#i have one to two mutuals who care about nicky. does that stop me??? NO!!!

[sea-shelly]

'Sorry to put Maks on your dash but -' aren't you tired.

[with-my-murder-flute]

Hi everybody, thanks for the asks letting me know I made the top of @yusuftiddies’ list of Homophobes in TOG Fandom, you can stop sending them now.

So.

I can make mistakes and fuck up and own that. I am serious about listening to marginalized people. But... in this case, while @yusufstiddies generally describes factual events that happened and factual posts that exist, I have to say that I can’t actually apologize for the things I’m called out for because I don’t think they’re homophobic. The things he criticizes me for are things that come from a lot of personal experience as a queer bisexual cis woman, as well as a lot of reflection, research, and study. I believe in them really strongly and stand by them.

I’m really sorry if this makes TOG fandom too hostile, because it is not my intention to make this place so unpleasant that anyone feels driven out. I understand if my stance means people no longer want to follow me/read my stuff/participate in projects I’m involved with (though I’d rather hand off the Research Hub to someone else than see it go down with me). I’m posting this so people can know where they stand before they decide whether to keep interacting with my blog, or “deplatform” me as @yusufstiddies recommends.

I would recommend, for anyone who doesn’t want to see my posts, using Tumblr’s new post content filtering feature. If you type a username (like star-anise or with-my-murder-flute) into it, Tumblr will hide all posts featuring that specific string of characters, and therefore any post or reblog of mine.

To address the accusations against me:

I am an anti-anti: Yes. I’ve reblogged posts of mine about this before. I care passionately about preventing child abuse, but I think there are better ways to prevent child abuse in fandom (like concrete harassment policies so predatory behaviour can be reported and stopped early, and education about digital consent and healthy relationships) than attacking people who write “bad ships,” not least because the first people it hurts are abuse survivors trying to work through their trauma, and because the research says you cannot actually tell who’s a sexual predator based on what they write about.  Fiction affects reality, but not on a 1:1 basis. My mainblog, @star-anise, has a really extensive archive of my writing on the subject.

I said cishet men aren’t more privileged than gay men: Kinda. What I actually did was question whether Every Single Cishet Man benefits from more privilege than Every Single Gay Man. If a man is cishet but gets beaten up because people perceive him as gay, he’s not exactly feeling the warm toasty glow of heterosexual privilege in that moment. Oppression is complicated and there are times when someone’s lack of privilege on one axis is way less important than someone else’s lack of privilege on another axis.

The post above also includes me reblogging someone else’s addition about how straight men can be included in the queer movement: I’m queer. @yusufstiddies has made it very clear that he isn’t comfortable with the word “queer” and doesn’t like it. Therefore I think it’s understandable that he might not understand that the queer community sees ourselves as a coalition of people dedicated to dismantling the structures of sex and gender that oppress us, not a demographic of people whose gender identities or sexual orientations can be neatly mapped. However, I would say that doesn’t make queer theory inherently homophobic.

There are also some related points @yusufstiddies didn’t level at me specifically, but I would like to address:

The constant focus on the unsafeness of cishet people:

I’m not cishet. I’m a bisexual woman who’s dated women. Sixth-light is a queer woman married to a woman. This is not an issue of non-LGBTQ+ people blundering their way into something they don’t experience the daily consequences of. This is an issue of people from WITHIN the LGBTQ+ community who sincerely disagree with @yusufstiddies about the pressures we experience and how best to deal with them. I think that even if @yusufstiddies were to filter his fiction input to only LGBT-written work about LGBT experiences, or even only trans-written work about trans people, he would still find a lot of things he finds upsetting or transphobic, because sexual and gender identities are really diverse and not everything will suit one person.

The contention that saying “’Queer is a slur’ is TERF propaganda” is transmisogyny because it dilutes the definition of “TERF”:

People who point out the phrase is TERF propaganda are not calling every person who says it a TERF, and we are not trying to argue that telling a queer person that queer is a slur is inherently equal to the kind of damage a TERF does when she attacks a trans woman out of transphobia. Queer people being able to use the word “queer” does not have the same importance as trans women being able to live, work, and survive in public. Rather, we are literally saying, “This is a thing TERFs say when they take a break from attacking trans women and try to recruit new members to their group, so it’s in our best interests to not give it too wide a currency.”

Some people have experienced the word “queer” used as a hateful word hurled against them and don’t want to hear it ever again. I get that. It happens. Where I grew up, “gay” was a synonym for “shitty” and it took me a lot of years out of high school before the word “gay” wouldn’t shoot my blood pressure through the roof.  I actually do understand that and think that’s valid (and again, support using post content filtering for that word).

One of the things I do at @star-anise is argue with young people who are headed into full-on transmisogynistic TERF territory, and work at reeling them back and deradicalizing them. I use a tag called “weedwhacking” so my followers can filter out the sometimes lengthy back-and-forths we get going.

Something I’ve learned, interacting with so many TERFs and proto-TERFs, is that one way they frequently get recruited into harassing trans people was through discourse around the word “queer”. For one, it encouraged them to want to distance themselves from any perception of LGBT people as “weird” or “not normal”, which led to seeing trans people as “weird” and “not normal” and therefore not good members of the “gay pride” community. For two, repeating “queer is a slur” predictably causes a lot of queer people to react in a defensive manner, so by teaching young or new people to say it, TERFs can set them up to feel alienated from the larger LGBTQ+ community and more open to TERF propaganda.

The next issue isn’t mentioned in the original callout post, but I think it’s key to this entire issue:

@yusufstiddies has made several posts about what cishet people should and shouldn’t write. For example, cishets shouldn’t write Nicky experiencing internalized homophobia.  Another is a detailed post of things cishets shouldn’t write about trans people, including which sexual positions only trans people are allowed to write. I would imagine that part of his frustration with fandom has been the lack of traction those posts have gotten. I know I very deliberately didn’t reblog them.

That isn’t because I don’t agree that the things he complains about are rarely handled well by cishet authors. I agree that there’s a lot of bad fic out there that contributes to negative stereotypes against LGBTQ+ people and is basically a microaggression to read.

I have two very deeply-seated reasons for my position:

LGBTQ+ identities are different from many other political identities because most people are not born identifiably LGBTQ+. It’s something we have to figure out about ourselves. And one really important way that we do that is using the safety of fiction to explore what an experience would be like, sometimes years before we ever admit that we fit the identity we’ve written about. So banning cishet authors from writing something is really likely to harm closeted and questioning LGBTQ+ people. It will lengthen the amount of time questioning people take before finding the identity that really fits them, and force closeted people to be even more closeted. 

There’s a lot of undeniably shitty stuff in fandom. However, I fundamentally believe that trying to target the people creating it and forcing them to stop doesn’t work very well, and has the serious byproduct of killing the creativity and enthusiasm of the rest of fandom and resulting in less of the actual thing you like being produced. I think that it is infinitely more productive to focus on improving the ratio of good stuff in fandom than trying to snuff out every bad thing.

Like I said: I understand if this means former followers, mutuals, or friends no longer want to interact with me. I’ll be saddened, but I’ve obviously chosen this path and can deal with the consequences. 

I wish this could have worked out differently.

[honestlyzenoouh]

Aaron Goes Big Instead Of Home (And Poor Kevin Dies A Bit Inside)

This fic is also on AO3 if you prefer to read over there :) 

This was all Neils fault, 100% the little assholes fault. It was a simple bet, a very small one indeed. The fact that Neil even agreed to the bet, should have tipped Aaron off from the very start. But sadly, Aaron is nothing but a salty bitch when it comes to Neil, and the fact the bet involved his brother was even better. He could kill two, no actually tree birds with one tiny victory. Convince his brother that his relationship with Neil was nothing but loveless sex, prove Neil wrong whilst also getting to humiliate him. Win win win.

Teeny tiny flaw in his plan though. Neil won. Neil actually got Andrew to casually display relationship like PDA. With Andrew initiating. Holding hands, kisses goodbye, softly touching hips to get by each other, the whole shebang. Fuck. Damnit. Crap. He wasn’t suppose to readily showcase his emotions towards Neil, he was suppose to prove to both Aaron and himself that the relationship was a fad, and let it fizzle out like his and Katelyns. Okay, he might have been a little bit bitter, as well as the usual annoyance Neil brings out in him, when he made the bet. Whatever.

So here Aaron stood, almost exactly six months after the bet started, in Katelyn’s bathroom just looking at the offending clothes. Katelyn and him might have broken up, but they still consider each other their platonic soulmates. The sex kinda spelled that out for them, not really enjoyable for either of them. Katelyn found out she definitely was on the asexual spectrum, where sex was only enjoyable for her sometimes. When they first got together she had laid all the cards on the table, and told him her feelings about sex, and Aaron had been very understanding and patient with her. It took a long time for their relationship to turn physical, other than the casual kissing and hand holding, and in the two and a half years they had been together, actual sex had only happened a handful of times. And only one of those times had been somewhat satisfactory for both of them.

It was after the last time they had sex, one of the worse experiences for both of them, that Katelyn suggested they might be right for each other. Aaron had wanted to argue with her, wanted to be hurt she would say such a thing, but Aaron had been having the same thoughts for a while before. Because while Katelyn might be asexual, Aaron sure as fuck wasn’t. He got urges and fantasies, and whilst he understood Katelyn didn’t, he also knew it wasn’t her fault they weren’t clicking right sexually. So they mutually decided that they might be better of as best friends instead of partners, but weren’t ready to tell people. Katelyn wasn’t ready to come out, and Aaron would like to keep his pride and not be pitied.

(The sexual identity crisis that sprung forwards in Aaron when he actually realized that it was not only Katelyn that didn’t find pleasure in their sex life is not to be spoken about. Internalized homophobia and too much alcohol doesn’t mix, too many tears, understanding Nickys, and not nearly enough answers. Whatever, he has time to figure it out when the time is right.)

The uniforms material felt way too heavy in his hands, considering it was only a two piece, yet it was surprisingly soft. He guessed that’s what happens if you actually use fabric softener, but what was he suppose to know? He didn’t care enough about his clothes to spend the extra cash on that shit. Katelyn does though, or whoever she borrowed the clothes from did.

He shifted the fabric around his fingers and actively considered forfeiting his dare. However the mere thought of letting Neil win even more, made him visible recoil and slightly nauseas. Fuck that, a thousand times over. A simple knock on the door and a voice asking if he was okay in there, got him out of his staring contest with the outfit, and mumble something even he wasn’t sure what meant.

Taking a deep breath he finally shimmed out of his pants, and pulled the undergarment of the uniform on. A bit shorter than he was used to, but not too bad. Taking off his hoodie and replacing it with the top, made it all a bit much, and way too real. He’s gonna lose his dignity as well as his masculinity to this. The bright orange Vixens uniform sat tight against his chest, but flowed nicely the rest of the way down. Turning a bit this way and that, he got to study his whole body. His ass which normally was kinda flat, popped a bit with the skirt accentuating its shape flatteringly. His shoulder and biceps got the same treatment with the tanktop’s broad straps. So maybe not all masculinity is lost to this. Gathering a bit of his spite for Neil, and general courage, he finally unlocked the door. Finding his last fucks to give after a couple of more moments, he also opened the door. Luckily, it was only Katelyn waiting for him. She moved her head from her phone and smiled from her upside down position on the couch.

“You good?” She simply asked him. Kneading the fabric of the skirt, and pulling at it a bit he nodded.

“As good as I’m gonna get, wearing a skirt because of a stupid fucking bet. I’m so stupid.” Pulling  a bit more on the skirt, he looked around. “Where are the others? I just really wanna get this over and done with” Katelyn helpfully pointed downward, hopefully meaning Fox Towers third floor and not the parking lot. Sighing and looking at her with tense shoulders, a question all by it self, she only raised an eyebrow and gave him a look. Obviously not the parking lot, who did he think she was? A monster? Him lifting one of his now unclenched shoulders, no, but you do enjoy to slightly bullying me, so why not. Katelyn snorted and finally got up from the couch.

“I thought about it, not going to lie to you, but your face when I gave you the uniform made me reconsider. You looked like a kicked puppy, it was so sad.” Aaron grunted to make his displeasure know, but followed her to the front door. He only hesitated a bit going through, so little only people who really knew him would realize. Luckily, (or unluckily, depending on how you view it) Katelyn was one of those very few people, and she put an arm around his shoulders for comfort. Together they walked the short way to stairs and down the two flights from fifth to the third floor, thankfully without running into anyone. The hallway of the third floor also blessedly empty, gave Aaron a false sense of fortitude. Holding on to it, until it became as genuine as it’s gonna be, he looked up to Katelyn, “Which room?”

After a quick glance at her phone, she nodded towards the upperclassmen’s room. Great, so Neil roped the whole team together to witness this. Fucker. Shaking off the rest of his nerves, he shrugged off Katelyn’s arm and walked up to the door. Opening and stepping inside made his heart start pounding, but nothing happened. Literally nobody was even looking at him, or acknowledging his presence at all. All eyes seem to be on his twin, currently laying face down on the floor. “This is the worst day of my life” came muffled from the floor. Looking from face to face, Aaron finally made eye contact with someone. Sadly that someone was Neil.

Raising an eyebrow at him, Aaron silently dared him to comment. Unable to backdown, Neil did just that. “Okay Minyard, that’s a bit low, even for you” Nodding towards Aarons chest area whilst he said so, made Aaron look down at the v-neck. Sure it was a bit deep, considering his lack of boobs, but it wasn’t that bad. The v stopped at about the middle of his chest, pale blond hairs exposed to world for once. Bracing himself once again for all the attention that was bound to come his way, now that Neil had spoken to him, he took another step into the room, Katelyn right behind him. But still, all eyes except for Neils’ were on his twin as an unenthusiastic “fuck you” came from the floor. This time it was Neil that raised an eyebrow, want to make a game of this? Aaron nodded once, intrigued with this whole situation.

“Seriously A, isn’t this a bit over the top?” Neil gestured a bit with his hands, presumably meaning the Vixens uniform. Fair question, when the forfeit only specified a skirt. But Aaron kinda lived by go big or go home, and when he asked Katelyn if he could borrow a skirt, and the only thing she had he would be able to fit in was the uniform he said fuck it. To answer Neils question he nodded towards Katelyn, who gave a tiny wave. A look of understanding crossed his face when an answer came from the floor. “This is a perfectly reasonable reaction” This startled a laugh out of Nicky, and made Kevin look up from Andrew towards Neil. When he saw him looking nowhere near Andrew he followed Neils eyesight and caught sight of Aaron. His eyes widened and he stood stock still, but not a noise or word passed through him. Aaron didn’t get the time to analyze that particular reaction, as Neil once more spoke up.

“Right, sure. Kevin, what is your take on the situation? I mean, he only lost a bet, isn’t that a bit overly dramatic?” The mischievous grin he wore didn’t bore well for Aaron. He knew something Aaron didn’t, that fucker. When all Kevin seemed able of answering was a stuttery mess, the foxes finally shifted their attention away from Andrew, most likely to laugh at Kevins inability to talk. Yet, once they saw Kevins now slightly awed expression, and both his and Neils direction of sight, they subsequently came to look in Aarons direction.

What followed was probably the most awkward five seconds of Aarons life. It started as a stunned silence, which was broken by Kevin sadly saying “This is a very bad time to have an identity crisis.”, after that all hell seemed to break loose. Nicky and Allison were actively trying to get Kevin to elaborate on that, and close some bets for them. Matt and Dan were looking at each other, and then at Aaron seemingly trying to work out how best to approach the situation. The new foxes tried to gently blend into the background and disappear with no luck. Only Renee was brave enough to face him. “Hello Aaron, I like your outfit. Is this a new thing we might see more often?”

The innocent question floored Aaron for a bit, and shut the foxes up again. Sure he was still trying to figure out his sexuality, but his gender identity was never a question for him. But now that he was thinking about it, he didn’t actually mind wearing the skirt. Sure it wasn’t completely comfortable, but it was a sports uniform. His own was made of the same kinda fabric and had the same feel, so he was use to that. But if he found a more modest skirt in more comfortable fabric, he didn’t think he’d mind it all that much. I did make his ass pop. Really thinking about that fact made his brain momentarily shut down. Once rebooted he looked Renee in the eyes and answered

“I don’t, I don’t think so? I mean, I’m not sure? It might? Can I get back to you on that one?” Trying to be more open with foxes had been a thing he’s been working on as a new years resolution, but here two months later, it was still really hard. Admitting that hurt a little. Shifting his attention towards Neil again he suddenly realized something. “You didn’t tell them did you?”

“No, I didn’t actually think you would go through with it.” He shrugged his shoulders and smirked at Aaron

“Tell us what?” Came from floor. Andrew had finally decided to join the conversation, apparently. He had only turned his face from directly down, to towards Aaron at the door. He didn’t seem too judgmental, only a bit confused. Ever since Bee had finally convinced Andrew to try a new type of medication, to treat his bipolar disorder and depression, Andrew had become a whole new person. A much more readable person, but you still can’t be a 100% sure with him.

“I made a bet with Neil, and obviously lost. So my punishment was to go out of my comfort zone in the clothes department, considering and I quote; I bitch so much about his. I thought a skirt was the most out there for me. Why are you lying on floor?” Ah, the dreaded communication they needed to better. They were getting there, albeit slowly. Bee helped a lot.

