#i genuinely feel i was born wrong | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yuri-for-businesswomen · 4 months

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i hate that i already told everyone how happy i was allegedly and that i was getting my shit together allegedly but now i realise that it was all hinging on this job and well. the illusion has crumbled! i remember how much i hate office jobs but also dont know what else to do and i remember why i have such issues holding down a job because i get burned out so easily! fuck! and i told too many people i intend on trying sobriety which. also not actually. sobriety would be great to get into fitness and cooking fresh again but! for that i need a fix routine and its not possible with my work schedule! i dont know what to do i wish i did not have to pay rent and shit so i can try out some stuff to find something that i can actually do. im right back where i was six years ago and four years ago and one year ago…

i had a week off two weeks ago and i was not really able to do much because of a minor surgery and i finally had the mind to read and i took so many walks and it was so nice and ever since i have not been able to shake the feeling things are not working out the way i thought they were. fuck i thought i was finally able to settle and work on myself and be secure but im just back where i was and i feel like now everyone is expecting me to get better and everyone thinks im in a much better place mentally and i feel like a huge disappointment because it was all an illusion.

and i feel so ungrateful and guilty because of all the women stuck in prostitution and i had the privilege to exit and get a posh job im in such a privileged position why cant i just be content and do my silly little job why do i feel so fucking depressed and like i want to scream and so demotivated. well i guess the world around has not changed either and we live in fucking depressing times. but why is it affecting me in a way i cant do my job and provide for myself. aggh

#personal #i feel exactly the way i did shortly before quitting my jobs in the past lmao 😶#i feel so cry baby and weak and why am i struggling so much im not supposed to be struggling like this #im supposed to be doing so much better #why cant i just be annoyed with having to work but able to do it like a normal person #and my family doesnt get it #theyve all overcome such adversity and what did i do #i genuinely feel i was born wrong #i cant remember a time in my life where i wasnt lashing out and angry and depressed and weird and lonely and isolated #even as a child i was struggling but WHY #im too mentally ill for the life ive had i feel stupid #other people have had it way worse and theyre so much stronger and more resilient #i havent suffered enough to be suffering like this!#i should use my privilege to uplift others but i cant even help myself

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artanogon · 7 days

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thinking more about being trans

#because i want the voice drop of testosterone because training my voice has not been enough for me. i want some of the body shifts with it #and i want top surgery at some point #half because aesthetics + dysphoria and half bc they're just inconvenient #but i dont want to be a “man”#i dont want the capacity to grow a beard or a bunch of hair and have to shave all the time to keep up my looks the way i want #i dont want to “pass” the way some people do #i dont want bottom surgery for sure and i don't have any desire to have a dick or anything. ideally i would be like a doll with no features #i certainly have no plans to stop dressing feminine #i like being my androgynous twink self #and theres certainly a lot of aspects of femininity i do enjoy #jewelry makeup skirts certain aestheitcs long hair etc #i just want to be able to wear those things in a way that i am no longer a woman but a feminine man instead #i want to be one of those weird 80s twinks who would steal your boyfriend while wearing your dress and looking better in it #or like half the men you see in regency shows with the long hair/fine features/gentle manner etc #idk. i dont want to be a man. i genuinely feel like im putting on the wrong skin saying im a transman #genderqueer/agender is the closest i think ill ever find #but god i just wish id been born a man and then had the freedom to explore looking like a girl #little fucked up freak femboy stuck in some body that doesn't feel like its mine #maybe going on t will help me feel comfortable with growing out my hair again tho #idk. spitballing #it doesnt even matter that much rn. i have to delay my t appointment because of other medical shit #but man are there a lot of thoughts up here that will never in any way make sense to most people or be accepted by greater society

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invisiblecities1972 · 4 days

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i did everything wrong i guess

#i genuinely don’t think i’ve ever made a good major decision in my life. like somehow against all statistical probabilities i chose wrong at #every turn and now i’m here #like where did it all go wrong lol. it feels like it was too late for me from the day i was born

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honkytonk-hangman · 6 months

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So like, does everyone else also have an extremely strong instinctive negative reaction towards Sam Levinsons continued existence, and have you also begun to consider him your arch nemesis????

