#i jist want to not think yknow

[straykats]

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[sleepyblr-heart]

also a couple other images (ft half baked ixol and mino designs)

[farshores]

So how would follower Tei react to killing Partysnax

Pretty much a "lol k cool."

before getting back to bounties

[yongislong]

love language + dreamies.

genre: fluff and domestic! nonidol!dreamies but tbh its not really implied, i just love college au nct lol

note: tysm for requesting anon! i hope this is what you wanted AHH and i hope you all enjoy, kinda proofread

mark... honestly i feel like a mix of words of affirmation, quality time and physical touch. he likes to show you how much you mean to him and he's not afraid to tell you often. also likes spending time with you, even if it's time spent doing nothing, it's still meaningful to him because he has you there with him. as for the physical touch, i think i've said this before but he is touchy just, without realizing it lol. his skin to skin affection would be so subconscious to him. he likes receiving affection in words and physical forms but also likes giving it! sometimes he doesn't realize he's being touchy lot of the time, it's just this pull that he has towards you and he can't seem to shake it

renjun... hmmmm acts of service? he gets told on a daily basis how amazing, wonderful and pretty he is but when someone actually does something about it is when i think he finds it more meaningful, so i feel like that would trickle into the way he shows you how much he loves you as well. would want to do things for you and would honestly also buy or make you things that remind him of you just because words can only do so much in his mind. he likes quality time a lot, any time he gets to spend with you is nice. would prefer to do something alone though, like just the two of you spending time together in the privacy of your super cute apartment :) really good listener and gives good advice with whatever issues you may be going through at the time

jeno... oh gosh his is a little hard, i think physical touch? he's said before he's quite shy so i think once you guys are established he would find it easier to show you how he feels rather than tell you because he strikes me as someone who may probably have a hard time expressing how they feel through words. likes squeezing your hips and poking your butt and waist lol. acts of service is a big one though omg. he would find so much pride in doing things for you. knows he's tall and strong so he uses that as an advantage when you need certain things and it makes him feel pretty wanted and needed yknow?? likes to be a big man muaha. quality time is also important to him i feel. likes just talking with you. he's a great listener but sometimes he stares for too long and you have to snap him out of his trances pft. likes showing you off

haechan... physical affection 100% i feel like thats a given with him LMAO. if he had it his way? OHHHHH, he would have you glued to his side 24/7. quality time is also something he enjoys, i feel like he is such a movie buff tbh, from watching a movie series or a full tv show would be really enjoyable for him because its ALSO an excuse to wrap your arms around his waist hehe. likes giving gifts sometimes but it HAS to be perfect especially if its for you. but yeah, physical touch is a big one for him. he just, likes you so much and finds a lot of joy in being able to touch, peck and hug you whenever he wants. likes running his hands on your back, shoulders, lower stomach, head, neck, etc, y'all get the jist!!

jaemin... okay so physical touch LIGHTLY, because sometimes he just can't help himself but, he usually shows his love through words of affirmation and gift giving! absolutely adores telling you how much he loves you and how beautiful, lovely and amazing he thinks you are and he is SO good at articulating what he wants to say to you and how he wants to say it. never fails to leave you flustered and fulfilled. it would be so hard for you to not feel loved with how much he spoils you haha. always buys you random knick knacks and clothes/accessories he thinks would look good on you. and listen, idk if showing off is a love language but he loves showing you off like jeno i think it goes along with words of affirmation for him. very gentle when it comes to physical touch btw :") just overall very kind and considerate, treats you like a doll

chenle... gift giving obviously as well as quality time. like i've said before, he's pretty clingy with you but i think giving you things and having the ability to work hard and make money makes him all the more inclined to want to give you everything you want and more. really really enjoys being able to have you all to himself. adores the idea of being domestic with you and just doing something in silence and being in each others presence. calms him so much and he feels he really should give you his full attention not because its something he has to do but something he really values and wants to be able to do for you. can be clingy sometimes but is mostly a quieter pda type of guy. you can never say no to him buying you things though HAHA he'll always find away, fills him with a lot of pride that he feels/proves he can provide for you

jisung... words of affirmation and acts of service. just likes being able to be seen as an adult. he's been around people older than him all his life and constantly in the state of being babied so he would like to be able to be seen as someone who could do valuable things for his partner. which is why he's always trying to help you! gives good advice and gives an even better hand around the house PFT. i mean c'mon he's so lanky and lean and obedient. so smiley whenever he sees you need something or you come to him for help. but also never wants you to think you can't do things for yourself just because he has a need to be helpful yknow? so he never fails to tell you how well you're doing and how much he loves you. has a hard time being vulnerable but it gets better since he knows you won't ever judge him for being shy about professing how highly he thinks of you always

[myguumi]

megumi drabble

angst with no comfort at all, hinted at itafushi, wc; 670, im sorry i love u guys, not proof read so if theres mistakes im sorrryyyy

itadori is gone, and gojo has been given a task from before his execution. to give megumi a handwritten letter. gojo wants to snoop and see what it says, but he knows its not smart.

the soft sound of knocking interrupts megumis thoughts, muttering a small "come in" as he makes himself look somewhat presentable. gojo strolls into his room, sighing as he lookd around.

