#i just picked this gif because it was easier than saving an image

[whoify]

photopea gif tutorial!

i recently started learning the craft of gifmaking with the free software photopea. when i first started, i had to piece together several different tutorials as well as extrapolate from some photoshop tutorials because-- no one uses photopea.

but they should! it's free! it can run in your browser! it can do most everything photoshop can do and you don't have to deal with adobe or torrenting. so i'm making a tutorial of my photopea gifmaking process because that's what i needed a couple months ago, and i hope it can be of use to some others. let's go!

1: PREPARING

source the scene you want to gif. it's best to download your video when you can, but screen recording can work in a pinch. this is the video downloader software i use.

once the source video is downloaded, i like to pick out the specific moments i'm going to gif and save them as their own files-- this makes future steps easier. an individual gif shouldn't be more than 4ish seconds, so limit your selections to about that. name your files in a way that makes sense to you:

2: CONVERTING TO .JPG

i like to convert my video clips to .jpg format. it is possible to load video clips directly into photopea, but unless it is a very short <30fps clip, it is likely to freeze or crash in my experience. i use this website as it downloads a higher framerate (~25fps) than others i've used.

convert your video files and download the .zip folder containing your frames. make sure to unzip them and name them something helpful if you need to.

3: OPENING YOUR FRAMES IN PHOTOPEA

photopea looks like this when you open it:

select "open from computer" and select only the first frame of your first gif:

your environment should look like this (ignore the other projects i have open, you should just have 0001.psd or similar):

go to file> open and place, and select ALL of the rest of the frames from your first clip:

they'll load in one by one, and your environment should look like this:

notice how all the frames have a little square in the corner? that means they are smart objects, and we need them to not be for our purposes. select all of your frames, right click, and choose rasterize:

in order to make the series of jpgs move as a gif upon download, select all of your frames and go to layer> animation> make frames:

all your layer names should now start with _a_. you can really do this at any point in the process so it's not a big deal if you forget at the beginning.

finally, you want to limit the frames in individual gifs to around 50 or less. if you find you have more, delete some frames off of the beginning or end by right clicking and selecting delete.

4: CROPPING AND RESIZING

select the crop tool on the left hand panel:

at the top bar, select fixed size:

gifs on tumblr are limited to 540px wide for single column gifs, 268px for two columns, and 178px for three columns. the height is up to you; i like to use 350px height with the 540px width.

enter your values into the W and H fields and do not press enter yet. drag the cropped area to where you want it to be-- try to line up the top and bottom edges so as not to lose too much of your image. once you're satisfied with the selection, press enter. your gif is now cropped and resized to tumblr standards.

5: SHARPENING

(if you are working with low-qual video, check out this tutorial by @hellboys before sharpening. basically filter> filter gallery > grain, select soft and play with the settings. then proceed!)

still making sure all of your layers are selected, navigate to filter> sharpen > smart sharpen:

you should see this dialog box:

these are the settings i like to use, but you can play around to see what you like. here's the before and after of my sharpening settings:

the difference will be more noticeable once we complete the next step-- brightening and coloring.

6: BRIGHTENING & COLORING

navigate to layer > new adjustment layer:

at any time, you can edit your adjustment layers by clicking this button in the right hand panel:

for each edit you make to your gif, you will add a new adjustment layer. always make sure they're at the top of your layer stack. i like to start with adjusting the brightness and exposure, which are both pretty straightforward.

additionally ,you can select a curves adjustment layer, choose the RGB channel, and drag the curve just slightly upwards to further brighten your gif, like so:

here's a before and after:

now for coloring-- i mostly use the saturation/vibrance, curves, color balance, and selective color adjustment layers. just play around with all of these until you find a style you like. i like my gifs to look really bright and colorful, so i push the saturation and try to draw out warmer tones in the color balance:

7: CAPTIONS

the font i like to use for captions is arial bold italic. you can download it (or any font of your choosing) from pretty much any free font website. if you choose to download a font not in photopea, go to file> open and select your font; it will now show up in the list of fonts.

navigate to the text button in the left hand panel:

and type in the captions for your gif. i make the font size 20 for 540px gifs.

next, while only your text layer is selected, navigate to layer> layer style > blending options:

click on drop shadow, and play around with the settings until you get something you like. here's mine:

next, click on stroke and do the same thing:

when you're done, make sure your text is your top-most layer.

8: EXPORTING

you're done! head to file> export as> GIF. you'll be prompted with a dialog that looks like this, with your gif playing (you can also do these steps without saving if you want a preview of your gif during editing):

the only thing you should need to adjust is speed. this is the main difference between photopea and photoshop. the only way to specifically adjust the delay in photopea is to manually enter "_05" (or whatever amount of delay) at the end of every layer name. if you're like me you'll agree that is simply too much and settle for the speed slider.

i don't really know what logic governs the speed slider. it doesn't seem to be consistent across gifs, so play with it until it looks right. i've had it on 200% lately which seems insane but looks visually normal.

once the speed is adjusted, hit save and you're done! here's a final before and after of all the work:

BONUS: SAVING .PSD PRESETS

did you think manually creating and editing all those adjustment layers was a lot of work? here's how to streamline it for next time.

at the very bottom of your screen, below your layers, select the icon that looks like a folder (third from the right).

it will create another layer called folder 1. drag your adjustment layers into this folder, making sure they stay in the same order. your layers should look like this when you're done:

ONLY ONCE YOU HAVE SAVED YOUR GIF, delete all other layers that are not in the folder. then select file> save as PSD. save it somewhere convenient.

next time you're making gifs, after you've cropped and sharpened your frames, select file > open and choose your .psd file. it will open as another project. select the layer that says folder 1, and drag it to whatever project you're working on at the top bar. voila! your adjustment layers are applied to your new gif!

i still like to play with the settings, as coloring and brightness needs will differ from gif to gif.

thanks for reading! here's the gifset i made while making this tutorial :-)

[yuri-is-online]

Another Beautiful Day (First Years x Yuu)

(gif taken from google, originally uploaded to tumblr but user apparently deleted)

You have been having strange dreams lately. Every time you go to sleep you se the same set of flashing images, a carriage ride, a crumbling castle under a ink stained sky, ending in the jaws of a monster. The pain you feel from the flames makes you wonder, on nights when you are alone in Ramshackle with Grim, if those dreams are less fiction and more of a memory.

You are not the only one who has those dreams. There's another, laying awake in his bed, hand clutched tightly over his frantically beating heart trying desperately to hold the fraying edges of his sanity together. How many times has he done this? How many times has he tried to hold onto the last fleeting traces of warmth in you with his cold, unworthy hands.

Again. He loves you, that is the one thing that refuses to change no matter how many times the world is reset. He loves you, he has no choice but to try again.

notes: they/them pronouns used for Yuu, hurt almost no comfort, borderline yandere behavior. If this made you feel something you can check out the other parts on my masterlist.

Ace

There was, perhaps still is, a pretty viral theory about Ace being a traitor involved in resetting time. While I can't ever see Ace purposefully causing Yuu's death ever, I can see him deciding that if he has to play the villain to get the outcome that he wants, well then, that's just what he's going to have to do. Ace knows how to annoy people, comes with the youngest child territory, more specifically he knows how to annoy you. He can stand having no one if it means everyone's focus is on keeping you safe, it's easier to admit that he loves you when no one's around to hear it. It occurs to you that he might, it even crosses your mind that the strange dreams your time-loop troubled subconscious is so desperate to hang onto, ones where you are with someone you love dearly, could be about him. How else would he know how to push all your buttons, why else does he always know when and where you'll be in trouble. If Ace doesn't love you, why does he know all the things you like about this world before you do? It's a painful thing to be known, even more so if the person who knows you refuses to let themselves be vulnerable with you. The more things change the more they stay the same... huh?

Deuce

Ever watched Tokyo Revenges? I know some of you have, I can see you. Anyway Deuce might not be a crybaby but he is loyal, determined, and stuck on desperately trying to save you. Well not just you, Deuce realizes that Overblot Grim spells doom for a lot more people that just those inside NRC. Sage's island might be remote, but people still live there, if the monster got out who knows what sort of damage it will do? He tries his best to be normal around you, to befriend you and protect you in just the same way he did before, but he's a much more serious and moody person than he was the first loop around. How is he supposed to explain to you he couldn't save you, that he's watched you die countless times and only had ashes to hold and cry over? Not just you either, he's seen Ace and Epel and Jack, hell even Sebek, Die over and over again because he wasn't smart enough to stop it. Ace manages to pick up on something being wrong, and Deuce being Deuce he fails to lie properly, "dragging him into his mess." But he can tell Ace doesn't mind. He takes his impending doom as a challenge, encouraging Deuce to do so as well. He's stupid, he should just give up and let someone smarter save you. But he's your stupid, kind of crybaby hero. He'll save you, just you see.

Jack

Trying to save you is as much an instinct to Jack as it is raw emotion. You are his soulmate, there is nothing casual about his investment in your relationship, nothing short of divine intervention that will keep him from trying to save you. But he will admit he feels rather unprepared for this... development. It's all well and good to say you will break reality before he lets it take you from him, but actually being strong enough to do that? Jack's a good boy, but no matter how smart he is he's a bit of a muscle head. He throws himself into problems fist first, without any back up unless someone yanks him by the scruff and forces him to look at it. Usually that's you, sometimes it's Ruggie or Leona, but in the past it was you. He knows he can't keep himself from you, even if that could make you safer. Unlike the first timeline, he makes sure to introduce himself as early as possible, makes sure to be with you for every overblot. You might find it annoying but he'll push you to train just enough so that you'll have the speed to run when the final monster comes. Maybe this time, he'll be strong enough to kill it before it catches up to you.

Epel

Sleep Kiss cannot put you to sleep forever. Yet. Yes yet, Malleus isn't the only one who thinks letting you nap forever is a good idea. Great minds think alike, and unlike Malleus's, Epel has an added bonus. He can encase you in a glass cage that is literally meant to protect you from anything that wants to hurt you. Not that you would ever expect this plan from Epel. He's cute, kind, non-threatening when you're paying attention, the most you see of his temper as the loops continue is the slightly bratty glare he focuses on pre-overblot housewardens. And the headmage, but hey any anger at him always gets a pass from him. Not that you need to worry about that, once Epel masters his spell you won't have to worry about anything. He does wonder if you'll be able to dream, the first time he cast his spell on you it was like you didn't realize anything had happened at all. Maybe he won't tell you anything, maybe he'll wake you up every once and a while to convince you that you were never asleep at all. But that's not a concern for now, all you need to do is close your eyes and sleep. Sleep and wait for your Prince to return from the war.

Sebek

Following the current timeline, events aside, Sebek is on the outside of your friend group. No one likes him, he can't sit with you. The only real reason Sebek has to pay attention to you is because Malleus does. And he has to admit he doesn't exactly hate what he sees, he just- doesn't want to give credit to a human. When time is re-set though, he goes out of his way to befriend you, convinced he needs to keep an eye on you to save his lord. After all, how could he not find it suspicious that Malleus befriends some random human from not-Twisted Wonderland and then suddenly overblots? He is ready to strike at the first sign of betrayal, but he does not find it. He finds a human, weak and flawed, but paitent and kind with him, unwilling to let him talk down to them but still willing to talk. You die, but you never stop trying. You refuse to let the flaws he picks at stop you from trying to live. You refuse, no matter how many times he yells about the amount of times he has lost his lord, lost you, to let him do all the work alone. There is beauty in your struggle, in your life. He can't betray this for his lord, even if it was the cause of his plight. It's Silver he turns to for help, begging him for guidance through tears as he desperately clings to you. He finds it of course, he never had to do any of this alone, but he should know by now that doesn't guarantee success, no matter how much he wants it to.

[animalcrossingshowdown]

someone sent in this ask and I spent literal hours putting together this tutorial but then it wouldn't let me post it and when I went back into my inbox the ask was gone?? good thing I copy and pasted it, so here it is in its own post

I'm not sure if this will work with programs other than photoshop, but this is how I do it. I know @shinobi-bacon has a tutorial here on how they do it which is pretty different from the way I do it, so if my tutorial is confusing maybe theirs will click with you better lmao. I stole the greenscreen idea from them anyway

SO FIRST, you want your villager on a green screen background. to do this, go to harv's island and use a custom pattern to make the walls and floors bright green. If the villager you're using has green in their design, you'll have to pick a different colour that isn't in their design, but for most villagers green is fine.

if your villager has every colour on them like pietro or stiches then rip you're gonna have to do some manual editing frame by frame. try to choose a colour that doesn't touch the edges of their silhouette too much in that case because it'll make life easier for you

so once you have them in green purgatory, record them doing their emote or whatever. I just use the built-in screen record function that the switch has. press and hold this button to record the last 30 seconds that your switch displayed:

next send that video to your computer and trim off the start of the video so it starts right before a recognizable part of the animation. for this emote I cut it off right before the blink. if you have a slow computer, you'll probably want to trim the end off too so the video is only a little bit longer than one full animation loop

(you can use the video editing software of your preference, I just use quick time player Edit -> Trim)

okay time for photoshop. go File -> Import -> Video Frames to Layers

for "range to import" select "from beginning to end" (or you could skip the last step about trimming the video and select a range here, but I find it kind of finicky), and make sure "make frame animation" is checked

once imported, if it doesn't pop up on it's own, go Window -> Timeline to get your animation at the bottom

click through those frames at the bottom until you find an easily recognizable frame (I chose the first frame where her eyes are closed) and delete all the frames before it. in the layers panel, the layer from the frame you've selected should be the only one turned on. delete all the layers below it

now go through the frames to find the next identical frame. this is where the animation loops. delete that frame and all the frames after it, as well as all of their corresponding layers (note in the picture, frame 121 is selected, and it's exactly the same as the frame from the start of the animation)

hit the play button on the bottom left to double check that it loops properly

next, make sure both THE FIRST FRAME AND BOTTOM LAYER are selected, and crop and reduce the image to your desired size. you can do this step later if you want, it's just that doing it now will reduce the load on your computer and make it run a bit faster. just as long as the first frame and bottom layer are selected, you can do this at any time

SAVE HERE because if you mess up this next part it's a pain to fix, but it's easy to quit and start over if need be

now it's time for my best friend the actions panel !! say hi actions panel !! (Window -> Actions). what the actions panel does is record your steps so you can quickly automate repetitive tasks.

in the actions panel, click the folder and name it whatever you want

then click the little plus and name that whatever you want and hit record. You'll see the dot turn red to indicate that your actions are now being recorded

now with the BOTTOM LAYER AND FIRST FRAME selected (ignore that I have the wrong layer selected in the pictures, I fixed it after), go to Select -> Colour Range

click on a part of the canvas that would be green

shift+click on the rest of the green background and adjust the fuzziness until just the character's silhouette remains

hit OK, now the background should be selected. go Select -> Inverse so that the character is selected, and click on layer mask.

click the next frame button (you MUST click the button, not the actual frame. you need the recording to recognize "go to next frame" and not "select frame 2"),

then keyboard shortcut option + ] to select the next layer up (again, you MUST use the shortcut so it knows to move up one layer and not just "select layer 2"),

and then stop recording.

now just repeatedly click the play button and it will do all those steps we just did for each frame :)

this part is usually where it gets messed up for me. if it did something weird like duplicate the same frame or layer your animation over a static frame, just quit and reopen that save I told you to make earlier. the action recording you just made will still be there when you reopen photoshop, so just select the first frame and bottom layer and repeatedly hit play again. if it STILL doesn't work, you probably did something wrong

the recording is now saved in photoshop forever until you delete it, so you can reuse the recording for other gifs! but if they use a different colour background, you'll need to make a new recording (you can see I have separate ones for blue and purple screens). also if you were working with one of those colourful villagers and parts got masked out that shouldn't have been, you'll have to go frame by frame and manually fix them. that's why we masked out the background instead of deleting it.

now it's time to make it into a gif! go File -> Export -> Save for Web. make sure Matte is set to "none" so you don't get those weird white flecks. colours and dither you want as high as they can go, but you can lower them if you need to make the file smaller (though I'd recommend resizing the image smaller first). the bottom left shows your file size. currently as of January 2024, tumblr allows gifs of up to 10MB

and there ya go! gif! :)

[demons2003]

Death (Dean)

Description: No one should die more than once. It hurts them and the people around you. I died once. It was the worst thing in my life. Having hell hounds rip open my skin and watching the blood run down my body kills. Knowing both the boys watched hurts even more. They couldn't do anything but watch. Struggling to help only to be pushed back against the wall because he wouldn't let them go.

Ao3

I slowly open my eyes to see nothing but black. I try to sit up instead but just bump my head on something that's above me. "Shit!" I whisper to myself. I start to feel around me trying to get an idea on where I am. Freaking out was something I tried to stay away from but that didn't always go well for me. My breathing started to get faster and my fists started to pound against the roof. After a while, the roof started to crack and dirt started falling on my face. 'I'm underground?' I think and I start freaking out more. Being a hunter meant I was meant to be cremated instead of buried. My fists start to pound harder against the roof and more and more dirt starts falling into my face until the roof collapses on top of me. Holding my breath, I start digging my way up until I feel a small breeze on the tips of my fingers. Grabbing the top of the dirt, I start to drag myself out of the ground.

As soon as I breach the surface, I take a deep breath. My breathing slowly goes back to normal and I take in my surroundings. All around me was destroyed. It looked like the world had ended. Getting out of my grave, I look around trying to find one thing that was alive, even just a little bit. Walking around I finally found a gas station. I smile hoping to find something that could help me and run over. The doors were wide open so I just walk in looking around to see if there was anyone else. Sadly no one was so I just went behind the counter.

A phone was sitting on the counter and I picked it up. I quickly typed in Deans number and hold the phone to my ear hoping he would pick up.

Dean's pov (When Y/N wakes up)

Sleeping got easier after y/n death. I couldn't sleep let alone get up in the morning when she first got ripped to shreds right in front of me. It was the image of her getting ripped to shreds that stopped me from falling asleep. Sam couldn't help me either as he was struggling to sleep as well. She was our family. Someone Sam could ask for advice and they weren't related to him. Someone I could love.

I rolled myself out of bed and looked over at Sam. He was sleeping peacefully with tear stains on the pillow. He still struggled with it sometimes, so did I though, more then I would let Sammy know. I walk over to the couch and turn the tv on. I hear Sam moving behind me and look over at him. He sits up and looks over at my bed before looking over at me. "Morning Sleepyhead." I say. Sam just rolls his eyes and gets out of bed. "I'm going to go get breakfast, you going to come with me or stay here?" Sam asks. I think it over before I hear my phone ringing. I look down at my phone on the table before picking it up and answering it. "Dean Winchester." I say. I wait for a reply but all I hear is static. "Hello?" I question. "Dean.... place.... know.... deserted.... bomb.... while.... hell.... find me...." Confused I hang up the phone. "Who was that?" Sam asks as I turn around. "I don't know. Bad reception or something, didn't get any useful information." I say. Sam nods and we both walk out to my baby.

Y/N's pov

I wait for Dean to pick up the phone, hoping it would work and he could come to save me. "Dean I'm in a place I don't know. It's deserted and looks like a bomb hit it. What happened while I was in hell. Please find me." I say before I hang up the phone. With no way of knowing if Dean got the message, I tried to think of ways to get out. There weren't many things to go and with everything dead it was hard to find something that could save me. I start walking out of the shop when I see and the car that didn't look to bad from far away. I smile and start to run over to it. Being around Dean for so long meant that I could tell if a car would start working if I tried to hotwire it. And just my luck that this car was active and had enough gas to last a while. I smile and open the door. I thought that it would be locked but it wasn't. I didn't pay much attention because the next thing I know is I'm strapped into the driver's seat and the car has started. I smile and put it in first and start my drive to hells know where. It would be a long day.

