#i barely talked with my family and i forces myself for it i didnt want to worry them

[babypetri]

I miss sending funny videos to my friends

[witchersmistress]

From the Ground Up

Hello my darlings! i have a monster update for ya'll, its mostly going to be Harpers pov as august didnt have much to say.

Triggerwarning: Sex, slight stalking, breaking and entering

Word count: 5.1 K

The last week in August feels like a countdown, the days ticking down to when it’s over between Mr. D and me. We both know everything shifted when I left, and maybe it did again when I came back. I’m more awake now, too awake to be his doll. I try to still my hammering heart when I think about going back to school, but I hold onto the determination, one of the only feelings I can manage.

The day before I plan to return to school, Mr. D is quiet all through dinner and our visit to the garden. He cuts a huge sunflower blossom and lays it on my chest where I’m reclined on the chaise lounge. Then he sits down beside my legs, his back to me. Crickets chirp in the golden field below. The air is heavy and dense, that late August heat that lays thick on the day like a weighted blanket, threatening to smother you even after the sun has sluggishly drifted below the horizon. I pick up the flower, stroking the soft petals between my finger and thumb. “Thank you,” I say. “Is this a sun to brighten my first day of school tomorrow?” “You know why they’re called that?” “Because they look like suns?” “Because they follow the sun,” he says, pointing up at the half dozen tall stalks towering over us. They’re all facing west, where the sun just disappeared. “Every day?” “Every day.” “What if it’s cloudy?” “Even when it’s cloudy, when they can’t see what matters, they never waver in their path.” Is he talking about the Walkers, about revenge? 

He turns to me, pulling his knee up beside me, and watches my face like he expects a response. “Maybe they should,” I say, because I know what revenge does to a family, what it costs those who seek it and those in their path. “Things change.” “At night, at their darkest point, when the sun is furthest from them, they turn back to the east,” he says. “They wait for the sun to come back. They know it will.” I swallow hard, my chest tightening as I search his eyes. He’s not talking about revenge. He’s talking about living again. “Are you my sunflower?” I ask, my words barely more than a whisper. “Or am I yours?” He takes my free hand in his, lacing his elegant fingers through mine. “You’re a sunflower, but you’re not mine,” he says. “I’m not anyone’s sun anymore.” “You could be,” I say, my throat tight. He shakes his head, the corners of his mouth pulling down. “No, Harper. You don’t belong here. You never did. We both know that.” My eyes blur over, and I have to blink a few times. I don’t want to let go of his hand, to leave this cocoon with only brass knuckles for protection. I crave the oblivion, the weightlessness of life in his pristine world. “I can’t thank you enough for… Everything.” “You don’t have to thank me,” he says. “Just promise me one thing.” I tense, ready for the demands. I know what he wants, but I don’t want to be part of that world anymore. I have no fight left, not even for the boys who destroyed me. “I can’t.” He squeezes my hand. “Find your sun, Harper. 

That’s all I want for you.” A tear spills down my cheek, and I reach for his face, my fingers faltering before I make contact. “Can I?” He stiffens, but he doesn’t move. I carefully untie the silk ribbons that hold the silver mask in place and lift it off. My breath catches, but I force myself not to drop my gaze, not to look away. His skin is tight, red, and angry, over half his forehead and down one side of his face, the side with the unseeing eye. His eyebrow and lashes are gone, his eye slightly skewed and smaller than the other. My fingers shake as I reach up and touch the edge of the mark. “Some people like playing with fire,” I whisper, remembering Colt’s words. He doesn’t look at me, but I know it’s over. He wouldn’t have shown me if he thought I’d come back. I should say something, tell him it’s not so bad, but I don’t want to lie to him. “Maybe we all do,” he says quietly. “I’m no use to you anymore,” I whisper. “August doesn’t care about me. I’m dead to him.” “Do you think you could stay one more night?” he asks, the ache of his vulnerability making my chest contract painfully. “Just let me hold you one more time.” I nod, my eyes burning. He slides onto the chaise with me, fitting his body along mine. He doesn’t put the mask back on, and he faces me, but he closes his eyes, as if he can’t bear to see my face now that I’ve seen him. I turn toward him in the chair. I run my fingertips over his unmarked cheek and then his scarred one. 

Finally I lean in and brush my lips over each eyelid. The contrast brings tears back to my lashes. “Thank you for saving my life,” I whisper. The corner of his mouth tugs up the slightest bit. “Ditto.” I let out a quiet laugh through the tears. “I didn’t do anything.” “You never know.” Sometimes you do, though. 

 For months, Mr. D woke me up to fuck every morning. Since returning to him, he hasn’t touched me. Not that way. On the first day I planned to return to Georgia  State, I woke to the sun streaming in the wall of windows. We came down after dark last night, and he lay me in bed between his high thread count sheets. He didn’t take pictures. We didn’t talk. He just turned off the light without replacing his mask. This morning, he’s still asleep, his terrible, scarred face even more heartbreaking in the light of day. I get up and shower, since I didn’t get a chance last night. When I come out of the bathroom, he’s sitting up in bed, his mask over his face again. “One more time, for old time’s sake?” he asks, patting the bed beside him and giving me a tentative smile. It’s different, though. We’re real people now, not marionettes.

 He hasn’t fucked me in weeks, since I told him I wouldn’t be his whore. “Can I get my sponsorship back?” I ask. It’s too late for me anyway. I’m already a whore. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he says with a little smile, like he’s thinking about the same thing, like he wants to assure me it’s not a trade for sex. I’ve been considering this since I started making up the work, debating whether I’m strong enough. I’ve finally decided. I’m not strong enough. I’m broken enough. If I could bear the brutality of the Walker twins and their friends for one night when I was whole, I can bear to see them every day now that nothing matters. I might have freaked out when I saw August, but that’s because I loved him once.

 He won’t be at Georgia State, though. If I do this, I will never have to see any of them again in my life when it’s over. If this is what I have to do to leave this place and never look back, start over somewhere far away, where no one knows my name or my body, I will. I once felt a kinship with Mabel Darling, but now I truly understand. Now I know what would make a person change their name and disappear like a ghost, cutting ties with even their family. Some rottenness is too severe to fix, and the only way to live is to cut it all away, like a gangrenous limb. And I’m just numb enough to cut away mine. I climb onto the bed and sit back on my feet. “Take off the mask,” I tell Mr. D. He hesitates, and I watch his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows. Then he reaches back and unties it, dropping it onto the nightstand before reaching for me. He pulls me into his lap, then grabs the lube in his top drawer. I caught his wrist. “Do it right,” I say, sliding off him and pulling him back down on the bed. He draws the covers over us and scoots close, until our bare bodies are pressed together. I try not to think about all the things we said to each other in those messages, so many months of messages. It doesn’t seem real that he can be the same person. He’s not what I pictured at all. But maybe no one is. He presses his lips to mine for the first and last time, cupping my cheek in his hand, saying goodbye. The ache in each slow kiss twists tight inside my chest until I’m sure my ribs will crack. He slides his other hand between my thighs and touches me, and when I’m ready, he rolls onto me and pushes inside. “Good girl,” he says, his lips skimming mine. “So fucking good.” I close my eyes. “Mr. D,” I whisper, as if to make it more real. He lets out a little laugh of breath. “You don’t have to call me that when I’m inside you,” he says. “It makes me imagine you’re picturing my dad.” I nod, and he moves slowly on top of me, sliding in and out, watching me like he’s waiting for something. I felt nothing for him all these months, but now I can’t help it. Since seeing August shook me awake, made me feel something again, I’ve been coming back to life despite myself. I wanted to stay numb forever, but every day my mangled soul twitches a bit more than the day before. I look up at Mr. D, and I try to remember what I should feel when a man is inside me, but I can’t. I don’t love him. I know that. All I feel is sadness. 

Tears slid down my cheeks, wetting my hair. “Is it my face?” he murmurs. “I can put the mask back on.” I shake my head, trying to stop the tears, to stop my lip from trembling and my throat from squeezing so painfully tight it brings more tears. “Do you want me to stop?” he asks. I shake my head again. I wrap my arms around his neck, and I hold him close and give him what he wants, not sex but closeness, however empty it is. I wish I could fix all the brokenness in him, that he could fix me, and that we could be that for each other. But we’re just not. When he’s done, he showers, and I go to the kitchen and make eggs and toast. Everything in his kitchen is clean and shiny and expensive. No chipped plates or mismatched knives. I think about how angry my mother will be when I tell her I’ve walked away from this. She’ll tell me it’s every girl’s fantasy—every girl like me. That I’ll never do better. And maybe she’s right. Mr. D comes out wearing his mask, charcoal grey dress pants, and a blue button-up shirt that matches his mismatched eyes. We eat in silence, but it’s different, the air heavy instead of relaxed. “I want to go back to Georgia State,” I say.

 He makes a noncommittal sound and forks through his eggs. “Thanks for cooking.” “How old are you?” I ask, pulling back to study him—his sharp chin freshly shaven, his lips that never touched me until today. It’s hard to tell with the mask, but I know he’s younger than I pictured. He’s the furthest thing from a gross old guy jerking off in his trailer and offering me the moon. Or even a gross old rich guy jerking off at his computer while I told him about sucking dick. “27” Damn. He’s only been out of college for a few years. He seems so much older, at least in his mid-thirties. “I’ve caught up on everything I missed last year,” I say, trying to keep the nerves from taking me over at the thought of setting foot in the same school as the football team. “Maybe you can go in and talk to them about my sponsorship?” “That again.” He shakes his head and takes the plates to the sink. “I think I’ve earned it.” “You know I never leave this place,” he says without looking at me, turning on the water to rinse the plates. “You left to get me every time I came over this summer,” I point out, crossing my arms, some little seed of stubbornness sprouting inside me, sinking its roots into the ground. “And when I lived here, I heard you leave at least a dozen times in the evenings.” “I won't get out of my truck.” “I’d rather have that than all the clothes and shoes and jewelry.” He doesn’t say  anything. I want to be angry, but I can’t summon that much emotion. So I turn and go to his room. While he washes up, I get the designer bag he bought to keep my new phone and keys in, and I put on the red-soled shoes he slid on my feet one day. He’s spent so much, I feel guilty asking for more. But that’s the only gift I’ve ever wanted. I didn’t ask for fancy things. I return to the island that separates the kitchen and main room of the loft. “I’m leaving the things you brought me here. I’ll bring back the shoes and clothes I’m wearing.” “I don’t need them,” he says, coming around the end of the island. “I have a phone. I’m not into women’s clothes, and even if I were, I couldn’t wear your size.” “I don’t feel right taking them. You’ve done so much.” “Then let me do this,” he says, his familiar, entitled hands falling to my hips. “Let me at least pretend I did something good for you these last five months.” “Okay,” I say, swallowing hard. I search his eyes, my gaze moving from his blind, unseeing eye to the one that’s so sharp and alive, but just as guarded as the mask makes him.

 Is it unfair to ask for my sponsorship back? He’s done more than buy me things. Things I can never repay him for. But all he’ll remember is that I accused him of treating me like a whore after accepting every gift he gave. I can’t ask for more. He runs his finger down the chain of the necklace, looping it through the bottom, where the ballerina charm hangs. “Don’t take this off, okay? I like knowing that wherever you are, you’re wearing it. That I’m with you.” “I should get to school.” He hands me his truck keys and steps back, his lips tightening. “I’ll be down in a minute.” I watch him disappear into the bedroom, and heaviness settles in my belly. He wouldn’t even fight the Walkers after what they did to him and his family, even when I gave him all the ammunition he needed to take them down. There’s no chance he’s going to fight for me. I’m going to have to remember how to fight for myself. So, I take the keys, ready to face the admin at Georgia State on my own. Taking a deep breath, I pull open the door. Colt Darling is standing on the other side.

“Colt?” I say, as if making sure this is real, that he’s the same person he was before. “Harper?” He looks me up and down the same way. I guess I’m not the same girl he knew, either. My body has changed in ways he can see, but he doesn’t know the rest of me has changed, too. At least, I don’t think he does. “What are you doing here?” I ask, glancing back over my shoulder. “What are you doing here?” Colt asks, his voice sharp. “Why are you dressed like that?” I recover from my surprise quickly. Mr. D is a Darling, and Colt is a Darling, so it’s hardly a shock. Colt, however, seems a bit more shaken. His eyes narrow, and I take in his face. 

I haven’t seen him since last year, when the Walkers beat him almost to death. He looks nearly the same, but everything is just a bit off, which is all the more disconcerting. It’s like looking at a life-sized doll version of Colt. His nose is just a little straighter, his jaw a little squarer, his teeth a little whiter. I’m not sure how to answer him, and before I can even try, he grabs me and drags me back into the apartment. “Preston!” he bellows, his voice booming through the sleek loft. Preston Darling. “Preston,” I whisper to myself, saying his name for the first time, trying it on. It fits. I’m less surprised than I was to find Colt here. I’ve had no indication that they’re still close, the way they were when they ran this town. For all I know, Colt’s the one on the receiving end of the videos, though. In truth, I don’t know much about Mr. D beyond what I can see. I’ve never really tried to figure out who my rescuer is. It didn’t matter. Maybe I always knew, I just didn’t think about it. Or maybe I only knew this morning, when he told me he was nineteen, but I hadn’t had a chance to think about it. I try to fit the name and what I know about it into my conception of Mr. D. I guess I don’t have to call him that anymore, just as he stopped being the Phantom when he became Mr. D. He was I needed him to be each step of the way, until I needed something else. He’s no longer a man behind a mask or a shadow behind a keyboard. Now he’s more real than ever, a man with a scarred face and a name and wounds that aren’t for me to know. The Phantom—Mr. D—Preston—steps out of the bedroom. “This is your girlfriend?” Colt demands, fury snapping his words through the space between them. “This is who you’re moving on with? Are you fucking suicidal?” Preston shrugs and strolls over to lean on the island, seemingly unaffected by Colt’s fury. “Could you really blame me, cuz?” I glance from one of them to the other, sensing the rage shimmering in the air between them like a mirage. 

