#i just really don’t want to be caught out in an airport or some shit with a bricked iphone. Bad

[fluorescentbrains]

just ordered a new (pre-owned) phone, after almost 6 years with my (pre-owned) iphone 7. excited for apps to work again

[virescent-v]

Hey, can I request #92 pls. Maybe with a little angst but I’m leaving it to you🩷

hi hi hi, so sorry this took like...two weeks. life, ya know?

it started as something, and im not sure this is the angst you were really looking for (that really isn't my area of expertise i should work on that lmfao) but i hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

Definitely Not Friends

Word Count: 2.7k+

Prompt: “friends don’t do this kind of shit”

Warnings: It's smutty, ya'll, but not my "normal" kind of smut

The repetitive nature of your ongoing…tryst with Emily was getting under your skin. It had all started off so innocently; just some casual flirtation between coworkers. Nothing that Derek and Penelope haven’t been accused of over the years. But before you knew it, you were spending more alone time with Emily than any of your other coworkers. Late night talks on the phone, dinners after long cases to unwind, Friday night movie nights, the list goes on. 

At first, you didn’t think much of it. Just two coworkers who saw some terrible shit every day who got on well enough to lean on one another. 

But then Emily started pushing the envelope. 

A brush across your shoulders as she was passing by. A squeeze of your hand before getting out of the SUV to catch a killer. Eye contact that lasted just a little too long. A lip bite that made your breath catch. 

Innocent enough things that you convinced yourself you were just imagining them. 

But then one night after a gut wrenching case, she kissed you. 

She had driven you home from the airport after getting back from a two week case in Minnesota. It was well after midnight, you could barely keep your eyes open, and you couldn’t figure out if you wanted to spend the rest of the night crying, eating your feelings in ice cream, or sleeping for the next six days. 

She walked you to your door, nothing out of the usual. You looked at her before going inside to say goodbye, but she engulfed you in the best hug of your life. Her arms around you were strong. Supportive. You could feel your whole body melt into hers. 

You’ve never felt more safe. 

When you pulled back a little to look at her, your eyes caught and you tried to convey everything you couldn’t find the words for. You could feel your heart pounding in your chest. 

And then, she kissed you and she ran. 

You stood stupefied on your porch, watched her get back into the unmarked SUV before speeding off into the night. 

You didn’t talk to her for three days. 

At work, she acted like everything was normal. 

You couldn’t bring yourself to bring it up because you weren’t even sure what it was. Was it just a comfort thing? Did she have feelings for you? You couldn’t tell. Emily was so hard to read on a good day, let alone when your head was all over the place. 

A few days passed and it had seemed like everything went back to normal. You talked every day, had gone to a few meals together, and she came over for a movie night. 

Except this movie night was different, too. 

She was wearing a skimpier set of pajamas. A loose fitting tank top and the shortest pair of shorts you had ever seen. You knew for a fact that she wasn’t wearing a bra because her nipples were visible through the material. You weren’t sure how she hadn’t caught you staring. 

She sat closer to you on the couch than normal, too. Your sides were basically joined from shoulder to thigh. You could feel her warmth radiating from her to you, the nervous excitement making your body heat up even more in return. 

Again, you weren’t sure what was happening, but you were going to roll with it. The unknowing was thrilling in itself. 

Emily fell asleep halfway through whatever romcom you had put on, her head on your shoulder, her hand lazily resting on your thigh. 

You were too nervous to move, your breaths short as not to jostle her. 

You’re pretty sure you could die happy on this couch with Emily’s head resting on you. 

It was almost the end of the movie when Emily shuffled in her sleep, her head moving towards the crook of your neck, her hand traveling dangerously close to the apex of your thighs. You could feel the heat erupt through your body, your stomach starting to twist into knots. You knew you should probably wake her, get her into your guest bed, and go to sleep. But you were enjoying her being this close too much. 

You could feel her breath against the side of your neck, the little puffs of air almost tickling. She grunted in her sleep, her hand tightening around your thigh, her nose nuzzling against you as she let out a sexy little “mmhmm.” 

Your mind immediately went to the gutter and you could only imagine her making that sound as she ground her hips against yours in your bed. 

You pressed your thighs together to stop the zoom of arousal that shot through you. You barely suppressed the moan that wanted to tumble from your lips. 

You finally gained the courage to wake her and get her to the guest room. Sleepy Emily was one of your favorites; she turned almost incoherent and klutzy and it was maybe the cutest thing you’d ever seen. 

As you were pulling the sheets up around her, she all but dragged you into the bed with her. She got you settled under the covers and immediately cuddled into you, making you into the little spoon. Again, you could feel her breath on your neck, her hand lazily drawing patterns on your upper thigh and hip. 

You felt yourself freeze as she sleepily mumbled, “Stop overthinking it. Go to sleep.” 

You woke up the next morning and she was already gone. 

Your life with Emily continued on like this for a month. Little things would happen that would make you question your relationship to her and then she’d act as if nothing happened and that you two were just really good friends. 

It was making your mind spin, giving you a constant headache. 

You were almost fed up with the constant see-sawing, ready to talk to her about what was happening, when you two first fell into bed together. 

Another bad case, a late night out at the bar with everyone, and too many shots of tequila. 

You woke up the following morning with a pounding headache, a dry mouth, and fuzzy memories of the night before. All you could remember was the smell of her signature perfume, the feel of lips on skin, and sore muscles. 

You probably would’ve written it off, thought it was just your overactive imagination if it hadn’t been for the rather large bite mark on the inside of your thigh. 

You could feel your cheeks heating up in embarrassment, especially since the memories were still alluding you. You probably would’ve tried to write it off as a random hook up if it hadn’t been for the fact that Emily had woken up in bed beside you, an almost matching bite mark against her collarbone. 

This time, it was a little harder to write off what had happened. Especially since you were both naked. 

You could feel your mouth opening and closing like a fish, an almost panicked look in your eyes. 

Emily cleared her throat. “Wanna get breakfast?” 

You were never more appreciative and pissed for her nonchalant attitude. 

“Sure,” you said, a sudden burst of confidence hitting you as you got out of bed to head to the bathroom without worrying about covering up. 

You’re pretty sure you heard Emily gasp as you closed the bathroom door, a little victorious smirk playing at your lips. 

Again, you two never talked about what happened. 

It almost seemed like a game. How many days you two could go before stumbling into one of these moments together. 

You made it thirty-six hours without snuggling on the couch for a movie. 

You made it thirty-seven hours without Emily’s hand finding your thigh. 

You made it eighty-eight hours without her kissing you after a night out. 

You made it one hundred and fourteen hours before she was back in your bed. 

Except this time, you were both sober. 

You had almost gotten yourself killed. Not on purpose, just a run in with one of the many psychopaths you deal with at work. Wrong place, wrong time kind of thing. 

But after he’d been placed in cuffs, Emily had this absolutely feral look in her eyes. Uncaged. Like she was seconds away from combusting. 

She drove you home. Like always. But the entire ride was silent. 

You made it into your apartment, the door barely closed behind you before she exploded. “What the fuck were you thinking?” She shouted. 

It made you take a step back. She’d never raised her voice at you before. Emily was breathing heavily, her chest heaving, her fists clenched at her sides. 

You were sure you looked scared, befuddled, bewildered. You couldn’t even process quick enough to say anything before she continued. 

“You almost got yourself killed! He had you pinned to the fucking floor! There’s bruises along your arms from where he touched you!” At this point, you could see Emily almost vibrating with her anger. But you were fairly certain she wasn’t actually angry. At least you hoped not. 

“I can’t believe you would be so reckless to walk into a building alone! You knew what he was capable of! How sneaky he’s been! But you didn’t care!” Emily started pacing around the floor, her eyes wild, but focused on her hands, her fingers twisting around each other. 

You could feel your own misplaced anger starting to race through your veins. “I knew what I was doing! I had cleared the room! I don’t know how he got the jump on me, but how on earth is that my fucking fault, Emily? We split up, like we do to cover the premises, and I drew the short end of the stick!” You let out a breath. “Why are you blaming me? Blame him!” 

She spun around to face you, her nostrils flaring. “I am! But I’m also blaming you!” 

You rolled your eyes, tossed your hands up,” Why? What did I do? Why are you mad at me and yelling at me?” 

“Because you didn’t wait for me!”  

Your eyes caught Emily’s. Beneath the anger, beneath her guarded shell, you could see the fear in her eyes. The realization that something worse than a couple of bruises could have happened. 

You tried to open your mouth, say something, but before you could, Emily muttered a quick “fuck it” before crossing the room to you, crushing her lips to yours. 

Before you knew it, clothes were scattered along the hallway to your bedroom. 

Emily tossed you back onto the bed, her body quickly making its way between your thighs. You quickly wrapped your legs around her waist, dragging her closer to you, tangling your hands in her hair as you brought her down for another heated kiss. 

Emily broke away from you, trailing her lips down the side of your neck, quickly finding the spot behind your ear that made you moan out loud. She spent a considerable amount of time there, making sure to leave her mark before moving lower down your throat, kissing across your collarbones, and down between the valley between your breasts. 

She wasted no time wrapping her lips around your turgid peak, taking satisfaction in the way it made you fist the sheets below you in your hands. She made sure to give the same attention to the other nipple, her hand making sure to not leave the opposite one alone for long. 

Emily could spend hours giving your breasts the attention they deserved, but she was almost as impatient as you seemed to be, so she kept making her way down your body, finding the sweet spots that made you whimper or sigh, making note of them for later. 

You could feel how wet you were already, but with Emily between your legs, you couldn’t get any friction to help the ache that was building. 

“Em, please,” you whispered, almost embarrassed by how much you needed her. The build up from all of the times she was just a little too close, the lingering touches, and even the thought of the last time you two fell into bed together (even though you unfortunately don’t remember much of it). It was driving you crazy. 

“Don’t worry, baby, I’ve got you,” she smirked at you before swiping her tongue through your wetness. 

“Fuck,” you breathed out, your eyes rolling back a little, one of your hands shooting down to her hair to keep her there. 

Emily ate you out as if her life depended on it, as if she could spend the rest of her life between your legs. She took her time to explore every inch of you, figuring out what moves made you whine, which ones made your entire body shudder, and what made you grip her hair harder. 

It didn’t take long for you to climb towards the edge of your orgasm, but before you could fall over, Emily stopped and pulled away from you. 

The gasp, the outrage on your face almost made Emily laugh out loud. “I love being friends with you,” she snickered at you, a taunting glint in her eyes. 

“Friends don’t do this kind of shit,” you scoffed, flabbergasted at Emily’s ability, even with your juices all over her face, to ignore what was happening between you two. 

You could feel Emily pause, her body tight, afraid to move. She didn’t expect you to lash out, and she could tell you weren’t really happy with her, upset with her disregard of everything. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her hands finding purchase on your hips, her thumbs rubbing back and forth a little. “I never knew how to…address this,” she shrugged. 

You nearly laughed at how small she looked, unable to make eye contact with you. She didn’t have an issue with having her mouth on your pussy two minutes ago, but now she couldn’t look you in the eye. 

“A conversation would’ve been a good place to start, Em. You made me feel like I was going crazy.” 

Her eyes finally caught yours and you could instantly tell that she really did feel sorry. Feelings just weren’t her thing. Before she could apologize again, you cut her off, “We can talk about it after you finish fucking me, Emily.” 

You watched her demeanor transform to something hungrier, cockier, feral. “Yes ma’am,” she mockingly saluted before connecting her lips to yours again, trying to convey everything that she was feeling. 

Her hand traveled down from your hip, stilling at the apex of your thighs, silently asking for permission. You nodded against her, your lips still connected in a heated kiss. 

She teasingly stroked your warm, wet pussy with her hand, gathering your juices on her fingers. She pulled back from your kiss, watching your expression as she slowly thrusted two fingers inside of you. 

You tried to keep eye contact with her, but after the build up of all of the little moments between you, it felt so good to finally have her inside of you. Emily slowly built up to an almost punishing pace, something fast, and hard, and exactly what you needed. Her fingers curled at just the right angle to hit that spot inside of you that made your toes curl and your breath hitch. 

Emily’s other hand made contact with your straining clit, rubbing tight, little circles to match her thrusts. You could feel yourself rushing towards that edge again, a breath away from letting go. 

“Come on, pretty girl. Let go for me.” 

Your release hit you like a freight train, your back arching off of the bed, your mouth open in a silent scream. You felt your muscles tense, the euphoria washing through you, before letting go and relaxing as Emily fucked you through your orgasm. You tried to catch your shallow breath, a light sheen of sweat across your flushed skin, before looking at Emily, your hands starting to dance across her skin. 

Emily’s own hands caught yours, catching the questioning look in your eyes. She kissed both of your palms before tangling your fingers together. “Later, baby. We should talk first.” 

Those words would usually cause a rush of panic to course through your blood, but something about the way that Emily was looking at you put you at ease. 

You took a deep breath, smiling a little at her, kissing her hands in return. “Yeah, we should.” 

She smiled back. 

And she didn’t run.

[musings-ofthe-unamused]

The Distance Between Us

Pairing: Micah Yujin x gn!Reader

Word Count: 1.6k

A/N: Ooo it just makes sense to me that my first repost on this account is Micah Yujin

You shut the door quietly tiptoeing inside your room. It felt odd to be doing that inside your own room, but you didn’t want to wake up the snoring mass on your bed. It had been about two hours since you woke up, but he was here, still sleeping like a rock. It was almost cute. You set down the large plushie in your arms and took out your phone. A line of drool spilled out of his open mouth and his arm was thrown over the side of the bed. The sight itself would make a perfect screensaver. So you took a picture, immediately setting it to rest on your screen.

“Micah,” You whispered. “Micah, wake up.”

He let out a groan. “Five more minutes.”

You poked his cheek. “Micah~. C’mon get your lazy ass up.”

“No! I don’t wanna go to school!” He rolled over, batting your hand away.”

“Ok, fine. Have it your way.” You took in a deep breath then shouted as loudly as you could. “HOLY SHIT! MICAH, YOU’RE GONNA MISS THE BUS!!”

“Fuck!!”

Micah got tangled in all the blankets, panicking to get up. He fell off the bed then sat up, looking around. Instead of finding a parent yelling at him, he found you covering your mouth, trying not to laugh. Micah slowly stood and blinked the sleep out of his eyes.

“Still dreaming about school?” You giggled.

“Shut up.” He rubbed his head. “What time is it?”

You walked over to him, fixing his bed head. “Almost 2. You slept in for pretty long.”

“We did stay up until three am,” He yawned, stretching out his muscles Then his eyes widened. “Fuck.”

“What?”

“My flight. It leaves in like two hours.”

“Oh.”

You knew he would be leaving at some point. You just didn’t think it was going to be right after he came to visit. You backed away from him. It was so sudden that he came, You were too caught up in the happiness of not only having your dream first date, but having him that you didn't even think about how long he would be staying.

Micah shrugged. “Well, it’s too late now. Guess I have to leave at the end of the week.”

“But I live close to the airport so-“

“Nope.”

Micah pulled on your arm and dragged you down onto your mattress. You let out a small laugh and he buried his face in your neck. His hold was tight. You held him back just as tightly. It was sort of endearing, the way he wanted to stay here with you. 

“Can you really stay until the end of the week?”

“Wouldn’t you like that, angel?” He whispered in your neck.

“What happens if I say yes?”

“Then I’ll be one happy man.”

“But you can’t stay?”

He leaned back slightly and looked up at you. “If you want me to.”

“I-“ You paused, looking away. “I want to say yes. But what will you do about work? Or the fact that you came here with almost nothing?”

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.” He sat up, laughing slightly. He then spotted the new addition of plushies on your bed. “What's this?”

“Oh!” You picked it up and handed it to him. “For you!”

He took it. “For me?”

“Yeah! You gave me one to keep me company so…I did the same.”

Micah inspected it, squishing it gently. “What animal even is it? A cat? Fox? Dog?”

“Uhh….yes.”

“Perfect.”

***

The airport was busy. It took a while to be able to even find a parking spot. Now you waited for Micah as he bought some snacks and a drink. He came out, struggling to carry the stuff he bought and the plushie. You took the plushie. 

“Thank you, angel.”

“Got everything?”

“Think so..” He looked around then his eyes met yours as he grinned. “Just need you.”

You groaned. “Alright, come on Mr. Suave, let’s go check to see which gate you’re at.”

“You think I’m suave?”

“Only sometimes.”

He laughed. Your heart ached. That fucking laugh was a gift to hear in real life, not through a screen. And that would be gone soon. You two made your way to the large screen showing all flights. You wished that all of yesterday never ended. Watching movies, playing card games, making jokes, and just being in each other's presence felt like it was a lifetime away. 

If life could be like a fairytale, that would be amazing. Living in the bubble of happiness that he gave you would have been amazing. Yet, as much as you hated it, life gave you other plans. When he wasn’t being a menace or making you blush, he looked peaceful. As if he was constantly thinking about something that made him happy.  You watched as Micah pouted, sitting on his suitcase as he crossed his arms and stared up and searched for his flight number. You held his plushie in your arms, squeezing it tightly. 

He squinted. “Can I just stay?”

“Yes”

“Really?”

“No,” You rolled your eyes. “We both have work. And someone decided flying down here without a plan was a good idea.”

“It was,” Micah mumbled, pursing his lips and looking away. “You seemed to enjoy it anyway.”

You walked over to him and poked his shoulder. He looked up at you. Normally (as normal as knowing him for a week is), you would be annoyed by that stupidly cute pout on his face. All you wanted to do was make him smile. Leave off on a good note instead of sad. 

“We can talk once you’re back.”

“But it’s not the same.” 

“Then visit again.”

His face lit up. You help up a finger, your face twisting in a scowl.

“But we need a plan! Like what we’re gonna do about work, how long you’re actually gonna stay…you know. Responsible stuff.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Are you calling me irresponsible?”

“Maybe.”

“You could’ve kicked me out. Accepting a stranger into your home through your window isn’t very responsible either.”

You placed a hand on your heart. “You’re right! I promise I’ll do better, Micah Yujin.”

He pat your head. “That’s better.”

You two giggled and he stood, gulping down the rest of his energy drink. You scrunched your nose. You had no idea how he constantly threw those back, much less before a flight. If it were you, you would just pop some dramamine and hope you stayed passed out the whole flight. The two of you started to walk in silence towards the security check. His shoulders bumped into you and you squeezed the plushie as hard as you could, biting your lip.

“Well,” He turned towards you. “This is were we part.”

“It is.”

“I feel like we’re in a romance movie,” He chuckled. “But seriously, I’m glad I came down here.”

You held out the plushie towards him. “Me too. I’ll talk to you later, Yujin. Don’t miss me too much.”

“Thank you, angel. At least someone wants to go home with me,” He put on a falsetto voice and poked at the plushie. “Isn’t that right, Skrunkly Jr.?”

“Is that the name you’re going with?”

He shrugged. “Seemed fitting.”

You laughed. “Alright. Get going or you’re gonna be late.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.” You waved and then started to walk away. It hurt more than you thought it would. 

“Wait! I forgot something!”

You turned around on your foot, an exasperated sigh leaving your lips. “Really, Micah? I told you to make sure you have everything before we-”

“Shut up, I’m gonna kiss you now!”

Micah’s arm wrapped around your waist and he dipped you down. Your breath caught in your throat as you wrapped your arms around his shoulders to keep from falling. His lips were chapped and tasted like the Cherry Blade Lemonade Bang he bought earlier. It was mostly sweet with a slight sourness to it. A jolt of electricity went down your spine as you felt your face flush. Micah pulled away, not meeting your eyes.

“Uh.”

“Bye.”

He turned and hightailed the fuck out. You watched with wide eyes as Skrunkly Jr. fell off the top of his suitcase. He picked it up and hugged it close to him. A trail of muttered “shit, shit, shit” was all that was left. You placed two of your fingers to your lips and then covered your face with your hands. Did he just dip and kiss you in public? You turned around, trying not to smile too widely as you left the airport. When you made it back in your car, you took out your phone. 

Micah💩: fhdsjalfhdjsla

Micah💩: vcxbzjvksbj oh my god

Micah💩: I cant believe i did that

You: neither can i

Micah💩: forgive me

You: 🤨are you saying you didnt like kissing me

Micah💩: i liked it very much

You: then there’s nothing to apologize for

Micah💩: did you like it?

You: i did. 

You: i also liked the taste of that bang

You: i’ll be energized for hours ;)

Micah💩: gfhjslghfjlsdghjfld

Micah💩: I need to board

Micah💩: i’ll miss you

Micah💩: and i’ll be recovering from this the whole time

Micah💩: talk to you later

You: Be safe. Let me know when you land.

You set your phone down. After a deep breath, you screamed and hit your hands against the steering wheel. What was that man thinking? Yes, you enjoyed it. Yes, it was a great first kiss and not awkward at all. But god fucking damn it, it made you want more. It made you miss him. A part of you wanted to stop the plane, drag him off it, and take him home. Your heart was happy but it sank a little at the thought of the growing distance between the two of you. 

“God,” You grumbled to yourself. “I’m gonna miss that idiot so much.”

[stayandot8]

Caught In The Blast

Genre: angsty mess

Relationship type: exes

Important Contents: slight swearing, gahd dayum this hurt to write but enjoy the fruits of my 2-6am labor

WC: 2.1k

mastrlist

The fight was a bad one. The worst one we’d ever had. 

He hadn’t slept, I didn’t either. We were both in bad head spaces, I know that now. It was a conversation that never should have happened. It was a perfect storm of everything that could have gone wrong, did. 

He had just come back from tour, which explained why he had his bags wih him. He came straight from the airport to my apartment, where I had been up waiting for him. He was four hours late, which he swore up and down wasn’t his fault. I tried to believe him, but there was a voice in the back of my head that told me he was lying for some reason. I had no grain of evidence for this accusation, yet I had convinced myself that this anthill was indeed the mountain I would die on. 

He came in the door in a bad mood. The air around him was just exhausted and defeated, not normal to how he would come home from previous tour months. He almost threw his luggage down when he entered and sighed so loud I heard it across the room. Already irritated with how late he was, I checked the clock for the fourth time that hour and said the worst thing imaginable to start a conversation with your boyfriend that you haven’t seen in six months when you can already tell he’s in a bad mood. 

“You’re late again.”

A great start.

“I know. I told you I was gonna be.” 

“I just wasn’t expecting you to be four fucking hours late, Chris. That’s all.”

“Well I didn’t fly the plane, I don’t know what you would’ve wanted me to do.”

“Did you come straight from the airport or did you sneak off to the studio again? You have a tendency to do that.”

“Really? This again? Come on, I literally have my bags with me. I wanted to see you, so I came straight here. Is that so hard to believe?”

“Yeah, it is actually when we haven’t talked on the phone since you were in Japan. Especially when we talked every night before that.” I said that last part under my breath, not quite hoping he wouldn’t hear it, but rather just in case the pang in my chest that I would regret it later was right. 

“Well, shit got busy, I don’t know what you want me to say. The closer we got to the end, the more tired I was.” Or was it because you didn’t miss me? 

“A text telling me that wasn’t too much to do, was it? I just don’t see what would’ve been so hard about-”

“Look. I just landed, I came straight here, and all I want to do is sleep.” He dragged his bags into my room and left me alone in the living room, seething. I wasn’t about to let him off the hook like that, no. My innermost need to win any argument, a quality I got from my mother, wouldn’t let me. So I followed him into the bedroom to see him packing up some of his stuff into his bags.

“What are you doing?”

“I came here to be with my girlfriend after being away for months but if you’re going to be like this, then I’m going back to mine. I know I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.”

“When I’M being like this? Like what? I’m just being honest. A text isn’t too much to ask for, is it Chris? I feel like I haven’t talked to you in what feels like years and you come back and act like you don’t even want to be here! How am I supposed to react to that? What would you like me to say? I missed you so excuse me for wanting to know-”

“What am I supposed to say? ‘I’m sorry for being busy’? ‘I’m sorry that my job keeps me fucking exhausted all the time and I’m sorry that I can’t be there for you all the time’? This is my job, this is my life. This is what I signed up for. I have no room to complain about anything to anyone. Just,” He turned away from me to make for the connected bathroom. “Let me grab my stuff and I’ll be out of here.” 

