to speak that everyone is afraid to be her friend. Mary is a character that has the potential a lot more development, for twelve seasons she’s the burning martyr in every Winchester’s imagined paradise. She deserves more. How much I need this in my life: 11/10, Mary isn’t my favorite character but I would die for her.

Gabriel spin-off. That’s it, that’s the idea. How much I need this in my life: 10000000/10, Gabriel is a character that we don’t know a lot about so there are so many possible directions for a story about him to go.

Show set in the SPN universe that doesn’t really interact with the main show’s canon. It’s about two cops in the 30s that become hunters by accident. After investigating the apparent suicide of a hunter in their small town, they become enthralled by her library, filled with books about ghosts and vampires. They pour over her journals on their own time, fascinated by what they’re reading. They get to know the hunter through her writings, her accounts of her hunts and travels. Eventually, a nest of vampires settles in the town and the two put their newfound knowledge to the test. This show would just be based on canon lore, there wouldn’t be any mention of the Winchesters or other main characters, although a few MoL team-ups is definitely a possibility. The two become quite a team, tracking werewolf backs on bulletin boards in their basements and hoarding rock salt. How much I need this in my life: 89/10, I think this could be really interesting and I am a sucker for historical hunters.

Speaking of historical hunters-Samuel Colt prequel. Cowboys, vampires, cowpires. Hunting in the wild west, galloping across the prairie chasing a pack of werewolves. This show could also tell us a lot about how different types of monsters spread across the U.S. Ghosts will go anywhere people go, but what about vampires? Shapeshifters? Ghouls? What was it like to hunt without technology to help with research? The hunters in this series would be the authors of the journals that modern hunters use every day. They’re the ones that tested tracking and trapping methods. Again, no idea if this is making sense, but I think that a supernatural western would be really awesome and would expand/substantiate the canon lore. How much I need this in my life: 1000000000000000000000000000000/10, I love cowboys and I love Supernatural. This is literally the best thing that could ever happen to me.

Crowley. I want to know more about him. A series that tells us all about Fergus Roderick MacLeod, starting with when he was born in Scotland and ending with his death in All Along the Watchtower. We know that Rowena was his mother, that he was a tailor, that he sold his soul for an extra three inches ~down there~, and that he was a terrible dad. I want to know more about his childhood, about the people he made deals with, about how he became king of the crossroads and of Hell. Crowley was a very interesting character that was abused by the story. I want to know more about him. How much I need this in my life: 10000000000000000000000000000000000000/10, I really do love Crowley and I would watch this a thousand times over.

Final idea: MOTW only. No season arc, no overall storyline. New hunters every episode, from all different times, from over the world. All kinds of monsters. One episode in Victorian England, the next in 1990s Los Angeles. Very few recurring characters, if any. The recurring characters would be the Bobby Singers of the world; the lore guys that you call when you need help. Each new character has their own style, own car, own music, own personality. The show could have some a m a z i n g guest stars because they’d only appear in a few episodes. There are so many possibilities for episodes, even if they weren’t full length. How much I need this in my life: 100000/10, I love MOTW episodes and would really like to get to know the characters. It would be very easy to write one-off fanfics for this show, and also very easy to introduce this show’s characters into Supernatural’s canon.

You made it to the end!!!!!!!! That’s all I have for now. Sorry for writing so much, I just can’t stop thinking about SPN and all of the wasted stories.

[dilfdoctordoom]

Maeve Dilfdoctordoom I have to ask, what are your opinions regarding Requiem/Infinity Wars and the lead up to it, especially in regards to Gamora?

This kinda went longer than expected so, uh, enjoy the rant, I guess.

It's all bad. EVERYTHING THEY DID IN THAT IDIOTIC STORY... like can anyone actually explain Gamora's motivations? In a way that makes any sense for her character? And the whole fucking story it -- it would tease actual reasons behind what she's doing (part of her soul being gone affecting her, old Soulworld Gamora up to some shit, Thanos' ghost) and then as soon as those ideas were introduced... it felt like they were forgotten.

