#i have parts of the lyrics carved into my thigh

[sweetestofchaos]

you can stay | l.fl x reader

Emotion's running high My hands planted on your thighs You feel me going up and down And round and round and round

❅ felix x reader

❅ prompt: “I’ve decided we’re not leaving this bed.” “Okay but, what if I get hungry?” “Well, I’d feed you, then take you back to bed with me. Does that sound alright?”

❅ wc: 1k (90 words over)

❅ warnings: fluff - smut - kissing - dirty talk - pet name (doll) - riding - needy/whiny Felix - unprotected sex - romeo & juliet reference

❅ a/n: written for Merry Chaosdays 1K Follower Event, requested by @jjungkookislife. B!!! thank you for keeping me busy. I have enjoyed your requests so much. I hope you enjoy this new year and thank you for being a friend! also, please excuse my poor attempt at humor...i'm bad at it lol

❅ lyrics from makin' good love by avant

❅ fuzzy line, bows, mdni and support dividers made by @benkeibear

❅ send in your own requests here

It was late. A little after midnight when your phone chimed and lit up the darkness of your room. You had just turned off your laptop for the night and decided to head to bed but the chime was set for only one person. You couldn’t ignore a text from your loving boyfriend knowingly before bed. Rolling over to your side, you reached out and grabbed your phone from the nightstand beside you. As you lifted the phone, the screen lit up and you cursed as the brightness blinded you for a moment. Blinking a few times, you read the message.

Lix: U up?

You rolled your eyes and tapped the notification before you responded to his text, letting him know that you just got into bed.

Lix: Look out the window?

You raised an eyebrow at how quickly he texted you back. You were sure that Felix was out of town at an award show. Sighing, you glanced at the window in your room. You have a great view of the town you lived in and you could see rooftops all covered in snow. You shivered at the thought of the cold. You really didn’t want to get out of bed and you told Felix as much.

Lix: Please 🥺

Huffing you climbed out of bed and whined as your feet touched the plush carpet and not your house slippers. You must have left them over at your desk. Standing, you grabbed your phone and clutched it to your chest as you made your way over to the window. Peaking out, you saw nothing, just the vast whiteness of the snow and the large tree from your childhood that stood proud in the yard. You squinted and looked around, in the middle of your lawn, you saw something that wasn’t there before. A heart was carved into the snow and it made you smile for a second before you clicked your tongue. Pushing open the window, you hung halfway out as you scanned your yard.

“Ya! Get in the window, crazy!”

You looked right below your window and your eyes widened. Standing there in all his glory was your boyfriend, Felix. He looked like a prince with how he was dressed. A cream, white and gold outfit with a matching jacket thrown over his shoulders. His blond hair was parted down the middle and tucked behind his ears while his long bangs framed his face.

“O Felix, Felix! Wherefore art thou Felix?”

You heard his snickering from down below and giggled to yourself.

“Deny thy father and refuse thy name;

Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,

And I’ll no longer be a commoner.”

“Oi!” Felix shouted as you stared down at him from above. “I am in love with such a commoner!” 

You watched unblinking as Felix started to scale the tree out front of your window. It was something he had done a million times before but you never saw him do it while dressed so nicely or in the snow. As he reached the tree branch that hung close to your window, Felix grinned as he sat on top of it.

“Fair maiden, are you gonna let me in or naur?” 

You backed away from the window and held your breath and Felix climbed into your room. The moment his shoes touched the floor, the snow started to melt and form a small puddle on the floor. Felix shook his head, water droplets from the snow flying everywhere. You screamed and Felix giggled before he took his shoes and jacket off. You quickly closed the window and turned to face Felix with your arms crossed over your chest. Now standing before you in his socks, Felix wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you close; his eyelashes dark against his beautiful freckles. 

“Hey, love.”

Warmth sank into your heart as Felix rested his forehead against yours and stared into your eyes. You unfolded your arms and draped them over his shoulders, how could you ever be mad at this man? Felix grinned and brushed his nose lightly against yours before his lips captured yours in a tender kiss. Your hands found their way to his hair and Felix groaned as you pulled at his roots, taking steps backwards towards your bed. Layer after layer was peeled from Felix and your body. Your breath came out in pants, warm and hot as Felix’s fingers dug into your skin and held you close.

Felix let you push him onto the bed, his member flushed and hard against his stomach. He licked his lips and moaned as he watched you crawl onto the bed, your eyes darkened by the need to have him underneath you. Straddling his lap, you teased the head of his leaking cock, rolling your hips and letting it slide between your wet folds.

“Oi, don’t be a tease now doll.” 

You smirked at Felix’s words and fisted the base of his cock, holding him in place as you sunk down.

“Fuuuuck!” Felix’s moan vibrated underneath you and his hands started to rub up and down your thighs, gripping your ass and squeezing your hips. “Look so pretty riding me.” He hissed as your walls tightened around him and threw his head back into the pillows. So much of his neck was exposed and your mouth started to water. What a nice canvas to work with. Leaning forward, you nipped at Felix’s throat and he smacked your ass in warning. You knew better than to leave visible marks, but it still was fun to tease him.

“I’ve decided we’re not leaving this bed.” You whispered in his ear, taking the lob between your teeth lightly.

Felix shuttered and turned his head to look at you with wide eyes. His face was flushed, his chest heaving as he tried to understand your words. Giggling, you pressed a sweet kiss to his lip and started to bounce on his dick.

“O-Okay but, what if -” Felix whimpered as your nails sunk into the skin of his chest. “I-I get hungry?”

The question caught you off guard and you stopped moving. Felix blinked up at you with wet eyes and you cooed, stroking his face with the back of your hand.  “Well…” You tap your chin in mock thought. “I’d feed you, then take you back to bed with me. Does that sound alright?”

Felix nodded his head quickly and pulled you into a heated kiss, “Yes, doll. Sounds good. N-Now fuck yourself on my cock.”

[mercnotfound]

~ I Think I'm Okay ~

Music Producer!Ellie Williams x OC

I Think I’m Okay {Part 1}

Music Producer!Ellie Williams x OC

Word count; 2.09k

{angry!Ellie, she's so irritable it's funny, addict!Ellie, hurt/comfort, both of them just need to heal}

Ellie is a successful music producer who is in a slump, carving her way through a hundred and one different highs to try and find her next hit, until she meets her.

Ellie groaned, squeezing her eyes shut as harsh sunlight tried to force its way between her eyelids and poke at her aching brain. You’d think she’d be used to hangovers by now, what with having them every other day (it was either a hangover or a come-down). But yet here she was, flat on her stomach pushing her face into the pillow and dreading the day ahead, even with the knowledge that her morning hit would make things a little easier.

She was lacking inspiration these days, and Jesse was on her back about a new track that was due in a week that Ellie hadn’t even begun composing a beat for, let alone lyrics. 

She groaned again and rolled over, her t-shirt riding up a little, making goose bumps rise along her skin. She glanced to her left and saw her phone flashing, so leant over to pick it up.

The screen was flooded with texts from Jesse asking where she was, and Ellie sat up sharply in bed as she realised she was thirty minutes late. Her head exploded in pain at the sudden movement and she felt a sudden bout of nausea wash over her. 

Ellie sent a quick text to Jesse saying she’d just woken up and would be there soon, then set her phone back down and wearily got out of bed.

After downing a glass of water and aspirin, Ellie walked into the living room, stepping over empty takeout boxes, cans and bottles of cheap alcohol and dirty clothes to the dresser under the window. She pulled open the top drawer and picked out a pre-rolled joint and a lighter, then slammed the drawer shut and lit the joint as she walked back to her bedroom to get dressed.

She balanced it on her bedside table as she pulled a ratty black band-tee over her head, then keenly returned it to her lips and took a long drag, then pulled on her baggy jeans, carabiner thudding against her thigh.

Soon enough, the headache began lifting and she felt the heaviness on her shoulders ease a little. She lifted her eyebrows and sighed contentedly, then headed out the room and grabbed her keys off the hook, put on her boots and headed out.

***

“You stink.”

Ellie rolled her eyes, sitting back in her chair and spreading her legs wide to get comfy.

“Thanks, Jesse.”

“Did you smoke before you came?” Jesse asked, leaning over his notepad and barely sparing Ellie a glance as he scribbled away, seemingly not lacking inspiration like she was.

“S’breakfast.” Ellie said, sucking her teeth and glaring down at her own, empty notepad. After a moment, she noticed Jesse staring.

“Are you okay, Ellie?” 

Ellie blinked. “Yeah? Why?”

“You’re high like, every time I see you, Ellie. You haven’t finished a song in months and we barely see you anymore.” Jesse frowned, looking at Ellie as if he were trying to analyze her. Ellie hated that.

“I’m just busy Jesse.”

“Busy doing what? Not writing songs that’s for sure.”

“Oh, screw you Jesse. I’m trying.”

Jesse held his hands up in mock surrender and shrugged. “Whatever, man. We’re just worried about you, that’s all. Dina keeps asking why you don’t come over anymore.”

“I’ll come over soon.” Ellie muttered, tapping her pencil on her notepad as she felt irritation begin to seep in. 

“Sure.” Jesse muttered before turning back to his notepad, an uncomfortable silence dropping around them. Ellie glanced at the time, seeing she’d been there for around a half hour and decided enough time had passed to excuse herself to her private studio without Jesse complaining too much.

“I’m gonna go n’try fix up a couple beats in my studio. I’ll show you anything I’ve got after lunch.”

Jesse hummed in response and Ellie hastily grabbed her things and left, heading straight to the elevator, having to do the awkward half-run-half-walk to get in as someone inside held open the doors for her. He thanked them and pressed the button for her floor.

She stepped out moved to unlock the studio door, pressing her hip against the doorframe as she didn’t bother to unhook the key from her carabiner. She dropped down into her desk chair and glanced at her watch.

“Alright Ellie, two hours. Let’s do this.” She cracked her knuckles and set to work.

<3

It was pitch black out by the time Ellie arrived back at her apartment. The two hours she’d allocated herself turned into three, then four, then Jesse dragged her out for lunch and forced a half a burger and fries down her as she showed him the feeble beats she’d come up with in those four hours. She watched Jesse gently give critique, and cringed as her friend searched for something positive to say, then shut herself back in the studio for another seven hours.

Now though, she was home, and her body was aching for a hit of something. She’d downed a bottle of beer she kept in the studio's mini fridge, but it had only temporarily taken the edge off. 

She needed something stronger.

Success came at a price, afterall, and no matter how many times Jesse told her they’d “made it” now that their work was in high demand, she always wanted to go higher.

She couldn’t sleep because that was a waste of time, so she took things to keep her awake and inspired, then, when her body was all but half-dead, she took something to send her to sleep. Then she woke up and the cycle started again. Ellie wasn’t addicted - she could stop whenever she wanted - but she hadn’t made it yet, and until she did, this was necessary.

As soon as the door was shut behind her she headed to the dresser in her living room, getting down on her knees and opening the bottom draw, which appeared empty. Carefully, she lifted the bottom of the drawer from the edge and revealed the secret compartment beneath, containing a small pile of plastic baggies and an old credit card. She pulled one of the baggies out and restored the drawer, then went and sat on the couch, leaning forward over the coffee table. 

Ellie poured the white contents of the baggie out onto the table and picked up the credit card, then began to divide the substance into small, thin lines. Soon enough she was done, and she rolled her shoulders back before plugging her right nostril, leaning down and snorting the first line.

Her mind exploded in a haze of white for a second, before dulling down, numbing her a little. She bent down and snorted another line, then another and finally the last, then sat back and felt herself getting number and number, like a bunch of harsh edges being slowly rounded off, becoming softer and softer. 

She felt her eyelids getting heavy and groaned.

“No, s’not supposed to do that.” She muttered, feeling her head lul to the side as a comfortable warmth settled over her. Ellie tried to fight it off, but soon enough, her eyes were drifting shut, and she was asleep.

<3

Ellie woke abruptly to a loud banging. She sat up, blinking dazedly as she remembered why she was asleep in the first place, then winced as she felt the aching in her head and muscles kick in. 

The banging hadn’t stopped, it was constant and as Ellie listened harder she realised it was the front door. She sighed, then glanced at the clock on the wall to see it was 3am, and frowned as she wondered who it could be.

She stood up slowly, and walked to the door on stiff legs as the banging continued at a rapid and constant rate. With each step she could feel her temper rising and as she reached the door and gripped the handle the last feelings of sleepiness faded away, and Ellie scowled as she swung the door open.

Standing with her fist raised, poised to thump the door again, was a girl presumably around Ellies age. She had long curly hair, dishevelled and tucked messily behind one of her ears, was a head shorter than Ellie and wore a large jumper that almost swallowed her whole. Upon closer inspection Ellie noticed her eyes were red-raw and watery and the skin on her face blotchy.

“What the fuck?” Ellie muttered, her confusion taking over the irritation as the other girl lowered her fist and took a glance behind her before shoving Ellie out the way and walking into her apartment.

“Hey, what-”

“Shut the door.” The girl spoke in a soft voice that had a strange effect on Ellies breathing, and chewed her lip as she waited for Ellie to comply.

Ellie frowned, then stuck her head out the door and looked both ways down the hallway. Unsurprisingly, it was empty, the late time meaning most were in bed. Ellie was about to withdraw back into her apartment and ask at the girl to get the fuck out when she heard the elevator at the end of the hallway let out a soft ping. 

Ellie stuck her head back out, watching as the doors slid open and a man stepped out, dressed in a black hoodie that was drawn up and grey sweats, the ankles soaked dark with rainwater and mud. The man looked up, and Ellie saw his face was partially covered by the zipper of his jacket coming all the way to just uner his nose, leaving mainly his eyes visible under the dim flickering lights. They locked eyes and Ellie froze, her spine immediately going rigid and all alarm bells in her mind ringing.

She didn’t recognise the man, yet something in her was willing her to shut and lock the door, even with the stranger inside, moreso with the stranger inside, in fact. 

The moment the man stepped out of the elevator Ellie pulled back inside and slammed the door shut, sliding the extra lock into place that she normally neglected before turning the main lock and stepping back, staring at the door as if she expected it to be spontaneously blown off its hinges.

“Did he see me?” The stranger spoke from behind.

Ellie turned, staring dumbly at the girl as her still slightly white-flooded mind tried to catch up on the situation.

“Hello?” That voice again. Ellies breathing.

“He didn’t see you, he saw me though.”

The stranger nodded.

“Care to explain why the fuck you woke me up at 3am and barged into my apartment?” Ellie sighed, feeling a little irritation begin to crawl in but she was mainly tired now, her limbs feeling heavy and a headache growing behind her forehead.

“I had to get away from him, that guy.” The girl frowned, “Sorry I woke you…”

“Who was that? Did he hurt you?” Ellie gave the girl a once over, checking for any visible injuries.

“He’s… just an ex, an obsessive one. You know the type.” She shrugged. Ellie snorted.

“No, I don’t know the type.”

The girl shrugged again and then pulled her phone from her pocket, checking it and then slipping it away.

“Well, thanks for letting me in, I’ll go now.”

Ellie frowned. “Seriously? What if he’s still out there?” A thought crossed her mind and her heart jumped suddenly. “Did you call the cops?”

“No,” The girl laughed softly. “Don’t worry, your stash is safe. You’ve got a little something,” She flicked the tip of her own nose, grinning, “Just there.”

Ellie wiped her nose quickly and coughed awkwardly.

“Uh yeah.. Thanks.”

The stranger walked back over to the door, undoing the locks as Ellie just watched, dumbfounded and still confused.

“And I’ll be okay, a friend is on their way up, they’ll take me home. Thanks for your help…” She looked back expectantly.

“Ellie.” She found herself offering.

“Ellie. Thanks, Ellie.” The girl smiled, then in a blink had slipped out the door, leaving the apartment as silent as it was before.

“What the fuck?”

[mrsdesade]

1 character x 10 songs x 10 headcanons

The Corinthian (Sandman)

Songs that I think they might be perfect for Mr. Teeth for Eyes because of the lyrics or the vibes, I'm dropping here just because, maybe I can make you discovering new music? I also leave THE CORINTHIAN PLAYLIST I've created for him!

A Little Piece of Heaven - Avenged Sevenfold

Baby, don't cry.

You had my heart, at least for the most part. […]

Ripped her heart out right before her eyes.

Eyes over easy, eat it, eat it, eat it.

hc: The lyrics is self-explanatory I must say... the whole song is screaming his name and his love story with someone.

—————————

2. Bite - Derivakat

Allow me just one little bite.

Eternity is so rewarding. [...]

Darling, stay with me.

These fangs are my only proposal.

hc: After many years of bonding and sharing feelings, he propose to you to share the eternity, trying to convince you to come to the dark side of being a nightmare like him.

—————————

3. You and I - Aryia

The story begins with a boy and a girl,

she loved the way he was stronger than her

But that sick little fuck, no, he didn't stop.

He took away her voice as she screamed NO!

A killers mind behind the face of God,

The devil's disguise is the great facade.

Mistake manipulation for a thing like love.

Started with a kiss but ends in blood.

hc: Ouch, you got the bad ending, he had fun with you, but the story ends in blood and ofc no one can help you against him. You trusted him, but he just played with your feeling.

—————————

4. JENNIFER'S BODY - Chris Grey, PLVTINUM & Dutch Melrose

She's out for revenge,

My baby she's out for revenge ah,

Her hands 'round my neck,

Fuck around and you might just be next.

I need to put my hands on Jennifer

Everybody runs away, but I run to her.

hc: You're deranged as him, that's what he likes about you. Sharing murders and crimes with his lovely half, what a dream for him. He loves watching and kissing you when you're covered in blood.

—————————

5. Love Me To Death - Nikki Idol

Love me to death, baby.

Until the end.

You're romantic, diabolic, hypnotic.

You do it so right baby , you make me cry.

We're fucking so hard that we might call this art.

It's like a movie.

Sex, liquor, roses.

hc: What can I say, that's the kind of song that he's gonna play when you two are alone at night in the comfort of your bed. His touch is that of a devil in love, delicate as velvet, warm as a supernova, suffocating as cigarette smoke.

—————————

6. Ride - Chris Gray

Lil baby wanna ride, in the backseat pull over the car.

No she don’t give a fuck if we’re caught,

Runnin’ my hand on her thigh.

She said “I’m all yours for the night”

She came for the ride.

Le'ts fell in love for just a night.

hc: This song is giving me city night vibes, the endless hours that you two have spent taking aimless road trip in his car, free and unregulated, always end with a night of passion. And he loves it so much, you've no idea.

—————————

7. MASOCHIST - Ellise

It's bitter and sweet, oh, he's pretty and mean […]

My baby's a freak, yeah.

And I'm a masochist.

I'm stuck in his teeth, yeah.

There's poison on his lips, 'cause the bad ones love you better.

hc: Impossible not to fall for him, you accepted being his property and somehow saved your life... what you don't say is that you're having maybe too much fun in this dangerous situation.

—————————

8. Eat your Young - Hozier

I'm starving, darling,

Let me put my lips to something,

Let me wrap my teeth around the world,

Start carving, darling.

hc: Quite obvious as a choice, but the text speaks for itself. In a courtship he would be really sly, he would make you feel extremely flattered and desired, the outcome will then depend on how interesting you can be for him.

—————————

9. DANCE! Till We Die - 6arelyhuman

I wanna dance until we die, bitch I'm blinded by the lights

Yeah we do this every night!

Swear to God, I'm living fast, but everything movin' slow.

Wanna lock into my eyes, see the Devil, that's inside.

hc: He can hunts victims also in nightclubs, because he find it fun, and this song takes me back to scenes like that. Imagine dancing with him in the disco lights and being unaware that you are so close to the most dangerous predator in the city.

—————————

10. Mary on a Cross - Ghost

We were searching for reasons.

To play by the rules,

But we quickly found,

It was just for fools.

[…]

Your beauty never ever scared me.

hc: Predictably I couldn't leave this song out, the final phrase makes me weak for happy ending with him. When you discovered the secret behind his glasses, instead of running away you stopped to observe better, with sincere curiosity, caressing his cheeks in a caring way.

That's all for now! Hope you enjoyed! Feel free to suggest more characters, when I'm done with my comfort characters I'll be delighted to please you with music about yours 🤍

[auranunderscore]

while im at it posting demos, here's a Long Song im working on about a kinda shitty co-dependent longterm situationship i ended in with someone that ended because of her getting in a monogamous relationship with a girl she met on 4chan

i dont have a beginning yet. also this demo is just voice and guitar...

lyrics:

[part 2]

you bled for me and i was so grateful when i wanted to you told me to be careful but none of that seems to matter anymore i told you i was hurt and you shut the door

we were never a thing like we wanted to be at least one of us now is no longer lonely i confess that i wish that i could fly then i'd crash into your arms and slowly die

i would rip out my eyes just to feel your embrace i would give everything up for just a little taste i've grown so attached after so many nights and i longed for you to ruin my life

SO FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR TALL EMO GIRLFRIEND I'M SHITTY, I'M JEALOUS, I WANNA DRINK TO FORGET I WANNA PUKE ALL OVER THE GODDAMN FLOOR THEN CUM IN MY WOUNDS WHILE THEY'RE STILL SORE

MAYBE I'LL FIND A CHASER TO CHOKE ME OUT CALL ME A SISSY BITCH AND WITHOUT A DOUBT HE'D BITE MY THIGHS WHILE I'M ALL DRUGGED UP AND CARVE HIS NAME IN ME, I'D BE SO FUCKED

(FREE ME FROM THIS EARTH, FREE ME FROM MY FEELINGS) (I WANNA TRANSCEND, DON'T WANNA BE HUMAN) (I WANNA BE DETATCHED FROM REALITY) (TO THE POINT WHERE DEATH WOULD BE RELIEF)

[part 3]

why is everyone that i ever loved so far away, makes me wanna give up i'm not stable with no one to hold and i feel my life forever unfold

we wanted to be something special we wanted to see where our life goes we wanted to be like the couples in comics the queer furry ones about death, drugs and vomit

we couldn't be there we couldn't stay there we couldn't move on could we be inhuman?

maybe i could sell all my cheap shit and save up work my ass off at a minimum wage job fly to seattle then make the drive just to see your face, just to say goodbye

i wish you well, i wish you're fine i think you'll do great things in life … i just wish that i could be part of it

[part 4] - 4/4

baby do you love me? i don't even love me baby look above me baby please don't shove me baby if you spoon me i will let you moon me baby if you suck me i will let you fuck me

[jjpmoans]

t’aimer sans cesse

↦ song: Hesitate from Eyes On You 

↦ lyrics: 'Yes, you, why are you making me this confused?/ I don't get you any more' 

↦ word count : 9k+

↦ genre : roommates to lovers

↦ warnings : fluffs, angst if you squint really hard

↦ summary : Park Jinyoung. You. Jeong Jaehyun. As complicated as it seems, you’d be honest when you said, you didn’t expect to be involved in this whole love triangle. Have you been missing signals or have he been sending you absolutely invisible signals? Is your radar broken? How have you not know? How have you been so dense? How long have you been foolishly hurting him?

