#i havent even been able to Start my life for month than a few months

[toxooz]

ALSOOOOOOO i Finally got to ride a skateboard at the skatepark with bf n friends for the first time ever yesterday and i feel so 👀👀👌👌👌💯💯💯 i managed to be able to balance and push around and stop without falling and it was fun tbh!! i can see getting muscle memory and improvement by doing it consistently 😤 i just hope this aint too short of a phase for everyone so i can hopefully get me own board soon 🙏

[devourers-of-god]

Hi I was wondering if you could do Sal fisher who’s gf has pet rats? Like 2-3 and like one day reader and Sal for over to readers house to hang out for the visit time there and Sal sees this big ass cage and he’s like “what in here?” And readers like “oh those are my baby’s! :D” and Sal’s just shocked (bonus points if he gets to hold them 😚)

Hi !! Its been a while i am sorry! Lots happened in my personal life but I think ill be able to write sometimes anyways, of course I'll do that :3!

Type: Oneshot

Warnings: none its mostly fluff :P

One shot Sal x reader (very bad sorry)

Sal and you have been going out for a while now, 3 months to be exact even tho it already feels like its been longer than that. He's been mostly inviting you over to his apartment so Sal has never really seen how your place looked like. But one day you decided it was time to show him the real you. You had a lot of things in your room, it basically represented what you like, your personality and how messy you truly are. The reality was that you had rats, adorable clumsy rats. There's a big cage well maintained with your fluffy babies, toys and food. You were kinda shy about showing Sal because even tho you knew he liked stuff like that, you were still scared of his reaction, but what stressed you the most was that in all of your past relationships they were all disgusted and thought that you were so weird. But aside from all of your anxiety, you invited him over for the evening.

The time had come, you tidied up your room just so it doesn't look like hell. Sal arrived on time, his dad decided to lift him so he didn't have to walk. You opened the door for him, '' Hey Sal!'' you smiled wildly at your boyfriend. ''Hi y/n, happy to see you'' you could see his eyes filled with excitement as he walked in. You immediately guided him to your room, in the mean time you did a small tour of the place. Your parents were away for the evening so it was a perfect day. Arrived to your room Sal's eyes widen at the first look of your room. ''Wow this is so cool!'' he walked slowly, taking care of not destroying anything, then he walked past this gigantic cage in the corner ''oh my god what's in there!'' He was In fact very excited of finding out what's hiding. ''Oh those are my babies! my rats! here let me show you:)'' You opened the small door to allow your arm in the cage, you took one of your furry friends and handed him to your boyfriend. ''Im so happy that you have rats, they're my favourite!!'' he smiled widely while petting your rat, ''Whats his name?'' he asked, '' Marco'' you replied, with a small smile and a tinted blush on your cheeks. Sal looked at you admiring your personality and beauty. In reality, Sal admired you and he never thought a cute and gentle girl like you had so many rats.

He was very happy you invited him over, after that you two had a great time playing video games and talking for hours, obviously you guys had to have a sleepover. Sal was so interested on everything you showed him, he really realized how much he loves you and you thought he was the sweetest guy ever.

Lets just say Sal now comes over a lot.

OKKKKK EW sorry this is SO bad, I havent been writing in a hottttt minute, ermmmm I got into a car crash and shit (im ok ! just a broken bone) and I've been recovering blah blah blah, school blah blah blah and work yk how life goes. anyways, now that im not doing anything for a good 6 weeks, I thought it'll be a good time to try and start writing again. so please excuse me if the first few are bad ! You can't judge and even if you do, just write it yourself :) ANYWAYS THNAK YOU FOR YOUR ASK ILY

REQUESTS: ALWAYS OPEN

[book-girl4evaaa]

hey beatrice, its turtle here

(can u please tag everyone bc my tags rnt working and idk if i can risk sending an ask to everyone?)

i was js able to make an account for a second, since my parents rnt here rn

js wanted to let u and everyone else know that im safe, ok? my parents js found out abt all the creepy anon drama n panicked, so ig they wanted to erase any trace of me online. please, dont stress urself worrying abt me.

i miss u guys so so much tho. i havent stopped thinking abt u guys, and i js feel so empty inside. idrk wut to do w my life anymore. u guys were the friends that i never realized i needed so much. u guys been there for me whenever i needed. i miss burning things and screaming lyrics and ranting and causing chaos with all of u. i feel so incomplete without tumblr. ill never forget any of you, even if i might not be able to be on here.

but please forget abt me. ill have to delete this account as soon as i send this ask. my parents r starting to track everything i do even more closely than they did before (which was a lot, trust me) and thats y im on anon rn. so please, no one worry abt me. stay safe. dont do anything to urself. dont blame urself. none of it was ur guys’ fault.

i love all of u so much. im so grateful that i got to be friends with all of u, even if it was only for a few months. u guys have made such a difference in my life.

u guys r all so talented and amazing, and ur all gonna go to great places. just u wait and see.

im gonna miss tumblr so much. i love all of u guys so so so much

goodbye (for now)

-Turtle

thank goodness

I know you aren't reading this but tysm turtle

I'm so glad you're safe

I love you <3343

@hijabi-flavored-nerd @brokendarkfairyempressforever

[may-bee-its-just-me]

personal life update

Hey yall, i figured i'd take some time to give a personal life update as well as allow myself to vent for a second. I'll start with the positives for those not interested in the emotional bits :]

I've been making more substantial steps towards buying a car! I've been looking into this one Saturn, and while it's got a few minor issues, it's still my best option so far. Hoping to buy it for 2000, or 2500-3000 if the seller is willing to continue fixing the current known issues.

I've also been growing a bit closer to God, and I've been finding peace among the chaos. I'm learning to lean on Him for support - which has been an uphill battle against myself and the feeling I need to cling onto what i can control, but when i have been able to let go it's been very freeing. I'm still working on myself and growing in Christ, but progress is progress.

I recently got promoted to Crew trainer (about a month or two ago). I'm now making 75 cents more an hour than I did this time last year, after two biannual performance reviews and a promotion. I heard rumors that I'd been in consideration for a management position but I havent been talked to about it specifically, and I'm not sure if I'd accept if offered it. Still flattering to know though :]

Apparently more than once, customers have spoken to my managers and possibly even some higher ups praising my work ethic. I think its specifically when working on front counter/in lobby, as I'm most actively engaging with customers then and they can see me compulsively scanning over lobby for trash when im otherwise not busy. Regardless, it's nice to know I'm making a genuine positive impact on customers' experiences and potentially the rest of their days. Today, one such pair of customers is an older couple known for being very particular, occasionally rude/difficult to serve. They had already called our regional manager that day to complain before I was moved up front, saw them, and said hi. Later on one of my managers came up to me and had mentioned they liked me, and I assume said something to them about it. :]

On the flip side, i've been in a depressive funk for several months now. I'm actually questioning if it's a depressive funk, or if I'm always depressed and sometimes it's just...not as bad. But the last few weeks have been worse. I'm struggling to take care of myself, and while it's not as bad as it has gotten before - I went three days without showering this week and lately i've been routinely skipping showers after maintaining showering almost daily for a year.

For the last few weeks I keep going back and forth between losing my appetite, and eating myself into feeling sick. I'm pretty sure this is from grief and will pass though.

My boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks/almost a month ago. For reasons, although there wasn't any real conflict between us during the relationship, it was more internal conflict and convictions. We'd been getting distracted with each other, putting off other things to spend time with each other. He needed to focus on his health and figuring his life out. Part of me still wants to cling onto hope he'll come back around, wants to go back and fight back against his reasons for leaving, because I damn know he still cares about me more than friends. But I'm trying to just trust that if we're meant to be, God will bring us together again naturally when we're ready for it. Trying to focus on getting my shit together on my end, and let Him figure the rest out. We're still friends, and through the relationship we were always friends above all else, so I'm thankful to still just have him in my life. I'll be okay, but the grief does eat away at me sometimes. I thought I had been recovering from it pretty well, but that was suppression (oops). I keep going back and forth from feeling okay about it, and feeling like a piece of me is missing. I even get mad at him from time to time, blaming him for my hurt feelings. "You promised forever" "you actively encouraged me to open up and lean on you, encouraged me to share my burdens with you, and now im supposed to just be okay with that ripped away" and then i see him, and i remember its not his fault, and he's always had my best interest in mind. Even in breaking up with me, he was doing out of the place of wanting what was best for both of us, and thought I deserved someone who already had everything together and wasnt a mess in himself. I know he genuinely meant every word he said in the moment, because i saw him. I saw it in his eyes. I saw it in his actions. I found the card he gave me for my birthday, and it made me cry, because it hurts my heart to think he's breaking both of our hearts needlessly. But everything happens for a reason, and so I'm trying to just...go with the flow of wherever this season of my life takes me. It hurts to think of either of us moving on with someone else, but whatever happens happens. I have so much love to give, and it's a challenge to find somewhere in the tangible physical realm to put it.

Silver lining, he said I can keep the shirt and hoodie he had let me borrow before. I've been wearing his hoodie everywhere...The only thing stopping me from still carrying my promise ring around is the sensory issues that caused me to stop wearing it to work in the first place.

The few coworkers I've told are convinced we're going to get back together soon, but again, trying to trust God and not my own hopes and dreams lol At the very least, no one can gossip about the break up because they can still see us laughing and getting along fine at work. A different couple had briefly broken up, and the amount of gossip that was floating around was awful - everyone talking trash about either person involved because there was a lot of friction between them. I'm just glad that wont be the case for us, and if we don't reunite anytime soon, at least we can still function at work more or less normally.

thats all tonight folks. Thanks for reading, God bless.

-Mod Bee🐝

[hlficlibrary]

umm hello, i need your help... i havent read a fanfic in a few months and it's starting to feel weird coz i'm literally always reading but now whenever i open a new fanfic i end up skim-reading it and it feels like a dishonest thing to do

so could you please recommend me some angsty fanfic under 20k which are very gripping....

THANKYOU

Hello, anon! You're very welcome! This was an interesting challenge because I wanted to get you closer to 20k than super short ones. And for some reason the angsty ones I could think of are either short or over 20k. That being said, I knew I'd be able to find you some. (ALSO, I promise you that just skim-reading something is a perfectly fine thing to do and there's nothing dishonest or bad about it. Sometimes, we just find ourselves in a place where it's harder than other times to get into a story. That's no one's fault! I do understand the feeling of wanting to really get into a story though, so I hope these fics will do that for you!) I'll put the word count with these so you know how long these are and also I fudged the first one because I think it's JUST what you're looking for and it's just a little over 20k.

what's left of my halo's black by LiveLaughLoveLarry / @loveislarryislove (E, 22k)

As Harry sucks lovebites into Louis’ neck, Louis hopes that one day those marks will cover the way he can still feel Alex’s handprints burned into his flesh.