"yuji wanted me to give you this." is all he says before turning around and leaving, unable to let megumi mutter a word or let a single noise escape his vocal cords. megumi looks at the paper— a small, off-white, folded up— signed by itadori. his messy, but pretty handwriting with small doodles around it. mainly just silly ones of megumi, or itadori himself.

it takes megumi a couple of moments before unfolding the paper, letting his eyes quickly scan over it to see what the main jist of it was before taking a deep breath and deciding to genuinely read through it.

"hey fushiguro! if you're getting this note, its quite obvious ive passed on. i dont wanna say i'll see you soon because i want you to live longer than i did, okay? ill see you someday, though. thats for sure. anyways, i dont really know how to go about this. all those books i borrowed, you can have them back, if you want. they should be in the drawer next to my bed, unless gojo-sensei cleared my room out already. i think he'll leave that to you, though? i did ask him too, but you cant get everything you want, yknow!

anyways, other than all that stupid stuff, i'll miss you. i would say to tell kugisaki i'll miss her too, but, i can tell her that myself now. im sorry for leaving so soon, but you still have gojo-sensei and some of the others. i know you're not a huge fan of communication or anything, but don't continue to be that person that sits in the corner at parties!! live life a bit. i get you're a sorcerer and you assume everything will always be shit, but you can still live. it wont kill you to not be a misanthropist for once in your life fushiguro.

dont drown yourself in guilt over this because there was nothing you could've done to stop it. i was going to meet my end whether you wanted it to be stopped or not. i always had a question, fushiguro. i lived a somewhat nice childhood for someone like me, but the question always ran through my head atleast once a year. was i raised without love, or was i unloveable? and i figured out the answer. i was raised with love, just not enough for me to feel like it. and im not unloveable because i know you loved me with every ounce of love your soul could provide to me.

i think this is long and sad enough already, so, moral of the note, thank you. tell gojo-sensei im sorry for having to leave so soon, but it was bound to happen. i lived an interesting life because of you. id rather die than never meet you. thank you for this, and i love you, megumi."

megumi had already balled up the piece of paper in his hand once finished with reading it, the tears lining his waterline threatening to fall. he let out a shitty attempt at a chuckle, which seemed to be the breaking point of it. instead of a chuckle, it was a choked back sob, making him cough a bit. he threw the paper, even if it didnt go very far. he sat on his bed and stared down, sobbing. he kept wiping his eyes to try and make the tears disappear, but they kept appearing as if nothing could stop them.

megumi went to bed that night with nothing but tears and a hole in his heart that he feels will never be filled until he sees itadori again.

(misanthropist - a person who dislikes humankind and avoids human society.)

[lollytea]

if we're talking Huntlow: ASIAS makes me lose it bc like. Willow not knowing Hunter was the Golden Guard and Hunter not knowing Willow was associated with Luz/Eda meant they like. met each other as they are. with no attached judgement. Hunter met Willow and saw a girl who's kind and fierce and powerful and determined and smart. Willow met Hunter and saw a boy who's intense and socially awkward but skilled and good-hearted and just trying to prove himself. they SAW each other, y'know?

YEAH YEAH EXACTLY!!! This whole thing drives me absolutely insane. That episode aired and I was immediately possessed by something demonic and churned out a whole fic about them in like two weeks with the central theme of what it means to be truly Seen because I could not get all of their stupid symbolism to stop eating my skull from the inside out.

First impressions can be everything sometimes. They can be the foundation of how you view a person. Which is why it's so interesting that they became acquainted having no idea who each other were. They don't know their stories yet. They're perfect strangers.

It's not like Willow's relationship with Hunter is, in any way, superior to the bonds she has with her other friends. They're just. Different. Different circumstances. He sees Willow differently as a result.

There's too much about Willow and Amity's relationship to get into but the basic jist of it is that once the girls begin to repair their friendship Amity only sees bits and pieces of Willow. She sees her kindness and her wisdom and her bubbly personality. But she's still not getting the full picture and this frustrates Willow. With her history in mind, the way she's seen as she currently is means everything to Willow's sense of identity.

