#i have so much more but I'm capping myself off for the sake of not creating a whole ass block

[plasmasimagination]

hi!!! congratulations on your milestone ♡ i was wondering if i could get a matchup for genshin impact and honkai star rail?

if possible, i would like to be matched up with a male for genshin, but a female or male for star rail is fine!

my mbti is ifsp and my zodiac is leo! i'm introverted but i love socializing w/ people and i'm definitely a yapper 😭... i talk a lot to people i'm close w/ and usually type in all caps cuz im always hype like dat... i'm also vv optimistic ♡

i'm also the funniest person i know & i think i'm the clown of my friend group... sometimes i say really stupid things and i'm really reckless + impulsive

i have dark brown hair that reaches my chest and i have blonde highlights! i'm 5'0, my skin is on the paler side, and i'm on the thinner side! my aesthetic is soft & pastel and i love, love the color pink!! i think i'm really feminine & i love feminine things

i do sports and i love biology & healthcare! i also love drawing and writing & usually spend my free time doing one or the other... i'm really creative & i like anything related to art (music, literature, etc.) i wld love to be in the medical field & give others hope during tough times!! ♡

i don't really fall in love nowadays (i only like fictional charas lmao) because i'm young and i don't rlly the people my age :( i feel like they're really immature and that's okay!! ik everyone grows at their own pace, but for now, they're js not for me!

i want someone who understands me and who i can be comfortable w. i also want someone who i know isn't with me for the sake of being with me, but because they actually like me for me.

in theory, i really love the "i hate everyone but you" trope, but realistically ik it's toxic AFF and that's not the energy i want irl... but i do want someone who makes it noticable js how much they like me :( im a sucker for eyes and i love the thought of someone looking at me w/ a fond, soft expression that they don't share w/ anyone else makes me really giddy... i want it to be known that i am loved (although subtly) and i want to feel special ♡♡

i'd prefer someone who is kind of a tsundere and someone who isn't really into pda bc i don't like pda myself... also my love language is quality time! i'd rather be loved in private than in public, but things like hand holding is fine :))

anyway thank you so much for doing these matchups and feel free to ignore this one if you have too much on your plate!! you are so deserving of 300, almost 400 followers now, and you are so incredible ♡♡ thank you, again and again!

SWEETIE! HAI!! (∩˃ω˂∩)

Your matchup, go!

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AL HAITHAM

Okay okay I know what I might say "but alhaitham won't make me feel loved..."

LISTEN TO ME, YES HE WILL.

he might not be vocal with it but he loves you and shows it

He will always keep an eye on you, and sometimes just doze off while looking at you over his book

He prefers to spend time at home, with either cuddling you or just sitting together and doing something, since he's not really into PDA he prefers to keep his love to you for the inside

His love languages are quality time and acts of service

Expect a lot of small things done for you

For example you fell asleep while reading a book, he will put a bookmark on the chapter and cover you in a blanket

Tho all that aside, he does act annoyed with your jokes sometimes but in reality he's very fond of them

After you Tell a joke or such he'll just sit there silently, but you could swear a smile is creeping on his smile.

BRONYA

Similar to alhaitham but very different

Different from alhaitham, she's more calm and less tense

She enjoys your company a lot, and appreciates your optimistic view of the world

Also she likes the fact that you're so experienced in healthcare, she might even provide you with some good situations where you can try it out, if you want ofcourse

Because of her status I'd like to think she doesn't enjoy PDA at all, but what she does enjoy is private time with you, where she can just be herself and show her gratitude to you

[musette22]

Hi Minnie! I know you haven't watched any Marvel since Endgame, and I'm the same way. But last night I caved and started watching TFATWS for the first time. And honestly, the Bucky in this show is just... not Bucky? I think Seb did a great job with the script and direction he was given, but Bucky seems so out of character based on what we know about him and his evolution up until Endgame. I get that the events of Endgame (and particularly Steve's departure) would have affected him and the way he behaves, but like... he just seems like an entirely different person here, and I feel like they just really wanted to play up his sarcasm and 'easily irritable' traits so his character could play off of Sam's. And yeah, I enjoy parts of his dynamic with Sam, but again, this just doesn't feel like Bucky. I just feel like they destroyed his character for the sake of ensuring he and Sam were a funny, love-hate duo. But anyway, back to the point I was trying to make with all of this: Marvel truly failed Steve and Bucky, and I'm just going to continue to pretend Endgame (and the events that followed it) never happened.

Hello my darling! I'm so sorry for only replying to this now, please forgive me, I'm the worst 🙈

This is very interesting, if sad, to hear. I haven't seen the show myself as you know, so I'm not really in a position to comment (much), but I will admit that from what I did see of it on tumblr I got the same impression. Overall, it didn't feel like Bucky to me either, and that's not because Sebastian suddenly chose to portray him differently of his own accord. I think you could well be right when you say that for this show, Bucky was (re)written to maximise the comedic potential of Seb & Anthony's irl dynamic. And they are funny together, of course, and their dynamic is great, both on and off screen. But in this case, it seems that showcasing that dynamic was deemed more important than consistent characterisation, which is a recurring problem in the MCU.

And you're absolutely right about Endgame of course. Never happened. Never even heard of her. Sam is Cap, but other than that, nothing post Steve and Bucky reuniting in Wakanda is real. Facts 🤷🏻‍♀️

[fishy-lava]

Tag Game

tagged by @morathicain :]

1. Are you named after anyone? I mean I learned of my name via a book but I didnt name myself after the character specifically so kinda??

2. When was the last time you cried? in general just a couple days ago but it was because of a show I was watching. other than that the last time I cried for reasons unrelated to a piece of media was a couple weeks ago

3. Do you have kids? no and I dont want any

4. Do you use sarcasm? yes. all the time. every day. I could not count the number of times I've been called a smartass lmao

5. What sports do you play/have you played? I did figure skating as a child and I miss it dearly and I'm considering getting into boxing (not competitively just as a thing to do) but that's it

6. What's the first thing you notice about other people? honestly? the way they make me feel. I have very intense instinctual reactions to people but it's a subconscious thing and usually just manifests as The Bad Feeling when something is off about someone (not always immediate tho) if they dont set off The Bad Feeling then probably the way they look or what they're doing

7. What's your eye colour? brown

8. Scary movies or happy endings? I'm good with either but I dont like happy endings just for the sake of happy endings like they need to make sense for the story and characters otherwise it frustrates me

9. Any special talents? does the ability to almost always be looking when someone does something stupid or embarrassing count? I have a tendency to look up just as someone does something and my step mom likes to joke that I'm always watching

10. Where were you born? Oregon (U.S.)

11. What are your hobbies? i watch a lot of TV but other than that I like reading, drawing, painting, sewing, embroidery, baking, jewelry making and I've been wanting to get into metal/woodworking and sculpting and crochet  and basically I just like making things also I like puzzles and word games and I collect glass bottles and bottle caps and the metal tabs off cans and knives and rocks and this is very rambly I'm gonna stop now

12. Do you have any pets? we have a dog (my step mom also has a turtle and a lizard but I tend to avoid them)

13. How tall are you? 5'4" last i checked but I'm pretty sure I stopped growing when i was like 15

14. Favourite subject in school? i kinda hated it all which was really more of just an environmental thing but regardless it made it pretty much impossible for me to actually enjoy any of it but there were a couple classes I liked like woodshop and astronomy and I hated p.e. but I enjoyed getting to work in the weight room

15. Dream job? ya know this is a question that has stumped me like my entire life because I could just never think of anything I wanted to do up until like right before I turned 19 when I got strangely attached to the idea of working in a cemetery and it just kinda stuck ever since but other than that maybe a tattoo artist

tagging: @jumpingthesefences @days-of-storm and anyone who wants :]

[khaleesiofalicante]

now welcome to the usual commentary with my weird sense of humour

The little thing, which had been screaming and crying till now, immediately goes quiet in Alec’s arms.

i love how in every universe baby whisperer alec is canon

A cherry red suit.

A red suit with a baby blue shirt on the inside, the blue material just peeking out in the middle. It’s all very teasing.

i have the feeling its this one right alskjdkjkjkj he doesnt wear the hardness because alec already lost his mind during the photoshoot Magnus didn't need to lose his too

Alec’s blue eyes widen. Magnus sees him clench his fists to the side, his eyes moving up and down. Slowly. They look at the blue glitter on the chest, peeking through the lapels of the red jacket. Then they travel further down, at Magnus’ bare legs.

hes doing this for the hoe (alec and us) i know it

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, why don’t you fuck off?” Magnus asks, the anger spilling out of him. “Don’t fucking talk about power when all you’ve done is abuse it to make people feel miserable. And don’t you ever fucking threaten my husband again. Alec is going to become the governor and he is going to serve the people of this state better than you ever could. Make your peace with it or fuck off.”

He grabs Alec’s hand and walks out of the mansion angrily.

no sorry for my behavior but angry!magnus is hot, yeah i said what i said, protecting his husband and all that, sue me

Max is wearing a bright orange shirt and red t-shirt inside and green shorts and a purple scarf – and then a red cap for some reason.

fashion icon

Of course, that’s why he looks so beautiful and soft.

Maybe he wanted to look young and soft and pretty for her.

Of course.

SCREECHING HALT FREEZE FRAME AUDIENCE SCREAMING BOOING DROPPING POPCORN TO THE FLOOR magnus are you seeing this shit how the fuc-

He doesn’t know what to fucking do now.

a mood honestly

“I, uh, I miss the Chairman,” Alec says instead.

“Oh,” Magnus says.

is this what i think it is is this what do i detect a tablespoon no a can of pining????!! in this economy?!?!?! unbelievable

Alec pulls back first.

Because he knows if he doesn’t now, he never will.

Because he knows, it will hurt – just a little – if Magnus pulls back first.

um????? emotional maturity??? and angst??? in this household????

“I was wondering if you could tell me how to navigate this,” Alec asks. “I want the skills. But I don’t think I’m ready to go to therapy just yet. I...I don't want to do it alone. But I want to work on myself to help my family. So…what do I do?”

*wake up from nap* alec lightwood just sprout something very him and very mature and thoughtful for his family again i cant sleep because of that bitch honestly

“Because helping Magnus meant I would be helping more than one person,” Luca smiles. “I knew it the moment I met him. He is the kind of person who gives as much as he takes. I knew everything I give him, he will give to someone else. That’s the best kind of client. The one who doesn’t just grow but helps other people grow with him.”

oh OH OHHOHOHO

“I think there is very little Magnus wouldn’t do for you,” Luca points out, his face solemn. 

except for eating raisins i dont think theres any more limitation

“You said you missed him,” Magnus says, holding Chairman Meow in his hands. "Here. You can keep him."

what did i just say

“Oh, this is temporary,” Magnus says immediately. “I want him back.”

let this be foreshadowing let this be foreshadowing let this be foreshadowing- this may not be foreshadowing for magnus wanting alec back but i badly want it to be hhggghhhhhh

“Just when I think I know you, you always find a new way to surprise me,” Magnus smiles. “Don’t stop, okay?”

*chuck down this sentence into my brain like im dying and this is water* love this need this obsess over it

song rec: how to get the girl by ts. go get your alexander magnus. i dont idk i respect your decision but it would be cool if you do

OMG NOT THE COLLAR THING (tis sexy tho rip alec)

Thank you! I loved this!

Also I'm vibing to TS in this powercut while fighting mosquitoes so thanks for the rec!!!!! (I'll pass it to alec :P )

[keefwho]

September 13 - 2023 Wednesday

9:03am

I'm having the thought that I won't be able to focus on work today since I'm not streaming. I'm having the thought that I keep making things weird with people and thats a form of pushing them away. I'm having the thought that I won't be able to figure out what it is about myself that makes me believe I'm so unlovable. I'm having the thought that nothing I do today can make me feel better and lighten up.

11:00pm

This morning was the same breakfast as yesterday which was lovely. I watched the second episode of the Mia and Me show, it's pretty bad but I'm still intrigued by it. Something about it feels cozy in a way, something about it gives me PS2 vibes.

I didn't stream today, I tried to do my work alone. I did just about as bad a job as yesterday in the sense that I wasted a lot of time goofing off even though I did get it all done within the time frame I absolutely needed to. I want to get better about conforming to my schedule when conditions aren't favorable. I can do it fine if everything is perfect. I figure part of being mature means you can't wait for just the right conditions for everything. I mowed the lawn real good before lunch and also split some wood. It's one of my weekly workouts until it all gets split.