For the first time in months, my curiosity is piqued. I stopped trying to figure people out, stopped even caring. Nothing mattered. I don’t know if this matters. But I’m interested, if only in a detached way, in where it leads. Colt stands there breathing hard, glaring at his cousin. “I don’t blame you, I blame them,” he says. “I blame them for everything, and you should too. When are you going to stop—this? Whatever this is. Self-destruction, suicidal tendencies, punishing yourself?” When I said he saved me, he said ditto. But I didn’t save him. I endangered him. Preston smirks, stretching out his arm and beginning to slowly roll up one sleeve. I’m captivated by his every movement, his every word. This man came inside me every Tuesday and Thursday night, every Wednesday and Friday morning, for months, and I never gave a single fuck. Now, it’s as if my brain is going into overdrive to compensate. He’s not the same man who sat on the barstools beside me and served me steak and asparagus, the one who dressed and undressed me like a ritual, the one who never took off his mask and was therefore a blank cutout of a person to me. He’s the Phantom, a man with a mask and a safe place for my body to rest while my soul is gone. He’s Mr. D, a man with a keyboard and a sick mind, digging for secrets and hoarding them like a dragon. He’s Preston Darling, a man whose house I destroyed, whose bed I destroyed when August made me cum so hard I drenched the mattress, whose leather jacket I stole.

 He’s alive and utterly fascinating. He has a family. A name. A face. He smirks and rages. Maybe, he even laughs. I want to devour his soul, dissect his brain, and study it under a microscope. “Trust me when I say that fucking Harper is the furthest thing from a punishment,” he says when he’s finished rolling his sleeve with painstaking care. “You know August claimed her,” Colt says, his voice low and fierce. Preston’s tone hardens. “He threw her away.” For a minute, there’s no sound, nothing but the inaudible crackle of tension in the air. “It doesn’t matter,” Colt says. “When they claim someone, it’s forever. There’s no way out.” “He said I was dead to him,” I say. I want to believe August’s done, that he’ll never speak to me again, that he’ll look right through me like I’m a ghost. But after he saw me outside my house, I’m not sure I believe that, no matter how hard I try. He followed me here, which means he wants something. If the torture isn’t over, what then? I’m not a Darling, a girl who can afford to check herself into a swanky resort-style mental facility to hide or blow out of town and legally change her name. 

There’s nowhere to hide for a girl like me. “You think I don’t know how they operate?” Preston asks, ignoring me. Colt glares. “He’ll take more than your eye if he finds out you messed with her.” His eye that never sees. It clicks into place then. It’s not blind. It’s prosthetic. “I didn’t mess with her,” Preston says, jerking his other sleeve straight. “I fucked her. Four times a week for months, and every day before that. I came inside her every delicious little hole, and I fucking loved it. What have you done this summer?” “You know what I did,” Colt growls, his hands balling into fists. Preston starts rolling that sleeve, his movements jerky and sharp now. “You gave them exactly what they wanted. You bent over. You play nice, but for what? They’ll kill us all, anyway.” “Not if you play along.” Preston scoffs. “How many nights did you spend in the hospital, getting how many surgeries, because of those assholes? How much time did you lose? Maybe it would’ve been worth it if you’d been lying there knowing what their girl’s cunt feels like  from the inside, with nothing between you but cum. That they could never undo what you got to do to her.” “You’re going to get yourself killed,” Colt says quietly. “I can’t watch you do this shit anymore.” “And what would you have me do?” Preston asks. “Get on my knees and suck their dicks like you? I’d rather fucking die.” “Those aren’t the only options.” “Aren’t they?” Preston finishes his sleeve and measures that they both stop at the thickest part of his forearm, golden tan with golden hairs glistening on them.

 “You could leave,” Colt says. “No fucking way,” Preston says, yanking the mask off his face and throwing it down on the counter. “This is our town, not theirs. Enough people in this family have run like dogs.” Colt sighs. “How long are you going to hold onto that delusion? Devlin didn’t run, and he’s not coming back to save us all. If he was coming back, he would have done it by now. He’s fucking dead. Accept it.” “Bullshit,” Preston snaps. “No one takes millions of dollars from their trust fund right before they commit suicide.” I perk up automatically because this is something I didn’t know. “He didn’t commit suicide,” Colt says, rubbing his forehead with his thumb, like this conversation gives him a headache. From the weariness in his voice, I get the feeling they’ve had this fight before, so many times they both know all their lines. “It was an accident. A tragic, shitty accident with bad timing. That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, no matter how many guys you pay off to keep quiet. 

You’re not letting them live a happy life. You’re wasting our money.” “I didn’t pay them off,” Preston says evenly. “I’m not the only one who thinks they’re alive.” “You control the money,” Colt says. “And enough with the conspiracy theories already. Yeah, out of the hundreds of people in our family, three of you think he’s alive. That doesn’t make it true. That makes y’all delusional.” “He said goodbye to us,” Preston says, looking incredulously at his cousin. “Dolly saw him, goddamn it. How can you honestly believe he’s dead?” “Because it doesn’t fucking matter,” Colt says, throwing up his hands. “Whether he’s dead or not, it doesn’t change anything. He’s not here. We’re here.” “And I’m not leaving,” Preston says. “They may have beaten us, but we’re not dead yet. We can still fight, if you’d stop being such a pussy.” “And you’re planning to fight them… How? By putting trackers on their cars and following them around? Fucking their girlfriends in secret? Or do you have some new plan you think is brilliant, but in the end, will amount to nothing more than a spiteful little prank?” Preston works his jaw back and forth. “I would have fucked their sister, but Devlin took off with her. So that leaves their girlfriends. Isn’t that what they did to us? It’s called revenge, cousin. Look it up sometime.” “Which of the things you’ve done is going to bring our family back?” They glare at each other for a second before Colt answers his own question. “None of them, that’s what. They’re not playing the same game we did, and they never were. It’s over, Preston. Accept that before it costs you your life.” Preston straightens, staring down his cousin until I stand from where I sank onto the arm of the grey sectional. “As enlightening as this has been,” I say. “I have to get to school.” They both ignore me. “If petty-ass revenges are all I get, I’ll fucking take ‘em,” Preston says. “I’ll take everything I can from them at every opportunity, whether they know it or not. I’ll know. And I’ll never stop.”

 I picture him sitting up here on his fancy computer, reading my salacious tales, collecting them into a file he will never use. He has so much on the Walkers, but he can’t do anything with it. He can’t go to the cops because they’re in the Walkers’ pockets. He won’t show his face in town, so he can’t get anyone else to follow or join him. He was never going to help me. He just has to feel like he hasn’t given up. I can respect that. The man’s got his pride, if nothing else. “I really do need to go,” I say again. “Take my truck,” Preston says, barely glancing at me. “Bring it back this time. And don’t leave it running in the garage.” I take the keys and head for the door. Somehow, it still surprises me when he does shit like this, like it’s nothing to let me borrow his fancy truck or pay my rent for six months. The last thing I hear before closing the door is Colt answering something Preston said with, “Fuck you. You don’t get to bring my sister into this. Your sister is still here.” So, I guess it wasn’t all for nothing. I saved Magnolia last spring, even if I couldn’t save myself.

 August’s POV

 I watch her from her windows, the shadow of this broken girl. The girl i loved, the girl I’ll always want, the same girl i let my brothers tear to shreds in that swamp and i just left her there, broken and crying, screaming and begging me to stop them, in truth i wanted to but the monster in me disagreed. He saw her as a plaything to dispose of once he was done.

So why was it that I found myself outside her windows every night watching her shadow and silhouette dance in the light of her home till she had long since fallen asleep after her nightly ritual. Why did I let myself in her home to watch her sleep, her breathing soft and shallow. 

The rational part of me tells me that this is wrong and that I should let her go, but the monster in me is unwilling to do so. He changed his mind after he saw her alive.. She wasnt that fiery version of herself that she used to be but she will be one day, i'll make sure of it.

Stamping the butt of my cigarette into the cold wet earth beneath my polished shoe, I watched her sit on the couch with a book in her hand, and that chubby tiger cat she curled  in her lap. I watched her, reading and scratching the cat's head, resting her head on her hand, she flipped the pages of her book, slowly dozing but waking herself each time. Till the final time when her head dropped, and the book fell from her lap. The cat sprinted away with the thud of the book on the floor. 

With a soft chuckle, I made my way to her front door and opened it slowly. Walking into the living room, to see her sleeping. The cat hissed at me from her spot on the stairs, I growled back and she ran up the stairs. I prowled into the living room watching her chest rise and fall at a steady pace. I tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and placed a soft kiss on her temple. She shudders softly, before murmuring in her sleep. “August” I paused and held my breath waiting to see if she would wake and she didn't. Grabbing her ankles I untucked them from underneath her and stretched her out on the couch. Pulling her down gently and placing a pillow behind her head. I picked her book up off the ground and placed it on the coffee table and. I sat across from her and watched her sleep. 

She was so peaceful. Guilt gnawed at my heart, with the thought the only time she has peace now is when she is sleeping. I stood from my spot and ran a knuckle down the side of her face before walking around the house and turning off all the lights except one in the kitchen. I sank back into darkness, hunkering down in my chair. Just waiting and watching for the other monsters that may come next.

[spearxwind]

not to sound weird but what was that work you put in to get where you are 🙏 i want to improve my life so bad but have no clue where to start. even a general gist of things

You dont sound weird! I think it's commendable to want to change your life for the better, and I want to help in any way I can :D

This is also my own perspective but I think a lot of it could be universally applied if you look at it through different lenses of ppls different situations. This also got rly long so I'm putting it under a readmore ^^;

So I had pretty much been isolating myself with increasing ferocity for years until recently. Even when trying to reach out to people I was extremely closed off, keeping my feelings behind many walls and chains always. A lot of my hard work has come from undoing all of that fuckup. I put all my eggs into my online friendships (and even then had a hard time with them).

My behavior was a cluster of personal garbage, learned mannerisms from keeping bad company, and hardwired reactions to specific behaviors. It's something pretty hurtful to realize when you do realize it, but that doesn't mean that you are a bad person or a failure or anything like that. It just means that you have certain bare minimum survival behaviors that worked before but now are only doing you damage, and you have to learn to undo them. (which is a great step!!)

Which brings me to what I have (painfully) learned over the past several years: the basis to any and every good relationship, romantic, platonic, family, or anything is crystal clear communication. Straight up for the love of god communication skills will save your life time and time and time again

And also like I said in earlier posts the solution to wanting to be more social is just BEING more social. This is arguably extremely hard, especially after years of "if they want me around they'll ask me" and always waiting to be invited but not wanting to bother anyone by asking if you can join NO!!!!!!!! GET THAT SHIT OUT OF YOUR BRAIN EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY!!!!! It really does NOT work that way at all. People will invite you to things if they see you express interest in them. The same way that in your head you think 'theyll invite me if they want me to go' if they dont see you express interest people will think you dont want to join. If you go someplace and just stay recluse because youre shy they likely will also think "theyre probably not comfortable or dont want to be here, so we wont force them". People are inherently kind and they are definitely NOT thinking about shunting you on purpose (and I am speaking this, genuinely, from personal experience)

While I was studying my major I got close to a group of people and thought of them as my friend group, but they always seemed cold to me, and I rarely got invited to hangouts because they seemed closer among themselves so I ended up always thinking that they didn't really want me around, and created all of these assumptions in my mind about them or what they thought of me.

Years later, recently, I found one of them again just... randomly while walking through the street and we started talking. And in my much better state of mind I asked about this whole thing because I wanted to know how the rest of the group was doing (I care very much for them still) and he revealed to me that THEY were the ones who thought I was shutting myself off of the group bc I didnt wanna be close to them. Which just blew my mind but it made a lot of sense and explained a lot. I was always on my phone too, talking with my internet friends (because it was my comfort zone), so what they'd assumed was that I already had a friend group that I was invested in and so I wasnt going to prioritize them. SO basically this whole thing ended up being resolved with clear communication and would have been solved much earlier if I had just spoken up about it and gotten braver (though my mental state did not let me at the time)

Anytime you are making up assumptions and ultimatums in your mind without communicating them to the other party you should stop and very much go and speak out loud to the other party (or parties) it will genuinely do you good cause huge as hell brain snowballs do nothing but drown you in your own mind.

Also on the being social front, if you dont have the practice in then it will be hard but a lot of it is very much "fake it till you make it" and I genuinely cannot recommend that enough. Inject yourself into conversations and places and act like yourself unapologetically because the secret isnt to craft a persona that you think people will like, its just being yourself and finding people who will love you for who you are. And like I said I just got invested in other ppls plans and asked to be able to go to places, and oftentimes just by expressing interest i got invited "oh I love this show very much!!" "well we have a plan to watch it at my pals house do you wanna come?" "we were planning on going to X place this week" "omg that sounds so cool can I come with" "of course!" Generally people will respond with "the more the merrier" so please dont be afraid to ask. And even if you get a rejection or two it's fine, don't let it discourage you. Some plans are simply not meant to be, and that's totally fine too!

Something else I worked for was reestablishing contact with old highschool friends I'd lost and I missed terribly. I went out of my way to find them again (old phone numbers, old emails, old instagram accounts that hadnt posted since 2019), and I found them!

