#i had trouble sleeping a brain that wont shut up i cried at nights i feel terrible

[babypetri]

I miss sending funny videos to my friends

[darkmystress00]

Babysitter's Club - Ch 17

A/N: Hello!

I know I disappeared on you for a while. I'm sorry. My family suffered some loss, and then my husband and I needed to work on us (because we were dangerously close to not being an "us" anymore), and then...I made a thing...

So I have only *just* gotten back into the swing of writing again. It is slow, and painful, most days, but I am committed to finishing this story for you guys. Hopefully you are willing to come along for the ride.

Pairing: Misha x Reader

Catch up here!

You woke slowly, stretching languidly in your bed. Your body felt super relaxed and it took a moment for your sleep muddled mind to remember exactly why. Last night Misha had driven your body over the edge to crash into waves of pleasure you hadn’t experienced yet in your life. The man was skilled with his fingers, and he had used them on your body many times through out the night before you had slunk off to collapse on your bed in an exhausted (but, oh, so happy) heap. Misha had asked you to stay with him, and sleep in his bed, but you had been way too paranoid about the kids finding you that you had gently declined. You wanted to talk to the kids before they saw anything happen.

With one final stretch you picked up your phone and checked the time before climbing out of bed. It was early. Really early. You knew the others were going to wake up soon, but you wanted to get up and get coffee made. Silently you slipped from your room, eyes landing on Misha’s closed door. You fought the urge to slip into his room for a snuggle.

You slipped into the kitchen and filled the coffee pot with water and grounds. As it brewed you stood, recalling the things that had happened last night. Things had changed so much, so quickly, and while you were still basking in the afterglow of it all you really needed to talk to Misha about what all this meant.

You felt some hands slide over your hips to wrap gently around you in a hug from behind. You jumped lightly as Misha rested his chin on your shoulder before smiling and relaxing into his arms. Your hands came to rest on his circled about your waist. “Good morning.” He rumbled from behind you.

“Good morning. How did you sleep?” you queried.

“I slept ok. Would have been better if you had been there with me.” He offered with a gentle kiss to the crook of your neck.

“I know, I just…” you let out a breath. “I want to tell the kids before they just see something going on.” Misha paused for a moment. He hadn’t considered the effect this would have on the kids if it wasn’t handled right. He knew his kids though. They loved you, just like you loved them, and Misha really had a strong feeling they would be happy to know you were going to be a more permanent fixture in their household.

“I understand.” He agreed. “Would you want to tell them this morning? Before we go to the airport?”

“I don’t think we have enough time. I don’t want to rush through this. I want to do it right. Their world has been changing so much the past year, and I don’t want them to feel like it’s turning topsy turvy again. You know?”

“Absolutely.” He agreed. “We can do it when we get back to California. We’re supposed to get settled in again before that award show in a few weeks. We can approach it with them then. Give them some time to absorb it before going to their mother’s and us going public.” The thought of you two going public made you stiffen against him. It wasn’t that you wanted to hide your relationship, but the thought that so many people would be watching you made you nervous. If that wasn’t handled right either things would get messy and uncomfortable. “Hey…” he coaxed gently, trying to keep you from getting too upset. “Hey, Y/N, it’s going to be ok.” He breathed into your ear. “The kids are going to be excited about it, our friends are excited about it, our family will be excited about it. Anyone else is extra.” Your heart thumped and you smiled.

“You’re right.” you settled back into his arms. “I’m just a worrier.”

“I know. I’d like to do something to take your mind off of it though.” You turned your head to look at him with a question in your eyes. His lips gently came down on yours and you quietly sighed into the kiss.

“Oh, but the kids…” you trailed off, pulling back gently.

“The kids are still sound asleep, and wont wake up for a little while.” his hands flattened on your stomach, gently pushing the bottom of your top up so he could stroke your skin. He kissed the spot where your neck met your shoulder and you swallowed a groan. “Let me take your mind off of it...please?” Heat bloomed in the pit of your stomach and you nodded.