Lunch was beef stew with pasta in it. I played some HOI4 pony mod and watched some Chris Chan documentary. When work time came around I told myself I'd be better about it than I was earlier in the day and I was. I did the request and moved onto personal stuff, getting it done with much less time wasted than before. I had meant to make up for the 20 minutes I missed on commissions but I didn't do that. After work I booted up Starfield and spent an ungodly amount of time in the ship editor just to get basically nowhere. I might stick to premade ships unless I get some inspiration to build my own.

I had asked Daisy if she wanted to do something new and interesting this evening which she agreed to. When the time came to hang out we both didn't know what to do. I was down to pick literally anything as long as we've never done it or hadn't for awhile. I have the bad habit of not being able to settle on anything when I know any choice would be fine as long as I stuck to it. She seems to have the same trouble figuring out what to do sometimes. I want to overcome this so I can not only stop being bored but so I can also maybe be a sort of activity leader for those that are also stuck. Sometimes all it takes is that one person who takes the leap into doing literally anything to kickstart others.

We ended up searching around Roblox for a little bit and peaked into this horse game that we determined was pretty bad. In hindsight I wish I had tried to do some actual RP of sorts, that would have been new and interesting. I think I was too afraid to try at the time or wondered if I could even keep up with something like that. She also showed me some EPCOT posters on pinterest before she headed upstairs where we played Sky briefly. She was super tired and went to sleep while I played more Starfield which felt very cozy. It's not often I commit my attention to something like I did with Starfield tonight.

Tonight I was noticing how I try to conserve energy a lot and also try to do things in the laziest way possible while calling it "efficient". I guess in some ways it is but I was thinking about the value in deliberately putting no cap on my energy use for the sake of doing everything to the best of my ability. It also helps to keep me from overthinking because it demands a lot of mental process as well.

Today I had also forgotten all about focusing on what I'm working for rather than what I'm working against. It was helping a lot to keep my eyes on the prize but I forgot that already. Perhaps tomorrow I'll remember.

A good thing I did today was committing my attention to Starfield in my free time. I really got invested and it felt nice. Also the commitment I had to making something fresh happen tonight even if it didn't completely work out.

[unohanadaydreams]

As the name suggests, I'm always thirsty for the Big Guy 😉 I wonder how Kenpachi would react if Ikkaku found a piece of your lingerie in the barracks, but no one knew about your relationship?

The idea of Kenpachi being viewed as sus for fucking a 4th member fuels me so ofc. This got out of hand but I fully blame the energy IkkaYumi brings to anything ever and not myself. Thank you for understanding.

Features: smut (18+) at the mid-point, IkkaYumi being real <3 for the majority of it, and sub!Kenpachi (☆ω☆), also idk maybe some minor angst but like made Seggsy.

Kenpachi Zaraki x f!reader (and IkkaYumi...mostly them tbh.)

Ikkaku slapped the door open with loudest ‘OI’ he could muster. The paper of the door ripped somewhere along the way as it slid open, the wooden frame wobbling as he stepped into the room.

Despite the noise, Yumichika’s hand stayed steadfast as he finished smudging eye shadow on his outer lid. Another ‘OI’ sounded, but no hand shook him or foot kicked at him while Yumichika held a brush to his eye.

Glacial, he finished blending the color until he was satisfied--rinsed the brush--set it to dry. Through the mirror in front of him, Yumichika looked to Ikkaku’s reflection only after admiring his own.

The lacy scrap of undies in Ikkaku’s hand lifted Yumichika’s brow.

“I thought you hated when I wore those,” he said with a sniff, turning to get a better look.

Ikkaku rubbed at his bald head, “yah think that because I do.”

Yumichika gestured for the undies and Ikkaku threw them. “And yet?”

“Yet, I found ‘em anyway!” Ikkaku fell into a wide squat, his hands fisting into the fabric of his uniform over his knees. “In the captain’s office.”

They stared at one another, both settling deeper into their feelings.

“Ikkaku, you must be joking,” Yumichika said, holding the undies against his arm. “This color makes me look positively jaundiced.”

“You think captain gives a shit about color theory?”

Yumichika threw the lacy bit of bullshit at Ikkaku’s face. Smiling when they landed on his dumb, shiny head. “He won’t even let me do his hair, Ikkaku. Your delusion is exhausting me.”

“Then--”

“Yes, Ikkaku. Then, they’re not mine. And they’re someone else’s.”

Ikkaku pulled the undies from his head, squinting at them. “Huh.”

Rising with a flourish, Yumichika let the sleeves of his robe billow behind him as he went for the cabinet to rummage for sake. Possibly a new boyfriend.

He came back after a few gulps, offering Ikkaku the bottle only after giving him a sound kick to the head that sent the man flopping to the side.

“Hey!” Ikkaku steadied himself with one hand and rubbed where he’d been kicked with the other...undies still in hand. “Ya can’t blame me. No one else around here would wear that shit.”

Yumichika gave a flat look. Took another gulp of sake. Sighed heavily as he sank to Ikkaku’s level.

“Which means they belong to someone who would,” Yumichika offered along with the sake. “Someone from a different division.”

“Must be serious,” Ikkaku said, sake dribbling down his chin. “Never found anything in his office...ever.”

Yumichika kissed at the trail of sake and took the bottle back once he’d settled into Ikkaku’s lap. “That means whoever it is will be back. And now we know what to look for.”

Ikkaku grunted, shoving his tongue in Yumichika’s mouth before the man in his lap could swallow his sake, not pulling away until he’d swiped as much alcohol with his tongue as he could.

“That shit ain’t good enough for you, anyway.”

“I know,” Yumichika said softly, tone at odds with him rising to stand, heading for the door.

“O--” A raised hand stalled Ikkaku from pointing to his tightened hamaka.

“Fix my door first, dumbass.”

@

Ikkaku lowered from his tip-toes, a man afflicted. “No way.”

“I told you,” Yumichika said in a hiss. “Not just from 4th division, but a pencil pusher.”

You looked like the kind who’d scramble to bring an 11th division soldier any impossible request they bullied you for. The quintessential mouse every self-respecting soldier was inclined to paw at.

“Don’t look so fucking smug, Yumi,” Ikkaku grumbled, peeling off the wall and pulling Yumichika back towards the training grounds by the back of the puffed-up peacock’s uniform, right at the lower back. Yumichika had just gotten his fifth pay-back punch in when they hit the gate that separated captain’s estate from training ground.

Theirs might have been the only captain so enamored with battle that he’d moved his quarters as close as the captain general would allow. If it weren’t for the bullshit ‘housing codes and regulations’, Ikkaku was sure the house would’ve been on top of the large rectangle of packed dirt that served as the largest training ground in the entire division. 

Once they’d hopped the low wall, more meant to keep Zaraki’s house away from the grounds than to keep his underlings on the grounds away from him, Yumichika fell on the nearest bench to fix his uniform.

“Well now what?” Ikkaku rubbed at his side, knowing he was going to need to stretch soon or the tight knot Yumichika had punched into his side or even a night drowned in sake wouldn’t numb it when he collapsed in his futon.

Yumichika didn’t look up from retying his stiff, decorative obi but his face softened, “Now that we’ve been successfully nosy? I was thinking that new, chic sushi bar near the 1st. The one where all the wait-staff look just as yummy.”

“No I, mean--yeah, we’re definitely going,” Ikkaku said, his previous thought tripping over the vision of pretty smiles from androgynous beauties. “But, what do we do about the captain?”

“Well, I’m not going to say anything, but I also have tact. And grace,” Yumichika shrugged, fluffing the bow of obi.

Ikkaku kicked dirt and tensed forward at the shoulders, like he planned to lunge and attack. “I ain’t no fucking snitch and you know it. Don’tcha?”

Sliding forward, Yumichika massaged at Ikkaku’s tense shoulders, rolling his eyes. “I wasn’t saying you would. Just that you’re tactless. And might on accident--which makes you an idiot, not a snitch.”

“Damn right,” Ikkaku grunted, anything but Yumichika’s agreement sliding off his bald head like water. “Wouldn’t snitch for anything. But what if someone else finds out? Like a captain or something. We can’t kill one of them and--”

“Oh, stop worrying about it,” Yumichika said, interrupting and pulling at Ikkaku’s arm--he was hungry, both for refined food and beauties. “No one who wants to live will chance Kenpachi asking for a fight. Or that Captain Unohana; she seems vicious in a way more of our men should be. Such grace.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right,” Ikkaku nodded, letting himself be dragged off for sushi, sake, and sublime wait-staff. Still, there was morale to think about. No hardened warrior of the rukongai wanted to hear their fearless leader had a weakness for...the weak.

There had to be something more to it but Ikkaku wasn’t going to dig more into his captain’s business. He was more than happy to put the shovel down and follow Yumichika, even as the truth sat uncomfortably at the base of his skull.

@

You were weak in all the ways shinigami measured such things--swordsmanship, spiritual pressure, and kido were subjects you studied more than you practiced, let alone pulled off. But you had enough power to pass school and be sorted into the 4th division ranks, where you excelled.

An aptitude for medical procedure, surgery, and technology was what garnered you not just safety, but respect among your peers.

As for the other divisions? Well, you had some friends in 12th who fully understood your position.

Kenpachi Zaraki? Certainly wasn’t someone who could relate to you.

But, that was fine.

You preferred your men muzzled, anyway.

“Too bad, Cap--tain,” you breathed, stretching his title with your tongue playfully. “I was hoping they’d find out everything.”

Pulling yourself up, one fist over the other, by the leather leash tied taunt around Kenpachi’s neck, you delighted in seeing the muscles there strain to accommodate your weight and the need for breath at the same time.

You pressed your lips against his ear after admiring the rough line of his mouth being forcibly split open by a ball gang, pretty, pink, and yours. “Can’t you go faster?”

His answering grunt was followed by his body pressing into yours quick enough turn your teasing into moans. That’s what you liked most about Kenpachi; he was always striving to be better and exceeding expectation.

it would be effortless for him to put his hands on you without permission or rip out the ball gag, but he didn’t. Even when you met in a grimy bar close to the 11th, too drunk to realize who’s thigh you were toying with, his attention to what you wanted was surprising.

You panted, toes curling as he hit that lovely spot only he ever had, “H-hands on hips.”

So eager, he kneaded from the tops of your thighs to your hips like dough, obviously glad to be rewarded. You were eager too--for the angle. Your hips tilted upward gave him more depth and your fingers tightened on his leash.

There was no need to command for more, because he was giving you his all. And he kept going until your scattered breathing paired with the tight heat he was pounding into you snapped all at once, so intense that your eyes watered.

While you basked in the trembling after shocks, catching your breath, Kenpachi went still.

Until you said, “Sit on floor.”

The bed creaked and rose as he left it, leaving you to collect yourself in peace. When you rose to sit, he was kneeling on the floor, his cock hard and bobbing above his thighs.

You walked to him slow, nails scratching through his rough, black hair as you circled behind him. “Such good work,” you praised, “Just like always.”

Trailing down to the buckle, your fingers made quick of his ball gag, parting it from his teeth gently, and tossing it on the bed.

“What do you want me to reward you with, Kenpachi?” You asked him, only once you’d come to face him, your hand urging his jaw up, his eyes on yours.

“To get off,” he said, shameless.

You hummed, “then do it.”

Frowning, Kenpachi leaned his face into your touch. “I want you to.....please.”

The word ‘please’ was said slow, his eyes leaving yours several times before he said it. You wondered how many people Kenpachi Zaraki had ever asked, for anything. Let alone, with manners.

You kissed his nose, finding the almost demure behavior cute, “Then I will. Lay down.”

He did, his arms behind his head, like he napping under a tree instead of waiting for your hands to give his weeping cock relief.

You took your time, teasing him with sensation by spitting into your hand and giving him light rubs, again and again until his hips lifted off the ground.

The lacy bit of pink undies that stretched tight over his thighs, were yours too. And you peeled them off, throwing them toward the ball gag as his breathing grew heavy in the air.

Perhaps you deserved less teasing, but you couldn’t resist dragging out the fun a touch more, one hand fondling his tightening balls while the other scratched lightly at his inner thighs.

His breathing was catching on groans and audible ‘ah’s that had you biting your lip. Thigh’s clenching, you finally began circling the tip of his cock. Soon, you were giving him his first pump, slick hand trailing his length from tip to base in smooth, steady motions.

