#i genuinely hope you can learn from this and avoid this in the long run

[ferahntics]

Hey guys, it's me my new account,

Today I will would like to apologize for mistake and hateful anything okay, here some story about Why send of Death Threat for not drawing dragon fire Kirby sleeping and not taking request,

Here some story

On June 2, 2023. I sent the Request dragon fire Kirby sleeping at inbox as anon to ferahntics.

Moment Hours later, Ferahntics didn't draw dragon fire Kirby sleeping and not taking request. Ferahntics said "I'm sorry anon, I will not taking request, if I do I will post on future"

Five Months Later On Nov 30, 2023. He was so angry for not drawing dragon fire Kirby and not taking request since five months ago, I used on phone and sent to death threat as anon,

Moments Later. Ferahntics is saw the death threat and hateful message for not drawing dragon fire Kirby sleeping and not taking request, and then ferahntics is posted said "What is Happening"

2 hours later. Ferahntics is Blocked me for sending death threat and Hateful Message.

And Later, I used on another account on Computer, I using Website and Pixlr E, then I Edit on profile picture, these are Photos like Michael de Santa from GTA V, and Unknown Hanging image, and I send to inbox and hateful message as anon,

And moment later Ferahntics is posted and said "To anons sending me death threats, and gore images and wishing I get killed or s'xually assaulted"

7 Hours Later Ferahntics are Posted and repost two times and then Hundreds of User are Blocking Me,

8 Hours Later on Dec 1, 2023.

I Tried to Apologize like a childish or Logan Paul like saint, or something? And I posted and tried to apologize three times,

5 hours later, Ferahntics has reposted said "I'd love to leave this post alone, but they had the guts to make another account and send me the most insincere, most childish, most ridiculous '''apologies''' that make Logan Paul look like a saint. New account is sleepinglovers293return so block that for ya'll safety too."

And then Hundred of User are Blocking me Again,

That's all of story.

Ferahntics must be proud and support

Thanks to all of support and I'm appreciated for Blocked by Hundred of User.

And I'm sorry for sending hateful message and death threat and g*re image.

I Promise I will not sending death threat, g*re image, and Hateful Message,

Hope you like some story

So I was gonna ignore this but this just pisses me off an unbelievable amount, so a lot of swearing incoming.

You sent me endless messages wishing I die, how you'll kill me, how you'll SA me, how you'll torture me all because I didn't want to draw your request because my requests were closed.

And you know what? If my requests would've been open, I PROBABLY would've done it! Cause I didn't think anything of it, I didn't know it was a fetish thing, I learned that later. And after all of this, absolutely won't do it.

And now you have the fucking audacity to spam me once again with the worst apologies with fucking gifs of Homer from Simpsons begging, still use the false identities as to apologize - as if that somehow undoes anything??

Do you think I'm just gonna ignore this and pretend like nothing happened and let bygones be bygones? After all of these disgusting messages about actual things that can impact people VERY badly and cause them spiral? Or go through a traumatic episode just because you got a little bit mad cause I didn't indulge in your fetish which I didn't even know about?

You wanna know what would be the best thing for you to do right now? Stop making new accounts, quit spamming me and anyone else, and take a long-ass pause and reevaluate yourself and how you go about it, because none of this should be thrown around so freely. I don't care 'its the internet, who cares' - because no matter how many times you say that, there will always be people who will get scarred very badly just because you can't handle your hissy fits.

And if there is anything I can do about it, I WILL make this shit known, because I'm lucky enough to not be mentally affected by your nonsense. Someone else, however, might take it extremely badly. That being said, I WILL mention all of your account names, because I REFUSE to let someone else have this shit spammed.

Until you can prove you've changed and matured, I will not accept any apologies - I don't owe it to you - and I WILL keep updating with your account names.

Sincerely, get the fuck off of my page.

[baby-yongbok]

𝘗𝘪𝘯𝘬 + 𝘞𝘩𝘪𝘵𝘦

Hwang Hyunjin 𝗑 Afab!Reader

♡ Genre - Friends to Lovers

♡ CW - Explicit Sexual Content, Unprotected Sex, Nightmares, Alcohol usage by reader, Hyunjin calls reader rose as a nickname, One use of 'y/n'.

♡ Summary - Your avoidant tendencies have allowed the burn of pink and white to keep you Hyunjin at a safe distance until it all comes crashing down. Can the fire that kept you apart also be what brings you together?

♡ Word Count - 9.2k

♡ A/N - I went from not being sure if I liked this fic to being in love with it. I think that it's a very sweet fic and I loved writing it. I worked so hard on it and I'm so proud of it. The goal was for it to be 4k words.. then I almost posted it at 8k but now... yeah. I hope that you love this as much as I do!

♡ Playlist - Pink + White - Frank Ocean, Rainy Days - V, For Us - V, Beautiful Things - Benson Boone, Trajectories - Bruno Major

✧ Masterlist ✧

When you were six years old you punched a boy in the face on the playground. That was the first time that you ever felt the burn of genuine fear.

Your mom along with the many others came swirling around them. When your mother asked you what happened you cried. You clung to her running over to you and the crying brunette boy on the playground with a mix of emotions and explained the best you could through your tears that you didn’t like that he was chasing you, when you agreed to play tag you thought that you’d be the chaser not the one being chased.

That was the day that you learned two things about yourself, you have a habit of acting impulsively when you’re scared and you don’t like being chased. It's suffocating.

As you got older your friends described you as the avoidant type, especially in relationships. You developed a reputation for being an ice queen in your Sophomore year of university which led to you being one of the most sought after girls on campus. 

You’ve lost friends because of this. Their boyfriends saw getting close to them as a gateway to meeting you. Many guys took dating you as a challenge with an end prize of overnight popularity. Unfortunately, some of your closest relationships have been destroyed because of it. You learned not to be sad about it, you’ve come to terms with it, this is just the way that it goes. Of course your other friends were all important to you but you always told yourself that you’re alright with losing them as long as you have your best friend by your side. 

“More roses? Are you in love or something?” You weaved through the cluttered art studio that Hyunjin has claimed as his own. It’s on the dead side of campus on the second floor of a building that was abandoned last year. Your best friend refused to let the studio go when it was shut down, he says that it houses some of his fondest memories. 

“Always in love, never loved back.” He quips, eyes still trained on the canvas. “You’re early.”

You jump up onto one of the few clear desks in the room, right behind his easel. “Chemistry ended early.” Hyunjin stands straight, eyeing his canvas for a second before looking over at you. He knows that you’re skipping class. Your last hook-up is in that class and you're trying to avoid his attempt at getting you in his bed again. If you’re being honest, the decision to sleep with him was impulsive. You blame the beer, all eight of them.

“I thought that we could go to the exhibition early.” He starts another brush stroke and silence swallows you both. “I’m excited about it and if I’m being honest I just wanna spend time with you. I’ve barely seen you for the past three days.”

Hyunjin’s steady hand wavers and he thanks his lucky stars that you didn’t see it. “Aw she misses me. She loves me so much.” The sound of your feet hitting the ground as you jump off of the desk echoes through the dusty room of stacked chairs and forgotten storage items. 

Hyunjin stands and dips the paint brush covered in bright pink in the cup of water next to him. “You could’ve come to my place ya know.” You grab your stuff, swinging your bag onto your shoulder. 

“Your brother is there, you know how he gets.” You scrunch your face at the thought of Hyunjin’s step brother, Jeongin. The two of you get along perfectly, almost as well as you and Hyunjin until Jeongin starts flirting. He confessed to you on New Years and you’ve been avoiding him ever since. He’s too sweet for you, you’d hate to hurt him. “I’m gonna go change, I’ll meet you by your car.”

“You brought a costume change for an art exhibit?” He asks as he starts cleaning his space.

“Of course, I need to look like art too.” You smile at him but he doesn’t smile back, he rolls his eyes and turns his attention back to the mess of paints and rags on the desk in front of him. He waits until he hears the door open and close behind you to finally let the corners of his mouth turn up. He chuckles to himself quietly while his mind comes up with responses that he’d never dare to utter out loud.

“This one looks like you, rose.” The year old nickname slips off of Hyunjin’s tongue like silk. You’ve never fully understood how the name stuck. You figured that it’s because roses are his favorite flower and he thought it was cute. You’ve never asked for its origin but you don’t mind the name. It’s sweet.

You turn to view the series of pink, white and green dots making up a bouquet of roses on the framed canvas in front of Hyunjin. He studies it with smiling eyes though the neutral look on his face could fool those who haven’t experienced him like you have.

“It’s pretty.” You mumble as you lean your head on his shoulder. You wrap your arm around his and the sleeve of the brown oversized flannel shirt that you picked out a year ago rides up his forearm a bit, he blames the chills running up his spine on the breeze against the newly exposed skin. 

“I knew I’d see you here.” The voice of a woman next to Hyunjin startles you a bit. You stand straight and watch as Hyunjin smiles towards her. He’s cursing her in his head for interrupting the moment between the two of you but he learned a long time ago to just live in the moment when it comes to you.

“Of course, I had to see this exhibition.” He shakes her hand and you chalk it up to her being someone important though she doesn’t look much older than either of you. “You put it together beautifully.”

Ah, she owns the gallery. “Oh, please, it’s nothing. I just hope that you’re enjoying it. I actually thought about you when I put this piece up.” She motions towards the art in front of the two of you. The piece that Hyunjin says resembles you. “It looks like something you’d design. I’m still desperate to organize a local exhibition for you, ya know.”

Hyunjin laughs but it's stiff and polite. He’s being shy. He’s a very cautious person but he reaches a whole new level when it comes to his art. “I’m not quite on that level yet.”

“I disagree but I won’t bother you about it until you graduate. This is your final semester, right?” You can see her eyes smiling just like Hyunjin’s were a second ago as she checks him out. She’s shameless in her actions, the glint in her eyes is far from professional. 

“Yes, just three months to go.” She nods, dragging her gaze up from his lips with a smile. 

“Call me when you graduate, I’d love to have you working with us.” She pulls a business card out of her pocket and flashes one last smile before waving a reluctant goodbye towards your best friend. 

Silence settles between the two of you for just a couple of seconds before you break it. “She wants to fuck you so badly that she didn’t even look at me.” Hyunjin scoffs at your whispered words as he slips the card into his pocket. “Don’t tell me that you didn’t notice. How old is she anyway? She looks a bit young to be in charge of this place.”

“Her father owns it.” He mumbles as he grabs your wrist and leads you over to the next piece of art. 

“Oh, of course. She probably thought I was your girlfriend, ya know. She’s rude as hell for not even asking or looking at me. I know she saw me here, she’s clearly -” You’re pulled into Hyunjin’s side before you can finish your sentence. The sudden action cuts you off with a heavy thump of your heart and that painfully familiar burn rising in your chest. 

“Look at this one.” Your eyes are on him but his are on the art. “This one looks like you too.” You pull your gaze away from him to view the piece. The thumping in your chest doubles once your gaze meets your own. It’s a mirror with pink and white abstract designs floating around and over the glass. The paint is so messy yet strategic. It leaves just enough room for your reflection. 

“It’s messy yet elegant, don’t you think? You can’t help but to stare..” He’s visibly smiling now. The corners of his mouth turn up as he studies the art in front of him. As he studies you. “This one might be my favorite. It’ll be hard to beat it.”

“I don’t like it.” You mutter quickly, pulling away from Hyunjin and turning towards the next piece. You try your best to steady your breathing. You will your heart to calm down so that you can take a complete breath but it’s betraying you. “I’m gonna use the bathroom.” 

You’re walking away before Hyunjin can reply. He watches you with that smile in his eyes as you disappear around the corner. He knew that what he pulled would be a risk but it was one that he was willing to take. He doesn’t call you beautiful nearly as much as he should or as much as he really wants to. 

In the bathroom you’re slumped against the door of a stall while you try to catch your breath. You don’t like how Hyunjin’s words made that white hot burn in your chest kick up. You don’t like the way that his eyes being on you made you feel like you were the only two in the entire gallery. It’s suffocating. 

When you step out of the stall your fingers are busy on your phone screen. You find your friend Isa’s number quickly and take a sigh of relief when she answers on the third ring. You bypass reciprocating her kind greeting and get right to the point. 

“Get-together at yours tomorrow?”

You’re standing in the middle of the Pink and White art exhibition. Other viewers jumble together along the walls of the gallery and crowd the pieces. You can’t see anything but their blurred faces decorating the white walls. There’s a slow yet heavy beating in your ears but you’re comfortable. You’re alone in the middle of it all, watching everyone from a pleasant distance as you turn to study them all as if they’re the art on the walls.

 The beating in your ears skips as you turn and come face to face with Hyunjin. He’s standing in front of you wearing that brown hat that you love and the oversized flannel that he bought just to share with you.

 Suddenly the others in the room are quiet. All eyes are on you but Hyunjin’s gaze is the most piercing. His brown eyes are smiling at you with a softness that makes the flame in your chest burn brighter. 

“Why are you staring at me like that?” You look around at everyone else but they’ve vanished along with the art on the walls. The beating in your ears picks up, it’s deafening but Hyunjin’s voice can be heard loud and clear over the noise.  

