#i just know it keeps going forward and i never like the outcome until ive already started trying smthng else and now

[skunkes]

Before: i cant tell if the way I've stylized this body is Right or not...i dont want people to think that I'm stupid and don't know what im doing so i guess i better learn anatomy

After: i have learned and am learning anatomy, but i dont want people to think that im stupid and don't know what I'm doing if i exaggerate it so I better keep the stiff, rigid, "correct" anatomy instead of stylizing it to fit 👍

[shhh-no-ones-home]

to love and leave behind steve rogers x reader x bucky barnes

+++++++++

this is Steve x reader x Bucky following the events of endgame

prompt: She has a strong fondness for Bucky but she knew that was never gonna happen. So she agreed to go out with Steve when he asked. they had been dating for a while and then the snap happened. five years come and go and she knows its Steve's turn to find happiness. and who knows, maybe she and Bucky can too.

Also from a thought that captain America is pro-choice so themes of that and mentions of abortion and pregnancy

Song: miss you in a heartbeat by def Leppard

tag list: @cynic-spirit +++++++++

I stood next to Steve by one of the vans as Bruce set up the new time machine. It had taken a short bit to get everything in order again but Scott pitched in so that helped a lot. Now it was just the five of us; Bucky, Sam, Bruce, Steve, and me. And we were all anxiously waiting the outcome of today's events. To fix what was broke and to put back the stones. And as exciting as that was I still felt a heaviness on my heart about the conversation that had to happen. It was almost time. The other guys were standing around waiting for him.

"Hey Steve, I have to tell you something. Before you go."

I said softly, barely audible as I slumped my way out of the driver seat. He looked confused, brows drawn.

"Go?"

He asked and I sent him a look before rubbing my hand down my arm.

"I don't want it to change your mind though."

I managed, trying to avoid his gaze but desperately wanting to remember him like this.

"Okay?"

I took a deep breath, staring over his concern stricken face.

"I was doing my physical the other morning, right? and, uh... I'm pregnant."

His smile grew so wide as he stepped to me, hands at my elbows.

"What?! That's great!"

He was so enthusiastic. But I shook my head.

"I wanted you to know before I made my decision, but, I don't know if I can do this."

His face fell slowly.

"What do you mean?"

He knew exactly what I meant.

"I can't take care of a baby. Especially not without help."

He paused as realization struck him. He knew that I knew what was happening today.

"Plus i know it would tear you up inside. With you leaving and all."

He opened his mouth twice before speaking.

"Y/n i-"

"It's okay Steve. I'm not trying to stop you. In fact I want you to be happy. And I know that's not here. It never was."

He tightened his jaw.

"But terminating? I understand that it's completely your decision but you always talked about how hard it would be for you to even have kids and how much you wanted one when it came time."

I shook my head quickly.

"I can't keep it. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. Or it. No matter how much I want it."

"And thats your choice?"

He said a little defeated. He knew it didn't matter. No matter how excited I was when I found out or how much I was anticipating carrying through. But that was before I knew there was a possibility he could be with her again. And before I knew I'd be doing this alone. It took me two days to come to terms with the fact that he should know before he leaves. So here we were.

"we've been together for seven years Steve, I know you well enough to know you're leaving."

"I don't have to."

He said just above a whisper, his hands making their way to my hips.

"We both know that's a lie. From the moment we found out it would work we knew you were going. It's okay."

We both just stared at each other for a moment, trying not to cry. He knew I always hid my emotions well, something that took both of us a good time to learn and work around. But now I didn't know if I wanted to. The only thing I guess keeping me from crying, sobbing, holding him close again, was the want for him to finally be happy. Even if it broke me a little on the inside. But we both knew we were truly in love with different people.

"I do love you." he said softly.

"And I you. But this wasn't forever."

I moved his hands off my hips and held them in mine.

"I guess it never really was."

"No. more of a place holder until we could be where we really belong."

He looked down at them connected for a moment before looking back to my face.

"You gonna talk to him?"

I half shrugged.

"Maybe we could bond over losing you."

I joked, a smile tugging at the edge of his lips.

"Maybe you could learn from each other. He needs you just as much as you need him."

I sighed.

"Think he'll want it?"

I was almost serious but I doubted he would.

"The baby?"

He asked a little dumfounded and I snorted.

"Steven grant Rogers Jr?"

He laughed, shaking his head.

"He's getting better."

"So was I."

He sent me a look.

"You still are."

"I'll miss you Steve."

I admitted, him pulling me into a tight hug. And I finally let a tear slip.

"I'll miss you too y/n. I'll always keep you in my heart."

He whispered before pulling away, still holding me in his arms.

"Don't forget about me okay?"

I croaked out.

"How could I? You changed my life."

He offered a small smile.

"I love you Steve."

He leaned forward and kissed me gently, resting his forehead against mine afterwards.

"Take care of each other and everything will be alright."

°°°°°°°°°

He asked if I wanted to come over to be with them but I couldn't do it. I'd much rather sit here in the van with my own thoughts and emotions than any of them see me cry again. I could still see everyone and everything that was happening and I wasn't quite sure if that was worse or not. Bucky had his hands in his pockets, a sadness over him, and Sam had a very enthusiastic demeanor. But he didn't know. Not like we did. That hurt. Losing love always does.

I blinked out a few more tears as I got back out of the van, walking to the end of it and watching them intently. Steve was on the platform, shield and hammer in hand. He looked from them to me and I offered the smallest smile but it was better than nothing. I just hoped he knew exactly how much I did care for him and how okay I was with him going. After all, he deserved his happy ending. The man out of time.

When I heard Sam and Bruce arguing I figured that was my queue. It was one slow, shaky step after another to get to where they were. Then Bucky said something and all our attention made it's way to a figure sitting at the edge of the clearing. Without a second thought my hand was over my mouth and I tried my hardest to hold the sob threatening to spill from my lips. I looked to the sky and wiped the few tears away, taking a labored breath. I swallowed hard, shook my head, and kept on my mission. When I made it to Bucky he offered a broken smile, leaning into me as I slipped my arm into his. We were silent for a moment as we watched Sam talk to Steve. He looked like he had changed so much but also not at all. But he looked happy and that's what mattered. Even if it broke all of us.

"This isn't going to be easy."

I said just above a whisper and he nodded.

"What was it that he always said? We do this together?"

I half laughed, looking to the ground and kicking a stick lightly.

"Walk with me?

I asked, looking back to him and He nodded. It was fairly leisurely as we turned and passed Bruce, still flipping switches and turning the machine off. But there was a wracking at my brain as I held onto to Bucky for dear life. There was probably a million things to say but I knew what needed to be heard because it was the same thing on my mind.

"Ya know he didn't belong here. He never really did."

I looked up at him and he swallowed hard.

"That doesn't make it any easier."

I hummed softly.

"No it doesn't. What does though is knowing that he still believes in us, even if we don't believe in ourselves."

His pace got slower.

"I'm gonna miss him."

I swallowed hard.

"We all will. But you know just like I do that he had to leave. He found his purpose a long time ago and it wasn't here with us."

The tears were threatening again and he stopped.

"What about you?"

I looked over his stone cold features for a moment as he stared down at me. I ran my thumb over his arm lightly.

"I made peace with it. I've been in love with someone else for a while. since we met anyway. He knew that. And he knew that the people we were meant for weren't available. So we stayed together."

His head hung low.

"Oh. So you've found someone else already?"

He looked back to me with a different form of sadness behind his eyes.

"Bucky-"

"No it's okay, I'm glad you have. I guess everyone's moving on."

I shook my head.

"Buck I'm talking about you."

He deadpanned.

"You are?"

I nodded slowly, trying to choose my words carefully.

"I've known since the day we met. I was meant to be with you. Sometimes you just know, you feel it. But you weren't ready and that's okay."

We started walking again.

"But you and steve-"

"Had a mutual understanding to fill each other's needs until we could make it back to our own person. even if it was seven years of dating and living together and just carrying on. we were happy for the most part. like living with a friend."

i squeezed his arm.

"but ive known it was supposed to be you. And i know we've been working through things together, its brought us closer. and if you're ready I'd love to try this more than friends thing. But if not that's okay too. I've waited this long."

I let out a short laugh.

"I've been working so hard."

He said and I looked to him.

"as a young man there was nothing I wanted more than to settle down and start a family. But I don't want to hurt you. I still don't trust myself and you've held me enough nights to know the nightmares still linger."

I stopped him and stood in front of him so we were facing each other. I placed my hands firmly on his arms and he tensed. I looked intently between his eyes.

"Bucky you could never hurt me."

I said sternly.

"Who else has visited you and dealt with the nightmares since you've been here? Who else knows more about you than Steve? Who has voluntarily been your partner and your friend?"

He looked down a little ashamed as I kept going.

"Buck, I know with the snap it's been a while but that doesn't change how I feel. Relationships Are about growth and sacrifice."

He nodded slowly.

"Yeah I guess you're right. And I guess Part of me has been waiting for a long time to hear that from you."

I reached up and cupped his face, running my thumb over his check bone as he smiled down at me.

"So you wanna try this whole dating thing?"

"I'd love to. If you'll have me."

He said a little unsure. I swallowed hard as realization struck me. Well that or the nausea.

"Before we do this I do need to tell you something."

He looked a little concerned

"Okay?"

"It came up earlier and I don't want it to change how you feel about me or us because I'm still on the fence about my decision. But I'm pregnant."

He just stared at me for a long while, eyes wide.

"I didn't want it to be the deciding factor on Steve staying or not and I've been thinking about aborting it. I won't be able to do this on my own and it's not fair to dump this on you either-"

"Hey, no no no no no, I get it's your decision but if you want help. I can- I mean i may not be the best candidate but I've always wanted a family. And I'm not about to leave someone I care about behind because something like that came up. im still learning and finding myself again but if you want help... im more than happy to lend a hand."

I looked over this face again. He seemed serious.

"Are you sure? I don't want to push this on you when you're already so unsure about yourself. I was gonna make an appointment tomorrow-"

"No, don't even worry about it. Maybe this will be the push I need. I mean we've got mine months. I could be better by then. maybe not a lot but something is better than nothing. and like you said, when you know you know. We can be fully established by then, right?"

I smiled, his hands moving to my hips.

"With your pardon and starting over again in the real world yeah I think we can. If you don't mind taking care of a tiny Steve Rogers."

He laughed, cringing a little bit.

"Are we gonna tell them that?"

I laughed too and for once it felt like a weight off my shoulders.

"It's gonna be complicated because they obviously won't look like you but as far as I'm concerned this was a decision we make together, to be parents, so you'll still be their dad. If you want to be off course. Even if Steve is the one that made it."

He nodded, pulling me into a hug.

"Thank you for giving me a chance. I promise I won't mess this up."

I pulled away from him and kissed his cheek quickly.

"Bucky I love you. If you want to do this with me there is no way you could mess it up."

He smiled at me a genuine smile before kissing me gently. It was soft and caring and like a switch was flipped. When he pulled away he picked me up and I squealed, laughing as he buried his face in my neck.

"I love you too darlin'."

[punksarahreese]

hi hello could i maybe get "I don’t wanna die this way" for lone star? please hurt me however u choose

Hello^^ you certainly can 😌🌸

Don’t want to (die) | Marjan Marwani

Canon; A call goes awry and no one was expecting this outcome

Prompt: “I don’t wanna die this way”

Word count: 1515

CW: mentions of dying and medical emergencies

Send me prompts from the Penelope Scott lyrics list

***

It’s not a call that Michelle was ever expecting to get, or maybe it was something she just prayed would never happen. No amount of manifesting would prevent this, though, and Owen’s frantic tone over the radio had her heart dropping.

“Ladder 126, EMS needed immediately at our position,” Michelle wasn’t prepared for the words that followed, “Code 26.”

Injured firefighter, EMS required.

That had Nancy rushing for their bags from the rig, throwing them on the gurney as quickly as she could. Michelle was already running ahead, calling back for Tim to stay there and look after their patients, her own bag bouncing against her thigh with every movement. She cursed under her breath as she stumbled, worry for her crew clouding her awareness. Code 26, not an uncommon code in this line of work but certainly not one she had heard for a while. The last time she did must have been when TK was shot, which had been a whole other kind of chaos.

“Who?” she didn’t have any time for panic as she tried to depersonalize from it all, a hand falling on Judd’s shoulder to get his attention. The man looked at her through his visor, worry etched into his face as he pointed to where most of the crew was crowding around. This was just supposed to be a normal fire response, a small apartment complex with a fire on the third floor, and she was sure everyone had evacuated on time. She was only gone from the main scene for ten minutes, helping parents find their children and checking people for smoke inhalation and minor burns. They hadn’t had a firefighter injury in a while, this was such a minor scene she wasn’t sure how it had even happened. Judd seemed to be questioning the same thing but she didn’t have the time to consider how much his memories were haunting him at that moment.

“Marjan…”

Nancy had caught up with her by then and she nudged her Captain forward, though when their eyes met Michelle could tell she was just as worried. She could feel the pit of anxiety gnawing away at her stomach, her friend’s life at risk here. Still, they had to be smart about this, Marjan needed them and they would have to wait to feel later.

“Captain,” Michelle bounded over to the others, “What happened?”

Owen turned to look at her, standing up properly from his previously crouched position. Mateo was on the ground, looking like anxiety incarnate, and beside him was Marjan. Laying on the sooty asphalt with her turnout coat nowhere to be found and she looked worse for wear. Instead, her long sleeve was exposed and Michelle could see blood seeping from somewhere and covering the white fabric in a nauseating amount. She was on the ground with them in seconds, leaning over Marjan before Owen had even managed to speak.

“The ceiling,” it was TK who spoke instead, “She went back to get a kid… the building was unstable.”

“Someone decided it was a brilliant idea to take off her coat and cover the kid with it,” Judd interjected, “The smoke was disorienting and we couldn’t get to her in time. The lobby ceiling fell.”

Michelle was nodding but all of her attention was on Marjan, shining her penlight in her eyes and sighing when her pupils reacted properly. The woman in question was watching her weakly, her breathing unsteady but she was still alert enough to know what was going on. There didn’t seem to be any head or facial trauma, which was a relief, but her main worry was her abdomen.

“BP is high and she’s tachy,” Nancy told her as she leaned over with a stethoscope to confirm, speaking gently to Marjan before she did anything. Michelle was glad Nancy was there, her caring nature always helping to soothe their patients.

“Marjan, let me know if this hurts, okay?” She didn’t lift her shirt for the sake of her privacy and instead palpated the injured area over the soaked fabric. The gentle pressure had her crying out almost immediately, arms jerking up to cover her stomach. It was very un-Marjan like in nature, since she was always fearless and hated to seem weak. Michelle apologized gently but her concern was only rising with that reaction.

“Abdominal guarding and tenderness,” she turned to TK, “What fell on her?”

“A chair from the upper hallway along with a large chunk of the ceiling.”

“Damn,” she looked to Nancy again, “Notify the nearest hospital that we have an incoming patient with blunt force abdominal trauma. Looks like a couple broken lower ribs and I’m worried about her spleen.”

“Alright.”

“Request a female trauma surgeon if possible,” she added before looking back down at Marjan, “You with me, Mar?”

Never one to appear weak even on death’s door, Marjan nodded as much as she could, “Mhm.”

“Anything else hurt right now?”

“How a-about eve-everything…” she let out a shaky laugh, which only made her wince as it jostled her ribcage. That only solidified Michelle’s assumption about fractured ribs, which usually caused a rupture of the spleen in cases like this. She hadn’t seen anything pressing during her secondary assessment but she was worried about other internal injuries or shock setting in too fast.

“We’re going to get you on the backboard then, okay?” she motioned for Mateo to stand and grabbed the board from on top of the gurney, passing it over to Paul so he could slide it under her from his side. She crouched by her shoulder, catching her attention again.

“We’re going to roll you onto your side, you know the drill.”

The transfer was painful for everyone, with Marjan unable to hide her agony at being moved in such a way. They hated seeing her like this, knowing they were only causing her more pain, but it was necessary. She cried out as they slid the board under her body, allowing Michelle a second to check for any injuries on her back. Getting her up onto the gurney was less of an event, though her stats had dropped enough in the move for Nancy to get worried.

“Captain Blake,” she said, “BP dropped and O2 stats in the 80’s.”

“Okay, we need to get going, I’ll run oxygen in the bus.”

With that they transferred her across the parking lot, back to the safe area that had been designated for the civilians to gather. Tim was waiting among them, rushing over to ask what had happened. Michelle was preoccupied with talking to Owen, trying to tell him as simply as she could how her prognosis looked.

“She’ll need a CT to confirm but I think there’s a good chance her spleen ruptured,” she told him, “I know you needed to move her from the building but I do hope you all didn’t jostle her too much.”

“We were as careful as possible but I couldn’t risk anyone getting trapped,” he rubbed a hand over his face, “Take care of our girl, Michelle.”

“We’ve got her,” with that she hoisted herself into the back of the ambulance, beside Nancy who was already getting the oxygen mask situated for Marjan. Tim checked from the front to make sure they were ready and then started the rig, lights and sirens on the second they pulled out of the parking lot.

Michelle busied herself with starting an IV in her arm, knowing she would need fluids if they wanted to keep her stats relatively stable. Her oxygenation had improved but her blood pressure was still worrying, not to mention how thready her pulse seemed when Michelle pressed her fingers to her wrist momentarily. That was never a good sign, especially with the way her eyes unfocused and her response to stimuli had decreased.

“Marjan,” she leaned a bit closer to meet her glassy eyes, “You stay awake for me.”

“T-trying…” she murmured, “Hurts.”

“I know,” looking at her crewmate she asked for a dose of morphine that would hopefully help until they got her to the ER. Nancy administered the painkiller as quickly as she could, reminding Marjan that she was doing well and they would get her help.

When the other woman leaned towards the front to ask Tim about their ETA, Marjan reached out weakly. She caught Michelle’s hand, making the EMT look at her with concern.

“I-” she took a shaky breath and tried to blink away the tears that clouded her vision, “I don’t w-wanna… die this way.”

“Hey, don’t say that,” Michelle told her firmly, “We’ve got you. You never let anything stop you before, Marjan, you can get through this.”

“M… Michelle?”

“I’m right here, Mar.”

“I-” her sentence never finished as the firefighter’s eyes rolled back slowly, unable to properly hear Michelle’s words of panic as she noticed what was happening. Marjan tried to stay alert, she really did, but the pain was too much. She felt like she was suffocating, the heavy weight in her abdomen slowly radiating up her body. She could feel hands on her, knew Michelle was with her, but she couldn’t focus. The only thing she was aware of was the aggressive beeping of the monitor that preceded her descent into unconsciousness.

[tigerdrop]

hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

[hoekaashi]

Seven Years | K.E.

a/n: thank you for 700!! i really appreciate it. should i have written fluff for this? mayhaps. did i? nope (: also thank you to @bakugoustanaccount​ for making this amazing banner for me, love you boo pairing: kirishima x reader words: 1.2k warnings: mentions of death and blood, a car accident taglist: @babydabi​, @suckersuki​, @animoozies​

Seven years, down the drain. Kirishima sat in the hospital bed, numb. What about the rest of his life? What was he going to do now? He thought back to what happened and tried to think of any signs that he missed. Anything that could have changed the outcome of that night.

The two of you were on your way back from your five year reunion. The reunion wasn’t hosted by the school itself, but rather the students who graduated five years ago. Kirishima was enjoying himself, meeting up and talking to his old classmates he hadn’t seen in a while. Even though you saw them around once a week, you stuck with your friends, opting out of mingling with your fiance. Mina brought up how different you and Kirishima were - Kirishima being this open and friendly person who got along with everyone easily and you being a more selective person, choosing to stick to what was familiar to you. 

It’s true, no one really saw the two of you getting together, but there was something about you that drew in Kirishima and it took him almost a year to finally get the courage to ask you out. You didn’t know what it was about him that made you want to know him better. Maybe it was the way he always made you comfortable, or maybe it was the warm feeling you felt whenever he was around. You felt safe in his presence. The shock that came over him when you didn’t hesitate to say yes made you clutch your stomach from laughter and from that moment, he knew you were the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. But here you were, seven years later, taking your relationship slow and enjoying every moment. You weren't in any rush to get married and Kirishima learned how to slow things down with you by his side.

“Babe, why don’t you talk to people with me? You’re just standing here with Kaminari and Mina.” Kirishima pouted.

You glanced between the three people around you. “Well, it’s like I’ve been telling you since our first year, Kaminari is my favorite.” 

“Kaminari is my favorite,” Mina said with you, causing Kirishima to pout harder.

You wrapped your arms around his waist and planted a kiss on his cheek, giving into his wish. “One round and that’s all.”

Kirishima’s pout instantly flipped to a smile and he led you out into the crowd. As much as you just wanted to hang with your friends, it was nice to see everyone again. You got caught up in conversations with a few people like Shinsou and Midoriya, losing track of the time you spent talking with them. Kirishima watched as you became animated as you spoke and couldn’t help the smile on his face. Regardless of how long the two of you had been together, he felt like he was falling in love all over again every day.

“If you aren’t gonna fucking pay attention to what I’m saying, I’m leaving.”

Kirishima turned to Bakugou, rubbing the nape of his neck. “Sorry Bakubro, I can’t help it sometimes.”

“Tch, whatever.”

The rest of the night went by in a blur. When it was finally time to leave, you couldn’t have felt more exhausted. The two were in their car, Kirishima driving them home.

“That is the most mingling I’ve done in a long time,” you commented as you leaned the passenger’s seat back and closed your eyes.

Kirishima chuckled. “You enjoyed yourself though. Admit it.”

You opened one eye to look at the red head. “I admit to nothing.”