Straddling his thighs, you took advantage of the position and put both your hands to work, gripping him harder but keeping the same pace.

“Look how hard you are,” you cooed, hands pausing as your thumb circled the slit topping the bulbous head of his cock. “Do you want to cum for me?”

His, “yes,” was immediately pushed from his heaving chest. You hummed, so tempted to climb on top of him fully. But, that would be a kind of weakness you didn’t allow yourself.

Kenpachi’s lone eye struggled to stay open as you lowered your lips to kiss the tip of him. You rose back up and licked them as he watched, his pre-cum salty as it settled on your tongue.

You couldn’t call him unraveling under your firm, fast touch seeing him at his weakest. But, you were certain it was a kind of vulnerable he seldom experienced. Even his arms had come from behind his head, his fingers flexing around air while he struggled to keep them away from you. His hips began bucking with such strength that you were forced to tighten your thighs around his to keep your place.

Desperate, is what he was. For you to give him what he worked for.

And, you did.

His cock pulsed as you wrung his orgasm out, thick ropes of cum falling over his sweaty stomach and dripping down your hands. His moan was loud, deep, and reverberated through out the room like a cry of victory.

You kept stroking him until he was completely spent, until he made a sound almost like a whine.

“I need--”

He sat up, setting you on the floor before padding to the bathroom, and coming back with a damp cloth. “Here.”

“Thank you,” you said, keeping your eyes on your hands as you willed yourself to calm down. His orgasm had made you want him again, badly. But you had things to do. He had things to do.

What you had with Kenpachi was strange and tenuous. And your smug confidence drained a bit as you cleaned yourself and him, until you were almost unsure.

What now? You’d never even seen his house before this. Always in more public places, where you parted almost immediately after playing with him.

“You want these back,” he asked, lifting the ball gag and undies in one hand while pulling back the blankets on the bed with the other. The leash was already on the bedside table, his neck angrily red still.

If you took them, you wondered if it was all over. “No, you should. They’re easy enough to clean.”

“...You sure?”

You nodded, not so attached to a couple cheap props that you’d be wounded if something happened to them. “They’re all yours.”

Shrugging after a moment of silence, he gestured with his head to the bed, “unless you wanna take a shower first.”

“I’m fine for now,” you responded, climbing under the blanket, more confused than obedient. “Are you tired?”

“Enough to sleep.”

The bed dipped from his bulk, forcing you closer. He tossed an arm around you, so you could get comfortable against his side. You lay your head on his chest, eyes still open, listening to him breathe.

At first, you’d thought maybe it was all a joke. That Kenpachi Zaraki was trying to trap you into....something, like those men who feigned nice before using all their muscle to force you to bend as they wanted. To teach you a lesson for trying to dominate him.

You didn’t delude yourself into thinking you had real, tangible power of him or any man you’d toyed with, after all. Just something momentary, like a brief understanding.

But you felt less cautious as your eyes drooped shut and your thoughts circled around his intentions. He always approached you and asked, vague and gruff, ‘here good?’ And you’d find a closet or office or twisty alley that would do.

This time, you asked him. And he took you to his bedroom, compliant as ever, waiting for you to sprinkle nice words in his ear, for you to give him pleasure for being his best.

Drifting off to the rise and fall of his chest, you wondered if things like that meant so much to him.

[vanillann]

real or not real? (natasha romanoff x reader)

a/n: this is based off the hunger games because i just finished reading the books!! also a little badass woman fic because of international woman’s day!! love all woman, I MEAN ALL WOMAN!!

word count: 1.6k

natasha romanoff masterlist

As I finally landed, I watched everyone face drop once they recognized who I was. My brain felt like static as I took the steps to where the team was camped out.

I watched Steve Rogers, I think that’s what the file I was given said, stand up and look at the other members of the squad. As he approached I felt flashes of memories, or maybe memories, flood me.

“(Y/N)? What are you doing here?” The blond approached me but stopped a few feet away. He tried to keep his voice clear of emotion but it was useless, I couldn’t be trusted yet.

“I was told you needed back-up,” I didn’t bring up how the nice blonde woman, I think she said her name was Pepper, argued with Mr. Fury for days about me re-joining the team.

“Well you came just in time.”

By the look in his eye, I didn't want what he wanted in the slightest.

I followed him to the tents that were hidden among the trees, a shiver going up my spine when I made eye contact with any members of the team.

I could see old versions of myself interacting with each, but some felt so real and some felt so fake I couldn’t put them right in my mind.

One I caught the red head, Natasha, eye I felt my body grow stiff. She was common in my memories, some of her gentle and meaningful and some of her enraged with bullets flying at me. Tony had informed me that most of the bad memories are Hydra’s doing, that they were never real. I couldn’t help but wonder how true that was as she backed away from me when I walked past her.

“(Y/N) was dropped off for back-up,” Mr. Rogers spoke from behind me, taking the seat next to the brunette with the metal arm. I had spoken to him twice when I was in the hospital, apparently he had something to do with my capture and refused to see me more after that.

“Um, Cap?” Clint, or was it Carl, spoke up. He gave me a few side glances but said nothing else until he was pulled aside.

As soon as they were out of ear shot I watched them go at each other, arguing about who knew what, most likely me. I did my best to ignore the eyes on me, but I couldn’t help but snap.

“Have something to say?”

All eyes flooded off me, except for Natasha who crossed her arms and stared me down.

“You aren’t going to try and kill me again, are you?”

Her question enraged me, but I had no reason to be mad. I was the one who attacked, but I swore she was after me.

“I thought you were a threat,” my words felt icy as they hung in the air.

“I wasn’t before and I’m not now,” her words were just as cold, running in my blood like a river in December. 

“Look I’m sorry, okay? I have all these memories and I can’t tell what’s real or not, so yes I attacked you,” I sat against the log farthest from anyone, so I couldn’t hurt someone.

“Then ask.”

Mr. Rogers came back, taking the seat he took seconds ago and watched me closely. He looked more opened to talking then the C man that came back with him.

“Will that work?” I looked to Banner, the doctor who checks on me often when I was strapped to the hospital bed.

“It can’t hurt,” he shrugged his shoulder and continued to look around the group. They spoke with their eyes and I couldn’t help but wonder would the old me under their silent conversation.

“I was a part of your group, real or not real?”

“Real,” Rogers spoke up, nodding to each member as if to tell them it was okay, but I couldn’t be sure of that.

I nodded, letting the fake and real memories flood me within every inch of my brain. I had enough questions to keep them up all night.

“I was kidnapped in my sleep by Hydra, real or not real?”

“Real,” the man with the metal arm spoke this time, giving me the nod this time and I felt as if he was letting me join their secret conversation.

“It was a few months ago, we couldn’t get to you in time,” Banner filled me in more.

I could vaguely remember the screaming and the way my bed-sheets felt that night, but everything else was slightly blurry.

“Natasha tried to kill me, real or not real?”

“Not real,” she was quick to set me straight, giving me a look I couldn’t read but I didn’t mind it, not when it was coming from her.

She was the only person being straight with me, not jumping around the conversation that I needed to have for my sake.

“You’re favorite color is Orange, real or not real?” I didn’t take my eyes off her, the conversation felt so intimate even if everyone was watching.

“Yes, and yours in red because you say it reminds you of my hair,” she looked to her hands, rubbing them up and down the side of her thighs.

“Okay,” I nodded as I absorbed the information about myself, the first piece of information I’ve heard that wasn’t in a file.

“I think we should start getting some sleep, we have a long day ahead,” Rogers pointed to his tent, his voice soft yet firm.

Nobody disagrees, each telling the other goodnight while I got head titles and I'm waves. The only people to tell me goodnight were Rogers and his friend, who I think was named James but I remembered his face clearly now.

I was once his friend too.

I didn’t move from my log, I couldn’t sleep much anyways and I couldn’t be shoved into a tent alone and expected not to go crazy. I said nothing as Natasha moved a few logs closer to me, staring at the ground as she waited.

“Anymore questions?”

“Plenty, but do you have the answers?” I ducked my head, hoping to get a glimpse of her eyes but I was memorized when I did.

Her face flashed over my brain, the same red but straighter and her eye shined under a street lamp. Her lips were as soft as hotel pillows and her touch was like magic as it ghosted over my shoulder.

She looked like magic before the sight was gone and I watched her slightly dirty hair hang in her eye, that wasn't as bright, and the memories started to fog again.

“You kissed me, real or not real?”

The silent felt like screaming as she chewed on her bottom lip, waiting for her words to work.

“Real.”

It wasn’t as confident as her words before, but it felt so much more honest than anything I remembered.

“How did I think you wanted to kill me then?”

“Hydra turned all your memories of me to shit, all the ones they knew about,” she rolled something in-between her finger and I wanted to ask but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

“Do you remember any good ones?”

She held back a laugh, finally looking up from the ground to me with a sad smile stretch on her lips.

“Plenty,” she nodded, going back to the object in her hand.

“Tell me about them, please?”

The ‘please’ sounded so desperate in my head, but it seemed to bring her ease as she moved her body to face me.

“We used to window shop like crazy together,” she looked up at my confused face and continued, “it’s like walking around and looking at stuff you’ll never buy.”

The memories of walking on a sidewalk with her filled me up, the feeling of gentle flowers brushed against my skin filled me.

“Then one time, after we kissed, you pulled me into this antique store and told me to pick something. We argued about it for ten minutes before you gave me this look I could never say no to, so I grabbed the closet thing and told you it’s what I wanted. It was the locket, I hate wearing it because it's so big so I keep it in my pocket,” she held out the locket in question, waiting for me to draw closer and once I did she opened it.

Inside was a photo of me, rolling my eyes at the camera but a hint of a smile on my lips. I looked so content for someone rolling their eyes, I wonder if I always like that.

“You were, never took many things seriously,” I didn’t realize I spoke out loud, but I was glad I did when she almost laughed at the memories.

That when it started to really hit me, not just the memories but the feelings. They laughs and the jokes, and all the inbetweens. I didn’t really know what I was saying, not for a while, but I couldn’t stop myself.

“You love me, real or not real?”

Her answer wasn’t hesitate, even with the same pause, she knew as soon as I asked she just wasn’t ready to say it.

“Real,” her voice was barely above a whisper but I heard it.

I wanted to respond with ‘me too’ or something along the lines, but my answer was much more complex and I couldn’t only hope she understood.

“I think the old me loved you back, from how I feel when I think of the little things, and I can only hope the new me can remember why.”

I was scared when she said nothing, as if I made an impossible situation worse, but when she looked up at me her eyes twinkled again and her hair appeared redder.

“Let me know when you do?”

“You’ll be the first to know, Nat.”

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[viatagrinner]

Our new beginning. Kagemaru

Key: thoughts, narration, speech

The heroine and Oboro bought dango and return to hideout the Senkitai.

Oboro grinning at MC mischievously:

"But are you sure I'm the one you should've asked to go with you?"

МC: What do you mean?

Oboro: Wouldn't you preferred, say... Kagemaru? He is kind of your boyfriend.

(Is that how the rest of the Senkitai see us?)

МС: Mmm, how should I put it?

If I'm completely honest, my relationship with Kagemaru is still a bit of a mystery to me.

(Somehow we've kissed, but we've never outright admitted how we feel about each other. I just can't tell what that guy is thinking.)

MC: See, he's not exactly my boyfriend…

Oboro: Huh? But Kagemaru himself said you guys are dating.

МС: That was just a tactic to ensure I'd be able to come and go around here without any questions being asked. I mean, there are still Ayakashi who can't stand human coming and going as they please.

Oboro: You sure about that? You really sure?

Oboro pouts, looking dissatisfied.

Oboro: I think you really caught Kagemaru's eye, MC.

MC: What?

Oboro: He's the kind of guy who knows what he wants. If he didn't actually like you, he wouldn't call you 'his girl' even for the sake of a lie.

(You think?)

A feeling of warmth blossoms within my chest.

Oboro: You're a great catch, Airi. You should be more confident in yourself.

Oboro declares, his gaze moving toward my hair: Oh yeah, that ribbon you're wearing is different from the one you usually wear.

MC: Oh, uh. Yeah, I bought it a little while ago.

Oboro: It's really pretty. Now Kagemaru's bound to fall in love with you all over again, huh?

MC: Th-That's not why I bought it!