This is a totally normal and sane response, right?

#also further question: does anyone want to start league of likeminded people in order to destroy him #his continued presence is genuinely a trigger for me #I’ve never hated some one as much as I hate him #not even in my personal experience have I met someone I hate so aggressively #and I don’t even feel like wrong or bad #it feels like a justified duty to undertake #the sacred hatred of Levinson #we’re all born with it #I may have gotten too worked up but if I’m honest #I no longer care about inner peace or not allowing others to dictate my thoughts #because I’d much rather smite Sam Levinson or better yet let Sydney Sweeney do it #might start an order of knights lol

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sammygender · 4 months

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the thing thats always missing in conversations about gender in general is the fact that 'cis', as an identity, is not a innate Thing Some People Are, but rather a state of acceptance society grooms us into from birth

#im sorry but no one is inherently 'cis' bc gender is inherently not real (saying this in cool trans way not transphobe way).#being 'cis' just means you live as the gender youve been assigned. being 'genuinely' cis in a way where youre not repressing anything and #you're truly happy to be that way means you're the ideal and desired endgame of the whole gendered culture and have been successfully #groomed into accepting only half of yourself (the half that can exist in the gender role you inhabit)#Like every culture agrees that people have both 'masculine' and 'feminine' within them but on entry to the earth the vast majority of peopl #are placed within a role that rewards either 'masculine' or 'feminine' but not both. and of course everyone continues to be both but #theyve still been placed in one role.#To be honest i think we need to rid ourselves of the idea of gender as something innate even though its nice to teach to well-meaning #liberal cis people. 'born this way' dogma was a useful vehicle to pitch existence in but its unhelpful when queer people actually act like #its the whole truth and nothing but the truth.#dont get me wrong i couldnt be a girl cause i self destructed and died and that was just something within me. totally that is a thing 100%.#hashtag born this way. but just because it doesnt go that far for some people doesnt mean that theyre Innately Cis. it means they accept #their circumstance and r priviledged to be able to do so. thats what cis means #to be clear: i say being cis is the result of grooming. thats not to say that people who reject cisness are smarter or more radical #necessarily or doing the right thing. some people stay cis and push the boundaries of that role wherever possible and thats just as radical #i think in fact its more radical than trans people who ruthlessly uphold gender roles #tldr its not a moral failure to identify with ur assigned gender and to argue that would be incredibly ridiculous #but the only reason u feel identification with it at all is because of the grooming. shrug emoji.#oliver talks #gender #gender abolition #gender assignment is grooming & its violence & its awful #ted talk over #Disclaimer if anyone wants to pick a fight that i do literally identify as trans so take of that what you will

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dbphantom · 4 months

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you know if you guys voted for stretch armstrong i probably would have shut up a lot sooner tonight