“I like staring at you.” He takes a step towards you but you take two back. He frowns and steps forward again. You repeat the process until your back is against the wall. “Why do you do that?” 

“I’m not doing anything.” You swallow hard as you try to push him away but he’s stronger than you. As strong as stone caging you against the stark white wall. “I can’t breathe.” You’re pushing as hard as you can but it’s no use. You’re stuck under him.

“Why do you do this?” He’s still staring down at you, a burning gaze setting your skin ablaze. “Why do you keep running?” The beating in your ears drowns out all sensible thoughts. You can feel your veins swelling with fear and the blinding white burning in your chest puffs up with the crushing pressure of having him so close. Too close. 

“Back up.” You inhale the thick air, feeling dizzy. “Move.”

“Stop running.” You try to inhale but it gets stuck in your throat. You want to scream. You need to escape. You need to get out of here. 

You lift your heavy arm the best you can and pull back enough to punch Hyunjin. You aim for his face but your fist goes through him just as your lungs start to burn, you take one last look at him before the wall behind you gives out and you’re falling backwards. Hyunjin watches you, his eyes are void of that sparkling smile and guilt consumes you right before you hit the ground.

You jump up with a gasp as your eyes frantically search the room around you. Your chest rises and falls heavily and sweat beads at your hairline.

It was a dream. 

Friday is a late day for you with your last class ending at nine in the evening. Hyunjin always waits for you in the abandoned art studio, he waits for two hours just to walk you to your dorm across campus. It’s become a routine for the two of you but you told him not to wait up tonight. He was reluctant at first, he insisted on waiting for you but you were adamant about breaking your routine.

He agreed eventually but you could see the dejection in his eyes as he hugged you goodbye before your last class. He watched you walk away just like he always did but this time his heart was heavy in his chest. Did he do something wrong? 

That question haunted him throughout the day. It was loud in his head as he collected his stuff and made his way to the abandoned studio. It echoed in his ears as he tried to finish the painting of his vibrant rose that he’s added notes of dusty pale pink to. But it was the loudest when Jeongin called him to ask if he was going to the get-together at Minho’s place tonight.

He knows that you and Minho’s girlfriend Isa are close so you have to know about this, hell, you might’ve even helped plan it and you kept it from him. You’re avoiding him.

You skipped your class to head to Minho and Isa’s place. They share a small apartment right off of campus that you often use as an escape. Isa is one of the few friends that you still have from sophomore year since her boyfriend has never once tried to get in your pants. 

You sat on Isa’s bed clutching a bottle of soju that is not at all meant for one person while you laid your head in her lap. You loved being with her because there was never any pressure to fill the silence. She understands you in a way that other people just don’t. Not even Hyunjin. 

“So, he called you pretty?” You’ve been telling her everything from what happened at the art gallery to the nightmare you had last night. “And now you’re avoiding him?”

“I’m not avoiding him.” You take a swig from the glass bottle and gulp hard to rush the alcohol into your system. “I’m just being careful.”

“You’re being careful by avoiding your best friend… because he called you pretty and you had a nightmare about it?” You sit up with a groan, lifting the bottle to your mouth again with a sigh. She’s not getting it. 

“You didn’t see the way he looked at me. You didn’t feel the way he pulled me into him, his arm wrapped around my waist and he just stared at me with that smile in his eyes. You know the one that makes his eyes shine when he sees something pretty? He was looking at me like that and he told me that I looked elegant. Messy but elegant and that he couldn’t help but to stare. There was a softness in his voice, I swear, and he just wouldn’t take his eyes off of me. It’s like he was looking into me instead of at me it was… it was..”

“Sweet?” You tap the bottle in your hands with your nails. 

“Suffocating. It was too much. It made my heart skip and it made me feel hot.” 

“That usually means that you like him, ya know.” She takes the bottle from you, drinking from it a bit herself. “ You know that he’s a romantic and this isn’t the first time you’ve felt like this with him.” She hands the cold glass back to you while you think back to the other times that you’ve felt this. The latest being your birthday three months ago when Hyunjin whisked you away to the next city for a mini getaway. 

You stayed in the same hotel room and on the night of your birthday you had a bit too much to drink. He carried you up to your room since you were too out of it to walk but you weren’t too far gone to forget the way that he handled you with such gentle care.

He brushed your hair out of your face when he laid you on your bed and took your make-up off with such a tender touch that it made you want to kiss him. You almost kissed him. 

“I don’t like him like that.” You shrug and she sighs. 

“Whatever you say, ice queen.” That damned nickname makes you cringe but Minho is bursting through the door before you can rebuttal. 

“Jisung and Bin just got here, come on.” You stare at him with confused eyes and he crosses his arms as he stares back at you. “Well? Get up, you wanted to do this.”

“Do what?” You look over at Isa who’s already getting up from the bed.

“Did you not call her asking for a get-together? People are getting here so come on. I’m not hosting this by myself.” Your heart drops and you stare over at Isa who looks back at you with her own look of confusion until it all sinks in.

 “You meant for it to be just us, didn’t you?”

Hyunjin is a cautious person, anyone who knows him knows that about him. He doesn’t like when things go wrong because of him. It eats him alive until he can fix it and if he can’t he lets the anxiety consume him until a part of him dies with the memory of it all. 

His cautious nature is what prompted him to drive home after he got that call from Jeongin. It brought him right to his bedroom where he dropped his bag by the foot of his bed and laid back against the mattress with a death stare set on the dull ceiling. It stared back at him, reflecting his thoughts back to him for him to analyze. 

His brother left for the get-together as soon as he walked through the door and Hyunjin was tempted to follow him down to Seungmin’s car.

He was tempted to drop his bag and turn on his heels and come straight to you but he knew better. He knew you better than you knew yourself. If he shows up at that get-together you’ll avoid him like the plague. You’ll feel trapped by his presence and any hope that he has of fixing this situation will die right in front of his eyes. 

His cautious nature is what’s keeping him on his bed. It’s what’s grounding him to this spot and sating the burning desire to chase you. The problem is that the fire in his chest is bigger than he can handle. He’s seen how you treat the men you want to avoid on campus, he’s seen you take the long way home just to avoid a conversation and the thought of you doing that to him makes him wilt. He can’t let that happen. 

His feet are carrying him across his room before he can even fully process it. He opens his closet and pulls out the brown flannel along with his brown beanie. They’ve become comfort items for the both of you at this point, especially the flannel. It feels like a thread connecting you to him and him to you. He needs to save that connection.

 He sloppily throws on the items while he checks the clock. He’s nearly two hours late but there’s still time. 

Hyunjin has never gotten a speeding ticket but he was nearly positive that he’d get one tonight. He made it to Minho’s place in record time but he’s panting when he knocks on the door like he’s ran there. His heart is hammering when Isa answers the door and the look on her face when she takes him in only makes his heart beat faster. 

She forces a smile, inviting him in and telling him where everything is but he already knows all of that and she knows that he does. “She doesn’t want to see me does she?” Isa sighs, giving him a look that answers each and every one of his questions all at once. 

“Thanks for letting me in.” He walks past her with a nervous huff, making his way into the small party and searching for you immediately. He finds Changbin and Chan before he can find you and the two quickly drag him into a conversation about gods know what while wedging a glass bottle of mystery liquid into his fist. 

Hyunjin’s eyes wander in an attempt to find you as he ignores his friends' conversation. Luckily it didn’t take long for the sound of your loud laughter to echo through the room. His eyes were on you in an instant once he heard it. You’re right in front of him sitting in the truth or dare circle with a can of something strong in your hand. You’re always the loudest in the room but right now you seem to be the drunkest too, you shouldn’t be playing that game you’ll do something reckless.  

He wants to go over and pull you up, he wants to tell you that you’re going home and that you need to sober up. He wants to get you to talk to him but he ignores everything he wants and watches you instead. He stays cautious and keeps his distance. 

“Y/n, truth or dare.” One of your few girl friends, Harvey asks from across the circle. You answer ‘dare’ with a wide smile, it’s no surprise, you always pick that. The raven haired girl looks over to Mingi for assistance since she’s known for picking terrible dares. After a couple seconds of deliberation the blonde perks up with an idea.

“I dare you to kiss whoever this bottle lands on.” Mingi dares with a nonchalant smile and you shrug, the alcohol in your system is surely boosting your confidence but it’s not like you’ll remember any of this tomorrow so who cares, right?

He spins the bottle in the middle of the circle and everyone watches with quiet anticipation as it lands on the copper haired boy sitting three people away from you. It’s Jeongin. 

He stops in the middle of sipping from his cup and flashes you a small innocent smile but what you return to him is nothing less than a look of raw seduction. You’re on your feet in an instant, making your way over to him with low and hazy eyes. You straddle him swiftly, getting comfortable in his lap like you’ve done this a hundred times. 

“You sure about this, noona?” His hands rest on your thighs, he brushes his thumbs over the bareskin and you can feel a shiver down your spine. It almost reminds you of how Hyunjin touched you on your birthday. 

“Do you not wanna kiss me?” You tease him with a slight slur to your voice. You know he wants to kiss you, everyone does except for Hyunjin, right? 

Just as that thought passes your eyes flicker up and meet those of the very man on your mind. He’s watching you with an angry gaze as he fists the neck of the glass bottle in his hand. Your mouth goes dry as you take him in, when did he get here? You feel stuck staring at him, everything around you is suddenly muted and the people around you disappear. It’s only you and Hyunjin.

Both of your hearts are pounding in your chest. 

Both of you feel like you can’t breathe. 

Both of you are about to do something that you shouldn’t.

“Kiss her already!” Ryujin instigates from across the circle and you snap out of your haze and blink down at Jeongin. You both share a smile, one more genuine than the other, before he’s leaning into you. His lips just barely brush against yours before you’re interrupted.

A firm grip on your shoulder startles you and the man under you. You both look up to meet the eyes of the angry Hyunjin above you.“Get up.” He practically growls with a slight tug on your arm. You stare up at him with glassy eyes though you are feeling a bit more sober now. “Get. Up.” 

You’re being pulled up before you can process it. Your feet fight to keep up with him as you stumble towards the bedroom he’s leading you to. You can feel all eyes on you, you can feel the room getting smaller once he locks the bedroom door behind the two of you and pulls his flannel off to drape over your shoulders, something that he does to comfort you. 

“What the fuck?” That’s all you can manage to get out of your mouth as you stare over at him. He stares back with his arms crossed and his chest rising and falling with what you perceive as anger but he would describe as anxiety. Pure fear. 

“Do you understand what you were about to do?” Hyunjin tries to be mindful of his tone. He tries to limit the waver of his words and calm the frantic thoughts in his head. He’s trying. “Why would you kiss him?”

“I didn’t.” The alcohol in your system takes over again and you thank the ridiculous amount of soju you’ve consumed for coming to the rescue. You tug on the flannel resting over your shoulders, pretending that its warmth would protect you from the buzzing in your head and inevitable burning in your chest.

“You would’ve if I didn’t stop you. What happened to you not being into Jeongin? What happened to you not wanting to hurt him?”

You groan, stomping your foot like a child being scolded by their guardian. Like the little girl who punched the brunette boy in the face for chasing her. “Why don’t you mind your business?”

Hyunjin scoffs, his anxiety grows in his chest and he takes a step back. “You are my business.” 

It’s silent for one, two, three heartbeats before the dizzying emotions burning in your chest fill in the silence for you. “Well maybe I shouldn’t be. You’re way too attached to me.”

Hyunjin feels frozen even though he’s stepping back from you. He’s creating more space between the two of you just like you seem to be doing. What do you mean by that? You’re rambling on before he can ask. “You do all of these things that make me feel like I can’t breathe. You call me pretty and you touch me softly and you hold me close and… and you just make me feel hot. You suffocate me.”

Hyunjin whispers through the bubbles forming in his throat. He’s gentle with the way he speaks, he is a cautious person after all, especially when it comes to his art. “Is this about what I said at the gallery?”

His question goes in one ear and right out the other. Your brain formulates words quicker than you can process them, creating a violent episode of word vomit that threatens to spill over your lips and onto the carpet but you swallow hard and condense it all into one simple yet seering sentence. “You keep making my heart race, it’s not fair. You need to go, just go.”

Hyunjin’s blood runs cold and his temples throb like you’ve hit him. Like you’ve punched him in the face. Anxiety bubbles in his veins and swells behind his eyes. It’s his turn to ramble, the word vomit seems to be contagious. 

“I’m not leaving.” His gaze is frantic, cautious, scared. “I am too attached, you’re right. I have been for a while. I’ve loved you for a while and I tried to hide it but I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t be scared that I’ll lose my best friend if I tell her that she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”

 “No, you are not confessing to me right now. Don’t you dare do that.” You pace to the left then the right in a hurried attempt to escape his words before they could reach you. He can’t be doing this right now. You needed to get out of here.

“I am. I am confessing to you. I need you to hear me say that I love you because I do and it scares me just as much as it scares you but you are the reason that it’s scaring me. Losing you is the reason that I’m afraid and I need you to tell me that that isn’t going to happen.” His voice is shaky just like your hands. He watches you like a dog being dropped off at the pound as you physically try to escape him. He knew this would happen, this is what he was afraid of. 