“Maybe when you eventually get back, I’ll be a happy, normal person again who never questions you and will always just be happy to see you whenever you grace me with your presence.” I turned to grab my stuff to storm out, ever the drama queen. “And if you see my boyfriend anywhere, let me know. Tell him to call me.”

“And when you find my girlfriend, tell her when she stops being a bitch for no reason, to come and find me.” He’d never called me that before. I don’t think he’d ever called anyone that before. It had come out of nowhere, seemingly from the depths of his chest with how much vigor he said it with. It was such a surprise that I dropped my coat and shoes on the floor. And then the rage hit. 

“What did you just say?” I said to the door, not wanting to turn around. I couldn’t believe my ears. 

“I knew I would regret that as soon as I said it.” I heard his voice come closer, but he knew better than to try and touch me. “I’m sorry.” The first apology of the night. “I shouldn’t have let my anger get the better of me. I haven’t slept and I’m not in my right mind.”

“You’re damn right you’re not in your right mind. And if this is what your ‘job’ has turned you into after this long, I’m not sure I can keep up. The man I know would never do that, no matter how stressed or how tired he was. He wouldn’t act like this.”

“This isn’t me, you know that.”

“I’m not sure what I know anymore.” I finally turned to him, my cheeks wet with my silent tears and my things forgotten on the floor. “What happened to you?” 

“It’s too much to explain, you wouldn’t understand it all.”

“Then help me understand! I want to, so please just help me. Help me see the world of your profession through your eyes.”

“That’s just it! I can't! It’s not just a profession at this point. It has turned into my whole life. My whole life is under the control of people who don’t know me unless I make myself heard. I have to fight for my voice and sometimes even that isn’t enough. I’m not just fighting for me, I have seven other people I need to make sure whose voices are heard.” 

“I know that, Chan. I know it’s not just you. But there comes a time when you have to put yourself first or else there won’t be anything left for you to fight with.”

“If you think that I wouldn’t fight until I have nothing left, then you don’t know me as well as I thought you did.” 

“That kind of talk is self-destructive, Chan. You’re going to implode. There will be pieces of you on the walls of the JYP building. And you’re going to take me down with you.”

“If there are pieces of me left, then at least I will have made my mark on something. And I wouldn’t want my ‘self-destructive talk’ to infect anyone else, so I guess there should be as much distance between us as possible.” He pushed past me to get into my room, his empty bags in his hands. He started gathering his stuff and throwing it on my bed to pack it. “Wouldn’t want you to get caught in the blast.” 

“Oh yeah, because I wouldn’t be there to pick them up like I have a dozen times before. Because everytime you call I’m there. Whenever you need me, I ran to you. But when I need you, where are you? I know you love to make everyone feel loved but when it counts? You feel like you’re being pulled in a thousand directions but why is that? Do you not put yourself there? You don’t help yourself! To the point where no one else can help either because we don’t know how!”

“Like you’ve ever asked how you can help me! You’re so focused on what’s wrong that you don’t see what’s right in front of you. I’m withering away and there’s nothing I can do! Nothing anyone can do…”

He collapsed onto the floor, in the middle of his half-packed bags, and curled into himself. Just like I had said, there was nothing I could do for him now. I had no ideas, no suggestions, no solutions for him. 

I loved him. I knew in that moment I did. I knew it from the moment I met him and from that point on I would for as long as I lived. But I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn’t watch him self-destruct. If this was what it took for him to realize what he was doing to himself, then maybe it had to be done. 

He grabbed his zip-up Mahagrid hoodie he used to wear for his lives that he had to do while he was at my house. I slept in it every night when he wasn’t here, which had been often nowadays.

“Can you at least leave that?”

“Why?” His tone was dead. 

“You barely wear it anymore and you know it's my favorite. You’ve seen how often I sleep in it. Are you that bitter that you wouldn't let me have it?”

“Yeah, actually. It’s mine and I’m keeping it.” And he shoved it into his bag and zipped it up. “You’ll be fine.” There wasn’t any malice in his tone there, more like… remorse, if I had to put a name to it. Like he didn’t want to do it but had to to soothe some inner turmoil he was currently going through. He gathered his bags and gently shoved past me in the doorway. I think he believed I would try and stop him. One more disappointment to give him and on his way out, no less. He slowed when he got to the door and stopped when his hand had reached the door handle. It was like he didn't want to leave because he knew there was no coming back. In some way, I think he knew that this was the last straw and this…this would be the last time he knew that he would be on this side of that door. So I said the only thing I could think of that I knew was still true and would be until the day I stopped breathing.

“I love you, Chris.”

“I know.” And he closed the door gently behind him. 

That was three days ago. My apartment was now littered with used tissues and empty cups of whatever I had in the fridge because it was the only thing I could keep down. I knew I did the right thing. That didn’t make it any easier. And honestly, I expected a text at the very least by now, but my phone was still black across the counter in the kitchen. I felt like I had been staring at it everyday when I woke up until the moment I fell asleep. I spent the last 72 hours moping around my apartment, doing nothing but avoiding the calls from my parents, friends, and anyone whose name wasn’t Chris Bang. Which never came. 

Staring at the contents of my fridge, I couldn’t help the chill that shot down my spine. I had to settle for one of my own hoodies, not nearly giving the sense of home that I had been very dearly missing for the past three days. The fuzz of this sweatshirt just wasn’t cutting it and to be real with myself, I missed him. I fucking missed him a lot. 

God damnit. 

There was nothing in this fridge. Who was I kidding, I hadn’t gone shopping in a week and it was starting to show. The shelves were empty and for the first time, I was actually starting to feel the hunger. Swallowing what little self-respect I had, I put on my shoes, grabbed my keys, and opened my front door.

And there it was, in its black and white lettering glory. Sitting in a cardboard box was his zip-up hoodie. No letter, nothing else in the box, just this. The last piece of him that I would have, thanks to him. 

He would always love me. Just like I would always love him. Nothing would ever change that. Maybe later in life, we could come back together. There was always that hope. But until then, we would have to settle for this; deep down, I knew that promise to always root for each other still stood. I knew he would keep up his end. 

I never took it off.

[oh-surprise-its-me]

Roy/Jamie prompt: Roy has to fly out somewhere for a recruitment event. When Jamie takes him to the airport they say goodbye, both of them holding back tears. They are absolutely miserable without each other, especially when something happens that delays the event so Roy has to stay for a bit longer. Roy is an even more glowering and grouchy version of himself and even though he secures several new prospects for Richmond, he just can't bring himself to celebrate. He goes to his hotel room just wanting to call Jamie and go to bed, so imagine his surprise when he opens the door to find Jamie Tartt waiting for him wearing nothing but a pleased little smirk and love shining in his eyes?

🚨WOOP WHOOP THATS THE SOUND OF THE HORNY POLICE 🚨

(It’s okay anon we can be bunk mates in jail)

Roy fucking loved zoom calls. He could mute people, he could not talk, he could have Jamie in the room and no one would know.

Fucking in person recruiting. Fucking Josh who got the date wrong so he’s flying in tomorrow. What kind of name is Josh anyway.

He knows he was more of a grouch then usual, but in his defense he had to cancel his 9am flight back to Jamie.

London.

Home.

Jamie.

Whatever the fuck. It doesn’t matter now because Josh made him stick around for another three days.

Josh had better have a foot touched by god and all the fucking wisemen.

Roy slams his room key into the sensor. It blinks red.

Fucking seriously. He slams his way back into the elevator, fuck it might as well call Jamie.

It rings for a good few seconds before he picks up.

“Roy! How’d the extra first day go?”

Roy leans against the wall watching the number tick down. “Hell. I want to strangle Josh but I can’t because he won’t even be here until tomorrow.”

Roy hears their bed squeak, Jamie rolling around. “That fuckin sucks. I miss you.”

There’s a hint of something in Jamie’s voice. He can’t quite tell what. “Did you at least do anything fun today baby?”

Jamie laughs, Roy can picture him perfectly in their bed sheets tossed around, bare skin for miles. He wishes he wasn’t standing in the lobby of a hotel getting a new key.

“Nothing crazy. Bought some new sweats. Planned out a hike to take Phoebe on.”

“I love you.”

He hears Jamie sigh, “I love you too, miss you like crazy. I hate to cut this short but I think Marigold is caught on something I’ve gotta go love you!”

Roy opens his mouth return the sentiment but just hears the beep of the tone.

Christ this key better work.

He slams it into place again, green.

He opens the door and sets the bag down, weird he doesn’t remember leaving a lamp on. Probably house keeping.

He walks into the room.

Jamie.

Holy shit Jamie.

Jamie laughs, Roy must’ve said that last part out loud.

“Baby why are you here??”

Jamie gets up off the bed, Roy now notices Jamie is in fact not wearing any clothing. “Thought I’d surprise you, had Beard deactivate your room key so I’d have a bit of warning.”

“You little prick. How.

“Movie magic baby. But really I’ve got a lot of unused miles and couldn’t take another three days.”Jamie runs a hand across and down Roy’s chest, lightly toying with the waistline of the jeans.

Roy lunges forward, he shoves Jamie back onto the bed, flips him over.

“You aren’t leaving this bed tonight, or in the morning. You are going to fucking limp and look like you belong to me by the end.

Jamie let’s out a moan, “please god Roy touch me.” He reaches back and grabs a handful of hair lightly pulling to try and make Roy go faster.

Roy starts biting his was from neck to ass, he’s not going to miss a spot, they’ve got time.

—

“Roy I can’t fucking stand is this how are we supposed to go sight seeing.”

“Baby you are the sights, keep complaining and I’ll spank you.”

“Ooh honey don’t threaten me with that.”

*the smack heard round the world*

[all-the-things-2020]

Late Night Talking - Chapter Thirteen

Summary: The aftermath of the encounter with Jonathan.

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: references to rehab, loneliness, angst

Notes: This one is more serious than the other chapters but it’s something they had to go through. Things will get more rom-commy after this, I promise!

Word Count: 4300+

Tag list: @rhoorl @avastrasposts @readingiskeepingmegoing @runningmom94 @gwendibleywrites @weho2kcmo

I was still cramming clothes into my suitcase when I heard the lock buzz on the door.

”What the hell was that?” Dieter said.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be out of here in a few minutes,” I said.

”What the fuck? Are you packing? Em, what’s going on?”

I slammed the suitcase shut and turned toward him. “I should be asking you what the fuck is going on. But I have a pretty good idea.”

He just looked at me. He was going to make me say it. “I saw you, Deiter. I saw you kissing him. And if it was up to me you’d get another Oscar for the performance you’ve been putting on these last few months.”

He ran his hand through his hair. “Oh, shit … I … he caught me by surprise.”

”He caught you and he can have you,” I said, lifting the suitcase. “I’m going home.”

He stepped in front of me. “Wait. Just calm down, Em. There’s no need to go charging off like this. We have a flight booked in the morning. Can we just talk about this?”

”There’s nothing to talk about! You were making out with someone else while we were on a fucking date.”

”I didn’t kiss him back,” Dieter said. “I swear. Like I said, he caught me by surprise and …”

”If someone surprised me with an unwanted kiss, I’d push them away. I’d tell them to stop, not close my eyes and savor the moment.” My voice shook as my throat tightened. “I believed you, Dieter. I thought you loved me.”

”I do love you,” he said. “I — I fucked up. I admit it. I shouldn’t have let Jonathan get as far as he did. I — oh, fuck!” He dropped to his knees. “Please, Em, don’t leave right now. Give me a chance to explain.”

”There’s nothing to explain,” I said sadly. “And maybe we can talk about this later on but right now … I just can’t.”

”Okay, then, we won’t talk about it, but just … stay the night. I won’t talk to you, I won’t touch you, we’ll just get some sleep and try to fix things in the morning.” His eyes were swimming with tears and as angry as I was, I couldn’t resist those puppy dog eyes looking up at me.

”I’ll stay,” I said. “But I can’t talk to you. I can’t even look at you.”

”Fair enough,” he said. “I’ll sleep on the floor or something.”

”Whatever.” I dropped the suitcase on the floor and went into the bathroom. I washed my face. My eyes were red and my face was blotchy, but I didn’t care. I stripped off my clothes and pulled on the clean bathrobe that was hanging on the back of the door. I had a nightshirt in my suitcase but I didn’t feel like going back out and rummaging through the mess to find it. I was tired and angry and as much as I wanted to get away from Dieter, I knew that going to bed was the best idea. In my condition, it really wasn’t a good idea for me to be negotiating my way around a strange city and airport in the middle of the night. Besides, changing my flight would cost money, as would an Uber or shuttle back to Dieter’s place to pick up my car. My bank account was stretched enough as it was.

When I came out of the bathroom, Dieter was sitting on the floor with his back against the side of the bed, his head in his hands. I ignored him and crawled into bed. I told myself I didn’t care if he sat there all night. I turned on my side so I was facing away from him and pulled the covers over my head. I’d been cold all day, and between the robe and the blankets, I finally managed to warm up. I was still shaking, though.

I’d lain there for at least a half an hour when I heard Dieter get up and go into the bathroom. After a moment, I heard his voice, low and urgent. I knew I should ignore him but the idea that he might be on the phone with Jonathan burned a hole in my brain. I crept out of bed and sat against the wall just outside the bathroom door. 

“I fucked up, Freddy,” Dieter said. I relaxed just a bit. He’d called his brother, not Jonathan. “I don’t know what to do,” he sobbed. ”I can’t … I don’t know what I’ll do without her.”

I should have gotten back into bed, but I stayed where I was. At that point, I figured eavesdropping was less of a crime than kissing another person.

”I don’t know,” Dieter said with a deep sigh. “I just … he was there when I came out of the men’s room and I wanted to tell him to fuck off, but he smiled at me and … you know that smile always made my knees weak. Next thing I knew, he was kissing me and I just froze. And she saw us.”

More silence.

”Yeah, she’s pretty pissed off. Not that I blame her. I did convince her not to go to the airport. I’ll try to talk to her in the morning.”

This time the silence was punctuated by sniffles and sobs.

“Yeah, me, too, man. I finally found someone who loves me for who I am, who doesn’t give a shit about whether I’m famous or rich or making her look good and …” His voice broke. “I fucked up with Mom and I fucked up with Dad and I almost fucked up with you and now … I don’t want to lose her, Freddy. I can’t lose her.” 

I crawled quietly away and back into bed. I was crying again myself, but this time it wasn’t because my heart was broken. It was because his was. And it was partly my fault. I hadn’t given him a chance to explain himself. Maybe if I had …

He stayed in the bathroom a while longer, then came out and very gently climbed onto the far side of the bed. I rolled over to face him.

”Sorry,” he whispered, his voice raw. “Did I wake you up?”

”No.”

”Do you mind if I …?”

”No. It’s fine.”

”Good night.”

I waited a long beat, then slid closer and put my arms around him. “I don’t want to lose you, either,” I said. 

He started sobbing again, his head cradled against my shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry. I fucked up, Em, I fucked up.”

”Shh … It’s okay. You can tell me in the morning. We both need a good night’s sleep.” I ran my fingers through his hair, lightly scratching his scalp. He calmed down a bit.

”Thank you,” he said, his voice impossibly small.

”For what?”

”For giving me a chance. For not leaving. For ….” His breath hitched. 

“Putting up with your melodramatics?”

He huffed out a laugh. “For being you,” he said. “For being real.”

*****************************************************************

For once, Dieter was up before I was. I woke up to find him hunched over his phone, tapping away. He glanced up as I stretched. 

“Hey, good morning,” he said hesitantly. “Give me a sec. Just messaging Janice. Want to see if she can work me in when we get back to L.A.”

”Dieter, you didn’t mess up that badly,” I said. “I should have given you a chance to explain, should have confronted you instead of trying to run off ….”

”It’s not that,” he said, shaking his head sadly. “It’s … I woke up during the night and I wanted … I wanted to use. Like if you hadn’t been there right next to me, I’d have been on the phone looking for a hook up. And believe me, there are a thousand ways to get hold of stuff on a Friday night in New York City.”

”But you didn’t,” I reminded him.

”Only because you were here,” he said. “If you’d left like you planned to … fuck, Emily, I don’t want to be that guy anymore. I thought I’d put him behind me.”

”You aren’t him,” I said. I sat next to him and put my arm around his shoulder. “You aren’t. I would never have fallen in love with him.”

”It’s Jonathan,” he said. “He brought back a shit ton of stuff I thought I was done with.”

I laid my head on his shoulder. “Tell me about him. About what happened last night. I promise I’ll just listen.” The morning had brought me a little clarity. I had overreacted.

”I knew Jonathan back in the day, when I was in college,” he said. “We hooked up now and then but it wasn’t anything serious until after my mom died. I was in L.A. and everyone was all about the fucking Oscar and I was self-medicating pretty heavily and he showed up on my doorstep. Like literally, I opened the door one day and he was there. And the first thing he said was ‘I heard about your mom,’ and that was it. He moved in and I thought, ‘Finally, someone cares about me and not just my stupid career.’

”Freddy warned me but I was still kind of estranged from him at the time and I told him to fuck off. I thought Jonathan was in love with me and I was in love with him. We got high and fucked each other and went to parties and yeah, maybe his career got a little boost, but he was there for me. At least, I thought so.

”Then one day he tells me he’s going to London with a producer who’d offered him a role in a movie and a Lamborghini. ‘Nothing personal’ he said. And when I asked why he’d stopped loving me, he laughed and said ‘Love doesn’t have anything to do with any of this.’ And he left, and I got so fucked up I got fired from the film I was doing and everything went downhill for years until I was doing Cliff Beasts and waking up in a hospital bed.”

He sighed deeply. “While I was in rehab, Janice helped me see that Jonathan had been using me, that I was better off without him, that I’d never really loved him. But last night … Em, it scared me how much I reacted to him. How attracted I still was.”

”Attraction is instinctual,” I said. “You can’t really control it.”

”He and I have nothing in common except how much we want to fuck each other,” he said. “And I’m with you now. I shouldn’t have felt that way about him.”

”Feeling and acting are two different things,” I said. “You can be attracted to anyone who ticks the right boxes in your brain. That has nothing to do with fidelity. It’s only wrong if you act on it.”

”I let him kiss me,” he said quietly.

”You didn’t kiss him back,” I reminded him. “You get partial credit for that. And you came after me instead of leaving with him.”

”How much of my conversation with Freddy did you hear?”

”A lot,” I confessed. “I … I thought you might be calling Jonathan, so I was listening at the door. I shouldn’t have.”

”No, it’s fine. I didn’t say anything to Freddy I shouldn’t have — wanted to — say to you. I’m not good at relationships, Em. I did everything I could to make my mom love me and notice me and you know how that turned out. And I alienated my dad because I thought I had to choose sides when they got divorced. I almost trashed things with Freddy but he was smart enough to see that I needed help and he was my number one supporter when I decided to go into rehab.

”And you … I don’t know why the universe sent you to me, Emily, but it did and I don’t want to fuck this one up, because I know this time I have the chance to do things right. The night of our first date, I called Freddy and I told him I thought you were The One. And he told me to wait a year and see if I still felt the same way. It hasn’t been a year yet, but I still feel that way.”

”I think … you’re getting ahead of yourself, Deet,” I said carefully. “We’ve only known each other about four months. We’re still in the rose-colored glasses phase. I … I want to jump in as much as you do, but remember when you told me I could move in? I seriously thought about it, and I talked to my friend Sam and she told me to really think it through, to listen to my head as much as my heart. I think she and Freddy are right. We need to slow down a little. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us. If we do this right, if we take our time and put in the work, it can last.”

”It might be hard,” he said.

”I think we’re worth it. You’re worth it.”

He put his arm around me and kissed my cheek. “I ain’t worth shit, but you are more precious than anything to me.”

”Not exactly eloquent but I’ll take it,” I said. “And you are worthy, Dieter Bravo. Worthy of love and respect, just like everyone else in the world.”

”You really think we can do this?”

I looked him in the eyes. “Yes,” I said. “I think we can. I trust you, Deet. I just need to stop jumping to conclusions every time I see you near an attractive person and listen to you when you tell me you want to be with me.” I tried to smile. “You aren’t the only one in this relationship who’s a bit fucked up, you know.”

”Maybe Janice can give us a two for one special,” he said, a glint starting to shine in his eyes for the first time. “Not sure if she does couples therapy ….” His face went serious again. “I might need some time to get things straight in my head again. Might even have to go back into rehab for a little while … are you okay with that?”

”I’m okay with anything that helps you feel better about yourself,” I said. “I want you to be happy.”

”You make me happy,” he said, laying his head on my shoulder. 

I closed my eyes. “Same,” I said, the only thing I could force out around the lump in my throat. Books and movies made love look so damn easy, but this was hard. This was real. I just hoped I was strong enough to see it through.

***********************************************************

Dieter met with Janice on Monday and checked back into rehab that evening. I got a text while I was at work.

DIETER: Good session with Janice. Checking in tonight. Won’t be able to talk to you for a while but J will send updates. Love u.

Janice called about eight o’clock that night to let me know that Dieter was fine. “I can’t tell you much because of patient-doctor confidentiality, but we had a very productive session this morning and honestly, this residence is just a precaution. I think Dieter just needs a bit of a safety net right now. I don’t expect him to be in for long.”

That was one of the longest weeks in my life. Work kept me busy during the day, although it was hard to keep up the facade in front of Eileen, but the evenings were torture. I hadn’t realized how much I relied on those nightly calls from Dieter. Whether we vented about work or made plans for the weekend or just joked around, it was the highlight of my day. I missed him, missed his voice, the weird faces he made when he forgot he was on FaceTime and I could see him. I missed the feeling of connection we’d built.

Friday night, I lost it. I was alone and feeling sorry for myself and I cried. I cried for me but mostly for Dieter. I wondered if he was as lonely as I was. Outside communication wasn’t allowed during the first week of his stay, so I wouldn’t hear from him until Monday at the earliest. 

The weekend crawled by. I caught up on chores and errands, which in theory was a good thing, but by Sunday night, I was feeling even more sorry for myself. A quick peek at Facebook and Instagram showed that most of my friends and coworkers had been out enjoying life while I was grocery shopping and cleaning the toilet and folding laundry. I’d been used to it before I met Dieter — the price I gladly paid for being an independent, self-sufficient single woman — but now it just seemed soul-crushingly dull. I felt myself descending into self-pity and did the one thing I knew could pull me out of the pit. I texted Sam.

ME: Save me.

SAM: What’s going on, chickie?

I dumped it all on her: what had happened with Jonathan, Dieter going into rehab, my feelings of loneliness and futility.

SAM: You’re gonna be okay. You’ve been through worse shit in your life, Em. You should have called me sooner.

ME: I didn’t want to put it on you. It’s my mess.

SAM: How many times have I bitched to you about my life? You’re allowed to tell me about yours.

ME: It’s just Dieter’s going through this by himself. I should be able to do the same.

SAM: Hold up, he’s got a whole fricking team of experts walking him through it. You’re the one who’s by herself. 

Sam was right. I’d been trying to navigate this alone, while Dieter had Janice and the staff of the rehab facility guiding him. As much as I hated to admit it, I needed help, too.

ME: Thanks, chickie. I can always rely on you to slap me upside the head with the truth when I need it. 

SAM: Any time. And hang in there. I think he’s worth it.

ME: So do I.

***********************************************

My phone rang at exactly eight o’clock Monday evening. It was Dieter.

”Hey!” He looked excited. “How you doing, sweetie?”

”Hanging in there,” I said. “You look good.”

”I feel good. It’s been a lot of work but, yeah, I feel really good. About myself. About us.”

”Any idea when you'll be out of there? I miss you.”

”End of the week, probably. Can you … will you be able to come out to my place next weekend?”

”Of course,” I said. 

He grinned. “I’m going one hundred percent sober this time, Em. No alcohol, no edibles, nothing. And it’ll be a lot easier the first few days if you’re with me. Not that I need you to be there, but … it would be nice.”

