#i geniunely am losing my mind over this

[agentromanoffsir]

absolutely cannot stop thinking about this bit in rogue planet after qui gon ended up appearing to obi wan in the last ep

[prompt-master]

henlo i am sorry to bother you but i am ten years late to the danganronpa fandom and two years late to your fanfics but i was wondering if you might consider finishing your Bear Trap story? like even if its just a quick lil synopsis of what you wanted to write, or if its an unfinished chapter, id take anything 👉👈

also ur lovely ok bye

Ok this was worded very kindly so I'm going to justify it with a full geniune response.

I'm honestly probably never going to update Bear Trap, but I WILL give you a synopsis. I did however want to first quickly explain why I don't plan on finishing that fic.

To keep a long story short. I kinda hate BT. It was my first fic after a two year break and imo it shows in the quality. I thank BT for temporarily getting me back into the writing groove, but I cringe way too hard looking back on it. I do have an unfinished chapter draft, but I'm not sure if I'd ever post it. I'll have to reread it at some point and see how I feel.

I would also like to say that if anyone else is willing to write the last part, I am more than willing to work with them.

Now, here is what I had planned for BT, bare (haha bear) in mind that it's messy because it was just self indulgent nonsense:

The format of BT was meant to go; build up, impact, aftermath. With each chapter focusing on a different story beat.

There was going to be a fake chapter released only on tumblr where Naegi died, only for the characters to go "did you actually think that would happen?" meant to poke fun over how many people thought I was going to kill Naegi.

This means the last chapter was going to entirely focus on the aftermath of Naegi's injury. I wanted each character to get an analysis of how they're feeling and each individual relationship would get a spotlight

This also means that. Tbh. The aftermath segment probably would not fit cleanly into one chapter since it would be pretty big.

It began with the hospital ride from the helicopter, Togami and Kiri watching as medics struggle to keep Naegi stable. There's a very dissociative vibe going on.

Because Togami and Kiri are closer to Naegi then they are each other, they don't really know how to comfort each other. It's awkward, quiet. They only speak to share facts and speculation. But there's a moment where they lean shoulder to shoulder.

Naegi was going to lose his leg, and have to get a prosthetic. Some of the fic was going to focus on him relearning how to walk with his new leg with the help of his partners.

I wanted to make sure that Naegi becoming disabled wasn't a "bad" ending. It's obviously upsetting to lose a limb in a tragic accident, and Naegi does have to cope with it. But I wanted to feel more empowering in a "see this shit? It's proof I survived"

Togami was ofc going to lovingly call him a cockroach

There was going to be exploration over how despite being known around the world for surviving a tragedy, they still don't really know how to LIVE with tragedy. They are just forced to keep moving on without getting a moment to breathe.

Due to Naegi seeing how freaked out Togami and Kiri were, he tries to keep everything together and stay lighthearted for their sake. He knows they want to see he's okay. This meant he pushed aside his own coping however.

The fic was going to end with Naegi finally letting out his emotions and crying in front of both of them, admitting that he was scared and thought he was going to die, and that he was so grateful they were there. Even if he had died then, he wouldve been more okay with it if they were with him. But that doesn't mean he was actually okay with it.

Togami negotiates them all a 2 week vacation lmao

If I remember correctly (I did not reread the fic to check, I'm going solely off memory) I was going to make a point about how despite feeling like they nearly lost their chance to tell Naegi they love him, both Tog and Kiri know that a confession shortly after a traumatic experience isn't the best idea. But also, Naegi doesn't need a confession to know they love him.

There were certainty more details to thefic that I can't fully recall ATM, such as the specifics of each individual character/relationship analysis. Let me know if you have any questions! Ty again for your kindness

[dumblemonchickenwing]

i wanted to draw lesser dad comic continuation on my au about corrupt rouxls but I gave up. the rough script draft is under read more

Lancer magical stool forme

Rouxls facesplat on the floor

A headcanon that Lesser Fathere would rather break his own face than take advantage of his Biggere Son in any way whatsoever

Rouxls as Lady Gaga

(sorry, those above were rough ideas not related.)

=

This world is cruel and nothing makes sense

That “forever” is nothing but fleeting set of lies. Its just a lie you feed those you fail to stand for. You said you loved him and will forever love him, but look at you now. In fact, you heard them say that the world is cruel and you worried that nothing would make sense. You worried nothing you would say or do holds any meaning. 

Nobody knows the truth.

Mayhaps, the truth really is that way.

Perhaps, you really did have your eyes opened. And you know that this world is cruel, and nothing has any meaning.

Then.. if nothing has any meaning..

then why not do what you wanted to do?

if these words hold no meaning, then

why not say them, if saying

 or not saying them

 would make no difference?

You feel that nothing holds any meaning. You have none but evil inside you.

And still those words you wanted to say to Him, still havent gone.

Keeping them inside, doesnt let them go away

You worried so much that you do not deserve to say them

that it would be hypocritic

But days passs by

and that wish wont go away.

Like a bug that keeps crawling around within your ribcage.

He is right there.

Things will never be the same as they used to be.

And you grieve how everything was ruined.

“I could have been a Father.” But even so, right now

You want to come forth.

And he doesnt seem to mind.

In fact, he loves you.

Why do you hesitate?

You worry you will change your mind? You will betray him? You worry about your ever-changing nature?

You worry you will corrupt him as well

But look at him now. He is happy and okay right now. He has friends

that will protect him.

And look at you, Right now. You want to say it. You want to do it. Right now.

“What are you staring at him like that for? Dont you wanna like? i dunno, say hi?” (Susie)

“I am... afraid.

-Young Prince.. is too kind. I am afraid, he loves me, even though I am not the one he should accepteth in his life. He is too sweet, it would lead to his heartache. 

“Afraid? Of hurting him? Listen here, man.. don’t think you’re the only one who feels this way. Even tho Im buddies with him and I constantly drag with around with me, even though we’re having lots of fun and geniunely believe in each other. There’s still that huge part of me that is scared that one day it will all be over. I am terrified of losing him. I still remember how I hurt him. I still remember how I used to be. And I never forget that I’m not really super good. But you know what? I look at this dude and think - woah, he sure is a cool fun guy, itd suck if i’d lose a single day I could spend with him to me sitting alone and thinking about how much hed hate me. And then I get up, and force myself to come up to him. Because i remember, how much it sucked being alone and stuck with myself, every day. And i remember, how much it sucked for him to be alone, and.. who knows, maybe If i’d leave him because i of my inner thoughts, I’d leave him all alone and hurt his feelings.

And, I’m like, not a psychic or a god to decide whats best for him. Idunno, if, like, I wanted him to be my friend but he ‘d chose to leave me for whatever the hell reason he made up, if he would be doing THAT to me, I’d be damn hurt.”

Usually, adults say this bullcrap to excuse them not wanting to deal with their kids, But you.. you actually DO care? What’s your problem, dude? no one freaking stops you. Especially, not HIM.

You feel really helpless and confused, and you worry you will not be able to handle this world’s trials. But maybe this is why you need to return to him? maybe.. you dont have to ALWAYS worry about him? Maybe he feels helpless and confused too, and this is why he needs you, because you understand how he feels.. and thats all that is needed?

Besides.. it’s not just you against the world. We are here too.

He has his mother now, his dad. Susie, Kris. He has friends now. You don’t have to be the exact same you as you were back then. everything is different, but maybe its for the best. 

You dont have to worry anymore.

“Oh hia, Lesser dad!! You hang out with Susie and Ralsei? Cool! Huh? Whats wrong?”

“Oh, your lesser dad just..has some things he needs to figure out.”

Wdym?

“A, he just..has a certain little beetle he wants to visit but he cant decide”

A beetle? Oh I know! You collect beetles I get whatchu talkin about! Lesser dad, you want some advice??

When i was little, my dad used to keep a cool plane model in our mansion. I always wanted to play with it, but I was very scared because I didnt know if i was allowed to touch it. So we kept it behind the glass. i would stand there and stare at it until my dad decided to throw it away. I never truly was sure if i could touch it or not but I felt really sad that I never got the chance to play with it, when it was right in front of me. I was afraid id break it, but in the end, my dad broke it anyway.

[lemonlurkrr]

What is ur geniune opinion on warriors?

Hi anon I'm gonna use this ask an excuse to talk about hyrule warriors in general (but if you wanna hear just about Warrs read the first chunk)

I just,, thoroughly enjoy this Link's vibe (LU+LOZ)

I still haven't figure out what exactly I like about this incarnation of Link

Kinda like TP Link he just seems like a regular dude (although just a little diff since he was a soldier beforehand BUT STILL, that's not the same as signing up to be the hero of courage)

And gHHHHH that one line about him not feeling worthy of the hero's garb 👌👌👌🤌🤌 got me right in the heart tysm nintendo

I enjoy him getting a little too confident with the mastersword and that biting him in the ass later. I think the game wanted it to be more like a lesson on the power of friendship but I like viewing it as a harsh reminder that Link lonk is still human

Chill OUT my guy HDHDJCND

When it comes to LU, I like his older brother vibe (also like twilight?? I'm sensing a trend)

This has definitely been said before but yeah he slots in pretty well with the rest of the LU gang, I can see him getting along well with everyone

Even with general loz HW Link I feel like there’s a lot of potential for exploring a wide variety of relationships between him and the rest of the HW cast

I like the scarf. It adds to his silhouette and I am all for small additions to help distinguish between the Links

That little hair antenna???

Out of all the Links, I think I like drawing his outfif the most

HW is just a big ol group of friends who could beat the shit out of me

The blue from the scarf sprinkled throughout, the gold trim, and the single pauldron 😩👌

I feel like Warriors would listen to doja cat

Reminds me of TP :)

Give!!! Link!!! FRIENDS!!!!!

Being alone (BOTW) has its own vibe that I also thoroughly enjoy BUT HAVING A BUNCH OF FRIENDS?????

Good shit.

The nature of the relationships between Link and all the other warriors in-game aren't suuuper fleshed out (i think?? I always struggle to pay attention to the dialogue from the characters during each level lmao) but ayo isn't it fun to imagine what kind of conversations they'd have between battles?

What kind of jokes do they make? Who do they always chat with/gravitate towards?

What kind of stories do they share?

Do they even share stories? How secretive are they about their lives off the battlefield?

All of the animations in-game are over the top and i love it so much

It would have felt weird if they half-assed it or had only a couple crazy ones HHDJDJC

They went feral with the animations that honestly wouldn't really make too much sense in a battlefield BUT IT LOOKS COOL AND THATS ALL THAT MATTERS

music music msic

booyah now we’re really getting into “general thoughts on HW” territory

GOOD SHIT.

everything just feels so,,, beefy

it’s either big rock band electric guitar stuff or big orchestra stuff and I love it so much

atm Focal Line is my favourite 👌

I also enjoy Linkle’s theme, I think it’s cute how they quoted the theme from Link’s crossbow training in there

I’m easily pleased when it comes to music stuff so literally any time the OST quotes a theme from the previous games I lose my shit

It's such a simple thing but DAMN do I love doing stuff like booting up a level, hearing the music, and going !!!!!!! INSIDE A HOUSE THEME?????

The whole ost is pretty high energy and god knows I've been craving mind numbing upbeat music lately

I very very much love Link with the fire rod

Speaking of the wack animations, the stuff with Link and the fire rod always come to mind first

That thing just looks so powerful and it's a nice change from his regular ol sword

I wanna draw so much fanart of him using that thing!!!

HHHHNGHH BOTW Link is usually pegged as the arsonist BUT HEY whabout HW Link

Multiple realms coming together, time fuckery

Feels weird tbh

But also doesn't??

Like contained within the HW bubble it's fine and I like it, it's fun getting to see different locations and music from the other games

BUT, when you get to thinking about what would happen if this game were considered to be canon,,

Do the characters from the other timelines remember these things when they go back to their time? When exactly in the big zelda timeline is all of this taking place?

What stories of the hero of legend did this Link grow up listening to??

I think I've seen some folks place it before BOTW as the merger of the timelines but tbh I like its ambiguity and won't be HCing it in a specific spot

canon???????????????

Isn't it fun imagining the sort of angst/fuckery you could get from HW not being canon??

I think about this post a lot

I am a sucker for trippy/dream-like stuff so questioning whether HW is real or not is 👌👌👌 (for general LOZ and in LU)

I also think about this fic a lot (it's an AOC fic and I know we're talking about HW rn but GODT DAMN. The funky "is all of this a dream?" stuff is so good, I would literally go feral if someone made something like this for the OG hyrule warriors)

I want to make a comic/animatic or something with this idea but aaaa this is a funky idea to communicate visually

Link, who ARE you? Are you a unique incarnation of the hero of courage stuck in a void where your actions don’t affect anyone else on the timeline? Or are you and your adventure an amalgamation of random elements from the rest of the real heroes on the timeline?

