#i just need to decide if i should post them in a compilation or separately.....

[neonganymede]

Once I figure out how I want to upload them, I'll be posting all of the prompts to ao3 too~

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi Steph! I just finished an amazing fic where the boys had broken up but got back together in the end and I wondered if you had any lists of this sort? 🌺

Hi Lovely!!

You know, I get asked this a lot so I FINALLY SAT DOWN and compiled all the fics I have on various lists relating to this! So this list is a mix of the ones I remember on my bookmarks, and the ones suggested to me in past posts!!! Hope you'll enjoy this list!! :D

SEPARATION THEN RECONCILIATION FICS

See also:

Reunion and Other Post TRF Fics

Reunion and Other Post TRF Fics Pt. 2

Reunion and Other Post-TRF Fics Pt. 3

John Finds Out About Hiatus

John Joins Sherlock During Hiatus

Sherlock Returns from Hiatus Injured 

Serbia / Aftermath of Hiatus Fics

The Empty Hearse-Related Fics

A Shipless Ocean by myswordfishmind (M, 22,135 w., 4 Ch. || Post-TRF, John has a Kid, Angst, Reunion, Falling in Love, Open Ending) – Ten years after the fall Sherlock goes back to London to find that John no longer lives there. Instead, he resides in a seaside town, a widower, and the father of a seven year old son. Now, Sherlock must struggle with the fact that there may no longer be a place for him in this new world.

carrying up his morning tea by darcylindbergh (E, 34,504 w., 5 Ch. || Post S3, Minor Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Wakes/Funerals, Estranged John, Pining Sherlock, Depression/Insecurity, Slow Burn, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Chronic Pain/Injury, Reconciliation, Awkwardness, Loneliness, Scars, Angst With Happy Ending) – His fingers tremble as he dials and he can’t force them steady. Familiar number, even though he hasn’t used it in two years. He isn’t even sure he should be calling it now, but she’d asked. She’d made him promise.

Nothing to Make a Song About by emmagrant01 (E, 36,833 w., 10 Ch. || Post-TRF, First Time, Reunion, Jealous John, Pining Sherlock, Romance, Angst with Happy Ending, Sherlock Has a Boyfriend) – When Sherlock returned from his faked death, John could not forgive him for the deception and broke off their friendship. Ten years later, John returns to London in search of yet another new beginning. Sherlock, not surprisingly, is waiting.

The Homecoming Series by sussexbound (M, 51,744 w. across 12 stories, WIP || Domestics, PTSD, Love Confessions, Hurt/Comfort, Cuddling, Jealousy, Family Issues) – Sometimes home is all you need. After three years of horror, betrayals, and crushing loss, John and Sherlock find their way back home to one another, and together find new footing in a world that has changed forever.

Albion and the Woodsman by Glenmore (NR [E], 54,437 w., 50 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post S3, Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Angst, Family, Drug Use, Depression, Sherlock POV, Light Humour, Reconnecting, Declarations of Love) – Sherlock and John are devastated after Mary Morstan makes her final moves. Sherlock relapses at the crack house, John walks around the world … and a lot happens in between. Parentlock, in the good way.

MARKED FOR LATER / WiPs

The Walking Man by suitesamba (T, 2,200 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Retirement, Fluff and Angst, Sussex) – When it was all over, when the east wind had blown through and they picked themselves off the pavement, Sherlock said enough. Eighteen years later, the real journey begins.

The Tarmac by Calais_Reno (T, 5,662 w., 1 Ch. || HLV / Tarmac Scene, Separations, Angst, Pining, Love Confessions, Reunions, True Love) – There are things that need to be said.

Solstice by Calais_Reno (T, 6,875 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, POV Sherlock, Winter Solstice, Separations, Lost Love, Eventual Happy Ending) – It feels like the onset of winter, so gradual that you wake up one day and see ice decorating the windows and wonder when it suddenly became so cold... He lost John slowly, without either of them deciding that’s what would happen. The way to come back together must be so gradual that it’s almost imperceptible. Part 12 of Just Johnlock

Unsettled by suitesamba (M, 7,879 w., 3 Ch. || Pining, Angst, Jealousy, Retirement) – Recently-widowed John takes a look at his life and finds it lacking. It's been twenty years since Sherlock returned from the dead, but he's never stopped thinking things should have turned out very differently. Sherlock has been living in Sussex for five years now, but it takes the news that he has a new partner in crime to get John out of London. A tale of pining, and jealousy, jumping to the wrong conclusion, and old men in love.

Always a Neverland by suitesamba (M, 11,375 w., 1 Ch. || Post TRF, Drug Use) – John is living a quiet life at 221B with his son when Sherlock Holmes, dead and gone ten years, appears at his door. There’s an excellent reason he’s been gone, and several very good ones for taking him back, but the best one of all is Will, who falls in love with Sherlock as surely as John once did.

Where You Hang Your Heart by suitesamba (M, 13,524, 2 Ch. || Post S4/S4 is Canon, Angst, Sussex, Injury, Aging, First Kiss) – When it was all over, when the east wind had blown through and they’d picked themselves off the pavement, Sherlock said enough. When it was all over, when Mary was dead and Rosie didn’t have enough family left for John to risk even an adrenaline high, John watched Sherlock go. Eighteen years later, the real journey begins.

When All is Said and Done by sussexbound (E, 19,570 w., 3 Ch. || Post T6T, John’s Letter, Estrangement, Reconciliation, Hand / Blow Jobs, Make-Up Sex, Frottage, Inconvenient Erections, Implied / Referenced Drug Use, Implied / Referenced Alcohol Abuse, Light Bondage, First Kiss, Love Confessions) – Sherlock sits down on the bench in the middle of the pod and fishes around in the pocket of his coat for the cigarettes he keeps there. There’s a decal on the window that says ‘no smoking’ of course, but… “Do you mind if I smoke?” He sees the sound of his voice register in the man’s body like a bolt of lightning.

The Golden Cottage by AlessNox (T, 20,201 w., 10 Ch. || Post S3, Injury, Cabin, Composing, Sherlock's Violin, Love, Friendship, Hope, Platonic Life Partners, Music) – In a golden cottage deep in the English countryside a man comes to visit and to ask what went wrong with a friendship that once seemed so bright.

The Slings and Arrows of Outrageous Misfortune by  Sherlockwatsonholmesblog (M, 20,455+ w., 4/7 Ch || Post TLD, Five Stages of Grief, Estranged Friends to Lovers, Implied / Referenced Suicide, Self Hatred, Slow Burn, Emotional Trauma, Recovery) – There seems to be something tragic in a friendship so coloured by romance, for they have loved each other immensely. However, Some Days, love isn’t enough. Sherlock and John persevering, as always.

Something Like Love by Calais_Reno (M, 28,553 w., 7 Ch. || Alternate Universe || Pre & Post TRF, Canadian John, Victor Trevor, Texting, Hotel Sex, One Night Stands, Guilty Pleasures, Angst with Happy Ending, Grief/Mourning, POV Alternating, Separations, Infidelity) – A year after a one-night encounter in a hotel in Germany, Sherlock texts Watson.

We'll Meet Again by isitandwonder (E, 29,306 w., 7 Ch. || 1940′s WWII AU || Semi-Public Sex, Blow / Hand Jobs, Anal Sex, Period-Typical Homophobia, Love Letters, Prolonged Separation, Implied/Referenced Rape, Epistolary, War Crimes, Infidelity, Reunion Sex, Magical Realism, Ghosts, Suicide, Sad with Happy Ending) – London during WW II: Doctor John Watson has a hot, anonymous brief encounter with a beautiful stranger during blackout. But they get interrupted. Will they ever meet again? Bittersweet Johnlock WWII AU with a twist to the present day in the end.

This Time No (Forgiveness) by AtlinMerrick (E, 29,464 w., 2 Ch.|| Angst, Redemption) –  It was Sherlock's fault. It usually is. And though he'll ask forgiveness for what he's done, for the very first time John will say, 'This time no, Sherlock. This time, never.' And maybe, just maybe, John Watson is going to mean it. [TRANSLATIONS: Русский]

If Equal Affection Cannot Be by blueink3 (E, 31,156 w., 3 Ch. || Post S4, Family, Retirement, Grown Up Rosie, Angst, Reunion, Loneliness, Sussex, Fluff, Sexy Times, Happy Ending) – Sherlock fled London a couple of years after John left him in hospital with nothing but an old walking stick and a half-hearted goodbye. Rosie grew up thinking that Sherlock died when he committed suicide in front of her father by jumping from Barts' roof. So it's somewhat awkward when they run into each other in a Sussex general store between the loaves of bread and the Mars bars...

Little Contributions by DiscordantWords (T, 43,710+ w., 39/? Ch. || Ficlet Collection) – Rounding up my Tumblr ficlets and odds-and-ends to keep them all in one place. Some are Johnlock, some are gen, each one stands alone unless otherwise indicated. (Chapter 27: The One to Leave)

Borrowed Ghosts by DiscordantWords (M, 57,216 w., 10 Ch. || TLD Divergence / TFP Doesn’t Exist, Minor Lestrolly, Pining Sherlock, John’s a Mess, Heavy Angst with Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Ghost Mary, Guilt, Forgiveness, Drinking, No Hug Scene) – In the aftermath of the Culverton Smith case, John spent one painfully stilted afternoon hanging out with Sherlock. He counted the minutes, finished his tea, and left for home without ever clearing the air between them.And once he'd left, he found it very hard to go back.

The Sweetness Makes the Smoke and Stings Worthwhile by  221b_careful_what_you_wish_for (M, 70,032 w., 31 Ch. || Historical 1920′s Unilock AU || Summer Romance, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, First Kiss/Time, Inexperienced Sherlock, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Drinking, Period-Typical Homophobia, Sexual Tension, Hand/Blow Jobs, Dancing, Secret Relationship, Skinny Dipping, Angst with a Happy Ending, Closet Sex, Hotel Sex, Emotions, Falling in Love, Mutual Pining, Letters/Epistolary, Heartache, Minor Violence, Separations, Reunion Sex, Love Confessions, Victor & Mary in this Fic) – After nearly being expelled from university, Sherlock is banished home to Musgrave Hall for the summer. A friend introduces him to John Watson, a handsome medical student visiting the area. Sherlock and John find themselves drawn to each other, falling into a summer romance that may be as painful as it is sweet. Although they follow different paths, their feelings for each other still haunt them, their love finally coming full circle years later. For those concerned about Mary and Victor, they appear only briefly and as very background characters. My version of Mary is not modeled on the BBC version. She is more of an original character, if anything.

The Case of the Green Gown by splix (E, 209,261 w., 29 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post S3, Case Fic, First Time, Action/Adventure, Angst, Peril, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Slow Burn, Torture) – ...Watson had at that time deserted me for a wife, the only selfish action which I can recall in our association. I was alone. –– Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, The Adventure of the Blanched Soldier

[color-craz]

Good game and good fight everyone! This is another compilation of all the artworks I've made since my Midweek Post + Artist commentary. A significant less amount than last time because I got hit with that Burnout Special soon after. Speaking of that, everyone give a Huge Thank you to @mouwuma for doing the lineart and coloring of my sona!! (I owe them bigtime b/c I was NOT drawing that complicated ass outfit for a third time). Please give them some love or financial compensation! Without further ado, let finish this!

@twidaisi I had to get Twi back for that attack of Compact!! So I decided to do the character that was on my bookmarks as revenge!! I went a different route on him than I usually do (The neckless style again) because I thought it would fit his build better than if I did give him a neck. It was fun doing this cartoony lad who totally isn't committing fraud and medical malpractice!! (That license is totally valid I swear)

@goatpaste I always loved loved loved Sammi's fan JJBA part with Holly and just have been a big fan of his in general, so when I realized he was on AF I knew I had to draw at least one of them!! I picked Roxanne because she is just so pretty and her lore is just really really neat! Fun fact, I sneaked in a I.M.P at the last minute because the top half of the canvas was feeling empty and then remembered stands can partially show themselves. Overall a lovely design so such a neat character!

@salezmanradioz Polyblank was actually in my bookmarks since the beginning of AF! I ended up seeing them right before it started and saved it until now. This also another character that I read into the lore for him and god it's really really intriguing! I had to hold myself back from putting more people into this one because I had other things I needed to do. Polyblank is such a lad and I liked doing their face + colored lineart. (P.S Check out this character playlist it's BANGIN)

@lovelandfrogofficial A little backstory here, once I logged back into AF after posing the Midweek Roundup I found myself hit with four attacks!! Two revenges and two surprises! Cryptid's being one of the surprises, so I felt like I had to give some art in return. I picked out Valentine because he had very few attacks and I had an idea from reading his character desc (A kid like him would definitely dramatically pose inside of a coffin). It was an experience doing the lace and adding the roses (Which was actually a last minute decision, thank godness it turned out so well) but overall I like the look of this one!

SunshineCo225 Their attack of Underscore was my second surprise attack of this year, so I chose Elie of Dicey Dungeons to revenge with! I actually do quite enjoy DD so I went with a location I personally liked from it, which was the library stage. It ended up working out well since Elie's greens and yellows give a wonderful contrast to the reds and blues. I gave her a hammer since her daggers can transform into other weapons which is really cool :>. Honestly the contrast, pose and lighting makes this attack my favorite out of this batch.

@prizebubble A friend of mine attacked one of Nep2ne's charaters, which inspired me to do one of my own as well. A double whammy if you will! The idea behind this one is Kit ripping through AF to cause chaos so this one is transparent. It was lovely doing the patterns and stitching on Kit, it was like I was decorating her myself! Overall just a nice quick one with such a rambunctious looking character.

@mouwuma Me going "Oh I can't participate in AF this year" and then hitting you with an attack should be tradition at this point, it's happened like twice now. Anyway, this one is a Double Whammy of Dop & Ninian, they come from completely separate universes but Dop is a gigantic, pretentious nerd. And I thought it would be funny for them to be rambling about Ninian, a Pokemon fan character of theirs, and make up a fake amiibo pose for him. I felt like I had to do one for how much I pestered you to put Dop on AF so here it is!! (Fun Fact, Pokemon doesn't have an official amiibo line like Mario does. All the Pokemon amiibos are exclusively for the Smash Bros line. Nintendo is losing out big time here.)

@skittisketch My final attack of the year! This one almost didn't get made at all (So thank Jesse next time you talk to him). The ref described Skitti as a "wandering artist" so I thought her walking around a park for inspiration would fit her nicely. I could've simplified the background but god dammit I had sketched it already I had to go all in! (Even if I was on a bit of a time crunch). Overall a good work to finish of this year's Art Fight with!

Honest to god I didn't even expect myself to get out as many attacks as I did for this second half. So I'm quite proud of myself for that one! This was an ArtFight of trials and tribulations, but I finished this year off with 862.75 points! Thank you to everyone who gave me art this year and one more Thank you to mouwuma for doing the art for me (And for being such a good friend!)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to collapse before school starts ;-;.

-Gappy, A Very Tired Witch

[hideyseek]

5, 9, 12!

crab!! hi hi hi hi hi hiiiii~! ty for quastions :3

from fanfic asks for the new year

5. Which WIP is first on your list to complete this year? Will you post a snippet?

aha, well. technically the first is mini heist!au but none of it is written that is in the shape of the final thing that i haven't already posted on here so i'm gonna cheat and say uh. wow huh okay then i kind of have no idea. ah! maybe my arthurcobb fic then! cos it sure won't be narrative!fic, lol!

here is a snippet from the current draft which is uhh three and a half years old (by which i mostly mean to say, there are a couple things in here i would write differently now.):

Arthur brings his coffee up to the counter where Dom has already deposited his onion rings and says, “Excuse me, can I purchase a — a temporary phone?” If he doesn't call it a burner maybe he will come off as more the kind of person he actually is. The cashier puts up a finger in question and Arthur nods but behind him Dom says firmly, “Two.”  Arthur turns, surprised. “Why — we don’t need two?” They’re traveling together, after all. Arthur’s not about to leave Dom alone, so it’s not like Dom will need his own phone. It’s not like Dom’s super functional, anyway. The three days he’d spent on Arthur’s couch before they read the news and had to leave town extremely suspiciously, he’d really just spent on the couch. “We don’t need two phones, Dom,” Arthur repeats.  “What if we get separated,” Dom points out. “How would we get in contact with each other again? You should have your own phone, too.” Arthur would rather not think about circumstances that would separate them. Dom says, “Arthur,” and it feels pointed. Something like panic hollows Arthur’s chest. Things are already out of control, apparently. Two days into being on the run and apparently Dom can call these shots but he can’t be on the run by himself.