As Harry’s nails drag scratches along Louis’ back, Louis hopes that one day the scabs on his heart will heal and drop away just like the scabs on his skin.

As Harry fucks him down into the mattress, the bed shaking with every thrust, Louis hopes that one day his mouth will forget the shape of Alex’s name, won’t trace it over and over as the heat builds inside him, won’t want to scream it when he comes. Maybe one day he’ll open his eyes, as he slowly floats down from his post-orgasm haze, and won’t expect to see Alex’s face smiling back at him.

But today is not that day.

A year after a devastating breakup, Louis is still trying to put himself back together - but getting over a breakup is hard when you work as a wedding planner. Thankfully, his coworker Harry is the most supportive friend Louis could ask for. But Harry has some secrets of his own, and they send Louis' world spinning off its axis all over again.

bonded by @juliusschmidt (M, 20k)

Louis cannot remember his life before Harry. He had one- Harry is, after all, two years younger than he is- but he cannot pull up even one memory that is not somehow intertwined with Harry.

the one where they are bonded, but it's not like that and they have to pretend like it is

No Easy Love (Could Make Me Feel This Way) by @allwaswell16 (E, 17k)

There’s never been anyone for Harry but Louis. He had always thought their love would last forever, despite society’s pressures on an alpha/alpha relationship. When Louis breaks up with him and moves to Chicago, he’s suddenly left behind to pick up the pieces of the life they once shared. Instead of moving on, he finds reasons to keep Louis in his life and in the process begins to piece together what went wrong.

Or an Alpha Louis/Alpha Harry au where they get a second chance to make things right with the love of their life.

You're A Universe by Jiksa / @jiksax (E, 15k)

Harry doesn’t ever mean to hurt him; Louis doesn’t know how to tell him that it’s the only thing he ever does anymore.

Or, Louis’s a stay-at-home dad in London and Harry’s a business expat in Qatar. Louis doesn’t know how much longer their marriage can survive the distance.

give me things to stay awake by embodied (E, 10k)

It’s shitty and it’s counterproductive and it’s self-indulgent, but he lets it become a thing. On Saturday nights Harry goes out and gets so pissed he can’t stand, and when the bartender cuts him off he rings Louis and is in his car within an hour. It’s not a cycle he’s proud of, but it’s also something he can’t resist, and he keeps doing it as long as Louis keeps showing up.   AU. It's been a year since Louis broke up with Harry.

[not-so-shy-lee-chu]

I heard you were a "sucker" for tit sucking, tickling and the like. Heh, get it cause ykyk suck- nvm anyways xD,

Imagine your in a gloryhole. Though, not the kind of gloryhole that you would think. Instead of having your mouth or pussy exposed... its your tits.. your overly sensitive, easy to manipulate breasts. With how overly responsive, match with how sizeable your breastds are... you were practically a star of the gloryhole. Though, not in the kind that you would think.. truth be told you were being held there sgainst your will. All those people, touching and prodding and squeezing your erect areolas only feeling the fiery need of your edged pussy, only fadding fuel to your masohism. The person who put you there has edged you atleast 3 months, since then.. you havent orgasmed.. not even once. You were basically a frustrated mess, now even your pussy is being exposed to the public soon. In a few days, you will be teased to insanity, teased till you go crazy, teased till you cry tears of frustration from longing that sweet sweet release... as if things cant get worse.. when the gloryhole is closed, he would make you watch other girls cumming their hearts out through a vr headset. Making you watch as their hair becomes a mess, and that sweet surge of pleasure tskes over their bodies, something that you can only yearn for. And as the day starts over, the cycle repeats itself, continuous torturous teasing during the day, and tantalizingly making you watch girl orgasm during the night.

As time passes by, your will and any defenses you might have all broken to shatters. You still wonder ever so slightly, when will you be able to orgasm? How long will you have to wait? Will your captor even let you orgasm? And, why is it that the more you're edged... the more your masochistic side is loving it~ >:)

-🍺

P.S. hope you like my teasee its only one of many hehe :)

OH LAWD HAVE MERCY, WHAT KIND OF A PARAGRAPH IS THIS 🤯😵‍💫.

Oh taking a look at this I loved it, Just forced to expose my nipples and get them sucked, toyed with and meanwhile I can't do anything to stop it and being there against my will? That's... that's hot. My nipples are perking up and tingling at the idea.

How about this tho, from the slave's perspective🪶😈:

I haven't been able to sleep at night. This guy, who kidnapped me for money. Turned me into his slave when he understood I was just as broke as he was. It was six months ago but the memories are as fresh as today... He stripped me, spend his first month edging my desperate pussy daily, tying my legs up and apart, cutting my underwear, he told me that day... I was no longer allowed to cum for the rest of my life. I begged him not to. He than edged my clit with feathers, little paint and makeup brushes, his own fingers and even... with little kisses on it sometimes. I couldn't bear it. I cried and moaned and begged him, told him about every single dime of money I had left and where I kept them. He didn't seem to be interested in my money anymore for some reason... I cried and cried, but it fell on deaf ears as he circled the paintbrush around my pathetic little nub. Licking his lips and chuckling as my button throbbed when he pulled away. That's when I heard him say... "I don't need the money anymore dear, I just found a way to make my own bank... And you're going to help me with that"

...

And now here we are... My body is completely mummified, I have a blindfold and gag on too. I can't see, hear or speak anything. I simply exist here behind this wall, with my boobs peeking put of my cozy cocoon into the other side of the wall. I can't see anything. All I know is that the guy that kidnapped me earns money from it. People come and go. I can't see or hear them. I just feel them start to play with my nipples... Oh my poor nipples. I wish there was a way to get out, to set free. I would give myself all the orgasms in the world but I can't... They play with my nipples, my poor nipples. They roll them between their fingers, caress and stroke the top of it, making my knees go weak. Good thing I'm almost fixiated here to my spot, I don't have to stand. I can just let it go. They sometimes use feathers and brushes on it, it tickles so much honestly. It makes me howl and cry from laughing. After a month or so edging, my whole body is sensitive. That's why the makeup brushes do make me cry if the person keeps using it for a long time. I hate those. I hate it, I hate how my pussy and nipple ache with each stroke. I hate how I can't touch them. I hate how good it feels yet not enough... Please. Please I'll do anything. Please I need to cum!

Ohh some of them even lick and suck it. That is the most unbearable one because I get so close to cumming and they suddenly stop. I know that guy makes them do it. He loves to hear my growl and cry of frustration behind that wall. It gets so mean, it makes me sob every time. But after that much time spent in here. I got used to it, I lost my mind to be exact :) I don't put much fight up anymore, I know it's useless. I know if I give him a hard time, he is going to make me watch girls cumming all night long as he edges my clit and nipples together with brushes and vibrators, or even call his friends to do it together. I know if I curse at him, he will tie me up and tickle me all day and all night long. My poor feet can't handle how vulgar he is with his brushes and nails. I even curl my toes at the idea of it.

So I just take it like the brainless slave I am. I just exist as my boobs, clit and nipples. They're all I can think about. I just want to cum, nothing else. I just want to cum for the rest of my life. But I know he is not going to let me. Never again. He enjoys it I can feel that. He sometimes keeps me mummied and sucks my nipples himself at night, than masturbates on them and laughs at how pathetic I am. I just stay there, squirming, whining at my gag to beg him so that he plays with them longer. Just a little longer please, I am so close. Needy and crazy as always... It's too late for me to go back. I only know this life and nothing else...

I'm a slave. That's what my life will be from now on.

Oh please don't hesitate to send asks 🥰🥰 I enjoyed this one a lot! Thank you: 🍺 anon

[luckydoeslanguage]

Weekly Update | 四月23日２０２４年

こんばんは、みんな　(_　_)。゜zｚＺ

posting a little later than i usually do. This week has been more of the same, so there isnt too much to talk about. i debated waiting until next week, i dont want to break my habit :P Onto my updates:

Almost done the anime ive been watching. its a little slice of life called 'スーパーカブ', which follows a girl who buys a titular Honda super cub and her daily life. id say its a moe show, but it feels more down to earth than that. lots of motor vehicle vocab. when im done the show i want to post a review of it here so i'll save my comments til then.

started playing とびだせど��ぶつの森 again in earnest. i started the save almost a year ago and it was kind of overwhelming at first but its more manageable now. I should really play more immersion games on 3DS.

i tried writing a letter to my favourite villager, マキバースタ. I sent her an ironing board cause i thought it would look good in her house :)

didnt start any manga :(. i looked around for some and didnt really decide on anything in the end.

i also spent a day looking into japanese magazine subscriptions cause i wanted to read some of the shoujo manga magazines. turns out shipping paper products to rural BC is expensive, so i didnt get any. :( womp womp.

didnt end up taking new cards on anki this week. i honestly avoided it all week until the last few days and even then it wasnt so bad. hopefully i can start taking 2 or 3 new cards a day tho i really want to.

im still sitting at about 5 hours of immersion in this week. hoping that starting a new show might help bump it up again.

I think thats all! i feel like now that April is coming to a close and im almost a month back to learning japanese i havent been able to make as much progress as id like. But! im glad to be learning consistently again.

see you all next week! またね！

[mifhortunach]

2023 'overview'

The standard end of year post of course!

This year has both breezed by and felt absolutely endless, personally at least, and i feel like i accomplished nothing(!), but still, here's a round up of some stuff i enjoyed!?

