#i have a lot of thoughts on this topic but chose to focus on abuse and same sex attraction since that is what you specifically asked

[detransdamnation]

I am not the same anon but i hope you dont feel any ounce of guilt even if you answer this days later, take good care of yourself as much as possible. Onto the question. Do you have some ideas on what could be the main reasons for dysphoria to develop in a young person and why? Do you think things like same sex attraction could be a big factor to sparkle up dysphoria? Even though i struggle to understand how some people stay okay being same sex attracted and in their bodies and some want nothing to do with their body. And in the more tragic case, CSA could have some impact on developing it as well? Or maybe you have some other takes on it, i would be very curious to hear (well. read)

Thank you for your kind words and patience in my getting back to you, Anon.

To zero in on the same sex attraction aspect since that is what you specifically inquired about, yes, I do think that it could be a factor in some cases. However, as the saying goes, correlation does not necessarily equal causation and I think we need to be careful in not inadvertently insinuating that when having these discussions for a couple different reasons. From a gender-critical perspective, I can look back on my childhood and conclude that my dysphoria developed partially because I grew up in a homophobic environment and (unconsciously) further perpetrated that homophobia onto myself. It was not my same sex attraction that was wrong, but “society,” if you will.

However, I was not always able to do this, simply because I have not always been gender-critical. Many transgender people—and especially youth—come from a place of (often severe) internalized homophobia as same sex-attracted people. So, when someone states that same sex attraction may be a factor in dysphoria and transgender identity without explaining (or even mentioning) the why behind that, I view that as flippant—because someone with internalized homophobia can interpret that to mean, “I am dysphoric because I am bi- and/or homosexual.” Our sexualities become the reason for our turmoil—and through that, they, once again, become something for us to hate.

It also just gives way too much room for people who don’t actually have anyone’s best interests at heart to be homophobic. When we say that most dysphoric and trans people are homo- or bisexual and just leave it at that, what do we think a trans-critical homophobe is going to think? I can tell you they’re not going to reflect on their own biases. They’re going to take that to mean that same sex attraction is some sort of mental illness and that dysphoria is a symptom of it. It shifts the blame from homophobic societal structures to the person who is the victim of them. These are different sides of the same coin: When we fail to be mindful in analyzing and discussing the links between dysphoria and sexuality, both groups receive confirmation that same sex attraction is a problem.

I want to both clarify and emphasize, Anon, that I am not making a direct criticism of your own words but rather providing a general commentary on what I have personally seen and how I think it may affect people in ways we may not immediately realize. I feel that consideration of how these statements may come off is sometimes lacking, and as someone who was affected by that when I first started questioning my own transition, I felt it appropriate to mention here. I wish that more emphasis was put on social attitudes, rather than personal attraction, when discussing dysphoria and how it may be linked to sexuality—because that puts the focus on society as a whole rather than singling out one single aspect of a person that they are, very likely, already deeply struggling with. Same sex attraction is the correlation in dysphoric people; hatred of that attraction is the cause of that dysphoria. There is a difference between the two. It is essential we do not overlook it.

To address your other inquiry, I can also speak from personal experience in that my history of abuse did play a significant role in my dysphoria in retrospect. At the age I started identifying as transgender, I was not yet emotionally mature enough to understand that I was being abused. I just knew that people who were supposed to love and protect me instead harmed and took advantage of me, and I did not like that. My upbringing caused me to become passively suicidal from a very young age, which I then understood as wanting to “start over”—and it just so happened that transness eventually gave me that chance. I guess you could say that dysphoria was an expression of that pain and transition was an attempt at escaping it. Myself, as a child, was an abuse victim, a pawn, a pet—but myself, as a trans adult, was who I was outside of that. I fought so viciously to protect my transness because to criticize it felt—and still feels—like killing who I could have been.

Of course, I can only speak for myself, and frankly, that is the only person I want to speak for when it comes to abuse—but this is not just a personal thing. Virtually every single person in the trans community that I was in was also an abuse victim and abuse victims consistently remain(ed) a shocking majority in the communities outside of my own. I do not believe that that is just a coincidence.

I think that the need for control is a significant factor that unites both of these scenarios. I did eventually learn what homophobia was and came to terms with the fact that I had been abused. What I didn’t want to accept was that these things contributed to my pain—because I could not change them. I could not rid the world of homophobia. I could not keep my abusers from being abusive. But if I was the cause of my pain and the solution to that pain was right there, that meant that I could fix it. If everything was “just” dysphoria, that meant that I could heal myself without waiting around for those who hurt me to change. To consider the influence of anything that existed outside of my own mind was to lose hope because it shown a light on everything that I had no power to change as an individual among billions. When so many of us are already disadvantaged in some way from the get-go and we have absolutely no say in any of it, it only makes sense that we would turn that pain inwards and develop dysphoria—and when transition feels like (and is marketed as) the obvious solution, of course we will go through with it. It is our way to have a say. It is no wonder so many of us view transition as empowering when you look at it like that.

So, to finally address your leading question, “Do you have some ideas on what could be the main reasons for dysphoria to develop in a young person and why?” I believe that a variety of factors could be at play and for different reasons for different people. This is not just my own personal opinion; it has been shown that dysphoria and transgender identity tend to be especially concentrated in specific demographics and it would be ignorant of me to discount that. However, beyond citing what is demonstrably obvious and sharing my own experiences in an effort to offer perspective, I do not feel I am in a position to theorize what may or may not have caused someone else’s dysphoria. I strongly believe that dysphoric people need to come to that understanding themselves.

I also do not personally believe that there is a “main reason” on as to why dysphoria may develop in a young person in all cases. I suppose my own “main reason” would be that I fell into the trans community because I never thought seriously about transitioning prior to that time—but the thing is, even if I hadn’t, I would still be dealing with everything else that influenced my getting to this point. I cannot completely divorce all of the things that feed into my dysphoria because they also feed into each other. If I were to take the trans community out of that equation, it would just be the influence of the trans community missing. It is impossible to say whether or not I would have still gone down this same path without that. I honestly think it is just as likely that what remains would simply replace what no longer applies. Dysphoria is like a web. Webs are sticky things.

And as to why some people develop dysphoria while others do not, who knows? Throughout my medical transition as a teenager, every second or third person I talked to either had a full-blown eating disorder, or was on their way to developing one. I was under constant unconscious influence to go down that same path. I struggle with all of the known psychological risk factors in eating disorder development and was also raised in ways that are known to encourage them to develop overtime. Meanwhile, dysphoria was essentially unknown to everyone outside of my bubble. Why, then, did I develop dysphoria when it would have made more sense for me to develop an eating disorder? I don’t know. I don’t think there is a way to know.

At the end of the day, I truly do think whether or not one goes on to develop dysphoria is just a matter of luck (or rather, lack thereof). That is the unfortunate nature of mental illness. Sometimes you get it, sometimes you don’t, and there’s really no “reason” on as to why you have it while someone else with similar experiences might not. But even if there were a reason for it, even if I could pinpoint exactly what caused my dysphoria, I can honestly say that no comfort would come from my knowing—because knowing would not change the fact that I have it. I cannot go back, only forward, and in doing so, I have made peace with that ambiguity.

I sincerely hope this answer makes up for how long I made you wait for it.

[tfyoulookingatgiuxs]

READ TO THE END!!!

Warnings: heavy themes like abuse!

I would like to open a small topic, again concerning HH. Nowadays Vivienne Medrano's series is becoming popular around the world, so much so that all we do is talk about it. Curiosities, possible backstories of the characters, recaps on the episodes, fandom theories, the birth of the characters etc...

Speaking of the characters, I would like to focus on the various Villains, who despite being negative characters I liked a lot. An example is Adam, who although he has a bad temper, was able to be super meme and therefore gave us moments in which we could love him. But now I would like to focus on what creates discomfort, or rather I would say a disaster among the fandom! Valentino.

Let's be clear, I absolutely don't want to force anyone to hate or in any case like the character, because there is a Villain they don't like, but I know that there are people who like him and who actually have Valentino as their favorite character. This is neither hot nor cold to me because these people only express their thoughts and preferences, so I see no reason why I should allow myself to say anything.

But among the various social networks, especially Tik Tok, I had the opportunity to see that there were people in the fandom who were really mad at these people whose favorite character they chose Valentino. And so I said, "Why?" Well, let's start by saying that Valentino hurt Angel, abuses him and exploits him to make money, we agree on this. But come on, you can't say that Valentino doesn't have a great design. In my opinion, Valentino is a character that I don't particularly like, but this doesn't mean that I should bother or simply judge the people who love Valentino.

Remember, as long as people don't justify what Valentino does to Angel everything is fine. I am of the opinion that people should not be insulted or looked down upon because of their tastes or favorite characters. In short, there are people who like characters even worse than Valentino, so why bother. If someone simply says "Valentino is my favorite character" that's okay! if instead they say something like "What Valentino did to Angel was right" stop for a moment and start consulting a real psychologist, because okay! here we are talking about an animation for adults, made as a cartoon where everyone sings and with characters who grow together and everything is fine there too. But let's not forget that these things really happen and therefore justifying them because you like the charisma or style of the abuser character is not right in any case.

But remember that if you want to tell this person that there is nothing nice about what they say, do it with the right language and without insulting or getting angry. I can understand wanting to provide justice, but be patient with others! so you can have a civil conversation and so you will be well understood and listened to.

After this little "outburst?" if we can define it that way, or speech, I hope I have made Valentino fans and the Hazbin fandom in general more calm. And tell me who is your favorite character? Do you want me to explain my theories on some characters or continue to make my theories on the various events of the series? Let me know!

Thanks for your time!!

-Sorry for my english!!!

[official-saul-goodman]

hi saul - do you mind if i ask you about what sort of stuff/signs in writing tells you when the author is using abuse cheaply? you made a post about it a few days ago, and as a writer and reader i thought id ask so i could watch out for that sort of thing. conversely, do you know any books that you consider to portray abuse well? of course feel free not to answer, thank you for your time anyway

It's a lot, let me tell ya.

thank you for asking, also please excuse my atrocious grammar.

Take these with a grain of salt, but all these are just what i noticed reading cheap books while i was traveling. these books are cheap for a reason, theyre bad, and most likely not representative of good literature. I tend to enjoy mostly mystery books as well as classics, so i dont go about choosing books that are good at depicting home lives of abuse victims consciously, and dont really have any recommendations on books that depict abuse respectfully. i reckon other people will though if you search well enough youll find books written by people who were abused and chose to share thier stories through non fiction or fiction, or find books written respectfully that tackle the concepts of abuse. but what im going to talk about right now is how apparently a lot of authors cant find any good ways to handle abuse as a topic without being immensely disrespectful to multitudes of people- just solely based on my observations from the many many terrible books ive read over the years, mostly shitty thriller novels that exist to shock people crassly.

the most common cheap mentions of abuse that i have commonly seen and read tend to be as such: evil 'crazy' villain was abused as a child which leads to why he's evil, abusers are all people who have personality disorders cause mental illness is 'crazy' and leads to evil people, abused children are 'damaged' and such will do bad things if they become 'crazy' enough, etc. It's always related to some sort of nonsensical pathologising of completely neutral conditions people have, and the demonising of already vulnerable groups of people by showing them as abusers, even though these people are most likely victims of abuse. This is the main sign that the abuse mentioned in a story is most likely being used as a scare mongering tactic against mentally ill people, for nothing but shock value. I find this to be one of the most common, cheap uses of abuse as a topic in (mainly horror and thriller) books.

The second most cheap mention of abuse is this very strange twisting of abusers as people who have he capacity to change, as some sort of optimism porn or something. In my experience and the experience of many others, its insulting that books make it seem like abusers are secretly good people who are just misguided and will change on their own 'once they realise'. Or that they can make up for their behaviour through apologies and actions, because 'actions speak louder than words'. The idea that everything can be forgiven through the power of change or some magical bullshit, incredibly disrespectful to victims of abuse. Abusers are repeat offenders, and rarely are they ever people who just have one form by which they abuse people. Physical abuse comes verbal, and emotional. but most people only focus on the physical and verbal, and think that if someone shows abusers the 'right way' they'll simply learn their wrong ways and change. thats not how it works, you would never abuse someone if you were secretcly a good person. theres a fundamental flaw in giving the benefit of the doubt to people who have done immeasurable damage to their victims, theres nothing to achieve when you dont have more empathy and compassion for the victims and their pain.

A lot of abusers were abused themselves as kids, and so choose to continue the cycle of abuse, but this cannot be used to create a form of 'oh they were so hurt and they dont know any better' type of image. because they do know better, but they dont think theyre being abusive, cause they think they have the right to behave the way they do. You can address what led people to be the way they are without absolving them of their behaviour in fiction. in the end theyre all characters but the least you can do to people who were abused by people like these characters in a similar fashion is to not write abusers like they are not responsible for their actions, jsut because they went through the same thing in the past. theres no valid reason to be an abuser, and there never will be.

the worst of all is obviously with those 50 shades type romance thriller novels that romanticise misogyny and abuse, we all know about this, some new romance novel or the other with 'spicy' scenes becomes popular every few weeks on tiktok, ahem hem for example The Wives by Tarryn Fisher. terrible book, its so fucking terrible, its downright evil.

for writing tips on accurately and thoughtfully depicting abuse, you have to actually read or listen multiple people who have shared their experience with abuse. Be intelligent with how you use resources available, and dont fall into the trap of following easy but damaging tropes to shock readers.

[letsrilakkusu-blog]

A Little Life, a lot of pain

I'm late to the party, but I just finished reading A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara and wow, I am not okay. I'm restarting this blog solely because I need a space to talk about it.

I struggled to keep up with my reading last year because I chose several books that ended up being less than stellar. To start off 2023, I was between A Little Life and Kamusari Tales Told at Night, the follow-up to The Easy Life in Kamusari by Shion Miura. Although daunting in subject matter and length, I went with A Little Life because I figured it was better to start with a heavy book and have a lighter book ready in the reserves for after.

- SPOILERS AHEAD -

I had a vague idea of the plot, only that it followed a group of four friends and that there were a lot of trigger warnings involved. The book starts off innocently enough with the four vastly different but incredibly close guys trying to make it in New York City. Soon it takes a turn to focus on Jude though, and the deeper into his past and psyche we go, the darker it gets. My heart broke and kept on breaking with Jude's every memory detailing abuse of every kind imaginable, his every self-inflicted wound, his every revelation about what an abomination he is and how little he is worth, despite all of the evidence to prove otherwise.

I don't know what I was expecting - the cover photo says a lot, and once the novel does its first shift in perspective to Harold speaking to Willem, in which he seems to speak of Jude as though he is no longer there, I had an inkling of how it would end. Still, I somehow deluded myself multiple times into thinking that maybe, just maybe, the story wasn't going to end with Jude killing himself. And I think the reason why is because the joyous moments of Jude's life - the times spent with his friends-turned-family, Harold and Julia's decision to adopt him, the start of his romantic relationship with Willem, which I had hoped for from the beginning but didn't actually believe would happen - were so unbelievably poignant and beautiful, how could I not wish for a happier, or at least less tragic, ending for this character that has been through so much and deserves every happiness bestowed upon him and more? It's like I was reading a marathon in which I thought that if I got through a particularly bad section (his relationship with Caleb, his memories of Brother Luke and Dr. Traylor), I would be rewarded with a brief respite, a tender moment that would make my heart soar and tears well up in my eyes. It was only after Willem's death, which sucker-punched me in the gut out of nowhere, that I realized I had probably reached the point of no return. Still, I barrelled toward the end, sobbing, hoping, pleading just like Jude's loved ones, and when the end result was what I had originally dreaded, I was left shocked but not shocked, helpless, and empty.

While the story completely wrecked me, I believe that it is a very realistic portrayal of trauma and recovery, and the effects they have on not just the person experiencing it, but those around them. Trauma is deeply personal and isolating. Recovery is not linear, but a lifelong process through which you are never truly “healed”. Sometimes love is just not enough. It wasn't enough for Jude to overcome his fear and hate of sex, and it wasn't enough to keep him going once he lost Willem. I felt that I as a reader was getting pulled along with the same emotions as those around Jude. I grew uneasy every time he withdrew into himself, I felt complacent and accepting when his situation was not better but at least stagnant, I celebrated every triumph, and I found myself holding my breath, waiting, for the day we all knew was inevitable but had fervently wished would never come.

I'm not sure if I would recommend A Little Life to others, especially if I'm not familiar with their tolerance for such heavy topics and themes. Despite that, it's making a strong case for being one of the most amazing books I've ever read, and it will sit with me for a long time to come. It was painful, at times almost too much to bear. But balancing out the pain were the truly beautiful moments of pure joy, the unconditional love and friendship, the things that make our little lives a little better.

[averysleepyfrog]

My problem with the demands for "unproblematic" romance in fiction

It really annoys me how people these days keep complaining about the lack of "wholesome" and "unproblematic" romances in fiction as if they are rare, when in reality it's either that they either watch low-quality trash that doesn't have great characterization to begin with, or go on to decry the any conflict or imperfect handling of it between the leads as "unhealthy" and "a bad example". Yes, we all know 50 Shades and the likes of it are cringe, abusive and offensive yadda yadda yadda. However, consider the fact that not all stories are meant to be an example on how to behave in real life, and neither should literature be treated as exclusively an education ground. As a matter of fact, there are a lot of works that are not written with a lot of thought to begin with, whether that is for the writer to get paycheck, horniness, or some other reason. They may not contain great characterization or plot, or even handle certain topics sensitively, and you may not like them (I don't) and say that bookstores/ publishing houses push them too much. However, like any story, they have a right to exist, and to insist otherwise is to endorse censorship, which is a slippery slope that had IRL consequences through history.