”I wouldn’t miss it,” I told him. “And you might not need me, but I need you, Deet. I’ve missed you so much.”

”I know,” he said. “I’ve been thinking about you. I’ve got all this support and schedules and really been able to focus on shit and you’ve been dealing with work and real life. I’m sorry, babe.”

”No need to apologize. You needed to do this. And I can already see what a difference it’s made.”

I heard a timer beep somewhere behind him. “Ah, shit, time’s up. I’ve gotta go. But I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you.”

”I love you, too.”

*******************************************************************

Even though his calls were brief, just talking to Dieter every night made the next week much better. When Friday came, I was champing at the bit all day. Dieter was leaving the rehab facility Saturday morning, and I wanted to be there when he got home, so I was going to make my usual Friday evening trek to Hollywood. For once I didn’t mind the traffic (well, I did, but I was in such a good mood I was able to keep my frustration to a minimum). 

The house felt hollow and empty when I went in. The cleaner had been there to dust and sweep but otherwise no one had been in the house for two weeks. It was too neat and tidy; Dieter always left a bit of chaos behind him. 

I ordered something for dinner and tried to watch TV but it just felt too lonely without Dieter. Then my phone rang.

”Hey, are you at my place already?,” he asked, squinting at the camera.

”Yeah, I wanted to be here when you get home, but … it’s kind of lonely without you. Maybe I should have driven over in the morning.”

”No, I think … I think it’s good. You can warm the bed up for me.” He winked. “I’ll sleep better knowing you’re there waiting for me.”

”Are you excited?” He seemed a bit antsy.

”Excited and scared,” he admitted. “It’s easy to be sober here, but in the real world, it’s gonna be tough. I’m glad you’re going to be there the first couple of days.”

”Me, too. I know this is scary, Deet, but you can do this. And I’ll be with you every step of the way. No matter what.”

After he hung up, I felt much lighter and the house didn’t seem so empty. It was ready to welcome Dieter home. And so was I.

************************************************

I felt like a kid waiting for Santa Claus. I was glued to the security camera feed on my phone, watching for Dieter’s car to turn into the driveway. I’d changed the sheets on the bed that morning, made sure there was coffee ready to brew in the machine, even run to the local bakery as soon as it opened to get some of those scones that Dieter loved so much. Everything was ready for him. Especially me.

I’d done a lot of thinking over the past two weeks and I felt a lot better about our relationship. It didn’t feel as fragile as it had before. I’d always been waiting for Dieter to realize he could do better than me, but after hearing him on the phone with Freddy, I felt stronger. Dieter needed me as much as I needed him. He saw me as a person, not just something that could enhance or damage his image. And I saw him fully for the first time, as a man who had been through some shit, and was doing his best to deal with it. Not a celebrity, not a dreamboat, just a guy. A guy who needed someone at his side.

And truth be told, I needed someone by my side. As much as I told myself I didn't need anyone else, I wanted to belong to someone. Not in the “I’m not complete until I have a man” way but in a “I want someone to have my back” kind of way. I had Sam but she was so far away, and she had a family and life of her own. She was there for me but I wanted — needed — something more. I wanted Dieter.

I was waiting at the door when he pulled up next to my car. He was smiling ear to ear as he got out, grabbed his bags and practically ran to the house. 

“God, I missed you,” he said, dropping his suitcases in the doorway and wrapping his arms around me.

”I missed you, too,” I said. He smelled amazing. It wasn’t just his cologne, which was subtle and spicy and woodsy. It was him. I’d missed his scent. I breathed him in until I felt like every bit of my body was full.

We barely had the door shut before he was kissing me. “There’s coffee and scones,” I managed to say in between kisses.

”Later,” he said. “Right now I just want you.”

We messed up the bed I’d so carefully made just a few hours ago, but I didn’t mind. It had only been two weeks since the last time we’d slept together, but it felt like months. Everything was new again and we took our time rediscovering each other. 

“You are amazing,” Dieter said afterwards as we lay in bed, knowing we should get up and get dressed but wanting to be lazy for just a bit.

”I didn’t do anything special,” I said. “You on the other hand …”

He shook his head. “I mean, you’re amazing for waiting for me, for listening to me, for understanding.” He toyed with a lock of my hair. “A lot of people would have bailed, especially so early in a relationship. But you stayed.”

”I had to,” I admitted. “You told Freddy you couldn’t lose me. Well, I realized that I can’t lose you. I need you, Dieter. I need you in my life. You’re the piece I didn’t even know was missing.”

He kissed me gently. “Does that mean …?”

”It means I like what we have, where we are right now. I still think we need to take things slowly, not jump into anything but … I think I know where our path is heading and I like it. And I’m looking forward to walking it with you, Deet. Side by side.”

”Hand in hand,” he said, taking my hand in his. 

“Cheek to cheek,” I said, pressing my face against his.

”Butt to butt,” he laughed, twisting around so that his butt was pressed against the side of mine.

”Why are you so fascinated with butts?”

”Because deep inside I’m still a twelve-year-old boy,” he said, batting his eyes at me.

”You know, there’s a reason I don’t work at a middle school …” I started to say, but he cut me off with a kiss that was definitely the work of a middle aged man who’d had years of practice. I was more than willing to overlook a few butt jokes for that.

[astroluvr]

hi my love can you do something about surprising Urban on tour? like Jack texts how much Urban misses you and he’s not like himself?

You and Urban always hated being apart. The both of you were so used to each other that even more than a few days apart was a lot to deal with. Now, with Jack being back on tour and Urban playing such an important role as a member of Jack’s team and his best friend, it was tough to be apart for so long without having much control over it. Your work didn’t allow you to pack up and move around with Urban as much as you would’ve liked.

“Are you coming out tonight?” Jack asked Urban, who was laying on the bed in their shared hotel room with his camera hovered over his face.

“Nah, I think I’m going to go through my portfolio. Submit some shit.”

“Not talking to Y/N?” Jack teased, pulling his shirt onto his body with a smirk, missing the small twitch of Urban’s lips as they formed a soft frown.

“She’s three hours ahead right now and she had a long day, so I don’t want to keep her up. Needs her rest.” he informed and Jack snickered quietly.

“Well, I’ll be back late.”

“Have fun, brother.” Urban said as Jack walked out the hotel room where the rest of his team was waiting to go out.

On the other side of the country, you were lying in bed and scrolling through your phone with no real intent. Jack’s tour had finally taken you two out of reasonable time differences and it was causing hell for your sleep schedule. You wanted to text or call him, but the show had just ended and you were sure that he was exhausted. You knew how he needed his rest.

Just as you were about to call it quits, your phone rang with a call from Jack. Immediately, panic took over. Jack rarely called you, and when it did it was either to get on your nerves or get in touch with Urban when he didn’t answer him.

“Hey, Jack. Is everything okay?” you couldn’t hide the worry in your tone as you sat up in your bed.

“Why does something have to be the matter when I call you?”

“I’m sorry. It’s just with Urban on tour, I worry.”

“It’s okay, I understand. That’s what I called you about actually.” you could practically see him scratching his head in thought on the other end. “It’s no big deal, he’s doing fine, you know? I can just tell he misses you. With us jumping time zones, I know it’s been hard for him to not talk to you all hours of the day and everything.”

“Yeah, I know how he must feel. We’ve talked about it. I’m coming to join you guys in a couple of weeks.”

“Yeah, but I was wondering if you could join a little earlier? I hate seeing Urb like this when it’s over something so simple.”

“I don’t know about joining earlier. I could take the days, but the flight? I’d have to-”

“I’ll cover the flight. If you can take off of work, I’ll fly you out to meet us at the next stop.”

“Jack, are you sure?” you asked tentatively.

“Positive. Just get your ass down here, so Urb can get laid.”

“You’re so gross.”

“But I’m right.”

You chuckled and Jack did the same on the other end. “Thank you, Jack. We really appreciate you.”

“It’s no big deal. I’ll see you soon.”

Within the next 24 hours, you had landed at Jack’s next tour stop. With it being to timed, you caught them on a day where Jack didn’t have a performance, which meant for more quality time with Urban. Neelam picked you up bright and early from the airport and grinned when she saw you.

“Have you told Urban?” she asked as she handed you the spare key she was able to swipe from your boyfriend.

“No, it was really hard. I just wanted to surprise him.”

“Urban deserves one. He’s a really hard worker.” she nodded in agreement and you smiled as you looked at the door, teeming with excitement over seeing him again. “Well, I’ll leave you to it. Like I said earlier, there’s nothing he has to attend today, so he’s all yours.”

After telling Neelam goodbye, you quickly inserted the key into the slot and felt your heart pound when the device beeped green. You swallowed and opened the door, kicking off your shoes and dropping your bag by the door. Urban was sound asleep, holding his pillow with his back to the door.

You couldn’t help but take a picture and peel out of your sweats, leaving you in a tank top and your underwear. With pure adrenaline taking over, you crawled into bed behind him and breathed in his scent like it was heaven. His hair was tied to the back of his head and you slowly took it out of the headband to play with it. As you kissed along the side of his neck, you rubbed against his chest and allowed the hair that grew on it to slightly irritate your palm.

After a few moments, Urban began to stir and you felt slightly guilty from waking him up from what seemed to be a well-deserved nap, but the grumbles that bubbled from his throat made it worth it. He stretched his legs first before looking down at his chest.

“Yo, what the fuck!” he yelled before throwing your arm off of him and scrambling around the bed to find you looking up at him with a devious smirk. “Huh?”

You grinned and sat up with him, watching as he rubbed his eyes in confusion. “Hi, Urb.”

“What the hell is going on?” his movements told you that he didn’t believe it was actually you staring up at him, which made the moment even more precious and hilarious. “Baby?”

“You’re not dreaming.” you told him before you straddled his lap with a smile and wrapped your arms around his neck.

At the contact, Urban wrapped his arms around your upper and lower back, squeezing you tight and burying his face in your neck. Urban loved to hug you after time apart, but it had never been like this. You wanted to cry in his hold, but you were immediately bought back to sweet reality when he looked back up at you like you were a figment of his imagination.

“Fuck, I missed you so much. You don’t even- fuck, I missed you.” he said again, hugging you tight. “You aren’t even supposed to be here yet.”

“I know. Jack called and said you weren’t acting like yourself and he flew me out early to surprise you.” you explained with a smile, caressing his cheeks lovingly.

“Damn, I owe him.” he whispered, and you kissed his nose before asking another question quietly.

“Have you been alright, Urb? Are you overwhelmed?”

“No, I've just been homesick.” he explained, resting his hands on your thighs and blinking slowly.

“Oh? Maybe Jack will find a way to get you back to Ken-”

“Nah, nothing like that. I mean, homesick for you. I know that sounds dumb, but you’re like my home. When I’m with you, I can chill and be myself. I don’t have to get high to feel high around you.” he explained and you smiled even more.

“It doesn’t sound dumb at all. I feel the same way. I can’t sleep without you, relax, do any of that shit when you’re not around. I’ve just missed you. I’ve missed being in your lap and kissing you with your hot ass morning breath.”

You joked with such sentiment that even Urban laughed before meeting your lips again. “Fuck, just ditch your job and be with me all the time. I’ll teach you how to take pictures and Jack will pay us both.”

You giggled and tangled your hands in his hair before sighing quietly. “I don’t even want to go back.”

“You don’t have to, for real. I’ll find a way to-”

“Not yet, baby. I like my job and you love yours. Tour will be over soon and we’ll have more time to spend together.” you explained gently and Urban nodded in understanding.

The two of you looked at each other for a little while longer, fingertips grazing warm skin every so often accompanied with a pillowy kiss. As you scooted forward on Urban’s lap, you laid your head on his shoulder with your face near his neck and wrapped your arm around his lower back.

“I love you, baby.” he whispered, kissing your temple gently. “So fucking much.”

“I love you more.” you murmured and Urban rubbed your lower back as he inched his way down the bed.

“I thought that when we get together again, I’d get some play, but you’re just ready to go to sleep.” he teased, drumming his fingers against your back and earning a pinch to his side. “I’m just playing!”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yeah, I’m not.” he digressed and you rolled your eyes before drifting back to sleep. Right at home on Urban’s chest.

[pidge-poetry]

In-Flight Edibles, Rowdy Aussie Crowds & The “Sonic War” Of Their Next Album – Here’s Our Foals Interview

Gotta pass that plane time somehow.

Words by Amar Gera | December 6, 2023 | Life without Andy

We catch up with guitarist Jimmy ahead of their trip Down Under…

British rockers Foals are a rare sight in todays music world. The ability to craft commercial and festival-pleasing heaters while maintaining artistic integrity is a feat few pull off, a one that fewer actually make enjoyable. However, it seems Foals have perfected the art of the festival crowd anthem, and thankfully, they’ll be bringing their talents back to Australia over the NYE period for a bunch of shows around the country.

Slated to play the likes of Heaps Good Festival, Lost Paradise, Fortitude Music Hall and more, the run of shows will see the honorary Aussies bring their latest LP Life Is Yours (and its companion piece, Life Is Dub) across the country. Judging by our interview with lead guitarist Jimmy, this could very well be the the last time the album will be played out in its entirety, with Foals’ upcoming album seemingly already in the works. Which makes it all the more important that you catch them at the upcoming batch of shows.

To celebrate their upcoming Aussie shows, wee caught up with Jimmy from the band to talk Life Is Yours, their tips for flying to Australia and more. Check it below.

It’s a pretty busy time for you right now. You’re capping off a year of shows, a new LP, and a pretty crazy festival season. How are the energy levels?

Yeah, they’re pretty good right now. I think it’s because we’ve just had a bit of time off since September. So, we’re okay. We’re ready to do another LP and everything, I think.

Obviously, you’ve been playing music on this level for quite a long time now. After all these years, is the chaos of nonstop flights, shows, and so on, where you feel most comfortable?

I mean, post-COVID stuff is more annoying, like flying, airports and all of that. But yeah, we’re pretty used to it now. The show is such a tiny part of what the actual tour is. It’s all the hustle and bustle, and then a lot of time doing nothing.

Australia is pretty far removed from the rest of the world, which got me wondering, how do you kill time on that mammoth plane ride?

Just movies. If I’ve got my laptop, I might work on a song or something, that’s always pretty good. But then, the battery will always die in like an hour. So, yeah, generally I just take some edibles and watch some movies and enjoy it.

Edibles on a plane?

Yeah, I highly recommend it. I wouldn’t do it for the first time on a flight to Australia. I think that would be horrific if it went wrong.

Are you a window or aisle seat kind of guy?

If it’s below four hours, I want a window. If it’s above, I have to have an aisle because I can’t stand waking people up to go to the toilet.

Speaking of Australia, you’re playing a bunch of festivals and shows Down Under, including Heaps Good. How are you feeling for it?

I don’t know how long it’s been since we’ve been to Australia, but it’s been a long time. So, we’re pretty psyched just to be coming down. And yeah, also Aussie midsummer again, it’s pretty good. It’s a good time to come visit. And yeah, those lineups are pretty good as well. I’m really excited about The Avalanches, I’ve never seen them. That’s going to be cool.

International artists always seem taken aback at how rowdy Aussie crowds are. In your personal experience, how do we compare to the rest of the world?

Yeah, you guys are surprisingly rowdy, considering the tropical setting. Aussie crowds bring this crazy European energy, like the stuff we see in the UK. But yeah, it’s good. I mean, I remember it was pretty surprising the first time we came and played in Australia. We were like, “Oh, shit. They’re actually pretty into it.”

Are there any specific memories from that first time in Australia that stand out?

I always just think of our first show, which was in Adelaide. We played a festival in Switzerland and then flew for two days or something, and then played in Adelaide the night we landed. Then, the same night, Edwin, our keyboard player, had a DJ set as well. And I remember the crowd went nuts for that set. That crowd was basically the only thing that got us through it all.

I also want to chat ‘Life Is Yours’. It’s been a year since that record entered the world. How has your relationship changed with it since?

I’ll tell you what, it’s been a quick year. I’m a bit bummed though. We haven’t played the whole record live, and I don’t know if we’re going to get to it. We’ve only got Australia left to do it. But I wish we could have played more of Life Is Yours.

I think it was a really necessary album for us to make, certainly because of COVID and all of that that was going on. I feel like it was the right thing to do. It felt nice to take our foot off the adventurous gas. We weren’t too pressured on ourselves about making the record. But I see it as a little calming record before whatever’s coming next, which I presume will be an all-out sonic war.

It’s pretty interesting that you followed it up with ‘Life Is Dub’, given that it’s pretty rare for artists to rework a new album to that extent. As a group, what was the reasoning behind it?

That was Dan Carey, one of the producers of Life Is Yours, and one of the guys we work with the most. He’s got his studio in South London and never leaves. It’s kind of a dream. I idolize him in a way because I want to live like that. I want to have my studio in the bottom of my house with my family up the top. But yeah, he was like, “I want to do a dub version.” And it was great.

Actually, I wish he’d gone a bit more out there on it. I haven’t seen him since it was released. But yeah, I really love it. Because I know that he’s got the capabilities to go really far out. I guess he doesn’t want to scare anybody though. But yeah, I thought it was really cool. I want to do more things like that, just in terms of weird releases and alternate versions of stuff we’ve done.

If ‘Life Is Yours’ and ‘Life Is Dub’ were two characters sitting at a bar, what would they be and what would they be talking about?

Life Is Dub probably wouldn’t need to drink any alcohol because it would already be so high. So, Life Is Dub would be on sparkling water or a Coca-Cola and would probably be talking about, I’m not sure, a new piece of musical equipment or maybe a tin hat conspiracy theory. One that doesn’t offend anybody, but it’s just a mystery.

And then, I feel like Life Is Yours would be quite positive and maybe reassuring Life Is Dub about their worries. Definitely would having a couple of drinks, maybe a cocktail. Looking slightly more ’80s than Life Is Dub, I would say. That’d be quite an interesting duo.

Your music’s pretty perfect for crowd singalongs. It’s a really moving thing to see in your lives videos. In terms of songwriting and instrumentation, is there a secret to crafting tracks that resonate so hard?

Yannis does all of the lyrics, but I would say that when you’re writing, there’ll be even just part of a sentence that pops out. And you’d probably be like, “That’s what they’re going to sing.” Because what we always naturally pick up on is slogans or catchphrases that pop out. And sure enough, there’ll be one at the end of a sentence, which the whole crowd will sing. It’s really cool. And then, similarly, they’ll just pick up on something that we haven’t even thought of, and sing that back at us, which is really cool.

You’re also playing a show in Brissy at The Fortitude Music Hall with Declan McKenna, Sycco, Felony and so on. How do you differentiate between festival and the more concert sort of set?

I don’t think we’re doing any sideshows so I’m glad that the Brisbane show is like a sideshow, because they are different. You can play for longer at a sideshow and you can play hard and fast with the set list, just because it’s like a no-pressured scenario. I think sideshows are more for having a bit of fun and connecting with your fans, whereas a festival show is more of a proper show, and it’s got to be a more crafted set list. Also, it’s got to fit into whatever allocated slot you’re playing.

It is a funny thing that I find interesting about festivals and I think its really impressive that all these bands actually manage to pretty much play for the allotted time and figure it out. Like we’ve gone over a few times. We’ve had sound cut by festivals and stuff, and I just find it so brutal that they invite these musicians to come all the way over and if they go a minute over because they’re enjoying themselves, that’s it. They’re like “How dare you?” How dare you encroach on The Killers’ headlines time?” So, yeah, I like the sideshows just because they’re a bit looser.

You’re gonna be ringing in the New Year with us. What are your plans for the big countdown?

I don’t know, but I remember last time we did it in Melbourne we were at a festival. But it was actually quite depressing because we came back off stage really pumped, and there was just nobody around. Everyone had gone into Melbourne. So, we all just want to make sure that doesn’t happen again this time. Hopefully we’ll find a party, you’d think.

Lastly, can you give us a summary for Foals’ trajectory in 2023 and for the year ahead?

It’s all the things. Words like “Exploration” and “Oblivion” are popping into my head. But yeah, we’re just going to have a lot of fun.

Foals are returning Down Under at the end of this year. Be sure to cop tickets to their upcoming Aussie shows here.

[dewshoney]

Cherry - Nakedtoaster / MC

idk why i like breaking nakedtoaster i just do

summary: nakedtoaster left you. for reasons that you didn't even know. but now you're talking to xyx and the public displays of affection are getting to toast.

warnings: mentions of self-harm (no traditional forms of self-harm are done, but mentions of it are indeed in here. read with caution)

a/n: first, i wasn't intending on this looking like a part 2 to my recent work, but that's just how the cookie crumbled (does a really cool dance). second, this was originally going to be a songfic to Cherry by Harry Styles but it kind of went off track. I will still keep the title as it is because that's what the inspiration was.

is it technically self-harm to watch xyx be happy with you? there’s much healthier ways to cope with this. not that there’s anything to cope with, i’m the one at fault. i’m the one that drove you away. and i should be happy for xyx! so why does this hurt so much?

these thoughts are on replay, like a shitty song in a dingy nightclub, in nakedtoaster’s head. he doesn’t even know if you and xyx are together, nobody can really tell. at least him and onionthief can’t. he confided in onionthief after you and them broke up, and has been getting considerably closer to him. at any rate, you and xyx meme around about being in love so much nobody can tell if it’s a joke. like right now;

lovelylola

literally make out with me right now

xyx

on the way to the airport, darling

goddamn, did he really have to use the petname that toast used on you? rubbing salt in the wound, just a little. 

Onionthief

How did you figure out lovelylola’s address?

xyx

used an old trick in the book

stole their ip from a website i made

ok, now that’s just cruel. using toast’s trick to woo you? but toast didn’t need to be reading this. but, just like what was said before, it’s his form of self-harm. it’s toast’s way of keeping themself in check, still punishing themself for hurting you. 

Onionthief

I feel like that’s a bit far, xyx.

Even for you.

Nakedtoaster

Nice.

toast gets a ping from a different channel, named study-sesh. it’s a channel that was made for chatting between onion, quest, salo, and them. 

Onionthief

That was not “Nice”, @Nakedtoaster. At all. 

Nakedtoaster

well, what were you expecting me to do? 

you laid it on too thick with that “Even for you” shit. 

Onionthief

I stand by what I said. I’m happy to help you figure out what’s going on between lovelylola and xyx, but I’m not going to bypass my moral code.

Nakedtoaster

they’re joking around

he didn’t find their address

god, didn’t know you could be a dumbass.

— Quest is online —

Quest

Everything ok?

Oh.

/mute @Nakedtoaster

Bloombot

User has been muted for 10 minutes.

Quest

I was going to keep this a secret, but now that the server is becoming a battlefield, I’m afraid I can’t keep it for much longer.

suddenly, toast got access to a new channel. juicier-gamers. couldn’t even come up with a more clever name? whatever. nakedtoaster scrolled up a bit in the chat until something caught their eye.

lovelylola

you’re the best, xyx

xyx

anything to help you out love

was this some divine punishment from quest? did he finally snap, was he done with toast’s shit too? he read further.

xyx

was that too far

lovelylola

i don’t think so?? 

toast’s mad

xyx

yea

i didnt want it to get this far

lovelylola

i mean

we have to keep the act up now, right?

oh god onion’s online

xyx

hes bought into what were doing

i dont see a problem with him being online

lovelylola

but him and toast are close! do you think he’s just pretending?

xyx

i dont think onion would pretend

lovelylola

you’re right, moral code or whatever

oh god

i’m sorry, xyx

xyx

its fine he cant hurt me

lovelylola

xyx, you’re really bad at lying when words hurt you.

what the fuck does nice mean? what onion said wasn’t nice

xyx

trying to soften the blow of what onion said

Quest

Hey.

Toast knows.

xyx

what

how did he find out

Bloombot

@Nakedtoaster, you are still muted for 1 minute 32 seconds.

@Nakedtoaster, you are still muted for 1 minute 30 seconds.

@Nakedtoaster, you are still muted for 1 minute 27 seconds.

Quest

/unmute @Nakedtoaster

Nakedtoaster

thanks

now

what the fuck is this?