“Stop. Just stop it, Hyunjin. You’re doing it again, I can’t breathe when you’re this close to me.” He stares over at you from the other side of the room and you stare back at him. This doesn’t make any sense. He isn’t next to you but you still can’t breathe. It doesn’t make any sense. “I have to go - I have - just… just leave me alone.” You turn towards the bedroom door but he speaks up before you can make your escape. 

“I’m not going to chase you.” Hyunjin is unmoving. His feet are still planted to the floor like a statue as he slips his fists into his pocket. “I don’t want to push you further away but don’t you dare go home and convince yourself that I don’t care just because I let you go.” 

You listen to him over your hammering heart with your back turned to him and your unsteady gaze trained on the worn door knob. “I’m letting you go with the hope that you’ll come back. You know where to find me.” 

Your feet threaten to betray you, they try to turn you around and drive you over to him but your heart is screaming. That white flame is burning in your chest and begging you to run. Run as fast as you can and find safety, but your safety is standing behind you. It’s watching you with teary eyes that are desperate to meet yours. 

A tear slips down your cheek as you grab the doorknob and pull it with a quick twist. You follow your heart and rush out of the room with tears decorating your face and your hand over your mouth. You let the burning win again.

You rush past everyone, Isa tries to stop you and Minho even catches you for a minute but you fight him off of you and make your way to the front door. You don’t get too far before the last layer of your resolve snaps, You turn onto the next dark block and sink to the ground. Sobs rip through you as Hyunjin’s words hang in your head. He loves you. He wants you but you left him. You left everything you’ve ever wanted behind you. 

A heavier sob escapes you as the truth of it all comes crashing down. You love him too, don’t you? You’ve loved him for so long. Since your birthday and beyond that but you’ve been avoiding it. You’ve avoided your feelings just like you have everything else. You’ve punched yourself in the face, you’ve chased yourself into a corner and now you might just lose everything you have left. You might lose your best friend.

The storms over the next two days swirl the skies into mysterious clouds of pink and white as rain soaks the grass the same way that you’ve soaked your pillow for hours. You’ve opted to stay in, avoiding anything or anyone that could remind you of Friday’s catastrophe.

 You’ve debated texting Jeongin and apologizing for what you remember of the situation. You almost called Isa to spill the fears bubbling in your lungs to her so that she could help you sort through them but she can’t. This is up to you. You need to make a choice. Will you run away from the fire or towards it? 

On the other side of campus Hyunjin sits in the abandoned studio with paint stained hands and dried tears on his cheeks. He’s left his previous painting incomplete. The bright blushing rose sits across the room with the others just like it while he touches his brush to the canvas and smears a smoky mauve to the pristine white flesh. His lines are messy and uncalculated. Far from cautious. 

For a moment he considers that he was only ever careful because of you. Your lack of control over your emotions inspired him to fill in the blanks for you. Now there’s no need for caution without you.

The rain carried into Monday along with the emptiness in your chest. You’ve typed and deleted paragraphs to Hyunjin who has done the same as he sat on the studio floor.

He stayed in the dusty room until midnight each day that he was without you and you stayed up well past then. He poured himself into painting and you poured yourself onto the carpet of your dorm room. You made lists and mapped your emotions until it all started to make a bit more sense. Until the love that burned alongside your hot white fear was glowing pink in the mirror. 

You skipped your classes on Monday, your feet drove you over to the dead side of campus through the violent rain. You stood in the hallway outside of Hyunjin’s studio. The worn copper doorknob stared back at you like it knew what you were here to do. Like it was daring you to go inside. You suck in a breath as you grab the metal, you’ve never been one to back down from a dare.

The studio is empty when you walk inside. The fading warm light of the lamps that you and Hyunjin bought and snuck in illuminate the space the best that they can given the dull pink skies. Your eyes catch on the new piece sitting up on his easel. It’s dark and runny, it’s raw and it feels like it’s calling your name. 

“Hi.” Hyunjin’s voice snaps you out of your thoughts. His voice is small and surprised as he stares over at your frame clad in that famous brown flannel and sweatpants. 

“Hi.” You whisper back. He looks like a mess. Brown hat, pulled too far over his head and his hair spilling from every exit it can find. “More roses?” 

He stares passed you and over at the wilting petals on the canvas with a sad smile. “It’s like I’m in love or something.” 

Your guilt tinged heart beats a bit faster when he steps further into the room and closes the door behind him. He drops his bag next to the door and stares at the dinghy tile with his hands in his pockets. “I’m sorry. For everything, for the party and everything with your brother and for everything that I said.” 

The word vomit is back. It spilled over your lips before you could attempt to swallow it back but you’re almost thankful for it. You have no clue how you’d get your words out otherwise. “You just made me feel… I just felt..” You kick at the cracked tile as if it holds the answers you’re looking for but Hyunjin beats you to it.

“Suffocated.” His eyes are on you now, they’re low and shadowed in a longing sadness. “I’ve seen this happen a million times to other guys and I thought that I was being careful enough to avoid it.” 

“This is nothing like the other guys.” Your bag slumps off of your shoulder and you carelessly allow it to hit the floor. “Your confession just -” He cuts you off with a tight smile.

 “I know. It ruined everything.” He sighs, sad eyes examining the space between the two of you. “I ruined everything and I’m sorry for that, rose. I really am.”

“It didn't. It didn’t ruin anything, it just scared me. I felt suffocated, yes, but not by you. It was by what I felt for you. That’s why this isn’t like what happened with any of the other guys. I never wanted them. Avoiding them was easy but you… avoiding you..” Hyunjin watches your heaving chest with the caution that he thought had abandoned him. He’s quiet, allowing you time to gather your thoughts. He doesn’t want to corner you, he just wants to hear you. 

“Why do you call me that?” You whisper once your breathing has steadied. “Why did you start calling me rose?”

Suddenly he’s looking past you then down at the tile under his feet. He leans against the door behind him, a faint smile decorating his sad face. “You were wearing one in your hair on the day that I realized I love you.” He looks over to where his easel is set up. “We were sitting right there and you had a pale pink rose behind your left ear. You picked me one to match and I told you that it was my favorite flower because in that moment it was. It was beautiful but you…your beauty is hard to beat.”

Your heart is thumping in your ears, it’s a sound that you’ve grown comfortable with over the past few days. The clutter of the abandoned room almost seems to disappear as you process his words. The burning in your chest makes itself known along with the newly identified pink flame. The white walls of the studio almost seem brighter as you receive Hyunjin’s confession. You let it sink in and drown out the tension little by little. “So when you paint them…”

“I’m painting you. I’m always painting you.” The thumping is deafening but Hyunjin is clear over the noise. He has always been the only one who can cut through it all, even in your dreams. 

You can feel yourself falling just like in your nightmare only it’s forwards. You’re falling forwards as your feet carry you to him. You run. You run to him and you fall into his arms that have been desperate to catch you for months. The burn in your chest is paralyzing, it’s seering and fighting the pink flame for dominance. 

You cry into his chest, you sob as the pain of running into the fire engulfs you. It swallows you whole and you stand in it with him, you cling to him before you burn to ash and he holds you like he knows it all. He cradles the back of your head like he can feel the fire ripping your flesh apart. 

You’re flush against him, tears soaking his shoulder and burning all over until he does what no one has done before. He puts it all out. A simple kiss to the top of your head dowses the flame and reduces it to a measly spark of fear overshadowed by an uncontainable pink and white glow of love in your chest. 

You gasp at the cooling effect. Air rushes into your lungs and you can finally breathe, he’s the oxygen you needed. He’s everything you’ve needed but now you want to give your air away again. You want to give it all to him. 

You pull away from his shoulder in one swift motion, your eyes are shut tight as your lips find his and you pull him into a hard and messy kiss. The sound that escapes you both is desperate and beautiful. His lips move with yours in an uncoordinated rhythm that makes your lungs burn comfortably. They burn the way that they’re supposed to. 

Hyunjin cries into the kiss. Tears stream down his cheeks as he cradles you against him like you’d vanish if he didn’t. He drinks it all in, he allows himself to live in this moment that he’s been dying to have with you for what feels like an eternity before he reluctantly breaks the kiss. 

His eyes are still closed when he pulls away. He whispers to you, careful not to crack the shell of this delicate moment. “I thought you -” 

“I don’t want to keep running. I can’t, I need you. I can’t lose you.” Your eyes flutter open at the same time as his. He stares down at you with that smile in his eyes. That smile he has when he sees something beautiful, when he’s utterly enamored by the sight before him. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to do any of this, I only know that I want to do it with you.”

He’s quiet for a couple of seconds before a smile sneaks up on him. It fades just as quickly as it came and his eyebrows pinch together. “You want me?” You nod and the smile shows itself again. 

“I want you.” He leans back in, cupping your cheek as he kisses you hard. His body pushes against yours and you move with him as he walks backwards towards one of the few empty desks and lifts you onto it. 

His hands explore every inch of you that he can reach. He balls his fist over the baggy flannel hiding your body from him while your fingers tangle in his hair and scratch over his shoulders and up his arms.

 He breaks the kiss to run his lips over the flushed flesh of your neck, he whispers into your skin between each kiss “Tell me to stop.” He pulls at the collar of the flannel to kiss the curve of your neck. “I’ve waited so long for this, please tell me to stop. Tell me to wait.”

You push his head further into the crook of your neck as you tilt your head further to give him better access. “I don’t want you to.” He sucks a mark into the skin right below your ear and you pull his tucked in shirt from his pants with an elated moan. 

His clumsy fingers fight to unbutton the oversized flannel as yours attempt to unbutton his jeans. You reach your goal before he does and waste no time capitalizing on your victory. You dip your hand in just enough to fish his growing erection from his briefs and wrap your hand around it. 

Hyunjin moans at the stimulation, leaning his forehead against yours and squeezing his eyes shut as you stroke him slowly. “Fuck, please don’t, I wont - I can’t last.”

 You kiss his temple softly, whispering reassurance that you don’t care to have him last, you just want to have him. Once he’s centered himself again he continues his struggle to expose your body to him. The final button falls open like the curtain to a play and he stares down your scantily clad torso like an audience in awe. 

His hand moves on its own as he admires you. It dips into the waistband of your sweatpants and swipes over your clothed clit.

 Your head falls forward to rest on his shoulder with a quiet moan as he groans into the air. Your grip on his cock tightens a bit in response to the sensation and he hisses. “Please tell me I can feel you. Is it okay? Can I?” 

He doesn't want your first time to be here but he wants you. He needs you. 

Hyunjin hooks a finger into the damp gusset of your panties and pulls it to the side just enough to slip a finger into your waiting cunt. You pant in his ear, wanton moans bubble over the brim of your lips as his free hand cradles the side of your neck. “Look at me, please look at me, baby.”

 He runs his thumb over your cheek, brushing over the path of your dried tears. “So pretty, this must be a dream.” You shake your head. Speaking between moans. “Not a dream, baby.”

 He slips in another finger as you circle your palm over the head of his cock and you both moan. “Please tell me I can.” He leans his forehead against yours, his desperate eyes reflect the look in your own.

“You can. Please, I want you to.” 

“Have you ever thought about it?” He’s asking before he can process it and you’re shaking your head before he can even finish his sentence. A shy glaze washes over your desperate gaze as you watch him undress you.

 “You’re all I ever think about.” He whispers as he hooks his thumbs into the band of your pants. “You’re all I’ve wanted for the past year.” 

“I’ve loved you since my birthday.” You blurt out, vulnerable eyes peering into his. “Maybe even before that.” He runs a finger over your clothed cunt and you shudder under the touch.

“I wanted to kiss you the night of your birthday. You looked so beautiful but you were wasted. You wouldn’t have remembered. I just stared at you, I took your make-up off and I brushed the hair from your face and you stared back at me. I was just dying to kiss you. I was dying to confess.” Your hand runs slowly up his shaft and he swears that he feels electric. 

“I wanted to kiss you too.” He’s quiet, staring back at you with a smile. “That’s why I was staring”

“I kissed your forehead when you fell asleep.”  He pulls your panties down your legs, allowing them to pool at his feet with your sweatpants. “I knelt by your bed and whispered my confession to you.” 

His fingers are filling you again and you gasp while staring into his eyes. “I wanna hear it.” You whisper through a moan.

 “You want to hear my confession?” You nod, your gently fucked out gaze stares into his like your hypnotized by the moment. He scissors his finger into you, stretching you out just a bit before you’re gasping from the stretch of him replacing his fingers with his length. 

“Fuck, you’re inside of me.” Hyunjin stills with a groan. His forehead rests on your shoulder while he silently begs himself not to come undone just yet. He sucks in a breath before he recites all that he can remember. 

“You’re everything that I thought it would be to fall in love.” He whispers as he pulls back, thrusting into you slowly. “You really snuck up on me, I don’t know what I expected though.” He lifts his head to look at you as he sinks back into you. “You became my world so quickly. So effortlessly.”

 You cup his face with both of your hands as you bite back your moans. You want to hear him loud and clear. You want to remember every word. “I should’ve known that I’d fall in love when I first met you.” He picks up the pace, falling into a messy rhythm that’s accompanied by a fit of moans and grunts. 