The false hero, not in the sense that he is undeserving of the title, but that he just doesn’t. exist.

ow

[hermywolf]

ranking my favorite characters about random shit part 5

ranking my favorite characters (clarke griffin, dean winchester, fox mulder, rose tyler, newt, kaz brekker, samwise gamgee, charles xavier, bill denbrough, lord asriel, steve rogers, scott mccall, anna milton and barry berkman) about random shit. this is entirely self-indulgent

Part 5: How they’d react to a breakup (i’m imagining a completely random oc as the one breaking up with them because if i start thinking of the people i ship them with breaking up with them i WILL cry)

1- NEWT

he’s the sweetest man on earth he’d want to talk about it and understand his partner’s reasons and he’d be so kind and understanding even though he’d be sad lemme tell you this man is a SAINT

2- STEVE ROGERS

sweet understanding KING. absolute TREASURE. he’d be so confused and sad at first but he’d be SO understanding UGH i am in love with this man

3- SCOTT MCCALL

remember when allison sorta kinda broke up with him and he was all sweet and kind about it and said that he believed they would find their way to each other again eventually. yeah. iconic behavior. king shit

4- SAMWISE GAMGEE

he’s the PRESIDENT of ‘let’s stay friends!’ squad he’ll definitely stay in touch with all his exes they’re all his absolute besties

5- CHARLES XAVIER

mr telepath mindreader therapist teacher man absolutely sees it coming from a thousand miles away and he might even be the one to bring it up so that his partner doesn’t worry about it. he will be sad but he gets over it in a healthy way because he’s (MOSTLY) in touch with his feelings

6- ANNA MILTON

for a fallen angel with a bit of a god complex she’s surprisingly well adjusted. i think she’s the kind to definitely stay friends with her exes except like two of them which she’s got five different plans to murder each. all in all if it’s a healthy breakup they stay friends if it involves cheating she’s out to get you motherfucker and you know what you deserve it i mean who the FUCK would cheat on ANNA MILTON of all people istg

7- DEAN WINCHESTER

whoever thinks dean is emotionally constipated enough to be the ‘i didnt like u anyway’ kind has NOT seen spn 1x13 road 666 like GUYS. he pretends to be this no-chick-flick-moments and no-attachment kinda dude but we all know he actually cares SO much and if you look at his relationship with cassie or lisa he’s actually pretty open and communicative and sincere and he geniunely tries to talk about shit with them?? so he does have a constructive and heartfelt conversation and says he understands but he also WILL cope by either going on more hunts to distract himself or by locking himself in his room with pizza and movies in his hotdog pants and send noods socks, s14 style. TONS of ice cream. he’ll ghost his ex for a while when he’s coping with it but then later on they do end up being besties (yes i AM on the team dean-becomes-bff-with-all-his-exes don’t mind me just spreading my dean being besties with anna, cassie, lisa,amara, benny and crowley agenda)

8- BILL DENBROUGH

he’s pissed and sad and offended and grumpy and confused he just feels a LOT of shit at the same time like he’s having a full breakdown inside but from the outside his reaction is pretty much ‘what. oh. ok’

9- LORD ASRIEL

he does not, and mark my words on this one, give a single fuck. he IS what kaz pretends to be and what ketterdam thinks he is. asriel does not give a FLYING FUCK he’s like ‘well ok then see you around i guess’ and then just moves on. he was probably cheating on his partner anyway if we’re being honest here, he’s just that terrible. god why is he my favorite character again- oh right he’s insanely hot and wants to murder god right right that tracks

10- FOX MULDER

he’s extremely sweet and compassionate and understanding but then he disappears for like five months to chase down an alien in guatemala or some shit and then comes back pretending as if nothing happened at all

11- CLARKE GRIFFIN

she’s NOT happy about it and gets all grumpy and pouty and will angrily rant about it to her friends for ages but then once she’s over it she’s like. OVER over it. she completely moves on, like full on flip the switch and the feelings are GONE

12- ROSE TYLER

full breakdown in her room with tubs and tubs of ice cream wondering what she did wrong and then probably gets offered by a friend to go throw eggs at their house or some dumb shit. rose says no but she ALMOST did it. she keeps asking if there’s someone else even when it’s very clear that there’s NOT.

13- KAZ BREKKER

allow me to introduce you to the pettiest bitch on EARTH. he will definitely not hurt his ex in any way but he’ll do his absolute best to show them how much they’re missing. like he’s PETTY about it he’ll hold a gruge months, no year, no DECADES after it happened. he shows absolutely no emotions whatsoever you’d barely notice there’s been any change in his behavior, he’s not, like, sad or angry or anything, he’s just suddenly VERY devoted to the fact that everyone must know how AMAZING he’s doing and how rich and powerful and feared he is and how much a hypothetical ex-partner is missing. like this bitch probably has a full twenty pages long plan about what to do in case he gets dumped so that his ex will regret it terribly. and the worst is that kaz is a smart bitch who knows people’s weaknesses and how to exploit them so it WORKS it works and he absolutely loves it, jesper is like ‘dude how come every single time you got dumped they came back asking you to get back together only for you to reject them EXACTLY five months later’ and kaz hiding the twenty pages long binder with his elaborated plan behind his back as if it wasn’t carefully calculated and just shrugging like ‘idk i guess im a catch’ he makes everyone SO angry and honestly good for him!

14- BARRY BERKMAN

two words: murder spree. healthy coping mechanisms WHO we don’t know her in this house he’s sad and angry and he’s going to make it YOUR problem. guns out angry bill hader face ON baby. pew pew motherfucker it’s murder time. bam thirty casualties. rip to them. and he doesn’t even feel better after it either he’s crushed by guilt and having ANOTHER breakdown which will result in MORE ptsd and more sadness and anger and eventually ANOTHER breakdown and ANOTHER murder spree. its a lose-lose situation for everyone. except for his partner who’s free of his shit now i guess so true of them

[topconfessions]

Oh heyyyy, I did the website thing with Top and we came at 80%. 😀

Just another perspective on this one :

"When I date, I don't want to get close to the other person," he said. "When I look back, I like the moments when we were not close. I like her to be always be there for me. I like it when she doesn't get in my business too much. I like speaking formally to her and not becoming too close"

Why do I understand this all too much? 😂 When I read this particular interview before, I understood that he was just answering it as his shallow self. He wasnt letting the interviewer get into his private life. He probably doesnt like being too close because he likes the chase. If he knows he got you in the bag, the thrill of it is gone so he would also lose interest, which actually also shows the fact that he doesnt love the person. Which in turn shows us Top is a guy that doesnt easily fall in love. Its the way I see him anyway, since tbh I am the same way. All my life Ive always loved the chase. My relationships usually lasted just 1 month when I was growing up because I became bored easily, right when I knew they were invested in me. Ive only fallen in love once, and I will know within meeting a guy a couple of times if its love or not. I would think if I were a guy, my relationships wouldve lasted more than a month because I probably would also be after the sex? So maybe that has so far been what he has done. He's bored with his love life, he cant find anybody to fall in love with, and so he plays around... which a lot of guys are apt to do. Anyway just putting this other side out there if you guys arent aware about these kinds of people. (Or, of people like me.😂) Please dont hate us too much, I promise we mature in time. (As I did.) Tbh too I like guys with this kind of facet in their personality. Theyre the "one time big time" people. I like the thought that they have only fallen in love once or twice in their lives and if I were the girl they fell in love with, it makes me feel really special and secure in his feelings (granted I fell in love with them too) and that we would last a long time. This isnt to say too that he hasnt made bad choices, because he has. He shouldn't be playing around. He maybe is still unevolved and I seriously hope with the trials he had in his life the past few years, I hope he has matured enough to live a better life from now on.

All I can say to this is in a strange way I can put myself in a male’s mindset and perspective with dating despite being a straight female  so I can see where he was coming from and what he meant. let’s cut the bullshit: the instant you create a normal attached and traditionally loving relationship it’s only either UP or downhill from there cause the dynamic changes and personalities like TOP aren’t fit for such relationships unless there is a solid groundwork of a mutual understanding and an aspect him & the girl share that is effortless without much chomping over. I don’t believe it’s the chase thing but it could be as he has sag placements in his chart. When the “chase” is over, there needs to be something to ground both people and he usually talks to women who aren’t possessing anything new or stability wise for him to stay it seems. I’m not trying to play dr.phil here but the chase shit to me shows people aren’t dating for the real intention and geniune aspect of really loving someone through and through, each person is replaceable and like a thing that comes and go, never scratching below the surface level. unrelated but that’s just my take although I have that in me too. I don’t chase but I cut people off ALL the time and do it a lot cause if the person isn’t well rounded to me or someone I can respect I’m gone.

he’s a celebrity, he’s trapped in a messy dating field with no mind of his own.

Hope Lynn enjoys him.....while it lasts. I’m over TOP at this point. I find his aesthetic back in the day sexy as hell but thats it. I’m about to unfollow him as well..maybe    

[watchingninjago-archive]

Season 1, Episode 2: Home

I’m updating my format. As I’m watching on Netflix, we’re doing a minute-till-end system, so the number will go lower as I progress through the episode. Also, I’ll prewrite the reaction on Docs then copypaste it to here to make it more coherent.

[22:10] With that said, let’s do this!

[21:10ish] Skipped the recap (don’t need that in my life!) and we open with Wu… doing some housekeeping? I’ll say doing some moving of crap around as we hear the Boys in the background doing some training or something.

[21:04] Whhhy are you so shocked, Wu? You think that they wouldn’t want to train if it meant being the Green Ninja?

[20:25] So our Boys (exlc. Zane) are discussing Zane being Too OP For The Training Area Location. And like… they’re calling him like, weird and stuff? And my self-projecting ass is like… please stop he just wants to train oh my god,

[Around the 20:00 mark] And now we’re going through a montage of Zane being weird and such, and like…. what do I say here? Because he’s honestly my favourite at this point, and that’s in part because I kind of relate to him.

[19:35 to 19:33] “... He’s really smart, it’s just, uh, he’s a little off sometimes.” Oh, jesus christ, did you hear that bang back there? Must’ve been me relating to this guy going up by… who knows what. I was always the “smart kid that just needed to get better with making friends/being social” in primary school, and when I managed to become an AP student in highschool, always being in a class with everyone just as smart as me, the issues with being social caught up to me. And I’ll stop here because I don’t want to be stuck at one spot for too long or drop the Jaime persona, but like… I guess I realised who I’ll be relating to for the rest of the bloody show.

[Didn’t catch when, the whole “Getting mail” bit] OH OW… OW… Poor Zane. I guess the others are just at the monastery for training, but I don’t know if Zane has… anyone outside of here. At least at this point.

[Continuing from above] And… well, if he does, he doesn’t know, does he?

[18:15-18:10ish] God… ouch. Ouch. Zane just walking off like that… :( He definitely knows that he just… doesn’t fit in with the others, doesn’t he? 

[18:05] We cut to Cole and his dragon, Rocky, interacting. It’s really neat about how clearly he cares for his dragon! I really like dragons, and it’s like… hell to the yeah, good bonds are had!

[17:57] SHIT FORGOT COLE IS STILL PARTIALLY CONTROLLED BY THOSE SNAKE DUDES

[17:20] Scales is probably the most enjoyable villain because he’s the only one who has done SHIT in the two episodes we’ve seen. Lloyd’s very much a stereotypical asshole child who managed to get control of the General dude, so Scales’ the only one who has vaguely tolerable actions.

[17:11?] “Snakes don’t belong in trees.” Really?

[16:55] Lloyd, I’ll give the benefit of the doubt that you’ll become better, but as of right now I have the legal right to strangle you.

[16:30ish] Zane being a good cook is neat! Also, “I didn’t hear anybody complaining about my duck chowder last night.” “That’s because it glued our mouths shut.”

[NOT GETTING THE TIMESTAMP I’VE GOT TO BURN OFF THE SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT FIRST] READ THE TIMESTAMP FELLAS

[16:12, probably] Embarrassment-as-comedy is one of the tropes I really despise. I’m over empathetic, and in this case it’s with as previously stated my (so far) favourite character. It makes me want to stop watching, to be honest, but I know this is just some kids cartoon targeted to 8 year old boys and I really shouldn’t get so worked up about it. I’m the periphery here.

God, it’s hard to continue when the joke’s not even over.

[16:03] I’m forcing myself through it. Anyhow, I just… uhh… words not working. Words are not functional, how do I words, the bloody secondhand embarrassment broke my phrasing, shit,

[15:55] “I guess we don’t share the same sense of humour.” Do I go “mood” or do I go on another ramble?

[15:49] Aw Fuck I’m Geniunely Invested Aw Fuck Aw Jesus-

[15:45] “How could you not find that funn-” (Wu drups one of the dishes on Cole’s head.) I didn’t find the prawn thing funny, but that? I didn’t expect that. It wasn’t what I thought would happen. I didn’t expect Wu to snap like that. That got a chuckle out of me.

[15:40] “Now you are brothers.” Allriiight, FOOD FIGHT FOOD FIGHT FOOD FIGHT FOOD FI

[15:26] Zane… how are you not squicked out by all the food on you. Get it off. Food on you is gross.

[15:15] He’s looking at the stars, he’s looking at the bird, hi bird!

[15:09] And now the bird is copying him and he’s interacting with the bird right back. Birds are good. Birds are lovely. Thank you, writers, for giving me this scene.

[14:54] ah shit… ah fuck… i got invested in Zane… this isn’t what i thought would happen…

[14:46] wait don’t chase after the bird! that’s a really bad idea

[14:37] oh god I swear to god if Lloyd dares opens his mouth as we’re at the treehouse i’ll lose my fucking mind

[14:28] Oh, honestly, don’t play it as if this treehouse is all that sinister!

[14:27] I’m losing my fucking mind. I don’t care for this whiny child! I’ve seen it before and I’ll see it again. I get that he’s like, a kid, but it doesn’t mean I can’t get annoyed by all this.

Also, fucking testosterone club in there, Lloyd, huh.

[14:17] Oh! That bird let him know where Lloyd’s based. Good bird. It’ll get an apple slice or something. Maybe a small mouse.

[14:00] “Why did you follow a bird?” Oh god not this awkwardness again

[13:51] But like, seriously, it’s nice to impart the lesson on the target audience that humanity isn’t a hivemind that’ll always Get what you do or say or find funny. People aren’t like that! There’s no such thing as a Normal person. Acting so is a really stupid idea.

[13:45] “Everyone knows cuckoo birds aren’t indigenous to this forest.” Like, that sounds like something I would say. Like it’s been read out of a book and then vaguely quoted afterwards. 

[12:50ish] “Travel in the shadows, boys.” In those outfits? Yeah, good luck.

[11:12] Goddammit, the second I forgot the hypnosis thing it comes back to bite the characters, huh?

[10:50] You’re not all that genre-savvy, huh? It’s not going to just… snap, and then Cole’s alright.

[10:23] “Friends don’t hit friends.” (He promptly gets hit in the face.) “Alright, I’m gonna- I’m gonna ignore that.”

[Over a bit] Guys stop discussing YOU’RE GETTING YOUR ASSES KICKED

[Over another bit] Welp! The lightning bolt didn’t do shit.

[9:30] “That is a serious safety hazard!” You MADE that safety hazard. You didn’t earn that quip.

[9:10] Nothin’ like a little old music to snap Cole out of his trance.

[8:46] Oh, would you look at that! It’s conveniently a Serpentine cancelling flute thingy!