9. Short term goals… what do you hope to complete this week or in January?

ahaha actually, getting this ask made me decide that i'm going to try my absolute best to finish the project i've been calling "mini heist!au" (which ... at this point ... is just an au of heist!au without any heists in it, lmao) this month! i used answering this ask as my bribe for reading through all the existing material and drawing up a revision plan / new fic story structure actually. i'm not sure i'll be able to, i suspect there are 2-4 drafts and i simply do not write that fast (at least one from scratch based on a new outline, possibly a second from scratch, and then a second/third that's just like. content/theme/cadence/character arcs etc revisions. though that might get complex enough to be two drafts). but we'll see! there are still 24 days so at this current moment i am optimistic :3

12. Will you change anything about the way you edit or rewrite this year?

YES I SURE FUCKING WILL. I HAVE BEGUN IT ACTUALLY, mostly i'm continuing to test a thing i tried in december 2023 to see if it still works for projects that aren't the specific situation of the beginning of devotion (so far, yes!) anyway the way that process goes is like this (recipe below):

first, write a terrible draft. some scenes can just be a note of what needs to happen. ideally: expend as little fucking effort on this as possible bc like. almost none of this will stay. just write enough to get the vibes of what you're going for.

second, read through that draft taking notes of what you like or don't like (or, the way i phrase it for myself to make the goal clearer "what feels like it is aligned with my vision for the fic vs what isn't") but most importantly. WHY.

for me doing this second step has 2/2 turned into "here is a rough outline of the story, completely restructured" but also, with no ending (which is fine, i just have to trust that the ending will appear when more of the draft is written).

third, compile those notes on a new draft into a narrative-order outline (linear for me).

fourth, write the new draft.

fifth, try to do step 2 again. but what i found for the beginning of devotion and therefore what i'm to a certain extent expecting, is that i will just have a bunch of Ns/dislikes and then go. ah. because the things i dislike are too granular to require big-picture story structure changes now.

sixth, copy the most recent draft into a new doc. and read through and revise directly on the page. maybe title at some point so that revision stuff is aligned with the mood/tone/content/vibes/whatever of the title. and maybe come up with initial tags and a summary here also to make sure the vibes are all aligned. hopefully the content of the ending will become clear at this point and you'll draft that for the first or second time.

seventh, idk i like to do an out-loud readthrough bc reading cadence is important to me personally. and also i am scared to lose the skill of reading aloud considering i do it about zero times a year other than this.

that's it basically.

[batman66sexyrogues]

Round 2 is in the Queue!

All right, everyone! I've got all the entries for round two ready, they're in the queue, and they'll be live on Monday. We've got nine rounds this time, and I'll get them all linked in this post as soon as they're live.

New Contestants in Round 2:

Since it was specifically requested, Riddler (Gorshin) will be get the third open slot. So in round three, that's when we'll bring in Penguin, Joker, and Catwoman (Kitt). I am still featuring her even though she won the Catwoman competition, since I need her to make an even number in round 3, but also because she should still get to have her own trivia blurbs.

Apologies in advance for the lack of new trivia on some of the entries. I overestimated how much would be available and thus I used all of it in the first round.

Again, propaganda is allowed, so have fun, go wild! Just don't harass people.

Second Chance Bracket:

At this point, I am leaning towards compiling the second chance bracket following round three. I'm going to see how many total contestants we have for this before I decide for sure how many matches and rounds that will be. Probably those rounds won't have any trivia since there likely will be more than two characters per match-up and for many of them, there's a chance I won't have anything new for them. If I do have any that didn't get used, that character's trivia will be in a separate post.

All Round 2 Matches:

[3rddimension]

Hey so I've been following this blog and interacting w you a lot lately. I wanted to propose you consider the idea of turning the post into a separate tumblr blog where you'll be able to password protect it or at least implement a "no sharing the link on public platforms" rule somehow.

I understand the idea of keeping it public and how it's still relatively underground but I've seen the link for it posted on yt, reddit and ig just this past week. It seems everytime someone comments that they're not dating, a user will tell them to visit the Tumblr post and I don't think there's any way to be sure S or C won't find it somewhere in video comments. The link as it is now is basically compromised and very easily accessible.

I've heard c and s on separate occasions talk about funny smosh compilations ending up on their yt homepages, there's a chance they could stumble upon the link in the comments ANYWHERE at this point. If not s and c then possibly any other member of Smosh cast or crew, that's terrifying.

I genuinely think that if c found it, it'll look like the detective shartney discord all over again to her. And she'll never trust us or see us the same way again. There's a difference between us compiling things and feeling like it's all from public stuff so it's not that invasive, and her seeing a post like that about her own life/relationship. It could potentially drive her to be as private as S is since fans keep publicly discussing her dating life when she's said she wants it to be private time and time again. I'm pretty sure when she references cyberstalking she doesn't just mean that discord triangulating their locations/finding s's brother's house and shit but also fans doing these very specific posts dissecting everything single thing they or others around them post. Especially when we're basically inviting others to view these details so freely.

Any pics, videos and compilations you've posted here separately to point out something cute are no problem but the detailed timeline post and the discussion posts should be private or at least somewhat protected. I've been here since the beginning basically and I thought this would stay relatively underground but seeing poeple sharing this link so freely gives me the ick and makes it very hard to to even avoid the negative comments you've been getting on the post. It shouldn't be this easily accessible considering the circumstances.

I think how it could be instead is, any user who wants to access the timeline post is sent the link to your blog and you could post the password somewhere (without directly tagging sh*urtney or sm*sh). Or an alternative would be that they DM you to get the link/password to the private blog. I know password protected seems like a lot, the other option would be to move the post and discussion to a new blog and pin a post that discourages poeple from sharing the link on public platforms and encouraging them to DM it to each other instead but I don't think it would be easy to get people to follow that rule idk.

Lastly, a private blog obv doesn't mean we start getting more invasive and obsessive. The practices of this blog remain the same, the info shared and detailed discussions shall not cross a certain line regardless of the status of the blog, public or private.

That's something I have been noticed too is that there are spike of follower recently. Looks like it start to caught some wind.

What I was doing parallel with tumblr is that I posted the same thread on imgur with same description there and set it as unlisted. Which means it required the link to post but that also too easy to repost and share.

Let me figure out an easy way to do. I do have some more options. In the mean time I will removed the tag from the post. Also need to update imgur for now since I might decided to remove that tumblr post. imgur will be the backup.

Thanks anon for the head up! We need to figure this out before it catch even more attention.

[kachuusha]

why I think isayama did itend to hint some romance between levi and hanji

this is kind of a ranty post because I am tired of being told to not ship levihan because apparently "it ruins their friendship"

ever since the beginning of aot isayama had shown us snippets of levi and hanji's closeness and how well they know each other. yes their bond that was portrayed in the earlier stages of the series does not necessarily have to mean that they have romantic feelings for one another. yes it is valid to interpret some of those interactions as romantic but they could also be just purely planotic. but this is where chapters 115, 126 and 132. those are the chapters that I think solidified the fact that levi and hanji. what happened in chapters 126 and 132 are things you cannot simply brush off as platonic.

one does not simply ask someone to run away and live with them. people would always counter this with "but hanji only said that because they are tired!", yes hanji is tired that is an undeniable fact given what hanji was put through in that month alone. but if isayama's only intented to show us that hanji is tired so they wanted to run away, why did he go for a dialogue that may have romantic implications? why did it have to be "maybe we should just live here together right levi?" and not hanji directly stating that they are tired and they want to run away? another thing to note is that this was not the first time isayama implemented this narrative. here is a compilation of the amount of times the living together plot was included in the story. also why would isayama bother drawing hanji blushing? yes hanji does blush a lot but the context of the scene is important. why did hanji blush this time? because levi heard what they said which sounds a lot like a proposal. again I would get countered by people claiming that levi rejected hanji. but did he though? levi wakes up to hanji already fixing a cart that can transport him, this is a strong implication that hanji was not going to stay in the forest. maybe for a brief moment they had really considered of just staying there with levi. hanji actually admits to mikasa and jean that they had thought of abandoning everything. but doing that would he very uncharacteristic of hanji. maybe hanji said that because for a moment they wanted to be selfish, to have something for themself. to be able to say something that they desire which is a life of peace and with levi safe by their side. but deep down hanji knows they couldn't abandon the people who need them and waste the sacrifices their comrades had made. that's why levi tells hanji that he knows them. levi knows that hanji wouldn't be able to bear the guilt of leaving everything and everyone behind. and to that hanji agrees with levi that yes they can't. so where is the rejection? all I see are two people who have decided to walk on the same path. to me, levi's words felt more like an assurance that he is on the same page as hanji and is affirming their decision. another thing is that when levi asks hanji where will running get them. that felt like an implication that they cannot run away yet not when they have responsibilities to bear. because by simply running away they cannot achieve true peace.

by now I am pretty sure that most of you by now are aware of levi's unrequited love dialogue in 132. I also discussed this in a separate post so check it out if you want. why would isayama insert something like this in the dialogue? levi implies that hanji's love for titans is unrequited but there is a mutual feeling with someone. I've seen people say names of other characters but that doesn't make much sense considering hanji just practically confessed to levi a few days ago in their universe. whose mutual feelings is levi going to naturally confirm them? wouldn't it make sense if it was with him?

and of course levi saying dedicate you heart for the very first time and he said it as a farewell for hanji. this isn't something you can simply brush off because levi has been in the survey corps for 10 years and this was the only time he says it. not only that but he couples it with the gesture of striking up his left fist over hanji's heart. why couldn't he just do a standard salute and hanji would salute back to him? why did it have to be something that looks so personal? and the focus on their eyes and hanji's quivering lips is just something so powerful.

then we even get isayama uploading a photo of that levi panel saying see you hanji in 132 but without his bandages so we could clearly see levi's sorrowful expression. for what reason did he upload this? and first of all he really had to take a photo of it because covering levi's face in bandages.

just recently, 138 was released and it practically confirms eremika as a canon ship. and the thing about that? there are numerous parallels with levihan with the dialogues and how some panels were drawn. also made another post on it so here is the link if you are interested.

so if isayama only intended for levi and hanji's bond to be seen as platonic then why would he bother inserting hints that are romantic in nature? like I said in the beginning, some can be taken as purely platonic in context but the other ones are blatantly romantic. and them having parallels with a ship that is strongly hinted to be canon is just something you can simply brush off.

this became a bit longer than I thought. if you made it until the end then thank you. there are some things about 115, 126 and 132 that I still did not say in this because I am planning to make separate posts about them when aot ends. so basically this concludes my rant on why I think isayama was indeed inserting romantic hints in levihan's dynamic.

[badapricot]

Lovely Writer: Special 1

This is a rough translation of the first Lovely Writer special. There are 8 in total and other side stories that the author compiled. I’ll try to post 1 a week since they do vary in length, and some are a lot lengthier than this one.

This special is from Nubsib’s POV and it’s about Nubsib remembering his feelings for Gene after seeing him on Facebook, and becoming fixated. Nubsib is 15 at the time and Gene is 20.

At that time, I was in the ninth grade.

Since middle school, my parents had sent me to study abroad with my brother. Because of the wealth of my family, this was never an inconvenience. But living alone in a place that wasn’t your home country required a lot of adjustment, mainly doing everything on your own. You had to learn things that you’ve never seen and known. 

This was one of the methods of teaching the sons of the Thanakitpaisan family.

It was their luck to have a son who was mature since childhood. It didn't take long for me to get used to the culture there, where I went to parties, attended sports clubs, worked a part-time job, and even had typical American teen sex. Being Asian did give me some advantages, when it came to distinguishing myself from the others.

I could only smile when talking to the many blonde women who bragged about our experiences in bed, amongst their group of friends. After some time, I felt differently about it.

"Sib.”

"Yes?" I leaned back on the sofa, and raised my head from his screen when I heard my name.

Neung came downstairs. He was wearing a thick gray cardigan with a scarf. "I’m going to go meet a friend. You're not going anywhere today, right? "

"Hmm."

"Okay, I might be coming back late. Please get my package when it arrives. You’re not going out with your girlfriend, right?”

"We broke up.”

"Huh?” Neung frowned. "You dumped another one? Again? You know, you don’t have the face of a womanizer.”

"…"

Neung opened the door of the house. For a moment, the cool outside air blew in, until the hot air from the heater disappeared. I didn’t care much about either, and stayed looking at my phone screen.

I’m not a womanizer.

It’s just that every time I got together with a girlfriend, something felt wrong. I knew I wasn’t in love with the first girl. The others, I didn’t like particularly much. Sometimes the girls didn’t like me much either, and only wanted a partner themselves, so we’d eventually separate.

It was true, that I was only in the ninth grade. But sex here was too normalized. It had become so normal that I’d become bored. When sex became so commonplace, all excitement was lost.

Mom: (send picture)

Mom: I’ve sent you Thai ingredients that should be delivered soon. They’ll be waiting for you.

Mom: Today, I went to see Aunt Run, do you still remember the house next door? Today is the Aunt's birthday. All of her sons have come home.

Mom: I saw it and I missed you and Neung.

I looked at the message that popped up, from the other side of the world. It was dark here, but over there it was probably in the middle of the day. It was time for them to eat.

Mom: Do you remember Gene? Gene and Jap are all grown up.

Gene?

After reading my mother’s message, it was natural to think of the past. I missed it. During my childhood I would run and play with him everyday, and just the same, Gene would play with me almost every day.

I still remembered “P’Gene” clearly after all these years.

We were five years apart. But we somehow became closer than me and my own brother. Since I moved out of the house, we never saw each other again. We didn’t have any more contact with each other.

When my mother talked about that time, I felt nostalgic.

I moved my finger to type to ask for a picture from my mother. In the end, I sent a simple sticker. I sat on the sofa in the living room for awhile before retiring to my bedroom to shower.

In my warm bedroom,  so different from the night air outside, I picked up my phone again. I went to Facebook to catch up with everything back home. My finger kept scrolling through my news feed, my face blank. I started to feel sleepy, but before I could fall asleep I saw a status.

I wasn’t friends with the person who posted. But I was friends with his mother, who was tagged in the photo.

Jap Jarernpipat posted a picture.

This year, my mother has lost another year, haha.

In the picture was a group of six people. The background was a wide garden and a long table. Both of my parents, and Auntie Run and Uncle Teep were there. But the one that most caught the eye was the man in the lower right corner.

The other person grinned until his eyes were crescents. His hands were raised, flashing a peace sign. His hand held a cake tray with a delicious golden egg. The corner of the mouth was stained with white cream, like he was teasing someone. He was smiling, which made his cheeks round and full.

I couldn't take my eyes off of him. For a second, there was a strange numbness in my fingertips and toes.

I didn’t need anyone to tell me who that was.

P’Gene.

He was still wearing a white uniform shirt. It had been many years since we’d met, if counted by age. Gene would have been in university for three years.

Usually, I was the kind of person who didn’t care about the people around me, or anyone else. But this time, I couldn't control my fingertips. I clicked onto Jap’s Facebook page.

Chasing him down, I found a status posted with the person I was looking for tagged.

Jap Jarernpipat posted a picture

My brother brought me to the movies. What kind of crazy alien movie is this? I might puke, but maybe you guys on Facebook will like it.

The post was from three days ago. One was a picture of a cinema ticket on the top floor of a department store in the heart of Bangkok and the other was of P’Gene in a T-shirt and jeans. He hugged a bucket of popcorn. His hand was holding a large glass of water, lifting it up to his lips and sucking. It was a funny candid photo that many of his friends on Facebook commented on to make fun of him.

...but for me, the only word that came to mind was “lovely”.

I didn’t know why I was doing this but I pressed “save that image”.

Jap Jarernpipat posted a picture

My stupid little brother, you make the whole house look bad.

They were in a garden in the corner of the house that felt familiar to me, but was a little fuzzy. They were in front of a flower bush that had been trimmed into a square. Gene was sitting down, with his butt on the ground. A blue hose fell next to him, the hose spraying in another direction. It made him wet all over soaking his shirt, the thin material clinging to his body.

Both of his arms were behind him, to support his body. Therefore, his shirt and body were stretched, so I could see two small nubs contrasted and poking through his white shirt.

My eyebrows furrowed together, and I frowned.

I cursed when my body immediately had a strong reaction, just from the one picture.

I pressed the comment section, when I saw the high number of comments.

Jiranon Jarernpipat: Jap stop posting pictures of other people.

(Reply) Jap Jarernpipat attached video clip.

I clicked play immediately.

"Ow, P’Jap!”

“Hahaha, why would you say you’ll help me water the plants? You can help if the grass is dead.”

“Can you turn off the water for me first? Why are you recording?”

P’Gene raised his white hand. He wiped the water from his face, and pushed himself off  the ground. His shirt clung to his body, so I could see everything. He had the voice of a man, but he was still so cute.

Finally, the clip ended.

There were still a lot of other videos that Jap posted pranking Gene, all of which stopped me from becoming bored. I saved all of them to my phone and computer. In the end, when more and more accumulated, I created a whole separate folder.

That night when I fell asleep, my brain was filled with pictures of the boy next door, who I hadn’t seen in years.

Another morning, days later, I woke up frowning, and I had to gently breathe out. I’d dreamt of P’Gene again. Since seeing that picture that night, there hadn’t been a day where I could go without seeing his face.

I knew Gene’s Facebook. But he didn’t update much, except to change his avatar or cover photo. But Jap’s Facebook page had tons of pictures of Gene. So I was still able to look at Gene’s pictures and progress in life everyday, like some kind of psychopath.

Even when I closed my eyes to sleep sometimes, I still saw his pictures.

I didn’t want to be this way, but I couldn’t control my subconscious.

I always saw Gene lying in my wide bed. He would smile at me, his cheeks soft and reddish. His hands would hold on to me, and his mouth would gently say, “Sib.”

It was a fantasy that any teenage boy would have. But it wasn’t a woman. Instead, it was the boy next door, who always loved and saw me as a brother.

I circled back to look at his pictures every day. In the end, the feeling accumulated like a huge mountain of snow.

I want to meet him in real life.

I want to hug him.

I want to smell him. 

I want to kiss his mouth. I want to do to him what I do in my dreams.

Since the day I saw his picture and until today, my thoughts and feelings had become more and more intense. So intense, that sometimes I was afraid of myself.

I’d already decided how I’d deal with this.

“Will you finish school here?” Neung had packed all his bags and was ready to go because he finished his studies. I leaned against the door frame, looking into his room.

“Actually, it’s nice here too, you know.”

"No, I'm going home."

“So you’ve changed your mind then?”

I nodded.

“Well, our house is nice and of course, our parents miss you too.”

"…"

"I'm not going to be here anymore, don't bring any women into the house...but you're not dating any girls lately. So it's fine."

I sent off my brother, who took a taxi straight to the airport to go back home to Thailand. Personally, I still had a year to complete my studies.

In the past, I had never thought or worried about how fast or slow time would pass. But now, I felt jealous of my brother.