Half-amused, half-frustrated by Oboro's comments, the two of us arrive at the Senkitai's hideout. We head underground and Oboro begins to lead me toward his room. Along the way, we run into a familiar face.

Oboro: Oh, Kagemaru.

Kagemaru: ......

My eyes meet his and for a second he looks startled.

Kagemaru: "Back again, are ya?"

(Same old, same old. )

Oboro: Huh? Kagemaru! What kind of way to speak to your girlfriend is that? Look, she came all the way over here just to see you---

Mc: A-And that's enough outta you, Oboro! Shall we be on our way?

Hiding my disappointment, I urge Oboro along.

Kagemaru: Oi.

To my shock, Kagemaru grabs my shoulder and pulls me closer to him.

MC: Um?

Kagemaru: .......

We're mere inches apart, his hand reaching toward my cheeks.

(What's going on? In the middle of a hallway? Really?)

His hand brushes past my cheeks and continues to reach for my ribbon, undoing it with a rustle.

Kagemaru: What're ya wearin' somethin' as scruffy as this for?

MC: Come again?

Kagemaru: Yer supposed to be the boss' girl 'round these parts. If yer comin' to see me, ya can at least dress the part.

(What's wrong with my ribbon? Meanie ).

Embarrassed at mistaking his gesture for even a second, I blush red.

Kagemaru: Guess ya don't give me much of a choice. I'll go get---

MC: .......

Filled with a rage I can't quite understand, I push him away as hard as I can.

Kagemaru: !

MC: Sorry, Oboro. I'm going home.

Oboro: W-Wait!

I ignore Oboro's pleas for me to stay and head straight back outside again, leaving them both behind me.

•••••••Flashback•••••••

Several days later.

(Oh, that hairpin is beautiful!)

During a shopping trip in Asakusa, a hairpin on display in front of a store catches my eye.

(It's really stunning. There's something special about it.)

I instinctively draw closer for a better look, the display having caught my full attention.

(They're so pretty and sophisticated. No way anyone would ever call them scruffy.)

•••••Flashback•••••

Kagemaru: Yer supposed to be the boss' girl 'round these parts. If yer comin' to see me, ya can at least dress the part.

•••••End Flashback•••••

(Looks like what he said about me is still on my mind.)

A mixture of frustration and anger welling up inside of me, I bite my lip.

Man: ......

I sense someone approaching my side - out of the corner of my eye it appears to be a man wearing a cap.

Man: ......

(Wait!)

He snatches one of the hairpins and quickly scarpers.

(A thief?!)

Mc: W-Wait!

Bewildered by what I just witnessed, I go to chase after him.

Man: Hey, you're in my way!

Man: !?

A woman adorned in a kimono grabs him by the arm, twisting it.

Man: That hurts!

Yuzuru: My, what a gorgeous hairpin.

Catching a glimpse of the hairpin the man is clinging onto, Yuzuru beams.

Yuzuru: And yet it seems so wasted on a scruffy old pickpocket like you.

Passersby take note of the scene and come to a halt, raising their protests.

Onlooker 1: Hey!

Onlooker 2: You get'em, Ma'am!

(She's so cool!)

Not long afterward, the thief is taken in by the police and dragged away.

Hairpin Shopkeeper: Thanks a million, Yuzuru. That guy's a thief who's been stealing what he can from around here lately. I don't know how many times he's targeted my shop.

Yuzuru: As if I could stand the thought of such a gorgeous hairpin in the hands of a slimy creep like that.

Yuzuru goes to hand back the hairpin, but the shopkeeper shakes her head: No, I want you to have it. Consider it my thanks.

Yuzuru: My! You sure about that?

Hairpin Shopkeeper: It's the least I can offer! Considering what you just did for me.

Yuzuru: …Very well. Don't mind if I do.

Yuzuru thanks the shopkeeper, then turns toward me with a smile on her face.

Yuzuru: .....

Several moments later, I'm leaving the shop with Yuzuru - or rather, Kagemaru dressed as his alter ego.

MC:  Um, are you heading to work?

Yuzuru: Oh, not today. I'm in town to pick up a little rouge for my lips.

(She's a million miles away from Kagemaru!)

(Also, I didn't realize she was still entertaining people as a geisha.)

I'm so shocked by the transformation that I'm practically lost for words.

Bar Goer 1: Hey, you two pretty ladies over there!

Two men call out to us from a nearby stall, raising their drinks at us.

MC: Um. Yuzuru…

Bar Goer 1: Whoa, you two really are something.

Bar Goer 2: What do you say we buy you a drink?

With that, Yuzuru suddenly grabs my arm.

Yuzuru: Read the room, boys.

She pulls me up against her, making sure the two men get a bird's eye view of the situation.

(Whoa!)

Bar Goer 2: Wait! What?

Yuzuru: Can't you tell? We're having plenty of fun just the two of us. And we don't need any men around to interfere.

Bar Goer 1: ...Huh?

Yuzuru: Shall we?

Yuzuru and I pass by the bewildered men, still arm in arm.

(When I first laid eyes on Yuzuru, I was struck by how beautiful she was.)

I can feel my heart start to thump as we walk along together, still pressed right up against one another.

(Yuzuru's the perfect definition of a girl crush. She's so cool and gorgeous you can't help but fall for her!)

(I mean, I know she's really Kagemaru on the inside, but still!)

(I can't even tell if it's Yuzuru or Kagemaru making my heart flutter this much anymore.)

(But I like it.)

(I hope we can stay like this for a bit longer.)

Yuzuru: Sorry about that, Miss.

When the two men are no longer in sight, Yuzuru finally goes to let go of me.

MC: Wait, um!

I keep my arm wrapped around hers and squeeze, not letting her do so.

MС: There's somewhere I'd like to go with you!

I job a finger toward the same Japanese sweets parlor that Oboro and I visited the other day.

Yuzuru: Hah?

Yuzuru: Why'd ya want me to---

For a second, Kagemaru slips back into his usual self, but, conscious of passersby, quickly clams up.

MC: You don't have work today, right? So you can spend some time with me!

I take Yuzuru's hand and start to lead her into the sweets parlor.

We take a seat and I excitedly pour over the menu.

Yuzuru: .....

Yuzuru: …Someone looks like they're having a good time.

(Ah. She might be mad.)

MC: Well, it's not every day a chance like this comes along...

Yuzuru: …I suppose.

At first, there's a slight hint of irritation in Kagemaru's eyes.

Shopkeeper: Here you go!

Yuzuru: Thanks, doll.

Yuzuru aims a dazzling smile at the shopkeeper as they deliver our sweets.

(Yuzuru really is stunning.)

(Boy, girl, it doesn't even matter. That kind of beauty is ethereal.)

I spend an afternoon captivated by Yuzuru's beauty while enjoying the delicious sweets.

By the time we leave the shop, it's already evening.

MC: I had a really great time today. Thanks for humoring me.

Yuzuru: Oi.

I say my thanks, about to leave when Yuzuru grabs me by the arm.

MC: Huh?

Yuzuru: Ya made me go along with that act for long enough. Ya think I'm jus' gonna let ya wander off home by yerself?

(Huh?!)

Yuzuru starts pulling me along surprisingly in the direction of my own house.

(Is she walking me home? Is that it?)

I look up at her from my side and she stops in her tracks. I feel a rustle as she fixes my hairstyle.

MC: What is it?

Yuzuru: Turn around.

I do as I'm told, my back toward her, when I feel her undoing my hair ribbon and running her fingers through my hair.

I feel a rustle as she fixes my hairstyle. She finishes off by adorning my new look with the hairpin she received earlier as thanks.

MC: Oh wow! Thank you so much!

Yuzuru: So ya don't complain when it's Yuzuru, do ya?

I hear the faint click of a tongue and something soft brush my neck. In my shock I turn around.

MC: Um?!

Yuzuru: Ah well. Might work out for the best.

(Was that a kiss just now? And that smile…)

Yuzuru: Yer beloved Yuzuru will have ya trained in no time.

Yuzuru: She'll make ya into exactly the kinda woman fit for the head of the Senkitai.

MC: Train me?

Without giving me a chance to refuse, Yuzuru's face comes closer, her lips against my ear.

Yuzuru: I'll show you how to make the most of your feminine charm.

MC: !

Her voice is so alluring and seductive that I'm already shivering in anticipation.

(I can't let my guard down around Yuzuru anymore than I can Kagemaru…)

I tell myself as heat gathers in my cheeks from how intimately close she's standing…

Afterword:

1. The heroine's pansexuality is proven.

I want to note that MС used the pronoun "she" in relation to Yuzuru, although she knows that this is Kagemaru's alter ego. It's great that a girl accepts her partner as he/she is.

2. It's great that we decided to show Yuzuru. Now I am interested in the attitude of the heroine's father to Yuzuru/Kagemaru.

3. Oboro is the best family psychologist. When a 12-year-old child is better versed in relationships than adults. I think it's time for this boy to start a psychological practice.

4. A little criticism.

The relationship between the heroine and Kagemaru at the very beginning of the story was a little annoying.

I understand that the heroine is 15 years old, that in these years the girl wants romance and showing feelings.

Therefore, there were such phrases and such thoughts:

"(Is that how the rest of the Senkitai see us?) Mc: See, he's not exactly my boyfriend… That was just a tactic to ensure I'd be able to come and go around here without any questions being asked".

The girl doesn't understand that not everyone can or wants to flaunt their feelings.

It is clear that Kagemaru wanted to help, but it looked so toxic. In the role of Yuzuru, Kagemaru is more affectionate and understanding. He could learn from his alter ego how to communicate with young girl. 😄

Yuzuru showed herself better as a partner than Kage.

I hope that in the next sonnet/event, the couple will understand how to communicate with each other.

[astroismypassion]

Hey there, I love your blog 😍 your observations are always accurate so I wanted to ask what you thought about this synastry between myself & the person I have an eye for 👀 we both have each other’s Venus in the 8th house & Jupiter in the 10th house. My moon is in his 7th house & his moon is in my 4th house.

My placements are: Pisces Sun, Sag moon, Cap rising, Pisces mars & Capricorn Venus

His placements: Cancer sun, Taurus moon, Gemini rising, Gemini Mars & Leo Venus.

Thank you 😊 🙏🏽✨💞

Hey!

Thank you so much, it's really encouraging to read this, because it gives me motivation to keep running this blog lol. Some days it's very similar to screaming into the void lol.

Yeahh, I love spicy synastry questions like that, nothing is more heartwarming than a fresh crush (lol @ my ruler of the 10th house in the 5th house, love a good romance)

Yeah, soo... first of all, very nice, you found yourself a Cancer! I'm a big fan of them on this blog which has not been a secret. I'm two past crushes were Cancer, but as a Taurus Sun, I'm still an Earth sign, so sometimes there's lack of understanding, but with you being a Water sign, this is great! I find it compliments your Pisces Sun even better. Water with water is great understanding and acceptance!

This person is very stable, however, he lives for drama! Sometimes he gets sucked into it, other times he starts it! I'm glad that he has Taurus Moon. I also find it nice that you have Capricorn Venus and he's Leo Venus. Now, you would THINK that these two don't mix well, however they are both demanding, loyal, want attention and value commitment. I'm only worried because of his Gemini Rising and Gemini Mars. This person WILL make changes for the sake of making them. I advise you to get more information about his previous romantic partners/affairs, because this will tell you a lot. Cancers never forget the FIRST heartbreak since it sets them off for next relationships. With Gemini energy here, it can really go two ways: either he gets bored quickly, has multiple crushes OR he really fallen in love once deeply and has now troubles and trust issues with every new person. With Gemini personal planets it really like that, either they fall in love once deeply and are very hurt by it or just date more casually and want constant simulation in form of new friends, acquintances, people online, chatting with people online, new crushes. So I warn you as you are Cap Venus (and Cap Rising!) and I know that you probably really value loyalty and single long term commited relationships.

With Venus in the 8th house there is some subtle intimidation going on, however with such nice Moon overlays it's rather cosy and it feels like home. This person might be a soulmate or someone beneficial, however make sure with whom he's talking online. Beware, because he might have a lot of "friends" and they are all regarded as "friends" in his eyes, but those same friends might not feel the same and could be much more than just friends. Don't feel ashamed, awkward or too shy to ask in a straight forward manner if this person is seeing, dating someone or even talking to someone. You might save yourself time, care and effort just knowing that. Since you also have Pisces Mars and Pisces Sun natally, which indicates that your men might not always be as honest and might have other liasions.