[8:31] OH GOD EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE

[7:55ish] Priorities…?

[7:35] Alright, alright, you two, don’t gang up on Zane. He’s not the one who did this.

[7:34] Okay, but seriously. Priorities, dude.

[7:15ish] Alright, gang, what did we learn! We learnt not to blame people for something they literally didn’t do! Zane’s bloody gone to who-knows-where because of you ganging up on him.

[6:30ish] If you ask your disobeying army on why they dare disobey you, they’re just gonna disobey harder, dude.

[6:22] I’m sorry? The Slytherpit?

[5:35] Okaaay, Lloyd… Lloyd’s spotted a scroll conveniently unfrozen and it looks like he’s making a move for it.

[4:51] SCALES JUST KICKED THE GENERAL IN THE FACE WHY AM I INVESTED IN THIS

[4:30ish] What the hell is Fang kwon do?

[4:20] Well, Scales’ won. This can only go so well (possibly sarcasm in that statement I’m not sure yet).

[4:03] Wait, so you’re telling me the chief snake is the only one allowed to have a tail? Hookay, whatever you say, Ninjago writers.

[3:35] Back to our protaginists (excl. Zane and including Wu and Nya) who appear to be camping out at another mountain for now.

[3:24] Oi! Don’t freak out about the food, you’ve got any other options?

[3:20] Yikes, I’d make a third priorities joke but just… yikes.

[3:05] Well, moral of the story boys, no such thing as a Normal Person. What you think is a Normal Person is something that you’ve constructed in your mind that you don’t usually adhere to yourself, and yet act annoyed when someone’s not fitting majorly to that construct. Just because you don’t understand why a person did a thing doesn’t mean they’re some foreign entity to you. And don’t blame the person who didn’t do it. That’s victim blaming, and it’s bad.

[2:53] And on that note, Zane’s back! Hell yeah!

[2:35] Oh, the falcon’s back? What’d it show him?

[2:30] Awww, group hug!

[2:15] Well, don’t hold us in suspense.

[2:00ish] Nice to see that the falcon’s good and all but I swear there is something up with that bird.

[1:53] DRAGON BOAT, DRAGON BOAT HELL YEAH

[1:20ish] “I feel there is more to you than meets the eye.” Having been spoiled on the whole “Zane’s a robot” thing, I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. And since I don’t want to spoil myself further, I imagine I’m going to be waiting a bloody long while until I know when that will happen. At least for now, it’s good to know Zane feels as though the people around him as his family. It’s nice.

[0:55ish] FOOD FIGHT! Round 2, baby!

[0:41] Goddammit, Lloyd.

[0:39ish] You’re kind of a brat, dude. Though… man, he doesn’t really have a family, does he? That’s gotta suck hard.

[sunrisung]

The Soulless and the Soulmateless 1 (Changbin x fem!Reader)

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3

↠Word count: 3.64k

↠Genre: soulmate!au ; angst

↠Requested: yes; 《Wow I took up a lot of courage to ask you to write something cause I didn’t want to bother you but can you write a Changbin fic where he smiles through whatever pain he’s going through kind of like 17’s Don’t Wanna Cry? so a little angsty but fluff or character development could work too》

↠Warnings: verbal & physical violence

↠A/N: Alright this took so long! I mixed this request with an idea I had for a long time, so this scenario turned into a soulmate!au. It’s going to have 3 parts, so brace yourselves~ I’m not actually very satisfied with how this turned but whatever. The last part is pretty sloppy in my opinion as I wrote it now until 1 am. Anyway, enjoy!

↠A/N 2: I accidentally deleted it when changing my computer theme akjfkdjn I’m sOrrY

“Mom?” called Changbin as he stepped on the wooden floor of the hallway, gripping his blue plushie in one hand. The little boy heard quiet sobs coming from his parents’ bedroom, so he slowly opened the door, only to reveal the crouched figure of his mother. “Mommy?”

His call was never answered. The sobbing only got louder, the mother throwing the letter she kept reading over and over again on the floor.

“B-Bin, go away,” she whispered, her gaze still fixated on her hands, which soon reached her face to cover it. The little boy only stepped further and crawled on the bed next to his mother. She shoved him away, turning this time to face him. Her face was so red, that little Changbin gulped. “I told you to go away!”

The boy hugged Gyu closer to his body and took a look at the messily written letter on the floor. He hadn’t learnt to read properly yet.

But he could still read the last word on the corner. 아빠 (Dad).

》》

“You look awfully similar to your father,” Changbin’s mother mumbled from her seat at the table. He had to get ready for going outside with his friends. “So similar, it utterly disgusts me.” The fifteen-year-old only closed his eyes and kept on ruffling his hair, arranging it afterwards. Changbin sticked in his earphones before his mother could comment anything again. It became one of his habits.

Several years after the incident, and it still haunts Changbin’s mind. He was too small to process what happened back then. All he could see was the mysterious absence of his father, and her mother’s growing hate for the little boy. He couldn’t understand why, but now he does.

Sitting down on his bed, Changbin opened one of the drawers of his nightstand. He kept playing with the piece of paper, moving it between his fingers, until he unfolded it. He still remembers how he accidentally found it years after his father’s disappearance and hid it in his nightstand.

The boy was disappointed. He lost count of how many times he read the letter, but he still couldn’t believe it was real. His father, also his mother’s soulmate, her destined one, left both the woman and his son because he preffered the lonely life. And ever since then, Changbin’s mother despised his son’s presence in the house. He reminded her of his father, and it hurt too hard.

However, the pain was all hidden deep in his soul. No one outside his little appartment knew about the struggles he went through. Not even his closest friends, whom he trusted more than himself. Not even his friends, who slowly turned into the best brothers Changbin could ever have. He couldn’t bring himself to open up, and he couldn’t help but feel guilty because of it.

He fooled his friends, and himself, too. The slightest trace of sadness was hidden with wide grins, no matter how much his heart was aching. The louder the voices got in his head, the louder his laugh was. It was a neverending cycle Changbin couldn’t break. He didn’t find enough power within himself to do it.

》》

“Ayo, Changbin!” Felix waved, smiling brightly at the jet black haired. He nodded, mimicking the younger’s smile and joined the others on their way to their classes. “What’s up?”

“Nothing new,” Changbin simply stated, turning his face to see Minho returning from his little chat with his friend. He waved at the boys and clung onto Jisung’s arm.

Changbin found it funny how everyone seemed to complete each other. Whenever he was out with the other eight boys, he felt safe. He felt at home. Whenever he spent time with them, he could feel his mind clear up a bit, and make room for happiness, too.

The hardest part at the end of the day was to return home. It was struggling to sneak through the house to even eat. It was doing homework with the music volume turned all the way up in his earphones, to cover either his own voices or his mother’s one.

“Binnie, you okay?” asked Minho. “You seem a little bit lost in your own thoughts.”

The boy blinked a few times and woke up to reality. There was no way he could let his true feelings get to the surface. “There’s nothing, really, I was sleeping so well before the alarm went off and I’m still half asleep,” he lied, earning an understanding look from the older.

“Man, me too!” Jisung suddenly barked, loud like usual. “That damn alarm only goes off when I reach the best part of my dreams!”

“Mind telling us one of your dreams, young man?” Chan cocked an eyebrow at the younger’s sudden mood change. Jisung slowly averted his gaze to the ground.

“Hyung, that wouldn’t be too appropiate,” he started and Woojin gasped, covering Jeongin’s ears.

“Jeongin and I need to get going, goodbye~” he hurriedly chirped, shoving the youngest away from the group. Changbin shook his head, finding his own lips curve into a smile. A geniune one, a smile that only his brothers could bring.

》》

Changbin’s head hung low, his eyes meeting the slightly dusty surface of his kitchen’s floor. “You’re hungry?” his mother asked, the boy’s heart aching at the obvious trace of sarcasm in her tone. “Go buy your own stuff, don’t expect me to do anything for you!”

He simply nodded, storming out of the room and of the small appartment to the nearest convenience store. He was lucky he kept the small amount of money he won a few weeks ago in a silly bet with Jisung, or else he would be either starving or stealing from the shop.

It didn’t ever happen to him to steal. But sadly, he considered it an option in extreme cases like this. Changbin kept wandering through the various isles, eyes darting different things. Yet none of them seemed to appeal him.

Sighing, he took the money out of his pocket and counted every bit of it. “I’d better save it than waste it, shouldn’t I?” he whispered to himself before stuffing the amount back in his pocket and leaving the convenience shop. He chose not to eat, and surprisingly his stomach got louder than his voices. It was, in an odd way, soothing that something other than music managed to cover the loud screams in his destructive mind.

He collapsed in his bed and called it a day. No matter how much he wanted to simply run away from everything, he remained in his desperate state. His heart was racing at several miles per hour, yet he somehow remained calm. In moments like this, the boy couldn’t even understand himself.

If not even him could descipher the weird feelings bottled up inside him, then who would? That’s why he thought opening up to someone would be completely pointless. He was nothing but a blur to himself; how could anyone else understand him if he couldn’t? Changbin has lost his trust in people, ever since both his parents betrayed him. Ever since his father left him physically, and his mother emotionally. He missed being loved, but reviewing his life in the past years made Changbin realise that happiness wasn’t meant to last long for him.

The black haired closed his eyes, taking in the darkness that his eyelids brought. An image of him meeting the other eight friends for the first time flashed through his mind, making his eyes open and stare at the ceiling.

It felt like yesterday. It was quite ironic how happy moments seemed to fly so fast. They passed in such a rapid pace, that Changbin almost couldn’t remember much of them. Instead, he wished cold, dreadful days wouldn’t pass so slow. It seemed like it was life’s intention to test the boy’s patience and limits, stretching them to an extent where he would break down and lose himself. They lasted so long, that Changbin was more than sure he couldn’t stay sane anymore. They kept burning, turning everything into ashes, yet remaining so vivid in his mind.

There were many times happy memories were easily covered with unpleasant ones. Geniune smiles were easily forgotten, as the numerous times the jet black haired cried alone, in his room, kept replaying over and over again. He hated himself for this. But, the more he tried to escape from this dark pit, the more he sank in it.

》》

“Will you stop screaming?” Minho growled at Jeongin, who was spinning and laughing and radiating with pure happiness.

“No, hyung, I met my soulmate!” he squealed, twirling a few more times before finally sitting down on the pavement next to the other boys. Everyone giggled at the younger, except for Changbin. He only kept quiet at the announcement.

No one apart from the principal knew about his father. Not a single one from his friends knew about his leaving, or about Changbin’s awkwardness when it came to soulmates. It was a sensitive topic to him, hence everything that happened in his family.

He didn’t find the soulmate keys interesting anymore. When he was small, he would often fantasize about him meeting his soulmate, but now his interest was completely gone. He was grateful he hadn’t even found out his soulmate key; maybe he didn’t have one.

“Congrats, little man!” Chan cheered, patting Jeongin’s back. “Now we have Changbin and Minho left,” he continued, eyeing the two.

‘I couldn’t care less,’ Changbin thought to himself, 'I’m still praying I don’t have one.’

And, to his dismay, the day he found out his soulmate key soon followed, only with a twist. His was a painful one, which only worsened his current state.

Chemistry class was always a boring one, except for the days they would do experiments. Otherwise, the theory was anything but interesting. Changbin was about to drift into sleep, trapped in his own train of thoughts when sudden pain could be felt coming from the back of his palm. He squealed, squirming in his seat at the growing bruise. Minho turned in his direction, eyeing the younger who stared in horror at the mysterious wound.

“Changbin-ah,” he whispered. “I think that’s your soulmate key.”

The black haired gulped. He banged his head on the desk, earning a few glares from people around him, but he was too lost to even notice. He patted the purplish skin, trying to cease the pain. That was it, the boy had a soulmate, and the thought couldn’t terrify him more.

He was grateful, though. Thinking more about his soulmate key, he came to a conclusion. After all, physical pain would feel nothing for him. He had never felt it, only when accidentally falling or bumping on corners of furniture, but he was more than sure it wouldn’t bother him as much as his thoughts did. Words stab deeper than a knife would.

What mattered was that his soulmate was safe. His soulmate was already protected from any form of pain, and Changbin couldn’t feel more grateful. The boy’s bruises weren’t physical, like his soulmate’s ones.

They were emotional.

》》

Seungmin glanced at Changbin’s head, staring intensely at the forming bruise. “Hyung, look!”

He turned, watching his own skin being painted in purplish blue shades. He sighed, patting the area, then returning to whatever Woojin was trying to say. Only this time his mind wasn’t with the others, it was far from the room, thinking deeply. Changbin tried to convince himself that maybe the wounds were accidental, but something inside him screamed that his soulmate couldn’t be that clumsy. He brushed off the thought, sitting up from his chair to head to the bathroom.

Changbin turned on the tap, splashing some cold water on his face. He still couldn’t manage to get rid of the sleepless nights, so it began a habit for him to make a trip to the bathroom every break. Glancing at the mirror, he gulped at the rosy mark on his cheek, which slowly turned into a purple one. He found himself patting the bruise, his sharp gaze softening at the thought of his soulmate getting hit. He then flinched, realising his sudden burst of care, and retracted his hand.

Changbin sank in his seat, listening to the information his geography teacher wanted to plant in his students’ minds. He felt slightly guilty that, among all of them, he couldn’t manage to focus on anything. Everything he heard seemed to get through an ear and leave through the other one, not even a slight bit sticking to his brain. His teacher’s voice soon couldn’t be even heard, as his own mind took over.

“Changbin,” the boy shot from his chair, his heart jumping from his chest with the sudden call. “Mind if you paid attention to what I’m teaching?”

“Yes, Mr. Kwon…” he mumbled, grabbing his pen to scribble down everything written on the blackboard. The teacher looked at his student, shaking his head slightly at his poor state.

》》

“I’m going out with Chan and Jisung,” Changbin’s voice was flat, as he stopped in front of his mother. She only scoffed and eyed him cautiously.

“Who told you you deserved to go outside?” she questioned, cocking an eyebrow at her son. He only sighed and tried to get past her and leave the house, but his limbs froze at her words. “Do you know how happy I am for your soulmate key?” his mother chuckled, taking a seat on a chair from the kitchen.