“Andrew got cocky about his biceps, and Matt challenged it with an arm wrestle match. As you can probably guess, Andrew lost.” Dan cheerfully informed from beside Matt, who looked rightfully smug. This made Andrew turn downwards agin and groan sadly. “I benchpress more than any of you” was spoken into the floor. This made the foxes laugh once more. Aaron shuffled a bit from foot to foot, and made the tactful decision to leave with all the focus on his brother. He technically did do the forfeit after all. Get out of his comfort zone and show at least 4 different foxes. Whether it was individually or in a group was up to him.

When he got to his room and about to close the door, he got stopped by a hand on the frame. A very uncomfortable looking Kevin was the owner of said hand. He opened and closed his mouth a couple times, and took a big breath, but didn’t say anything. He then got into motion and just walked into the room. Well then. “What do you want Kevin?” Crossing his arm across his chest, Aaron “patiently” awaited an answer.

“Go on date. Me with. I mean, uuuhhh” Aaron’s brain shut down once more, and this time the reboot apparently took a little too long, because when he refocused in on Kevin once more the man was fidgeting. Which wasn’t something Aaron had ever seen him do. What the fuck was happening here? Was Kevin actually asking him out? And more importantly, why was he asking him out? As far as Kevin was concerned, him and Katelyn was still happily together. He tried to come up with an answer, but Kevin’s flickering eyes threw him off. They kept going from his face to the skirt and then landing on the v neckline. It was almost a pattern. His eyes went from the skirt to his face again when he suddenly spoke up again.

“You need to change. I just. I can’t think, and I really want to talk to you, because I overheard Nicky one time, but I don’t really know if it was just Nicky being Nicky or if it’s actually true. I did ask him but he shut down and wouldn’t even look at me for three days after, so I don’t know for sure. So can you make me think? I mean change. Pl- if you could be as kind.”

Aaron thought he nodded before he turned and walked in to the dorms bedroom, but he honestly wasn’t sure. So many thoughts swirled around in his head, made it hard to concentrate on getting changed. Had Nicky really been so careless he accidentally outed him? It was with Nicky he had had his sexuality revelation and cry with, that cursed night after a Trip to Eden.

It had been a few weeks after Katelyn and him had called it off relationship wise, and Aaron had been having these weird feelings and his mind kept supplying him with these random observation. Objectively speaking, your Chemistry 102 TA is attractive. His sharp cheekbones and plumb lips are attractive features to have. The boy sitting across from you smells nice, wonder what cologne he uses? The man behind the counter at the coffee shop had really nice eyes. They were a warm brown you could get a little lost in.

He had just crossed the doorway into the house when the thought hit him. What if the reason that sex with Katelyn wasn’t satisfying for him, wasn’t because of the fact that Katelyn was asexual and weren’t as in to it as he was, but because she was a girl? What if the reason he seemingly couldn’t have as good an orgasm with a partner then alone, was because he had the wrong gendered partner. He had had earlier girlfriends in high school, both before and after Andrew had arrived, but he always seemed to excuse the bad sex as inexperience. But what if it wasn’t?

That had floored Aaron completely, and he had taken a stuttered breath and stumbled to the couch so he could sit down. Nobody seemed to pay him any mind, hopefully just chalking it up to drunken behavior, not the life revelation it had been. Neil and Andrew hadn’t been drinking that night, and they wasted no time bringing their things up to Andrew’s bedroom to go to bed.  Kevin had stayed at Palmetto to spend the weekend with his father, but Nicky had bargained with Andrew for them to go to Columbia anyway, and gotten his way somehow. (Aaron hadn’t asked, didn’t really want to know.) When they arrived at Eden he had all but begged Aaron to drink with him. So Aaron had matched him drink for drink, and actually had a good time. He even danced a bit with a random person with a pixie cut and let a little loose.

He hadn’t realized the tears gathering, nor the way his breathing had picked up until Nicky appeared out of nowhere sitting down next to him. He had swirled his head to look Nicky in the eyes, and the easy going smile he had on his face died when he saw Aaron’s face. He must have looked terrified because Nicky sounded completely sober when he spoke,

“Aaron are you okay? What’s wrong? Did something happen at Eden? Should I go get Andrew?” The more he spoke, the faster the words spilled out and the more panicked he sounded. Aaron tried to draw in a breath to answer him, but it got stuck in his throat so he just shook his head desperately. He really didn’t want to include Andrew too, and rather die than include Neil. Nicky had nodded his head, but still looked at him worriedly. When he finally mastered the art of breathing again he blurted out what he should have said ages ago, even before his little revelation.

“I’m sorry Nicky, I’m so sorry” He crumbled while he said it, and his head had landed in Nicky’s lap. The tears had started to fall about halfway through his apology and he didn’t predict them to stop anytime soon. But neither did the muttered apologies, I’m so sorry spoken softly into Nicky’s thigh. Nicky was bordering on hysteric at that point, franticly petting his hair and seemingly answering Aaron’s apologies

“It’s okay, I forgive you! I don’t really know what you’re apologizing for, but it can’t be that bad! Sure, you’re kinda an asshole, but you’re apologizing so you’re not that big of one. Why do you keep apologizing? It’s okay, I’m right here. Whatever you did I’m always gonna be in your corner, so please stop crying I don’t know what to do! How can I help? If you don’t calm down I’ll have to go get Andrew because I really don’t know how to help you if you don’t speak to me, and I’m starting to get really worried now. Please talk to me.”

It was only when Nicky had started to shift around, as if trying to get up, that Aaron finally snapped out of it. He wrapped his arms tightly around Nicky’s legs and shook his head, turning around to look up at him with pleading eyes. Nicky had looked back at him, tears in his eyes as well and shifted once more. “I’m giving you two minutes to start explaining or I’m getting him. This will not go unspoken of, do you hear me Aaron? I’m pretty sure you’re having a mental break down or something, and you can’t keep that all inside. That is super unhealthy and can cau-“

“I think I might be gay” Nicky had gotten very quiet and still, just looking at Aaron and blinking rapidly. Aaron took a steadying breath and wiped his face free of tears, head still in Nicky’s lap. Figuring fuck it, I already said the hardest part he continued speaking, voice croaking making it deeper than normal.

“I don’t actually know, I just. I keep having these thoughts ever since Katelyn and I broke up, which we did like, a month ago, and I think my brain is just now connected the dots because apparently I’m fucking stupid, and can’t figure out that sex wasn’t as satisfying as regular masturbation, was not because the people I’m with are bad at it, but because they don’t have what I need. Or is it the bad thing and I’m only overanalyzing? The only thing I’m really sure of right now is the fact I’m a huge asshole for giving you and Andrew such a hard time for being gay, when I might be it too. That and apparently I find my chemistry TA hot, and like the way men smell and what is wrong with me?” Aaron sniffed and a few more tears fell from his eyes. They were starting to feel a bit sore now. Aaron had jumped when Nicky suddenly took a huge breath and whispered something that sounded like okay, you can do this. Making eye contact with his older cousin he got a small smile. He reached down wipe the last of the tears away, and began petting his hair again. Much more soothingly this time around.

“So this is a lot to unpack, so what do you say we take it in small bites hmm?” When all Aaron did was nod, he continued on, “So you and Katelyn broke up? Are you okay in regards to that?”

Aaron looked down at his hands, playing with his fingers but answered him, “Yeah, about a month ago. Maybe a little longer. It was an actual mutual decision, something we both felt needed to be done. We had a big fat discussion about our feelings and called it quits. We just aren’t ready to tell just yet. Might not for a while to be honest. She has some things to work through, and she’s my best friend so of course I’ll put it off for as long as she needs.” Shrugging his shoulders he looked up again.

“Okay then, I’m happy to hear you’re doing okay there. These… thoughts you mentioned, what exactly do you mean?” Wincing a little, Aaron had tried to clarify his brains jumbled observations. They sat on the couch talking about each and everything Aaron had been feeling and thinking about those past two months. Aaron found that Nicky could be surprisingly quiet and understanding, and that it was really cathartic to talk about it all. So apparently Aaron could see the attractiveness about guys, but he didn’t know if he wanted to date them. Kissing had crossed his mind once or twice, but quickly shut down because he wasn’t ready to think about it.

The last thing Aaron had asked of Nicky before they went to bed that night, a few hours later, was that he kept quiet. He wasn't ready to explore his sexuality, let alone come out. Nicky had given him an understanding smile and sighed out of course.

A knock on the door startled Aaron out of his memory and into the present again. Shrugging his hoodie over his head he decided to just get it over and done with. Fucking Kevin sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. When he was fully dressed once more, he walked over to the door and ripped it open.

"What do you want Kevin?" He said maybe a little too forcefully. Kevin had moved away from the door, and was sitting at the couch Matt had supplied the living room with. He gestured to the other end where he was sitting. Sighing to make his displeasure known, he got to the couch and plopped down. Looking over at the other boy he repeated his question, a bit more mellow this time. Kevin was sitting with his legs curled up under him, his right hand playing with the fabric of his pants.

"A date, ideally. With you, specifically." His face was set in a small smile, eyes sparkling hopefully. Aaron's heart sank a little, so Nicky had outed him. Accidental or not, that still shot a pang of panic and hurt through him. Before he could muster up the energy to answer him, Kevin continued,

"I don't actually know if you'd be interested, or even actually into boys. About three weeks ago, I overheard Nicky speaking to who I assume was Erik, considering he was speaking some german. He kept switching between english and german though, and going on a tangent about queerness being genetic, the twins, and breaking up with girlfriends. Never mentioning any names. So I don't- I'm not actually sure it was you he was talking about. I tried to ask him but he just shouted no, hung up the phone and all but ran away from me. He haven’t really spoken to me yet. I think he feels bad, because I overheard him.”

A feeling of relief spread through Aaron. Even though Nicky had spoken about their conversation from months ago, he had worded it so only people who knew Nicky intimately would have a clue. Or simply think he was talking about Andrew. Still feeling some of his earlier panic, Aaron opened his mouth to profusely deny deny deny, not at all ready to talk about his sexuality again, he remembered a tiny detail from Kevin’s explanation. If he had overheard Nicky three weeks ago, why in the world hadn’t he said anything? Either to him or the others? Closing his mouth again, Aaron tried to calculate what would happen if he “came out” to Kevin. He wasn’t even sure what the ever-loving fuck he was, other than not straight, but if Kevin had held tight for those three weeks maybe he would for however long it took for Aaron to figure it out. One small parentheses made the equation hard though. Kevin’s apparent desire to date Aaron. Aaron might not be the best at math, but a huge glaring pair of parentheses in an equation needed to be addressed first, in order to solve said equation. Right? Aaron’s pre-med not a simple math major, how was he supposed to know?

“Why?” It had slipped out of Aaron’s lips without permission, but he really needed to know before they got any further in this equation. Why now? Why him? Kevin furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head slightly, apparently not getting Aaron’s question. Aaron elaborated his inner thoughts, and the questions made Kevin pause. A slight flush rose across his cheeks, but it didn’t take long for him to gather his thoughts, only a shake of his head.

“So, I’ve been talking to Bee right? In the process of becoming sober” Aaron nodded, not really in the mood to actually talk right now. Luckily, Kevin continued on.

“Okay, so. She hasn’t just been helping me getting sober, also just. Better? In general. We have been talking trough my growing up, and Riko and Andrew. Just. Everything I guess. It made me realize some things, and she has been encouraging me to do something about it. I haven’t wanted to, until three weeks ago, where I heard I might have an actual chance.” He shrugged his shoulders, now looking down at his lap, really focusing on the piece of fabric between his fingers. Aaron’s mouth went a little dry at that implication, not that he really knew why.

He thought all bravery had left his body, after having to endure his forfeit, but apparently not because he felt himself reaching his right hand across and over Kevin’s left. It made him start and look up at Aaron. Sitting there with his hand over Kevins made him feel the same sense of fuck it, as he had with Nicky all those weeks ago. So throwing caution into the wind, he unstuck his tongue from the roof of his mouth, and asked what he thought was the most pressing matter.

“What did you realize?” Kevin’s face went from flush to straight up red, but he kept his eyes locked with Aaron.

“Apparently it is possible to admire people of the same sex aesthetically, and not just because of their exy skills. And that I find your personality and general body incredibly attractive.”

Kevin’s voice had gone down an octave, and the sound of it sent a shot of something, through his stomach. The very same something he has been feeling pertaining his chemistry TA lately. Great, now he also found fucking Kevin hot. Not that that might be a problem with Kevin considering the resent confession. Though now that he really thought about it, Kevin really is an attractive person. He has sharp cheek bones, but his green eyes softens his face up, so he doesn’t look so severe. His nose is slightly upturned, but with a tiny bump on the bridge, which is something Aaron hadn’t noticed before. Wonder where he got it from? Exy most likely. His thighs has the same kind of muscle definition that Katelyn has, which is something Aaron has always found arousing.

He should probably say something though, instead of just mindlessly looking at Kevin. The poor dude looked about one breath away from a minor break down. He shook his head to clear it from his Kevin related epiphany.

“Fuck it okay, all cards on the table?” He gestured with his left hand, just now noticing his right still laying over Kevins. When he got a hesitant nod from him, he continued on now determined.

“I don’t actually know what I am, other than maybe not straight. Katelyn and I are broken up yes, but we haven’t actually told anyone. Not ready yet” A slight flush rose across his own cheeks when he thought about his next admission, “And I kinda find you aesthetically pleasing as well.”

A small smile spread across Kevin’s face and he opened his mouth, but Aaron cut him of before any words could come through. “But! But, I really don’t know what that means. And I don’t think it’s fair for you, if I didn’t make that abundantly clear first. Your face is attractive, I think, and I know you enough to feel safe maybe starting a thing with you. Just, some minor things before you ask me again?”

Kevin nodded his head quickly and opened his mouth again, but once again Aaron cut him off before he could speak. “Okay so one;” He held a finger up on the hand not holding Kevin’s. 

“I’m nowhere near ready to tell people about anything related to my sexuality, so if we do this. It’d have to be in complete secret,” Another finger joined the first one and he went on. “Two, we’d have to take it slow. I don’t know what I’m comfortable with, or how far I’m willing to go, so you’d need to be patient with me. Possibly really patient with me.”

He raised a third finger to go with his last bit.

“And lastly but most important, you need to tell me if things isn’t working for you anymore. I know I come with a lot of rules and regulations, but I need to figure out if this is really for me. You feel safe enough for me to try with specifically, but if that ever ends up not being enough for you, you tell me. Immediately. That is very important to me. If there is one thing my relationship with both Katelyn and Andrew have taught me anything it is honesty is super important. Well, and consent but you know Andrew too so of course you know that. Okay, you can talk now.” He unfurled his hand, and waved it at Kevin’s to demonstrate his point. Kevin looked a little shell shocked after being loaded with all that information, and he took a moment but finally he spoke, his small smile lighting up his eyes.

“Yeah, I can work with that.”

It was spoken softly, and it took Aaron an extra two seconds to realize what Kevin meant. He still wanted to “date” Aaron, even with all these rules. And he had not seen that coming, expecting Kevin to give up and find someone new to pester about dating. He hadn’t really taking his stubbornness into consideration, which really was an oversight on Aaron’s part, and predicted this would happened.

“Ask me again.” He challenged him, a small part of him still excepting him to not go through with it. And by now, Aaron kinda really wanted to go on this gay adventure with Kevin.

Kevin’s smile grew in size, and made a dimple appear in his right cheek, another thing Aaron hadn’t noticed Kevin do(had, could?), and he shifted closer to Aaron. He shifted his left hand so they were holding hands, rather than Aaron holding Kevins, and took hold of his right hand as well, placing both in his lap. Aaron could feel his cheeks warming up, but didn’t hinder his movements.

“Would you like to go on a date with me? And maybe hold a little hands with me? That’s all I ask for now, and we can figure adjustments out as we see fit in the future. And secrecy is okay with me at the moment, and I promise to tell you if I change my mind.”

Aaron’s whole upper body felt warm now, most likely a blush, but he also felt surprisingly excited. This had suddenly turned into a thing Aaron really wanted to explore. Mirroring Kevin’s smile he answered, feeling confident in his mental math. This equation wasn’t so hard to solve as the first one.

“Yeah okay, I think I’d really like that”

Part 1 of “Aaron Tries His Best”

1 - 2(coming soon)

[sea-side-scribbles]

Fanfiction: Sympathy For A Downer

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22737214/chapters/76358372

Chapter 58

Nick could tell from the start that this party was going to be a success. Everybody visited to congratulate him and to assure him that the Golden God of Rock was back in all his glory. Nick was especially surprised by one guest that was barely seen in public nowadays. People had already started to wonder if he had become antisocial. If his face wasn’t to be seen all over Wellington Wells they could’ve wondered if he even existed.

Well, there he was, smiling warmly, seemingly unaffected by the little stir he had caused.

“Uncle Jack“, Nick said shaking his hand. “I’m so glad you could come.“

“Nick, it’s wonderful to see you again. I must admit I was a tiny bit worried about you.“

“Worried?“, Nick repeated and forced a laugh. “Oh no, there’s nothing to worry about. I just had too good of a time.“ He led Uncle Jack inside.

“I’m glad to hear that. Without you, the town would lose it’s icon.“

Nick laughed again. “But Uncle Jack, you’re the town’s icon.“

“Not to me“, Jack replied in a tone that made Nick look directly at him.

“That’s why I invited you“, he said half joking and half flattered. “You’re always cheering me up.“

“You were doing the same for me, since the first time I saw you.“

Nick lowered his voice. “You remember that?“

“Fondly“, Jack affirmed. “You were young and ambitious, you and The Make Believes, when you appeared in my show for the first time. You were representing a better world, a happier world.  I thought from the start that you were exactly what we needed. I must admit that you were also what I needed. I remember playing your first record every day. Without you, I wouldn’t be the same person I am now.“

“It’s mutual, I think…“ Nick said. “We…I wouldn’t be the same without your help.“

“Isn’t it fascinating, how we all depend on each other?“

“Uh…yeah…Isn’t it also wonderful?“

“Indeed. But fragile. One little change can turn everything upside down.“

Jack gave him a meaningful glance. Nick didn’t know what to say about that.