Back at the house, I picked up the phone. I was still for a while. Maybe it was because Neung had returned to Thailand, but I felt like chasing pictures wasn’t enough anymore. My fingers moved before I could decide to send a message to someone.

Nubsib tanagijpaisarn: P'Jap.

Nubsib tanagijpaisarn: Do you remember me?

I wanted to talk to someone who could tell me everything about P’Gene. 

I wanted to learn everything about him.

[dathen]

I cannot emphasize enough how much exclusionism harms LGBT ace and aro people.  There is no such thing as “well those aces are allowed, I’m just worried about straight infiltration” because they’re not actually doing shit to include even the aces that they give their free pass to!

I am asexual, aromantic, and agender.  While a lot of people would say that being nonbinary/agender doesn’t count as trans, but for the sake of theory let’s say it does.  By supposed exclusionist theory, one of these identities allows me to be included in queer spaces--my gender identity.  By their logic this should mean I have nothing to worry about, right?

Except I can’t check my asexual and aromantic identities at the door.  I may have three separate words to define myself, but in reality they’re so intertwined I can barely tell where one ends and where another begins.  I was best able to explore being agender when around other aromantic and asexual people, who had similar experiences as me.  I can’t put into words how beneficial this was in a very dark time in my life.

LGBT aces are not accepted by exclusionists in any real sense of the word.  We constantly see your mockery and your ace cringe compilation posts, we constantly see the “I hope ace people have a bad day--gays and lesbians only!” shitposts.  We’re told that half of our identity is embarrassing and childish and humiliating, don’t talk about it, pretend it away, only hype the attraction we do have (if any).  If you’re a trans aroace person like myself, you’re completely out of luck--it’s difficult enough for the community to remember that trans people exist and don’t also need to justify their place in the community with LGB attraction.  Hell, I remember seeing some using the term “queer trans people” to separate them out from straight and aroace trans people, to make sure the rest of us know we’re not welcome.

It erases the extremely important space to talk about the intersection of being ace and LGBT.  People shouldn’t have to talk about their sexuality while bottling up how being ace or aro affects it.  People shouldn’t be made to think that being ace or aro makes them a diluted form of queerness.  I shouldn’t have to untangle the jumble that is my identity, peel away and discard the threads of asexuality and aromanticism and how those have affected my life, and somehow try to talk about and relate to my gender as a stand-alone thing.  

This is NOT “acceptance.”  This is NOT “oh we’re just trying to keep straight people out.”  

When I first started considering I may not be straight, the first resources I found were LGBT blogs that said that asexuality was just people with so much internalized homophobia that they couldn’t accept their own attraction.  I tried forcing myself to have attraction, training myself to warm up to the idea of having sex, and just traumatized myself further.  I still don’t think I’ve recovered from this almost ten years later, and I think the extent of my sex repulsion came from these self-corrective behaviors.  While I’ve seen people who formerly identified as asexual later decide a different identity fits them better, stating this is fact for everyone who doesn’t experience attraction is unspeakably harmful.

I’ve been in this game for a long time, well before the backlash that caused aspec resources to vanish, back before “discourse” was even a commonly used word.  I used to try to play along with what everyone told me to do to be a Good Little Ace.  Avoided calling myself “queer” because only people with attraction can call themselves that, right?  So if I made a post about the struggles I had with self-worth and suicide ideation as an asexual person, in hopes to reaching other asexual people with similar struggles as me, I was still staying within the lines!  No mention of being part of any community or calling myself “queer” or “LGBT” or anything!  It didn’t prevent me from getting so much harassment I had to deactivate my blog, half of involved accusations of “you’re just pretending to be oppressed so you can infiltrate the LGBT community!” even though I hadn’t said a word about it in my posts!

I am so discouraged by young people who are already so deep in exclusionist rhetoric, and who would rather swallow up and parrot unquestioned hatred rather than think about the harm they’re doing.  If your attitude is “I’m not an aphobe, I’m just an exclusionist,” please stop and think of the actual effects of your beliefs.  Listen to the people this affects, listen to how this has affected our entire lives.  This isn’t an announcement that we’re more oppressed than you, this is a call to recognize we’re with you and that giving us space and companionship and support can be literally life-saving.  I am begging for people to listen to each other’s experiences, see and hear us as people, rather than just a jumble of letters to unfeelingly sort.  

[j-minte08]

Why do I award BalanWonderworld as a masterpiece?

Introduction

⚠️I'm using a translator, so I apologize if any parts are difficult to read.

In this article, I will write about why I award Balan Wonderworld as a masterpiece, with answers to criticisms.

When I played the demo version, I thought this game was SO BAD. But I believed Yuji Naka and bought the full version. (Before I knew it, I had bought four of them...) I'm not raving blindly about it.

At first, I was hopelessly disappointed because nothing had changed from the demo version. However, in chapters 2 and 3, I was impressed by the three-dimensionality and beauty of the stages, and in chapter 4, I realized the comfort of gaining freedom through the acquisition of costumes.

By the time I was completely finished, I was convinced that this game was a great piece of work.

This is an article that I wrote after spending nearly 100 hours on this game.

I hope you will read it.

Main part

First of all, this game is not a game with flashy action as its primary objective. (Flashy battle action is possible in some scenes.)

【Puzzle】　【RPG】　【Exploration】

It is structured around these three main components.

The game also features a "Balance AI" that senses the player's movements and makes changes to the difficulty and world. There is also a presentation of my own work, so please take a look!

Please read with the above in mind.

■ One button action is stressful.

▶︎ As mentioned earlier, this game is not intended for flashy action. At its root, it is an RPG and does not require multiple buttons. The reason it's a simple operation is because it doesn't need to be.

There is only one button, but instead the player is given the freedom to select up to three actions of their choice. The way to play Balan is to find your own strategy within these constraints.

Some people point out that you can't jump, but only a few outfits limit jumping. Most of them are attack-oriented outfits. It's up to you to decide whether you want more attack power or more movement power.

If you're still not convinced, this game just isn't to your liking.(If that's you, I recommend the Wii version of Rodea.)

NiGHTS and Sonic are also action games with simple controls, but the concept is different from Baran, as explained below.

From the very beginning, NiGHTS and Sonic are one-button games that allow for exhilarating action. The action feels good and allows for improvement through trial and error.

However, Balan begins in a state of helplessness. One of his goals is to use his wits and eventually gain the power to run freely around the three-dimensional stage.

Freedom from discomfort. This catharsis is the best part of Balan.

It is also linked to the story's theme of opening closed minds.

■ The structure of the puzzle is sketchy.

▶︎ There is an intention behind this. By making the puzzle structure more flexible, the player is given more choices.

Therefore, each player will have a completely different solution to obtaining a single statue.

Also, each time you play the game, you will find new strategies, making it a game that can be played repeatedly.

This is the reason why Yuji Naka was so confident about this game.

Personally, I think that this action with a puzzle concept has a similar point of view to card games and rock-paper-scissors.

The Mega Man series is a typical example of a game that requires you to observe the situation and your opponent's movements to find the right technique and move. In fact, there is a famous episode where it was derived from rock-paper-scissors. This is also a game where you can enjoy improving through trial and error, but I think the structure of the rules is similar to that of Balan.

■ It's a pain to stock up on costumes.

▶︎ There is no need to overstock costumes. The minimum number of costumes needed to clear the course will naturally be available. Dependence on certain costumes can make the game monotonous. Also, the BalanceAI can sense your movements and take countermeasures.

As the difficulty level increases, you will have a hard time because the costumes will not come back.

The game is made more interesting by the style of play that allows you to use all the costumes to their fullest extent and bring out the true value of each one.

If you run out, explore the stage while collecting costumes. It may lead to new discoveries.

Even if you don't have a specific costume, there are many situations you can get through by applying other costumes.

This degree of freedom is what makes Balan so interesting. The strategy is left to your imagination.

■ The stage is curved. Isn't this a useless design?

▶︎ The curvature of the map allows you to see every corner of the stage. You may be confused because there is no other game that tries to do something like this. However, this is an ideal map for exploration games.

The basics of this gimmick are used as of chapter 1. Chapter 7, which has particularly large differences in elevation, makes good use of this gimmick.

■ The difficulty level is too low.

▶︎ Basics → Application → Review (Boss battle)

This game is designed to follow the above flow thoroughly. As a result, the difficulty level in the early stages is kept low, but the endgame is quite difficult. I almost lost my mind in chapter 12.

The bosses are easy to defeat. However, it is difficult to conquer all three strategy patterns.

Also, if you keep defeating enemies quickly without taking damage, the difficulty level will increase.Stronger and faster enemies will appear in large numbers.I found the difficulty level increased at chapter 3.

In other words, the difficulty of the game depends on how good you are.

■ I want to have a HP separate from my costume.

▶︎ This system prompts the player to use a different costume in case of failure.

Depending on the situation, you can either sacrifice valuable costumes, or use inconvenient but well-stocked costumes... The game throws a variety of choices at the player. This gameplay becomes more apparent as the difficulty level increases.

If you separate the HP from the costume, this tense gameplay will be lost.

The system of choosing outfits based on what will happen next fosters the ability to think and survive on one's own. It will also help the child's ego independence.

■ I need more explanations and hints. It's designed in an unfriendly way.

▶︎ It's not a game that requires you to do anything difficult, so if you think about it, you should be able to understand it to some extent. All you have to do is immerse yourself in collecting statues by any route you can think of.

Some people criticize Balan for being old-fashioned, but they are missing the point.

Games are essentially content that teaches you to think and act for yourself. This is a posting of what games should be, and a refreshing return to the basics.

However, I don't mean to criticize modern games. The immersive feeling of being in a movie, and the friendly design of the UI that shows you where you are going so you don't get lost. I think it's a beautiful evolution for today's hectic world where it's hard to find time to be alone.

However, to be honest, it is abnormal to say that only works that follow the latest trends are evaluated, and it is difficult to say that there is creativity in such works. Evolving technology and the presence or absence of originality have completely different meanings.

I would like to say that games like Balan, which have their own rules and think for themselves, are what we need today.

■ I don't understand the story. I want subtitles.

▶︎ With both video and dubbing, the amount of information is extremely high. By not using real words, all the people in the world have the exact same experience. Very romantic, don't you think?

It's not to dismiss the unspoken parts as non-existent, but to let your imagination run wild and have fun with it.

Since ancient times, there has been an aesthetic in Asia that finds meaning in blank spaces.

If you want a more substantial story, I recommend the novel version, which probably has what you want. It is available for Kindle.

At the end

Balan Wonderworld is a game designed to grow with the player the more time they spend playing.

Despite its gorgeous visuals, the reality of the story is deep and Yuji Naka's philosophy shines through, making it a masterpiece that can be called a compilation of his work.

At first, you may find some scenes difficult or the system annoying. However, they all have a meaning and will make sense as you continue to play.

Balan is built on a very complete system.

EVERY MOMENT IS AN ADVENTURE... This tagline is true.

But the fact is that Balan is a very peaky game. But that's also true for Sonic and NiGHTS.

If you have enjoyed Yuji Naka's past works, you will surely understand the quality of Balan. I recommend that you take the time to face this game first without any preconceived notions.

Now that I've spoken highly of Balan, I'd like to offer some criticism of the official advertising.

I think the main reason for this failure was the poor choice of stages included in the demo version, which made it difficult to convey the fun of expanding the degree of freedom by acquiring costumes, the sense of freedom, and the fun of being able to create a number of unique strategies.

As for the official SNS, rather than introducing the costumes and the storyline by themselves, the official should have done a better job of showing how they are all connected to make this game interesting.

That's how it looked from my personal point of view, but I believe that the current situation is the result of continuous failures in the area of advertising.

I'm so disappointed that this masterpiece is being buried, and I hope that the officials will have the guts to turn its reputation upside down even now.

Hopefully, this game will get the recognition it deserves. I love Balan Wonderworld.

[nerdyprocrastinator]

Shows I’m Procrastinating Watching because I Know They Will Absolutely Wreck Me

2 September 2022

Since the last post was decently serious and actually educational, I have decided to focus this post on the nerdy side of my name. These are shows that I have been procrastinating finishing either because of the discourse surrounding them or because I found out some spoilers that I truly am not ready for. While there are a lot of shows that I could talk about for this topic, I will mainly focus on the show that has basically had me in a chokehold ever since I found out about the show's ships. But, we’ll get to that part when we get there.

3. Fairy Tale

Just starting this anime is a commitment in and of itself with the show being over 500 episodes long. I have started watching the show, but I am completely terrified to try finishing it. I managed to find myself on a side of the internet that talks a lot about some plot points that happen later on in the series. While I have not seen a lot of the show or really understand the references, I know that as soon as I actually watch up to those plot points, I will be absolutely torn apart by it. I hav fallen in love with a lot of the character through what I have heard about the show and I am just not ready for the emotional toll I know that these plot points will cause me. Instead of watching the entire show, I have chosen to watch basically any other anime that I can get my hands on through Crunchyroll and other sites/apps.

2. Fate: A Winx Saga (and Winx Club Season 8)

As someone who grew up with Winx Club, and then binge-watched it in middle school, I absolutely cannot handle how much the shows changed from the original 4 seasons that went with the actual creator’s story idea. I fell in love with the characters throughout the first 4 seasons, but once the show figured out the 3D/CGI animation for half the season, the show felt like it was just going downhill. 

With the completely different art style of season 8 on Nickelodeon and its new setup for girls who are probably, like, 8, I just can’t really get into that new season. The show seems to lack the maturity that it once was gaining and actually achieved in the 4th season. This may just be a little bit of prejudice against the new look, but I just can’t handle it.

It is kind of a different story when it comes to Fate: A Winx Saga. With Fate, the creators of this version of the Winx replaced and even completely erased, some of the main characters of the original Winx show. They made a show that actually grew with its audience and forced it to go immediately into the kind of show that Riverdale is (I’m not saying there is anything wrong with Riverdale, just that Riverdale is completely different from the more daily-life fantasy adventure show that Winx was). A lot of discourse that was going on around the show when it originally aired was that it was just a normal teen drama that was using the popularity and notoriety of the Winx name to gain views. Some of my friends who have watched the show have said that it is good when you stop thinking about it as something that is connected to Winx and start thinking of it as its own separate entity. I can’t do that because I will constantly be analyzing the show and comparing it to the original show that I know and love. I just feel that they should have just created the new show without having the need to trick fans of Winx into watching a show that is majorly different from the show these fans are actually fans of.

1. RWBY

This is the show that made me actually want to write this post. When I first heard about this show, it was still on Netflix. I started watching the first few episodes, but I only got a few minutes into the first episode before I decided that it wasn’t for me back then. 

Well, years have passed and I found a compilation video on YouTube that introduced me to a very popular relationship on the show. As I watched the compilation multiple times, I fell in love with one of the characters and decided to try watching it to see if it was something that I could actually watch and stick with. Well, as the show continued, I got closer and closer to a really big scene in the 3rd season from the compilation and I just couldn’t handle the idea of watching the characters I loved continually get hurt and be in pain. 

I stopped watching for a little bit so that I could regain the courage to finish the show. During this little break, I saw another compilation that has cemented in my heart that I literally would not be able to finish the show without absolutely sobbing my eyes dry. The compilation was about the relationship in the 8th season (yes, I know it’s weird to watch a compilation of an extremely later season of a  show I didn't watch much of the first time and still planned to go back to). The scene I saw was a major character death where the “love interest” (it was kind of like a will they/won’t they love triangle type of situation) of my absolute favorite character. I already loved this character and she had been through a lot from the parts I had actually watched in the show itself and in the compilations, so seeing a character she grew extremely close to die would be too much for me to have watch her go through. Especially since I was actually also a fan of the “love interest.”

This show is on my “wait-as-long-as-possible to finish” list because I will only finish watching this show if I find a compilation that shows that the dead character actually comes back to life and the two can continue to live their lives together and happily in love.

Honorable mention to Young Justice for a very similar reason to RWBY. I am just not ready to watch the love interests of my absolute favorite characters die and then watch as my favorite characters struggle to live their lives without the ones that I believe are their absolute soulmates. 

Reach out through the comments to talk more about shows that you are absolutely procrastinating watching for whatever reasons. I’d love to hear from you guys.

[jpegjade]

Smile for the Camera - Spencer

it’s 2 days late but i havE A NEW FIC! i don’t really know what else to say this time so yeah here you go!

gender: not mentioned/neutral

type: fluff

warnings: none

______

You hoped you weren’t going to be late. There was an accident on the highway when you were on your way over to Rossi’s house and you kept praying to whatever was out there for you to make it on time. 

Pulling up to the driveway, you saw lights on in the house but the blinds were closed. so you couldn't tell if anything was happening. You heaved a big sigh and grabbed your camera bag. 

“Here we go.” You said to yourself. 

It was always a big production to go to weddings, no matter how small they are. Weddings were draining in the best ways. You loved seeing people in love but it was hard with how little was going in your life sometimes. 

You got a text from Will that read, ’Just walk straight to the backyard when you get here. That’s where we will do the ceremony.’ 

You quietly walked to the back gate and gasped. The decorations were simple but beautiful. String lights, candles, lightly decorated chairs. You felt the urge to cry coming on but you held back. You had a job to do while everyone was gone at the end of the night, then you could cry out of happiness. 

Click. One picture down. Click click. More photos loaded as you got shots in. This was the most calming moment, when there was no one around and you got to be by yourself and get your jitters out. The sound of the camera shutter was so loud in your head but so quiet when you worked. 

“Well look who it is!” A southern New Orleans accent drawled from behind you as you wrapped up shooting. 

“Wil!” You turned, opening your arms to hug your best friend’s fiance. 