“What do you mean?” he asked sternly, locking his gaze with hers.

“I think life acknowledged my thin body,” she started, smiling, “I’m too weak to hit you, so I think life decided to take care of that and give you this soulmate key. Including a physically abused soulmate.”

Changbin gritted his teeth, gripping the side of his sweater tightly until his knuckles turned white. Indeed, his mother was right. That’s what he will only ever deserve, pain. The black haired nodded, lowering his head and stormed out of the house. He fished his phone out of his jeans pocket, dialling Jisung’s number.

“Hi, dude, is ev-”

“Jisung, would you mind if I stayed over at your place after we hang out?”

“No, sure, why would I? Is everything alright?”

“Yes.” he shortly replied and hung up after seeing Chan waving at him. He didn’t realise he was walking that fast, yet he already was at the bus stop where they were supposed to meet. Putting on his oh-so-familiar smile, Changbin joined the two and headed to the city centre.

Yes, he may deserve pain. He may be such a burden to his mother that he began to hate himself, too. But he couldn’t let his friends down, ever.

》》

“Holy f-” Jisung began, but was cut off when Changbin jumped from his side of the bed. “Hyung, go to the sink, quickly!” he yelled, sprinting around the house to find his first aid kit. The younger felt shivers running up his spine as images of Changbin’s arm bleeding kept flashing in his mind. Having that kind of soulmate key was completely terrifying to him.

Changbin cursed under his breath as he let the ice cold water run over his open cuts. He didn’t know why, but he felt tears stinging his eyes at the scene in front of him. It was intriguing for him that the physical pain was soon forgotten, his attention turning to the ache in his heart. He was behaving weirdly everytime he found a new bruise from the unknown person, but never to the extent where his insides felt uneasy. Changbin was worried, and with every second passing, he felt his heart beating faster for his soulmate, even though he promised himself to never get attached to a person like that. Seeing his own family shattered, he was afraid to even think of starting one. But he knew he couldn’t run away forever.

The younger came with the first aid kit, panting heavily as he opened it and grabbed Changbin’s arm. “Changbin-ah,” Jisung cooed while gently clearing the blood. “What did you do to deserve this?” he mumbled, eyes fixated on the wounds.

Changbin only inhaled. He couldn’t break down, he didn’t want to, but he was on the verge of tears as soon as he heard the younger’s question. The words kept repeating in his mind, until the black haired dropped his head and bit his lip harshly to stop it from quivering. “Hyung?”

Jisung stopped and stared at the boy in front of him. He noticed something was off, and sighed when the older wasn’t saying anything. After wrapping his arm, Jisung lifted Changbin’s head, his breath hitching at the sight of the boy almost crying. He pulled him into his embrace, and that was when Changbin couldn’t hold in his emotions anymore. He let them spill and ruin the younger’s shirt, while his hands found their way to Jisung’s back. He was holding onto him like he was afraid of losing him.

Truth be told, Jisung was the first person to ever see Changbin shedding tears, let alone breaking down into sobs. “It’s okay, Changbin hyung,” he whispered, his hand moving soothingly on his back as he tried to calm the older down. “It’s okay.”

If only Jisung knew about all his struggles. If only Jisung knew about the craving for death Changbin felt while being home. If only Jisung knew about the desire Changbin had to simply run away and never come back again. He didn’t know any of these, believing his sudden break down was because of the soulmate key. But it wasn’t.

》》

Changbin coughed loudly while looking for cereal in his kitchen. His mother turned to the crouching figure of his son, smirking as the boy clutched at his stomach. “See?” she began as Changbin coughed again and squeezed his eyes shut. “I didn’t believe there would be another scum like you in the world. And it seems like life wants to get rid of both of you.”

“Fuck off, mom.” he muttered, still grabbing at his sweater. Changbin tried to ignore the annoyed expression on her face, this being the first time he cursed in front of his mother, and slammed the cereal box on the kitchen counter. After grabbing his bowl to leave to his room, he almost dropped it. “I hope you die as soon as possible, Changbin. I lost all my happiness because of you and your stupid damn father.”

He closed the door quietly, placing the bowl on his desk. Changbin then patted his stomach, sitting on his bed and opening his nightstand’s drawer. He only looked at the folded letter his father left, and then looked back to his bruises.

Lifting up his shirt and throwing it on the mattress, the black haired looked in the mirror. Small cuts and purple bruises were sprinkled everywhere on his stomach and sides, making the boy sigh deeply and pat each one of them in a gentle manner.

“Don’t worry, soulmate,” he began, feeling a pang at his chest as he spoke with a small voice. “I-I’ll never be like dad.”

He turned to his bowl of cereal, munching on it while thinking of a way to escape for that day. He smiled lightly, placing the bowl down between the mess of his books and plopped in his bed. Changbin missed getting naps, and the unbearable itch in his eyes only helped him to fall asleep faster, while caressing the cuts on his arm.

He shot up from his bed after seeing the clock going past seven in the evening. It began to get dark outside, as several street lamps shone and bathed the small neighbourhood in light. Changbin ran a hand through his hair, quietly opening his door to get to the kitchen again. As he entered the cramped room, he inhaled the smell of smoke and alcohol coming from his mother. “Mom, did you drink?”

She only smirked, making Changbin step back cautiously. The woman giggled at his vulnerable state, stepping forward after stubbing out her cigarette. It didn’t take Changbin longer than a second to rush out of the kitchen and then out of the house.

He wandered along the deserted streets, mindlessly humming a song which got stuck in his mind. The boy didn’t even notice when he got to the end of the city, lying against a tree. He stuffed his hands in his pocket, looking in front of him as though he was searching for anything to distract him from his mind. His eyes only met darkness, slightly faded by traffic lights which shone in the distance.

His wrist started burning, as if someone gripped tightly at it, but then the pain disappeared in a second. Changbin glanced down at his now trembling hands and balled them into a fist. He closed his eyes, finally taking in the peace of the surroundings, when the faint sound of steps flooded his ears.

The boy’s eyes widened at the fast pace of the steps, getting ready to defend himself. A shorter body bumped into his, both of them screaming in fear. The startled look in their eyes somehow managed to calm them down.

In front of Changbin, a girl panted heavily. “What the fu-”

“Quick, go!” she only whisper yelled, pushing the black haired further into the darkness. The boy didn’t understand the rush, but didn’t hesitate to do as told. They finally stopped when the only sound they could hear was crickets hopping in the grass.

“Ran away?” Changbin asked calmly, observing the younger’s features. She was wearing a long sleeved shirt and jeans.

“F-from them,” she mumbled, meeting her gaze with Changbin’s, who only furrowed his eyebrows.

“Them?”

“The soulmateless. They’re chasing me.”

[Part 2]

[queengeekrose]

Setbacks and Mental Health

As some of you know, I started streaming on Twitch last summer, in July, as a way to help me manage my mental health and deal with some of my issues that I have because I'm almost completely housebound. Being housebound like I am means I have very little interaction with other people, except online, and what I do have tends to be limited to doctors and other people who are also ill, or to people who are seeing me in a very limited set of circumstances, most of which are not positive, and people tend to judge me rather harshly for, for a variety of reasons. It makes my introverted nature and extreme shyness and social anxiety a lot harder to deal with, especially since I hear a lot of very rude comments whenever I go out, because I have very good hearing, and sadly, I am far too used to hearing this type of thing. I've been hearing abusive comments thrown at me since I was old enough to understand words, from one person or another. Most of them I can just let roll off my back, but some bother me, a lot. I get triggered, in the true meaning of the word, by some of the comments and I start to backslide into mental health issues that are scary and it can take days, week, or even longer to pull myself back out of those pits. I haven't really talked about it with anyone online, honestly, but maybe I should. Maybe I should bare my soul and be honest about what happened to me over time, instead of just hinting at things and letting people draw their own conclusions. It might help me deal with things too. I'm not really sure.

Some of the things I've taked about in my writing, extensively, happened to me. Others I drew from experiences I helped others get through. All of them however do have more than a large helping of truth to them, when I was describing the hardships of abuse, mental torture, rape, violence, kidnapping (someone I knew in college was grabbed by an ex and held against her will for about six days, she was extremely traumatized and had to leave school because of it by the end of the semester and ended up moving in with me for a few weeks before that, because she felt safer around me than anyone else), eating disorders, anxiety and panic attacks, and painful shyness. I have even talked a bit about PTSD in my stories, and ADHD. All of these things I'm pulling from my own experience, to make my writing as real and human as possible, even though I'm trying to write a character other people can relate to as well. What I'm trying to do is flesh out enough realism to give 'you' a backstory without taking over whatever headcannon you are creating for yourself in the story, when I do that, so I borrow very heavily from my own experiences to keep the experience geniune and grounded. I want thing to be so real you can picture them vividly in your head and immerse yourself, not get lost because something seems inauthentic or wrong, so I tend to pour myself into the writing, more and more, as time goes on. And it's somewhat cathartic too, to a degree, to write about some of the issues I've been through. Don't misunderstand me in anyway please. It's still extremely hard to think about to talk about with anyone and still feels like an open and bleeding stab wound most days, but maybe now it feels like the knife has been removed and the bleeding has slowed a bit, to the point it's not so dangerous anymore. I can cope with things a lot better, most of the time. My writing gave me a lot of my mental piece of mind back.

And then I found streaming and the online communities on Discord and Twitch. This really turned around a lot more then. I had suffered a major mental setback when my father died, even though we were estranged, for a variety of reasons, and mental health had reached an all time low. I went to a doctor and started some new medicines, which helped, slowly, and after about four months on them, I was able to function somewhat normally again a bit. That's when I found Twitch and really threw myself into streaming, modding, and Discord, communicating with people that way. It helped me pull myself back out a lot faster and basically reset my mental health meter to normal much more quickly and stay balanced, with fewer slips. I still had a few day to day struggles with things, like remembering to eat, something I had gotten out of the habit of doing much of, or really at all, when my mood swung started to slip. It had been nearly a year, really, since I had eaten normally, if I'm being honest. That means, as of writing this, in February of 2019, it's been over two years of me having little to no appetite, often skipping meals or forcing myself to eat just one meal a day. I had a lot of medical treatments in there too that made me nauseated and I threw up anything I did eat. Sadly, I never lost a large amount of weight and I am still rather overweight. I did lose some, not that I was really trying to at any point, I just haven't had the appetite or desire to eat anything and facing for often seems like too much for me.

Twitch helped me find people with similar interests and helped me find new areas I was able to absolutely shine in. It didn't matter that my legs didn't work normally, I had a natural talent for keeping communities in line as a moderator on streams for other people. So what if I was a bit overweight? I could make badges and emotes that people liked. Who cared if I struggled with shyness in person? The internet was a great buffer and it meant I never actually saw who I was talking to directly in my streams. I was just talking to names. And yes, sadly I did get trolls. But not that many really, compared to a lot of women I've talked to. I figured it was just soemthing I'd have to live with. Mostly I got them early in my streaming career and they came in and heckled me about my weight, I kicked them out and it was over, I moved on, no harm no foul. I mostly even forgot about them pretty immediately. They didn't leave any lasting impact on me because as I said, I've been hearing that kind of comment, or ones like it all my life.

The trolling I got last week on Wednesday night was different though. For the first time ever it was very sexual in nature. It made me extremely uncomfortable. There were three trolls involved as well. The first was fairly harmless, just egging the second on, who I warned several times, then timed out and eventually banned. The third crossed several lines and has caused me so much emotional and mental distress I have been struggling with severe relapses of my major depressive disorder, PTSD, and even dissociating, which my family doesn't know about. I don't know how to tell them about it. They think it's just me spacing out or my mind wandering, not that I'm literally unable to answer and I lose chunks of time, even if I've answered. I didn't even realize I had been dissociating again until a friend told me he had said things to me and I couldn't recall any of those conversations, nor most of the evening really. I realized I had large gaps in my memory of what had been going on with small breaks in the fog that were clear, what usually happend when I'm having my episodes, and I knew I had to do something. I had to take a step back. I don't dissociate unless something is seriously wrong, obviously.

Now, I'm sure all of you are wondering just what happpened that triggered me so badly that night. I'll explain. First, those two trolls shook me up pretty badly. Like I said, I'm extremely introverted and streaming is already a struggle for me a lot of the time, even if I put on a good front and can act like it's no big deal. Inside, I'm terrified. It wears be down and wears me out. Dealing with trolls in my own stream is hard on me. (On other people's channels, I have no problems, when I'm the mod. I know it's my job and they trust me to handle things.) Secondly, there was a later troll who came into the stream who sent me a direct message, without ever addressing the stream, asking me personal questions like what I was wearing, then trying to buy my panties for insanely large amounts of money. That triggered my PTSD very badly. In college, I had had a guy attempt to sexually assulat me and call me a whore, offering me increasing large amounts of money, much the same way. I only got away because I kicked him off me and screamed for campus security, who heard me and hauled him off. I never told my family about it, mainy because I hate talking about it and don't want to bring it up. I will say though, I don't think he was getting up quickly from my kick at the time. It was before I was in a wheelchair and I had a very powerful set of legs and actively practiced kickboxing. But regardless of that, it triggered me very, very badly the other night, and I'm still suffering occassion episodes. I have a doctor's appointment scheduled very soon, and I intend on talking to her about what to do then, if things haven't gotten back to normal by then, but in the mean time, I'm immersing myself in my usually stress relieving activities and taking a short break from Twitch and twitter to get my mental health back in order.

Sadly one of the side effects of all the mental health issues I struggle with is terrible insomnia. It means many nights I'm unable to sleep, or sleep only a few hours. I know it makes my friends and family worry, but I can't help it. It's all my brain is letting me get. I nap when I can. If I try to sleep more, I have horrible, terrifying nightmares and sleep paralysis. I also just can't sleep. I'm really trying to do my best here everyone. Please know that. I appreciate the worry. Just know I'm still here, struggling on, one day at a time. That's the real meaning behind #PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) after all. Just doing my best, moving forward a day at time and not giving up. It's also why I try to pay it forward as much as I can and make sure everyone else is happy and taken care of too. Stay safe and happy everyone. I love you all!