The entire event is so messy and incoherent and like -- I'm not one to go 'oh x can always beat y' because, you know, comics, sliding powerscale, whatever, BUT MAGUS. WOULD NOT DIE TO ULTRON. I find that so beyond ridiculous and just??? What even is the Magus' timeline here. Last I saw him he was a kid but then he shows up with the soul stone just to be murdered.

And I get that reversing everything Galactus had going on back to the status quo was probably just an editorial mandate, but it was bad and boring and I didn't like it, which is upsetting, since I'd still say that sequence was the best of the entire event, it's build up, it's tie-ins, everything.

I'm pretty sure we only got Infinity Wars because the Infinity War movie was a thing (see: Civil War II dropping around the same time as the Civil War movie) and like, okay, whatever, more MCU bleed bullshit, but this was just... Reading it, I don't think the writer had any clue what he was doing.

AND IT'S TREATMENT OF GAMORA. God, when she'd come so far... it bothered me a lot. Keeping in mind that I read all her major appearances within, like, a month of each other... Infinity Wars kinda spits of everything Gamora stands for.

And is that to say that it couldn't have worked? No! A better writer would have found easy ways to explain her motivations that worked with what we've seen, but instead it's just... lol Gamora murdered trillions isn't she so evil.

The kiss between her and Peter is evil, actually, as it was the proper start to 616 Starmora.

The pacing of the series is so. nothing actually flows together. It has way too many ideas and no clue on how to use them. It genuinely feels like a bunch of concepts were thrown on a wall and they went with whatever stuck.

AGAIN, this annoys me because like... I would read some ridiculous cosmic bullshit event with Gamora, Logan, Adam Warlock, Loki, etc as the main characters. I would love that, it's just the type of weird line up that I'd enjoy... and instead. We got that.

I'm not gonna say that Duggan's run is without its merit, because it does present some interesting things, mainly with the return of Richard Rider to the world of Guardians, but, IDK, even that ended up falling flat. It was just weird that Rich didn't show up in the main storyline. Like... it's Gamora, Rich would do anything for her and Pete, and we'd gotten hints they'd gotten back together, but, no. Why have characters there that make sense when *checks list* Kamala Khan and Emma Frost can team up with Loki. Oh yes let's throw in some interdimensional versions of Phyla-Vell and Moondragon.

ANOTHER THING... I don't think the Guardians (specifically Peter, Drax and Gamora) got to really. react. to an alive Phyla-Vell??? And I'm not saying they were all best friends, but like... what. What the fuck. (Also I'm not entirely sure but I don't think Adam was, you know, dead when Duggan resurrected him).

There was just a lot of bad choices, poor pacing, shit characterization and all around terrible writing. Easily one of the worst comic events that I've ever read, because, despite reading it more than once, I cannot tell you the actual plot. I don't think it exists <3

Oh, but the art on the main series is beautiful.

[thejoshuaglenn-blog]

You're a Good Boy, Charlie Brown

The key purpose of a Tumblr blog here is really a brain dump: logging thoughts, feelings, narrative and such is easier in long form than via a brief Facebook post that generates half a dozen "oh no, what happened" comments. As I'm writing this, most of it seems like bullet points and organized timelines. If you're looking for a TL;DR or current state of thoughts, it's the last section titled The Day After, and the Day After That.

A few days ago, Niko and I said goodbye to our first dog, Charlie Brown.

I'm not keen to chat about it a lot. There's more to process than I have time to type; most of it centers around being fair to myself and to Niko, taking the time to appreciate his life without beating ourselves up, and avoiding the overwhelming mire that grief can become.

Joining the Family

CB was a rescue, a hapless victim of the 2016 Louisiana floods and a happy-go-lucky participant in a "dog for a day" event hosted by a local shelter. I fully expected to rent him out for a day, give him a few great experiences, and return him. For myriad reasons, we never did bring him back to Pet Rescue by Judy, and he's been with us ever since.

At adoption, he was estimated to be around 4-8 years old. With a kicked-in shoulder that offset his collarbone and ribcage, some assorted dental issues, and other little signs of damage (cigarette burns, what the heck is wrong with people), it was tough to really gauge his age. That means he left this world at the ripe old age of something like 9-13, which isn't terrible considering all he'd been through.