MOVIES: as ever as always! I'm writing this a bit in advance, but i've deffo seen less movies this year than i did last year, tho i believe that i did manage to get out to the cinema way more than usual (tho, tbh, most often on my lonesome i think). I think i've felt the most divided on them this year; i liked a lot of stuff very VERY much! i also have felt so SO bored with a lot more things. i think i talked about having like. a matrix moment last year, nothing like that this year, tho a lot more of being like, 'well yeah, of course', or finally being able to recognise what a shot is, lol. Regardless, here are the movies i probably loved the most this year:

aftersun: all i talked about jan thru feb, need to watch it again. it looks great, its both fun & heartbreaking, and you KNOW i love the found footage side of it all - especially when it addresses that even when you have footage of 'objective reality' you just really cant know it all operation avalanche: as w aftersun, this shit gets at like ALL my interests! OpAv isn't a perfect movie, and i think the more u know about the production/etc the more obvious that becomes [i genuinely WOULD love to see/know more about the version that really did have the mole/romance plotline integrated, but lbr, that doesnt really exist]. ANYWAY!! i do think this is such an exciting film to watch, especially the movie making sequences, and i think the feeling of it all comes across so truly iygm. also, obvs, bc i love conspiracies unfortch the dirties: im sorry there's so much MJ on this list, short tho it is! but hey, these really took over my life for a month there lol. i still havent listened to the commentary w the real film critic, but i truly find this to be an airtight movie, the found footage stuff is so well integrated, justifying everything while also calling all intent/'reality' into question.. i do think someone could spend forever with it - its also funny & miserable! what more could u want (watch my fancam please) my house walkthrough: i genuinely just really like this!! ive said it before, but i genuinely just find it such an exciting watch, the bts just makes it so much cooler - what's sicker than repetition Hon Noms: la confidential: heat walked so this could run ! thirst: so much fun, i love vampire lovers who hate each other beau is afraid: too long, but i really liked most of this, v funny black tower: great example of doing smth so cool w very little

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

books:

francis spufford, new sun series, chandler, mauretania

PODCASTS:

sfultra!!!: sean L@TDF finally returns to talk about sci-fi books! sean is one of the few critics i'll always keep up with even when i dont agree w him, & this show has been a real treat all this year - the patreon stuff is great as well - its introduced me to a lot of new stuff & crit, and its been good to hear from him again. if u listen to any of these, listen to this shelved by genre: really good, tho often we have different interests - got me to read a fair few more books this year! im not a games guy, and im mad behind on fatt, so its super nice to get to hear some austin biweekly anyway, lol. twioat (as ever): i was a bit trepidatious about this season starting off, but it's been so much fun, the fellas really knocked it out of the park. i loved hearing from some guests that we havent heard from in ages. this season on AJLT was also fuckin amazing, truly & really adored their coverage; possibly highlight of my summer?? toxic podcast: i almost certainly shouted this out last year, but it was nice to have this around again in the top half of the year!! ale has a letterboxd now & its fun to get to see just how many truly atrocious horror movies he does watch all the time. a true connoisseur

------------------------

pick’n’mix:

ntbts: its a such good show!! i've watched more tv than usual this year, but i love how this is done on almost every level. i apologised before for having so much MJ on this list & i stand by that!, but i do think that one of the best (practical) traits in his work is making difficult stuff look not only easy, but genuinely both fun & achievable. whens the movie going to drop??? (lol) getting into shirts: this genuinely was more of an accidental year long thing, starting w the ones i printed for lizzie back in jan/feb, but its been fun! finally got back some screenprinting experience, and i think u can really see some amping up of ambition & basic skill/practice. i do wanna do more in the new year, but am trying to engage with actual intended outcomes (and lbr, the storage issue lol), so we'll see

the sopranos!!: sometimes they really were right about good tv being good, who knew! so much funnier, weirder & depressing than i wouldve expected- honestly undersung at this point. also, it introduced me to a tonne of music lol

the blackberry soundtrack: unfortch i continue to be kinda mixed on the film, as much as i think on a technical level it's so super cool & well-made. i do really like the soundtrack tho!! i'm kinda iffy on some of its application in the actual film, but im a hater, so what can u do lol. the actual thing DOES rip tho

==========

this whole thing makes it look like i got a lot more done this year than i feel like i did lol. i feel like i had plans up the top but they really all came out in the wash//

i read an okay amount of books, but failed to get thru any piles

i watched more tv than usual this year, and saw id say, a midtier amount of movies, but way more new movies than usual

i moved for a bit! then moved back & got a worse job lol

there was a lot of work i didnt get finished.. i have stuff ive been meaning to edition since this time last year that i still havent gone back to.. that said, i think i did get some stuff done, finally actually did some stone litho(!!!!) & had some stuff up in a show or two

who knows,,, maybe ill finally get my shit together & 2024 could be my year - people say good things about being 26 right??? 😭😭😭

[kkinou]

lee heeseung -

right person, wrong timing (part 1)

genre/tw: angst, sad ending

ex/boyfriend heeseung and non specific gender reader!

word count: 0.8k

->💔

opening the email, feeling my fingers shake as i scroll down.

i got in.

i felt the tears run down my face as heeseung embraced me, telling me how proud he was, how he knew i could do it. we both cried, holding each other.

in that moment, i felt overjoyed. i couldnt believe it. a few days later, heeseung was told his audition for hybe was accepted. we were both overjoyed at the fact we could both follow our dreams. but in the coming days, reality swept in.

while heeseung would be staying in korea, i would be moving to germany. the realisation that we couldnt be together so far apart, along with his trainee rules set in. we had only two months left together, so we spent every second together.

we went to all of our favourite places, always trying to forget these were going to be some of our final moments with each other. we also tried out new things, like different restaurants and we even took a pottery class together, where we created little bears for each other. 

the days went quick though, and i found myself having to rush pack in tears the night before i was supposed to leave. i found at least half of my suitcase was full of gifts and clothes heeseung gave me. that night, i didnt sleep at all. instead most of my night was spent crying with heeseung on the phone. 

walking into the airport hand in hand with him was hard. i could feel his grip on my hand tighten the further we walked in, and it broke my heart. as we made our way to the security gate, i turned to him. seeing his eyes full of tears caused me to burst out into tears too, pulling him into my arms. i grabbed his cheek and  kissed him softly, tasting our salty tears. after a few minutes of embracing, he pulled back and pointed at the clock.

“you only- you only have twenty minutes to check in, you should go” 

he couldnt look me in the eyes, while i couldnt take my eyes off of him. i felt so guilty. 

“im so sorry, heeseung. i wish you well in hybe and i know youll get far. please keep me updated.”

“im sorry too, i promise to keep you updated with how it goes”

 “also, just know, i love you, so, so much. ill always love you and ill always be supporting you. and please dont forget me when youre famous.” 

“i love you too, more than i could ever love anyone else. ill never forget you.”

i start walking towards security before turning again,

“goodbye heeseung”

“goodbye”

as i make my way through security, i feel almost as if my heart has been ripped out. waiting , i sit there, holding in tears. when my flight gets called out, i cant help but have tears spill out as i make my way on the plane. the flight goes so slow, so i decide to create a message to send to heeseung when i land. 

when the plane lands, i send the message, throw my phone in my bag, and make my way to the nearest train station.

“heeseung. you probably know this already, but ive loved you ever since you ran into me outside school. your flustered face when you helped me up and kept apologising was the funniest and cutest thing ever. i love your eyes, especially when you ask a question or when you look at something you like. they glow with curiosity and admiration, and its the most beautiful thing ive ever seen (other than your face ofc). i also love your hugs. you’re so incredibly cuddly and it hurts so much to think i wont be able to get hugs from you when im sad anymore. i love your laugh too, its so contagious. its awful i havent been able to see it the last few days. it hurts me to think i wont have you forever like we promised, but i hope you find someone who can love you as much if not more (if thats even possible) than i did, because you deserve it.

I love you, i love you, i love you heeseung, and i wish i could tell you for the rest of my life. ill always be here for you, and although i might not be there right beside you, ill always be right here, only a phone call away. love you xoxoxoxoxoxo”

after a few hours of meeting roomates and getting tours of campus and dorm rooms, i finally lie down, checking my phone.

“i need to hear your voice, ill call you later”

i stayed up, all night, waiting for that call. i never got anything. not then or ever again. i never blamed him though, i couldnt. we just werent meant to be.

soooo, i’ve actually never wrote angst as i’m a very emotional person and this made me cry a lot 😭😭 especially since this is a large fear of mine. i also hate sad endings so i was thinking of making a part two if anyone would like that, or would it be better to leave it like this? i’m indecisive so someone let me know plzzz 🫶 if anyone as tips or criticism i would love to hear it!! thank you for reading this far, i appreciate it!!🤍🤍

ALSO SORRY FOR ANY SPELLING MISTAKES (i hope there isn’t though because i checked this like 20 times. maybe i’m just dumb) 🫶

[iinafarawaygalaxii]

Star Wars the Clone Wars: Bloodline

Welcome back!

Thank you for your patience, I have lots of editing to do with a majority of my works before posting but I am happy to present ALL three prequels to my fanfic SWTCW: Bloodline about my OC's back story and what brought her into the Clone Wars. Any feedback to make your reading experience easier is always welcome! Don't be too discouraging though haha! Im not the best writer but, were here for a good time, not a long time (:

If you havent yet, read this post to give you a summary on the fic youre reading. Its general information and will let you know the warnings in each fic.

Anyways~ Enjoy! Ill be posting the first chapter very soon <3

Prequel i : Freedom

Timeline: 32 BBY

Summary: A young princess trapped in the claws of royals duties begins to questions her life and her role as a heir to the throne wondering what it truly felt like to be free.

Word Count: 1.4k

Warnings: Abuse

Rating: SFW

Notes:

*Baraata- Tiger like creature with 6 legs and is a little larger than a lion on my OC's Planet 

*Maybe a curse word or two?

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Summer was the best month in Astra and was well known for its crystalized waters and deep blue skies. Even though the planet only has one continent, it houses millions of people with the center of it being... Well royalty. The Capital was her home and she hasnt seen much of her planet aside from the outskirts of the castle in the fields by the edge of the continent. The Castle itself sat on top of a big cliff, leaving little land between it and the ocean. Although she can see the water from her room, nothing beat standing in-front of it. Nothing beat that little taste of freedom and as the waves crashed onto shore, pushing golden sands back to the surface- she stood there with her eyes closed listening to the peak of natures music. Being a princess was no easy feat, in fact, it was challenging. Aside from the strict rules, the training to become an heir to the throne was enough work to tear ones hair out. As she is becoming of age, things only got harder to meet the expectations her parents and the entire planet laid out for her. Her only resolve was being able to come to places like this to escape for a few moments before returning to her cage. What was it like being trapped? Born into a destiny already planned for you?

It was this…

As the castle bells ring, the sound carried itself through the wind, brining both the young princess and her tiger like companion at attention. The Mid-Summers Festival was starting—something her parents anticipated she was in her room getting ready for. It was crucial for the royals to pray to the gods to keep the land bountiful for them and their citizens. Most importantly, it was their responsibility to do it in front of them to maintain faith for the Gods. That's what all of this is for- a show for something that may or may not exist. Either way, she still had a duty. She got up already clothed in her deep blue, lightly hemmed festival gown, patting the sand off her dress. "Come on Sentra.", she whispered to her Baraata, petting the black fur behind the creature's ear that made her hand small in comparison. It was crazy- such a massive carnivores creature, completely untamable, yet the princess of Astra had one herself and only for her. They are peculiar creatures with a wit similar to the people of Astra, which often made them dangerous. However, after being lost in the forest as a child and the Royals believing her death had come to pass- she emerged with the tiger looking creature as her guide. The planet erupted with joy as the prophecy that has thought to be dormant for eons brought itself to life. She was a celebrity all throughout the Galaxy at the tender age of 10 and a symbol for something darker itching it’s way closer to reality. 