@astroismypassion

[exfriends]

tw mild s*icide ideation

i'm so OVER the housing market and the adults in my life just refusing to see the truth of what the economy looks like to people who are trying to create equity

like, my cousin bought his home in 2019 before EVERYTHING exploded and honestly doles out the most useless advice to me in regards to buying homes but i feel compelled to keep including him because he is really good at fixing homes, and keeping him in the loop means i could gain assistance when i actually get something. but he also told me that there was no point in renting because i was just throwing money in a hole, and that i just needed to work with my abusive parents better. i literally screamed at him the day i signed my lease because he told me i made a bad choice and i was like "when are you going to blame her for anything? like, am i just supposed to get beaten and terrorized on the daily in exchange for maybe buying a house in a few years?" he was notably quiet after that but now in looking for houses, he just keeps telling me to wait and wait and wait and waiting is useless.

at this point i'm looking at a BEAUTIFUL trailer on a beautifully managed property near my current apartment and he's convinced that this is the worst financial decision i could ever make because i don't own the land under the trailer. obviously that's a risk, i get that, but what am i supposed to do at this point? i'm paying nearly 1800 a month for a 700square foot one bedroom apartment 1 HOUR away from my current job. buying the trailer would eliminate a mortgage for me and i'd be paying 700 a month for the land/water and less for everything else. he told me to get more income. okay. should i just open up the cesspool of "my job lied to me for two years about the ability to gain my license with the state so now i have two years of experience but cant work independently so my income is literally CAPPED at 63k a year if i can EVEN find a place that will pay me that at this point?" yes i have a master's degree but i picked the WRONG FIELD apparently to want to live in new jersey!!!!!!!!! and i'm a spoiled millenial for refusing to get a second job when a second job would push my working hours to nearly 80 a week on top of driving extra?? my fiance ALREADY works two jobs and i see how much it messes with him. i'm mentally ILL for fucks sake

and i got into an argument with my aunt about the trailer too because she thinks i'm just impatient and that the market prediction stuff i read about is nonsense. meanwhile she's sitting pretty on a 136k salary in a house that's already paid off. my cousin is an engineer and he's marrying a nurse. none of them are economically disadvantaged in the slightest and they're trying to convince me that one day the markets will just go back to what they used to be and i should save my money and just wait to get a nice townhouse. i can't afford a townhouse, they're over 300k within an hour of either my fiance's job or mine--unless i want to pay 250k for the EXACT same apartment i live in now (i do not).

i wish i could let go of my need of approval from these people. i'm buying the fucking trailer if the realtor gets back to me. it's beautiful. i will not let the stigma of my upper middle class family prevent me from doing something that will work for me.

but at the same time i'm sitting here like, what's the point. obviously i want to stay with my fiance and raise our cats but like, i read all the time about people who off themselves because they can't handle the direction the economy is going and like...i get that. i feel that. suicidal ideation is a near constant for me, it's like a little friend on my shoulder that screams "oh you stubbed your toe? you could kill yourself! won't hurt anymore :)" and obviously my life is OKAY and i don't WANT to hurt myself but if its not getting any better and i'm just supposed to accept living in a water damaged, bug infested, falling apart apartment for nearly 2k a month and barely be able to afford emergencies without dipping into all the dead people money i have its like...why the FUCK am i bothering to try and do better? i won't be ABLE to because people who don't live this life are trying to tell me it isn't real.

and its like, i have to take a second to acknowledge that because my mom, dad, grandparents died, i have it VASTLY better than many others the same age as me. for one, i have no school debt. traded parents for a masters degree basically, which makes me angry to remember that i hold privledge more than others (bc it doesn't feel as heavy as the guy who was just BORN into money, but just because i fell into state loopholes and got a chunk of change from a house sale doesn't mean i still didn't benefit)

i owe the government money every tax season despite giving them 1/3 of my paycheck or more, my job refuses to pay me what i'm worth, i'm being squeezed and drained for every dollar and it's like...what's the point if i can't get somewhat of a good life?

my life here isn't TERRIBLE, and my fiance wouldn't change anything about our living situation because he just doesn't see the problems. i'm the one that fixes the closets, sprays the bugs, tries to fix the air conditioning, shampoos the carpets to try to get the mold smell out from when our CEILING crashed in last year from the roof not being installed properly. I'm the one who holds the burden of shit not working and i'm tired of wanting something everyone else has but i'm not able to get for some reason.

and that reason being all the people who were born with money who think an apple costs 2 cents



[likesomekindofcheese]

Hello! ADHD-having girl here (you know who I am but anon Is comforting to me). I was just wondering what you think the queen boys would be like with someone who deals with BFRBs with their adhd? It's totally okay if you don't wanna, you don't even have to respond to this if you don't want to. It's just that like, I'm covered in scars and scabs that I can't stop making worse, and it makes me feel very very bad about myself. Especially the ones on my chest and scalp. It makes me really anxious to be in relationships and friendships with new people because I know at some point they're going to notice.

Please please don't feel pressured to do this if you don't feel comfortable with it!! It's not something that's really talked about much, and I get that it makes people uncomfortable.

Have a lovely day!💖

Hi there! I had to research what it was and although I have learned a lot about neurodivergency I am surprised I haven’t learned that yet! So thanks!

Also, if I get anything super inaccurate or offensive, drag me gently!

tw: mentions of sex

Freddie (in a platonic setting)

He loves to give you gifts like rings and clothes so of course you wear them.

Not only do you show him your appreciation, but you also hide your scars and the bumps on your hands.

But you get nervous showing him...

“Darling, it’s the middle of July- what are you doing with gloves!?”

So you take them off but shove your hands into your pockets

And he notices that you are hiding your hands so he would finally ask you what’s up, hands on his hips like a mad suburban mom.

Sighing, you pull out your hands. “It’s the damn adhd, I keep picking at myself...” you explain.

“Really? I was expecting a robot hand or something!” He said with a laugh.

He assures you they are fine and that you can always show them to him!

Roger

Roger is a wonderful boyfriend. Funny, sweet, caring. Always willing to stand up for you.

You were comfortable with kissing. Both of you were open about physical affection. But when it came to going all the way, you were terrified.

Not that you didn’t...you know, not want it (it’s Roger for heavens sakes)

But you knew he would see the scabs and scars on your chest.

“What if we just...kept our shirts on?”

“It would be kind of awkward, love!”

“How about we just...turn off the lights?” you insist.

He lets out a little chuckle. “But I do want to see you, love! Why wouldn’t I!? You’re beautiful!”

“It’s my...my chest...” you confess.

Feeling brave, you take off your shirt and show the scabs.

Roger gently traces them, holding you as you discuss how they got there with your adhd, how the habit calmed you down and comforted you.

“That’s nothing to be ashamed of, dear...” Roger says, laying down. His soft hair cushioning the side of the bed. He even reaches over and kisses the scars.

Brian

Brian I think would realize something was up when he noticed your scalp.

He’s a tall string bean, so you bet he would be the most likely to see something out of the four.

“Y/N, are you ok? Do you need a doctor?!” he asked, inspecting your head with his long fingers.

“Brian-uh, I! Uhm...” you struggled to form the words, embarrassed that you forgot to put on a hat or cap today.

“First off, I’m fine I...I just pick it when I’m...overwhelmed, or stressed, you know...” you confess.

So he makes you a cup of tea and you both discuss all about it. He’s very understanding and listens thoroughly.

He holds your hands and thanks you for trusting him and telling him all about it. He listens politely, nodding his head.

But he gets it. He promises to never make fun of you for it and thanks you for telling him.

Leaning over, you peck his lips. Both of you feeling a little closer.

Deaky

John I feel like would probably take notice of scars and scabs perhaps on your arm or a part of your wrist. Maybe he might notice something on your scalp or see a hint of something on your chest when your shirt shifts as you move.

But you seem in good health so he doesn’t ask anything about it.

He would wait for you to bring it up first. Eventually, you do. Both of you are watching a movie and cuddling on the couch, sleepy. And sleepiness brings a new honesty in both of you.

“John?”

“Mmhmm?”

“What...have you ever noticed my...my scars?” you ask.

He nods his auburn head. Sitting up more, you tilt your head in surprise.

“Really? Why didn’t you ask anything?” you ask. 

He pulls the blanket over the two of you.

“I didn’t know if it was anything personal...”

“My adhd, it’s a habit...” you begin, explaining everything.

“Okay...”

“You don’t think they’re...ugly do you?” you ask boldly.

He shakes his head and kisses your cheel “How could any part off you  ugly, dear?”

Taglist: @queenlover05 @seraphicmercury

[whats-wild-to-you]

ALL IN (Jay Park fiction)

[Chapter 8]

Fighting For Jay

There, sitting suspiciously close to Jaebeom, I spotted a woman. Giggling like a teenage girl, her hands somehow always accidentally touching Jaebeom's thigh.

That's my thigh! My mind yelled.

"I'm sorry, is this a bad time?" I tried to sound nonchalant, but I was sure my face was turning redder by the second.

Jaebeom, who up until that moment was grinning from ear to ear, stood up off the couch and put his business face on. "No, Ha Nee and I were discussing something work related."

Yeah, right!

I didn't know where the hostility came from or who this Ha Nee person was, but something told me there was more to it. And I wasn't sure if I even wanted to know the whole story.

"Don't leave on my account." I said to the woman who smiled at me. A smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

Fake niceties. Real mature!

"I've got to go to the broadcasting station anyway." She made sure to speak slowly so I wouldn't miss a single word.

Bragging, much, aren't we? I've never seen your face on tv.

With my icy stare I could've saved the polar ice caps and stop global warming altogether. I looked over at Jaebeom, certain that he noticed the tension in the room.

The right corner of my mouth curled upwards. A superior look filled out my face. I was a goddamn lawyer for God's sake.

I watched her leave and turned around to stare at Jaebeom. "A friend of yours?" An eyebrow raised, I strategically spoke when she was still holding the door.

"We work together!"

"Didn't look like work!" As soon as I uttered these words, the door flung open again.

"Oh, hey, are you busy?"

Oh for Christ's sake! I didn't spend money on a new outfit to be constantly interrupted!

"SsamD hyung, let me introduce you to the new lawyer on the team. I told you about her, remember?"

"Yes, nice to meet you!"

"You, too." I watched as the two men discussed something, but I couldn't catch a single word. When the other guy left, I turned to Jaebeom, sighing in frustration.

"Listen, I better go now. I don't know why you wanted to see me in the first place. I told you I wouldn't have any updates for you in the coming two weeks." To my satisfaction I sounded utterly pissed, my voice raised an octave higher that usual.

"But-"

"I'll call you when I have news!" Without looking back I left his office, determined to get the hell outta there as fast as I could. Outside, I breathed in the fresh air, trying to calm myself down.

I didn't want to think about why seeing Jaebeom with another woman affected me so much. I blamed it on the fact that I woke up too early and spent hard earned money for nothing.

What exactly was I expecting?

"Ah, shut up!"

"Who? Me? I didn't say anything. Yet!"

"Chase."

"What's with that look? Aren't you happy to see me?"

I didn't know whether or not I could handle Chase's bubbly demeanor right now, but I sure as hell wouldn't take my frustration out on him either.

"I'm in a hurry. I'll call you later." And I meant it. I really wanted to get to the bottom of who that woman in Jaebeom's office really was.

Chase hugged me briefly before disappearing inside the same building I stormed out of.

Jay

"Was Min Ah here to see you? I saw her outside."

"I don't know what the hell just happened." I said flabbergasted.

"What do you mean? Why was she here?"

After sitting down, I told Chase the whole story. "...and after Ha Nee left, Min Ah looked even more pissed!"

"Bro, you messed up this time!"

"What? I didn't do anything!"

"You said you and Ha Nee sat on the couch, discussing business? On the couch! No wonder Min Ah didn't believe you! And did you notice what she was wearing? I would bet all the money I have, she bought these clothes for you to see. It definitely doesn't look like something she would wear."

"Oh. I should call her!"

"She's going to ignore your call. Let her cool off a bit, maybe I could talk to her." I didn't like the fact that Chase seemed to always get to her first, but I had to admit he was right.

Min Ah

After I left work early, I went home with the usual takeout order. Sitting in front of the tv, watching some random k-drama had become a habit, a silly but nice ritual. Tonight however I couldn't focus on the tv. My mind kept wandering back to Jaebeom, sitting on the couch with that woman, talking about...work?