QueenGeekRose

[itsthestargazer]

September 7, 2021

1:43 AM

tonight, i kinda feel guilty for playing the game ziv taught me. i know and i feel his sincerity but when i remember how he destroyed me, my conscience says no. my mind keeps telling me that he deserves this game. he all started this shit. i was very geniune and loyal to him yet he fucked over. now that life turned tables, i kinda wanna do the same. on the other hand, gusto ko na lang kumawala sakanya. i don't know. im just tired dealing with his own shit. im so used to his own drills and done to his own dramas. everytime im losing my temper kasi nga naiirita ako sakanya, nakakainis kasi nahahandle nya pa rin. not being marupok but what he recently do is say sorry kahit wala siyang ginagawang mali. kahit ako na yung madalas na nag aattitude at iritado sakanya dahil sa kakulitan nya at sa pagiging needy nya, sha pa rin yung nag ssorry. medyo nakakakonsensya kasi di naman talaga ako ganito kaso deserve nya rin mahirapan. walang wala pinag daanan ko sakanya.

one more mistake, i swear i would take that opportunity to leave. mashado akong mabait tangina ako na yung nawasak, iniisip ko pa rin kung pano sha kapag wala ako kahit di ko na sha mahal. call me toxic bitch, i dont give a damn fuck. he turned me into this. he must blame himself.

[ramonaflowersflowers]

“This love came back to me.”

I remember how I fell hard with my highschool friend. Like how there were no days she never crossed my mind. Even on my board exams, I thought of her, whatever the fuck she's doing or if she prays for me to not think of anything else but to focus on the exams. Those nights when it was hard that I wish the feeling would just disappear because I could not ever tell her. Because I am afraid that I cannot take it back and afraid of the backlash. That I might lose her despite of yearssssss we have been close and all. She was one the people who encourage me to be something. One of the few who truly cared about me, and I was scared to think that everything that we have built will be blown just because I love her in a different way. Not like the friendly/sisterly type she does with me. I was head over the fucking heels in love that I kept it for a long time. Through highschool, through college and my early days of adult life. I love her sincerely. And I thought to myself back then that I would never love anyone again. Or I wasn't sure if I could love again after her. If I could love as much as I did with her. Because boy, she was the love of my life. And my young self was a hell of a lot sure about that. I was foolishly inlove. I may have look on some other boys and girls but she was always the end game. I always go back to her. My feelings for her was bigger and tougher than any mountain. She was my home. She was the shore, and I am tha waves that's crashing in going back to her. She was the only one who makes me feel things. Butterflies on my stomach, those little fast little beats of my heart, how my mind go crazy when I miss her and her touch on my skin was electric. She was the only who had that effects on me. And she was my constant wish. That for a moment she loves me back. It was a burden harboring all this unrequited love for years. It was tough. And I was hurt a thousand times more than I was happy. But that one in a thousandth time of happiness was worth every bit of suffering. Just a smile on her face, makes it all worth it. I never wanted to be anywhere else more than to be by her side, even just a friend. I have taken it whole heartedly, because I would never go for nothing. I want her in my life and I want to be in hers. I was grateful for that. But like all good things, it faded. I don't know when was the beginning of the end. I forgot how I loved her. I woke up one day, and it didn't hurt that we are only friends. It didn't hurt when I see her with another. It didn't hurt that she wasn't the first one to greet me on my birthdays. It didn't hurt when we were falling apart. And that's when I knew my fire burning passion of love for her have gone to ashes. I still love her though, she will always have a special place in my heart. She was after all, my first love. But I don't think I love her with the same intensity as before. I don't think I see her the same way anymore. I don't know really, maybe time and circumstances. But my love for her went like just a puff of smoke. My love for her that was once as heated as the sun, has exploded to nothingness. Even before she can know, I killed it. But I hope to tell her someday. I hope she doesn't react like what my younger self expected. The reason why I never said it, you know, is because I think she'll hate me. I hope she doesn't. I hope she won't be mad just because I tell her too late. I hope we can still be friends and laugh about it. I hope we can be friends wholly, and not other shit like unrequited love going on. Because I miss being a geniunely good friend because I fell in love with her. And it complicates everything. But I really hope someday, I can tell her how she broke and mended my little young heart.

/0424/

[astownd]

So lets start off with in the ends it is all completely and utterly my own fault.I should have been able to see the signs. I should have been a better person, friend, fiance, man, and most importantly a dad.

Where do I even begin?

I felt like I worked so hard for my family I was creating in my own way, making money in my own way. Got a house with the beautiful mother of my little boy, things were good for awhile, than rough, than covid, than bad. But before that we lived in an apartment, and the things i was doing and the substances (alcohol and adderal) were my coping mech. I would stay up for days, not eat, constantly trying to make every dollar I could to make sure we had a place to live freely. ( we both grew up in not so good broken homes). She made little mistakes one that completely don’t matter and are way overlooked, love her with all my heart. 

but the drugs and alcohol started getting to me, i became irritable constantly, never wanted to leave, hated everyone. I was always mad, always needed my way. Than I cheated once and thank god that she took me back even after that. Honestly she did a ton and most of all the work. She is one of the most dedicated and hard working woman/mothers I have ever come acrossed. She never stops making sure our son has everything he needs plus more, working constant hours at terrible jobs, sometimes with terrible people. I didnt see the stress it was putting on her, the constant cries for just down time for herself, or her need to want to go out and do things. I held her inside and caged away. ( not literally lol) I really should have been showing her off and paying for her countless nights to go out and have fun with her friends because honestly she fucking deserves and deserved it. I couldn’t be any happier that, that woman is the mother to OUR beautiful little boy. After my first few mistakes I just started tumbling downhill. Never stopped making them. I am so fucking sorry and truly dislike the person i became over all of it. After all that we had our son, and we put down a down payment on a home. We moved in things were good for awhile, than rough because of my laziness and lack of will to do anything ever. It was a mixture of that but also a mix of me actually being comfortable where I was at for once in my life. I finally had a place I could call a home, I FINALLY HAD A REAL family I could call my own. So i just got more lazy, I just began to lackadiscally relax all the time and do nothing, didn’t help unpack, barely got stuff done around the house. The stress built on her alot, and I saw it. She wanted me to get a job, a real job. So I would be a man. And I agree with her, I was not a man, and honestly probably still not, but I am trying to be for our son. I wish her too but I know I lost that part of me. She would come home and just want to relax, but would have to cook and take care of our son. She needed time alone but also out, and I never gave her either. Im so dumb for alot of things, but honestly losing her has to be by far the dumbest thing I could have done besides trying to take my own life after the fact. I wish we could have fixed it, I wish we could have communicated better. We both have mental issues, more me than her by far, and hers were probably caused by me in the end. But we got super bad right around christmas time, real bad, i was basically staying upstairs in my gaming room, my clothes were in the dressers anymore, they were up there. But like two weeks prior of one of the worst days of my life, things started to seem almost better. We were getting along again, I was seeing a smile in her face that I haven’t seen in so long. I feel so deeply, and honestly from the start of our relationship/ friendship her smile has always been my most fav thing about her. She even came an said to me “ why don’t you put your clothes back in the dresser, you have a family here, and we love you” because we got into an agruement over me being constantly needy and clingy. I was begging for her attentions for months but I didnt realize she didnt want to give it to me because I wasnt a man but I also was just ruining her along the way.  So that night I didn’t move my clothes becasue it was late, but I got off the couch went downstairs and got into bed with my beautiful family. A week or two passes. I could tell she was being a little off. and at night one night she looks over to our son while were all in bed together and says I think daddy and I are better just as friends. Right away I teared up and began to cry because im so broken down at this point but purely because of my own causes. She says to me “ what you dont like the sounds of beings just friends” I said no, I love you, and so much more. She didn’t want to hear it, she didnt want to give me an ultimatum, or tell me what I had to work on. But she was in the complete right by far. So I eventually get quiet roll over and fall asleep crying. the next early morning I wake up to her flustered trying to pee. Our son wakes up so easily, so immediatley he gets up and follows her to the bathroom, its probably 630 am so Im dead asleep. I wake up and go right to the bathroom and she yells at me because she can’t go pee alone ever. In no mean tone or nothing I just said baby wake me up and Ill grab him for you anytime, and immediatley it started a fight because of the lurking thing from the night before. She said that we were toxic, that if we continued to be together now and longer that we couldn’t fix it and that we would always stay toxic. Clearly I didnt agree with that, begged and pleaded. It turned into the most heated agruement I have probably ever been in with some I have loved. I regret everything rotten and mean thing I said in my angry judgement. I didn’t mean any of it. I love every part of that woman, still even after all the things that have happened. and that she has maybe or maybe not done. But I was kicked out that day with nothing but my computer, xbox, wallet, monitor, and a handful of clothes. That is the day I LOST EVERYTHING my entire world. My entire dream, everything I began to strive but also wanted in my life. A home, a family, a beautiful wife, mother, and children. I went into a complete and utter psychotic break and was nuts. still am. I made her life hell, I scared her, I threatened her with taking our son away from her. So many things I did not mean but I would never do. Our son needs both of us, but most imnportantly he needs his mother. She worked and works so hard for him day in and day out and takes such good care of him. Sorry I needed to let it out somewhere, everyone near just says go fuck someone go do this. BUT NONE OF THAT is going to make me feel better, none of that is going to bring back my family, none of that is going to even help progress, if anything it would make things worse. So I sit and I remain forever loyal to who I would love to call my fiance still.  But where I wanted to get at is WHAT the actual FUCK do you do when you lose EVERYTHING.She was my bestfriend, my everything, honestly probably the only reason geniune person I had in my life for a really long time so It was even worse, I had noone to turn to. No where to go. Noone wanted me . Noone wants me. I was just angry bringing everyone down around me after. Constantly drinking and just being stupid. Im really trying to get a better handle on things now though for my son. What kills me the most is before we had Wesser bean, she got preg before and had a miscarrage. Which kills both of us mentally, but more her than anything. That is her body, and that beautiful child was growing inside of her. We weren’t going to try again for the sake of our sanities after that. But on some of our long talking nights with one another we agreed that we wanted to try again, we wanted a family. But we promised to each other that we would never NO matter what let our children grow up like we did. In a broken home, a broken family. I want my son to be able to wake up next to his mother and father every living day and be able to enjoy all his little ups and downs. But I ruined that. I caused everything, I am the reason I lost everything. I am still so utterly confused and dont know where to go or what to do. My mind is always worrying about those two because they arent in arms reach and I cant be there quick enough. I still worry about her a ton even though everyone tells me I shouldn’t but that was my best freaking friend from almost the instant she curved me the first time. Thats the woman I loved, the woman I wanted to marry, the one I called fiance, but most importantly the mother to our child. So I will never stop worrying, or caring about it. I wish I had anyone, anyone that wouldn’t just push me off, or just give me some petty advice to go do some petty stuff like its going to slap her in the face? No becauses it not, she doesn’t love the piece of poop I am, nothing is going to slap her beautiful face. I would give anything to go back, fix some mistake, and be a man for them. Honestly I over think, thats my biggest issue. I love this girl to death, and I know im not adequate and she hasn’t had time to have fun or do the things she wanted too. But no matter what she has done, said, did, or didn’t do I would probably still take it like a grain of salt and do anything to immediately be back in her home, what I used to call home with them. To be a man, to be better. To be a dad. To be everything. Her and my son are my only lights, without them I just see darkness and it consumes me and just makes me want to do nothing, but it should burn a fire in me. I want them near by, cheering me on, but also helping me steer back onto the right path when im going astray. Its been three months now since I have been home, Since I have been able to sleep next to my son and wake up to his little smiling face. To be able to feel the warmth and hear my best friends voice on a daily basis. Shit three months since I have even slept on a mattress. about 2 months ago I took a estimated count of 32-45 pills of multiple different varieties. From pain killers, to adderal, to anti depressants, and sleeping pills. All one big mix. Got stupid drunk on top of it and tried taking my own life. I went to go lay down finally about an hour after I finished all the pills because I didnt feel well. The second my head hit the pillow I started throwing up really bad. I could not stop, I could not breathe. And the whole time All I could see Is my sons face. crying. not knowing where I went, What happened. Or why I was such a coward I would do that. about 5 minutes into me hurling I started to really not be able to breathe, I almost couldn’t choke the words out from the back of the trailer, I screamed as hard as I could from an ambulance. My mom came running in and looked at me and asked seriously If i needed it or not. I looked back and told her I would die if she didn’t. She called, I ended up waking up 3-6 hours later in a hospital bed completely and utterly confused but so fucking ashamed. They had a therapist or someone in there waiting for me to wake up, I guess I said somethings in my delusions of substance. But about after 15 minutes of talking to him and him seeing my sit. He looked at me told me they pumped my stom, and that If I didnt make that call My son wouldn’t have a father. Hearing him say that still kills me. I messed up big that time. they released me within 25 minutes of waking me up. no shoes, no shirts, puke covered pants, no cell phone at 630 am. What a wonderful hospital right? Try to take my life and they save it, but let me go just like I was nothing. I got to a near by store called for a ride and waited. Showed up home at my moms more ashamed and more sad because of yet another terrible choice I made. Tonight is the first night aubs have let me have our son alone for a time period. And for a solid 15 minutes I Couldn’t stop but also wanting to apologize so much to my son. He just came up to me gave me a big wesser hug, layed on me, and let me sing to him for 30 mins just like mummy used to do so he could fall asleep.  I never felt a love like I do for my boy, loving a human like aubrey is wonderful and beyond one of a kind, but loving your child and their love back is something words alone cannot describe. I can’t ever be so sorry that I ever tried that, that I ever would do that to my son. He deserves so much better. I am slowly trying tho too. Not alot of people know because noone cares and I just want to be alone but I scraped together the last remainder of any cash or any value I had left and got 4k. Didn’t sell our wedding ring or anything for that money. (its worth is 4.2-5.5k) I be holding onto that thing like its my life, I constantly catch myself grabbing it and wearing it still like a loser lol.Went and looked at a little trailer today, needs gutted almost, decent amount of work. Guy was asking 4k. with the work it needed I went balls deep said 2, he hit me with 2.5k If the mobile home park accepts my background check hopefully Ill finally have a little place I can lay my head. Its been a rough three months, homeless I would say, couch hopping, place to place. I am done now. I am fed up with myself but with everyone and everything around me. I need to be better for my son, so this is my start and my little way I guess. I have been applying countless places, All I want to do is dive all my time into some form of work/ works and be alone unless my son ( his mother included one could wish) is the company. My bills would be utterly dumb cheap. I just want to work and help her out to provide but keep the beautiful home she chose for her future family. I want to be able to make sure I can reassure her she won’t lose that roof, or that she can go out and eat, or wes can have that toy. She works to damn hard to lose it. It was like a movie too, third house on the realtors listings. We walk through the front door threshold, immediate second she turned around with the smile I fell inlove with and said this is the one. AND BY god when this woman says she wants something or is going to do something, she fucking does it, does it well, sticks it to ya, and does it kick. Immediately she got an offer in and she got her home. I’ll never be able to fix the mistakes and wrongs I did. Never be able to give back all the time and tears and heartache I caused her and her family countless times. But I want to be able to be part of my sons life, to atleast try to atone for the terrible things I did. I want 0 pity by the way. This was soley for me. For me to let stuff out. I will forever love aub snuffalfugus. and of course our beautiful boy Wesley. I would do anything, give anything, forgive and forget anything this second to see her walking up to me holding our little man and say “does daddy wanna come home” or “ dad come home” or “ i think its time dad comes home”. I understand I never will get that chance and by far I never will get that chance. I understand I did this, I created this, and I am the one to blame. I pray to god every night that maybe right now just wasn’t the exact time or what we needed. That he will lead our path back together one day. I see glimmers of hope in dumb things, but thats my over thinking. I love that freaking beautiful furrowed browed woman and our son so much. and with me being gone, I can’t tell if shes struggling, I can’t tell if she cares, I can’t tell if she thinks about us, our old family, or the things that happened. She has such a good poker face, shes so good at holding things in. But she has been glowing, has been looking more beautiful than ever with her hair all curly and down. She is constantly in her phone texting and smiling, and when I say that I in no form care who or about what, I care that the fact that the smile is there and its the real one. She seems happier, healthier, and more together than ever and I hope that its not a front, not that it matters because shes a strong ass mom and she kicked thru it. I love seeing her happy. I love seeing her look good. i absolutely adore the fucking smile. I am trying to come to terms that maybe I wasn’t the right one, That I couldn’t make her happy, but I was placed there to get her through a time , but also for her to have our beautiful son. Now that he has come, she has seen that I wasn’t much of really anything, so she bettered herself. But even if shes not with me, as long as she is safe, our son is safe, they have a warm roof above their heads, and full tummies than I can’t complain. That is what im striving for. To just be able to simplify their lifes but to see her smile again, and I have been seeing it and she rockkkkk that shit. Everytime I see her I get into my feelings, but tonight hit me for some reason. Tonight really had/has me thinking. Forever stay our beautiful little chunk Wesser. I love you both. 