With the event that happened to the young princess, the royals decided to take the Baraata in and has been with her every day, protecting her. The King and Queen of Astra, her parents, have been strict with her since then under the assumption that she was not only the prophecy but the next Perfecti, or in broader terms, the next ruler of Astra. Darkness was lurking around the corner and it was something she was prophesied to protect her people from. Something her brother, Sol, was extremely jealous about that lead to a deep seeded hatred for one another. Despite the fact that they were twins- he was technically born first. Which lore and law states thats just how it goes, 'The First Born- Next leader of Astra- Blah Blah Blah'... Either way, it was a responsibility she didn't want anyways and tried to escape that reality frequently. It had only brought her pain and sadness which didn't make for a good ruler anyways, at least... thats what she thought.

"Lets go Sentra-", The creature got up as Vera readjusted the saddle on its back, "Alright big boy-", she hopped on grabbing the reigns, "Lets get me back in time, yeah?", she smiled petting his sweet spot behind the ear. He took a second, plotting his course in his mind before he took full speed in less then 5 seconds. Baaratas are fast, with 6 legs they can reach top speeds up to 160 kilometers per mile which was, lets just say, really fast. She was some clicks outside the city but Sentra could get her there in minutes and as the wind surfed through her hair, he took off through the forest and fields straight back to the castle; both sensing that this day was the last they could be free like this.

-

Most towns and smaller cities around the continent travel to the Capital for such festivities, especially for important events like these. As you could imagine, the outskirts of the Capital were covered with tents for markets, games, and food. It was buzzing with pure happiness. A sense of peace most planets strive for and could only dream of. Everyone was cheerful.. happy- which only meant the rulers have been doing their job right. In their world, the Capital was a haven, a 'place where you could touch the gods' and they spent no expense proving that year by year for generations. I mean, the architecture alone was chiseled by hand in white stone by great architects ages ago. Each and every chisel, down to the finest detail was a story of Astra carved on massive pillars and arches all throughout the city; hidden by beautiful vines that sprouted purple and blue flowers that remain preserved and tended to daily. The Capital was a heaven in its own. 

As the young princess made her way getting closer to society, she patted her baraata gently on the neck, "Slow down Sentra.", Directing him behind a large tree right outside of the castle walls. She threw her cape on and lifted her hood, further concealing her identity from the public. "All right buddy, You know what the do.". The baraata took the necessary steps to remain hidden as he slowly made his way behind and through the tents that were outside of the castle, straight to the great stone wall protecting her foretress. Once he made it through, the princess guided him to one of the towers attached to the castle that protrude out from the walls enough to help them remain concealed while entering the courtyard above. She looked up, making sure the guards weren’t posted in the tower and on their breaks. She looked down to Sentra and nodded, confirming that it was time to enter. He took a few steps back before launching into the air and attaching himself to the Castle walls. He continued running up to the top, making it straight into the courtyard. Despite the busy day, the guards seemed to have lost their touch on security, which worked fantastically for the young princess. "Good boy.", She scratched his sweet spot before hopping off to guide them the rest of the way. As they snuck through courtyard into a fortress of marbled halls, she finally reached her room without being seen. A deep sigh exited her lips as she saw her hallway was empty. It was the perfect time to get to her room. As she stood directly in front of her door checking both ways for guards or maids, she slowly opened the door to her room quickly entering with Sentra before closing the door as quietly as possible. Once they were fully in, she exhaled and put her head on the door, grinning to herself, that yet again, they have not been caught. She was getting better at this. "Thank god", she whispered to herself, "Good thing you can climbs walls... huh Sentra?", before turning around….

She froze- instantly falling to her knees and bowed deeply, forehead to the cold marble flooring, tucking her arms into her chest preparing herself for the worst. "Father Im sorry I-", she began to panic, her heart racing faster than it had ever been before, "Shh!", he exclaimed before getting up to stand in front of her. Each footstep that echoed through the room meant more uncertainty the closer he got and as the steps stopped, she looked up slightly to see his shoes millimeters from her face. "Look at me child", he beckoned reaching his hand out to hers, pulling her up to her feet. She continued to look down trailing over to her mother sitting in the seat, trying to come up with something to calm them down.  "Mother, I-" 

**SLLLLLLLAAAAPPPPPP**

The princess fell down catching herself with one arm, pausing to realize what had happened. She brought her free hand to touch the stinging bruise that was coming on as a tear began down her face. Sentra immediately launched at the Queen only to be shocked in one swift move by her mothers lightening completely incapacitating the Baraata. He fell to the floor falling inches from the Queen with the electricity still making its mark rippling through his body. "SENTRA!", the princess screamed as she cupped her mouth. She couldn't do anything because if she moved... would she be next? Her eyes began to fill with angry tears but continued looking down because meeting her mother and fathers gaze or even moving a muscle would mean an uncertain future for her. Her father kneeled down beside her lightly grabbing her jaw, "If you leave the castle again GenoVera, you will remain here, in this room, for the rest of your life. Do I make myself clear?", The princess could only glare with tears streaming down her face- thinking that maybe dying in the forest would've been better at this point. Between her worries over Sentra and wishing she was never here, she couldn't utter a word. Completely lost in her thoughts as her father gave her a faint reminder by grazing his thumb over her bruised cheek, "Am. I. Clear?", He stated as she whimpered from the pain. She looked up meeting his golden eyes— a fire so scary that it only brought fear when you meet his gaze, "Yes your highness...", She sniffled before he roughly let go. As the King and Queen began to leave, General Cassius who witnessed the unnecessary horror gazed down to her and whispered "I'm sorry..", before exiting with the Perfecti.

She burst into tears and slowly crawled over to Sentra. The heart beat was there, but with her blood racing so much she couldn’t focus enough to wake him up. She broke down beginning to hate herself for not taking the last moment she had to be free. All she could do was cry in an endless song of tears and sadness. She curled up next to Sentra, completely isolated in her mind. Everyone believed being royalty was a good thing but they do not know what happens behind these walls, all it is, is fear. 

She laid quietly, hearing the laughter and festivities creep through her open window- sobbing into her companions fur and as time began to pass, seconds turning into minutes and minutes turning into hours, the sun began to fall and the Ritual... was that much closer.

________________________________________________________

Prequel ii : Fear

Timeline: 32 BBY

Summary: Genovera Areius, a young beautiful princess of Astra with ambitions well outside her role as royalty. Spending time out in the forests and on the water, she lived a wild hidden life and although the Coming of Age Ritual commencing in only a few hours- She wondered what would become of her and Astra this night.

Word Count: 2.4k

Warnings: Violence, War, Death, mentions of Blood

Rating: SFW

Notes:

*Kavanta Koortar is a coming of age ceremony once a royal member turns 14. This happens during mid-summer as its the point the planet is closets to the sun and moon (where its believed the Gods live) 

*Perfecti are the ruling King and Queen of Astra and hold special powers given by the gods to protect the planet and it’s people

*Maybe a curse word or two?

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Evening fell as the continuous sounds of laughter and drunk civilians echoed throughout the city. It was nearly time to begin the Ritual; The Kavanta Koortar for both herself and GenoVeras twin brother, Sol. Despite the circumstance of what happened earlier in the morning, GenoVera found herself patiently waiting in a beautiful temple; chiseled with archs of Astrian Kings and Queens, that had wings spanning to the high ceilings showing the beauty and pride in their people. The room itself was empty, only filled with a stone altar big enough for someone to lay down, and five statues that surround it that appear to be touching the altar with one hand. These statues were the Gods... 

She stood there, toe to stone at the altar. Alone and in the darkness, tracing her finger along the place when they would lay her to sleep to meet the gods. She scoffed, “what gods”... looking up to the effigies of all five of them circling the altar. She walked up to one of the statues that rest just slightly above the mantle and placed her hand gently on the piece of stone that was reaching out to touch where she was supposed to lay— "Are you even real..?", she whispered with a tear down her face before releasing her hand and falling to her knees, "All of you are the reason for my suffering...", she sniffled, wiping the tears drowning her cheeks, "Is it worth it..believing?", she looked up to the inanimate statue that remained in its position, solid and inattentive. Of course, talking to a statue wasn't going to do anything, but the hope that they were listening or even to give her a sign of their existence was just a small piece of what she wanted- and never got. After standing in silence for almost ten minutes, she gently removed her hand- burrowing in her sadness and began to walk away. 'This is all for nothing..', she thought to herself, making her way back to her room.  

-

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE CASTLE! OUR PRINCE AND PRINCESS WILL BEGIN THEIR ASCENSION!", Cheers filled the streets as a, mildly annoying, repeated message made its way throughout the castle and capital. The civilians began chanting their royals names while attempting to squish themselves around the castle to witness their bounty. Only the High royals and royal decedents, as well at the five powerful lords of the land and the councilmen were allowed to remain in the room, where the ritual took place. Everyone else stood outside in the courtyard, waiting in anticipation seeing their newly blessed prince and princess. Standing close to the alter stood the King, Queen, Sol, and GenoVera patiently waiting for the exact time Sol is supposed to 'ascend' and the moon was at its peak. Standing behind them were their sibilings, third oldest Cersi, fourth Estel, and the youngest Cronos accompanied by, who most of the kids thought of as their father, General Cassius. 

As the ritual began, and because Sol was born first, they laid the oldest twin down on the altar making him drink a blue liquid that sent him fast asleep. As he lay completely motionless, the statues began to glow. Sending a warm humming throughout everyones ears and for Vera it was comforting, it meant something was actually there. No one really talked about how long you were able to stay in contact with the Gods, but after 30 minutes or so of uncomfortable silence the air began to turn cold. Everyone inside the altar-room began to take notice, looking at each other then to their royals. "Something isn't right...", the Queen gazed towards her husband who was glaring maliciously at the altar. Small sounds of thunder and clouds began to fill the sky. "I know...", the King responded. Another 15 minutes passed and they continued waiting for Sols return, when suddenly the lights on the statues began to disappear one by one. This was something that never happened before and left the people in the room speechless. As each statue lost its glow, they began to crack directly across their faces. "Father...", GenoVera said, "Whats happening to Sol...", she pointed to her brother seeing the traces of his veins beginning to glow red, slowly overtaking his entire body. "Cassius take the Queen and the children. Evacuate them from the cas-", the city began to rumble cutting off the Kings orders. Everyone began to scatter, as small pieces of the castle started falling apart. Panic rose, sending people in all directions as a small rumble turned into a violent quake with the thunder turning into aggressive lightening strikes. A downpour of rain started to flood the city making the civilians retreat from the city. The screams started to grow louder and louder with each second that passed when all of a sudden... blaster fire? 