#so really this is all your fault /lh /j #i love thinking about h2o tho so im happy #VERY FUCKING TIRED THO WISH I COULD SLEEP #i think my brain is kicking into overdrive after being filled with cotton the past 3 days which. hey im glad ur back bud #CAN YOU SHUT UP NOW I NEED REST #i was just thinking because im probably not posting that essay i will summarize here (i saw #that privating it made it lose like 4 recently edited paragraphs and i don't want to type all that out again my memory isn't good enough)#it just boiled down to the pods basically making a self fulfilling prophecy by orphaning their sons and making them increasingly #desperate for connections to other people like them which is why i think erik behaves the way he does esp when ondina is around #like i am not excusing his actions in the slightest dont get me wrong here he really fucked up BUT #his last conversation with ondina before he goes to the chamber kind of sold that idea to me #how he scoffs at her saying rita says it's dangerous because she's 'old school' and of COURSE old school mermaids think all mermen are evil #and then starts adding on how he wants to do this for HER and get her home back for her by controlling it #like a bit of an add-on at the end to try and convince her #i think what he really wants is to be hailed as a hero. you know. validation and acceptance from the ppl who originally abandoned him #the OGs who made him feel like an outsider. the ppl who ripped everything away from him just bc of the way he was born (which is prob why #when he's trying to convince zac to help him he keeps bringing up their ancestors bc that's what unifies them)#i don't think he's an evil dude per se i think he thought stealing the trident stone from rita's grotto would be small peanuts in the past #once he finally got the pod to come home bc he genuinely (mistakenly) believed he COULD control the power of the chamber #i also think that's why the camera keeps focusing on his face when he's watching the others panic over #zac's sacrifice and i think he is feeling jealousy bc they are paying attention to him and not Erik #like that's not the face of someone who deeply regrets what they just did. my guy is just sitting there like 'that should be me rn'#i think that is why he also sounds so desperate to make things right with ondina afterwards. iirc he's just like 'wait no we can start ove #RIGHT?' and she's like 'uhhhh... no??????' (valid). my dude is lonely as fuck and he finally found a group of ppl like him and he messed up #big time just trying to get their attention and affection bc he couldn't just be normal abt it he had to go big or go home #like i kind of feel bad for him in a way #but i feel bad for everyone #i felt bad for denman the other day! that's how bad this is getting!!#i mean come on imagine making the scientific discovery of a LIFETIME only for all that shit to happen in a row #especially after you get your comeback. they just go right back to fucking you over again

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comet-wire · 5 months

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Ngl I've been having a gender crisis again on top of all the stuff that's happened with my dad, I think I still identify as male/masculine idk 🗿

Same with my ace/aro spectrum placement ☝️🗿

#comet rambles #putting in queue to deploy later #parent loss tw #just in case by association n implications ☝️🗿/nm+gen #when i get stuff set up with my checking account i was already thinking of getting a new chest binder once our personal issues with finance #has been figured out definitely #i dont wanna say much n jinx stuff so ill leave it at that #personal #gender shit is hard n i really think i may be a he/they or he/him still #or if not then closeted butch lesbian idk #most signs point to male gender identity leaning though 😔👍#also my social battery is outta wack but i needed to get this out so i apologize to anyone who i have yet to respond to/gen+nm 🥹#like i genuinely still feel as though ive been born in the wrong body and i tried to accept my feminity and it went well!!#like i started embracing my femininity the past few years and now i think im over it because it feels like i just attempted to try #and be something i wasn't if that makes any sense #i hate being referred to as she/her or as a girl even if i understand some people will still see me as fem despite my personal identity etc #its not that i hate my femininity its just i feel anything but female while still enjoying traditionally fem stuff at times #hope this makes sense #🗿👍#still ace/aro though just cant figure out if i only enjoy the thought of romance (cupiosexual/romantic) or if i feel comfy in one #i know im sex repulsed though thats for certain #as of lately chris Redfield and Albert Wesker have become two of my transition goals and idk what to do about this lmfao #i wish i was kidding #but im not 😭#sitting here like EVA shinji with his head in his hands in the damn chair image/lh #also wanna be a rootin tootin goth cowboy 🥰#if it turns out im like a comphet butch/nb lesbian im gonna shit myself though/lh+nm

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arainesque · 6 months

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I'd love to jump into the head of someone who is more emotionally aware than me. (I'm not smart, please don't interpret this as that) but I've always intellectualized things (always) for as long as I can remember.

I'd just love to experience the world from a perspective where you know what you're feeling.