“Alright.” Misha’s eyes darkened as he watched you. One of his hands smoothed up your ribs, under your shirt, to cup your breast and play with your nipple that hardened against his palm. His other hand snaked down. His fingers slipped down until he felt you warm and wet. Your hands gripped his wrists, not pulling him away but holding on as he touched you and stoked your body to life. Your breathing was ragged as pleasure shot through you as his fingers started to lazily circle your clit.

“Put your hands on the counter, Y/N.” It took you a moment to decipher what he was telling you to do. You looked at him and he smirked at you before pulling your body back into his. Your rear end came in contact with his hardness and without thinking you wiggled slightly causing him to hiss. “Y/N,” he said again, his voice raw and husky from need, “put your hands on the counter and don’t move them.” You licked your lips and placed them flat on the counter between you and the coffee pot.

His fingers slid down to tease at your entrance before dragging back up to tease at your swollen bundle of nerves. It was so hard to keep the pants and sighs from slipping out of your mouth. “Misha.” you whispered, still very aware that West and Maison were asleep in a room just down the hall. “I want you.” You whined so only he would be able to hear you.

“I want you too, but I don’t think we’ll have enough time for that.” He supplied as his fingers doubled their efforts between your legs. “I don’t want to rush this, and when it finally happens, I want to have all the time in the world to enjoy it.” He gently rocked into you. “We have waited too long for this to be rushed.” You gasped and reached a hand behind you, intent on touching him. His hand between your legs froze and he chuckled. “Y/N...I said put your hands on the counter.” he nipped at your earlobe. “This is about you.”

“But I want to…”

“I know, and normally I would let you, but today, right now,” he guided your hand back to the counter top “I want to watch you come up apart in my arms so that I can try to keep my hands to myself when we’re in public and with the kids.” The hand between your legs started moving again and you almost sobbed in relief as pleasure coursed through you.

“I’m so close, Misha…” you panted as you rocked against his hand. You bit your lip as his free hand slid your shirt up and over your breast before gently tweaking the hardened peak there. One final circle from his fingers and you were stiffening in his arms, a silent cry stealing your breath.

“Fuck, so sexy…” you heard Misha curse in your ear, but you were too far gone as you rode the waves of pleasure coursing through your body.

“Dad?” West’s voice cut through the fog in your brain as you registered the sound of little feet starting to move down the hallway. Before you could think twice your shirt was pulled back into place, your shorts as well, and Misha turned to poke his head to look down the hallway.

“Good morning West, good morning Maison!” He said in a cheerful voice. You were still breathing heavily and your hands trembled as you reached for a coffee mug (although you weren’t sure if you were trembling from the amazing orgasm you’d just had, or the shock of West and Maison almost walking in on you.) You took a deep breath and poured two cups of coffee and turned to see West enter the kitchen.

“Morning Y/N!” West cried before launching himself at you in a hug.

“Good morning guys!” You smiled and stooped down to hug both of them. You felt Misha’s eyes watching you but couldn’t make yourself look up at him. The man was going to get you in trouble and you knew if you looked at him right now, you’d do something very inappropriate. “You just about ready to eat some breakfast and head to the airport?”

“Yep! Can we have pancakes?” West asked excitedly.

“You know what, pancakes sound amazing.” You answered. “Why don’t I get all the ingredients and we can make some pancakes while your dad goes and gets ready to go, then when we’re all done we can grab our stuff and head out?” You chanced a peek up at Misha and he was watching you with fire in his eyes.

“Sounds good to me. I’ll hop in a quick shower,” he licked his lips as he locked eyes with you, “then after we’re done eating, I’ll clean up dishes while you three get ready.” You nodded dumbly and watched as he left the room. You turned back to the kids standing in front of you.