"LEAVE EVERYONE LEAVE NOW!", The king ordered, "EVACUATE THE CITY, EVACUATE ASTRA!", Cassius gathered the children including GenoVera leaving sol and the perfecti behind but before they could leave the room- darkness overtook it and everything turned black leaving only the statues losing their lights. The royals looked around, Cassius holding the 3 kids close while GenoVera stood behind her mother and father. "Im scared...", She whispered, "We will protect you..", the Queen stated brining her close, "Always...", the King added. A lightening strike hit the edge of the large window pane that was overlooking the temple room, highlighting a figure... There stood a man portraying only the silhouette against the violent storm. Each lightening strike only revealed portions of his face, either way no one could make it out who this man was. All they could sense was danger. Silence filled the room as the King and Queen stood in-front of the children and Cassius.

In a room of complete silence filled only by the strikes of lightening and the sounds of pounding rain, every statue except one had faded. Sol began to struggle, balling his fist, trying to bare the pain of what he was going through, "AHHH...ERGG..... AHHHHHHHHHHH!", you could tell he was in pain but GenoVera was so scared she couldn't move a muscle which only brought her attention back to the man before them. The 3 youngest ones began to cry and honestly she was about to as well. She looked at the intruder standing some ways in front of them -  She squinted trying to pin out the details when the lightening struck before he made a small movement; a metal object that fell out of this robe went directly into his hand, the King immediately drew his weapon made of pure black diamond and gold. The man scoffed and laughed maliciously before pushing the button on his device. A red glow began to erect itself from the top of the metal cylinder, a glow so malicious that filled the remaining light in the room with fear. Robotic figures began to infiltrate the space, the sounds clanking against the ground made their menacing red eyes piercing directly into the royals souls, haunting the moment they were in. It spelled fear and they were experiencing everything that word stands to mean. 

The overwhelming amount of... Robots? Plus this mysterious man made the King and Queen think of only one thing, "Cassius, take the kids and get them out of here now..." The king said before dropping his cape and reading himself in battle position. GenoVeras heart was racing. Not only was she afraid of the dark, she was afraid for their lives as the red that was surrounding them in the temple began to close them in. The intruder took his fist steps towards the royals as the king readied himself. "Cassius...", Queen mother said. She slowly turned her head back to them; the strands of her beautiful white hair falling before opening her eyes. What was once honey brown was now gold and glowing much like the statues, only warmer and alive. She had activated the power of the Perfecti, "Go..." Queen mother said. Cassius who has never seen the perfecti's power to this magnitude, at least enough to change their eyes, stood stunned knowing what this meant. He blinked a couple times bringing himself back to reality, picked up the two little ones and ran. GenoVera grabbed Cersis hand running closely behind Cassius looking back and saw her mother mimic the words "I love you"... before releasing an energy surge to disable the intruders allowing them to have a moment to escape.

-

Blaster fire zipped past their ears and everything fell into slow motion. Fires were building up as the smoke began to overtake the city. It was becoming a challenge to see and even breath. Dead bodies were scattered everywhere with burnt holes carved into some chests and others the head. It smelled of bloodied iron and burning flesh crept through their nostrils making their stomachs uneasy. It nearly made GenoVera puke as she covered her nose and mouth telling her little sister to mimic her... tears ran down GenoVeras face as she saw the ones she cared about lifeless and dead from her instructors to maids, they were all...dead. 'Whats happening to us..', She thought to herself trying to dodge while dragging a child behind her. 'How are we supposed to get out of this? Whats even going on? Who..no what are these...things?!', They continued running as local fire became more intense "GENNA YOU AND CERSI STAY DIRECTLY BEHIND ME! FOLLOW MY MOVEMENTS!" She got behind the general following his exact orders to the letter. As they continued through the battlefield of the castle outside in the courtyard, Cassius expertly dodged each laser and GenoVera copying his same movements, "Just like we practiced Genna!", Cassius smiled because he was seeing GenoVeras training actually paid off. She picked up a gun from one of the fallen robots and began shooting sloppily at foes in their path taking firing cover from cassius. They were the ultimate team and although she doesn't know how to work the gun very well they managed to get through the battlefield and behind enemy lines on the path to emergency platform. 

As they continued running GenoVera dropped the gun with her sister still in hand. Since there were no droids she didn't suspect to need it anymore when all of a sudden, Cassius drops directly in-front of them, making GenoVera and Cersi trip. He drops the children and gripped his stomach coughing blood from his mouth. "CASSIUS!!", GenoVera screamed as she began to panic looking down to the wound in his stomach. Dark red was all over his fingers as each heart beat spilled more each thump his heart took, turning his skin pale. "Go take them...", he struggled to say as she looked over to her baby brother and sister knocked out from the fall with laser fire zooming passed their ears. They walked right into an ambush meant to kill the remaining civilians in the castle, just their luck. Many of their soldiers were attempting to fight off the unidentified force but people began to drop one by one as their window of escape began to close. GenoVera couldn't think straight and began to panic, S\she had no idea what to do or expect for what came next. Being a 14 year old rebellious teenager, nothing could've prepared her for this moment. Her heart continued to race as she tried to devise a plan to get ALL of them out of there and to the emergency shuttle bay. She looked up to analyze the situation before more tears began to fall realized how fucked they were. "GENNA!", Cassius screamed, shaking her out of her panic attack. He reached his hand up to touch her face gently trying to utter small words, "Please...Go...", His breaths became more labored, blood spewing out of his mouth before taking his last breath... and as his hand fell, the life in his eyes disappeared leaving the safety of the young royals in GenoVera hands ... The world became still for a moment and GenoVera held him closely beginning to cry hard, unable to control the strangling emotions. The battle still ensued and the screams of her people began to haunt her soul. She closed Cassius eyes and laid him down before wiping the tears off her face. Her broken heart couldn't break any further thus making this moment the first time she closed her eyes to pray, seeking guidance from the gods- swearing to protect her siblings at all costs for she was the last one standing to protect them. 

She looked up and opened her eyes, peering at the situation finding a perfect escape route through the hidden tunnels of the castle. She grabbed a crying Cronos who, thank the gods, was alive and light enough for her to carry. She turned to Cersi who was holding their lifeless little sister, wide eyed and staring at the blood dripping from Estels chest. For what she thought couldn't break anymore shattered, "Es...", more tears rolled down her face as it was getting harder and harder to breathe. She closed her eyes to look away, trying to stop the panic that was coming. She grabbed Cersis hand dragged her to the tunnels leaving her little sister to rest with her beloved general. 

Despite the struggle finding the entrance of the escape tunnels, once securely inside GenoVera led them straight to the Emergency Shuttle Bay that was loaded with one on one battles between the robots and their people. She looked to her little sister and brother, "Okay guys...", wiping the tears from her cheeks, grabbing them by the shoulders, "time to be strong now... we have to be quiet okay??", She said trying to smile and contain the pain that was erupting from deep inside her. The children nodded in return, Cersi copying her sisters movements trying to be strong and Cronos still trying to figure out whats going on. They snuck their way behind the battle placing them directly behind the shuttle. Unfortunately for them, getting into the shuttle was not going to be easy considering the battles are taking place in-front the shuttle doors, however, that was the ship they needed to escape in. "Listen I have to turn on the shuttle and get the auto pilot ready, s.t.a.y.h.i.d.d.e.n", she strictly exclaimed leaving the kids in between 3 crates completely covered. Genna made her way to the opening on the ship hoping and praying no one was inside. She stood behind a crate peaking at the soldiers being overwhelmed by the robots. While noticing she didn't have enough time, she took the moment and ran into the ship, starting the engines. The droids stopped what they were doing to attack the fleeting vessel drawing attention towards her and the kids. She ran back out and signaling Cersi to bring her and her brother trying to take cover from the ongoing laser fire attacking them and the ship. 

There were only a few soldiers left who were being ignored by the droids in their pursue for the young royals giving them the perfect opening to provide cover for the royals:

Soldier #1: "GO PRINCESS....! GO!"

Soldier #2: "WELL PROVIDE COVER FIRE! GET OUT OF HERE!"

Soldier #3: "I PROMISE PRINCESS....WE WILL FIND YOU! HURRY!

The soldiers expertly blocked the laser fire with their swords protecting the royals while the others took to the scaffolding providing areal cover. A small grin crossed her lips, thanking them internally for the opening they gave her. Genna ran to grab her siblings carrying cronos across her chest protecting his head. Cersi ran in first with Genna close behind but before she made it halfway up the ramp, she sensed a laser creeping up behind her. She cupped the back of Cronos head protecting him from any major damage if he got hit and swiftly moved turning to face towards the battle dodging the laser landing directly on her back. She used her free arm to push herself up a little just to watch the last to soldiers fall to their deaths and the door began to close. Genna laid there relieved that they made it. Holding Cronos tightly to her chest. "Okay Cronos...", She took a deep breath sitting herself up, "...were safe now..", a lifeless body rolled onto the floor, no movements of any kind, not even a breath. "Cro....-", she quickly got on her all fours crawling to her baby brother... shaking him violently while Cersi, who was standing directly next to them tightly grabbing the clothes on her chest as she fell to her knees. 

The emergency autopilot of the ship began to take off the rumbling on the ship indicating their exit from the atmosphere, leaving their planet behind and directly in-front of them laid their lifeless baby brother who wasn't even 3 yet. "Cro...CRONOS!!", She shook him violently and began CPR only to see that the wound went directly through his heart. She brought her hands up, feeling the warmth of his blood trickle down her fingers as she began to piece together what happened. She dropped her hands and her head- there was no pain like this. There was no sadness like this, no hatred... and as the two princess drifted into hyperspace they left behind everything they have ever known and became the last of the Astrain bloodline.

________________________________________________________

Prequel iii : Changing Paths

Timeline: 32 BBY

Summary: Devastation was something that these girls have never experienced- until now. Feeling hopeless and lost GenoVera finds something in herself to make whatever this was- work and now that the whole galaxy knows about the Great Invasion of Astra, the girls are left with a path only they could manipulate to ensure their survival. 

Word Count: 1.2k

Warnings: Trauma, mentions of blood and death

Rating: SFW

Notes:

________________________________________________________

What was it like? Freedom...? Not being chained to the shackles of responsibility? No... Freedoms Pain...

Suffering...

Blood...

