#i had some food cobbled together for something to have before bed bc i need to get groceries today

[autistic-shaiapouf]

It feels so genuinely strange to feel at peace after being in crisis mode for so many years. My therapist said it takes, on average, 2 years for the results of (C-)PTSD recovery to made visible and I'm right on target for it; it's just. I feel okay and it's starting to sink in.

Good things have happened this year and they don't feel like they're gonna be taken away, I've met very good people and they don't feel out of my grasp. I'm actually getting to know myself, seeing what my autism wants from the world, the candles and incense and sprays pointing me towards sensory seeking (and that's okay!), the special interest in music pulling me in all directions (and that's okay!), spending lots of time reading and changing up what I was taught constitutes a meal by breaking it down (and that's okay!).

I don't actively dislike my field of work, have hobbies I engage in, friends I engage with, a vehicle the same year I got my license, I feel like I'm breathing for the very first time.

I'm okay, and it's starting to really feel that way.

[dottie-wan-kenobi]

DOTTIE’S BATFAM FIC RECS

hi!! so, no one asked for this but,,, I wanted to make one anyway! I really love the batfam a lot and I see a lot of ppl in the fandom wishing it was easier to find good fics. this is by no means all of them but they are some of my faves, generally not too fanon-y! all fics are gen/family fluff with little to no ships (which are not bat/cest). 

feel free to message/ask me about triggers if you’re unsure!! and lmk if I forgot to tag anyone ❤️

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Homecoming by Ionaperidot / @iowriteswords on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/10966704/chapters/24414906

Summary: “Your son’s grave. It’s been disturbed.” In which people actually notice when Jason breaks out of his grave, and Bruce finds him before Talia does.

My thoughts: Bruce’s voice in this is seriously perfect, plus Dick, Jason, and Tim are great as well!! This fic honestly helps inform me of my Tim characterization!

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The Wound Begins To Bleed by audreycritter / @audreycritter on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13295661

Summary: Now that Tim’s moved back to the manor, he just wants a few afternoons a week without Damian around. Funny how getting that was the catalyst for him becoming a better big brother.

My Thoughts: it makes me emotional okay it GETS me right in my HEART!!! both Dami and Tim are so so so good I can’t rec this enough

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just hold a smile by RecklessWriter

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22777705

Summary: That's the thing about smiles, Dick thinks. If you flash the right one, no one knows there's something more going on inside. Five times Dick faked a smile and one time someone saw through it.

My Thoughts: Dick & others, including Tim and Cass. Dick is really good at hiding his feelings from others, and I love how in this fic, a lot of times, he’s hiding them to “protect” whoever it is

(more under the cut!)

life, if well lived by CaptainOzone

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18378512

Summary: Jason wakes up from a time-travel mishap to find Thomas and Martha Wayne hovering over him. Just another day in the life, right? ...Not quite.

My Thoughts: this one had me crying like a baby!!! the characterization is great and I love CO’s Thomas and Martha

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one shot, two shots in the night by discowing / @dykewing on tumblr, @/wlwdiscowing on twitter

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18871864/chapters/44792710

Summary: The New York Times ✓ @nytimes · 4h

“A Shot in the Dark” remains on our bestseller list for the fourth week in a row! Read our review of @brucewayne’s tell-all memoir here: nyti.ms/3Fs9k2E

My Thoughts: TALK ABT MAKING ME CRY. this gets me every time, and it’s absolutely worth ALL of the rereads. such a great Bruce.

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The View From Jade by lowflyingfruit

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11329791/chapters/25359972

Summary: Being transported to the past is not the sort of thing one normally expects. But this having happened, and with no easy way back, Jason's determined to make the most of it. Though the Bat still stalks Gotham's streets, the city's crime is run by the mobs instead of the rogues. There's no Joker yet. There's no Robin. Maybe there shouldn't be.

My Thoughts: Jason & Dick, and also Bruce somewhere in there too. this is SO! GOOD! I absolutely love Jason’s voice, and Dick is so in character. plus Bruce and Alfred are awesome as well!!!

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The Birds Who Smile by Raberba girl / @raberbagirl on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12972324/chapters/29656290

Summary: "Dark Nights: Metal" AU where Bruce adopts three of the Robins who once belonged to the Batman Who Laughs.