↦ a/n : Hey everyone! I’m back with a new fic! I’m soo sorry it’s been a drought here on my blog. But i’m back and looks like Mr Jeong is joining us this time~ Anyways, this fic is written for the GOT7 Alive Fest on twitter and if anyone is interested, go check it out on @/GOT7_Alive_2020. They have both artists and writers joining the fest! Most of them post on ao3 and I am probably the only one who post on tumblr. Nevermind that, I hope you love the fic! Thank you for reading!

Morning classes are by far, the most hated part of your schedule. You don’t like waking up early, which explains why you’re not a morning person. You don’t remember when was the last time you met the morning birds and the sunrise since you usually wake up after ten in the morning and the sun is already up. You missed the chirping and the first ray of the morning but you’d trade anything for sleep at the moment. 

“Jinyoung.” you groan when you feel a finger poking your cheek and pinching it. You know it’s him, who else is patient to wake you up? Bambam and Yugyeom have long given up trying to wake you since you refused all their advances, even coaxing you with food. “I don’t want to wake up.”

You heard a few rustling and you exhaled in relief. Perhaps Jinyoung will let you off the hook and let you sleep this once. You don’t have that many morning classes, to be honest. You only have one, and that’s on every Tuesday. Usually you wake up and sign the attendance then go back to sleep since you had online learning for this semester, but since the situation has toned down and the university has reopened, today marks the first day of on-site class. 

“Hey, sleepyhead.” you hear his voice and a few seconds later, you feel your face getting wet and his palm softly applying cold water all over your face. Another dip into the basin and he returns his palm to your face with another round of wiping the cold water all over your face which he carefully presses it on your eyelids. “Wake up. You have class at nine.”

You grumble, turning away from him to continue sleeping but at this moment, you’re almost wide awake after he technically washes your face for you. You can hear Jinyoung chuckling and you’re positive now that he has successfully woken you up. “Urgh. I hate how you wake me up easily.”

“Not my fault that I’m an expert.” he laughs upon seeing you getting out of his bed and into the bathroom. “Hurry up. I’m taking you to breakfast.”

“For what?” you appear again with your toothbrush inside your mouth. 

“To eat, you dummy. Your class ends at eleven and you’d be starving by then.” he picks a book out of your shared bookshelf, flipping it to the page he left before. “Hurry up! I’m giving you ten minutes!”

You stare in disbelief at him and when he sees you’re unmoved, he throws you one of your small pillows to get you moving. “Tik tok, y/n! Move fast!”

“I can’t believe you shove me into the bathroom.” you frown when Jinyoung just laugh at your complaint. He indeed shoved you into the shower after you’ve been standing for too long while brushing your teeth. “We aren’t even late!”

“You’ll thank me later.” Jinyoung grins, walking into the busy cafe. People are getting their first coffee supply of the day and so do you. Jinyoung and you are both coffee people, it just made sense to start the day with a cup of iced Americano.

As usual, Jinyoung will queue up so you can find a seat for both of you while waiting. It’s easy to catch a spot in the cafe during the morning since most people pack to-go breakfast. So you carefully choose a table for two, a bit far from the counter and hidden from the excessive sun exposure but still be able to see people entering the cafe. 

It’s just an unconscious habit of yours, to watch whoever that passes through the door. It’s just amusing to you how most people fall into the same time schedule, about fifty people probably have the same class to attend and twenty seven of them need coffee before class. 

“Here.” a tray of drinks and food appears before you, you make space for Jinyoung to place the drinks out of the tray and put the tray away. It’s so obvious which one of the food is yours and which one is Jinyoung’s. He prefers to have croissants for breakfast while you prefer egg sandwiches since you’ll be fuller and can last until lunch time. “Saw anyone you know?”

You shake your head before taking a big bite of your sandwich, munching them happily. The man before you just laugh at your behaviour, fifteen minutes ago you were wrestling with him to get into the shower and now you’re just behaving like a child, eating her breakfast with joy.

He sees the corner of your lips smudged with the mayo and his heart skips a beat, wondering how can you be so adorable being so messy. He can’t stand someone munching loudly but here he is, watching the corner of your lips moving and the sauce is still there. So he extends his hand, wiping your lips and retracts to lick his thumb back, before going back to eat his own croissant.

You didn’t mind, it’s not actually out of the ordinary. Jinyoung smiles, knowing how comfortable you are with him. Sometimes he wishes you don’t, because right now he just wanted to let you know how badly he’s in love with you. 

But of course he can’t. As best friends, he can’t. His feelings aren’t worth the awkward encounters or the cold treatment you’ll be giving him once you learn that he’s in love with you. 

“Alright so for the assignment partners,” your professor announces, indicating the class is ending in ten minutes. During the quarantine, he has decided that all assignments will be graded individually since the quarantine was expected to run longer. However with the on-site classes coming to life again, he wanted to make the last assignment graded in partners, so that he can actually provide better materials for the lecturers audit session. 

You heard your name being called and you swear your breath hitches when another name follows yours, loud and clear. “Jeong Jaehyun.”

“Oh my god.” your friend next to you gasps, utterly speechless at revelation of your partner. You as well, are shocked and completely blank out. “Oh my god. You got the golden boy.”

“Oh my god.” repeating the phrase over and over again, your friend taps you multiple times and you feel your throat dried. One of the reasons why she’s so excited is because you’ve developed a crush towards the golden boy from the start of the semester and she knows. She, who goes by the name Mina, is your only friend from the same course.  However it was short lived since you only got three classes with him and the quarantine started. Either way, you’ve completely forgotten about your crush until he was brought up again, 

You took Mathematics as an elective just because you thought it was fun and you wanted to try it. Jinyoung couldn’t make it, Psychology students are always packed and you, as the Language student, have too much time to spare.

“Mina. this is insane.” you are having a minor breakdown and Mina isn’t helping, squealing when she sees Jaehyun walking over towards your seat, nudging you not so subtly. “My lord, don’t nudge me like that-”

He stops in front of you and for a second you forget how to breathe, extremely mesmerized by his presence. Here’s why he’s the golden boy.

You knew from a classmate that he comes from the Engineering faculty, taking Mathematics as one of his complementary subjects in order to fulfill his credit hours requirement for this semester. It’s a given that he excels in mathematics as he’s an engineering student but his other achievements make him even more dreamy and absolutely golden. 

Jaehyun is also very popular in sports, he’s one of the baseball club players, the one and only sport club that is making names for your university. It doesn’t need you to attend their matches to know how well he’s been playing. His fame makes up for it. They have been winning almost every match and well, he contributes about two third of the scores. Above all of that, he’s apparently a member of NCT frat, where every single member is magnificently handsome, carved and painted by god himself.

In short, he’s the standard boyfriend you’ll never get.

“Uhm.” okay he has a bit of a flaw — no, not a flaw. Despite how famous he is, he’s apparently an introvert. He gets shy quite easily, more reasons to like him. The tip of his ears will be red if he feels nervous or shy and you don’t know what is cuter than that. “Hey.”

You forgot how to talk just by looking at him. Never would you have thought you’d be able to talk to him, well given the situation and his social status, you have no doubt you’re out of his circle. It’s only when Mina secretly pinches your thigh that you manage to find your voice, clearing your throat to reply to him. “Hi. Sorry, I’ve been so rude. I’m y/n.”

He offers you a smile. Jeong Jaehyun offers you a smile. You can finally die in peace. “I know. I’ve heard a lot of things about you.”

Oh. What is this? How does he know about you? Scratch that, why would he know anything about you?

“Wha- what? Excuse me?”

He chuckles and Mina’s gasp is completely audible to your ears now, you have no idea if Jaehyun catches that. But you know he does, after all his ears won’t lie to him. “I know you. You’re Jinyoung’s girlfriend.”

Even nothing comes out from Mina, you know she’s laughing. Of course, your reputation is affiliated with Jinyoung. There isn’t any person on the campus who doesn’t know about you and Jinyoung. To say you’re Jinyoung’s best friend is absolutely underrated, so they upgraded your status to Jinyoung’s girlfriend. You’re so close to Jinyoung that it made a lot of his fangirls mad. Why? Because just like Jaehyun, Jinyoung is a member of a frat. 

GOT frat specifically.

Things got complicated and you got his fangirls harassing you to the extent of harming you in your own house during your first semester. After much consideration, Jinyoung figured that it is safer for you to stay with him instead. No one will be able to harm you in a frat house, mainly because he is there but also, his members are very protective of you too. 

Hence he got Jaebeom to go to the administration and arranged your residency exchange. You have no idea how Jaebeom managed to convince them since no girls are allowed to reside in an all boys frat. However he powered through and the news spread as fast as they could, making you officially Jinyoung’s girlfriend and off market.

“Lord, not this again.” you mutter quietly but goodness gracious of course he heard it. Jaehyun’s laughter resonates again and this time you decided to just fuck it. “Firstly no, I’m not Jinyoung’s girlfriend. I’m his best friend and I have no idea why people keep saying I’m his girlfriend.”

“Maybe because you act like a couple?” Jaehyun offers his thoughts. Probably it’s true, Jinyoung has a soft spot for you. Maybe because he feels sorry for what you’ve been through, however you don’t mind. You love when Jinyoung is being protective of you. It reminds you of how much he cared for you.

“Yeah. Nevermind that. Do you want to talk about the assignment?” you hate to ruin the moment but you figured he needed to go somewhere and you’re already holding him back. If you want to chit chat, you can do it when you meet for the assignment.

“Oh yes.” he quickly whips out his phone and scans the task given, quickly sliding his phone to your direction. “Okay so I’ve done question no 1 and just need you to look over them in case I did them wrong-”

He- what? He already did the assignment? Screw it, you’re in love with him already.

“So we just need to work on the second question.” he finishes his sentence and looks up to you, flashing his dimples away. Ah right, his deep dimples are exactly the reason why you’ve taken a liking in him. Whenever you have online classes, a strand of his luscious brown hair will naturally parted away from the others, his dimples showing up occasionally when he’s solving questions. Out of every single window on the screen, you’ve been intently watching his window, mesmerized by his good looking face. “I guess we can set the time and place for us to work on this?”

You unconsciously nod, before quickly snapping out of your thoughts. “Yeah, I’m actually fine anywhere. I’ll check my schedules and we can try to set any time for it?”

Jaehyun hums, hesitated before asking, “Will you be comfortable if we do it at my place?”

Another quiet squeal makes you roll your eyes, at this point Mina isn’t trying to be subtle anymore. Jaehyun has been laughing whenever she lets out any kind of noises, which embarrass you even more. “Wait- you mean NCT frat!?”

You can’t believe she just asked that. 

“Wow, y/n. Spare me some of your luck, please.” she tugs on your arms to which you shrug her off easily.

“Shut up.” you tell her before catching Jaehyun’s attention again. “I’m okay with NCT frat. I’ll text you before I come over?”

“Yeah,” he replies distractedly when his phone shows an incoming voice call, seeming important since he freaks out, whipping his head to the door. “Sorry, the boys are having some meeting and I need to go now.”

He hands you his phone, his dial pad showing up. “Put your number in. I’ll text you.”

If someone ever tells you that Jeong Jaehyun will offer his phone to get your number, even for an assignment, you’d definitely assume that they’re insane and tell them to stop giving you false hope. But now you’re filling your phone number in Jeong Jaehyun’s phone and it feels more like a dream than a reality.

Only when he’s out of the lecture hall that you’re able to breathe, accompanied by Mina’s never ending teasing. Lord, why are you being extra kind today?

Unknown Hey it’s Jaehyun :)

You almost drop your phone before making unrealistic noises, your heart jumping in joy. You don’t wish to disturb Jinyoung who’s studying at his table but this calls for celebration. 

“Oh my god!” you decided to let it loose and quickly dance in the middle of your room out of giddiness. Jeong Jaehyun has officially texted you and he’s waiting for you to reply. “Oh gosh oh gosh oh gosh!!”

Jinyoung stares at your dancing figure with an eyebrow raised, his pen in between his teeth. To say that your sudden dance abnormal is an understatement, he’s been watching you do even crazier and dumber things in the middle of the night during examination weeks but that’s out of stress. So he lets you cool down – not really since you’re still grinning while holding your phone. Definitely, something is wrong.

“Wait how do I reply-” you fumble with your keyboard, thinking of a proper sentence. It’s been three minutes since his text and it’s the perfect time to reply back. You have to act like you didn’t wait for him to reply.

Y/n Hi! Yeap, y/n here.

What do you say more? Did the meeting go well?

You contemplate writing another sentence when his reply comes in, startling you in the process.

Unknown Have you checked your schedule? What day are you free?

Y/n I did and I am free on monday and wednesday afternoon, then friday evening. Hbu?

Unknown Oh crap. I’m only free on wednesday evening 

Golden boy curses too? Oohh, hot.

Y/n Uh… I don’t mind doing it on the weekend? If you don’t have practise or anything.

Unknown Unfortunately [Sticker] I have baseball practice in the morning. But

Y/n But what

Unknown Can we make it at night? We can do the assignment in the next two weeks.  I have an upcoming submission and I’m fully booked this weekend. I’m sorry I promise you I’ll provide you snacks.

Y/n What am I? Five years old? [Sticker] I don’t mind. The due date is still far away.

Unknown Oh so you don’t want snacks?

Y/n Shut up. Give me McDonalds.

Unknown Deal. A princess will get what princess wants.

Your heart skips a beat. He calls you princess? From the first text? This sounds like a frat boy attitude. For a moment you laugh at yourself, of course he is. He’s technically a frat boy.

“Okay you’re creeping me out.” Jinyoung finally stands up from his study table and proceeds to sit on his bed. Your study table is next to his bed while his study table is at the foot of his bed. “You’ve been smiling creepily while texting. Who’re you texting with?”

You quickly reply to Jaehyun with a sticker and lock your phone, facing Jinyoung who’s still confused about what’s going on. You can’t handle this alone and you need to tell Jinyoung. If anything, Jinyoung is the first person that shall know.

“You know Jeong Jaehyun?”

He gives you an incredulous look, of course, who doesn’t know Jeong Jaehyun? One must be blind and deaf if they don’t know the golden boy. “Really? You’re asking me this now?”

You dismiss him immediately, moving to sit next to him on his bed. “He texted me.”

“He texted you?”

“Yes!” you almost screamed at him but hold back and throw yourself on his pillow, kicking the air. “We got partnered for an assignment and he texted me!”

Jinyoung is absolutely clueless because he stares at you again, confused. “So? Why are you so happy about it?”

“Oh god Jinyoung! You don’t understand!”

“Then tell me! And for god sake stop kicking already!”

You sit back up and watch Jinyoung carefully, before explaining, “Jinyoung. A handsome boy, from NCT frat texted me. And he’s not just any NCT member, he’s the golden boy. The standard boyfriend-you’ll-never-have. The Jeong Jaehyun.”

“And he texted me. And he calls me princess!” You watch Jinyoung’s face contorted with disgust and you push him away roughly. He would never understand. He’s not having a crush on Jaehyun.

“So what? I can call you princess too. What’s so special?” Jinyoung has now moved higher on the bed and his hands are crossed. This is why you need a girl best friend. When you have a boy best friend they are so dumb and they can’t understand this joy.

“Oh god. Because he’s so dreamy and I got a crush on him!” you lunge towards Jinyoung and shake him, forcing the information to sink inside his brain. “My crush just called me princess, can you believe it!!???”

“You have a crush on Jaehyun?”

“Urgh. You’re so slow.” you get up and reach for the door, yanking it open. “I’m going to Jackson. He’ll be more enthusiastic to listen to my story than you.”

You close the door and leave Jinyoung alone, stoned and unmoved on his bed.

You didn’t realise it but the previous sentence left Jinyoung speechless, sending him into a shock.

You like Jeong Jaehyun? Oh shit. Jinyoung is in a deep deep shit.

“Hi.” the door opens, revealing Johnny who looks like he’s been expecting you for a while. 

“Oh! Y/n!” he screams, well not screaming but definitely a higher octave than usual conversation tone. “Come in! Jaehyun told us that you’re coming over.”

Like you have agreed, Jaehyun invites you to come over two weeks after You enter the house, a fresh smell greeting you softly. The layout of the frat is just like yours, except that it is bigger, well to accommodate 21 people in one house. There’s only a few minor differences from your house, like how the kitchen and the living room looks extremely bigger.

You spot someone at the kitchen and you nod timidly, showing your respect in someone’s house. Lord, you feel overwhelmed.

“Who’s at the door- oh!” a high pitched tone yell from the fridge and you see Lucas hugging a jar of milk, probably taking it out. “Jaehyun hyung! Your pretty partner is here!”

You blush at the nickname, quickly trail behind Johnny who offers to send you to Jaehyun’s room. You agree, you can’t possibly manage to find his room by yourself. Actually, you take your words back. This house has a different layout than GOT’s frat, definitely you won’t trust yourself around here. One mistake and you’d probably end up in a room with at least three naked men.

“I have no idea why you’d yell, Lucas.” Johnny comments, ascending the stairs. “Jaehyun can’t even hear you.”

“I know. I just want to call her pretty.”

“Oh god.” your face reddens when Lucas continues to tease you that by the time you reach Jaehyun’s room, you’re as bright as a tomato.

“Heyyy you’re here- wow what happened? Why are you so red?” as soon as he opens his door, Jaehyun bends over to see your reddening face, scanning for any suspicious injury. Johnny however, starts laughing and he’s lucky you just met him today or else you’d already jab him with your fist. “Come one, Johnny. Who did this to her?”

“Lucas that kid. He’s teasing her all the way up the stairs.”

“Oh.” Jaehyun laughs as well, beckoning you to enter his room. “Shut that one up for me.”

“Aite, golden boy.”

You manage to tone down your redness after fanning it while watching Jaehyun’s minimally decorated room, all in black and white, three beds lining up next to each other, the study table at one corner and their closet at the other end. It’s a big room and with three people living in it, it still has spaces to work on the floor.

“Sorry if you find it messy.” Jaehyun rubs the back of his head sheepishly when you seated yourself on the floor, in front of the folding table that he has prepared. “I forced Jungwoo and Jeno to clean the room since you’re coming over.”

“So if you find anything suspicious, just ignore them okay?” you chuckle at his choice of words, as if you’d probably find something. The whole room looks clean, or so how it looks. You doubt you can find anything.

“I’m serious. I always find questionable things and you don’t want to know what they are.”

“Oh.” now that is something you didn’t think of. You know how they always hold parties and a lot of people come over, but you definitely didn’t think of that. “Okay now I’m afraid to move.”

Jaehyun lets out a hearty laugh, seating himself next to you comfortably. “Don’t worry. Nothing can harm you here.”

“Knock knock!” instead of knocking, Haechan chooses to enunciate the sound and in a split second he opens the door, posing at the door frame. “The delivery man is here and I’m not rich to pay for it.”

Jaehyun sighs as he pulls out his wallet, throwing it to Haechan. “Swipe it.”

You turn to Jaehyun, halting in your calculation. “Did you really order McDonalds?”

“I promised you.” he says softly, looking back at his own paper. “What my princess wants is what my princess gets.”

You swear the air suddenly gets hotter and Jaehyun turns super flirty since his first text. You kept texting back and forth, the awkward texts have long forgotten, now it’s always him asking you about your day and sending memes he found on the internet. 

“Are we flirting now?”

“Depends on how you define flirt.” he smiles and that damn dimples show up again, impossible making you even more giddy. “I’d say, I’m being me.”

“This is how you are?” you look at him up and down, giving him a disapproving look. “Do you flirt with every girl you meet?”

Jaehyun comes closer to you, looking at you straight in the eye. “I’ll have you know one thing.”

“I never bring any girl into the frat. Not even hookups.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t do hookups.”

“But I’m just an assignment partner.”

“Definitely not for me.”

You later learnt that Jaehyun has ordered every single meal on the menu because he doesn’t know what you like. You almost got tricked when you came downstairs and saw the food untouched when all the boys were practically circling the dining table but no one touched anything. It’s only after you picked your burger, fries and drink together with Jaehyun’s food that Haechan sprinted towards the table and started the food war with others.

“You just have to ask me, you know.” you tell him while he walks you home, smiling sheepishly while getting scolded. “You wasted a lot on the meals.”

“It’s not wasting.” he defends himself. “I let everyone eat the remaining. It’s not wasting.”

“Yeah, that’s one thing.”

The walk home is silent, a comforting silent. His house and yours is just a few houses apart but he still insists on sending you home. It feels so short because just in five minutes, you fall in step in front of your house. Tonight, you experience something new. You experience another set of happiness, surrounded by Jaehyun and his friends.

It’s different from being with Jinyoung and the boys, it just feels like it. With GOT frat, you feel like home while with NCT frat, you feel exhilarated.

“Hey.” you hear Jaehyun calls, making you turn to him. “I want to let you know that I enjoy talking to you.”

Your features soften, of course, you like talking to him too. “Same here, Jaehyun.”

He grins, walking backwards. “Talk to you later!”

“Good night pretty girl!” you shush him when he shouts a bit too loud. He laughs, running to his house while screaming the same sentence, absolutely madness. You love talking to him, perhaps a bit more than he does.

“Jinyoung.” he calls, trying to shake the said male into reality. However he gives no response, staring into space making Jaebeom sigh in frustration. “Stop making that face. It’s obvious enough that you’re jealous.”

“What face?” Jinyoung glares, putting his Americano cup down and exhales shakily. He knows what kind of face Jaebeom was referring to. His annoyed face. “I am not jealous.”