You and Will had always been reasonably close because of your bonds with JJ. You didn’t meet the people in her life often but you heard stories and when Will officially came into the picture, you were in love with his chemistry with JJ. You knew this day would happen, especially after Henry, it was only a matter of time.

“Are you ready, big guy?” You asked, taking in his dapper appearance. 

He looked so nice that you knew JJ was going to cry when she saw him. Hell, you were going to cry when you see her and you get to see her before everyone else. Let’s face it… You were just going to cry over everything. Everything was cry-worthy because you knew it was all done in love. Everything here was about love.

“No. I mean yes, I get to call her my wife but I have been practicing my vows for an hour and I still don’t know what to say.” Will chucked as you smiled with him. 

“I think you’ve got it.” You comforted him. 

You were about to say something when someone yelled about JJ pulling up in the driveway. This was Will’s cue to greet JJ at the door with Henry. They arrived in separate cars so Will could get the surprise together but the ruse was that Will was picking up a specific wine as a gift to Rossi since it was his party and you always bring the party host wine. It was a ruse because in reality, Will got to Rossi’s place early to make sure that everything was up and running as smoothly as possible. 

Suddenly, a group of people came walking out of the backdoor. You started taking photos of them coming out as if they were the bridal party, the bridesmaids and groomsmen who stand on the altar with the couple, but you knew they were the guests. 

The first guy out of the door winked at you, causing you to feel your face get hot. Whenever people gave themselves attention through the camera, you felt like it was attention towards you because you were the person behind the camera. You often had to remind yourself that it’s all for the camera, not you. 

“Hey, y/n!” Emily called as she grew closer to you. She was right behind the guy so you didn’t see her until she was standing right in front of you.

“You look really nice.” You said, taking a picture of Emily. She looked slightly bashful at the sight of the camera on her but she went with it anyway. 

You met Emily before at a dinner party that JJ invited you to. Emily, JJ, and Penelope sat around JJ’s kitchen table drinking wine and JJ invited you over because she knew you could use the break to chit chat and be with people without being under pressure to mingle and make business connections like at weddings. You always thought she was a bit brash but you also appreciated how straight-forward Emily always was. 

“Thank you. Are you going to photograph the wedding?” Emily asked as you walked to the middle of the aisle together. Emily was on her way to talk to someone else in the yard and you were waiting for JJ, Will and Henry to come out the back door. 

“Yeah. Will asked me to do it. “ You smiled. 

“I know you’ll do great. You always do.” Emily was genuinely complimenting you and it was your turn to be bashful. 

Being a friend of JJ, she always had you take their family photos so she could post them to Facebook and frame them. Emily obviously saw your photos, along with JJ’s many friends and family, so she kept up with you. 

Emily walked to her seat while you noticed Rossi and JJ’s mother walking to the back door. You followed at a distance, your longest distance lens ready to capture JJ’s face. All you could see was mouths moving but you kept the camera going until it hit her. click click click clickˆ. There was the recognition on JJ’s face about what was happening. 

“Y/n!” JJ noticed you behind Rossi, who you knew as the rich older guy whose house hosted many dinner nights that you were often invited to but you were too busy with weddings and other events on the weekends to go. It was nice to actually attend for once. 

“JJ!” You said, a big smile spreading on your face. 

You can JJ hugged before her mom ushered the two of you off to a room. 

“You knew?” JJ asked as you got pictures of her and her mom getting her dressed in that gorgeous gown. 

It fit her so nicely that it was almost like it was made for JJ… Little did she know that you had a hand in making sure it was fitted to her perfectly leading up to the wedding. It was a challenge but you were able to figure out her measurements through compiling a series of images, some of her clothes, and a special 3D rendering program that Penelope helped program. It sounds easy but it was incredibly difficult to put together in a short amount of time to ensure that the dress was going to be a perfect fit.

“Kinda. It was a last minute thing, which gave me no time to spoil it.” You weren’t the best at secrets but you were by far better than Penelope. You learned that pretty soon after you met her for the first time. 

“Well, I’m glad you’re here. I wouldn’t want to be here without you.” JJ said, her mom zipping her up finally. 

You gave the two of them time alone while you went and looked for a good place to set up. You could feel the tears coming on as you closed the door to the bedroom but you took a deep breath. It was a happy day and you were just feeling overwhelmed. Weddings could be stressful and a lot to handle a lot of the time but they made you happy at the end of the day. 

As you stood in the front row, waiting for JJ to walk down the aisle, you noticed a boy out of the corner of your eye, just talking to Emily. He glanced over at you for a moment, fixing his hair, before focusing on Emily again. You wondered if he worked with JJ… 

The ceremony came and went. From JJ’s gorgeous dress under the stars to Henry and WIll looking nice and the photos of the first kiss, you couldn’t stop crying between shots. It was hard to see but thank the lord for autofocus because you wouldn’t be able to nail the manual focus through your tears. You had never seen her so happy, other than when you saw her in the hospital holding Henry for the first time, so this was an amazing occasion. You missed being a guest for a special moment like this but you would be sobbing if you weren’t doing a job. 

As JJ, Will and Henry walked inside for a little bit for a private moment after the ceremony, you were left outside by yourself as everyone started to mingle. Out of sheer anxiety, you flipped through your preview screen with all of your shots on your camera. With JJ inside, Penelope at the snack table, and Emily dancing with a tall, commanding man with dark hair, you were left not knowing anyone. 

You decided to go sit down at a table and take a break when you heard Henry’s laugh. Looking up, you noticed the cute guy doing magic tricks with Henry over by the table. You couldn’t help but stare at the two of them, a pang in your heart. 

With all of your friends getting married or engaged, you found yourself getting lonlier. They were all pairing off and getting on with their lives while you were committed to your job. That was perfectly fine but your photos couldn’t talk back to you when you were alone at night, needing an emotional connection. 

Click. Click. Click. You took more shots of Henry smiling from afar, pausing to look at the previews, before you went inside to get something to drink. If anyone needed a shot right now, it was you.

Two shots in, you heard a door closing behind you. 

“You should say hi to him.” JJ said, smiling. 

Instinctively, she was playing with her wedding ring. It was a foreign object on her hand so of course she would play with it between her fingers. 

“I should not do that. I’m here to work.” You smiled back. 

The smile was a little bit forced because you had this conversation with JJ before. You see a cute person and JJ encourages you to go for it. You shoot her down and tell her all the reasons it wouldn’t work out. The two of you laugh about it and move on. 

“Spence is a nice guy.” JJ chuckled, looking out to the backyard. 

“His name is Spence?” You asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Spencer Reid is his name.” JJ corrected. “But I’ve always called him Spence when no one would give him a nickname when he first got to the BAU.” 

“Oh, that’s cute.” You said, distractedly. 

Looking over at Spencer, he was still playing with Henry. Another magic trick that piqued your interest as you tried to see how he did it. He was just too smooth because you couldn’t see the switcheroo moment. 

“Go, talk to him! Take a break for a little bit. You’ve been working this entire time and I know the shots aren’t going to cure the lonely feeling.” JJ said, a soft smile on her face. 

You thought about it for a second, slowly feeling the effects of the shots flowing to your head. It wasn’t enough to knock you off balance but enough to loosen you up a little bit. 

“I just might.” You said, your resolve hitting you. 

JJ smiled at you as you went outside to where Spencer sat. One. Two. One. Two. You counted your steps, looking down at your feet as you felt the nerves threatening to come back up. Where was the confidence you felt a minute ago? You could do this. 

Just when you were about to open your mouth, Henry spotted you and came running up to hold your leg. 

“Y/N!” He yelled, looking up at you. 

In the second you paused to gain your balance and look down at Henry, you looked back up to see Spencer talking to the guy that winked at your camera in the beginning of the wedding. They seemed to be talking about something serious so you gave up and decided to dance with Henry. 

“Hey buddy, will you dance with me?” You asked Henry, who was still clinging to your leg. You took your camera from it’s resting place on your chest and placed it in your shoulder bag. 

Henry nodded his head and the two of you went out to the dance floor, him holding onto your hands and swaying off tempo. You were looking at Henry, who occasionally let go of your hand to push the hair out of his face, and sneaking glances at Spencer, who was starting to look deflated in his conversation. You wondered what he was talking about that made him deflate at a wedding. 

“Mind if I cut in?” Will’s voice shook you out of your wandering thoughts about Spencer. 

“Of course. I’m sure you guys should have a family dance.” You said, stepping away. 

“I wanted to dance with you, not him.” Will chuckled.

Henry ran over to his mom, who was at the snack table with Spencer, while you and will had a dance. You didn’t even notice Spencer get up and move. 

“This is beautiful.” You said, looking around. You noticed the air get a little chilly but you were still moving so it didn’t bother you. 

“It really came together in time.” Will chuckled, knowing how much of a hassle it was to pull everything together. 

“No thanks to you, of course.” You smiled. 

Over Will’s shoulder, you could see JJ and Spencer still talking. They looked so light and fun. You wondered what they were talking about. You couldn’t see JJ’s face but Spencer was looking up at the stars until he wasn’t. Suddenly, he was making eye contact with you. 

You felt your face grow hot as you looked away, Will’s voice calling you back from your thoughts. 

“You should go talk to him. You’ll enjoy his… Quirks.” Will chuckled, continuing to sway with you. 

“Quirks, huh? He’s that bad? Maybe I shouldn’t go for it…” You said, thinking about how your previous experiences with guys with quirks landed you more single than an amoeba. 

“I think you would like him. He knows a lot about… Well everything.” He said as the song came to an end. 

“Well, I’ll see. I want to get more shots of you, JJ and Henry dancing together.” You said, grabbing your camera out of your shoulder bag and taking a few steps back to capture Will smiling. 

Click. Click. 

You checked the images and were satisfied enough to move on… Almost. 

“Can I borrow that?” Will asked, pointing to your camera. 

“For what?” You asked, genuinely curious what he could use it for at his own wedding when he literally paid you to take care of photos. 

“I want to show JJ how I see her, with the help of your camera.” Will said, dreamily as the two of you stared at JJ and Henry dancing together. 

“Okay… I don’t know what I’ll do now, though.” You nervously chuckled. 

It was a little bit deflating to give up your camera. You really wanted a reason to talk to Spencer and you typically used taking pictures of someone as an excuse to actually talk to them. Without your camera, how are you supposed to do that?

“Here, I’ll be your wingman.” Will nudged you before you could realize that Spencer was walking toward the two of you. 

Before you had time to react, Will put the camera up to his face and started taking pictures.

“This is harder than I expected…” Will muttered, watching you smile. 

“What’s hard?” Spencer asked, standing arms length away from you. 

The three of you stood in a triangle, staring at each other for a moment. You felt naked and defenseless against the situation without your camera. Will was trying to understand it before he went over to JJ. 

“You know, the first photo of a person was an accident. So by taking pictures of me, you’re doing more than the first technical portrait photographer was doing, in terms of effort and intention. The art of photography really is a numbers game, if you think about it. Along the x and y-axis, you’re attempting to capture a moment of time on a plane of existence that is completely irrelevant to the numbers related to the…” 

“Spence.” JJ said, seemingly coming out of nowhere. She smiled and shook her head as if the two of them went through that routine normally. 

“Related to the plane of imagery.” You mumbled, knowing you heard that from somewhere but not sure where. 

Will, JJ, and Spencer all heard you finish Spencer’s sentence, although it was natural. 

“You listened to my ted talk.” Spencer said, smiling. 

“That was you?” You asked, meeting Spencer’s eyes. They looked so pretty up close, when the light hit them a certain way. 

“Yes! It was supposed to be a regular lecture but they were trying a new format and wanted to know if I would be willing to do it that way. I didn’t mind but it was hard to…” Spencer trailed off when he looked over at JJ. 

“Will, I think we should let them work out the logistics of...cameras… While you and I hang out with Henry. The night seems to be winding down. I think there’s one song left before Rossi kicks us out.” JJ chuckled. 

Spencer shifted on his feet as JJ, Will, and your camera went to the dance floor, where Henry was talking to Emily. 

“Your name is Spencer, right?” You asked, rocking on the heels of your shoes. 

“Dr. Spencer Reid.” He said, looking at you with a small smile.

“Oh. You’re a doctor…” You said, trying to figure out how old he was. 

“I’m not that old, no. I was accelerated in my learning as a child so I finished everything earlier than expected.” He said, seemingly reading into what you were thinking. 

There was an awkward silence that fell between the two of you. You wanted to fill it so badly but you didn’t want to actually think about what to fill it with. You spent yet another night pining over a boy who wasn’t going to have any interest in you, just like every other wedding you go to. 

“So… How about those stars…” You chuckled. 

“Do you think… Maybe... Would you be interested in dancing with me?” Spencer was stumbling over his words as the last song of the night came on through the speakers. One of your favorite songs…

“Finally.” You breathed out before realizing what you said. “I mean yes, I would love to dance with you.” 

Leading you out to the empty makeshift dance floor, the music played softly in the background as Spencer slipped his hand around your waist. 

“Garcia said you would be someone nice to know.” Spencer said, swaying with you. 

“I beg to differ but I guess I shouldn’t say those things to cute boys.” 

It was different from dancing with Will. Dancing with Will was wasting time, just doing something to do it. Dancing with Spencer had a little purpose. The last song of the night wasn’t even slow but you and Spencer were the last ones on the dancefloor, just swaying in tune with one another. It was relaxing, if not excessively calming. 

“You think I’m cute?” Spencer asked, his eyebrows furrowing. 

“You don’t?” You followed up, genuinely confused at how he didn’t see it. 

“Well the term ‘cute’ cannot be scientifically described although the golden ratio is believed to…” Spencer squinted at something past your head, causing you to turn around. 

Behind the glassdoor of the house was the BAU, watching you and Spencer dance. As soon as they realized you were turning around, they all pretended to be talking to one another. It was a pretty bad attempt. 

“Do they always watch you do stuff like this?” You turned back to Spencer and he solemnly nodded. 

“That’s weird.” You said, glancing over your shoulder again. 

Half of the team was giving Spencer a thumbs up, including JJ. 

“What if we got out of here?” Spencer said, looking down at you. 

“Hmm?” You asked, looking at his eyes. You noticed they were warm and inviting, soft even. 

“You and I could get out of here. Get coffee, maybe?” He smiled slightly. It looked a little forced but that could be because he was nervous. 

“RIght now?” You asked, lifting your arm as he slowly spun you around. 

“RIght now. If that’s okay with you. If not, that’s fine. I get it. It’s like…” Spencer was still going when you cut him off. 

“Let’s get out of here.” You said, “I don’t want the night to end with a last dance like this.”

[suckmykawaiidesu]

Compilation of Nessian Moments:  ‘A Court of Wings and Ruin ’ Edition

Hello loves! ♥️

I recently asked for a compilation list of Nessian moments and there doesn’t seems to be one so I decided to hurriedly put one together before the release of “A Court of Silver Flames”. I have probably missed some scenes but these are the ones that I came across during my re-read. I will be making a post for each book and will link them once available:

A Court of Mist and Fury

ACOMAF Target Exclusive Story uploaded by bookofademigod

A Court of Frost and Starlight

Sneak Peak at the end of A Court of Frost and Starlight

A Court of Wings and Ruin

Chapter 15

Nesta had been beautiful as a human woman. As High Fae, she was devastating. From the utter stillness with which Cassian stood beside me, I wondered if he thought the same thing. She was in a pewter-colored gown, its make simple, yet the material fine. Her hair was braided over the crown of her head, accentuating her long, pale neck—a neck Cassian’s eyes darted to, then quickly away from, as she sized us up and said to me, “You’re back.” With her hair styled like that, it hid the pointed ears. But there was nothing to hide the ethereal grace as she took one step. As her focus again returned to Cassian and she added,

“What do you want?”

But Cassian sauntered over to Nesta, a half smile spreading across his face. She stood stiffly while he picked up the book, read the title, and chuckled. “I wouldn’t have pegged you for a romance reader.” She gave him a withering glare. “And, again, why are you here?” She snatched her book from Cassian, who allowed her to do so, but remained standing beside her. Watching every breath, every blink. “Elain’s mate is here,” I said. And it was the wrong thing to utter in Nesta’s presence. She went white with rage. “He is no such thing to her,” she snarled, advancing on me enough that Rhys slid a shield into place between us. As if he, too, had glimpsed that mighty power in her eyes that day in Hybern. And did not know how it would manifest.

“If you bring that male anywhere near her, I’ll—”

“You’ll what?” Cassian crooned, trailing her at a casual pace as she stopped perhaps five feet from me. He lifted a brow as she whirled on him. “You won’t join me for practice, so you sure as hell aren’t going to hold your own in a fight. You won’t talk about your powers, so you certainly aren’t going to be able to wield them. And you—” “Shut your mouth,” she snapped, every inch the conquering empress. “I told you to stay the hell away from me, and if you—” “You come between a male and his mate, Nesta Archeron, and you’re going to learn about the consequences the hard way.” Nesta’s nostrils flared. Cassian only gave her a crooked grin.