ok done word vommiting, think im ready to cry if off in the shower lmao. 

[lifeprotologism]

To me if/when I will return to these posts

Don’t be too hard on yourself and/or think of yourself as weird. Everything I have written and clicked away has been a process, a pathway to recovery. I captured my thoughts, feelings and all emotions as they arose. To anyone else, it would be “just give up already” but to you, it is part of our learning process.

I can be such a cow to myself! So mean and cruel and I’m sure, I’d be judgmental of my thoughts or myself, but that’s just who I am. I hope my much older self is more compassionate and empathetic. I hope I don’t make a mockery of my current misery and saddness.

I’ve never been treated this way and that’s probably why I have been so confused. Sometimes there was heaps of love, and at times, so much hatred. It was always to the extreme ends and I never found a balance to hold onto my sanity. My memories haunt me. It asks me to make sense of what I am feeling, what I felt, what I think happened and what actually happened. I’m confused by the turn of events and I’m more confused by her current behavior. Just a month ago, we were chatting and getting used to each other. But one unknown turn of events and she didn’t acknowledge my birthday. I know, she knew that her message was the one I was waiting for and honestly, for a few days I sulked and was pissed. I realised that last year she wished me cos it was a milestone and this year wasn’t important to her. A day that is important to me doesn’t mean anything to her. At that point, I realised, I am not important to her anymore. What I feel for her isn’t as temporary as what she felt for me. Yes! Of course, she will come up with some crazy ass respond that it was better for me that she didn’t contact etc etc and that’s why she didn’t think She should write to me. She will have all the reasons to justify and I no longer want to know them. The day has passed and moments have gone. I can’t expect her to make me happy! So I decided that I won’t expect anything from her and I treated myself. I can buy anything I want but it’s really the thoughts and memories that I collect are precious to me. When she told me she was going through her personal challenges, my first thought was how could I help her, what can I do! Knowing that she won’t let me be near her, I prayed. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have told her but you know what, I just wanted her to know how much I care. But she.. oh no! She is something else. There is a sinister thought, diabolical to be honest! If she knew I was waiting for her message, she won’t send it! Because those two words (happy birthday) would have given me happiness and there is no way her heart could see a smile on my face! Heaven forbid if she spared a moment for me. And this sunk so deep. It brought a lot of buried memories and I looked at myself in the mirror one day and told myself “you are never going to expect anything from that selfish person. Your instincts and feelings were correct. You were not crazy! She did make things difficult for you”. For someone who has always been so logical and practical, I couldn’t have acted as such. So out of character! And most importantly, I’m not going to give her the pleasure of accusing me of living with Amit when I was in Darwin anymore. Whoever told her, whatever she believes, it’s all on her. I’ll just agree to everything now simply because I won’t let her stupidity cloud my mind or give her the pleasure of arguing with me. In fact, I won’t give her any pleasure, time or memory of me from now on.

Once her ex (aka BFF, housemate, co-financier) told me that Ju has a tendency to chase after someone and when she gets them, she loses interest. I didn’t even imagine that it would apply to me. And then I read and saw videos of what Ju is currently going through and realised just how true her ex was!! When I was not interested, she pursued and then, when I started to like her, whe would be irritated and fight with me. Her ex told me a lot of things which I disregarded. She told me that she was territorial and I didn’t think much of it other than just her crazy words but when I saw how she reacted, I realised that you can’t hide your feelings for too long. The same was with her, Ju couldn’t hide her feelings that’s why she was all over her ex.. and they disregarded my feelings. I honestly at one point thought I had imagined seeing and hearing things. I’m glad they now have each other. I felt so bad for Ju. She had to lie to me constantly to hide that she was with her ex. Everyone told me but she continued to lie to me. Now, she doesn’t need to. They go everywhere together. I was told that they go everywhere together and in one of her videos, she did say that “it’s her first international solo trip”! All those times of me arguing that she was lying to me, she denied it .. lol! I’m not mad at her for lying. People lie all the time. I’ve only ever been sad by her cruelty and horrible treatment towards me. All I wanted was someone to be polite and communicate with me. But I guess she couldn’t help but be the person she truly was.

True to self

I figured out I was gay when I met her and for a long time, truly believed that she was the one for me. Co-parenting Yuvaan, I was honest with Amit about my feelings and over a period of time, I surpressed what I was feeling. I agreed when he asked me to marry him because I was logically thinking that it will make everyone happy. To be honest, living with him, I forgot what marriage meant because we have been such good friends over the years, I thought everything will continue like that but marriage is a different ball game. When reality came, I instantly knew that I cannot be with him and I’ve never met anyone who was such a good sport about this. When I told him that I was sorry and thought I could do this, that I geniunely wanted him to be happy but he doesn’t deserve this sacrificed love and deserves real love with someone who would love him back, he took it on with a brave heart. I explained that he can always have me as a friend but I will never be able to love him back, he hugged me and said he still remained the luckiest person on earth because I said yes to him! He said overtime, he has realised that all I consider him is just a friend and he understands me. He was supportive of me being gay and as usual, joked about it. I know he will support me when the time is right.

My parents, sisters, brothers and the rest of my family consider me not normal and pray that whatever is wrong with me can one day be fixed. They think counseling and maybe prayers will help me. They honestly think it’s some sort of sickness that can be fixed! Lol! I’m actually no longer offended by it. Atleast they know what I feel and I can’t expect them to understand. I’m not going to impose my thoughts on them or anyone. If they ask me to pray for good clean thoughts and fast on thursdays - I’ll do it. Prayers never harmed anyone.

What makes me happy and free is that I don’t have to hide who I am. I don’t flaunt it either. What I feel is my business and I manage my circumstances considering my son and family - having only them in mind. Nothing else matters anymore and I hope one day, I find a person I can introduce to my crazy family and my bestest & dearest friend (also my crazy ex husband, co-parenting with me and living with me). I get it that it’s a lot to take for someone but with the right person, it will all work out and I’m sure we will strike a balance. In the meantime, I won’t give my precious time to people who purposely hurt me because they hate me. I’ve already given some people time when they didn’t deserve a moment from me.

[xmelodiious-archive]

( So I just hit 600 followers and this couldn’t have come at a more ironic time, it actually feels quite bittersweet because I’m abandoning this blog.. I love Rosa but truth is, if I stay here I’m going to lose her forever so I’m sorry to keep moving blogs but for those still interested in my baby girl, she will now be moved to XPURIITY — I just thought before I leave, why not hit two birds with one stone (ps. Rosa hates this proverb so much) and show some appreciation to the ones who stuck around with me for this long  )

art credit

                                                            ´*•.¸(*•.¸♥¸.•*´)¸.•*´

                ♥«´¨`•°.. ησтнιηg уσυ cσηƒєѕѕ cσυℓ∂ мαкє мє ℓσνє уσυ ℓєѕѕ ..°•´¨`»♥              ( the treasure I’d carry over fire and water because I know they’d do the same )

 @a-s-ced​

My partner in crime, my best friend, my soul mate, my star ♡ where do I even begin with you and how in the world could I possibly keep this short? I think I’ll start at the very beginning, before I even knew you, I always hoped you would someday become someone special to me, they say soulmates’ hearts resonate at the same frequency and I suppose in my heart I just knew.. and now that you did become the most special, it’s hard to imagine a life when you weren’t. You are the calm to my panic, the joy to my laughter and are the most selfless person I’ve ever known and I would know because that kind heart of yours is something I get to experience firsthand before anyone else and it has never failed to protect me. I heard in a tv show once that if we’re lucky we get to have one extraordinary relationship in our life and I think, despite the world placing us seven thousand miles apart, right now our friendship is that extraordinary relationship for me. You showed me what it’s like to just think of someone and smile stupidly to myself — and every single day I’m forever thankful for the blessing that is you. You continue to inspire me every single day with your art, with your writing, with our plots and with just you being you, the bravest amazing star that dared explore the darkest depths of my heart then chose to make a home there. I love you to the moon and back, bubbles ♡ 

@inkvascular​ / @lovguks​

My little sister who needs a smack on the head for abandoning my precious Valerie, like how dare? But that aside, I don’t think anyone is ever as patient with me as you are, and not just because you are stuck with me without a choice, which you are, but that is besides the point, you have always seen me through all the good and the bad, cheering me on, encouraging me, pulling me out of that bubble of darkness I trap myself in, sometimes against my own free will at that too but you do it anyway. You are one of the most caring people I’ve met and you will find that hard to believe and maybe even shocking to hear but it’s true, I do think so, your worry is always so genuine and evident and maybe some times I want to kill you but mostly I love you and that precious rebellious heart of yours. 

@xviridiis​ / @fangirl-is-my-middle-name​

My twinny™ from another mother — or so we say yet I find it hard to believe someone as kindhearted and sweet as you would be my twin, but I also couldn’t for the life of me accept an alternate where you’re not my twin because you see, you have legit become just like a little sister to me, one I cherish and worry for so much. From the very beginning you’ve been one of my biggest supporters and then here we are, 3 or 2 years later? and you’re still as sweet as ever, as sweet as sugar. I find comfort in having you by my side and knowing you always have my back just like I always have yours. You bottle and deal with so much and still remain kind and I just wish sometimes you’d share all that weight off your shoulder simply because I love you so freaking much twinny.

@alabasti​

We always talk about how natural Vivi and Rosa’s friendship developed, like it just happened as if it was always meant to be despite how unexpected the connection had been — and I think what we don’t mention is that just like them, our friendship is just the same, to me it was swift, natural, and before I knew it you had easily become one of the most important people to me and I couldn’t word how thankful I am that it did happen.  It’s not often that I find people I can connect with or relate to and yet despite how shy we both were the connection we have is very special, and I love how we went from that to being casually able to talk about so many things. I love you ray ray and I love how our friendship continues to grow. You say you relate to Rosa and it doesn’t surprise me, because you are one of the kindest sweetest people I know.