“Oh really? Geez, I would never know,” Jaebeom rolls his eyes sarcastically. If looks can slice, Jaehyun must have been slaughtered by the Jinyoung’s total concentration water breathing form and poof! He’d be a verified demon slayer. 

“Shut up.” It’s been an hour and you are still there, sitting at the table by the window, talking to Jaehyun. He has been eyeing you since you entered the cafe and was about to call for you but realised that a certain male has followed you after, seating both of you further from people. He’s not mad, no. He���s a tad bit sad. He doesn’t like this unsettling feeling and it hurts even more when he sees Jaehyun’s concentrated eyes gazing on you.

He knows that gaze. That’s just how he looks at you.

Ever since you first told him that Jaehyun texted you, something has changed. You start spending less and less time with him and more time with Jaehyun. You start waking early and rush downstairs, just to go on a morning walk with Jaehyun. At night when it’s supposed to be your time with Jinyoung, you’d spend it talking to Jaehyun, if not texting all night.

You haven’t realised it but Jinyoung is extremely jealous. 

He never had you that enthusiastic with him. You’re always you, nothing special you’d change just for Jinyoung. And the thought of it makes him sad, sad that he’s actually just a friend. 

“I think you should tell her, you know.” Jaebeom starts. Ever since you revealed that you had a crush on Jaehyun, Jinyoung has been constantly broken. It’s like you pressed a switch inside his brain and he malfunctioned himself. It’s rare to see Jinyoung acting out of character but this is what love does to people. It made you go insane. “What’s the point of torturing yourself watching the woman you love talking to another handsome man with heart shooting out of her eyes?”

“So you agree he’s handsome?”

“Jinyoung.” Jaebeom shakes his head exaggeratedly. “It’s Jeong Jaehyun we’re talking about. We all know that NCT house has some magic shit going around because every single member from that frat is drop dead hot and handsome. Now don’t avoid this. Tell her before it’s too late.”

Jinyoung has officially gone blank. He wanted to tell her, he really does. Jinyoung can’t count those nights where he has drawn a perfect plan in his mind, watching you sleep while mouthing unsaid words to you. He really wanted to tell you that he loves you. He had been in love with you for so long, he has forgotten when exactly he harboured his feelings for you. All he knows, one day he woke up and he felt his heart threatened to burst at the sight of you. 

However every single plan has its flaws and Jinyoung’s plan involves throwing your friendship into the mix. If only he’s not afraid to risk your friendship, he would have tried his damn luck. He would have confessed and he wouldn’t give any damn whether you’d be awkward or not. Things will be easier if he has no attachment. Yet, this attachment is the thinnest line he wouldn’t dare to cross.

“I can’t, Beom-ah.” he sounds helpless, the most helpless Jaebeom ever heard and they are childhood friends. He knew Jinyoung since they were eleven and nothing, nothing  ever broke Jinyoung this bad. Jinyoung is never a quitter but this time, Jaebeom sees him quitting. “I can’t risk our friendship, Jaebeom. I can’t. I can handle her fawning over someone else but I can’t afford being apart from her.”

Jinyoung is never helpless but somehow, he’s helpless when it comes to you.

“So you’re going to let her date Jaehyun?” Jaebeom, though his heart wrenches seeing Jinyoung so broken, he’s not going to let Jinyoung give up. “Because I’m telling you, Jinyoung. Jaehyun isn’t playing. We know how someone looks when they’re in love. I’ve seen it on you and believe me or not, I saw it on Jaehyun.”

Jinyoung has never been unconfident. He’s always that one student who is constantly positive that it will turn out well in the end. He believes that even if it’s bad now, it will be better soon. Beat him but now, he sees nothing like that. He can’t bring himself to think that if he confesses to you it will turn out good. That even if something happens, even if you distance yourself from him, you will be okay in the end.

Because it won’t.

“Tell her before it’s too late please.” half pleading, Jaebeom just can’t see his friend being this lost. “Tell her even if it risks your relationship.”

“What if I lose her?” he can’t answer that, of course Jaebeom can’t. It’s not his place to make an escape plan, it certainly is not his place to come up with your answer. But there’s one thing he is sure of.

“Then she certainly doesn’t deserve you.” 

“I need to talk to you.” Jinyoung starts, watching you focusing on your screen. Like always, you are grinning, probably laughing at some TikTok videos that Jaehyun sent you. 

“One second, Jinyoung.” you quickly type a reply and lock the phone, setting it face down. Another thing that has changed ever since you started talking to Jaehyun. Before, you had nothing to hide but now? Jinyoung doesn’t know you anymore.

You’re now totally focused on him, your eyes staring straight into his eyes but it’s different. It doesn’t feel the same. It feels like you’re someone else. You’re not his girl anymore. 

“Jinyoung?”

“Hm?” it’s bothering him how foreign his name comes out from you. It’s been a month and if he counts, you probably utter his name only twice a day. “Oh yes. The talk.”

You are sitting cross legged on your chair, waiting patiently for Jinyoung to start. You realised it too, that you’ve been spending less time with Jinyoung. You do feel sorry for him and you have an inkling that he wanted to talk to you about it. Jinyoung rarely needs to have a talk with you unless he feels bothered, and now you can see how bothered he is.

Taking a look at him, you suddenly feel your heart wrenches. How long have you stopped giving attention to Jinyoung? He has this frown on his face now, sometime you never see before. His hair is a bit longer and his hair colour is a lighter shade of brown. 

Who dyed his hair for him? After all, it must have not been you, since you’re busy hanging out with Jaehyun. But usually, you dyed his hair for him, saying you’re the only one who knows how to dye hair properly. Now that you look back, this concern is probably bigger than you expected.

You’ve abandoned your best friend and you knew about it but you did nothing.

“Uhm.” Jinyoung clears his throat, snapping you out of your trance. “I don’t think it’s like- like a big concern.”

“And you know I don’t like complaining either.” he stops, gulping nervously as he continues, “I just feel like we’re too far away.”

“I came home and we’re roommates but I can’t feel you here.”

“You’re so near yet so far.”

You know it will hurt. You know Jinyoung’s choice of words are already the softest he would have chosen, yet it stings. It reminds you of how ungrateful you are, leaving him for someone you have a crush on. He is telling you how he is sad, sad that he gets nothing like before. Your attention is now unavailable for him. It hurts him and now he’s projecting them in words.

Now it hurts you.

“I’m sorry if you feel like I’m demanding. But I just don’t know you anymore. I don’t know how you are, or what you ate for lunch. We’re drifting apart and it hurts me.” he continues as you stay silent, feeling the guilt eating you alive. “I know you have someone new…..yet is it so easy to leave me behind?”

Jinyoung is officially breaking apart. He feels like he’s childish, pouring his heart out but this is about him. This is him demanding you to be fair. He can’t stop you from liking Jaehyun, he can’t force you to love him back. He just wanted to remind you that he’s there. He’s there and please do something. 

“Jinyoung.” your voice cracks, slowly the tears fall on your cheek. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m so sorry I made you feel this way. I was too blinded by the newfound happiness and I forgot you. I forgot you who have constantly made me happy.”

“I’m so sorry.” you cried harder, reaching Jinyoung and hugging him. “I’m so sorry I made you feel this way.”

You feel his body shakes and you know he’s holding back from crying. You hated yourself for making Jinyoung cry. 

Jinyoung isn’t weak, no he isn’t. He’s been too strong that it breaks his limit. He wanted to let go. He wanted to let go for once and he’ll be fine. If nothing goes right after tonight, he’s done tolerating. 

A few quiet sobs and some awful jokes later, both of you are lying on Jinyoung’s bed, holding each other close. 

“Jinyoung.”

“Hm?”

“Can I sleep with you here tonight?” you ask Jinyoung, rubbing his arm. It’s been too long since you sleep in his bed and now you feel nostalgic. You’re overreacting but really, it feels too long. 

“I thought you’re going to talk to Jaehyun?” he teases, earning himself a slap on his chest. “Ow! What was that for?”

You laugh, settling yourself comfortably in his embrace. “Say Jinyoung.”

“Hm, what?”

“Do you approve Jaehyun?”

He looks down to you, questioning eyes boring into yours. You know it’s too soon, you know perhaps it’s not the best time to bring it up. But you just want to know his answer.

“For what?”

“To be my boyfriend.”

Jinyoung wakes up feeling empty, his eyes stare blankly at the ceiling. You’re still sleeping in his arm yet he has this unsettling feeling inside him. Recalling your last question before you sleep, he inhales a deep breath.

Will you be happy? Will his approval make you happy?

Jaehyun is a nice guy, Jinyoung knows that. Looks aside, he has full potential to be the best boyfriend for you. Jaehyun is caring and also when he loves, he’ll love you to the fullest. It’s not a problem to approve Jaehyun, he won’t hesitate if that’s the only case.

However it’s not.

Will Jinyoung be happy with his decision? It feels like the burden has increased tremendously, from jealousy to pain in just one night. It seems like the one month is just a trial for Jinyoung, now he needs to be prepared to lose you for good.

With his fingers raking your locks, he watches you sleep soundly. This is probably the last time he watches you sleeping in his embrace. This is probably the last time he’ll see you wake up in his arms.

Lord, can you help me stop the time?

“Nope.” 

“Jaebeom-”

“Nope. I won’t let you be as stupid as you are.”

Jinyoung lifts his eyebrows, offended by Jaebeom’s statement. He’s just offering a suggestion yet Jaebeom calls him dumb? “Hey! What do you mean as stupid as I am?”

“Jinyoung.” Jaebeom sighs exaggeratedly, holding Jinyoung’s shoulder in place. “When I told you tell her, I mean tell her your feelings your dumb ass. Not just telling her how you feel when she forgot about you!”

“I’m not a dumb ass.”

“Well you look like that to me now.” It’s another evening where you went over to Jaehyun place to finish the assignment and Jaebeom has no other way than to confront Jinyoung about how weird both of you have been.

Yes, both of you have been weird. Specifically, Jinyoung.

The morning you woke up in his embrace, you didn’t notice something was off. Probably because you forgot how it felt waking up with Jinyoung but definitely, Jinyoung was different. As if he had a switch in him, he started avoiding you, keeping your conversation minimal.

You thought it’s just you but one day Jackson asked you why you were both eating separately, one person at the other end of the table, then you realised that Jinyoung had avoided you. Yes, he made it subtle and you never noticed it until someone pointed it out.

Jinyoung still let you sleep with him and still woke you up like any other morning. He just doesn’t talk as much as he did before. And you brush it off, thinking it as another awkward change that you brought upon your friendship.

“You’re not a dumb ass?” Jaebeom asks. “Y/n has been at Jaehyun’s for hours and you’re still here, like a wife waiting for her cheater husband? Oh you’re just unable to think rationally.”

“Shut up. She’s not a cheater.”

Jaebeom had enough of these awkward encounters. It seems like none of you figured this thing out and he needs his lively frat back again. “Then I suggest you do something about y/n. It’s almost eleven and she’s not home yet.”

“Like what?” Jinyoung is now irritated. He doesn’t have any control over what you’re doing and even if he wants to, he can’t. “I’m not her boyfriend.”

“And Jaehyun is not her boyfriend either. So go get her.”

“What?”

“You heard me. As the house leader, I’m ordering you to get her ass from that NCT frat and bring her home.”

“She can come home by herself. Jaehyun will walk her home.”

“Park Jinyoung.” Jaebeom grits his teeth, pulling the said man towards the door and without hesitation, throws him out of the house. “Don’t let me put up ‘No Jaehyun is allowed’ in front of the door. Go fetch her home by 12. I mean it, Park.”

Then Jaebeom slams the door shut, locking it from inside. Though Jinyoung clearly has the key, he knows Jaebeom probably locked the door using the other lock instead. So he stood outside, leaning against the wall.

What is he going to do? Knock on NCT frat and ask for you? No shit he’s not going to look like a desperate man. 

But indeed, Jaebeom is right. Jaehyun is not your boyfriend either and he has a valid reason to be worried and to go get you at his house which is only five minutes away. Yeap, valid.

“I must have gone crazy.” Jinyoung mutters as he exits the compound and starts walking on the sidewalk in a painfully slow pace. “I must’ve looked crazy too.”

Five minutes turns fifteen, courtesy of Jinyoung walking around the neighbourhood and standing like a stool against the lamp post, contemplating whether he’s going to knock on the door or not.

“Well.” he sighs, walking up the NCT house and stands nervously in front of their door. “Aite, fuck this.” he knocks, slow at first but gradually the third knock is loud, followed by fourth and fifth. He did it on purpose, he knows how boys can be. Yugyeom and Bambam can be so focused while watching Netflix that they can’t even hear any other noises.

Jinyoung fiddles with his hoodie sleeves, his heart beating nervously as he waits for someone to get the door.

“Who is- oh, Jinyoung!” Thank god, Taeyong shows up, not Lucas or Jaemin or else Jinyoung would have a hard time being less suspicious. “Why are you here?”

Now that’s another hard question? Does he simply say ‘well my roommate is here and it’s already 11.20 and why the fuck is she still here’? Or does he say ‘i’m jealous so i’m picking up my girl’? Nope. Nope.

“Uh. Is y/n here?” He hopes he doesn’t sound like a desperate man asking for his crush’s whereabouts because he feels like he’s one. “It’s- it’s 11.20 and uh Jaebeom is kinda mad? She’s not yet back.”

Taeyong takes like- 30 seconds to let the information sink in, before frantically shouting for Jaehyun. “Jaehyun! Tell y/n that Jinyoung is here to bring her home!”

An awkward silence follows him, well of course it’s awkward. All pairs of eyes are watching him from all directions, curious of why he’s here to bring her home? You have been patronising this house for like, two months now and suddenly he’s here to remind her of her curfew?

He hears you come down the stairs, shock paints your face as you see him at the door. Firstly, well since Jinyoung avoided you, you don’t know why he suddenly came to take you home. Secondly, since when do you need someone to take you home?

“Jinyoung.” you reach the door, Jaehyun trailing behind you equally as confused. “Why are you here?”

The amount of ‘why are you here’ irks him that by the time you ask him the same question, he feels like his blood is boiling. Why is it so hard to believe that he’s here to take you home? Don’t you realise what time is it already? Why are you still at Jaehyun’s? These voices inside his head are shouting at the same time and he just- can’t stop himself anymore.

“Why? I can’t come here now?” his question, as soft as he wanted to sound, didn’t come out well. It sounds plainly rude, like he’s picking a fight with you. “Do you know what time it is?”

“Not that. I’m just confused.”

“Jaebeom told me to come and get you.”

“But I can go home by myself.” you point at Jaehyun behind you, who stays silent between your conversation. “Jaehyun can walk me home.”

At this point, Jinyoung feels anger bubbling up inside him and if everyone squints really really hard, one can see that his jugular vein almost pops. All this ‘Jaehyun this and Jaehyun that’ is starting to get to him and honestly? He’s tired of listening to it.

“Can we just go home?” as much as he wants to scream at everyone, he doesn’t want to make a mess at someone’s frat. He knows how Jaebeom works hard to maintain a good relationship with other frats and how hard it is to clean after messes. “I don’t think we should be having this conversation here.”

You silently agree, bidding the boys goodbye and step out of the house. Jaehyun’s eyes follow you worriedly, as if he knows that you’d probably end up fighting with Jinyoung.

In your eyes, Jinyoung is irritated by the fact that you asked too many questions but in Jaehyun’s eyes, he recognises those emotions as anger and jealousy. He’s been asking you about your true relationship with Jinyoung, knowing that it’s impossible for one to be that close without any feeling involved. Tonight, he found out why. 

Jinyoung is in love with you.

“Taeyong.” he whispers while watching both of you getting further away from his house. “Fuck, Taeyong.”

“What?”

“I messed up.”

“What??” how come Jaehyun didn’t realise it from the start? Of course, when he first got close to you, he thought that you and Jinyoung are just best friends and given he never really gets to talk to Jinyoung, well he just didn’t think of that.

“Taeyong.” his frantic eyes find Taeyong, who is as clueless as ever. “Jinyoung loves y/n.”

The leader’s vision switches to the couple on the street, looking at them with wide eyes. “Oh fuck.”

“I don’t understand him!” you throw your hands, ruffling your hair. It’s been four days and Jinyoung avoided you like a plague, refusing to talk to you even if you cornered him every time you got him. “He’s like, really confusing.”

Jaehyun bites the apple, listening to your story intently. You have told him through texts but here you are again, ranting about how Jinyoung is the most useless communicator and it’s impossible to take the words out of him if he decided to give you cold treatment.

“So you said he’s been weird after you asked him if he approves me to be your boyfriend?” he asks again, making sure he had his point right. Just like four days ago, Jaehyun has concluded that Jinyoung indeed, has been in love with you for so long but you’re just dense to realise it. It’s been proven true, you have the audacity to ask Jinyoung about it and not feel guilty at all.

“Yeah.” you sit on the foot of Jaehyun’s bed, settling yourself comfortably. You hang out more at Jaehyun since Jinyoung looks like he’s about to become mute whenever he sees you in the house. You figured you could give him some space. “I’m so confused right now.”

Jaehyun nudges you with his foot, making you look right up to him. Jaehyun has been too comfortable with you, becoming close just after two months. He’s at that stage where he just calls you with his feet now. 

“You wanna know what I think?”

“What?”

“I think that Jinyoung is in love with you.”

“What the-” Shock is not enough to portray your feelings right now. It’s a mixture of shock, disbelief and suspicions. You don’t know if Jaehyun is playing around because right at this moment, his face shows no hint of joking. “Jaehyun! It’s not funny!”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes, annoyed with your ignorance. You’re the most clueless person he ever knows, and he knows Mark Lee! “Girl, listen to me.”

“What did Jinyoung say when you said I texted you?”

“He said, ‘so?’”

“And what did he say when you said you like me?”

“Is this another session to feed your ego?” you don’t trust Jaehyun, he has a lot up in his sleeves and you just knew him for two months. “I fed your ego too much, don’t you think so?”

“Shut up and answer me. What did he say?”

You roll your eyes. “He said nothing. Why are we doing this?”

“What did he reply when you ask about me being your boyfriend?”

“He didn’t reply. God, I don’t know where you are going with this conversation.”

Jaehyun takes another bite of his apple, munching while talking at the same time. “You see, he didn’t reply when you told him you like me. That’s fine, maybe he didn’t care. But when you ask him about me being your boyfriend, why didn’t he answer right away?”

“Well-”

“Because he doesn’t want to! Come on, Jinyoung can’t possibly tell you no right? You’d be too nosy and asked why.”

“Hey!”

“So what I think is, he likes you.” Jaehyun concludes, snapping his fingers in triumph. “Now the real question is, do you like him back?”

You shut up, eyes running away from Jaehyun’s. You don’t know, well you have no idea. You never thought about liking Jinyoung because you don’t want to risk your friendship. It might have crossed your mind a few times but you ignored the curiosity, you figured it’s the best to stay being friends.

Not that you don’t want to invest your feelings in Jinyoung, you’re just too afraid that it will backfire you. You don’t like rejection and you certainly don’t want to become awkward afterward.

“I don’t know.” you answer truthfully because really, you don’t know.

“Then find it out.”

You close the door to your room, putting down your bag on the floor and sit down on your bed. Jinyoung is at his study table, unmoved.

“How long are you going to give me cold shoulders, Jinyoung?” you ask, your feet kicking the air. You know he’s listening, even if he has his earphones in. That’s just Jinyoung style, to wear earphones so that no one bothers him, especially Jackson. Whenever Jackson comes over, he’d retreat when he sees Jinyoung stuffing them in his ears. “I know you can hear me, Jinyoung.”

“Let’s not fight anymore.” you look down, suddenly you feel sad. You feel like you’re losing Jinyoung. Is this what Jinyoung feels before? So near yet so far?

“It’s been hard without you, Jinyoung.” 

“The mornings are extremely cold without your laugh and the lunch is plain without you cracking up lame jokes. Dinner is boring because you avoided me and night…the nights are even colder without your hugs.”

“I know you’d say, ‘so what? You have Jaehyun so go and ask him to eat with you, crack up lame jokes and give you hugs.’ but I don’t want Jaehyun. I want you.”

Jinyoung has stopped writing, listening to you intently. You noticed this, which is why you continue, “Jaehyun told me that he thinks you like me.”

You didn’t realise it but Jinyoung stiffens at the mention of his crush on you, catching him off guard. He knows that someone will eventually tell you about this but he definitely didn’t think of Jaehyun of all people.

“I don’t know if it’s true. Jaehyun isn’t exactly the best fortune teller so I definitely can’t gamble with his words.”

“I just want you to know that you’re extremely important in my life. I never thought of putting you second just because I found someone new. In fact, I decided that I’ll stay as friends with Jaehyun, I don’t find him that attractive anymore.”

You stand up and walk over to his side, sitting on his bed just beside him, forcing him to face you. “So if that’s the case, can you please stop being jealous now? I don’t have anything to do with Jaehyun. We are not dating and can I please have my Jinyoung back?”

Jinyoung is frowning, his eyes scan you from the top to the bottom. “You don’t find him attractive anymore? Really?”

“Well-” you grin, crinkling your nose up playfully. “He’s still handsome. I can’t deny that.”

You feel more at ease, now that you’ve told Jinyoung what you’ve been wanting to tell him. It feels lighter, your brain and your heart. You hated the days where Jinyoung ignored you and you’re left imagining what you would do without him in your life. The thought alone scares you, the fact that you’ve been so comfortable with Jinyoung beside you and you never thought he’ll leave you for someone else someday.

“So you still like him.” Jinyoung confirms and turns around to his note again, picking up his pen. 

You scream, pulling him away from his work and tugs him nearer, trying to have all his attention on you. Jinyoung struggles to escape from your grips but fails miserably, laughing along the way. You join him, laughing together as you bring him nearer.

“Let me go, oh god. Since when you’re so strong?” he wrestles his way out of your grip again, hoisting you up and throws you on the bed easily. “Did you practise lifting Jaehyun’s dumbbells?”

“Yeah, I went there to exercise.” you reply deadpanned and laugh when Jinyoung tickles you as a revenge.

“Hey.” you call out, trying to get his attention again. Jinyoung’s arms have you caged, he’s on top of you while you lie comfortably on his bed. “Is it true?”