“Ah, well, I don’t mean to waste your time. We both busy men, you and I. Will you give a performance later?“

“Uh…sure.“

“Splendid! I’m looking forward to that. See you around.“

When Uncle Jack left, Nick noticed that his heart was pounding heavily and he was clinging to a side table as if he was about to fall over. 

“Are you okay?“ Morrie approached him, having squeezed himself through a group of admirers.

“Yeah…just…having a break…“, Nick assured him.

Morrie gestured towards the famous host. “He’s a real surprise, right? I thought he doesn’t show up in public anymore.“

“Yeah, me too. But he’s very happy to see me…us again.“

Morrie’s expression changed. He looked at Jack and then back at Nick.

“Only in my dreams, Morrie“, Nick said poking his lover’s shoulder. “He’s a fan, that’s all.“

Morrie relaxed again and Nick let go of the table.

“Are you okay?“, he returned the question to his lover.

“I’m getting there“, Morrie answered. “I’m looking forward to get on stage again. These celebrities come too close and keep asking the same questions.“

“So, nothing changed.“ Nick gave him a smile.

It didn’t take long until a new crowd was gathering around the two stars and Nick gave them all his attention until he managed to get away. But then Morrie was also gone.

Nick knew he couldn’t stick to him all night but he wanted to make sure he was in a good mood most of the time.

Suddenly, a flashlight caught his eye. Nick quickly posed for the camera and then found out who the photographer was.

Of course he was there!

If not for Nick, then for doing his job.

Nick looked at him in silence for too long to be natural, before he walked over to him and casually shook his hand.

“Hi Arthur. You’re having fun?“, he said very unnaturally.

Also Arthur looked uncomfortable.

“Can I talk to you in private?“, he only asked.

“Sure. Uh…follow me.“

Nick led him out of the crowded room, inwardly praying that Morrie didn’t see him. There was no way to hide that he was walking upstairs with another man.

He also hesitated about where to go. He didn’t want to be caught in his bedroom with Arthur, but he also didn’t want to go into the guest room where Morrie slept, so he hurried into the storage room instead. Arthur was probably confused. 

“No one will expect us here“, Nick shortly explained before he went back to the point. “So…what did you want to tell me?“ He noticed it came out colder than it was supposed to. 

Arthur was taken aback by all this. There was something off in Nick’s behaviour that made him afraid he had misjudged their relationship. 

“Is there anything you want to tell me?“, he gave the question back.

“Hey, don’t make this confusing. I asked you first“. Nick made an effort to sound playful.

“Do you remember anything I told you? Or did you take Joy and forgot?“

The playful manner vanished. “I remember everything you said.“

“So why the fuck do you have nothing to say?“, Arthur suddenly blurted out. “Is that why you didn’t come back? Because you don’t care?“

“Now, wait, I just wanted to give you a chance to explain yourself!“, Nick said with held up hands.

“Explain myself? All I asked you for was a place in your life!“

“Oh, no, that’s not what you said! I might look like a stupid Wellie but I remember it all! You said you’re gonna leave the town!“

“Come on, Nick! You never complained about my unusual thoughts before! I thought you wouldn’t make a fuss about it!“

“Is this a joke? What were you thinking? Why did you bother me if you wanted to leave anyway? Do you have any idea how risky it was to meet you? To let you into my house? This could’ve ended my career for good!“

“I had the feeling you enjoyed our meetings!“, Arthur snapped back. “And sorry for risking your career while I only risked my bloody life for you!“

“Oh, I’m sorry too! It must be hard to get the thrills as a Downer! Of course you needed a rock star to cheer you up before you go! I was so blind!“ Nick rolled his eyes.

“Nick, you completely miss the point!“, Arthur was almost begging now. “Are you trying to avoid an answer or do you really not get it?“

“I got it all, don’t you worry! It’s either I abandon my whole life for you or you’ll say ’Bye, Nicky! It was nice with you but now I’ll get myself a new playmate!’

“What?“ Arthur was shocked. “Do you think that’s what you are?“

“Well, what else should I think?“

They eyed each other. 

“Okay…just forget what I said about leaving the town“, Arthur tried to save the conversation. “Just forget it! I was only thinking out loud, okay?“

Nick furrowed his brows. “I don’t understand.“

“Can you answer me one simple question, Nick?“ His eyes were pleading.

Nick could barely look at him. He felt like now was the last chance to run away from all this. But it would be so unfair. Arthur had the right to be heard. So Nick nodded. 

“Will you let me into your life? Will you share your bed with me so I can wake up every morning with you by my side? Will you allow me to stay near you so I can spend all the little moments of everyday life with you as if we were a normal couple? As if nothing about me was weird? Will you do that for me, Nick?“

Once again this evening, Nick’s heart was racing. 

He realized that Arthur’s feelings were true, no matter how twisted his mind eventually was. 

This was all wrong. Or was it?

Nick grabbed his hair, nervous and ashamed. “Oh, Arthur…I…that would be wonderful…but what does it matter if it’s gonna be over anyway?“

“Don’t think about that for now“, Arthur urged him. They’d find a way, right? Perhaps Nick would accidentally forget to take his pills or something…for an hour or so…and see the truth. He was definitely not putting Percy behind his own well-being, right?

“We don’t have to run away immediately. We could prepare. Or stay…it doesn’t matter. Just think about us.“

Nick pressed his eyes shut. “Arthur…“ He gulped. “I don’t have much hope…for us…“ It tasted awful to say. “You are so determined about leaving…I see it’s very important to you to get out of here…you never tried to…fit back in…even though you have many options…“ 

He stared at somewhere in a corner while he felt Arthur’s gaze on him. “But I…this is my home…I love this town. It’s not perfect, but…I’m neither. Letting me out is probably not a good idea“, he tried to joke, but Arthur’s look made him stop.

“You…you mean…“ Arthur sounded like he was at the edge of tears. “You are…?“ He couldn’t finish this sentence.

“Arthur, believe me, I’d love to live with you! But if you plan to leave, then…I…I’m afraid I’m not the right one for you.“

The last words came out very quiet. Still, to Arthur they felt as subtle as hitting him in the stomach with a hammer.

“You’re breaking up with me? Just like that?“, he shouted.

“I…I think it’s better for both of us…“ Nick lamely said. 

“But Nick, you can’t do that to me! I’m sorry if I upset you! Why don’t we…forget it all and start over again? We might be an odd couple, but I think it’s worth it!“

Nick had to fight back his own tears. He should’ve felt better, finally coming to terms with what he wanted. But it felt like watching an execution.

“I’m sorry, Arthur…I think we should part ways…I’m thankful for what you did for me…“

“No, you’re not!“, Arthur snapped. “You used me just like everyone else! You didn’t even plan to tell me about it, right? You didn’t show up, I had to look for you again! Did you hope I forget?“

“I…I thought you’ll leave…“

“How wonderful! All this time I was worried about you, you’ve already abandoned me! And you don’t care! That’s low even for your standards!“

“Arthur, I’m sorry…“

“No, you’re not! But thanks for telling me that I don’t have to waste more time on you! And now I know that everything they say about you is true! And you’re right, you should stay here! This hellhole is exactly where you belong! But don’t complain later if you starve…or get poisoned…or start to talk backwards…!“

Ranting, he ran out of the room. 

Nick darted after him. “Arthur!“, he yelled. “Arthur, wait!“

Then he dashed into Morrie and froze.

“Just go on“, Morrie said sarcastically. “Don’t let me stop you two with whatever you’re doing.“

Nick stared at Arthur who was disappearing in a crowd of happily chattering guests, leaving forever this time, and Nick could only watch. His look must’ve said everything.

“Morrie, believe me, this is not about us!“

“Oh, no, it’s about you and him. I got that.“

“I really need to go after him!“, Nick begged, eyeing the group the Downer had merged into.

“Would you mind if I come with you?,“ Morrie asked cooly.

Nick gave him a look.

“Alright, I get it. I wonder what a petty explanation you’ll have for this. But don’t expect me to believe you this time.“

“Morrie!“

“No, don’t ’Morrie’ me!“, his lover snapped. “I’m done with your excuses! I’m done with explaining myself! I told you everything and it just doesn’t work! I gave you so many chances!“

Nick backed away. “Listen to yourself! You sound like you caught me in bed with him, but none of that happened!“

“Not today!“, Morrie countered. “That’s what you learned in all those years! You’re not so stupid to betray me on front of my eyes! But I’m not stupid either, Norbert!“

“Ssshhh!“ Nick gestured wildly. 

“What? Still afraid of your own name? As if your whole image would fall apart if it came out? It should’ve been a warning for me! Everything about you is fake! You’re built on lies, with a fake name, fake hair, fake beard and songs that aren’t yours…You’re so proud of your lies, right, Norbert?“

“What does that have to do with anything? Why did you come back to me if you hate everything about me?“

“Because I thought there was a better person under all these layers! The one I remember! But did he ever exist, or was that another lie you’re proud of?“

“I don’t know what you mean…I’m just myself…“

“I was afraid you’d say that! Then why did you promise me to change yourself if that’s not your plan at all?“

“I…I’m trying to do what you want…If that’s so important to you…but Morrie, I’m not a teenager anymore! You changed too!“

“Not as much as you! You sold yourself to become a star! I still have my pride!“

“Right, you never liked it… You never understood…That’s why you had no success as a solo star! You hate the press, you hate your fans, you hate other musicians and then you wonder why nobody likes you! You blame it all on me but you never admit your own mistakes!“

Morrie’s face turned a bit more pale, his expression could’ve been described as upset or shocked.

“I also thought you’d change“, Nick went on. “But the longer I live with you the more you act like the hater you’ve been before, just waiting for me to make another mistake you can hate me for. Maybe we’ve both been living a lie.“

“All I ask you for is one simple thing! Don’t lie to me!“

“And I asked you to trust me!“

“I’m sorry, but I know when you’re lying! Do you expect me to ignore that?“

“You could trust me to sort it out…“

“Oh, great!“, Morrie’s words were tripping with sarcasm. “How long will that take? Do you think I’ll be waiting forever until you make up your mind?“

“I’m sorry, but…I can’t…“ Nick stuttered and then ran upstairs to the third floor.

“Where are you going?“ Morrie followed him immediately. 

Nick didn’t answer. He ran all the way to his dressing room and locked the door behind him. He heard Morrie shout after him while he opened the entrance to his secret hideout. 

Inside, it was all quiet. He didn’t even hear the party down there.

Falling on a padded seat, he let all the tears flow. 

Well, it looked like he was alone again. 

At least he felt alone. 

As if all he could do was to make people run away from him.

He knew he had to go to Arthur if he wanted to see him again before it was too late. But then again, what was he supposed to say? 

It was like their love never had a chance and there was nothing he could do about it. But there were so many words he shouldn’t have said…so much that Arthur didn’t deserve. They shouldn’t part like this after all this time. 

Still, he didn’t dare to go and at the same time he hated himself for it. 

Could Arthur even leave like that? What would they do to him if they caught him? Skippers were to be punished, that he knew.

But if Arthur wanted to go so badly, what could he do about it? 

Well, he could at least say sorry, tell him that he cared and that he wished him all the luck in the world, that he’ll find a place to life in peace.

Yeah, that he could do.

That was what he owed him.

But Morrie was already on edge. If he went away tonight, would their love survive this? 

Perhaps he had to trust Morrie to do the right thing. 

Nick sighed deeply. His body was shaking and he had run out of tears. He’d either go and try to fix what he broke or stay here and perish, because he couldn’t stand himself anymore.

“You might lose both of them.“ James’ warning echoed in his head when he finally left his hideout. It was already dark and the music had stopped. There were only a few drunken guests lying on the floor, that barely noticed him. Nick thought he was alone when he walked into the cold and starless night.

[wildlittlefoxsworld]

Matchmakers (Part 1) | The Old Guard | Booker x Fem!Reader

Summary: Reader has a friend with benefits in London, but secretly likes Booker. Reader's friend has no time for her, but she's stressed and frustrated. Nicky and Joe know that Booker likes her too, and decided to help the Reader.

Warnings: sexual frustrated!reader, friends with benefits, misunderstandings, anxious feelings

Words: 1.9 k +

Second part

Masterlist

***

You sat on the dining table with your face in your hands in the little cottage near Rome that was owned by Joe and Nicky. You all came here after you had a mission that went well, but you were all really exhausted afterwards. Originally you wanted to stay here for a week and then leave to visit an old friend of you in London, it was still possible for you to have contact to your friends, you weren’t so old, but you were sure it could be only for one or two more years before they would notice that you weren’t aging. But now you were here for thirteen days already, because your friend was on sudden business trip and you had no other place to go.

But that wasn’t the reason you sat on the dining table with fingers in your hair and pulling on the roots a little rougher while you groaned loudly.

“What’s the matter, principessa?” You heard Nicky’s voice and flinched when he sat down next to you on the table. You weren’t aware that he entered the room and you lifted your head lazily.

“You seem very frustrated about something. Do you want to talk about it?” Nicky considered and you frowned. Nicky had a good knowledge of human nature and you weren’t in the mood to talk about your problems, so you just shrugged and your head sink down on the surface of the table.

“Maybe I can help?” Nicky suggested and you shook your head.

“No one could help me,” you muttered.

Nicky laughed about your answer. “For every problem there is a solution. But when you need help, you should tell someone if you want to solve the problem.”

You groaned again. “And how do you want to help me?” you snapped and felt instantly bad to get shirty with him. “I’m sorry,” you mumbled.

“It’s okay. I could search Andy, maybe it’s easier for you to talk to her,” Nicky continued to make suggestions and you burst out laughing in disbelief.

“Andy would tell me to stick myself together. I don’t think it’s a good idea. Then I would rather talk to you.”

“Why don’t you do it then?” Nicky smiled encouraging and you sighed.

“I can’t… it’s embarrassing,” you whispered and you didn’t dare to look in his eyes. He would probably laugh about it.

“Well, I’m sure I heard worse,” Nicky replied seriously with a sly smile. “Come on, Y/N, or I have to guess. I have a clue. You don’t need to be afraid; I’m not going to tell anyone, not even Joe.”

“What you aren’t going to tell me? You have secrets from me, my love?” Joe said playfully pouting from behind you and you groaned a third time burying your face in your hands.

“Is she okay?” Joe asked Nicky worriedly and you heard him moving a chair. He sat down and took Nicky’s hand in his.

“I’m not sure, amore mio, she doesn’t want to tell,” Nicky explained with a still serious voice.

“I’m still here, no need to talk in third person about me,” you grumbled and leaned back with crossed arms over your chest.

Joe laughed and tried to hide it as he clasped a hand over his mouth. “Why are you so mad? Is it your time of the month? Or what is wrong?”

You scrunched your face up in annoyance and turned your head away. “Stop your churlishness,” Nicky scolded him and bopped him playfully. “That’s a delicate topic.”

“Y/N, just tell us and we search for a solution or I just say what I think your problem is.” Nicky was giving you a last chance and you shook your head.

“I can’t be that worse. We can help out in every aspect. We are family, Y/N, we are there for each other,” Joe assured you, but you ignored him and made a huffing noise. You weren't mad with them, you were mad about yourself.

Joe looked helplessly to Nicky and you interpreted Nicky’s gaze, you were in a trap. He wouldn’t let go and you will feel embarrassed for the rest of your immortal life.

“Don’t worry, Joe, you didn’t say anything wrong. I think she’s simply sexual frustrated. I assume your friend in London is the reason for this dilemma and I know he’s too busy to spend time with you,” Nicky deadpanned and your eyes widened in shock. He was good, a good observer and you were trapped. Well, you could always leave, but he wouldn’t stop worrying about you. Nicky didn’t want to be mean or to offend you, but it was still awkward.

“That’s all?” Joe asked confused. “Well, you could visit him when he has free time again or just pick someone in a bar near here. The language shouldn’t be the problem.”

“I don’t like one-night stands,” you answered Joe back and didn’t want to meet his gaze. “Now the cat is out of the bag, but do we really need to talk about it?”

“We don’t have to, but you’re stressed and that isn’t healthy. You need something to release your stress. Did you try something else than sex? Boxing with a sandbag? Running?” Nicky proposed gently and you sighed again.

“I went yesterday and today for a one and a half hour run, but I don’t feel better.” You shrugged again and twirled a strain of your hair between your thumb and forefinger.

Nicky and Joe exchanged looks and you knitted your brow. “What do you have in mind?”

It wasn’t the way you thought the day would go. You talked two hours ago with your friend from London and he would be back on Saturday and you planned to take a flight on the same day. But until then you needed to survive four more days and you didn’t have an idea how to do this.

“Well, principessa, if sports don’t help and you don’t want to be with a stranger, your friend isn’t available anyway; you should maybe spend time with someone you know already.”

You were taken aback for a second and then you shook your head in disbelief. “And who? My only friend with whom this kind of arrangement is possible lives in London. My other friends are female or married.”

Nicky smiled conspiratorial and you quirked an eyebrow. You held your breath and braised yourself for what Nicky was going to say. You hoped he wouldn’t suggest that you should spend some time with Joe and him, because it would be very weird. You wouldn’t agree with this.