I know that there is such a thing as hate watching, but when all one does is hate watch (or hate read, which is more perplexing because reading requires undivided attention and it means the person willingly chose to waste time on something they hate) obvious low-quality stuff instead of actually reading up about the premise before going in, of course you are going to get trashy characterizations with relationships that are cringe, toxic or straight up don't make sense. And when one only watches obvious trash without actually taking the time to watch anything good, one doesn't get to claim that this is representative of how romance is written in general. Also, as much as we are annoyed by the likes of Christian Grey**, the opposite of him can be potentially just as damaging to a good story, especially if it is romance and the relationship between two leads is meant to be a central focus. Why? Because good stories need conflict (which is, ironically, also the weakness in Twilight's structure that a lot of people overlook in favour of criticizing it's problematic elements.). In stories of other genre, there is more room to introduce said conflict through factors unrelated to romance, but in romance stories specifically, the entire weight is on the leads and their relationship. But if they all are so good at communication, so perfectly healthy and can resolve everything by talking within a few on-page hours, then what story is there left to tell? Not to mention that in a genre as focused on human relationships and human condition, with an actually good work one would expect some kind of exploration into the character's psyche of some sorts, including their uglier sides. Nobody likes perfect characters in any genre in general. They are boring, they break the willing suspension of disbelief, and they make you compare yourself to completely impossible standards. To be good, characters must have flaws that show themselves in meaningful ways in the story, which in a romance story is likely to impact the relationship. This is where the desire for "wholesomeness", where every hint at meaningful conflict is deemed unhealthy, begins to contradict good writing. Of course there won't be wholesome relationships when one's standards for wholesome are like that. Because no good writer would ever deliberately write a conflict-free book (unless it's porn without plot). TL; DR I think that instead of complaining about all romances fictional romances being "problematic", people should learn to curate what they read and watch, and spend less time hate-watching or jumping whatever is hot on TikTok. They should also understand that there is no plot without at least one character doing something questionable, or at least contradictory to what the other characters want. There really are movies, books and shows with unproblematic romances out there, if this is what you want to read (although there should be no shame in reading problematic stuff either). You just need to know where to look, instead of jumping the 100th 50 Shades clone because it's what the buzz is about.

* - Everyone seems to be so preoccupied with the "Edward is toxic" thing when bashing Twilight they ignore all the structural issues the books have. While I don't think the whole 3-act structure is the one and only truth when it comes to writing, the first book's problem specifically is there is barely anything significant happening other than the very spread out "who is Edward" mystery and the whole James/ Victoria ordeal towards the end.

** - Ironically, E L James also provides a pretty good argument to prove my second point in her lesser known series, the Mister (one with an obnoxious old money dude and an offensively portrayed Albanian cleaner). After the two get married, they actually manage to have a pretty healthy relationship in the second book... Which is also the book where nothing ever happens because they manage to quickly resolve their conflicts through good communication. At least something was happening in 50 Shades...

[justanartisticduck]

Warning: eyestrain, LONG post (please please tumblr don’t ruin the quality ;u;), implied abuse, death/harm, fire, teeth..? And glitchy effect, please look elsewhere if these make you uncomfy.

HEYA ITS ME AGAIN AND I SPENT ALMOST 5 HOURS STRAIGHT MAKING THIS :DDDDD

SO! This is a little thingy I did based off a song called “Neighborhood #2 (Laika)” by Arcade Fire! Now, earlier I made a post saying how this song really reminded me of my Duck interpretation regarding both their past and future- now this is mostly based off the meaning/references of this song, now I won’t get into too much detail, especially since one of the references is EXTREMELY dark and sad SO I’ll summarize by saying the themes I decided to focus on here! First being the topic of running away from a… not so great life.. And second being a death that was MEANT to happen- (both themes were discovered by the music video and also by some research-) NOW I chose these themes since they.. directly correlate with my Duck (both being that their childhood was.. not great.. and by the fact they LITERALLY DIE IN THE SERIES-) hence why this song reminds me of them so much <3 So yeah! Now i wanted to protray so much but alas i was limited to only a canvas- (some day i will make an animatic of this.. some day <33) BUT i did try representing a few things here!! First off at the top of the canvas we have Malicia, i put here here mostly cuz if the lyrics but also bc she was the first person who influenced Robin’s long line of misfortune. Alongside that we have younger Robin, to go along with Malicia.. Now before you ask their feathers are brown here because this is before they had started dying their feathers green and the reason they had wings was because birds thought it was cool AND they also recently have been thinking about that one legend abt Icarus flying too close to the sun with his wax wings and ended up falling into the ocean because of this- (listen birds has had a LOT on their mind lately leave me alone-) AJYWAYS so they also have some odd red lines surrounding them as you can see- now these are supposed to be spider lilies (which, if you dont know why they are important here, search their meaning) NOW these were supposed to be more detailed but I literally couldn’t make them more detailed for it is late and birds has been drawing this for hours- SO yeah!! Next we see both the feathers which are falling from Robin’s wings and the stem of one of the spider lilies which reside nearby current Robin who now bears their classic green feathers. Now i don’t have much to say here about them in this portion of the thingy BUT i like to think this is them pre June 19th, this also is supposed to correlate slightly with what is below them.. BUT i like to think THIS is them upon realizing Roy is a bad person, this is them upon loosing their friend Daisy (which may or may not have been referenced by the flowers covering their eyes- 👀), this is them upon the time that.. for once in all their time knowing eachother… they and red weren’t on great terms- So, their distrust for Roy continues to the next shot but, instead, here they are not just distrustful of Roy… but also.. they fear him here- Alongside that this is where the stem of the spider lily ends, where their lost feathers transform into teeth which, note, belong to the monster can- (and also notice, it seems as if the teeth are about to bite onto Robin… gee, wonder what thats referencing lol-) and then Roys hands are now surrounding the duck as they look with pure fear.. this is where the canvas ends… and… well… considering the themes and foreshadowing already present- im sure you know what this likely means for them-

Now thats it for the main description as to what birds was thinking upon making this!! NOW uh this all was inspired by the song mentioned previously and yeah!! (Also small thing i wanna mention but i personally like to believe Robins brother, Rodney, is the one singing here, out of greif and anger, but thats just my personal silly thought hehe- >:3) BUT i am so SO happy with how this came out!! There are a few things i messed up BUT I DONT CARE THIS MAKES ME FEEL ACCOMPLISHED AND I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKED THIS!! Seriously i hope yall thought it was as cool as i thought it was :3 Anywho, goodbye and i hope yall liked this!! :DD

(Also side note: not to be annoying but please reblog this- i spent literal hours making this and im really happy with how this came out and i would appreciate it if you could reblog this- you don’t have to BUT i would still appreciate it!!! Ty <333 -sincerely, a tired Duck)

[cat-fire]

How is Saezuru Tori Wa Habatakanai a game changer for content aimed at mature audience – Notes on Yashiro #1

I took some time to write in the middle of a gloomy afternoon. I started from my thought that Saezuru Tori Wa Habatakanai (both manga and anime) is an unique piece that forever has changed the quality of content aimed at mature audiences, but I ended up writing about Yashiro and why he is one of the best written characters that I’ve ever seen.

It will be a long text and you already know that I am not a native English speaker, but I am trying my best, so bare with me. I have so much to say, that I could not fit everything in one post. Expect more to come, but due to my busy work schedule I can only write once a week. Thank you! 

Disclaimer: There will be talks about abuse, rape, explicit sexual content, and I won’t refrain from using words like f and d. So it might be a lot of fucks and dicks. Also, a lot of personal side notes ahead.

[keep reading ♡♡♡]🖤🚬

I will analyze from a personal view the most important perceived elements of Yoneda Kou’s work, altogether with their perceived impact on content aimed at mature audience. In order to avoid any confusion that might occur due to my, at times, ambiguous manner of writing, I’ve decided to split my ideas into sections/headers which will highlight the main points. If anything gets foggy, I will gladly fragment it and explain it the best I can, later.

We’re living in an era where content is stored and shared everywhere. Content looks like a deep and wide ocean. Right before I watched Saezuru Tori Wa Habatakanai for the first time, I was looking to consume something romantic-but-controversial, dramatic, slow-paced and engaging, but with a tint of action, a need of mine that shows on Netflix, HBO or any other largely consumed broadcasting platform could not fulfill anymore.

I know for sure that too much existing content can be overwhelming. But is it really “this much content” quality content? The question is food for thought. With the illusion of endless choices in mind and at a click distance, it’s surprising to find out that there is so little content on topics like mature-romance-drama-action. This being said, I do not aim to compare Saezuru with anything else, as I know there are maybe other titles within the same tag (however, they are different!), and I don’t want any sort of bias to perpetuate and create divided opinions. Instead of comparing to other titles, I’d rather focus on why Saezuru is unique.

Even though Saezuru gives us the impression that it is niched on a certain audience, you have to hear me out how unique and amazing it is, that even while included within a huge scope of media entertainment, it still ticks the box for appeal on a larger audience. Larger than manga lovers. Larger than BL and romance lovers. I deliberately chose this term “content for mature audience” because I think that Saezuru perfectly fits it, more than it fits BL manga/ yaoi tag. 

Saezuru has endless potential and I am writing this because I want to see and hear more of it in the future. I wouldn’t mind a visual novel with Yashiro and Doumeki, more movies, or a long anime series. I see it as a game changer because it creates, through a series of elements well thought and put together, a genre on its own whose complexity makes it so difficult to put a label on, which ultimately is the source of its power over conventional content.

There are certain elements that make Saezuru what it is: art. We’re going to follow in-depth and with examples 2 important elements: development of characters and immersion. These two elements are interconnected, but I will attempt to discuss them divided. Looking from a far, it does not seem like much, but they are major game changers.

1.   Development of characters

Overview

There is no doubt that Yoneda Sensei’s characters feel alive. They breathe, take each step, weather and suffer more than you’d think it’s possible, in a manner that looks beyond convincing to the audience. Each of their fights will leave them with scars, and scars as physical features are an important symbol in the chosen appeal for realism. Needless to say, scars, under the emotional and mental umbrella, are present, bold, and they hurt. Sensei just knows how to depict everything with intensity and accuracy.

If you are watching the movie, or reading the manga for the first time, it’s going to literally sting how relatable Yashiro is, how real and raw Doumeki is, and how the other supporting and secondary characters are not just there by coincidence, but have a sustaining role in the atmosphere and story.

In the following section and further posts, emphasis is placed on Yashiro, but I’ve included key moments that capture the charm of all the other characters involved in the story, though I will treat Yashiro and Doumeki separately, putting each in light.

 Yashiro and his past self

Following the proposed logic with Yashiro, from the start, we can easily see that he is bound to be a pellicular main character, but relatable, without taking over the role of a “prince charming”, although objectively handsome looking. He does not have a linear evolution, his upsides and downsides happening at random times.

Yashiro has a turbulent life as a teenager, after suffering trauma from rape in his childhood, then gradually encountering hope after meeting Kageyama, just to be let down by his ignorance, and to ultimately follow the masochistic path that sculpted him into the person we see when he first meets Doumeki. The psychological tools used in shaping Yashiro are not unusual, but he, as a whole character, stands out. I always wanted to deep dive into what makes Yashiro so damn charming. There are several instances that stand out about him and scenes where his evolution/transformation curve is visible.

At the very start, Yashiro himself tells us that he is "twisted beyond repair" and enjoys pain because this is everything that he’s ever known, ever since his stepfather raped him at the age of 10. 

Kageyama was an important turn in his life as a young adult, as meeting him gave him the hope for a romantic relationship. Kageyama touches Yashiro’s scars in the doctor’s office and in the audiovisual room, but this stops as soon as he finds out that Yashiro was raped. Kageyama seems like the light at the end of the tunnel at first, but it turns out to be just the entrance for a pitch black pathway. He isn’t the salvation Yashiro hoped for. In fact, Yashiro does not even know what to hope for and what true salvation means, which mixed with his dark background, results in a depressing and hopeless spiral type of outcome. He also has no parents by his side. He's never had someone to guide him and warm his freezing heart during childhood. We might as well assume that Yashiro is broken from the beginning. But how broken, is it really beyond repair? I think that is not the case.

I found interesting how Yashiro’s idea of love is contoured around the time shown with Kageyama. Yashiro, after all the trauma, creates a liaison between sex and hatred, as they coexist in his mind and actions (= the famous defense mechanism). It is best shown when in love with Kageyama, he will imagine, and get turned on by a version of Kageyama that is vulnerable and helpless. Not by a dominant version that could, for instance, fuck him. 

“The Kageyama in my fantasy wasn’t on top or on bottom. He just cried.”

His true love interest is perceived as complete opposite of how he sees his dominator. But even more, Yashiro does not know how the opposite of pain feels like, so he is too afraid to find out as his defense kicks in. His love interest is never going to touch him the way that everyone who abuses him does. That’s why I don’t think he ever fantasized or had dreams about being penetrated by Kageyama, which, proves that violent sex is his main coping mechanism for his trauma. As a consequence, he is unable to romanticize sex or to make love with someone he has feelings for, as “making love” has no known meaning to him. Also, his basic emotional needs from childhood could not be fulfilled, because of the mistreatment that he received from his family, so he could not fully develop that side. This is why Yashiro can only look, sink into his thoughts, disconnect from the world and be an onlooker to his beloved Kageyama.

Here I would see fit to also point one thing: the scenes where Yashiro is lusting over Kageyama are so well made. They are absolutely flawless, and they show in a few panels the whole anguish, confusion and arousal of a troubled and lost kid, especially the moments when he runs and masturbates in the heat of the moment, thinking of Kage, away from everyone.

When Yashiro chokes on his regrets as he jerks off over and over... I could literally feel dark butterflies in my stomach and a metallic taste on my tongue. So expressive and graphic, I loved it.

Soon enough we find out that Kageyama doesn’t really care, and this realization of him not caring, gradually contributes to Yashiro’s mental state degradation. I cannot stop wondering what would have happened if Kageyama would have cared enough to protect Yashiro from further twisting the knife in his own wounds. Yashiro breaking down and crying because of Kageyama's ignorance is one heartbreaking thing, but knowing that Yashiro is biased and blind to the fact that Kageyama is one guy that half asses things in life, is another. A receipt of how Kageyama fucks it:

He gave wrong signals to Yashiro all along. You’re telling me that for two weeks, he touches his wounds because he has a fetish for marks, then he stops and never touches him again, and calls Yashiro just “a friend”. What if Yashiro isn’t simply twisted to fall for the first thing that appears as rescue, but instead, he gets those signals and understands them right to a point, just to be let down and have Kageyama take it all back, just because Kageyama is a coward himself who wouldn’t take things further. Might sound harsh, but Kageyama has always been a closeted gay and together with Yashiro’s zero self esteem, nothing good could come out of this relationship, not in the way that Yashiro wanted it. If we look at how things turned out with Kuga, and we compare Yashiro with Kuga, we can so easily see that Kuga pushed for the old man’s feelings, while Yashiro stood silent and chose to keep these feelings in himself. What if Yashiro pushed harder in high school for Kageyama’s reactions? What if Yashiro demanded and was a bit more pushy, just like Kuga did? But then again, seems at peace with his past, while Yashiro lives everyday with the consequences of his past, gets lost in these consequences and he constantly swallows them like cigarette smoke.

Kageyama does only half the things. He isn’t even paying attention to Yashiro and never really got to “know” the real him. That’s why he seems so ignorant and a dick. Even Kuga can figure out more about Yashiro at a glance, than Kageyama could in 20 years. It’s no doubt, I can see why Yashiro fell for this type that our doc is, but he is not even a good doctor to begin with. In “Don’t Stay Gold” his trembling hand and lack of accuracy while performing medical tasks proves this point. When he pulls the bullet out of that guy, it looks like he does not even know what he is doing. And even without pointing that out, he could not care less if something happens to Yashiro. He will be there to help, of course, but he will never leave the comfort zone. On top of that, Kageyama later claimed to have shown a lot of compassion towards Yashiro. I am struggling to see it and it hurts me, both as a reader and observer. 

 Bitterness aside, Kageyama just wanted to be normal, not associated with someone weird like Yashiro. It's fair in a way, but twisted and unfair in another way, because someone already damaged as Yashiro is, did not really deserve it. No human being deserves that. And... Being looked down on and feeling sorry for... Two things that happened before to Yashiro. Two things that he desp adores. Kageyama does them both. But guess what? After all Kageyama isn’t a bad guy, he is just human. And humans are not all black and white, they’re so many colors and shades, and they have good and bad in them. Kage is just human, whether we keep a grudge on him or not. One more point scored by Sensei’s realism, as it’s impossible to hate side characters.

And with all the loneliness, and all messed up, Yashiro is still showing compassion. Why? Because he shows up to the funeral of Kageyama’s dad, being there for his only friend when he literally has no idea how to show support because he never experienced having someone care for him. Yet, there he is. Broken, but not broken enough not to empathize.

Also, later on, another moving moment which shows how big of a heart Yashiro has, is when, on his path to enter Yakuza, he hears about the discussion about the old hospital that belonged to Kageyama’s family and begs Misumi not to sell the land. That scene equally shows the interest that Misumi starts to take in Yashiro, seeing Yashiro not moved an inch after he was beaten to almost death, but gets all on fire and begs when it comes to this. Here is about how selfless and ready to endure everything is Yashiro, even if betrayed and left on the sidelines every time.

Surrounded by the disappointment of rejection, Yashiro steals the contact lenses from Kageyama, but not to make him suffer. This act of theft is nothing but a symbol for his need for closure. Yashiro wanted to own something that could comfort him and be his, if Kageyama could not be his. A lot of great people on Tumblr explained so much better than me these aspects about the symbol that is the contact lenses case, so I am not going to insist on it. I really love how such a small recurring symbol was inserted into the story. It shows the idea that Yashiro is, in fact, sensitive.

“I am a wonderful actor”. 

In similar instances, he is full of contradictions, one moment he laughs, another he is dead serious around his crush. Unstable and tormented by what happens to him if he emotionally gets hurt by the soon to be doctor, he finds relief in pain from sex with older men. And later on, he is plotting on making Kuga and Kageyama meet, just to give himself a lot of pain seeing Kageyama finally falling in love with a man. Yashiro isn’t only an actor, but he is a great observer himself. He knows exactly what his type and movements will be, so he knows how to act till the end, when he can finally push himself to accept that Kageyama will never be his man.

What I really wanted to say by showing all these examples, is that Yashiro is so much more than his trauma and so much more than he is perceived by Kage. His complexity goes beyond the expectation of just a broken kid with a "fucked up past". Sadly, he is the only one blinded, not capable to see inside of himself, mostly because of what others did to him. At some point he says that it's no one's fault for his past, and that alone speaks volumes about the person that he is. He took all the blame on himself and continues to carry on as a side observer to his own life.