Charlie Brown was the iconic good boy. He seldom barked, he never licked or jumped, and just wanted to be in the same room as his favorite people. He had a few toys that he cherished, never ripping them up, just carrying them with him from room to room and whining a bit, unsure of where he could store them for safekeeping. Apart from some separation anxiety issues and an occasional urge to bolt out the door and book it as far as he could, CB was by all accounts an easy first dog: more like a low-effort cat than anything else.

Slowly Falling Apart

Over time, the health issues increased. Intermittent but predictably regular upset tummy. Bad gums, bad teeth. Random gooey skin lesion. Eye ulcers. Since October, we've been averaging 2-3 unplanned vet visits a month — many incurring some hefty bills. We'd take out another credit card, find another financing plan, but it adds up. So does the emotional toil on the family; so does the anxiety toll on the dog.

You start to think about quality of life for the dog, you know? He'd had a few teeth removed to sew up his gums after they kinda detached and fell apart from his jawbone — so he couldn't chew anything hard. Couldn't even chew a tennis ball, which was the only toy he took interest in anymore. Couldn't have any fun treats like peanut butter or other soft chews, as his tummy would have bad flare-ups that usually ended up with him attached to an IV bag. After finally settling in and learning to play well with Atlas, Charlie Brown started to get pretty irritable whenever Atlas got frisky.

He still loved running around outdoors, and was in otherwise great health.

I can't tell you how guilty that makes me feel, even now.

Moving to Waltham

Before we left Orlando, there were so many crisis moments in emergency vet offices where Niko and I talked about how long he could ride this roller coaster. CB obviously was not a fan of vet visits: loved the staff, but was notably anxious and panicky when separated from us, and he had grown very loathe to the process of poking, prodding, and whatnot.

Shortly after moving to Waltham (he was a champ in the U-Haul), Charlie Brown had a severe colitis flare-up. He was losing so much fluid and was growing very lethargic over the day. Vets are hard to get into these days: with the sweep of "pandemic puppy" adoptions, the vet industry as a whole is saturated with demand, and practices are responding as best they can. There were just no emergency clinics available to us within 20 miles, except one that noted "we have no availability, but you can come and wait, and we might be able to see you in 4 or 5 hours." So we did.

It was a very late night. Charlie Brown came home with us with another round of the same antibiotics he'd been taking almost regularly since December for his assorted ailments, and some probiotics. The next day, CB seemed a bit better and brighter, and Niko and I went into the city for part of the day. We came home to find he'd had an accident, but it was just... blood. So so much. And he looked so in pain, so ashamed, so guilty, so anxious.

So we went back to the vet ER. It was another very late night. I didn't know how many of these late nights we could afford; neither of us knew how many of these late nights it was fair to expect Charlie Brown to endure.

Do you plan on letting a pet go after an extended crisis visit? Do you plan on letting a pet go in a time of relative peace?

Camping Analogy, and a Best Last Day

When you're off on a long hike, and you see daylight start to fade as the sun begins to set, you begin to think about finding a good place to set up camp for the night. It's abysmal to do this after the sun has already gone down: where you could have had preparation and structure, you have chaos by flashlight.

A dog's life is in your hands. You're his whole world: all food, adventure, pampering, challenge, treatment, and care come from you. More than anything, we wanted Charlie Brown to have a peaceful, restful life. Now that we started thinking about it, we wanted to be able to give him a peaceful, restful passing as well: not as the climax of another overnight crisis with injections and yelps and beeps and cowering and anxiety and fear, but in the still quiet of familiar sounds and smells.

His very last day was a great one. Fresh Pond in Cambridge: a massive stroll around a colossal lake with an absurd bounty of new smells, kind people, happy dogs, and a brisk New England breeze. He got to swim in a little side pond — that boy lived for jumping into random lakes. He ran around the broad field that is Kingsley Bowl, chasing a thrown ball the very very farthest his sad pop could throw it — and he brought it back. We bought him a steak. We told him how much he brought to our lives.