Nesta only shook her head, turning toward the chair and her book. “I don’t care. Do what you want.” A stinging dismissal, if not admission that she still trusted me enough to consider Elain’s needs first. Rhys jerked his chin at Cassian in a silent order to leave, and as I followed them, I said softly, “I’m sorry, Nesta.” She didn’t answer as she sat stiffly in her chair, picked up her book, and dutifully ignored us. A blow to the face would have been better. When I looked ahead, I found Cassian staring back at Nesta as well. I wondered why no one had yet mentioned what now shone in Cassian’s eyes as he gazed at my sister. The sorrow. And the longing

Chapter 16 I cringed. “I guarantee Nesta is now guarding Elain. I think she might honestly kill him if he so much as tries to touch her.” “Not without training she won’t,” Cassian grumbled, tucking in his wings as he claimed the seat beside Mor that Azriel had vacated. The shadowsinger didn’t so much as look at it. No, Azriel just walked to the wall beside Cassian and leaned against the wood paneling. But Rhys and the others remained quiet enough that I knew to proceed carefully as I asked Cassian, “Nesta spoke as if you’ve been up at the House … often. You’ve offered to train her?” Cassian’s hazel eyes shuttered as he crossed a booted ankle over another, stretching his muscled legs before him. “I go up there every other day. It’s good exercise for my wings.” Those wings shifted in emphasis. Not a scratch marred them. “And?” “And what you saw in the library is a pleasanter version of the conversation we always have.” Mor’s lips pressed into a thin line, as if she was trying her best not to say anything. Azriel was trying his best to shoot a warning stare at Mor to remind her to indeed keep her mouth shut. As if they’d already discussed this. Many times. “I don’t blame her,” Cassian said, shrugging despite his words. “She was—violated. Her body stopped belonging wholly to her.” His jaw clenched. Even Amren didn’t dare say anything. “And I am going to peel the King of Hybern’s skin off his bones the next time I see him.”

Chapter 17 Not that there was much finery to bother with. I’d opted for my Illyrian leather pants and a loose, white shirt—and a pair of embroidered slippers that Cassian kept snorting at as we flew. When he did so for the third time in two minutes, I pinched his arm and said, “It’s hot. Those boots are stuffy.” His brows rose, the portrait of innocence. “I didn’t say anything.” “You grunted. Again.” “I’ve been living with Mor for five hundred years. I’ve learned the hard way not to question shoe choices.” He smirked. “However stupid they may be.” “It’s dinner. Unless there’s some battle planned afterward?” “Your sister will be there—I’d say that’s battle aplenty.” I casually studied his face, noting how hard he worked to keep his features neutral, to keep his gaze fixed anywhere but on my own. Rhys flew nearby, far enough to remain out of earshot as I said, “Would you use her to see if she can somehow fix the wall?” Hazel eyes shot to me, fierce and clear. “Yes. Not only for our sakes, but … she needs to get out of the House. She needs to …” Cassian’s wings kept up a steady booming beat, the new sections only detectable by their lack of scarring. “She’ll destroy herself if she stays cooped up in there.” My chest tightened. “Do …” I thought through my words. “The day she was changed, she … I felt something different with her.” I fought against the tensing in my muscles as I recalled those moments. The screaming and the blood and the nausea as I watched my sisters taken against their will, as I could do nothing, as we— I swallowed down the fear, the guilt. “It was like … everything she was, that steel and fire … It became magnified. Cataclysmic. Like … looking at a house cat and suddenly finding a panther standing there instead.” I shook my head, as if it would clear away the memory of the predator, the rage simmering in those blue-gray eyes. “I will never forget those moments,” Cassian said quietly, scenting or sensing the memories wreaking havoc on me. “As long as I live.” “Have you seen any glimpse of it since?” “Nothing.” The House loomed, golden lights at the walls of windows and doorways beckoning us closer. “But I can feel it—sometimes.” He added a bit ruefully, “Usually when she’s pissed at me. Which is … most of the time.” “Why?” They’d always been at each other’s throats, but this … yes, the dynamic between them had been different earlier. Sharper. Cassian shook his dark hair out of his eyes, slightly longer than the last time I’d seen it. “I don’t think Nesta will ever forgive me for what happened in Hybern. To her—but mostly to Elain.” “Your wings were shredded. You were barely alive.” For that was guilt—ravaging and poisonous—in each of Cassian’s words. What the others had been fighting against in the loft. “You were in no position to save anyone.” “I made her a promise.” The wind ruffled Cassian’s hair as he squinted at the sky. “And when it mattered, I didn’t keep it.” I still dreamed of him trying to crawl toward her, reaching for her even in the semiunconscious state the pain and blood loss had thrown him into. As Rhysand had once done for me during those last moments with Amarantha. Perhaps only a few wing beats separated us from the broad landing veranda, but I asked, “Why do you bother, Cassian?” His hazel eyes shuttered as we smoothly landed. And I thought he wouldn’t answer, especially not as we heard the others already in the dining room beyond the veranda, especially not when Rhys gracefully landed beside us and strode in ahead with a wink. But Cassian said quietly as we headed for the dining room, “Because I can’t stay away.”

Chapter 17 His focus shifted behind me before he replied—and Lucien shut his mouth. His metal eye whirred softly. I followed his glance, and tried not to tense as Nesta stepped into the room. Yes, devastating was a good word for how lovely she’d become as High Fae. And in a long-sleeved, dark blue gown that clung to her curves before falling gracefully to the ground in a spill of fabric … Cassian looked like someone had punched him in the gut.

Chapter 19 Something drew Cassian’s attention behind me. And even as his body remained casual, a predatory gleam flickered in his eyes. I didn’t need to turn to know who was standing there. “Care to join?” Cassian purred. Nesta said, “It doesn’t look like you’re exercising anything other than your mouths.” I looked over my shoulder. My sister was in a dress of pale blue that turned her skin golden, her hair swept up, her back a stiff column. I scrambled to say something, to apologize, but … not in front of him. She wouldn’t want this conversation in front of Cassian. Cassian extended a wrapped hand, his fingers curling in a come-hither motion. “Scared?” I wisely kept my mouth shut as Nesta stepped from the open doorway into the blinding light of the courtyard. “Why should I be scared of an oversized bat who likes to throw temper tantrums?” I choked, and Cassian shot me a warning glare, daring me to laugh. But I felt for that bond in my mind, lowering my mental shields enough to say to Rhysand, wherever he was in the city, Please come spare me from Cassian and Nesta’s bickering. A heartbeat later, Rhys crooned, Regretting becoming High Lady? I savored that voice—that humor. But I shoved that simmering panic down again as I countered, Is this part of my duties? A sensual, dark laugh. Why do you think I was so desperate for a partner? I’ve had almost five centuries to deal with this alone. It’s only fair you have to endure it now. Cassian was saying to Nesta, “Seems like you’re a little on edge, Nesta. And you left so abruptly last night … Any way I can help ease that tension?”

Chapter 22 The Carver purred to Cassian, “If I tell you a secret, warrior-heart, what will you give me?” Neither of us spoke. Carefully—we’d have to phrase and do this so carefully. The Carver stroked the shard of bone in his palm, attention fixed upon a stone-faced Cassian. “What if I tell you what the rock and darkness and sea beyond whispered to me, Lord of Bloodshed? How they shuddered in fear, on that island across the sea. How they trembled when she emerged. She took something—something precious. She ripped it out with her teeth.” Cassian’s golden-brown face had drained of color, his wings tucking in tight. “What did you wake that day in Hybern, Prince of Bastards?” My blood went cold. “What came out was not what went in.” A rasping laugh as the Carver laid the shard of bone on the ground beside him. “How lovely she is—new as a fawn and yet ancient as the sea. How she calls to you. A queen, as my sister once was. Terrible and proud; beautiful as a winter sunrise.” Rhys had warned me of the inmates’ capacity to lie, to sell anything, to get free. “Nesta,” the Bone Carver murmured. “Nes-ta.” I squeezed Cassian’s hand. Enough. It was enough of this teasing and taunting. But he didn’t look at me. “How the wind moans her name. Can you hear it, too? Nesta. Nesta. Nesta.” I wasn’t sure Cassian was breathing. “What did she do, drowning in the ageless dark? What did she take?” It was the bite in the last word that snapped my tether of restraint. “If you wish to find out, perhaps you should stop talking long enough for us to explain.” My voice seemed to shake Cassian free of whatever trance he’d been in. His breathing surged, tight and fast, and he scanned my face—apology in his eyes.

Chapter 23 “Would you be frightened of her, if Nesta was—Death? Or if her power came from it?” Cassian was quiet for a long moment. He said at last, “I’m a warrior. I’ve walked beside Death my entire life. I would be more afraid for her, to have that power. But not afraid of her.” He considered, and added after a heartbeat, “Nothing about Nesta could frighten me.”

Chaper 24 Mercifully, or perhaps not, Nesta’s retching filled the silence. Cassian gaped at Rhys. “What did you do?” “I asked him the same thing,” I said, crossing my arms. “He said he ‘went fast.’ ” Nesta vomited again—then silence. Cassian sighed at the ceiling. “She’ll never fly again.” The doorknob twisted, and we tried—or at least Cassian and I did—not to seem like we’d been listening to her. Nesta’s face was still greenish-pale, but … Her eyes burned. There was no way of describing that burning—and even painting it might have failed. Her eyes remained the same blue-gray as my own. And yet … Molten ore was all I could think of. Quicksilver set aflame. She advanced a step toward us. All her attention fixed on Rhys. Cassian casually stepped in her path, wings folded in tight. Feet braced apart on the carpet. A fighting stance—casual, but … his Siphons glimmered. “Do you know,” Cassian drawled to her, “that the last time I got into a brawl in this house, I was kicked out for a month?” Nesta’s burning gaze slid to him, still outraged—but hinted with incredulity. He just went on, “It was Amren’s fault, of course, but no one believed me. And no one dared banish her.” She blinked slowly. But the burning, molten gaze became mortal. Or as mortal as one of us could be. Until Lucien breathed, “What are you?” Cassian didn’t seem to dare take his focus off Nesta. 

Chapter 27 Cassian had stationed himself by the doorway, I realized, to be closer to Nesta. To grab her if Amren decided she didn’t particularly care for where this conversation was headed. Or for any of the furniture in this room. Precisely why Rhys now placed himself on Amren’s other side—to draw her attention away from me, and Mor behind us, every muscle in her lithe body on alert. Cassian was staring at Nesta—hard enough that my sister at last twisted toward him. Met his gaze. His head tilted—slightly. A silent order.

Cassian casually slid Nesta behind him, his fingers snagging in the skirts of her black gown. As if to reassure himself that she wasn’t in Amren’s direct path. Nesta only rose onto her toes to peer over his shoulder.

Chapter 30 Both males went a bit still. But Azriel sketched a bow—while Cassian stalked for the dining table, reached right over Nesta’s shoulder, and grabbed a muffin from its little basket. “Morning, Nesta,” he said around a mouth of blueberry-lemon. “Elain.”

Cassian finished the muffin, licking his fingers. I could have sworn Nesta watched the entire thing with a sidelong glance. He grinned at her as if he knew it, too. “Ready for some flying, Nes?” “Don’t call me that.” The wrong thing to say, from the way Cassian’s eyes lit up. I chose that moment to winnow to the skies above the House, chuckling as wind carried me through the world. Some sisterly payback, I supposed. For Nesta’s general attitude. Mercifully, no one saw my slightly better crash landing on the veranda, and by the time Cassian’s dark figure appeared in the sky, Nesta’s hair bright as bronze in the morning sun, I’d brushed off the dirt and dust from my leathers. My sister’s face was wind-flushed as Cassian gently set her down. Then she strode for the glass doors without a single look back. “You’re welcome,” Cassian called after her, more than a bite to his voice. His hands clenched and slackened at his sides—as if he were trying to loosen the feel of her from his palms.

Chapter 31 In the terrible silence, Cassian hauled me out—toward the dim center of the pit. Nesta was standing there, arms around herself, eyes wide. Cassian only stretched out an arm for her. As if in a trance, she walked right to his side. His arms tightened around both of us, Siphons flaring, gilding the darkness with bloodred light.

Chapter 32 I wondered what had happened in those initial moments, when he’d found my sister. As if he’d read my thoughts, Rhys sent the image to me, no doubt courtesy of Cassian. Panic—and rage. That was all he knew as he shot down into the heart of the pit, spearing for that ancient darkness that had once shaken him to his very marrow. Nesta was there—and Feyre. It was the former he saw first, stumbling out of the dark, wide-eyed, her fear a tang that whetted his rage into something so sharp he could barely think, barely breathe— She let out a small, animal sound—like some wounded stag—as she saw him. As he landed so hard his knees popped. He said nothing as Nesta launched herself toward him, her dress filthy and disheveled, her arms stretching for him. He opened his own for her, unable to stop his approach, his reaching— She gripped his leathers instead. “ Feyre,” she rasped, pointing behind her with a free hand, shaking him solidly with the other. Strength—such untapped strength in that slim, beautiful body. “Hybern.” That was all he needed to hear. He drew his sword—then Rhys was arrowing for them, his power like a gods-damned volcanic eruption. Cassian charged ahead into the gloom, following the screaming—

Chapter 39 But Nesta was glancing between us all, her back still stiff, mouth a thin line. “Where is he?” “Who?” Rhys crooned. “Cassian.” I didn’t think I’d ever heard his name from her lips. Cassian had always been him or that one. And Nesta had been … pacing in the foyer. As if she was worried. I opened my mouth, but Mor beat me to it. “He’s busy.” I’d never heard her voice so … sharp. Icy. Nesta held Mor’s stare. Her jaw tightened, then relaxed, then tightened—as if fighting some battle to keep questions in. Mor didn’t drop her gaze. Mor had never seemed ruffled by mention of Cassian’s past lovers. Perhaps because they’d never meant much—not in the ways that counted. But if the Illyrian warrior no longer stood as a physical and emotional buffer between her and Azriel … And worse, if the person who caused that vacancy was Nesta … Mor said flatly, “When he gets back, keep your forked tongue behind your teeth.” My heart leaped into a furious beat, my arms slack at my sides at the insult, the threat. But Rhys said, “Mor.” She slowly—so slowly—looked at him. There was nothing but uncompromising will in Rhys’s face. “We now leave for the meeting in three days. Send out dispatches to the other High Lords to inform them. And I’m done debating where to meet. Pick a place and be done with it.” She stared him down for a heartbeat, then dragged her gaze back to my sister. Nesta’s face had not altered, the coldness limning it unbending. She was so still she seemed to barely be breathing. But she did not balk. She did not avert her eyes from the Morrigan. Mor vanished with hardly a blink. Nesta only turned and headed for the sitting room, where I noticed books had been laid on the low-lying table before the hearth.

Behind us, Amren murmured to Nesta, “Cassian has gone to war many times, girl. He isn’t general of Rhys’s forces for nothing. This battle was a skirmish compared to what lies ahead. He’s likely visiting the families of the fallen as we speak. He’ll be back before the meeting.” Nesta said, “I don’t care.”

Chapter 42 Nesta only lifted her chin. “I …” I’d never seen her stumble for words. “I do not want to be remembered as a coward.” “No one would say that,” I offered quietly. “I would.” Nesta surveyed us all, her gaze jumping past Cassian. Not to slight him, but… avoid answering the look he was giving her. Approval—more. “It was some distant thing,” she said. “War. Battle. It … it’s not anymore. I will help, if I can. If it means …telling them what happened.”

Mor sagged a bit, jewelry glinting with the movement, and went to take Cassian’s arm. But he’d at last approached Nesta. And as the world began to turn to shadows and wind, I saw Cassian tower over my sister, saw her chin lift defiantly, and heard him growl, “Hello, Nesta.” Rhys seemed to halt his winnowing as my sister said, “So you’re alive.” Cassian bared his teeth in a feral grin, wings flaring slightly. “Were you hoping otherwise?” Mor was watching—watching so closely, every muscle tense. She again reached for his arm, but Cassian angled out of reach, not tearing his eyes from Nesta’s blazing gaze. Nesta blurted, “You didn’t come to—” She stopped herself. The world seemed to go utterly still at that interrupted sentence, nothing and no one more so than Cassian. He scanned her face as if furiously reading some battle report. Mor just watched as Cassian took Nesta’s slim hand in his own, interlacing their fingers. As he folded in his wings and blindly reached his other hand back toward Mor in a silent order to transport them. Cassian’s eyes did not leave Nesta’s; nor did hers leave his. There was no warmth, no tenderness on either of their faces. Only that raging intensity, that blend of contempt and understanding and fire. Rhys began to winnow us again, and just as the dark wind swept in, I heard Cassian say to Nesta, his voice low and rough, “The next time, Emissary, I’ll come say hello.”

Chapter 44 “You’re insane,” I breathed to Tamlin as Varian bared his teeth. “Do you hear what you’re saying?” I pointed toward Nesta. “Hybern turned my sisters into Fae—after your bitch of a priestess sold them out!” “Perhaps Ianthe’s mind was already in Rhysand’s thrall. And what a tragedy to remain young and beautiful. You’re a good actress—I’m sure the trait runs in the family.” Nesta let out a low laugh. “If you want someone to blame for all of this,” she said to Tamlin, “perhaps you should first look in the mirror.” Tamlin snarled at her. Cassian snarled right back, “Watch it.” Tamlin looked between my sister and Cassian—his gaze lingering on Cassian’s wings, tucked in behind him. Snorted. “Seems like other preferences run in the Archeron family, too.”

Chapter 45 Rhys lifted a brow. “Your staggering generosity aside, will you be joining our forces?” “I have not yet decided.” Eris went so far as to give his father a look bordering on reproach. From genuine alarm or for what that refusal might mean for our own covert alliance, I couldn’t tell. “Armies take time to raise,” Cassian said. “You don’t have the luxury of sitting on your ass. You need to rally your soldiers now.” Beron only sneered. “I don’t take orders from the bastards of lesser fae whores.” My heartbeat was so wild I could hear it in every corner of my body, feel it pounding in my arms, my gut. But it was nothing compared to the wrath on Cassian’s face—or the icy rage on Azriel’s and Rhys’s. And the disgust on Mor’s. “That bastard,” Nesta said with utter coolness, though her eyes began to burn, “may wind up being the only person standing in the way of Hybern’s forces and your people.” She didn’t so much as look at Cassian as she said it. But he stared at her—as if he’d never seen her before.