Fast forward the described scenes, some feelings remain dormant as Yashiro gets into the Yakuza, but I think daddy Misumi takes care of certain aspects of Yashiro, and thanks to him, they’re not lost forever. The dynamic between Yashiro and Misumi is another interesting topic.

Misumi is, well, both a daddy and a dad for Yashiro. It’s so intriguing to read everything that Yashiro went through when he first got into the Yakuza, and for sure, how Misumi saved Yashiro in all the ways that he could have been saved. He gave him a place to stay, and he gave him a bit of worth after partially convincing him not to sleep around with every single person, when they could simply sleep together. Misumi could give Yashiro the violence he was hungry for in bed, but he also could give him the affectionate care of a parent, because I’m pretty sure that Misumi loves Yashiro like his own son. He believed in Yashiro the way he was, even though he met him while he was at his lowest, being fucked by an entire gang and covered in cum. Here I think Yashiro’s recklessness, charm and not giving a fuck energy, played a major role in seducing Misumi, and by seducing I mean... More than just getting hard at the sight of Yashiro.

 This just turned from a character analysis to I LOVE Misumi so much and everything he’s ever done for Yashiro. And honestly, I hold myself not to insert the image of Ryuzaki hearing how fucking good Yashiro looks after being taken under Misumi’s wing. Thinking of how in love Ryuzaki is with Yashiro, it makes me kind of excited to see his reaction.

Before meeting Doumeki, Yashiro has a few more details worth mentioning:

Self neglect habits, which can be linked to his depression. I am sure that Yashiro skips meals, especially in the days before Misumi took him under his wing, when he was fucked by Ryuzaki's gang. Maybe he doesn't get enough sleep from the way I see him at times, and he lacks overall the self care that he needs and constantly falls into the dark haul of hating himself not leaving any time for nourishment. 

Yashiro is a heavy smoker, that is a detail that can equally reflect 2 things: he is trying to escape through his addiction, but smoking is also part of his interesting personality, a detail that makes him versatile. He smokes since high school, so this habit has been there for long enough to become part of him, maybe as another way to cope with trauma. Just like all the coping with trauma through sex.

Yashiro is not a monster; after all he becomes a successful man who’s got so many desirable attributes, yakuzas would kill for. I think that even while twisted beyond repair, hopeless and left behind, our Sensei left space for Yashiro to be able to empathize and feel love, even in the moment t0. He just doesn’t know it yet, because no one truly loved him. But what we do know, however, is that he always wanted to be loved.

I will conclude this post by saying that Yashiro changes a lot from high school up to entering in Doushinkai, so he was not stagnant at all before meeting Doumeki. He is not ready for love, but he refrained a bit from the gang bang and sex with just anyone. He does it smarter now. His dynamics with the other characters, his own struggles and past, and the position that he got within the group, remain all connected to his wonderful charm. It overall seems like there is no side character that is left untouched by Yashiro’s beauty, and as a result most of the people he crossed paths with, either bear feelings or admiration for him. Ok, maybe not Hirata. But the plot is so exciting, I could not even imagine that a character like Yashiro could reunite politics and affairs around such an immersive circle.

- to be continued - 

[struggling-with-time]

Mother’s aren’t always the best [Corpse x reader]

Paring: Corpse husband x female!reader (platonic)

Summary: You’re the youngest in the group and recently moved out. When your mother decides to pay you a visit while you’re streaming.

Warnings: Angst, fighting, yelling. Big bro Corpse, kinda abusive mom

Words: 1.5k

A/N: My job just cut my hours in half, so yay. If anyone want to, I have a Ko-fi in my bio, if you buy a fic through there you get to skip the queue. I know it’s not a lot, but it’s only if you want to of course! <3 Also I’ve wanted to write this for quite a bit

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You have recently finally moved out from your home and is now able to stream on a schedule and far more often. While living at home your mother had been very against the mere thought of her daughter putting herself out there on the internet. Which meant you have had to tiptoe around when you wanted to stream. Only being able to do so when she left you home alone. The only good thing about having a single mom, was that she worked a lot. So that meant a lot of alone time.

You’ve never really gotten along with her. The two of you having very different views on life, she wanted you to grow up and be a pretty girl, you were supposed to study social science, and get a project of your own, and while doing so you were supposed to meet the guy you would eventually marry, and give her grandkids with.

However, that’s not really what you want to do with your life. Despite only being able to stream when you’re all alone and having to chuck your entire set up into the shirt drawer, knowing your mother wouldn’t go through your drawer as one of the only things. You had managed to build up a small following.

“Hey guys! Sorry for the delay, I wasn’t able to find my microphone.” You tell on stream, and to the group in the discord call.

“Are you settling in nicely Y/N?” Corpse asks, the two of you have been talking behind your mothers back for quite a while, he has become like the big brother you’ve never had.

“Yeah, I still have couple of boxes lying around…” You look around your small one-bedroom apartment. You only have your dining table, two chairs, and your bed set up. And your dining table have been converted into a streaming set up. So, there’s that too. You are lucky enough to have a small hallway, that leads to a bathroom at the end, and the kitchen on your right, and the bedroom/living room on the left.

“I take that you haven’t done any packing out yet.” Corpse chuckles.

“Hehe… Yeah… I haven’t gotten everything out, so I have ordered some takeout, that will sadly arrive here during steam, in about…” You look at the clock, “in about half an hour.”

“Then let’s get started!” Rae says, as the countdown starts.

You get through the first round of among us alive, and wining as crewmates, you’re about halfway through the second game of the day when your doorbells goes off in the middle of discussing.

“Sorry guys, I’ll just go grab my food.” You apologise, and gets up from your chair, leaving your microphone behind, thinking it’s muted.

You open your door, with your wallet in hand, and takes a step back when you realise who’s on the other side. It’s your mom. The one who you moved halfway across the country to get away from. The one who you didn’t give your address to.

She looks angry, and more than pissed off. You know she is going to start a screaming match right here. In the hallway of your new apartment complex, only 4 days into your lease.

“WHAT THE #@!$ IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” She starts off, a normal way to greet your daughter of course. “I GIVE YOU SHELTER AND FOOD ON THE TABLE FOR 18 YEARS AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?!”

You take another step into your apartment, knowing if it comes to it that you must push the door in her face. She will win that fight.

“HAVEN’T I BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?! YOU UP AND LEAVE ME, ALL ALONE! YOU DON’T GO TO THE COLLEGE I CHOSE FOR YOU! YOU GO AGAINST ALL MY RULES!”  She’s screaming right at you, you can feel yourself starting to shake. “And I know your little secret, you think you could keep it from me, huh? You think I am stupid don’t you. I know you’ve been selling your self on the internet for money.” You can feel tears are starting to come, this is what she thought you were doing.

She throws down a binder of some sorts on the ground, making you jump a little. “You’re not my daughter anymore. I refuse to have someone as disgusting as you even share my last name. Here’s everything you need from me to change it.”  

You watch as she passes your delivery guy, who looks at you awkwardly with tears streaming down your cheeks and a shocked look on your face. He puts down your order, and slowly walks away again.

You get yourself together after a few minutes, enough to close the door, and pick up the binder and food. You dump the food on your table, along with the binder. You run your hands over your face, before you pick up your headset, and try to act as chipper as ever, not having noticed you never muted your mic.

“Sorry for the long break, had to fix a smaller cable issue, but I’m all good now!” You don’t look at chat, instead you focus everything you can on keeping your energy up, and not for anyone to notice you’re not doing the best.

“Y/N are you alright?” Corpse asks, extremely worried over the fact that he just heard you get disowned by your own mother.

“Yes, of course, I’m always doing good!” Your voice shoving no hints to what everyone and their own mothers head. You watch as your phone gets a call from Corpse. “I think the next game have to wait a bit longer if everyone is cool with that?”

Everyone agrees they’re cool, nobody knows what to say after hearing what just happened. You mute your microphone properly this time. Before picking up your phone.

“Hey there.”

“We just talked Corpse, get to the point, we shouldn’t let the others wait for us for too long.” You tease him.

“We all heard?”

���Heard what?”

“Y/N I’m so sorry.” You can hear his voice crack a bit, and you can feel yourself edging a breakdown.

“It’s okay, we all knew it was coming at one point or the other.” You dryly laugh, trying to get out of the topic.

“We both know she’ll be back by next week, it’s not safe there.” He worries, you can hear him already stressing at the thought.

“I can’t exactly move. I blew everything I had by getting this place.” Your voice is slowly starting to crack and you know if you keep talking. You won’t be able to get back on stream.

“Then stay at me, I have a cough. It’s not safe there. She only yelled this time. But who knows what else she might try to pull?” You listen to Corpse, and subconsciously wrap an arm around yourself, still able to feel the bruises from when she hit you, because she found a stack of cash you had been saving up for yourself to get out. You break down sobbing.

“Y/N are you still with me?”

“Y-yes.” Your voice reaches through the phones, nearly covered by sobs.

“Can you get up for me? I need you to turn off your stream, okay? You’re not going back on there for tonight.”

You shake as you push the right button abruptly stopping the stream and leaving the discord call.

“Good.” It comes from the phone. “Let’s get you to bed.” He talks you through the tasks you have to do. Helping to distract you from the bad thing. He stays on the phone worried for you all night, until you’ve tired yourself out enough to fall asleep on the call. He wishes he could help more as he hangs up the phone. Knowing he’s the last of your support system. As the call end, it leaves you alone in the world. Now mother and fatherless.

[zedecksiew]

Sentimental thoughts about the OSR

OSR -- Old School Renaissance? Revival? A style of making and playing games, where the focus is on the experience of shared imagined space, not narrative plots or arcs.

A style fostered by a community.

That community was ugly. Many alt-right-leaning white dudes. It sheltered abusers, like Zak S -- a person who, to my shame, I'd been a fan of.

That community was good. Many key figures were queer / trans. More so (to my impression) than any other RPG community (even other indie groups). Non-white folks, like me.

The popular TTRPG eye remembers the OSR for its ugliness, not its inclusivity. Probably because the assholes were loud. And because the non-white / cis / het-ness of folks was rarely advertised as a community selling-point: "Look at how diverse we are!"

The latter aspect made me feel welcomed. My work -- entirely informed by my SEA context, as it's always been -- got attention based on its merit, not its topicality.

+

The OSR as I joined it was based on blogs, and on G+. When G+ was shut down, the community had a diaspora.

You hear about BOSR (British OSR), or NOSR / NuSR. You used to hear about SWORDDREAM? I think FKR (the Free Kriegsspiel Revival) is an offshoot of the old community? There are a million Discord channels. Questing Beast, on Youtube.

The blogs are still going strong.

I can't keep track of all the places folks have ended up. I do feel bad about that -- that I'm less community-oriented, that I work more in isolation, now. I squat Twitter mostly. Twitter is not a good place for a creative community.

But it is what it is.

+

An article Ewan Wilson was writing about the OSR got spiked at Polygon. I was one of the folks he emailed questions to.

Ewan's questions prompted this bout of sentimentality, I guess?

Here are bits from email I wrote him, in reply:

+

The OSR scene began on blogs? That's certainly how I discovered it. I can actually remember the specific post that hooked me:

Patrick Stuart / False Machine, reading James C Scott's "The Art Of Not Being Governed" -- a history of the Zomia region of mainland Southeast Asia, a place of fluid cultures and peoples that have traditionally resisted the settled states surrounding it -- riffing on the historical information in Scott's book, spinning them into RPG campaign ideas.

+

A facet of the OSR scene is its willingness to use popular rulesets as a shared language.

Dungeons & Dragons (tm) not as a WOTC corporate property, but D&D as a community vernacular. (And D&D is just one example.)

Folks like Emmy Allen and Luka Rejec have talked about this quite eloquently, I think?

I think the OSR prioritises making stuff for games rather than crafting the bestest, most elegantly-designed game possible. If you are stuck arguing about which language works best for poetry, you'll never get to the point where you actually start making and sharing verse.

+

I associate the OSR style with possibility, too. I'm not sure why.

Mainstream WOTC D&D is trapped in a self-referential loop, recycling its own Forgotten Realms-adjacent tropes. Then you have the vast forest of licensed RPGs: "Alien: The RPG", "Avatar: The RPG"; "[Insert Popular Nerd IP Here]: The RPG".

Many indie-RPG communities prize genre-emulation -- here's a game where you can mimic the narrative shape of a slasher film; an urban-fantasy novel; Legend of Zelda.

Not that there is anything wrong with this. But if emulation is where you start and end you doom RPGs to a secondary role -- forever in the shadow of other arts.

For sure the OSR has its pop-culture and games-media touchstones; the scene loves to riff on metal album covers and Dark Souls a lot.

But I'd argue that -- relative to other RPG subcommunities, in my experience -- OSR creators are willing to push further down the rabbit-holes of their particular obsessions more often.

So, yes: Dark Souls and metal music. But also references weirder, personal, and as-yet-untapped: Zomia, punk zines, walks in backyard forests, Birkenhead folklore, the Permian Period, Moebius, East Malaysian myth --

Composted together to the point they become game things utterly unlike anything else, and the stories / experiences you can have in those game things you can have nowhere else.

+

The blogs are still going strong.

Today I was reading this series of posts, a theory-based critique at D&D, the OSR, and games design in general:

"the goal of what we call "old-school play" is not to create a story but to traverse a fantastic space guided by desire, such that any story which emerges is incidental and retrospective (much like stories that emerge from 'real life'). edwards prescribes that the goal of play is to create a story, elevates this prescription into a truth about play as such, and then claims that players who do not play with this aim actually fail to meet this aim because they are mentally damaged. perhaps this can be remedied by playing the correct game, or maybe not, but regardless the implication is that by playing the correct game, one can avoid brain damage.

my take is to not let salespeople convince you that you must buy their products to be politically or mentally correct, and on the flip side do not entitle yourself to the enjoyment of other people."

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4. All four are worth reading.

Today I was also reading the very first OSR blogpost I ever read, about Zomia. It is still as good as it was, six years ago:

"The Lisu, aside from insisting that they kill assertive chiefs, have a radically abbreviated oral history. "Lisu forgetting, Jonsson claims, "is as active as Lua and Mien remembrance." he implies that the Lisu chose to have virtually no history and that the effect of this choice was to "leave no space for the active role of supra-household structures, such as villages or village clusters in ritual life, social organizations, or the mobilisation of peoples attention, labour or resources."

18 Radically forgetting tribes. How far can you push that? Ancestor free tribes, then further away, one-year tribes, then in the reaches of the deeps, the one-day, impossible even to understand as they remember only for one day.

Patrick's blog turned 10 this week.

The blogs are still going strong.

[princecosmosanon]

Secondhand Hearts - A Zukka Omegaverse AU

In my post about other fic ideas, I originally described this one as “Omegaverse fic where Zuko is banished like in the show, but Ozai also gives him away to Zhao” which, I admit, is pretty vague and says jackshit about the actual goings on in the fic. But I’ve actually thought a lot about this AU, and it’s one I’ve had in my head for the longest time.

This is also kinda the completely opposite of the Piandao/Zuko fic I’m currently writing, Heaven Sent/Hellbent.

Before anyone gets too far ahead of themselves diving into my notes here, I do want to stress that in this fic Zhao is an evil, awful, irredeemably terrible person. Do not think that I in any way condone what I have him do in my fics. With that being said, please mind the following warning.

Warnings for this one include: physical/mental/emotional abuse, rape/non-con, child marriage, arranged/forced marriage/mating, mentioned pedophilia, traumatic pregnancy/childbirth, racism/classism, and slutshaming towards Omega. If any of these topics are triggering for you, please do not continue any further.

Background: As I mentioned before, this story begins with the premise of Zuko being shipped away from home after his father burns him in the Agni Kai, but with a sick twist. Zuko was also given to Zhao, as he had been recently presented as an Omega, and Ozai thought, what better way to curb Zuko’s “rebellion” then by putting him under the thumb of one of his most trusted loyalists? Zhao is an Alpha already shown to be cut from the same cloth as Ozai, and with Zuko married off Ozai could focus his efforts more fully in the war and bringing Azula up as he wished.

Zhao was just as harsh and demanding of Zuko as Ozai expected. While recovering from the burn, Zuko could do little about Zhao’s advances. Zuko already had a mating bite on his neck by the time he finally was able to remove the bandages from his face, and any time he might have tried to escape, Zhao merely had to Alpha Command Zuko to stand down. Once Zuko managed to convince one of the Alpha crew of Zhao’s ship to help him escape but the plan was discovered, the Alpha was executed, and Zuko was commanded to never speak when an Alpha or Beta could hear him again. (Of course, this meant Zuko could only talk to other Omega, but that was more of a cruel joke of Zhao’s because there are no Omega on his or any other Fire Nation ship, and Omega are rare enough it was unlikely Zuko would ever encounter an Omega without another Alpha or Beta around.) This was when Zuko had barely turned 14.

Years passed like this, Zuko practically chained to Zhao’s bed, but something strange happened when Zuko turned 19, which is where the Story Begins: Despite having waged war against the Earth Kingdom and won many battles, suddenly the letters from home stopped. Not that Zuko received letters but he recognized the seal of the Fire Lord, and Zhao had stopped receiving orders for several months.

Zhao then got it in his head to return home but only after taking another prize for the Fire Nation as a gift for the Fire Lord. He decided to invade the Norther Water Tribe, which had mostly managed to stay neutral during the war by keeping its borders closed. Zhao pleaded with them to allow his boat to dock and relieve his crew’s exhaustion, but the real clencher for their sympathy was Zuko, who at this point was very heavily pregnant. It wouldn’t be safe for him to give birth on the open sea without more than a naval surgeon to see to him, or at least, that was the story.

As it was, Zuko really was pregnant but he could see an evil plan from Zhao a mile away. Desperate to actually do something to stop his mate from destroying a beautiful, thriving community, Zuko chose to play the perfect, demure Omega while there (not far off from how he normally acted at this point, considering he so rarely had the freedom to take matters into his own hands) and waited to gain enough trust to be left alone with only his “escort,” a Water Tribe Alpha sent to basically spy on Zuko’s and Zhao’s chambers on the premise he was there to “guard” a precious, pregnant Omega.