#ME MAKING NO SENSE #i really do try so hard #also #i THINK a lot #probably more than the average person #but /thinking/ genuinely means !nothing! in terms of being smart #i have the dumbest thoughts even though i /think a lot/#so please don't take this the wrong way #also the 'average person' is actually -probably- a small amount of people #i think a LOT of people are just pretending #like they're better than a lot of /us/ (sorry for dragging you all into this but pls relate to me)#but they're secretly suffering #that's my take for the day #i genuinely feel like i was born to THINK but to NEVER ever /solve/ anything whatsoever #that's up to someone else #also probably why i feel so stagnant in fic-writing because i've explored most of the underlying spiritual-scientific causes of the emotion #THATS WHAT I KNOW #some of u all are SO GOOD at capturing the actual emotion #im in genuine AWE #pls know that #(obviously there's so so so many people like me)#so scared of sounding narcissistic #you're probably all smarter than me #HOPE UR ALL GOOD if u /god forbid/ got this far <3

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travesty-majesty · 1 year

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Kazui you have raised more questions than you have answered

#kazui milgram #LISTEN #the audio drama shows that kazui holds a lot of self loathing #and since these MVs are from the prisoners perspective then of course it's gonna seem violent and angry #because he feels like that towards himself #the gay theory isnt totally off the table #something about what was said in his audio drama stuck with me #'ive tried to just be the way i was born!'#i think it's still possible but i also don't think that's why his wife passed away #i think he's innocent. i don't think he did anything wrong on purpose #because if he did he wouldn't be genuinely repenting and regretful #all this to say #the bird is a metaphor #do not vote him guilty because of the bird

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spaces-shittiest-photographer · 7 months

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I have learned that debating things I have Big Feelings on makes me sad

#like. i just dont have time for discourse anymore because i get upset #if im thinking about the feelings too much i get reminded of everything wrong with society #that sounds weird but genuinely it does #a convo about how i disliked the 3d mlp movie because it was 3d turned into a convo about depersonalization of media and how kids are-#-being born into a world where they dont even know if theyll be able to pay rent in the future.#anyway #will probavly delete this later im just not having a great day anymore

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daz4i · 1 year

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i don't mean to alarm anyone but i think I'm genuinely losing my mind more and more each day

#like no longer in a ha ha funny way. I'm just losing my grasp on myself and feel fundamentally detached from life itself #it's not new it just hurts more now. i feel like an animal and not in a good way #maybe i need to change meds again. but. idk if there's even anything left i haven't tried yet ajsjftjgjh :/#i am genuinely just... not meant to be alive... there is nothing in the world that can help me at this point #(eh 'at this point' implies smth once did but that's wrong too. nothing ever helped at all! it's been over a decade since i started -#- getting treatments for my mental illness! i think at this point it's just doomed. what's the use.)#i wish i wasn't so terrified of pain. i want to die. i want to try to kill myself. but I'm scared of not dying after i do. I'm so tired #I'm just so so tired of existing. I'm in so much pain. i wish i was never born #i hate my parents for bringing me into this world and i hate myself for not killing myself earlier #vent #suicide //#ask to tag #liveblogging my mental breakdown on tumblr dot com #sorry for being dramatic. everything is bad but my brain especially is

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aftermathing · 5 months

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You're supposed to ask for help. If you don't ask for help you're never going to get help and you will be condemned for being useless and taking no actions to help yourself. If you ask for help. no one is going to help you. you are not allowed to wish that anyone help you or expect anyone to help you or you are a selfish piece of shit. you are not allowed to wish things were better. You're not allowed to ask for help actually because you are selfish and you didn't think about how others might feel being put in the vulnerable and intimate position of being asked for help. your friends did not consent to being asked for help or explained why you've been having problems and you should have thought about the way they felt before you forced them to read your texts asking them for help. I'm not even joking I should just kill myself because there is actually genuinely no such thing as getting better or getting help or being a good friend ?