“Don’t panic, Y/N. I know you have a little crush, we saw your lingering and admiring gaze,” Joe explained with a mocking tone. But you panicked and whimpered a little. That couldn’t be true. Did they really think you have a crush on them? You couldn’t tell. Yes, you knew them for a while now, but you couldn’t figure out. You gulped nervously and looked at them, expecting the worst.

“I can assure you that your feelings are returned from your crush,” Nicky said with a smile.

“I hope we’re talking about the same person. Yes, I can’t deny that I have a crush on someone, but…” Your voice broke at the end and you bit your lip agitated. Nicky watched you and he noticed that you didn’t feel well with the conversation. He admitted that their words were mysterious and that it made you only confused.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. I thought it was obvious… I mean Booker,” Nicky explained hastily and your head fell forwards in relief, placing your hand above your heart.

“Oh god, I thought for the past minutes you meant yourselves,” you responded and laughed assuaged.

“With all my respect for you, I see you as a sister. I love you dearly, Y/N, but my heart only belongs to Joe.”

You nodded in agreement. “That would’ve been so weird.”

“Yeah, we're family, but there we make a boundary,” Joe chuckled and the mood lightened up slightly.

You were so anxious the whole time that you didn't realize what Nicky had told you about the feelings of your crush. “Were you serious? When you told me about… about… Booker's feelings for me. Why are you sure that he does like me?”

Nicky inclined his head and smirked. “He told me.”

“What?… When?… I mean he really told you that…,” you stuttered and couldn't believe his words, yet you knew he wouldn't lie to you.

“Booker… he got very upset… two months ago. That was last time when you left to visit your friend in London. He spoke about how you always run into your lover's arms and someday he will break your heart, because he grow old and you will be always young.”

“He isn't my lover or my boyfriend, we are just friends that, well, you know,” you clarified and Nicky nodded.

“We told him that you aren't in a relationship with him and then Booker said that your friend doesn't derserve you. It was impossible to imagine for Booker how your friend couldn't love you. And he said that he can treat you better, that you deserved to be loved.”

You were shocked and overwhelmed with emotions, to hear those words about Booker's feelings for you. He didn't just like you, he was in love with you, at least you hoped for it. You never imagined that he would return your feelings and you never noticed any sings that he felt mutual.

“Booker really cares about you,” Joe mentioned with a honest gaze to you. “I watched him the last eight weeks. On every mission he was close to you, he protected and always checked first on you. Also at home, he took care of you, looked after of you and tried to spend more time with you. I'm sure you're his priority.”

You got tears in your eyes and they rolled down your cheeks, angrily you wiped them away. You felt stupid that you wasted so much time in London, you could have something so much better.

“I understand why he never said something. I assume he thought that I'm not intersted in him, because I travelled so often to London. I didn't even see that he wanted to spend more time with me. I just thought he wanted to be nice…”

Nicky and Joe simply nodded and Nicky gave you a tissue for the tears.

“What should I supposed to do now?” You mumbled crestfallen and took a deep breath.

“Of course you should tell him!” Nicky exclaimed

“If it's not too late. He could reject me,” you complated the possibility he couldn't want you.

“You will never know if you don't try it,” Joe said convincing. You kne he was right and you nodded nervously.

“Where is he?”

“In the living room working on his laptop,” Nicky answered smiling and nodded towards the hallway that leaded in the living room.

Now or never, you told yourself.

***

What do you think?

[eponinemylove]

aftg tattoo/flower shop au

@essence-29

so it’s wymack’s parlor and he still technically runs it and everything but he’s tired most of the time and he lets kevin pretty much take over

kevin has almost no tattoos himself except one he got that he deeply regrets (in my mind it’s bc riko was his piece of shit ex boyf and pretty much made him get it, but however u want to imagine the backstory of this tattoo is up to you)

anyway he runs the shop with his dad. matt, renee, and seth all work there

andrew runs the flower shop around the corner (managed by betsy). he could not give less of a damn about the parlor tbh. he barely noticed it existed

he’s more of a piercings guy anyway but it’s not like he’s against tattoos

at least, he didn’t care about the parlor until him and renee became friends

i imagine they met at the flower shop when she came in and ordered some for allison. maybe they started seeing each other around more and more, and you know how andrew makes friends. he probably followed her to work one day and they went from there.

either way they’re besties and they work on the same block. so andrew goes in and out of the tattoo parlor fairly often to pick up renee or have lunch.

him and kevin obviously run into each other at some point, probably more often than not

at first they ignored each other’s presence but then andrew started to notice kevin

tattoo artist without (many) tattoos? interesting. he won’t talk about the tattoo he does have? very interesting. he flinched when someone dropped a glass of something and it shattered? now you have his attention

and of course kevin can’t help but notice the hot, 5-foot-nothing guy who comes in at least once a week to harass his patrons and distract his employees

both of which are definitely crimes andrew commits regularly around the parlor

andrew invites kevin out for drinks one night after they’ve been noticing each other for a while. it’s not flirtatious or romantic, but it does feel... weighted. kevin goes. renee and the others are there too, vaguely, but he still manages to end up spending most of the night alone with andrew

they talk. a lot. it’s really slow going because neither one of them particularly feels like talking, but they do. or they come to a mutual understanding at least

they have a weird relationship after that that none of kevin’s friends or andrews relatives can even pretend to understand, but you know what? whatever. they’re KevinAndAndrew

i don’t want to say they’re attached at the hip, but they totally are. anywhere kevin is, andrew follows, especially if kevin is drinking. and they’re not even nice to each other. that’s the confusing part for the others. just looking at them, you wouldn’t even think they were friends, much less maybe-kind of-dating?

so this goes on for a couple of months, and just when everyone thinks they’re getting used to it, neil comes in

literally no one was ready for him. he shows up at the tattoo parlor one day and just applies for a job. no resume, no interview. straight up walks up to the front desk and asks for a job

kevin wants to throw him on his ass but matt says the least they could do was interview the guy

(neil probably looks all kinds of a mess. not like insane or dirty, but just generally disheveled and exhausted and... neil. he looks like neil)

kevin still thinks this is a waste of time, but he lets neil show him what he’s got

no one was expecting neil, but they definitely weren’t expecting him to be so goddamn good

it’s hard to tell if he’s a natural or has actually had years of hardwork and practice, but he’s an amazing artist and he knows his way around a needle

so they hire him.

matt becomes quick friends with neil. seth and neil don’t get along, per se, but they’re almost the exact same brand of asshole so there is a sort of solidarity between them

renee obviously is nothing if not entirely pleasant to neil, but he still has issues trusting her

and kevin? well kevin kind of hates his newest hire

he complains to andrew about him nonstop. about how he’s stupidly talented and a complete bastard and gets along with people but in a chaotic sort of way that makes kevin anxious and annoyed and

kevin has a lot to say and andrew is more than inclined to listen

it’s a surprise to no one when andrew is in the parlor the next day, scoping out neil for himself

oh, and i should mention that neil has literally NO tattoos. not even one. (his mother would never allow something so easily recognizable)

neil barely notices andrew until he confronts him after his shift. i don’t know what he would say, but it would go pretty much like how their meeting went in the books, just probably without the racquet

a fight immediately breaks out that matt and kevin have to break up. renee knows better

yeah neil and andrew don’t get along

andrew is very interested though. so he does what andrew always does. he gets nosy. and personal. and mean

it takes him a surprisingly long time to find any information on neil. he thinks it might be a fake name and kevin assures him that it’s definitely likely, which helps exactly none.

eventually the only thing he manages to gather is that neil has one hell of a temper and could start a fight in an empty room. he also won’t take any shit from anyone, whether it’s from andrew or some random Karen screaming at one of his coworkers for giving her daughter a tattoo she didn’t approve of. he can and will tear someone to shreds, and as much as kevin hates it (“Neil that’s bad for business, you can’t verbally abuse the clients”), andrew is very amused

kevin secretly also really likes neil. it’s hard not to—he says everything kevin wouldn’t dream of and sees through all of kevin’s bullshit. also he’s ridiculously hot and incredibly good at his job, and there’s nothing kevin appreciates more than talent and competence

after, idk, a month? of getting nowhere to unraveling neil’s past, andrew invites him for drinks.

kevin is there of course and pre-approved the decision. matt comes along bc he doesn’t trust andrew in the slightest and he loves neil. renee is there to make sure no one actually gets murdered. seth just shows up bc he thinks something funny might happen, like another fight

not strictly relevant, but allison, dan, and nicky working at the bar/club they frequent??? a Concept.

andrew and kevin are both pretty surprised to find out that neil doesn’t drink. they try and “convince” him otherwise, but neil refuses and short of drugging him, there’s not really anything they can do

nothing really happens the first couple of hours. nicky flirts with neil a couple of times, neil doesn’t notice, the usual. things take a turn when neil spots kevin’s tattoo. other than that, the night was a bust

since this is an au, idgaf what’s in their past. reader interpretation, use ur imagination, go crazy. however, whatever kevin was involved with, neil was somehow tangled up in too. that part stays the same

he doesn’t mention it

he doesn’t mention it

he doesn’t mention it

and then, of course, he mentions it

it’s not on purpose or in anyway eloquent. they probably get into some sort of fight while closing up and it just slips out

there’s a moment of “oh shit”, the complete understanding that passes through the two of them

they don’t mention it

except they do, because andrew finds out

he and neil have a another “talk” bc yeah andrew might run the flower shop, but if neil brings trouble from kevin’s past back to him now, when he’s doing so much better, andrew can and will actually commit homicide

and that’s the start of their relationship!

well, no, not really. neil still takes a while to warm up to them, and a while longer to start feeling any sort of romantic attraction to them. and of course that’s after he realizes they’re even a couple, because trust me, with those two is always questionable whether or not they’re even friends. or acquaintances. or on speaking terms

also they have to eventually talk about everything. set boundaries, clear the air. neil gives them piece by piece looks into his past. it’s slow work, but it’s a little bit of trust given by someone who has never trusted anyone before.

yeah so anyways everyone thought KevinAndAndrew was confusing? well they don’t know what the fuck is going on with KevinAndAndrewAndNeil

what they do know is that kevin and neil do some of the best tattoos in the country. what they do know is that andrew and neil take smoke breaks together in the back alley, halfway between their two shops. what they do know is that andrew and kevin have adopted neil into their relationship and the three of them are so close-knit, it almost becomes impossible to find one away from the others at any given moment

what they do know is that at least twice a week, the short, blond, very scary flower-shop guy walks into a tattoo parlor and a 6-foot tall intimidating tattoo artist and 5’3 ginger with a sharp tongue and sharper attitude immediately stop what they’re doing and go meet him

that’s pretty much it. scary blonde who sells roses for a living falls for scary tattoo artist who doesn’t seem to believe in tattoos. both these idiots then fall for the (not at first glance) scary new guy who is obviously trouble, because this is a tatto/flower shop au, and everyone loves the broken badass with a heart of gold.

there’s something to be said here about the most intimidating and kick-ass power couple (throuple?) ever

also it’s funny bc based on appearances alone, everyone expects neil to run the flower shop, and kevin and andrew to do tattoos. boy are they in for a surprise though, because andrew knows every single flower you could ever think of sticking in a bouquet, and neil could operate a tattoo gun blindfolded

ALSO they all get matching tattoos at some point bc they’re idiots and in love and it probably has a whole crap ton of heartfelt meaning that i don’t want to explain bc i feel like i’ve rambled forever at this point and still said nothing significant

oh and neil 100% gives kevin a coverup, replacing his old tattoo with something else.

there’s all kinds of plants decorating the parlor courtesy of andrews shop, and neil and kevin design andrew’s logo

and betsy makes everyone flower crowns at some point. andrew refuses to acknowledge it i’m any way, but dutifully wears it regardless. neil wears it to work the entire day, and after hangs it in his office-thing. whatever tattoo parlors have. kevin straight up refuses to wear it but neil wears him down and he puts it on for like 20 minutes. there’s even pictures to prove it

[dangerouscommiesubversive]

Lupat phantom thieves and Kaitou Daiki, Q or Z?

Q is for quintessential

Umika rappels carefully down from the roof of the building, slips in through the high window the others left open for her, slides down her zipline the rest of the way to land silently on her feet, and stops dead. “Did...did we know we’d have company tonight?”

“No.” The shape of Tooma’s mouth is betraying nothing, but there’s a tint of amusement in the back of his voice. “This was a surprise.”

In the center of the storeroom, Kairi and a man Umika doesn’t recognize are circling each other, eyes narrowed, shoulders tense. The newcomer is wearing a white jacket and no mask, and his gaze flicks to the side for a moment towards Umika and Tooma. “It was a surprise to me too, honestly. It’s so rare to find real phantom thieves these days.”

“We’re the Phantom Thieves, thanks.” Kairi sounds like he’s just this side of actually hissing like a cat. “Who the hell are you?”

“No need to worry about that, I’m just passing through.”

“Oh, so you do talk.”

Tooma doesn’t quite turn away from the spectacle to say, quietly, “They’ve been like this for five minutes now.”

Umika nods slowly. “I...see. So. Are. Are they going to try to kill each other or should we get them a room?”

Kairi and the newcomer both bristle visibly and then say, at roughly the same time, “I’m in a committed relationship,” which the newcomer follows up with, “and he’s a little young for me, you’re what, sixteen?”

“I am twenty-one.”

Back to circling. Umika frowns, glances up at Tooma. “So...do we know where the Collection piece is?”

“Of course, it’s over in the corner there, we might as well get it while these two are occupied.” Tooma moves towards the corner indicated and stops when the newcomer, without moving his gaze from Kairi’s face, levels a large blue gun at him. “Or not.”

"Just because there are already thieves here doesn't mean I'm giving up on this World's treasure." The newcomer's voice is pleasant, calm, deceptively mild. "You can stay right where you are."

Tooma raises his hands and stays put. Umika frowns. "This world? Are you from another one?" She pauses. "You don't know the Kyuurangers, do you? I like them." There's a quiet thump behind her, and she immediately relaxes. "Hey, Noël."

"'Bonsoir, mes amis, sorry I'm late, it's lovely to see--" Noël stops at Umika's shoulder and blinks, then leans forward to squint at the newcomer and says, "Dion?"

The newcomer also blinks, although he still doesn't look away from Kairi or lower his gun. "Nicky? What are you doing in Japan? And in that ridiculous suit?"

"I could ask the same of you, you're holding a ridiculous gun on a colleague of mine." Noël brushes off his lapels. "And this is a very nice suit, thank you."

Kairi looks desperately offended. "You know this asshole?"

"Of course, we were friends in Paris a few years ago, we used to get coffee together. Lot of tension with you two, by the way, should we be taking your weapons away or getting you a room?"

"Kairi doesn't cheat on Keiichiro except with that pirate guy," Umika says, suppressing the urge to start giggling. "And this new guy’s in a relationship."

Noël's face lights up. "Oh, Dion, you finally made up with him? That's wonderful!"

"I know, right?" ‘Dion's’ face lights up momentarily in a genuine smile, which then immediately flickers into a frown. "Did she say pirate? He doesn't happen to have a red coat, does he? Fluffy hair, smug like a cat?"

Kairi scowls. "How do you know Captain Marvelous? Also," in Umika's direction, "I don't cheat on Keiichiro, it's a mutual thing, he likes him too."

"Long story. Not a big fan." The blue gun lowers, although ‘Dion’ doesn’t put it away. "I never realized this was a Sentai World. Nicky, why didn't you tell me you were a Super Sentai?"

"I wasn't at the time, it didn't come up until after you vanished on me. Without a note, I'd like to point out. And it's not as if you told me you were--whatever you are. That gun's not Lupin Collection, that's certain. I'm guessing your name isn't Dion?"

"It’s Kaitou Daiki. I'm a Kamen Rider. Did she call you Noël? That suits you better than Nicky, I like that. Am I supposed to know what the Lupin Collection is?"

Tooma's been looking back and forth between Noël and Daiki for several minutes. Now he says, quietly, "I take it you two used to date."

Noël sighs wistfully. "No, but not for lack of my trying." To Daiki, "So you're not here for a Collection piece, then. That’s good, I’d hate to have to fight you. You wouldn't care to explain what a Kamen Rider is supposed to be?”

"Still not sure what you mean by Lupin Collection, I'm here for a ring that makes flowers. It went a little astray from its original World, I’ve had a hell of a time tracking it down." Finally, Daiki tucks the gun back into his jacket and holds out a hand to Kairi, smiling pleasantly at him. "Truce?"

Kairi shakes his hand, scowling. "I still don't like you."

"Oh, the feeling's mutual, don't worry."

[artificialqueens]

The Goode Case, 14/14 (Multi) - Juno

Chapter Summary: Jaida, Brita and Jackie try to plan for the three of them to go bowling. Of course, that might not work out quite as planned!

(A/N: So ….. this is the end of TGC! It’s the epilogue, and I wanted to give them all an ending, so here it is. I’ve been so blown away by the support I’ve received for this fic, even though it’s completely insane and no one asked for it! Thank you to everyone who has left me a like, kudos, comment, or just read it and enjoyed it. It really does mean the world! xo Juno)

Tuesday 14thNovember

7.09PM

Brita:Do u want to go bowling this Friday? Xx

Jackie:The three of us??

Jaida:I don’t think three is quite enough sis. Not for a good game. We’ll be done in half an hour!

Brita:LOL if that’s a hint then yes u can ask Jan xx

Jaida smiled to herself. If she hadn’t been thinking it before, she definitely was now. She was having a great time getting to know who Jan was, and what made her tick, these past ten days or so. Hearing Jan’s unbelievable singing voice at full pelt in Jan’s little Fiat 500. Playing around doing lay-ups at the basketball court and normally losing to Jan, even thought she was the shorter of the two. Getting their legs tangled in the sheets at the end of the day …

Oh yes. Jaida had enjoyed every minute.