“Alright helpers, let’s get everything ready!”

~~~

Misha took a steadying breath as he shut the bathroom door. He’d been ten second away from bending you over the counter and losing himself inside you, but he wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t want to rush this. Having West interrupt from down the hall (thank God he’d announced himself instead of just walking into the kitchen silently) had been a blessing and a curse. He’d been able to pull himself from the hazy fog of wanting you enough to fix your clothes and close his robe to hide his very evident arousal, but now he was left frustrated and in desperate need of release. He knew exactly what he was going to be doing in the shower. It wasn’t what he wanted, but he knew it would take the edge off while you all traveled.

~~~

“Y/N” Maison whined as you all say at the gate waiting for the plane. “Gotta go potty.” You checked the clock on your phone. You had just enough time to take her to the bathroom and get back before the priority family boarding started.

“Alright. If we hurry we can make it.” You smiled and scooped her up. “Misha I’ll be right back. I’m going to take her to the restroom and be right back.” He smiled at you.

“Perfect.” He checked his watch. “West, do you have to go?” He looked down at the almost six year old. West paused and thought for a moment.

“No, but I should prolly try, huh?” He looked up at you and then to his dad.

“Yeah buddy, let’s all go and then we can get on the plane.” Misha answered before scooping up his and West’s bag. The men’s restroom was on one side of the gate and the women’s was on the other. You all parted to go handle the chore. As you stood in the large stall waiting for Maison to finish going you phone chimed indicating you had a text message. You pulled it out and saw Misha’s name pop up on your screen.

Misha: Have I told you how amazing it is to watch you with the kids?

Y/N: I try. They are amazing kids and make my job easier.

Misha: Would you be willing to stay with me on a night when you’re not on the job? Your heart thumped rapidly. You desperately wanted to stay the night with him any night he wanted you to. Was it moving too fast? You knew if you stayed with him you two would end up sleeping together. Would that make you seem easy? You’d already told him you didn’t want to just be ‘the nanny.’ You wanted more. This was definitely ‘more.’

Y/N: Yes.

You helped Maison do up her pants and then walked her to the sink to wash her hands and lead her out of the bathroom. You saw Misha at the gate waiting for you and you couldn’t help the big smile that came to your lips. You had no idea what you did to deserve him. He was gorgeous, kind, caring, a great father, hilarious. He always worried about you and making sure you were comfortable and taken care of. He spoiled you. If he wasn’t careful he’d have you falling head over heels in love with him before either of you had a moment to realize it. You walked up to him, still beaming at just how happy you were.

Seeing the beautiful smile on your face had Misha’s heart tripping in his chest. Before he could think better of it he held up his phone and snapped a picture of the four of you together. He loaded it to all his social media captioned, “Traveling with these three makes life a lot happier.”

“You ladies ready?” He asked, tucking his phone in his pocket.

“Yep, daddy!” Maison called with a smile. “Y/N am I sitting next to you or next to Daddy?”

“Well, I think this time West starts out next to me. Maybe if you ask really nicely he’ll switch with you halfway through?”

“Awww, but Y/N…” West whined.

“You guys really need to stop being so obvious.” You teased, “Your dad is going to get all upset when he realizes you like me more than him.” Misha let out a snort.

“In your dreams.” He teased back. “I pay them to like you.”

“Do not!” West argued, “We like Y/N all on our own, because she’s nice, and fun, and pretty.” You could feel your cheeks flaming red. “And I’m gonna marry her one day.” He said, puffing out his chest a little in pride. Your eyes went wide and jumped to Misha quickly, who also looked a little perplexed. That was an unexpected declaration.

“Oh really, West. Is that so?” Misha said, laughter hidden in his voice.

“Mmhmm.”

“Ok, West. We’ll see.” He looked to you and gave you a wink. “Let’s go get on the plane now.” West led the way with you following close behind and Misha bringing up the last of your little group. Misha smiled as he watched you walk down the aisle way towards your seat. You looked so concerned about West’s declaration. While it wasn’t something he was expecting, he knew it was nothing serious. West wouldn’t be heartbroken when he found out about the two of you. He thought it was adorable that you were even worried about it. He watched as you settled both Maison and West in their seats before sitting down yourself. You’d taken the aisle seat so West could have the window. Misha followed suit.