Dean's Pov

For the whole day, the only thing I could think about was the phone call I got that morning. 'Who was it? And what were they trying to tell me? Was it important?' "Dean are you awake?" I hear Sam ask. I look up at him and try to figure out what he asked. "Um yes?" I say. He shakes his head and says, "I asked if you knew what this thing was, but it looks like you are thinking about other things. You alright?" I shake my head and look down at my beer. "Yeah, just thinking of that phone call this morning, it was weird." I say taking a swing of my beer. "Yeah, but we need to focus on this case." Sam spoke. I nod my head but still think of the call. The voice was distance but I knew that voice. It was one I haven't heard in a while but one that made some emotions rise. But I still didn't know who it was.

It started to get late when I heard a car pull into the car park of the motel. Still listening to Sam blabber on about the Jefferson Starships, dam I hate those things, I look out at the car pulling in. As I was watching the person hope out though I saw it. Her h/l h/c (Hair length and colour) hair swaying in the breeze, it reminded me of her and the first time we met.

5 years ago (Memory)

I hate this. One minute we're burning a dead body the next we're talking to a demon named Ruby.I didn't want to listen to her shit but Sam believed her. I walk over to the window to see a car pull into the parking lot. And the woman the hopes out of the car, she's gorgeous and hot. A smile forms on my lips as I watch her walk to the front desk. "Dean, Ruby says she knows how to stop Lilith, just listen to what she has to say." Sam says, bringing me out of my daydream. "No, I'm going to a bar." I boom and walk out the front door. I try looking for the girl I saw but she and her car was gone. 'Dam, I missed her.' I hope into my baby and drive to the closest bar.

I sit in the bar for hours, drinking my troubles away. I feel a hand rest on my shoulder and a girl sits next to me with a smile. "Hey, you alright?" Her soft voice makes me smile and I say, "I am now that you're here." She smiles back at me and we get into a 'normal' conversation. I was lying through most of it but it's what I had to do. In the end, we decided to go back to her place as I didn't want her at mine. We both get into baby and she directs me to the same motel. We get to her room and the rest is history.

Back to present

I shake myself out of that memory. It was too painful to remember. I lost her, she's in hell because she saved me. Tears build up in my eyes and I fall on my bed, face first. I hear Sam slowly stop talking and his laptop closing. I close my eyes, trying to forget my past with y/n and focused on the case we will need to follow tomorrow.

Y/N's pov

It was getting late and I needed a place to rest. I pull into an old motel, one that the boys may stay at and walk over to the front desk. The lady sees me and smiles. "Hey, office Smith. How can I help you?" I almost jump at the name and look closer at the lady. "Mel??" I question. She smiles at me and comes around to give me a hug. Hey, where have you been?" She asks. I try and think of something to say and reply with, "Traveling, do you still have my stuff?" I remember I dropped most of my old ID's and phone's here before facing my hell hounds. "Yes I do, also have your car and room you had last time." I smile at her. She was always one to keep things she didn't need anymore. "Can I have all that taken to my room, please? I need to get some rest." She nods her head and gives me the key to the room. I take it and take myself to the door. I unlock it and fall straight on the bed.

A minute later Mel brought my boxes and car keys before walking back out. I smile and start to dig around. There were some case files on top as well though. I set them on the bed, knowing she was asking me to look into it, and look deeper in the boxes. There were all my FBI, State government, CSI and all those ID's as well as old case files, my phones and photos. One photo made me stop. It was of Sam, Dean, Bobby and me. I smiled. I missed them all. Sam and Bobby were at the front smiling with Bobby's arm over Sam's shoulder and me and Dean in the background kissing, it was nice. It was a good day too. We just spent the whole time laughing and smiling while looking for new cases. It was relaxing.

I placed it with my other photos and looked at the nightstand with my keys. On them was a small wedding type band. I placed it there when Dean asked. I didn't want it to get lost or dirty when I went to my last fight. I wanted Dean to have something to remind me by. He did give it to me after all. I place everything back in the box and look over the case file.

There had been a few animal attacks throughout the city but it was different. They weren't animal attacks for one, one was in a Highrise, and it wasn't a vampire, I just didn't know what it was. There had been one today so I decided that tomorrow morning I would go to the coroner's office and look at the body. Hopefully, no other FBI agents come as well.

The next morning

I wake to a nice breeze from the window. I get out of bed and look through another box that had my nice clothes in it. I go put them on and find the FBI badge with Officer Smith. I smile thinking of the one Dean had. We pretended to be brother and sister but we then ended up as Husband and Wife, it was fun watching peoples faces after they had been flirting with me.

I look through the parking lot looking for my old car to find her sitting right in front of me. I smile and run my hand along the hood. I jump in the driver's seat and driver to the coroner's office. I pretty much smile my way through with only having to show my badge once. That's when I'm shown the body. It was a woman but you could barely tell. It's definitely something I didn't know about. Vampires are bad but not this bad.

Dean's pov

Sam and I got up earlyish and started to make our way to the coroner's office. It was bad. There had been random animal attacks around town and no one knew what was happening, but Sam and I did. We get there and show our badges. "Oh Officer Smith has already gone in, are you related?" The receptionist asked me. I look confused and look towards Sam who looks worried. "Uh no." I reply. She nods her head and waves us through.

As we get there though, we stopped in our tracks. Standing over a dead body was the coroner and a woman who looked exactly like y/n. I was in shock, it couldn't be her, she's dead. "Oh hello, I didn't realise there was going to be more of you." The coroner says. Y/N looks up and has the same surprise look as me. "Yeah, we were just told to come check on how everything was going down here." Sam replied. It's then that y/n snaps out of it and says, "Yes sorry, I forgot more would be coming, why don't we all go outside and talk about what I was told." Sam shakes his head while I just stand there looking at her. She looked the same as when I last saw her, just no blood.

Y/N walks over to me and Sam and that's when I snap out of it. It can't be her. It must be a demon. I grab her arm and Sam and I drag her back to my baby. I push her against the hood of my baby and Sam goes around to the boot. "Who are you? Why are you in y/n's body." I yell. "Dean it's me, idk what's happened but it's me. I've already tested everything." Sam came back around the car and splash holy water on y/n. I let her go and look away as Sam tests everything else. "Dean, it is her. She's alive." I turn to see y/n and Sam embrace. I look at her as they let go and she looks back at me. I look down at her hand to find her ring sitting there on her finger. I reach for it and she smiles at me. "Hey Dean." She whispers. I smile at her and say, "Hey." Before moving forward and kissing her against my baby. We smile through the kiss and then hear Sam clear his throat. We pull apart and laugh at him. "Let's go to the motel down the road we'll talk there." y/n says before she goes to her car.

Y/N's pov

I had found them. They were both safe and alive. I smile as I get to my car. I had my family back. I watch as the boys drive and follow closely behind. I had lots of questions and I sure they did too. As we get to the parking lot of the motel, Dean gives Sam the keys and Sam drives off. This will be fun. I get out of my car and follow Dean into his and Sam's room. We both stand awkwardly in the room, waiting for the other to speak.

"What did you do?' I ask. Dean look confused at me and raises his voice to say, "Nothing, I looked but nothing told me how to get you out." I shake my head. He's gone back to how he was when we first met. "Ok, then how did I get out of hell?" I ask calmly. When Dean was like this it was better to stay calm and not make it worse. "Idk, we need to find out, I'll call Bobby." He says and starts to walk over to his phone. I rush over to him and make him look at me. "Dean stop." He looks at me confused and seems to almost relax. "What's wrong Dean?" I ask. Something was wrong but he wasn't telling me what it was. "I couldn't save you than y/n and I'm scared I'll lose you again. I couldn't even bring you back, you've been gone for 2 years and I couldn't get you back." Dean asks. I almost smiled but held myself back. "But you tried Dean, I'm safer with you than with anyone else." He shakes his head and goes for his phone again. This time I push his away from it and he falls back onto his bed, (I think it's his bed.)

I get on top of him and pin his arms above his head. "You need to stop. You made a promise to me that you would love me till we both died. I'm not dead. Stop punishing yourself for something that I chose to do." I snap at him. He tries to look away from me but I stay in his sight. "Ok fine, but that doesn't make me worry less about you." We smile at each other and I ask, "SO the ring? You still want to get married to me?" I ask letting go of his hands and showing him the ring. His hands move to my hips and he smiles. "Yes I do." I smile and lean down to give him a kiss.

I was home again and with the two people most important to me. This time, no one's going to come back alive because no one's going to die.

[guzsdaily]

Automating my day

Day 10 - Nov 15, 12.023

Today I activated my "morning trigger" like I talked about in the past entry. And who would think, it worked! Now I'm here in the morning writing this entry, will it also improve the rest of the day? I don't know, but it's a start.

Today's topic is something which I'm still trying to improve and working currently on making, but could be good to talk about, so it is easier to know what I'm planning to do.

Having a note-taking app

Something which I lacked for a lot of time in my life was a note-tacking app, and you probably already know about all the "having a second brain" type of talk and things like that. But for me, the best part of having one is not the "save everything you know" and things like that, but the fucking power that you can have to create a workflow for yourself and only yourself.

A lot of times I tried things like "productivity apps", but it always seems like even if you find something which is exactly what you want, someday you will think "why is X like that? It could be like Y and would really improve my life" - this is the exact problem that I'm having recently with time-tracking apps - and most of the time you can't really change that.

Because of these two problems, I like any other programmer, I thought on making my own productivity/note-taking app, but like any other programmer, I soon realized that I shouldn't do that and should just pick Obsidian - this is not sponsored or anything, and if it weren't for the fucking amount of work to create one, I would try to create an app for myself. - Using Obsidian itself for me, it's just a better choice because of two things: It stores everything in plain Markdown, which makes your notes not locked-in to the app; And Community Plugins, which pretty much end up giving you the power of turning it into any time of app or productivity software.

Templates

If you use any note-taking app you probably are familiar with note-templates, and in Obsidian is not that different, it has a core plugin that gives you templating functionality, but I never touched it because there's a community plugin that gives you a lot more power when creating templates: Templater. And I don't want to make a tutorial or list all the features, but just know that with it, you can use JavaScript (a programming language) to programmatically create yours templates.

Using it really helped me with my daily notes, because I can easily change the routine for each day when creating the template and or making sure that when I created a daily note, a weekly note is also created, and then a monthly, quarterly, and yearly, so I never forget to plan and fill things for each period of time. Yes, creating templates with this plugin can require a lot of times and needs you to have basic programming knowledge.

Something which I'm starting using said template (and with conjunction with other plugins like Periodic Notes) is specifying 1–4 projects to work on each month, so I can more easily program each week and focus on tasks of just one project - this workflow helps me not be so lost each day, because in the month I have a more filtered list of things to do during it - And trying to follow myself in day 8, I used Templater, so I don't need to do this process to manually, each time I create a monthly note a prompt appears to ask me how many and which projects I want to work on, all of them are gotten from my projects files in my directory/vault.

Obs. 1: Yes, it is somewhat slow until the first prompt, the way I programmed the banner fetching is not the best, and it ends up stalling the start of the note. It is a problem more related to me than the plugins, because I wanted to the banners/images be related to the year's season in some way. Obs. 2: The year in the title is 12023 and not 2023, this was something which I intentionally added just to be more different and because I was introduced to the concept of the "Human era calendar" by Kurzgesagt, or more correctly, the Holocene calendar. P.s. The date is wrong I know, I already fixed after recording the gif.

Data driven notes

But the limit with Templater is that, obviously, it just executes when you create a note and use a template. So how do I search, filter and organize things like tasks, events and other dynamic things? There are plugins for that too: Dataview and Obsidian Tasks. Both are somewhat simple to use even if you don't have programming skills, but Dataview also can be used with JavaScript and can be a lot powerful with it. Both of them have similar functionalityy, but are used in different aspects I would say, Dataview is more for visualizing about your notes and Tasks is more about managing, well, tasks in your notes.

I'm still working on this section of my workflow, but with Dataview I can easily visualize how my routine has been going, what projects I'm working most, and it just helps me more easily see some data and things such as "what is current quarter theme".

Tasks I'm currently just use for filtering and listing tasks for the day, week and month. It can be very powerful in conjunction with something like Templater.

An incomplete workflow

I have to admit that I'm still developing and tinkering with these plugins to help my workflow, and it can consume a lot of time, so I'm doing it in small steps - something which kinda sucks when you depend on said workflow to make things daily, and sometimes you need to or update all your older notes, or make somewhat backwards compatible with your past workflows. But it is fun for me in the end.

My current plan is mostly to focus on the periodic notes part of things, trying to separate tasks and ideas in each section of time:

Daily notes: list tasks for the day and routine checking;

Weekly: plan and organize projects' tasks for the upcoming days of the week;

Monthly: separate 1 to 4 projects to be focused on the month, no other project outside of these should be worked on primarily;

Quarter: visualize and give a direction on what I want to improve in the season. Choose a theme which will influence in the decisions in this period of time;

Yearly: visualization of work done, routine, etc. Pretty much just a big chunk of data related to that year in one note.

I hope that all of this can help me go in a direction that I want daily to improve myself and follow my small and big objectives. Will it work? I don't know, it is not so different from what I was doing before, and a lot depend on myself. But as I said in day 8, a lot of times automating what I need to do helps me and forces me to go in a direction at least.

And something that I wanted to talk about, but would be better in another post or blog, is trying to use lesser the mouse even in Obsidian. I still need to create more shortcuts, but in less button presses I need to do something, the less friction to do a task or something in a day. I can't really express why, but using fully the keyboard feels a lot more productive than with the mouse, that's even one of the reasons that Linux is my operating system, however it is a talk for another time.

Something which I hope to do in the future is build on top of this workflow of using Markdown and Obsidian to edit with things like auto-uploading/posting these daily journal entries. I write these entries in Obsidian before committing to Git and copying to Tumblr, and being able to just make everything automatic would again help not to distract myself when opening the website, but that a programming talk for the future.

Today's artists & creative things

Song: Five Nights at Freddy's (Goth remix) - by The Living Tomblestone (feat. Black Gryph0n & Baasik) - This is probably the most random one until today, but I simply cannot stop listening to it. The classic one is very nostalgic to me, but this one hits different, I never listened to this style and can't even find similar music easily personally, I love it. It is so crazy to think that now it is an official music and such a good reinterpretation of it.

Copyright (c) 2023-present Gustavo "Guz" L. de Mello <contact.guz013@gmail.com>

This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC BY-SA 4.0) License

[eloisegirlinnovators]

GIRL INNOVATORS--Inside the Magical and Terrifying World of Disney

There are many different things that I will touch on in this project such as how the princess narrative affected young girls, representation within Disney, as well as racism in the corporation. Furthermore, I will speak on how there have been efforts to make a more positive switch and represent more than just white people. In this blog, there are many different details of Disney that I will express and examined. The world of Disney that we all witnessed as young individuals have many undertones that destroy the magic. As one gets older it is easier to pick apart and examine these ailments.

Introduction...

Disney. The magic. The characters. The sexism. The racism. Most when thinking about the multibillion-dollar company think of magic and fantasy. The vision of the people is clouded while there is a large part of Disney that is ignored. For decades the Disney corporation has allowed various inappropriate ideologies that affect their young viewers. When it comes to little girls and boys watching these films there are many inaccurate depictions that affect their young minds. I will first start out with the age-long tale, the damsel in distress who must have a male (most of the time a prince) to come to her aid and save her. This is something that is seen extremely frequently throughout Disney princess movies. While there are many examples I will start off by looking at some of the original Disney princesses versus the now further-developed Disney princesses.

When examining our original princesses such as snow white, cinderella, and aurora, there are obvious aspects that show how all of these women need a man to succeed. Below is an article I found that had many different opinions concerning this subject. When reading this article, these Disney princesses have something in common: their lives were greatly improved by a man swooping them off their feet. Cinderella, for example, had an absolutely miserable life being controlled by her step-sisters and step-mother, but the second that a prince fell in love with her she would live an idyllic life. This may seem like it does not matter but these stories are carried by young children as something that they strongly hold onto. It gives the audience who watch these movies and shows the idea that a male partner is the only way to be happy. With the viewers of Disney princess movies being young moldable minds it makes it all the more crucial to not have the message that men will make your life better. With this, there have been progressions toward feminist girl boss princesses. Below I will discuss the way that Disney has started to pivot for the better when feeding younger generations fairytales.

Below is a picture of the "original Disney princesses" where there are very clear racial and sexist undertones within their stories. From Pocahontas where there are clear inappropriate racist plots, to the damsel in distress that most princesses play Furthermore when researching, I sought out a picture of the "original Disney princesses", when searching on google I found that Pocahontas was not included in most images. This surprised me because of the way that I grew up thinking that Pocahontas fit into that category. This ties into an aspect of inclusion and the way that Disney has left out diversity in these movies.

Run Down of Disney Princess movies and the things that are just not right....

CINDERELLA: This princess is a classic story of rags to riches. Cinderella is cruelly ruled by her stepmother who treats her as her own servant. One night she sneaks away to a ball, where a prince falls in love with her. As she leaves in a rush he will only be able to find her by a glass slipper. There are many things wrong with this storyline. Cinderella is only noticed once she becomes “beautiful” wearing a ball gown and looking like a princess. The message that comes across in these actions is that you must look a certain way to become a princess. This idea can be quite detrimental when it comes to young girls watching stuff like this as it sends the wrong message. 

AURORA: There are a lot of controversies when looking at the story of sleeping beauty. There is a large presence that surrounds the lack of consent. While I am aware that a “true love's kiss” has been a common subject throughout the history of princesses, allowing to show this message is something that should not be taught to young people. To further the extent of this, when doing research I came across an article that told the original story of princess aurora. “I​​n the original Italian version of Sleeping Beauty, known as Sun, Moon, and Talia, Princess Aurora is awakened by repeated rape by the King and eventually gives birth to two children while unconscious.” This makes the lack of consent shown all the more inappropriate. 

BELLE: Beauty in the beast is a seemingly love story, but many aspects of the plot contradict this. Belle is taken by the beast into captivity, and after trying to escape a couple of times is run away by wolves and other obstacles. She ultimately ends up with the beast, which makes me wonder if she just got together with him out of compliance. Young children should not look at this movie as a good relationship because of the way that Belle was essentially kidnapped. 

ARIEL: When looking at the story of the Little Mermaid, there are aspects of Ariel that I do not think are positive for feminism. Ariel suffers between wanting to be on land, while her father wants her to stay in the ocean. When she meets Prince Eric the desire only grows. When she is cursed and told that she must find a true love's kiss in order to stay on land, the intensity grows. Ariel in the end leaves her life behind for Prince Eric. This is an issue because of the way that she is so easy to abandoned her whole life for a man. In a perfect world, Ariel would be able to balance her family and her love.

SNOW WHITE: The plot of snow white is similar to sleeping beauty when it comes to the lack of consent that is shown. The reason that this is so significant is due to the fact that in both of the situations these women are left asleep and speechless, therefore unable to consent to the kiss. When looking at an additional article for more insight I came across this quote, “Though the by-laws to the Queen’s spell does include the by-law of love’s first kiss waking Snow White to life, it is problematic if Prince Charming simply assumes that role to himself.” This is crucial to my point because any man can just choose to take action to kiss the sleeping princess. Consent to young children is an important thing to learn and this strongly contradicts that. 

POCAHONTAS: Thus far I have looked at the anti-feminist ideologies in these movies, but I want to shift to look at that as well as the racism presented. Within the movie, Pocahontas the key element is the fact that it is a true story. This makes it important that there is historical accuracy to do the certain characters justice. The marriage between Pocahontas and john Rolfe (called John Smith in the movie) was believed by historians to be non-consensual as she was kidnapped by settlers. Furthermore, there are many inappropriate terms that are used by the settlers such as “heathens, savages, etc” when referring to the native people. The problems in this movie stem from the depictions of Native American people and the inaccuracy of the true story.

MULAN: Despite the fact that Mulan is one of the more feminist characters out of the group listed, there are misrepresentations present in the movie. Mulan the main character in the movie is seen to be more “westernized” compared to the other characters. “Mulan has paler skin than any of the other characters, as well as rounder eyes.” I found insight in a review on did where the author highlighted “Shan Yu is grey-faced and yellow-eyed with long, pointed fingernails like claws, and pointed fang-like teeth.” It is clear in the comparison of Mulan and Shan Yu that there are racist undertones. Furthermore, sexism plays into this throughout the lyrics of the songs in the film, “Men want girls with good taste, calm, obedient, who work fast-paced.” the shows those watching that you must fit into a category in order to be liked by the men around you. 