He struggles to keep his eyes on you. They flutter shut with each thrust as he feels himself float closer and closer to his climax. “Baby, I won’t last.” You wrap your arms around his neck and one of his wraps around your waist while the other rests on your thigh before creeping over to softly pinch and rub your clit. 

“Hyune, you’re gonna make me - gonna -” He cuts you off with a sloppy kiss, his tongue brushes over your parted lips to request access before making room for itself against yours.

“If you tell me that you’re gonna cum I won’t last another second.” He whispers against your lips and you moan against his.

“What if I tell you that I love you.” Hyunjin’s eyebrows pinch at the confession. That’s way worse than telling him that you’re close. “I’ve loved you back for as long as - as long as you’ve loved me.”

“Rose, baby, you’re gonna -” It’s your turn to kiss him now, it’s a mess of teeth and tongue but you love it. You love him and him you.

 You both pull away in tandem, twin moans ripping through your chests as you both announce yourself to the other. 

“I’m cumming, I’m cumming.” Hyunjin pulls out of you, painting your thighs in his sticky white release while his fingers toy with your clit to ride you through your orgasm. It’s loud and messy and beautiful. A romantic elegance that you want to live in for as long as it’s available. 

Once you’ve both come down from your high Hyunjin kisses your sweaty forehead and you kiss his. He pulls his bottoms up before grabbing the cleanest paint rag he has to clean you up. A comfortable silence settles around you as you ground yourself and take in the space.

“You didn’t finish that one.”

He follows your gaze over to the painting of the pale pink rose. The middle of the canvas contrasts the rest with nothing but dull line art to show the completed picture. It looks like a work in progress. “I know, but I think I like it like that.” He looks back over at you and you at him.

“It looks like you."

It’s been seven months. Graduation has come and gone in the middle of your blooming relationship with Hyunjin and you’ve dedicated each and every second of your budding love to taming the flame. 

Each kiss from him has kept the spark of fear at bay and each touch has taught you how to stop running. It’s been a slow and cautious process that he is more than proud to be a part of. He takes pride in it. He takes pride in being with you.

The smooth breeze of late summer brushes against your skin as you step out of your car. The white dress that Hyunjin picked out for you sticks to you like paint on a canvas as you make your way up to the art gallery. 

It’s buzzing inside, people stand and stare in awe at each piece while whispering and pointing to their favorite details. You stop and stand in the middle of it all, taking it all in with a slow spin on the balls of your feet. You take in every corner until you turn around completely and you’re met with the face of the artist himself. 

“Hi.” Hyunjin smiles down at you, brown baggy flannel hanging from his shoulders. 

“Hi.” You stare back at him with a gleaming smile in your eyes. You take in every inch of him, scanning him like he should be framed and hanging on the walls around you. 

“Why are you staring at me like that?” Hyunjin wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you closer to him. “I like staring at you.” Your response makes him beam a shy smile. 

“You should be staring at the art. The artist might get sad if you don’t.” He kisses your forehead before letting you go. Some people around you stare over at the two of you with curious eyes. They’re eager to put a face to the muse of the showing artist. 

You take his hand and lead him over to the piece that a couple is walking away from. You stand in front of it hand in hand as you study it for what feels like the millionth time. “This one is my favorite.” The incomplete pale pink rose stares back at you.

“And why is that?” Hyunjin has that smile in his eyes as he stares up with you. The memory of this piece's origin plays behind his eyes like a memorized movie. 

“I’ve been told that it looks like me.” You lay your head on his shoulder and wrap your arm around his. A chill runs up his spine and he blames it on you. You and the love he feels glowing pink and white around you. 

“There you are.” History repeats itself as the lady that you’ve come to know as Dalia interrupts the two of you. “I wanted to check in with you, how does it feel to finally have your own exhibition?” 

Hyunjin smiles at her politely, turning towards her a bit with his fingers still threaded through yours. “It’s amazing. Thank you, you’ve done a wonderful job putting this together.” 

“Oh, please, it’s nothing. This is all you.” You watch her as her eyes smile just as they always have. Her hand brushes over his arm in a carefully calculated move. She’s still shameless and unprofessional. “This piece is my favorite. The unfinished look is unique and raw. What inspired this one?” 

You grin to yourself as you listen to her. She’s trying so hard that it’s difficult not to laugh. 

“Actually.” Hyunjin pulls your hand a bit, leading you forward so that you’re right next to him. It’s impossible for Dalia to ignore you now. Her eyes scan you reluctantly and the smile on her face falters for a second before she pulls it together. Gosh, that's gratifying. 

“My lovely rose here is the inspiration for it all.” Hyunjin looks over at you with a glow that is unmatched even by the largest of flames. “None of this would be possible without her.” 

It’s like Dalia disappears once Hyunjin looks over at you. You’re the only two in the room as far as you’re concerned. “Oh, well that’s just - that’s wonderful.” Her staggered speech pulls you both out of your loving haze. 

“Such a … sweet profession of love.” She glares over at you though you’re sure that in her head she’s doing a wonderful job at hiding her contempt. “I should make sure that everything is running smoothly. Please excuse me.” 

She clears her throat awkwardly before she departs, you and Hyunjin both bid her smiling farewells before turning to each other with wide smiles. “Show off.” You push his shoulder playfully and he laughs.

“I didn’t do anything.” You roll your eyes as you both wander over to the next piece on the wall. You stare up at the two pink roses in a lone vase, a shadow of sunlight casts down on them both as they rise towards its shining glow. 

A comfortable silence blankets the two of you while you listen to the soft buzz of the people around you. You squeeze his hand softly and he squeezes back just as you open your mouth to speak. 

“She still wants to fuck you.” He smiles 

“Shut up.”

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[hughiecampbelle]

The Boys Preference: Being Their Younger Sibling And Part Of The Boys

Requested: Hi! Cliche preference I am sorry, but how would each of The Boys act if R their younger sibling who helps out with the boys is like this really sweet and genuinely nice person to all? Would they be protective, or annoyed, just an idea! Love your work! - anon

A/N: Not cliche at all my love! I absolutely adore this idea! I will 10000% be writing more about being Homelanders sibling!! Thank youuuu I hope you like it!!! Feedback is always appreciated 💜

Butcher wants nothing to do with you. When you're old enough, years after Lenny's death, you escape home and track down Billy. You had nothing. Billy took you in under the guise that it would be temporary and it wouldn't meddle with his work. Bit by bit you learned from M.M. and Frenchie about Becca and Ryan and Vought. You make it known you want to help. Billy forbids you and threatens The Boys: if they even so much as look at you, he'll kill them. Stubbornness runs in the family, though. You worm your way in whether he likes it or not. It's not that didn't miss you or think about you, he just can't bear the thought of you getting hurt. Or killed. Especially at the hands of Vought. It's become a habit for everyone to call him Butcher and you Little Butcher so as not to get confused. Now that there's two of you to keep track of, everyone's a little more annoyed and a lot less forgiving for poor behavior.

Hughie worries about you so much. This life has taken everything from him, he can't imagine why you'd want to join. Still, he knows he can't stop you. You were always coming to his defense as kids, sticking up for him against bullies. You were his backbone for a lot of your childhood. When you want something you go for it. He can't help but lecture you, even over the smallest stuff. After your father passes and your mother finds her way into your lives, he's extra protective. Especially after Tek Knights party, he doesn't let you out of his sight. He's not glad it happened, but he sure is grateful it was him and not you. You've been stabbed and hurt and nearly killed. He jokes that it's taken years off hid life, but there's some truth to it. You're all he's got. He can't lose you. He can't let this life kill you.

Annie stopped talking to your mother a long time ago, but she never stopped calling you. Like your sister, you got a dose of V and trained hard, wanting to be the first pair of siblings in The Seven. After Annie publicly leaves and turns her back on them, you're not sure what to think. Tired of her avoiding the questions, you confront her. You track her down and barge into where The Boys are. You guys get into a pretty serious fight, one everyone can hear through the thin walls. Annie abandoned you. She left Vought and became this fantastical symbol. She had a life and you weren't a part of it. You wanted her to stop lying and avoiding you and tell you exactly what was going on. It takes most of the night, but she tells you everything. In the end, she wants to send you back home with your mother, but you refuse. The Boys need every advantage they can get, that includes you and your abilities. She's not thrilled, but she understands you're an adult, she can't stop you.

M.M. forbids you. Janine is getting into trouble and he's having panic attacks and he just can't have you trying this now. He can't babysit you on top of everything else. You remind him you're an adult, that you're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. He can yell and scream all he wants, you both know you're not going to stop wanting this. It was your grandfather and father too who were killed by Supes and the stress. You didn't walk away from that unscathed. You had a right to be upset and a right to want to stop Vought. You kept your distance, but Marvin was blowing you off any chance he could get. You got his address from Monique and made a surprise appearance. Butcher tells you everything. You're furious your brother didn't tell you sooner. You could have been a part of this from the beginning. Butcher reminds you it's never too late, but Marvin tells you to go home and leave it to the professionals. You don't. You can't. This is too important. He doesn't like it, but he can't stop you. He never could.

Frenchie couldn't have been happier to have you in his life. Your upbringing was harsh, your father a monster. When he left for New York, he had to make a choice: leave you behind or take you along with him. In the end, he left you behind. The guilt killed him, but you never blamed him. Not then, not now. You learned a lot from him, you're as equally as skilled. As soon as he becomes a part of The Boys, he asks Mallory to look for you. You vanished though. He'd assumed your father had killed you. It isn't until years later that you reappear looking for him, for Serge. You might not have an entire team of powers and knowledge, buy you're smart and skilled and you track him down. He doesn't recognize you at first. You're so much more grown up. But he knows your voice. You're the only one who calls him Serge and most of your conversations are entirely in French. Neither of you are particularly proud of your pasts, choosing instead to live in the moment. When you ask if you can join him he's over the moon. His baby, his best friend, reunited again.

Kimiko can't believe it's you. Like your sister, you and Kenji were captured by the SLLA. Then you and Kimiko were later taken and given Compound V. After that you two were split up. She never thought you made it. It's years later that you escape, killing everyone in your path. Police plaster your face all over the News where Kimiko recognizes you immediately. You're older of course, but you'd always be her baby. She can't let it happen all over again like how it went with Kenji, she can't lose you. Kimiko hunts you down, alongside The Boys, who are wary of you. She assured them you couldn't hurt a fly. The carnage you leave in your wake tells a different story. When you do reconnect, she makes sure they don't draw any of their weapons. You two sign for what feels like forever before she takes you back to The Boys hideout. It hurts her, but she wants to know what happened in all the years between. You and your sister are unstoppable. Literally. You were never meant to have normal lives. This was how it was supposed to be. Trying to be normal just got you hurt.

Bonus! Homelander absolutely fucking hates you. You were created long after him, but you had the same upbringing, the same childhood. The only anomaly was that you turned out far more humane. Because of this, Vought needed extra time to break you in. You never did, though. Not as severely as your brother. Vought was going to turn your debut into this grand political scheme, a massive fuck you to anyone who thought they could stop them, but before they could, you broke out of the labs. Eventually you found your way to The Boys. You and Homelander have identical abilities, though you're not layering through people's skulls or letting entire planes worth of people die. None of them believed you at first, but after you told them about your upbringing and your powers, they had no choice but to believe you. You were exactly what they needed. You and your brother were equals. John wanted you dead just like he wanted the rest of The Boys dead. Keeping you alive was necessary for now. So, he let you live.

[babyangelsky]

Peat's acting is stupendous and it's hurting my feelings

I need to talk about the bedroom scene and the fight that preceded it because it felt like I was having a mirror held up to me and looking at my younger self and in doing, so I've come to love Tongrak as a character even more than I did before.

I talked about the expressions already but I just cannot get past this one. Rak's eyes are so dead and he looks so tired in a way that I understand so deeply. He knows what's about to happen. He screened Prin's call earlier precisely in hopes of avoiding it but she showed up anyway.

I do have to acknowledge that a lot of my interpretation and feelings about him and these scenes are very much a product of my own experiences, but believe me when I tell you that having a family as fucked as his and having to deal with relatives like this drains you. You fight back because you have to, not because you want to. You don't go seeking the bullshit but somehow it always seems to arrive at your door.

I know exactly how he must be feeling because I've felt it. Because I've fought back and made sure my mask was firmly in place for as long as I needed it to only to break the second I could turn my face away.

I'm impressed that Rak didn't run from Mut and that he didn't start crying on the way to his bedroom. That powerwalk he did instead though? I know it all too well.

To Rak's mind, Mut has already witnessed far more than Rak ever intended for him to. That fight was nasty. It poked at so many wounds, touched on so many painful, intimate things about Rak's family and about him. Prin wanted to hurt and humiliate him and she succeeded.

I can confidently say that if someone I cared about witnessed that happening to me, the last thing I would want is to break down in front of them on top of it, so I completely understand why Rak's first instinct was to put distance between him and Mut. You know the breakdown is coming and the only thing you want is to have it in private.

I know people feel some kind of way about Rak's refusal to let Mut into his bedroom and essentially shutting him out but Mook tells us in episode 4 that no one is allowed in Rak's bedroom. This isn't just about Mut. Everything we have learned and seen of Rak so far tells us that he's a person who needs a safe place to hide. A place where he can close the door and know he won't be intruded upon.