Quest

I wouldn’t be so upset, Toast. They have access to your channel now. 

lovelylola

your channel?

Quest

Yes, your plan for jealousy backfired. I’m tired of having to look after the two groups, and it all came to a head today. I’m sorry for keeping my own act up for so long, but there’s no more act.

xyx

toast

Nakedtoaster

xyx

xyx

im sorry 

i didnt mean for it to get this far

lovelylola

i don’t think any of us did, honestly. 

i wasn’t thinking, i just wanted to make you upset.

Nakedtoaster

well, it fucking worked.

lovelylola

not in the way i intended!

Nakedtoaster

what was the intention? to make me feel shittier than i was making myself feel?

xyx

no

Nakedtoaster

don’t even fucking start, xyx

how could you keep this from me?

xyx

mate, they still love you.

Nakedtoaster

then why did they leave me?

lovelylola

you fucking left me!! not the other way around!!!

i thought your ex took you back or something

toast took a step from his phone before they threw it against the wall. if anything, a loss of communication would make this worse. how could you think that shitty person would even look at toast again? they’re out of his league, and you are too. 

xyx

he still has them blocked there would be no way for that to happen

lovelylola

then why did you leave, toast?

Nakedtoaster

because i’m not good enough for you.

and this is enough proof. 

lovelylola

toast, you’re making shit up again

you know you’re enough for me.

[punkscowardschampions]

Sylke final & Slaggie & Sick Kids

Sylvie: [me like hmm, how are we cockblocking y’all, might have your parents drive past you and see you running with your school bag on a weekend no less, like, hello? and thus you gotta go with them because you’re clearly up to something suspect lol, so give her longer than it would take her to show up clearly and no response/no show]

Jake: What happened to you?

Sylvie: I’m sorry, my damn parents saw me

Jake: What did you say?

Sylvie: I’m not saying anything, I am mortified at their attempts to be nice about all this

Jake: Should I come over and talk to them?

Sylvie: And tell them what? We were going to leave the country

Jake: I don’t know, enough truth they’re satisfied with it without outing our entire plan

Sylvie: It’s okay, I’m just not going to make it, that’s the not okay part but I looked too suspicious, whatever I’m not saying

Jake: I didn’t buy the tickets yet, we’ll try again another time

Sylvie: I’m really sorry

Sylvie: I’m mad, again

Jake: It’s not your fault, it was my meeting spot, I should’ve picked somewhere else, nearer the airport and away from everyone we know

Sylvie: We’ll get it right next time

Jake: Lesson learned, it’ll go without a hitch

Sylvie: I feel like this was my fault

Jake: It wasn’t, and I swear I don’t blame you

Sylvie: As long as you don’t, I’ll get over the rest

Jake: We’ll plan better, make sure nothing can stop us

Sylvie: They can’t keep treating me like I’m a normal kid when we’ve found out I’m not

Jake: They haven’t caught up to us, they’re still coming from a place of wanting you to be and everything to be like it was

Sylvie: I don’t know how to deal with them being so far behind, everyone, it’s driving me insane

Jake: We won’t let it hold us back

Jake: I’ll come ‘round later, bring everything you were most looking forward to about Paris with me

Sylvie: I don’t deserve you

Sylvie: but my family absolutely doesn’t deserve [the food and drink y’all discussed] so they’re not invited

Jake: If they get a song written about them right now it’s probably not one I’ll play for them either

Sylvie: 😏

Sylvie: It would blow their minds, I think, hearing how you think of me

Jake: It blows mine how you are

Sylvie: I will have to get better at being deceptive though, note to self

Jake: You can practise by sneaking me in

Sylvie: Come on, I’m pretty good at that already

Jake: Pretty good meant we had to stop at [wherever they got to in fucking all over the house before we said they got caught/thought they were]

Sylvie: And that was your fault, I remember vividly

Jake: I don’t think so, I remember you [vividly just relive her being loud and feral, we know the vibes]

Sylvie: Yes and that was entirely down to you

Jake: [blame her back by being like I did that because you did xyz feral thing to me beforehand, we’re just having a lovely time remembering to cheer y’all since Paris was thwarted, and we love a loop to get stuck in] 

Sylvie: [do it back, obvs, like and I only did that because you were- pop off girls]

Jake: [shamelessly keep that going until y’all are literally at the start and there’s nowhere to go and nothing left to relive, we know what y’all are like]

Sylvie: You should stay

Jake: There’s no reason not to, at home everyone’s mad at me

Sylvie: Are you waiting for them to catch up too or trying to make it right?

Jake: I don’t know what to do

Sylvie: No, it’s trickier than my situation

Jake: Some of my friends are [somewhere in town he can get to from where he was], I guess I’ll hang out until my sister’s ready to pick me up, and I’ll talk to her then, but I’m running out of shit to say

Sylvie: She’ll process this break up eventually, it’s a bit rich that she’s taking more time than China herself but you know

Jake: Apparently she doesn’t like who I’m turning into, whatever that means

Sylvie: Literally, what does that mean…

Jake: Maybe she’ll calm down when we go to school, I know my mother will, she thinks that’ll solve everything

Sylvie: We can let them think that, until we leave

Sylvie: if it gets everyone off your back

Jake: When are your parents sending you back, is it still [however many days she has left of the week off she was taking for Sam gate]?

Sylvie: Yeah

Sylvie: I’ll be there for you Monday, I know it’s going to be awkward

Jake: I can’t decide if reaching out and talking to China before would make things better or worse than having to sit in [whatever lesson you have with her first] and just see her

Sylvie: I think it’ll just be as bad as it’s going to be, whatever you say or do

Sylvie: so, flip a coin almost, you know?

Jake: Yeah

Sylvie: What would you say, do you know?

Jake: Fuck you, that’s what I wanna say, but there’s no point to it

Sylvie: You’re allowed

Sylvie: sometimes people need to hear it, what they’ve done, it would allow her to level her own shit at you too

Jake: I don’t know where to start, I can’t believe she’s been with him this whole time

Sylvie: Just because you deserve a why, you may not get one, but you can try

Jake: Even less about my life makes sense if she’s not who I thought she was and it’s mixed up enough, I don’t want to hear that I was wrong

Sylvie: Yeah, I get that

Jake: I’ll ask my friends, the ones who really know her, what they think and hope they aren’t telling me what they assume I wanna hear

Sylvie: I’ll let you go so you can talk to them properly

Jake: Let me know when you’re cool to sneak me into yours

Jake: [the time that your poor sister is free to chauffeur your ass around, cos clearly any time from then, being the vibe]

Sylvie: ‘Course

Sylvie: what do you want me to do, if she talks to me?

Jake: What do you want to do?

Sylvie: Depends what she says, I suppose

Jake: I won’t force you to give my chain back if you don’t behave every second you’re wearing it, I’m not a monster

Sylvie: No, you’re not

Sylvie: and I certainly don’t intend on being perfect

Jake: It looks too good on you not to let you keep wearing it

Sylvie: I’ll only wear it Monday if you want me to

Jake: I do, and my jacket, it’ll make us both feel better about having to be at school

Sylvie: I’m going to have to give you something to remember me by in [the lessons y’all don’t have together]

Jake: You’ve got [a countdown to the time he said earlier about getting picked up] to think of your something

Sylvie: Narrowing down what you’d look good in is impossible but I’m on it

Jake: I don’t mind trying things on for you, if that’ll help

Sylvie: Here he goes, being motivational again

Jake: Being the boyfriend you deserve is important to me

Sylvie: I hate sharing you with the world, especially [the school]

Sylvie: staying in bed is always going to be the better idea

Jake: [the teacher who stopped him when he was trying to check on her the first ever time] isn’t guarding all your classes

Jake: tell me you miss me and I’ll show up

Sylvie: How wasn’t that years ago?

Sylvie: it feels like it

Jake: It explains feeling older than all my friends now I’m here

Sylvie: I feel like everyone's got infinitely more annoying since this all went down

Sylvie: How do I interact with people that aren’t you, again?

Jake: When I work it out, you’ll be first to know

Sylvie: I’m proud of you, even if I want nothing more than to monopolise your time and thoughts 

Jake: It’s really hard, but I do want you to be proud of me

Sylvie: I want to tell my parents I’m your girlfriend just so I get to say the word to someone

Jake: Tell them, you are

Sylvie: They’d be irresponsible parents if they didn’t let you stay ‘round more then, have to keep an eye

Jake: We’ll probably have to keep your bedroom door halfway open

Sylvie: That’s okay, there’s a lot that we can do only halfway visible

Jake: Loads of things

Sylvie: We’ve done more entirely exposed

Jake: You’re really good at being motivational

Sylvie: It was my turn

Sylvie: and I’m in my room so I’m thinking about when you’ll be here too

Jake: I’m thinking I should be there already

Sylvie: I miss you like crazy

Jake: The only thing keeping me vaguely sane’s that they all want to talk about you

Sylvie: Do I want to know?

Jake: It’s cool, I swear, they loved the song

Jake: I mean, they’d be dumb not to, it’s my best

Sylvie: It was perfect

Sylvie: a hard act to follow, I don’t think anyone paid attention to… whoever went on stage after you

Jake: You’re a perfect muse, I’ve never been this inspired before

Jake: I wrote half a song on the way to meet them

Sylvie: You won’t show them before me, will you

Jake: It’s for you

Sylvie: I’m for you, I don’t care what anyone says

Jake: You should be sat with me listening to what they say, it sucks you’re not

Sylvie: On Monday, I’ll be good and be social, I wanna get to know your friends better than I do

Jake: Let’s have everyone over, your friends and mine

Jake: [a day/time when your poor mother is clearly working late and won’t know about this cool kid party, it’s giving literally monday after school tbh like they need it after going back because such is the level they don’t want to and obvs he wants to get to know her friends too]

Sylvie: That’s a brilliant idea, bring everyone to us

Sylvie: everyone will be satisfied we’re trying but we can still go off to a dark corner whenever we need 

Jake: Do you want to go shopping tomorrow? I feel bad you didn’t get to before [the cool kid event]

Sylvie: With you? Obviously

Jake: Cool

Sylvie: I’ll try on anything you pick out, as a treat for tolerating the rest I also do

Jake: Anything?

Sylvie: Yes, Jake

Jake: Deal

Sylvie: Now you better concentrate on what’s being said about me

Jake: And you better find something for me to remember you by on Monday

Sylvie: I’ve already thought of what I’ll give you

Jake: Tell your parents about me instead then

Sylvie: Right this second?

Jake: While I’m concentrating, at least

Sylvie: Okay, that is fair

Sylvie: how do I make it less blatant I’ve been touching myself thinking about you?

Jake: Take a shower you can touch yourself as much as you like in, but you come out looking like nothing happened, it’s what I’d do

Sylvie: but you can’t, I’ll stop being mean and I won’t tell you anything else about my shower

Jake: That’s meaner

Sylvie: You can tell your friends I’m teasing you if you have to

Sylvie: [send him a picture of you about to get in the shower that shows you’re just wearing this chain without being a nude]

Jake: I have to tell my friends I’ve got somewhere else to be

Jake: they’ll understand, what you’ve just sent me is an album cover

Sylvie: You’ve got work to do

Jake: Not without my muse

Sylvie: I want to make art with you

Jake: I’ll make art of you

Jake: and all over you

Sylvie: I don’t want the shower to wash it away, record it

Sylvie: you only cum in me, it feels too good

Jake: The shower can’t wash away everything

Sylvie: Everyone at the gig knew, it’s so obvious

Jake: [a picture of his lovebites, as if he’s not with his friends rn, excuse him everyone]

Sylvie: Mine

Jake: Yours

Sylvie: [sending him an insta post where the thigh lovebites are peeping casually]

Jake: Mine

Sylvie: Yours

Jake: Say you miss me so I can leave

Sylvie: [voice note say it]

Jake: Stay in the shower, your parents’ll let me in

Sylvie: You’re such a nice boy, of course they will

Jake: The nicest

Sylvie: they’ll send you upstairs like I’m not waiting for you with my legs spread

Jake: They like me almost as much as you do

Sylvie: Then they’ll let me go on birth control so you can keep fucking me raw in their house

Jake: You’re not on it

Sylvie: I got the morning after pill, my auntie went for me, it’s cool

Jake: I didn’t even think, obviously you’re not, why would you be?

Sylvie: I wanna be, I’ve got it under control, you don’t need to think about it

Jake: I don’t want it to fuck you up, my sister says it does

Sylvie: There’s different kinds, right, I’ll find one that works

Jake: I’d take it for us if that was a thing but nobody has figured that out yet

Sylvie: I know, you’re sweet

Jake: It’s my responsibility too, I know that, but I’ve never needed to take any before

Sylvie: Don’t, it’s boring, I don’t want us to change

Jake: Your parents will sort it, like you said

Sylvie: An injection, a pill, whatever it is, it’s nothing to keep doing what we want

Jake: What’s some more boring medical shit, yeah? We’re already dealing with it, appointments, pills and whatever else doctors decide we need

Sylvie: Exactly

Sylvie: it’s nothing compared to the shit we’re on, whatever horror stories people have

Jake: I’m sorry I forgot though, that wasn’t cool of me

Sylvie: Debatable

Jake: You know what I mean, I care what happens to you, I should’ve thought about it

Sylvie: Thanks

Sylvie: I don’t really know what else to say

Jake: I don’t wanna embarrass you by turning this into a whole thing, wouldn’t be cool either

Sylvie: You aren’t

Sylvie: it’s way too late for me to have shame around you anyway, yeah

Jake: I just really do care about you

Sylvie: I care about you too, I’m not looking to make your life more messy

Jake: I know you wouldn’t

Sylvie: We want the same things

Jake: Yeah, we’ve got the same dreams

Sylvie: Who’d have guessed

Jake: And I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone

Sylvie: That’s mutual, if that wasn’t obvious

Jake: To everyone, while I was playing your song for you and anywhere else we’ve been or are going to go

Sylvie: We can’t help it

Jake: Since our first time I haven’t been able to

Sylvie: I’m not going to apologise for wanting to be around you, if anyone expects it, they’ll have to keep waiting

Jake: My friends maybe do for how abruptly I walked off, but they can wait too, I need you not them

Sylvie: I’ll consider sending a blanket sorry for that but only after I’ve seen you

Jake: Monday’ll fix it

Sylvie: I better invite my cousin too, if we’re talking of fixes

Jake: You can stay mad at her if you want, I’m the pacifist

Sylvie: She’s judging me but she won’t say it, I don’t know how to get past that, like with your sister and you, there isn’t a solution

Jake: Reach out but don’t get too in your head about how it goes, if she’s that judgmental she’s not coming to mine anyway

Sylvie: Maybe she won’t want to, who knows

Sylvie: I’ll reach out, like you said

Jake: My sister takes things out on me that aren’t about me, or are, but it’s not the thing she’s yelling about at the time

Jake: your cousin could be doing that

Sylvie: She just doesn’t agree with cheating

Sylvie: unless China is doing it, I guess, then it’s fine

Jake: Neither did I

Sylvie: As if we set out to do that

Jake: I’ll try and give her a better impression of me, if she does come Monday

Sylvie: It is what it is, you’re not going anywhere until we are, she can get used to it

Jake: I can get her to like me

Sylvie: Can you?

Jake: Yeah

Sylvie: I’m not taking up the challenge

Jake: All you have to do is believe in me

Sylvie: I mean your sister is never going to like me

Jake: It isn’t your fault that she’s stopped liking me

Sylvie: A little bit though

Jake: It happened when I got the diagnosis not when we got together, you didn’t get a chance

Sylvie: She probably feels like she didn’t protect you

Sylvie: irrational though that is

Jake: Totally irrational and totally accurate

Sylvie: She’s got to blame you for how mad and dumb this all makes her feel

Sylvie: at least you see it, you don’t have to hold it against her when she finally gets with it

Jake: I might let her visit us in Paris when she does

Sylvie: Be tourists for a weekend

Jake: It’d be cool

Sylvie: Yeah

Sylvie: We’ll plan properly, make sure we get there

Jake: We don’t have to rush, I freaked out a bit but I’m okay now

Sylvie: Warranted, all things considered

Jake: You’ve been the coolest again today

Sylvie: A bad habit, I guess

Jake: I don’t know how I’ll ever get used to being supported the way you do

Sylvie: You went to [the class she wasn’t in the day of the Sam drama], before anything

Sylvie: I’m only returning the favour

Jake: It’s like, for all my mother and sister’s feminist leanings, my role is still toxically masculine

Jake: I’m meant to be strong for everyone, however I feel

Sylvie: Who wants to be a burden? No one

Sylvie: but you can’t be to me

Jake: With you’s the only time I’m not stressed out

Sylvie: Me too

Sylvie: I barely think about it, the shit I spend the rest of my time thinking about

Jake: Yeah, that’s it exactly

Jake: it basically goes away

Sylvie: You’re the cure

Jake: I’m yours and you’re mine

Sylvie: You’re mine and I’m yours

Jake: [me like show up please sir before you say anything more extra, I love that you blatantly got a bus or something despite what you said to China about them being a waste of money cos worth it to you now and I also love that you’re shamelessly gonna get in this shower with her, no fucks given]

Sylvie: [just y’all living your best lives once again, can only be so sad about your Paris thwarting for so long]

Jake: [soz not soz Tomeena who are in because they let him in and had a nice lil convo with him before he ran up the stairs lol, maybe her brother too who defs also could be, at least your hater sister isn’t because she has her close friend group and is either out with them or at one of their houses rn, y’all are welcome]

Sylvie: Do you want to come over Jake’s on Monday after school? [then list who is going to be there, giving mutual friends, obvs not just like everyone lol]

Maggie: I’ll be there, ‘course

Sylvie: Cool

Sylvie: Are we good then? 

Maggie: Are we? I’m in the wrong, do you seriously forgive us?

Sylvie: I guess I’ve been talking about nothing but him, you weren’t wrong about that

Maggie: You weren’t with your read of me, or the nerve wouldn’t have been touched that made us fly off

Sylvie: I’m not praying for her downfall

Maggie: I know

Sylvie: It just makes me think you think I actively intended to ‘steal her man’ or whatever when I didn’t even like him and you know that

Maggie: I didn’t mean to come down that heavy on her side, I’m happy for you, and you can’t steal nobody, whoever goes is after going, like

Maggie: honest, it wasn’t about you or Jacob Cohen, I was troubling myself over [the lad she fancied who did not show up to this cool kid event hence her calling him a saint and a good boy before lol] and his bother for a curfew, even though he didn’t make no promises to us and I had my mates there who are, any day, better craic, so’s the fucked priorities you called out are showing themselves there

Maggie: then something else, bigger, I’ve been busying myself with I’ve not told you of and what you said about all the hero shite had me doubting if I’m doing it for the decent reasons I reckoned or you’re right

Sylvie: What’s the bigger something?

Maggie: I’ve been visiting my nanny more than the weekly go with my daddy since [whenever Sylvie nearly died]

Maggie: she’d for sure not piss on me if I was on fire, on a good day she thinks I’m [one of Johnny’s sisters] and on the rest she’s not to know us from one of the girls who works with her

Sylvie: Why do you think you’re doing it, going to see her, like?

Maggie: Maybe I’m that arsehole and it’s to make myself feel better, but when I took myself it was cos we don’t none of us know how long we’ve got, do we? She might not be here tomorrow or I might not and we’re the only visitors she gets, for what, an hour or the half of?

Sylvie: I think it would make most people feel worse, that’s usually what I hear so

Sylvie: by default, it sounds like you’re doing it for the right reasons

Maggie: All to say, I’m sorry I acted up how I did

Sylvie: Well, if I’d known any of this, I would have chosen my words more carefully too so

Sylvie: let’s call it even

Maggie: Nobody does, in fairness

Sylvie: Not your parents?

Maggie: Not how often I’ve gone

Sylvie: They may worry about your sanity

Sylvie: God knows mine act like everything I do is some coded cry for help now 

Maggie: Right

Maggie: but at least yours’ll be buzzing the boy’s the sort he is

Sylvie: Sounds like [her crush boy] is even 😇

Sylvie: If you can convince him to leave his house every once in a while 

Maggie: I can’t with a lad like that, I swear, he’s to look at us how Jake looked at you up on that stage or he’s not to at all

Sylvie: I had a feeling you’d say that

Sylvie: but I get it, you can’t settle, it doesn’t work

Maggie: How’s [crush boy] to run away with or put a baby in us if he’s too set on minding his ma and her word’s final? Nah

Sylvie: You’ll have to find yourself a boy like your da

Sylvie: Boys are terrified of babies until they’re like 30, normal ones

Maggie: I’d get myself down the site but there’s no telling which I’m related to

Sylvie: Um, all of them? That’s how it’s done, is it not

Maggie: True enough 😏

Sylvie: Not that our family is living all that differently sometimes 🤮

Maggie: We’re the start, someone has to be

Sylvie: I bet our parents said the same 

Sylvie: and to be fair, one thing right there, well done 

Maggie: Give ‘em that 👏

Sylvie: The bar is in hell 🤪

Maggie: You’ve found heaven though, everybody in a room together Monday giving you and JC your chances to sneak off

Sylvie: I do have to beat the homewrecker allegations with his friends 

Sylvie: but I don’t think that means I have to play hostess all night, nah 

Maggie: Loads of his friends are a hang away from keys in a bowl, amount of swapping I’ve heard they do between themselves

Sylvie: 😷🙃 I’m good

Maggie: Me too, like

Sylvie: Are there any you think are cute though?

Maggie: [drop those peeps because you’re 12, of course there are, tis your boy crazy era]

Sylvie: Then you’re so welcome

Sylvie: I’ll give you a suitable introduction

Maggie: Oh will you now?

Maggie: I can intro myself, you know

Sylvie: You have an in, why not take it?

Maggie: Yeah, my outfit’ll do the chatting, as always

Sylvie: What’s the plan?

Maggie: I’ve to think, which of them lads am I dressing for?