WAR

This isn't what she wanted, much less...it wasn't what she asked for. Millions of dead Astrians and being the only survivals of the bloodline to escape, put a huge target on their back. With distinguished looks; white wavy hair and honey gold eyes made it easy for people to target them. They needed to go into hiding. GenoVera... At the tender age of 14, now had a responsibility to care for her little sister and protect her from the darkness that was coming. That thought alone tore her to pieces. Even after the intense training she went through over the years with her father and Cassius, she couldn't possibly keep the any of them safe. Fact of the matter is- both Cersi and Genna were still kids and that thought alone shot through her heart, stirring the upmost amount of uncertainty- making her feel uneasy . She turned on the ships power and glanced over to Cersi sleeping in the copilots chair. 'She must of cried herself to sleep', GenoVera thought bringing her attention back to the ships console. She turned on the auto pilot screen to assess their destination and come up with a plan to conceal themselves. "Alderaan..?", she whispered, remembering the time Bail Organa came to visit with Father. She gave a half smile, knowing that the man they were being sent to was a safe haven and felt comfortable enough with that thought alone to lean back in her chair. She took a glance over at the ETA bar wondering if it really took 3 days to get there. What would she even say? What would he say? What if they don't accept them? Where were they gonna go? "I have to protect her...", she uttered softly and with heavy eyes she glanced over to her sister sleeping soundly, wondering if she was fairing better than herself. Even after all of these thoughts and questions that continue to flutter in her already weakened mind. "why...", she asked trying to seek the answers to her pain.

A single tear fell down her cheeks as she slowly found herself tailing sleep.... back into darkness.

- 

Soldier #1: "GO PRINCESS....! GO!"

Soldier #2: "WELL PROVIDE COVER FIRE! GET OUT OF HERE!"

Soldier #3: "I PROMISE PRINCESS....WE WILL FIND YOU! HURRY!"

GenoVera: "CASSIUS! ESTEL! Cro...CRONOS!"

RUN! RUN! RUN! 

Blaster fire zipped passed her ears and as she continued running the ghosts of her people glowing of gold stood in front of her. She stopped falling just a few feet from them. She looked around  Blood dripping to the floor creating a pool of red. 

GenoVera: "no..."

she shook her head as a line that flowed directly from the pool a blood slowly creeped to her from all directions. 

GenoVera: "no...!"

She continued to shake her head starting to panic, she  took a few steps back and turned around only to see the ghosts of her Mother and Father staring back at her; the same pool of blood itching its way close and closer. 

GenoVera: "No...!!!"

She screamed and there appeared... Cassius, Estel and...Cronos 

GenoVera: "NOOOOOOO...!!!!!!"

She nearly broke her vocal cords screaming at the top of her lungs and covering her ears. She felt to her knees and more images of her people death popped into mind. Tears began to stream down her far creating her own pool of... blood and her body began to shake "Genna!" a soft voice, warm....inviting began to fill her ears. "Genna its me! Wake up!"

"Oh...thats right....", GenoVera said looking up to the ghosts, "Im dreaming..." then proceeded to close her eyes until the warm voice got louder bringing her back to the living. 

GenoVera shot herself up inhaling deeply. Sweat was dripping down her face hearing only her sister repeatedly asking if she was okay and that she was having a nightmare. She looked around disoriented and eyes heavier than the ship itself. She motioned to turn the console on... 

-ETA: 2 hours-

"TWO HOURS?!", Genna exclaimed, "I JUST FELL ASLEEP!!", She quickly got the ship ready to emerge from hyperspace. "Cersi how long-?", her little sister cut her off bringing saddened eyes up to her big sis, "Almost 2 days...", Genna matched her eyes in disbelief and continued to shake her head and apologize for sleeping so long. With a dream like that she never wanted to fall asleep again, however that brought her attention directly to Cersi wondering, "what were you doing while I was asleep?", peering over to the little girl who looked like shes been through a war and then some, "I slept too. I just woke up from a nightmare...", She buried her hands in her knees bringing them up to hug herself as little tears began to formulate in her eyes, "I saw them... All of them- ghosts....of a different kind", she began to weep as Genna came to the conclusion that they had the same dream. She walked over to hug her sister who was now in full tears curled in the copilots seat. This wasn't the Freedom she prayed to the gods for. This was hell. Genna closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. 'This isn't the time to be weak...', She quickly opened her eyes glaring at the universe in disappointment, 'you've failed us'.... Nevertheless- She has a duty now, a new duty. Thus changing the course of their destiny entirely. 

The beeping from the ships navigation systems started to ensue, showing the girls that they are within range of the planet and should drop out of hyperspace. GenoVera placed a hand on Cersi's cheek bringing her face up to meet hers, "Everything will be different now..." Genna looked out the front window of the ship watching them drop out of hyperspace directly in front of the beautiful planet Alderaan. "We get to write our own destiny... and we will get our home back. I promise you.", Cersi looked wide eyed to her oldest sister seeing hope illuminate her presence. She knew with Genna protecting her, everything will be okay. Cersi smiled grabbing the hand that was on her cheek and squeezed it tightly, "Genna... I believe in you." 

-

After Exiting hyperspace, guards who were surprisingly expecting their arrival escorted the two princesses to Aldera, Alderaans Capital City and when the girls broke the news to Organa himself. Even with all the information they divulged he simply replied, " I know...", explaining that an emergency distress message was sent from the Queen herself explaining the situation and what to do thus, the girls journey began. They were fitted for an identification change which included appearance and during that time Organa made a plea to the galactic council to seek asylum on Coruscant but was further denied because of the sensitive information that was brought to them in terms of the man that started this. There was darkness rising and having a target on their back could bring harm to very important people on the home planet of the Republic. Instead of shying away like most of the Republic did, Organa set a plan into motion by having them receive an education in Naboo and to further rumor the galaxy to believe that they are dead. 

Until they weren't.

Next

[1-800-c0sm1c]

꒰bad dracula !꒱

sumire is breaking the bias of vampires, one attractive fluffy haired boy at a time.

character x character ship

includes sumire & joker !

warnings : slight spoilers for p5r (kasumi // sumire) , might be a lil ooc (?)

word count : 1917

a/n : happy halloween ! ive been really busy this week so this is a bit rushed but i really wanted to get something out for spooky season !! definitely not my best work as i havent written char x char in a hot minute but i hope you still enjoy

the month of october is supposed to be the most important to those like sumire. but truthfully, shed rather it just didnt exist entirely. the holiday season was hardly a celebration, and the young vampire found herself leaving the castle much more often than usual.

it started out as just a distraction, albeit a bad one. staring longingly at the civilians below her, living her ideal life always filled with a sense of envy. it was unfair. why was she unable to be normal? 

she had begun to memorize the silhouettes of the people who would unsuspectingly walk past the mountain her family estate looked out from. however, one boy in particular would always catch her eye. shed only caught a few glances of his face, but that was more than enough to prove that she wanted to get closer to him, and not just his backside.

maybe october wasnt all bad, at the very least sumire was able to blend in with those around her, just as long as her mouth was covered. but not being able to talk would make her seem rude, wouldnt it? that meant approaching the handsome stranger was out of the question, especially because every solution she could come up with was a dead end. this hadnt been the first time shed try to forcibly remove her sharp fangs, and she felt like a bit of an idiot for even attempting again.

one night while walking through town, she came face to face with the stranger, literally. without looking where she was going, she bumped into his taller frame, being launched backwards onto the ground. you know, when she was pondering whether or not she should come talk to him tonight, this wasnt what she had in mind. “oh, my bad! are you okay?” sumire is brought back to reality and realizes that woah, he is very close to her face and is criminally attractive. she almost entirely forgets the one rule she had set for herself, not to speak to anyone, and grabs his extended hand with the most awkward head nod possible. 

“make sure you watch where youre going from now on, some people arent as nice when you bump into them.” he laughs, and there must be literal hearts in the young vampires eyes right now. she covers her mouth, muttering a small “youre right, ill be more careful.” before hes slowly getting closer again. “are you sure youre alright? is your mouth bleeding?” at this point, sumires nerves are on fire, and if this continues hes going to mistake the blush on her face for her running a fever. 

“uhm, yeah im totally fine!” the handsome stranger doesnt seem convinced. “i dont think ive ever seen you around before, but then again im not really from here. im ren by the way, a second year.” sumire is about ready to hit herself over how easy it was to actually get to start a conversation with him, but the fact that she cant be normal is enough of a reason for her to lock herself in the castle for another 100 years. 

“im uhm… sumire. sumire yoshizawa.” he laughed again, something sumires not sure her heart will ever get used to. “yeah, i know. this is yours by the way.” he holds out the id that fell out of her pocket when they bumped into each other. he looks at it once more before handing it to her. “didnt realize you were older than me, my apologies.” shes correcting him before she even realizes what shes doing. “oh! uhm, its actually a fake. im only a first year.” yeah, that sounded believable enough right? what difference is there really between being 15 and 1500? “is that so?  well you surely fooled me, i guess it works.” she scoffs. “oh please, i clearly look way younger than you!”

sumires guard is down, and ren manages a glimpse at what she was so desperately trying to hide in her mouth. “hey thats pretty cool! getting your halloween costume ready?” her heart sinks, but only slightly. how could she be so stupid? of course people wont question it during the holiday season. “well now that you mention it, yeah! pretty realistic right?” “definitely! hey, if youre free, you should come to my friends halloween party!” a party? nobodys ever invited sumire to one of those before. she hasnt even had someone to call a friend before. she cant help herself but excitedly say yes.

they quickly exchange numbers, ren sending both the address and time, before they go their separate ways. those around sumire dont miss her overwhelming excitement for the next week and a half.

its the day before rens friend, ryujis party. hes asked to meet with her before the party so they can arrive together, and sumires heart is on fire. they meet on the hill in front of her familys castle, and calling ren intimidated was an understatement. 

it was a silly idea really, he knew hed never be able to top how realistic sumires costume was, but he thought itd be fun to try anyways. he was not expecting sumire to appear in an extravagant dress, (hopefully) fake blood, and those same perfect fangs. “you really went all out, huh?” she nods. “oh, but dont worry, the red thing is just ketchup!” he smiles. “yeah i figured. whyd you choose a vampire?” 

sumire was afraid hed ask that question. especially since she didnt have a believable enough answer. “...well, my mom calls me a bad dracula. she tells me to be scarier, but im a bit different!” “i think its clever to take a popular costume and make it different!” oh cool, hes clueless. that surely isnt going to get her anywhere.

the walk to ryujis is horribly awkward, for reasons sumire cant quite put her finger on. shes searching for anything to talk about that hopefully wont scare ren away. “you know, ive never been to party before, but i just wanna have fun dancing! especially under the moon like this.” “well dont be scared, some of my friends are a bit much, but i promise that theyre nice people. and im sure youll crush it on the dance floor, youre already dancing in my heart, after all.” there he goes again with that dreamy smile, the one sumire struggles to find the right words around.

her face reddens, and she finds herself hiding herself in his chest. if she werent undead, sumire swears that ren would be the death of her. he wraps his arms around her, along with his long black coat. “you know, its not necessarily easy to walk with you on me like this, not that im complaining or anything.”

in typical ryuji fashion, his party is a tad bit boring, and further proves you cant leave him in charge of anything. after about two hours straight of dancing, ren had decided to ditch the party, in favor of watching the moon. sumire found him on top of the same hill he had met up with her at. “it looks a little bit like youre stalking me.” “thats bold coming from you, since this is basically right in front of my house.” “i guess you got me there. what do your parents do to be able to afford a creepy place like this, anyways?” “well ive already told you dummy. were vampires.” ren laughs. “its almost as amusing as it was the first time. no, but seriously, are they like, in the mafia or something?” sumire shakes her head. “dont you think even if they were i probably wouldnt tell you?”

ren rolls his eyes light heartedly. “fine then, keep your secrets.” she goes to sit down next to ren on the grass.“its not my fault if you dont believe me. i really shouldnt have even been down in the city that one night we bumped into each other anyways.” sumire shrugs. “and why is that? were you grounded or something up in the big spooky tower?” “i mean sort of. my dad always tells me to be colder to humans, but then ill get a stomachache.” she lays her head on rens shoulder.