“What is?” Jinyoung’s eyes rake you face up and down, like how his thoughts are running wild inside his brain. He doesn’t know what to do, does he confess now? Does he confirm that it’s true? Does it mean you’ll be his? Can he do that? Can he kiss you?

“Is it true that you like me?” just as Jinyoung, you’re nervous. You’re conflicted. What if he doesn’t actually like you? What is Jaehyun really bad at guessing? You’re not surprised, nothing surprises you about Jaehyun anymore.

“What if it’s true?” 

“I’d be so happy.”

“Why?”

“Because I’ve been thinking for a while and I don’t think i can ever end up with someone else other than you.”

“Oh yeah?” Jinyoung’s heart stops at your confession, then beats harder as he feels his adrenaline pumping his blood faster. “Can I kiss you now?”

You shake your head, watching Jinyoung’s eyes grow and a cute frown appears on his face. You wanted to laugh but you held back, looking straight into his eyes.

“Why not?”

“You haven’t said you like me.”

“Oh my god.” he curses, turning away from you when he feels his face grows hotter. “Fuck- fine. I like you. Are you satisfied?”

You laugh, nodding furiously. Jinyoung doesn’t waste any more seconds, diving right then to press his plump lips to yours, taking the perfect shape of your lips in his. 

Finally. His mind says, Fucking finally.

“God. finally.” he mutters to himself, somewhat trying to convince himself that indeed, he’s kissing you. “Oh god.”

“Do you know how long I have been dying to kiss you?” he reaches down to press another kiss on your temple, another on your cheeks, nose and your chin, then pressing the last one on your lips once again.

You chuckle under him, pressing your palms on his chest to hold him. “How long?”

“Too long, I’ve forgotten already.” his reply earns another laugh from you. 

Jinyoung moves to lie beside you, watching you play with the string of his hoodie. It’s funny how time works. About fifteen minutes ago you’re sitting on your bed, trying to fix things up and now you’re lying beside him after he kissed you breathless.

“I thought you’re dating Jaehyun.” he did. He really thought that after what happened, you’d hate him. “I hated myself for screaming at you.”

A strand of his hair falls on his forehead and you reach to swipe it away, pushing his locks behind. “Yeah, you’re quite rude.”

“Very rude.”

“I thought our friendship is ending.” you confess, eyes on his chest instead of his face. “I thought it’s the end of us. That you got fed up with me.”

“Then it turns out that you’re just a jealous boy.”

Jinyoung pushes your chin up, making you face him. “Just a jealous boy? You didn’t know how jealous I am when everything is about Jaehyun! Have you ever heard I talk about other girls? No right? See who’s rude now?”

Another laugh escapes you and you caress his face, calming him down. “I didn’t know, okay. I thought you were fine with it.”

“Yeah right.”

“But we’re here now, right? You don’t have to be jealous anymore.”

“Really?” Jinyoung’s finger finds your lock, playing with the strand. “Do you like me too?”

You really want to make him suffer a bit. Just a bit since he’s being a pain in the ass for ignoring you for one week straight. 

“Hmm, I need to think about that again.” you grin, sending Jinyoung into a series of screams.

“What the- out!” he pushes you off his bed with you hanging onto him while your laugh fills the room. “Get out of my bed!”

“Oh my god. I can’t believe you! Did you just play me?”

“Is my feeling that easy?”

“Get out of my bed!”

“Jinyoung!”

“Out!”

You don’t know about your feelings, just yet. But there’s one thing for sure. You love Jinyoung’s kisses. You can deal with that. But his petty ass? That calls for a serious mental discussion.

Copyright © 2020 jjpmoans. All rights reserved

[ Writings ]

[fly-flower-fanfics]

Bandaged Up

Hizashi Yamada (Present Mic) x Male Reader

Warnings: Depression, graphic self harm, hitting oneself, abuse mentioned, hair pulling out

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hizashi wouldn’t be home for another couple of hours. He had business at the school to do. I was thankful he wasn’t here, but it also hurt my heart. I needed him. I needed someone. All my friends — the few I had — worked at UA. I had just been left go. Today was my last day at work. I had only worked 4 hours today.

The company had been making a lot of cuts, but after working there for fifteen years, I thought I had some certainty in staying. But I guess I was wrong. Today was so stressful for me, knowing it was my last day, because Hizashi didn’t know about it.

I hadn’t told him. I couldn’t bring myself to explain that I had been let go, that I was struggling to find other work. I thought by now I would have a job again, but I didn’t. I knew this was coming, in a way.

I stopped eating as much, afraid to spend Hizashi’s money. I started wearing the same clothing a few days in a row to do less laundry, causing me to use less water. I couldn’t be a freeloader. I wouldn’t let myself become one.

I stormed into the kitchen, tearing brimming in my eyes. How was I going to tell Hizashi? I still had time to figure it out, but how would he react? Would he be mad? Think I wasn’t trying hard enough? That because I wasn’t a hero, that I brought this upon myself?

A million thoughts and questions ran through my head, making everything so loud. I covered my ears, tears now dripping down my cheeks. Yet that seemed to do nothing but amplify the sounds. I pressed my palms against my ears harder, as if adding pressure would drown out the noises. Again, it was a failure.

I knew I was spiraling now; I was working myself up. But I couldn’t seem to stop myself. My chest tightened. Hizashi was going to be so mad. He was going to yell at me. He was going to leave me. I had enough money left for a little while, maybe I didn’t have to tell him yet. But then he would wonder why I’m home all day. Maybe I wouldn’t have to tell him that either.

My arms began to ache from the pressure I was putting on my head, so I dropped my hands. But they were shaking, trembling with fear. I had to tell him. It wasn’t fair to keep secrets like that. It wasn’t right. It I’d be living with him and using his money, he had a right to know why I couldn’t pay for much anymore.

I shook my head violently, trying to breathe. No no no. No. I can’t tell him. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to do it today. Today was too much so as it is.

I curled my hands into fists, frowning when I felt a cold metal in my hand. I looked down, seeing that I now held a knife. I frowned. When did I get this? My heart skipped a beat as I sucked in a breath.

I had a history with self harm that Hizashi didn’t know about. I wouldn’t tell him. We’ve been together for a year now, but I never let him see the scars on my thighs or upper arms. I had been clean for almost six months now, so I didn’t really feel a need to tell him. I had been doing so well...

I gently touched the blade, feeling that this must have been a new knife as it was pretty sharp. I found myself carrying it to the bathroom, my feet moving without much thought.

I sat down on the lid of the toilet, staring at the metal utensil. This is a punishment for losing your job. I closed my eyes, whimpering softly. This is your punishment. You deserve this. I shifted, dropping my sweatpants to the floor around my ankles. I rolled up the edge of my boxers and looked at all the other scars that painted my skin with white marks.

A numb feeling washed over me. I stopped crying, but I didn’t dry my tears. I pressed the knife against my skin, dragging it slowly. Pain bloomed, but I didn’t dare stop. Again, I lifted the knife, pulling it back along my skin. Again. And again. And again. The blade was covered in red. My blood spilled out of the cuts smoothly, building up to run down my thigh.

I grabbed some toilet paper and drabbed at them. I shifted a bit, adjusting myself so I could make work of my other thigh. This time, I did more than simple cuts; I carved a reminder I to myself.

F A I L U R E

The letters filled with blood, making the letters look bold and running into one another as the bled more. Once again, I wiped away the blood.

My eyes then turned to my arm. I didn’t feel like I did enough. My punishment wasn’t over yet. I didn’t think as I slid the knife across my forearm, a place I hadn’t yet cut before. It was almost euphoric, cutting in a new place. Ruining the pristine skin there, knowing it would scar. I deserved it.

Feeling rushed back into my all of a sudden, the pain increasing tenfold. I cried out, dropped the bloodied knife as I stared in shock at what I had done. Six months, down the drain. Six months, gone.

Quickly, I scrambled through the bathroom cabinet for bandages, wrapping the still bleeding cuts up. In my panic, though, I realized I didn’t regret what I had done. I only was panicking because I couldn’t let Hizashi find out. I didn’t want to see his disappointment. His anger. His disgust.

I put my sweatpants back on, hiding the bandage on my thigh easily. However, I now needed a long sleeve shirt to hide my arm.

I bent down a picked up the knife, taking it with me as I went to the kitchen. I washed it off, using soap and water, and then replacing it back where I had gotten it from. Maybe Hizashi would never notice it was moved and used at all.

I made my way to the bedroom, digging through our shared dresser. I knew it would seem a bit suspicious if I used one of my own long sleeve shirts, so I stole one of Hizashi’s and slid it on. I rolled up the sleeves instead of just pushing them up in fear of exposing the bandage.

I walked back out to the living room and sat down on the couch. I felt.... weary. Drained. I stayed silent and still on the couch, just trying to feel something. Anything. Anything at all.

When they didn’t work, I went and put on a playlist that always got Hizashi and I happy and in a dancing mood. I turned the volume up and sat back down on the couch. The CD player took a little bit to load, but I didn’t mind. The quiet before the music gave me more time to think. More time to analyze.

As the music stared, I closed my eyes. Maybe that would help me feel it more. Feel the rhythms and beats. I knew all the lyrics by heart, so my lips moved soundlessly along. But I felt no different. Not happier. Not more energized. Not anything but empty.

Yet I left the music on as I got up, tending to some cleaning that the house needed. Might as well be useful for something. Besides, Hizashi was a clean freak and liked a clean house. Not that ours was dirty by any means right now, but I found myself straightening picture frames and finishing up a few dishes that were left in the sink.

“Yo, babe, having a party without me?!” I heard Hizashi’s voice come from the living room. I hadn’t even heard the front door close due to the music. I wiped my face just in case there were any stray tears on it. Thankfully, my eyes never got super red when I cried. My nose just turned pink, and maybe Hizashi wouldn’t notice that.

I walked from the kitchen, plastering a smile on my face, and greeting my boyfriend. “Welcome home,” I half yelled over the music.

Hizashi was swaying to the beat, bopping his head a bit as well. He had his signature smile on his face, too. Even then, I couldn’t make my smile feel real. Everything I was felt fake right now.

Hizashi walked up to me and wrapped me into a hug, kissing my temple. As I hugged him, I let my smile fall. Why keep up the facade if he couldn’t see me? Yet in those few seconds of being hugged and held, my fake smile gone, a long formed in my throat. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to be comforted by him. But I knew better, and he shouldn’t have to worry about me, too, on top of all his other responsibilities.

As he pulled away, I forced my smile back onto my lips. He was just as handsome as ever. A pit formed in my stomach. I don’t deserve him.

“I’m gonna go take a shower, babe,” Hizashi said.

I nodded a little bit. “All right, dear.”

He disappeared around the corner, allowing my facade to disappear as well. I went and turned off the music, taking out the CD, and putting it back in his case. Hopefully Hizashi wouldn’t want to go out tonight. I just wasn’t feeling it.

It was only about ten minutes before the water stopped and the hair dryer started. A small smile pulled back part of my lips. This meant Hizashi was going to let his hair down. I loved when he had his hair down.

He came out of the bathroom a while later. He was shirtless, decked out in only a pair of sweatpants and socks. His eyes trailed me up and down, a light smirk on his face. “Why you got so much clothing on? You’re smokin’ hot. Why don’t you come chill off with me?” He wiggled his eyebrows at me.

Usually his silly antics to get me to be shirtless would’ve made me laugh, but all I could was offer up a weak smile. “I’m just cold today, love.”

Hizashi’s smile faded a little bit. I knew he could tell something was wrong, but he couldn’t figure out what. I hoped he would let it go, but that was wishful thinking. Hizashi never let problems go unsolved.

He took a seat next to me on the bed, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “You feeling okay, baby?”

“I’m okay,” I lied, shrugging lightly. “I’m just tired is all.”

Hizashi’s smile faded completely, and I knew I fucked up. I never told Hizashi I was tired, ever. I was only tired if I was sick or if I was literally falling asleep, and I had just basically told him I wasn’t either of the two.

“Talk to me, sweetheart,” he whispered to me, pressing a light kiss onto my cheek.

I looked down at my lap, my eyes bouncing between my thighs. I couldn’t tell him, but my emotions began to bubble to the surface, and I felt my throat tighten. I shook my head slightly, tears welling up in my eyes. I tried to blink them away.

“You won’t like it, Zashi,” I said softly.

“I don’t like when you’re upset. I’d rather you talk to me about it.”

A tear slipped down my cheek, and I tried to hide it from him. “You’ll be upset with me. You’ll be mad. You’ll be disgusted. I-I can’t have that. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.”

I pushed myself away from him, getting up and taking my hands through my hair. Tears ran down my cheeks more freely now, and my fists weakly hit the sides of my head in an attempt to think straight.

“Baby,” he whispered.

I wasn’t listening. Everything from today was bubbling back up, demanding to be felt. Demanding to be told. Demanding to be heard. My fists began to tap my head harder, causing a dull ache to spread from the spots that were being hit.

“No, no, no, Zashi, no. No, you don’t get it. You-you don’t get it.” My fingers laced themselves in my hair, tugging on it harshly. I almost yelped in pain, but it was comforting in a way. “You-you can’t understand. I-I can’t tell you. I can’t I can’t I can’t.”

I pulled harder on my hair, then raking my hands through it. I shook my hands a little once they were out of my hair, strands of it falling from my fingers. I had a bad habit of pulling out my hair when I got overwhelmed. My fingers twirled around smaller chunks now, intentionally ripping the hair out as my vision blurred further.

I heard Hizashi get up and he grabbed my wrists, squeezing them lightly. “Hey, hey, hey, baby. Don’t do that. Give me your hands. Let me see them.”

I released my hair from my grip, my hands trembling in Hizashi’s hands. He held them close to his chest, away from my head.

“Zashi....” His gaze was full of concern and sadness. It made my heart hurt. I was doing this to him. I was hurting him. My knees felt weak, and I wanted to sink to the ground. “Zashi...”

“I’m here, baby. Right here.”

I choked on a sob. “I-I lost my job. They l-let me go. I-I can’t...can’t find another one. I-I don’t know what to do. Zashi, I relapsed. It h-hurts. It hurts it hurts it hurts.”

I felt myself falling, my knees too weak to keep me standing. Hizashi pulled me against his chest, lowering me to the ground with him. He stayed quiet as he pet hair lightly.

“How long has this been going on?” he asked quietly.

“Too long,” I whimpered, unsure of what answer to give him. Did he mean my self harm tendencies or my job? Both had been for a while now.

“You’re not alone, darling. I don’t want you to feel alone. I’m here. I’m here. I’m not mad at you. I love you. I love you so much.”

I was struggling to hear Hizashi over my whimpers and gasps of breath. I do desperately wanted to believe him, but I didn’t know how. I couldn’t. There wasn’t any way he could truly mean what he said.

“Believe me,” he whispered, and I heard his voice break a little. “I love you. And I want to help you. I’m here for you. I got you, darling. You’re going to be okay. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

He scooped me into his arms and sat me down on the bed, kneeling in front of me. He still held my hands, kissing the backs of them lightly. I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve any of that at all.

We stayed quiet for a while. He just held me, gently swaying back and forth with me in his arms. He hummed softly, running his fingers through my hair, down my back. Hizashi cradled me in his arms.

“I need you to show me,” he whispered after a little while, his eyes staring into mine. I sniffled, having calmed down a little bit when Hizashi was whispering to me.

“Sh-show you?”

“You told me you relapsed. I-I need to see. I have to make sure you’re taking care of yourself... of the cuts.”

I hesitated, shakily taking off my shirt, exposing my bandage. “Th-there’s more,” I mumbled quietly. I shuffled a little bit, sliding my sweatpants down a little to expose my boxers. I pushed them up, exposing those bandages as well. “That’s it.”

Hizashi got up, kissing my forehead. “I’m going to get something to clean them with. Okay? I’ll bandage them back up and we can cuddle after. Is that all right?”

I sniffled, biting my lower lip. I guess it would have to be, so I nodded a little. He got up and left, leaving me alone for a few seconds. I wiped at my eyes violently, angry at myself. I didn’t know how Hizashi wasn’t mad at me. Or disgusted. Or anything for that matter. He was upset. Concerned. And I didn’t understand why.

He came back, a bottle, some bandages, and paper towels in hand. “It’s going to sting a little bit, okay?” I nodded, sniffling again.

He undid the bandages gently, taking in the red, abused skin. He didn’t stay anything as he carefully began to clean the ones on my legs. I didn’t watch him do it. I couldn’t. It wasn’t because it hurt a lot, but because I didn’t want to see the way his eyes held the pain and sorrow of my actions.

I heard him gasp softly as he moved to my other thigh, the one with the word carved into it. Fresh tears welled up in my eyes. I felt his hands shake as he cleaned the wound.

“You’re not a failure,” he whispered to me. “Never.” He rebandaged my cuts, moving to my arm. He gave it the same treatment as he did to my legs.

“Do you want to cuddle?” Hizashi asked me quietly. I’d never seen him so quiet before, but maybe he knew that I needed it right now.

“Yes, please,” I whispered.

Hizashi pulled me into his arms, careful of my new bandages. He laid down with me, shifting so my legs were tangled with his, and my head laid on his chest. His hair tickled my cheek, but I didn’t mind. I closed my eyes, stifling the little hiccups from crying so much.

“Baby?”

“Hm?”

“I’m so in love with you. I love you so much. I don’t care what you’re going through; I want to go through it with you. You aren’t alone. I’ll support you until you get another job, and you don’t have to feel bad about it. I’ll be here to help you with your mental health. I’m here for you, baby boy. I’m always here for you.”

I whimpered, hiding my face in his chest. “Thank you, Zashi... I’m sorry I’m... like this.”

“No, baby, it’s okay. I’ve got you. I’ve got you. We’re going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. Just talk to me next time, okay?”

I let out a shuddery breath. “I’m going to try... I-I was doing so well. I just... broke...”

“We all have bad days. I’m here to help you on yours. Don’t worry about a thing, sugar. I’ve got you.”

I closed my eyes, my hand settling on his chest to feel his heartbeat. He meant everything that he was saying. I truly never loved another person as much as I loved Hizashi.

“Thank you. I love you.”

“And I love you.”

[invasive]

This is random but I saw your post about your 8:11 headcanons and wondered if you had any others :)

AHH TY ANON i have a few for my favorites ^_^ mostly voice claims

I think Leon has a lower gentle voice, no surprise there. In specifics, I think he sounds similar to this artist, Haruomi Hosono. I like to imagine that he hums a lot to himself, and sketches wildlife during his time outdoors. He's no songwriter, but he likes to make up nonsense lyrics to impromptu songs to keep his mind occupied.

Ryker to me has a higher voice, like in this song from A Monster in Paris (I also think they play guitar slightly LOL). They seem to be a slightly restless type, so I think they often fiddle with their hands or tap the sides of their thighs while rolling back and forth on their feet. I feel like they get bashful easily, and tend to bring the brim of their hat down when feeling a certain type of way. If Leon was next to them, they might mindlessly start fiddling with his hands or coat ^_^

I don't have a voice for Vittorino, sadly enough. I think his scarf must be a special item to him (maybe a gift from Juliek hehe) since it doesn't seem to have the same weathered look compared to his other clothes. He pulls and tugs on it often, and probably twirls the ends when he's not that distressed. I don't think he's a great singer, but with the acoustics in the Basilica, it's hard to resist belting a few old songs, especially with how lonely it is. I think it's canon that he paints the parts of the Basilica in order to restore it + he takes commissions for money? I'm not too sure but it's really sweet to imagine him like rapunzel. I also like the idea of him carving out his own personal Vittorino passageways in the halls so he can get around easier without having to go through the catacombs.

[minipliny]

it’s 1am and I am angry about 2019 moby dick musical lyrics

I have been wanting to write my historical-context-of-Queequeg-in-Moby-Dick and what-the-fuck-was-the-musical for 10 months, and I have been continually aware that it is not going to be a good version of this post and that I know nothing about this subject beyond some judicious Googling and JSTOR access. On the other hand, Dave Malloy had Google too and created…….these song lyrics. So please imagine me waving at you, the reader, frantically, in the direction of more information, rather than a learned disquisition of any sort. Also if I get anything wrong (WHICH I HAVE BEFORE) tell me.

Also point one: the source text Malloy is working with is absolutely also a racist text. He just didn’t have to do…that with it. And obviously, he’s writing it as a joke! I realise this! But when you explicitly decide to do a song about cultural relativism, and then you decide to present what I think even I can notice is kind of a wildly inaccurate caricature which doesn’t really have anything else in mainstream media to counterbalance it, and then you never ever get any of the delicate character work or adaptational work that you get in Great Comet…I don’t know that this is something that was thought about or if Malloy decided to take the entire concept of 19th century Pacific Islanders and leave it as “they eat people! I can make up how exactly by consulting the Wikipedia cannibalism entry and not scrolling down to any specific examples! Also I don’t need to think about any social or historical ramifications.

So, point two. The “Autobiography” section of Moby Dick clearly and obviously draws on the account of Te Pehi Kupe’s journey to England on 26 February 1824. Geoffrey Sanborn has written several articles and books discussing this, with further articles by Juniper Ellis and Caroline Schwarz.

(I’d add at this point that this one of many many Maori journeys to Europe and America at this point, with many different aims – while Te Pehi Kupe was looking for a military resource which was giving a devastating advantage and determining much of the balance of power at the time, many other people were more interested in architecture, agriculture, manufacturing, windmills, trade, law and justice, literacy, religion, politics, and of course acquiring a printing press. So Melville’s idea of trying to find a way of making the people happier than previously is semi a joke, semi reflecting what was an actual thing)

Te Pehi Kupe, a rangatira (chief) of Ngati Toa, paddled out to the ship Urania, and resisting being thrown aboard, demanded to stay on board, go to Europe, and ask King George for guns. He befriended the captain and saved him from drowning, travelling to England to meet George IV, observe military matters (like regiments being reviewed) and visit factories. Returning to a complex and escalating series of wars partly fuelled by the huge imbalances of firepower that muskets brought, he was ultimately killed during conflict with Ngai Tahu.

For the history and conflicts of Ngāti Toa, released only a week ago is a new book containing a 50,000 account in te reo Māori of Te Rauparaha’s life, written by Te Rauparaha’s son Tamihana between 1866 and 1869.