He placed a hand on your thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze, and you placed your hand on his. “Babe, I know you said you aren’t in a rush...but I can’t wait to marry you.”

You smiled softly. “Me too. Maybe next year.”

“That’s so far,” he whined.

“I’m not going anywhere, neither are you. We should just enjoy life as it comes.” You propped the seat back up, not wanting to fall asleep and leave Kirishima alone to drive.

He hummed. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Those were words that only Kirishima heard. You never said them for anyone else - not even when Mina got you shitfaced at her birthday. Those words belonged to Kirishima and him only.

He removed his hand from your leg, placing it on the wheel, and leaned forward a bit. “The fuck is…”

Kirishima slammed on the breaks and managed to avoid crashing head first into a stop truck. You felt all the sleep leave your body as you stared in shock at what almost happened.

“Why is there a truck parked here -”

Your words were cut off by another truck hitting the car from the back. The car collided into the truck in front of them, the entire front of the car crushed under the truck.

Thinking fast, Kirishima hardened himself last second, avoiding a majority of the damage he would’ve received. Once the car stopped moving, he opened his eyes and looked around. He felt himself freeze over when he saw you lying next to him, covered in blood, unconscious. He reached for you, keeping his quirk activated to avoid the glass and metal all around him.

“Hey, wake up,” he said as he turned your head so you were facing him.

Your eyes fluttered open and you coughed up some blood. “Eiji…” you whispered. Just that amount of effort was too much for you. Wincing from the pain, Kirishima saw that some of the glass was stuck in your throat.

“Don’t move or do anything. I’m gonna call for help and the doctor’s will help you.” He broke through his door and reached into his pocket for his phone. Quickly dialing for an ambulance, Kirishima began to investigate the trucks. Both of them had no drivers in them which he found strange until he remembered the last villain he fought with. Kirishima had killed the villain’s wife. It wasn’t on purpose, but they were both highly wanted criminals. The villain could control objects…

Kirishima looked around for the villain but couldn’t find any traces of him. By the time the police and ambulance got there, he had searched the entire area around them and found nothing. He got into the ambulance with you, holding your hand, and trying not to cry. You were covered in blood from head to toe and he watched as the EMTs tried to stop some of the major bleeding. He kept telling himself that everything was going to be okay, that you would be okay.

Kirishima was treated for his wounds while you were operated on. No one could give him any information on what was going on and he stopped asking. Eventually the ER doctor came into his room with a grave look on his face.

“I’m sorry, she didn’t make it…”

Those four words were enough to destroy his life. It was a joke right? They were messing with him. Kirishima ripped out the IVs in his arm and grabbed the doctor by his scrub’s collars. Bakugou showed up in time to pull his best friend off the doctor. He had heard the news and pulled Kirishima into a tight hug. The blond took all the hits and punches his friend delivered to him as he got his anger out. He didn't let go until Kirishima cooled his rage off and finally started crying. It felt like Bakugou held his friend for hours before he finally calmed down.

Sniffling, Kirishima spoke. “She said she wasn’t going anywhere. She lied to me…”

[haveanotherkpopblog]

Vive la Revolution

Prologue

Genre: Cyberpunk!AU, Dystopian!AU, Gang!AU, Rivals-to-Lovers!AU

Pairing: TBA

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: Sexual Situations

Masterlist || Next Part >>

Society fell when the game came out. It was supposed to be a game for children, where they could let their imaginations run rampant. The game was meant for them to have an escape from everyday life. But then they didn’t stop playing. They spent all day in the game. Nothing else mattered except the game.

The game--the game wasn’t like other games. It was the future of virtual reality. It was a game where you didn’t need to stop to sleep or even use the bathroom. Your consciousness was transferred into the game, putting you in a deep slumber, a coma almost. The only downfall was you had to leave, until you didn’t have to.

The kids turned to the black market for medical IV’s so they could keep playing. Crime began to rise significantly over the mere months since the game’s initial release. The police did their best, but with limited resources and limited money, there was only so much they could do.

Then the adults started playing. In an attempt to save their children, adults entered the game. The only problem was, they never left. The curiosity of what had captured their children’s minds so effortlessly and quietly. Slowly, the adults stopped leaving the game. They followed in their kids’ footsteps, buying IV’s and locking themselves away in the game.

Businesses began shutting down from the lack of customers and the employees seeming to vanish into thin air. Life began slowing down, the only thing thriving in the dying country was crime. The police slowly began to stop doing their jobs, letting the country run rampant with illegal activities.

The worst of it was in the capital. The most powerful people, the socialites, lived there, including the manufacturer of Virtual Paradise-- the game responsible for capturing half the nation’s mind. The game went world-wide, and soon everyone who was anyone had purchased the game. People, desperate to escape their lives, stole the game from anywhere they could get it. The company, Tempestechnologies, had become the company.

However, that was the capital and all major cities of the world. What was really scary was the rest of the country that couldn’t afford the game. Or if they could, they were smart enough not to buy it. With the world and the nation in chaos, the country had been divided into three districts.

The first was the JYP District. It covered most of the coastline and was the mediator between the other two districts. The leader of the District referred to herself as Queenie. As the only female leader, she gave herself a fitting title. While rather small in size, she was a force to be reckoned with. She and her husband had made a quiet, but successful, living working mainly with oversea gangs. She kept the other two districts as close allies.

The second was the SM District. This District covered the northern side of the country. It just also happened to be the richest amongst the three Districts since the Capital fell within their territory. The leader was Leeteuk, a successful businessman turned into an even more successful gang leader. He knew where the game would lead the country from a young age, and he’d been preparing ever since for the inevitable.

The last District was the scariest. YG District was made up of the southern side of the country and what little bit of the coastal region JYP didn’t control. The crime rates were so high, the police had completely given up and worked for the District’s leading gang and the leader. The leader--the leader was so many things, finding one word to describe him was impossible. G-Dragon had done so many unthinkable things, had seen the unimaginable, and he had laughed at it all.

Now while Queenie had aligned herself and JYP with SM and YG, the two didn’t like each other. In fact, if it hadn’t been for her, there certainly would have been a civil war unlike any before. That’s where the story started, at the end of a feud that started before either of them reached double digits.

Queenie sat in one of the clubs in her District. For the best outcome, everyone needed to meet on neutral territory. That meant her territory, which she didn’t mind at all. Her turf, her rules. She smirked, eyes scanning the club, skimming every face she recognized and every face she didn’t. She watched as A, one of her informants, flirted with some random guy at the bar. He wasn’t bad looking, but Queenie knew A was simply biding her time.

“Are you sure they’re going to show?” JB, Queenie’s second in command, sat perched at the edge of his seat. He was staring directly at her, his eyebrows halfway up his forehead. His drink sat on the table in front of him, barely touched as the ice slowly watered it down. She smirked, reaching to grab her own glass off the table.

“Have patience. They’ll show up.”

As if on cue, Mandu, JB’s personal bodyguard, escorted four men in. Mandu had dark brown hair parted away from his face. His muscles bulged against his tight shirt, giving everyone a clear image of his strong physique that detoured most people, as long as he kept his mouth closed. Once he opened his mouth, any intimidation the other party felt disappeared. Even with his deep, intimidating voice, Mandu was simply too sweet and kind for his own good.

Leeteuk sat in the chair opposite of Queenie. His pink hair fell into his eyes, making him squint and occasionally toss his head. His suit jacket was undone, revealing the tight, black dress shirt that hugged his toned chest. It was a well known fact that he had quite the fascination with her. Whether it be because of her stunning beauty or the power she held was of little consequence.

Next to him was Suho, his second in command. Suho was to keep himself more put together than Leeteuk did when she was around. His black hair was combed away from his face, and his suit was well-put together, albeit more casual than what he usually wore. They were supposed to be more casual, relaxed, with each other. Hence them meeting in some bourgeois club. And that was strictly on Queenie’s request.

Behind them were their bodyguard, arms crossed over their chests as they eyed Queenie and her subordinates half-heartedly. They never saw her as a real threat. Whether it was because of their alliance or because they truly believed she wasn’t a threat to anyone was unknown to her. But she knew she could handle herself, and should the time ever come, she would show them just how well.

“Gentlemen. Welcome. I hope the journey wasn’t too hard,” she greeted.

“Seeing you again is worth every second,” Leeteuk said, shooting her a wink. Queenie peered over her glass, sparing a glance to Suho who was staring at Leeteuk with a slight scrunched face. He rolled his eyes, taking a prolonged sip from his cup. “I only wish it was under better circumstances.” She carefully set down her cup.

“I think these are the best circumstances. You’re finally putting that silly little feud behind you,” she said. She leant forward, placing a delicate hand just above his knee, giving it a light squeeze. “You know how much I dislike conflict.” He watched her hand with a dark gaze, his leg tensing under her touch. Suho and JB shared an unimpressed look before they both took a sip of their drinks. Queenie pulled back, crossing her legs as she observed Leeteuk.

Leeteuk observed her too, taking in her now short hair, the subtle makeup around her smoldering eyes and luscious lips. His eyes trailed down her body, admiring how the dress hugged her curves and even gave him a glimpse of what the thin fabric was covering. She was temptation. He knew that, she knew that, he knew she knew that, and he was more than aware she used that knowledge to her advantage, yet he let her pull him in. What they knew was of little consequence to them.

“I see they’re just letting anybody in here now.” Queenie and Leeteuk looked away from each other to the three people that had entered the room. DaH, Queenie’s personal bodyguard, had brought in two more people for their little celebratory party. Her long blonde hair fell down her back as she shot a harsh glare to the pair she’d brought in. DaH wasn’t built like Mandu, she was small and petite, but she made up for her lack of bulging muscles with speed and agility. And unlike Mandu, when she spoke, her words were laced with venom.

G-Dragon gave DaH a cheeky wink, to which she replied by narrowing her gaze more. She shot Queenie an unimpressed look before moving to stand behind her. G-Dragon oozed confidence. His hair was a disheveled mess, dark marks covered his neck and most of his chest from what could be seen of his unbuttoned shirt. She gave Queenie a sly smirk as she stood to greet him, a smirk of her own on her face.

“Well we let you in here don’t we?” she teased. G-Dragon chuckled, leaning forward to place a kiss on her cheek. He shot Leeteuk a wink as he did so, enjoying seeing him get worked up from a small action. Suho leaned over to whisper to Leeteuk, calming him down somewhat.

CL, G-Dragon’s second in command, sat next to Suho. She had at least followed Queenie’s request. Her curled, blonde hair fell over one shoulder, exposing her back and drawing attention to cleavage.  She kept her eyes focused between Queenie, Leeteuk, and G-Dragon. She flicked her wrist, glancing down at her watch.

Suho, despite his best efforts to keep a bored air around him, watched CL carefully. He took in her poised posture and the unreadable mask that hid her emotions too well. He took in how her dress exposed her back, letting his eyes trail down the length of her spine. He felt his blood heat up the longer he stared at her back.

“I’m so glad we could have this little sit down,” Queenie said. She watched both men carefully, observing their subtle glances at one another. “I think it’s about time you two put this silly feud to rest.” Both men tensed at the statement, avoiding each other’s eyes. “JB, if you will.” JB cleared his throat, regarding each man and their associates.

“Queenie and I agree that the best way to show peace is to build trust. We’ve talked with each of you separately and from that we’ve come up with a plan. G-Dragon is being gracious enough to send someone to stay in the SM District for one year with absolutely no contact.”

“How exactly does that establish trust?” Suho inquired, leaning forward so his arms rested on his knees. “If anything, that causes more trust issues. One year to gather information to be used against us? I’m failing to see how that works in our favor.”

“Well firstly, the agreement is that our person lives with you for a year without any harm,” CL said, turning to look at Suho. “Meaning if you want to keep them locked in a dungeon, as long as they’re fed and clean, you can do so. Second, we’re not sending just anyone. He’s sending in his only living relative to live with someone he hasn’t gotten along with in years. If anything, that’s the most trust I’ve seen him give anyone.” Suho and Leeteuk both stared at her in shock.

“I wasn’t aware you had any family,” Leeteuk said.

“It’s not something I like to advertise. People like to use them against you. I’m sure you more than anyone can understand that,” he replied. “Now I’m sending them to show my complete trust. If and when they return, as long as they’re in good health and have been treated with respect and dignity they deserve, then I will let bygones be bygones.”

Leeteuk regarded G-Dragon carefully. Something wasn’t sitting right in the pit of his stomach. This seemed too easy. After years of them being at each other’s throats, G-Dragon was going to gift wrap his own blood to him? Leeteuk narrowed his eyes slightly, his fist tightening around his glass.

“I wouldn’t read too much into such a generous offer,” Queenie said. She leant forward, facing Leeteuk directly. “He’s giving you unsupervised access to the closest person to him, and all you have to do is keep them healthy and safe. If anything, I think you’re getting the better side of this deal.” She placed her hand on his knee again, tilting her head slightly and staring up at him with her big, round eyes.

“Unsupervised?” Suho said.

“Yes. One whole year of unsupervised access to them. YG will have absolutely no access to them while they stay with you,” JB said, shooting Queenie a pointed look.

“Don’t mistake me for a blissfully blind fool, Leeteuk,” G-Dragon said, pulling Leeteuk’s attention away from Queenie. “I don’t expect you to trust me or my family. So as a sign of good faith, they’re going in unaccompanied. Even their own personal bodyguard won’t be with them. That’s how you’re going to show me your trust. Return them to me unharmed and in good health, treat them like family, or at least better than the men you’ve so graciously returned to me before, and I won’t murder everyone in your district.” Leeteuk clenched his jaw. Suho leant over, lowering his voice.

“Wait. We can use this to our advantage. How much information do you think our people could get out of him? Who would know his deep secrets better than his own blood?” Leeteuk weighed Suho’s words carefully, slowly relaxing into his seat.

“So you want me to keep them for one year, three-hundred and sixty-five days, and then return them safely?” Leeteuk clarified. G-Dragon nodded, moving to lean back into his seat. Leeteuk drummed his fingers on the armrest, staring at G-Dragon thoughtfully. Something still didn’t feel right, but Suho had a point. His second in command gave him a subtle nod. Leeteuk smiled smugly, tossing his hands up slightly. “I have to agree with you Queenie, I’m definitely getting the better deal.”

G-Dragon smirked, outstretching his hand. Leeteuk grabbed it, giving him a firm handshake. Queenie clapped her hands together, a genuine smile on her face. JB let out a shaky breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. Suho and CL shared a knowing look before turning back to the two leaders.

“I’m so happy everything’s worked out,” Queenie said, moving to stand up. “Now, I believe you gentlemen and lady have earned a night of relaxation. My club is all yours to enjoy.” She turned to G-Dragon, a smirk on her face. “I believe A is waiting for you downstairs.” G-Dragon returned her smirk, running a hand through his hair. Leeteuk held his hand up to the two District leaders.

“As much as I would love to, I should get back.” He and Suho, along with their bodyguards, headed towards the door. He paused briefly, turning to look back. “Just one quick question,” he said. “Who exactly is this relative of yours?” G-Dragon smiled, a genuine, scarily normal smile.

“My baby sister.”

[vs-redemption]

Crime is Common. Logic is Rare. (Ch.23)

Chapter Twenty-Three: Commence Procedure (HawksxGN!Reader)

From Cindy: This chapter is almost twice the length of the others and I apologize for that. I also apologize for the lack of Hawks. I’m planning on focusing the entire next chapter on him and the reader though, so look forward to that!

Plot summary: You thought your hands were full as a regular quirk geneticist, but then you meet Hawks and things get even more exciting!

Warnings:  

⚠️This story contains spoilers from the manga.

⚠️Some events and plot points have been altered from the original manga

⚠️ This chapter mentions medical stuff like needles and seizures

Tag List: @gayforkeigo @marshmallow-witch @redflannel @toyo-shiro @elsasshole @astronomyturtle @iambashfulperson @omiwashere

Next Chapter : Chapter Guide

“Today is the big day!” Dr. Garaki announces the next time you’re in the lab. Thankfully, Shigaraki hadn’t made a move to kill you when you arrived, so you assumed the meeting with the Hero Commission had been a success and that nobody knew you had divulged so much sensitive information about the doctor’s plan to them. “Shigaraki, are you excited?”

“Let’s just get started already,” the villain groans impatiently. “I’ll be excited once this is all over and all the heroes are dead.”

“Actually, I’m a little concerned about something,” you speak up before things could progress any further. The doctor hadn’t given you any prior warning that Shigaraki’s procedure would begin that day, but you weren’t surprised. He’d probably kept the exact date from you on purpose as a safety precaution.

“Oh?” Garaki eyes you curiously, “What is it?”

“I’d rather talk to you about it in private,” you admit while glancing warily over at Shigaraki, who predictably began to throw a fit. His red eyes, which were filled with suspicion, bore into you as if he believed intimidation alone would be enough to get you to confess to plotting something behind his back. Luckily for him though, your business with the doctor had nothing to do with schemes to do him any harm.

“It’ll only take a minute,” you add the promise just to try and put the villain at ease.

“All right,” The doctor nods. “I have to check on the high-ends anyway, so you can come with me and tell me once we’re in there.” Shigaraki lets out a sigh of annoyance, but the situation couldn’t have gone any better for you. If the doctor was allowing you to accompany him into the second lab, it would give you the chance to get another look at the nomus. You knew that any information you could pass along about the high-ends would be appreciated by the Hero Commission.

You and the doctor made some small talk as you walk through the dimly lit tunnel, taking care not to trip or step on any of the tangled up tubes and wires lining the floor, walls, and ceiling. The place used to creep you out a bit, but nothing really compared to the unease of working under the watchful eyes of Shigaraki. Once you arrive in the second lab and the door is securely shut behind you, Dr. Garaki finally turns the conversation to business.

“I wanted to let you know that the Hero Commission finally gave me permission to see the high-end from the Kyushu incident,” you tell him even though he should already know. Hawks had been present for the conversation for the very purpose of having the villains listen in. Of course, you hadn’t really gone to the Commission’s lab that day, but the president had still begrudgingly released the information they’d gathered on the nomu so that you’d be able to make the story more believable when talking to the doctor.

“Really?” The doctor pretends to be surprised. He looks at you curiously before beginning the walk through the giant liquid filled glass chambers where the high-ends sat dormant. You weighed the pros and cons of activating your quirk to record as many details of the room as you could in your mind for the Hero Commission. The doctor knew the exact length of time you could use your quirk though, so if he asked you to use it today and you were missing a minute or two he would certainly start asking questions.

“That high-end was killed by Endeavor’s flames,” you say. “Its body was burnt to a crisp from the inside out, but didn’t that nomu have a regenerative quirk?”

“That’s right,” The doctor nods before setting to work running some diagnostics from his computer. When the screen lights up with valuable information about each nomu, you know you have to risk using your quirk. You had no idea what small tidbit might mean the difference between a hero living or dying.

“I’m just a little worried,” you admit. “If that high-end wasn’t able to heal fast enough to keep up with the damage it sustained from Endeavor’s flames, there’s no way to be sure that Shigaraki won’t have the same problem.” The doctor glances over his shoulder at you to show you’d caught his interest, so you continue.

“Sure,” you shrug while trying not to make it obvious you were looking at his computer. “All for one’s quirk might be stronger overall because we’re using a living host with DNA fused much more completely than the nomus, but that still doesn’t mean Shigaraki can’t get overwhelmed.” You take the chance to glance around at the high-ends. Even knowing the build of their bodies could give insight to what they were capable of.

“We don’t even know if Shigaraki’s DNA samples ever stopped needing to regenerate either,” you continue your speech. “We just know that the rate of regeneration reached an equilibrium. If Shigaraki’s DNA isn’t truly fused, and it’s just in a constant state of regeneration, his whole body might start to break down the moment he’s in any kind of physical distress.”

Dr. Garaki turns to give you his complete attention after that. “Are you trying to get me to delay Shigaraki’s procedure?”

“No,” you give your answer confidently because it was the truth. “It’s been made quite clear that we don’t have the luxury of having more time for testing. I just didn’t want to jump head first into this thing without all possible outcomes being laid out on the table. This procedure is meant to give Shigaraki more power, but it could very well backfire and make him completely defenseless.”

“I didn’t know you cared that much about Shigaraki,” the smile on the doctor’s face looked a bit more manic than you were used to. Surely he didn’t think you were actually starting to sympathize with the villain’s cause?

“I don’t,” you tell him bluntly. “Not really. At least, I don’t care about him any more or less than I would anyone else. I just want both of you to have a fair warning. You are more reasonable than he is though, which is why I’m telling you first.”

“Shigaraki can be rather melodramatic at times,” The doctor concedes. “You don’t have to worry about him though. Even if his body won’t hold up well in a fight, it’ll still be an advantage for him to have All For One’s quirk at his disposal.” The ominous smile on Dr. Garaki’s face intensifies. “Besides, Shigaraki will never be defenseless. He has plenty of resources to rely on for protection, the high-ends just being one of them.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear that,” You say while finally deactivating your quirk. You were reaching your limit even after the boost you’d gained from eating a handful of almonds with your breakfast that morning. “That makes me feel a little better I guess.”

Of course, you didn’t really feel better. You knew the resources the doctor was referring to. Shigaraki had more than just the high-end nomus and the massive army of civilian soldiers that had rallied behind him. He also had a fiercely loyal follower with some sort of monster quirk that the Hero Commission still had no real specific information about. All they knew was that this guy was huge and strong. Hawks had actually seen him a few times during the time he spent working with the villains. The rumor was that the giant man could sleep for ridiculous amounts of time, and only ever acted on direct orders from Shigaraki. He sounded terrifying and you really hoped the heroes could find a way to take down the league without ever needing to get into a confrontation with the giant villain.