"Who is he trying to fool?"

At that exact moment my phone beeped, informing me of a new text message.

You're jealous.

Not a question. Just straight, hard facts.

I'm not. Just annoyed.

Against my better judgement, I still thought I could fool Chase.

Jay was really clueless, otherwise he wouldn't have-

It doesn't matter anyway! He's my client.

Min Ah...!

I threw my phone behind me on the couch, determined to ignore any new messages.

If Chase thought he could get something out of me to report back to Jaebeom, he was gravely mistaken.

But my phone remained mute, and for a moment I let myself believe I successfully convinced Chase, until I heard it beep again.

But this time it was not Chase texting me. It was Jaebeom.

[ruby3818]

I have something I really need to get off my chest that I’ve put off for years now but can’t ignore anymore. Under a read more so you can skip it and tagged #negative so you can block it. Maybe this might clear some things up or at least get my side of the story out there. Please read this before making any decision about me from what you’ve heard from someone else.

I am aware that Cap, who I used to be friends with but had to leave the friendship because of their controllive obsession with me is still saying lies about how I “abandoned them” in public forums. Even going as far as to ask my franticshipping mutuals to block me (how she knows who my mutuals are is anyone's guess since I’ve had her blocked for over three years now??). If you see her do this please stop enabling them!! Over the years people have made her feel ok to get aggressive about my very existence and tell her that they are “valid” for feeling jealousy. All it does is reassure her that it is ok to behave like that and not be held accountable for their actions. Cap does not need validation, she needs help.

I have begged her multiple times over the past few years to leave me alone and stop saying stuff about me on public forums but every time she promises to stop I hear from someone else that they're still doing it. Things like; making up stuff that I apparently said in a dream treated as fact, telling my mutuals to block me, saying that I’ve apparently replaced her, telling everyone that I abandoned her, etc.

Because of her I not only lost them as a friend but every single other friend I had because they either believe the lies or they're scared of upsetting Cap who flies into a rage at the very mention of me.

I really tried to help her and then when the jealousy, gas lighting, violent mood swings and controlling behavior got too much for me and everyone else who tried to help I had to do what was best for both of us and leave the friendship.

I've tried for three years now to be the better person and not talk about what should be our personal problems but it's just blown up in my face with no one believing me or wanting to get involved and everyone enabling them (which is triggering to irl experiences but that's another story).

And I do understand that maybe a lot of this frustration I feel is because of the pattern of people abusing me and then everyone around me forcing me to forgive them and be around them for the sake of their feelings leading to the same damn cycle of me being helpless and feeling like a burden for not putting up with it.. It just sucks that even online I have to deal with it when this should be a safe place away from all that. But I also know what emotional abuse looks like due to irl experiences and I know that this is not acceptable behavior. This is abuse. And the only way to stop an abuser is to get their behavior out in the open and have other people know what they’ve been doing.

It also really sucks that the whole reason I couldn’t stand being friends with her was because I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone else and if I did they would blow into a rage and yet 3 whole years later I still am not allowed to talk to anyone otherwise I’m “replacing them” leading her to tell any potential new friends to block me (Somehow she is finding out who my new mutuals are on Tumblr, Twitter and Discord and dm’ing them to block me which is what some of these mutuals have come forward to tell me). She still has that control over me and I’m sick of it. I just want to move on.

I hate having to tip toe around the fandom not knowing what they’ve said about me to mutuals. I just want to be able to talk to people and have them know the full story and not some fabricated story of abandonment or random crap I apparently said in a dream of theirs.

As for what they did in the past, here’s my side of the story and why I had to leave the friendship;

They would always get jealous when I talked to other people and threaten to kill them self because "I'm just going to replace them". It became such a constant thing that I couldn’t even talk at all in a public server without there being a big drama about it. They even ended up being banned from Specord for their constant harassment of me.

Whenever I would bring this up and ask her (or beg) to not get upset and let me talk to people they would act like they had no idea what I was talking about and say that my depression is making me think crazy things. Even though other people saw it and I also had screenshots I still believed them because (being mentally ill) I really can't trust myself. I've been gas-lighted by people in my family my whole life so this was too triggering to handle on a daily basis so I needed out of the friendship.

She constantly suicide-baited me into taking her back and then made every conversation we had about suicide and self harm. Whenever she felt bad about something I said to her in a dream or if I talked to someone else she would tell me happily how she cut herself “for me” because it was supposed to show me that she loved me and that she somehow deserved it. The constant talk of suicide became too triggering to my own mental health and struggle with suicidal thought that I had to get out of the relationship.

For so long they would make up lies about how I abandoned them leading me to receive death threats from strangers telling me to kill myself, people blocking me and all my friends no longer talking to me so it doesn't upset them. So in the end they still had that control over me.

They even told me in our last conversation (over two years ago) that they were right for overreacting over me talking to anyone else besides them because I "shouldn't be talking to other people anyway". They even went as far to tell me that they hated how I was "popular" and basically wanted to be like me whilst also destroying me.

I know that I could of been a better friend but with my c-ptsd and her own mental health problems it just became a toxic mix. The very mention of my name or seeing my posts or comments at all just sends her into violent mood-swings. I couldn’t handle being emotionally abused on a daily basis and I needed out of the relationship. And I get that they still have friends that care about them, that’s good! They’re going to need the support if they’re ever going to improve as a person and move on from this.

So what is the point of this post? Well mostly just to get this pent up helplessness out into the open so maybe someone might understand. The other reason is that I am sick to death of having to be known as the bad guy just because I tried to do what I thought was the right thing by walking away. I want to be able to makes friends and not have to worry about Cap finding out and sabotaging it for me. I want the hate asks to stop. I want people who I thought were my friends to stop blocking me because of something they heard.

This is a selfish request but I also want people to stand up to her for once and stop her from spreading lies about me in public and feeding her delusions. I want her to know that she can’t bully, manipulate and emotionally abuse people in to a friendship and that she doesn’t get to decide who I can interact with. But mostly I hope that by getting this out in the open maybe this might finally come to an end and we can both move on.

Naturally she’s gone and deleted all of her dm’s with me but I do still have some screen shots that might help people understand. I won’t include any dm’s with other users but my DM’s are open if you need more clarification.

First off her finally agreeing to tell the truth (which she never ended up doing evidentely)

She always worshiped me as someone I wasn’t and thought that she had to be like me to be a successful person but it ended up blowing up into a full blown obsession around being me.

She always said she acknowledged that how she treated me was wrong but she still kept doing it like she couldn’t control herself... I kept thinking that maybe her therapy would help her and we could go back to how it was before but she just kept getting worse with her obsession.

This was the other Cap.. the one that wouldn’t acknowledge what she was doing at all and would tell me I was making it up out of paranoia

These are some screenshots that were sent to me of some of the stuff she was saying about me on other servers?? She would always treat the stuff that I did in her dreams as stuff I actually said but, idk how to control what I say in her dreams?? I would never in my life say this kind of stuff about anyone??

Due to the pic limit I will include other screenshots in a reblog.

If you need any more clarification or just want to talk don’t be afraid to ask. Hopefully this can be cleared up finally and I can be free from her control. She needs to be held accountable for her actions and she needs to move on for the sake of her own mental health as well as for mine.

[secretsandwriting]

This is what won as well as responses to almost if not all the comments left.

After this I'll make the new one to go over some of the options you guys brought up to refine it.

Ok, so first here are the things that are done and will be in the next one.

Y/n will be a vigilante. (83.3% voted yes)

Enemies forced to work together (76.7% voted yes)

Enemies to lovers (76.7% voted yes)

Dating to stay undercover (53.3% voted yes, 23.3% voted its fake dating, thats always an option)

Fashion (76.7% voted Fashion)

People might die. (36.7% voted just not the batfam and co, 26.7% voted no please let everyone live, and 26.7% voted maybe as long as I don't like them)

Angst response is easier to show then to type out.

So now were on to the three questions where you could type your answers.

Things you don't want.

+ means there different requests I put together

Stalker ex boyfriends + SA and yanderes + Crazy ex + Allusion to s*xual *ssault + dark themes, r@pe, abuse, cheating + S**ic*de. It's a really bad trigger for me. If it ends up in play, trigger warning in advance.

First off, I don't really want to do any of these and I know I've done some of them before so I get why you're bringing it up. I'm actually trying to avoid them more now because its not the best for me to be writing them and all that.

As for the dark themes, its based off DC so I can't promise that not coming up as for trigger warnings, I'm not the best at them but I do try to put them before any part that has things in them so that's a given. But for the most part the only ones of these I see happening is the dark themes and those would mostly be the normal Gotham things.

Pet’s Dying, My pets dying lol

I mean, I figured out a way to help stop that so you don't have to worry about it.

Really gritty violence?

The nice thing about smau is that people don't normally post that type of thing on social media, escpecially if your trying to keep your identity secret. Also I don't like how I write things like that so I try to avoid it. There might be mentions of it happening but I doubt I'll ever go into too much detail on it.

SLOW BURN LIKE NO SIS I CAN'T HANDLE THAT

Well, since undercover dating won there won't be too much to slowburn.

If it is enemies to lovers, please don't make them too antagonistic

No this would be my favorite version of enemies to lovers. They may be enemies but they know that the other isn't actually that bad but they have pride so its really just petty in general.

IF YOU KILL THE MAIN CHARACTER AGAIN IM COMING FOR YOUR KNEECAPS

Jokes on you I took my own knee caps

jason being a whore

I love this but you don't want it which almost makes me sad but ok anon. I'll try not to make Jason a whore.

No kids: just everyone being young and living it up without being too idk domestic?

Ok, idk how to avoid making it too domestic but I'll try.

Anything you do want?

Having to live together. Cohabitation

Easy. I got you anon.

Titus and co as well as Jason bestie + bat cow 💕 + reader may be enemies with dick but reader and damien have a brother-sister bond

These three kinda go hand in hand and I like all of them.

Soulmate au? Secret dating?

Probably not soulmate au and secret dating would have to be a side relationship because Dick and Y/n would be fake dating. So I could do it, but I need another couple to do it with.

Stupidly cute fluff + happiness maybe + Some sweet domestic fluff is always nice :)

Already wanted all of these in it, so you three are thinking on the same wavelength as i am.

SASSY PET RACCOON LIVING HIS BEST LIFE , FAKE DATING where maybe ONE of the batfam still don't believe that they are dating and try everything to prove that they aren't which leads to Dick and reader to try absolutely anything to convince everyone

I love it. Thank you. However the pet raccoon isn't confirmed yet as there were a bunch of other options people put in so I'm going to have that one run again.

john mulaney quotes

THE FACT I NEVER THOUGHT OF THIS I TRULY SAD. THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME!! THIS WILL DEFINITELY HAPPEN

Flustered Dick, even if lowkey + Dick's ass

I'm combining these simply because together, they give me some great ideas.

y/n having literally EVERYONE wrapped around her finger (maybe one exception idk)

Ok, but really. This is a great idea. Everyone just loving her but one of them sitting in the corner like. "Idk man, something about her isn't right..." Proceeds to sip drink.

CAR CHASE CAR CHASE And maybe slowdancing in the rain

So these were sent in by the same person. I like both! I like both a lot. I just figured out how to do a car chase in smau so its all good!!!!

Soft, moonlit whispers as one of them bleeds deeply + Dicks reaction to love interest being hurt, badly. I always love that. + fluff, and angst (maybe reader getting injured really badly)

I might get in trouble for this, but I do like the ideas... A lot...

More action

I'll try! I've found it a little hard with smau and I'm not the best action writer but I do want to add more action so I'll try to figure out how to do more.

Anything else or is it all covered?

pls for gods sake, for my sake, for your sake, don't kill the pets

Ever since I got this, it was one of the first so its been a little while. I keep wondering if its a threat? But again, pets dying isn't planned. I should have enough to go for plot so that there is no need to kill pets.

A lil bit of CRACK just batfam crack in general oh and maybe BATCOW making an appearance

The only problem with batcow, is pinterest doesn't have many pictures of cows that look like they could be pets because there are rarely people with them so thats why batcow hasn't shown up. Since I have more time to plan this one, I'll look for more options and see if I can find any.

what if, and hear me out, we made it gay🌈? or, at least, masc fem reader?