Sylvie: 🤘 or ✌️

Maggie: Something like that

Sylvie: I’m going shopping but Jake is taking me

Sylvie: you aren’t going to want to third wheel that

Maggie: Ah no, I’ll get dressed without showing my face in [the shops you know these cool kids are going]

Maggie: mammy’s wardrobe’ll have just the thing if mine don’t

Sylvie: No doubt

Maggie: I’m on it

Sylvie: I might have to lift my outfit from [this cool kid establishment]

Maggie: I could get yous a discount but it’s only the standard staff 20%

Sylvie: I’m trying to save up right now, that’s all

Maggie: Leave the tags on, I’ll take it back for you Tuesday

Maggie: unless you’re after keeping it for the memories of yours and Jake’s first couple hang 🥰

Sylvie: God, that sounds cringe 🤦‍♀️🥴

Maggie: Sure, but I would

Sylvie: I don’t know if this is who I am

Maggie: He’s your first, it’s alright to lose yourself a bit, under and over him

Sylvie: Maybe a bit but

Sylvie: It’d be pretty rich if I lost my personality, I can’t let that happen, don’t you let it happen either

Maggie: You’re not her and we’re not saying he has that effect on ALL the girls as a blanket statement, like

Sylvie: When I’m back at school, I’ll be forced to have thoughts that aren’t about him, that should work

Maggie: School hasn’t forced us to have one thought ever I didn’t already want to, good luck with that

Sylvie: Hmm, you’ve got a point

Maggie: Don’t let my shots fired put you off, thinking about him isn’t some great big sin, nor’s talking about the lad

Sylvie: Being dull is

Sylvie: we should hang one night, just us

Maggie: Okay

Sylvie: Just tell me when you wanna, you can come here, or I’ll trek

Maggie: How’s [a day that I won’t commit us to] for you? I’ll 🚲 to yours from [something you’re doing, cos you’re always doing things is the vibe]

Sylvie: Cool

Sylvie: I’ll get [something that is her favourite whether that’s food or renting a movie, whatever]

Maggie: And I’ll bring [one of her faves so it’s mutual]

Sylvie: ❤️

Maggie: 💞

Members List: 

gotspoons [Mod] (Rosie, 17, Chronic Fatigue)

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously [Mod] (Rich, 18, Multiple Sclerosis)

brainpain (Lauren, 19, TBI)

tigerbalm (Robyn, 15, Arthritis)

sonmychest (Kara, 13, Cystic Fibrosis) 

princemyshkin [New Member!] (Jake, 14, Epilepsy)

ihatemyguts [New Member!] (Sylvie, 14, Ulcerative Colitis) 

injectme [New Member!] (‘Denis’, ‘14’ = Margot, 12, ‘Diabetes Type 1’)

injectme: I’m new, I don’t know if the rules are I announce that and do some cringe intro, like at school, or what happens? 🙃

gotspoons: 😊 Welcome, welcome, always good to see a new face! 

gotspoons: and you are totally free to intro (or not) yourself however you see fit, there’s certainly no hard and fast rule there

injectme: Wait, I don’t have to show my face, do I? I thought this was anon

gotspoons: Some of the group has shared their real name but no, you’re free to be your username and whatever you choose to share with us

tigerbalm: OMG! There’s SO many new people atm! 👋 I’m Robyn but yeah, you don’t have to tell us, like Rosie said 😸  we’re glad you’re here, that’s all

gotspoons: 👋 Exactly, truly no pressure, we swear

gotspoons: How are you feeling today, what made you decide to sign up and on? 

injectme: I’ve been debating doing it for a while, going back and forth

injectme: the time feels right, my friends don’t understand what’s happening for me, and my family, the less said the better about them

gotspoons: There is a certain level of understanding that only people in the same boat can give, I think

gotspoons: I’d say that’s the ethos behind this group, even if we don’t all suffer the exact same symptoms, the experiences and feelings are often shared

tigerbalm: Agreed, my parents can be A LOT, they’re super strict & I don’t have friends anywhere else, but I’ve found them here 😻

sonmychest: Aw, Robs 💜💜💜

sonmychest: It’s real though, it’s cool to be able to come in here and know you’re not going to get one of two looks for whatever you have to say 🤨😬

injectme: I’ve been getting more than my fair share of those looks lately 🛸

sonmychest: People think they’re SO stealthy with it too, like

injectme: My sister isn’t with anything, she could pick a fight in an empty room

tigerbalm: I used to beg for a sister, but now idk, I’m not so sure tbh 😹

brainpain: I regularly feel like unaliving mine 🔪🔪  can’t lie

brainpain: + hiya new newbie

sonmychest: I’m so lucky mine is a they and not a nightmare, obvs, damn

sonmychest: Sister hate support group though, I approve

injectme: Oh, I’m a they too, that should’ve been in my intro

sonmychest: Cool, as long as you don’t mind how overwhelming she/her this group is

sonmychest: we have… is it like 2 active he/hims at last count guys?

injectme: I don’t, I’m still a she/her to most people

sonmychest: People you can’t be bothered having the convo with? Yeah, relatable

injectme: It’s a weird convo to have, sometimes I feel like a she, want to look like one 🎀 and everything, sometimes I feel the complete opposite

sonmychest: It’s all performative anyway, right? 

sonmychest: Why not choose, if that’s how you feel

injectme: But different mes on different days of the same week doesn’t help the 👽 or imposter syndrome in every room, if that’s even the term

sonmychest: Some people seem so sure

sonmychest: 🎀s all the way, all the time

tigerbalm: Sorry, that’s me 🎀

gotspoons: Guilty… 

brainpain: 🌈 but

brainpain: can relate if we move onto getting with girls

brainpain: still am 1 though ✌️

sonmychest: lol, this convos taken a hard left

brainpain: my bad 😝 there I go making everything queer again 

brainpain: none of yous breathe a word to my future husband (unless he’s into it)

sonmychest: That’s definitely giving #yesallmen

sonmychest: limited as my experience is

brainpain: you’ll summon him with a political # in my experience

brainpain: 🤞😍🤞

tigerbalm: Wow 🙀 you guys make me seem SO boring in comparison 

gotspoons: No one’s identity is any better than anyone else’s, you can be as proud of yourself, Robyn

tigerbalm: Thanks 😻 I’ll try

gotspoons: And no one here would want to invalidate you, I’m sure

tigerbalm: Everyone here’s the best, ILYSM all of you

brainpain: ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🤍

brainpain: couldn’t resist

sonmychest: allies deserve love too, babe 😽

injectme: I came in serious, should’ve been in my intro as well

sonmychest: soz newbie, we are capable, honestly

brainpain: I was about to come in aggy like speak for yourself Kara 💥👊

brainpain: but LOL nah we can

sonmychest: lmao post up 

sonmychest: Rich would deffo show to break it up

brainpain: if only 🥺

brainpain: out here living like a war wife

sonmychest: watch that horizon, so cute

brainpain: every 🚂 that’s every film or tv ref I’ve got

gotspoons: Oh, I love The Railway Children

brainpain: shout daddy at him he’ll come speeding to me

gotspoons: Please don’t taint the wholesome memories for me 

😫

brainpain: oops

ihatemyguts: This feels like you rubbed a lamp for a genie and a fairy godmother popped up in a cloud of smoke instead but lol

ihatemyguts: lurking has been amusing me in [a boring lesson you’re evidently in]

brainpain: story of my life

ihatemyguts: 💔

brainpain: + where have you been? lost your 🍒 newest newbie status it’s that long

ihatemyguts: That is devastating, like

ihatemyguts: already - points for not being a boy

ihatemyguts: my absence has been for fun, not health-related reasons though, don’t worry

tigerbalm: YAY! LOVE that for you

ihatemyguts: Thanks, the [cool kid event] was great, btw

ihatemyguts: What have yous been up to?

tigerbalm: OMG! You went 😸😻

tigerbalm: I have to know EVERYTHING, sorry guys… 

brainpain: we all wanna hear what was great about it 🍿

ihatemyguts: Sorry, I didn’t get there early or stay late, or I’d have way more fun stuff to tell you

ihatemyguts: but I did get to dance and this guy played a song about me

tigerbalm: 🙀🙀🙀!!

tigerbalm: idk what The Railway Children is btw (sorry!) but that’s like ALL the films & TV I do 😻😻 you’re literally in an irl K-Drama

ihatemyguts: It does feel a little like that

ihatemyguts: and things like that don’t happen to me all the time, btw, I’m not that interesting

tigerbalm: Is that boy your boyfriend now?

ihatemyguts: Yes

ihatemyguts: funny as a bit it would be to turn him down after that, there was no way I was committing 

tigerbalm: WOW

brainpain: take a deep breath or your finger off caps

sonmychest: 💨💨💨💨💨💨💨 I won’t be jealous of your lung capacity or anything

injectme: I’m jealous I didn’t get to watch [a band that was playing this cool kid event earlier or later, clearly doing more than one song, no offence Jake], their sets get better and better each time they play Dublin, wherever the venue

ihatemyguts: [linking an insta/socials somewhere that lowkey records entire sets even though you’re not meant to do that, sure people do] I bet they’ve got it

injectme: It’s not the same but beggars can’t be choosers fresh out of hospital

brainpain: been there felt that

brainpain: it’s sh*t* soz newbie

gotspoons: I do hope you’re feeling better after your treatment though?

injectme: They let me go

brainpain: Rich would sign in for a bed shortages rant

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I feel as though I must end your waiting

brainpain: finally

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I apologise, I was helping my brother with his Uni assignments

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: My ‘free’ time being anyone’s to monopolise as they choose

brainpain: brothers can be dikcs too good to know

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Undoubtedly the accusation would have him shocked and confused but yes

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Confirmed

tigerbalm: By me too

tigerbalm: that’s why I spend all my free time here, there’s way more girls

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I apologise again, Robyn

tigerbalm: not YOU Rich, boys like my brothers ONLY

brainpain: I’ll be on the floor if she calls you 1 of the girls

sonmychest: 💅🤪

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I’ll have you know I’ve been told numerous times that I have hair any girl would be envious of, so, perhaps I am better qualified than you presume

brainpain: pics or you’re a tease

brainpain: nervous newbie excluded there’s no time like the present for a mass face reveal

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I think that may be against the rules, Rosie?

brainpain: they can’t kick us all out

ihatemyguts: Mutiny lmao

brainpain: live a little it’s our flesh prisons not our bank deets

ihatemyguts: I’ve already been outed in the local community, like, makes no odds to me, honestly

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Rosie may be asleep currently…

brainpain: make the call babe

brainpain: you gonna boot me for this? 

brainpain: [and drop a pic of yourself like a rebel]

princemyshkin: If Lauren has to go then so do I

princemyshkin: [a pic of yourself because you love a cause so obvs you’d come in rn to do this]

sonmychest: 🤯 omg how long does it take to get your hair like that Lauren

brainpain: hours but what else am I doing

brainpain: + people watching my 🎮 stream are into it 🤑

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Well, as it’s done now, I’d say it is up to your/your parents if you are under 13 discretion

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: In the halcyon days when we received funding, this group would have been an in-person support group, so

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Anyone not comfortable, understand the ‘mass face reveal’ is not mandatory, however much enthusiasm it’s met with

brainpain: can’t resist me even when I break the rules 

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: They aren’t my rules, technically, I have slightly more authority and trust to uphold them but the admin/big bosses will undoubtedly decide… if they’re ever actually in here which I have my doubts about

brainpain: they’re yours to break

brainpain: your turn to stick it to the man 📸

sonmychest: Super subtle lol

brainpain: you too new boy’s put you all to shame as the only 1 standing up for me

sonmychest: Before you put us all to shame by being model attractive, casually, nbd

brainpain: @ him I’m hiding behind hair dye 🌈🦄

sonmychest: Well sure, I can imagine how often you’d get hit with the ‘but you don’t look sick’ new boy

princemyshkin: When I’m outed in the local community I’ll let you know

princemyshkin: And my name’s Jake, by the way, since us troublemakers are still here right now

ihatemyguts: [post your pic because direct callout to what you said like hey]

princemyshkin: There you are

sonmychest: FFS, no, I’m literally finding the nearest belltower 

tigerbalm: I don’t look like a model, but I’ll post my face if you do, Kara

tigerbalm: count of 3?

sonmychest: Okay, I’ll do it if you do, Robs, someone count us in, not that I’m being dramatic or anything

brainpain: 3

brainpain: 2

brainpain: 1

tigerbalm: Okay, UM… here goes

tigerbalm: [the shyest selfie of all time]

sonmychest: [also post yours, no need to cheat lol]

sonmychest: You look exactly as adorable as I would imagine, HOW 😸😻

tigerbalm: I thought you’d be ginger idk why 😸

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Without sounding like a creep, I hope, you’re all very pretty and have no need to be insecure about your appearances 

sonmychest: Thank you for the diplomatic dad answer, appreciate it for real

sonmychest: I WISH I could pull off ginger, I’d look so weird 

tigerbalm: I wanted to be BLONDE when I was little

tigerbalm: imagine 😹

injectme: If everyone else is doing it

injectme: [a pic that we know isn’t you but we’re pretending is, if only because this person clearly has an insulin pump visible]

sonmychest: It would be giving [some k-pop idol who’s got that platinum blonde asian thing going on]

tigerbalm: & I’m more of a [different k-pop girlie who’s more your vibe]

sonmychest: Wow, we’re all so cute, love that for us, guys

sonmychest: Rich (and Rosie, if you are lurking disapprovingly) you’re the only ones left to go

brainpain: he’s back on his keeping me waiting bs 😭

ihatemyguts: The hype is real, smart move

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I assure you, I’m not playing chess or being in any way tactical here

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I am somewhat of a luddite when it comes to the social side of social media, I don’t know if I have any recent pictures of myself

brainpain: 👶  pics are fine too FYI

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: The mental image it would create would be amusing, undoubtedly 

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: [but take a very boy who does not care and does not take selfies selfie of yourself now]

brainpain: f 💣

brainpain: if any of you kids need me don’t for a minute 👋

sonmychest: You did NOT lie about your hair, I cut mine off recently and now I’m so sad about it 😭😭

tigerbalm: I was debating it before my bday party BUT 🙀

tigerbalm: if it doesn’t suit me I’d have to photoshop my pre haircut head onto ALL the pictures

sonmychest: I think it would be chic, Robs

sonmychest: You can always fold half of your hair under and clip it in place, see if you vibe or not

tigerbalm: Amazing idea! BRB guys

sonmychest: Uh-oh, everyone is taking a minute now…

injectme: …

sonmychest: Did you share your name with your pic, newbie? I’ve forgotten in the excitement

injectme: No, I forgot too

injectme: I don’t ever go by it in full

sonmychest: What do you go by then

injectme: Nicknames

sonmychest: We can stick to your username then, if that’s what you want

injectme: I’ll think of a new one for here

injectme: if anybody has any ideas, all ears

sonmychest: I’ll ponder

injectme: Shuffle has spoken [and drop the song]

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Ah, excellent taste

brainpain: not their best

brainpain: no offence newbie

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Ms Harry’s French leaves something to be desired 

injectme: Yeah, but I couldn’t ask you to call me Atomic and keep a straight face

ihatemyguts: Maria is a better song but worse name, kinda, Catholic vibes pervading at least

tigerbalm: I never know ANY of the songs you guys mention

sonmychest: Have you started working on your bday playlist yet?

tigerbalm: Not yet

sonmychest: You better get going, girl

tigerbalm: I wish you guys could come but that HAS TO be against the rules, right? 😿

brainpain: I’ll come if you’re serious about the invite

brainpain: give a 💩

princemyshkin: Me too, if you want

tigerbalm: 🙀🙀🙀!!

sonmychest: It’s never made sense to me, anyway, why can’t we make friends, it’s what people do when they join any other group…

tigerbalm: OMG it would be the best bday EVER

sonmychest: You are so cute

brainpain: sweet 16 cos I’m there LMAO 🥳

brainpain: + Jake’s jawline

tigerbalm: He has a gf, Lauren, that’s like the first thing he said to us!

brainpain: + he’s a 👶 more importantly

brainpain: 👀🚫✋

princemyshkin: I’ll ask her if she minds me dancing with the birthday girl, I don’t think she will

sonmychest: Your parents will be cool with it, right?

tigerbalm: idk they’re never cool with anything

sonmychest: It’s YOUR party and YOUR birthday, you should have friends there

brainpain: I’ll go boring brunette if it helps

tigerbalm: I COULDN’T ask you to do that

sonmychest: 💔 left wounded 

brainpain: oops

brainpain: I can’t do ginger my b@tch sister would flip

brainpain: blonde so no one’s triggered

ihatemyguts: f me I guess 

brainpain: I didn’t say boring with it

ihatemyguts: jurys still out on if triggers are real anyhow 🤷‍♀️

princemyshkin: The word trigger is actually a bad one in itself for some of us

brainpain: he’s got jokes now 🧠🔫  welcome to the club

sonmychest: y’all are gonna scare the newbie off

injectme: I’m not squeamish

brainpain: then I’ve got a story for you

sonmychest: Oh, God…

brainpain: check your pms newest newbie 💌😘

injectme: Oh, yeah, okay, I spoke a bit soon

gotspoons: What’s going on? I just woke up to all these messages

brainpain: nothing 

gotspoons: 🤨 

gotspoons: I’m going to catch up myself then…

tigerbalm: You’re invited to my bday party, that’s something

tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Ah, Rosie, let me PM you, save you some time

brainpain: I’ll say my goodbyes now 🧳🚪 slan everyone (add the accent in yourself I’m not doing all that)

ihatemyguts: 😬 Yikes

sonmychest: imma peace out too

brainpain: [drop your twitch deets so peeps can find you in case you aren’t allowed back lol, even though we know you will be]

gotspoons: [Private @ injectme]

gotspoons: I’m really sorry that this is your first impression of this group

gotspoons: and even more so that you were sent inappropriate material

gotspoons: Is there anything we can do/you wish to be done to remedy the situation?

injectme: It’s what happened to her, that’s what this place is for

gotspoons: Graphic content should never be directly sent to anyone, it’s far better we use our words to explain, in the group setting

gotspoons: It wasn’t appropriate to haze you like that

injectme: I’m here to get to know people not cause trouble for them

gotspoons: You’ve not caused any trouble, let me assure you

injectme: I don’t snitch, I’m not going to

gotspoons: No one is asking you to and it isn’t needed, Lauren made her intentions clear

injectme: I don’t think she had bad intentions

gotspoons: I am glad you’re okay

injectme: I am

gotspoons: If you’re sure there’s nothing I can do for you then I will mark this particular issue as resolved?

injectme: Yeah, I’m good

gotspoons: Brilliant, thank you for your cooperation on this

[wizkiddx]

3 hearts broken

I did an angst thing again oops also not proof read double oops

summary: an argument between you and tom, except it takes him hurting someone else for you to loose it

warnings: alot of swearing (im British sorry not sorry) idk anything else except commitment issues?

////////////////////////////////////////////

It was an argument you and your boyfriend regularly had. In fact, it was the only argument the two of you ever had. And especially recently, one that Tom seemed to want to have every day. It didn’t matter where you were on set; in the rental home; out for dinner. Or like now… in the airport lounge.

You were sitting across from each other in a semi-private booth. Tom in his joggers and a burgundy hoodie, you in your black leggings and an oversized tee that actually belonged to your boyfriend. The rest of the place was almost deserted, given the late-night time of the flight. It was probably why Tom felt so comfortable bringing up this touchy subject in a public place.

You were both way past overtired too, owing to the end of a gruelling shoot. All you wanted was to get back to London and get into your own bed. Without an unnecessary fight with Tom.

Unfortunately for you, when you had naively said those exact words, Tom’s overtired brain skipped straight to it being a personal attack.

“I don’t see why you can’t commit to moving in Y/n! We practically live together for filming anyway so-“

“I love you Tom, more than I could ever express. I just… I can’t do this yet. I need… more-“

“More time, I know.” He grumbled, already standing and slinging his duffel bag over his shoulder - as the flight’s gate was announced by the intercom. Had he not already turned his back and started heading along the hallway, you would’ve tried to protest and calm him down. But thanks to his urgency to get away from you… all you could do was sigh. Slumping back against the seat before hauling yourself up and grabbing the bags - that he had helped you with on the way in.

No doubt this would be a long flight.

That it was. Tom had been maturely giving you the silent treatment at the gate, as you were boarding, and finding you seats. You were both in first class, so you had adjacent little pods with a little partition in the middle. It’s standard position was to be lowered however, before you’d even been able to settle into your window seat, Tom had already switched to button to have it slowly slide up.

Real fucking mature.

Thinking he just needed some time to cool off, you rolled your eyes but let him be. Even though you were such a frequent flier, you were terrible at getting any sleep on them. Tom knew this, knew how much you disliked the idea of being hurtling through the air in a tin can. Usually, he’d be holding your hand, entertaining you by watching a movie and providing a shit commentary over the top. Sometimes, when you were both as exhausted as right now, he’d even slide into your chair, having you perch on top of him so you could fall asleep listening to his heartbeat in his chest. Now though? He refused to acknowledge your existence.

Tom never had such issues flying, he was like a switch that could just choose to fall asleep at any and every point. Which is perhaps why it shocked you to see him still wide awake, staring angrily at the corner of his pod when you went to the loo, hours later. Thinking it was time for a peace offering, on the return to your seat you made eye contact and began to smile softly at him. However, that plan lasted for all of two seconds, since as soon as he realised you had seen him staring, Tom instantly shut his eyes - playing asleep.

He really was being particularly stubborn tonight.

By the time the plane landed, he’d still refused to say anything - and it was starting to really piss you off too. You’d tried to be mature, tried to offer the metaphorical olive branch and he had quite literally thrown it back in your face. So by the time you were being escorted off the plane (first because you were first class), you hung back from your boyfriend, wanting to have your own space.

Which was exactly why you didn’t want to give up your own apartment yet!

The two of you walked across the bridge into the terminal with a good 8 metres between each other. Tom didn’t bother to turn round and check on you, taking purposeful steps as though he wanted to get away.

Thankfully the terminal was quiet, probably due to the ungodly hour in the morning you’d landed at. The halls echoed only with your and Toms footsteps, the echo exaggerating just how far away you felt from him at this point. Still, Tom hadn’t acknowledged your existence, or anyone elses for that matter - the pair of you almost got to baggage reclaim before seeing any other humans.

And that is where it all went wrong.

It was typical, an otherwise empty airport except for you, Tom and a family with 2 girls. 2 teenage girls. 2 teen girls whose eyes widened to almost comical levels at the sight of your boyfriend. You’d seen them from a mile away, but from Tom’s reaction to them - he clearly hadn’t.

In fact, you were such a distance away you couldn’t exactly hear the exchange. But what you saw, had your heart in your mouth.

The girls ran over from the seats their whole family were sitting in, squealing at Tom with that overcited little jump you’d seen so often. Instead of Tom turning to them and entertaining them with small talk and a photo or two - he did the opposite. If anything, he quickened his cadence, looked as though he waved the girls off without muttering two words.

And maybe there was a reason. Maybe they had shouted something really rude at him - but fuck, the chances were slim. One looked ten, and one looked a couple of years older - as you approached, you saw the dejected and shocked faces melt into ones of intense disappointment. The eldest turned and hugged the younger, whose chest appeared to be shaking in a way that meant only one thing. Tom had made her cry.

Just as both the mother and father stood up to rush to the girls, you matched their hurried steps - getting their first.

“Hi, excuse me… “

You felt really awkward but knew you had to do something for these poor girls. And quite possibly for Toms career too. “Are you guys okay?” It took a second or two, but the girls clearly both recognised you too (thank god), throwing nervous looks at each other.

“Are yo-you Y/n?” The younger one asked, bright eyes glazed in tears which broke your heart to see.

“Yeh-yeh I am, what are your names?” You knelt, smiling warmly at the girls, who seemed to chirp up a bit.

“I’m Tima” The eldest spoke first before nudging the other to speak. You waited patiently till the little girl had wiped her eyes before replying.

“I’m Azara.”

“Wow, you’ve both got very beautiful names. Where are you both headin-“

“Can I ask you a question!?” Litte Azara burst out, interrupting you, but in the cutest and sweetest way. You just laughed and said of course, as she twiddled with her thumbs nervously.

“How big is the biggest T-rex?” Her little eyes were so curious and you had to suppress a giggle, seeing how serious it was.

Of course, the T-Rexs in Jurassic world (one of your movies) were all CGI. But Azara didn’t have to know that.

“Oh, they are bigger thanthan the tallest trees you’ve ever seen!”

You carried on your little chat with the girls for five or so minutes, laughing with them and exchanging soft nods with their parents too - who seemed appreciative of your time. Eventually, though, it was the dad who pulled time on the exchange, signalling that the girls had taken up enough of your time. As you stood up, Tima spoke up - after being relatively withdrawn from the conversation.

“You’re friends with Tom Holland right?” You nodded, subconsciously biting your lip to see what she would say. “Can you tell him sorry for bothering him, it’s just Azara was excited, we only wanted to say hi.”

Yeh, there was absolutely no way these incredibly sweet girls did anything to Tom. He was just being a knob.

“Hey, it’s not your fault at all. We’ve just had a really, really long flight, and he’s in a bit of a mood at me - I’m so sorry that he let it out on you.”

That explanation seemed to satisfy Tima with a nod, and with some final hugs you bid the girls both farewell. By this point, the rest of your plane had caught up along the corridors, so it was busier, and you had to fight against the small crowd to get through the airport as quickly as possible. Because you were seething with rage for Tom and could not wait to tell him exactly what those poor girls thought of him.

Unsurprisingly Tom had chosen not to wait for you in the airport at all, instead already hiding inside the blacked-out windows of the 4x4 waiting at the collection point. You marched up to that car angry to the point you thought the whole airport would notice. Yanking the door so hard you were surprised you did no damage to it, you threw your bags in - momentarily ignoring the sight of Tom huddled into a corner, staring at his phone with AirPods in.

But once you slammed the door shut and the driver started the car, you let yourself go.

“Who the fuck do you think you are!”

“Y/n can we just leave it for- “

“You made 2 girls cry!!! You were so self-absorbed in your temper tantrum that you made 2 teenage girls cry. You proud of yourself?”

This time he did look at you, eyes wide and confused - clearly not understanding. So you continued - laying it out for him.