Chapter 47 Helion paused his debating the wall to survey her carefully, as he had done earlier. Spell-Cleaver. That was his title. She surveyed him with her usual disdain. But Helion gave her the same bow he’d offered me—though his smile was edged with enough sensuality that even my heart raced a bit. No wonder the Lady of Autumn hadn’t stood a chance. “I don’t think we were introduced properly earlier,” he crooned to Nesta. “I’m—” “I don’t care,” Nesta said with a snap of her wrist, striding right past him and up to my side. “I’d like a word,” she said. “Now.” Cassian was biting his knuckle to keep from laughing—at the utter surprise and shock on Helion’s face. It wasn’t every day, I supposed, that anyone of either sex dismissed him so thoroughly. I threw the High Lord a semi-apologetic glance and led my sister out of the room. “What is it?” I asked when Nesta and I had entered her bedroom, the space bedecked in pink silk and gold, accents of ivory scattered throughout. The lavishness of it indeed put our various homes to shame. “We need to leave,” Nesta said. “Right now.” Every sense went on alert. “Why?” “It feels wrong. Something feels wrong.” I studied her, the clear sky beyond the towering, drape-framed windows. “Rhys and the others would sense it. You’re likely just picking up on all the power gathered here.” “Something is wrong,” Nesta insisted. “I���m not doubting you feel that way but … If none of the others are picking it up—” “I am not like the others.” Her throat bobbed. “We need to leave.” “I can send you back to Velaris, but we have things to discuss here—” “I don’t care about me, I—” The door opened, and Cassian stalked in, face grave. The sight of the wings, the Illyrian armor in this opulent, pink-filled room planted itself in my mind, the painting already taking form, as he said, “What’s wrong.” He studied every inch of her. As if there were nothing and no one else here, anywhere. But I said, “She senses something is off—says we need to leave right away.” I waited for the dismissal, but Cassian angled his head. “What, precisely, feels wrong?” Nesta stiffened, mouth pursing as she weighed his tone. “It feels like there’s this …dread. This sense that … that I forgot something but can’t remember what.” Cassian stared at her for a moment longer. “I’ll tell Rhys.” And he did.

Chapter 48 Nesta let out a breathy, sharp noise and surged from her chair. I lunged for her, nearly tripping over the skirts of my dress as she staggered back, a hand clutching at her chest. Another step would have taken her stumbling into the reflection pool, but Mor sprang forward, gripping her. “What’s wrong?” Mor demanded, holding my sister upright as her face contorted in what looked to be—pain. Confusion and pain. Sweat beaded on Nesta’s brow, though her face went deathly pale. “Something …” The word was cut off by a low groan. She sagged, and Mor caught her fully, scanning Nesta’s face. Cassian was instantly there, his hand at her back, teeth bared at the invisible threat.

Chapter 49 Nesta smoothed a hand down her dark dress. “What do I do now?” A purpose, I realized. Assigning her the task of finding a way to repair the holes in the wall … it had given my sister what perhaps our human lives had never granted her: a bearing. “You come with us—to Graysen’s estate, and then travel with the army. If you’re connected with the Cauldron, then we’ll need you close. Need you to tell us if it’s being wielded again.” Not quite a mission, but Nesta nodded all the same. Right as Cassian clapped Rhys on the shoulder and prowled toward us. He paused a foot away, and frowned. “Dresses aren’t good for flying, ladies.” Nesta didn’t reply. He lifted a brow. “No barking and biting today?” But Nesta didn’t rise to meet him, her face still drained and sallow. “I’ve never worn pants,” was all she said. I could have sworn concern flashed across Cassian’s features. But he brushed it aside and drawled, “I have no doubt you’d start a riot if you did.” No reaction. Had the Cauldron— Cassian stepped in Nesta’s path when she tried to walk past him. Put a tan, callused hand on her forehead. She shook off the touch, but he gripped her wrist, forcing her to meet his stare. “Any one of those human pricks makes a move to hurt you,” he breathed, “and you kill them.” He wouldn’t be coming—no, he’d be mustering the full might of the Illyrian legions. Azriel would be joining us, though. Cassian pressed one of his knives into Nesta’s hand. “Ash can kill you now,” he said with lethal quiet as she stared down at the blade. “A scratch can make you queasy enough to be vulnerable. Remember where the exits are in every room, every fence and courtyard— mark them when you go in, and mark how many men are around you. Mark where Rhys and the others are. Don’t forget that you’re stronger and faster. Aim for the soft parts,” he added, folding her fingers around the hilt. “And if someone gets you into a hold …” My sister said nothing as Cassian showed her the sensitive areas on a man. Not just the groin, but the inside of the foot, pinching the thigh, using her elbow like a weapon. When he finished, he stepped back, his hazel eyes churning with some emotion I couldn’t place. Nesta surveyed the fine dagger in her hand. Then lifted her head to look at him. “I told you to come to training,” Cassian said with a cocky grin, and strode off. I studied Nesta, the dagger, her quiet, still face. “Don’t even start,” she warned me, and headed for the stairs.

Chapter 51 On and on they went, until Devlon looked over Rhys’s shoulder—to where we stood. A scowl at Mor. A frown at me—wisely subdued. Then he noticed Nesta. “What is that,” Devlon asked. Nesta merely stared at him, one hand clamping the edges of her gray cloak together at her chest. One of the other camp-lords made some sign against evil. “That,” Cassian said too quietly, “is none of your concern.” “Is she a witch.” I opened my mouth, but Nesta said flatly, “Yes.” And I watched as nine full-grown, weathered Illyrian warlords flinched. “She may act like one sometimes,” Cassian clarified, “but no—she is High Fae.” “She is no more High Fae than we are,” Devlon countered.

Chapter 56 But Nesta had jolted to her feet, staring at Cassian, at the helmet he had tucked into the crook of his arm, the weapons still poking above his shoulder, in need of cleaning. His dark hair hung limp with sweat, his face was mud-splattered where even the helmet had not kept it out. But she surveyed his seven Siphons, the dim red stones. And then she said, “You’re hurt.” Rhys snapped to attention at that. Cassian’s face was grim—his eyes glassy. “It’s fine.” Even the words were laced with exhaustion. But she reached for his arm—his shield arm. Cassian seemed to hesitate, but offered it to her, tapping the Siphon atop his palm. The armor slid back a fraction over his forearm, revealing— “You know better than to walk around with an injury,” Rhys said a bit tensely. “I was busy,” Cassian said, not taking his focus off Nesta as she studied the swollen wrist. How she’d detected it through the armor … She must have read it in his eyes, his stance. I hadn’t realized she’d been observing the Illyrian general enough to notice his tells. “And it’ll be fixed by morning,” Cassian added, daring Rhys to say otherwise. But Nesta’s pale fingers gently probed his golden-brown skin, and he hissed through his teeth. “How do I fix it?” she asked. Her hair had been tied in a loose knot atop her head earlier in the day, and in the hours that we’d worked to ready and distribute supplies to the healers, through the heat and humidity, stray tendrils had come free to curl about her temple, her nape. Faint color had stained her cheeks from the sun, and her forearms, bare beneath the sleeves she’d rolled up, were flecked with mud. Cassian slowly sat on the log where she’d been perched a moment before, groaning softly—as if even that movement taxed him. “Icing it usually helps, but wrapping it will just lock it in place long enough for the sprain to repair itself—” She reached for the basket of bandages she’d been preparing, then for the pitcher at her feet. I was too tired to do anything other than watch as she washed his wrist, his hand, her own fingers gentle. Too tired to ask if she possessed the magic to heal it herself. Cassian seemed too weary to speak as well while she wrapped bandages around his wrist, only grunting to confirm if it was too tight or too loose, if it helped at all. But he watched her— didn’t take his eyes off her face, the brows bunched and lips pursed in concentration. And when she’d tied it neatly, his wrist wrapped in white, when Nesta made to pull back, Cassian gripped her fingers in his good hand. She lifted her gaze to his. “Thank you,” he said hoarsely. Nesta did not yank her hand away. Did not open her mouth for some barbed retort. She only stared and stared at him, at the breadth of his shoulders, even more powerful in that beautiful black armor, at the strong column of his tan neck above it, his wings. And then at his hazel eyes, still riveted to her face. Cassian brushed a thumb down the back of her hand. Nesta opened her mouth at last, and I braced myself— “You’re hurt?” At the sound of Mor’s voice, Cassian snatched his hand back and pivoted toward Mor with a lazy smile. “Nothing for you to cry over, don’t worry.” Nesta dragged her stare from his face—down to her now-empty hand, her fingers still curled as if his palm lay there. Cassian didn’t look at Nesta as she rose, snatching up the pitcher, and muttered something about getting more water from inside the tent. Cassian and Mor fell into their banter, laughing and taunting each other about the battle and the ones ahead. Nesta didn’t come back out again for some time.

Chapter 56

Nesta did not flinch at the clash and din of battle. She only stared toward one blackarmored figure, leading the lines, his occasional order to push or to hold that flank barking across the battle.

Chapter 57 Nesta laid a hand against her bare, rain-slick throat. Cassian began another assault on a Hybern captain—slower this time than he’d been. Now. I had to go now—quickly. I took a step away from the outlook. My sister narrowed her brows at me. “You’re leaving?” “I’ll be back soon,” was all I said. I didn’t dare wonder how much of our army would be left when I did. By the time I strode away, Nesta had already faced the battle once more, rain plastering her hair to her head. Resuming her unending vigil of the general battling on the valley floor below.

Chapter 61 I squinted at the watery light—the very last before true dark. When my vision adjusted… Nesta stood by the nearest tent, an empty water bucket between her feet. Her hair a damp mess atop her mud-flecked head. Watching us emerge, grim-faced— “He’s fine. Healed and awake,” I said quickly. Nesta’s shoulders sagged a bit. She’d saved me the trouble of hunting her down to ask her about tracking the Cauldron. Better to do it now, with some privacy. Especially before Amren arrived. But Mor said coldly, “Shouldn’t you be refilling that bucket?” Nesta went stiff. Sized up Mor. But Mor didn’t flinch from that look. After a moment, Nesta picked up her bucket, mud caked up to her shins, and continued on, steps squelching.

Chapter 62 Nesta still didn’t move. She could not use the bathtub, she’d told me. Because the memories it dragged up— Cassian said to her, “Nothing can harm you here.” He sucked in a breath, groaning softly, and rose to his feet. Azriel tried to stop him, but Cassian brushed him off and strode for my sister’s side. He braced a hand on the desk when he at last stopped. “Nothing can harm you,” he repeated. Nesta was still looking at him when she finally shut her eyes. I shifted, and the angle allowed me to see what I hadn’t detected before. Nesta stood before the map, a fist of bones and stones clenched over it. Cassian remained at her side—his other hand on her lower back. And I marveled at the touch she allowed—marveled at it as much as I did the mudsplattered hand she held out. The concentration that settled over her face. Her eyes shifted beneath their lids, as if scanning the world. “I don’t see anything.” “Go deeper,” Amren urged. “Find that tether between you.” She stiffened, but Cassian stepped closer, and she settled again. A minute went by. Then another. A muscle twitched on Nesta’s brow. Her hand bobbed. Her breath then came fast and hard, her lips curling back as she panted through her teeth. “Nesta,” Cassian warned.

Chapter 63 Cassian chuckled hoarsely, and looked to Nesta, who remained pale and quiet. What she’d seen, what I’d seen in her mind… The size of that army… “Eat or bed?” Cassian had asked Nesta, and I honestly couldn’t tell if he’d meant it as some invitation. I debated telling him he was in no shape. Nesta only said, “Bed.” And there was certainly no invitation in the exhausted reply.

Chapter 64 “We’ll get her back,” Cassian rasped from where he perched on the rolled arm of the chaise longue across the small sitting area, watching her carefully. Rhys, Amren, and Mor were meeting with the other High Lords, informing them what had been done. Seeing if they knew anything. Had any way of helping. Nesta lowered her hands, lifting her head. Her eyes were red-rimmed, lips thin. “No, you will not.” She pointed to the map on the table. “I saw that army. Its size, who is in it. I saw it, and there is no chance of any of you getting into its heart. Even you,” she added when Cassian opened his mouth again. “Especially not when you’re injured.”

Chapter 66 “Good,” Cassian said, glancing at Nesta. “If I end my life defending those who need it most, then I will consider it a death well spent.” Lord Devlon, for once, nodded his approval. I wondered if Cassian noticed it—if he cared. His face revealed nothing, not as his focus remained wholly on my sister.

Chapter 69 During the brief midday break in a large meadow, Nesta and I climbed inside one of the supply caravan’s covered wagons to change into Illyrian fighting leathers. When we emerged, Nesta even buckled a knife at her side. Cassian had insisted, yet he’d admitted that since she was untrained, she was just as likely to hurt herself as she was to hurt someone else.

Chapter 70 Nesta pushed herself onto her elbows, hair shaking free of her braid, lips bloodless. She heaved into the grass. Rhys’s magic shot out of him, arcing around our entire army, his breathing a wet rasp— Nesta’s hands grappled into the grass as she lifted her head, scanning the horizon. Like she could see right to where the Cauldron was now about to be unleashed. Rhys’s power flowed and flowed out of him, bracing for impact. Azriel’s Siphons flashed, a sprawling shield of cobalt locking over Rhysand’s, his breathing just as heavy as my mate’s— And then Nesta began screaming. Not in pain. But a name. Over and over. “CASSIAN.” Amren reached for her, but Nesta roared, “CASSIAN!” She scrambled to her feet, as if she’d leap into the skies. Her body lurched, and she went down, heaving again. A figure shot from the Illyrian ranks, spearing for us, flapping hard, red Siphons blazing— Nesta moaned, writhing on the ground. The earth seemed to shudder in response. No—not in response to her. In terror of the thing that erupted from Hybern’s army. I understood why the king had claimed those rocky foothills. Not to make us charge uphill if we should push them so far. But to position the Cauldron. For it was from the rocky outcropping that a battering ram of death-white light hurled for our army. Just about level with the Illyrian legion in the sky—as the Attor’s legion dropped to the earth, and ducked for cover. Leaving the Illyrians exposed. Cassian was halfway to us when the Cauldron’s blast hit the Illyrian forces. I saw him scream—but heard nothing. The force of that power… It shredded Azriel’s shield. Then Rhysand’s. And then shredded any Siphon-made ones. It hollowed out my ears and seared my face. And where a thousand soldiers had been a heartbeat before… Ashes rained down upon our foot soldiers. Nesta had known. She gaped up at me, terror and agony on her face, then scanned the sky for Cassian, who flapped in place, as if torn between coming for us and charging back to the scattering Illyrian and Peregryn ranks. She’d known where that blast was about to hit. Cassian had been right in the center of it. Or would have been, if she hadn’t called him away. Rhys was looking at her like he knew, too. Like he didn’t know whether to scold her for the guilt Cassian would no doubt feel, or thank her for saving him. Nesta’s body went stiff again, a low moan breaking from her. I felt Rhys cast out his power—a silent warning signal. The other High Lords raised shields this time, backing the one he rallied. But the Cauldron did not hit the same spot twice. And Hybern was willing to incinerate part of his own army if it meant wiping out a strength of ours. Cassian was again hurtling for us, for Nesta sprawled on the ground, as the light and unholy heat of the Cauldron were unleashed again.

Nesta had her brow in the grass as Cassian landed so hard the ground shuddered. He was reaching for her as he panted, “What is it, what—” “It’s gone quiet again,” Nesta breathed, letting Cassian haul her into a sitting position as he scanned her face. Devastation and rage lay in his own. Did he know? That she had screamed for him, knowing he’d come… That she’d done it to save him? Rhys only ordered him, “Get back in line. The soldiers need you there.” Cassian bared his teeth. “What the hell can we do against that?”

Chapter 72 Rhys made to shoot me back down to the ground, where Amren and Elain were still waiting. Nesta said, “Wait.” Rhys obeyed. Nesta stared toward that armada, toward our father fighting in it. “Use me. As bait.” I blinked at the same moment Cassian said, “No.” Nesta ignored him. “The king is probably waiting beside that Cauldron. Even if you get there, you’ll have him to contend with. Draw him out. Draw him far away. To me.” “How,” Rhys said softly. “It goes both ways,” Nesta murmured, as if my mate’s words moments before had triggered the idea. “He doesn’t know how much I took. And if … if I make it seem like I’m about to use his power … He’ll come running. Just to kill me.” “He will kill you,” Cassian snarled. Her hand clenched on his arm. “That’s—that’s where you come in.” To guard her. Protect her. To lay a trap for the king. “No,” Rhys said. Nesta snorted. “You’re not my High Lord. I may do as I wish. And since he’ll sense that you’re with me… You need to go far away, too.” Rhys said to Cassian, “I’m not letting you throw your life away for this.” I was inclined to agree. Cassian surveyed the depleted Illyrian lines, now holding strong as Azriel rallied them. “Az has control of the lines.” “I said no,” Rhys snapped. I’d never heard him use that tone with Cassian, with any of them. Cassian said steadily, “It’s the only shot we have of a diversion. Luring him away from that Cauldron.” His hands tightened on Nesta. “You gave everything, Rhys. You went through that hell for us, for fifty years.” He’d never addressed it—not fully. “You think I don’t know what happened? I know, Rhys. We all do. And we know you did it to save us, spare us.” He shook his head, sunlight glinting off that dark, winged helmet. “Let us return the favor. Let us repay the debt.” “There is no debt to repay.” Rhys’s voice broke. The sound of it cracked my heart. Cassian’s own voice broke as he said, “I never got to repay your mother—for her kindness. Let me do it this way. Let me buy you time.” “I can’t.” I wasn’t sure if in the entire history of Illyria, there had ever been such a discussion. “You can,” Cassian said gently. “You can, Rhys.” He gave a lazy grin. “Save some of the glory for the rest of us.” “Cassian—” But Cassian asked Nesta, “Do you have what you need?” Nesta nodded. “Amren showed me enough. What to do to rally the power to me.” And if Amren and I could control the Cauldron between us… That distraction they’d offer … Nesta looked down to Elain—our sister monitoring the bloodbath ahead. Then to me. She said quietly, “Tell Father—thank you.” She wrapped her arms tightly around Cassian, those gray-blue eyes bright, then they were gone.