“Let’s keep your concerns about the procedure to ourselves though,” Dr. Garaki shuts down his computer and gestures for you to follow him back to the main lab. “There’s no reason to get Shigaraki more nervous than he already is. We’ll be able to monitor his condition once the procedure commences, and we can make alterations as needed.”

“All right,” you agree to his decision while heading back to where Shigaraki was waiting for both of you to return.

“That was much longer than a minute,” the leader of the villains snaps once you emerge from behind the secret panel that hid the tunnel.

“I apologize,” The doctor tells him with his normal smile back in place. “You won’t need to wait a moment more though. Let’s get you set up and comfortable so we can get begin the procedure.”

Shigaraki made a stink for a moment about wanting to know what you’d needed to talk about behind his back, but the doctor managed to placate him with some random excuses. After Shigaraki calmed down, you led him over to the hospital bed that had been brought down for him. You managed to get him to lay down and set up with IVs while Dr. Garaki prepared the serum.

“Are you ready for the anesthesia?” you ask Shigaraki while holding up the vial. “Once this is administered, you’re going to fall asleep really fast and we won’t be able to wake you up again until the procedure is finished.”

“Yes, I’m ready.” There was a slight hesitation in his voice, making him appear more human in your eyes for a moment. Even though you were meant be staying neutral, it still upset you to be doing such a dangerous experiment on a living person. There was a chance Shigaraki would never wake up, and even though he was already responsible for so much death and destruction, you couldn’t help but feel bad about whatever life he’d lived in the past that had brought him to this point.

“Okay,” you hand the anesthesia to the doctor since he had the proper training to handle that and you prepare yourself mentally for injecting the serum. You watch Shigaraki’s face relax and after a few seconds his eyes drift closed. Your eyes dart to the machine monitoring his vitals and everything looked normal.

“That was the easy part,” Dr. Garaki tells you before gesturing at the syringe in your hand.

“Yeah,” you let out a sigh to release some of your own tension, then shake your head before reaching out to take Shigaraki’s arm and inserting the needle. After the serum is injected, both you and the doctor wait silently for a moment to see what would happen. Things seemed okay for a moment, but then Shigaraki’s entire body started to convulse, setting off an alarm on the device monitoring his vitals.

“That’s not good,” You turn to the doctor who looked extremely concerned that things were going this poorly already.

“Get him on his side,” Dr. Garaki orders and you quickly jump into action. You put your hands under Shigaraki and roll him over as gently as possible, trying not to restrict his movement too much. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much you could do for him except wait for the episode to pass. Once the shaking stops, Shigaraki’s vitals go back to normal and you roll him back over so he’s lying flat again.

“That was a stronger reaction than we anticipated,” your eyes scan over Shigaraki’s unconscious form, suddenly wishing you had more of a medical background.

“I’d like to run a few brain scans to see if there’s anything noteworthy going on in his head that might have contributed to the seizure,” Garaki scratches at his mustache, still on edge from what happened. “Can you take a blood sample and check how the DNA merging process is going?”

“Sure,” you go to gather the supplies you need. When you get the blood sample under the microscope, you’re frustrated to see that most of the chromosomes aren’t attempting to fuse at all. The few that do move and bind together look more like that of a nomu than a person. You report the findings to the doctor right before Shigaraki’s body starts to have another violent reaction.

“At this rate, we’ll have to keep him under twenty-four hour surveillance,” The doctor had a light sheen of sweat on his forehead now. Things were not going well at all. “I still want to do those head scans though.”

“Yeah, okay,” You nod your head. “I’ll stay as long as I can.”

“I appreciate that,” Dr. Garaki says, even though you got the feeling he wouldn’t have let you leave anyway with Shigaraki in such an unstable state. Hopefully, you’d find a way to get the villain under control soon though since there was a limit on the amount of time you could keep the information from your quirk inside your mind. You had to play your role diligently though, even if it meant helping keep Shigaraki alive at the risk of losing every scrap of information you’d gathered for the Hero Commission.

It was well into the early hours of morning before Dr. Garaki finally allowed you to go home and rest. The sun had long past set and was already on the rise again as you rode the train back to your apartment. Shigaraki was still having random fits, but they seemed to be coming less often and with less intensity as before. The doctor would be able to manage without you for a little while. All you wanted to do when you finally got home was sleep, but everything you’d seen in the second lab would be gone just as soon as you closed your eyes for too long. You put on a pot of coffee, grabbed a notebook, and began to scribble down everything as fast as you could before the exhaustion inevitably took over.

[bau-rookie]

a close examination of Hotch and Foyet

in which Hotch’s greatest strength becomes his fatal flaw.

(a/n: super long essay, because i don’t know how else to consume media apparently lol. i’ve been sitting on this since “100″ because it is really sad and I just wanted to make sure I get all my thoughts in order. It is, to my discovery, Aaron Hotchner’s birthday today, so what better way to celebrate than by explaining all the ways the Foyet arc reads like a Greek tragedy and how Hotch is an amazingly well-written character. Sorry the only way I can think about paying tribute is by making myself sad. Oh there’s GIFs too! I made them and that’s neat :D)

I. Ingredients for a Greek tragedy.

Greek tragedies stem from classical plays, usually about the nobility, and is centered around their struggle against the Gods/Fate. The noble character has a hamartia, or a fatal flaw, usually their own arrogance, that brings upon their own downfall.

Technically, Criminal Minds would fall under the category of modern tragedy which focuses more on common people and everyday problems. (Though you could argue that being a BAU profiler isn’t your typical career, which makes our characters noble not by blood, but in spirit.)

In modern tragedy, there is less of an emphasis on the involvement of a higher power or Fate. Every bad thing that happens is of mankind’s own making, and this is something that CM discusses often, that evil isn’t necessarily brought upon by a higher power. It’s brought upon by ordinary people choosing to do terrible things. 

And Foyet is no different. He chose to kill all these people because he wanted to, but his fascination with Hotch and how his plans for him play out, entrap Hotch in a tragedy more Greek in nature.

What Foyet ultimately does is take Hotch’s greatest strength—his stoic resolve to serve justice—and uses it to hold him personally responsible for the death of his ex-wife, all while bending the hand of Fate to his will.

II. Hotch as a noble character.

In “Omnivore” we are introduced to the Reaper and the many ways he tries to exert control and power over his victims. After killing so many times loses its appeal, the Reaper decides to toy with detective Tom Shaunessey by offering him a deal—if you stop hunting me, I will stop hunting them. 

While we sympathize with Shaunessey simply trying to save lives, he does so with the knowledge that he is deliberately letting a serial killer go free. The fear and the guilt eats away at him until his death.

Hotch, on the other hand, quickly establishes himself to be a resolute pursuer of justice. We don’t get to make those decisions. We don’t let them get away with it. He holds onto the idea that they have no right to decide who lives or dies and that the victims that unsubs like the Reaper takes, are not something he, or anyone in his line of work, should feel responsible for. Their sole responsibility is to stop them. 

This isn’t to say that Hotch is unaffected by the increasing number of bodies. When he turns down the deal and the Reaper attacks the bus full of people, he is visibly shaken by this, so much so that we see Hotch cry for the first time. It takes Rossi delivering some tough love to remind him of what’s important.

Look, if you want to end up like Shaunessy, like Gideon, blaming yourself for everything, you go ahead. But that voice in your head—it’s not your conscience. It’s your ego. This isn’t about us, Aaron. It’s about the bad guys. That why we profile them. It’s their fault. We’re just guys doing a job. And when we stop doing it someone else will.

Hotch and the team in general, are faced with constant reminders that they are only human. They are fallible and cannot control every outcome. 

Not everyone can handle the stresses of being a profiler. Despite the horrors, the chance of failing, Hotch’s greatest strength is his stoic resolve. He’s become our beloved Unit Chief, the person on the team who takes on the most pressure, takes it upon himself to, at times, shield the rest of the team from the greater burdens. Personally, he’s arguably also the one who sacrificed the most to have this job, having lost his marriage.

Yet despite the horrors, despite the toll, Hotch shows up for the job anyway. Because he can’t imagine letting the bad guys get away with it.

III. Foyet as a representation of Fate

“The Eye of Providence. A symbol adopted by the U.S. Government with the words: Annuit Coeptis. Latin for “Providence or fate has favored our undertakings.” The Reaper seems to see himself as the personification of Fate.”  — Dr. Spencer Reid, “Omnivore”

From the beginning Foyet is shown to have a flair for theatrics. He leaves markings of the Eye of Providence, writes Fate in blood, calls himself the The Reaper. He has delusions of grandeur and posits himself as a higher power, one who gets to decide the course of other people’s lives. Everyone who has the misfortune of coming into contact with the Reaper, becomes another chess piece in his twisted game of Fate.

In another life, Hotch would never cross paths with Foyet. But because he did, Foyet acts as Fate, bringing down divine intervention in the form of driving Hotch into a tragedy of his own making.

Foyet acting as Fate is, paradoxically, also an argument against the actual existence of Fate. Everything that happens is a result of Foyet’s choices. It is him, a man, and not Fate who is choosing to kill, maim and be cruel.

When it came to Shaunessy, Foyet also emphasized pinning the blame of the death of innocent lives on the failure of law enforcement. It isn’t Fate when there’s something you could do to stop it. Shaunessy took the deal because he felt personally responsible for the possible loss of lives, an outcome that Foyet pretty much predicted, but one that doesn’t really affect him. Shaunessy agrees, he gets off on controlling the police. If he doesn’t, well, he can just keep on killing.

Foyet repeats the deal with Hotch. Offers him the deal, which Hotch refuses then immediately murders 7 people on the bus, setting a chain of cause and effect that makes it seems like Hotch’s actions led to this gruesome outcome. Again, placing the blame personally, on Hotch. And Hotch does blame himself, if momentarily.

Later, once Foyet escapes and corners Hotch in his own apartment, he makes it clear, you should have made a deal. Foyet acts as a vessel for Fate, a vehicle through which the consequences of Hotch’s actions are served. 

Foyet takes it a step further, when he puts Haley and Jack in witness protection. Left all the usual clues, to simply say your wife and child are in danger because you never took the deal. I hold all the cards here, your fate will come for you eventually.

Then Foyet disappears, and waits. Leaving Hotch filled with guilt over endangering his ex-wife and child, at the mercy of Foyet’s arbitration of Fate.

IV. Dominoes and fatal flaws

By the time “100″ rolls around, you’re so captivated by the action happening on screen that it’s easy to overlook how we got there. When I first watched this season, I had assumed that Foyet would be put on the back burner until the end of the season. His quicker-than-expected return seems to be happenstance, the writers behind-the-scenes doing some plot magic, but if you reexamine the events that lead up to “100″ we see Foyet’s greater machinations at play.

On the surface, the preceding episode “Outfoxed” seems to be a straight forward throwback to an earlier case. Faced with a family annihilator, Hotch and Emily visit the original Fox in prison, believing the current unsub might be a copycat. The episode seems to be about the mental toll being a profiler brings, with Emily contending with a sense of disgust at having to get intimate with a serial killer (post-”Lauren” this reads very differently, but I digress). Until right at the end, when they reveal the admirer letters were actually from Foyet, and the one being outfoxed is Hotch.

When the events of “100″ go down, we hear Foyet repeatedly blame Hotch for what happens with Haley, calls out what we see as a noble resolve to instead be Hotch’s fatal flaw. It was the same thing that led Haley to leave him, a failing borne from Hotch’s own ego, the part of him that insists that it be him who catches the bad guys, that it be him who risks it all. And Foyet uses that to his advantage, uses Hotch’s resolve to trick him into thinking that maybe he did cause all of this tragedy to happen.

One small detail that caught my attention, and set me on this Greek tragedy path, is when they try to track down Foyet in “100″, Garcia notes that he had set an internet search alert for the name “Peter Rhea.”

At this point, Foyet was ready to go after Haley and Jack. He already had pictures and surveillance of the U.S. Marshall in charge of them. He could’ve gone and killed them anytime, but that’s not how Foyet operates. He needs Hotch to feel personally responsible for things ending badly. He set the bait with the letters and simply had to wait for Hotch and the team to get close enough, to find Peter Rhea. This is, of course, incredibly risky. The team could catch him before Foyet gets anywhere close to Haley and Jack, but Foyet is sure of himself and is an extensive planner. He made sure he was always two steps ahead.

The irony is that Foyet would never have gone after Haley and Jack if Hotch and the team didn’t get close to tracking him down. There’s an added layer of Spencer figuring out Foyet’s alias using his genius anagram deciphering brain and Garcia’s expert tech analyst skills. Foyet managed to hurt Hotch because this specific BAU team are just too damn good at their jobs.

Foyet set up dominoes that only Aaron Hotchner could tip to fall. He does it so well it almost feels like Fate.

V. The inevitability of fate

“Men heap together the mistakes of their lives and create a monster called destiny.”  — John Hobbes, “Omnivore” closing quote.

A key aspect of Greek tragedy, is that Fate is often the result of divine intervention. They cause certain events to happen in certain ways so as to result in the most tragic outcome, usually death. It’s designed so that the audience is aware of what’s to come, and can see no other way for the story to end. The tragedy is supposed to feel inevitable.

One could argue, that there is no such thing as Fate. Life is simply a sequence of random happenstance, but our need to prescribe meaning to the chaos cobbles up stories of predetermined destinies. Especially when the idea of owning up to our mistakes and their consequences is too much.

All of this was the result of one sick man, George Foyet, choosing to be so cruel. And Hotch was simply a victim of circumstance because if Foyet wasn’t going after Hotch, he’d be going after someone else.

But what are the odds that Hotch’s first case as lead profiler happens to be The Boston Reaper? It was from that moment that Hotch’s fate was really sealed, he and Foyet would be forever intertwined. 

Hotch, being who he is, had inadvertently, made the Reaper personal. Even when his BAU team was sent away, his resolve wouldn’t let the Reaper simply disappear. It led him to build his profile, alone and over many years. Any other person might’ve just let the case go, but not Hotch.

So when Shaunessy died and the Reaper resurfaced, the only person in the world who knows enough about the Reaper to track him down, is Hotch. It’s what leads him to George Foyet, a victim at first glance, and Hotch comes to him unaware that he is promising The Reaper a new, worthy adversary, one a decade in the making. And everything, from his prison escape, to his attack on Hotch in his apartment, plays out exactly as Foyet expects it to, because as much as Hotch can read him, Foyet can read his behavior too.

At the end of 5x03, “Reckoner”, Rossi talks about what could have been when it comes to his childhood sweetheart to Hotch. About how he was too obsessed with his job, with the hunt that he gave up his chance of having a family. Rossi warns Hotch, don’t make my mistakes, kid.

You have a family. When all this is over, what are you gonna do to make sure you’re not a lonely guy wondering why you let the purest thing in your life get away?

My initial reaction was that they were setting up for Hotch to leave the BAU for good. The man who hung on to the job so much that it cost him his marriage, for the first time, actually considers leaving it all behind him. Because what Rossi says to him, driven by the circumstances that Foyet has created, is too profound for him to ignore. Foyet is too big of a thing to just move on from once its over.

Of course, my hopes of Hotch riding off into sunset to live a quieter life and watch his son grow up were optimistic at best. It’s a fantasy that purposely ignores the reality of who Hotch is, simply because I want the alternative to be possible. By the time Haley is buried, and Strauss offers Hotch retirement, we already know what his answer is going to be. Because everything we know about this man can only lead us to one conclusion.

Aaron Hotchner is the man who goes after the bad guys, the man who doesn’t let them get away with it. No matter how much I yell at my screen about how Hotch should just retire and spend all his time with Jack, deep down I knew that was never going to happen. Him losing Haley and still going back to work, seems like the only logical outcome. It’s almost feels inevitable.

VI. Catharsis

The point of tragedy is, according to Aristotle, to achieve catharsis. The purging of emotion through the telling of another person’s suffering. And that’s what “100″ does (unless your heart is made of stone and you somehow did not tear up even once).

Others would say that tragedy is meant to teach us a lesson. Meant to teach us the limits of our mortal abilities, to warn against hubris and arrogance; to remind us that they are higher powers and unseen forces beyond our understanding or control.

Criminal Minds doesn’t try to give us that lesson. Like in so many previous cases, the premise of a crime procedural is really a way of examining human nature. Why do people do bad things? More often than not, though our profilers can figure out how an unsub goes from doing thing A to thing B, they don’t have a satisfying answer for why. 

In Foyet’s case, he does all of this to Hotch because he can, because he enjoys making him suffer. It is evil, unnecessarily cruel. There is no sense to be found in what happened.

But “100″ does not deliver pure tragedy. It ended in the death of Haley but it also provided hope in the survival of Jack. Hotch finally rids the world of Foyet, though the way it went down, you can’t help but wonder about the price of justice, if the cost is too much for this one man to pay. But then the show reminds the audience, that this one man isn’t bearing that cost alone.

Aaron Hotchner has his team, his family, and with their support, a chance to recover from the tragedy that Foyet wrought.

I used to think that, despite being dead, George Foyet still won. He set out to hurt Hotch, and that’s exactly what he did. We’ve only seen Hotch openly cry twice at this point, and they both were directly caused by Foyet. And I suppose that’s still partly true. It’s hard to really tell with our stone-faced unit chief, but it’s hard to see how Foyet wouldn’t linger.

But that victory isn’t absolute. Foyet is gone, and he loses every time Jack gets to spend another day happy and alive. Foyet loses, every time Hotch shows up for the job and doesn’t let another unsub like him get away with it.

And maybe that’s the lesson. That though good doesn’t always triumph over evil, there is a way to move past tragedy. And that path lies not in solitude, in carrying the burden alone, but in the solace of our friends and family who can bear witness to all that we must face.

For all all my waxing poetic about how Hotch is a noble hero, this entire ordeal just shows how human he is. Yet despite his flaws and the tragedy, the core unassailable truth of who he is, the values he represents, remain unchanged.

He is Aaron Hotchner. The guy who hunts down guys like Foyet. The guy who doesn’t let the bad guys get away with it. The guy who, despite everything, managed to save his son. The guy who will keep his promise to the woman he was once married to, to teach their son that love is the most important thing. The guy who makes sure that his son knows that good people do exist.

Aaron Hotchner is the guy who, despite all the hurt, the pain and the loss, chooses to be the hero. And that’s the farthest thing from tragic.

[pochapal]

I hate doctor 11 but ive never been able to explain why in like words lmao. He feels like such a mary sue character imo and like theres something about his characterisation that was always just really ineffective (like the stuff about fishfingers and custard or whatever it was). Imo i'd love to hear you give top 5 worst things about the 11 era because i rlly just love when it gets torn apart

i hold nothing but a seething contempt and loathing for that man. every time he appeared on screen i felt ready to snap like a riled up chimpanzee in my enclosure. i am frothing at the mouth and overcome with a desire to start flinging heavy objects. this might be incoherent and inconsistent but i started this rewatch in feb 2020 and only finished this week so i got through 11′s episodes last august/september time and i refuse to revisit it to jog my memory or fact check anything i’m saying here because this man does not deserve the space in my mind for that.

the first thing is i can’t fucking STAND the quirky whimsy timey wimey bit he has going on all of the time. i can’t even say this is because this is a kids show and i was a teen and then adult when i first properly watched him but actually!! when i was eleven years old i’d sleep over at a friend’s house most weekends and it always coincided with the airing of a new season 5 episode and i remember we watched the finale with the dumb time hopping to get out of the box prison that was never explained and didn’t make sense and i thought at the time “this is really stupid”. and before that my only other doctor who exposure was watching the david tennant christmas specials with another friend and throughout childhood my only opinion on doctor who was “this is a tv show that is not for me but is one that all the boys i am friends with like so i will put up with it to maintain our friendships” but at least those episodes were both suspenseful and engaging enough to keep me watching all the way through. like who the fuck does an end of the world sci fi plot and approaches it with an “oopsy woopsy i am a funny little alien man who is going to stop you all by making you do a hecking silly” like it’s unneeded and self-parodies an already cheesy show to the point where it becomes unwatchable and makes it impossible to ever take this man seriously.

next thing that downright sucks ass so badly is the stupid fucking overwritten constantly escalating plotlines. like everything from season 5 up until his regeneration at the end of season 7 is meant to be this grand interconnected cosmic plot about how...the doctor trying to bring back his planet will end the universe or something so all the top powers across all of reality tried again and again to stop him from doing that except he doesn’t know what’s going on so he keeps thwarting these people who supposedly mean good?? i mean i sure don’t fucking know what they were trying to say!! like for some reason we never get the doctor suddenly becomes this superdemon that threatens everything so these people (whoever they are) decide to, in sequence: suck him through a time rift to erase him from existence, trap him in a prison and remake a universe without him, take his companion’s baby and turn her into a perfectly trained doctor killer, form two(!!) secret societies to hunt him throughout history that are only stopped by his companion splintering herself across his personal timeline to protect him, and repeatedly cause reality collapsing events because it’s a kinder outcome for the universe than what he will do. this grand and terrible event turns out to be...he spends a few hundred years chilling by a rift that leads to his home planet and protects a few generations of children from monsters which convinces them to give him infinite regeneration power then fuck off back to their pocket universe. and it’s like!! what is the point of anything that happens in this man’s era when everything is always “the darkest moment” or whatever the fuck!! i don’t care!! we never get a compelling reason to believe this bumbling clown of a man could ever be a universal threat!! the whole thing is so dumb i hate it!!!