This Alpha was Sokka, who had been living with the Northern tribe for several years at this point. He and Katara had revived the once-lost Avatar from a block of ice as children, but being encased in ice had some dire effects on the last living Airbender. Aang needed more help than the Southern tribe could provide, but leaving meant abandoning their last remaining families, which wasn’t ideal either. It was eventually decided that everyone remaining of the South Tribe would pack the rest of their meager belongings and plead to return to the North. It was a treacherous journey, but they managed to make it mostly unscathed.

With Aang still recovering and remembering himself, the tribe rallied around the young man and helped to hide him amongst themselves. Sokka had been training more to be a warrior, and Katara had been training secretly to learn how to fight as a waterbender. Yue, at this point already mated to Hahn, is also pregnant with her second child. And it’s with these players in place that the Fire Nation infiltrate the Northern Tribe for Zuko’s last month of pregnancy. It’s not going to be easy to win over a mistrustful, foreign Alpha, especially when Zuko can’t talk, but through Sokka he hopes to stop another genocide by undermining his own Alpha’s plans, while still not fully understanding them himself.

This story is going to take a LOT of planning, I’m really going to have to hammer down my timelines in this fic before I even attempt to write it, but it would entail some interesting interactions. Zuko is at a huge disadvantage, but he’s the only person who can save them.

I also really like the idea of also giving Zuko a stutter and some selective mutism even when he doesn’t have to worry about Betas and Alphas around him. Just throw in another wrench into the works, see how he can overcome the odds stacked against him. The story would also have an aftermath part, where Sokka, Katara, Zuko and Aang leave the Northern Water Tribe eventually, but I have little thought out into all of that.

Anyway, that’s it for now.

[starshine-hockey-girl]

Full Disclosure- Journey to the Emerald City

Author’s Note- This is probably the darkest chapter in the Teddy/Lex story in terms of content and angst. Please don’t judge the therapy portions of the chapter. It’s probably not totally authentic. I promise happy endings for Teddy and Lex though. 

Word count - 8.5K (Sorry it got a little long)

@hockeyunits @miranda0102 @newlibrary @mattytkachuk19​

Content Warnings- Alcohol Use; Mentions/Descriptions of Physical/Mental/Verbal/Emotional Abuse and Sexual Assault; Intercourse; Oral Sex; SMUT

January 3rd, 2019

Teddy held Lex's hand as they exited the therapist's office. They walked quietly to his truck and he opened the door for her. She looked down and didn't make eye contact as she passed in front of him. He grabbed her by the waist and pulled her to him, "You're upset Bliss. Tell me why." 

She kept her head down, "I am sorry that you have to do this with me, Lex. I know that it's not your thing."

Lex took a deep sigh, "Maybe it could be my thing. It's just a new skill for me to learn. Also I don't HAVE to do this. I suggested it because both of us need it, not just you. I chose to do this with you."

Teddy looked up into eyes, "You really mean that?"

Lex smiled, "Yes, I think it was very helpful to me. I have a lot to learn about expressing my emotions. You are way more smarter at this stuff than me. You gotta teach me."

Teddy smiled, "You are a natural at it already. You really went deep."

Lex laughed, "That's what she said."

Teddy rolled her eyes, "Funny. You are a funny man."

Later that night, Lex took Teddy out for a belated birthday dinner since he was on the road on her actual birthday. He wanted to take her somewhere swanky, but she requested casual and low-key. They ended up at their favorite hole in the wall Italian place. After Lex placed their appetizer order, Teddy took a big gulp of her cocktail and asked, "Do you really think you will be back in the lineup tomorrow night?" She watched him intently as he considered his answer.

"I think so based on the conversations I have had with coaches. Winnipeg is a big, physical team so they will want me in there," he said casually. Teddy grimaced at the word physical which she knew translated to big hits and possibly fighting. It would be his first game back in the line-up after being cleared from the concussion protocol and being a healthy scratch. Lex noted her reaction and pressed on, "What are you thinking Bliss?"

"Physical meaning what? Hitting and checking or fighting? Do you think you will have to fight anyone?" she said quietly. 

Lex thought for a moment, "I don't know. I wish I could tell you definitely no, but I can’t make that promise to you. I do know that, unlike the Washington game, there is no one looking to fight me." They stared at each other, lost in their own thoughts and contemplating their next words. They were both tempted to suppress their thoughts and move on to a more neutral, less painful topic. Both knew that they couldn't.

"Are you scared Lex?" Teddy finally asked timidly.

"A little bit." he said quickly as he placed his hand on top of hers, "Are you scared?"

"A little bit," she answered, "Not as much as I thought I would be though. The first game is going to be hard, but I know that you have a job to do and that you are good at it. If you are worried about me and my reaction, it will be harder for you to focus, right?" Lex nodded his head yes. "How about we try our plan again? I won't watch the game and you can call me when it's all over?"

"Sounds like a good plan, but eventually, I want you to be able to watch a game, Bliss. It means a lot to me when you do," he reminded her. 

Teddy grabbed his hand. "If you need me to watch this game, I will-absolutely."

"No, you set a perfectly reasonable limit. I respect that, just eventually I would like to watch one again," He tried to smile. 

Teddy felt the anxiety building in her, "This is hard- so fucking hard," she whimpered. Lex kissed her hand and inched closer to kiss her cheek and forehead, "Yes, but we can do hard things." 

"Yes, we can. I am proud of us for talking about it. Look at us using our therapy skills," she smiled at him. 

Lex grinned and took a big gulp of beer, "Sorry your birthday has been a bust this year. I was hoping to make it better than last year."

Teddy leaned towards him and put her hand on his thigh, "I don't think it's a total bust yet. I am going to stuff myself with pasta, get a little tipsy and go home and make love to my favorite person." 

Lex wiggled his eyebrows, "I like the way you think Bliss."

January 4, 2019

Teddy waited at home for Lex’s post game call. She had spent most of the evening focused on filming content and editing. She willed herself not to google the game and not to continue to watch the clock. When she saw his name light up on her phone, she grabbed it quickly. 

Lex: Hey Bliss Babe

Teddy: You’re okay?

Lex: Not a scratch on me, Bliss. 

Teddy: Come home. I am going to have to do a very thorough body search to ensure that you are injury free. I am particularly concerned about the pelvic area. 

Lex: Yes ma’am. Be home soon. 

Teddy: When you get home, I have an idea I want to run by you.

Lex: Sounds good. See you soon.

Teddy: Hey Lex- I'm really proud of you.

Lex: Why?

Teddy: Because you did the scary thing. Love you so much.

Lex: Love you too.

Teddy leapt to her feet when she heard his key in the door. By the time Lex was completely in the door, Teddy jumped into his arms, "Lex!" He let out a hearty laugh as she showered his face with kisses, "You're home!!!"

Lex set her down gently, "Bliss, why are you so happy?" 

Teddy grabbed his hands and jumped up and down, “I am happy because you are home safe and sound. I am also happy that you won. Mostly I am hoping that I can convince you to go along with my plan."

Lex raised an eyebrow, "What's the plan?"

Teddy clapped her hands together, "I want to go back to St. Thomas during All Star break. We can go just us or we can invite Johnsy and Taylor"

"Hell yes! Let's invite Johnsy and Taylor. It will be good for him to get away" he cheered.

"Now, get in the bedroom. I have a very thorough examination to complete. Strip down Oleksiak!" 

"When did you get so bossy, Bliss?" He laughed as started to strip his clothes while walking into the bedroom.

She laughed, "I've always been bossy. Are you just now noticing?" She pushed him onto the bed and climbed onto his lap. She playfully tossed his hair before kissing the scar from his fight with Wilson. Lex hummed as she peppered his face with kisses before moving to his jaw. She moved onto his shoulders, lighting nibbling his collarbone, causing him to yelp. 

"Bliss, I thought you were supposed to be inspecting me for injuries, not causing them," he laughed. She stuck out her tongue and moved off of his lap in-between his legs. She took her tongue and slid it over his pectoral muscle, making a circle around his nipple, before taking it between her teeth. He hissed in pleasure and she felt his cock hard against her stomach. His fingers wrapped into her curls and he pulled back slightly to see her face. She licked her lips and bent over, taking the tip of his cock into her mouth and sucking methodically. "Damn Bliss, your mouth feels amazing." Her tongue swirled as her rhythmic movements began. She varied the speed and intensity, just the way that he liked. She took a moment to breathe before taking his entire length into her mouth. His grip on her hair tightened and he pulled harder, jerking her head back. Her eyes flashed upward and she gasped in panic. 

She tapped his hands and shook her head swiftly, "Let go Lex". His hands did not move and they pushed her head ever so slightly forward. She leaned back against his gasp, "I said let go Lex." Her hands went to her hair and she pulled his hands off her head with force. His eyes grew big and her words registered in his mind. He opened his mouth to speak and she held up her hand to stop him. She bent over and started her actions again. She took his hands and interlaced her fingers with his. She gently squeezed his hand as her mouth expertly got him off. She let go of his hand and wrapped her hands around his cock. "Lex, I need you to talk to me. Tell me that I am doing okay. Anything to get me out of my head," she asked softly. 

"Bliss, I love your mouth on me. You drive me crazy with your tongue. Don't stop. Do you want me to cum in your mouth? I want to cum for you," he panted. "Baby, suck me. Suck it hard, just like that. That's just how I like it."

Teddy got lost in the rhythm and sound of Lex's voice. Her hands and mouth worked feverishly until he exploded into her mouth. She smiled as felt it going down her throat and looked up with a bashful smile. "Bliss, come here. I want to kiss you," Lex whispered. She climbed back onto his lap and kissed him softly. She then wrapped her legs around his waist and pressed her body into his, nuzzling his neck. "Do you want to talk about it, Babe? I know something happened." he asked gently. 

She drew in a deep breath, "Chaz used to grab me by the hair and push my mouth down on him when he felt I wasn't participating enthusiastically enough for his satisfaction. According to him, I suck at blowjobs. No pun intended"

"Shit, I triggered you?" Lex frowned, "Why didn't you stop me? You could have stopped Bliss if I frightened you."

Teddy sighed, "because I am not going to let him have that sort of control in my life. I KNOW I am good at blowjobs because you told me that and your body shows it. I wanted to give you a blowjob because listening to you cum is the best feeling. Knowing that you want me and that I please you makes me happy." She looked into his eyes, "BUT you have to listen to me when I talk to you. I know that you were distracted, but I tried communicating with you. I don't want you to beat yourself up, but try to listen better?"

Lex nodded, "Was it the hands in your hair, the tug or all of it combined?"

Teddy shrugged, "All of it combined."

Lex whispered, "It will never happen again. You know I would never hurt Bliss, right?"

Teddy looked down, "Yeah, but my brain remembers when I did get hurt and reacts. Can we talk about it in therapy? I can see if she can squeeze us in tomorrow afternoon. I think it's time I told you everything about Chaz. It will help you understand what happened more."

Lex kissed her cheek, "I'm ready if you are. I love you."

Teddy nuzzled his neck, "Love is not a big enough word for how I feel about you. I do know that you would rather cut off your arm than intentionally hurt me. I am safe with you. I am tired though. Can you cuddle me to sleep?

January 5, 2019

Teddy walked nervously into their therapist's office with Lex close behind. Teddy was dressed casually in a Penguins hoodie and leggings, hair up in a ponytail. Lex was dressed in jeans and gray hoodie. Lex had a grim smile. When they both sat on the couch, Teddy instinctively reached for Lex’s large hand and he offered it freely. In her mid-forties, Caroline sat comfortably in her arm chair and reached for her legal pad to take notes. “So Teddy texted that you’ve had an issue come up that required some immediate assistance. How can I help you?” 

Lex looked at Teddy and shrugged, “You me to start or do you want to start?”

Teddy blinked, “You can start if you want. I would be interested in hearing your perspective.”

Lex chuckled softly, “Just push me into the deep end there, Teddy.” Teddy flinched and he immediately said, “It was a joke, Teddy. Bad joke, but a joke. I guess I am more nervous than I thought.” He rubbed Teddy’s hand softly. 

“Let me start then and you can interject,” Teddy offered. 

“We had a good couple of days after our first session. That night we celebrated my birthday and had a pretty productive conversation about Lex’s return to the ice last night. We agreed that I wouldn’t attend the game so that Lex could focus on the game and not worry about me. He called after the game to let me know that everything went well. He came home, we chatted for a bit and then we started having sex. I was giving him a blowjob, “ Teddy paused as Lex squirmed in his seat. 

Caroline interjected, “Just a reminder that this isn’t a place of judgement, Jamie.” 

Lex blushed and Teddy continued, “I think that we were both enjoying the experience. Lex wrapped his fingers in my hair and pulled back right before I began. It was fine. Then as it continued, his fingers wrapped tight and it felt like my head was jerked back. It was probably more forceful than he intended, but I was triggered by the action.”

Caroline asked, “Triggered in what way? What did you feel at that moment?”

Teddy continued, “Chaz used to pull my hair during sex to ‘punish’ me if he felt I wasn't being enthusiastic enough during it. I felt frightened and scared. I asked Lex to let go and he didn't, which made me begin to panic. I repeated it and then removed his hands from my hair myself. I then continued with the blowjob, but had a ton of negative self talk going on so I asked him to talk to me. He did and I calmed down and finished."

Caroline asked, "Jamie, what were your thoughts?"

"Then or now?" He asked quietly.

"Either- whatever you want to discuss, " she replied calmly.

"At that moment, I was confused. I knew something happened, that she was upset, but didn't know what to do. I tried to ask but she waved me off. I was relieved when she asked me to talk to her because it seemed like she had moved on from whatever I did. Then I got not exactly mad-but something- about her continuing to do it when she had been triggered. We talked about it afterwards which helped, but I still don't understand. She could have stopped me at any time. Why didn't you stop me Bliss?" Lex replied quietly.

Teddy looked at her hands, then to Caroline and finally to Lex, “You’re mad? At me?”

Lex sighed, “Maybe mad isn’t the right word. Frustrated, confused, sad- I feel a lot of things right now.” 

Teddy felt heart begin to race, tears pricking her eyes and her legs began to bounce restlessly. 

Caroline spoke softly, “Teddy, how are you feeling right now?”

Teddy whispered, “Terrified”

Caroline prodded, “Terrified of what?”

Teddy whispered, “That is the beginning of the end. Lex is going to decide that this is not worth it, that I am not worth it and he can find someone better and easier. Someone who isn’t fucking broken. He is going to leave me or want me to leave him.”

Lex interjected, “That’s not fair Bliss. That’s not fair to me. I didn’t come into this relationship blind, you know. I knew that you had issues and struggles, but I am here. I am not leaving. I don’t want to leave and I don’t know how to convince you otherwise.”

Caroline interrupted, “Let’s take a breath. You’re both feeling some pretty big and scary emotions right now. Here is what I am observing. Teddy, you seem to be stuck in a cycle. You have intense feelings of shame and unworthiness. You work very hard to overcome those feelings, but they exist very close to the surface and get triggered easily. When you become triggered, you are very rightly reaching out for help from your partner. He is freely offering the help that he can provide, but you know that he is unaware of EVERYTHING. He doesn’t know the real source of your shame and unworthiness so that lack of knowledge feeds more shame. Your inner dialogue becomes ‘How can Jamie love me if he doesn’t know everything' and gets followed immediately with 'but if I tell him everything he will never love me.’ Is that close?”

Tears flowed from Teddy’s eyes and she wiped them furiously. Lex’s heart ached and he rubbed her thigh softly. Finally Teddy whispered, “Yes, that is close.”

Caroline softly spoke, “What if the opposite is true? Can you find space for the thought that maybe Jamie will love you more once he knows everything? Maybe Jamie having all of the information will help him love you better? Maybe being truly seen by the man that you love and adore can take some of the shame away? Would you be willing to find space for that truth? The shame’s power comes from secrecy and darkness. Let’s bring everything into the light. I think you will be surprised at what happens.”

Teddy whispered, “I am scared.”

Caroline whispered, “I know that you are, but you have been scared before, right? You have survived so much Teddy and are so brave. You can do this. You can be brave and share your truth.”

Lex sighed and wrapped his arms around Teddy, “You can do it Bliss. I know you can. I am not leaving you. I will never leave you. Please, please trust me.” Teddy looked into his eyes and felt the love pouring out of them. 

“Okay, let’s do this. Let’s do this scary shit.” Teddy said firmly. 

Teddy grabbed his hands and stared into his eyes, “I am going to tell you everything, but I have to go quickly. I will answer ANY question that you have. I love you. I trust you. I know that I am safe with you.” She leaned forward and gave him a quick kiss, then sat tall and straight. 

“I can’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t feel some form of anxiety and/or negative thought about myself. I have spent countless hours of therapy trying to find the source of those thoughts and I can’t find it. Growing up I never shared these thoughts with anyone- not my parents, not my sister, not anyone. At least, not until later when I started therapy and medication. I was convinced and still am convinced that I was worthless and unlovable. Nothing my parents or sister did could penetrate those thoughts. Frankie did her best to build me up. She was so positive and energetic, but still the thoughts were there. After Frankie died, those thoughts became all consuming. My parents were too caught up in their own grief to see that I was drowning. If I am honest, they wouldn’t have been able to see anything beyond my mask. 

I met Chaz through a friend my freshman year at SMU and he was a senior. On paper he was the perfect man and boyfriend. He spoiled me and made me feel important and beautiful. It wasn’t until later that I realized that he was entirely successful at isolating me from my friends and my parents. He made me totally reliant on him for everything emotionally. I thought he loved me and I loved him. Then the change started to happen. He started pressuring me to have sex. He had fits of jealousy. Suddenly nothing I did was good or right. I gave in and had sex with him because I thought it would fix things. It was horrible. I might as well have been some real life version of a blow-up doll to him. There was very little foreplay and it hurt like hell because there was no lubrication. Afterwards, when I cried getting dressed, he backhanded me across the face and called me a whore. I was in shock. I had never witnessed or experienced a man treat a woman like this so I didn’t know what to do. I just felt this overwhelming feeling that it was all my fault and I couldn’t tell anyone. 