Sure, it's his house and ideally he would have the freedom to break down wherever he wants to inside of it but given that Mook comes and goes pretty freely, he doesn't really have that luxury by his standards. There's always a chance she'll walk in. And he certainly doesn't have it now that he's no longer living alone.

So he goes to hide in his bedroom so he can process and feel what he needs to.

And when Mut comes after him, this happens. Mut pushed at that boundary out of genuine care and concern and he's not wrong for that. I've been on his side of this equation too and the impulse to help in whatever way you can is impossible to resist, even if all you can offer is a meal.

But I also understand Rak. God do I understand him. That need to be alone, demanding to be left in peace, lashing out when someone won't despite it being with good intentions. When you've been pushed to your limit and you know a breakdown is coming and that there will be shrapnel when it does, the very last thing you want is for the people you care about to get hit with it.

Like @bird-inacage said in their post, Tongrak is a caged animal at this point. He's feeling vulnerable and defensive and he lashes out. He doesn't want to, he tries to stop it, but it ends up happening anyway.

And he regrets it. He does. The way I see it, he couldn't bring himself to knock on Mut's door both because he'd exhausted all his nerve in the fight with Prin and because a part of him was probably worried that he'd be rejected if he did. When you lash out, especially when you don't mean to, there's always a worry that you've done irreparable damage to your relationship with whoever was on the receiving end and that you won't ever be forgiven.

Sometimes it really is something as simple as a sticky note that brings you to tears and has you sobbing into your dinner in the middle of the night.

The note and the meal are proof that Tongrak hasn't been rejected, that he's still cared for despite the way he reacted after the fight and the things that he said. We know that Mut wasn't going to reject him but Rak needed to know that as well.

And now that they had their moment in the dressing room and the issue of the money has been talked about, we're paving a way forward for Rak to be able to express what he feels without using it as a defense mechanism. He still will, and he will hurt me many more times before we're done, but we're making progress.

[iamfuckingsorry]

"Do you know where we are going next?" I asked ART.

Y'know what, I think maybe I don't need any more Murderbot books. I think maybe ending things here is fucking perfect and as much as I love Wells's writing I'm genuinely not sure it can get better for me.

Like, so much of the books are about MB learning how to be a person, about becoming okay with being a complete individual with everything it entails. The first thing it does once it's actually allowed to decide on its own is it runs away from it all (admittedly to go on a mission to confirm some things about its past, because it genuinely just wants to be *good*). It shoves all its emotions away as much as it's able to. Then shit happens, and it makes its first friends, makes decisions based on these friendships, goes through a lot of emotionally intense situations...

And we get to this point here. MB having zero doubts about going with ART says a lot about its relationship with ART, but it also says a lot about its relationship with its humans - it knows that wherever it goes, when it comes back, the humans will still be there. Its humans actively acknowledge its struggles with being a now-free SecUnit and MB is willing to entertain the discussions to an extent and share information about its deeply personal experiences. Hell, System Collapse ends with MB admitting it might be somewhat broken, but that's okay as long as it can keep doing its job, and agreeing to basically do counselling - this is the guy what would rewatch its favourite TV show again and again in order to avoid acknowledging it even had Emotions a couple books back.

Reading this, I know that MB will be okay. It has hopes and goals and genuinely believes in itself and it has an amazing support system that its willing to lean on for the first time in its life. I'm convinced it'll go on to do great things with ART. And that's really the only thing I need to know.

[thatruerealmwalker]

"Sometimes... When I look at the other kids playing around, unaware if what's happening here... My Stomach Hurts..."

"When one of those Toys is Near... My legs Scream at me to RUN..."

"When night comes... and the Workers look over me while I try and sleep... My eyes threaten to Cry..."

"BUT I CAN'T... I can't show that anything is wrong, That I know..."

"I'll change my chosen toy all the time, be average on every test they give me, speak nothing of what I know..."

"I'll stall for as long as I can, buy myself as much time as possible. I'll learn every weakness, every flaw, of both this factory and those horrible Toys. I'll get stronger, faster, smarter, as much as possible without anyone catching on. I'll prepare as much as I can, for every fight, every route, every danger..." "So when the time comes..."

"I'll GET OUT OF HERE"

Hello there! This is William, a young orphan within the walls of Playcare, a new OC I made for Poppy Playtime! Specifically William was inspired by and somewhat considered an OC of the blog @realizinau and their wonderful work over there! (Hello!)

William is a kid who knows far, FAR to much then he should. Aware of what the toys really are, aware of what their doing to children like him, and aware that he is not safe within Playcare.

If someone were to ask him about something in the factory, he would most likely know, but would never dare even entertain answering those questions. He knows that one wrong step, one target on his back is enough to get him selected next... so he stays as average as he can, shows himself to be not soon-to-be toy material. He has it down to a science at this point, and he won't risk his life, not yet, not for a damn question.

He considers every toy in the Factory to be both horrifying and the highest threat to his survival and chances at leaving one day. He avoids and dances around them when he can, and recites literal self made mantras of every weakness and every way to harm or escape the toy in question he knows about within his head while around them if he can't (due to not being able to write anything incriminating down). Several times in a panicked state because he doesn't have the tools and weapons on him to follow any plan he has.

He is afraid of the Smiling Critters the most for the fact that he sees them and interacts with them every day, thus being the highest risk to him. After every interaction there is a chance he may genuinely puke in the nearest bathroom from his fear getting hold of him. He silently prays that they never take notice of him, or god forbid take interest in him and spend more time then normal around him. He would wear the most perfect mask while interacting with them but be screaming his Mantras internally while mentally holding a cross, especially around Catnap (due to his red smoke) (not sure if the Realizing Au has Catnap with his red smoke still, so if not he would most likely consider Bubba the most dangerous of the critters).

William's core desire is to leave the factory and never look back. He, when he is at least 80% sure he can get away with it (it used to be higher but he's getting desperate) gathers as much information as he can, about the layout, systems, patrols, anything to give him an edge when the time of his escape comes. He has also been able to make very small stashes of makeshift tools, weapons, and items around Playcare, all either to help him escape or fight back against a Toy should he need to. The most dangerous is a Flare hand he smuggled off of a GrabPack once, which almost got him caught.

William is at the point where he genuinely does not value any life inside the Factory other then his own, and would not hesitate to kill a staff worker or Toy should he have to. Again, nothing matters to William other then getting out... but that could change depending on events to come.

I'll be throwing some more stuff of William up later, but I absolutely tore my hand up drawing all this today. Hope you enjoyed!

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

Derin, you once said that posting consistently in a web series is very important for the growth of audience. But how do you keep yourself motivated to create stories on schedule? Whenever I try to do it, I just lose motivation and get stressed out or bored with my project

My answer is to have a big buffer. I aim to have a buffer of at least one year's worth of chapters. That way, I can take a month or two off every now and then to avoid burnout. It is also far, far less stressful. Not having a buffer is the most stressful thing a writer can do, do not do that.

So far as long-term sticking to projects goes, there's a few skills involved here and all of them involve a lot of practice. The first thing is what I call the Shiny New Fruit problem. This is something you see pretty much every newbie writer doing -- they get a great idea for a story, they know how it's gonna start, they have a cool premise and a twist that's gonna BLOW EVERYONE'S MIND, it'll be great! They start writing! Their first chapter is cool and unique and full of promise, and they get great feedback, and they move onto the second chapter and it's also great, and...

Quite quickly, they run out of "great chapters". Most of the time, the start of your story is low hanging fruit, so far as writing goes -- it's where you get to introduce all your cool concepts and you're not weighed down by anything established yet and all the Cool Stuff That's Gonna Happen is still in the future, it's your perfect imagined version of it and not the (usually worse) version that ends up on the page. Then you run out of low hanging fruit, and it gets slower and harder, and you have to do a lot more actual work and it doesn't feel so new and exciting any more, and a newbie writer thinks, "oh, this isn't as fun, the story feels more boring to write, that part didn't come out as well as I'd hoped -- this story must be bad". And sometimes they might give up right away. Or instead they might continue... but they're distracted, because solving the issue of how to get those two guys out of prison in chapter 6 just gave them the BEST idea for a different story, it's gonna be so much better, the characters are great and they can already feel the words pouring out of them and...

So they run off to pick the low-hanging fruit for their new story, and before they know it, they have nine unfinished stories on their hard drive and not a completed story to their name.

Every writer will get distracted and enthused about new ideas for projects. This isn't a newbie problem. The newbie problem is letting them tempt you away from the viable projects you're already working on so that nothing gets done. My solution to this is very simple -- I am not allowed to write my future projects until I finish my current one. This way, all that enthusiasm for the future project is transmuted into motivation for the current one -- I can write that cool story about a bug alien who adopts and astronaut but first I have to push through the slow part of this story and get this story finished. This has always worked really well for me.

The second reason that you might lose motivation for a story you're working on is that the story is indeed bad, or at least, the version of it incubating in your mind isn't ready yet. The problem with this is that every story feels bad when you're bored or frustrated with it, and it takes a lot of practice to tell the difference between a genuine dud idea and one that your brain is lying to you about because it wants to play computer games instead. My advice on these is to push through anyway -- it almost certainly isn't a dud idea, and if it is, you'll learn way more by completing it than abandoning it.

The third reason is burnout. Now, it's important to note that everyone is bored and frustrated with their stories sometimes. I got sick of writing space intrigue and took a month off to play Subnautica (I could afford to do this with no stress because of my massive chapter buffer), then came back when I felt like it -- that isn't burnout. I've procrastinated for weeks before because I'm up to a really complicated scene with a lot of emotional beats and new information and it's hard to write so I don't wanna -- that isn't burnout. Burnout is what you get when you don't manage these things properly for way too long and grind your brain to paste. I have a lot of tips for avoiding burnout, but they'd take a long time to explain, so all I'll say here is that learning to recognise and avoid burnout is a skill that you will gain with experience.

The fourth reason that people get bored and frustrated is that writing is a skill, and it's a lot harder to do than it looks. Writing when you're not in Full Inspiration Mode is exhausting. It's difficult. It almost always looked worse on the page than you expected; your favourite authors do so much better than this, why doesn't your work look like theirs? It's just words! You know words!

This one trips a lot of newbies up, because in Full Inspiration Mode, writing is easy. someone can have five chapters pour out of them in that mode, and then look at their page two days later and go, "huh, writing is so much harder today". then they'll call that "writer's block" (that is NOT writer's block) and decide to write again when they "feel inspired".

Do not do this. It's a trap. If you only write when you're inspired, you will not succeed as a writer. Take advantage of your periods of inspiration, obviously, but writers must learn to forge ahead without them, because they're going to get fewer and smaller as the low hanging fruit all get picked and you simply will not keep up with a schedule relying on them, whether it's a web serial update schedule or a deadline given to you by a publisher or simply the desire to have a manuscript ready to pitch to an agent before you die of old age. The world is full of people who are "writing a book" and have been doing so for thirty years with almost no progress. If you want to finish, you need to write when it's a bit tricky, when it's a bit boring, when you're not inspired at all and aren't entirely certain where things are going. Fortunately this, like everything else here, is a skill that is honed with practice.

So, yeah. That's my advice. Have a chapter buffer, the bigger the better. Make sure that your writing pace is faster than your publication pace. Avoid these quitting/stopping pitfalls. That's pretty much it.

[fortheloveof-sebastian]

Ineffable Charm, Good Looks, and Deft Fingers

Pairings: Sebastian x F!Reader

Summary: Sebastian has a solution to the stubborn piece of hair distracting you from studying.

Warnings: fluff, Sebastian being suave

Word Count: 750

A/N: At this point, I’m no longer in control. Sebastian is. I think I made myself blush.

Also, in this scenario, Reader has long hair.

The whisper of pages being turned filled the library, along with the low chatter of the first years sitting besides you. Normally you would’ve exercised some of your seniority in the matter — there were millions of other places to talk — but you were focused instead on the stubborn piece of hair repeatedly falling into your face.

You huff. The hair shoots up, then falls limply back into place. Right in front of one eye.

It wouldn’t have bothered you, but considering that you were bent over a book, there was no way to avoid it unless you held the book over your head like a maniac. Partially tempted, you debate it in all seriousness, but a familiar voice interrupts you before you have the chance.

“Well look at you,” Sebastian chirps. “For once not in the Restricted Section. I didn’t know that you realized there were other parts of the library.”

You glare at him. “I’m surprised that they even let you in here.”

“It’s my ineffable charm and good looks. No one can resist it, not even ole Scribner.”

You open your mouth to respond but the same offending piece of hair falls, and sticks to the corner of your mouth. Sputtering, you grab for it. Sebastian, rolling his eyes, leans across the table and brushes it away. The touch of his hand on your cheek, so close to your lips, creates an intense burning sensation in your chest.

“Do you need a hand with that?”

You frown, pushing the hair away. “With what?”

Sebastian makes a gesture that encompasses your entire being. “Your hair.”

“Oh.” Nervously, you shake your head. “It’s fine.”

“Clearly it’s not.”