Jackie:Ok, I don’t need to read minds to see how this will go……..

Jaida: lmao really? X

Brita:Enlighten us Jacqueline xx

Jackie:Obvs we three want to go

Jackie:Jai invites Jan

Jackie:Brita wants to invite a gf if Jai is inviting one

Jackie:So now Aiden is coming

Jackie:Aiden always brings Crystal

Jackie:Crystal always brings Gigi

Brita:Aiden isn’t my gf

Jaida:and Im Oprah

Jackie:LOL!

Brita:shush Jai xx

Brita:we just had a couple dates so far thats all xx

Jackie:Ok so I actually laughed

Jackie:Heidi & Nicky heard me

Jackie:So they invited themselves

Jaida:oh that’s cool no problem x

Jackie seemed to see more of Heidi than Jaida did right now. Jaida might have felt strange before, the thought of her friend and her colleague mingling, no careful divide in her mind; but that was fading fast. Nicky had started teaching Heidi some useful French, rather than just more swearing, and now they were organising for Nicky to come into Heidi’s kindergarten class with some basic French for the kids.

As for Brita … well, if there was one thing Jaida had learned about her through the Goode case, it was that she often had a slightly devious ulterior motive in these innocent suggestions. And although Jaida still didn’t feel as if she knew Aiden very well yet, she’d noticed that Brita had never spent more time daydreaming in the office; prompting a few pens being thrown at her by Jackie all last week.

Brita:How many is that? I suck at math lmao

Jackie:is that nine?

Jackie:one more to make it even??

Jaida: Dahlia, I said I would organise something with her

Brita: sis u cant invite Dahl without Rock xx

Jackie:Ok look

Jackie:We can’t have eleven

Jackie:That’s an even weirder number than 3!!

Jackie:Maybe we should stick to us 3

Jackie:No friends

Jackie:no gfs

Jackie:No psychics

Brita:no psychics? So we not going either?? LOL

“Hey, Jaida.” Widow came out of her room, waving to Jaida on the couch, as she walked past to the kitchen. Jaida gave her a smile and a wave back.

Widow was still walking a little slower than usual, but finally getting back into a routine. She’d flown back from KC on Sunday night, but even the week before that, she’d seemingly made some progress. She had even started coming to talk to Jaida, feeling a bit more comfortable sharing things with her.

Jaida was struck with inspiration.

Brita:also Jackie why cant u just type a message in one line Xx

Jaida:I got it, my housemate Widow to make it 12 x

Jackie: Who?

Brita:yeah u may not have met her yet

Brita:Jai I thought u said she doesn’t like big crowds xx

Jaida: something tells me things may change x

Friday 17thNovember

7.25PM

“Child, I still don’t get why it’s called football.” Jaida teased Jan, as they sat waiting for their turns to come back round. Heidi was lining up her shot in the distance, but neither Jaida nor Jan knew the scores at this moment. “They don’t even use their feet! They use their hands! And it’s not a ball! It’s an egg! Hand-egg!”

“Jai, if you insult my precious Patriots one more time, I’ll –“

“Jan! Focus!” Heidi was calling her. “Your shot, boo!”

“Be right back after I hit a strike!” Jan reached over to kiss Jaida gently on the lips.

“Oh, so you’re not coming back?” Jaida tutted, unable to stop the grin spreading across her face. Jan playfully slapped her arm and grinned back at her.

The aisles were only good for six people each, so they’d booked two beside each other, and it looked like couples’ night in the opposite lane. Brita’s impressive round of strikes and spares was almost matched by a few strikes from Crystal, all of which she claimed were flukes. She hadn’t stopped laughing all evening, clinging to Gigi, who smiled coolly and pushed her hair out of her eyes whenever Crystal did so. Gigi herself was making a respectable score behind the two of them, claiming to just have a magic touch.

Dahlia, however, kept sinking almost every ball into the drain and sulking as she did so, going into the sixth round with only seven points on the board. Aiden, whose twelve points were almost as bad, ended up insisting on the fences being raised after her third straight round of hitting nothing, prompting Rock to hit trick shots for the rest of the evening, bouncing her bowling balls between the fences and making her turns take twice as long.

It was Widow who came to sit in Jan’s empty seat, the mischievous glint in her eyes slowly returning as the days went on. Jaida returned her smile, and Widow reached and rubbed Jaida’s forearm.

“Thanks for inviting me, sis,” she muttered. “It’s – it’s a good night.”

When Jaida had asked, Widow had hesitated in coming out as part of a large group. Following Tori’s funeral the previous weekend, Widow had insisted on a quiet time all week. But the crowd brought her straight in, particularly Heidi and Brita, who she had already met. She even seemed to click with Jackie almost immediately, both of them shrieking with glee at discovering a mutual love of Overwatch and swapping Xbox names to link up later.

But Jackie and Widow were already competing. On the scoreboard in their lane, Widow was leading the team, but only by two points, with Jackie right behind her, almost matching every single strike. Jaida was enjoying seeing them show competitive sides that they rarely did, both of them playing up the competition by pointing menacingly at each other after each turn. Jaida, Jan, Heidi and Nicky were all lagging behind them, all in a cluster, but none of them minded; they were far too amused by Jackie and Widow to care.

Jaida looked at all their names altogether on the scoreboard, and the other names on the other lane. It still felt a little weird, but Jaida was actively trying to focus on it, and tell herself that it was all good. The separation she’d held onto for so long had crumbled, and here they all were – friends, colleagues, housemates, girlfriends – all in the same space.

And bringing her friends together, into one space in her life, made Jaida feel a lot more complete.

She grinned at Widow and turned to watch Jan, who was picking up every spare bowling ball and testing their weights, before commenting on the balls all being too big and settling on the lowest weight. Jackie, next to her, was giggling at her comment.

“You like them, now that you met them?”

“I hate to admit it, but yeah,” Widow chuckled. “They’re all really, uhm –“

“Exuberant? Energetic?”

“Loud,” Widow chuckled again. “I’m getting a headache. But – they’re all so nice as well.”

They were interrupted by a whoop of joy and a leap in the air; Jan had somehow managed a strike with her tiny ball and was twirling on the spot, her blonde hair spinning a whirlwind round her face and shoulders.

“Your girlfriend – Jan – is she your colleague as well?” Widow motioned to Jan.

“No, I met her through Brita.”

“And the three students? Sorry, I can’t remember their names.”

“I can’t discuss the case, but I met them through work.”

“And the girl with blue hair?”

“That’s Dahlia’s girlfriend, Rock.”

“Rock?” Widow repeated. “As in, rock solid? Rock ‘n’ roll?”

“Yeah,”

Widow’s eyes moved between them all on the opposite lane. Gigi was lazily twirling a finger through one of Crystal’s curls, while Crystal gazed enraptured at the scoreboard, for once still and silent; Gigi seeming to be the only person able to quieten her. Aiden, whose turn it was, held a bowling ball to her torso and was trying to keep a straight face as Brita, stood next to her, held another ball and was somewhat innocently demonstrating which fingers were best to use for the holes.

In their own lane, Jan and Jackie were calling to Nicky, whose turn it was; but Nicky was curled under Heidi’s arm in the booth next to them, her long legs swung over Heidi’s lap, holding her phone and scrolling down while they both stopped for a few seconds, chuckling at whatever was on the webpage they were going through.

Jaida smiled at Widow’s bemused expression. “You’ll get used to them.”

——

THE END

[chocafe]

prom — zhu zhengting

summary: being prom queen was always your dream while zhengting’s shared the same dream, but as prom king. since you both wished for the same thing; how about be prom dates, perhaps? pairing: popularboy!zhengting x reader a/n: linong + xiaogui + ziyi + xukun + chengcheng + yanjun + zhangjing + i’m making a prom series for every member in nine percent, so i’ll link them all once i’m done!

BEFORE PROM

ever since you were little, you’ve always dreamed of becoming queen at your very own prom

it seemed like something so wonderful when you see it take place in the 90’s movies you would binge watch late at night

the spotlight would be all on the female lead while everyone is cheering them on

you wished to experience something like this once in your life

although, with your popularity, maybe this was truly meant to be a dream that was supposed to be a figment of your imagination

until one day, zhengting discusses the same dream

zhengting was quite popular on campus

he was such a talkative person and is know to befriend anyone that comes in his sight

he was passing all of his classes with an a and teachers loved him for that

his extra curricular was amazing as he participated in seasonal sports and attended whichever clubs that fitted within his schedule

not only that, but he was the prettiest boy in the whole school too

sometimes you wondered why such a person like him was friends with you

when zhengting told you that ever since he was a freshman he wanted to be the school’s prom king just once, you couldn’t help but to excitedly agree with him

“really? let’s run for prom king and queen together!”

“but this year, they’re only allowing actual dates to become king and queen so there won’t be any misunderstandings...”

“are you saying you don’t want to be my prom date?”

is he intentionally asking me to prom??? you thought to yourself

“oh, i didn’t mean it like that!”

“so is that a yes?”

“yes to what?” you weren’t completely understanding him

“to be my prom date!” he answered back with a wide grin

you gasped loudly, but you quickly covered your mouth with your hand

you would have never imagined going to prom with zhengting

that was a bigger dream than even becoming prom queen

“yes, i’ll be your date!”

you: guESS WHO HAS A PROM DATE

chengcheng: you can’t bring ur own brother to prom with you

you: can i finish first?? i’m going to prom with zhengting 🤗

chengcheng: WTF HOW DID YOU DO THAT

chengcheng: zhengting is like a 10 and you’re a . . . 3 ½

you: i came here for a good time, but i just got slandered instead

when it came to promoting yourselves as queen and king, zhengting told you not to worry about it because he’ll be in charge of it all

less work for you

flyers of you two were plastered onto every inch of the school walls

he even baked daily batches of cookies and would hand them out during lunch with a little note that read ‘VOTE FOR ZHENGTING AND Y/N FOR PROM KING AND QUEEN’

“please remember to vote for me and y/n during prom. thank you!”

“thanks for the cookie, but i’m not going to prom though.”

“then give me the cookie back”

⠀

PROM DAY

zhengting rents a party bus (with his own money because he’s a rich mf) and it’s filled with his and your friends

having a party bus is one way to warm up before prom

there was a stripper pole in the middle of the party bus and zhengting took this opportunity to be the extra legend he was

he wraps his leg onto the poll and begins to do a couple of spins as nicki minaj’s music is playing in the background

everyone is snapchatting him, but he loves the attention, so he does a couple of more moves up his sleeves

you’re covering your eyes because this is getting a little 18+ for you

after he was done with his little performance, he goes and sits by you as he wraps his arms around your shoulder

“are you having fun?” zhengting asks you. he wanted to make sure you were enjoying your time because if this was going to be a memorable night for him, it should be memorable for you too

“this is just the beginning, but it already seems so wild!” you chuckled, noticing that zhengting is laughing with you as he tightens his grip

in no time, you all arrive at the venue your prom is taking place at

zhengting grabs your hand and leads you into the building

everyone is staring at you two, but it’s reasonable because everyone there knew you two were going to be crowned king and queen that very night

“everyone is staring at us.” you whisper to zhengting

“they should be all staring at you instead. look at how beautiful you are!”

was zhengting always this slick? you wondered

with that small compliment, you were blushing like crazy, but you tried to avoid zhengting’s eye contact so he wouldn’t notice what a mess he made you into

zhengting is honestly the life of the party

you’re on the dance floor dancing with him and in a split second, he has suddenly disappeared

you’re confused because WHERE DID YOUR DATE GO

“he’ll find me later.” you tell your friends as you continue to dance with them instead

randomly, when you were minding your own business, you hear a loud scream

you look up and find a random person body surfing the crowd

that’s him

that’s zhu zhengting

“HEY THERE, Y/N!!!!” he yells out loud as he waves to you from the top of the crowd

once the dance floor calms down just a tad bit, the music stops and a teacher comes out onto the stage with a microphone in their palm

“i know everyone is too busy dancing, but i’d like to announce who this year’s prom king and queen are!”

this was it. this was the moment you’ve waited for

you and zhengting stood next to one another

he knew that you and him were going to be awarded king and queen, but it seemed like you were still anxious about this whole situation

zhengting swiftly grabs a hold of your hand and holds it in between his own

without saying a word, you turn your eyes to look over at him and he’s staring at you with his dazzlingly eyes

“don’t worry about it. everything is going to be alright.” he mouths out as uses his other hand to ruffle your hair

he always knew how to make you feel better

“and the prom king is, zhu zhengting!” the teacher says out loud, following a loud cheer

everyone is screaming for zhengting because they’re all his favorite

you give zhengting a warm hug as he quickly says “i’ll see you on stage.” before heading off

this was a couple race, but why did you feel so scared that you weren’t going to be called up?

zhengting’s popularity was over the top while you were just... you

you didn’t have as much friends as zhengting and you were quiet around others who you didn’t know well

“lastly, the prom queen is, y/n!”

just like zhengting, you had the same amounts of cheers for you, if not, maybe even more and louder than his

“congrats, y/n!” you hear everyone saying as they’re all hugging you and patting you on the back

in the far distance, you could even hear zhengting rooting you on from the stage

you walk up onto the stage to be crowned queen as you stand besides zhengting, he’s holding your hand once more just like before

you would have never imagined so many strangers being proud of you

as usual, the prom queen and king must have a solo slow dance to themselves

zhengting holds onto your hand and leads you down to the dance floor

you place your arms around his neck as he does the same, but around your waist

“i’m proud of you. this was always your dream, right?” zhengting simply says

“it’s your dream too, silly.”

“i feel more better knowing that it was yours that came true.”

since zhengting was in charge of promotions, you didn’t have a sight of what he was really doing

not only was he promoting you two as king and queen, but he was telling everyone about you and you had no knowledge of this

“y/n as queen? who’s that?”

“of course! have you seen her before? she’s possibly the most gorgeous girl in the whole school with such a sweet personality. try to get to know her sometimes.”

maybe that explained why so many people began to unexpectedly start talking to you during school

⠀

AFTER PROM

there was an after party taking place once prom was over and you and zhengting decided to head over

after a few drinks, zhengting ends up becoming totally wasted drunk and you felt like it was your responsibility to take care of him

who knew he was such a light drinker?

“zhengting, i think it’s time that we leave.”

“NO WE NEED TO DANCE MORE”

you ask your guys mutual friend, wenjun, if he could drive zhengting home since he was one of the only sober person there at the party

“i’ll only leave if you go with us too.” zhengting said in a baby voice as he gave you puppy eyes, trying to make you feel as guilty as ever

you then find yourself sitting in the back seat with zhengting

you’re sitting normally as zhengting is laying down, his head resting on your lap as his long legs were scrunched up

“ewen frwomb den heur u sew luk prewtty” he graces his hand over your cheek and slurs his words due to being way too drunk

even from down here, you still look pretty

“don’t forget that i’m still here.” wenjun adds as he steps on the pedal and steers the steering wheel

since zhengting was out drinking without telling his parents, wenjun decided that it was for the best if zhengting was to spend a night at his house instead

this saves him from getting a lecture at home

therefore, wenjun takes you home first

once you arrive at your house, zhengting hugs you down and doesn’t let you to leave the car or move in general

so there you were, sitting in the same position, car door wide open, with a drunk!zhengting clinging onto you

“when you get home, text me so i know you arrived safely!”

“zhengting, i am home.”

wenjun ends up leaving the front seat and going in the back to slap zhengting and force him to get off of you

when you found a chance, you dipped out of the car, but you found your hand being tugged right back in

zhengting is forcefully holding onto your hand, begging you not to leave

“DON’T LEAVE ME, PLEAAAAAAASSSSEEEE”

this continues for another five minutes until you decided it was getting a little out of hand

you took your hands into matter and unexpectedly placed a quick kiss onto zhengting’s lip

this caused zhengting to let you go and pause for a second because honestly what just happened?

with that happening, you booked it and ran into your house

even wenjun is shookt

the following morning, you received a text from no other than zhengting: i’m sorry i was such a mess from the after party. i don’t really remember what happened after that, but i can sure tell you that i remember last night since it was perfect because of you

[oneweekoneband]

For a while, Taylor Swift was America’s sweetheart but not anymore. Nowadays, people tend to hate Taylor Swift, sometimes for valid reasons but often for ridiculous ones. Personally, I’m pro-Taylor generally speaking but I like to regard myself as generally pretty balanced in my appreciation for her as an artist and a person. But that being said, I don’t like “Look What You Made Me Do” very much even though I do think it’s catchy and great to walking up hills to. I think it is one of the weaker songs on the album thematically speaking and falls into the trap of being too much about Taylor herself to be truly relatable.

As Hilary Collins writes in her excellent TinyLetter, 

“Taylor is the queen of lying to herself, the queen of knowing that everyone thinks she’s crazy and needy and slutty and can’t keep a man, and turning that gossip into romanticized versions of herself. Over the years she’s painted herself as, at different times, either an innocent, naive, young victim who has been betrayed repeatedly by people with bad intentions (“Dear John”, “Mean”, “Bad Blood”), or a catty, whipsmart bitch who can take care of herself (“Better than Revenge”, “Picture to Burn”, half of “Reputation”). These two personas aren’t really mutually exclusive for her, but seem to be a kind of before and after the hard times embittered her.