And most of them really missed me too and were absolutely thrilled I contacted them again, we picked up right where we left off eight years prior. With a lot to catch up to but its genuinely so nice to have them in my life rather than just melancholically thinking about them and wondering if they hated me or anything. Turns out that they had also thought to contact me as well or had tried and lost my phone, or some of them even thought that it was better to leave things as they were to not "stir up shit" so we were all stuck in the same loop of insane thinking without actually confirming it until one of us (me in this case) finally broke the ice (and it took a damn long time too)

The thing is, people are just like you. We all have our own mental nonsense to fight, and we all have our assumptions and propensity to think ourselves into the grave, that's why its so so so so important to communicate things as clearly and as often as possible. Bearing your suffering alone will only make you miserable in the end, and your circle is there to help you

As a last note, I do want to say I have been incredibly lucky, because the friend group I've been adopted into I have met through that one friend from uni that I just HAPPENED to find on the street. I could have not waved him over on the street and just kept walking with my music on and ignored him. I could have said 'no' to his offer to get dinner that day if I'd wanted to be home earlier. I could have never spoken up about liking eurovision and never gotten invited to the hangout where I met my bf. And none of this would have ever happened at all. But that just strengthens my advice of "just say yes and reach out of your comfort zone" because you never know where it's going to lead you!

All this to say:

Communicate clearly with your peers to reduce misunderstandings. More likely than not they'll be in the same boat as you are. (Also extra note. Communication works BOTH WAYS. It needs to come from both parties. It is also a skill you have to nurture and hone!!)

Be kind!! and be loving!! and be yourself unapologetically!!

reach out to people the same way that you'd want to be reached out to. It sucks that sometimes (even often) you have to be the one to do it, but you eventually reap what you sow and people will learn that they can reach out to YOU

People will respond in kind to you being nice to them and a positive energy in their life. Some people will take advantage of it yes, thats just how things are, and its something you have to learn to recognize but you should never let that steel your heart. It is so so so important to remain kind and loving the world needs it so much. We're all out here trying to make our own lives and our loved ones lives a little bit brighter <3

[yourshoulderdemon]

Trigger warning: abuse, sh

my mom fucking makes a post with me tagged in it, saying im her sweet child, like she hasnt talked to me in over a month or fucking abused me most of my life, or kept me away from other kids growing up and isolating me from the rest of my family for years. i fucking hate having feelings, i want to fucking block her and go no contact with her, but it also fucking breaks my heart to do so, why must this be so fucking hard. why couldnt i have a good mom, why couldnt i have someone to actually love me growing, instead of the fucking hell i went thru. i know its not as bad as some people went thru, but ill never be normal. that shit fucked me up, ill never be okay. i want to just fucking leave that shit, but i cant. why must i still have a fucking contection to her. i want to be rid of this. i dont want to feel bad for leaving her behind when she never cared for me. leaving me for days by myself with barely any food, or forcing me to eat food i hated and would gag on. making me feel like none of my feelings or emotions mattered. making try to kill myself when iwas 9. a fucking 9 year old shouldnt have been fucking thinking about killing themself, they should have been out with their fucking friends. but i didnt have any friends. i wasnt fucking allowed to make fucking friends. i fucking hate all this shit. im just so tired. i hate my mom. but i know if i fucking block her it will fucking break my heart, even though i know she would just manuplate the situation to make her the victum. like when i started to cut, she made that all about her and didnt even care about why iwas doing it

[queerspaceprince]

super long post

i saw the tv glow spoilers, me being depressing, tw's in tags

i went to see I Saw the TV Glow this afternoon. i got it. def cried a little (idk if hrt has stopped me from crying more bc i havent cried since i was in hs anyway) my sib got it, tho we havent talked ab it yet bc im still processing even now. my mom did not get any of it. at all. wasnt affected. thats fine, whatever.

and. jesus. i give the movie a 15/10, but it was. a whole lot. i have too many emotions.

Im def gonna mention a few spoilers so if you dont want to be spoiled, is your warning.

it made me feel too much. is the allegory really allegory if the hidden meaning is right at the surface?

when owen says that thing during their convo on the bleachers -i cant remember the exact words fuck- something about feeling hollow or missing something or whatever, how he thinks something is wrong with him and his parents do to-i feel that. so much. i felt it so much more before my egg cracked, but i still feel it in relation to my depression and anxiety. that hit me.

there was also that part about feeling like you're watching yourself from the outside, as if through a tv. oof.

then the whole thing maddie said about how time didnt feel right, how nothing changed when she left. i get it. I was 10 nd my parents got divorced, and suddenly im 11 and thinking i wanted to d1e for the first time, and then im 14 in a kind of manipulative relationship, with like 1 friend and super depressed, and then i was graduating and realizing im queer and exploring my gender and going through a breakup. then im 20, and getting my first job, and coming out to my family. and now im 26. and i still mostly feel the same way i always have. i have more good days, and im more confident now, but i still feel like im just going through the motions a lot of the time.

when did I stop being a kid? ive been an adult for 8 years and Im still only working part time (32 hrs), still living with my mother bc rent is $$$$, still barely functional enough that I havent cleaned my room since last year and ive only showered 3 times in the past week, and i have to force myself to go get coffee on my days off or else ill stay in bed all day. Im just stuck here. i shouldve taken driving lessons when I could. id be out. except i cant leave my sibling behind with my mother. shes not awful, but them being alone is an explosion waiting to happen. but they dont have a job and i doubt i could support both of us. and now i dont trust my eyes enough, like i read for 15 minutes and everything else goes blurry, like im seeing triple.

anyway. next is the scene in where she talks about k1lling herself to get back to the pink opaque world. I. have to admit i nearly threw up. the imagery, the way she spoke about it. she said she regretted it while she was stuck underground, then how she felt good about it, about getting out....ive been sitting in a low spot for a while, it was better while we were on our trip, but it just reverted when we came back. i keep thinking im going to relapse into sh again. i feel so close to the edge sometimes. and theres really no reason for it either. my life is fine. not great, not perfect. but adequate. anyway i had to close my eyes and take a minute after that.

i feel that even without wanting to go back to the other world, maddie was suicidal. she wouldve found some reasoning to k1ll herself. Now ive only ever been actively su1cidal once, when i was 15 -or 16- idk my teen years are all a blur of depression and anxiety. im good now. well. i say good. im more, self destructive then really wanting to d1e. just. i feel so bad on the inside for no reason, why can i have a reason to hurt on the outside?? anyway, im ok now, im 3.5 years clean, i dont want that to change. im working on my coping mechanisms.

there was another quote from that planetarium scene that i couldnt stop thinking about but has now vanished from my mind entirely. bc sometimes getting my thoughts in order is like. catching smoke.

anyway. then everything after that. him growing old. knowing something about him is different but not wanting to acknowledge it or it would drastically his life as he knows it. I understand that feeling. except for me, its not exactly acknowledgement of myself, its doing something about it. while I didnt exactly stay in the closet long, that feeling of not wanting anything to change is why the closet exists. i realized i was queer in 2014, trans 2015. came out as bi that summer, but i didnt come out as trans until 3 years later. when I had a job. access to money if i ended up getting kicked onto the street. i literally had a bag packed and ready to go. and yet. even when i did come out, i was too afraid to correct my family on my pronouns or name for another year. my sibling really helped with that. immediately used them. Tbh theyre my fave person and id do anything they asked.

the whole thing about there still being time.

i see a lot of tiktoks about this. people watning to do stuff now bc there is still time to change your life or whatever. im interpreting it differently.

there is time now, but your hourglass will run low eventually. live while you still can, while you can still do something about it. how that message showed up after maddie left- their time together had run out, but he might still be able to do something. make a change. idk. but owen was too scared to do anything.

im still scared to do anything.

i still dont correct people on my name or pronouns if they get them wrong. i still dont speak up if my family says anything not pc (they are learning tho). im too scared to talk about any big feeling i have bc ive always been brushed off in the past and i dont want to feel worse becasue of it.

i still havent done anything to get my name or gender marker changed bc im scared. idk why. ive been living as a man for 6 years, i got top surgery almost 3 years ago, and ive been on hrt for nearly 2.

it terrifies me for some reason. maybe ts the complexity of it. ive found 3 different versions of the paperwork, and nowhere does it tell me exactly how or who to submit it too. one of those said i could submit online but it had to be printed, notarized, and scaned back into the computer? none of the other versions said it had to be notarized???

and i have nobody who has any knowlege that could help. my aunt worked for a lawyer for years, and yet she just said all I have to do is go to the dmv. like babe. no. thats not how that works.

i think ill start on that again.

while i still have time.

[master-of-fluff]

Bit of a rant

Istfg I just stepped in dog crap again because no one wants to train the dog or take it out long enough to crap or whatever it is that it needs and I'm so tired of it and so pissed both because of m poor sock and for the dog

Because I knew this would happen when my dumbass sister said she wanted a dog I freaking told my stupid parents not to get he damn dog.

she didn't take care of her rabbit and her guinea pigs so what in the hell made them think she'd take care of, train, and clean up after a dog?

Her? The same person who threw a crying screaming on the ground tantrum because my brother threw a damn 'party' in the same roblox server as her at the same time as her at fucking 11 years of age? The same intutled brat that throws a fit when asked to do any chores now at almost 13? And you thought this would be a good idea?

How can anyone be this stupid????

Oh and they wanna complain about her animal neglect now?

Where was this when she didnt wanna take care of the other pets anymore? Oh wait they probably didnt even notice because instead of being responsible parents and fixing the mistake of buying an animal for someone who wasnt ready for one like most parents would via taking the animal on as their own they just made their eldest, me, do it.

And i knew it was an especially bad idea since they didn't even bother to learn enough about those last three pets or this one, or any of our pets to know what they needed and then got sad when the dang rabbit and pigs died earlier then they should've even though i and my friend told them they need better cages and bedding but we were "just kids and they were adults so we didn't know better then them and what we were talking about" (wtf was my dad on when he said that he's literally never had a pet before cuz my grandma on that side is literally scared of animals)

And now that iv made it clear that I'm not going to be the one to do it again (I mean ofc ill take him out sometimes if asked I'm not gonna be cruel to the poor thing it didn't ask to be here anymore then I did but there's no way in fuck I'm gonna go out of my way to take care of it like I tried to with the others like iv been down this path quite a few times and I'm not going down it again) they have to deal with it and surprise, surprise! they like it just as much as raising their kids (barely tolerating it)

Istg I wanna give that dog to someone else that'll actually take care of it, hell even my sister wants to give it to someone that'll do a better job but my mom is like

"no we take time care of him fine and the toddlers are too attached to teddy it would hurt them" it'll hurt even more when we're all in the hospital for breathing in too much dog poop bacteria that's probably permanently imbedded into the carpet and then animal services or whatever take him by force since no one but me actually cleans it up and only if its in my room or a communal space like seriously I'm not cleaning it up if its in my brothers room istg that is as much my responsibility as the dog itself is my responsibility.

he should keep his door closed since he's lucky enough to both not have the dog's cage in his room and also have a door.

And you know what else? The easiest solution would be to fix the backyard fence and put in a doggy door - with a lock to keep the raccoons out ofc - but fat chance my dads gonna fix the fence or ask any of our family to do so, like literally you just have to fix the 2 gates not even the whole fence but that's apparently too hard so ig I'll have to figure that out myself after getting a job or whatever ffs

[kieairakitty]

June 8th - Frustration

Frustrated is my feeling for the day.

I am disappointed that Daddy and Sissy have pretty much given up on quitting smoking already. I am frustrated that Sissy constantly doesn’t follow the rules, I feel like I am the one that is being the Domme but I am having to do it through Daddy.

I have been questioned myself a lot lately. Perhaps I am not a submissive, perhaps I am a switch. Should I let loose my Mistress side? Domme Lea but be dommed by Daddy? How would I even bring that up, and how would that dynamic even work? (side note - because I feel like I want sissy and daddy to read this - this is nothing set I just need to get my thoughts out of my head)

I feel like I could be a Mistress again (I used to do it all the time in RP) Anarane was a Switch, she dommed many people, but only the truly strong males could dom her ... and it was pretty hot. Their hand wrapping around her throat and forcing her to submit .... mmph.... just remembering it makes me tingle.

(Might have to make a seperate post for Daddy and Sissy to read and leave out the trip down memory lane lol)

I am also frustrated because I feel like Daddy needs to be a stronger dom, but Im not sure if he can be. He is a sweet, soft, caring Daddy - which don’t get me wrong I love - but sometimes I want more, and sometimes I feel like Lea needs more. I don’t want to force Daddy into being something he is not. So I have also contemplated perhaps seeking out another more Dominate Dom to join our family .... not that I ever would without talking to everyone first, but it is a thought that crosses my mind quite often.

I havent been feeling very little lately, and I miss having my little days ... that is something I dont ever want to give up, but if Im going to have to take control and be the one who decides on discipline, pain or pleasure, then lets just do that.

For starters, I’d limit them both to 4 smokes a day and if they use them all up early. Too bad, deal with it until the next day and try to ration it better. Or I’d st certain times, you get one when you wake up. One more around lunch, one in the afternoon and one after dinner. Not only would it help their health, it would save us all money - which we are all rather short on. It makes me feel guilty about going out for dinner, when I know were struggling and going to be out of money again come Monday and just barely hanging on until my payday.

As it is, I did a cash advance for Ottawa, paid it back then borrowed again because I didnt have any cash left. And will probably have to do it again this pay. Hoping come the first when I get my double pay I can pay it off and then leave it alone.