JASMINE: In the movie Alladin there are controversial scenes with microaggressions throughout the film. Jasmine is a woman who is controlled by the men in her life with little to no option to make her own decisions as her father wants a man to take care of her. As Jasmine doesn't wear a Hijab in the film there is a sense of feminism but it contradicts itself when Jasmine is only seen in a Hijab when disguised as a poor Muslim woman. When it comes to the things said in the film there are various things to point out. First, the mispronunciation of Arab words in the film is offensive to a culture that is not Disneys. The main characters such as Jasmine and Aladdin have lighter completions, while other characters are depicted as seeming to be more Middle Eastern. 

Sources for the Information above...

While not all of Disney should be looked at in a negative light, I believe that there are aspects that must be taken into consideration and ultimately hold Disney accountable to an extent. Although there are many ailments when examining Disney's acts on their characters, not all of these princesses confine themselves to the stereotype. I will now examine the positive aspects that can be seen in Disney films. When researching this assignment, the first article I came across was about princesses' positive effects on young girls. This was very surprising because when I went into this project, I planned on primarily focusing on the negative aspects. I believe that it is very common for those in slightly older generations to think that all older Disney princesses feed the wrong message but I was amazed to find this article that contradicts that motion.

Within the article above many important ideologies came to my attention. As previously mentioned there are negative aspects that surround many of the Disney princesses, but this article above was able to open my eyes to a different side of this argument. As mentioned in the title of the article in Time magazine, even the researcher was surprised by the results of the study. In a study by Sarah Coyne, various discoveries were made regarding how young girls have been affected when watching princess movies. The author of the article describes these results, "She was shocked to find that girls who were obsessed with princess culture at 5 were actually more likely to hold progressive views about gender roles—to advocate for both female empowerment and for men to express their emotions—at age 10." Finding out this information made me feel significantly better about the culture that surrounds princesses. As older people see the imperfections in these movies is very clear, to now that young children are not absorbing all of the bad things is very positive. Although this does not make it okay, young girls are powerful and will learn to use that power in amazing ways.

When looking at what I will be calling the more progressive princesses, there are many messages that can be positive for developing minds. In this section I will look at the stories behind Elsa, Ana, Merida, and Moana. Starting with looking at the movie Frozen there are many concepts that deny the ideas of following a man. As seen in the image above Elsa is clear that one should not marry a man they just met, while naive sister Ana thinks otherwise. She quickly falls for a man who ultimately is evil and out to get her. The movie progresses and in the final scene Elsa has created a giant snowstorm that her sister Ana and others have been trapped in. Ana who had been previously struck, was told that only an act of true love could thaw a frozen heart. Ana races to find her love interest and be saved. When he betrays her she freezes and it seems like all hope is lost. Then Elsa comes to her and huggs her and crys and she unfreezes. This message is so incredibly amazing for a multiude of reasons. To switch it up and have a story about sisterhood and the strong meanings behind it rather than another love story is a step in the right direction. For young audiences to see two main characters who are strong women as well as independent is extremely important. Lastly to bring the concept of a sister or friendship being able to heal a person is crucial to a new age of Disney movies. 

The next character that I believe is important for young minds to witness it Merida. Although Merida has a princess title, she does not play into the stereotypical role of a princess. She is tough, doesnt care about her appearance, and most importantly does not seek out a man. In this movie Merida is told she must marry but frankly she would rather shoot her bow and arrow and ride her horse. This movie has many more messages than just the idea that Merida does not want a husband, but when looking at this movie compared to older ones that stands out the most. Another important factor in this movie is the way that in the end Merida ultimately ends up by herself. She does not care about having a partner, and would rather be with her family and the company they can provide for her. One of the many reasons why this is important is because it sends a message to young minds that you dont need to have a partner. Not everyone has that desire and no one should be subjected to being with someone when they dont. Merida shows girls that life can be just as good with a man or not. It is movies such as Brave that continue to make disney movies progressive in a feminsit sense. 

The next progressive princess I will look at is Moana. The first thing to look at in this movie is the way that there is zero love interest. In almost every movie created by Disney there is a sense of two people falling in love with one another. Moana is simply on a mission to save her community, which is just one more positive thing in this movie. Further speaking there is more representation racially. Moana is a polynesian character and is actually for once represented as one within her features. In addition to this Moana is one of the frist Disney characters that I have seen that has a normal body. It is common that a princess is skinny and perfect and clean looking, which is not what everyone looks like. Having the representation of someone who isnt tiny is extremely important especially within childerens movie. The last aspect of this movie that is positive it the family and community. Moana seeks to go on a mission to restore the health of her home, not for a man but for her loved ones. 

While most are aware of the continuous racism in Disney productions, the representation that is given to white girls and no others has been harmful to those unrepresented. In the article below a researcher conducted a study to look into this aspect of Disney deeper. This study included asking young girls worldwide to draw a princess. The results were in a sense heartbreaking. "In this sample, nearly every drawing — 61 out of 63 — depicted a light-skinned princess, many of those resembling Disney characters. Fijian girls drew multiple Ariels; Indian girls drew Belles and Sleeping Beauties. Not one girl drew a princess in her country's traditional garb." This is all the more reason why representation matters so much for young minds. While looking further the researcher discovered that most young girls would pick the "traditional" white princesses over any of the others. Knowing this just furthers the need for Disney to continue to show more and more diversity when it comes to movies that are catered to young groups. This being said in the next section I will further look into the way that racism in Disney has been present for far too long.

Racist Moments from Disney Movies...

“Who's the fairest of them all?”---This quote from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves although seen to be fine has undertones of racism. The quotes allow for a sense that being white is being the "fairest" of them all or being superior in a sense.

“Keep on working / Stop that shirking / Pull that rope, you hairy ape”--- This quote from the movie Dumbo has very clear racism due to the fact that this is shouted at faceless black circus crows (actually workers).

The scene with Native Americans in Peter Pan and the depiction that is created is very racist. They are seen speaking gibberish and smoking copious amounts of tobacco out of a pipe, while also seen offering the pipe to the children such as Peter Pan.

Within the Lady and the Tramp, there is a song sung by two Siamese cats. In this song, they are seen with slanted eyes, bucked teeth, and East Asian accents. Within the remake, this was cleared by removing the song and changing the breed of the cats.

"Where they cut off your ear, if they don't like your face / It's barbaric, but hey, it's home."--- This quote from an Aladdin song was a part of the original lyrics to the song Arabian nights which was later just changed to "its barbaric, but hey, it's home". This change is somewhat different but still incredibly offensive to those from these areas.

With the information above it is very clear the offensive and horrible history is very much present. That being said there are been efforts over the past couple of years to include more diversity and representation. While there are many strides to be made movies like Raya and the last Dragon, Moana, and Frozen have made efforts in the right direction. When it comes to a goal that Disney needs to face the priority should be to continue to further to make movies that have different bodies, races, sexual identities, etc.

Sources for this section...

Conclusion...

To conclude I do believe that going back and looking at all of these storylines and plots are extremely important. Since media is something that has become bigger and bigger every year the things we allow children to watch matter. Despite certain studies that show that not all children are affected in a harmful sense, we still must make the effort to remove these points. We must raise the generations below us to feel able to be independent without the need to be with a man to make them happy. Teaching children through movies can be beneficial due to the fact that technology is something that is so prevalent in our world. My goal for this project was to illuminate the way that Disney has failed to empower young women in the past as well as offend communities with many racist undertones and micro-aggressions. I want my kids in the future to be able to watch movies and see every type of person and feel connected and represented when watching movies. Disney has come further than have in the past but there are still many different people that need attention and representation. Throughout this project, while examining all of these different points I felt sad in the sense that I was raised watching these films with no realization of all of these important points. Overall my goal of this was to show the way that there are so many little things that have been shown to us as young children that we were so oblivious to, but when looking at it later in life so many things become more apparent. Princesses do not need a man to save them or to come to their aid, the newer progressive princesses are independent Girl innovators who will do amazing things without a man or partner.

[fandom-imagines-stories]

There With You

Peeta Mellark x Reader

Words: 2532

Summary: A panic attack during the Victor’s tour leaves the reader gasping for breath backstage. Her fiance is able to calm her down, but now she’s afraid that what’s real and what’s pretend will blur together.

Notes: This is another kind of comfort fic based on my own experience, so I hope someone out there can connect with it. I love reading things to help calm myself down, so I hope that my comfort imagines can do that for somebody else. Plus Peeta is one of my comfort characters, so it works out. (Also, the reader has taken Katniss’ place in this scenario. Still love Katniss, but this fit the story)

Warnings: Panic attack, anxiety, the like (This is not a depiction of every kind of panic attack. This is just what I have experienced in the past)

-

None of this was supposed to happen. There wasn’t supposed to be two of you. There weren't supposed to be riots. The romance wasn’t supposed to be real.

Then why was he the only one keeping you from sprinting off that stage?

Peeta’s fingers were intertwined with yours as he spoke to the crowd, keeping you grounded. You tried to focus on the sound of his voice instead of the hundreds of eyes staring up at you. You looked up at the screens and saw her looking back at you. Her. The first person you’d ever killed and you couldn’t even bring yourself to think of her name.

Your breathing hitched and you could feel the squeezing, twisting grip around your throat. No no no not now. Not in front of the entire crowd. What would President Snow do to you if you broke down in front of an entire district? What would he do to Peeta?

“Thank you.” Peeta finished up his speech and a few people in the crowd reluctantly applauded. His eyes locked on your face, seeing a single tear fall down your cheek and he quickly led you off the stage.

He knew that District 9 would be the hardest for you. He still remembered the knife and the blood and the gore. You had killed her to save him. And now you had to live with that for the rest of your life.

The doors closed behind you and you immediately fell back against them, clutching your chest with your free hand. You ripped open the buttons on your high-necked dress, foolishly thinking that it would make it easier to breathe. The invisible hand had closed around your throat, knees crushing down your chest. When you closed your eyes, Clove was on top of you, choking the life out of you slowly, whispering all of the ways she was going to torment Peeta once you were gone.

“Let’s get her out of here.” Haymitch said, his expression a mix of worry and unease. He knew the image of a weak Victor would mean more problems that you weren’t ready to deal with. He remembered what it was like to be under the eye of the Capitol.

“I can’t… I can’t do this. Peeta, I can’t keep-” You gasped in between shaky breaths. Your vision was blurred at the sides and you were gripping the door to keep from collapsing. “I-I-”

“Shh, it’s okay. You don’t have to talk now.” Peeta said, putting a hand on your cheek. “Can you walk to the train?” You nodded, but couldn’t seem to bring your hands away from the door. Peeta looked back at Haymitch and Effie for a moment before turning back to you. “I’m going to carry you, okay?” You must have nodded because he kissed your cheek before scooping you up in his arms.

Your hands released the door and instead latched onto the lapel of his jacket. Every part of you was shaking and the weight on your chest was only getting heavier.

“P-Peeta.” You cried, feeling the tears welling up in your eyes.

“I’ve got you. We’re almost there.” He tried to hide the crack in his voice, trying to be the strong one for you, but seeing you like this split his heart in half. Haymitch and Effie huddled around you, trying to block the two of you from any prying eyes or cameras.

You didn’t notice when they finally got you onto the train. In your head, you were still on that stage, staring out at the little brothers of the girl you murdered. You thought for sure you were suffocating. Every breath was becoming harder and more painful than the last and the blackness at the edge of your vision was growing.

Peeta sat down, holding you in his lap and gently stroking his fingers through your hair.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you. You’re safe. You aren’t in the arena. You’re here with me.” He buried his face in your neck, gently pressing a kiss to the place between your shoulder and your spine. “You’re with me.”

“I’ll never leave that arena.” You whispered, your voice so quiet you weren’t sure if he even heard you.

This was far from the first attack you’d had since winning the games, but it was certainly the worst.

Haymitch and Effie just watched you with sympathetic eyes for a moment before leaving the two of you alone. Peeta held you tight until your breathing started to return to a steady pace. While your vision cleared, your body couldn't stop shaking and you couldn’t seem to pry your hands away from his jacket.

“I’m sorry.” You sniffed, trying to wipe panicked tears away on your sleeve.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I shouldn’t have made you go out there with me. I knew what it was going to be like for you and I should have-”

“They wouldn’t have let you go out there alone.” You shook your head. “There’s no hiding from them, Peeta.” You repeated your words like an echo, over and over again. “I’ll never leave that arena.”

“Then I’m right there with you.” He pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead and stood up, keeping you pressed against his chest. “Come on, we should try and get some sleep before we reach the next District.”

He carried you to your compartment and tucked you under the covers. He crawled up beside you without you having to ask. It had become an unsaid thing between the two of you. You kept the nightmares away as best as you could and when one of you woke up afraid, you weren’t alone.

-

Peeta had proposed for the cameras the day you left for the Victor’s tour, but it was all for show. The Capitol ate it up. When you really said yes, it was a week prior, just the two of you in the calming quiet in a meadow outside of the fence. It meant more that way.

Of course, Effie had picked out an extravagant ring for you to wear on stage and everything. It was gaudy and heavy and enough jewels to feed three districts for a month. But like the faked proposal, it wasn’t what was real.

You twisted the small bronze band around your finger, examining it in the faint light coming through the train windows. You had been awake for about an hour now, but Peeta’s peaceful sleep kept you from stirring. You rested in the warmth of his embrace and listened carefully to the slow, comforting sound of his heart beat.

You wanted to stay in this moment forever.

“Rise and shine you two.” Effie burst through the door and Peeta instantly went rigid beneath you, jolting up and pushing you behind him. You couldn’t see his face, but his expression frightened Effie. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think, I-”

“No, Effie, it’s okay. Really.” He said apologetically, his expression softening. “We’ll be out for breakfast in a second.”

“Alright. Don’t be long. I know they want to do a feature on engaged life. A little romance might be just what you two need.” She gave you both a small smile before walking out, the door sliding shut behind her. Peeta laid back on his elbows, blowing out a low sigh.

“I didn’t mean to scare her. I just heard the door open and all I could think was that someone was here to take you away.” He pulled you back down to him and gently pressed his lips to yours. Truthfully, he’d been in the middle of a nightmare when he heard Effie enter. He thought that the images in his head were becoming real.

“She’ll be okay.” You concluded, drawing circles on his chest . “Effie is tougher than she seems. And she knows what we’ve been through.” Despite her bright and sometimes obnoxiously optimistic attitude, you knew that Effie wasn’t a mindless pawn from the Capitol. She saw what the games did to you. She saw the children behind the victors.

Breakfast was mostly had in a settled quiet. While neither of you said anything, Haymitch glanced over at you and you nodded to let him know that you were okay. It was that silent understanding that was the foundation of your relationship with your former mentor.

“They’re doing an update interview to see how the Capitol’s darling lovebirds have been enjoying their tour.” Haymitch said gruffly. “Which means lots of blushing and doe-eyes from you two.”

“That won’t be hard.” Peeta noted, looking over at you. He meant it sweetly, but something about it sent a shiver of dread down your spine. You ignored it, giving him a small smile.

“It’s comforting to know we won’t need to convince anybody of the whole hopeless romantic thing.” Haymitch made a face. “You two do a wonderful job of making me nauseous all on your own.” Effie smacked him with her rolled up napkin.

“I think it’s wonderful.” She mused dreamily. “How something like that could bring you together.”

You stiffened, keeping your eyes on your plate, pushing your eggs around mindlessly with your fork. Sometimes you forgot that this was still all a TV show for people to gawk at. You would be the star crossed lovers from District 12 for the rest of your lives. No amount of real emotion you felt for Peeta was going to erase that.

The other three seemed to notice your shift and finished their meal in silence. Haymitch excused himself to the dining car for likely the rest of the day and Effie left to work on the speeches you’d have to read in front of District 8. You hadn’t eaten a bite, opting to sip slowly at your coffee instead.

“Just a few more days and we’ll get to go home.” Peeta said, noticing your empty stare and untouched meal. You just nodded, not really hearing him.

-

“So tell us, Peeta, when did you know that you wanted to propose?” Caesar grinned into the camera.

“Honestly, I knew the moment we stepped out of the arena that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.” Peeta gave your hand a squeeze and looked at you with complete and utter adoration. Caesar gasped in awe, eating up the fluffy romance that Peeta was perfect at portraying.

Is that all this is? The thought penetrated your mind before you could stop it. A performance? Is everything he says for the sake of the camera?

“I’m not sure if I’ll ever forgive you for not including me in the moment, Peeta.” Caesar pouted. “But it was just so sweet I can’t stay mad at you!” The two laughed and you forced a loving smile. “Really, proposing in front of the bakery just before you left for the tour- why, it’s probably the most romantic thing I have ever seen.”

“I’m glad it came off that way, because I was a nervous wreck!” Peeta exclaimed and they laughed again. You had to admire his acting ability. Maybe that’s what scared you so much.

He’s just performing. Is he performing with you?

“I think we all want to know,” Caesar beamed, turning his attention to you, “what was going through your head, Y/N? When Peeta got down on one knee?”

You pushed any doubt from your head and just focused on everything you knew was real. “Honestly, Caesar, I can’t think of a happier moment in my life. I never knew what I was missing until we found each other.”

“Don’t these two just make you believe in love, Claudius?” He gushed to his costar. “We’ll let the two of you get back to your tour, but I can’t say how excited we are to have you all to ourselves here in the Capitol.”

“We can’t wait.” Peeta grinned. You both smiled broadly, waiting for the little red recording light to turn off. As soon as the cameras were gone, Peeta lifted your hand up to his lips. “That went well.” He muttered against the skin of your palm.

“Yeah. I think they definitely believe that we’re the perfect couple.” You hadn’t meant to say it so bitterly, but as soon as the words left your mouth, Peeta’s expression changed.

“What’s wrong?” His eyes were different, the charisma that was there with Caesar was gone. His worry seemed to stem from something real, but you just couldn’t convince yourself that it was.

“Nothing.” None of this is real. It’s all just the games. What if you’re still in the arena? What if this is all in your head? You broke away from him, trying to hide the panic growing and growing inside you until it was all you could feel. You could hear him saying your name, but it sounded garbled and far away, like he was whispering in the rain.

What seized you now was unlike you’d ever felt before. Not only was it the dark panic that blurred your vision and tightened your throat until you couldn’t breathe- it was a complete disconnect from reality. It was like you were trapped inside one of their screens and you were banging on the glass, trying to get out.

-

You didn’t realize you had fainted until you woke up in Peeta’s arms. His was sitting up, cradling you in his lap like he had before, only now you were in your room and you had a blanket draped around your shoulders. You jerked away, your mind still terrified that even this wasn’t real.

“Woah, hey it’s okay. I’m right here.”

“This isn’t real. None of this is real.” You whispered in a panic, still trying to push away from him. This was the Capitol. They were in your head. “You aren’t real.” As hard as you shoved against him, his strong arms were locked around you. He pressed a kiss to your temple, holding you closer.

“I’m right here. I’m real. Just breathe. Come on, stay with me.” While his voice was soothing, your vision was still blurred with hot tears.

“We can never escape this. Every second of our lives belongs to them. Nothing is real. It’s all theirs.”

Peeta pulled away, taking your hand in his. He slid the bronze ring off your finger and held it up.

“This is ours. It’s not Snow’s, it’s not the Capitol’s, it’s ours. It’s real and it’s ours.” He put the ring back on and moved your hand to his chest. You could feel his heart beating beneath your fingertips. “I’m real,” He looked at you with a gentle and yet intense love, “and I am completely yours.”

You wiped away your tears and laid a hand on his cheek. “Peeta-”

“And no matter the nightmare, no matter the fear, or when your mind takes you back to the games, just remember I will always be there with you.”