Obviously Luz and Gus both adore Willow. And they understand that she's not the person she used to be. They recognize her strength. Luz once described her as "tough as nails" and Gus referred to her current confident personality as "the real [Willow]." They hype her up endlessly. They're fantastic friends. They do not look down on her, not even a little bit.

But maybe every so often Willow tires of being reminded that she's always gonna be viewed as an inspirational story to them. In their eyes it's "Wow Willow, look at what you've become." So maybe it'd be nice to meet somebody who instead thinks like "Wow Willow, look at what you are." It's good to have friends who have known you from your rough beginnings and can understand how you got this point but it's also nice to make friends who you have a clean slate with, yknow?

Willow makes it clear during the intro of ASIAS that she's still not entirely satisfied with her current self. She likes it just fine but there's still quite a bit of climbing to do before she can truly see herself as the witch she wants to be. Willow is reaching for the stars.

It must mean something that ASIAS was the debut of Willow's new look. She had the pigtails near the end of Follies, but it's them paired with the new glasses that makes the whole statement.

The hair was braided by Amity. It's the hair she used to braid for her when they were little. It's an old part of herself that she's reclaiming. It's to symbolise that Willow refuses to define herself as her trauma caused by Amity Blight anymore. She is trying to mend bridges and move forward.

And the glasses? They're not really linked to anyone in particular. At least nobody she knows yet. The glasses are something brand new, something different, something to establish that Willow is turning over a new leaf in terms of her identity. There's this cooler, more confident version of herself that has been growing lately and this is her fully embracing it. She wants to be perceived as this new (real) Willow and the new glasses reflect that. She wants somebody to see her the way she wants to be seen. So isn't it a cool detail how she starts wearing them in this episode in particular? Isn't it interesting how her frames are gold? Doesn't it make you go batshit how she began wearing those glasses wishing for somebody to see her and then somebody does? Because it makes ME go batshit.

In Willow's mind, she's still reaching for the stars. In Hunter's mind, she's already caught them.

Hunter on the other hand, goes in the complete opposite direction and yet still ends up in the same place. While Willow strolls into Hexside that morning to establish her true self, Hunter arrives in "disguise." In his eyes, he's not portraying the version of himself that he wants to be seen as. The Golden Guard is who Hunter wants to be. That's his whole motivation in the episode. But when he shows up at Hexside, he's unmasked. It's revealed in a later episode that he feels significantly less confidant when his face is bare, which adds a funny bit of irony to all his recruitment tactics. Hunter tries to put on an act, to become somebody else, but the moment that mask comes off he can't help but become the messy, awkward, moody yet energetic and painfully sincere person that he tries so hard not to be.

Hunter very much does not want to be seen as his true self. In fact, he is trying to completely dismantle his true self and lose himself entirely to the Golden Guard persona. But Willow sees the person underneath, completely unaware that this person she's meeting is supposed to be a shameful secret and she likes what she's seeing. She likes him.

And the absolute kicker here is that it was because of Willow that Hunter first started to like himself outside of the mask. I think the Flyer Derby game was the first time we ever saw unmasked Hunter so happy and confident. Willow took his hand to help him cross the first stepping stone into accepting himself for the person that he's been trying so hard to stomp out all this time.

So it's like. They see the best version of each other. Hunter sees the version Willow wants everyone to see. Willow sees the version Hunter doesn't want anyone to see but it's the version that helps him grow in the long run.

And that's only the foundation. But sometimes foundation is everything. The respective pasts do end up crashing into this tentative relationship. Willow learns Hunter is the Golden Guard. Hunter learns that Willow has weaknesses too. However, the foundation will always remain the core of how they see each other. At the end of the episode, Hunter reaffirms just how he sees Willow by referring to her as "Captain." And Willow, in turn, decides to believe in Hunter's capacity for good and keeps the friendship door open. If they hadn't met each other in the way they did they may not have really seen each other as clearly and it's possible the series of events that followed may have gone much differently. Who knows if they'd even have become friends. Its all about foundations, yknow??