Taylor is unique because she both has a point and doesn’t. She is undoubtedly the victim of both unrelenting, banal misogyny from the media and some bad behavior from boyfriends (I can’t imagine John Mayer was any kinder or more gracious than she allows us to believe), but she has often cried wolf to play the victim to people who aren’t victimizing her, and the two most famous examples are black artists—Kanye and Nicki Minaj. After losing the Kanye feud, Taylor went from shittalking her exes from time to time to full-fledged rage machine, doing bad things and blaming it on her enemies, who are legion. This is why we can’t have nice! things! she sings, and what makes me love Taylor is that it’s so much fun how she sees the world. It’s aestheticized, her against them, and anytime she does something bad, she was goaded into it.

I’m not interested in parsing the morality of Taylor Swift’s worldview as presented in her body of work and public persona. I’m interested the psychology of young women who are labeled slutty and crazy and the way those women try to wrest the narrative back into their control. I’m interested in the way that being a young woman often feels like being on stage and forced to perform a role you’ve never read and knowing that you’re going to fuck it up no matter how you do it.”

As Collins implies, the songs on reputation fall into one of two categories: romantic and intimate a la “Dress” or “Delicate” and the sharp, biting angry kind, which includes “Don’t Blame Me” or “This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things” or yes, “Look What You Made Me Do.” In my opinion anyway, Taylor absolutely excels at the former while the latter seems to fall short. I don’t necessarily dislike all those songs but well, there’s a reason that apart from this one, I am not writing extensively on them this week. I just don’t have real feelings towards them because her anger strikes me as performative the way her hesitation and romanticism and love does not. But I feel like if I was in a different frame of mind, I would probably grow to appreciate them.  

I admire the gumption of Taylor in “Look What You Made Me Do” but the thing is, she’s definitely in the wrong at least in what she is referring to. She lied about not knowing about the lyrics of Kanye West’s “Famous” ahead of time for whatever reason and that was dishonest. That being said, Kanye depicting Taylor Swift as well as his ex Amber Rose naked and in the same bed as abusers like Chris Brown in the video for “Famous” is nothing short of abject misogyny but that’s how Kanye always works. While he often has a point and poignant rationale for his behavior, he takes it too far, similar to Taylor herself. 

As a woman of color who’s been a fan of Taylor Swift since like 2006, her lack of political activism sometimes frustrates me but doesn’t irk me in the same way it bothers other people. The thing is, I don’t get my politics from celebrities! My political acumen comes from other sources than rich white women and I find it much more interesting to talk about Taylor in terms of her emotional resonance and how people perceive her public and private personas rather than endlessly debating whether she voted for Donald Trump in the last election. I don’t think we’re ever going to find out who she voted for, but that being said, if she did vote for Trump (which I admittedly highly doubt), I probably will stop listening to her music because that’s the line for me personally. I just don’t fixate on it because I don’t think Taylor has or will ever be the kind of political powerhouse some of her fans want her to be and I would rather enjoy her music.

The thing about Taylor Swift is that , the things people criticize about her are often the wrong things. I think it’s perfectly appropriate to question why she hasn’t disavowed her Neo-Nazi fanbase for instance or even to call out her treatment of Kanye West to an extent and how she played up the imago of white victimhood. But, I dislike those who take it a step further (Anne-Helen Peterson of BuzzFeed, I’m looking directly at you) and use the term “playing the victim,” condemning her for writing about the people in her life and calling out her white privilege all the while ignoring that they benefit from white privilege as well! I get the appeal of writing articles about how Taylor Swift is overtly privileged and white but if the writer is also white, isn’t that kind of hypocritical? Maybe spend time thinking about how white women are complicit in white men’s racism instead or spend more time improving your own “wokeness” rather than writing rambling, badly constructed diatribes on pop stars. That’s just my personal take on it though, feel free to disagree, but please, for the love of God stop linking me to that awful BuzzFeed article (which one? All of them).

But in short, “Look What You Made Me Do” isn’t a great song, not the best on this album and not remotely close to the best Taylor Swift has written. I think it brings up interesting elements of Taylor Swift’s public persona and how she has been treated by the media but that’s the extent of it. As for the video, I enjoyed it aesthetically but wasn’t a huge fan of it thematically and thought it was attempting to be comic and failing. I feel like the only people that can truly relate to what she is talking about are the past Taylors. I’m not someone who claims that relatability should be the ultimate goal for an artist but at the same time, this overt fixation on the self without a consideration for others or how she will be perceived is far from appealing. 

In any case, I would much rather listen to “Dress” on repeat than spend my time thinking about who Taylor is referring to in “Look What You Made Me Do” and that’s just how the cookie crumbles. 

[trb-reacts]

The Raven Boys, Chapter 1 - 2

So, I have heard lots of raves (ha!) about The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater because people who is into The Foxhole Court & Captive Prince are inevitably also into this series, so I thought I would finally join in. Started this blog because I enjoyed Nicki Reads The Foxhole Court and a blog seems like a cool idea to just dump down my thoughts as I read.

I am going to break these down by chapters, but just for this one, the distribution might be a bit off because I read the first few chapters before deciding to make a blog, so I am just skimming through it real quick to point out stuff.

“Blue never grew tired of feeling particularly needed, but sometimes she wished needed felt less like a synonym for useful.”

What a lovely phrase and very very intriguing. The Human Battery is not an uncommon trope, but I like how it explicitly explores her feeling like she’s being used. 

"There are only two reasons a non-seer would see a spirit on St. Mark’s Eve, Blue. Either you’re his true love," Neeve said, "or you killed him." 

I’m very amused by this because we are told that Blue is destined to kill her One True Love when she kiss him, so chances are the spirit (Gansey) that she saw is her One True Love that She Kissed and Liked It and It Tasted Like His Incoming Doom. Or if not (because I think I know for sure that there’s some lovely gay romance destined to happen between someones (or else tumblr is just very fervent about non-canon ships, which is also definitely a possibility)), then Blue’s death count just definitively went up by one. 

his roommate Ronan Lynch replied, "You missed World Hist. I thought you were dead in a ditch."

He asked, "Did you get notes for me?" "No," Ronan replied. "I thought you were dead in a ditch." 

I’m just... so amused by this exchange. So amused.

Next to an EpiPen, there was a stick of beef jerky, but the jerky had expired two years ago. Possibly it had been there when he’d bought the car.

Maybe I’m interpreting this wrong, but why does it sound like Gansey bought a second-handed car. It just clash so horribly with the image of him being this rich boy, who had this very fake and haughty version of a camping trip.

His heart hurt with the wanting of it, the hurt no less painful for being difficult to explain.

I have no idea what’s going on here, but I love lines like this? I’m curious by what exactly does he want though. 

Ronan hefted a gas can from the trunk, making little effort to keep the greasy container from contacting his clothing. Like Gansey, he wore the Aglionby uniform, but, as always, he managed to make it look as disreputable as possible. His tie was knotted with a method best described as contempt and his shirt-tails were ragged beneath the bottom of his sweater. His smile was thin and sharp. If his BMW was shark-like, it had learned how from him.

What can I say besides I’m liking Ronan more and more. Tie knotted with contempt, his car learning to be shark-like from him. What a description, what a character!

"My dick brother wants us to meet him at Nino’s tonight. With Ashley[...] We’re meant to look pretty for her." Gansey resented having to play nicely with Ronan’s older brother, a senior at Aglionby, but he understood why they had to. Freedom in the Lynch family was a complicated thing, and at the moment, Declan held the keys to it.

"He wants to do it tonight because he knows I have class." 

I’m admittedly baffled by this exchange, or maybe I can’t just fully parse out the subtleties. Why does Ronan’s brother Declan want to show off Ronan’s friends to his girlfriend which he switches every three days, but without Ronan’s presence? Is that a thing? Also, like I know I’m nitpicking, but if Declan does this all the time, then why would Ronan say ‘us’, including himself in the equation, especially when it sounds like the hate has been kinda mutual on all sides for a while now??

Yeah, I don’t get it. Complicated, indeed. Gansey also seems to not like Declan, which I find funny because he seems like the nice guy who likes everyone so far to me. Also what’s a Nino?

Ronan didn’t sound very interested, but that was part of the Ronan Lynch brand. It was impossible to tell how deep his disinterest truly was. Did I mention that I’m liking Ronan more and more?

"Gansey," it said. ...It was still strange to hear himself on the recording, with no memory of saying the words. Then, as if from very far away, a female voice, the words hard to make out: "Is that all?"

Whelp, I think the possibility of One True Love just increased exponentially. Also I forgot to mention, but Gansey is destined to die within a year. Which is just... tragic, especially for his band of friends. 

And a very old British professor had said, The world turns out its pockets for you, boy. The key, Gansey found, was that you had to believe that they existed; you had to realize they were part of something bigger. Some secrets only gave themselves up to those who’d proven themselves worthy

I love the entire concept. Just, I’m always a little fascinated by the power of belief (e.g. gods are powerful because people believe and when they stop, they die)

This last part was directed at Adam as he climbed out of the BMW with Ronan’s phone still in hand. He offered it to Ronan, who shook his head disdainfully. Ronan despised all phones, including his own.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the Raven Boys and their quirks, but like... there’s something such as too much sometimes? Complicated relationship with his brother, freedom to be gained, disdain for all, despises phones, and I’m sure much more is going to pop up. How am I going to ever keep track of all this and not mix one boy’s eccentricity for the other’s?

There’s so much depth for each of them that with each detail, my image of them is just getting murkier. 

"Am I invited?" Adam could be peculiarly polite. When he was uncertain about something, his Southern accent always made an appearance, and it was in evidence now. Adam never needed an invitation. He and Ronan must’ve fought. Unsurprising. If it had a social security number, Ronan had fought with it

I like this because Adam sounded so comfortable and belonging in the group thus far. Then, Am I invited and you can feel the distance stretching endlessly between them again. Don’t want to get burned by assuming, purposely distancing or a stab at Ronan? Why am I so sure it’s the first?

Also, detail number 50 about Ronon.  If it had a social security number, Ronan had fought with it. Once again, love the phrasing, a little too much detail to keep track of and a little... too telling? I coulda waited until a little later to be shown that Ronan fights with everyone. 

Gansey said, "Tell me there’s no sauce on this burger." Dropping the strap from his teeth, Ronan scoffed. "Please." "No pickle, either," Adam said,

I’m offended you’d ever consider that I would forget how you like your burger, is what they’re saying. Sweet, though Gansey, no sauce? Sauce is life for me. 

He’d not only brought two small containers of fuel additive, but also a rag to place between the gas can and his khakis; he made the entire process look commonplace. Adam tried so hard to hide his roots, but they came out in the smallest of gestures.

A thoughtful sweet cinnamon that needs protecting. The commoner trying to hide his roots and fit in, except he gives himself away a little each time he shows how much he cares through his attention to detail, since rich bastards never have to impeccably keep their clothes clean ‘cause they can’t afford to replace it. I feel for Adam. 

[Adam’s] letters always looked like they were running from something.

So much double meaning and hints and no answers anywhere in sight. Sigh. 

[f-xholecourt]

even underneath the waves, i’ll be holding on to you

aftg zombie au, “i want to go back for you”. warning: very long basically, what would happen if neil and andrew were separated during an apocalypic situation.

The news says it first.

The world is ending and everything has gone to shit.

Nowhere is safe and nothing is okay anymore.

Nothing was ever okay, but they make it sound new, like this is something nobody expected to happen. Not here, never here.

It started with a virus. It was like the flu in every other way; the fever that kept people bedridden for days, the sickness and the headaches. It was like the flu in every other way but one: it slowly ate away at people’s insides, made living people into nothing but hollow hosts. Nobody would have expected a kindergarten teacher from the West to lash out her students but it was even worse when she bit one, and then he bit his mother three weeks later and she bit her boss. Like that, the vicious cycle continued. Everywhere there was panic, there was a disaster, there was death.

That’s when they started containing it to specific states. Texas and Louisiana were closed off with high walls, chain link fences and barbed wire tops that buzzed and hummed with electricity. Nobody got in, and nobody came out. Anyone who wasn’t infected before the walls went up, they were by the time they were boxed in. They died there, death by association. By then it was too late, it had spread every state within weeks, so the fight was useless. People had brought it into their lives and it made itself right at home underneath their skin, nestled between their organs, eating away at entire generations and still never satisfied.

And so the news says it first.

The world is ending and everything has gone to shit. The security measures, the walls, they’re all coming tumbling down. Without the manpower to keep them secure, the rabid have slipped through and it’s been said that they don’t feel, anymore. That the people are the hosts and the virus does the thinking. No matter how many bullets one person spends trying to take ten of them down, it just doesn’t work anymore. They’re thinking of sealing the states again, and so wherever you are, that’s where you stay.

Nowhere is safe and nothing is okay anymore. Neil has never been safe. He’s always been running, panting, holding a hand to his waist until the knot in his side subsides so he can keep going. Maybe that’s why this is so easy, hearing it. Having it announced to the world that America is crumbling, it’s a sinking ship and the dead are the only survivors. That’s always been his world, his father’s world, the Moriyama’s world.

But then comes that nag at chest, the tightening of his lungs. After agreeing to give over eighty percent of his future earnings to the Moriyama’s various charities, after agreeing to pay his debts he was allowed to start filling the grave his father had dug for him. And Andrew took another shovel and started filling it with him, never speaking but acknowledging. Together they buried Nathaniel Wesninski six feet under, and Neil hasn’t looked back since.

Now there’s this. And maybe it would be easier if the reporter wasn’t shaking or if she could just stop stuttering and get her act together, but all she does is alert Neil to the fact his chest is constricting and his fingers are shaking because this means it’s time to start running, it’s time to pack his duffel and his money and his cigarettes and it’s time to leave before it’s too late. Time to leave Palmetto State University behind and find somewhere where he can survive again.

It’s not so easy this time. This time Nathaniel is Neil, and Neil has friends, family, a life he can’t leave behind without wanting to scream at the hand he’s been dealt. Neil put his roots down and the Palmetto State Foxes, with their distasteful orange banners and patchwork lives each put in a hand to cover them with soil. He can’t leave without them, he can’t leave without Andrew. He made a promise, and maybe he didn’t say it out loud and maybe Andrew will hold him to that when the time comes but he said, “I want to go back for you” and Andrew called his bluff. He can’t leave without him.

So he doesn’t. He won’t, but Neil is unfortunate enough that Andrew went to Columbia with Aaron, Nicky and Kevin to sort some ‘business’ with Roland, despite the warnings that came heavy with leaving the state. If you leave and the gates close, you’re never getting back in. They don’t care whether your children are on the other side, whether you didn’t get to say goodbye to your parents or even if the hoard of raving puppets on loose strings is coming right for you. Whatever you leave behind, you’re never going to see it again. That’s what scares Neil the most. He and Andrew are no longer tied together by deals but by…He still doesn’t know what to call it. Convenience, mutual respect, the feeling that this, this thing between them is something nobody else will ever be able to live up to?

Whatever it is, it means that Neil belongs to Andrew and Andrew belongs to Neil. No doubts, no questions, no hesitation. Andrew listens to Neil because he’s the only person that matters and Neil ignores the “I hate you”s because he’s the only person that knows the truth. If they separate, they’re wounded, weaker, they’ll die without one another. Maybe not Andrew because he did just fine before Neil but Neil would never be able to successfully stand on his own two feet after leaning on Andrew for so long. He needs him, he wants him and he can’t leave without him.

As if he’s somewhere, reading Neil’s thoughts, his phone lights up and Andrew’s name is on the screen. He doesn’t spare another second in getting it to his ear, and the sound of Andrew’s voice is enough to calm the sea of emotions and thoughts swirling in his head. He doesn’t even have to say anything for Andrew to know what he’s feeling.

“You’re panicking,” Andrew says, voice steady.

“I’m not.” Neil is quick to defend himself, but even he notices the tremor in his voice. There’s no denying the panic because it’s set too far into his bones and he can’t scrape it out. “Turn it off,” Andrew says, giving Neil steps to take at a time. He grabs the remote and silences the TV, images still pouring across it. “It’s off.” And before Andrew can give him more orders, “Where are you?” He can hear the traffic and the static of the radio and can hear Nicky talking, but not well enough to understand what he’s saying. Neil hopes they’re on their way back. Prays for it, even.

“Unimportant. What are you doing?” Andrew asks evenly.

“It’s important to me, where are you?” It’s less of a question and more of a demand, and both metaphorically and physically Neil is on the edge of his seat.

“Traffic’s too heavy.” Andrew sighs, finally.

“I’ll come to you.” Neil says, firmly. “No, you won’t. Stay with Renee.” It sounds more like a plea than an order. Neil ignores it.

“You never handed me over to Renee, remember? We talked about this, I’m your problem.” You talked, I didn’t listen. “What’s the traffic like coming into Columbia?” Talking to Andrew makes Neil feel stronger like maybe he can do this after all. The running won’t pull him back but propel him forward, towards Andrew.

“There isn’t any.” Andrew takes a long time in admitting. People are trying to get further into the country, away from the edges. Neil can understand, they all have something worth running towards. Hope. “Good, then I won’t be long.” “You’re hellbent on making life difficult.” “Only yours.” And Neil spends a new lingering moments listening to Andrew’s breathing and the way it changes before Andrew hangs up. He’s relieved, too, after speaking to Neil and know that Neil knows Andrew is waiting for him, he wastes no time.

His duffel consists of three main items; his binder, with everything he amounts to carefully tucked away inside it; his cigarettes, three packets of them because Andrew keeps stealing them; and only four different outfits. He measures that he can shove some shoes and his coat into his car, the one he’d bought to celebrate living and having ‘Neil Josten’ printed on something government issued. He walks around their room and picks things up as he goes; his phone charger, three lighters, two books and four pens and when he springs into the hallway, Renee is standing outside the door with her hand raised as though she was about to knock.