thing number three i hate is how the eleventh doctor is ALSO characterised as this abrasive egotistic male supergenius to the point where he becomes genuinely indistinguishable from bbc sherlock. genuinely who enjoyed seeing this guy constantly tell people their tiny human minds can’t comprehend what he’s doing and then basically just wave his magic wand to solve whatever problem each episode is facing. 2012 is the year of human sin because this fucking shitsmear character archetype somehow became both a redditor role model AND a tumblr sexyman and it’s like!! nobody is enjoying this stop making this seem cool! him saying timey wimey thing any time he does anything is frustrating and dumb and locks the viewer out of giving a fuck about anything that is happening! smartest man in the room syndrome is a disease and the eleventh doctor is terminal with it. like remember how they established river as an accomplished scientist (when she wasn’t being a child soldier or a time paradox or whatever the fuck) and every time that came up mr doctor eleven man was like “oh this thing is obvious because i’m a genius and you didn’t realise because your brain is tiny so get out of the way and let the grownups think” or that time it turned out amy had been replaced with a slime clone for half the season and the doctor chewed rory (audience surrogate) out for somehow not realising this fact we didn’t know right from the start and like. this served no purpose other than to draw into severe question why the doctor is also this super beloved magical figure implicitly trusted by all children everywhere like. mr steven moffat is totally allergic to writing and solving mysteries in his tv show and fuck you for wanting to figure things out as you go along based on the new evidence you uncover at strategic plot intervals just let this asshole man use magical thinking to reveal he knew the answer all along and you’re a fucking idiot for not also realising this thing which had no basis or precedent anywhere else in the show.

speaking of dumb things let us not forget the absolute shitshow that was minority representation in this era. i’m not even talking about the low hanging fruit of how genuinely unironically sexist amy and clara were written where each episode moffat either seemed to loathe them or was incredibly horny over them and they had no character growth or arc or fucking anything. i’m talking about how fucking shit terrible the incidental representation was. god remember how every single fucking gay person who appeared in this era was written as one incredibly fucking stupid joke and how the women were all either sexy dominatrix, feeble girl in love, or Mother (or all three in some really terrible cases) and i’m not qualified to talk about this but also how incredibly white this era was and how on two separate occasions we had monarchs reimagined as sexy girlbosses with a gun played by black women who the doctor leched over. nothing about any of this was good ESPECIALLY coming off the back of rtd who was surprisingly forward thinking for 2005 and did a really good job of positing travel with the doctor as queer allegory. in comparison moffat gave us THE MOST heterosexual shlock i’ve ever had to endure. amy and rory could have been interesting characters were they not hemmed into this domestic bickering young straight married couple bullshit that was in no way changed or altered by traveling with the doctor except for the quasi incestuous river song reveal that was dumb and bad and stupid.

the last major mega gripe i have with the series is moffat’s fucking jingoistic boner for british military aesthetics. this carried over throughout his entire tenure as showrunner but was super terrible vomit inducing in eleven’s era. the unironic admiration for ww2 britain and winston churchill is downright wretched. are you incapable of telling a second world war story outside of churchill’s london and plucky blitz fighters. shit gives me hives so badly. and then!!! that weird church owned army that features in the future that end up being bad not for the concept of what basically amounts to an imperialistic intergalactic rendition of the fucking crusades but because they’re part of the nonsense go nowhere puzzlebox narrative that says the doctor is a not good man who will do bad things to the universe :(. remember how rtd’s doctor was a freshly traumatised man hot off the war criminal press who time and time again vehemently refuses to engage in military violence, but who tragically inadvertently turns every one of his companions into soldiers in his own personal army, and he has this moment of complete horror at the realisation and it is this which causes the downward spiral that ends in 10′s regeneration. and then how there’s this cringe line about how there’s a force of people who are “the doctor’s army, always ready to fight his battles when he’s not around” or some shit and then it turns out this is actually massive literal military operation and we’re meant to celebrate this. fuck off.

bonus round because this needs to be said but i have never hated anything like i hated that fucking human tardis episode. everything about it induced violent anger in me from the sickening overindulgence of that softgoth dark whimsy helena bonham carter tim burton aesthetic to the bafflingly terrible evil carny stereotype of those junk scavengers to the overblown sudden tragic shipbait romance of human tardis and the doctor. every word out of her mouth was trite shit and the fact that the death of her body was presented as this super emotional dramatic scene despite there being no buy in or incentive to care and the fact that every single person on tumblr in 2012 ate that shit up like it was fucking gourmet. i loathe every single thing about that episode so much.

[petri808]

This fic was created for the BKDK Unbirthday Party (Twitter) for prompt #G-0181: (Coffeeshop AU where Izuku accidentally sends katsuki (guest) to hospital after messing up the order submitted by Celestial)

Bakudeku one-shot. Coffee house AU

Ugh! Why’d the coffeehouse have to be so busy today of all days? It was as if the customers knew he’d stayed up late the night before and only managed three hours of sleep. Top it off with co-worker Denki calling out, and that left Izuku Midoriya alone with just one other employee who manned the food offerings.

Izuku wipes the sweat off his brow as he finishes one latte and side-eyes the clock in one swoop. Just one more hour to go until the next shift comes in. ‘Yosh! You can do this Izu! Then die at home curled in bed till the morning.’

He faces the next customer in line, screwing on the bright smile he was known for. “What can I get for you sir?”

Ruby eyes glare back at him. “Large mocha with a double shot of espresso.”

“One mocha double!” Izuku rings up the man’s total and quickly whips up the drink. His body was running on muscle memory at this point having made these drinks so many times before. A mocha was simple enough, chocolate, steamed milk, espresso, done. “Here you go sir.”

“Faster then, usual nerd.” The man grabs his drink and walks away to a nearby table.

‘Never fails,’ Izuku remarks as he moves onto the next customer. The blonde man loved making snide remarks, but he’s never said anything about it because he was also a regular. According to the other coffeehouse employees, blondie only came in when Izuku was working. ‘Probably likes picking on guys like me?’ And today was no different. He sat at a table reading a newspaper with his coffee, staying for thirty minutes or so. Then he repeats the processes the next day.

“Here you go ma’am, one cappuccino.”

Just as Izuku is handing off another drink, a sudden commotion stirs up in the dining area. He looks up to see blondie clutching his throat and surrounding customers panicking. “He can’t breathe!” Someone shouts. More words are thrown. Allergy, nuts, emergency! The baristas eyes blow wide open. Izuku screams at his coworker Uraraka to call for an ambulance and rushes over to the fallen man.

“H-Hold on mister!” Izuku does his best to calm the situation despite the white noise gathering in his eardrums. “Help is coming!”

“H-Haz—el... hazel—nut...” blondie gasps out. “Allerg...all—gic...”

Oh, fuck! Did he mix hazelnut instead of chocolate into the coffee?! “Oh my god,” the panic sets in. “Oh my god, I-I didn’t mean to! Please hold on sir!” If his stupid mistake kills this man, he’ll never forgive himself.

“F-Fucking nerd...”

Tears exploded from Izuku’s eyes, but all he could do was apologize over and over again as the man gasped and struggled to breathe. The blondes lips were taking on a bluish-purple color, hives breaking out along his skin, and his eyes rolling back.

“N-No, no stay awake sir! Stay awake!” He continues to shake the man by the shoulders as sirens resonate outside. Everything was a blur, just him and the customer with hushed conversations of concern all around them. “Please don’t die mister!”

Once the medics rush into the room, Izuku steps back to give them space. He knew procedures during an emergency was to clear the restaurant of customers and secure the cash register, but he couldn’t think straight. All he could do was watch helplessly as they load the man onto a gurney and whisk him away. Luckily, Uraraka had already taken control, phoned the manager, and set about following protocols.

After everything is secure, she tells him to go. “I’ll wait for the manager, so you go check on the customer and keep us informed.”

Like a mindless zombie, he manages a nod, clocks out, and sheds his apron.

“Hey, try not to be too hard on yourself. It was an honest mistake.”

“That might have killed a man.” More moisture pools in Izuku’s eyes. “I like him too... why’d it have to be him?”

Uraraka’s eyes soften. “Izu, just get going, okay?”

“O-Okay.”

The cab ride over to the hospital felt like a death march to meet his fate. All the life was sucked away, the scenery a kaleidoscope of muted colors as his mind raced through each moment of that afternoon. It was all his fault. Staying up late, being tired, rushing, rushing, rushing to keep up with the demands of a barista. Multi-tasking was supposed to be his forte, his pride in always getting the orders right and made quickly. But this time he’d screwed up in the worst way possible.

At the emergency room, the intake person waves him off to the side to wait. The doctors were still working to stabilize blondie, so all he could do was sit there and hope the man came out of the allergic shock. It was a nerve wracking wait that Izuku spent fighting against every horrible outcome. Can you go to jail for something like this? If the man dies, is that manslaughter?! Oh, who was he kidding. He deserved to be punished. Minimally his boss should fire him for being reckless. ‘Please don’t die...’

“Sir, you can go in now. He’s in room 14.” Technically, since he wasn’t family or even a friend, the hospital shouldn’t have let him visit. But because they had no other contacts for the man, and Izuku was clearly upset and shaken over the incident, they must have taken pity on him. Blondie was alive and unconscious. The medications were flushing his body of the toxins and countering the allergic reaction, but he would probably have to stay in the hospital overnight for observations.

When Izuku enters the small room, he sees the man tucked tightly under a blanket. His eyes are closed and IV lines trail to a machine that’s monitoring vital signs. The tears pool again at the horrible sight. Beeps from the machine echo in the silent room as constant reminders of the gravity of the situation.

“Mister...” he sits beside the man’s bed and takes a limp hand in his own. “I’m so sorry.” His head hangs down, “please wake up.”

A whole year had gone by since the first-time blondie had started frequenting the coffeehouse. The man always tipped and always made some kind of comment. Rarely any nice ones, but he’d grown used to it and over time, Izuku wasn’t sure when it’d started, but there came a point in time that he waited and looked forward to each visit.

It wasn’t uncommon to have cute customers come in that the baristas ogled over. Dating customers wasn’t forbidden, just frowned upon because they didn’t want drama to arise. So, Izuku kept his growing crush under wraps. Not that he felt he’d had a chance anyway. Mister blondie looked like a power player. Tall, trim, fit nicely in a tailored suit, while he was just a small, geeky guy with messy green hair and a face full of freckles. He didn’t even know if the man was gay. Oh, his co-workers thought he was. They were convinced his routine coffee trips were too conveniently made during Izuku’s shift alone.

All the tears and turmoil took its toll on the exhausted barista. The four hours of sleep catching up with Izuku before he even knows it. Hours pass by as fitful dreams torture him. Flashbacks of the coffeehouse, of happy times with his co-workers. There he is Izu, your knight in shining business suit! He turns around only to find a red-eyed dragon glaring down at him. A loud roar, screams echoing around them. Panic, fear sweeping through as customers and employees scramble away. The dragon roars, loud, reverberating chills to his core. Izuku’s scream catches in his throat as the beast picks him up with a clawed hand. It’s punishment time nerd!

“But I didn’t mean it!” Izuku whimpers, “please forgive me! I’d never want to hurt you!”

“Oi, if you’re gonna be noisy go away nerd.”

Awaken by the voice and a squeeze of his hand, the groggy barista raises his head off the bed. “M-mister?” The dream fades away to be replaced by a hospital room and redeyes narrowed at him. “Mister you’re back!” Moisture fills Izuku’s eyes. “I’m so glad you’re back!”

“Yeah, yeah, didn’t know you were trying to get rid of me so badly.”

“What?! I-I didn’t— it was an accident mister, I swear!”

“Stop calling me mister. I got a name nerd, use it.”

“M-Mister Bakugou. Please forgive me. I didn’t mean for this to happen to you. I-It’s all my fault but you’re one of our best customers and we wouldn’t want to lose you. I’ll resign if it makes you feel better, just please do not punish the cafe.”

“Tch, if you leave, I won’t go back cause you’re the only reason I go there.”

“Huh? But why?”

“I changed my mind, you're not a nerd, you’re an idiot. Nerds are smart and you are completely clueless.” Bakugou groans and closes his eyes. “Or I’m the idiot for liking you. Either way, it was just an allergic reaction so don’t worry too m...” he feels the hand slip from his and quickly opens his eyes expecting to see the man leaving. “Midoriya?” But instead he sees one leg still on the chair and the rest of Izuku’s body collapsed on the ground. “Yup, I’m the idiot.”

Bakugou gets off his bed and despite being a little tired from the treatment, manages to pull the smaller male off the floor, rolling him onto the bed. He then slides back on and pulls him close, so he doesn’t fall off. These hospital beds weren’t built for two people, but he made it work. ‘This little mouse fits perfectly in my arms.’

He didn’t like admitting it, but that’s what attracted him to Izuku in the first place. Seeing Izuku’s bubbly personality at the coffeehouse. Always bright and cheerful despite his grumpy comments. The fact the man was hard working was a plus. And yes, because he was small and adorable.

As the heir and VP to a family corporation, Bakugou had to be tough and serious, but what he saw in Izuku was a chance for the opposite at least in his personal life. Frankly, the man reminded him of his father. His mom was clearly the one in control, but because his father was her balance who kept the woman grounded. Bakugou wanted that too. So far, his search had turned up nothing until the day he walked into the Plus Ultra Coffee & Tea.

“Am dreaming? Like...” Izuku mumbles. “Yes,” he curls his body in to hide his blushing face. “You, too.”

‘Does this guy always mumble in his sleep?’ Bakugou shakes Izuku gently. “Time to wake up mouse. We can’t stay in the emergency room forever.”

Izuku pops up. Emergency room?! His eyes flare wide. “W-Why?! Oh no, did I fall asleep?!” He looks around. ‘Why am I in the bed?!’ “Mister Bakugou! S-Sorry!” He scrambles off, “I’m so sorry!”

“Don’t be, I put you there nerd. Now come on,” Bakugou holds out a hand, “I’ll take you home.”

[missmonsters2]

The Color of You || Part IX

PAIRING: Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader/OFC

Summary: It was another mission Natasha was assigned to. Nothing she hasn’t done before. Same mission, different people. Sent undercover to investigate William Cain, suspect to funding terrorism and smuggling weaponry. Under the disguise of Natanya Rovinski, Natasha is ready for another routine mission. Until she met you, William’s fiancé.

Warnings: There are dark elements to this series. Also, smut later on.

NOTE: Haha...yes I have made it back from death. Just one more chapter and this series will be done. Very sads. Also next chapter will have smut. Lemme know if you want to be on my taglist for this series, any natasha stories I do, Wanda stories, or everything.

PART I || PART II || PART III || PART IV || PART V || PART VI || PART VII || PART VIII 

PART IX of X

Count: 2873

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Your heart is palpitating with the wind whipping around you as Steve revs his motorcycle, going 90 miles per hour. 

You try to hold onto Steve tighter, feeling like if you don’t, you’ll end up flying right off the backseat. It’s supposed to distract you. The wind, the noise, the cold, even the pain is supposed to take your mind away from the fact that if you’re too late, then Natasha might die.

Your mind tries to rationalize with you because she’s Black Widow, and she’ll have different things up her sleeves. 

But what could she do?

So you focused on Tony Stark and Bruce Banner. You know that the Iron Man suit should be airtight. The poison can’t get through, but in your vision, you saw on the screen that he had his mask off as he worked on the computers. 

Even if you can get Steve to tell Tony to keep his mask on, what about Bruce?

Bruce would die if he inhaled any of that poison.

You’re formulating plans quickly inside your head. Possibility after possibility, wishing that you knew how to control your gift more because, at this point, this was just hoping for the best outcome.

“Hey, Steve?” You shout loudly through your helmet, licking your lips when Steve turns his head around briefly to show you he heard you.

“Can you get in touch with Natasha?” 

Steve releases one hand off the handle as he touches his earpiece. He calls her name a couple times, but then he puts his hand back on the handle.

“I’m not getting anything on her end. She might be out of range, or there might be interference where she is. We’ll know if she’s back,” He yells.

You sigh, hoping this plan works.

Steve slows, coming to a rough stop when you’re in front of your estate again.

Taking off your helmet, Steve helps you off, and you look at him.

“Can Tony hack into camera systems?” You ask, and Steve snorts.

“That would be like taking candy from a baby for him,” Steve tells you and you nod.

“Alright...can you ask him to do this?”

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You had Steve park in the same blind spot area you smuggled Nat into that time you brought her home. 

Waiting until the camera turned, you pulled Steve past, opening the kitchen door.

You immediately start rummaging through the drawers.

"What are you looking for?” Steve asks, and you’re about to answer him before he suddenly bolts into you, pushing you to the ground, a loud gunshot ringing in your ears.

Pain rushes through your arms and legs as you haven’t quite healed yet. You groaned quietly and forced your head up to see what happened.

Steve jumps up, his shield forward to protect you, and the two of you see Evelyn standing there with a gun raised.

“Evelyn,” you breath, and she looks at you, eyes darting to Steve for just a moment.

“You’re a fool to return, miss,” Evelyn grouses, and you raise your brow at her.

“Let me guess, capture? Or kill on sight?” You ask, but Evelyn doesn’t react to it. It already tells you what you need to know because if you’re not useful to him, then there’s no use for you at all.

You nudge Steve at his back because you still need to get to the drawer. He slowly inches up, and you follow. Evelyn follows your movements, but she can’t do much with Steve protecting you. 

You grab what you need from the drawer, and Steve draws his eyes to you without moving his head.

“Go,” he tells you, “I’ll catch up.”

You move, hearing more gunshots fired at you, but they easily bounce off of Steve’s shield. You glance at him, gratefully briefly before running off. Evelyn tries to take off after you, but Steve immediately blocks her way, forcing her back.

Evelyn steels herself with Steve doing that same.

“Captain America, huh. I’m a big fan.”

Steve grins.

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You take off your shoes before running again, more relieved at the lack of sound your shoes were making. 

You open the door to the basement, fingers trembling slightly as you walk down. 

You haven’t been back down here since you were allowed up into the estates. There was no reason for you to go back down, but you needed to.

You needed to because Natasha might die if you didn’t.

Hand dragging along the bricked wall, you counted the bricks as walked until you reached 57.

Pressing the brick in, the door opened, and you looked into the room. You were early, it seemed. No one was in the room, but then you started to hear footsteps, and you quickly made your way in, running until you were behind a pillar, hiding as you slowed your breath.

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Natasha didn’t like the silence.

It was too quiet.

She had broken into William’s estate through a window, and when she jumped down, she realized she was in the basement. 

It was big, seemingly looked like a basement suite. She wasn’t even sure what she was looking for at first, just checking every room until she was in the master bedroom of the basement. 

It would’ve been unnoticeable to anyone, but the bed was just slightly crooked. Probably no more than 3 degrees needed to be straight. 

It was such a plain bed for a master bedroom, but Natasha pushed the bed back in an attempt to make it straight.

Then she heard it.

The floor creaked unnaturally ever so softly.

Natasha moved the bed, staring at the floor door. 

A heavy feeling settled over Natasha. 

Everything in her body told her that she shouldn’t open it because whatever she would find in there would make her sick.

But Natasha opened it anyways.

It was dark peering in, but with some of the light outside, she could make out a staircase to go down. 

Her hands drifted to the wall, dragging against it as she walked down. Her fingers brushed against a light switch when she reached the bottom. When she turned it on, she noticed there wasn’t much space. There was the staircase, and about 5 feet across from it only had another door. There was nothing else. 

Natasha slowly walked forward, staring at the door. When she opened it, it was completely dark, the light hardly making any difference in the room, so she needed to use her own flashlight.

And there was nothing in the room. 

No furniture.

No windows.

Just a concrete floor.

A giant hole in the middle. 

Natasha clenches her jaw because she can’t stop hearing your words in her head.

She walks forward bravely until she’s at the edge, pointing her light down. The sight inside makes Natasha stiff.

It’s deep. 

Roughly around 150 feet and too wide for anyone to try to climb back up.

She can see some food trays at the bottom, a small pillow, and a blanket.

And Natasha knows.

You were kept a prisoner here. 

All alone in the dark until you had a vision of her.

But even then, you were still alone in the dark, replaying the visions of her, praying, hoping, wishing for her until you were allowed out. 

Compromising your morals and ethics, enduring everything for Natasha to come.

It burned.

Natasha’s eyes drift to the side at the bottom, teeth clenching when she sees traces of dried blood.

She grips the gun in her hand a little tighter.

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It’s happening. 

Faster than you can formulate any other plans in your head. 

“You think this is over?” William sneers at Natasha.

“Your plans being ruined and being captured usually means that. So, yes, I do think this is over.” Natasha tells him back, no emotion on her face.

“You know, there’s one thing my miserable father did teach me,” William says with a smirk, pulling out a device and in one hand and a gun in another.

“Take a look at this screen,” William tells her, and she can see it’s Bruce and Tony who’ve made it into his control room, working on canceling his program.

“This button in my hand will release a deadly poison into the air. They’ll die within minutes,” William smiles, and when Natasha makes a move to step forward, he puts his thumb on the button threateningly.

“Ah, ah,” he tuts, “one move, and I’ll kill them.”

You want to yell at Natasha to call his bluff, that it’s fine, but you might be making it worse.

But then he points his gun at her, and you only have a snapshot second to make a decision of what to do. You try to peer around, but Natasha seems to be rooted in place as she’s not willing to risk Tony and Bruce’s life. 

“You should’ve never come here,” he tells her before pulling the trigger–

You jump out from behind the pillar, rushing towards William as you push his chair over, disorienting him as he falls over on his side. The bullet fires, but completely misses Natasha.

Shock and horror enter Natasha’s eyes as she sees you, but you’re too busy trying to wrestle the gun out of his hand. She can’t shoot with you in the way. Despite being knocked over, William manages to keep a tight grip on both the button. You did manage to get his gun, but he uses his elbow, knocking it to your face. The shock and pain make you drop the gun, but further away than any three of you can reach. William uses that moment to grab you, wrapping his arm around your neck as he staggers to stand up.