Sissy is even worse off, she’s living off her overdraft, which is causing friction in her and Kirstens relationship, and I was rather annoyed when Daddy said she could buy some toys at Walmart. Managed to convince her to buy something that was more useful and less money at least, but she was rather mad when I took her toys and said not unless daddy says .... and then he goes and says yes.

I feel like I have to remind him to check in on Sissy, to make sure she’s wearing her glasses, or drinking water (which I dont think she has done in days) yet he doesnt really check in with me and there is no one to remind him that I need help too. 

Perhaps our dynamic should shift. I need a Master, I would then be a MIstress to Lea ... but would still be Daddys girl and Sissy would be daddys brat. I dunno, Im just trying to figure everything out.

Im also frustrated with the pets. I hate that Loki is always in my face. His humping the bed bothers me as does his gross penis. I dunno it just makes me uncomfortable. I am not a dog person by any means, and Id never ask sissy to give up her dog, I hate that Boba and Loki dont get along, but I also like that hes not in the living room and constantly in my face. I feel like if he was, I’d end up sequestering myself to the bedroom a lot, just to be away from him and with my kitties. Dogs are fun once in a while, but Im not a huge fan of living with one. *This part I would never tell Lea though, as I know it would really upset her*

I am worried about when Kirsten comes to live here. The way Lea gets annoyed with her antics makes me upset, I still feel a bit awkward and uncomfortable around her, especially when we are alone. And even on the Ottawa trip I foud myself saying “Shut up” In my head when she would start going on about certain things, and just wanting to get away from her. She tries to get it on the play time and it seems to only bother Lea, which in turn bothers me, but also makes me feel bad that Kirsten is often left out. 

I love Lea, and I love having her here, but every once in a while I wonder .... did we jump into this too fast? If it was just Lea, no dog, no Kirsten, I feel like things would be fine - we could just deal with the Dominance issue, but it’s not and I need to find a way to deal with everything all at once.

*Slight side note - Im annoyed that Sissy stays up all night and then naps all day. I again feel like this is something Daddy needs to address as her Dom, but I get tired of being the one to have to point these things out.

Think I got enough off my mind to have a nap before I have to go to my doctors appointment - another thing that annoys me - why am I always the one that has to sleep on the couch? I was looking forward to having the bed to myself for a bit after Daddy left for work but she came in right away and I was frustrated so I ended up just getting up - took care of my cats and her dog because of course she went to bed late so shes sleeping through his whining. I think this family really needs to figure out a routine.

[cybernightwanderer]

My life was over before i was even born.

I haven't popped up here in a long time... Not because i didnt " need to vent " but more like, i hit a point where i was/am so alone, even the ghosts in tumblr won't be here. I know im alone, i know i don't have anyone in this world, a hand to reach out and save me from this hell, no one that loves me...i mean if my own parents didnt love me, who the fuck could. Im so exausted from " living "... So so exausted,,, I keep asking myself " what am i doing here? why am i here? i need to die"... Im basicly just waiting to die..no will to live, no personality, no likes, no dislikes, no goals, no wishes, no dreams, no one that wll remenber me, or wish i was there...just nightmares and memories of all the painfull and reocurring memories, over and over again, showing me that i shouldnt be here.. My lonelyness is so deep that i revisit my past just to have a glimpse of someone else but me.. I need to die...heck! i shouldnt even have been born...i was/am here just to serve a mother who didnt want to raise her kids alone, i was here to cater to the men in my family, i was brought here to be a slave and punished for all the women who suffered in my family. It's been 3 years and 4 months now, since my last job...this last job i suffered some " mild " sexual harrassement, and i say mild, because in comparison, nobody tried to rape this time, nobody beat me up... But i was saotaged, exploited, yelled at, humiliated, threatned, overall bullied, i tried to defend myself " dont talk to me that way " , i took photos , proof of the exploitation and abuse, of the sabotages, i hired a lawyer, i did everything right this time, i tried to protect myself at all costs... and that cost me the rest of my savings, my honor, even the lawyer scammed me and got away with my money... If that is not proof that i shouldve died along time ago then i dont know what.... I am unemployed, traumatized, my body is weak, my mind is fucking week...and nobody will hire me because of my looks, and my speech... 3 years going on 4 ...I will eventually be on the streets.

I keep questioning my reality more than ever...am i really a hardworking person? i tought i was...or maybe i was just workaholic to escape my mother, the pain she caused me, the slaving away and the mothering i was forced to my own brother... I am dumb, i am not assertive, i smile too much when i dont know what to say and when im embarrassed wich is anytime i talk to anyone, i am not pretty, i am too ugly for the customer to look at, my hair look dirty because its all cracked from the stress, my teeth are crooked, missing, yellowish, my body is bigger than my head, i have become overweight, even tho there are days i dont even eat, because my will to die is stronger... Is it the tattoos??? but its so common now to see workers with tattoos, even those with direct contact with a client, at the supermarket, at the post ofice, at the doctors, even piercings... So it's def not the tattoos or the piercings... Nobody hires me because of the way i look, of the way i talk.. and more specificly because of 3 years unemplyed... My ptsd caused me to be on auto pilot, hiding away from the sexual assault and the constant abuse...slowly i wake up here and there... and it's too late...it has become worse. What does one do when they cant even get a job? i dont wanna be homeless, i dont want to be raped, attacked, i ... I suffered too much, i've suffered enough in my lifetime...when does it end?? why does it keep getting worse and more painfull??WHY? the pain is too much i can barely breath, but not enough to kill me...what a miserable life..

[dreamingofsundreams]

things were different after Salem and I'm not sure why. I got back monday night and have been feeling like a weight has been off ever since. I'm sure it was a lot of things.. the feeling of coming home after wanting to not be there, the feeling of relief when I left and didn't have to put on an act or feel left out, feel like I didnt entirely belong in that group. the relief of knowing that after this trip, I can actually be free. the two opened snapchat were not an accident, and its so funny to me to actually type that out at the grown age of 25. because that is what these "friends" were, just... not for me. I had been outgrowing them for some time now. I just always felt so out of place with them. for so so so many reasons. walking on eggshells, boundaries being crossed, feeling like they were always talking about me bc well they definitely were, feeling like they never stood up for me, that no matter what I was always looked at as the underdog; the bad guy. the sam situation, the Luke situation not only kiera helping him but when Luke verbally accosted me kiera didnt bat an eye. gina being a bitch in general. it was just disrespectful. it was so normalized with them and I just dont want that in a friendship. the quick to anger, when I was trying to help her find the car the "oh my god never mind" like idk, it is just so normalized in their friendship and I just do not want it for myself. if thats how you are when youre comfortable with someone then I do not want you to be comfortable with me. I outgrew these girls a long time ago. and now we all feel it and its good.. its a little sad but damn is it a weight off my chest.

for so long I was so tied to them, felt like I couldn't speak up, felt like I couldn't be with them one on one, felt like they just didnt really like me. I tied so much of myself within these people and was so in my comfort zone with them for years and years. I didnt want to be friends with anyone else. I had them!

truth: I am embarrassed that I cant really keep a friend and especially as an adult it gets harder and harder. most people my age are going through the same thing. but I just cant force these friendships just to say I have these long life friends. most people judge women who dont have lots of close friends. and I get it, some women w no friends it makes sense why they dont have any. but damn I am trying. I want to be a better friend. cue to gina quickly saying "not at all" when Trina asked if we were similar. I wish I had it in myself to shoot back and say wym? why were u so quick to say that? and for the longest time these girls have made me feel so small and awkward and small. and after Salem I knew it was finally time to let go. I dont want to text them. I dont want to keep the friendship going, not how it was. removing Gigi was a great decision because it was a catalyst to me and kiera drifting apart. Salem & the wedding was a good decision to go to because it was a catalyst to me and gina drifting apart. oh and youre welcome for paying you for the hotel I didnt stay in but you getting an attitude when I asked you to help me pay for the parking garage. oh and let me not forget how kiera treated my birthday gifts. when she barely spends a penny on mine. and how can I forget how uncomfortable her family makes me feel and how she would throw me under the bus any chance she got about anything. and how she never stood up for me when her gf were cunts to me which btw, its obvious you talk shit about me to them which is why they already have a predisposed narrative of me which allows them to be comfortable to be rude to me. please dont ever think I never noticed. I may or may not get to say any of this to them. I know I hold onto unsaid shit so I might regret not saying it. but what could I even say? that I feel like they haven't been good friends to me/dont like me?

I just cant do it. and now Ginas having a baby and I wish I knew how to be a friend for her to say yes you are similar. I wish I could be a better friend. person. not get angry. and leave people with the impression that I am mean or bitter. because when I go home I dont talk badly on people unless im mad llol. I wish I got out while I could. oh the places I would be. but these friendships taught me a lot, they taught me to be a better friend, taught me to speak up for myself and never let anyone especially a friend make me feel small, taught me what I dont want in friendships, taught me that there are people out there who will genuinely love me. here is to the beginning of the end of a long, tired journey. thank u.

adding: and when your friend says they are depressed and actively looking for a psychiatrist, maybe dont be a bitch to them.

"I had a vivid dream about u guys talking shit on me" "hell yeah its true" "probably is fake ass bitches"

responding to every single person but me on her wedding picture

[forestfrendzz]

There was a time in my life where early mornings always sounded like slow rhythmic guitars and sweet cold air. Or when December days after school sounded like snow crunching beneath my feet and smelt like the burning of thc in between my finger tips. Now days winter time and the ocean and the color blue are all the same and I hate them all the same. 

Recently the mornings have felt like waking up at 5 AM expecting to see your name on my phone. Sometimes when I hear my ringtone in the morning I can’t help but hope that it’ll be your name I see on my screen. 

I grew up in a small town in southern utah, so I was always around southern accents talkin about weekend bonfires or about how my best friends moms husbands sleeping around. My friends family in particular would always invite me over for the holidays and their southern spirits always shone bright during those times. Especially when they would start talking about hunting. I Can still remember the sound of my friends aunt telling her “bless your heart”. I never knew what that actually meant until much later in my life. 

Then I met a man who was 1500 miles away from me who I couldn’t help but feel like you came from where I came from. The connection was instantaneous. I didn’t have to pretend. I didn’t have to force. But I knew that the distance in between us was ever so growing wider and wider, even when it felt like we got closer and closer. 

The truth of the matter is that I invested way too much of myself into someone who I had never met in person before. But I didn’t care. Because I thought that if I spoke sincerely then you would hear me. See me. Understand me. Maybe I was delusional for thinking we could take our relationship any further than we did. 

Hearing you laugh brought me a kind of satisfaction that I can’t find the words to describe. All I knew was that I loved it. all I knew in those moments was that I never wanted to stop hearing you laugh. 

The thought of you comes to me every morning and every night and in the middle of service at 7 pm every day at work when I look out the window and the golden sunlight is pouring through all the windows. I wish it wasn’t that way. I wish I could erase you from my memory because at this point they are painful to remember. 

I wish there was a combination of words I could put together to truly describe how much you have hurt me but you will never understand because I think in your mind I didn’t matter to you nearly as much. Maybe I was just an option. I wish there was a way for me to tell you that I hope that the realization of who I am and what it was that you meant to me really hit you one day without sounding spiteful. But maybe I am. I’m not sure. I hope you remember that I always have cared for you even when it was at my expense to do so. And I’m not sure why I feel so profoundly about someone I barely talked to and then got ghosted by and I know I sound crazy but I didnt care because I knew how I felt at the time. 

Anyways, there was never a need to pretend with me I just wish you would have been sincere with me. I wish that you would have just told me directly and honestly how you felt instead of abruptly withdrawing from me and not talking to me for the longest time and then one morning reappearing out of nowhere asking for a moment if my time and then re disappearing once again. You have hurt me to the very max and I will never forget you for it. 

I hope you find something so beautiful for you because you deserve it. I still pray for you and I hope you don’t mind it. It’s unfortunate that you didn’t feel the same way about me but it’s life and I’ll be fine. Thanks for the experience.