“You really are going.” She says softly.

“Yes,” Neil replies as he locks the door, checks it twice for good measure. Not that it matters, he’ll probably never see this building ever again once he drives through the gates. “Andrew asked you to change my mind.” “Yes.” Renee smiles. She knew before she came that she wouldn’t be able to. “But I’m just here to say goodbye.” “Oh,” and suddenly Neil feels empty again. “And to give you these.” Knives. Neil knows even through the fabric of the scarf they’re wrapped in. Renee has very little she’d ever want to give away, but knives are precious, a symbol of her past and her strength. “Thank you.” Neil says. “I hope I never have to use them.” He knows he will. “I do too.” And so does Renee. Neil shares with her one of his most honest, saddest smiles and a lasting goodbye before he heads for the stairs. He doesn’t risk an emotional goodbye with the others, he’ll see them again. He has to. Even if they close the state lines and he can’t get back through, they’ll find a way. They always do.

Getting himself on the road with that frame of mind is easy. Neil rubs his temples to stop a brewing headache, rests his elbow on the window and drives with one hand on the steering wheel. The sky is smiling, bright and cloudless and serene despite the state of the earth below it and Neil wishes it was raining, storming, anything that would reflect his mood. The closer he gets to the gates, the closer the billboards seem, broadcasting known symptoms of the illness, where you can get help, reminding people about the curfew and what happens to those to disobey the new law. Newsflash: they get shot on sight. If an officer, for so much as a fleeting second, thinks you're a Hollow, you’re dead. No repercussions for killing a civilian.

Those are the laws and they’re handed to Neil again on a pamphlet he gets at the border. His ID is checked, but they’re not really strict on who they let where anymore, the only thing they’re interested in is his health, and so every civilian bust carry a recent medical exam, dated within six months or less. When they’re satisfied, they let Neil go and he crumples the pamphlet and throws it out of the window, adding it to the pile that has built at the roadside. A lot of people are tired of seeing it advertised everywhere. A lot of people, for once, share Neil’s same sentiment. Everyone had thought, with the human race being wiped out by something other than global warming, people could pull together and share support, but all they got were locked doors and boarded windows, surgical masks and limited interaction with even neighbours people had known for since diapers.

It got worse when the media let it slip that the virus was man-made, and was to be used in warfare. Then the riots began and the President couldn’t handle the pressure and handed the position to his Vice. Life bit him in the ass when he got sick three months later and hollowed out within four weeks. Neil got a special kick out of that one, as well as the news that Ichirou had fallen ill and before he could be stopped, left the country. Some part of Neil hoped he spread it to whatever poisonous people he kept around him, or that he died and he’d never have to see him again.

That’s the only death he can picture himself being satisfied with. Every other thought is paired with dread. It could be Allison, Dan, Matt, Kevin…It could be any of them and Neil wouldn’t be able to take it. It could be Andrew and the world would shatter. Nothing would matter after that.

Self-preservation would mean nothing if the person he’s been preserving himself for isn’t around to berate him for it. Like he’s going to do when Neil pulls up. He’ll ask him, “Yes or no?” And Neil will say yes, it will always be yes, and Andrew will fist his hoodie where it dips at the neck and pull him closer, asking “What the fuck are you doing?” before either Neil explains, or Nicky tries to cut in and save him the trouble.

As it works out, it’s the former. The minute Neil pulls his car to a stop, Andrew is pushing himself off of the wall with both brows raised as if to say wow, you’re brave and Nicky’s too interested to stop him. As soon as Neil closes his car door, he’s not one second on the pavement before he’s being backed up against it, a quiet and subtle question falling from Andrew’s lips and an answer hurriedly fumbling through Neil’s as they go. “What the fuck are you doing?” Predictable, to Neil, as always. Neil stays quiet for a minute, lets the anger dissipate between them before he reaches to pinch the hem of Andrew’s shirt between his fingers, just to feel that he’s there, that he’s real. “I said I’d come back for you.” Neil swallows, and Andrew’s fist does find its home in Neil’s hoodie.

“They’re going to close the state lines,” Andrew says, grip tightening, but he doesn’t really care. He wants to think Neil does. “You’ll never be able to go back there.” “I don’t care.” And he does care, but he’s selfish when it comes to what he wants. What he wants is Andrew, and he’ll be unhappy on either side of the gate, but at least here, this could be home. Andrew’s jaw works, as if sensing this thought, and Neil tips his head forward, just shy of touching Andrew’s, waiting for him to make the move. He does, without hesitation, and in another second they’re kissing.

The panic seeps out of Neil’s bones with the certain and unwavering strength of Andrew keeping him up, the unquestionable weight of Andrew’s lips against his own. Neil hears Nicky gasp as if he’s witnessing something he shouldn’t and understands why because the kiss is rough; with it Andrew is making sure Neil understands that he’s pissed at the lack of concern for his safety, his recklessness, and the fact that now he has to babysit him, as if there isn’t enough going on. He’s making sure Neil knows that he wants him here, and he’d have fought tooth and nail to get over those gates if they’d closed. In his own way, Andrew is saying that he’d have felt as lost as Neil would have without him. It’s desperation mixed with a hidden vulnerability, and Nicky shouldn’t be seeing it— maybe that’s why he makes himself scarce and heads inside.

“You are an idiot,” Andrew says when he pulls back, fingers uncurling but keeping the fabric of Neil’s hoodie between them. Comfort.

“Self-destruction is an art that I’ve perfected.” Neil returns and Andrew gives a short laugh, “I’m good at it, but even then I wouldn’t call this that.” “What would you call it?” “Surviving.” And it is. Neil, Andrew, Kevin, Nicky and Aaron are going to survive on this side of the gate even if it kills Neil to keep them all alive. He’ll think like Nathaniel if he has to, but he won’t run like him anymore, not without the others quick on his heels, not if they don’t want him to. Neil kisses Andrew again, turning all of his thoughts into a silent conversation, unspoken promises of If you have my back, I’ve got yours.

[ravenvsfox]

Can you make a couples post about Kevin and thea please make it up as you go along if you have to, please. I love your writing and ideas.

thank you lovely, i’ll try my best bc they’re so good

SEND ME A SHIP AND I’LL TELL YOU…

who is more likely to hurt the other?

I think kevin is an ~idiot and he’d probably say something thoughtless about Thea’s form 

I also think that he canonically abandoned her without a single fucking word when he left the ravens and that a lot of her anger after that comes from hurt

I think they’re both pretty damaged and susceptible to hurt tbh, but kevin doesn’t seem to understand when he’s hurting people

who is emotionally stronger?

proooooobs thea I mean. she braved the nest and came out the other side with her head on straight. she did not for a second let kevin fuckin day get to her. she’s still soft on the inside, and exy’s become kind of a coping mechanism in a lot of ways, but she’s less obviously fucked up by the moriyamas then kevin is (simply bc she was less important to them yikes)

who is physically stronger?

THEA BOYYYYY this isn’t even up for debate!!!!! neil describes her as being built like a tank, she’s an unstoppable fucking powerhouse on the court, we’re talking serena williams’ body type, just like.. immovable and gorgeous. kevin is so shaken he’s in love w her muscles..... he wants to be knocked to the fucking floor by her....... she fires a ball into his helmet so hard that it cracks and he pops a boner

who is more likely to break a bone? 

hilarious im gonna say the boy w the infamously broken hand 

who knows best what to say to upset the other? 

good question I have no fucking clue they can both be dicks if the situation calls for it

I’m going to say that thea knows what to say to give kevin mad cold shoulder and she can smoke him out in a SECOND if he’s being a dick like she knows when to ignore him and when to back him into a corner

but kevin tends to be unnecessarily rude more often. he’s mean bc he knows that it gets results. thea does not tolerate him bringing this attitude home w him

who is most likely to apologize first after an argument? 

neither? bitch?? if both of them believe they’re right there are gonna be exactly zero (0) sorry’s

I do think they’re probably softer w each other when they’re one on one and I’d be willing to bet that their arguments end with kevin explaining things to death and thea listening and narrowing her eyes a lot and holding the front of his shirt bc she’s mad but she still wants contact and they kiss and make up w out actually ever saying the words

who treats who’s wounds more often? 

I think in the nest you’ve gotta take care of each other, so they both learn to sit the other down and hold gentle hands to the injured person’s sternum to keep them down, and they sit and wrap gauze. it’s v intimate. they probably did it for the first time when thea was playing for the ravens and kevin had yet to debut on the raven line, and there was enough of an age difference between them that it was pretty innocent. thea was overworked and hit for her trouble and kevin came up bc he was terribly impressed by her and a little bit in love and he dabbed at her cuts like the clumsy 17 year old that he was

who is in constant need of comfort? 

it’s mutual bc their pasts are mutual, but I’m willing to bet that it’s kevin who wakes up sweating and crying, & thea knows how to give enough distance and turn on the lights so he remembers where he’s not. He was in shackles for longer. he still kinda hates himself sometimes. thea strokes the chess piece on his cheek and tells him that he checked riko straight to hell

who gets more jealous? 

shit man idk?? neither of them really have room for anything in their lives other than exy and each other (and reluctant connection w teammates/family) so there’s not a lot of jealousy fodder. and they’re never gonna be jealous of the other person caring more about exy than them bc like. that’s understood. if I had to guess I might say thea’s jealous of the world falling all over themselves to get a glimpse at Kevin Day you know

who’s most likely to walk out on the other? 

I hate to say either bc they’re a really good match and I feel like they’d bounce back really easily, but it’s possible that they fade away from each other when they’re getting their footing on their respective teams. thea can feel herself getting distracted and she pulls out. kevin shows up like???? >:( and they make up on the spot

who will propose? 

probably kevin bc he does the math and realizes that thea is the best thing that’s ever happened to him in his LIFE. he’s probably 10 shots of vodka deep and he looks up suddenly like :O wait a second she’s perfect??? how do I keep her? and nicky has to be like dude.. have u heard of marriage..... it’s nifty and it’s been legal for you straight people for a bajillion years

who has the most difficult parents?

i know literally nothing about thea’s parents but considering jean’s family was a shitty mess that got caught up in the moriyamas I’m assuming most or all of the ravens are in similar situations?? they play for.... the mafia.....

so unless they’re saints, they’re definitely not better than david wymack can I get an amen

who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public? 

im trying to picture them holding hands........ I think they would in a like... come here! hurry ur ass up! kind of way like thea spends all her time dragging kevin’s oblivious ass around

who comes up for the other all the time? 

considering neither of them mentioned each other or their relationship for like two books........ idk

i bet you in an easier world it would be kevin though. (my gf is beautiful and strong. she could obliterate u w one swing of her racquet. she wears pretty pastels on her face. i want to kiss her)

who hogs the blankets? 

don’t tell but kevin’s obsessed w feeling coddled and warm and I’m willing to bet that he hogs both the blankets and the woman until thea is also bundled up. i hope they learn to cuddle. I bet they’re rlly bad at it at first but it gets easier and more constant over time

who gets more sad? 

again like. I know v little about thea’s background but if she’s in the nest she’s in deep shit. the both of them were assets that had their lives manipulated out of their own hands. kevin’s wound is open and thea’s is poorly sewn up and neither of them are doctors tbh it takes time and professional help until thea can take her old jersey number off of her necklace and replace it with a chess piece pendant (3 guesses which one)

who is better at cheering the other up? 

they’re reeeally bad at this tbh both of them are like ‘uhhhh... don’t cry.. please..rlly.. stop’ spoilers it’s bc they’ve never been properly comforted themselves :))))

BUT as time goes on kevin starts clumsily recreating things the foxes have said to him and it’s really sweet, and thea can be v mellow when they’re alone together, so she’ll take his bad hand and massage the tension out of it, and smooth his hair back and tell him what an idiot he’s being but like.. fondly

who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes?

nope

who is more streetwise?

I still know nothing about thea but I’m willing to bet that it’s her bc she’s been out in the world for longer?? idk where she was before evermore but she’s already building a life for herself after it when we meet her. kevin’s fresh out of it. he’s messed up but he was messed up indoors under lock and key. all he has now is a little experience from columbia and from watching andrew

who is more wise?

tough to say? I get the feeling that thea knows better than kevin? idky she just..... knows

he’s oblivious at best tbh he knows obscure facts and exy exy exy. thea does too but she also has that practicality and survival baked into her. she seems sharp to me

who’s the shyest? 

not really shy so much as unwilling to show mmmmm anything about themselves until they’re in deep. Thea comes in and orders neil out of the room the first time she meets him ! like she has every right to be pissed but she doesn’t seem stressed that she’ll be disobeyed or come across as rude. I think she’s familiar with being listened to. kev has that sickly media personality and a seven layer cake of repression underneath that so..

pick ur poison. they’re both mostly bravado anyway

who boasts about the other more? 

again, in a perfect world, kevin’s bragging about thea

but as is thea gets all these questions about kevin in interviews and she’s like “hi we’re here to talk about me” but if they ask the right question she’ll get this sly smile and drop them some subliminal messaging type hints about their relationship and move on

kevin’s more sputtery and obvious about thea. she’s his weakness

who sits on who’s lap?

I bet it’s both bc kevin’s obsessed w thea’s thighs on either side of his lap & her weight on top of him and thea likes how pliant and focused kevin gets when he’s looking down at her

[sea-side-scribbles]

Fanfiction: Sympathy For A Downer

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22737214/chapters/80799997

Chapter 71

Birdie was so happy about Nick's offering that she didn't mind staying for a while longer. They chatted and made first plans about what their mutual project should actually be like. Nick showed her his collection of guitars he had in his suite and made use of one of them. He found that their voices sounded wonderful together. And they would look smashing together, too. Nick was very happy to work for such a promising project. He was looking forward to it and it helped him to relax, too. It gave him the distraction he needed after everything that had happened. When Birdie eventually said goodbye to him, they had had much fun, even though none of them had taken Party Favours or got drunk. Nick left his suite himself shortly after, because he had friends to come back to. And when he thought of Virgil while passing by the statue, it didn't dampen his mood. Virgil would've been proud of him, he was sure of it.

At home he greeted his band just as happily and they all wanted to know if Nick's current trip had brought another project into being or solved another problem. Nick implied that he had planned something, but he had to keep them on tenterhooks for now, because he wanted to talk to James first. “You'll make it, Nick”, Matt said and the amount of trust in his voice almost made Nick cry. He visited James in the office and it nearly felt like the good old times. “James, do you have time for me?” Though the half-opened door he could see his new manager leaning over a pile of papers, reading intently. His face lit up when he saw Nick. With a joyful expression, he gestured him to come in. “Of course! What is it? You've been off your own bat for a while now.” Nick grinned mysteriously, entering the room. “This is gonna be great!”, he said full of convincement. He sat down next to James, who couldn't keep his eyes of his rockstar.

“I made my show more phenomenal than it would've been anyway! At the same time I've settled an unnecessary fight!” James lifted an eyebrow. “You remember Birdie? We talked about her, that she might take my place and perform at Memorial Day....She was Virgil's star, too, and she's really good. I finally got to know her. We came closer to each other because of...what we feel for Virgil and I'm convinced we should overcome this together.” He made a pause to take a breath. James didn't flinch. “We'll perform together. I invited her today and she accepted and we have so many ideas...This is gonna be fantastic! The fans will go wild!” Nick looked at James with excitement in his eyes, searching for approval. “This is surely a surprise...” “Yeah! Nobody will expect this! The press keeps claiming we couldn't stand each other!” “Do you really want this?” James gave Nick an urgent look. Nick began to doubt. “What do you mean? Don't you like the idea? Do you want me to cancel it?”

James' expression became mild again. “Forgive me...I'm afraid  my inner therapist is breaking through again...I had to ask. I know that you're sometimes doing things because you feel guilty. Do you feel guilty because of Virgil?” And as so often, Nick took the question seriously and thought about it. “I don't know...It's not the same as with Morrie...It's not that I made him go anywhere dangerous...right?” Nick crossed his arms, pondering. Then he dismissed it with a shake of his head. “Actually, I've put up with it until you asked”, he said woefully. “I'm sorry, Nicky...I'm certain you're not to blame, but it's possible  you feel obliged to help Birdie.” Nick wiped an invisible lint from his suit. “Well...I wouldn't say 'obliged'...I feel sorry for her, that's true...But I also don't want us to part ways without any ado.” “This is indeed plausible”, James admitted. “I was afraid you do this because you think you can't make it alone.” Nick's expression darkened. “What's wrong with not being alone?” “You have us.” “Yeah, and you will be there, too! Everyone who matters to me will be there! This is going to be a fresh start!” “Does she matter that much to you?”, James asked quietly. “James!”, Nick blurted out, then he caught himself a bit. “Are you jealous?” The manager again didn't flinch. “I just don't understand why you want to impair your success.” “Impair?” “Did you never consider she could steal the show?” Nick boldly flashed his eyes at him. “Do you think I'm so unremarkable?” “No, but I don't know what to think about her.” “You can trust me, James”, Nick urged him. “Also, it's impossible to cancel it now. And I would turn her against me for sure.” James gave him a mysterious look. “In that regard, you can however trust me...” “No, James”, Nick suddenly said pleadingly. “Please, don't...” His eyes glazed over, then he closed them. His hands massaged his temples as if he had an headache. “Ah, well...”, his manager answered calmly. “If you want it this way, then this is what you'll get.” Nick opened his eyes again, slowly and blinking, taking notice of his surroundings again. “You...you're helping me?” James took Nick's hand. “I'm at your side, Nick.” Nick thankfully squeezed the comforting hand.