William groans angrily, his thumb touching his lip as he sees the blood from when you hit his face from trying to get his gun. 

The blood drains from Natasha’s face as it’s become the worst possible scenario for her with him holding you hostage. 

“You actually came back,” William looks at you and sneers, “how foolish.”

You have one hand on his arm to stop him from squeezing harder and one hand straight down, your sleeve covering your arm.

“How idiotic of you,” William berates you. “Let me guess, you saw this happening and just couldn’t help but run to save her.”

His face distorts into disgust. Natasha is watching like a hawk, her gun up and steady.

William looks at her and rolls his eyes.

“Put your gun down, or I will press this button and kill everyone in that room,” he threatens. 

Natasha falters, but you shake your head at her, warranting William to tighten his hold around your neck.

“DROP THE FUCKING GUN,” William screams at Natasha, but she looks at you, and you’re still shaking your head as much as you can. 

‘Trust me,’ you mouth at her as best you can.

So, Natasha doesn’t drop the gun, and William explosively glares at her as he pushes the button. 

Natasha whips her eyes to the screen, but when moments pass and nothing happens, she looks back at him. 

William scares at the screen, confused and angry as he presses the button over and over again, but nothing happens. You can feel his grip loosening.

“What the hell,” he looks at the button but then snaps his head to you.

“What did you do?” He seethes at you, and you merely smile, causing him to tighten his grip around your neck.

“It’s a feedback loop,” you say before you reveal your hand with a fruit knife in it that you hid in your sleeve before stabbing him in his thigh.

William yelps, immediately releasing you as you tumble away, and Natasha immediately uses the opportunity to shoot William in the chest. 

There’s a moment of silence in the room as the bullet pierces him. He looks around at his chest, red seeping through his clothes as he falls onto his knees before his back.

He wasn’t dead, maybe Natasha shot him inches from where it would’ve been an instant death.

But he was certainly dying.

You crawl over to him, looking over his face as he took shaky breaths. He looks up at you.

“It’s over,” you whisper to him. It doesn’t really seem to register to him as he lifts his hand up, trying to touch your face. 

He doesn’t have the strength to make it.

“I...loved you...for...real, you know,” He breathes out shakily, slowly turning paler. 

Tears well up in your eyes as you shake your head.

“No...” You tell him, “you don’t know how to love anything without ruining it.”

William merely stares up at you, mouth open as his trembles before the life fades from his eyes, and he lets out his last breath.

It’s finally over, you think, trying to get up but stumble right into Natasha’s arms as she rushes towards you.

Natasha pats you all over, trying to assess your injuries, but you hold her hand to stop her.

“I’m okay,” you tell her. 

Natasha’s lips tremble, but she doesn’t cry.

“You’re so reckless!” She chokes at you, pulling you into a tight hug. 

“But you’re alive...we’re both alive...” You tell her with a weak smirk, and Natasha rolls her eyes before leaning in to kiss you.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

Tony has the Quinjet ready by the time you come outside with Natasha supporting you with her arm around your waist.

You stand before everyone and can’t help but laugh that everyone’s at least supporting one bruise on their face.

“Ah, my little genius has made it out,” Tony says as he grins at you.

“Your genius?” Natasha scoffs.

“Uh, yes, Nat. Otherwise, both me and puny banner would’ve-” Tony uses his hand to swipe around his neck, gesturing death as he makes a noise to accompany it.

Natasha scrunches her brows together as she recalled what happened.

“What did you do?” Natasha asks as she turns to you.

You grin softly.

“Can Tony hack into camera systems?” You ask, and Steve snorts.

“That would be like taking candy from a baby for him,” Steve tells you.

“Alright...can you ask him to do this? Tell Tony to hack into the camera systems where he is discreetly. He needs to find the camera, which will be somewhere on the wall, and it can move. Ask him to make a feedback loop about a minute long of him and Bruce working to disengage the biotech. Make sure you tell him the feedback has to have it that his helmet his off.”

Steve pursed his lips and nodded, putting his finger to his earpiece before speaking quietly.

“Okay, he’s asking why,” Steve turns to you.

“William is watching them, and he’s going to use the two of them as leverage when Natasha confronts him. The sprinklers in the room are filled with poisonous gas. If they inhale it, they’ll die. After the feedback loop is created, then Tony can keep his Iron Man helmet on if it has a gas filter, but Bruce can’t be in there in case.”

“Did you copy that?” Steve asks into his earpiece.

Steve nods to you, and you sigh.

Natasha merely shakes her head at you, and you know later on you’re going to get a lecture about danger again, but you don’t even care because she’s safe.

She leads you onto the Quinjet, letting you lay on her lap as she brushes your hair delicately during the flight. 

“What now?” Steve asks as he sits across from the two of you. 

Natasha merely shrugs. “I don’t know. A part of me wants to hide her away, where no one can find her. Not SHIELD, not anyone who knows about her gift and will want to use it.”

“You think SHIELD will want that?”

Natasha shrugs again. “She can see the future, Steve. Do you know how incredibly useful that gift is? Without her, this mission would’ve been a bust. This mission might’ve not even existed without her. Sure, she can’t control it now, but maybe with research and practice, she can. But I don’t want to put her through that as if she’s some...some lab rat.”

Natasha looks down at your sleeping face, fingers brushing lightly against your cheek. 

“I just want her to be happy. She deserves to be happy.”

“We’ll find a way,” Steve tells Natasha reassuringly, but his teammate merely half-smiles at him.

The rest of the ride home is quiet as everyone is trying to rest. When the Quinjet lands in SHIELD’s headquarters, Natasha briefly thinks about grabbing you and running off before anyone can see you, but when she feels your hand brush against hers as you wake up, she can only smile as you press a kiss to the corner of her lips. 

The door opens to the ground as Natasha helps you up to walk out. She already sees Fury and Maria standing there to greet everyone. 

They look at you, and Natasha feels tense, but you pat her arm to reassure her.

Maria walks up to you, and before anything can happen, you’re in handcuffs.

Shock appears on the Avenger’s faces as they look at the handcuffs on your wrist.

“What the hell,” Natasha seethes.

PART X

[choices-and-voices]

hi sorry if this has already been asked somewhere but im was wondering if you had any tips on how to get the best experience without having to pay ?

Hi there! Don’t worry, this question hasn’t been asked before, and I am honestly super flattered that you value my opinion enough to ask it ☺️ I’m not sure how helpful my tips will be because I don’t exactly consider myself an expert in this, but here are some things that came to mind! I’ve gone into quite a bit of detail, but if you want a quicker overview, just stick to the bold headings. Also, if any of the people reading this have good tips of their own, please lmk! I’m always learning new things about how to do this too 💕

1. This one’s a bit obvious, but still – take the opportunities that the game gives you to earn free diamonds. That means watching the bonus ads every day (5 diamonds/day), playing through chapters as often as you can (including replaying old books if there are no new releases – 2 diamonds/chapter), and watching ads at the end of book chapters for an extra diamond. Obviously, all this is a bit of a balancing act – you want to be playing Choices often enough to build up your diamonds, but not so often that it takes over your life and makes you feel frustrated, because what’s the point of it if it’s not fun anymore, y’know? So I’ve always been careful not to overdo it. Even if all you do is watch the bonus ads every day, that’s 35 diamonds/week – basically, one big diamond scene a week – which is honestly not too shabby.

2. At any one time, only play 1-2 books that you’re really invested in, and try to supplement that with another 2-3 books that you’re not really invested in or are replaying just for diamonds. As tempting as it can be to rush through every good-looking book in the app all at once, that just leads to a situation where a) you’re trying to divide your free keys between waaay too many releases, and b) there are so many demands on you for diamonds, you never get to consistently spend them on anything. So I personally think it’s best to only read a couple of good books at once, and instead of marathoning them, break them up with chapters from less-good books – this builds up your diamond stash for spending on the good books. Which leads into my next point:

3. Don’t zip through books too fast – even if most of the chapters are already released, spreading them out helps you earn more diamonds for them in the meantime. I’m really lucky to have been playing Choices for so long that almost all the books were presented to me in weekly release format – if I downloaded the app for the first time today, and saw all the fully-released books on there, I feel like I would be way too overwhelmed to play. So I reckon that, even if a book isn’t technically a weekly release for you, make it a weekly release! You might decide to play all the books you’re really invested in on a particular day when you have more free time – say, a Sunday. Then, you have Monday-Saturday every week to earn diamonds for those books, and something to look forward to at the end of it all. As for what you do with those diamonds:

4. Be smart about what you spend diamonds on. There are a couple of different components to this tip – it involves things like a) figuring out which types of purchases are worth diamonds in general, b) figuring out which types of purchases you want to prioritise in certain books, and c) planning ahead before you start playing a book chapter about where you might want to spend diamonds. To address each of those things one-by-one:

a) Figure out which types of purchases are worth diamonds in general. Off the top of my head, there are 6 main types of diamond purchases in Choices: ‘friendly’ scenes with LIs (12-25 diamonds), ‘steamy’ scenes with LIs (25-30 diamonds), scenes with your whole friendship group, collectible items (e.g. the tapestry pieces in Bloodbound, the clues in Veil of Secrets, etc.), outfits, and pets. Your mileage may vary a lot on which of these are most important to you, so take my opinions with a grain of salt. But my general advice would be to i) prioritise group scenes above LI scenes, ii) prioritise ‘friendly’ LI scenes above ‘steamy’ LI scenes, iii) avoid collectibles, and iv) go for outfits and pets only if you really like the look of them. This advice is based on the fact that, firstly, I think you get a better experience of immersion in a book if you know a bit about all the characters around MC, rather than just about one LI; secondly, ‘friendly’ LI scenes tend to tell you more about the LI than ‘steamy’ scenes, which are often 80-90% copied-and-pasted erotica despite being more expensive; thirdly, collectibles are a massive drain on diamond stores, and almost always unlock quite short, generic scenes that it’s easy to find on Tumblr or YouTube; and fourthly, both outfits and pets don’t do much except appear in the story at key moments, which can be a really nice touch but is still only needed in moderation. Of course, there are exceptions to these rules, and you might find that those exceptions are sometimes book-specific. Which leads me to Part B of this point:

b) Figure out which types of purchases you want to prioritise in certain books. It’s all well and good for me to say that group scenes are usually better than LI scenes, but when I’m playing a book with an amazing LI but a pretty meh supporting cast (*cough cough* Myra Dixon carries Baby Bump on her shoulders *cough cough*), I obviously may need to adjust my spending habits slightly. Moreover, by focusing all your diamond spending on just one main thing per book – like Myra’s romance in Baby Bump, or the party’s side-quests in Blades of Light and Shadow, or the posse in Queen B – I think you end up with a much better playing experience, because you feel like you’re seeing at least one facet of the story in-depth instead of getting a patchy surface view of lots of different facets. For the most part, the purchases you prioritise in a book can mostly depend on personal taste, but there are a few books where some background knowledge might be helpful in the decision. Four things that I think are worth flagging are that i) the ‘competition books’ (America’s Most Eligible, Queen B, Hot Couture) do require regular outfit purchases to win, although winning isn’t that much better an experience than being runner-up; ii) Veil of Secrets and Nightbound are two books where it’s worth saving 30-35 diamonds for the final chapter, because your MC is forced to leave the small-town setting if you don’t; iii) Across the Void is a book that frequently invites you to spend diamonds to save characters’ lives, but their death arcs are honestly much better-written and more sensible than their survival arcs; and iv) the It Lives series is the only one where characters can die due to an accumulation of choices you make throughout the story, so maybe it’s worth keeping some diamonds in reserve for that one. Which just leaves us with one more sub-point:

c) Plan ahead before you start playing a book chapter about where you might want to spend diamonds. I want to take this opportunity to thank whichever people in the fandom maintain the Choices wiki, because oh my gosh, they are lifesavers. For the last year or so, my response whenever a new Choices chapter is released has been to wait a few hours, Google ‘[book name] choices’, open the wiki result, and skim through to check how many diamond choices are available & how much they cost. Because all the wiki includes are the possible responses to every choice presented – it doesn’t even state the wording of the choice itself – this is a relatively spoiler-free technique that helps a lot with big picture planning. For example, you might decide not to buy an early group scene because there’s a nicer-sounding LI scene later on, and come to think of it, you should replay a few more chapters of another book first to save up the diamonds for that scene. If you don’t mind encountering just a few more spoilers before you play the chapter, you can also scout out its diamond scenes in more detail by searching the relevant book or character tags on Tumblr, or by looking for a chapter stream on YouTube. You may decide that you don’t need to buy a diamond scene if you’ve already seen it played through by someone else, or alternatively, you may decide whether or not to buy a diamond scene based on how good it looks in an existing playthrough – in either case, these techniques can help you thoughtfully ration out the diamonds you have, instead of being caught off-guard whenever a diamond choice comes up.

5. On the subject of the Choices wiki, it’s also a great way to maximise your success in books without using diamonds. Whenever there’s a ‘right’ option to a choice that gives you a better outcome later in the chapter, that’s indicated in the wiki. So with a bit of pre-reading of the wiki before you play the chapter, and/or with the wiki open on a separate screen as you play, you can get the best outcome without having to buy that outfit or bonus scene that promised you ‘an advantage.’ Obviously, your mileage may vary on whether this method is actually worth it, or whether it takes all the fun out of Choices by ‘cheating’ at the gaming aspect. I personally view Choices as more of an interactive story app than a game I’m trying to beat, so I have no issue with this method, but opinions may differ and that’s okay.

6. If you’re really feeling like a lack of diamonds is limiting your playing experience, it may be best to start out with ‘cheaper’ books until you have more diamonds stored up. In this case, I’m using ‘cheaper’ to mean books where there are fewer diamond scenes, where diamond scenes are less expensive, and/or where diamond scenes don’t play as big a role in the plot. It can be hard to identify which books fit this bill, but as a general rule, it’s more likely to be the earlier-released ones or less-popular ones. Some which I’d recommend are the first few books of the Freshman series, the #LoveHacks series, the High School Story series, the Perfect Match series, Most Wanted, The Heist: Monaco, Wishful Thinking, Bachelorette Party, and The Royal Masquerade.

7. Finally, a really quick tip for making the most out of free keys – keys are used up as soon as you start a book chapter, and refresh ~every 3 hours. This means that, even if you don’t have time to play chapters every 3 hours, you should try to open the app roughly that often and just click to unlock a chapter. When you finally have time to play, you’ll have a whole lot of chapters ready to go plus another two refreshed keys, and you can power through them at whatever speed you need to fit in them into your break time or to earn diamonds for an upcoming release. Once again, this is a tip that may need to be practised in moderation, because you don’t want to be constantly interrupting your life to load up an app on your phone. But even if you just log in and unlock chapters every 6 hours, or every 12 hours, that’s still 2-4 extra chapters ready for you at the end of the day plus your two free keys.

I think that’s about all for my tips! Thanks for reading, and I hope it helped at least a bit ❤️

[janicho88]

In This Together Part 2

Pairing- Dean x Wife Reader

Word count-6317

Summary-Picks up right where part 1 left off.  What’s the readers outcome from surgery, time in the hospital and what happens over the next few months. AU

Warnings- Sick reader, hospital, Little bit of language, A little angst, and fluff, mentions of sex and implied smut, brief talk of loss of pet.

Possible triggers talk of surgeries some are a little descriptive, talk of possible infertility, female problems. 

Part 1

The members of your surgical team that came to wheel you off to surgery could tell you were nervous. They were talking and joking all the way to the operating room.  Once they got you to the room you were moved from the bed to the table, a blood pressure cuff put on and both of your arms stretched out and secured down.  This was so you didn’t move them during surgery. 

The head anesthesiologist was talking through and quizzing one of the younger members on your team.  One of the nurses told you he was still learning. Someone was holding an oxygen mask above your face, they blood pressure cuff started running, and they were talking about putting something in you IV next.  The second medication they put in your IV burned while going in and then your whole hand, you were told it was because of your abused veins.  You guessed that was from so many surgeries and previous IVs. Things got to be a little much for you and you were unable to stop the tears, one nurse saw this and grabbed your hand so you could squeeze it to try and take your mind off the pain in your other hand and your nerves with the impending surgery.  The oxygen that was hovering over your face was now pressed down, you were told to take deep breathes to get the oxygen into your lungs.

Darkness and noise were the two things you registered.  The noises changed into people’s voices and you couldn’t figure out what was going on in this dream.  You just wanted everyone to let you sleep.  The voices kept talking and wouldn’t leave you alone, this went on for a few minutes until you finally remembered you had had surgery. By now you were slowly starting to realize you were in recovery, there was a pain in your lower abdomen, and you were freezing.  It was a  challenge for you to open your eyes, let alone keep them open for more than a few seconds. Someone was trying to tell you their name and that it was okay.  They asked you your pain level, but you were unable to get any words out yet, so you held up 7 fingers. She gave you some medicine to try and bring that down. When you finally could get your mouth to function you kept repeating ‘cold.’ They got you another blanket and you continued to struggle to open your eyes.  You were slowly becoming a little more aware, you wanted Dean, and some ice chips for your extremely dry throat.  ‘Ice’ and ‘Dean’ became your next repeated phrases.   The recovery nurse got a cup of ice chips for you, and by now you were able to sit up a little and keep your eyes open, but they still wouldn’t bring Dean back.

Suddenly, you had tears running down your face you couldn’t stop.  For some reason you always tended to cry when you were waking up from anesthesia.  The nurse kept telling you everything was fine, you wanted to know how fine. Fine as in they were able to leave the uterus, or fine like everything had to come out, but you were doing fine?  You were with it enough to decide to wait and ask Dean because you wanted him with you when you heard. You had to wait a bit longer for them to bring Dean back.  As he finally walked past the curtain, he could see the tears on your face.  He walked to your side took the ice cup from your hand and gave you the best hug he could with all your wires still attached. The nurse stepped away for a minute and left you two alone.

“Hey Sweetheart, how are you doing, why all the tears?”

“Always do… don’t know” you weren’t able to talk in complete sentences yet.

“I know, you can’t help the tears when you wake up.  How are you doing?  You seem a little more out of it than usual.”  This was the fifth surgery you had had that Dean was around for, and you never took this long to get your wits back in recovery.

“Hurts,… what he take?”

Dean started to feed you ice chips as he explained what the doctor did.  “When they opened you up, they found a second fibroid.  The doctor got them both out, he was able to leave the uterus.  He checked the ovary you still have and said that looked good, everything went really well, Sweetheart.”

“Awesome” you said as you let out the breath you had been holding and tried to give Dean another hug. This news calming you down some.

Your nurse came back and asked if the pain had decreased, it hadn’t so they gave you something else.  You told Dean the pain was worse with this than everything they did to your foot. Someone else came and helped disconnect your IV and the other monitors you were attached to.  You asked Dean what time it was to give you an idea of how long surgery was.

“It’s just after 2.”

“Long surgery?” When you mentally timed everything beforehand you figured you would be heading to a room by 2.

“No, surgery went quicker than anticipated, it was only an hour and twenty minutes.  You have been in recovery for over an hour and a half.  You wouldn’t wake up.”

“That why I’m having so much trouble now?”

“Probably, you also didn’t sleep last night, and they must have given you something good to knock you out.”

Dean stood by your side holding your hand and feeding you ice chips until a nurse came to tell him he had to leave.  The thought of Dean leaving and not seeing him, or any other family for three days had drugged you starting to cry again.  He gave you a hug and told you to call him when you went to you room, everything was going to be fine.

A short time later they put a mask on you and took you to your room, which was on the maternity floor. This would be your second time staying on this floor after a surgery. Hopefully, the next time here you and Dean would be welcoming a baby. Your new nurses got you situated in your room and an IV hooked back up.  One went to get you and ice pack and folded up blanket to hold against your stomach. While taking to your nurse Laurie, you realized you had a fat lip and a cut on the inside from where they incubated you.  They said your mask only had to be worn when you went to walk in the halls or if someone was coming in your room.  That was a relief, you weren’t looking forward to wearing it the whole time. When they left you took the bag you had taken out of your duffel which had your phone, tablet, chargers and magazine keep you occupied over the next few days along with a small travel case with Chapstick, lotion, an eyeglass cleaner, cough drops and a few other things you had learned you would need in the hospital and hung it over one of the bed rails within reach.  You knew you weren’t going to be allowed out of bed that day, so you had wanted to make sure anything you would need was easy to get to.  With that all set, you called Dean like he asked you to.  

“Hi Honey, in your room?”

“Yes, all set up. Scooby and I have a great view of the parking garage and traffic light.”

“I can’t believe you took a stuff animal with you, such a goof.”

“Hey now! No one else can be here with me, and Scooby has been with me for every hospital stay.” Scooby was a stuffed Chocolate Lab your dad had gotten you in high school when your real Lab named Scooby died unexpectedly.  Dean knew how upset you had been to lose him but would occasionally tease you about the stuffed animal.

“Fair point, I’m glad you have company and are all settled.  Get some rest, I’ll talk to you later. Love you Y/N.”

“Thank you for everything.  Love you Dean.”

You hung up from Dean and turned on T.V. for a little background noise.  It didn’t take long for your machines to start beeping.  They had compression cuffs on your legs to prevent blood clots, but because of your recent surgery in your right leg today’s surgery team didn’t want it on that leg.  The machine didn’t like that, so it kept shutting itself off and beeping. The IV on your hand was in a slightly odd position and if your hand moved a certain way it shut off and started beeping.  Things were off to a great start!