@scarlethaki​

If I were to start speaking about how much I admire you and your OCs, I’d never shut up but I’m going to try anyway. I love how much like Akane, you are never afraid to speak the truth and stand up for what’s right, it’s very admirable tbh esp when you are very mature about it as well. It’s something I realized is quite rare to find, someone who can speak their mind without being all self entitled and it’s one of the many reasons I continue to develop huge respect for you. I’ve always loved how quickly our OCs bonded to form a sisterhood I never could have foreseen or expected and it remains one of my favorite relationships ever for Rosa but I also love how close we’ve become through the years too. You are one of the few I trust immensely and know I can count on, and I hope you can feel the same ♡ 

@gratixsa​

You always talk about how I and Rosa inspired you but how about I talk about my version of events instead, truth is when I first stumbled upon your blog I was in utter and complete awe. More often than not, when any devil fruit with mind reading abilities is given it ends up being beyond over powered but as soon as I read Sahar’s bio I could see all the development and thought put into it, all the flaws and strengths, and since then I’ve only ever watched you both grow. You were unbelievably sweet to me from the day you first joined the fandom and I can’t believe it’s only ever been a year with you around bc it’s a bit hard to remember what it even was like before you were here. You are so kind and funny and to hell with anyone who thinks you’re toxic bc I love you and I’m so lucky to have a friend like you ♡ 

@lavenderkitsune​

I know your’re not really active roleplay wise anymore which is quite a shame because I do miss seeing you around, even if just in the Haikyuu fandom or with small one-liners and teasing crack, I loved the older brother sorta relationship both Law and Kuroo had with Rosa as they teased her and all — not to mention you, yourself remain one of the closest friends I’ve ever made on this site. We don’t talk as much as we used to and I guess it’s simply to say life got in the way but you remain one of the most understanding and least judgmental friends I’ve ever know. Always understanding what I’m trying to say, relating to my feelings without much needed explanation — I miss all our chats and hanging out together and forever love you, Kit Kat ♡  

@xviipcra

Ellie Ellieee Elieeeeeeee ♡ Now I know we don’t talk much, well hardly at all outside of group chats but I’ve always been a believer that true friendship isn’t about how little or much you talk to someone, because reality remains every single time I’ve needed back up (for lack of better word) you have never failed to be there by my side and support me, even against all odds and that believing in me is something I appreciate beyond all words. Never doubt that I will always be there for you too, when all hell breaks loose or when you need a friend, I’ve got your back. I admire your creativity and I admire how devoted you are to said creations, with research and writing, and well, rambling aside, I love you a lot, you dork <3

@eviscxration

Much like Ellie, we don’t talk as much as I’d like yet you, Kari, are honestly one of the most trust worthy friends I’m grateful to have — You are so geniune and kind and when we speak it’s so easy to tell how pure your intentions are and I can’t emphasize how much I adore that about you. Since we got closer you would always go out of your way to make me smile, and all I can say is thank you and I sure hope to someday be able to return that favor bc trust me you deserve all the smiles and happiness in the world.

@waywardpirateprince​

Whether it’s late night ramblings or random chatting or whatever it is we find to talk about and whether we go days or months without speaking only to reconnect later again— there’s absolutely never a dull moment with you around and I can’t emphasize enough how much I love your randomness. Honestly, I’m not much of a speaker and I know that yet I’m always honored when you chose to come to me to talk about the most random of stuff, like it makes me unbelivably happy that you would choose that when there are probably many other better listeners out there but needless to say, your friendship is one I appreciate immensely and I can’t wait for the day I can proudly boast about how I had been one of the first blessed with snippets of your novel when it’s released and becomes a best seller, which it will. 

@devilslcg

Ariel Bear ♡ ♡ I have always had a huge immense respect for you and initially I will admit that had mostly to do with your writing and how you portray your character with depth and gentleness but eventually and thankfully, I got to see a glimpse at the real person behind the muse and I got to be your friend and while I still adore and admire your writing, I also have huge respect for you. You are honestly so so so so unbelievably kind and understanding, no matter what is going on, you try to see both sides of the story and never invalidate anyone’s feelings. You have a sweet heart that never wants anyone to hurt or fight and I love that softness about you bc it’s quite rare to find. 

@rubberbastard​

We were both such kids when we first met, I was still a teen back then and I would think roleplay blogs are those unreachable blogs who are too popular to speak to their followers but I took a chance and I spoke to you and you were the sweetest person ever, and you became my first tumblr friend ever too as well as my first rp partner and fast forward 4 years later and our friendship is still as strong. Honestly when I look at how far we’ve come, I can’t help but feel proud? not just for our bond but more specifically of you — you’ve come such a long way and just like you were the first to cheer me on, I will always cheer you on too, our little fighting champ, it’s so nice to see you back ♡ 

@galvxnized

Just like Kayla, you were one of the very first friends I ever made, back when you had precious Ann and Lu? I was so thrilled that you would accept Rosa as a whitebeard pirate back then and agree to rp with me, you were so kind and supportive of me and my art and I was in awe of how you would draw out some of your replies. We don’t talk as much as we did back then but I still love you immensely and am glad to call you my friend because you’re so generous and adorable and I can never forget all you have done to support me all this time. 

@saboners

Cherry Berry ♡ I think sweet is an understatement when speaking about you because honestly, I know you might not think it’s always a good thing but your caring heart is a true gift and that care you give everyone else, the way you hurt to see others hurt as well, you deserve as much care and love of it and tenfold tbh. I may not have much to say but I do tend to worry about you and how you’re doing so it makes me happy when you’re around and having fun, I love you and love seeing you around even if we dont necessarily interact; thank you for being here for me every now and then ♡ 

@blacklegchef / @strawhat-sanji 

Now I know you haven’t been around for a while and I know it’s hard for you to be on here much but no matter how long it takes, you and your muse will always be more than just welcome and adored here. You were there for me at times when I was at my lowest and are just unbelievably so gentle ands sweet — I suppose you’re much like your muse in that manner. It seems like a lifetime ago but I still recall how you and a few others’ writing here would push me to try so hard and improve my own and I miss all our interactions both ic and ooc but just like you always reminded me to take care of myself first, I hope you would do just that. Take care of yourself and remember there are people here who will always love you. 

@macabrebride

The queen of fluff herself, ladies and gentlemen — now we all know how lovable Bride is but you Brit are honestly one of the most lovable people ever. I know how awkward and distance-ish I can be at times yet you’re always so patient and sweet and loving and it’s just downright adorable to listen to you talk and plot with you, it always gives me a good smile. You were honestly probably the first OC blog I ever interacted with and tbh before making Rosa, I went hunting for One Piece OCs to make sure any even existed on tumblr and I found yours and all the art of Bride, and I don’t think I ever mentioned it before but it gave me that final push I needed to go through with making my baby girl so thank you for that, and thank you for always being a squishable lovable sweetheart, skitty (yes I haven’t forgotten that this was my nickname for you)  ♡ ♡ 

@rxse-aurum 

I suppose you weren’t expecting this, because it’s probably been almost a year since we really spoke but truth is that doesn’t really change much for me or how I still tell people not to call me senpai because I like to think you’re still my kouhai — it’s so sweet to see you on again, like things are finally getting back to normal in the fandom and I know we have a lot of catching up to do but god I missed you, you dork and I missed your humor and your always ready to fight fiery personality. Sorry it took me a while to reach out again ♡

                                                            ´*•.¸(*•.¸♥¸.•*´)¸.•*´

               ♥«´¨`•°.. ǀ ωιℓℓ нσℓ∂ уσυ cℓσѕєя, нσρє уσυя нєαят ιѕ ѕтяσηg єησυgн ..°•´¨`»♥       ( the friends / writers I appreciate, admire and respect regardless of how often we may speak )

@partinglass / @emeraldowl ♪ @shadcwhaunted ♪ @condemnedbysunset ♪ @returningrevolutionary ♪ @shatteredfang ♪ @not-a-rogue  ♪ @trafalgardwaterlami ♪ @conquiistador ♪ @kxyx-ojo-sxmx ♪ @cinderbled ♪ @dcflamingc ♪ @stxrlightkiss ♪ @unsurpassed ♪ @redeyetrio ♪ @waveringiridescence ♪ @themostfreedom ♪ @shipvvright  ♪ @heavenly-demon  ♪ @elusvepirate ♪ @flamingmarco ♪ @mediicusvitae ♪ @windsplit

                                                            ´*•.¸(*•.¸♥¸.•*´)¸.•*´

               ♥«´¨`•°.. ǀ кησω уσυ ωєяє σηℓу нι∂ιηg αη∂ ǀ נυѕт ωαηηα ѕєє уα ..°•´¨`»♥        ( the followers whose presence / writing I enjoy or who have been a great support to me )

@bxttcrfly ♪ @ageless-gluttony ♪ @outjinxed ♪ @protettore ♪ @waniyarou ♪ @dokutadesu @boneavant ♪ @pxpeofjustxce ♪ @mxsicxm ♪ @blucdwarf ♪ @beastyhound ♪ @kaitouxx ♪ @itaidoshin ♪ @ask-the-three-eyes ♪ @gracephilosopher ♪ @moouda ♪ @1chijirexu ♪ @poisonxero ♪ @wittyneko ♪ @blood-batx ♪ @redcni ♪ @shibanomi ♪ @chillin-at-partys-bar ♪ @doxflamingo ♪ @cxrrot ♪ @cxmbrioleur

( I hope I didn’t forget anyone, but if someone isn’t mentioned, it’s likely bc of the following reasons a) I thought the blog was a duplicate of the same mun b) I thought the person was inactive and thus would never see this orz c ) I am dumb and forgetful and I’m very deeply sorry — Thank you all so much and have a nice day / night / afternoon )

[survivormuxloe]

Episode #1 & 2: "so that was fun, and by fun I mean hell" - Ahrre

So I'm so confused right now lol. Like I feel like discord should have a similar format to skype, but maybe I'm just dumb and cant figure it out. Also the only people I know/heard of are on the other tribe which is fun. Hopefully I can set myself up so my lack of understanding Discord doesn't make me look like a liability to the rest of my tribe.

we legit just got into our tribes.. missus sweyn.. LOL. i legit don't know ANYONE!! APART FROM MY BABY RYAN!! LIKE WHO ARE THESE PPL? liek i've heard of rhys and malik from like other orgs but the other people like god.. why can't I just have my circlejerk like in emvv. ): and idk WHO IS EVNE ON THE OTHER TRIBE WHICH MAKES IT WORSE I COUD HAVE LIKE A BUNCH OF RLY STRONG PLAYERS who are gunna win every single immunity challenge.. and i ain't wantin to go premerge nnn. uhm. ya. thats my mood rn. Xo

Oh wow, hi it’s me, Mo. I’m going into this game with an advantage of not having a social life so I can be more active. I like my tribe so far everyone’s really nice. I only know Fabricio because he won the game I got PoTS on. But I think I’m going to withhold that information of him winning his last game because I kinda wanna be allies.

First impressions of my tribe, they’re pretty cute I guess I like people well enough but I’m always nervous about pre existing relationships people may have in other communities so that’ll be fun to manoeuvre around my plan is just to lay low be social and hopefully not stick out as a target

deadass the challenge has barely started and wes already has 2 images.. meanwhile his ass has prob spoke in the tribe chat like once and he aint comin in  my pms anytime soon so. LAMJHNFG . better hope his social game saves him over the physical x

this is my 3rd one already but this is important. linus is the first person to say haha to me. TWO! FUCKING! HA'S!!!!!! JUST SAY LOL!!!! SAY LMAO!!! IDGAF!! Omg this is geniunely my pet peeve and i wanna scream a a a a a  a a a a a  aa

Man, I'm back with Tobi from Survivor Ko Chang and that scares me to death. He claims he wants to start on a clean slate with me and work together again, but I don't trust him one bit and the first opportunity I have to take him out, I'm gonna do it, cuz I can't have somebody like him around. Bad for my game.

On the other hand of the spectrum, I know Michael from Zwooper and we've always had a good relationship so I think that's one person I can fully align with right out of the gate. I've also worked up some social connections with Dani, Jose and Ahrre so far, and they all seem pretty chill for the most part.

Right now, my focus is to win. I'm gonna go hard in this first immunity challenge and rack up as many points as I can. Losing the first challenge always sucks and I wanna make sure that doesn't happen for me again.

Okay im like mad excited to play this game. One Ive been kinda down, and this should help me be able to invest my time into something and potentially help me feel better.

Seeing this cast. I love it. I have really only worked with Felix in a past org before but we havent talked in ages. So I dont have any past connections which feels great because I hate people assuming were working together because were friends?. So this wont happen this season which is great.

So far my tribe is okay. Havent had a chance to speak alot to everyone yet. However the people I have done are alright. So far my favorite person is Scott or Scooty Toots. Hes British as well as me, he's 18 and we're both starting University without a clue what were doing. Like twins?!? So hopefully he feels the same way about me too.

Alliances are key. I want to make a few smaller ones to form a majority for me. Like two allainces of three. Giving me 4 allies. Not sure if this will happen soon or not, but its my goal to take control of this game, as Ive never done it before. I dont want to come across as controling however so smaller groups is the way to do it in my head.

Omfg y'all...... The game started like maybe 16 hours ago and I have barely spoken to most of my tribe bc I was a lil busy last night & had some damage control to handle in EMVV but like..... ??? I already found the idol in the Play Room CTFUUUU. We fucking stan. I immediately told my son Scooty because he's my bae.... I haven't had my hands on an idol in an org since like...... 703 San Marcos when I was voted out w it in my pocket (i think?? i cant remember any others so..) so BEST BELIEVE I'm going to use this correctly. THAT IS MY MAIN MISSION. I'm craving that satisfaction of a successful idol play...... I would love to cross that off my imaginary org goals list..... BUT WHEW I'M PUMPED.

I am making a pact with myself to not be an overly annoying gamebot this season because I just wanna have fun with it and make it a chaotic season, and this lil buddy is gonna allow me to be as extra and messy and turbulent as I please <3 big dick energy

Helloo so here I am doing this org thingy so you're stuck with my thoughts of regret until I die, or you could just not read them that's also an option.

Anyhow god save the queen blabla after more time that it should've taken me I get that I'm in one of two tribes of 9 which is kinda good because with snaller tribes I feel lime everything is more claustrophobic and shit hits the wall the moment we lose a challenge. But with 9 players imo I feel more relaxed.

So summary of who am I stuck with, there are a few who I know from before so let's start with that.

First off Jose, already played an org with him and we were good allies so my first instinct was to call him a bastard and hey he took it well so hopefully it will be a smooth sailing with that lad.

But after Jose I don't expect the meta to be kind to me.

Michael and Mo were both in my last org and I blindsided them both. Tbh they were good allies until that point so I'm more than willing to work with them in this game, hopefully they feel the same way.

But anyhow then there's Felix who I think I technically played with? We meet during a merge and he went out early without us ever talking much so really this is gonna be my first time really playing with him, he's the only one that I haven't talked to yet though I hope he gets online.

Then there's Tobi. I've heard of him and from the get go he strike me as a very straight shoot-y player. Those are always interesting to play with so let's see how that goes.

There's Dani, she seems nice and compared to Tobi she seems more social instead of strategy focused but then again it's been one day and I'm talking out of my ass.

Then there's jaylen who seems nice aswell even if I haven't talked much to him.