[fearfylsymmetry]

less of an ask and more of a compliment i love the way your tags are organized…”decay as a commodity” “bodies shifting in narrow spaces” etc is it your own original work or quoting from a song/poem/or something?

helloo angel and welcomee to the show, its always such a joy when people appreciate my silly little tagging system. they're all just random sentences i thought up ages ago, , just to make sense of the mess in front of you etc y'know how it gets love. i couldn't really get behind tagging things as "art" "people, faces places things" etc. i needed to inject a bit of flavour to the whole thing (let this not be read as a subtle jab towards any new york based tumblrinas , we're above that c'mon now). i wouldn't say these little phrases are "personal" by any means but they have been motifs i wanted to actively explore in the art i make so no harm putting them up here i guess haha

for posterity's sake i thought i'd just copy an explanation of my tags from an old ask

decay as a commodity : okay so i envisioned this as a way to just summarize modern living? i think of a whole blueish neon color scheme with this one. my line of thinking was,, with the world slowly rotting away and living becoming so expensive and exhausting, whats the one commodity we all share? wouldn't it be decay? aren't we all slowly fading together etc etc. i use this for images with cooler muted tones and anything with a futuristic vibe,, along with some grimey, monochrome photography

the setting dawn: this is the polar opposite of decay, i think of it as "hope beyond hope" a la Prior Walter's line in Angels in America. i know "the setting sun " might sound more natural but i think of it as,, dawn , when the sun breaks through - in this short period the world starts to wake. qs the dawn sets the day kicks in, with all its routine misery. Dawn i think, is the only time the sun is kind to you, because its still hidden away at least slightly. But the day truly starts and itbeats down on you. And yet we continue to live, past the boredom and the pain, we live past hope, past the quiet comfort of dawn. I use this for pictures with earthy tones and things on the more uplifting side

bodies shifting in narrow spaces: this has some overlap with the decay tag, im not as organized as i need 2 be. i use this for figures & portraits ill want to draw or just really any photography i like that features a human presence. think of it as people so dependent on an outside gaze they constantly try to reinvent themselves, or just, everyday people, getting less and less time to live, having to work and forcing themselves into relationships with any real connection

original sin and other contingencies: im trying to fit this in for more risque photography and maybe things on the more gory side. how do i explain this.. okay so... when there's nothing left to do you'll always have sin to turn to just yo keep yourself occupied, along with other methods/contingencies u get the jist

linen that lingers: my fashion tag nothing more 2 it

the canvas as testimony: for art that is made for the gallery or art that is held in higher regard i guess, more high culture. it includes painting, sculptures,along with architecture,, but maybe i should make an architecture tag. i think of the things here as more personal efforts

motion on a still surface: for art that is energetic and really pops off the page. includes comics, manga, fanart, animation. stuff here may be more low culture but really its not. i just differentiate these art tags as ,,one is stuck to the canvas whatever that canvas may be, while the other leaps off the page

word on a wing let me soar: books, poetry, articles, journals , all words that i adore

a conversation with the self: i wanted this to be for things that are very personal to me but i just use my other tags

angels in descent: my little funny haha tag for yknow ,,, funny haha. yknow the "devil's rejects" the movie? like its a way of saying people so horrible no even the devil would take them. okay so i thought " god's rejects " but that's lame. so i landed on this, like idk...imagine angels falling from grace

arcade shuffle: for my little viddy games lol. sorry for being a #gamergirl but yes it happens sadly ,,moving on

jet jump jive: for songs

at the pictures: for movies,, like imagine im going "cant talk im at the pictures wheee ^_^"

there is such a great distance between now and later: to track my art and writing progress but i barely use it cause it barely draw or write these days i blame the wave of despair that washeth over me

proof of concept: photos i took but there's like almost nothing here

misc that are just funny 2 me like i do it 4 a little chuckle i deserve it:

screw it posting hole - for hole the band

bowies in spaaace - for bowie, after the flight of the concords song cmon its a little funny at least cmon now

twink speaks- for twin peaks lol

[colesstar]

Tell me about land of the stories

FUCK OKAU SO- (also read the tags :33)

theres these twins - Alex and Connor, their dad used to own a bookshop but then he died close to their birthday i think? Its been a while since ive last read the wishing spell which is a but sad. Their mums a nurse but obviously they dont get paid enough (still true now aswell !!) so they had to move into a smaller house. They have a grandmother too she’s important. OKAY SO ALEX - She’s like your smart kid who nobody likes because shes smart which is lowkey kinda sad i love her shes also canonically autistic because i said so btw. ANYWAYS uhm when she was younger her dad would be the one who told her stories to cheer her ip when she was bullied he was really sweet i love mr bailey. She likes fairy tales too brw and is also the type to get excited over encyclopaedias im just waffling but you get the jist

CONNER !! - He is on the opposite hes ig the “funny type” in class theyre in like sixth grade i think? Falls asleep in class yknow that kinda guy hes really sweet tho because despite that he’s sort of always thinking about the people around him that he loves like in An authors odyssey (fifth book i believe) when they travel into his short stories you see how hes got multiple characters based off of his mum and then you see him being happy for Alex whenever she’s genuinely happy its sweet honestly uhm this could be more comprehensible sorry its 1;19 rn