Your nurse Leslie showed you how to restart the IV when it went off on you.  Both her and Laurie tried various ways to get the compression machine to keep working on just one leg, but it kept shutting off so they just took it off and you would need to move your feet around while in bed.   Someone from respiratory came up and gave you an incentive spirometer, which is a plastic thing you hold and take deep breathes with trying to get the piece inside to whatever number they tell you. It is good to help clear your lungs, but it also had you coughing more. Laurie came in and had you sitting up and dangling your feet over the side, you had started to notice the pain was lower than you thought it would be.  For some reason you had thought the doctor said the incision would be just below your belly button.  You mentioned being surprised at where it hurt to Laurie, and she told you the incision was down over your pelvic area.  If you had really thought about it, you would have known it before. This was when you realized you had a tube connected to your incision that went to little pump. It was a Negative Pressure Wound Therapy System, it was supposed to draw fluid away from the surgery area and promote healing, you just kept calling it a pump or drain.                                    

At one point you made the mistake of lifting both arms above your head to pull your hair into a ponytail. Oh, that hurt, you were going to need to move nice and slow next time you did that.  Everything you moved pulled your stomach, and coughing was awful.  The night nurses had you sitting on the side of the bed again and this time also standing in place, the more you move the easier it’s supposed to get.  Usually the first night after surgery they need your vitals every hour, but you only saw your nurses twice that night, it wasn’t a great night.  You got a little bit of sleep that night waking up at least once an hour till you gave up at five.  Sleeping in hospitals had never been easy for you.  

It was six am when the doctor came in.  He told you surgery, a myomectomy, went well.  There had been a new fibroid, both were taken out and sent for a biopsy. You needed to see him the following week to your pump removed instead of the two-week checkup they had you scheduled for.  He might send you home the next day, but he wouldn’t know till tomorrow.

You had two new day nurses on Tuesday, Courtney and Kim, you remembered Kim from your surgery two years ago when you had been one of her patients.  Both were super sweet and in and out of your room all day. They encouraged you to get up and move around your room, leaving your crutches close to the bed so you could reach them.  Even though you didn’t need them all the time there were times you still did.  You had brought them to help balance you since you would be a little groggy with the pain meds and didn’t need to risk a fall when you were walking.  Late afternoon you started to develop a fever they needed to watch.  Courtney had you walking the halls with her to get you moving more. You talked to Dean, your parents, Jess and Donna throughout the day. Your mom and Dean were both struggling not being able to come up and see or help you.  You looked through your magazine and tried to read fanfiction on your tablet, but you kept beginning to doze off then jerk yourself awake never fulling reaching sleep.  Your nurse Laurie, from the day before was working a different hall today but came in to see how you were doing and tell you goodbye before she left.

Dean called once more before he went to sleep.  “Hey Baby. How is it going tonight?  Same nurses?”

“Hi Honey. Nope, different nurses tonight, they are very nice.  Only been a few hours and I have already seen them more than I saw last nights. Fever is down, back into normal range. Been getting up and moving walked the hall again.  Pretty sore, but I know I will be for awhile.”

“I wish I could be up there with you.  I am so glad tonight is going better for you.  I was half tempted to call up there and complain this morning when you told me what was going on last night.”

“Thanks, I wish you were up here too.  I miss you! It helps that tonight is going better though.  I appreciate that you were going to call, but please don’t.  I know you worry, but that wouldn’t have done anything they were already gone.”

“Will see.  I miss you too, hope you come home tomorrow.  Bed is lonely without you.”

“I know you are hoping for that.  I want to be home with you, but in away being in the hospital is a little easier on me. Like earlier when they were worried about the fever, you know I usually move in my sleep and this bed doesn’t give me the room to.  Although Nurse Dean does an amazing job when he’s on duty.

“Haha, thanks, well nurse Dean is ready to report for duty.  I do my best for my favorite patient.

“Yes, you do! Hey, the nurse is coming in for vitals and with pain meds.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight Baby, I love you.”

“I love you too, I’ll call you on my way to work.   Sleep well Sweetheart”

Lindsey, one of your night nurses took your vitals, gave you your pills and even brought a fresh glass of water. Shortly after she left you decided to try and get some sleep.  It was harder to come by tonight and you gave up by 4:30.  Lindsie your second nurse of the night, yes they had the same name just different spellings, did you vitals again before she left and checked if you needed anything else.

It was just before six before your doctor came in for his rounds.  He said eveything still looked good and he was letting you go this afternoon. Dean called on his drive into work to see how you were doing.

“Morning Sweetheart, how did last night go?”

“It was alright, not much sleep, yours?”

“Lonely, but fine.”

“Sorry, you were lonely, but maybe I can help with that tonight.  I’m free to go this afternoon as soon as I have a ride”

“Awesome! I’ll pick you up as soon as I can get out of the shop, do you want me to pick anything up dinner, pie?”

“No, I’m not eating much it hurts to swallow still, and there is a premade pie in the freezer all ready, you just have to bake it.”

“Seriously, you’re the best Baby!  I just pulled into the shop I’ll talk to you later.”

“Sounds good, have a great day at work. Love you, Dean.”

“Love you too, Y/N. Call you when I’m getting out.”

Courtney was back on duty as your day nurse, she caught up to you while you had gone to walk the halls, finishing the walk with you.  When you went back to your room she informed you, you could shower and get dressed in your own clothes, no more hospital gown! Before she left she showed you how to disconnect the pump from the tubing and tape the tube to your side facing down so water didn’t run in it.  When you got out you had to reconnect it and restart the pump.  You walked the hall a few more times but didn’t do much else beside listen to the television.  Staying awake was proving difficult today.  When it was close to four you grabbed your crutches and started to gather all your things and repack your bag so you would be ready when Dean called.

Dean called you just after four to tell you he finished early and was on his way to “break you out.”  Being tired of sitting you walked out to the nurses station to let Courtney know he was on his way, she had just finished printing your release papers and you both headed back to your room to go over them. You were unable to lift anything more than a gallon of milk for the next six week, the only exercise you could do was walking, going up and down stairs was limited, you had to be careful of the pump and had an appointment the following Tuesday to have it taken out. You took one last look around and made sure you had all your things in your bag, and she went to grab a wheelchair and you were on your way out.  

Another nurse joined your trip down inquiring about the crutches, you told you had had surgery on your foot and ankle a few months prior, you weren’t completely off them yet. She asked what you had done, and like your other nurses had when you explained the surgery, gave you a wide eyed ‘wow’.  Courtney laughed and told her she thought that was everyone’s response.

 Dean had brought your Equinox since it would be easier for you than sitting down in Baby. He took your things from the nurses, and you thanked them for all their help.  Dean helped you in the car after giving you a hug and you were off.

It was a fairly quiet ride home, your throat was still bothering you, you were just happy to be out. When you arrived home, Dean grabbed your bag and helped you in.  It was the first time you had gone up any stairs and was slightly painful.  Once inside you headed to your room to change and then back to the living room to lay on the couch.  Dean helped you get comfortable before changing and joining you. You laid on the couch with your head on Dean’s lap and his feet on the ottoman, he got up later to make a lite dinner and cook his pie, for the most part you two were enjoying having each other close.

Laying in bed that night you had to sleep on your back and Dean was laying as close as he could when a noise got his attention.

“Do you hear something buzzing?  What is that?”

“Me, well the pump buzzes when it’s having trouble and trying to get butter suction. It doesn’t run all the time and you must not have heard it with the T.V. on early.  It also has a light that flashes occasionally, that surprised me the first night in the hospital when I could see a light from under the gown.  I’ve gotten used to it; do you want me to sleep in the other room?  That way I don’t keep you up?”

“Not a chance Sweetheart, bed’s been to empty without you.  No way am I letting you leave.”

“Okay if your sure, goodnight Babe.  Love you.”

“Love you too, Sweetheart.”

You woke up a few times during the night but didn’t get out of bed for two reasons.  One you didn’t want to move, and two, you didn’t want to wake Dean.  As much as you were up you still slept better than the hospital, you had missed Dean and your bed.

Dean had offered to stay home with you Thursday, but you told him you would be fine and sent him off to work. You knew they were still trying to get everything ready for Monday when the store could allow people back in and didn’t want to cause extra work for the others. Jess was still working from home and called and asked if you were up for company. She and Jake came over around noon with a pizza. Little guy was getting so big, he was one month away from his first birthday.  You were unable to pick him up, so Jess set him down next to you on the couch, while she got plates and drinks for you two.  Dean had bought a baby activity walker he saw online, he said it was for Jake when he was over, but you knew he was hoping one day you would have a child to use it.  It was a racecar and so very Dean. Jess got it out of the guest room after you were done eating and put Jake in it to play.  He loved playing with the steering wheel and horn.

While watching him play you and Jess turned on turned on T.V., settling on reruns of Bridezilla. Both of you cringing at the crazy antics and behaviors of the brides and others on the show.  This led you both to talking about your own weddings.  Jess and Sam had been college sweethearts, meeting at Stanford.  Jess was full of energy, but pretty levelheaded, there wasn’t much drama with their wedding planning.  

Dean and you had been high school sweethearts dating since sophomore year, and friends since grade school, you married after college.  You had secretly been planning your wedding since your senior year of high school, but you would never tell Dean that.  The biggest disagreement planning your wedding being what you were leaving the church in.  You wanted to leave with your Bridal party in a limo, or bus, while Dean wanted Baby. When Sam said something to Dean about painting ‘Just Married’ on the back window and tying cans behind her, Dean came up with a compromise pretty quick.  You would rent a party bus to go to the reception with your bridal party and leave the reception in Baby, and no one would touch his precious car.  

Jess headed home with Jake after nap and you read until Dean came home, the two of you spending another quiet evening in.      

When Dean left for work Friday, you were back on the couch.  You spent much of the morning fighting to keep your eyes open.  When Dean came home to check on you during his lunch break, he found you had crawled back in bed.  Jess had told him the day before you kept almost dozing off while she had been over.  You woke up before he went back to work, but you still weren’t fully awake. While sleeping you had missed taking some of your medications, and you were starting to wake up more.  You had looked over you pill bottles and realized that while you had taken these meds before you had never had them prescribed at this high a dose.  You decided to take some generic medication during the day and the prescriptions for before bed so you could sleep.  If the over the counter Tylenol could have handled you pain it may have been a good idea, but it wasn’t strong enough and you were miserable by the time you took your pills before bed.  You figured you would just spread out the time you took them slightly.

 It was a nice early summer weekend, you and Dean enjoyed at home, spending some time both inside and out on your deck.  Both of your parents stopped over to see how you were doing and if you needed anything. Although a big downside to summer surgery, you were unable to enjoy your parents pool for the next 6 weeks.  

Tuesday Dean left work early to take you to your appointment, you weren’t allowed to drive for another week.  The doctor told you everything looked good, he took out your pump. Not going to lie, you were so glad to see it go between the buzzing and the tubing that would get tangled up.  The stitches were inside, and they would dissolve so you didn’t have to come back to have those taken out.  Since it was summer and so hot out, he wanted you to keep guaze on the incision to keep any sweat from seeping in and causing an infection.  The biopsy of the fibroids came back and they were both cancer free!  For now, he was leaving you on the birth control. You still had your lifting, and stair restrictions, also no sex for 5 weeks.  You saw Dean’s face over the doctor’s shoulder, it was utter disbelief.  As soon as the two of you got in the car Dean voiced his displeasure.

“Five weeks, isn’t that a little excessive?  He said a horizontal incision wouldn’t be as bad as a vertical.  Your surgery earlier this year we only had to wait a few weeks.”

“One, my last surgery was on my foot and ankle, completely different areas.  Yes, the vertical incision has a higher chance of bursting open, but it’s still fairly big cut on my stomach that needs to heal. Oh! and in case you forgot, they also cut my uterus!”

“I know that I”

“Dean, I can’t cough, laugh or blow my noise without pain right now.  Sex, with your not so little Dean, isn’t going to go well.  I’m so sorry my recovery is inconveniencing you.”

“Sweetheart, no that’s”

“Please, just drop it. I don’t want to talk right now.”  The rest of your car ride home was silent.

When you got home you went to your room and left Dean on his own.  He found you laying on your bed with tears on your face when he went to check on you. 

Gif by homeofthenutty

“I’m sorry, I hadn’t really thought about not having sex, and then the doctor said that I was a little surprised.  I had meant to tease, but it didn’t come out that way.  All I had really thought about regarding the surgery was the surgery itself and what could happen.  I wasn’t trying to force you to do anything you aren’t ready for, or that’s going to hurt you.  You could never be an inconvenience.  I was surprised and I didn’t think about what came out of my mouth. I’m sorry I was an ass.”        

“I feel like I’ve been a burden on you, and you have to keep sacrificing for me.  Today was just one more thing you found out you had to give up for me because of these surgeries.  I feel like I have been asking so much of you with all my problems. There is a good chance the fibroids will come back.  We know it might be harder for me to conceive because of the other surgery.   I knew I was going to start crying and I didn’t want to, which is why I didn’t want to keep talking in the car.”

Dean laid down next to you pulling you back in his arms as best he could. “You have never been and will never be a burden to me.  We are in this together.  I want you to understand that right now.  None of the things that have happened to you were in your control.  You were born with high arches, not your fault.  Those foot surgeries weren’t for the fun of it.  You didn’t ask for the cyst to turn into a mass on your ovary, or those fibroids to grow.  There was nothing you could do to prevent any of this.  I’m not worried about us not being able to have sex right now. Hey, you made me wait two years after we started dating.  I can wait a few weeks to have some fun in the sheets.  Right now, I just want my girl healthy.  Until then I am happy to hold you just like this.   As for a baby, one thing at a time, we can always look into adoption.  As long as I have you, I’m happy.”

“These last few months I haven’t been able to do a lot on my own and you have had to take on more work around the house.  I couldn’t drive and you had to drive me ev”

“Stop right there. I like driving, that’s no problem. Whatever you need I’m here for. Just like I know you are there for me. For better or worse, we are in this together.  Remember in college I broke my wrist in that Championship game for football senior year? You were typing both of our assignments for a month because it was in a sling and cast and I couldn’t.  They wouldn’t let me drive for a few weeks either.  You drove, ran the errands, kept the apartment clean.  We support each other always.”

“That was one month this is almost five.”

“Time doesn’t matter.  In this together, always.  Okay?   Honey, I never want you to feel like you can’t cry in front of me, that was never a problem before.”

“I know, it wasn’t that, it was more it was going to hurt, and I didn’t want to.”

Dean tried to hide a chuckle, “That’s understandable right now too.”  

“I’m also fairly certain my period is starting so..”

“So, that always makes you a little crazier,” Dean leaned over and kissed your forehead. “I love you, I’m sorry I’m an insensitive ass.”

“I love you too, I’m sorry I’m crazy and blow things out of proportion.” You turned your head toward Dean for a kiss.

Sure enough you were absolutely miserable the next day.  When the pump was removed so were the coverings on your incision, it had gauze over it, but it still kept rubbing uncomfortably.  The therapy from the pump had also been easing the pain some when it was pulling everything together.  Throw cramps on top of the pain you still had from surgery and as of today only taking over the counter pain meds instead of prescription, it was a rough day.    

That weekend Dean walked into your room where you were folding laundry.

“Hey, what would you like to do Thursday.”

“I don’t know, what’s Thursday?”

“Um… your birthday?”

“Oh, I guess I forgot we were this far in June already.  I really don’t care. We can have dinner here and pick up something, that work for you?”

“Your day, whatever you want, Sweetheart.”

Thursday came around and Dean woke you with a kiss before he left for work.  You enjoyed a lazy morning, Donna and Jess came over around lunch time.  They brought lunch and you three headed out to lounge in the sun. Jess headed out a few hours later to pick up Jake from Mary, and get ready to come back with Sam. Donna left shortly after needing to go pick up Jody’s daughter Alex.  Dean came home from work early bringing you flowers and having picked up a cake.  You like to bake, but store-bought cakes were still your favorite.  Both of your parents, Sam with his family, and your brother came for dinner.  Dean ordered pizza and bread, which your parents picked up and he bought things to make a salad.  This way there wasn’t much clean up which is what you wanted.  You all spent the evening enjoying each other’s company talking and laughing.  When the house cleared out, Dean and you watched a movie before heading to bed.

The following week was your first time going to work since you had your foot surgery in February. To be honest you were a little nervous about being back, even though you grew up in this business.  It was going to be your first time running this location. Both of your doctors had you limited on what you could do.  Three days being the most you could be in there and not back to back the hours you were allowed to be there in a day only between 4-5.  You still couldn’t lift more than a gallon of milk for another month. With everything going on with Covid, this was the third week restaurants could be open for dine-in, and new regulations were in place.   Things were going to be different for a while, and who knew what the new normal would be.

You drove yourself to your next doctors’ appointment four weeks after your last one.  He was pleased with how it was healing.  You doctor knew kids were something you and Dean wanted.  He was keeping you on birth control till October to give the uterus time to heal. After a myomectomy, most doctors would say to wait 3-6 months before trying to conceive, this would put you four months out.  Your restrictions other than how much you could lift were rescinded.  The weight limit you could carry was now at twenty pounds for a few more weeks before you didn’t have one at all.  He would see you back end of September.

Summer went fast for both of you.  The two of you had spent time at your parent’s pool, gone to the lake with Sam, Jess, and Jake, Dean’s parents often coming. It was mid-July before you could actually get in and enjoy the water.  The two of you had a few weekend bonfires at your house with friends and family coming to hang out.  Fourth of July weekend Cas brought some fireworks, oh were you were thankful your neighbors’ houses weren’t too close.  He went to throw what he thought was just paper from the box in the fire pit. Cas had picked up an unopen box of firecrackers from the case and threw it in the fire with the garbage, that had everyone running back from the pit. Thankfully, no damage done, but you were sure Dean and Benny weren’t going to let him forget it.  

Gif by bringmesomepie56

Jess, Donna, her sister Jody and you, had spent a girls’ day at an outlet mall an hour away, trying to take advantage of the summer sales. Jake had his first birthday.  Dean had tried to get Jess to do a clown theme party, but she wouldn’t do that to Sam. Instead going with a jungle theme.  The boy didn’t just grab for his mini cake Jess got him; he smashed his whole face in it!  Dean made you promise when you had a kid that he could hire a clown at least once, and not tell Sam it was coming, brothers.

September was here before you knew it.  You were back to working 5 or 6 days a week, Dean doing the same.  Both of you were home by 7 most evenings and spent most of them together either just the two of you or with your friends. You two tried to match up at least one day off a week to spend just the two of you.  

October was growing closer and you and Dean needed to talk. You could either continue on the birth control longer or go off next month and see what happened.  You would run a chance of a fibroid coming back either way.  Nothing said one would come back quick or get big enough to cause you problems again though. You were praying it would be awhile, if ever before that happened.  

It was one of the last Saturdays in September, you and Dean were enjoying a bonfire just the two of you in your back yard.  Both sitting on the swing, you curled into his side.

“I’ve got that appointment this week,” you reminded Dean

“We haven’t talked about it in a while, what are your thoughts?  Are you leaning a certain way?”

“I know what I’m thinking, but honestly I’d like to hear what’s on your mind first.”

Dean was quiet for a minute before answering “Honestly, I always thought we would have a couple of kids, part of me thought we would have already had at least one by now.  If your ready now, I say let’s try, Y/N.”

“I always thought we would have had one or two by now, too.  If you were ready, I was leaning toward telling him I want to go off birth control.  Not so much trying though, as seeing what happens.  We tried before, and when the tests were negative or my period started, both of us were frustrated.  I want kids with you, but know I have to be realistic, and as much as I don’t want to think about, it may not happen.”  

Dean stood up and was walking around the fire pit, instead of working the flames to keep the fire going, he let it continue to fade. He walked back to stand in front of you before speaking again.  “Valid points Mrs. Winchester.  How about we will see what happens but not, not try either, just more relaxed than last time.  No tracking ovulation,   No matter the outcome, we are in it together.”  Dean grabbed your hand and pulled you out of the swing, then suddenly picked you up and tossed you over his shoulder heading for the house.  “On that note, I think we should practice not trying, Sweetheart.”

 Part 3

[hiirunakaarchive]

– to act in haste (3)

↳ Facts could never be disputed, but natural and insensible phenomenons like fate were fickle and ever-changing. Ethan hoped that maybe the outcome of this god-awful situation he was in right now could be fickle and ever-changing too.

↳  (pt 1), (pt 2), (pt 4)

◇ pairing: ethan ramsey x mc (haruna sakurai)

◇ genre: like 99.9% angst, 0.1% comedy (?) i hope that part of the story was funny man idk

◇ word count: 4.6k+

◇ tags: @aworldoffandoms, @perriewinklenerdie, @jooous​, @senseofduties​, @moteestro​, @anything-but-reality​

◇ author’s note: hey friends, i hope yall are staying safe and indoors during these strange times! classes have been moved online, so i’ve been writing and lo and behold –– part three to my series (which i finished a lot sooner that i expected :o) ! i was honestly writing this thinking it’d be the finale but the 10k word count was telling me smth else, so a FOURTH part is gonna be posted and THAT is gonna be the last one! also not to toot my own horn but i really, honestly, TRULY believe this third part is the best ive ever written, and i hope you guys like it as much as i do! like always, feedback is super appreciated and i’d be more than happy to add anyone to the tags! happy reading!

–

Dr. Ramsey was almost never wrong.

Almost.

And he hung on to that almost with a vice-like grip, that one in a million possibility that maybe this time, he could be wrong, and God, he had never wanted to be wrong so badly. But anyone with half a brain could put two and two together and figure out why his spiteful ex-lover stood in his office long after her shift had ended; white coat folded neatly and hugged against her chest with a sealed envelope at hand. Yet, despite knowing fully well what that letter being slid across his desk meant, he dared to challenge the inevitable truth. To let himself hope—

I could be wrong.