And then we waited.

Lap of Love is a sort of home delivery service of dignified passing for pets. There's more to say on that hour than I care to pen, but throughout the procedure, we never left him. Charlie Brown passed enveloped in our arms and laps and sobs and hugs.

The Day After, and the Day After That

The rest is just thoughts. Your head starts to feel like a coffee shop where your grief comes in, sits at a table with you, and unloads. You nod, listen, and wish them well. I hope I can keep processing this way — I find it helpful, and less overwhelming.

I wish he had been able to play with his tennis ball more. Since his jaw surgery — even out on Kingsley Bowl, nearly a month and a half after he should have been fully healed — any kind of chewing would cause renewed bleeding and pain.

I wish we had hugged him more. But truth be told, he didn't like hugs. They made him uncomfortable. So we gave him a hand to lay his head on, or a knee for him to pop his head upon, as often as he liked.

There were so many times I felt inconvenienced by owning a dog at all. They weren't the majority, but... now each remembered time feels like a splinter of selfishness.

I miss how familiar the back of his neck felt under my hand, just behind the ears, where the waves of fur meet and crash and make a long cowlick of foof and fluff.

His happy smile and his stressed smile were very similar, but you could still tell which was which.

I loved being there for him in thunderstorms.

When you think about it, we sort of were hospice care for him. We weren't his original owners; we just wanted the rest of his life to be painless and fulfilling. He had so many trust issues when he first came to us. And in the end, he loved anyone he met.

I miss feeling around with my feet to make sure I don't step on him on my way to bed. I miss setting my feet on the floor as I wake, stooping down, and giving his head a good squishy rub.

He never did get to see Boston snow. I mean... thousands of dogs never get to see snow. But I was really looking forward to sharing that experience with him.

I wanted so badly to bring him to a point of health, and then say goodbye when he was feeling well. Seeing him have his Best Last Day, part of me whispered "murderer" with cold accuracy, and I have a hard time shaking it. He was so happy — but between jaw bleeding after playing with a tennis ball, seeing him scratch his eyes that were starting to ache with ulcers again... I know the unbridled happiness came with the reality of his declining health.

Atlas was the best thing that ever happened to that boy. I know Charlie Brown was at least a little disgruntled that his easy-going day-to-day had been interrupted by a chompy puppy, but Atlas brought out the young pup in CB: ripping palm fronds to shreds, playing tug, playing tag, meeting new dogs with confidence and assurance.

I used to get so mad at my mother-in-law for feeding Charlie Brown cinnamon donuts. I wish I'd given him more. Heck, I wish I'd given him more peanut butter. I'm frankly surprised he hadn't died of peanut butter overdose years ago.

Where Charlie's health had limits, we kept going with Atlas. That might mean taking Atlas out to play with a ball or a tug toy, because CB couldn't. It breaks my heart now to think of Charlie at the glass door just watching it happen, all because he physically couldn't play the same. I know he didn't understand that.

We took him out to Park Ave maybe once or twice. I wish it had been more. Truth be told, it was the same as the dog park, though: he was kind of a loner. Loads of people or dogs made him anxious. So while I might idealize the past and wish he had sat at our legs for lunch after lunch at an outdoor thoroughfare, ... I think he would have been miserable. I think he would have rather just curled up at the base of the couch and dozed while we watched a show.

He was so trusting. I could just drag him onto his back and onto my lap for cuddles and a good tummy rub. No complaints.

He looked so gaunt these past few months. I keep looking at earlier photos, and I really didn't realize just how grizzly and drawn he had become lately.

I miss seeing him randomly waiting for me outside the bathroom door — or curled up on the bath mat while I was in the shower, having sneakily nosed the door open and wanting my company while I was rinsing.

For his first few years with us, he was incredibly playful. I've been going through old videos — it's like going outside just blew his mind, and toys were either for cherishing daintily, or thrashing about and throwing to oneself and gnawing. He lost that after a time. He regained it a bit when Atlas joined the party. But it still faded. I'm sure that's inevitable, but it makes me sad to see the early vibrant puppy in those old recordings, and how different he had been in recent months.