#I swear to god I could text you assholes 'i just got stabbed can you please call an ambulance' and you would reply three days later ':/'#you fucking cunts. what is wrong with you #Didn't anyone ever teach your stupid ass how to be a good fucking friend #Stupid stupid stupid stupid #'you can't expect everyone to just drop everything and help you :/'#Look at me. look in my fucking eyes. what is wrong with you #I'm so upset I'm so desperate for any amount of anything please help me what's wrong with me #Why was I specifically built to crave what is apparently not even a thing ?? People aren't friends anymore ?? Like societally ????????#'It's so hard to wake up in the morning I wish someone could knock on my door to wake me up for finals so I don't miss them :('#'awww you want them to bring you food and do your test for you and drive you there and change your diaper too?'#i want to take a long swim in acid. why live. what is the fucking point.#I am nothing. I'm literally insane.#I think I actually genuinely have schizophrenia and none of this is real I've been engaging the delusions a lot because I have no one else #Have I for my entire life just invented friendships that didn't exist. are any of you real. am I even alive.#I'm so angry I just want to be talked to #At the bare minimum. you don't have to love me or like me or help me or care but just talk to me #I'm so angry I feel like a cuckoo chick. born a huge monster who takes and hurts and kills before it can even open its eyes #it didn't know it's a monster it just acts based on instincts.#it was not supposed to be here and it killed the innocent and actual good children in cold blood.#that's what my twin brother was in the womb. i killed him. i was a mistake and a disease and he wasn't strong enough to stop me.

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winter-spark · 1 year

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I notice that even though Citron's my fave, I spend more time here talking about Orange and Navel.

I think it's fear of being wrong.

#I can say with upmost confidence that everything I say about Orange and Navel is accurate #that's a joke but I do feel like I can say “whatever I want” and not feel like I'll be horribly wrong about it #I've even discussed with myself why if it turned out Orange and Navel were actually born the same year as Citron it'd still make sense #that's not my fave age breakdown but if someone else or the game said they were I'd be like a'ight that's fine I guess #I don't want to say something wrong/inaccurate about Citron tho because the thing is that no matter where I go I'm the odd one out somehow #and I don't want to know what I think on Citron might be wrong I love him and so I'm extra sensitive there #I even have a whole partial joke post that no one reacted to (okay it's a ship post but he's half the ship so...)#that shows me no one agrees with me so I should keep to myself #also tho Orange and Navel are just easier to come up with headcanons for lol #But like like like when I write Citron he's actually the least independent to himself brother if that makes sense #(I'm not sure it does... it's explained better a couple tags down but I'm not saying he doesn't have his own interests #but rather some of his interests/opinions are somewhat influenced by his brothers & he's like that the most out of the four of them)#I mean I haven't written enough Tangerine to compare him here so he might be more but then again he's very opinionated and sure of things #so who can say yet #(I say as if I've written any of them much at all. Genuinely this might not be an entirely fair comparison but still.)#Citron & his brothers #as for how I write Citron he like like has approximate knowledge & mild interest in certain things bcuz he knows his brothers are into them #which is kinda the reverse of SenriMono huh?#but to me it makes sense for Citron because he doesn't want to be fighting with his brothers he wants to be on good terms with them #so I think in the back of his mind he takes interests in things and has thoughts like: 'maybe I can talk to them about these things one day #or 'if there's a point when we're not fighting I'll ask ____ about ___'#you know?#these tags are too long #sorry for rambling #I legit could've just made a separate post with them #but then I'd be putting my thoughts on Citron on display and that'd be scary so I won't move them #I'm almost certain no one reads my tags anyway #still. sorry to the person who actually does and had to read through all this #idk why you didn't stop but I appreciate you regardless :3 #by the way did you know there was a 30 tags tag limit? I just found out lol

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barnbridges · 1 year

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*cough* the funny thing about logging on reddit sometimes is that you will get people who think it's absolutely autism that a man shits on someone's cake and then the same people on a vent post of an absolutely terrible autism parent would be like, supporting eugenics.