He pulled you back to him and the two of you remained- away from the cameras and away from the Capitol. At least for now, you weren’t victors. You were a boy and a girl who had saved each other.

[cipheress-to-k-pop]

Hello!! sorry to bother you could write a ben 10 x reader? (the reader is kidnapped by vilgax and ben has to save her, after that ben and the reader has an argument) please, i love your fics!!

Storm Before The Calm

Pairing: Pre-Established; Ben Tennyson x Reader

Warnings: None

Word Count: 3.4k words

A/N: I changed up the request a bit (I figured it shouldn't matter which villain was used here) also I was planning to have this as sort of a damsel in distress situation but after having a chat with some boys pigs I decided a self indulgant badass reader was right up my alley

Additional A/N: I have a math exam on Thursday and I cannot focus for the life of me. So, I decided to finish up one of my drafts. Now hopefully I'll be able to work like a robot for the next week, after satisfying my creative side. Also, this fic was super self indulgant.

"I trust Ben.” You did. With your entire being.

Kevin chuckled from beside you, “Yeah, try saying that without cracking the fillings in your teeth and maybe we’ll believe you.”

His words caused you to relax, only then realizing how hard your jaw was clenched in fury. Gwen sighed in disappointment and for a second you wanted to defend her cousin and your boyfriend. Until you realized that he deserved every bit of unbridled anger coming to him.

“I trust him. Doesn’t mean I’m not mad at him.”

Your hands were balled into tight fists and even though you wanted to take your eyes off the television screen and take a warm bath, you also for some reason couldn’t stop yourself from watching it.

Like you were afraid something would happen when your eyes were off the screen for even a second. Maybe you didn’t trust him.

But honestly how could you, you were currently watching your boyfriend relax in a hot tub with Jennifer Nocturne and the sight was enough to send bile up your throat.

Ben wasn’t returning any of her advances, but he wasn’t stopping her either. And the thought made you sick to your stomach. You knew Ben was faithful and you knew he would never cheat on you but watching how the Hollywood starlet continued to hang off him sent waves of jealousy through you.

Not to mention anger at the fact that he wasn’t doing anything to stop her. When he got back, you were going to wring his neck.

Trusting him was getting harder with Gwen constantly insisting that you dump him.

Honestly, you wondered how that girl even kept a relationship.

When Ben eventually came home, all the entertainment channels were still talking about the two of them and the well-known picture of Jennifer Nocturne kissing him was circulating about. Each time you looked at that image, you wanted to shoot an arrow at the TV.

As time went by, your anger slowly fizzled out. You were unable to maintain your rage at Ben, quickly getting a headache and feeling tired of trying to maintain negative emotions. Even then, you couldn't push down the uneasy feeling in your heart that seized your stomach.

You kept expecting a text message from Ben, an apology call but as the night proceeded you understood that he was having way too much fun with another woman to even think about how you must be feeling.

The thought of that made you want to go back home and crawl underneath the covers, hiding away from the rest of the world.

But Gwen was persistent and any time you tried to wiggle away from the pair of them and go home, she insisted that you stay and make sure Ben knew how upset he made you tonight.

You were more than happy to give your boyfriend the cold shoulder until he apologized rather than have to confront him. That was just how your relationship with Ben worked. Neither of you were the type to lose your tempers and yell and scream at each other.

Although you were worried what would come out of this. Would you be able to peacefully discuss your feelings and then come to some sort of conclusion civilly? Seems too good to be true honestly.

Even then you waited until Ben came home, listening to Gwen and Kevin about how you should rip the band aid off and get everything off your chest rather than ignore him for a couple of days until the two of you got bored.

Usually, the latter would work but you had an inkling that it wouldn't be the solution for this particular argument because if you didn't communicate your emotions then he would never know how you felt about it.

So, even though your stomach filled with anxiety and sadness as the hours passed, you still didn't leave, determined to talk to him about it.

Your jaw was clenched tight when he finally did come back home, utterly relaxed and even happy like he wasn't just curled up against some Hollywood starlet while his girlfriend was watching it on E!

"I'm really upset with you." You ground out when Kevin and Gwen left, not knowing how else to start the conversation.

"What for?"

You didn't reply, picking up the remote and flicking to a gossip channel, then a news channel, then an interview show and all of them had the picture of Ben Tennyson and Jennifer Nocturne locking lips.

Ben winced, "She kissed me! I didn't even return it."

You still refused to look at you, crossing your arms aggressively, "Uh huh and what was today all about?"

"It's just publicity. Jennifer thinks that it'll help with my career."

You scoffed, "What career?"

Ben's back tensed up and he turned to give you a stiff expression, "I'm a superhero. I've saved the universe a thousand times and now that I'm finally getting recognition for it, you want to be petty?"

"Petty? You think I'm being petty? Well forgive me for getting upset after watching my boyfriend curl up to some other woman in a hot tub for the last five hours!" You bit, standing up from the couch.

"It wasn't like that! Stop blowing everything out of proportion!"

"No, you stop pretending like this isn't a big deal! Ever since your secret got out you've been acting like an ass and since meeting that blonde rat it's only gone through your head more!" You shouted, clenching your hands at your sides. How could he not see your side of this?

"Well shouldn't I get to enjoy my life once in a while?! I'm the one saving the planet constantly! I'm the one with constant death threats and near death experiences every other week! Shouldn't I get some attention for it?! God knows I don't get any from you!" He yelled back and you grit your teeth.

"Don't forget that while you were out there risking your life, we were right beside you!"

"Oh, so that's what it is, you're jealous that everyone thinks of you as the sidekick!"

"That is so NOT what this is about!"

"Oh really? Because it sounds like you're jealous because you're not getting attention by mooching off of me!"

Your eyes widened in shock. Mooching? Did he seriously think that you risked your life alongside him every day to help other people and more importantly, keep him safe, for attention?

Your body trembled, outraged and you didn't say another word, leaving his house in a rush and slamming the door behind you.

You needed something to hit.

***

Your body pumped with adrenaline and anger, muscles itching to be used as you sauntered through the old and run-down factory with reckless abandon. You briefly wondered whether you should've told Gwen or Kevin you were going there but then decided against it, pride and anger too great.

Any doubts or hesitation you had disappeared when you saw Vulkanus, standing tall and broad in his metal suit. And as per usual, he had his herd of minions doing his physical labour.

"If it isn't the Plumber's sweetheart." He drawled once he noticed you. You didn't bother with the stealth, leaving the door wide open behind you and letting the sunlight seep in. If he knew what was good for him, then this would be over quick.

"Hello Vulkanus." You greeted politely and he rolled his eyes. Of all people, he knew just how misleading your innocence was.

"Where's the cavalry?"

"Just me today." You answered and for a second you were confused by your own confidence. Maybe you were taking this just a little too easy. Oh well, that was another thing you could blame your pig-headed boyfriend for.

"Well then, this is going to be easier than I thought. Hope you said goodbye to your boyfriend, sweetheart." He rasped out and the corner of your mouth twitched into a smirk. Without another word, you raised your arms, feeling the familiar heat of fire in the palm of your hand before chucking it at him.

Just as you knew he would, he sent his minions towards you first. They were embarrassingly unskilled but the problem came in numbers. They swarmed around you like ants and you felt yourself getting irritated at the clicking sound they were making.

Unfortunately for Vulkanus his make-shift factory was right beside a dam which gave you an endless supply of the elements to work with.

Summoning all the water you could manoeuvre, you pulled it into the factory, shattering the windows along with it and flooding the room. It only took a few flicks of your wrist to create a whirlpool in the centre, knocking all the workers off their feet.

You stiffened your hands, curling in your fingers and the temperature dropped, the water solidifying with each second until all of them were encased in ice. Another flick of the wrist had the path clearing between you and Vulkanus, who was still warm.

"You-You're sparing me?" He asked, confused and a dry laugh left you.

"Not at all," You sang, eyes turning dark, "I'm giving you special treatment."

Vulkanus bounded towards you, holding his mallet high and you swiftly dodged, using water on the floor to slide quickly. He crashed into the engine of one of his machines, the fuel tank exploding and spewing fowl smelling petrol onto the floor.

It floated above the level of water and began surrounding both of you.

He once again came at you, letting out a roar and you used the water to sink through the crevices of his suit, freezing it from within and you heard the satisfying sound of his suit cracking.

Just a little more strength and forcing a gust of air through the cracks had it falling apart and his frail body fell out of its metal encasing.

"You'll pay for this! You big bully!"

"Thanks for the fun time today, Vulkanus." You smiled, strutting to the door just as confidently as you came in. Even though your body was burning from the workout and you could barely breathe, you still couldn't get over the high.

Before leaving the building, you turned around to see him still glaring at you from his place on the floor.

"Oh, I should probably free your minions, right?" You commented, eyes flickering between the ones still encased in ice and the floor that was still flooded with water and petrol.

You let out a fake sigh, "I guess I'll be nice today," You winked at Vulkanus, "Thanks for the playdate, sweetheart."

His eyes widened when you blew a kiss to him, watching in fear as you ignited a flare in your palm and blew it towards him before turning around and using the wind to slam the doors behind you. When you were just a few feet away you heard the place blow apart.

Slowly, the adrenaline began melting and the blood rushing through your ears was much more audible. You were panting, tired from the exercise and the thought of calling Kevin to come and pick you up. Or maybe even Ben. You were calm enough now to have a conversation with him.

When you pulled your phone out of your pocket you felt a hand on your shoulder and spun around to meet eyes with Captain Nemesis. For a brief second you were wondering if he was here to invite you to some inane party or even to tell you that Ben was at one.

Although you hardly looked the part, you were sweating and your face was probably red and blotchy.

"Can I help you?" You asked, taking a step back, he was a little too close to you and the look in his eye freaked you out.

"As a matter of fact, you can." He said, "You see I'm arranging a little stunt for Ben Tennyson. An opportunity if you will, to showcase some of his heroism."

You rolled your eyes, turning away from him. The last thing you wanted to do was feed Ben's ego at the moment.

"With all due respect, I don't really think I'm up for a damsel in distress routine right now, Captain, I'd rather just get home. And If you take another step towards me, I'll kick you where the sun doesn't shine." You snapped and he backed off obediently, raising his hands in a form of surrender.

"That's too bad." He mused and you turned away from him, intent on walking back home or even calling a cab. Anything to get away from this creep faster.

"Too bad you don't really have a choice."

You felt his hand on your bare shoulder again but before you could even react you felt volts of electricity rush through you. You gasped painfully, feeling fire through your veins before everything started to hurt.

White burned in your vision and colours started to blur together as your eyes filled with tears. Your body crumbled, falling forward and Captain Nemesis caught you.

Right before your consciousness slipped away you heard him say something.

"For your sake, you better hope that Ben Tennyson is as great as those gossip channels make him out to be."

***

When you felt yourself regaining consciousness, you could feel your weight pulling down and also couldn't feel the ground. This had your eyes snapping open, regardless of how dizzy you were and how many dots were in your vision.

You hazily made out the venue, Nemesis Tower, before recognize the blonde woman tied up beside you. It didn't take long before you realized she was tied to the other end of the rope, suspended through mid-air just like you.

This was no doubt going to be some sort of deathly choice.

You noticed when Ben came in, turning into Ultimate Humangasaur. He looked furious, like you've never seen him before and you knew it was because Ben was certain he'd teach him a lesson today.

"Where's (Y/N)." He all but growled and your heart soared. You didn't realize how much you missed him until now, everything from before was forgotten.

"Right up there. And so is Jennifer." He replied, still smug despite the way Ben was pining him to the ground by his throat. Ben followed his gaze to meet your eyes and you took a deep breathe, bracing yourself.

A selfish part of you wanted to stay and see what Ben would do, would he save you even though Jennifer was a civilian and world famous?

Even then you figured that you shouldn't risk anyone's life for petty jealousy, so you took a deep breath, blowing it out through your mouth and watching as a gust of wind blew past, the pressure making you swing.

You swung a few feet back, letting your body fall a little before blowing again. Once you gained enough momentum, you looked up to the rope tying the two of you together and spitting fire at it, falling at an angle. You briefly heard Jennifer scream and revelled in her karma for a hot second.

On your way down, you quickly burnt off the rest of the ropes, bringing a pool of water to crystallize into a makeshift slide as you slide on your knees across the floor, just in time to catch Jennifer in your arms.

Your knees stung as they scraped across the concrete and the wind was knocked out of you when the woman fell into your form.

She gasped and her eyes that was screwed shut gently fluttered open. Up close you could understand why everyone was in love with her. Even then you couldn't spare her any concern.

You quickly pushed her out of your arms, noticing Gwen and Kevin staring at you in awe when you stood up. You cracked your knuckles, making your way over to the older man with a scowl.

"For your sake, you better hope that I'm just as weak as you think I am. Spoiler alert, I'm not."

Ben spared a small smile at you but you couldn't feel anything aside from hot fury. You felt water surge beneath your fingers and threw it at him, pulling up a wall of earth to block his blasts.

Your boyfriend immediately began fighting alongside you and your bodies fell into a familiar rhythm. Even though there was a crazed narcissist trying to kill you, you felt safe beside Ben.

It wasn't long before the four of you managed to overpower him, rendering his armour useless until he was defeated, lying pathetically on the ground.

You walked up to him and your lips twisted into an unimpressed frown when you noticed the way he had the audacity to glare at you. Without a second word, you raised your leg and kicked him right between the legs.

"I always keep my promises, Captain."

Kevin began laughing behind you and Ben cringed.

Finally, when you turned to meet Ben, now de-transformed, all the fight left your body and you relaxed. He looked apologetic and you let him approach you.

His arms wrapped around your waist and you leaned into him, breathing the familiar scent of his deodorant and snaking your arms under his jacket to fist his T-shirt.

He sighed into your hair, arms tightening around your body, "I'm sorry. For being an ass to you and saying all those horrible things, I was being an idiot and you deserve an apology."

You didn't move, not pulling away from the way your forehead was pressed against the length of his neck, "Thank you for coming to save me."

"Didn't look like you needed much help." He chuckled and you felt happy hearing the pride in his voice.

"I missed you." You murmured, holding him a little tighter and he turned his head to kiss your forehead gently. And just like that, everything was right in the world. Just as long as you were in each other's arms.

"I love you."

You heard the click of a camera and your head snapped up to see a herd of cameramen and reporters along with a couple of police cars. Ben laughed nervously beside you, "I guess we won't have to worry about another actress coming between us."

You gave him an unimpressed frown and he just smiled, leaning to peck your lips and you heard the crowd of reporters’ gasp and heard the shutters of cameras before they began shouting questions at you.

You pulled away from him when you saw Jennifer Nocturne make her way towards you. You figured she wanted to snuggle up to Ben now that the cameras were filming.

Instead, she walked right up to you, hugging you tightly and your arms flailed pathetically beside her, unsure of what to do, "You saved my life! I don't know how to thank you!"

She pulled away for just a second before pressing a kiss to your lips. Your eyes widened in alarm and the shutters began once again and flashes practically blinded you.

"Huh, so that's what that feels like." Ben murmured when she pulled away from you. Kevin was smirking beside him, satisfied that he got a taste of his own medicine and Gwen was just in shock.

Ben felt his stomach turn at the sight of Jennifer’s lipstick on your mouth and you were unsure whether you should feel repulsed or cocky.

But as you wiped the pigment off your lips and curled back into Ben's side you couldn't feel anything other than your burning muscles and your drooping eyelids.

You squinted because of the bright lights, feeling a headache grow as the exhaustion from before crept up on you again. After 2 fights and a kidnapping today, there was nothing more you wanted than a nap.

"Wanna go home?" Your ever observant boyfriend asked just as the nausea started to kick in. You nodded and he guided you away from the reporters to his car.

He gently placed you into the front seat, shielding your head as you got in to prevent you from hitting it against the hood before buckling your seatbelt, watching carefully as you drifted into a sound sleep.

Ben heard everyone behind him swoon as he lovingly placed a kiss to your knuckles and then climbed into the seat beside you, sparing you one last warm glance before starting the car and driving away.

He'd definitely notice the shy smile on your face when you saw that Ben kissing you was on the front page of a magazine.

And you'd notice the jealous scowl he'd have when he saw that Jennifer kissing you was on the front page of another.

[yoditorian]

close to what

frankie morales/reader

as part of @din-damn-djarin‘s birthday song challenge, i picked dancing under red skies by dermot kennedy. it’s a favourite song of mine, i think it’s beautiful, and i felt like it fit this idea i’ve had swirling around for a little bit. this fic is extremely personal to me but it’s also not pretty. i don’t want to romanticise addiction or use it as a plot device, so PLEASE READ THE WARNINGS.

the support group and hospital drop-off box is drawn directly from my own experience. my inbox and ask box are always open if you need to talk, but i am by no means a professional. if you are struggling with themes of this fic a quick internet search should help you find resources local to you 💛

main masterlist

word count: 3.2k // warnings: addiction, PTSD, nightmares (inc. death mentions), recovery and relapse, therapy mentions, hospital mention, references to past substance abuse, implied reader is in addiction recovery, swears probably, ‘they’ as a pronoun in reference to the reader

Your ringtone is obnoxiously loud in the darkness of your bedroom but at least that means you don’t have to worry about where it is, reaching out blindly towards your nightstand where it blares by your head.

“You’re from the group thing, right? He’s mentioned you a few times.”

You don’t recognise the voice on the other end, maybe you should have checked who it was before answering. You pull the phone away from your ear for a second and glance at the time first, 4:03am. No call at four in the morning can involve good news. But it’s the name on the screen that has you wide awake in a split second: Frankie. 

“Is he okay?” You ask, putting whoever it is on speaker while you fumble for the lamp on your bedside table. An old sweater hangs over your bedpost, the logo of a sports team you’ve never heard of cracked and faded beyond recognition, and you tug it over your head in a panic.

“I don’t know, he’s locked himself in the bathroom. I just- he won’t come out. He won’t listen to me, he always listens to me.”

There’s a stifled something and a quiet knock. But no sound from Frankie, just the shaking sigh of the man you’re speaking to. He tells you his name quietly, Santiago, and you remember Frankie mentioning his oldest friend. An image pops up in your mind as you wrestle your jeans on, a fuzzy picture on Frankie’s phone screen, passed to you over the sticky table in a diner, of two men standing knee-deep in a river. Soaked to the bone but grinning ear to ear. Pope’s got him, if no one else has. That’s what he told you.

You stay on the phone with Santiago on the drive over, convincing yourself it's out of concern for him instead of the anxiety churning in your stomach. Frankie still makes no sound in the bathroom, the door stays locked, and you try not to think too hard before you have all the facts.

The Santiago that meets you at Frankie’s front door is a far cry from the man in the photograph. He looks exhausted, on the verge of tears. You’re pretty sure you’re not faring much better. 

“Last door,” He breathes, “Down the hall.”

You follow his instructions, finding the only closed door in the hallway and tapping lightly on the painted wood. Listening for a moment, you can just barely hear a shuddering breath. That’s better than nothing, at least it means he’s alive.

“Frankie?” You try, praying that he’ll relent when he realises it’s you. Santiago stands at the other end of the hall, wringing his hands together, phone trapped between his ear and his shoulder as he whispers frantically into it. He barely catches himself from crashing to his knees when the bathroom door clicks softly. 

“Can I come in?” You have to ask him. All this has to be on his terms, he has to set the boundaries. Anything less than that is dangerous, you won’t risk him hurting himself. 

He says nothing, but the door pulls back just a fraction of an inch and that’s all the confirmation you need. You push the door open enough to slip inside and shut it softly behind you again. 

Frankie’s sitting on the floor, his back against the bathtub and legs stretched out in front of him. A quick look over proves he’s not hurt, and you’d breathe a sigh of relief if it weren’t for the little ziplock bag between his knees. 

He’s very pointedly not looking at it, or you, instead choosing to glare at a spot on the ceiling. You maneuver yourself to sit opposite him, against the wall with your knees tucked up against your chest. 

“Did you take any?” It almost feels wrong to break the silence that’s settled over the two of you.