He was having a hard time keeping his head out of the clouds. Sitting across the aisle from you felt vaguely couple-y. It wasn’t a far stretch to imagine the two of you traveling together without the kids there. He wondered if you’d still be worried about people taking your picture with him, or if you’d be able to relax and just be present with him. He wanted to hold your hand. He wanted to sit next to you and sling his arm around your shoulders and hold you. He knew he couldn’t right now, but he was excited for the future when he would get to.

But that was still a little ways off. So far, you’d agreed to stay with him on a night when you weren’t working with the kids. That night couldn’t come soon enough.

~~~

You turned the page in one of your very worn books that you had read at least a hundred times, and paused as your phone dinged. You picked it up and saw a message from Misha. Your eyes flicked over to him to see him sitting quietly scrolling through something on his phone. You opened your messages and heat flooded you.

Misha: I want you Y/N. I can’t stop thinking about the sounds you make when I’m touching you.

Y/N: I want you too. You felt naughty. Talking about this through text message with the kids in the seats next to you, granted they were sleeping, but still. I miss the feeling of your hands on my body.

Misha: I wasn’t done with you this morning. There were so many things I wanted to do to you before we got interrupted.

Y/N: Oh I know. There were quite a few things I wanted to do to you as well.

Misha: Oh really? Like what? Care to share?

You cast a sideways glace towards him and noticed he’d set his phone down on the tray table and picked up a magazine. Cocky. He either thought you wouldn’t respond or you’d offer very little information. You grinned to yourself and tapped out your reply achingly slowly. You wanted to make the man blush. You wanted to see him shift in his seat because his pants got a bit too tight. You wanted to work him up just like you were worked up. You sent the message and waited.

Misha heard his phone ding so he picked it up and unlocked it. He let out what sounded like a cross between a cough and a groan and shifted in his seat. His eyes darted to you and you smiled noticing that his cheeks seemed a touch redder then they’d been before. He turned back to his phone and started tapping out a response. It seemed like forever before your phone chimed again.

Misha: You have no idea how badly I want to steal you away to make those things happen. Wanna join the mile high club? ;-)

You giggled and looked at him before playfully shaking your head. “Who would watch the munchkins?” You teased. He let out a soft groan that almost sounded like a whimper.

“If we strap them down and give them lots of candy, they wont even notice we’re gone.” He protested. You let out a laugh and shook your head again. “You are a cruel woman.” He muttered behind a playful pout before winking at you.

“You like it.”

“Oh, I absolutely do.” He responded, sending a shiver down your spine at the huskiness in his voice. You suddenly wished your time off was a lot closer than it actually was.

~~~

Misha stood in his kitchen staring blankly through the window as his mind raced a mile a minute. He could hear you playing with the kids in one of the rooms and it made his heart swell. Everyone had been home for a few days and was settling back into the daily routine. Except for him. He had to admit, while the attraction and easy camaraderie had always been there, now that you had decided you wanted more (just like he did) keeping himself from giving you affection in front of the kids had been tough. It wasn’t like he wanted to rip your clothes off and do naughty things to do all day (which he did, but that was easier to control), but he often found himself wanting to hug you or kiss your cheek, or just general easy affection that felt natural throughout the day.

He turned on his heel and marched over to the playroom where he found you on the floor with the kids building something with a lego set of West’s. You looked up at him with a smile. “I want to tell them.” He said without hesitation or preamble. Your expression morphed into one of shock and you looked at the kids noting they looked confused.

“Right now?”

“Yes.” He almost whined. “They’re settled. We’re settled. We have time.” He watched you stand up. “I’d like to tell them right now.” You looked down at West and Maison quickly and saw them looking between the both of you, waiting for an answer.