It got progressively worse. Backhanded slaps turned into punches and kicks-always in places that could be concealed by clothing. The sexual demands became constant, but the worst part was the words. I was nothing. Nobody loved me. Nobody would ever love me. The wrong sister died. In public, he was the perfect boyfriend-so sweet and kind, then he would terrorize me in private. It went on for two years. I know, I let it go on for two years which I feel a huge amount of shame about. It would have continued, but he slipped one night. And of course he slipped in front of the one person who said something- Bish. He was in town for a game. My parents invited him over for dinner. Chaz misinterpreted Bish's friendliness for flirtation which sent him into a rage. He twisted my arm behind my back and Bish saw it. He confronted Chaz who immediately backed down like the weak ass bitch he was. That night was really bad. I actually thought he might kill me and part of me wished he would."

Lex audibly gasped and squeezed her hands

"Bish came to my apartment the next day and told me that if I didn’t tell my parents, he would. He drove me to their house and sat with me while I told them. I never felt more shame or guilt. My parents were so disappointed. I know now that the disappointment was with themselves, but I get an ache in the pit of my stomach whenever I think about it. My father's security team took Chaz’s stuff back to him with the message to stay away and not contact me again. He lost his mind when he realized he was no longer in control of me. My parents got me into therapy. We attempted to get a protective order but only had documentation from that one night. Still we got it, at least a temporary one. Everything was okay until two months later when we were at the same party. He refused to leave despite the protective order and taunted me. He made everyone believe I was the crazy one stalking him after he dumped me. I made the mistake of laughing before I left at the absurdity of his claims. Two hours later he broke through my apartment front door and assaulted me. I can't describe it in any detail because my mind has buried it and I don’t want to unbury those memories. I can tell that I had broken ribs, severe abdominal bruising, black eyes and vaginal/anal tearing. He was arrested, but as is the case with most sexual assaults never saw jail time. I am pretty sure my father paid him to move out of state. I haven't seen him since. So there you go, there is the story of Chaz and how he fucked Teddy up. He does send me random messages about twice a year. I forward them to my dad’s security team and they track the info. There- that’s everything I can think of.” Lex sat with his jaw tense. He looked from Teddy to Caroline and back again. Teddy stared at him and spoke softly, “I know it’s a lot to take in. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to hear it all.” 

The room was then silent except for the ticking of the clock. Lex leaned his head back on the back of the couch. He rubbed his palms on his thighs before balling his hands into fists and punching his legs hard. “FUCK” he exclaimed, “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK” Teddy’s eyes widened and she shrunk back slightly. “Bliss, I had no idea. I thought I had an idea, but this, this…..” his voice started soft and finally broke into a choked sob. Tears flowed from his eyes, “Oh God, this is bad, so bad” He sat up and rested his forearms on his knees, “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to say.” Teddy scooted towards him and rubbed his back. He looked over at her with a twisted face, “Bliss, how do you do this? I don't think I can do this.” She pulled him toward her so that his head rested in her lap. He grabbed a hold of her legs and sobbed into her leggings.

Teddy looked at Caroline with a panicked look. Caroline held up hand and whispered, “Give him a minute” Teddy rubbed his head and back as the sobs racked his body. After a few minutes, he sat up and wiped his eyes. He took Teddy’s hands into his and squeezed them. He looked up at Caroline. She spoke softly, “Do you have anything you want to say? Do you have any questions?” 

“I have so many questions. I don't know what to say.  I just know that my heart aches. What am I supposed to say? “ he sputtered, "What do you say to that nightmare?

Caroline responded, "I think it may be good for you and I to meet individually to process through what you are feeling. After that, we can come back together. Are you open to that, Jamie?"

Lex's eyes shot up, "Yes, I will do anything you recommend. Whatever it takes to work through this for her. I will do anything for her."

He looked at Teddy who held her breath, “Bliss, oh Bliss- you thought I would love you less? You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong, Bliss. You have nothing to be ashamed of- nothing. You’re a goddamn miracle.” He put his hands on her cheeks, “Caroline was right. I love you so much. I have so many thoughts racing in my head- so many- but one thing is clear-I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. You are the best thing to ever happen to me. I am so lucky you survived. Thank God, you survived.”

Teddy sighed, “Do you still need me to tell you why I kept going last night?”

Lex nodded, “Tell me again.”

Teddy gulped, “Because I have worked too hard to be able to let you touch me and make love to me to let the memory of Chaz take that away from me. Wait, that’s not right. It hasn’t been work at all. It has always been easy to let you touch me and make love to me. I have known from the moment we met that I am safe with you. I can trust you. I am not going to let him take that away from me. I am not going to let him destroy us and what we have. I just won’t do it. Does that make sense?” 

Lex nodded, “You didn’t feel pressure from me to continue? Is that what you are saying?” 

Teddy said emphatically, “You have never pressured me to do anything I don’t want to do- EVER. I make love to you because I want to and you drive me crazy with desire.”

Caroline cleared her throat, “I think that we have made some good progress today. Do you each feel like we are a good stopping point? I think we clearly have a lot of work to do together to unpack what was shared and how to manage going forward. Jamie- do you want to come back tomorrow?"

Teddy deferred to Lex who spoke up, “I will make tomorrow work.”

Everyone stood up and walked to the door. “Teddy- that was amazingly brave work today,” Caroline said softly, “I hope that you feel lighter. Practice some self-care and I will see you soon.” 

Lex and Teddy walked out to the truck slowly. He opened her door and waited for her to step into the truck. When she got settled, he stepped closer and kissed her temple, "I am not leaving you. It's you and me forever- no matter what, whatever it takes. If we have to do therapy every day, then we do therapy every day."

She turned to him, "I trust you, Lex. I know I am safe with you. It's you and me forever-no matter what, whatever it takes. "

"Let's go get drunk," he whispered, "Pizza and dance party. We can get naked."

"I am assuming at home?" She laughed, "I don't want other women looking at my man. All rights are reserved." Lex laughed and got in the truck.

Three hours later and two cocktails later, the pizzas arrived at the apartment. They had already stripped down to their underwear. Teddy giggled as Lex brought in the pizzas and placed them on the counter. He playfully swatted her hand as she tried to grab a slice from the box, "Wait your turn. I am a growing man. I need to eat A LOT," he jested. He pulled plates down from the cabinet and placed several pieces on his plate. Then he placed two pieces on her plate and handed it to her with a kiss. "Here you go my darling Bliss," he soothed, "Do you need another drink? Getting tipsy yet? Is Tipsy Teddy here? I think I am buzzing already."

"Yes, I want another drink," Teddy took her plate, "I am not tipsy yet." She watched him sit on the stool after handing her drink to her and then she stood between his legs. They ate their pizza and kissed between bites. "You know, I have friends that tell me that one day I won't want to kiss you all the time. Can you believe that?" She asked in between bites. "You are the most handsome man I have ever seen," she kissed his cheeks. 

Lex laughed, "Well hello there Tipsy Teddy!"

She stomped her foot, "I am not tipsy. It's the truth. Your lips are so kissable. They are full and juicy. Like little magnets for my lips." She kissed him softly and he returned her kiss. He brought his hands to her face and rubbed her temples with his thumbs. He gave her a smile and wrapped his arms around her waist before standing up. He carried her into the living room as she wrapped her legs around his waist. "Hey, I want my drink, Lex," she whined.

He shook his head, "Dance with me." He shouted out a song request to Alexa and waited for the song to start.  https://open.spotify.com/track/3ogtSrlbtiTamktbA0hw0E?si=R_ZWxq2ISI6sxNxkZN0BxQ&utm_source=copy-link

Lex sang in her ear

105 is the number that comes to my head

When I think of all the years I wanna be with you

Wake up every morning with you in my bed

That's precisely what I plan to do

And you know one of these days, when I get my money right

Buy you everything and show you all the finer things in life

Will forever be enough, so there ain't no need to rush

But one day, I won't be able to ask you loud enough

I'll say, "Will you marry me?"

I swear that I will mean it

I'll say, "Will you marry me?"

He twirled her around the room 

How many girls in the world can make me feel like this?

Baby, I don't ever plan to find out

The more I look, the more I find the reasons why

You're the love of my life

Teddy laughed as he dipped her low

And if I lost everything

In my heart, it means nothing

'Cause I have you

Girl, I have you

To get right down on bended knee

Nothing else would ever be better, better

The day when I-

I'll say, "Will you marry me?"

I swear that I will mean it

I'll say, "Will you marry me?", yeah

He carried her into the bedroom and gently placed her on the bed, "Bliss, can we get naked now?" She threw her head back and giggled, "I thought you would never ask"

He bent down and kissed her neck and then licked along her jawline, "You are gorgeous, Bliss." She smiled and turned her head to give him more access. His hands roamed her body gently. Fingers trailing over her stomach and her hips. He traced small circles on her thigh, "Is this okay?" 

Teddy whispered, "Yes" as she rocked her hips against his hard thigh. 

Lex pulled her left breast out of her bra and licked her nipple, "and this?" 

Again she whispered, "Yes." 

He moved his palm against her panties and rubbed slowly. "What about this?"

Teddy moaned softly, "Lex, you know what I like. Nothing that I said today changes that. You don't have to ask about every single thing. You have all the very fucking enthusiastic consent."

He kissed along her collarbone then returned to her mouth, "I just want to make love to you and make you feel safe." 

She took his face between her hands, "Then make love to me, but I can’t talk right now. I am all talked out. I just want to give you pleasure and have you give me pleasure until we don't have anything else to give. Please? Talk all you want. I just can't, I just can’t. Sorry." 

Lex nodded solemnly as he slipped his hands into her panties, finding her clit and rubbing slowly as he kissed her softly. Teddy spread her legs and moaned softly, "Ohhhhhhhhh"  He smiled and started tugging at her panties. She lifted her hips and ran her fingers through his hair as removed her panties. His fingers returned to their previous position, "I love you Theodora Bliss every inch of you, every part of you." 

Teddy whimpered softly, feeling her chest tighten with unspoken emotion. His fingers worked their magic until she was moaning loudly in his ear. "That's it, Bliss. Ride that wave. I got you," he whispered into her ear. She pulled him tighter to her and bucked her hips. "So beautiful. You are so beautiful when you fuck my fingers. I need to be inside of you. Can I fuck you with my cock?" He cajoled. 

She nodded and moaned, "Please." 

He slipped into her and began a slow fuck. With each thrust, he whispered something into her ear. Each stroke was deep and hard. The sound of Lex's voice washed over her soul, "You are my Babe. You are my best friend. You are the strongest person I've ever known. You are the sweetest person and you love me big. You deserve to be protected. You deserve everything. You make me happy every damn day. You are amazing. You have no idea how much I love you. I am going to love you forever. I will never leave you. You are the most precious thing in my life. I love you. I love you. I love you." Tears streamed down her cheeks and she struggled to even moan. His words became more impassioned with each statement as they reached their climax. "I will do whatever it takes to be with you. You are worth it. You are so good Bliss. I love you more than anything. Thank you Babe-thank you for loving me." They both held each other and sobbed with a combination of emotional pain, relief and residual pain. 

Teddy held him close as he cried softly, “Lex, are you crying because you are worried about me? What’s going on?” 

Lex inhaled deeply, “I am sad and heartbroken. The thought of you going through all of that breaks my heart. I want to change it for you. I want to take it all away.”

Teddy gently rubbed his back, “But if you took it all away, would we have met? I am not saying that I am glad it happened or some other shitty cliche, but I get to be with you now. If that was the journey I had to take to get to you, then I accept that. You’re my rainbow after the storm- my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I am sorry that you are sad and heartbroken. It will get better- I promise. You should talk to Bish or my dad. They can help you since they were there.” 

Lex rolled off of Teddy and onto his side, resting his head on his hand. He pushed the hair out of her eyes and wiped her tears,  “Does Seggy know?”

Teddy shook her head no vigorously, “He knows less than you knew the first night we talked. I plan to keep it that way. He doesn’t need to know and I don’t want to tell him. I don’t want anyone else to know.” She began to panic a little, “You can’t tell your parents, Lex. Please don’t tell your parents- at least not all of it. Please? I can’t bear it if they look at me with pity in their eyes. Please promise me that you won’t tell them. 

He placed a hand on her cheek, “Shhhhh, I won’t tell them anything beyond what they already know. I told them before that you had an abusive ex. That’s all they need to know.” 

She snuggled into his chest, “Sorry for the bit of panic. I am just really tired. You must be exhausted.” Teddy fell asleep within minutes, but Lex’s sleep was made up mostly of nightmares images of Teddy and Chaz.

January 6th

The following afternoon Lex walked into Caroline’s office alone and sat down nervously. He instinctively looked to his right where Teddy normally sat and reached for non-existent hand. He shook his head and laughed.

"What's funny, Jamie?" She asked.

"I just realized how much Bliss comforts me when we come in here. I sat down and reached for her hand- like she is some sort of security blanket," he said. 

"How are you doing?" she asked.

"Not sure to be honest. It’s a mixed bag of emotions,” he commented. 

“Tell me about the emotions,” she coaxed. 

“Teddy and I had a great night together . We got tipsy, had pizza and a dance party. Then we had this really intense and emotional sex," he answered before grimacing. "Is it bad that we had sex? I mean I just found that Teddy had been raped hours before. What does that say about me?" He questioned.

Caroline responded, "You have to understand that while it was hours after you learned the details of the assault, or at least some of the details, you have known about how there was a sexual assault for a while now, correct? It wasn’t brand new information. Also, Teddy has lived with that knowledge and sharing it must have been so relieving for her. I assume that it was consensual, correct? Then it says that you find your partner attractive and the feeling is mutual. Both of you had an emotionally exhausting day. It is not unexpected that you would seek physical comfort from each other.  How was the experience?" 

Lex's eyes shot up, "What do you mean?"

"Was it a typical experience or was it different than normal? She asked. 

"Typically I don't cry afterwards," he said softly, “Typically Teddy is more vocal, but she told me that she was all talked out.”

"Why do you think you were so emotional?" She countered

"I just love her so much and want to keep her safe. I can't bear the thought of her in pain. I need to protect her from pain" he explained.

"Jamie, it's not your job to protect her. This isn’t the NHL where you are expected to protect certain players. She is not a damsel in distress. She does an excellent job of protecting herself, don't you think?" She asked. 

"She needed to be protected from Chaz," he shot back.

"Yes, but you can't retroactively protect her from Chaz, can you?" She inquired.

"So if it's not my job to protect her, what is my job? What does she need from me?" He asked, confused.

"I think that is a question for Teddy to answer. My guess is that she would say that it is your job to remind her that she is safe and loved- not because she will never experience pain again, but because she will never experience pain ALONE. Pain is inevitable. You both will experience it. She might say that your job is to remind her that she is strong and capable when her anxiety is triggered."

Lex's face lit up, "So basically the way she loves me. That is exactly how she loves me. I can do that. I can fucking do that. Sorry for cussing."

Caroline laughed, "It's okay. Remember judgement free zone."

They ended the session with the agreement that they reconvene in a week as a group. 

Back at their apartment, Teddy picked up her phone multiple times to check the time. Lex's therapy session ended five minutes ago. She checked her texts but there wasn't anything from Lex. She did see a text from Tyler so she hit the call button.

Tyler screamed- TEDDY!

Teddy whispered- Hey

Tyler questioned- What's wrong? 

Teddy sighed- Trying not to freak the fuck out 

Tyler asked- Freak out about what?

Teddy explained- I told Lex the whole truth about Chaz yesterday in therapy. My anxiety is telling me that he is plotting his escape from my fucked up ass.

Tyler asked- What did he say when heard everything?

Teddy answered- He said it wasn't my fault, he loves me and he is never going to leave me.

Tyler questioned- Then why are freaking out?

Teddy laughed- Have you met me? Anxiety girl?

Tyler spoke softly- Maybe you should believe him and not your anxiety.

Teddy responded- You're smart 

Tyler joked- Can I get that in writing? 

Tyler got quiet for a moment 

Tyler whispered- Are you ever going to tell me? Everything?

Teddy exclaimed- Hell no

Tyler pleaded- But I'm your best friend.

Teddy continued - If I thought you needed to know, I would tell you. I just don't see the point in subjecting you to the details. It would only break your heart. I had an ex, he abused me physically, verbally and emotionally. It broke my spirit, but I have worked my ass off to repair it. There you have the story.

Tyler sighed- Wish I could hug you right now

Teddy smiled- Same- I appreciate that you want to know and understand my past. I love you for it.

Teddy heard Lex's key in the door and said a quick goodbye to Tyler. Lex stepped inside and placed his keys on the kitchen island. Teddy approached from the living room hesitantly, "So how did it go?" 

Lex kissed her forehead, "Really well. I feel a lot less confused. Were you worried?” He stepped forward and took her in his arms, “I have insight into how I can help you and love you better. I am not going anywhere. Remember me and you forever- no matter what, whatever it takes." He squeezed her tighter. 

She kissed his chest, "Thanks for the reminder. Love you Lexaroni." 

January 23rd

Lex stepped off the plane and walked down the stairs, feeling the Caribbean breeze hitting his face. He looked back and smiled at Teddy who was walking down the stairs. Teddy had changed from her winter Pittsburgh clothes to a summer sundress during the flight. She kissed him as she stepped onto the bottom step. He wrapped his arms around her and carried her to the waiting car. The villa staff unloaded the luggage into the car trunk as Teddy settled into the back seat of the car. Lex slid in next to her and took her hand into his, "Bliss, I think that this may be the best idea you ever had. After the past couple of weeks, we need to day drink and lay in the sun " 

Teddy rested her head on his shoulder, “I have my moments, Lex. It has been a rough month if you think about it- with the concussion, Christmas, therapy, full disclosure and the aftermath. I want nothing more than to spend time with you doing nothing productive.”

Lex kissed the top of her head, “Orgasms can be productive, Bliss. So can dance parties and skinny dipping.”

Teddy looked up and stared into his eyes, “I see you have a whole agenda planned.” 

When they arrived at the Villa, Taylor and Johnsy were already there sitting by the pool. Teddy ran to give both of them hugs, “Oh I have missed you guys! Did they get you settled into your room? Do you have everything that you need?” 