Sebastian edges around the table. His expression is so genuine and earnest that it temporarily subdues you, enough to let him move behind you; until his fingers start running through your hair, and you’re afraid you might literally fall out of your chair. You grip onto the edges of it.

“What are you doing?” You ask.

You can’t see him, but you can feel him moving. His actions are swift, confident.

“I’m braiding your hair,” he tells you.

Skeptically, you ask, “You know how to braid?”

“Mmhm,” he says, focused. Sure enough, he begins to smooth your hair away from your face and pull it back.

The first years stop whispering to watch this new development, and you feel your cheeks growing hot. “Where did you learn how to braid?”

Sebastian takes his time replying. You’re nervous that you’ve offended him somehow, but he eventually replies, “After Anne got sick, her hair got in the way a lot and she was too weak to move it. She didn’t want to cut it off. Our…our mum always preferred it long.” You hear the swish of his robes, and know that he’s shrugging. “So I learned how to braid.”

“That’s awfully kind of you, Sebastian,” you say after a moment of collecting your thoughts.

Whether he’s too busy or immersed in memories, you’re not sure, but this time he doesn’t reply. A few moments pass, and then his tone changes, transforming from melancholic back to its usual cheerfulness. “And done!” He exclaims.

Playfully, he flicks the braid over your shoulder before sitting down besides you.

Your hands fly up to the braid, and you stroke it, absurdly like one might a horse’s mane. You’re conflicted — it was an impressive braid, but you wished desperately that he hadn’t had to learn how to do it. You didn’t know any other fifteen year old boys who could braid hair.

“Thank you,” you mutter.

A flicker of sadness crosses his face but it’s gone as quickly as it comes. He smiles. “I hope you know I’m charging you next time. I won’t allow you to take advantage of my braiding prowess and my ineffable charm.”

“And good looks,” you add.

You’re aiming for a taunt, but you basically just admitted that you agree with him.

Sebastian’s smile grows wickedly wider. Instead of capitalizing on the moment, though, he grabs the bottom of your chair and effortlessly scoots you closer to him.

Merlin’s beard, was there anything he did that didn’t make you feel as if a hippogriff was taking flight in your stomach?

“Now that your hair is — quite literally — out of the way, let’s see what we have here. I’ll have you know that on top of my deft fingers, charm, and good looks, I’m also devastatingly intelligent.”

[bengiyo]

Don't Care for an Old Man's Underwear! Ep 4 Stray Thoughts

Thanks to @isaksbestpillow for making this watch possible.

Last time, Makoto went on a friend date with Daichi to find an appropriate gift for his closeted boyfriend's father. They eventually found a massager that felt appropriate. Meanwhile, Kakeru has taken some steps to exit the house more, but he's taking care to avoid kids his own age because he never feels like he can connect with them. We got additional insight into Daichi, learning that he's suffered excruciating homophobia, and every day he chooses to be brave enough to be kind. We also met Daichi's mom, and I appreciate that he probably learned his considerate approach to people from her. Daichi and Makoto had an amazing conversation about what to do if Kakeru is trans, and also in the public bath. It felt like Makoto made a genuine breakthrough last episode.

I like how gentle the mom is being with Kakeru about this situation. Even though she's so happy to see him in person, she's not making it feel overly special that he's out and talking, and she led with check ins.

It's really important to me that Mika is making the choice about Kakeru's future one he gets to decide.

I don't know how they were before Makoto decided to update himself, but their teamwork feels familiar. I think he at least trusted his wife's instincts when it comes to their kids.

I love that we're seeing Daichi with his boyfriend away from the Okita family. We should know what his own life looks like. I'm also enjoying the vibe between him and his huge boyfriend. I love that they're both veterinary students.

Man, Daichi overwhelms me with feelings every time. He's so good about framing a challenge or difficulty in a way that's manageable.

I liked Makoto getting a glass out for Mika to have a beer with him. It felt like it was something they do sometimes. I do wish he'd tell Kakeru this story, too. I think he'd appreciate knowing that his dad became this macho type because of bullying.

I'm gonna cry again about this conversation in the car. Really Kakeru just needed to know that his dad had his back. Gender is not so simple, and I like that Kakeru clarified that he doesn't dislike being a man, but he doesn't want to present as coarse or 'manly,' and wants to be cute.

"No one is more ignorant and obstinate than me. You've got immunity," ended up being way more heartfelt than it might have a few episodes ago.

"Let me think about it," has been hitting so hard from the Japanese shows since 2021. I don't know the specifics of what Madoka has been through, but I like that his immediate thought after catching himself was to thank Daichi for the regard he showed his parents.

So relieved that these girls weren't immediately mean to Kakeru.

Don't blow this for us, Makoto. Just be patient and let Kakeru show you the way.

Well well well, the girls want our boy's advice.

Crying again about the mom's note.

I like this woman on their team. I think she's Shimura. She does not take workplace abuse in stride and holds her ground.

I remain obsessed with Apple.

These girls let him opt out of karaoke. There is hope.

Wait, but this overachiever seems pissed that he's crushing her hustle.

I do love that Moe came running for her brother.

Aw, Makoto didn't get the "keep it normal" memo and overdid it.

Hey, Moe is bringing the dad in on the situation now! That feels earned from episode 2!

I, too, hope Kakeru finds his B-suke-kun.

Mmm, familiar kids from Madoka.

This show is so rewarding. The relationship developments from previous episodes continually pay off. Daichi's influence is helping both Okita men make it through their troubles, and now Makoto is able to coordinate with Mika and Moe about Kakeru. Everything isn't suddenly fixed, but you can see the effort beginning to pay off. I'm going to be thinking about that car conversation for a long time. I am glad we're seeing an independent Daichi plot, but I am worried it won't end happily.

[abloomingsunflower]

Meet Snowflake!

[E.L.A oc's go brrrr-..]

[I haven't introduced her yet so- I'm doing it now. This is her official design because I wasn't sure about the old one-]

Basic information:

Snowflake is Albedo's adopted daughter, who apparently can control winter. But she can't control her ice power very well, which results in little accidents to happen often. Hope is training her.

She's 18 years old, a month younger than Lux, 5'6 ft tall and enjoys reading Marvel comics.

Snow is a menace to society/aff

She is Lux's non-blood related long lost twin/j/nsrs

Snowflake is a descendant of Quetzalcoatl, the deity of war. Corr.Nightmare tried to kill her once he found out about her existence. The girl fought back as best she could but was quickly overpowered. Luckily she was saved from "an mysterious winged lady".

Now Snowflake is striving to control her power better and learn more about her ancestor.

(Fun fact: Her real name is Estelle. Snowflake is just a nickname.)

Origins:

It's unknown who her parents are or where they are. But Snow never bothered to find that out.

"They abandoned me, whoever they are. Valid reason or not, I'm better off without them right? I'm sure they must've thought the same. My life is fine as it is, I already have an amazing adoptive father."

Snowflake is actually a part of Quetzalcoatl's soul, his will. All those years ago when he died, a part of him refused to give up. He refused to succumb to the fatal wounds. He refused to let his kingdom fall in the hands of his enemy.

So that strong determination caused a part of his soul to separate from it's owner. It reincarnated as different people over the years, while Quetzalcoatl wandered the earth as a spirit.

Now, Snowflake is the current reincarnation.

Only when Corr.Nightmare gets killed and the kingdom is free, Quetzalcoatl will finally rest and his will shall return to him.

Abilities:

-Summoning weapons made out of ice.

-Manipulating the weather.

-Control over ice in general.

-Can survive just fine in extremely cold temperatures.

-Can sense and distinguish people's different auras, including the dead's. (But she can't see the dead, which makes it difficult to guess who it is. She can find out from the aura alone if the spirit is a threat or not.)

-Can create snow giants and creatures.

[Will be updated.]

Her opinion on the people she knows:

-Albedo.

"We met when I tried to run away from the orphanage. Then as I went further and further away, I bumped into him. He asked me why was I crying, and he comforted me. He took me back to the orphanage and on the way we were talking and getting along. When we arrived, he told the caretaker he wanted to adopt me. Much to my own surprise. Now here we are. He's actually a very supportive dad, the kind of dad everyone would want, to be honest. No matter what, he always thinks about me first. He comforted me when I cried, defended me on arguments, never turned a blind eye on me, and even gives great advice. He is the reason I'm happy."

-Cross.

"That baker my dad likes so much. His pastries are awesome! He's a nice guy, really. I genuinely think him and Albedo would make a good couple, I mean- Have you seen the way they look at eachother?? They NEED to get together already, I swear to god-"

-Dream.

"I love and respect uncle, but- Someone needs to teach him how to be less oblivious of your surroundings. He's blind when it comes to love, and I can tell he would be an easy target to manipulate..- I noticed he looks down sometimes, maybe because of his marriage?"

-Ink.

"The second most beautiful woman? Her? Are you kidding me? Ink is nice and all but not only does her sense in fashion suck, she's also kinda dumb. I'm just being honest! She's a mother, a grown ass woman, yet she's almost never by her husband's or kids' side, or anywhere near the castle. I swear I saw her in a bar drinking once. No, twice. That second time there was a strange man with her. I just kept walking to avoid being seen by her."

-Palette.

"We only really meet when uncle Dream invites me and dad over. Sometimes we talk. Lux told me he used to bully her and frame her for things she didn't do when they were younger. Even now, he's doing some pretty bad stuff. But he looks..Well. Miserable. I almost feel bad for him sometimes. Maybe he is getting his stress out on her? Anywho I can only suggest one thing for him: Therapy. And I will drag him there by the feet if I have to."

-Lux.

"We're complete polar opposites, and still get along just fine. I can't help but see her like a sister I never had. She's got everything! Is a princess, does nice things, is rich and lucky in lottery, has amazing dresses, has a handsome fiancée, is famous and all, and she's very pretty! Like, damn!- I think she really deserves all those. I'm glad she's not like those corrupt rich people, she actually donates to charities and orphanages. I look up to her a lot. In fact, I want to be like her."

-Hope.

"Miss Hope is the one training me and Lux's fiancée. They are so skilled..! It's hard to keep up with them sometimes during sparring. They've beat me countless times.. But I won't give up there! No way in hell. This is to get revenge on that bastard for nearly murdering me.."

-Merciless.

"Him and Lux seem perfect, to be honest. We get along very well. I've read almost all the books he wrote. He's like an older brother to me. Apparently, he wants to be a wizard. He's trying to make fire, like Miss Hope. Though..once I accidentally froze him- I don't understand how it happened, I was just patting his shoulder and then BAM! Thank god we had Miss Hope and their fire. I apologized so much that day..I'm still embarrassed."

-Angst.

"..I've heard about that guy. Isn't that the one that can see spirits? I think he could help me, something with a powerful aura has been following me around for days on end and I need answers."

-Artemis.

"She's that famous singer, and Merciless' little sister. Not gonna lie, she makes amazing music..I listen to it all the time. Some of her songs are calming and perfect for reading. She's also Palette's best friend. I think these two are in love, even their fans are making rumors about them being together-"

-Goth.

"She used to make fun of me and bother me at every chance she got. Along with that group of fans- Until..well, I snapped one day. I caused a snow storm, since I felt overwhelmed. It blew everyone away but her. I think I shoved her away after that, but then realized I didn't die. At first I thought 'Maybe it's my power', until I found out from Idiotka that a grim reaper's soulmate doesn't die from their touch. ..Nothing is confirmed yet. Because apparently Lux and Palette didn't die from Goth's touch either. This situation is very confusing. Anyways, we became friends in hopes of finding out. All we do is hang out and gossip about every single thing we can think of. It's actually nice being around Idiotka.."

-Corr.Nightmare/Alphonse.

"Can you believe Artemis speaks good about a moron like that? He clearly didn't think twice before deciding to attempt murdering a little girl, so why should I feel sympathy for a tyrant? I still remember his face... ... He scares me. What if I fail to kill him?"

-Killer.

"I don't believe she chose to marry him on her own will. What kind of psycho would?? I feel bad for her. She's very pretty too."

-Crescent.

"Isn't that the priest in that one church..? I dunno, I'm not religious. So I don't visit churches at all. But his face reminds me so much of that bastard.."

-Quetzalcoatl.

"My ancestor! I'm gonna call him grandpa, it's easier. Man, I wish I could meet him.. Idiotka took me to this secret library and I've been studying about his history. I have to say, I admire him even more now. As I read all those history books, I pictured the sceneries of the old kingdom in my head. For some reason, everything described there feels so familiar.."

Fun facts:

-She's allergic to chocolate, so she is always eating fruit pastries or vanilla. She found that out when she once tried chocolate cake in Cross' café.

-Snowflake is a fan of horror games and movies, even playing with Goth sometimes.

-She never really had real friends until she met Goth. Snow only had a small group of online friends.

-Albedo's nickname for her is "Tuna", which Snow is always complaining about.

-Snowflake always wondered about the identity of the winged woman who saved her that day. She wishes to thank her.

-She has a true/guardian form <3

-She is the key to Surprise Ending in Sunflower AU.

[If she interacts with Angst and Angst decides to tell her about the timelines, the two of them will try to make Cross and Hope tell the truth to everyone and the game will end.]