[scarlethallow160]

why tf do one bedroom apartments have to be so expensive (this is a huge vent dump pls avert your gazes)

my roommate keeps inviting people to our apartment without fucking telling me (or waiting til the LAST possible second to do so) even tho i’ve said time and time again i hate when people do that especially cuz he has a bad habit of doing that when we have plans where he just invites other people (esp people i barely know or dont know at all) without telling me or anyone else that was already involved. its even more aggravating cuz when this is brought up he acts like he makes sure to avoid this and he fucking doesnt like when i lived with an old friend and an ex-friend, him and our other friend invited someone to our place (so they invited a stranger to a place they did not live at) and none of them fucking told me until i was literally about to walk inside after work and like am i crazy or do people not see how rude that is?? like dawg thats my fucking home U GOTTA TELL ME WHEN PEOPLE THAT DO NOT LIVE THERE ARE GOING TO BE THERE

and if ur going to force me to interact with strangers have the decency to introduce us???? once we went to meet with some friends (not rly but i’d met them before) and ig one of their sisters was there and they just. didnt introduce us to each other? and we were on opposite ends of the table so its not like we could really interact either? and they did this when we got invited to another friends bday thing where someone i’d never been introduced to was there and they didnt fuckin introduce us and i was anxious cuz i was sitting across from her and finally had to be like “oh hi are u x? i’m so-and-so” like jesus christ is this not common sense for people? why are yall okay with forcing complete strangers to hangout

and with work today i was so overstimulated and got more and more aggravated by this cuz like i dont want to have to move every year and one bedrooms are so expensive rn but im so fucking tired of going thru this. not to mention we dont have a ceiling fan in our living room so he turns down the ac rly low when people are over so it jacks up our ac bill so it makes me even More anxious cuz him inviting people over = social anxiety for me and general anxiousness knowing our bill is going to be higher

i was so aggravated by this i ended up skipping out on plans we had today cuz my roommate also talks about himself. a lot. and we were out with friends like yesterday night or smthing and he kept going on and on about some guys he’s talking to on a dating app and i knew that would just make me angrier and idk it kinda sucked that one of my other friends involved thought i felt i was rly close with didnt seem to gaf either that i abruptly dropped out and theres obviously something wrong with me mental health-wise cuz i have this really bizarre self-sabotaging tendency when my mood severely dips where i convince myself no one cares or everyone hates me and think of this dark scenarios and just kind of start spiraling

and with my anger issues i go thru this weird loop of understanding a lot of my emotional/temperamental and communication issues stems from my fucked up family cuz my mom is super vain/self-absorbed and never thinks she can be wrong and basically my sisters are the same so i keep things bottled up and end up getting REALLY angry with no healthy outlet until i reach a breaking point and im just not great with communicating how i rly feel either cuz talking to my family was like talking to a brick wall and my older sister would literally cut me off constantly telling me to shut up so i rarely communicate things beyond like....joking around and stuff so i tend to vent/trauma dump into the void on social media lmfao which is obviously not healthy at all either but like......yeah it also sucks when i start spiraling and thinking back on this shit that i’ll never get closure from the longterm issues i developed from my family cuz now they want to act like we’re this tight-knit super close family that always got along and even if i were to ever bring this shit up they’d just point fingers or deny doing anything wrong.

 idk like its nice having a group of friends i can hangout with and stuff irl but also i feel like i cant ever really talk to them about anything like this that im going thru cuz i also feel super uncomfortable thinking i might be making things about myself (and honestly i do hate when people trauma-dump on me completely out of nowhere so i also want to avoid doing that)

also whats stopping me about addressing these issues with my roommate is cuz he has a tendency to victimize himself and thinking hes just being attacked? like he’s also super self-deprecating All the time which is also extremely exhausting to deal with constantly and it pisses me off that with our other friend/my old roommate, my current roommate kisses his ass and listened to him when he told him these issues of him being too self-deprecating etc. but ik if anyone else did he would just feel sorry for himself

im tired of this

[raspberrybluejeans]

given the birth of a second hyperfixation in this new era of mine i decided to try and think of all of the ones i’ve had before lol. long ass post under the cut

I don’t know the exact order of some of these things but roughly, and mostly categorized by what school I was in at the time because its easier to remember where I was spending my time thinking about these lol:

Robin Hood. (just elementary school I think) Just in general. Consumed anything I could find about him. Somehow believed I was his descendent 💀 I actually visited Sherwood forest and I can’t remember if this Started the madness or if I was already starting lol

Warriors (elementary and I think going into middle school a bit too) The king. the big one. It was my fucking lifestyle. Believed I was a cat in a human body. I had my dad preorder the books as they came out, they’d come in the mail and I’d read the whole thing in a day. I literally prayed to StarClan. I prosthelytized these books to anyone who would listen. I still proudly display the books in my room they are a part of my soul even if I barely remember particular events of them anymore lol

Fushigi Yugi (middle school I think) I don't know how tf I found this anime and I've never heard of anyone else talk about it before. I don't even remember what it was really about anymore. But I know I was making OCs and drawing fanart and had books of notes and little fanfiction things that I never shared with anyone lol. I vaguely remember that this show actually had a trans character, though its anime so of course it wasn't done particularly respectfully lmao. But I think its part of why it stuck with me so much at this time that my gender was starting to trans lmfao. (All i remember is the protagonist was going to get the ability to grant wishes at some point, and one character who was mostly seemingly male asked if she would use her wish to term him(?) into a woman)

His Dark Materials (middle school) I ate these books up and I liked The Golden Compass movie too, but definitely not as much as the books. I made myself a daemon and I am so sad to say I don't remember his name anymore. At the time I was still identifying as female so the daemon was a male lol. I think I had decided his settled form would be a Jaguarundi even though I was still a kid lmfao. I remember gently forcing my friends to make daemons for themselves too lol

Hetalia (middle school. pretty sure the hyperfixation was about done before starting high school) I don't know that I want to share much details about these dark times but I was so insane 💀

Star Trek (high school) I watched The Original Series when I was younger with my dad and I loved it but didnt particularly hyperfixate until high school, where I started also watching The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager. Loved them all so much. Made OCs, fanart, etc. For some reason I never really got into shipping with Star Trek though. I've always said they feel like my family members so it feels wrong LOL. I do ship Spock and Kirk and stuff but it took me awhile to get into seeing actual ship fanart because it felt like seeing your parents kiss or something 😂 I remember I would draw little star trek things and look up lore and I'd talk about the different species and stuff to anyone who would listen lol

SuperWhoLock (high school) I sort of fixated on each of these more at random times, though I'm pretty sure that Doctor Who was the strongest interest of the three? I think I did cosplay stuff for all of them, fanart stuff for all of them. Read so much Sherlock fanfiction it makes me sick to think about now

Homestuck (high school) pain. OCs, fanart, cosplaying, everything. Parodies of real songs made to be about homestuck filled my song library. Madness

Marvel (high school and slowly tapered off into the medicated years lol) MCU, Xmen, comics, everything. I watched all the movies religiously and I had a subscription to the marvel comics app where you could read most of the comics or whatever. I LOVED The Young Avengers and I was sad that they never really made a movie or show for them, but I'm sorta glad they havent now. They would have fucked them up. I also loved the XMen First Class movie and was obsessed with Cherik. And I ate up all the MCU crap, I loved Thor and Jane. I just watched Thor: Love and Thunder which was my first MCU movie in quite awhile and the Thor and Jane stuff in it was kind of cathartic tbh

And then I was medicated 💀 The medication was good in some ways, but it seriously deadened all of my emotions. I just did not deeply care about anything or anyone and thought that was just part of maturing. The MCU movies getting worse and worse until they were unwatchable kind of crushed me and the urge to be interested in anything as well. The closest thing I had to big interests in this time was weirdly enough all games: Pokemon Go, Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp, and Minecraft. Not full obsession but they took up most of my free time. But I sort of realized that most of my zest for life died around the time I started taking the medication. And the main reason that I stopped taking it was that when I forgot to take it the detox symptoms or whatever were so violent and it literally would make me sick for days just from forgetting ONE day. So I decided to stop taking them (I weaned off them slowly) and have mostly not regretted that decision. Now I get the thrill of hyperfixations again, which feel even more exciting after being numb for so long lmao

Our Flag Means Death. Obsessed obsessed obsessed. I think I may have read more fanfiction for these ten bitch ass little episodes than anything else before. I made the sideblog to allow myself to go full balls to the wall without flooding my main lmfao. I loved being a part of this fandom as it was born and it has been so much fun. I joined a discord server for this show and I love talking to them. Even though the hyperfixation has faded I still adore this show and I am SO happy there's going to be a season 2, I can't wait, and I hope the hyperfixation sparks up again when it comes out. I can't wait to tear apart every little detail again.

The Magnus Archives. This shit hit me out of left field. I was sad from my OFMD era being burned out and I was tired of all of my music and I decided to listen to this just for something to do. This shit grabbed me by the gooch and swung me around the room. I listened completely blind I had no idea what was going to happen at all and I am just fucking losing my shit. That ending literally has me eating drywall. And since it ended like over a year ago pretty much everyone else is over it now and I have no one to talk to and I'm losing my mind. Help. Help.

Notable shoutouts for things I really loved/love but they never fully manifested into like. obsession (at least they haven’t yet lol)

Animal Ark (elementary) I just ate up these books I read so many but didnt quite have enough lore to obsess over lmao

Animorphs (elementary/middle) not sure why this didnt really manifest into obsession. i own all of the books though, and still display them lol

Several random animes I no longer remember. (middle) There was some period where I'd watch any anime/read any manga I could get my hands on and have a brief little moment with that lol

Merlin (high school) loved it but alas. no insanity

Teen Wolf (high school) even closer to hyperfixation but not quite

In The Flesh (high school) I think this one almost could have been considered a hyperfixation but I got into it like. basically right when it got cancelled and it just SHATTERED my heart I did not recover for years I still live in terror from that

Welcome To Nightvale (high school) So I was MAINLY obsessed with the fact that the protagonist was gay and less so with the actual plot lol. I did cosplay for this though, I was even Cecil for Halloween one year. I want to restart listening to this soon, to give it another chance, since I have a new appreciation for spooky shit. Once my TMA era has faded lmfao.

Ice Planet Barbarians Series (I think I was reading these right around the time I stopped taking meds lol) I started reading the first one as a joke because it has a funny name and funny cover but I actually loved it. I loved the world and the lore and everything. It frustrated me in the end though because a) each book got too formulaic. Every book was a brand new couple. Girl I want to hear more about the established couples and their families and shit. and b) because gay stuff was almost impossible given the way things worked in this series lol. Anyways close but no cigar. I read at least 20 of those fuckin books tho

Howl's Moving Castle book series (Post Medication Modern Era) I fucking adored these books, they were so easy to read and the world was so delightful and funny. I wish there was more. But there was not enough lore or community for me to hyperfixate

The Hobbit & Lord of the Rings books (PMME) Fucking incredible even if they were very hard to read. I'm almost certain I would have had a full LOTR era if OFMD had not hit me like a train. So maybe this will happen eventually but I think I've been enjoying it The Normal Amount for a longer amount of time instead lol. I did also have sort of a mini era back in high school or something over The Hobbit movies but now that I've read the books those leave sort of a bad taste in my mouth lol

Black Sails (PMME) I was still too obsessed with OFMD when I watched this lol. This show was so good and had I seen it before OFMD I might have gone super crazy for it. I still think it was such a good story though.

Theres a good chance that I'm forgetting some stuff here but oh well lmfao. If you actually read all of this I give you a kiss on the lips

[bloodycassian]

** PT 2 Azriel x reader - enemies to acquaintances PT 2. ** - reader gets a backstory, they clear another enemy camp together and bond more. Azriel apologizes. 

Slight TW for violence/domestic abuse mention. Trying to keep reader as genderless as possible but sometimes I inherently switch to using woman POVs- asks still very open ;)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

"It seems I owe you an apology." Rhys began, pacing at the end of the makeshift bed the healers had set up for you. Your stomach rolled with nerves. His tone was not genuine, and you could feel the tension rolling off him in waves. The healers buzzing nearby suddenly found different things to do.

 Azriel and Cassian stood at the edge of the canopy, the drizzle of rain making their armor shine. "Azriel informed me of your injury- I'm impressed with your bravery." He smiled, his dark eyes making him look like a snake. 

You glanced to the shadowmaster, who nodded the slightest amount. "Did you receive my message from him?" You asked, and when he had a genuine wide grin - showing almost too many teeth - it gave you chills.

"I did in fact. I wish the same to you." He said with that deadly calm. Cassian tried to hide his laugh, Azriel remained stonefaced. "Let's take this to the war tent. Whenever you are...suitable." he glanced to your wing, still stained with crusted dry blood. 

You felt your cheeks heat slightly, and nodded. He strode out from the healers canopy and into the rain without a look back. The generals followed him, Azriel glancing back to you only for a second. 

+

Once you had mustered the strength to get out of the cot, you thanked your healers. They insisted on giving you healing potions before you departed. And tried to get you to promise to come back for a check in daily. Mobility tests, stretches and strength building. You gave them loose affirmations and took the potions without putting up too much of a fight, given that the wing still ached slightly. Two days of rest had done a lot for the healing process, but it would take at least a week before it was fully healed. 

The short walk to the war tent was cold as the mist of rain poured down. Many of the soldiers were inside or drunkenly asleep in the mud. Sitting around and waiting was not an ideal situation with a thousand males ready to fight all around. 

You pushed open the tent, shaking out your jacket on the pelt rug. Earning a scowl from the high lord, seated at the head of the table again. "This one tells me you were a sight to see in the skirmish." He said, gesturing to the shadow master. 

You glanced to Azriel, his face was blank but his cheeks had gone a duskier shade of brown. "But maybe I took that the wrong way, and what he meant was that you were a disaster, considering someone managed to put a hole in to your wing." He laced his fingers together in front of him. You curled your lip at him, ready to tell him to get his ass out there and do it himself then. 

Before you could, Azriel turned to the high lord, opening his mouth to protest but he was quickly silenced by Rhysand's dagger like eyes. The shadowmaster pressed his full lips together tightly. Looked to his feet, as if in shame. It made your head thrum with adrenaline filled rage. Rhysand - the most powerful high lord in history - coudlnt get off his ass to take care of some second class Attors himself? Perfect. Just your luck. Being hired out like the hundreds of your kind before you, only it was worse because you weren’t even getting any gold from it.

"We now have a bigger force than originally planned coming directly at us." He said softly, a dark wind organizing enemy pawns on the table to show where they spread out. how they had your forces stuck against a wall of mountains.

 "Because you were brave enough to somehow miss the group of Attors flying away..." He glared those snake eyes at Azriel again, then Rhys let out a bitter laugh. He was upset, understandably so. You could admit that. But it wasn't your fault he decided not to believe you in the first place. 

You glanced to Azriel. His face was grave as his high lord tore into both of you with a tone of a disappointed parent. Like your parent. The thought of your father made your jaw clench, your teeth grind together as you fought to not begin screaming at Rhysand.

"The two of you will see to it that this is taken care of." He took a breath, gesturing to the pawns on the table. "There is a ravine to the west of here-" His dark gifts had the pawns lifting in the air. A fist of fear clenched your stomach. You had forgotten just HOW powerful he was.