My Thoughts: I think this was the first fic that introduced me to Duke, actually! and while there are a LOT of characters involved, they’re all pretty great and realistic. they have their moments to shine and it’s,,, *chef’s kiss*

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The Thing about Apples and Trees by Cdelphiki / @cdelphiki on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22192747

Summary: When Jason agreed to let Bruce adopt him, he thought that meant Jason felt happy and safe in Bruce's home. But when Jason's nightmares only increased, and his panic attacks and meltdowns started happening more often, Bruce was at a complete loss for what to do. But then, Jason finally opened up to him, and he was able to quell some of Jason's worse fears. Perhaps a midnight chat and a few hugs wouldn't fix everything, but it was a step in the right direction.

My Thoughts: this is part of a series but might be okay to read on it’s own? tho really I suggest the entire series, it’s amazing. but this fic specifically has great kid Jason characterization (and also made me cry, I think!)

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Kitten by lurkinglurkerwholurks / @lurkinglurkerwholurks on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18194294

Summary: Bruce opened his mouth, prepared to give the unemotional, no-nonsense explanation he had cobbled together between his walk to the car and now. Instead, his mouth went dry and nothing came out.

“Bruce?”

Bruce was saved from answering by the thin cry that cut through the silence. He winced, then reached back with one hand to shush the dimpled, kicking legs.

“Bruce, tell me I did not just hear what I thought I heard.”

My Thoughts: so so so cute! plus the gangs all here!!!

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Yes Ma’am by lurkinglurkerwholurks

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22004695

Summary: Jason had shuffled into the bedroom and had just finished pulling his shirt over his head when he paused, arms still trapped in the fabric. A pair of eyes glowed at him from the bed, reflecting the dim light from the hall.

My Thoughts: I also have to include this one bc it was a gift to me, and it’s so cute & angsty & just dkjsfsdjkhfksjah I love it so much

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The D-Word by AutumnHobbit / @autumnhobbit on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/9597686

Summary: "See, Tim?" Jason called over his shoulder sardonically. "Dad agrees with me."

He turned back to his food for a moment before the thought suddenly occurred to him that the Cave had gone near silent. He cautiously glanced back at the others. Alfred was still working away at stitching Tim up. Tim looked a little pale and sweaty, but he was glancing over at Jason with a look that was a mixture of concern and confusion. Bruce was standing stock-still, seemingly staring off into space.

My Thoughts: I constantly reread this when I want funny and then heart breaking Jason & Bruce feels. I always know what’s coming and it STILL GETS ME

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baby wonder by drakefeathers / @drakefeathers on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/1887807

Summary: (baby!damian AU) Bruce dies, Dick becomes Batman. But the Damian that Talia leaves in his care isn’t a ten-year-old warrior, he’s a ten-month-old baby.

My Thoughts: oh my goddd this is so good, it hurts but it’s SO CUTE at the same time??? ugh dskjfhkjsadhf

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a hat fashioned from tin foil by discowing

https://archiveofourown.org/works/14356020

Summary: nightwang @karakurachou – 8 hours ago

jason todd is alive and faked his death so he could become robin: a conspiracy theory thread

Batfam conspiracy theories meet social media.

My Thoughts: !!!!!!! so good!!!! seriously one of the best social media fics I’ve ever read.

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Bet Your Bottom Dollar by jerseydevious / @jerseydevious on tumblr and twitter

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17971160/chapters/42447017

Summary: Dick's been having kind of a hard time, recently. When it boils over, Bruce is there for him.

My Thoughts: I reread this one a LOT when I need Dick & Bruce feels

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Metanoia by AlannaOfRoses / @alannaofroses on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21943249

Summary: Jason's bleeding out, Dick's overtired, and a half-serious offer turns into their new normal. Sometimes you just need somebody else around.

My Thoughts: this one was also a gift to me!! it’s got amazing brotherly bonding and it made me laugh a LOT

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a hundred miles through the desert by acrobats

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18197330/chapters/43045388

Summary: Finding himself nearly three decades into the past hadn't been part of Jason's plans for the day, but he could manage. Having no idea how he got there, no clear path home and a recently orphaned Bruce Wayne determined to drag Jason into his search for his parents' killer - that might be a little more complicated.

My Thoughts: ughhh this is such good Jason content (and such amazing Jason voice, too) I adore it

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oh, where do I begin? by LazuliQuetzal / @lazuliquetzal on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21988693

Summary: “No, no, nothing’s wrong,” Jason says. “We’re a-okay. Just peachy. Good times.”

“Oh,” Duke says, lamely, working himself out of crisis mode. There’s an awkward silence for a moment before he speaks up again. “Why did you call?”

“Right, right," Jason mumbles, which seemed a little out of character to Duke. His sort-of wayward brother was generally intimidating, even when he wasn't trying to be. "Uh, Dick said that you had a guinea pig when you were younger. How do you take care of a guinea pig?”