“Those two girls you waved off because you were so busy running away from me? Well the youngest one cried and then the eldest didn’t speak and when she did it was only to ask me to apologise to you. You’re a fucking dickhead!”

“I didn’t mean-“

“Oh god, that makes it all better. You didn’t mean to make them cry on purpose, so it’s fine! God if you’d only said I’d-“

“Fuck off Y/n you’re not being fair, cut the sarcasm.”

“I’m not being fair?!? Because I’m the bad person in this situation, right? I just saved you from a very, very bad headline tomorrow morning because you were too busy giving me the silent treatment.”

“Yeah, well, your the one who doesn’t seem to give a damn about me!”

You scoffed hard at his words, air trapped in your throat that now felt completely stuck. How could he say that? How could he even think that?

As much as you hated showing it, you felt your eyes well up with tears. Because who the fuck did he think he was.

“Now that, that is so unfair. You know exactly my history and why I don’t want to move in yet AND you know just how much I fucking love you. So don’t you dare.”

“You're not convincing anyone.” He spoke quieter, but the venom behind his tone was still there. As the first tear escaped over your bottom lashes, you knocked on the partition to the driver and asked him, in no uncertain terms, to pull over.

“Congrats Tom. That’s three women you’ve broken the hearts of in 20 minutes. Must be some sort of a record.”

And with that you slammed the door shut, abandoned on the side of the road somewhere within Heathrow.

?a part 2? idk where id go from here aha

tagging: @lovehollandy12 @hollandlover19 @thefernandasantana @hunnybunimdun @hallecarey1@cedricdiggorysimpp @msmimimerton @hollandfanficlove @pandaxnienke @crossyourpeter @thegirlwiththeimpala

[yamahex]

Better Together

Summary: Jack flies to your hometown to make it up to you and Riah

Pairing: Dad Jack x Mom Reader

A/N: I’m iffy about the ending I was tryna find a line to make into a title and that’s what I settled on. Anyways I hope you guys like!

It’s been about a week since you and Jack got into the argument, which caused sleepless nights for both of you. You’ve barely spoken to him besides letting him know you were home. Being in your hometown really helped take your mind off him. You took Riah to all your favorite childhood places, since the last time she was here she was a baby but you could tell she was missing Jack. And so were you.

Jack on the other hand was a complete wreck. He couldn’t believe he said those things to you. You and Riah mean everything to him and without you two he couldn’t function.

“Yo Jack, where you at?” Urban yelled after walking into the house.

“Bedroom.” Urban made his way to the shared bedroom, his eyes landed on Jacks distressed figure. “How you feelin?”

Jack looked up at him annoyed.

“How the hell do you think I’m feelin Urb?”

“You right, stupid question.” He sat down next to Jack patting his back.

“She still hasn’t texted?” He shook his head. “Just pics of Ri.” He looked down at his Lock Screen, the first picture that was taken right after Riah was born and tears started to well in his eyes. Urban sighed, never having seen his best friend so sad.

“Why don’t you go there and make it up to her?” Jack thought for a second.

“She doesn’t want to see me.” Urban scoffed. “Jack this isn’t some chick you just hooked up with. This is your wife, the mother of your child. Who’s been there through thick and thin. She obliviously misses you but is upset. And she’s has the right to be, you said some fucked up shit.” Jacks face was filled with regret.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself and go down there to show her you care.” He nodded then made his way to his closet to pack a bag. “I’ll drive you to the airport.” They both walked out of the house and made their way to the airport. Jack hugged Urban then got on the flight. His nerves were through the roof. What if you didn’t want to see him, what if there was no fixing this?

“I’m gonna find you!” You crept around your parents house looking for Riah. You turned around a corner expecting to see her but alas nothing but a empty space. Your mother giggled in the kitchen while making dinner. “Where are you Ri?” You opened up the pantry door and she screamed then ran out. You pulled her onto your lap and began to tickle her.

“I caught you!!”

“Mommy stop!!!”

You smothered her with kisses while tickling her when a knock on the door paused your actions. Your father got up and opened the door. You couldn’t make out what he was saying but the energy shifted. He stepped to the side with a angry expression and revealed Jack.

“Daddy!” Riah got off your lap and ran towards Jack. He set his bag down and picked her up while swinging her around. “Hi princess! I missed you so much!”He kissed her forehead. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t at your party Ri.” She shook her head and hugged him again. “It’s okay daddy!” Jacks eyes landed on the necklace you got her. “Did mommy get this for you?” She nodded. “Isn’t it pretty!”

“It sure is, mommy has great taste.”

You got up and stood with your arms crossed in the hallway. His eyes met yours and you held a stern gaze with him.

“Hey ma.” You nodded. Your mother walked out of the kitchen to greet Jack.

“Jack it’s good to see you.” She leaned in to hug him with Riah still in his arms.

“She missed you.” Your mom whispered to Jack and he nodded.

Your father stood next to you with his arm over your shoulder.

“Daddy are you gonna eat dinner with us?” Riah smiled at Jack. “Yeah princess i’d love to, but I gotta talk to mommy first.”

He set Riah down and crouched to open his bag. His hand pulled out a small box.

“Here Ri, I got you this.” He handed her the box and she opened it eagerly. She gasped.

“Mommy look! Daddy got me Diamond earrings!” You smiled slightly. “How pretty babe.” Jack looked at you and smiled.

“Ri how about I help you put them on while mommy and daddy go take a walk?” Your mother suggested while putting her hand on your shoulder. You nodded as he stood up. You walked out the door and Jack closed it behind you.

The start of the walk was silent, you weren’t sure what you wanted to say.

“I’m sorry.” Jack spoke and you continued to walk. “Y/N I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean anything I said, I wouldn’t be anything without you and I never want to lose you or Ri. I want you to come home.” You stopped walking and took in his words.

“Please say something ma, I miss your voice. Yell, scream, cry, anything!” You scoffed. “Jack do you realize how bad you hurt me? You told me to my face that I wouldn’t be anything without you.” Jack looked down.

“You’re right, I was nothing at 18 when we met. But I have done absolutely nothing but stand by you for everything since! Including raising our daughter while you’re away!” Tears started to stream down your cheeks.

“I admit it, I wouldn’t have the life I dreamed for without you. But the money and the cars don’t mean shit to me! You and that little girl are the reason I have the perfect life, you could lose everything and I would still be happy. If you don’t see how grateful I am then maybe we shouldn’t be together.” Jack looked at you shocked.

“What? Ma no, I love you and Ri more than anything!” He dropped down to his knees.

“Please don’t drop everything because I was being stupid. What can I do to make it better? I’ll do anything, quit it all!” You looked at him annoyed.

“Jack I would never ask you to give up your passion. I just want you to spend some time with us and enjoy the little things. I don’t expect you to be there for everything but I want you to be here when it matters.”

“I will, I swear. No bullshit I’ll make myself more available. I’ll take you guys on tours with me, I’ll fly you out. I do the necessary for us to be a family.” You crouched at his level.

“Then that’s all I can ask for.” He paused and you hugged him. He grabbed you tightly as tears ran down his cheeks.

“Okay let’s get off the ground.” You giggled. The both of you stood up and Jack grabbed your face with his hands.

“I love you so much.” He placed a gentle kiss on your lips then rested his forehead on yours.

“I love you more.”

The both of you walked back into the house with your hands intertwined. Riah ran up to you a little worried.

“Is everything okay mommy?” You crouched and caressed her cheek. “Yeah babe, everything is perfect” Jack crouched and hugged the both of you.

“Because we’re better together.”

[cjsinkythoughts]

In Need of a Breath

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Word Count: 4007

Warnings: !FATWS SPOILERS!, Cursing, Zemo, Feelings, Another PTSD Flashback

A/N: So…Part 4 is going to have a couple parts to it. Maybe even three. I didn’t even make it half way through the episode on this one, mainly because I really wanted to fit in the Reader’s backstory and I wanted her and Sam to have a heart-to-heart again. I’m suuuuper tired, so I probably won’t be posting the next part for another few hours (it’s 5 am right now and I haven’t slept), BUT it’s my day off work and I won’t be doing anything I planned because my grandmother had a stroke a couple days ago so plans have changed and I’m staying in to help her, meaning I’ll mostly be writing all day. 

This Part is kind of a mix between off-screen and shot-by-shots, but it’s mostly off screen/what’s going on inside Reader’s head.

I’m really excited about future parts and the characters that are being introduced! I will say that after these parts, I will be doing one shots of previous MCU movies with the Reader, due to the information that is being given about the Reader now. You kind of see more of how she was affected/how she affected the previous MCU movies and what she was doing during that time.

Like always, this hasn’t been beta’d, again it’s SUPER early in the morning, and I’m really tired, so please excuse any mistakes! I hope you guys enjoy this part! Stay tuned for more to come later today!

FATWS MASTERLIST

cjsinkythoughts MASTERLIST

!SPOILERS UNDER CUT!

“You know…I’m really starting to regret saying yes to this.” You huffed out, craning your neck and squinting your eyes against the sun as you stare at the facility in front of you, hating the skin-crawling feeling of being back.

“Would you relax? Whenever you’re nervous, I get nervous, and I don’t wanna be nervous about this.” Sam shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

“Do either of you have a better plan?” Bucky grumbled, crossing his arms.

Gnawing on your lips, you finally take the lead and breathe out, “alright. Let’s go then.” You could feel the hesitance from your - what were they? Partners? Coworkers? Teammates? - the fellas before they started after you.

There was a sick twist in your gut as you entered the building, going through the lobby and security.

You had been there.

You had been there when Zemo impersonated Bucky. You had been there when Zemo unleashed the Winter Soldier at the Joint Counter Terrorist Centre Building in Berlin. You had been there during the battle at the airport. You had been there when Zemo turned Tony and Steve against each other in Siberia. You had been there when Zemo tore the Avengers from the inside out. Your family. The only family you’d ever known.

But you’d always been good about pushing your personal feelings aside for the sake of the mission. It’s what you’d been born to do. All you ever knew.

“Hey. Doll. You hear me?”

“Hmm. What?” You looked up from the ground to look into those enchanting blue oceans Bucky had for eyes, staring worriedly down at you, eyebrows pinched and forehead creased.

“I’m going in alone.” You frowned, opening your mouth to argue, but he shook his head. “Sam already agreed-”

“I didn’t necessarily agree-”

“You’re an Avenger, sweetheart.” Bucky tilted his head, speaking softly, those eyes of his worried. Worried for you. It made your stomach flip. “And you were there in Siberia, and that almost makes it worse. Especially considering you went after him. Just…just let me do this, okay?”

You cracked your knuckles nervously as you thought. It was a terrible idea. But it was an idea. And it was all they had. “Okay.” You finally relented, shrugging as your hands hit your thighs and slid up to your hips. “But don’t do anything stupid.”

“Steve took all that with him.”

Knowing about their little inside joke, you scoffed. “Sure he did. Go before I change my mind.”

You watched him walk down the hallway, hands fidgeting with excess nerves. “I think you’re the only one he actually seeks approval from.”

“Good thing I’m so lenient then, huh?” You joked, turning to Sam with a strained smile. Your smile slipped at the curious expression on Sam’s face, his eyes darting to each of your features. “What?”

“Are you doing okay?”

You groaned, throwing your head back. You thought you got out of talking about your feelings back in Baltimore. “Oh my God, Sam-”

“I’m serious. You…you just don’t seem like yourself.”

You shook your head, looking down the hall to where Bucky disappeared before turning back to him. It was weird to have a self that people recognized. Your whole life you’d been searching for it and when you finally found it…everything went to shit. “Honestly, Sammy, the only time I’ve ever felt like myself was with the team. Zemo took that away from me and now we’re here, practically begging him for help.”

Sam hummed, leaning against the wall. “Have you thought of taking a break?”

“What?”

“A break.” At your bewildered look, he rolled his eyes. “Cher, this time last year most of us were dead. This time a few months ago you found out about Wanda. This time last week you were out looking for her. Maybe you should just stop and take a breather.”

Shoving your hands in your pocket and looking at the floor, you couldn’t help but snort at his advice. “I haven’t taken a breather since I was eighteen.”

He clicked his tongue. “That’s my point. FBI academy as soon as you graduated. SHIELD recruit by 21, undercover operations leader by 24? Slow down. You’re in your thirties. Next thing you know, you’re gonna be ninety something, lying on your deathbed, wishing you had stopped to smell the roses.”

“If I live to be ninety, shoot me.” He chuckled in amusement. “I’m so fucking serious, Sam. I will not be put in an old folks home to play Bingo and be pushed around in a wheelchair. It ain’t happening.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” There was that infectious smile, which you unconsciously grinned back at. “Y/N…I’m serious. You’ve been in and out of missions since you were a teenager. What’s the shortest undercover operation you’ve done?”

“I dunno.”

He gave you an unimpressed look. “Yeah you do.”

Licking your lips, you turned away and shrugged. “A couple months. Seven weeks and three days, to be precise. September to October in 2012.”

“And the longest?”

“August 2007 to May 2009. Twenty one months.” 

Letting out a puff of air through his nose, Sam pushed himself off the wall and caught your chin between his fingers to make you look at him. “That’s nearly two years under cover. And I’m sure you went right back under after-”

“I was sitting at a desk for four months doing paperwork on it.” You defended yourself.

He shook his head, brows knitting together, lips drawn down. “You say that as if four months is enough time.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore, Sammy. I’m out. I’ve been out since Ultron and Sokovia. I haven’t been under in almost a decade-”

“A decade half the world was dead for half of-”

“I wasn’t!”

“I never said you were.” Sam sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. You were always amazed at his ability to keep his emotions in check. To stay cool under pressure. Sometimes you forgot how experienced he was with dealing with other people’s trauma. It was no wonder why Steve thought he’d be good for Bucky. “Listen. All I’m saying is once this is done…don’t go diving back into searching for Wanda. Don’t go running to the kid every time he calls - and I know you’ve been doing that-”

“It’s just been homework and stuff-”

“Y/N.” You stopped, biting your lip at the stern look he gave you. “Go home. Order take out. Binge watch TV. Go for a jog through the park. Actually meet your neighbors. Go grocery shopping. Just…live. If only for a couple weeks. Don’t worry about anyone else. Don’t pick up the phone, don’t drop everything because someone needs you. You need you.”

“I-I…” You shook your head, looking at him, sincerely apologetic. “I can’t. I wish I could. But I can’t. I’ve never had one normal day in my life. I’ve never had someone to care for, never had someone to care for me. I can’t let people I’ve come to…I can’t let them think I don’t care. I don’t even know where I’d go.”

“Whaddya mean?”

You winced, not thrilled for his reaction to your next statement. “I, uh, I sold my apartment in D.C.”

He gaped at you in complete disbelief. “You got it in December!”

“I know, I know. I liked it. I really did, but…I dunno. Nomadic life has always suited me better. It’s what I grew up with.”

He took a breath, making you cringe again. You don’t think you’ve ever legitimately gotten on his nerves like this before. “Have you ever thought that, instead of going with the flow and jumping place to place, putting down roots might actually help?” He cut you off before you could say anything, holding up a finger to stop you from talking. “I can’t imagine going from foster home to foster home like you did. I can’t imagine not having a home for as long as you can remember. Louisiana’s my home. Always has, always will be. But I understand your life has been anything but stable. And maybe, just maybe, that’s why you need some stability.”

You clenched your jaw, crossing your arms. “The Avengers were my stability. Steve was my stability.”

“Because you loved him.”

“I’m not doing this with you again.” You turned to walk down to the lobby to wait for Bucky there, but Sam caught your arm.

“You were in love with him! It’s okay! You two were super close! No one would blame you! Why won’t you just admit it? I’m trying to understand! Why won’t you-”

You tugged your arm away, finally snapping at him. “Because he could never be mine, Wilson! Is that what you wanna hear?!” Sam took a step back at your exclamation. You closed your eyes, swallowing the lump in your throat and pushing down the tears. “He could preach all he wanted about moving forwards, Sammy, but we all knew he was stuck in the past. He visited the museum every Thursday because her interview showed in his exhibit on Thursdays. He carried around that broken compass because her picture was in it.” You looked back up at him sadly, shrugging. “And I get it; it’s hard to move past your first love. I get it because…that’s what he was to me.”

There was a silence that blanketed the hallway, before he spoke up hesitantly. “What about Bucky?”

“I thought - I thought I was projecting my feelings for Steve onto him because I knew Steve couldn’t ever…”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “You thought? What do you think now?”

You cleared your throat. “I’m still figuring that one out.”

“If you ever need to talk, I’ll be here.”

You chuckled, nodding slightly towards him. “Back atcha. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you not being yourself lately, either.”

“It’s…a tough topic.”

You nodded in understanding. “Just know that I’ll support every decision you make as long as you think it’s the right one. Because I trust you. Steve trusted you. It’s all we can do to try to do what’s right. That’s what makes you a good man, Sammy. He gave you that shield for a reason, and if you think what you did was right…I’ll stand by it.”

The two of you stared at each other for a moment, calming down in each other’s presences and taking comfort knowing you’d be there for each other through thick and thin. “Thank you, cher.”

“Of course, Sammy. Now let’s go see what’s taking the old grump so long.”

He laughed at that, nodding in agreement, taking your offered hand and squeezing it as you made your way down the hall.

****************

“What?”

Bucky eyed you as you spluttered, coughing on the water you were drinking. “Please don’t choke, doll.”

“Break him out of jail?!” You repeated his words and blinked at him, absolutely baffled by his plan. “Oh my God.” You groaned as Bucky and Sam started arguing, moving your flashlight around the room. “Where the hell are we?” There was no response as they kept going back and forth.

“Zemo’s gonna mess with our minds! Especially yours! No offense.”

“Heelllloooo!” You tried again. “Where the hell are we?!”

Bucky turned on the lights, giving Sam a look. “Offense.” Glancing at you he quirked an eyebrow. “Stop worrying your pretty lil’ head, sweetheart. You trust me, dontcha?” Your breath hitched at his words. You quickly recovered, huffing and pouting - although you’d deny ever pouting - and crossing your arms. You stood between the guys like that, eyes darting to whoever was speaking, waiting for them to stop so you could actually think.

“Look. Let me just walk you through a hypothetical. Can I walk you through a hypothetical?”

You and Sam exchanged glances. “What did you do?”

“I…didn’t do…anything.” Bucky shrugged.

“How is it that you, one of the most deadliest assassins basically ever, are one of the worst liars I know.” You tilted your head at him, an eyebrow quirking up in confusion.

“Shush it you. Just, okay. The weakest point in any system isn’t the software, the hardware, it’s the meatware. The human element.”

The more you listened to Bucky’s “hypothetical”, the stronger the gut feeling telling you this was a terrible terrible idea got. You brought your hands up to your head, eyes wide as he spoke.

“I don’t like how casual you’re bein’ about this. This is unnatural.”

You couldn’t help but agree with Sam’s words, your head falling back and your eyes closing. “Sweet Jesus. Listen, God, I know we don’t talk much these days, but please, please don’t let this not be a hypothetical. I’m fucking begging you.”

A noise to your right made your head snap over. “Oh hell to the fucking no!” You shook your head as Zemo himself walked in, wearing a prison guards uniform. “Uh-uh! No way! Bucky, this was not part of the plan!”

“What did you do?!”

“We need him!”

“You’re going back to prison.”

“If I may-”

All three of you faced him, simultaneously shouting, “no!”

You held your face in your hands as your head dropped, shaking back and forth, your eyes squeezing shut, tuning them out for just a minute to think. Bucky had a point. The enemy of my enemy is my friend and all that, and the Avengers were technically disbanded, which was Zemo’s whole objective in the first place, but…God. You were good at compartmentalizing, but not that much. You were willing to put your feelings aside for the mission so Bucky could talk to him. Not for you to work with him. But he had connections, you knew he did, and he had information…

“Doll?” You looked up, Bucky anxiously licking his lips as he met your gaze. “I need you to say something.”

You looked to Sam, who shrugged, gesturing to Zemo. “What do you think?”

What did you think? What did you think?! You thought that it was the worst idea in the history of ideas and you should turn back and find another way! But…you knew this was the fastest, probably most reliable way to get information that you needed.

Dammit, since when were you the deciding factor?

You sucked in a breath, looking over Sam’s shoulder at Zemo, who lifted his hand in greeting. You raised your eyes to the ceiling, pointing your finger accusingly. “This is why we stopped talking.” Gaze dropping to the still waiting fellas, you gnawed on your lip, before hissing out, “ffffine…” Running a hand through your hair, you threw your hands up as you shrugged. “Fine. Okay. Fine.”

“Okay.” Sam nodded, taking charge again.

You couldn’t believe this was happening. Except, that was a lie. You could. You’d seen weirder. You’d experienced the impossible. Lived through the unbelievable. This…this was completely imaginable.

Which is why, with a lot of hesitation and very little confidence in this plan, you followed Zemo through the auto shop you were in until you reached a large room with a ton of different old cars.

Bucky’s hand found yours as Zemo explained what the plan was, rather vaguely, in your opinion, but at least he was explaining. Point for him. Not that it would make up for the level of distrust you held for him, but it was something.

You looked up at him, giving him a puzzling frown. He usually only grabbed your hand in front of other people when he was feeling anxious. Which, yeah, he had a right to be anxious right now, but it wasn’t the right kind. The type of anxiety caused by large crowds and loud noises, ones that startled him and threw him into a defensive mode.

But the look on his face made you squeeze his hand in reassurance. He was pouting, staring at you although he did something wrong - a puppy that tore up a pillow - and all you wanted to do was give him a hug.

“You’re mad at me.” He mumbled as the four of you headed out with Zemo in the lead.

“No I’m not.”

“Yeah you are. 

“Bucky, I’m not mad.”

“Listen, if I had a better idea I wouldn’t-”

You brought your linked hands up to your lips, pressing a gentle kiss to his gloved knuckles. “I’m not mad.” You repeated more firmly. “It’s just…a lot for me, right now.”

“Why? What’s going on?”

“Nothing’s going on, Buck, I-I just…” You thought about your and Sam’s earlier conversation and suddenly understood what he meant. “I need to breathe for a second.”

His features twisted into ones of uncertainty, eyes squinting as you stepped outside. “Do you…do you wanna leave?”

You shook your head, tugging his arm to stop him and grabbing the sunglasses on his collar, slipping them over his eyes. “No. I just need some time to think. Hopefully the plane ride to wherever the hell we’re going will give me that.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, James. I’m sure.”

He lowered the glasses on his nose to scan you over the frames, before nodding and sliding them back up. “Okay. You ready for this, then?”

“No.” You breathed, turning back to where Zemo and Sam were still walking. “Let’s do this.”

*****************

Climbing onto the private jet, you raised an eyebrow at Sam, who shrugged, giving you a bemused expression. A Baron…huh…who knew? You feel like you should’ve, yet there you were.

You sat besides Bucky, across from Zemo, crossing your legs and leaning back while staring at him through narrowed eyes.

His butler seemed nice, which made you even more suspicious. You obviously didn’t know as much about Zemo as you wanted to. It was a habit you picked up after years of undercover work; once the mission was complete, that was that. There was no looking back on it. No sitting on it. It was over and you moved onto the next one. It was a bad habit in cases like this.

The moment you spotted the notebook over Zemo’s book you knew something was going to happen, yet you still flinched when Bucky lunged at him, grabbing his throat. You leaned back in your seat again, steadying your now racing heartbeat. You decided you were too tense, trying to relax your muscles as Bucky sat back down in his seat.

“I’ve seen that book. It was Steve’s when he came out of the ice. I told him about Trouble Man. He wrote it in that book.” Sam seemed so proud of himself that something he recommended was written in Steve’s little book and it made you smile.

You remembered that; Steve and you were supposed to meet up for coffee after his run, but Fury called him in so you rescheduled it for when he got back. He asked you about Marvin Gaye. For your opinion. You told him to check it out and make his own.

You remembered asking him about that little notebook of his, and he just shrugged you off telling you about his list. He would read items off to you, but he never let you read the book yourself. You never found out why, and you supposed you never would now. The thought made an ache behind your ribs that you’d come to familiarize yourself with appear.