He took it in his hands carefully, and tore the envelope open.

Let it be wrong. Let it be wrong, let it be wrong, let it be-

”You’re resigning.”

He read it slowly and steadily, gathering himself with one long breath and the last sliver of calm he could find.

Over the course of the year, Haruna Sakurai had become some sort of a celebrity in Boston’s exclusive world of health care professionals, dubbed the perfect model to emulate in all aspects of being a doctor. She was as kind as she was intelligent, but unflinching in her righteous principles and a terrifying force to be reckoned with.

She was Edenbrook’s most valuable asset, yet the letter of resignation laying open on Ethan’s desk seemed to taunt him in ways that delved beyond a professional context. He regarded it hollowly, absorbing the great loss her departure would serve to the hospital, but also let his mind pathetically wander to the thought of where her resignation would leave the both of them.

It was silly and stupid, because they weren’t even romantically involved anymore. That tranquil period where they sat across from each other in comfortable silence, danced in his kitchen until they realized breakfast was burned, talked and laughed until they couldn’t breathe – it was such a distant memory that Ethan was convinced that it was nothing but a dream. 

It didn’t matter because she was slipping from him anyway.

“Losing you would be quite a blow to the hospital, Dr. Sakurai. Is there anything that would make you reconsider?” He had to be impartial. 

Convince her to stay. For the hospital, not for yourself, you selfish prick. No more of this lovesick nonsense.

He couldn’t tear his eyes away from her, and it was deplorable. The year Haruna spent on the fellowship had changed her. She stood taller, spoke louder, smiled wider, and Ethan convinced himself that losing her was a trivial price to pay for the success she so deserved. 

Haruna had grit her teeth and accepted his twisted gift, abandoning that whirlwind romance they had, and as compensation, acquired invaluable knowledge that no one could pry from her cold dead hands. She had so clearly moved on, thus, there was nothing left to do but for Ethan to make peace with it and follow suit. 

“I’m sorry, but my mind is set. It’s a...career move.”

Yet why did he still insist on making her stay?

“A career move? Dr. Sakurai, you do know that you’re employed at one of the best hospitals in the United States.” He pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose, and she rolled her eyes at his statement of the obvious.

“Of course I do, but our partnership with Panacea Labs has them trampling on every standard and principle that made Edenbrook one of the best in the first place.”

“I hate saying this as much as you hate hearing it, but that’s not something we can change.” Ethan sighed as he rubbed his temples. 

“I know, so I’m leaving before it disappoints me further.”

“Life in and of itself is a disappointment, Dr. Sakurai.” he argued. “We-“

“I’m going back to Japan.” She blurted.

Haruna bit her lip, bringing a hand to her face like it was a secret she meant to keep and just as suddenly as she said it, Ethan’s world stopped all at once. The clock that hung just above the entrance to his office stopped ticking. He saw Haruna’s lips moving as she continued to speak, but couldn’t hear a thing. Every joint in his body seemed to have froze and gone numb. Dead silence enveloped Dr. Ramsey to the deepest part of him that it could dig.

Dr. Sakurai’s confession rang in his ears like a siren, and Ethan wanted nothing more than to make it stop. The loss of what they had stung him to the point that he almost clutched at the imaginary ache of his chest, but despite that, he carried on. Seeing Haruna was never easy, but the dull sting at the sight of her served as a very real reminder that she wasn’t just a dream. That there once existed a period where Ethan loved a woman so much that he was no longer himself. She was real and tangible, and as long as she remained so, Ethan fooled himself into thinking he had a chance and the luxury of time in fixing what seemed to be irreparable.

You can’t fix this anymore. 

That cruel realization slapped him back to reality.

“-y parents are encouraging me to come home and work in their hospital. I’m hoping that it can offer me new and invaluable insight– Dr. Ramsey are you listening?”

Ethan lifted his gaze from the envelope on his desk and met her eyes. He stood from his office chair and planted his hands on the surface of the table, leaning forward.

“I’m listening. And what insight, pray tell, can the Sakurai Medical Centre give you that Edenbrook can’t?”

The tone of his voice adopted a subtle bitterness to which Haruna raised a brow. She uncrossed her arms, imitating Ethan’s pose and setting one hand parallel to his on top of his desk.

“It’s a new experience.” She responded impatiently, “A more challenging setting.”

“In the hospital that your parents own? How could that setting ever challenge you the same way we do here?” He continued to prod.

“In ways you couldn’t possibly hope to understand. Are we done here?”

“Not until you tell me the real reason why you’re resigning, Dr. Sakurai. You’ve made a name for yourself in this city, you’ve accomplished what thousands of doctors wished they could at your age. How could you leave that all behind?”

Here they were again, arguing, God, they were always arguing. Both of them were far too proud and far too stubborn to swallow their pride and back down. The only thing that seemed like a capable reminder to keep things civil was the mahogany desk that kept them mere inches apart. 

She placed a hand on her hip and leaned closer across the table.

“I think you’re taking things too personally, Dr. Ramsey.” Haruna accused.

She was close. Too close, and Ethan swallowed hard and realized he could never win against her.

He looked away, in denial. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Haruna scoffed.

“Really? Then look at me and tell me that I got this far so early into my career because of my own hard work. Tell me that every doctor in Boston would know my name even if you didn’t use your position to land me that spot on the diagnostics team even though I was in fourth place. Face it, Dr. Ramsey, you don’t want me to leave because it means that everything you did was for nothing.” She spat.

Ethan threw his hands up in aggravation. “Sakurai, this isn’t about me, god damn it! This is about you compromising a perfect career that–”

“You don’t know what it’s like!” She yelled, her voice resonating across the room. 

The sudden raise in volume took Ethan by surprise, and he bit back a response as Haruna scowled in an attempt to calm herself.

“You have no idea what it’s like...walking into that room everyday with doctors like you, June and Baz, and knowing that I’m not even supposed to be there. I come in here and see you and am just reminded that every bit of success I have now is because you loved me. Too damn much, if you ask me.” 

“You want to know the worst part of it all?” She laughed despite herself. “Acting like I didn’t enjoy every minute of that fellowship, when the truth is that I relished in it. I spent this entire year resenting you yet basking in all this knowledge and these opportunities that you gave me. Then I’d come in the next day and hate you a little less than I did the day before. One day, I woke up and realized that I probably never even hated you at all. If anything, I was...grateful.” She cringed as she said it, then looked at Ethan with contempt.

For the first time in a long time, it wasn’t directed at him, but at herself.

“Do you get it? I can’t keep working here, because the mere sight of you is proof that I’m just as greedy and self-serving as bastards like Declan Nash, and I’d sooner die than become a doctor so disgusting. If I can’t bring myself to hate you, then...” She trailed off and looked away, taking a deep breath to steady herself.

The revelation was all too much for Ethan to process, and his mind was riddled with questions. For over a year, he’d wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares of how she regarded him with immeasurable animosity. Was she trying to tell him that, that too, was a facade? A tense muscle in Dr. Ramsey’s jaw relaxed as he asked her quietly,

“Are you running from me, Haruna?”

“If I am?”

They looked at each other in a moment that seemed to end all too quickly, and the weight and meaning of what she said dawned on the both of them. Her eyes widened at the proclamation she mistakenly let slip and Dr. Sakurai snatched her letter of resignation from Ethan’s desk, starting towards the door.

“Never mind. Forget it.”

For a moment, he considered listening to her. To let her go like he’d always done. Every time they spoke, she always ended up leaving anyway. Ethan persuaded himself into believing that she was better off without him, but–

You are never going to have another chance after this.

And he realized, that the moment he let her leave that room, everything would really be over. He’d have to live with the regret of never having taken that final opportunity to mend what they’d both thought was unmendable, or at least try to. Would she have also wished that he’d tried to stop her?

“Wait...I said wait!”

Ethan bolted towards the exit, and Haruna froze in her tracks as he slammed the door back shut as she was about to leave. Her back was to him and his arm remained situated on the wooden surface, inches from her head.

“I need to know, Dr. Sakurai,” He breathed,

“Do I still mean something to you?”

Ethan heard her sharp intake of breath, taken aback by his sudden inquiry. Cautiously, Haruna turned to face him and that calm air of hers that always seemed so natural now looked like nothing but a brittle front to hold herself together.

“You do.” She admitted.

“I still love you, Dr. Ramsey. So much. I’ve loved you all this time but I-“

Her breathed hitched, and like a dam, she, and that distant and unbothered facade she was so adamant on maintaining, collapsed. Her cheeks were wet with tears and Ethan’s face fell as Haruna buried her face into her hands. He willed himself not to hold her.

She wouldn’t want you touching her. You don’t have the right. You don’t-

But against his better judgement he took her in his arms, and the solace he felt with the familiarity of this woman’s warmth, who seemed so small trapped against his chest, overwhelmed him with emotion. It had been so long since he last touched her, and both Ethan and Haruna knew that it may very well be the last. So he held her. He held her the way he wished he could have in the year that they didn’t speak. The way he should have held her from the start. And she let him.

He wasn’t sure if he could ever embrace anyone else the same way ever again.

“God, Ethan, where did we go wrong?” She sobbed.

He rested his chin gently on her head and didn’t respond, because he knew that nothing he could say in this predicament that they were in– no, that they’ve been in, would console her. Dr. Sakurai’s shoulders shook uncontrollably as she cried, and Ethan felt her go slack against him, holding her tighter as he lowered the both of them gently to the floor. 

***

She was in his arms for the next hour. Sixty minutes of pure silence, apart from her weeping, and Ethan could do nothing but comfort the woman. He looked up at the ceiling as Haruna sniffled, and couldn’t remember the last time she had let herself be so vulnerable in front of him.

“We can’t be together like this.” She finally spoke, her voice raspy from the crying.

“I-” Dr. Ramsey began, ready to argue. He knew better though, and sighed as he leaned his head back against the wall. “I know.”

“Good. So you know that you have to let me leave, then.”

He stayed silent in an attempt to avoid the question. Of course he knew that, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. If he did, he’d be acknowledging that this was for the best; and more often than not, the right decision wasn’t always the easiest.

“Haruna, I...” He started in protest, but paused as he felt Dr. Sakurai’s hand slide up to rest on his cheek.

He looked down at her, and wondered if he was being too transparent. If she could see how broken he was at realizing the choice they both had to make. She sat up a little straighter, still in Ethan’s arms and rested her forehead against his. Then she asked him quietly. Pleadingly.

“Please, Ethan.”

How could he ever say no to her?

So he responded wordlessly, tilting his head and bringing his lips to hers. Haruna met him halfway, and a year and a half of fierce self-restraint and inexplicable pining for the feel of each other erupted all at once. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him closer by the nape of his neck. Ethan cupped her face in his hands as he kissed her, softly at first, but every second that passed with her mouth on his summoned a tide of longing that he forced himself to keep latent all this time, and it only urged him to kiss her harder.

“I love you.” He groaned against her mouth. “God, I love you.”

She merely smiled at his reckless confession, holding him by the lapels of his coat until, Ethan, breathless, forced himself to pull away. He brought a finger below her chin and tilted her head up to look at him. Her eyes were red and swollen from the crying and her hair was disheveled from the moment of passion they just shared, but Ethan couldn’t recall ever being in love with her more than he was in that moment. 

“Haruna, marry me.” 

Her eyes widened in surprise. She looked like she was going to say something in protest, but Ethan continued in order to validate his outrageous request.

“Not now.” He interjected. “You’re going to go to Japan, and become the best damn doctor they’ve ever seen. Your success will be your own, and no one will ever remember that you were ‘The’ Ethan Ramsey’s protege in the first place because you’ll become someone a hundred times better.” 

Dr. Ramsey pushed himself off the floor, and pulled Haruna up following that. Her eyes had begun to shine with tears again, dangerously close to falling, and Ethan held her face in his hands. He offered her a comforting smile, but he wasn’t certain if it was meant to reassure her, or to hide his own brokenness.

“Then, if these god damn stars ever choose to align for us and we see each other again, however long that might take, we’ll get married. Is that clear, Rookie?”

She laughed through the tears.

“Crystal, Dr. Ramsey.”

–– 

Dr. Haruna Sakurai departed for Japan the following week. No one knew of her resignation except for the diagnostics team, Naveen, and her closest friends from intern year, so Ethan remained unbothered at the gossip that rang through the hospital when one day, she had stopped coming to work and no one knew why. 

After that evening where he vociferated that almost childish marriage pact, Dr. Ramsey and Dr. Sakurai failed to have another chance to speak. He was busy with his own doctorly duties and Sakurai was preoccupied with tying up any loose ends before she left for good. They’d merely pass by each other in the halls and their interactions alternated between a subtle smile, a curt nod, or a discreet brush of the fingers.

When Haruna accepted his poor excuse of a proposal, Ethan thought he’d convinced himself that it was going to be alright. That things would turn out fine because they parted on good terms and with the knowledge that they’d made the right choice.

So he had to pretend, and to an extent he never did before.  

Pretend like he wasn’t heartbroken at the fact that she didn’t say goodbye. 

Pretend like he wasn’t just as surprised as everyone else when he came to work and didn’t hear the sound of her voice by the nurses’ station like he would everyday.

The feigning of indifference had embedded itself so deeply into his routine that Ethan believed it was real. He readopted his strictly objective nature, like how he used to be before he met her, and just like that, his world went numb and grey.  

“I’m worried for you, Ethan.” Naveen sighed as he sat across Ethan’s desk, genuine concern written all over his face.

Dr. Ramsey didn’t bother looking up as he flipped through applications for the year’s new batch of interns. “We have hundreds of patients to treat and a budget cut that still needs to be solved. I’m not who you should be worried about, Naveen.” He replied dryly.

“My shift ended twenty minutes ago, my boy,” Dr. Banerji chuckled. 

“I’m not here as administration, I’m here as your friend. Now tell me, why are you acting this way?”

"Acting what way?” Ethan quipped, setting down a folder to give his mentor his full attention. “I’m not any different from the last twelve years we’ve been working together.”

“Completely and wholly devoted to your job, I know. But in the past twelve years I’ve known you, you’ve never been so...” Naveen rested his elbow on the armrest of his chair as he pondered for the right word. “Anesthetized?”

Banerji eyed Ethan carefully, almost strictly. 

“You’ve always been a workaholic, Ethan, but never to the point that you neglected your own health. You’re a walking contradiction as a doctor.”

Ethan knew he was right. If there was anybody in the world that he could never win against in an argument, it was his mentor and his mentee. The three of them were an elite trifecta with a unique bond equipped with boundless knowledge, and Ethan swallowed hard as he remembered her for the first time in the four months since she left. 

After coming to terms with her resignation, Ethan thought that their parting satisfied him enough to live on happily and assured of their love for each other. But the following week of being deprived of her presence and being reminded he might never see her again made Dr. Ramsey realize that it was stupidly naive of him to think so. This was nothing like the two months he spent in the Amazon, because he didn’t have that certainty of her greeting him when he inevitably came back. He was unsure of whether the stars really would align for them like he suggested, but certain that he’d never love anyone the same way he loved her. 

He drowned himself in work and almost stopped coming home. The bags beneath his eyes had grown so much more prominent, and four months of this self-negligent lifestyle had aged him more than twelve years of working as a doctor of internal medicine ever could. Of course Banerji had been the first one to notice.

“She’s there everywhere I go, Naveen.” Ethan confessed, unable to keep it to himself any longer.  

“Can’t even leave this damn office and grab a coffee anymore. I ordered my usual roast at Derry’s, and you know what happened? The barista snuck me a free espresso Romano! Told me, ‘for the other pretty doctor,’ and I almost lost it.”

Dr. Banerji stared in disappointment at his own pupil’s oblivion. He had given him too many invaluable lessons to count, but the one thing he never succeeded in helping Ethan understand was the importance of subjectivity. That sometimes even the most logical and calculated decisions were no match against the fickle loyalties of the heart. 

“Answer me honestly, Ethan,” Naveen dropped all hints of playfulness. 

“Do you regret letting her leave?”

–– FIVE YEARS LATER

“Do you regret letting her leave?”

When Naveen asked that question, the answer popped into Ethan’s mind shamefully quick. Accompanied with that epiphany, his world, the one that went numb and grey, began to scream altogether. The imaginary pain that once pricked him frivolously like pins and needles hit him all at once and burst into flames. Shallow incisions made to his heart with every thought of her and what could have been, transitioned into relentless, deep cuts that came at a pace faster than he could heal. 

Over the course of five years, Ethan stopped trying to fight it and left his heart to be mangled by the regret.

“Yes, I regret it.” 

Today marked his seventeenth year of working at Edenbrook, and Dr. Ramsey had lost count of how many batches of interns had come and gone. He still thought about her occasionally, when he’d see her friends in the hospital or at midnight in bed and alone with his thoughts; but time had done a fairly adequate job of healing that wound. Five years in retrospect didn’t seem that long, but it was enough for Dr. Haruna Sakurai’s face to blur and drown into the deepest recesses of Ethan’s mind. 

“He’s so freaking fine, but I swear he doesn’t have eyes.”

Making his rounds, Ethan’s brows furrowed irritably at the interns he caught gossiping in the hall. He tucked his clipboard under his arm, more than ready to reprimand them until a calloused hand caught him by the shoulder.

“Shhh. I want to know what they’re saying about you.” Ethan turned his head just enough to see that it was Dr. Lahela.

He never expected to grow close with one of her brother-like figures, but him and the surgeon spent too much time together at the gym, and Ethan grew fond of the younger doctor more than he cared to admit.

“You know Dr. Tremaine? The pretty one with a sixteen thousand follower count on Instagram? She asked him to dinner and he just walked past her like he didn’t hear anything.”

“You did not turn down Dr. Tremaine.” Bryce covered his mouth with a hand, feigning shock and Ethan retorted almost immediately with his own dry humour. 

“I think you forget sometimes that the thought of your best friend still torments me.”

“Right. Sorry.”

They turned back towards the young doctors, so deep into their conversation that the two didn’t even bother hiding anymore. Ethan leaned against the wall patiently as Bryce cleaned his stethoscope with an alcohol wipe he dug out from his pocket.

“Dr. Castillo’s brother did his residency here too, and rumour has it that Dr. Ramsey actually had a fling with an intern from his batch a couple years back.”

“Shut up. She must’ve been so hot if she could make Dr. Ramsey budge.”

Ethan leaned over to Bryce, unsure of why he was even following his request of keeping silent.

“My ears are bleeding, Lahela.” He aggressively muttered under his breath.

“Wait, they’re getting to the good part. You know how I love hearing Haruna’s praises sung– wait, Dr. Ramsey!” The surgeon’s voice faded as Ethan ignored his plea, beginning his march towards the rumourmongering interns. 

“–Super hot, super smart, and super scary. Apparently she punched Declan Nash in the face once.”

“Shut up! Who is she?”

“You know the one from the last issue of Times? Like, total medical prodigy? Asia’s top doctor who-”

“–Turned her parents hospital into Japan’s top research facility, I know the whole deal. What about her?”

“So, like, she used to work at Edenbrook right? Apparently-”

“You two, interns!” Ethan barked down the hall.

“Dr. Ramsey!” And his terrifying approach was drowned out by Harper Emery’s own voice and the loud clicking of her heels as she rounded the corner.

Complete, utter fear settled into the young doctors’ eyes as they realized that they were in the company of Edenbrook’s most skilled and accomplished staff, one of whom they were gossiping about. Their gaze darted between a cool and collected Harper, and Ethan, who was very visibly seething, and found they could look nowhere else but the floor. 

Harper and Ethan rekindled their friendship following Aurora’s transfer to Mass Kenmore. Harper realized that she wanted the fellowship more for Aurora than she did for herself, and thanks to the younger Emery distancing herself from Edenbrook and her aunt’s legacy, the women were closer now than they’ve ever been before.

“We need to talk.” Harper demanded, despite being aware of the tension.

“It might have to wait, Dr. Emery, I’m in the middle of something important.”

Harper stepped towards him and spoke in a voice low enough that only Ethan could hear, her tone demanding his full attention.

“Dr. Ramsey.” Harper repeated, more firmly this time.

Ethan sensed the urgency in her voice, and looked between his friend and the interns. Exhaling once, he shot them one more infuriated look before turning back the way he came and following his colleague. Ethan eyed Dr. Lahela expectantly as him and Harper strolled past.

“You're up, scalpel jockey.” And Bryce smiled excitedly, closing his eyes and getting into character before storming down the hall.

“Coffee must be one hell of a drug if I’m seeing not one, but two interns chatting ‘til kingdom come while they’re still on the damn clock! Both of you, names!”

Harper failed at containing a smile. “You’re a horrible influence, Ethan.”

He shook his head, repressing his own laughter. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. That pupil of yours wouldn’t leave me alone until I showed him the ropes of...what did he call it, ah– oral persecution. So what was it that you wanted to tell me?” 

“You and Dr. Hirata will be in attendance for a medical conference in Kyoto as Edenbrook’s representatives.”

He nodded in response, continuing to look straight ahead as they walked. “Hmph, like always.”

“And Dr. Sakurai will be present as the keynote speaker.”

[atths--twice]

Chapter 7 is up today! Prompt #1 First Kiss 

I took a little liberty and made it post Triangle. I hope you enjoy!

Out of the Triangle

Scully walked down the hall to Mulder’s hospital room, a bright orange plastic bag held in her hand, and a smile on her face. 

Skinner and the Gunmen left earlier that morning, but she and Mulder were not leaving until tomorrow, though he had been cleared to be released today. 

As he had been on a boat that busted into many thousands of pieces, no belongings to speak of, he was in need of clothes and toiletries, which she was currently bringing to him. 