You wait with bated breath until he gives the slightest shake of his head. He hasn’t touched it. Okay, that’s the worst case scenario eliminated. It’s enough to have your heart rate calm a little, it doesn’t make things better by a long shot, but at least it’s something.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” You ask, picking at a loose thread of your sweatshirt. 

His chin falls to his chest and he pulls his knees up towards him and you’re sure this is it. This is where you lose him. But Frankie takes a deep breath. And then another. And then, he musters the courage to look you in the eyes. He doesn’t see pity, not like he thought he would. You don’t look disappointed or upset or angry, the way he was so sure you would be. You’re just waiting, letting him take the reins, he stores the knowledge away. In case he ever needs to dig you out.

“I don’t know what happened,” God, his throat is scratchy, “I just- I had a bad night. And I called Pope, and then-”

He breaks off with a heart-wrenching crack in his voice and you can’t help but reach out to him. Just a hand, stretched across the space between you. He holds onto you like his life depends on it.

“And I remembered I kept a bag on top of the medicine cabinet. And now you’re here.”

It’s to the point, simple, methodical. Like he’s back in the army and giving a flight report to his CO. You wonder if that’s what he needs right now, maybe spelling things out is better for him than asking what it is you can do. It’s easier, sometimes, when someone just tells you what’s going to happen. 

“Do you want to take it?” You have to know, for his safety if nothing else. You need him to tell you if there’s going to be a problem, if there’s a risk and he needs more than you. He knows you’re not going to walk out the door and give up on him if he says yes. 

It has to be his choice. 

Frankie shakes his head again, a grimace on his face like he feels sick at the thought, and you squeeze his fingers between yours. You need him to understand that he hasn’t failed, that he won’t fail. Tripping up and falling behind are part of the process, and you know he knows that. He’s been going to the support group longer than you have. Recovery is messy and far from simple. He’ll get back to where he was, one bad night isn’t going to ruin him.

Your lower back aches from the hardwood floor but you show no sign of discomfort, waiting until Frankie is completely back in his own head before you make any move to suggest where to go from here.

“There’s a drop-off box at the hospital, you fancy a drive?” You keep his hand in yours, terrified that he’ll slip back if you let go. 

God, he hates this. He hates that he can’t even look at you for more than a few seconds without his resolve threatening to crack. He hates that you’re not angry at him for any of it, not even a little bit. He deserves anger, he deserves your disappointment.

You were never supposed to see him like this, that much he’s sure of. Or, he convinced himself of at least. He’s been going to group and therapy and he’s kept up his tests and he’s stayed far away from anything that might even tempt him a little. And that was before you even showed up. Standing awkwardly in the doorway with a nervous smile and eyes the size of dinner plates. But he’d been by your side in a flash, asking you to give him a hand setting up chairs, and that was it. 

Frankie knows the ins and outs of recovery, you don’t need to tell him that he hasn’t failed. But he can’t help feeling like maybe he never really started in the first place, leaving that one bag out of sight. Life had been busy enough to preoccupy him, between everything else he kind of just forgot about it. He let it gather dust and it should have stayed that way. 

And then, it felt like he was falling out of the sky. And he couldn’t do a thing to stop it.

Nightmares aren’t an unusual thing for him, or for any former soldier, but the memories they stem from seem to warp into something else entirely when he’s too tired to pay attention. Sometimes he’s alone in the helicopter, sometimes he’s with family, sometimes strangers. It was his team tonight. A vivid memory of a time he almost couldn’t save them. 

The crash never happened, he knows that. He’d righted the bird and got his team to safety the way he knew he could. But that knowledge doesn’t stop his mind from wandering, from drowning him in fear when he imagines what might have happened had he not done his job. If they’d crashed in the middle of nowhere. Would any of them have died on impact? Would they have been left stranded, wounded and starving? He’s woken up in a cold sweat too many times, each ending more horrific than the last.

Tonight had been the last straw. And Frankie had found himself in his bathroom, patting along the top of the medicine cabinet, before he could even realise what he was doing.

He’d called Santiago, still blinking back images of his best friend’s bloody and lifeless face, just to hear his voice initially. But he hadn’t managed to explain anything past the sob lodged in his throat, and he’d heard the jingle of car keys before he could tell Pope he didn’t need to drive all the way across town at two o’clock in the morning. 

At least nobody had called Will, because that would have meant that Benny would have shown up too. Maybe even Tom would have dragged his ass out of bed. Frankie didn’t need to disappoint all his friends in one night. 

Santiago is bound by friendship, best and oldest, he’d never say anything if Frankie didn’t want him to. And you, you’re bound by- well, you’re not really bound by anything. You could get up off of his bathroom floor right now and never look back. Get to your feet, and walk right out of his life. But you won’t. 

He knows you won’t because you’re still holding tight to his hand, even though the angle and distance has you leaned forward awkwardly. You’re still looking at him like you believe in him, even though he almost threw everything he’s worked so hard for down the drain. You’re here, despite everything. Despite only knowing him for a couple of months, despite getting a call from a stranger at four in the morning, despite everything he’s done to be undeserving of anything good or kind in his life.

You’re here, still, looking at him like he can do anything. That’s something. That’s enough for him.

“I don’t even want to look at it.” Frankie croaks, and keeps his eyes steady on yours even as his voice wavers. To anybody else, he might sound unsure. But you hear that steely determination underneath it all, the same one that’s convinced you to keep moving any time you’ve faltered. 

“That’s okay, I can take it.” You waste no time in snapping the little bag up in your free hand, and stuffing it in your back pocket. A phone rings in the hall, hurriedly answered, and you suddenly remember the other man waiting outside.

Frankie’s still looking at you, dark eyes unsteady and unsure, and you squeeze his fingers to ground him. He comes back to you, slowly, and takes a few shaky breaths. 

“Do you want him to come with, or?” You leave the question open. His choice, entirely, the way everything tonight has been. He lost control for a moment and fought, tooth and nail, to get it back. You can’t take any decision about this away from him.

He shakes his head, loosens his grip on your hand, and asks you to give him a minute. It hurts, leaving him alone on his bathroom floor. But he’ll come out, you’re certain of that much.

“Is-” Santiago cuts himself off when you emerge and pull the door just shy of closed behind you, like he’s afraid to even ask the question. Let alone know the answer.

“He’ll be okay. We’re taking his last stash to the drop-off box.”

Santiago’s whole body sags in relief, and you can’t help but lean against the wall for support yourself. The little ziplock bag in your back pocket is a weight you don’t think you’ll ever stop carrying, even after it’s disposed of, but you’re more than happy to bear it when Frankie steps out of the bathroom and Santiago tugs him into a hug that almost breaks his ribs.

It’s easy to forget, when you get that low, that you have people. But they’ll always show up when you call. 

You leave them to their moment and shuffle back through to the main room, your car keys and phone left on the kitchen counter where you’d abandoned them. You’re not sure why you bother checking your messages, maybe it’s to keep your hands busy, maybe it’s so you don’t feel like you’re intruding on Frankie and his oldest friend. They speak in hushed tones as your thumbnail scratches back and forth across a crack in your screen protector. 

“I’m sorry.” Frankie’s voice is rough, muffled into the other man’s shoulder. 

“Don’t be,” Pope squeezes him just a little tighter before pulling back far enough to look him in the eye, “Be sorry you didn’t tell me they were so pretty.” 

It should feel odd, the way that he speaks as though the last few hours haven’t even happened. How a simple, harmless joke is all it takes for Frankie’s heart to settle. Pope doesn’t hate him, couldn’t hate him, 

“Didn’t I?” A shy, shaky smile settles on his features as Santiago stifles a yawn, “Crash here tonight, you’re not driving anywhere on no sleep.” 

Ever the caretaker, even in the wake of his worst moments. It’s a hard habit to break after all they’ve been through. Something tells Frankie, even as Pope relents and walks through to the living room to find a blanket and settle on the couch, he’ll still be awake once they get back. 

You’re quiet when he follows you out of his apartment, quiet as your footsteps echo in the stairwell, quiet when you cross the street to your car and unlock the doors. Part of him still worries that you’re disappointed, that you’re angry or upset or that he’s fucked up so bad that you’ve already decided to drop him home without a word and he’ll never hear from you again.

But another look at you out of the corner of his eye as you plug your seatbelt in disproves any other theory he might have. You’re quiet because you know that he doesn’t need you to talk, that he just needs you right here beside him so he can be brave enough to take the next step.

The radio is playing some acoustic, folky sounding song that neither of you have heard before, and it’s comforting to just sit and absorb the peace of the night as you drive. You’re conscious of Frankie’s eyes on you, although you’re sure he’s trying to be subtle about his staring. His seemingly unwavering attention does little to quiet the voice you’ve been hearing in the back of your mind for the last few weeks.

He still can’t quite believe it. That you’d wake up, in the middle of the night, and haul ass across town for him. For him. Something about it somehow makes ribcage feel like it's about to burst and cave in at the same time. But now is definitely not the time to be thinking about the tiny baby crush he may or may not be developing on you. 

You don’t miss the way he tenses when you pull into the hospital parking lot, muscles locked so tight that a stiff breeze could shatter him into pieces. He turns to you when you say his name softly, and his eyes are wide with a terror so familiar that your heart breaks in your chest.

“I can’t do it.” He chokes the admission out like it’s poison, and in just four words you can hear every ounce of hatred he has for himself in this moment. He thinks he’s weak, because he can’t even throw a little plastic bag into a hatch, because he can’t even bring himself to move. 

“That’s okay. Did you want me to?” You offer, it’s plain as day on his face that he doesn’t know how to ask you.

You’re grateful for the unusual warmth of the night when you step out of the car, comfortable enough not to need a jacket at this time of day. The sky is just starting to turn that odd shade of blue-grey, the barest hints of dawn on the horizon. Another day, just like tomorrow will be. Sometimes, the next day is all you can hope for. 

The metal handle is cold when you wrap your hand around it and haul the creaky hatch open, you fish the bag out of your pocket and don’t even pay it a second glance as you set it on the little shelf and let the door snap shut. Gone. But you can still feel it eating away at you, you can still see how it weighs on Frankie’s shoulders when you shuffle across the concrete and climb back into the car.

He says he’s not hungry when you ask, and you don’t push it. He’ll eat when he’s ready. He’ll live when he’s ready. You don’t mind, you’ve got a better idea anyway.

“Where are we going?” He asks when he realises you’re heading completely the opposite way from his apartment building. You shoot him a smile, turning your eyes back to the road before you can read too far into the look in his eyes. 

The beach is dead, just like you thought it would be, and you’re grateful as you shut off the engine. 

“We are gonna throw rocks in the sea.” You say and part of him wonders if you’ve always known exactly what he needs. 

If someone had told Frankie, twenty four hours ago, that he’d be skipping pebbles on the sea with you at sunrise, he would have laughed. But here he is, flecks of the rising sun on the sea reflecting on your face, and you’re smiling at him like that as a breeze ruffles his hair. Maybe this is all he needs to find the courage to stare right down the barrel of his faults. He doesn’t know how you do it, maybe you can do it together.

You reach over and take his hand when you spot the lone tear tracking its way down his cheek. 

“You’ll be alright. I promise.” You smile just as the sun finally breaks fully over the horizon, sky streaked with orange and pink. 

“Yeah, I know.” Frankie can’t help but smile back.

TAGLIST (add yourself here):

@brothersdrxke @keeper0fthestars @thevoiceinyourheadx @firstofficerwiggles @1800-fight-me @ew-erin @chatterbean

[kalimba-keys]

Where’s that one instrument that I can just like...vibe with?

Did you grow up hearing your mom or dad make plans for you to learn the piano, the violin, the guitar, or any of those other mainstream instruments? Or have you found yourself wanting to take your savings and buy an instrument yourself? Among the ones you looked at, were they bulky, expensive, so intricate that you couldn’t just pick them up and start playing them?  Me too.

Maybe you want to try something different - something you can carry everywhere and make people stop and stare - but the farthest you can get from a piano is a harmonica...oh wait! Isn’t the harmonica the most purchased instrument worldwide? It is according to several sources.

Sooo...you’re stuck. Well, you stumbled across this blog didn’t yah? Take it as a sign.

Let me tell you about one of the world’s most inexpensive, versatile, decently sized, overall underrated, “I can just pick this up and start playing” instruments...the Kalimba. 

So what the heck is it? 

The kalimba, also known as the thumb piano, is a modern take on the Africa-originated mbira.

They are typically made with a hollow, wooden base with the option of having a circular sound outlet, a vibration batten, a cylindrical sound nut, two sound holes on the back, and a number of metal keys, formerly known as “tines”, which can range from as little as 5 tines to as many as 34 - or more if you count the ones that people DIY. However, people tend to go for 17 key kalimbas (like the one in the picture above). 

Kalimbas are played using, you guessed it, your thumbs. But an important note to make is that you need to grow your nails a little in order to use it. Luckily, sometimes they come with thumb guards when you purchase them. You essentially swipe the nail of your thumb against (or pluck) one of the tines in order to create a sound. The sound will resonate through the hollow wood and out through the sound outlet –if you have one that is – creating this pretty, harmonic, harp-like, reverberating sound. 

Oh, and here’s a fun little tip: you can cover and uncover the sound holes at the back using your middle fingers to create a “WAH” sound which can add flair to whatever song you’re playing! 

In terms of tune, it is typical for kalimbas to be pre-tuned to the C key, specifically, the upper octave of the C major scale. The G major scale would be considered the second most popular pre-tuned kalimba scale. However, either can be adjusted with a tuning hammer – the tool used to change the pitch or key of a kalimba. 

It is a metal tool used to adjust the position and distance of the kalimba’s tines from the bridge, using light taps on each. So, in essence, the pitch that a tine makes depends on how close or far it is from the kalimba’s bridge. 

Now, back on the scales. Your starting note (or the lowest note on the scale) is always the lowest tine on the kalimba...or, to make it easier for you, the centermost tine that hangs lower than the rest. Depending on the number of tines that your kalimba has, the note will be different. (Check out the pics below to see what I'm talking about)

NB://These images were taken from the little songbook that came with my kalimba.

Now let's talk about price and versatility. Kalimbas can cost anything between $1 USD to $2000+ USD depending on the number of tines, the size, the brand etc. Now, I know what you’re thinking...the most expensive ones are the best quality ones and the kalimbas with more tines cost more. Well, you’re right and wrong. Technically yes, well-known brands will produce more expensive kalimbas because they have a brand name attached to them and because, in some instances, they tend to be the companies that produce kalimbas with the most tines. An example of this is the brand Seeds which is known for its new 34 key kalimba for $120 USD. (I believe they have a discount right now.) The brand WYKDL, on the other hand, has a 17 key kalimba for $2316.94 USD proving that the number of tines does not necessarily matter. However, this does not mean that you can’t get a good quality kalimba for way less. There are many great kalimbas out there for as little as roughly $20 USD.  

What’s even better is that some kalimbas, as cheap as $33 USD, come with built-in pickups that allow you to plug them into amplifiers, immediately transforming them into electric kalimbas. (I’ve also recently discovered a fully electric kalimba by the brand Playwell for only $34.90 currently on discount on Amazon.) In this way, you can enhance your kalimba’s sound with many effects, which is where it becomes a pretty versatile instrument. (This thing be sounding like an electric harp, now that’s something!) 

Check out the video by Emily Hopkins below for another type of versatile electric kalimba, and check out the different sounds it can make! 👇

Well, that’s enough rambling for today. I’ll end with my own praise of the instrument: What can I say... I love it dearly. It’s the first time I’ve really been able to enjoy an instrument because there was no pressure when I started plucking at it. I wasn’t joking when I said that you could literally start playing it immediately. As a matter of fact, stay tuned for a tutorial on an all-time favourite song from a well-known movie. And yes...I’ll even put the tablature (tabs/notes) on the screen so that you can follow along with your kalimbas...if you’ve got yourself one by then 👀.

*whisper* It's coming after the next post *whisper* 

PS:// Don’t forget to follow my blog if you find it interesting, and feel free to ask me any kalimba-related questions on the home page of my blog.

Follow my Instagram for future lives and updates:

https://www.instagram.com/nataliadcreates/

[inessencedevided]

(You can find the set that this gif belongs to here 💙)

From planning to posting, share your process for making creative content!

To continue supporting content makers, this tag game is meant to show the entire process of making creative content: this can be for any creation.

RULES: When your work is tagged, show the process of its creation from planning to posting, then tag 5 people with a specific link to one of their creative works you’d like to see the process of. Use the tag #showyourprocess so we can find yours

I was tagged by @aheartfullofjolllly. thank you so much Pat! it was really fun to reflect about my own process 💗 You can find her post here and @lan-xichens' post that started it all here :)

Also thank you @huigusu 🥰 (who tagged me for my nie brothers set) I'll get to that one in a few days!

Now Pat gave me two sets to chose from to show my process, so obviously I chose the more complicated one :P

I only work in Photoshop CC 2018. I know that there are programs out there for easier cutting and sharpening but I have only just figured out how to do that in PS and I am too lazy to figure out any other programs right now xD

1. Idea and Planning

This set, like most of my sets with lyrics started with me reading the poem, clutching my heart and going "oh shit this fits my favourite characters!!". The idea actually started with me thinking that the first stanza of the poem would go really well with wwx during the burial mounds arc. Then I realized that the last stanza fits lwj better than him and from there came the idea to contrast the both of them next to each other. This is when I realized I wanted to do a dark-light contrast set, though I did not know that I would go with red and blue at that time. My idea in the beginning was just to do a black and white set

I was really impressed by how Pat said that she plans her sets around exact timestamps. Because I don't do that at all ^^ I just get ideas for which scenes would fit (in this case the wwx burial mounds scenes and lwj's kneeling and punishments scene) and then I watch the scenes to narrow them down.

Back when I made this set, I still used a screenrecorder (AceThinker Screen Grabber Pro to be precise. They have a test version that allows you to record up to 3 minutes) and recorded the scenes I needed from Netflix. This worked well enough but now I have the entire show saved on an external drive and it makes a world of difference when it comes to gif sharpness

Now, in this case I had to repeat this step once because when I was almost finished, I realized that I wanted a gif for the lwj corner but let's pretend I didn't do that and that's the way this gif was always going to look because otherwise this post will be way too long ^^

2. Creation

Short disclaimer: The creation process for this gifset was anything but linear. Multiple effects I used here were things I had never tried before. I just had a vague idea and tried to realize it through trial and error. So whenever I say "then I did xyz", it is implied that I ultimately went back to that step several times and changed stuff ^^

I started with the Wei Wuxian part of the gif. I usually use a frame rate of 0,06 (with some variation depending on gif length and size). I work in timeline so I converted all the layers to a smart layer. Then I resized the gif into a square, leaving big chunks of the gif empty (as can be seen below.) I flipped the gif horizontally, so he is looking inwards. This was simple because I felt it fitted the composition better. Then I imported the Lan Wangji part of the gif, again with a frame rate of 0,06. (Image 2)

After that I created a layer for masking in a separate PS document by rotating a square until it was point down (is that a rhombus?). I sized it to match my gif (540x540 pxl) and copied it over. (Image 3) a bit of masking magic and ta da! There's the basic layout (Image 4)

I put a layer of solid black behind wwx to get rid of the transparent bits (Image 5) and then started adding more white and black to both sides by adding solid whit and black layers that i put masks on and changed the opacity as i needed (Image 6)

("reading" direction: from the upper left to the lower right corner)

Then I fiddled with the colours a bit. The first thing I always do is using the curves layer to get more contrast. Then I use the colour balance tool and the selective colouring tool to get rid of that cql-typical cyan tint after that it's just trying to have it look "natural" while the colours still fit the overall scheme. This was difficult here because wei Wuxian’s side of the gif was very dark and when i turned up the saturation to see which colour dominated it was a very weird mixture of multiple colours. That's when i decided that I'd just go with red on his side, since lwj's side was already so blue and those to look great as contrasts.