The very same day that Aperahama Te Kawe spoke to him, Te Rauparaha announced: “In the morning we shall go, migrate; the pā is about to fall.” At this, Ngāti Toa’s spirits were lifted, the 140 who were inside their pā, Te Arawī.

In the morning when the sun was high, near midday, they migrated, they left their pā. They did not allow themselves to weep, they left Kāwhia behind, following the paths along the coast. The men and women who did not have the strength to travel were left lying on the trail and some perished from starvation.

They carried on throughout that day until nightfall. When they reached Marokopa my mother was left there, heavy with child — for indeed I was inside her womb about to be born — along with some other chiefly women of Ngāti Toa who were also left at Marokopa. The travelling party with the fighting men carried on, including Te Rauparaha. My mother was not abandoned there, another relative, Pukeroa, stayed with her to look after her, along with some others of Ngāti Toa.

The Ngāti Toa travelling party carried on. When they got to the top of Moeātoa [30 km south of Kāwhia], the hill, they looked back down at Kāwhia lying below. Now the love for their home, for Kāwhia, welled up. Then the people of Ngāti Toa and their elder, Te Rauparaha, wept, their grief was like the sighing sea. How could he not be overcome with love for the homeland that he was leaving behind, the land of his birth where his placenta was buried?

And I’m putting this really wrenching excerpt here because the history and culture that Melville very shakily and ignorantly nonetheless draws on (from religious beliefs, to the idea that the afterlife involves travel back to a specific island, to art and carving, ta moko, warfare, wedding customs to humour) is….real people’s history. The warfare of the Musket Wars did involve the ritualised consumption of the bodies of dead enemies – that didn’t actually make everything a joke to the people who took part in it, or leave their descendants without legacies to reckon with, painful memories or acts of heroism.

And I’m just going to put Ross Calman, the author of the book’s quote here regarding the very contemporary relevance of history:

We can’t pretend that it’s all going to be happy families. It’s been a very difficult past and we have to face up to the violence of the early founding years of this nation. It’s been built on violence and on deceit and on land being taken from Māori in a variety of ways. It’s left us as an impoverished people and we’re still feeling the effects today.

A lot of Pākehā say: “Oh, that’s in the past. You can’t blame me for that.” But the impact of the violence and deceit and theft is still very much with us, and that has to be addressed.

(And for more there, there is this Vincent O’Malley article for one of many, many examples)

Or for a commentary by an early 19th century Māori speaker on both European and Maori societies, have the debate between  Te Whareumeu and Augustus Earle quoted in Tangata Whenua: “the only difference in our laws is, you flog and hang, but we shoot and eat”.  

And finally, here is an actual comic song from the 1820s/30s Māori world, full of irony, wordplay, and double-entendre.

This was sung by some women of the Te Namu pa which had successfully withstood a siege from a taua (war-party) of Te Ati-Awa. The war-party was armed with two muskets. They made a great noise but killed nobody.

Guns came down

To Te Taniwha

To Huri—whenua—

Calling out to the weak ones

Driven here by the guns—

Ha! Come to me, black death,

Come to my thighs, conquering earth—

They shiver at his breath

He beats and burns and roars

Ha! He is done.

What a weapon of love

A sharp bullet from above—

Ha! I am caught in his cold fire

There is no end to his desire—

Ha! He is done!

[adashofniallandasprinkleoflunacy]

Can we seriously talk about his praise kink though? We’ve seen how supposedly bashful he gets when people tell him he’s hot but I think he actually loves it especially when he’s being intimate with someone. I think he’s very vocal if he finds you attractive and enjoys reciprocation lol

Oh definitely

I think the reason Harry’s so shy when people compliment him is because they’re fans and strangers and it’s usually in public. But in a more private setting/event, he’d probably get that self-assured smirk he does when people scream his own lyrics back at him and cry about how amazing he is.

He’s a self-proclaimed narcissist and that’s basically just him admitting to his praise kink and it absolutely magnifies when he’s being intimate with someone.

He’d just love to have you fuel his ego. Like you could be just making out on the bed and he’d pull back a bit, which just spurs you into finding a new place to attach your lips. You’d end up scattering desperate sloppy pecks down his neck as he lets his head hang back, throat straining with the weight and etching in a few veins that disappear into the underside of his jaw.

He’d swallow heavily, chewing on his bottom lip before wetting it lightly with his tongue, mouth falling open in a silent moan as a shiver topples down the knobs of his spine. He’d grip your hips harder, breathing catching as your teeth skim a particularly soft spot along his collarbones.

Harry’s voice would come out tight and breathy with an undercurrent of cocksure smugness. “You like the way I taste, don’t you?”

Your answer is muffled by his heated skin, your lips refusing to part with his body because feeling his jugular flex under the ridges of your mouth is the only thing feeding the boiling pit of need in your stomach. “Of course I do. Thought it was fucking obvious.”

He leans back slowly, lower back flushing against the mattress as he balances onto his forearms, propping himself with his elbows. You have no choice but to follow, falling forward so that your chest is melded to his, knees digging into the sides of his thighs as your fingers wrinkle the fabric of the expensive t-shirt stretching against his broad chest.

You tug at the material, the collar of the tee riding down the swell of his pectorals and revealing the antennas of his butterfly tattoo. Your eager lips follow the ink with quick, wet kisses, exhales shallow and feverish as every nerve in your body screams to feel him— feel him more.

Harry just stares down at you over the sweaty tops of his cheeks, eyelashes dusting his cheekbones drunkenly as his mind fogs with pleasure. His voice is thick and deep, rumbling in his lungs. “What about my cock?”

You release a desperate growl, hot and bothered beyond manageable. “God, Harry, I want it so bad.”

“Why?”

Your fingers release the collar of his shirt, your mouth coasting its way up his jaw and across his chin, eyes crossing with his dark, sparkling own. “What do you mean why? You know why.”

The corners of Harry’s faint grin curve upwards even further, lips parting in an open-mouthed smirk, dimple carving into his cheek. “Wanna hear you say it.”

You hoist yourself up his body so that your noses bump, maintaining the intense eye contact he’s locked you in. Your fingers drift up his heaving chest to his sturdy shoulders, digging into the hard muscles and you can feel him twitch between your thighs in response.

Your throat tightens as he juts his chin a bit, signifying for you to speak up, his mouth teasing yours but not allowing you to fully kiss him. “Tell me why you like bouncing on it so much.”

“Fuck, H, because…”

His hips shift, hands groping your waist harder, slowly rocking you on his crotch. “Because what?” 

“Because you’re so fucking big and you hit every spot perfectly and— and, fuck, you just feel so good stretching me out.”

His head falls back again, hanging from his shoulders, eyelids drooping shut in bliss as the words sink into his veins and go straight to his prick. He runs his bottom lip between his teeth, chuckling lowly as you lick at his Adam’s Apple with a form of raw need that strokes his confidence just right. “What else?”

You’re so far gone the syllables just tumble out. “You know how to use it so well. Every thrust makes me feel like I’m gonna pass out. And you’re so good with your fingers, too. You always get me dripping because you know just the right way to finger me into a begging mess. And your mouth. Shit, your mouth. It’s so pretty— like, so fucking pretty and soft and it drives me crazy.”

He can feel himself tenting his sweats and staining his briefs. “Jesus Christ, you’re such a slut for it.”

The way you toy at the waistband of his bottoms is almost pitiful, your little gasps and whines smearing along the dip of his throat. “Just wanna feel you inside me. Please?”

He grins into the darkness of the room, eyes fluttering open when he feels his underwear being tugged down his thighs. “Slow, darling. Sit on it nice and slow. Make sure you feel every fucking inch.”

You nod so fast your head throbs, eyes widening as his cock jolts against his thigh, painfully hard with drops of precum beading from the tip. The way your mouth waters is embarrassing.

Harry lulls his neck forward, taking in your appearance, thighs clenching as he watches your shaking hand grasp him timidly. “It’s funny how you’ll say the absolute filthiest things but then get all shy when I finally let you have what you want. S’cute.”

Your cheeks simmer.

He swiftly pushes himself back into a sitting position, grabbing at your face roughly and jerking your head up until your lips touch, his cold rings imprinting along your jaw. “Go on, fuck yourself on me. S’what you wanted, isn’t it?”

You nod numbly in his grasp.

Harry sponges his mouth onto your left cheek tenderly, the innocent fashion of the action sharply contrasting the aura he’s established in the room. His voice compliments his gentle manner— soft and melodic— but the actual words make your pulse slam in your temples.

“Fucking take it, then.”

[peter-pantomime]

IT Fic Recs, Part Two

Part 1

Wentworth Tozier is a DILF

Won’t You Be My Neighbor, Dr. Tozier?

Dr. Tozier puts one hand just briefly on Richard’s dark mophead hair, like he’s giving the boy a blessing for his apple adventure. His hand is really quite broad, thinks Helen, popped out square at the thumb-joint. Matches that jawline of his, something whispers darkly in her stomach. Then the boy’s off, tearing down the aisle on a squeaking chariot of scuffed-gray sneakers and babbling what sounds like a Bugs Bunny impression, repeated on a loop. What’s up doc what’s up doc what’s up doc, fading around the corner to the fruit. Peculiar. Helen once saw the Tozier boy eat a worm at the park while pushing her youngest on the swings, after another solemn-eyed little boy with a faceful of freckles had carefully presented it to him in the sandbox. Most peculiar.

Richie/Eddie

pink bubblegum

The thing is, Richie isn’t a weirdo. Okay, he is, but not about this. He’s just — he’s nineteen, and he’s horny like all the time, and all of his friends are kind of disgustingly attractive. And Eddie? Eddie is the worst. He’s, like, disgustingly pretty. Soft pink mouth, freckled cheeks, pretty brown eyes. Bev might have the nicest thighs but Eddie has the nicest legs in general, all tan and long and god he wants to sink his fucking teeth into the soft skin of his thighs. Richie isn’t a weirdo, he’s just totally head-over-heels in love with his best friend.

we’ve been here before

Richie starts seeing Eddie everywhere after Derry. He's obviously hallucinating, until he isn't.

Vanishing Act

Vanishing Act Trashmouth Productions ★★★★½ (10,687 ratings)

Parental Advisory – Explicit Content [Subscribe]

Details | Ratings and Reviews | Related

From the Provider:

Vanishing Act is a weekly true crime podcast hosted by comedian Richie Tozier. Each season, Tozier explores the details of a different missing person case, with assistance from guest informant Eddie Kaspbrak. Vanishing Act has been running since summer 2013 and is on its third season.

Until It Ends There Is No End

If true love's kiss can wake you from The Deadlights and love declarations can save you from Pennywise's madness, then it stands to reason that re-carving initials into the Kissing Bridge after defeating It--the culmination of a long-standing true-love-since-they-were-kids story--summons enough Uncle Stevie turtle magic to save an only mostly dead Eddie Kaspbrak.

Also includes references to vintage Return of the Jedi valentines, Bryan Adams lyrics, Pound Puppies, and, of course, a Street Fighter tee shirt that is available at Macy's, not Target, but artistic license.

All of King's Maine canon exists here. I slipped in some references to Castle Rock and Desperation/The Regulators because I like them so much.

Trashmouth For Sale, Gently Used

“Richie is an award winning comedian and voice actor, originally from Derry, Maine. He’s a six-foot-two Pisces, and in case dinner goes very badly- CPR certified,” the auctioneer recites joylessly, while Richie is in stitches at her side. “Richie enjoys long walks on the beach, 1-800 number jingles, and debating the civil rights of robots. You can select any venue in New York for your dinner, but Richie says he especially enjoys Thai food and frozen custard and describes himself as a bottomless pit-”

Richie taps the auctioneer's shoulder and leans into the mic. “That’s a typo. That should say just ‘bottom’.”

-

While Richie gets roped into a bachelor auction, Eddie struggles with his own worth.

the sidewalk angels echo hallelujah

Richie’s not sure what he expects when Eddie calls on the night of December 24th, but it’s certainly not for Eddie to immediately demand, “What are you doing for Christmas tomorrow?”

“Uh, hi,” Richie says pointedly.

“Dickhead,” Eddie replies.

the night we met (take me back)

Eddie looks determined.

“I don’t know who I am. I thought you might be able to help me,” he holds up the jacket and Richie’s heart stops. “Are you Richie Tozier?”

It’s probably the scotch at 2pm, or maybe that he skipped his usual Captain Crunch break in favor of a morning cry session because it is Thursday after all, or maybe that the love of his life is back from the dead and doesn’t know who he is, but Richie doesn’t have time to figure out exactly what makes him feel so lightheaded before his body gives up and pitches head-first into the hallway floor.

the fireworks that go off when you smile

Eddie seems in better spirits than before, and he gets some of the playful gleam back in his eyes after a few minutes, shoving Richie off the dock and into the water while laughing loudly. Richie comes up for air, water dripping all over his glasses, and the sight of Eddie’s head thrown back with laughter is enough to make him feel like he’s still below the surface, losing all his breath.

--

Or, the Losers take a vacation together and Richie pines like it’s his goddamn job.

Thank You Very Much

Richie and Eddie google "service top" and figure some stuff out.

Take My Breath Away

“Can you be at the airport in like, eight hours?” Eddie asks, apropos of nothing.

Richie breathes out a short laugh. “Um, what?”

“The airport, idiot, can you be there? I mean, I could, like, Uber to your apartment…house? Do you live in an apartment or a house? Fuck, why haven’t we talked about this before now, I don’t know anything about LA… Anyways, yeah, eight hours, can you do it?” Eddie is rambling, and Richie would be comforted by the familiarity if he had any idea what the fuck was going on.

OR: Eddie comes to LA, and Richie is in love with him.

take it slow, and it’ll work itself out fine

Eddie didn’t want it to be about him for fucking once. He’d been poked and prodded and helped and supported, and Richie had held cups to his mouth in those earlier days when even lifting his arms seemed impossible, and now he just wanted to do something, and not have it done to him.

And fuck if he hadn’t been waiting long enough for Richie. Not just Richie, for the time when he could say, I want to jump this guy, and be okay with that; and this guy was Richie, and the time was now, and they were doing this, Goddamn it.

Reintroducing the Hometown Favorite

Eddie had a livid scar on his cheek, the kind of scar he would have now, five months after Derry, if he hadn't died there in the refuse and the dark and the hate.

"I wish you were real," Richie blurted.

Eddie looked at him. His hand stilled on top of Richie's head. Tears picked at the corners of Richie's eyes again. Then Eddie slammed the side of his hand down on the center of Richie's forehead.

Placebo

"Mommy," Eddie rasped, shivering all over. "I’m scared."

"That's why you have to take your pills." His mother’s smile wobbled on its axis, churning his stomach. "Do you understand? I lied, but it was to keep you safe. To keep everyone safe."

Safe from you.

Her fingers curled under Eddie's chin, tilting his face up to meet hers. "You want to be a good boy, don't you?"

The thought of hurting anyone, especially his friends, was unbearable. His tears slid over her thumb as he nodded, fervently.

Now What I’m Gonna Say May Sound Indelicate

Eddie Kaspbrak has lived his whole life being told that he's delicate, and he's not. And nearly bleeding out in an alien fear demon's lair has helped him realize that--as well as what he can live through. It puts his priorities in some perspective.

What he is, is injured. And married. To like, a woman. And gay. And stupidly, stupidly in love with Richie Tozier, after all these years. And he'd like to use his new lease on life to act on many of these things, if only Richie would cooperate.

No Parenthesis

In the deadlights, Stan has some instructions for Richie.

need to be youthfully felt, 'cause god i never felt young

It’s late enough in the afternoon that the sunlight streams warm and golden through the window, spilling a stretched rectangle of light across the foot of the bed, and Eddie and Richie have been making out for what feels like hours, but in reality has probably been like, twenty minutes. It’s still new, this thing between them — two weeks of finally confessing and allowing themselves to touch and want in a way that Eddie has never once let himself want before.

--

Or, sometimes you're forty years old and letting yourself experience real love and desire for the first time, and you get to act a little bit like a teenager.

my love a beacon in the night

“Well hey, I should get going, I just wanted to say hi and make sure you got in okay.”

Richie’s heart leaps despite himself, that Eddie wants to check in on him. “Safe and sound,” he confirms. “If I don’t talk to you before then, Merry Christmas, Eddie.”

There’s a brief pause, and Eddie’s voice is unmistakably fond when he says, “Merry Christmas, Richie.”

After they hang up, Richie lies in bed for a few minutes, his phone resting against his chest. He’s equal parts warm and distressed by Eddie’s phone call, and the fantasy girlfriend he’s conjured up for Eddie in his mind. “Whatever,” he tells himself out loud. It doesn’t matter, not really — all he really wants is for Eddie to be happy, and he’d sounded happy on the phone, no matter what the reason. That’s enough.

--

Or, Richie's spending Christmas Eve alone in a hotel while on tour — but Eddie has plans to fix that.

Men of Fall

Do you remember? He watches his own hand slide closer along the armrest. Do memories transfer by touch, in this fucked-up magic town? Remember, Richie, please, and tell me I wasn’t imagining things.

Like a Bullet in the Back

In February 2017, a nor'easter dropped ten inches of snow on New York City, Richie Tozier did a set of small shows in Manhattan, and Eddie. Well. Eddie stopped running from his own happiness.

In This Cold Heart

The future Richie sees while he's caught in the deadlights gives him a chance to save Eddie. In the year afterward, they both try to follow Stan's advice.

I’ll Be Homo For Christmas

Bill divorces Audra and decides to move in with his buddy, Richie Tozier. Thing is, Richie recently came out as gay, and that's perfectly fine, of course, there's nothing wrong with that. Eddie doesn't have a problem with it, not at all. He's proud of his best bud for coming out and living his truth and whatever.

He just wishes people would stop thinking Bill and Richie are dating.

Eddie's not homophobic, really! But Bill's not gay. So maybe Richie could cool it on the jokes about Bill being his boyfriend.

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Or, tl;dr: "Plot twist: it turns out I don’t have any problem with Richie kissing guys if it’s me he’s kissing."

i was a teenage werewolf

Don’t touch the other boys, Richie, Pennywise whispered inside his head, time and time again. They were thirteen when they defeated It, Richie didn’t even fully – didn’t want to – understand what that meant at the time.

He did now.

or, richie discovers that there never was a monster within himself.

How Much More Than Enough for Both of Us

Richie has tried very, very hard to get laid over the last twenty years, but something has always gotten in the way.

Honey Honey Honeypie

Richie inhaled deeply, and Eddie smelled like mint and clean pure soap, his lips were soft and he tasted faintly like some berry chapstick, and Eddie pulled him down again, to kiss him and kiss him, and kiss him.

When Eddie pulled back his eyes were big, and heated and Richie blinked at him and said the first thing that came to mind, which was; “thank you.”

five things to do in derry when you’re dead

When he opens his eyes, there’s darkness out the window and a hand hovering over his chest.

“You know,” Eddie mutters, squinting up at it. “You could at least buy me dinner first.”

The answer he gets is an odd, choked noise. It’s halfway between a laugh and a sob.

*

Something dies. Something grows. The universe tries to keep itself balanced.

feel this burning, love of mine

To remember that he is in love, and still fall deeper into it, now that is just fucking something. But to confess, and watch Eddie die, and then get him back again. It feels like a second chance. __________________

(in which IT is very aware of Richie’s real fear, and uses it against him. Richie deals with the aftermath.)

evidence of a happier future

"Eddie has been turning his memories over in his head like they used to sift through rocks at the bottoms of creek beds as children, looking for buried treasure. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for, exactly, but it feels important.

The memories don’t feel twenty-five, thirty years old; they feel fresh, because he just got them back and hasn’t had the opportunity to go over them until they distort and fade. He feels like he could’ve been sixteen yesterday. He didn’t enjoy being sixteen, but he thinks it was better than twenty-six or thirty-six or the years in between.

He’s sorted them into careful categories that mainly revolve around every time Richie ever touched him, and he still hasn’t managed to figure out if it meant anything."

Before everyone leaves Derry for the last time, Richie tells them about the guy he's dating back home in Los Angeles. Eddie feels extremely weird about it and he can't figure out why, because it's definitely not because he's jealous. Obviously it's not that.

Broken Record

The house on Neibolt was standing again.

Bill was talking about going in alone. How?

“So does somebody want to say something?” Eddie asked, still breathing, still fucking breathing and alive and not dripping his Goddamn organs out of his chest.

“Richie said it the b-best when we were here last,” Bill said.

“Holy fuck.”

Aw, Honey Honey

Eddie gets a second chance at life, a divorce, a roommate/boyfriend ("a boymate, if you will" --Richie Tozier), and finally, a blowjob.

anything, everything

'They’re cuddled up together on the sofa one night, Eddie’s head resting on his collarbone, watching some trashy action flick, when Eddie, out of nowhere, says, “Um, is it normal, do you think, to like it when it hurts during sex?”'

Eddie has a pain kink. Richie isn't so sure.

A High-Five is a Hug You Can Hit

They were both scrambling for the same game, anyway, so all the drama was essentially moot. Eddie kicked awkwardly at Richie’s leg as he grabbed the Twister box first, clutching it protectively to his chest. He shouted at Stan: “Twister!!” Richie slapped his hand on the box and shouted the same thing:

“Twister!”

Stan groaned, head hanging low. “Do we have to? You guys always pick that.”

Richie snorted. “Yeah, because we fucking dominate.”

“You don’t even,” Bill pointed out. “You always g-g-et way more tangled than you n-n-need and fall over each other.”

Eddie sniffed. “Do not.”

---------------------------

Or, You Construct Intricate Rituals Which Allow You to Touch The Skin of Other Men, Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak redux.

[smolbeandrabbles]

Mine - Killian x Reader (Spies In Disguise)

Well. Here is your introduction to this babe-!

GIF Credit: X

Mine / Blank Space / Feel Somethin’ / Glitter Makes People Happy / Fresh Start Fever /  The Scientist

Author’s Note: Sooooo... I’m using Tristan/Killian interchangeably throughout the series, as I wrote the majority of this part before I watched the movie and really had many more thoughts on him, for now he’s referred to simply as Killian. I have waaaaay too many plot points to work through with this man. So, here we are!