“.... if youre really a vampire, why havent you bitten me yet?” sumire sighs. “how many times do i have to tell you? im a bad dracula for a reason! i wont ever hurt you, im a vegetarian after all.” her breath on his neck should have been the warning to run, but he found himself believing her words. “its just a little hard to believe, you know? does that mean other supernatural beings exist?” ren got over his doubts and fears surprising quick, and sumire couldnt help but smile at the way his face lit up.

“i can neither confirm nor deny that. but see? isnt it so much better when you ignore the backend talk thats reflected by the moon?” she pouts. “everybody always paints us out to be so bad. i mean sure, some of us are, but then it makes it just that much harder for vampires like me. like, why do i have to wait until cold october nights every year just to go out? fake id and everything?” ren grabs her hand. “well i guess ive just never really thought about it before. especially since i didnt even know you were being for real until about 2 minutes ago.”

“you can feel my fangs if you want to, for you know, more proof.” she blushes at her own words. did she really just say that? ren nods. sumire moves from laying her head on his shoulder to sitting on rens lap, facing him. his touch is gentle, not like hes afraid of her, but more so that he worries any more pressure and shell break like glass. nobodys ever treated sumire like that before, like she was something that needed to be protected.

 his hand rests on her cheek, thumb on her bottom lip. she slowly opens her mouth, attempting to put her fangs on full display. “be careful, theyre sharp.” she mutters. ren mouths an “okay”, before he places his thumb on one of the teeth. he strokes his thumb over it with stars practically in his eyes. “so cool!” he whispers, like anything louder would ruin the moment. sumires face reddens. ren rests his hand on her thigh.

“so.. hypothetically speaking, if you were to bite someone, does the blood go through the fangs like a straw and straight into your body? or do you still have to like… suck it yourself?” sumire blinks slowly. “that sure is… a first. no, theyre not straws…” ren snaps his fingers, a confident smirk on his face. “damn, looks like futaba owes me 20 dollars.” “did you seriously make a bet on that?” she giggles. “well duh, it was the only logical way to solve it.” sumire glares at him playfully. “okay, okay! my bad, dont bite me!”

she gasps, “i would never!” he pats her head. “i know, i know. im just messing with you.” sumire lets out a “hmph!” sound, turning her head away. “oh come on, dont be like that, im sorry.” he gently kisses her cheek, and as soon as its happened its over. ren cant help but smile at how quickly she whips her head back around, face bright red. he was about to apologize until sumire places a soft kiss on his lips.

“there… now were even.”

grrr why are endings so hard :sob: anyways fic is inspired by bad dracula by red velvet teehee im so tired ^^;;

[shushthisaintmytumbla]

I guess its the Summer Solstice so here we are again! 6/21/23

Wow I knew I neglected my last pot but here we are back even later than the last one! Like i say everytime it is wild to see how much has changed in my life the past couple of years. Ups down and everything in between I come back to this spot everytime and see the growth I’ve made. All by myself. All for myself. I cant always see it but moments where I read back on the past I am brought right back to those moments and never lose sight of how I felt in the past. 

I keep seeing on TikTok that today is a Summer Solstice meaning it is a great opportunity for manifestations so lets try this out why not! I guess I’ll start by giving a quick synopsyis of my life from the past 10 months or however long (wow sorry I abandoned this for that long!!!!)

Lets start with Work. I am still at the same OI job and feel like I have grown sooo much. I cant say im perfect at my job, but I know I have made a shit load of progress that i’m very proud of. I shifted off of working with my mngr which has made the biggest impact on my happiness at the job. I was going from having weekly panic attacks to not even having to review a single email anymore. I am really proud of myself for treading through the mud and getting to the point where I am at now. Now for the manifestation segment. I am going to get a promotion soon. This SUMMER! I FEEL IT. I am such a hard worker and really have gained the experience to move up in the company. I am confident it will happen in the next couple months. I cant wait to come back here and tell you all about it. It will be my first real promotion at a job which is something that I’ve really wanted to achieve since I havent gotten to this point at any of my previous jobs. You got this Case. 

Now for relationships. Tricky subject and yep you guessed it D is still around. I have tested a coupe other relationships with E and A and C... but somehow D makes it through the motions of every single season. I do want to touch on E for a sec. I have grown to build an amazing relationship with him, but I havent seen him for a few weeks and I feel like the relationship is starting to fade. Im sick of getting 100% and then a week later not even 1%. I am fully aware it has nothing to do with me and more so his own struggles, but I do need to realize at the end of the day that its ok to want more from someone and he cant give me what I need as much as hes shown me how I can be treated in a healthy way. He’s the boy Ive always dreamt of how someone can treat/care for you, but this story just isnt ours at this point in time. Who knows what the future holds. Now D. Oh boy. As we all know its been a fucking roller coaster. I have felt the highest of highs w him and the lowest of lows. I do hold love for him (but not so sure ive ever been in love... idk what that even is lmao). We’ve gotten to a point where I feel like I have been holding my power for quite some time now. I don’t have the same anxieties as I had for him in the past and i don’t prioritize him over others. We’ve tried not speaking (jan 2023) for a couple weeks and ultimately he just came back and I allowed it. I cant cut him out of it killed me. It’s so fucking hard. I am working on figuring out his place in my life and how we can carry on without hurt, but I feel like I am slowy falling back in the trap/cycle. We had a really nice day together the other weekend and I felt those anxious attachment feelings creeping in... I need to remember the things that have happened and try to prepare for the worst, but is it crazy to say that what if we are meant for each other? The other day I was able to imagine being in a relationship with him and it shocked me how I felt so good the whole day. Idk prob the worst thought ever but.. idk.. why are we magents to each other? Lastly I wanna touch on friendships and new york life. My friends here are still the same (but Karina now lives in Miami) and I love them so much, but I’ve been feeling myself longing for my relationships in LA. There are many weekends where my friends here are out of town and I feel left alone many times. In LA I would have the comfort of my family when friends arent around, but theyre 100s of miles away from me. I really miss them so fucking much it hurts. I think the longer I am away the more and more I realize how special my family is. I especially feel bad being away from my mom. She asks me nearly everytime we talk when I’ll come back and little does she know I’ve been toying with the idea of returning once my lease is up. If not that I think I have 1 year left in me. It still shocks me to say it and feel confident in that, but I really miss my family. Thats truly the only thing pulling me back bc I love this city and who I have become here so damn much. Im not putting too much pressure on the decision as I still have 10 months on my lease, but it is in the back of my mind. I feel like I’ll lead myself to the right choice soon though. So much would change though. I told D the other day about the idea and he said he would be so sad which kinda surprised me. It would be the end for us if I did move back which im not sure is a good or bad thing. Sometimes I tell myself the love of my life is not here and I wont meet them till I move back lol. Im not sure where the future is gonna bring me, but im confident in myself to do what is right for me. Leaving my friends here would also be horrible, but at the end of the day if they are the friendships I believe them to be, we will still be as close as ever and planes exist!! I guess thats kinda it for now. But this is still the start to an amazing summer with so much fun in store I can feel it!!! I have a trip to the shore coming up next weekend and then im going back home for my bday end of july - aug. Later in the summer I am going to portugal with my family!!! and something BIIGGGG is gonna happen in the fam :o Cant write it in words here till it happens. Until then, I love you. Im proud of you. and life is always working out in my favor. <3  Love,

C

[anandasamsara]

i guess im in a new low for my depression

im kind of afraid of going outside. its not really fear, but its uncomfortable to think about getting out of the house and i feel like i dont deserve to??

which tangles with the "there are relatively good things happening between the bad ones, but the good things happening arent the ones that should be happening, so i cant feel good about them"

like, i guess my parents are actually really divorcing this time, which is the bad thing, but ive been able to get a few conventions down for the next two months, which should be good, but what i actually need to happen is a real job that i can use to pay rent if/when my dad goes away, which is both bad and good, bc i dont actually want a job bc i dont feel like i can put up with any more stress, but i do want dad to leave bc its been impossible with him here, so i need the job...

my anxiety has also been manifesting as rashes and acne bc the feeling isnt enough anymore for my brain to let me know there are things wrong all around even tho theres not much i can do about it other than worry

i also dont feel human bc i dont want to deal with everything, i dont want a job, i dont want to feel, ive been sleeping for like almost 15 hours per day, havent washed my hair in two weeks and dont feel any motivation to keep going

im trying tho, but the only thing that makes me feel a little bit better is thinking about the big convention thats coming up in july, but i know i shouldnt be thinking about it bc i need a stable job and income to pay the bills, and then it stresses me out and i feel burnt out and not wanting to exist

and then i catch myself thinking on how much better my mom's life would have been if i wasnt born, and then i blame my parents for everything bc i sure as hell didnt ask to be here and have to deal with expectations in a world that will never be accomodating to any of my limitations that i only learned i had after becoming a legal adult bc i was the gifted child and never had to think about it before

and this limitations keep surprising me still bc now i cant keep up with my friends for most things, i cant lift much weight even tho my arms can take it, i cant go up anything steeper than a 20° angle without struggle, cant be on my feet for more than 4 hours a day, and if its cold or too hot it goes down to 2 hours max, if i get cramps on my left leg it can take up to 3 days to get better and who know wht can happen if i fall down stairs again. theres a hook holding the bone in place, and if i break it, no idea if it can be fixed

and im still called lazy, or irresponsible, or someone has the guts to send me a job offer of babysitter or tell me that if i have to leave the post grad to be a cashier in a supermarket, that's life for me

i did leave, i cant afford it and it was turning out to be an awful place with awful professors

i was counting with the conventions to keep the post grad and try to go back to therapy, but this is the second month with none and as i get desperate, i also get hit repeatedly with my own limits and my own self worth that says i only have my body in this life so i shouldnt sacrifice it, but then i know i wont have much choice soon, so again, why am i even here to start with? i did not sign up for this, i do not want to be here

[kh4]

why are you on a twitter byf?

hi, youre actually not the first person to tell me this tonight! i Also have no idea why im on a blacklist. i want to clear some stuff up because i was told this three (3) times. i dont exactly like that i have to reply to this publicly because i dont even make personal posts but i think this whole thing is out of hand and has been for a while.

im putting this under a Read More because its long and im finally able to air out some of my feelings about the situation.