Lex smiled as Teddy went into hostess mode effortlessly. Johnsy, “Yeah, they put us up on the third floor. I think that you two are down on this level. Thank God.” Taylor raised an eyebrow and poked him in the side. “What? You didn’t share an apartment with Big Rig. Even when they were ‘friends’, they fucked like bunnies. They fucked like very loud bunnies. It was traumatizing. I can’t imagine what it is like now. Have you slowed down now that you are official?”

Teddy smiled, “Slowed down? Ummmm no. Gotten quieter or more discreet? Again, no. Am I ashamed? Also no. Will fuck Lex right below your balcony if you don’t shut up? Yes, I will.” 

Taylor fell onto the chaise lounge in fits of laughter, followed by Johnsy. “Big Rig, get your woman under control.”

“Oh, you are under some illusion that I can control Teddy? Uh no. Teddy does what she wants, when she wants. I am just along for the ride. It’s a very fun ride, but I am definitely not driving the proverbial bus here,” Lex laughed and took Teddy’s hand. “Now don’t mind us, we are going to go get changed and stuff."

Teddy yelled back over shoulder, "You know what ‘and stuff’ means". Lex brought her to the room that they used in May and she shook her head no. "We are in the big room where Benn and Katie were last year," she laughed. He tilted his head and looked at her funny. “Last year I was literally the only person without a partner at the beginning of the trip so I gave myself a smaller room. You showed up,but I didn’t change rooms. It was Katie’s birthday. I wasn’t going to kick her out of the best room. Now however, we are going to take advantage of the private balcony and plunge pool this year. It’s perfect for skinny dipping” 

Lex followed her into the room and walked out on the balcony, turned and smiled. “This is amazing. I thought last year was amazing, but this tops it.” He walked back into the room as she started unpacking her clothes into the closet and dresser. He stopped and stared, “You are the only person I know that actually unpacks their clothes on vacation. I just leave my stuff in the suitcase.” 

Teddy shook head and continued to unpack. “I unpack so I have easy access to the multiple bikinis and lingerie sets that I packed. I mean if you want me to just wear the plain jane panties on the top of my suitcase, I can.” 

“Wait, you didn’t have lingerie last time. I want to see the lingerie. You don’t even wear lingerie at home,” he started poking through the suitcase. 

She playfully swatted at his hand, “No peeking. You know why I didn’t have lingerie last time. Who was I going to show it to? Now as far home is concerned, I will gladly wear lingerie if you would like, but you seem to be perfectly content with tearing off the plain stuff. Now, get in your swimsuit so we can go into the pool.” 

“But what about the ‘and stuff’? I was looking forward to the ‘and stuff’’ he pouted. 

“We can take a nap after pool time and lunch time,” she said as she pulled out a tiny bikini. She undressed quickly and put it on. The hot pink bikini top barely contained her full breasts. The ruffles on the side of the bottoms accentuated her hips. She pulled out a straw hat and put it on. She turned to face Lex who stopped still as he put on his swimsuit. “What?” she asked and adjusted her bottoms, “Lex, tell me. What?”

He blinked and stammered, “That’s new. Holy fuck, you look amazing. Seriously Bliss, you have never looked more beautiful or sexier. I can’t wait to tear that off later. Is there more like that? Do I get more of that?” 

She smiled and walked away, “Yes, there is a lot more of this and other sexy things for you. Now let’s go swim.” 

Teddy and Lex settled into a routine at the St. Thomas villa. Morning sex on the balcony over looking the bay, breakfast, followed by beach/pool time. After a gourmet lunch, they napped then had pre-dinner cuddles/sex. Dinner was followed by walks on the beach and sex before bed. Teddy kept her word and had a new sexy bikini and lingerie set for each day. By the time Sunday morning rolled around, they were sun-kissed and well-fucked. They said their good-byes to Taylor and Johnsy at the airport and spent the flight wrapped up in each other’s arms. 

Monday, January 28th

Teddy puttered around the apartment. She had finished the laundry from their trip. She sat down on the couch to start planning content for the next couple of weeks. Her phone rang and Lex’s face popped up. She looked at the time and thought to herself, “He should be on the ice right now.” 

Teddy- Hey Lex, What’s up? Why aren’t you on the ice?

Lex spoke softly- Are you sitting down? 

Teddy- Lex, what’s wrong?

Lex sighed- So don’t freak out yet. 

Teddy asked- What’s wrong Lex?

Lex whispered- I’ve been traded. 

Teddy asked disbelief- Traded where?

Lex stated flatly- You are not going to believe it. 

Teddy asked again- Traded where?

Lex spoke again- Dallas

Teddy stared at her phone- Dallas? You’re going back to Dallas?

Lex smiled- WE- We are going back to Dallas, Bliss. You’re going home. 

Teddy- I can’t believe it. What are the odds? Are you happy?

Lex- I’m happy if you are happy. I have some unfinished business there. 

Teddy- I can’t believe it. We’re going back to Dallas. 

Lex- Call your parents and Tyler. I am coming home with the details. We leave this afternoon. Start packing. 

Teddy stared and looked around the apartment. She was struck by the bitter sweetness of the moment. This had been their first home together and it was time to move on. Pittsburgh would always be special, but she looked forward to going home. She looked forward to their future.

Next Chapter- Back to Big D - https://starshine-hockey-girl.tumblr.com/post/671206259212566528/back-to-big-d

[bts-teaspoonff]

Fangirl pt. 1

Genre: Romance, Slow Burn, Idol A/U

Pairing: BTS OT7 x reader

Rating: PG

Summary: Y/N, being a huge fangirl, finally got her chance to work alongside her favorite idol group as a backup dancer. She gets to know each member personally and realizes that her feelings may be more than fangirl-idol attraction.

Word Count: 3K

PARTS: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | .... masterlist

“It’s finally here!” I shouted as I bolted from my room towards the front door to greet the delivery man carrying my package. Even without looking at the mirror, I could feel my smile going up to my ears and my heartbeat furiously echoing through my chest. The delivery man handed me a medium sized box and stared at me as I reach out for the box with a huge smile plastered on my face. I signed the delivery form, closed the door and ran back inside my unit.

I ran to the living room and placed the box on the floor. I turned to my left and hurriedly rummaged for my cutter inside the drawer beside the sofa. I also took my phone on top of the said drawer and placed it on my lap. I swiftly sat down on the floor in front of my package with the cutter ready in my hand when I remembered something. I unlocked my phone and proceeded to video call my brother who’s at work. My brother’s name and his photo appeared on the screen as I wait for him to answer the call.

“Hey Y/N…” His face popped up on my screen. I silently giggled at the angle of his front camera when he answered the call. Not really flattering despite him being good looking. He must have placed the phone on a table directly below his face. “You know I’m at work right? Why did you call? Emergency?” I could hear keyboard sounds in the background. He must be busy typing on the computer as he didn’t bat an eye on his phone while talking to me.

“Yeah I know. I just wanted to share some good news” My camera is facing towards me with just my eyes peeking through screen. I was worried that maybe he’s with some people at work that might see me when he answers the video call and I’m not decent looking right now. “My package has arrived!” I low-key squealed as I pressed the ‘rotate camera’ button on the screen and directed the camera at the package. I could see my brother looking now at the phone. He placed his phone in front of him and leaned it on a stable surface for him to see me properly. He continued to type slowly on his keyboard as he steal glances on his phone screen.

“Don’t tell me…. You bought another merch?” He giggled as he looked at his phone screen and continued to type on his keyboard. He looked back at his computer screen after a second, with a smile on his face. I opened the package with my cutter on one hand and my phone on the other. Tearing through the tape, I can’t contain my excitement as i shrieked when my cutter got through the end of the tape. I released the cutter from my hand and pushed it aside.

“BTS Merch! Oh my god, I have been waiting for these for weeks. I got the latest album, more Tiny Tan figurines, and some concert goods from last tour.” I proceeded to open the box and showed my brother the contents. I felt accomplishment as I look at all the merchandise that has just arrived at home. My ARMY heart couldn’t contain the joy that I have right now. I shot my eyes back on the phone screen and saw my brother smiling as he looked at me through the phone screen.

“Hey, I’m happy you are happy but you know I work in Big Hit right? I work for them?” He stopped typing, took the phone back in his hands and brought the phone close to his face. “I could just easily buy these things for you with my employee discount.” And now his whole face is occupying my phone screen. 

“Jiyong, I know but where’s the fun in that? I want to buy these items using my own money. Well, an employee discount is nice but I don’t want to abuse your privilege as I buy too much of their merchandise.” I snorted at the fact that I really do buy too much of their merchandise. Besides, when I use his employee discount, the items are delivered directly to him as he works inside the Big Hit Building. With the amount of merchandise that I buy, I don’t want to embarrass him and label him as a big fanboy especially with him working so close to the boys.

“If you weren’t my twin sister, I would totally laugh at you. Not that I think you’re crazy but you’re…. loyal” He puts emphasis on the last word. He respects my deep profound respect for the 7 boys but he thinks that maybe I have gone too far with the purchases. He placed his phone back in front of him, leaning on a surface. “Oh before I forget, did you read my email?” I was taken aback with topic change but I’m used to it as he does this all the time. I pressed the ‘rotate camera’ button once again for him to see my face. 

“No, I haven’t opened my email yet. I went home so late last night. My last client in the gym arrived late so we finished late as well. A bummer.” I scoffed as I remembered the fatigue that enveloped my body yesterday. I work as a gym trainer/physical therapist full time and a dance teacher/choreographer as my sideline. I work at my friend’s gym located in the heart of Seoul as a gym trainer. I currently handle 7 clients, some who I have worked with for a few years already. I also teach dance classes at a small dance studio just a few blocks from where I live. Mainly, I handle BTS dance classes because duh, I am a full-blooded ARMY. I really tried to make my passion as a source of income and it warms my heart to see people having fun when I teach them those dances.

“Check it. Anyways, I gotta go. I still have a lot to do. As you know, the company is busy since BTS will be releasing another album sometime this year.” My brother currently works as a Recording Engineer in Big Hit. He used to brag to me that he’ll spend hours with BTS and TXT. I was jealous of course but I am so proud he’s working for them. Whenever I listen to songs from Big Hit artists, I try to think that he has contributed to a lot of songs despite not knowing what exact songs he has worked on. Another reason why I listen and support them.

We both said our farewells and dropped the call. As I took out all the contents of the package unto the floor, I used my phone on the other hand. I opened my mail and saw few unread emails. Some of them were from my subscriptions on Netflix and Spotify, which I barely read. On top of the list was my brother’s mail. I saw the subject “READ THIS FANGIRL!” and I laughed. Here I thought he sent me something urgent or important that needs my utmost attention. Must be another event or merchandise that they’ve yet to announce to the public.

I opened the mail and my eyes were glued to the first line of the message body.

“Big Hit is hiring backup dancers. See the forwarded email below, sis. I think they’re meaning to assign whoever they’ll hire as part of BTS dance team.” Did I just receive this email? It came from my brother so it must be true. He won’t prank me like that. If I apply, there’s no guarantee that I’ll be hired right? That’s too bad if I won’t be hired but there’s nothing to lose if I try to apply.

I left my package scattered throughout my floor and ran towards my laptop lying on my bed. I sat down on the floor beside my bed and opened my laptop. I felt like a kid but here I am, rushing to find my resume to apply for a new job that might eventually change my life.

….

It’s been a week since I applied as a backup dancer for Big Hit. I sent in my resume and a few videos of me dancing to some of their artists’ songs. I’m lucky to have known a lot of BTS’ songs and choreographies by heart and I might have tried to study some of their label mates’ songs as well. I haven’t received a reply back from them and I’m worried that I may not receive any response ever.

Apparently, BTS is known for having only male backup dancers as far as I know so it’s news to me that they’re hiring female backup dancers now. It got me thinking that this might also attract fellow fangirls like me to apply but knowing Big Hit, they wouldn’t want anything scandalous to happen just because they hired female backup dancers. I’m not saying that female dancers lack professionalism but how the boys are the top rank boy group in the country, female fans would be green with jealousy if they see female dancers dancing with them. Some Armies are really protective when it comes to the boys so it’s really shocking to hear that the company is finally considering this.

The day that I got the mail from my brother, I spent half of my day planning what dances to shoot and submit. I chose BTS’ Idol and Singularity, TXT’s Crown and a freestyle dance to Beyonce’s Yonce. I wanted to showcase my range in dancing by carefully choosing a variety of songs. I admit that the reason I may have applied to this job is partly because I’m a fangirl but nonetheless, my passion for dancing is bigger. I have been dancing since I was a kid but I was not this confident at the start. It’s hard to convince me to perform in front of a bigger audience, let alone a stadium full of fans. I slowly got over my fear little by little when I started teaching dance classes at the dance studio. The fear is still there and you may wonder why I am applying for this job when I’m scared shit in performing for a large audience. BTS taught me to love myself and I am really trying my best to go out of my comfort zone. I figured that this may be my best chance in doing so. Also, I get the benefit of working alongside them which is a big plus.

I couldn’t really focus on my job for the whole week. I find myself regularly checking my mail in the hopes of getting a response from Big Hit. 5 days and there’s still no mail. Maybe my email just went to their spam folder or maybe I typed in the wrong mail. On the 7th day while I was pulling out my clothes in the dryer, I heard a ping from my phone from across the hall. I left my phone on my bed and the laundry room is right beside my room. I noticed that the ping was my assigned tone for mails. I hurriedly took out all my warm dry clothes and unto the basket, closed the door of the dryer and turned the lights off in the laundry room.

“New Mail. Subject: Dance Team Application” I saw the notification banner and my heart just jumped out of my chest. I felt my forehead sweating profusely, fingers shaking and my throat closing up as I try to open my phone and check my mail. I silently and swiftly read the contents of the mail. After two seconds, I shrieked at the top of my lungs and threw my phone across my bed. I ran out of my room and in circles around the living room. Good thing I live alone so that I could just celebrate and make loud noises like this. I jumped up and down on the sofa while etching the image of the mail into my head. I buried my head on my pillows and shouted once more, emptying all the air out of my lungs.

I ran back into my room and read the mail again.

“Good day, Miss Y/N.

We have received your application and we are glad to say that we are impressed with your resume and skillset. We would like you to come in our office tomorrow so we can meet and talk personally with our dance team. We are glad to have you join our current dance team. Details of our meeting are expressed below.

Time: 10 am

Address: 42 Teheran-ro 108-gil, Daechi-dong, Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea

Attire: Comfortable Casual

Please look for Mina at the front desk to escort you. Thank you.”

I still can’t believe what I’m seeing. Did I just got accepted? As a backup dancer? For Big Hit? Maybe for BTS? I’m such a lucky fangirl. I can’t wait for tomorrow.

….

It’s a good thing that my schedule is free today. I don’t have any clients in the gym scheduled for today and the dance studio is closed for today. I was so nervous and excited at the same time. I woke up at 6 am as I feel my jitters bothering my sleep. I tried to go back to sleep but I trashed the bed and rolled side to side for about 30 mins so I decided to go for a run. I turned on my Spotify and played my ‘Intense Run Playlist’ which mostly consists of high bpm BTS songs. There’s a jogging path near where I live and the scenery is filled with trees. Very calming, which I really need right now.

I arrived in front of the Big Hit Building around 8:30 am. I made sure to arrive early as I don’t want to be late for the meeting. I’m so anxious right now if I’m allowed to go up as early as 9 am or should I just arrived on time. I lingered outside and paced back and forth at a nearby shade. I wondered if I could visit my brother and stay with him for the mean time.

“Is she a stalker?” I heard whispers coming from my right as I slumped back at the pole where I’m taking shade just across the building. “That’s scary.” Three schoolgirls were standing a few meters away from me. They were staring and smirking at me. I wondered why they would think of me as such then I realized that I wore my hoodie up to cover half of my face.

“I’m not…”

“Good luck stalker-nim. You won’t get a glimpse of the boys.” They giggled and ogled me with judgmental looks with their arms across the chests. “Can you get away from the boys? We don’t want stalker armies like you.”

“As I said, I’m not a stalker and I’m older than you. Why are you talking to me in an informal tone?” I pull my hoodie off my head and slowly tread towards them. They laughed and ran away at the sight of me making my way to them. Sheesh, do I really look like a stalker?

I looked at my watch and it’s still 9:10 am. I guess I could try and visit my brother. The fresh morning air blew gently in my face, as if to welcome me, and be my merry playmate, and the sun looked at me with a warm and tender smile. What a nice start to my day, I thought. I put up my hoodie again and I was comfortable once more with the warmth my mere hoodie gave me.

“I have a meeting in your building today. Do you want to meet up? I’m not due until 10 am. – your adorable look alike” I texted my brother and inserted my phone back in my pocket. I breathed in the fresh breeze and not a second later, my phone pinged. I pulled out my phone to see my brother’s name on the screen.

“Lucky, I’m on a coffee break. I���ll be down in a sec.” he replied. A grin was present on my face as I stood up from where I was leaning. I skipped from across the street towards the building. I looked above at the sky and towards the top of the Big Hit Building and when I returned my gaze back in front of me, I was met by a dark haired man in his mid-twenties. I bumped into him and was knocked down at the side of the street. I exclaimed in pain as I rub my backside.

“Hey look where you’re go…” I looked up and immediately recognized the face. The man was wearing a grey Fear of God shirt paired with black baggy pants. His face was half covered by a black mask and his hair was kept away from his face with a black headband almost occupying his whole forehead.

“You should be the one watching you’re going. Crossing the street while prancing around like that.” He scoffed and continued to make his way towards the building. He didn’t even help me up. I sneered back.

“I’m sorry. I assure you that he’s not usually like this. He’s in a bad mood.” Two hands were suddenly around my elbows, propping me up from the ground. I turned my head and saw a woman around mid-twenties as well. She was carrying an opened big black bag propped on her right shoulder with filled with piles of unruly papers stuck inside. When I finally was able to stand up properly, she took off her hands from me and bowed in apology. She swiftly followed the man and shouted, “Yoongi, wait. I can explain.”

So I was right. It was Suga. All the images of a funny and loving Min Yoongi ran through my mind. Just like a scary movie, it was replaced by a disgusted look he shot at me a while ago. Did he…. Maybe he thought I was a stalker or something? I guess if I really looked like one then I don’t blame him for shooting those looks at me. However, a decent person would help anyone up in that situation.

I beat the dust off my hoodie and slowly treaded towards the building’s entrance. Not a really good way to start my first interaction with anyone from BTS, I thought.