She laughed inwardly, anticipating when he saw what she had picked out for him. Licking her lips, she opened his door, setting her expression to neutral. 

Finding his bed empty, she frowned as she set the bag of items down on said bed. 

“Mulder?” 

“Yeah?” Came a reply from the bathroom. 

“You okay?” 

“Uh… yeah… just a bit sore.” He walked out of the bathroom in his hospital gown, a grimace on his face. “I have so many bruises on my body. I feel like I’ve been beaten with a baseball bat.” 

“Considering the state of the boat you were on, you’re lucky it’s only bruises and not broken bones. Or a broken neck,” she said with a raise of her eyebrow. “What the hell were you even doing out there Mulder?” He looked at her and she raised both eyebrows. 

“I was looking for the Queen Anne.” 

“Of that I’m aware. And you say that as though it’s completely normal to go looking for a ghost ship. In the Bermuda Triangle.” She shook her head and he nodded with a shrug. 

“I just wanted to see if it was really there.” She scoffed and he pointed his finger at her. “You saw it too, Scully. You were even on it.” 

“Yes, I was.” 

“So, what’s your point?” 

“My point, Mulder, is that the ship I was on-”

“Which everyone believed had been sunk by a German U-boat.” 

“Right, and finding it was a big deal. But, the ship I was on was empty. Had been for a very long time.” She stared at him and crossed her arms. 

“Doesn’t explain how it just showed up out of nowhere, even if it was deserted.” 

“No it doesn't, that's true. Yet, you claim when you were on it, it was full of people, including me.” 

“Because you were there, Scully,” he said adamantly. “I saw you. I spoke to you, touched you, and…” 

“And?” 

“You were there,” he finished lamely and she furrowed her brow. “Are those the clothes you got for me?” 

“That was a wide subject change,” she stated as he walked cautiously toward the bed. 

“I’m just ready to get out of this gown and this hospital.” 

“Uh huh.” 

He turned his head and looked at her. She still stood with her arms crossed and a frown on her face. She knew there was more to his answer that he was not telling her, but she let it go for now. 

Picking up the bag, he started to look inside when he stopped and looked at her again. 

“You can’t be serious,” he said, looking almost disgusted with the clothes. 

“What do you mean?” she asked, trying not to laugh as she stepped closer to him. 

“What is this?” He took the shirt from the bag and she fought back a smile. 

“It’s a shirt.” 

“Ha! This is not a shirt! This is a lifestyle.” He held up the button down shirt and this time she did laugh. 

Knowing he needed only one outfit to get him home, she had shopped in the hotel gift shop, something that was not available in most of the places they stayed. It had a small section of every type of clothes, so she was able to get everything he needed. 

The shirt she picked was light blue with pink flamingos, palm trees, hibiscus flowers, islands, and white capped waves. It had dark brown buttons, which the clerk had happily informed her were made from coconuts. 

“Scully,” he sighed and set the shirt on the bed, reaching inside the bag to pull out the next item. “Scully.” He stared at her and she covered her mouth with her hand, holding back a giggle. 

He held it up and she laughed again at the salmon colored Bermuda shorts with spouting blue whales.  

“You cannot be serious.” 

“There is a pack of undershirts and underwear in there, too.” She laughed and he shook his head. 

“Scully, why in the world would you buy these clothes?” 

“You needed something to wear, I don’t have a car to go driving all over, the hotel has a gift shop… problem solved.” She shrugged and smiled at him. 

“And this is what you picked?” He held up the shirt and shorts against himself and looked at her. “Dana Scully, look at this outfit.” 

“I think it looks good,” she said, pursing her lips and avoiding his eyes. 

“You’re full of shit,” he said, setting the clothes down and staring at her. 

“I am? Me? The one who came to help you after you disappeared off of a radar? Of which you told me no plans before you left? I’m full of shit?” He stared at her and she raised her eyebrows. “I think you might want to rethink your comment.” 

“I couldn’t tell you.” 

“Why? Because I would tell you it’s a stupid idea? And possibly dangerous?” 

“That and then you would’ve inevitably come with me,” he said quietly and she frowned. 

“You didn’t want me to come with you?” 

“Not in the way you think,” he said with a small smile. 

“Then how do you mean?” He sighed as he looked down and then raised his head. 

“You were already saddled with the bill from our last… side trip, which was my fault. I didn’t want you… this was something I wanted to do and you don’t need to…” 

“Save you? From your stupid ideas?” She smiled and he sighed again. “Mulder, it’s been six years, I’ve been around for a lot of stupid ideas.” He laughed softly and she nodded. “As for the reimbursement payment, you and I split that, as you know.” 

“This was different. This was…” He started at her and nodded. “A stupid idea.” 

“Well, it’s nice to hear you admit it,” she said with a smile. 

“I’ll go get changed.” He picked up the bag and the shirt and shorts with a shake of his head. “I still can’t believe this outfit.” 

“You’re going to blend in perfectly,” she teased and he shook his head again, adding a loud sigh. 

He walked into the bathroom and she sat on the bed with a smile. His chart was hanging at the end of his bed and she lifted it up to see what medications they had been giving him the past two days. 

Codeine and a saline IV. Then Tylenol only. 

She set it back with a frown. Codeine could have attributed to his belief that there had been people on the Queen Anne, it usually made him sleepy. He had to have dreamed it all, because any other thought was simply not possible. 

But why had he said he loved her? She thought it was the medication, but codeine would not make him that loopy. 

“I don’t have shoes,” he called from the bathroom, cutting into her thoughts. 

“Keep looking,” she called back. She heard his sigh through the door and laughed silently. 

“Flip flops, Scully? Really?” 

“It’s the island lifestyle, Mulder, to go with your new snazzy shirt.” 

“I’m really not happy about this.” 

“Join the club.” He sighed again and she laughed quietly. 

The bathroom door opened and she turned her head to look at him, loud laughter immediately bubbling out of her. He stood and shook his head, his arms outstretched, showing off his outfit. She leaned forward, a hand on her chest, as she laughed. 

“Is it the flip flops? Because I actually think I like them. I might wear them all the time.” He looked down at his toes and wiggled them, causing her to laugh harder. 

“Oh, Mulder,” she said, trying to stop laughing. “It’s all of it. The whole outfit. I thought it would be funny and I was not wrong, but it’s so much better than I imagined.” She laughed, sticking her hand up, and closing her eyes. 

“Yeah, it’s… it’s something,” he agreed as she opened her eyes and saw him smoothing the shirt down. He touched the buttons and looked at her with a smile. 

“Those buttons are made from coconuts, in case that’s what you were wondering,” she said with a snort and he raised his eyebrows. 

“It was exactly what I was thinking,” he said sarcastically with a shake of his head. “If you’re ready to stop laughing, I’m certainly ready to leave.” She sobered up with just an occasional chortle as they looked around, making sure he had everything. 

“I can’t believe I’m wearing this,” he muttered and she stopped him from leaving the room with a hand by his chest. 

“You left me with no choice when you decided to come here. It was a stupid idea, probably close to one of the dumber ones you’ve had. But if you would have told me, I would’ve been here,” she said seriously, holding his gaze and he nodded.  

“I know.” 

“But, then I suppose if you hadn’t come here, you might not have met the other me, the me from 1939, traveling with Thor’s hammer,” she teased. “Question about that: how did she hold it? No mortal is supposed to be able to lift it.” She tried to keep a straight face, but as realization of what she said dawned on him, he smiled slowly and it brought about her own. 

“It wasn’t Mjölnir, if that’s what you’re implying. She wasn’t walking around with the most fearsome and powerful weapon ever in existence, one that could level mountains,” he said with a grin and she shrugged with a smile. “Although, on some level I suppose she was, as he was a scientist who could control the outcome of the war. But that you even thought about that Thor… Scully...” He shook his head and sighed deeply, his eyes travelling her face. 

“Hmm…” she hummed. “So she was traveling with an undercover scientist, to protect him. Sounds like he was smart to have that protection in place, you never know when you might need it. You should have made friends with her, maybe she could have helped you.”

“Ha!” he laughed, shaking his head. 

“That’s funny to you?” 

“Scully. I told you, you… her… whoever, the outcome of history was saved because of you/her,” he said, staring at her. “I might not ever have seen you again, if you hadn’t listened to me and gone back to the past… for the future.”

“Do you hear yourself? I mean, really yourself?” she asked, and he exhaled a laugh. 

“She shared that trait with you; doubting me, thinking I was crazy, and yet I was right,” She stared at him, her eyebrows raised as she shook her head, and he laughed again. “Same expression too.” 

“I would’ve liked to have seen that. How you handled two of us.” His eyes grew wide and he cleared his throat loudly. “Oh… that’s an interesting reaction.” She smiled and he took a step back. 

“You ready to go?” 

“No. Not until you explain that throat clearing business.” 

“Just needed to do it.” 

“Now who’s full of shit?” she asked, and he sighed, looking at the floor. “Mulder?” 

He looked up and she raised her eyebrows again, as she watched him rub the left side of his face with a wince. Sighing, he dropped his hand and she saw a faint bruise on his cheek. 

“I know it wasn’t you, but she looked exactly like you. Well, a bit more…” he said, gesturing everywhere. 

“More…?”

“She was dressed in a red satin gown, hair done up, a fancy necklace,” he explained, not meeting her eyes. 

“Fancy Scully, huh?” she teased, and he looked at her; her eyes and down to her lips, making her throat go dry. “So she believed you, enough to go back to the past, to save the future? How did you convince her?” 

“I can be very convincing,” he said quietly. 

“Yes, I know,” she replied. 

“I wasn’t sure she would even do it before I jumped overboard, but she did, just as you would have done.” 

“Is that how you got that particular bruise? Jumping overboard?” she asked, nodding to his face. 

“Uh, not exactly,” he laughed and she stared, waiting for him to explain. He sighed and she tilted her head to the side. “I… I didn’t think things would be fixed. I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again. The butterfly effect and all that… and so…” 

“So what, Mulder?” she asked softly. He looked at her and she already knew, but wanted to hear him say it. 

“I kissed you… her,” he nearly whispered, and her heart pounded. “And then she punched me in the face. A mean right hook.” 

“Well, that should have cleared it up right then. If a strange rambling man kissed me, I’d have gone with a left,” she laughed. 

“Exactly what I told her,” he said with a nervous chuckle, staring at her as though gauging her reaction. 

“Why?” 

“Why… why did I kiss her?”

“Yeah.” 

He inhaled and shook his head. “I… do I really need a reason? She was you, sort of, and I thought I might never see you again. I… do you really need to hear a reason, Scully?” He stared at her, his eyes soft, reminding her of a moment in his hallway not so long ago. 

“No, I don’t,” she whispered, stepping closer to him. “So, the past me kept the future intact in order for us to be here in the present. What will we do with that knowledge?” 

He slowly reached his hand out, placing it on her cheek, and she laid her hands gently on his chest. She smiled slightly as he leaned forward, the memory of the moment in his hallway once again burning in her mind, and she closed her eyes. 

His lips landed on hers and she sighed as she pressed further into him, gripping his shirt tightly in her hands. He kissed her softly, keeping it chaste, a sweet tentative step forward, but she felt it throughout her entire body. 

When he pulled back, he smiled shyly at her and she grinned, keeping a hold of his shirt. 

“See? Aren’t I better than some dream version? I didn’t punch you for one, and it happened despite your stupid idea to come here and most definitely despite this outfit,” she whispered with a smile and he laughed. She tugged at his shirt and kissed him one more time. “Let’s get outta here.” He nodded and she stepped back, letting go of his shirt. 

He now held the bright orange plastic bag as they walked out the door and down the hallway, his flip flops flopping loudly, much to his embarrassment and her amusement. 

“Nice shirt, man,” a male nurse said as he walked past them and Mulder looked at Scully as he shook his head. 

“It’s not a terrible shirt, admit it,” she said, pushing the elevators down button, and bumping him with her arm. 

“It’s not terrible,” he agreed, as he looked at it and then at her. “And it’s been a good shirt so far.” She grinned and he winked. “Oh, wait. It’s missing a button, look. Do you have the receipt? We could return it.” He looked at her and she shook her head. 

The elevator doors opened and they stepped inside. 

“No. But, I do have the missing button. It must have come off when I…” 

“Had a death grip on it?” he teased.

“I can sew it back on for you,” she said, holding it out to him. He looked at it and then felt where it was missing on his shirt, shaking his head. 

“No, you should keep it. I like the shirt better this way,” he said with a happy grin. 

She smiled back at him as the elevator doors closed, ready to take them away from the hospital and onto the next stupid adventure. 

Together this time. 

[mewtwo24]

Lucifer I want to hold ur hand

So like...I wrote this eons ago before all the Belphie chapters happened, but I’m still really proud of it? It’s like shortly after Lucifer goes coco-nuts at the end of chapter...12? I think? I came into the game a little late, and then the story took off and this became more of an au given the context

Under a cut bc it is a l o n g boi, as per usual, a little shorter than 2000 words. This is purely fluff hurt/comfort, nothing too heavy or that requires warnings. The MC in this is named Joanna.

Enjoy!

“I don’t know if I’ll ever begin to understand...”

Lucifer’s voice was so quiet, she could only barely make out what he was saying. Her mind was still foggy, still struggling to think beyond the dull ache.

“I never know whether to be impressed by your audacity, or find it foolish. Are all humans like you?” There was a slight huff, something akin to a chuckle--though the prospect made her more sure she was dreaming. His voice was never that tender, and most certainly never so self-effacing. “Perhaps that was a foolish question.” 

He didn’t specify whether that was because it was a good kind of obvious, or a bad kind. And she was too afraid to ask him to clarify--too certain his voice would disappear forever. The last time they had spoken he was beyond furious with her; it was the reason she was on what seemed to be some kind of medical bed. It couldn’t have been her room. Her room didn’t smell like bleach and sterilized dust.

“I know you’re awake, Joanna.” 

Her eyes shot open to find him smiling deviously to her left, hand intercepting the forearm that had instinctively leapt to her defense. She was surprised to find that his grip was gentle; only enough to stop her from hurting either of them.

“That’s one way to say good evening,” he released her arm after checking to make sure her IV was undisturbed. “But I truly wouldn’t have you any other way. Your courage has always been captivating.” 

She assessed him carefully--she wasn’t so delirious that she didn’t realize precisely who it was that landed her in what looked to be a human hospital. The throbbing in her head was no accident, and neither was the ache in her shoulders.

“I suppose I deserve that look.” His brows furrowed, “And I owe Belphegor much for deflecting the majority of my attack. Please, rest assured that I have no intention of directing violence towards you ever again. You have my word.” She could detect no slumbering threat in his gaze, no riddle in the firm line of his mouth. He was serious as serious could be--the most sober demon she had ever met. Her eyes widened when he bowed in that reverent way he always did in the company of the higher ranking demons, onyx hair cascading over his eyes. 

“I imagine Diavolo has already expressed his disappointment.” She laughed when his lips pursed and his shoulders stiffened, a clear sign she was probably right. “I don’t see any need to make you feel worse. Though, I would like it if there could be fewer threats in our exchanges.”

When he straightened he remained ramrod tense, as if he wasn’t sure what to say next. He didn't like being indebted to people, and he liked failing even less. 

And yet, despite everything, she didn’t want him to go. He was the first person to try to ease her worries in this realm--had given her enough information to protect herself, regardless of the situation's tenuous balance. As much as their final confrontation was about his struggle to let go of his haughtiness, it was also about the feelings they had been harboring for each other. She liked him--loved him, even--well aware of all the reasons she shouldn’t.

For all his attempts at guarded distance, he had offered her a great deal of freedom and care in this foreign realm. She knew he was trying, he had simply been a otherworldly being for a very long time; she imagined she had caused quite the uproar in defying him. But somebody had to. If there was one thing she’d learned in life, nothing good came of being entirely untouchable.

“Pull up a chair--that is, if I’m not keeping you from anything.”

Surprise flitted across his face, and it was a wonderful thing to see his honest reaction for a change. Was it because he felt safe with her, or because they were alone? She half-expected him to retreat in favor of making sure Diavolo’s requests weren’t neglected in the time he spent looking after her. For all his insistence of her lowly status, she was sure he felt a great deal of guilt and responsibility for the harm he’d inflicted. 

Despite his considerable strength, he fumbled getting the chair to cross the distance to the bed. She withheld laughter behind a sympathetic smile. Was that a bit of color on his cheeks? He didn’t say anything for a while, eyes trained on the bed.

“Lucifer?” She reached out to touch his pale hand, surprised to find it cool to the touch. Had he been eating properly since the fallout? She hadn't realized what she'd done until after the fact--he had held her hand when she'd revealed she was scared what seemed like hours ago.

“You can’t love somebody and control them at the same time.” He eventually murmured, staring at the hand that was on top of his own. It was entire minutes later that his gaze rose, “I was only just beginning to understand what that meant when you first told me. And perhaps I still don’t understand--not the way humans do.”

Slowly, he raised her hand up to his lips, eyes never leaving hers. “Make a pact with me.” The warmth of his lips and the gentle cycle of his breath against her skin made heat gather in her cheeks. “I want to learn more about this human way of loving.”

“What makes you think I want to make a pact with you? I thought demons couldn’t change.”

She could see him wilt the slightest bit after a spark of indignation, his eyes averted as he lowered her hand. She couldn’t help teasing him a bit--after all the trouble he’d given her to confess his feelings, it was a small price. “For the longest time, it was what I believed. But now I see that it was short-sighted, and self-indulgent.” He sighed. “It was precisely the reason that Belphegor became so cross with me--and Satan, as well. I was so desperate to look after them, to make sure what happened to--" he shook his head. "...would never happen again. I stopped seeing things clearly.”

“And what makes you so sure fear won’t rule you again?” Her eyes were clear; not condemning, but vigilant. She was willing to give him a chance, but he needed to prove that he had learned something from all of this. 

“I’m not.”

“Not?”

“I’m not at all certain. Demons are just as fallible--if not more so--as a result of their strength, their base extremity. I cannot promise that which I cannot foresee.”

When she began to withdraw her hand, his fingers tightened around hers before she could slip away. “But I intend to minimize that concern as much as I can. I imagine under your short leash, things will cease before they ever get to that point again.”

She relaxed when she found his carnelian eyes softly aglow, adoring as they landed on her. It was one thing to hope for such an outcome--it was another thing entirely to see it come to fruition. 

"I'm stubborn."

"As am I."

"I'm a strict instructor."

This earned her a wicked smile. "I should hope so."

"...I'm also mortal, Lucifer."

"And I intend to make you deliriously happy for all the years you will grace this realm. So long as you permit it--it doesn't change a thing."

Her eyes were getting misty. "Are you sure you want somebody as nosy and forthright as me?"

Both of his hands covered hers and he leaned forward--so confident--and stopped a hairsbreadth from her lips. 

"Do you want this, Joanna, as I do? All the good and bad that are to come with it?"

She hadn't been imagining things at all, passion burning in eyes that smoldered to a darker crimson. "More than anything," she breathed. 

His lips found hers shortly after that, gossamer but enough to leave his taste tingling on the surface when he retreated. She had a hard time trying to describe it; she wasn't sure if it was the lingering concussion or the otherworldliness. He reminded her of sunlight in winter, a warmth that tingles and heats you to the very core, her toes curling. He also reminded her of the bonfires--evergreen fueled--that emitted a smoky, spicy aroma into the air. Even the hint of sweetness from roasting marshmallows was there. 

"I am Lucifer, Avatar of Pride. I pledge myself to you, Joanna, that we may be bound by an unbreakable pact." 

She felt the rush that always accompanied bonding to powerful demons, her entire body going rigid with the influx of magic. One of his hands rose to stroke her cheek, and she felt the flicker of their new connection echo from the depths of her bones. 

“That was--”

“Disgusting, Lucifer, what the hell! Haven’t I told the lot of you before she’s my girl? Paws off!”

They both turned to see that Mammon had barged into the room without knocking or alerting anyone, as per usual. Asmodeus and Satan were following close behind with a tired look, though there were signs of delighted amusement in their gazes.

“It’s about time.”

“I’ll say--all that unresolved sexual tension was stressing me out!”

“I’m hungry, isn’t there a single place in the human realm that sells Devildom food, Joanna?”

“Can we hurry this up? I’ve got merch to pick up--they’re going to close soon!”

“Must the lot of you create an uproar everywhere we go--this is a human hospital, keep your voices down!” Lucifer snapped, scowling.

“Joaaaaaaannaaaaaaaa, how could you leave us alone with this grouch for three whole days--ow! What, did you want to put me in a hospital too!?” 

She grimaced at the familiar crack with which a pair of gloved hands struck Mammon’s head. Through their pact she could feel the flickering simmer of remorse in the depths of Lucifer’s heart, and she relaxed back into the bed. He felt a lot more than he let on. 

“Did the doctors tell you anything about my condition?”

“They were baffled in regards to your condition. We told them you, ah, fell down a staircase. They figured it was likely the product of head trauma, but they’ve been watching pretty closely…”

“I see,” she nodded towards Satan.

Lucifer rose from her bedside, not looking any of them directly in the eye. “I’ll see to it that they release you as soon as possible. I trust three days is an adequate recovery period.”

He strode out of the room, silence deafening. She counted to three in her head, wait for it…

“I can’t believe that weenie! We set everything up perfectly and this is how he confesses!”

“Joanna he was beside himself for days, are you part witch?”

“And he says I’m obsessed with Ruri-chan...”

Satan was the one to take a seat at the end of the bed as they chortled and jeered, shaking his head. “I know it may not seem like it, but we really were worried. We’re glad you came back to us.”

“Thanks Satan,” she smiled back easily, “Glad to be back.”