OKAY SO THE WISHING SPELL (book 1)

soo on their twelfth of thirteenth i cant remember birthday their grandma gives them an old fairy tale book, very sentimental the book was always read to the twins as kids when they visited their grandma its lime a happy place. ANYWAYS uhm alex accidentally falls into the book because its actually a MAGIC book and they land in the middle of a ROAD *dun dun DUNNN* in the woods they see a wanted sign for goldilocks i think or that happens later on in the book then they meet a GIANT FROG who they call Froggy i live him btw hence the name @froggysstar of my dead tlos blog. And they ask him if theres anyway homehe tells them about a journal he once found and they follow the journal essentially to find a way home. It tells them about the wishing spell which is made up of the “main objects” of ur famous fairytales because did i mention that theyre in the FAIRY TALE WORLD now. But the main characters of these fairytales are like royalty so that is NOT an easy task. The evil queen from sbow white is there she has a really interesting backstory. Thats like an overview theres more that happens theres six books and there is SO much more to the wishing spell i could talk about but my arms hirt so that is for ANOTHER DAY !!

also its getting too long if i said anything thay is actually INCORRECT please correct me

[renzuria]

Hope whatever put you in ER won't trouble you for long.

"Haunted apartment" is such a good fanfic staple; I've found and loved examples of it in most of my major fandoms and I'd love to have a spiderverse version too :D

My first instinct is Hobie should be the ghost, since Miles is more of an everyman that weird things happen to. Also, Miles has a family and (many) friends that can act as supporting cast. But, inverting it and making Miles the ghost is an interesting, non-obvious choice, if that's what speaks to you. It has added angst-potential since he'd leave his parents behind.

If you go with ghost Hobie, I think his death should be mundane. Maybe there was a gas leak while he slept. Maybe the building had shitty insulation, it was a cold winter, and he got hypothermia. Maybe he had a stroke and just keeled over in his kitchen. Either of those would annoy him – he died young and got to take exactly zero fascists with him as he went? What the fuck.

Oh my, this is such brilliant idea! Originally I was gonna have Hobie be the ghost, I still am, but I wanted some secondhand advice (if that’s the right terminology)! When I was writing some characteristic ideas for Hobie as ghost, I chose to make him sorta salty, snarky and obnoxious if you get what I’m sayin.

Continuing…as I was saying…

Hobie's spectral presence manifests with a unique blend of intense energy and mischievousness. So instead of laying around, takes delight in making his presence known to the living inhabitants of the apartment, disrupting their routines, and challenging their conformity. From flickering lights and sudden temperature drops to unexplained objects moving, his poltergeist activities stir discomfort and provoke curiosity, leaving the tenants in a state of constant unease. While Hobie's intentions are not purely malevolent, his passionate opposition towards authority and his unquenchable thirst for justice drive him to occasionally test the boundaries. I mean, what more is there to do other than torment the living when he’s dead and alone with no one.

There’s more that could be said but that’s sorta the jist of it.

And I decided, this would sorta be a silly, non-serious typa thing. Just something I can do for fun yknow. And something that I could write at 3am while I’m sleep deprived 😅

[1pcii]

just had an au idea. nothing for it yet but im rlly exited to work on it!!!

Ranma 1/2 au with Zoro as Ranma (Kuina being the form he obtains from the "Spring of 'Drowned' Girl") and Koushirou as Genma.

This would require rewriting both stories backstories a little to work but the basic jist im going for is that Kuina would have died to the springs before Koushirou adopts Zoro.

Kuina drowns because of a training mishap (similar to ranma/genma in canon and zoro/koushirou will do in this au but, yknow,,, permanent) because she was left unsupervised as koushirou is unsupportive of her trying to become the 'man amongst men'/worlds greatest swordsman, him believing its only worth training a male heir. He thinks she ran away and is left without closure until he and zoro fall themselves.

i don't really like animanga!Koushirou for obvious reasons but i think this could be a very interesting vessel to actually explore those negative traits. his misogynistic world-views and the way the effected his daughter but also his grief around loosing her (Zoro being the recipient towards all this when he just wants to play with swords poor guy) since he is inadvertently partially to blame. or at-least he believes so.