#same with borderline personality disorder #like both feed into the same perception #that individuals whose behavior you cannot tolerate MUST have something inannely wrong with them #and you can't say anything to their face about it but you hope they die and wish they werent born #which is insanely hurtful to hear #i know i will be a burden on my family and significant others for the rest of my life. but that doesn't mean i can't be talked to.#that doesn't mean that there arent days when i feel “normal” or where i don't bother anyone #or that i don't deserve to live because i broke down in a supermarket bread isle a couple years ago because of a shopping cart #it's life. yes it's not PLEASANT for me OR for the people around me #but that doesn't mean you should have zero empathy #and wish all children with autism were aborted #that's not freedom #that's not right #and that's not an abortion argument only some people are making the argument that all autistic children should be given up which #makes no fucking sense and IS eugenics #also people on reddit nag on autistic men a lot because they tend to pass on the set of genes #and like fuck off #genuinely #people are ok with eugenics as long as it's someone they see as a bother #and that bothers me so deeply

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ladychlo · 2 years

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thank you dear, but honestly, I don't know how to be safe in our extra digitalised environment; even subscription/like on the all antigovernment are considered as criminal offence (majorly classified as a terrorism cases, and confessions are obtained by torture) and each and every SM+messengers are cooperating with our gov ♥️

as a side note: concerning the rise of right-wing movement in the west (see what almost happened in france, what did just happen in Italy)

please please please vote when you still have the institutions to do so, grab all your friends and relatives and vote!

there is no such thing as 'not being into politics', they will come to your door whether you want it or not; people in power stay in power because of the helplessness propaganda (do not!! underestimate it's power, do not think that your country "doesn't have such a thing its not cold war anymore! 11!!1", talk with your elderly/parents who do not have the access to the information you have)

I wish we didn't have to discuss these matters but it is what it is

.

#my asks and dms are always here for you xx #AND YES #god like I seriously can't use any social media without precautions bc here one wrong word and you're done #I'm talking prison and torture and better cases exiles #even journalist have zero to none freedom of speech....#even at uni you have to be careful... you can't manifest unless you have the bones to deal with police strikes #and to be incarcerated with crimes you didn't even comit #and people take freedom of speech for granted while I've seen people killed in protest field for just wanting to ask for their basic rights #and YEAH they genuinely elected a fascist...#I was talking to my cousin bc I have my family there in Italy and my cousin was born there he is an Italian citizen yet #the distress he is feeling rn bc all his life had to face racism bc of his skin color ofc and the fact that he is muslim and that he is #considered still an immigrant even tho he is actually an Italian #and with the new PM is just looking very not hopeful #*sigh*#I hope people can get political bc some of us dont have a choice but to be political

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dumblemonchickenwing · 4 months

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my parents hate artists and creative people yet they are surprisingly creative in coming up with ways to say awful things about me or people in general, huh...

#they have spent 25 years coming up with mean jokes or ways of mocking #and yet they keep finding new ways or new ideas to mock or invalidate #it sounds like i am exaggerating but honestly I Wish i was exaggerating #text #vent #they prove they are capable of changing but they only change the ways of berating or mocking.#i wish they put this energy into changing themselves.#i cannot even share about them because the things they say about people are so bad that it Will genuinely trigger and hurt someone #the thing about me being cold toward my family..#i always believe i am wrong or the bad guy but in this case i believe it was not me being just a bad child #because my parents never believed i love them even when i did #if i cried or tried to show love they'd ignore it or wouldnt let me #my love was denied and i was always told that i only want awful things for them #no matter what i did or said #I do not love my parents because I have no other option #I put up with everything they do. part why i am still with them.#so it's safe to say that I dont love them not bc im tired of them or fed up #but because im not allowed to love them.#so please dont think that im a bad person for feeling this way.#they always acted like I am incapable of caring or loving since i was born. they live in their own world where i am a monster at birth #which sounds pretty bad if i think about it now

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