And finally David the absolute unit, and I say that bc he instantly started focusing on the challenge, which is a breath of fresh air plus he's Canadian so what's not to like thus far.

Talking about the challenge I get anxiety by just looking at it, scavenger hunts are always hard for me bc I live with people and I want them to remain thinking I am a normal member of society so I always need to be sneaky to do this crap, plus I don't have a car or anything so I have to use public transport if I need to go anywhere.

Apart from that well I would like to set up a 5 man majority alliance just to be safe, my only fear is the ever so feared overplaying-doom. But I feel like someone like tobi would jump on that idea pretty easily so I'll have a chat with him about that idea.

Oh and also look at me I remembered to guess for the idol TWO times in a row. I could die this very same week doesn't matter that's already an improvement on my usual gameplay.

Hi since I’m required to do these once an episode, I’ll use this one to talk about my tribe and maybe a few on the other tribe that I saw were on.

Guacamole - They seem fun. I talked with them last night, but our convo went short because we played jack box together. They seem nice though.

Linus - Mix feelings. I can get a completely loyal Linus here, or a cutthroat linus, so I’m kinda wary right now towards him but the vibes I’m getting I don’t think he’s going to be an issue, atleast for now.

Madison/Madisin - She was also at the jackbox last night and I enjoyed her, she was dying laughing at the games and I thought she was funny. So hopefully I get a chance to talk to her today.

Malik - Who? Let’s not talk about that bitch.

Rhys - He literally waits until we’re in a game to talk to me, so I peep it. And you could say I should reach out to him but it’s annoying when I have and he doesn’t do it until we’re in a game together. Boggles the mind. If I can overcome doing that, so can you. But I enjoy our current coversation as of the moment.

Ryan - We just played Mount Olympus together recently and that was a bust for us both. I’m kind of hoping we can be on the same side since it’s been a while since that’s happened. However, Ryan says he just wants to have fun so I don’t fault him if he does crazy things down the road!!

Scooter - I don’t know about him yet. We haven’t talked at all but he seems interesting. Maybe I can give a better opinion when we talk.

Steven - Very hilarious and I’m also intrigued by him. His thinking and way of talking during the jackbox had me DYING I loved it. I think he’s my new favorite new person here so far.

Wes - I only saw him once but we haven’t talked yet so idk what to say. He said he’s from ndims and is an alias of someone, I just don’t know if I know the alias since I was on that site also. But hopefully it could be someone who knows me as Orlando.

Now for the people I know on the other tribe:

Ahrre - I cant stand him too much after our last season of JPORG. He has this self righteous attitude to him and I don’t like it. However, I warmed up to him a bit during the movie times we had been present for awhile back so hopefully if we see each other again, I won’t have that opinion anymore.

Big Tuna aka Danielle - YASSS I love ha! I know her from the Skype minis and she’s amazing. I hope I finally get to play with her for once in a non mini game ❤️

Felix - Felix is a fucking wildcard. I love him, but he has really pissed me off in games in the past, and I’m hoping this one won’t be like those other ones.

Jaylen - A mess but a friend! He plays how he wants and doesn’t care what people thinks or tweaking it to better it but that’s Jaylen for you! Accept it or don’t phew.

Jose - He’s a fucking snake at times LOL but he’s lovely. I wouldn’t mind too much of being on a tribe with him.

That’s all from me for now so hope I stay around longer to see how this season goes!

so the tea is that this tribe is drier than an old lady's pussy and its so hard to talk to these people... there are no personalities... the only people i feel mildly happy talking to are ahhre and jose... and the tea is that both of them asked to be allies w me im like o ok sis lets do this so i have at least like 2 votes i know abt... and i know david from a prior org but thats not really a good thing bc i fucked him over hardcore and like... he knows im a snake LKJHDFSLK I really don't know how to maneuver strategically with this cast butttt ill try my best hehe

Oh wow!! I can't believe I haven't made a confessional yet what a shocker. BUT HI! I'm kind of just trying to get myself acquainted with everyone in the group, I'm not as active as I'd like to be :C but I'm trying my best teehee. On the first night or so Linus, Malik, Stephen, Madison and I played Jackbox games and it was SUPER LIT and We bonded over that and I'm v happy about thatttt. (ofc I already know madison and I already love her but I haven't talked to her in game yet aklsdjf) I just started talking with Scooty today, or Scooty? I might just call him Scooty, ANYWAY yeah we got to talk about how we type similarly and that was nice, we bonded over that and it was littY. I also got to talk to Rhys!! He also seems like a neat guy - I still haven't talked to him a lot but I think he's cool. I honestly don't know who else is on the tribe, Wes and Ryan right? Wes and I talked a little bit, but barely. and Ryan hasn't talked to me at all lmao. Hopefully right now I've made enough connections though. I'd like to make tribe swap so I can meet more people and make friends lololol - wish me luck gang!

I’m getting along with everyone really well so I know I won’t be the first fine at the very least so I just need to lay low laugh and Kiki with everyone and hopefully I can survive for the long term

I’m doing the Scavenger Hunt and knowing me I decided to wait till the last two hours to do everything I can. So now I have an hour and a half to film a bunch of videos

Okay so talking to my tribe Im begining to feel less at ease with them. Mostly because most of them hardly seem to talk. Which dosent bode well for me. Could mean im on the outs and they dont like me. Or that They're all inactive.

Madison seems like the easy boot right now just because like, who?!?. Shes not been around Ive messaged her once and she left me on read.

So Steven had to leave but we still have to do the challenge as if he was competing which PROBABLY means were going to tribal. So ive been working on getting an allaince going. Ive talked to Malik and Brought the Idea of us forming a trio with someone. Luckly he picked Linus because I talk to him aswell. So fingers crossed we can get that going.

I also have a great feeling from Scooty aka scott. So like Hopefully i can get another trio with him going aswell. So then I will be solid untiill a swap.

I do have a concern that Scott and Ryan are close and Malik and Linus are close. More so that I would be their second choice out of the trio if one is made. However thats not going to effect me I dont think this early. So fingers Crossed.

uhm so!! STEVEN QUIT which im rly sad for two reasons. one for him bc i know he wanted to do well and i hope hes doing ok and i geniunely wish the best for him and the other reason is selfish bc i literally.. planted my seeds on him already? like. all that work for nothin. and now we sitting here actin as if madison aint afk and aint gunna submit nothing..

like its the only reason ive done these dumb videos so that i wont be seen as the weak link if we ever lose again almdlddg.. but uhm hopefully my seeds that are in rhys/jones keep me safe bc if madison gets out here i have ryan/rhys/jones to keep me safe.. so im not gonna be that upset if we lose LOL esp bc ik linus/malik r gunna be scary af later on

hopefully we win tho? so i dont have to deal with this stress? i dont wanna relive louvre where i visitted every single premerge tribal except for 2.. even tho i did well hehe uhm. YAH WE’LL SEE :)

I'm kinda bummed that this last challenge wasn't immunity anymore because we smoked the other tribe, LOL. But at the same time, I'm glad cuz I wouldn't wanna lose the challenge after one of my tribe members quit, that'd just be sad as fuck, LOL.

Also, I feel a good rapport developing further between Danielle and I. I feel like her and I can dominate this game together, but I can't get too ahead of myself here. The first couple of rounds are meant to create social bonds and I feel like I've done a good job of that thus far. Only person I haven't talked to is Jaylen and I'm okay with that, cuz if we lose the immunity challenge, he's most likely the first one to go.

Okay, thankgoodness that the challenge was changed to reward last minuet. Because we wouldve gone to tribal.  Maddison is legit missing. I dont even care if we win or loose this next challenge because she needs to go.

So firstly that reward was weird like woo thanks pretty crown but there’s nothing else so I’m thinking that someone else has the clue and my best bet would be jaylen bc he got the Crown Jewels the most important piece. Overall I’m very nervous for this battleship challenge because in my mind it’s mostly luck based so my fate is really out of my hands.

Well, not much honestly but I'm gonna write a confessional for round 1 and stuff so I don't get a strike

The game is going okay I'm trying not to be aggressive talking to people, but just letting people come to me and make conversation right now honestly I'm trying to play UTR since I think considering madison doesn't exist right now I think I'm able to do that TBH. Hopefully it all works out.

I volunteered to do the battleship challenge thing because I have no life and it looked like no one else was gonna volunteer.

I actually know Linus he played with me in Epic SBB in Hell, so that's nice to not be going in with no connections period.

Sorry this wasn't that long but it's something I guess

If we lose probably another confessional will be writen but right now there isn't much to report

I’m for sure feeling a little bit more nervous now because a lot of this challenge is about being organised and teamwork and we could barely have someone sit out so fingers crossed

Heyo so we won the challenge so that was fun, and by fun I mean hell but hey we've got bragging rights, which is pretty much it since unfortunately Steven was medevaced out of da game so even though the other tribe lost they didn't go to tribal.

A bit annoying knowing you did that for nothing but oh well the other tribe seems to be having a rough time by itself with steven quitting and someone (Madison I think) not submitting anything lol

And I say for nothing bc technically we won reward but it was one of those first come first serve things and I only got seved a jpg image so nothing fancy there...

But at least now the next challenge is something where 8 out of 9 people on the tribe don't have to do anything and you bet your ass after that first challenge I'm gonna be one of the 8. David the unit took it upon himself to carry us to victory so godspeed lad.

However this challenge is pretty luck based so I'm saying fuck that I'm not talking my chances.

Following last confessional I talked to tobi about making an alliance and he was onboard, he proposed to have Jose on it which is great since that was my idea anyways, plus I told dani and she was also on board, and to finish up the hipotetical majority of 5 she said he was cool with Michael.

I haven't talked to him yet and Jose hasn't been online but hopefully we should be fine.

Ngl would like to have an alliance with david and felix too, david bc he seems like a total lad with the challenges and Felix because he later told me he felt the most confortable with me.

But regardless hopefully we won't even have to go to tribal (and if we do at least there are other options for the vote)

For now I shall be the dumb cheerleader of the bunch for a game of battleship.

Ahhh, I feel so bad that I lost the challenge for my tribe. I feel like going into a challenge with the weight of the win or loss stacked against you is huge. But I did come REALLY close and my tribe seems to respect that I almost got us the win. I don't think I'll go anywhere tomorrow for tribal, but you never know.

Yesss we won immunity. I’m happy we could after Steven left. They made our challenge a reward for that and we lost but it’s fine because WE WON immunity phew. And it’s all thanks to Wes. So far to me, Madison is looking the easiest vote off right now because I haven’t talked to her and I haven’t seen her so that’s my view on it. The three I talk to the most on my tribe are Rhys, Linus and Scoots. Then Ryan and Guacamole. Then Wes and finally Madison. I hope this game doesn’t pull a JPORG Fitzroy Island, I don’t wanna be screwed over by a random ass tribe swap. But I basically dig my tribe and hope that I won’t be the first to go.

Whew we won?! What. I thought we were gonna fuckin loose. Noah fence Wes.

Sad tings though because Madison is probably going to strike out. Oh well.

Ya boi still hasn’t gone to tribal so stay mad.

It’s fucking gross having to go to tribal council and I can’t be dealing but I seem to have found myself in two alliances with only dani connecting the two so I’m gonna work with dani to ride this middle ground and make it further

I’m going home omfg. I can’t really have a deep convo with anyone, which means I don’t have an alliance even though I’m sure one has been made ugh. I’m gonna focus on surviving this round then seeing what I can get set up next round. Wish me luck whew

I’m pissed because it’s super obvious that the other 7 on my tribe are in a mega tight alliance. Steven was my only alliance in this hole game, and like, he even told me he found an idol and then on his way out he didn’t even slip me the idol??? Can’t wait to be voted out 7-1 because he wanted a souvenir.

So the tea is that ahrre and I made an alliance of 5 which includes him, me, Jose, Dani, and Michael which I think is cute but they are really boring so meh idk I’ll just flip during merge x JDJSJD I’m a messy bitch

ugh i'm so glad we won immunity bc our tribe is already severely lacking in strong members bc Steven left us out to perish and Madison aint shown her face yet... so the numbers getting back to even is great for us <3

Right so unfortunately we lost the battleship game so that means we're heading to the first tribal of the game, fun stuff.

Now as we lost I got the Me-michael-jose-dani-tobi alliance set up. Meanwhile Felix was telling me that for him it was between Jose or Jaylen, since they've been the least active. Understandable but more understandable is that I'm in an alliance with Jose so for me it seems like it's gonna be Jaylen, who I also haven't spoken much with so I don't mind, albeit every tribal we go to before swapping or merging I see it as a potential ally down the line going home, which shucks.

Either way the alliance (and everyone else for that matter) agreed on jaylen, I also told Jose in kind words to get his shit together before he gets sent home but that's pretty much it. I'm gonna try to lay down for now I don't want to bring any unwanted attention to myself.

Hopefully tribal goes well.

Oh wow hi it’s me, Mo. Ok so currently the plan is to vote out Jaylen which I don’t have a problem with, it’s kinda sad because he is actually really nice but somewhat inactive. I’m on my way to get a burger and fries and I’m fucking ecstatic like I’m so fucking hungry it’s stupid. Also watch me get blindsided.

So we went into this chalenge on a high after wining the reward and I was the one who got the most points out of everyone :))). Although I’m nervous this will put a target on my back, I’m happy that I have kind of proven my dominance in this game! After losing the challenge, I’m upset!! This was all luck based which sucks! After that, I started talking more with Felix, David, Michael and Ahree. Within the span of like 30 minutes, I got added to 2 seperate groups. I was like “iiii” because this can get messy fast. Michael is in both of the groups as well so I don’t feel too bad because at least there is someone else in my position as well. I get along with Felix a lot and have had quite a few good convos with him! David seems to want to lead things in the group he made, which is whatever. Keeps the target off of me, especially if we go to tribal again. I expect to make more confessionals throughout the course of the game, usually videos but I’m pretty tired right now haha.

I just took a nap and there's no tribal and I'm always trying my best. My tribe doesn't hate me for some reason even though I sure would. Oh well. I really miss Steven I hope he's okay.

Steven quit half way through this episode. Then Jaylen was voted out 8-1.