Evil Lux AU and all the characters made by @anotherrosesthatfell <33

Snowflake belongs to me.

[decaydanceredacted]

BASEMENT BILVY.. I FEEL SICK. how ive never thought of basement bilvy before is genuinely shocking. i have. so many thoughts on this. he would be so pretty in chains. im crazy. i have too many things to say on this topic. im going to restrain myself. be glad. petes been alone down in the basement for who-knows-how-long now, save for the daily visits from gabe and the less regular visits from gabe + travie, when gabe starts talking about maybe getting pete a friend to play with. it's not right keeping a boy all on his own, the isolation isn't good for them! and hes got to be a responsible owner, after all, he's not a monster. pete, well trained as he is, never really responds to these comments, as hes not allowed to speak, but the idea scares him a little. maybe even more than it excites him. he doesn't want to share the attention he gets, but being all on his own whenever gabe has to go to work is always so scary. poor baby :( so he thinks maybe it wouldn't be so bad. theres still a part of his mind that doesnt want this happening to anyone else, but it's the part of his mind that tells him to fight back and run, so he knows not to listen to it anymore. gabes at a show one night, some random grimy venue, when he sees an angel in the crowd. this beautiful, tall, pale thing, and he knows he has to have him. as soon as he learns the name he ignores it to call him bilvy. william is too boyish and bill is too short. bilvy rolls off his tounge better. it makes the boy giggle. his hair is short, but every time gabe blinks he imagines him with long, wavy hair, curled in on himself in fearhatredlove next to pete, and he gets a little light headed. he hopes his hair grows fast. bill's easier to get drunk and alone than pete was, a proper lightweight, no fat on his bones. the bustle of the crowd makes it easy to slip something into bilvys drink, and makes it even easier to leave with him unnoticed. before bill knows what's going on, hes waking up on the cold concrete of gabes basement. he's getting nudged by someones boot, and has to sit up to avoid the pressure. the first thing he notices when his eyes adjust is the man standing above him, (the man from the show last night? he can't recall a name, though) staring down at him with an emotion he cant figure out. he's still groggy from whatever knocked him out, but the cold air hitting his body makes him realise that he's stark naked, and it wakes him up quicker than he ever has. he looks away, searching the room for an escape, maybe, but is immediately distracted by the sight of another person. he's in a similar state, naked and kneeling near the feet of the man, staring down at the ground. bill forces himself not to think about how long he must've been down here to be acting that way. he fights through his pounding headache and sore throat to ask where he is, why is he here, 'where am i? where am i? who are you?' he attempts to get on his feet, get away from the man towering above him, but kicks to his shins send him tumbling back to the ground. the tall man whistles, and the boy at his feet jumps on bilvy, pinning him to the ground. bills attempts at throwing him off are fruitless, and eventually he stops struggling and just starts screaming and sobbing. (it hurts petes head, but he knows better than to let go of the boy to cover his ears.) the tall man crouches beside them, grinning at tears. he knew bilvy would be a pretty crier. gabes feeling generous, so he decides to let the boy cry for as long as he needs. he can wait to start training until after bills tired himself out too much to fight back. he's so excited to have two pets to play with. i mean whatever im normal and dont want to see those boys tied up together on the floor. i dont even care about basement!au actually im cool and fine. - sweat anon.

.

[ridiasfangirlings]

AU where maybe instead of dying, Niki goes into years long coma and when he wakes up, the damage to his brain alters his personality? Like he becomes this super genuinely kind man who doesn't remember much. The doctors tell him about himself and Niki goes on an adventure to reconnect with his family. Imagine he tries to go to Scepter 4 because, "Oh, I have a son!" Fushimi thinks he's hallucinating again or something but nope they let him waltz right through the gates and the squad is like "it's your dad!" And imagine it's post-ROK so he was just finally feeling stable and comfortable with his life at S4 and with Misaki and this was the last thing he needed! I highly doubt he would want to even reconnect.

This explains that one short story AU with the flower shop and good citizen Niki, he has brain damage is that AU (that’s right, the only thing between us and happy Fushimi married to Yata running a flower shop is Niki getting dropped on his head). Imagine Kisa’s reaction to this whole thing, she suddenly has a loving husband and she doesn’t want him. Say instead of dying Niki’s gone into a coma and it’s likely he won’t wake up, Kisa has him moved to like a long term care facility that’s super exclusive but also way out away from the city so she doesn’t have to think about him. I could actually see that being stressful for Fushimi in this AU at least at first, always the worry that Niki will wake up and come looking for him (the jungle hallucinations would become even more traumatizing in this AU too, now that I think about it). Eventually he reaches a point where he just considers Niki dead though, he’s been told Niki won’t ever wake up and he sincerely hopes that’s the case.

So then many years later Niki defies medical science and does indeed wake up, but he has no memories and his personality is drastically affected due to the traumatic brain injury. Can you imagine the doctors telling Kisa that he may become violent or childish, he may end up someone who has no empathy, and Kisa’s like he didn’t need a traumatic brain injury for that. What happens though is Niki is now a nice, thoughtful, kind man, he doesn’t like seeing others hurt and he even wants to use his intelligence to help people. He’s all nervous and shy meeting his wife and Kisa can’t believe this is really her husband, imagine him taking a sincere interest in her career and she keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop. Niki gets to go home with like a care helper for a while and Kisa still largely avoids him but Niki’s so busy rediscovering his previous life that he barely notices, instead he just wants to reconnect with his whole family — which, of course, is when he learns about his precious son.

Kisa I assume knows Fushimi’s with S4 and even if she didn’t Niki does research until he finds out. He decides to go visit his son, all excited to meet the boy who looks just like him. By this point I assume someone has told him that pre-brain injury he was a piece of trash so he knows he’s a bit estranged from his son but still, he wants to meet Fushimi and apologize for his past self at least. Nobody at S4 knows that Fushimi’s dad is a touchy subject and since they look so alike when Niki shows up at headquarters it’s immediately clear that he isn’t lying about being Fushimi’s dad. Fushimi meanwhile is finishing up some work when Akiyama comes by to say his dad is asking for him and Fushimi just immediately freezes, going deathly pale. Akiyama notices that reaction and wonders if they should tell Niki to come back later when Niki himself walks in and greets Fushimi.

I just imagine Fushimi immediately pulling a knife and Akiyama has to stop him, like Fushimi-san wait this is your dad. Fushimi is breathing hard and his eyes are dilated, snapping at Akiyama to get out and take Niki with him. Niki says he understands Fushimi’s reaction — well, not entirely, he doesn’t remember anything, but he’s sure they can talk this out. I imagine Fushimi would just be entirely disbelieving of the whole ‘traumatic brain injury’ thing, even calling the hospital doesn’t convince him and he has to actually hack into their files before he feels even vaguely calm. Niki is being patient and caring about it too, like he leaves his contact info with Fushimi and says if Fushimi wants to talk he would love to talk. 

Even knowing about the brain injury I think this would be tough on Fushimi, this ghost of his past that he thought he overcame coming back. He feels like everything was just starting to get good again and he was almost starting to believe that things could stay good, and now in waltzes his worst nightmare — and his nightmare doesn’t remember him, and wants to reconnect. Fushimi is like vaguely aware that ‘this’ Niki isn’t really the guy who abused him but at the same time it is, he will never be able to look at Niki’s face and not see the guy who laughed at his pain. Ultimately I think Fushimi wouldn’t want to reconnect and would tell Niki to leave him alone, there’s just too much trauma there for Fushimi to reconcile even if ‘this’ Niki is a kinder person. I think he would maybe want to take this moment to finally get out what he’s always been holding in, I could see Yata or Munakata urging Fushimi to use this moment to say his feelings honestly to Niki just so they won’t continue to haunt him. Fushimi manages to tell Niki at least some of what the old Niki did and makes it clear he doesn’t need a dad now, he doesn’t need this back in his life, he’s trying to move on and he can’t do that if he’s still tied in any way to that man’s ghost.

[youremyheaven]

hello! i hope you've been in good health <3

i'm uncertain about how valid this is, since it might just be me being biased as a heavily mercury dominant person, but i think people come with this already made perception of negativity about mercurial energy.

don't get me wrong— i won't say ashlesha is never manipulative or that jyestha can't be toxic or that revatis can't be trickesters.

but listening to people talk just makes me think that most of them have an automatic setting— mercury=bad, and to believe otherwise, they need proof, solid evidence.

and logic goes somewhat like this—when you have an already biased opinion, you look for ways to prove yourself instead of maintaining neutrality and looking at all aspects. and considering how illusory and unstable mercury natives are, they give less shits about how you perceive them and this somewhat just reinforces the previous belief.

i believe mercury demands time to understand and get used to. if i may, (ngl, i'm kinda nervous about how serious this will be taken considering how much some of y'all hate mercury natives?? like it's genuinely scaring me at this rate like chill out😭) i'd like to share my own perspective of people and how they view me!

[ i have an ardra rising; ashlesha moon, mercury and ketu; mercury in tight conjunction with pushya sun (3 degrees) and tight conjunction with ashlesha moon (3 degrees) ]

first of all, i do not relate with the fact that mercury dominants are out of the world clever or smth, because i'm not. simple as that; in fact i look at others and go like, damn, that was some clever ass shit they just did and try to learn from that.

of course, there's a limit to what extent i apply that😂i don't look at toxic people and go like, 'oh yeah, that's a very cool way of gaslighting somebody...' no, not like that.

more like, 'oh. so they took that from me by making me nervous and putting me in the spotlight. maybe i can do that to take my stuff back too, then.'

secondly, i don't relate with the man stealer thing and being competitive with other women either? like women solidarity? i don't get it tbh; i don't even understand where it comes from. i even have some ashlesha native friends and they're all just as chill about this; in fact i don't even see them around men lmao

i used to be in this friend circle of three girls (two venus doms and one ketu dom) and trust me, i've never hated another girl the way i ended up hating these three. they always made me feel like i was being tore apart and examined, and felt judged all the time. i did stuff for them, never got anything except laughter in return and always felt pathetic. i never even felt a proper part of that group either, because they were always trying to avoid me when it came to the fun part of things. like i was disposable.

anyways!

one thing i wanna highlight here though—i easily get uncomfortable around men. and even the nice ones, i mean. my friends are all girls, and i would never trust a man, it's almost obsessive at this point. 🤦‍♀️

yeah, one thing i definitely want to say is that i do gaslight when i'm caught doing something wrong, or something i was trying to hide ngl. i'm trying to work on it, but it's hard to avoid this tendency. it's like i'm running away from what is my own responsibility; i'm trying to stop this tendency, but it's been there as long as i can recall.

anyway, here's my pov, if anybody gives a shit.

but i really want to call everybody out here—just because you have bad experience with somebody of a certain placement, doesn't give you the rights to claim the entire nakshatra/planetary nature as being 'bad'; what if i define bad as something else? does that make saturn dominants as bad people? or maybe mars or venus dominant people as bad? no! because your experiences of good and bad are as valid as mine! putting forth your opinion is one thing; and out rightly claiming it as correct or incorrect based on a personal view, is, (surprise, surprise!) wrong.

anyways, thank if you end up reading this! have a lovely day/night, love! <3

even Moon dominants weren't this triggered after a 2 part post where i cited Nazis and fascists as examples lol

people are going to have their own opinions and perceive naks and planets as bad or good based on their experiences, I have repeated throughout the many asks i received that any nak can manifest in good and bad ways but ok

i highly suggest you don't read anything on this blog for a little bit because you're taking this too personally

[derekscorner]

Ghost of Ramblings: Dad of Boi

Started a New game plus Recently

I have been playing God of War from Ascension in chronological order over the past few months and I've finally made my way back to GoW 2018 and it's new game plus.

It's been a hot minute since I played the NG+ and it took even more minutes to adjust to it's combat after playing Classic GoW for so long. I got hooked on Ghost of Sparda and GoW3 for quite a while.

The whole while I was just taking in how beautiful the whole game is. Remembering the story beats or how this one game got me into the whole series. My god slayer journey began here with Dad of Boi.

I was reminded of how good its story truly is. How tightly written and delivered it's dialogue is. The nuances of Kratos hit harder too since I have played classic GoW this time unlike my first time playing Dad of Boi.

Back then all I had was curious youtube and wiki searches to get a grasp of Kratos' world. It's hard to explain but it truly does feel different if you play GoW 2018 after playing, at minimum, GoW 1, 2 and 3.

Hell, I'd even argue that GoW 2018 will hit different after plaything through it's own sequel Ragnarok. I know Ragnarok has some harsh critics, I'm not one of them, but it is hard to deny that it's predecessor is just written better.

Every little story in the boat, every little dialogue when exploring, the whole adventure is a bonding and learning moment for Atreus and Kratos. Every scene with Odin's kin, the parallel to Freya and Baldur in particular, shows what Kratos is trying to avoid.

A pacing and blend so well done that I'd call it a lightning in the bottle moment.

I love this scene ^^^^

Nothing in this world is perfect mind you but it's hard to talk about GoW 2018 and not praise its story.

Of course, Ragnarok is still an improvement in gameplay overall. I had grown too addicted to the customization options for appearance. The very fact that I can unlock and play young Kratos in Ragnarok is amazing to me.