After that just came a lot of fiddling with selective colour layers and brightness and contrast unti I has happy. There really wasn't much to it ^^. (Image 1)

After that I added the text. I knew I wanted the two lines to for a square of some kind. So I tried different fonds until I arrived at the one below. The two lines are in seperate layers so I could move them around and change the spacing between the letters until I was happy with the layout. I also changed the layer mode for the text to "difference" (is that what it's called in english? my PS is set to german sorry ^^), keeping their colour white. (Image 2)

I originally hadn't planned adding anything else but I felt like the gifs (plural because I switched between the gifs of this set) was still kind of empty and lacking, so I added the tear down the middle (a tutorial for that is either coming up later or already posted. I recently got an ask for this :)) (Image 3)

It still felt empty after that, so I tried different overlays. Okay no, first I wasted a lot of time on different free image sides but then I tried out different ones until I chose the one you can see in the finished gif. I liked that one because a) I felt the round shape was a nice contrast to all the straight lines already there and b) because once I applied a black and white filter to it and switched the layer setting to "difference" (again, i hope this is the correct translation) it looked a bit like a moon. (Gif at the top)

("reading" direction: from left to right)

And that's it! :)

Although in general, these gifs took so much fiddling! I went back and forth between them a lot and sometimes almost redid the entire thing because I had no idea what I was doing in the beginning and by the time I noticed an error, the only way to fix it was ti redo everything. So yeah, this set definitely is the the one that took me the longest out of all the ones I've posted so far.

3. Posting

I save all my gifs to my drafts first to see what they look like put together and to check if they look any different on mobile. Usually i do this several times and change stuff until I'm happd enough with it to hit post. Once i am happy enough, i can't hold back. Doesn't matter if it's at a time when nobody is online, i hit post 😅

And that's it!

Tagging:

@lanwuxiann for this gifset (I adore it so much. I've looked at it and read it severat times since you posted it and the poem just kills me every time!)

@suibianjie for this gifset (The combination of static images and gifs in your gifs is always absolutely perfect! This one is only my favourite of yours because the light coming from behind wwx is just so pretty!!! ^^)

@sweetlittlevampire for this piece (It was soooo hard to pick a piece of yours because I have so many favourites! But this one is just so out if this world, I want to know how you worked that magic :D)

@wei-gege for this set (sparkling shijie! 😭 that set is so incredibly beautiful! I love how you matched the colour of the overlay with her dress!)

@purplexedhuman for this set (your gifs are always incredible! I chise this one because it showcases both your colouring skills and some really intricate effects)

If any of you have already been tagged or don't have the time or energy for this, obviously no pressure to do this at all! 🥰

(btw, I originally tried to place the actual text of this under a "read more" cut but somehow it always messed with the order of the images, so this ended up as a rather long post. sorry!)

[awsugar]

i’ve been asked to make a gif tutorial so here it is! i tend to over explain and go on tangents so i’m going to try to keep this as understandable as possible lol

so first you need to download your video. i use 4k video downloader.

when you open photoshop the first thing you’ll do is go file --> import --> video frames to layers and it will bring up your finder to locate the video you’re going to be giffing.

once you select the video, this screen will come up:

make sure you’ve selected ‘selected range only’ and then you’re going to use the two cursers on the bottom to select the portion of the video you want to gif. this won’t really work if the video is over like. 40 minutes long. because you can’t select a small enough number of frames. so keep that in mind. if i’m giffing something like lotms or a full length show i’ll open the video in imovie and cut it down so that this step works. if you have further questions on how this works i can try to answer them but i think it’s just trial and error for this part the first couple times you do it. once you’ve selected the range of the video that you want, hit ‘ok’.

once your frames/layers open in photoshop, you wanna click on ‘window’ and make sure you have these selected:

your next step is to go through the frames on the bottom of the screen and choose which ones you want to be your gif. usually importing them will give you more frames than you need so you’ll want to trim a bit off each end.

you can press ‘play’ here and it will scroll through the frames automatically for you so you can see what the gif will look like in motion

it depends on the size of your gif but i tend to go for 80-85 frames. if you have too many your gif can end up being too big for tumblr. 8mb is the size limit. this is another thing that tends to be trial and error but yea i go for about that many, try to stay under 100.

next step is to delete the layers that you don’t need, because deleting the frames when you’re trimming the gif down doesn’t delete the corresponding layers. when you select a frame, the corresponding layer on the right will have an eye next to it.

like this ^ select your first frame, find the eye in the layers, and delete all of the layers that come before that. do the same with the last frame in the gif and delete all the layers that come after it. click + shift will select as many at a time as you want, to make this easier.

at the far right of your timeline (the frames) on the bottom of the screen there’s an icon thats 4 lines which you can see below:

click this and select ‘select all frames’

then go to the top of your screen where it says ‘select’ and select ‘all layers’

once everything is selected you need to change the framerate/delay. you see where it says ‘0.03′ underneath each frame? a lot of videos will be 0.04 in which case i would click on the framerate, select ‘other’ and type in ‘0.07′. that tends to work well. this video is 0.03 so i’m going to change it to 0.06 instead. that’s just a personal preference. if you don’t do this step, the gif will be too fast. if you don’t have all of the frames selected when you do this part, it will only change the selected frame so make sure they’re all selected before you do this.

so now it’s changed.

next you need to convert to video timeline. that’s the icon on the far left on the bottom here:

the one before ‘forever’. once you’ve done that, you need to right click on your layers (which should still be selected) and select ‘convert to smart object’.

now for all intents and purposes you have a gif! but you still need to edit it a bit.

first you should crop it if it needs cropping. i’m not going to crop the one i’m making but it’s pretty self explanatory, just select the crop tool and pick one of the preselected crop ratios. you can preview them all by clicking on them.

after that you’re going to go to the top bar and go: image --> image size 

you need to resize your gif for tumblr. tumblr’s post width is 540 pixels. if you’re doing two gifs side by side they would both be 270.

the height will automatically adjust itself.

now your gif is going to look like it’s really small but you’ll just go to the percentage above the timeline and change it to either 100% or 200%. it’s usually 100% to view it at full size but my new macbook has more pixels or something? so i have to set it to 200% to view it at full size.

you can see here how i changed it ^

now you have a properly sized gif and any changes you make are personal preference. usually you’ll want to sharpen it. i use a sharpening action that i downloaded from a friend but you can also do smart sharpen. i would look up good sharpening settings because i don’t know them personally because i use an action. you can find the sharpening stuff through the ‘filter’ dropdown.

and then the last step i do is coloring. coloring isn’t necessary but it makes your gifs look better. coloring is personal preference though and it’s just about playing around with settings. i usually use brightness/contrast, vibrance, hue/saturation, selective color, and color balance. you can also download coloring PSDs from the internet which is like premade coloring layers that you can open in photoshop.

this is what my gif looks like without any coloring and i’ll show you the finished product at the end when i save it

so one you’re happy with your gif you’re going to go: file --> export --> save for web (legacy)

depending on how your computer wants to operate, this can take a while. while it’s buffering i hit ‘escape’ and it takes me to the save page without the wait.

these are my save settings:

but before you hit save you want to ‘preview’ on the bottom left. this will open your gif and show you what it will look like on the web and it also tells you how big your gif is.

look for this:

if it’s under 8mb you’re good to post it on tumblr so close out and go back to photoshop and save it! i think saving is self explanatory

and you’re done! here’s the gif i made for this tutorial:

if any of this was confusing or not clear i’m happy to try and explain better!

[alwaysmychoices]

An Accidental Dinner Party

Synopsis: When Charlie accidentally crashes Ethan’s dinner with his dad, can they keep their secret?

Chapter 15 of the “with and without” series

Previous Series: “a weekend with dr. ramsey”

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x MC (Charlotte “Charlie” Greene)

Words: 5k

Rating: T (Charlie likes to cuss, and I don’t judge her for that)

It was easy to forget.

Crowded into a small hospital room, there was hardly enough room to stand, yet it was a vague thought, tucked in the farthest corner and out of sight. The group of friends could convince themselves that it was another night, but it wasn’t.

It was easy to forget, but it was even easier to remember.

Every second, they were hyperaware of the night’s significance. It was the night before Kyra’s surgery, and even as they laughed, there was an unavoidable twinge of sadness. Every time Kyra lit up with giggles or joked or overtly flirted with Bryce, everyone stopped and took a mental image of the happy memory, saving them for a day they may need them.

A day that may come too soon.

Because, while this was a lovely night shared among friends, there was a hidden threat that it could be the last.

Maybe that’s why they tried so hard to have fun. It wasn’t particularly easy to cram eight people into Kyra’s room, nor was it much of a secret when Jackie shared her flask with the group at the beginning of the night. The jokes, initially, were uncomfortable and awkward, but they were met with appreciative, roaring laughter. Everyone wanted a nice time.

Particularly Charlie.

She sat on Kyra’s side, in one of the few chairs they could smuggle into the room. She found herself looking at Kyra after every enjoyable moment, hoping for proof that Kyra was okay. Kyra was strong, but Charlie worried she expected too much of herself tonight. She had every right to fall apart, and the fact that she didn’t pushed Charlie closer to breaking down herself.  

It was only 8:30, but the energy was dwindling. Kyra had yawned more than once, and Charlie knew that the night was coming to a close. That didn’t mean she wanted to go though.

Jackie was the first to say that she needed to leave, and for a split second, Charlie couldn’t help but hate her.

Elijah sheepishly followed afterwards.

Kyra, looking more exhausted by the minute, accepted their goodbyes, though she forced Jackie to hug her goodbye. Elijah got off with a fist bump.

“I’m embarrassingly exhausted from these drugs anyway,” Kyra joked, which made Bryce roll his eyes.

“You’re barely on any,” Bryce insisted, leaning on the end of her bed, “You’re really just tired because we played basketball at lunch.”

“Lies,” Kyra condemned, laughing just enough to ruin her attempt at a serious expression.

Bryce rolled his eyes, but he took his place at her bedside, giving her a tight hug, “I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow morning.”

“Are you sure we can’t push it back? I’d rather wake up at noon.”

“Absolutely not,” Bryce confirmed, squeezing her shoulder, “If you want the hottest surgeon, you have to go for the early slot.”

“I’ll only accept that if you admit I’m the hottest patient,” Kyra teased.

“Obviously,” Bryce scoffed, offended she even had to ask

Kyra smiled – so bright, innocent, and happy. Charlie’s chest tightened.

“Now, go home. I refuse to have a tired surgeon tomorrow morning,” Kyra commanded, and Bryce held his hands up in surrender to the order.

As he walked away, he squeezed Charlie’s shoulder, giving her a sympathetic and comforting smile.

He knew that she was suffering because he was, too.

Keiki, who had taken the train from Bryce’s apartment just to wish Kyra luck, took Bryce’s space. Kyra whispered something in Keiki’s ear, which made her roar with laughter, and they shared a hug. It was the only time Charlie had seen Keiki display affection to anyone but Bryce, and it was startling. She even begrudgingly admitted that Kyra was the coolest person in Boston, which Kyra credited to her shaved head.

Sienna and Raf were the last to say their farewells. Raf wished Kyra luck, and they made wistful plans to meet up in Brazil for an epic adventure next summer. Kyra hit on him for old time’s sake, and Raf kissed her forehead. Sienna, the only one who could truly face her grief, cried when she said goodnight. Then, she promised to make cookies and bring them to Kyra as soon as she was out of surgery.

And then it was just Charlie and Kyra.

It was hard to think of the perfect goodbye that night. As much as she tried, Charlie couldn’t sum up their relationship in a poignant yet cheery farewell. She couldn’t pretend she wasn’t afraid, but she also wasn’t ready to face that fear yet.

Charlie stared at her friend, hesitating and holding back tears.

“What? You afraid of me now?” Kyra teased, nudging Charlie and feeling victorious when she made her laugh.

“No, I just…” Charlie trailed off, her smile growing weak as she took Kyra’s hands. Clutching them tight, she said, “I’m proud of you, and I’m so happy that I met you. You’re the best friend I never saw coming.”

Kyra wanted to be strong. If this was her last night, she wanted to be a badass.

And though she survived the rounds of goodbyes, she couldn’t survive Charlie’s without a spare tear. She sniffled and failed to hold back her emotion, but just from one look, she could see everything she felt mirrored in Charlie’s expression.

Maybe that’s why Charlie was her best friend. And maybe that’s why Kyra couldn’t do this tonight.

“Stop it!” Kyra tried to sound cheery, squeezing Charlie’s hands back, and she joked, “I can’t possibly die because I still haven’t figured out all your secrets. Until I have those, you’re stuck with me.”

Charlie’s laughter was real, but she was crying as she offered, “I promise to tell you all of them.”

“No,” Kyra stopped her, “You can tell me tomorrow night – when I’m still alive.”

Charlie swallowed Kyra in a hug, and Kyra, though much weaker, matched the intensity.

“I love you, Kyra.”

“I love you, too,” Kyra echoed, burying her face in Charlie’s hair.

It was so hard to pull away that, for a long time, neither of them did.

Eventually, when they parted, Charlie asked, “Do you want me to stay tonight? We can watch crappy romcoms, and I can find the cutest nurses for you to flirt with.”

Kyra cackled at the specifics of Charlie’s offer, particularly the bit about flirting. She considered accepting, but ultimately, she refused. She loved Charlie enough to know that she needed out of this hospital room, and Kyra needed time by herself to find peace. She was the one going into this surgery, and she needed to be ready.

“No, you should go home,” Kyra answered, and wiggling her eyebrows suggestively, she added, “Or don’t go home. Go have a wild night in my name.”

Charlie couldn’t imagine herself doing it. She couldn’t imagine doing anything except worrying for her friend, but Kyra asked. So, she accepted the challenge.

“Okay.”

Charlie started to leave, but she hesitated by the door, which made Kyra laugh softly. With wet eyes, Kyra waved goodbye, and Charlie took a deep sigh before taking the next step. She thought it would make it easier, but it was still incredibly difficult to walk away. By the time she reached the end of the hall, she had considered turning around at least five times, but she didn’t want to let Kyra down. So, she kept walking until she was out of the hall and then out of the floor and then out of the hospital.

Her friends were huddled around the door, walking slow on their way home. When Charlie found them, she was relieved to not have to walk home alone. Really, she was happy to not be alone period. She didn’t want to be by herself, not now and not tonight. She would have taken any offer to do anything, even if it meant hours scrubbing bathroom tiles or sharing excruciating small talk.

“So, what’s everyone doing tonight?” Charlie asked, hoping for an escape through one of her friends.

“Keiki and I are ordering pizza and getting an early night,” Bryce announced, which made Keiki roll her eyes, but she didn’t object. In fact, Charlie could see her create a pizza order on her phone as they walked.

“I’m heading home, too. I still have a lot of packing to do,” Raf added.

Raf shrugged apologetically in Charlie’s direction, but she wasn’t surprised. Even if Raf had been free, she wasn’t sure he wanted her around anyway.

“I’m babysitting tonight, so if we could just pick up the pace a bit, that would be great,” Jackie grumbled, texting furiously. She was already at the head of the group, but if it was possible, she started to walk even faster.

“I’m going back to the hospital. I have a few cases I need to check on tonight,” Aurora frowned, giving Charlie an remorseful look.

“Oh, that’s okay,” Charlie shrugged, and looking to her last hope, she asked, “Sienna, Elijah, what are you doing?”

“I’m ordering takeout and doing some research tonight. I’ll be swamped tomorrow, so I want to get a jump on the day,” Elijah answered.

“You’re getting takeout? Where from? I’ll jump on that,” Sienna decided, and Elijah handed her his phone to show her the takeout menu. After scrolling for a minute, she realized that she hadn’t answered Charlie’s question, “Oh, I’m heading home, too. I hardly slept last night, so as soon as I finish dinner, I’ll probably go to bed.”

Oh.

Charlie nodded understandingly with a hollow smile. Her disappointment manifested in an emptiness in her core, and again, a wave of sadness threatened to swallow her. She needed someone to distract her, someone comforting and understanding. But her friends couldn’t fill the void.

Maybe she was supposed to fill it herself.

As they kept walking to the train station, Charlie fell out of the conversation. At every block, she looked for a new escape, a new place to hide from the truth.

When they reached the station, everyone fished out their subway card except for Charlie.

Instead, she told them that she planned on staying out for a few more hours and would see them later.

Of course, they doubted her plan. They weren’t sure that she should be out or left alone, and they felt a bit guilty for not having room to pull her along with them. She assured them that she was fine and gave her most convincing smile. They had to take her word for it, and though they felt bad leaving her behind, they left.

Charlie walked on for a few more blocks in the direction of Donahue’s. The bar was never empty, and surely, she could find a pack of doctors or residents to join. It didn’t matter who they were as long as she wouldn’t be alone.

Though, as she thought about it, it sounded lonely…

Something along the way reminded her of him, and she knew there was one person she wanted to be with tonight. Before she could change her mind, she hailed a cab and gave Ethan’s address.

She arrived at Ethan’s apartment at the same time as a delivery man, so she followed him inside without having to buzz in. She was a familiar face in the building by now, so even the nosiest neighbor didn’t give her a second glance. She took the elevator to this floor, and as if by muscle memory, she walked to his front door.

She knocked twice, and almost immediately, she heard his voice on the other side, saying he was coming. And his voice – his lovely, relaxed voice – eased the tension in her chest. Her Ethan… He was exactly what she needed, and she held her breath for the fifteen seconds it took him to get to his front door.

And when Ethan opened the door…

He was… not happy?

He was surprised.

His eyes were wide, so wide they seemed horrified. He didn’t move towards her and envelop her in a hug like she hoped, nor did he kiss her hello like he usually did outside of work. He just stared.

It wasn’t the reaction she expected.

“What are you doing here?” Ethan asked, stepping out into the hall. He pulled the door with him, nearly closing it behind him. She couldn’t see in the apartment now, and if someone else was inside, they couldn’t see her either. Ethan’s voice seemed panicked as he added, “You said you were busy tonight.”

Charlie didn’t know how to react. It was so strange – so out of character – that she was immediately apprehensive.

“My night ended early,” Charlie explained, eyes on the door behind him like it might have a clue, and he pulled the door a little closer to him.

What is he doing?

Her suspicions were confirmed when she heard movement on the other side of Ethan’s door. Someone was in there. Someone Ethan didn’t want Charlie to see.

Charlie’s gaze turned steely and accusatory as she glared in Ethan’s direction. Who was there? Why was this a secret? Why was Ethan so panicked?

Was he seeing someone else?

Would he do that to her? How could he?

That asshole.

When Ethan heard the person inside, he warned her, “You should leave.”

Charlie was seething. Who the hell did he think he was telling her to leave? Was she the inferior fling? He didn’t get to tell her to go. She deserved to know what the fuck was going on.

“Excuse me?” Charlie demanded, arms crossed. She could feel her heartbeat taking over her body. Everything was painted red and angry and enraged. She felt like she could have torn this apartment building down brick by brick.

Ethan saw the change, but he didn’t have time to set out the fire.

“Ethan, who’s there?”

Charlie’s eyes widened in understanding, but it was too late.

All of the anger settled into shock and panic.

“Your dad is here?” Charlie whispered, practically a hiss.

“You said you were busy tonight!” Ethan whispered back.

“We’ve been standing here this whole time, and you couldn’t just say that?” she quietly accused.

“What did you think was going on?”

“You’re hiding your door. What do you think I thought?!” Charlie looked at him like he was stupid, and as it dawned at him, he realized he was.

“You thought I was with someone else?” Ethan knew they were running out of time. They needed to figure out what to do and what to say if they were caught, but he was so shocked that she could think that of him that he couldn’t ask anything else.

“Wait, why are you angry?” it was getting harder to maintain the whisper as she reminded him, “You’re the one blocking the door and evading questions. You look like the poster child for being caught cheating.”

“Charlotte!” Ethan was prepared to continue this fight until he felt vindicated, but they were out of time.

“Ethan?” his dad’s voice was getting nearer, and they could hear his steps coming towards the front door.

Shit.

Charlie looked around the hallway frantically, looking for somewhere to quickly hide. But she couldn’t decide fast enough. She couldn’t even take a step towards the elevator before Alan was at the door, opening it to the sight of two shocked, guilty-looking adults staring back at him.