Jack kept his promise. When they presented the project to the band, he appeared to be excited about the idea and supported Nick wholeheartedly. Not that the band would've been very critical about it anyway. Just as Nick had guessed, they found everything smashing and he didn't know what their true opinion would've been. He regretted that he couldn't get through to them anymore but he comforted himself with the fact that he now had the chance to convince them that he was a good band leader and that he didn't exploit them. When they turned sober again, he would have enough proof and they hopefully wouldn't believe anymore that he had done something horrible to Virgil.

After all, he still liked their company. He could talk to Matt again as if they never had a fight, as if they were best friends again. He was moved by that every time. Chris began to show him tricks again, shared riffs with him and stayed with him for long jam sessions. He seemed to forget that Nick wasn't the inexperienced freshman anymore. In the old days he had learned a lot from the lead guitarist. Chris had taken him under his wing back then and Nick had gladly absorbed everything he was told and shown. He had admired Chris anyway. Later, the lead guitarist had claimed that Nick stole all his ideas. It hurt to think about it, but now it seemed to be obliterated. Nick was sure that real forgiveness would feel much better, but it still comforted him that they were friends again. Or even a family. Also Brad had unlearned all mistrust. He often hung around with Matt. The two had gotten along very well from the beginning, since him and Nick had joined the band. When Birdie finally visited them they simply came along. The band accepted her and they took their time to create their style. Nick was sure he had made the right decision.

Arthur looked around with a scowl on his face. He couldn't explain why the sight affected him that much. After all, it didn't change anything. Or did it? A part of him insisted on it, and that was why he could only let out a depressed sigh while his fingers ran along the cradle. The mobile hung above his head, brightly coloured and rather new, in contrary to the ones he had seen in many damaged houses in the Garden District. However, it was just as lonely as them. He assumed the child had a better fate than the ones in the past. Pondering, Arthur gave the mobile a little push. It began to dance, letting shadows flicker over the empty bed. He wondered how Sally was doing right now. How she managed to get out of town, with a baby. Why didn't she tell him?

Arthur punched the cradle in frustration. The next moment he was sorry about it. It wouldn't have changed anything. She got all the help she wanted. Thinking about the cod liver oil, he closed his eyes shut as if he could lock away the obvious. Not for an experiment, not a Sally whim... It wasn't proof that the baby was sick. It could've been pure precaution. Still, Arthur now believed to understand the trouble he had seen in her eyes. And the relief, when Nick offered her his help. Whatever Nick's true motive had been, Arthur wished he had acted more like him, wouldn't have made such a fuss about it. Not everyone wanted to prey on him, that's what it looked like now. She could've fucking said something!

Arthur had slumped down in a corner by now. Did she think he would betray her? Didn't she trust him, after everything they... No. Not again. He shook off the thought. But he wasn't a traitor. Did Nick know? Was that the reason why he had urged Arthur to help her? For a moment he felt betrayed. But no, Nick was just a Wellie. She wouldn't have risked that. Still, he couldn't help but to feel betrayed. She had a baby, from who knows who, and she left for good, leaving an emptiness that Arthur couldn't fill up with anything. But what was he thinking, he wondered. He didn't care about Sally anymore! The emptiness was created by Nick! He exhaled loudly. Oh, Nick... What had he said about concurrently love? In any case, it wasn't a state Arthur liked very much. Especially not after losing both of them. Finally, he struggled up again. Stop crying!, he scolded himself. You lost Sally long ago and you should've been smarter than getting involved with Nick! He had to keep on, clench his teeth. There was a lot to do.

Nick and Birdie goaded each other into giving their peak performance. Nick noticed how the other superstar's presence called him to discipline again and aroused his ambition. Nick didn't want her to steal the show by any means, and he was sure that she felt the same. They would both give their best. According to that, they were exhausted after every session. One night, Nick decided to show Birdie his secret lair. They both were a bit tipsy despite all the discipline and clung to each other while ascending the stairs. He ordered her to close her eyes as he tried for the right combination to open the secret entrance. The guitars on the wall looked a bit more blurry than usual, and it was harder to read the instructions. He succeeded after a few tries while Birdie convulsed with laughter because he couldn't open his own lair. She quickly stopped teasing him when she stood in the great hall.

“They're gigantic!”, she exclaimed, staring at the golden statues. “Are they turning or is that just me?” Nick laughed. “They're standing still. It must be you.” She punched his arm and he liked it. Going further, Nick proudly presented the next room. Birdie examined everything. “Wow, looks like hell broke loose in here!” Nick had fond memories of that. “And that is where you record your songs?” She pointed at the piece of equipment in the left corner. “Among other places”, Nick said. “I guess I created a lot of my greatest hits in here.” “Are they all yours?” She eyed his collection of LPs. “I guess so...” Nick scratched his head. “All my old songs should be here, too.” “How old?” “Ah...very old...” He searched them. Then he froze, holding a record in his hands and staring at it. “Oh...this is making me...I don't know...”, he slurred, fighting the upcoming sadness. “What's wrong? Are you sick?” Birdie was quickly by his side.

Nick pulled out the record and sighed. “It's our first album...I had it here...the whole time...” “Wow, are you sure?” Nick's unwellness was forgotten. “It's forbidden to remember, but sometimes I just have to...”, he said quietly. “They are happy memories”, Birdie pointed out. “Yeah...” Nick ran a finger over his own photo on the cover. “Is this you with sixteen?” “Yeah...”, Nick muttered. “Fancy hair”, she remarked. Nick had to smile. “I felt so free and wild with it...Hard to believe Virgil convinced me to change it.” “I guess the fashion changed.” She shrugged. “Probably...Virgil always kept me up to date...He had Davy to help him.” “Oh, yeah, he's helping us all...” She looked at the photo. “Who's idea was the moustache?” Nick scratched his neck. “I don't know...I guess it was mine...I always liked Morrie's...” He stopped. “He looks hot with it indeed”, she agreed and eyed Morrie's photo, that Nick hadn't dared to look at. “I know, right?”, Nick didn't hesitate to say. “I...think I had a soft spot for him once...”. She tried to remember. “He was always so mysterious.” “He didn't know how popular he really was”, he muttered, surprised that Birdie knew him. “Poor Morrie...”, she sighed. “Yeah...” Nick's face fell.

“Sorry, Nick...”, she quickly said. “I don't know, why I keep doing this. I can't have a normal conversation since...” “Since what?” Birdie winced. “That's...another unhappy memory.” “Hey, I won't melt, you can expect me to put up with it”, he assured her. “Well...” She crossed her arms. “A Downer attacked me once...I can't really close my mind anymore since then...” “Oh...right...” It downed upon Nick. “I...completely forgot about that...” “I should forget it too...We should talk about something else.” “Are you really okay?”, Nick asked softly. His guilty feelings weren't long in coming. She smiled again. “Virgil was with me a lot. He stood by me.” Nick could imagine that the manager's presence had been very comforting. “You meant a lot to him.” Birdie hugged herself again. “I hope so...” They looked at each other and Nick was sure he knew how she felt.

“It's not a bad thing to grieve. I'm grieving too. I also lost someone who had been precious to me”, he blustered out. “Sure...Morrie...Virgil...” She sounded uncertain. “And another one...”, Nick added. “I...liked them as much as you liked Virgil...” “I'm sorry...” For a while they fell silent. “We're some...funny chaps...”, Nick remarked, grinning a little. Birdie's mouth corners twitched as  well. “This is just between the two of us...”, she said and it sounded like a question. “Of course”, he answered without hesitation. “Hey, I have many illegal traits, you could just as well do the dirty on me.” “You know I wouldn't do that”, she said with a soft voice. Nick blinked. “Do I?” She looked at him. “Come on, Nick, put the record on.” “Yeah? You really want to hear that?” “I do. And I want you to dance with me. Let's be sixteen once again.”

There goes nothing, Nick thought. He had the feeling that dancing meant bad luck for him, after what happened the last time. But when he took her hand and saw her beaming at him, his sorrows melted away. They were still there, these people that simply radiated warmth, that made him feel that everything would be alright, that gave him back his strength and showed him that he could still do something right. Dancing with her was the best thing he could do right now. Only the two of them and the music. He could actually be sixteen again, dancing in a club, being free from all worries. She gave him this feeling and he enjoyed it. When the next song began they continued to dance, embracing each other because it was a ballad, and none of it felt wrong.

[artificialqueens]

(treat me nice) never let me go [branjie] 8/15 - pinkgrapefruit

chapter 8. don’t make me spell it out for you

previous chapters  1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

A/N -

look i know it’s been 4 months but i promise you it will be less next time…. i swear <3

let me know what you think!

*

Freshly cut grass and expensive champagne fill Vanessa’s nostrils as she tries to daintily walk through the field. She’s got one soft hand in Brooke Lynn’s own, fingers intertwined in a way she’s not quite ready to unpack yet, and the other hand is gripping tightly to wicker picnic basket Nina found for them - a red plaid blanket carefully tucked through the handles.

With Vanessa in her - almost vintage style - skater dress, and Brooke in a white shirt - sleeves rolled, and a pair of blue skinny jeans, they look like an idyllic couple ready for a day at the races. Brooke had assured her back at the hotel that it is the least formal day, and she can’t help but pray she is right.

As they get closer, Vanessa can hear the noise of the announcer filtering through the general hubbub of tipsy twenty and thirty-somethings, and it makes her stop in her tracks, eyes transfixed on the crowds. She drops Brooke’s hand.

“What if someone recognises me,” she asks, voice hard to hear above the ever-rising din. Brooke gives her a soft, but reassuring smile, coming to stand in front of her, arms winding around her waist, gently holding her.

“I assure you they have not spent that much time in Olympic.” Vanessa gives a chuckle at the sentiment but refuses to relax into Brooke’s grip.

“You did.”

Brooke rolls her eyes good-naturedly, picking Vanessa’s hand up again and giving it a gentle tug. “Alright, You look great. You look like a lady.” Vanessa scrunches up her nose. “You’re gonna have a wonderful time, let’s go.” She lets herself live in the way their fingers interlock for a few more seconds.

“Alright, Miss Brooke Lynn.” She allows herself to be pulled towards the crowd, and when she is - she can’t turn back.

*

They walk through the stalls and tents arm in arm, gently muttering snarky comments to each other under their breath. The races had never been Brooke’s favourite when she was a young upstart, but as she’s grown up and into her job, she found them valuable for networking and just enjoying herself.

They’ve just found a good spot to set up when Ru wanders over to them, already gunning for Brooke. The blonde just sighs heavily, visibly straightening her back and transforming in front of Vanessa’s eyes.

“Vanessa, I want you to meet my boss - RuPaul Andre Charles.” She offers her hand out as demurely as she can and he kisses it softly. She has to inhale sharply to stop herself recoiling at the action - it feels so wrong to her.

“It’s always a pleasure to meet one of Brooke’s girls,” Ru smiles. Brooke watches the encounter with a vacant look in her eyes as if she’s watching something that isn’t really there.

“Let me get you ladies a drink, champagne, Vanessa?” She nods, and, to her relief, he leaves. She leans closer to Brooke just to feel something that isn’t the cold breeze that follows Ru wherever he goes.

“Real genuine guy,” she jokes, but she still feels unsettlingly open and unguarded.

“Mhm,” Brooke agrees, placing each hand on Vanessa’s waist and coming to stand behind her so she can place her chin on her shoulder.

“I can see why you needed me.” This gets Brooke to crack a smile and if Vanessa turned around she’s pretty sure she’d be able to see the woman’s shoulders come back down from her ears.

*

They relax in their bubble for a few minutes more, just watching the world move around them, before they spot Ru coming back their way. Brooke sighs.

She smiles at the brunette, squeezing her hand once before pointing at two innocuous looking women. “That’s Nicky and Gigi, they’ve made marrying an art form - they’ll keep you entertained for a few minutes,” She states plainly in a tone that suggests this is not the time to argue.

Vanessa just nods her head, pressing her lips softly to Brooke’s cheek to try and convey a level of ‘togetherness’ and starts to walk over to the women who are giggling behind their gloved hands. She smoothes her skirt in preparation, bare hands gliding down the pale blue of her dress.

“Hello,” she starts, pulling the facade of confidence she uses while escorting onto her face with practiced ease. “Vanessa,” She sticks out her hand firmly and shakes in the way Nina so painstakingly taught her to. `

“Gigi,” offers the taller brunette as the blonde introduces herself as Nicky.

“So you’re ze flavour of ze month,” Nicky muses, her french accent more pronounced as she blends her ‘th’ sounds in a way that sounds much softer than you would expect coming out of such a demure looking woman.

Gigi raises a perfectly sculpted eyebrow in response adding, “she’s just being testy,” to try and soften the blow. “Brooke Lynn is our most eligible bachelorette,” she explains, “She refuses any hand thrown her way.” And Vanessa has to fight the urge to snort a laugh a how nineteen-twenties it all sounds.

“Well, I’m not offering my hand, don’t worry. I’m just using her for sex.” Nicky tries to look scandalised at Vanessa’s admission, but it falls short and ends up bemused. “It’s mutual.” She tacks on the end, although she’s not sure it helps anything.

She’s about to start panicking about how she’ll deal with another half an hour of this when Yvie rides up beside them. She’s on her horse and suddenly Vanessa remembers something about the woman being a polo player, and she’s infinitely grateful for sitting through that dinner if it’s a means of escape.

“Yvangeline Oddly,” she introduces herself to the women Vanessa stands between, and she hears the gasps, further securing her suspicions that she knows nothing. Yvie looks at her and smiles. “Vanessa, lovely to see you again.” Her eyes are open and calm and Vanessa would rather spend a month with her than another five minutes with the demon housewives she’s been left with, so when Yvie asks if she will entertain her for a little while, Vanessa gladly agrees and ambles over to the stables where Yvie dismounts.

“Were you watching the Polo?” Yvie asks as she busies herself with removing the saddle and reins.

“What else would I be doing here?” Vanessa bats back, feeling an easy confidence she hasn’t felt in a few days. She’s strangely comfortable and she’s yet to discern why.

“Judging by many of the Lawyer wives - drinking heavily and trying to forget,” Yvie replies, and she’s smirking when she meets Vanessa’s eyes.  

*

“So who is she?” Ru asks - not trying to hide his judgement. Brooke rolls her eyes and leans back on her hand, the other gripping the stem of her champagne glass in a way that’s turning her knuckles white.

“I was asking for directions and there she was,” she explains, but she doesn’t quite get the air of finality right, and Ru nudges her to go on.

“What does she do? Does she work?” he asks like she’s under investigation.

“She’s in sales,” Brook mumbles into her glass, cursing herself for not thinking of this sooner.

“Sales, That’s terrific. That’s good. What does she sell?”

“Why do you want to know?” Brooke sounds exasperated and she can’t help it. She’s used to being cross-examined, but usually, Ru trusts her judgement enough to let her off once she’s answered the cursory questions.

“Just hear me out,” Ru starts and Brooke has to refrain from rolling her eyes a third time, hears her mother’s old saying in the back of her mind and keeps her eyes trained straight ahead. “I know you, Brooke, I hired you, for god’s sake. And you’ve been different this week - and I can’t help but feel like this girl is why.” He’s right, of course, he is, but she can’t let him know that. She feels an innate urge to protect Vanessa and she plans to act on it. “Especially when I see her talking to Yvie Oddly-”

“I introduced them at dinner the other night, so what?” Brooke cuts him off, tense.

“And now they’re best friends?” She lets her eyes find the stables and watches as Vanessa laughs with Yvie over her horse. She drops a strawberry into her mouth and uses her chipped thumbnail to wipe the juice from her chin. She has to pull her eyes away. “This girl appears out of nowhere. Now she’s talking to a girl whose company we’re trying to buy out. Convenient, don’t you think?”

“You sound paranoid, Ru.” She’s gone from tense to cold now, and she doesn’t care.

“How do you know that girl hasn’t attached herself to you, so she can bring information back to the Cains?” Brooke scoffs and it makes Ru more and more enraged until she can see his neck flush a muted scarlet. “This happens, Brooke Lynn. Industrial Espionage.”

“Ru.” She stops him dead in his tracks and he faces her properly. “Listen to me, she’s not a spy.” And Brooke prays to the heavens he will just leave it but he does not.

“What?”

“She’s not a spy, she’s a fucking hooker.”

His face twists and changes until he’s laughing, body fully shaking as he wipes a tear from under his eye. “Oh, she’s a hooker.” She watches as he drags his eyes up her body, even from afar and she wants to punch him.

“I picked her up on Olympia. In your car.” She is exhausted, hands raking through her hair as she pulls it out of its perfect ponytail.                              

“You’re the only millionaire I ever heard of… who goes looking for a bargain-basement streetwalker, you know?”

“She’s…. I’m sorry I told you.” Brooke bites her lip, teeth indenting into the cherry paint. Fuck.

*

Vanessa bids Yvie a good day as the latter prepares for her second event of the afternoon. She’s all prepared to go back to Brooke when Ru stops her - a large hand on her shoulder.

“Are you having a good day, Vanessa?” He asks and his voice sounds strained. She nods, affirming she is, before letting him continue. “It’s very different from Olympia, isn’t it?”

“What?” she lets out - not nearly as loud as she intended, but just as shocked. She gulps back the sudden urge to vomit on his very nice shoes and stands up tall. “What?” she asks again.

“Brooke told me, but don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.” He goes to walk away but turns around after only three feet. “And after all this is over maybe you can show me your skills.” He winks and he is gone.

She gapes as he leaves, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water as her brain flicks through every possible thing this could mean but she cannot find a single response.

Not one.