It does make me wonder what went wrong in the story department of Ragnarok though. As I said, I'm no harsh critic of Ragnarok but I can't deny it has pacing issues.

Thankfully they added scene skip so even the Atreus segments can be skimmed on repeat playthroughs. They didn't bother me on the first run but I can only handle so many two hour stretches of Atreus wandering Ironwood.

I've always heard rumors that it's because they chose to make the Norse story a duology which I could believe. Ragnarok feels like it needed to be the third game not the second one.

The whole personality shift of Freya truly does feel rushed. As beautiful as that scene is when she lets go it needed more time to be truly believable.

I also think it would've made her conflicted feelings more conceivable if she had witnessed Kratos' memories in some magical mumbo jumbo way. It's hard to imagine he's talk so freely about his family yet I also think it's crucial for Freya to shift the focus of her rage after hearing about Calliope.

Kratos did do her wrong while trying to do something right but I think that would only get through to Freya if she saw that moment. Kratos was by no means a good person but his love for his family was real and it drove him to a madness that ended a pantheon.

Kratos is easily the only man there that understands her feelings.

I glitched the blades in these scenes somehow

But even this is a minor complaint. I do not consider the narrative of Ragnarok worth some harshness I see it get. It's badly paced to be sure but it's not offensive.

If anything, I hope they learn from it for their new projects. I have next to no interest in Atreus since he genuinely is annoying in Ragnarok but I wouldn't mind giving him a shot in a spin off if they learn from it.

Or, ya know, send him to Greece. I do not care how annoying the boy of war is. I would pay them money to see him walk through Greece and see the monster that his father was.

I'd even give them my respect if Atreus realized just how hard Kratos worked to channel his bottomless rage into a weapon to use. I know many fans hate how weak Kratos seems to be now and I personally find the "holding back" excuse weak on the devs part.

So I relate a bit. I do not fully agree since I began the series with 2018 so my opinion is forever biased on such topics.

I have no real point to make with this post by the way. I am just gushing about a game I like and rambling about the contrast it has to it's own sequel or predecessors.

The whole of my praise is also limited to GoW 2018's narrative. In terms of world building or story consistency I could rip the God of War series apart.

The classic games weren't exactly consistent with some things like the potential paradox of using Fates threads, Kratos losing that time travel power in 3 despite using it moments prior in 2's ending, or the whole ambiguity of his godhood. (I wont even get into the last minute hope thing in 3)

It's not a mess like I'd rant about with Kingdom Hearts or Bleach. Sure, there are some details in a novelization or two, a comic story here or there, but it's nothing you need to know.

Kratos even references a novel detail in Ragnarok. When asked why he doesn't just throw his blades away Kratos will retort with an annoyed statement that he "tried".

Step into the light Boy

That doesn't confirm a novel as 100% valid but it does show subtly that the blades follow him against his will.

My own personal take on Kratos' continued godhood is also a curse. He's got to live as what he despises most until something powerful enough finally kills him in a way where he won't burst out of Hel's gates.

That's a tangent all its own I think. I just felt like rambling a bit, there's even a lot I left out. Like the pure pointlessness of a lock-on in either game due to how often the enemies dart around and break the targeting.

I wonder what many of you think about 2018 now that Valhalla has come and gone. Ragnarok may have been hit or miss for many but Valhalla is nearly as good as 2018 I feel.

Though, not having young Kratos speak with his original voice actor in that one scene felt like a missed opportunity imo.

Oh well, I'm done now. Bye~

[truedairship]

Tell me more about your horse, please?

Ooohh boy never ask someone about their horse or they won’t shut up. Okay. I have no idea how much you know about horses, so I’ll try to keep the horse terms to a minimum.

Getting her is a bit of a funny story really. And kind of relevant. But background info: Us mere mortals can’t afford horses competing at the higher levels. Your only chance is basically to buy a promising youngster, train them yourself and hope that the stars align and that in a few years you can compete at the level you wanted. But most of those horses are quite expensive as well. Everybody wants those with good blood for a reason (blood = lineage, breed, how reactive yada yada).

I wasn’t even gonna buy a horse back then because I knew I would be moving abroad a year later, and I already had my pony. (Whom I had considered selling to afford a horse but whatever). Anyways, I helped my trainer break in her youngsters, they got an extended summer break after, and come winter she called me and asked if I wanted C. Because they didn’t get along. She had been a… special cookie… to break in, but an incredibly fun one. So yeah. I got a good horse real cheap because she’s crazy.

She’s… well, she’s a brat. A stubborn, explosive bitch that’s too damn smart for her own good and the biggest goddamn drama queen the world has ever seen. She’s also one of the most hardworking, powerful and talented horses I’ve ever ridden. Her teenage years were eventful to say the least, and it has been a lot of work to teach her some proper manners. I could probably fill a book with all the stupid stunts she’s pulled over the years. But at the same time, that’s kind of the charm. You never have a boring day with her.

Despite her attitude and the drama, she’s genuinely very kind. She just doesn’t show it if she doesn’t have to😅 But she never wants to drop her rider, I’ve only fallen off because we stumbled over an xc-jump and she almost did a somersault. And while she usually is too impatient to stand still, whenever there’s small kids around she won’t move a leg, but you can see her literally twitching because that is tiny human. Must not move. Tiny human fragile, stepping on will injure. She was also the one who accompanied youngsters on their first forest hacks at my old job, because, while hacking out usually is a rollercoaster ride of jumping away from invisible monsters hiding behind stones (thoroughbreds in my heart<3), when the kiddos came with, she was super cool and they could even run into her and she didn’t even bat an eye. Because they are her adopted siblings now and Ohana means family.

So yeah. She has quite the personality but this is already getting long. And when it comes to riding, well, attempting to avoid using technical terms, you can teach just about any horse to move fancy, but riding a horse that does it naturally is just something else. She does everything with such ease and such power. And she loves to learn new stuff, which to me is the most important part. I’d rather ride an eager horse with zero talent than an unmotivated one. Because having to force them to work… nope.

Generally with horses, if you have a bad day, it’s 50/50 whether you’ll have one of the nicest rides of your life because the horse notices that you’re not at your best, or you’ll have what feels like the worst one ever because nothing works and the horse decides that if you’re not gonna try your best, they won’t either. 9/10 times, she’s the first type (and considering that we sometimes can spend the entire warmup discussing whether the chair in the corner will eat us or not, that’s saying something)

That’s also kind of why I’m selling her. I don’t have the time to ride her everyday. So when I do, she’s super duper happy and energetic and it makes me feel all guilty that I can’t ride her more. And it breaks my heart every time she comes running towards me in the field all eager, only for me to give her a pat and a carrot then leave (makes me feel like a parent that doesn’t have time for their kid so they spoil them with toys instead😅). I usually give her a kiss on the nose as a goodbye, but lately she refuses to let me do it unless I have ridden her first. And no, that’s not an exaggeration.

Tl;dr: She’s a bitch, she’s amazing, she drives me crazy and she’s my best friend. Being allowed to ride her is an honour. (and unfortunately she’s aware of that😆)

[cyanomys]

The Misery Loop

I have a potentially unpopular take. Disclaimer: IANAD, I'm just a person with moderately severe chronic illness and an entirely useless psych degree.

Part of the burden of every illness is psychological. The way you think about your illness, your pain, your agency, and yourself all has an impact on how you feel physically, and even sometimes what is happening inside you biochemically. Always. This is actually true for every single sick person out there, unless they are literally comatose -- because everything you experience has to pass through your brain, which is where you have thoughts and feelings and psychology. This is even true for people who have illnesses we think of as "purely" biological, like a broken leg, or stomach cancer.

But vise versa, how you feel physically (and what is happening to you biochemically) has an impact on your psychology, too. This is because your brain is actually just 3 pounds of meat in your head, just like the other roughly 177 lbs of meat that makes up the rest of you. So your emotions and thoughts, which you think of as entirely within your control (or at least entirely in your head), are actually also moving at the whims of your gut biome or bad joints or whatever. Unfortunately.

People living with chronic illness and chronic pain can be really, really resistant to and defensive against the idea that any part of their illness is psychological. I have been one of these people. This feeling is pretty reasonable, because doctors and family members have used "it's all in your head" as an excuse to refuse us the treatments, accommodations, mobility aids, disability payments, or even just common decency that we need for the biological reality of our illness.

But staying blind to the psychological aspects of our illness shuts us off from knowledge that could help us suffer less. It's impossible to think or will or manifest yourself out of any illness (even psychiatric illness), like ableist people might imagine. However it is possible to learn about how your body and mind interact, and practice thinking in a way that will not increase your suffering.

When I've been at my sickest and most miserable, I always got stuck in a self-reinforcing thought loop about it, which I call The Misery Loop. The loop is never the cause of my illness, but it always makes me more miserable and I genuinely believe it elongates the flare. It goes like this:

Physical pain or misery -> mental anguish and feeling helpless -> physical misery heightened because of the mental misery -> avoiding a lot of things to try to be less miserable -> having no distraction and thinking about the misery more, or avoiding doing stuff that would over time make me feel better -> more misery -> repeat.

I never really saw this cycle clearly until I worked at a physical therapy clinic. Even though I just worked the front desk, I talked to many patients, saw their medical records, and learned from the PTs. For many chronic illness patients, like 60% of the effectiveness of PT was just giving them hope, a feeling of agency, and and human connection. This kicked them out of the Misery Loop enough that they could start feeling better, and benefit from that other 40% of physical exercise.

For the chronic illness patients that didn't respond to PT, sometimes the problem was that they needed some other therapy first to make it viable (like medication) -- but a lot of the time the problem was in the "avoiding things that would over time make [them] feel better" part of the Misery Loop. They were so hypervigilant about not increasing The Misery that they were unable to do the PT that would potentially help in the long run.

And can you blame them? The Misery is really horrible. If they weren't in a chronic pain/illness context, all of this would probably be good and protective right? So this is probably just how the brain is designed to keep them alive but it doesn't understand what to do with long term misery.

And by "they" I mean "I". I was literally working at a PT office, receiving free PT, and struggling with this exact problem. I said I saw the cycle while I worked there. But I was so resistant to the idea that any of this was "in my head" that I was always really anxious and full of cognitive dissonance about what I observed and my own inability to do the exercises. I didn't finish fully unpicking the emotional mess I felt about this until like this week. And it took a lot of journaling.

How do you get out of the Misery Loop? Idk all the answers man, I'm new at this. Just paying attention to how my thoughts and body react to each other is helping me catch when they're in the cycle. Distracting myself instead of dwelling on the Misery helps, or telling my brain when it tries to say "ugh my head hurts" for the 50th time to "shut up, I am fucking AWARE that our head hurts." Acceptance (in the "accepting what I can't change" sense, not the "giving up" sense) also seems to help stave off the Misery Loop.

And I've been keeping a careful health journal but trying to remember to frame what I learn as "this is what I CAN do" instead of "this is what I can't do". Which maybe sounds pollyanna, but it works. Instead of constantly searching for what makes me worse so that I can avoid it, I can search for new things (or old things in new ways) that are tolerable. Instead of my world getting smaller and smaller, it gets bigger and bigger, a teeny tiny bit at a time. I'm going to talk to my therapist about this more soon too, once we get done with the main part of OCD therapy.

Realizing all this makes me extremely angry actually. This is one more avenue that bad doctors and shitty family and medical trauma took from me, for many many years. If "it's all in your head" hadn't been weaponized against me, I think I would have naturally come to believe I had some control over my thoughts about my illness. And I would have been less miserable. But I was clutching desperately onto the thought that "this must be 1000% out of my control in every way" because I had been beaten into believing that otherwise I didn't deserve treatment -- which actually took my agency away and made me more likely to enter the Misery Loop. Fuck ableism.

Not to mention the ableist idea at the core of the whole "all in your head" garbage -- that things in your head are under your control, and therefore moral failings.

When googling around my Misery Loop sounds a lot like the "Pain-Thought-Pain Cycle". Plus there's something very Buddhist about the whole "don't add to your suffering with mental suffering" angle. Considering that I've been wading around in the waters of psychology (as both a patient and a student) and secular buddhism for a while I probably picked it up from there. I think "Misery Loop" is way more catchy though. And sometimes, you have to simmer something around in your brain soup for a while, and then pour it back out as something new, in order to make sense of it.

I have a very unscientifically validated theory that different people (even at different times in their lives) have a different amount that the misery loop contributes to their suffering. So like, one person might be 90% misery loop and 10% literal something-mechanically-wrong-in-body, while another person might be 90% something-mechanically-wrong-in-body and 10% misery loop. That's probably why some people are like "Therapy cured my chronic pain!" or whatever, whereas some people find a medication that cures them.

I imagine that for the vast majority of us, it is an inconveniently sticky mixture of the two in closer proportion. It is cruelly ironic, but it is much more difficult to figure out your Misery Loop (and Misery Trauma) when you're also dealing with The Misery. Falling into the Misery Loop is a perfectly valid thing to do, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for it. I will probably do it again myself. Hell, I'll probably do it tomorrow.

But maybe eventually we can claw ourselves out, inch by inch, thought by thought. And suffer a little less than we would otherwise.