Next part: 2

[sevenkittensinatrenchcoat]

Cats 1986 (and Others) vs. 2016

A post I made a few months ago comparing information gathered from interviews with different Cats casts has come up again recently and I’ve heard even more interviews since, so I want to add on to that a little and elaborate on the things I’ve already said.

CW: Some of the language regarding Demeter’s backstory is a bit darker than I’ve previously mentioned

So, I’ve now heard interviews from US Tours III, IV, and V, spanning from 1986 to 2012. They’re all Broadway-based, and the Broadway Revival went in a very different direction, but the three tours were all very similar to each other.

In both the tours and in 2016, the cast was sat down before rehearsals to hear the “story of Cats”. However, this meant two completely different things. The Tour casts were told the plot of the show, who their characters were and what they were meant to be doing. The 2016 was told the story of how the show Cats was created, how ALW had the idea and made a show out of it. No mention of the story and characters. This means that the Tour casts were given useful information for building their characters, while the 2016 cast got something that was interesting but did nothing to help them do their jobs in the present. More emphasis was put on the show’s legacy than on how to actually perform it. Trevor Nunn did the 2016 explaining, I believe, and it sounds like he was on an ego trip, talking about what he did instead of what the cast was supposed to do. Trevor Nunn is one of the few people who knows how the show works, so this is quite frustrating.

Though the Tour cast was given a whole story, most of them only remembered the perspectives of their own characters. The point of learning the plot was so that they knew what they were doing. It wasn’t supposed to matter to the audience. So, everyone mainly focused on their own jobs. But, everyone knew Demeter’s backstory, because it was the first thing they were told and it caught their attention. It almost became a meme that the first sentence of the plot was “Demeter was raped by Macavity”.

The story begins with Demeter having just escaped from Macavity. He kidnapped and raped her. Though she didn’t want it, she kind of enjoyed the sex, which messed with her head quite a bit. Bomba went through the exact same thing, but because she enjoyed it, she acts like the whole thing was nothing more than an annoyance. The two react to the same situation in different ways.

Jacob Brent was either given a toned down version of the story (he mentions kidnapping, but not rape), or he chose to give a toned down version to avoid the uncomfortable subject. 

The 2016 knew that Macavity and Demeter had some sort of backstory, but they weren’t very clear on exactly what happened. They decided that they’d had an abusive relationship, but that the whole thing was consensual and there was no kidnapping, because the only element of this story that the audience can pick up without context is that there was some sort of sexual relationship between Macavity and Demeter, but she’s now afraid of him.

At least one cast member said that Macavity was a rapist, but she didn’t elaborate.

This messed with Demeter’s character far more than anyone expected. The rape element honestly isn’t necessary. Demeter and Macavity had some sort of sex, but it could’ve been consensual, with Demeter enjoying the sex but hating the man. That’s actually what Gillian Lynne seemed to have implied in interviews. However, the kidnapping part of the backstory is important, because it establishes the connection between Demeter and Grizabella. While hiding from Macavity, right before the story begins, Demeter sees Grizabella on the Bad Side of Town. Due to not being a Jellicle before this night, she doesn’t know who she is, and therefore has no bias against her. She just sees this woman living on the streets, humans wondering aloud why she isn’t dead, and felt sympathy for her. 

So, when Grizabella appears at the ball and everyone hates her, Demeter wants to intervene, but she doesn’t want to upset her new friends. She came to the Jellicles for protection and is afraid of them rejecting her for siding with their enemy. Still, she tells the tribe what she knows about Griz, possibly trying to convince them to be nicer to her, but it doesn’t work and Demeter just starts following the crowd.

The lyrics Demeter sings, by themselves, are musical exposition that doesn’t imply sympathy. A line like “You’d really have thought she’d ought to be dead” sounds like it could be played as an insult. The words can either mean “I’m surprising the poor thing’s still alive in her condition” or “Why can’t the bitch fuck off and die already?”. Without the context of Demeter’s backstory, Kim Faure picked the latter, when with the context, it’s clearly meant to be the former. So, Demeter’s delivery of her lines in Glamour Cat in 2016 is venomous, almost sadistic.

Later on, towards the end of act one, 2016 Demeter reaches out to Grizabella like she does in most other versions, despite the earlier delivery. What made her change gears? I have no idea.

So, there was a lot of insight on Demeter. She’s the character with the most detailed backstory, making her the closest thing the show has to a protagonist. 

Another character that gets a lot of attention, as he demands, is Tugger. Many Tugger actors were interviewed. I think he’s the favorite character of the host of the podcast. Different Tuggers from different eras responded to certain topics differently. Tuggers from the 1980s were unaware that Tugger was commonly interpreted as Not Straight and that Tuggoffelees is a thing. But, the more recent the show their from, the more they’re aware of and interested in the topic. The Tour V Tugger joined very late, during the last few years of the tour. He had access to the internet and could see what the fandom was up to. He played Tugger as ambiguously bi and, though he hadn’t thought of it at the time, liked the idea of the Tuggoffelees pairing. Tyler Hanes, 2016 Tugger, was the only one interviewed who played Tuggoffelees on purpose.

Tyler Hanes was very interesting. He watched the 1998 film while preparing for the role and didn’t seem to like it very much. He wanted his version of Tugger to be his own and avoided taking inspiration from any other version. John Partridge’s Tugger and Hanes’ Tugger being so different from each other might’ve been deliberate.

But, the choreography is what really messed with Tugger’s character. The host of the podcast mentioned Tugger’s pelvic thrusts and Hanes said that he wanted to do that sort of thing, but the new choreography removed all of it. He couldn’t make Tugger as horny or sexy as he wanted to. It was a key part of the character, but the choreography just wouldn’t let it happen. The result is that a bunch of queens fangirl over Tugger, but because Tugger’s defining trait in his number is being vain and obnoxious, the reason why he, of all toms, is considering the sexiest is completely lost. He’s just a dick to everyone (except Misto) and they love him anyway. 

Other Tuggers do act like assholes during the number, but it’s not the focus. The lyrics are about Tugger being difficult, but the choreography, often to a comedic degree, isn’t about that. The message of Lynne’s choreography is that DESPITE Tugger being obnoxious, he’s a sex god and that’s what matters to his fans. Blankenbuehlers’s choreography mainly focuses on Tugger being obnoxious, which is a better match to the lyrics, but it makes the character less likable.

Also, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: The two most sexualized numbers are Tugger’s and Macavity’s. Tugger’s number is about a man being sexy. Macavity’s number has two women being sexy. Blankenbuehler redid Tugger’s number, toning down the sexuality, but he left Macavity alone completely, so it’s as sexual as it always is. Male sexuality needs to be toned down, but female sexuality is fine. This is what happens when a woman is replaced with a straight dude. I doubt it was done on purpose, but there was definitely some subconscious bias going on there.

The way the casts talk about the two choreographers is also different. Both of them are treated as the experts on the show, more like how a director is normally treated. But, how well they filled that role varied. Lynne could explain what every single move meant. Those who worked with her knew exactly what they were doing. Nobody has ever described any of Blankenbuehler’s choreography with the same detail. In numbers in 2016 that Blankenbuehler left alone, even without Lynne present at all, everything was clearly explained. Skimble actors, since Skimble’s number wasn’t altered much, describe people who’d worked with Lynne talking them through the choreography. No one talked about Blankenbuehler’s work like that. Every move of Lynne’s Jellicle Ball apparently represented something. Blankenbuehler’s Jellicle Ball looks fine, but there isn’t that level of detail.

The rehearsals of the the choreography were paced differently as well. 2016 was apparently put together in something of a hurry. Most Cats rehearsals begin with several days of the cast studying cats and learning how to move like them. 2016 devoted only a few hours to this. Gillian Lynne reportedly visited a rehearsal and was upset the none of the dancers knew how to move like cats. Cats has unique choreography in a unique cat-like style, but the 2016 team had no time to practice it, so they often come across as a bit too human. They’re talented human dancers, but they’re not very cat-like. Blankenbuehler’s choreography is often in a different, more modern urban style, that doesn’t seem like it was done with cat-like movement in mind.

I don’t hate Blankenbuehler. In behind the scenes stuff, he seems like a nice guy that the team liked working with. But, I don’t think he really understood what his role was. He was a choreographer and he did choreography. This would’ve been fine, even great for any other show, but not Cats.

Most modern musical theatre is based on opera. Characters sing about their feelings and that tells the story. The added element of dance takes the feelings of the song and amplifies them. The actors are emoting with their entire bodies in a larger-than-life way that creates an emotional intensity that audiences can empathize with. The music makes the audience feel what the characters are feeling in a way nothing else really can. Music is kind of magical. You hear a certain melody with certain instruments, and suddenly you’re happy, or sad, or angry.

This, by the way, is why going for realism in musicals is a terrible idea. Musicals don’t exist in physical reality. They exist on an emotional level that realism takes away from.

Cats rarely works like opera. The lyrics are mainly just adaptations of whimsical poems, so they don’t tell you much of anything. Memory, which features original lyrics and no dancing is an exception to this rule. In general, because they’re not dance roles, Grizabella and Old Deuteronomy have to use music and song lyrics to play their parts in the story. Jemima also does this whenever she does something connected to either one of them.

But, Cats is normally more of a ballet than an opera. Ballet tells a story purely through dance. Because the lyrics in Cats matter so rarely, it ends up working like a ballet, because the dance, unrelated to the poems, means something. It’s still a heightened reality where music invokes emotions and actors emote with their whole bodies, like in other musicals, but instead of the dance being an amplifier, it’s the storyteller.

ALW really liked a bunch of poems and wanted to put them to music. The result was a bunch of songs with a similar them but no real connection to each other. That works as a concept album, but Webber wanted a musical, an actual show where people danced to his concept album. He didn’t care about the story and didn’t expect anyone else to.

But, other people cared about the story. No one knew how to make a musical that’s not about something. Trevor Nunn added Memory and the storyline with Grizabella as an emotional centerpiece. There wasn’t a clear plot, but, on an emotional level, it now felt like something was actually happening. Gillian Lynne had no idea how to choreograph a musical about nothing, so she didn’t. She came up with her own interpretations of things and made the show about something. Several somethings, in fact. Victoria is going through puberty and discovering her sexuality. Demeter is recovering from an abusive sexual experience, with Bomba having a different attitude towards being in the same situation. The women in the story were given detailed story arcs that often revolved around their sexuality.

How sexuality is portrayed in Cats could be its own essay. 

Anyway, Cats tells its story with a unique style of choreography. Because the choreographer is the story teller, Lynne had a lot of influence over the show. She was the one who knew all the details. Blankenbuehler was brought in to choreograph a show, like a normal job for him, not knowing what that would actually mean. He came in to have dance amplify the emotions in the song lyrics like in any other musical, not knowing that that’s impossible to do with Cats. The role of choreographer meant a level of knowledge and control that would normally belong to the director, composer, and lyricist. He didn’t realize that the show having any story at all depended on him.

So, he did stuff that looked cool, but didn’t tell the story, or that took the story in a direction that it wasn’t supposed to go. Tugger dancing in front of a giant mirror is funny in the moment, but that sort of narcissism, though funny, isn’t likable, and Tugger needs to be likable. He’s a major character and he helps save the day at the end by hyping up Misto. But, 2016 Tugger hypes up Misto because if feels like Misto is the only cat he truly respects. He has the same respect for Old Deuteronomy that the others have, but he doesn’t sound quite as sincere when he sings about him. He spends so much of his number antagonizing Munkustrap in particular that it’s hard to believe that he has any respect for him.

What can be learned from these interviews is that Blankenbuehler didn’t know what his job truly was and was there because someone important thought Cats would be more popular in 2016 if it was more like Hamilton and got the Hamilton guy to give it a make-over. Nunn was so proud of the show’s success that he neglected what made it successful in the first place, and the 2016 cast was rushed through rehearsals without proper instructions. Everyone tried their best, but they were all stuck.

For the most part, I blame whoever decided to have Blankenbuehler rechoreograph the show. Blankenbuehler did what he thought his job was and the cast did their jobs to the best of their ability. What really ruined Cats 2016 was an executive decision to fix something that wasn’t broken, believing if they made the Old Big Show more like the New Big Show, that would make people love it again. But Hamilton is no more like Cats than a cat is like a dog.

[imaginariaextraordinaire]

Considering how #MeToo in South Korea has been a conversation about the way institutions and systems have failed survivors of sexual assault, bold move of The Devil Judge to make the case in the live court show to be one of sexual harassment.

Writer Moon Yeo-Seok packs a LOT into the storytelling in this episode. First of all, Yo-Han doesn't want this case to be on the live show, but he's effectively forced to take it on. It becomes clear that the judicial system has no interest in upholding women's rights, but is more than willing to use the topic to engage in power play. Yo-Han is being made to preside over this case of sexual harassment because his enemies hope to put him in a weak and defensive spot.

The case is this: A leading male actor is accused of sexual harassment by other actors and technicians. He's a serial offender. We're shown how he uses his position as a senior to threaten, intimidate and harass women who are lower than him in the professional hierarchy.

I thought it was quite interesting that the show chose to make the harasser an actor. It feels like a pointed statement about the industry's internal sexism. However, it's also worth noting that the reason the public prosecutor picks this case is not because he thinks he can win the case because there is evidence backing the allegations. The reason he's confident of winning is because he has other dirt on the actor.

When the actor is being questioned by the prosecutor, the prosecutor says he has evidence of the actor's deviant sexual preferences. We're not told what exactly these preferences are, but the threat of this information coming out is enough to convince the actor to admit to the sexual harassment charge. Sexual harassment is the lesser evil — because society has accepted and normalised it.

So the prosecution's case (as well the actor's admission) are both mired in deceit and falsehood. Which tells us that even if the allegations are true, it isn't enough to report sexual harassment and getting justice for victims/ survivors has little to do with the truth of an allegation.

What The Devil Judge shows us is that cases of sexual harassment are weapons and in this case, the target isn't the actor, but Yo-Han. In an effort to make Yo-Han deliver an inhumane sentence, the prosecutor says that since the actor has admitted to sexual harassment, he should be castrated. The argument is that castration will ensure there are no more victims, but the actual intention is to force Yo-Han's hand. In a previous episode, Yo-Han had brought flogging as punishment out of the medieval ages into the present; the prosecution suggests he's taking a leaf out of the same book with castration.

In an effort to argue against castration, the actor's lawyer says that the punishment is too severe especially since South Korea is a country with a low crime rate. The other judge — a woman — points out that the reality of those who live in secure bubbles of privilege is not the same as the lived reality of the poor. She reminds him (and the audience) that statistics and official narratives don't necessarily reflect the lived reality and institutions like the judiciary are supposed to look out for the underprivileged and marginalised.

Which is a point well worth making, but it's ironic that all these excellent explorations into the normalising of violence, the role of institutions and the concept of justice itself send the issue of sexual harassment to the sidelines.

Even when we return to the subject of the case, the focus is on the actor and the question is what would be justice for him. What he's done and his victims recede into the background. There's no discussion of restorative justice or reparations. Instead, all that anyone seems to care about is the dick, both literally and figuratively.

Ultimately, Yo-Han arrives at a solution that is punitive enough to satisfy the unforgiving public without seeming barbaric. He outsources to America. Yo-Han's solution is to ship the abusive actor off to a prison in Texas. Yes, the Lone Star State of the United States of America.

We're also told that the person who found this Texan prison and negotiated the prisoner-exchange deal is not Yo-Han but his niece, the wheelchair-bound teenager who is studying computer engineering in Stanford (she's a distance-education student). The whole complicated process shows how institutions fail women in South Korea. For anything close to justice, the guilty abuser has to be shipped to another country — in South Korea, he'd get away with bribing people and securing parole — and it's quite obvious that this is an exceptional situation for which credit is due to not to government institutions, but one individual woman's intelligence, resourcefulness and privilege.

The segment where Yo-Han delivers his verdict would have been hilarious and a really clever bit of satire if it didn't include a video in which American prisoners say they're waiting for their Korean inmate. The implication is that the Americans are going to sodomise the crap out of him, which is not just demonising homosexuality, but it also shows that to The Devil Judge, justice means continuing the cycle of abuse by reducing the abuser to a victim. Needless to say, the guy who makes our Korean abuser shudder in horror is a leering Black man, neatly combining racism and homophobia in a single shot. It's disgusting, unnecessary and completely lacking even a hint of nuance.

Episode 5 ends with Yo-Han handcuffed to a chair and Soon-Ah forcibly kissing him. It comes quick on the heels of the trial, which suggests the show is trying to make the point that women can sexually harass men too — a tired, hackneyed and idiotic argument because it ignores the tiny detail that our existing socio-cultural structures empower men and disempower women. But let's set aside sociology and cultural studies and just stick to what's happening in the plot of The Devil Judge.

In an earlier episode, when the housekeeper was telling Ga-On about Yo-Han, she'd mentioned there was a maid who fell in love with Yo-Han and that Yo-Han had made her jump off the second floor. It seems Soon-Ah might be that maid (or maybe she's related to that maid?) and that she's nursed an obsessive crush on Yo-Han.

Ergo, present-day Yo-Han being kidnapped and handcuffed to a chair. All for Soon-Ah's pleasure, thank you very much. To really bring that point home, Soon-Ah calls Yo-Han "young master" and then plants a very un-chaste kiss on his person.

Is this kiss supposed to be hot? I've no idea. What is definitely unambiguous is that the kiss is not consensual. Yo-Han is clearly not feeling it and the lack of response isn't bothering Soon-Ah in the slightest.

In earlier episodes, Soon-Ah has been the protector — like when she punishes the foundation's director for groping the server — so it's particularly disappointing that the writer chose to make Soon-Ah an abuser in order to establish her villain identity. I really liked the idea that Soon-Ah is the actual power behind the all-powerful Social Responsibility Foundation. The reveal was reminiscent of the reveal in Vincenzo, except in The Devil Judge, this charade felt far more credible and convincing. For Soon-Ah, a young woman in a patriarchal, male-dominated and conservative society, an old man as a figurehead would mean doors opening easier and other men taking her company seriously. The facade of the old man as the director and Soon-Ah being ignored by most people showed that seedy, sleazy men trust other seedy, sleazy men.