No, simply because I'm not comfortable writing it as the main relationship/character. I've tried before and I didn't like it in the least and scrapped a week work. So If I tried I doubt I would finish it, if I did, it wouldn't be good because I would probably just give up part way through. So I can definitely do ships and all that that aren't the main but for some reason every time I've tried to do it as a main relationship, I hate it. Sorry!

it would be cool to have more poc or lgbtq rep

I'm actually planning for more poc to happen in the current one. I noticed lack of poc not long ago and confused myself as to why so there will definitely be more representation.

As for lgbtq, I'll try. I was planning on trying to have at least one ship or something because I haven't. But as long as its not the main relationship I can do it so that I'll at least post it.

kiss ily muah

I love you too! muah! I really needed this, thank you!

NO KIDS PLEASE AND THANK U

Ok, No kids and you're welcome.

If there is an instance of fashion, could they help each other get ready, and laugh and joke a lot?

You genius you! Of course I love it!

Nope everything’s perfect! love from yours truly fuzzycloudsz <33 + All covered + All good! + We good + That's all. I love your stuff. + its covered !!!@ cant wait!!! + All good

I'm glad I got everything then! Thank you guys! I'm glad you like my stuff and that your excited for the new one!

[fullmarvelheart]

Wakanda

Pairing: Avengers x Enhanced!OFC

Word Count: 3,000

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of violence, mentions of past trama

A/N: Welcome to Chapter 5 of Blue Starlight. I hope you all enjoy the story as well as the way I wrote the characters! The gif is not my own. All rights to the original creator. I hope you guys enjoy!

Series Masterlist

The plane lands and I'm almost blinded by the bright sunlight that reflects in off the tarmac as the ramp is lowered down.

Waiting for us is whom I'm assuming is the King, based on what Cap briefed us over, along with his personal guards. When Cap told us about the Dora Milaje, to say I was impressed is a gross understatement. I knew they were the fiercest warriors in Wakanda but seeing them up close, they're almost as intimidating as Natasha is. Even the Kingsguard looks exceptionally deadly.

"Should we bow?" Banner asks Rhodey as they exit the jet before me.

"Yeah, he's a king." Rhodey responds in an almost serious tone. Which apparently Banner doesn't catch onto.

As the Captain greets King T'Challa, Banner clears his throat and starts to bow.

"What are you doing?" Rhodey questions loudly enough to catch the King's attention.

"Uh, we- we don't do that here." The King says, somewhat awkwardly.

I chuckle to myself as the group begins to walk.

"So how big of an assault should we expect?" I go to answer the king but am cut off.

"Uh sir-sir, I think you should expect quite a big assault." Banner says pushing his way to the front while I roll my eyes.

Shut up. You don't even have the slightest idea.

"Thanos will most likely send one of his support ships, like the one that was in New York not too long ago. He calls them Q-Ships. He won't send his full army here, just what is deemed to be enough to overwhelm the forces on Earth, so the stone can be retrieved." I explain loudly but lower my voice as I get closer to the King, who looks at me curiously.

"How are we looking?" Natasha asks softly, diverting attention away from me, thankfully.

"You will have my Kingsguard, the Border Tribe, the Dora Milaje, and..."

"A semi-stable 100-year-old man." A new voice says walking up to us.

I take in a sharp breath and freeze. The Winter Soldier. Please don't let him still be with HYDRA! That's not something else I want to deal with today. But, he's smiling and doesn't look anything like the last time I saw him. He's not glaring at anything and he has plenty of emotions that I notice, just with one glance. He outwardly looks happy, healthy, but I can see pain and guilt still present in his steel blue eyes.

I can see it because I recognize it in myself.

As both Cap and him share a friendly embrace, I see Sam move into my periphery, though I don't acknowledge him.

"Are you alright?" He asks in a whisper.

I blink out of my frozen state and give him a tight smile and nod. As I'm turning back around, I see Natasha give me a curious look before turning back towards the Captain.

"How you been Buck?"

"Uh, not bad, for the end of the world." He says solemnly, yet with a small smile

I swear, this is the most I've ever heard him speak in one go. His voice isn't raspy from misuse anymore either. Maybe he's-

As if he can feel my eyes burning holes into the side of his head, he turns to face me. His eyes widen in recognition as his face changes from shock, to confusion, to anger, to regret, and then suspicion, all within a second.

"It's good to see you again, Blue." He says skeptically.

"You too, Soldier." I say in the same tone, brushing my fingertips over the hilt of a dagger on my thigh.

He glances down, catching my movements which freeze immediately.

"You remember...?" I ask softly, not knowing if I need the confirmation for his sake,... or mine.

"I remember everything." His piercing gaze moves back to me, his features stiff and cautious, waiting for me to make a move.

"Blue?" Natasha inquires, trying to lessen the tension.

"My ability..." My explanation comes out more timid than I would like as I move my hand away from the blade and give her a shrug.

Come on! Surely he's not more terrifying than Thanos! At least this one I know I can stop.

"There won't be any problems, right?" Cap asks seriously, after clearing his throat.

The Winter Soldier, or Buck I guess, says no. I can only shake my head.

"Good. Coms on and Rhodey, suit up. Saddie, I want you out here while we go in with Vision, incase anything happens." I nod in understanding as he, Natasha, and Dr. Banner follow the King and his men inside where Wanda and Vision had disappeared earlier.

I watch them trek inside while a knot forms in my stomach.

"You're nervous."

"Huh?" I turn to find Buck staring at me curiously.

"You used to make that face whenever the men were in the room. Whenever he was in the room." He explains.

I sigh and wrap my arms around my stomach while letting my head hang over.

"Can you blame me? This whole situation is something I was hoping to avoid. Plus, I wasn't exactly expecting to see you and when I did... I didn't know what would happen, or what to expect." I keep my gaze fixated on the pavement below me as I hear him take in a deep breath. Though, I know he was thinking the same thing as I was. "But I'm terrified. Like I was then." I admit with a whisper, looking up at him.

He hums, walking closer to me.

"What should I call you?" I ask suddenly causing him to snap his eyes to mine and stop.

He hesitates looking at the ground before back at me.

"Bucky please, Saddie." He says teasingly.

I roll my eyes but crack a small smile. So Buck is a nickname then. Didn't know he knew the Captain that way...

"Your arm is different." I note as I look at the black metal appendage edged with gold markings. Much different from the previous silver one with the infamous red star.

He hums thoughtfully, looking down at it with a small nervous smile.

"I like it, it suits you." I tell him sincerely as I turn away from him, not waiting for his reaction.

I walk over to Sam and begin to talk to him while Bucky joins us with a rifle one of the Kingsguard gave to him. Rhodey appears in his armor and things begin to click in my head as I remember Sam and Rhodey's hero names. Falcon and War Machine. Definitely not who I'd expect to be next to at a time like this.

At one point, I decide to sit crisscross on the tarmac with my fingertips pressed into the pavement and my eyes closed. It's almost like I'm in a meditative state. I feel the energy running through this city, running under it. There's an endless supply far below me, that I manage to tap into.

It's immensely powerful!

"What ya doing there, Saddie?" Sam calls out. I realize there's probably blue wisps circling around my hands or even arms.

"Recharging and resting." I say, distantly.

"Meditating." Bucky answers at the same time, causing me to huff and send him, where I think he is, a playful glare.

"Are you already tired, kid?" Rhodey jabs humorously through the ear piece.

"I'm a creature that relies on energy for power. If my stored supply runs out and I can't tap into a source fast enough, I have to rely on the power my body holds. Meaning, I'd lose consciousness soon after I'd start pulling from my own life-force. Thanos has an army coming for Earth, and I want as much power as I can hold." I tell them, still in my meditative state. "Plus, relaxing like this allows me to extend my powers beyond Earth."

"Creature?" Sam mumbles in question to himself.

"What does that mean?" Bucky asks curiously in reference to my abilities while talking over Sam. He still doesn't know the full extent.

"It means that I can sense when they arrive." I tell them, ignoring Sam's notice of my slip. Though, with that and what I said in the aircraft, he should be piecing it together soon, if he allows his mind to focus on it.

They don't ask anymore questions after that, and leave me to myself. After what feels like several minutes later, I feel a very strong hum of power moving towards Earth, and quickly. I call my power back to me and absorb as much of the energy as I can from below me, I can see the bright blue growing brighter from behind my eyelids.

"Saddie?" Bucky sounds worried.

My eyes shoot open as I jump to my feet, looking towards the sky.

"Saddie!" Sam calls, trying to get my attention.

"They're here." I say fearfully, not moving my eyes.

I summon an energy ball as I see one of their ships quickly descending straight for us.

"Hey, Cap, we got a situation here." Sam says while looking to where I am.

That wasn't enough time to get the stone out safely!

I prepare to launch the ball in my hands when the dropship pings off the shield, exploding instantly. The force of the strike is absorbed back into the shield.

"God, I love this place." Bucky says in stark amusement while I reabsorb the power in my hand.

"Yeah, don't start celebrating yet, guys. We got more incoming outside the dome." Rhodey warns as the rest fall fast, impacting the Earth.

I feel the vibrations from the impact rattling though my bones and my breathing becomes harsher. The shockwaves bounce off the dome, making me feel only the tiniest bit safer.

"Is this what you were expecting?" Sam asks, looking at me.

I nod slowly with wide and fearful eyes, unable to speak. Though, how do you speak when one of your worst nightmares is occurring before your very eyes and is becoming reality?

Alarms blare through the city and the dread I have been feeling for some time now, grows in the pit of my stomach to the point it becomes nauseating. Unfortunately for me, I joined this fight, so I can't back out now. I swallow back whatever fear I can and focus on the chaos around me.

After several minutes, the Captain, Natasha, Dr. Banner, King T'Challa, and his warriors come running out of where they led Vision and Wanda. Dr. Banner goes straight to where a big red and gold suit had been laid out as warriors rush out to the tarmac.

"You two," Nat gestures to me and Bucky. "Come with me."

We chase after her into a transport ship that is filling up with other warriors of the Kingsguard. I see Cap and T'Challa board theirs with half of the Dora Milaje. When we get in, Natasha stands up front with Bucky right behind her, and me on his right, like it used to be. As much as I hate the memories, the familiarity of a fight and his presence is comforting.

Sam and Rhodey take off and fly above us as we all head towards the front line while we begin to merge with other ships on the way.

"How we looking, Bruce?" Natasha asks through the coms.

"Yeah, I think I'm getting the hang of it." I hear what sounds like rockets through my ear piece and cringe at the loudness "Wow! This is amazing man. It's like being the Hulk without actually..." His loud enthusiastic voice is cut short as I hear him fall.

I try to stop myself from giggling at him but can't help but slightly laugh out loud when I hear Bucky's chuckles beside me.

"I'm ok, I'm ok." I hear, but before I smile again, I actually notice just how many of the dropships there are... and just how big they look from here. I've never seen them in person, just heard stories.

My stomach lurches at the sight. There will be so many. Can we even win this?

"I've got two heat signatures breaking through the tree line." Rhodey calls out.

I move forward slightly, in hopes of recognizing which two of the puppets Thanos sent here. Bucky gently grabs my arm, snapping me out of my head, and gives me a questioning look. I move back to his side but keep my eyes set on the edge of the dome in front of me, not looking at Bucky. I'm not sure if I'd be able to hide my fear if I do. Rhodey and Sam do a fly over as they begin to circle back around.

The Captain, King T'Challa, and the Dora Milaje pile out of a transport. My transport group follows and Natasha, Bucky, and I merge with them. One of the legions begins to chant as we move forward. Though I can't distinguish the words over the sound of my blood pumping in my ears. Natasha comes up next to me and gives me a small assuring smile. I try my best to do the same, though I'm sure it's more of a grimace. We form a line and I finally spot the two of the Black Order that Thanos sent. I scowl and clench my fists at the sight and memory of those two.

"Do you think there's any chance of surrender?" Natasha muses.

"No, it's not the way of the Black Order." I say with a slight growl.

"Well, there's always a chance." Captain says, but it's not reassuring.

He looks at me and motions for me to follow as him, Natasha, and King T'Challa start to walk in the direction of the dome's edge. I swallow the lump in my throat and proceed to fall into line with them.