You smiled a little more as Zemo and Sam told Bucky how awesome Marvin Gaye was. “C’mon, baby. Back me up.”

Chuckling, you looked at Bucky. “They’re not wrong. But,” you quickly added before Bucky could whine at you, facing Sam again. “Neither is Buck. I mean, c’mon. You can’t find music like the 40’s anymore. Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong, Benny Goodman, Fred Astaire. Ol’ Blue Eyes himself.”

“Thank you.” Bucky grinned at Sam, who rolled his eyes.

“Okay, okay. But, I mean, c’mon! Everybody loves Marvin Gaye.”

“I like Marvin Gaye.”

“Steve adored Marvin Gaye.”

Your face fell as Zemo started talking about Steve and icons and Red Skull, your mind once again slipping away from reality.

~

“Kids love you.” You giggled as you finally made it out of his exhibit. You’d wanted to show it to him since he moved to D.C., and you’d finally got an opportunity after coming back from being undercover for ten weeks. “You’re their hero, you know.”

“Yeah, well, I’m just trying to do what’s right.”

You nudged him, scoffing at his answer. “You’re too humble. You’re a national icon, you know.”

Steve shrugged, looking around the museum at the planes surrounding them. “I never wanted to be.”

“Why not? Everyone loves you.”

“I’m sure not everyone loves me.” He rolled his eyes. “And…I just wanted to help. To fight. Protect my country and the people I cared about. I-I didn’t ask for…all that.” He waved behind his shoulder where his exhibit was getting smaller with each step they took away. “People were dying. Bullies were winning.”

You shook your head, spinning and walking backwards besides him to face him. “Sure, but you did that. And you became someone people could look up to in the process.”

He narrowed his eyes at you before asking, “why do you do what you do?”

“...because I’m good at it?”

“Honey.” He gave you a look. “Answer the question.”

You hummed in thought. “Because I couldn’t stand by, knowing there would be orphaned kids if I didn’t help any way I could.”

“Alright. Why do you do it in the dark?”

“Whaddya mean?”

He shrugged. “Why don’t you come out and take credit for all the lives you’ve saved?”

“Because that’s not why I do it. I don’t want that attention. I just want to know I’ve helped people. I’ve kept them safe.”

He gave you a soft smile. “I just wanted to beat the bully. I never wanted to be a dancing monkey, too.” You looked at him in a new light then, understanding where he was coming from. “Watch out, honey!” He grabbed you and pulled you aside before you could crash into a wall, arms wrapped firmly around your waist. He gave you that charming smile of his. “Wouldn’t want you hurting that pretty lil’ head of yours, now would we?”

~

“Y/N!”

You snapped back into the conversation, moving your eyes from the window to Bucky, who tilted his head, eyebrows pinched and eyes narrowed. “Sorry. So, Madripoor. That’s a fun place.”

You ignored the side eyed glances Bucky and Sam exchanged, Sam turning to you curiously. “You’ve been?”

“Once. Back in 2010 for a few months”

Zemo raised his eyebrows. “You’re lucky to have gotten out.”

You shrugged nonchalantly. “Lucky, maybe. Skills were a part of it, too, though.”

“Good.” Zemo nodded. “Because we’re going undercover…and if we blow it. We’re dead.”

You breathed out, shaking your memory away and getting your head back into the game. Because like the man you were severely wary of in front of you said, if you blew this, you were dead. And, sure, you didn’t want to live until ninety, but you weren’t even half way there yet. So dammit if you were going to die soon.

“Hey.” You looked over at Bucky’s murmur, his head tilting as he grabbed your hand and pulled you from your seat closer to him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. Are you okay? You know you’re going to have to be-”

“I know.” He nodded. You watched his Adam’s Apple bob as he swallowed thickly. “I’ll be fine. Just…tell me right now if you need to step out for this one.”

You gave him a smile that you knew he didn’t buy, just by the slight narrowing of his eye, his lips pressing together. “No. No, I’m good for this. If you think I’m gonna let you two idiots go into Madripoor with him - alone - oil that cyborg brain of yours, because there’s no way.”

He squeezed your hand, eyes still filled with uncertainty. “Are you sure?”

“If there’s even a slight possibility that I can protect you, then yeah. I’m sure, Buckaroo.”

[rommahh]

{Harry in sparkly black….Harry lemme **** *** *** for free}

You hadn’t talked to Harry all day. Not that you were mad at him or anything but your therapy this morning left you feeling a little spacey. There was something about talking about your emotions that left you feeling emotionally drained.

You missed Harry terribly and though it’s only been a short week, you felt very lonely. But on another note, your anxiety wasn’t as bad as it was. You were starting to feel like your normal self again but missing something.

You loved the tight knit life you have with Harry. You like being around him most hours of the day. You two were inseparable. If you were in the shower, he was in the bathroom reading a book from the lounger chair in the corner. If he was writing music on the beach, you were somewhere on the shore collecting shells. If you were going to the grocery store the least he could do was go for the drive with you. You two were close and it was something the both of you were ok with.

Some couples don’t like being so close but it worked for you and Harry. Being away from Harry was a weird experience. It’s only been a week but you feel like it’s been a lifetime. You haven’t minded being on your own but you wanted to be with the person you felt most connected to.

So being you, you purchased a ticket to Chicago. You didn’t know how Harry was going to react but you could only assume it would be a positive reaction. You told Jeff that you were coming so he could get you a hotel key and backstage pass.

As you sat in the airport you felt your back pocket buzz- your music pausing for the call. Your hand slipped into the pocket roughly pulling out the small phone. Harry’s icon, him in a fluffy robe looking as grumpy as ever, met your eyes. You cursed because you were quite obviously in the airport and if he saw you, the surprise would be ruined.

You answered anyways but only for audio. You made sure that your airpods were snug in you ear and there was no chance of them falling out.

“My lover!” Harry greets you a in sing song voice. You could hear his humph as he recognizes that you didn’t answer with the FaceTime video on. “Turn your camera on.”

“Can’t, I’m not feeling good.” You fib nervously. Harry frowned, nervous that he may have done something to upset you.

“Oh, alright. What’s wrong then?” He asks. You chew your lip trying to think of an answer.

“Uh, period.” You stammer.

“Your period doesn’t start for another few day…saw it on the tracker.” Harry may have your period tracker on his phone but it was because he wanted to make sure he was able to comfort you the best way he could when he needed to.

“Must be the meds-“ The sound of your boarding attendant sounded over your head cutting you off. “Hey bubs, I’ve actually got to go but we can’t chat later.”

“Sure, that’s fine I guess. Love you.” He mumbles, confused by the phone call. You hang up leaving Harry a little lost in his thoughts.

Later, Harry sang through his rehearsal carelessly, his head clouded with thoughts. He even sang through TBSL and though he was in the worst of moods, fans waiting at the venue thought he never sounded better.

You on the other hand had just sat through the worst flight of your life. There was a woman in the flight who didn’t want to wear her mask causing commotion before the flight could even take off. You had the worst headache halfway through the flight and because of the lack on supplies, the flight couldn’t give you any ginger ale or accommodations.

You didn’t let any of it get to you though as you directed for the chauffeur Jeff sent for you to go to the venue for show.

Harry sat in the common room backstage with the band and Jeff eating dinner grumpily. His fork was stabbing every little piece of lettuce of his salad, everyone watched worried that he may break his bowl.

“HS3 is trending on Twitter today, pretty exciting.” Jeff says to Harry breaking the silence. Jeff just received a text from you saying that you arrived to the venue and were walking towards Harry’s dressing room.

“Mmm great.” Harry grumbles. Jeff rolled his eyes at the diva.

“Someone’s a little pissy this evening. How about you go fix that mood before you greet your fans with a bad attitude.” Jeff scolds him like a child who just got caught doing something they shouldn’t have. Jeff really didn’t care about Harry’s attitude, used to the moods at this point, but he needed a way for Harry to leave the room and see you in the dressing room.

“Fine, didn’t want to be around anyways.” Harry shrugs.

Back in Harry’s dressing room, you rolled your suitcase into a corner where Harry’s outfit for the night resided on a hanger. You smiled at the sparkly black top that you helped pick out. You walked around his dressing room from the hair and makeup table, past the bathroom/ dressing area, and back around to the couch’s and coffee table where you took a seat. You snagged one of his green juices needing the boost of energy from being on the flight.

You heard the door knob jiggle but stayed planted in you seat sipping on the juice. You never made a peep as Harry barged through the room, scowl covering his face. He stormed past the couch not batting an eye at you. He went to the mini fridge where his juices were before letting an exasperated sigh.

“Who fucking took my juice?” He whines. You quietly giggle in your hand at his tone.

“Im sorry, thought I could have it.” You chuckle. Harry leaps from where he stands letting out a yell. He turns to look at you with wide eyes, hand over his chest as if his heart was going to explode from his chest. You stood from the couch waiting for him to react more but he just stood there in shock. When the realization of you actually being there kicked in he let out another yell before bounding over to you.

Before you knew it, you had two strong arms wrapped tightly around you. Your wrapped around his neck, hands and fingers spread through his hair. His face tucked into your lower neck peppering desperate kisses all over just to feel something.

“What are you doing here?” You hear him cry. You pulled away from him to wipe his eyes of the tears that streamed down his face.

“I needed to see you.” Was all you could muster. He pulled you down on the couch, your body cushioning his larger frame. He laid in between your legs, your back flat in the body of the couch.

“Im so happy your here.” Harry couldn’t even put his excitement into words. He knew you were coming in a week but to have you here earlier than that made him feel things. He sat up from suffocating you into the couch, allowing for you to sit up beside him. “What about your therapy? I hope you’re not jeopardizing your mental health to be here with me cause I would much prefer if you put me on the back burner and took care of yourself.”

You rolled your eyes playfully. “I’m ok. I still will see my therapist virtually, I’ve got all new meds that are working fine, and if all goes to shit I will go back home. It’s ok bubs.” You reassure him.

He grabs your face with both hands pulling your face to his. Your lips meet with need. His lips slotting with yours, moving slowly but with rigor as if he was scared you would slip from his fingers. Your bottom lips fit between his lips leaving for him to suck on it slightly. You moaned at the feeling making Harry pull you in tighter. You sat slightly upon his lap, chest against each other tightly. Your tongues pushed at one another, lips loving in tangent.

You pulled away when you felt his lower presence awaken. He whined at the loss of contact making you giggle.

“If we go any further you’re gonna be late for your show. I’ll give you more back at the hotel, yeah?” You say lowly trying to catch your breathe. He groaned resting his forehead on yours chasing your lips with chaste kisses making you smile.

“Fine, you owe my though. This is level three apology situation that can only be resolved with these things; sloppy blowies, butt stuff, or face masks if you catch my drift.” He chastised. You let out a deep belly laugh pushing yourself away from him. You two still sit facing each other, your legs slightly on top of his.

“You’re so nasty, but I may be able to arrange one of those.” You wink making Harry let out a triumphant laugh.

“Are you staying for the show? I understand if your not.” He questions fiddling with your fingers.

“Think it would be best if I didn’t. I’m really tired and I obviously need a nap if I’m going to be up for your post show antics.” You joke giving his nose a poke. He jokingly pretends to bite your finger in retaliation.

Harry went on stage that night happier than ever. He started plotting proposals from the second he walked you to the car with your suitcase and waved goodbye to you. You went to the hotel room and “accidentally” fell asleep wearing one of your most recent purchases curled up in your tour bus blanket.

Let’s just say that Harry not so accidentally woke you up after that concert ready to love all of his adrenaline off in you.

Part 2👀

[masterofmunson]

look after you (1)

TFATWS Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

Summary: Sam asks you to join him and Bucky on a mission in Madripoor. When you get injured, Bucky feels the need to remind you more than once that he’s supposed to look after you now that Steve’s gone.

Warnings: tfatws spoilers, language, violence, blood, grief, angst, major pining

Word Count: 6k+ 

Author’s Note: Here she is!! I’m really excited to see what you guys think! This is my first Bucky fic in AGES! I decided to make this into a mini series since this fic is so long haha. Please let me know what you think. Comments, reblogs, and asks are highly encouraged and appreciated! Enjoy!

You hadn’t seen Sam or Bucky in several weeks. You were still adjusting to life post-blip. It had been a long five years for you and just seconds for them. You were no longer the bright-eyed and bushy tailed recruit. You’d grown into your position amongst the established and experienced Avengers. Now, it meant nothing. 

Tony’s gone. Steve’s dead, Natasha too. The Avengers had officially disbanded. You felt lost and confused, still blinded by your grief over losing them. You had nowhere to go, so you just floated from place to place as needed. 

You were laying low and a shell of the person you once were. You had no one to look towards anymore. Bucky went his separate ways and got some sort of footing in New York City with the pardon he was given by the government since his return to the states. You checked in every now and then with him, but you didn’t want to slow down his progress so you distanced yourself from him. 

You know he feels some sort of responsibility towards you. Steve did too, and you suppose now that he’s gone, Bucky feels the need to take his place. It doesn’t matter that you’re no longer the naive 23 year old he met in Berlin all those years ago. It doesn’t matter that there was something lingering between the two of you before he turned to ash. You’re a grown woman now and war and politics has hardened your soul. 

He needs to move on from you. The version he has of you in his head is gone, dead. He wants a fresh start, and you can’t give it to him. 

Sam checks in with you once in a while. He asks you how you’re doing and you respond the same each time. “Same shit, different day,” you laughed lightly. 

He knows better than to ask you to join him on his missions with the military. You’re not in the right headspace to return to the field, least of all if it meant that you were representing the US government wherever the fight was. 

Now that John Walker has the shield and has been branded the new Captain America, it gives you all the more reason to stay away. If he had so much as just breathed in your direction, you’d kill him and rip the shield from his grasp and return it to Sam. 

You ignored all emails and phone calls that had to do with John Walker. He wanted your blessing on live television, as if that meant anything. Yes, you were close with Steve, but you’re not an original Avenger. You just caught his eye during training one day and he took you under his wing. John Walker just wanted to create a bridge between the two of you since Sam and Bucky were obviously out of the question. 

You were the first person Sam called when he told you he was giving up the shield. You didn’t ask why. You knew he had his reasons and you respected him to accept that whatever the reasons were, they were good enough. 

So, when Sam called in the middle of the night, you picked up the phone without a second thought. Rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you sit up and fumble for the light on the nightstand beside you. 

“Sam? You do realize it’s three in the morning, right?” you asked, yawning into your phone. 

Sam curses in your ear and apologizes quietly. “Sorry. You would think with all this traveling, I’d remember time zones are a thing,” he laughed softly. 

“What is it, Sam?” 

“We’re in a bit of a tight spot. We could use your help.”

Your brows pinch together. “Who’s we, Sam?”

“Me and Barnes.”

Your heart jumps inside your throat. How the hell did Sam manage to rope Bucky into whatever he’s doing? The last you heard, Bucky wasn’t allowed to go on government missions until his therapist thought he made enough progress to do so. You know he’s nowhere near the progress he wants to be, so how is he with Sam? 

“Jesus, Sam. You know he’s not in the right headspace to go on missions!” There’s a heavy pause between the two of you before you relent. “Where am I meeting you?”

“Latvia. I’ll fill you in when you get here.”

You hang up quickly and hurry out of bed. After so many years of getting up at odd hours for emergency missions and the like, you’re not surprised that Sam asked you to meet him in the middle of the night. You grab your duffle bag and stuff all your belongings back inside. You travel lightly, and now it definitely seemed to work out in your favor. 

You’ve spent the last couple of weeks in a small town just outside of Helena, Montana. It’s nice and quiet and you’ve really taken the time to reflect on your life since things started going back to normal post-blip. The locals are nice and hospitable, and no one asks you about Steve, Tony, or what you thought of John Walker. You hope it had something to do with the fact that they didn’t know who you were. You certainly hoped that was the case. You’ve kept your head down and tried your best to blend in. 

You go hiking quite frequently and take drives through the mountains. It’s nice and relaxing, a far cry from what you’re used to. You’ll definitely miss it, and you have second thoughts about meeting up with Sam, but you push them away. Steve abandoned you both, and you wouldn’t do that to him. 

It takes you several hours to get to the closest international airport and by the time you arrive, the sun begins to rise in the distance. You hurry through the airport security and send Sam a quick update that you’re about to board your flight before you settle in your seat and fall back asleep.

....

You sleep through the entire flight. You blame it on your ability to sleep anywhere due to the number of missions you have under your belt. You’re wide awake when the plane lands and you’re quick to pull out your phone and send a message to Sam that you’ve made it safe and sound to Latvia. 

Your legs are stiff and sore when you stand up for the first time when it’s time to leave. You pull your duffle bag from the overhead compartment and slowly make your way to the front. It takes you nearly an hour to get through customs and now you’re just anxiously waiting to see Sam. 

When you see him waiting for you at the baggage claim area, you grin as your eyes meet. You hurry over to him and drop your duffle bag to the floor as he pulls you in for a hug. It’s warm and tight and it’s exactly what you need. Sam pulls away first and reaches for your bag, throwing an arm over your shoulder as you walk out of the airport to his car. 

You stop walking when you notice two figures near a very fancy yellow car as you and Sam near them. Sam keeps walking and you take slow, tentative steps. You know one of the figures has to be Bucky, but Sam never mentioned a third person. 

“Sam, I thought you said that it was just you and Bucky,” you said cautiously. 

Sam stops in his tracks and lets out a nervous chuckle and scratches the back of his head. It makes your heart race and you swallow the lump in your throat as they begin to come into focus as they near the two of you. “Y/n, before you get angry, I just need you to know that this wasn’t my idea. Believe me when I tell you that he is the last person we would ask for help,” Sam replied as his eyes went from you to the two people approaching.

“Who is he?” you asked through gritted teeth. 

“Ah! Y/n, good to know that your flight went rather smoothly. It is good to see you again.”

No. There’s no way. You must be dreaming. Hemlut Zemo is not standing right in front of you. He is in prison. He is behind bars for the crimes he committed. The two men that you're closest to wouldn’t jailbreak someone as atrocious as Zemo. There has to be an explanation. It doesn’t make sense. 

“What the fuck is Zemo doing out of prison?!” you hissed, looking between Bucky and Sam, demanding an explanation. 

“Y/n, honey, I can explain, just please get in the car,” Bucky pleaded, reaching out to touch your hand. 

You glare at him and take a step back. “Are you out of your mind, Bucky? You break him out of jail because you need him, is that it? Do you remember what he did to you, because I certainly do!”

Bucky frowns and lets out a deep and heavy sigh. He looks over at Sam. “Did you fill her in at all?”

“No!” you shouted. “I can speak for myself, James! Someone better start talking and tell me what the hell is going on!”

“We don’t really have time for this right now,” Zemo interrupts, “we really must be going. I’m sure Sam and James can fill you in in the car.”

You glare at the Sokovian terrorist and snap at him. “Shut your mouth, Zemo.”

He raises his hands up in surrender and takes a step back. Bucky towers over you and this time you let him take your hand. He squeezes it gently and pulls you into his chest, hugging you tightly. You’re tense and fuming as he holds you. 

His mouth finds the shell of your ear and despite the wave of anger flowing through your body, it sends a shiver down your spine. Bucky whispers, “I hate to say it, but Zemo’s right. We have to go. I’ll explain on the way, I promise.”

You huff childishly and turn your head away from him as he kisses your temple. “Fine. If he steps out of line, I’ll kill him.”

Bucky laughs and takes your hand and walks you to the car. “Get in line, honey. Sam and I have first dibs.”

You resist the urge to smile and Bucky opens the door for you as Sam tosses your bag in the trunk and climbs into the front seat. Bucky slides in beside you and he tells you everything.

He tells you about their first encounter with the Flag Smashers. He tells you about how the leader and a few of her followers have taken a newer version of the serum that runs through his veins. He tells you that she plans on giving the serum to more people to build an army and that you have to stop her. 

It makes your heart stop. You hadn’t really been keeping tabs on the Flag Smashers. Now, looking back, you probably should have. There’s still a lot of unknown variables to account for and it looks like the boys are taking it one step at a time, and apparently it starts with a trip to Madripoor. Zemo chimes in every now and then as he drives and it makes your blood boil that you’re forced to listen to what he has to say. You hate that he has the upper hand and is keeping valuable information hostage. You want to strangle him. 

After a while, Zemo pulls into a private airport. Bucky helps you out of the car and grabs your bag from the trunk as the four of you walk towards the jet just off the runway. You had no idea just how rich Zemo was. Now that he’s out of prison, for now at least, his arrogance returned back in full force in addition to his pompous attitude. 

You board the plane in silence, ignoring every word coming out of the Baron’s mouth. You settle in the back of the plane and ignore Bucky’s stares as you look out the window. You’re too angry to engage in conversation. You don’t care that Zemo insults Steve’s legacy. He’s gone, dead, what do you care? Yes, you wanted Steve to be happy, but he abandoned you. He abandoned Sam and Bucky. 

Zemo rambles on and on. “People like Steve become symbols, icons. Then we start to forget about their flaws. From there, cities fly, innocent people die. Movements are formed, wars are fought,” he turns to address Bucky directly. “You remember that, right? As a young soldier sent to Germany to stop a mad icon. Do we want to live in a world full of people like the Red Skull?”

Silence fills the space and for a moment, you feel a reprieve. That was until Zemo mentioned the Winter Soldier. 

 “We can’t go into Madripoor as ourselves. James, you will have to become someone you claim is gone.”

You immediately stand up and protest, storming to the front of the plane. “No. Absolutely not. I won’t let you use Bucky, not again. There has to be another way.”

Zemo clicks his tongue at you and shakes his head. A smug graces his features and you lung at him, wrapping your hands around his throat. “I’ll fucking kill you!”

Bucky leaps to his feet and tears you off of Zemo, dragging you to the back of the plane behind the curtains to give the two of you an illusion of privacy. Your shoulders shake with rage and Bucky’s hands caress your face. 

“You can’t be him. He’s not you anymore. You don’t have to do this, Bucky. Please,” you begged, clinging to his hands. “I can’t let Zemo control you again.”

Bucky’s touched with how protective you are over him. He pulls you closer and hugs you tightly against him. Your fingers grip the back of his shirt and he presses a gentle kiss to the top of your head. 

“Honey,” he whispered. “I have to. I have to do this so we can stop the Flag Smashers from getting the serum. It’s for the mission.”

You huffed against his chest. Now you’re really regretting your decision to help Sam. You would’ve said no if you had known that it meant watching Bucky turn into the Winter Soldier again, even if it wasn’t real. 

You don’t know what to say. He won’t change his mind. Bucky’s just as stubborn as you are and he’ll do anything for the success of the mission, just like Steve did. 

You pull away and return back to your seat, crossing your arms over your chest as you stare into the back of Zemo’s plush leather seat. Bucky trails behind you and squeezes your shoulder. You shrug off his touch as he takes the empty seat next to yours. 

“And, I’m afraid that where we’re going doesn’t take too kindly to women who are…. how do I put this…. strong willed,” Zemo said. 

“What is that supposed to mean?” Bucky barked, jumping to your defense just moments after you did the same for him.

“Selby will see Y/n as competition. We can’t have that happen. She’ll have to stay behind.”

“You’re out of your mind if you think I’m just going to just sit here and do nothing,” you snapped. “I’m coming with. I don’t care if I have to pretend to be meek.”

Zemo turns to look at you. He’s challenging you. You both know it. He’s pushing your buttons and it’s working. He smirks and leans against the armchair. His eyebrows raise and he asks, “Even if it means pretending to be a prostitute?”

Your gaze doesn’t falter and you ignore both Sam’s and Bucky’s protests. It falls on deaf ears. You don’t care, as long as you’re with Sam and Bucky and they’re safe. “Yes,” you answered without a second thought. You’ve done worse things than pretend to be a sex worker. It would be a piece of cake. 

Zemo grins, letting out a soft laugh. “It looks like you’ll be joining us after all then, Y/n.”

You scoff at him and look out the window. Bucky drags you from your seat once more and pulls you behind the curtain. You look away from him and he reaches to squeeze your hand. 