TLDR: devin has lurked and kept tabs on me for three years and its exhausting that i have to address it like this of all places. if you need proof or anything feel free to dm me.

this is soooo. okay so i met this person in 2019 from the best of my memory because ive been trying for about an hour to get onto my old blog but i cant remember the login at all, and she and i had done a few dms just about whatever. and then she wanted to make these two kin doubles who hated each other or something be friends again, please note we all shared the same kin, and stirred up some problems.

then, after this happened, her host (or she did? regardless she admitted that she was involved in the creation) had made a callout blog for one of them despite my attempt to steer this off from happening, and i was ignored. i think my last message to her directly, and im not kidding here, was in jan 2020 (three full years ago!).

after this i made the choice, for myself, to soft her on tumblr. i no longer wanted anything to do with the situation, i think kin drama is stupid and im sure it was more personal than kin things from what she had told me, but i had no intention of being involved further. or know any of these people. like at all. after i softed her, she made a post about taking a hiatus after she deleted the callout blog and thats it from what i know about her tumblr because it was deleted soon after iirc.

8 months later she tried to follow my twitter, and i recognized her. i considered it a lottt, but i really didnt want that kind of energy stirring up things again in my life because 2020 was an absolute fucking Disaster of a year enough. so i softed her from my twitter because of this for my own mental health.i havent had a direct message with her since early 2020.

i know nothing about her, her life, anything because i wanted as much distance from that whole situation as possible. i didnt get to know her well enough with her to call her my friend or anything, and everything that happened so soon after we did start talking really made me not feel like i wanted to be friends or get to know her better if this was her vibe. she has made posts about missing me, when i feel as though i never warranted the title of friend at all because she basically just vented to me a couple times before this started and i didnt and still dont have the energy to deal with that kind of person.

i have found out, however, she has fucking LURKED me likely for three years. shes posted about how ensemble stars reminds her of an ex friend (which, she didnt get to know me enough to be my friend, and its pretty obvious this post is about me because my special interest is ensemble stars) and i got into it in mid 2020 so she shouldnt possibly know i ever got into it without lurking me. its some creepy shit ill be honest with you.

she knew and made posts about how my psychotic ass had delusions about being w/ilbur ds-p from nov 2021- mid 2022 because i like. Was in a horrible state and related to how self destructive he was or whatever but i got better and got my life together and dont do that at all anymore. i dropped it and i have most terms blacklisted (and the series itself) because it reminds me of those racist assholes and also of a horrible time in my life im still recovering from.

i have no fucking clue how this could affect her or she would even know. seeing as this was wayyyyy beyond the time i knew her. however this proves she was lurking me to myself and people who know me personally… we're all insanely confused. shes had no reason to keep up with anything about me for three years and im pretty much sick of it haha. ive been quietly freaking out over how scary shes been acting about me and whatever idealized version of what or who i was she had assumed during the very short time i knew her because i didnt want to start anything.

thank you for reading this. i hope this stops soon because i dont want to keep dealing with something thats happened 3 years ago and it happened because i didnt even want to be involved in things. its just unfair and makes me feel insanely uncomfortable im still a hot topic for her even though she hasnt messaged me or anything since following my twitter and being softed. it makes me feel weird and its just weird to me.

[haeroniel-doliet]

A lil updates and thoughts going on rn! Mostly about art again :') putting it under read more tho bc it got away from me again all rambly lmao

Hooo wheee! Life has been a little busy huh. Finally going to work again even if it is pretty much part time, other hobbies im keeping up with, trying to keep up on life admin and its going almost well! Shame im realizing i havent worked on my drawings in well over a month now 😅

Part of me is slightly dreading going back to them rn bc ive spent hours and hours on them already and they still need many hours before i post them....

You know that one guy on like tiktok/youtube shorts whos a really friendly old artist with a hobbit hole studio and does like 1hr paintings that look incredible? Obviously i dont expect myself being rusty and also not with years and years of experience to do the same but wouldn't that be the dream? To be able to just create and be done and happy with it in just an hour or a few and move on. How sad it is how many things i have started and not finished, outting in hours and hours where it doesnt really make even a super significant difference.

Also its that dinluke positivity week thing (god i hope this doesnt show up in the tag lmao sorry) i was really hyped months ago thinking its great prompts and great time to partake in my favourite fandom especially before february 2023 inevitably changes the scene in some way! But all of a sudden mid november is here and thats kinda terrifying! I have no clear idea for any of them, nothing im like desperate to draw and my current drawing doesnt really fit them either. Im thinking maybe i should try like, giving myself idk 2 hrs max to just make something beginning to end and if i hate it its ok i dont have to post it. But maybe i will and it could be fun! Sure i am too tired to properly do anything but idk, even making one post could give me excitement and hype for things i used to enjoy and something that isnt just real life and like job related.

To be fair i could also go for the much more guaranteed dopamine boost and play a video game ive been thinking of playing again for months. Sure i dunno which to choose and im not like super inclined to anything even tho i would like to play multiple of them again, just playing alone is a little boring i guess.

The more i spend just overthinking the quicker my sunday will be over and ill have to do next week and god knows ill be busy!! I should try drawing bc its there floating in my mind and could be easier to slip in into the day routine to do a little here and there rather than like, playing skyrim for 30 mins loll. Or oblivion bc for some reason ive been missing it. Or battlefront, even tho that is really hard to play without really trying my hardest and getting readjusted to the pace of it

Alright ok im gonna set up my digital art stuff, im gonna challenge myself to sketch something on theme for all the prompts and see what ends up catching my attention. If i can do 1 or even a couple of them thatd be really really neat!

[kweebtrash]

Literally forget the fact that i havent been active for like 2 years or whatever i was in my feelings and wanted to write about this.

Im not into kpop anymore, i mean not as hardcore as i used to be; constantly keeping up with comebacks, spending hundreds of dollars on traveling and concerts and hi-touch, buying albums and furiously hoping for my bias’ PC,etc.

I was already on the tail end of getting out of kpop but when i got with my partner i just fell out of it completely (they listen to kpop occasionally even before they met me.) But kind of the terrible mistakes i made on here and me working so hard on stories and them falling flat made me dip out completely.

BUT lately i’ve been wanting to listen to kpop just casually. I’m actually listening to my faves playlist now and “Shine” came on and it’s like my whole body stopped and i really wanted to cry?? Pentagon means a lot to me. They’re one of my ult groups and i legitimately almost threw up at the concert because i was so excited. I cried when Dawnie got kicked out, i was there watching the youngest three grow up, listening to Jinho being talented Jinho, all that stuff. But Shine was what got me back into Kpop in 2017.

I’m a second gen stan so i started in 2011 or so, all the way back to when BigBang was nice and wholesome and amazing and the music videos were way weirder and cringey-er. I fell out of it and Shine just grabbed me by the hair and was like COME BACK BITCH. And that song makes me so incredibly happy? It flooded back all these memories of going to KCon 2018, back when i didn’t even KNOW the member’s names but i was like I LOVE YOU ALL. It led me to stray kids and of course i had my obsessive BTS phase (and the NCT one after that. Hello Johnny) I made so many friends and genuinely enjoyed it so much, not only as a hobby but as a way to meet people. I miss talking to the people i’ve made friends with on here, the people who enjoyed my work, and not necessarily the people i made mistakes with lol but it was still a learning experience. All of those memories came back at once and i was suddenly just so fckn sad that i dont have that same feeling of happiness or those friends anymore. That i CANT write anymore because i just havent been able to create ANYTHING that i like. No fanfiction, no DND stuff, no worldbuilding. Just a few OC’s here and there that i’ve just thrown out because nothing seems right.

Kpop used to be so special. Back in 2011 when i was in high school, kpop was weird. It was all like “Why are you listening to music when you don’t even understand it??”. It felt unique and so fresh and for the weird emo kid that i was i was like a kpop hipster. That sounds terrible but that’s what it felt like. It used to be impossible for me to get ANY kpop merch and ever since BTS took over America and all the other groups after and we have merch left and right and kpop stores in the states it doesnt feel as special anymore. Not to mention the fanbases are younger and it weirds be out when like some teenager is over here calling Felix daddy when that child doesn’t even know the first thing about being dominate. Also my birthday is at the end of the month and im old now, lol. The groups keep getting younger and it’s kinda like in anime. I can enjoy it as a whole but it feels strange to have the children sexualized and not very many older members. A lot of them are older now in the groups that i like but it still feels strange to be almost 30 and fawning over people younger than me. My partner is 3 years younger than me and i still feel like i’ve robbed a cradle.

Anyway, i’m just in my feelings and stressed because i have life things going on but i basically only talk to 2 people that i’ve met from kpop and while i love them dearly it was nice talking to a lot of people online. But now i wonder if i could find other friends who will talk to me about shit outside of kpop. I know everyone has other hobbies besides this but i’ve never gotten to know that side of the people i talked with. Like, i never really got any writer friends and i DESPERATELY need some, i’m not that up to date on anime but like i’m shoving down 1000 year war and chainsaw man and Tuca and Bertie (that’s not an anime but an in general animation). I know everyone and their mom like’s DND now but let me see how you play it, the worlds you created, your OC’s. it’s kinda sad that i’m almost 30 and cant actually make friends lmao. I guess i might feel a little sad bc my partner has like a billion online friends and i would just like other people to talk to again about our interest, even if it’s still kpop from time to time.

Shine just made me think of some happier times in my life and all the good feelings i had and it’s kinda gone now and i just spent like 30 minutes at work writing this because my playlist made me sad. Let me leave now lol

But wait quick embarrassing PS: yesterday while i was stoned i realized that my partner is messy Johnny (minus the fuckboi). Like bad at expressing emotion, looks cold but is an actual baby, actually really sensitive, a mama’s boy, a stoner, constantly trying to make straight A’s and working hard and stressing. I really wrote about my dream guy lmao

ok, now bye. im embarrassed i wrote this