Zoro, not directly knowing her learns about her largely from other people and their reactions to him in her form and that's when/why he decides to become a 'man amongst men'/worlds greatest swordsman for both of them. i think he would be generally fine with having a female form, considering he is written with a 'person first'/genderblind view of gender in canon, stigma moreso pushed onto him by koushirou/others.

i haven't thought much about the other characters (akane I’m completely blanking on for idea) yet but s’ what I’ve got so far XP

[floralseokjin]

hi jordan!

just thought of sending you a msg esp of what's happening in my life and well jist having nostalgic moments seeing ypur other readers share their stories. discovered your blog sometome over 3-4 yrs ago while im in my residency training. first its just bc i think "floralseokjin" is cute. and then i followed you on twitter and then you followed back and i felt like i have this friend from far away every time you update both here and on twt.

i admit i only read one-shots before. actually i dont want myself to get involve in ais and fanfics but well pandemic happened and i started reading your fics bc im stuck in the callroom alone with nothing to do (i was assigned in pandemic wards and intubation team then so im in a separate callroom). this might be weird and funny for some but the crystallised and pbn couple accompanied me through the most difficult part of my training. lol i would do doctor stuff in the ward and then would hurry myself back to finish a chapter of the fic. it's something to look forward to.

and then i got out of the cell (that's how i felt) after 3 yrs of hard work and discovering/reading ALL of your fics. and i even get to read some of your book and manhwa recos. and here we are, i am about to take the boards. somehow i am thankful that you haven't updated 9mtfil bc i have to focus on studying. haha!

thank you for sharing your talent in writing. most of the stories are not something i can relate to but they definitely entertain me. also bc u update at the wee hrs of the morning (sgt) when i just finished studying so the timing is good.

my exams are next weekend (wish me luck pray for me) and i cant wait to have myself dive into nonmedical books soon. also need updates on mu crystallised and pbn couples. and excited for my 9mtfil family! i missed a lot of them!

take lots of care, jordan! if i do visit your country as a gift for myself, will u meet up with me? haha!

also, i love to draw. i made some sketches for the crystallised couple (yknow like what they do in manhwa) and i would love to show them to you.

hello! What a lovely message to find in my inbox! ☺️ Thank you and I’m so touched that my writing could entertain you during busy and stressful times. I’m a little late to responding to this so your exams are probably over, but I hope they went well for you! I’m sure they did~ Did I read that right? We’re twitter mutuals?! Now I’m curious! I would absolutely love to see the sketches you’ve done for crystallised couple, they sound so exciting! Thank you! and ahhh just tell me if you’re ever in the uk! I’ll see what I can do 😁 Thank you once again for this kind message, it means a lot to me. Please take care 💖

[mycomori]

an now here i am liek an hour later saying and thinking that that i can drink this weekend and i’ll have to restrain myself during the week because i am trying to be Normal but then when do i start on the meds again? i have my first appointment back w my therapist in four months beginning of december. so what am i gonna do? o really don’t know honestly. i’m taking it day by day. i am capable of controlling myself even tho it’s difficult i’ve proven i can do to. the meds are just to make it easier on myself. take that choice away .but fact is i stopped into ally cause i wanted to be normal. o dotn knwk. i know what’s the better choice. i know what i shoudk do. but that desire to drink is still there and it’s so fucking stupid. liek i’ll jist end uo begging out when i get home and end up doing nothing. but then i get about the same amount done as i do drunk as i do sober. i still sit there all night doing baiscakky nothing. i dojt know anymore. i don’t know. i’m doing a lot of serious thinking lately. gonna eb comin back to therapy w A LOT. is funny cause i can look so normal on surface and like i’m doing so well but i’m still struggling w everybting under all this. last night i was so happy and cozy in bed and about to falla slepe then i felt my blanket brush against my neck and all of a sudden i was on high alert and had to calm myself down like bitch chill we are NOT having a stupid ptsd reaction rn i wanna go to sleep. like even when i’m sober these things still plague me always under the surface. but they’re easier to handle when i’m not so focused on controlling my drinking. i think all of this is a test for mysefl. a test at my self control around alcohol and a test of my sense of responsibility. and i hope to decide that i can contorl myself despite the difficulty. but the best thing would be for me to go on the emds again. but part of me wants to do therapy before i do that yknow . i can strategically make plans this week to keep ‘em from drinking certain days on this week i’ve got off work. i’m trying. i’m trying. reminding myself i am trying so hard and doing my best and it’s not an easy thing and i’m doing relaly wel actually like i’m doing really well i’ll be okay i’ll be okay i’ll be okay

[lunatic-fandom-space]