"If you cut off the bridges their advancement will be paralyzed. We then may be able to regroup and massacre our way through this group here-" He pointed to the north, a smaller force lay there. Without the flanking force able to be a threat behind you it would work. Your strategist mind flushed out the plan.

 "I expect you both to fix this - as you both caused this issue. I want it done before dawn comes." The pawns he held in the air turned to dust on the table, making a neat pile before the dark lines that indicated the ravine. Hitting his point home, in a non subtle way you supposed. Arrogant cock of a high lord.

"It will work, Rhys." Cassian said softly. He glanced to Azriel. His eyes were pinned to your wing. Your stomach flipped, you glared at Rhys. Before you could call out his plans' faults - or how terribly he was treating you and your considerable 200 units in his army- you saw Cassian shaking his head slightly at you. He rested a hand on Rhys' shoulder. The gesture stood out. The cocky high lord had a sensitive side, perhaps. Your lip curled at the thought.

As if sensing your disgust with him, Rhysand's lip curled "Now get out." He said, voice low and gravely. Cassian gestured for you and Azriel to follow him out. Rhysand reminded you so much of your own father it made you want to spit. A territorial, abusive cock without enough dignity to spare your family name.

You took a deep breath of cold air, hoping to clear your mind. It did little to shake the tension in your shoulders, or the stiffness in your jaw. Making a mental checklist of the weapons you needed to bring, you noticed Azriel following you. Or seeming to.

The shadow singer stalked past your tent, going to the west where the bridges were. "What are you doing?" You asked, jogging to catch up with him. He was already fording through the tall shrubs and grasses by the time you caught up. 

"Taking care of it. I can fix it myself." He growled. You tried to keep up with him, but the jostling was upsetting your injury. 

You put a hand on his shoulder, "Wait, hey." He shrugged you off, scoffing to himself. "I should have gone alone in the first place. I dont understand why he had to send you." He muttered, stalking deeper into the forest. The rain didn't reach you here, under the darkening shadows and mist.

Rage erupted inside you at his words - and you called out the only thing you could think of that might stop him. If he wanted to fight he could damn well stop and have an actual fight with you. "I guess you are just like all the other Illyrians after all." Your blood rushed in your ears, seeming to dampen the sound of everything. The dull hiss of the rain hitting the trees above was barely audible. 

He stood rigid, wings flaring over his shoulders, growing larger with the shadows writing around them. "Do you even have a clue what real Illyrians would do to you right now if you were talking to them like this? What a normal male would do?" He was close. Too close for comfort. Too close to not be fighting or fucking. 

"Considering my father was a very real Illyrian, yes" He stuttered at that. You'd never seen him do such a thing. It would have been funny if that angry set of his features didnt come back. You were ready for more fighting, more yelling but his face went slack, and his eyes met yours finally. They were no longer the cold dark color like in the tent with Rhysand. They were a hazel that matches the warm colors of pine bark in summer. Your heart clenched at the sight of it.

"You're like the Peacemakers, then." He muttered, referencing the old tales of mighty warriors with mixed breeding. Unfortunately a lot of that breeding was not willing. It usually never was, and it had ruined two generations of Illyrian and Peregyn pairings. "Axios was always my favorite." He smiled at the memory. You bit your lip, remembering the true stories of each hero. Not the bastardized verisons peddled throughout the realm.

The offspring became ostracized and cast out of most communities. On Prythian and on the continent. The ones who survived long enough to become trainable though were given the name Peacemakers for a reason. Known for hired bloodletting, no questions asked. 

"I hope your end is not met like theirs." He seemed to shudder at the thought. All the anger boiled out of you at his concern. 

You felt the shame begin to creep up around you. You had sold your services to make ends meet at times. It always left you with a sickening feeling in your gut after. As if the Mother herself was disappointed. "You can help that not happen." You said softly, voice barely audible. If you weren't so deep into the forest you doubted even his shadows could have heard you. "I need.. I need to find my father." Your voice trembled, he approached you slowly. Like he was approaching a wild animal. 

"It might seem-" He began coaxing, holding a hand out to you. Just like he had the other night. A question, a temptation. 

"I know your pain, shadowsinger." You took his hand, letting him lead you to a fallen tree. The soft moss growing on it was a welcome seat after walking for so long following him into the woods. "He would beat my mother and would pluck her feathers." You were grateful for your mother every second she put into resisting his influence for you. For keeping him at bay until you grew enough to be sent to the Peregryn camps for training. She never revealed your cross breeding, only that you had your wings and could use them well. Only because she had taught you. 

Azriel was quiet for a long moment, his shadows moving slowly like waves around your ankles together. "I'm - sorry.. .about your mother. I didn't know." He whispered, pausing and cursing to himself. "I can help you find him. We can look, but we need to get through those enemy lines first. I need you to help me do that." He grasped your hand lightly, as if asking.

 "Lets slice some attor, I guess." You sniffed, the cold making your nose run. At least, you blamed it on that.

+

The camp was mostly asleep by the time you got there. Under the cover of nightfall you were able to silently end most of the Fae that lurked in the camp. With everything going so smoothly, your heart lurched at the sight of Azriel falling backwards, a calling horn in his hand. His siphons flared, and it shattered. But left his siphons dull. He winced as he rolled out of the winging range of a fellow Illyrian with a flail in one hand and a mace in the other.

"Traitorous bastard." Azriel grappled with the Illyrian commander, but they were evenly matched. They knew all the same moves, sparring and sword wise. You launched yourself through the scattered bodies lining the clearing, dodging over puddles of blood and forgotten weapons. The commander had Azriel in a hold that had his wings flipped outward, and the male took the opportunity. He pressed his boot against Az's back and pulled them backward, bending them father than was natural. You roared, not bothering to waste the time to draw your weapon. 

You barreled into him, Azriels hands still reaching backwards to claw at his hands. He toppled over a stack of bodies, yanking you down with him. You scrambled away from him, hands clambering for any weapon. By the time you turned back around to face him, Azriel had already put him on his knees before you. Bending the males wings back just as he had done to the shadow singer.

Your borrowed blade went through his throat, pinning him to the ground as he kneeled. He looked like a statue in the position.  

You spat on the body. "Dont touch wings, asshole." You muttered. Azriel stared at you, as if in shock. You picked up a better looking sword from the ground nearby, wiping it on the cloth inside of your armor sleeve. "What?" You asked. Azriel seemed stunned silent. He seemed shocked in place. After you were sure there were no rogues readying to flee or informants spying, You took a breath, returning to him where he still stood beside the body of the commander.

You pointed back at the winged body speared to the ground behind him. Smiling, you titled the pose. "A prayer to the mother." His eyes went somehow even wider. 

Then he broke out in laughter. You couldnt help but join him, the high of battle making you both delirious. You laughed at his laugh, the stupid face he made laughing back at you. Laughed at the half spoken words that were cut off by more breathless giggles. 

Your sides ached by the time you both sat around the enemy fire, enjoying their spoils of war from a nearby town. The roasted duck smelled particularly good. Azriel heated a pot of tea over the coals, throwing in fresh pine needles from a tree nearby. 

"You know-" He handed you your cup of tea. It was warm in your palm, but his hands were still somehow hotter than the boiling water. He blew on his cup, the steam not going much farther than what his shadows allowed. They seemed to almost play in it. "I am sorry about your mother. I understand why you regard some of us with such...distaste." He put the lid back on the pot and took it off the fire. He looked so natural doing...normal things. Not just posturing for his court and killing. 

You nodded in thanks, not needing too many words with him. "She fled the week after I was formally invited to train in the Peregryn ranks. He found her, and killed her for leaving him. My court holds no rules against such things. He hasn't suffered for it." Your voice shook at the end. "Yet, that is. This.." You gestured to the battlefield, the bodies behind you. "This is just along the way. Killing him will be my destiny. My retribution for my mother." You sipped your tea, letting the burn of it sink in. You hoped it would warm your insides.

"I miss my mother as well." He said, taking a gingerly sip of his tea. He stretched his wings, you could tell by the hesitant way he folded them back in that they pained him. You made a mental note to give him one of your healing potions when you returned to camp.

You sat in silence with him until that fire burned out, and only dull coals were left.

+

"I'm glad you both seemed to have fun. Is the camp clear?" Cassian hissed, following you to the war tent. You sipped your mead, nodding. "Yes, oh strategic one. The bridges are cut too, courtesy of yours truly." You winked at him, making him stop in his tracks. Azriel patted him on the shoulder without a word, then followed you into the tent where Rhys waited. Wrathful or not, you knew he had no rights to tell you off this time. 

Azriel's hazel eyes met your own as you entered the tent together.

[sweetescapeartist]

DBS COLORING BOOK CHAPTER 74 REVIEW

*spoilers* I liked this chapter in isolation.

*spoilery spoilers* I dislike this chapter when comparing it to other chapters.

Here's the battle Vegeta fans have been waiting for...! (Glad I lowered my greatly expectations)

First, let's talk about use of panels real quick. When there is action, Toyo has done better and uses about 6 panels max to convey the fight. But when there is dialogue, he uses too many panels. Like 7 to 9 panels on one page. That is too much for dialogue. And he has pointless reaction shots often.

It begins with the axolotl inspired Sugarians leaving their fishbowl homes through cleaning-tube roadways. I like their aquarium-like city and their buildings.

And here we are on page 2 with the Toyotaro dialogue. 😒 How can I tell? Compare it to Dragon Ball and you can easily tell the difference between Toriyama's dialogue & Toyotaro's dialogue. (Toriyama has been more focused with working on the DBS movies. I highly doubt he contributes as much to the manga as some fans believe.)

Vegeta sounds like Mr. Satan when calling fusion and cloning "tricks" lol. And no, I doubt Vegeta's Forced Spirit Fission would work on Granolah. Granolah split himself in 2 with a technique. It is still all Granolah & he hasn't absorbed anyone. Forced Spirit Fission is useless here.

Granolah sure is chatty again after he kept saying how he really really wants to kill these Saiyans. Vegeta tells him he parted ways with Freeza and he is an enemy now, as to which Granolah laughs. Granolah thinks Vegeta is betraying Freeza to spare his own life. This just let's us know what kind of person Granolah is...

Granolah is a nonsensical idiot who doesn't know how to reason well & doesn't listen to truth because he assumes he is already right. I don't like ppl like him who refuse to grow mentally. I went from liking Granolah, to not caring about his bland personality, to disliking him. 😑

Oatmeel's input is pointless because he doesn't sway Granolah into believing the Saiyans may not be lying. He quickly gives up and becomes quiet. Vegeta informs Granolah that he was a child when Planet Cereal's ppl were killed and wasn't part of the attack. But he doesn't care and Paragus wants revenge against the royal family... I mean, Baby wants revenge on all Saiya... Granolah wants to kill all Saiyans.

Then we get Vegeta saying he will kill Granolah after barely talking to the guy who was willing to talk. I guess Vegeta just wants to fight and test his power instead of trying to redeem himself like earlier chapters implied and fans theorized. Throw that out the window.

He turns SSB Evolution & Hakai's large rocks around Granolah. But Granolah appears behind him and shows Vegeta true hakai. He elevates a big chunk of the ground & blows it up then the force pushes Vegeta to him and Granolah strikes him. Cool way to use the environment in battle.

Also, Granolah knows Hakai. He shows it off by using his own more powerful Hakai & suggests Vegeta's training with Beerus is lacking.

There is some cool looking art. Their fight moves from forest to river to lake. Interesting environment s for DB. Reminds me of the Cooler movie and the fights on Namek a bit.

This entire time, Vegeta is on the defensive and has to run. But, I find pages 16-21 silly.

Why is Vegeta swimming when he can fly through the water?! Swimming is slower & Granolah is firing fast ki blasts at him!

YOU: "But, Vegeta is swimming so Granolah can't detect his ki."

Granolah can see him! His right eye is supposed to see blood flow and stuff. He nearly hits him multiple times. And lets not forget he was sniping them long distance and his Goku in the neck and almost took him out. Why does Granolah need aim assist now? I'll tell ya why. To make Vegeta look more impressive than Goku by making Goku look like a poor fighter. And this was a Goku who was using Ultra Instinct and still got messed up by Granolah while Vegeta is just using SSB Evolution. Character sabotage... 😒

Back to my complaints about Vegeta swimming. The swimmin' would work in OG Dragon Ball but not here. It would work on Namek with Freeza who can't sense ki, but not here with Granolah who can sense ki (& maybe even god ki) & his eye can percieve all kinds of movements of the body.

And why does Vegeta momentarily pop up out the water then go hide back into it? Don't say its 'cause he needs to catch his breath. He aparently did training holding his breath while on the Heeter's ship, so he should be fine holding his breath. It was for a short period of time anyways. It just doesn't fit and is unnecessary in multiple ways.

Vegeta Hakai's Granolah's big blast to escape it and it blows him out of the water. Interesting kinda... Until you realize that Vegeta's training that we were shown was lame. He just Hakai'd logs & rocks! It should've shown him trying to Hakai ki blasts from Beerus. Make his training look cool darn it!

Chapter 70 Established that Hakai has changed. It no longer is just erasing things from existence in different ways. It has to have a *boom* explosion to it. So when Beerus Hakai'd Zamasu in chapter 19, there should've been an explosion instead of turning him into sand? So, now whenever the Hakai is used, there will always be an explosion...? I don't like how Toyo is quick to change what he set up just for his convenience...