Alan chuckled good humoredly but was obviously confused.

Ethan and Charlie said nothing, not because they didn’t want to but because they couldn’t think of anything to say.

After a moment, Alan recognized Charlie, and he smiled warmly, “Charlotte, right? From the hospital?”

“Yes, that’s me,” Charlie smiled politely, but beneath it, she couldn’t formulate a coherent thought for panic, “It’s nice to see you again, Mr. Ramsey.”

“Oh, call me Alan,” he insisted, “What brings you here tonight?”

An excuse.

She should have been thinking of an excuse this whole time.

Charlie hesitated, and Ethan watched with pity as she tried to formulate a believable excuse. She picked the first one she conjured just because she’d already taken too long.

“I’m here for work.”

Fuck. That’s a terrible excuse.

“We have a really tricky patient, and because I have a free night, I was hoping to borrow a few books to study tonight. You know, just get a jump on the morning,” Charlie elaborated. She hoped it would save her excuse, but it was still weak.

Ethan gave her a pointed look, but she didn’t look back. If he wanted to judge her response, he should have said something.

“I didn’t realize you were busy, though, so I can just pick those study materials up tomorrow morning at work. Sorry to disturb you two,” Charlie excused herself, and she started walking away.

“Oh, but Charlie, you’re already here! Why don’t you stay for dinner?”

Charlie’s blood ran cold.

“I couldn’t impose-“

“Nonsense, it wouldn’t be an imposition. We’ve got more than enough food, and you’d be giving two boring men some company,’ Alan insisted.

“But I know you live so far away and don’t get to spend much time with each other,” Charlie tried, but Alan just shook his head.

“Ethan, you can’t possibly let her leave. Invite her in.”

Ethan really didn’t want to.

This was their last chance to think of an excuse, but nothing was strong enough. So, reluctantly, Ethan offered, “Charlie, would you like to join us for dinner?”

She couldn’t exactly say no, so resigning to her fate, she accepted.

Alan ushered Charlie inside, and she followed awkwardly. Jenner, who had been casually lounging on the couch through all the awkwardness, jumped up when he saw Charlie enter. He sprinted to her, and she instinctively scratched behind his ears to greet him.

“Jenner seems to really like you,” Alan commented, and Charlie realized the implication.

How would Jenner know her well if they were platonic?

Normal coworkers didn’t spend the night in the other’s apartment and play with their dog.

Jenner’s friendliness betrayed her familiarity with the apartment and therefore Ethan.

“Charlie has watched Jenner a few times,” Ethan explained, “When the dog walker is busy.”

Charlie nodded to confirm the story, relieved Ethan saved her from explaining it away.

Ethan hesitated to leave Charlie and his father alone, but he was needed in the kitchen. As he put the finishing touches on the salad and garlic butter chicken, he watched the two from the corner of his eye, waiting to jump in and save Charlie if necessary.

Charlie hoped that Alan wouldn’t be talkative because she didn’t trust herself to not inadvertently reveal their relationship, but of course, Alan was friendly and curious.

“So, what have you been doing tonight, Charlie?”

“I was with a few friends,” Charlie answered, fiddling with he necklace, “My friend, Kyra, has a big surgery tomorrow, so we wanted to support her. I stayed until she kicked me out.”

Alan’s gaze was soft and full of sympathy as he said, “I’m sorry for you and your friend. You must have been looking for someone to comfort you.”

Charlie was startled by Alan’s insight.

That was exactly what she was doing.

And the implication that she came to Ethan for that reason was clear. She wondered if he knew. Had he not bought their excuse? Or had he figured it out some time before?

“I’m just trying to keep busy,” Charlie brushed him off, looking in Ethan’s direction for him to rescue her.

Luckily, Charlie’s panic coincided with the timer on the chicken, and Alan was sufficiently distracted helping Ethan finish dinner. Charlie helped set the table under Ethan’s direction and was relieved for the silence during the process. The three of them settled at Ethan’s dining table with Ethan at the head of the table and Charlie and Alan facing each other.

Of course, the food was delicious, and that consumed much of the initial chatter.

Then Ethan deftly steered the conversation back to his hometown of Providence and how everyone was doing. Alan shared a humorous story about their neighbor’s scandalous affair with the mail man, and though most of the details went over Charlie’s head, she laughed with them.

Alan looked happy that Charlie was amused, and once the story was over, he asked, “Do you go home much, Charlie?”

“Not much,” Charlie shook her head.

“Bad memories?”

“Not particularly,” she shrugged, “It’s a long trip, so it’s mainly just holidays.”

“Must get lonely.”

“I’ve built a little family here, so as long as my friends will have me, I’m happy,” Charlie explained, and to her surprise, this made Alan happy.

“You should hold on to that. You’re very lucky,” Alan encouraged her, “I wish I’d held on closer to the family I made when I was young.” He paused, and after some deliberation, he asked, “So, who’s in this family? Boyfriend? Roommates? In my twenties, I practically considered my butcher a brother.”

Charlie didn’t miss the question about her relationship status, nor did Ethan. She wondered if Alan expected her to include Ethan in her list. She decided not to, though he certainly deserved a spot.

“Just some roommates and a few friends. Plus, a chinchilla.”

“You have a chinchilla?” Ethan asked incredulously.

“Sienna takes care of her, but yes,” Charlie confirmed. Ethan continued to stare at her, trying to decide if he disapproved or was surprised that she had never mentioned it before. Of course, it might be both.

“How long have you had it?”

“Maybe a year.”

Ethan’s eyes widened in horror, as if having a chinchilla was made worse by having it for a long time.

Alan watched them and smiled.

Dinner was easier after that. Alan told an embarrassing story about Ethan and his favorite stuffed bear, and Charlie enjoyed every second. He asked Charlie questions about her life – where she was from, why she was in Boston, and of course, how much of an asshole Ethan was at work. She answered truthfully but danced around any attachment.

If someone had looked in, it would have seemed like a happy, wonderful night where a young couple met the parents. And honestly, it kind of felt like that, even if it was a secret.

They talked for a long time. It must have been at least an hour before Ethan got up to do the dishes, and Alan and Charlie stayed at the table, drinking wine and laughing about Ethan being called to the principal’s office for telling a teacher he didn’t know what he was talking about. Ethan excused himself from the embarrassment by taking Jenner for his nightly walk, leaving Charlie and Alan alone.

“You know, you two did a good job,” Alan commended Charlie.

Still laughing from the last story, she asked, “What do you mean?”

“If I didn’t know my son so well, I might have believed you two weren’t together.”

Charlie stilled, playing his words over and over again in her mind. She must have misheard.

“Except for the times where you look at him like he’s the only thing you ever want to look at, which you do occasionally, but I had already figured it out by then.”

Charlie’s jaw dropped, and she felt silent.

Shit.

“It’s alright, Charlotte. You don’t need to keep the secret.”

Charlie was startled but relieved. The burden lifted, she let out a sigh and shrugged, “How did you know?”

“It was pretty clear when I heard that he looked like the poster child for cheating,” Alan chuckled as he recalled the whispered conversation he overheard. She grimaced but laughed with him, amused at their own mistake.

So many awkward conversations could have been avoided if they were discovered that quickly.

“I’ve always liked you. From the first time Ethan mentioned you. He never admitted to liking you, but he spoke too highly and too often of you for you to be purely professional.”

Charlie didn’t want to look excited by this information, but she was. She didn’t know he talked about her.

“I think you’re good for him, and though I don’t know you well, he seems good for you,” Alan was happy for his son, and Charlie appreciated his approval.

Had he known all of the hurt they’d inflicted on each other in the past year, he may not have been as supportive. But Charlie liked to think that they had a second chance, that all of those mistakes didn’t ruin them. And if Alan encouraged their relationship, maybe she was right.

“Just…” Alan hesitated, still weighing whether or not his interference was warranted, “Don’t let him stay like this. I know my son, and I’ve seen him ruin good things out of fear. When he’s scared of change or commitment, he remains stagnant. Or worse, he leaves. He doesn’t want to endanger himself or his heart, and I can’t blame him. But… I don’t want him to ruin this. You seem like too good of a thing to lose that way. You both deserve to be happy.”

Charlie didn’t know what to say or how to react. There was an unmistakable heaviness that followed his speech, like a looming thundercloud on their happily ever after.

And it was scary – because she knew he could be right.

She knew Ethan, and she had seen him pull away and keep his distance. He had broken all of his rules to ask her out, but did that override all his patterns?

She didn’t want to be afraid. She wanted to trust Ethan just like she did the night she ran through the rain to give him a chance, but just like that night, she had lingering anxieties.

Maybe this was a premonition. Maybe it amounted to nothing.

The silence dragged on until the front door opened and Ethan returned. Jenner came bounding to Charlie, who was relieved for the distraction. Alan offered Charlie a last, encouraging smile before announcing that he was going to bed.

Ethan, suspicious of his sudden departure, encouraged him to stay and share a glass of whiskey, but Alan insisted.

“Goodnight, you two,” he waved them goodbye, with a glimmer in his eye that only Charlie recognized, “Charlie, thank you for staying for dinner. It was great getting to know you.”

“You, too, Alan,” Charlie returned the compliment, much to his delight.

He bid his son farewell and retreated to the guest room.

Once the door closed behind him, Ethan shot her a questioning look, “Did something happen?”

“Before or after he told me he’d figured out we were together?” Charlie poured herself another glass of wine, and Ethan fell into the chair beside her.

“You’re kidding?”

She shook her head and poured a little more wine in his glass, which he accepted readily, “He did say we’re cute together though.”

“Well, at least we’re ‘cute together,’” Ethan mumbled, taking a long sip of his wine. Charlie stretched her legs across his lap, and he rested his hand on her calf without thinking about her sudden movement closer to him, “Do you think other people know?”

“My intern also knows.”

“You told her?”

“No,” Charlie denied insistently, “She said that she noticed we suddenly get along and that you’re nicer to me than all the other residents.”

“That has nothing to do with us being together.”

“She also caught me staring at you,” Charlie admitted quietly.

“You were staring at me?” Ethan raised his eyebrows with intrigue, and Charlie rolled his eyes.

“An intern was flirting with you. I was just keeping an eye on it,” Charlie contended, but he squeezed her leg anyway.

After a moment, he noted, “It’s been a month, you know.”

A month.

That felt like an accomplishment. Their first relationship didn’t even last a weekend, yet they’d made this work for a whole month. Charlie was embarrassed by how happy that made her.

“You kept count?”

“Hard to forget someone dripping wet and buzzing your door like a fiend at midnight,” Ethan played it off, but he was smiling.

“Are you glad you invited me up?”

“A little less glad now that I know you have a chinchilla at home,” he grumbled, stroking her calf comfortingly, and after a beat, he clarified, “But yes. I am glad.”

Charlie beamed, and right then, she forgot Alan’s warning.

Because she couldn’t imagine this wonderful man ever hurting her.

“Since my dad already knows, do you want to stay the night?” Ethan offered, hoping she would say yes.

He always wanted her to stay. Sleeping without her felt restless and disappointing. He liked hearing her breathe and just knowing she was beside him. He also enjoyed that sleepy smile she gave him when he woke up for his run and she begged him to come back to bed, which he usually did.

“I don’t know. I had your dad tell me he figured out I was dating his son. I don’t know if I can handle him hearing me moan tonight,” she shook off the awful thought, and Ethan, though also disgusted by the idea, laughed.

“I think I can handle one night not making you moan, Charlie.”

She raised a questioning eyebrow.

“And if not, the shower should bury any sound.”

Charlie poked his side with her foot at his lewd suggestion, and despite their many shared nights, she blushed.

“I’m glad you came here tonight, especially because of Kyra. I know how close you are, and if you need me, I’m here,” Ethan offered sympathetically.

“Thank you, Ethan,” Charlie smiled softly.

“Though,” Ethan began, “I wish you called…”

“How was I supposed to know you were having dinner with your dad?”

“You didn’t have to accuse me of cheating,” Ethan sorely countered.

“Are you still on this?” Charlie complained, trying not to laugh.

“You thought I was hiding someone in my apartment!” Ethan hadn’t given up on the argument.

“You were!” Charlie reminded him.

He shook his head, and deciding to let him win this, Charlie said, “I apologize for accusing you of cheating – “

“Thank you.”

“And I will try not to jump to conclusions again.”

Ethan was satisfied by her apology, and when he leaned in to kiss her, Charlie saw that four letter word flash in her mind.

The one she hadn’t really thought of since the night she left him.

Love.

I probably should have made this 2 chapters, but I didn’t want to disturb the ~flow~

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[tokoyamisstuff]

Betrothed Ch. 9 - Illumi Zoldyck x Reader

Epilogue: Beauty and the Beast

Summary: Leaving the Zoldyck estate to search for your husband, what will await you once you find him?

Warnings: Angst, Violence.

Words: ~2500

Story Masterlist

A/N: The plot is connected to the “Phantom Rogue” movie. In case you haven’t watched it yet (no spoilers don’t worry): The antagonist of the movie uses Nen to create puppets taking after real persons, which even possess their personaliy and memories.

All I ever wanted All I ever needed Is here in my arms Words are very Unnecessary They can only do harm

Depeche Mode - Enjoy the Silence

People tend to say you should be careful what you wish for. Apparently they were right.

At least it worked...somehow.

The last thing you knew was that you had sneaked into Alluka’s cell, wanting to free her just as much as you wanted to find Illumi. Of course her parents weren’t really fond of the idea, so you waited for an opportune moment and asked for Nanika to appear before the family could realize and act against it.

Your wish was pure and without any ill intend - so there would be no consequences.

“Please: Bring me to Illumi. I need to save him!”

So she did as she was told.

You found yourself having been teleported to an unknown place, at bright day even though it was night at the Zoldyck estate. That means you’d be at least on the other side of the world, gladly far enough away for them to quickly try and retrieve Alluka.

All you could make up in between miles of nature was an old building, almost like a chapel.

And in front of it stood Illumi.

“These eyes are strange” he thought out aloud, taking in his environment. “Everything looks so bright.”

“Illu-nii-!” You put a finger in front of Alluka’s lips, signalizing her to stay quiet. Gladly you had appeared in somewhat of an hiding, so no one had noticed you up until now.

Something was off. That thing was surely not Illumi - even if it painfully appeared so.

“Gon!” a blonde girl shoutet in visible distress, “Hang in there! Gon!”

And then it dawned to you: A Nen ability.

Cloning? But why and how? It should be impossible to make such a perfect image of another person, which even seems to think and act on it’s own.

“Give gon his eyes back!” Killua demanded, but got shut down by the clone through a proper kick in his guts. “I can’t do that, Kill.”

You were too late to stop the poor Killua from running away, instead of chasing him deciding to follow the spitting image of your husband - but he had detected you earlier than you anticipated.

“Weird...” he spoke with the voice you had missed so much, staring at you with an empty glare. “You don’t look different.”

A surprised “Huh?” was all you managed to get out at his weird assumption, defendingly standing in front of Alluka.

“Those eyes make everything shine so bright. But you look just as always” the clone statet, almost as if amazed by your sheer appearance.

“You’ve always shined to me, Y/N.”

And like that, he was gone.

There wasn’t much time to think about it, since the screams of that unfamiliar girl got you down to earth again.

“Please, Gon!” she encouraged him as he tried to leave after she wrapped a bandage around his empty eyeholes. “Don’t-”

But he was already gone, chasing Killua to god knows where.

“What the hell...” you mumbled, still holding Alluka firmly in your arms.

Now the girl, which appeared like a puppet as well given a second look, turned to both of you. “Just...who are you? And where did you came from?”

“Long story.” Your answer was short, not wanting to tell anyone about Alluka’s powers. “But I’m a friend of those children. And...I need to find the man from earlier.”

“That was just one of Omokage’s puppets” she explained, pointing towards the direction Gon and Killua ran off to. “I can explain anything on the way. But we need to find them!”

It was already night when you found those two, because even with your superhuman speed you still had a child to take care off.

Seemingly, the two had resolved whatever internal trouble they were having, and much to your surprise Leorio and Kurapika had joined them as well.

“You guys...”

“Y/N?!” All of them went into a defensive position, ready to fight you in case you were a puppet as well. You weren’t mad, though. It was the only plausible reason for them to have magically appeared in here.

“Killu-nii!” Alluka cheered, approaching her brother as fast as her small legs could carry her. You wanted to prevent a reunion like that, but well...

Of course the boy broke out in tears as he remembered his sister he was forced to forget about all those years, the weight of his guilt crushing down on him once again. “I’m so sorry, Alluka...I think I was still under Illu-nii’s influence.”

Your lip began to tremble at his words, having to bite it so they wouldn’t notice that you were about to cry.

“Y/N? Is everything alright?” Damn. Of course they noticed the shift in your aura.

“Come to think of it...” Gon said, unusual sharp intellect considering his usual, blunt nature. “How come you accompany Killua’s sister? Doesn’t that mean you would’ve broken in Kurokoo mountain and fight all the Zoldycks for it?”

“I...uh-”

“Wait a second!” Good for Killua that he regains his cool so fast after having been emotional, but you wish it weren’t like that. “Isn’t that my great-grandmother’s ring? Did you stole it?!”

“Wha- no! Of course not!”

That wasn’t his greatest concern: Did you know about Alluka’s powers, and wanted to have them for yourself? Was that the reason? But how could you ever just invade the Zoldyck property and take what’s theirs without dying at their hands?

None of it made sense, no matter how much he racket his brain around the matter.

“Illu-nii gave it to Y/N for their wedding! Isn’t that cute?”

Everyone’s breath hitched at Alluka’s innocent words, and you could feel even those whose eyes were stolen widen in shock.

Before you could even defend yourself, Killua had tackled you down before sharpening his fingernails and pressing them against your neck, drawing blood.

“Why...?” Kurapika spoke the word that went through everyone’s minds, followed by Killua’s disappointed whisper “Traitor....”

“Because I love Illumi. That’s all.”

The boy then grabbed your shirt, shaking you as if to wake you up from a deep trance. “Love? LOVE?!? You know my brother, damn it!”

“Yeah!” Leorio joined the scolding. “You know very well what he forced Killua to do all those years, and that he tried to kill Gon!”

“I know very well what he’s capable of.” Against all resistance by your friends, you still remained calm and cheerful. “But he’s my husband, and I’ll fight for him until my dying breath.”

You’ve never seen Killua so furious and hurt in your life, and you could understand him:

The man responsible for all of his pain - and someone he considered a friend to fall in love with and defend him.

“Don’t give me that bullshit...” he growled as he let go off of you, tears of anger collecting in the rim of his eyes. “He obviously turned Y/N into a needleman!”

The only one to remain silent was Gon, knowing that he shouldn’t intervene until Killua was done having his rage.

Since the truth was simple, yet hard to accept for someone who had suffered under Illumi’s influence for that long.

“Don’t bully Y/N!” Alluka suddenly  blurted out, softly punching her brother’s back.

Killua then refrained from interrogating you any further, turning around to hug his sister once again. You knew the anger he let out was not just against you or your husband, but also out of wdisappointment in himself.

“I’m so sorry, Alluka...I should’ve saved you. Instead, I tried to leave my past behind and also left you alone!”

Alluka was a smart girl, at least emotionally - her mind worked different than the other Zoldycks. She gently put her hand on her brother’s hair, consoling him even though she never really understood how severe the situation at hand was:

“It’s okay! I was’t alone!” she cheered, smiling all innocent from one ear to another. “Big brother Illumi played with me all the time, together with Y/N! We had such fun!”

You smiled gently at the naive girl, knowing everyone would believe her to speak the truth. Picking her up and on your shoulders as she always wanted you to do, you waited for everyone to just process her statement.

“Alluka has spent almost every day at home with us” you proudly declared, as if you were actually her parent. “He’s a bit reserved, of course, but he loves her very much!”

“...that’s so fucked up” Leorio declared as he thought back to the creepy Gittarackur.

Killua was at loss for words, only managing to get out a consensual nod at Leorio.