See Ive already seen some spoilers for this so I know god is just some fucken guy who writes those books or whatever and I didnt have strong thoughts about it because I wasnt into suoernatural at that point so it was just kinda like, yeah whatever idc BUT again, because ive been getting into Jesus Christ Superstar and ive been reading through all the annotations for the songs on Genius dot Com I ended up stumbling upon this idea that god doesnt actually like, do anything he just knows everything. Like, hes not controlling everyones every move and he didnt evengive everyone parts to play like we're all part of the biggest rube goldberg machine in existence, he just made everything and has just kinda been watching since then with very little interference. And I think thats really interesting because ive spent a lot of time a few years ago watching a bunch of videos of this atheist person doing takedowns of christians trying to argue for scietific proof of gods existence (as well as other stuff of like, christians just kinda being shitty for religious reasons or whatever but those arent as relevant rn) and in hindsight its pretty obvious that those were in part trying to like, convert atheists ? which is so strange because religion and spirituality arent like, rational theyre highly personal and emotional and if someone doesnt believe youre not gonna be able to convince with Facts and Logic(tm) because that just isnt a mindset you can logic yourself into?? Like, I managed to get logicked out of it from watching two shows in one day at a planetarium but its not like I was an active believer in god or christ or whatever before that, I thought Religious Education was a stupid and pointless class and when me and my elementary school classmates had to go to church every second tuesday of the month I would always dunk on it and thought it was lame and boring yknow. I just skimmed my post and honestly I have no idea what I was even trying to say when i started Im badivally jist procrastinating watching this episode because theres nothing i want less than an episode of broadcast tv about fandom that came out in like 2009 and was written by a bunch of weird middleaged guys

[7grandyears]

How do you feel about vavr coming back

hi anon, great question. my feelings are super complicated and it SUCKS!

i'm talking about death in this one (block the tag "tw death" if you don't want to see posts like this)

being an introject of vavr while the channel was dead was peaceful, mostly because i didn't have to go through the motions of watching lore happen in real time to my source self like other g.h. (gardenhome) introjects do (ex. siiva, turner).

lemme, like, make a chart to explain this.

i split off and had my own sort of "revival" in a similar style to vavr chapter 2 a long bit ago. i've been coping with the events of ends here ends now for a long time (and so has n, but he's obviously been going through it worse because he, yknow, had to SEE me die). me and n's relationship is a lot different than it used to be.

jan 19th strikes, everything was fine for most of the day until i got home and started getting notifications FROM THE VAVR CHANNEL

fucking. horrifying.

i thought "oh, well, maybe it's just a little joke, something like that" NOPE, FUCK YOU! CHAPTER 2 BABEY!

i was fucking panicking (and i mean PANICKING) the entire time.

lemme just... show you what was happening so you can get the idea

so yeah. i was FREAKED the FUCK out at the time because i was not prepared whatsoever for that to happen.

i know like, "introjects are not their source" and all that but i'm very close with my source.

while i am still very anxious about it, i guess my feelings are a little different at the moment. i'm not completely devastated over it, but i do feel bad over the fact that source me seems to have completely dropped the character development he went through in ends here ends now! like, yeah, i'm still a prick sometimes, but i'm doing a lot better for myself now! but source me? still a fucking asshole. does not care about n whatsoever (which makes me so fucking FRUSTRATED!!! put me on the fucking lorewriting team right now so i can fix this shit!!!!)

i guess that leads me to my next thought: i hope source me can get the same happy ending that i've gotten here. i hope maybe he can grow a little and at LEAST be n's friend or SOMETHING. like come on gayboy, you can do it

i think i reacted to it so viscerally because of how traumatic ends here ends now was for me and n as lore. you know, there was a REASON i detested lore so much!

anyways, yeah. this post is getting way too fuckin long. i think you can get the jist of what i mean. if you dont, you could probably send another ask for clarification!

[iloveyouw]

28 Nov 2022

wow today was weird.

it made me know what i want more. and i am ever more certain after today.

denzels and i catch up alot about old friends and what the heck were we doing, how we met and yknow typical things. what i couldnt believe was some of the things i did that he swore by it that i have zero recollection.. ok not swore by it but like he was sure and i am not at all. which felt v weird because i dont recognize that me at all.

so the normal things were like how we met, we both didnt rmb. but he say its from dan. and i do think so. but thats not impt la.

he told me of 2 things that i rly didnt rmb. 1 was that he said i kept asking sus (another friend) to help me get fentanyl. i nv rmb wanting that shit. fentanyls dangerous. i asked him like theres just no way i rmb asking for fentanyl. fentanyl is what those dealers lace drugs with cos if im not wrong its cheaper than like pure meth. so they will lace fentanyl in with meth/heroin etc so its like unpure shit. but too much of it will die one. so i rly dont rmb. if i did then i dont know what the fuck i was thinking. i asked him "omg theres no way, are u sure its not like benzos or like some pill?" he said he dont rly rmb but he was quite sure. dude. i dont rmb shit. he said i kept BUGGING him and sus... and even ask them to try.. zzz