Chapter 74 Nesta surged to her feet, staggering across the clearing, blood at her mouth from where he’d hit her, and threw herself to her knees before Cassian. “Get up,” she sobbed, hauling at his shoulder. “Get up.” He tried—and failed. “You’re too heavy,” she pleaded, but still tried to raise him, fingers scrabbling in his black, bloodied armor. “I can’t—he’s coming—” “Go,” Cassian groaned. Her power had stopped hurling the king across the forest. He now stalked toward them, brushing off splinters and leaves from his jacket—taking his time. Knowing she would not leave. Savoring the awaiting slaughter. Nesta gritted her teeth, trying to haul Cassian up once more. A broken sound of pain ripped from him. “Go! ” he barked at her. “I can’t,” she breathed, voice breaking. “I can’t.” The same words Rhys had given him. Cassian grunted in pain, but lifted his bloodied hands—to cup her face. “I have no regrets in my life, but this.” His voice shook with every word. “That we did not have time. That I did not have time with you, Nesta.” She didn’t stop him as he leaned up and kissed her—lightly. As much as he could manage. Cassian said softly, brushing away the tear that streaked down her face, “I will find you again in the next world—the next life. And we will have that time. I promise.” The King of Hybern stepped into that clearing, dark power wafting from his fingertips. And even the Cauldron seemed to pause in surprise—surprise or some … feeling as Nesta looked at the king with death twining around his hands, then down at Cassian. And covered Cassian’s body with her own. Cassian went still— then his hand slid over her back. Together. They’d go together. I will offer you a bargain, I said to the Cauldron. I will offer you my soul. Save them. “Romantic,” the king said, “but ill-advised.” Nesta did not move from where she shielded Cassian’s body.

Chapter 80 My sister had barely spoken, barely eaten these past few days. Had not visited Cassian in his healing bed. Still had not talked to me about what had happened.

- END - 

[joachimnapoleon]

“You can never know how attached to you I am”

Today (25 March) is the shared birthday of Joachim & Caroline Murat (in 1767 & 1782, respectively), so I've put together a little something to provide some insight into their relationship. There's one period in particular during which an abundance of letters exists from Caroline to Joachim: their long separation(s) during most of 1810. 

Joachim and Caroline arrived in Paris in December of 1809; Joachim returned to Naples at the end of January 1810, but Caroline remained in Paris. When arrangements began to be made for Napoleon's wedding to Marie-Louise of Austria, the Emperor chose Caroline to go out to meet the new Empress and accompany her back to France. Joachim briefly (and reluctantly) returned to Paris for the wedding, and then left again for Naples, where he was preparing to lead an expedition to capture Sicily and unite it to the throne of Naples. Caroline did not return to Naples until August, and it was another two months until she was reunited with Joachim.

The Murats' relationship had not been harmonious since Napoleon had put them on the throne of Naples in 1808. Joachim feared being relegated into a humiliating background role like the husbands of Caroline's sisters, and did all he could to minimize his wife's role in managing the kingdom's affairs. But the Neapolitan court soon divided into pro-Italian and pro-French factions, with Joachim as the figurehead of the former, and Caroline, the latter. As Joachim found himself increasingly out of favor with Napoleon, Caroline (and her faction) gained more influence, which further strained their relationship.

During their brief stay in Paris together for Napoleon's second wedding, however, a reconciliation occurred. Shortly after Joachim's departure, Caroline began to (correctly) suspect that she was pregnant. Her letters to Joachim during this period are full of affection, but also anxiety over his Sicilian expedition, and gently-worded advice/guidance on various political matters.

There are over sixty of these letters in Volume 8 of Murat's published correspondence (it’s a one-way affair; Caroline apparently was in the habit of destroying most of her received correspondence, so unfortunately very few of Murat’s letters to her remain, and none from this period). This post is a compilation of choice excerpts from some of these letters. I wanted to showcase a little of everything here--not just the affection and sweetness, but also the politics, Caroline's anxieties, Napoleon's stubbornness (note how long it takes Caroline to actually get permission to leave Paris and return to Naples later on), the references to their children, and a touch of Caroline sniping at Joachim for his "unfairness". And also, Caroline's voice isn't heard nearly enough in narratives about her life, which tend to revolve around her betrayal of her brother. These excerpts show a side to her with which most people are totally unfamiliar.

***

Source: Lettres et documents pour servir à l'histoire de Joachim Murat, Vol 8.

***

Paris, 3 February 1810

My sorrow is very deep and I am very sad over your departure. I await your news with impatience and I hope that you will give it to me soon.... I am with the Emperor in order to not cry at finding myself far away from my children. Embrace them for me and think that there is someone at the Pavillon de Flore who is very attached to you and thinks of you often.

***

Paris, 5 February 1810

I am very impatient to receive your news, it seems to me that you don't hurry to give it to me.... I am still very sad at finding myself all alone and I envy your happiness at being with our children. Embrace them tenderly for me. The Emperor is always very good to me, he spoils me, he speaks to me often of you and seems surprised that we still don't have your news. Write me very quickly.

***

Paris, 6 February 1810

I very much regret not being with you. I weep from sadness, you can never know how attached to you I am and all the happiness that I wish for you. If you go to the provinces, watch out for those wicked Calabrians.

***

Paris, (7 or 8?) February 1810

We went to the ball at Princess Pauline's yesterday and today to the hunt, the weather was very wet and the Emperor told me: "Ah well! The Lazarone forgets you, he no longer thinks of you, he is going to be very upset, because I'm marrying an Austrian." But all this while laughing. I believe that since he is marrying an Austrian, you should not show any repugnance, because as it is neither you nor I who can decide it, that it is apparently his policy which gives him this counsel.... I hope that you will come back for the wedding and that you will bring me back to Naples to leave you no more. Embrace our children for me, don't spoil Letitia and Achille too much, consider that children are not born for our pleasure but to make them happy. Do like me, I've often deprived myself of the pleasure of seeing them, for fear of spoiling them.

Adieu, Naples; Naples, I miss you, as well as the beautiful terrace.

***

Paris, 12 February 1810

I am very sad. There is talk that I will make a great voyage. The Emperor desires that I go to Braunau to find the new Empress.... When everything is decided, I will send you an auditor to tell you the day of my departure and the time of my absence.... I write to Achille often, I hope that he makes a collection of my letters. Don't take Letitia out too much, it will hurt Achille and Lucien.

***

Paris, 24 February 1810

The evening before yesterday, I had an accident that might have become a disaster, but was nothing more than a fright.

We were playing blind man’s buff in the Emperor’s apartments, when the hard and pointy forehead of Mme Duchatel came so unfortunately against my eye that the blow tripped me over. The Emperor supported me in his arms and prevented me from falling. The pain had been so bad that I gave a sharp cry and believed my eye was out of its socket. The Emperor, full of kindness, frightened for my situation, immediately called Ivan, who bathed my eye, put a poultice and a black blindfold on it, and soon I had the air of an invalid in the midst of the salon. The Emperor has showered me with attention, he came to see me, he has been anxious. Today, I have a great contusion, my eye is very black from extravasated blood, but I don’t have any pain. I am aggrieved to have to tell it to you, since you like Mme Duchatel, you find her to your tastes, but she has terribly pointy bones that hurt a lot. Indeed, the poor woman has been desolate to see me in this state by her fault.

Don’t be too worried about my accident. By the time you receive this letter, it won’t be visible anymore.

***

Paris, 27 February 1810

I strongly urge you to come for the wedding. Jérôme, the Viceroy [Eugène], Elisa, all the family will be reunited, your absence will have a bad effect and will greatly upset the Emperor. You know that I will be very glad to see you, but I assure you that it is your interest alone which makes me press you to come, because the Emperor will be very discontent. If, however, you have strong oppositions which will prevent you from making this journey, write to me secretly and if this occurs, write a charming letter to the Emperor to excuse yourself. But I repeat to you, I regard your arrival for the wedding as a very useful thing to our interests. The Emperor is excessively occupied with his future, he speaks of it all the time and is almost in love with it. Everyone who was opposed to the marriage is now in joy. You know my good and my constant friendship for you; listen to the counsels of a friend who only desires your happiness. Show no more opposition which will turn to your detriment; your inclination for the Russian alliance will become suspect in the eyes of the Emperor, who wants us to think like him.... I am charged by the Emperor with the formation of the household of the new Empress. I work from morning to evening and my apartments are always full of visits from solicitors. I cannot express to you all the sorrows I had from the fear of being named superintendent of the Empress's House, but I could not decide on it, because I would have needed to stay absent from Naples for two years and been deprived of the pleasure of seeing you as well as my children. The Emperor made me the most beautiful and kindest propositions and his intention was to elevate this position so much that it would not have been beneath the title of Queen.... You see that the Emperor wanted to do a very kind thing for me, but the separation I would've had from my family caused me too much pain, and without offending the Emperor, who always has a perfect kindness for me, I managed to see him forget this plan, because he perceived that it hurt me too much. The intention of the Emperor in fixing me with the new Empress for two years was to have her led as he desired and to prevent a crowd of people who think badly from surrounding her and showing her their bad feelings.

***

Paris, 28 February 1810

I do not want to complain of you, but I hope that on my return you will spoil me so much that I won't want to come back to Paris. Don't be upset by this little jest and read the charming letter from Joseph that I'm sending you, and give to Achille and Letitia the letters their uncle wrote them. Embrace them for me. I am very happy at the idea of seeing you again soon.

***

Munich, 18 March 1810

I sighed at the description you gave me of your dinner with our dear children, and I am quite sure that you thought of me; my entire heart and soul go continually with and amidst you. I am charmed that Achille is satisfied with his electric machine; it seems that our dear Louise will still read before Lucien, but this is not astonishing: this poor little one is still too slow in his studies by some indisposition.

***

Vitry-sur-Marne, 26 March 1810

Princess Pauline just wrote to me that you complain about me not writing you often; so you will never stop being unfair. I arrive very fatigued, very overwhelmed with matters and I often take away from my sleep in order to write you and yet you complain! I write you more letters than I receive from you. Adieu, I will be happy when you still stop being unfair, because your unfairness has always hurt me very much. I embrace you and love you very tenderly.

***

Compiègne, 18 April 1810

You have left, my dear friend, and I am very sad here. I hope that you will write me a little word before your departure from Paris and that you will promise to give me your news often along the road. Don't leave me for a long time without your letters like on the first journey, and consider that when we are separated, we are happy to receive the news of those we love very tenderly. You know if you are dear to me and if I can part in thought for even a moment with the father of my children. You are going to see them, those dear children, speak to them of their mother and embrace them for me. At the moment of your departure I still wanted to tell you many things for them, but those moments are always cruel and make you lose everything you had in mind. Adieu, my dear friend, believe that I will write you often and that we will still have in common the displeasures as well as the happiness of life.

***

Compiègne, 22 April 1810

I'm very afraid that you will not take Sicily, do not undertake this expedition if you are not sure to succeed.... The Emperor seems to me very well disposed towards you and he spoke to me about you a lot yesterday.... I am going to tell you also that I was penetrated with sorrow seeing you leave and especially penetrated by the kindness you had for me; you have never been like that and I admit that it filled me with tenderness, and it gave me the courage to ask you for what I want, without having the fear of you getting angry as you always did, which made me want to ask you for nothing nor to owe you anything.... [the end of the letter is missing]

***

Compiègne, 26 April 1810

My very dear friend, I spoke to the Emperor about the licenses and he told me he was going to send them to you, which, I am sure, will give you great pleasure. I am leaving at five o'clock in the morning to go to Saint-Quentin; will not be on the great voyage [with the Emperor and Empress], because my health is not too good, having always the same hopes, I would be afraid of fatiguing myself.

***

Paris, 4 May 1810

Yesterday, I was at Neuilly to dine with Paulette, I cannot tell you how sad I was to see once more the places which painfully reminded me of our children and you and our walks; it's a very beautiful place and the weather was superb.... Adieu, my dear friend, my health is still faltering and I am anxious about your expedition, give me your news as quickly as possible and believe in a tenderness unbounded. Adieu, my friend.

***

Paris, 6 May 1810

I will confess to you that I believe more than ever that I am pregnant, and my very sufferings prove it to me, I'm taking care of myself and I don't want to expose myself to any fatigue which might do me harm.... Write to me soon and tell me exactly if you believe you will make the Sicily expedition. This Sicily [expedition] worries me very much and I tremble at the idea of all the fatigues you are going to suffer.

***

Paris, 8 May 1810

I received your letter from the 27th which tells me of your arrival in Naples. I cannot tell you how much good and bad it did me. My poor children! To see them in your arms asking you for their mother is an image that brings me to tears. My God! When we are once again reunited, we must not be separated anymore. You have found them so grown, charming, judge what they will appear to me after a longer absence. Embrace them for me, repeat to them that their mother will never be perfectly happy far from them, far from you.

***

Paris, 11 May 1810

My dear friend, this latest separation seems more unbearable for me than the others. You were so good, so perfect to me in your last moments, that those proceedings touched me to tears and still penetrate me with tenderness. I confess to you that when you do justice to all my feelings for you, I am the happiest of women. Believe that my happiness, the happiness of my whole life, consists only of the happiness of the father of my children, of the one who I regard as my best friend.

***

Morfontaine, 16 May 1810

My dear friend, I am here since yesterday and I confess to you that these places have given me a very agreeable sensation; it is here where we were united, this is where I began to have for you the feelings that I still retain, plus those added by esteem, habit, and good friendship. I would like to see you here with me, and I believe that my happiness would lack nothing, if we could join our dear children here.

***

Paris, 19 May 1810

I am very sensitive to all the care you are taking for my apartments; the idea that you are occupying yourself with them makes these cares all the more pleasant. You've been so good to me for some time that I cannot express to you how sensitive I am to it. It is very sweet for me to take all the pleasures of my life and my happiness from you who I love very tenderly. You are right, we will be very happy, when we will be reunited, take care of your health.... Adieu, my friend, I embrace you from the bottom of my heart.

***

Paris, 31 May 1810

I desire so much to see you, to embrace you, I think unceasingly of all your fatigues, I fear also that your health might not sustain itself with this great heat, I fear so many things that I am always in a continual state of anxiety. Write to me at least as often as you are able and reflect how unhappy I am every time the estafette arrives without bringing me your letters.

***

Paris, 1 June 1810

My pregnancy advances, however I am not getting too fat and it is not very apparent, but I often have sicknesses that tire me greatly; I am of an unequaled impatience to return to Naples, it seems to me that I will be closer to you and that at least I will share in part your fatigues, your disagreements, your dangers and that I will have your news at each instant. The Emperor arrives today and I will ask him to leave in eight days, I can no longer remain here, I am bored, I am anxious, it is not living to exist like this. And my poor children! I have so great a need to embrace them!

***

Saint-Cloud, 6 June 1810

My dear friend, I hope to depart on the 30th, the fêtes will finish on the 25th, but the Emperor will not hear of me leaving before all the fêtes are finished; he fills me with kindness and is very good for you... I embrace you as I love you, which is to say, very tenderly.

***

Saint-Cloud, 16 June 1810

I have already sounded out the Emperor two or three times about my departure, but he always responds with an angry air: "To put yourself en route with this heat!" I haven't dared to insist and I'm waiting for the fêtes to be terminated to beg him to permit me to go rejoin my children and to put myself closer to you. I hope he will grant it to me, because he is very good for both of us. I receive every day news of our children and it is a great compensation for such a cruel absence. I believed I would only be separated from them for one month and here are seven months elapsed.

***

Rambouillet, 9 July 1810

My very dear friend, you are kindness itself to profit from all your free moments to give me your news and to calm my vivid worries; at last, you are able to cross, I make wishes for it to be with full success, but I still recommend prudence; reflect that your existence belongs to your wife and to your children....

***

Rambouillet, 18 July 1810

I was a little indisposed yesterday, I am better today, I count on taking leave of the Emperor tomorrow, and, if he grants it to me, I will depart the day after tomorrow. Adieu, my dear friend, I have an extreme desire to embrace you, I feel that I will only be happy and calm when I see you near me again; absence is too cruel a thing for two beings who truly love each other, and reunited to our children, what happiness could we envy?

***

23 July 1810, 1 o'clock in the morning

My dear friend, I'm leaving in one hour. In twelve days I will embrace my children. I will arrive in Naples unannounced, because I want neither fêtes nor pleasures in your absence.

***

Caserta [Naples], 3 August 1810

I only have the time to tell you, my dear friend, that I have arrived in good health, that I am the happiest of mothers, that my happiness was not complete, not having you with me, but that I am already happier by the idea that I am nearer to you and that I will have your news more often. I found our children grown, beautified; in truth, we have nothing to complain of, we are at the height of happiness by possessing such a treasure. I don't speak to you of their cries of joy, or of their tears, you can guess all of that. Oh! My friend! What a delicious moment! I will have the same when I see you again and then we will not have to complain about anything, since we will all be reunited.

***

Unfortunately, the immediate aftermath to this series of hopeful and loving letters, was not a happy one. Caroline's fifth (and final) pregnancy ended in a miscarriage in September. At that same time, Murat's Sicilian expedition took a frustrating turn; Murat's authority over the French troops participating in the expedition was undermined by orders from Napoleon to his generals, leading to their refusal to take part in the attempted (and ultimately abortive) crossing to Sicily. The expedition ended in failure and Murat returned to Naples deeply embittered. Over the next year, his relationship with Napoleon reached its lowest point--one could argue the lowest point it would reach up until its total rupture in 1814--and Caroline would find herself returning to Paris in 1811 to try to bridge the gap between her husband and her brother (again).