_____

AKA, not-exactly accidental guinea pig acquisition

My Thoughts: this was ALSO a gift to me but it’s so funny and sweet and there’s amazing Duke & Jason bonding so I absolutely must rec it

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Latchkey by goldkirk / @goldkirk on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21672928/chapters/51685639

Summary: or, How Tim Drake Found A Family, Became A Photojournalist, Learned To Love Coffee, and Grew Up, not necessarily in that order.

Tim Drake is thirteen, runs the famous BatWatch blog that has spiraled hilariously out of control, has absentee parents that suit his purposes just fine, is training himself to run the streets at night, and is doing absolutely peachy, thank you.

Alfred and Jason disagree, and get Dick and Bruce involved in figuring out their weird nextdoor neighbor kid’s life. Everything goes uphill from there.

My Thoughts: this is SO GOOOOD the Tim feels are amazing!!! the family interactions!!! everything! sdkjfhsjdfhksdhfajh

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Blood in the Water by MishaBerry

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12734052/chapters/29037474

Summary: We all do stupid things when we are lonely, and in faraway lands, we hardly expect the consequences to follow us. Bruce certainly never thought twice about an American woman in Jaipur after one night with her. He hardly expected to see her ever again.

The universe, on the other hand, had different ideas, and the tides of time and chance brought Tim Drake to Bruce's life over and over again.

My Thoughts: this one is more AU than a lot of the others on here but it’s a lot of fun!! it has Tim & Damian & Jason feels, plus the rest of the family on a smaller scale

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so these are just SOME, and honestly you should go and check out other works done by all of these authors!! also would like to suggest reading the fics of @renecdote , @caramelmachete , @redtruthed , @rredarrow , and @schweeeppess !!!

[polyacrylamidepensieve]

For Posterity

Just realized as I was walking around my circle today, working on getting my stamina back: it’s probably a good idea to actually record just how colossally bad I’ve felt in the last four years or so. This way, when my patients tell me someday that they’re having similar sufferings, I can read this and remember how the world looks from here.

I haven’t wanted to honestly talk about it, bc it makes people uncomfortable and they don’t know how to respond… so guys, just don’t bother. Rest assured, I’m perfectly fine and there’s nothing more I need in this world right now. I’m happy now, that’s what matters. That’s what makes now a good time to finally write about this stuff in straightforward prose, without all of the pretty metaphors and euphemisms I always hide behind when I don’t want to admit how bad I’m feeling even to myself.

I’m posting this publicly because I want others to read my story and see their own suffering reflected here, to message me and tell me how your stories are perhaps similar and yet not the same. You are not alone. You are not abnormal. I got better. Maybe you will, too.

Okay. Let’s see. Well, during the first two years of med school, I was so clinically depressed and had so many intrusive thoughts (a symptom of anxiety) that I suffered from severe cognitive limitations. I couldn’t focus for long enough to read so much as a sentence. I’d get to the third word and then come to ten minutes later and realize I’d spaced out and couldn’t remember what I was supposed to be doing or why, and then I’d go lie down until I could remember what I had been trying to do. So I ended up basically either in class (four hours a day, four days a week) or in bed. Being in bed so much is really physically bad for a person - I completely deconditioned. I lost ten pounds because I couldn’t get up the desire to eat. I became short of breath just standing or walking for half an hour or so. I got sick at the drop of a hat, and I still think that level of immunocompromise is why I got cancer later. But more on that in a bit. I couldn’t hold real conversations or make friends - I’d forget what I was trying to say halfway through pretty much every sentence, and I couldn’t focus for long enough to really hear what people were trying to tell me, either. For someone who had always been high achieving, it was a truly eye opening experience to have a working memory of about 2-3 pieces of information. I know now what it’s like to stare at something for hours without comprehension. After I switched psychiatrists and my meds were doubled around the end of second year, I woke up one day and could think again. (I had a week before step 1. Still not sure how I passed, and not sure my score will be enough to get me in anywhere I want to go either. But that’s not relevant here. The point is,) I looked at the material that had given me so much trouble and I could understand it within about thirty seconds. That’s when I finally understood my privilege. That’s why “try harder” is no longer something I tell anyone to do, no matter how seemingly small or mundane the task. I finally understood in that moment that everyone is trying their very hardest every single day. Being able to accomplish things simply by trying hard is a capital-P Privilege.