2nd was he said last time they always hang out in bishan, like they have a place they go to like some hangout spot, i nv go before. but after my work, when i still work at bishan CPF too, with my old company, they will like meet me aft my work since they are at bishan too and i will pass them meth. them as in ernest and zels. then they will meet the rest of the grp idk who at their hang out spot and him and ernest will go take meth.. he told me like, on meth he was on his phone for 12hrs, i feel like that happened, but in my head i rly dont rmb. idk how to say. i rly did not rmb that. cos how he brought it up was like, "omg i rmb last time we always meet u aft ur work at bishan then smoke 1 cigg then u will pass us stuff and we will scurry away..." then im like, wait what??? and i didnt even dare to ask how many times.... i was ashamed of my old self.

but i could believe that. for some reason. i was always the one sponsoring their meth. and when he told me like i pass them shit i felt so horrible sia. i keep saying "im so embarrassed and sorry..." like i told him i was ashamed. he said its cool like he dont do anymore. and he apologised for bringing all this up. but i said its ok. like its not that hard. and he commented on my ig names, like its always affirming and nice. so thats cool/ imn ot gna lie these thoughts make me for a second had me thinking it was better times. i was almost consumed by it. but i snapped out of it.

like during our conversation i said like, i thought i was cool, but i was actually the clown, making u guys try meth and shit. i said i felt v v v bad. and its one reason why i dont wna meet them. which is true. bcos i cant face it. he assured that it was okay, and made sure that they didnt blame me. yknow? but up until this point i feel like i am always that stained "jo" amongst that group.

he also mentioned that he only told ernest that hes meeting me, like recently, and ernest said "huh to take meth ah" wah and my heart sank. i laughed it off like it was funny, but i feel like i was stained. meth and jo comes tgt. yknow. i felt so horrible and i apologised to him at the end of the day. like texted him sorry and he said:

J🍩, [28/11/2022 3:19 AM] I jist wna say, im sorry for the way i acted LOL like i didnt rmb alot of things!! Thank u for being gracious as always! Hope to catch u soonnnnn

Denzel, [28/11/2022 3:27 AM] Oh please you dont have to be sorry for anything, i'm serious!!! I've always been so fond of you its actually great we get to laugh about these things after all this time

Denzel, [28/11/2022 3:28 AM] I damn easy to catch hahah

J🍩, [28/11/2022 3:28 AM] Catch what r u a pokemon

J🍩, [28/11/2022 3:29 AM] No la its just these memories v wild to me hahaha i have alot of reflecting to do hahaah

J🍩, [28/11/2022 3:29 AM] But yea glad we can laigh abt it

Denzel, [28/11/2022 3:29 AM] Hahaha i'd love to be a pokemon, eat and fight all day

Denzel, [28/11/2022 3:33 AM] Yeah i reaaaally love how you put in that kind of effort in your introspection, now that we've done looking back; all thats left is making more memories forward huh

and otw back from mac like when i sending him back, i told him like ive never been clearer. and he was v proud of me. so apparently the rest are like dealers and shit, but they dont do meth just mostly weed and ketamine. and he said like they think they are cool. and that rly like got me to see, how uncool and stupid they are. which i think most of them thought of me like that.

aside from our conversation, we had some rly great laughs just about other people and their drama. apprently the group i always thought was cool wasnt very after all. they have so much drama themselves. and i can share w u more but the impt ones were those im saying now.

but today made me realise i dont want anyone else. and i want u. i just want u wie.. i feel so empty, even though it was very wholesome and sweet, something wasnt right. otw to orto, like walking the path we took to the BKK bistro place, i thought to myself like, wow i wish u were with me. id like to pick u and have u beside me all the time. but i also thought that i should be more independent. but when im home like right now, i think ure asleep, i feel empty. i wanna tell u all about my day and all about it. i wna give u all the assurance u need and hope u didnt feel uncomfortable at all. i hope u had fun catching up with ur old friends, tell me all about it too? i was thinking like did they say anything about her, or me. since i assume yw knows her. i dont know. i was ready to leave once u said go. yknow that right? when u said to meet i was alrd thinking of ways to tell him i wna go. but u said u wna go home so i left to get food. i hope u dont think i wasnt putting u first. i dont know if i should have insisted that i went to u or not. i would 100% love to.

it was a weird day. but i can say that old jo is gone because i couldnt even recognize her. the shit i do... i hate old me, but i love this new me!

[du-hjarta-skulblaka]

Yknow what's interesting?

How I'm thinking about how I want to reply ffvii again

Not ffvii remake. Ffvii.

And I don't even mean this as a dig. Its jist really facinating to me I didn't even consider playing the remake until. Vaguely? Remembering their was one? And then thinking if still rather play the origional.