[larentsaloud]

Larry/Jikook anon here. YES lets be BFFs. What pisses me off is most people in BTS fandom (that I've talked to, weren't actually 1D fans) so they go off what they hear from antis & seeing TKK compared to Larries. HELL NO, don't dare speak on nothing you know about. TK ARE NOT HIDDEN BY MANAGEMENT. We are 1D fans, we seen what management separation looks like for the guys. H & L videos address management control. When Jikook were separated at their cars the other day it gave me Larry flashbacks.

Morning Anon.

I was thinking about how I came to the conclusions that Larry had a relationship and it stemmed from watching every interview of 1D, listening to their songs, as a band and also individually. I spent thousands of hours researching and reading master lists,too. And I really respect people who write master thesis on Larry. They are very cool. Dedicated. But no amount of writing could ever convince me, that a couple is real, you know?

I love watching compilations, but actually they are edits I indulge in only after I have formed an opinion. It's also important to note, that if I were to only restrict myself to reading the same master lists, timelines, talking to only 'larries' I would be just confirming my bias.

And that logic is dangerous because it encourages group think. As someone who has experienced brainwashing through cults and religions I have a strong response to that. In fact I am the kind of person that needs to be challenged by my peers, because sometimes I might inadvertently fall into a trap. I love it when people say hold on and I explore why I am hashtag triggered.

Listen, I have been refraining from posting Larry content, mostly because I am catering to such a thin client base, that I was little afraid of unleashing the dragon.

I almost started to feel safer in the jikook fandom until I discovered that every day a TKK will invade my asks and I have to block them, LOL.

In this fandom, if anybody is new and questioning the authenticity of Larry / Jikook or any other ship, I strongly suggest watching original footage, listening to music, reading up about the people and never stop questioning new data that is presented to you.

I remember when I was brand new, there was a really big blog called Portrait of a Larry on Fire, that believed in Larry and Jikook. For some reason they became (I am not sure what pronouns they use atm as they blocked me) an anti-larry. After almost 5 years I think. Isn't that incredible reversal?

So clearly in that person's mind they questioned their position on Larry and came to the conclusion it was all fabricated. I find that fascinating. They seemed like a perfectly logical thinker. But when I asked them about another ship (not gonna do this here) they replied in angst. And that convinced me that they had decided to stop questioning. Once you stop asking yourself WHY do I believe this, you are on a slippery slope into confirmation bias. Thereafter anything you consume will be aligned to what you believe and thus confirming your own opinion. It's like wearing blinkers to avoid seeing from you peripheral vision. Don't do it. It came become dogmatic.

I feel a lot less passionate about Larry now, then I did before. I have no desire to make anyone believe me, as long as you are not attacking me and spewing hate, I am OK with people who disagree.

Since BTS are an active band it makes the content readily available and there are constantly new moments to 'analyse' which can become a dangerous loop, too. People then use their ship as a vehicle. We should first and foremost enjoy what the band has produced as take it at face value.

If a sneaky or sweet Jikook moment happens I'll take it. But I AINT going to search for it, digging up and retrieving each glance and word spoken in order to get proof. Ya know?

As for Larry. I just feel fizzled out. There are only so many times you can watch the same clip, same interview, same moment before you find yourself thinking NOW what? I admire people who have been doing for 10 years. I am not capable. I have ADHD, bi-polar, depression, gender dysphoria, like I am a walking issue. I need constant new sources of stimuli. I absorb like a sponge (same with languages, I am learning Korean atm) and once I am done, I move on.

I still love their music, I am just not into the ship in a mad way anymore. I support them without making a fuss.

Because nobody can deny foetus Larry had a close vibe that became strained around 2013-4 and culminated in 2015 when people report they barely look at each other because the rumours tore them apart. Some people go as far as to say that they disbanded because of it. But Harry came ot support Louis to his Xfactor song debut after his mom passed. He was there, we have footage.

In that regard they are not enemies. If one narrative is incorrect, then how many narratives could be wrong?

Look at all the campaigning that Rebecca Ferguson has done for artists. I strongly suggest, that anyone who is interested in how music industry operates looks into her efforts in UK parliament to regulate the music industry.

Her point being that artists' management are not legally required to have any DBS checks (UK version of clearance check for working with youth, or vulnerable. Anyone who works in health or social care needs to have one, also teachers do etc.)

She has hinted at all the abuse she had endured and witnessed in her career, and the illegal contracts and lawyers and accountants. It's a fucking mess. Music industry is the last industry that has remained largely without a scandal followed by a reform cycle.

Artist and musicians currently don't stand a chance. My family is full of musicians and doctors (LOL) so I can speak from experience. My dad got an opportunity to sign with a German Label but when I was born he chose his family. He sort of understood it was one or the other. I don't know if he has regrets, but same goes for my mother who was a model and did not pursue the path (for the same reasons.)

They knew they couldn't have both.

Artists sign contracts and NDAs that control many aspects of their lives. In the west this often means PR stunts, just look at all the possible fake relationships that have been formed in order to gain momentum and entice interest.

Sorry to break it to you but no way Shawn and Camilla were ever in a actual relationship. If you think THAT was what a real love looks like...umm...please go and find out for yourself (if you are of legal age).

You don't have to be a genius to figure out that Elton John has been gay from day 1, yet he had a wife?

What's not clicking?

Musicians are used as a commodity.

That commodity is their sex appeal, availability.

I am new to K-Pop, but I am told by others that idols do not have boyfriends and girlfriends publicly. People leave bands when they are about to get married, because a married idol is no longer desirable.

In the west, over recent years we have got more queer artists and that's fabulous. We even had gay boy band members come out. If anyone is interested to learn more, go and find out.

I truly don't believe in serving up master lists and timelines on anyone's platter. Respect to those who do it. I think everyone should research their own fucking shit because that's how you stumble upon information and seeing it first hand hits different.

But even those queer artists, it seems are stuck in their own glass ceiling since they can't randomly go and perform in countries raging with homophobia. Do you see what I mean? Coming out could be the death sentence quite literally to some artists.

it's like this.

Once a musician is no longer marketable to the target female demographic they CAN come out if they wish. (Insert T&C that we are not privy to.)

How about that actor that had been married to a bloke for 18 years but had articles written about him about dating his costar. Yeah. He probably reached that age where it was felt that he can now be gay openly. Sorry but this how it reads to me. In any case, there are MANY gays that are not OUT in show business.

Sometimes it's because of casting (in movies), sometimes it's because the consumption has been designed to appeal to target audience and those are presumed to be cis het women. Can you tell that 'the rules' had been written by a perverted balding man with smelly socks and beer belly? Because same.

How did we end up in a society where people have to hide who they are in order to have a fucking career and deny their human rights in order to make a living?

Sometimes it feels highly unethical, other times it's plain violence. I'm sad we are where we are, but it seems to be even worse when it comes to boybands.

Phoebe Bridgers seems to be thriving though. I do wonder why female queer artists like her have it 'less complicated' than say a boy band, and then I remember the mass hysteria of large fandoms and suddenly shut up in my head. ( I mean idk if she has it less complicated lol, but just for compare and contrast I am supposing.)

Not sure how long will it take for Taylor to finally stop playing the opaque games and declare her girlfriend to us, because that would solve a lot of problems, but I am not holding my breath.

Nobody owes us a coming out ceremony.

Jesus.

If TKK are closeted I will personally fly to Korea and hand them a hand-written letter in Hangul and beg for their forgiveness, while bowing at 90 degree angle and wash their floor for two weeks straight. Anything.

I don't make it a sport assuming and shipping, but Jikook just have those vibes you see in any relationship. I never thought of gays as a unique breed that would experience love differently. Love is universal. When you are in love y'all behave the same whether you are black, white, gay or not, man or woman etc. So its pretty simple logic.

You can smell the love oozing out of them from the screen when they are together alone in a. frame, or whether they are surrounded by an audience and the band members, the love is still palpable.

If anyone has complaints about the way they love each other and the fact I am a huge supported of two people who have found something special, please submit your complaint to Bam their join representative and translator.

Sorry anon, I went on a very long nonsensical rant.

Wait I just logged back and saw you mentioned the car separation. 

that hurt. I was thinking the same TBH as soon as I saw the Jikook separation. My heart sunk. 

Here is awesome video by a lovely account I follow on YT about Jikook that explains things better than I can my lovely anon. 

Love,

Dxxx

[rainworldslugcats]

Hi ! Just wanted to ask , how do you put your own slugcat skin in game? I know it's works with fancy slugcat mod,,, but i don't know how to use it ;-; , can you teach me

i can try! although i only learned most of this very recently, so i’m not the most knowledgeable. i also use BepInEx as the modloader.

im going to start with the assumption that you already have fancy slugcats installed and working, after this you’re going to need the custom assets and custom tails mod. both can be found on RainDB.

keep in mind, each of these mods contains a read me with more information, so reference those if you don’t understand something in my explanation. everything is under a read more as this post is very long.

ive also attempted to be as detailed with this tutorial as possible.

and lastly, please read through the entire tutorial before starting work as it’s very likely you’ll end up having to redo things otherwise, mostly because of the way custom tails functions.

part 1: custom tails

we’ll start with adding a custom tail, the custom tails mod requires ConfigMachine, fancy Slugcats and Custom Assets. (publicity stunt is only required if you still use Partiality, not if you use BepInEx) download and apply these mods first. (the .dll files)

once you’ve downloaded custom tails you’ll find an “examples” folder in the .zip file, this contains the files you’ll edit to make your own custom tail. 

each of the example tails is shown on the thumbnail for the custom tails mod, so you can get an idea of how they look in action.

sidenote: the devil tail png is completely white, and thus it can be hard or impossible to see on a default photo viewer, open it on something like paint tool sai and add a colored background. once you’ve selected which base you want to use, extract (or just copy and paste) that tail png along with its txt file somewhere you can work on it, desktop works just fine. now you can make whatever modifications you want to the tail, i’ll use my firecracker tail as an example.

note: if you leave parts of the sprite purely white, it will get colored in with whatever color you choose in the fancy slugcats menu, its essentially transparency.

once you’re happy with how it looks, it’s time to apply it. firstly, change the tails name into something recognizable, like FRtail.png

now take your txt file and name it the same thing you named your tail, and make sure to be exact or things might break.

then open said txt file and change the default tail name into your tails name.

once all that is done, you have to navigate into the atlases folder in your rain world install. to get there open up steam, find RW and right click it in the menu to bring up this text box

choose “properties” at the very bottom to open up this menu

select “local files” on the side, and when you see this screen press “browse” and it will open up the root folder of RW.

(i have quite a bit more stuff in my install folder due to mods, so don’t worry about not having all of it) from here you want to open the “Assets” folder near the top, from there you open Futile > Resources > Atlases.

now all you need to do is put both your tail png and txt files into Atlases like so:

note: capital letters matter, if you used capital letters in your name you have to use those same capital letters in every name, for example if you use frtail.txt and FRtail.png it wont work. it all has to be the same in every case.

once that’s done, go back to your RW root folder (the one where RainWorld.exe is located) and open the “ModConfigs” folder, from there go to Fancy slugcats > custom heads. it will be empty if you haven’t made any modifications yet.

once youre here, make a new txt file and name it the same name you’ve used for your tail.png and txt files. then open it and type the same name inside it, don’t forget to save.

now you should be ready to open up RW, remember to enable the required mods: fancy slugcats, custom assets, custom tails, config machine and publicity stunt (partiality only)

note: if your game opens up to a black screen and wont start, it usually means something is wrong with the txt files, either you forgot to add a name inside one of them, you forgot to save when you added the name, or you’ve misspelled the name. double check all the names for your png and txt files.

now then, let’s get to adding your tail to your slugcat

once the game is open, navigate to settings and open mod config, from there you should see custom tails in the menu. once here type your custom tails name into the “sprite” box, remember to be exact with the name.

if the name shows up red, you’ve made a mistake somewhere in the process, if it shows up as white, its been successfully added!

if you touch the sliders it will add a gradient to your tail and undo/cover up any sprite changes, so keep them as black. you can also change your tails size in the fancy slugcats menu as usual.

now you have a snazzy tail to show off to the world! “.......but wait” i might hear you say “my tail isn’t the same color as the image i made!”

that’s because whatever color you apply to your slugcat in the fancy slugcats menu gets applied on top of the image you made. meaning if your slugcat is a rather more dark color, it will make your tail darker as well. meaning not only will bright aspects of it not be bright anymore, the base of your tail will be darker than your base slugcat color, thus it wont match. this is a problem i ran into as my slugcat is purple with bright accents.

the transparency i mentioned earlier helps with this “if you leave parts of the sprite purely white, it will get colored in with whatever color you choose in the fancy slugcats menu, its essentially transparency.“

you can use this transparency to make the base of your tail match the rest of your slugcats body, now all the white will be filled in with whatever color you’ve chosen in the menu, however it still wont fix all other parts of it having the base color applied to them.

now if your base slugcat color is white, you don’t have to worry about any of this at all! the tail will stay how you made it!

if your slugcat will be lightly colored but not completely white, or your dark slugcat will have dark markings, this is all stuff you can reasonably account for while making the markings themselves (once you’ve made the txt and png files and put them in the right places, you can edit the png in the atlases folder directly) but if you want to do something more close to my slugcat, we’re going to have to do it by changing the color of slugcat using sprites.

part 2: sprite edits

so, to get around this problem and to get the freedom to edit the sprites however we like we’re going to be editing each sprite separately. this way you can virtually add anything you like to your slugcat, antlers, spikes, fur. although this might require you to change the position of the sprites to get them to line up properly in-game.

i’ll only touch on recoloring sprites as i haven’t edited the shape of any of them yet, i’ll update this tutorial with extra info once i’ve tried it out myself.

some of slugcats sprites have multiple versions that will get bundled in order to make the animations you see in game (head, arms, legs)

others are static sprites and only have one version (tail, body, hips)

firstly, you’ll need to find the sprites you’re going to edit, all of these sprites are included in the custom assets zip file you downloaded from RainDB.

you’ll find slugcats sprites in Unpacked Atlases > RainWorld, extract this folder to make looking for the correct sprites easier.

note: all of the sprites are white by default, this makes them incredibly difficult to see in a folder without opening them in some external program, thus i’ve changed my windows settings to make the folder background dark (this can be found in Personalization)

this folder includes the sprites of most of the creatures in RW, so picking out slugcats sprites can be a tad... difficult. thus i'll name every single sprite you’ll need to hopefully make it easier. BodyA, HipsA, PlayerArm0 to 12, FaceA0 to 8, FaceB0 to 8, FaceDead, FaceStunned, HeadA0 to 17

aaand all the leg sprites are in a png because they have so many names

most of them can be found bunched up together in the RW folder, a tail texture isn’t included as that will still be handled through custom tails as detailed above.

now i suggest you make some way to store all of slugcats sprites neatly, as it will save you a lot of hassle in the long run. i separated all body part sprites into folders.

now you’re free to make any edits you like to the sprites. however, i’ll go about this tutorial with the expectation the only edits are color edits, not shape edits, as again i don’t have experience with those.

once your sprites are all colored and neatly organized its time to compile them, each body part gets compiled into their own bunch (arms in one, legs in another) for this you’ll need a program called texture packer, i can’t provide a direct link because my post might get thrown into the void by tumblr, there is however a direct link in the custom assets read me.

once you’ve downloaded texture packer, heres an easy to follow short video tutorial made by AndrewFM on how to use it.

once your sprites are bundled you’ll go through the same process as with adding your custom tail. i’ll use arm sprites as an example.

you’ll get a png file with all of your edited sprites in them, as well as a .json file that contains placement information, turn that json file into a txt by renaming it (yourarmname).txt

now open the txt file and rename every single part to whatever name you decided to give your arm sprites, but keep the numbers at the end of the sprite names, they are important.

note: do not rename the individual sprite png’s before they are packed

now that your txt and png files are ready, drop them into the same Atlases folder in your RW install as you did with your custom tail, and similarly add another new txt file into ModConfig > FancySlugcats > CustomHeads and rename it to the same name you named your sprite, and add that exact same name inside the txt file itself.

if the game yet again refuses to start, remember to double check the names in the txt files.

now we’re ready to apply the sprites in-game, open up RW and head to setting > mod config,

depending on which sprites you’ve edited, you’ll need to enter the sprite name into the specific field it belongs to, for me i’ll add the name to the arms section. you’ll get more details about what goes where when you hover over the text field.

for some of them, you’ll need to include A at the end of your sprite name, but only in the mod config menu

this shows where they are needed.

now you need to repeat this process for each bundle of slugcats body parts and apply them. note: body and hips despite both being part of slugcats main body gets applied separately, and even though they only have one sprite each you still need to pack them with texture packer and go through the same process as for the others.

this all might seem tiresome, and in certain ways it definitely is, but once you’ve gotten the hang of the packing, adding to folders and applying the process gets a lot faster.

once all of your sprites are applied, legs, hips, body, head, arms, tail. you want to make sure in fancy slugcats settings to make your slugcats color pure white so it wont affect your custom sprite coloration in any way. however you can apply color to slugcats face through the menu as usual.

there is a known issue where slugcats fists when climbing poles don’t get colored, this issue currently can’t be fixed easily.

the end result? quite a fancy slugcat indeed!

if i made any mistakes, or there’s extra info i should add, then message me and i’ll edit the post accordingly!

if there’s anything you can’t figure out no matter what you try, join the RW discord and ask people in the modding support channel, thats where i got most of my information from!

hopefully this is helpful to some of you! i spent quite a while making this tutorial so reblogs would be very much appreciated!