Cull Obsidian and Proxima Midnight become clearer the closer we move to them, and I try to push back my fear again. While Cull stands several feet tall than the other, with a much broader stance and deadlier appearing body and weapon, it's Proxima I fear the most. This sight of the midnight blue and black hair, brown horns, black and blue war paint, and lifeless grey eyes that make me tremble slightly. Proxima drags her sword along the dome's edge, almost hypnotized by it, watching the power crackle along her blade. She finally stops when we're at the edge, only separated by the dome.

Cull and Proxima snarl once they set their eyes on me and my lip twitches up in annoyance.

"Where's your other friend?" Natasha quips, and I have no idea which other one she's referring to.

"You will pay for his life with yours." Proxima says in the most emotionless tone I've heard her use. Her mechanical voice sends an unpleasant shiver down my spine. "Thanos will have that stone." She moves closer, as to intimidate. But so do I.

"That's not going to happen." Captain says, seemingly unbothered but determined.

"I will make sure of it." I growl.

Proxima directs her gaze to me.

"The traitor... or at least, one of them." She muses, a gleam flashes in those deadly eyes as she smirks at me. "You are nothing without your other half. A child in regards to your abilities. Weak." I know she's trying to get a rise out of me, I know it, but it's working.

Her words stroke the grief and self-doubt I had buried for this fight, making it rear it's ugly head. Before I get the chance to even move, King T'Challa speaks as Natasha moves me back.

"You are in Wakanda now. Thanos will have nothing but dust and blood." I look at the King with wide eyes, knowing he doesn't realize just who the Mad Titan is.

"We have blood to spare." Proxima states before striking her sword up into the air.

I scowl at her, but that falls into a frown when the drop ships begin to whirl and extend. We quickly make our way back to the frontlines.

"Are you ok?" Natasha asks as me move back towards the group.

"No, not really. But I'll be able to fight." I tell her, gathering what courage I can. She gives me a hesitant nod, but says nothing else. "I really hate her." I grumble, which earns me a small chuckle from Nat

I try to clear my mind and focus on my powers on the rest of the way back. I focus on what I feel, where it is, and how I can use that to my advantage, like I was taught. We get back to our forces as Bucky looks on edge but doesn't look away from the ships.

"They surrender?" He asks sardonically, knowing the answer.

"Not exactly." Captain breathes as I move to Natasha's side.

I feel the ship release the army that lurches inside.

"Here we go." I nervously breathe.

Falcon flies along the edge, circling as a scout, but I can already feel the pounding of their sharp and deadly paws vibrating against the ground. As they get closer, the thunderous pounding reaches my ears over the sound of my own heartbeat. I absorb the little bits of kinetic energy from them as they run. I feel Natasha's stare on my loose fingers which begin to glow a slight blue.

King T'Challa begins a battle chant as I feel the army slow at the edge of the tree line. Proxima strikes her sword down, letting it fall out of the air, and the army begins their charge forwards. There's more of them, more than I imagined. And they spill out of the tree line like a tidal wave of death, charging towards the dome.

[lady-divine-writes]

For drabble list #2 Ineffable Husbands "When I'm with you, I'm home." Crowley to Zira.

Here you are. I hope you like it

Home (Rated PG13)

When Aziraphale notices Crowley eschew going back to his flat at the end of the night in favor of sleeping in his Bentley outside Aziraphale’s shop, Aziraphale braves a rainstorm to find out why. (1732 words)

Aziraphale hums happily as he removes a saucepan of milk from the stove and prepares his mug of cocoa – a plucky, rich, Bolivian blend he had smuggled into Soho a few decades earlier. The moment the milk hits the shredded chocolate, his entire bookshop smells sweeter, homier, cozier (if such a thing is possible).

Vivaldi’s Four Seasons spins on the gramophone - a rare original pressing he purchased from an estate sale longer ago than he cares to remember. Strains of Summer fill the air, the notes dancing off those long silenced violin strings evoking memories of warmth and whimsy; bright afternoons spent strolling through fragrant grass, feeding ducks at the pond, soaking in felicity in all its romantic forms.

Ironic since it’s currently hours before dawn in the middle of autumn, the sky black as fresh tar and raining buckets outside.

Aziraphale sets his mug of cocoa down on his desk and takes a peek out the closest window. Beneath the relentlessly beating spray, a Bentley sits, parked alone by the curb, a dark sentry guarding his storefront. Aziraphale sighs. It must be freezing outside! As the thought passes through his mind, a violent wind blows, pushing the rain sideways and making his glass panes shiver. The Bentley’s engine is off. Aziraphale can see that from here. Which means no heater. Even if Crowley has miracled the heater on, there has to be a chill.

Crowley doesn’t like the chill air. He dresses in layers and wool coats during the winter. But the last time Aziraphale saw him (roughly eight hours ago) he only had a thin button down and a satin jacket on – more style than substance in Aziraphale’s opinion.

Why is he out there? It’s three in the morning! Why isn’t he home, riding out the storm with a bottle of whiskey, lying beneath the thick comforter on his enormous bed? It sounds like the perfect way to spend a blustery evening like this to Aziraphale, who rarely likes to sleep.

A streak of lightning brightens the sky and Aziraphale sees him, his profile painting a stoic silhouette on the driver’s side window. He must be miserable, sitting upright in that cramped leather seat. Aziraphale would say he’s being ridiculous and stubborn, but he has no clue what about! Thunder pounds out a discordant rhythm overhead. A flash of lightning follows on its heels, then another boom of thunder immediately after that, indicating this storm is going nowhere.

If tonight is anything like last night and the night before, neither is Crowley.

And Aziraphale needs to find out why.

***

Knock-knock-knock.

“Mrrr …” Crowley stirs grumpily, squeezing his eyelids shut tight. He’s not asleep, just resting his eyes. The lightning overhead along with the raindrops reflecting the neon shop signs like a thousand liquid points of light are doing his head in. The pounding of the rain on the body of his car pings inside his ears like a twenty-gallon drum of tailor’s pins overturned on a rusted tin roof.

He couldn’t sleep even if he wanted to.

Knock-knock-knock.

A second disturbance but louder. Crowley refuses to open his eyes.

“Go … away …” he mumbles through his teeth, hoping his voice carries. He doesn’t have the energy to move more than that. It’s this blasted cold! He’d decided to let his body shut down naturally instead of wasting a miracle to get the heater running.

Didn’t need anyone downstairs knowing his whereabouts.

The cold would feel less mind-numbing if he turned into a snake, but he doesn’t like to do that too often.

KnockKnockKnock!

“I’m not drunk, officer,” he groans, fully prepared to shift his head into something hideous and tell the nosy cop, bothering him for the ninth time, where to stick it. “I told you, I’m catching a few zzz’s. I’m in no condition to drive,” he lies.

“It’s not a police officer, Crowley!” a voice shouts over the rain. “It’s me!”

Crowley’s eyes pop open. “Aziraphale?”

“Yes! Can I come in? I’m about to drown out here!”

“Oh. Right. Sorry ‘bout that.” Crowley reaches over and opens the door, wondering why Aziraphale didn’t do it himself. It was unlocked. But as Aziraphale climbs in, the rainwater avoiding his body as if he’s wrapped in an invisible slicker, Crowley sees that the angel’s arms are full, a large-ish picnic basket hugged to his chest.

“Am I taking you somewhere?” Crowley asks as he watches Aziraphale settle in with his basket. “It’s a bit early in the morning for a picnic. A smidge damp, too.”

“No, silly. I’ve brought you some provisions. I have a blanket …” Aziraphale pulls a tartan flannel out from inside his coat and spreads it over the demon’s lap without prompting. Then he rifles through his basket, naming off items as he presents them. “A Thermos of cocoa, a tin of biscuits, some finger sandwiches …” He lifts a bottle of amber liquid. “Rum?”

“That’s the ticket,” Crowley chuckles, reaching for the bottle. “Mighty nice of you. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

Crowley unscrews the cap and takes a swig. “This is quite the spread you’ve assembled. What’s the occasion?”

“I wanted to ask you a question, if you don’t mind.”

Crowley snorts. “You wanted to ask me a question? At three in the morning?”

“Well, you see, that’s part of it, yes.” Aziraphale opens the tin of biscuits and offers Crowley one. He picks a chocolate shortbread and sticks it in his mouth, devouring it without tasting it, Aziraphale suspects - unwilling to turn him down considering Aziraphale tromped out in the rain to give it to him. “What are you doing here? You’ve been out here the past few nights.”

“I’m keeping an eye on you,” Crowley says, covering up discomfort with another swig of rum.

“Why do you need to keep an eye on me? Is there something you’re not telling me? Something you heard from …?” Aziraphale doesn’t say it, letting his eyes finish his question by shooting a pointed glance downward.

“No,” Crowley assures him. “Not at all.”

“You needn’t worry about me so much, you know,” Aziraphale says, sighing with relief nonetheless. “I’m prepared for any possible attack. I have salt, a crucifix, a bucket of water under my desk, ready to be blessed at a moment’s notice. I even have a sword! Not my flaming sword, of course, but a serviceable piece of steel. I can take care of myself.”

“I know that.”

“So, you can go home, if you’d like.”

Crowley turns his head slightly to peer out the windshield. In the deadlock created between the too bright lights outside and the Stygian shadows inside, Aziraphale sees Crowley bite his lips together. “No. I can’t.”

“Why not?”

Crowley puts a hand on the steering wheel, curling his fingers around the pebbly surface and gripping hard, then releasing again. His pose suggests that he might actually turn the car on and drive off despite his protestations. Aziraphale would still be in the vehicle with him, but that’s a moot point. “My flat … it doesn’t feel like home to me. Not so much. Not anymore.”

“And your Bentley does?” Aziraphale teases, though right as he says it, he realizes it very well might.

“No.” Crowley swallows. “You.”

Aziraphale’s brows draw together as he attempts to wring meaning out of that short answer. “Me what?”

“It’s you, Aziraphale. Wherever you are, that feels like home to me. When I’m with you … I’m home.”

“Because I remind you of Heaven?” Aziraphale ventures. He doesn’t want to misunderstand Crowley. There have been too many misunderstandings during the course of their Arrangement, their friendship, and whatever this is trying to become.

“No, for Satan’s sake!” Crowley groans, frustration taking hold. “Because you’re you! You’re the only true friend I’ve ever had! And at some point over the past 6000 years, you became my guiding light. The only thing that matters to me in this pathetic Universe. I’m not here because I enjoy sitting in my car in the rain. I’m here because the farther I am from you, the unhappier I become. And contrary to popular opinion, I don’t enjoy being unhappy.”

“I … I never knew that,” Aziraphale says softly.

“Yeah, well …”

There’s something more to that sentence. Aziraphale knows there is. But regardless of what’s going on behind those yellow eyes of Crowley’s, he’s come to the conclusion that he’s said enough.

Pity because Aziraphale would love to hear more.

“I see,” Aziraphale says for lack of anything better. “Well, in that case, would you like to come inside? Get out of the cold?”

Crowley makes an eggy noise. “I don’t need you pitying me, angel.”

“I’m not pitying you. Believe it or not, I don’t quite relish being alone either.”

“Not,” Crowley replies.

“In fact,” Aziraphale continues, “there are a great many things I don’t enjoy doing alone.”

“You could have fooled me.” But Crowley decides to bite. Aziraphale obviously has something up his sleeve. As long as it’s not a card trick or a dead dove, he’s game to find out. “Like what?”

“Like reading …”

“Yeah, right! You forget all about me when you’re reading!”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t like having you around.”

“What else?”

“Drinking …”

Crowley’s mouth pulls down in a thoughtful frown. “All right. I’ll give you that one.”

“Sleeping …”

Crowley laughs. “You don’t sleep.”

“That’s because I don’t like to sleep alone.”

Crowley looks over at Aziraphale, disbelieving, as the angel’s clear blue eyes stare back.

Stare back hopefully.

Crowley doesn’t know what Aziraphale is getting at, but he’s not the type to give in when he’d rather say no. He’s invited Crowley into his bookshop dozens of times to talk and drink and otherwise socialize.

But invite him inside to sleep? Presumably together?

That intrigues Crowley … too much to say no.

“Maybe I should come inside then. It’s been a long night. You look like you might need your rest.”

Aziraphale smiles beneath the violet glow of the restaurant across the street, casting him a wily aura. “That would be a great help to me,” he says, repacking his picnic basket.

“I’m nothing if not helpful,” Crowley says, opening the door and exiting the car, bottle of rum in tow, while Aziraphale finishes up.

Aziraphale shakes his head. “Let’s not get too carried away, my dear.”