Granolah brags about himself then Vegeta brags about himself-...! That's why I dislike Granolah! He's just like Vegeta! Maybe if I stop thinking of Granolah as a "good guy" then he will be cooler? I did like evil Vegeta as an evil character. We were supposed to hate him. So, if I imagine Granolah as an evil Vegeta... It worked! Granolah's unappealing attitude works perfectly if you view him as an evil enemy! (Still kinda preachy tho)

VEGETA: "But I'm still going to win."

Vegeta fans rejoice! Your prayers have been answered by the great Zalama! Vegeta announced victory...! Wait... I've seen this before... Yo... Vegeta fans, prepare for Vegeta to be defeated just in case. He has a record of announcing victory then ultimately losing. Don't get your hopes up too high.

Lol Granolah disses Vegeta's ego 👌. But Granolah is unknowingly talking about himself too XD. Dummies. Vegeta mocks him by calling him "Mr. Strongest" & Granolah has nothing to day. Granolah can dish it out but can't take it.

Goku wakes up and sees Vegeta fighting Granolah. Who cares? How are you gonna be caught off gaurd in a form that reacts on its own? Go back to sleep. I'm not mad at you, Goku. I'm just disappointed.

Vegeta fires a barrage of ki at Granolah and Granolah Hakai's them. Then Vegeta fools Ganolah into destroying an ancient city of the Cerelians.

VEGETA: "I can tell, you know... That you only recently acquired this absurd strength."

GRANOLAH: "How? How can you tell?"

VEGETA: "Thank you for confirming."

There's the Granolah we know. Quick to give out valuable info. Also, this is to make Vegeta appear "smarter" & a "better fighter" than Goku. Realistically, a master martial artist like Goku would be first to notice that Granolah recently acquired this kind of power. But, Goku is being dumbed down for Vegeta's sake.

VEGETA: "Need I repeat myself...? You may be stronger but... there's no gaurantee that I'll lose to you!" *attempts to break Granolah's leg*

So says the guy who always loses unless the opponent is weaker than him. But, he even lost to weaker opponents on Earth before, so....

Vegeta fans calm down, calm down. This is basic Vegeta dribble. Let's be real. When has Vegeta ever defeated an opponent that was stronger than himself? Never. When has Vegeta become stronger than his opponent and defeat them because they're weaker than him now? Always. Does Vegeta ever win when he is too cocky? Nope. This is to hype y'all up. Don't be mad if he loses. Y'all know this routine. The arc ain't even over so the chances of him winning are low.

Now let's examine Vegeta's fight in comparison to Goku's fight.

Goku goes through all his forms & uses Ultra Instinct in base, SSJ, SSG, SSB, & then goes silver haired UI when fighting Granolah. Then, he loses in every form. Vegeta goes straight to Blue Evolution and only seriously gets hurt once.

Goku keeps getting hit despite having a technique that is all about evasion. Vegeta gets hit far less & doesn't have Ultra Instinct.

Goku was struggling to fight a clone that was half the power of Granolah. Vegeta fights Granolah at his full power and struggles less.

Goku complains about his training and how he is struggling using his technique. Vegeta who had less time with Hakai training isn't complaining about struggling with Hakai.

Goku far surpassed Vegeta in the Moro arc, yet they are crippling Goku to let Vegeta catch up & make him look better. Vegeta has literally gotten a handout that he didnt have to work hard for in order to catch up with Goku... This chapter is fine when isolated and you aren't thinking about any other previous chapter. But, it is a convoluted mess when you look back at the previous chapters, the piss poor storytelling, & Vegeta's poor Hakai training that leads up to this chapter.

Where'd that "heroic" Vegeta and that "redemption" stuff go? Its as if Toyotaro decided he should stop tying to make Vegeta the hero & main character instead of Goku being the main. (Thank God.)

But... Vegeta says that he loves fights that are unpredictable?? That I disagree completely with. Vegeta wants fights to go in his favor through all of DBZ and will throw a fit when it doesn't.

In RoF: it was going in his favor so he loved it.

Destroyer Tournament arc: he didn't like that things didn't go his way in the end.

Future Trunks arc: he was upset when losing to Black, but loved it when he thought he was going to win.

ToP: angry when everyone else surpassed him, happy when he gained an upperhand, upset when he lost the upperhand.

Moro arc: Vegeta is upset that Moro is stronger but even more upset that Goku is stronger than him. When he is stronger than Moro he is loving it. Then when he loses the advantage, he is upset.

Vegeta doesn't love unpredictable fights, Goku does! Vegeta loves predictable fights in his favor.

Granolah asks how many lives were sacrificed for Vegeta's carnage. Vegeta doesn't answer. Why? Because its best to ignore the fact that he has killed billions of ppl so that Vegeta fans can ignore his bad actions (Yet many say that Vegeta has developed so much without acknowledging his terrible past). Can't have Vegeta looking like a bad guy in this chapter, right?

Oh boy! Page 37 is more "Vegeta hype!" He doesn't care about strongest or second strongest ('cause he has never been 1st place) & he basically explains Dragon Ball to us.

Roshi already taught Goku & Krillin that there will always be somebody stronger, so they need to keep reaching higher and higher.

If Vegeta is stronger than he was a few minutes ago, would that mean the same for Goku when he was fighting? Why did he perform so poorly? I wonder... 🤔

Granolah jabs Vegeta in the stomach, but Vegeta manages to slow it down (how come Goku using Ultra Instinct couldn't do that?). And cool. Blood. Anime has better writing and cool character development/moments. The manga has blood... Well, I guess blood is cooler to some ppl.

Vegeta is looking like Goku in the ToP before he attained UI. He has his head down & all. Vegeta just isn't talking about hownl much he sucks. Why does Goku keep insulting himself? N-nevermind. This is about Vegeta who keeps complimenting himself.

Why did Granolah become scared of Vegeta suddenly? Wouldn't he just see him as a mad dog and use his amazing power to put Vegeta down before he can do anything? He hates them so much, but keeps letting them live.

Uh oh... Vegeta doesn't like protecting and saving? BuT I tHoUgHt hE wAs a hErO! Where is his development going?? Ya mean the real development he had in the anime or the pseudo development in the manga?

But even after saying all that... I prefer manga Vegeta to be like this instead of a wannabe hero. Wannabe hero doesn't fit. This feels like Vegeta is in character again. I like this. I was just criticizing how Vegeta was written in past chapters in comparison to this one. A more chill Vegeta who loves battles? This is what I've wanted from DBS manga Vegeta for a long time!

Oh snap! Vegeta's transforming? I wonder what it will look like (thanks for the warning from the leaks 👍). Oil... Why are you even in this chapter? We don't care about you right now & you're boring without Maki. Goku says it ain't "any old god ki."

I wonder how Goku never knew about this new form if he and Vegeta trained on Beerus Planet together. Ya think he would've sensed and saw it & even wanted to fight against it.

So is this new form a spur of the moment thing? So Vegeta has a new form that he never trained... And he asks if Granolah has been training his new power on page 34... Sounds hypocritical of Vegeta, or he is being thrown a bone to make him look capable. Is Vegeta gonna pull a Golden Freeza by not training this new form? Or maybe a UI Goku at the ToP and lose the form?

Page 43, Granolah shoots tiny ki blasts at Vegeta's tower of flaming ki and he is surprised it did nothing. Why not try again but this time use that one big blast instead. No? Gonna let the guy of the race you hate finish transforming? Just gonna be scared and shocked to make Vegeta look impressive? Ok.

Pages 41, 44, & 45

Oh! Here it is! The new form...! Aaaand I still don't like it. Also, he healed up like Goku did last chapter too. Odd. Why does transforming heal them now? Didn't before.

No build up to make the form more cool, it's just

"Here, Vegeta. Goku has one more form than you do & he has mastered UI, so we can't let you fall too far behind. So I just pulled this crap transformation fresh outa my butt and gave it to you."

Another undeserved handout. Can you please make Vegeta earn a new form in the manga? PLEASE?!

Vegeta looks like he is in his own UI Omen form (like how Vegeta fans begged for Vegeta to get for the longest time). Dark hair with sone lighter coloured higlights, light coloured pupils, new aura. But this is what I see...

SSJ3ROSÉ of DESTRUCTION INSTINCT OMEN (or just "SSJ-ChexMix" for short)

Looks like in the end, Vegeta needed to resort to his own Ultra Instinct equivalent!

Oh no... I criticized Vegeta's bad writing too much! I bet some Vegeta fans are gonna automatically assume that I hate him because I want him to be written better without plotholes! 😱

IN CONCLUSION:

This chapter is good when isolated on its own. But, this chapter is filled with inconsistencies when you look back at previous chapters. Overall, it's... a mixed bag that I barely like. It's just so retarded that Goku had to be dragged through the mud just for Vegeta to look better. That is insulting to Vegeta and it either shows how much he sucks or or how weak the writing for Vegeta is. But we got what we got...

Wanna know how to make Vegeta look good without making Goku look pathetic? Goku never uses MUI! Goku defeats Granolah's clone with SSB. Then, Granolah merges back with his clone & catches SSB Goku by surprise and knocks him out.

Then, the reason why Vegeta seems to be doing better is because Vegeta is using SSBE, unlike SSB Goku who was caught off guard. Why make the MUI form & Goku both look like trash just to give Vegeta his own Ultra (Destructive) Intinct? Is Vegeta really that trash?! 😓😴

I don't wanna see the Heeters anymore. My hype for them died, but maybe a later chapter can make me like them more. Idk.

Where is my homie, Moniato?! 🐌 (BEST CHARACTER OF THE ARC SO FAR!)

Oh yeah...I was supposed to complain about not seeing Freeza again like I do every chapter... Who cares at this point? If Granolah is stronger than Goku & Vegeta, what can Freeza do? Hide for 3 yrs and let Granolah die?

What are my predictions for next chapter? More Vegeta wanking of course. More gloating & looking down on Granolah too. A battle of overinflated egos. Bad dialogue and decent to good art. I'll probably find it mostly boring but I may be surprised (that could be a good or bad thing). Vegeta will appear to be winning before...

Vegeta gets defeated & certain Vegeta fans will rage & be annoying. Those ones will complain about how Vegeta always gets the short end of the deal (that's what he gets for being shorter than Bulma & 12 cm taller than Krillin). This one should happen imo based off of Goku's performance.

Vegeta's fight will get interrupted before the battle ends so that Vegeta fans don't get angry. Make Vegeta fans feel that Vegeta could've won and keep them grasping on to hope. (How manipulative.) This one is most likely to happen to "satisfy" all fans.

Vegeta will win and Vegeta fans will rejoice & some will be very annoying. Despite the fact that he had terrible training, was handed a new form just to stay relevant, and Goku had to underperform & UI had to be nerfed just to make Vegeta look good. This one may happen just to appease Vegeta fans. (That is the worst outcome imo.) If Vegeta gets "a win/a W" against a main villain, make sure his training looks impressive and he has some sort of connection to the main bad guy. That way the victory feels well deserved.

If the final enemy is Freeza, then Vegeta defeating Granolah isn't "a win" against a major villain. Granolah will just be a bump in the road. He's already set up to not be a "bad guy." In the end, the main bad guy will be either Freeza, Gas, 7-3, or someone. Vegeta fans shouldn't care if Vegeta wins or loses against Granolah. He isn't the "final boss."

[cultofbeatles]

parts of pattie boyd’s book wonderful tonight that involved george that stuck out to me:

pattie didn't have any of the beatles records at first and only bought please please me since she was going to be in their film 

“on first impressions, john seemed more cynical and brash than the others, ringo the most endearing, paul was cute, and george, with velvet brown eyes and dark chestnut hair, was the best looking man i’d ever seen.”

during a lunch break pattie and george sat next to each other and were both very shy 

george asked pattie “will you marry me?” and after she laughed he said, “well, if you won't marry me, will you have dinner with me tonight?” and she turned him down.

she deadass invited george to hang out with her and her boyfriend at the time.

pattie and george are both pisces.

once reshoots for the film were happening george asked pattie about her boyfriend, she said she had dumped him, and george once again asked her for dinner. she accepted this time.

brian epstein joined them for their first date.

they sat side by side and were too scared to even hold the others hand.

george got along great with pattie’s family.

pattie liked cynthia lennon but found her difficult to make friends with. 

“she wasn't like my friends, who enjoyed a giggle and some fun: she was rather serious, and often, i thought, behaved more like john’s mother than wife.”

there was a rumor that john and pattie were having an affair and pattie worried cynthia believed it. it wasn't true.

maureen cox (ringo’s girlfriend) was another beatles girl that pattie had a hard time being friends with. but said that she was “jolly and friendly, more relaxed than cynthia.”

pattie got along best with jane asher but saw her the least.

“i felt there was definitely a north-south divide among the wives and girlfriends. and i had the definite impressions that the girls from the north (maureen and cynthia) felt they has a prior clam to the boys.” okay shade, we see you. 

(talking about going on holiday with john, cynthia, and george) “it was a good way to split the group. john and paul were the closest in some ways and immensely creative together, but they clashed if they were in each other’s pockets for too long.”

george asked pattie to cut his hair while on holiday and one of the cleaners found his hair and kept it. 

(talking about george) “he was so beautiful and so funny.”

once a “weird looking man” tried to force his way into pattie and george’s house. pattie thought he was either a salesman or a jehovahs witness. it turns out it was paul in disguise. 

george said the only place he got peace was in the bathroom of his hotel suite.

pattie got a lot of letters saying that if she didn't leave george there would be a curse put on her.

 pattie’s cleaner was a male ballet dancer and “a terrific duster.”

pattie would count the days till george came back. once he jumped into the bed early in the morning to wake her up. 

those two would deadass not lock their doors and were surprised that clothes were going missing...what is with older generations and not locking their doors i -

george would be in the studio from 11 am - 11 pm. sometimes midnight. 

george’s mom loved when john would visit and would always ask him for an “upper.”

when john lennon is your drug dealer.

pattie wasn't a good cook but was optimistic.