“Hey!” you snickered mischievously, rumpling up his hair. “I’m your sister in law now. A little more respect!”

“Anyway” Kurapika interrupted, “Where’s Pretz?”

Seems like changing the topic was easier for the group than to keep thinking about that almost impossible constellation.

“She’s a puppet” Gon revealed as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, just for you to confirm his thesis.

“And you let Illumi steal your eyes just to follow the nen connected to them?” Giving him a head-butt, you added. “Still the idiot.”

That wasn’t fully true: Those kids sure grew since the last time you’ve met them at the Hunter Exam.

You couldn’t help but laugh at the situation, feeling like a stone was falling off your chest just by being with them.

“I’m glad to meet you again. I’ve missed you so much, guys!”

Leorio had volunteered to take care of Alluka, so she wouldn’t get dragged into the fight, while the others of you headed for Okogame’s hideout.

It was a giant church, so old that it was on the verge of breaking down. 

Fitting place for a showdown, you thought.

“You don’t understand the beauty of my art!” was Okogame’s answer as Kurapika demanded for him to set his dead friend free.

“See?” he yelled dramatically as he revealed his puppets. “Pairo’s beauty together with Kurapika’s passionate eyes.”

To be honest, that wouldn’t revoke a reaction inside of you as your mind was always wandering off.

But then, he revealed his other creation.

“And Illumi’s madness, together with Gon’s pure eyes.”

“...”

“Still the damsel in distress, I see.” God, even his voice was just like him. “I thought I’ve teached you better than that, Y/N.”

“Here he comes” Gon stated the obviously, but you had something to tell Killua.

"This isn’t completely him” you whispered as the puppet slowly approached you. “I can sense it: He isn’t nearly as strong as the real deal. And do you know what? He’s influenced by our memories of Illumi. They shape this puppet. That’s why he’s so scary to you, do you understand? That’s just how you depicture your brother.”

Killua knew what you really wanted to say: As you were now, you could easily end this - but Killua needed to defeat his fears himself.

The puppet came to a halt in front of his younger brother.

“Emotions are obsolete.” Ironically, it seemed that the puppet couldn’t avert his gaze from you, only making you crave your husband more. “Don’t value any of those pathetic commitments.”

“T-That’s wrong.” You were so proud of Killua, because even though he was almost frozen in place out of fear he was able to talk back to his brother. “I made friends, and it’s a great feeling.”

“You’re being silly, Kill” he declared as he pointed at you. “Do you see Y/N over there? I tried it myself. And guess what: They betrayed me. Ran away from me, scared. And now I’m all alone again.

Ouch. Even the puppet was hurt by your actions back then.

“But killing is something we can always do. It gives us power, makes us feel alive. Fear is the only reliable way of controling someone. We don’t need friends. We can manipulate people. Otherwise they will only hurt and betray you. So if they disobey: Kill them.”

“S-Shut up!” both you and Killua shoutet in unison.

“Kill me, then” he whispered into Killua’s ear, “Come on. Prove that I’m wrong.”

So that’s the monster Killua saw in Illumi all those years...

“Lumi...” you couldn’t help but sob, “I didn’t want to let you down...”

“Don’t interfere” the puppet spoke, throwing several needles at you at once. “I don’t have any business with you anymore. This is a family matter.”

“I like the outfit!” you laughed it off, avoiding the needles as if it was nothing. “Feels just like sparring back then!”

“You’ve always been too careless, Y/N. Because I had a soft spot for you. But I’m not going easy on you now - my order is to leave none of you alive.

A few needles pinned you to the wall, making you realize you weren’t fully concentrated.

You didn’t want to fight your husband, even though that’s not really him, so you were unknowingly holding back.

“We knew it would eventually end that way” the puppet spoke, the dark void in his eyes reminding you of the Illumi you got to know before your marriage. “Even though I’m almost sad about it.”

Your head fell in defeat, too hurt to see the love of your life suffering for so long. May as well let him hurt you a bit, to punish yourself and feel what he felt.

“I’m so sorry, Lumi.” Your answer and lack of struggle actually made him taken aback for a second, until the mission that Okogame’s nen imprinted on the puppet forced him to continue.

“Hey!” Killua yelled as he kicked another set of needles out of his hand, “We are your enemies! You said it yourself!”

Of course they had their own intentions: Getting back Kurapika’s eyes, save Pretz, overcome the trauma Illumi had put on Killua...

But you were thankful that your friends tried to avoid you having to end Illumi’s life, even if only in a metaphorical sense.

The real fight didn’t even take a whole minute, with Gon and Killua only taking a few hits until they pierced the puppet’s heart with unified strenght.

Immediately, you rushed to his side, caughting the stiff body before it hit the ground.

“Why do you stay with me, Y/N...?”

You grabbed his hand, feeling honest compassion for the artifical being as you cried out “Because you’re being loved. By me, and Alluka and even Killua! I’ll find the real you, and save you no matter what!”

“I see...” The puppet robotically touched your cheek, movements not really different from the real Illumi at the beginning from your relationship. “Maybe I was wrong about trust after all.”

A small smile played on his face as your lips hesistantly touched, while you simultaneously pressed a knife inside of him to end it all.

“Rest now” you said what Illumi had always told you when you were upset. Okogame’s curse couldn’t force his will onto the puppet now that he wasn’t able to get up ever again.

And Illumi collected the last bit of strenght as his body slowly dissolved into nen.

At least in the end he wasn’t alone - until death does you part.

“I guess dying through your hands doesn’t feel all that bad.”

_____

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[herstarburststories]

Beautiful Ghosts [p1]

A/N: HAPPY BDAY TO ME, YAY! The first chapter of this hopefully mini series is for @alleiradayne 's 1k celebration! Congrats, hon. A mix of angst and two kinds of comfort here. I gotta admit that I started working on this months ago and kept going until I was satisfied with how it was going. Hope you guys like this one! Divider by @talesmaniac89 !

Summary: Something as tribal as death wouldn't keep you away from Dean.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x reader

Prompt: I’m not going to leave you. You’re never going to have to suffer by yourself again, I promise.

Characters: Dean and Sam Winchester, you

Rating: PG 13

Word count: 2404

As always, you are in Dean's arms when the two brothers enter the bunker after a hunt. There isn’t any sound to break the silence, no raucous laughter, or even a snarky comment about today’s slain monsters. Their steps are stronger than usual, and one breath is missing.

Of course, it’s different from your usual entrance. Your arms aren't tangled with Dean's and his aren’t wrapped around your waist or shoulders. You are in his arms, yes, but you are lying still in a state of lifeless despondency. To think, he was once hopeful, stupid enough to believe that he'd only be carrying you like this when he was marrying you. 

Sam is awfully quiet. He can think and organize a hundred words into speeches in his mind, but nothing comes out. The younger brother feels like a kid during a class presentation too worried to say the wrong word and receive the wrong reaction. Therefore, he chooses silence, just like the other Winchester. They both make room for the grief that way.

It's a silent agreement that you are gone for good. The spell used to bring Eileen back is no longer available, and there is no devil willing to make a pact — not that one would allow the others to do so, after all.

Dean still considers it. More than once, more than a million times between the drive back home when you laid in the backseat with your guts on the car's floor and putting your body on the couch with more tenderness he’d thought himself capable of. 

He would come back to hell just to save you, even if it meant not staying to see you thrive. The agony would be more bearable if he knew that for each scream of his, there would be a grin of yours.

He has no hope now. All Dean Winchester has is anger and unprocessed grief slowly metamorphosing into sadness, hate, and bloodthirst. Even when he killed the fucking werewolf right after he laid his teeth on you, it wasn’t enough. He needed to make someone hurt as much as he did.

It was supposed to be an easy hunt, but isn’t that life with this job? It's usually supposed to be a quick thing, and then you are choking your own blood like it's tequila.

“She is in a better place now.” Sam is the first to speak, utterly doubting that his brother would make a noise if he didn't first.

Sammy was always full of faith, but this time it made Dean furious. “You don't know that.”

“Dean.”

“Don't, Sammy. Don't even fucking try. You know who we are and what Billie thinks about us. Do you think (Y/N) won't get the same destiny as we will? Alone in the empty, going crazy for years, decades!?”

“We can find a way—“ 

“No, we can't! We all signed her death sentence the minute we asked her to move in. And she—“ Dean cuts himself off with the sharp knife of silence, staving any hope left with harsh thoughts. The living room is maybe the most similar it’s ever been to the old glory days now: men of letters used to get frustrated there all the time, usually with a bottle of whiskey and a dead body on the floor, full of holes from experiments. 

The eldest Winchester wants to scream, throw a chair, break a lamp. He’d do anything to get this heavy sensation out of his veins, as if every single drop of blood weighs 500 pounds.

Still, he doesn't fall on his knees.

An inconsistently wry smirk consumes Dean’s face, warped with grief. “I had to put her guts back in her body, you know? To carry her in the car.”

He lifts his hands. They are stained red. Sam purses his lips together, trying to find something to say that would have helped him when Jess died. Nothing but an annoying little voice saying time comes to mind. It's gonna be hard, but they will make it. They always do.

Sammy doesn't tell that to Dean, though. He isn't ready yet. And neither is Sam to vocalize the words.

We are gonna be okay because we always do. And the dead bodies end up like frightening memories and nothing else.

That would sound too cold, like most truths for hunters. If Sam says those words, it becomes real. Not even the bloodstained picture of murder is stronger than words of farewell. Besides, you were his best friend. He had to recompose and convince himself that everything would be okay before he helped Dean. For once, he had to be the brother who shut all the turmoil in to take care of the other

“I'm sorry, Dean.”

And then, Sam does the only thing that he could think of as useful for making the ache bearable. He hugs his big brother.

Dean struggles to get away from the hold, even with every fiber of his being screaming to remain there. “Let me go! Sam, I'm serious. Fucking let me go!”

“It's gonna be okay, Dean.”

“Let me go, Sammy! Now!”

“You are not alone, Dean. I'm here. She will be okay, too.”

“Let me go! Let me go! Let me go!”

Until he finally gives in, collapsing in Sam's arms like that little kid in Kansas who didn't want to cry in front of his dad after seeing his mom get killed.

There is blood on Sammy’s favorite shirt now, but he doesn’t care. He just tightens his embrace around Dean while his brother is lost into racking sobs. 

His grief is just as expansive as Dean’s, their ragged souls laced with a sickening kind of sweetness that can only show up when someone you love needs help. It squirms and crawls in their guts to make a home that sticks. It’s their tiny comforts— the good feelings always show up in defiance of the ache like a plant growing on concrete. They just have to get the energy to look for them.

Everything is still the way you left it in Dean's bedroom. He didn't put your clothes away. You left your book on the shelf and kept your perfume in the wardrobe. Your pillow is still scrambled as if you had left for a couple of minutes to grab a cup of water and would soon come back to snuggle up to him. Well, it could always be from the fact that he's holding onto that piece of cotton for dear life. If he had long nails, his floor would be a complete mess now.

He's glaring at the wall, mind trying to come up with ways to cope with the growing ache in his whole body. Yes, the books and poets and films speak fondly about heartbreak, but he already threw the last glimpses of his bruised heart on the fire, burning with your body to the point no one could say it was ever in his chest to begin with. What could he do? There's always a way for the Winchesters. If Dean thinks hard enough, maybe he can defeat death. Maybe he can have you back.

Dean puts the pillow away after another sniff. The smell of your pepper shampoo is almost fading — he shouldn't have hugged it. Nonetheless, the green-eyed hunter focuses on coming up with ideas, and it's a stupid, humanly behavior when his mind goes to what desperate people usually seek.

Dean was never a pious man. The fact his mother died while angels were too busy watching over him to help her didn’t do it any good. Yet in stolen moments like these, he, like most humans, would bear his soul in a peace offering to all the holy things he doubted. The Winchester never prayed for himself, though. Who would answer his cry for help? He never deserved to be saved. So, he put his hands together and closed his eyes for who he cared about. As the Layla woman who told him to have faith or Sammy as something scandalous happened. It was rare, but Dean did that sometimes. He used to hope someone was listening. He doesn't pray anymore, not even now. Because he knows someone is listening, and he doesn't care.

Can an empty room seem crowded? Yes, when touch-starving grief is piled inside, begging to be seen. Why can't he allow himself to feel it? Why can't he cry? Why can't he just stop using anger as a comfort? Dean doesn't know. It used to be easier to cry before. He'd say he's lost his emotions, but the all-consuming anger and his ferocious barks to keep the hurt is burning proof he isn't yet.

Y/N died, and it's his fault. Y/N died, and it's his fault. Y/N died, and it's his fault.

His nostrils are opening, the wrath that swaths him as comfortable as his own skin. It’s not natural enough that he doesn't feel the burn, and you know he's going to break again. Your Dean doesn't break easily, but when he does, it's in a million little pieces that he wouldn't allow people to help pick them up. He’d rather shove them under the bed with his childhood monsters or bruising his hands as he exasperatedly tries to get them all by himself. You know he's going to shift into a storm and start breaking things. You know it's a temporary morphine, and the sickness will remain in the morning.

That's the incentive you need to try harder, to flash yourself into this plane of existence long enough to be seen. You force every fragment of yourself and light and whatever other pieces you are made of now to appear. To be heard. To show Dean he isn't all by himself again.

An image starts glitching in front of him. It’s rapid enough for Dean's reaction to come as a frown and his hand to snake around to the gun at the hem of his pants. 

And then, he blinks and a heart-stopping joy hits him. He can't believe the unbreakable heaven that he's being blessed with. Every feeling that should be burrowed under his skin is fighting to come to the light, and God, he wants to. For the first time, he doesn't want to hold back because what was trying to come together finally is you.

You. You are standing right before his own green eyes. There is a soft look on your face. It’s laced with that pretty smile that’s always spread happiness to him as well. You are here, standing in his room, clean clothes and blood in your veins. Guts inside your body! He never imagined he'd be happy to think that.

Is this his heart? Oh God, it is. And it's beating. No, no. It's racing. His heart is working again and now he almost falls on his knees. The pain was never able to break him, but he had forgotten how strong happiness could be. He's relieved.

Dean's eyes burn when he looks at you. Maybe it’s because he’s too shocked to even blink or perhaps it is all the tears that were flowing. Who cares? That man would allow his entire body to collapse in flames if the smoke signaled you back home. 

He takes a few steps, having the nerve to touch you — probably the most daring thing he has ever done. He is ready for you to dissipate, for that to be a dream, anything. And you don’t. You remain there. You don’t leave him too. Your usually warm body is gelid, but Dean doesn't care. It's an honest warning, yet he's happy to ignore those for once. You're here. 

“Dean, I—“ Your voice. It's your voice saying his name. He recognizes the importance of a name now. For a brief moment, he's confused. What the fuck is happening? You purse your lips and Dean chortles in dismay, unable to discern his inner state of being. “I don't know what to say.”

“I thought I had lost you. I was so fucking scared, Y/N. I thought you were gone for good.” He's found the words for you, exhibiting his vulnerability so quietly. Your entire soul feels it— it's not true what they say. You don't stop feeling when you are dead. You start to feel everything deeper because after leaving your meatsuit, all that is left is your soul. And what's a soul but the patchwork of emotions? “I thought you'd never come back again. That I'd have to go on without you. I'm so sorry. It was my fault. I should have saved you.”

“No, Dean. Don't start self-loathing and all that. It wasn't your fault. What happened to us could've happened to any hunter. And if it happened to me, there is a reason for it.”

“A reason for you to be ripped apart?” He scoffs at your belief of fate. You always had a graceful heart in you, even after you met Chuck. 

“I'm back, right? I told you I'd always be with you, and I'm here. Always.” You intertwine your fingers, and he watches your hands for a little while. While it’s difficult for him to grasp anything but pain nowadays, he accepts the rush of joy in his chest. Dean looks up, and you're still here, big eyes offering him a loving gaze. “I'm not going to leave you. You're never going to suffer by yourself again. I promise.”

He kisses you, and it feels like your emotions have finally found a perfect body to rest in when yours is a little bit tired — a place to call home. He kisses you, and everything is worth it. Because he kisses you. And you kiss him back.

Dean Winchester is a marvelous hunter. He should know that the cold his tongue experiences in your mouth while you two make out ferociously isn't quite right. You should feel fervid, and you are warm in every way of being but skin. He should pay attention to that. He should stop trying to make you come alive with love. Still, he can't bring his rational side to care. That man was always guided by emotion, anyway. What could matter more than you on his arms? Worries could be postponed because you did what no one else ever could.

You came back to him.

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Dean's sweetheart: @akshi8278 (dean taglist open)

Hunter: @demonhunterbarbie @bi-danvers0 (spn taglist open)

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[parkissat]

My Art Process (sort of, for painterly portraits)

So a long time ago @iartsometimes asked me if I could make a post about my art process and here it is finally! I'm not really sure how to explain it in an accurate or interesting way since a) I didn't save as many progress pics as I should have and b) my process isn't always exactly the same every time, but I'll do my best to describe the main ways in which I make this sort of art most of the time. And I'm using the process for this drawing as example.

This was a relatively very quick one so it's not as detailed as some others but the basic principles still apply. For practically all my art on this blog I was using at least a couple of different brushes but nowadays I'm only using one of those, set at 50% oppacity. I always start by just filling in the background with the main color that stands out to me from the bg of the ref itself, and then I lay down some more basic big blotches of color here and there to get a sense of the overall colors and values (light and dark areas).

It doesn't have to be totally accurate to the ref but I just take my cues from there so it fits well in the end and also because I don't like to start drawing on a blank/white canvass.

Then on a separate layer I just start blocking a general shape of whatever part of the subject grabs my attention the most, so sometimes I might actually start with the clothes if it's a bigger area of solid color, or the hair, but in this case it was the face. And again I just pick a main color to start blocking and then keep blocking dark areas to start getting the shapes before eventually moving on to highlights and other colors (like warm and cold tones).

I never sketch with this kind of drawing where I'm using a ref and find it easier to just paint and slowly make out the shapes and build the details, and I prefer doing it on one layer or as few layers as possible that I'll end up combining into one.

Sometimes I block out the whole overall shape before starting to add the inner shapes and details but in this case for some reason I just felt more like doing it part by part so I did a lot of work on just the head for a while, and then the shirt, and then the jacket, and then the cigarette, but kept going back and forth to all those parts to add and adjust more little details. While I'm doing this I'll often also resize the drawing at least once or twice and move it to where I want.

I usually make colors by just changing them however I need from some color I already put down in the bg or some other part of the painting. Something I really like is color contrast so I often like exaggerating little blocks of warm and cold tones, and I also love just leaving things looking a bit rough around the edges with visible brushstrokes.

So after these one I didn't save any more progress pics I think. I just finished some details everywhere like the top hair, the print on his shirt, some stuff on the jacket and probably his face too. I'm never really completely done with any particular part of a drawing until I decide I'm done with the whole thing.

And then another thing I always do, sometimes during the process of the rest of the painting but other times, like in this case, after I finish the subject, is that I add more detail to the background. I do this on a separate layer and usually it's just adding more colors to make it all flow better with the rest of the drawing, fix anything with the values, and just add some random spots of contrasting colors to make it more interesting by making some big brustrokes and then partially erasing them (though I didn't add the smaller spots so much in this case and left it at bigger adjustments).

After that the only thing left is that I almost always adjust the final colors in all the layers (I usually end up with about 3-5 layers) to make them a bit more intense. Usually I like to make the midtones warmer by increasing the reds or magentas, I make the shadows more blueish, and the highlights more yellow.

Not sure if I mentioned everything I do or if it was cohesive and interesting but yeah I think these are the main "steps" or elements about my portrait painting process. In general, I prefer painting without sketching, focusing on the bigger picture rather than details, leaving things kinda rough and having visible brushstrokes, and play around with bright colors and exaggerated color contrast. And finally here's a little progress gif of all the images above plus the final drawing where you can kinda see it coming together.

Thanks for reading! And thanks Tanya for asking about this!! Hope it was the sort of thing you had in mind XD