“Tell us what?” West asked quickly. “Y/N isn’t leaving, right Dad?”

“No West. I’m not going anywhere.” You offered with a smile. “It’s nothing bad. I promise. Come on, let’s all go into the kitchen and get some lunch while we talk.” West didn’t look convinced but nodded and followed you out of the playroom. “You could have warned me, or maybe said it with a little less ‘doom and gloom’.” You teased as you walked towards the kitchen. Misha shrugged.

“Sorry. It’s been on my mind a lot and I just realized I was done waiting.” You nodded.

“I understand.” Once in the kitchen you turned and grabbed some ingredients to put together some grilled cheese sandwiches. Misha grabbed some fruit from the fridge, washed it, and set it on the table for the kids to munch on while you got the sandwiches ready. It didn’t take long. You dished up everyone’s plate and then sat down at the table. You looked to Misha, not really sure how to start.

“West, Maison,” He hedged, “you two like Y/N, right?” Both kids nodded their heads quickly. “Well I do too.” He stumbled, “I more than like her.” He clarified. This wasn’t as easy as he had thought it would be. “I like her the way I liked your mom for a very, very long time.” Realization started to brew in West’s eyes.

“I like your dad too.” You offered. “Nothing is going to change. I’m still going to be here to be with you. I’m still going to go with you to watch your dad film. I will still be helping out at your mom’s. We wanted to tell you in case you saw us hug, or hold hands, or something like that. We didn’t want you to be confused.”

“Does that mean you’ll be having sleep overs here? Like when we’re in Canada?” West asked.

“Maybe in the future, but not right now.” You answered honestly. You might have a ‘sleep over’ with Misha in the near future, but the kids weren’t going to be here and it might take you a little while to be comfortable with that.

“Are you going to be our new mommy?” Your eyes widened.

“West, that is really jumping into the future buddy.” Misha answered. It wasn’t that he hadn’t thought about it, but this was still so new and neither one of you wanted to make promises or claims that weren’t guaranteed. No one wanted the kids to get hurt.

“And if that were to happen West, I wouldn’t be your new mommy. Your mom will always, always, always be your mommy. I would be a bonus mom.” You needed him to know you weren’t replacing anyone, even though marriage wasn’t an option even remotely close to being on the table at the moment. “But that is something that wouldn’t happen for a long time and not until we all talked about it first. I promise.” He looked at you and nodded before taking a bite of his sandwich. “Are you guys ok? Do you have any questions?” Maison shook her head as she ate. You didn’t think she really completely understood exactly what was going on, but felt better knowing you were at least including her. “How about you West. Are you ok?”

“Yeah.” he said, “Just sad…” he trailed off.

“Why is that buddy?” Misha asked, suddenly nervous.

“That means I wont be able to marry Y/N when I get grown up.” It took a heartbeat before what he said sunk in and you couldn’t help the big smile and laugh that bubbled up inside you. You leaned over and hugged him.

“Don’t worry West. You’ll always be my number one guy.” He smiled into you and hugged you back.

“Good.”

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[anxiousramblingsblog]

a new day, a new week

10-8-18

I went to bed pretty early last night. About 11:15. I was hoping to sleep hard, have relief from my brain and the torment it has been lately. I slept well until about 4:30 when I abruptly woke up and immeediately was filled with anxiety. That familiar tightness gripped my chest. I tried all my usual tricks, squeezed my blankets tighter, cuddled my dogs, played thunderstorm sounds on my phone to help my brain shut off.... but I tossed and turned for over two hours... my brain churning over a million things. Very aware of how much time I had until my alarm would go off for work. I must have finally fallen asleep again sometimes after 7am... my alarm woke me up at 8 and I cried internally as I knew the day was already going to be bad. I thought of excuses I could give to get out of work or go in late, but managed to pull myself out of bed and become functional enough to get ready for work. I got my dogs into the car and stopped for food. Dropped my dogs off at my exes so they wouldnt be alone all day, and headed to work.