Anyway, I was mildly suicidal for a little bit. I ended up sleeping with the classmate who lived in my building simply because he was the one person who could be there without too much inconvenience. When I didn’t know for sure that I could be alone and be safe, I didn’t feel like I was imposing too much by asking him to come up a few flights of stairs, and so I actually reached out for help, thank god. We don’t really get along, and we fought constantly because he’s unintentionally but unerringly patronizing and I was uber sensitive. If not for my condition, I don’t think we would have talked much or even been friends. But he saved my life, and I will forever be grateful for his willingness to be my crutch when I needed it most.

I don’t actually remember most of the ins and outs of those two years. He remembers much better than I do. I don’t remember entire major outings or conversations I had with people. It’s almost like being blacked out - you’re somewhat functional at the time but have no memory of it later. If my school had had tests or grades, I would not have made it through. I got my weekly essays and presentations done by going to bed early and waking up to do them at 3 am. I could focus a little better right when I woke up, and the adrenaline of having to present or submit in a few hours helped me to cobble together at least a semblance of something I could turn in.

The silver lining? I shed the gigantic ego I’d been lugging around. That, and I developed a thick skin. Thick enough, hopefully, to make it through a surgical residency. We’ll see. I am now capable of publicly humiliating myself and laughing it off - a vital tool in the physician toolbox. I, who would once have been mortified not to be thoroughly prepared for each and every class, made it through med school without reading a thing. My inadequacy was in everyone’s face during those years. It showed up three times a week for small group problem-based learning. It reared its head every Monday or Thursday when I worked with my preceptors in clinic. And whenever I was compelled to speak in class, it made sure to loiter around until the very end. My classmates still see me as an incompetent, anxious, and unreliable peer, and I may never truly win their trust at this point. The less pleasant ones didn’t deign to speak to me at all, back then. Wouldn’t meet my eyes or acknowledge what I had to say. Anyway, it was either learn to handle it or kill myself. The boy I mentioned above once described the aftermath of my suicide in such vivid detail that I couldn’t bring myself to be so selfish, even when I was at rock bottom. So now here I am, for better or for worse, unapologetically alive and with the habit of failing firmly tucked into my back pocket.

I can also now say that I’m a significantly more receptive listener, so there’s that. I no longer hear threats to my ego when people are just trying to help or to ask for help. Also, being willing to admit to anyone that I don’t know something or that I’m wrong somewhere has allowed me to become much more assertive and to ask for things I would never have asked for before. Nothing can hurt me anymore, not worse than I’ve handled being hurt before.

Not even cancer. That’s the second half of all of this. It’s a much shorter half, bc honestly it wasn’t that bad. But the fatigue, my god. Night sweats are gross, surgery hurts, my breasts are no longer as beautiful as they were, the MRI guided biopsy was brutally painful and I’m allergic to the contrast dye. None of that compares to the fatigue. I struggled for months before my diagnosis and just couldn’t explain to my research year supervisor why I had so much trouble coming in to work on time. I would sleep for twelve, fourteen hours on the weekends, wake up for two hours and then nap for another five or six hours. I never felt rested. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get my team to respect or like me. I was just so tired.

After my diagnosis, the blows just kept coming. I was diagnosed via phone call on my 26th birthday, and my parents’ insurance stopped covering me at the end of that month. We didn’t know what stage I was, if I’d need chemo, if I’d lose my fertility and my hair. Having my own biological kids was top of the list when it came to priorities before, but now that I’ve given real thought to what life looks like without them, things have shifted a bit.

I don’t have a ton else to say, though, about cancer suffering. Radiation hurt like hell the first day but got better. My boyfriend of six months dumped me and got right back together with the girl he was sleeping with before meeting me, almost not quite even in that order, around week one of radiation. But honestly? I got off easy. No chemo. I’ve even come off of my depression meds. And I’m grateful to said latest ex, too, because he was the one who found my cancer. I think I just don’t want ever to forget how scary it all was, despite knowing how to navigate the system better than most and having insider influence. For my patients, I can’t afford to forget the pre-surgery anxiety or the shock of being diagnosed. I can’t forget what it was like to be powerless and broken, because someday I’ll be the one behind the knife, the one with all the power.

And you know what? Cancer is something that either breaks people apart or pushes them together, and I found out that I am truly blessed with incredible friends. I didn’t tell many people about my diagnosis (at this point, half of my 32 person class doesn’t know), and still I had a few classmates and friends offer to shave their heads with me. Others offered to bring me food, take me to my appointments, watch my cat, and some even just came over almost every day for a week to hold my hand and listen to me cry my eyes out over a boy. My 3 best girlfriends, who’ve been my best friends since we were all in fifth grade, sent me packages and pictures of pink strips they’d collectively dyed into their hair. I don’t know how I’ll ever pay all of this forward, but I guess I can definitely try. :)