Part 1 of a 5 part movie prequel series. So, there’s quite a lot of set up. As usual, bear with me! Note: Just because I sometimes like talking about my OCs/Readers - this reader was originally created in 2014 - I’ve already used most of her aesthetics elsewhere but... it’s nice to get to use the parts of her I scrapped here. The joys of Killian being cybernetic, I guess!

Disclaimer: I own no characters or plot lines from Spies in Disguise / Lyrics not mine. / Some of this is Ben Mendelsohn in promo interviews’ fault...!

Premise: After a particularly rough interrogation encounter, Killian takes you to safety in order to recuperate... 

Words: 3282

Warnings: N/A. There aren’t any spoilers for Spies... in here, but to be on the safe side, proceed with caution!

_______

I was a flight risk, with a fear of fallin' Wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts I say, "Can you believe it?" As we're lyin' on the couch The moment, I can see it, Yes, yes, I can see it now Do you remember, we were sittin', there by the water? You put your arm around me for the first time You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter You are the best thing, that's ever been mine Flash forward, and we're takin' on the world together And there's a drawer of my things at your place You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded You say we'll never make my parents' mistakes Do you remember all the city lights on the water? You saw me start to believe, for the first time You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter You are the best thing, that's ever been mine

You said, "I'll never leave you alone" You said, "I remember how we felt, sitting by the water. And every time I look at you, it's like the first time. I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter. She is the best thing that's ever been mine."

---

* System Failure * -> Reboot Required --> Recalibration in progress ---> Reboot whole system? -----> Full system reset in operation -> Standby... 5...4...3...2... Rebooting.

 You opened your eyes slowly, everything hurt. But it was a strange pain that seemed to dull with every second of regained consciousness. Everything was too bright and you grumbled to yourself and shielded your eyes - burying your head into whatever you were lying on. But with your body complaining at you, it was impossible to lie here and fall back to sleep - and even more impossible for a slight feeling of unease to not creep over you.

You hadn't fallen asleep here. In fact you couldn't even remember falling asleep... And the scratchiness of whatever you covered you wasn't sheets. Your eyes opened again and you realised from the polished grey flooring you weren't in a bedroom either. You sat up - grasping immediately for the jacket falling from your shoulders - to keep that warmth around you.

You slipped off the plush couch, drawing it around you, stretching your legs out. they still complained at you, but you were all but ignoring them now.  The simple black dress you were wearing came to barely above your knees - had you even been wearing that? - why was your memory so fuzzy? You took a deep breath - and that helped nothing. Your heart suddenly leaping out of your chest at something so familiar to you; the scent of his cologne. You would have scanned the room for a clue of some kind - shoes? Heels maybe? This was a suit jacket after all...  Dinner? That's what the attire said. But it wasn't what the scenery said. You kept walking towards the bright white reflecting through the window.

 You found yourself staring at a seemingly endless mountain range - pure white snow covered nearly everything. The window seemed to also stretch for infinity, even in its many panels - curved around this side of the house. You stared hard at the breath-taking view for a minute. How gorgeous the blue of the sky was today… You pulled that jacket around you tighter still, looking to the stone below you carved smooth in order to build this base up here. The helicopter stationed on its pad let you know he was probably still home. But as you drew your gaze up, along with your smile, you noticed something else. And had to drop your grasp on the jacket - it lay itself over your shoulders, as if it was just as unwilling to let go of you - and you gasped, examining your wrists. They were faint, but both of them held ligature marks. You stretched them out in front of you. That looked bad - that looked very bad... You rubbed them, as if hoping that would also bring the memory back - but nothing. Holding them close to your chest you bit your lip, hard, and looked out to the mountains again. There was nothing you loved more than being here. But this time was different. And it was the first time you'd ever been fearful.

 The footsteps echoed down the hallway, but you didn't turn until you heard them descend the steps into the living area. Step, step, step. Now you knew there should have been two more - so the pause made you turn. Killian was leaning against the wall, looking you over curiously. He was wearing your favourite deep blue shirt, and the jacket to go with his suit was clearly still around your shoulders. "You're awake. I thought it would take more out of you than that. I'm surprised..." You turned away from the window fully then, "...I can't..." "Remember anything?" He stepped forward, two steps and then across the room in slow strides. Somewhere in the back of your mind you knew you should be scared of this man. That it was something you'd been told often... Or... At least recently; it was just about reachable in your memory. But you weren't. And you knew that you never had been by the smile you felt developing on your face. "I'm sorry..." His voice was soft, "I'm working on that... It's not as easy as I wish it were." "What happened?" "Lance Sterling happened, as ever. It took me about 4 days to locate you - I'm sorry. You kinda got yourself out..." He indicated to your wrists. "But it took a lot out of you, so I brought you back here to recuperate." "Killian..." You breathed, remembering the name, and looked back to the window, "...I'm sorry." You knew it was probably a lot of trouble and time he didn’t have to even pick you up – and if they had found a way to track you, this sanctuary was no longer safe. "Woah..." His footfall now put him directly in front of you - and his fingers touching your skin shocked you, making you step away from him with wide eyes. Killian dropped his hands; "I'm sorry... That's an effect of your recalibration." He tilted his head frowning; “…But you don’t need to be.” Sorry; he meant. Somehow you knew the right thing to do was say "What have you done to me this time?" "I told you - I'm not messing with your tech. But sometimes you're reckless and you drain your human body. Just because your legs can carry you forever doesn't mean they should." You couldn't really remember him telling you that, but you took his hand back in yours - senses running on overdrive, you could feel every ridge in his fingertips; "All you need is rest, Y/N... And you'll be fine. I was just coming to check on you... It'll be the chip..." He indicated to the couch again, "Please sit."

 You inexplicably trusted this man - and you did as he asked with no questions. Killian held out his hand and you knew to put your right in his. Watching him press down for a number of seconds something mechanical clicked, and your right arm lit in sparodic places before a tiny compartment opened up. But something in your head was still telling you this was routine.  He had a small device with him, and he plugged it into the compartment. Immediately it beeped. Brain too fuzzy to decipher the numbers you were squinting at; it didn’t take him nearly so long to sigh deeply and chide you; "Your heart rate is elevated... You don't need to be afraid of this..." "I know." But did you? Killian nudged you as further data flashed up; "No you don't... You're running on your chips; your brain is still dormant. And I told you I wasn't going to run you like this." He shook his head, muttering “I knew those idiots would never listen. The tech is too smart for its own good… And they’re too stupid to calibrate it properly.” You thought that was a little ironic considering Killian had just confessed he’d probably done the calibration wrong himself, but thought better to hold your tongue. Besides, all he did was leave you confused; "Meaning what?" He turned his blue eyes back on you, unsure if he should go on. But gave it to you in its simplest terms; "You're sleep walking." "What?" How was that possible? You were conscious, right? Sleep walkers usually had no idea what was going on. You might not remember anything prior to this, but you were aware this was really happening right now. "You won't remember this when you wake up... But you'll remember everything else." So why should he bother explaining it in technical terms you would actually understand, when Killian knew he would just have to do so again later. "Sleep walking?" "I'm talking to a computer. That's creepy isn't it? I told you - They should never have performed the operation..." "But you're glad they did. Or I wouldn't be here. And then where would you be?" That also felt like something you were supposed to say – that he had told you enough times. "Hush..." Killian brushed his hands over your exposed legs, and you gasped, "You feel this?" "Yes." And this time you were aware of your elevated heart beat, and the heat of his palms on your thighs – test or not. "Then your body will be fine. And when you actually wake up, we're talking about that chip. I'm for taking it out of you. For now, you're going back to bed." You looked to the little device again, more than a little scared. What would he do? Force a system shut down?

"Y/N..." You looked back into his eyes, "Whatever your warning system is telling you, you're going to fall asleep naturally. Don't start thinking I'm using this. You're safe." He unplugged it very carefully, every movement slow so you could track it, before he stood - "But you can follow me..." You did as Killian asked, and walked with him up the corridor. But it wasn’t long before he tapped one of the many doors. "Bed. Rest. Now." Then he walked to places unknown. Your eyes followed him for a little while until he was out of sight, and your heart seemed to sink – you missed him already – before you opened the door and found yourself in a bedroom. Again, something about this was so familiar. And you instantly felt tired. You knew the bed was a soft, warm, safe space and smiled. That man was right.

 **

 When you woke again, you wished you hadn't. And everything hurt. For real this time. Sometimes being cybernetic wasn't all it was cracked up to be - and that was the last time you tried to snap handcuffs in an interrogation room to escape.  Killian was who they really wanted, of course, but you were (on occasion) his assistant, and the H.T.U.V would take what they could get... And… well, you were also a lot more than that. So they probably had surveillance footage of the two of you together in many places. You were never trying to actively hide, an easier target than the man you were with. You sat up, head throbbing. And the next thing you heard was a series of beeps. You turned around; "Oh god. Can't you give me 5 minutes?" Your shiny blue metallic assistant drone, KiTT, whined at you sarcastically again. And you wanted to kick it. "Yeah, I'm aware... Where's Killian?" More beeps "Oh. Figures..." He’d probably sent your drone up to check on you; sometimes that proved less helpful than he wanted. You stood and almost immediately stumbled, having to rebalance yourself; "...Sometimes I really hate my parents..." This hadn't been your decision after all. Everything from your waist down - and a major portion of your arms were now cybernetic. To look at you, you were a regular human, but there was nothing regular about what was underneath your skin (synthetic or otherwise). It had been caused by a lab explosion that should have taken your life, more than ten years prior.  This tech would save it, for a price your parents would pay. And here you were. You took your steps slowly up the corridor as the two parts of your body readjusted themselves to Killian's new calibration. You already didn't like it.  And he would, as always, love your complaining. Meeting a man with as much of a knack for robotics as you wasn't coincidence. But he was something else entirely – he was almost too smart to be just the person he was. Sometimes you wondered why he wasn’t a little more legitimate, or why he wasn’t just a scientist himself. You suppose it ran further back than he was prepared to admit to you. And everything was always so shady when he was out here and you were calling him by a different name… He financed things less than legal, and you were pretty sure he made all his money the same way. Still, it always came back to technology and it was where both of you were most at home. When you reached the labs, all was strangely quiet.  KiTT continued to follow you, a nice dull hum that you had grown used to over the years, and were oddly lost without no matter how damn annoying it could be. You didn’t like the thought of Killian down here alone and left to his own devices, but you supposed this was only for your sake. He would rather be out there with his various factions – doing whatever it was they all did on a daily basis. You already knew none of it was good. When Killian dropped you back in civilisation he’d go off and get Lance and co chasing him around again – and you’d go back to the innovation lab you worked at, until he needed you or you saw him again – sometimes just by happenstance. And that’s how life was. You paused every so often at various research stations and abandoned work benches. Killian clearly hadn’t been alone long, and whatever he was working on seemed huge. Nightly news reels were calling, you could feel that.

 You eventually found him, sitting staring at research. By now your assistant had flown over to another part of the lab, to continue the work Killian had put him on before sending him to check on you. “What have you got KiTT doing for you?” “Nothing you wouldn’t have him do...” You glanced suspiciously from your other half over to KiTT, welding pieces together “He’s not YOUR assistance drone.” Killian kept his blue eyes on his monitor for a moment, “You’re the one who won’t tell me who built him.” “I built him!” You took immediate offence to that, and folded your arms. “Yeah But you said it yourself, he was a kit.” Which Killian always assumed was where his name came from “I modified him a little...” You continued to watch, concerned as KiTT carefully drew out and inserted vials of vibrant liquid into whatever he was building. Killian sighed, knowing that look well “If you don’t want me to use him, I’ll stop. But then either you have to get more involved - and you want to be the neutral one - or I need the name.” “I get worried he’s gonna get hurt!” That was a No, then. “I sent him to look after you.” “So you didn’t have to deal with the sarcasm any longer?” Killian gave a shrug, that accompanied his smile, hitting a few keystrokes - “He doesn’t sass me.” “Yeah I bet-! Too scared!” “Am I scary?” Right now no. But he damn well could be – you’d seen the outcomes of this line of work. “Intimidating. Up there at the lofty heights of... 6...?” “Classified!” You scoffed “As if your height is classified.” “Definitely is.” You squinted at his monitor, now more interested in whether that would tell you what your drone was doing; "What are we stealing today?" He chuckled; "No. I'm just researching." "Yeah, what to steal next." You leant against his desk, eying him; "Do you ever stop?" "Do you?" He turned to you slowly, fixing you with blue eyes that could easily see right through you. Sometimes he made you feel guilty even when you had nothing to hide. You held your hand’s up defensively, knowing he was immediately talking about the interrogation; "I didn't say anything!" "No. I know that." "Going through my memory bank now-!?" Your eyes narrowed in suspicion. If Killian had access to the chip, he could do whatever he wished. "I would never do something like that. I just know you. How are you feeling?" At least you knew him well enough to know that was true, and you appreciated his concern. "...I... Guess I've felt better..." "Well. Yeah, your calibration went wrong - my mistake." "Sorry!?" Killian wasn’t usually one for making mistakes, let alone admitting to them when he did. "I need to take that chip out of the base of your brain, I think." You scoffed, "And kill me? That's the reason all this works!" You presented yourself to him. "I know..." He held his hand out for yours, attention now all on you, voice low, "But I don't like what it's doing to you. I can make a better one." "Ehhh... Should I trust you?" You allowed Killian to pull you to him, and wound your arms around his shoulders. It was really a rhetorical question, if he wasn’t tuning up your robotics you were doing it yourself. "If it's the only thing you do." "Complex operation?" Though you knew the answer before he gave it. "Majorly." He gave a shrug; "I just want that thing out." His fingertips ran up your back, halting at the top of your neck; if he pressed down hard enough he could feel the offending object under your skin. You knew Killian wouldn’t say something like that without reason – you doubted even this man would risk your life, you traced your hand up to meet his, fingers lacing together; "...What happened?" "Well, it can wake you up without you being conscious - that's the stuff of nightmares. And that knowledge alone should be enough to convince you!" You opened your mouth; "Do...I want-" "No." He pulled you onto his lap and tucked your hair back, "I'm going to need to repress it. Your entire system rebooted and took you with it. Not good - probably my fault. But it's not doing it again..." He indicated to his other screen, upon which displayed a schematic of your robotic and synthetic material - "I'm going to put in a fail safe." Killian always explained everything he did to you in great detail, and only tuned you up if you agreed to it.

You narrowed your eyes, sitting back against his chest; "I thought you took the last one off…?" "Yeah... I did. Because that one was holding you back. Whoever made this for you decided to give it one basic function." Killian also only messed with anything if it was going to perform better than what was already there. "Which is?" "To function." You could have finished that for him. They taught you how to use it. The basics. But let me show you how to employ it. The potential of what you have should be realised, Y/N! You weren't sure it wasn't for his own ends. But one thing was for sure, until he showed otherwise, you'd trust Killian and his judgements. "Do it." You weren’t even sure you wanted to hear the what or why – you trusted him implicitly, whatever he would do for you would be for the best. You almost slipped from his grip; thinking the conversation was over – before he pulled you back, hands taking yours; "Hold on. I have to test it all first, I'm not just putting that chip in you..." You turned back to him, "Oh! And here you had me all excited!" “It’ll be finished in a few days. I don’t want to put you through a complete system overhaul twice in one week.” You folded your arms with a smirk; “This is just a ploy to keep me here all to yourself, Killian, isn’t it?” He rolled his eyes, question left unanswered, "Now hush for a minute and tell me which diamond you like best?" You made yourself more comfortable in his arms and studied the screen; "So you are stealing diamonds." "Yes. We're stealing diamonds..." He kissed your hair gently, making you absentmindedly smile and nestle further into him; "Now pick one!"

---

Hit me up - he’s not going anywhere! This is only fic 1/? (All Five parts of this are also started. FYI 😊😉)

Note 2: I had a plot point to do with the drones that I kinda had to kill due to the movie... - but I wanted her to have one as an assistant, so. Here’s KiTT. I’m keeping him.

Who do I even tag?! Are we all interested in animated bois voiced by Ben Mendelsohn fics?  @xxstar-bluesxx​ - Thank you for your patience! 💜💙😊 @3134045126​ - my girl 😉 Just you wait-!

@dennismitchell @happyskywhale @wltz-bby #MendoTagSquad.

[gillywulf]

Soft and Slow, Watch the Minutes Go

AO3

Summary:

The bird, the fish, and the place where they live.