I thought about the conversations I had had with my partner the previous day... lets call him Joel for now. I wondered if today would be better or would already be tainted with negativity. I decided not to message him and let him come to me. I spoke a little with a member of my polycule, I will call him Paul. He is not very good with emotions but he usually listens to me as at least offers comfort. He gave me a little insight from his point of view and it calmed me slightly. I did decide to message Joel, just to let him know that I loved him, that I was here for him and I wanted to put all the negative energy behind us and be good partners to each other. I really only want his happiness. Hed already stated he’d be going dark for the day so I know not when he will see my message, nor if he will reply. But I hope it at least touches his heart a little. I truly think everyone deserves someone willing to put up with the tough times and not give up on them when they are working thru their own shit. Thats why I wont give up on him. Thats why I’ll be here through the tough times and wait for the sunshine on the other end. That, to me, is what good partners do. I have yet to find someone willing to put up with my tough times tho, or someone strong enough to not give up on me... but I know what I would want and that’s what I’ll give to him.

For my job, I work with kids. I wont get more detailed at the moment. I got thru my first few hours, very dazed, not really focused on what I was doing. Paul had reminded me that being Poly, I have the ability to go out and meet new people, potential partners. I know this but it slips my mind. I dont like the idea of “looking” for partners. Im not interested in dating to “see where it goes.” I consider myself demi-sexual. I have a hard time pursuing anything that I dont feel strongly connected to. I dont do hookups or casual sex. I hate dating sites bc to me, no one looks interesting. So why would I waste my time? I prefer meeting people naturally, making connections naturally and having things evolve organically. I have had the most fulfilling relationships this way, even if they ultimately ended. However, I decided to put some dating apps back on my phone, just to test the water, see how it felt.

I browsed, half-heartedly. Mostly swiping not interested..but again its so impersonal. Youre asking me to judge people on their looks alone. and thats just not how I work. Im more attracted to a persons personality. But I figured I should make an effort since Im feeling very alone and my partner at this time can not give me as much as I need. Then the messagees start flooding in. I forget how annoying this is. I reply to a few, trying to make light conversation...still attempting. When I get a message from a guy I recognize. It seems everytime I decide to attempt a dating site again, I run into him. He’s very nice but anytime Ive talked to him, hes had a partner who as monogomous. But Im happy to see a familiar face and talking with him in easy. Messages keep flooding, the rate is increasing. I become annoyed and start deleting people. Then I just close the app and continue to talk to Rob elsewhere.

Around this time I also messaged my metamour, Lilly. I asked her for help with understanding our shared partner, Joel. I explain I just want to be a better partner... I am scared to talk to her because I usually do not get a very frendly reply but I am desperate. I make it about him. We both care about him. Its our mutual ground. She explains he’s stuck in his own head, that he’s been having trouble processing since the accident. I explain he never told me about the accident. That he gets mat at me for things he never told me about. She says I cant depend on him for my emotional needs. She explains it took him over a year to open up to her at all. That he will be seeking a therapist. We talk a bit more. It helps to get clear answers. To know a direction to go to in regards to Joel. I thank Lilly and we both return to work.

Im much calmer now. The storm has nuetralized. The tightness has released. I try to focus a little bit on work so I dont feel like ive completely failed my cliients for the day. Ive been completely zoned out and am surprised I havent gotten in trouble or spoken to about phone usage. I really need to get better about this.

Joel returns from darkness and says he is feeling a bit better. He shares a positive experience with Lilly and I. It makes me so happy he is doing well at his job. Hes working hard and it shows. Hes making progress. My heart aches for the pain I know he has inside. But ‘ll be here, for when he’s ready for my love.

I need to be better also. I need to do better. Find ways to stay grounded.

I know my posts are long, but if you manage to stay with me thru it, thank you. I appreciate you.