“You don’t have to do this. You have nothing to prove,” he whispered, brushing the top of your palm with his warm and calloused fingers. 

“You don’t either,” you mumbled back. 

He smiles softly at your retort and pulls you into his arms. He holds you gently and cards his fingers through your hair. You hum quietly as he holds you. 

“Touché, honey.”

There’s a beat of silence between the two of you before you lean back to meet his gaze. His blue eyes pierce through yours and it makes your heart race. You pull away and rub your palms against your thighs. 

You disappear behind the curtain once more, leaving Bucky behind. 

…

When you arrive in Madripoor, you’re dressed in an outfit that leaves little to the imagination. The dress has a plunging neckline that settles just below your naval. Your chest is barely covered and your boobs threaten to slip over the fabric. You’re dressed for the part, that’s for sure. 

Zemo is the first one to look at you when you return from behind the curtain. He whistles at you and it makes your skin crawl. 

Bucky shoves Zemo harshly and grips his chest tightly, snarling in his face. “Watch your mouth,” Bucky hissed, shoving him into one of the chairs. 

He turns to look at you and you reach to squeeze his hand. You pull him away from Zemo and whisper softly, “It’s alright, Buck. Take a deep breath.”

He grits his teeth and shakes his head, and does what you ask. “I’ll kill him. If he does that again, I’ll kill him.”

You laugh softly and press a gentle kiss to his cheek. “I don’t doubt you will, Buck.”

The two of you trail behind Sam and Zemo as you leave the plane. A sleek black car is waiting just off the runway and you follow behind to the vehicle. When you settle into your spot in between Buck and Sam in the back, Zemo turns to look at the three of you. 

“It’s imperative that we don’t break character, no matter what. If you do, we’re good as dead, understand?” 

You scoff and roll your eyes as he looks towards you. “Crystal,” you snapped, crossing your arms over your chest. 

He turns to face the front of the vehicle and silence fills the car. 

Suddenly, a number of motorcycles surround the car as you drive into Low Town. you make sure to keep your eyes forward and Bucky reaches for the hand on your knee. He squeezes it tightly and you do the same. 

Reality is now just setting in for you. This is the first mission that you’ve been on since Steve went back to the 40s, and since Tony died. It had been three long months since Tony saved the world and brought everyone back that was taken five years earlier. You know that three months isn’t long, but it still makes you nervous. You haven’t been training to keep things from going rusty. You had no desire to. 

Bucky leans into you, his mouth near the shell of your ear. “You okay?” 

You nodded, swallowing the lump in your throat. “Yeah, just a bit nervous. I’m a little out of practice. This is my first mission since Steve left,” you mumbled back, squeezing his hand again to keep you grounded. He does the same in return. 

“It’s alright. I have your back. I’ll protect you, promise.”

A small smile finds its way onto your face and you shake your head at him. “You know better than anyone else than to promise something like that before a mission, Buck. It’s bad luck,” you teased. 

He laughs too and the car stops in what you guess is the downtown area of Low Town. You take a deep breath and Bucky does the same. You squeeze his hand one last time before his hand falls from your grasp. He opens the door and climbs out. You follow close behind and find your spot next to Sam. He gingerly wraps his arm around your waist as you walk into the Princess Bar. 

Electronic music blasts through the speakers and the bass vibrates through your chest. You press against Sam as you push through people to get to the bar. The smell of drugs and alcohol is suffocating as you walk and ignore the stares sent your way. They’re not staring at you, but Bucky, who walks just a step behind you like a looming shadow. 

“Ready to comply, Winter Soldier?” Zemo asked Bucky in Russian. 

It makes your blood boil and Sam squeezes your waist tightly, a reminder that you must not break character. You hate it. You hate that Bucky has to pretend to be the person he’s worked so hard to distance himself from. Bucky is not him. The Winter Soldier doesn’t exist anymore. That part of him is gone, dead. You only hope that Bucky reminds himself that the Winter Soldier isn’t him anymore as he pretends just feet behind you.

You stand in front of the bar counter as the bartender approaches. You keep your mouth shut as Zemo exchanges words with the man, briefly bringing Sam, the Smiling Tiger, into the conversation. Your eyes find Bucky’s and your heart jumps inside your throat. His eyes are cold and void of any emotion. He’s stoic and brooding. He’s fallen into character perfectly and it scares you to think that all the progress he’s made over the years has been destroyed in this moment. For his sake, you hope not.

You tear your eyes away from Bucky at the feeling of Sam’s hand on the curve of your ass. You watch him carefully as he takes a shot. The bartender moves on and you let out a careful breath. 

A man grasps at Zemo’s shoulder and sneers at him. He looks over at Bucky as Zemo asks to see Selby before he walks away. Another man approaches Zemo from behind and he speaks in Russian once more. “Winter Soldier, attack.” 

You hold your breath in anticipation as the unsuspecting man rests his hand on Zemo’s shoulder. You want to reach out and touch Bucky, tell him that he doesn’t have to, that the two of you still have time to make a run for it, but you don’t. You can’t. Zemo would probably try and kill you if you interfere and it’s the last thing you need. 

Bucky stalks over to him with two long strides, and rips the man’s hand from Zemo’s shoulder. He twists his wrist back and throws him to the ground. Another man swings at Bucky and he stops it with ease. He punches his back and kicks him against another crowny. As another man attempts to punch and kick at Bucky. He uses his metal arm and momentum to take each of them out.

“It doesn’t take much for him to fall back into form,” Zemo smirked, leaning over to look at you and Sam. 

“Shut your mouth,” you hissed between your teeth as you watched Bucky. 

Bucky grabs one of the men by the throat and slams him into the counter. Guns cock all around you as you look around the room. Your heart is inside your throat and there’s ringing in your ears. You reach to grab Bucky’s arm, but Sam beats you to it.

“Stay in character or the whole bar turns on us,” Zemo whispered. “Well done, soldier.”

Sam lets go of his arm and takes a step back, pulling you with him. He squeezes your hip tightly as you watch Bucky’s grip fall from the man’s throat.

“Selby will see you now,” the bartender said.

Zemo moves to follow him and you resist the urge to reach out and touch Bucky. Sam pulls you along and you walk in silence down a number of hallways. The music fades into the background and you’re squeezing Sam’s hand like your life depends on it. 

A number of men on Selby’s security detail whistle as you walk by. You bite your tongue and resist the urge to snap their necks. The four of you wait at the door at the end of the hall for several seconds before it opens. You walk inside and Zemo takes you from Sam’s side. Your jaw ticks as he guides you to the empty sofa. His hand settles on your thigh and you tense under his touch.

Zemo and Selby negotiate for information. All you need to know is who created the serum and where they are. That’s it. Zemo needs to stick to the plan. 

Zemo stands up from his spot next to you. “Tell us what you know about the super soldier serum, and I give you him…. along with the code words to control him,” Zemo stands behind Bucky, his hand resting on his shoulder. He’s silent and obedient, the perfect encapsulation of who he had been for the last 80 years. 

There wasn’t a discussion over what the offer would be when you were on the plane from Latvia. You just assumed Zemo would figure a way out of it, he was clever enough to do it before. You hadn’t thought that he would actually use the Winter Soldier to his benefit outside of protection. How naive of you. 

Bucky’s eyes are dark and he stares straight ahead as Zemo caresses his chin. He doesn’t flinch or react. He’s playing the Winter Soldier perfectly and you hate every second. You bite the inside of your cheek so hard that you start to taste blood. 

“He will do anything you want.”

Selby grins, leaning back in her spot on the couch opposite of you. She tells him what you need to know. She nears Sam and then the worst happens, his phone begins to ring. 

She tells him to answer it and your fingers squeeze into the leather couch. Your heart races and for the first time since you walked into the bar, Bucky’s eyes find yours. You know he can see your panic. 

Things are fine momentarily. Sam’s trying his best to stay in character and you know it’s not working as well as he’d like. You hold your breath and your panic settles in at the mention of Sam’s name coming from Sarah. 

“Kill them—” 

Your eyes widen in horror as a bullet pierces through the glass window in front of you and lodges into Selby’s throat, killing her instantly. The act is over. 

You leap to your feet and pull the tactical knife that you hid in your dress out from underneath you. You slice the knife across your attacker’s arm. Bucky kicks him into the wall and grabs you by the arm. 

You run as fast as you can out the bar and through the streets of Madripoor. You dodge bullets and fight off others that attack you with knives. 

You do well, all things considered with what you’re dressed in. You dig your heel into the boot of your attacker, throwing them off balance. You kick their leg out from underneath them and Sam knocks them unconscious. 

Bucky, of course, is doing just fine on his own. You run over to help. You disarm the man closer to you and use the butt of the gun to knock him out. 

You barely have time to register the man creeping up behind Bucky. His arm is outstretched with a gun in his hand. Bucky has no clue. 

“Bucky!” you screamed at the top of your lungs, running as fast as you can towards him. 

He turns to look at you as you use your whole body to shove him aside as the gun goes off. 

Time stands still. 

You fall to the ground in a daze as the bullet rips through your shoulder. Your eyes stare up into the night sky as it takes you a moment to realize that you’d just been shot. 

You try to sit up and get back on your feet. You don’t have time to worry about your wound. You need to get the hell out of Low Town. 

Bucky nearly drags you off the ground and you run. You run as fast as you can despite the bullet in your shoulder. 

“We need to get out of here!” Bucky shouted, inspecting your wound. 

A shadowy figure approaches and Bucky blocks you from view. The hood drops and you peer over Bucky’s shoulder. You don’t have time to be surprised that Sharon is the one standing in front of you. 

“Sharon? What are you doing here?” Sam asked. 

“We don’t have time for that!” Bucky snapped. “Sharon, please. You gotta help us. Y/n’s been shot.”

She nods and motions for you to follow her. She stops in front of a beautiful blue car and Bucky guides you into the car, pressing his metal hand against your shoulder to stop the bleeding. You ignore Sam and Bucky’s bickering as they yell at you for getting shot. You don’t have the energy to respond. 

Sharon races across town and pulls up to a very fancy building. Sharon jumps out and opens the door for Bucky. His arm holds your torso and your uninjured arm is thrown over his shoulder as you walk inside. You gather into the elevator as it takes you to the top floor. 

Your entire body goes numb and Bucky guides you to the kitchen counter. Sharon briefly disappears before returning with a heavy duty first aid kit. 

“Do you have tequila?” you asked her as Bucky rummaged through the bag for the correct supplies. Sharon laughs softly before grabbing a bottle of tequila from her liquor cabinet. You take a generous sip and the liquid burns your throat. 

Bucky inspects the bullet wound carefully. Thankfully it was a through and through. He doesn’t have to fish the bullet out. He works quickly and you grit your teeth as he stitches the wound close on both sides of your shoulder. 

The pain lessened to a dull throb now that he’s finished. He cleans the excess blood off your skin before gently placing your arm in a sling. 

“Why did you do that, Y/n?” Bucky chastised you, shaking his head in disappointment. “I could’ve taken care of him.”

You scoff and roll your eyes at him. “I don’t even get a thank you for saving your ass? You were vulnerable, I did the right thing.”

He sighs and you look away. Your eyes find Sharon’s. “Can I borrow some clothes?”

She nods and disappears down the hall to her bedroom. Silence fills the room and Sam takes his turn to reprimand you. You ignore him entirely and take another large swig of tequila. 

Sharon returns moments later with a pair of clean clothes. You thank her quietly and she points you in the direction of one of the guest bedrooms. You hop off the counter and ignore Bucky’s protests and calls of your name. 

You huffed in frustration as you limped towards one of Sharon’s guest bedrooms. You had enough of Sam and Bucky yelling at you for your recklessness, especially Bucky. You’re exhausted and all you want to do is sleep. 

You did what you thought was right. You did what Steve would’ve done. You had Bucky’s back. Isn’t that what mattered? Sure, you got shot in the shoulder, but it isn’t something you haven’t done before. You have the scars to prove it. 

“Stop running away from me! We’re not done talking about this!” Bucky yelled after you, hot on your heels into the bedroom. “What were you thinking?”

You’re sick of Bucky questioning you. You’re not a child and you’re not the bright eyed recruit he thinks you still are. You did what was right in the heat of the moment. You don’t regret it. You’d do it all over again if it meant that he was safe. 

“Stop treating me like a child, James! I’m not Steve’s recruit anymore! I’m a grown woman,” you shouted back at him. Your shoulders shake and you glare at him. “I know you still think I’m that naive 25 year old, but that’s not me anymore. The last five years may have been five seconds to you, but they weren’t to me. Accept the fact that I did what I thought was right.”

“It was reckless!”

“Steve would’ve done it!” you bit back. 

“This isn’t about Steve!” he argued. 

You laugh bitterly and shake your head. He doesn’t see it. He doesn’t see what you see. You know he sees you as his responsibility now that Steve’s gone. He feels an obligation to look after you because Steve did. You have a part of Steve with you. Bucky’s clinging to any last remains of Steve, and that includes you. 

“Isn’t it though? You feel like you have a responsibility to protect me, to look after me. Why? It’s because Steve did and now that he’s gone, you feel like you have to replace him!”

The silence that fills the room suffocates you. Your heart races with anger. You want Bucky to leave you alone. You didn’t ask for this. Sam needed your help, and when you provided it, you got yelled at for it. Now you just want to go home. 

You turn your back to Bucky and pull the pants that Sharon gave you up your legs before discarding the dress in the corner of the room. You don’t care if Bucky sees all the scars that litter your backside. Maybe then he would understand that you’ve always done what’s best for the mission, even if that meant getting hurt. You throw the sweatshirt over your head and turn to look at Bucky again. 

“Do you have anything else to say to me? Are you going to try and deny it?”

Bucky sighs, running a hand through his hair. “You’re one of the only people I have left that have a connection to Steve.”

Another bitter laugh escapes your mouth. He doesn’t understand. “He abandoned me, James! He abandoned us. Steve’s gone. You can’t hold on to him anymore. You don’t have to do anything Steve did. You have nothing to prove to me, I promise. I don’t need you to replace Steve. I need you, Buck. You’re the one that’s here with me, not Steve.”

Tears threaten to spill over your cheeks and you look away from him. The silence is deafening and Bucky moves to take you in his arms. He holds you against his chest and cards his fingers through your hair. You cry against his chest and cling to his henley. He gently guides you to the bed and sits down with you in his lap.

“I’m sorry, honey,” he whispered, rubbing your back. “You’re right. It just scared me. I don’t think I can handle losing you too. I’m sorry.”

You pull away to look at him with your tear stained cheeks and he carefully wipes away your tears with the pad of his thumb. You blink away the remaining tears and lean into his touch. “It’s okay, Buck. You can’t get rid of me that easily.” 

You rest your forehead against his and breathe him in. His metal hand rubs circles against your back and it sends shivers down your spine. He holds you carefully and no words are exchanged. Your eyes flicker to his lips and your heart thunders against your chest. 

There’s a soft knock at the door and you pull your body off of Bucky’s. You sit beside him as Sam pokes his head inside the room. “Is everything okay?” he asked, looking between the two of you. 

You look over at Bucky and then back to Sam. You smile and nod slowly. “Everything’s perfect, Sam.”

[weirdos-am-i-right]

Fuck Traveling// Pete Davidson x reader

Request from @annalayton19

Hi! I’m a new follower and I really like your stuff! Could I request a Pete Davidson x reader (angst to fluff) where Pete is on tour or filming away from home and the reader is left behind. After like 6 months of being apart Pete starts to get tired of the long distance and basically like done with it. And then he realizes his mistake and comes home to make it up to her! I’m sorry if that’s super long! Also if this imagine doesn’t interest you, then no sweat! Thank you so much in advance 💕

A/n: This took so much less time then I thought it would. Anyway, here you go, I really hope you like it!

Warning: angst, swearing, like one cigarettes

€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€

Six months. Six months was an extremely long time to be away from someone you loved.

Y/n sat on the couch, a small pout on her lips. She looked at Pete—her boyfriend of a year—and frowned. “I wish I could go with you.” Pete frowns too, and sits down next to her.

“I know. I wish you were coming with me too. But hey, it’s only a couple of months, all right? I’ll be back before you know it.” He kissed her cheek.

“I just wish my contract would let me. You have no idea how annoying it is to not be able to do things because of freaking Marvel.” She groans, falling on her back with a slight ‘plop’.

“Well, because of freaking Marvel, you are one of the best actresses out there. And I know you’re going to kill it with filming. My tour isn’t even that cool. It’ll broke you to death.” He jokes, leaning back on the arm of the couch.

“Babe, you’re a comedian.”

“Oh right, I forgot.” He grabs her arm, and pulls her up into his chest. “I love you, okay?” He lifts her chin up, and kisses her. “So fucking much. We’ll face time everyday, I’ll call you every evening and wish you goodnight.”

“Okay.” She looked over a the clock, and sighed. “We have to go. Your flight is leaving soon.” He brushes hair behind her ear, bringing her eyes back to him.

“I love you. It’ll be over before you know it.”

“I love you, too.”

********

The car ride to the airport was long, and quiet. Pete was driving, he had one hand on the steering wheel, and one hand on Y/n’s leg, rubbing small circles into the center of her thigh.

She knew she was going to miss him so much, but she also knew she was going to be extremely busy with filming, so it wouldn’t be as bad.

Once they were at the gate, they tearfully hugged, and she kissed him. “All right, now get out of here. We’re not doing that rom-com turn back at the last second goodbye.” She laughed at him, tears steaming down her face a bit. He wiped one with his thumb, and kissed her again. “Love you. Now go, so I get to watch you walk away.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” She turns around, and starts walking back to her car. She knew he hated leaving her too, but he was a lot better at hiding emotions then she was, that was one of the only things she learned while dating him.

She got in her car, and put her head on her steering wheel.

She groans, and leans back. Starting her car, she pulled out of the airport, and drove home.

**********

The first few months were the worst. Y/n hated going to bed alone, the left side of the bed always cold.

She was filming almost every day, and seeing her co-workers and friends always cheered her up, after all she had been working with the same people for quite some time now, so she felt comfortable around them.

The fourth month was slowly becoming easier. She got use to coming home to no one there, and making dinner for herself. She still talked to Pete every day, texting him good morning, and Goodnight, and FaceTiming him a lot during the day.

Though she knew he loved her, she felt as though he was slightly pulling away. The FaceTime calls were short, and he never texted her back right away like he use to.

“And so, we we’re almost done with the shoot, so close I could practically taste the coffee in my trailer waiting for me, and then Kevin calls cut, and he makes us do the whole scene over again! I swear, I was about to strange that man. Ugh, I can’t wait til you come home. Only two more weeks, I can’t believe we made it.” Y/n rants, talking to Pete on the phone.

“Uh huh. Cool.” He wasn’t looking at her, instead his attention was somewhere else. Y/n frowns, tilting her head a bit.

“Pete…are, are you okay?” That seemed to catch his attention, and he finally looked at the screen.

“What? I’m fine.”

“Okay…you just seem so…different lately. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but you seem like you don’t have time for me anymore. Or if you do, you don’t like talking to me.” Pete scoffs.

“Of course I don’t have time for you right now. I’m in between shows, I’m driving to one as we speak. I mean, god forbid I get a minute to myself without my agents or you calling me.” Pete snapped.

“Wha-I’m just talking to you. If you didn’t want to, you could have said something.”

“That’s bullshit you would have thrown a fucking hissy fit or something.” He rolls his eyes.

“That’s not true. I understand when people are tired, believe me I would know.”

“Would you?”

“Yes!” She had tears stinging her eyes. “Of course I do, you’re forgetting what I do for a living. I work from 6 am to whenever we finish which most of the time is in the middle of the night. I have to re-do the same scene about ten times because RDJ won’t stop making jokes in the middle of the scene!”

“Oh, sorry, I forgot about your super-star actress life.”

“Why are you being so mean to me? I was only concerned about you.”

“Mean? What are you, five? I can’t-I can’t do this anymore.” She huffs, crossing her arms.

“What do you talking about? Are you breaking up with me?”

“Wh-”

“Because then fine. If you don’t want to be with me, I don’t have to take this shit. I’ll be with someone who, oh, I don’t know is actually here.”

“Oh that’s fucking rich, you know I can’t be there, don’t even do that.” She scoffs.

“I don’t care. You want to act like a petty bitch, I have no problem doing it right back.”

“No, I think you’re just a petty bitch.” She wipes her eye, and he laughs dryly. “Oh of course you’re crying.”

“Shut up. If you don’t want to be with me, fine. Go enjoy your show, Pete.” She hung up the phone, and turned off the ringer. She plugged it into her charger, and went into the bathroom, turning the shower on.

********

Pete rubbed his eyes, and took a drag of his cigarette. He knew he shouldn’t have snapped at her, it wasn’t her fault he was cranky, and needed to take it out on someone.

“I’m a dick.” He mumbles to himself, and bangs his steering wheel.

His phone rang again, and for a good second his heart leaping out of his chest, thinking it was his girlfriend, calling him back. He checked the phone, seeing it was Colson. He answered the call.

“What’s up, man?” Pete asks.

“The shows starting soon. You almost here?” Colson questioned. Pete looked at his google maps, seeing he was supposed to be there in ten minutes.

“I’m a good ten minutes away. I’ll be there.”

“You sound weird. What the fuck did you take without me?” Colson asks, trying to lighten the mood.

“Uh…Y/n and I just broke up. I think.” The line was silent for a few seconds.

“Why the fuck would you do that, you idiot? Are you kidding me?” Colson scoffs. “Man, what the fuck?”

“Shut up, man. I can’t stand talking on the phone with her. I’m busy, she’s busy, she plays a superhero for fuck’s sake. I didn’t even expect it to last this long to be honest.”

“Man, you fucking dumbass. That girl was probably the only good thing you had going for you. Get her the fuck back.I thought you loved her.”

“I did-I do. I do love her. I’m just so stressed right now, and excuse me for not wanting to hear about fucking Kevin Feige being a shitty director.”

“Hey, fuck-shit, you ever think that maybe this is more hard on her? Acting is fucking hard, you should know that, especially for a company like Marvel.

“Man, who’s side are you on?” Pete turns into the parking lot, and grabs his phone.

“You think I’m on your side here? You’re forgetting that we were friends before I met you. I can not believe you just fucked up the best thing in your life. Fix it, man. You’re going home in a week, fucking fix it.” And with that, Colson hung up, and put his phone away.

He kicked a rock across the pavement, and cursed under his breathe.

********

The worst thing about breaking up with someone you live with, who so happens to be long-distance is that their stuff fills the apartment with an existential amount of regret.

Y/n laid on her couch, flipping through the channels of the TV. She had called off work for the next few days, not feeling up to put on a performance for anyone. She knew she would get shit for it later, but she didn’t care.

Her head perked up when there was a knock on the door. She sighed, and got up, going over to the door. She really didn’t feel like company at the moment, and was sure she was going to send away whoever it was.

When she opened the door, her breathe caught in her throat. Pete stood in the doorway, looming over her. He looked like shit. She could tell he hadn’t slept, and probably didn’t eat anything, but she knew he didn’t look much better.

“Why-why didn’t you use your key?” Y/n asks, opening the door a bit for him.

“I uh, didn’t want to barge in on you. You also probably weren’t expecting me.”

“I wasn’t. I thought you didn’t get back until next week.” She says. It took every ounce of her not to jump into his arms, and kiss his face until she was sure she kissed every part of it.

“I took off early. Can we talk? Please. I was a dick. I was such a dick. I’m sorry, I know we grew apart in the last few months, and I promised we wouldn’t but we did, and I’m so sorry for that, baby.” He grabs her hand, and she slightly pulls it back, but let’s him grab it. “Please, forgive me. I love you, so much, okay? So fucking much, you’re the best thing that’s happened to me.”

She felt tears welling up in her eyes, and she looked away from him. “What you said really hurt.”

“I know. And I’ll spend every day trying to make it up to you.” She quickly wrapped her arms around him, pushing her face into his chest. He didn’t hesitate to hug her back, leaning down and kissing the top of her head. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. Fuck traveling.”

“Fuck traveling.”

.