or

Clarke Griffin, international pop star extraordinaire and her very soft girlfriend Lexa carve out a piece of the world just for themselves.

~~~

The stars were an old comfort.

It was easy to gaze at them over the dusty roads as they rose just above the tree line. It was easy to get lost in the magnitude and implication of their mere existence and simply block out everything on earth that was just terrible.

Mostly, Lexa liked to use them to imagine the good. Clarke’s smell and warmth always came easier to her when she looked through the massive skylight in their new apartment. She could practically feel her body weight pressed against her like she wasn’t on the other side of the country.

The front door opened and proved that, thankfully, she wasn’t.

“Babe?” Warmth flooded Lexa’s chest and she grinned.

“Bedroom,” she called, not shifting from her position. She closed her eyes and listened for Clarke’s movements. The twin thumps of her sneakers hitting the floor, the soft patting of her steps traversing the halls, the swift intake of breath as she launched herself into the spot beside Lexa.

“Hey,” Clarke murmured as she tucked herself along her girlfriend’s body.

“Welcome home. How was shopping?” Lexa shifted her arm so that Clarke could lay her head over it and pulled her closer.

“Riveting.”

“Oh yeah? I knew I missed out.”

“Absolutely. Nothing better than the glamorous adventure of grocery shopping,” she paused to kiss Lexa’s cheek as she laughed. “They were out of the peach flavor of that yogurt you like, though. I got another flavor for you try and if you don’t like it, I think I will.”

Lexa’s mind flashed back to sitting on top of her truck, her eyes glued to the whirling dust above the canopy that lined the road. Anya’s encouragement and later warning about timing and it all seemed ridiculous and so long ago. How did she almost let this slip away?

“You’re the best.”

~

The bar quieted the second the door closed behind them. The street was still wet from the earlier rains, the scent overtaking the alcohol and vomit from overzealous patrons earlier in the night. Lexa patted down her pockets to ensure she still had her keys, wallet, and phone before turning her attention to Clarke.

“Clarke, can you check- oh, no, babe, your shoes,” she groaned. Clarke had removed her heels about an hour ago and now they lay in the gutter as she swayed tipsily down the sidewalk towards their apartment.

“They were free, no big,” Clarke replied with a wave of her hand. Lexa huffed and scooped them up, then jogged to catch up.

“Wait, wait, that’s not the point,” she tugged Clarke’s hand and then stood in front of her, draping the hand over her own shoulder, “there’s all kinds of shit in the street, climb on. There’s no need to hurt yourself.” There was a long moment of silence as Clarke seemed to register what she’d said, just long enough to make Lexa self-conscious. Was that weird? Oh no, that was weird. Clarke was going to break up with her-

Another hand found a grip on her other shoulder and suddenly all of the superstar’s weight was leaned against her back. Lexa breathed a sigh of relief and tucked her hands under the knees at her hips. A gentle humming vibrated against her cheek as they set off. She was composing.

“I’m writing my next album about you, you know,” Clarke admitted quietly into her ear a few minutes later.

“Yeah?” Lexa asked. She couldn’t have stopped the disbelief from leaking out if she’d tried. All these years of knowing her and Clarke still surprised her. Still found ways to show just how much Lexa meant to her and it baffled her.

“Yeah. I’ve got a few songs written already. I think they’re really good,” Clarke melted further into Lexa’s back with each step and the warmth of her almost made the alcohol in Lexa’s system spread that much faster.

“Can I hear one?” she asked.

“Oh yeah, absolutely. I was going to play one for you tomorrow when I was a little less drunk, but I will sing for you now. Soft skin's soft as, all of these beautiful lives and beautiful thighs. They always kept me up at night, but I can't change my appetite, 'cause your pussy is a wonderland and I could be a better man-”

Lexa laughed, her whole body shaking. “I love it. Number one hit on the radio, calling it now.”

“I’m going to have Alanis Morissette do the chorus,” Clarke announced.

“I’m sure she will be delighted to sing about my vagina.”

“I know I will be.”

~

Lexa sighed as she approached her front door. Her new job was good, but just because it was more desk work and overseeing that her last job, didn’t make it any less exhausting. Talking to people left her tired on a good day, whatever the situation. She slid her key in to the lock and froze. Through the wood came a sweet melody from the piano in their living room. A soft, lilting thing that accompanied the gentle tone of Clarke’s voice. She twisted the knob slowly so as not to alert her girlfriend.

“... your cheeks says that you bleed like me and the 808 beat sends your heart to your feet. Left my shoes in the street so you'd carry me through a breakdown.” The lyrics trailed off into humming as the melody meandered through a part she hadn’t written lyrics for yet.

Clarke was sat at the piano, her hair piled into a messy bun and the rest of her wrapped in her coziest hoodie. A notebook, loose papers, a pen and her phone were scattered over the top of the black wood and she reached for the pen to scribble in the notebook when she paused her playing. Lexa leaned in the doorway to watch. Her exhaustion was immediately gone. 

The song picked up from where she’d left off with more humming. Lexa wasn’t often privy to Clarke’s songwriting process. She kept things private and close to her chest until she had a finished product. Patience was a virtue Lexa was still learning. Midway through the next play-through, Clarke’s eyes met hers and - with a brief smile - she continued on. They didn’t speak until she had gone through two more times, adding lyrics with each play.

“You were quiet,” Clarke said as her fingers continued to move over the keys.

“I don’t get to see you play very often and it was very pretty. It would’ve been a crime to interrupt,” Lexa pushed off the wall and slid in beside Clarke. “I don’t tell you often enough how much you astound me.” The song cut off abruptly. Lexa looked up to find blue eyes boring in to her.

“I’ve been asked to debut a new song at the Grammy’s. Will you go with me?” Her voice was soft and vulnerable and despite what Lexa felt about crowds, there was no world where she would deny Clarke.

“Yeah, of course.” Clarke kissed her soundly before she’d finished.

Later that night, her arms pulled Lexa close, like she was trying to absorb her. “I am amazed by you every day,” she whispered into the skin of her shoulder. Lexa hugged Clarke’s arms tighter around her.

~

“Well, as an adult, I have to work tomorrow. I’m going to head out before I let you pay for any more of my drinks,” Anya pulled her coat over her arms and patted her pockets to check for her belongings.

“You mean you’ll start waxing poetic about Raven once you’re drunk enough,” Clarke teased.

“Hey, don’t put words in my mouth. Get home safe, you two. Good night.” The couple watched as Anya disappeared around the corner and followed suit not long after, pulling on jackets and double checking for their belongings. When they hit the street, Lexa felt Clarke reach out and try to lace their fingers. Her hand remained stiff.

“Hey,” Clarke tugged them to a slow stop, “are you okay?” She frowned when Lexa looked anywhere but her. “Talk to me. Please,” she pleaded softly, running her thumb over the skin in her grasp. For a moment Lexa tried to find the words, to piece together something that wasn’t entirely emotion and that wouldn’t cause undue pain, but she shook her head and turned back towards their apartment.

“When we get home. I need to think before I speak.” Clarke’s lips tightened, but she nodded and stayed beside Lexa the entire way. The walk allowed the words to settle with each step. She wasn’t mad at Clarke- couldn’t be mad at her. It was irrational and her girlfriend had proved time and time again that what she felt for Lexa was real and there was no getting rid of her.

She was endlessly grateful for the quiet, for the chance to organize herself and the affection swelling in her chest helped ease away some of the frustration with herself. Lexa remained silent until the front door was locked and their coats were hung up in the hall closet. Then, at length, she turned to face Clarke.

“You are very successful and you’ve worked very hard for that. I couldn’t be more proud of you and the effort you put in every day. I want to start with that,” she finally made eye contact and Clarke nodded to encourage her to continue. “That being said, I don’t want you to pay for every bill willy-nilly like it’s nothing. When you wave away my offer to pay for something I feel like I’m not contributing anything to us,” Lexa explained. Her shoulders were tense and almost up by her ears by the time she finished. She watched Clarke’s heart immediately break on her face.

“Oh, baby, no. That’s not- I never meant- I’m so sorry, come here.” She held out her arms and folded Lexa into herself. “I didn’t mean to do that.”

“I know you don’t need me, but I’m frustrated any time I’m reminded of it,” Lexa breathed into Clarke’s neck. She felt the full body laugh and the hands tightened around her.

“No one needs anyone, but by god do I want you.” Tears began to form in Lexa’s eyes without her consent. Trust her to start crying in the middle of their argument. “Hey,” she felt Clarke pull back enough to see her face, but kept her eyes closed. She didn’t want her to see how red they were. “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

Her arms were suddenly empty and her eyes flew open to catch Clarke dart across the room to the expensive stereo system she’d moved in with. She pushed a few buttons and came back to Lexa, settling her arms around her neck as a slow song filled the room. Lexa tried to ignore the way her hands so automatically fell to her hips.

“Do you remember prom? We danced more with each other than our dates,” Clarke laughed. Lexa remembered. Clarke had gone with Finn and she’d gone with Costia, a girl she knew had been crushing on her the whole year, in a vain attempt to get Clarke off her mind. They’d spent maybe fifteen minutes with their respective dates before finding one another like magnets.

“I can’t believe we didn’t know then.”

“Excuse you, I certainly knew. I was just worried you didn’t. Turns out I was right,” Clarke countered. Lexa hummed.

“Let me rephrase; I should have known.”

“Yes, but I’ll forgive you as long as you know now.”

~

The new suit was incredibly comfortable. It was custom cut and designed just for her to match Clarke’s own enchanting dress. The label had insisted on it and Clarke had worked with her to find something she’d like that wasn’t too loud, but didn’t look a wash next to Clarke. Lexa privately believed everything looked awash beside Clarke, but who was asking?

They had walked the carpet with flashing lights and rising panic. Clarke’s hand firmly clasping hers was the only thing keeping her grounded and present. And it was hardly a hardship when the press asked her to stand away for individual photos of the singer. Looking at Clarke was her favorite thing, especially when she was as dressed up as she was.

She leaned back in her assigned chair. Clarke had been pulled a few minutes before to prepare for her performance and Lexa was beginning to get antsy alone. All at once, the lights came back up and a host walked on stage.

“And now, three-time Grammy nominee with her new single, Clarke Griffin,” he gestured to the center stage and Clarke’s figure was lit with a spotlight. She’d changed clothes again and had her oldest guitar slug over her shoulder. Lexa remembered her playing it at the school wide talent shows that she always seemed to sweep. She began playing before the applause died down.

“Your eyes, so crystal green, sour apple baby, but you taste so sweet,” Lexa felt her face redden immediately. Clarke hadn’t been joking when she said she’d written about her extensively. And so obviously. She couldn’t help but laugh quietly. 

Twenty minutes later Clarke found her way back to her seat with a nervous grin. “What did you think?” she asked, her pinky pressing to Lexa’s hand. Lexa laughed again and took Clarke’s hand in her own.

“I love you, but if there is actually a song about my vagina on the album sung by Alanis Morissette, I will scream,” she replied. The quiet admission in the crowded theater wasn’t lost. Clarke’s eyes shown with nearly-there tears as she pulled Lexa’s hand to her lips.

“I love you too, but it’s staying.”

~

Clarke burst through the door and Lexa nearly dropped the dish she was holding.

“It’s done,” Clarke announced, ripping off her heavy coat as she crossed the apartment, jabbing her finger into the buttons of the stereo system. Lexa blinked, bewildered.

“What’s done?” She set down the dish carefully. There was no need for more property damage than Clarke’s excitement would cause. She watched her girlfriend shove a before unseen disc into the player and whirl around, arms wide and a grin stretching across her face.

“My new album.” She pulled the blanket from their sofa and  laid it out over the floor. As soon as it was flat, she marched over to Lexa, pecked her cheek, then tugged her down to the blanket with her.

“I get to hear?” Lexa asked, making herself comfortable.

“I said you could when it’s done. Now without further adieu, may I present; Clarke Griffin’s Untitled Third Album.” Clarke pressed the play button and after a few moments of silence, sound filtered through the speakers.

It was always a surreal experience listening to Clarke’s new music. She put so much of herself into every track that Lexa was always left feeling like she’d learned something new about the girl she’d known most of her life. And she wasn’t stupid; she knew songwriting was very personal for a lot of people - Clarke included - and to be let in like this was a show of trust unlike anything else.

Lexa smiled and found Clarke’s hand as she listened.

~

“Can you guess where I am right now?” Clarke asked from thousands of miles away. Lexa chewed her lip and tried to recall the schedule tacked to the fridge. She would get up and look, but she was comfortable in bed and Clarke would surely call that cheating.

“I want to say Florida.” Her answer was met with a laugh.

“Which stop in Florida?”

“Tallahassee?”

“You know sometimes I think you memorize that thing, but no, that wasn’t what I meant, guess again,” Clarke demanded. Lexa hummed and made a show of trying to really put her brain into it, but she was so exhausted by work that day that she couldn’t get beyond ‘not in bed with me’ and decided to groan like she was stumped.

“I couldn’t even begin to track the life of an international pop star. Where are you?”

“On the roof of the bus.” Lexa’s eyes - which had slid closed over the course of the conversation - snapped open.

“Oh yeah?” She forced the nerves and panic out of her voice.

“Mhmm. Found a step ladder and went up the hatch at the back. Gus is standing just below like he’ll be able to ninja catch me as I start falling,” the singer laughed.

“You never know with him. Can I ask what you’re doing up there?”

“I was missing you, so I wanted to see the stars.” Lexa’s world stopped and narrowed down to one thought; I will marry this woman. There was no other choice. After all the years of pining and missed opportunities culminating into the life they had built together, anything else would be a disservice to themselves. It wouldn’t be soon - she could handle a little bit of waiting - but it was going to happen. The revelation knocked the wind out of her and she sat up in bed, then, struck by the image of Clarke under the stars, moved to their bedroom window and pushed it open.

“What a coincidence, me too.”

[grizztomysam]

Darling So It Goes... - Grizzam

Jack Mulhern’s Song rec on IG got me feeling some type of way...

--------------------------------------------

One of Grizz’s romantic daydreams back in West Ham was sitting next to Sam, thigh against thigh, on his bedroom floor while they listened to music together. 

He’d forget himself for a minute because Sam’s eyes would be especially blue during those moments of stolen glances, triggering another internal musing of life with Sam. Forget Sam would never be able to hear music.

Then he’d catch himself, red shame coloring his ears and cheeks, and look away. 

He feels a sadness that floors him. But Sam is the type of boy that would scoff at pity.

Beside poetry and a well written prose, music was everything to Grizz. As much as he loved beautiful words both spoken and written, the power of music, its ability to convey so much, even without lyrics made Grizz feel so much. 

Feel everything and nothing.

Made Grizz feel invincible. 

Music was also a means to cope. 

It helped him comprehend why he just could not see himself falling for the the pretty girl his mother pointed out during a trip to the store and why the boy putting up the apples in the next aisle made his heart thunder against his ribs.

It helped him comprehend the empty, devastating loneliness when he realized his mama, the one who’d sat with him at nine, his head nestled into her lap, running her warm, soft, delicate hands in his hair, that always smelled of vanilla and freshly baked bread, while they listened to Elvis, would do everything in her power to “fix” him. 

It helped him comprehend he wasn’t something broken and needed fixing. 

It helped him comprehend that Sam Eliot was worth so much to him. Worth putting aside his fears and uncertainties because Sam was the type of boy Grizz would lay his life down at his feet.

Grizz feels like a right idiot when he discovers that Sam can “hear” music.

Walks by one day after his late night guard duty shift at Allie’s, to pass Sam’s bedroom. Because it’s always intentional that he passes by Sam’s room hoping it’s open. His creeper, 16th century courtier, pining self needing a glimpse of the sleeping boy. Because a sleeping Sam is beautiful. 

Eyelashes so long and pretty against his cheek, his brows furrowed so. It makes Grizz swallow thickly and turn quick because he badly wants to kiss Sam’s pouting lips and chase away the monsters in his dreams.

This particular morning, Sam is up, dancing. Grizz starts near the doorway, smiles and chuckles. Sam’s hips are moving slow, punctuated with little shimmies, shoulders shrugging up and down, as his head bobbed with headphones on. Grizz amused, his grow eyes soft for Sam.

But of course, the vibrations. 

Sam can feel music.

Grizz wants to cry.

After he returns from the expedition for land. After he learns of Sam’s true connection and role in Eden’s life. After some order is restored with the release of Allie and Will once truths are revealed. Grizz finally gets to take his time with Sam. Woo and romance properly the love of his life.

They’re sat in Sam’s room on the floor at midnight, knees to knees, the house hushed but creaking to the wind outside. It’s autumn and Grizz has a fleeting thought of carving pumpkins with Eden. He smiles as he rifles through his backpack next to socked foot and feels Sam’s thumb running against the skin between his lip and chin. Grizz looks up to warm but questioning eyes.

“Why are you smiling?” Sam signs, his fingers moving a stray bang behind Grizz’s ear and traveling to the back of Grizz’s nape, pressing with gentle pressure that both lull and heat Grizz up.

“I was thinking about carving pumpkins with Eden.”

“Oh!” Sam’s dimples show. “You should.” 

Grizz feels so warm and full, the grin on his face threatening to split his lips. He looks down when Sam’s eyes begin to grow dark, the tip of his tongue darting out to wet his bottom lips. 

First things first.

He wants the night to go romantically slow and sweet, despite how heavy and quick his breath has grown. 

He returns to rummaging through his pack, softly swatting away Sam’s wandering hands by his thigh and finds his headphones, the old cassette player he’d found in a box that held his grandpa’s things and the mixtape he’d gotten Bean to help him translate songs into from his phone. 

He leans forward with the headphones in hand, volume turned up on high, catches how Sam’s eyes have begun to sparkle, lips in a gentle smile, and places the headphones on his head, steady against Sam’s ears. He keeps one hand held onto the headphones, his thumb running softly against Sam’s neck and the other he puts in the tape and presses play.

Sam’s eyes close, eyelashes flush against freckled cheeks, swaying to the deep beat of the crooning baritone.

Grizz wants to look at Sam like this forever.

When the song ends, Sam takes a moment, lips still smiling soft, eyes closed. And when he opens them and leans in for a kiss, Grizz stops him, signing “Let’s play it again, but keep your eyes open this time.”

Sam’s lips quirk as if perturbed, patience suddenly waning. Grizz should have kissed him yesterday. But he indulges, sitting back, hands now gripping the underside of Grizz’s knees.

His lips lose it’s impatient line when Grizz begins to sign along with the song, gaze unwavering from his, strong and true.

Wise men say only fools rush in But I can't help falling in love with you Shall I stay? Would it be a sin If I can't help falling in love with you? Like a river flows surely to the sea

Darling so it goes Some things are meant to be Take my hand, take my whole life too For I can't help falling in love with you

His eyes grow wet, lashes fluttering fast as his grip on the underside of Grizz’s knee tighten while his head falls down onto his chest, a hiccuped sob escape trembling lips. 

Grizz gives him a moment, running random patterns into the side where his hip meets his thigh, soothing and reminding that Grizz is all his. When he lifts his head its with a look that cuts into Grizz ‘s very being. A sudden force shooting electric stars in its wake, landing like a bullet into Grizz’s beating heart, that almost stutters, overwhelmed. 

“I told Becca a while back I’d probably die a perfect christian virgin.”

That earns a sniffled laugh from Grizz, he doesn’t remember crying but it’s flowing freely now. 

“I asked her how I’d ever find someone who would love me that I’d want to love back....Then came you”

And when he kisses Sam, gentle and slow, he feels and hears a gasped sigh, as if saying “Finally”.

Finally, I’ve found you. I’ll love you forever, darling

Grizz lifts them up, lips never parting, its awkward and they almost topple over, Sam turning his head as he laughs against Grizz’s cheek, but they manage and lips meet lips again. 

They may be living in an alternate universe where threat of starvation, violence and chaos lingers around the corner; through the mess of it all they’ve somehow found each other. And Grizz rejoices in the possibilities. 

There will be more music shared and lyrics signed so Sam will never question and never forgot how much Grizz loves him.

Grizz pulls Sam in tighter as they continue to kiss, swaying when Grizz presses the play button once more.

----------------------------------------

GRIZZAM HAS MADE ME ITS SAPPY BITCH...and I don’t even care anymore.

[the-blind-assassin-12]

Passing Through

Part Four: Snowed In 

A/N: I really missed Ryan. It’s good to be back to this story. This picks up immediately where we left off in part three- you and Ryan are about to be snowed in for...a while...better get comfortable. 

Word Count: 4,472

“You could let me do that,” he offered, stooping next to you and sitting on the red brick ledge of the hearth. He pulled his snowy boots off and set them next to yours, beside the stack of wood he’d brought in from the porch.

You had been trying to get the fire going, but so far had only been successful in creating a large pile of ashes under the grate from all the newspaper you’d lit as kindling. Kevin had always taken care of getting the fire started, and you realized that you really had no idea what you were doing; that you’d never lit a fire in your own damn fireplace, and that you only wanted to now because Ryan was there and he’d need the extra warmth in your drafty living room. When you were home alone, you never bothered with the flue or the firebox, never touched the woodpile that had become a permanent fixture- and likely home to countless spiders- on your patio. You simply layered up your socks and spent most of your time in your bedroom either crashing into the mattress after a long day, or occasionally wrapped in an afghan and seated at your keyboard well into the midnight hours.

Suddenly that thought bothered you- that you couldn’t do something for yourself. You watched as the bright orange flame hungrily burned through yet another wad of paper, a disappointed scowl on your face. With a sigh and a shrug you turned to Ryan. “I guess that’s for the best if we ever want an actual fire.” You handed him the box of long-handled wooden matches, sitting back on your heels in defeat.

Ryan set the matches aside, reaching for the dwindling stack of newspaper to your left, leaning over you with a smile. “Lemme show you a trick I learned for startin’ fires,” he winked and you half expected the spark in his eye to jump into the hearth and ignite. “Makes it real easy, watch.”

Eyes glued to his fingers, you watched him tear the newspaper into thin strips, folding and ripping it until his hands were full of black and white fringes. Setting the pile of paper shreds aside, he pulled a small wood handled pocket knife from his jeans and flicked it open, the silver blade catching the light from your empty dining room. He tested the blade against his thumb, tapping the sharp edge against his cracked and calloused skin. Deeming it up to snuff, he picked through the wood pile until he found a small piece of pine, dry bits of bark falling between his fingers and onto the bricks. Concentrating on the soft wood, Ryan took the knife and used it to carve peels from the branch, repeating the motion until he had a cluster of curled ribbons next to the newspaper strips. “Learned this from a…” he paused, flicking the knife closed again, eyes narrowing slightly as his lips twitched. He cleared his throat and looked over at you. Is that… you thought you saw a twinge of sadness in his warm brown eyes, but before you could be sure he blinked and it was gone.  “From a good friend’a mine, out on the rails.”

Out on the rails. You’d guessed that Ryan was a freight hopper and he’d just confirmed it. You’d known a few back in your busking days, when you and Kevin hitched rides and splurged on bus fare when you were in between cities. You’d even hopped a train once yourself, and even though it was a solid five years ago, you could still feel the rush that widened your eyes and swept through your blood when you gripped the steel rungs of the ladder to climb up into the car that had just started to rumble over the tracks. You could remember pushing off through your toes, your boots leaving the rocky ground to reach for Kevin’s hand as the wheels that could crush you picked up speed just inches below you. It was the most dangerous thing you’d ever done, but it was also the most free you’d ever felt, the wind whipping at your face and your fingers as you went wherever the rails took you, the landscape stretching out for miles in all directions.

You looked over at Ryan, picturing him choosing a car in the train yard before he and his long limbs ambled up inside of it, could easily see him leaning against the corrugated steel walls with a lit cigarette between his lips and an open notebook on his thigh, jotting down lyrics and thoughts. The image made you smile. Most people would see someone like Ryan and not be able to look past the illegality of his actions, the danger he put himself in, the instability of his life. But you knew better having tasted that life for yourself. He’s a free bird, a hawk spreading his wings to ride a breeze. He was wrapping the shredded newsprint around the pine curls, fingers nimbly assembling a fire starter as he’d clearly done thousands of times before.

“So you just,” he held up the bundle for you to see the way he’d interwoven the paper with the ribbons of wood. “And if stuff’s wet, you could tie some twine around it, light that like a wick. But everythin’ here looks dry enough to me so,” he reached into the fireplace to nestle the fire starter under the grate, a few pieces of crumpled paper and some bark chips surrounding it. “Let’s give this a shot,” he wiped his hands on his pants and sat back, grabbing for the box of matches and pulling one out. You watched the head strike the phosphorus strip, igniting with an audible sizzle and spark. Carefully lighting both ends of the little pine and paper package, Ryan dropped the spent match in with the pile that you’d used before leaning further in to blow gently at the small flame that danced beneath the grate, feeding it oxygen and helping it grow. Lips pursed, he continued to supply the fire with air until he saw a splinter of wood from one of the larger logs catch. Satisfied that his work was done, he leaned back and looked over at you. “There we go,” his smile flashed in his eyes.

“Thanks, Ryan, that’s a really good trick.” You grinned back at him, all the feelings of inadequacy for being unable to start your own damn fire banished by the warmth from his smile and the growing flames. "And now I finally know how to use my fireplace." You laughed and shook your head.