I was quite looking forward to this scheming, ambitious woman going up against Yo-Han, but the end of episode 5 has reduced Soon-Ah to a misogynist stereotype. I'm hoping that the next episode will add some nuance/ dimension to Soon-Ah, but as of episode 5, she's the incel's wet dream. And that is disappointing af.

[dumbass-mha-simp]

Hawks x Reader

This is very self indulgent tbh. Mostly gender neutral but does mention make up. Also the reader has mega family trauma cuz same.

Warnings: mentions of food, alcohol, reader is drunk but keigo is vv respectful & doesn't try anything, reader doesn't talk to their family, past family abuse, reader is kinda mean to him at first

I wrote this at like 4am and my phone is wonky and keeps autocorrecting "you" to "he" for no reason but i did like one quick pass through before posting so hopefully it's good enough, this is probably one of the first times I've actually published my fanfiction so hopefully it ain't shit,

----------------------------------

For the last couple months you've been teasing him. Practically any other girl in your position would swoon in your position. But where's the fun in letting him get what he wants so quick?

Pro Hero Hawks, had seemingly everyone wrapped around his finger. With eyes pierced in deep gold and, blazing, ruby red wings, it's hard for anyone to not be attracted to him.

You stood in the back corner of a "special hero party," trying to discern if you should sneak out and do anything more interesting than standing with a bunch of other heros.

"Hello there, beautiful." A thick and sweet voice called as you turned your head to them. "Looking lonely all alone back here, let me join?" Hawks, the number two hero was offering to stand with you. Staying it is I suppose.

"I admire your work, you're really dedicated kid. I like watching your stuff." He says taking a slow sip of his drink.

"You? You watch me?" The disbelief of it rung through in sarcasm. How were you to expect someone like him watched your work. You continued sipping from your drink, even if it was a boring party there was free fancy alcohol and that's all a hero could ever need.

"I wanna see more of you, and not just on the screen or anything. I want to get to know you, you know, maybe take you out a bit, hottie." He uses his middle finger to gently lift your chin up.

"And why do you think I'd immediately just accept some date from a guy I've never even talked to?" You dryly laugh out taking another sip.

"C'mon pretty thing, you know me. Your friendly neighborhood Hawks. The hottest, and most loved person you'll ever meet."

"Ah that's what you are, the hot, amazing, charming, hero to any and all." You scoffed

"The one and only."

You spent the rest of the night either playing hard to get, or annoyed at him. You couldn't exactly tell.

This carried on for months, every event you attended, he was right there on your heels like an abandoned, clingy puppy. He's even started patrolling with you.

"Say when are you gonna quit and just accept a date dollie?" He charmed up behind you.

"I'm at work, Hawks." Your boots cracked on the wet pavement as the last bits of rain desperately clung to the air.

"Why do you play so hard to get?" He questioned in a more serious tone. He was genuinely curious about you. "Most people would kill to have me begging for them, let alone after giving me to cold shoulder so many times." You could hear the upturn in his lips as he spoke.

"Why do you happen to find me the one person worth going for?" You retorted back.

"You interest me. There's very few people I'm genuinely curious about, but one of them's you, kid." He looked up into your eyes from the street. Something you'd never thought you'd see in Hawks' eyes was sincerity over such a topic. He genuinely wanted to know you.

".........Let's just say letting people in isn't my forte." You say quickly but with a slight hint of pain. You begin to walk off again and he doesn't question. He doesn't push you to tell him why. But you could see the way he processes your words on his face.

A bar, on a Thursday night, alone. How pathetic of you. Luckily you had no work tomorrow, a big mission the week before let them cut a couple weekends longer. As you downed your refill you questioned how many you've had.

"How long have I been here?" You whispered slightly to yourself before bringing it to your lips.

The warm rush reflow through your body as you let yourself fall to it. The bartender looked at you from the corner of his eye.

"I'm cutting you off for the night." He looks earnestly at you.

"Now that's not very nice there." You laugh back at him.

You pull out your phone and attempt to call some friends but lucky enough for you, you chose a night they were all at work to recklessly get drunk in the middle of the city. The only other contact you could think of was Hawks.

There's no way he'll pick up. He's gotta be busy. I could find literally anyone else to do it. You mutter in your brain as you go into his contact and start a call.

It rings twice before his voice calls out to you. "Hey this is hawks. ... (Y/h/n), are you there?"

Okay act cool and sober. "Heeeeyyy bird." Shit.

You could practically feel his shit eating grin across the phone. "You in need of a hero babe?"

"Can you please pick me up?" A whine took over your voice. You hated being drunk in front of people like him. That soft affectionate side seems to burst its way out when the alcohol takes control.

"Tell me where you are birdie." He said as you heard some ruffling. "(Bar name idk)." You rough out tiredly.

"Be right there angel." He called before hanging up.

You put the phone down on the counter and groaned. Why him? You try so hard to make sure you don't fall for people. They always end up like the last. You feel like they stop caring once they really meet you. Like they don't want the cake after the first bite.

Used, alone, and forgotten. It's a stabbing feeling that your used to. A feeling of burning heaviness in your stomach.

You sit slumped down onto the bar contemplating your feelings for the winged hero for awhile. Why can't emotions just be controlled?

"Hey-o!" You heard a voice from behind you break through the thoughts corrupting your mind. Hawks smiled and thanked the bartender before reaching his arms around you and helping you off the stool.

I didn't know he could be so gentle..

He walked you out the door and held your arms softly, but supportedly as he looked you in the face. "I'm gonna fly us okay? Don't wriggle to much." With that he picks you up and starts beating his wings.

"Hawks?" You call slurred and quiet.

"Yeah, kid?" He glances down at you with a light smile.

"What's your real name?"

"Well why would I tell you that when you refuse to tell me yours so often?" He chuckled.

"(Y/n) (y/l/n)"

"W..what?"

"My name. It's (Y/n) (y/l/n)." You replied back.

You could see the confusion of your open demeanor. But there was something else in his eyes. Something you couldn't put your finger on.

"Soooooooo....." you trailed off with a smile.

"Keigo Takami." He chortled at your ridiculous smile.

"That's a lot prettier than I thought it would be." You stared into his face. How could anyone not find him attractive. The perfect mix of facial hair, jawline, that dumb grin that was insanely attractive, those eyes that were the perfect gold.

"You're gorgeous, Keigo." You whisper more to yourself than him.

"And you apparently drank a lot more than I suspected." He tried to brush off but you could feel a bit more heat from his face.

"Here it is." He lands gingerly and places you down on the ground, wrapping his arm under your shoulder and holding onto the small of your back. "Let's get you in bed."

"Have you eaten today?" He calls after setting you on the couch and going to the kitchen to get you some water. You shake your head and he looks a little concerned but doesn't push it. He hasn't either so late take out it is.

"What do you want?" He looks to you above the old paper menu he has saved from a place not to far from here. "Cuddles." You pout looking through your phone.

"I meant for dinner (y/n)." He laughs at you. "Oooh that makes sense." You laugh too, "anything with noodles and shrimp, I reaaaaally like shrimp." You smile at him wholesomely as he looks at you with the same missing thing as earlier in his eyes.

He orders for the both of you then takes you to the bathroom and sits you on the counter with your bag. "Makeup remover?" He asked placing your bag on your lap. You pull out some individual wipes as he gentle pulls them from your fingers and moves the bag to the side.

He softly wipes at your face as you close your eyes and focus on the feeling of his hands. After wiping the makeup off he wipes down your face with water to make sure there's no remover left either.

"Beautiful. Now do you want to go watch something while we wait for the food?"

His eyes gleamed at you and it filled you with that feeling of admiration. He was being so considerate and kind. Nothing like you imagined. You were safe. Safe here with him by your side.

You placed a kiss to his cheek.

"(Y/nn)," he closed his eyes softly taking in the tingle of where your lips pressed. "You're drunk off your ass, baby. Lets get you fed and in bed, dear." You nod tiredly as he pulls you down from the counter.

You sit back down on his couch as he answers the door and takes the food. "Someone order shrimp?"

"Oooo!" You clap your hands rapidly and look to him excitedly. He giggles at you and hands you the food.

You sit and eat together. Talking about whatever comes to mind first and building on from wherever it wandered.

"So, what's your family like?" He asked innocently enough. "Eh." You brushed off. A subject you never liked was family.

"I get that." He tried to laugh but it seemed forced. "I was born with two parents and couldn't get a single one to even care about me." You laughed to him.

"Do you talk to them?" He looks like he wants your answer. Like he cares about what you say.

"I try not to. I cut them off when I was a teen, everyone blamed it on me being a dumb rebellious kid. No one ever tried to see what happened in those walls." You trailed off.

"Were you hurt?" He tilts his head as concern covers his features. "That's an understatement." You force a smile back at him and take a bite.

"I...I think I kinda understand what you feel in a way." You meet his eyes as they lazily traveled to the floor. His thoughts stiring from behind his pupils.

"No parent buddies?" You put out your hand for a fist bump. He laughs and fist bumps you, "Yeah, no parent buddies."

You lean a bit closer to him. "I'm sorry you were hurt. They didn't deserve the control they had over you." You went a bit more serious as you draw your eyes up to him.

"Im sorry for you too." He breathed out to you. "Now let's get you in bed." A smile took over as he moved your empty food package onto the table and picked you up.

"PUT ME DOWN KEIGO!" You laugh and softly hit your hands against him. He laughs with you then throws you onto the bed.

"Why am I on the bed?" You frown. "Why wouldn't you be?" He looks as he places your water on the night stand next to you.

"It's your bed."

"And I get to choose who sleeps in it."

He places a feather-light kiss on your temples then goes to the door.

"Keigo-" he turns, "cuddle me?"

"I'll clean up and be back here soon okay?" He smiles at you. "Okay"

After twenty minutes of struggling to keep yourself up you feel a weight press into the mattress, keeping some distance.

You roll up next to him and wrap yourself around him.

"Sweet dreams Keigo."

"Goodnight, (y/n)."

And there he was when you woke up. Right beside you. After awhile you got used to seeing his face when you woke up. Always being able to see the look in his eyes you tried so hard to put your finger on. The lovestruck stupid he was for you.

[frizz22]

Book Review pt 2

Prompt from @somethingwicked19: Book review ch. 91 part two where the sisters talk and reconcile. Read on ao3 here

Wow, sorry for the complete lack of anything written for ages. I hope some of you who sent me prompts a while ago are still round to enjoy them when I get to them. Enjoy!

Hilda watched Zelda flee, not that her sister would ever call it such, and guilt roiled through her.

She didn’t handle that properly.

Well, to be honest, she shouldn’t have written the book this way in the first place. It was one thing to pull inspiration from real life, it was quite another to cruelly denigrate her sister in the process.

Especially... especially when Zelda was right. Her sister had encouraged her relationship with Cee, dried her tears over a misunderstood rejection, and helped with the Damascus steel.

It’d just been so easy, though. Hilda could hardly write ill of the dead, and it wasn’t as though Edward would disapprove in any case, not with his enthrallment with mortals. And then there was Zelda’s reaction to Diana.

Write what she knew.

That was the advice Cee gave when she expressed an interest in writing a book. And, well, Hilda knew all too well how her sister acted in the past to relationships with mortals; making her the villain fit with the story line and, really, once her characters came clean about their respective abilities—demon and witch—another obstacle needed to be thrown at them or the book would’ve been woefully short.

Still, insisting the villain be a ‘loveless, spinster hag’, especially when Hilda certainly didn’t see Zelda that way, was a misstep to say the least. Then sharing it with the students when the other comparisons were obvious was another.... Hilda had just been so excited about it and wanted to share her accomplishment with everyone that she hadn’t stopped to think.

Perhaps she should have shared it with Zelda first... but Hilda now knew why she hadn’t done that, because on some unconscious level, she knew she was in the wrong.

Collecting herself, Hilda quickly checked on the students once more before going to find her sister and apologize; the bare minimum she could do. Thankfully, Zelda only went as far as her office; they were still in the midst of a crisis, after all and her sister was never one to shirk her duties.

Tentatively knocking on the door, Hilda stepped inside. “Zelds?”

“Not now, Hilda, this ‘hag’ has work to do.” Zelda snapped, not looking up from the documents in front of her.

Heart clenching at how Zelda immediately shrouded herself in the insult, wearing it like a badge so it couldn’t be used against her, Hilda shut the door behind her. “And this awful sister needs to apologize.” She murmured, tugging at the ends of her sleeves.

Jaw jutting to the side, Zelda scoffed. “Perhaps, but it’s for your benefit, not mine. You only feel guilty now that I’ve confronted you. If you truly felt bad about the contents of that book, you’d never have published it. Let alone spread it like poison through the entire coven.”

Hilda grimaced and moved closer. “I lacked a lot of foresight regarding the book, and you’re right, I never should have shared it with the coven. I let my excitement over actually publishing something blind me to the consequences. I’m sorry, I know it changes nothing, but I am sorry. You did support me and Cee, it was wrong to suggest otherwise, even if it was in fiction.” She admitted, still trying to catch her sister’s eye and failing. “But I think my bigger blunder was never realizing what pain you went through during and after the Caligari spell.”

That caught Zelda’s attention, she stiffened and then swallowed hard. “Nonsense.”

Undeterred, Hilda pressed on. “Zelds, you used the word torturous—"

Her sister’s hands slammed onto the desk suddenly, startling Hilda. “Torturous because of boredom.” Zelda retorted harshly, though her eyes shone brightly with unshed tears as she continued to focus on the papers in front of her. “I was trapped inside my head and forced to listen to Faustus blather on and on, Hell knew how I longed to roll my eyes and slap him quiet. You misunderstood me.”

Tears welling, Hilda edged a bit closer. “I don’t think I did.” She whispered.

Muscles in her cheek twitching, Zelda shook her head. “You did. You misunderstood. That spell, it was just mind numbing, literally. Nothing—" her voice cracked, “nothing else happened. Besides, Faustus and I never loved one another, I said as much when he proposed, and he proved as much with the Caligari.” Struggling to contain herself, Zelda added. “So, your description might be more on point than I originally thought. Loveless...” she scoffed a little wetly, “how apt. Now leave, I’ve work to do.” She waved a hand to dismiss Hilda further.

“No.” Hilda stated firmly, arms crossing. “I was cruel. I made our petty fights public, at least the times you were cruel you kept it at home, so no one bore witness to it. I—"

Her sister finally looked at her, face hard. “I couldn’t care less about this trash you’ve written.” She snarled, eyes flashing. But Hilda could see straight through the lie, straight through the mask and see the pain lurking in Zelda’s eyes.

She sighed, knowing when to pick her battles after centuries of fights, perhaps they’d revisit this book topic when Zelda wasn’t quite so raw. “Then we’ll forget about the book, I just wanted to make sure I apologized for it.” She paused, giving Zelda one last chance to contradict her, to carry on so they could fully clear the air, but her sister merely cocked an unimpressed brow. Exhaling softly, Hilda pressed in. “I won’t let the effects of the Caligari spell go, though.” On that, Hilda was adamant. She should have realized, shouldn’t have let Zelda go back once free. This, this was a battle she’d chose until the end of time. Hilda couldn’t, and wouldn’t, let her sister continue to suffer in silence.

A mocking laugh emanated from Zelda. “You won’t let it go?” She scoffed and wiped her eyes in what she likely thought a discreet manner. “Hilda, this matter doesn’t concern you. It clearly didn’t concern you while it was ongoing, seeing as I remained under the spell for a good time after I returned home. It clearly didn’t concern you once it was lifted and I went back under its pretense. So, the aftereffects certainly don’t concern you either.” Eyes blazing, Zelda was breathing heavily by the end of her speech.

Wounded by the not entirely unwarranted diatribe, Hilda pressed her lips together to keep her chin from trembling, because despite herself, Zelda just admitted to there being aftereffects. And this slip told Hilda more than anything else, because if her normally tight lipped and controlled sister was letting things slip, it was far worse than Hilda imagined. Composing herself with a little difficulty, Hilda swallowed. “Zelds, please, you’re right. Of course you are, but please, help me understand. I want to help, however you’ll let me.”

“And if I won’t let you?” Zelda scoffed, and Hilda could practically see her sister’s walls climbing even higher.

She closed the remaining distance between them and reached to touch Zelda’s hand where it lay clenched on the desk. “Then I’ll be here until you do.” Hilda murmured softly, forcing herself not to cry when Zelda jerked her hand away.

Huffing, Zelda ran her tongue over her teeth. “I suppose I’ve no say in the matter? That you’ll make yourself a nuisance until I allow you to help?” And though her tone was laced with derision, the way Zelda looked at her told Hilda that her persistence was what her sister needed.

That after everything—after Blackwood’s abuse, the coven labeling her a bitch, Sabrina loosing Lucifer, Hilda betraying her trust—what her sister needed most was a demonstration that someone truly did care and would stand by her side.

Not that Zelda would ever admit to as much.

But Hilda knew her sister. Could read between the lines and behind the stoic masks, and she refused to be pushed away by venomous words or actions when she knew this was an unhealthy coping mechanism she triggered with her book.

Persistence.

It was something Hilda would only be too happy to provide if it meant repairing what she broke with the book, and perhaps the same persistence would help Hilda patch up some other pieces of Zelda that she refused to acknowledge were hurting.

Squaring her shoulders, Hilda nodded curtly. “Correct, you’ve no say in the matter. I’m here for you, Zelds, always, whether you like it or not.”

Lips twisting for a moment in unveiled emotion, Zelda quickly regained herself and rolled her eyes. “Fine. It seems you’re adamant and arguing with you is a waste of time. I’ve much to do, Hilda, if you insist on helping me, I suggest you go back to the infirmary and check on the students.”

Another clear dismissal, though this time Hilda took her leave, but not before quickly catching Zelda’s hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze. When her sister didn’t flinch, pull away, or hurl some insult at her, Hilda smiled softly and hurried back to the infirmary.

Everything wasn’t fixed, far from it, their relationship too complex for easy solutions… but Hilda knew they’d taken a step in the right direction. Knew she loved her sister and that Zelda loved her just as fiercely back, and if on occasion it seemed otherwise, well, thank goodness witches lived so long, so that they might show those they loved how much they truly meant and deserved.