“i loved listening to him (play guitar), loved the sound of the guitar in the house. sometimes i would start to talk and he'd be so deep in thought about the lyrics or the melody he was writing that he wouldn't answer. we’d be the same room but he wasn't really with me: he was in his head.”

pattie developed a kidney disorder.

(talking about the beatles dynamic) “in many aspects they were still children. they had few real friends apart from each other, and when they were asked questions they could answer as one - they were so much on each other’s wavelength. if one went to a gallery opening, they all went; if one bought a new car or new house, they all did. if one seemed in danger of taking himself too seriously, the others knocked it out of him.”

one evening george stopped the car and said, “let’s get married. i'll speak to brian.” they went to brian’s house, george went inside, and when he came back in the car he said, “brian says it’s okay. will you marry me? we can get married in january.”

briannnnnnn, is it my turn to get married yet pleaseeeee

pattie invited her absent father to their wedding but he did not come.

at the train station everyone left cynthia behind as she was carrying the suitcases and john was carrying nothing. peter brown had to go back and get her. 

pattie’s quote from the lsd in the coffee moment is hilarious to me. “you've just had lsd. it was in the coffee.” john lennon: “how dare you fucking do this to us?”

pattie and george didn't go to brian’s funeral in liverpool but george sent one single sunflower.

pattie stopped modeling because george didnt like it. and she felt like she lost a part of herself.

maureen was afraid of flies.

during the India trip, mia farrow told john that maharishi was inappropriate with her and john wanted everyone leave after that.

after India george and pattie’s relationship changed.

(talking about george) “some days he would be all right, but on others he seemed withdrawn and depressed. this was new: he had never been depressed before, but there was nothing i could do. it wasn't about me, but i found that my moods started to mirror his...so bad indeed, that at times i felt almost suicidal. i don't think i was ever in any real danger of killing myself, but i got as far as working out how i would do it: i would put on a diaphanous ossie clark dress and jump off beachy head.”

george became more obvious about his cheating. it hurt pattie.

george was gaslighting her.

cilla black was staying at george and pattie’s house and was uncomfortably close to george so pattie left. six days latter george called to tell her the girl was gone and she could come home.

“..but my ego was too fragile and i couldn't see it as anything other than betrayal. i felt unloved and miserable.”

“jane asher came home unexpectedly from new york and found another woman in the house, an american girl - and did what i should probably have done with george...”

george would start to talk about his feelings about paul or john but would stop bc he never wanted to admit that he felt left out. 

“we had once been so close, so honest and open with each other. now a distance had developed between us..”

(about yoko contributing to the beatles break up) “the four had never allowed anyone into the recording studios with them, but yoko not only sat by john throughout every session, he consulted her about the music they were making, which upset paul.”

during the let it be sessions there was a time with george and paul got in a fist fight and george left.

the same day john told George he was leaving the beatles, george’s mom told him she was ill and in critical condition.

i love that she vibe checked george. “he was bringing home bad vibes.”

george continued cheating and they continued arguing.

“my diary is full of entries about my unhappiness and the disintegration of our relationship.”

john came to visit george and pattie’s new mansion and said that it was so dark he didn't know how they could live in it, and george recommended that he took of his sunglasses.

eric clapton being a piece of shit and saying “if you won't be with me pattie i will become addicted to heroin.”

pattie said the only thing she had left was cooking and george took that away.

the couple was suppose to go on holiday together but george cancelled last minute bc he didn't want to go with her. he ended up going to spain.

“when i challenged him, he denied it and tried once again to make me feel as though i was paranoid.”

i'm not even...the whole fucking story of the george and maureen affair PISSES ME OFF more than i can describe. maybe i’ll make a whole other post but omfg i'm fuming. fuck them bothhhh. they deserve no rights.

george harrison, mere days before their wedding anniversary: “let’s get a divorce this year.” what an amazing new years resolution jerk.

ringo offered pattie a job.

when george told ringo about the affair pattie was so mad she dyed her hair red. 

george loved pattie’s little brother and was his role model but he wouldn't come to the man’s wedding even though he was invited.

the night pattie told george she was leaving him george came to bed in sadness and said, “don't go.”

“i'm going.”

george invited pattie to dhani’s eighteenth birthday party bc she “had to be there. she was family.”

george had become more of an older brother to her now.

pattie had learned about john’s death from eric clapton and immediately went to the beatles office in london to hang out with everyone there.

(after finding out about george’s death) “i couldn't bare the thought of a world without george. when i left him for eric, he had said that if things didn't work out, ever, i could always come to him and he would look after me. it was such a selfless, loving, generous thing to say and it had always been tucked away at the back of my mind. now that sense of security had gone.”

the last time they saw each other was when george called saying he wanted to visit her new cottage and see her.

pattie didn't go to his funeral nor did she go to the memorial concert that took place a year later. but she spent that day high on the mountains thinking of george. “i was happy to mourn him alone and in my own way.”

she would have dreams of george after his death. “oh george, it’s so wonderful that you are alive after all, this is so fabulous; i knew they had all made a mistake.”

and then she’d wake up.

[just-my-fandom]

One After Another (Cisco Ramon x Allen! Reader)

Chapter 4

Summary; Reader learns because of her early labor, her powers won’t be coming back like Nora said they would. Cisco now really debates on keeping his powers. Reader finds out about Barry disappearing In crisis years from now.

Chapter is short compared to the others.

Tag list; @Intoomanyfandom-s @thebloodrobin @hecatemacbeth7 @badasspolygenderfriend @writeroutoftime

Story list; Chapter 1 , Chapter 2 , Chapter 3 ,

. . .

“I don’t understand. Explain again to me what the difference between this day and every other day in America?”

You look up from where you bounced Dante on your lap, eyes watching as Sherloque threw his hands in the air and faced Cisco with confusion,

“It’s a holiday when we all get together and celebrate and eat a ton of food,” Cisco tries to explain, “Like, a gross amount,”

“Hey guys!” Caitlin greets, and you smile, lifting Dante’s hand to wave so he giggled, sticking his fist into his mouth, “What’s going on?”

“This man is trying- and failing- to explain the meaning of this holiday,” Sherloque scoffs, “Please, explain,”

“It’s very simple, Sherloque,” You sigh, standing up to curl an arm under Dante and prop him on your upper hip, “We all get together to spend the day with our loved ones and family,”

“Simple to you,” Sherloque points, “I have no family,”

“Didnt you have seven marriages?” Cisco questions,

“Did,” Sherloque states, “Five wives, seven marriages- no family. This holiday is a cruel holiday,”

You frown as Sherloque moves to walk out of the cortex, Dante babbling and reaching out, Cisco allowing Dante to grab a small fistful of his hair,

You look up when the alarm begins to blare, Dante flinching against the loud noise and hiccuping so you tucking him under your chin, moving to the control panel beside Caitlin to see where the pin pointed location, “What’s going on?”

“I’m seeing a large electrical surge at the downtown power station,”

“Barry, Nora,” Iris calls to the mics, “You’re up,”

You bite your lip and look down, pressing a kiss to the side of Dante’s head as you step back,

“Y/N,” Cisco squints his eyes after Barry and Nora had completed the task- resulting in Barry dying and Nora having to revive him- your eyes flicking up from where you stared at the floor, “You alright?”

You lick your lips and turn in your chair to rock Dante to sleep, shaking your head, slightly, “I don’t think my powers are going to come back,”

Caitlin furrows her brows, stepping up next to Cisco, “You haven’t allowed your body to fully heal from child birth, Y/N,”

“It’s been two weeks,” You exhale, and shrug enough to not disturb Dante, “Nora said my powers came back right after I gave birth,” A pause, “I don’t think the labor itself is what caused it- I just have this feeling that, my speed is completely gone,”

“Would you, like for me to run tests?” Caitlin asks, and you look down, Cisco extending his hands so you could stand up, passing Dante to him silently,

. . .

“I don’t see any dark matter traces in your cells,” Caitlin leans against her desk with a frown, glancing over to where you sat on the bed and sucked in a deep breath, “Nora was wrong. I don’t think your powers will come back,”

“It’s the time change,” Barry sighs, looking over to future Dante, “For all we know, you in the later future could end up not having speed,”

“Not necessarily,” Caitlin corrects, “Those powers came from Y/Ns bloodstream to Dante’s, so, yes Y/N lost hers completely, but Dante still inherited them,”

“So it’s settled,” You mumble, Cisco frowning when you push off the bed and clap your hands, quietly, “I’m powerless. For good,”

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” Caitlin frowns, too, and you press your lips together,

“So many things are changing,” Nora exhales, arms crossed, “Because of us,”

“No, don’t blame yourself,” Barry pleas,

“How can we not?” Dante asks, brows pinched, “Because we arrived- Cicada came early, mom went into labor early because Cicada attacked, mom lost her powers because she went into labor, it’s a domino effect!”

“And dad disappears in Crisis earlier than originated,” Nora continues, Barrys face falling as he looks to you, where your brows furrowed in firm confusion,

“You what?”

“Oh, schrap!” Nora winces, “Sorry! I-I’m gonna go,”

“No, Barry,” You hold up a hand, “What is she talking about,”

Cisco sighs, eyes shutting as his hand runs up baby Dante’s back, “When Barry disappears in Crisis, he never comes back even twenty five years later,”

“You knew?” You point, shaking your head, “This is too much. Give me my son, I’m going home,” You pull Dante away from Cisco so the infant whined, Cisco reaching out to touch your arm,

“Let me take you,”

“I’m a big girl. I can handle myself,” You shoot, Cisco releasing your arm to let you step back, barely catching the gleam in your eyes before he is forced to watch you walk out of the lab.

“Give her time,” Barry murmurs, Cisco running a hand over his face, “It’s a lot,”

. . .

“Hey,”

You look up from the crib and glance over your shoulder, Cisco’s eyes on the sleeping infant as he leans against the door, “Can we talk?”

You slowly pull your hand away from where Dante had a grip, leaning back to turn and leave the nursery, “There’s nothing to talk about,”

“I didn’t tell you for a reason,” Cisco explains, calmly, your eyebrows raising,

“To “protect me”?” You question, “I appreciate that, but I’m apart of the team too, whether I’m at home with a kid or not. I deserve to know shit like that,”

You cross your arms, sucking in a deep breath, “How long have you all known?”

Cisco frowns, watching your eyes flick to the floor, “Right before you had Dante,”

“So two whole weeks,” You state, “Cisco, why the hell didn’t you tell me? Everyone else on the team knew!”

“You were still pregnant with Dante,” Cisco reminds, “Barry feared the stress would cause you to go into labor early. He just wanted what was best for you,”

“Barry may know what is best for me, but you know what is right,” You correct, eyes back on Cisco, “Am I wrong?”

A moments pause, “No,”

“I deserve to know these kind of things, Cisco,” You look up as Cisco moves up to you, his hands at your arms before they lower to your waist, “I’m still apart of the team, and Barry’s my brother,”

“I know,” Cisco murmurs, eyes flicking between yours, “I’m sorry,”

Cisco watches as you shake your head, your hands sliding up to wipe your cheeks under your eyes, “When my father was killed, I didn’t think Barry nor I could handle it,” You exhale, sniffling against your hands, “Our moms death didn’t effect us that much because we were young, we didn’t understand it,”

You lick your lips, eyes burning from tears, “But I can’t lose Barry. He’s the only one I have left of my family, sure I have Joe, and Iris and Wally, but-,” You raise your head, hiccuping as Cisco moves forward, arm sliding around your shoulder to pull you against him,

“C’mere,” Cisco murmurs, his free hand pressing to the back of your head. Your arms tighten at his torso, sniffling against the fabric of his button up, “We’re not going to let it happen. We changed the future before, we can do it again,”

You nod, blinking in an attempt to rid your tears, “You know my life was somewhat normal before I had my speed,” A slight laugh escapes your lips, making Cisco smile, “But now that I don’t have them anymore, I’ve realized my life will never go back normal,”

“Honey, your life will never be normal being married to me,” Cisco leans back, and you snort, shoving a hand to his chest so he stumbled back,

“I’m serious!” He teases, hands at your arms so he didn’t fall. You press a finger to your lips, shushing the man,

“Don’t forget your speedster son is still asleep,” You order, Cisco’s eyebrows raising in rememberance, “Now,” You murmur, “I have some pumpkin pie I have to make for tomorrow,”

. . .

“So it wasn’t as much the taste as it was the crunch,”

“Wait,” Caitlin puts down the bowl she had, eyeing Iris on the couch, “Are you actually saying—,”

“Yes, that was the year I found out why Grandma Esthers yams tasted so good,” Iris nods, glass in one hand, “Because she never cleaned her favorite skillet,”

“That’s,” Nora pauses, “Disgusting,”

The group laughs, Barry looking up and over to Cisco, “Hey, where’s Y/N and the baby?”

“Mm,” Cisco swallows his sip of wine, glancing down at his watch, “She forgot the whipped cream for the pie. But she should be here in-,”

“Your favorite Allen is here!” Your call causes Cisco to nod, hand holding the glass pointing towards Barry’s front door,

“Now,”

You turn the corner with a wide grin, Cisco moving around the couch to take the pie and bag of whipped cream, while you shift Dante’s babbling figure in your arm, older Dante shutting the door behind you,

“Alright, who’s ready to cut the turkey?” Iris asks, Barry beckoning you to pass him his nephew, Cisco clapping his hands together as he moves next to you, leading you to the table with a peck to your cheek,