He chuckled. “S’my pleasure, least I can do. It is a good trick, works every time.” He scooted back and off of the red bricked hearth and rose to his feet. “I’m just gonna…” he pointed in the direction of the bathroom and you nodded.

“Yeah, of course, I’m gonna,” you stood as well and gathered the two empty glasses that were still sitting by the window. “You want another?” you asked, indicating the glassware.

He smiled with just the corner of his mouth. “Sure, thanks.” He retreated down the hall and once you heard the click of the bathroom door, you let out a breath, looking around the room. When you left to go downtown that morning, the sun was throwing harsh white light against your plain white walls and empty white carpet. Now the amber glow of the fireplace illuminated Ryan’s bag and guitar case, his boots and coat. What a difference a day makes…feels more like home than it has in…stop it. You pushed those thoughts from your mind, reminding yourself that this was only temporary. He’ll be back on the rails, soon.

But you knew you’d never be able to forget the kindred soul you’d been fortunate enough to find. Wouldn’t want to even if I could. You refilled both yours and Ryan’s glasses from the growler in your fridge and set them down on the counter before opening the door to the small laundry room off the kitchen that doubled as storage, finding the air mattress and extra pillows that you’d bought for all the people you thought might visit you out in Colorado when you first moved out here. It was still in its original packaging. Least I know it doesn’t have any leaks. Ryan seemed as good a guest as any to break in the mattress. Pulling it down off of the shelf above the dryer, you took it from the box and brought it out into the living room just as Ryan came back out from the hallway.

“Hey grab those glasses, would you?” You called over your shoulder to him as you unfolded the navy blue full sized mattress, plugging it in to let it fill.

Ryan brought both glasses back over to the living room, moving to the wall so that he was out of your way. “You don’t have to do all’a that,” he said, motioning to the mattress.

“Yeah I do. Let that fill up, I’m gonna grab some blankets. Sorry it’s drafty in here,” you shrugged towards the large window that took up most of the front wall. “Old windows.”

He shook his head as you walked passed him, heading back to the storage shelves to grab the red and green plaid blanket. “S’more than I need.”

“Well, it’s what I have, and you’re welcome to it.” You came back out with the blanket and two pillows, tossing them towards where Ryan was sitting before checking the air in the mattress and turning off the filling pump. You took a seat next to him, wrapping your fingers around the glass he offered you. “Look, Ryan…” you turned to face him, struck again by his soft, warm leather eyes and the quiet calm that pooled there. “I…earlier, when I said that about needing a place to sleep and renewing my lease and all that-“

“Hey, I told you,” he tilted his head. “Just forget about it, I know you didn’ mean anything-“

“No. I didn’t mean anything by it, but it still bothers me that I said it and I want to tell you why, okay?”

Narrowing his eyes at you, he weighed your words. “Okay…”

You took a long pull from your glass and set your beer down before scooting over to the fire to give it a poke, arranging the now steadily burning logs into a better configuration. Sitting back against the wall next to him, you picked your glass back up and tapped your fingers against the rim before speaking. “It bothered me, Ryan, because that’s not who I am. Saying things like that? That’s not me. Never was. I used to travel, like you. No real permanent address. Guy I was dating, Kevin, he and I would pick a bus or hitch hike as far as we could, find a place that would rent to us for a month or two at a time. Even hopped a train, once.” You looked up to see his eyebrows rise at that last detail. “My point is, I get it, what you’re doing, what you’re choosing. I miss it… and…” you sighed.

“What made you stop then?” He asked.

It’s a simple question. Should have a simple answer, but… Another sigh. “Kevin wanted to stick somewhere and give it a shot, so… I agreed. And then…” you trailed off.

“Then he decided to go again,” Ryan finished your sentence for you, no pity in his tone, just understanding.

“Yeah. And I got stuck… after my mom… I lost touch with my brother and my dad and…and I just got stuck.” It was the first time you’d said it out loud, but it was true.

“Well, the road ain’t goin’ anywhere, Junebug. Rails ain’t either. You unstick yourself, you can get back out there.” He smiled. “Lot’sa people out there to share your music with.”

“Yeah…yeah…when I unstick myself…” you let out a breath and bit your bottom lip. “Thanks, Ryan.”

“Yeah.” He took a drink, grinning around the rim of his glass, a thin layer of foam clinging to the hair above his lip before his tongue darted out to remove it. “Just got one question for you.”

“Go ahead and shoot,” you said, opening your arms to indicate that there was nothing off the table. You’d already been more open and candid with him than anyone you dealt with on a daily basis.

“Did you have a road name when you were out there hoppin’ freight an’ hitchin’ rides?”

You gave him a quizzical look, laughing with a tilt to your head and a wrinkle in your brow.

“Lotta hoppers take road names,” he explained, lifting one shoulder and tilting his ear towards it. “‘Specially if they’ve been in some kinda trouble or if they’re runnin’ from somethin’. Oz was from Seattle… never knew his real name, and his girl’s name was Robin.” Ryan tapped his fingertips together, bending his knuckles as he spoke, eyes focused on the thin black lines and dark dots that ran up and down his digits as the orange light from the flickering flames illuminated his cheeks. “‘Cause she sang like one, not cause that was her,” he shook his head. “Never knew her name either. Oz wasn’t musical but Robin sure was.” His lips turned up, pulling his beard with them. “Played together a few times, Robin’n Georgie, Cowboy’n me, with another one’a their crew, Louie. Oz, Nikki an’ Kissie-“ he turned to you when he heard the subtle snicker at the name. “Kissie was a hit with the college girls.”

“Naturally,” you wrinkled your brow and nodded, drawing a laugh from Ryan, who shrugged again.

“Worked out for him, worked out for them- he wasn’t lookin’ for anythin’ and they were just lookin’ for somethin’ new. Anyway, the rest of ‘em would come and watch us play, look after our stuff for us, grab us some grub. We’d pool our earnin’s an when we could swing it we’d get a motel room. Stayed together for about three weeks before splittin’ up again. Longest I ever stayed with that many people, it was nice…”

“Sounds like you had a lot of fun together,” you said, taking a sip of your drink, the foam clinging to the rim of your glass. “Like you all made a real impact on one another.”

“Hmm, yeah,” he smiled wistfully, spreading his fingers out and holding up his hand. “Got these when I was out there with them.”

You looked at the tattoos on his fingers that had caught your eye nearly from the moment that you met him. “Yeah?” you asked and he nodded eagerly. You were always intrigued to hear the stories related to the ink that people chose, but everything about Ryan, tattoos included, piqued your interest more than most. “What’s the story there?” Setting your glass down, you pulled your knees to your chest under the blanket, hugging them close to your body for warmth.

“Well, these were my first,” he said, turning his upper body towards you slightly while flexing his fingers. You traced the lines with your eyes, stopping yourself from reaching out to trace them with your fingertips, noting the small black dots and the connected horizontal and vertical lines. “Got ‘em when I was 17, first year on the road. That was my first time out on the West Coast…think that’s why we ended up stayin’ so long, just… just mesmerized by the Pacific an everythin’ out there. The trees’n the sky…it’s different…”

You knew what he meant. It was the same sky no matter where on Earth you were standing, but the view was never the same. The angle, the clouds, the colors. You’d never been further west than where you were currently sitting, but getting out that way had always been a dream. “Where were you all? California?”

He shook his head, a few pieces of hair falling over his ear before he dragged the unruly strands back. “Nah, Coos Bay, Oregon. Little fishin’ town on the coast. Its-” you felt your eyes light up when you heard the town name. “You know Coos Bay?” he asked, just as surprised as you were to hear him say the name.

“Yeah,” you nodded enthusiastically, your own locks tumbling into your face before you mirrored his action and pushed them out of your way. “Never been there, but it’s on my bucket list.” Ryan fixed you with a quizzical look, clearly interested as to why a small town- though one of the largest on Oregon’s coast- that most people haven’t heard of would be somewhere that you wanted to see. “I told you I was a runner?” He nodded, eyebrows wrinkled, still not sure where this was going or where your interest in Coos Bay came from. “Well, Pre- Steve Prefontaine- is my running idol and that’s where he’s from. Always wanted to visit. There’s a bunch of memorials there to him and… I don’t know,” you shrugged. “Always wanted to go and see where he grew up…thank him for the impact he made on my life.”

“Yeah…you know now that you…” he scrunched one side of his face up in concentration. “I think I do remember seein’ a mural or somethin’ downtown with that name…sounds…s’a name you don’t really forget, ain’t it? Prefontaine? S’a mouthful.”

You laughed. “Yeah, sure is. So anyway, I’m sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt you.” You motioned to him to continue with his story.

“Nah, s’alright…but yeah, so we were out in Oregon, buncha young, dumb kids from all over the place… but it felt right bein’ together like a group. Felt like a tribe, ya know? Buncha wanderers. So Nikki, girl from…I think Santa Fe? She had a tattoo gun, wanted to get some practice in one night, so we all decided to let her.” He laughed. “Hindsight says we probably shouldn’ta… not guaranteed things are clean and sterile out on the road like that…we were in a motel that night so I guess it coulda been dirtier, but…like I said, young’n dumb. But we all wanted to get somethin’ similar…somethin’ that would connect us all even when we scattered all over again. Nice as those three weeks were…we all knew we couldn’t stick in one spot forever, ya know?”

Yeah. I know… You did know. You’d felt stuck for the last three and a half years and the urge to go was always there…but so was that voice in the back of your head, the one laced with doubt and reminiscent of Kevin’s condescending tone. You nodded.

“So we all got these lines’n dots… like places on a map’n roads an’ rails between ‘em. Got ‘em in all different places. Georgie got his on his shoulder,” he reached across his chest to tap his left shoulder. “Right where his fiddle sits. Cowboy got his on his hands… wanted mine on my fingers ‘cause that’s what I use to make music… shoulda thought about how I’d have to take a few days offa playin’ to let ‘em heal, but…don’t regret it. Robin’s are behind her ear and Oz went bold about it, got ‘em on his face, right around the corner of his eye.” The hand that he used to indicate the location of Georgie’s ink moved up to his face, pointing out the spot Oz chose.

I could listen to his stories all night. The way Ryan spoke about things that mattered to him was enchanting, like listening to his music. He put his whole soul into it; you could see it in the shine of his eyes and hear it in the tone of his voice. When he touched each spot, his fingers, his shoulder, the side of his face, it was like he could feel the connection to the people he was telling you about. It was like you could feel it too. “So do you still keep in touch with all of them? Do you get to see them when you’re traveling?” You couldn’t help but ask questions that would keep the story going.

Ryan nodded, looking down with a sniff. “Yeah,” the word came out more quietly than he’d been speaking just a moment ago, and your heart faltered at the slight change. Shit. I shouldn’t have... “Yeah, I still see some of ‘em…” Picking his head back up, eyes finding yours, he gave you a sad smile. “Nikki found a place to put down roots. Went to school and graduated. Her’n Kissie got together...think they’re still makin’ it work...but I don’t see mucha them anymore. Still got Georgie’n Louie, and I still meet up with Robin from time to time...she ain’t been the same since she lost Oz though…he uh…” Ryan cleared his throat. “Oz had demons, you know? He struggled. Drugs’n all that… been about six years now I guess. And Cowboy…” He stared into the fire as your heart sank further. You didn’t dare breathe until he spoke again. “Lost him a year ago...year ago today.”

Your chest tightened as though someone had spun the crank on a vice, that breath you’d been holding fleeing from your constricted lungs. “Ryan…” You’d stopped yourself from reaching out to follow the lines on his fingers, but this time, before stopping yourself even crossed your mind, he’d leaned forward and you’d placed your hand on his back.

It’s a special day for me too. That’s what he’d said when you’d shared what the day meant to you. But you never thought that this was what he meant. You never thought that he’d be hurting in the same was that you were, that he’d be feeling the same things, reliving memories and missing a part of him all at the same time that you were missing a part of yourself. You kept your hand on his back, and he didn’t move away. Your thumb swept slowly up and down over the soft fabric of his tee as he started speaking again, the vibrations of his deep voice rumbling through your palm as a log burned through in the fireplace. “S’what I’m doin’ in Denver. The buddy I was supposed to stay with… Cowboy’s brother. Reason he got stuck up in the mountains is ‘cause he was pickin’ up Cowboy’s girl Virginia and their kid over’n Utah. We’re supposed to meet up for a couple’a days an…” he looked up and towards the window, where the snow was still coming down in silent sheets. He looked back towards you and you let your hand fall away as he sat back against the wall. “I’m sure I’ll get to see ‘em in a day or two. Once this all clears out.”

“Ryan, I’m sorry about your friends…” They were too young. Like my mom. So much more life to live.

He looked down through his lashes at the lines on his fingers. “S’alright, Junebug. Got ‘em with me always.” He picked up his right forearm, rolling it so that you could see another small tattoo that you hadn’t noticed yet. The firelight threw a warm glow over his skin as you read the black lettering: (like a you or a me). “Got this a few weeks after he… after the funeral.”

You recognized the line. “That’s from an E.E. Cummings poem, isn’t it?” You knew that it was.

“Yeah,” the sadness was gone from his voice and it was leaving his eyes, too. “His brother read it at the service…said Cowboy read it at his High School graduation… I never knew that, but, it fits. If you’da known Cowboy… it fits him. An’ it… I donno, it makes me feel connected to him still…he’n I were so much alike…”

“He’s still a part of your life, Ryan, he always will be.”

“Yeah. Yeah… jus’ like your mom.”

You nodded. “Yeah.” You sniffed and sat up on your knees, moving towards the fireplace to throw another log on. Since Kevin had left, you’d gone through this day alone. Processing your emotions and memories, replaying conversations you wish you could have had, or ones you wish could have gone differently. It was comforting to have someone else there…someone who understood, someone who’s presence felt right, even if just for the day.

“Hey,” he’d moved behind you, trading your hand on his back for his on yours, the weight of it grounding you and feeling foreign and familiar at once. “We’re gonna be alright, you know? Just gotta keep on livin’ like they’d want us to.”

You brushed your hands together to get rid of the dirt from the log you’d added to the fire before turning to face him. There were only inches separating the two of you. You could see every detail of his face so clearly- each pore, every line, faint freckles and that one distinct birthmark, the patchy bead and every crack in his lips. You couldn’t remember the last face you’d studied so closely, or the last face that had been so kind, so warm. Despite the heavy topic you’d fallen into, you felt your lips turning up into a smile, felt your heart lighten. “Yeah, you’re right.” You sat back against the wall and he followed suit, leaning into the pillows and blankets you’d piled there. “You mentioned that harmonica before…” He nodded, a glow in his eye that was more than the reflection of the flames. “Wanna play a few songs? For Oz and Cowboy and my mom? I’ll grab my keyboard and…”

“Yeah, Junebug, sounds like a plan.”

The snow was piling high outside, the sky dark and the wind howling. You’d likely be stuck inside all the following day. If I have to be snowed in with anyone… I’m glad it’s him. You didn’t know how long you’d have Ryan in your life, didn’t know if this was meant to mean something or if the two of you were just meant to pass through one another’s worlds just for today, just to be there for each other in the storm. But one thing was certain, and that was that the man who was reaching into his pack for the small silver instrument had landed in your life for a reason. And who am I to question the reasoning of the universe? He blew a short burst of air through the mouthpiece of his harmonica, the bluesy notes adding to the warmth from the fire. No matter how long you’d have each other, you were glad that you were together for the night. Sometime tomorrow or the day after, things would thaw, and you knew he’d be on his way, heading out to meet up with his people. But tonight we’re in this together.

@something-tofightfor @its-my-little-dumpster-fire @suchatinyinfinity @thebbtongue @lexxierave @thesumofmychoices @songtoyou @traeumerinwitzhelden @gollyderek

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[machinegummusic]

machinegum | conduit | official lyrics

Kubes

Search me and all you’ll find on me is heartache

kiss me one last time and I’ll move along

touch me so i can start building resistance

how many times do I have to say I’m wrong

Leave me so I can stop feeding reaction

what are the chances we live to end up alone

I wish I knew where I could look to avoid distraction 

every engagement sneaks in a trial of its own

even when ends get met 

promises get to get broken 

bleeding your heart dry 

bleeding your heart dry

I see the tattoo on your neck

match the details of your dress

I see the vanities on fire

with your maneuvers to impress

I see the wrong boy wrack his brain 

trying to keep you entertained

I see the loneliness surround you 

with all your verdicts in the drain

make mistakes

while you can

keep your eyes on him 

but see me instead

lend your favor

your dime store favor 

you don’t have to kneel 

to protect your heart

maybe this time 

maybe next time 

maybe never

what’s a long time when you’ve burnt your laurels

even when ends get met 

promises get to get broken 

bleeding your heart dry 

bleeding your heart dry

and now the tattoo on my neck 

matches the details of your dress 

but all the intimacy’s dead

and complications start to set

I hear the wrong voice in my head 

say the words I wish I said

Yes all the things i wish

all the things i wish I’d said

lay your head on him

but see me instead

cause what he says in the nighttime 

won’t be true in the morning

make mistakes

while you can

lay your head on him

but see me instead

Atomized

make sure that no one

is watching if you’re dancing alone 

god forbid someone

should find an impressionable soul

here’s to your life 

may it be bright 

may you find love 

when you decide

Oh no, nothing is wrong 

I’m just dancing alone

atomized

I never saw this coming 

I never stood a chance 

I never rose above it 

now I’m delivered

make sure your focus

is drawn

where your thoughts are aligned 

god forbid someone should change 

your impressionable mind

my neighbors and friends 

say I should’ve jumped 

my neighbors and friends 

are good for a bump

a blasé affair

where no one gets spared 

but no one can pay 

enough attention to care

atomized

I never saw this coming

I almost stood a chance

I never rose above it 

now I’m delivered

what we could’ve been 

we should’ve been 

what we could’ve been 

I wanna show you 

what we could’ve been 

we should’ve been

I wanna show you 

can’t we just try it again

Sugar and Vice

I’m shaped by your fingertips 

the power of touch

I’m addicted to your form

of counterfeit love

I’ll spend this trial 

avoiding the bench 

bathed in the light 

of freedom outside

you knew what came for us 

you worked it out that night 

under the tungsten light

I’m way in over my head

your razor stare

go somewhere to finally be here 

counterfeit love

mount your attack 

just to come back 

muscles get torn 

when feelings return

you knew what came for us 

you worked it out that night 

under the tungsten light 

you saw this coming

vulnerable vines

you ask the wrong questions

but want the right answers

buried in time

you ask the wrong questions 

but want the right answers

vulnerable vines

you ask the wrong questions 

but want the right answers

E          T          C    mpty   he         offers

is this enough

to show you what I’m capable of

I’m bleeding from my head to my cuff 

staring won’t soak the blood

is this enough

to show you that I love you my dove

convince you that I’m interesting but 

I don’t know when enough is enough 

The safe word’s always a bluff

Time

casts your shadow

with mine

dead or alive

I’ll follow in line

rain empty the heavens 

rain empty the coffers

say say say say say say this isn’t over

I’ll get my nurse to turn me over and over 

when I can see in the dark

something ain’t right

is this enough

to show you what I’m capable of

I’m bleeding from my head to my cuff

say something dirty and snap out of it love 

The safe word’s always enough

Time

casts your shadow

in mine

dead or alive

I’ll follow in line

rain empty the heavens

rain empty the coffers

walking habits

I can’t believe our time is 

actually over

old bank receipts instead of 

love and devotion

I’ll keep a case unpacked 

and drink my tears away

now I’m a slave to all our 

outdated habits

program or deprogram 

listening to sabbath

I’ll force myself to walk 

just to change my pace

anyway

I’m alone when I’m around you 

anyway

anyway, you’re walking away

all of the secrets of a life we’ll never know 

gonna walk myself along

and all the habits of a life we’ll never know 

gonna walk my street alone

speed through this prism

musing through time

I hang in the balance of my biggest lie 

I’m thirsting for more

sounding my youth again

anyway

I’m alone when I’m around you 

anyway

anyway, you’re walking away

all of the secrets of a life we’ll never know 

gonna walk myself along

and all the habits of a life we’ll never know 

gonna walk my street alone

I’d rather keep you in my heart than in my debt

too much love to just forget

gonna walk away and look ourselves up in ten years

128

the more I am

the more I take

the more I want to be uncertain 

worry’s worse than being afraid 

regrets are choices made too late

I feel my breath warm as a prayer 

turn to ice as it hits the air

my old man in disrepair

empty shoes too worn to wear

don’t let me hear you say life’s 

taking you nowhere

I know that you’re distant now but 

some part will be spared

let me go

let me go now

can’t you see how far we’ve come 

don’t you wanna see how far we’ll get 

this old house in disrepair

the turnaround is yonder yet

how critical

as the pair holds the knife

only a fool would reason

with the devil in these odds

all that i am

all that i’ll take

regrets are just choices made too late

don’t let me hear you say life’s

taking you nowhere

I know that you’re distant now but 

some part will be spared

let me go

let me go now

deep red

heaven in ruin

stranded somewhere between light and dark 

hidden while you stand still

by the silence of modern noise

you signed your name over to me 

we dedicate ourselves to see 

how far we might try to extend 

where you begin and where I end

(memories are all we’ll ever have) 

I heard the future calling

over the morning light

this future never started

headlights carve out the dark 

distance starts to ache more than hurt

the bitterness of where we are

buys one more drink at the hotel bar 

phantom limbs left the door ajar 

where we end up is who we are

how much more should we have know

I’ll just keep calm and take it slow

the bitter tasting pill I had to swallow is 

you don’t lead but you never follow

(memories are all we’ll ever have) 

I heard the future calling

ever so long ago

this future never started

I did all I could do

the hand I dealt’s the hand that beat me 

I tried to give myself completely

but this is what the future called out

(memories are all we’ll ever have)

I saw this future ending

over the morning light

this future’s never ending

I hope some day I’ll get it right

just one time

persuade me

one last time

persuade me

cause I’m walking away

last time

before we go

I hope some day I’ll get it right

I hear the seconds 

ticking the day 

while the emotion 

washes away

I hear the anger

mounting to nothing

its just the next crest of the wave 

sing it in silence

act of contrition

fall back 

full moon

too much 

too soon

all your 

blue rooms

in their 

full bloom

and rather than suffer this torment

I would sooner induce this trance 

cause at almost the right time darling 

the floorboards move under your dance

and its right off the scene

where the man goes into the bathroom to bloody his nose

I can feel it

I can feel it

I can feel it

I can feel it

I can feel it rising into my throat

I’m bored again

so bored again

I’m born again

so bored

pressure

on your thigh

option 

paralyzed

and rather than suffer this torment 

I would sooner commit this crime

in a pasture consumed by bloated bellies 

gorged on desire and wine

and acting on false contrition

is worse than admitting the lie

cause at almost the right step darling 

the action detaches from time

and its right off the scene

where the man starts clutching his shirt to signal his arrest 

I can feel it

I can feel it

I can feel it

I can feel it

I can feel it rising into his chest

he’s bored again

so bored again

he’s born again

so bored

O Please

I’m not precious

I’m just walking around

digging my heals on thoughts about us

we were strangers

now we’re building a house

you look ahead like you want out

I’m not here

I just live here 

narrow plan

back door man

I’m not here

I just live here

I’m not myself when I’m around you anyhow

Oo

he said nothing’s over til it ends

some day you’ll get caught without a second chance 

so keep your secrets in your safe

with nothing but yourself

you’re gonna find somebody else

who can take you to the movies

I see windows that could 

have me in them

I see

stronger people leaning 

up against me

ah god,

I’m not precious

I’m just walking around

hang my head until I’m part of the ground

she’s looking at me

I wonder why

I grab my jacket and i follow behind

she’s looking at me 

or looking through me

(I don’t see nothing wrong

with you

coming home with me

No, i don’t see nothing wrong

with something that leads to nothing 

sweet nothing

I don’t see nothing wrong with you)

mother said I told you so

and daddy never cared

the strings that held us upright

were never really there

afraid to see my shadow fall

Oo

he said nothing’s over til it ends

some day you’ll get caught without a second chance 

so keep your secrets in your safe

with nothing but yourself

you’re gonna find somebody else

who can take you to the movies

city walls

your stare

a portrait of savoir faire

and I’ll wait

for them to catch their breath

and memorize your silhouette

along

the edges of your dress

where your surroundings shore like oceans 

washing up in our devotion

leave me

out on your shore 

breathless and hoarse

i’ll keep my promise 

and wait for your call 

these city walls

are your’s to dissolve

away

if only fear makes you stay

the vultures survive

on endings like these

along

the scratches of distress

where all our tendencies are clearly

marked to show who we are really

leave me

out on your shore 

breathless and hoarse 

i’ll keep my promise 

and wait for your call 

these city walls

are your’s to dissolve

(fading out here on your shore 

lying here breathless and hoarse

I’ll wait until dawn only so much more strength in me 

to keep on waiting alone)

Knots

We’re not the way

that we had planned to be 

on 7th and C

laughing at intimacy

the moment has passed 

it came and went too fast 

lightning never lasts

when I look at you

I see the sun in your eyes

I see windows through time

so much weight in your sigh

I wanna be in your life

but you won’t stay here in mine 

I wanna be in your life

we’re practicing time

as strangers tonight 

we’re practicing our lives 

as strangers tonight